#how to overcome driving anxiety

[badolmen]

“It’s all good!” It is not all good.

[menkhu]

brain scans and cognitive tests are neat

[astrogossipp]

saturn notes. 🪬

Disclaimer. these observations do not have to resonate with everyone and everything, all expressed in this post is based on personal experience and research.

"Saturn in the birth chart symbolises how an individual faces challenges, handles responsibilities and works towards their growth. Saturn also represents long term achievements and what you get later in your life after some struggle."

masterlist🐈‍⬛

🪬 aries saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Aries tend to be cautious and reserved, often avoiding risks due to a fear of failure and rejection. They may experience health issues related to circulation, kidneys, and frequent headaches. These individuals often assume significant responsibilities early in life, leading to considerable anxiety when asserting their rights and seeking control over situations. Anger can be a challenge for them, and developing self-reliance is crucial for their success. In their youth, they may struggle with self-expression and managing their emotions, such as anger, and may have a fear of various things, including heights or medical procedures. However, as they mature, they often become more courageous and open, overcoming their initial fears and becoming more confident in expressing themselves. Saturn's placement in Aries can create inner tension and conflict, making it difficult for these individuals to fully trust their abilities and leading to a solitary nature. They may prefer working independently over collaborating with others, which can sometimes hinder their professional growth. Over time, they can evolve into effective leaders, though they may still retain a preference for working alone. Their self-perception often leads them to take on more work than necessary, driven by a sense of responsibility and the desire to be seen as capable. This self-sacrificing attitude can lead to stress and headaches. A key lesson for them is to assert their own goals, embrace self-discipline, and practice self-love. Their focus on personal achievement may obstruct teamwork, and they might encounter difficulties in relationships and marriage due to their strong-willed nature. When Saturn is poorly aspected, these individuals may face significant obstacles and conflicts, which can strain their social connections and personal relationships. They might also experience impatience and frustration, leading to potential destructive behaviors if not managed well. Despite these challenges, they are often determined and capable, with a strong drive for success and a keen ability to handle creative and organizational tasks. To thrive, they need to balance their ambition with patience and learn to work harmoniously with others. While their intense focus and drive can lead to significant accomplishments, they should be cautious not to let their impatience and tendency towards self-centeredness undermine their efforts. Engaging in physical activities can help manage stress and maintain emotional balance.

🪬 taurus saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Taurus tend to exhibit traits such as possessiveness, loyalty, jealousy, stubbornness, and discipline. They possess notable endurance and are willing to exert substantial effort to achieve their goals. A profound need for emotional and financial security characterizes them, and they approach decisions with careful consideration, avoiding impulsiveness. Practical management of finances is crucial for them. Health issues may include problems with the throat, speech, and possible headaches. In their early years, they may struggle with expressing their worth and fear financial instability. They might have difficulty enjoying luxuries or feeling valued, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy. As they mature, they often find ways to appreciate financial stability and personal value. They set strict boundaries for themselves and tend to be frugal, spending only on necessities. Saturn's influence in Taurus can lead to a heightened sense of insecurity regarding finances and possessions. These individuals may have experienced financial instability in their upbringing, contributing to their cautious approach toward wealth. They are hardworking, patient, and disciplined, often demonstrating a strong work ethic and methodical realism. A negative aspect of this placement may involve extreme caution, jealousy, and materialistic tendencies, potentially leading to difficulties in relationships and a rigid attitude towards wealth. Despite this, individuals with Saturn in Taurus can also exhibit significant resilience, patience, and a pragmatic approach to life. They may become wise and reliable, showing exceptional endurance and dedication to their goals.Positive development of this placement can foster artistic interests and a balanced perspective on security. However, they should be cautious of becoming overly materialistic or isolating themselves. Building personal security and understanding true values are essential for their overall well-being. Their methodical and disciplined approach to work often leads to long-term success, though they should guard against overemphasizing material concerns at the expense of personal happiness and flexibility.

🪬 gemini saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Gemini are characterized by a rational, organized, and often emotionally detached demeanor. Early in life, they may face challenges in communication and education, leading to doubts about their abilities. Despite their constant stream of new ideas, they may hesitate to venture into unfamiliar territory. They generally excel in analytical fields such as mathematics and science but struggle with social interactions and public speaking. Feelings of isolation and nervous tension may also be prevalent. Health concerns can include issues with the lungs and throat. This placement of Saturn enhances practicality, fostering logical thinking and effective problem-solving skills. Saturn's position in Gemini, being in its triplicity, supports intellectual pursuits and allows for quick comprehension and organizational abilities. Individuals with this placement are often drawn to intellectually stimulating professions, communication, and writing. However, if Saturn forms challenging aspects, particularly with Mercury or the Ascendant, it can exacerbate difficulties in communication, potentially leading to speech impediments or a reduced adaptability. There might also be a tendency to feel undervalued or naive, impacting social interactions. Despite these challenges, Saturn in Gemini can yield significant intellectual strengths, including a keen ability to retain information and a propensity for deep thinking. Overcoming fears related to social interactions can lead to success in communication, writing, and speaking. These individuals need to cultivate self-confidence and trust in their intuition. They often find fulfillment in fields that involve science, physics, mathematics, or engineering. While their flexibility and quick intellectual grasp are assets, they should avoid becoming overly fixated on minor details at the expense of the bigger picture. In their career and personal development, these individuals might excel in roles that require problem-solving and analytical skills, such as research or teaching. They should manage their workload carefully to avoid burnout and ensure they maintain a balance between their intellectual pursuits and personal well-being. With appropriate discipline and methodical thinking, they can achieve significant success and find pleasure in continuous learning and problem-solving.

🪬 cancer saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Cancer often require affirmation of their worth and affection. They may become preoccupied with compensating for a lack of love experienced in childhood. These individuals might struggle to express their emotions openly and may grapple with feelings of guilt regarding past actions. Overcoming emotional insecurities and old traumas is crucial for their success. They tend to manage challenging situations effectively but must learn to address their emotional wounds and practice empathy and responsibility. Health issues related to the chest, breasts, and stomach can arise, and these individuals may find it difficult to let go of significant emotional experiences. Although Saturn's placement in Cancer can be challenging, it offers an opportunity for learning to process and release emotions healthily. These individuals might experience mood swings and fear of abandonment, leading to withdrawal from close relationships and potential difficulties in showing warmth. In relationships, they may struggle to express their feelings, which can lead to feelings of loneliness or being unloved. Their fears of abandonment and concerns about the future are prominent. If Saturn is adversely aspected, heightened sensitivity and isolation from family may occur. However, these individuals have the potential to provide emotional security in partnerships, family, and their careers. Saturn in Cancer may result in internal conflict between personal goals and emotional struggles, leading to anxiety and difficulties. They often display persistence and diligence but may face challenges related to emotional vulnerability and material security. Negative aspects of this placement can lead to procrastination, blame-shifting, and isolation, while positive development fosters conscientiousness, resilience, and a strong sense of duty. These individuals might be inclined toward managing domestic environments and may show an interest in real estate or applied arts. They can experience deep dissatisfaction and emotional sensitivity combined with external reserve and strength. Balancing discipline with emotional expression is essential, and they may struggle with detachment from material possessions. Understanding and addressing these internal and external challenges is crucial for their personal growth and stability.

🪬 leo saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Leo possess significant creative potential but may struggle to express it fully. They are often admired and loved, though they tend to avoid the spotlight and may adopt a guarded demeanor to protect their emotions. Their cautious and reserved nature is coupled with a strong will, but feelings of inadequacy can undermine their efforts. To thrive, they need to work on their self-esteem, creativity, and ability to balance humility with their personal ambitions. These individuals may face health issues related to the heart, spine, and back. Early in life, they might have felt a lack of recognition and approval, which can make them overly concerned with others' opinions during their younger years. However, as they mature, they have the capacity to develop a robust sense of self that is less affected by external validation. In their professional lives, they are driven towards success and may achieve considerable recognition due to their dedication and exceptional work ethic. Despite their pride, their insecurities can limit their opportunities. They may feel that they matured too quickly, missing out on a carefree youth, and this can impact their approach to relationships and self-expression. Saturn's placement in Leo, associated with strong ego traits, may lead them to either embrace humility or struggle with self-centeredness. Their drive for success is intense, often focusing on gaining power and respect. While they can be reliable and warm, their ambition can sometimes overshadow the needs and interests of others. These individuals may find themselves preoccupied with their appearance and strive for personal excellence in their careers and finances. They often have a deep well of inner strength and talent but may struggle to fully realize their potential. They might find it challenging to express their creativity and self-identity, leading to a feeling of unrealized potential. Their desire for recognition can lead them to push their children or others to achieve, possibly as a way to compensate for their own perceived failures. They show a strong interest in creative endeavors and the development of skills, though they may sometimes overextend themselves in these pursuits. To succeed, they should focus on promoting others' talents and practice humility, avoiding a dictatorial approach and recognizing the value of patience and support in nurturing creativity and success.

🪬 virgo saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Virgo are known for their observant, responsible, and practical nature. They may experience learning difficulties and nervous issues, and they often possess a highly critical self-view. These individuals excel in research and strategic thinking but may underestimate their own abilities. A strong preference for routine and order characterizes their lives. A key lesson for them is to understand that perfection is not a prerequisite for success. They should focus on distinguishing what is truly important and cease excessive self-criticism. Health issues may be linked to the abdominal area, particularly the small intestine. In childhood, they might have been preoccupied with others' opinions and sensitive to criticism, leading to hurt feelings. Over time, they may learn to trust their own judgment more. Their challenge lies in maintaining a balance between self-care and daily responsibilities, and embracing self-belief. While these individuals often strive for perfection and may fear making mistakes, they can benefit from avoiding overwork and excessive concern over minor issues. Their analytical and organizational skills are notable, though they may struggle with personal relationships and emotional expression. Their intellectual focus can sometimes overshadow their emotional needs. This placement may be less favorable for love and marriage due to a tendency to neglect emotional aspects in favor of intellectual pursuits. Individuals with Saturn in Virgo might excel in careers that require deep analysis, such as psychology or therapy. They exhibit a strong sense of duty, responsibility, and a critical approach to new challenges. Their professional demeanor is often serious and reserved, earning them a reputation for reliability. In extreme cases, this placement can lead to an excessive focus on details, resulting in psychological strain and dissatisfaction. Outside of work, they might feel a sense of uselessness or boredom if not engaged in meaningful activities. A stable and orderly environment is essential for their well-being. They are often perceived as disciplined, ethical, and hardworking, with a strong inclination towards practical and analytical tasks.

🪬 libra saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Libra exhibit diplomatic and fair qualities, often preferring cooperation to competition. They may struggle with feelings of inferiority and a fear of rejection, leading them to avoid those who show interest in them. This can impact their relationships, as they desire solid connections but might not always adhere to the standards they set for themselves. Achieving a balance between affection and discipline is crucial for them. These individuals are typically responsible and serious about their commitments but may find decision-making, especially in relationships, challenging. They are known for their diplomatic nature, tact, and balanced judgment, making them well-suited for roles that require fairness and cooperation, such as in legal professions. Health concerns may include issues with the kidneys, intestines, and back. Those with Saturn in Libra often marry later in life or choose partners who are older. When Saturn is positively aspected, these individuals may attain positions of wealth due to their cooperative abilities. However, adverse aspects can lead to selfish behavior, which may harm their reputation. Their sensitivity to external influences makes them adept mediators. They tend to regulate their emotional lives with reason, though negative aspects of Saturn can result in critical attitudes and emotional detachment. Their pursuit of perfection might lead to high demands in relationships and a potentially outdated view of marriage. They may also feel that they will never find a partner who meets their standards. Individuals with this placement often excel in artistic or creative endeavors, achieving great success if they are organized, reliable, and tactful in their professions. They are particularly anxious about chaos or unpleasantness and might become frustrated with others who do not share their perspective. They are inclined to say yes even when they wish to decline, which can be a weakness. Learning to set boundaries and say no to those who do not appreciate their qualities is important for their well-being. Saturn in Libra benefits from the harmonious influence of Venus, its ruling planet, enhancing their determination and reliability. Despite their many strengths, these individuals must work diligently to maintain successful relationships. They are generally capable of attracting impressive people and are skilled at drawing out the right information, leaving others feeling valued. Women with Saturn in Libra often become more graceful and dignified, maintaining their principles with steadfastness. They are generous and sociable, driven by a desire to connect with diverse people. When they find a partner who values their innovative spirit, they can offer unconditional love and full affection. However, patience is essential to avoid toxic relationships. Learning to let go of relationships that are not right is a key area for personal growth. Their curiosity and logical approach to understanding things are notable, although they may also exhibit harshness and volatility.

🪬 scorpio saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Scorpio are characterized by traits such as intensity, passion, determination, and a strong will. They often demand much from themselves and others, driven by a deep reservoir of energy and willpower. Despite their resilience, they can struggle with jealousy, impatience, and a desire for control, which may stem from challenging early life experiences where they felt powerless or misunderstood. Health issues related to the reproductive system and intestinal obstructions are possible concerns for those with this placement. Emotionally, they may battle with feelings of being unseen and unappreciated, which can lead to struggles with letting others take control. The intense journey of self-discovery and seeking purpose is a hallmark of this placement, transforming their life experiences profoundly. Saturn in Scorpio individuals are often seen as secretive and difficult to understand due to their reserved nature. They must confront negative traits like stubbornness, resentment, and ruthlessness. Learning to manage these intense emotions and desires is crucial, as is developing trust and recognizing the good in others. The path can be fraught with conflict and hardship, especially if Saturn is poorly aspected, leading to resentment and a lack of self-control. Despite these challenges, these individuals possess remarkable perseverance and a strong will, making them highly capable of achieving their goals. Their intense nature means they approach everything with great passion and determination, often thriving on overcoming obstacles. However, the pursuit of material success can have negative consequences if not balanced with emotional health. Their natural inclination to deeply understand and heal makes them excellent listeners and potential counselors or metaphysical practitioners. They must learn to face their fears and let go of what no longer serves them, recognizing the impermanence of life. This journey involves significant personal growth and transformation, enabling them to tap into an internal source of power that can be channeled positively. In relationships, both men and women with Saturn in Scorpio tend to be possessive and deeply committed, struggling with jealousy and the fear of betrayal. They may keep their true feelings and insecurities hidden, striving for mental discipline and self-control. This placement can lead to great personal and financial success if they can learn to manage their intense emotions and desires effectively. Ultimately, embracing their unique path and overcoming insecurities is vital for those with Saturn in Scorpio, allowing them to achieve their true dreams and desires in life.

🪬 sagittarius saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Sagittarius are often drawn to travel and learning. Many of them, having missed out on formal education, pursue self-teaching. They can become disenchanted with traditional authority, often relying on their intuition to guide them. This placement can manifest in open honesty or, conversely, in carelessness, rebellion, and indecisiveness. Their philosophical or religious views may be rigid, necessitating a thorough testing of their theories. Health concerns for these individuals may include muscle issues, hip problems, sciatica, and liver conditions. Early life for Saturn in Sagittarius natives may be marked by a lack of joy and difficulty in finding life's meaning, leading to a sense of unfulfillment. However, their willingness to share knowledge is a notable strength. Over time, they find happiness in various aspects of life and often become more radiant than others. They tend to have strong philosophical and religious interests, which can influence their career choices. This placement endows individuals with popularity due to their tolerance and open-mindedness. Negatively, they can be cynical, dogmatic, and insincere. They require proof before believing in anything, and they relish adventures and challenges. Fear of losing freedom makes them wary of commitments, and Saturn teaches them through experiences where their freedom is restricted. They may lack endurance and consistency in their goals but have a strong desire for recognition, sometimes leading to hasty actions with negative outcomes. Spiritual maturity typically arrives later in life, often through meditation and self-reflection. Saturn in Sagittarius individuals have a penchant for teaching and spiritual literature, seeking peaceful environments for growth. They are constantly accumulating knowledge and aim for mastery in their endeavors. Their intense focus and passion for learning are beneficial if balanced with experiencing life around them. Careers in education, personal coaching, or religious leadership suit them well. Their dependability and loyalty make them valued friends, and with maturity, they develop diplomacy that aids their progress. Challenges associated with this placement foster growth through persistence and hard work. Their optimism in the face of setbacks is a key asset, helping them navigate difficult times and enjoy the good ones. They are eager to understand the spiritual purpose of life and connect with like-minded individuals. In love, they prioritize their partner's happiness and enjoy planning surprises. Their quest for knowledge and wisdom is relentless, and they approach their work with passion and energy. These individuals are highly intellectual, preferring to master one subject before moving on to the next. They speak their minds fearlessly, which can challenge relationship expectations. However, they may be inflexible in their existential beliefs, requiring substantial proof to change their views. The best romantic partners for them are those who provide comfort and uplift them, understanding their need for exploration. Regular exercise, a consistent sleep routine, and mindful relationship choices can enhance their well-being. Recognizing anxiety and struggles as opportunities for growth is crucial for finding fulfillment. They must be cautious of tendencies towards excessive ambition, cynicism, or sarcasm, especially in relationships.

🪬 capricorn saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Capricorn are characterized by their ambition, fairness, and impartiality. They possess a strong sense of duty and have a deep-seated fear of their efforts going unrecognized. These individuals seldom take time to relax, instead, they are charming and persistent in pursuing their goals and feel a compelling need to control their environment. This placement often leads to a relentless work ethic, primarily for the benefit of others, with a significant emphasis on financial security and self-sufficiency. They easily take on responsibility, often doubting that others can meet their high standards. Health concerns for Saturn in Capricorn natives may include issues with the skeleton, knees, and skin. During childhood, they may have felt a lack of parental presence, particularly from their father. These individuals take their responsibilities seriously and place great value on planning. They often had many chores and adult responsibilities as children, leading them to mature faster than their peers. The weight of life's burdens can feel heavy, as if they are carrying the world on their shoulders, but they typically achieve significant goals and enjoy successful careers later in life. Women with this placement often shine brightly and exude natural confidence, attracting others with their charisma. They feel the burden of commitment and responsibility deeply, maintaining extremely high standards for themselves and others. This can stem from distant or challenging relationships with their fathers. Saturn in Capricorn individuals tend to be reserved, serious, and sometimes cold or selfish. They may struggle with melancholy and pessimism, showing little interest in distractions, pleasures, or marriage. Instead, they pursue serious goals with great consistency, striving for respected positions through excellent performance. Balancing work and leisure can be challenging, and feelings of loneliness or inadequacy may drive them to work excessively. Their strong desire for power and success can lead to selfishness. However, this period is an opportunity to balance needs and wants, finding self-fulfillment. These individuals are encouraged to express gratitude to those who support their journey, recognizing their own strengths and weaknesses. Those born with Saturn in Capricorn exhibit enormous discipline and personal strength when they are fully engaged in their pursuits. They excel in resource management and strategic planning, thriving when their personal goals align with those around them. Overcoming resentment or jealousy, especially concerning status or wealth, is crucial. They seek respect and serious recognition from peers, often aspiring to become authorities themselves. Success, for Saturn in Capricorn individuals, is understood to require effort and diligence. Planning for the future, building strong foundations, and hard work are essential themes. Their dependable and hardworking nature, coupled with tenacity, propels them far in life, despite a constant awareness of the potential for failure. The burden of commitment and responsibility often leads to high standards for themselves and others. Childhood experiences of distant parental relationships contribute to their serious and sometimes cold demeanor. Despite a tendency towards melancholy and pessimism, they remain focused on achieving their goals through consistent effort. Balancing work with relaxation is crucial to avoid loneliness and inadequacy. The drive for power and success can manifest as selfishness, but recognizing and addressing these tendencies can lead to a fulfilling and successful life.

