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dimlylittorch · 2 days ago

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i am on my knees for this man. and he’s on his knees for me. (this is roughly 5k words)

My Masterlist🌱

Silco x transmasc!reader

small synopsis: reader ends up getting beaten up- bro is NOT happy. Hurt/comfort with some angst, fluffy ending :3

Warnings: very brief mention of SH

You were the one soft thing in his life. The one thing that was untouched by evil, or greed, or hate. When he found you wandering alone around an entrance into the Undercity, he knew from the moment he saw you.. you were different.

You had been giving a homeless person, probably shimmer addicted and dangerous, food. And soft words. And your time. Something he never thought he’d see. Someone so gentle they would think about sewer rats like that. You’d gone so far as to sit next to them, pulling whatever you could out of your bag for them to have. “I’m sorry I don’t have more.” You had said softly, practically sending a shiver up his spine at the time. And then you had offered to bring more tomorrow.

And so, that next day he waited at that entrance. And around that same time, you came back with an extra bag full of food. Good food. Homemade. He watched as you walked along the wall, offering some to anyone who was there. And when you’d reached the entrance.. you saw him.

“Sir?” You’d asked with a soft tone. “Would you like something to eat?”

He could see you were hesitant- as you should be. You’d probably grown up being told of the dangers of the Undercity.. but here you stood, putting yourself in harms way for people who wouldn’t do the same for you.

“Hm.” He had hummed as his eyes trailed over you. “What is it?” He asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

As you stepped closer to him with a shy smile, you opened your bag to show him. “Oh, it’s just muffins. Nothing too special, but I thought they might help.” Reaching into your bag, you pulled out a blueberry muffin wrapped in tissue paper and offered it to him. He stared at your hand for a moment before tentatively taking it from you.

“I see.” He murmured quietly as his eyes meet your own. Stepping into the light, he walked closer to you and kept his gaze on yours. “You’re a pretty little thing.” He mused faintly. “This is a dangerous place, you know.”

When you saw his full face in the light you shrunk back slightly, but only for a moment. Staying still, you look right back up at him, much to his amusement. He didn’t think he remembered a time when someone hadn’t cowered under his gaze. “You don’t seem like the rest of them” you said softly as your eyes scanned over his face.

“Well aren’t you clever” he chuckled faintly. “If any other topsider was this close to my territory.. I fear we’d have a problem.” He murmurs with a small smirk. “But you pose no threat to me, little one.”

“You talk like you’re in charge..” you murmur as you take a step back, eyes glancing over his slender form.

He smirked wider at your words, pulling out a cigar and a lighter. “That’s because I am.” He muses followed by the click of his lighter.

Before he can say anything else, you suddenly pull the cigar out of his hand, leaving him stunned as he looked down at you. “Don’t you know this is bad for you?” You huff as you look up at him with a scolding look. “What kind of leader doesn’t care about his own health?”

He stares down at you completely dumbfounded. The nerve alone.. you threw him for a loop completely. Before he can think he lunges forward to try and grab the cigar, but you quickly move away, a smile forming on your lips. “Hey! No- you’re not getting this back”

Your innocence makes him sick. But your smile makes someone inside of him burn. “You are nothing but a pest” he growls as he stalks towards you.

When you realize how angry he looks you can’t help but laugh as you walk backwards. “I’m trying to save your life here” you grin cheekily as you playfully try to get away from him. Before you know it you’re halfway through the threshold into the Undercity.

When Silco realizes how close you are into the dangers of Zaun he rushes forward, grabbing you by the collar of your shirt and pinning you against the stone wall. His breath is heavy as he keeps you there, staring down at you as he collects himself from his anger. “Never.. go in there alone.” He says lowly, a rough growl near your ear. “Do you understand me?”

Your smile had quickly been wiped away when he grabbed you, a surprised sound slipping past your lips when he pinned you against the wall. Looking up at him, you hesitantly nodded your head, your breathing quick and face flushed. “Yes sir” you whispered breathlessly, the tension palpable.

He didn’t even know you.. but he felt protective of you. He felt like you were his. Letting go of your shirt, his eyes softened as he looked down at you and saw how your face was flushed. “Forgive me.” He murmurs faintly, his eyes locked on yours.

Gazing up at him, you couldn’t help but gently reach up to straighten his tie, eyes shifting to the collar of his shirt. His gaze follows your hands, silently watching as you fix his shirt. “You’re okay.” You murmured softly. His heart skipped a beat at your words. You could’ve said ‘it’s okay’.. but you said ‘you’re okay’. Words he hadn’t heard in a long time.

Before you can say anything else he leans forward, hands on either side of you against the wall as his lips meet yours. A small gasp leaves you as he kisses you, but you can’t stop yourself from kissing him back. It only lasted for a few moments before he pulled away begrudgingly. “Come back tomorrow.” He whispered against your ear before he took a step back and left through the threshold, leaving you standing against the wall, his cigar and your muffin left forgotten on the ground.

