#how that can make you yourself toxic/unkind/etc

[littlehollyleaf]

So. Those Dead Boy Detectives, huh?

[angstyantoinette]

Yandere! Armin Arlert Headcanons

AGED UP I REPEAT ALL CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP-

This little blonde ball of curiosity is verrryy toxic in my Yandere version. 

Armin knows how innocent he looks to other people and by playing on this, coupled with his practical and analytical genius status, boy is it so very easy for him to gain the trust of his comrades, friends and especially his Beloved. 

I feel as if Armin wouldn’t be picky with a particular type, but never being attracted to an unkind or particular person he would be disgusted by in any way. 

He may fall for someone who is slightly colder, or who doesn’t really know how to respond to kindness. In that scenario, Armin would be overjoyed, but very patient and giving with them; if he wasn’t Yandere. 

I see him as very touch-starved and wanting, but afraid to be clingy for fear he would drive his Beloved away. In this case he would dote on you as best he could in his environment, making you fall for him even more. 

You would him as endearing, and like most, innocent. Armin is smart; one might say way too smart for his own good, and being a Yandere, I feel this makes him just as dangerous as those willing to use physical violence/methods on their Beloved. 

He knows that you just love his little quirks and his way of thinking. If you tell him this, he may think you only see him as valuable because of his skill for strategizing. But when you reassure him that you just love him for him, he just falls in love with you even more. 

He’s worrisome about you. Every time he makes practise with your ODM gear until you’re bruised, and exhausted, ready to run into his awaiting arms. Rewarding you with cuddles and affection, Armin’s love isn’t exactly conditional; but it still isn’t normal.

But that’s if you accept his feelings, with Armin being a Yandere or not, and with your knowledge or ignorance. 

If you don’t accept his feelings, whether it being for your personal reasons, or because you…um, like someone else, to put it nicely; 

YOU’RE FUCKED. 

He’ll smile, nod his head, maybe try a little too hard to act like he’s okay with your decision. But you understand, after all, it’s not like you haven’t been rejected before. 

“We can always be friends, Armin! I’m here for you okay?” 

“Yeah, Y/N, whatever you say…” 

About a few weeks after his rejection, with all of the support from Eren, Mikasa and the others, Armin is slowly descending into a deep depression. 

He was so sure of his feelings for you. They were his most prized possession. You made him laugh, you made him blush and god you made his pitiful life seem so much more worth living. You were the ocean, and he just wanted to drown myself in you. Like the sun he saw so rarely, you were the ray of pure light that made his body burn. 

He lay awake at night, taunted and enthralled with the thoughts of you in so many different scenarios….maybe in particular, different positions. 

[Yes, those kinda positions. Armin’s not always that innocent, y’all.]

He knows that the more he thinks of you in these appetizing ways, in these hurtfully satisfying scenarios, he’s never going to be able to get over you. 

Rather, he’s not even going to try.

Being trapped in his fantasies, Armin is horrifically aware that these feelings are incredibly toxic, for the both of you. He just won’t let you go. Whatever it takes, Armin will commit whatever crimes he must to keep you in his life. 

He sees you as being misunderstood, especially if you’re typically a colder person, hard to read, detached. Some people compare you to Levi, but Armin just knows that you, like the Corporal, have far more depth than you let on. 

His intrigue doesn’t let up for a long while, as you’re constantly surprising him in new and amazing ways. You’re used to his deep interest in you after a while, but you still don’t understand him. 

Armin thrives on your confusion at first, but if it drives you away from him, he’ll go into tactical mode. Staying up all night,figuring out who is calling your attention to them rather than him and what his next move should be. 

With his intelligence, Armin keeps his sizzling bafflement and envy under wraps. He tells himself that maybe he had unerved you a little. He can get like that sometimes, surely you understood him well enough to know that?He obviously did find you interesting and he was willing to momentarily abandon Eren and Mikasa just to fuel his endless curiosity. 

Keep in mind, this is after you reject him, and his desperation to just know you and love you is greatly overwhelming him to the highest degree. You just won’t allow him to really see you, to understand you. 

Eventually, he snaps. Just not in the typical yandere way. We all know that Armin feels as though he is a nuisance, a self-proclaimed burden so he keeps most of his feelings inside, and lets them loose to either prove a point, or while under stress. 

It takes a minute for him to decide what to do with you, because he knows that once he has made a choice, it has to be the right choice. He has to know and map out a detailed plan, whether it’s doable, whether he’s able to pull it off by himself, etc.

His analytical skills come into play, and he plans everything from the location, time, the equipment needed at exactly what time. By this time, he will have comepletely left you alone; abrupt and brash, and just as he planned, you were surprised. Yes, he wanted to get to know you, and you couldn’t help but feel even slightly violated and maybe even disturbed. 

Your like anyone in the world, have natural curiosity and interest in just about anything. But the unfamiliar feeling of unsettlement around Armin just felt…off.

You secretly knew of his deep infatuation; people always seemed to determined to figure the silent types out, to crack them open, decipher their many secrets. In terms of this analogy, you sort of understand, maybe even sympathise with his endless novelty toward your character, but even so…just why?

Maybe it was the fact that you felt bad for him, in a sad, puppy love kinda way. Maybe you saw him as a traumatized individual, just putting his assumed coping mechanism to work, with you just in the innocent line of fire. 

If he kidnaps you at all, Armin will smother you. Telling you how much you mean to him, explaining that only he can access your wonder and intrigue. Because, after all, he worked this hard to get you; why would he ever share you with anyone else? 

Although he will be stern, he’ll always be nice about it, rewarding you or not. 

You’re an enigma to Armin Arlert, keeping him guessing, testing his patience with all of your being. You don’t know it, but soon you’ll be in his possession.

I headcanon him as seeing your refusal, your blatant rejection as some kind of ‘disease.’ You haven’t even seen the best of him yet, why make up your mind about something that you know almost nothing of? Oh well, you’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other very soon. He’ll bare his injured soul to you, and you’ll have mo choice but to do the same for him. It’s what married couples do after all, right?

Just let him love you, Y/N. Let Armin adore you. It’s the best thing to do if you want everyone to live.

Glassy, still sapphire eyes simply stared at you in the weak light of a stolen candle. You couldn’t quite pinpoint what they were saying, those beautiful, dangerous, albeit loving eyes. But yet, they also held malice in their abyss’. Endless, bottomless, simply divine they were. That was all you knew.

“Why…do you lie to me?” he murmered. A small, rough palm came to rest against your hollowed cheek, fingertips gently tapping against the skin. Realising how close he truly was, you tried your hardest to get away, shifting in your place in the surprisingly plush, old bed, but all it took was a flash of blonde hair to whip past your face, before he succeeded in holding your arms down.

While he never did this explicitly to punish or harm you, Armin always knew just how to exert his power. Never mind the boundaries that he installed in you the day of your arrival; he didn’t care for them as much as you had to pretend to.

This Armin was unhinged. Normalcy could never be considered in this relationship. He could never understand the pain he put you through. To Armin, it was all in the name of his devotion. All of his interest had been rooted in one fact; you refused to love him.

Once he figured out that you wouldn’t couldn’t love him of your own accord, he became enamoured with something he just knew he could never have.

He had never even thought about taking you, drugging you, dragging you to a secluded spot in the woods, or an out of bounds room, derelict over many years.

“I never intended to take you like this, bunny.”

Swallowing hard, you tried to look him in the eyes, gently lifting your head higher and higher until his blue pools of mere unhinged insanity met your own pained orbs. Seeming to like this, he smiled.

His perfect teeth looked more like fangs in the dim, weak moonlight. It had felt like he had managed to suck every molecule of beauty from even the most simple of things.

His voice sounded like the devil; harsh, unforgiving lilting tones of false hope daring to stroke you face and make you think you had a good chance at happiness.

You didn’t know when he stopped being Armin and began being a monster. You didn’t know if the lines could be blurred any further.

“I never wanted this, Armin-” 

“Don’t play with me, bunny,” he snapped. His slender fingers wound themselves in your clean hair, twisting and searching for a soft spot to pull. When he found it, he lightly tugged; barely, but you still winced from the thought of the last time he did this. 

You still wanted to believe that he was quiet, sweet Armin who still had an unstoppable fascination with you, but he was harmless then. Or was he? Was he faking his intentions? Did he have it planned from the very beginning? 

You wanted to choke yourself for believing his simple demeanour, his dedication to the cause of the Survey Corps just like everyone else. He was a liar. He was a predator in all ways, ensnaring you, his perfect prey. 

Only now had Armin realized just how confused you were. 

You didn’t understand his love for you. You thought he hated you! 

Now that wouldn’t do.

Armin could have have kicked himself. All of his stern discipline and rules stemming from his love and protection meant that you mistook for him being cruel. He was doing this out of his devotion! 

How could he assume you would understand if he never told you, if he never proved his love?

“Armin, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything, I swear-” You took a deep breath, cutting yourself off. Now was not the place or time to be losing your composure; you still were trying to get used to the fact that you were being held against your will. 

“Hush”, he suddenly murmured, gently taking your chin in his fingertips, before moving them to tenderly cup your face, his eyes darting anywhere that he could lay his gaze upon.

The gestures were so tender you found your cheeks erupting with a wild blush, the burning shame hitting you moments later when your hatred and slight fear hit you like a slap to the face. 

Your embarassment only got worse when you felt his soft lips kiss your throat, his warm breath flush against your skin. His hands found themselves back in your hair again, stroking it, petting it, twisting it round and round his finger. His right hand caressed your nape, spreading his fingers so that they only just covered the width of your neck, and he pulled you closer, so that your head was nuzzled into his neck, buried beneath his love and fascination.

It all clicked. 

Armin wasn’t just interested in you. 

He was obessed with you.

Obsessively in love with you. 

You felt pathetic. You felt weak. But in a strange way, you also felt loved. 

You had no choice but to resign yourself to his touch, letting your head fall limp as he cradled you to his chest.

“Good bunny.”

[jebazzled]

troubleshooting: common quandaries and thots to overcome

It's no surprise that people whose major hobby involves writing, the internet, and fandom are often people who carry a lot of anxiety and tension around with them. For many of us, writing is something we do to escape, relax, unwind, and flex creative muscles we might not get to use at work or school. I get it.

For many of us, however, it also seems like forum rp is a stressor, a cause of great anxiety and insecurity. We've all seen or known people who go through a major rp-related crisis.