🪬 aquarius saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Aquarius are innovative and original yet maintain a conservative approach. They often perceive the future as challenging and work diligently to better society. They require a platform to express their ideas and face the challenge of growing through openness and fairness. Success demands a tolerant and unbiased public attitude. While they need structure, they embrace unconventionality and may struggle to form friendships. Admitting their feelings and developing intuition and independent thinking are essential for their growth. Maintaining the health of their circulatory and nervous systems, as well as their heart, is important. During early childhood, these individuals may have felt like outsiders, unaccepted by society or friend groups, possibly due to their intelligence. They have a natural ability to identify people who can help drive change. As natural leaders, others often rely on them, and they build strong foundations that benefit both themselves and their communities. However, they may experience difficulties with friendships and feel they do not fit in, preferring to be selective about their associations. Letting go of control and trusting the universe can help them realize their dreams and learn from others. They might be intrigued by the forbidden. Although generally people-friendly and sympathetic, understanding others' needs can be challenging. Learning tolerance and practicing forgiveness are crucial. They employ order, organization, discipline, and tact in unconventional ways, and their ability to see things from a new perspective is a strength. However, they can be serious, impersonal, distant, and overly scientific. Negatively, they can be bossy, cold, and prone to anger when faced with opposition. Overcoming the fear of failure is vital to achieving their dreams. Saturn in Aquarius individuals are flexible, justice-loving, compassionate, and service-oriented. They have a strong desire to lead and guide others. This placement endows them with a powerful concentration, working hard for personal and communal betterment. They are impartial, considering all sides before making rational decisions, but can be socially isolated due to pride. There may be tendencies toward addiction. For success, they must adopt a tolerant, impartial public attitude and develop intuition and original thinking. Applying these skills practically enhances their happiness. They can appear cold in relationships, always seeking truth and understanding the broader picture. Loyalty is a hallmark in friendships, and maintaining a good social status is crucial. A well-aspected Saturn brings high concentration, strong intellect, and initial success, often through innovative ideas and social reforms. Conversely, a poorly aspected Saturn can lead to egoism and spiritual arrogance. Tolerance and forgiveness are necessary for inner peace. Generally, Saturn in Aquarius individuals can foresee environmental impacts, enabling quick decision-making. They are effective leaders, known and loved by others, and exhibit persistence and patience. They find success in psychology, sociology, journalism, invention, and literature. They must overcome intellectual and spiritual arrogance, consistently developing selflessness.

🪬 pisces saturn

Individuals with Saturn in Pisces tend to see the negative side of things and feel a strong compulsion to help others. They often struggle with examining and accepting their past, which is essential for their growth. Building self-confidence is a critical task for them. They need to avoid getting overly involved in others' problems, reduce defensiveness, and trust their intuition. Health concerns may include issues with their feet and lymphatic system. In early childhood, these individuals often felt unnoticed and unappreciated, with their talents going unrecognized. They may have faced false accusations and frequent injustices, leading to a sense of isolation. Living in their own world was a common escape from harsh realities. Over time, they develop a stronger connection with their subconscious, though they may still grapple with past issues. Their vivid imagination can enhance their writing skills. However, their tendency to take things personally often results in self-imposed isolation and self-pity. With Saturn in Pisces, setting boundaries and maintaining discipline can be challenging. Everyday life may sometimes feel overwhelming and disorganized, leading to feelings of being lost. These individuals are intuitive, empathetic, sensitive, imaginative, and self-sacrificing. As practical idealists, they might take life too seriously, believing current problems stem from past actions. They may find fulfillment working behind the scenes, such as in research or institutions. Prone to indecision and moodiness, they often react emotionally to negative situations and people. If they perceive failure or unfair treatment, it can lead to depression. Developing confidence in the future and letting go of the past are crucial. Sharing their experiences can facilitate soul growth. Letting others in can help overcome feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and anxiety, leading to a more fulfilling life. They have a strong affinity for creative fields like art or spirituality and are likely to pursue careers in these areas. Despite appearing confident, they may secretly lack self-assurance and seek a bright future. To improve their well-being, they should clear their minds, go with the flow, and avoid restlessness, defensiveness, and overthinking. Establishing a regular sleep routine is beneficial, as sleep problems are common. Their advice is often valuable, and they understand that soul awakening is a gradual process. Women with this placement may prefer quiet, introspective activities over social gatherings. These individuals are spiritual and may get lost in daydreams. They should stop blaming themselves and avoid negative energy. While they are empathetic towards others, they often lack self-awareness and undervalue themselves. They can achieve success in literature, scientific research, or metaphysics but may have a tendency toward depression, chronic illnesses, and mental disorders. Though some may be escapists, Saturn in Pisces individuals are idealistic and compassionate. They recognize the world's problems and believe they can help. They might experience deep fears of abandonment but will find joy in their own company. Such individuals often feel the need for support and may appear unreliable and emotionally isolated. With positive development, they become conscientious, sympathetic, understanding, and kind-hearted. Despite their loyalty and tolerance, their contributions may go unrecognized. Their profound feelings and intellectual inspiration drive a need for complete self-surrender. They often live a life marked by loneliness, dreams, and unfulfilled hopes. Patience, reserve, and shyness are common traits, and there may be risks of alcoholism, drug addiction, or fascination with magic and ecstasy.

this post was created by @astrogossipp on tumblr <3 if reposting my work please give credits

[thewriteadviceforwriters]

Why Writers Don't Finish Writing Their Stories, and How to Fix It

Hello fellow writers and storytellers,

The journey of writing a story is an exhilarating adventure, but it's not without its share of obstacles. Many of us have embarked on a creative endeavor, only to find ourselves mired in the struggle to finish what we started. In this blog post, I'll unravel the common reasons why writers don't finish their stories and explore practical strategies to overcome these hurdles and reignite the flame of creativity.

The Perils of Unfinished Stories

As writers, we often find ourselves in the throes of unfinished tales, grappling with the intricate web of characters, plots, and themes. There are several reasons why the ink dries up and the story remains untold. Let's shine a light on the familiar adversaries that stand between us and the triumphant completion of our narratives:

1. Lack of Planning:

Some of us brazenly dive into our stories without a clear roadmap, resulting in uncertainty about the direction of the plot and the fate of our characters. The lack of a solid plan can lead us astray, leaving our stories wandering in the wilderness of aimlessness.

2. Self-Doubt and Perfectionism:

Ah, the relentless whispers of self-doubt and the siren call of perfectionism! These twin adversaries can cast a shadow over our creative vision, compelling us to endlessly revise and perfect the early chapters, trapping us in a whirlpool of perpetual edits.

3. Time Management:

Balancing the demands of daily life with the ardor of writing can be akin to walking a tightrope. The struggle to find consistent time for our craft often leaves our stories languishing in prolonged periods of inactivity, longing for the touch of our pen.

4. Writer's Block:

The mighty barrier that even the most intrepid writers encounter. Writer's block can be an insurmountable mountain, leaving us stranded in the valleys of creative drought, unable to breathe life into new ideas and narratives.

5. Lack of Motivation:

The flame that once burned brightly can flicker and wane over time, leaving us adrift in the murky waters of disillusionment. The initial excitement for our stories diminishes, making it arduous to stay committed to the crafting process.

6. Fear of Failure or Success:

The twin specters that haunt many writers' dreams. The apprehension of rejection and the unsettling prospect of life-altering success can tether us to the shores of hesitation, preventing us from reaching the shores of completion.

7. Criticism and Feedback Anxiety:

The looming dread of judgment casts a long shadow over our creative endeavors. The mere thought of receiving criticism or feedback, whether from peers or potential readers, can cast a cloud over our storytelling pursuits.

8. Plotting Challenges:

Crafting a cohesive and engaging plot is akin to navigating a labyrinth without a map. Faced with hurdles in connecting story elements, we may find ourselves lost in a maze of plot holes and unresolved threads.

9. Character Development Struggles:

Breathing life into multi-dimensional, relatable characters is a complex art. The intricate process of character development can become a quagmire, ensnaring us in the challenge of creating personas that drive the story forward. (Part one of Character Development Series)

10. Life Events and Distractions:

Unexpected events in our personal lives can cast ripples on our writing routines, interrupting the flow of our creativity and causing a loss of momentum.

Rallying Against the Odds: Strategies for Success

Now that we've confronted the adversaries that threaten to stall our storytelling odysseys, let's arm ourselves with strategies to conquer these barriers and reignite the flames of our creativity.

Embrace the Power of Planning:

A clear roadmap illuminates the path ahead. Arm yourself with outlines, character sketches, and plot maps to pave the way for your story's journey.

Vanquish Self-Doubt with Action:

Silence the voices of doubt with the power of progress. Embrace the imperfect beauty of your early drafts, knowing that every word brings you closer to the finish line.

Mastering the Art of Time:

Carve out sacred writing time in your schedule. Whether it’s ten minutes or two hours, every moment dedicated to your craft is a step forward.

Conquering Writer's Block:

Embrace the freedom of imperfection. Write, even if the words feel like scattered puzzle pieces. The act of writing can unravel the most stubborn knots of writer's block.

Reigniting the Flame of Motivation:

Seek inspiration in the wonders of the world. Reconnect with the heart of your story, rediscovering the passion that set your creative spirit ablaze.

Reshaping Fear into Fuel:

Embrace the uncertainty as an integral part of the creative journey. Embrace the lessons within rejection and prepare for the winds of change that success may bring.

Navigating the Realm of Criticism:

Embrace feedback as a catalyst for growth. Constructive criticism is a powerful ally, shaping your story into a work of art that resonates with readers.

Weaving the Threads of Plot:

Connect the dots with fresh eyes. Step back and survey the tapestry of your plot, seeking innovative solutions to bridge the gaps and untangle the knots.

Breathing Life into Characters:

Engage with your characters as if they were old friends. Dive into their depths, unraveling their quirks, fears, and dreams, and watch as they breathe life into your story.

Navigating Life's Tempests:

Embrace the ebb and flow of life. Every pause in your writing journey is a chance to gather new experiences and perspectives, enriching your storytelling tapestry.

The Ever-Resting Pen: Harnessing the Power Within

Fellow writers, the journey of completing a story is filled with peaks and valleys, each offering us the opportunity to sharpen our resolve and unleash our creative potential. As we stand at the crossroads, staring at the canvas of unfinished tales, let's rally against the odds, armed with the power of purpose, passion, and perseverance.

Let the ink flow once more, breathing life into tales left untold, and watch as your stories triumphantly reach their long-awaited conclusion. You possess the power to conquer the adversaries that stand in your way, and within you lies the essence of untold narratives waiting to unfurl onto the page.

Here's to the journey that lies ahead, the stories waiting to be written, and the unyielding spirit of creativity that thrives within each of us.

Warm regards and unwavering encouragement, Ren T.

[chibelial]

Mobile won’t let me add a read more so sorry for this. Don’t even read it Insound insane I’ll delete it later I just need to get words out of my head. Anxiety is literally in the way of everything I want I’m gonna blow this she already sees flaws it’s beginning. We can’t just be friends she doesn’t understand what’s in my head I have to have this. She’s so empty and she just wants to be filled with pain and I just want to give her that I want to love her and give her what she asked for until it destroys her, and then to just continue it Idc. She’s sick but it’s what she wants but my stupid anxiety my brain it refuses to let me make changes I can’t shut down I might lose her but I shut down so easily. Not surprising she’d cut it down to just being friends over something so small, it’s me. I’m already not enough small flaws ontop of that, it’s worse than a normal person with horrendous flaws. It’s a negative net value on pros and cons of me as a person. She’d be better off but I can’t let her go how could I release the one thing I look forward to I feel like my veins are full of fire and my fucking bones ache why does stress have to fuck your body up. I’m shaky and panicked and seething with rage I want to rend something apart into it’s smallest and most broken pieces possible she’s supposed to be mineee

[novlr]

How to write loneliness?

Loneliness is a universally shared emotion that shapes the psyche of your characters and the world they inhabit. It’s a silent force that can drive and change your characters, adding layers of complexity and pathos to their development. Here are some quick tips to write about characters experiencing loneliness.

Behaviour

May avoid social interactions.

Often choose to isolate themselves.

A lack of enthusiasm for activities they once enjoyed.

May appear distracted, distant, or aloof.

Neglect their personal appearance or living space.

Overuse technology or social media as a substitute for real-life interaction.

Engage in one-sided conversations with pets or inanimate objects.

Have a rigid routine that keeps them isolated.

Live vicariously through fictional characters in books and on TV.

Resist attempts by others to engage with them socially.

Interactions

Conversations may be brief, superficial, and lacking in depth.

Avoid eye contact and physically withdraw in social settings.

Miss social cues or respond inappropriately during interactions.

Exhibit envy or resentment towards those with strong social connections.

Overly formal or distant, even with friends.

React negatively to offers of companionship or help.

Express a cynical or negative view of relationships and friendships.

Display relief when social interactions are over.

Deflect personal questions and redirect the conversation.

Have a small social circle but lack a true confidant or intimate relationships.

Body language

Slumped shoulders or lowered head to avoid drawing attention.

Minimal or restrained gestures during conversations.

A fixed or blank expression, showing their detachment.

Fiddle with objects or their clothing as a self-soothing behaviour.

Cross their arms or legs defensively when approached.

Sit or stand at the edges of a group, physically distancing themselves.

Might have a nervous tick or habit when faced with social interaction.

Exhibit slow or lethargic movements, suggesting a lack of energy or interest.

Have a personal bubble they are reluctant to let others penetrate.

Usually the last to arrive and the first to leave social gatherings.

Attitude

Express a philosophical or poetic view on the nature of solitude.

Have an air of resignation or acceptance of their loneliness.

Harbour a secret hope of finding connection, but feel it is unattainable.

Quick to criticise or judge others as a defence mechanism.

Have a deep internal world that is rich and complex, contrasting with their outer displays of loneliness.

Believe that they are fundamentally different or disconnected from others.

Have a strong sense of self-reliance, seeing it as a necessity.

Demonstrate a fear of rejection or abandonment that prevents them from reaching out.

Heightened sensitivity to the pain of others, stemming from their own loneliness.

Experience moments of clarity or creativity when they are alone.

Positive story outcomes

Find strength and independence in solitude.

Experience personal growth and self-discovery.

Form a meaningful connection that alleviates their loneliness.

Gain a deeper understanding and empathy for the loneliness of others.

Use their time alone to develop a skill or pursue a passion.

Find that solitude allows for reflection and the development of a clear perspective.

Inspire others to appreciate their own company and find peace in solitude.

Become a catalyst for change, helping others to overcome their loneliness.

Create a work of art or literature that expresses their feelings and connects with others.

Their experiences of loneliness make their relationships more meaningful when they do occur.

Negative story outcomes

Become increasingly detached and withdrawn from the world.

Develop mental health issues such as depression or anxiety.

Make poor decisions due to a lack of guidance and support.

Grow to resent others, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings.

Spiral into destructive behaviours as a way to cope.

Experience a sense of hopelessness about ever finding connection.

Become distrustful of others, hindering potential relationships.

Lose touch with social norms and struggle to reintegrate into society.

Overlook or sabotage potential opportunities for companionship.

Leave a lasting impression of sadness and regret in the narrative.

Helpful vocabulary

Forlorn

Sequestered

Estranged

Abandoned

Reclusive

Isolated

Adrift

Detached

Solitary

Alienated

Despondent

Forsaken

Lonesome

Marooned

Melancholic

Ostracised

Remote

Unaccompanied

Vacant

Withdrawn

Yearning

Bereft

Disconnected

Outcast

[orshii]

Can You Hold Me?

✶ Pairing: tennis player! Kim Hongjoong x therapist female reader ✶ Word count: 10,8 k ✶ Warnings: cursing, traumatic past, mentions of death, mentions of alcohol use, a lot of angst, a little suggestive at the end

✶ Summary: You had chosen to become a therapist, but why? So that you could help others, and at the same time escape your dark and traumatic past. One day, the problematic tennis player Kim Hongjoong comes in for a session, and everything changes from then on as you find solace and understanding in your traumatic pasts.

✶ A/N: Yoo, I'm back omg, I officially graduated and now I'm an unemployed nobody yaayy. So about this story...I'm not quite satisfied with my writing in it and I don't expect much from this, I just needed to write it because it kind of helped me through tough times. And I just realized writing angst helps me get through my anxiety lmao. Oh and just to add, I have no idea about psychology I kind of improvised the whole process so sorry if it’s not how it is going.

So buckle up ig, I wanted to make this very angsty but ended up making it rather fluffy lmao, so enjoy! Okay byee! (divider)

(p.s. This song inspired the title and it perfectly describes Hongjoong's feelings, I recommend listening to it hehet.)

Human's minds are pure chaos. Within each person lies a world as complex as our physical reality. There exists pure happiness alongside deep darkness that can both consume and strengthen. It's hard to escape the maze of rusty, huge walls that separates us from our sanity. Sometimes people desperately need a guiding hand that belongs to a person and runs along the dark maze, pulling them out of the dark labyrinth of thoughts that slowly destroy them.

I was a helping hand in hundreds of people's lives. People came to me shouting for help desperately or sometimes they were too stubborn to ask for help so I needed to convince them first to trust me, so they could let me lead them out of the dark.

I was a clinical psychologist, I fixed people's minds. It is a hard task, everyone has their unique story, and their own problems that can drive people crazy. And I needed to prevent that. All the process looked like a brain surgery, it just didn't need steel tools and extravagant knowledge of the different kinds of nerves and muscles. I couldn't just cut out people's brains like the doctors and fix things like that. A brain surgery could take up to 7 hours, but if I needed to save someone from the dark, dirty maze...that is impossible for them and for me to help in that short of time. It needed years. Years of trying to show the way out into the light that sometimes comes with the biggest hardships. To put together the lost pieces so they can be their old selves. But the thing is, they could never be their old selves again, just little pieces of it. Sometimes they can overcome it alone, sometimes they accept my helping hand and sometimes...they don't make it out of the dark ever. Those are the hardest journeys of my bumpy road.

I always felt like my life's purpose was to help people overcome their fears. I liked to dive deep into people's minds and play with the strings of their nerves, to find out their deepest, darkest secrets that they only told me. All the time someone confessed their feelings, when they opened up to me, I felt like a Goddess to whom people whispered their biggest sins. It was like they told me their Sea of Confession.

And why did I like it? Hearing people's dark thoughts made my mind concentrate on their problems, so I could run away from my own problems, from my own dark thoughts that hunted me in my nightmares, until my mind was tired enough so it could finally go blind.

I could fix people, but who fixed me?

I was in a hurry as I sipped from my morning coffee next to a quick breakfast that I made in a hurry because of course I overslept and now I was late for work. As I was sitting in my small one-room flat, I drank the last drops of coffee from my mug, quickly grabbed my keys, and turned off the TV that was a white noise on my chaotic morning.

Before I turned the TV off, I saw that the news was about some 26-year-old professional tennis player who got into a scandal, that was speeding through the highway drunk and nearly causing an accident. I heard about this player a few times on the news, he was always in some kind of trouble, like being drunk during an interview or shouting at a reporter after he lost a game, these attitudes of his made his fame slowly fade through the years as people started to judge him, because of his behavior.

I saw a few of his interviews, where he just seemed as bored as a prisoner in a cell, he spoke with people like they were some kinds of slaves. Something was up with him, I knew it—I was a therapist—he had a reason because people don't go insane just because they want to. I was sure it was deeper than the effects of being a professional tennis player dealing with fame.

He fought with some demons just like all of us.