That was weeks ago. Now he saw you almost daily, insisting that you kept coming back. You could’ve easily denied him- returned home and never came back. But you did. You always came back. Like a moth to a flame.

You made him feel like a teenager again, revitalizing his youth. Before you he couldn’t recall the last time he had been kissed. His scars and power always drove people away, understandably so. It took a silly little topsider like you to see the man he used to be.

Sneaking into his office after meetings, pulling him into random alleyways.. all just for a little time with him. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve something like you. He just hoped you would keep coming back like always.

Every day he would wait at the threshold between Piltover and Zaun. He would walk you through the Undercity, bringing you to where he could keep you all for himself. And every day you would show up with a wide smile, just happy to see him.

He always met you around noon, but one day you decided to slip into the Undercity earlier than usual. You knew he had been working hard recently, and you wanted to surprise him. You’d woken up early just to make him a special batch of treats, hoping to cheer him up from his recent stress.

Walking into the Undercity on your own.. the one thing he’d warned you of. You were a big boy- surely you could handle yourself for one day, right? You just had to put your hood up lay low, not drawing any attention to yourself. At least.. that’s what you thought.

You always met him at noon on the dot. For the first time in weeks you weren’t here at the threshold. Silco’s foot began to tap against the pavement with anxiety rising up inside of him. Had you finally figured out the kind of man he was? Made the smart decision to leave him and the Undercity behind?

After waiting for almost an hour he throws his cigar at the ground before turning and heading back into the Undercity. Taking his usual route to his office, he glares at anyone that dares look at him. Needless to say, he was seething. You had this hold on him- and now you were gone? Just like that? He was tempted to send Sevika to find you. But he knew he would look weak.

As he walks down one alleyway in particular, his eyes trail along the different people crouched on the ground, poor and probably shimmer addicted. He scoffs in disgust when he looks over them, seeing people begging for help.. something he swore he’d never do. Before he can turn the corner he catches a glimpse of a familiar colored bag, pausing in his stride as he looks over. That was when his heart stopped.

There you stood, hand and head resting against the dirty stone as you coughed weakly, blood dripping from your mouth. Your knees looked weak, and he could see bruises on your arms starting to form. Before he could say anything, he hears a faint noise slip past your lips. And then a few clear droplets fall onto the pavement. You were crying.

Within a second though, your sadness turned to anger. Pushing off of the wall and kicking a trashcan over, you let out a choked yell. As the volume faded, it turned into a weak sob, followed by you throwing your bag into the alleyway, which made people’s heads turn.

He’d never seen you angry. He’d never seen you cry either. It had only been a few weeks, but he’d started to believe those emotions didn’t even lie within you. He was stunned into silence, his body frozen as his eyes follow your bag before looking back at where you collapsed on the ground.

“Fucking take it” you muttered hoarsely as you wipe your eye with your wrist. “Take it all.” You snap at the people eyeing your bag. “The one thing I needed for myself- you took. Don’t bite the hand that fucking feeds you.” you practically seethe. Even in your injured state- he could feel the anger. He understood it too. The pain of being kind in a world that doesn’t return the same sentiment.

After a few more moments he quickly steps forward, kneeling down and pulling you against him. “What did I say?” He whispers against your ear, but there’s no chastising tone in his voice. Simply guilt that he wasn’t there for you.

You sniffle weakly when you realize it’s him, letting him pull you close. Resting your head on his chest, a soft sigh leaves you. “M’sorry” you whisper weakly. “Just.. wanted to surprise you. But I messed up.”

He sighs softly as he looks over the state of you. You have a black eye and bruises on your arms.. a cut here and there. He hoists you into his arms and stands up, but as he steps away only then does he see the puddle of blood on the ground. His eyes widen and he quickly looks over you, trying to see if it was from you or not. He uses his hand to feel along your back, but only when you cry out does he realize his hand feels warm.. and wet.

Making his way through the streets as fast as he could, he made it back to the last drop, storming in where all of his usual patrons sat. When the doors slam, everyone quickly turns to see Silco standing there with you in his arms and pure rage on his face.

“If I don’t have their heads within twenty four hours” he practically growls as he looks around the room. “I’ll pull every limb from every body in this room. Go.”

Your eyesight grows dim as you feel yourself being set on the couch in his office. You look up slightly to see Sevika standing over you, grabbing a roll of bandages. When you look to the right you see straight out of the door that leads from Silco’s office into the alleyway. You’d never seen him angry. Not like this. He had someone by their collar on their knees, punching them in the face repeatedly before tossing them aside with a yell.

When Sevika turns her back you stand up on shaky legs, walking towards the door the best you can. Managing to reach the doorway, you watch as Silco kicks a trashcan, letting out a yell of frustration. You didn’t know how much time had passed.. but you felt more lightheaded by the second. “Sil?” You say weakly, wishing he would be able to relax. His head snaps around, and when he sees you standing he quickly rushes forward and holds you up.

