#human kite can shoot lasers from his eyes?

[cgspirl]

crafting the most insane lore and it's all for the fucking south park games

anyways personal headcanon new kid's power is belief and their power source is their heart argue with a damn wall-

[spiderrmax]

raccoon & friends x sidekick reader

synopsis: headcanons about how i imagine the raccoon & friends would react to having a sidekick! author's note: freedom pals will eventually get their own post :) also, like all my other works this isn't proof read if you see any mistakes no you didn't.

The Raccoon

The way you become his sidekick is probably out of your hands. Since he sees himself as the leader and you as the new kid (which, to be fair, you are), he feels like he has to take you under his wing.

He acts as if it’s a chore, but it is mostly a front. He’s excited to train you, and he genuinely cares about your powers.

Following the events of the game, The Raccoon shows an obvious soft spot for the new kid, and this amplifies when he is “forced” to protect you

The Raccoon doesn’t go on a lot of solo missions that require fighting, he is mostly looking for intel. You are mostly left on guard duty while he steals whatever he was looking for.

He doesn’t like telling you things, but he always caves and tells you anyway. He feels like you listen to him more than the other members, and it’s very obvious he likes you the most. (Similar to how the New Kid gets new classes in the game.)

When, however, the two of you are in battle, he is extremely overprotective. It’s not like you can’t hold your own, he just hates watching you take a punch, which is inevitable. 

You know how in the games characters can be enraged by certain attacks? The Raccoon will hyper focus on the enemy who leaves you bleeding. He doesn’t stop until the enemy is down, so when making battle plans you have to count for his rage.

After battle he will complain about you getting hurt, (“Jeez, if you’re going to stay my sidekick, you need to get better in battle.”) but he won’t let you leave his base without him bandaging you or at least giving you some sort of healing item

Gets jealous if you have to go on a mission without him. Always puts up a fight, that you shouldn’t be without him. Will threaten the superhero you are pairing with for the mission, making them promise to keep a good watch on you. Then will make sure your next mission is with him

Human Kite

Unlike The Raccoon, Human Kite doesn’t even propose the idea of having a sidekick. It’s you who proposes the idea, admitting you think you two make a pretty good team as he is a range fighter where you tend to fight close up.

He’s so flustered that he says yes and then flies off. (He’s so used to people mocking his power/superhero identity that you admitting to admiring him was surprising.)

When Cartman finds out that you asked specifically for Human Kite he tries to persuade you to join him instead; you decline, and Human Kite can’t help but smile at your dedication to being with him.

He takes the role of mentor so seriously. When on missions, you are always in Human Kite’s field of sight. He is always prepared to fly off if the fight is too large for the both of you, but you are too stubborn and will fight anyone who plans to attack.

Constantly is having to heal you on the field. He knows that you aren’t going to die from a few hits, but the guilt of your injuries is heavier now that you are under his protection.

Although, he does agree you two make a good team. You do most of the damage due to the close combat, which allows for Kyle to keep you standing with his healing powers.

He isn’t as dramatic about attacking the enemies that hit you as Cartman is, but will shoot his laser eyes at them at the next opportunity. 

Human Kite is also great for morale. He constantly is motivating you on the battlefield, supporting you as you attack, with small words of encouragement. 

Doesn’t mind if you have to go on missions without him, with your guys’ different skill set and all, but worries so much. Will meet you outside the base to check for any major injuries when you return, scolding you for being so reckless as he wasn’t there to take care of you. 

The Flash

The Flash, similar to Human Kite, has never really desired a sidekick. He always works alone, due to others tending to slow him down. He only really asks for help when it’s dire.

Presuming you are a speedster class hero, he is down to have you on his team! His missions are gaining intel, similar to Cartman’s, and he appreciates sending you on smaller quests that he knows you can tackle due to your similar powers.

Not to say, he wouldn’t accept you if you had selected another class, but there are some downfalls for his main missions. The two of you are a killer duo on the field though, balancing each other's strength and weaknesses 

The Flash always double checks areas before you go in because he knows he can go undetected

After you guys have been working together, anytime he goes on a solo mission he is very aware of how lonely it is. Will go and crack a joke, and only then remembers you aren't there. He gets solo missions done faster, but that doesn't mean he enjoys them

Will race you around for fun! Loves showing off his speed (especially if you aren't a speedster). 

When you're injured and he's forced to carry you back, he speeds up; adrenaline rushing. He hates seeing you injured, and he most likely doesn't carry healing items due to them slowing him down. 

The biggest perk of being his side kick is you are not bound by the limits of the Fastpass. He will take you anywhere (if he isn't busy). The Raccoon complained about this once, but The Flash did not care enough to stop the special treatment. 

Super Craig

Considering he is a brutalist, he'd benefit most from a sidekick who isn't in that class.

However! He did not want a sidekick at first. Unlike Human Kite and The Flash, he saw it as a waste of time. He despised working with people, and would flip the Raccoon off when he tried partnering him up. (Of course, he works with the other heroes. It is also begrudgingly)

So, the first time you ask, he says no. He’s blunt, and doesn’t try to humor you. He has no reason to think you following him around would benefit him in the slightest.

It’s not until he’s in true battle with you – not a small squabble with criminals easily defeated – does he realize how beneficial it is to have you. Where he is often unprepared, you carry items that change the course of the battle, and you willingly share them with him too! You shoot from afar while he’s close-up, and it’s the first time he was thankful someone was there in battle with him.

He has to suck up his pride to reapproach you with the offer, but luckily for him, you don’t torment him with how his backtracking on what he previous said.

He is very silent when you are working together. If you come up with a plan he will follow it, and may even help modify it so it works more efficiently, but he is very quiet on missions. This helps them run smoother; however, after, he is willing to entertain any questions or small talk you have. It may be short responses, but he does enjoy how you fill the once empty night.

Super Craig carried healing items before, due to his close combat nature. However, with working with you, he carries even more. Or, he’ll give you some before you leave on missions so he isn’t weighed down by them. Either way, your health comes before his, and he would not hesitate to give you aid even if he also requires bandaging. 

The Raccoon hates how he has a sidekick. Believes that Craig is the lamest superhero due to his lack of care in concealing his identity. Craig just flips him off anytime he complains, saying that it’s not his fault you didn’t want to work with him.

Mosquito

Mosquito, like the Raccoon, approaches you about it first!

The two of you have been in battle before – especially due to his kryptonite. Despite being charmed and fighting poorly, he can recognize your strength. You have nothing to lose when you are approached with this offer, so luckily for his pride, you say yes.

Despite how he is meant to be making most of the decisions, as comes with the Superhero title, he is always looking for your guidance.

He never makes a choice unless he has thought it out with you. A plan will not be enacted unless he has run it by you and you have done all of the changes you think are necessary.

He also gets extremely nervous when you become injured. He isn’t the strongest hero, and often feels like your sidekick, so seeing you bleeding or limping creates a lot of panic for him.

Mosquito is prone to emotional outbursts – if a mission becomes too stressful, he’s hurt, you’re hurt, it’s late, anything can set him off, really. He needs you to be level-headed, and he would work best with someone who isn’t quick to react emotionally. New Kid in game is often practical, and a similar personality would mesh well for Mosquito.

The Raccoon often sends Mosquito on simpler missions (due to knowing how Mosquito cracks under pressure) but will send you on more complex missions. Mosquito cries so much when you are gone, nervous about what you are doing, if you’re okay. When you return home – after being gone no longer than a day, at the most – he is blubbering in your shoulder that he missed you. He’s very dramatic.

Captain Diabetes

Following along with the game, you are paired up with Captain Diabetes after he is assigned a complex mission.

This isn’t to say he is disappointed! Captain Diabetes is so excited to have you on his team, and takes pride in guiding you along the way.

He is so protective – even if you are technically stronger than he is. He won’t let you into a room without him entering it first and scouting the area out.

Is also really prepared, in comparison to the heroes who had to shift their behavior to count for you. He has snacks and drinks due to his diabetes, and has no problem sharing his extras with you if a mission drags on longer.

Tends to take control on missions, but is willing to listen if the situation isn’t dire. He respects you as his side kick, but he is mostly used to doing things alone. Your input is respected, he just often forgets to ask for it.

Similar to Craig, he would work best, for balance, with a blaster or speedster (or anyone with range.) He takes a lot of the hits, so strong damage from afar helps shift the course of battles.

Panics the first time you are injured and ends up forgetting to hand you a potion until you reach up to grab it from him. He gets really flustered after that, not used to being so frazzled in a mission.

Captain Diabetes is one of the better superheroes to sidekick with! He is a good balance of strong and capable but also respectful.

When your mission is done, and you aren’t technically assigned to him anymore, he approaches you and asks if you two can still work together anyways. He stutters a bit, and blushes when you nod your head ecstatically. 

Bonus! Call Girl

Call Girl isn’t seen as a superhero by most, so you have even less respect as her “sidekick”

Realistically, Call Girl doesn’t let you or others call you by that. She finds it a bit demeaning, and doesn’t keep you as her equal. You two are partners in her eyes.

The two of you don’t often do missions together either. Call Girl prefers to stay behind the scenes to pull the strings. It’s you who is often fighting when it is necessary.