The news also said that they just took his driver's license and the problem was solved, just because he was an athlete and had money. Our world was very fair. I scoffed at that after I quickly turned off the TV and glanced one last time at the full-body mirror, checking if my white shirt was perfectly ironed, which I paired with a grey, tight skirt that barely reached my knees with black heels, I pulled on my grey blazer that fitted with my skirt and left my cozy flat to step out into the air full of the breeze of spring. 

As soon as I parked my car I hurried straight to my office, my first client was already there waiting for me in front of my door that held my name 'Dr. Kwon Y/N'.

"Ah, sorry for being late, but the traffic was horrible, my apologies." I quickly took out my keys from my purse and opened the door.

"It's okay, I know it can be the worst." My client smiled at me, his blonde hair fluffy from the morning hours, black framed glasses sitting on his tall nose, his dimples showing from the curve of his lips. His name is Song Mingi and he has been going to therapy for over a year now, he experienced a horrible trauma and it takes time to get over it, step by step but he is going to fight his demons.

"C'mon in." I smiled at him genuinely.

I stepped into my office, which looked comforting, and full of warm colors, that being orange, brown, and all shades of red. I wanted to make this room look like a place where people who are coming to my office, feel safe, to feel that whatever they tell me, stays there. The walls were painted warm orange. The furniture was brown, in the middle of the room there was a brown armchair with some orange stripes and in front of that, there was a sofa with the same colors, where my clients could lay down or just sit comfortably. On my left side, there's a big window and on the ledge, there are some green indoor plants. My main purpose was to give them a place where they can feel comfortable.

I sat on my armchair as I waited for Mingi to get comfortable.

"So how are you feeling today, Mingi?" I crossed my legs and all my attention was on the man in front of me, trying to listen to his thoughts and feelings that confused him.

Noon went by quickly and I had a little break before my next client came, so I went to the nearby bakery to buy some fresh baked bread. As I was walking back to my office, finishing the bread I bought, I got a text from my assistant, saying my next client was already here so, I needed to hurry back. Today was not my day that is sure. I kind of started to speedwalk, and that turned into running. I just hated it when my clients needed to wait for me because that didn’t seem professional.

As soon as I stepped into the building trying to catch my breath because of the running. I spotted a man who leaned against the wall in a black hoodie the hood was over his head, where a few blonde strings of his hair fell onto his forehead and his hoodie was paired with ripped black jeans.

"Good afternoon, sorry for being late!" I approached the strange man; it was his first time being here.

He quickly snapped his head up and looked at me with a bored and quite sharp expression. "Finally, I've been waiting for ten minutes already." He sighed staring at me with deadly eyes.

It didn't surprise me when my clients offended me and made me the wrong person. It was common when people didn't want to say anything at all to me or to be everywhere but here. Throughout the years I learned how to handle these kinds of people.

As our eyes met, that was the moment when I recognized this man, pictures from all over the media and the news appeared in my mind of the professional tennis player Kim Hongjoong.

I bowed my head a little as a sign of my apology. "My apologies, come in!" I opened the door with that and went in, to sit down in my armchair. He followed me with a disgusted expression as he looked around the room, and plopped down to the sofa. He was laying on his back with his legs pulled up, shoes still on, hands interlaced over his stomach, and closed his eyes, with his hood still on. I analyzed every little movement of his because it told me hundreds of things about him. I knew he wouldn't talk to me much, so my job was to read his moves. It was the kind of situation where we won't talk a lot because he just doesn't want to be here, it could be even that someone forced him to come here, or he just opens up with difficulty.

I was a tolerant woman and I knew, I needed to make him trust me.

"My name is Dr. Kwon Y/N, nice to meet you. Kim Hongjoong, right?" I asked with a warm voice as I crossed my legs and opened his files on my laptop that was on my legs. As I quickly glanced through his file, I immediately understood the reasons behind his behavior.  

"Yeah. Can you stay quiet, I want to sleep." He said with a low voice, his eyes still closed.

I was in plenty of situations like this, sometimes people don’t know what is respect towards the other. You just needed to make them respect you.

"Well, you are not here to sleep right now, Hongjoong." I just looked at him with a knowing smile, because the next thing was that he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me.

"Well, I don't want to talk." He turned his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"We don't have to talk about your problems or feelings, only if you want. But firstly, we are here to feel comfortable and to trust each other." I said, closing my laptop and leaning forward to place it on the small table that separated us.

Hongjoong just scoffed at that. "Yeah, right."

I leaned backward folding my arms. "What is your favorite color?"

He looked at me again with a confused expression. "Are you kidding me? Are we in kindergarten or what?"

"We have to start somewhere, aren't we?" I raised my eyebrows at him with a smile. I needed his attention and this was the best solution.

"It's black I guess." He said with a bored expression.

"Favorite animal?"

"Squirrel"

"Oh, that's an unusual one." I smiled. He just shrugged.

"Favorite place to go on a vacation?"

"I don't really have time for those things."

"But if you had time?"

He rolled his eyes. "Probably Greece."

"Greece is beautiful, I agree."

"Why did you choose tennis?" And here we are, the real-deal questions started now. I hoped he fell into my trap with the previous questions.

The question surprised him, but he just shrugged. "My dad showed it to me when I was younger and I immediately felt a connection with it." It was a short answer but told me a lot of things. Passion from childhood—noted.

"Something you like doing, other than tennis?"

"Nothing." I stood silent because I saw on his face he was thinking. "Probably driving. But I fucked that up too." His features changed to anger. It seemed like he was mad at himself. It was good. At least he knew something was up with him.

"You can get it back, it's not permanent," I said to him, trying to calm him with my soft voice.

"Well," he suddenly got up in a sitting pose and stared at me like it was my fault. "That was the only thing that could clear my head and I lost that too because I fucked up." He raised his voice, his expressions mirroring pure anger, that was pointed at me, but at the same time I knew he just couldn't face the mirror and to fully blame himself. At least he showed emotion, that was always a good sign, even if it were bad emotions. 

"Sometimes people need to lose something that brings them joy, so they'll learn to live without it and find other things that bring them joy," I said seriously, looking deep into his eyes, trying to find a little light in them.

"Stop this bullshit, cliché speech. It's not true. When you lose something important to you, that will never come back." He was leaning over his knees with his elbows, his hands interlaced. He seemed vulnerable for a second, I saw a really broken part of him, that was going to be tough to put together, but there was no impossible task for me.

We weren't talking about driving I knew it; it was just easier to speak in metaphoric sentences.

"Yes, there are situations when that something won't ever come back, but that doesn't mean we have to destroy ourselves and live in self-pity for the rest of our lives." I just needed to stay calm and only beam positivity, even when people shouted at me, blaming me for everything.

"No, you don't understand." He stood up and buried his face into his hands in frustration. "I can't do this." He said and went to the door without looking at me.

"Thank you for coming today, Hongjoong! See you next time!" I told him quickly before he angrily slammed the door.

I sighed as the silence swallowed me. Being a therapist is one of the hardest jobs on earth. It is physically but especially mentally stressful and it can eat you alive if you let it. It not only affects your feelings, that you kind of have to close out every time you have a client, but you also have to transform into them and imagine yourself in their situations and their feelings. And these different types of feelings can really overwhelm you, it's cruel.

But in the end, when I see in people's eyes, after some sessions, that they changed and are trying to be better, it fulfills my heart, that is when I say, it is worth the ups and downs that come with it.

Hongjoong wasn't my first client to act like this; they were difficult to handle and required patience. However, I knew he would calm down one day, and we could have a sincere conversation.

That night I dreamt about a little boy's face, eyes full of passion, that looked so familiar but I still couldn't recognize it. 

Hongjoong came back the next day and after. He was calmer than the first time. He slowly opened up to me, as we talked through the hours of the sessions, sometimes it went well, sometimes it was rather quiet, but we made progress.

"What does tennis mean to you?"

"It's my everything, that is what is left for me in this world. But I feel like it's slowly not enough to keep me here."

"Maybe you should try something new out."

"I'm only good at tennis, I tried to do sports like football, but I wasn't that passionate as for tennis."

"Do you want to give up on tennis?"

"I don't want to, but... I'm getting so bad at it because my feelings are eating me alive. I'm not the old unstoppable Kim Hongjoong who beat everyone who came his way."

"Fighting against your feelings won’t solve your problem. This is why you should speak about them."

"What if I don’t want to?"

"How does the media affect your feelings?"

"I don't give a fuck about the media, those are some fucked up people whose lives are so boring they need to bump their noses into other's life."

"It's a really good point of view, I agree they don't know the real reasons for people's actions, only what they see. But you can't say it never affected you."

He stood quiet for a second, thinking. "It affected me when they talked shit about my close ones."

"Do your friends support you?"

"Yes, I have only a few friends, but they support me in everything. Especially Wooyoung, who is like my brother."

I nodded. "Does Wooyoung live here?" Before he could say anything, I added. "Just if he's close enough so you can talk or hang out if needed."

"He lives in the city, we play football a lot of times together and hang out after for some drinks."

"Do you like to drink?"

"Who doesn't?"

"Replying to a question with a question. I see. You are learning from me." I smiled at him just to elevate the mood.

I saw a very little curve appear on his lips. We were heading in the right way.

"But back to my question. You know you did a lot of things while being drunk."

"Well, that is my only escape from this fucked-up world."

"But you know it affects other people as well, for example when you nearly caused an accident driving while being drunk."

"Do we really need to talk about this? I know I messed up, okay? You don’t have to shout at me for being stupid." His mood swings were like a child's—one moment he was cooperative, and the next he was angry for no apparent reason.

"Why did you become a therapist?" He asked, looking sincerely curious. It occurred a lot of times when my clients tried to ask things about my personal life and I only thought it was fair to reply to them but keep the boundaries in their place.

"It wasn't even my dream until 5 years now, the idea came suddenly and I realized I always liked to talk to people about feelings and give them advice," I said keeping eye contact with him as he was sitting in front of me.

"Did you always live here?" He asked, leaning back on the sofa.

"Yes." I smiled at him.

"Do you like it here?" I wasn't surprised by his questions, there was always a moment when people realized they didn't know anything about the person sitting in front of them, to whom they confessed their deepest feelings.

I looked out the window on my right and thought about the question. "I think, I do. Do you?"

"I hate it." He looked down at his hands when I turned my head back to look at him.

"Why?"

"Because a lot of shit things happened here."

"So why are you still here?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, I have nowhere to go."

"Maybe, you could go to Greece." I smiled at him.

"Yeah, maybe." He lifted his head to look at me a visible smile appearing on his lips.

"The night they caught you drunk in your car, what did you feel before?" I brought back that case because we needed to talk about that so I could understand what went through his head that night.

"Anger, heartbroken?" To my surprise, he answered, without getting angry at me. Maybe it was one of those good days of his.   

"So you thought drinking and speeding through the highway would solve them?"

"I didn't think anything at all. I just needed to clear my head and that seemed the best solution."

I nodded. "Do you regret doing it?"

"Of course, I do…"

"That is a good sign. Sometimes we consciously won't admit our mistakes. But you did Hongjoong and that is a very big progress."

It was a dark, rainy day, with clouds obscuring the sun's feeble attempts to warm the world after a freezing winter. I was at work, having already seen a few clients. Some sessions went smoothly, while others made me wish I could run to the ends of the earth.

And when Kim Hongjoong came in, it continued. We made a lot of progress throughout the weeks. It went well. But something happened again because when I saw Hongjoong I felt like it was like the first time he came in. No emotions, just the bored face, and the I-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude. It felt like we started everything from the beginning like we didn't even speak the past few weeks.

"What's on your mind?" I started, hoping I wouldn't play with the string of his nerves.

He sighed. "I don't want to talk today." He leaned back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.

I nodded. "Alright, we don't have to."

I just opened my laptop and started to reply my emails that I haven't had the time to reply to. But it was also a tactical move, I knew he would feel bothered because I didn’t pay attention to him.

I felt his gaze on me after a while. I looked up from my laptop, adjusting my glass as my eyes met with his. His expressions were confused rather than angry.

I lifted my eyebrows. "Yes?"

He looked away, seeming a little shy after being caught staring. "So, we won't talk?"

"You just said you don't want to talk."

"I know but it's strange sitting here and not talking."

"We can talk."

He just nodded, his lips forming a thin line. He was dressed in all black again—black jeans and a black T-shirt, along with a black cap that hid his eyes. With his tattoo ‘No1likeme’ on the inside of his upper arm peeking out.

I observed that when he was in higher spirits, he tended to wear brighter colors such as orange and beige. Conversely, when he dressed in all black, it signaled that he might not be feeling his best.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked with my full attention on him.

He shrugged. "I don't know. What's your favorite color?" He looked genuinely interested, his eyes slightly hidden beneath his cap, making his gaze darker.

"Look around and try to figure it out." I smiled at him.

He slowly lifted his head and hummed his eyes scanning the whole room, taking it in, analyzing. I was watching him the whole time, his sharp jawline and characteristic nose on the sight.

"Is it orange?" He asked, his attention back on me.

I chuckled. "It is, it wasn’t impossible to guess."

He smiled at that too. Whenever he smiled, it was like witnessing the world's eighth wonder—a unique and rare occurrence that could rival any God’s smile. 

"What is one word you don't like?" I asked.

"Love. It's just so overrated." Again, his expression changed as he was staring down at his hands thinking.

"Don't you love someone?"

"It's not that I don't love. It's just…" He adjusted himself on the sofa straightening up a little. "It's just doesn't embrace truthfully how I feel."

"How would you express it then?"

He paused, carefully choosing his words. "I treasure the people I feel close to. Everything they give me, whether it's gestures or words, they're little treasures that I keep deep in my heart, like in a small chest. And from that chest, I give to others. It might sound silly, but that's just how I feel." His voice sounded uncertain as if this were the most vulnerable moment of his life. 

My heart started racing, and I began to feel what he felt, causing my heart to ache.

"It is a very unique and beautiful way to think of love, it’s not stupid at all," I said understandingly.

"But sometimes no matter how much you treasure the people you love, life takes them away anyway." He slowly stood up and walked to the window as his voice came out unsure.

I stood quiet because I knew he wanted to keep going. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair. "What did I do to deserve this?" The fingers in his hair grabbed his hair and pulled it as I saw his back only. "I fucked up." He raised his voice.

I stood up but refrained from approaching him, knowing he could explode at any moment.

"What happened Hongjoong?" I asked with a calm voice.

"I couldn't say goodbye to her." His voice sounded weak like he was crying.

"To whom?" Tears appeared in my eyes as well, this was the most difficult topic of my life I could never speak easier about this even if it was the hundredth time.

"My little sister." He whispered his shoulders moving up and down as he was breathing heavier. "I couldn't keep her safe." He yelled and in a fit of rage, he swept the plants off the windowsill, sending them crashing to the floor. The pots shattered, and soil scattered across the room.

I trembled from the sudden sounds of the shattered pots my heart pounding in fear. I saw a lot of situations throughout my career, but this—never.

"I couldn't keep her safe and now she is gone." He calmed down a little as his knees got weak and he fell on the ground his face in his palms.

My breathing grew heavier. There were strict boundaries between therapists and clients—any personal connection was strictly prohibited. But... how could I stand by while he was broken on the floor with shattered pots and dirty soil around him?

I approached him slowly and knelt beside him, extending my hand toward him as he stared down at his hands, lost in his own thoughts. I hesitated, afraid to touch him, but I knew I had to take the risk. When my hand gently landed on his shoulder, he lifted his head to look at me with wide eyes.

"It's okay it's not your fault, Hongjoong. Life can be cruel and make us believe it is our fault but sometimes we can't do anything to stop what was already written." I carefully lifted my hand towards his face to wipe his tears. As soon as I realized what was I doing I quickly withdrew my hands. But before I could do that, he grabbed my wrist and held it against his face staring into my wide eyes.

"Can you hug me?" He asked with an unsure voice.

"Y-yes." My heart wanted to jump out of my chest because I knew I couldn't do such things, I couldn't bond with my clients emotionally, but it was just too late because we had so much in common with Hongjoong it was impossible not to.

I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close. The scent of sweet caramel filled my nostrils, instantly calming me and prompting me to draw him even closer. His hands encircled my waist, gently lifting me as I settled into his lap. And I let him do it without a word, my only intent was to bring him comfort.

"How could I forgive myself?" He whispered into the crook of my neck, wetting it with his tears.

"Time will make you believe it wasn't your fault, trust me. Time heals everything." My hands unconsciously started to caress his back when he nuzzled his nose into my neck.

"I couldn't say her goodbye." He whispered weakly.

Tears welled up in my eyes as memories of my own began to flood my mind. Memories that I dig deep down so I won't ever have to remember. A little boy's face I saw every night in my dreams. A little boy's face, that slowly faded away.

"She's watching you from above," I whispered weekly.

And then someone shut the door outside and reality hit me suddenly making me jump out of Hongjoong's lap.

"My next client is here. You should go. Thank you for coming," I said, avoiding his eyes, and realizing the line I had crossed. I walked over to another door where supplies were kept, kneeling to begin cleaning up the mess he had made.

"Let me help you, please. I'm so sorry, Y/N!" I closed my eyes, hearing my name. He kneeled next to me to gather the shattered pieces but I didn’t let him.

"You don't have to help me. My next client is here, so please leave," I stated flatly, glancing at him without showing any emotion. He stared at me wide-eyed, as if unable to believe what I was saying. Then, he dropped the pieces he was holding, stood up abruptly, and left the room, slamming the door behind him. I trembled at the sound, and tears began to stream down my face uncontrollably. But I couldn't allow myself to break down here when others needed my help. I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath to compose myself, and began cleaning up the mess.

To my next client, I appeared as an always smiling and understanding woman, offering advice that could save their life. But who would save mine? 

After that day, I thought I would never hear from Hongjoong again. Perhaps he felt he had opened up to me only to have his feelings disregarded. I respected his emotions, but they overwhelmed me, and I was hesitant to deepen our connection. It didn't seem fair. Yet, he returned and acted as if nothing had happened on that dark, rainy day. We resumed our therapist-client relationship, asking each other questions as if he hadn't cried on my shoulder just a few days earlier.

It was a Friday evening when my last client left, it was late in the afternoon the sun was slowly disappearing, switching places with the moon. I locked the door of my office and left the building to sit in my car.

When I shut the door, sudden emotions hit me like a train that had no breaks. I needed to grab the steering wheel. All day I needed to put on a mask and smile for the people who needed reassurance and tell them only positive things that made them feel better.

I needed to keep my emotions in, which flooded like water crushing into a dam's cement walls. I needed to keep them back and just make that wall thicker, and stronger so it won't break. But there were already some thin cracks on it.

I breathed in and out slowly. This day was the worst of the year in five years. Today five years ago I lost my little brother in a bus accident that was a fault of a man driving drunk. And that school bus was just there at the wrong time, taking the lives of many little kids who were the most innocent human beings on earth. I broke that day, just like my parents, who still did not process what happened. Life was unfair and I blamed God, destiny, and everything I could just so it could be better. But it didn't, it happened and I just couldn't do anything at all. My little brother was the sweetest thing in this cruel world. He was only 7 years old, but he was so smart and kindhearted compared to his age. He simply did not deserve this fate, just like the other kids who died that day. Since that day, I see his face in my dreams which are sometimes nightmares, as the accident is playing in my head, even though I wasn't even there when it happened. But his face slowly disappears in my dreams, it's starting to get blurry and I was terrified on the fact, slowly I won't even remember his face.

