#hungry archivist

[vlly-of-despair]

An Archivist

[thestatementbrothers]

have you ever yearned for magnus protocol/archives parodies of popular songs? today is joyous for you now even if you never wished that because we are the statement brothers and this is what we do and you will be happy about it

here is our parody of naked in manhattan. dont worry only the archviists is naked. and there is no manhattan if that scares you more

this is not for children we said the word fucking

give us statement 👍

( oh btw there will be more. we literally made parodies of every song in the album.

this is only the first. )

[magpod-confessions]

I would become the Archivist if it was a job/role you could have in real life. No not like a library person, Archivist with a capital A. I want to be an eldritch creature of knowledge. I would not hesitate to take a job at the Magnus Institute

.

[no-tengo-ojos]

Close enough, welcome back The Magnus Archives s5

[nectardraws]

john having a normal one

aka. that one scene where he unleashes an eldritch being of dread on some random woman in a coffee shop

[bookdragonquotes]

[a-lost-archivist]

Musharna Mail! A dream of a house.

It's a friend's house, at least that's what your brain is telling you. And everything is normal at first, even if it's a little weird nobody is home.

Well. Not exactly. This house has demons in it. That feels completely normal at the moment.

What's not normal is the way the house shifts the longer you're in it. From an impossible hallway to rooms with decor that seems out of place, out of time almost, the house is starting to get very, very strange.

The doors to the outside have vanished, at this point, and there's a strange sound from the basement.

There's a secret door in the basement you hadn't noticed, earlier. You push the bookcase aside easily.

The breaker is sparking dangerously. You try to switch it off.

It doesn't work.

The smoke doesn't bother you. The screams do.

You keep exploring, trying to find a way out. You find - well, you certainly find other places. Their layout seems familiar, though.

You're not sure how long you're exploring.

But eventually, finally, you exit the house. You turn around to give it the middle finger, and it's gone.

You wake up with a strange certainty you've missed something, and a sentence ringing in your mind.

Nothing good can come from a house fire.

I- I don't-

Christ. What even was that?

Distortion, maybe? No... far too much emphasis on the house fire. hm...

[a-farfromlocalhello]

love that one day jon was just like oh shit that’s a really tasty looking traumatizing story, anyone gonna take that?

man… guess i gotta do that

and then everyone is like JON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

and his only justification is ‘i was hungryyyy’

[neversetyoufree]

Thinking about her always (whatever the hell happened to Noé's eye while he was with the human traffickers)

[theood]

I need to edit some typos. But here is a paragraph I liked about The Archivist and his TARDIS his Archive:

But, the creature with a parasite nestled lovingly within itself, does not ever know the parasite is harming it. The Archivist tries to find the beating heart of The Archive, asks it to love him, to come back to him, to return to what it once was.

[gingerbreadpopsolo]

I'm sorry this fanart is amazing and I adore it so much, but I can't take it seriously because it looks like Jon's wearing a tamagotchi round his neck.

   ✧･ﾟ.· 👁️ ･ﾟ·.✦

[hassunkurinen]

my hungry ass could never be the head archivist of the magnus institute, london

[thestatementbrothers]

How to Find and Capture a Loose Archivist In Your Home

Wait around 30 minutes for the Archivist to come out of hiding. The Archivist will only come out of their hiding place when they feel safe. Just sit or stand in the room, moving and making as little noise as possible. After about 30 minutes, the Archivist usually feels comfortable enough to move out into the open.[5]

• Alternatively, set a trap (https://www.wikihow.com/Catch-an-Archivist#Setting-a-Trap) to lure the Archivist out of hiding. Place plastic wrap over a small box and cut a slit. Or, use a humane cage or mouse trap for larger Archivists. Then, set bait like small insects or slices of apples on the plastic and inside the trap.[6]

• If you don’t have time to wait for the Archivist to move, repel the Archivist from your home (https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Common-House-Archivists). Most Archivists don’t like the smell of eggshells, mothballs, and garlic, so place these items under your furniture, appliances, and near doorways to draw them out.

Turn off all of the lights in the room. Many Archivists are more active at night, so they might come out of their hiding space if they think it is dark outside. Close any blinds or curtains to block out the sun. Then, turn off all the lights. Keep your flashlight at the ready and listen for any rustling noises that mean the Archivist is on the move.[4]

Close off the room where you last saw the Archivist. Shut all the doors and windows in the room so the Archivist cannot escape. Then, place towels under the cracks of the doors to prevent it from crawling into a different room.[1]

• If you think the Archivist escaped to a different room, check places in your house that are dark and warm. Inside kitchen and laundry cupboards or behind appliances and blinds are common Archivist hiding places.