However, you aren’t alone on the streets. Call Girl has you carry a phone she can track at all times, and she occasionally (when not extremely busy) will check the traffic cameras near your location.

Since she can’t always be there with you, she constantly is reminding you to take food, medicine, and water since she can’t carry extras.

Will scold you if you return to her injured, but will never not be the one to bandage your wounds. She is delicate as she covers them, and although her words might come off as mean, her eyes tell a whole different story.

When she begins gaining credibility, and is in fights with you more often, she is always there to protect you. Similar to Cartman, she gets angry with those who attack you, but it doesn’t cloud her judgement (she just hits harder, or leaks more embarrassing information.)

She has the best strategies! Always makes them with your strengths and weaknesses in mind. Occasionally, she forgets to ask for your input, mostly due to being excited or deeply invested in what she is planning. She won’t be upset if you interject with what you think, especially if it is something she may not have thought of.

If she sees you in danger on the cameras, or she is with you and a small battle becomes much larger, she will always jump in. Although she always tries to have a plan, she cannot account for anything and will be there whenever you call her.

[fayoftheforest]

human kite & antisemitism

In the notes of my recent meta on Vampire Kyle AUs, a user reflected on how similar antisemitic stereotypes might overlap with his TFBW character as well. Since I also have some thoughts on this and enjoyed putting together the last lil post I thought I’d do another on this subject too :) 

South Park Fandom Wiki states that Human Kite is heavily inspired by Superman, “being a faraway alien with the ability to fly and to shoot lasers out of his eyes, even wearing a costume with the color red, yellow, and blue and a symbol in his chest to match.”  I think this is pretty cool! Superman was created by Jewish immigrants and is very Jewish-coded in his origin story, being “a refugee with the Hebrew-inspired name ‘Kal-El’ who escaped a dying world and fought Nazis during World War II” (JewishUnpacked). I don’t know if Tratt were aware of these roots, but either way, I think it’s pretty neat :)

South Park Fandom Wiki also claims that Kyle playing an alien character “may be a reference to how Adolf Hitler did not consider Jews ‘human.’" This is. Uh. Less neat.

Similarly upsetting is the name itself, Human Kite, which is a play on words with the horrific ethnic slur “kike.” American Jewish Committee posits that the term “is derived from the Yiddish word for circle, ‘kikel,’ a reference to how Jewish immigrants at Ellis Island signed their entry forms: a circle as opposed to an X, which Jews associated with the cross of Christianity. Immigration officers described those who signed forms with a circle as ‘kikel,’ eventually being shortened to ‘kike.’”

Did Matt and Trey really create his entire character just so that Cartman could call him Human Kike that one time? I can’t say for certain, just in the same way I don’t have a direct quote from them confirming the reasoning behind their selections of names for Kyle and Ike. But I can tell you that if you put ‘em together and you get… yeah. Yep. “Kike” again. Thank you, Tratt, very cool 👍Get a new joke maybe :/

Now, let’s talk specifically about his laser powers. Up until researching for this meta, I had presumed that Kyle’s ability to shoot lasers from his eyes was a direct reference to the Jewish Space Laser conspiracy popularised to the public by terrifyingly influential political figure Marjorie Taylor Greene. In 2018, Greene wrote a Facebook rant speculating that the California wildfires were caused by a giant laser floating in space, owned by the Jews. Very normal thing to believe :|

However, during my research, I realised that these timelines did not match up. As mentioned, Greene’s rant was shared in 2018, but didn’t go viral until 2021. Meanwhile, South Park’s The Fractured But Whole was released way back in 2017! What I had initially assumed was another antisemitic reference is in fact just a dreadful and ridiculous coincidence. Nonetheless, It’s still a commonality that’s worth pointing out, I think.

Just as an aside, I’d like to take this opportunity to give a shoutout to cousin Kyle’s version of Human Kite. Everything about him is an egregious Jewish caricature, from his irritating, snivelling voice to his long list of health issues. It’s not my fault that the limited Jewish gene pool has fucked me over, Tratt! Leave me alone! A meta about antisemitism within Cousin’s Kyle characterisation would be a mile long, so I’ll spare you that for now.

Anyway, what does this all mean when we’re creating fan content around TFBW? Must we just chuck the Human Kite persona into a blender and never speak of it again? Not necessarily. Speaking as a Jewish fandom member, I quite enjoy reading and writing Human Kite. It’s a fun character to play around with! Despite his unfortunate roots, I don’t believe including him is innately antisemitic. It just depends on how you go about doing it! If he’s not secretly running the world, controlling the banks and Hollywood, or consuming the blood of innocent Christians, you’re on the right track. 

You could even go for a little meta-commentary and acknowledge the antisemitic coding within the text! Here’s an example of how I did that in my upcoming TFBW reality swap fic (don’t question why there’s two of everyone, it makes sense within the text lmao)

“Wait, you’re telling me in an alternate reality we’re all aliens?” Kyle gawks at this funhouse-mirror version of himself, who’s busy gawking right back. “No, Kyle, just—just you,” Kenny says. “Oh.” Kyle narrows his eyes. “You know, it’s difficult not to interpret this with antisemitic undertones.” “What, like the Jewish Space Laser conspiracy?” Cartman asks. Mysterion frowns. “Jewish people have space lasers in your universe?” “No,” Cartman sighs and shakes his head forlornly, before muttering, “it’s a made-up rumour to perpetuate mistrust and hatred towards the Jewish community.” “Alright, don’t sound so disappointed,” Kyle huffs. “Guys!” Stan says. “Can we not start this argument again?” “I never said it was a cool rumour, Kyle!” Cartman snaps defensively. “Obviously it’s super harmful and whatever. All I meant was that it would have been cool if it were real. Because, like, space lasers are awesome! Right?” He looks to Kite, apparently presuming that they’re an authority on the matter. “Um.” Kite blinks, then says hesitantly, “I can shoot lasers… from my eyes. And once I did sort of fly up into space and magnify the lasers to destroy Chaos’s tin foil factory. So, uh. Does that help?” Cartman’s face lights up and is split in half by an enthusiastic grin. “It helps a lot, actually.” Kyle groans and pinches his nose. “You have no idea how much education you’ve just undone, dude.” He opens his eyes to glower at Kite. Kenny glances at Chaos. “Tin foil factory?” Chaos waves a hand dismissively. “Outsourcing proved more efficient.”

There we go! A lighthearted little nod, which acknowledges potential antisemitic readings of Human Kite, without justifying or excusing it. It’s not at all necessary when creating fan content around Human Kite, but just know that that’s an option to you, if you so choose. Just make sure antisemites are the butt of your joke, and not Jewish people, lmao.

I’ll finish up by returning to my general sentiment that I held in my Vamp!Kyle post. If you conduct your creations with a basic level of awareness and self-reflection, you’ll probably be alright. Just stay in the know, and you’re all good to go 😎

[slimeylee]

Toolshed's Improved Tools

characters : kyle broflovski ( human kite ) & stan marsh ( toolshed ) -- request for anon !!

" So if we beat up our past selves , does that mean we change the future ? "  " Maybe we split off into another timeline . "

lee ! human kite , ler ! toolshed - south park tickle fic :3 WARNING : this fic includes the use of tools !

In the lair of the Coon and Friends residing in Cartman's mom's basement , conversation was rather dead tonight . There weren't any of South Park's typical strange situations ... no fire in Kenny's house , no oil spills , no evil almighty dark lords . The group were superheroes all night , and typically they all did their own thing in the basement until an announcement was brought up . Just in case .

Professor Chaos sat quietly in his cage with Mysterion sat chatting with him . The Coon watched television and ate Cheesy Poofs , Fastpass and Tupperware talked at the table , Mintberry Crunch sat with Captain Diabetes in a far corner of the base . The Human Kite and Toolshed sat in a separate corner of the base as well . Toolshed had told Kite a bit ago that he had been working on some new , upgraded tools .

So that's just what they did . In the corner of the base , Toolshed and Human Kite sat and looked over Toolshed's tools . " I'm still kinda working on this one , but this is a hammer that can do permanent damage to even the strongest villain's bones ! " Toolshed exclaimed , picking up a sledgehammer that had bolts on either side from the bucket of finished and work-in-progress tools he was working on . " I don't know if I'm gonna add anything else yet , but I might add a mini shield or something to protect myself from the enemy . " He explained . He wasn't actually too sure how it would work in general ( in superhero terms ) , but he came up with stuff as he went on . " Cool ! " Kite exclaimed , a big grin on his face . He loved watching Toolshed be passionate about his works , even if it was just a game .

" Wanna see some of the ones I finished ? I've been waiting to show you them and I actually wanted to try a couple out with you , " Toolshed said . The Human Kite's expression became slightly worried , slightly concerned . " Don't worry , they won't actually hurt you -- they're not actually designed to hurt -- they're more meant to stun . " Toolshed explained . Kite loosened up a bit , " Oh , okay . Sure then . " He nodded , and Tool immediately smirked a bit ... that couldn't be good . Maybe he should've turned down the offer ? Too late now , he presumed .