Psychology was the thing that saved me from burying myself in the dark. Studying distracted me and after I finished college, I settled for a job that was being a therapist and hearing other people's problems and dark thoughts—which sometimes scared me to death—but after working in this field for 5 years now, I realized this is just people—people who only need help, a helping hand that guides them towards the light. In the process of guiding them, I slowly helped myself out alongside them, their thoughts and problems being the priority of my life, distracting me from my real problems.

But on that day, I couldn't hold it back any longer. After gathering myself, I drove to the cemetery with a bucket of flowers in hand. The cemetery appeared dark, reminiscent of scenes from horror movies, with only a few faint lights illuminating the path ahead. I knew the way to my little brother's grave as well as I knew the back of my own hand. The weather was chilly, and I hugged myself tightly for warmth, clutching the bucket of white lilies.

When I reached my little brother's grave, I couldn't contain my emotions any longer. Everything I had been holding back broke through like a dam bursting, and I fell to my knees, crying uncontrollably.

"I miss you my little bud." My tears wetted my cheeks, the moon above illuminating my brother’s grave as I whispered into the quiet. My sobbing echoed through the dark and quiet cemetery. I had never truly had friends who could be there as shoulders to cry on. It's one of the reasons being a therapist is challenging. Friends often come to see you as the sole stable point in their lives, where they can vent about their struggles and expect reassurance and advice without offering much in return. The problem was they only saw me as their therapist-friend. Over time, I grew accustomed to it and began to cut ties with those who were only friends with me for this reason.

I was still kneeling on the dirty ground, miles away from the real world as I just stared at my little brother's grave that said 'Rest in peace forever, our brightest star'.

"Y/N?" I heard a voice that seemed strange but a voice I felt like I had known my whole life.

I glanced to my left and saw a man standing there in dark clothes with a hood on. Blonde strands of hair partially hiding his eyes. 

"Hongjoong?" My voice came out weak, almost like a whisper. I quickly wiped my tears away, it was a habit of mine, where no one could see me in any vulnerable state.

"What are you doing here at this hour? You'll get cold." He stepped closer with a confused expression.

"I—I just… visited my little brother." I couldn't take my eyes off him as he slowly kneeled next to me, the universe now turning as the other time it was me kneeling next to a broken Hongjoong. He looked at me with a broken expression and slowly reached his hand to wipe my tears away.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." He whispered, cupping my face into his hands. "It could have been difficult when I spoke about my sister. You are so strong, Y/N." His voice was filled with concern, his eyes watering as I broke again and started to cry again. For myself, but for Hongjoong’s loss as well.

"Come here," he said, pulling my head closer to his neck so I could breathe in his sweet caramel scent, which enveloped us both. "It's okay, let it all out. You deserve to." He gently stroked my hair, then slowly slid his hands behind my thighs and lifted me onto his lap. I settled onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face into the crook of his neck. Throughout, he continued to caress my back and hair, whispering reassuring words that melted my heart. Gradually, his calming caramel scent helped me feel better.

"Let's get out of here, you are shivering." He said putting distance between us to look into my eyes, I just nodded, as he slowly took off his black hoodie, and despite my resistance, he helped me wear it. It made me look small, its sleeves hiding my hands, but it was so warm it made me forget how cold I had felt. He slowly lifted me off his lap and helped me up like I was a porcelain.

"And what are you doing here at this hour?" I asked looking up at him as he held my waist.

"Visited my sister." He gave me an understanding smile.

"Oh, they are in the same cemetery? Then they have company at least." I smiled, imagining his sister and my brother playing around, even though I never saw her.

"Yeah, I am sure they are having fun." He smiled genuinely. "Did you come by car?" He asked as we started to walk towards the exit in the dark and terrifying cemetery, while he was still holding me by my waist, scared I might fall at any moment.

"Ah, yes," I replied, trying to ground myself back in reality. I hated when people saw my vulnerable side and perceived me as fragile as glass.

"Let me drive you home, I won't let you drive in this state." He said looking at me with concerned eyes.

"I'm okay, I can drive. And you don't even have a driver's license Hongjoong." I looked at him and frowned.

"I don't care I won't let you go home alone." He seemed determined and I was too tired to fight against him.

So I let him drive my car, to where I lived even though he had no available license, but he didn't seem to care about that so neither did I. We managed to arrive at my place without the police handcuffing Hongjoong on top of my car and I felt relieved at that.

"Thank you," I looked at him grabbing the handle. I was tired and I just wanted to get a warm shower and collapse into my bed. "You can take yourself home I'll get my car tomorrow." I chuckled as I said to him.

Hongjoong chuckled at that too. "Now you are not scared I'll get arrested?" He smiled sweetly which warmed my cold heart.

"Sounds like a you problem. If you get arrested, I'll just say you stole my car." I lifted my hands with a teasing smile.

"Hah, of course you would," he remarked, reaching his hand quickly to pinch my cheek. "Okay, but only if I can take you somewhere tomorrow," he added, leaning back in the driver's seat. 

I looked at him confused. "You know we can't do that."

"Why?" He asked mirroring my expression.

"Because you are my client?" I asked my brows furrowing further.

"And you think I give a shit about that?" He leaned closer to my face as he whispered it.

"But then I won't be able to hold your sessions anymore," I tried to say, attempting to create some distance, but finding myself frozen in place, the words nearly escaping me.

"I don't care, I just want to be with you." He said leaning even closer, our warm breaths melting together.

"You barely know me," I stated.

"I'm going to change that." He whispered onto my lips and then leaned back looking at my slightly blushed face satisfied.

"I'll text you, sleep well!" He said with a confident smile, winking at me.

"How do you know my number?" I asked him frowning.

"Dear, you are my therapist." He said with a shit-eating grin.

"Well, not anymore," I replied, rolling my eyes with a smile that I couldn't suppress. I stepped out of my car, only to watch it roll away. A sincere smile spread across my face as I saw him drive off.

Might Kim Hongjoong be the person who saves me?

The next day, Hongjoong texted me that he would pick me up at 6 p.m. and told me to wear comfortable clothes. Unsure of what he meant exactly, I opted for sweatpants, a white crop top, and white sneakers. I also brought along my black sweatshirt, as the weather was still cool in the middle of spring.

When I stepped out of my apartment and went down to wait for Hongjoong, I looked up at the sky and it was slightly cloudy, it might rain in the evening and before I could run back to get an umbrella Hongjoong was rolling near the sidewalk so I could jump in.

"Hello there." He smiled at me sweetly taking me in with his gaze.

"Hi," I said, nearly blushing under his sharp gaze. I quickly glanced at him and noticed he was wearing black shorts that reached his knees paired with a white T-shirt. We were unintentionally matching.

"Okay soo," He looked at me unbuckling his seatbelt. "I think you should drive because I don't want to risk it anymore." He chuckled a little embarrassed.

I chuckled at that too. "As you shouldn't, I told you." I opened the passenger seat's door to switch places. When we met at the front of the car, he pinched my waist and quickly sat in the passenger seat smiling.

"Buckle up Mr. Kim, if you want to survive," I said with a teasing voice buckling my seatbelt.

"Yes, my lady!" He saluted as I laughed loudly.

I started to drive as Hongjoong told me the directions where we were going because I had no idea where we were going and he didn't want to tell me so I just drove where he said.

In the meantime, we carpooled a bit, because it's a must, and we both love shouting along to music. I put on Beach Weather's "Chit Chat," and we belted out the lyrics together. 

"So come on, get your fix now, now, now"

"You drive me crazy with that"

"Chit chat do you want that"

"Or wanna take me home tonight?"

"I thought I told you, I really need you sugar"

"I'm going supernova"

When we arrived at a parking lot, I looked around, trying to figure out where we were. My jaw dropped when I realized. 

"Are we going to play tennis?" I looked at him wide-eyed.

He chuckled sweetly. "Yes, if it's okay with you. Do you know how to play it?" His smile never left his lips and I loved it.

"Hmm, let me think…" I looked straight as we were still in the car. "I actually hate tennis." I side glanced at him waiting for his reaction.

He gasped forming an 'o' with his mouth. "Really? How dare you Kwon Y/N?" He seemed like he couldn't believe what I said, but this was the truth, tennis just seemed boring looking at it on the TV.

"Maybe, but just maybe you could change that." I smiled at him as I opened the door and got out of the car.

He got out as well and went to the back of the car to get his equipment and there was also a basket which I assumed was for a picnic.

"Ahw, is that a picnic basket?" I looked at him leaning against my car.

He closed the rear door with the basket and the equipment in hand and he slowly approached me hovering over me.

"Is there any problem with it?" he whispered; his lips so close to mine that I could feel his warm breath. His caramel scent enveloped me, making my knees weak. 

"Not at all, it’s sweet," I whispered eyeing between his eyes and lips as I bit my lips. He looked so hot like this; I didn't know if I could keep it up anymore.

"Then let me teach you how to play tennis," he said, leaning close to my ear as he nuzzled into my neck. "God, I love how you smell," he whispered. At that moment, I needed air, feeling like I might faint. It felt like being a teenager again when my first crush approached me, leaving me uncertain if this was good or not. 

 I would've never thought I was going a date—I guess it was a date—with the professional tennis player Kim Hongjoong, who always seemed like an asshole in the videos I saw of him, and my first impression as a therapist wasn't also the best of him, but the truth is, he is just a lost man in the middle of his twenties who had none left in this world only tennis was the only thing that kept him going, that slowly slipped through his hands as well. But I really hoped he was going to find his way back to the passion that kept him going and I am going to help him find the way back to the light not because this was my job, but because in this short time, I started to care for him, not like I cared for my other clients, it was deeper and something invisible connected us that I couldn't name.

The tennis court was empty, illuminated by streetlights, with Hongjoong heading to the entrance to switch on the five floodlights. The court glowed green and a light shade of orange, divided by a net in the middle. I stepped onto the field, looking around in awe, as I had never been on a tennis court before. To our right were the seats where the crowd would cheer for the players. I was certain that one day I would be sitting there, cheering for Hongjoong with all my heart if everything went the right way.

"So," Hongjoong broke the silence. "Do you like it?" I turned as I saw his sweet smile.

"It's okay, I guess," I teased with a smile. I noticed he had already started unpacking the things he brought from the basket, laying a blanket near the net. He looked so sweet like this. 

"I didn't know you were the romantic type," I said slowly approaching him, kneeling next to him to help him unpack all the food and sweets he brought.

"Well, it depends on the person." He side-glanced at me as he sat down on the blanket.

"Oh, should I feel special?" I sat down next to him, our shoulders slightly touching as I looked at him with serious eyes.

He looked back at me, tilting his head to the side and giving me a sharp glance. At that moment, I realized how close he was. His blonde hair perfectly highlighted his sharp eyes, and his cheekbones had a slight pink tint. My heart started to race, my body felt hotter than ever, and he hadn't even kissed me. I wondered if I could survive a kiss from him. I glanced at his thin lips, curved slightly in a smile. Up close, his face looked even more chiseled. He was so handsome that I finally understood why he was a famous tennis player. It wasn't just his skills; it was also how incredibly good-looking he was.

"Will we eat sometime or you will stare more?" Hongjoong's voice brought me back from my inner thoughts and as I realized I was staring the whole time I felt as my face got a little warm.

"Don't get over yourself, you did the same." I chuckled as I looked at the food and picked up a sandwich with ham and salad.

"How could I have not stared?" His voice came out low as he picked some green grapes and threw them into his mouth.

"Oh, shut up," I said, playfully bumping him with my shoulder as he chuckled.

"Make me." He leaned closer and smiled at me teasingly.

I laughed at that. "Does this work on other girls too?" I asked, hiding my mouth behind my hands as I tried to swallow the sandwich, nearly choking in the process.

He shrugged. "Don't know, haven't tried it."

"So, the bad guy image you created, isn't true?" I said looking at him suspiciously, finishing my sandwich.

"The media created that image, not me." He looked ahead as he supported himself on his hands behind his back, his legs straight.

"It must be hard, like…" I glanced at his side profile. "They follow every step of yours and they are waiting for you when are you going to make a mistake." 

"It was hard at the beginning, there weren't anyone beside me, I was all alone…" He leaned forward and pulled his legs up his elbows on his knees. "But I got used to it with time and didn't give a shit about them."

I did the same, pulling my knees to my chest and hugging them. "Your parents…what happened with them?" I looked at him with soft eyes. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay."

"No, no, I want to. It was a long time ago…" He glanced at me briefly before looking down at his hands in front of him.

"They both died in a car accident when I was only 16. Just before the accident, I had started playing tennis. My dad encouraged me to play, and I couldn’t be more grateful for introducing me to this sport. After the accident, my sister and I were sent to an orphanage." His voice faltered slightly. I reached my hand toward his back and gently caressed it. "They even separated us because of the age gap. She was only 5 back then. We didn't have any relatives who could adopt us. So, I waited two years until I could take Byeol with me."

"It must have been difficult, you were only 18 and taking care of her and yourself at that age…" I looked at him as tears welled up in my eyes. This man went through hell and he was still here smiling.

"Yeah, well, she died too, in another accident... How is any of this fair, Y/N?" He rested his head on my shoulder, and I gently brushed my fingers through his hair.

"It's not fair at all. Nothing is fair. But we just can't do anything, we have to keep moving for them right?" I traced my hands from his hair to his cheeks, to his jaw to pull him up so I could look into his eyes.

"Right?" I asked him again caressing his cheeks.

"Right." He smiled genuinely at me.

He sighed and stood up. "Okay, enough of the sad moments. Let me teach you some real tennis," he said, offering his right hand to help me up. I accepted it, and he pulled me to my feet. 

"So, this is your side and the other is mine." He pointed at the other side of the field and went to grab the rackets and the tennis ball.

"What if we play a game?" I asked, observing his reaction.

"What game?" he asked curiously.

"We ask each other questions every time we pass the ball," I suggested.

He looked excited and agreed, saying, "I'm in."

With that, he handed me one of the rackets. "You have to hold the racket like this," he began, explaining the main rules of tennis quickly and enthusiastically. The way he explained it, I almost felt like starting a tennis career (though I won't). 

We started passing the ball to each other, and at first, I wasn't very good at it. But with practice, I improved, and soon we could pass the ball to each other at least five times without it going out or accidentally hitting Hongjoong. We were making progress.

As we played, we asked each other questions, gradually getting to know each other better. I had so much fun the whole time; I couldn't remember the last time I laughed this much. In recent years, my life hadn't been filled with happiness and laughter. It was all about work and making my clients happy.

It was never about me, but I realized I couldn’t have a life were I just serve people, trying to fix them, my happiness was also important and Hongjoong made me realize this, even though he was the same—his worldview was similar to mine. We always saw our little siblings in the back of our minds, even though they would've wanted us to be happy, but we were too stuck in self-pity and how life was unfair, we didn't notice how much we destroyed ourselves. So, we just need to put it behind us, they are always going to live in our hearts, no matter what. We are going to live for them.

As we passed the ball to each other and jogged in place, I started feeling like I might collapse. I wasn't the fittest person on earth, and after half an hour of playing, I was tired. We were so engrossed in the game that we didn't even notice the dark clouds gathering above us. It wasn't until a sudden rainstorm caught us off-guard that we realized, standing there soaked in the middle of the field, looking at each other and laughing.

Instead of caring about the rain, we continued playing. But then I cheated by not hitting the ball back properly, and Hongjoong jumped over the net that separated us, chasing after me. I screamed like a 12-year-old, our inner children coming to life as we ran, our sibling-like spirits taking over. But I didn't stand a chance—he caught my waist from behind and twirled me around. I laughed so hard from the surprise and joy that I couldn't stop. 

"Got you!" He chuckled, as he took me down and hugged me from behind as we both were soaked the rain still pouring.

Then he slowly turned me around to face him. He was smiling so sweetly, his wet blonde hair glued to his forehead just as my hair. He reached his hand towards my face to brush off a string of wet hair behind my ear. His fingers tracing down from my ear to my neck, then to my jaw up to my lips where waterdrops dropped down to my already soaked top. He traced my bottom lips gently wiping the drops away. Our expressions turned serious, every goofiness leaving our soul as we both stared at the other taking in the other as the rain made us more beautiful. He looked so breathtaking with the passion burning in his eyes, his lips parted and the waterdrops that were on his lips made him more attractive. As his hands cupped both sides of my jaw, he slowly started to close the distance between us.

"I wanted to kiss you since the first time I saw you." He whispered onto my lips, his eyes never leaving mine.

"It didn't seem like that." I teased him with a slight smile.

"I'm sorry…" He leaned his forehead against mine.

"Just shut up and kiss me!" I said to him seriously.

He chuckled and finally closed the distance not even thinking a second, his lips crushed into mine like it was destined to each other. Our lips moved in synchrony as I could taste the rain that still soaked us with its full power, but I couldn't mind, because at that moment I didn't feel anything except Hongjoong's lips on mine, that tasted like sweet caramels mixed with the taste of rain. It felt like I was in paradise, as his hands moved from my jaw down my spine to my waist, he grabbed it and pulled me impossibly closer to him, our bodies melting together, closing the rain out. It felt like a relief, kissing him like my soul finally found its peace. When one of Hongjoong's hands dug into my hair at my nape, I unconsciously parted my lips and his tongue immediately found its way into my mouth as I wrapped my hands around his neck deepening the kiss. I felt like I might faint between his arms, as I had no oxygen left and he just simply made me feel weak like I could slip through his hands easily. But his arms held me strongly like a pillar and made me feel safe.

When we separated, he leaned his forehead against mine, out of breath and soaked till bone he leaned again towards my lips and gave little pecks onto my wet lips like he couldn't get enough of me.

"Let's go, we are going to catch a cold even though it might be too late." I smiled up at him, my hands still around his neck.

"Can I take you to my house?" He asked with a sweet smile his voice barely hearable because of the rain as his hands were still on my waist holding me close to his body. "Well technically you are going to take us to my house but you know." He chuckled. 

"Yeah, let's go," I said, pulling away from him, still feeling the effects of the kiss that had made my legs weak. It was strange kissing Hongjoong, yet at the same time, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I never imagined someone could make me smile the way he did that day.

Since my little brother passed away, I often felt undeserving of happiness. But today, this realization hit me hard. He would have wanted me to be happy, not to dwell in self-destruction. I tried to be happy, but I never felt truly happy, and I wasn't sure if that was even possible. However, right now, with Hongjoong by my side, I felt like I was on the path towards happiness. 

When we arrived at Hongjoong's house, I was utterly fascinated. I already knew he was wealthy, being a professional athlete, but the house I saw surpassed all expectations—truly, I'm not exaggerating. It was colossal, almost like a modern castle. The exterior boasted white walls with expansive windows, sharp architectural features, and a garden adorned with delicate garden lamps. I even caught sight of a pool in the back.

Parking the car in the garage, we entered through a door that led directly into the living room—a space that was larger than my entire apartment. The main colors were black and white, with touches of brown. In the center of the room sat a black couch flanked by armchairs on each side. Opposite the sofa was a massive TV that seemed bigger than me. The walls were adorned with Renaissance paintings of various landscapes, which I admired until Hongjoong brought me some clothes, urging me to shower and change out of my soaked attire that clung uncomfortably to my skin. I hesitated to sit on the luxurious-looking couch, opting instead to explore the expansive space.

Moving slowly towards the fireplace—because of course, there was one—I observed the framed pictures displayed there. I guessed correctly that the photos were of Hongjoong with his little sister, and a picture of his parents when they were younger. Nearby were trophies he had won, along with a photo of a younger Hongjoong on a tennis field, beaming proudly while clutching a trophy larger than himself. His smile in that photo was so joyful and proud it touched my heart deeply. At that moment, I resolved to bring back that carefree Hongjoong—the one who only cared about winning games and making his little sister and parents proud. I wanted to see him smile like that again.