Sometimes, these crises are truly major - catastrophic falling-outs and permanently damaging rumor mills and etc etc. But a lot of the time? Well. It's not that it's "in your head," because obviously what you are feeling is very valid. But I think sometimes the way we think of internet spaces fuels dysfunctional thinking.

This isn't quite a tutorial; it's more in the vein of my tough love re: writer's block. I'm going to talk through some common scenarios, anxieties, and other issues I see in the rp community, and offer my (fully unsolicited) thoughts and advice. As always, your mileage may vary, but I'm trying!

Topics covered, because this one is a LONGBOI:

Insecurity & thread reactions

Insecurity & completionism/ Being Liked

Jealousy (especially ship-related)

The server is not therapy.

So here's the thing about the internet: for better or worse, it's for everyone.

On the far end of the spectrum, this means that the internet is a great incubator for toxic garbage. See: right-wing radicals, etc. But for most of us, this means that there is room on the internet for weird little me and my weird little hobby. You can find a community to talk about virtually any interest. You, for example, found the rp community.

So here's the thing about the internet: for better or worse, it's for everyone. This means that while you can find a community to talk about virtually any interest, you are never going to find a community that is completely without flaws.

There will always be people who annoy you, rub you the wrong way, or who you think are mean-spirited and negative. There will always be someone you don't get along with. There will always be people who disagree with you.

I have been in servers where members come to me time and time again to complain about other members, as though I am going to boot someone for wanting to talk about x just because they, personally, are sick of hearing about x. I am not going to tell someone to change their personality because someone else, personally, finds it annoying.

Offline, you wouldn't tell your manager at Starbucks to fire Susie because you don't like talking to her. You would simply not talk to her outside of a professional context. You would simply not take your break at the same time as her. You would simply not make small talk with her when the store is quiet and would instead, like, read the liner notes on whatever CD is at the register. (Does Starbucks still sell CDs?)

There will always be people in your community who you do not like and whose logic does not make sense to you. If they are not doing anything genuinely abusive, they have as much right to be in your community as you do. There is, in fact, likely someone in your community who finds you somewhat annoying. C'est la vie.

A community is not an environment custom-curated to your exact specifications. It is a community. You are not entitled to it being perfect. You are entitled to a space free from harassment and bigotry. If the space is free from harassment and bigotry and you cannot enjoy the space because someone else in it is existing harmlessly in a way that you dislike or find irritating, you have the option to leave the community. Discord server links are not a binding contract!

This is all to say: I think a lot of us expect far more of our online communities than is fair. Remember that every single person in your server is an individual human being with an interior life as rich as your own, and a list of neuroses possibly as extensive. None of them, yourself included, are perfect.

Oh, speaking of that list of neuroses! Let's tackle it, babe.

Your neuroses are not anyone else's problem.

It is on you to work through and overcome your anxieties and insecurities.

It is kind of other people to accommodate your growth, or to modify their behavior so as not to trigger your anxieties and insecurities. They are by no means required to do so.

Note: they do need to respect your triggers, if you have them and list them.

So here we go: troubleshooting frequent freak-outs. Buckle up!!!

Insecurity & thread reactions (or lack thereof)

Some people experience a lot of anxiety and insecurity around how their writing partners react to their threads. This might surface in the form of feeling unappreciated/disliked if the thread partner doesn't drop an emoji react on the link in your server's tag channel, or in feeling like no one likes your writing because they aren't swooning over it in #affirmations/ #thread-shoutouts/ #quotables/ etc.

You are serving as both texters in this meme.

So... you don't actually know what's going on with your thread partner at any given moment, you know? Personally, here are some possible scenarios with me as your thread partner:

You tag me and I put a passage from your post in #thread-shoutouts: I am at my desk, on my computer, not engaged in active DM conversation with anyone, and your post either made me cackle or it made me emo

You tag me and I DM you to gush about it: there's a lot happening in the server right now/ I don't want to derail a public conversation

You tag me and I react with an emoji: I am at date night with my girlfriend and she is in the bathroom. I have had time to read your post. I probably haven't put it in my tracker and will try and remember later, when I find it in one of 100 tabs open on Safari on my phone.

You tag me and I don't react at all: I am swamped with work and read your post in between emails. Instead of taking a second to react I immediately jumped into my tracker to log your reply, and now I am back to emails.

You'll notice none of these rationales are: "I don't react at all because I dislike you as a human." "I actively chose to quote Susie in #thread-shoutouts and not you because I want to hurt you." "I don't DM you about our thread because I hate our thread."

It doesn't have to be that deep! Stop hurting yourself. Let yourself assume the kindest option. After all, don't you want people to assume the best of you, too?

If your thread partners know you value emoji reacts or thread shoutouts, it is kind of them to do them. But it isn't inherently unkind for them not to, either. You're better off trying to kick that need for public validation.

Overview for addressing thread reaction insecurity:

If your server has a thread shoutout/quotables/etc channel, mute it. Don't look at it. Stop giving yourself something to fixate on.

When you are worried that someone hates a thread because they aren't giving emoji reacts, instead of building a narrative in your head that may or may not be true - communicate! "What beats do you want us to make sure we hit in this thread?" is a good introductory question to see if a thread is doing something for either or both of you, and gives your partner a chance to say something if they do want it to go in a different direction and would be more excited.

If someone is continuing to write with you, regardless of whether they post an emoji, it is probably because they enjoy writing with you!

Be deliberate about your thread premises! In my experience, threads done "just because" without a specific purpose (e.g. building chemistry between ship partners, introducing a subplot about a cursed hairbrush, kidnapping a house elf) are the first to lose steam and lose interest. It's entirely possible that someone likes you, likes writing with you, and simply doesn't prioritize this thread above their others because there's nothing meaningful to prioritize!

Keep your eyes on your own paper and stop reading so much into what other people do or don't do. It's probably not that deep!

Insecurity & completionism/ Being Liked

You would not be the first person to exacerbate their own problems because of a sense of duty to the spirit of completionism. Here's the thing, friend:

You do not need to write with every member.

You do not need to plot with every character.

You do not need to be in every subplot.

You do not need to have a character in every member group.

People fall into this trap thinking that if they can be everything to everyone, it will make them popular/important/beloved/a truly included member of the site.

But quantity is not the same as quality. You might have a thread with every character onsite but if half those threads are under a "they're on the same bus" premise, then yeah, people aren't going to want to keep up with that thread, and it's going to contribute to your thread reaction anxiety!

Write characters you are excited about. But more importantly: write plots you are excited about. Write threads you are excited about. You can be friends with people in your server without writing with them! You are better off writing a smaller number of really well-plotted, juicy plots that everyone involved feels heavily invested in than in writing a lot of watery threads for the sake of writing with every single person. It's hard to believe, but many people would rather NOT have a thread and wait until there's a juicy reason to than write a thread that doesn't have any development relevance simply for the sake of it.

If you're finding that it's hard to find juicy or plot-driven reasons to thread with many people, that might be a hint to write different types of characters. While yes, people exist who are very self-contained and isolated, the purpose of rp isn't to be a direct mirror of real life. It's to have fun while writing with other people. If your character is not fun to write with other people, they are probably not a good fit for an rp setting.

RP is not a popularity contest. This is not high school. No one is voting for prom queen. Be kind and be open to ideas and collaboration and people will like you. People will enjoy writing with you! People might even go out of their way to write with you. And they will be writing things that matter to both of you. That's winning, dude.

You might be tempted to pinpoint a "popular group" in the server and fix your sights on becoming one of them. This is also a failing proposition: often the "popular group" you might first identify is incorrect, and you are mistaking "exclusivity" for "importance." Sometimes sites have a small, tight-knit group with intricate inter-group plots and a very visibly closed-off dynamic. Since that dynamic mirrors the popular girls you were raised watching in teen movies, I can understand why you would assume that these people are the most important people to befriend on a site. They're not. They're cliquey and exclusive, and trying to get them to make room for you when they have intentionally and performatively set themselves aside from many other members is like... lmao, dude, it's not going to work.

Not only that, but the fact that these people are hard to pin down? It's not a selling point! The most beloved members on any site are not the ones who make you beg for a scrap of their attention. The most beloved members are the people who are friendly and kind. THAT is who you want to Get In with.

Overview for addressing completionism tendencies and "what if I'm Left Out" woes:

This is not a popularity contest, and you are a grown up. Focus on having fun and enjoying writing. That is not something you can do if your first priority is Getting In with the people you think are a site's "Popular Crowd."

You do not need to be everything to everyone. You cannot be everything to everyone.

In fact, everyone will appreciate you more if you do less and you do it well.

Focus on the positive. Who cares if Susie and Sally won't write with you? Sarah and Sam love writing with you! Yes, it would make sense for Susie to plot with you because your characters work together - but again, this is a hobby, not real life, and if you and Susie don't vibe, your characters don't need to interact! Why write with people who make you feel insecure? Trick question; there's NO reason to!

I understand the drive to be well-liked. Trust! I, too, desperately want to be well-liked. You'll have better luck if you don't try so hard. Be yourself and make friends with people who genuinely like you. Stop worrying about what the site's yearbook will look like. There isn't going to be a fucking yearbook.

Jealousy (especially ship-related)

Do you ever find yourself feeling a spike of anxiety or resentment when one of your favorite writing partners writes with someone else?

This reaction is especially common where ships are concerned: when one partner writes AU ships with their character, or has a plot with their character's previous partners before their OTP, etc.

It's a bit territorial, and it's not a good look, friends!

Your writing partners get to write with other people. How much they enjoy writing with other people has nothing to do with how much they enjoy writing with you. How much they write with other people has nothing to do with you. What they write has nothing to do with you. It's not all about you!

It truly doesn't matter how anxious you feel when your writing partners write with other people. They are entitled to write with whoever they want! What makes you nervous about them writing with other people?

In a forum rp environment, the best way to secure fulfilling, satisfying character arcs for your character is to plot with multiple others. That includes you, on both fronts: your writing partner needs you for their character's development as much as you need them! They aren't going to just stop writing with you arbitrarily.

If they do stop writing with you, there is probably a reason! Are they still on the site? Are they still writing? Are they going through something in real life that might impact their muse? There could be a hundred reasons why they are writing more with Susie now than they were with you, and they could be anything from "Susie is out of town this week so I want to give her a lot of replies to come home to" to "a ladder fell on my head and I am recovering from a concussion" to, possibly, "your territorial behavior makes me uncomfortable, and I would rather write with people who do not make me feel bad about writing with other people."

This behavior is especially weird in a ship context, and is something worth unpacking. When you write ships, do you resent/get anxious about your ship partner writing AU ship threads? About their character having previous partners? About their character having crushes that they do not act on?