" Let's do this one first , " Toolshed said , pulling up a screwdriver out of the bin . But it wasn't any ordinary screwdriver -- it had a ... feather , taped to the tip . " I don't have names for any of these yet . I'll show you how it works . We can spar , " Toolshed explained , and Kite stood from his spot on the floor . " Alright , sounds good . "

" Okay ... and , go ! " Stan started to somersault in different directions , rolling and jumping from one spot to another . Kite spread his arms , ' flying ' around and ' shooting ' with his laser eyes while making " Pew pew ! Pew ! " sound effects . Kite whooshed behind Stan , a wrong move , to which Stan took as an opportunity to tackle Kite to the floor . " Ah ! - Wait , I was - FLYing ! " The Human Kite immediately yelped .

Kyle had immediately broke character in that moment as the gentle feather of Toolshed's screwdriver fluffed under his chin . " Wait -- Toolshed ! Ahahahahah -- what the heheck ! " The Human Kite giggled and squirmed beneath Toolshed , turning his head away to try and escape the tingly sensation that the feather brought . " Effective , right ? " Shed asked . " T-Tohohoolshed stohop ! That tihickles ! " Kite whined with loud giggles as Toolshed skittered the feather over his chin , neck and ears .

From his belt , Toolshed grabbed out another screwdriver . This one was a normal screwdriver . It was one of those ones with the thin , straight tip rather than a pointed tip . Kite got the chance to catch his breath as the feather-tipped screwdriver was placed down , immediately breaking into laughter again as he felt gentle but quick pokes being peppered around his abdomen .

" FUHUhuck ! Tohohoolshed ! Gehet off ! " Kite made a desperate attempt to cover his stomach , but with Toolshed prodding in different areas , it made it hard to cover himself immediately . " Ihihit tihickles ! " Human Kite whined a second time. " That's kind of the point , dude , " Toolshed chuckled at Kite's current situation .

" Oh yeah , I had another one I wanted to show you . " Toolshed smirked . In a rush , he stood up and ran to the box of tools . Human Kite lay practically defenseless on the floor in a flurry of giggles and pants , making an attempt to stand up .

Unfortunately for him , Toolshed was quicker . He immediately straddled Kite's waist again . " Thought you could escape ? " He grinned , holding up the tool he had acquired in the short amount of time . It was a wrench -- A wrench that looked normal , til with the push of a small button it ' transformed ' . The top half of the wrench twirled up , and it was connected to a contraption that made the top half of it spin whenever Stan pushed down the button .

Human Kite panicked and began to thrash underneath Toolshed . " Waitwaitwaitwait -- let's tahahalk about this ! Please ! " Kite whined , looking at the tool with a look of anticipation and ( playful ) terror . Toolshed smirked , " It looks like your screws are a bit too tight ... that's usual -- let me loosen them for you , " He grinned , pushing down the button . It made the top half spin rapidly , which was apparently extremely scary to Kite , because he grabbed at Toolshed's hands , pushing him away and trying to squirm away himself .

" What's wrong , Kyle ? " Toolshed taunted , " I'm just trying to help you loosen up ! " Shed giggled , trying to pry his hands out of Kite's grasp . Human Kite was laughing madly out of anticipation -- pushing at Toolshed's wrists . " Woah -- fuck ! " Shed startled Kite by pulling his arms back , and Kite released his wrists . Letting out a mighty cackle .

" HAHA ! SHIHIT - STAHAN ! " Kite squealed out as Toolshed began to lightly drill the wrench into his stomach . He moved it along Kyle's stomach from one side to the other , adding in some scribbles to his side with his free hand . Kite thrashed , his laughter turning eventually into snorting and wheezing . His face was extremely red . Stan smiled and ... realised how adorable Kyle was just now . Wow . He's never beating the gay allegations

But , he noticed Kyle was definitely getting to his limit ... despite not lasting very long ... and eventually brought the tickling to a stop . He hopped off of Kite's waist , waiting by his side for him to calm down . While also admiring him in the process . Kite sighed loudly , covering his face with his hands . "Thahat was fucking horrible , " He whined .

Stan smirked . " They're good tools though , right ? " He asked , to which Kite gave him a playfully annoyed look . Stan held out a hand , and helped pull him up . Their little moment was interrupted by a yell from the other side of the base .

" What the fuck are you fags doing ? " from The Coon . Yeah ... everyone was looking at them .

[jewbeloved]

Hello! I saw your requests were open and I just couldn't resist.

Could you do the main 4 + Twerk and Craig with a male S/O who is like Sans from Undertale? Only if you want to of course! Have a nice day/night :)

Team Stan + Tweek and Craig with a sans! s/o🤍💙🩷

Kyle's note: Sure thing! <3 You didn't specify if the reader had the same powers sans has so I will add it in there.

Warnings: Laziness ROTFL

Gender: Male

💙 Stan "Darsh" I mean Marsh- 🍼

Dude wtf? why the hell are you drinking ketchup at 3 in the morning-

wait, YOU'RE DRINKING KETCHUP?!?!?!

Stan cannot believe his eyes when he saw you slurping that ketchup bottle as if it was your normal everyday water bottle.

And now you made him a hotdog that barely has anything on it? The laziness-

Not concerned about your lazy behavior since he can be quite lazy himself too. He'll probably lay upside with his head hanging down while sitting next to you on the couch.

He got creeped out when you first showed him your gaster blasting thingys. Wait are you pointing one of them at him?!-

He finds some of your pun jokes funny too!💙💙💙

💚 Kyle Jewflovski 🎉

Oh dear lord help him, He just wakes up in the morning and sees you drinking a bottle of ketchup on his computer because you and him were video chatting all night.

Does not question your weird behavior with the ketchup because he's too tired for this.

You like to annoy him with your god awful puns just to see his reaction every time he nags you about being lazy.

(Name), you're annoying the poor dude...he's trying to study in peace and all he hears is you coming up with new jokes to bother him. 💔

Isn't creeped out by those skull blaster things like Stan. He basically shoots laser beams himself in his human kite alter ego.

Will be surprised when you suddenly lift him up into the air by using his soul.💚💚💚💚

❤️ Eric Fartman 🍓

Even for him He finds you drinking ketchup completely weird. He wonders if you had been Jew washed by Kyle into thinking ketchup is meant to be used as a drink.

He also finds your pun jokes funny, especially when they are directed towards Kyle. But he won't be happy if you're joking about his weight though.

Will 100% use your powers to benefit him in his schemes. Like if he wants to rob people he can just tell you to summon them gaster blasters to scare that person into giving Cartman what he wants.

The list goes on forever about what he can do with that special powers of yours.

He's all down with having a lazy day with you as well. Dude sits down on the couch playing games with snacks next to him.

Y'all are definitely a perfect match for each other....most of the time...❤️❤️❤️❤️

🧡 Kenny Poormick 🥭

He's probably the only one that isn't weirded out by you drinking ketchup. He practically goes through the trash can for money and food sometimes.

He absolutely loves the puns you make. He even lets his sister join in on hearing your jokes, you always put a smile on her face whenever she's feeling sad and Kenny thanks you for that.

He was flabbergasted when he saw your powers the first time when you were defending him from a bully who was picking on him.

You blasted that punk to ashes.

Kenny is now obsessed with your powers and he always asks to see them with every given opportunity.

But please don't accidentally kill the poor dude- 😢🧡🧡🧡🧡

💛 Tweek Twark ☕

Doesn't notice you drinking ketchup the first time.

I can legit imagine Tweek spacing out when he's in the middle of drinking too much coffee like this:

He has coffee cups everywhere it should be obvious that he drinks a lot of coffee without noticing.

He'll probably notice when he finds a lot of ketchup bottles around the place and then he walks in on you chugging down a whole ketchup bottle.

Also visibly weirded out by you drinking ketchup but won't question it.

Like Kenny, he also loves your puns too. They always make him feel better whenever he is feeling really stressed out.

He'll get scared at your powers so it's probably not a good idea to just summon the gaster blasters when he's not in the right mindset.

He will grow to feel more at ease with them though. 💛💛💛💛

💙 Craig Fucker ⚽

He just blankly stares at you drinking ketchup like a statue and then flips you off at last sec before going back to what he was doing.

Nah you expect him to show a better reaction of you drinking ketchup? He goes to school with a bunch of crazy classmates and he deals with Tweek too. He won't show much of a reaction to you drinking that.

He doesn't mind your puns, he might even slip in little giggles while you're at it. He also doesn't mind your laziness either, I mean I don't see why he should care though.

(Name), Your powers are cool but come back and cuddle with him alright?

Cuddles first, showcase your powers to him later.💙💙💙💙💙

[swashbucklerred]

ever think about how kyles canonically a psychic and they just. dont talk about it

[mintless-tefie]

⭐ Superheroes Au ⭐ Part. 1

Follow me in Instagram "Mintless_Tefie"

_______________

💙 Stanley "Stan" Marsh: Stan plays on the football team as captain, his father put pressure on him but in the end he liked it. He has an open relationship with Wendy, They have dated from a very young age and decided to take the time to have more experiences but continue their relationship because they love each other.

He is currently dating with Gary Harrison, but has had casual s3x with boys and girls, Kenny McCormick, Henrrieta Biggle and Lexus for example.