“Sevika- I told you to watch him!” He snaps as he brings you back over to the couch. Hearing Sevika’s sigh of frustration, you feel tears start to well in your eyes- especially as the shock starts to fade, leaving you with more pain than you’d ever experienced.

When Silco sets you down on the couch and starts to step away, you quickly reach out and grab his arm with a weak yelp of pain. “D-don’t leave me” you choke out as tears start to spill down your cheeks.

He quickly turns when he feels himself pulled back, and when he sees the tears spilling from your eyes his anger starts to mold into concern. He moves to sit next to you on the couch, pulling you into his arms. He positions you so Sevika can see your back where you had a small stab wound- probably from some dirt ridden pocket knife. He seethes at the thought of some low life leaving you in that alley. Wrapping his arms around you, one arm hooked under your own, he holds you as close as he can with your face tucked against his chest and the back of the couch.

“You’re okay” he murmurs softly against your ear, his breathing starting to slow from his previous anger. “Shh, shh..” he says faintly as you cry in his arms. “I’ll never leave.” Hearing a scoff from Sevika, he shoots her a glare. He knew he looked weak- he couldn’t stand it. But the way he felt for you outweighed how others viewed him. Adjusting you slightly so Sevika can treat the wound in your back, she gestures for your shirt to be taken off. He hesitates for only a moment before helping pull your shirt off, tossing the blood stained cloth aside.

Now- you and Silco had been fooling around. But it had never gotten quite this far; shirtless, I mean. Sure, you’d made out every now and then, but he was a busy man.. curling up into him as you tried to hide your embarrassment, you tense as Sevika starts to treat the stab wound. Shaking in Silco’s arms from the pain, you can’t help but cry more. It was embarrassing.. these were two of the most powerful people in the Undercity. And here you sat, crying in front of them like a baby.

Silco could practically read your thoughts when he saw how you curled into yourself. Resting his head against your own, his breath fans out over your ear. “You.. are so strong.” He whispers faintly so only you can hear. When he senses your confusion from his words, he pulls you a little closer. “Any other spoiled Piltover brat would’ve laid down and taken it.” He murmurs softly. “But I can tell you fought. My strong little thing.” He whispers against your skin.

Sighing softly, you relax in his arms slightly. “I made you cupcakes.” You whisper faintly after a few quiet moments.

Silco’s eyebrows quirk up and he looks at Sevika for a moment before looking back down at you. “What?” He questions softly as he brushes a piece of hair off of your forehead.

Sniffing slightly as Sevika tapes down the bandage, you sigh. “I wanted to surprise you.” You whisper quietly, as if embarrassed. “Since you told me you guys don’t.. do birthdays much down here- and you’ve been working so hard.. I guess they thought my bag had money in it. When they realized it was just food they..” you trail off faintly, curling into his chest more. “I should’ve listened to you.”

Silco practically feels his heart break as he listens to your words, looking down at you in disbelief for a few moments. When your wound is patched up well enough he motions for Sevika to leave, who does accordingly. Gently using his finger to lift your chin, he looks down into your tear filled eyes. “I will burn this whole city to the ground if I have to.” He says coldly, and you can tell he meant it. “You will never feel unsafe again. Never. Do you understand me?”

Gazing up at him for a few seconds, you gently nod before tucking your head under his chin. The two of you sat like that for a few minutes before your voice reached his ears. “Maybe I should’ve listened to my parents.” You whispered faintly, your shaking tone indicating how hard it was for you to admit that.

He tensed at your words, his arms tightening around you. He felt how blood rushed through his ears at the thought- the thought of you two never meeting. “No one” he says lowly. “Will take you away from me.” He growled.

You should’ve been scared. His anger should’ve frightened you. But.. you never felt more wanted. Maybe it was problematic- or unhealthy. But you could tell he needed you. Just like you needed him. You had been overlooked your whole life. Or if you were noticed, it was for an achievement. Not for you.

When he realizes what he said, and how it may have come off.. the tension fades from his body. He hugs you closer, his lips against your hair. “Forgive me.” He whispers faintly.

“Do you love me?”

His heart stopped when your words registered, and he swore the air stood still. Sitting up to get a clear look at you, he watches how you tilt your head up towards him, your soft eyes locking on his own. “Love..” he murmurs softly, looking off to the side. “Is a tricky thing.”

Gently leaning up, your lips brush against the underside of his jaw. “I think I might love you.” You murmur softly against his skin. His heart rate quickens at your words, and you can tell how he doesn’t know how to handle it. You’d only know each other for weeks- a few months at the most. Surely stealing a few kisses here and there wasn’t enough to establish love?

