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darksturnz · 13 days ago

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† A SINNERS EMBRACE — matthew sturniolo x angel!reader.

SYNOPSIS: Desperate for forgiveness, she stepped into the confession booth, unaware that the very man who was the subject of her dream was on the other side, his ears listening to her confession while his hand was wrapped around his throbbing cock. CONTENTS: heavy religious imagery・semi public masturbation (male!)・perv!matthew・fem!reader・corruption・not proofread WC: 5k

Sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows of St. Mary's Cathedral, casting colorful patterns across the polished wooden pews. The air was thick with the scent of incense and the soft murmurs of the congregation as they awaited the start of mass.

In the sacristy, Father Matthew Sturniolo stood before the mirror, adjusting his crisp black cassock. His piercing blue eyes met his reflection, a hint of a smirk playing at the corners of his lips. He ran a hand through his neatly styled curly brown hair, ensuring not a strand was out of place. Satisfied with his appearance, he stepped out into the nave.

As Father Matthew made his way to the altar, his gaze swept over the gathered faithful. His eyes lingered on a young woman seated near the front, her delicate features framed by soft curls held back with a ribbon. She seemed to radiate an innocent purity that drew his attention like a moth to a flame.

He began the service, his rich baritone voice filling the cathedral. His words were honey-sweet, weaving a spell of devotion over the congregation. Yet beneath the pious facade, dark desires stirred within him, hidden from all but himself.

As the mass concluded, Father Matthew descended from the altar, ready to greet his flock. His smile was warm and welcoming, yet his eyes held a calculating gleam as they once again found the young woman. He approached her slowly, his presence seeming to fill the space between them. "Good morning," Father Matthew said softly, his voice like velvet. "I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting. I'm Father Matthew, the newest member of our little community here."

He extended his hand, palm up in invitation. "And you are?"

The young woman looked up at him, her wide eyes shining with innocent curiosity. "Y-yes, Father. I'm Y/N, sir. It's nice to meet you." Her small hand rested lightly in his, her skin soft and warm against his own.

Father Matthew smiled, his thumb brushing ever so slightly across her knuckles. "The pleasure is all mine, Y/N. I look forward to getting to know you better."

With a final squeeze of her hand, he released her and turned to greet the other parishioners, leaving Y/N flushed and flustered in his wake. One Sunday afternoon, after the congregation had dispersed and the cathedral lay quiet, Father Matthew sought out Y/N in the empty nave. He found her kneeling before a pew, head bowed in prayer. Approaching softly, he cleared his throat to announce his presence.

"Forgive me for disturbing you, Y/N," he said gently, "but I couldn't help noticing how deeply you seem to connect with the Lord during services. Your devotion is truly inspiring and I’m sure your parents are very proud."

Y/N looked up, startled, then smiled shyly. "Oh, thank you, Father. I try my best to please them."

Father Matthew nodded, his expression turning thoughtful. "Your dedication is admirable, indeed. As your spiritual leader, I feel it's my duty to nurture that spark within you. Perhaps we could arrange some...private Bible studies?"

Y/N's brow furrowed in confusion. "Private studies, Father? But wouldn't that be improper?"

A hint of amusement danced in Father Matthew's eyes. "Not at all, dear. In fact, one-on-one instruction allows us to delve deeper into the scriptures together. I assure you, it's a common practice among clergy and their devout followers."

He reached out, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Think of it as an opportunity to grow closer to God under my guidance. What do you say, Y/N? Would you be willing to meet with me regularly, just the two of us, to explore the Word?"

As Father Matthew's hand settled upon Y/N's shoulder, a shiver ran down her spine. The gentle pressure sent tingles through her slender frame, making her acutely aware of his proximity. His touch was warm, reassuring, and yet...different. There was a subtle intimacy to it that left her breathless and disoriented.

Y/N's cheeks flushed a deep crimson as she struggled to find her voice. "I-I mean...if it's really necessary, Father..." she stammered, her eyes darting nervously between his face and the floor. "But won't people talk if we're alone together?"

Father Matthew's fingers squeezed her shoulder lightly, a silent reassurance. "Let them talk, child. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and sometimes that means challenging societal norms for the greater good,"

"Besides," Father Matthew continued, his voice low and soothing, "our meetings will take place in a secluded area of the rectory. No one will ever need to know."

Y/N swallowed hard, her mind reeling with the implications. A private setting with Father Matthew, away from prying eyes...it felt both thrilling and terrifying. She bit her lip, torn between her desire to please him and her instinctive fear of doing something wrong.

"I...I suppose it would be a good opportunity to learn more about God's word," she ventured finally, trying to sound convincing despite her racing heart. "When did you have in mind for our first session, Father?"

Father Matthew's smile broadened, revealing a glint of approval in his eyes. "How about tomorrow evening, after dinner? I'll make sure to leave a light on for you at the door."

With a nod, Y/N agreed to the clandestine meeting, her heart pounding in her chest. She spent the remainder of the day in a daze, her thoughts consumed by the prospect of being alone with Father Matthew.

As night fell the next day, Y/N found herself standing before the rectory, a mix of trepidation and anticipation coursing through her veins. She knocked softly on the door, her knuckles trembling slightly.

After a moment, the door creaked open, revealing a dimly lit hallway. Father Matthew stood in the shadows, his figure imposing yet inviting. "Welcome, Y/N," he said, his voice a low rumble. "Please, come in."

She entered hesitantly, her eyes adjusting to the faint glow of candles scattered throughout the room. The air was heavy with the scent of incense and leather-bound books.

Father Matthew guided Y/N to a plush armchair positioned near a large, ornate desk. "Make yourself comfortable," he instructed, gesturing to the chair. "We have much to discuss tonight."

As she sat down, Y/N noticed a Bible lying open on the desk, its pages marked with a silver bookmark. Her gaze lingered on the ancient text, feeling a sense of reverence wash over her.

Father Matthew settled into a nearby chair, leaning back with an air of relaxed confidence. "Before we begin our study, I'd like to share a personal anecdote," he said, his tone taking on a contemplative quality. "Growing up, I often felt disconnected from the divine. It wasn't until I dedicated myself fully to serving the Lord that I truly started to understand His plan for me."

He fixed Y/N with a piercing stare, his words dripping with conviction.

"I believe that same calling exists within you, Y/N. Tonight, I hope to help you recognize and embrace it."

With those enigmatic words, Father Matthew reached across the desk, his fingers brushing against Y/N's as he handed her the Bible. Their touch sent another jolt of electricity through her, leaving her breathless.

As she opened the book, the weight of the sacred text seemed to press against her palms. Y/N felt a strange connection to the pages, as if they held secrets meant only for her ears.

Father Matthew leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "Let's start with a passage that resonates with me," he suggested, pointing to a verse marked in the book. "Psalm 23, verses 3-4. 'He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake."

Y/N's eyes widened as she read the familiar words, a sense of peace washing over her. She recited the verses aloud, her voice soft and reverent. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me..."

As she spoke, Father Matthew's gaze never wavered from hers, his eyes burning with an intensity that made her skin prickle. When she finished, he nodded approvingly. "Beautifully said, Y/N. Those words offer solace even in the darkest of times."

He paused, studying her face intently. "Tell me, when you pray, what do you usually focus on? Is it asking for blessings, seeking forgiveness, or perhaps longing for a deeper connection with the divine?"

Y/N shifted uncomfortably in her seat, unsure how to articulate her feelings. "I guess..."

"...I mostly pray for protection and guidance. For my family's well-being and for not doing anything wrong," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

Father Matthew's expression softened, and he reached out to place a comforting hand on her knee. "Those are noble prayers, but remember, the Lord wants a relationship built on trust and openness. Don't be afraid to express your desires and fears to Him."

His touch lingered, sending warmth spreading through Y/N's legs. She found herself leaning into his palm, craving more of that comforting contact.

"Perhaps we can work on expanding your prayer life together," Father Matthew suggested, his voice low and persuasive. "Start by sharing your deepest concerns with me. I'm here to listen and guide you, Y/N."

Y/N took a shaky breath, her heart racing as she considered Father Matthew's offer. The idea of unburdening her innermost thoughts to someone - anyone - felt daunting, yet there was a part of her that yearned for this kind of intimate connection.

"I...I worry about pleasing God," she confessed, her voice trembling. "About not living up to His expectations. Sometimes I feel so small and insignificant compared to His greatness."

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes as she met Father Matthew's gaze. "And then there's the fear of sinning...of doing something terrible and irreparable. It keeps me up at night, wondering if I'm worthy of His love."

Her confession hung in the air, heavy with vulnerability. Y/N waited with bated breath for Father Matthew's reaction, her entire being attuned to his response.

Father Matthew's expression turned solemn, his eyes filled with compassion. "Sin is a heavy burden to carry, Y/N," he acknowledged, his voice a gentle murmur. "But know this: you were born innocent, and it's never too late to seek forgiveness and redemption."

He squeezed her knee reassuringly. "The Lord loves you unconditionally, just as you are. Your worth comes from being His child, not from achieving some lofty standard of perfection."

Leaning forward, Father Matthew rested his forearms on his thighs, bringing their faces closer together. "In fact, it's precisely your humility and willingness to acknowledge your flaws that make your faith all the more genuine and beautiful."

His words washed over Y/N like a soothing balm, easing some of the tension in her shoulders. She found herself drawn to his presence, craving the comfort and understanding only he could provide. As Father Matthew's proximity intensified, Y/N's breathing grew shallow. The scent of his cologne mingled with the musty aroma of the old books, creating a heady mixture that clouded her senses.

His warm breath tickled her ear as he whispered, "Remember, Y/N, true strength lies in vulnerability. By sharing your fears and doubts, you're taking the first step towards a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God – and with me."

One of Father Matthew's hands slid from her knee to gently cradle her cheek, his thumb stroking her skin in a tender caress. Y/N's eyelids fluttered closed, savoring the sensation of his touch.

In that moment, she felt an overwhelming urge to surrender completely to him – to let go of her inhibitions and simply exist in the safety of his presence. Father Matthew's lips hovered mere inches from Y/N's, the anticipation almost palpable. Then, with deliberate slowness, he inclined his head, allowing their noses to brush together in a fleeting, electric contact. The briefest of sighs escaped Y/N's lips as she savored the closeness, her eyes drifting shut. But before she could process the intensity of the moment, Father Matthew pulled back, breaking the spell.

Opening her eyes, Y/N found him smiling at her with an unreadable mix of tenderness and restraint. "Until next Sunday, Y/N," he murmured, his voice low and husky. "May the Lord bless and keep you in the interim."

Rising from his seat, Father Matthew offered her his arm, guiding her towards the door with a gentle pressure. As they walked side by side, Y/N couldn't shake the lingering effects of their intimate encounter. Every step felt weighted, each breath charged with a newfound awareness of Father Matthew's presence beside her.

At the entrance, he paused, turning to face her. In the dim light filtering through the stained glass windows, his features appeared almost ethereal, as if carved from shadows and moonlight.

"Farewell for now, Y/N," Father Matthew said softly, his gaze holding hers captive. "May your dreams be peaceful and your heart remain open to the mysteries of the spirit."

With that, he cupped her cheek once more, his thumb tracing the curve of her lower lip before releasing her. Then, with a final, enigmatic smile, he stepped back and watched as she disappeared into the night, the sound of her footsteps echoing in the stillness.

As Y/N retreated to the sanctuary of her bedroom, the events of the evening swirled through her mind like a tempestuous sea. Father Matthew's touch, his whispers, the weight of his gaze – each detail replayed itself in vivid Technicolor, refusing to be relegated to the realm of memory.

She slipped beneath the covers, her body thrumming with a restless energy. Try as she might, sleep eluded her, replaced instead by a kaleidoscope of forbidden fantasies.

In the darkness, Y/N's imagination ran wild, conjuring scenarios where Father Matthew's hands roamed her body with increasing boldness. She pictured his fingers trailing along her collarbone, dipping into the neckline of her nightgown to tease the sensitive skin beneath.

As the illicit visions intensified, a telltale dampness began to gather between Y/N's thighs.

Exhaustion finally claimed Y/N, her eyelids growing heavy as the fantasy montage continued to unfold behind her closed lids. With a soft sigh, she surrendered to the embrace of slumber, her dreams already tainted by the forbidden allure of Father Matthew.

In the depths of her subconscious, the scenario shifted, becoming more explicit and sensual with each passing moment. Y/N found herself lying on the cold stone floor of the rectory, her nightgown pushed up around her waist as Father Matthew loomed over her, his dark robes pooling around his knees.

His hands, once so reverent, now explored her body with a hunger that made her shiver. Fingers danced across her breasts, teasing the hardened nipples until pleasure-pain shot straight to her core. A whimper escaped her lips, muffled by the priest's mouth as he captured them in a searing kiss.

As the dream intensified, Y/N's hips bucked involuntarily, seeking friction against the damp heat building between her legs. Her hands reached down to press against Father Matthew's, urging him closer, wanting more of his touch.

Moans and gasps punctuated the erotic haze, the sounds muffled by the priest's insistent kisses. He Trailered his mouth down her neck, nipping and sucking at the delicate skin until Y/N arched off the ground, crying out in ecstasy.

In the throes of her climax, Y/N's vision blurred, colors bleeding together as wave after wave of pleasure crashed over her. She clung to Father Matthew, her nails digging into his arms as she rode out the intense sensations, lost to everything but the bliss consuming her.

Y/N jolted awake, her chest heaving as if she'd run a marathon. Sweat beaded on her forehead, and her nightgown clung to her skin, dampened by the remnants of her climax. For a moment, disoriented and panting, she struggled to anchor herself in reality.

As the fog of sleep lifted, memories of the dream came rushing back, leaving a trail of shame and confusion in its wake. Y/N's cheeks flushed hot, and she buried her face in her pillow, mortified by the intensity of her own desires.

What had possessed her to imagine such things? Father Matthew, the man she trusted above all others, reduced to a participant in her most private, debased fantasies. The thought alone made her stomach churn with self-loathing.

Throughout the day, Y/N moved through her routine with mechanical precision, her mind consumed by the guilt gnawing at her soul. Every time her parents glanced her way, concern etched onto their faces, she couldn't help but wonder if they sensed the turmoil brewing inside her.

The telltale flush on her cheeks seemed to pulse with a life of its own, a constant reminder of the shameful secret she harbored. Each time she caught her reflection in a window or mirror, she flinched, as if the image staring back might hold some hidden clue to her innermost thoughts.

By mid-afternoon, the weight of her confession became unbearable. Y/N excused herself from the kitchen, where her mother was preparing dinner, claiming she needed fresh air. As soon as she stepped outside, however, she found herself drawn inexorably toward the familiar solace of the church.

The imposing stone structure loomed before her, its towering spires reaching toward the heavens like outstretched arms. Y/N hesitated briefly, her hand trembling as she grasped the ornate bronze handle of the massive wooden doors.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, she pushed the doors open, the creak of the hinges echoing through the empty nave. The interior was bathed in a warm, golden light, casting long shadows across the polished marble floors.

Y/N wandered deeper into the church, her footsteps echoing softly off the walls. Eventually, she found herself standing before the confessional, its wooden screen adorned with intricate carvings depicting scenes of redemption and forgiveness.

With a sense of trepidation mixed with relief, she knelt before the grated opening, her voice barely audible as she whispered, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned..."

Inside the confessional, Father Matthew listened intently as Y/N's hesitant voice filtered through the grate, her words painting a picture of guilt and contrition. His heart raced at the realization that the penitent before him was none other than the innocent, sheltered girl he had grown to care for.

Concealing his true identity, Father Matthew adopted a neutral, soothing tone, meant to provide comfort without revealing his knowledge of her personal life. "My child, please, share your sins with me, and know that you shall receive absolution."

Y/N took a shaky breath before continuing, her voice trembling slightly. "Father, I...I had a dream last night. A wicked dream. I imagined doing sinful things with someone I trust deeply, someone who should never be the subject of such thoughts." She paused, biting her lip.

"It was Father Matthew," Y/N admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "In my dream, he touched me in ways no one ever has, and I felt things I shouldn't have felt. Desire, longing...even pleasure when we did things that are wrong."

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes as she confessed, "When I woke up, I was...I was soaked. It was as if my body betrayed me, responding to those forbidden imaginings. I'm ashamed, Father. So terribly ashamed."

Y/N waited with bated breath, her heart pounding in her chest as she awaited the priest's response, unsure whether he would offer condemnation or understanding.

Inside the confessional, Father Matthew's composure faltered at Y/N's explicit admission. The mere mention of her dream, coupled with the intimate details, sent a surge of arousal coursing through his veins. His cock twitched to life, straining against the confines of his black cassock.

Swallowing hard, he fought to maintain his calm, professional demeanor. "Tell me more, my child," he urged, his voice low and husky despite his best efforts. "Describe this dream in greater detail. What exactly transpired between you and Father Matthew?"

As Y/N began to recount the specifics – the sensation of his hands on her body, the taste of his kisses, the feeling of being taken against the cold stone floor – Father Matthew's erection grew even harder, throbbing with an almost painful intensity.

"Did he touch you intimately?" Father Matthew pressed, his curiosity piqued and his desire escalating with each word from Y/N's lips. "Was there any...physical contact beyond kissing and caressing?"

His fingers tightened around the edge of the confessional booth, imagining the tender flesh beneath Y/N's garments, the softness of her breasts, the warmth of her cunt. The mental images were almost too much to bear, stoking the flames of his lust to a near-blazing inferno.

"Please, continue," he rasped, his voice thick with need. "Every detail is important for your spiritual guidance, my child."

Father Matthew could no longer resist the temptation. With one hand, he unzipped his fly, freeing his throbbing cock from its fabric prison. He wrapped his fingers around the shaft, giving it a firm squeeze as he continued to listen intently to Y/N's detailed account of her dream.

As she described the feeling of Father Matthew's cock sliding into her virgin depths, stretching her tight walls, he began to stroke himself in earnest. Slowly at first, then with increasing urgency, he pumped his fist along his length, imagining it was Y/N's slick cunt enveloping him instead.

"Mmmm," he groaned under his breath, the sound muffled behind the wooden screen. His hips rocked in tandem with his hand, thrusting upward as if seeking to bury himself deeper into an imaginary pussy.

Y/N's blush deepened as she recounted the lewd acts from her dream, her voice quivering with a mix of embarrassment and excitement. "He...he kissed me everywhere, Father. My neck, my breasts, even between my thighs. And then..."

She paused, her breath catching in her throat as she relived the sensations. "Then, he entered me. It hurt at first, but soon it felt so good. Like nothing l've ever experienced before. I wanted more, even though I knew it was wrong."

Y/N's confession hung heavy in the air, the vivid descriptions painting a scandalous picture in Father Matthew's mind. His cock throbbed painfully, straining against the fabric of his clerical robes. He could hardly believe the depraved thoughts now racing through his head.

Father Matthew's composure slipped further with each salacious detail Y/N revealed. His breathing grew ragged, punctuated by stifled groans as he continued to stroke his aching cock. The once sacred space of the confessional now reeked of sin and debauchery, the air thick with the musk of his arousal.

"Go on," he urged, his voice strained and unsteady. Gone was the calm, reassuring tone of a spiritual guide; in its place was the desperate plea of a man teetering on the brink of self-control. "Tell me everything. Don't leave out a single detail."

Y/N's innocence, her purity, only served to fuel the fire burning within him. He imagined defiling her, corrupting her, molding her into his perfect little slut.

Father Matthew's mind raced with perverse fantasies, each one more depraved than the last. In his twisted imagination, he saw himself bending Y/N over the altar, tearing away her flimsy dress to reveal her nubile body. He pictured her on her knees before him, those innocent eyes wide with shock as she took his cock into her mouth, gagging on his length.

The thought of claiming her virginity, of being the first and only man to plunge into her untouched depths, drove him wild with lust. He stroked faster, harder, chasing the release that seemed just out of reach.

Father Matthew's resolve crumbled like a house of cards, the soft sniffles emanating from Y/N proving to be his undoing. The sound of her guilt, her shame, only served to heighten his own dark desires, pushing him over the precipice of restraint.

With a strangled cry, he erupted, his seed spilling forth in hot, pulsing spurts. Ropes of cum painted the inside of the confessional, splattering against the wood in obscene patterns. His hips jerked erratically as he rode out the waves of his climax, each twitch sending another burst of semen from his spasming cock.

As the haze of orgasm slowly dissipated, Father Matthew slumped back in his seat, his chest heaving with exertion. He quickly tucked his spent member back into his cassock, zipping up his fly with shaking hands.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Father Matthew tried to compose himself, to slip back into the role of the compassionate priest. "My child," he began, his voice still slightly rougher than usual, "you mustn't blame yourself for these dreams. They are merely manifestations of your natural, God-given desires, warped by the influence of the world outside our holy sanctuary."

He paused, choosing his next words carefully. "What matters most is that you recognize the sinfulness of such thoughts and actions. Repentance is key, and you've already shown great courage in confessing these impure urges."

Father Matthew's mind raced, torn between his vows and his growing obsession with Y/N. He knew he should steer her towards prayer, fasting, and increased devotion to ward off these temptations.

Father Matthew's heart raced, his pulse pounding in his ears as he grappled with the conflicting emotions swirling within him. The urge to lead Y/N astray, to encourage her down a path of sin and debauchery, warred with his duty to guide her towards righteousness.

In the end, his own twisted desires won out. Leaning closer to the screen separating them, he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Listen closely, my child. While these feelings may seem unnatural, even sinful, I assure you that they are perfectly normal for a young woman of your age and disposition."

He paused, letting his words sink in before continuing. "God created us with these desires, these needs. To deny them entirely would be to go against His divine plan."

Father Matthew's voice dropped to a husky murmur, his words dripping with barely restrained lust. "If you were to act upon these urges, to explore the pleasures of the flesh with a willing partner, I don't believe the Lord would hold it against you. After all, He gave us these bodies to enjoy, to revel in their sensations."

He shifted in his seat, his spent cock already beginning to stir again at the thought of guiding Y/N into the world of carnal delights. "Should you ever find yourself tempted to cross that line, know that Father Matthew is there to offer his support, his...guidance. Together, you can navigate this treacherous terrain, ensuring that your journey remains safe and fulfilling."

Father Matthew's mind raced with possibilities, visions of stolen moments and illicit encounters dancing behind his eyes.

Father Matthew's mind raced with possibilities, visions of stolen moments and illicit encounters dancing behind his eyes. He imagined taking Y/N's hand, leading her away from the confessional and into a secluded corner of the church. There, in the dim light filtering through the stained glass windows, he would show her the true meaning of pleasure.

His fingers twitched with the urge to touch her, to explore every inch of her nubile form. He pictured her gasping beneath him, her body writhing in ecstasy as he claimed her innocence, molding her into his perfect little plaything.

Y/N's eyes widened in shock at the brazen words, her cheeks flushing an even deeper shade of crimson. She squirmed uncomfortably on the hard wooden bench, her thighs pressing together as a strange warmth blossomed between her legs.

"I...I don't understand, Father," she whispered, her voice trembling with a mixture of confusion and budding desire. "Isn't giving in to such thoughts and urges considered a grave sin? Won't God punish me for entertaining such wicked notions?"

Despite her words, Y/N couldn't deny the thrill that coursed through her at the idea of exploring these forbidden desires. The taboo nature of it all sent a shiver down her spine, awakening something primal and hungry within her.

Father Matthew leaned closer, his breath ghosting across the screen separating them. "Oh, but that's where you're mistaken, my dear. God understands our human nature, our need for connection and intimacy. He doesn't expect us to live as celibate monks, denying ourselves the joys of the flesh."

His voice dropped to a seductive purr, each word dripping with sinful promise. "No, He wants us to embrace these desires, to revel in them with a loving partner. And who better to guide you on this journey than your humble priest?"

Father Matthew's mind raced with wicked thoughts, imagining all the ways he could corrupt Y/N.

With a trembling voice, Y/N thanked the mysterious priest for his guidance and understanding. "Thank you, Father, for hearing my confession and offering such wise counsel. Your words have brought me comfort and clarity."

She rose from the bench, smoothing her skirt with nervous hands. As she made her way out of the confessional, Y/N's mind buzzed with a whirlwind of emotions - confusion, curiosity, and a simmering undercurrent of excitement.

On the walk home, Y/N found herself replaying the priest's words in her head, trying to reconcile them with everything she'd been taught about the evils of lust and temptation. Yet, despite her best efforts, she couldn't shake the image of the handsome priest who haunted her dreams.

Father Matthew remained seated in the confessional long after Y/N had departed, his mind reeling from their encounter. The scent of her lingering perfume filled his nostrils, mingling with the musk of his own arousal.

He palmed his hardening cock through his cassock, biting back a groan as he recalled the way her voice had quivered with a mix of innocence and burgeoning desire. The thought of corrupting her, of guiding her down a path of sin and depravity, consumed his every waking thought.

Rising from his seat, Father Matthew emerged from the confessional, his gaze drawn to the spot where Y/N had stood mere moments ago. A wicked smile played across his lips as he plotted his next move, determined to make the innocent girl his own personal plaything.

DISCLAIMER: this is an original storyline written by me and only me. @/muwapsturniolo has written a series using the priest!matthew au which you can find here but my story is NOT inspired by hers nor a copy.

AUTHORS NOTE: first chapter >.<!! i rewrote this one a good four times and ultimately cut the wc from 16k to 5k... she’s a bit rushed but i’d like to get the boring details out of the way.

TAG LIST: @jetaimevous @sturnsblunt @riasturns @ifwdominicfike @chrissturns-wife @mattsmunch

#ⓘdarksturnz #𐔌 .⋮⟢angel!reader .ᐟ꒱#𐔌 .⋮⟢priest!matt.ᐟ꒱#matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #matthew sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo smut #sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets smut #perv matt sturniolo

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ducktoo · 2 months ago

Text

Syncing Dream [Aespa x M!Reader]

18. Dying Star

Note: O-ohh….what will happen with Karina now?

Masterlist here

The tension in the dorm had become almost unbearable. Y/n had hardly spoken to any of the members since the argument with Karina. The usual banter, the laughter, the inside jokes—it was all gone, replaced by an awkward silence that no one quite knew how to break. Y/n’s footsteps were heavier than usual, and every time Karina walked into the room, he’d either retreat to his room or disappear into his phone, avoiding eye contact.

The comeback was looming closer, and with it, the pressure continued to build. They had rehearsals, interviews, photoshoots, and it seemed like the only person struggling to hold it all together was Y/n. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The group could feel the strain growing in his absence—like a shadow looming over everything they did.

Giselle had always been the level-headed one. She noticed things that others might miss, and over the last few days, she had picked up on the subtle shifts in both Y/n and Karina. They were both hurting, but neither one of them was ready to admit it. Something needed to change, and fast.

One afternoon, while the group was lounging around the dorm between schedules, Giselle decided to step in. The air was thick with unspoken tension, and everyone knew Y/n was on edge. But Giselle had a plan—kind of.

“Hey, Y/n,” she called out, standing in the doorway of his room. He was lying on his bed, scrolling through his phone, pretending not to hear her.

“Y/n,” she said again, a little louder this time, walking inside without waiting for an invitation.

Y/n finally looked up, forcing a tired smile. “What’s up?”

Giselle crossed her arms, leaning against the doorframe. “We need to talk.”

He groaned inwardly, already bracing himself for another uncomfortable conversation. “About what?”

“About you. And Jimin-unnie. And, you know… everything.”

Y/n sat up, rubbing his temples. “Aeri, I really don’t have the energy for this right now.”

“I know,” she said softly, her voice unusually gentle. “But that’s exactly why we need to talk. Look, I get that this comeback is a lot. We all do. But you and Rina-unnie… it’s like walking on eggshells around you two. You’re avoiding each other, and it’s making everything harder.”

Y/n frowned, his hands clenching into fists. “I’m not avoiding her.”

Giselle raised an eyebrow. “Oh really? You’ve barely spoken to her since that argument. It’s okay to admit you’re both stressed out, but you need to talk to each other, not just… avoid the issue.”

Y/n sighed, leaning back against the wall. “I tried talking to her, Aeri. It just… blew up.”

Giselle took a deep breath, trying to remain patient. “Okay, but maybe you need to try again. And this time, with a little less… I don’t know, explosion? Just don’t be like Bakugou”

Y/n couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at that. “Yeah, easier said than done.”

Giselle smiled, feeling like she was finally getting through to him. “Look, I’m not saying it’ll be easy. But if you two don’t fix this, it’s only going to get worse. We’re a team, and right now, our team’s falling apart. And you know who feels it the most? You.”

Just as Giselle was about to delve deeper, Winter popped her head into the room, clearly having eavesdropped on part of the conversation. “Are you guys having a secret therapy session without me?”

Y/n groaned, but Giselle shot Winter a look. “Not now, Minjeong.”

But Winter, being Winter, ignored the look and walked into the room anyway, plopping down on the edge of Y/n’s bed. “Come on, Y/n, don’t be all serious and moody. Where’s the idiot who didn’t stress out over every little thing. Remember when we used to just vibe and chill? Lighten it up.”

Y/n smiled faintly but shook his head. “Yeah, well, that was before this comeback became a mess.”

Winter’s expression softened as she scooted closer to him. “It’s not a mess. You’re just under a lot of pressure. We all are. But you don’t have to go through it alone, you know?”

Y/n sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I feel like I’m failing you guys, Jeong. I used to be able to balance everything. Now, I’m just… screwing everything up.”

Winter’s voice was gentle, but there was a sadness in her eyes. “You’re not screwing up. We’re just worried about you. It’s not just about the comeback—it’s about how you’ve been acting lately. You’re not yourself, and it’s making us all feel weird. I miss the Y/n who used to tease me and bring snacks into the dorm.”

Y/n chuckled, shaking his head. “I guess I haven’t been much fun lately.”

Winter nodded, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We don’t need you to be perfect, Y/n. We just need you to be here. With us. You’re part of the team too, you know?”

Giselle, watching the interaction, saw a chance to ease the tension. “And we need you to talk to Jimin-unnie. She feels just as bad as you do, but she’s not going to say it unless you do first.”

Y/n closed his eyes, feeling the weight of the situation pressing down on him. He knew they were right, but admitting it—admitting he was overwhelmed—felt like a failure. And that’s the last thing he wanted to be.

Later that evening, Y/n was sitting in the dorm’s living room, his mind racing with everything that had been said. He hadn’t spoken to Karina yet, but the thought of confronting her made his chest tighten. He just needed time to process everything.

But that time would soon run out.

The next day, rehearsal was intense, and the tension between Y/n and Karina hadn’t improved. Small misunderstandings during the practice led to more frustration. At one point, Karina asked about a timing change in the schedule, and Y/n—already feeling cornered—snapped.

“Karina, can you just stop? I’m trying to handle it!”

Karina’s eyes flashed with anger. “Handle it? You’ve barely been able to handle anything since this started!”

The words cut deeper than either of them expected, and for a moment, the room went silent. The other members exchanged worried glances, unsure of what to do.

But before Karina could say anything else, Y/n’s face darkened. “You think I don’t know that? I’m doing everything I can!”

The tension snapped. Y/n, unable to deal with the pressure anymore, stormed out of the rehearsal studio, slamming the door behind him. The sound echoed through the silent room.

The group was left in shock, the weight of the argument hanging in the air.

“I didn’t mean for it to go that far…” Karina whispered, her voice shaky.

None of them knew what to say. For the first time, it felt like their team was truly falling apart.

A few doors down, Minji and Jihoon, having overheard the commotion again, exchanged worried glances. Jihoon looked at Minji and muttered, “That doesn’t sound good.”

Minji nodded, her expression tense. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Should we step in?”

Minji sighed. “ I don’t think it’s our place to do so. Let them work it out… but we’re going to have to keep an eye on this. It’s not just a comeback at stake here.”

The situation had gone from bad to worse, and everyone knew it.

The air in the dorm was thick with silence after Y/n stormed out of the rehearsal. None of the girls spoke much that evening, and the usual banter was replaced by awkward exchanges and glances. Karina felt the weight of her words more than anyone. She had replayed the argument over and over in her head, regretting the way things escalated, but unsure of how to fix it.

Even worse, Y/n was nowhere to be seen after he stormed out.