🛠 Toolshed: The new wave of crimes has brought the arrival of superheroes ready to defend truth and justice. One of them is Toolshed, a young man with mental powers over any type of tool.

________________

💚 Kyle Broflovski: Kyle has been working as a receptionist in his father's law office to raise money for his tuition, on the one hand he finds the experience and money useful, but on the other he has learned that he hates lawyers. When he's not in the office, he's in the drama club watching his boyfriend work. Eric Cartman is the most unbearable person in a love relationship, he constantly victimizes himself, but Kyle already knows him well enough not to be influenced, he has learned to ignore him when he behaves like a b*tch, he still loves him very much and knows that he does his best of himself.

☄ Human Kite: Due to the new crime threat Kyle has decided to help. Turning into the Human Kite, he can shoot lasers out of his eyes and has incredible healing abilities making him a versatile member of the team.

___________________

❤ Eric Cartman: He is not exactly a good person, but in recent years he has given up his childish attitude to improve step by step. He actually pursues one of his passions, to command people .... Uh ... I mean, to be the director of the school drama club. His boyfriend usually helps him when he is not working and thanks to him he has learned a lot about tolerance and patience, but let's accept that he still has a lot to learn.

He loves to wear feminine clothes and has an alter ego called "Bad Irene", but he gets very angry if someone uses feminine pronouns with him.

🐾The Coon: This superhero is not driven by freedom or justice, nor by helping people. The Coon wants media attention to feel special and if he has to help a few assholes to get it he will. He is just a guy with a raccoon mask and metal blades in his fingers pretending to be claws, he is lethal, he is bipolar, he is strong, he is agile, but above all ... he is very cute.

________________

🧡 Kenneth "Kenny" McCormick: He is still the poor boy in town, but he has tried so hard to get money to go to the University of Denver, he plans to study "Pure and Applied Sciences". The money comes from his part-time job at a S3x Shop. He is currently single, but has casual s3x with boys and girls, including Red McArthur, Butters Stotch, Annie Knitts, Stan Marsh, David Rodriguez, and just about every raisin.

❔ Mysterion: He has always helped the safety of his town from the shadows, but the crimes have increased and he may need more help than he wants but he will do what is necessary to make the town in which he grew up safe for his sister and friends. Mysterion is an immortal creature from the abyss, he cannot die, if he does he will be reborn the next day, above average strength and exceptional agility is the hero South Park needs.

-------------------

That would be it, sorry for the poor English. If you have questions from the au you are free to ask them 🧡❤💚💙

[saline-sp]

Can I know everyones superpowers for the superhero au?

Ok this is gonna take a while because there's quite a few characters and some might need more explaining than others but here we go

Mysterion- Immortality, later develops shadow/darkness powers (based on some of his attacks in TFBW)

Coon- He's part racoon demon and can change form based on that (Normally uses the half human half racoon form but does have a full raccoon form that I'll probably go into detail about later)

Toolshed- Kinda confusing to explain but I'll do my best. He has control over a type of energy that he can use to manipulate different types of construction equipment, as well as emit the energy from his body without any equipment. I'll draw something someday that hopefully explains his powers better since I'm bad at explaining them

Human Kite- Flight and laser eyes, as well as the ability to summon his kite which has multiple uses like a shield, a weapon, or a hoverboard type thing

Professor Chaos- Lightning-like energy control based on his negative emotions, becoming stronger the more negative he feels

Call Girl- Technically has no powers, but uses technology to fight crime

Super Craig- The power of super strength as well as apathy

Wonder Tweek- Control over the weather which can be affected by his emotions, also as the ability to shoot things like lightning and ice from his hands

Mosquito- Has retractable wings and the ability to drink people's blood like a vampire

Tupperware- Technically no powers depending on how you look at it (idk if cybernetic enhancements count as superpowers) Usually relies on gadgets and other weaponry that he's built into his cybernetic body parts

Fastpass- Superspeed, also has energy powers that he can use while using his superspeed

Changeling- Shapeshifting, can also use the powers of heroes she shapeshifts into but only after making physical contact with them

Sponsor- Control over ads and other technology

These were just some basics for everyone since I didn't want this to be too long, but hopefully that helps explain the powers of the different characters

[idga-buck]

Some and Others, 3/?

Earth’s mightiest heroes save the city again, but that’s never the end of the story.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 4,301

Content: canon typical violence, death, destruction, swearing

Bucky was going to call. He just didn’t. He was surprised you hadn’t and overwhelmingly disappointed that it meant if he was going to apologize, it was a conversation he’d have to initiate himself. It could wait though. Just a little longer while he figured out what he wanted to say.

A week later, the Post ran a story about the same gossip site that had leaked your photo of him being shut down after many of their stories and photos were found to be fake. A rarity for the world of journalism these days, Sam noted casually as they stopped at a newspaper cart. Bucky bought a couple candy bars and watched the man with the thick black mustache and the gold chain slip copies of the article in front of a few of his worst sellers. Could he actually be that lucky? It was an easy out after a week of dodging questions and trying to remind the world to stay out of his business.

“So that photo of you? The secret girlfriend?” Sam waited for Bucky to respond, but when the centenarian opted to buy a Pay Day instead, he watched closer. Bucky hated that. Sam said he had a staring problem, but Sam was the one with x-Ray vision. He could read people, read a room, read Steve’s body language from across a battlefield and adjust his position without being told. As annoyed as Bucky acted when paired up with Sam Wilson, he was one of the few people in this century that Bucky Barnes respected. Truly. Except for that moment on a street corner when brown eyes were scanning his complete lack of guts and deciding what was worth commenting on.

“Yeah,” Bucky ripped open the wrapper a little too aggressively and responded with peanuts between his teeth. “It wasn’t real.”

Sam nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets while Bucky stuffed his face. “I don’t know how you land the fake girlfriend story, when I’m right here,” they started walking away from the stand while Sam jabbered on. “And lookin’ as fine as I do? Come on, man,” he danced ahead of Bucky a few steps, forcing him to look up. “You know this would make a better story.”

Before Bucky could say anything, a loud crash echoed between the buildings. Nothing was visible from their block, but both men, trained for combat, were instantly on alert.

“That for us?” Sam asked, eyeing the busy intersection.

“No,” said Bucky, a clipped tone in his voice as he shook his head and started walking again.

Another crash, this time accompanied by the faint human noises that usually follow tragedy.

“You sure about that?” Sam’s eyebrow shot up.

Sirens from every kind emergency response vehicle blared in the distance, growing louder then quieter again as they wove their way through the streets, changing directions to avoid traffic.

Bucky pointed at a passing fire truck, waiting until it had turned down another street before speaking. “See? They got it.”

Then Sam’s phone rang and Bucky swore, planting his hands on his hips while whoever was on the other line confirmed that the emergency growing in the distance was in fact for them. Sam placed the call on speaker and gave their current location. Stark’s voice was muffled and metallic, the way it usually was while calling from inside his fancy helmet, but he told them to stay put as he did a fly by with Sam’s equipment.

“Tell the Tin Man he’s got a special delivery,” Tony informed them from somewhere overhead.

“They're your wings,” Bucky grumbled, looking up from the ground as the familiar glare of Iron Man’s thrusters came into view. “And your robot.”

“First of all,” Sam informed him. “Red Wing isn’t a robot. He’s a drone.”

“It,” Bucky corrected, “is a robot.”

“I’m gonna tell him you said that,” said Sam before pointing up to where Iron Man had doubled back to get a better angle. “And… unlike some of us present, my body is exactly as God created it, flesh and bone.”

“Pop up, deep center,” Tony’s voice rang out obnoxiously through Sam’s phone once more.

Bucky watched a black bundle falling from the sky, trying to position himself under it and pushing more than one pedestrian out of his way to do so. “Actually, I was a catcher back in ‘32.”

“THEN CATCH!” Sam hollered just before the EXO Falcon gear landed square in Bucky’s chest, forcing him off his feet and onto his ass, skidding to a stop on a sidewalk while the people around them scattered, gasping and grabbing at their phones to take pictures of the two Avengers. Bucky laid flat on his back, both arms still wrapped around the bundle, and took a deep breath when Sam stood over his head, arms shooting out to his sides as he yelled “SAFE!”

Bucky groaned and tossed the black bag up into Sam’s arms, hard enough to make him stumble but not enough to knock him down. “Should have said ‘out.’” Bucky grumbled and Sam chuckled as he dug through the bag for his equipment. “Safe makes it sound like I-”

“You really wanna argue about baseball right now,” Sam laughed, securing his wings over his torso and releasing them both with a flash as if stretching before a fight. “Or are we gonna go save the world?” Bucky didn’t answer, just took off running in the direction of the screams. “That’s what I’m talking about,” said Sam to himself, shooting up into the air.

…

Robots. Drones. Whatever they, Bucky Barnes has decided that he hates them.

Fighting Nazis was easy. Not physically. Not when your gun isn’t really yours and the food sucks and you’re almost as worried about losing your toes as you are losing your team. But it made sense. These men in their wool coats wanted innocent deaths. Something in Bucky that had been there all along was born anew in the war. He was a protector. Of his sisters, of Steve, of his country. It made sense.