And when my eyes narrowed further it stuck on a framed picture that felt both familiar and strange at the same time. I had this picture at my home, framed but this picture was in Hongjoong’s house. My heart began to race, and I felt light-headed. The picture showed kids smiling happily to the camera with so much happiness, radiating pure joy. But I couldn't smile, because my little brother stared back at me from that picture.

"Here are some clothes that may fit you, I hope they are okay." I heard Hongjoong's voice behind me, but it seemed so far away I could barely hear what he said. I felt like suddenly I couldn't breathe, my lungs were full of air but I couldn't get myself to breathe it out. It stuck, just as my world stopped, at that moment and I couldn't believe what I saw.

Then I suddenly felt hands on my shoulders that brought me back to Hongjoong's living room, as I was still staring at the framed picture.

"Hey, are you okay?" I heard Hongjoong's worried voice on my left, as he was still holding me, turning me to face him, by my shoulders.

I slowly tilted my head up to meet his gaze, and I didn't even notice tears were falling down my cheeks, Hongjoong's concerned eyes met mine, filled with worry and uncertainty.

"Did something happen Y/N?" He reached his hand towards my cheeks to wipe my tears away.

I could finally breathe out the air that was stuck in my lungs and slowly reached my hands towards the picture bringing it between us. "I-is…w-was this your sister's class?" My voice came out unsure and weak as I felt I couldn't breathe again.

Hongjoong slowly took the picture from my hand, his expression softening into a slight smile. "Yes, she's in the middle. They took this on the day of the accident," he said quietly, pointing at his little sister in the photograph. His smile carried a tinge of sadness.

That was when I couldn't hold back anymore. I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. Hongjoong looked at me with wide eyes, clearly bewildered by my sudden outburst. But as I gazed at the picture again, I realized something shocking—next to his little sister was a smiling boy who was unmistakably my brother. They were holding hands. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be that we both lost our siblings in the same accident and that they were friends, perhaps even best friends. 

I buried my hands in my face as tears streamed down, my legs giving way beneath me. Before I could collapse completely, Hongjoong caught me and held me in his arms. I felt hollow, like an empty box that once held cherished memories but was now vacant. We both ended up on the floor, with Hongjoong holding me close, whispering comforting words and gently stroking my back and hair as I sobbed into his neck.

After a while, I began to feel a bit calmer. I realized it was best to explain to Hongjoong why I was crying before he thought I was irrational. 

My hands reached towards the framed picture on the floor and my fingers traced through the middle where our siblings were holding hands. "This is my brother next to your sister. They are holding hands." I pointed at my brother on the picture whispering it in a weak voice.

Silence hung heavy between us, and when I didn't hear a response, I lifted my gaze to find Hongjoong's head tilted toward the picture in between us. He was staring at our siblings captured in that moment. Gently, I reached out and touched his jaw, turning his face towards mine. His eyes glistened with tears that rolled down his cheeks, each one precious as it traced a path across his face. With my thumb, I wiped away the tears and then embraced him tightly, climbing onto his lap. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me close to him, offering comfort and solace in our shared grief.

"At least they are together up above," I whispered into his ears as tears fell from my eyes again. It was me now, who tried to comfort him, as he did before without any word. I caressed his back then my fingers brushed through his blonde hair from his nape his hair was still a little wet. I put a little distance between us and leaned my forehead against his. "Are you okay?" I whispered it close to his lips.

"At least they are together." He repeated my words. "And we are here for each other too." His hands found their way up to my jaw and cupped it as the barely lit living room lights illuminated his face.

"We are," I whispered as I smiled at him slightly.

Then he pulled me closer to his lips as he cupped my face and I immediately felt at ease as his lips sealed against mine with passion I never felt in my life. Caramel scent embraces us with warmth, our soaked clothes are long forgotten. His lips moved against mine with a burning desire that whispered a promise between us to be there for each other forever.

The next thing I know is me being pushed against the wet wall of the bathroom, the water falling on us from the shower head above us, Hongjoong's lips on mine, our saliva mixing with the water, our hands interlaced above my head as we kissed each other with fire even the water falling on us couldn't stop the burning desire we felt for each other as his lips found their way down my neck, sucking on it, leaving little love marks here and there, as quiet moans escaped my mouth. The bathroom's walls echo the sounds our mouths made. As he whispered words into my ear that promised us a bright future together as we united our faith.

 Two souls destined to meet, to heal from the sorrow their siblings' deaths left in their lives. Two souls that were destined to each other so they could find their way back to life, that is full of vibrant colors again, together.        

A/N: Soo, that happened, lol. I just wanted to tell you I might write a part 2 for this story, only if I feel it tbh, because it is really just the beginning of their story. I have already some ideas of how I could continue it because let's think about it. Hongjoong is famous and lives in the media, and the paparazzi always find out everything so how would the media affect their relationship?

(Ateez masterlist)

[chaysreality222]

˚₊‧꒰ა ꣑ৎ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

꣑ৎ 𝓣𝐇𝐄 𝓒𝐎𝐌𝐅𝓞𝐑𝓣 𝓞𝐅 𝓢𝐇𝐈𝐅𝓣𝐈𝐍𝓖 ꣑ৎ

hii lovelies :ଓ i'm proud of you for shifting to your drs and receiving all your manifestations effortlessly <3 for any of you who deal with anxiety, i made this post for you. or maybe you're going through something right now and need a pick me up. i'm hoping this helps <3

the knowledge and act of reality shifting has really been like this warm hug in a sense that when i'm in the depths of any negative feeling, thought, or situation, merely remembering this knowledge brings comfort to me.

as a person who deals with anxiety on a daily basis, everyday activities that any "normal" person can do could be a struggle for me half of the time. simply ordering food in a restaurant or having to go up to the cashier brings me into a mode of stress and anxiety. but remembering that there are multiple universes/realities out there that i exist in simultaneously to this one comforts me. it makes me realize that the things i'm feeling anxious or stressed about are small.

thinking thoughts like, "i'm in the middle of slaying a dragon in another reality somewhere. i'm pretty sure ordering food isn't that scary", "shifting to other realities will have it's own obligations. having to do a presentation for this class just so happened to be my current realties obligation", or "if i can do it in every other reality, i can do it here. i'm limitless".

these reminders tend to help me a lot, especially in the darkest of times. it also helps me to be in tuned with my dr self depending on the situation and dr i can connect it to. for example, driving. to make it short, it has personally be an anxiety-filled experience. but saying to myself, "i literally drive in my vampire diaries or twilight dr all the time [any said dr]. if i can do it there, i'm sure i can do it here". a sense of relief washes over me and i begin to feel calm again.

as for situations like dealing with family drama or any issues in general. it's comforting to know that i can use reality shifting as a form of escapism. merely thinking of the fact that, "i'm not dealing with this in [said dr]" can be relieving as well. maybe even asking yourself, "what would my dr self do in this situation?" or "how would my dr self cope with/handle this situation".

in hopes that you would choose to healthily cope with/handle the situation, maybe your dr self would go to one of your greatest friends to vent or seek advice? maybe you aren't ready to talk about it? what i'd do if i were in my hogwarts dr, i'd go down to the black lake to just put my feet in the water or skip rocks. being close to water helps me to be calm and think clearly while also processing my emotions. just thinking about what i'd do as my dr self helps me to face what i'm feeling/thinking about in a better way. a way that doesn't lead to self destruction but growth.

i'm hoping this brought comfort to you like it did me. you can overcome anything, just like you always do in all your other realties! as always, Happy Shifting!

xoxo, c!

[eksvaized]

StripClubOwner!Simon x Reader

After you start dating Simon, who is the owner of not one but three popular strip clubs, you find yourself deliberately avoiding them.

The main reason for this aversion is that you don’t want to be trailing behind him for hours on end while he attends to his business. Moreover, it’s difficult to ignore the way the dancers gawk at your boyfriend with obvious admiration, which they don’t bother hiding. Not even when you're glued to his side, holding his hand.

You’ve never considered yourself a jealous girlfriend. You’re secure in your relationship and you trust Simon. But there are moments when you find your confidence waning. This often happens when you see the amount of attention that he attracts, particularly from the girls who work for him.

They're always around him, their eyes following his every move, their laughs a bit too loud, their smiles a bit too wide. The intensity of this attention becomes especially palpable when he walks into the dressing room to hand out their checks. It’s almost as if the atmosphere changes—the air electrifies with expectation. The girls straighten up, their backs arching subtly, their faces lighting up.

It’s these moments that leave a sour taste in your mouth. You try to brush it off, to reassure yourself that it’s all in your head. But the feeling of insecurity, instigated by these instances, clings to you, stubborn and unyielding.

At first, Simon’s unaware of the turmoil brewing within you, oblivious to the anxiety you feel and blind to the fact that you are increasingly crafting excuses to avoid setting foot in his clubs. This avoidance goes unnoticed by him for a while, your subtle changes in behavior flying under his radar. But when he finally picks up on it, it leaves him feeling more than just a bit frustrated.

That frustration eventually leads to a conversation where he asks you directly about your reluctance to visit his clubs. Faced with his question, you spill your guts out about how it all makes you feel insecure.

Simon, to his credit, listens to your concerns. He doesn’t interrupt or dismiss your feelings, instead he absorbs your words, letting them sink in. After that intense conversation, things change subtly between you two. For a while, he doesn’t bring up his work.

However, there comes a night filled with laughter, deep conversations, and a hearty dinner. Admittedly, the two of you indulge in a little too much to drink. Simon, ever the extravagant spender, spares no expense when it comes to fine alcohol. You, on the other hand, despite not having the same tolerance, try your best to keep up with his pace. The result is you ending up in a state of giggly euphoria, while he, accustomed to such indulgences, barely feels tipsy.

Amidst this atmosphere of light-hearted intoxication, Simon, with a serious expression that starkly contrasts the jovial mood, proposes a solution for you to overcome your insecurity. He suggests an idea that is as unexpected as it is intriguing.

“Dance,” he says. "One of the girls would teach you,." His belief is that by doing, you would not only come to see that you are every bit as talented as his dancers, if not even more so, but you would also realize you don’t need to be jealous or feel insecure.

In the morning, you find that the idea which seemed brilliant the night before doesn’t hold the same allure. However, after a week passes, before the club opens its doors for the night, Simon drives you to it and introduces you to his top tipped dancer.

You’re immediately intimidated, unsure of what to expect. However, as it turns out, your fears were unfounded. The dancer is a lovely woman, slightly older than you, patient and understanding. She starts you off with simple moves that you can practice on the floor. Once she sees you getting comfortable moving around in heels, she encourages you to try some moves on the pole.

The following week is spent training intensively, and surprisingly, it becomes a fun. This happens especially once you find your balance and stop falling each time you raise your legs in the air—the initial awkwardness fades away, replaced by a growing confidence in your movements.

As the month passes, your readiness to step onto the stage grows, but it only happens after a lot of persuading from Simon. He reassures you, tells you he wants to show off all the hard work you’ve put into your training.

And show you off, he does. After your debut performance, you’re met with an overwhelming amount of positive attention from the rowdy men in the audience who can’t tear their eyes away from your body. The thrill of being on stage, combined with the generous tips you receive, makes you want to dance again.

You become a regular performer at the club, captivating the crowd with your mesmerizing dance moves and the way your body moves. You never strip, daring only to shed a few pieces of clothing here and there, but that doesn’t prevent you from becoming the customer’s favorite—your aura becomes a magnetic pull, drawing in patrons night after night.

Simon’s overjoyed when you decide to leave your shitty job and start working for him. His excitement, however, doesn’t blind him to the need for certain rules. He puts several in place, but there’s one rule specifically created for you — no lap dances. Under no circumstance is anyone allowed to lay a hand on you.

But there are those who dare to break the rule. Occasionally, men attempt to get their hands on you. But each time, they end up with broken fingers.

Surprisingly, the pain and humiliation don’t deter them. They return to the club the following night, attracted to you like moths to a flame.

I wanted to write a short fic based on this, but I already have many WIPs >.<

[pitchsidestories]

anxiety II Cata Coll x reader

masterlist I word count: 2081

summary: cata helps you through your anxiety attack right before your first El Clásico game for Barcelona. Inspired by this sweet request here.

Your heart beat way too fast in your chest. You could feel it.

There was not enough air in your lungs, no matter how often you breathed in and out.

It was suffocating. Too tight.

Your thoughts were racing too, still you couldn’t catch a single one of them.

Catas voice floated over to you. She sounded muffled, far away even though she stood right beside you.

“Amor? It’s time to get on the bus…“, she said gently.

You caught yourself, focusing your gaze on her: “Oh uhm… right.“

She took your hand into hers, pulling you with her onto the team bus: “Come on. Jonatan doesn’t like to wait.“

You let yourself drop onto the seat next to Cata.

All around you, your teammates were talking. Excitement dripping from their conversations, causing the bus to vibrate with anticipation.

Only you remained quiet during the drive. You had a hard time keeping up a conversation when you were as overcome by anxiety as you were now.

And in your opinion, you had every right to feel anxious.

This was your very first season at Barcelona since you joined from a much smaller club and this was also your first El Clásico. You knew how much significance this game held for everyone involved. And this time, it would be played in the famous Camp Nou.

All of this should feel like a dream to any football player but to you, this felt like an absolute nightmare.

As the bus neared the stadium, the crowds of fans in Barcelona and Real Madrid jerseys became larger and larger. You watched dumbfounded from your seat. This was something that you had never seen before, especially not at your former club.

You felt the panic creeping up your spine once more.

“Wow… so many people. Are they all coming to our game?“, you asked, your voice shaking slightly. Secretly, you hoped that someone would say no.

Instead, Ona almost stood on her seat without tearing her gaze from the sea of fans: “It’s amazing, right?“

“I heard it might be sold out.“, Alexia offered more information with twinkling eyes.

You swallowed hard: “Wait, really?“

“Yes.“

“Holy shit.“, was all you could offer. Why couldn’t you be as excited to see so many people? Why was it so easy for everyone else to enjoy this game?“

Mariona smiled at you: “This will be great.“

“Probably.“, you mumbled quietly.

You focused on your breathing until you finally arrived at the stadium. You jumped out of the bus with everyone else, dropped your bag on a bench at the dressing room and disappeared in the restrooms. You didn’t even have the time to appreciate the luxury of this stadium.

You also didn’t care much about that when you knelt on the tiled floor, dry heaving into the toilet bowl.

“Amor?”, your girlfriend called for you in a worried tone, you haven’t heard her coming in until she started speaking.

“Yes?”, you mumbled as you rested your head on the cold ground.

“Everything okay?”, the goalkeeper asked audibly concerned.

“No, I can’t go out there and play.”, you replied quietly.

“Of course you can.”, she stated while letting herself in before wrapping her strong arms around your smaller frame.

“This is too big for me, Cata. I’m used to small, small island, small club, this might be a mistake.”, you listed nervously.

“A mistake? Y/n, Barca signed you because they wanted you. They know what you’re capable of. And we saw that in training too.”, Cata reminded you.

“But this isn’t training, what if I fail the team, the fans, you.”, you bit your lip, sharing your darkest thoughts with her.

Empathetically the fellow player strokes your back gently:

“You won’t fail.”, the brunette declared reassuringly.

“Cata, you can’t know that.”, you shook your head slowly.

“Yes, I can. I know you.”, your girlfriend replied sincerely.

“Do you think so?”, you raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yes, remember when we fell of the boat during high waves and you stayed calmer than me?”, Cata began.

“Of course, I could never forget that we were teens back then.”, you nodded.

Back then you have taken a boat from your older brother to enjoy a day on the sea, far away from the tourists who flooded Mallorca each summer. It’s been the summer where your friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship.

But the weather was something you both underestimated, the suddenly harsh weather hit you by surprise, the two of you were landing in the water. Your normally relaxed girlfriend was panicking, despite your anxiousness you stayed calm in the moment bringing you save to the sandy beach.

“Yeah, but this isn’t much different from that.”, the words of the goalkeeper made you return to the present.

“It’s not the sea.”, you corrected her.

“Maybe it’s not the same situation. But the solution is the same. Everything will come to you if you remain calm.”, Cata reassured you.

“I feel a bit better now.”, you admitted, getting up from the floor with her helping hands to lead you back into the changing room.

“Do you want a hug now or not?”, she questioned smiling.

“I could need a special Cata hug to be honest.”, you confessed.

“Here you go.”, the goalkeeper hugged you grinning.

For a moment you closed your eyes, your girlfriends embrace was so comforting to you. 

“Thank you.“, you whispered against her shoulder.

You suddenly felt a weight on your back and you found yourself sandwiches between Cata and another person.

“Can we join the hug?“, Claudia asked as if her arms weren’t around you already.

Cata sighed with her eyebrows raised: “A group hug? Seriously?“

“Okay. No group hug. Maybe later.“, Claudia pouted playfully.

You knew she didn’t mind but still you felt bad denying your teammates a hug.

Apparently Cata could feel your hesitation so she winked at the younger player: “You will get one later, promise.“

Once Cata let go of you, you were able to keep your anxiety at bay as you went through the motions. You put on your shirt and your shoes, you had another sip of water and forced yourself to have a small snack before you went out for the warm-up.

There, you finally got a look at the inside of the stadium. Your stomach dropped at the sight of all these people and the stands were not even completely filled yet.

Your thoughts started spinning subconsciously again, catastrophizing. Images of yourself failing at the easiest tasks flooded your head. What if you disappointed your teammates? What would the fans think? Would Cata be embarrassed for you?

You tried to focus on your warm-up session as best as you could but the uneasiness never left you.

It got worse, the closer it got to kick-off. You stood in the tunnel next to Alexia, looking out at the crowd and tried to pull it together.

Your hands were sweaty and shaking. You should have went to pee again. Two times was definitely not enough.

“The nerves were getting to you, huh?“, Alexia said suddenly.

You looked over to her. It looked like you were hiding your current nervousness well enough right now.

“Yes.“, you replied flatly.

Your captain nodded slowly, never tearing her gaze away from the fans: “That’s normal. Camp Nou is a very special place.“

She almost sounded in love.

“It is.“, you agreed, biting your lip.

Finally, she turned to look at you. A gentle smile played on her lips. “You will see. It is almost magical.“

At any other time you would have loved to listen to her musings about Camp Nou but that was definitely not the case in this moment.

“Can’t wait…“, you said.

“And also…“, she continued.

“Yeah?“

“Cata will have your back the full ninety minutes. Literally.“, she smirked.

Cata agreed right behind you: “That’s right. Let’s go!“

You could feel her hand on yours, squeezing once for encouragement.

The two of you locked eyes and you gave her a small nod: “Okay, let’s go.“

The game was on, the atmosphere with the thousand of fans in the stadiums was exhilarating.  Your heartbeat matched the beating drums.

As a player though you didn’t find the time to take this side of the match in instead you tried to stay focused and much to your own surprise it worked. While playing against the Madrid players and with your team you felt the same calmness you had when you saved Cata and yourself from the troubled sea.

Even then one of the women in the white jerseys tackled you, you were able to stay in the moment. The anxious thoughts couldn’t reach you right now.

“Are you okay, y/n? She tackled you pretty hard?”, Patri wanted to know from you in a concerned tone.

“Yes, I’m okay.”, you told her as she helped you to get back on to your feet.

“You don’t need anything?”, the midfielder continued being worried.

“No, I’m good.”, you assured her ready to take the free kick yourself.

The Barca fans were holding their breath, watching the ball flying in the air until it reached one of your teammates heads who scored the first goal of the game.

With sparkling eyes Alexia pulled you into a grateful hug: “Nice one. Told you there was something special about this stadium.”

“It feels like a theatre of dreams and your goal was amazing, Ale.”, you agreed beaming.

