#human Perryshmirtz

[hyperref-lex-ia]

my fiancé and i are going to a convention this weekend as doof and perry because they love me and im so excited

[mammalsofaction]

A/N: Whoops, this came out a little more angsty than I originally planned.

Perry hates having to go to HQ.

Oh, he's got nothing against the building itself, and his relationship with most of his coworkers is fairly amicable. Perry just hates having to go there, since he generally prefers spending his free time (spare enough as it were) around family, and other assorted loved ones. There's almost nothing he needs to do at HQ that he couldn't fulfil in the lair beneath his house, or the office in his room, anyway. And shit always, always goes down when he has to spend more than 5 consecutive hours in his assigned office cubicle.

Of course, they key word to the first statement was "almost."

And predictably, the aforementioned shit he was waiting for strolls into his space half an hour past lunchbreak, slapping a couple of polaroids on top of his desk by his elbow.

Pinky waits patiently for Perry to give a damn, and Perry looks up warily when Pinky Garcia-Shapiro stays suspiciously quiet for a whole minute. Pinky gestures to the photos, and Perry takes a look, goes back to his computer, before realization hits him upside the head like a steel pole and shoves itself down the back of his spine, sitting him ramrod straight in his crappy office chair as he picks the first photo off the top of the deck.

Pinky's waiting with his eyebrows raised when Perry swirls around to face him fully. It's not what it looks like, Perry signs, and flinches when the look he receives in return is less than impressed.

Does that matter? Pinky signs sharply in return, instead of speaking aloud, which was the biggest sign if ever that Perry's not only screwed up, but he's screwed up bad. It meant that they're keeping this conversation on the down lower than low, and he owes his Pinky big time. Clint found these on the carnival security footage two days ago, and I had to talk him down from reporting to HR. I made sure he knows you owe him your life, and then some. Pinky continues, uncharacteristically serious. It's the most off-putting thing in this entire scenario. He's not Carl, Perry, not every intern in this company's all too happy about keeping their mouths shut about your goddamned crush. You took him to the pop shop? What were you thinking?

I was thinking it was an accident. And it was barely a date. Perry retorts sharply, hands stuttering on that last little tidbit. Wait, screw that, it wasn't a date at all. We were just-we were technically stalking Vanessa on her outing-

I'm not the goddamned Colonel, Perry. Pinky interrupts sharply, slicing his hand through the air. You don't have to make your excuses to me. It doesn't matter what it was, unless you're standing by Francis' desk when he has to answer for the shit leaking up the grapevine. It matters how it looks like. Perry, you don't need me to tell you to be-to be careful.

Perry grunts, slumping into the back of his chair, hands slapped over his eyes as he attempts to calm himself down. I know, he signs, one handed. I know, Pinky, I'm sorry. Thank you.

And he is sorry. He is as much grateful that Pinky caught it first, being the Chief of OWCA's digital security division, as well as that he had enough weight to throw around to stop these photos from leaking onto Francis' desk. Pinky didn't have to, but of course he did, because they were friends, and Pinky cared about him.

These last few years have been...hard. Harder, knowing Heinz was getting so ready to hang up his labcoat (at least in the evil sense of the word), a growth in character proportional to this terrifying, unnameable thing growing between them, full of weight and wonder and meaning.

It's made him reckless. And everyday that passes them by without having Heinz in his arms, it's getting harder and harder for Perry to remember why that's a bad thing.

Pinky sighs, squeezing his shoulder. "Hey," he says, out loud this time, so that Perry takes his hand off of his eyes to peek. "On the plus side, I've never seen the guy look so happy."

Perry feels his ears burning in embarrassment, and Pinky laughs, low and sincere.

"You guys look cute together." Pinky teases, and laughs when Perry swats at him, shoo-ing him out of the cubicle. He does leave, eventually, and Perry knows he owes the man lunch for at least the next two weeks, and taking over his next spare mission, at least.

He leaves the photos behind, and Perry picks them up, his hand reaching for the lighter he keeps on his lowest desk drawer to burn them over his wastepaper basket. They are likely the very last trace of such damning evidence of Perry's...Perry's fraternizing, too risky to keep around, and he has to burn them. He has to.

Heinz was caught laughing, in one of them, his hair ashen-grey around the edges from the debris of his latest failed Inator, but there was no sign of bitterness and regret in his features. Perry remembers how the wrinkles by his eyes had started to curl down his cheeks, like paper folded down the same joy-filled routes. Laugh lines. The photo could not capture the light in his eyes then; The setting sun had painted the slant of the pier a blood orange, but looking into Heinz's darling blue eyes was like looking into an eternal summer, evergreen.

They shared one drink, because Perry wasn't hungry, but Heinz wanted something sweet, and there wasn't anything Heinz wanted Perry didn't want to pay for. The two straws were a compromise, and the bartender had given them both a sly, knowing look Heinz had not understood, but Perry had. It took him hours to cool down the blush from his cheeks.