“You don’t understand what love is.” He sighs quietly, resting his arm along the back of the couch and resting his mouth in his hand as he avoids your gaze.

Your eyes narrowed slightly at his words, and you try your best to sit up to look at him face to face. “Who are you to tell me how I feel?”

He scoffs, shaking his head as he looks at you. “Whatever you feel for me.. it’s not love. Infatuation, perhaps. You’re too naive.” He mutters as he rubs his forehead. It hurt him to say those words, although he’d never admit it. He did love you. That much he was sure of. But is it fair? For a man like him to love again? Let alone a little thing like you.

“You’re so full of shit.” You snap as you manage to scoot further away from him on the couch, ignoring the burning pain in your back.

He quickly looks over at you, annoyance on his face. “Excuse me?”

When you see his anger bubbling slightly, you falter for a moment. “Y-Yeah.” You stutter. “You’re- you’re not nice to anyone else” you say quickly as you try to think. “Not like you are to me. And I’ve never seen you be soft with someone. And here you are holding me-.”

He rolls his eyes and stands up, turning his back to you as he walks over to his desk and leaning over it as he looks out of the window. “It’s pathetic. Truly.” He mutters. “How a spoiled little brat from topside finds one man to hug on him, and all of a sudden it’s love” he spits as he turns to look at you. He felt his heart ripping as he spoke. But he couldn’t stop himself. “Poor little you, all touch starved and unloved.” He seethes as he pushes off of his desk, walking over to you. “You are nothing.” He says dangerously as he steps in front of you, grabbing your chin and yanking you upward, making you yelp slightly. “Nothing to me. Nothing to the world. Nothing at all.”

When he lets go of your face you quickly grab it yourself, trying to soothe the ache in your jaw. There would definitely be bruises tomorrow.. his fingerprints left indented on your skin. Tears spilled down your cheeks as he spoke, and as soon as he turned away from you, you managed to stand up and grab your shirt, walking towards the door. He watched you leave, wanted desperately to reach out and apologize. But years of hatred had festered in his heart.. stopping him completely.

It was a wonder you even made it home. At least, that’s what you thought. Silco had Sevika tail you to make sure you didn’t collapse in an alleyway. But you didn’t need to know that.

Your parents were in a state when you entered the house, the both of them having dinner when they saw you standing there, battered and bloody. They immediately shacked you up in your room, calling the closest doctor to examine you.

That was four days ago. You’ve hardly left your room, deciding to stay curled up in bed, thinking about everything you did wrong. Silco had to be wrong. If you didn’t love him, why the hell did it hurt this bad to not have him around?

Meanwhile, Silco was in the same boat. He still went to the threshold every day, silently hoping you would return, coming in with violent optimism and putting him in his place, making him love you. But every day.. he stood alone. It was starting to eat him up inside. He couldn’t believe he’d done that to you. Said that to you. Touched you like that after promising you’d never be hurt again. He’d gone as far as putting out his cigars on himself. Just as a reminder of what you must’ve felt- having your heart ripped to pieces by a man who was supposed to keep you safe.

Needless to say, neither of you were taking this well. Right after you’d left that day, someone had brought him the sewer rats that had beat you. He spent the next two hours doing whatever he could to make them hurt.. taking out his own frustrations as well.

Coming up on day five of no interaction, he couldn’t stand it anymore. Putting on a cloak, he made his way into Piltover unnoticed. He knew where you lived thanks to Sevika, but when he saw the mansion your parents owned he knew he couldn’t just knock. He managed to case the house to the best of his ability, but he got lucky. He watched as you stepped out onto your small balcony connected to your room, and he knew where to find you.

Now, don’t ask about how he managed to climb up onto your balcony. Once he slid over the railing, he looked through the glass doors and found you lying in your bed, curled up into a ball under the blankets. He sighed softly when he saw how your head was hidden under the covers. He knew he must have torn your heart out. He could barely stand the thought. Managing to slip into your room silently, he rested against the wall near the balcony in case he needed to take his leave suddenly- like if your parents walked in. He pulled off his cloak and set it on your vanity before sitting in an empty chair.

What could he say to you? He knew his apologies would probably be worthless. He watched the way your body rose and fell in tandem with your soft breathing. He had never felt so alive as when watching you simply exist. Seeing you breathe, seeing you laugh.. it all reminded him of life itself. How to some.. there was good in the world.

After a few moments pass with him sitting and thinking of what to do, he suddenly hears a weak gasp. Looking up immediately, he sees you sitting up on your side with your back to him. He sees the way your body starts to rattle with sharp sobs that no doubt send shooting pain throughout your wound. You were having nightmares. And it was probably all his fault.

After a moment you turn with a wince to rest your back against the headboard, but you freeze when your eyes land on him sitting near your balcony. He saw the way your whole body tensed, and how you quickly tried to wipe your tears away so he wouldn’t see. With a heavy sigh, he gently stood and walked over to your large bed, sitting on the end of it with his back to you. Resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, the two of you stay quiet for a few moments, the only sounds being his tired breaths and your sniffles.

