#how to handle my mom and my own mental state that was already not that good

[tenrose]

So my mom finally told me what's wrong with my grandpa and it was close to what I expected tbh. He has a cancer. Now even if we're not close I'm still affected. But get this, he has known for months and didn't tell my mom, and then on the phone he said to her "I have a cancer" out of fucking nowhere, can't imagine the state of my mom hearing this (so that's why even if I'm pissed she didn't tell me earlier I'm keeping it to myself cause now is not the time), and months back, I talked about the whole drama for Toussaint cause we were supposed to go there and see him (haven't seen him since 2021 at my grandmother's funeral, like I said we're not really close) and it's probably cause he already knew and was suffering but didn't want to tell anyone. Because yes, he has known he wasn't well for months but he did nothing so the cancer is pretty advanced and I didn't tell my mom but from what she said I don't think a chemo is gonna work anymore... Also he didn't want to get treatment, and not cause of money we have healthcare but because he is just like that... And it took many people to convince him to get treated. Anyway he has a surgery booked and then chemotherapy. And it's heavy and also he's old so... But the thing my mom is really worried about is how he isn't going to handle sitting for hours doing nothing. And I'm like "it's not like he has a choice". But I know what she means he always have been low-key hyperactive, running everywhere never stopping (like my mom) and I get that she's worried about that. And maybe I'm pessimistic but at his age and how far it already advanced, I think she should be prepared to lose him. I can't tell her that, as you know communication in my family is not really a thing. So I think she should enjoy the time she has however they can.

And while I'm sad, like I said I'm not that close so I can handle the pain and sadness. But my mom... Her dad is her favourite among her family. And also she handled my grandma's death pretty badly even though they were constantly fighting and my grandmother was an abuser, but unfortunately abuser or not she still loved her mother. Also I know it's gonna cause a lot of family drama because her and her siblings don't really get along. And on the top of that her employer (who is a fucking mayor since work in the mayor office postal service) is a fucking piece of shit who doesn't want her to take her legal paid vacations because they are understaffed. So yeah nothing is going well at the moment.

And I don't know what to do. And yes cause I'm useless I still don't have my driving licence so I can't go see her wherever I can.

[mintmatcha]

tw: implied abuse, no curses au

"Can I ask a question?" Yuuji digs his heel into the wood chips as he swings, digging a growing trench behind him. "You don't have to answer."

Ash falls from the end of Choso's cigarette. He leans against the anchor of the swing set, cheek against cold metal, and sighs. Twilight has passed and the streetlights have turned on, giving the playground a hazy, barely lit glow. Yuuji's guardian will start calling soon, but Choso decides the extra time together is worth the future ire.

"I already told you that I'm not giving you a tattoo."

"Aw, damn-" Yuuji clicks his tongue against his teeth. Ever since they met, he's been dying for a tattoo of his own, throwing out wild new ideas almost every day. One day, when he's eighteen and likes an idea for more than a month, Choso will bring him to his studio and comply.

But, not yet.

"That wasn't my question though," Yuuji says.

"Then go for it."

The younger boy takes a deep breath, then lets it out even slower, pulling the tension longer and longer until it snaps.

"Why weren't you... around? Like, when I was a kid and stuff."

Choso takes his own breath.

"Your mom-- our mom." The taste of that sits bitter on his tongue. He never called her mom, even back then. "She was different for me."

And for our other brothers, he adds silently. Yuuji doesn't need to carry that weight yet, the knowledge that he was the exception to it all.

"Why?" Yuuji pumps his legs a little softer, the back and forth motion of the swing slowly dying out.

"I dunno." Choso wishes he had the answer to that. "She was sixteen, did bad things. Don't worry about it."

Finding out about Yuuji wasn't a shock, somehow. Years after Ken had surrendered her children to the state, Choso had received noticed that she had died. The news felt overdue. No tears were shed, no love lost; the group chat of siblings had all agreed not to go to any service, but the day of, Choso had changed his mind.

He had put on his nicest outfit -some thrift store pants that didn't fit and a shirt he stole from foster dad three- and went expecting to be the only one there, the only one willing to say goodbye.

Choso hadn't known about her new family. They hadn't known about him either. It was typical of Ken to leave a mess in her wake.

Turns out, through a series of lucky breaks, the woman had clawed her way out of poverty and into the arms of a rich, but nice man. Her life was easy and sweet, filled with luxuries and love, including a son ten years younger than her eldest.

No one knows why Yuuji was different than the others, why she decided to be good to him and no one else. Mental illness is strange like that, picking and choosing how it pleases.

Yuuji huffs, gripping the metal chains tighter. "But-"

"Yuuji." Choso drops his cigarette and crushes it under his boot. Then, he thinks about the child that will play there tomorrow, shoveling wood chips into their mouths like idiots, and decides to pick it up. He jams it into his pocket. "You have good memories of her. Don't ruin that."

He used to resent how much Yuuji loved her. He was eight when she died, the same age Choso was when he first had to dial 911 for her. That anger had long faded, replaced with a strange amount of pity.

"But I want to know. What she did and stuff." Yuuji's voice jumps high with emotion. "I'm basically an adult, I can handle it."

"You're sixteen."

"Well, mom was doing this stuff at sixteen, so-" Yuuji is seething suddenly, brow furrowed and teeth grit.

"So?"

"So, she was old enough to be doing bad things and I'm not old enough to know about it?" He stands and the swing clatters behind him. He's stocky, yet tall, bunched with muscles that he's built from baseball. On one side of his cheek, there's a bit of chocolate stuck there, a remnant from the ice cream Choso bought him. Below it, there's a rosy hickey on his neck, a remnant of the boyfriend he hasn't told Nanami about yet. He thinks they're having sex, maybe, but doesn't know how to broach the topic without scaring his brother into never talking about it again.

"And you had tattoos at my age, by the way!"

Choso lets him stew in it, huffing and puffing. The blown out edges of first tattoo peek from under his sleeve, the image barely legible now. An older woman gave it to him at fifteen, in the basement of her house. It became so insanely infected that he ended up in the ER a couple days later.

"I'm not a kid. I can handle it." Yuuji states, calm and clear. "I'm not a kid."

A car passes, it's headlights stretching and pulling the shadows across the park. In the changes, Choso can see his mother in his brother, those soft eyes and thin lips and the same slightly crooked nose that Choso has himself. He thinks, maybe, if time was kinder and his father was better, they'd look more alike each other, but then the moment is gone and they no longer even look like siblings.

"Okay."

Yuuji untenses a bit. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"Like, okay, this conversation is done, or okay, I'll tell you?"

"I'll tell you," Choso says, jamming his hands in his pocket. The cigarette butt is there, mushed and still warm against his knuckles. "But not tonight."

"What?!"

"Next time, I promise."

Choso doesn't understand why Yuuji insists on rushing away from innocence, but he knows that he can't stop him. Yuuji will find out about the abuse, the neglect, the other brothers, and the other horrors in some way or another and then things will never be the same.

"Stay a kid just a little longer." Choso resists the urge to ruffle his hair. "For me?"

"Yeah, sure," Yuuji sighs. "One more day."

[soobibabe]

tubatu world domination

6 members - 6 active

soobin: do you guys ever think about beomgyu: no

soobin: damn can i FINISH my STATEMENT

you: to be fair you were typing like a snail i saw it with my own eyes

kai: i think what you were thinking soobin

soobin: thanks kai

yeonjun: wym 'saw it with my own eyes' ??? YOURE WITH HIM@:@::#*# PKSIMABOUT TOTHROW UP

you: i told you guys i was gonna go to the mall today ?

beomgyu: guys man or bear hehehhhhehehhhheeh>.<<<<<

taehyun: y/n reply to my dm pls.

yeonjun: WHENE DID YIU TELL US YOU WERE GOING TO THE MALLLLWHY DOES SOOBIN GET TO GO EITH YOU

soobin: because im just cunty like that. lolz

you: @gyu ummm probably bear

beomgyu: HEHHEEHHEH you want me so bad

kai: what kind of bear

taehyun: y/n?

you: guys isnt that so weird!!! a blank chat keeps popping up!!!???

soobin: your phones probably broken

brokxn like me... 🥀

yeonjun: i could take a bear

beomgyu: no thx peace and love but FOK no

kai: why isnt anyone questioning this odd taehyun behavior

you: who behavior?? never heard of it sry

yeonjun: taehyun like taehyun your bandmate... early dementia signs i fear now ditch soobin lets go get you checked up ^.^ beomgyu: shes upset because tyun said he was too busy to go out with her today

soobin:

taehyun: i really was busy. pdnim called me in for a meeting about the next Academy Reincarnation season.

you: k

soobin: me personally if i got hit with a k by txts silliest member i would kms lowk

beomgyu: NAWWWW ME TOOO

yeonjun: i'd get hard idk

kai: can we put him on a speaking ban again

yeonjun: PLSEASEESESESE NOOOOOO I'KK STOP PLS LAST TIME WAS HORRRRIBLE

beomgyu: why hasnt soobin gotten one yet hes always talking anf talking anf talking and talking AND HES A NERD LIKE DAMN!!!!!!!!!! PICK A STUGGLE!!!!!!!!!!

soobin: yk youre so nice to me when were alone...