After the ninety minutes were played you sprinted straight into Cata open arms: “It was scary at first, but when it felt amazing.”

“I told you.”, your girlfriend answered proudly, holding you tightly.

“Time for the group hug!”, Claudia demanded in the background, interrupting the sweet moment between you two.

During the embrace of your teammates, Ona congratulated you smiling brightly:” Y/n, you were so good on your first game at Camp Nou.”

“Thanks, Oni.”, you whispered thankfully.

“I had no doubt about that.”, Cata threw in with a cheeky smirk on her lips.

“Of course not.”, Patri rolled her eyes playfully.

“She’s just that good.”, the goalkeeper shrugged.

“You’re so in love with your girl.”, Claudia commented teasingly.

“Maybe.”, Cata admitted, having only eyes for you as she spoke which warmed your heart even more.

“Not maybe, definitely.”, Salma corrected her giggling.

“Yeah, okay. But also, I know how good she is.”, your girlfriend responded.

“Y/n, she’s your number one fan.”, Alexia observed amused.

“So am I of her.”, you replied sincerely.

A gagging noise from beside you made you look over to your right.

Lucy grimaced, pretending to throw up. “That’s almost too sweet to believe it.“

“Yeah but looking at the two of them… I believe them.“, Mariona said, smiling at you and Cata.

You started to get a bit uncomfortable with the attention from your teammates so you asked innocently: “Can we change the topic? We have a win to celebrate.“

It still felt absolutely surreal that you had taken part in winning the infamous El Clásico.

“What about a light night swim?“, Cata suggested, fanning herself with her gloves.

Your teammates all exchanged sceptic glances. You couldn’t blame them, most of them probably just wanted to go home after an exhausting evening.

Jana raised an eyebrow: “Seriously?“

“It’s warm. Why not?“, Cata shrugged.

You grinned at your girlfriend: “I’m in.“

“Fine. It’s only us then.“, Cata laughed as no one else seemed interested.

You wouldn’t say that your were too sad about that. “Alright.“

After a quick shower and getting dressed in a rush, Cata took you the beach.

You could barely contain your happiness once you heard the crashing waves and tasted the salt in the air.

“We won!“, you yelled as you dashed towards the water. You just ran until the water reached up to your hips. It was just as refreshing as you were hoping it would be.

Cata followed quickly: “We did!“

She stopped right next to you, pulling you close to her.

You stood chest to chest, the water moving around you but you stood there, still and immoveable.

You smiled at Cata.

She smiled back, her eyes glinting in the moonlight.

You leaned forward and kissed her with all the excitement and restlessness of the night: “Here’s to many more wins.“

You knew they would come, whether they were big wins with your team or small wins fighting your own mind. And Cata would always be right there with you to celebrate them all.

[moonlightndaydreams]

Second Chances

Jisung is determined to lose his virginity at tonight’s house party. He never expected you, his former best friend, to be there.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

Pairing: Jisung x female reader

Word Count: 6,989

Trope: Friends to enemies to lovers. High School house party. Loss of virginity. Forced proximity.

Author’s Note: I have decided to write this story in an Australian setting (I was feeling nostalgic) where the drinking age is 18, the final year of high school is year 12, and a lot of students turn 18 during that final year. The characters in this story are 18 because I don’t want underage drinking in my story.

Now, as much as it is set in Australia, I was actually inspired by a 90’s American High School movie called “Can’t Hardly Wait” that popped into my head while I was driving the other day. Particularly Seth Green’s character’s storyline, that I thought “That’s so Hannie coded.” Side note: Seth Green was in the Buffy series and I may have had a crush on him. Shh, don’t tell anyone.

Warnings: anxiety, anxiety attacks, alcohol, past relationship trauma (Han was really mean), mention of pot and vaping, swearing.

NSFW content warning below the cut.

CW: protected sex, mention of sex toys, orgasms. Please let me know if I’ve missed anything.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Jisung ~

“It’s happening boys!” Exclaimed Jisung standing in the middle of the local bottle shop. “Tonight is the night.”

“The night for what?” Jinnie turned his head from the row of bourbon bottles he was perusing.

“Tonight I’m going to have SEX!” He announced proudly.

“Wait! What?” Jinnie said, visibly surprised by his friend’s declaration.

“But you don’t have a girlfriend!” Seungmin piped up after choosing a pack of premixed Smirnoff from the shelf.

“I don’t need a girlfri-”

“And,” Seungmin Raised his hand to hush his friend mid-sentence. “You have no clue how to talk to girls.”

“Yeah dude, you kinda gotta know how to talk to girls before it moves to sex.” Jinnie implored. “Well, usually anyway.” he added.

Jisung scratched his head. “I know how to talk to girls.” he huffed. The other two chuckled and gave each other an amused look. Jisung furrowed his brow. “I do know how to talk to girls.” He whined defensively.

“Yeah yeah. Come on, let’s just buy this alcohol and head over to the party.” Jinnie smirked. “The lucky lady awaits.” he winked, slapping his friend on the ass.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

Standing in the front yard belonging to the most popular kid in the school, Jisung looked up at the double-story dwelling. It was already thrumming with drunk year 12 students, and music was blaring from the living room. Lights were on all throughout the house, except for a few rooms upstairs, which Jisung decided was where people were having sex. Where he’d be having sex in the very near future. If all went to plan.

He swallowed nervously and slipped his hand inside the pocket of his baggy jeans, feeling for the condom packet he’d placed in there safely.

“Man, you're gonna rub a hole in it at this rate. Then what are you gonna do? Convince her that your pull out game is strong?” Jinnie teased. 

“You’ve been checking it’s still in there for the last half an hour.” added Seungmin, and gently put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey Seungmin, wanna bet it’s still in his pocket tomorrow?” snickered Jinnie.

Suddenly a roar erupted from somewhere inside, along with the sound of bottles smashing, followed by loud cheers.

“Oh fuck.” Jisung mumbled, suddenly overcome with anxiety.  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  He could do this. “Alright, what are we waiting for?” Jisung tried to sound cool and suave, but his voice cracked with nerves. He took a deep breath, and with a self-determination not dissimilar to the Little Engine That Could, Jisung, with his two best friends in tow, entered the party.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Y/N ~

You sat there on the couch in the middle of the crowded living room, questioning your existence. This wasn’t even a party from your school. Well technically it used to be your school, but not for the past two years. Some students still recognised you though, and you felt like crawling into a hole every time someone pointed a drunken finger at you and yelling “Oh my god y/n! I thought you’d fallen off the face of the earth!”, or worse, hug you and say the exact same thing.

As the couple to your right’s makeout session started to heat up and the girl climbed onto the boy's lap, her flailing limbs almost knocked your drink out of your hand. You reminded yourself that you’d come to this party as wingman to your one and only friend, Felix. Felix, who begged you to support him as he came to confess his love to some guy named Chris. You had questioned why he needed to announce his feelings at a fucking party and not online like a regular person, but he’d insisted that this was the only way.

Now Felix had disappeared, and you swore the couple next to you had escalated things to the guy rubbing the girl’s pussy under her skirt. 

“I know what you’re thinking.” a voice to your left interrupted your thoughts. You snapped your head up to meet a rather attractive boy with almond shaped eyes and light brown hair.

“What? Like how to dissociate when people are feeling each other up next to you? Or how the fuck did I end up here in the first place?” You said sarcastically.

The boy smirked. Like a devil. “Well, no. I guess I don’t know what you’re thinking afterall.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Why? What did you think I was thinking, hmm?” You challenged him.

“That that looks like fun,’ he pointed to the horny lovers next to you. “and where can I hook up with a guy who knows what he’s doing?” He leaned in “and just so you know, that guy there has no clue what he’s doing.”

You were shocked by this boy’s self assuredness. “And you’re the expert, I suppose?” You raised one eyebrow.

“Well if you come upstairs with me, I can show you that I am very much an expert.”

You laughed dryly. “As much as I am really not enjoying it here,” you gestured around the room. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to respectfully decline your offer.”

Minho leaned back and examined your face as though he was weighing up if you were worth pursuing. He clicked his tongue. “Suit yourself then.” He said indifferently. “But if you change your mind, you can find me upstairs. But be warned, you might have to wait your turn.”

With that the boy stood up and left you sitting there stunned. God what a dick, you shuddered and pulled your phone out of your handbag. No messages from Felix. You quickly texted him asking him where he’s at with “Operation Bang Chan”. He hated that that’s what you called tonight’s efforts. He thought it was more a “Sincere Confession of Love”.

Love. You snorted to yourself on the couch. Fuck love. You loved a boy once. Once upon a time. Fuck, that was part of your hesitation in even coming here tonight in the first place. Your former best friend whom you secretly loved. What if he was here? What if you ran into him? You couldn’t think of anything worse. Just the mere thought of him conjured a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You tried to shake the feeling, but shame crept into your chest. The humiliation and rejection from that day seeping back into your body. The feeling as real, as visceral, as the day it happened. The heartbreak, and heartache, suddenly felt like a fresh wound, even though you’d  had two years to heal. His words, his voice, cold and cruel in your head, like he’d only just spoken them.

“Fuck off slag. I’m sick of having you hang around me anyway. Actually, I never even liked you. I just put up with you because I was bored.”

Tears pricked at your eyes. You needed some space. No. You needed to leave. You slipped your phone away and headed upstairs in search of a bathroom. Your plan was to pee, call Felix to tell him you had to go, then catch an Uber home. Easy. Only three steps. You’ve got this. You continued to mumble positive affirmations to yourself as you trudged up the stairs, avoiding the loitering drunk students along the way. 

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Jisung ~

From the outset, Jisung knew he didn’t fit in. He recognised the majority of the kids from the smalltown school, but he hadn’t the faintest idea what most of their names were. Apart from spending time with Jinnie and Seungmin, Jisung kept to himself. He immersed himself in his music. Listening to, and making, music. It was actually how he met his two best mates - in the arts department. Jinnie was a dancer, and Seunmgin loved to sing.

“Are you doing okay, Ji?” Seungmin checked in. Jisung nodded but didn’t speak. The three oddball boys had positioned themselves in the corner of the living room with their bourbon and cokes, and a bottle of premixed Smirnoff for Seungmin. 

To their right, was a group of rowdy athletic types. If this were an American teen movie they’d be called the jocks. But these guys weren’t bullies like a lot of the jocks were in the movies. These guys were just good at sport, and were actually the type to get along with absolutely everyone. How people could actually make small talk to teachers and adults of the community, Jisung didn’t know. But Changbin, the kid whose party this was, and his best mate Chris, were able to do it with ease. The pair were also the most decent humans of the lot. It was the reason Jisung even considered coming to the party in the first place. He knew they wouldn’t kick him out on the front lawn for being unpopular.

As Jisung continued to take in the scene around him, he realised that there were in fact a lot of different friend groups there. From the unpopular bookworms who studied hard, to extremely popular bookworms that studied hard. To the potheads (which Jisung recognised more than he wanted to), and the kids that wagged school and vaped. There were the Surfies, the Gamers, and a few guys that were obviously in their twenties that hadn’t seemed to move on from high school. Losers. Jisung thought to himself, despite very much feeling like a loser himself.

“What about her?” Seungmin pointed to a group of three girls who looked around wide eyed as though they’d never seen a party in their lives.

‘Or her there?” Jinnie pointed to a pair of girls Jisung recognised from his music class.

As the pair continued to target potential candidates to “pop Jisung’s cherry” as Jinnie so eloquently put it, Jisung continued to scan the room. He was taken aback when his gaze landed on a boy whose body language oozed fuckboi confidence. Minho. Jisung was pretty sure that was his name. Fuck why couldn’t he feel that confident? Jisung studied “this Minho” for a long moment. He was seated obnoxiously comfortably, manspread on a couch, a beer in one hand, his other arm spread out across the back of the seat. He was talking, no, hitting on, a girl sitting beside him. Jisung couldn’t quite see her face because some guy was standing obstructing his view. Then all of a sudden Minho stood up, winked at two other girls, and headed upstairs. The two girls followed him. Damn. Thought Jisung. Two girls?

Jisung’s gaze reverted back to where Minho had been flirting with the girl on the couch, wondering what her reaction was to him just getting up and summoning two chicks to follow him upstairs. To those dark rooms. 

The guy who had been standing in Jisung’s line of vision stepped to the side momentarily and he got a clear view of who Minho had been talking to.

His heart stopped beating, and he felt a surge of heat wash over his face before his blood drained away entirely, leaving him feeling like he’d seen a ghost. You. Then you stood up and headed upstairs too.To where Minho was.

The room felt like it was spinning, and the voices around him became muffled like he was underwater. Oh god he was going to be sick.

“Ji? Ji are you okay buddy?” A voice, Seungmin? asked. But Jisung couldn’t answer.  “You’re all sweaty, man.”

“I think he’s having a panic attack. We should probably get him some fresh air. Hey, Ji. Mate? Let’s go somewhe-“

“I gotta get out here!” Jisung cried. He yanked Seungmin’s hand off his arm and rushed away as fast as possible.

Upstairs.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Y/N ~

There were several doors on the landing and you had no idea which one was the bathroom. You cracked open a door revealing what seemed to be a bedroom with some dark shapes moving about on the bed and making some grunting sounds. You quickly closed that door, thankful they didn’t seem to notice your intrusion.

You tried another door. But this time the occupants did notice you. “Well, it looks like the kitten has changed her mind.” Minho said with an air of triumph. The two girls that were clinging onto him turned to you with a look of disgust. You rolled your eyes, closed the door and quickly moved on.

Finally, you found the bathroom. You closed your eyes and leaned against the door, relieved you were finally alone. You let out a long exhale, then opened your eyes to take in your surroundings. The bathroom was spectacular, although rather garish with the decor. Everything in the room was huge. The room itself was twice the size of your bedroom, with a large bathtub along the far wall, and a giant window above it. The vanity was long with an expensive looking custom sink with gold tap fittings, and the mirror above was trimmed with a gold frame to match. This Changbin fellow was rather well off, wasn’t he?

You relieved your bladder on what you were certain was the most expensive toilet you’d ever sat on, and watched your reflection as you washed your hands at the sink. You barely recognised yourself tonight. This setting, a school party setting, was not where you fit in, and you could tell just by looking at yourself. You looked so lost and out of place. You wondered for a moment what life might have looked like if you hadn’t moved and changed schools? You wondered if you would have been able to face the boy that broke your heart. Would you have gotten over him? Could you have faced him everyday? If you were honest with yourself you hadn’t gotten over him even now, even when you hadn’t seen him since that day. Even when he hurt you so fucking badly.

You shook the thought away and picked up your phone to see if Felix had returned your message. Flat. The battery was fucking flat. Well that was just fucking great. You groaned in frustration just as the bathroom door opened and slammed closed, causing you to snap your head over to the door to find yourself looking at the back of a boy wearing baggy jeans and an oversized t-shirt and leaning his face against the door.

“What the fuck, dude! Don’t you know how to kno-”

The words died on your tongue when the boy turned around and you were standing face to face with the last person you ever wanted to see again. 

He stared back at you. Pure horror on his face. 

“Jisung?” you felt your heart pounding in your chest.

“Fuck.” Jisung mumbled and quickly turned back around to open the door. He turned the handle, but nothing happened. He tried again. Nothing. He was becoming more and more frantic as he gripped the handle, rattling it and pulling at the door, like he was trying to run for his life. “No. No. No. I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe. I have to get out.” Then the door handle fell off entirely, silencing him momentarily. Jisung bashed his head on the door, then turned and sank to the floor defeated. He scrunched his eyes tight, brought his knees up to his chest and covered his face in his hands. “I have to leave. I can’t be here. You can’t be here.”

You watched your former best friend falling apart on the bathroom floor. So he still had anxiety attacks then? Something pulled at your heart. 

Putting everything you felt about Jisung aside, the anger, the heartache, the humiliation, you moved closer to him, as if on autopilot, sliding down next to him on the floor. “It’s okay Ji.” you soothed. “You’re having a panic attack. We’ve been through these before, remember? And we’ve gotten through it every time.” 

Jisung shook his head. “No. I have to get out of here. Trapped. I’m trapped. Why am I hallucinating? You’re not real. I never hallucinate. Oh god the attacks must be getting worse. I fucked up so bad. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I need to get out of here.” He rambled, rocking his body back and forth. You gently placed a hand on his knee. “Ji. I need you to focus on your breathing okay? Focus on the exhale. That’s it, long exhales. Focus on my hand. Can you feel that?” 

You sat with Jisung through his attack, gently bringing him back to the present moment and walking him through the steps you knew worked for him. Eventually, he removed his hands from his face and peered at you through teary eyes. “I thought I’d never see you again.” he whispered. “Why are you here? Why are you helping me after…after I did what I did?” he averted his eyes.

You sat up straight feeling uncomfortable at the mention of that day. “Well, you needed help.” you sucked in your lip. “And we need to call someone to open the door. Where’s your phone?” 

“Phone?” Jisung echoed vaguely. He patted his pants. “Shit.” he reached inside his pockets. “Fuck!” he groaned and you could visibly see his anxiety bubbling up again. He pulled out his empty hand, not noticing he’d dropped something out of his pocket. You picked up the little square wrapper, only releasing what it was upon closer inspection. A condom.

So he goes to parties and sleeps with girls then?

“Um…here. You dropped this.” you said awkwardly, handing the condom back to Jisung who glared at you as he snatched it back, shoving it deep inside his pocket again.

“Well?” you said. Jisung didn’t respond. “Your phone?” you added expectantly. The sooner you got out of there the better.

“I-I don’t have it.” He said quietly. I must have dropped it. Out there.” he gulped. You banged your head against the door in frustration and closed your eyes.

“Wait. Where’s your phone?” he quizzed defiantly.

“Fucking flat.” you replied not opening your eyes. “Eventually someone will need to use the bathroom, right? Right?” you peered over to Jisung who looked exhausted.

“I think this house has at least four bathrooms. So our chances of escaping might not be as good as you think.” he replied.

“Fuck.” you sighed.

“Yep. Fuck alright.”

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

You spent the best part of the next hour trying to figure out a way to escape. Starting with screaming for help, and bashing on the door, to eventually finding the clean towels and pulling them out of the vanity cupboard with a great escape plan of tying them all together and using it as rope to climb out the window.

“I don’t think it’s going to work.” Jisung said watching you sit in the middle of the bathroom floor attempting to tie two towels together. You scowled at him.

“There aren’t enough towels, and they're too chunky to tie.” he said plainly.

“Well it works in the movies.” you huffed.

“Pretty sure they use bedsheets not towels. Anyway, I need to pee so…” he gestured for you to turn around.

You rolled your eyes and turned away, focusing on your plan.

Jisung flushed the toilet and washed his hands.

“Fine. I give up.” you conceded and tossed the two towels back into the pile and threw yourself on top of it dramatically.

“Look,” he said, pulling the towels out from underneath you. “We might not be able to gallantly climb out the window, but we can make the floor more comfortable.” he started laying the towels out on the floor in front of the bathtub and then sat himself down. “Yep. Much better. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t feel my arse before.”

Sighing, you crawled over and sat beside Jisung and leaned on the side of the bathtub. He was right, this was a little more comfortable.

“So now what?” you said looking at the ceiling.

“I guess we really will have to wait.” he shrugged.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Jisung ~

Time passed slowly, and Jisung didn’t know whether he should attempt to make conversation or stay quiet. You probably hated him after the things he said to you. Should he bring it up? See if you were open to talk about what had happened? Should he just make small talk and pretend nothing had ever happened at all? In the end he said nothing. At least that way he couldn’t make things any worse.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t use your-” you nodded towards Jisung’s pocket where the condom packet was safely tucked away.  “I mean, I’m sure you can go one weekend without sex.” You nudged him in the leg teasingly.

