#however I REFUSE to write it until I make progress on other stuff

[pixiemage]

Someone needs to write a fic where Shubble does, in fact, turn Tango into a toad by mistake, and the only way to turn him back is with a kiss. This, of course, would lead to Tango sheepishly claiming he “can’t think of anyone who would want to kiss him” and Grian finding out and teasingly suggesting Jimmy, only for Tango to declare that he “likes being a toad, actually, this is fine!” And then when Shubble manages to drag toad!Tango over to Tumble Town to ask Jimmy to help, Jimmy just blushes but he doesn’t exactly say no and–

(In other words, Tango and Jimmy didn’t get together during Double Life, but they both wanted to. They just never got up the nerve to say anything before the game ended. And then Tango gets turned into a toad and Jimmy wants to kiss him anyway.)

[slowandsteddie]

Lazy Petals

AO3

Okay. This work is NOT completed. I cannot guarantee an update schedule because only the first chapter is completed. However, I DO have everything plotted out (assuming it doesn’t get a mind of its own) and the goal is to be 50k+ words.

This story is very personal to me. I’ve taken my grandparents love/live story and made it Steddie. The characters are going to be OOC. Just letting you know right off the bat in case that is something you aren’t interested in. Also, this is a No Upsidedown AU.

My grandparents were immediately obsessed with each other, but didn’t date until after they had graduated high school. Which means that while this isn’t a slow burn, it is going to be slower than the stuff I usually write.

I don’t want to give too, too much stuff away. There there is a post where I described the main highlights and asked your opinion on reading it. There is also a poll where I asked if I should start posting before it was finished, and I got a pretty definite yes.

I saved the divider that I plan on using for this series back when I first started talking about it. I have since lost my note that told me whom to give credit to. If you know who made it (or know how to find that information on mobile!!) please let me know.

I think that’s enough of a preamble. Without further ado, here be the CW’s and the first 3,489 words.

Content Warnings: Steve was hit by a car and in a full body cast for over a year - he makes a bowling joke about it, his parents are very distant, his grandparents got very distant after his injury and he doesn’t understand why, Wayne is very careful while babysitting to make sure that no one can accuse him of being inappropriate, mentions of his mom overmedicating him so he’s easier to deal with, mentions of how weak he got from being in the cast. And as always, let me know if I missed anything.

Steve didn’t remember much about that night.

His mother said that it was a blessing and refused to fill in any blanks for him under any circumstances.

His father, however, if he had drunk enough whiskey, would look at the six year old Steve as though he were a much older man and sigh before telling him anything he wanted to know.

Which meant that Steve knew that the car that hit him swerved in order to do so. (He didn’t know if the lady in the little blue car did it on purpose, or if she was a distracted driver. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know that.) He knew that she had to have been going over forty miles per hour because the impact sent him flying at least a dozen feet before he slammed into that bus stop. He knew that the driver kept going and that at least half a dozen people ran to his aid and that one of the women had screamed because he was unconscious and she was so certain that he was dead. His little body was so broken and bloody and they couldn’t see him breathe.

He also knew that his father got to his hospital room before his mother, sweat pouring down the older male’s body as though he had showered in his clothes because he had run there from work. His mother showed up over twenty minutes later, all put together like she had taken the time to clean herself up before appearing. Something his father wasn’t sure if he could forgive her for. (This was one of the few times that his father would express just how much that he loved Steve, and he would carry that warmth with him forever.)

He knew that they had to revive him four times, that they had done twelve surgeries, that they had put him in a full body cast because nearly every bone in his body had been broken, including parts of his spine. He knew that his parents had been told that he would likely never walk again. He knew that a specialist had pulled his father aside to inform him that his brain wouldn’t develop normally after all of the trauma that it had been through after being smacked around in his skull. They’d have to be careful, and that they’d have to understand if he never progressed much past the age that he was now. That he could be in his fifties and still acting five and that there was nothing that could be done beyond what they had already done – remove a small part of bone behind his ear to help relieve the pressure and pray for the best while preparing for the worst.

And, while he couldn’t remember the absolute agony that he must have been in. He did have the descriptions that he used to tell his father. That there was lava in his veins and his bones were shards of ice cold glass threatening to tear him apart completely. His father had only told him that part once, with tears in his eyes. “There wasn’t anything I could do to help you, boy. I couldn’t take the pain away. I would have died to save you even a fraction of that.”

That was one of the few times that he could remember his dad hugging him. He had been so careful and gentle while pressing his face into his hair. He inhaled deeply and he cried. And Steve had done his best to hug him back despite the plaster that made it near-impossible to move his arms at all.

At first, Steve had thought that it was really cool to be stuck in bed all the time. He didn’t have to do anything. That got boring within a week and he still had at least a year ahead of him where he was meant to stay in bed unless he was in the bathroom or at a doctor’s appointment.

Even eating in bed, something that had once been unacceptable and even punishable before, lost its novelty pretty quickly.

He liked having his mom read him notes from the teacher and his classmates. He liked her reading him his homework assignments and writing down his answers for him so that he would still be on track. It made him feel like an important man, like his dad was going to be, with a secretary.

The thing is, though, that he really missed going outside. He missed playing in the woods outside of the trailer park where he lived. He missed going to his grandparents house with the pool and the stairs that he’d probably never be able to walk again. He could climb them, though, after the cast was removed. He was pretty sure. He might not have a lot of muscle left at that point, but that would just mean that he was lighter and had less to have to move anyway.

When Steve brought that up to his mother, her lips would turn into a very tight, thin line and something he couldn’t name would flash in her eyes. “You are not going to go to that house any time soon, young man. It’s best to let those ideas go.”

“But I miss Grandma Marty and Grandpa Pete, and they won’t come here,” he whined.

“The Harrington’s won’t come to the trailer park and you know that.”

“We’re Harrington’s too,” he’d say defiantly.

She’d leave the room at that. Effectively ending an argument that they had had multiple times before. But what else did Steve have to talk about? He didn’t really have anyone else to talk to either, other than their neighbor that he had taken to calling Mister Wayne.

Wayne was probably a few years older than his dad and lived alone in a trailer that had always seemed so lively despite the quiet man who lived in it. He always had the tv or the radio on when he was home and Steve lived for that. Because his window was always cracked open for the breeze, which meant the sound could drift to him as well.

It was better than the quiet of his house that only seemed to get broken up with arguments and slamming doors. He was so used to it, but he still flinched every time and did his best to pull the blanket over his head as though that would muffle the sounds.

Sometimes, Wayne would come to his window and read him a book that his own nephew liked. The Hobbit. Steve fell in love with the adventure of it, and Wayne never seemed to mind reading him the same book over and over, a few pages at a time while he smoked.

More often than not, Wayne was the one who came over to babysit once he noticed that Steve had been left alone. He never once complained about it, never once gave someone else the chance despite all the ladies who would come over with food. And wine for his mom, when they could spare it.

Sometimes, Wayne would talk about his nephew. He was a scrawny kid, a few years older than Steve, named Eddie. Had a dark mop of long curly hair, and eyes that always seemed to have mischief in them. They’d like each other, Wayne was pretty sure, and he’d introduce them the next time that Eddie came to visit.

Steve would want to ask when that would be, but he never did. He had Mister Wayne and that was more than enough for him. His dad was staying later at the office, trying to prove that he deserved that promotion that would get them the hell out of the trailer park, without his parents' money. His mother was getting into yoga and book clubs, and Steve was being left alone a lot. Because, what kind of trouble could he get into when he was stuck in bed? Besides, the neighbors could hear if he shouted for anything and Wayne seemed very invested in making sure that he was okay.

Steve never knew why the older man made sure that his curtains were always wide open and that his light was on so that others could see that he was reading to him, or talking with him, from a chair that was always at least three feet away. Maybe it was so they would know he wasn’t alone? He wasn’t going to ask about it, not wanting to chance scaring away the one adult who never raised his voice at him, who never abandoned him when things got hard like his grandparents seemed to.

Months went by like this. His parents not being home, his grandparents not even calling about him, and Wayne doing his best to fill in the difference despite his own job. The other neighbors would come on occasion, but Steve was very sullen with them where he would laugh with Wayne. That didn’t deter them from coming over as he would have liked, and begrudgingly he found himself becoming friendly with a few of them.

It was the beginning of summer when Steve was finally able to get the casts removed. His father took him to the appointment, and he tried to not be disappointed that his mother wasn’t there at first. By the time he was wheeled out to the front of the office, though, his mother was sitting where his father had been.

He did his best to not look at himself. He was pale and scrawny and kind of stinky from not being able to wash himself properly because of all the plaster that had basically covered him for over a year. Most of his bones had healed great, according to the doctor. He wouldn’t know because he still hadn’t looked.

His father came back from wherever he had been, paid the bill with tight lips, and then took Steve out to the car. His mother helped him into the seat before covering him with a blanket that he was grateful for. It wasn’t that he was cold, he just didn’t want the chance to look at himself yet. He wanted to do that when he was home, where if he broke down and cried, no one else would know. Or, he wouldn’t have to see them knowing in any case. And that was enough for him.

They stopped for ice cream on the way and Steve asked for a small strawberry cone. Strawberry wasn’t his favorite, but it was what Grandma Marty had all the time, and he missed her even though she didn’t acknowledge him anymore. Wouldn’t answer his calls, wouldn’t call him back. He didn’t even know if she got the letters that Wayne had helped him write.

When they got home, Wayne wasn’t home. Not for the first time, Steve found himself deeply upset by that. He’d never voice it. Adults had responsibilities outside of him. And he knew that he only got about an hour with Wayne a day, maybe two if he was incredibly lucky.

His father came to help him out of the car, because he had more muscle if Steve should happen to fall. He clung to his father’s arm with all the strength that could muster as he walked like a baby giraffe toward their trailer. Well, he called it walking. It was more like wiggling his lower spine and hips while throwing his legs forward. After maybe five steps like that, he found himself being lifted into his father’s impatient arms as he was carried the rest of the way in and sat on the couch.

“Thank you,” Steve said instead of complaining about not being able to use his legs. He had wanted to walk, to prove that he could.

His father simply grunted in response before going to the kitchen to grab a drink. The same way he always did when he was home for the night.

His mother was inside a few minutes behind them, having stopped to talk to a neighbor briefly. She looked at Steve on the couch and tilted her head at him with a calculating look in her eyes.

“Would you like a bath?”

“Yes, please.”

This time, Steve did get to walk on his own two feet to the destination. He was leaning heavily on the wall, almost gripping on to it with one hand as he practically threw himself forward. He was breathless by the time that he got to the bathroom and pain seemed to radiate out through his entire body, starting at his tail bone.

“You can have some meds after your bath,” his mother said gently. “And I’ll get you your refill before dinner, okay? So you don’t have to worry about running out.”

Steve didn’t think it was time to refill his medicine yet, but he didn’t question it. His mom was on top of it. He was a kid who lost track of time a lot.

He sat on the toilet and he watched his mom prepare the bath for him, knowing that she would only let him have the water a little above room temperature. His skin was sensitive and the steam wouldn’t be good for him with the medicine that he was taking. He couldn’t even have hot food without the steam making him nauseous.

Carefully, he was pulled back to his feet and stripped of his clothes before he was helped into the tub that seemed to be more bubble than water. He sat down carefully, wincing a bit as he did so, before letting himself lean back in the water that felt warmer than it probably was because of his weakened, cool skin.

He sighed in contentment as his mother washed his body for the first time in what seemed like years. He was nearing seven years old and thinking about years in the past, it would make his dad laugh if he shared that thought with him, an idea that made him smile.

His mom washed his hair, tilting his head back and using a hand to make sure that no soap got in his eyes that he had squeezed tight. He got to play in the bubbles for a few minutes, his dad standing at the door as his mom got him some comfy clothes and a towel.

It was his dad who dried him off and helped him get into his clothes.

“Thank you, Daddy,” he said softly. He knew he was expected to thank his dad for everything he did that was above and beyond, which meant he ended up thanking him for everything.

Steve was carried back to his bed, something that he would have whined about if he wasn’t so tired and in so much pain. He was tucked in and his mom came to give him some toast and juice to take his pills with. He knew he was only meant to have one, but he took both that his mother gave him anyway. He washed it away with grape juice and half of the slice of toast she had brought him.

“Thank you, Mommy,” he murmured.

“Get some rest, love,” she replied while kissing his forehead. “You had a big day today.”

Steve nodded in agreement, wishing that it could be that easy to just let the sleep overtake him. He closed his eyes as his mom left the room.

His father checked on him once a day, his mother gave him two pills instead of one, and made sure he at least had breakfast and dinner. One of the neighbors made sure he had lunch and new puzzles to work on, new toys to play with. Steve would wander around the trailer as best as he was able, and Wayne would read to him before he went to bed.

Days turned to weeks like that.

One day, Wayne wasn’t at work and both of Steve’s parents were gone. He wandered over to his bedroom window and opened it wide.

“Mister Wayne, if I can get to the front door, can you help me out?”

His walking was still unsteady and stairs were very difficult for him.

“Are your parents okay with you being outside?” Wayne asked sympathetically.

“Uh. Dad said I could as long as I either finished my puzzle or put it up first.”

Wayne gave him a knowing look. “Okay, you little hellion. But only because I know you’d hurt yourself trying to do it anyway.”

Steve beamed and closed his window most of the way before making his way to the front door. It was a struggle to unlock the door because of the latch chain, but he managed. Wayne was waiting there for him with an unlit cigarette hanging between his lips.

“Getting outside used to be easier,” he sighed before reaching out.

“Maybe it’s the weight of knowing that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be,” Wayne teased as he picked Steve up and set him back down on the ground.

“No idea what that means, but thank you for helping me pass the stairs.” Steve grinned widely, the dirt and grass squishing slightly beneath his toes. It felt so good.

“You’re welcome, brat.”

Steve giggled before doing his version of walking. He took maybe ten steps, very much aware of how closely he was being watched. His breath came a little harder from the effort, the times between walking so close together. Shakily, he sat down as carefully as he was able. Movement caught his attention and made his head snap up to look toward Wayne’s trailer.

“You gotta ghost!” He exclaimed.

Wayne laughed at that, shaking his head. “That’s the nephew I’ve been telling you about. He’s staying with me for awhile. Treat him like a skittish cat until he’s used to ya, and I’m sure y’all would be good friends.”

“Eddie,” Steve said happily. “Can he come out so I can meet him?”

“I’ll send him out after I smoke my cigarette,” he said as he put more distance between them before lighting up.

“Thank you!”

Steve laid down flat on the grass, spreading his arms and legs out as much as he could without the pain becoming unbearable. It wasn’t very far, but he didn’t care. He got to grip the green strands in his fingers. He got to feel the light and heat of the sun soaking into his skin and settling into his bones. He was beyond convinced that the bright yellow thing in the sky was much more healing than the meds that made him feel tingly from his head to his toes.

He must have fallen asleep like that, because next thing he knew he was being awoken by a toe nudging his shoulder. His eyes flashed open and he was met by the most dark, beautiful brown eyes he had ever seen.

“Uncle Wayne said you just got released from the mummy’s curse.”

“He said that?”

“Well. He said your name was Steve and you just got a full body cast removed a few weeks ago.”

“That sounds more like him.”

“So…What happened?”

“A lady tried to go bowling with me and her car. The only pin she knocked down was me.”

Eddie snorted. “Shoulda planted your feet more firmly, she woulda gotten a strike.”