An AU ship is an alternate universe specifically because it is not real. Susie and Sally shacking up in a space AU has no bearing over whether or not Susie and Marco end up together as finals.

Just like human beings have romantic history, it makes sense for characters to have romantic history, and these plots give your writing partner an opportunity to write plots that they might not get with you. For example, your writing partner might want to write a breakup plot with weird friendship tensions, which might not be a relevant vibe for Susie and Marco. But your partner can explore that with Marco and Sally. Again: it's not all about you, and your writing partner gets to write what they want, and you do, too.

Sometimes I think we can trace the territorial side of ship-oriented plotting to toxic monogamy culture, as described here. Particularly relevant are the below:

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

Your writing partner is not cheating on your ship by giving their character other ships. If it feels that way to you, you are getting too emotionally invested, and you should probably back off of ship-oriented plotting for a while to unpack why you are feeling this way.

That said, of course be clear about boundaries. This applies both to M-rated content and to parameters of plotting. For example, you might tell your partner that you are not interested in a plot whose core conflict is "will they or won't they." You want to write these characters with the longevity of their relationship never in doubt. You might not want a plot where one character is cheating on the other. You might want these characters to be monogamous. That's fair! It's not fair for you to expect your writing partner to limit the plots they do that do not actually involve your character to avoid triggering your insecurities.

Overview for dealing with jealousy:

It's not all about you! Your writing partners deserve to have a good time as much as you deserve to have a good time. They can enjoy writing with you AND writing with someone else.

Be very clear with your boundaries. If there are plots between your character and another character that you cannot write, let your partner know before they accidentally step in a minefield.

Be willing to step away from ships. There are plenty of plots that do not involve ships. If ships make you a jealous and anxious mess, you should stop writing ships and work on that journey. It is more important to be a good writing partner than it is to write romantic ships.

Writing is such a personal thing, and we all of course connect very deeply to our characters - it only makes sense that we be invested in their outcomes! But if your gut reaction is one of jealousy, this is something that you need to work on, not something your writing partners should need to tiptoe around.

The server is not therapy.

Because rp is an online hobby, it can be easy to forget that every person you interact with in the server or forum is also a whole ass person on the other side of the screen. Which is to say, your rp friends do not exist to be your emotional support.

Of course they can be supportive - some of my closest friends are people I have met through rp! But online as in real life, you need to remember that everyone is always going through something. You are never the only person in the world who needs support, and you need to be thoughtful in how you engage with your friends here.

Do you listen when they share their problems, or do you immediately change the subject to talk more about your own? Do they not share their problems at all - is this a one-sided close friendship? Are the majority of your DMs to them seeking comfort, advice, affirmation, validation?

If you need a text-based counseling service, BetterHelp can connect you with a therapist. A therapist is a person whose job is to listen and ask nothing from you for their own personal emotional needs.

Your friends - online as in real life - are not therapists. They will not always have the bandwidth to help you. They will not always feel comfortable helping you. The internet breeds a sense of intimacy, the idea that regular chat conversation makes for a deep knowledge of another person. And of course this is sometimes the case! But in many cases, the person you are asking for psychoanalysis in the DMs on Discord doesn't actually know you very well. And if you have been relying on them for emotional support, you might be wearing them out.

Overview for not treating your rp friends like therapists:

Be thoughtful. If you have something heavy you want to talk about, first ask if they have the bandwidth. For example: "Hi Susie! Do you have the energy to give me some advice on x work issue?"

Listen. If your friend wants to talk about their issues, stop thinking about how you can relate and it sounds just like that time you... and just LISTEN. If you want to offer advice, keep it about them. If you don't know how to help, commiserate. "That's rough, buddy."

Self-check. Look at your chat history as though it's between your friend and someone you've never met. What do you think of this person? Are they a good listener? Do they reciprocate the support they get from your friend? Do they remember things your friend tells them about their own life? Or is this a one-sided conversation? If you're realizing that you're leaning too much on this friend, give them some space. If you're realizing you've gone way overboard leaning on this friend, maybe apologize and promise to be more conscientious going forward.

Be considerate. Remember that every person you know from the internet is so much more than what you've seen - I don't mean that in a "all internet users are creeps" way, I mean that in a "even if you've chatted in a server with some every day for six months, you still don't actually know them super well." Think of other people you've spent Some Time with. Think of your lab partner in 8th grade bio. You shared a desk with them for an hour a day five days a week for two thirds of the year. How much of your life did you share with them?

This tutorial got LONG - sorry, friends! Lots to talk about. I'm always happy to give Real TalksTM like this one. Feel free to drop into my askbox if you have a topic you'd like me to cover. I'm full of thoughts and feelings, and it would give me great joy for y'all to ask for them for once.

I hope this is helpful, and wish all y'all the best. Happy writing!

[survive-their-narcissism]

It's been a while. Hello!

There's something I'd like to talk about.

Hmm I'll say TW for weight and eating related things.

This past month I've been spiraling a lot. And it all started because I started remembering things I was told. A lot of body-shaming. I have gained a lot of weight since leaving them. And according to my doctors, nurses and supporters, I am now a healthy weight. But when I lived with abusers, and I was still very underweight, I'd be constantly shamed, told my body was becoming "fat and ugly" whenever I was seen eating.

Additionally, they at some point decided to sell dieting products and become diet coaches, and they took me with them because I guess their business wouldn't work unless they could put people under them (it was a pyramid thing). And while I was with them, I kept witnessing them badmouth, shame and scold people for eating, and they'd make such a big deal out of it if someone had gained even like 0.1kg, telling these people how they had become "rounder". How they were "slouching" and becoming "lazy" and becoming ugly and unhealthy. How they were cheating themselves and their diets etc...

And it was bad. And it was wrong. Logically, I know that. I know what they did was toxic and unhealthy and unkind... The fact that nobody really wanted to stay for long reinforces that.

But it's so hard to convince the emotional part of me that what they kept telling everyone wasn't true. That no one is bad or wrong for eating. That no one is unhealthy or ugly for not being underweight.

So I've been trying to fight that. And I've discovered that using logic against it can help? I've managed to stop myself from spiraling a few times because I was able to stop and tell myself that the things I was thinking and feeling did not make sense.

But I still end up eating less or skipping meals, or finding myself afraid of gaining more weight. Baby steps I guess...

I've been dealing with many other thoughts, opinions and ideals that aren't really mine, and are rather... Things I've been constantly taught as a child. Mostly things that tell me to hate myself.

And it's been a long process recognizing where my feelings are coming from. It feels like my abusers have become this.. Voice? This echo in my mind. So it's like they're still with me, even if they're not.

And it's so easy to forget that they're not me and that I don't have to listen to them.

I'm pretty sure this doesn't really happen just to me. And it feels like this will take a while, but I'm trying to remember that my abusers aren't here anymore, and I don't need to listen to this empty echo.

I don't think it will ever completely go away, but I'm sure I can learn to pay more attention to the kindness and positivity that surrounds me instead. If you're going through something similar, I'm sure you can too!

Thank you if you read till here. Please stay safe and be kind to yourself.

[uncloseted]

i know you like harry potter, right? i recently read an article called The Danger Of Ron & Hermione's Relationship (bustle) and i never thought about it that way... what do you think?

(Sorry in advance if this answer is a little disjointed) 

In general, I really dislike when people try to argue that Ron and Hermione are “toxic”.  They’re children who are the main (and sometimes only) combatants in a major war.  No, their emotional maturity is not at the level of an adult’s, and no, they don’t always make the best decisions with regards to one another, but I think that’s to be expected given the two above facts.  

I think the Hermione/Ron and Ginny/Harry ships were clearly set up as endgame from the beginning- even six year old me in 1999 could call that (and JKR says it too- “[the Ron/Hermione relationship had] far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it, Hermione with Ron.”).  

There are a lot of people who hate Ron for who he is in the movies and forget that his book character has a lot more nuance.  In the movies, yes, his character is largely characterized by being mean to Hermione.  But in the books, he’s all sorts of things- a clever strategist, a loyal, good friend, in awe of Hermione’s intelligence, their guide to the Wizarding World, funny, sensitive, and ambitious, to name a few.  There’s actually a whole trope for this vilification of Ron- it’s called “Ron The Death Eater” (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RonTheDeathEater), and as you might expect from the name, it happens to Ron quite a bit.

I don’t think it’s accurate to say that “Ron Weasley spends the majority of time with Hermione being unkind to her”.  He spends the majority of time with her being her friend; even when we see their fights, it’s because those fights are unusual for them and because they move the plot along.  Ron’s “unkindness” towards Hermione largely comes from jealousy that she’s not interested in him- he’s upset because she went to the ball with someone else, he’s afraid that Hermione will choose Harry over him.  

And Hermione, for her part, isn’t a saint, either.  Ron can be insensitive when he makes jokes; Hermione is insensitive right back when she makes him feel stupid.  She “emotionally tears [Ron] down” just as much as Ron does to her, by tapping into his inferiority complex.  She often belittles him for not understanding things that are obvious to her, and is frequently unwilling to try to see things from his point of view.  For how smart she is, Hermione is incredibly unself-aware and emotionally inept at the beginning of the series, and that impacts her relationships just as much as Ron’s “emotional range of a teaspoon” does (something Hermione actually said about him to his face).  I think there’s also an aspect of that combative relationship that Ron and Hermione like- they’re young, and I think they see it as passionate.  

I think the article’s narrative also ignores that we do see a lot of really tender, caring moments between the two of them, especially after they mature and grow out of the “boys are mean because they like you” phase (which is true to life, whether we like it or not).  Ron only “gets the girl” once he starts being more emotionally mature and treating her well.  Ron can be petty, sure, but to suggest he’s just an abusive husband waiting to happen feels like nonsense to me.  He’s someone who’s shown himself to be incredibly kind, supportive, and loyal to Hermione as well.

Then the author of this article brings up Cursed Child to justify their point, which just shouldn’t be considered canon.  Everyone in Cursed Child is a weird flanderization of themselves and acts in ways that they wouldn’t in the core series.  Cedric Diggory becomes a Death Eater and Voldemort produced a child.  Cursed Child is garbage and shouldn’t be taken seriously at all.

To me, it mostly seems like the author of this article is projecting.  It seems like she just has a chip on her shoulder about an ex she has who is a “Ron Weasley”, and sees herself as a perfect Hermione character who can do no wrong and has to “apologize for who she is”, “suppress herself” and felt like she needed to “fix her Ron”.  To me it seems like she thinks that she deserved better, and that she can blame Harry Potter from preventing her from realizing it earlier (because that’s easier than admitting you made a bad decision).