Nothing about Hydra made sense and the therapist he stopped seeing told him it was okay to think about those years differently than the rest. So he did.

When T’challa presented him with a black vibranium canon for his left side, the enemy was otherworldly. Literally. They didn’t bleed like men. They made horrible screeching noises when they died, but even that was different from me. They rode disgusting creatures with teeth that could have scratched his arm if he’d let them get close enough. They were invaders, their leader sought destruction on an even greater scale than the War. Bucky was a protector again, protector of Earth, of life in the universe. An unimaginable title for the boy he’d been, sitting in front of the radio with his family and marveling at the president's voice. It’s not like he was eager to do it again, but space invaders whose goal was universal genocide would be met with the business end of Bucky’s favorite rifle.

Fighting robots, however, was fucked up.

Bucky was still processing his new life, still getting used to the idea that people carried plastic cards in their wallets and could pull money out of the walls with just a few buttons. There were movie theaters with screens two stories high. Cars plugged into the sides of hotels. The cell phone in his pocket was overwhelming as is. In a few minutes, he could buy all the clothes he’d ever need, pay for dinner, and talk to people across the country. It was baffling.

All this technology, all this progress, and of course there were people who weaponized it. Bucky hated that. He remembered science fairs, remembered Howard Stark’s big promises. There was so much hope in him as a young man. He’d live to drive a flying car, his children would learn about the world through a holograms in their livingroom, his grandchildren would live on the moon. The possibilities were endless. So much so that people with horrible intentions for the world also believed that the possibilities were endless, forcing Bucky into his current position.

His thighs were wrapped around the base of a machine, arms wound near the top. He threw his shoulders back with all of his might, squeezing his legs in the process, and didn’t stop until the metal gave way. Bucky fell onto the pavement with his own momentum, the enemy in two pieces with wires exposed and frizzling as they died. He dropped the robot and rolled to his side, observing the scene around him. Steve used a cleaner approach and sent his shield flying through the air. Three more bots’ were sliced in two, the last of which was pinned by the shield into the side of a brick building. Sam circled above, with Redwing swooping below to draw laser fire away from bystanders while Wanda tried her best to herd them away, spinning to throw angry red energy at anything that came their direction.

“Sergeant Barnes!” The familiar and overly excited voice of the kid in blue and red spider gear startled Bucky. The kid swung in unexpectedly, decked out and ready to help. Bucky didn’t care that he was probably skipping school to do so and swung his vibranium arm behind him, the metal of another droid crunching under his elbow. “How can I help?”

Bucky squinted, a little dumbfounded at the question. There was a six block radius being overrun with droids, drones, robots- whatever- and people were terrified. “Pick something,” he grunted, taking the robot's head… top part, between his hands and twisting until it gave way and the bottom half dropped powerless to the ground.

Just then the sound of metal screeching pulled both their eyes to a city bus being thrown around like it was weightless, crunching the vehicles nearby, and sending more people into a frenzy as buildings were still evacuating onto the street. “That! Pick that!” Bucky commanded and the kid flew away, attached to a white string like a kite. Two more robots were approaching from the sidewalk, red eyes glowing and ready to fire. Bucky looked around the street for something, anything that he could use before deciding on a minivan. The windows looked clear, driver and passengers already scampering away at the first sign of trouble, so Bucky planted his boot into the back door and kicked. The door caved in and the vehicle flipped onto its side before skidding to a halt on the sidewalk and crushing the robots beneath it.

“Uh! MISTER BARNES, SIR, SARGE-!”

Bucky turned back to look at Peter, propped up on a light pole and leaning so far back his body was almost parallel to the ground. The only thing keeping him upright was the two thick white webs attached to the bus, one at the front and one at the back. It was tipping over dangerously low, trapping a small group of people between the bus and two buildings, one that had smoke billowing out the windows. This was a mess.

Bucky ran through the street, jumping onto the hoods of abandoned cars to avoid weaving between them before leaping off an SUV and rolling back into a run on the sidewalk. A laser struc Peter, knocking him clean off his perch, and the webs supporting the bus went dangerously slack as it started tipping toward the trapped people again. Bucky jumped, wedging himself between the building and the collapsing bus with great effort. His shoulders dug into the brick behind him and his thighs burned as he shoved the bus away from the wall, gritting his teeth as he felt it slowly start to tip away from the ground. The kid was now on the ground somewhere out of sight and Bucky had to hold back from sending the vehicle flying, lest he squash Stark’s favorite spider in the process. The tension in his legs grew as he held it steady, adjusting his feet and shoulders until he felt it wasn’t going anywhere.

“Hey!” He called out to the people below him. “Get out of here, go!”

There were rushed thank yous and lots of tears as the crowd dispersed from their trapped position. But one voice stood out among them and it made Bucky’s heart speed up.

“Bucky?! Oh my god, BUCKY!”

Bucky’s eyes were closed under the strain, but he’d know your voice anywhere. He opened them just in time to see Peter recover and zip off in a new direction. Bucky released his breath and shoved his feet out hard, tipping the bus back. He dropped from the wall and grabbed you as the bus wobbled precariously in both directions before finally falling into traffic and directly onto the roof of an empty red sports car.

Bucky hadn’t realized how tight he was holding you until you said his name again and the word was broken. His arms relaxed a bit, but you made no move to run away… or let go of his jacket. The two of you just stared at each other, breathing heavily, before screaming drew your eyes away. The small crowd of people you’d been stuck with were running away from where you stood, but the two in the back collapsed, their bodies charred and heavy as they hit the ground. You screamed then and Bucky pulled your back into his chest, hugging your stomach as you keeled over. He’d seen so much death in his hundred odd years, it was hard to witness it with these fresh eyes. You weren’t prepared to watch two innocent people’s skin melting under lasers. Hell, neither was Bucky and while you cried in his arms, the smell of burning flesh stung his eyes. He’d never get over that smell, no matter how many world wars he participated in. His face was buried in the back of your head, shushing you as he lifted you up. He took careful backwards steps until you were both hidden in the same alley you’d just been trapped in. Bucky looked up at the burning building and decided he had a minute before you were both in danger here.

“Hey,” he said softly when you went limp against his chest. “Hey now,” he repeated, spinning and almost dropping you when he realized you hadn’t just relaxed… you were unconscious. “Shit,” Bucky dropped to his knees and let your body lean up against his chest, slapping at your cheeks and calling your name to try and wake you up. Half of your face was red with blood from a wound he couldn’t see somewhere in your hair. Break up or no break up, he couldn’t leave you like this. Any other person, he’d run them to safety and double back to continue clearing the streets. But this wasn’t any person. It was the girl he dumped in the middle of a restaurant and had continuously put off calling to explain himself. He hadn’t gotten the chance to clear the air and leaving you to wake up in a few hours in the middle of a destroyed midtown was just too cruel. He did like you and now it felt like he owed you.

Bucky picked you up like a doll and slung you around to his back, crossing your arms over his chest as your legs dangled behind his knees. That wasn’t going to work, he decided after only a few steps. “Can you hold on a little-“ Bucky drifted off as he turned his face to see your face hidden behind him, your forehead limply resting against his shoulder. “Of course not,” he berated himself and stopped to adjust again. This time he stooped, grabbing one of your arms and one of your legs with his hands. You were slung over his shoulders like a backpack, the same way he carried goats in Wakanda, only much easier since you weren’t kicking or screaming and he had two hands with which to wrangle you.

His steady march out of the fray was interrupted once by Wanda. After directing pockets of people to safety, she’d sought out the source of the invasion. Bucky looked around for a safe place to stow your body and found an SUV that was abandoned but still running with the doors unlocked to lay you out across the backseat, carefully tucking your feet in before slamming the door behind him. He liked Wanda, despite not knowing what exactly she was capable of, but liked her a lot less when he found himself immersed in a glowing red forcefield and being lifted into the sky. When he was forced through the large glass window of another building only to look up and find her floating gently through the hole his body had created, she shrugged.

“This way was faster,” she said, Sokovian accent much softer than their first meeting.

“Right,” Bucky groaned, making a mental note of how many Avengers could zip through the air with ease and the odds of being the one she found on the ground.

They raced up the final set of stairs and Bucky ripped the maintenance door to the roof off its hinges. It was unlucky that Bucky and Wanda had been the ones to find the bastard responsible. If it had been Steve, he’d been bound and handed over to the authorities. Tony might have thrown him in armored vehicle and shook him around a bit before demanding answers. Bruce… depending on the day wouldn’t have been much better. Nat would have gotten answers easier than either of them and Sam was easily the most noble of the bunch, so Bucky had no idea what he’d do. The right thing, whatever that was. But Wanda wasn’t particularly fond of people who harmed innocent people. The motivation didn’t much matter to her when the sounds of children crying could be heard in the streets. Bucky didn’t have much grace for people who were smart enough to help, but broken enough to hurt. Like the bastards in Hydra, who healed him, kept him alive, gave him extraordinary strength then weaponized him. Anyone who had this level of technological advancement and chose to bring destruction with it was a waste of air. Wanda hoisted the man up into one of her angry red orbs while Bucky broke the control panel into as many pieces as he could, destroying anyone else’s opportunity to learn from this guy. Neither of them had anticipated this guy to be so well armed. It looked like a pistol, but whatever it fired managed to get through Wanda’s energy field and pierce her shoulder, breaking her focus just enough for him to drop back onto the roof. He took off running to the edge and leapt, but Wanda recovered faster, using her powers to yank him back. Bucky caught him in the air and squeezed, locking the man in a painful hold until he noticed glowing red numbers counting down behind the man’s neck. Shit.