Steve’s lips tugged into the widest smile that he had ever had on his face. “My parents don’t like it when I joke about it.”

“Parents are stupid.”

“Yeah. How long are you stayin’?”

“As long as I can.”

Steve hummed in thought. “You any good at reading out loud?”

“Depends. What book?”

“The Hobbit.”

Eddie’s entire face lit up, his huge smile showing off the chipped front tooth. “My favorite book in the entire world? Yeah, I’m pretty good at reading it out loud.”

“We should read to each other. I have troubles with some words, but I am trying.”

“I’d like having someone to read and play with.”

“Oh, uh. Playing is hard for me right now. I’m still trying to get my strength back.”

“It’s okay. We read The Hobbit, we gotta have a pretty good imagination. We can pretend to play.”

Steve blushed and looked away. He never had someone his own age willing to work around his limitations before.

“I heard about a game with dice where we can talk out stuff and the dice decide how well it goes,” Steve said suddenly.

“Dungeons and Dragons!” Eddie apparently decided that he was tired of standing because he flopped down next to him at that. He rolled around in the grass before eventually settling on his side, propping his head up on his hand. “I can find a way to make that work with just two people.”

“Oh.”

“Turn that frown upside down, friend. I like a challenge. We’ll make this work because it sounds like fun.”

Steve beamed.

Taglist (let me know if you want added or removed! I was just trying to get who I remembered to seem interested!):

@estrellami-1 @eriquin @epiclazershark @morganski-19 @ellaelsinore @y4r3luv @valinwonderland @thespaceantwhowrites @jackiemonroe5512 @spectrum-spectre @princessstevemunson @ghost--enthusiast @gothwifehotchner @kas-eddie-munson @auroraplume @salisbury-at-the-stake @currently-steddiebrainrot @finntheehumaneater @marshmellowpaint @littlewildflowerkitten @perseus-notjackson @sapphirecobalt-1 @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @gloomysoup @anne-bennett-cosplayer

[tacky-jack-with-a-hat]

May we have angsty Texas hc’s? 👁️👁️

*🩴*

*🩴* -thanks for the free sandal.

This made me feel sad when writing it. Some stuff is implied. I may have projected.

Tw: Trauma, implied abuse, angst, (tiny amount of comfort at the end)

• He will occasionally stumble into confusion and horror when something accidentally reminds him of his past but he refuses to speak about it and pretends nothing just happened. Usually he'll cover his neck during the moment and will refuse to speak but he'll wait until he's home to start bawling.

•Drinks too much when he's unhappy but at least Loui's there to comfort him.

•States who are more observant (like NY, and Loui) are aware of his "weird moments" where he shuts down verbally, his face stiffens, his fingers figit, and he'll just stop making eye contact. When this happens the states try to cheer him up by taking him to parties or rodeos but this usually leads to Texas becoming overwhelmed and tense but he fakes the enjoyment to get out of the party sooner.

•Texas is afraid of getting a diagnosis. He doesn't like being seen as "crazy" and he doesn't want a piece of paper to confirm it because then he'll have to confront the idea that everything terrible that's happened to him was because he was "broken" and he "deserved it".

•The only state that knows what Texas is going through is Texas. Specifically, Austin. Compared to the other Cities, Austin is more open and is trying to encourage Texas to open up to others. That's why Austin meets up regularly with a therapist and has tried to get Texas to look for a diagnosis. Texas is still afraid but is trying his best to learn.

•However, Texas and Austin's world collides whenever it comes to Cali. Texas and Cali argue a lot with the stress of some arguments lingering for days and hindering his progression. Austin has tried to explain to Cali that Texas needs time to heal before he can listen but Cali himself is tired of Texas belittling him and making him feel worthless. Austin tries to comfort and support both but ends up like a child in a custody battle, with both sides thinking he loves the other state more.

•Texas is jealous of Cali. It's unclear why but something always tells Texas that Cali has it all figured out and how lucky he is to be an "outsider" who doesn't care what people think. Although it's obvious to everyone else Cali has the emotional stability of a worm in a blender.

•Of course it may be obvious that Texas's parents weren't that great, but neither was his education. He was sent to this religious boarding school to correct his "weird" behaviour but it was unnecessarily cruel. He wasn't allowed to talk to anyone and spent most days staring at a wall. One punishment was to tie his hands behind his back to stop him flapping them when he was stressed. Now his hands only shake or tighten to a fist.

•Texas doesn't have any noticeable scars, but when he feels his bare skin he feels the difference. He doesn't look down at his body and tries to change as fast as he can for this reason.

Bc writing this physically hurt me here's some comfort:

•Texas is a horse girl and the states will buy him horse figures and souvenirs. Everytime he gets one he'll stare at it. He has a large play set of a horse ranch in the statehouse as he can't have his real horses around.

•He and Cali dance to Beyoncé's new album. It doesn't matter if they're in a fight, they'll stop to dance anyway.

•He's a hug magnet. When he lets one state hug him, others will join.

[canmom]

brain operating notes

the thing with ADHD is that it's super paradoxical. I've spent the last 72 hours or so doing almost nothing but making minute tweaks to this fansub, stuff like hand tracking signs in perspective at 800% zoom. it's the 'hyperfocus', and it can feel like a superpower. only the thing is I have no control over when it kicks in and what it chooses to focus on.

I had work to be done on Friday, work I enjoy and is novel and interesting, but this fansub project just jumped into my brain and took over the wheel and said 'you will not do anything else until this is finished'.

this is why the notion of 'executive function' is useful. I think of it like a unifying thing required to both get myself to do a thing that is not particularly novel or engaging in this moment, and to stop myself doing a thing that engages the hyperfocus because I have to eat or whatever. this feels like a finite resource, that gradually replenishes over time.

of course we're all in metaphor here. I don't actually think there's a finite reserve of some substance that I can use to get me to do things that aren't immediately stimulating. but being equipped with this metaphor lets me think of it like... ok, I will let my brain just do its thing and ride the rollercoaster now, so that I can have the wherewithal to do (difficult but important thing) down the line. or, I've been really pushing myself to do stuff recently, I need to take some time to recover the reserves. how good is this model? i'm not sure. probably not great, but it is a model.

anyway things that trigger hyperfocus are a bit arbitrary but common features tend to be...

novel: a thing that I haven't done before is intrinsically exciting - as long as I have some idea of how to get going. in my previous job I'd find excuses to do stuff like 'animate in Blender' or 'hack the graph drawing tool' just to add a bit of spice to rote tasks. thankfully my current job is full of new exciting things.

a steady drip feed of small successes: a big, daunting task is hard to get started on. something that has a clear avenue for recognisable, steady progress is a lot more manageable. 'write the animation controller' is unclear. 'make another animation' feels like progress, and I know where I'm at with it, so I will tend to choose that one given the option.

urgent: if the deadline is imminent and there really is no other option but to crack on with it, the anxiety gives a force multiplier on executive function. which results in a lot of procrastination leading up to mad last minute crunch. it's a pattern that I hate, not least because it's hard to say how long anything will actually take, but is hard to shake.

social: if it is for the benefit of a friend, or I get to show off a bit, it is way easier to get going with it. is it because I am kinda lonely and any time someone wants to spend time with me it feels like I dare not refuse because who knows when they will again? is it because I love to be praised for doing an impressive thing? idk maybe. however this is double-edged because if I feel I'm making something unimpressive I will be motivated to try and make it bigger and more complex, dragging things out, which might lead to not finishing the thing at all.

you can probably kind of see how computer games are a bit of a cognitohazard. especially open-ended games that don't have a finite built-in endpoint. I've gotten better at managing that now.

there are degrees of hyperfocus. there is the maxed out 'I will not eat or sleep until I finish this' mode. there is also the 'I have a new obsession' mode, which is a bit less intense.

the other thing with hyperfocus is that it is time-limited. at some point you just burn out on it and after that it's really hard to jump back into a thing. the unfinished projects on my hard drive are in most cases things I went nuts over for a few weeks and then dropped like a hot stone. this sucks because making anything worthwhile requires sustained effort over a long period.

I've been trying meds but so far no luck. they've currently got me off the meds taking baseline measurements while they figure out what to try next. though apparently the dose of dexamfetamine they had me on is like... so low that it's not surprising I didn't feel it.

gonna have to ask them about it next time I see them. because right now this whole thing feels like a bit of a mean joke. I'm staying in London for the sake of meds that could help, because it would take upwards of a year to get into another clinic, but what's the point if they're not even giving the meds a real shot?

but if there is any chance I can get working meds, I've got to try for it, because I don't think I'll ever achieve much of anything within the limitations of adhd, at least not without finding some new mechanisms to keep me on track. (though 'if I don't do this I might lose my job/the game won't be as good as it could be' works a bit as an extrinsic motivator)

[asterhaze]

If you get this, answer w three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs! Anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog :)

Thank you for the ask! I have enjoyed talking about myself a little bit lately.

Serious: I also art! Though I haven't posted any of my newer stuff online because my tablet broke and some of my traditional work is stuff I want to eventually draw digitally and hopefully sell. I'm terrified of AI taking away my dream of being a super cool artist writer dream before I even have a chance. So yeah.

Silly Fact: I have a horrible phobia of mascots. It inspired a comic idea that I will probably end up writing about evil mascots that try to take over the world and cause the apocalypse. It's a pretty serious phobia that councilors and therapists have tried to help me with but nothing has worked because I've refused exposure therapy. There are some masks that trigger this phobia, but honestly it's mostly helmets!

Random: I only started writing seriously last October, and the amount of progress I have made this year shocks even myself. This is hard for me, but here is an example of my writing from last October versus something I wrote a few weeks ago.

October:

Glen stood beneath the willow tree in a small graveyard. He stated down at two small graves whose names had been worn away by time. But he knew them well and kept them close to his heart.

"Maria. My love. I miss you dearly, even still to this day." Glen began, going down on one knee to brush his hands across the grass. "I wish I was there with you. Wherever you are and whatever is beyind this life. I wish we could sit beneath our willow tree and I could tell you how much I love you again."

Last week - a longer piece that may or may not make it into a final draft-

“Now your suit really will be ruined. Your socks too.” But I have the money now to buy new clothes. Who cares, Maria, about suits and pants and socks and shoes? Who cares about arranged weddings? Who cares about any of that when you’re dead, dead, dead and I’m here, here, here? I’m still here, here, here… He reached out, brushing his fingertips along the front of the tombstone, weathered smooth by time. Faintly he could see the first letter of her first and last name but the rest was worn away. He traced the letters, very gently, before pulling his hand away and putting it back in his lap. Willow had cried and cried so many times sitting here before Maria’s grave. Mourning her, missing her, wishing desperately that she would come back to him and forgive him for everything and being left with only memories. The tears had dried decades ago, but the longing in his chest and the aching in his soul still remained. Now he just stared, his eyes glossed over, his lips moving without a voice as he spoke in his imaginary world where Maria was fussing at him for this, that, or the other. He knew he was crazy, or ill, or pretending, or at least that whatever he was doing was wrong but it made him feel better. Talking there, remembering things, it made him feel complete despite reminding him otherwise and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that people left him alone at the graveyard, let him spend however long he wanted there, or maybe it was because he was close to her again. Eventually, when a headache was starting to form across his temple, he imagined Maria turning to him and smiling. Still wearing that horrible dress that flattered only her body, sickly yellow. Maria fluffed her skirt, slapping it when she was done, before turning to walk away. Won’t you take me with you this time? Can’t we go together? I’m tired of living without you, Maria. Maria looked over her shoulder, a sad look over her sunshine eyes, as she sighed and turned away. “You’re too good.” And with that, he imagined her walking away and fading from his vision in a great glowing light that blinded him until he closed his eyes so tightly shut he prayed he would never be able to open them again. Anything else he would see would just tarnish it. Tarnish his memory of her, but eventually he did open his eyes, and there was all that was left of her before him. Faded, worn, and nearly falling apart. Here Lies M….M…. Loved Forever.

Tagging: @mthollowell-writes @rainisawriter @doublegoblin @gummybugg @veetvoojagigthemagnificent

[chongoblog]

Valentine's Day OC Ship Gushing: Gay Dad Pirates

Still over the moon that y'all happened to prioritize Red Kraken stuff. Hope you all enjoyed the Dancefloor one as well, bcause I know I enjoyed writing it up!

Once again, the gushing will begin after the readmore

Obligatory mention that the details of these two are still a work in progress. In fact, these two aren't nearly as developed as I'd like them to be, but I can give details as to why I like the ship (hehe....pirate ship)

So I realize in my last post I didn't really elaborate what The Red Kraken was ABOUT for those who wanted to know. So in short, the Red Kraken is a story about the eponymously named crew of pirates who want to explore the world. That opportunity is presented to them after a strange mystical wall of fog is lifted from half of the entire world. (Also, they may have been responsible for getting rid of the wall of fog, but that's another story). Samba and Tango are the two founding members of the crew.

(Also there hasn't been much art made that I know of, so you might have to use your imagination for some of these. Specifically for Tango, whose only visual reference was from when he was an NPC in a DnD podcast. Anyway, if you want me to give a detailed description, I'll do so later. Until then, Amanda DID make a Samba that I liked a good bit)

Samba, the captain, lived a relatively privileged and somewhat sheltered lifestyle, but always loved hearing the stories of treacherous pirates, specifically how they would sail the seas in hunt of great treasures. Also, he was a theater kid (which explains a lot of his personality moving forward). Eventually, he would go on to join the military, believing that the resources would allow him to see the world, and possibly expand the capabilities of his empire by discovering new lands and finding new treasures, hoping such an incentive would motivate the military to his side. He quickly found himself to be incorrect, since the military was far more interested in imposing their will upon those outside the empire rather than his adventurous flights of fancy.

[No art for Tango, but he's basically big and muscular, with short spiked black hair and olive colored skin. He has a beautiful tattoo of a shark on his left bicep, and he usually wears a red suit with red dresspants, although the sleeves of his suit are completely ripped off]

Tango, on the other hand, was born into almost the completely opposite circumstances. He was born into near poverty, with his parents dying at a fairly young age. He had joined a crew of pirates shortly afterwards, out of necessity rather than out of choice, feeling that at the very least, the crew would at the very least act as a sort of family. Something which he had yearned for. However, that quickly turned when a raid went awry, and the rest of his crew abandoned him to be captured and interrogated by the military. It took a long time for him to realize that they weren't coming back for him. Even so, he refused to give them any information.

And so these two meet. Samba realizing his dreams of joining the military weren't going to give him the life he had wanted to live, and Tango, having what he believed to be his family completely abandon him. Samba then gets a really stupid idea, and offers to start a new pirate crew with Tango. After stealing a ship and breaking Tango out of prison, the two of them officially form the Red Kraken.

But this is Valentine's Day, not Pirate Day, so we should talk about their relationship. Similarly to how Disco and Tap acted as a foil to one another, Samba and Tango are foils for one another, with their relationships helping to temper one another's extremes. Samba, meant to represent an idealism for what he imagines The Pirate's Life to be (as captain, he constantly speaks in a Pirate Voice, and when he loses both his arm and leg, he's partially excited since he'll be getting a pegleg), and Tango, who has experienced what the reality of a "pirate's life" would be: a group of criminals constantly fearing the law, ready to stab one another in the back at a moment's notice. I believe what drew them together was Samba's ridiculous optimism for keeping up an ideal that a pirate's crew is a family (an ideal he holds resolute, remaining faithful to every member of the crew no matter the cost), and Tango's ability to remain objective and realistic, helping to ground Samba.