The next morning, the group was summoned to the company building earlier than usual. There was an uneasy feeling in the air as they entered the CEO’s office. They exchanged nervous glances, the tension from yesterday’s argument still fresh.

SM Entertainment's CEO, a man they rarely met outside of major events, sat behind his desk with a stern expression. He didn’t waste time on pleasantries.

“I called you here today to discuss something important,” he said, his voice measured but serious.

Karina shifted uncomfortably, sensing that this wasn’t just about the comeback. Winter bit her lip, and Giselle kept glancing at the door, as if hoping Y/n would walk in and explain everything.

But he didn’t.

The CEO’s next words confirmed their fears.

“Y/n has requested an indefinite leave of absence.”

The room fell silent, stunned. Winter’s eyes widened, while Giselle’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. Ningning blinked a few times, not sure if she’d heard correctly. And Karina… Karina’s heart sank, her stomach twisting into knots.

“He’s taking time off?” Winter finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "That idiot?"

The CEO nodded. “Effective immediately. He’s asked for some time to rest and reflect. He’ll be gone for the foreseeable future.”

Karina’s chest tightened. She wanted to say something, to ask if this was because of their fight, but the words wouldn’t come out. The guilt gnawed at her. Had she pushed him too far?

The CEO continued, his voice calm but firm. “This comeback is still moving forward, and we will assign another manager to take over Y/n’s responsibilities. But I need all of you to remain focused. I'm sorry to hear and I understand this is a difficult time, but the show must go on.”

Ningning, always the one to break awkward silences, raised her hand hesitantly. “Can we… can we talk to oppa? Maybe convince him to come back?”

The CEO shook his head. “Y/n made it clear that he needs space. It’s best to respect that, girls.”

Giselle sighed, her eyes dropping to the floor. Winter looked devastated, her usual playful demeanor replaced with sadness. And Karina… Karina just sat there, staring at the ground, her heart heavy with regret.

After the CEO dismissed them, the group walked out of the office in silence. There were no words to say. The weight of Y/n’s absence loomed over them, and the reality of how bad things had gotten started to sink in.

Winter was the first to break the silence as they stood in the hallway. “He really left… just like that. That idiot.”

Giselle nodded slowly, rubbing her temples. “I don’t blame him. We’ve all been pushing him too hard.”

Ningning looked at Karina, her eyes filled with concern. “Are you okay, unnie?”

Karina didn’t answer right away. She swallowed hard, trying to keep her emotions in check, but the guilt was overwhelming. “I should’ve handled things better,” she muttered. “This is my fault…”

Giselle put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not just you, unnie. We all could’ve done more.”

But Karina wasn’t so sure. All she could think about was the argument, the way Y/n had looked at her before storming out, the frustration in his voice. She had pushed him to the edge, and now he was gone.

As they made their way back to the dorm, the atmosphere was somber. The comeback was supposed to be an exciting time, a new chapter in their careers, but it now felt like something was missing—something they couldn’t replace.

And without Y/n, their manager, their friend, the group didn’t feel quite the same.

#aespa #aespa x reader #aespa giselle #kpop #aespa karina #aespa ningning #aespa winter #karina #ningning #giselle #aespa x you #aespa x male reader #ning yizhuo #yoo jimin #kim minjeong #aeri uchinaga #x reader

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shitsndgiggs · 4 months ago

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Would you write a fic about kenan yildiz x reader where she meets his juventus teammates, and ofc they are In relationship, and she is from balkan and her and dusan start to speak in his native language most of the time and kebab kinda feels jealous because she is not noticing him

GIVE ME ATTENTION - KENAN YILDIZ

Kenan gets jealous when you ignore him for Dusan

Kenan Yildiz x balkan! reader

︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿

I had been looking forward to this day for weeks. Kenan had finally invited me to meet his Juventus teammates, and I was both excited and nervous.

As we entered the training facility, Kenan held my hand tightly, his presence a comforting anchor amidst my anticipation.

We moved through the room, and Kenan introduced me to his teammates one by one.

Each of them offered warm smiles and friendly greetings, making me feel welcome. When we finally reached Dušan Vlahović, Kenan's face lit up with a knowing smile.

"Hey, Dušan," Kenan said, "this is Y/N. You two have something in common—you’re both from the Balkans."

Dušan's eyes widened with delight. "Really? That’s great! Ćao!" he greeted me, slipping effortlessly into Serbian.

"Ćao!" I replied, my grin widening. "Nisam očekivala da ću ovde čuti naš jezik."

Kenan’s grip on my hand loosened as Dušan and I delved into a lively conversation.

It felt good to speak Serbian, and I could tell Dušan was equally pleased to have someone to talk to in his native language.

As our conversation continued, I noticed Kenan had drifted away, chatting with some of the other players.

I felt a pang of guilt but quickly became engrossed again in discussing which sport was the best (besides football) with Dušan.

Time flew by, and before I knew it, we had been talking for almost an hour.

Eventually, I remembered why I was here in the first place. I turned to look for Kenan and found him sitting alone on a bench, a pouty expression on his face.

My heart sank. I excused myself from Dušan and walked over to Kenan, feeling a little sheepish.

"Hey, love," I said softly, sitting down next to him. "Sorry, I got a bit carried away."

Kenan crossed his arms and looked away. "It's fine. Go back to Dušan if you want."

I sighed, placing a hand on his arm. "Kenan, don't be like that. I was just excited to speak with him."

He glanced at me, his eyes filled with a mixture of jealousy and hurt. "You didn’t even notice me. I brought you here to meet everyone, and you just spent the whole time with him."

I moved closer, resting my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I was just... I don’t know, it felt nice to connect with someone close to home."

I lifted my head to look at him, my eyes meeting his. "And I want to spend time with you. I’m sorry, Kenan. I didn’t realize how long I was talking with Dušan."

He sighed, uncrossing his arms. "I know you didn’t mean it, but I was looking forward to showing you off to my teammates, and then you disappeared."

I smiled softly, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "I promise, I won’t disappear again. How about we go join the others and I’ll make it up to you?"

Kenan’s lips twitched into a small smile, and he finally looked at me fully. "Okay. But you owe me a lot of attention."

"Deal," I said, standing up and pulling him with me. "Come on, let’s go mingle."

We rejoined the group, and I made sure to stay close to Kenan. I could tell he was still a bit pouty, but his mood improved as the evening went on.

I made an effort to include him in every conversation and even managed to steal a few moments just for us.

By the end of the night, Kenan’s jealousy had melted away, replaced by his usual charming self.

As we left the facility, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

"I love you too," I replied, feeling grateful for his understanding and patience.

As we walked to the car, I glanced back at the facility and then at Kenan, feeling a sense of belonging.

No matter where I was or who I talked to, Kenan was my home, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

"So," I began playfully, "how does it feel to be jealous of Dušan?"

Kenan rolled his eyes, but I could see a smile tugging at his lips. "I wasn’t jealous," he protested weakly.

"Sure you weren’t," I teased, poking his side. "You were practically pouting like a child who lost his favorite toy."

He chuckled, pulling me closer. "Okay, maybe a little. But can you blame me? You were so into your conversation with him."

"Aw, my poor jealous Kenan," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist as we stopped by the car. "You know you’re the only one for me, right?"

He leaned down, pressing his forehead against mine. "I know. I just can’t help it sometimes."

I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him, feeling his arms tighten around me. "I promise, I won’t make you jealous again. But you have to admit, it’s kind of cute."

Kenan groaned, but his smile betrayed him. "Fine, you win. But next time, remember to save some attention for me."

"Deal," I laughed, kissing him again before we got into the car, ready to head home together.

#football imagine #football x reader #turkiye #kenan yildiz x reader #kenan yildiz

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spaceyaceface · 1 year ago

Text

you are a wildflower garden growing in my head

Ominis Gaunt x f!MC/Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: None

Summary: When she learns that Ominis Gaunt is well versed in floriography, she insists on him giving her lessons to learn the language of flowers. Thankfully, he ins't too hard to convince. Requested by @applinsandoranges

A/N: I loved researching Floriography a bit (or maybe a lot) for this fic!!! I'm sure it's not perfect, but I tried my best to be as accurate as possible. Thank you thank you THANK YOU to applins for requesting, I loved writing this so much!!!

Normally, the courtyard was pretty quiet—it was what made it an ideal place to study in the early spring, when the snow had just finished melting and trees had started to bud. She and Ominis had made a habit of sitting out there in the late afternoons, when Sebastian was serving his various detentions.

That day didn’t seem to qualify for normal.

Everett Clopton was chasing after a weeping Adelaide Oakes, who had burst out into wailing tears mere moments ago.

“Addie, what did I do wrong?” Everett shouted after her, the flowers he had given her left on the ground where he had thrown them. “I’m sorry! Come back!”

The ruckus caused quite the stir in the courtyard, students looking up from their studies to watch the pair—she herself couldn’t help but stop her reading, observing them with a furrowed brow.

“What was all that?” Ominis asked from beside her.

“Everett Clopton just gave Adelaide Oakes some flowers, then she ran off crying,” she summarized quickly. “Pretty unexpected turn of events. I always thought she returned his feelings.”

Ominis frowned. “What flowers did he give her?”

She took a closer look at the flowers laying on the ground, tilting her head a bit. “They’re petunias, I think.”

The loud laugh from beside her caught her off guard—Ominis usually contained his amusement pretty well, especially in public, so his loss of composure made her brow furrow. “What on earth is so funny?” she asked, perplexed.

Ominis sat himself back up, taking a deep breath. Small chuckles still escaped him, but he seemed to have control of himself now. “Petunias,” he began, “Mean anger and resentment. No wonder Adelaide was upset.”

Her own lips turned up in the corners. “Seems like poor Everett didn’t have a clue,” she said. “But to be far, neither did I.”

“I’m not surprised Adelaide caught on,” Ominis said. “Hufflepuffs are usually more inclined to plantlife, aren’t they?”

“I suppose,” she replied. “Hold on, how do you know the meaning of petunias?”

She didn’t miss the slightest blush that covered Ominis’s cheeks. “My sisters,” he answered. “It’s a form of sending messages that normally wouldn’t be allowed to be shared when properly courting. They’d receive bouquets from suitors and would sit and talk about their meanings for hours, speculating it from every angle. I grew a bit fascinated by it, and learned what I could about the subject flower meanings.” He gave a small smile. “I know much more than the meaning of petunias.”

She smiled, thinking of a young Ominis delving into such topics. She rarely heard him talk about things he was excited about, especially from when he was younger. There was a certain glow to his features when he did—one that fit beautifully with his handsome features. It was subtle; something people who’d spent less time observing Ominis would likely have missed. But she had become somewhat of an expert in the slight expressions on her friends face—likely due to the extended periods of time she found herself staring at him. It had only gotten worse as they grew closer—as her feelings for him became stronger.

“How come you’ve never told me about any of it?” she asked.

He shrugged. “You never asked.”

“Well, I’m asking now.”

He chuckled, hands reaching for his textbook once more. “Fine then. I’ll give you a lesson in floriography. Just give me some time to prepare for it. We better finish our Potions homework in the meantime; Sebastian will need someone to copy off of later tonight.”

She sighed, but didn’t argue. She’d hold him to his lessons, she’d make sure of that.

It took a few days of pestering him until he finally told her he’d teach her about flowers later in the afternoon. She agreed to meet him by the Black Lake—the spring had started to warm up, and being near the water seemed like a wonderful idea.

When she trekked down to their meeting spot, her eyes widened a bit at the scene. No wonder he had wanted to take a bit of time to prepare—he’d gone out and gathered a wide variety of flora, each of them sitting around him. She couldn’t help but think that anyone who didn’t know of their intentions would have taken the scene as a romantic one.

He heard her approach, smiling up at her and patting the ground beside where he sat. “My student has arrived.”

“You better not assign me homework,” she said, sitting down. She enjoyed the chuckle her comment drew out of him.

“I’m sure you’re busy enough studying for N.E.W.T.S. already,” he said.

She groaned. “God, don’t remind me. I came to escape that for a while.”

“Well, hopefully I won’t take up too much space in your head with this useless information.”

“Hang on,” she protested. “Don’t go calling it useless. Seemed like Everett would have benefited greatly with this knowledge. Besides, who knows when I’ll have a secret message to decode?”

He faced away from her, busying himself by grabbing a couple of the plants beside him. Was his face a bit flushed–? Surely not. It was perfectly clear when his head tilted toward her once more.

“As you learned not long ago, not all flowers are fit for a display of love or affection.” He smiled a bit. “In fact, a lot of them have sentiments more akin to the opposite. For example…”

He reached to his side, pulling forward a cluster of small flowers, bright pink with white on the edges of the petals. “These are China Pinks, or Indian Pinks. I’ve been told they’re quite lovely. But looks can be deceiving, as the mean the giver has an aversion for the receiver.”

She laughed a bit. “That would be a shock to receive, I’m sure.”

He grinned. “Precisely. If one wanted to be a little less harsh in their message, one could instead give someone everflowering candytuft—”

“Candytuft?” she interrupted, giggling.

He shook his head in mock annoyance. “Yes, candytuft. Don’t be fooled by its sweet name, it means indifference.” He placed a white flower with many layers down in front of her.

“Are all these flowers a way of telling me how you really feel about me?”

Ominis laughed at that. “No, I just wanted to give you a sample of some of the things you can say. Those last two are just as untrue of my sentiments for you as the message this next one conveys.” He showed her a small white flower with a yellow center and red dot on each petal.

“What’s that one mean? I’m going to burn down your house?”

“It means ‘I die tomorrow.’”

Her jaw dropped, and she couldn’t help but let out a surprised laugh. “Do people really tell people things like that through flowers?”

Ominis shrugged, setting the flower aside. “They must, if it’s a well-known enough meaning.”

“I’ll never look at flowers the same way again.”

“They’re not all bad,” he promised. He continued with his lesson, bringing forth each flower he had brought. She listened to each one very attentively, thoroughly enjoying listening to him. He was right—it was a fascinating topic. She learned magnolias represented a love for nature. Mountain laurels stood for ambition. The colors mattered greatly, too—a red columbine meant anxious and trembling, while a purple one meant the giver was resolved to win.

By the time the sun came to rest on the horizon, her head was swimming with various names and meanings. They’d gone through all of the samples Ominis had brought her, and he seemed satisfied with the lesson he’d given her.

“There better not be a test,” she said as he gathered up the flowers around them. He grinned.

“Don’t worry, I’m not that cruel.”

The two of them stood, ready to be on their way. “I’ve got to visit Poppy about nifflers she says she spotted,” she told him, wishing she could spend the time it took to walk back to the castle with him.

“Ah, of course. You and your beasts,” he said with a small smile. He shifted on his feet. “Before you go, I’d like you to have this.”

He handed her a large red flower, tall and curving with strange petals sticking up all down the length of it. She took it from him, brows furrowed. “I don’t remember what this one meant. You haven’t showed it to me yet, have you?”

“Not yet, no,” he said, voice quiet.

“What’s it mean?”

He smiled at her softly. “I’ll tell you soon enough.”

And with that, he headed off toward the castle.

She really tried not to think too much about the large flower occupying the vase in her dorm room over the next several days. Tried being the key word. Every time she walked into her room and saw it, she couldn’t help the slight flip of her stomach, remembering the slight blush Ominis had sported while handing it to her.

Surely it was something simple and lighthearted. Surely it was some sort of jab or joke, and not any sort of… confession. He had spent that whole lesson talking about what flowers meant outside of romance, hadn’t he? Why would the gift he gave her at the end be any different?

Even so, she found herself checking out a book on floriography at the library, trying to learn the secret message he’d given her. So far she’d learned nothing of it.

It didn’t mean she didn’t learn anything, though.

It had taken them several days to find time for another one of their little lessons, with actual studies taking the unfortunate priority. But they promised to squeeze it in on a Saturday morning just before lunch. She’d woken up early to locate one of the things she’d latched onto while reading her book—a variegated tulip.

Beautiful eyes, the book had told her. She figured if he got to tantalize her by giving her that flower, the least she could do was try to flatter him a bit into telling her. She hoped it wasn’t too forward; she’d told him his eyes were lovely before, but to do so in a language so dear to him—well, it just felt a bit intimate.

In any case, she found herself headed to the very same shore of the Black Lake, seeing a scene much like the first time they had met there. Ominis sat there with a group of flowers, but this time, they were all bunched together, forming a mis-match bouquet.

She grinned as she plopped down beside him, tulip tucked away. “That looks lovely.”

Ominis chuckled. “I hope so. All I know is it smells pretty decent.”

“Is that how you tell all of them apart?” she asked. “The scent?”

He nodded. “That and the texture of the petals. Though I’ve gotten used to using my nose first—I’ve ruined a good number of flowers by manhandling them.”

She laughed. “It’s a bouquet this time.”

“Very observant of you,” he teased. She gave him a gentle shove in response, making him laugh. “Don’t abuse your teacher!”

“Don’t patronize your student,” she said, grinning.

He shook his head. “As my amazingly brilliant and very astute student pointed out, I’m holding a bouquet—” she shoved him again— “which will be the focus of our lesson today.”

“Permission to leave class early?”

“No.”

“Fine.”

He chuckled, his fingers beginning to gently run along the different flowers he held in the bunch. “Last time we went over some of the more specific and less used meanings. Today I’m hoping to touch on some of the more common flowers, ones you’d be more likely to come across.”

“Sounds practical.”

“Precisely. I’ve gathered them in a bouquet for you—often times you’ll receive a bouquet so the sender can express more complex feelings, allowing the combination to give a better overview of their emotions and perception of you. So let’s dive in.”

His finger pointed out a stem holding a few small white flowers. “These are white bell flowers, an expression of gratitude.”

She hummed. “I like those ones. They’re pretty.”

He smiled and nodded, turning the bouquet. “Here are oak-leaved geraniums, meaning true friendship.”

She tilted her head, scooting a bit closer to him for a better look at the pink petals. “How sweet,” she said, smiling.

His ears went a little red. “The next one needs a bit of an explanation as to why I included it in your bouquet, but—”

“Wait, my bouquet?” she asked.

“Yes, your bouquet,” he said, red spreading to his cheeks and across his nose. “Now let me continue.”

“I… carry on, then.”

His fingers ran over the flowers he’d been indicating once more. “Water willows are representative of freedom. You’re always running off to some place, despite all the rules you should follow, so… freedom.”

She nodded beside him. “That makes sense.”

He continued on, explaining the reasoning of each flower there in her bouquet. Each one made her heart beat a little faster—he’d spent all that time, thinking of her, picking out exactly the right words to describe her and what she meant to him. It left her grinning like an idiot as she tried to remember each and every thing he said. None of the things he brought up trailed into the realm of romance, but she didn’t need it to. Not now, at least. It was perfect, just as it was.

“And there you have it,” he said finally. “Your bouquet.” He held it out to her, tilting his head away from her a bit.

“I… I don’t know what to say, Ominis,” she said, taking it from him and holding it gently. “This is… you’re too kind.”

“You don’t need to say anything,” he said quickly. “I thought a… demonstration would be best, to help you learn about it. Sorry if I overstepped—”

“You didn’t overstep anything,” she said. “I’m just glad I at least have something to give you in return. I’m sorry it’s not a full bouquet, but it’ll have to do.”

She pulled out her tulip, which looked a little pitiful next to his varied display. But she pressed it into his hand. He felt up the stem gently, and then froze.

“Is… is this a tulip?” he asked quietly. “What color is it?”

She furrowed her brows at his reaction. “It is. It’s a variegated tulip.”

He let out a breath he must have been holding, a small smile coming to his face. “Beautiful eyes,” he said softly. “Thank you.”

She couldn’t help but think his smile had a strange tainted emotion behind it—one she couldn’t quite grasp. “You’re welcome. Sorry it isn’t much.”

He tilted his head in her direction. “It’s perfect.”

She couldn’t help thinking about Ominis’s reaction to her tulip the rest of the day. Something about it bothered her—the way he froze up at first, the strange tension in his voice.

It wasn’t until she looked back at her book on floriography she thought she understood why.

She’d looked back at the page on the variegated tulip, trying to see if there was something she missed, when her eyes drifted up to the entry just above it.

Tulip; Red - Declaration of Love.

Her stomach churned. That had to be it. Ominis had no way of knowing what color tulip she had handed him. For all he knew, she’d been about to confess her feelings to him.

But had he been full of dread or excitement?

She racked her brain, trying to recall every last detail of his words, he tones, his movements. But to no avail. She was just as clueless of his feelings for her as before

The coming days didn’t help, either. As much as she tried to observe the way he interacted with her, all she learned was… well, that she loved him. She already knew that, of course. But she kept being reminded of all the little reasons why.

Like the way he whispered snarky jokes to her in class. The way he smiled so slightly when he was amused. The way he walked her to class, even it made him late to his own. Everything about him, really.

She loved that he made the time to have one final lesson, right before N.E.W.T.S., too.

Being so sure of her feelings now, she decided to take a risk. Which was why, before she left for the Black Lake, she tucked a red tulip into the pocket of her robes.

Maybe she’d use it. It was still up for debate—but she’d have it ready if there was even a chance he might feel the same.

When she arrived at their meeting spot, Ominis was fiddling with the flowers around him. Much like the first time, they laid sprawled out, ready to be dealt with one by one. She came and sat across from him, smiling. “Well, here I am, at my final lesson,” she said.

He chuckled. “I hope I’ve been a sufficient teacher.”

“We’ll see if I pass the test.”

He let the smile linger on his face for a moment before moving to one of the first flowers beside him. “I feel like I’ve done a proper job of informing you the uses of flora outside of romance—however, it doesn’t mean it’s still not a large part of it.”

The flower he held twirled in his fingers. She felt her cheeks heat up a bit—no, she couldn’t get too excited about this. Just because they were talking about love and affection didn’t mean…

“I feel like it’s an important section to cover,” she said, still eyeing the flower he held—pink with drooping petals.

He nodded. “Extremely. This one I’m holding is a bit… well, dramatic, I suppose. But it conveys the giver’s message pretty clearly. Justicia—the perfection of female loveliness.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Very clearly. I assume you only give it if you really mean to court someone?”

“Precisely. Would you mind holding it for me?”

Before she could reply, he pressed the stem into her hand, all but forcing her to take it. She grasped without much thought, as Ominis was already reaching for the next flower. He held up the cluster of small flowers, smiling. “Here we have Peruvian heliotrope. It signifies unwavering devotion.”

He held it out to her, and she took it without a word. He continued on, not missing a beat. The next thing he held was not a flower at all—but he was quick to explain. “Cedar leaf,” he said. “Perhaps not a flower like the others, but it expresses the proper messages. I… I live for thee.”

There was a tone in his voice that had changed dramatically from when he was simply giving her explanations. A distinct shift that made it hard for her to breathe. One that made her hand feel like it was burning where his fingers brushed against his as he handed her the leaf.

“Everlasting,” he named, holding a bright burst of yellow and orange petals, “Never-ceasing remembrance.”

It was added to her growing bouquet.

He picked up the final flower she saw, a lovely little pink thing, taking the shape of a ball. “Globe amaranth. It has two meanings. Immortality, for the first. But the one I’d like to emphasis is unfading love.”

She sucked in a breath. The petals shook a bit, resulting from his trembling hand. Before he handed it to her, he reached behind him, pulling out a flower that he had let lay concealed there.

“You’ll recognize this one,” he said softly. She did. The flower he had given her on that very first lesson—the one he told her she’d learn about in due time. It seemed that the time had come. “Honey flower. Love sweet and secret.”

He felt the same. He had this entire time. He’d sat with her, day after day of studying and laughing, all the while letting his heart beat for her. It filled with with a joy she had never known—one she was determined to never let go off.

She looked up at his face, jaw tense, and she realized her silence at his confession must be excruciating. She reached forward, taking the flowers from his hands and adding it to her perfect collection before setting it aside. “You mean it, Ominis?” she asked, hoping she had not taken this all ridiculously out of turn. It was relief when he answered in a quiet voice.

“Every word.”

She grinned, taking one of his hands in her own before reaching for the pocket of her robe. The flower was still intact—a small miracle she was glad had occurred. “You’ve been an absolutely amazing teacher,” she said, guiding his hand to take the tulip. He wrapped his fingers around it, brows furrowing. “For one, I now know how important colors are when it comes to deciphering meanings.” She leaned closer, voice coming out as almost a whisper. “I’ve brought another tulip for you. But this one is red.”

His face lit up in an instant, lips reaching up to spread into the most beautiful smile. The flower was set aside, for his hands found something much more important to do. He placed them on either side of her face, fingers tracing over her cheeks. She held his wrists, letting him lead her closer and closer, until there was no distance left at all.

The breeze blew softly over them, carrying the floral scent with it. She’d love that smell for the rest of her life, she was sure—because it would always remind her of the way his lips felt on hers.

#ominis gaunt x reader #ominis gaunt #ominis gaunt x mc #ominis x reader #ominis x mc #ominis gaunt x you #ominis gaunt imagine #floriography #hogwarts legacy

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brabblesblog · 3 months ago

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In recent weeks, I have been receiving hate anons on my ao3 fic. I have tweeted about it here and there, but have mostly ignored it. Unfortunately, today I received another, and due to the content, I feel like I have to respond. It’s been said before but it bears repeating: public accusations like these are damaging to creators, even when they are phrased passive aggressively rather than direct.

I shall endeavor to answer these in full in this message and then I don’t plan to address this issue again. I would have preferred this to be resolved more maturely, through conversation, but as these remarks have been placed in the public sphere, and have been happening for weeks now, I am opting to reply openly.

The concept of an A!A that could be softer was inspired by a number of A!A fanfics, particularly 'The Rogue You Were', and I have always been open about this. In fact, were you to look at chapter 1 of Whither, an acknowledgment exists. Whither’s foundation was built on this concept, and grew into 2 – going on 3 now – full longfics from there. I have never been shy about where my original inspiration came from.

These tropes that I am now accused of copying (masquerades, Raphael-esque characters, Astarion being murderous, comic relief, and bats) are as we all know common tropes amongst the fandom and amongst vampire literature, and were not new concepts when they were used by the person claiming credit for them.

My favorite thing about fandom spaces is that they are a place to share ideas and collaborate. The person who made this accusation was someone I considered a friend: we had openly expressed to each other various instances where she and I were inspired by each other’s work. I have credited her influences; she has not credited mine. Dredging up screenshots to support this statement would be exhausting, and I hope it doesn’t become necessary. I’d much rather be working on my fic than dealing with this, and I hope this is the end of it so we can all get back to doing what we enjoy with our time.

I have as of late retreated from reading other fanfic within the fandom; mental health issues and intense impostor syndrome have rendered it impossible for me to engage in others’ writing, no matter how much I’d like to. Art, being something in the fandom that is removed from writing, is something I really enjoy seeing and delve headfirst into, but I am not at all up to date on the latest fic trends. These ideas (the masquerade, batstarion, and a more light-hearted tone) are things my editor and I have long wanted to add to the fic, but they did not fit into the plot right away. Presenting a cohesive, well-thought-out story has always been the most important thing to me, rather than chasing the latest trend.

We are all playing the same game, writing from the same base material, often for the same characters with slightly different takes on those characters. There is no way to write for a fandom, particularly one like this, without a fair bit of overlap. I've worked hard this year to find my peace with that, and to not see others using similar plot points as copying. We are all appreciating the same masterpiece of a game, after all.

And lastly, I’d like to add that I don’t in any way condone harassing anyone, anonymously or otherwise, so please do not do so on my behalf.

Comment can be seen in this chapter, will post a screenshot if it's deleted:

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lxmelle · 5 months ago

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Gojo’s beliefs of “when you die, you die alone” & “there is no curse more twisted than love”.

We know these were his personal beliefs. At least the latter was confirmed by his own mouth as a personal theory in jjk0. What he told Megumi during the 1on1 training wasn’t a lecture but a piece of advice for how he hoped Megumi could overcome his limitations. It must’ve worked for, or been personal to, Gojo himself who reflected on how this was inaccurate in ch236.

It got to thinking about how he came to believe these. It’s normal to philosophise following personal experiences and form our worldview. So within the context of the world in jjk, here are my reflections, right or wrong:

As a jujutsu sorcerer they’re expected to embrace death at any moment. They were trained to take lives and therefore they expect the risk that comes with it to some degree. Those whose lives they wish to take will defend themselves, and they can be killed instead. Those with an exceptional burden, whether it be as a teacher or as a talented sorcerer, they’d have to be prepared to lay their lives on the line for others.

We see even adults expressing reluctance over this - like Kusakabe and MeiMei - who have something greater they wish to protect through their survival. Of course it’s not easy to embrace death. Especially when you have a lot to lose. Nanami said he wouldn’t be married for as long as he was a sorcerer. Maybe that’s why they trained them young... but that’s by the by. The greater the strength, the greater the responsibility. This is what the strongest duo shouldered with the mission from Tengen, and this was what they had to get used to when being sent on missions separately.

Meaning, there was always the need to accept the high possibility of going alone. Risking just yourself. Alone.

And it’s not hard to imagine that Gojo and Geto both accepted that death equated to a sense of being alone after they parted ways.

Because they weren’t a duo anymore. The end, the death of it. Even if they were, like in HI, they might still have “died” separately. Helplessly.

So in that sense we can see how the ideal about dying alone could have come about for Gojo, who tended to learn things experientially (e.g. not only as a talented & gifted sorcerer - a genius, but also in the matters of decorum, love, etc.) so in terms of loss and grief, it should not be any different.

When Geto embarked on his path, he accepted that this alone-ness equated to a certain death. He actually sought to be alone (like killing his parents) aside from the girls he protected and found a family who were considered outcasts/minorities within the conservative Japanese society.

He embraced his own self sacrifice - his death - so much so that he proclaimed it would have meaning for Gojo to take his life. Gege wanted him to caution Gojo not to take others’ lives along with his (since they had opposing ideologies too), encouraging Gojo to stay on that path and not follow him. It was like walking alone to his death, living on borrowed time.

And Gojo for certain left behind.

Maybe the pain of having left behind, feeling alone as the strongest, felt like death too. It was not enough to be strong if you were alone. Loss is grief. Being alone was a loss and grief. Grief and loss have roots in separation, in death.

And in being the strongest, being left behind, being alone, being prepared to die, watching someone be prepared to die, and seeing others die - he might’ve felt that his death would equate to being alone too. This was the worst pain he had ever known after all.

So I HC that, just like “love is the most twisted curse” he believed that “when you die, you die alone” based on his own lived experiences.

And for what reason did his greatest hurt/pain emerge? Why was he left behind…? Well, it was out of love.

Love really could make the most twisted of curses. It can bind someone to your soul. We know the parallels with Yuta & Rika and Gojo & Geto.

From HI we can delve deeper. For the sake of humanity, out of compassion and love, Geto became twisted and cursed himself by having crazy ideals that required him to sacrifice himself and humans. Out of love for Gojo, he also cursed them both to separation & loneliness. Out of love, Gojo was twisted himself, cursed as he couldn’t kill his friend, had chosen to abide by the principles and values shown to him, could not move on … and therefore this personal theory was born.

It of course got worse for Gojo (😭) and all hell broke loose when he had to kill his beloved bff but couldn’t let his corpse go.

Sigh.

Love is also salvation though. Gojo made sure Geto didn’t die alone. And Haibara made sure Nanami didn’t. Maybe Nanami made sure Haibara didn’t all the way back then too.

When Gojo died, Geto picked him up.

Love also gave meaning and purpose. It drives humanity. But it was also a curse and Gojo theorised right.

Maybe the two beliefs are linked, in that if you didn’t know love (humanity?) you might die alone, with regret. If you hung onto love and lived purposefully with humanity in mind, you might die a good death.

Who knows what themes Gege is cooking...

Thoughts? Feel free to comment or reblog with them!

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sailtomarina · 5 months ago

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Colourful, but Controlled, Chaos

Fred Weasley/George Weasley/Reader | fluff, humor

There wasn’t a day that went by where the Weasley twins weren’t up to something. Whether it was the Slytherins walking into the Great Hall for breakfast with mutinous expressions and lime green hair, the piercing outcry that followed Madam Pince’s discovery of stacks of Playwiz scattered across the library, or how miniature swamps appeared seemingly at random around the castle, there was never a moment of peace.