“Well, about that.” Jisung cleared his throat. “Well..I’ve never…well.. you know?” He hesitated and looked away. “Slept with anyone.” he said shyly.

“Oh.” You said, sounding surprised by his admission. “Ooh! Right! So let me get this straight, you came to this party tonight planning to lose your virginity?” You cocked an eyebrow.

“Hey!” He whined defensively, making you laugh. He hadn’t heard you laugh in such a long time. Jisung never thought he’d get the chance to hear it again after you were gone. 

“Well, if we do get out of here, there’s a guy across the hall who’d probably be happy to help you out. Apparently he’s an expert.” You said sarcastically. “I’m sure he’d love to give us both our first times.”

Jisung met your gaze. “Wait, you’re a virgin too?” he asked wide eyed.

“Why? Does that surprise you, Jisung?”

“Well, yeah. I was certain a girl like you would-” Jisung’s eyes widened even more. “No! That came out so wrong.” He clapped his hand over his mouth.

“What? A slag like me?” you said coldly.

Jisung grabbed your hands, panicstricken. “No, baby!” he cried. “Oh, god! No. I never thought that! I fucked up so bad that day. I…I was a fucking dickhead. I was mean. Oh fuck, I was so cruel to you.” tears filled his eyes and began to spill down his cheeks.

You looked down at the floor. 

“Baby, baby…please look at me. Say something.” He squeezed your hands in his. You didn’t pull away.

“What did I even do to you to make you say those things? Why do you hate me so much?” you asked quietly, turning to him.

“I…don’t hate you baby! It… I… well I was told you’d been sleeping with some guy. I mean, I know we weren’t actually going out, but when I’d heard you had… slept with someone…and that you were moving schools too… and hadn’t told me that either… I just freaked out. I was hurt. I wanted you to be with me. But you didn’t want me. I thought you weren’t going to tell me anything and you’d be gone. Gone with another guy, and leaving. Behind my back. I was so pathetic.”

You sat in silence taking in what Jisung had just shared. 

“You really thought I’d do that to you?” you said eventually. “Jisung! Why didn’t you just talk to me? Why believe what some bitch told you?” You started to cry too.

“I know I shouldn’t have believed her. She showed me text messages and everything. Texts you’d allegedly sent.” He shook his head. “And then I found out it was all a lie. They’d fucking made that shit up. And you’d gone. Then I was angry that you didn’t confront me, pull me up on it. That you just let me say all those horrible things to you and you said nothing. You didn’t even try to defend yourself. That’s when I had the biggest panic attack of my life. When I realised how bad I fucked things up.” 

Jisung sobbed as he thought back to when he told you he hated you. That you were a nuisance to him. He hadn’t even meant any of it. Not really. He didn’t think anyone would ever really know how much it was killing him to speak those words. How it felt like he was being stabbed in the heart when your face fell. He even knew the exact moment the words hit you the hardest. The way your eyes blinked back tears. Jisung winced at the memory. He’d tried to tell himself that it was for the best. That it was the easiest way to break the friendship off. That you deserved it, even. But you didn’t deserve it. Any of it. You hadn’t done anything at all. It was his fault.

“Why didn’t you come find me? Apologise? Make things right?” You croaked.

“I was sure you’d have moved on, and I believed you were better off without me.” He hung his head.

“Ji. You hurt me so much. You know that right?” 

He looked at you and nodded solemnly. “I know.”

“Like, no one has ever hurt me like you did. You made me feel worthless.”

“I’d do anything to take it back. To make it right.” Jisung whispered. He looked at you with regret in his eyes.

“But,” you looked directly at him. “At least I now know the reason you behaved the way you did. But fucking hell man, you went about it in the worst way possible. Look, I’m not forgiving you for behaving like that. Not by a long shot. But,” you sobbed loudly. “But I missed my best friend.” You began to cry harder, losing all self control and letting the tears stream down your cheeks. “I missed you, and I didn’t want you to hate me like you did. You hated me and I didn’t know why?” 

Jisung pulled you close to his chest and rested his chin on the top of your head as you cried against his chest. He hated himself for how he’d made you feel. He was responsible for this. He was responsible for fucking up your friendship. He was in love with you and he’d pushed you away. He wanted to look after you and take care of you, but he’d told you he didn’t want you around. He wanted to be the one who made you smile, not make you cry.

His life hadn’t been the same after you’d left. No one was there to share his thoughts with, or stay up late talking about random shit, or share his music with. There was no one there who could help him through his anxiety the way you could. No one laughed at his silly jokes the way you did. No one made him feel like he could be his awkward, quirky self except you.

But somehow fate had brought you back together and he was determined to fix this.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Y/N ~

You let yourself relax into Jisung’s embrace and cried your eyes out. You felt safe in his arms despite him being the reason you were hurting. But he was hurting too. Both when he thought you’d betrayed him, and even now. He was hurting now and you couldn’t hate him. You kind of understood his perspective. You could definitely see that he knew how he’d fucked up.

You don’t know how long you sat there like that, but eventually you lifted your head and looked at Jisung. “Am I all red and puffy?” You smiled despite the heaviness in your chest.

Jisung half smiled. “Yeah.” He said softly. “What about me?”

You reached up to wipe Jisung’s tear streaked cheek and took in his features. You really looked at him. He was still your Jisung. His cheeks weren’t as chubby, his jaw a little more coarse where he shaved. “You’ve grown up.” You whispered and your eyes locked. Your heart sped up. The way he was looking at you, it was different to the way he’d looked at you previously. The tension was palpable.

Jisung cleared his throat and broke eye contact. “Well I’m an adult now.” He joked like he was trying to change the energy of the moment. “I can vote now.” He added proudly. 

“Hmm lucky us, huh? Allowed to vote.” You followed his lead. “And we can drink? And get into nightclubs and pubs.”

“I’d rather just have a quiet movie night than do all that going out.” He said thoughtfully. “I’d prefer the quiet life I think.”

You leaned away from him and looked at him quizzically. “But what about your music? Aren’t you wanting to play in some of those places?”

“Depends. Will you come watch me if I do?” He asked.

You nodded. “I miss your music.”

“Well I’ve written a lot of songs in the last couple of years. Mostly angsty stuff.” He blushed.

“I’d love to hear everything if you ever wanna show me.” You leaned back against the tub. “Well here’s to adult life, hey.” you sighed.

“That’s if we ever actually get out of here. We might survive a couple of days in here, but the outlook doesn’t look good.” Jisung laughed dryly. “But at least we have a toilet.” 

“And water to drink and wash ourselves with. I like the look of this bath.” You glanced over your shoulder.

“We might starve to death, but we can enjoy bubble baths in the meantime.” He joked.

“I’m pretty sure I saw some organic, all natural sugar scrub when I was searching the cupboards. Maybe it’s edible?” you suggested.

You both laughed, finally feeling more at ease with each other. It felt familiar. It felt nice.

“I can see the news headline: Two virgin teenagers starve to death in a luxurious bathroom after being trapped for three weeks.” You announced in your best newsreader’s voice.

“God, that’s sad.” Jisung shook his head. “Hey? Do you remember that pact we made?” he turned to you.

Your laugh faded. “Oh.” You cast your mind back. “Oh my goodness. Yes! I remember.” You covered your mouth to hide your smile. “If either of us hadn’t had sex by sex by eighteen-“

“We’d have sex with each other.” He gave a shit eating grin. You smirked at him and shook your head in disbelief. “Jisung!” You punched him playfully in the arm and leaned into his body. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and squeezed your arm affectionately. This felt so natural, so easy. You laid your hand across his waist, still so tiny, and played with the fabric of his shirt. “Ji? Did you mean what you said earlier? That you wanted to be with me. Like more than just best friends?” You waited silently for him to answer.

“Yeah. I always wanted to be more than just your best friend.” He said in a quiet voice.

You slowly lifted your chin up to look at him. He gazed down at you with the softest eyes. Slowly, he tilted his face down towards yours and brushed your lips with his. It was electric despite it being the briefest of contact. He pulled away just an inch, hesitating to continue. Waiting for you to give him a signal to either keep going or to stop. Your eyes flicked up from his lips to meet his eyes momentarily before wrapping his shirt in your fist and pulling him back into another kiss. An unexpected whimper got caught in your throat as Jisung’s lips moved against your own. Slow but firm. His kiss felt hopeful, like a promise.

“I should have come and found you, begged for your forgiveness.” he said breathily between kisses. “I’m sorry baby, I really am.”

“Shh. Kiss me more.. It feels so right.” you sighed and pulled him back in.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Jisung ~

It did feel right. Kissing you. Jisung wanted to show you how much you meant to him. How sorry he was. How much he wanted to make it up to you. Your lips tasted like heaven, and your body so soft and warm in his arms. You were real and this was really happening.

He cupped your jaw, initiating a deeper kiss and you opened your mouth in response. The moan that slipped from you as he dipped his tongue in to find yours went straight to his cock. You pressed your body against his, panting as your tongues danced, like you were trying to crawl inside him. He could hardly control himself when he felt your hand slip under his shirt and caress his bare skin.

Jisung pulled away abruptly, eliciting a wine from you in protest. You looked drunk and delirious with flushed cheeks and soft, unfocused eyes. You looked like perfection.

“Ji, I want you to be my first.” you declared with a hopeful expression.

Jisung blinked thinking he misheard.

“W-what?” he stuttered.

“I want you to be my first.” you repeated, not breaking eye contact.

Jisung swallowed and studied your face trying to make sure you knew the weight of what you were saying. “Do you want me to be your first too?” you asked in a small voice.

“I want you to be my first and my forever.” he whispered before he could stop himself. Shit.

“There’s my songwriter.” you smiled, stroking his cheek. Then your hand went to rest on his pocket where the condom resided. 

“What? Here? Now? On the bathroom floor at a party?”

You nodded.

“Baby, this isn’t how I envisioned it. I mean, not that I have ever imagined it. Okay, I have imagined it. But…it’s not very romantic.” he looked at you desperately, hoping you’d come to your senses, because if you didn’t he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop himself.

“Jisung, please.” you purred. Fuck, it was the sexiest thing he’d ever heard.

“How can you want me when I hurt you like I did?” he leaned his forehead on yours.

“Let’s forget that right now. I know you’re sorry. I really do. And I know that it wasn’t really you. Let’s focus on moving forward.”  You slid both hands up underneath his shirt making him shiver. His mind automatically imagined what it’d feel like if you wrapped a hand around his dick.

“Okay.” he said finally. “But you have to tell me to stop if you change your mind at any time.”

“Okay.” you whispered.

If this was going to happen, on the floor of a bathroom at a damn house party, then Jisung wanted to at least make it as comfortable for you as possible. He rearranged the towels to provide as much cushioning as possible, and he opened the blinds and turned off the light to allow natural moonlight to fill the room.

Then he was laying you down gently on the floor. “Are you going to undress me now?” you asked boldly.

Jisung felt so nervous as he fumbled at your clothes, peeling off your shirt and jeans, leaving you just in your underwear. In turn, you pulled his shirt off and ran your hands up his back while you pulled him down into a kiss. He let his hands explore your bare skin, his desire, his need, to be closer to you growing stronger by the moment. He was certain you could feel his erection against your leg. You pulled him further on top of you, opening your legs and inviting him to nestle his hips between them. You’d definitely be able to feel his erection now. You ground your core up against him, making him moan and grind back in response.

“Fuck, baby.” he mumbled into your neck. “Feels s’good.” he peeled himself off you to kneel between your legs, taking in the sight of you while he rubbed circles on your hips. Then bravely he brought his thumb to graze over your centre over the top of your panties. You pulled in a sharp breath and Jisung couldn’t help but smirk.

“Ji, please! Take off your pants…I want you now!” you plead. Jisung closed his eyes for a moment in an attempt to control his nerves. This was actually happening. He was about to have sex, and with the girl he’d dreamed of sharing this moment with.

“Please.” you practically begged and your hand slipped down beneath the front of your panties and rubbed at your clit.

Jisung sprung into action. He removed his jeans and boxers, and then peeled your panties off, revealing how your fingers expertly slid through your wetness. “Fuck!” he groaned, and quickly rolled the condom on. 

“Jisung!” you gasped. “You have such a pretty penis.”

“Yeah?” he teased as he positioned himself above you again. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” he asked gently.                

“I’m sure, Jisung.” you locked eyes with his.

Jisung lined his cock up with your entrance and gently pushed inside an inch, feeling your pussy stretch around his tip. He carefully pushed in a little further, your warmth inviting him in and enveloping him. “Is this okay? Am I going too fast?” he inquired.

“Jisung. I may be a virgin but I own a dildo. Please, please I need you in me.” you whimpered.

Jisung’s cock pulsated at the image of you fucking yourself with a dildo, imagining what you’d look like showing him exactly how you did it.         

“Oh so you’ve been stretched out before huh? Well then.” he pushed himself in all the way and paused.

“Mmm hmm. But it’s not as thick as you. You…you’re making me feel so…so full…so stretched. Fuck, you feel so good. So perfect for me…please…can you move now?”

Jisung reached down and gripped onto your thigh, lifting it and pushing it a little more to the side. He rested himself on his forearm and took you in a deep kiss. At the same time he pulled his cock out halfway and sank back in. You both breathed out shakily. This felt too good. He started with a slow rhythm, gradually building up the pace, careful not to thrust too hard. You were so wet, and so fucking tight, It took all his self control not to start fucking you with abandon. But he didn’t want to hurt you. He wanted to give you whatever you needed right now and let you set the pace. It was his absolute downfall when you spoke next.

“Fuck me harder, Ji.” you whimpered.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Y/N ~

Jisung felt heavenly inside you, but you needed more. You needed to really feel him, to feel how much he needed you, to make you his.

Jisung hesitated. “You sure, baby? I might hurt you?”

“Come on pleeeasse… I wanna be yours.”          

Jisung suddenly snapped his hips making you cry out in pure pleasure. “Yes, like that. Don’t stop.”

“I’m not going to last, baby. You feel too…too…fuck.” he panted. 

Jisung began to perspire, beads of sweat on his brow, his hair damp. Sound of your skin slapping together filled the room and you were grateful for the loud music downstairs.

“I’m so close.” he whispered. 

‘It’s okay, Ji. I’m close too. Rub my clit while you fuck me. I promise you’ll like what happens when you do.”

Jisung slipped his thumb in between your bodies. “Right here, baby.” you slipped your hand over his, adjusting the position of his thumb so that he could feel your clitoris. “Rub it in circles. Like this.” you guided him for a few moments before letting him take over.

It was enough to take you to the precipice. “I gonna cum, Ji, fuck me through it.” you cried as your back arched off the floor. His thrusts were deep, hard and controlled and that’s when you felt it. The coil in your abdomen snapping and you were being flung off the cliff.

“Oh god…fuuuuckk! You’re squeezing me so tight… you’re…” he grunted.

“Yes, I'm cumming. Cum with me Ji!” you cried out.

You felt Jisung’s hips falter, and an expression of pained pleasure washed over his features as he filled the condom.

He collapsed on top of you and you held him tight, while you both came down from your highs.

“Oh my god. That was incredible. I could feel you cum.” he lifted his head and looked at you in disbelief.

“It was pretty perfect.” you agreed.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

~ Jisung ~

After you had both cleaned up, which was easy considering you were in a bathroom, you found yourselves fully dressed and sitting back on the floor in front of the bath.

"You know, we could have run a bath and had sex in that.” you suggested as an afterthought.

“Baby,” Jisung said in a serious tone.  “Do you really want to put the past behind us? Start fresh? You’ll really have me after…?”

You took his hand in yours. “Yes, yes I do. But you have to promise to talk to me before ever accusing me of anything. Okay?”

He nodded. ‘Yes of course.”

He leaned in and kissed you, before a banging at the door startled you both and broke Jisung from the bubble you were in. “Ji? Ji? Are you in there, mate?” Seungmin called from the otherside of the door.

“So, should we let them save us, or stay like this just a little bit longer?” he whispered, secretly hoping you actually wanted to stay like this forever.

The end.

🍻 🍸🍹🥂🍾

Thank you for reading my story. I love sharing my ideas with you. If you know any Han Jisung fanfic fans please feel free to reblog and tag them 🥰🥰🥰

@channieandhisgoonsquad @itshannjisung @noellllslut @kangnina @queenmea604 @queen-in-the-shadows @weareapackofstrays

[liketwoswansinbalance]

In the modern publishing landscape, these days, I think like we do not have many (if any) point-of-view characters with low social motivation for whatever reason.

Sure, there are lots of characters with social anxiety or other perceived or legitimate foibles to overcome, there are many YA villain origin stories, and there are many unpalatable, traditionally "unlikable" men in classics, but disregarding those, who else do we have?

Can the state of openly being alone (and content) rarely be presented as morally-neutral or as the end result of a narrative? Must it always be that either being alone is the starting point, so there's room for "personal growth," or that being alone is seen as "undesirable" and/or an indication that the person alone has a "problem" or something otherwise wrong with them, like a deficit or moral failing that in some kind of karmic way gives them "what they deserve," which is being alone and discontent with it?

Characters with society anxiety, any differences in communication, or other reasons that interfere with forging connections "don't count" because they may still be motivated. Traits such as these only stand in the way of gaining relationships, as plot obstacles. They aren't intrinsically tied to indifference or to low motivation. So, these characters clearly are not experiencing a lack of interest. And they are not the ones rejecting others. Thus, they "don't count" as far as the archetype that I'm looking for goes.

Characters who undergo villain arcs or otherwise negative arcs may want to maintain their relationships or gain them, so some examples are immediately disqualified (hence not having low social motivation), even if they are the type of character most likely to alienate themselves by a story's end, conflicting with what they wanted.

(Unfortunately, Coriolanus Snow, who is quite close to the type of protagonist I'm searching for "doesn't count" because he has some drive to keep people in his life.

Rafal Mistral partially "counts," and is satisfying as a character, but also doesn't count because he temporarily makes "friends" or allies, depending on how you look at his exploits. Yet, despite all this, not having friends isn't exactly framed as a morally-neutral state either, so he is also disqualified by the end. Basically, he does have low social motivation, but his narrative lacks the conditions that would make the natural consequences of that low motivation play out for themselves. He is always surrounded by people, even if he hates every last one of them.

And, generally speaking, the usual, moody-broody, "misunderstood" YA love-interests very easily "don't count" because they have a desire to get closer to their object of affection.

Even Katniss Everdeen, an overall good person, who usually views herself as "unlikable," befriends others, originally for pragmatic, survival purposes. However, she does start with low social motivation, so that's something in her favor.

And yes, I'm aware that we need other people in this world—I would just like to see someone prove that supposed truth wrong once. And perhaps succeed in their world, if that's not too much to ask for.)

Also, are there any instances of characters who progressively alienate themselves from others, in which that progression is not inherently seen as negative? Like, what about non-corrupt misanthropes? Are there few of those in literature? (Maybe—Eleanor Oliphant from literary fiction counts, but something about that book did not appeal me and I didn't finish it.)

Classics guys sort of "count," but I haven't really seen examples of any comparable protagonists today since many authors and readers write and look for "relatability" in blank slate everyman figures oftentimes.

(I'm not done with Crime and Punishment yet, but Raskolnikov is very tentatively looking like a safe bet for a character who may end up alone and who may not be completely malcontent over such a fate, even if I'm expecting tragedy. I'm that not far along, but I also wouldn't mind it too greatly if he died, I suppose.

And even Sherlock Holmes has Watson as his constant, even if he's notoriously asocial! So he "doesn't count" either.