“Love is too complex of an emotion for my body to handle anymore.” His voice says quietly, but you heard him clear as day in the wide open room. “Often.. I wake up and wonder what it’s all for. Money, power.. humanity. You.. have ruined me.” He whispers faintly, his voice gravelly. “You are everything I am not. Everything I can never be again. Please.. forgive me. Forgive a damaged fool who burns up in the presence of your light.” He murmurs through tired breaths. “You deserve nothing as scarred as me. I wish I could say my flaws are only skin deep. But I’m afraid my heart is as marred as my face.”

After he speaks, his voice raw with honesty, he’s left in silence. After a few long moments, he tenses as he feels your arms slide around his waist, pulling him close as your head rests on his back. “I’m just a stupid kid- like you said” you choke out, voice raw from how much you had been crying. “And you’re so.. so much more.” You sob softly, arms tightening around him as you bury your face against his shirt. “You’re beautiful. Especially when you’re broken.” You add through tears, giving him the hug you always wished someone would give you.

Shaky breaths slip past his lips as he tries to comprehend your words. God, how he missed feeling human. Once he manages to breathe again, he gently turns onto the bed, grabbing you from behind him and pulling you to rest over his lap. Your legs hang over his thigh, still on the bed as he presses his forehead against your own, one arm around your shoulders and the other around your hips. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He chokes out softly, his eyes closing as his hands rub over your clothed skin.

Sighing softly when he pulls you into his lap, you can’t help but snuggle into him with a weak yawn. Your face was red and tear stained.. you looked like you’d barely slept. “My parents will kill you if they find you here.” You chuckle weakly against his chest. “You’re not exactly the kind of guy they want me to bring home.”

With a weak smile crossing his face, he presses his lips against your forehead gently. “I would trust their judgement.” He murmurs as he gently rocks you back and forth ever so slightly. “You shouldn’t forgive me so easily” he whispers against your hair. “You deserve better than that.”

Sighing softly, you lean up to press your lips to the underside of his jaw. “Yeah.. well. Believe it or not, I still feel safest with you.” You murmur tiredly. With a faint sigh he gently picks you up, walking around the length of your bed and setting you down, your head resting against your pillows. Yawning gently, you snuggle into your blankets and the pile of stuffed animals next to you. “go lock the door” you order sleepily.

With a faint chuckle he follows your command, locking your bedroom door before he walks back over to where you lay in your bed. Bending down to slip off his shoes, he moves to lay underneath the covers with you, pulling you into his arms with a contented sigh. “Is this alright?” He murmurs softly.

Cuddling into his hold, you nod as your eyes start to close. “if you hear my parents just wake me up and hide under the bed.” You say faintly, melting into his arms as he keeps you warm.

Smiling against your hair he places a kiss to your forehead, his hand reaching up to rub your upper back soothingly. “Don’t worry.” He whispers against your skin. “This is our little secret.”

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dazzle02 · 23 days ago

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Why Do People Never Let Ian's Bipolar Be About IAN?

This does get rambly and ranty and might annoy people. So beware.

Honestly so fed up of looking for good fics about Ian's Bipolar and most of them being about Mickey's feelings on it, and from Mickey's POV, and how hard it is for him to see Ian like that and how stressful it is on him.

Yes, loved ones of people struggling with Mental Illnesses go through a lot and that's important to acknowledge.

But why aren't there more fics about how Ian feels about his Bipolar? How hard it is for him? How he feels when he's manic or depressed? How he feels after an episode? Him having to deal with living his life with Bipolar? How he interacts with the world as someone with Bipolar? Him getting to defend himself if someone is ableist towards him? How he feels about the Psych Ward? How he feels about the way everyone (including Mickey) sometimes speaks about him?

And this is the opposite of that, but I'd also love fics that explore the Gallagher's feelings on it. Especially the younger ones as that was never really explored in the show. How awful Debbie and Carl must've felt in that moment where they go to Mickey's house and see Ian laying in bed unresponsive and realise what's happening. How it must've felt to watch their big brother who was always so reliable and steady be brought down by the same thing as Monica. Liam's feelings on having helped Frank profit off his mania, which wasn't on Liam as he was a child being manipulated by his Father, but surely he would've later realised what was going on and had feelings about it. Debbie's fear at hearing Fiona tell Mickey that he could end up suicidal. But also Fiona and Lip. Having to see their little brother go through this. We got a bit more of that in the show though.