You would have laughed if you weren’t furious.

Because these pranks didn’t just occur to the deserved or only during downtime, but at all times of day to anyone and everyone. There were no exceptions to the terrors they wrought, not even towards each other.

That fairness would be admirable, you supposed, if you hadn’t witnessed painfully shy firsties sobbing from embarrassment, or been a victim yourself to a well-hidden shower charm that turned your hair a brilliant shade of lilac. You’d thought of all people you might be the special one, being as you were one of their closest friends.

Finals loomed and you knew the entire castle was on the verge of implosion. It would only take a slight nudge from Fred and George to send teachers and students alike into a war that would leave nothing but rubble in its wake.

“This has to stop. Now.” You stood before them, hands propped on your hips and wearing your fiercest scowl.

It was the look that never failed to send Malfoy and his followers scurrying to their dungeon. The look could even silence students like Marcus Flint and Cormac McLaggen, transforming their swaggers into straight backs and shoulders.

Fred and George, however, were not so easily cowed.

The matching pairs of eyes bluer than the clearest summer sky took you in for a grand total of five seconds before they burst into laughter, louder than before.

“I mean it!” you insisted. “We only have these last weeks until break and we, I, need peace to study.”

The seriousness of your plea fell on deaf ears as they paused to peer up at you, only to dissolve into giggles once more. Even more galling to you was the fact that no matter how much mischief the two of them created, they still somehow scored high marks in nearly every one of their classes.

“Gred, I think Y/N is on the verge of hexing us.”

“I believe you’re right, Forge. It’s a good thing we’re so fast on our feet, isn’t it?”

Before you could whip out your wand and do just that, they hauled you forward into their laps. You were as helpless as a mermaid on land as they manoeuvred you across them, fingers delving towards all your ticklish spots until you screamed for mercy.

“Please, no more! Fred! George!”

Their hands let up, and you panted at the reprieve. The grins they wore were wider than ever on their stupidly handsome faces. You wanted to smack them and snog them all at the same time. The two emotions battled for control, with you the helpless party. If you weren’t so head-over-heels for them, you would have killed them by now.

When you finally had your breath under control, you fixed them with another stern glare. “I know you might find this difficult to comprehend, but there is a limit to my patience.”

“Ooooooh, that sounds terrifying.” Fred’s distinctly non-terrified smirk preceded his twin’s.

“What’s in it for us if we behave, love?” George asked. There was a dangerous glint to his eye to pair with the twist of his lips.

You could feel the heat of their hands on you even through your uniform. Your throat felt dry, and you licked your lips on reflex. There were words you wanted to say, had wanted to say for weeks now. You weren’t sure if saying them now, here, was a mistake. Maybe this was the push you’d needed.

“If…” you cleared your throat, then continued, “If you hold off on any further pranks until after tests are over, I will go on a date with you. Both of you.”

You’d heard the rumours. Knew them to be true. Fred and George Weasley didn’t do anything by halves. When they loved, they loved together. That meant that anyone who chose to be with one also chose to be with both. There was no taking one without the other.

The hands that rested across your legs and waist tightened, drawing you closer into them. There were no smiles now on their faces; only the full force of their attention on you and nothing else.

“Do you mean it, Y/N?”

“You’ll be ours?”

You bit your lip at the heat in their questions. You needed to clarify things, even if all you wanted to do was say ‘yes’. Keep them focused. “I’ll go on one date. What happens after that depends on how that date goes.”

They remained sombre as they scooched apart to help you sit up. The handshake you shared sealed the deal for peace.

One month and a single date later, they had you exactly where they wanted you–in their arms and completely theirs. You even chipped in those last few days of the school year, your guilt just as apparent as theirs as Hogwarts erupted into colourful, but controlled, chaos.

6.11.24 prompt, “I know you might find this difficult to comprehend…”

883 wc

Cross-posted on Facebook and Tumblr.

I’ve fallen off the treadmill lately with short prompts like this one due to all the fest writing I’ve been doing these past couple of months. I really want to get back into them because they make for great exercises to get the words flowing. Hopefully, you can look forward to more of these soon!

#harry potter fanfiction #harry potter flashfic #reader insert #x reader #weasley twins x reader #fred weasley #george weasley #weasleys witches & writers

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theblackfemininesociety · 10 months ago

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Girl Talk: How To Properly Hold Someone Accountable.

“You know that I love you, that’s with a passion but I’ll hold you accountable for your actions”

— ‘Accountable’ by BLXST

☕️ Let’s Have a Girl Talk:

In a society that often perpetuates toxic behaviors and fosters a culture of disrespect, it is crucial to explore alternative approaches to accountability. The Black Feminine Society embraces the idea that we can hold individuals accountable with love, genuine respect, and compassion, without resorting to demeaning and disrespectful tactics.

By confronting issues with a solution-oriented mindset and fostering progressive conversations, we can pave the way for positive change and growth.

This blog post delves into the power of accountability, the role of love and respect, and the importance of proactive engagement.

Accountability, by definition, involves acknowledging our mistakes, taking responsibility for our actions, and making amends where necessary.

The Power of Accountability:

Accountability is a fundamental aspect of personal and societal growth. It involves taking responsibility for one's actions, acknowledging the consequences, and actively working towards healing and restoration. Within the Black Feminine Society, accountability is approached as an empowering tool that encourages individuals to reflect, learn, and evolve. By holding ourselves and others accountable, we create opportunities for personal development and collective progress.

The truth is, genuine accountability is rooted in love, respect, and compassion. It is about holding our sisters accountable without demeaning them, without disrespecting them, but instead, acknowledging their potential for growth.

Tough love is not about harshness or severity. It's about transparency and honesty, delivered with good intentions and from the heart. It's about acknowledging the issue at hand and addressing it directly but kindly. It's about making the other person understand that they are loved and respected, even when they are being held accountable.

However, the reality is that holding someone accountable can often be challenging and uncomfortable. It becomes even more complicated when we want to ensure that the process is filled with respect and compassion, instead of negativity.

•

So, what actions can we take to encourage compassionate accountability in our society?

🩷 Understanding & Empathy:

Recognize the individual's experiences and feelings and validate them. By doing this, you're telling them that their perspective matters, and you're willing to walk alongside them on their journey to improvement.

👄 Speak from Love, Not Anger:

It's crucial to communicate from a place of love and genuine concern, rather than anger or frustration. This doesn't mean you shouldn't express your feelings; it just means you should do so in a way that doesn't belittle or disrespect the other person.

🩷 Focus on the Issue, Not the Person:

When holding someone accountable, concentrate on the behavior or action that needs addressing, not the individual. This approach ensures the person doesn't feel personally attacked, facilitating a more open and productive conversation.

✨Propose a Solution:

Confronting someone about an issue is the first step, but it's equally vital to present a solution, plan, or support. This positive action sets the tone for a progressive conversation and shows that you're invested in resolving the issue together, not merely pointing out faults.

🩷 Give Them Space:

After the confrontation, give the person some time and space to process the information. It's important to respect their need for reflection.

Join the sisterhood, Follow us on INSTAGRAM & FACEBOOK

#black women in luxury #classy black women #black women in femininity #feminine energy #black luxury #the soft life #feminine journey #femininty #life tips #self help #self discovery #self development #self discipline #love #black friendships #girl talk #bfs girl talks #classy tips

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gentlebeardsbarngrill · 10 months ago

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01/22/2024 Daily Recap

Hey all! It's been a long day huh? I wanna apologize ahead of time, whatever sickness my kiddo had last week finally got me so I'm not feeling terribly well. I'm gonna do my best to articulate todays events for ya!

===Renew As A Crew====

So the very first thing I want to touch on today is updates from @renewasacrew. As you may have heard, they were going to be changing leadership as the shift in priorities changed from renewing to saving OFMD. That being said, the leadership change happened over this weekend with some hiccups (I don't know what the hiccups were entirely and I'm not going to speculate, if you wanna delve down that twitter hole you can, but having been in it for today I'd recommend against it for your mental health, and we don't want to be drawing a bunch of media attention to it) there's a lot of confusing information, and as we know things can get conflated fast if we don't have all the pieces to the puzzle-- let's not speculate and wait for the to come out with more info.

So what I'm focusing on today is @renewasacrew's message to please give them some time and practice some patience while they get back up and running. This also includes anyone you happen to know on twitter working with them, for example: @TheCozyPirate. Let's give them some grace, they've been steering us well so far.

The good news is, several folks, on tumblr: @iamadequate1, @quirkysubject, @asgardian--angels, On twitter: @havethisonelife @yougotoofast @Lcmwriter100, we have all we need to keep going for a few days while things get ironed out. (If I forgot someone please let me know, sorry I am half awake tonight)-- see the HOW CAN YOU HELP section below.

One thing I will mention-- we are moving so very fast right now. It's only been 13 days since the announcement that OFMD wasn't renewed, and we've accomplished SO MUCH. So when there's a lull, it's going to feel like things are standing still and maybe something is going wrong. Don't fall into despair, that's just how things go with negotiations. Take a break, take a breath, and just keep on Polite Menacing until we hear more from the leadership team.

===How can you help?===

**Go to visit the DAILY RENEWAL TASK LIST there's lots of ideas and ways you can help! Have more? Shoot me a dm! I'm happy to add stuff!**

*Note: To our international fans, I promise I'm working on a write up for you as well I've just been sick today and have been able to finish!*

Something new today-- a lot of you have expressed your desire to help in the @renewasacrew efforts. Well if you did-- and still want to, now you can volunteer! Many thanks to @redshiftsinger for getting this up so quick!

Please visit their survey: Volunteer Intake form and fill out how you may be able to help!

=== Cast and Crew Sightings ===

As if on cue, Chaos dad reached out to everyone on twitter today to express some encouragement!

He also saw we were at 77K and posted his astonishment!

Some folks have been a bit weary about his vagueness today, but as we know, Daddy Jenkins is the king of vague-- and he has to be! If there are contracts in the works, he can't be hinting at things. Don't lose hope!

===Samson Kayo ===

Our beloved Oluwande updated his IG with some pictures and a message. If you have IG I'm sure he'd appreciate some love!

Next up was our favorite Captain, Rhys Darby, promoting a fellow comic @jamesroguecomedy over on IG!

And our pirate queen Ruibo Qian was making posts about saving ofmd and fanart about Zheng! Featuring folks you probably know around tumblr: @mistysblueboxstuff and @tsutsu_ya over on twitter

=REMINDER: Cross Fandom Watch Party! on 01/23/2024 1 PM PT, 4PM ET=

Looks like there's gonna be some cross fandom watch parties on twitter you're welcome to tune in for Jan 23-26 on twitter. They'll be watching good omens in an effort to try and get engagement up with PrimeVideo. It sounds like it'll be similar to the LubeAsACrew but with Good Omens fans! Thank you to @Dandeebakes on Twitter for getting these organised!

Hashtags to use: #PirateOmens #AdoptOurCrew #SaveOFMD, and helps to @PrimeVideo

===Articles===

New article, but take it with a grain of salt, see @TheCozyPirate's message:

Our Flag Means Death's marketing was concerned about the shock of violence in the show

===============================================

Alright lovelies. Here we are again, I told you it'd be quick. Today was very very very busy. Take a break and get some sleep ya? Lean on your crew, we are here to support each other. I'll end with a quote from Tolkien (it being all of us in your crew):

"May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out."

Tonight picture features Taika and his "I love you eyes" at Rhys. Thats me, I'm Taika, I love you all.

PS: Idk why this isnt showing up in my recaps repository but ill figure it out in the morning.

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cosmicjoke · 2 months ago

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How "Attack on Titan" Advocates Through Levi and Jean the Superiority of Remaining Human over Becoming a Monster:

There’s an idea presented early on in “Attack on Titan”, which revolves around the concept of needing to become a monster in order to defeat monsters.

At its earliest suggestion, we hear it from Armin, and it’s obvious what it means within the context of fighting titans. Titans are, after all, literal, giant monsters that go around eating people.

But of course, later on, this idea becomes much more complex, what it means becoming more vague and abstract, just like “AoT” itself.

We again hear Armin speak about it with Jean, and also Levi speaking about it during his monologue to the 104th, during the Uprising Arc.

But what I think people tend to misinterpret and misunderstand about “AoT” is that the story very clearly advocates against this idea, and instead promotes the opposite, which is the idea of maintaining our humanity in the face of a cruel and merciless world.

And I think the two characters that it demonstrates this most powerfully through are Levi and Jean. That also makes sense to me, as Levi is the character that perhaps has the largest impact and influence on Jean and his development.

Delving first into Levi and how he demonstrates and, ultimately, I think, proves how “AoT” wants its audience to understand that it’s better to retain our humanity than to become a monster, it’s necessary to talk about Levi and Erwin.

Levi admires Erwin and, indeed, thinks of Erwin as a superior human being to himself. I think, initially, Levi even seeks to emulate him.

The reason Levi admires Erwin and considers him superior to himself, the reason he trusts so much in Erwin and his vision, is because Erwin is able to remain detached from all sentiment in the performance of his duty. He’s able to remain hard-hearted, to make cold and calculating choices and decisions, divorced from any, personal feeling. This is a quality of Erwin’s that Levi both admires, but important to note, is also repulsed by. We see Levi remark several times throughout the story about Erwin’s “creepiness”. He seems often unsettled by Erwin’s lack of emotion and we also see Levi express disgust and ambivalence over several of Erwin’s plans which generally involve sacrificing human lives in order to succeed.

The reason Levi ultimately admires this quality in Erwin, though, and why he believes it makes Erwin superior to himself, is because he believes that ruthlessness in Erwin is built upon a foundation of altruism.

He believes Erwin’s intentions are pure and selfless, and that Erwin himself is a good man. That he only behaves coldly because he genuinely cares about people and prioritizes them above all else, and that a certain level of detachment is necessary to succeed in his goal of bettering their lives. Levi himself thinks that Erwin’s ruthlessness, his ability to remain detached and unpersuaded by personal feelings, is a necessary quality, excusable because Erwin utilizes it in order to achieve a better world, by securing humanity’s victory over the titans.

This is an important distinction to understand, that Levi sees Erwin as a good and compassionate man, but one who is able to detach himself from emotion when a particular circumstance calls for it. So we know that Levi doesn’t view compassion as a weakness. He wouldn’t trust in Erwin if he thought he was a heartless man.

He sees Erwin as superior to himself because Erwin doesn’t struggle in the same way as he does to remove his personal feelings from his choices

And we see this struggle, and ultimately, this inability in Levi to detach himself from feeling, from compassion, and to let that compassion influence his choices, again and again and again, from beginning to end of the story.

He comes across at first as a cold and efficient soldier, able to cut down titans with greater precision and ease than anyone else. His demeanor seems to speak to a cold, unfeeling personality, his lack of expression adding to the effect.

But then, to fly directly in the face of his initial appearance as a cold and efficient killing machine, he turns around and shows exceptional compassion and kindness and a deep ability to empathize with others, tragic even in how affected he is by their pain and suffering.

We see this seeming contrast in Levi’s very first appearance in canon, when we first meet him cutting down titans and remarking upon how ugly they are, expressing disgust when he gets their blood on his hands.

But the very next thing we see Levi do is comfort a dying soldier, grasping his blood-soaked hand without hesitation and listening to his dying words, promising the man that he won’t let his death go in vain. Promising that he’ll use his sacrifice to fuel his own strength and determination to rid the world of titans. We then see Levi ask Petra, in an almost childlike way, if she thinks the soldier heard his vow before passing away, seeking Petra’s reassurance that he was able to bring the man some comfort before his death.

So, it’s shown to us immediately what kind of person Levi actually is.

Levi is all heart, unable and unwilling to abandon compassion toward others, even in the face of a cruel and merciless world.

Again and again we see this, and we see Levi’s attempts to emulate Erwin and his ruthlessness failing as a result.

For example, during the Female Titan Arc, when Dieter begs to be able to go back to retrieve his friend’s corpse, and Erwin and Levi tell him he can’t, and begin to walk away, despite Deiter’s anguished protests. Dieter accuses them both of being heartless, and then decides to strike out on his own to retrieve Ivan’s body, in the process leading a group of titans to the retreating Survey Corps, endangering their lives.

Despite Levi appearing earlier to be deaf to Deiter’s despair, and despite Dieter’s reckless actions endangering the whole group, causing them to have to abandon the bodies they were able to recover, including those of Levi’s squad, and despite his own unkindness toward Levi in accusing him of being heartless, rather than scolding Deiter or showing any sort of anger toward him, Levi instead gives Petra’s badge to him and tells him it belonged to Ivan. We see through this that, despite before walking away with Erwin from Deiter’s emotional breakdown, again, attempting to emulate Erwin’s professional detachment from the situation, Levi was never actually closed off or deaf to Diether’s pain; that he was in fact deeply affected by it, and he’s ultimately unable to keep himself from trying to comfort Dieter by giving away his own memento by which to remember Petra and saying it belonged to Deiter’s friend.

Again, we see Levi’s great humanity in these moments, which is directly at odds with the idea presented, of having to become a monster in order to defeat monsters.

Levi views his own sentimentality as a hinderance to his ability to perform his duty and be a good soldier. Again, it’s why he both admires Erwin, but is also, at times, repulsed by him. Because he views Erwin’s ability to detach himself and not give into emotion as a necessary and positive quality in a leader, while at the same time, such detachment and lack of emotion rankles against Levi’s own nature. It feels wrong to him, to ignore another person’s suffering, and he’s unable himself to do so.

There are numerous other examples of Levi being unable to detach himself or remain emotionless throughout the story, but for now let’s move on.

We see again Levi’s attempts to be more like Erwin during the Uprising Arc, which I think he expresses most openly during his monologue to the 104th. He talks about being willing to take on the role of a “lunatic who kills people”, as long as it means nobody else ever has to take on that role themselves. Now this is important, because we see expressed here a foreshadowing of Levi’s decision during the RtS Arc, of letting Erwin rest, of his unwillingness to let Erwin become a monster for their sakes.

Levi wants to be more like Erwin because he wants to keep others from having to become monsters. He wants to help others preserve their humanity.

Levi grew up in an environment which forced him to do bad things in order to survive. He had to learn to kill and steal and be violent just to make it from day to day, and yet, that’s what makes it all the more remarkable, and what serves as a true testament to Levi’s compassionate nature, that instead of becoming bitter and vengeful and wanting to give the world back the same cruelty and unkindness he was forced to endure, he wants rather to prevent it and shield others from the same sort of experiences and from having to resort to the same extremes he did in order to keep living. He wants to be able to promote kindness and compassion, rather than violence and cruelty.

Again, he thinks at this point in the story the only way to achieve that is by taking on the role of monster himself and, again, being more like Erwin, cold and detached. But there’s an inherent contradiction in that belief and in Levi’s own goals. The very reason Levi is so determined to prevent others from having to become monsters and engage in violence themselves is because of his own compassion and kindness. He doesn’t want to see other people suffer. He isn’t okay with other people suffering. And he isn’t okay with inflicting suffering on others. It’s that very fact about himself that Levi doesn’t quite realize makes him a superior person.

We see this demonstrated in the aftermath of Levi’s and Hange’s torture of Sannes. Levi is visibly disturbed and upset at the orders he’s just had to carry out. We know this because we see how it’s discombobulated Levi’s normally very sharp awareness. He forgets entirely the reason they were torturing Sannes to begin with, which was to extract from him the information about who the true heir to the throne was, that being Historia. We know he forgets, because he forgets to inform Historia herself of the information they’ve gathered, and then when he does remember to tell her, and she initially refuses to even consider taking the throne, he lashes out in frustration and anger at her selfishness. Levi loses himself in this moment to his own discomfort, preoccupied as he is with the realization that he’s had to cause suffering in another human being.

We see here, again, Levi failing to be like Erwin, failing to remain detached and unaffected by human suffering.

He talks about being a monster, or a lunatic, but just as we’ve seen from the beginning, Levi is truly anything but. He’s a deeply empathetic and kind person who again and again is unable to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, no matter the cause. As he says, he's willing to "play" the role of a lunatic, but Levi is never able to actually become that. He's never able to do anything but play-act, to pretend at it. And when moments arrive in which he's actually faced with another beings torment, again, the facade of that role drops away, and we're left with who Levi really is, a kind and compassionate man.

And still, Levi thinks Erwin is the superior person, because Erwin’s detachment is in service to the greater good and he can make choices toward that end that Levi himself struggles with.

Only soon Levi, along with the audience, finds out that’s not actually the case.

Erwin’s ability and willingness to remain emotionless, it turns out, was never in service of any such altruistic or selfless goal, but rather in service of Erwin’s own personal and selfish dream.

We find out that as a result of this years long detachment and the secret, personal motivation underlying it, Erwin is in fact ridden with a sense of deep guilt and remorse, but still unable, despite that guilt, to willingly abandon his dream.

Ultimately, he needs Levi to make that decision for him.

Erwin, whom Levi had considered to be a stronger and better man than himself for being able to make the “hard choices”, is too weak morally to do the right thing on his own, even as he very desperately wants to.

And here I think we see the first, clear demonstration of how “AoT” wants its audience to understand that sentimentality and compassion are not, in fact, a weakness, but rather a strength, and that it’s better to retain ones humanity, rather than allowing oneself to become a monster.

We realize that, all this time, it was actually Levi who was the superior one. That you don’t defeat monsters with monstrosity, but with humanity. That being a monster isn’t what makes you strong, but being human. Levi is stronger than Erwin, not in the physical sense, but in the moral sense, and that strength finds its roots in the purity of his heart and intentions. He never betrays what he feels is right, not for anything, and that’s how Levi lives with “no regrets”, as he says. Whatever the outcome of his decisions, Levi is able to have no regrets because he knows in each of those choices, he chose what he genuinely believed to be the correct and just course. Erwin’s ability to make the “hard choices” and remain detached from feeling never made him the embodiment of the Survey Corp’s ideal, rather, it was Levi’s inability to abandon his humanity is that made him the true embodiment of that. Because, after all, what does the SC fight for but humanity itself?

We see Levi’s continued humanity play out when he’s forced to make his decision atop that roof, of whether to give the serum to Erwin or to Armin. He chooses, ultimately, not to give the serum to Erwin because, in alignment with his earlier statement about wanting to prevent others from having to become monsters, he refuses to let Erwin become a monster for them. That encapsulates Levi’s strength. His unwavering resolve to do what he believes is just and right, no matter what.

Erwin was a good man. We see this I think most clearly when he promises the family of Dimo Reeves that his true killer will be brought to justice. He isn’t without feeling or sentiment. But he was in danger of becoming that way, of becoming a “devil” as Floch calls him, and Levi refused to let that happen. He refused to let Erwin’s humanity be sacrificed for a cause. And, again, it’s because of Levi’s own, great humanity that he refused it. He couldn’t condemn a fellow human being to further suffering, or to monstrosity. That refusal to waver in his morality, that refusal to betray his own beliefs and heart is contrasted directly with Erwin’s own weakness and inability to stay true to what he knows is right, and is meant, I think, to demonstrate once more why compassion and kindness are in fact what makes a person strong.

And we know this choice rooted in compassion is ultimately the right choice, and that the narrative wants its audience to see it as the right choice, (unlike what some of the characters in the story, or even some obtuse readers/viewers insist upon) because it leads to humanity’s eventual salvation. Armin, through his own innocence and purity, is able to convince Zeke to get off his ass and actually help stop the Rumbling, something Erwin would have been incapable of as a result of his own, tainted psyche and guilt in relation to his dream.

It’s more than implied that forcing Erwin back into the role of Commander, when his psyche was already breaking down as a consequence of his guilt, would have resulted in Erwin becoming a true monster, willing to do anything and foregoing compassion entirely in pursuit of victory. And if you need an example of where that would have led, look no further than Zeke or Floch, both characters who indeed abandoned any sense of humanity in favor of succeeding in their ideological goals.

There’s a reason the narrative frames Floch and Zeke in a negative, villainous light. We’re meant to see their abandonment of humanity as a bad thing, just like we’re meant to see Erwin’s detachment from feeling as bad, with the way it pushes him to the precipice of madness and drowns him in self-hatred. Again, the implication is that, were he forced to continue on in that role, he would have eventually fallen to the same folly and monstrosity that gripped Floch and Zeke.

That brings me to Jean, and how he, like Levi, also serves to demonstrate the importance of retaining ones humanity in the face of a cruel world.

Jean’s humanity is, in fact, directly contrasted during the raid on Liberio with Floch’s lack of humanity. And I’ll get into that soon.

But first it’s also necessary to go back and talk about what it is Jean learned from Levi and how that influences Jean to retain his humanity moving forward.

I’ve spoken before about how Jean is initially very judgmental toward Levi and even views him as being a bad person for killing other people, right up until the moment Jean himself is forced into a position of kill or be killed. He learns that judging others for their actions without understanding the context is bad, because you can very easily end up in the same position and having to make the same choice. He learns that he and Levi aren't so very different, that Levi doesn't kill because he wants to, but because he has to, and that being forced into a position of having to kill and being willing to kill doesn't in itself render someone without compassion or feeling, or indicate their morality, or a lack of morality. And, in fact, I think, Levi and Jean actually share some very core characteristics with one another. I think both of them are, in truth, the most morally strong characters in "AoT". Even still, in that moment of having to kill, Jean hesitates, and in doing so, forces Armin to take on the burden of becoming a killer for him.

Jean thinks, in the aftermath, that Levi is going to scold him for his failure to do his duty and so he apologizes to him for judging him and vows never to hesitate in taking the killing shot again. Jean expects Levi to chastise him, and maybe even gloat about his own correctness in killing, but instead, Levi tells him that he can’t say whether Jean was wrong or right for hesitating to kill, that he only knows that his failure to do so put all their lives in danger, but that Jean is entitled to and must decide for himself going forward what he believes is the correct course of action in any, given situation.

Jean’s earlier assumption about Levi being a bad person because he kills other people is proven wrong. We see that Levi, in fact, takes no pleasure in and doesn’t at all want to kill people, or even influence others toward that course of action. Indeed, again, as Levi later states in his monologue, he wants to prevent other people from having to become “lunatics”, from having to commit violence, and in that speech, it’s also clear to me that Levi laments the fact that the members of the 104th have, as he says, been exposed to too many abnormal things, forcing them into situations where they have to make those sorts of decisions at all. Again, Levi has grown up in a world that’s taught him that his survival and the survival of others often depended upon his willingness and ability to take life, but that doesn’t mean he views killing as a good thing or even that he tries to justify it. Levi applies no moral judgment to the act of killing. He doesn’t call it right or wrong, and he doesn’t attempt to influence Jean to see it in any, particular light either. Instead, he encourages Jean to form his own opinion and, in the process, to retain his humanity. Again, I think this speaks to Levi’s own humanity, that even though he knows certain situations and circumstances require violence to gain a favorable outcome for himself and those he cares about, he doesn’t attempt and doesn’t want for Jean to specifically learn that lesson or embrace violence or killing as a solution to every problem. Levi would rather have a world in which nobody ever had to kill at all.

I think this is further borne out in regards to the situation with Marlo and Hitch, and how Levi allows Jean to again choose for himself what his path is going to be, whether he’s going to become mercenary, or if he’s going to retain a more humanistic approach and avoid violence where he can.

Remember, Levi is going to let Marlo and Hitch go without harm, telling them he’ll leave them tied up and free to go once he and his squad clear out. But Jean intervenes and asks Levi if he can be allowed to deal with the two of them. This interaction between Levi and Jean is really important, I think, because it shows that Levi trusts in Jean to make the best decision for the situation. This is coming off of their earlier interaction when Levi told Jean he would have to choose for himself what he felt was right and wrong. Again, remember, Levi didn’t scold Jean for failing to kill, and didn’t attempt to guilt trip him over endangering their squad, either. He allowed Jean to maintain his sense of compassion without derision.

Marlo and Hitch don’t pose any physical threat to Levi or his squad at this point, and I think Levi’s initial decision to let them go without harm is also demonstrative of how Jean’s earlier assumption about Levi being a bad person for killing was wrong. Levi only kills when there’s absolutely no other option. He doesn’t kill indiscriminately or for any reason other than preservation of himself or others. Killing isn’t something Levi has grown desensitized to or unfeeling about. He isn’t a cold-blooded or ruthless killer or murderer. He only kills when a failure to do so will get him or others killed.

And so I think it speaks volumes that Levi agrees to let Jean “take care of” Marlo and Hitch. Jean’s wording here would seem to indicate that he’s planning on killing the two of them, but I’m certain that Levi understood in that moment that that wasn’t what Jean was doing or planning at all. He looks at Jean and tells him okay, and lets Jean take Marlo and Hitch off into the woods. I’m certain also that if Levi believed that Jean truly intended on killing Marlo and Hitch, he wouldn’t have allowed it.

Instead, I think Levi understood that Jean needed to test for himself whether his earlier hesitation to kill would always result in a bad outcome, or if there were truly moments when showing mercy and compassion could still work out to the benefit of both parties. If there was any hope for his moral beliefs to survive in a cruel world. And that’s exactly what Jean does. He trusts in his instinct that Marlo is genuine in his declaration of wanting to join the Survey Corps and fight for humanity, and allows himself to be put in a vulnerable position to test whether his instinct is true or false. It pays off for Jean, and for the rest of Levi’s squad, because Jean’s instinct was right and Marlo and Hitch are able to help lead them to the headquarters of the Miliary Police, and to then find out where it was Eren and Historia had been taken.

We see here a clear demonstration of how making a choice of compassion can and does lead to a positive outcome. And again and again we see the same, with Jean allowing his compassion to lead him even in circumstances which, on their face, would seem to require ruthlessness, only for those choices to work out and later bear beneficial fruit. Like Jean wanting to spare Reiner during the RtS arc and Reiner, of course, later becoming a key weapon for the alliance in their attempts to stop the Rumbling. And the same applies, also, to Jean seeming to intentionally miss his shot with the thunderspear against Pieck and Falco, allowing for both of them to, like Reiner, serve as key weapons for the alliance, and in Falco’s case, to become an integral part of their eventual victory.

All of this, as I already mentioned, is directly contrasted with Floch and his intentional murder of civilians during the raid on Liberio. Floch is what happens, what it looks like, when all sentiment is abandoned and we allow ourselves to be purely dictated by logic and cold calculation. It always ends in tragedy and devastation.

This is where I think people always make such a fundamental mistake in their interpretation of Levi’s choice to let Erwin die. People who say it was the wrong choice are looking at it from a perspective similar to the one Floch or Zeke holds, that is, this idea that everything, including human compassion, human connection and empathy, is expendable in the name of “the greater good”. Like Floch and Zeke, they think compassion is a weakness, and that abandoning ones humanity is a good thing. It shows how they’ve bought into the idea earlier presented that to defeat monsters, we must become monsters. And so, they call Levi’s decision “selfish” and “wrong” and say he “doomed humanity” because he wasn’t willing to let Erwin become the devil humanity supposedly needed to attain victory. But to say that requires them to also ignore all of the core themes of “Attack on Titan” itself and the message it tries to convey about the importance of retaining our humanity in the face of a cruel world. By their logic, one would suppose “AoT” is telling the reader/viewer that we have to abandon empathy and kindness in order to succeed and flourish. But of course that’s completely the opposite message that “AoT” tells us. It instead tells us that the only way humanity has any chance of surviving and breaking free of the cycle of hate and destruction it over and over seems to get caught in, is to hold on to our empathy, kindness and humanity. It shows why, through Levi and Jean particularly, and how their refusal to compromise on what they feel is right, their refusal to compromise their morality, is so important. How that empathy, kindness and humanity that they have is what actually makes us strong, what actually makes us better.

#Levi Ackerman #Jean Krischtein #jean kirstein #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #analysis #meta #commentary

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gretavanmoon · 14 days ago

Text

an omnipresent force • ch 5

Chapter 5 - DARK ABDUCTION

Jake x female reader

Words: 12K

A/N: Semi-AU// Set six years in the future, the world has decided to cast humankind aside, starting with the poisonous entities that are destroying her the most.

*So sorry it took me a damned month to write this LOL I love you all

Warnings: Dystopian Horror, Cursing, Suspense, Feelings of Fear and Uncertainty, An Apocalyptic World, Violence (& mention of firearms), Mentions of Smoking, Kidnapping, Blood, Death & Dying, Lying, Attacks, Deceit, Panic, Mental Anguish. Smut: Kissing, Heavy Pining, Heavy Touching, Mentions of Sex

JAKE

“Wait, you two kissed?” Sam places his hand harshly on my shoulder as his tired eyes delve deeply into mine. I see the tiniest hint of a smirk poking at his mouth, and I immediately regret my decision to let the admission of what happened last night slip. I’m struck silent for a second as I bite my own tongue for telling my brother what happened on the wall by the koi pond, but he perseveres. “Answer me, asshole! Tell me what happened!” His hand shakes at my shoulder as I glance around to be sure we’re away from the rest of the group, but I feel Danny’s presence suddenly hovering at my back.

“Wait, what happened?” he says with a monotone grunt, sitting down beside Sam and I with a plate full of canned something. “Who kissed somebody?”

Jesus Christ.

We’d all awoken from the restlessness of sorry excuses for sleep nearly an hour ago, buried up under old, musty quilts and blankets from the home Odin had us hiding out in. I fell asleep with Y/N’s hand in mine as we laid head to head on the dusty cushions, trying our best to calm our minds enough to sleep. We knew we needed it, hell, even if we didn’t fall into unconsciousness, just resting our bodies enough to relax was helpful enough. My mind had raced all night long with half-asleep dreams of Josh… of my parents and my family, all my dark daily thoughts even darker then under the cover of nighttime and complete silence.

But her warm hand in mine gave me some type of solace, though she is still yet unfamiliar and more or less a stranger to me, that kiss on the wall felt like more than just two humans begging for physical touch after so many months without it. Deep down I knew that my body was acting more powerfully than my mind, taking whatever it could get just to feel something again, but after sitting with the memory of the feeling of her lips on mine all night long, I started to think it felt like something different.

Luckily Y/N had taken off to the woods to do her business, giving me a second of reprieve to sort my thoughts out while Odin and the brothers made some type of breakfast over the fire in the backyard. Sparrow was still deep in sleep, resting peacefully in the bedroom across the hall from us.

“Jake kissed Y/N!” Sam belts to Danny in a loud whisper, earning him a swift slap of the back of my hand across his stomach. “Ow, fuck! What, you didn’t want him to know or something?”

“No, I don’t care that he knows, it’s just… not a big deal–”

“Not a big deal? Jake, this is like the first episode of a soap opera, man!” Danny exclaims with a toothy smile. “Need some romantic drama in my life, tell us what happened,” Danny orders as the two of them sit beside me with expressions of extreme interest. For a split second, it feels like we’re 16 again, telling each other stories about girls and hookups and how we managed to sneak out after midnight without getting caught.

“No drama to it, Daniel,” I begin to reluctantly explain, running my hand over my mustache. “Just… kinda happened, I dunno.” I stare back at the both of them, all three of us haggard, dirty, unshaven and feral… looking outwardly worse for wear than we ever have in our lives. I make a mental note to re-think what Y/N even sees in me, right now.

Their eyes are trained on me, their jaws hanging slack as they wait with bated breath for the dirty details. It feels private, but also…eh, they’re going to learn about it eventually, I guess. I’ll keep a little bit to myself, but feeding into them will make for some unexpected entertainment.

“Just happened…” Sam repeats. “I mean was it, good?” he asks, swallowing down his excitement. You’d never guess that we’re thirty-something year old men having this discussion right now.

I feel my chest bloom with the memory of it, remembering everything about how she felt pressed against me, how she tasted, how she sounded when I let my hands wander…

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, it was… really good,” I can feel my cheeks blushing. “We just…” I throw my hands into the air and try to down play it all, but they know me too well. The bite of my lips between my teeth is doing all it can to keep me from relinquishing every detail to them, simply so I can relive it, myself.

“Fuckin’ come on, Jake. I didn’t realize you guys were that close…” Danny tries to urge me.

“We’re not, I mean, we were locked up in the same pod, she was a damned fan, for fuck’s sake,” I breathe, checking our surroundings again as I whisper. “She saved me, back at the sink hole…” I recount to them. “Got me out of there. They’d just hit me over the head when I was trying to save her Paps, I was passing out. I wouldn’t have made it out if she didn’t–”

I watch them adjust themselves as they listen, huffing through deep breaths of imagining what my negative memory might be going through.

“I mean of course I’m… ya know. It’s been some time since I’ve—,” I try and explain without saying, earning understanding nods from them. “But things got a little…handsy, I guess.”

“Oooo!” Sam squeals, rubbing his hands together. “You lucky motherfucker! What else happened? Did you do it?”

“God, no, Sam, we didn’t do it, you fuckin’ idiot,” I bite back as Danny laughs loudly.

“What?” he howls. “I’m trying to live vicariously here!”

“Nah man, she’s like… really nice. It was really uhm, not just physical, I guess. We talked and stuff. She feels like…” I raise my hands and squeeze the air as I realize I’m having a hard time explaining to them exactly what I feel. Of course my body is feigning for more human touch, any type of connection I can get my hands on. I’m ashamed of the thoughts that plagued me on the couch last night, but I remind myself that it’s normal. And, after hearing what she had to say about a little touchin’ and squeezin’...

“She feels good. I don’t know how else to explain it. Just, really good. All the way around.”

“So there’s mutual attraction?” Sam asks, nearly begging for more detail.

I fight back another smirk. “Oh yeah. M’sure of that.”

“I saw her looking at you last night,” Danny adds quietly as he pulls food into his mouth. “She got those googly eyes.”

“Of course she did, Daniel, do you not remember being on stage? It hasn’t been that fucking long ago…” Sam bickers.

“No,” Danny laughs, “not that kind of eyes. She was looking at you. Like, really looking. With concern and empathy…while we were listening to Sparrow talk.”

All I can do is nod, remembering that I’ve caught her looking at me like that, too. A few times now. And each time it sends a surge of some type of emotion that I don’t have time to think about right now straight through my body like an electric shock. It’s funny, I’ve had my fair share of what you’d call crushes in my lifetime, some evolving into serious, years-long relationships and some fizzling out before I even had a chance to think twice about them.

But never have I felt like I didn’t want to eat the food in front of me when I’m nearly starving, simply for the fact that the emanating peace I’ve felt in my chest and stomach for the past few days takes up enough space that I don’t need sustenance. Because she fills me. She’s making my heart race for a reason that I don’t yet understand, and I’m teetering on the edge of feeling guilty about it, as my heart should be racing with worry and concern for my family, instead.

“Well,” Sam breaks the silence, “I hope that things stay moving forward for you, brother. Nothing like a little romance during the fucking apocalypse.”

Just then I hear her giggle from the back side of the house, causing my head to dart that way as I long to hear it again. I toss the pebbles that I had mindlessly picked up back into the murky koi pond and stand with Sam and Daniel, and we begin to make our way back to the fire to see what the day will hold.

I catch her eyes as soon as I round the corner of the house, bright and rested as I assume she got better sleep than I did. Her face immediately turns the prettiest shade of pink before she shyly breaks her gaze, tossing a few pieces of hair behind her ear. That familiar knot pulls at my stomach, making me forget how to breathe for a second as I watch the too-bright sun bounce off her features. The day is already beginning to feel strange as the wind begins to shift from the warmth of the night into the freezing cold of the day.

“Where is Odin?” Danny asks the brothers as they work to prepare a makeshift meal.

“Went to sit with Sparrow until she wakes up,” Robbie answers as he stirs whatever is in the pot that hangs above the fire. “Want some?” He holds the wooden spoon out to me as I realize it’s some kind of oatmeal, and I immediately feel my stomach churn with hunger. Maybe I do need real sustenance, after all. I nod, grabbing two bowls from the stack and letting Robbie fill them for Y/N and I.

I pass the bowl off to her as we both take our seats on a rock by the fire. “Awfully kind of you to think of me, Jacob,” she says sweetly, taking the hot bowl from my hand.

You’re the only thing that’s been on my mind since last night, if we’re being honest…

“Sharing is caring,” I blurt, making her giggle again.

“Do we have a plan? Are we making moves soon?” Danny asks, turning the bleak cheeriness of the morning straight into business. We always leave it to him to keep things on track. And honestly, if it weren’t for him naturally doing that at every single turn, it’s hard to tell where we would be today.

“As soon as Sparrow wakes up, and we see that she’s ready to share again, we will define a more detailed plan,” Josiah explains. “For now, Odin wants you all fed and for us to gather necessary supplies from the house. I found some backpacks and camping gear in the upstairs closet, we can fill them with whatever we need.”

I tilt the bowl up and let the soupy oatmeal fall into my mouth, and as it burns my lips and tongue I feel nothing but gratitude for it. My mouth waters and my stomach churns again as it thanks me, my mind suddenly feeling a bit of clarity as the food hits my stomach.

“We also need to hydrate. All of us,” Robbie adds. “I think these people were preppers before we even knew the world was ending… I found a ton of canteens and potable water in the basement this morning. Firestarters, water filters, hot hands, oil lamps… take whatever you want but make sure it doesn’t weigh you down. There’s also still a ton of clothing in the closets. Grab whatever you can.”

“We also need to remember that we’re being hunted,” Josiah says grimly from behind him. His eyes seem dark in the sunlight, a stark contrast to his brother’s cheery disposition. “Hunted by the ones who Robbie and I ‘work’ for.”

“Worked,” Robbie corrects him, glaring behind him to meet eyes with his brother. My gut suddenly falls as a worrisome thought flows through my head, one that hopes to the heavens above that these men aren’t actually luring us somewhere. I know Y/N, Sam, and Danny have the same thought, but it’s quickly extinguished as Josiah explains his demeanor.

“Right, worked. Sorry. I’m just…” Josiah works his hands over his face and licks his lips, letting out a large breath of air as he shakes his nerves away. It hadn’t dawned on me that these two men have put everything out on the line for this, for us. To help save us, keep us protected. They are just humans like we are, just a couple of guys who agreed to fight the good fight. Of course they’re feeling just as overwhelmed.

“We haven’t forgotten that, Josiah. And I don’t think you know how much we appreciate you both for coming out here and helping defend our asses,” Sam says through full mouths of his oatmeal. The other three of us agree and nod.

“We’re not gonna let these motherfuckers win,” Robbie growls. “They mistreated us for far too long. Lied to us, and we played their games, but we caught them up. Now we know how they operate. We’ll be damned if we let them take anything more from us.”

“Your family, are we searching for them, too?” Y/N asks from beside me.

Robbie and Josiah share a sullen glance before their eyes land back on her. “No, we lost them all to the rash. Dad was able to stay with us for a while, but. It got him in the end,” Robbie says, tossing a few pieces of broken sticks into the flames.

“Neither one of us have even shown any symptoms. Then we got picked up by these scary fuckers, they agreed to give us shelter and a lavish life in safety from what has happened to the world. Not sure why we agreed, we felt desperate at the time, I guess,” Josiah adds. “They said they would make it worth our while to come and work for them, and before we knew it we were in too deep. But we did learn nearly everything there was to know about how their world intersects with ours, and then we learned about you guys being found. Made all the musical ties ourselves, realized all the lyrics, knew that you’d be in grave danger, and we were right.”

“I still can’t believe you two were fans, too,” Danny breathes. “Feels strange.”

“Yeah man, big time. Used to play you guys all the time while we were overseas, bugged the shit out of everyone until they all started singing along. Took some time, but we converted them,” Josiah went on.

“Wait, overseas?” I implore.

Robbie clears his throat. “Yeah, we were both in the military. I was Air Force, Joe was Marines. We were both stationed separately when Starcatcher came out, but I remember we got on some shitty Zoom call and talked about it for like an hour. We were hyped.”

“Oh yeah!” Josiah yelps. “That was killer, I remember that. Fuck I played that shit over and over, got the whole squad turned on to you guys. Playin’ fuckin Highway Tune on jukeboxes in random bars in Germany… ah, what wild times.”

I feel a genuine smile warm through me as I realize that our music really did tie bonds between people, and they found comfort in it even while they were living in what most likely was their own versions of hell. Even now, months after we realized that our dreams had come to a quick and forced ending, it feels good to hear the stories of days past, when it truly did mean something to someone. At least we all will always have that. “So that’s why they hired you guys… you had experience in this shit…”

They both nod. “Yeah, somewhat. We ended up coming back home around the same time, I got an MP job, and Joe stayed with Special Forces for a while. Got out and got some civilian jobs or whatever, then the world ended,” Robbie says with a twist of his neck.

I gulp down the strange sadness that has washed over me, and I feel Y/N’s side press a little harder onto mine.

“Bet that was tough…” I mutter.

“Yeah, ya know. We didn’t hate our lives, but it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows. The thrill of the job is what we got addicted to, but it felt like a prison most days,” Josiah goes on. “Now we deserted our posts as work hounds for those motherfuckers, guess we’re a couple of renegades, now.”

Danny’s eyes shoot open as he glances to them, then to me, realizing yet another connection that hadn’t even dawned on any of us, yet. Son of a bitch, Josh…how in the fuck did you do this?

I shake my head in disbelief, feeling Y/N exhale hard as she makes the connection, too. It’s quiet for a minute or so as a heaviness falls over us.

“Till Valhalla?” I finally ask, unsure of how else to propose it.

Josiah purses his lips, offering me a stern look. “Or is it Alas, Babylon?”

I huff through my nose, breathing a quiet “fuck” as I place my bowl down onto the rocky ground, running my hands over my face. They’ve realized it, too. As the minutes tick, things become more and more unreal. Or more real, depending on how you look at it. I’m awestruck at how our words are still coming to life at every turn, realizing now that these two brothers are our Barbarians.

“Well, thank you, guys… for all of it. Really,” Sam says with a little conviction as we all add in our words of agreement.

“Ah, no need for that. But it’s appreciated,” Josiah says as he stands up and elbows his brother. “We’re just out here still doing what we do best, huh?”

Just as the conversation starts to lighten a little, we hear the back sliding glass door open as Odin gently bounds through, giving us looks of intrigue as his one orange eye glistens in the sun. Behind him in hand, is Sparrow.

“Good morning, everyone. I trust you all got some rest,” his voice is low and graveled as he uses caution to lead a tired Sparrow outside into the cool wind.

“Got enough, I suppose,” I say, standing to greet them. “How are you, Sparrow?”

Her aura seems to shift as she moves, the air around her almost glittering in a dusty haze. “Well, Jacob, thank you.” It’s like the breeze warms as she speaks, blowing across us with a new wave of positivity and calmness. She emotes some kind of invisible tranquility, almost immediately filling me with a new gumption to keep going, keep fighting. I can hardly fathom the emotion, but I feel a warm buzz of stamina begin pulsing through my veins. She makes me feel like I’m…alive.

Odin leads her over to take a seat on a bench as she hobbles across the gravel with her hand clutched protectively over her sword.

“Is she…limping?” I hear Y/N whisper quietly in my ear, again furthering that the visions of her in Josh’s dreams were spot on.

I nod slowly as she begins to relax onto the seat, stretching her back and raising her arms high above her head. “My friends, my sincerest apologies for bestowing that news upon you with such haste last night, but I thought it prevalent to our situation, and urgency became paramount. And then, my slumber afterward is always overpowering, and again I am sorry. I simply can never fight through it…”

I feel Y/N rise from her seat beside me as she wraps a blanket around herself, making her way over to sit beside Sparrow. “It’s alright, you don’t need to be sorry. I think we are all grateful that you’re here, and willing to help us, right guys?”

“Right, absolutely,” we all viciously agree. At this point, I’m chomping at the bit for her to continue, to feed us more information that I know she is holding inside her. But I’ve learned that patience is key.

We all gather in around her like children being read a Christmas story, anxiously waiting to hear what new news she has to offer. I’m nervous, and I’m a little scared to know, but I also can’t bring myself to think about anything else at the moment. The newfound urge to keep going is amplified the closer I get to Sparrow, but I also could absolutely collapse with worry for my brother.

“Alright, I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news…”

Y/N

I feel the overwhelming urge to reach out and grab Sparrow’s hand, but I resist, not knowing whether or not that will comfort her at all. I’m not sure where my want to comfort her has come from, but I can’t seem to step away from it.

The guys and I sit and wait for her news, and I’m positive none of us have taken a breath since the last word left her lips. My nerves are swirling but I suppress them, knowing that Jake, Sam, and Danny are a thousand times more anxious than I am. Paps would want me to stay strong.

“The good news is that your brother is alive. And he is safe, in some sense of the word,” she sings, her accent flowing through a hundred millenia, but all of us are somehow able to understand it. “My friends, as I’m sure you all have probably assumed by now, Joshua has been found and captured by those who rule the Tower. His mind is still his own, but you must understand, once one crosses into the other world and begins inserting oneself with the beliefs of those who inhabit there, it takes a great deal of power to begin to reverse it. The words that flowed from me last night were indeed words spoken by your brother, himself, to the people there whom he will one day rule over.”

“Wait, rule over? What does that mean?” I interrupt, my body tensing.

“Jacob, your brother is a Seer. Even in his adolescent dreams and nightmares, he was witnessing and experiencing a plethora of occurrences that were happening in real time, in the past and in the future, in our world. You know this, now. You wrote about it, about it all. Once our people learned that Joshua possessed this gift through learning of your music, they made it their mission to try and take him for their own. To rule over them as the true one that they could believe in, the one who stands, and watches over,” Sparrow says. My chest caves and my breath hitches as it all begins to come to life again. All of our lyrics, all of our stories…

She goes on, “Of course they wanted him, they just had no idea that a mere human would be the one to possess the power to see time. Time and events being prophesied by a human man in an enemy world is… unfathomable, for them. The end of your world just happened to be the perfect time for them to act upon their plans, as our worlds cannot live while the other is struggling to stay alive. Two sides of the same coin, spinning rapidly on its axis until it begins to slow and falter. But this time, oh, this time, things are different.”

“So they wanted Josh… to be their Seer, to be the one who can warn them of what’s to come, what will work in their favor, and what will not…” Sam drones, choking back tears.

“Correct, Samuel. Odin, have you told them of what they are doing to their elderly? With their memories?” Sparrow asks.

Odin shakes his head. “Yes, I have.”

“Your immune elders are being used for their experiments. They are trying to wipe their memories, wipe anything and everything they have ever known to soon bring them over into their own world, and convert them to follow the Seer. A whole new population that will know nothing but following him.”

“Blind faith…” Danny murmurs from beside me, his elbow pressing into my back. “It’s their fate.”

“That’s right Daniel,” Sparrow agrees, emanating another glow of positivity around us. “Blind in the sense that they will have no recollection of how they got there, or why they feel compelled to follow this omniscient. It’s the perfect storm.”

“You said that the hooded guards are all omniscient, why can’t they use one of them? Why does it have to be Josh?” I press, remembering what Odin had said.

“I said they are all nearly omniscient. Your brother, in their eyes, is completely so,” Odin reiterates.

I huff out an air of disappointment for news that I partially already knew, but hearing it all said out loud has crushed me. Why? Why?

“Josh didn’t know what we were writing about was real, though! They can’t take him and claim his mind like that, they can’t take away his free will!” I yell, feeling my heartrate taking off.

“They can, Jacob, and they have already begun the process. You heard his words last night, and I know you know they were not his own. They’ve begun to manipulate his thoughts into believing that all he claims is truth, which partially, it is. They are deeming him as a new leader, a sovereign entity of whom will lead the people to their destiny.”

“Destiny? What destiny?” Danny asks.

“If their trials are successful, and they are able to completely wipe the memories of every immune human left on earth, they will take them all as their own and the Earth will have no choice but to relinquish all its power unto them,” Sparrow barks, and I can tell that the words sting a bit as they leave her mouth.

“But I thought our worlds can’t exist without one another,” Y/N blurts, her hand now gripping hard onto mine.

“They can’t, my love, without inhabitants who are strong and thriving.” Sparrow stands and approaches us, her warmth bellowing toward us as she raises her hand to brush across all of our faces. “That’s why they are hunting you. You are worth everything to them. If they can erase the memories of your elders, then they will be sure they can erase the memories of the stronger, younger immunes. Wipe your Mother Earth of her inhabitants, and watch as she completely crumbles. Once they convert you all, then their world will have more than enough power to exist on it’s own, without needing the support of Earth to survive.”

She comes in closer, her aura dripping with what feels like forced happiness. “You see, they want to fully extinguish the human race from the face of the Earth. They want you as their own. Their plan is to take you all, and Joshua is their sole key to the abductions.”

Abductions.

Suddenly, I can’t breathe.

I can’t blink, I can’t swallow… I can’t even feel the rocks that I know are poking through the thinning soles of my boots.

Jake’s hand slips from my own as I feel him slowly turn to me, and to Sam and Danny, all of their faces void of any real emotion at all, other than complete terror.

“This isn’t fair…” I whisper, and I’m not sure any sound came from me, at all. It feels like my chest is made of stone, the small breaths I’m pulling in unable to expand my lungs. Josh…

“What do we do?” Jake asks us, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as his pupils shrink to pinpoints. His face has dropped to a stark white, and I can feel the terrified energy radiating from him. His eyes dart from his brothers to me, looking to all of us for answers that we simply don’t have. “What do we do?” Tears begin welling in his eyes and the rims of them turn a bright red. I can see his hands visibly shaking.

“We search. Today. We leave, now,” Odin harks, standing from Sparrow’s side as he throws his bow and arrow over his shoulder. “Into the house, pack your bags, take only all that is necessary and nothing more. Pack water, warm clothing. Josiah, Robbie, the same for you. Make sure you lock all of the doors and windows, we will return to this place eventually.”

“Where are we going? What’s the plan?” Danny asks as everyone begins to shuffle.

“First we find your families. Get them to safety. Then we find your brother and cross him back over. That will be the hard part,” he says, punching through all of us to go and begin packing his horse. Danny, Sam, and the others jump into action and begin rushing into the house to pack their things.

I notice that Jake is frozen where he stands, the news that Sparrow has just shared still coursing through him. I fear he is in shock, feeling the effects of learning the truth about his twin fully and completely. Truly, I’m not sure what to even say to him right now, but then I look to Sparrow and she gives me a tight grin, and I immediately feel another wave of comfort and courage wash over us.

“Jake, I know you’re scared right now, and I know this is a lot to process, but. We’re going to find him, he’s going to be okay,” I reason, taking his cheeks into my hands to try to get him to look at me.

“How do you know that, Y/N? What if we can’t get to him, and he’s already too far gone? What if he– what if he never comes back?” I never thought I would see him cry, I never thought I would have to be the one comforting him when he did… But here I find myself…

“You wanna know how I know that, Jake? Blind faith.”

“What–what do you mean? That’s…”

My hands release his cheeks and fall to catch his still trembling hands, cold and clammy in the blowing air. “How do we ever know anything is going to work for certain, Jake? We don’t, we just have to persevere. Josh wouldn’t stop looking for you, and he’d never give up on you. None of you would give up on each other. Right? All these years, all you’ve done is trusted each other, because it’s all that you had. You seized every opportunity, together. And look where it got you. You can’t stop now. You can’t think thoughts like that now, Jake. We don’t have time for them. Every single one of you is stronger than you know, and I’ll be damned if I sit here and watch you crumble because of a little fear. You’ve overcome so much, Jake, in your lives and in your careers, because of your blind faith.”

“Kill fear,” he whispers.

I watch as his pupils grow a bit, and his muscles relax. I wipe the tears that are beginning to freeze onto his face, catching in his lengthening beard and mustache. “Yeah, fuck fear,” I smile.

He nods, turning his head to press a sweet kiss onto my palm. “Okay, yeah. You’re right. We’re gonna find him, he’s gonna be alright, the son of a bitch.” I smile as he picks himself up, gripping my hands that are still cupping his cheeks and placing more kisses onto my palms and fingers. “Thank you…”

I push myself onto him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he finally takes his first full breath in a few minutes. “Don’t thank me, Jake. You don’t know how many times you and your brothers have comforted me when I thought there was nothing else left for me in this world. You and your music were always there.”

I hear him laugh, his chest shaking a little against mine as I realized the words I’d just said. “I didn’t mean to say that, it just came out,” I laugh along with him as he pulls away a little, holding my elbows in his hands.

“Hell, maybe he dreamed about you and me too, then,” he mutters, sending my heart straight into glittering explosions. What did I do to deserve spending this time with him? The person that pulled me from the depths so many times… and now we’ve found ourselves here…

“Maybe he did…” I reply shyly, feeling his thumbs grazing across my arms.

“Hey, love birds! Come on, we’ve got bags to pack!” We hear Sam yelling from the upstairs balcony of the house, and if it weren’t for the immediate action we jumped into, I would have had time to process the fact that Sam just used the word love.

JAKE

Only all that is necessary…

You always think about what you would grab and take with you if your house was burning down, but when it actually came down to it, you always knew you’d be able to gather resources again. Meals from a neighbor, supplies from the store, fuel from a gas station…

But when it comes down, truly, to only what is necessary… I think I’ve drawn a blank.

The empty backpack sits open in my hands as I kneel in the closet of the stranger’s house, my eyes scanning over the clothing that once kept this person warm. Sweaters that his wife had gifted him, socks with holes he had worn in, boots still covered in mud and debris from the hike he didn’t know was going to be his last...

I swallow hard as my eyes scan even further into the bottom of the closet, shelves full of old memorabilia, high-school basketball trophies, photo albums, old vinyl records… these were part of someone’s life. And I am taking it, because I need to survive.

“I can’t do this…” I mutter, shaking my head of the sudden overwhelming feeling of impeding into someone’s personal space, though their earthly body is long gone from this home.

“You have to,” I hear from the doorway, looking up to see Robbie looking back at me. “Promise you, this guy wouldn’t care.”

I huff through my nose. “How would you know, did you know him?”

“No, but I feel like if he knew that it’s the actual end of the earth, the seasons are blending, your family was kidnapped by inhabitants of another world, and you’re running around with mythical creatures while you’re being hunted and used for your mind, I’m pretty positive he wouldn’t care if you stole a pair of socks or two,” Robbie says sarcastically as he gnaws on a long piece of red candy. “Twizzler?”

I laugh again, opening the drawer that houses the underwear and socks. “Yeah, actually, thanks. They aren’t stale?”

“Fuck yeah, they are. But it don’t bother me. Just keeps my hands and mouth busy, ya know?”

I stuff two pairs of woolen socks into a zippered part of the bag before removing my boots and slipping a fresh pair on. “You used to smoke, didn’t you?” I ask.

“How’d you know?”

“Just a guess,” I reply, reaching far back into the closet to grab a pair of the man’s old hiking boots, happy with finding we were almost the exact same size. “I would have gotten you a pack or five if I’d have known… Right before you found us, we were in an old convenience store chock full of them. That’s where Y/N and I found Sam and Danny.”

Robbie grunts a laugh as he pulls another rogue Twizzler from his pocket, handing it off to me. “Sounds like we might have to make a pitstop.”

It does sound intriguing… A cigarette would be fucking glorious, right about now. “Might could make that happen…”

“So Y/N… you didn’t know her before?” he asks, piquing my interest.

I shake my head. “No, just in the pods. She used to listen to us a lot, like you and Josiah did, so I guess she knew me, kinda… Why?”

I see him shrug from the corner of my eye. “Just wonderin’. Ya’ll seem pretty close.”

I shrug back, pulling a hoodie off a metal hanger. “Guess you could say that.” I pop the Twizzler into my mouth and bite off the end, zipping the overfull bag closed and tossing it over my shoulder. “Kinda feel like she’s mine to protect.”

He tosses me the last candy in his pocket as I stand and face him, watching his jaw work as he chews. “Raid the bathroom, too,” he suggests. “Soap would be nice.”

—-

“Got everything you need?” I ask Y/N as everyone gathers out back again. We’re all in a slow-motion hurry, now, as the morning is slowly drifting into noon.

“Uh, yeah, think so,” she says, zipping the oversized pullover she’d found up around her chin, and pulling a toboggan down over her ears. “It’s so hard to think about it being so hot at night, and there’s ice blowing through the air, now…”

“I know, everything is so backwards,” I agree, leaning down to re-tie my boots.

As I stand back up, she pulls me to the side, causing me to stumble a little bit into her. “Come here…” she whispers, her hand gripped hard in my jacket.

“Yeah, whoa, yeah?” I laugh as she catches my fall and takes me in her embrace.

“I found something else, while I was searching the house,” she whispers, her eyes trained on my face.

“Oh?” I ask. “What’d you find?”

She reaches into her pocket, pulling out a brand new razor and a tiny bottle of travel shaving cream. My face falls and I feel my lips flatten into a sarcastic look. “What, you got a problem with this more rugged side of me, or somethin’?” I rake my fingernails through my beard, scratching hard at it.

She glances around and sees that everyone else is taken up by their own tasks before she wraps her hands in my jacket, pulling me forward into her and around the corner of the house. We stumble back underneath the second-floor porch, hiding in the shadows and away from the wind a bit. She grips me again, pulling me into her as she speaks.

“No. I love it. Really suits you,” she murmurs, her eyes traveling quickly from my eyes to my mouth. I watch as her breath turns to steam as she exhales, heavy and hot even in the blistering cold. It’s strange to say, but I almost feel like she beckons me without even saying a word.

And fuck, she is so…

“Know what else I love about it? You feel more mature to me like this, I’ve always been one to prefer facial hair.”

“So I’m guessing you hated it when I used to shave my mustache off for shows, then?” I implore with a teasing tone, leaning in and letting my nose drift over hers playfully. “I couldn’t even grow a beard until I turned 31…”

“Yeah, used to get real fuckin’ mad about it,” she smiles, lurching her hips into mine. “We all used to place bets on if you’d show up with or without one. I lost most of the time, because you always shaved the damned thing off. But I guess it’s also cool that I’m the only one who’s ever seen you like this…”

I growl a laugh, gritting my teeth and feeling the need to be near her again. I feel flushed, even in the cold blowing air, but being near her makes me forget about every bad thing that’s surrounding us. I let my cold hands snake up under her coat, searching like hell to find her bare skin. Finally I find her stomach, attaching my cold palms to it and her hips. “Yeah, actually, I guess you’re right. Just you…”

“Fuck…” she breathes, her body shivering from my touch. “Just me?”

“Just you…” I repeat, taking her bottom lip between my teeth. God, she makes me want to lay her the fuck down, right here in this freezing cold grass. My mind begins spinning with want again as I feel her body weight pressing itself into me, my hands beginning to freely do what they please underneath her layers of shirts, just as they had last night. “What’s the razor for, then? If you like it so well?”

Her hand comes up and grips the base of my neck, squeezing hard as I allow my hands to finally grip at her tits. She lets out a pitiful sound as her head falls back a little, spurring me on to keep exploring. I can feel her nipples hardening in my fingers, and I’m fighting with everything in me to stop myself from getting too excited, but the more her chest heaves, the harder it gets to concentrate. Her lips are ghosting across mine, and I feel her warm breath landing on my tongue. I need to taste her again.

“Just giving you the option to shave, if you wanted to,” she breathes, her eyes fluttering open and closed. “If not, you can pass it off to Danny.”

Her hand comes around and grips at my jaw, forcing me to thrust my hips into her again. I feel warm all over, almost as if the wind isn’t cutting us in two. There’s no way she can’t tell I’m impossibly hard now, and if the circumstances were different…

“If you like it, I love it,” I breathe into her as our bodies begin lurching and craning onto each other, my hands still massaging at her breasts. God, what I’d give to see her…

“Kiss me, Jake,” she mumbles into my mouth, our lips already almost touching, anyway. My mouth finally overtakes hers, my tongue unable to fight any longer as it begins exploring without any warning. She reacts the same way, pressing her chest more harshly into my hands, practically begging me to feel her even more. We stay this way for a minute or so, just like we did by the koi pond, our bodies pressing and moving as I forcefully back her up against the cold block wall of the house.

She pushes me away a little, but catches her fingertips in the waistband of my pants, giving her a split second’s access to slip her hand inside. God fucking damnit.

I take it as it comes as I feel her frozen hand work its way into my boxers, wasting no time in taking me fully in her hand. “Jesus Christ, baby…” I all but moan as I feel my head tilt back on its own. I reach for the wall behind her to steady myself as she squeezes me, her palm soft and gentle but using a little bit of force to show me what she wants. I come in close again, kissing her like my life fully depends on it. “Mmhmm…” I moan against her, my lips vibrating onto hers.

“Call me baby again,” she whispers when we disconnect for a second to breathe.

“Baby, baby, baby…” I say quietly, rolling my hips into her hand. “I’ll call you anything you fuckin’ want…”

She whimpers quietly into my mouth again as she pulls at my hair, knotted and ratty at the base of my neck. I’m reminded again of the thought of what she actually sees in me right now, dirty and gritted and unclean, but then again, she probably thinks of herself all the same. Her hair is tangled, her features are tired and a little sunburnt, yet I see her as the most beautiful thing I’ve encountered in ages. All of the things that society deemed as making a person desirable have flown out the window. Because truly, none of it fucking matters.

Her hand grips around me again as my fingernails dig into the cinderblock, pulsing and throbbing as she takes her time with her show of intimacy. The essence of her is satiating all my senses… her taste, her scent, her touch…

Then it hits me- this is the rawest I’ve ever felt in my life.

Attraction comes in all shapes and sizes, and when you stumble upon it, it can either knock you down or confuse you even further. I’ve always been positive in what I want; I know exactly what attracts me and keeps my attention. And I’ve prided myself on that. Coming of age also determines and filters out what you do and do not want in life, and in a lover. And I know that my vision is blurred right now with this overwhelming need to fornicate, but shit, if she isn’t turning all of my past ideals about myself and what I want on their fucking tops.

She’s different… she’s headstrong and brave, smarter than I could ever even think about being. She’s bold, and she’s unashamed. She acts as though she comes from a time that she didn’t have any business being in. She’s fucking beautiful, taking my breath away with every stolen glance. Yet she’s reserved in all the ways that I am… thinking before she speaks, studying people before she trusts them. I can tell all of this about her, and I’ve committed it all to memory, and I’ve only known her for less than a few weeks.

Raw, unbridled and desperate, the wind biting at our cheeks as the wetness of our kiss coats our lips and faces, her hand gripping over me still, without any shyness about her aura, at all. Her preference of privacy stunning me as she shows me that she wants me just as badly as I want her. Not because of who she knew me as for the majority of our lives, but who she sees me as right now, untamed and ravenous for one another. And I am fucking enamored.

My hand leaves her breast and travels to grip her ass, covered in layers of pants and coveralls, but I don’t care. I hike her leg up across my hip, letting our bodies become closer as the cold wind whips through the bright green trees. I glance around every few seconds so that I’m positive we’re still alone, though at this point my mind is so fogged with desire that I truly couldn’t care less if we were caught. Her body is warm and inviting, and I let my fingers grip into the muscle between her ass and thigh, squeezing and kneading the skin there as her body rolls into mine again.

“Would it be too forward of me to say that I fucking want you?” I blurt out with a forced whisper, my mouth overtaking my mind for just a second.

She laughs a little as we separate, her pupils blown as she shakes her head quickly from side to side. “No. It wouldn’t be too forward at all,” she says, squeezing me harder than she has, yet. “I’m the one with my hand on your cock, stupid.”

Fuck fuck fuck. Shit, get it together. My body shudders as I let out a quiet grunt of aggravation, completely blown with desire as my fist pounds into the wall that’s holding us up.

I swear if we weren’t fucking leaving in two goddamned minutes…

“I swear to god, baby, I do…” I growl again, making her grip on me move at a quicker pace.

Just then we’re surprised by loud conversation near the fire pit, a rustle of everyone gathering up again breaking us from our intertwinement. She removes her hand from my pants and I adjust myself, rolling my eyes at our interruption as my teeth grit with annoyance. We both look at one another with the tiniest bit of shame on our faces, pink and wet with the after-effects of the session. I nod to the side as I silently tell her we’d better go.

“Wait, Jake,” she whispers, pulling me back by the hand a little. “That’s not what I really wanted to give you.” Her closed fist stuffs into my jacket pocket and drops something inside it, and I watch her coyly turn and walk away with the sweetest smirk on her lips.

Puzzled, I reach into the pocket and feel the familiar feeling of a small plastic package in my hand. A condom. I can’t help the cheesy smile that crosses my face even if I wanted to. I pull it out to inspect it, looking first and foremost for an expiration date.

I glance back at her, purely entertained by her bold action. “2034,” she answers the question I didn’t even have to ask. “Actually found a whole box. We’ve got all kinds of time.” She shoots me a wink as she tops back into the gravel pit, going to join the others without me so as not to raise too much suspicion.

Truly, if she thinks we’re waiting that long, she can go ahead and keep lying to herself. She has no idea what she’s doing to me, and it’s only worsening as the hours tick. For a mere five minutes, my carnal needs completely overshadowed the fact that we’re about to go on a mission that could cost us our lives, and the fact that my brother is currently being fucking brainwashed by entities that belong to another realm completely. I punish myself, but only for a second, as I know for a fact he would go on some big tirade about how humans need sex to thrive and survive in life. He wouldn’t fault me for it at all. In fact, he’d probably celebrate it with me.

—

“Everyone gather, here is what we’re going to do,” Odin presents himself with a commanding tone, looking each of us in the eye as he speaks. We all take our places near the extinguished fire pit, backpacks and supplies in hand as we all listen intently. I try my best to calm my nerves and take in every detail of his directions, knowing that things could change at the drop of a hat.

“Josiah and Robbie have reason to believe that your families have been taken to another set of pods just south of here, where no sinkholes have been reported as of yet. These pods are a bit smaller, locked down just as the ones you were in, but if they are going to be anywhere nearby, we assume that it is there,” he explains. “We will travel as a unit, sleep in shifts, and take cover as much as possible under the hindrance of the treelines. The brothers will scout, but we’ve decided it best to arm you, as well.”

Shit. I’ve fired a gun maybe twice, three times in my life? But when it comes to life or death…

The brothers bring us firearms that they’d found inside the home, passing them off to Danny and I. I throw it across my back and hope to the heavens above that muscle memory would kick in, had I need to actually use it.

“I don’t believe that you will actually need these, as I will be with you always and our most dangerous threat are the hooded guards, of whom I can put to sleep with an arrow,” Odin goes on. “And I’m sorry, we can’t risk the sound of gunshot giving away our location. The smoke from this fire was already too much.”

We all bid a silent goodbye to the house that gave us the shelter we needed, and took off on foot from the coverage of the yard and nearby woodline, watching and waiting for the next threat to come our way.

Y/N

Was I too forward? Did I say too much? Did I move too fast… was the condom overkill?

A million and a half questions are rolling through my mind as we all traverse the heavy trails, making our way south to the other set of pods. We know it will be about a day’s travel, but luckily, with the guidance of Odin and the newfound spirit Sparrow had instilled in each of us, we know the journey will be fruitful. Treacherous, and probably a bit dramatic, but fruitful. Now that we have a better idea of where our families are, and likely Paps, I have a bit more pep in my step to get to him. And to Josh.

Of course it wasn’t overkill, he reacted exactly how I expected him to. He even said he wanted me. Hello? Me?? I don’t even know what is happening between Jake and I, it’s difficult to even fathom. Just months ago he was an image on my phone screen or a video on my stupid tikok feed, but now. Now…

I find myself wanting to text my friends again. Say, ‘You are never going to fucking believe this. Like, you’re really not…’, and they really wouldn’t. It’d be too good to be true. It’d take convincing, it’d take proof, it’d take receipts. I can hear them all squealing through voice memos, sending long strings of mismatched letters that don’t form words, immediate facetimes so they could watch me explain myself to their faces. Listen to every detail that we had all envisioned at one point or another in our lives.

But it’d never happen. I don’t even know if they’re all alive.

“Watcha thinkin’ about?” I hear Sam’s voice suddenly startle me from watching my feet walk across the ground.

“Oh, ah, nothing. Just…my friends,” I say to him, giving him a sullen smile as I pull my jacket closer around me. “I was thinking about what they’d say if I could tell them that I ended up meeting up with you guys. If they’d believe me.”

“Hm,” he laughs. “You think they would?”

“It’d take some convincing, but, I think they’d know I wouldn’t make something like that up,” I grin, pulling a few pieces of tree limbs away from my path.

“Crazy that we all ended up here,” he says. “Crazy how we all found each other.”

“I know,” I breathe, glancing to Jake ten or so steps ahead of me. “I never even thought I’d even get to have a conversation with any of you, let alone–”

“Sneak off with one under a porch?” he cuts me off.

I– oh fuck.

“Sam, what– what are you talking about,” I stutter, my face falling into a deep dark shade of red. Oh my god, if he saw us…

He lets out his classic guttural ha-ha laugh as a particularly harsh wind rips through us. His loud laugh causes Jake and Danny to whip around and look at us, and I shoot them and Sam a deathly glare. But I know that Jake probably notices the worry on my face.

“I’m not gonna rat you out, don’t worry,” he goes on. “I didn’t see anything… just… watched you sneak off. That’s all. The rest wasn’t my business.”

“The rest?” I squeak, trying to stay quiet. “Sam!”

He’s gritting his teeth together in a huge, shit-eating smile, hissing annoying little laughs as he pulls sticks free from our way. I feel like I could trip him and watch him eat dirt right now, the little twit. Jake keeps turning around and glancing at us; he knows his brother is digging himself a cute little hole to jump into if he isn’t careful.

“What the fuck do you think happened?” I press, kind of wanting to hear what he has to say.

“Hey, I said it’s none of my business,” he goes on, puffing his cheeks up with air as he avoids laughing again. “My brother’s love life isn’t any concern of mine.”

Will you please quit using that word, Samuel…

“God, can you just, not? Please?” I bark in a quiet tone, completely enjoying this back and forth with him. “I already feel weird enough…”

“Why?” he asks way too quickly.

“Because,” I bite. I toss my hands up, trying to get him to understand. “I was, ya know… A fan, and stuff, and now it’s like..”

“Oh whatever,” he interrupts me. “Hey Y/N, the goddamn world is ending and all our loved ones got killed by a flesh-eating rash. Yours did, ours did. There’s no such thing as levels of hierarchy anymore, if that’s the way you’re looking at it. We’re just fucking humans, ya know? We’re all just out here trying to survive this shit. Please don’t think like that…” he says a little confrontationally. “We could run into freaking Taylor Swift right now, and she’d still be trudging along in this damned frozen jungle just as we are.”

I giggle at his comparison, as corny as it is, feeling just a little more at ease. “You’re right, you’re right. Just. Strange, I guess.”

He shrugs. “It is strange, Y/N. Nothing about anything that has happened in the past year is anything close to normal. But… maybe you were meant to run into him in the pods. Maybe it was meant to be this way, who knows?”

I nod, glancing again up to Odin and Sparrow on the horse to make sure they haven’t noticed any threats.

“You guys are cute together, too,” he adds.

I roll my eyes. “Ugh, Sam, don’t make me gag. I will shove you down onto this thorn bush.”

“I’m serious,” he laughs. “I don’t mean to poke fun at you. I’m just saying, maybe this is a really, really good thing, Y/N. He seems… I dunno. Excited. Even while worrying about Josh. It’s like you come around and he’s instantly relaxed. I think you have more of an effect on him than you realize.”

“HOLD!” Odin suddenly says from the front of the group, holding his fist high in the air as everyone freezes where we stand. My heart begins pattering as he slowly hops down from his horse, leading Sparrow to do the same. I watch as he pulls his bow from his back and loads it, Sparrow doing the same as she pulls her sword from it’s sheath at her side.

“Fuck, what’s happening, what’s going on?” I whisper to Sam as he instantly grabs onto my shoulder, quietly leading us nearer to the front with Danny and Jake.

The brothers bring up the rear and have their weapons drawn and ready. I don’t hear anything, and I don’t see anything, but I do feel Jake’s hand land forcefully on my hip as we gather in a protective circle.

“Do not fire your weapon unless we say so, got it?” Robbie says to Jake and Danny as he passes, and I feel my heart drop. They both nod in understanding. The brothers exchange a few hand signals as they quickly dash off the trail beside us, keeping eyes with Odin as they scout around.

“What did they hear?” Jake asks us, and we all shrug as our eyes stay trained on our surroundings. The wind has settled a bit, but the sun is bright and hot as it shines through the leaves of the trees. There’s bits of ice on the tall grasses beside us, and I feel myself become disoriented with the way the weather is working, again.

I feel my heart pounding in my ears as my eyes scatter around the thick woods, Jake’s hand clutching mine protectively, now. I hear cracks in the trees, I hear steps that don’t sound like steps. High up, and down low. Sparrow backs up toward us, her dusty light following her as the wind floats her long hair into the air.

A fast glance from Odin tells her something I cannot read, and he quickly hops back onto his horse, kicking his leg into its side as it takes off just off the pathway. They’ve disappeared and we’re still left clueless, the brothers back from their scout and closed in, just as confused as we are.

“What was that?” I ask Sparrow quietly, my hot breath floating like smoke across the air.

“More guards, they aren’t very close, but we can sense when they’re near,” she replies. “Their tactics to find us are becoming more clever, as they are now being told that you’re missing from the pods. And that Josiah and Robbie have turned on them.”

“They can come and fuckin’ get us, if they want us,” Robbie snarls as he readjusts his weapon. “Pardon my language, Ma’am.”

I watch Sparrow smirk, giving him a look that says she is the last one he should worry about offending.

“Come, let’s continue on,” she says as she draws her sword and keeps it protectively at her side as we keep going. “Odin will alert me if anything is close.”

It feels like my feet don’t want to move without me actively telling them to, now. The fear that’s beginning to settle in my bones has grown tenfold after that scare, and without me being able to see Odin. He has become a wall of peace and protection for us in the past few days, and it feels strange not having him in my line of sight.

But still yet, Jake’s hand clutches mine, and to me, that feels more safe than anything else in our crumbling world.

We walk along for another silent twenty minutes or so, clumped together and anxious along what used to be an old worn-in path used by hikers and bikers, now very much overgrown and succumbing to the wild again. Thorns catch on my clothing, and rocks and dirt scatter as I step, but we keep along, our eyes watchful and patrolling as we head south. I wish to god Odin would reappear.

As we walk in the quiet, my mind drifts to Paps and what he might be doing right now, what they might be doing to him. Watching him be ripped away from me might be one of the most aggravating and terrifying things I’ve ever had to witness, and even though I know he is the strongest man I know, deep down I know that he hides his fears.

If they really have taken him as a pawn for their testing, will he still have his memory? Will he remember me at all?

I feel a shudder as the frigid air envelops me and bites at the tip of my nose, making me feel like I’m frozen to the core. This cold feels different, especially with the sun shining so brightly. It doesn’t feel like it used to, it almost seems as though the debilitating feeling of fear is sewn into it, nefariously making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My body doesn’t shake with the chill anymore, but it shakes with the unending fear of not knowing what the next second of my life will hold. What the earth will be doing. If we will be alive tomorrow or not. And the most terrifying thought of it all, is that there is nothing we can do to change it.

The wicked shiver chills me down to my soul…only time will tell.

I miss Paps so badly, and I want nothing more than to get to him. The possibility of their family being in the same pod as Paps is likely, which makes me feel a little bit better, but what are we going to do when we get there? Ambush the place? Sneak in a back door while we try not to get caught?

Surely Odin and Sparrow have thought it through, and I’m sure that the brothers have some sort of plan as to how to infiltrate the building. Or maybe, we’re just flying along with no plan at all. Because truly, none of us know the reality of what we're walking into.

Sam and Danny trail behind me, steadfast and courageous, truly grown into the men that I always envisioned they might have. I know they are just as worried as Jake is of what state of mind we will find Josh in, but I think they are holding it together for him. They don’t want to speak- yet- and bring such a horrific reality to life. If Josh is too far gone, and his mind is not his own anymore, will we have to leave him behind for the safety of ourselves?

I can’t even fathom that thought, right now. There is no way that will be our new reality. Starting a new life without Josh is just…

The sun has begun to slip behind the trees, and I know that the heat will return soon and we will all be sweating in the night air instead of freezing. I’m ready to feel a little relief from this new shiver that’s taken up shop in the deepest tissues of my body. In the back of my mind, I hope that Sparrow’s ability to make us all feel more at ease doesn’t take away from her energy source; she doesn’t know how badly we all need her.

Just as my mind feels as though it’s completely shoved full of too many unanswered thoughts, heavy cloud coverage moves in over the sun and begins casting strange shadows across the thick woods around us, and suddenly, my wicked shiver turns from a physical feeling into a subconscious gut suspicion of uneasiness.

The wind hasn’t blown in minutes, now.

I slow my steps, glancing around through the trees as darkness begins to shower us, faster and faster. Odin isn’t back yet, and the air feels as if it is standing still and creeping in around us. Something isn’t right.

Suddenly I get the urge to pause and listen, stopping myself in my tracks as Sam bumps into me from behind. “Whoa, what’s–”

“Shh,” I hold my hand up to him, watching as Jake has noticed I’ve stopped, too.

“You’re right, child, something feels wrong,” Sparrow says quietly from in front of Jake. Her hand grips her sword more tightly as she cranes her neck all over, looking up and around and through the woods. My chest tightens as I feel as though I’m preparing myself for something, something that has intention to hurt me. Hurt all of us. The feeling that I had when Paps and I had driven the truck into town and were stopped by those creatures has come back full force. Like a dark black cloud is hanging over me, and there is no way I am ever going to wash the feeling of dread from my psyche.

Within seconds, the sunlight is almost completely gone. Jake’s hand takes mine again as we all press together in a terrified huddle, the brothers at the edges with their weapons drawn. “What is this? What’s happening?” Jake relents. I feel myself beginning to panic, my head darting side to side erratically as I begin to hear unfamiliar sounds coming from the forest. Not birds, not animals… there is no wind to rustle the trees, and there is no way of seeing what is now surely closing in on us. But I can feel it.

“Stay close, everyone, it seems as though we’re surrounded…” Sparrow says a little more loudly now. Her voice is panicked for the first time since we’ve met her. “Odin, Odin, where are you?” she says to herself, drawing her weapon higher.

It’s dark, now. Pitch black. The world feels more hollow than it ever has. My skin feels like it could fall from my body as my depraved mindset becomes more and more dreadful. I know that whatever is surrounding us in the shadows is draining every ounce of happiness from my body, and try as I might, I can’t form one positive or uplifting thought.

“Don’t let it consume you, my loves, don’t let it…” I hear Sparrow's voice as a loud hum begins to eat away at my ear drums, deafening me to almost totality. I grip onto Jake’s hand as we all crowd in together, writhing under the feeling of being so suddenly enclosed and debilitated. I can’t even see what’s around us. Not even Sparrow’s overwhelming power of comfort can match whatever it is they are putting onto us.

“We should run!” I hear Danny suggest, the drone of the hum making him sound like he is a million miles away. “Let’s go!!”

I feel him pull away from us as I begin to become disoriented, weakening as the seconds tick. “Jake.. I–” I can hardly form any words as I feel like all my energy is depleting. His hand is still latched tightly onto mine, and I begin to see spurts of light through the darkness of my vision, blurry and bright as my eyelids get heavy.

“Y/N, no!” I hear his voice in my ear, the sweetest sound I have ever heard. “We’ve got to run, we’ve got to go!” Suddenly I feel as though every emotion has been ripped away from my body.

Where is my gumption? Nothing matters, we’re all going to die, anyway.

“Sweet Y/N, run!” Sparrow urges me, too, as I feel Jake begin to pull me along just as I had pulled him through the building as it crumbled into the sinkhole around us back at the pod.

I can’t move, just leave me here.

I feel my knees hit the dirt at the same time that I feel many sets of unwelcome hands all over me, burning through my thick coats and jackets as they touch me. The hum grows louder and louder, and my blood grows thicker and thicker. Just leave me…

I’m being pulled two ways- one way with the burning hands and one way toward the man whom I have come to adore so intensely, but I could somehow care less who ends up with me. I don’t even mind one way or the other. My endurance is gone.

Jake squeezes my hands in the darkness, pulling me with everything in him as I feel Sam and Danny join him in his attempts. “Don’t let go of me, Y/N! Do you hear me!” he screams, his voice so worried and terrified. Why are you so scared, Jake? Why do you care about me? “Don’t let her go, Danny! Don’t let her slip!”

“She’s ours, now, you all belong to us…” I hear the crippling voice of the hooded guard say from behind me. I recognize the sing-song voice from their first attempts at taking us, like sirens luring us into the deepest depths of the night. “There’s nothing you can do, your world is a star defying time… you must come with us…”

Everything is blurry, nothing has shape. The burning hands are gripping at all points of my body, now, as I feel like I’m being ripped in two. I hear Sparrow’s shrieks in the distance, and I feel Jake’s grip on my hands begin to weaken.

“Sam, Sam, get up! Let’s go! I– I can’t hold you both–”

His hands feel like my only anchors to the earth, sure and grounding, but I can’t find the strength to even try and hold on to them. He’s slipping from me, and it’s then that I realize he’s being pulled by them, too.

We’re being taken. And there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

“Y/N, baby, please!” I hear his honeyed voice again, still so perfect even when he’s terrified. Don’t be so scared, Jake… you shouldn’t even be worried about me. I mean nothing to you.

“Let GO of me!!” he yells, but it’s no use. He’s ten paces away from me now as I realize that our hands have finally separated, and the burning hands are still holding me. His screaming voice is nothing but a howl in the distance. “Y/N!!!”

My body feels limp and lifeless as the burning hands hold me upright, pulling my body across bushes and grasses and limbs, my legs and feet falling behind me. But I don’t even care. Why don’t I care? Death is probably soon, anyway. Nothing matters.

The eyes of the creatures taking me are burning a bright red, the drone of the hum still prevalent in my ears.

Again I hear his voice calling out for me across the hillside, bouncing off the treetrunks and cutting through the warming air as the sound of it warms my soul and kills it at the same time. I want him, I need him… he’s the only thing that’s kept my head above water… But our magnets have somehow lost their polarity. I dig down deep and plead with myself, and whoever in the heavens above will listen to forsake me this one time, and bring me out on the other side of this. I have to help them, I have to find Paps…

Jake…Please… Don’t let them keep me…

Tags: @gretavangroupie @britney-gvf @sacredstarcatcher @wetkleenex-gvf @farfromthehomelands @takenbythemadness @writingcold @builtbybrokenbells @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @fleet-of-fiction @milkgemini @gvfpal @ageofcj@dancingcarbon @highway-tuna @stardustjake @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @gvfmarge @gracev0609 @myleftsock @literal-dead-leaf @peaceloveunitygvf @ageofbajabule @slut4lando @jordie-gvf @sadiechar @tinydancer40 @rosabellagvf @capnjaket @lyndz2names @thetroublegetssoloud71 @gretavanomens @spark-my-nature @josh-iamyour-mama @anythingforjtk @alwaysonthemend @danieljlmwagner @klarxtr @fortunatelytinybasement @demonrat444 @gretavansara @watchingover-hypegirl @hippievanfleet @digitalnomadz @raviolilegs @lipstickitty @hippievanfleet @klarxtr @strange-whorizons @do-it-jakey-baby @myownparadise96 @gvf-luna @starshine-wagner @cassiesgreta @joopsandjangs @whimsiliz @kiszkas-canvas @whimsiliz @joopsandjangs @broken0mens @scoreofinfantryvines @whereiskeara @do-it-jakey-baby @miravanfleet @heckingfrick@kiszka-canvas @whimsiliz @joopsandjangs @broken0mens @scoreofinfantryvines @whereiskeara @do-it-jakey-baby @miravanfleet @heckingfrick @jenniferkiszka @jjwasneverhere @gvfmarge @pineapple-photographer @vanfleeter @gretnavannfleet @pineapple-photographer @joshylanefleet @becinabubblegvf @ageofmach1ne

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sunniedesi · 3 months ago

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In Defense of Future Diary...

TW: lots of yapping.

Making a small essay for Future Diary is something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. Since my entire blog is dedicated to the series, it only feels right to put something like this out into the ether. However, I’m never sure of the topics that I want to discuss the most. Do I write a defense for the show? My reasons for loving it so much? Its relevance and importance for anime culture? An analysis of Yuno’s character? There’s so much I feel you could say, but I never find the right words to express my feelings coherently. Today, I’ll make the attempt, though. I’ll go over all of the aforementioned questions here, mostly focusing on my personal opinions and feelings regarding the show. I don’t have much experience writing essays or analyses of media, so sorry in advance if my yapping is all over the place.

To begin, I should probably address the elephant in the room: Future Diary, despite its popularity and almost cult-classic status, has turned into a show people love to hate. You see it everywhere, when it comes to reviews, comments, opinion pieces, you name it, if it has Future Diary on the title, people will let you know all the gripes they have with the show. And while I tend to feel defensive or even saddened when I see so much hatred directed at my favorite show… I don’t necessarily blame anyone for feeling that way. I don’t want to be one of those people who pretends to hold the intellectual high-ground, acting as if everyone else is media-illiterate and I’m the one who truly gets the meaning of the series. At the end of the day, it’s just an anime, it’s not that deep. Everyone’s gonna like what they like; we all have different tastes and interests, so it’s only natural we all hold such different opinions about the show, especially given its campy, gory and almost edgy nature. Future Diary is definitely a product of early 2000’s trends, which some people (me lol) appreciate, and others certainly don’t.

That being said, while I respect people disliking the show for personal reasons, there are certain criticisms I see thrown its way that are not necessarily warranted. These issues can be boiled down to the following categories: “plot-holes,” a weak protagonist and toxic pairings. I’ll delve into all of these in a second, but I must say, the amount of times I’ve seen these specific points parroted over and over again makes me believe that many of the people making these arguments are piggybacking off of one another. It’s almost like they’re following a trend, repeating how the protagonist “sucks ass” and that the plot makes zero sense, without showing any examples as to how.

It’s really common to find shallow arguments like those in comments sections and forums, but since I don’t want to feel like I’m barking up a tree in writing this essay, I decided to look for a source that encapsulated all of the common criticisms, while also backing them up with examples. Now, there are many good video essays out there on Future Diary, my personal favorite is by The Hot Box. But as far as critical pieces go, the one I found that goes the most in-depth is by the creator NezumiVA, titled: Mirai Nikki is Garbage, and Here’s Why. I’ll be referencing the video as I go along, but please note that while I disagree with many of this creator’s arguments, I don’t intend this to be a personal attack. As I said earlier, we’re all entitled to our different tastes and opinions, I can respect them disliking the series while having my own criticisms to give regarding the video. Just a little disclaimer so my intentions aren’t misconstrued here.

With that out of the way, let’s take a deeper look into the main three arguments I mentioned before:

“The plot-holes eat up the show”

If you’ve been in the fandom for a while, you know that this is probably one of the most common criticisms levied towards Future Diary, and perhaps the one that holds the most weight. Or at least it would be, if it weren’t for the fact that “plot-holes” aren’t exactly the issue people are pointing at here. To explain, I believe people who dish out this claim all have different understandings of the definition of “plot-hole,” so to clarify: a plot-hole is an inconsistency, a contradiction in the narrative. For example, Yuno’s diary is all about Yukki, if she were to have diary entries not about him, that could be considered a plot-hole, as it contradicts the original narrative. A smaller detail being unexplained or overlooked for the sake of pacing is not a plot-hole. A flaw, yes, but as long as it doesn’t contradict what’s already been established in the story, it’s not a plot-hole.

On one hand, it is true that there are certain Deus Ex Machina moments that aren’t properly explained in the show (heck, the god of this universe is called that for a reason), such as: how does 5th acquire all of his booby traps? Or where did 9th pull that motorcycle from? Why are characters so quick to forgive/forget certain events? These are smaller details that aren’t properly justified on-screen for the sake of pacing and making the show more interesting. You could possibly count this more as a case of poor characterization, particularly with 5th’s character having a lot of knowledge despite his age or Hinata quickly accepting the coin toss challenge despite having an advantage. Given the show only has 26 episodes, it’s only natural that detailed explanations for smaller details are omitted to make the show flow quicker and be more entertaining. While this may bother some people, I don’t find it to be such a big deal, or at least not a reason to dogpile on the show, when many other animes with shorter runtime fall victim to poor characterization as well.

Many deem the plot nonsensical for missing these smaller explanations, but again, I find that exaggerated as they’re much, much trivial details that the majority of people don’t think of or focus on when watching the show. The video I referenced touches on the plot being illogical several times, not necessarily mentioning plot-holes per se, but complaining that many of the justifications behind certain plot points are unrealistic or contrived, though let’s be real here… since when is anime realistic? Future Diary, I would argue, does a good job of balancing very unrealistic scenarios with some realistic characters (like Yukki, but we’ll get into that later), which is what makes it interesting to watch. After all, what’s the fun in watching a fantasy show if it’s completely grounded in reality? Not to mention that many of the points brought up in the video aren’t contrived, especially if you were paying attention to the show. For example, the scene of Yuno meditating to figure out Reisuke’s plan. This wasn’t a Deus Ex Machina moment, it was foreshadowing of the fact she has her first-world memories locked away, and the meditation was her trying to access those memories. Same thing with Bacchus having an overpowered diary, it isn’t for the sake of it, he literally designed it to be that way, because he was the one who presented the idea of the diaries to Deus in the first place.

I’m getting a little side-tracked here, but you get the point. Ultimately, the worst sin a show can commit is being boring, and while Future Diary has its flaws in pacing and characterization, it contributes in keeping the viewers hooked to the action, packing its small run of 26 episodes with quite a bit of entertainment. Moreover, a lot of people overreact to these so-called “plot-holes”, yet they also fail to pay attention as to why things happen as they do in the show. Many of these criticisms can be summed up as either: trivial details that are omitted since they have little relevance to the plot and/or people not paying attention to what’s going on.

Moving on, let’s tackle another very, very popular argument:

“Yukiteru is a total pushover (to put it nicely).”

This is, without a doubt, the most common criticism I’ve seen people have of the show. I’m not sure if this is because people are used to the upbeat, overpowered protagonist trope in anime, but people don’t realize that Yukki being frustrating, awkward and terrified is an important part of the show’s storytelling, not to mention relatively unique. Very rarely do we see a realistic portrayal of a teenage protagonist in anime, and it is important for the show since it serves as a contrast to the other characters, all dark, callous and obsessed with the goal of becoming a God. Yukki is the only character not interested in any of this at the beginning. All he wanted was to escape reality with his phone and imaginary friends, and he's now thrusted into this terrible and hopeless situation. How exactly is a young boy expected to react under these circumstances?

Teenagers are naive, dumb, selfish, all characteristics portrayed in Yukiteru, and these characteristics are put under scrutiny by every one of the diary owners, constantly telling him to grow a pair and stop using Yuno. This is easier said than done when you’re used to avoiding every little bit of responsibility in your life, and a girl who’s self-reportedly “crazy good at killing people” suddenly thrusts into your life ready to do all the work for you. Yukki is indeed a very flawed character, but that isn’t an accident, it is an intentional addition. It’s what makes him interesting; it pushes conflict into the show, and most importantly, drives home one of the main lessons of the show with Yukki’s development: fear doesn’t mean you’re not brave, it’s having that fear and pushing forward that makes you brave. A little corny, I know, but a valuable lesson for the Survival Game.

Every character has an incentive for becoming God, and they’re utterly consumed by it to the point of insanity. Even a character like 4th, who was originally concerned with the goal of bringing order and justice rather than more carnage to the game gets carried away when a proper incentive for God’s seat comes into play: saving his son. In a Survival Game where we're surrounded by the most cunning and twisted of characters, killers, terrorists, people in corrupt positions of power, Yukki stands out like a sore thumb for retaining his humanity throughout it all, unwilling to get his hands dirty, rather willing to see hope in everyone else. It comes across as naive and all-too trusting. This is especially true for his father, but considering how little people he has to rely on, plus his childish hopes of seeing his family back together, his forgiveness towards him makes sense. And the same can be said for Yuno, the one constant he’s got all throughout the game. Despite the abuse and manipulation, she’s ultimately got his best interests at heart, but I’m getting ahead of myself with this point.

Eventually, the circumstances that Yukki goes through (namely his parents’ death) put that humanity, kindness and mercy, the staples of his personality, to test. It’s a testament to how desperate situations can corrupt even the most innocent of individuals. Yukiteru goes from a hopeful individual to a callous killer, no different from Yuno and equally as selfish. Similarly enough, we know thanks to her third-world-self that Yuno was originally a normal, happy girl with the hopes of finally having a loving family taking care of her. All of this, to then be tortured by the people who were supposed to bring that peaceful family life to her.

Yukki being a weakling may be frustrating to some, it is certainly brought up many times during the video essay, but it’s an important factor that drives the plot and many of Future Diary’s lessons about growth and accountability. Besides, the anime certainly wouldn’t be as interesting to watch if every character was just an OP know-it-all like Akise. Which no hate to him, but the show wouldn’t be the same if every character were like him.

And speaking of Akise, I’ll take the opportunity to mention a point in the video essay that bothered me a bit. The creator says the show is “queerbaiting” with his character, because Akise’s attraction towards Yukki is forced, but I don’t see exactly how this is queerbaiting. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t queerbaiting when a character is insinuated to be gay, yet it’s kept ambiguous enough to never address it? The show straight-up explains the reason behind Akise’s attraction to Yukki. His love is forced because it was created by Deus to further his investigation about Yukki and Yuno. Akise himself is a fabrication of Deus. It is literally explained in episode 23. You can’t bait the audience into believing a character is gay if you explicitly tell the audience the character is gay lol.

But that’s one of the smaller issues I had with the video’s criticisms. My biggest gripes were actually the following: at the beginning of the essay, this creator talks about how many of the plot points in the show are contrived and illogical, but at the same time, they dislike the characters having tragic backstories that explain how they went on to become twisted individuals. Isn’t it a little contradictory that you complain about a character acting unnatural, yet when the explanation for their behavior comes up, you completely disregard it? They go as far as to say Esuno hates women and is misogynistic for his portrayal of female psychosis, and the use of SA as a tragic backstory being distasteful. Because, according to this creator, people who have been victimized never go on to become terrible people themselves, and that this is a “problematic stereotype.”

To say that this worldview is incredibly simplistic and naive is putting it mildly. Being a victim doesn’t exempt you from the capability of hurting others, and in fact, the opposite is often true. Hurt people hurt people, that is another main theme in Future Diary, and one of the things I love about it so much. It doesn’t make its characters victims of terrible situations for the sake of pitying them, but to portray their natural descent into madness from being corrupted by a cruel and unrelenting world. Yuno, Yukki, Minene, Tsubaki, these characters all started out as normal until life turned them into the nihilistic monsters they became. They’re morally gray, an example of what you can become when your ethics and moral worldview is tested by society so many times, it ultimately turns you into a societal outcast. Which only makes it funnier that one of the questions asked in the video is “are we supposed to like these characters?” Yes and no, that’s the fun of writing morally gray characters.

I often see these takes with people who fail to understand that the portrayal of something in media ≠ endorsement. It’s the crux of people who lack media literacy, the failure to understand morally gray or just straight up evil characters as protagonists. The media itself isn’t telling you to repeat their actions, it is an exploration of how these actions manifest in the first place, a cautionary tale, if you will. I know that having evil or twisted protagonists isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but to accuse the story or the author of malicious intent would be completely missing the point of the story’s purpose. Not to mention, that it is important for stories like this to exist, to put us in the shoes of those who enact harm, to understand why they do it and keep us from becoming like them.

The show doesn’t justify any of their actions, in fact, it often shows them for what they are: twisted and morally corrupt; it is on the characters themselves to bear the burdens of these actions. A clear example of this is the confrontation that Yukki has with his friends nearing the end of episode 22. It is probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire show: Yukki being forced to face all of his demons at once, realizing just how much damage he has caused, damage that he later has to mend in his final confrontation with Yuno to finally put an end to everyone’s suffering. It is dense, crude, and it is certainly necessary for both him and Yuno.

Funnily enough, this youtuber goes on to say the following about Yuno’s background: “I really don’t care what her (back)story pans out to look like… her actions are still not excusable.” Which is true, just because someone was abused doesn’t justify them perpetuating the same abuse later. However, they then crush their own point by claiming that Yuno’s obsessions started all because of “a passing conversation.” I guess they weren’t lying when they said that they didn’t care about Yuno’s backstory… because chalking up her obsession as solely a result of that scene is completely disregarding her background. That conversation in the classroom did start Yuno’s fixation towards Yukki, but it is not the root of her obsessive tendencies. Yuno herself believes it to be, but this is an idea that is squandered by Yukki in his final confrontations with her. Moreover, if you paid attention to her backstory, you would understand it is all due to her childhood neglect. And similarly, Yukki’s attraction towards Yuno stems from this as well.

This brings me to the final criticism:

“Yuno and Yukki’s relationship is problematic, toxic and makes no sense.”

There is no denying that Yuno and Yukki start out as an incredibly toxic and troublesome pairing, using each other for their own selfish wants instead of working with each other. This is the Achilles heel in their dynamic, and it is often the cause of their troubles. Yuno acts impulsive, unstable and manipulative towards Yukki due to her insecurities and debilitating obsession, while Yukki pushes all responsibility to Yuno due to his own lack of a spine. They hurt each time and time again, yet they can’t help but be with each other. And this is because, in a twisted way, they compliment each other.

On one hand, we have a social outcast, ignored by everyone including his family, visibly alone and afraid of being hurt by others, but still seeing the best in people. Then on the other hand, we have a popular girl from a prominent family, visibly perfect, but in reality just as alone due to abuse she experiences at home, making her view people as fundamentally cruel. On the outside they’re opposites, but deep down, they’re both lonely, and terrified of said loneliness. It is only when they meet, when Yukki shows her the kindness she was missing for years and when Yuno gives him the support he had always craved, that they fulfill each other’s needs. By becoming acquainted with Yuno and the Survival Game, Yukki becomes increasingly darker, eventually maturing at the end of the show, while Yukki awakens Yuno’s empathy and pulls her back from the darkness, as we see when she falters to hurt third-world Yuno and her parents.

Their complementary personalities are even referenced by their diaries, which only work seamlessly if paired. They balance each other out perfectly, bringing out the best of each other, but only after learning to push back on their worst characteristics, which is also true for real-life relationships. In truth, just like these two, people are flawed, traumatized and generally toxic to one another. There’s no such thing as people or relationships that start out perfect from the get-go, they need to learn to grow together.

In that sense, this is what makes the ending of the show so powerful to me. Yukki isn’t set on killing Yuno or becoming God anymore. He’s finally taking responsibility, coming to terms with the awful deeds he’s done, and the fact that he can’t undo them. Instead, he wants to help Yuno come to terms with her own demons, finally giving back to her what she needs and not something for his own benefit. Similarly, Yuno realizes just how off the deep-end she’s gone when she meets her past self, acknowledging that she’s lost her original goal, and that repeating the cycle of hurt won’t fix her already broken spirit. That world isn’t for her, and so she finally ends the hurt, giving her and Yukki the peace they need.

Many people don’t like Redial because they see it as an undeserved Happy Ending for two awful individuals, but the way I like to see it is as a form of redemption. Both characters, in the end, do what they have to do to restore order in the world. Yukki pays for his sins in the void, finally a God but at the cost of mourning what could’ve been. First-World Yuno ends the suffering she’s putting herself through so her new self can thrive, almost akin to breaking free from her past traumas to finally heal. The new self regains those memories, not to sulk, but to build from them, going back with Yukki to start a new world that isn’t characterized by their original hurt. In a way, it's a story about how the most downtrodden of individuals can find solace in love, break from their past and learn to heal together. For me, it’s cathartic and fulfilling to watch.

To finish this lengthy post, I feel it’s appropriate to mention the importance of Future Diary’s characters, and more specifically, Yuno. The video describes her writing as shallow and contrived, but I’ve already addressed that in the previous paragraphs. Many people love chalking her up to “cRaZy YaNdErE gUrL™ 🤪,” but she’s so, so much more than that. Her character actually has a lot of depth if you pay attention to her story: she’s a girl, an orphan who went on to be neglected by her foster father and abused by her foster mother, resulting in complex trauma, insecurities and fear of abandonment that she tries to hide and overcompensate for in her overly aggressive tendencies. Her obsession in avoiding the loss of the only person she has becomes her demise, as she lives in a loop of torment all for the sake of not being alone again, a cycle of hurt only she has the power of breaking if she finds the strength to do it. Whether it was intentional or not, Yuno portrays a lot of the issues people with mental illness, such as BPD, struggle with.

Now, claiming that Yuno is a perfect, one-to-one representation of BPD would be reducing this disorder to a caricature, there’s obviously so much more to BPD than what you see in this portrayal. But, I feel like out of the huge list of characters that fall under the “yandere” or crazy girl trope, she’s probably one of the best written ones in anime. I know she’s often dubbed the “yandere queen,” but seriously, it’s rare to see media committing to this trope and properly characterizing it. I would go as far as to say she’s the best character I’ve seen written in this genre, only sharing that spot with another character from a certain game (but given that the mere mention of its name is enough to ensue controversy, I’ll abstain from talking about it here 🙄). A big portion of characters within this trope are quite two-dimensional, without clear motives for their obsessions, or having their issues played up for laughs (I’m looking at you, Anna Nishikinomiya). Heck, many of the characters associated with the trope aren’t actual yanderes, like is the case for Shion Sonozaki or Lucy from Elfen Lied.

Yuno’s character is rich and interesting to watch, she isn’t just some “crazy girl” for the sake of it. She’s a product of tragedy, only motivated by the hope of finally having Yukki alleviate all of her insecurities and sorrows. I’ve always found the “yandere” trope interesting since it delves into the lengths people are capable of going over an obsession, and how these form to begin with. Given how complex, sensitive and even personal this topic can be, it’s important to have characters like this be properly written, and I’m glad that Yuno set a standard for this back in her day, even if many people don’t take her character seriously.

I think it’s important to close up this post repeating the sentiment I had at the beginning. My purpose in writing this defense isn’t so much to force people into liking the show, and even opinions I disagree with like the ones in NezumiVA’s video are valid in their own right, as everyone has different perspectives in interpreting media. This is simply my take as someone who’s been a fan of the show for a really long time, since I don’t see many in-depth essays for Future Diary out there. It is a show that has stuck with me for its lessons on learning to be brave, healing from the past and selfless love. As silly as it may sound talking about an anime, it’s something that I can always look back to and smile, laugh or cry along with. Despite people’s conflicting views and endless criticisms, it will never fail to have a special place in my heart. Given how much time I’ve dedicated to this series, it’s only fair I dedicated a little bit of that time explaining my love for it too. And if you made it this far down the post, I would also like to thank you for dedicating a little bit of your time to my shower thoughts as well!

#future diary #mirai nikki #the future diary #anime #yuno gasai #yandere #sakae esuno #essay #anime essay #long post

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hestzhyen · 2 months ago

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Chapter 51 Lateposting

Greetings, dear void. It's time to delve into Samura's character this chapter!

This is some Buddhist crack cocaine. No wonder he's at the temple!

His given name is Seiichi (清市)- not very unusual in of itself. 清 (sei) means pure, clear, or clean and has tons of related implications like invigorating, peaceful, vibrant, being free from impurity, so on and so forth. 市 (ichi) means city/market could be chosen for abundance, prosperity, or influence. [pure city]... Hm. Kind of amusing that both his family and given names include kanji for locations. I don't know enough about Japanese naming conventions to say if this is weird or not though.

It's funny to watch him struggle with his sincere beliefs that conflict with his worldly desires (like porn mags and cigarettes), but it also adds a very compelling layer to his character that instantly rocketed him near the top of the "Please Don't Die" list. The gag at the start of the chapter is designed to hint at his deeper character conflict in an amusing way before demonstrating the seriousness of it. I'll say more about that later.

Also, I'm going to keel over and die if we keep getting spoiled with so many names, Hokazono-sensei! Tobimune 飛宗 is our fifth enchanted blade. 飛 (tobi) means fly/leap for freedom, ambition, and being able to stand up for one's beliefs. 宗 (mune) means ancestor or respect (for elders/tradition/religious teachings). It can be chosen to symbolize respect for legacy, admiration for those who have come before, and an expression of the family's faith. Hmm, where have I seen this kanji before...? Anyway, I choose to believe that the name is [flying ancestor] because of the hilarious mental imagery it invokes. This is almost certainly inaccurate though, so believe at your own risk.

Unexpected Connections

No escaping yaoibachi even during a kick-ass fight chapter! I'm not a fan of the mentor/mentee ship dynamic, but that sort of thing is hugely popular in certain spaces over in Japan. Expect a sharp rise in SaUru stocks going forward (the JP tag is 座漆, for those who want to know).

Uruha and Samura use the venerable art of 居合術 (iaijutsu), a staple of many an action series featuring samurai-esque characters fighting with katana. I was hype for Samura cleaning house and boy was I not disappointed! He's so freakin' cool, man!

Where did he learn to succ like that, though...?

I'm a huge fan of the decision to give the bearers ties to each other outside of being acknowledged by Kunishige as well. It adds depth to the story and characters without requiring Chihiro's presence, making the world feel more natural. I'm excited to see what relationships we can compare to Samura and Uruha's instructor-student dynamic!

It's a bit funny that both of them use the same technique, have the same connection to Kunishige, and possess similar war hero status but have vastly different outcomes. Samura seems to have reached some kind of inner peace with himself- just like a samurai near the end of his story (oh no, death flags). On the other hand, Uruha is more like a ronin in the way he mourns the death of his master (Kunishige) and remains listless until he can fight again for Chihiro's sake. How much more has Samura experienced in life to be where he's at vs. Uruha? Official age reveals when?!

And this...! Chihiro lore tidbits!

So Chihiro DID get to go out in the world away from home, at least a little bit.

This probably took place shortly before Kunishige was murdered since Samura was still at his own home instead of the temple (Chihiro was 14~15 during the attack -> is 18 when the story starts 38 months later). And now we know how he learned to use a sword- Samura showed him a few things! I mean Kunishige probably did too since he demonstrated to Chihiro by slicing through as single bamboo shoot in Ch. 1, but Samura had a few things to teach as well. And he still has at least one more lesson for Chihiro before this arc finishes.

Samura, Chihiro, Life, and Death

Very interesting how Samura accepts that he's "going to hell" for killing obvious bad guys we're not supposed to feel sorry for. Contrast that with Chihiro, who believes he's justified in pursuing vengeance and killing "scum" who hurt others along the way. Both of these mindsets are valid and sympathetic! But it's notable to me that the adults in this manga are the ones who have more reservations and moral hangups about risking and taking lives compared to their younger companions. Usually it's the cool older adults telling the kids to keep an open mind and do what must be done, you know? At least in the shounen series I read. And they still do it here! I haven't forgotten the gut-punch flashbacks of Kunishige being a goof while telling Chihiro to "keep a cool head". It's just that the messaging from the adult cast of Kagurabachi is quite somber compared to how it usually goes in shounen. There's something heavy weighing on all of them that compels them to interact with the younger characters like they do. Ch. 1

Kunishige's reaction to Shiba's praise of him as a war hero.

Ch.8

Why wouldn't you know about being able to change before it's too late, Shiba? What's your story?

Ch. 29

A war veteran's outlook versus a young colleague's idealism.

A lot of these adults -especially Kunishige, Shiba, Uruha, and Samura- also refuse to be seen as heroes and pass the buck on to someone else. Their exact reasons are still hidden from us, but it's not hard to see that life has tempered them and given them nuanced takes on the significance of death. So their advice and wisdom come across as something somber and painfully realized.

Then you've got young characters like Chihiro and Hiyuki who have a strong sense of justice and don't mind killing "scum". We've been cheering Chihiro as he murders random mobs in cold blood since chapter 1 because we know he's only killing "bad guys", in fact. They're quick to judge and condemn and to their credit, pretty much everyone who's gone down to them directly has been framed as irredeemable (or at least deserving by association). Yakuza who kill and torture innocent townspeople, amoral mobsters that participate in slave auctions, mooks who want to kill Chihiro on sight for a bounty- it's never been in doubt that Chihiro is morally justified for killing the people he does.

But what is the weight of a life? Can Chihiro truly call himself a good guy after staining his hands with so much blood? Is he correct to condemn and snuff out so many evildoers? Samura brought up these questions. And there aren't any easy answers here- hopefully.

I think we can all agree that anime protag speeches containing pearls of wisdom like "killing [super evil villain] would make me just as bad as him" are eye-rolling in most superficial contexts. Many people find Chihiro appealing because he is the antithesis of this trope. But I believe the lackluster reasoning that comes across on-screen has a deeper logic behind it that often isn't built up or conveyed well.

In Buddhism, every single life is precious- no matter what. All of us are here for a purpose and it is not our place to judge how others spend their time. Instead, we should be pursuing our own peace and helping others along the path. We can choose to find or create value from even the most awful situations. We can and should choose to help someone turn away from causing harm to become a companion on the long road to enlightenment. So choosing to end a life instead is robbing someone of their essential right to exist. Killing a killer is a terrible act even if it saves other lives. So while it doesn't stop Samura from taking action, he acknowledges that he won't fare well in whatever judgement comes after death; he's no more worthy of living than the assassins he's killing. But he understands that his life is essential to the stability of the nation, so he fights to save himself despite believing what he's doing is wrong. Samura is cast in complex shades of grey compared to Chihiro's stark black vengeance born of grief.

If you thought direct references to Buddhist concepts were leaving WSJ with JJK ending this week, you were WRONG. I'm not gonna try to figure out what the flowers are right now but I might make a separate post if it eats away at me enough.

I think this is the burden that lays on most of the adults we've met. Killing might be morally justified in many cases, but it shouldn't be the first course of action, much less celebrated. Hence why Shiba tries to reform Madoka and the living Tou sibliings, why Samura has his bit here, and why Kunishige seems to hate being called a hero for creating weapons of mass destruction.

Death is part of the burdensome legacy that Chihiro's carrying- Kunishige was very clear about that in Chapter 1, so it's not a surprise that it might come up. I hope if it's explored we get a lot of nuanced takes, just like how familial duty was looked at in the Rakuzaichi arc.

There's another comparison I want to touch on...

Despite all of his resolve and intention to see the mission through, Chihiro isn't built for murder; if he can sympathize with the opponent, he instantly loses the will to fight. We've known this since Hakuri pulled Chihiro along with him to kill Kyora in the the Rakuzaichi arc. And Chihiro's still hesitating thanks to his compassionate heart: Uruha had to remind him to focus on the fight after they saw the gruesome display at the station. And we are reminded again this chapter in a very pointed fashion through Samura, but this time with a bit of potential foreshadowing disguised as a flashback:

I have no doubts that Samura will be the one to get Chihiro to stop wavering in the face of overwhelming cruelty this arc. Despite his sincerely held Buddhist beliefs, he accepts his role and what it means to be a Bearer. He sucks in the toxin of his worldly desires and commits seeing his job through. That will be the most important lesson he can teach. Hopefully not through death or betrayal, but... well, we've got a while to go so buckle up and settle in for the ride.

Hakuri, Samura, Uruha, and "Worth"

Sorry for the pseudo-philosophical rant there. Best boy is here again!

Cute hair clip and radiation therapy face marking, bro. Interesting smell lore too- apparently Samura can only recognize "old friends".

Hakuri's relegated to being an exposition device while on forced bed rest, but at least he still gets to do something in the narrative (I will yap about this guy no matter how small his appearances are).

In line with my borderline headcanon ramble above, I think "worth of self" might be examined this arc through Hakuri. I don't want to beat a dead horse over Hakuri's issues each post, so basically: knowing one's own worth and acting accordingly is A Thing now. Hakuri, Uruha, and Samura all have different takes on the concept that will hopefully get developed.

Hakuri: thinks he needs to be useful to have "worth" (re: is completely unable to make an accurate self-assessment). Throws himself in harm's way with no self-preservation instincts evident despite being the key to Chihiro's plan working.

Uruha: despondent without someone to fight for until he meets Chihiro. Correctly assesses his own worth and refuses to take Hiruhiko's bait and rush headlong into danger.

Samura: at peace with fighting and killing even though he considers it to be a wrongful act. Knows his own worth and fights to preserve himself.

They sorta read as being in different stages of a self-actualization journey, don't they? Hakuri is at the start, Uruha's somewhere in the middle, and Samura's near the end. Maybe I'm just bonkers and making connections I shouldn't- wouldn't be the first time!

Crackpot Conspiracy Theory Time

This is just a silly series of observations. I have lots of tinfoil to make hats with if anyone wants to join me though!

市 (ichi) from Seiichi is the same kanji that was used in Rakuzaichi (楽座市). 100% coincidence, yes. But what if I point out that 座 (za) is ALSO the sa in Samura (座村)? It's not like there's a dearth of "sa" or "ichi" kanji to choose from to make a person's name, you know. Especially if it lets you avoid an overlap of concepts -like location-related kanji- being used in both the family and given names. What's up with that?

2. And then there's Tobimune. 宗 (mune) is the same character used in Soya's name, just with it's more typical reading. I pointed out a bit ago that the so reading of 宗 added to the oddities of Worst Big Bro's name- he's got some weird stuff going on (as does Hakuri).

3. We're not actually sure if Soya is dead. I want him to be rotting in hell for all eternity, but he could be alive and resting up somewhere offscreen. It's actually a semi-popular theory in the fandom since he didn't explode or become fertilizer at the end of the previous arc.

4. Samura's already raised a few traitor flags by being one of the handful of people to know about Chihiro and Kunishige's circumstances, and he found out by accident in a somewhat suspicious way.

Basically, I'm saying that this could be a hint that Samura will be tied to Soya's comeback. Possibly even be the traitor himself! I know, I know, I'm a genius. I accept kudos in the form of likes, cheese platters, and licensed professional mental health services.

Thank you if you made it this far into my delusional ramblings, kind void. Let's hope we see some Chihiro action next week and that no one raises any more death flags! Except for Hiruhiko. He can die any time, thanks.

#kagurabachi #long post #I can't express enough how much I love this manga's approach to examining complex topics #Shouldn't try to yap about it myself though since I can't express my muddled thoughts that well #I feel like there's a lot more to say about the adults vs the kids in this series but maybe another time

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aois-amaterasu-painting · 4 months ago

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Black B- PASS- Special Issue - The GazettE - NINTH Reference book - (part 1 - the 5 members solo interviews)

■ Interviewer: The title "NINTH" is quite simple, which is unexpected for a the GazettE album. Delving deeper, there are various meanings that the number "9" can imply...

RUKI: There might be some underlying meanings (laughs). But for this album, it’s simply just that.

■ Interviewer: Right, I see (laughs). The album doesn't have a unified musical direction, but there are strong emotions throughout. To put it simply, it's a strong feeling of 'We are not dead yet, and we can't afford to die.' Do you think that's a strong sentiment in this album?

RUKI: It's hard to explain in one word... I think a lot of different thoughts come together to form that kind of message. How should I put it. While I'm expressing all of myself, the lyrics overall might have a stronger negative aspect. However, the last track, "UNFINISHED," is relatively more positive.

■ Interviewer: Certainly. The straightforward words in that track were quite surprising.

RUKI: Yes, I wrote it honestly... Not that the other songs aren't honest, but I wanted to make it unembellished.

■ Interviewer: The phrase "You are the light that illuminates the path" was very moving and shocking in its naked honesty.

RUKI: Yes... recently, I haven't used such expressions... indeed.

■ Interviewer: Was there something specific that made you write like this at this time?

RUKI: The timing of making the songs and writing the lyrics was during a very negative period. Usually, I don’t write very positively, but I had a lot of thoughts about myself... I was quite at my limit. So maybe, on the contrary, I found salvation in the songs.

■ Interviewer: Despite everything, you could write these lyrics because you had someone to believe in, and your thoughts turned to continuing your activities towards the future, is that right?

RUKI: Yeah, that's right. But at the time I was writing the lyrics, I was wondering why I was putting myself through such pain… It was that kind of negativity. Revisiting those emotions at this point and reflecting on them again… The peak of it was around "itan" (referring to the series of live performances titled "Boudouku Gudon no Sakura" with the initial concept of Dainippon Itan Geisha). The period right after "DOGMA" ended was the lowest, and it feels like that has continued ever since… It's not as serious as it sounds (laughs). This is just my personal perspective.

■ Interviewer: I see. For example, in "NINTH ODD SMELL," there are specific words scattered throughout that trace the history of the GazettE.

RUKI: The way I wrote the lyrics is similar to "DIM SCENE," which was a song that sang about the album itself. But indeed, "NINTH ODD SMELL" depicts everything from our first album to the present.

■ Interviewer: Writing about the band's history in this way, at this time...

RUKI: It was probably because of "itan." After creating something like "DOGMA," I suggested doing "itan," but I'm usually the type not to touch on the past.

■ Interviewer: Yes, that's true.

RUKI: But I deliberately brought it out... How should I put it... I turned it into a product. I always said I wouldn't do that, but I did. In hindsight, I'm glad we did "itan," and I have no regrets about it, but it changed from the ideal I initially had for myself. The negative feelings about that were overwhelming. To put it bluntly, I did something completely opposite to my 'DOGMA' self, I'm not sure if I can say I was in a state of depression, but I felt like I couldn't see the way forward. I couldn't think of anything that would please the fans more than this, and seeing everyone happy about it made it worse. Even though I should have known better, in retrospect, I had this feeling of "Oh, I've done it."

■ Interviewer: It was indeed a significant event, like breaking a forbidden seal.

RUKI: Yes. That's why I remained in that state until I wrote "Falling." Maybe I overthought it, but it was something I had carefully protected, so I had a lot of thoughts about it. That was the trigger that made me start thinking about various things.

■ Interviewer: Did looking back on the past in "NINTH ODD SMELL" mean you had come to terms with it?

RUKI: No, I had already found closure with "Falling." I intended for "Falling" to be a song where I accept both my past and present self and fall... The lyrics reflect that. Saying I accepted it might not be quite right. The idea that even the parts of myself I dislike exist is a fundamental concept in this album. So, it's not that I dislike the songs or the world of "itan." But there were many parts that I thought shouldn't be, which I had sealed away. This time, I included everything in me… melodies, lyrics, without caring about good or bad. I had the intention to unleash what came to my mind without any restrictions."

■ Interviewer: You removed all boundaries and embraced yourself from any era.

RUKI: So, it's a bit different from the term "returning to the roots," but when I released what was still within me, it took this shape. The lyrics for "NINTH ODD SMELL" flowed quite smoothly, and in a sense, it was the first song for me. After falling with "Falling," "NINTH ODD SMELL" begins.

■ Interviewer: I see. That makes sense why "Falling" was released first.

RUKI: Yes, that's why "Falling" was released first.

■ Interviewer: Ah, that makes perfect sense.

RUKI: Oh, really? I'm glad (laughs). "Falling" is often thought of as a love song. I've also been told it sounds like it's about the fans. But I've already unraveled that before, so the way it sounds is different now.

■ Interviewer: Did you have any anxiety about exposing the emotions inside you without restrictions?

RUKI: Not anymore. Once I decided to reveal myself, my emotions swayed a lot, but I decided to express those swaying emotions as well. So, it was tough (laughs). I expressed what I felt was good, without worrying too much about "DOGMA" or previous works. I just wanted to release everything I had.

■ Interviewer: Did you share those core feelings with the members while making this album?

RUKI: No, I didn't. We generally don't have those kinds of discussions.

■ Interviewer: I see. Regarding the musical aspects, songs like "Uragiru Bero" and "UNFINISHED" might feel fresh to those who have only known the recent the GazettE, while they might evoke nostalgia for those who have followed you from the beginning. Of course, all of them are updated to the current the GazettE's style.

RUKI: Yes. The songs came about naturally. By the way, with "UNFINISHED," I found myself becoming negative while writing it. My mood would drop, and I'd feel like I couldn't finish the lyrics, so I'd take a break and come back to it. I realized how deeply I could get lost in thought.

■ Interviewer: The future-oriented lyrics of "UNFINISHED" seem to have been drawn out by the song itself.

RUKI: That's why that song was created when my mood was more positive. It was one of the earlier songs we made.

■ Interviewer: I see. And the opening track "Falling" and the final track "UNFINISHED" seem to have a direct connection in terms of the lyrical flow.

RUKI: Yes. For me, it's the beginning and the end... or rather, what comes after the end.

■ Interviewer: You fall in "Falling," but it's not the end. In "UNFINISHED," you take someone's hand and walk toward the future.

RUKI: It wasn't made with that much thought. It's just the result of expressing everything I felt. That's why I still can't view it objectively, from a third-party perspective. The lyrics are part of me.

■ Interviewer: So the words here aren't emotions you can yet see from a distance.

RUKI: There are some songs I can see that way, but most of them, no.

■ Interviewer: How long did it take to write the lyrics after "Falling"?

RUKI: About a month, I think. It was faster than usual. During that time, I wrote about what I felt while reflecting on myself, including my emotional fluctuations.

■ Interviewer: As we discussed earlier, by shaping your fluctuating emotions into a piece of work, did you experience any changes within yourself?

RUKI: Hmm... changes... I'm not sure.

■ Interviewer: Did you feel a sense of completion?

RUKI: Yes, perhaps. I pushed myself to my limits, so it was tough, but I felt like I had given everything, almost like I had poured my life into it.

■ Interviewer: But as a vocalist, you'll continue singing these songs moving forward, right?

RUKI: Yes, that's right.

■ Interviewer: How does that feel? Is it like purifying your emotions through singing?

RUKI: Ideally, that's what I'd like it to be. Time plays a part in it too. During this production period, I realized that I can't write about things I don't genuinely feel. I can't lie in my lyrics; they can't be business-like (laughs).

■ Interviewer: (Laughs) You can't write fictional, imaginary stories.

RUKI: It's fine if fans interpret it that way. But when I'm writing, I can't write about things I don't feel. For example, if I'm not thinking about the fans at a particular time, I can't write lyrics that seem like I am, hypothetically speaking. If my feelings change halfway through writing, I scrap it and start over.

■ Interviewer: That's why lyrics that you wrote with the fans in mind probably come across as straightforward and real.

RUKI: I'd like to think so. That's why I avoid giving specific explanations about the lyrics to prevent giving preconceived notions. I didn't like it when artists I liked explained their lyrics in detail. But then, it wouldn't be an interview (laughs).

■ Interviewer: I hope to ask in a way that works well (laughs).

RUKI: I don't intend to write in a twisted way, but it's challenging. For example, even with anger, the intensity of the emotion might differ from just being "annoyed." Especially with "DOGMA," the emotions were intense. Even now, talking about lyrics tends to pull me back into those feelings.

■ Interviewer: I see... it was that deep.

RUKI: It's not a bad thing. During this interview period, I've been feeling that way constantly, but it's not like I'm unwell (laughs). It's probably good to have that side. But with older songs, I can't always recall my feelings from that time. There are songs where I wanted listeners to feel a certain way, such as wistful or sorrowful.

■ Interviewer: So there are lyrics that were written with a specific intention.

RUKI: Some older songs have that. But they are just songs. It's not that I deny them, but when I think about my feelings when I was younger, I feel that I need to acknowledge them, or it becomes painful. There might have been such emotions.

■ Interviewer: Because it's a piece of work.

RUKI: Yes. However, with recent works, listening to them brings back my real feelings from that time vividly. I think that's a good thing for me as a vocalist.

■ Interviewer: To put it simply, the emotions embedded naturally become stronger, making it an even more emotional song.

RUKI: Exactly. I think it's much better than becoming numb (laughs).

■ Interviewer: Rather than just tracing the lyrics.

RUKI: Yes. Although, this can make it a bit dark. Fans who read the interviews get worried. But from an outsider's perspective, band members might think, "Do you really feel that deeply?" I suppose we're more delicate than expected.

■ Interviewer: Also, the charm of print media is that it can convey those real backgrounds and feelings in detail, enhancing what you feel when listening to the work. In the band interviews, the word "natural" was mentioned, but for lyrics, it's not just about that...

RUKI: It's about human touch, I guess.

■ Interviewer: I think so too. The arrangement of the songs gives the impression that the live performance could be completed as it is.

RUKI: From the selection stage, we progressed by filling gaps. We considered what was missing or what we wanted, so it has been in this form from the beginning. So, I think that's why.

■ Interviewer: Did you foresee starting with "Falling" after the SE and ending with "UNFINISHED"?

RUKI: Yes, that's what we aimed for. Also, I think that just listening to "UNFINISHED," the cover art might not quite match (laughs). By the way, "UNFINISHED" was completed around dawn.

■ Interviewer: The environment might also influence the style of the song. Since this song ends with a fade-out, it should conclude in a new form during live performances. I hope it will grow like "TOMORROW NEVER DIES."

RUKI: We didn't intend for "TOMORROW NEVER DIES" to be like that at the time, but it was completed quickly. It might naturally evolve or eventually fade away and stop being performed. However, songs that are born so quickly often have long lifespans.

■ Interviewer: It's not about creating a song to be a touching piece for live performances.

RUKI: Also, I can't create songs with that intention. It would feel like a farce to me. The same goes for live performances. For example, we stopped playing "Miseinen" because it felt like I had to cry every time, even if that wasn't the case. Similarly, we don't play "Wakaremichi" even though we could. For instance, during our 10th-anniversary live, we didn't play it because we said we wouldn't until we disbanded. We're stubborn that way.

■ Interviewer: Is it largely because these are some of the band's earliest songs?

RUKI: No, I don't have any resistance to the songs themselves. I had no issue performing "Sentimental na onigokko." It's not that I dislike them. I just feel they’re a bit youthful. So, I didn't intend to release "Itan" as a standalone video work.

■ Interviewer: I see. Listening to what you've said, it feels meaningful that the live footage of "Boudouku Gudon no Sakura" is included in the "NINTH" LIMITED EDITION BOX.

RUKI: It connects in a way and can be seen in a different light. Including it shows a change in me. It doesn’t fit the world of "NINTH" at all, and I used to be adamant about not including unrelated content, no matter how well it might sell.

■ Interviewer: This is a big change.

RUKI: Yeah... it's not that serious of a topic, though.

■ Interviewer: No, it's natural to have non-negotiable aspects as an artist, especially in a band like the GazettE that has moved forward in its own way.

RUKI: For me, it's not about scolding myself but allowing myself to be seen that way. It's about accepting even the uncool parts of myself. That's why I haven't watched the "Itan" footage even once.

■ Interviewer: Really, you haven't?

RUKI: Usually, the MC parts are edited out, but this time they're included. I barely watched the opening part shown at the "BURST INTO A BLAZE 3" event. I left it untouched, letting it be.

■ Interviewer: It's surprising that you didn't watch the footage even once before it became a product.

RUKI: If I had watched it, I would have easily cut the MC parts (laughs). When we decided to include it in "NINTH," we were already planning to leave the MC uncut, so I thought it was better not to watch. It's not that I hate including the MC parts; I just dislike the act of watching myself in that footage. The visuals and singing are fine, so it's just a matter of mindset.

■ Interviewer: Thinking about it that way, it feels like it has become something even more special.

RUKI: Yes. Now, it has a lot of meaning.

■ Interviewer: The lyrics also reflect your genuine emotions without any disguise, and your time with "Dainippon Itan Geisha" played a part in that...

RUKI: That's also part of me. In the past, I didn't acknowledge that. I used to separate it, like, "That was then, and this is now." I didn't deny my past, but I considered it a separate entity. However, when I reflect on my feelings from when I was younger, I realize it would be painful not to acknowledge them. So, I may have had such emotions. But I hear that vocalists often have such feelings to some extent. Some people are even uncomfortable with their own lyrics. Believing that the present is the best and affirming myself, I've moved forward. While creating the ninth album as RUKI, I decided to expose all my ugly and weak parts. For this ninth work, I wanted to express whatever feelings I had, no matter what they were.

■ Interviewer: I see. There are many aspects that become clear only through such discussions.

RUKI: Yes, although there are parts that you probably don’t need to know.

■ Interviewer: However, knowing the author's thoughts can change the perceived intensity and the depicted scenery.

RUKI: Well, I’m usually in good spirits (laughs). When I talk about these things, the members often say, "What!?" But it's a personal thing.

■ Interviewer: I'm glad to know that this work carries such profound feelings.

RUKI: It’s heavy though (laughs).

■ Interviewer: But it's much better than someone who doesn’t think about anything at all.

RUKI: I used to think I was a person who didn’t think about anything. I was more of a positive thinker. So, it was shocking. I had never fallen this deep before.

■ Interviewer: If you hadn’t done a live under the name "Dainippon Itan Geisha," things might have turned out differently.

RUKI: Most likely, it would still be somewhat "DOGMA"-like. Not that I would have wanted to continue with the sound of "DOGMA" indefinitely. We did it so thoroughly that I was exhausted. If I wanted to make music like that, we already have the "DOGMA" songs. Of course, doing "Itan" didn’t directly lead to the melodies in "NINTH."

■ Interviewer: Right. The direction of your mindset would have been different.

RUKI: Exactly. So, it's somewhat mysterious that we ended up with this kind of album now.

■ Interviewer: Around the time of the release of your previous work "DOGMA," the GazettE had many opportunities to look back on the journey you've taken, such as the "Redefinition Tour," the 13th Anniversary live, and the 15th Anniversary live. What was your mindset before starting the album's production?

Uruha: Really, in these past few years, we've had many projects that involved looking back. Besides what you just mentioned, we also made a ballad best-of album ("TRACES VOL.2," released on March 8, 2017). Reflecting on so much made me realize that I've always been immature as a musician and that I'm still incomplete. Especially when I think about my mindset as a guitarist in the early days, it's at a level where I don't even want to remember it (laughs). The past few years of reflecting have been a period for me to realize that I need to improve more."

■ Interviewer: Your dedication remains unchanged. Amidst such thoughts, you began creating "NINTH," right?

Uruha: Yes. But at that time, we didn't have a clear theme or concept for the album. It was the same with "DOGMA" – RUKI just presented the visual image. This time, it was a picture of a soldier’s face melting, but I couldn't visualize how that would connect musically. In other words, there was no theme or direction when we started making the songs. Having just come out of a period of intense reflection on the past, I personally approached the songwriting process with the question, "Who am I?" in mind. When you keep pushing forward without looking back, sometimes you end up with something that doesn't feel like yourself. I thought that wasn’t good, and if I got too immersed in my current mode, I might overlook my own immaturity. So this time, I wanted to create songs that reflected my core. In that sense, the period of looking back was beneficial.

■ Interviewer: You took a good look at yourself. Listening to the songs you wrote this time, "THE MORTAL" and "BABYLON'S TABOO," it's clear that you like powerful and emotional music.

Uruha: That's definitely true. However, I brought those two songs in fairly late in the production process. So, they weren't born out of the initial inspiration but were created while looking at the trends of the other songs that were already finished. Especially "BABYLON'S TABOO," which was made towards the very end."

■ Interviewer: I see. Let’s start with talking about "THE MORTAL." This song is impressive for its method of utilizing the contrast between heaviness and a sense of floating, as well as its chorus that combines strength and sadness.

Uruha: "While we didn’t have a clear vision of what we wanted the album "NINTH" to be, we all agreed through the production process that an emotional sound is cool. This is important not only in live performances but also in our overall expression. Having that kind of emotional intensity can be a weapon when performing at festivals and such. Bands that lack this intensity don't seem cool to me. It's quite challenging to bring out this intensity, but we wanted to cherish that aspect. We didn’t explicitly decide to go in that direction during meetings, but when we watched live footage together, comments like 'This staging is intense and great' or 'It's emotional' came up often, and that became a sort of positive feedback loop. With that in mind, I created "THE MORTAL" very consciously following that trend."

■ Interviewer: I think many listeners perceive the GazettE as an emotional band. This time, you were especially conscious of that, right?

Uruha: "Yes. There are many bands outside of the visual kei field that have this emotional aspect. Since there are so many, it means there are many listeners who appreciate that style. Also, the emotional quality of visual kei has its own unique appeal, and I feel it's necessary for the GazettE to aim for that. After "DOGMA," I thought that the next thing we should seek is that kind of emotional quality."

■ Interviewer: Indeed, as you gain more experience, your ability to express "wabi-sabi" (aesthetic of beauty in imperfection) increases. When you are young, even if you want to be emotional, it's hard to express it well.

Uruha: "It’s hard to express. For example, there's a certain coolness in being subtle rather than expressing something strongly. If that's not cool, even emphasized expressions become superficial. Although I understood this, I couldn't achieve it well in the past. Either I couldn't be subtle enough, or I became too subdued and boring (laughs). Recently, I feel the urge to refine that contrast even more."

■ Interviewer: It's inspiring to see that with ambition, one can continue to evolve even after 10 or 15 years.

Uruha: "Yes. Now, more than ever, I feel like I've truly found joy. In the early days of the GazettE, it wasn’t as fun as it is now. Back then, I was just playing guitar with all my might, and the only fun part was being in a band. Now, expressing myself through the guitar is enjoyable, and when I can enjoy that, I can enjoy anything."

■ Interviewer: Over a long period, you understand many things. Additionally, the GazettE itself continues to evolve and change, leading to many discoveries.

Uruha: "Through the activities of the GazettE, many doors within myself have opened. The GazettE never stays in one place. The members enjoy discovering new things by challenging themselves, which is why not being satisfied is important. Also, looking back at the GazettE’s history helped me identify my flaws. My uncool aspects (laughs). By examining my roots, I see where I’ve carried that tackiness to my current self (laughs). If I don’t understand that, I can’t get rid of it."

■ Interviewer: But, the parts you feel are negative might be attractive to others.

Uruha: "That could be true. However, I think I should meet my own standards. Instead of using the word 'personality' as an excuse, I want to confront it properly."

■ Interviewer: That sounds like you. We got a bit sidetracked, but could you talk about the other song, "BABYLON'S TABOO"?

Uruha: "In GazettE's live shows, there's always a ballad block. This song was made as a transition piece to return to the intense zone from that ballad block. So, I thought it would be good to have a song that is continuous and elusive, like a one-chord song. "BABYLON'S TABOO" was created because I wanted a complex song that requires various skills to express."

■ Interviewer: Indeed, it turned out to be just that. It also has a subtle ethnic flavor, and it's nice that it's not too obvious.

Uruha: "That’s because the underlying concept wasn’t to bring out that world view. With this kind of musical style, it’s common to use Middle Eastern scales or incorporate sitars, but that’s not where I wanted to go. When I shaped what was inside me, it turned into this kind of song."

■ Interviewer: The continuous guitar riff and congas create a subtle native music feel. The fact that the congas aren’t overly emphasized is also great.

Uruha: "That's hindsight though. Initially, the conga was produced at the same level as the drums, but during the mixing stage, I thought it would be cooler to emphasize the sound of the drum toms. I decided to prioritize downgrading the sequences, thinking they were secondary. This time, I wanted to focus more on the band. Instead of emphasizing the sequence's impression in terms of development, I wanted to showcase the band's pulling power and didn't aim to strengthen the sequence's impact."

■ Interviewer: This work has a stronger band feel, but it’s characterized by songs with a solid worldview, not just driven by momentum or groove.

Uruha: "This time, we were extremely strict in our song selection. It took a while to finalize the selection. We kept creating songs, thinking there must be more, and we meticulously selected the ones we truly believed were the best."

■ Interviewer: The songs are compact and dense, matching the recent trends in the music scene.

Uruha: "It wasn’t intentional; it just happened naturally. Even if the structure is elaborate, we didn’t want long songs. Also, the overall BPM (tempo) feels fast, resulting in many songs around three and a half minutes long."

■ Interviewer: The fact that it happened naturally indicates a sensitivity to the times. Let's talk about the guitar next. What was important for you in terms of the guitar in this production?

Uruha: "We started the production with "Falling." First, we recorded "Falling" and decided to release it digitally. We spent a long time on the pre-production for "Falling," knowing it would set the tone for the album. There was significant debate about the direction we should take. Each member had their own ideas and desires, and when we combined them, it turned out to be too distorted. It was quite challenging to figure out the band’s sound. We used various references to guide us."

■ Interviewer: What direction did you initially want to take?

Uruha: "I originally preferred analog and had always used amps. However, while making "DIVISION" and "DOGMA," I realized that my personal aesthetics and desires as a guitarist didn’t always align with the band's sound. If it didn’t fit the band, it was meaningless. So, I considered what would suit the band and found that the things I had dismissed were actually the right answer. Basically, instead of using amps, I started using simulators to create the sound. Although I had resisted this method, when I tried it with an open mind, it fit well. Initially, I couldn't accept it, so I gradually adopted it. I started with cabinet (amp speaker box) simulators, then tried other things, and my world changed significantly. Things that were difficult before became easier. During live shows, I used to bring my own mics, set up two mics on the cabinet to capture the guitar sound. Despite my efforts, the guitar sound wasn’t heard well from the audience, and it didn’t blend well with the band. I realized I was only thinking I was doing something great without achieving the desired result. The more complex the setup, the less the guitar sound stood out. That led me to go digital."

■ Interviewer: Really? Does that mean the guitar on "NINTH" is mostly line recording?

Uruha: "Yes, not 'mostly,' but entirely line recording."

■ Interviewer: That's... surprising! The guitar on this work has a perfect distance from the ear, not too close nor too far. I thought you had found the ideal microphone arrangement for the cabinet.

Uruha: "That’s not the case. I experimented a lot to get here. Simply switching to digital line recording was really lackluster at first. It was lackluster for a long time. During "DOGMA," I couldn’t decide whether to bring out the amp's qualities or the cabinet simulator feel. But through research, I learned how to overcome the weaknesses of simulation. Now there are various simulators, but you can’t just use them as they are. For instance, I use only the Tube Screamer effect from Line6’s POD, and pair it with a different amp simulator."

■ Interviewer: That’s quite technical (laughs).

Uruha: "Hahaha (laughs). Using multiple simulators required a flexible mindset. For example, the POD has a unique sound; the Tube Screamer effect from POD is different from the real thing. However, that distinctive clinginess is only possible with POD. So, instead of seeing it as a Tube Screamer simulation, I started using it as a drive effect. I believe that if the sound matches my vision, the process doesn’t matter much. During this work, I realized that it's essential to cherish the initial vision for a song. It’s not about what equipment you use but the sound you create."

■ Interviewer: I agree. I think being able to use digital equipment so proficiently comes from all the analog trial and error you went through to get here.

Uruha: "I feel that too. You can’t understand the sound of a real amp unless you’ve actually used one. Even when using digital equipment, in the end, we still seek a sense of authenticity. My current goal is to reach a point where you can’t tell if it’s a simulator or a real amp."

■ Interviewer: The guitar sound on "NINTH" gets very close to that.

Uruha: "I think we got pretty close, but I still feel there's a long way to go. If you don’t feel the paper cone of the speaker vibrating, then it’s not the goal. Mixing and mastering diluted that raw feeling, but the recorded sound was more vivid. So, through this recording process, I learned that it’s necessary to exaggerate certain aspects more."

■ Interviewer: Your dedication to research hasn't changed at all. How about your guitar playing?

Uruha: "The song that was really fun to play was 'BABYLON'S TABOO.' It was full of emotion, and there were times when I played without thinking about anything other than emotion, and I think we recorded a good take. The difficult ones were RUKI’s songs. His riffs are designed by someone who doesn’t play guitar, making them very challenging. They don’t hit the sweet spots that guitarists usually enjoy; they’re quite demanding (laughs). Also, it’s not like he says, ‘I did this casually, make it sound good based on that.’ He wants it just as it is (laughs). So I’d be like, ‘Wait, this part is single notes? I’d use power chords for all of it.’ There’d be weird bends or sudden picking harmonics (laughs). And I’d think, ‘Do I have to do this every time?’ (laughs). RUKI’s songs have a lot of riffs like that, so it took quite a bit of effort to internalize them."

■ Interviewer: So, it's impressive that you don’t say "impossible" to that. In the song written by RUKI, the rough guitar intro of "GUSH" is really cool, isn’t it?

Uruha: "Yeah, that coolness comes from RUKI's strong commitment. I did it quickly on my own and handed it over, but he said the sound quality was different. He wanted it to be more noisy. So I was like, 'Huh, even more?' (laughs). That meant it wasn't just a matter of guitar gain levels anymore; it ended up being crushed with a crusher (an effect that gives strong distortion), like 'There's no choice but to destroy it completely' (laughs). That's how we shaped it."

■ Interviewer: Quite extreme (laughs). The beginning goes punkish, but you're playing mechanical riffs in the interlude, right?

Uruha: "I actually put a lot of effort into those riffs. It had an industrial feel, conveyed only with the image of a whammy (an effect that smoothly changes the pitch of the guitar). RUKI's demo had the guitar going 'wooooon wooooon' only, and he wanted it to sound really good. So I was like, 'Huh?' (laughs). Even with the whammy, the sound just gets lame (laughs). So, after a lot of trial and error, we finally used a ring modulator that produces whammy and octave effects. It's quite simple in terms of what we did, but I think it turned into a riff with a strong impact."

■ Interviewer: That riff has a nuance like a synthesizer, which seems to leverage your use of synths in albums like "DIVISION."

Uruha: "That could be true. Also, when creating sounds for the GazettE's SE, there were many scenes where I destructively broke the sound or made explosive noises. I learned a lot from that, it has expanded my repertoire. Another thing is that stopping recording live amps and doing it through a line allows you to revert when you go too far. That sense of security enables us to boldly try things."

■ Interviewer: From those aspects, one can feel that you've really mastered digital equipment. Another thing, on this album, you handled the mixing for "THE MORTAL," "BABYLON'S TABOO," and also "99.999," right?

Uruha: "Yeah, I started mixing myself because I wanted to figure out how to properly showcase the guitar. If I didn't put myself in the position of an engineer, I couldn't argue or suggest anything to them. There were a lot of things about the mix that I wasn't satisfied with before. Like, I'd think the guitar sound was thin and wanted it thicker, but then they'd say, 'The original recording height...' It was frustrating, you know? I thought, 'I've put in a reasonable amount of effort and used good equipment, so it shouldn't sound thin.' But I lacked knowledge, and it wasn't just about using good equipment. I wanted that assurance, so I decided to mix it myself. However, I've been doing this for quite some time, so it wasn't like I started anew for this album."

■ Interviewer: I see. However, you need knowledge to do mixing work. How did you go about acquiring that?

Uruha: "I'm self-taught. I didn't learn from anyone; I researched and learned on my own. Also, mixing work is somewhat related to creating guitar sounds, so it's similar in feeling. There's a desire to improve the band's sound. So, rather than a major decision, it feels like an extension of creating guitar sounds."

■ Interviewer: You can tell you're a genuine music lover. So, what do you focus on and value when mixing your own tracks?

Uruha: "During this work, I realized that when I mix my own songs, I need to cherish the initial feeling of 'I want this song to be like this' that I had when I first created it. I absolutely hate it when it changes midway and I end up thinking, 'Wait, what kind of song did I want to make again?' I wanted to protect that initial impulse, at least for my own songs. Ultimately, when making a piece of work, the skill of an engineer can greatly influence and change it, sometimes against my wishes. So, I focused on preserving the original feeling when I made the song."

■ Interviewer: I think that's something listeners will really appreciate.

Uruha: "It's the same with live performances—when the PA gets involved, the members' intentions don't always get conveyed accurately. Even if we want to balance things well, sometimes the audience hears it in a skewed way because the PA is working to make their job easier. It’s better if the band can shape the sound themselves. If we understand the difficulty of achieving a good balance live, that's just part of the process. I wanted to know more about these aspects."

■ Interviewer: It seems like your mixes will keep improving. Now, "NINTH" has become an album showcasing new charms of the GazettE. Along with the album release, we’re also looking forward to the tour starting in July.

Uruha: "The album 'NINTH' is a work designed for the tour, packed with things we want to do live. As I mentioned before, it's about bringing out that emotional aspect. I have a clear vision for this kind of live performance, so I think we can start the tour on a strong note. With 'DOGMA,' the goal was to present the image of 'DOGMA' on tour, focusing on what the GazettE would do rather than on myself. This time, I can concentrate on what I want to do individually and what I want to show as a guitarist. I'm really looking forward to delivering that kind of live performance."

■ Interviewer: Around the release of your previous album "DOGMA," the GazettE had many opportunities to reflect on its journey with the "Redefinition tour," the 13th-anniversary live, and the 15th-anniversary live. Did this influence how you felt before starting the new album?

Aoi: "It was quite natural. Looking back at the past, I didn't have a moment where I thought, 'Yes, I'm definitely this kind of guitarist.' Even during the 'redefinition' phase, it wasn't so much about how I was back then but more about the songs and the youthfulness of the band. In that context, I was always working as my current self at the time, so there's no consistent style."

■ Interviewer: So, it's more about providing what the songs and the band need rather than asserting your own style?

Aoi: "Especially recently, yes. Although the other members are like that too, in the past, I was more intense (laughs). I had a strong attachment to staging, certain things were absolutely non-negotiable. Nowadays, we focus more on how to present ourselves as a band rather than as individuals. So, both in staging and playing, I've become more flexible. However, this doesn't mean I can't do what I want. I enjoy various approaches and playing styles. Playing heavy riffs is fun, and so is using crunch tones to bring out the chords. There’s nothing I don’t want to do style-wise. So, I really enjoy playing guitar in the GazettE. Long-time fans might think Aoi has become more subdued lately, but I feel more naturally part of the band now."

■ Interviewer: In long-lasting bands, members often find the right position for themselves. With this mindset, what were your thoughts going into the creation of "NINTH"?

Aoi: "When I listened to the submitted songs, I thought there was a lot of variety again. There were heavy songs, and delicate ones like the seventh track, 'その声は脆く' (Sonokoe wa Moroku). I wasn't confused by the variety; I felt ready to handle any song. I’ve always been something of a jack-of-all-trades, even outside of music (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Really? I don't see it that way.

Aoi: "Is that so? I feel I can't dive deep into things. Uruha, for example, dives headfirst into things and steadily improves, but I'm not like that."

■ Interviewer: I don't think being versatile is the same as being a jack of all trades. You have your own style, and you're the type who can apply it in various situations, right?

Aoi: "True, I have a core, but everything else is quite broad and shallow (laughs). As a trade-off, though, I can adapt to almost anything. Lately, all the members have become capable of playing guitar, so during the demo stage, the phrases are often already solidified. Still, I make sure to assert myself with the guitar phrases. If I think the demo's guitar phrase is good, I'll reproduce it, but when I change it, I change it completely. Band cohesion is my top priority, but if I feel it's better to expand the demo phrase or the scene, I'll suggest a broader approach. That’s been my stance recently, and it hasn’t changed this time either."

■ Interviewer: That seems like a good approach. When creating songs for the album, what did you focus on?

Aoi: "This time, we didn’t have a specific concept for the album when we started. With "DOGMA," we had a strong concept from the beginning, aiming to create a work that would become like a scripture. But this time, we didn’t have that. RUKI probably had a vague idea of the album, but it wasn’t solidified enough to put into words. So, at first, we just started making songs individually, and various worldviews emerged. When RUKI mentioned a direction for the songs, it wasn’t a motif like in "DOGMA." It was more like, ‘Let’s proceed with this musical style.’ So, we started creating with just that direction in mind (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Perhaps RUKI wanted to clarify the overall vision of the album by listening to the submitted songs.

Aoi: "Maybe so. That's why this time it didn't feel like a selection meeting in the traditional sense. It was more about building upon the musical direction Ruki had mentioned and choosing the best among what each of us had written. So, it felt like an audition in a way."

■ Interviewer: So, regarding the song Utsusemi, was it chosen from various songs you made, not something you created with a fixed decision?

Aoi: "Yes. I made many songs and proposed them at each selection meeting, but there wasn’t a direct response like, ‘This song is good.’ RUKI created songs with a vision of wanting this one at the end of the album or this one in the middle. He couldn’t see which songs would connect well. As a result, the songs kept piling up without deciding whether to adopt them or not (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: But in the end, you could choose the best from a rich pool of candidate songs. What was your thought process in writing Utsusemi?

Aoi: "This song was one of those created without a clear answer to the need for a mid-album track. I wrote Utsusemi long before I had a clear vision of "NINTH." I was still exploring how to approach it, so personally, I think the songs I made after Utsusemi are more complete, reflecting the atmosphere of "NINTH." But suddenly, RUKI started saying he thought that song I had brought in at the beginning would fit well, and that's how this song got included. That's all good, but when it came to making 'NINTH,' I had thought to avoid making songs of this type. There’s this perception of ‘this is Aoi's position’ (laughs). Even in interviews, it becomes a topic, and I wanted to avoid that. I always create various types of songs, but they often don’t fit and aren’t adopted. In the end, it turned out to be a song like this again this time (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: That’s because your emotional sense is a significant element of the GazettE. Whether Utsusemi is included or not greatly affects the impression of "NINTH."

Aoi: "I hope so. But honestly, I want people to understand that I don't intend to create songs of this position. This time, I came up with the melody myself, but until now, it was Ruki's melodies, so it was like a collaboration with Ruki. It always ends up in that position, like, 'Huh? Again?' (laughs). I want people to know that I also create intense songs, not just songs like Utsusemi. Please make this sentence bold (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: (laughs). Even if it wasn’t your initial intention, “Utsusemi” is an emotional and melodious mid-tempo tune, a truly great song. It also introduces new elements, such as the use of synth riffs.

Aoi: "For this song, RUKI wanted the chorus to feel soft, so I completely reworked the chorus to match the melody. But apart from that, the demo was almost in its final form. The synth riff was in my head from the moment I created the song. The intro and first verse have the synth and guitar in unison. That’s about which phrases to emphasize. I felt that nothing extra was needed and thought there weren't many examples of synth and guitar unison. So, I made them unison, and for the second verse, I harmonized the guitar and synth."

■ Interviewer: The expansive feel in the second verse is exquisite. The guitar solo flows beautifully and is a highlight.

Aoi: "Really? I feel like I could have done more with the solo if I had more time. I was satisfied when I recorded it, but listening to it now, I think it’s a bit rough."

■ Interviewer: I don’t think it’s rough at all.

Aoi: "No, it’s rough. Maybe I feel that way because it’s my own work. It’s not that it’s bad, but I think I could have polished it a bit more."

■ Interviewer: Including the sexy sound with the octaver, it’s a great solo. Speaking of guitars, let’s talk about the guitars on “NINTH.” Did you have any themes for the guitars this time?

Aoi: "We recorded 'Falling' at the end of last year, ahead of the other songs, which served as a pre-production recording for the album. Initially, I played with a sound in mind for the next step, but that expectation was shattered. In a good way… We understood what the band desired in terms of sound."

■ Interviewer: What kind of sound were you aiming for?

Aoi: "DOGMA had a very modern finish. Personally, I’m not very good with modern guitar sounds, so I wanted to bring it back to my own style. But the band was in a modern sound mode. Making a modern sound is easy, but I didn’t want to do the same thing again. So, I thought I’d propose a sound I had in mind. Although it didn’t make it in time for 'Falling,' I started crafting the sound I envisioned using my equipment. It took shape, but I felt it was a bit forced. Not that I disliked the sound, but in the process of adjusting it with various methods and EQ, I realized it would be better to use equipment that naturally produced that sound."

■ Interviewer: Does that mean you used simulators for direct recording?

Aoi: "No, I used a pretty standard setup in an analog way, playing through a cab (speaker box) and miking it. Uruha, on the other hand, created his sound entirely digitally using simulations. I was concerned about the atmosphere and asked him not to stray too far from it. When one person uses digital and the other uses analog, if we don’t consider each other’s sounds, the balance of the two guitars’ atmospheres can become odd."

■ Interviewer: That’s true. So, did you two align your approaches? The result sounds very natural, as if both guitars were recorded in the same manner.

Aoi: "Maybe, but when we made the ballad best (TRACES VOL.2), Uruha packaged the sound he wanted to create entirely through simulation. The difference in atmosphere was very noticeable. So, I wanted to consolidate the band’s overall atmosphere a bit more if he continued using simulators. Even though we used different methods, we discussed wanting to consolidate the band's ambiance a bit more… That's what I talked about. I think Uruha put a lot of effort into his sound creation this time as well."

■ Interviewer: He mentioned that. Still, I’m a bit surprised. The balance seems well-achieved.

Aoi: "When the digital player moves towards analog and the analog player towards digital, it comes together well (laughs). Neither the two guitarists nor the band consciously tried to match the sounds this time. Each of us thought about our own sound, considering how the band would ultimately be heard. Being analog, I lacked the closeness in sound that digital provides. Analog has a sense of space, while digital’s closeness is hard to replicate. Knowing Uruha’s sound would stick to the ears, I aimed for a sound as close to the ear as possible. I insisted on analog because I believe it offers a different power compared to purely digital processing. I wanted to package the feel of air vibrating from the cab. But I didn’t want the digital closeness to overpower the phrases either. That was a conflict, but Uruha left space for both guitars to be heard, which allowed us to blend them well."

■ Interviewer: The proximity of the guitars is perfect. You can clearly hear the nuances of the guitar.

Aoi: "This album feels very raw. 'DOGMA' made the sounds of both of us quite similar, and the album had a lot of mechanical processing to synchronize unison riffs. That was suitable for the world view of 'DOGMA,' but when it came time to create something true to ourselves this time, I thought this kind of roughness was good. After all, it's something humans do, and each person values different aspects of the sound. Packaging that again at this timing is significant for the band. If we erased our individualities, the work would become boring. I believe a band creates something unexpectedly great by clashing individualities."

■ Interviewer: I agree. The advancement of equipment has created an environment where different approaches can be utilized effectively. In the past, you would have been forced to align our methods.

Aoi: "That's right. If one of us had said they wanted to go digital, we would have ended up both going digital for the sake of research. But this time, we didn't do that at all, and I was able to work on my sound independently for the first time in a while. Previously, there was always someone in the studio because we were bringing the two guitars together. But this time, everyone was gone (laughs). REITA, for instance, would say, 'I'm done recording my bass, so I'll take off,' and he’d leave (laughs). He would record his bass from the morning and leave around the best time in the afternoon. I would start when it got dark, just when I wanted to go home (laughs). And I’d be alone (laughs). Recording guitars that way and still managing to bring them together nicely in the end is only possible in this day and age. It would have been impossible in the past, I think."

■ Interviewer: I agree. So, what equipment did you use for the recording of "NINTH"?

Aoi: "I used my signature model from ESP for the guitar. That guitar has a bit of a sharp sound, or you could say it has an edgy tone. It's not typically the sound the members of the GazettE prefer, but it fit well this time. 'NINTH' really captures the current sound of the five of us, which I think is great. By the way, for the 11th track 'ABHOR GOD,' I used the same Dragonfly guitar as Uruha. Although the amps were different, the tonal range of the two guitars matched. If you listen to 'ABHOR GOD' compared to the other tracks knowing that, you'll notice how unified the guitar tones are."

■Interviewer: That’s definitely something to check out. What kind of amps did you use?

Aoi: "When we were recording 'Falling', I talked with the engineer about wanting that kind of sound, so we decided to use the 5150. Marshall amps have a strong high end, so we thought the 5150, with its rich mids, would be better. We rented one to try it out and it sounded great, so we decided to use it. Then, the engineer ended up buying a 5150 (laughs). He said, 'There was a cheap used one available, so I bought it.' We ended up with about three 5150s: an older model, a current one, and a slightly modified one. I liked the early model 5150 the best for its rawness. I don't dislike the modern sound of the current model; it fits better for ballads and vocal songs. But for aggressive tracks, I used the old 5150. So, I mainly used my guitar, and just a few compact effects."

■ Interviewer: You managed to cover a wide range of styles and approaches with simple equipment. How was the guitar playing aspect?

Aoi: "Since many of the songs were written by others, it was overall quite challenging (laughs). Especially the riff work. It's difficult when non-guitarists create riffs. Also, when recording the riffs, I did a lot of punching in (recording in sections), which made playing them through difficult (laughs). The sound would cut off at the punching points, and I’d have to figure out whether the resonance from the previous sound was needed or not. Those things made the riffs challenging."

■ Interviewer: You reproduced the demo riffs faithfully without changing them to suit your style?

Aoi: "I recreated the main riffs. But as I mentioned earlier, it's important to incorporate my own color into the music. So, I first consider what the composer intended with the riff. Does this phrase need to be there or not? I didn't want to remove something they were particular about, which would go against their intent. I carefully thought about these aspects while shaping the phrases. Some parts stayed as in the demo, while others changed. For delicate songs like 'Sonokoe wa Moroku', I wanted to showcase my style. I was particular about those songs, as well as 'Utsusemi. I remember paying close attention to the details."

■ Interviewer: Songs like 'Sonokoe wa Moroku, 'Utsusemi', and 'UNFINISHED' have a precise approach and the guitar's gain (distortion) is just right.

Aoi: "I was very particular about that. Heavy songs are simpler (laughs). It's like, if that song is like this, then this song should be like this too (laughs). But those three songs were seriously meticulous. I hope readers of this interview keep that in mind while listening."

■ Interviewer: You can enjoy not only the solid and heavy guitar sound but also the light guitar charm and the pleasant resonance of the chords. How do you feel now that 'NINTH' is complete?

Aoi: "I really feel relieved that we finished it (laughs). The schedule was cutting it really close, especially in the latter half of the production."

■ Interviewer: Really? But I thought you reduced the number of live performances last year to focus on making the album...

Aoi: "Well, we did start early and made proper progress, but our dear RUKI is the type who, if he has time, wants to obsess over every detail (laughs). So no matter how much time we have, it always ends up being right up to the deadline. But that’s because of his strong sense of responsibility towards the band, so I can’t really tell him to hurry up. It’s like, ‘I’ll wait for you, really’ (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: I see (laughs). What was your impression when you listened to the finished album, considering all that thrill?

Aoi: "I listened to the album in full for the first time during mastering, and as expected, I passed out (laughs). We worked from the day before until midday the next day, and went straight into mastering, so I blacked out (laughs). The next day, I listened to it carefully and, compared to 'DOGMA,' there are some rough parts, but I felt that added to its humanity. It really captured our current, real selves, and I enjoyed listening to it a lot. The excitement I felt was greater than with our last few works. And you know, 'NINTH' is like, 'We're satisfied with it, now what do you all think?' kind of album. It's not like 'Listen to this great album!' It's more like 'This is us, what do you think?' kind of vibe. We've been doing the GazettE for 16 years now, and I think that's just fine."

■ Interviewer: I'm sure the listeners will feel that excitement too. I'm also looking forward to the tour with 'NINTH'.

Aoi: "'DOGMA' was artistic, with a vibe of 'This is our worldview, please listen!' But 'NINTH' shows our real, down-to-earth selves, so I think the live atmosphere will be quite different. The last tour had a strong theatrical element, but I think this tour will be full of live energy. That's the feeling I get, but because we're the GazettE (laughs), you never know until you open the lid. Maybe we won't know until the second day after the first day of the tour (laughs). It was exactly like that with 'DOGMA' (laughs). So, I don’t know what the tour will be like, but I have a good feeling we’ll put on great shows, so I hope everyone looks forward to it."

■ Interviewer: First, I’d like to ask about your approach to the songs on "NINTH." You add accents depending on the style of the song, but do you generally take a position that supports the bottom without standing out too much?

Reita: "Yes, that’s right. I’ve been that kind of bassist for about ten years now. I do move around at key points, but I think that’s what the bass should do. If it were a one-guitar setup, it might have been different. Plus, our vocalist uses a lot of words, and often includes choruses during interludes, I generally play to let other parts shine more. I want to be in the best shape for the song, and if I play with the feeling of wanting to hear my own phrases, I feel like the band wouldn't last long (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: I see (laughs). From the demo stage, do the other members incorporate the bass line with your style in mind?

Reita: "Sometimes it works out that way, and sometimes they tell me that they want me to move more in certain parts that were initially placeholders. I interpret it in my own way, thinking maybe I should support the bottom here or move around a bit there if there’s space. 'Falling' wasn’t moving in the original song either. It’s not that I particularly want to move the bass line, but I don’t mind moving either (laughs). It’s just about finding a balance where the bass stands out in a good way. Of course, I support the parts where the guitar comes in intricately, and I think I’m doing a good job of finding that balance on my own."

■ Interviewer: In songs like 'Uragiru Bero,' we can hear your driving, standout phrasing.

Reita: "Recently, we’ve been doing a lot of unison playing, but 'Uragiru Bero' incorporates the visual kei sensibility that we’re familiar with. The melody line has a bit of an old-fashioned feel, and RUKI wanted that kind of bass vibe too, so I understood what he meant."

■ Interviewer: It's like blending the nostalgic visual kei elements of yesteryears with the current sense of the GazettE.

Reita: "Yeah. I think those who feel this as nostalgic are probably our generation. Teenagers today probably wouldn't find it nostalgic; they might even feel it's an atmosphere they've never experienced."

■ Interviewer: Are there other songs where you've changed your approach?

Reita: "For example, 'THE MORTAL' and 'BABYLON'S TABOO' had different playing styles, using only the thumb to strike. I'm quietly doing various things, but stealing the listener's ears with the bass isn't my thing."

■ Interviewer: Oh really?

Reita: "Yeah. After all, it's all about the song itself... I'm not looking to have a bass battle (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: However, when REITA was a kid, he was excited by bassists who dazzled with flashy phrasing, right?

Reita: "Yeah, that's right. I wanted to copy them... So I think maybe I'm not the type who kids would idolize now (laughs). But, for example, the cool bands abroad that I like these days, their bass lines hardly move. They often create a mass of unison with guitars, and that's what I feel is 'good sound.' If I were playing something completely different from the guitar in an independent manner, it wouldn't resonate as a cohesive sound, and to me, that wouldn't feel like 'good sound.' So, I try to focus on phrases that contribute to what I perceive as 'good sound.' But the challenging part with the GazettE is that even in unison songs, everyone starts arranging things in the chorus, so creating sound becomes difficult. If it were just unison, feeling the bass would be enough, but when you want to hear the phrases, you start to feel the need for a bit more midrange, and that's the difficulty."

■ Interviewer: Tuning has also become lower.

Reita: "Yeah, that's right. So, sometimes I feel there's a contradiction between the sound I want to produce and the phrases I'm playing."

■ Interviewer: Also, the straightforward 8-beat rush in "UNFINISHED" must resonate with your roots.

Reita: "Yes. But I'm sure 'UNFINISHED,' for example, might feel surprisingly placed here now. I've become part of such a band without even realizing it, but in my mind, it's neither surprising nor anything else—it's right at the heart of our roots."

■ Interviewer: I can picture you vividly playing it live.

Reita: "Yes, so the bass phrase moves only in the last chorus, but originally it moved in the first and second choruses as well. But I imagined how it would look on DVD. It might become a song we play as an encore in five years. Like when we used to play 'Shunsetsu no koro.' In such moments, I want to play while looking around rather than being engrossed in playing during the chorus, so I kept the movement only in the last part."

■ Interviewer: Wow, I didn't expect you to think that far ahead!

Reita: "It was more of a feeling that I wanted to strum a bit more. I hope it becomes a song that holds that kind of position."

■ Interviewer: I wanted to ask if 'UNFINISHED' could become a second 'TOMORROW NEVER DIES' for you.

Reita: "Ah, yes, well (laughs). Who knows."

■ Interviewer: It seems quite challenging to surpass a song that has embedded itself so deeply in your heart and undergone rapid growth.

Reita: "Yes, but we have to surpass them, right? There's a song that made me think, 'I can't win with just what I've built up, I have to compete with what I've stacked up. So, we might have to overwrite the old songs for that. But that depends on the tour. It’s about how much we can nurture it during the tour."

■ Interviewer: Also, 'UNFINISHED' feels like it goes by quickly. It leaves you wanting to hear more.

Reita: "Really? Well, the same goes for live performances; it’s better to end just when people want to see a bit more. You don’t want them looking at the clock. Like with movies, if you start checking how much time is left, that movie becomes a failure for me (laughs). 'UNFINISHED' wasn’t intended to stand out or be in a special position; it’s just one of the 12 tracks we naturally created. It was surprising that people focused on this song so much. It made me realize how dark our band had become (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Hahaha. Fans who've known the GazettE for a long time would understand that you excel in such songs. You carry the pride of visual kei, but there’s no pressure, right?

Reita: "There wasn’t any. But I do feel relieved that I finally got to do this kind of song, though. Well, in the past, there might have been times when we could have done it but deliberately chose not to. If this kind of song is in every album, the impression might get diluted, you know?"

■ Interviewer: So, when you finally draw your sword, does it feel satisfying?

Reita: "Is it satisfying? Well, I won't know until we do it live… (laughs). If it becomes a song that makes everyone emotional when played at the end of an encore in a few years, that would be great. It's not easy to surpass old songs like 'Shunsetsu no koro' or 'Miseinen.' There's a part of me that wants to perform classic songs like my favorite artists do."

■ Interviewer: But, there is also the example of "TOMORROW NEVER DIES" rising up that high.

Reita: "Yes, that's right. So, in the long run, as I mentioned earlier, if it becomes a song positioned for the last encore someday, by then, I think I can relax and perform it. So, for a while, I'll probably play it cool (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: By the way, there was talk about everyone being in their natural element, so did the songwriting process itself happen quickly?

Reita: "No, at the first song selection meeting, we played the songs and everyone listened and went 'Hmm…' and then fell silent… and then there was 'Should we go home today?' kind of feeling."

■ Interviewer: Scary! I wouldn't want to be there (laughs).

Reita: "We didn't even discuss things like 'Should we do it this way?' Maybe everyone was just troubled. So, it didn't come together clearly from the beginning."

■ Interviewer: So, none of the songs from the initial selection remain?

Reita: "No, there's not a single one. The second time, we brought out 'Falling,' and the other songs came even later. My memory is a bit vague, but 'Falling' is the standard that came out after much deliberation."

■ Interviewer: Considering the history of the GazettE, it was a luxury to let people listen to the opening track of the album for free.

Reita: "That's right. Speaking of luxury, we were able to record just this one song in advance, and we spent many days in the studio for pre-production, trying out different sounds and doing a preliminary recording before the actual recording. We experimented with various sounds by changing the pattern of the bass cabinet and line recording, and playing with different basses. So, making the sound for this album wasn't really that hard."

■ Interviewer: Ah, it was because of that timing.

Reita: "Yes. I think it was possible because we spent plenty of time on 'Falling'."

■ Interviewer: As a result, this method proved effective overall. So, recording the bass went smoothly?

Reita: "I can't say definitively… I was the judge myself, so I listened very carefully. I was looking at the waveforms on the screen, and if the volume dropped even slightly due to rough picking, I would redo it. So, it took more time than usual, but the convenience of re-amping outweighed it. If this were in the past, I would have played repeatedly to tweak the knobs for sound creation, and by the time we were ready to record, my fingers would have been a bit swollen. Eliminating these issues allows for a calm judgment of the sound. Also, recording in two different patterns allows flexibility during mixing if we want to make changes."

■ Interviewer: Isn't it difficult to judge by yourself?

Reita: "Well, basically, I've always been the one to judge. In the end, I would let everyone listen and there would be exchanges like 'Wouldn't it be better to do it this way?' But we didn't have a producer telling us what to do. Since I did it alone, I could listen to just the bass part or only the bass and drums as much as I wanted, so I could be thorough. However, compared to before, it feels less like making an album. For example, after playing in the studio and saying 'It's done!' and calling everyone to the lobby to listen together—that kind of thing isn't there anymore."

■ Interviewer: Certainly, those are the charms of being in a band.

Reita: "Also, from this time, we changed engineers, and it was different from the way we had done it for about seven years, which I think was a good change."

■ Interviewer: It was two external people and Uruha, right?

Reita: "Yes. We couldn't have finished in time otherwise (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: So, the work progressed simultaneously?

Reita: "Yes, really. For the mix, it used to be two songs a day. But on the first day, we had to do four songs a day… But somehow it went quite smoothly."

■Interviewer: You found out you can do it if you try.

Reita: "Yes. And if it goes well, we might have the current engineer handle the live sound as a PA. After all, it's better to have someone who understands the sound we want to produce."

■ Interviewer: Someone who stayed up with you all night and accompanied you extensively (laughs). Almost like being of one mind.

Reita: "Yes (laughs). It feels like we have a similar sense… For example, if I say 'this low part,' it's hard to convey in terms of frequency. But if I say 'the growling part'... When I say those things, our understanding aligns quite well. 'Ah, around here?' 'Yes, exactly,' that kind of quick communication.

■ Interviewer: It seems like you had good chemistry with this engineer.

Reita: "Yes. So with 'Uragiru Bero,' the initial mix didn’t quite capture the bass well, but when the engineer took it back and said, 'I'll tweak it a bit,' the next version he brought back didn’t need any further adjustments. It reaffirmed that our senses were indeed similar."

■ Interviewer: These nuances that can’t be conveyed through frequencies are important. How did you manage that in a process primarily involving data exchange?

Reita: "We used LINE to the fullest (laughs). Among the members, we would communicate in abstract terms like ‘a bit more spread out,’ and I would even send handwritten tab sheets via photo. We didn’t use technical jargon, but everyone could understand it, so I guess we’re in sync with each other."

■ Interviewer: Do you use your smartphone for LINE messages?

Reita: "I use both my smartphone and my computer, but mostly my smartphone."

■ Interviewer: On a side note, isn't it challenging to handle such exchanges on a smartphone?

Reita: "Honestly, I’d love to uninstall LINE (laughs). I actually resent the widespread use of smartphones. You can always be reached by anyone, which I really dislike. There are times when you don’t want to be disturbed and need your own time. On a fundamental level, when the phone rings, it makes me really anxious. But we couldn't avoid using it given the time constraints (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Right (laughs). But it's really painful to type out lengthy replies on a smartphone when bombarded with questions on LINE.

Reita: "I get that. And then, while typing, you get another message, so you have to start over. It’s annoying. I really wanted us to meet in person. We used to gather every week on a specific day, but this time, due to our tight schedules, we had to handle our tasks individually. However, it was worth it because we didn’t have to compromise, and we achieved a lot."

■ Interviewer: Did your previous experiences help in the video production this time as well?

Reita: "Yes. This time, RUKI and I primarily took the lead in making the 'Falling' MV and the promotional video. The promotional video involved a lot of text and effects, while the MV focused on cutting scenes, so it didn’t require as much skill. However, there were so many scenes that we couldn't fit everything in. It’s better to have too much material than too little, so it was a good problem to have."

■ Interviewer: There have been times when there wasn’t enough material, right?

Reita: "Yeah, it was tough when there wasn’t enough. But this time, we had so much material that we had to decide what to cut, and it was hard because we didn't want to cut anything. As a result, the scenes featuring the members might be a bit fewer, which could leave fans wanting more (laughs). However, I think the quality is the best in the history of the GazettE."

■ Interviewer: Yes. And I couldn’t believe you actually blew up a car.

Reita: "In this day and age, it’s great that we could do something like that."

■ Interviewer: When the staff first mentioned that you were going to destroy a car, I thought, "Are you really that kind of American band?" But after watching the video, I understood.

Reita: "Oh, yes, yes. It’s not like we’re making 'Fast and Furious' or anything (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: I’m glad the nuance came across (laughs).

Reita: "RUKI was also working on it simultaneously. He handled most of the editing, and I helped with the parts he couldn't finish, adjusting colors and fixing the shakiness. We worked on the video for about five days. We even stayed up all night for the final member check. We'll probably be making new videos again soon... but for now, I just want to enjoy the completion of the album."

■ Interviewer: Haha. Regarding the tour setlist, do you plan to follow the flow of this album?

Reita: That’s one way to do it, but since there are slightly fewer songs on this album compared to "DOGMA," we’ll include some older songs. I think they’ll blend in seamlessly. Whether we include songs from "DOGMA" or even older tracks, it shouldn’t feel out of place. This will make selecting the setlist quite challenging. With "DOGMA," it was easier because it was clear which songs fit. This time, with the inclusive nature of "NINTH," it’s a lot more difficult.

■ Interviewer: In a band interview, there was a discussion about whether the audience will participate in the chorus for 'ABHOR GOD.'

Reita: "It might be difficult, but I definitely want them to join in (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Yes (laughs). Personally, 'BREAK ME' came to mind. With its hand claps and chorus, it seemed like an arena rock number meant for audience participation. But it disappeared from the setlist surprisingly quickly. I imagine the live reaction wasn’t what you expected?

Reita: "Yeah, that was tough. Honestly, I thought 'BREAK ME' would be a killer tune. But when we played it, it was like, "Oh…?" (laughs). It disappeared almost immediately. We even tried to hype it up by releasing black balloons during the second performance, but that backfired. It made us realize we weren’t that kind of band (laughs). So we quickly dropped it. But I still really like "BREAK ME." Some fans do too. It might look different now if we performed it, but it probably won’t happen (laughs).

■ Interviewer: You never know how a song will go over live until you try it.

Reita: "Yeah. I was disappointed too. We gave up on it before it could fully develop. There’s a bit of regret, but we’re determined not to let that happen with the new songs.

■ Interviewer: With such a wide range of content, I’m excited to see how each song will unfold live.

Reita: "Yes. 'NINTH' feels like it could be our first album. It shows that the GazettE hasn't discarded anything."

■ Interviewer: Despite not intentionally changing, some people might say they prefer your early or mid-period work.

Reita: "Yes, I understand that feeling. We don’t feel like we’ve changed, but we get comments about how the old stuff was better or how people prefer our early or mid-period work. I understand that sentiment because I’ve felt that way about other bands. But we believe the latest work is the coolest, and we present it as such. If we were to make our first album now, it would likely be this lineup of songs.

■ Interviewer: I see.

Reita: "If this album had a stronger metal smell, people might think we changed after 'DOGMA.' But we make sure not to go in that direction."

■ Interviewer: You’re not a band that wants to stick to just one thing.

Reita: "Exactly. We don't want to be pigeonholed into one genre. As long as our live shows are enjoyable, that's what matters. We wouldn’t release CDs if we didn’t perform live. The album is meant to make our live shows fun. You could even say it’s an excuse to tour (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: After the whirlwind days, are you finally able to take a breather now?

Kai: "Well, I always think that taking a breather at this point is one of my bad habits. Now that the album production is over, I'm thinking if there's anything we've missed for the next step. Usually, I'd relax a bit while imagining the tour, casually considering my practice routines, but now I'm trying to organize everything, checking if the band is missing anything."

■ Interviewer: So you're intentionally keeping the tension high.

Kai: "Yes, I'm organizing the finer details. Not that everyone in the band needs to worry about it; it’s enough if one person thinks about it. There are always a lot of last-minute issues before a tour, so I'm trying to prevent that by planning ahead. It’s just that I'm being extra cautious without any deeper meaning (laughs). I'm trying to delegate tasks early on and have meetings about the stage setup that we usually push back."

■ Interviewer: I see. Regarding the drumming on "NINTH," it seems you had to play with a lot of precision while adapting to the wide variety of songs.

Kai: "Yes. Well, it's nothing new (laughs). Our previous albums also had a variety of songs because we like a diverse balance, so it's natural for different styles to emerge. For each song, I just approach it in a way that fits, and it's not like I opened up a lot of new possibilities. In the band interview, we mentioned how we did the recording and pre-production for 'ABHOR GOD' simultaneously. Basically, while I was creating the phrases, the members were listening and saying things like, 'How about this?' and then we recorded it on the spot. It was like, 'This has a live feel to it,' so we did it at that level. It was a recording where we built on what we had accumulated."

■ Interviewer: It's rare for the GazettE to handle irregular situations like that, but you managed well.

Kai: "If I could have my way, I'd prefer to spend time in the studio as usual, creating phrases instinctively, then thinking them over, communicating with the members, and making adjustments. So, I felt a bit less cautious this time (laughs). Naturally, I wished we could have taken more time."

■ Interviewer: On the other hand, it might have resulted in boldness that you wouldn't usually have.

Kai: "Yes, that might have brought some momentum. We ended up doing what we wanted. Normally, around this time, I’d be a bit tired of listening to the recordings. But now, I still have a pure listener's perspective and am engaging with 'NINTH' as a regular listener. Since the drum parts weren't meticulously crafted through detailed discussions, it feels fresh."

■ Interviewer: So all parts were created simultaneously.

Kai: "Yes. For example, with the tom rolls after the chorus in 'ABHOR GOD,' I thought about whether to make the phrases more structured for live performance or to let it flow more naturally, not too structured. I could only communicate with the members on the spot, and we decided on the latter, making it less structured. The other option was to use only toms, but we included a lot of snare too. But that made the snare parts feel too structured, so we decided against it. I ended up saying, 'I'll just play it roughly,' and when I did, they said, 'That works.'"

■ Interviewer: Although it was necessary, hearing such playstyles now is fresh and exciting for listeners.

Kai: "Yes, though other parts were similar. It wasn’t as rushed, but it was certainly tight. Instead of detailed listening, we quickly judged whether something was good or not. It was judged by the composers, usually, they might ask for specific rolls at certain points, but this time it was more abstract like, 'No, that's not quite right.'"

■ Interviewer: Honestly, it sounds tough (laughs).

Kai: "Well, yes (laughs). And when I tried a different approach, they'd say, 'Yeah, that's fine,' and that would be it."

■ Interviewer: Even though you were working under tight time constraints, there must have been a sense of mutual understanding and trust, like knowing what each other meant without needing to explain everything.

Kai: "Probably (laughs). That was the case with "Utsusemi" that Aoi composed. It required a lot of live drumming nuances that can't be captured by programming. Listening to Aoi, I understood he wanted those ghost notes, volume dynamics, and so on. It wasn't the phrase itself that was an issue but the way it was played. We communicated using programmed data, but it was clear we needed live recording. This level of understanding is a result of our 16 years together."

■ Interviewer: It was a method that worked precisely because of your long experience together.

Kai: "I think so. I wouldn't want to do it this way every time (laughs). But there were good aspects to it."

■ Interviewer: Though the recording process changed significantly, you still recorded the drums traditionally, right?

Kai: "Yes. For me, recording drums at home wouldn’t work."

■ Interviewer: For parts like those in 'UNFINISHED' and the straightforward beats in 'Utsusemi' did you feel more liberated as a drummer?

Kai: "When I first listened to 'UNFINISHED,' I didn't have any issues with the play or the phrases. I felt the same about 'Utsusemi' at first, but the B-melody’s groove was surprisingly tricky. It might seem easy to others, but for me, it was challenging. Musically, I tend to lean towards dotted eighth-note feels, but this time, it was more triplet-based. This created a mental block for me, as I naturally gravitate towards that dotted feel. Trying to swing it slightly made the song sound completely different."

■ Interviewer: Ah, I see.

Kai: "It didn’t fit at all. With the atmospheric arpeggio, my part felt oddly cheerful and out of place (laughs). This kind of difficulty is common with Uruha and Aoi’s songs. But with RUKI’s songs, I don't encounter that as much. It might be due to the different musical roots we've listened to or the fundamental differences in how we perceive rhythm."

■ Interviewer: With Uruha’s compositions, like "THE MORTAL" or "BABYLON'S TABOO."

Kai: "For 'BABYLON'S TABOO,' he brought a drum loop rhythm and said, 'This is the kind of drum feel I want.' The sound was unusual, quite percussive. It was a loop with sounds like roto-toms and a dry kick, not quite live. So, I had to think about how to replicate that feel in live play. Even the cymbals in the loop were very electronic. So, I started by communicating with Uruha. If he wanted a very electronic feel, I thought we might even consider using only pads."

■ Interviewer: I see, that's the approach you took.

Kai: "When we play 'BABYLON'S TABOO' live, I thought it might be better to use a drum pad on the side instead of a traditional drum set, but after talking it over, that wasn’t the image we wanted. So, I interpreted it as needing to rework the drums to fit that atmosphere. The main sound would be live drums, but there were parts where that wouldn't work. For example, after the chorus, Uruha wanted the toms to come through, but the phrase required more than just two arms. So, I decided to keep the live drums for the hi-hat, kick, and snare, but use programming for the toms after the chorus. How to handle this in a live setting is something we'll have to figure out, but it evolved from a very programmed sound to its current form."

■ Interviewer: I see. "BABYLON'S TABOO" has a seductive, ritualistic mood.

Kai: "When we were selecting songs, we specifically asked Uruha to compose a song with this feel. We thought this was Uruha's forte, and we asked him for a song that doesn’t fully climax. That’s how this song was created."

■ Interviewer: A song that intentionally doesn’t fully climax—interesting.

Kai: "Yes. Everyone understood that keyword, so I created my phrases to align with that. Similar to 'ABHOR GOD,' the idea was to bring out a nostalgic feel. I'm not sure if this is the right word, but I aimed for something beyond what words can describe."

■ Interviewer: While you show a low, grounded groove, "Uragiru Bero" features a fast beat, reminiscent of your early indie days.

Kai: "That's right. When I listen to music by younger bands, including those overseas, I often find them really skillful and impressive in terms of how many tricks they have up their sleeves. In that context, I don't have a wide variety of drum patterns, and as I said earlier, I don't deliberately try to expand my repertoire. But the GazettE has done various types of songs over the years, and I’ve adapted to them. My stance has always been to do whatever I can, and 'Uragiru Bero' is one of those tracks. If we were to do something like bossa nova or blues, then I’d think about expanding my repertoire (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: That’s hard to imagine (laughs).

Kai: "Haha! My goal is always to match the composer’s image as closely as possible, and if I can, surpass their expectations. I wish we had more time, but even if we did, I don't think the songs would have changed significantly. In the latter half of the recording, we worked on some tracks without vocals, but we have absolute trust in each other. Even if I couldn’t imagine the vocals, I knew they’d be great, so it was something to look forward to."

■ Interviewer: So, have you been listening to the finished product a lot?

Kai: "Recently, I've been listening to it constantly."

■ Interviewer: Since the final version took longer to come together, does it feel fresher than usual?

Kai: "Usually, by this time, I’m a bit tired of listening to the tracks repeatedly. I’d be listening with a more critical ear, thinking about how to perform certain parts live. But now, I’m still approaching 'NINTH' as a pure listener."

■ Interviewer: It’s your first original album since "DOGMA." Did the experience of making "TRACES VOL.2," which involved a lot of work from the members themselves, influence this album?

Kai: "Well, let’s see... not really. The recording process for that was very unique, so it didn’t affect me much. However, Uruha did all the engineering for 'TRACES VOL.2,' and that experience led him to want to handle some engineering himself this time (he engineered '99.999,' 'THE MORTAL,' and 'BABYLON'S TABOO')."

■ Interviewer: So, did revisiting your older songs from the "Dainippon Itangeisha" era during live performances provide any inspiration?

Kai: "It’s less about the specific songs and more about the phrases. It’s like, ‘Oh, we used to do stuff like this,’ so there might be some influence in that sense. I didn’t set out to reflect anything specific from those songs in the new album, but organizing live events like 'Boudouku Gudon no Sakura' and 'BURST INTO A BLAZE 3' brought back nostalgic tracks that we performed live… so that process might have influenced some of the phrases."

■ Interviewer: It must have been somewhat stimulating to revisit those early impulses that you might not be able to capture now.

Kai: "Yeah, when we play them now, the way we perceive the sounds is different. There are phrases where I think, ‘Oh, this is nice,’ and it’s hard to explain, but there’s a sense of timing unique to that period."

■ Interviewer: Timing, you say.

Kai: "Yes. The spacing between phrases, the way we handled the ‘ma’ (space), I found it to be quite good upon revisiting. It's probably at an unconscious level rather than something deliberate."

■ Interviewer: Those live performances were special, and I’m sure they left an impression. Many fans likely saw those songs as sealed away.

Kai: "As a band, we’ve always looked back to some extent. Not in a negative way, but we believe that the present is built on past experiences, so it’s impossible not to reflect on the past. Whether we show it straightforwardly or in a different mode varies, but we do reflect on it. But I was a bit surprised when Ruki suggested ''Boudouku Gudon no Sakura"."

■ Interviewer: That period was considered separate, right?

Kai: "Yes… exactly. It was an idea that went beyond what we understood up to that point. It was like, 'We're going that far?' I was surprised, but when we actually did it, it didn't seem so strange. So, in various ways, we've been reflecting on our past. At the same time, we have a fundamental desire to look forward and create new things. The GazettE is a band that can't neglect its past. There are some artists who can completely cut off their past and say, 'This is what I want to do now,' and I think that's a valid approach. They might have said something in the past but now say it doesn't matter anymore, but I don’t think that’s possible for the GazettE."

■ Interviewer: That’s partly because the GazettE is a band that has grown from the indie scene and carries the sentiments of the fans who have walked with you all this time.

Kai: "Of course, that's a big part of it. We pride ourselves on being a live band, so each song is directly connected to our live performances. While we fundamentally want to keep looking forward and creating new things, we are a band that can't neglect our past. It's not just about us; it's a space that only exists because there are people who empathize with us and appreciate us. Essentially, we're not just a recording band. That's why we have an inseparable relationship with our fans."

■ Interviewer: The creation process for this album has evolved, but it seems that the GazettE still retains its old-school mindset. RUKI often describes it as having a “gritty” quality.

"Exactly. We've really remained unchanged since the old days. This time, the album is simply our ninth one, hence the title 'NINTH.' For the GazettE, that simplicity is actually quite surprising, I think (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Indeed (laughs).

Kai: "For us, it’s a very natural progression."

■ Interviewer: In terms of essence, it feels similar to when you made 'BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY,' where you returned to the GazettE's roots.

Kai: "Ah… that one didn't have a grand concept either, and the content wasn't biased; it had various songs. It was a quintessential GazettE album at that time. Certainly, it's a similar work. For albums with a more defined direction or concept, there’s 'DIVISION' and 'DOGMA'... and also 'DIM.' Well, 'DIM' ended up being what it was. That atmosphere... (laughs). It’s not negative, but it strongly reflected our state at the time. 'DOGMA' was deliberately made with a specific concept, and 'DIVISION' was a conceptual album aimed at blending styles with a digital taste. Looking back, those albums are rather unique."

■ Interviewer: The conceptual nature of 'DOGMA' and 'DIVISION' often makes them seem like the main essence of the GazettE.

Kai: "Yes. But if you take a step back, you should realize that the GazettE does many different things. Actually, there's another core principle that we stick to."

■ Interviewer: I think 'NINTH' is an album that reaffirms that.

Kai: "Yes. But I totally understand the sentiment. Even I was searching for a concept for this album at first, before 'Falling' was created. When we were making the promotional videos, I was looking for something that would define the next album. So when 'NINTH' became the official title, it felt very right to me."

■ Interviewer: Yes, I also searched for various interpretations of the album title.

Kai: "Right (laughs). Looking back now, 'BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY' definitely happened because of 'DIVISION,' and 'NINTH' is happening because of 'DOGMA'… Each experience we've had creates its own unique color, so it naturally reflects the essence of that time. For instance, if we had released something like 'BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY' right after 'DIVISION,' following 'DOGMA,' I think this 'NINTH' would have been a completely different album. That’s very GazettE-like, not disregarding the past. After releasing 'DOGMA,' we wanted to release a ballad best-of album. Normally, people might think, 'A ballad best-of album? That’s impossible.' But because it came after 'DOGMA,' it made sense. 'Oh, I kind of want to listen to that,' you know (laughs)."

■ Interviewer: Your body must have been craving it (laughs).

Kai: "Exactly. The reason 'NINTH' took this shape is because it came after such a conceptual project."

■ Interviewer: The GazettE is a band that does what they like freely at any given moment.

Kai: "Yes, that’s the main principle. Basically, no one wants to do things they don’t like. I think all artists share that at a fundamental level."

■ Interviewer: Releasing 'NINTH' now and looking back at the flow of everything so far, it feels like the essence of this band has become clearer than ever.

Kai: "In that sense, this album should be very easy for fans to embrace. I hope they listen to it without any preconceived notions."

■ Interviewer: Moreover, I think people who have only had a vague impression of the GazettE until now might also take this opportunity to get to know them through this work.

Kai: "Yes, I think so too. When you look at the artwork of this album, you can feel the atmosphere and imagine various things. While it retains that GazettE-like essence, I hope people can listen to 'NINTH' with a fresh perspective, free from preconceived notions, and feel it as the latest album from the GazettE."

#the gazette #ninth #interview translations #ninth reference book #babylon #scans

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