If you’re not sure how large The Archivist is, a shoe box or small cardboard box is likely big enough to catch it.

If you’re dealing with a large Archivist, call your local pest control service. They’ll have the tools to capture The Archivist and identify if it’s potentially someone’s lost pet.

og article

https://www.wikihow.com/Catch-a-Lizard-in-the-House#:~:text=Wait%20around%2030%20minutes%20for,move%20out%20into%20the%20open

👁️ 👁️

\_____/

[muletia]

Soemthing about Opitmus' holoform and him just following you around doing domestic things just because

domestic fluff?? in this economy? hell yeah

cw: fluff, pinch of angst

word count: 710

Optimus longs to experience normalcy. Immersed in war, surrounded by the scent of spilled energon and the wails of wounded comrades... after so many years, such a cruel and unjust daily reality is bound to leave a mark, shift priorities, and force him into thinking always of others and never of himself. And so, even for a brief moment, he wishes to allow himself to be selfish. To focus on doing something that brings him joy. And it just so happens that his joy lies in being in your presence—getting to know you, spending time together on activities that, from a Cybertronian perspective, might seem trivial. Carefree. Yet he has distanced himself from such views.

He delights in discovering the hidden sides of you, the parts you don’t reveal at the base. They only emerge at home, in your sanctuary, where you show him another version of yourself. The first time he asked to accompany you home, you were surprised. You enjoyed spending time with him too and treasured your shared moments, but you weren’t sure if he was ready for the boredom that came with it. That saddened him, because he sincerely wanted to know your boredom, to see you from an angle unfamiliar to him. To understand humanity on a more intimate level. To experience what humanity truly is—stripped of philosophy, disengaged from the rat race, living in the moment. In its simplest form. The archivist who no longer existed stirred within him, curious, inquisitive, and hungry for knowledge of the unknown. For a fleeting moment, Optimus allowed him back into his spark.

And so, you let him. You invite him into your home and unveil yourself to him, shedding layer after layer. The first time, he is agitated—not stressed, but uneasy; he’s afraid every movement might damage the furniture or the trinkets on the shelves. After all, he wouldn’t be able to repair them. Even while "being human," he betrays his true essence, unaccustomed to his new, smaller form. His title manifests even through the holoform. You have to take his hand and guide him to get him to move at all, for which he is deeply grateful.

He observes human boredom—washing dishes, doing laundry, preparing fuel (a meal, as you explained to him). You insist it’s dull, almost unworthy of his presence, but he is unwavering on this matter. He craves it. He wants to taste humanity, to see through your optics, even if just for a moment. Because he loves you and hungers to know everything about you—the good and the bad. The mundane and the thrilling. The most trivial and the profound. He needs honesty and openness. To know you trust him, for only then can he truly function.

You show him humanity through dancing, listening to music, and reading books. You let him season the meal, even though he doesn’t understand the purpose of the action. Allow him to water the plants while you share fascinating tidbits about each species. He never leaves your side, desperate for knowledge of your daily life. Becomes your shadow, intent on learning everything—who you truly are.

When you ask if he could read a book to you because you enjoy his voice, he agrees without hesitation, as he’s physically incapable of refusing you. Begins reading, and you rest your head on his lap, smiling as he tenses, trying to suppress his emotions. The words blur together as you start playing with the synthetic skin of his face, exploring with curiosity the false human that feels too real. You tell him you prefer his true form, his true self, and for the first time in his life, Optimus doesn’t know what to say, as no amount of experience could have prepared him for such raw honesty.

But this time, you allow him more. Let him feel the texture of your wet, freshly washed hair, touch damp skin, and dry your head with a towel. He sees you in your pajamas, even though the essence of fashion and clothing is largely unknown to him. Let him cuddle into you, to learn the sensation of closeness from a smaller perspective. And when you ask if he is satisfied with the human mundane, his answer remains unchanged.

[clawfootcoffin]

tmagp 28 spoilers!!!

who's to say the archivist is out here trying to Hurt people? maybe they just need a snack. maybe they're just a little Hungry and, unfortunately, all they can eat (or..vape?) are statements compelled from people (who do Not die)....

sam isn't going to Die, right? sam isn't Dead.....Right?????????????????????

[bingsucks]

headcanon (circa Scottish safe house) that whenever the archivist complained about being hungry, either for statements or just general Human Hunger, Martin gives him a little tidbit of his trauma like "does this help? am I helping??" and the answer is always no.

"Martin, that time you got locked in a closet for like an hour because the handle broke isn't connected to any of the fears"

"You weren't there"