Carol from Main Street also comes close, but still ultimately desires approval from others.

Maybe no one is truly immune to humanity and I should give up on this notion?)

How many pov characters out there are 1) apathetic toward the masses and 2a) either alienate themselves as the plot progresses or 2b) do not make any friends? (I will allow them making friends and consequently losing them though because that still ends in net zero!)

Indeed, this "gap" in protagonists I've been running into lately, especially with coming-of-age arcs and protagonists whose arc is some form of "getting out of their shell," is: why do we (almost?) never see protagonists who just flat-out don't progress in terms of connecting with fellow humans?

Wouldn't having even a handful of those types be reflective of reality? (We as a society are more disconnected than ever, to be fair, despite constantly having access to one another via technology.)

Or I would completely understand it, if it were narratively impractical to have a plot in which a protagonist makes zero friends. Maybe, it's a near-unwritable form for a story?

So, my question is: does anyone have book recommendations, which present a character whose end goal is not to make friends or forge connections (any other ambitions or motivations are fine) and whose state of being friendless both lasts and is regarded as morally-neutral or as not outright evil? Any genre is fine. High fantasy is preferable. I am stumped.

(I also wouldn't mind recommendations of books in which the protagonist is vilified due to being alone, even if that is not my primary query here.)

[yandere-sins]

Ok but like… can you do some yandere NSFW könig headcanons? Like if you disobeyed him and you were crying and scared of the punishment but he has to do it but he’s super horny I’m sorry ignore if it’s too thirsty I’m down bad 😩😩😩

You, me, everyone lol. Thank you guys for being down bad for this anxious bad boy, I love him too ♥

Rated Lemon, 18+

»»———————— ♡ ————————««  

♡ If you put huge body mass, anxiety, and social awkwardness in one man, you cannot expect him not to absolutely simp for his darling in any and all ways possible to mankind. Of course, he tries so hard to make you like him and gain your favor until you finally cave in and comply with him asking you to come to him for cuddles. König didn't know he'd get a massive boner the moment you straddle his hips either, but well... now it's there, and he's biting his lip to the point of drawing blood, ready to fall to his knees, begging you not to abandon him once you notice and jump off him. If you don't notice it right away, mistaking the boner for his muscled thighs, you'll probably find out about it from his heavy panting and strangled breaths as he barely lasts a few seconds before cumming in his pants. He's so fucking ashamed and still so fucking hard afterward that it's painful.

♡ I know the real question is: Does he whimper? And tl;dr: He whimpers. It's such a glorious, stammering mess when his cock gets the tiniest bit of attention. König thanks, moans, praises, and then thanks you some more for the opportunity to fuck you, disregarding if you were on board before he started his merciless thrusts or not. Up to climax, he is all but praising the lord for how beautiful, amazing, and enhancing his life you are, and how tight, warm, wet, and well you're taking him. He loves you, he loves you, he loves you. Only to then, abruptly, grow quiet, breath halting as his body tenses, a strangled squeak escaping him as his cock pulses inside you, ready to release all this pressure that has built up for years. It might become a problem that he can't shut up in further sessions because he's downright annoying as he goes on and on while you're trying to reach your own orgasm somehow through the awful experience. But if you demand it from him, König will do his damn best, sounding like a miserable squeaky toy every time he thrusts into you and isn't allowed to say something. It's this hard for him to stay quiet.

♡ He's a huge premature ejaculator with too much stamina. No matter the reason you two are fucking—be it out of emotions overcoming you two or because he can't take it anymore and takes you out of uncontrollable need—König is all but over the moon over every touch or breath against his cock. If there's any warmth to plunge into (mouth/pussy/ass), he's cumming from the slightest stimulation, like a lick or his tip sliding in, only to then get a real taste as his hips move on their own, driving his cock deep inside with no restraints and his jizz as the lubricant. There's no holding back once he's inside you either, as he keeps plowing through both of you continuously reaching climax until he's finally satisfied. However, he still cums more times than you do, filling you up to the brim. I blame it on his lack of real-life experience, so over time and training, König, too, will last a little longer. Though this also means there really isn't a way to tease him for the first year of being caught up with him. König just cums from everything you do once he had a taste of you, even if it's just something like you having nothing clean to wear and putting on his shirt. The stains everywhere are abhorrent.

♡ I do totally believe that König's darling is likely his first and last relationship despite the... situation you two have with him kidnapping you and now using you as a cumdumpster as well. So he's still quite inexperienced, BUT he works incredibly hard to please you regardless. There are surprisingly a lot of tutorials these days on how to please your partner, and König is all too happy to try them on you. Making you cum ultimately also makes him cum, but he's genuinely doing it for you first and foremost, and it elates and motivates him to see you shivering and climaxing right in front of his eyes. There's something so satisfying in knowing he can do this to you, and it almost makes König believe if he keeps going, you'll fall in love with him at some point. He's too delusional to know when to stop or listen to you begging him to accept it when you say no. Once he starts fulfilling his desires, there's no way anyone can stop him. It's like fucking you becomes his second way of breathing.

♡ König probably wouldn't use sex as a harsh punishment. However, he really hates arguing with you (it upsets his anxiety badly), so if he finds out that he can stop arguments with his cock or fingers, there's a very high chance he'll use them against you. Listening to your gurgles or moans is like heaven after the hell every argument is for him, so he'd rather 'punish' you by facefucking you or fry your brain by having you hang from his thick fingers until you're a drooling mess. It's a charming way to stop unnecessary bouts of emotions, and once he learns to keep himself more in check, he'll be happy to leave you behind to go about his day after making sure you can't form any coherent thoughts anymore that would cause more arguing. It's like he resetting you back to more peaceful times, and it works well for him.

♡ While König doesn't like anything that can potentially harm you (he believes that sex should be nice and loving and a wonderful experience for you both while he forces you to take him like an animal), he does have his fair share of kinks. He's totally on board with trying everything once as long as it's between the two of you since he really doesn't like sharing you with anyone. His favorites will always be kinks that mark you in some way, be it covering you in cum, biting, scratching, leaving hickies, painting your inside whites (and all the kinks that support this), and watching it drip out of you as if that means you belong to him now. He also loves all kinds of things that enhance the experience, like groping, toys (though he gets childishly jealous of them), forcing you to roleplay (authority kink in both ways, baby!), foreplay sessions, etc. And when he does realize he might have worn you out, König will simply resort to using your worn underwear or getting off between your thighs to finish his session alone. Nothing compares to being inside you, but it's a pleasant alternative every once in a while.

♡ His curiosity, however, has led to a few reprehensible times, too, especially when it comes to applying his strength. His hands are just a bit too big when they wrap around your throat, and had he not snapped out of it, he might have snapped you. The same goes for being so lost in fucking you that he doesn't realize he's accidentally ramming you into the headboard or slamming you into a wall. Sometimes he won't realize he's squeezing the air out of your lungs with his weight on top of you. Occasionally, these things happen, and they ruin the mood for both of you. Worn out by PTSD, things become increasingly dangerous as he remembers moments from the battlefield, even though you are in front of him. It feels like he's trying to crush you with his arms until you panic and scream his name to pull him back to reality and out of the memories of him killing soldiers with his bare hands. König is so devastated whenever he does things like this, trying to get you comfortable by holding you and coddling you even though you want nothing more but to get away from him. He'll cry and apologize so much that the rest of the day is ruined, and he can never forgive himself for confusing you with a damn bastard on the battlefield. No matter how much you struggle, you won't be able to get out of his hold now either, as he needs to feel you as close as possible to know you're okay while he goes through a full-blown anxiety attack over what he did. But hey! At least you're alive... barely.

[chososbabymama]

The heat from his hand was scorching as you felt him knead the cusp of your ass. He was finally home from a 2-week long mission and you'd decided to don a cute lace lingerie set he hadn't seen yet, eager to surprise your husband when he got home. While one hand was behind you the other had made its way to your mouth, tapping twice on your lips. As instructed, you opened your mouth for him to edge him fingers into. He slowly thrust three digits back and forth and back and forth...teasing you the way he does when your desperate to have him in your mouth.

Sitting atop his lap you could feel him swelling, twitching and jerking in his sweats with every whimper you let escape. You weren't sure how long you could hold out before you started begging him to touch you. The ropes that bound your hands and wove around your chest began to shift as you continuously squirmed on your makeshift seat. You'd missed him dearly these past few weeks, the sparse phone calls could only do so much to satiate your anxiety regarding his safe return. When you knew he would not only be returning in one piece but also with a clean bill of health, you'd been overcome with the urges to give him a welcome home gift to make up for time lost.

However, after weeks without you, you really should have known your husband would take his time. He relished in the way you came undone just for him, and you did too. You just wished he'd finally fuckin' touch you!

As if he heard your thoughts, your lover moved his hand from your ass, and slid in down your lace panties. Expert fingers found your clit, sending waves of pleasure through you; whimpers now becoming outright cries of ecstasy as he played with your center. It didn't take long before your arousal could be heard in the bedroom, your wetness dripping onto his hand and he brought you closer and closer to your peak. You looked down at your lover pleadingly, hoping that he wouldn't deny you of an orgasm after being apart for so long...

He flashed a wicked grin towards you, working his fingers faster. You felt the pleasure shoot through your spine as your orgasm slowly crept up, your toes curled in ecstasy. Your lover knew your body so well; he worshipped you. Heated gaze fixed on your erotic expression, he continued to focus on your clit until he knew you were close. To him, there was something so arousing about knowing that you trusted him enough to pick you apart and pull you back together with just a few soft touches and sweet words. As he watched your thighs tremble he couldn't help but revel in how he's the only one who can see you like this; who can make you fall apart and turn you into an enticing mess of cum, sweat, and tears of pleasure.

Your back arched painfully as you felt your orgasm approach, your walls enclosing his fingers in a vice-like grip when he'd pulled a pebbled nipple into his mouth; gaze still fixed onto your sex wrecked state. He could feel you about to reach your peak and drowned in your moans, he loved to hear you cry out his name and beg for a release no one but him could provide. Just when you could taste the pleasure on the tip of your tongue it was suddenly ripped away as he pulled his hand away to reach and grasp the other side of your ass. You whined loudly in protest, rocking back and forth on his thigh; hoping to get some form of release. He'd quickly stopped your motions with a firm grip of your hits. Whining once more you tried to silently plead with the love of your life to let you cum, you didn't want to wait any longer as the two weeks away were long enough to drive you insane. He took a hand from your backside and used it to cradle your face, he watched with a fond smile as your lids fluttered and your body started to get less tense from being denied your previous orgasm. A thumb came to caress your cheeks and you tried giving him a pleading look, one that usually worked.

"Shh, c'mon now mama don't look at me like that. Been away for 2 weeks and I come back to you dressed up so fuckin' pretty for me, and you expect me NOT to take my time?" He'd started running his hands all over your body, fingers grasping onto any piece of you he could get. He knew how much you'd missed him, he could feel it; but there was some sadistic part in him that loved seeing you so worked up. He wanted to see you lose yourself in pleasure...

You felt yourself being swiftly picked up before he laid you gently down and your shared mattress. You blinked at him through wet as as you watched him get on his knees and place his head between your thighs. You could feel his breath on your sensitive pussy, it felt like you could cum with the brush of a feather. He'd taken his hands and used them to spread your legs, openly gazing at your wetness with a wild hunger you KNEW he'd satiate. You shivered as you watched him lick his lips and move down to your pussy, eyes never leaving yours the entire time,

"Damn, it's good to be home."

-Toji, Shunsui, Sanji, Satoru, Sanemi, Suguru, Shūhei, Uzui, Onyankopon,

[themerelypersonal]

Books I’ve consumed so far in 2024:

The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli

I Contain Multitudes: The Microbes Within Us and a Grander View of Life by Ed Yong

Something Deeply Hidden by Sean Carroll

How to Read Nature: An Expert’s Guide to Discovering the Outdoors You Never Noticed by Qarie Marshall

Helgoland: Making Sense of the Quantum Revolution by Carlo Rovelli

The World According to Physics by Jim Al-Khalili

How Not To Kill Yourself: A Portrait of the Suicidal Mind by Clancy Martin

How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures by Sabrina Imbler

A Series of Fortunate Events: Chance and the Making of the Planet by Sean B. Carroll

Listen: On Music, Sound and Us by Michel Faber

The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

I am a Strange Loop by Douglas R. Hofstadter

Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman by Leslie Feinberg

Spectrums: Autistic Transgender People in Their Own Words by Maxfield Sparrow

All the Flowers Kneeling by Paul Tran

Supporting Transgender Autistic Youth and Adults by Finn V. Gratton, LMFT, LPCC

Nisa by Marjorie Shostak

Determined: A Science of Life Without Free Will by Robert M. Sapolsky

21 Lessons for the 21st History by Yuval Harrari

The Book Of Secrets by Deepak Chopra

The Joy of Science by Jim Al-Khalili

The Rock Warriors Way by Arno IIgner

The Pursuit of Endurance by Jennifer Pharr Davis

Quantum Mechanics, Technology, Consciousness and the Multiverse by Martin Ettington

Born to Run by Christopher McDougall

Connecting with the Autism Spectrum by Casey “Remrov” Vormer

Light Falls: Space, Time, and an Obsession with Einstein by Brian Greene

A Walk In the Woods by Bill Bryson

10 Days in Physics that Shook the World by Brian Clegg

On Being a Therapist by Jeffrey Kottler

Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the language of the human experience by Brene Brown

What do you really want? By Cayla Craft

The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

How to Write an Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee

Chemistry for Breakfast by Dr. Mai Thi Nguyen-Kim

The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin

A Molecule Away from Madness by Sara Manning Peskin

Quantum Wonder: How the Tiny Drives Our Immense Reality by Carl AL-Khalili

Building a Life Worth Living by Marsha Linehan

How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply by David Brooks

Speed Reading by Kam Knight

Being You: A New Science of Consciousness by Anil Seth

You Are Not an Imposter by Coline Monsarrat

You are the Placebo by Dr. Joe Dispenza

Welcome to the O.C.: The Oral History by Alan Sepinwall

Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey by Florence Williams

DBT Made Simple: A Step-by-Step Guide to Dialectical Behavior Therapy by Sheri Van Dijk MSW

Move on Motherf*cker: Live, Laugh, and Let Sh*t Go by Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt, Emma Bryne PhD

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Real and proven strategies for managing anxiety by Charlie Norman

CBT Workbook: 7 Strategies to Overcome Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, Worry, Intrusive Thoughts by Mind Change Academy

Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A comprehensive guide to DBT and using Behavior Therapy to Manage Borderline Personality Disorder by Christopher Rance

Somatic Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Guide to Theoretical and Practical Considerations by Hale Boyd

Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Regulate Emotions, Panic, Anger. Guide for BPD by Dustin Drig

How Confidence Works: The new science of self belief by Ian Robertson

Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Thich Nhat Hanh

The God Equation by Michio Kaku

Dialectical Behavior Therapy by Cindy Crosby

Brief Answers to the Big Questions by Stephen Hawking

Quantum: A Guide for the Perplexed by Jim Al-Khalili

Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet by Thich Nhat Hanh

Einstein in Time and Space: A Life in 99 Particles by Samuel Graydon

Reality is Not What It Seems by Carlo Rovelli

Resurrecting the Body, Reinventing the Soul by Deepak Chopra

A Brief History of Intelligence by Max Bennett

What the Future Looks like by Jim Al-Khalil

Retirement 101: From 401(k) Plans to Social Security Benefits to Asset Management by Michele Cagan

Still the Mind by Alan Watts

Anchor System Thinking by A.I. Shoukry

Finance Basics by Harvard Business Review

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

A Brief History of Earth by Andrew Knoll

The Physics Book by DK

Investing for Beginners by David Cohne

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

Drink? The New Science of Alcohol and your Health by Professor David Nutt

Unique: The New Science of Human Individuality by David Linden

Psychedelics by Professor David Nutt

What do you need? By Lauren Wesley Wilson

Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins

Endure by Cameron Hanes

Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh

Die with Zero: Getting all you can with your money and your life by Bill Perkins

How Humans Evolved by Robert Boyd and Joan Silk

No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz,PHD

The Matter of Everything: How Curiosity, Physics, and Improbable Experiments Changed the World by Suzie Sheehy

The Radium Girls by Kate Moore

Bumpin: A Modern Guide to Pregnancy by Leslie Schrock

Choose Strong by Sally McRae

Outgrowing God by Richard Dawkins

Can We Talk about Israel? By Daniel Sokatch

Black Holes and Baby Universes and Other Essays by Stephen Hawking

Hal Koerner’s Field Guide to Ultra Running by Hal Koerner

The Science and Art of Running by Cooper Barton

Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek

North: Finding my Way While Running the Appalachian Trail by Scott Jurek & Jenny Jurek

7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

Securities Industries Essentials by Kaplan

Above the Clouds by Kilian Jornet

What is Life? by Paul Nurse

What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

Mastering Logical Fallacies by Michael Withey

This is why you Dream by Rahul Jandial,MD,PHD

The Tao of Running by Gary Dudney

Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil DeGrasse Tyson

The Magic of Reality by Richard Dawkins

Parallel Worlds: A Journey through Creation, Higher Dimensions and the Future of the Cosmos by Michio Kaku

Dance of the Photons by Anton Zelinger

Quantum Body by Deepak Chopra

The Heart of Understanding by Thich Nhat Hanh

Annuity 360 Learn All You Need to Know About Annuities by Ford Strokes

Quantum Entanglement by Jed Brody

Relationships by Ram Dass

The Way of Zen by Alan Watts

Ultimate Confidence by Ralf Aabot

101 Essays that will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest

The Science of Happiness by Brendan Kelly

Fighting for our Friendships by Danielle Bayard Jackson

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant

K2: Life and Death on the World’s Most Dangerous Mountain by Ed Viesturs and David Roberts

Know that I Am by Eckhart Tolle

Girls Like Us by Sheila Weller

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships by Dr. Sue Johnson

Girls that Invest by Simran Kaur

Slow Productivity by Cal Newport

Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey

Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle

Retroactive Jealousy by Vincenzo Venezia

Right Thing, Right Now by Ryan Holiday

The Best American Essays 2022 by Alexander Chee & Robert Atwan

Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell

Insecure in love by Leslie Becker-Phelps PHD

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Be Here Now by Ram Dass

Reality, Art, and Illusion by Alan Watts

Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

We Will be Jaguars by Nemonte Nenquimo

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki

List of Books I Consumed in 2023:

The Last climb by David Breashears, Audrey Selkeld, and Audry Salkend

What is Life by Schrodinger

A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Beyond Feeling: A Guide to Critical Thinking by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero

Furniture by Kevin Sheetz

A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson

Relativity by Albert Einstein

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

An Immense World by Ed Yong

Quantum Supremacy by Michio Kaku

White Holes by Carlo Rovelli

A Separate Reality by Carlos Castaneda

Outlive by Peter Attia

Until the End of Time by Brian Greene

Tribe by Sebastian Junger

Ghosts of Everest by Jochen Hemmleb

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Mind and Matter by Schrodinger

Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin

Grit by Angela Duckworth

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a fuck by Mark Manson

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell

The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

Homo Deus Summary a Brief History of Tomorrow by Yuval Harari

Alone on the Wall by Alex Honnold

Why we Believe in God (s): A Concise Guide to the Science of Faith by J. Anderson Thomson

Physics and Philosophy: The Revolution of Modern Science by Werner Heisenberg

The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Chopra

Sacred Woman by Queen Afja

Everest: The West Ridge by Thomas Hornbein

Tracks by Robyn Davidson

The Ink Dark Moon by Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikoku

Einstein by Walter Isaacson

Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman