#how much of Dean being empty is a defense mechanism

[t00muchheart]

Okay but remember when famine told dean that he didn’t crave anything because he was empty ?? And then they just didn’t revisit that ?? Because I just have Thoughts (TM) about it, especially in light of Dean claiming earlier in in the episode that it was because he was full

[chucksfavouriteprophet]

It Should Be You (pt2)

The Winchesters x Reader

Part 1 here 

Summary: After a plan goes horrendously wrong, Dean blames you. Distraught and convinced by his words, you turn to some old, toxic coping mechanisms for help. Alone in the bunker, you become out of hand and time is running out for the brothers to stop you.

Warnings: 18+. This one is pretty deep I’m sorry. MAJOR TW for death, suicide, self-harm, addiction, overdose, alcoholism, self-hatred, depression, hospitals etc. Please please please do not read this if you get triggered easily - this is all fiction and doesn’t glamourise anything. If you ever need to talk, my messages are always open.

Word count: 2,384

Tagging requests :) @williamstop @vicmc624 

Dean was still riled up. He was mad at himself for letting everyone down, for letting Maggie down. He was mad at himself for upsetting Y/N - he knew it wasn’t your fault, he just needed to get his anger out.

Once the fire had died down, Sam and Dean headed back to the bunker to grab a beer and try distract themselves. They were met with the blaring of your music, which only pissed Dean off even more. “Give her a break, man” Sam came to your defense. “She’s been through it too. Besides, you can’t talk; you play your music waaaay too loud.” Dean shrugged the comment off, grabbing a beer and heading straight to lock himself away in his cave. Meanwhile Sam, being the mother hen he was, turned the other way towards your room. 

“Y/N?” He knocked on the door gently, before giving it a harder bang to combat the music. “Hey, how you holding up? Can I come in?” The lack of response worried Sam, which escalated once he tried to open the door but found it was locked. “Y/N? Is everything okay? Look, just let me in, we can talk about this”. Nothing. The music changed track, but there was no sign of movement in the room during the short lull between songs. “Okay Y/N, I’m breaking this lock. You’re being ridiculous”. Sam paused for a second to see if you’d finally cave in and open the door. When you didn’t, he threw his full force at it and the lock popped open. 

He rolled his eyes when he saw you sat down the side of the bed, facing away from him, the empty bottles by your side. “You’ve been spending too much time with Dean, Y/N”. He chuckled and shook his head as he walked towards you. “Y/N?” he questioned once again after realising you didn’t react to his dramatic entrance. 

Sam walked round the bed to face you. His face paled and he dropped to his knees as he grabbed your face and shook you. “Y/N, hey, wake up. Wake up.” Nothing. You were slouched over, falling floppy into his arms when he moved you. Vomit was dripping from your chin into a puddle on your lap. Your face was ghostly white, eyes rolled into the back of your head. Panicking, Sam glanced around him and spotted the empty pots of pills. “No no no no.” He reached for a pulse and lay you down in front of him.

“DEAN! DEAN!” His voice cracked slightly, but he hoped his brother could hear. Dean did hear, and shouted back “WHAT?”. Sam’s only response was “DEAN, QUICK!”. Dean heard the panic in his voice and jumped off his bed, turning down the corridor to where he heard Sam’s voice. When he realised it was coming from your room, he slowed and groaned. “Seriously Sam, I don’t want some family interven-” He froze as he reached the doorway and saw the sight before him. 

Sam turned to his brother, tears streaming down his face. “I - I don’t know what to do, Dean. Help me.” 

Dean stumbled forward, collapsing at the sight of your deathly body. “Is she breathing?” It was barely a whisper. “Just” Sam gulped. “Dean, we have to call an ambulance. If she’s overdosed we can’t deal with that.” Sam tried to clear some of the sick out of your mouth to stop you choking while Dean just sat there, staring in shock at you. 

“It should be you up on that pyre.” Had he had done this? Had he had driven you to the depth of darkness, to the point of attempting to take your own life? He could hardly breathe, staring down at your unconscious body. He reached out to stroke your hair, plastered across your forehead with sweat. Your eyes pealed open slightly, looking up at him vacantly. “Y/N?” he knew you couldn’t reply, but he couldn’t help himself. All of a sudden you reared up, your head almost colliding with his. Your eyes rolled back as you gasped for air, coughing it back up at the same time. Your body contorted and seized, lashing out in all different directions. The sound that came out of your mouth, a throaty, gurgling sound, made Dean sob. He desperately glanced at Sam, who was already dialling 911. But the bunker was in the middle of nowhere. It could be hours before they reached them. Dean swallowed the lump in his throat as he scooted underneath you, pulling your convulsing head onto his lap. “Shhhh, it’s alright, I’ve got you. You stay with me, okay, Y/N? Stay with me, god damn.”

“I can’t lose you, Y/N. Please...please...”

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At some point, the swirling neon of colours around you died down and became a dull, muddy vision. You tried to pull yourself out of it, but nothing was working. You couldn’t move your arms - hell, you couldn’t even see them. Your head felt heavy as a wave of nausea washed over you but you were rendered powerless to fight it off. You felt the warm vomit pour over your numb, heavy body with no ability to react. 

At some point, the swirled room took on a face. The face of Sam Winchester, who’s warm hands grabbed your face and shook you. You wanted to fight him off, tell him that you were already boiling and that wasn’t helping. But whatever wirings were going on in your head were far from functioning right, and you weren’t even sure he was actually there. 

At this point, your brain was essentially useless. You had no idea where you were, why you were there, if you even existed. You were completely detached from your body, which was just a hot, sticky pile of flesh now. You could just pick up the muffle of voices; no coherent words, just the buzz of something. You desperately tried to see, but you couldn’t quite figure out how to open you eyes. With all your energy you managed the task, to be met with a glossy green pair staring back at you, filled with panic. More hands shook your shoulders and your head lulled. You groaned, trying with all your might to tell these blurred figures know how uncomfortable you were. Not that it worked - at the exact moment, fire flooded your head and your chest tightened. You begged for a breath, only to choke on your own vomit stuck down your bone dry throat. Your whole body felt like pins-and-needles and your heart echoed in your ears. You tried to scream, feeling the pain tear through your head, your heart, your lungs, your stomach, every organ in your damn body. It felt like you were being turned inside out and flipped upside down. The voices had gone now, replaced by piercing white noise. It hurt less not to bother breathing. The fire filled your brain with an overwhelming roar. You were exhausted, the darkness calling you. At this point, it was just easier to submit. 

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Dean’s worst nightmare had come true. Almost as quick as your body started seizing, it stopped. Everything stopped. Sam was screaming down the phone, begging for help. But this was what Dean needed to shake him from his shocked state - now he had no choice. He fumbled around for a pulse, with no luck. Suddenly he grabbed your body, flinging himself across it and hovering above your chest. He pounded hard, feeling the ribs crack beneath his knuckles but not caring as long as it got your heart going again. Your chest heaved up and down, slamming into the floor. He could hardly look at your face, it seemed so lifeless already. “Sammy how long?!” He demanded through gritted teeth. “They’re close Dean, they’re close. We have to get her upstairs.” Dean growled. “No Sam. I can’t stop. If I stop, she dies. I can’t stop.” He kept pounding, praying for you to come back, just to take one breath. 

Then suddenly he remembered. “Sam, where the hell is that damn nephilim?” Jack had been there just an hour ago, helping them with the pyre. And Cas, as well. Surely he had heard Dean’s desperation.

“It should be you on that pyre.”

“I don’t know.” Sam shook his head in defeat. The thought hadn’t slipped his mind either. “Dean we haven’t heard from Cas in days, and Jack was pretty upset too I think he flew off somewhere...” Tears blurred Sam’s vision as he took in the situation. His friend’s lifeless body, convulsing under his broken brother’s hands. They were two humans, two ordinary humans, with some very unordinary friends who had failed to turn up when they needed them most. What was going on? Where the hell were the angels now?

There was a splutter and a cough, as more vomit projected from your mouth. It helped clear your airway slightly though, and Dean paused once he felt your heart push back at his knuckles. “Lets get her upstairs now.” Dean was already moving, carefully scooping you up in his arms. He hated how hot and floppy you were, shuddering slightly as you tried to inhale. 

Time seemed to blur after that. At some point, the paramedics came barging through, shoving the brothers away so they could hook you up to all sorts of machines. Sam took the deep breath he’d been holding the whole time, glad someone else was there to help. He gripped Deans shoulders tight as realisation hit them and they stood there, completely distraught, watching the paramedics work. The drive to the hospital was silent - Dean certainly shouldn’t have been behind the wheel, but Sam wasn’t going to argue and he didn’t think he could manage driving either. They followed the ambulance directly, Dean’s foot flat out on the gas. Not being able to see you tore them apart. All they could do was drive, and pray. 

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It was like the weirdest dream, only you weren’t sure it was a dream because you were well aware that you still seemed to be in it. Lights flickered across your eyelids, different tones murmured around you, but you couldn’t do anything. At one point you felt a hand stroke yours, wet tears falling onto it, but you couldn’t place what was going on. Things seemed like that for a while, drifting in and out. Then at one point, the sounds seemed a little clearer, the light a little brighter. You could figure out where your head was now in comparison to your toes, and managed to locate your eyes. Summoning all your energy, you fluttered them open, fighting against the resistance of gunk glueing your lashes together and squinting at the harsh yellow light. 

You blinked a few times, making the room emerge slightly clearer than it had at first. Two figures sat on your left; one lying with his head on your bed, holding your hand, the other slouched asleep on a chair behind him. You tried to clear your throat, only to be met by a sharp pain from something stabbing it. You suddenly became aware of the tube jammed down it, and started to panic as you fought against the urge to splutter for your own air against that being pumped into you medically. 

The slight coughing attempt was enough to catch the attention of the brothers. Sam shot up first, almost falling off his chair as he jumped on Dean. “Hey, we need a nurse in here!” He yelled as he knelt next to his brother. Dean looked up, grasping your hand even harder than before, tears filling his eyes. “Hey, Y/N, hey.” The boys both took a step back as a nurse entered the room and started moving tubes around, her words direct towards you but still slightly out of reach. As she removed the tube, you spluttered and gasped as you took in a gulp of air that burned your sore throat. The movement tore pain through your chest and you became aware that breathing was not a fun motion, albeit one you kinda had to do. You squeezed Dean’s hand back as Sam lifted your head slightly to offer you some water, which was a struggle but a comforting as the cool liquid spread down your throat. 

“He-hey.” You broke a slight smile looking up at the boys. God knows how long they’d been up for, they looked exhausted. And worried. Really, really worried. 

Oh shit. It suddenly hit you why you were here, in the hospital. Tears pricked your eyes “I’m s-sorry...” Sam shook his head. “You don’t need to be sorry. We should have been looking out for you, and I’m sorry we didn’t. But I swear, Y/N, it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get you all the help you need, and we’re going to support you the whole way. Whatever you need, we’re here for you, okay?” 

You smiled softly at him, leaning into his hand as he stroked your hair. Sam put a hand round his brother, who tried to hide his tears behind a stone cold poker face. “Don’t you dare ever do that again, Y/N. You scared the life out of us. I never, ever want to have to break your ribs to keep you alive, alright.” You nodded, gulping down your guilt. Dean leaned forward, planting a kiss on your forehead. 

“I hate myself for what I said. I know I can’t, but if I could take it back I swear I would. I understand if you can’t forgive me.” 

You reached a wobbly hand up to his cheek. “I forgive you, Dean. I’m sorry I put you through this, I was being so damn selfish.” You let him go and took one of each brother’s hands in yours. “I love you both so much. Thank you for saving me. I promise, I swear, I will get better.”

“And we’ll be right here to help you, Y/N.” Dean nodded. “Always. We’re not going anywhere.” Sam gave you a soft smile. 

It wasn’t going to be easy. But the hard part was over - they knew about your demons now, and they didn’t run for the hills. With time, you knew it would all be okay.

[rusty-tetanus-nail]

Ghosting

Dean’s dead, but that won’t stop Eileen from asking him a very important question.

or

The story of how Sam and Sam’s Blurry Wife never met.

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“Look, Eileen, I know I haven’t been the same ever since Dean- ever since he-” Sam tries to explain, frustrated with himself for not being able to say the word as Eileen drags him towards the pre-prepared table.

“This is a bad idea. I promised Dean not to bring him back and to move on with my life. This won’t do me or him any good.”

The glare Eileen shoots him in response makes Sam squirm.

“We’re not bringing him back, Sam. I have a question and I need an answer. That’s all. Now, sit.”

Sam sits down and Eileen follows after lightning the necessary candles for the séance. This will end in disaster. Sam is sure of it, but there’s no talking to Eileen. She’ll do it with or without him. All Sam can do is hope staying with her is the right decision even though everything in him tells him to run away. Eileen’s eyes soften and she takes Sam’s hands in hers squeezing them gently, telling him it’ll be alright. Sam takes a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”

Together they start the séance, invoking Dean’s spirit to join them at the table and answer their questions. Each participant gets to ask one and then the ghost should disappear back to heaven. If done right the ritual should be completely harmless, but Sam is still on edge.

On top of that Eileen refused to tell him what it is she needs to ask Dean so desperately. Whatever it is, it won’t change anything. Dean will still be dead and Sam will just have to mourn him again. Some part of Sam resents Eileen for forcing him into this.

They finish the incantation. The flames flicker and the air grows cold. “Dean?” Sam shakingly asks into the empty room.

“Heya Sammy!”, comes the cheerful voice from his left side. Sam lets out a high pitched sound in surprise and swirls around coming face to face with the grinning ghostly visage of his very dead older brother.

“Cute squeak.” Dean teases and Sam is left gaping, unable to form a word. Before the silence between them becomes too awkward Dean turns around and winks at the other person on the table. 

"Hey Eileen."

"Hi." She replies with a smile.

"Thanks for taking care of the sasquatch. I know he can be a handful.”

“I’ve got it handled.” Eileen chuckles as if they didn’t just summon the ghost of his dead brother. Sam watches the exchange stunned, his mind reeling. Small talk, really?

“Is our little mermaid over here still on his rabbit food?” Dean continues ignorant of Sam’s inner turmoil, signing the last two words as best he remembers.

Eileen nods gravely.

“And there’s so much gas because of it.” 

Dean pulls a disgusted face. “Right?! Let me offer my deepest condolences for the sacrifice of keeping him company despite all of that. It must’ve been torture.”

“Shut up, Jerk!” Sam blurts out and without missing a beat Dean replies with a “Bitch.” And just like that Sam’s heart feels lighter. “It’s good to see you again, Dean.” Sam says, willing his eyes to stay dry. He refuses to give Dean more material to make fun of him in front of his girlfriend. “You too, Sammy.” For a moment it looks like Dean is fighting with his emotions as well, but then he composes himself and continues. “Okay, now that Ariel found her voice again, let’s do this. Séance rules say both of you get to ask a question to the all knowing ghost. So, shoot.”

Sam waits for Eileen to start, but she signs for him to go first. That’s a problem. Sam had put all his money on vainly hoping the ritual wouldn’t work and prepared nothing for this moment. 

“So, eh, how’s heaven?” More smalltalk it is.

Dean leans back into his chair with a sigh. “Busy.”

Sam frowns. “Busy how?” 

“Busy how could we possibly think a three year old would be able to come up with a good plan to restructure heaven. Don’t get me wrong, the kid’s trying his best, but he’s definitely not thinking long term. We’ve been trying to find a way to bust into heaven’s administration office and give the kid some pointers, but no luck for now. Guess my retirement has to wait.”

Dean pauses, giving Sam a moment to gather his thoughts. This is unexpected, but if anyone can raise hell in heaven and give God a good talking to it’s his older brother.

“If you need any help from down here, just ask.” Eileen offers, leaving both Sam and Dean somewhat startled.

“Eh, I don’t know. I’d have to discuss it with the others upstairs and then you’d have to summon me again...”

“Sure. Sounds good. Let’s check up on each other every couple of months or so.”

Sam stares at his girlfriend disbelievingly and turns to Dean.

“Is that even allowed?” 

Dean shrugs, clearly at as much of a loss as Sam is. “It’s probably not the healthiest coping mechanism, but if we make sure I return to heaven after every séance, I don’t think it’s against the rules? There’s no retiring and being dead dead for me until heaven’s fixed anyway and unless you have any plans to leave the life behind any time soon, I don’t see why not.” Sam shakes his head. He wasn’t planning on retiring either. At least that’s what he’s trying to tell himself now that Dean asked. He’d talked with Eileen about rebuilding the Men of Letters from the ground up and creating a nation wide hunter network, but after Dean’s death Sam had rarely thought about it. In fact he hadn’t been thinking about anything that he wanted and only considered what Dean would want him to do. He had been certain Dean wanted him to become a civilian and leave everything behind, but now Sam’s not so sure anymore.

“Good, so okay. Unhealthy coping mechanism it is. At least for now. And if it turns bad-” “-we’ll figure it out. Our lives are so weird, man.” Sam chuckles, not having the heart to feel bad about their newest arrangement.   “That’s our lives and deaths to you. Don’t be life-ist, Sam.” Dean retorts, offended.

A comfortable silence settles around them, each getting lost in their own thoughts until Dean breaks it by shuffling awkwardly and looking anywhere but Sam and Eileen. “Of course I wouldn’t need any help breaking into heaven if Cas would just stop running away from me.”

Sam’s eyes widen. “Cas is back? Wait why would he run away from you? Dean, what have you done?”

Dean scoffs. “I’ve done nothing. It’s Cas who decided to just assume things.”

Sam feels a headache coming up. Not this again.

“Dean. What. Happened?”

Dean’s form flickers and he turns to Eileen ignoring Sam’s question.

“So what did you want to ask me?”

“Dean, Sam is right you should tell us what happened. If fixing things with Cas can help you…” Eileen tries to reason, but it only agitates Dean further. The table starts to shake as Dean stands up and paces the room. “There’s nothing to fix, okay? Cas said he loves me, died and now I’m being ghosted.” 

Dean lets out a frustrated growl. “How am I supposed to tell him I feel the same if refuses to talk to me?” Dean finishes and slumps down in the chair again.

Sam blinks. He had been too preoccupied with translating Dean’s words for Eileen to register what Dean actually said until Sam saw Eileen’s eyes widen in surprise. Cas is in love with Dean and Dean feels the same? Okay, that’s- that’s huge. Sam knew there always had been something more going on between the two of them, but with everything going on in their lives, he had never really dwelled on it. It does make an awful lot of sense though. Of course Dean would fall in love with the angel and then spend however many years repressing all of it.

“Dean,” Sam starts but before he can find the right words to say, Dean blanches, clearly only now realising what he just confessed to and grows defensive. “Shut up. We’re never talking about this again, capiche?”

Sam has to force himself not to get annoyed by Dean’s unwillingness to talk and settles on what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “Okay, whenever you’re ready then.”

Dean ignores him and turns to Eileen putting all his protective walls up again in the process. “So, your question?”

“Right.” She says with a nervous smile and stands up straight gesturing for Dean to do the same. Dean obeys hesitantly, just as confused about the whole thing as Sam is. Sam moves to stand up as well, but gets interrupted by Eileen. “You can stay down, Sam. This is between Dean and I.”

“Eh, okay?” Sam shifts in his seat feeling like a child watching the adults conduct some serious business he knows nothing about. Silence settles in the room as Eileen mentally prepares herself to ask her question. Sam has rarely seen his girlfriend this nervous about anything. It’s worrying and Sam has to tell himself to calm down. Eileen would’ve told him if it was something potentially dangerous and he has no right to be overprotective unless she wants him to. Still, he can’t help but feel a nervous squirming in his stomach.

“Sam has been having a lot of stupid thoughts recently about your wishes for him, so I want to ask you. Officially.”, Eileen finally states solemnly.

“Dean Winchester” 

“Yeah?” Dean arches an eyebrow.

“I want to ask for your brother’s hand in marriage. Will you give us your blessing?”

A beat. Dean blinks, opening his mouth to answer. Sam tries to jump up, but stumbles over his own two feet in his panic and crashes hard over the chair onto the floor.

“Eileen!” Sam sputters out.

Dean looks expressionlessly down at the mess that is Sam Winchester and deadpans.

“Are you sure you wanna marry that?”

“Yes.” Eileen replies with a smile so full of love, Sam doesn’t know what he did to deserve it, her.

“You know you could do so much better, right?”

“No.” She shakes her head resolutely. The “there is no one better” hanging unsaid in the air.

Dean looks at the both of them and if Sam wasn’t too preoccupied with staring at the amazing woman in front of him he would’ve sworn he saw tears forming in Dean's eyes.

“In that case,” Dean walks up to Eileen and places a kiss on her forehead. “You have my blessing. There’s no one else I would rather trust with Sammy. I know you’ll make him happy.”

“Thank you.” Eileen signs and offers her hand to Sam to help him up.

“Let’s get married. And no more drunken talks about Dean not approving, got it?”

Sam takes her offered hand, but instead of getting up he pulls her down into a tight embrace, her small but strong body fitting perfectly into his own. Sam doesn’t deserve her. After Dean died he’s been nothing but an ass to her, wanting to abandon her and the life they’ve been trying to build, because of some misguided duty towards his brother. She’s the best thing that happened to him in a long time and in his grieve he was ready to throw it all away. Eileen had every right to leave him wallowing in his own misery, but she stayed and Sam doesn’t know he’ll ever be able to thank her for that. He tells her as much. “Marrying me would be a good start.” She replies and Sam nods vigorously before kissing her to seal the promise.

Dean clears his throat interrupting the moment. Sam looks up and sees the flickering form of his brother fading in the candle light.

“It’s time for me to go. You better treat her right, or I’ll come down and haunt your ass, you hear me, Sammy?”

“Got it.” Sam nods and lets his tears fall freely.

Throwing the both of them a last grin Dean signs a quick “See you later” and disappears.

Sam closes his eyes and rests his head on Eileen’s shoulder, breathing in her scent. Even if they never manage to conjure Dean again, Sam thinks, for the first time since Dean died, that maybe he will be alright after all.

[vansmaybeonthewall]

Another One?

Masterlist

requests are open 

i did promise something to my fellow Misha’s and it has been fulfilled  

(don’t judge the choices I make, no God can tame me)

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“So get this. Lake Cachuma, California. Three men found dead with their ears blown out. All three found at the same place, at the edge of a dock leading into the water.”

“And this is our thing how?”

“Well, they weren’t taking some lovely vacation Dean. All three were found in their suits with a little note spilling their secret infidelities.”

“That’ll do it. Do we have a lead?”

“Yeah, Cassandra Peters. Senior at Santa Barbara High School, her dad was the most recent victim.”

“I hope you packed your bikini Sammy, California here we come.”

A Few Hours Later...

Yeah, it wasn’t sunny and warm as Dean Winchester expected. Cloudy skies and a light breeze greeted Sam and Dean as they arrived at the Peters household. Thunder rumbled in the distance, signifying a coming storm. 

“Still ready for that swim Dean?”

“Oh shut up.”

“I don’t think you’ll need sunscreen anymore, I know how much you hate it.”

“Sam-

“Um, can I help you?”

The argument came to a halt when a young girl opened the door.

“Cassandra Peters?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind if we talk to you about-”

“My dad’s death? So does everyone else, so how are you any different?”

Sam and Dean were left speechless. Sure there were people who were defensive after a family death, but a teenage girl? Usually, day old mascara streaks could be seen with red, teary eyes. But Cassandra Peters? Her face was void of any emotion with dull eyes. 

“We know what it’s like,” Dean started, “to lose someone.”

“Yeah well, do you know what it’s like to learn that that person wasn’t someone you knew?”

“We understand if you don’t want to talk about it, nobody does, but sometimes it’s easier to tell someone how you actually feel.” Sam hoped that was enough to get the girl talking. 

She looked slightly guilty, I mean, they looked like nice guys. 

“Look, I’m sorry. A friend of mine taught me to stop the tears with being an asshole. I don’t see how it works or how she does it, but I guess it’s a coping mechanism. Not for me I suppose.”

“Believe us when we say we understand.”

“Well, seeing as you’re still here, ask away.”

“Okay, was there anything strange that occurred around the time your dad died?”

“Well besides the weather, I don’t think so. Like the two before, a rain storm hit without warning. The streets flooded, you could barely see in front of you.”

“What about your dad? Did he seem strange to you?”

“Yeah, maybe two days before he seemed nervous, scared. He kept saying someone was following him. Some girl in a white dress.”

“Did he say what she looked like?”

“You see, that’s the strange part. He said he saw Y/N, which is weird because she was with me or in rehearsal. And there is no way Y/N would skip rehearsal.”

“Do you know where we can find Y/N?”

“She should be at rehearsal now actually. She’s not in trouble is she?”

“No, we just need to check up on her, have a little chat.”

“She’s at the high school, but be careful, she really doesn’t like being interrogated about her parents or any family related subject. She gave me the tip of being an asshole instead of being depressed, still not seeing how that works.”

“Can we ask why?”

“Her step-dad was the first victim.”

“Right. Well, if you think of anything, give us a call. Even the smallest thing can help.”

Dean handed her the famous “business” card, which made Cassandra do a double-take. 

“Sam and Dean Winchester? As in Y/N Winchester?”

“Sorry?”

“Y/N Winchester, that’s who I’m talking about. You have the same name. Now come to think of it, you guys kind of look alike.”

Cassandra pulls a picture from her phone.

“This is Y/N.”

Sam and Dean share a look, one between shock and nervousness.

“Would you, uh, would you mind telling us about her?” Dean asked, afraid to know the truth. 

“I don’t see why not, this is some TV shit. But you should probably come in, the rain won’t be getting any better.”

The Peters household was quiet and empty. Even with all the lights on, the house was dark. What captured the brother’s attention was the pictures of Cassandra and Y/N. 

“So what do you wanna know?”

“Anything really.”

“Okay. Y/N Marie Winchester, where to start. Born June 25, 1989, she’s a Cancer. Tall, like you two. She has the kindest eyes, when she looks at her it’s like she can see into your soul. She acts tough at first, but once she lets you in she’s one of the funniest people you’ve ever known. Oh, absolutely hates dresses, her favorite things to wear are flannels and her leather jacket. God that leather jacket, she never takes that thing off. She loves to sing, always has. She doesn’t like to get close to people, it’s like she’s afraid they’ll get hurt or that maybe she’ll have to leave them behind.”

Sam smiled softly and Dean held a thoughtful look, Could there really be another Winchester?

“Wait, she has your smile. And she has that same look when taking a test. Do you really not know if you’re related?”

“No, no Y/N Winchester has came up.”

“Well, I’ll take you to her. One, I’d love for Y/N to have her family. Two, I need a source of happiness and this family reunion will do it.”

“Lead the way.”

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“Okay, one more run through ‘World Burn’ and that’s a wrap. Y/N you ready?”

“Always.”

“Alright, from the top!”

Approx. a minute or two later, idk time 

As the trio made their way to the theatre, Cassandra could hear the chorus. 

“Come on! We’re gonna miss the best part.”

Lucky for them, they made it before the big note. 

“Gotta love a woman in power. Wait here, I’ll bring her to you.” Cassandra jogs towards Y/N as she jumped offstage. Greeting her with a hug, she explains her predicament. 

“A sister,” Dean started, “we might have a sister?”

“With the world we live in, I don’t find it impossible Dean.”

“But why would Dad-”

“Sam, Dean, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Sam and Dean. Winchester.”

“Okay, I get that, but that doesn’t automatically make us related Cass.”

“Stop being hard-headed. Why don’t you guys talk it out? I’ll meet up with Jessie. See you later jerk.” With that, Cassandra took a U-turn towards another student.

“Bitch.” Y/N called after her. She turned towards the two giants, making a face at their surprised ones. “What?”

“Nothing, do you mind if we talk to you outside?”

“I don’t see why not.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Holy shit! Is that a 1967 Chevy Impala? Please tell me it’s yours, I’ll tell you all my life secrets if it is.”

“Uh, yeah, it is.” Dean stuttered. The information the brothers were learning kept hitting them in the face. Is she really a Winchester?

“Yes! Let us congregate at this lunch table and I’ll spill my tragic life story.”

“So, you sing?”

“Yeah, best thing that’s ever happened to me. Everyone says I took it from my mom, but who knows, not me that’s for sure. Me and Cass are also in a band, which reminds me, I have to be somewhere in two hours, so if we could do this a little fast that would be great thanks.”

Dean, unlike Sam, wanted to get straight to the point. Why ease into the subject when it is so painfully obvious she’s a Winchester?

“What do you know about your dad?”

“Not much really, I just know he took off before I was born. I lived with my mother until I was about 5. Then my quote unquote “dad” came back into my life and my mother disappeared. Stayed with him for about a year, met a lot of strange people, and I was finally dropped off with some random couple here. Terrible parenting, but here I am alive and well I guess. But he did leave me some sort of book, more of a copy.”

Both brothers were intrigued in her life story. A strange life, a Winchester life. Y/N pulled the book out of her backpack, but when she did her shirt allowed the top of the anti-possession tattoo to peak out. Everything was pointing towards the fact that the three were related, but we can’t have any stones left unturned can we?

“Did that book say anything about your dad? A name, a picture maybe?” Sam was anxious.

“There was a letter when the book was first given to me with the initials J.W. but that’s it. I don’t think he wants to be found.” A solemn look crossed her face. “Well, that was fun, but I have to go.”

“Wait-”

“Look, you guys seem nice and it would be cool if we were related somehow, but I have a place to be. You’re welcome to come by though. I’ll give you my number, and maybe we could talk tomorrow. I should have more time seeing that it is Saturday tomorrow. It was nice meeting you Sam and Dean. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

As she walked away, Sam and Dean formed a plan. First, kill whatever monster terrorizing the town, then find out who the hell Y/N Winchester was.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So close, but apparently so far. Upon looking in the journal, Sam and Dean found  a new monster, a siren. And though the monster seemed to be a siren, something wasn’t right. The bleeding ears made no sense. No siren case had bleeding ears. However, banshee cases dealt with bleeding ears, but no bodies near water. There was only one answer.

Break time. 

Y/N had sent Dean a message about the bar her band would be at, so the brothers decided to find out as much as they could about the girl before heading there.

“Dean, there’s nothing in the journal and I’ve read through it twice, what else are we missing?”

“Missing...missing...missing! Sammy, you’ve outdone yourself.” Dean reached into his pocket and pulled the stolen letter.

“Dean!”

“What! It slipped out of her journal.” Bitchface. “Okay, maybe I slipped it out of her journal, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we can compare Dad’s handwriting with the letter. And then you can hack into hospital records to find her birth certificate.”

“I am not hacking into the hospital records.”

“Oh c’mon Sammy, don’t you want to know who she is?”

“Of course I do, but I don’t want to get arrested while doing it.”

“Whatever, just give me the journal.”

Dean was only going to skim over the handwriting before something caught his eye. Information that wasn’t shared lay on the paper. The J.W was obvious on the bottom, but what caught his eyes were his name, Sam’s name, and an unfamiliar one. 

“That little bitch.”

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It took too long, it took too long, it took too long For you to call back And normally, I would just forget that Except for the fact it was my birthday My fuckin' birthday

Sam and Dean entered the bar, a bar that apparently allowed teenagers in, and spotted Y/N on the small stage. They could see why she needed to leave, not only to get them off her tail, but for all the other students partying their asses off.

We got along, we got along, we got along Until you did that Now all I want is just my stuff back Do you get that? Let me repeat that I want my shit back  

“So what’s the plan?”

“One we have to get her away from everyone else. Two, we can’t let her out of our sight. Remember what Cassandra said, the weather aligns with a body being found the next day. And since we don’t know the next victim, we have to hold Y/N hostage somehow.” 

“Where do we take her? She’s not going to abandon her friends Dean.”

“I don’t know, tell her we found something about Dad or her mom. Technically, we’re not lying, so don’t feel bad about it.” 

“Yeah, yeah alright.”

The two parted ways, searching for inconspicuous exits while watching Y/N. Though, it didn’t take long before Y/N spotted Sam. 

“Hey Sam, glad you made it. Where’s Dean?”

“He’s around here somewhere. Look, I needed to talk to you about your dad. We think we found something.”

“Now?”

“Yeah, I mean, if you can.”

“Now’s not really a good time. We can’t pick this up tomorrow?”

“It’s ki-” “Sammy!”

“Oh hey Y/N, mind if we talk to you for a second?”

“I can’t leave-”

“Yeah, but we really need to talk to you.” Dean had a smug smirk holding up the letter. 

“Fine.” 

Outside...

“So Y/N, you got anything important to tell us?”

“Nothing you don’t already know Dean.”

“Wrong answer.”

“Dean-”

“No Sammy, she needs to start telling the truth before someone gets hurt. Like little Cassie’s dad or Jessie’s dad.” 

“What do you want from me Dean?”

“You see, we were here on a case, but I bet you already knew that. Three people were killed, your step-dad, Matthew Jacobs, and Holt Peters, but you already knew that. All three said they saw a girl in white, and what do you know, it was you. We thought we solved the case, but nothing fit the banshee or siren profile. Imagine my surprise when I find my name along with Sam’s and a little gift. Athena Drea, some hybrid between a banshee and a siren. Fits the profile doesn’t it? Oh but that’s not all, Dad knew her, dear old John Winchester knew your mommy. And I’m betting that she disappeared because her time was up. What I don’t understand is your name? Why were you blessed with some form of mom’s name? What is so special about Y/N Marie Winchester?”

Angry tears streamed down Y/n’s face.

“Congratulations Dean Winchester. You figured me out.”

“Y/N-”

“No, it’s fine Sam, he’s right. What’s so special about me? The fact that I have no parents? That I have my mother’s powers? That I’m related to you? Nothing good comes with being me. There’s always a catch. Those people I killed? They tried to kill me first. Those lies about cheating, made them up. Yes it’s sick and twisted, but I’m still alive right? I’m lucky? I tried to protect you from knowing me, from being related to me. Why do you think I never reached out to you? Everyone around me gets hurt. My friends don’t know me like they think they do, I killed their dad! There is nothing special about me, and god if there is, I’d really like to know. Because all I know is that I’m a screw up with no family. So forgive me for running and lying.”

She tried to leave, but an arm on her shoulder prevented her from doing so. 

“You two should go, leave before something else happens. There’s no monster to kill, but I’d gladly let you kill me. That wouldn’t be the worst thing that’s happened to me.”

“Y/N.”

She shrugged his hand off and started to run.

“Y/N!”

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“You were right, I should have never gotten attached.”

It was dark, the only source of light came from the moon. The sounds of the lake calmed Y/N from the harsh argument. 

“People got hurt.”

The quiet brought her peace.

“Some were innocent. Cass and Jessie, they didn’t deserve their family to fall apart.”

It took Sam and Dean quite a while to find Y/N. 

“I met them. Sam and Dean, they seem nice, but I screwed up mum. I lied and I don’t think they like me much anymore. It was nice to know that I had family out there. I know dad told me in the letter, but I didn’t think we would meet. You know how it goes, hunters and monsters don’t mix.”

Sneaking behind her wasn’t easy.

“I don’t understand mum. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stay here anymore. I’ll have to leave and I won’t have anybody anymore.”

“You have us.”

She whipped around to find her brothers awkwardly standing there. 

“What do you two bozos want?”

Sam took the initiative, “We want you to come with us.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re family,” Dean surprisingly said, “and family means no one gets left behind.”

With that, the three had a slightly awkward, yet welcomed group hug,

Hours later.....

Everything was sorted. Y/N was leaving with Sam and Dean, and it was exciting. No more school, Sam sort of disapproved on that. A constant road trip with her family. Although, they would encounter many obstacles in their journey. 

Only one thing was left in Y/N’s mind. She sat in the backseat of the Impala and couldn’t resist it any longer.

“Hey Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you just Lilo & Stitch me back there?” Sam laughed and Y/N started to giggle.

“Shut up.” But he looked out his window with a smile.

She really was a Winchester.

[fancat-not-fangirl]

Welcome to my Nightmare

a/n: another one of my hurt!Dean fanfics! Tag to 4.06 Yellow Fever bc I wanted Sam to comfort Dean more (as always)

Summary: Dean has another one of his hallucinations during his time with the ghost sickness. Can Sam snap him out of it this time? 

<><><>

Sam woke up to the sound of his name.

He immediately recognized the voice as his brother’s. After all, when you’ve spent more than twenty years listening to him say it in millions of different ways, you find that it’s easy to identify. And Sam’s heard every possible pronunciation of his name from his brother, whether it be happiness, annoyance, worry, fear, relief, or reassurance. He’s heard it all.

Which was why when his name flew out of Dean’s mouth in a horrified gasp, Sam knew something was wrong.

Well, more wrong than it already was. Because how could anything not be, when Dean’s caught a little something called ghost sickness and was due to die in T-minus 7 hours. Only one month, one week, and two days after hell. After Sam finally had his brother back. And it wasn’t fair. Sam had thought - no, he had hoped - that he’d have more time with his brother. More time to simply enjoy Dean’s presence again. To savor it. To commit the smiles and laughs and smirks to memory, just in case he was taken from Sam again.

But the ghost sickness stripped that away. The years Sam was looking forward to spending with Dean had dwindled down to mere hours.

No.

He wouldn't think about that now.

He had to focus on helping Dean.

But that would’ve been easier if Sam knew what it was that he should be helping Dean with. Because Sam didn’t know what was wrong.

“Dean?” he tried, sitting up in bed. “Is everything okay?” It obviously wasn’t, but he had to try to get an answer out of Dean before acting.

But Dean didn’t answer. If anything, his face got paler and his eyes widened even more. He choked out another “Sammy?” before scrambling out of the bed covers. His eyes seemed to be glued to the spot where Sam’s head had been resting on the pillow just moments before. 

“Dean?” Sam tried again, but instead of getting a normal response, Dean started moving backwards on the bed, as if trying to get as far away from Sam as possible. His mouth was moving, at first too fast for Sam to decipher what it was that he was saying, but then the words increased in volume. Sam realized that Dean was repeating a litany of “No, no, no, no, no,”s and his heart sank. Dean must be having another hallucination.

What was it this time?

It didn’t matter. He had to get Dean to calm down.

Throwing his covers aside, Sam climbed out of his own bed and leaned over Dean’s. “Dean? Dean, you’re okay. You’re fine, man. Look at me.” But Dean wasn’t having any of that. The “no”s just got louder and louder and then his hands were in his hair, pulling at the short strands. Oh god, what was it that he was seeing? His reaction was worse than before, much worse. And that was saying something, since the last time Dean had one of his ghost sickness hallucinations where Sam had apparently wanted him back in Hell, he had almost choked himself to death on the air he had been breathing.

“Dean, look at me.” Sam desperately tried to get his brother to listen. “You’re okay, Dean. Everything is fine, you hear me? Dean? Please man, snap out of it.” But Dean was only getting worse. A high pitched keening noise was now ripping its way out of Dean’s throat and Sam’s heart broke at the sound. Dean’s hands pulled at his hair with increased vigor, his eyes still wide and horrified, staring at Sam’s bed.

Sam had to get him to stop.

Taking a deep breath, Sam reached across the bed and took Dean’s wrists into his hands, trying to pull them away from his head. A pair of green eyes snapped to him. Dean went feral, snarling at him and twisting himself out of Sam’s grip. “You killed him!” Dean’s voice reached the point of screaming as he scrambled away from Sam, getting tangled in the bed covers. A voice in the back of Sam’s head whispered that if he couldn’t get Dean to quiet down, one of their neighbors would surely call the police. “You killed him, you son of a bitch!”

Oh.

Oh.

Dean thought that Sam was dead.

Well this certainly complicated things.

“Dean! Dean, I’m okay. I’m right here, man.” Sam leaned closer, trying to get his brother to understand that he was alive and breathing. Dean just fought harder, swinging at Sam’s head, trying to land a punch. Sam ducked, narrowly avoiding getting knocked out. “Please, Dean! It’s not real, none of it is real.” Sam was attempting to talk Dean out of his hysteria, protecting his head from being bashed in, and at the same time trying to catch Dean’s flailing arms. And he was failing miserably.

“I’ll kill you for this, you black-eyed bastard!” Dean growled, baring his teeth. Instead of punches, he was now trying to claw at Sam’s face. Great. Just great. Dean thought that he was a demon.

Sam made a split second decision and leapt onto the bed, manhandling Dean onto his back and then settling his weight on top of him. Dean writhed and snarled but could not move, and for once in his life Sam was thankful that he was bigger than his older brother. 

Dean’s arms were still clawing at Sam, but now it was easier to stop them and soon Sam had them both pinned to the bed. He leant forward, trying to get his brother to look at him.

“Dean, listen to me. I’m right here, you hear me? Right here. I’m alive, I’m okay. And so are you.” Dean’s head turned away towards Sam’s empty bed and his previously furious eyes now glistened with unshed tears. Dean really still thought that Sam was dead. Sam, who felt utterly helpless. 

Sam was sick of it. That feeling of helplessness that has been his constant companion for the last few months. He couldn’t get Dean out of his deal, he couldn’t find a way to get Dean out of Hell, he couldn’t figure out who had actually done what he couldn’t when Dean got back, and now he couldn’t find a way to calm his brother down. To comfort him.

But damn him if he would let that stop him from trying.

“Dean!” His brother flinched at the John-like tone Sam used. Sam didn’t have time to feel guilty. “Goddammit Dean, look at me right now.” And Dean, never being able to refuse a direct order, obeyed, hands still straining to get out of Sam’s grip.

His eyes locked onto Sam’s, who leaned down even further, so far that their noses were almost touching. 

“Dean, listen to me. It’s not real, okay? I’m not dead. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. It’s the ghost sickness, it’s making you see things that aren’t there.” Dean’s eyes darted again to Sam’s bed, but returned back to Sam moments later. “Whatever you’re seeing there isn’t real, Dean. I promise. But you know what is real?” Sam kept his grip on Dean’s wrist and brought both of their hands up, laying Dean’s palm flat against his chest. He wondered if Dean could feel Sam’s racing heartbeat through the thin fabric of his shirt. “I’m real, Dean. Feel that? That’s me, Sammy, alive and healthy.” And Sam used his brother’s nickname for him, hoping it would help calm his brother down. “Please trust me, Dean. Please.”

And slowly Dean’s eyes began to clear, his straining arms and torso relaxing. Sam didn’t let himself ease up, though. Not until he knew Dean was fully calmed down.

“Sammy?”

It was said in a whisper, as if Dean was scared that what he was seeing now was a trick.

“Yeah, Dean. It’s me.”

The amount of relief that rushed into Dean’s face almost had Sam sobbing. Dean was okay. Dean recognized him. Everything was going to be fine.

“Sammy.” Dean breathed his younger brother’s name again. “You’re alive.” His eyes then flickered down and his eyes widened. “And you’re sitting on me.” 

Sam let out a breathless laugh and finally relaxed his own body, leaning forward the remainder of the way and letting his forehead rest on top of Dean’s. He breathed deeper now, more relieved than he could say at the fact that Dean was now back to normal. Or, as normal as he could be considering the circumstances.

“Dude, seriously, do I look like a loveseat to you? You’re squishing me into a fricking pancake.”

Sam smiled softly and clambered off of his brother, knowing that Dean was using humor as a defense mechanism again, not wanting Sam to see how badly he had been shaken up. Dean was blushing, but his eyes still held traces of that initial fear they had when Sam first woke up. Sam didn’t push it, though. God knew Dean had enough to deal with at the moment.

“You gonna be okay?” Sam asked softly, admittedly reluctant to go back to his own bed. What if something else happened to Dean while Sam was sleeping but Sam wouldn’t wake up? He didn’t know if he could risk that. Sam shuddered to think at what would have happened if he hadn’t woken up when he did this time.

Dean nodded, face still red and eyes still wide, and settled back into his covers, turning to face away from Sam. Sam sighed and got into his own bed, not trusting himself to go to sleep in fear of missing something.

It was a good thing, too, because not half an hour later Dean was mumbling Sam’s name and tossing and turning in his sleep, eyes scrunched shut and an expression of pain etched onto his face. 

Sam was immediately out of his own bed and whispering his brother’s name as he tried to shake Dean awake. This time it was easier to get his brother to calm down. Dean’s eyes had opened right away and Sam’s heart had almost broken at the look on Dean’s face.

There was no way they’d both be able to sleep if this kept going. So, steeling himself against the teasing that was sure to come, Sam took a deep breath and crawled into the bed next to Dean.

Sure enough, Dean balked and moved away, hissing, “Sam! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Just cause I’m acting like a scared little girl doesn’t mean you get to act like one, too.” He schooled his features into a glare pointed at his brother. “Get out of my bed.”

“No.” Sam said simply, making himself comfortable under Dean’s incredulous gaze. “You know as well as I do that this will help you. So shut up and go to sleep.”

Dean was silent for a while but then gave up, murmuring something about how Hollywood might as well make a chick flick movie about them now. He layed back down, scooching as far away from Sam as the bed allowed. 

Sam huffed out a breath. Now he just had to find a way to convince Dean to let him keep a hand on his older brother’s back as he slept. It had always helped them when they were kids. Any time either of them had been sick or tired or hurt, the other would help them fall asleep by rubbing the other’s back, an equal sign of ‘I’m here for you’ and ‘You’re safe’. Except now they were older, and Dean had a strict No Chick Flicks Law Enforcement thing going on, making it nearly impossible for Sam to do anything without being shut down or deemed a ‘girl’.

But Dean needed the contact. Tonight especially. Sam just had to figure out-

The quiet around them was broken by a car alarm and suddenly Sam found himself with an armful of Dean, who had been scared senseless by the noise. And in the blink of an eye Dean now had his arms wrapped around Sam’s waist and his face buried into Sam’s chest.

Getting over his initial shock, it didn’t take long for Sam to bring his own arms around Dean, resting one on the back of his brother’s neck while the other started rubbing Dean’s back in soothing motions. Sam smiled. But not an I’ll-hold-this-over-your-head-for-the-rest-of-your-life smile. No, this one was in relief. In reassurance. Because now he finally had a chance to make his brother feel better. He could be the one to take care of Dean for once.

Dean mumbled something into Sam’s shirt, but it was too soft for Sam to pick up. He ducked his head closer to Dean’s. “What?”

Dean hesitated before repeating, “I thought you were dead.”

Sam tensed a bit. He hadn’t expected Dean to talk about it. He had expected Dean to shrug it off as he usually did, to deny that he was being chick-flicky by choice. But not talk about his feelings. Never that.

“Yeah, Dean. I know.”

Dean continued his unexpected streak and kept talking, his voice barely above a whisper. “No, Sam. You don’t.” He took a deep breath, voice wavering. “I thought you were dead. After everything I did to keep you alive, after all those years of looking after you, after I made that damned deal. Everything. It was all for nothing. I failed. I failed dad. I failed you. I couldn’t keep you safe, no matter how hard I tried.” Dean’s voice cracked. “I tried so hard but it was all for nothing.”

“Dean, hey man, look at me,” Sam tried. Dean’s eyes rose to meet his. “You didn’t fail, you got that? I’m right here. I’m alive. I’m not going anywhere, okay? And neither are you. We’ll find a way to cure the ghost sickness. I promise. But you didn’t fail dad. You didn’t fail me.” Sam’s voice dropped so low, he didn’t think Dean would be able to hear him. “You’ve never failed me. And you never will.”

There was a moment of silence where the only thing Sam heard was Dean’s deep breaths and the faraway sounds of cars. Then Dean spoke. “But what if we can’t?”

“We will.” Sam vowed. “Trust me, Dean. We will.”

Another few seconds of silence. 

“I do trust you, Sammy.”

“Good. And it’s Sam.” That earned him a soft jab in the ribs and he chuckled, wrapping his arms tighter around his brother and resting his chin on Dean’s head. The short hair felt nice against Sam’s face and he inhaled deeply, taking in the smell that was just oh so Dean. The smell of home.

Soon Dean was asleep, lightly snoring into Sam’s chest. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. So vulnerable. And Sam wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He would fight tooth and nail to keep Dean from leaving him again. He would go to the ends of the earth to make sure Dean was safe and alive and happy.

Dean wouldn’t die, not so soon after Sam got him back. Sam wouldn’t let him. Sam couldn’t let him. Not after those months and months after Dean went to Hell where Sam didn’t know which way was up and which was down. Not after Sam had experienced a life on Earth that was a living breathing nightmare. 

No, Sam refused to go through that again. Even if it was the last thing he did, he’d save his brother.

Pressing a soft kiss to the top of Dean’s head, Sam too then fell asleep, lulled by the feeling of their hearts beating as one.

[plaugh-ain]

I Love You. Wait for Me

OKaayyyyyyyy SO this is my submition for Angsty week. I suddenly have the idea just now. So, i’m soo sorry if it’s terrible and not well thought. I also apologize for any mistakes. 

Thank you @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover for trusting me enough to write something for @angsty-angstweek. I hope this will suffice.

Title: I Love You. Wait for Me. Rating: Teens and Up Audience Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel Word counts: 1,3k Tag: angst

read on AO3

Dean is at the Roadhouse, drinking his ass off. They are having a fight again, Cas and Dean. Over what, Dean has already forgotten. Probably something minor, but they have been in each other throats these past few days. Dean loves Cas. Gosh, does he loves Cas, but sometimes it is just hard for him to keep his temper in check when things get heated. The last thing he remembers is how Cas is complaining that Dean is working late. How he always opting for staying until late hours at work or ‘covering’ someone else’ shifts over spending time with Cas.

“Dean. Please, just stay at home. With me. You don’t have to go to work. You’re the boss.”

“And what Cas? What should I do if didn’t go to work? Just relaxing, playing maid for you? You know that ain’t me. You know I’ve worked hard for success. I don’t want that to slip away. But then again, what do you know. You come for money. You don’t know anything about hard work.” Dean scoffed. The moment the words are out his mouth, he knows he hurts Cas. He knows that Cas actually has to work against his family will and stay true to himself. He knows that Cas pays all his college tuition by selling his arts. All on his own. But, right now, Dean just wants to hurt Cas. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t remember why.

The hurt on Cas’ face is something Dean never wants to see again. He wants to apologize and run to Cas and engulf him in his hugs, cover him with kisses and love. But he doesn’t. Why? He doesn’t know.

Cas stills his face. He knows Dean doesn’t mean any of it. He knows it is just Dean’s defense mechanism. No matter how hurt the words are to him, he understands. He tries not to let the words affect him and calmly says to Dean, “Dean. That’s not what I mean. I just want to say that you don’t have to always be there. Garth can handle it; Ash can handle it. Hell, even Benny can handle it. You know I’m right.” Cas sighs. “Let’s just sleep it off, okay? We can talk about it tomorrow when we are calm.”

“Calm? I’m calm now. Why don’t we finish the talk now? Just go over with this.”

“Dean. No. I’m tired, and based on your temper, I bet you are too. Let’s just go to bed, okay?”

“You know what Cas, you ain’t my babysitter, you ain’t my parents, and you ain’t my brother. You sure as hell ain’t my fucking family based on how you are always against me.” Dean spits the words to Cas. He grabs his keys, and gets out of the apartment. “I’m going out. Don’t wait for me.”

Ahh yes, so he remembers. The buzzing of the phone inside his pocket gets him out of his reverie.

5 miss calls from Cas.

14 messages from Cas.

*incoming call from Cas*

Why the fucking hell is Cas calling him? He tells him not to wait. Dean lets the call goes to voice mail and gulps the rest of the whiskey. He keeps downing his pain away with whiskey and beers until the bartender cuts him off and sends him home.

When he arrives at home—how the hell does he manages that he doesn’t know—the house is silent. He figures Cas is already in bed. He goes to the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the lights. As much as Dean is infuriated with Cas, he still loves his head still intact for their next conversation. He goes to the bathroom, washes the putrid smell away and gets ready for bed. When he reaches the bed, he notices the bed is empty. ‘where is Cas?’

Suddenly, he sobers up. “Cas? This is not funny dude. Where are you?” no answer. He checks his phone. The last phone call from Cas is two hours ago. He checks the messages.

From Cas:

Dean?

Dean?? Where are you?

Dean I’m worried here.

Please come home babe. I love you

I’m sorry Dean

Please come home.

Okay let’s talk now okay?

Dean, please answer my call. Please dean I’m getting worried here

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to belittle your success or anything. I just want you. I want to spend more time with you. I miss you being at home, watching Dr. Sexy together. I want you to be happy. Last few weeks you haven’t spent time with me. I miss your laugh and smile. I miss you. Please come home

I’m so so sorry dean. If you are happier spending time in the garage, that’s okay too. I still love you. I’m so sorry if I’m acting like a spoiled child or anything. I just miss you a lot. But I’m okay if you find your happiness in the garage. Maybe I can go there visit you at lunch and dinner and we can eat together. I love you dean. Please don’t leave me hanging. Please answer my call. Please tell where you are?

Are you at the Roadhouse?

I’m going there okay. Stay where you are

Don’t go anywhere okay, dean. I don’t want you to be in an accident or anything.

God please I hope you’re not in accident

I love you. Wait for me.

The messages are two and forty-five minutes ago. Dean feels acid in his stomach. Where is Cas then? If he is going to the Roadhouse, it should not take him more than 20 minutes to reach there. Suddenly, his phone is ringing. He doesn’t bother reading the name, he slides answers.

“Cas? Cas! Where are you dude? I’m at home now. Come back here.”

“Mr. Winchester?” a female voice calls him.

“you’re not Cas.”

“Are you Dean Winchester?”

“Yeah that’s me.” He answers cautiously.

“I’m from Memorial Hospital. There is just a man named Castiel Winchester admitted to the ER. Are you his husband?”

“What? Why is Cas in the hospital?” he feels the acid back in his stomach in full force.

“There is an accident happening in the intersection. Can you come to the hospital……” Dean does not register any of the words now. He feels dumbfounded. Cas is in the hospital. Cas. His husband. Dean grabs his keys and race to the hospital as fast as possible.

The policeman explains that Cas is going in the intersection when a truck slams into him. Apparently, the truck’s brake is broken so it cannot stop in time for the red light.

The doctor says that Cas has a broken leg, couple of broken ribs, and brain damage. The doctor says there is no guarantee what happens next. The doctor says he can’t say when Cas will wake up from his coma.

Dean just sits beside Cas’ bed and listen to all of them. He is not in the state of shock. He just feels numb. He sees Cas in the hospital bed. He seems so small now, with all the casts and bandages. What hurts Dean more is, Cas is still smiling. Even in pain, he still smiles for Dean. As if saying, “It’s okay Dean. It’s not your fault. I still love you.”

He knows Cas will wake up. And when he does, he will do his damnest to do whatever to make Cas happy. He will stay with Cas no matter what happens with him. He never wants to see the hurt look in Cas’ face ever again. He will cut his hours at his garage and start to spend time with him, spoiling him with food, kisses, affection and love. But for now, he is going to stay beside Cas, holding his hands, saying, “I love you too, Cas. And I will wait for you, love.”

~fin

[squirrel-moose-winchester]

Chapter 19

Pairing: Dean x Reader AU

Word Count: 1844

Summary: With October ending and the holidays underway, that only meant one thing for Dean Winchester. It meant returning to his childhood home and spending time with his family. It meant listening to his parents, especially his mom, ramble on and on about when he was going to find himself a nice girl, bring her home for the holidays, and then eventually get married and have children.  However, Dean wasn’t ready for that sort of commitment, so in order to get his family off his back, he comes up with an elaborate scheme! But like the saying goes, “sometimes lies become truths.”

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Some brotherly teasing.

A/N: Back to the angst again! But don’t worry... it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. I just hope it doesn’t disappoint. I know the build up was... intense, but i just hope you like it. Thanks for the support and sticking with me! I appreciate it so much! You guys are amazing! Love you all!! xx

The tension in the air was thick and everyone seemed to be on edge. There was an elephant in the room and it made the everything almost claustrophobic. You and Dean shared looks before shifting to Sam and Jess, the four of you communicating silently. Yeah… it was pretty uncomfortable, but no one knew how to begin to ask about what Mary wanted to tell Dean.

John was nonchalantly sipping his coffee while reading the daily paper, while Mary was busying herself by cleaning the kitchen. It made you wonder what exactly Mary had to tell Dean that was so important that he had to leave right after his classes were done. Was Mary hesitating because what ever it was had something to do with you?

Oh god… this was about you… what else could it be?

“I’m sorry,” you blurted. Everyone’s eyes fell on you, not quite understanding why you were apologizing. “I never meant to lie to you or to anyone!” You clenched your eyes shut, lowering your chin to your chest, unable to make eye contact. Dean’s eyes widened when he finally realized what you were going on about.

“Y/N, don’t. Relax,” Dean tried.

“Don’t tell me to relax,” you whisper-yelled, boring your eyes into his before turning your attention to your small audience. “It started out as a fake relationship, but eventually I found out that I’ve always been in love with Dean. Always. And I am so sorry. I hope you would forgive me. I didn’t mean to…”

“Easy, sweetheart,” John’s baritone voice soothed, “calm down, breathe. Tell us what you’re talking about.”

“It’s—it’s nothing,” Dean spoke for you.

“What do you mean—fake relationship?” Sam queried, his interest peaked.

Dean glared at his brother, who shrugged in response. Dean sighed knowing it was too late to turn back now. “Uh… well…” He didn’t know what to say. That was a secret he was hoping to keep to his grave.

“Dean?” Mary dropped her cleaning supplies and moved to the table, taking the empty seat between her husband and youngest. “What fake relationship?” This time her eyes shifted from Dean’s to yours, before back to his. Even John had set his morning paper down on the table waiting for an explanation.

“We’re waiting,” John stated, his domineering voice made you jump.

It was that moment that you began to reconsidered that maybe telling the truth wasn’t such a good idea, but it was too late. Dean slid his hand into yours under the table, giving you some sort of comfort and also seeking comfort from you too. Your grip tightened around his, finger intertwined while you tried to steady yourself and not think about how you had not only opened a can of worms, you picked it up and smashed it all over the floor.

“I lied to you…” you started just as Dean opened his mouth to speak. There was no turning back now. “And I’m sorry.”

“Honey, what are you talking about?” Mary asked, her voice soft and soothing. It held not a single ounce of anger, but you could tell she was confused. Everyone was.

“Thanksgiving. Me and Dean… we lied about being a couple.” All eyes were zeroed in on you and the silence was like knives slowing digging into you. You wanted Dean’s family to like you. You wanted them to accept you. You wanted to be a part of them, but now, you most likely lost all their trust. “I’m sorry. I wished I’d hadn’t lied to all of you. You probably don’t trust me any more and want to kick me out of your family—” Your voice cracked and tears started slowly rolling down your cheeks.

You had never really experience a family like this one. Yours was a disaster. And now you were going to lose the one family you wanted. And if Dean’s family hated you, you were sure that you were going to lose Dean too.

Dean wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close, as you buried your face into his chest. Sam was the only one in the family that knew about your past. Sam was Dean’s go-to when he talked about his college life and his friends. Sam knew about Castiel and his family, he knew about Benny who was born and raised in Louisiana, he heard all of Dean’s rants on their cousin Jo, Sam knew a lot.

“Hey, Y/N…” Sam spoke, “we would never kick you out of our family. You’re one of us now. Besides, you and Dean… it’s all real now, right?”

“Yeah, Sammy. It’s all real now,” Dean answered for you.

No one noticed, but John grinned, inwardly proud of his growing family. His kids may be idiots, but still, he was proud. Sam’s found his counterpart, and Dean’s found an honest woman that loved him.

“Well, as long as it’s real now, I don’t see the problem,” John stood from his seat and walking over to you and Dean, placing a hand on your head, softly stroking your hair. “Now stop cry Princess, it’s breaking my heart. When it comes to family, sometimes we fight, sometimes we lie, and sometimes we run away, but at the end of the day, we somehow find a way to make it right. You might have lied, but look at you now. You’ve told us the truth. It’s all going to be okay. We’re not mad. We’re glad. You’re honest, and that’s a respectable trait.”

Dean and Sam were shocked. They had never seen their father so gentle before, other than with their mom. Mary and Jess on the other hand smiled. Mary knew the man John was, and Jess could now see where Sam and Dean got their soft side from. Not from Mary, but John. It was a beautiful family moment.

“Honey,” Mary got out of her seat, planting herself on the little space left on your chair, pulling you into her arms. You hugged her tight. “We love you. And just as John said, you’re a part of this family now. The second I saw you with my son for the first time, I knew you were the one for him. It might had been fake to you and Dean, but to all of us… what we saw was not pretend. It was love. What would have made me angry is if you didn’t end up with my boy. But you did, and I plan to keep you as my daughter for the rest of my life.”

Your heart was overflowing. So much so, that you couldn’t stop crying. Even Dean was starting to get misty-eyed. “Dude! You’re not gonna cry are you?” Sam directed at Dean.

“Shut up!” Dean hissed.

Everyone in the room laughed, you included. All the weight fell off your shoulders and it was bliss. You were overjoyed to know that everyone had forgiven you, and that they were still welcoming you with open arms. This was a family you never wanted to lose.

“Seeing the support of our family, I think now is a good time to give Dean the news. Dean might need us. And with Y/N here, I know he’ll be in good hands.”

Everyone looked up at John. You might have cleaned up then can of worms you opened, but the elephant was still standing there and needed to be addressed. What could it be? If it wasn’t about you lying, then what? More importantly… why was the news for Dean and not everyone? Why would he need comfort from us? Was it going to be bad? You had no idea what to expect. No one did.

“What is it?” Dean asked, taking you away from his mom and settling you in his lap, his arms securely fastening themselves around your middle, almost like a child clinging to their comfort toy.

Mary shared a quick look with John before she motioned him over to something on the counter. All eyes were glued to John as he rummaged through a small drawer, pulling out a large manila folder. You could feel Dean’s heartbeat pulsing against your back – he was nervous, and you were nervous for him.

After John handed Mary the envelop, John took a few steps back, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over his chest. Mary held the envelop in question against her body, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath. When she opened them, they held a certain strength and determination. She was fearless, most likely trying to be strong for her family, but mostly strong for her son.

“First off, I don’t know if this will be a good or bad thing for you, but just know, we’re here for you. All of us.” No one understood what Mary was talking about, but we all just nodded in agreement anyways.

“If you’re going to tell me that Sam was adopted, I already know,” Dean joked, a defense mechanism of his.

“What?!” you and Jess asked, shocked and believing.

“Dean!” John and Sam reprimanded.

“This is not a joking matter,” John snapped.

“Alright, I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous I guess. I mean why is this news just for me and not for all of us?” He asked. “Wait… are you trying to tell me that I was adopted?!” Fear instantly flooded his entire body and his grip around your waist tightened more, but not enough to be uncomfortable.

“You didn’t know?” Sam teased back.

“Sammy,” John cautioned, but the youngest Winchester just huffed, crossing his arms and falling back on his chair. Jess scowled at him and Sam quickly settled down.

Mary gave her boys and exhausted glare, shaking her head slightly in frustration. “Dean, you are not adopted. You boys are mine and John’s and I’ve the got videos to prove it. I’ve just got some information to show you.” Mary placed the envelop face down and passed it to Dean.

Dean picked it up, instantly noting the address name. Both your eye brows furrowed when you saw where it came from. 

Lawrence Memorial Hospital.

“The hell?” Dean thought out loud before turning the envelop over to get to the flap. Sam fixated his vision on the address to confirm that it was the same manila envelop he had seen before, and it was. It was the same exact one.

“What is it?” Sam asked eagerly. John gave his son a hard stare making Sam recline back into his seat for the second time. Jess took his hand in comfort.

Dean flipped the flap open and pulled out a few papers, just enough to read a few lines at a time. As you read along with him, your stomach flipped. While Dean started hard at the information given, you looked up, meeting John’s stare first, then going down the line to Sam, Jess, and then Mary, who was still sitting in your seat.

“He—” you started, but you couldn’t finish what you were going to say.

“Ben’s not mine—” Dean muttered.

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Say Something Nice Here!

[verobatto]

War decision/Heart decision

The break-up of TFW

Supernatural 14x19 "Jack in the box" meta/spoiler alert

Hello my dear Fandom. How are you?? I'm here with the second meta from this episode, you can read the first part here. I hope you enjoy this it took me a little of investigation and stuffs...

Ok... Things are getting wild and... Idk what they are doing people, really... I will just present to you the evidence as always with a little spec that I think I'm not the one thinking about it... Is just a painful equation with the clues we have till now. Ok. Let's start this trip...

Castiel is in a Holy Mission

Castiel, being an angel of the Lord, keeps his mission and his promises, as i talked in my first meta. To ANY COST. I want you to keep that in mind. Ok? Sobbing...

Castiel's mission is his promise to Kelly, so from the beginning, he marks the limit. He won't hurt Jack. He will help him and guide him.

But he asks for help to Heaven, and there's Dumah. Dumah is behaving weird, but not so. Beacuse she is on charge now, and the power of being the chief, corrupts. But Castiel didn't know about her intentions first.

And what was Dumah looking for? She wanted to find the Nephilim and control him, control his powers... By using a very manipulative speech, as AUMichael and Lucifer did. But she was successful. Beacuse she smartly used Sam and Dean's names with him. And the innocent child fell for it.

And then, she used him to PURIFY EARTH, by killing innocents... But pay attention to the three heaven punishments they mentioned in this episode...

Lot's wife became a pillar of salt. (Gen. 19:26)

Lot and his wife lived next to Abraham lands, but Lot hated Sodoma because they were sinners and bad people. Then one day an angel of the Lord ask Lot to take his family with them and to run and to don't look behind because God was about to burn Sodoma and Gomorra because he was tired of them. So Lot did as the angel said, they run away, but his wife disobeyed and look behind, and immediately became a pillar of salt. The lesson here: God saves the obedient and punishes the disobedient.

The man who received this punishment was writing about how Church lies. So against the Church Holy mission.

Core and his family eaten by the earth. (Num. 16:31)

Gore and his family rebelled against God and Moises, so God talked with Moises asking him to take the rest of the people and stay away from Core's tend. He did as God said, and immediately the land broke and devoured Core, and his family, and the tend with all their things.

The lesson: Those who don't listen to God will be hardly punished.

In this case was a woman who said miracles are lies.

King Herodes is eaten by worms (Hech. 12:23)

An angel of the Lord released Peter from jail, and king Herodes ordered to kill the guards. The people was not agreed, and because he was playing to be God taking those decisions, an angel hurt him and the worms ate him.

The lesson: Those who trying to play God by deciding who dies and who lives, receive the Heaven punishment.

Here the man who dies at the hospital was the good shepherd who lead the sheep's that we're stoñwn buenas Jack. And you can see in that scene being the priest, a pic about Jesus as the good shepherd.

Everytime it was an angel of the Lord who execute the Holy Mission, and this time who will receive the punishment by Castiel's hands??

Dean is suffering and taking hard decisions

Making use of his First Born duties and with the whole mess that he is feeling inside, Dean talked about his mom in front of that hunters. And he used jokes in his speech... Trying to say goodbye with a smile. But he is struggling inside with the pain. Jokes are a defense mechanism of avoidance too... But he says GOODBYE MOM anyway.

After this we had a violent entrance coming from AUBobby, who killed a monster in the middle of them with an axe... Remember what the axe represented? I talked about that in this post.

So the axe represents the JUDGMENT AND THE ANGER. So accurate with the following events in this episode and I guess it will be in the nest episode too, related with Dean's actions...

Sam asked Dean to stay with them to talk about Mary and Jack, and he didn't want to. He is avoiding again the pain of talk about his mom, about Jack.

Gif set credit @shirtlesssammy

But Sam and CAS knows Dean very well...they know he acts like this, trying to push his emotions very down inside of him. Even so, Castiel tried... Look at the angel's sad face full of pain and feeling guilt... Yes... Because they didn't talk yet about it. But Sam asked him to leave his brother because he needed time... So... He just makes that question ... And Dean answered in avoidance again.

And after this we had Dean crying alone in the woods... Handling with his own pain.

Then, Sam asked him how he felt... (Like Castiel asked him before) and he answered with another question not related to his feelings at all, but with Sam researching... Avoidance again.

Sam trying to comfort him with the speech that he must being repeating to himself to feel better about Mary's death. "She is in a better place", but Dean is furious "Angels are dicks." Same vibes from season 7 when he was talking with Kevin in the basement about angels... He was disappointed there with Castiel. But this time we had a parallel in this same episode with the man who didn't believe in angels and Heaven. And we know what happened there...

Then... Dean takes the war decision, the hard decision, and convinces Sammy to follow him. He build the speech Sammy has to use with Jack. He is asking Sam to lie. Sam isn't at all convinced but he goes his brother's directions anyway.

When Jack answered Sammy's prayers, using the word FAMILY, the one who gives the speech is the first born again, Dean. He contains his pain and anger when he had Jack in front of him. And he fullfil the plan.

He is hunting Jack... Because he is feeling the boy become a monster, and as I wrote in my first meta, he had told Jack in season 13 he will kill him if it was necessary.

This is a train of bad decisions... And we don't know where it leads... But... We had a lot of clues talking about "silver steak through the heart" as my friend @emblue-sparks and I had repeated a million of times since 14x06 Optimism when it first was mentioned... They repeated the same way to kill in 14x16, and in 14x17 we had this...

Gif credit @agusvedder

So... Is this foreshadowing the end??? Who will stop the sacrifice in the Moriah mountain in the morning at episode when Dean will try to kill Jack? Who will be the Heaven executor in Holly Mission??? I don't even want to think it...

And this...

Pic credit @weirddorkylittlediana remember Dean was walking in 14x17 surrended by this kind of yellow signs? And we related it with Sammy asking Dean to stop... Well... There's so many ways to finish this season I'm so scared...

Sam trying to do right but...

Sam is handling with pain as he can...

Gif credit @ohsamulet

Sammy is talking to himself here too. He knows his mom is happy with his dad in Heaven and that's a good way to let her go.

But after this Dean came with the plan and Sam just couldn't handle it. It was too much for him. First his mom, and now deceive Jack to lock him in the Mal'ak box for ever. A horrible eternity alone... The thing that made him lose it that time with his brother, now... He is listening again that horrible plan. He knows Jack is dangerous now, but he doesn't now the person who is making him doing those bad things.

And he is a dad too. He had raised that child so he can't believe how things are happening now. He is like frozen. Not thinking too much about it... Following his brother lead...

And he prays to Jack... And when he had Jack in front of him, innocently talking about "the accident", not having a reasonable view about that, he knows Jack is clueless, as always. And he can't talk... So Dean spoke for him. Dean said the words he was expecting from him to say it. And he followed his lead again. For Sammy should be like living again another nightmare... Not being able to wake up from the previous one.

And Jack entered inside the box. And now he felt the worst thing on Earth because that's not how Sam Winchester acts. He always find ANOTHER WAY. He is the one who KEEPS FIGHTING AND INVESTIGATING. Why not this time? Maybe because the pain of loosing his mother is overwhelming to him, and he can't think about another thing. He said I CAN'T STOP THINLING ABOUT MOM. So that's the thing. HE CAN'T THINK NOW ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

But when Castiel arrives... He breaks that nightmare and brought back Sam to reality.

As he did in 14x15...

Castiel looked at Sam searching for that Sam he knew. And he founded him. He was regretful and in pain.

How he will act in the next episode? Gah... Idk...

Jack and the mirrors

Jack is still alone, but he doesn't wanted to be anymore. He is regretful and he wants Mary back, right there, with him. He misses his family, and in the middle of that, Lucifer appears again. Trying to make him feel the same that AUMichael did with Dean and the Empty with Castiel...

Gif credit @deans-top-13-zepp-traxx

Yes, but Jack said DEAN MAKES MISTAKES TOO. Dean is his role model. He trust him.

The encounter between Jack and Dumah was particularly similar to Jack's encounter with Lucifer and AUMichael too. The manipulative speech, using Sam and Dean as an excuse, and the name of his mother, made him choose to follow her lead. And he committed horrendous crimes under Dumah twisted guidance.

The next step was to take control over Heaven .. as a new God...

Pic credit @empty-cass

We knew who had being sit in that throne before... One of them was Lucifer and maybe Godstiel too, so the parallel is very blantant. Any angelical being had twisted intentions. All of them except one...

Gif credit @faramaiofnerdwoodforest

And this happened in 13x19...

So... Jack doesn't have bad intentions... He is just like Castiel sitting there... And he has his mother essence inside of him...

And now amazingly making angels from people... That was weird Supernatural... But well... Good way to restore Heaven. Who wants to be an angel??

Another mirror was Jack inside the box... Afraid of being lonely calling desperately for his dad's... Dean mirror in 14x12 when he had that horrible nightmare...

And Lucifer strikes again... And this time because Jack was so afraid and he felt alone in that darkness... He listened him. And he released himself from that prison ...

I saw him talking in that Cemetery with Castiel, it looked like a cozy conversation between a dad and a son... And I liked it... Let's see what happen...

To conclude:

TFW members are right night in different pages. Mary's death is the central cause of the pain and bad choices.

Jack is innocent an manipulable... Very dangerous in wrong guidance, because he has not soul, so he just uses logic resolutions for problems.

Castiel is doing his own path by trying to find another way, and keeping his promise to Kelly.

Dean is angry and mourning his mom, trying to handle the pain, but stuck in his feelings, making bad choices.

I hope Sammy to wake up and to try to bring back his brother.

The end is near and I just can't stop thinking we are going to suffer horribly. Thanks a lot writers... Don't worry... I didn't need my heart anyway...

C-u later my friends!! 💕💕

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @mrsaquaman187 @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @agusvedder @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @castiellover20 @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @cheerstofandomfamily @drsilverfish @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @hippyatheart80 @anarchiana

Buenos Aires April 19th 2019 2:57 AM

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

4190300·01   D. Winchester

(I’m not actually sure about the number on the spine of the book, most digits are too blurry, but it doesn’t really matter...)

So, in yesterday’s post where I was asked my thoughts about what was in the book Billie handed Dean, I didn’t actually... talk about the content of the book. But I guess I should throw my two cents out since the speculation machine is surely in motion.

I’ve seen post yesterday expressing worry that Billie has basically offered Dean the “instructions” on how to get to the happy ending, but that’s exactly the opposite of what the scene is about, in my opinion. The first thing to remember about the books in Death’s office is that they’re about the ways you might die. Because, well, that’s the sphere - and scope - of Death.

The books simply describe (we don’t know in how much detail, but I don’t think they are too detailed, because I believe they don’t report circumstantial information that can just change depending on minor, relatively irrelevant choices - for instance, you can get to the “killed by red-headed witch” in a plethora of different circumstances depending on insubstantial accessory actions, so maybe there were two, ten, fifty, a hundred versions of that ending, not billions different ones where one only differ from the next for a tiny unimportant detail) the ways a person can die, not how you get there. If Dean had been reading up the previous versions of his books, he might have found that he might’ve been mauled to death by a ghoul in a cemetery, but not exactly the chain of actions that would have led him to be in that cemetery while a ghoul was living in it, you know?

Basically: this is not Stephen Strange seeing all the billions possible chains of events, but Death knowing the possible endings.

That’s why Dean asks what he’s supposed to do with the information he’s read, and why Billie answer that it’s up to him. There is no already-fixed chain of events that mechanically (deterministically...) led to that one specific scenario. There’s no Dr Strange that can put things in motion like he’s seen -- there’s Billie showing Dean that a certain scenario is possible, but it’s one of... millions? billions?, and in all the others it doesn’t happen.

Dean doesn’t know how that ending can happen, and Death doesn’t either. In fact, I think it’s important to remember that Death only knows the possible endings, not the entirety of the journey there. That’s partly the reason why both Deaths seem to never really give clear information/advice... Death isn’t omniscient, Death can see a “big picture” but that big picture is made of endings. Because this isn’t a deterministic universe, but a choose-your-own-adventure story that has a plethora of different endings but the entire middle is up to you. This is why Death has chosen to take “a calculated risk”.

So, what do I think is in the book? Well, we know it cannot be a random death. Ghoul, witch, car accident, E.coli after Trump takes away all food regulations - none of those are on the table anymore, because if we’re talking about one (1) ending scenario, then it’s not random. I believe it’s either natural death or being killed in a very specific scenario for a specific reason.

But also: this is Dean Winchester. How many times has he rewritten fate? How many times he has realized one ending, but then simply went back to life? Of course, at this point we’re in a sort of narrative bottleneck, because once you have introduced a “one in a million possibilities” situation, storytelling rules sort of dictate that you have to make that happen instead of pulling out another possibility out of nowhere, but it’s also true that this is Supernatural, this is Dean Winchester, and messing up the order of the cosmos is what he does - I mean, he already has gotten his entire death book collection rewritten by playing with one alternate reality... I’m not saying he’s going to cause the books to be rewritten again soon (narratively, it would be wonky) but depending on how many seasons we still have and how long the Michael issue is going to last, there could be a rewriting after the Michael issue is solved, as the Winchesters mess up with the cosmos in a new way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(On a slightly unrelated note, I want Dean at some point to say, don’t blame me for messing up the universe, because my life is messed up and I’m doing my best to navigate in it, and I don’t think I’ve made a bad job considering the circumstances.)

So, the book. Is it a happy ending of sorts? It’s likely. Dean looks extremely vulnerable there. What’s more powerful than Dean knowing that he has a chance to happiness - more than “the dream”, more than what he dares imagining when he has to picture a good life, but an actual chance of a real happiness, the one he doesn’t even dare to dream - and that that chance is a tiny little possibility in an ocean of horrible ones that all send him straight into what’s essentially just the latest model of that original fate someone else decided to forcefully stick him into long time ago?

Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? Michael takes over his body and destroys the world because he wants to catch up to God. Different accessory circumstances, but essentially the same picture as the scenario of the original apocalypse. The spiral goes and goes... and it will only stop when they manage to solve the problem in an authentic way, not locking the problem up like God does (Amara, Leviathan, Lucifer...), like trauma tends to make you do.

In season 5, they tried to solve the problem by locking the two archangels in the cage, and it didn’t work. Then they tried to lock the two archangels in the apocalypse world, and it didn’t work. Locking Michael in a mental cage won’t work either. The spiral will keep turning unless they find an effective, real solution. Forget keys and locks.

But I’m digressing. Dean looks surprised, shocked, and scared in that sort of childlike, raw way of his. So, yes, I think it’s likely that what he’s reading is a scenario of happiness. Real happiness. (My reading of the Dabb era is that its foundational theme is reality, so you’ll always find the word “real” when I make this kind of analyses). The way he calls the bar illusion “the dream” is another case of dramatic irony, because it is a dream, but also because it is just not real in a more profound sense. Dean’s real happy scenario is something he doesn’t even dare dream.

Just like the narrative is pushing Cas towards the point where he has to acknowledge and face the conditions of his happiness, it makes sense that Dean would also be pushed in a parallel direction. And of course being presented with this kind of knowledge would leave Dean shaken, just like the Empty situation is an allegory for Cas’ own complicated relationship with emotional accomplishment. Cas cannot let himself be happy, or he’ll be dragged away to nothingness... it’s an allegory for the fear of acknowledging what you want, because if you can’t have it, then you would be in even more pain.

Dean won’t let himself pursue what would make him happy because he believes that it’s unachievable, so he doesn’t let himself acknowledge what would make him happy - otherwise he’d suffer for the unattainability of it. But what if Billie has shown him that it is attainable, even by a tiny, tiny chance? The castle of cards of his own defenses crumbles.