Heinz had called him cute.

In another photo, their heads are bent together, conspiring over Vanessa's love life, and Perry does not mistake their fingertips over the tabletop, his palms curling over the back of Heinz's own.

I've never seen the guy look so happy.

Damnit.

DAMNIT.

Fuck. Damn. Shit.

Perry throws the lighter back into its drawer with a vengeance, clutching the stack of photos like a lifeline. He slumps over his desk, burying his face into the crook of elbow to muffle a frustrated scream. Is this really how he was going to repay Pinky's concern? By shutting his eyes and spelling out his own doom, tucking the evidence of his own sins into his fucking wallet? Was he stupid?

(Is Heinz worth it?)

Yes, Perry knows, because the one person Perry could never rightly lie to was himself. Yes, he is.

I got the inspiration from this post

[digitalmyyth]

Well

[leathr-blr]

human perry idea

would gladly read this fic

[echoes-of-the-unknown]

Happy wedding day!!!

Clear of text below the cut

[askhumanperrytheplatypus]

[cronchingsquips]

sorry for hiatus, classes are finally over. i am free.

here’s an absurd amount of perryshmirtz i’ve cumulated over the past month *throws to you like wild animals*

[agentlizardofowca]

"Bubbles"

May I get a drabble about Perry having to kiss Heinz to either protect his identity or just keep Heinz quiet?

Thanks for reading! Feel free to delete for whatever reason ♡

Hiiiii, Thanks for the nice asks and thank you for your patience. That time Perry and Doofenshmirtz bumped into Major Monogram and Carl in the supermarket was bad enough. Now, imagine Perry’s frustration when Heinz dragged him along to the supermarket again, this time to buy nougat and toothpaste. He was just minding his own business, trying to convince Heinz to buy a nicer shampoo than the cheapest one, and reading the ingredients on a bottle when a very familiar voice rang out behind him.

“Perry?” 

It was Linda.

Perry turned, lightning-quick, and came face to face with Linda and Candace, who were looking at him in surprise. 

“Hi.” She continued, eyeing him up and down in his work outfit. “My, don’t you look professional today.” 

He barely had enough time to do a nervous little wave before Heinz caught on to the conversation behind him, and he turned.

“Perry? Do you know these people?” Heinz asked, and Perry turned to him vaguely aware that he was PANICKING. NOT GOOD. HEINZ AND FAMILY. BAD. VERY BAD.

“Hello?” Linda said politely. “Do you know Perry?” 

Candace hadn’t seemed interested in the situation initially, but her uncle didn’t seem to know anybody. Him being in the supermarket with a stranger was perhaps the most exciting thing Perry had ever done in his miserable and boring life.

“Do I know Perry?” Heinz repeated thoughtfully, unaware that his nemesis had stopped breathing. “Yeah, of course I do.”

“Oh, well. Nice to meet you,” Linda said, extending one hand for Heinz to shake. “Although.” She looked at Heinz curiously. “Have we met before?”

Heinz accepted the gesture and shook Linda’s hand. “I have to be super honest with you. I am horrible with faces.” He explained. “I even forget Perry’s face sometimes. Only very rarely! But it has happened once or twice.

Despite his shock, Perry couldn’t help but crack a little smile. One of twice, his secretive ass.

“And how do you know Perry?” Linda asked conversationally, but she and her daughter both had matching curious expressions.

“Oh, you know,” Heinz explained happily, not aware that was was about to ruin Perry’s life forever. “Perry the Platypus is my secret-” Agent. The next word was going to be agent, Perry realized. He had to do something and he had to do something NOW! There was no time for a plan, he had to act. So, Perry prepared himself and followed his instincts.

Perry jolted as he suddenly sprang to action as if he had been shocked by a bolt of lightning. With both hands, he grabbed Heinz’s face, pulled him down to his level and firmly and confidently smushed their mouths together right there in the middle of the super food stuff mart.

In a sudden wave of clarity, Perry remembered that sometimes INSTINCT. BAD. Like right now. There he was, mouth to mouth with his nemesis with no further plan. He could release Heinz, but then there would be many, many questions from Candace, Linda AND HEINZ.

So, since his instinct got him into this mess, his instinct could get him out.

Still kissing, Perry dragged Heinz around the corner to the next aisle, leaving Candace and Linda right there. 

Stupified, they watched him go.

Over in the deodorant aisle, Perry released Heinz’s lips with a smack and placed him upright as Heinz stammered and stumbled, too confused by everything to speak coherently.

“I- eeh? Oh? Uh! aa.” He exclaimed.

Perry took Heinz by his slanted shoulders and shook him lightly.