Look, are Hermione and Ron a perfect couple at age 12, or 15, or 17?  No. Of course not.  But very few couples are.  You have to learn how to grow into and with one another, how to interact with one another in a way that’s healthy, how to honor your partner’s needs even when they’re not what you would need yourself.  Relationships don’t just pop into existence being perfect- they require work.  And I do think we see Ron and Hermione doing the foundation for that work throughout the series, and especially in book 7.  Should JKR have done more to show that Ron’s (and Hermione’s, for that matter) actions in the early books were NOT OKAY and ABUSIVE AND HARASSING?  Maybe.  But I don’t think it was meant to be that deep.  I think it was just a woman who grew up in the 70s writing kids the way they acted when she was a kid herself.  Sometimes the ways kids act are “problematic”, but I think it’s better to show that than to have every character be a paragon of morality.

Also, on a side note, the “JKR REGRETS RON AND HERMIONE TOGETHER” thing that the Bustle author cites was, like a lot of the things she says, taken out of context and blown out of proportion to the actual comment.  I don’t want to be a JKR apologist here, because I do think she holds some awful views, but I think it’s important to get the whole picture when things she’s said get referenced.  In the article, she’s talking about how she doesn’t know if Ron and Hermione could get past the “combative side of [their relationship]” as adults, but then she also says, “oh, maybe she and Ron will be alright with a bit of counseling, you know...they'll probably be fine. He needs to work on his self-esteem issues and she needs to work on being a little less critical.”  She acknowledges that while they both have issues, they can work through them and have a relationship that’s successful. 

Edit to add: I do get where the author of that article is coming from. A lot of little girls are told to put up with bullshit from little boys because “he’s being mean because he likes you” or “boys will be boys”. But I don’t think the Harry Potter series, which models all different types of relationships, can be blamed for that. We should be holding the parents, teachers, coaches, etc. who say those things accountable and asking them to think differently instead of blaming media representations of relationships.

[cornfedcryptid]

This will quite literally be the only post I make in terms of the current fandom drama in DA, that only came to be after seeing this post @kunstpause posted as well as what @wardenari tagged me in and the mass of new followers I have gained from it. I only know bits and pieces of what's going on, only by those I know who are directly effected by it...so what I'm about to say may be the wrong thing to say or fall short of my intended plan.

I'm conflicted as to whether or not I should put all of this under a 'Read More' or not...or even if I should post this...or even if I should add my voice to the sea of voices, inevitably shining the light on me as well. Ah well.

Regardless what I'm about to say may be triggering to some people as it involves suicidal thoughts.

Dragon Age was first introduced to me by my 'ex' a number of years ago. During this time I was at the lowest point of my life, off and on anti depressants and ADHD meds left at right, in the vain hope that my 'ex' and I would become more than what we were. Those that are on the types of medications that alter the state of your mind know that shit ain't something you go off and on of at whatever whim strikes your fancy. To this day I can't remember 99% of what happened between when I was 24-28ish. But I digress.

At that time, I had no access to internet and only had the DA games on PS3. In them I was able to escape from the nagging voice in my head that told me everything would be so much easier if I killed myself. It's been a voice that's been following me around for over 15 years. But when I played Dragon Age it was quiet. I was able to pretend I was someone I wasn't. Happy. Whole. Not a waste of space. Loved unconditionally. It was a stark contrast to the life and relationships around me.

Once I had some semblance of internet access, I had come back to tumblr after being away a few years and fell into the fandom. It was my first ever experience in a fandom, and I had so much fun hanging out in the fringes reading what people wrote, seeing what they drew, the meta posts...all of it. It was as if I had found a safe haven from the bullshit of my life. Even met some amazing people whom I still cherish to this day, regardless of whether not if I still talk them.

Dragon Age became my oasis in the shitstorm of mental health that is the fall/winter months for me. It's become an oasis for many people, young and old. Telling someone what they can and can't do in terms of self-care is no different than any person who's offered unsolicited advice on how to deal with your mental health. It's lowkey downright insulting.

The whole reason why I'm making this post is because I am a 30 year old woman who has ADHD, and upon seeing the post while I was initially angry at the utter shittiness of the asks and disregard towards those of us with ADHD, Aspergers, and those of us that are older, I am more disappointed and sad for the person who felt the need to send them...and every other person involved in spreading the hate. I'm saddened because life, the world, those who raised them, etc. have been so unkind as to teach them that this is okay to do for whatever reason and/or the only response to something they don't agree with. The world's already a fucked up place. The pandemic only compounding it...and I understand the need to direct that feeling of hopelessness, stress, etc. upon something. But not like this. This is just hateful, toxic, and solves nothing. I understand it is easier to go this route...to direct the negative shit in/around you at someone else. It can feel cathartic. But all this does it help keep the ball of negative emotions, thoughts, whatever you want to call it within you where it grows like a cancer.

I should know...I did it in the past. I had left the fandom for the most part a couple years ago, and when I came back I saw the person who was a source of my anxiety, reason for leaving out of fear, self-doubt, and things I do not wish to divulge was still around and a prominent face. I was angry that this person got to continue doing what they were doing while I and others dealt with the effects of their insecurities. And I was scared because I feared them sending a witch hunt after me because they didn't want to see me in their space. I helped feed into the idea of calling this person out and exposing them for what they were because they had their claws in someone else. To this day it is still something I deeply regret. Not only for the stress it caused on those associated with that person, but because it marked the beginning of the end of a friendship with a person I dearly love. Because by feeding into it we let the tumor that was our anger and insecurities grow to the point it consumed us.

We were fortunate this never gained any real traction and therefore we didn't suffer any outward consequences of it. But just because it didn't go anywhere/had no real effect, doesn't mean there weren't prices that were paid.

But let me also be very clear this does not mean I do not think any of the people spreading the hate and anything else in The Mess(in all its variations) shouldn't be held accountable. We are all responsible for our actions and must hold accountability for ourselves. We must also each be aware that just because something someone has made or thinks doesn't agree with our beliefs, religion, etc. does not mean they are inherently wrong(with a few exceptions. But that is besides the point)...as well as if something goes against any of the stated above and is therefore something we can't or won't interact with doesn't mean that is universal. That type of thought is no different than...well, the Trump supporters a majority of tumblr makes fun of.

And I know taking accountability is hard. No one wants to admit they're at fault, and that it's easier to come up with a continuous list of reasons why we're right and they're wrong, even if they're ludicrous. We have been taught that in doing that it is no different than signing your own death warrant, that there is no chance at redemption. It took me a long time to realize that I played a part in the cancer that infected my friend and I. Even typing this out I feel at unease writing this on the off chance they see this and have all of that shit brought back to the forefront.

But from the sea of voices that are speaking, I do not think there is one that is speaking to you that was in a similar situation. That knows how hard it can be to just be 'Yup, I fucked up. I see that now and I'm sorry. I will try harder in the future. Please bear with me because this isn't easy for me.'

But it's okay to admit when you're at fault, because you'd be surprised at the number of people that are forgiving and understanding once you do. It's okay to let go of the negativity and anger. Don't use it as a shield, you'll only burn yourself in the long run. Don't let your ego control you. It'll only be your downfall.

And to the person I have mentioned in the paragraphs above: If you see this, I am sorry. I see now that I let my anger and fear feed into the cancer that fucked us both, and helped ruin our friendship.

[hangmansradio]

This isn't hate i am genuinely curious but don't reply if you don't feel comfortable. I understand you have your reasons for not changing grants pronouns in earlier fics and I agree with you, it would be out of context. But how do you handle the thought of upsetting people by making that decision? Do you think it is a maturity thing or a natural personality trait? I find it hard to not overthink and often bend over backwards to not upset people, even if it goes against my beliefs (

I totally understand, nonny. It’s actually very much in my nature to bow down to what other’s want, especially if I’m being told I am being unkind, ignorant, or coming from a place of hatred  - I never see myself as coming from a place of hate, so when someone tells me that they think I am, I will think about it endlessly and believe me, I still do think about the Grant pronouns constantly. At this point, I sort of say to myself, “oh just change them, then no one will bother you anymore”, but several of my “real life” friends are genderqueer and are basically being my back bone for me at this point and tell me to stick to my guns, even when I want to just crawl into a hole.  I definitely do think that it becomes easier to stick to your own choices as you mature; I’m not exactly old, but I definitely see a very big difference between people my age and people who are even just a few years younger than us. So, yes, getting older will make it easier but I don’t think it will ever be easy when people are trying to make you bend.  I also think that online hate is especially difficult to contend with; everyone feels brave behind a keyboard, and today’s “Twitter generation” are so very quick to “cancel” people, that the first moment you receive hate, it’s easy to feel terrified and like you have to bow down to whatever the haters are saying, or else lose your position in the online community you’re a part of - be that fanfiction, fan art, etc etc. That’s why in my own experience I was so eager to talk to the anon haters properly, via Discord - where we could hear one another’s real voices and therefore properly understand one another’s tone. And I think important discussions should be done in real time - not back and forth online where Googling arguments can be so helpful - because when it comes down to a discussion about personal feelings, it should be done raw, in my opinion, where we have to respond ‘on the spot’, and don’t have time to conjure up whole essays that are used to try and push another person down. I also cannot stand upsetting people, and I don’t think that can ever come across properly in writing. People need to hear it, properly, but no one took me up on my offer so c’est la vie. ANYWHO, all this essay to simply say... Upsetting people is THE worst. Being told you have done something to upset someone, or a group of people, will of course cut deep. Reflect, and listen, but if you find you are not being heard in turn, or if deep down, your feelings have not changed, then stay true to who you are. To do something only for the sake of getting other people off our back will only create an even more toxic relationship in the long run. And remember - it’s okay for friends to disagree with each other. I would argue it’s even a good thing. To surround yourself only by people pushing the same rhetoric will give you a very one-sided view of life; and life is never black and white. If you know your beliefs, and can keep them even when your friends disagree, and still be kind to each other despite all that, then you’ll find you’re already the best kind of human being 💜

[vitamincoffee]

One of the worst things about any of my trauma is, shockingly, that I can't remember. Of course it's something I'd rather forget.

But it makes other people not believe you. And eventually, leads to you not believing yourself. Questioning your own mind and your own trauma. It also pains me that I cannot illustrate how much that hurts to do.

This seems irrelevant and dumb But, I have seen the first seasons of two and a half men at least 5 times now.

Some episodes 20+ times each. (I don't have cable and it's literally been playing since I was like 10?? Okay don't judge me😂 there's literally nothing else on)

Anyway

Evelyn is the uptight, selfish, mother character The whole show her thing is that she's not the best mother and her children can't get her approval or kindness even if they are temporarily happy in their lives, have a huge career, family, etc. Despite playing the same scenes over and over play in front of me. And an entire episode where Evelyn tried to get her eldest son (Charlie) to explain why he was so angry with her. Until he snaps and explains in great detail why she was not a great mother and a toxic person.

However, still, If you were to ask me

"What did Evelyn do that was bad?/Name an event" or anything of the sort;

I would not be able to name a single thing. I wouldn't be able to repeat any bit of the speech Charlie gives her. I wouldn't be able to remember what she did or said to them as kids. I can identify "she is an unkind person who anyone would prefer not to be around."

But that is all.

And having my whole childhood questioned because I cannot recall certain, exact, events anymore, Even if I do remember them.. is truly fucking awful.

If someone were to begin telling a story I would be able to tell you the end. But I don't know the beginning.

I'm sure there's some sort of actual psychological reasoning for this...

But I swear to God if one more fucking person makes me doubt my trauma from my sociopathic parents because my mind actively avoids it or because of my shit memory

Idk... There's no end to this...

Just stop

Please

[motsimages]

I am seeing why all the youngsters in my dashboard think they are single and guys, you have to work on your self-esteem.

DO NOT, for a moment, THINK that people do not like you or do not want to be with you because you are ugly or weird or difficult or whatever. That is NOT the reason why you are single.

There are many reasons to be single. Whether you know it or not, when you are not ready to be with someone, when you are busy with something else, when you are working out through some of your things, etc. it all permeates and your self-preservation makes it so that you push people away unknowingly. It doesn't mean you are mean to them, it doesn't mean you hurt them. It means people can feel you are busy with something else and can't/won't put the effort required for a relationship in that moment.

This can be forever or not. You can be aware of it or not. But that is the main reason why people are single. They either actively want to be single and are aware of how they show it, or they aren't aware and still show it.

I have been single most of my life. When I finally got a boyfriend it took me a looong while to see myself as "not single". When I was a child I imagined myself with kids but never with a partner. I take care of my friends and lovers, but I couldn't find a boyfriend, for many years I knew I didn't want one, but also it wasn't a thing I would think about.

When I started wanting a boyfriend, I realised why I wasn't having one. I was too busy being independent and travelling and working about myself and making my own plans. And I am a woman which makes it slightly harder to find a partner who will adapt (traditionally speaking women should be the ones following men). I had to understand the way I behaved, where were my priorities, etc. to make space to be able to either find a boyfriend or not care if I didn't find one. It didn't take long after that, I found a boyfriend who likes and accepts my independence.

There is something that you think that makes you unlikeable (in my case, my independence), but it is rarely the case that it makes you undesirable. People find partners in the most difficult and weird ways, they accept the most hard and draining things you could think of. Yes, maybe you have a condition or a character that makes it extra difficult but when the time comes, if you accept it yourself and embrace it, so will somebody else.

In the meantime, keep on being nice and kind, help others, treat everyone with respect and take care of yourself. Know yourself. Love yourself. Work on the things you want to change about yourself and accept the things you cannot change.

And remember: having a partner isn't everything in life. You can have other people to care about and they will care about you. It can be fulfilling on your own too. And above all: NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OUT OF DESPAIR. Never be in a relationship just because it's there, it could be worse, nobody else will, I'm old enough I should have a partner... NO. You either want the relationship and love the person (and they love and respect you back) or you get the hell out of there. Even if it's not toxic or unkind, it will be draining and destroy a friendship.

Tell the truth.

Why are y'all single?

[delilahswritings-blog]

All About Love by Bell Hooks

            What is love anyway? Is it some sort of infatuation feeling of an opposite person or an attraction of HOW someone may make you feel when you are around them? The definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection or a great interest and pleasure in something else. Some of us (definitely in the black household upbringing) have been in situations where “tough love” was displayed as a sort of affection. You’ve probably heard “Hurting you hurts me” or “I whoop you because I love you” which is really utter bs because if hurting me hurts you then why are you hurting yourself? Bell Hooks says, “To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients-care, affection, recognition, respect, and communication.” Hooks describes love not only in sense of fondness of romantic, but she describes love in all aspects such as political, spirituality, mutuality, community, and etc.

           At the beginning of her renowned best seller, Hooks mentions clarity. Clarity is just another form of transparency. “Love is as love does. Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” In order to truly give love, you have to be as open to it as possible. But some people give love with an armor of defensiveness up to not only protect their energy but to make sure that they aren’t the first ones to get hurt. Trust and believe everyone gets hurt and does the hurting. “Everywhere we are learning that love is important, and yet are bombarded by its failures.” Does every failure of love dig us into a deeper hole of lovelessness, or therefore, the lack of desiring to love anymore? She insinuates “Men theorize about love, but women are more often love’s practitioners” meaning more so majority of men are born to think of capitalism, whereas the women are supposed to think more domestically. Can men not be practitioners of love as well as being in capitalism?

Our childhood plays a huge part in how we grow up to love as well. She brings to our attention that “many men never recover from childhood unkindness. Studies shows that males and females who are violently humiliated and abused repeatedly, with no caring intervention, are likely to be dysfunctional and will be predisposed to abuse others violently.” which in cause results in toxic relationships and friendships. “many men confess that they lie because they can ger away with it; their lives are forgiven. To understand why male lying is more accepted in our lives we have to understand the way in which power and privilege are accorded men simply because they are males within a patriarchal culture.

Men tend to be taught from an early age that “they should not cry or express hurt, feelings of loneliness, or pain, that they must be tough, they are learning how to mask true feelings. Even boys raised in the most progressive, loving households, where parents encourage them to express emotions, learn a different understanding about masculinity and feelings on the playground, in the classroom, playing sports, or watching television.” Now this isn’t a “male bashing” segment where I point out all the flaws of the male species because some women tend to be emotionally unavailable as well but how many times have you came across a man that was just simply not ready and more so focused on providing longevity for his family? 3 out of every 4 guys that you meet right? Now this is where things get interesting. Hooks says “Early on in the feminist movement, women insisted that men had the upper hand, because they usually controlled the finances. Now, even the wealthiest professional woman can be “brought down” by being in the relationship where she longs to be loved and is consistently lied to. To the degree that she trusts her male companion, lying and other forms of betrayal will most likely shatter her self-confidence and self-esteem” meaning that once she feels as though transparency is one-sided in the relationship, she tends to be hard on herself and thinking that maybe she is the one to blame for his actions when really…..it’s just how he grew up and how he’s programmed.

Hooks also speaks on love from a friendship aspect. Let’s be completely honest. A lot of us females don’t truly know how to be friends. Not saying this in a bad way but this is me saying……OWN UP TO YOUR SHIT! We tend to be so heinous towards each other and when someone tends to point out the flaw in said relationship, that’s when the shatter begins. A healthy relationship or friendship has accountability and healthy communication skills which some of us tend to lack. Does that make you any less of a person? Absolutely not but it does signify that you might have some shitty ways and possibly need to work on them.

In this modern day and age, a lot of people have become succumb to spirituality vs a specific religion. Yes, some of us may believe in higher being (Christ, Allah, Jesus, etc.) but we’re not forcing ourselves to be stuck to just one religion. Hooks speaks on the divine spirit and “religious fundamentalism is often represented as authentic spiritual practice and given a level of mass media exposure that countercultural religious thought and practice never receive.” Love is something that is felt from the spirit. “Spirituality and spiritual life give us the strength to love. It is rare for individuals to choose a life in the spirit, one that honors the sacred dimensions of everyday life when they have had no contact with traditional religious thought or practice.” Hooks speaks about love in a spiritual sense, sort of like in a Christ like manner. We all tend to be Christ-like at the end of the day, but even He became angry in some sort of fashion. It’s okay to be angry but don’t let it consume you to the point where you walk around with a chip on your shoulder.

We are own worst critics. Especially with social media being so prominent, the world tends to compare to physical, social status, financial freedom, and overall lifestyle living. “Self-acceptance is hard for many of us. There is a voice that is constantly judging, first ourselves and then others.” We don’t tend to be accepting of ourselves because we’re so worried about what someone else is doing or what we may have heard from someone else. “The more we accept ourselves, the better prepared we are to take responsibility in all areas of our lives. Taking responsibility does not mean that we deny the reality of institutionalized injustice. Taking responsibility means that in the face of barriers we still have the capacity to invent our lives, to shape our destinies in ways that maximize our well-being.” She says that self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. In order to love out loud and give others love, we must first learn to love ourselves.

           There’s so much information to dissect from this book that honestly, this article would be 10 pages long, but I think I’ve covered the basics. It’s okay to love because we would want somebody to show us love as well but also remember that love has boundaries. Healthy boundaries to the point that we cannot be drained when we do decide to give love. Love is neither rushed or easy especially unconditional love. Most of us are hurting to the point where we can’t even trust anyone to love and feel as though everybody is out to get us. The more you retract your energy from certain people and certain crowds, the more you tend to become more powerful in your own self-love. Love yourself as you would love your neighbors.

[avasscarycozypinkblog]

1/10/20

Full moon day! I am trying to let myself feel sad about Ben, which I have not been doing a good job of this week. The Pattern says that I heal through having jarring experiences in my relationships, and I’ve definitely found that to be true. I’ve been thinking about trauma bonding a lot, about the people we choose to love and attach to. Emotional safety and care and affection and love are things I did not learn or feel as an infant, for reasons that were beyond anyone’s control. So I’m having to learn it all from scratch, and I guess that process involves sometimes choosing the wrong people. Remembering that helps me be more compassionate toward my process and for landing in emotional situations that make me feel hurt. I know a lot of others are also learning some things from scratch, and I can be compassionate toward that too. I’m really proud of myself for the way my ecosystem of relationships has evolved since I got to college; it’s involved unchoosing people who for whatever reason made me feel unloved or unseen and choosing new people who are effusive and supportive and vulnerable. I feel so much more safe and loved and abundant than I did sophomore year. I read somewhere that when you’re giving birth to your truest self (which is scary), the people you keep around you are like you’re doulas, and can help make that inevitable process much easier. I’m learning to stretch what I believe is possible for myself in terms of feeling emotionally safe and fulfilled. And I can trust that closed doors or rejections are just guiding me towards that. I’m really grateful for my ability to always be connecting to new people, being open in my heart to explore and figure things out.

On the other hand, I’m thinking a lot about integration and acceptance, especially regarding Ben. I really believe/feel like the people around you are reflections of parts of yourself, and if that’s true then Ben is the tiny part of me that’s closed off and terrified of intimacy and doesn’t know what its doing, and I’m the small part of Ben that values growth and intimacy and is very critical and unaccepting of any inability to do so. I identify as so brave and growth oriented because it helps me feel safe for myself, and so I tend to reject the parts of me that physically cannot keep up: my heart when it gets numb, my pelvis when it closes up, etc. Sometimes I’m very unkind to those parts. What I don’t understand is, if I’m rejecting other people because they don’t make me feel emotionally safe, isn’t that also rejecting those parts in myself? How do I work towards growth and still unconditionally love and accept the parts of me that are too scared, that won’t change fast enough? I’m really seeing the parallels between the way I refuse to accept Ben and the way I refuse to accept the scared and closed-up parts of my own heart. I have very low tolerance disappointing or betraying myself, which is helpful in that it spurs a lot of growth but hurtful in that it means I struggle with self-acceptance sometimes, and it also means I have a very low tolerance for being disappointed or betrayed by other people (helpful because it protects me from being trapped in toxic relationships and hurtful because it means I shut people out very quickly).

I’m also thinking of Ian, and how I made a choice (that feels right to me) to tell him to stay away from me. Ian clearly is learning respect from scratch, he never didn’t how to respect and empathize with women’s bodies or with his own probably. And neither did I. I think I did the right thing because I showed him the consequences of his actions on my body without villainizing him, which I’m hoping will motivate him to heal whatever part of himself made him do that. Maybe that’s the approach I need to take with people and parts of myself, to be transparent about how their actions and fears impact me and hold them accountable for that without blaming. I just don’t know what that means about what place I want Ben to have in my life. I mostly just want to give more attention to these closed up parts of me, which I push too hard sometimes. I change very quickly and dramatically but it’s impossible to just become perfectly loving and open and centered overnight, and focusing too hard on that goal leads to withholding love and acceptance from the parts of you that need it the most.

[amazingsubahu]

How to live a healthy and disease free life - II

How to live a healthy and disease free life - II

Hello, friends, As I have discussed and described my experimentation and results I have got due to my exploration and experiments in quest of healthy and happy living in my previous post How to live a healthy and disease free life – I. The concluding part of the post is here to make you more aware and informed about your own health, body, and mind.  Our Life is a journey to explore, experiment, experience, learn and correct our mistakes As I have mentioned in my previous post and analysis I have done about my health status, through various health checkups in the last three years. We can always learn from our mistakes and of others and grow better always.  I have spent About INR 70,000.00 just to ensure what is going inside my body, and what is the health status of all my internal organs and health-related different measures and parameters concerned to them.  I don’t have any health problem from then to now, or before in the last 37 years. (Excluding a few events mentioned in this real and interesting story ahead). But through my diagnostic reports and checkups, I have discovered many shocking facts about my own body and nutrients level and some other factors.   

You must know the status of your health, get health checkups of your body You cannot know about your inner body status and the condition of your internal vital organs from outside. Your lives major health issues depend on these status and specific conditions. And you can learn it only by taking regular health checkups, there is no other way to know it. I was always so conscious and alert about my health (excluding few events and activities I have done in my life due to my ignorance and unawareness towards their impact on my body and mind in long run) and did every possible thing to keep me alive, healthy and fit. Everyone makes mistakes so I have made a lot earlier as well and I have paid for it well, but awaken early and changed my attitudes and habits timely, so I am safe and sound now. Consciousness is the key to live healthy and happy always You can overcome from any of your habits and wrongs you have done to yourself under any influence, associations if you are conscious and aware of it. You can change anything in your life, If you take care of it timely, sincerely and very honestly. It takes a lot of time and patience to recover, and sometimes it has left some signs and impact of it on your body and mind, which stays longer with you, don’t worry just carry on ahead and do not do it again.   It is a very strange phenomenon that you may be conscious and unconscious both at once, regarding many things about yourselves and people, facts and truths in your life and environment. You can see it through this example – people are so much affectionate and caring about their own pets, i.e. dogs, cats, birds but at the same time they are killing and eating other animals, like pork, cow, goats, sheep, cocks, turkey,  buffaloes and all kind of others and sea animals. This is the proof and truth about all of us, you are aware and conscious of some things and a lot unaware and unconscious about a lot of things at the same time.

It’s strange that you are kind and human to someone and some things and unkind and utterly inhumane to many others at the same time due to your unconsciousness and blindness towards other things and matters.   The difference between a miserable person and a blissful wise man is the degree of awareness and level of consciousness they have. It makes someone Buddha and someone the ugliest beast on this earth, what would you like to be, the choice is always yours. Our pattern of conscious living and thinking is the cause of all the blissful and healthy state of our body and mind and its absence creates pain and suffering in our life. The purpose of life is to become more sincere, aware and conscious about yourselves and everything connected to you in your life and environment.  The Events in My life I have Taken Health treatments in the last 37 years In last 37 years of my life, I never visited doctors or taken any medicines for any sickness, excluding a few incidents, they are as -  7 years ago I had an operation for my appendicitis removal, it was sudden, and unexpectedly happened. Another event was, I went to an eye specialist due to my eyesight degeneration, it has been caused by due to my age and more to my extensive exposure to computer screens for very long hours, I have been working with computers for last 23 years at least 8 hours a day. Last was, I went to a dentist to remove one of my rotten teeth at the same year, it was happened due to my habit of chewing betel leaves (people of India know what it is) from childhood and smoking for last many years.

Unhealthy habits and routines cause all kind of diseases and harms to your body mind  These are the only events in my life when I went to get any treatment or medicines for my health problems. All these events happened in my life due to some of my unhealthy habits and unconscious lifestyle in that period of my life. Other minor cough and colds I have managed through my kitchens spices and herbs. My early graying of hairs was caused by my habit of smoking for long years and eating nutrient deficient foods. It has happened due to that I have been living for more than the last 20 years alone and away from my home. It caused me this problem, you are not getting sufficiently nutritional food outside as you are eating when you are at home and cooked by your mothers, sisters, and wives. It was the reason I have some nutrient deficiencies in my test reports taken in the last 3 years. You are getting wholesome food at your homes, the traditional natural food prepared at your home is best for your health. Here, I am talking about homes where healthy and nutritional cooking and eating is the priority in serving dishes to all the family members and the guests. My mother is the best cook, you can read about it here.

What you have to keep in mind before eating or buying junk? We all have habits of eating outside, at the restaurants, fast food junctions, from street side spicy food vendors. One thing you must remember that the food you eat outside is highly processed, not fresh most of the time and not hygienic and nutritious. Most of the times it is highly toxic and without any nutritional value, due to high processing and heating and frying many times, it turns them dead and nutritionless as pure junk. You must search, inquire by yourselves on Google or check food packets before buying anything you eat or serving it to your family and friends. You must check before to eat drink and consume any food products and other food ingredients purchased from the market or online. You must not consume them without knowing about their good and bad effects on your health, body, and mind, why you would buy diseases and health problems by paying for unhealthy and junk foods. If you are doing it knowingly and willingly, then you need serious psychic and medical treatment.  You must not consume them at any cost if they are unhealthy and containing or made from material and ingredients, which made them toxic and harmful for your consumption. You must not be the slaves of your taste buds, it will lead you towards very serious health problems and deadly incurable diseases.

Your ignorance and negligence cost you a lot in the long run It is unfortunate and sad that people of the world know everything about all the harmful packaged, branded and processed foods, drinks available in the market. They are consuming it blindly, unconsciously and paying thousands of bucks on health treatments, drugs, and hospitals after getting sick from their consumption. I feel very strange by seeing how idiot and blind people are? They are purchasing diseases and all kind of physical and mental problems by eating an enormous amount of junk and making themselves slave of their taste buds and suffer a lot in an unimaginable way.

Food Manufacturers and Vendors Selling it for their Profits, not for your health The hotel, Restaurants and food vendors not caring about your health and nutrition level of the foods they are selling. Their ultimate motive is to sell as much they can and how can they make you visit more and more to consume the rubbish they are selling in the name of the delicious food, to make more profits. It is true in the case of 95% of them, especially with so-called big brands. They are glamorizing their foods with attractive commercials and to make people addict to consume more their highly toxic and processed food, drinks. They are using utterly harmful chemicals and ingredients which seduce you and make you slave of their products. Foods sold by International Food Chains and Junk Food Parlors is highly toxic and dangerous for health.  The internet is filled with the medical experts report on all the multinational brands and products they sell, the process, the ingredients they are using to make these so-called famous foods. They are exposed, their conspiracy of making people addicted to their products. They are selling the worst things to the ignorant blind people who are slaves of their taste buds and ignoring the truth about these companies, sick and criminal agenda.  These foods and drinks are responsible for so many horrible and most critical physical and mental disorders to the kids, youngsters, and people of all age group. They are playing with innocent people lives to make more profits. They are using chemical, colors, pesticides, preservatives and other additives to make it more attractive, tasty and to increase their shelf life. And people are so idiot and blind, they are going these food chains and consuming most harmful things sold in fancy names.   All your Junk foods, cold drinks, (Pizza, Burger, Hot dogs, fries, shakes, pies, cakes etc. most of the packaged and processed foods, juices, carbonated beverages, and so-called healthy drinks) are highly toxic and have nothing good in them from the nutritional and health point of view.

What you need to Do in this regard and what I am doing? You must prefer to eat organic, natural, unprocessed healthy and nutritional foods, as nuts, dry fruits, and fruits, sprouts, unpacked fresh juices, and homemade dishes prepared by you, or your mothers, sisters, and wives. Eat fermented foods like Dosa-Idli, Dhokla, and healthy foods like Upma, oatmeal. And it is normal for your ladies at homes, they cook very healthy and tasty traditional food at home, with taste and health. Now I have learned a lot and making my meals full of nutrients and nourishing. I have taken care as much I can of myself, I avoided eating outside, as much I can, I never liked eating deep fried foods, snacks, and any kind of junk and stupid unhealthy cold drinks(Cola, Pepsi and other popular among stupid youngsters and all age people). I have eaten veg pizza 2 times, veg burger 3 times, and cold drinks a few more times in the last 37 years. I always preferred to eat at home, even when I went to any party, I went there after eating food at home. Ha ha ha ha, my mother always feels very strange and laughed louder due to my habits and activities.  I am cooking for myself for the last 7 years. And try to get all nutrients and essential elements I can include in my daily diet, I am vegan for the last 4 years and vegetarian throughout my life. I am not consuming white sugar for last 4 years, replaced it with organic jaggery(Gud), I was eating it only with my green teas, organic coffee, I do not eat sweets of any kind excluding jaggery and organic honey with my hot drinks. I have not eaten anything outside in the last three and a half years and even before I ate rarely outside., I always preferred to eat at home and good food. I drink only RO/purified water, I increased the intake of green vegetables, fruits, and nuts in my daily diet. For the last 42 months, my daily food costs me around 15000-20000/PM, I will tell you in detail in my other post. It is always better to spend on good food and healthy habits than hospital bills, expensive medicines, and health treatments. I never want to live on medicines and visit hospitals. Do good to yourself. 

How can you prevent you from these threats? Diseases and sickness not formed in one day in your body and mind, they took a long course as per immunity and strength and resistance your body and mind have against all the diseases. But their symptoms and indications may be visible and you get hints from time to time from your body and organs. If you are aware and conscious of these signals and symptoms appearing and surfacing on your body and mind. You can do something to prevent and cure and save yourselves from deadly diseases and potential physical, mental financial damages or loss of life in a very unfortunate way. From the last 3 and half years, I have changed my total eating, living habits, associations and job I was doing. I eat only certified organic foods (grains, oils, nuts, spices) as much as possible as per availability in my city, or I am buying them online. Fruits and vegetables are not available organic in my city, but I prefer to buy them from local farmers who do not use much chemicals and pesticides to produce them. Do exercises, eat only as you need to live healthy and energetic. Eat only nutritious and healthy food, fresh and light. 

How do you know about your Healthy or Disease status? First, this is to take routine health checkups half-yearly, monthly, annually as per your health status and requirement. I have taken health check-up of 70000 INR in the last 3 years from India’s top Pathology and health diagnostics lab, like Thyrocare, Dr. Lal Pathlabs, and Metropolis, look what is available near you. You can book tests online; most of the good Diagnostic Labs have their collections centers and franchise in all 2 and 3 tier cities also. You can get information about them from their website or can know it by calling them to their toll-free numbers.   What can the right food bring to your life and health status? We are made of what we are eating all the time, from cradle to grave. Our food constructs and constitutes all our emotions, thoughts, activities and intentions. So it is the most important thing in our life that what we are eating all the time. Our wisest ancestors, Sages and Enlightened masters taught us to eat better and pure to live and attain a higher level of consciousness and blissful experience of higher planes of our existence. There is one oldest saying in this regard “JAISA KHAVE ANNA, WAISA HOVE MAN” (It includes everything you consume in form of food, thoughts, and information) it means, WHAT YOU FED TO YOURSELF, CREATES YOUR REALITY. They have segmented it into the three categories as SATVIK, RAJASIK, and TAMASIK, and highly insisted that the quality and quantity of food create your reality and level of experiences you can have in your life. Whatever you eat and consume in the form of food, thought and information creates your reality. Your body and mind, are the output of what you fed to yourselves all the time. So be aware and conscious about it, if you consume junk and rubbish, you will be that as a result of it. All your junk comes in the category of TAMASIK, it creates, addiction, lethargy, laziness, obesity, and sickness.

I prefer to eat 75% SATVIK and 25% RAJASIK foods to keep me alert, wise, active and free from the impact of TAMASIK foods,  mindsets and activities. I purchased all the food, grains, spices online from many online stores and other organic foods manufacturers and suppliers. One of my friend from Bhilai has opened an organic food store at Raipur and Bhilai, if you live here in these two cities, you can buy it from them, The Need Organic Store. And this has changed my perception and living pattern, way to see things and I have started working in a totally new area of Blogging about conscious and healthy living and Web Designing. Food has a magical contribution to your physical and mental health and growing consciously, spiritually. Our sages and spiritual masters highly recommended different kinds of foods to create a different level of consciousness and life experiences. They have recommended and prescribed a different variety of foods for the people of different level of mental and physical and spiritual activities and it has a very developed science in ancient times. You can also see its implications by applying and eating a different kind of foods and their impact on your body-mind and spiritual growth and level of consciousness.  Maybe you are looking and showing from outside good, without knowing what you are doing to yourselves and your precious body-mind by pouring all kind of shit on it round the clock, check this out.  Live consciously and stay Healthy, Happy and Blessed. Amazingsubahu For more information and the concluding part of my experiments and results I have produced in the last 36 years please read the How to live a healthy and disease free life - III Read the full article

[davidamosley]

On Toxic Positivity

  As I've seen tremendous growth on Instagram over the past few years (which I'm certainly not complaining about!), I've also seen a rise in angry, unkind, and negative comments. This is to be expected, but when you've been doing this for a decade and are only now facing resistance, it's admittedly a bit of an odd feeling. It's new. And it's not great. 

Coupled with this strange, new feeling is the notion that, because my brand is all about being positive (a word that clearly has a variety of meanings for people, which we'll get into in a bit), I'm expected to behave in a certain way. Anything response I give that's not 100% cheerful, positive, uplifting, or agreeable is almost always followed by some version of, "well, that's not very positive of you!" 

The more I receive that kind of response, the more I realize people don't fully understand what I mean when I'm talking about positivity. And more and more, I'm receiving comments not only about my responses not being positive, but also about my content promoting what's known as "toxic positivity." 

Last week, I posted the image seen above on Instagram, and received a surprising number of comments related to toxic positivity, such as... 

"You seem like one of those people who tell people with actual depression, anxiety, insomnia, and other mental health issues that they should just think differently and it will go away."

"I'm really happy for you if a positive mindset brings you further in life, but don't erase the voice of those who don't follow your path."

"Positive thoughts backed by negative emotions is just negativity with a bow on it."

"Positivity can be toxic. If you are hoping for the best, you will be let down when the worst happens."

"Positivity doesn't work because it doesn't deal with the actual problem."

  If you haven't heard of toxic positivity before, it's the idea that suggesting people be only positive, happy, and cheerful causes more harm than good. I agree with that. That's why you'll never see me post "good vibes only" or "if you want to be happy, be." Happiness isn't my goal in life — and it shouldn't be yours either. Happiness is great, but it's an emotion and, depending on your genetic makeup and your current situation, it might impossible to achieve. Positivity, on the other hand is a mindset, and one that can be chosen at almost any time. I've written about the differences between happiness and positivity before in "Happiness vs. Positivity: What's the Difference?" but I thought I'd take some time this week to address my understanding positivity in relation to the concept of toxic positivity. 

  Toxic positivity is referring to happiness (it should really be called "toxic happiness"); positivity and happiness are very different. As discussed in detail in the article referenced above, there's a big difference between happiness and positivity. Happiness is an emotion. Positivity is a mindset. Chasing happiness can be problematic (and often leads to unhappiness because, great as happiness is, it's a temporary emotional state and does not last). Pursuing positivity is not problematic because it is a mindset, not an emotion, and it can typically be accessed no matter what your emotional state might be. You cannot always be happy. You can almost always be positive. 

Toxic positivity encourages ignoring negative emotions, but true positivity is not about avoiding, glossing over, or repressing emotions (positive or negative). A positive mindset is about accepting all emotions and doing whatever possible to work through them, understand them, and garner more self-awareness. I, personally, am often very unhappy, anxious, stressed, etc., but I do my best to take what I've learned over the past decade of working on being more optimistic to stay positive. The words "be positive!" don't mean avoid bad feelings. It means do what you can with what you have to make the best of the situation (or at least don't make it worse). 

Toxic positivity presents itself as something anyone can do at any time, but positivity is a mindset that doesn't often come easily and must be worked at for most people. Though it is certainly very difficult at times, choosing a positive perspective is possible most of the time for most people. Happiness, however, is not accessible just because you want it. If something horrible has happened to you, you can't just be happy. You can, more often than not, be positive. Certainly there are situations (such as extreme depressive states or in the midst of a panic attack) when optimism does not feel like an option (it can be so difficult at times or the brain might be wired in such a way that it feels impossible), but, more often than not, positivity is possible in a way that happiness might not be. However, it does take work and practice to know how to find optimistic outlooks in difficult times. For a lot of people (and especially for me!), a positive mindset doesn't come easily and it requires a lot of work to develop it.  

Toxic positivity embraces a fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude, but positivity isn't about putting on a fake smile or feigning cheer. Smiling, acting cheerful, etc. are all about the emotion of happiness. Pretending you are feeling good when you're miserable is not what positivity is about. It's important to remember that you can work on positivity; it's a skill. Happiness is an emotion. Yes, sometimes you can find ways to access it (like doing things or being around people who make you feel happier), but you can't force it. You can present outwardly that you're happy, but deep down, you can't make yourself happy if you're not. You can, with practice and the right mental toolkit, find ways to be optimistic. Which leads me to the last (and perhaps most important point)...

Toxic positivity aims for good vibes at all times; positivity won't necessarily make you happy. If you are going through a difficult time, if you are dealing with depression, if you have intense anxiety and it's been triggered, being positive isn't going to make you happy. The thing about positivity is: it doesn't necessarily make things better; it just doesn't make them worse. Positivity is not the same as happiness and it will not necessarily make you happy. Positivity isn't a cure for your emotional state; it's a mindset to adopt when life is difficult (and also when it's great). It will not change the world around you; it will only impact the way you see it. 

  Toxic positivity should actually be called toxic happiness because the "just be happy!" attitude has nothing to do with maintaining an optimistic outlook. Positivity is about assessing the situation, understanding your feelings, looking to see if there's anything you can do to make the situation better, and, if there's not, doing what you can do make the most of whatever the situation is. It's not about pretending. And it's definitely not about happiness. 

When people come by this page or follow me on Instagram, they see the bright colors and the cute illustrations and assume that I'm a happy, cheerful, life-loving person without a care in the world. The truth is: I'm just a normal person. I'm someone who has had anxiety my entire life. I've been depressed (not just sad, but actually depressed). I've had some really bad things happen to me. For the past decade, I've been working on living more positively in the present, and I still have highs and lows just like everyone else. I'm happy sometimes, sure, but I certainly wouldn't classify that as one of my top emotional states. And, as long as I can keep being positive and doing my best to live in the present, I'm okay with that. 

  A Note about Optimism on Instagram

Writing the article above got me thinking about how my content is perceived on Instagram, so here are a few thoughts on that...

I spend a lot of time creating my posts for Instagram. This isn't just me doodling for a bit and then posting. When creating the post referenced above, I thought very carefully about the words I chose to use. I specifically did not use "depressed," for example, because, while it is possible to be depressed and positive, it is often so challenging that it feels impossible. Likewise, I chose the word "can" because it means that it's an option. If you're sad, you can be positive, but you don't have to be. Also, the notion that you can be two things at once is the core message of that illustration. Our emotional states are often very complex, and we should allow ourselves the freedom to feel multiple things at the same time. 

When I'm creating something that's based entirely on my own ideas (not a quote someone else said), a great deal of time goes into really thinking about whether the words I'm writing are true. I'm incredibly analytical by nature, so when I've posted something (especially on Instagram), I've typically spent a lot of time reflecting on how it might be perceived. I do my best to look at it from a number of points of view and assess if it might be misconstrued or misunderstood. It might just look like cute little drawings to the average viewer, but a lot of thought goes into the words and images I choose.

That being said, I'm also creating things that I need to see, writing words that speak to what I'm struggling with in that moment. Though the Positively Present brand has grown over the years, is still me, Dani, trying my best to cope with my own negative, anxious, and melancholic mind. What is true for me might not be true for everyone else. I'm not a doctor, a therapist, or a guru. I'm not psychologist, authority figure, or philosopher. I'm a creator, sharing my experiences with the world.

So, whether it's something on my Instagram account or something you've seen elsewhere online, I'd urge you think critically and with an open mind before making judgments or remarks about the content. What you see might not speak to you, but it might be true and useful for someone else (and, in the example of this particular post, I know it resonated with a lot of people). When it comes to the content you see on my page or pages like mind, keep an open mind. Take what works for you, and understand that not everything will. And know that, at least in my case, I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I post. It might look pretty and light-hearted, but behind every post there's a lot of time spent thinking, analyzing, and carefully choosing words that I hope will help people (and me!) get better at living more positively in the present — regardless of whether or not we're currently happy. 

[absynthe--minded]

What I think needs to be said

Dear absynthe–minded,

I’ve been following you since you declared you would make a new dress in reaction to the 2017 Beauty and the Beast movie, which I think is an admirable project.

In response to the recent controversy, I would like to make several points.

Point One:  Why the costuming in the new movie is a big deal, and why people should care about it

I’ve got no clue about fashion and periodic clothing, but even I can see that the costuming in this movie was done badly, and with barely any regard to social norms and fashions at the time; and more importantly without any apparent respect to the actual costume designer. I’ve looked up Jacqueline Durran’s work and it’s absolutely incredible, I am absolutely in love - I never realised that she was responsible for the amazing costumes in Pride and Prejudice and Anna Karenina.

It is fairly obvious that if she had any input or advice for the costumes in Beauty and the Beast, it was disregarded. So I do not understand how those anons can hear about this and say, “Why do you care about this, it’s got nothing to do with you, get over yourself,” etc.

Because costume design is Durran’s life. It is a job she takes obviously takes pride in. She is internationally renowned in her field and winner of numerous awards, among them an Academy Award for her work on Anna Karenina. And it is not just job, it is art. As an artist myself, I know that when you make art, a bit your heart and soul goes into every piece you make.

And I love and admire Emma Watson, I really do. But taking control of an artist’s work the way she did is Not Okay for so many reasons.

The general opinion seems to be that Watson’s goal was to make this movie more feminist, and to have her costumes reflect that. But this raises the question - how is it okay from any feminist standpoint to walk all over a fully capable woman’s work? How is it okay to take a woman’s art - her job, her life - and decide that it is not good enough?

I’m not sure that that is what actually happened, but this certainly sounds as if Durran - even though she doesn’t act offended by this, so there is an unlikely chance that she was okay with it - had a plan, and Watson stamped her own opinions on those without fully understanding the intricacies of periodic clothing and the importance of fashion actually had in that period of time, never mind her lack of experience in costume design. If she had been an expert in the field, it would have been different. But she is not, she is an actress, and so she comes across as a woman who appropriated another’s work and forced her stamp on it.

So I fully understand your outrage. It is even more personal for you because this might be your future. Your work that you love and take pride in might be taken and twisted to suit someone’s opinions, and be used in a fashion that offends you personally.

(Such as wearing a dress and hiking up the for the sole purpose of revealing the bloomers worn as underwear. Honestly. No.)

Point Two: Why the changes to Belle’s characters are such a big deal

Again, People have been questioning in varying levels of politeness if you are justified in being revolted to the point of tears by the new movie.

The answer is: You are. You definitely are.

For one, and this should be a no-brainer, you have the right to have opinions, and you have the right to defend those so long as you don’t force them on anyone, which I don’t think you have done at any point unless I misinterpreted or overlooked something.

I am honestly appalled at the awful things some of those anons have been saying, and admire the bravery with which you face their hate - I for one would have a great deal of trouble dealing with that kind of toxicity.

For another, and this is the point that people just don’t seem to understand, so I will spell it out for them.

2017’s Belle is not a new Disney Princess.

“Of course, we know that, it’s a remake, dumbass.”

Yes, of course. The point is this:

The remake of Beauty and the Beast has been advertised heavily as not just that, a remake, but a movie that surpasses the original and adds to it. A movie that brings a modern Belle with it. An improved Belle.

Basically, we are told that the original Belle and her qualities are no longer valid. The New Belle is the improved and better version, a modern woman™, they are telling us that the New Belle is what women should be now. They are telling us that we should replace the Belle we grew up with and loved with the New Belle.

“So what? They’re the same character!”

Sure. They are the same character. But they are not the same person.

This wouldn’t be a problem if the original Belle and the New Belle had the same personality, now would it?  But here’s the thing. They are not.

The original Belle is lovely. She’s graceful, she’s intelligent, she is sweet, kind and selfless. She‘s also soft and she gets scared, and likes pretty things, and she sees the good in people. And she’s misunderstood and an outsider in her own city, people look down on her ideals; she’d like to break free of her life, feeling that there is more for her out there.

New Belle is actually a lot of those things. But the thing is, they are prioritised differently, and it makes her different.  

I’m just going to highlight the most important differences, I’ve only watched the new movie once which isn’t enough to fully analyse a character.

So. Is New Belle graceful? I would say no. Again, she hikes up her skirt and shows off her bloomers, among other things.

Is she sweet? No, not really. She’s confrontational. She had her moments, but it’s just not a defining characteristic.

As for kindness and selflessness - she was those things, but it wasn’t as pronounced as the original Belle. In portraying Belle as a strong female character, she was made more grab-the-bull-by-the-horns and less accepting.

And this New Belle doesn’t value pretty things as much. Or material things, period. She’s less soft, and more importantly, I got the feeling that she was jaded towards people - hence she was confrontational. She didn’t believe in the good of people as much. Actually, she seemed to look down on them.

I’m not saying that New Belle is a bad character per se - but she is very much different, and again, we are encouraged to look at her as better. As stronger.

Now here’s the thing that makes all of this so important.

Original Belle isn’t weak. She is strong and brave, precisely because she is kind. Because there’s incredible strength in kindness. To go out every day and be praised only for your looks and ridiculed for who you are, for your ideals, for your intelligence, for what makes you you, and still be able to smile at people and be kind to them. Original Belle never rolled her eyes. She never sighed in aggravation, she didn’t do sass. She went on with her life and stayed kind even when others were unkind towards her.

And New Belle doesn’t have that quality and she’s portrayed as strong because of it. This is the real problem. The 2017 movie tells us a woman is strong when she’s talking back and wearing bloomers, when she refuses to wear corsets, when she confronts others, when she fights. And - and this is a pretty important point actually - it tells us this vehemently. The strong™ Belle moments are all emphasised in some way (like the costumes, as you’ve pointed out), we basically get the feminist messages shoved in our faces. The movie doesn’t give us a subtle message to consider and think about at home. No, we are told a point and we are told to accept it, and fast. At least, that is the impression I got from it, and I found it uncomfortable.

The original movie doesn’t tell us about how a woman needs to be. It’s not about feminist propaganda. It tells us a story in which the heroine is kind and stays that way, and makes the best out of a bad situation in a quiet and gentle way. She’s gentle and peaceful, and that is okay. It has a love story in which one learns to look past the other’s terrible looks and sees the good within, and the other falls in love because of the qualities others laughed at her for. To me, The Beauty and the Beast is a story of acceptance.

Again, I’m not saying that New Belle is bad.

But in replacing Original Belle with New Belle and told that the latter is better and modern, we are told that the original Belle’s in this world are outdated. A thing of the past. That we should change to be like New Belle. That we aren’t enough anymore.

So this isn’t actually just a little problem. Because maybe 9 out of 10 people don’t see it that way, but the tenth? The one who grew up wanting to be just like Belle, who had posters of her all over their bedroom, who felt this Belle was their friend who would love them if they were real, who felt encouraged every time they watched the movie?

To them, seeing the new Belle will be disappointed at best, and devastated at worst. It’s like seeing a beloved friend pushed into the shadows for the louder and shinier twin sister, and not being able to do anything.

And what makes this even sadder, there will now be children who’ll grow up never knowing the original Belle.

I don’t know about you, but I think that prospect sounds really lonely.

So I hope that some people will now better understand the significance of this controversy. Absynthe–minded, I fully support you, and I wish you courage. Please know that you’re opinions are valid, you are valid, and what you do gives courage to a lot of people out there.

Thank you for being you.

okay like

this is the nicest thing anybody has said to me about this project? And also just... thank you. For understanding, and for Getting It. Thank you so much.

[khedmedarcue-blog]

Dating a borderline personality disorder man

Top 10 Signs That You're Dating a Borderline Personality To be honest, I am a human being, she need me to be perfect, strong, dun have fear, and I cannot even cry! While love addiction is not medically diagnosable, addictive behavior is difficult to live with.  He tells people he wants me and loves me, but his actions do not reflect that.  You do learn a lot about yourself! Insecure women love the fake alpha male.  Alyssa February 4, 2013 at 3:06 pm Hello,you are just an absolutey wanderful woman to of said what I just read,I have been in a relationship with a woman for 3 years that had the mom problems early in life and all the rest,I tried to save her.  Most guys instead try to fix them and be positive and make them feel better.

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Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear of Abandonment and Dating Rick, How about if she is more negative on herself than anything? My point is to get her back, but for good this time.  Children of bpd parent will grow up to be either bpd or a pushover like most spouses of bpd people.  Because the fault is always yours.  Author: Whitney Easton Whitney is a writer, blogger, and social media enthusiast.  I have been willing to try to work things out.  So you started out the relationship keeping your son a secret from him? I could have written the above.

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