#hozier's music is very comforting to the level of ''wait i actually do have to do a shit load of stuff to do today i forgot''

[why-the-heck-not]

listening to hozier and forgetting to stress about the mountain of things i need to do

[stargazer-writing]

The emotions I get from each "Unreal Unearth" song

I was thinking about this and I wanted to talk about how all these songs have been making me feel because there's such a spectrum of emotion tied with each of these and I've very into analyzing the emotional response to music.

And just to put it out there, this is solely based on the images and feelings I've gotten from these. It's not related to the meaning Hozier has actually tied to them. Some of them overlap but some don't. This is just my personal vibes.

De Selby Pt. 1: This soft quiet feeling like when you stand out in the fog in the early morning and everything is still and soft and cool before the day begins. But also a tension of waiting for something to emerge from that fog.

De Selby Pt. 2: It feels like driving at night in a crowded city or being in the middle of a club dance floor, like the singularity of being one among many in a hedonistic world and feeling both a part of it and not, like having an existential crisis in the middle of a party.

First Time: Dancing in the kitchen with someone you've reached comfortability with, that feeling of safety and ease of being in a space you know with someone you love. There's a hint that the feeling might not last but in that moment it is there and it is beautiful.

Francesca: Angry, defiant love of caring for someone in the middle of the worst of it. The "on purpose, I'm going to love you on purpose" and screaming at someone that they are loved but also the softness of the fondness that comes with it. It's begging and crying but hugging and loving and the juxtaposition of the pain that comes with caring for someone so openly.

I, Carrion (Icarian): Sitting outside in the warm sunlight, gentle breeze, grass on your feet and fingers watching a bird free-wheeling in the sky above you. It's soft and sweet and gentle.

Eat Your Young: That slow-burning, tongue-in-cheek frustration and anger of living in a society trying to kill you and choosing to spit that hate right back in their faces. Like going out with a bang cause a phoenix rises from the ashes and you'll live again at the end of it all.

Damage Gets Done: The feeling of wild and reckless happiness being with your friends. Like when you would run around as a child with others getting into trouble, especially outside in the summer when you knew you had nothing you had to do and no where to be the next day and you could just be.

Who We Are: Like a sadder version of "Francesca," knowing you can't change who you are and what makes you you and holding onto that as much as you can even when it hurts you. If "Francesca" is summer and strength and force, "Who We Are" is fall and caresses and longing for parts of yourself or parts of someone else that make up parts of you.

Son of Nyx: Like floating, flying through air and swimming through water, there's a flow to it that makes you feel weightless. It feels timeless yet old and, as intended, a mixture of all these other emotions.

All Things End: Sitting against a wall in your home, all alone, having some kind of religious experience or epiphany at like 3:12 in the afternoon and the feeling in your chest when something moves you so profoundly that you can almost feel it change you on a fundamental level.

To Someone From A Warm Climate (Uiscefhuaraithe): Kind of talked about this here, but the feeling of realizing how small you are in the grand scheme of the universe, especially when looking at the night sky, and yet knowing that everyone is just as small as you and there's a comfort and familiarity in being small together.

Butchered Tongue: Feeling nostalgia in a place you're not from because everyone is really the same deep down and humans are and always will be human in the way that you see yourself in every stranger on the street no matter where you are.

Anything But: Having a grand old time out of sheer spite. Giving someone the middle finger while telling them to have a nice day. The manic energy of suddenly wanting to do everything and anything just to move and feel something. Willingly saying "fuck it" and choosing to be happy whether they like it or not.

Abstract (Psychopomp): Melancholy, like cold winter weather when it's not snowing but will soon, watching gray clouds gathering in the distance and everything is quiet around you. This numb feeling of not being depressed exactly but going through the paces while everything around you is both beautiful and bare and longing for comfort from something warm.

Unknown/Nth: The love and sadness you feel for someone who you don't talk to and were once close with but aren't anymore. Catharsis of imagining all the things you'd say to them if you saw them again but won't. Missing someone who knew you so well once that not having them around is like losing a piece of your being.

First Light: Standing in the middle of downpour and letting it metaphorically wash away your trauma, the cleansing power of rain, making the conscious, freeing decision to be free of old hurts and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after a long time in darkness and sprinting toward it.

[artificialqueens]

White Noise (What an Awful Sound) Ch.2 (Crystal/Gigi) - Meta

A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed the first chapter! I’ve been having a lot of fun writing it. Please leave any feedback/opinions/suggests you have, I love reading what people think about my work! :)

“Gigi, breakfast is ready!” The sound of her mother’s voice woke Gigi up. She rolled over to check the time on her phone, 9 am. Ugh, who the hell wakes up this early on a Sunday? Her parents must really be laying into the new “suburban” lifestyle. Breakfast together early every morning, family dinners. Oh maybe they’ll even have movie night! Gigi ignored all the texts she’d received from her friends back home while she was asleep, rolling herself out of bed and walking to the bathroom. She rummaged around in the box labeled “Gigi’s Toiletries” in her mom’s beautiful cursive. Pulling out her face wash and moisturizer before turning to the sink where her toothbrush rested from the night before.

Once back in her room Gigi picked out an outfit for the day. Scanning through the clothes she’d already put away in her closet, she decided on a long, pale green skirt that had a small slit revealing some of her left leg and just a cropped white shirt. Gigi gave herself a quick once over before rushing downstairs.

“My god, would you look at that. Sleeping Beauty has finally joined the rest of the living.” Gigi’s dad said. He was sitting at their dining table sipping coffee out of a mug and scrolling on his phone. Gigi was willing to bet all of her savings he was looking at Facebook. These damn 40’s somethings, always on their goddamn phones. Just shameful.

“There’s so evidence to prove I’m not sleep walking right now.’’ She said, taking a seat next to her father.

“You washed your face, brushed your teeth, and got dressed.” Gigi’s mother replied, poking her head out of the kitchen.

“Right…so what’s for breakfast?” She eyed her father’s plate but he had already eaten what was on it.

“Cereal for you since you decided to take so long.”

“Paul stop it,” Her mom hit his arm playfully before putting a plate of waffles in front of Gigi, “apparently, your father’s version of unpacking the kitchen is only taking out the waffle iron.”

“Hate to say it but I’m not surprised.” Gigi said.

“I am shocked and appalled by how little you two think of me, really. Just wow.” He replied, feigning hurt. Gigi’s dad stood from the table, taking his plate into the kitchen and placing it in the sink. He whispered a small ‘thank you’ before pulling Gigi’s mom in for a kiss. The teen just ignored her parents, public displays of affection were normal in their house. Gigi had a theory that her father was so affectionate to make up for how much time he spent at work back in LA, always hugging, kissing, or holding her mother’s hand just to let her know he’s still there.

“Anyway, Gigi honey, your father and I need to go to the store and get some things for the house. Do you want to come with us?” Gigi just shook her head, she could use this time to unpack her room some more. “Okay, well we should be home before 4. Please don’t forget, we’re going over to have dinner with the Methyd’s at 5.”

“I will be ready, promise.”

Her parents made their way out the front door, her mom yelling something about wearing a jacket if she left the house. Please, like Gigi was gonna leave the house. Where would she go? To hang out with all her friends here in Missouri? No Gigi was going to go back upstairs and unpack her room. She hated living out of boxes, even if it had only been a day. Back home she waited until the very last second to pack up all her things. Nicky, her best friend, had told her to ‘stop stalling and pack your shit already’ to which Gigi argued that she hadn’t been. Now she was willing to admit Nicky had been right. Just because she refused to throw some random crap she’d had all her life into a box didn’t change the fact that the ‘For Sale’ sign outside her house was real. But now Gigi was ready to settle into her new room.

About an hour later Gigi had made good progress on her room. She’d just finished organizing her books when she heard a crash followed by a lot of expletives that she was glad her parents weren’t around to hear. Gigi walked over to her window, trying to see what was going on. She chuckled to herself as she watched Crystal struggle with an easel on her porch. “Oh my god she’s losing a fight to a fucking easel.” Gigi said, slipping on a pair of white sandals before running downstairs and out the front door. She made her away across the street, still smiling at the sight.

“Want some help?” She asked, finally reaching the other girl.

“Jesus, fuck. You were not supposed to see this.” Crystal laughed. She ran a hand through her curls before looking up at Gigi, a fake pout painted across her face. She is way too adorable for her own good, holy shit.

“Well, too bad.” Gigi said. She bent over and started picking all the art supplies that, she guessed, had been knocked over during the struggle.

“I can’t get it to stand up. I don’t know what’s wrong, it was fine up in my room.” Crystal sighed, giving up and letting it drop to the floor. Gigi nodded.

“Okay, well how many times did you let it do that?” She joked.

“I-I may have dropped it three times while dragging it down the stairs, yeah.”

“I think I may know what your problem is.” She said.

“Wow, you know I am so glad Missouri has someone of your intelligence level living in it now. If it wasn’t for you I would still be fighting for my life against that thing.” Crystal pointed in disgust towards where the easel lay on the porch. Gigi just laughed in response. A silence fell over the girls. To Gigi’s surprise, for one of the only few times in her life, it wasn’t an awkward silence. Crystal wasn’t expecting a response from her, instead she turned her attention to focus on organizing her paints.

“Uh, okay, I, um, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out today?” Gigi shifted in her spot, running a hand awkwardly through her hair. Crystal raised her eyebrows and smiled.

“Actually, I’m just not entirely sure I can handle a full day with you,” Crystal said. Gigi’s eyebrows furrowed, “I mean you just have such an overpowering personality.”

“Right, yeah, I’ve heard that about myself many times.” Gigi nodded in relief.  Just as she finished talking Crystal phone vibrated, she pulled it out of her back pocket to check the notification.

“Well Ms. Gigi Goode, you’re in luck. My friend Lux just asked me to go thrifting with her. Wanna come?” Crystal stood up and walked closer to Gigi. She bit her lip while waiting for the brunette’s response.

“Oh um, yeah sure. I’d love to.” Gigi said. In that moment she was positive she would’ve said yes no matter what Crystal invited her to.

Crystal ran inside to grab the keys to her car and say bye to her mom before dashing back to Gigi and grabbing her hand, “Okay let’s go.” She pulled Gigi toward her car, her skin burning where they’d made contact. Crystal’s car was very old and a horrendous mustard color but she loved it because it got her away from her parents. She was the only one in her friend group with a car, which meant all her friends loved it too. Gigi had to admit, Crystal was not a very good driver. She was always just a little bit too far over the speed limit for comfort and drove with her left leg up on the seat. They drove in silence, well Gigi was silent. Crystal couldn’t help but sing along to every song that came on as they made their way in town to the thrift store. Crystal’s taste in music was definitely different from Gigi’s, playing songs from King Princess, Cage the Elephant, and Hozier, whereas Gigi was more of a pop girl. She basically played Dua Lipa on repeat 24/7. Sitting so close to Crystal while Cherry Wine played throughout the car made Gigi feel overwhelmed, she tried to slow her breath as she stared down at where their hands both rested on the console. She resisted the urge to intertwine their fingers together, missing the feeling from earlier. She studied the other girl’s fingers, the way they dance ever so slightly to the music, the chipped purple nail polish she wore. She had rings on almost all of her fingers.

“You okay?” Crystal asked, glancing at Gigi out of the corner of her eye. She looked like she was going to be sick. But as soon as Crystal spoke Gigi snapped out of it, smiling and peeling her eyes away from their hands to look up at Crystal.

“Yeah, just uh- never mind.” Gigi stopped herself from saying something stupid. She felt foolish, she hadn’t even known this girl for 24 hours and she already had the urge to profess her love to her. She didn’t even know if Crystal was gay. Well, actually that’s not true, she listened to King Princess and Lana Del Rey. The girl was definitely some flavor of gay. Plus nobody that dressed like that was straight.

“What? No, tell me!” Crystal pouted.

“It’s nothing. Just your music makes me feel like I’m in a coming-of-age movie or something.” Gigi said. She tried to fight off the blush creeping across her cheeks. Crystal just laughed, making Gigi regret she said it.

“I like to listen to this kind of music when alone or like painting. It makes me feel calm and inspired. Or like I’m gonna be the next great sapphic artist,” Well, shit, there it was. The confirmation Gigi needed to insure her gaydar wasn’t completely broken. She swallowed hard, not wanting to show any reaction. “I just need to find my muse.” Now it was Crystal who was stealing glances at their hands, moving her hand just close enough that she could feel the heat radiating from Gigi’s. Missing that same heat when she reluctantly pulled her hand away so she could pull into a parking spot.

The girls made their way into the small shop that was filled with very loud clothes. The way Crystal dressed suddenly all made sense. There were only three other people in the shop, they were all standing together loudly talking about how horrendous the huge bubble gum pink dress in front of them was.

“Oh thank fuck, finally. Crystal you have to try this on!” One of them said, grabbing the dress off the rack and running up to Crystal. She stopped and gave Gigi a confused, but welcoming look. The girl looked so much like a fairy, Gigi had to suppress the urge to ask her how Tinker Bell was.

“Hi, I’m Daya.” Another girl, the tallest in the group, came up to them and put her hand out for Gigi to shake.

“Gigi,” She said, taking her hand. Gigi couldn’t help but notice how pretty they all were. What the hell is in the Missouri water?

“That’s Lux,” Crystal said pointing to the small blonde who was being swallowed by all the fabric of the dress she was holding, “and that’s Daegan.” Crystal pointed to the girl who was standing next to Daya.

“I really like your hair.” Gigi said, looking at Daegan’s bright pink hair. She wished she could pull off a color like that but alas she was destined to have boring brown hair for the rest of her life.

“Oh, my god thank you.” Daegan said, “I like her, Crystal can we keep her?” She made puppy dog eyes toward the girl who just laughed.

“Excuse me, hello?!” Lux huffed from under the dress, “Can we get back to Crys trying this on please.” She whined.

“Holy shit, yeah babe you have to try it on.” Daya said pushing past Gigi and taking the dress from Lux. Gigi felt her heart drop into her stomach. Babe? Crystal had a girlfriend? Not just that but a fucking hot girlfriend? Ugh the homophobia of it all. Gigi just walked over to the nearest rack and started looking through all the clothes, trying to ignore the giggles coming from Crystal as Daya pushed her into a dressing room.

A few minutes later Crystal emerged from the dressing room, pulling the thick velvet curtain back dramatically. She walked confidently out into the middle of the store and spun around for all her friends to see.

“You’ve never looked better.” Daegan said as she pulled her phone out to take a video of Crystal dancing around like an idiot. Crystal curtsied and let out a ‘thank you’ in a horrible British accent.

“I think we found your prom dress!” Lux added jumping up and down like a little kid. Crystal made a disgusted face.

“I’m not going to prom, and even if I was, I would never wear a dress.” She put a finger in her mouth and pretended to throw up.

“Ugh not this again. Crystal Elizabeth Methyd you’re going to prom, you have to,” Daya crossed her arms and stared sternly at Crystal for a few seconds before giving up and turning to Gigi, “Tell her she has to go to prom.”

Gigi looked between the girls confused. What kind of power did they think she had over Crystal? They’d just met, you couldn’t even classify them as friends yet. Shouldn’t Daya be the one to convince Crystal, she’s the one that’s her girlfriend here not Gigi. “I-I’ve never been to prom before but I’m sure it’s really fun. My mom says everyone should go to at least one of their proms.”

Crystal rolled her eyes, “Your mom sounds like mine.” Why couldn’t her friends just leave it alone? She already told them a million times she wasn’t going, although the thought of seeing Gigi in a prom dress did intrigue her. Crystal turned around and walked back into the dressing room.

The girls stayed in the shop for a couple of hours, trying on ugly hats and way too big sunglasses, before Lux declared that they had to leave because she was hungry. Crystal bought three button up shirts, that Daegan said looked something her dad would wear, and a bright turquoise and pink windbreaker that Gigi’s mom definitely would have owned in the 90’s.

They all climbed into Crystal’s car, Daegan complaining that making her sit in the back was transphobia. Crystal just ignored her and opened the passenger door for Gigi. She felt awkward in the front, shouldn’t Daya be sitting here so they could hold hands or something? Gigi ignored her thoughts, enjoying the way Crystal’s perfume smelled.

Being in the car with Crystal’s friends was very different than being with just Crystal. Daegan immediately stole the AUX to play Megan Thee Stallion, Doja Cat, and Nicki Minaj while Lux complained that she wanted to listen to Grimes. Crystal just ignored them trying to focus on driving with all the yelling going on around her.

They had finally calmed down, Lux accepting that there was no chance in hell Daegan was changing the music for her, until the question of where to eat came up. Daya voted for Taco Bell while Daegan complained that they had Taco Bell last time. Lux suggested Chick Fil A before being shut down by Crystal, reminding her that they no longer supported the restaurant because of their anti-lgbtq beliefs. Lux rolled her eyes while Daegan joked that the only reason she ate there was because their hatred for her existence made it fun.

“What about pizza?” Gigi offered. Before anyone could protest Crystal said yes, giving everyone in the back seat a stern look. They all murmured reluctant okay’s before changing the subject to gossip about someone from school.

They finally pulled into a small pizza place with picnic tables scattered out front and a burnt out sign that read ‘The Big Slice’. Daya and Lux grabbed a picnic table while Crystal and Daegan went in to order, Gigi opted to stay outside and wait for them to come back.

It was kind of awkward without Crystal there and Gigi found herself racking her brain for something to say. The other girls hadn’t said anything since they sat down either, instead staring at their phones.

“Uh, so uh Daya how long have y-you and Crystal been dating?” Gigi asked, nervously looking between her and Lux.

Daya choked back a laugh, “What? Crys and I aren’t dating. Ew that would be like dating my sister.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I-I just heard you call her babe and assumed.” She couldn’t help but feel relieved, hoping her face didn’t show it. Lux busted out laughing at the idea of Crystal and Daya together and couldn’t stop.

“I call everyone babe, don’t worry.” Daya assured her. Gigi swallowed, oh god could she tell that Gigi liked Crystal. She thought she had been discreet when she looked at her but apparently not.

“Oh I’m no-” She started to protest.

“What’s so funny?” Daegen asked as she and Crystal made their way to the table. She sat in between Daya and Lux while Crystal planted herself right next to Gigi.

“S-she,” Lux tried to get out, pointing at Gigi, “she thought you two were dating.” Daegen joined in and after a couple of seconds Daya found herself laughing too. Gigi tried to laugh but it just came out as an awkward chuckle. The only one who wasn’t laughing was Crystal. She wore a horrified expression, her eyes bouncing between Gigi and Daya. “Why, why, uh um why would you think that?” Crystal’s eyebrows furrowed as she turned attention completely to Gigi. But she just shrugged and said it didn’t matter.

The conversation was forgotten as soon as the waitress brought out the pizza and everyone was too busy stuffing their faces to talk about how bad of a couple Crystal and Daya would make.

As time passed it became easier for Gigi to be around Crystal’s friends, she actually enjoyed how loud they all were. With everyone else fighting to talk over each other no one really noticed Gigi’s lack of input. Thank god, she used to hate how her friends back home would always try to pull her into the conversation. Why couldn’t they understand if she had something to say she would goddamn say it.

“Oh shit. It’s almost 4. My parents are gonna be home soon and I promised I would be there to get ready for tonight.” Gigi said looking down at her phone. She started to stand up from the table.

“Oh okay, I’ll uh drive you home.” Crystal said, standing up too.

“You don’t have to, I can just walk or uh call a lyft or something.” Gigi said, secretly hoping Crystal would insist.

“Excuse me, what about us?” Lux whined.

“Also what’s tonight?” Daya asked.

“Huh? Oh Gigi and her parents are coming over for dinner.” Crystal mumbled, knowing there was bound to be teasing from her friends. They all raised their eyebrows but before any of them could say anything inappropriate Crystal pushed Gigi toward her car. Crystal yelled at them to find their own way home.

“I hate you, bitch!” Daegen shouted at Crystal. She just put up her middle finger and held it up as she climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Don’t let her make you listen to One Direction Gigi!” Daya added before Gigi closed her door, unable to hear them anymore. She couldn’t help but laugh.

The drive was quiet, but this time it wasn’t a comfortable silence. Both of them wanting to say something but too afraid to say it. Crystal put on the same music from before, calm love songs that made Gigi feel like she never wanted them to stop driving.

“Why did you think I was dating Daya?” Crystal asked abruptly, pulling Gigi out of her daydream.

Gigi’s eyebrows furrowed, “What?” God why was she bringing this up again? Gigi never wanted to think about that again.

“C’mon I wanna know,” Crystal pouted, “please!” She begged, turning to look at Gigi.

“It’s nothing, I uh, heard her call you babe and I just assumed,” She shrugged trying to look anywhere but at Crystal.

Crystal didn’t respond, instead they just fell back into uncomfortable silence. Gigi tried to come up with something to say. God the one person she actually wanted to talk to and she couldn’t come up a single fucking thing to say.

“This doesn’t sound like One Direction.” Gigi said.

“Yeah I uh, I only bring that out with people I like,” Crystal shot her a devilish smile, “sorry.”

“You’re such an ass, oh my god.” Gigi laughed, hitting Crystal lightly on her shoulder. She watched as Crystal picked up her phone and unlocked it, quickly changing the song to ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ making Gigi laugh even more. “That’s more like it.”

Crystal finally pulled into her driveway, reluctantly putting the car in park. Gigi lingered in the passenger’s seat, not wanting to miss the heat from Crystal’s body. She slowly unbuckled her seat belt, grabbing the handle to the car door.

“So uh, I’ll see you tonight, yeah?” Crystal asked, unbuckling her own seat belt.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m looking forward to it.” Gigi pulled herself out of the car.

She was halfway down Crystal’s driveway when she heard her name. Gigi spun around to face her, “Yeah?”

“I had fun, uh with you,” She stopped as if she was searching for a difficult word, “today. I had fun with you today.” She ran a hand awkwardly through her hair.

Gigi chuckled, “I had fun with you too, Crystal.”

“Okay, good.” Crystal spun around and stumbled cheerfully up the stairs of her porch, turning around to wave at Gigi one last time before disappearing into her house.

Gigi continued walking back to her own house, smiling the entire way.

[bodtabs]

reposting and pinning this

being a straight black trans guy is really weird. there’s so many intersections of experience, and not in the dumb “technically i can reclaim this axis of oppression” level of terminally logged in lgbt person i mean it in a “going about my life” way.

for starters, idt i ever “hated” being a woman, i don’t really relate to that trans narrative, i just realized it was an identity that became increasingly frustrating to align with and moved on to a label that finally fit me. being a black girl was cool, despite all the social toll that came with it, black girls have contributed so much to popular culture and even to our own communities, so there was no real reason for me to dislike it other than “it just doesn’t feel like me anymore” and i like it that way. i have a very comfortable relationship with both black girlhood and black manhood, if anyone asks i’d probably fall under that “i remember being convinced i was a little boy. not knowing why my parents didn’t see it too and insisted on treating me like a little girl.” narrative that seems to be the narrative a lot of "trans stories that won’t make cis people uncomfortably avert their gaze” media. i had (and still do have) genuine interests in a lot of traditionally masculine aesthetics, music, career paths, and hobbies, but i don’t recall ever feeling disgusted, embarrassed, or insecure parts of my life where i was identifying as / being coerced into woman aligned individuality, and the strained relationship i had with my mother because of these things, like a lot of trans guys (understandably) seem to be with theirs. this proves for disconnect occasionally, between who i want to be and who i actually am, but the more time goes by the less i give a shit about who thinks what. i don’t take shit from anyone as a guy because i didn’t do it as a chick, which leads for a lot of leeway in being comfortable with who i was and who i currently am.

i still have a lot of pleasant associations with being a gay woman, i probably wouldn’t be where i am today without a lot of the gnc lesbians and trans bi women, i still feel a sense of community with that identity (never to the point of being invasive, i hope.) i’m never not going to get sentimental about a woman being happy with another woman, comfortable in their own skin; that’s just how my brain is default-wired at this point. i’m not offended by women (cishet or otherwise) not wanting me in their spaces (it’s honestly more validating than being seen as a defanged token feminist boy who will bring no harm or whatever, i much prefer people hearing about me or holding a conversation with me and deciding what direction they want to take with me based on those things, like you would any other human being) but it’s still cool to know that i can have these feelings– still be deeply involved and still have feelings for this culture i’ve ingrained in myself from a young age– and not feel like an intruder or outsider, despite being a straight dude, i’m always going to have a pretty firm grasp of gay culture and won’t get freaked out by people putting the sex back in homosexual like a lot of cishets and even a lot of gnc tenderkweers tend to get every 3 months. it’s honestly been the side of gay culture that i’ve always preferred lol.

i call a lot of bullshit on this “toxic masculinity intricate rituals” stuff that’s come into public conscious in the last couple of years or so as well, not only was it mostly popularized by MRAs (around the same time as public concious on ellior rodger and incel/chad terminology as well…shoulda been a red flag from the beginning imo) not just because it frames men as the ones who suffer the most due to their own actions rather than the women and children they torture on a daily basis, but it’s also been used to racially pathologize the boundaries and mannerisms i have that my (racist) white partners have been uncomfortable with in the past. your weird entitled impulse to police my body and the way i present myself in a way i genuinely enjoy and am comfortable is not remotely subtle, and the mental gymnastics behind your desires to impress your frat buddies does not excuse you brutalizing women on a daily basis and shaming children to the point they have serious issues coping with a lot of hardships that face them later in life.

the most visible majority of the trans masc community is white dudes and they all fucking suck. they’re terrible to women, trans nonbinary and cis, are either extremely liberal in their political stances or simply never talk about anything relating to it at all (and they all have garbage taste in fashion and music, i know that’s kinda petty but i think i’m allowed to be rude to people who try to make wanting to transition into a humanstuck karkat gijinka a universal experience and hozier and constantly self infantalize and weaponize their own softness while expecting everyone else on the planet to wait on them hand and foot.) i’ve met maybe 3 good white trans guys in my life and one of them i’ve been friends with since high school, it really put me off transitioning all together because i was raised mostly by women and a lot of my idols have been women since i was a kid (and even if this weren’t the case, colonialist concepts of respect / equality / gender in general are very different from nonwhite cultures, so even if i wasn’t constantly in immediate proximity of women or didn’t have any “significant” woman figures in my life it would stil feel very weird and removed.)

none of this, of course, is to imply that black men aren’t horrendously misogynistic (especially towards black women. lbr, mostly towards black women, lol. this is another one of those weird intersections, knowing that misogyny is not exclusively a product of white supremacy but that colonialism has definitely catalyzed it.) or that black men won’t use their race to get out of being rightfully accused of misogyny similar to the ways a lot of white gay people use their sexualities as a get out of jail free card, but i really don’t understand white trans guys like this. i think they realize they’re oppressed and cling to it as a personality trait, and when anyone calls them on it they get really offended cus they have nothing else to fall back on, hence all the gatekeeping and regurgitated TERF rhetoric (which any and all TME people have been guilty of, at some point, and a lot of whom unfortunately are still doing as i write up this post) and truscum antics. this nonsense got so bad that it put me off transitioning for like 5 years.

i’m here now, though, and i’m content with it, so i try not to hold too many grudges about it even if it is a bit frustrating and put me behind a lot of my peers. i’m mosly just focusing on how many doors open to you when you’re finally comfortable in your own skin lol.

[marculees]

🌼 Tag 🌼

Tagged by @pikachulein to answer ten of her custom questions, thank you 💖 💖

1. What compliment you've received meant the most to you?

I don’t really believe people when they compliment me rip. Only a few months ago, one of my professors told me I wrote at Masters level during a private meeting and it made me smile for three hours straight. I’ve been considering a career in third-level teaching and research and I hadn’t told him this but he started telling me I would be perfect for it and it was really motivating ;-;

2. Would you rather meet your favourite celebrity/group/bias and realize they're not at all how you imagined them to be like (maybe they're not as kind as you thought, for example) or never meeting them in person but it turning out that they're actually the amazing, kind, sweet, generous, etc. person that you thought they were? (I hope that makes sense hhhh I think the ethics of this question are really interesting)

I’d rather not meet them and have them be lovely. I haven’t met them yet anyway and so I wouldn’t lose anything by not meeting them.

3. What's your current favourite song you always use to get hyped up to or a song currently stuck in your head?

Boss Bitch - Doja Cat

4. If you had to write the book of your life, what genre would it be and what would you choose as a title?

I’d write it in the format of diary entries, very much a ‘slice of life’ type, with illustrations and doodles on the pages for metaphor and viewing pleasure. I think the title would be something simple too but with some depth to it, like a significant date in my life; almost like the ‘climax’ of the book, I could work the reader up to that entry and they would know something is coming up but not what 👀

5. Name your top 5 musical artists and your favourite song of each of them?

mxmtoon - Feelings are Fatal

Hozier - Movement

Kim Petras - Personal Hell

Conan Gray - Comfort Crowd

Kodaline - Ready

6. If you were invited to a big humanitarian event and had to give a speech on a topic you'd want to bring about a huge change for the better, what topic would you choose to speak about and voice your opinions/ideas? (Assume public speaking is one of your strongest assets and you'll ace this no matter what)

Okay so this is literally one of my aspirations in life, no joke, I’d love to be able to speak to a crowd and try to inspire and motivate them to achieve great things! I just really want to see people succeed and realise their potential regardless of who they are :( There are so many topics I would like to address but I think I would go for mental health in development. I study international development so I’m very familiar with humanitarian issues but often times, mental health is ignored when looking at healthcare regardless of where you are in the world.

7. What is something (a skill, personality trait, or something appearance related, it can be whatever) you wish you had and/or you really admire in other people?

I really admire team-players in leadership. People who are genuinely concerned for those around them and want them all to succeed together. They don’t leave anyone behind and remind everyone of their strengths and what they contribute to the team and actively push them to succeed. I try to do the same but sometimes I can sometimes be a bit of a pushover and not strict enough, instead just taking on more work myself rather than trusting a team member to do it... group projects, anyone??? :’)

8. What's your favourite anime/show/youtuber (you can answer whichever you got an answer for, it can be all three options of course :D)?

I don’t watch anime anymore but I enjoyed Ouran High a lot!

I’m waiting for the new season of Line of Duty to come out soon, but my guilty pleasure TV show is Bondi Rescue dsjvkdhlvjhfb I’ve also been watching that new show Five Guys A Week with my mum recently and its such good craic omfg 

I tend to flock towards gaming and commentary channels most but Dashie is my fave istg there isn’t a video of his that I don’t wheeze along to 😂

9. In kpop, are you more into vocalists, dancers, rappers, maknaes, leaders, or visuals (or maybe a mix of some/all :'))?

I’ve noticed I like the rappers most!

10. What's your most beautiful/favourite memory?

This is hard...I literally had to answer this question last because I wanted to have a proper think about it. Its been hurting my head for days trying to think tbh and is it bad that I actually can’t pick a particular moment?.I’m genuinely stuck but a recent-ish one I can think of was this time last year when I had to give a presentation in front of my class of 250 people. I was presenting with two groupmates and I remember how hard we practiced and rehearsed for the days coming up to it. We wore coordinating outfits and had our lines memorised and I remember walking up on the stage and immediately feeling ‘powerful’. I don’t usually feel powerful at all but once I started speaking and performing our skit with my groupmates (who were lovely btw it made me really happy seeing the more nervous one do so well!), I seen how the faces of my classmates lit up and it gave me that warmth I had missed for so long. Random people I had never even spoke to before came up and complimented me later and it made me really proud because its what I love to do and it was so lovely knowing they enjoyed it too ;-; The lecturer we had for that class was known for being really intense but she took a shine to me and pulled me aside one of the days to compliment me and then referred to me as “her powerful speaker” in front of the class when we were receiving assignments back weeks later. It was the highlight of my whole semester and second year tbh. I’m really hard on myself but for once, I felt genuinely and I mean TRULY proud of myself and it had been a long ass time since I had felt that way 😭 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, now I tag @wheezing-pterodactyl @jbemin @jenoscity @starryseung @seventiddies @thegirlthatsdancingintherain @leechan-babyboy @angelwonho for the following questions:

1. What comment appeared on your report card most often as a schoolchild?

2. What’s your guilty pleasure?

3. You find a magic lamp and now a genie is here to grant you three wishes! What are you gonna wish for? (you can’t ask for more wishes though lol)

4. Imagine you have the power to control time. Would you rather pause, rewind or fast-forward?

5. When you shop for clothes, what’s the first thing that catches your eye? (could be the colour, pattern, style, price, fabric, etc.)

6. What’s the strangest dream you have had recently?

7. What is your MBTI type?

8. Do you have any unusual talents or party tricks? If so, what are they?

9. If your life were to be recreated through a form of art, which medium would you choose? (examples: painting, film, book, music, video game, etc.)

10. If you could be any mythical creature or figure, what would you like to be?

[starlightinhumanform]

The Art of Love: Chapter 5

Fandom: She Ra (2018)

Ship: Glimadora 

Summary: Glimmer continues to learn about Adora— and the way she feels about Adora. 

Warnings (for this chapter): Mild Language (please tell me if anything needs to be added)

Genre: High School AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Rivals/Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Fluff

A/N: This part is pure indulgent fluff (Brought to you by Hozier) but I had so much fun writing it and I hope you guys like it too! Please tell me what you think! All likes and reblogs go straight to my cold, dead soul. Love you all 🖤✨

Ao3    The Art of Love Masterpost    Fic Masterpost    Fic Request Info

3 protons later, when Adora’s face had returned to it’s usual colour and was no longer wet with tears, Glimmer was still no less mystified about what was going on or what her situation with Adora was; were they friends, were they acquaintances- what even are acquaintances??- had she actually hugged Adora? Why would she do that? Well she knew why, but she sure as hell wasn’t going to admit it. One of her brain cells had resumed its habit of calling her a loser. Once again, she felt that it was making a fair point.

Adora seemed oblivious as she continued to work away on the clay Glimmer had assigned her to, her back bent and stray pieces of hair creating a divide once more between her and the rest of the world, between her and Glimmer.

The silence had become awkward again, at least on Glimmer’s side. The oxygen in the room felt stuffy and hard to breathe like the air in a closed car in the summer that heats up and makes the whole car into a moving oven; it felt as if it were being thickened by the tension Glimmer felt. She could readily assume though that she was the only one feeling this awkwardness and, if it were real, she was probably the one creating it.

If only she could think of something to say, something to do, something to break up the space between them, something to place how causal she was supposed to act now, something-

“Hey, what are you painting?” Adora asked. Bright, friendly, opening up the room for conversation, casual but nothing too personal or anything that would just make matters more awkward. Damn how did she get so good at this whole ‘talking’ thing? Is there a class I should take?

Glimmer topped the rambling in her mind for a moment to answer, “I’m trying to make them look like a chunk of Bismuth.”

Glimmer held up one the finished pieces that was nearly dry at this point and hoped Adora wouldn’t make a big deal of it the way she had about all of her other art. Of course, things could never go the way Glimmer wanted them to and Adora’s jaw was dropping before she had the time to finish the thought.

“Glimmer!!”

“...yes?”

“That’s so cool- oh my god- how do you even? Holy shit!!”

Glimmer could feel her face going red; it was like she hated any type criticism but didn’t know how to handle compliments. She knew it was illogical but it didn’t stop her from doing it which is why her brain chose this moment to remind her what a loser she was. Yeah, yeah I know. Now shut up and help me talk to the pretty girl.

Did she just call Adora pretty? On the one hand that could be a very, very bad sign pointing to something that Glimmer was attempting to refuse as even a possibility but on the other hand, it was just the truthful reality. Glimmer had always known that Adora was pretty, far prettier than she ever considered herself- that’s for sure.

Glimmer shook herself out of self contemplation/pity party to see Adora leaning towards her and asking if she could see one closer. Nodding, Glimmer placing the one in her hand into Adora’s cupped and waiting palm. She gave a habitual warning of watching out for wet paint but wasn’t focusing on her own words. Instead, she was thinking about how this was the first time they had touched since the hug. That shouldn’t have mattered as much as it did.

Adora held the little round of clay between two fingers as if it were a fragile, ancient artifact. She looked at it with the same child-like awe that she had directed at the chopsticks earlier. Glimmer was slightly insulted by the fact that her work seemed to hold the same amount of amazing qualities as some mass produced wooden sticks. Mostly though, she was just watching the look of wonder that filled Adora’s face, the girl’s mouth slightly agape and her eyes absolutely locked on the small ball that she wouldn’t stop turning from side to side to see the light reflect off of it. Glimmer scolded herself for it, but couldn’t stop soaking in the admiration in Adora’s expression. Why should she care so much about what Adora’s opinion of her skills? She shouldn’t and that was the final word on that. Yeah but she’s popular and if she respects me, then maybe other people will too. Ha! So she could justify it! 

...And of course she hated how happy that made her.

Adora cleared her throat, apparently realizing how childish she looked; Glimmer tried not to look or feel so disappointed as she actually was, “How did you do that?”

“Hmm?” Glimmer raised her eyebrows hoping to express how little she understood what Adora was talking about.

“I mean the way it shines; it really looks like metal. It’s just,” she huffed like she was giving up on something, “amazing. I know I keep saying that, but it really is true!”

“Oh, uh, it’s just the paint,” Glimmer held up the bottle and waved it in the air, “Metallic paint: really handy when you want to paint something that looks like, um, metal.”

Adora smiled at that, making Glimmer glad that at least her stupidity wasn’t going to waste.

She handed back the ball of clay with slight reverence that made Glimmer squirm for reasons she couldn’t quite place.

Glimmer placed it back down among its completed siblings and Adora scooted back to her place of work. Well I guess this conversation is over.

It was several more minutes before Glimmer got up the courage to say something else. The silence seemed to roar in her ears at times like that, when she felt like she should say something but just didn’t know how. That was part of the reason she asked the question she did, “Hey do you mind if I turn on some music?”

Adora whipped head around to face Glimmer (and maybe to fling her messy bun- which was getting messier by the minute- out of her face), “Yeah, sure!”

Glimmer connected her phone back into her speaker- to where it had been before all of this had started with Adora’s text. Her hands were shaky again as she scrolled through her music to the H’s. What did she expect to get out of this? Adora’s approval, her friendship that she didn’t even know was real or if it would last? A part of her mind whispered You just want to hear her sing again.

And thus Hozier began ringing out in her room again. This time in a man’s voice, followed by music, and layered to create harmonies. It was heart wrenching because of the authenticity; that’s why Glimmer liked it. And somehow, despite the genuine emotion that filled the music, it didn’t seem as real as Adora had managed to be when she was alone in Glimmer’s room, singing merely because she felt the need or want to.

“My lover’s got humor

She’s the giggle at a funeral

Knows everybody’s disapproval-”

Adora flung herself backwards with dramatic happiness, “Oh my god, I LOVE Hozier!”

“Yeah, I know,” Glimmer blurted our without thinking.

She winced at the confused glance she got in response, “I saw, er, heard you singing earlier.”

“Oh.”

The room was silent except for the music still pouring out of Glimmer’s speaker, neither knowing what to do.

“You’re really good,” Glimmer decided to speak from the heart; it was true after all. She recalled the hypnotizing quality of Adora’s voice, the jealousy she had felt. Part of that jealousy had simple roots: her mother was an amazing singer whose voice rang throughout the apartment equally sweet and heartbroken in a way that could bring the most calloused hearts to tears. It was no exaggeration to say that Glimmer, on the other hand, sounded like a pig with a sore throat. Ok maybe that was a little bit of an exaggeration, but the difference in talent of undeniable; Glimmer had always felt that she had probably disappointed her mom. And there was Adora going above and beyond Glimmer’s level in yet another area. It made perfect sense for her to be jealous. But there was that little voice in her head that reminded her of that pull she had felt, that want for the words to be describing her, jealous of whoever they were describing. Chalk it up to Adora’s great signing.

Adora gave a somewhat wary smile, “Thanks.”

Glimmer squinted, “You don’t believe me, do you? I mean it, you’re great.”

Wow, that took a lot to force out; Glimmer was one of the last to compliment someone on something they were better at than her. It wasn’t that she conceited or anything; after all, she was the first to compare herself as lesser to others- internally, that is. She just feared that admitting other’s advantage over her would lead to other’s finding out just how bad she was. Just another thing Glimmer knew to be illogical, but wouldn’t stop. Hmm, maybe I should talk to a counselor.

Adora’s smile was still shy but far more genuine, “Really?”

Glimmer threw a spare bit of clay lying next to her leg out the other girl, “Yes, dork. Now come on, the songs almost over and we haven’t gotten anything done.”

Adora turned back to her work with a grin on her lips. It was cute, not overplayed and blindingly enthusiastic like Adora’s smiles often struck Glimmer. And, huh, Glimmer had made this one.

They worked quietly for a few minutes- for a whole song, in fact. The silence was far more comfortable now that the air between them wasn’t a wasteland of uncertainty, instead filled with not only sound, but common interest.

It was at the break between two songs that Adora decided to speak once more, “Do you sing?”

“Oh,” Hahaha. Glimmer sure did love how god liked to toy with her emotions and make her squirm. If she ever met whatever stupid being controlled her world, she might punch it, “Uh, no, I don’t really sing.”

“Oh, ok,” Adora seemed somewhat disappointed. Way to go, Glimmer, make everything awkward again.

Glimmer spent the next few minutes on her favorite hobby: worrying. She wondered if maybe she should have said something different, should have lied and said that she could. But what if Adora asked her about it sometime and she was forced to break it to her that she couldn’t sing to save her life? That of course brought up the idea that this relationship, this friendship, this whatever it was, was never going to last. Glimmer considered saying something now to fix the tension she had created but then balanced that with the fact she would probably just make things worse. Talking to people is way too much work and it hardly ever results in anything good.

That’s when Adora started singing again.

Quiet and sweet at first, like she was trying to gain the confidence to get louder or was trying to measure Glimmer’s reaction. It was like liquid sugar weaving through the air and although outside Glimmer showed no response- she hardly batted an eye- inside, her heart was fluttering. God, why isn’t this girl on America’s Got Talent or something like that?

Then the chorus started and Adora’s voice grew into a river, flowing through the room with the joy and strength of someone immersed in love. It was powerful and beautiful and made Glimmer feel like she was sitting next to some ancient deity. She had heard jokes on the internet about Hozier being some sort of immortal or Celtic god but she didn’t understand it until Adora was singing his words. Of course, as a matter of principle, Glimmer refused to acknowledge it in any way.

That is until Adora placed her clay down in front of her, her voice halting as she stood and stayed there unmoving for a few seconds. Glimmer glanced upward to see Adora jerking her head in her direction like Come on, get up!

Glimmer set her brush on her palette and shifted to stand slowly and with hesitation, frozen somewhere between incredulity and fear, “What are you doing?”

Adora took her hand, pulling her the rest of the way up, “We’ve been sitting too long, come on- dance with me!”

Glimmer choked, “Sorry, what?”

Adora had started singing again but paused long enough to answer Glimmer, “Dance with me!”

She grabbed Glimmer’s hands and began twisting herself gently back and forth to the beat of the music, Glimmer’s arms being moved along with Adora’s body. Glimmer prayed Adora couldn’t feel how sweaty how her palms were in the grasp.

She managed a giggle, all incredulous feelings replaced by pure uncertain fear, and tried to speak above Adora’s voice, “I can’t dance!”

Adora laughed and began moving her head goofily from side to side along with her body, “Well that’s good ‘cause neither can I!”

Glimmer let Adora lead her away from the art materials into the clear(er) part of the room and didn’t understand why until Adora began shuffling her feet from side to side, taking Glimmer along with her in a swaying, twisting sort of half-dance.

The chorus had started up again and Adora had her head thrown back, letting the words ring out of her mouth. The overhead light was reflecting off the posters on Glimmer’s walls, tinging Adora’s face with violets and hot pinks. She looked, she looked like, well, she looked like an idiot.

Glimmer laughed and it was real, carrying through her room as loud as Adora’s voice.

Adora looked up, grinning widely. She made eye contact with Glimmer, keeping her head up as she switched to dramatically mouthing the words. She still sang them but now looked comically like she was some rock star from the 80’s:

“I fall in love just a little, ol’ little bit

Everyday with someone new.”

Adora wouldn’t break the gaze she held with Glimmer, the blue of her eyes sparkling. It made Glimmer’s stomach flip strangely; she didn’t know what was happening, she didn’t know where they were going as they swayed through her room- content to be lead by Adora’s voice. Or maybe it was Adora’s smile she was following. She didn’t know; she didn’t care.

Her head was light and she couldn’t exactly feel her legs. She wondered vaguely if this what it was like to be high and if this floating-without-legs feeling was the reason they called it ’high.’ She momentarily stumbled across the idea that maybe she was high but abandoned it quickly to memorize the way Adora’s nose crinkled occasionally as she sang. It wasn’t like this was ever going to happen again so she might as well enjoy it, remember how it felt. Of course Bow and her messed around like this but... Bow just didn’t have eyes that sparkled like sunlight on the ocean, didn’t have a voice that rolled over you like molten gold, didn’t stop suddenly and ask you to dance and make you laugh with stupid footwork, didn’t make you feel like you could fly right out of your body.

Adora let go of one of Glimmer’s hands to twirl her around in an imperfect circle which mostly imperfect due to the fact that Glimmer had tripped half way through. She competed the turn unsteadily, giggling as she fell lightly on Adora who caught the hand she had dropped with just enough strength to keep Glimmer from toppling them both to the ground. Glimmer still dipped forward, stopping quite close to Adora’s face; close enough to notice the specks of light grey and darker blues that floated in her eyes. Glimmer was starting to get very interested in those eyes. God damnit.

When the song ended, Adora lead her back to where they had been sitting before by keeping one keeping one of Glimmer’s hands wrapped loosely in her soft fingers; Glimmer was grateful for the guidance as her feet and legs were still miles away from her head.

“See, told you that would be fun,” Adora smiled at Glimmer after they had sat down.

“You didn’t say that; you said ‘Come on get up’ and then you dragged me with you.”

Adora leaned towards her with a sing-songy tone on her voice, “Yeah, but it was fun, wasn’t it?”

Glimmer gave a grudging smile back, “Yeah, sure. Whatever if it’ll make you shut up.”

Adora grinned before turning back to her work. They worked for the rest of the album more or less in silence, only occasionally checking the other’s progress or asking how their work looked. Adora’s answers were always somewhere along the lines of “amazing” or “great” and it made Glimmer feel slightly guilty for her far more critical answers. Then again, Glimmer was not known as someone to soften the truth; maybe that’s she wasn’t popular- let alone, highly so. During that time period Adora refrained from singing anymore, only humming here and there but never actually letting her voice ring out the way it had. In some ways Glimmer was glad; she couldn’t afford that type of distraction.

The final song ended and Glimmer abandoned her paints for a second to scroll through her phone, “Ok what do you want to listen to next? I’ve got Twenty One Pilots, David Bowie, Black Pink, Mozart, basically anything; what sounds good?

“Oh, uh, whatever you want.” Adora hummed without interest.

Glimmer was hurt as she had hoped her wide selection would impress Adora or at least reveal another shared interest. That was until she dared a glance at Adora whose hunched shoulders had shifted from “I’m concentrated and working hard” to “Oh my god, when did my head get so heavy?” and whose hands were moving much slower now, rolling repetitively without doing much.

“Hey are you ok?” It was only around ten; she couldn’t be tired, could she?

“Oh yeah I’m just sleepy,” Her eyes weren’t quite half-closed yet but they had certainly lost almost all of their customary shine. She tried for a smile but it seemed to take quite some effort, “I guess I’m just not a night person. Also I’ve been up since five.”

Glimmer scowled; they still had a lot work to do and she hadn’t even considered sleep as she was the type of teenage goblin who just didn’t sleep. (Well maybe she did but it didn’t qualify as much more than passing for a couple hours with the light on before waking up and continuing life as she had been before she was rudely interrupted by exhaustion).

“It’s ok, though,” she yawned, “I can keep working.”

Glimmer doubted that but the time creeping forward was starting to make her anxious and she was hoping to be finished before passing out. On the other hand, forcing Adora to keep working in this hardly-awake state was unlikely to speed up the process. And it might make her hate you.

She chewed the bottom of her lip, trying to weigh the options Get this stupid project over with/Make Adora hate you. Hmmm, “How many do have left to make?”

It took Adora a few times to count the number, further pushing Glimmer’s decision, “24.”

Her voice was bright but Glimmer could see right through the fact that it was an attempt to seem more awake. Ha. Not only did Glimmer use this tactic herself everyday, she had spent the majority of her interactions with Adora trying to discern when Adora was being genuine and when she was wearing a mask so she knew the girl was faking, “Go ahead and sleep- you’ve made enough extras that I can work on painting them for a while before needing more.”

Adora’s lips twitched into a frown, “Are you sure?”

“I’ll wake up when I need you,” Maybe that’ll appease her inner workaholic. Glimmer thought about what Adora had said about wanting to prove her what: worth? use? validity? to her adoptive parents. It made her wonder how hard Adora pushed herself, “Go to sleep.”

“You promise you'll wake me up?”

“Yes, now sleep; you look you’re about to fall over,” Shit I sound like my mom. She hoped her voice held that same gentle but stern tone that seemed to work on nearly everybody that her mom used as well. If I’m gonna sound like my mom, it better work as well as it does for her.

Apparently she hadn’t gotten it down yet as Adora still looked unconvinced. Glimmer gave her a soft push and Adora gave in, flopping to the floor.

“M’kay, talk to ya in a few hours.”

“Uh, you don’t need to sleep there,” Glimmer hadn’t expected Adora to actually fall over with the push and she certainly hadn’t expected her to curl up and close her eyes right there on the carpet, “My bed’s right there if you wanna use it.”

Adora gave a small shrug, “Here’s ok.”

“Do you at least want a pillow?? A blanket, something-“

“Glimmer,” She waited for Glimmer to look over, “This is fine and I’m about to pass out so just let me sleep.”

“Ok...” Glimmer still felt like she should do something else but, sure enough, Adora was asleep within a few minutes.

The girl slept as perfectly as she lived- or at least looked like she lived- breathing in soft puffs, her hair falling over her cheeks in wisps. Her face was relaxed and free of the tension of life pressing down on her; without it, years seemed to be swept away.

Glimmer snorted to herself- years swept away; as if the two of us aren’t 16. But there was a quality of truth to it; without the tension of an over-strung smile or creases caused by concentration, she looked- well maybe “younger” wasn’t the right word, maybe “fitting” was better, finally looking like a 16 year old. Glimmer had never noticed how old she looked, how all her maturity and perfection came from the lines in her expression. But here Adora was just a girl; just a tired, overworking girl whose breathing matched Glimmer’s heartbeat.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

this has been the most wild fuckin year so let’s do a Year in Review shall we

in terms of internet and fandom life, that is. my real life has been atrociously boring but who cares about real life amirite folx

january probably the only calm month of the year.  i spent the first day of the month watching the brazilian inauguration in burgos, spain with one headphone in, while ordering for my family in a restaurant where nobody spoke english (my sister speaks decent spanish, but my whole family has like 8194814 food restrictions so it kind of went past her level of ability). translating between spanish and english with portuguese in one year was kind of awesome. i watched bodyguard and it was amazing!  what else...in january i briefly owned the issue of spanish GQ with Luka on the cover which i then forgot about until november. other than that...? nada.  the calm before the storm. (fav music)

february was so long ago that i keep forgetting how insane its 28 days were.  probably the wildest month of the year really. i got involved in an absolutely batshit and exclusive group chat with a famous person’s family member (which must remain confidential). it was all sunshine and rainbows for a week and a half and it then devolved into the most absolutely insane Lord of the Flies situation ever--it turned into 1 main chat and then 1 chat that was less puritanical than the main chat, and that chat spawned another chat that didn’t trust the previous chat, and then that chat had a massive argument and a like 6-person bitchy chat modded by a gay guy who does voodoo (shoutout to ALCIDES) spawned from that one.  i made it into every level of group chat and was asked by the tiny bitchy chat to spy on the other bitchy chat (i did not lol). i was a member of the tiny bitchy chat until i got a new phone and was logged out of whatsapp for like a month.  these words can’t even convey what this chat was like--oh and did i mention it was all conducted in only my 3rd-best language? it’s no wonder my weird ass survived middle school almost entirely unscathed.  as this was winding down, on the very last day of the month, I found out about Justin’s involvement in the SNC-Lavalin scandal and decided to go public about my years-long boner for him; Lavscam definitely changed the course of the rest year ~ Oh, also i began helping to repair a friendship that had had some Drama go down so that was p cool ~ (fav music)

march was a Time. The insanity of lavscam helped me finally finish the macdeau I started writing the previous December when a bunch of tungelr people called me disgusting for writing it.  i wrote my first straight-up serious explicit porn in years which has wound up being the third-longest thing i’ve ever published on ao3. Also, Hozier released Wasteland, Baby! which made a huge impact on me as well.  i spent like half of march staying up till 3:30 am writing said Long Fic, and i was firmly in the closet about stanning manu. also justin almost got a vote of no confidence or something and he got busted for eating a chocolate bar during a parliamentary all-nighter.  (fav music)

in april i wrote a ton of fanfic thanks to declining mental health(tm).  i think this is when i started my emmanuyell insta account and became really into making weird edits (which i still love doing just...don’t anymore.)  i started meeting some cool people thanks to macdeau.  what else happened in april? i feel like it wasn’t actually too eventful other than writing a lot of fanfic and being Annoyed about manu.  feel free to jog my memory lol.  oh i think i wrote “Okay so who from the French national team are we gonna ship Manu with” on twitter after seeing photos of manu + antoine griezmann at the World Cup but nothing came of that...at that time... (fav music)

may saw me having to deal with my shit mental health and up my meds but that seems to have had a good effect because i seem to not be too depressed to write in the winter/fall anymore! it was the 2nd anniversary of manu’s election and at the Christchurch Call in paris, macdeau took that amazing fairytale princess photo together that was completely unrivalled in Gay Shippy Feels moments until ivan went out of his way to kiss luka during the el clásico gameplay last wednesday. someone wrote ao3′s first griezmanu drabble and at the end manu gets down on his knees in front of antoine, takes off his shoes for him, and sucks his dick, and i achieved another state of being entirely.  my sister graduated from grad school and when we went down to DC for the weekend i went to eat at this restaurant manu famously ate at while there and ordered the same stuff he did and i have no idea how he consumed all that grease.  i learned about the song O Come, O Come, Emmanuel *snort*. i feel like other things happened in may too?  OH YES--i got the idea for my magnum opus, Trophy Boyfriend, and started to write it. the first scene i wrote was justin blowing manu in the hallway. then the same day i wrote the scene at the airport (which was the ending for a solid month and half till i realized it shouldn’t be), and the saddest scene in the fic--but we’ll stop to open presents.  oh! and i stumbled across the macronists discord chat which is such a delightful little community *weepy sniffles* (fav music)

june was Eventful.  a french neonazi on tumblr told me to go let manu fuck me in the ass because i was a fucking degenerate.  what a start!  then came the ceremony in which manu awarded everyone on the french national team the legion of honor medal and the way he and antoine looked at each other was truly...Wait it was the 3rd Gay Shippy Feels moment of the year.  as soon as the ceremony was over i wrote a fic about it and haven’t looked back.  between this + watching almost every 2018 World Cup game and the women’s world cup (during which I cried during argentina’s last game because of that miraculous penalty) i finally achieved my years-long goal of getting into Futbol(TM).  Antoine dropped his spotify playlist and my crush on him turned into Intense Love (TM) and also he introduced me to some legit awesome artists.  which led to (fav music)

july, in which i wrote “ça c’est ma dope” which is definitely the best thing i’ve written since i wrote “modernity towering in front of the sky” almost exactly 10 years before. got embroiled in Soccer Transfer Drama and learned its pain for the first time (unfortunately, since i wound up attaching my heart-wagon to barça’s Suddenly Least Favorite Player, the transfer drama pain has...never ended) became a full-fledged culé, O the joy O the honor.  i wanted to ship antoine with someone on the team, which in their current chemistry-less season is a real challenge, but after seeing a few photos i decided it would be fun to casually ship antoine + ivan rakitic (partially because, ever since i went from Enemies to Lovers with the croatia NT during the World Cup, he was one of the only players i knew anything about other than messi, suárez, and piqué lmao). while looking on ao3 to see what kind of headcanons people had about him--and the fic is definitely in general better than what’s out there about antoine, which is perplexing because antoine is much easier to write than ivan--i found That Amazing Rakidric Fic and thought “oh wait that ship makes a lot of sense” and started also shipping ivan and luka with the fire of a thousand suns.  oh and my air conditioner was broken for like 3 weeks. i worked on more fics, seriously outlining the path of Trophy Boyfriend, and my music taste was killer. (fav music)

in august i finished Trophy Boyfriend in my neighborhood Starbucks after writing the scene that was giving me the most trouble (the scene at the beginning where they’re organizing their book collection). the fic has made multiple people cry and people disagree on whether justin’s choice at the end was the right one and god i’m so proud of it.  Instantly went on to write ‘i might not mind,’ a lively lighthearted Friends to Lovers ivantoine~ romp which was definitely going to be a one-off and i was definitely not going to get an extra celeb crush out of it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (fav music)

in september ivantoine became A Thing in my mind and it’s a whole ongoing slow-burn character-arcy series that has taken a very different turn than i had expected. i’m not saying it’s like, the most deep writing of all time, but it’s gone to some interesting places emotionally. honestly, ships and boners aside, the concept of a person who made some really stupid homophobia 101 comments many years ago slowly realizing over and over again that they have gay feelings for a man who seems rather comfortable with gayness is a fascinating one and one that’s really cool to explore in writing.  Or at least, i think so.  in many ways ivan is my most unreliable narrator because of the many layers of Discomfort, Emotion and Repression at play in the fic while he’s interacting with this pretty cheery and uncomplicated seeming-dude who’s still perceptive enough to sort of know what’s going on (and that’s not even adding in the star player/falling from grace former rockstar dynamic!!!)  i know in the current climate it’s Not Allowed to write about someone who said a bad, but luckily i’m too old to give a Fuck. ivantoine is hard to write but it’s my bff’s favorite ship of mine and has a few other excited fans on ao3 which tbh is kind of an accomplishment considering i made it up out of thin air and it’s not something you’d ever think would be a thing. instantly also developed ‘getting called out about ivan by a child on the internet’ as a goal.  and...i achieved my dream of leading high holiday services!!! (fav music)

october had more high holiday services and i worked a lot on certain fics (including d*janfic which would be fun to finish). i came up with the idea of a Very Long Rakidric Fic based on the translation of a gorgeous croatian folk song i sang in college (Janko fell asleep under the poplar/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me/Under the poplar's golden branch/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me/I tore off the golden branch/My dear and beloved/My beautiful dark eyes/Look at me--in which the golden branch is a reference to a way to get into the underworld). decided to start quarter-assedly learning croatian for fun.  Fun...ha.  other than fangirling a lot and watching the croatian NT play, october was pretty uneventful? i think? Justin got reelected and mauricio didn’t ;( (fav music)

in november i finally achieved my dream of having a literal child on the internet call me out about being attracted to a homophobe.  (they were a madridista even!) accidentally started writing some more rakidric and now i’m seriously hooked.  also accidentally came out of the closet about the secret crush i’d been harboring on luka modric and then one fateful day in the ihop on 14th st i realized i’d had this crush already and repressed it from my memory. Don’t do that kids! now it’s Hurting Really Bad. Ivan dropped the most pathetic and candid interview like...ever and i hope “¿Cómo puede disfrutar uno? Jugando al fútbol. ¿Cómo se siente mi hija pequeña cuando le quitan un juguete? Triste. Yo me siento igual. Me han quitado la pelota, me siento triste” goes down in the history of most epic futbol quotes of all time.  (still haven’t actually been able to watch this because no one has uploaded it anywhere)  What else...............Am i forgetting anything? i celebrated my birthday with @tender-vittles in epic fashion after two years of Not doing that, and turned 32 going on 15.  enjoyed my first-ever “x reader” fic (zlatko dalic x reader LOL) and finished “drive your plow over the bones of the dead” which was real fucking good. i saw hozier live and it was a religious experience and i unexpectedly cried during nina cried power and then called myself “Luka B” when ordering at the classy taco bell across the street after getting a glimpse of alexxx ryan in the flesh. (fav music)

now it’s december and my seasonal depression is a little worse than it’s been the past few years but i’m managing.  still shipping and writing and i just got called out about ivan again last week.  i’m 2 for 2 here!  el clásico was boring but also it was gay and my heart my heart my heart ! Anything could happen in the last 10 days of this year and honestly...I’m pretty sure I’m ready.

Most importantly this year, despite it being not that great in a lot of ways, I developed a lot more self confidence, made many important realizations, and became a lot more peaceful (despite how this post makes me sound) and wiser and less bitter and pessimistic.  And i became outspoken enough about antisemitism on the left to lose friends over it...3 for 3.  i can’t say i’m displeased with these developments.

Hasta 2020! <3

[lokishornns]

Sedated

—

masterlist

mcu masterlist

—

—

pairing: loki x reader

type: @lokissoul 1k Writing Challenge – sedated, Hozier

rating: pg13

summary: You two were addicted to each other and sober for far too long.

word count: 3,358

warnings: alcohol, not necessarily depression but some sharing symptoms, a lot of angst, curse words, implications of smut

notes: I have been trying to write this for ages because I feel like nothing will really be justice to this song, but I finally decided to finish it. I’m actually pretty happy with this, sorry for getting to it pretty late!

—

Just a little rush, babe

To feel dizzy, to derail the mind of me

“Fuck,” Loki groaned as he rolled away from you, his breaths heavy. Your chest heaved as you stared at the ceiling, your previous actions clouding your mind. Loki falls onto his back next to you. You both knew that this night would either go forgotten or ignored based on the heavy stench of alcohol and sex in the room. The music from the party still pounded on the walls and dizzied your mind, but you two had long left the loud get together, both drunk and in need of a stress reliever.

You pushed up from the bed, your legs shaking from the fall from the edge of pleasure. You sit on the bed for a few moments, your eyes trained on the bare wall. You stand up after a few seconds, stumbling over to the pile of clothes on the ground that had been torn off in a frenzy. You slip into the small dress that you had come in, threading your fingers into your heels in the process.

“Where are you going?” his voice comes tiredly from the bed and you close your eyes, your back still facing him.

“It’s a lot easier leaving drunk than hungover,” you say, biting your tongue at the end. Tears prick at the back of your eyes, all too familiar with the feeling of leaving this room in this state. Both of you fall silent, breaths still louder than thoughts for now. You hook your arm into the strap of your clutch, shoving it onto your shoulder.

“Stay,” his voice comes strained and soft, prompting you to freeze, your hand resting on the handle of the door. Your breathing softens as a tear rolls down your cheek. God, you were so stupid.

“You know I can’t do that. This is the last time,” you promise, knowing that it’ll fall through eventually. Soon enough, one of you is going to be pissed off and come running to the other, needing some way to rid their frustration. Or maybe another party will happen, the alcohol feeding into the hormones and the clothes ridiculously attractive, leading to your demise. You leave quickly, escaping through the door and into the dark hallways.

Just a little hush, babe

Our veins are busy but my heart’s in atrophy

You grab the glass tightly, throwing your head back, the liquid running down your throat, leaving a trail of burning nerves. You slam the glass onto the counter grimacing at the taste of the liquor. You groan, resting your head in your hands.

“You alright, doll?” you hear a deep voice next to you, smiling lightly when your eyes meet Bucky’s. His eyes are filled with concern as they look at your hunched figure at the bar. You turn your attention back to the bar, dropping your head down to the counter. Bucky looks to Natasha, the acting bartender, who only motions to a crowd of people all engaged in a conversation.

Bucky looks over to the group, almost freezing when he notices the god, his arm wrapped tightly around his new plaything. His stomach rolls as his eyes travel up and down the young blond who’s practically melting into the raven-haired man’s embrace. Loki had found himself a new girlfriend, spending most of his free time away from the tower at her place. When you had first found out, you didn’t respond very well, locking yourself in your room and diving into new missions that were long and far away, hoping to escape reality.

You lift your head up from the counter, tears trailing down your face. You look to the assassins, your mascara leaving dark lines behind them. You choke back a sob, your hand hurriedly going to wipe away the makeup, only smudging it more. Both assassins were frozen in shock, watching you carefully. They knew you cared about the god, but they had never seen you cry. You had the reputation of being the opposite of soft. You prided yourself in your tough shell. To make you cry took a hell lot of effort.

That’s when they both realized, you loved the god.

“Hell, doll,” Bucky’s voice is as soft as a cushion on Stark’s couches, filled to the brim with pity and frustration. Natasha hands Bucky a napkin, who soon uses it to brush away some of your tears and makeup. He bends to your eye level, his fingers trailing gently on your cheek. Your eyes look at him, sadness and exhaustion prominent. “Come on, let’s get you to bed,” he sighs, straightening up.

Any way to distract and sedate

Adding shadows to the walls of the cave

You swirled the ice in the glass, closing your eyes as the frozen liquid bounces against the solid. You wash the remaining liquid down, not even daring to flinch from the burning sensation it provides. You set the glass down gently, your hands shaking slightly. The bags under your eyes tell more than enough of the sleep that you’ve been getting recently.

“Hey, lady, we’re closing soon. Do you want me to call a cab or do you have anyone you could call?” the man behind the bar asks, his voice almost irritated. You look up, your eyes freezing on the phone behind the bar.

“Can I just use the phone?” you ask and the man seems almost surprised by how sober you appear. He nods hesitantly, just then taking in your distressed state. You stand up, walking around the bar slowly, reaching your hand up to the phone. You press in the numbers to the tower’s phone, praying somebody picks up. A voice registers through the phone, your brain hazy and unable to place it.

“Hello?” you sigh in relief.

“Hi, is this Thor? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I need a ride back to the tower because I’m just a little drunk. I had a lot of margaritas, they’re pretty good. But yeah, can you get like Bucky to grab me? Don’t tell Steve, he’ll kill me. I’m already in trouble,” you mumble through the speaker, your head resting on the wall.

“Yeah, sure,” it responds and you hum in satisfaction.

You don’t really remember waiting. Or hanging up the phone. All you really remember is the amount of anger and frustration that ripped into your body at the sight of the person at the door. You knew you had let out a sob of what you could only assume as shock once you spotted his dark hair and rough jaw. You remembered the look of despair in his eyes once he saw you, hunched over the bar.

“Oh, Odin,” he had sighed once shooting a thankful look to the bartender, receiving only a concerned nod. “Love, what have I done to you?” he asks, a hand dragging over his face. He bends down, his hands grasping at your frame. You don’t resist, letting him pull your body into his embrace.

You and I nursing on a poison that never stung

Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it

Loki’s hands carefully set you down, unbuckling and pulling off your heels gently, attempting to not wake you as he throws them somewhere near the door. You only grumble and turn into the comfort of your mattress in your unconscious shake. Loki tugs on the comforter, pulling it over your body, tucking it underneath your chin. He sighs at your state, pushing his hair back.

He pulls away from the bed, turning back to the door. He freezes once meeting face to face with two very concerned and very angry looking assassins. He looks between the two, before attempting to pass by, only to be blocked.

“Loki, we need to talk,” the red head spoke, her voice soft as to not disturb you, but an underlying threat was held in the air, all three sensing it. Loki nodded stiffly, glancing back at your sleeping form. The two figures start walking, not waiting for Loki to close the door to your room before moving. They enter the kitchen, the lights remaining off. They sit silently at the table. None of them want the lights on.

“What do you want with her?” Bucky sighs, his flesh hand threading through his hair, pushing it out of his face. He looks as the god stays silent, barely moving. The only sign he receives of Loki hearing his question is a clenched fist. “Please, Loki. This isn’t something that we would usually get involved in, but,” Bucky trails off, his voice hanging as if tied onto a thread. All three know why they have become involved.

“We’re just really worried about her. When she’s not working, she’s drinking, and when she’s not drinking, she’s working. I haven’t seen her smile in weeks,” Natasha spoke delicately, but with precision. She knows how to use words to her advantage and she’s damn good at it. She watches as Loki’s facial expression tightens in the slightest at her words, a sense of satisfaction washing over her. She knows how to torture in all ways possible.

They don’t speak for a while, all three sitting in the darkness of the kitchen with only city lights to illuminate them. But they know an answer is coming. They know Loki needs to talk and they especially know he won’t leave without the last word.

“I,” Loki’s voice falls, the silver tongue no more. He stumbles, his mouth opening and closing, stuck in time as if unable to speak. “I don’t know,” he says, honestly. All three are shocked at his response, questioning when the last time he said that phrase was. The assassins exchange uneasy looks before continuing.

“Do you want to hurt her?” Natasha now asks, taking note of Loki’s jaw ticking as he looks away, his attention focused on the glass. When he looks back, his eyes have a sheen over them, one that tells too much of pain.

“I don’t know,” he says more assuredly this time, his voice cracking.

“What do you want with her?” Bucky repeats, his voice still soft and careful, knowing he should tread lightly on this topic.

“I don’t know,” Loki bursts out, his hand coming to pound once on the wood. His breaths are loud as all in the room stills. “Ever since I met her,” he swallows thickly, his throat suddenly feelings like sawdust. “Ever since I met her, I don’t know anything. I don’t know why I feel like this all the time or why the fuck anything she does or I do matters. It never did before, so why the hell should it now? I thought, you know, maybe it’s just the fact that she’s really fucking good at sex. But it’s not. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know where it came from. The only thing I know right now is that I want her. Oh, gods, you have no clue how bad I want her,” he grits his teeth, his voice breaking and his eyes slamming shut at the last phrase. “I want her more than anything I’ve ever desired, and it’s even worse that I can’t have her. That I can’t tell her anything I want to say or I can’t do any of the things for her that she deserves.” The pair don’t respond for a while, just surveying the situation silently. They watch how Loki’s figure has gone from stoic and collected to a trembling and uneasy mess. This was not the Loki Odinson they knew. He had been brought down by a woman with no more than words.

Somewhere for this, death and guns

We are deaf, we are numb

Free and young and we can feel none of it

“Why can’t you have her?” Natasha finally asks, her voice breaking the tension. Loki laughs, the sound hollow and humorless. He looks back between the two.

“Isn’t it obvious? One of us is going to die one day. This job isn’t over and it won’t ever be over. No matter if I go and build a farm out in the middle of nowhere and start a family. The end of this all hasn’t happened yet, but it will. And it’s a hell lot easier leaving with no strings. If she ever comes to find out that I’m anything more than the man I seem, and if she ever somehow decides I’m worth anything, that’ll hurt her more than anything else and I can’t hurt her anymore,” Loki looks between the two, either ignoring or not noticing the tears that have escaped his eyes.

“You’re such an idiot,” Bucky grits out, his metal hand now clenching as the plates on it whir. His eyes are dark and narrowed, only rage evident. “She’s already decided you’re worth more than anything she’ll ever know. She’s wrecking herself right now because you’re making it impossible for her to ever be in your life. You may be right that leaving is a hell lot easier with no strings attached. But what you don’t realize is that it’s worth it. That she’s worth it. She would kill herself before she let anything even touch you, but I don’t know if you would do the same,” Bucky finally chokes out, the silence following filling up the space like a wall.

“If I ever am the reason she gets hurt,” the god starts. “If anything ever happens to her out there, and if it’s ever my fault, oh fuck,” he stops, his eyes going back to find the skyline.

“When will you get it through your thick skull that something already has happened? Loki, she’s killing herself. She’s drinking and working herself to death. The last mission she was on nearly killed her and had her in the medical ward for a week. Don’t pretend you didn’t know about that,” Natasha spits, a dangerous mixture of venom and worry lacing together.

“What do I do?” Loki asks, burying his head in his hands, his elbows digging into the table.

“We’re not going to walk you through this. This is your doing and you’re smart and capable. But, for starters, be there for her. You owe her that at the very least,” Bucky says, his eyebrows furrowed together, his metal hand now relaxed.

Something isn’t right, babe

I keep catching little words but the meaning’s thin

You groan, your eyes squeezing tighter as a wave of pain greets you. You try to roll over, only grunting once met with more pain. You pry your eyes open, expecting to meet an eyeful of sunshine, surprised to see your curtains closed. You glance around the room, ignoring the waves of dizziness that run at you. Your eyes land on the chair in your corner, a much too large figure propped uncomfortably in the chair, his eyes closed and breathing deep.

“Loki?” you ask, your voice scratchy and burning. Your voice isn’t loud, but its enough to wake the sleeping figure. He stirs, his eyes slowly opening, trained on you. “What are you doing here?” you ask, grumbling as you flop back down on the bed, regretting your actions as a fresh wave of pain rushes to your head.

“I,” he stops himself, eyes glancing around the room yet avoiding you. He sighs, his head drooping and his eyes succumbing to your figure. “I was worried about you,” he whispers and your breath hitches slightly, not expecting the honesty. Maybe a tired Loki is an open book.

“What happened last night? I don’t really remember much,” you mumble, closing your eyes tightly. You rub your eyes with your fists, regretting that quickly as the crustiness of your mascara makes you shiver in disgust.

“You drank. A lot. You called and I picked you up. We had sex,” he says and you roll your eyes, grabbing a pillow and chucking it the best you could at his figure.

“That’s the one thing you can’t lie about. I know how big your dick is and what that means afterwards,” you laugh softly, your heart clenching once hearing an equally soft chuckle emit from the god’s throat. The corners of your lips tug upwards a bit. This was nice. As much as you hated to admit it and as much as you probably should be complaining about your head, you couldn’t help the thought. You loved this moment. Laughing quietly in your room, nothing to disturb you. No lust in the air; just content.

I’m somewhere outside my life, babe

I keep scratching but somehow I can’t get in

“She wasn’t you,” he says after a while of silence and you furrow your brows, knowing exactly what he was talking about.

“Please, don’t,” you almost whimper and you want to slap yourself for seeming so pathetic. “I don’t think I can handle it.”

“I tried to find you. I tried so badly. I thought maybe you would be in her somewhere, but you weren’t. You were so far away,” his voice is barely audible, and you hate the familiar prickling of tears that now fills up behind your eyes.

“Loki, stop, please,” you begged, your voice cracking. You missed the content. You missed the past.

“I miss you, dear gods, I miss you. You have no clue how much I want to be yours and how much I want you to be mine,” he says and your eyes open, staring at the ceiling, salty tears trailing down your temples. You want to sob, but it won’t come. You’re out of sobbing.

“You don’t,” you say, your voice trembling.

“Yes, I do-”

“Loki, you don’t want me,” you hiss, sitting up abruptly, ignoring the overbearing amount of pain that washes over your consciousness. “If you wanted me, if you even cared about me, you wouldn’t have done this. You wouldn’t have. I don’t blame you, I really don’t. Please don’t make me hate myself anymore,” your voice is pleading and breaking at every chance it gets. Loki’s eyes are no longer those of a god. They’re sad, overwhelmingly sad. They’re more mortal and penetrable than anything else you’ve ever seen.

You both stay silent, watching each other, tears mixing with tension that flies between you two. You look away first, somehow feeling like you’re losing this game. Like you already handed the competition over to him.

“I am not what you deserve, nor what you believe me to be. I’m not a god and I’m not a man. I’m not a Jotun. I’m much weaker than those. If I wasn’t so weak, I would take this away in a split second. But to be honest, I don’t know how. I don’t know anything anymore. I just know you,” a sob tears its way out of your chest. “I know what you look like when you’re exhausted. When you’re angry or happy. You’re smile makes my stomach hurt and I don’t know anything else. I know exactly how you like your tea, or your coffee. I know when you’re feeling down by just a look. I know what socks you wear whenever you start your cycle. I know how long you could go on and on about life, and how wondrous you find the little things. I know exactly what song you play whenever it’s far too late in the night and you’re just feeling off. I know you. And I don’t know anything else. Every single time I see you, I swear, nothing else exists. It’s only you. And I’m sorry I can’t be the same for you,” his voice is cut off by your lips attaching onto his, a salty but warm taste filling your mouths.

You’ve kissed before. So many times, most lost in passion and alcohol late at night. And to be fully honest, this wasn’t all too different from the others, but something felt a little more matured. A little more welcoming.

Something a little less sedated and a lot more like home.

So we’re slaves to any semblance of touch

Lord we should quit but we love it too much

[eldritchsurveys]

125.

Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? >> I’ve probably been hugged for a minute or more, but outside of headspace I usually don’t initiate that kind of experience.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? >> Sure, if I had a concept in mind.

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? >> Yeah, if I notice I’ve been texted.

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before? >> At some point, probably.

Have you ever searched for your house on Google Earth? >> Nope.

How old do you look? >> According to various other people I’ve asked, I look anywhere from 23 to 27 years old.

Do you like movie nights? >> I mean, I like movies and I like watching them at night...

Is there a trampoline in your backyard? >> No backyard.

Does the thought of having children scare you? >> Yes, which is why I wouldn’t actually have any.

Are you nice to everyone? >> No.

Would you rather date someone older than you or younger? >> I tend to be attracted to people older than me, but my primary SO is younger than me, so, you know.

Are you excited for anything happening in the next week? >> We’re going to Chicago on Friday to see Hozier, which should be a good time.

What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? >> I don’t know, maybe poke around on tumblr for a bit or go play more Mass Effect Andromeda.

Who did you talk to on the phone last? >> ---

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? >> That’s the plan.

Think back five months ago, were you single? >> No.

Does anyone call you babe? >> Yes.

Does it make you uncomfortable when you receive a compliment? >> Nope.

Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? >> Ricky Whittle...? Heh.

Do you have trust issues? >> Eh, I don’t think so. I’ve been given plenty of occasion to develop them, but so far I think I’m just going to be more cautious about the kind of people I let into my life.

Do you like your toes? >> I have no opinion on them. But I just saw the Shameless episode where Frank casually amputated Debbie’s nearly-necrotic toes for her while she was passed out on painkillers and vodka (Liam was supposed to be doing it, but Liam’s like 6 and he passed out from the thought lmao). It was just so funny to me.

When you are home alone at night and hear strange noises, are you afraid someone is going to break in? >> Nah, that’s not usually the thing to cross my mind.

Do you wake up cranky? >> Not usually. It’s most likely to happen if I didn’t get enough sleep.

What is on your wrists right now? >> Nothing.

Are you a beach, country, or city person? >> I like all of these things.

Where do you prefer to sit when you catch the bus? >> The first window seat on the elevated level in the back. If you found a full tube of lipgloss on the ground, would you pick it up and keep it or would you throw it away? >> I wouldn’t do anything with it, most likely.

Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? >> Not usually.

Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? >> I mean, Sparrow’s always on her phone, but I figure that has more to do with ADHD than anything else, so there’s no point in me taking it personally. Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who had bad taste in music? >> I don’t even know what “bad taste in music” means. I respect whatever music anyone likes. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? >> *shrug* Think about the last person you kissed - was it the very first time that you kissed them? >> Nope. Who is your favourite character from Friends? >> I don’t have one. How would you deal with a significant other who cried all the time? >> I’d be at a complete loss of how to deal with that.  When somebody tells you they’re going to have a shower. Do you automatically picture them naked? >> Depends on who it is. If I’m attracted to them, then you’re damn right I’m gonna picture it at least for a second. Otherwise, nah. When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? >> No. When you have a song stuck in your head, does listening to that song make it go away, or just does it just make it worse? >> Usually that just... refreshes the earworm. Listening to other things usually helps (although sometimes that just changes the earworm to whatever I listened to). Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? >> No. Do you think blondes are stupid, honestly? >> No. Do you love where you live? >> No. Last person you were on the phone with for more than 20 minutes? >> --- Would you go out in public looking like you do now? >> No, I’d change my clothes. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? >> I don’t remember where I got this. So, what do you want for your birthday? >> My birthday isn’t until next May, I’m not thinking that far ahead. Did you sleep alone last night? >> No. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? >> No. Has anyone ever sang to you? >> Yep. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? >> That’s the plan. How was your weekend? >> Last weekend was fine. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? >> No. How do you feel right now? >> Not as tired as I expected to feel. Neutral. Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other? >> Yes. Interested in anyone at the moment? >> Yes. If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be? >> --- If you could make your lips bigger, would you? >> No. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? >> Yeah, Can Calah and King Crimson. Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house? >> No. Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person? >> No. Do you reply to all of your texts? >> The ones that require my response, or that I have a reply to, yes. Could you last in a relationship for over a year? >> Yes.

Do you like your name? >> Sure, I like all of them. Who is your most trusted person? >> --- When you like someone are you happy about it? >> I guess? Like, it doesn’t depress me.... Are you happy with life right now? >> I’m happy to be alive. Does the person you like like someone else? >> Sparrow likes Hozier. LMAO

Do you ever feel like someone would be disappointed to see your body or are you comfortable with your body enough where you don’t think that? >> I don’t know how someone else would react to seeing my body. That’s not a predictable thing, everyone has preferences and what-not, so maybe my body would suit some people’s preferences and not suit others’. That doesn’t mean I have a great or a terrible body, it’s just what the individual is into.

What is your favorite flavor of Monster? >> I don’t like Monster.

Have you ever ran from the police? >> No.

Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? >> Yeah.

Do you follow rules or break them? >> I mean, that depends on the rule.

Do you have any trophies? >> No.

Do you work out? >> No.

What does your wallet look like? >> I use a David Bowie coinpurse as a wallet.

Do you have any hickeys on you? >> No.

Are your socks currently matching or are they odd? >> I’m not wearing socks.

What’s the name of your current, if not current, most recent ex? >> Hallie.

When did you last have sex with your ex? >> I don’t remember, it’s been years.

How late did you stay up last night? >> I don’t think I was awake much longer past 11p.

How did you get any of your scars? >> Burned myself on a motorcycle exhaust pipe.

Does putting others down make you feel better? >> No.

Would you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? >> No.

Rate your self confidence: 1 being insecure and 10 being cocky: >> I don’t know how to assign a numerical value to a constantly shifting and situation-dependent concept.

Does your family have a secret? >> There’s plenty of skeletons in their closets.

Do you lie when asked how you’re doing? >> No, I just don’t really know how to answer other than the standard response.

Do you like to take pictures of yourself? >> Yes.

If someone gave you a houseplant, would you keep it? >> I mean, I’d question why they were giving me one in the first place, considering I haven’t expressed desire for one. I have no idea what I’d do with it if I couldn’t give it back.

When/where are you most likely to sing? >> In the shower.

Are you in shape or more out of shape? >> I don’t know. I feel like I’m more out of shape than usual, because I don’t get out as much as I used to when I lived in the city.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? >> Yeah.

Would you ever wish to explore a cave? >> Sure, why not.

Do you like wearing shoes? Or prefer to go barefoot? >> I don’t like wearing shoes indoors.

If you had a son right now, what would you name him? >> ---

Do you own a desktop or a laptop? >> I own two laptops. One of them might as well be a desktop, for as heavy and full of peripherals he is.

What do your friends call you? >> Rev, generally.

Who was the last person you spoke to before you went to sleep last night? >> Sparrow. Or Can Calah.

Have you kissed more than three guys this year? >> Not in meatspace.

Do you have any tattoos or piercings? >> I have both.

Who’s with you? >> Aside from inworlders, no one.

Can you use chopsticks? >> Yes.

Do you believe in yourself? >> Sometimes, sometimes not.

How are you in arguments? >> Sometimes I represent myself well, sometimes I don’t.

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? >> It depends on the person doing the joking, I think. Sparrow can pretty much crack on me about anything if she wanted to, because I trust that she isn’t either prejudiced or malicious.

Do you think there are circumstances when it’s okay to wait for someone? >> Sure, I guess. I wouldn’t know, so I couldn’t pass judgement.

What would you do if you had a baby with the last person you kissed? >> ---

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? >> Yep.

Is love really worth fighting for? >> If you’re going to fight for something, it might as well be that, sure.

Your phone is ringing. It’s your ex. What do you say? >> My ex doesn’t have my phone number, so that’d be strange.

Do you think the last person you kissed cares for you? >> Absolutely.

Have you broken the law in the last three days? >> No.

Was last night terrible? >> Nope.

Are any of your texts in your inbox locked? >> No.

If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard, could you still type? >> Yeah, I’m a touch-typer.

Do you have a bad temper? >> No.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? >> Yes.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? >> Yes. Sparrow won’t pull out the parking spot if I don’t put my seatbelt on, lmao.

Do you currently have a scar? >> I have many scars.

You’ve had sex within these past ten days, haven’t you? >> Inworld, absolutely.

What bed did you sleep in last night? >> Ours.

[mhuchette15-blog]

Hozier: Singer-Songwriter or Activist?

I first heard Hozier at a music festival in Maryland a few summers ago. I decided to take the opportunity during what I thought was a filler act to grab something to eat before the main acts came on.  Little did I know that after his first song the hundreds of people within just 50 feet of me would be asking their friends who the guy performing was and gushing about his incredible voice.  Soon after the festival the impression of his performance fell to the depths of my memory and until the following summer, while on a road trip with my dad, it remained there. The peaceful catchy lyrics and calming melody of Take Me To Church drew me in once again and it became my favorite song for the next few months.  I went on a church mission trip a few weeks later and introduced it to my friends and they quickly became obsessed too.  We listened to it on repeat, only to find out later what the song is all about…

The lyrics:

The first time few times I heard Take Me To Church I took the lyrics for what they were at the surface level and I’m sure most of the other people at the festival were doing the same and paying more attention to the overall sound.  It wasn’t until I was in a car full of Catholics on my mission trip that I realized what Hozier was actually trying to present with his lyrics.  I’ve faced similar situations to this one, especially when in the car with my mom and a song like “Side to Side” comes on and finally the dirty lyrics hit me. Then the rest of the song is occupied by me debating changing the station and bringing more attention to it or waiting it out and hoping my mom isn’t actually listening to the lyrics. So, not surprisingly,  it took a full car of Catholics and some self-reflection for me to realize that Take Me To Church was written specifically against the church and its anti-gay ideals.  

Hozier wrote the song after longstanding frustration with the Catholic Church’s homophobic preaching’s and failure to accept same sex couples, even when the rest of the world seemed to be becoming more tolerant.  He expresses his message by comparing love and the church and by pointing out the differences between them.  In the context of the speaker being gay, the song alludes to the idea that his partner has been loving and accepting whereas the church has not. Since the Catholic church has a very strong belief that same sex couples are sinful and that a real relationship in God’s eyes is between a man and a woman, he will never be accepted by the church as a gay individual.  One strongest messages in this song is in the chorus:

“Take me to church

I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies

I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life”

Here, Hozier is expressing his overall frustration with the church in that many individuals go to church, worship God’s teachings even if they believe some of them are lies, and confess their sins so they can be forgiven, but as long as that individual is gay the church will never accept him and will believe that he is living his life in sin.  This contrasts with the idea that the speaker’s lover is accepting of who he is no matter the insignificant details of his life.

The speaker states that

“Ever Sunday’s getting more bleak

A fresh poison each week”

which shows his growing frustration over time with the church and the “poison” that they preach every week during sermons and readings. Following the progression through the song as a timeline the speaker beings to stand up for his “illness” that the church believes he has when he says

“I was born sick But I love it Command me to be well”.

This shows that the speaker is stating that although the church believes he is “sick” and demands that he be cured of his illness to be accepted, he loves who he is and is happy with his sexuality.  He believes that the church is on “a fine-looking high horse” which ultimately shows that he believes the church thinks that they are above homosexuals and that if they got off their pedestal they would understand that they are real people too and that they should be treated just like any human being.  The phrase “There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle skin” shows that Hozier believes that homosexuality is something that is slightly different about some people but is not as big of a deal as the church sees it to be.  Someone being gay is an innocent part of their life that should not be seen as a sin and that the church should learn to accept it.  

The bridge of the song:

“In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene

Only then I am human

Only then I am clean”

exposes the brutality of the church to only see a homosexual as a real person after they have died and been buried because then they are not living in sin anymore.

Take Me To Church made it to Number 2 on the top charts when it first hit the radio, but most people probably didn’t grasp Hozier’s message at first.  Although the message is strong and important, if he had made the message more clear and surface level, then people could have been quick to reject it if they do not agree with his support.  However, his ability to mask the real message and leave it up to the interpretation of the listener allowed the song to gain popularity.  Although some people believe that popular artists shouldn’t present their political and social opinions in their music, when they express them in metaphor like Hozier did it allows for more people to relate and create their own opinions and beliefs about the song without being smothered by the artist’s agenda.

The music video:

While drafting ideas for the music video for Take Me To Church, Hozier decided that he did not want it to be strictly against the church, but rather express more about his personal beliefs on equal rights for people of all sexual orientations.  The anti-gay movement is not exclusive to the Catholic church, but also is present in certain political groups and individuals themselves.  By incorporating religious, political, and social rejection of homosexuality, Hozier is able to further reach his campaigning and show the more widespread effects and presence of homophobia.

The storyline of the video is that of two men who are deeply in love but cannot expose their relationship out of fear of being harmed by members of the anti-gay movement.  In the scene at 1:30 a TV screen is shown with what could be a protest in Russia to fight for gay rights after Putin enacted laws to criminalize homosexuality.  The violence of the hooded men is rather ironic because they are burning down homes and jumping men just because they do not agree with their actions and way of life, but their violent actions are condemned by many as well.  This can be related to the irony of the church’s disapproval that the lyrics present in that the church is supposed to be a loving and accepting place for people to seek solace but instead many are faced with repudiation and struggle when it comes to being a member of the church.

I didn’t immediately watch the video when it came out, but it quickly gained popularity on YouTube and is currently up to 140,000,000 views.  It got a lot of attention for the message that it presented and received both backlash and praise.  If you read the comments on YouTube there is a mix of people thanking Hozier for speaking up and bringing the problems with homophobia to the attention of the public, and a fair amount of people ridiculing him for his opinions and activism.  

LeBron James Beats commercial:

The big take away of Take Me To Church’s lyrics and music video is that everyone should accept themselves for who they are and embrace their qualities. Love is a great way to claim your individuality and find people who appreciate you for who you are rather than who they want you to be.  In 2014 Beats released a TV advertisement featuring LeBron James who had just announced that he would be leaving Miami and going to play for his home team of the Cleveland Cavaliers. He faced a lot of backlash from fans around the country, but the people in his hometown welcomed him back.  This instance is a prime example of how in certain situations we have both people that support our choices and people, like the church, who will not accept us for who we are and what we want to do.  

By choosing Take Me To Church to feature in this advertisement, Beats was able to promote their product in a serious manner and appeal to people’s emotions.  As you can see from the ad, walking through his old high school and looking at his Akron tattoo makes LeBron feel comfortable and at peace with his decision.  The intertwining of Hozier’s message to embrace who you are and find love that will help you reclaim your humanity and LeBron’s actual steps to pursue that makes the ad that much more effective.  By incorporating LeBron’s story and the somber and meaningful lyrics of the song, the advertisers were able to make the world feel as though they can use their product when following their heart along the path it wants.  

On a more surface level interpretation of the product itself, the wireless aspect of the earphones can be related to the severing of ties to something that might tie you down.   This can be related to the song because the message can also be seen as telling us to sever ties that hold us back from being who we really are, and being free to live the lives we want.

Hozier as an activist: 

Hopefully the discussion and interpretation of the lyrics and music video of Take Me To Church has brought light to the admirable activism that Hozier takes part in.  I find the balance that he maintains between amazing music and self-purpose incredible because there are many artists that put too much of themselves in the music, and others that seem distant from it.  Take Me To Church is not Hozier’s only song that deals with issues that he wants to bring to the attention of the public.  His song Cherry Wine deals with relationship abuse and how problematic it can be for both the abuser and the abusee when neither of them do anything to stop it and no one steps in.  Although these are just a few of Hozier’s songs that currently have an activist vibe, I’m sure he will later find more causes that he wants to support and incorporate that into his future albums.

References: 

The New York Times

Harvey Fierstein

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/22/opinion/russias-anti-gay-crackdown.html