But mostly, like I said, I want more about how IAN feels about everything. One of my favourite moments from the show is him fighting for his EMT job. It's so important. It's him fully accepting that he is Bipolar and that it is a disability and fighting to still get to live a fulfilling life. Realising that being Bipolar isn't the end of his world, that he can still do something with his life. That Monica was right when she said that people like them can be happy, even if her way of getting that wasn't healthy. And the story leading up to that of him realising what being Bipolar means outside of the actual Disorder. What it means for him in the world as a member of society. That first moment of discrimination for being Bipolar. And him at first feeling defeated by it, but then deciding to fight. And I know we all hate Caleb, but he DID help Ian in some ways. He pushed him to fight for his job. Did he say things in the best way? No. But he did clearly believe that Ian really had it in him to be an EMT and saw it as bullshit that being Bipolar could keep him from that. And Ian fought. And he won. He knew his rights. He knew that he was being kept from work due to being Bipolar. And he knew that that was discrimination and not okay and he said it. And he got his job back and gained the respect of his co-workers.

And I wish people would write about that sort of thing more. Instead of having someone be ableist towards him and him just getting sad and Mickey getting protective and defending him then taking him home and comforting him, have Ian stand up for himself like he did in that scene. Yes, sometimes you need someone to stand up for you and then comfort you. It can be nice to have someone who will defend you so you don't have to constantly do it yourself. But it's such a big part of Ian's character that he DOESN'T need Mickey to step in and defend him. He can do it himself. And he will. In fics Mickey gets to stand up to Terry himself and doesn't need Ian to do it for him, why is Ian not allowed the same thing?

Same with when dealing with Frank, or Kash/Ned. Somehow it always ends up feeling like it's more about Mickey than Ian. How he feels about the people who hurt Ian. Him defending him and telling them off. Why can't Ian get to do that more?

Ian is more than capable of defending himself. And more than capable of kicking someone's ass. He has ROTC training. He can fire a gun perfectly. He took Mickey out with one punch to the neck. He was beating the shit outta Terry in 4x11 before someone smashed a chair over his back. Frank said in the Pilot that he could "disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock." He said in S1 that he broke a guys leg in Karate so bad it took three pins to put it back together. He can fight, and he can HURT people. Just because he usually prefers not to doesn't mean he can't or won't. Because he has shown that he can and will. He's not some Damsel in Distress who needs Mickey to come and save him all the time. This is why I kinda hate the scenes of Carl and Kelly teaching Ian to fight before he's going to Prison. As if he's not the one who Carl was asking to teach him new knife grips in S3, as if he doesn't have all that ROTC training, as if he's never fought in his life and doesn't know even the basics. It should've been more framed as them helping him touch up on the stuff he already knows, that he was doing long before they were. Stuff that it honestly sounds like he might've been teaching Carl when he was younger. Just having him say to them "Hey, I haven't done this stuff properly in years and just wanna make sure I can still do it. Wanna help?" Instead of framing it like he'd never done this before and they just knew so much more than he did.

And why can't he process these things with one of his siblings sometimes? And this is just my love for platonic relationships coming out. But I wish there were more fics about Ian and his siblings. Especially Debbie and Carl. I've read a few that focus on him and Lip or Fiona, and Liam too. But there's just something so special about his relationships with Debbie and Carl and the fics are sorely lacking. (But even the Fiona, Lip and Liam ones tend to be more focused on Gallavich. I LOVE Gallavich, but I need more fics where Ian gets to exist within his family without Mickey...)

Honestly I just need more fics where Ian gets to exist as his own person and not just as Mickey's husband.

That's what this post is about really. I am really focused on this right now. The fandoms treatment of Ian makes me sick. (Along with some other characters...)

I also would love for more of him with Kev and/or Veronica. I feel like that was underutilised in the show. He got a few scenes with Kev over the seasons, and a couple with V too. But others got full stories focused around their friendships with them, but Ian didn't. (Just as he was the only one who never had a meaningful story with Frank, which I kinda like as a plot point, but would like more if they actually MADE IT a plot point instead of it just being that they very rarely interact, when they do it's negative and Ian never really has any feelings about that...) There could've been a really interesting story arc when Svetlana was starting her relationship with them and they were becoming parents to Yevgeny. Ian seeing this and feeling happy that Svetlana is happy, and that Yevgeny has such good parents in his life, but also feeling some sadness due to losing that relationship due to his mania. Feeling that grief of the family dynamic that they'd built between S4&5, and at having to see these people he loves be parents to the kid he loved as his own while he couldn't because his mania ruined that for him. Maybe even eventually having Svetlana give him another chance. Have it be emotional, but then have a kinda comedic story of Ian, Kev and V realising that they have become coparents and then a sweet story of them figuring that extra dynamic out. This would be good for multiple reasons.

But back to what started this post, sorry for the rambles. I am fed up of IAN'S Bipolar being made about Mickey.

Not even just in fics.

The amount of posts or comments on things that I'll see that are all "Poor Mickey" "Mickey is struggling with this so much" "This is so hard for Mickey" "Mickey hates seeing Ian like this" "This must be so scary for Mickey" etc pisses me off. What about Ian? You know, the one who actually HAS Bipolar? The one who while manic enlisted in the Army under his brothers identity, then proceeded to try to steal a helicopter and surface to air missiles (that one is never talked about... by anyone. Not even in the show. When the MPs find Lip they list that as one of the things he tried to steal and everyone just brushes past it. WTF did he want them for?!) and then went AWOL. Then stayed with his ex (one of the men who groomed him as a teen), ended up kicked out, then lived in a crack house with his mother who is also Bipolar, ended up working in a strip club and selling himself and doing drugs and starving himself, then his mother left him there, eventually ended up back home, then had a depressive episode (I always wonder if that was his first or if he'd had one before anyone found him but just didn't know what it was and couldn't process it as he was unmedicated. Part of me wonders if he had his first while staying in that crack house with Monica and if maybe that was when she left... I feel like it could make sense...) had his entire family trying to get him to see a doctor because they're convinced (rightly so) that he has the same thing that they seem to hate Monica for (they hate her for leaving and the things she did to hurt them, but it often gets so twisted that it comes off as hating her for being Bipolar in the first place...) except Mickey who is adamant he's fine and is protecting him from having to talk to a doctor and defending him to his siblings until suddenly he's not after Ian MADE A PORNO that is out there forever and he has to live with that forever, so he ran off with the baby he loves as his own, sells himself again to get money to buy stuff for Yev, ends up convinced that the Police who are trying to "take his baby" were sent by JESUS (which is absolutely heartbreaking and I wish they'd gone into that a little more because Ian had a lot of religious trauma when it came to his Bipolar, and I know that religious delusions are pretty common in Bipolar and Schizophrenia, but I always wonder if that was also in part due to him being gay and literally earlier in the season having to deal with religious homophobes...) then thought he was being chased by Demons sent by an Angel, then he ended up sedated and arrested (the arresting officer seemed kind and understanding, which was such a relief...) and then he was in the Psych Ward and he did not like it and it was clearly traumatising for him and his meds were just making him totally numb. Then he was out of there, with a diagnosis he didn't believe but everyone else did, and meds he had to take but didn't want to because they made him feel like LIFE WASN'T WORTH LIVING (also, wish people would explore how Debs must've felt hearing him say that...) so he flushed them and then had his sister using the same tactics on him that they used to use on Monica and that must've just felt so shitty. But also, Mickey wasn't there. The first thing Carl said to him was "What does it feel like to be crazy?" And I don't hold it against Carl, he was a scared kid with no reference for how to be more sensitive about that stuff, but man that must've hurt. (Also, I think about the look on Ian's face when Carl says it could be him next so much! He looked so upset! He would never want that for his little brother!) Then Mickey's back, yay! But then he's waking up absolutely terrified because he's convinced there are MPs trying to get in the house to take him away, and he almost hits Debbie with a bat. Then he's getting told that he's likely going to have to be on these meds that he HATES for FORTY YEARS! Possibly longer. Basically this is something he has to deal with his whole life.

Then he's having to deal with adjusting to the meds, and everyone fussing over him like he's a child and just everyone treating him differently. He puts his hand on a hot stove just to feel something. And he opens up to Sammi about the Army. Also, first time he refers to himself as mentally ill. First time he really acknowledges that. And he manages to open up to Mickey about how the meds make him feel, about how he needs Mickey to be his boyfriend and his partner instead of just his caretaker. And it seems that Mickey is understanding that. He stops protesting at Ian having a beer, they go home happy and plan a proper date. Then fucking Sammi reveals she's called the MPs and they're there to arrest him. Literally the episode before this his first scene was him being absolutely terrified due to believing they were there trying to get him, and now they really are. And he is dragged out of there screaming. He's feeling betrayed because he opened up to Sammi and she threw it back in his face. And he's terrified. Then he has to hear his siblings talk about him like he's not there, talk about how bad his Bipolar is, talk about how he's been acting crazy, how their mother with the same thing made their lives hell, how he sometimes can't take care of himself, list all the things he did while manic. And they're doing it to help him. They love him and want him home and safe, but hearing them say all that would hurt! And then his Mum is there, telling him all this stuff about everyone wanting to fix them and how he'll never be able to make them happy because of that. And how is he supposed to not believe that when he's just had to listen to his siblings say all that? When he's just been dealing with everyone treating him like their patient instead of brother and boyfriend. When he already feels he's just been hurting everyone he loves. So when he's released he goes with her because she gets it, and they can just be fucked up together where they can't hurt anyone and everyone will be better off without him. But then while he's with her she talks about bad things that happened when he was a kid like they're fun and good memories, and she's dating a drug dealer who cooks meth and is just awful, and she tells him they CAN be happy. And he goes home. But he's feeling terrible about himself still, he still feels like he's just a burden on everyone, especially Mickey. So he breaks up with him because the thought of keeping him tied to him like that destroys him. Oh, and you know, that scene at the bridge where he was very clearly thinking of jumping because he was so depressed and felt his life was over... Ya know, that little scene.

Why is it never about all that? Why is it almost always "Poor Mickey having to see him like this" and "Mickey is such a great boyfriend for dealing with this!" And like, yes, it obviously sucks for Mickey having to see the man he loves like that. And yes, certain things that happened during that time hurt Mickey. And yes, he's a good boyfriend who tries his best to take care of Ian. But WHY is that so much more important to people than the person who's brain has turned against him and blown up his entire life?

I know why. Ableism. Plain and simple.

And the show could be guilty of this at times too. So much of the story of him first showing symptoms and then his diagnosis were from other character's POV. Especially Mickey's. We get a bit of a shift in 5x06 when he takes Yevgeny, and then him in the Psych Ward. But then it kinda shifts back to other characters again. A moment I think about a lot is when Ian and Mickey go to the clinic to get Ian's meds after the incident with the bat. It's a good scene, and I would say it's more Ian's POV. But I kinda wish the scene had ended on a shot of Ian instead of Mickey. Don't get me wrong, showing both reactions to the doctor saying Ian would be on the meds for at least 30-40 years was important, but I kinda wish that it had gone from Ian to Mickey and back to Ian again. I just think it's kind of important how a scene closes and who that last shot is of. And in that moment, it should've been Ian because this was about HIM. And by ending it on Mickey, it feels kind of more focused on Mickey than Ian. And I hate that. In that moment, Ian should've been the focus. Just as there are moments that Mickey should be the focus. (Like there should've been scenes from Mickey's POV about 3x06 and the aftermath...)

I'm just fed up. I want more fics about Ian as a person outside his relationship with Mickey. I want more people talking about Ian outside his relationship with Mickey. More people acknowledging Ian's relationships with his family and friends.

I love Mickey. I love Gallavich. I love reading fics about them. And I DO enjoy fics where Mickey is taking care of Ian. But when that's basically all I can find it gets boring and exhausting.

I want more fics from Ian's POV about his own Disorder and traumas. I want more fics about Ian's relationships with his siblings. I want more fics of Ian with characters other than Mickey. Like, let him and Tami bond over their experiences being groomed and learn to truly process that with someone who understands. Let him have days out with just Franny. Let him bond with Veronica over their medical knowledge. Spend time with Kev. Let him have feelings over when Carl was trying to get into Westpoint. WHY wasn't there a scene between them about when Carl was rejected from Westpoint where he goes to talk to Ian because he knows he understands?! Why was there basically NOTHING between them when Carl started Military School and was wanting to go to Westpoint? I loved the scenes of them running together and I loved the scene where Carl told Ian he was considering not going to Military School because Dom wanted to get back together and Ian told him not to. But where were the scenes acknowledging that this was Ian's dream that got ripped away from him by his Bipolar? Where was the scene of Ian telling Carl he's proud of him? Of Carl going to him for advice? Why did they have to make Ian dismiss Debbie's sexuality? Why couldn't they have them bond? Or at least if they wanted to keep that first scene of her coming out to him and him saying she's not, have a scene later in the episode where he apologises to her and explains that he's just scared for her because he doesn't want her to have to go through the stuff he's had to or that the people he was helping during the Gay Jesus arc were going through and that because that was still SO fresh and literally at the front of his mind that fear took over and he just didn't want that for Debbie. That could've been interesting. Instead they just decided that the one person in the family who should've been the most understanding and helpful to her when she was questioning her sexuality is actually just going to totally invalidate it and never provide a reason. Because the fear of someone you love going through the same thing you've had to your whole life is going to make you act irrationally and maybe do or say things you shouldn't, and that could've been really interesting. Instead it just wasn't. Instead it was just everyone telling Debbie she wasn't gay and then suddenly that just stops and it's never mentioned again that anyone was saying that. Let it be an ACTUAL story with genuine feelings between two queer siblings who love each other instead of whatever that was meant to be.

#shameless us #shameless #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #gallavich #gallagher family #ableism #ableism in fandoms #people need to stop #let disabled people have voices #let platonic relationships be just as important as romantic ones #let ian gallagher be his own character instead of viewing him as an extension of mickey #he's not just there to be whatever you need for mickey #whether that be a loving husband #or someone for mickey to take care of #or someone to use to hurt mickey #this goes for so many disabled characters #it feels like some weird saviour complex #and i hate it #let ian's bipolar be about ian #but also let his siblings have feelings about it too #and again #mickey is allowed feelings about it #you are allowed to write fics about mickey's feelings about it #but we need to talk about ian's feelings about it more #because my mental health is my own #no one else's #if someone came and said that my family is so amazing for dealing with me i'd be so hurt #or just constantly made my shit about everyone around me #i'm not bipolar

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