yeonjun: 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂

kai: 👀

taehyun: y/n reply to me me and i'll buy you whatever you want from prada

you: im their ambassador you twat

taehyun: right, yes sorry i forgot how about i bring you flowers and [your favourite food] to the dorm later?

you: deal

kai: HEY WTF ITS THST EASY? the last time you were mad at me you didnt talk to me for a whole SIX HOURS EVEN AFTER I APOLOGISED ON MY KNEES

beomgyu: guys if you weren't already an idol under bighit which bts member would you date

you: all 7

taehyun: jungkook

soobin: jin no wait hobi lowkey he's a cutie

beomgyu: you have to choose ONE y/n

yeonjun: jimin or tae kook is cool but i probably wouldn't be able to handle his fans

you: no ur so right actually i could not handle dating another idol LMFAOO

soobin: ???? wdym i spoke with ur mum already she gave me her blessings we can date :3 even as idols heheheheh you: she did not

soobin: did tooooooo

you: nuh uh when did you even meet her

taehyun: he's lying i was there

yeonjun: hahaha liar liar pants on fire

you: when the hell did you guys meet my mom

kai: well SOMEONE left us on a cliffhanger last week and didn't tell us who she was dating so we did the next best thing...

you: SAYYYT YOURE FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW OMG IS THAT WHY MY MOTHER HAS BEEN SPAMMING MY PHONE ABOUT "COMING HOME FOR KIMCHI" ? CAUSE SHE KNOWS I DONT EVEN FW KIMCHI LIKE THAT

yeonjun:yea!!!!!!! tell them queen!!!!!!! why did you guys not invite me. fake fucks.

you: WHAT DID SHE EVEN SAY

soobin: something about how she thought you were a lesbian so she doesn't even know what we're talking about

you: well shes not half wrong

taehyun: anywho she did NOT give ANY blessings to anyone however she did say that you were getting older and needed to get more serious about future planning cause all you put your effort into is work

soobin: that was basically her speaking in maternal code for "hey you can marry my daughter once contracts are terminated" trust me id know

kai: maternal code?

soobin: yep im an expert

beomgyu: what the fuck does that even mean

soobin:

taehyun: sometimes i wonder about the state of your mental wellbeing soobin: you just need to match my 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 you wouldn't get it. yeonjun: taehyun gets our freak soobin 💯 he's the one who suggested recording the killa with our shirts off.. fucking freak

you: i suggested that actually :3 but tyun suggested the lights off for tinnitus

yeonjun: Y/N MY PRETTY PRINCESS QUEEN DARLING DEAR I DIDNT MEAN IT I SWEAR THAT WAS THE BESSSSSST SUGGESTION EVER THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT IM SORRY

beomgyu: you make me sick beomgyu left tubatu world domination kai: never a moment of peace in this household…

A/N: this has been marinating in my drafts and i HATE it but i need to get rid of it 🤔🤔🙏🏼💯🔥 pls accept this scrap cause i may be a little burnt out 😭😭🤣🤣😜👊

[nomerrynolife]

I just need to rant...

This episode my heart bleed for Night and from a mere dislike, I am now fully enraged with Day's and Night's mom.

looking down on other's because they're poor? Ma'am, your own son remembers that you used to begged for food after your husband ran off, get off your high horse.

if anything she should empathize with Mhok's situation, not feeling like a queen vetting and reviewing Mhok like some kind of a liability to the state. I can understand a mother wanting the best, but you obviously too busy to be home to realized that Day had started smiling and living like a normal person again.

if it wasn't for Mhok, ma'am your son probably has gone mental talking like a guppy coz the only friend he has is the fishes in the tank.

if she care a bit about Day at all, she should know how miserable Day is being locked up in a room for an entire year. Not learning how to bring Day back to society nor learning how to handle a blind person and treating him like everybody else, like a son he always has been. This reminds me of that scene in Moonlight Chicken, when Heart's mom had to rely on LiMing to translate coz she didn't even bother to learn sign language.

what rages me the most is that the mom also implied that Night is responsible for Day's condition. Ma'am please, your job is to make sure BOTH your son is taken care of, not drive a wedge between them! At the very least not make Night feel even guiltier, and that's also so that Night doesn't feel guilty and burdened to help Day. It's obvious that Night did try his best to help (letting Day go to Songkhla, slipping the new phone with his meal, changing the soggy noodle soup with Day)

Idk about anyone else, but favoritism among kids is not uncommon in South East Asia household (at the very least my country) so seeing that framed picture of Mom hugging ONLY Day makes my heart breaks further for Night. It shows that mom already favor Day to Night, and when the accident happen and she further blames Night I can only imagine how awful it is to be Night.

Night calling their long lost father to confide and pour his heart out because he has no one in the house to turn to... help me I'm crying.

even your blind son can see that favoritism bullshit you're pulling during the Christmas dinner, MA'AM I CANNOT HELD MY ANGER AND MY TEARS SEING NIGHT BROKE DOWN LIKE THAT.

Anyways, we'll see next episode if she redeem herself. I sure hope so. Night still got that rizz staring down on Porjai knowing her legs has turn jelly (well, at least I know I do) and not hesitating to be a father that stepped up, A MAN. I just know he's gonna be a great father since he's gonna pour all the love he didn't get to that child.

[bluntforcespatter]

Why the new account?/genq

short answer: i had a mental lapse, deleted, saw posts i wanted to reblog & people i missed and remade. (missed everyone!!!)

long answer: i was stalked online and in real life. it unravelled my mental health to the point where i leave my house less than once a month. my groceries are delivered or bought out of town by my caregiver, whom drives 2 hours away to do this. (she's fine with this, she visits her mom on the way.) i have STPD or schizotypal personality disorder - it is a mental health condition that comes with severe paranoia. being stalked worsened this, i already had paranoia that i was being stalked by the people who trafficked me, but then i really was very tangibly provably stalked and it unravelled me. i was diagnosed (newer, 2020) with this (STPD) after being diagnosed (older, 2016) with dissociative identity disorder - this often means i have amnesiac episodes. (amnesia can be as severe as DO NOT REMEMBER AT ALL to DO NOT REMEMBER HOW THAT FELT [EMOTIONAL] OR WHAT I WAS THINKING.) having DID and STPD means all of my alternative states/dissociated states/"multiple personalities", (outdated, don't use that terminology) ALSO have STPD.

i have an introject of Simon Henriksson. (if you know, you know.) he doesn't handle paranoid thoughts well at all. he deleted my accounts (more than ONE sideblog!!) because he was convinced Rani was still stalking us. he kept any blogs that didn't have a mention of the area i live in.

so basically i got blackout paranoid, deleted my own account out of fear, knew i did it because the same time my blog went offline Si was online messaging his friend Josie, and realized i am some sort of genuinely insane freak that nobody likes for good reason. i didn't want to lie and say tumblr nuked me because i hate liars and i never ever tell lies, so i am explaining as best as i can even though it all sounds certifiably insane. i'd rather be an honest crazy weirdo than a lying passably-normal person. sorry this is so long i am trying to be thorough. i am also sorry for deleting my account, i have something wrong with my brain. i was not trying to freak anyone out or cause concerns or tell my mutuals i don't like them or anything like that!!! i apologize if this is worded condescendingly - not intentional, i just never know what other people know and often over explain trying to be understood - i often get tones wrong because of my mental illnesses. i am not trying to be rude, my brain just doesn't work right but i swear i'm not mean or scary or cruel i am just traumatized.

[anastasiapullingteeth]

Calm. Down. Stay.

{Or The Things I Learned While Training My Reactive Dog}

My submission for this year’s @aggressivelyarospec’s Aggressively Arospectacular event! **Disclaimer: this is not a guide on how to train a reactive dog. It’s just me talking about my own experience.** [CW for mentions of COVID, anxiety, disordered eating and general bad mental health.]

It was August 2020, five months into the COVID lockdown, and I was losing my mind.

I’ve always been introverted. More interested in staying in my comfort zone (home) and indulging in my own activities (lazing around), so as bad as this may sound, lockdown wasn’t really the problem. The previous year and a half of commuting for two hours to get to work, plus years of suffering from insomnia, anxiety, and other debilitating problems were. By the time the pandemic happened, I was walking on a tightrope and the recovery was taking longer than I’d anticipated. That was when my mom, with zero thought put into it I may add, decided we needed a dog and got a month-old puppy.

I’m not one of those people who consider their pets as their actual children, but dogs are, in fact, pretty much like kids in at least one thing: not everyone is prepared to have them, and wanting one is not reason enough to get one. And, boy, I wasn’t prepared.

Given the bad state of mind I was in, the shitty job I had (and still have), and the historical event unfolding in real time, it was safe to say I was barely capable of taking care of myself, let alone a pet, but my mom promised the dog was going to be hers and, since I didn’t have the heart to rehome the puppy, we took her in and named her Quimey (“beautiful” in Mapuche).

I had plenty of dogs while growing up, but Quimey is my first dog as an adult and, although she was supposed to be my mom’s, I’m the one responsible for everything concerning her: I feed her, take her to the vet, walk her, clean after her, pay for everything... It’s a full-time job on top of everything else I already have on my plate but, even though my mom wants to help, she can’t really do much because Quimey has way too much energy and her strength and impulsivity can be dangerous if handled wrong, so I ended up taking up the responsibility myself. How hard could it be, right? It’s a dog. Then, of course, it became way harder.

Due to her chronic illness, my mom couldn’t leave the house during that time between the beginning of the pandemic and the first vaccines, so I was in charge of groceries and anything else she needed. Due to a lot of different factors (particularly that she’d been separated from her mother way too soon), Quimey wasn’t properly socialized when we got her, so, in an attempt to fix this, she often came with me to do errands. 

She’s naturally nervous, so getting out of the house involved a lot of shaking, but nothing too bad to be considered a problem. The walks went okay and, after some time, she even stopped shaking, but then, one day as we waited our turn outside a store, she jumped on a random woman seemingly out of nowhere, scaring her. She didn’t actually bite her or even try to hurt her, but, from that moment on, I was a little wary of taking her with me in case she did it again so I tried to keep her at a safe distance from other people. It seemed to work and I thought we were back at a safe place, but I was wrong.

A couple of months later, Quimey was attacked by a neighbor's dog that’d been left outside without supervision. I managed to pick her up before the dog could do any damage, but, since we couldn’t really avoid him, he tried to attack her on several other occasions for at least a month or so, until the owners saw it and finally kept him inside. Sadly, that was enough to scare Quimey for life and the primary reason her reactivity began. She’s now terribly afraid of strangers and other dogs (particularly small ones) and is literally impossible to take her anywhere without her having what’s basically a panic attack. Trying to revert that as much as possible is what I’ve been aiming for for the past 3 years.

Living in a place that’s not pet friendly and without easy access to trainers and other specialists, having a reactive dog has been a journey, but one that, looking back, has taught me more than I’d expected.

.

Puppies are hard to train, they’re basically just babies, but anyone who’s had a dog before they turn one year old knows that’s nothing compared to the teenage stage. Yes, dogs go through adolescence, just like us, and it’s just as bad as you imagine. If by then you manage to teach them anything, they will forget it. They won’t listen no matter what you do and sometimes will even purposely disobey you. Avoiding shouting becomes a challenge and so far I was failing.

I’m not a person of soft emotions. I’m anxious, impatient, and temperamental, and my anger issues, although not as bad now, are very much something I still struggle with. Over the years, I’ve done my best to manage and redirect those emotions, but having a fearful reactive dog can certainly push you to the edge and test your patience because they’re harder to train and difficult to be with if you lack the knowledge to help them.

In dogs like Quimey, on top of the confusing teenage state, fear takes up their minds when they’re around a trigger and they basically lock themselves in a never-ending fight or flight response; in that scenario, they won’t listen to you not because they’re being disobedient, but because they can’t. Their bodies are fighting for survival and the last thing they need is having you screaming desperately because they’re pulling at the leash or barking, so, in order to get her to calm down, the first thing I had to learn was to be calm myself. What an impossible task! Years and years of trying had proved I couldn’t do it, but I needed to. I had to.

Dogs mirror our emotions; if I wanted to show her there was nothing to fear, I had to believe it first.

.

Dogs, as well as anyone else, are unique and what could work for one won’t do much for others. Each of them has its own process and sometimes it’s ok to just wait for things to pass and manage what you can until it gets better. As a teenager, Quimey was constantly trying to escape, barked at everything that moved, and got up in the middle of the night looking for things to play with or food to steal. It was the worst six months I experienced as a dog owner because all the progress we’d achieved until then was lost. Luckily, my sister, who’s had a similar experience with her own dog, helped me with some advice. Once I understood what was happening, I took a deep breath and established a routine. 

As I said before, Quimey is high energy and needs help managing it in a way that’s safe and productive for her. So we implemented longer walks in a route that felt good for her, added scent games to stimulate her mind, practiced simple commands to control her impulsivity, and ran a few laps at night to burn all that pent-up energy that prevented her from having a full night's sleep. And it's working. Taking the time to assess the situation and try a solution is helping and something that was torturous at the beginning became bearable because I took my time. I was patient. The routine helps Quimey feel safer and more sure of herself because she no longer has to guess what is going to happen next; she is in the process of regaining control and lowering her guard, allowing her to enjoy what is around her instead of trying to run away from everything. And, what’s even more surprising, her routine is also helping me.

I’ve had trouble sleeping since I was a kid thanks to an overactive brain, and switching to full remote work due to the pandemic completely fucked any resemblance of a good sleep schedule I had so far, which wasn’t really impressive, to begin with. Routines had never done anything for me and, sometimes, having to keep a schedule for school or work even worsened my insomnia, which is the exact opposite of what one would expect. Having Quimey with me now, on the other hand, has improved my sleeping habits, not only allowing me to sleep most nights all night but also reducing the nightmares considerably.

Over the years I tried all kinds of tricks to sleep better and other things to lower my anxiety that never worked, but having a routine for Quimey did. What makes this one different? That I have a purpose. Getting better for oneself is what we all should aim for, but sometimes that’s not a good incentive when you don’t consider yourself worth it. Doing things for others can be a good first step towards healing and I already knew it’d worked for me in the past.

A few years ago, what took me out of a very long period of bad mental health was working with kids. Being surrounded by children whose parents neglected them in ways most people would dismiss pushed me to try to be the adult they needed and the one I didn’t have while growing up. I not only had to guide them academically, I also had to be able to be fully there to accompany them in their journey and that’s how I, almost accidentally, broke the streak of abnormal eating patterns and sleepless nights I'd been suffering from since I left college; adopting Quimey had more or less the same effect on me. 

Somewhere along the way I figured she, just like me, struggles to understand the world around her and her fear comes from a place of feeling inadequate to handle it. She needs someone to give her the tools to work around her big emotions and translate the things she still hasn’t fully grasped in terms she’s more familiar with. And, much like with those kids, I had to step in and be the support she needed and the one I didn’t have. And I’m trying to do that every day.

.

Two years later, we still do most of the things we started her routine with, varying between the activities she gets tired of and adding stuff that fits her better as she ages. And we’re doing pretty well now.

I used to wonder what people did with reactive dogs before our generation got so obsessed with them that we started to treat them more like living things and not like objects, but then it occurred to me that, even if you think there’s more of them now because of the way the world has changed, most of the problematic dogs back in the day were abandoned or euthanized without giving them a chance or helping them overcome what had made them that way. Most of them still are even now. That, for better or worse, is part of why I keep trying with Quimey.

There’s something people with reactive dogs say constantly, but that’s worth repeating here: as much as a bad time you’re having trying to train your dog, you can be sure they’re having it way worse. Reactivity can be genetic or a result of past trauma, but whatever the cause is, your dog is struggling to adapt to this world and it’s your job to help them get there.

Quimey’s not perfect and never will be. She gets incredibly anxious if her routine changes, still won’t accept any stranger (human or dog) to get too close to her no matter how friendly, and is afraid of the simplest things like bubbles or the sound of a door closing in the distance. She sometimes has to take natural remedies to help her anxiety when her triggers are just too much to handle and we’re still working on teaching her how to stay alone in the house without a panic attack. But she’s also the most affectionate dog I have ever had.

Learning to accept and love her the way she is and my job as her advocate has strengthened our bond and has helped me accept and work on most of my own struggles as well. Identifying and naming her emotions in order to offer a safe space has created one for me, too, one I never knew how to get before, and that, without realizing, she guided me to.

Working on doing better for her helped me do better for myself as well. 

.

Calm, down, stay… you’re safe now.

.

[hollywoodxwhore]

Ours | Chapter 13

Colson x Presley (Original Female Character)

Synopsis: Presley and Colson fell in love accidentally, but they were meant to be. Now that all the obstacles have been removed, they're moving in together in LA. Now, they have all the time in the world for Colson to teach Presley all of the things he knows. This fic is the sequel to Mine, which can be found in my masterlist!

Warnings/Content: shit's about to get real so PLEASE READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS!!! Almost suicide attempt, panic attacks, suicidal ideation/discussion, Big Fucking Sad (I'm serious y'all, it's sad as fuck), swearing, mentions of guns and pills, hospital trip

PLEASE take care of yourself and skip this if you think it's going to be triggering. Without giving too much away, there are pretty graphic descriptions of thoughts leading up to an almost suicide attempt. I promise if you skip this chapter it won't mess up the plot too much for you. I love y'all.

Colson

Presley isn’t answering me.

I’ve called about a thousand times and sent twice as many texts. Nothing. Her phone is on do not disturb. I get that she needs space, but the state of my mental health is scary right now and I’m not thinking perfectly logically. In the forefront of my mind is a voice telling me that she’s done with me, that this is just too much to handle and that she’s going to leave. That she’s already left.

As it nears the evening and she still hasn’t reached out, my panic reaches new heights. I call her once more, praying that she’ll answer, but it goes straight to voicemail. I try to control my shaky breathing as I prepare to leave a message. I haven’t left any voicemails but maybe if she hears my voice, she’ll realize how sorry I am.

“Pres,” I say, and instantly, my throat is thick with emotion as more tears spill from my eyes. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight and I had no right to talk to you that way. Please come home, baby. Please. I need you.” I pause for a second, then hang up just in time for a sob to rip itself from my chest. I let the phone clatter onto the island as I drop my head into my hands. 

I pick up the phone and call Ashleigh. It rings several times, then goes to voicemail. Slim, too. When it happens with Rook, a cold fear causes sweat to prickle on my skin. They’re all ignoring me. I’ve fucked up too badly this time. I jump to my feet and pace. My hands are damp with sweat and shaking like crazy. My breath is shallow and my stomach is in knots. 

“Fuck,” I whimper, tearing my hands through my hair. What am I going to do? Everyone thinks I’m an abuser. Everyone I love is going to turn on me. I’m going to lose Presley, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The abuse allegations are going to ruin my career.

What do I have left?

Absolutely fucking nothing.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for…pretty much my entire life. I can remember feeling overwhelmingly sad, even as a young kid, even before my mom left and my dad went off the deep end. It got worse when my mom left, of course. My abandonment issues started there, at the ripe age of nine. And then my dad completely changed. The abuse started and the loving father I knew was just…gone. 

I have great friends. I have an insanely perfect wife. My mom is back in my life. But do they want to be in my life? Do they want to be friends or family with someone whose mental state is so precarious? A tortured artist with mood swings and allegations up to his fucking eyeballs. If I were no longer in their lives…would they care? And if they did care, wouldn’t they be able to get over it?

Would it really matter if I was gone? 

I own guns. Several. A shotgun just because I thought it was cool, a couple of handguns. They’re all locked in a safe and haven’t been removed for years now other than to be cleaned. My hands twitch at my sides. Then, I shake my head. Presley would be the one to find me, and even if she’s done with me, I can’t do that to her.

But what if I take some pills and just…fall asleep? Never wake up? That won’t leave a mess. 

What if I send a text to someone else so they find me first? I can leave the door unlocked and they’ll find me. Presley won’t have to. 

Suddenly, I’m numb. The tears dry up and my hands stop trembling, and a wave of calm washes over me. I always knew I’d die young, I just didn’t know when. Everything is screaming at me that it’s now. This is when I leave. 

I grab a fifth of Jack Daniels from the fridge, then go to our medicine cabinet and gather what I need. But then, a sound makes me freeze. A knock on the door. I blink and try to focus, wondering if it’s all in my head. But then another knock sounds. I swallow hard and put my supplies back. I wipe sweaty hands on my legs and then wipe my face. I know I look like hell, and I have no idea who’s at the door. Hell, it could be cops coming to arrest me for domestic abuse charges. Longingly, I look at the cabinet, but another knock shakes me out of it and I hurry to the door.

I look through the peephole and my heart jumps into my throat when I see that it’s Cash. It may not be Presley, but it is her twin, and it is the person whose house she slept at last night. I open the door quickly and Cash immediately analyzes me. We don’t even say anything to each other as he studies me. “Hey,” he says quietly, eyes narrowing slightly. “You’re…not okay, are you?”

It’s less of a question and more of a statement. Still, I hang my head and then shake it, throat tightening once again with the threat of tears. Cash sighs and steps into the house, shutting the door behind him. He kicks off his shoes and steps forward, and then he’s hugging me. 

Cash and I are close. He’s my brother in law, and despite what happened in the past, I’m happy to give him the title of my brother. But we’re not hug-while-we’re-crying-and-falling-apart close. Still, I sink into the embrace. A deluge of tears flows onto my cheeks and all of a sudden, I’m not just crying, I’m having a full-blown panic attack.

I can vaguely hear Cash saying my name but my ears are ringing too loud for me to be sure. My whole body has gone numb and tingly; I can’t feel any of my limbs which only makes me panic more. My knees give out and I fall to the floor, but Cash stays wrapped around me. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but they’re words of comfort. I’ve never lost it quite this badly in front of someone before, and I find myself glad that it isn’t Presley, or even Slim or Ash. Cash has known me the least amount of time and for some reason, it’s easier to break down in front of him.

“...Colson. Colson!” I’m so stunned by the fact that he’s calling me Colson and not Kells that I snap out of my attack, just a little. The ringing in my ears intensifies and then eases up, which makes me feel like I can breathe again. Slowly, the numbness fades but the tingles stay, and all of a sudden, I’m shaking like a leaf. But at least I’m breathing again and I can focus on Cash.

“Deep breaths, brother. C’mon,” he soothes, and I understand why he and Presley are so close. He’s great at this whole comfort thing. I do as I'm told, even though my breaths are shaky and ragged at first. But Cash continues to sit with me, his arms wrapped around me, my body leaning on his, and we breathe together. 

I have no idea how long we’re sitting on the floor before Cash takes a final deep breath and lets out a little chuckle. “Jesus. You scared me for a second,” he mutters, and the calmness in his voice makes me realize how trivial this all feels. Megan told a straight up lie. I didn’t even do anything wrong. The only thing I did wrong was to take it out on Presley. And all because she left I was going to, what, kill myself? Jesus Christ. 

When I realize that I would’ve gone through with that stupid decision if Cash hadn’t shown up, I start to tremble all over again. I let out a pathetic whimper. Even though it would’ve been self-inflicted, the near-death experience brings a rush of adrenaline into my body. But Cash brings me back with his soothing but firm voice.

“Hey,” he says. “What is going on? You need to talk to me, Kells.”

“I-I w-w-was g-going to–” My voice is trembling too hard for me to make out the words. Cash shushes me and rocks me a little, and the gesture is surprisingly soothing. It takes me back to childhood or something. 

“Breathe,” he murmurs. “You were going to what?”

“K-kill myself,” I finally manage, my voice totally miserable. 

I feel Cash go tense but slowly, it eases, as if he’s purposefully making himself relax. “How?” he asks.

“Pills,” I sob. “Jack.”

“Did you take anything?” he asks, voice a little higher with panic, but I quickly shake my head.

“I had the fuckin’ bottles i-in hand,” I hiccup, “when you knocked on the door. Jesus Christ, Cash. If you hadn’t shown up…”

“God dammit, Colson,” Cash says thickly. “You’re my fucking brother. God dammit.” He squeezes me tighter and takes a steadying breath. “We need to go somewhere. We need to take you to the ER.”

“B-but I didn’t–”

“Only because I showed up,” Cash interrupts. “If I hadn’t shown up, you’d be…you’d be….” His voice tapers off and he shakes his head. “That’s too close for comfort, man. Please. Just…for me?”

It’s really the least I can do, knowing that Cash is the sole reason I’m alive. Besides, he’s right. That was way too close for comfort. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts like that in forever. It’s scary just how close I was to following through. Hesitantly, I nod, and the breath leaves Cash’s lungs in a relieved whoosh.

“Okay. Come on, brother,” he murmurs, pulling me up. “Let’s go.”

I hate the idea of being "famous." I hate when people use their fame to get special treatment. As much as I love the luxury of private jets and expensive restaurants and being able to travel anywhere in the world, I try my best not to take advantage of my name. 

But I’m not complaining about the privacy I receive at the emergency room.

We’re able to check in over the phone and wait in our car. I walk through a door in a secluded part of the hospital so no one sees me, aside from the staff. I’m whisked right into a room and treated immediately. It makes me sad knowing that there are other people waiting, but at the same time, I was at risk for dying tonight.

A woman in a white coat slips into my room and smiles warmly at me. “Mr. Baker?” she asks, and I nod. “I’m Dr. Schultz. Thank you for your patience.”

I barely had to wait. Still, I nod and smile politely.

Dr. Schultz studies me for a second. “Honey, I want you to know that you’re safe here,” she says. Her voice is warm and calm and instantly, I feel soothed. “We’re going to take care of you. Okay? I just need you to be honest with me.”

“Got it,” I croak. 

Dr. Schultz pats my hand and smiles softly. “Okay. Tell me what happened.”

From there, I walk Dr. Schultz through the bullshit that has been my life recently. She listens intently, never once rushing me through the evaluation. After I explain what happened, we go through my medical history, medications I’m on, whether or not I’m drinking and taking drugs, and what diagnoses I have. I’m exhausted by the time we’ve talked everything out.

Dr. Schultz closes her notebook and clicks her pen closed. “Colson, I would like you to stay overnight,” she says. “Since you and your partner are in an argument and you’re not sure if she’ll be home tonight, it would give me some peace of mind if you would stay here overnight. I know you’ve been having trouble sleeping and we can give you something that will help.”

I nod, feeling relieved that I don’t have to go home to an empty house. Even though I scared the shit out of myself and feel like I’ll never even come close to suicidal thoughts again, I agree with the doctor. Staying overnight would give me peace of mind, too.

I’m set up in a room shortly after, and I text Cash letting him know what’s going on. He assures me that he’ll be here in the morning to pick me up, and he asks if I need anything from home. I don’t want to burden him more, so I tell him I don’t need anything. Then, I silence my phone and set it aside. 

My sleeping medication is administered soon after I settle in. All I want is to talk to Presley, but she needs time, and that’s okay. For now, I just want to sleep, and thanks to the medication and the doctor, I do.

Taglist: @triplexdoublex@jaxbreaker@mgklove99xx@jinx-on-mars-19xx@iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker@anonymousme86@whiteleoqueen@feroniakutenpuu@hxllywoodwhxree

[tinyinvadr]

Next chapter’s up!

Psychoborrower 2

Chapter 17

Right as we left Gristol’s mind, Hollis, Sasha, Milla, and Coach arrived.

“Were you just in the Grand Head of the Psychonauts?!”

To my surprise, Norma stepped forward. Though, maybe it was just to cover her own ass. Hard to say.

“Agent Nein, it’s not what it looks like!”

Milla sighed. “Kids, we just saw you come out.”

“But we weren’t in my Dad’s mind! That’s the mole!”

“No, the mole is Nick Johnsmith! Sasha figured it out, but I always had my suspicions.”

Coach smirked proudly, as if he wasn’t one of “Nick”’s biggest defenders.

They started to move in towards Gristol’s body, but we blocked their path.

“No, his brain’s not in there! It’s in my Dad’s head! Ugh, we don’t have time for this, we’ve gotta find his real brain!”

Lili grabbed Raz by the hand and pulled us both out the door, pushing past the agents.

He tried to keep up with her, but when Lili’s got her mind set on something, it can be tough to rein her in. She had already run far ahead of us by the time the storm started.

A watery cyclone was fast approaching from the Heptadome. Gristol went and did it. He awakened Maligula. Idiot.

“Okay, there’s a big swirling vortex of death behind us and all of the adults are back at the Heptadome, what do we do?!”

“We should get back to the campsite. Maybe my Dad can help.”

That was our best option, but I couldn’t help but be concerned for his mental state. I wasn’t sure how long it would take for his memories to come back, but even if they hadn’t recovered, seeing Maligula again was sure to bring back trauma for him.

When we arrived at the campsite, the Aquatos were all gathered in front of one of the tents. Augustus sat in the center, his head in his hands. It looked like he’d been crying.

Donatella was the first to notice us. She flashed the slightest smile when she greeted us, though there was still a somber look in her eyes.

“Hello, boys. He’s… been remembering some things.”

Raz’s older brother let out a frustrated sigh. “I knew we shouldn’t have come here.”

“Dion, please. Not now.”

He immediately shut up after his mother scolded him, then turned his attention back to Augustus. Raz sat down beside him, wrapping him in a hug.

“Oh, Razputin… I lost them. I lost… everyone.”

It seemed all of his memories came back at once. It was like he was forced to relive that terrible day when he lost his parents and was taken away to the orphanage all over again. And… he remembered my family.

I knew that restoring his memories would ultimately be a good thing, but I hadn’t considered that bringing them back would also bring back the pain. All those years, he never worried about what happened to them because he couldn’t remember them.

Everyone went quiet for a moment, all of us huddling together to comfort him. I was unsure if him seeing Mom again right away was the right move, but then again, there would never really be a “right” time for that sort of thing.

I was about to try and make a telepathic connection with her to ask her to come over, but I didn’t need to. I heard her and Dad approaching.

“Reed, what if he still doesn’t remember? I don’t know if I can handle doing this again…”

“You can, honey. I know you can. You’re the strongest person I know. Now, go.”

After a second, Raz’s younger sister, Mirtala, scooted aside, letting Mom through. The entire family looked down at her, waiting for her to speak. I can only imagine how intimidating it must have looked from her perspective, but she didn’t look shaken by it at all.

“Gus?”

He lifted his head, staring at her for a second until it clicked.

“Sibi!”

As if they’d never been separated, Augustus scooped her up and held her close.

“Oh, Sibi, I thought for sure… You were back in the caravan, and by the time I came back, you were… And I didn’t…”

“It’s okay, Gus. I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

I stared in disbelief for a second. “Wait, Mom, does that mean we’re staying?”

She smiled. “Of course, Flint. I had my doubts about the Psychonauts, but you and Raz brought my best friend back. I’m confident that they’ll have at least two great agents going forward.”

Raz chuckled, that ego of his seeping through. “Oh, they will.”

Unfortunately, by that point we could no longer ignore the approaching cyclone. We needed to somehow get close enough to Lucrecia to get back into her mind without getting washed away.

“We need to get back in there. Any ideas?”

At that, Dion grabbed Raz by the shoulders and started shaking him. With me still being on his shoulder, I have to say I did not appreciate it.

“What, are you crazy?! That thing’s gonna kill you! Are you forgetting about the curse that’s plagued us our entire lives?!”

“It’s not real, Dion. Ford made it up so Nona wouldn’t remember being Maligula. In fact, I’m pretty sure I inherited her Hydrokinesis. Not sure how to control it yet, but maybe if I figure that out, I’ll be able to stop her!”

I looked around and noticed that Frazie was no longer standing beside the rest of her family. She had to have snuck away when the conversation shifted to the curse. She may not have been ready to tell them the truth, but we needed her help.

“Hey, uh, Raz? Can you put me down? Gotta pee.”

“Really? Now?”

“Yes now! It’s been one thing after another today and I’ve been holding it for hours!”

“Ew! Ugh, fine, just go, but make it quick.”

He put me down, giving me my chance to go after Frazie. Thankfully, she didn’t go far. I found her sitting on her own, staring endlessly at the approaching cyclone as if entranced by it.

“Frazie, come on, we need you to help us with Maligula!”

She sighed, shaking her head. “Flint, I told you, I can’t. I’ll only make things worse.”

“You don’t know that for sure. And Raz thinks he might have Hydrokinesis powers too, but he doesn’t know how to control them. If the two of you work together, it might be enough to beat her!”

“It doesn’t matter. Either way, my parents go right back to being afraid of psychics, Dad casts Nona out of the family and gives up on using his powers for good, and Raz and I are back at square one. We’re all better off just running away. At least then none of us will get killed. And I won’t get written off as a monster.”

I tried to think of a way to convince her, but I wasn’t sure how. I got the sense she wouldn’t be willing to listen to my insistence that everything would turn out fine, and I wasn’t 100% sure myself of what the future held for us.

“I don’t know if it means anything, but I don’t think you’re a monster. Besides, it wasn’t her powers that made her become Maligula. Your Nona was manipulated and pushed to her breaking point. She was alone and vulnerable, and Gzar Theodore took advantage of that. But we can still help her. Things won’t go back to the way they were before, but maybe that’s a good thing. We’ll all get a second chance to start over. To be better.”

She smiled, holding her hand out for me to climb on.

“I’d like that.”

We returned to the group, and Donatello immediately pulled Frazie aside.

“Ah, there you are! There isn’t much time, we need you for the Devil’s Firehose!”

“What? Now?”

“Of course! How else are we supposed to get your brother to Nona?”

I leapt from Frazie’s hand onto Raz’s shoulder, and for a solid minute, he looked back and forth between the two of us.

“Why were you with my sister?”

“Not the main issue right now, let’s go!”

We headed to the edge of the cliff, and from there, Donatella took charge. I was surprised to see the youngest child, Queepie, was the strongman of the group. He easily held up the entire family as they stacked on top of each other.

Raz secured me in his pocket and began his climb up the tower of acrobats. On the way up, Augustus briefly smiled at me.

“Thank you for bringing her back, Flint.”

I gave him a quick nod, and Raz continued to climb, meeting Mirtala at the top.

“You ready?”

Raz and I exchanged a glance. The entire time we’d known each other, we knew we could never truly be ready. Neither of us expected to get to where we were back when he first showed up at camp. And yet, despite all of that, despite how unready we were, I knew we could handle it. We’d come so far, and there wasn’t a thing in the world that could stop us.

“As we’ll ever be.”

With that, Mirtala launched us straight into the storm, and with a swift throw of the psycho-portal, we went headfirst into Lucrecia’s mind.

Right away, I could see that her mental world looked very different in comparison to when we were in it before. The whole place was flooded, and there wasn’t a trace of the quilted forest or flea circus. Instead, we stood in a memory of Grulovia, destroyed in the flood. And in the center of it all was a statue of Maligula.

Raz panicked upon seeing it and PSI-Blasted it, releasing some stray thoughts. He used Mental Connection to pull us along the trail, and we witnessed the memory of his grandparents’ death.

“I really wish I could’ve met them…”

“I saw them in my Mom’s mind. I mean, I know it’s just a memory and it’s not really them, but, maybe she’ll let you see them too.”

He smiled. “I’d appreciate that. But first we need to save the family that’s still here.”

We returned to the main plaza, where Maligula’s massive glowing eyes glared down at us from behind the watery curtain. Taking a deep breath, Raz approached her.

“Um… Hi. I’m Razputin, your great nephew. Ah, I’m not saying I’m ‘great’ or anything, just… My grandma was your sister, and she wouldn’t want you to be evil anymore. I don’t either… because you’re still family.”

She went into a fit of maniacal laughter in response.

“Family? You’re just another unruly peasant that needs to be WASHED AWAY!!!”

This was it. The fight was on. I shifted to human form and stood beside Raz, taking on a defensive stance. I wasn’t sure how, but we had to beat her somehow. Everyone was counting on us. Our families, our friends, the world itself was at stake.

But whatever it took, we were gonna make sure the reign of Maligula would end once and for all.

[brandwhorestarscream]

Which Megatron do you think would be the best mom? I'm leaning towards Earthspark. I'm sad to admit that I don't think my fav, tfp, would make a good mom. I feel like he'd either be very overbearing or extremely distant.

Hmmmm that's a good question. Earthspark Megatron definitely has the most in-youe-face canon evidence saying he'd be a good parent. He's already a (grand)parental figure to the terrans, and he's doing pretty good with him. He'd definitely be a doting carrier to his own newborn sparkling

However! Don't be too quick to write of Aligned Megatron. I genuinely think anyone can be a good parent if they're willing to work hard at it and recognize that their children are individual people with people needs. And Megatron, for all his flaws, doesn't do anything half-assed. He'd definitely be a very busy parent, seeing as he's got an entire army to command, but I don't think he'd be constantly distant and pushing them away. I mean, he made the choice to carry them to term and bring them into the world (assuming it wasn't a stealth pregnancy or smthn, which could be a very interesting topic to explore 🤔). He'd do his best for them, and while I do think he'd initially struggle to balance his time spent with them and his time spent lording over the decepticons, I think he'd find a rhythm that worked for them. He's too stubborn not to

In public he'd likely be a very cold parent, but behind closed doors he's able to more freely express the love he feels for them. TFP does a great job of making him seem just. Irredeemably evil all the time, someone that doesn't experience positive emotions, but that's simply not the case. He's every bit as capable of love and happiness as every other cybertronian. Just because we aren't shown that doesn't make it any less true. Think about it, every time Megatron is on screen, it's when he's in full warlord mode. Everyone else gets individual depth, scenes wherein they're more than just a soldier or medic. Like Knockout enjoying his racing hobbies, Starscream being an adept scientist, Bulkhead working with construction. Not Megatron. We only ever see him fighting and giving orders and having to be perfectly present in the war effort, but realistically that's not how he spends every waking hour of every single day. I do think, when he's alone with his sparkling, he could be tender with them, give them the affection and love and guidance they need to grow up healthy.

Would he be a perfect parent? No. Such a thing doesn't exist. But I don't think he'd be terrible or abusive, either.

EDIT BECAUSE I REALIZED I DIDNT ANSWER THE ACTUAL QUESTION 💀

I'm actually kinda leaning toward animated Megatron. While yes, earthspark Megatron is very nice, he's also still got a lot of issues he's working through, and I don't think him working with GHOST--of his own free will or not--would be very healthy for his child. I don't think, given he's constantly rounding up the "bad decepticons" he'd be an optimal role model. With the terrans, he's not their primary caregiver. People can make great babysitters but not great parents, yk? He's in an unstable place rn, constantly butting heads with Optimus, unhappy with his current position in life, and I don't think he's in a proper mental state to consistently be caring for a needy baby. Maybe after GHOST is dealt with and the imprisonment of decepticons stops, but not right now.

TFA Megatron, on the other hand, has his shit together. Though they live in exile he's still got a good handle on the decepticons, and they're surviving well. He's all not quite as prideful and stubborn as previous Megatron's--my favorite way that's demonstrated is with the Supremes at the end of season 3. When it's pointed out to him that he isn't actually the ideal candidate, that there could be disastrous infighting and they might not obey him, he doesn't get angry. That's a fair, accurate critique of his character, and he gracefully takes it in stride. He then pivots to someone else who's a better fit, prioritizing their success over his own hubris. Most other Megatron's would get mad and blow up and let it cloud their judgement, but not him. He's also demonstrated to be an incredibly patient person, able to play the long game and focus on the outcome even if the means aren't as quick as he'd like them to be. He knows when to draw back, he makes good choices, and he's generally a pretty calm person, all things considered. I actually think, if Sumdaac's bitch ass hadn't stolen his embryo and they had been allowed to develop and be born properly, he would be a pretty great mother

[spacefacedtragedy]

After reading the reforms on abolitionanddisabilityjustice.com I'd like to share a story!

Please please heed these trigger warnings because this rant will not be very filtered.

>!severe depression!<

>!Homelessness!<

>!Mental illness!<

>!unsupportive family!<

>!heavy SH!<

>!drug use!<

When I turned 19 I had just transitioned out of longer term residential care due to a break down I will talk about at a different time. Alot of my life at this point was filled with regrets, my family completely unsupportive to my transition left me solely reliant on myself in the southern California housing market. I had managed to get into a halfway house that was suppose to help me keep my head up while I worked on something more permanent, but being the young trans guy in a really shitty cramped area had severe affects.

Those that respected my choices were known, and those that didn't made it clear I needed to go. By the second month, I was already back to my harming ways. Nothing deep at this point, but still enough that I couldn't handle it. My mom kept telling me about how great life is without me, and my older sister relished in my horrible state. Both her words and my sisters smile swim in my head today.

A couple days before my birthday I had a routine inspection/drug test to be able to live where I did. Although I was a trustworthy person and hadn't even tried weed at this point, they still watched me go. I had cuts on my upper thighs, light but often enough that the faucility immediately terminated my lease and took my rent money away. I was told to evict off the property by the end of the day, and spend the beginning of it calling everywhere looking for a place. My treatment center I had just graduated from refused reentry without hospitalization, and I didn't want to go back into one of those again.

I took off and eventually holed up in a hostel around the area so I wasn't suffering, but was back to a single suitcase with everything I owned. My cutting from then got immediately worse, to the point of needing stitches but I was being left to suffer, even going to therapy weekly, being on meds, I still was homeless, working two jobs to just keep a shelter roof over my head, and fell down a path of peddling. I had to crawl my way out of that hole with the aid of my boyfriend. I was dead inside and out, and without family willing to help..

This could have been avoided if the treatment center would of taken me back, like they're commitment was suppose to be. It would of been better if more homeless mental health clinics existed or we had better support for crisis situations.

This wouldn't of been so horrible if the halfway house didn't kick me out, and had chosen to help like marketed. You don't respond to a problem by making more. People with chronic mental health, even self sabotaging ones, can repair themselves and find a reason to live. They may be the intern, the barista, the car valet, but they're out there. When society resigns someone to the pits it destroys spirits and corrupts lives. Do not let it keep happening.

Some blogs to check:

Thinkingautismguide.com/2016/07/blackdisabledlivesmatter-vs.html

bgdblog.org/2013/07/2013729disease-is-not-a-metaphor/

[hearts4farryn]

July 19, 2023

TW! ed, sa, addiction, basically dead dove don’t eat

After years of an ed, I finally find myself on Tumblr; the HOLY GRAIL of disordered people. You’d think after 3 years of therapy, several hospital trips, and multiple attempts i’d learn my lesson. At this point I think I just like wallowing in my mental illnesses. Once quarantine started, I just went spiraling down a path in the wrong direction. But this year has been the most wild point of my life. It’s funny, a couple weeks ago my step-dad asked me if I had hit rock bottom. His question didn’t sprout from just a few of my life’s mishaps though. My biological dad who lives across the United States sent my and in-depth suicide note through his Gmail; causing me to stress over him for weeks. A few months earlier I had been raped by a man in his 20’s, but he got shot 2 weeks after. Karma’s a bitch when it needs to be. And finally, the cherry on top, my parents and relatives found out my therapist was grooming me. I knew that his sexual advances towards me weren’t necessarily normal, but he has told me countless times I was “one of a kind” and he “thought about me often.” The worst part of him grooming me was people finding out. I could handle that my middle aged therapist (who was actually very cute!) found me attractive and had other plans than me just being a client to him. I didn’t mind it. Being victimized and the stress of taking legal action was a completely different topic. Thank God, my parents decided to stray away from the police. I’ve already had enough encounters with them anyway. Back to my step-dad saying I hit rock bottom, I already knew I hadn’t. Not even a week after he asked, I overdosed on my bedroom floor with Euphoria playing in the background. No fucking joke. This was also not on purpose (surprisingly) and I had been using for a long time before this. My blue leds were on too. My mom found me in my bed; grey-faced, convulsing, while my friend held back tears as she watched death almost swallow me whole. My mom dragged me to the floor, called 911, and started CPR. Mind you I was in a thong and bra during all of this. EMTS eventually arrived at my house and I woke up to lights flashing in my eyes and realizing everyone there has seen me half naked. I cried in the ambulance and apologized to the officer beside me countless times. To be honest, he was probably getting pissed and how much i was whining and the amount of “I’m so sorrys” i was throwing out there. If anyone out there has experienced addiction and thought, “oh! there’s no way that’ll happen to me! i know what i’m doing.” There is always a way. ALWAYS. Especially with hard shit. I’ve been sober since then and hope to continue, but i still haven’t processed it fully. Instead of realizing it was a very serious situation, I just giggle at the thought of it and move on. Anyways, all this crazy shit has sprouted into my life after my first heartbreak. I had been cheated on after I poured everything into a relationship. At the same time, what did I expect out of a teenage boy? I won’t go too in depth about that, it’s always the same story for everyone. Now Im about 2000 miles from home, with my childhood best friends. It’s a nice and quiet break from everything. I just kind of relive the same day and don’t have to worry about being around my triggers. These 3 weeks have been the easiest weeks to get clean. I just hope i stay clean, i honestly never know. Without a therapist, I’m just going to have to figure shit out on my own and hope I’m doing life right. This year I’ll be going into my sophomore year of high school, and I kind of can’t wait for summer to be over. But first I need to be skinny!! I want to be sickly. That’s just kind of what I’m relying on to cope right now. If anyone needs to rant in my dms they are always welcome, I am here for this community! I get it. This is my first update here, I’m not sure if anyone will read it but hi if u do! Thank you for listening!

xoxo

farryn

[flowerandblood]

Hello! I am dropping by because I wish to do my part as a reader who enjoys your writing and give a proper review on one of your works that I've recently read that I completely adore titled : Rage | Revenge | Relief. This might be a big long and for that I apologize (if you prefer I do this by reblog of the post instead than by all means I am alright making that change to ensure your inbox doesn't get eaten up by this). I will be doing this on two maybe three different parts just so it isn't too overly long, but I just wanted to do my part as a reader and give you my honest thoughts and opinions on your amazing story!

Chapter 1 : first paragraph, straight to the point and I love that. It gives us a quick dive into the lore of the situation. It doesn't waste time and straight puts the reader into the home life and mental state in which Aemond finds himself in which I like to point out is very fitting because it reflects how sudden this all must have felt for Aemond as well since his whole world basically changed in a flash without warning, so the straight to the point explanation in a way puts the readers in his shoes were they can see where Aemond is coming from when it comes to the choices he makes through out the story.

" On the one hand it turned him on, on the other it embarrassed him, he wondered how a grown woman could be so desperate."

This line stood out to me because I sorta view it as him not really thinking this on Alys alone but in a way also asking this of his own mother. He states clearly that he doesn't wish to deny his mother her happiness but her way of going about it doesn't sit right with him. Which could be viewed as desperate since she ended up going against everything she has taught him when raising him and in a sense he has a difficulty understanding or sympathizing with his mother.

I actually like to think that in a sense his relationship with Alys is to reflect his own with his mother (minus the sex part) because Alys is the only source in which he vents his frustrations on the matter. Alys, in a sense, is a personafied representation of Aemond's views on the family situation at hand. Even more so because he actually holds no feelings for Alys and even he states that he has lost all emotions after the affair was revealed, so he actually holds no feelings for the family situation either. So in a sense I believe that both this relationship and his tense relationship with his mother and her lover go hand in hand. And I know he later on goes to saying that he dated Alys to piss his mom off in a way but it can also just be viewed as way of him actually still surrounding himself in the situation by being with a woman that reminds him of the desperation he feels his own mother had. Making it like an endless cycle.

(This could very well be just bs I'm spewing and I probably didn't get my point across but in my mind I've connected the dots)

We then get a glimpse of the mc's mom (imma use mc cause idk what else to call her) and I hate her. I say great job on this interaction between mother and daughter because even if we never actually see more of the mother, the reader already knows enough to know about the mc's current life situation with her own parents and also understand just how the affair affected her personally as well. The interaction between mother and daughter was *chef's kiss* because it also allows us to see the type of person the mc is with how she handles the situation. Because while aemond is stuck feeling betrayed by his mother's choices, the mc is stuck in a hard place where her loyalties and responsibilities put her in a tough spot. She wants to support her mom but can't because she has her school life, her future, to think about which makes her having to deal with her father but that only makes it seem as if she is picking sides making the situation even more frustrating because it is obvious her mother isn't even in the right state of mind to handle this decision her daughter took.

The fact that aemond also overheard this conversation was a nice bonus because he found an unlikely ally in the midst of this whole mess. Which is nice because a majority of it all seems like he just feels like it is only HIM dealing with the weight of the situation but when he sees he isn't alone he almost can't help himself but reach out desperately (hahaha very fitting). But he passes it off as a "what if we just fuck with them" type of deal because he is in a place where he isn't ready to be vulnerable or else that would mean he isn't too different from his mother and what he views at the moment as weakness for backing out of what she raised teaching him in regards to their faith.

The smut scene was so tender, not going to lie. I love how you go about it, it feels so real, so raw. It gives warmth, it gives genuineness to the whole ordeal. It feels like genuine young adults being impulsive and screwing around to get back at their parents only to realize they have themselves to rely on and that it doesn't have to be them alone vs the world but can instead back one another up.

Overall, first chapter was very touching. Very captivity and you have such a fuzzy and nostalgic feeling to your writing that just radiates comfort despite how angsty or even smutty it might be.

I'll leave it here for now, I fear this is long enough already but I will be back to review the other chapters to this amazing story. Please don't stop writing, you have such an amazing gift and I can not wait to read more of your writing 💖 have an amazing day/ night and take care :)

omg what a great analysis, I must admit I'm kind of moved!!!

you can do it here or in reblogs, of course I will answer either way, so do it to make you feel comfortable!!

as for the introduction, I hate prolongations, I don't like to be bored when I read, I want to be immediately in the center of events, but not in the sense that I want to go straight to intimate scenes, but to immediately know what the situation is, what is happening, why

I think one of the hardest things as a writer is to say to yourself "don't write about things that don't matter to the story"

as for Alys, I think you connected the dots very well! He takes it out on Alys the way he would like to do it on his mother - and I don't mean that he would want to have sex with her, but, as you remember, Aemond compares sex with Alys to something aggressive and animalistic, and that's exactly the emotion his mother evokes in him.

He feels ashamed because he wants to hit her, just like a child kicks his parents' legs in a store when they don't want to buy him his favorite sweets. He is an adult and cannot take it out on her in this way, he loves her and does not want to hurt her, but on the other hand he has so much resentment towards her that he cannot cope with it and gets involved in this relationship instead.

Although Aemond doesn't admit it in his mind, the first thing he feels after overhearing her conversation with her mother is sympathy. He comes to her with these beers to comfort her, but he can't do it, he hides behind irony, he tries to disturb her because he doesn't want to feel any positive emotions towards her, remembering that she is Criston's daughter.

What is happening between them in his room is his and her expression of childish helplessness, just as children smear the walls with crayons, can break a vase, do anything to express their dissatisfaction.

They decide to cooperate in this area and discover that they somehow bounded with each other with tenderness and understanding, which makes the whole experience not only satisfying but also pleasant for them. There is no one who loses more or less and that is why in the end it seems so innocent to them.

[shiroo-392]

I’m sharing my body with another person, like a household you share with a roommate. It’s not like a completely different person; it’s more like another me—a weird, robotic, and monotone side of me. I think, act, talk, and move differently. I noticed a strange change inside me a while ago. This side of me only makes my life harder to bear. As someone who already has mental issues, I simply do not understand.

My body feels like a cage sometimes, making my chest ache. I want to scream and be free, but in the next moment, everything changes. My body feels hollow and incomplete, as if part of me has disappeared—that part is myself. I disappear into my own body, my own world. My thoughts wander around in my head, which feels empty but still crowded with so many things. It doesn’t make sense. I start to question myself. Questions that my brain doesn’t understand. However, there is no reason for my sudden personality change.

I don’t feel real. Everything is unreal. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. If I believed this was all just an illusion, I would have ended my life when I was 10. Since this doesn’t matter, right? So how am I still here? Because I’m human. I have a heart and feelings. I couldn’t bear seeing my mom cry because of me. I am stupid—a half-hearted person who can’t handle living or dying. There is no other way but to believe this is real and continue living for my mom’s sake. An illusion that keeps me trapped here, as I said to myself. That just proves that I’m making no sense. So why do I think like this?

When I told my mother this, there were two ways of thinking: am I just sick for thinking this, or is the other side of me right? If that were the case, I had no idea how she would have reacted, finding out the truth of my illusion. Reality is the truth. Does that mean it’s fake? Am I just fake? But, thinking like my first self, all of this is just an attempt to escape the hard reality. So here I am, answering all my own questions. I just struggle with myself and attempt to escape this pain.

My mother’s reply was: “I wish you wouldn’t have been born to feel all of this. I’m sorry.” She thought I was sad. But I never understood what I was feeling. If this is sadness or something else, I wish I could be normal. I wish Mom would have the happiness she deserves.

I assume every person, or at least many people, ask what the meaning of life is. Why do we exist? What’s the point of it? What’s the point of survival and evolution? I don’t seem to understand why adults like living, why they feel happiness, anger, or sadness. Some people say the point of living is to survive, live a long and happy life, and watch evolution happen, even though we know our lives will end.

Could someone explain what I am feeling and what’s the reason to live and die? Isn’t there an end to evolution? Why is my brain not in a state to understand? Is it normal for me to think people who want to live are dumb? Why does this side of me think like this? I just want to understand. No, I want to be normal.

If this is what it means to be alive and grow up—questioning all this just to die again—I do not want to live. However, I’ll just wait until my lifetime is over, and I’ll finally find the freedom I have always wanted.

[rainbow-burst]

8 dayss till

Last night I realized that growing old isn't a terrible thing, in fact growing old is actually a blessing and an amazing thing that can happen to anybody. I always thought, well technically for the past maybe two or three years always told myself that growing old is something that I don't want to do.

It's funny saying you don't want to grow old but day by day month by month year by year you getting older.

The reason why I thought that even like 2 days ago thought that was because I thought I was wasting my life. I thought I was wasting so much on my pressure just young years teen years on being so shy so 10 minutes so embarrassed about who I was.

I feel that I wasted my teen years on nothing I wasn't exploring who I was or who I wanted to be.

I saw so many young artists my age back then make it big with popular trends popular artworks but I thought maybe if I hop on this trend or get in this form of fandom I'll make a big too.

It turns out forcing yourself to like something doesn't help you actually like it.

Actually liking something and getting into it helps you enjoy what you're doing just shooting out our work that you have no care or love for it doesn't make you happy it makes the whole process of you being an artist more miserable.

I mean it's one thing getting commission work and aren't you really want to create.

But when I'm saying is I feel like I wasted my teen years wanting to be something that I wasn't mature for. Even on Twitter I had like a bit of pop-up popularity for a little bit but with all that popularity it became stress anxiety. I couldn't handle it it scared me.

And when that rise of popularity came again I was so focused on keeping up that high, I wanted to keep impressing people doing things that I liked someone but I wanted to impress people more I was doing things for other people instead of for myself.

I mean I love the heart I was making but what I did to do it took sleep away from me stress me out and made me feel, like a manufacturing machine than a actual person.

I've been struggling for the past few years with the idea of if I'm even human.

I think it's also due to my anxiety depression and possible autism and ADHD, and lack of knowing how to communicate with other people.

The state I was in as a child and even as a young adult now has not been entirely good I mean recently it's been a lot a lot better.

But as a child to a teenager I was mainly forced into isolation and fear of speaking of for myself or even speaking at all. That was stuck with the absent father and semi absent but very verbally and mentally and emotionally abusive mother.

Dealt with death in the family someone that was and still is very important to me and my family, my grandmother.

And then growing up to think I finally can be free separating myself from family thinking that they were always the problem but it wasn't all of them it was just my mother and my father and some of my sister.

I lost so much money because my mother using me and abusing me and then acting as if she was the victim and basically pushing down my feelings and emotions down to just say that her feelings are more important than mine.

Dealing with a verbally abusive and very threatening father didn't help either as when leaving her my mom I went with my father just to go through the same type of treatment again.

I use my art as a way to get away from my feelings but I realize you can't do that as your art is practically you whether it's fan art or original art it's you.

It's always been me I just use already created characters just to make up for my lack of originality sometimes but also just to have some form of comfort and something to constantly draw over and over again until I decide to make them into my own OCS lol.

I guess what I'm saying is the more I grow and more I realize who I am and see where I came from and what I love and what I want to just forget is that it's about having fun whether you're old young or a teenager just remember to have fun.

Great when you want live life and be free, I've been trapped from doing any of that for so long that I've been so used to dropping my own self in that own delusion of having to separate myself from people or isolate the idea of being true to yourself to myself actually that I kind of just lost who I am.

Right now I'm dealing with the whole I thought of whether if I'm human or not I know I am it's just that I feel like I haven't been able to become human due to these problems I had in my life.

I'm honestly in a better place than it was 2 years ago well technically a few months ago because I had to move, but honestly before having the move and even now I'm in a better place I feel safe I feel loved I feel semi-understood I'm getting understood by certain family members just not the main one I'm trying to aim that emotions too.

It's just I want to feel free and I never really thought I could really Express those emotions out loud like on here I kind of always kept my ego I guess in my pride to myself especially on a big platform I know only one or no people will see this but it's for my on purpose my own breaking of ego to just say that.

A lost so many friends which I'm actually glad, most of them are all toxic weird or just very very strange people and I'm thinking about dropping some more as they carry no good things for me it's always something going on and personally I don't have time for that I think I like keeping my friends small like the space of friends small more than anything.

I'm 23 now and I'm going to be 24 and honestly I'm excited for what 24 will bring me I was born in 2000 so I guess I'm excited for 20-25. Also I prefer using my speaker than typing as it will be a pain LOL.

But overall, I'm okay then I'm going older I used to make fun of it and say that ew I'm going to be like my friends my close friends of course old and wrinkly and old and my friends are wrinkly I just made fun of them

But I had that fear of growing old because I thought I was wasting my life but an actuality the more I grow in the more I get older I'm learning more, I want to focus on understanding things than hopping on our trends or silly trends that nobody will care about in the next 5 months I just want to live and have fun I rather do that than die at a young age.

[tomgrrl]

RIP to my teenage years

As the semester draws to an end, I am forced to think about how I'm going to spend my break. It's a troubling thought especially since in the middle of my break my birthday comes. Well, my birthday is at a very inopportune time of the year, I remember my mom telling me when I was young that I’d enjoy having a winter birthday because eventually I’d go to college and I would have my birthday off from school but what she neglected to tell me was how difficult it would be to plan any event relating to my birthday considering that all my friends would be out of the state. I'm turning 20 in the coming year and it's a pretty big birthday for me. It’s officially the end of my teenage years which I'd like to point out I never wanted to enter. A bit more elaboration on that would be that when I was little I never wanted to be a teenager I used to sit up at night and cry for hours saying I don't want to be a teenager I don't want to do it, and in my own defense being a teenager isn't easy. You struggle with understanding and adapting to new emotions as well as dealing with changes in hormones which cause interesting feelings and urges to arise. I'll end it there simply because I don't want to go into a conversation about the birds and the bees right now but my main point is that being a teenager is a tumultuous time in a person's life and in my 5-year-old little mind I somehow understood that it was not going to be easy. Therefore my 20th birthday is an excessively big event for me, I just don't know what to do. It'll be cold and I've already done all of the winter birthday things, such as ice skating, tubing, skiing, sledding, snowboarding, and going on vacation. I would just like to do something new and exciting. The only issue is that with new and exciting 2 problems arise; 1. What can I do? And 2. Can I afford it? Which is why I have to think about how I'm going to spend my break. The first official week of break I'm going to still be working but at a different hourly rate, I'll be coming in at 9:00 AM and leaving at 5:30 a typical office job except I'll be working with kids that have been there since 7:00 AM. This requires a lot of mental fortitude and patience considering that handling kids for three hours is already difficult let alone from 9:00 to 5:00. However, doing this will ensure that I make a lot of money at an hourly rate of $15.50 an hour I'll make a tidy little lump sum that I can devote my time towards overseeing my birthday plans. Now the only hurdle I must jump is, what do I actually want to do for my birthday? This is the last bit of stress that I need considering that exam season is coming up and I really need to focus on studying for that but instead here I am being plagued by thoughts of my birthday in anticipation of how I'm going to celebrate the occasion. Hold on all this has been the chronicle of an overworked underpaid college student.

[a-tale-never-told]

I know, I know... it's just that I'm extremely afraid for Dad especially. Considering his skin color and race, he's a primary target for any white supremacist group, or racist bigot to assassinate him, especially considering his status as an Ultimate. And given that he's crippled and relies on a wheelchair to move around the house, he isn't capable of defending himself in the condition that he's in.

Look at it from this perspective: Nobody actively tried to hurt your dad, simply because he always stays within the house and has the front door locked and windows shut. Nobody actively tried to assassinate him as of late, right? So I'm absolutely sure that as long as he doesn't go outside without any of you to watch over him, he'll be fine.

I understand. I just... want him to do something, anything around the house! He's been cooped up for years in that house without putting any effort into improving our well-being. I get that he's crippled and can't walk, but that's no excuse for being lazy that he can't hide behind.

But... I absolutely understand why he can't afford to find any job opportunities, given the current state of race relations in this country. It's not like he doesn't want to pursue any opportunities to seek a job, but his disability, and the enormous gaps of segregation between white-collar workers that come from purely white families, and the rest of the racially mixed working class.

Man, it must've been incredibly stress-inducing for someone like him and you, who's already dealing with a physical disability, to just lay down on the couch and take shelter in his own home simply because he feared that he might get killed just by going outside his residence, huh?

Stress-inducing doesn't even begin to describe it... it almost felt like we were constantly being under surveillance in our own homes, always being watched and spied upon for even the slightest bit of activity we did. I had to resort to holding Mom's sniper rifle in my hands and positioning myself whenever someone knocked at the door since I couldn't tell if they were out to kill my family. Do you know how much trauma I endured from all of that alone?!

Dear god... I'm... terribly sorry for that, Mahiru. I can't even describe how much paranoia and pain you and your family must've suffered during this time.

It's fine, Sonia. Really.

Luckily, I've managed to calm down and think rationally since then, and I no longer hold the sniper rifle with me whenever a person shows up, so at least it shows that my mental state has improved... somewhat.

I just... really wanted my family to be protected from any insane, hate-filled, white supremacists that would've been out to slaughter us simply because my dad is black... and I ended up taking desperate measures to the extreme.

While I don't agree with the methods that you took to protect your family, I honestly don't blame you for being justified in your fear for your family's safety. Anyone with a sensible brain would absolutely feel threatened if a random psychopath went up to their house, and just started to kill their family members. I just doubt they would have handled it in the same manner you did.

Uh, I don't blame you for judging me on that. I admit that I should've handled the situation far better than I ended up handling it in the idiotic manner that it was committed.

But I definitely know far better than resorting to such a callous and reckless move like that. Next time, I'll try to handle situations like this far more appropriately, considering that I could've ended up shooting someone by absolute mistake.

Don't... even bring that scenario up. Please.

S-Sorry! It was just hypothetically speaking, that's all. Still, I really need to handle house security a lot better than I ended up conducting it in such a stupid and irresponsible matter. At least I know what NOT to do in the event of something like this occurring...