They also very much rely on one another for leading the crew of the Red Kraken. While Tango is incredibly experienced, has a breadth of insider knowledge towards other pirate crews, and is incredibly skilled at thinking logically and accounting for details that many would miss, he isn't much for socializing, and finds himself at a terrible disadvantage when working alone, being more comfortable in using his skills in tandem with others. Meanwhile, Samba is INCREDIBLY charistmatic, with his aesthetic of being a pirate captain perfectly inspiring a crew, along with his optimism and drive pushing for the crew to do things no one else thought possible, he also constantly finds himself getting way too over his head, getting lost in his own fantasy.

Throughout their years upon years of falling in love with one another and seeing the beauty in what the other held, they've grown incredibly close as captain and first mate, finding the other the most valuable thing in their lives. Upon inadvertently adopting Waltz after saving her from a burning building, Tango found himself fulfilled in becoming a father, which he had always wished he could become, all while having a family surrounding him. And Samba manages to live out his wish of exploring a new world searching for untold treasures.

I'm really glad they get to do that together.

[kamiyugure]

Returning to Tumblr?

Something something I'm back and not 24 anymore!

It's been a while since I was really active on tumblr... well since I was active on like any site at all.

I've been sorta in limbo for a looooong time. Trying to figure out my life, trying to figure out work and money and mostly miserably failing at all of it. (I am hyper sensitive in a way that I've never really accepted until the like 3rd time I sank into a month-long depressive episode that lost me ANOTHER job... oops) Lately I've been trying to work at convincing myself to just say eff it and work on stuff that's mattered to me, like writing stories. My siblings are active on tumblr and one of them suggested that this is like... the SM to be active on and stuff because like... there's not as much horrible people as on other social media, or at least the general atmosphere on tumblr is generally LGBT+ positive and generally progressive. I've also been thinking about starting a blog or something that's oriented towards my whole trying to figure out what to do with my life. It's not just been money that's been leading me down upsetting paths, but also my mixture of feelings and plethora of interests. Making up fantasy stories is something that I just remember being a part of my life when I was a kid but I also just love a lot of different sorts of creative and/or problem solving things. There's a version of me inside that refuses to give up on the idea that there's a path where I don't have to abandon all these interests just to focus on one for the rest of my life. Like I think I've figured out that being a purely tech person might not work for me but I don't think I'd enjoy trying to go the opposite extreme. I just sorta wanna be creative and problem-solve-y and focus on making things that I wanna make... However selfish saying that sort of thing makes me feel. But also so much of the political, economic and ecological landscape right now angers me and a lot of my mental energy is spent trying to understand what I should or could do about any of it. Sometimes my mind can't STOP circling around "Everything is ruled by rich evil white supremacist idiots hellbent on creating huge swaths of mass human suffering and destroying the planet while they're at it." Look I'm rambling already! Anyway... I do figure that my siblings are right about Tumblr being one of the safer Social Media options for those who are more left leaning (and maybe particularly sensitive about certain things) so I'm thinking I might start getting a little more active again. BUT - I want to actually be a kind of creator, now. I think the tumblr I maintained during college was largely me just reblogging other posts and I dunno... kinda wanna make my own stuff more. I also still have side blogs that I don't know what to do with. One is body positivity focused, another was art focused (with 3 whole posts! woo!) and then there was like one that I made that was going to be focused on tabletop gaming but... I don't think I ever did anything for it besides make it.

[apas-95]

Hello. Can you please give me some pointers how to understand why Stalin(I feel situation was more complicated) did all that executing repressions in 1937? Where do I need to start digging?

I'm reading your blog for a while and I start to realize my understanding of Stalin or Mao Zedong are really fragmented and clouded by red scare propaganda. When I read quotes you posted, if I haven't known they wrote it, I'd agree in most cases.

I know you describe many historical situation in depth and with understanding. I read your great fanine in 1931-1933 and holodomor discussion, and it was really good. I researched it a few years ago and my sources show similar stuff.

And thanks for writing about inter imperialist war and reasons, it helped me with understanding of current situation. Propaganda got me for a moment I'm afraid, very hard to turn off emotions and think of it... Read to much reddit nonsense first days, and couldn't point out what felt off until I read your analysis. Thanks

In the period prior to Stalin taking leadership, the USSR had been taking a soft hand towards backwards elements in society. In The Tax In Kind, Lenin explains how the policy of the USSR had to be to work with the petty-bourgeoisie, and capitalist experts, rather than attempting to do away with them entirely.

Because the proletariat were a progressive class, they had history on their side. As time went on, the proletariat's position would grow stronger, and the capitalist position would grow weaker. Despite the proletariat seizing state power, the petty-bourgeoisie still had a lot of sway in the Russian economy. If the communists made enemies of them, it would mean the suffering and deprivation of the wartime would continue, and the revolution could even be overthrown. It was decided that, because the small-producers were so deeply embedded in society and production, it would be best to appease them somewhat, so they wouldn't form a very entrenched enemy. If done correctly, they would not only not inhibit socialism, but they could even be a massive force pushing socialism forwards - just as with the peasantry, another middle class that expected certain privileges above the proletariat.

In addition, the intelligentsia was an extremely important element of socialist construction. The proletariat had no experience of managing production, of organising a state, or of running a military. For this reason, capitalist experts were allowed to keep their privileged positions, to manage enterprises and even exploit workers, because, in the long run, it would pay off - because the proletariat would learn from them, and gain their experience. Because the proletariat had history on its side, it could take the long road, taking a small hit now to make a large gain later. In military matters, too, many pre-revolutionary capitalist military experts were employed. The USSR was entirely aware that these military experts were untrustworthy. They were, at best, turncoats, but their expertise was indispensable in building an army.

However, the situation changed. After Lenin's passing, the geopolitical situation developed: Nazi Germany began amassing for war, explicitly war against the USSR. It planned a genocidal conquest of the east, its 'Generalplan Ost', considering the Slavic peoples subhuman, and communism a Jewish plot. On the latter, the western powers of Europe agreed, and refused to form an anti-Nazi alliance with the USSR, because they hoped Germany would take care of the communist problem - the exact same reason the German liberals had allowed the Nazi party to grow to such power, to oppose a growing communist movement.

Clearly, preparing for war - and, moreso, a war waged by fascists, which finds its base of power in the middle classes - the existing strategy was untenable. Those turncoat military experts could be trusted so long as they were kept in an academy, teaching tactics, but leading a war? Definitely not. The appeasement of the peasantry and other middle classes needed to take second importance to ensuring wartime production, just as it had during the period of 'War Communism' that had preceded the tax in kind. The backwards elements needed to be removed, and production safeguarded.

For the latter, collectivisation was enforced. It was a much more efficient and equitable system - but it created strong resentment within the peasantry, who expected to own their own farms, and to make money from selling their produce. For the former... a disenfranchised middle class, downwardly-mobile and having lost a former class status and elevated position in society - it was the textbook base for fascism. While many bourgeois managers and bureaucrats could simply be stripped of their position, placed among the proletariat, this would not be tenable for all. The top capitalist military experts (and some opposition factions), if they were allowed to remain alive, could easily form the basis of a Nazi collaborator movement.

Much like with the Romanovs, if the proletariat had complete omnipotence, it would have been preferable to simply demote or detain these people. However, the proletariat did not have complete power, and, in times of war, must expect to be forced to contest the reactionaries for power. A political figure for enemies of the workers to rally around could not be allowed to emerge, and that could not be ensured unless they were completely removed from the equation. The amount of executions in the purges is exaggerated, but many did happen. It's no coincidence they happened immediately before WW2.

These purges allowed the USSR to survive the Nazi invasion and genocide. They had this positive side, but also obviously had a negative side - nobody wants death if they can avoid it. In the long term, the purges also had the negative effect of curtailing the economic development that the New Economic Plan was advancing. Along with collectivisation, the USSR had pivoted strongly away from the light industry of the NEP, towards the heavy industry required to build the tanks and aircraft necessary to survive the war. This resulted in a dearth of consumer goods in the later USSR, which contributed to discontent among the people, especially in contrast to the Coca-Cola, fast fashion, and TVs of the west.

As you said, the situation was complicated. Such is the nature of governing a country. Thank you for the compliment, I'm glad my analyses are appreciated!

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

What If?

Bucky x Reader

Summary: You think back on your relationship with Bucky, with questions of 'What if' surrounding you, four questions stood out to you, so you wonder- which one will come true?

Word count: 4,179

Warnings: melancholy angst, character death of sorts (not real deaths), some fluff, the winter soldier, mentions of violence, civil war Bucky, language, me referencing poems.

A/N: Civil War timeline with some modifications. Italics are daydreams. The question What If? Is my favourite question- it is so hopeful and yet so destructive. Besides the Taylor song, I also based this on the song 'What If?' From the musical If/Then

A/N2: this is based on the song The 1 by Taylor Swift for @captain-kelli Don't Call It A Comeback Tour challenge! When I signed up for it this entire story just came to my mind all at once and I could see it all from start to finish. However when I finally sat down with my outline to write it… something possessed it. I have mixed feelings about this but oh well, I hope you will like it! Thank you @lookiamtrying for beta reading this!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Masterlist

--

It always came back to your head in flashes; he came back in glances at objects around your apartment, but he never came back to you- not in your reality. You remembered the last night you saw him next to you, you remembered his cold voice that you read so well past. You mostly remembered the look in his blue eyes- they were soft and sad, contrasting his tone just like how his words contrasted their true meaning.

You had found your little piece of heaven in this small apartment, Bucky found his peace with you. He was always cautious, ever since he pulled Steve out of the river and started to remember his old life he run away from hydra, using all of his training to disappear from both sides that were looking for him. And then he found you and everything changed. You didn't know who he was at first, but by the time he opened up and told you who he was he held a part of your heart. It took some time but by the time you earned his full trust you took space in his heart, and when you didn't run away after you found out about him- your place in his heart grew and he kept you there safe. Logically he knew he should never stay for too long, and he shouldn't stay with you, but you were the first friend he had in decades- you helped him through nightmares, and you gave him a diary to keep track of the memories that started to come back. So he risked everything, and took every precaution to make sure he could stay there with you and dissipate his past from his potential future with you. And slowly but surely your relationship together evolved. You were proud of every progress he made- when the nightmares became rare, when you had to buy him another notebook, when he talked to you about it and you saw him forgive himself for something that was not his choice- you were proud when he started smiling and touching you more freely even with his left arm. You were proud of him when he showed his emotions more and told you those three little words with a bright look in his eye that caused you to smile and reply those same three words.

Then he came home to you one night with a heavy look that you haven't seen in a long time- you remember it from the time you were only friends, when he came to your door after a nightmare, panicked, saying he should run away.

He didn't talk that night, but you felt him change again, you felt him being more reserved again, like the Bucky you first met.

Then he came home to you one night a week later with the same look but now you saw his eyes- they weren't cold, they were emotional.

"They found me." No they didn't.

"Bucky," he was never one to lie. "What are you saying?"

You left the mug you held on the counter and walked to him in the living room. When he didn't answer you went to sit on the couch, patting the spot next to you.

"Talk to me, please." Bucky went towards you but he bent down and you knew what he was about to do. He moved the rug away and pulled at the wooden floor until you could both see the hidden space there where he told you an emergency bag will be necessary. He pulled it out.

"I need to go, you can't come with me."

"No, Bucky look at me," you stood up in front of him, "you don't have to run away! I can come with you-"

"It's too dangerous! You can't date the Winter Soldier!" He finally said. You knew he was trying to scare you with his cold tone, but you didn't let him.

"And yet, I am still here! I am not going to leave you Bucky- no one found you, stay with me- please don't run away."

"Doll," his eyes always gave him away. "I need to go, they are close. I need to leave."

"Bucky," tears welled up in your eyes. "Will you-"

"I am not going to come back."

Yes, you remember that night well. You played it in your head over and over again. You remembered your tears, the slamming door, and mostly the quiet.

You felt it when you woke up alone again every day after that. You saw him on the TV a few weeks after he left you- he stood next to Captain America- at least he found Steve. You had a million things you wished you could have said, questions you wished to know. You never know, though, when it will all go away, but you know the greatest loves of all time are over now, they always end. But you could never let it go, he plagued your mind.

It was the constant question of: Would he have stayed for you? If things were different? If he didn't have an excuse to leave?

You knew the answer could kill you, but your mind couldn't help but wonder- What if?

•

What if he stayed?

"I'm not coming back." Bucky closed the door behind him, it slammed harder than he intended to. He took the time to rest against the door, gathering his thoughts as he softly whispered to the air-

"I love you."

You brought life to his grey world, you helped him find himself- is he scared more of hydra finding you, or of you? Everything good seemed to be taken from him, and you were the sunshine for him- the moonlight comfort of the midnight nightmares.

Bucky spent so long running, what if he just let himself have this- you? What if he didn't use his past as an excuse to run away from his possible future?

He didn't think further when he opened the door again and shut it behind him. His eyes were just as soft and glassy as yours, filled with unshed tears. He came to you and you got up from the couch- without missing a beat he pulled you to him, holding you tight.

"I'm sorry, doll, I love you, and I don't want to leave you."

"Then stay, please. We are safe." You held him tighter and let out a shaking breath when you realized he didn't walk away, he stayed for you.

"I'll stay." He promised you that night, both of you refused to let go.

It was a few months after that and Bucky passed a jewelry shop, he watched as couples inside looked at all the shiny items and picked a few to take to their home. You were his home.

When he came back to you, the house smelled like his favourite pie that you made. He wanted to stay forever here with you, you didn't have much, but you had enough to get by and it was everything he could wish for right now.

But at night he laid wide awake, his metal arm surrounding you securely, drawing senseless patterns on your skin as you slept.

He couldn't give you a future like all the other normal couples have, but he could try to do his best, you always told him that trying was enough.

Bucky went to the museum the next night, when the old guard fell asleep he snuck in and searched for his treasure- in the area that displayed his stuff from the 40s- he found it. His ma's engagement ring, it was silver with two blue stones on either side the small diamond- you will look so perfect wearing it.

He was walking home with a smile, hoping to be home before you wake up- he left you a note but he knew you would only worry.

On the way, he decided to purchase some plums and then he saw the newspaper- the assassination of King T'Chaka, blamed on the Winter Soldier. He knew he had to get home fast. The smile dropped from his face and he ran to you.

"Doll!" He yelled to you when he closed the apartment shut, he panicked when you didn't answer. Checking the windows were closed, he saw no sign of forced entry, so he moved to the bedroom you shared."Doll,"

You were still asleep peacefully in your bed, only opening your eyes when you heard him call you again.

"Good morning, Bucky." You smiled at him and went to pull him down for a kiss which he gladly returned, letting himself relax when he knew you were safe. "What are you doing all dressed up-"

You stopped when you saw his nervous eyes.

"What happened?" you sat up on the bed and held Bucky's hand as he told you about the news.

"But, they don't know where we are, so we will be fine… right?" you were trying to stay hopeful, you didn't want anything to get in the way of your happiness, but life finds a way.

"We can't be certain… doll I think we need to go."

"Go where?" you didn't want to leave this house, you shared so many moments here with him, "This is our home."

"You are my home, we can find a place for us wherever we go- but I have to keep you safe with me. So, we need to go."

You only nodded to him, solemnly getting out of bed and packing the essentials he told you to take.

Soon enough, you were ready to go, but he stopped you before you reached for the door handle.

"Wait," his throat suddenly went dry, but he had to do this- he had to do this here. "I just need to tell you something, before we go."

"What is it?"

"We shared so many memories here, you helped me find myself and never gave up on me. And then I fell in love with you and I was so happy when I first kissed you and you admitted to loving me as well- and you let me set the pace. You were always there for me, doll, and I always want you to be."

"Bucky, what are you-"

"My ma always told me to give this to someone special, someone who managed to see the real me, and I have no clue how you did it, doll, but you did." He got down on one knee, "So, I want to do my ma proud, do this properly."

And then he went down on one knee, and then you said yes.

You smiled, you would have been so happy, and he never would have gotten caught, not if he had you. You've only seen the ring before in pictures but… it would have been fun, if he would've been the one.

You really were something together, so you let your mind wonder again.

-

Little did you know that all that time ago, Bucky had wondered the exact same thing. What if he stayed?

Bucky burst through the door, shutting it behind him as he went to envelop you in his arms.

"I'm not leaving you, not ever." He held you tight- and he promised he won't let you go no matter what happened. He couldn't handle not being with you.

Months passed with you sleeping soundly next to him.

Another day started like any other- right before he heard the explosion coming from the living room, awakening both you and Bucky in freight.

"Bucky, what's happening?" You whispered to him as you saw him get up and grab the gun that was taped under the bed.

"Stay here, I'll keep you safe, they found me but I promise- I won't let them get to you." He told you, and then Bucky went, opening the door and seeing the Hydra agents that stormed his house- his home.

Bucky sprung to action and shot the ones that came near him, protecting himself from the bullets with his metal arm. As soon as he took care of the agents in his home, he heard voices coming up the stairs- he had to get you out of here.

"Doll, come on, we have to go." He urgently told you, seeing you were already dressed and took the emergency bag he kept under your bed- you always knew.

"Where to, Bucky?" your shaky voice didn't escape him as he escorted you through the bodies on the floor, but he didn't have time to comfort you right now- his only mission was to get you to safety. That was all he wished for. That was all he wished for when you went to the roof to look at the stars, when you passed by a fountain and he remembered his ma telling him to toss pennies in the pool and make a wish.

He helped you down the fire escape and held you tight as he jumped onto another roof. Then he simply told you to run as he seeked temporary cover to think of an exit for you. They were shooting at you now, and he ushered you in front of him, having his body as a shield for you.

He found a place behind a vent as soon as you gained some speed and put space between you and the Hydra agents.

"Bucky-" your soft voice called to him, bringing him back to you. He looked at you when you just looked at your stomach, where blood was now seeping through your shirt.

"No, no doll stay with me-" your eyes began to flutter as the dizziness took you. "We will fix it, you'll be okay- I'll fix it."

"Bucky- it's okay." Your hand caressed his cheek; you winced when he put pressure on the wound.

"No, it's not! I can't lose you doll, this is all my fault, please stay with me." You felt his tears on your hand, even when you felt things go dark, you didn't break his gaze.

"This isn't your fault, Bucky. I love you, please promise me you'll stay yourself- don't let them convince you you're anything but a good man."

"No, doll, stay- please." His voice broke. "I love you."

The lights went out in your eyes, and he felt all the light in his life go with you, he sobbed over you, not caring about the hydra agents getting close. No one will take you away from him. He didn't let you go, he couldn't handle being without you.

If only his wishes came true, it would've been you that was alive instead of him, and you would've been safe.

•

What if you had gone after him?

It took you months, but you knew you had to go after him and fight for the two of you. You finally found him- they had taken him to the Avengers facility like you saw on the news. He was captured with Captain America- his former friend, you hoped Steve was taking care of your Bucky.

He had to be safe now, right? From what you heard of Steve… he won't let anything happen to him- so you hoped that maybe you could tell him who you were to Bucky and they will let you see him.

You walked into the facility with your cover, standing idly in the corner of the room as you watched Bucky being locked in a cage. It hurt your heart and you wished you could walk up to Steve but he was with government officials- and those were never good.

Then everything went dark. You were freaking out like the rest of them when you heard a girl talking to Steve-

"Sublevel 5, east wing." She had said and you quickly exited from the room, hoping to get to Bucky. Remembering the schematics of the building you memorized, you rushed to him. Was it dangerous? Maybe. Did you care? Not even a bit.

You ran down the stairs when you heard a commotion.

You entered the floor to see Tony Stark aiming a weapon against Bucky. You've never seen him this way, as the Winter Soldier- but he was still your Bucky.

"No!" you shouted when a loud blast echoed in the room. Tony went to attack him and you stood there helpless, not knowing what to do. You knew in your heart that he will recognize you- he has to. He is your Bucky- he said he will never forget you.

Two girls went to attack him after he pushed Tony Stark away and you rushed forward, getting to him before the others, you grabbed his arm.

"Civilians aren't allowed here, get out of the way!" The Black Widow called to you, but you ignored her as Bucky turned to you. You couldn't see him in the Winter Soldier's eyes but you knew he was there. The Winter Soldier grabbed you by the throat with his metal arm and pinned you to the wall, but you tried to stop him.

"Bucky- Bucky it's me, please come back to me." You said to him and dared to reach out to hold his cheek. "Bucky I'm here, I know you can break out of this- you won't hurt me."

His hard eyes were now confused instead and he did nothing for a couple of moments before you knew you had him.

"Doll?" he whispered to you, before he pulled away from you, realizing what happened. You didn't let him get far.

"I'm here Bucky, you didn't hurt me." You took his flesh hand, shooting a daring glance at the two girls who stood there on edge. "Please don't hurt him."

You brought Bucky closer, seeing the hesitation in his eyes, you assured him.

"I've got you, you didn't hurt me. Bucky, let me keep you safe for once." You brought him closer and he sent a shaky look at the agents, eyes falling to their guns and weapons that stood ready. "Look at me."

He did, and your eyes brought him ever so closer until you could hug him properly. You held him closely, keeping a tight hold around his neck. His arms soon surrounded you, and you knew he had his eyes sharp and open, protecting you all the time, checking for potential threats.

"We need to go." He told you. You turned around when you heard footsteps approaching, and Natasha yelling at them to stand down.

"Buck?" You heard Steve's voice, but with the new people with guns, Bucky immediately pulled you back so he could stand in front of you to protect you.

"Why are you just standing there?" One of the government officials came into the room and ordered around. "Take him down!"

"No!" Both you and Steve yelled. You saw red- no one will hurt him again.

"Listen," you ignored Bucky who was adamant on keeping you behind him and you stepped forward, his hand was still on your waist. "He will do whatever it takes to keep me safe, whoever points a gun at me will be viewed as a threat that he will take out- so I suggest you move out of the room."

Steve looked puzzled between his friend and Natasha, who just shook her head at his silent question.

"Do you think I will leave a dangerous hydra asset- the Winter Soldier- alone by the hands of some girl?" Bucky's hand tightened around you.

"His name is James Bucky Barnes, not an asset- just a man." You spat out at him, "Only these five can stay- I think three avengers are more capable than you or your team to deal with this. So unless you want to lose your life because you insulted some girl- move out, now."

"Listen to the girl, Ross" Tony held his hands up and the other man walked out until it was only the two of you, Steve, Tony, Natasha, the blonde agent and Prince T'Challa. You looked at Bucky behind you before you looked at Steve.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Steve." He nodded to you, "I have heard a lot about you. And I hope you didn't change from who you used to be."

"And why is that?" Natasha spoke up.

"Because all I want is for Bucky to be safe. He hasn't been triggered in two years, not since the Triskelion. He did nothing wrong- he is just Bucky now." You interlaced your fingers with his and you felt him relax behind you.

"He killed my father." The king said and you shook your head.

"I didn't kill your father." Bucky said quietly.

"He was with me the entire time, at a different country too." You hoped they will listen to you.

"Ross will not be happy… but let's take my jet and get out of here. How does that sound?" Tony offered, "And then we can talk."

You looked back at Bucky and nodded, he smiled softly at you, and you knew you will be okay.

Yes, you would have been okay. If you were there you would have talked sense into everyone. He would have been okay if you went after him- you wouldn't have let anything happen to him. It played all out in your head like a film, but you knew the greatest films of all time were never made- all because of a single choice.

-

Little did you know, that when Bucky sat in his cell as the guy in front of him started reading the words- all he thought about was you. He was so glad you weren't there, he couldn't even imagine what would have happened if you had gone after him.

Bucky felt the words take over him, he shook his head trying to fight it.

"No."

But it was too late, and Bucky was stuck inside his own mind. He tried to fight him, but The Winter Soldier was in control.

It was all a blur to him, but then he saw you- he heard your voice, and suddenly all he could do was fight, trying to break free from all those years of torture just to save you- if only he could save you, he could forgive himself- he could fight.

He hoped you could still see him there, he heard you call out his name.

"Bucky- Bucky it's me, please come back to me." You said to him and dared to reach out to hold his cheek- he could feel you. "Bucky I'm here, I know you can break out of this- you won't hurt me."

He tried- he tried to break free for you and he almost did.

"Bucky-" he heard you call out to him and he was forced to watch as the spark in your eyes, that you reserved just for him, died out. He was caged- and you died because of him, because he wasn't strong enough.

Bucky tried to shake the mental image of your lifeless body from his head. He sat in that chair as the Winter Soldier took over him, you didn't know it but all he thought about back then was you and the only relief he had is that you weren't around for him to hurt.

•

But What if the story ends here?

You pulled yourself out of the memories you could have had and brought yourself back to the present, if only you had done something- anything. You looked around your apartment as you sat on the couch, your tea long forgotten. You rose up with a sigh, and you pondered how long were you going to wonder about the road not taken? He haunted all of your What Ifs. Four years ago you chose to let two blue eyes into your life- and that has made all the difference. Two years ago those blue eyes left your life- and that had changed everything.

You went to close the old bag you found, with the shiny object still in its box- you shut it and delicately put it in the bag and closed it.

You still mused over it though- if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? With each choice that you make you lose roads you won't get to take, with each coin that you toss you lose choices you won't get to make. You choose and then everything changes, and you know there is no turning back... so you wonder- What if?

If only your wishes came true, Bucky would have come back to you.

But timing is a funny thing.

You almost missed the knock on the door. Putting the mug on the table, you went to the door.

If your wishes came true, he would have chosen you.

You opened the door, coming face to face with a man you only saw on TV, with his hair now short, his left arm black and gold- so much changed but his eyes were still the same. He was still Bucky- was he still yours? You couldn't help but wonder…

"Bucky?"

"Hi, doll."

What if it began again?

•

Taglist: : @callmeluna @sstanbarnes @buckys-other-punk @drabblewithfrannybarnes @easygoingtheatre @that-one-person @justab-eautifulmess @onceupona-happilyeverafter @wipplogg @supraveng @samwilsons-pillowpecs @ayybtch @kitkatd7 @chrissquares @make-me-imagine @jessalyn-jpeg @buckybarneschokeme

[gemma-collins-ily]

could you please write something for Inej and a fem reader? Maybe they are in a heist or something and they get split up and the reader gets hurt or barely gets away and when they find each other Inej just holds her for a second because she thought she lost her and then accidentally confesses her feelings? <3

The Stars in Her Eyes

Inej Ghafa X reader

a/n - I love Inej, seriously so much it's unhealthy. So excited to write this because awww the love confessions and fluff I simply adore it!

Warnings: injury, passing out, mentions of the Menagerie (literally the word once).

Tagged: @inthegistoftime @mrs-brekker15

You were late.

If it were, say, Jesper then Inej wouldn't be nearly as bothered.

But you were never late.

That was why she was currently biting her nails down to the nub and tapping her foot in an extremely fast paced, irregular rythm.

It had only gotten quicker as time went on, and now there were barely any gaps in-between her foot landing on the cobbles, as if it had never been lifted.

This went on for minutes until Kaz tossed Inej a handkerchief, it billowing in the wind. For a person with slower reflexes, the fabric would be lost permanently but she snatched it out of the air as soon as it left his hand.

However, her mind was still on you and all the possible reasons for why you weren't at the meeting place promptly.

"For your lip."

Kaz's gruff voice brought her back to earth and she concluded that her bottom lip must feel so warm in one area because she had practically mauled it.

She hastily lifted the handkerchief to her face and when she withdrew it, it was stained with a dark crimson and her lip burnt.

Kaz didn't say anything of her concern for you, even if it was at an all time high - a little too concerned to just be friends. He too cared for you, as he did all his Crows.

He would just never deign to admit it. You couldn't have any weaknesses in the Barrel: none that showed anyway.

But for now, he would allow the spider to convey visible distress as the whole point of choosing the specific location for the meeting, was that no one ever went there. No one would be able to see her weakness and so they wouldn't be able to exploit it.

Kaz and Inej stood at the end of the alley, Inej constantly poking her head around the corner, hoping to catch a glimpse of you.

"What's the time?"

"No different to when you last asked." Was Kaz's stoic response.

At this point, she would take any scenario in which you were alive. You returning injured would be bearable. Yes, she would hate to see you in pain but it was better that than dead.

Inej only wanted you to come back. Come back for her. Come back to her.

"Wraith, survey the skies."

This meant Kaz was giving up. That order was always his last resort before he would return to the Slat and consider possibilities of capture, torture and death.

"No."

Kaz let a flash of shock cross his features involuntarily, then straightened. She had never disobeyed him like this before. She had never outright refused.

"You will do as I say."

"You can't be giving up. Not on her. We both know she has a higher chance of survival if we delay leaving her here."

This was quickly turning into a heated act of defiance. And Kaz needed to quell it.

"She will survive."

That was when he realised that maybe a matter of fact approach wasn't the best and the truth was, Kaz had repressed his emotions for so long, all except anger, and this meant he had no idea how to comfort or sympathise.

"No Kaz! She might not! And you know, I will look for her! And even if you lose hope, I will not! I will keep searching... I will."

"Have you wondered why you want to cling to the ever fading idea she is alive."

She blatantly ignored the way Kaz had gone back on himself and reversed his previous statement.

"Because... Because I love-"

You were tumbling round corners, your feet slapping over the smoothed stones and your breath coming as heavy pants from your throat.

Your hand was plastered to your side, the knife in-between your middle and index finger. You hadn't pulled it out - if you did, you would bleed out ten times faster.

Four streets left.

You counted them off in your head as you passed them, doing anything to focus on something other than the pain slowly overriding your brain.

You had made all of the correct turnoffs. There were two remaining but the blood coating your fingers reminded you of the little time left. You weren't going to make it.

It was one of your worst nightmares, dying in a creepy, damp and withering alleyway, the moss and grime giving a possibility you'd never be found.

Your family would never get the closure they needed and Inej would probably look for you everyday.

You were filled with a new kind of determination, to stay alive, if only until they saw you. All they had to do was see you once, that was all. Then you would be happy as you passed on.

You were halfway down the second alley when you saw it. Kaz's coattails were flapping in the wind and Inej's braid too.

You sped up slightly, only to stumble as your hand went to the rough brick wall. You retracted your hand and it came back grazed, but that was the least of your problems.

As you came into their view, her back was turned to you but Kaz's wasn't. His eyes widened in terror, just barely, but Inej caught it. She whirled around to see you, faint blood splatters covering your face and a dried, rusty maroon crusting beneath your nails.

"Hi. Hope I didn't stuff it up-"

You had been sending a weak smile in Kaz's direction, attempting not to let it waver when Inej collided with you, and all your attention was brought to her.

She wrapped her arms around your waist, careful to avoid the wound in your torso and the sensitive skin surrounding it. You could not reciprocate the hug wholeheartedly as you wished to, because of the necessary pressure being provided by your palm, pressed flat against your flesh.

You had just managed to lift your spare arm from the elbow upwards to stiffly pat her back when she pulled back.

"Saints, you're alive. Not that I thought you were dead. I just, don't know what I'd do without you."

She was rambling and you raised an eyebrow to Kaz, wordlessly asking what ideas he had put in her head about you never coming back. He lifted his shoulders in a shrug, as if he had no clue what you meant.

The newfound strength you had gained by seeing them, seeing her, appeared to be fading and you swayed haphazardly on your feet.

Inej rushed to steady you, her eyes enlarged and frantic and you leant on her heavily, slumping and in turn forcing her to support the majority of your weight as you travelled back to the Slat.

Two streets.

Cobblestones.

Cobblestones hurtling up to meet you. Or was it you falling down?

And as your vision progressively became fuzzy, you were caught before your head made impact with the floor.

Black. Black and no cobblestones. No streets.

"Kaz!"

He glanced back to see her cradling your head to her chest, having squatted down at the last moment.

Now, her training would come into use. Her muscles had been built up in the air, swirling the silks and during the throwing of her knives to train in the Crows.

She repositioned her hands so one was at the back of your knees and the other looped over your lower back and carried on walking the winding paths.

Kaz was hurrying with more urgency now, Inej too. She quickened her pace and lengthened her steps to match his, so eventually they were almost jogging side by side, solemn and sorrowful.

The door to the Slat nearly burst off its hinges as it was carelessly flung open and Kaz hollered for Nina.

She rushed down the stairs, taking two at a time and didn't hesitate when seeing you, battered and bleeding. There was never any time to hesitate when any millisecond could make the difference between life and death.

Inej stayed by your side while Nina was trying her best to do what she could. She forced herself to witness the needle dipping through your flesh and envision it as a dance of sorts, so she wouldn't be sick.

Nina too left, just as Kaz had, after mentioning Jesper was probably sidetracked gambling for celebration after partaking in his section of the heist, unaware of the turmoil in the remaining Crow's hearts.

But Inej stayed. She always did and always would. You had stuck with her through everything, by her side as her friend and she as yours, each wishing the other was so much more.

Before you awoke, she considered what she would have said before. That she loved you. Did she? Inej was always so unsure if she could ever love anyone. But, she supposed, that was before you.

Your door was always open for her, no matter the time of day, letting her know you were there for her, just across the hallway.

The red fabrics could never follow her in there and it was a given she could rest easy, no longer thinking of the Menagerie.

You would always spare her a coffee and never accept her trying to pay you back. She probably owed you a hundred kruge by now, at least.

You would always buy her a small gift for her birthday. Last year it was an anklet with a glittering spider in the centre, to represent her ability to scale buildings and jump from rooftop to rooftop like it was nothing.

It must have sold for a lot, but you never specified exactly, making sure she had no way of knowing its true costly value.

And she knew as your eyes fluttered open, she was in love. The kind that if you were apart for weeks, hours, minutes it would feel as though years had passed.

"I love her."

It was a whispered confession: falling from Inej's lips like sweet honey, blurted out before she could help it.

"Who?"

She jumped. It took a lot to make her, the one who always monitored who was in the room, shocked, but she had been so lost in thought she hadn't seen you had been observing her.

She shook her head unbelievably swiftly them said, "That doesn't matter. You're awake."

She stood so she was leaning over you and helped you to sit up slowly, adjusting the pillows accordingly. You had a faint trace of a smile gracing your lips as you asked once more.

"No, tell me. It's important to know if my friend is in love."

It's important to know if you can ever be mine, and I yours.

Instead of answering she called for Nina, who checked your heartbeat and declared you only needed rest. She told you her conclusion with a wag of her finger and you knew what she was thinking. You would try to get up the first possible time you could.

She left once more and you gazed at Inej, all the stars in her eyes that were just as important, if not more so, to you than the Saints she so stubbornly believed in.

Those words accidentally toppled away from her and into the silence once again, only with a sentence added at the end.

"I love her. You."

"What?"

It was barely said at all, almost failing to reach her ears and she clarified, took the leap of faith she should have so long ago.

"I'm in love with you."

Your jaw dropped, mouth gaping open then closed, like a fish out of water. You had just processed what she had said when she began to stutter over her words, apologising and saying she understood.

It broke your heart and you were quick to reassure her you did love her too.

And you really did.

How she could dance over rooftops, never stumbling, the way her plait swayed as she walked and the determination in her eyes, the fire that hadn't been put out, even after all she'd been through.

"No I do understand, even if you don't want to be friends at all."

She stopped talking as you let out a pained grunt, manouvering your torso to sit up and legs to dangle over the edge of the bed.

"What are you-"

She didn't have a chance to finish her question and the last word was muffled against your mouth as your lips pressed to hers, your hand at the nape of her neck and hers automatically lifting to your cheek.

As you pulled away, you sported a confident smirk, and said, "If that wasn't confirmation I love you too, I can always, I don't know, try again?"

The stars in her eyes sparkled once more and she responded eagerly as she too grinned.

"Oh, I'm still not quite sure. Think you could help me out on that?"

You hummed affirmatively and your lips met for the second time out of many.

[x0401x]

Kagerou Poject Reboot: RealSound Interview

Jin x Shirakami Mashirou x Yuumao

Their takes on the changes that each of them has witnessed in the past ten years and the things they have been seeing in the whirlpool that is the VOCALOID scene.

Translation commissioned by the amazing @sodasexual​!

Celebrating the tenth anniversary of Kagerou Project, the Re:boot project has commenced. An interview has been carried out to ask about its background and prospects.

The ones we have interviewed are a trio consisting of the author of Kagerou Project and multi-creator Jin, as well as Shirakami Mashirou (bass) and Yuumao (drums/Hitorie), who are also production members of the original music piece and were listed as the performance team of “Children Record (Re:boot)”, which was released the other day as the first part of the Re:boot project.

We had them talk about the true intentions behind “Re:boot”, which means “to restart”, about the recordings where they created the concept of “overcoming the original composition” and about the near future, including the new song, along with the steps they have taken in the past ten years.

The “pain” that comes with creating something unprecedented.

——How did Kagerou Project’s Re:boot project begin?

Jin: Kagerou Project was set into motion back in 2011, so this year is the turning point of ten years since then. In that meantime, there were lots of things I fretted over, but as I discussed with the people around me about whether there was anything I could do, we came up with the idea of “remaking the old compositions”. I thought if that’s what we were going to do, then I wanted to try doing it with the original members of Children Record, so I contacted the two.

——How did each of you feel when Shirakami Mashirou-san and Yuumao-san received the proposal of a remake?

Jin: Regarding Mashirou-san, I was contacting him for the first in a long time. “Let’s go out for a drive,” I told him.

Shirakami: Right, right. We went on a car drive together. Just us seeing each other already felt nostalgic in itself, so we talked like normal about lots of things and were like, “Yeah, it was fun back then”. I felt that “Aah, I’m looking forward to this”.

Jin: While talking to the staff, I honestly felt uneasy about creating something new, even though it was a remake. If I had to use a word to represent these ten years in which I’ve been writing novels and making music for Kagerou Project, it was extremely “painful” to me. So I wanted to talk to Mashirou-san first-thing. On a different occasion, when a staff member asked me, “Have you been keeping in contact with Mashirou-san lately?”, I suggested, “If it’s okay, can I contact him myself?”, and then invited him for the drive. Rather than the request for the remake, I firstly wanted to discuss with him, “I’m planning on doing this thing; what do you think?”

Shirakami: There was one more person taking part in that drive, right?

Jin: That’s right. Since the coronavirus was going on, we went driving in three separate cars, and the third person was INPNE-kun, who made the video of Children Record Re:boot. That was INPINE-kun and Mashirou-san’s first meeting. At that time, INPNE-kun hadn’t started working on the video yet, but thinking back on it now, I’m glad the two of them were introduced to each other that way. It feels like our hearts bound the music and the video together.

——Yuumao-san, what about you?

Yuumao: Jin-kun and I were seeing each other constantly. I had received a request to tackle the recordings of the songs he had been making until now. Amidst that, there was a day when I received a request, amongst other matters, and was scheduled to “record Children Record”. Up to around three days before the recording, I spent my time wondering, “What’s this supposed to be?” (laughs).

——Jin-san, what did you think when choosing Shirakami-san and Yuumao-san, the original duo?

Jin: I only felt that I wanted to do it with these two. I didn’t have any other choice in the first place. I’m awfully fond of the contents that they performed in the original song, and I had no complaints other than towards my own abilities for making musical arrangements.

——You said earlier that “the past ten years were extremely painful”, but what kind of feeling was it?

Jin: The year when I began these activities, 2011, was the time when I was attending a vocational school; the band I was playing with back then disbanded midway, but by sheer coincidence, the older brother of a friend of mine was using VOCALOIDs and he taught me about them, so I really started doing it without any backing. Having played in a band until then, there was a lot of passion and many messages that I wanted to convey inside me, so this project was about me taking them and beginning to paddle off, and one of the aspects of it was that VOCALOID made the things I wanted to do into a reality. But that was a period where it felt like the VOCALOID culture wasn’t yet acknowledged. On top of that, other than the music, Kagerou Project had novels, and a lot of it had no precedents, so I believe there were parts of it that were difficult to understand for people who weren’t already into it. I didn’t know if the path I was going through was right or wrong. But the people around me kept telling me “not to take my foot off the accelerator”. In that sense, I definitely have negative memories of it. I also had the feeling that I was estranged from the music scene.

——Indeed, the music of Kagerou Project is unmistakably rock, and I believe it was something that pierced through Japan’s rock culture, but I think you might have felt that you were not understood by the rock bands of back then.

Jin: That’s right. Surprisingly, the people around me, including creators and those who were in bands, gave off an air of ridicule with a “he’s a faker” kind of nuance to it. I understood the awesomeness of rock bands, so of course, there were times when I’d wonder, “What is it that I’m doing?”. During these ten years, there was a moment halfway when I almost broke down. Due to many primary factors, I might’ve been unable to go on – like, there was a time when I found myself thinking that it was weird to keep it up while I was so at loss. There was also a period where I was unable to create anything for Kagerou Project.

——When did that happen, exactly?

Jin: Rather than breaking down all of a sudden, it’s more like I slowly became unable to create any more. Although I was being criticized on one side, I was also being demanded on another, so I was at a level where I was obligated to write. However, while all sorts of emotions were whirling up, I suddenly thought of something. There was a time when I got closure from that feeling of “not being acknowledged” that I mentioned earlier.

——When was that?

Jin: Around the time when I was making the previous album (“Mekakucity Reload”, which was released in November 2018). I was called “inexperienced” and “unskilled” not only in the rock scene but also in the light novel scene, so I made effort to sweep it all away. It felt like I was being treated like a tumor in everything I did. But then I suddenly thought, “Yeah, that’s fine”. There was a moment one day when the mists actually cleared, like, “What was I so at loss about?” It’s not like I’ve been going at it just so that someone would praise me. If anything, I lived my life constantly being made fun of. I’m no good at sports, I’m not smart, and I by no means did I ever excel at communicating with people at all. By the moment that I thought, if this is my character, then maybe being praised isn’t the only right answer, I was suddenly alleviated. If I’m being called a “child deceiver”, then I’m going to do that with all my might and apply myself to it, is what I thought. I refused to go to school for a while when I was in middle school, yet I had the feeling that I wanted to face this part of me, not in a fashionable or trendy way but in a miserable state, and fight him head-on. I guess that’s what suited me best. To me, Shirakami-san and Yuumao-san are people with a “chosen vision”. They have the sense to perceive beauty. I think I don’t have that in me. Which is why I was in pain. I was in a dilemma where I couldn’t grasp music as an art. However, it’s not like I’m making fun of hamburgers, but I started to think that I wanted to compete using something punk, something hamburger-like. It took me a while to get there.

——How do you feel after listening to what Jin-san just said, Yuumao-san and Shirakami-san?

Yuumao: Jin-kun said just now that he was “fretting” and “stuck”, but I knew about his circumstances to a certain extent, so I imagined that he was unable to move on. But while talking about all sorts of things with Jin-kun, when producing stuff in the last three to four years, we had the feeling that it basically boils down to “if we don’t provide this and that, it won’t be interesting”. This isn’t limited to KagePro – I just personally felt that the productions of his works were shifting towards not “making something good”, but rather making something that could be properly verbalized. For me, as someone on the performing side, I was also in a situation where, rather than just providing good content one way or another, I became increasingly able to explain it. In the end, we change just like that, is what I felt. And you base yourself on this to make new songs, right?

Jin: That’s right.

Yuumao: Thought so. That’s why I feel like the stuff that will come from you in the future will have stronger colors.

——Shirakami-san, what about you? How did the scenario change in the past decade and how do you think that you have been progressing as a musician?

Shirakami: The biggest change that I felt the most on my skin is that the huge Vocaloid movement itself has completely gained familiarity with the public in the last ten years. About a while after I had started associating with Mafumafu-kun, amongst the musicians that I’ve met, the number of people who came up to tell me, “I’ve been listening to Vocaloid” has increased. It’s been one round ever since we began doing this stuff, and the people who were the consumers back then became producers, is what I mean. That’s not us, the first generation – it’s a kind of follower generation, and we’ve completely permeated them. The context of what was born not only from VOCALOID but also the so-called internet culture has blended with the category named “ordinary rock bands”. That’s what I’ve been feeling for three or four years now. Therefore, the “feeling of being a knock-off” that Jin-kun innitially talked about has disappeared with the change of times, so to speak. I feel this keenly even in regards to myself and I think it’s an objective truth. However, from a personal point of view, even though changes are happening in many places, what is fundamentally required of us hasn’t changed much. For example, I believe that VTubers are also getting public familiarity now, but I think the reason why VTubers are trendy is that there are human beings underneath. For VOCALOID, too, the composers, so-called Vocalo-P’s, are the ones who get popularity, and one way or another, there’s also a phenomenom where the songs sung by popular Utaite become widespread. In the end, I think what matters is the fact that there are people behind it. I personally think we have to create stuff that we can be proud of while paying close attention to these things. In short, just because all internet content is intangible isn’t enough; we, the creators, have to carry the literacy of how society is going to approve of us.

Jin: That’s right. I think that VOCALOID music up to this point, Kagerou Project included, will have to be supplemented. Since we have words that are so easy to understand, such as “rock band”, “singer” and “songwriter”, for example, people go, “What the heck is a Vocalo-P, then?” At first, there was this impression that we were being given a weird alias by strangers, and I also felt like the adults, the people who are in control of the media, made us into something easy to digest. In regards to “deceiving children”, in order to earn money the fastest with it and make it spread the widest, the most effective method was probably to make it marketable, simple to understand and easy for adults to put labels on.

Therefore, I think that things such as “What is it that I can’t give up on?” and “What did I even want to do to begin with?” are the true identity of the realization that I mentioned earlier. It’s like wondering whether or not you can say aloud in the middle of a classroom that you “enjoy anime” or “really like cute characters”. Back in those days, I couldn’t to it at all. The class had castes. But I want to say this in a loud voice. Rather than trendy and fashionable overseas music, I much sooner believe in Summon Night EX-THESE’s theme song (“Byakuya” by Matsumoto Eiko) and other such music that I’ve always liked. Therefore, I want to start off from the fact that people think, “Aah, this guy has no sense”. It’s like I’m saying sorry to my middle school second-year self for almost forgetting the feelings I had back then. I seriously don’t care about winning. Being number one or being famous doesn’t matter at all to me. Only, I just don’t want people to act on their own accord like I’m a loser. I think that means I want to do something to fix this.

Earning recognition for creating KagePro content is still a few ways ahead.

——Back in 2013, we had a conversation between Jin-san and Suganami Eijun-san from THE BACK HORN, and back then, Jin-san said, “I’m handing bombs over to my grade school and middle school selves”. And that live concerts were the detonators.

Jin: That’s right.

——Regarding KagePro, I feel that this thing about “handing bombs over” is very prominent. Just as Shirakami-san said, VOCALOID “earned its own rights”, but in KagePro’s case, when I see the responses to the reboot, each and every one of the comments is very passionate.

Yuumao: Lately, be it with KagePro or Hitorie, the number of people who say either that they’re listening or had been listening to VOCALOID in the past year and a half has truly increased a lot. I kind of feel on my skin that many people are getting rooted in it.

——Jin-san, do you feel this too?

Jin: No, I don’t. This is a twisted way of putting it, but I think it’s a few ways ahead for us to receive that evaluation. I feel like it’s not over yet. When I started off by myself and decided to move on from my child self to the future, I wasn’t acknowledged by my elders and seniors. I feel inside me that this still isn’t over. I intend to be in a whirlpool. It hasn’t been proven yet whether I’m a knock-off or not. It makes me really happy that there are people who were influenced by us, but that opinion doesn’t make me change my mind.

——Jin-san, how do you think of KagePro in the near future?

Jin: When I look toward the future, I simply want to finish it. I will be taking my time to create content, but first things first, I want to devote myself to the completion of this project. I definitely won’t abandon it midway. I have this firmly in mind now. As for its contents, it’s mainly two things. For now, firstly, we have started the reboot from Children Record, but of course, there’s also a reboot for the project’s story. Moreover, there will be new developments coming next. There are also new songs and new stuff story-wise. And I want to do them with these two members, for as much as they allow. There’s the possibility that I’ll be making the drums play at 200 BPM when we’re in our 50’s. I think the announcements will be slow, but I’m very positive about this, so I myself am looking forward to it too. And, on the other hand, I also would like to ask these two for their ideas in regards to making music for this project and their opinions, like what they want to work hard on.

——What do you mean?

Jin: I honestly think that Children Record was extremely well-done. When it comes to creating something new, I want to destroy the approach that I’ve been using until now. How about it?

Shirakami: If we’re talking about approach, I believe we’ve been witnessing all sorts of possibilities. We went to studios together the past ten years for that, but we can also do it online like we did this time. Ah, we haven’t gone on a training camp yet.

Jin: I want to go on one.

Yuumao: For sure.

Shirakami: That might be interesting too. Now, if we’re talking just about the bass, it seems this production will turn out as one where I’ll get to confirm once again up to what point I can go – that’s what I thought when listening to you talk. I think the stance of trying to challenge yourself no matter how much you age is, of course, the way that musicians should be and I believe that challenging myself is the path I’m going to take, but there are genres, ideologies and aestheticss when it comes to music makers and performers. Personally, amongst the things that I’ve been producing together with Jin-kun until now, whenever we had a subject in front of us, we would only think about how to do our utmost to give a displayable form to it, but be it with the phrasing, nuance or melody, I feel like we have options for all of them. In a sense, there’s a side of Yuumao and I that has been branded as performers as we worked on productions with Jin-kun. So the extension of the straight line that we have been charting until now is, of course, still there. Now that ten years have passed, if I can make new songs with you from now on, I seriously think it might be okay to reflect once again on how my style is being processed. It’s as if it has matured. I have chosen this job out of free will, so one way or another, I’m aware that it’ll be important to keep polishing it from now onwards.

Jin: Thank you very much. That’s literally it. Even in the current Children Record, I think there’s some aspect of it that was made up from the minds of you two, the rhythm section members. Both Mashirou-san and Yuumao-san make new proposals every time. You never try to trace the past at all. The way you think about sound is insanely serious.

Yuumao: I’m planning to do my best to create sounds in a more loose manner from now on. As for what I mean by “loose”, to put it simply, I think it’s quite important to be inspired by present-time musical instruments, and that we get influence from that, when we’re making the sound details. I think it’s bad if we don’t accept and face these things. In particular, I believe that the bass and drums are the parts that change the most. KagePro won’t change yet it has changed, and I think we should keep bringing out that aspect of it.

――Indeed, as a concept, this reboot is not something made to arrange things in a completely different direction from before. Be it a ballad or programmed music, for instance, there would be nothing of that in it. It’s a remake, a rebuild – at any rate, it felt like you are building it up.

Jin: Thank you very much. In the end, we also shouldn’t think that we just perfomed it over again. So it felt like a rematch. We were all at home, but we did that recording ready to beat our selves from about eight years ago. What should I do to make the original members say that this one “was cooler” than the precious song called Children Record? I think I was able to find an answer to that one.

Shirakami: In a way, using VOCALOID might have been its forte. For example, whenever a band remade a song from ten years ago, I usually felt that “the vocals have none of the freshness that they had back then” or “the reckless feel from that time was better”. But because it’s VOCALOID, that part doesn’t change. It might be that we managed to grant positive changes only to the good points.

Jin: I see. I think that’s possible. My mindset this time was to play the guitar so much that my fingers would bleed. I want to take on more challenges from now onward too.

[fanmoose12]

What if in the time skip Hange had to travel during the timeskip to learn about technology or strategy with Yelena and Levihan keep on talking by letters during the time apart? Started with passionate ramblings and ended with both talking about the 104thkids, life and themselves🥺

Levi!

I'm writing you to inform that I've safely arrived to Marley. Yelena provided me with housing and food. She guarantees I'd be safe here. Tomorrow I'll meet with their engineers. They're all Paradis’ sympathetisers so I'm totally safe here. Besides, Yelena and Onyakopon are keeping an eye on me. So don't worry and take care of everything while I'm gone.

I promise to return as quick as possible. Say hi to the kids.

Take care, 

Hange 

_____________

Hange.

Is it safe for you to write letters? You're not using our code, so I guess no one is reading it, but you and me. Or did you just forget that someone can intercept our letters? Please, don't tell me that you did.

Also, do you understand that by writing that Yelena and Onyakopon are watching over you, you're making me worry even more? I know you want to trust them, but be cautious around them. Don't let your guard down.

We're doing just fine, the construction of railroad is going well.

How is your work going? How many death tools you've devised already?

Don't forget to eat and sleep, 

Levi

_____________

Levi!

Of course, sending letters is safe. Onyakopon is the one who takes care of my correspondence. I know you're still wary of them, I admit, I don't trust Yelena too, but Onyakopon is a good man, I can trust him on this. So don't you worry, I'm not accidentally endangering myself or the fate of our operation. I have everything under control.

Speaking of things under my control, the development of new weapons is going great! Using, the information and instruments I've been provided with, I was able to achieve a lot. I'm not going to tell you about it, I'll need more than one page for that, and I don't have a lot of time for letters, but I'm sure you're going to love our new weapons. Of course, I'll need to modify them a bit, to accommodate for scout's fighting style, but I'm feeling good about this.

How are you doing? How are the others? Did something peculiar happen? If so, please write to me about this. These Marleyans are boring as hell, I can use some laugh right now. Take care and be safe.

Lots of love, 

Hange

_____________

Hange.

So you're making lots of progress. That's good. Don't overwork yourself, though. Take all the time you need, we'll be fine without you.

You asked for a story about brats, and I do have something to tell. I’m sure you’ll love it. 

You've told me many times to stop checking on them during the night and I was following your advice. But yesterday I was heading to the kitchen to brew myself a cup of tea, and I heard some commotion upstairs. I hurried there, worried that something had happened, and you never guess what was going on. The brats were chasing each other through the hallway with pillows in their hands. Even Mikasa was involved in this, I expected better from her. They were so into their stupid game, it took them a full minute to notice me. Once they did, they had enough sense to look ashamed. I ordered them to go sleep, but even afterwards I heard their whisperings. They grew so tall, but, goddamn it, they're still little, annoying brats.

Hope this story is enough to make you cackle, Hange, because I can't remember anything else they've done. They're strangely calm without you. Makes me uneasy, to be honest.

Maybe, they'll be back to normal, once you return.

I hope you'll come home soon.

Until the next letter.

Levi

_____________

Levi!!!!

What did you cross out? I'm really curious! I've tried to use different sources of light to see through it, but you've done a good job of hiding it.

By the way, are you saying that the kids miss me? Tell them I miss them too.

I do have a question - are they the only ones who miss me? Feel free not to answer it, I know you're too shy to do it.

The work has been doing fine, maybe, I'll be able to finish in the next few weeks, but who knows how long I'm going to stay here. Yelena and Onyakopon can't just let me fly back home, they need to devise a safe route for me first. They say it may take another month or two, before I can return. Try not to forget about me in the meantime, yeah?

Sending you hugs!

Hange

_____________

Hange.

Two more months? What the fuck?

Everything is alright. There is nothing to report.

Levi

_____________

Dear Armin,

I hope you and Jean are doing everything in your power to keep your friends in line. I know you're busy as it is and I know I'm asking too much of you, but can you please keep an eye on Levi? I worry about him a bit, and it'll make feel better if you check up on him.

Thanks for all the hard work you do!

Take care,

Commander Hange

_____________

Commander!

Please, don't worry about us, you have enough on your plate as it is. Captain is a bit melancholic, it's true, but I'm sure he'll get better once you return.

In the meantime, I'll think of a way to cheer up our Captain! You can count on me!

The others had asked to pass their best wishes to you. We're eagerly awaiting your return.

Armin

P.S. Sasha just told me that she convinced Niccolo to prepare a celebratory dinner for you. So, as you can see, everyone misses you. The corps are not the same without you. I'm hoping for your swift return.

_____________

Hey,

What the fuck? Why do you send letters to the brat, while I received no response to my last one?

And what was in that letter, by the way? Armin refused to show me. Are you keeping secrets from me, Hange?

Hopefully, you'll answer this letter.

Levi

_____________

My dearest Captain Grump,

I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings, but there was something I needed to discuss with Armin. It's boring stuff, you wouldn't like it. Do tell me how you're doing, I'm very curious about it. Are you sleeping well? I hope the nightmares don't bring you too much trouble. If they do, then I'm sorry that I can't be by your side to help.

If something bothers you, please tell me about it. I'll try to help in whatever way I can.

Sincerely yours,

Hange

_____________

Hange,

Everything is fine, don't worry. You have more important stuff right now.

The brats act really weird. Today they asked me to accompany them to a trip into town. I can't even imagine their reason for it, but they practically begged me to join, I had no other choice than to agree.

The walk through town was... Nice. The weather was good, sunny but not too hot, just as you like it. Something was wrong with the brats, however. They kept staring at me, Iike I've grown a second head. It annoyed me, although I do have to admit I was feeling strangely too. During the whole day, I kept looking back as though something was missing. Maybe, I'm just exhausted.

We visited my favorite café and then went to a marketplace. The cleaning supplies were running low, so it was fortunate that the brats were with me, they helped me carry everything I needed. I bought something for you too, it already waits for you at your table. I hope it won't be covered in dust by the time you come back.

Take care,

Your Levi

_____________

Dear Levi,

Oh nooo, you went for a walk with kids? I'm so envious! I'm cooped up here all the time, Onyakopon doesn't even let me leave my room during daytime. I'm feeling like a wilted flower. The sun here is so bleak, I can't figure the reason for it, but it's nearly not as bright as in Paradis. It's too cold there as well.

On the bright side, they have lots of meat here, (see, I'm eating healthily). Although, it's a bit dry for my taste. You're going to laugh at me, but I'm actually missing the broth from our cafeteria. Maybe, I'm just going crazy with boredom.

I'm finished with the work, and now I'm waiting for the signal from Yelena. Onyakopon says it could take a few weeks, but I'm getting impatient. I can't wait to be back home. Hopefully, you're waiting for me too.

Sincerely yours,

Hange

P.S. I just reread your letter and what? You bought me a gift? What is it, Levi? Tell me what is it! You know me, I won't be able to sleep until you tell me.

_____________

Hange,

If I find out that you're not getting enough sleep, I'll kick Yelena's and Onyakopon's asses. Then I'll kick yours.

You'll see it when you get home. So quell your curiosity.

Wish you all the best, miss you so much

Levi

_____________

Levi!!!!!!!

Yelena just came back, she told that everything is ready for my departure! I'm so excited! I can't wait to see all of you, I missed you so much!

I'm going to warn you, though, once I return, I'm going to hug you, and no, you can't refuse or run away from me. It's commander's orders.

Lots of love,

Your Hange

P.S. there is a second part of this letter. It describes the details of my trip. For safety reasons, I've used our code to write it. See? I do take precautions.

_____________

Hange

Thanks for your letter. I showed it to Jean and Armin (only the coded part), they're getting ready for your arrival.

Have a safe trip.

The brats and I are waiting.

Hopefully this is the last letter I ever write to you, don’t leave me alone again

Levi.

[mymedlife]

Guys, the pandemic has broken me. Every time we seem to be making any progress I feel like we get set back again.

Sorry for the long rant ahead, but I feel like I need to get it out of my head.

Back in the beginning, last March or so, when the state I'm living in shut down, I felt like I could do it. Daycare shut down for almost 3 months to prevent spread.

My husband's job changed his hours to 10a to 8p since everyone was working remotely so they could all be working on the same time zone.

My cofellows were generous enough to switch shifts so I could work all nights and weekends and watch my kiddo during the day. Which kind of sucked, because she doesn't play independently for very long, o was tired, hubby wanted it quiet, and everything was closed so there wasn't anywhere to go to break up the monotony.

Work was filled with frequent changes around what protective equipment we have and what is required to be worn where. I got fitted for 3 different N95s because we kept running out, despite having to check them out and have them sterilized between uses.

I had frequent discussions about how COVID is real with families who refused testing. Parents lied about their symptoms to be allowed into the hospital with their kids, including one who collapsed mid visit due to respiratory failure. Several people ended up having to quarantine because they weren't wearing their N95s during the resuscitation as it was unexpected (at the time we were only wearing N95s during aerosolizing procedures including bagging). This lead to a new rule on not stopping in to help until you have the proper equipment on (which makes sense, but but is so hard).

Early on I spent some time volunteering for the COVID hotline for my state. Most of the questions I got were people upset that things were closing. There were very few health calls.

My aunt died. My sister, a psychologist, argued with her boss she should get a raise for being a frontline worker. My other sister, who is immunocompromised, was mad that all her friends continued to party guilt free and we kept telling her to stay home. My husband began to enjoy his new schedule to the point that he would stay up until 3am playing games after work (the kid was asleep and I was working) and sleep until he had to work at 10 am. My friends talked about their new lock down hobbies, including my co fellow who spent her time creating a new lecture series for the residents. I felt like I was trending water, I started getting behind on fellowship things and I was so tired. My kiddo was happy that I was spending more time with her, and it all was temporary, right?

Eventually things started opening up again. Daycare returned. Two days later my husband was fired. Thankfully he found a job within a few months, but during that time was quick to anger and his staying up all night playing games and sleeping most of the day got worse. He dismissed anything I had to say about it and frequently promised to sleep earlier, later saying he had to stay up because the kid had a nightmare that I slept through.

During this time, many of my pediatrician friends were called to see adults due to high patient volumes and doctor shortages. Luckily I only had to see kids, but there was still a lot of mystery surrounding symptoms and the discovery of the multi system inflammatory syndrome.

My kiddo got sent home a few times from daycare for vague symptoms that necessitated a COVID test, and at one point she was at home with me for 2 weeks due to a COVID positive exposure in class. My husband's job was new so he couldn't take off time to help. At some point things shifted so I was now doing all the daycare pickup and drop-off as well as all the bedtimes (unless I was physically at work).

Following Breonna Taylor and George Floyd there were large scale protests around the downtown area, where my hospital is located. I wholeheartedly support the movement, but someone told my kid it was dangerous to go downtown, and she became fearful of me going to work. This combined with the break in at our home lead to sleep refusal. Something I had to help he with, leading to bedtime taking hours, because my husband would yell at her. Most nights I was too tired after getting her to bed to do much, which lead to more work piling up.

Job hunting was not as fun as I had hoped it would had been. I had one in person interview, everything else was virtual. Thinking about working at a place I've never seen was terrifying.

Many places simply ghosted me. Lots weren't hiring. A few went on a hiring freeze after my interview.

Every interview asked what hobby I developed during lockdown. I admittedly could have answered this question better, and explained that I survived the lockdown with a toddler and that was an accomplishment.

My home institution decided to go with my co fellow over me. When I asked my mentor why she said they felt she had more to contribute to medical education than I do. I'm convinced that in part this has to do with all the lectures she wrote during lockdown.

I was able to get a job, but it's at a smaller community ED where we have a few beds in an adult ED. I mentioned to my associated program director I was a little disappointed, and suddenly everyone is telling me to be thankful for what I have.

I can be thankful and disappointed at the same time.

I think the biggest thing is a fear that if I hate this job I wont ever be able to find another one.

I also kind of resent my kid and husband, if I had more support or time to focus on fellowship things may have been different.

But life goes on. The vaccine was created, things opened up, and now those who aren't vaccinated can stop masking.

The my body my choice people who previously refused to mask are pleased, and now there are barely any masks when I go out (despite a not great vaccination rate in my area).

My kid is 3 and cant get the vaccine, so we still wear them. She loves to whine about how the others don't wear their masks. "It's not fair."

No, it really isn't.

Masks are still required in the hospital, which parents complain about daily. Recently every time I recommend a COVID test it has been refused. The pandemic is over. Kids can't get COVID. And other nonsense.

Kids as young as 12 can get vaccinated. However there is real concern about post vaccine myocarditis. Now everyone who comes in with chest pain wants to complain, even if they are unvaccinated.

Things have been stressful, and my kid is picking up on that. She still has trouble sleeping and has started having tantrums. We recently had a meeting with daycare and they want us to have seen by psych to get her evaluated.

I've found that I've lost interest in most of my hobbies, not that I have a lot of time for them. Fellowship finished and I have the next two weeks off before starting my new job. I was planning on spending it sleeping, cleaning the house, getting out the baby stuff as we are expecting a new little one in a couple of months, and rediscovering my hobbies.

Today I had an awful migraine. I cant take the meds I usually take because of the pregnancy, and my OB wont prescribe anything because he is worried about masking signs of preeclampsia. My husband refused to get up to watch the kid because he was tired, so I pushed through until he was ready to get up.

I lay down to try to get a nap and I get a call that there has been a case of COVID at daycare, and they will be closing for 2 weeks. They will open up the day I start my new job.

And this my friends is what has broken me.

I was so looking forward to finally have time for self care, and now I get to play stay at home mom again with my kid who is in isolation.

After that call I got up and left the house. I'm sitting in my car at the park writing this, and while I know I will go back home eventually, I'm tempted to drive off and let my husband deal with this for a change.

[cafeinthemoon]

Madara with s/o who’s secretly developing a new (and dangerous) jutsu 🔥

And finally we have the third Grandpa with is s/o doing dangerous things under his nose haha As I said before, each Founder’s part ended up too long so I divided the request in three and I hope the anon who requested it don’t get mad at me because of this XD Anyway, if you want to read what I wrote for Hashirama and Tobirama, you can click on their names 😉

Now let’s go to see Madara’s reaction!

Fandom: Naruto | Madara Uchiha

Symbols: 💗 | ◻ | ▶▶

As you can easily imagine, things are way different when it comes to Madara in such situation

Because unlike his partners who took some time to actually go after you and find out what you’ve been up to, he does it right at the first night

Okay, you use to went out every night for your personal training and that’s not strange at all, but that time he notices little differences in the process

An extra pack of ink tub and scrolls that you decide to put on your bag, a change of clothes (something you never carry with you in normal training sessions), extra medicine, these kind of things

Everything is pointing to two possibilities: whether you’re going to stay out for longer or you’re creating/perfecting a technique, and a complex one

Madara is not only an observant man: he’s curious, and unlike the Senjus the idea of invading your privacy is not enough to stop him from following you that night

It’s how he finds out you’ve been working to create a new jutsu

But you’ve created other jutsu before. Why would you have to hide the process of this one from him?

The only way to find out is to watch you perform it and understand of kind of jutsu you’re creating

At first, he’s content in doing it. He’s interested in your technique, as well as to see how far you can get with it

But at the end of the session, he notices you’re more tired than you usually get after training

The obvious explanation is in the jutsu: it is not finished yet, so the amount of chakra it demands is yet to be defined. But he’s confident that you’ll soon find a way to fix this

He’s careful enough to go back home before you so you don’t notice he was out

When you cross the door, he comes to help you since you’re exhausted. He does the basic stuff to take care of you: runs you a bath, washes your hair, change your clothes, bring you some food and take you to bed

He has done this before after you came back from difficult missions

He also avoids questioning you, so you never get suspicions

And things stay like this for the next days

However, Madara sees that your tiredness is increasing at each night, and contrary to what he thought, you don’t do anything to fix the problem of chakra control

Is it possible that you’re unaware of the problem? No, it can’t be. You’re smarter than this

And because he refuses to see that you are in fact unaware of it, he doesn’t interfere, and your bruises and waste of chakra get worse as time passes

(Still, the jutsu is progressing in its other aspects, so you’re hopeful about completing it in the next days)

One night, he finally acknowledges your failure and decided to intervene

And thank God he does that in time

Now the jutsu is almost complete, you are almost at the final stage of your work and making the final moves, but the possibility of this being your death is real and Madara can’t let this happen while he’s watching

When he leaves his spot and grabs you in his arms, stopping you from completing the hand seals, you are frightened

You weren’t expecting to have company, and once you look in his eyes you understand everything

He has been watching you all this time, and maybe in the previous nights, ready to take action in case things get out of control

But things are under control right now, so why did he do that?, you ask yourself right before passing out with exhaustion

When you wake up, you notice you are back in your room. Each part of your body hurts and the morning light enters through the window. You can’t even think clearly

Only then you realize that the amount of chakra consumed by your jutsu was something abnormal (and that you should have paid more attention to that)

After falling asleep and waking up again, you finally manage to remember what happened that night: you were about to do something really irresponsible, but lucky you, Madara was there and stopped you

You look around and spot him entering the door with some medicine

At the exact moment your looks meet, he leaves the medicine aside and approaches you

He sits by your side and puts his palm on your forehead

“Fortunately, y/n, the fever diminished during the night. It is probably the effect of the treatment I’ve been applying to your bruises”

You don’t reply. You just nod with the energy you got

“Some of them will heal soon. Others are more serious”

How serious?, you want to ask

“Serious enough to keep you on this bed for the next days and not even think of performing any jutsu during this period” he says as if he just read your thoughts

There are many things you want to say, you want to ask, but you sense this is not the time

You two just exchange a look that says everything: you will talk about what happened when you’re recovered

Madara is a practical and organized man when he needs to be

He chooses a good medical ninja to examine you as the first measure and makes sure their instructions are being followed

However he prefers to do everything by himself

Not that you find it bad, though: he knows you better than anyone, so he knows how to take care of you

If you need to leave the bed for a moment (because lying all the day can be tiring too), he takes you out of the room at the right time. If you just want to stay quiet and alone in bed, he leaves you there

He seems to sense any minor discomfort you have and act to diminish it: a massage to cease the tiredness in your muscles, a lotion to the bruises that are still burning, stuff like this

Finally you are fully capable of leaving the bed and the house without help

You’re not getting back to work yet, but now you’re able to have the conversation about the incident

You tell him everything from the start: how the idea of the jutsu came out, your reasons to take it ahead, your measures to protect yourself and why you didn’t give up despite the risk of the technique

You also explain that no, you never noticed the failure responsible for the unbalanced chakra consumption that almost killed you. You only noticed that when you were under the treatment, and were willing to tell this to him

Madara listens to you without interrupting. Indeed, he seems interested in everything you have to tell about this jutsu

At the end of your explanation, you understand why

He says he has been observing your progress with the jutsu since the first night, when he found out about your project, and that he quickly noticed the failure in it

However, he didn’t want to interfere and were hoping that you would fix the failure soon, which you didn’t. And that’s why he stopped you from finishing the technique

Here you see the difference etween being with Madara and being with anyone else: somehow you’re not surprised to know that you’ve been followed, nor angry that he waited to stop you in a crucial point. Instead, you’re willing to know what he has in mind. You never think of the present; it’s always about the future

“Y/n, at first I was just moved by curiosity about your secret project, but the more I learned from it, the more I wanted to know. Now that you revealed the ideology behind it, not only I find this jutsu of yours impressive, but I believe it would be a mistake not to finish it”

You hold your breath. But you almost died because of this jutsu ???

He smiles, guessing your thoughts

“I will help you to fix the failure. And then you will try the jutsu on me”

He states that though he can understand the theory behind the jutsu, there are some details he can only check if he experiences it on himself

You can’t help smiling

Yes, it’s a practical solution for a big problem, but it also points out Madara’s level of self confidence and enthusiasm. The proposal sounds like something only he would do, and this is so funny

Yet it’s your only chance to save your technique and make all your hard work pay off, so you accept it and immediately start to make plans

Of course it will take some days until you can go to the first session because you’re still weak

But once you get better, you will start to work

When the day finally comes, you are nervous, but determined

The first thing Madara asks you is to perform the technique and be prepared, because he will stop it at the moment when the failure shows

He wants to understand where exactly is the problem

You do this a few times until he finds it

You make a pause and he explains the situation. You say you noticed the nature of the failure too, but couldn’t find a counteraction for it

Well, Madara has an idea, and he tells it to you

It involves changing one or two hand seals and alter the way you manage your chakra at same moment

You try again following these instructions. It’s not that easy, but you do your best

And to your joy, it works

You try other times, and soon your body memorizes the procedure

You write down new notes on your scroll and revise them with Madara

At the end of the day, you are tired, but feeling rewarded. You also apologize for not asking for his help before, even though you already told him you wanted to prove your own value by doing everything by yourself

He says you don’t need to apologize now that the jutsu is finally completed, and makes you promise that you will always try your new techniques on him from now on

You laugh hard at this and do your promise

[watchmegetobsessed]

Forgiving - Tom Holland

alright so this was vaguely based on a dream i had? idk how to feel about it, but i felt the need to write it bc it’s been on my mind for two days so here we are.

summary: You and Tom like to experiment sexually. After having your first ever threesome with him and an unknown guy you realize it was not what you wanted but you’re afraid to come clear to Tom. 

word count: 2.3k

warning: slightly sexual? kinda NSFW, not too detailed threesome, some emotional stuff going on i reall don’t know

masterlist

Sex has always been about experiments for you. Ever since the beginning, your curiosity has been driving you along to try more things, find what you like, expand your boundaries. It has been all about being pleasured and to pleasure. Through the years you can easily say you’ve tried more than the average, explored unknown territories from time to time, mapped your own body, figured out what works best for you. It was all just about satisfaction, not too much about the emotions, until you met Tom.

The shy smiles he sent you at the pub that night, keeping his gaze fixed on your while his friends were trying to catch his attention, he surely caught your eye. He luckily worked up the courage to talk to you, ending up talking with you for hours before it was closing hours. The two of you exchanged numbers without hesitation and the rest is history. It’s been almost an entire year and you are confident to say you are completely and utterly in love with him. You found the person who doesn’t just clicks with you on the field of humor, interests and passions… but he shares your curiosity about undiscovered levels of sex.

You still remember the open and honest conversation you had with him just two months into the relationship. You felt nervous to bring it up, a little scared about his reaction, but he seemed just as excited as you, interested to try out things you’ve already did. It took the two of you some time to catch up with each other and get to the part where new things were unexplored by the both of you.

Experiencing these things with Tom made it all way more intense than before. The trust and love you’ve been feeling since the beginning turned it into something so much more intimate and memorable. See him grow, delving into sides of himself he hasn’t connected with and just be there for him, with him, makes you feel fulfilled. It surely brings you another level of satisfaction you haven’t been able to experience with anyone else.

You don’t think anything into it when the idea of having a threesome comes up. It has surely been a thought you played with, but didn’t feel ready yet. However, when it just casually comes up between the two of you one evening, you are surprised to see how interested Tom has been too.

“Definitely thought about it,” he hums to himself, glancing up at you from his phone while you lie next to him, tugged under the covers comfortably.

“In which setup?” you question, your teeth sinking into your bottom lip.

“Both,” he confidently answers. “But I have to admit, I thought more about the two women one man version,” he smirks and you smile back at him.

“Yeah? Had anyone in mind for the third party?”

“Not specifically, no,” he truthfully admit and you believe him. An agreement has been made in the beginning to be open and honest about anything regarding your experiments and you trust Tom with keeping his word as you do the same.

“How about you, Darling?”

“I have a few celebrities in mind, but that doesn’t count,” you smirk at him coyly before bringing back the seriousness into the conversation. “Would you want to give it a try?”

Tom thinks about it, clearly chewing his answer before he nods shortly, his eyes returning to yours.

“I think yes. But only with a person we would never ever meet again.”

“I agree,” you smile at him.

Somehow, in the upcoming weeks, the situation progresses fairly and quite steadily. Following a few more discussions you end up choosing to have another man participate in your intimate session and the two of you reach out to a professional party, wanting to make sure you don’t just fetch someone up from the street. You choose a guy based on three photos and a short description. His name is Lucas and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, it all seems like it’s going to go smoothly, he is even up for signing and NDA, something you both agreed would be essential in your current situation.

You don’t feel particularly nervous that evening you and Tom head to the hotel where you booked a room for the occasion. It was evident you wouldn’t let the third party into your bedroom, so Tom was quick to look for a room.

Holding hands, you arrive and check in, Lucas texts you that he’ll be arriving in ten when you walk into the elegant looking room. The bed is huge, could easily fit three people and you bet Tom paid extra attention to this detail.

“Hey,” Tom catches your attention when there’s still a few minutes until Lucas arrives. His hand slides into yours, squeezing it gently. “Whenever you want it to stop, just tell me, alright?” he softly tells you and it warms your heart to know that he just wants to make sure you’re comfortable with whatever happens.

“Same goes for you,” you smile at him. Leaning down he kisses you lovingly, murmuring a quiet I love you before letting go of you.

All your past experiences in sex couldn’t prepare you to what a threesome would bring to you.

It all starts just fine. Lucas is just as likable as you thought, completely open to anything you had in mind. Tom has one rule that he makes clear in the beginning: Lucas can’t kiss you, that’s just for him. And that’s a rule you easily agree with.

After a short round of do’s and don’ts you finally get down to business. Right from the beginning there’s a slightly numbing feeling in the back of your mind that you just can’t put anywhere and you are not even paying enough attention to it to figure it out. One thing follows the other and you are so focused on what’s in front of you that you are too overwhelmed to analyze your own feelings that keep just piling inside you, pushed down inside your guts until they finally erupt.

It’s happens when Lucas is inside you for the first time. Immediately, you think it must just be the unfamiliarity that you are too used to Tom, so you keep going, focusing on your boyfriend who is kissing you in the meanwhile, ushering his hand to his erection. You’re eager to please him first and utmost, but each time Lucas slides inside you, it’s like something breaks in you.

You don’t want him to be inside you. You don’t want anyone else either, just Tom. It doesn’t feel right, you want to stop it, but then you get scared, because it seems like Tom is enjoying himself and you don’t want to ruin the experience for him. So swallowing your tears you keep going until your body refuses to continue. As you get off of Lucas, you try your best to make it look like you just want a change, your hands eagerly pull Tom with you, urging him to take Lucas’ place and when you finally feel him inside you, you still can’t enjoy it the way you’d want. Clinging onto him, you are breathlessly praying to forget what it feels like to be touched by someone else than him, but the foreign, burning feeling of Lucas’ touch still stains your skin and you wish you could just shed it, get rid of it. Burn it.

Drained. That’s how you feel when the night eventually ends. Lucas doesn’t stay any longer, he thank you both that you chose him and wishes you a great rest of the night before he takes off. Lying in bed, you are still fighting your tears back, feeling nothing like yourself. You hear Tom making his way back to the bed, but before he could see the torn expression on your face, you quickly jump out of bed and lock yourself up in the bathroom. With no clothes on, you don’t waste any time to stand under the hot water, hoping it would wash away this restless feeling. Sitting down in the walk-in shower you take some time to figure out what you really feel.

You remember clearly the lustful look in Tom’s eyes, the way he seemed to be enjoying it fully. And you just now realize that’s what hurt more. That it didn’t affect him the way it affected you. Feeling another man do things only Tom does to you made you want to scream, it simply didn’t feel right and you wanted it to end. While it seemed like he didn’t. Like he didn’t mind seeing you with another man and it makes you question if he loves you the same way you love him.

Didn’t he feel jealous? Did he like seeing you like that? Didn’t he want it to stop? The questions flood your mind entirely, making it impossible for you to think about anything else.

Time is completely forgotten as you remain seated on the ground, the water flowing down your face, mixing with your salty tears. You didn’t even realize the bathroom door opens and Tom walks in.

“Y/N?” he calls out and your eyes snap up at him, meeting his gaze that’s filled with despair and confusion. “Baby, what’s wrong?” he asks, immediately getting inside the spacious shower, kneeling down, his arms going to wrap around you, but you move away and he freezes as a sob erupts from you. “Fuck, baby, please talk to me! What’s wrong?” he begs, desperate to figure out what’s gotten you so shaken up, but you don’t feel like you are able to talk. You just cry and cry and he stay right there until you feel like there are no more tears to shed.

“I fucking hated it,” you breathe out eventually, not even daring to look him in the eyes. “I fucking hated that he wasn’t you. I didn’t want anyone else, just you.”

“Why didn’t you tell?” he asks and you can tell he is getting mad now and he has every right. He told you to speak up if something doesn’t sit right with you, yet you chose to keep your mouth shut about it. You sniff before daring to look into his eyes again, feeling smaller than ever, like you were nothing in that moment.

“Because you liked it. I didn’t want to ruin it for you,” you admit truthfully and Tom exhales sharply through his nose. It feels like eternity until he finally speaks up.

“I didn’t,” he simply says and your mouth falls open.

“What?”

“I didn’t like it.”

“Really? But you looked like… I thought—“

“Darling, you always seem to forget that I’m an actor. I pretend for a living,” he states matter-of-factly.

“How would you pretend to have a fucking erection?” you snap, letting your arms to fall from around your knees. Tom lets out a soft chuckle.

“My imagination was proved to be stronger than I expected. I wished he was gone the whole time. Fucking hated seeing someone else touch you like I do.”

“So then why didn’t you speak up?” you ask the same question he prompted just a few seconds ago.

“Because I thought you were enjoying it.”

His eyes are soft on you and most importantly: forgiving.

“We were proper idiots,” you breathe out, hands reaching out for him as you finally let him scoop you into his arms, your head lying on his naked chest.

“Seems like we both broke out rule,” he mumbles, his hands continuously brushing up and down your bare back and arms.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you. I just wanted you to enjoy it, I love knowing that I get to give you all these new feelings.”

“I’m sorry too, baby. I was afraid you’d think of me different if I didn’t go through with it.”

Lifting your head up you look into his eyes as you cup his face in your palms, your thumbs gently caressing his cheeks.

“I could never see you differently, Tom. I just want you to be happy and satisfied with me.”

“I am. Always.”

Pulling him down your lips meet his and you are finally able to kiss him without feeling any guilt. He kisses you back passionately, as if he is trying to strengthen the words he just spoke.

“I have a new rule,” he says out of breath when he pulls back.

“What is it?”

“From now on, sex is just about us. No third party.”

“Tattoo this on me, I don’t want to live by any other rules,” you blurt out making him laugh and you smile seeing him with that wide grin.

“Alright. Come on, I think we both need to sleep it off,” he tells you as he helps you up from the floor.

Though you’d love to replace your bruised feelings about sex with some new experiences with the only man you love, for now you still just want to lie in bed with his arms around you and that’s exactly what happens.

Not bearing to stay in the hotel room any longer, the two of you quickly pack everything up and go straight home. Stripping from all your clothes you’re quick to climb under the covers and make yourself comfortable in the safety of your own bed that still only holds the sweet mixture of your and Tom’s scent. He wraps his arms tight around you as you nuzzle against his side, a hand lying flat on his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat under your palm.

“I love you,” you whisper quietly, pressing a kiss to his abdomen as he squeezes you gently.

“I love you too,” he mumbles, already half asleep, but you know his words hold the truth.

-

general/forever taglist for Tom Holland

i do separate taglists for different people, but not for different works of mine! if you ask to be on my Tom taglist, you’ll be tagged in all of my Tom fics!

@zaahidahhh​ @shawn-youth​  @wildflower-cth​ @imaginashawnns​ @haute-shawn  @learning-howto-be-myselfx3​ @cutepenguin1​ @madatmendes @harrysleftchelseaboot​  @bookwormmusiclover15 @dontworrysunflower​

if you’d like to be taken off or added to the list, please let me know!

[who-ever-said-i-was-nice]

Heya, could I ask for the ikevamp boys finding mc passed out at the table surrounded by work? Uni's been killing me lately. If all of them is too much then just Leonardo, Jean, Comte, Theo and Mozart? Thanks x

I cried five times while making this.

Dear Anon! Thanks sooo mush for the request. 😘I’m sorry for taking this looooong I also have a shit ton of work but HERE IT IS. I hope things get better for you and good luck!😘❤️❤️ I added a different type of uni to each of the guys just to make it interesting. @nad-zeta your daily dose of Theo. XD. Love you. Hope you enjoy! Ok here we go!

Ikevamp boys x an overworked mc

Leonardo

he just woke up from one of his naps and he decided he’s going to have a snack most probably mc

as he’s walking towards kitchen he spots you sleeping on one of the tables in the library surrounded by a huge pile of books, pens and papers

now he knew that you refused to give up on the uni you where going to when you came here but he’s still a bit surprised

he walks up to you and takes a peek at what you are studying 

architecture

more specifically some designs he came up with

*eyes emoji*

after the initial shock of finding out you where studying his work he smiles and picks you up and caries you to your bed

from that moment on he will always help you with whatever you are studying and always makes sure you take breaks

Comte

he was walking around socializing with the residents when he stumbled upon you snoozing on the dining table buried in a mountain of book

ha was aware of your studies and offered to let you off work completely

but you insisted on dedicating 4 days a week on housework

however this meant you had to study like crazy

when he saw you there he already knew what’s wrong

he panicked internally but calmly walked to your side

he didn’t insist one knowing what exactly you where studying but this was so convenient he just had to take a look

finance studies

well damn

finds it very amazing that you manege to work and study that at the same time

sighs and carefully picks you up and takes you to bed

after that he makes sure you get enough rest in between study sessions

he will spoil you a bit more and offer to help with your studies

Jean

ok so we know poor baby can’t read

he doesn’t get why you are so passionate about your university

what did you call your studies? Linguistics? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

he has no idea what you are talking about but he loves you and loves that you have a passion

when he sees you passed out in your room in a very uncomfortable position surrounded by books...

...panic

oh wait no panic you probably just fell asleep ‘cause you where tiered

wait tiered?

panic

he will pick you up and take you to your room, makes sure you are tucked it

from that moment on he will make sure you get enough rest

Isaac

precious little bean

on one hand he understands why you are so passionate about your studies on the other he is worried

one time you where working late into the night and he asked you to stop and you brought up the argument that he does the same

so he decided not to stop you

however when he finds you passed out in the gazebo...

nope.

he is panicked and scared and angry at himself for not realizing sooner

he hurries to your side when one of your books catches his eye

you are studying quantum physics?

say what?

ok he now has a whole lot of respect for you

he will gently shake you awake

“ Mmmhmm...I did my essay” “Y/N it’s me, wake up”

you immediately wake up

“ Don’t ever do that again. You scared me.”

Now you guys study together so cute

Napoleon

UMMMMMM boy

if he saw you just hanging off a table passed out he will have a heart attack

then he will realize that you are just sleeping and you are not dead so he will calm down a bit

he can’t resist the urge to take a look at what you are studying either

politics

interesting.

so you want a  politics degree

what you will do with it he has no idea. After all you are in a different time period, but he thinks  it’s good to have a goal

what he doesn’t think is good is over working your self

“nunuche wake up” “noooooooooo I won’t wake up unless you do what I do to wake you up”

so he will kiss you and you agree to wake up how adorable i  think i’m going to cry over my own work damn I’m weird  

If he ever see you looking even a little tiered he will steal you away and you will cuddle

Arthotthur

Heart attack nr.2

oh no wait my bird is just sleeping

he’s not happy

ok let me rephrase that

he’s happy that you are happy but he’s not ok with the fact that you have overworked yourself and on top of that he’s beating himself up for not noticing earlier

he’s debating whether you’d be more pissed if he carried you to your room* or if he woke you up when something catches his attentive eye

you where studying to get a bachelor's degree in English whaaaaaat!

will go through your notes and

when he finds out you want to become a writer.....

Omg fanboy mode: activate

“ I didn’t know I had such an effect on you Luv”

you: say wut? Arthur I became writer because I wanted to

Now you two run around n the corridors smiling like dorks and narrating random events when your free and he writes next to you when you study   ( to keep and eye on you. He loves you so much)

* if that doesn’t apply to you I’m sorry. I try to write from another persons prospective, but a lot of my writing is based of my reactions to a situation or my personality. In this case I’d be pissed if he left my stuff there or went into my room ( it’s my sanctuary ok my disaster). And waking me up oh no bitch run. But on a serious note don’t be mad if it doesn’t fit your description, and if it didn’t and you want me to change something feel free to let me know. Ok next victim:

Theo

to say he’s pissed is an understatement

he’s pissed at you for taking it to far but he’s pissed at himself a lot little more for not noticing sooner

like his bff he’ll also be contemplating taking you to bed rather then yelling you awake like witch one will end up in a bigger slap

then he notices what you are studying

art

when you are done with this you are literally going to get an art degree

Theo ex. has stopped working

he is getting emotional on the inside

 will gently take you to bed and tuck you in

he’ll pat your head “ Creative Hondjie”. He has such a gentle smile on his face god I can picture it I’m crying

from then on when you have a project he will help criticize you and he will help you progress with your art

 will be keeping an eye on you 25/7 yes 25 this guy will create a time loop if it meant that you had more time to do the things you love (ahem Theo) xd  no

all in all he will be just a little softer with you, but only you. And will also deny it if somebody points it out

Vincent

Let’s all just sit down, take a moment and appreciate Vincent

He will see you passed out and he will PANIC

he will rush up to you and make sure you are ok

also waking you up in the process

he will ask what you are studying

“sooo you want to become a chef”

Pffffffff we all know poor baby is parallel with cooking

like he will burn water

is super supportive tho gee who would have thought

this boy is an angel and will help you cook

Jesus I hope Comte has fire insurance

you have a lot of fun with him and he will actually end up learning a few things form you.

will make sure you never overwork yourself again

 Dazai

this dork almost stepped on you

you had passed out under you window , ‘cause you had been studying on the floor

and this guy came waltzing in through the window

“Toshiko-san? Toshikooooo shit”

*cricket sounds* yup

he will squat down next to you and poke your cheek

“ what are you doing on the floor?” you: “what are you doing in my room?”

OOOOH GOT ‘EM

you two of you will laugh about it and he will ask you what you are studying

you proudly shove your text book under his nose

“ well well Toshiko-san want’s to take care of small animals?”

you: Yes, like Isaac

he’s not really fazed by you falling asleep but  will make sure you don’t overwork and if he sees you getting tired he will crack a few terrible jokes to lighten your mood and then he will proceed to steel you away

Mozart

ok now clean freak here is going to be worried

not panicked just worried

uhum Wolf you keep telling yourself that

you where studying in the music room while Wolf was playing

suddenly he heard a thump

he stopped and looked around only to find you passed out on the table

seems like the all-nighter combined with the music led you to fall asleep

he’s frozen for a hot second until he realizes you are just sleeping

he will slowly walk up to you and poke you with a broom ‘cause he doesn’t want to touch you

Jkjk

he will go up to you and gently attempt to shake you awake when he notices what your studying

 you where studying music

“Marry me?”

he will wake you up and question you about it

from that moment on he actually helps you a little when you don’t get something and you study in the music room at all times because” it’s noisy outside”

we know you just care about her Mozart

Sebastian

he flicks your forehead

that’s it. Thant’s the canon

no I’m kidding he knows how much you study and is worried about you even before you pass out

and when you do that’s it

he scoops you up and takes you to your bed

he only flicks your forehead when you wake up

yeah you get an ear full from him

he asks what you are studying and tell him you want a degree in history

ok suddenly he’s not mad at you

from that moment on he always makes sure you are not over working

he actually shows you his notebook and you find it fascinating 

now you both collectively stalk the residents

William

y’all aren’t ready for this

when he sees you passed out in the garden he’s ready to pull out a gun and kill anyone and everyone who dared harm you

then he realizes you’re actually sleeping and he calms down a bit ( he’ll keep the gun tho shhhhh don’t tell Comte)

he will gently pat your hair and just look at you

when you wake up he will ask you what you are studying

you are a complete blushing mess when you tell him you want to become an actress

he’s shooketh and also really happy at the same time

now he takes you with him to the theater and he gives you a role to play and he watches while you practice

he’s also super attentive and will never let you overwork yourself again

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Stay safe everyone! 😘😘😘