“Bucky!” Wanda pointed at the man’s hands, wrapped threateningly around a plunger that could only mean one thing.

Without a better option, Bucky turned back to edge. He released the man and as he tried to stumble forward, Bucky’s boot landed square against his sacrum, launching the man through the air and into a neighboring building in a ball of fire. Both Avengers watched the corner offices go up in flames, disgust and horror in both their eyes.

“The whole block was evacuated,” Wanda said softly and Bucky nodded. There was a distinct lack of screaming coming from the direction of the building and sirens soon flooded the streets below as first responders made their way into critical areas. From the ledge, both of them watched as the remaining bots dropped to the ground before their team, disengaging en masse. Steve looked up from atop a bodega and saluted the sky in their general direction, lifting the shield as a second acknowledgment before jumping down to the street to start… whatever Captain America does once the threat has been neutralized. The PR and clean up stuff wasn’t Bucky’s scene and he turned away, making it all the way across the roof, still observing the scene below, before remembering that you were somewhere, either still unconscious or just waking up, deeply confused in the back of a stranger’s car.

“You okay?” Bucky asked, wanting to make sure before asking Wanda for any favors.

She pulled her hand away from her shoulder, black nail polish and red blood looking menacing and downright witchy against her pale fingers. “I’ll be alright,” she assured him, eyes already glowing red as she prepared to offer more aid.

Bucky stopped her and nodded over the side of the building. “Gimme a lift?”

She snorted and waved her fingers without looking at him and soon enough, Bucky found himself falling on his ass once again. He needed to work on his dismount if this was going to become a regular pairing. Thankfully or maybe not, you were trying to wake up as Bucky slipped into the driver’s seat and commandeered the vehicle. He turned back to watch you whine in pain as you tried to sit up, before slipping back into sleep when he told you to stay down. You were in and out for most of the drive, which helped Bucky weave up and over curbs to avoid stagnant areas where everyone had abandoned their cars out of fear.

…

You woke up with a headache, exasperated by the bright lights of the emergency room. Bucky could see the moment you came to by the hard squinting that melted into a grimace. You’d had a couple false starts, but when your eyes opened and locked on his, Bucky knew it was the real deal this time. He stood to pull back the curtain and immediately a nurse was shimmying her way into your space, brushing her chest against Bucky’s in the process. He nodded and gave her a tight smile. It had been like that since he walked into the ER with you. Avengers carrying blacked out civilians get a lot of attention, but they also get speedy service. Which is what Bucky told himself when he stuck around once you’d been admitted. You’d get better care if he stayed with you, so he did. Feet propped up on the end of your bed and dropping whenever someone came to run another test. He wasn’t family and didn’t claim to be, so they told him nothing, but nurses managed to smile flirtatiously in between doing their job. In another life, Bucky would have… done something. Anything. He smiled. He was a hundred, not dead, but there was something off putting about receiving these looks when you were asleep right there between hanging curtains in an overrun hospital as ambulances and families started to arrive from the mess he’d just left.

You answered their questions slowly, but correctly. Your name, where you were, what year it is, who the president is. The doctor would be in soon and Bucky took the minute of alone time to scoot the chair they’d brought in for him. You were watching him expectantly as the legs scraped across the floor, just a few inches before he could reach a hand out to yours. You looked down curiously at your hand in Bucky’s.

“They spelled my name wrong,” you murmured and Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut as you lifted your joined hands to observe the little plastic bracelet closer. He shook his head, wanting to apologize, but also hoping you wouldn’t connect the dots that he’d given them your information incorrectly. “Bucky?” He looked up to find your eyes wider than usual, a little more vulnerable than he was used to seeing you and wanted to do something to make you feel better. But like the entirety of your relationship, he had no idea how to do that.

“You’re okay,” he nodded, telling himself as much as he was telling you.

“Thank you,” you squeezed his fingers as your voice shook.

Just then a man in a white coat, pushed back the curtain and Bucky stood reflexively, dropping your hand in the process. He turned back and saw your face fall before crossing your arms over your chest and looking away from him.

“Sergeant Barnes,” the doctor addressed him first.

“Bucky,” he corrected without thinking and turned his body, opening up the room a bit and directing attention back to what mattered. The patient. You.

“Thank you for bringing her in,” the doctor continued, then looked back and forth between the two of you. “We’ve got it from here, if you need to-”

“He can stay,” you piped up. The doctor asked if you were sure, but you were. The doctor nodded, turning fully toward the bed and while that was Bucky’s goal, he now felt completely out of place in the tiny space.

“First things first,” the doctor started. “You and the baby are just fine, so I don’t want you worrying about that at all. Do you have a OB or a-”

Bucky stopped listening at that moment and focused on the roaring ocean in his ears. He looked to the bed where you were listening intently to what the doctor was saying, nodding and shaking your head mechanically. While he stared, you stole a glance in his direction. Your face was blank and he didn’t spend much time trying to read it.

“This sounds personal,” he said, voice flat and vibranium hand already reaching for the curtain at the end of your bed. “Take care.” Without sparing another look, Bucky walked through the busy emergency room with his left hand tucked into his front pocket, making him invisible to anyone who didn’t know he was there.

A/N: Here we go! It’s happening. I’m not sold on the way this ended but it was getting long as is and don’t worry, Bucky will have his chance to make it up to you.

Tags: @fangirl-swagg @learisa

[mst3kproject]

War of the Gargantuas

I know it’s not fair to go WTF, Japan? Japan has an entire film industry that I am mostly unfamiliar with.  They produce spy thrillers and romcoms and historical dramas in far greater numbers than they do weird-ass monster movies, and I really shouldn’t judge other countries’ cinema when I come from the land that produced Phil the Alien and Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.  But then I watch something like War of the Gargantuas and I just… WTF, Japan?

In the first three minutes of this movie, a giant octopus with pulsating red eyes attacks a ship, but a shaggy green giant shows up, pounds the mollusk into submission… and then sinks the boat himself because fuck boats, I guess.  The Maritime Safety Board call the heavily medicated Dr. Paul Stuart, who had a ‘young gargantua’ in captivity a few years ago.  The creature escaped, but Dr. Stuart and his assistant Akemi insist that it was very gentle and tame, and could never have grown into such a monster. Further investigation reveals that there are two gargantuas, the green one living in the sea and a brown one up in the mountains – and that the green one grew, Reptilicus-style, from a scrap of flesh lost by the brown one!  This means, sure enough, that if you blow them to bits you’ll end up with a whole army of the things.  Fortunately, no movie with more than one kaiju in it has ever ended without the two of them fighting to the death!

Actually, the ending is way stupider than that. The two giants are in the ocean, kicking each other’s asses, when deus ex volcano suddenly erupts underneath them. This sucked in Legend of the Dinosaurs and sure enough, it sucks here, too.  It does provide a solution to the thing where any still-living scrap will grow back, but it renders everything the human characters have done ultimately pointless.

That means, yep, this is yet another movie in which the so-called heroes do nothing! Stuart and Akemi definitely get the most screen time.  They travel from place to place, looking for clues and having dull conversations, and a couple of times Akemi gets into peril so that Stuart and the brown giant can save her, but they never really do anything.  Nick Adams as Stuart looks like he has about as much idea what’s going on as Tom Holland in any given Avengers movie.  Judging by the movements of his lips, he’s speaking English while his co-stars’ lines are in Japanese, so it’s entirely possible he really doesn’t know what anybody’s saying.  He wanders around and mutters his lines like he’s high as a kite.

The closest Stuart and Akemi come to doing anything important is in flashback, where we get a brief look at them raising the baby gargantua they found somewhere.  This creature looks like a cross between bigfoot and one of those Japanese hot spring monkeys, and we’re supposed to infer a special bond between him and Akemi as she teaches him to drink with a straw.  In the movie proper, our supposed heroes urge the military not to blow the giants apart, and insist that the brown one is nice and should be allowed to live.  They fail, unequivocally, in both of these endeavors.  The army just keeps shooting at the giants with or without permission, and the general decides that the brown giant is an acceptable loss if they can kill the green one.  It might have worked slightly better if Brown had been saved by chance at the end, but he isn’t – the volcanic eruption consumes them both.

Since Stuart and Akemi don’t do much, the closest thing we have to an arc in this movie is, believe it or not, the two monsters. They represent the two sides of the kaiju coin – green is the monster that destroys humans, brown is the gentle creature that protects them.  The dual nature of Godzilla and his brethren was sufficiently well-established by 1966 that this might be an intentional attempt to comment on the genre, and it’s presented far more explicitly than the ‘good’ and ‘evil’ of monsters in a lot of films.  Brown is good and leaves humans alone, except when they need his help – then he goes so far out of his way to save Akemi than he actually breaks a leg when a boulder falls on it.  Green is evil, and actively seeks out humans to hurt them.

Green’s behaviour is at times quite shocking for a movie of this type.  In a lot of Japanese monster movies, particularly the ones in which the monsters become characters rather than mere forces of nature, human deaths are more implied than shown.  We may get shots of people running and screaming and debris falling, and that one guy hanging on to the tree in every single movie that ever had Rodan in it. The aftermath may show people in shelters or hospitals, but the monsters fight in empty streets and we’re often told that the cities they’re smashing have been evacuated.  Even when people do die, it’s more as a side effect of a giant creature moving around in a restricted environment.  The green giant, however, actually picks up humans and eats them, spitting out the bloody clothes when he’s done!  More than once we are actually shown somebody screaming in his grip as he raises the unfortunate victim to his mouth!

This dichotomy could provide the monsters with a good reason to fight, with a lot at stake for the humans, but War of the Gartantuas doesn’t make proper use of the idea.  We are never given a clear motive for the conflict that develops between the two giants.  When we first see them together, Brown is rescuing Green from the humans who want to hurt him, helping him hide from them and cleaning his wounds.  This brotherly relationship falls apart immediately once Brown rescues Akemi, but Green was not the one who put Akemi in danger. Perhaps Brown takes exception to Green eating people, but he never sees Green do that, either.  Perhaps he’s supposed to be upset that Green has turned the humans against them both, but the scene in which tourists run screaming from a giant, we can’t see well enough to know if it’s Brown or Green.  A little more insight into what the two monsters think of each other and how those feelings change could have been quite interesting.

All this means that even though War of the Gargantuas sounds like it should be ridiculous enough to be a good time, it doesn’t really have a lot to offer.  On a level of plot and visuals, this one emerges straight from the pits of WTF Japan that gave us Godzilla vs Megalon and Prince of Space. We have two hairy ogre-faced giants and a gratuitous monster octopus!  We’ve got laser gun battles and pretty women in peril and plot twists that make no goddamn sense!  Unfortunately, we’re never sufficiently interested in any of these characters, even the monsters, to really care, and the stupid ending leaves us wondering what happened to the WTF Japan movie we started with.  I cannot decide if the film takes itself too seriously or not seriously enough, but I feel like a slight nudge in either direction might have done wonders.

In This Island Earth the characters were pretty useless but at least their were some nice things to look at.  War of the Gargantuas doesn’t even have much by way of spectacle.  Some of the mountain scenery is very nice and tehre’s at least one very pretty matte painting, but there’s very little destruction of miniatures outside of one absolutely stellar moment when Green picks up a row of tanks, one by one, and throws them – each one lands squarely on somebody’s house, which is utterly destroyed… because fuck houses too, they’re basically land boats, am I right? Having discovered that the green giant is afraid of light, the army tries to fight it with lasers.  The effect for this is okay but not very interesting, and there are a couple of shots in which the giant costume is definitely on fire.  I hope the guy inside it was okay.

Insofar as the movie has anything to say, there’s some vestige present of a point about the trouble that develops when wildlife becomes acclimatized to a human presence.  At the beginning of the movie, the green gargantua is afraid of light, and so both the army and civilians use light to force him back into the ocean.  Later, however, he realizes that light means people and people mean food.  This is somewhat similar to what happens when bears, for example, learn that they can get food from campgrounds.  The bears leave their natural niches to go for these easier meals, thus putting both themselves and the humans in danger.  The situation is magnified in the movie because people are literally what Green eats, although it never tells us how or why he developed a taste for them.

If this were intended, then the movie neuters it just as it neuters the main human characters, by ending in a volcanic eruption. It’s a dumb coincidence that sucks all the impact out of the film like a narrative black hole.

War of the Gargantuas has also got one of the worst musical numbers I’ve ever seen in a movie, including some of the crap that was on MST3K!  There’s a gratuitous song performed by a terrible singer (the song itself is not very good, but it’s mostly her) on a restaurant balcony, oblivious to the monster looming up behind her.  I can just hear Tom and Crow chanting “eat her!  Eat her!” while Jonah tries helplessly to convince them that’s wrong.

[enbyvee]

do you have an kitenny hcs??? I have a need

     Okay, so, admittedly, despite me saying that we need more Kitenny around here, I haven’t actually thought about them in-depth all that much. I’ll do my best, though!!

So, Kenny first hears about Human Kite via rumors going around that there’s a new vigilante on the rise, which does pique his interest a bit.

Eventually, stuff is actually printed about him and Kenny learns this new vigilante’s name: Human Kite.

It makes him snort.

Human Kite is a pretty dumb name.

But he hears stories about what this hero can do, like fly, shoot laser beams from his eyes, control the wind…who knows what else?

And, yeah, he can’t deny that it’s cool.

It is cool.

Laser eyes sound fucking awesome.

And even Mysterion can’t fly.

Yet while everyone around him is gushing about this new superhero in a manner not unlike the way they all initially reacted to Mysterion, he keeps his interest mostly to himself. He wants to meet Human Kite and gauge what he’s all about for himself.

What’s he up to? Is he in it for the fame and recognition, or does he actually want to help people?

It’s inevitable that they’ll cross paths with one another eventually, he feels.

Except he imagines that this will happen during the times he’s running around as Mysterion, but that’s not the case.

They first meet because Kenny winds up getting fatally injured while walking home from work. I don’t know how, but either way, he’s lying there and bleeding profusely. This is nothing new and, of course, it’s not going to matter in the end - he’ll just wake up in his bed death finally claims him.

He shuts his eyes and waits for that to happen.

Except it doesn’t because, surprise, Human Kite swoops down next to him and heals him.

Kenny doesn’t die, but he also lost a lot of blood and doesn’t really remember clearly anything that follows due to him teetering in and out of consciousness.

And when he wakes up in his bed the following morning, he thinks that maybe he did wind up dying, but…no, he’s not wearing the clothes he was in whenever he died. That’s how it always is, so therefore, he didn’t die, which means Human Kite really did save him.

Human Kite also carried him home.

And put him in bed.

And dressed him up in clothes that weren’t a bloody mess.

That’s nice of him.

A part of him wonders how Human Kite even knew where he lived, much less where his room is. Did he tell him? He might have told him. He can’t remember.

He’s annoyed that he can’t remember.

But he’s definitely eager to meet him again. Preferably not when he’s bleeding out next time, though.

[kylebarf]

                       general .

NAME: Kyle Broflovski NICKNAME: Ky, Jewboy, Kyley-B AGE: Depends on verse SPECIES: Human

              personal .

MORALITY: lawful / neutral / chaotic / good / neutral / evil / true RELIGIOUS BELIEF: Kyle is Jewish, and believes in god. Even so, he isn’t much religious, and often ignores his religion’s traits (such as that not kosher food is forbidden, etc). Although he saw Jesus, Satan, and demons during his childhood, he still refuses to believe Jesus and hell are real, sticking to Judaism. SINS: greed / gluttony / sloth / lust / pride / envy / wrath VIRTUES: chastity / charity / diligence / humility / kindness / patience / temperance PRIMARY GOALS IN LIFE: Becoming a doctor and finding a cure to his weak immune system, as well helping out others with that. Making his mom proud as well by his intelligence and studying (in which she isn’t easily impressed). LANGUAGES  KNOWN: English, Marklar, Pig-Latin, a little Hebrew due to religion. SECRETS: Prefers to never mention that it’s his fault that Canada got blown up (Everone went to blame the president except his friends). His sexuality. SAVVIES: Diving + swimming, basketball, archery, how to use a knife, playing guitar, computer skills (hacking even, etc), meaningful speeches.

              physical .

BUILD: scrawny / slender / toned / athletic / curvy / herculean / pudgy / average HEIGHT: 5′4″ HAIR: Dark red, full of curls, big and fluffy SCARS / BIRTHMARKS: Probably scars from few previous unpleasant adventures he went through in the past in that town. ABILITIES / POWERS: Good fighter, knows how to kick. As human kite, can shoot laser eyes. As anything else, usually uses weapons when needed (such as a bow, knife, etc) RESTRICTIONS: His health is very poor, causing the boy to get easily sick from lot of things. Although he’s quite strong, and his will & anger is even stronger which help him in a fight, he takes hits hard due to his low defense. 

           favourites .

FOOD: Fast food, jewish food, nothing too sweet because of his diabetes. DRINK: Juices, coffee PIZZA TOPPING: Pepperoni COLOURS: Green MUSIC GENRE: Remixes & dubstep, guitar & classic music BOOK GENRE: Science Fiction, Mystery MOVIE GENRE: Comedy,  Science Fiction , Fantasy. Nothing horror. SEASON: Summer CURSE WORD: He swears A LOT. I honestly don’t know what he uses the most. SCENT(S): Hair gel, coffee (sometimes).

         fun stuff .

HALF  EMPTY  OR  HALF  FULL?: Half empty. SINGS IN THE SHOWER: Only when he’s in love (sings so bad about the one he likes sosoembarassing ) LIKES BAD PUNS: He used to like them, now he does less.

TAGGED BY: @hades-hell-yep ! TAGGING: Y o u !

[badbackgroundscience]

The “X” stands for "Hope”...I mean “Extra”

You can only have so many superhero origin stories before you just give up and say, “I don’t know, just make them born with it. Make ‘em all born with it.” That’s how the Marvel Universe got the X-Men: Stan Lee got lazy. But out of said laziness we did get some cool characters. 

Not in X-Men #1, but eventually.

In the franchise’s premiere issue Charles Xavier is a curt, commanding ‘professor’ (He does no teaching this issue - just runs a training session he calls ‘class’). The 4 male ‘students’ are all immature (There’s an obvious attempt to replicate the Torch/Thing relationship with Iceman and Beast that fails miserably) and lecherous harrassers of Jean Grey the moment she enters the building. Newcomer Jean has apparent control of her telekinetic powers but does almost nothing in the fight against Magneto - even less than the amount of effort Sue puts into the Fantastic Four’s battles. 

Anyone wanting to read this comic should skip the pages that take place in the mansion. They’re rubbish. But this blog isn’t about reviewing the quality of a comic’s characters and plot - it’s about SCIENCE!

As with any comic featuring superheroes with superpowers*, there are going to be a lot of liberties taken with scientific accuracy whenever said powers are used. One of the more obvious violations featured in this comic concerns Iceman (who looks more like Snowman**) whenever he spontaneously generates ice out of nowhere.

Another is that Cyclops (called “Slim Summers”, not Scott) doesn’t break his neck every time he shoots anyone with his lasereyes.

Cyclops’s red “energy ray” is only ever referred to as such - my use of ‘lazereyes’ is facetious - but later on in the canon his eyes emit ‘force’ beams. (Force and energy are related, but not the same, physics concept.) The issue doesn’t specify what kind of energy the ray is supposed to be, but it could simply be electromagnetic radiation (i.e. light). Light’s energy is directly related to its wavelength, which in the visible band of the electromagnetic spectrum has a corresponding color. Red light would have the lowest energy, violet the highest. As for any kind of pushing force, light does exert a tiny amount of force on any object its photons hit, but it’s not enough umph to embed a large man in a wall. 

Solar radiation exerts a whopping 9.08 microNewtons of force per square meter (~1.3 billionths of a pound per square inch) on the side of Earth facing the Sun.*** As tiny and seemingly insignificant as this seems, it’s not zero, which means we can use it to our advantage. Just like sails are used on boats to catch wind and push you in the direction you want to go, spacecrafts can be equipped with “solar sails” to use sunlight to accelerate them toward their desired destination. Back in 2010, the first satellite (mainly) powered by a solar sail launched, named IKAROS (Interplanetary Kite-craft Accelerated by Radiation Of the Sun). The square sail has a 20-meter (~66 ft) diagonal and is 7.5 mm (~0.3 in) thick. IKAROS is currently incommunicado - in 2015 it was reportedly 110 km from Earth and in a 10-month orbit around the Sun.

There aren’t any other working satellites propelled by solar sails, but research toward using them is ongoing - the Planetary Society (co-founded by Carl Sagan and currently CEOed by Bill Nye) raised 1.24 million dollars through Kickstarter to fund their LightSail project, and is aiming for a 2017 launch.

Solar sails by themselves aren’t the best propulsion method for most space missions, because the force generated by the Sun’s photons is so tiny that the spacecraft doesn’t reach significantly quick velocities until a long time into the mission. 

Theoretically, we could increase the rate of acceleration by pointing lasers at the sail. You may have heard about the “Breakthrough Starshot” project announced last year - a Russian entrepreneur gave 100 million dollars toward researching how to send a ‘nanocraft’ to the Alpha Centauri system within a human lifetime.**** That project wants to use 100-gigawatt laser pulses to propel the craft up to about 20% the speed of light. (Unfortunately, the craft won’t have the means to brake, so it’ll only be able to take data for a short period of time, send it back, and then continue on into the void of space, never to be heard from again.) The estimated cost to run the laser array is a trillion dollars, unless the price per watt drops dramatically as technology marches on. So it may ultimately be unfeasible, but it’s great to see someone’s trying.

Cyclops, of course, does not use his optic blasts to accelerate spacecraft toward our next-door stellar neighborhood. He uses them to fight bad guys. But I’ve gotten way off topic from the “neck breaking” bit. According to Newton’s 3rd law of motion, forces come in equal and opposite pairs. So the force large enough to shove Beast into the wall matches the force pushing back on Scott’s eyeballs.

But let’s move on...

The comic actually opens with a training session, interrupted by the arrival of Jean Grey. She shows off her powers of “teleportation” (Yes, that’s the word she uses. Etymologically, tele- means "at or to a distance" (Greek) and port comes from the French for “carry”. So in a way, she’s not wrong. However, the word was coined to mean “carrying an object from one point to another without traversing the distance between the two”, long before 1963.) by moving a chair and a book. Very impressive.

After Beast physically assaults her and she spins him around midair for a while as punishment, Professor X informs us that evil mutants exist - ones that want to destroy humans and rule the Earth in their place. We then cut to said evil mutant of the week - the master of magnetism (No, not that one), Magneto.

Magneto takes control of a military base by forcing their recently-launched rocket to crash, making their large machine guns fire on their own, and driving their tanks with his mind. He then writes a note with magnetized “dust particles” ordering a surrender.

Dust is generally made from ‘nonmagnetic’ materials - soil, organic fibers, human skin cells, etc. Not iron filings. Therefore, you might be quick to say you can’t magnetize dust. But I’m going to stop you before you can.

Most of the atoms we interact with have negatively-charged electrons buzzing around in fuzzy yet defined orbitals. Any moving charged particle creates its own tiny magnetic field, but in most substances the electrons are distributed such that the electric charges and magnetic fields cancel each other out and the object as a whole is neutral and ‘nonmagnetic’. In the presence of an external magnetic field (in our case - one generated by Magneto), the electrons continue to buzz around in their orbitals, but change their overall positions to oppose this field. The object becomes very, very slightly repulsed from the magnetic field. Because the effect (called diamagnetism) is so small***** it’s rarely noticed. But under certain circumstances - extremely low temperatures and/or a very strong external magnetic field - traditionally ‘nonmagnetic’ objects can be noticeably pushed. Including frogs.

It probably took Magneto years of practice to make fields that could levitate diamagnetic objects into the shapes of different letters all at once (and different fonts at once - I see that cursive signature), and it may have been easier for him to use all the metal around him to bend into his message instead, but he didn’t make a science flub.

He did make one when he threw a bunch of humans out of his way, though.

Diamagnetic materials are always repulsed by an external magnetic field. He doesn’t need to reverse his polarity to repel them. (As for the “nothing can touch me” line, assuming he’s generating a powerful enough field to repel giant sacks of mostly water, it’s merely exaggeration. Something with enough momentum could hit him, but I’ve got no numbers to work with so I can’t say exactly what. Maybe the Hulk.)

Xavier gets his ‘students’ together and sends them to the military base. Scott Slim starts the battle off by violating Newton’s 3rd law, again (Also, ignore his speech bubble - his beam is no more natural than Magneto’s field).

Magneto launches a set of heat-seeking missiles (which somehow only target Angel); Iceman throws some “ice grenades” at them and all but one crash sans explosion. Beast catches the last with his feet, and Jean sends it into the nearby body of water. Magneto then tries sliding over a flaming container of rocket fuel, and the team is somehow saved from the massive explosion by an “igloo shield”. Our baddie then levitates himself away to reappear in three issues.

The comic ends with an officer promising the name X-Men “will be the most honored in [his] command”, an excellently terrible prediction for how regular humans are going to treat mutants in the Marvel ‘Verse.

*Money is not a superpower. Batman is not a superhero. You heard me. (Although, that doesn’t mean Batman can’t also break the laws of physics. Just less obviously.)

** 

*** This is assuming all light that strikes the Earth is reflected, not absorbed (which is obviously not true). If all light were absorbed it’d be half this value. 

The force would be larger if the object being struck were closer, because the photons are are less spread out. It would also be larger if there were a giant magnifying glass floating out in space that could re-concentrate the light and focus it onto a smaller point. Assuming 100% reflection, the total amount of force exerted by the Sun’s light on the day half of Earth is 1.16 billion Newtons, more than the equivalent weight of the heaviest train on record - 99,734 tons. You wouldn’t want that sitting on your chest...

**** Unlike the crafts currently heading out of our Solar System, which would take tens of thousands of years assuming they were going in the right direction.

***** And in some materials, the arrangement of the electrons is such that there’s an additional attractive force (either paramagnetism or ferromagnetism). This attractive force is always stronger than the repulsive one, creating what we traditionally call ‘magnetic’ materials.

I’ve previously talked about diamagnetic materials in two other posts.

X-Men #1 - Writer: Stan Lee, Art: Jack Kirby, Ink: Paul Reinman

Photo Credits:

IKAROS (artist’s concept) from http://www.isas.jaxa.jp/en/missions/spacecraft/current/ikaros.html

LightSail 2: Jason Davis / The Planetary Society, Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.

[Edit: Thanks to @aeliasen for pointing out a math error. And a typo.]