“This is the weirdest dream I’ve had since that time I dreamt a tiny alien force-fed me watermelons. No. Wait. This is still stranger. Perry the platypus what was that about?!”

At least Heinz seemed to be coming back to his senses. Perry, unsure of how to explain, dug through his pockets and pulled out a pamphlet with the title “So you’ve found out your uncle is a secret agent. What now?” and pushed it into Heinz’s hand. 「Read that.」And off he went, back to the toothpaste aisle.

Linda and Candace were exactly where he had left them. Their mouths were still vaguely open in shock.

Perry smiled as innocently as he could as he jogged up to them. 「Whoopie」 He gestured at them.

Linda stared at his hands and blinked. “Whoopsie?” she repeated.

“What did you just do?!” Candace shouted. “And with him!” she gestured at the end of the aisle, where he had dragged Doof off to.

「Couldn’t help myself.」 Perry replied hysterically. 「What a stud, right?」

“... Right,” Linda replied, confused but supportive.

“NO!” Candace replied, because she was 15, always honest, and convinced something was wrong with Perry.

「Got to go!」Before he left, he grabbed a tube of toothpaste, and then he ran. Luckily for him, they didn’t even try to follow him.

Heinz was still busy reading the pamphlet when Perry returned and snatched it back. He presented him with the toothpaste, forced him into the next aisle, and refused to explain anything.

By the time he returned home to the Flynn-Fletcher residency, Perry was exhausted. But when he stepped into the kitchen he came face to face with Lawrence and Linda, who seemed to have been waiting for him.

“Oh, there you are Perry,” Linda said, and she turned to him. “Me and Lawrence are a bit worried about you.”

[hyperref-lex-ia]

Hello, I have thought of a few more things to add to this list.

6) Knowing ASL as a spy could be useful in cases where blending in or seeming inconspicuous is needed. No one suspects people who sign to be a danger because of the ableism ingrained from birth in a lot of societies. Have Perry start signing at someone as a way to act dumb (it’s a great way to get out of unwanted situations, speaking from experience (also not saying signing = dumb, but unfortunately those two are equated in a lot of minds))

7) Having Perry teach kids important signs would be a cute interaction. I work with kids and in my experience they are always eager to learn ASL stuff and use what they do learn with me frequently. Also there have been moments this has helped kids who also struggle with speaking for me so that could be cute.

8) In my experience, using TTS can make connecting emotionally a lot harder than using sign. If you’re having an emotional scene and have been utilizing TTS, maybe place someone there to translate ASL like Doof or one of the kids to make more of an impact. Might not be a big difference to those who aren’t mute or deaf, but personally I would love to see it.

9) I can’t scream, my laugh is quiet most of the time, I oftentimes can’t hum. These are all things that vary person to person but should be considered. If you make Perry able to scream or hum makes sure to keep it that way consistently unless there’s a reason to change it (panic attack, tired of masking, etc)

10) If Perry is traveling the sign language in the place he’s going may change, taking away his primary communication method. A lot of interesting things could be done here.

Thank you for reading, and thank you fic writers for writing! Y’all are pillars of the community!

Dear Human Perry Writers

I am a real life mute person, so take some tips from me about writing Perry as a mute man.

1) Having Perry use sign is great, having Perry sign at people who don’t know sign and just confuse them and then not do anything to help remedy that/laugh at it is not the way to go. It is extremely frustrating wanting to say something and not being able to, obviously there’s lot’s of times things i wanna day have to go unsaid, but some things are too important, especially when you are literally a spy.

2) Not enough of y’all are utilizing the beauty of modern technology. I see so many people have Perry write stuff that’s such a waste of paper. Text To Speech apps are a beautiful thing.

3) When you are mute you get mistaken for deaf A LOT. This is more personal but I would love to see some scenes of Perry getting mistaken for deaf and his reaction to that.

4) If you wanna make a comment on capitalism for any reason a lot of TTS apps have unskippable ads that are quite long. Another personal thing but having Perry deal with ads while trying to communicate would be realistic and relatable.

5) Last thing, and not a requirement but I think it would be cool, Perry is very autistic coded so I think having him be nonverbal autistic instead of having trauma induced mutism would be neat. Or even a mix of the two (me for real)

As always thank you fic writers for everything you do! This is purely to help not to judge or be rude i prommy.

[chio-chan2artbox]

Desperate measures :v

Inspired by @agentlizardofowca‘s draddle ✨

READ HERE

[rarashipscartoon]

Human Perry! Still need to figure out better his design, but I like what I have so far

[msmimundo]

Probably the only human Perry you'll see me do

[leathr-blr]

i forgot doof’s hat ik but be nice 2 me

[echoes-of-the-unknown]

I felt compelled to draw this with human! Perry

[raitobaker]

They got me in a chokehold

[cronchingsquips]

May I request Doofenshmirtz and Perry slow dancing?

squishes them