Unlike what Sam seems to believe, Dean doesn’t thrive on trauma - he has built a complex castle of defenses and mechanisms that allow him to thrive despite the trauma. Yes, trauma makes him alert... sure, John’s drill-sergeant upbringing has made his sons into exceptional warriors, which has been more than useful to them in their lives. But that’s not really what has made them into them. That’s not what has made Dean strong. That’s something uniquely Dean that uses the tools offered by his traumatic past, but does not end there.

In order to reach happiness, Dean has to let go of the defenses that keep happiness away from him. One of those defenses is not allowing himself to acknowledge (to himself, to others) what he wants, what would make him really happy, because that would just bring him more pain, the pain of unattainability.

It would be interesting if indeed Death were basically forcing him to perform that acknowledgement - again, I don’t think the book contains information about how to be happy, how to deal with his trauma in a way that is kinder to himself. I don’t think the book says what Dean wants. But it’s possible that what he’s read places Dean in a position where he has to face that. After all, Michael’s role in the narrative is to reveal what characters (and everyone else is just a mirror for Dean, but also Cas because their narratives are running in parallel) want, and Billie’s reveal is happening because of Michael’s presence.

It would make sense that Michael is just a device, and that Dean actually learns the lesson he needs to learn with an initial nudge from Death, and then his own emotional labor (“that’s up to you”), because that’s what Dean has done multiple times. Death helps him learn how to live - it is poetic. (Dean is Death and Life at the same time after all, Light and Darkness, Humanity and Divinity... Dean is a structurally dualistic character, but I’m digressing.)

And now, I’ll end this post with a note that this is speculation and I could be dead wrong about the book, it’s a possibility I’ve explored, but I believe that the general thematic points stand.

[lr-supernaturaladdict]

Abomination Ch. 11

Summary: What happens when the girl sent by the king of hell falls in love with the Winchester who refuses to love. What happens when she gets rejected by the older Winchester and she releases her inner demons. What’ll happen when the boys find out shes really a demon/angel hybrid after only finding out herself shortly before. Even being raised by the king of hell to know you were at least half demon didn’t prepare you for the roller coaster of loving and hating Dean Winchester. You only just begun to realize how much of an abomination you really were.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10

Chapter 11: Confrontation

Word Count: 4982

Warnings: Strong Language

Images of the people you loved continued to race through your blurry mind. All of them going from good memories to gory bloodbaths, always ending in you covered in someone's blood. You knew you were still trapped in your own mind, there’s no way that these things could be real. You hated not knowing how long you were out of it for, not knowing what was happening in the world around you. The last conscious memory you had was Castiel telling you he loved you, and then everything went black. You hated yourself for not responding to him before everything happened. The truth was, you didn’t know if you were truly in love with him. You loved him, of course you did, but you also loved Sam and Dean. After everything happened with all of them, you shut off most of your emotions. It was a defense mechanism and you knew it but you wanted to stop hurting, but you also didn’t want to hurt them. Though, you wanted nothing more then just to turn off your humanity and let the darkness consume you.

You sat in an empty field picking at the dead grass in front of you. This was your only solace from all of the terrible things you saw. You didn’t know exactly who Amara was and why she had an interest in you, but every image you had contained pieces of information from her or about her. She was the darkness and apparently Gods sister, which you had a hard time believing. The thing you had the hardest time believing was that she was trapped in the mark. She was apparently the reason you were born, at least that’s what your doppleganger told you after she slaughtered everyone. Each day their deaths were different, you had just relived Sam's head being ripped off of his body. To say it was disgusting was an understatement.

You sighed softly and picked at a clover you found. “I don’t understand,” you huffed out softly.

“You know, sitting around denying the truth is just delaying the inevitable,” you heard your own voice say.

“Just leave me alone. You’d think torturing me as much as you have would have been enough,” you growled.

She sat down in front of you and smirked viciously. “You know, there’s some more things we should discuss.”

“Not interested,” you ignored her.

She laid her head in your lap and looked up at you with black eyes. “Oh come on angel,” she chuckled softly when you glared at her. “I’m hilarious.”

“What do you want?” you sneered at her as she sat back up.

“Well, figured I’d share some more interesting information with you,” she grinned mischievously, the black holes of her eyes looking at you.

“Okay, so share and leave,” you huffed in annoyance.

“Now now, no need to get hostile (Y/N),” she tsked at you.

“I’ve been trapped in my own mind for who the fuck knows how long, watching people I care about get murdered over and over again. I don’t care if I’m hostile, spill and get lost,” you crossed your arms over your chest.

“Okie dokie,” she paused and thought for a moment. “Well, if you haven’t realized, I’m you.”

“You’re a figment of my imagination,” you rolled your eyes.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” she smiled. “I’m the other part of you, the evil part. I was kind of dormant for like ever, but with Amara being set free by those morons, so am I. Well, only as free as you let me be, although I have had some guest appearances.”

“What do you mean?” you furrowed your brow.

She shrugged. “Whenever you accessed your demonic abilities you were harnessing my power, when you got your angelic grace though, that’s all you. You could almost say that you have a multiple personality disorder.”

“I don’t understand,” you looked down at your lap.

“Let me put this to you clearly then,” she clapped her hands together. “When we were born, daddy Gabriel locked away your grace. However, he knew about there being two of us in our gorgeous head, so he locked me away.”

“Conceited much?” you looked at her skeptically. “There’s no way that’s possible.”

“Honey, you’re a demon and an angel. I think everything is possible at this point,” she pointed at you. “Now, I just need you to do me a huge favor and turn that humanity switch off. That’s the only thing keeping me from taking over your body. Plus, by the looks of it you don’t really want to go back out there. You’re not just in a love triangle but a love square,” she laughed loudly.

“What?” you scoffed. “You forget, I’ve seen everything you have. They are all practically in love with you, even ol’ Dean-o. But you’ve been whoring around and now you can’t choose,” she pouted at you. “Pour little Sam has been following you around like a lost puppy since you met,” she smirked. “Dean has been fighting his feelings for you from the start. I mean fucking some slut he met in a bar, that was just a tantrum he had because he couldn’t come to terms,” she stood and began to circle around you. “And dear ol’ Castiel, that sweet clueless angel. He’s been at your beck and call since you first called him Cassie.”

“Shut up,” you growled.

“Make,” she laughed. “Me.”

You growled and quickly jumped to your feet. “You forget who is the stronger species here,” you flashed your eyes bright blue. Your grace was weaker in here then it was in reality, most likely being from your two parts being split. You had angelic grace while she held all of the demonic powers. It was a good thing that angels held more power over demons. “I am tired of you tormenting me in my own fucking head,” you snarled and quickly grabbed her neck tightly. “Enough.”

She just laughed and smiled smugly. “Even if you wanted to, can’t kill me without killing yourself in the process. We’re one person sweetheart, whether you like it or not. We will become what Amara wants us too. I was just trying to cushion the blow for what’s to come. Gabriel shielded you from the truth when I knew the entire time. You won’t be able to resist her (Y/N/N).”

“I will never become what you want,” you hissed and lifted her off the ground, holding firmly still on her neck. “I will not take any more of this, you hear me. You made the mistake of pissing me off,” you threw her to the ground, hard. The moment her head hit the ground you felt your own spin and you fell to your knees, blacking out.

…

“How long has she been out?” Crowley looked at Castiel, concerned etched into his features.

“A few days, ever since the darkness was released,” he responded, looking down at your still motionless form.

“And why am I just hearing this, you giraffe,” Crowley growled at the angel.

Castiel pursed his lips before looking at the demon on the other side of you. “Because Sam and Dean don’t know about her yet,” he hardened his eyes at the shorter man. “They just left to go get supplies.”

“How exactly do you know about her then?” Crowley raised his eyebrow.

“She told me everything, and the fact you raised her. Which I do not wish to go into right now,” he answered as he looked back down at you, his face softening.

“You look a little too comfortable with her,” Crowley accused.

Castiel cleared his throat and turned his head to look out a nearby window. “I care very deeply for her. I have looked after her all these months and we have grown closer.”

“I see,” Crowley nodded. “Well, I am very pissed that I haven’t heard from her in months and the first thing I hear about her is that she’s practically in a coma,” he looked down at you and ran has hand across your cheek. “She may not be biologically mine, but she’s the one thing in existence I actually care about. If any of you morons hurt her, I will show you tortures you can’t even imagine.”

Castiel nodded. “Did you know she was part angel?”

“What?” Crowley scoffed.

“She’s part angel,” Castiel turned his head and looked back at Crowley. “Her father was Gabriel.”

“You bloody idiot,” he huffed. “You broke the seal to her grace didn’t you?”

“So you did know,” before either of them could say another word your eyes fluttered open and you groaned. “Honeybee?” Castiel was at your side in an instant.

“Cas?” you groaned out, blurrily looking up at your angel.

“I’m here,” he whispered and put his hand on your cheek.

Crowley scoffed at the interaction. “Of course.”

You turned your head towards his voice. “Daddy?” you sobbed and reached your hand out to him.

His face instantly softened and he sat on the other side of the bed not currently occupied by Castiel. “Hello my darling,” he smiled gently at you.

“What happened?” you looked at both men who shared a strange look.

“You don’t remember?” Castiel asked.

“The last thing I remember was being with you,” you paused not wanting to finish because of your father sitting by.

Crowley gave Castiel a dirty look before placing his hand over yours. “Darling, you’ve been out for days.”

“What?” you furrowed your brow and tried to sit up, only to be stopped by both men.

“It’s not wise for you to get up just yet,” Castiel said sternly.

You looked up into his eyes and a flashback of watching him die violently pushed it’s way into your vision. “Castiel,” you whimpered. Looking to your father another image played of his eyes being burnt from his skull. “Oh god,” you gripped your head tightly as tears streamed down your cheeks. “Make it stop.”

“Make what stop?” Crowley asked with his eyebrows raised.

The sound of your own laugh rang through your ears along with the cries of the mean being murdered. “Make it stop,” you yelled and covered your ears. The moment you closed your eyes you felt your body being moved, you knew instantly that you transported somewhere.

Opening your eyes you looked around cautiously. Trees surround you and you were sitting in a small open area of the dense forest. “Well shit,” you huffed.

Standing on shaky legs, you brushed the dirt that had somehow managed to get on you. You ran your hand through your hair and sighed, this was not good. Having no idea where you were, you tried searching your body for your phone. Only to realize you didn’t even have pants on. You furrowed your brows and looked down at yourself. “How could I not feel the coolness of the grass on my bare skin?” you spoke to yourself. You were only wearing a long flannel and panties. The shirt must have been Sams, knowing all too well how big his shirts were on you.

Crossing your arms you decided to start walking around the forest to see if you could find a road. Eventually you started feeling the rocks and sticks cut into your bare feet, but it didn’t hurt as much as it once would have. You internally groaned, something must have been up with your senses.

You had been walking for what feels like hours until you finally found something. An old park ranger tower sat in the middle of an opening between trees. Nodding to yourself you pictured yourself inside, as soon as you blinked and opened your eyes you were in.

It was run down and you could tell it hadn’t been used for quite a long time. There were a few lockers up against one of the walls and a table with what looked like the radio the one opposite of it. Walking over to the lockers you decided to check to see if there were any left over clothes. Opening one of them you groaned loudly when you realized there wasn’t anything in there.

“Try the one all the way to the right,” you heard someone say behind you, in a voice very similar to your own.

You did as the voice said and found a pair of cover all. Shrugging you decided it was the best it was gonna get. You slipped it on and tied the arms around your waist before digging through the locker, finding a pair of boots. Grabbing them you slammed the locker shut and turned towards the voice. “Wasn’t it bad enough tormenting me in my own mind? Now I’m seeing things,” you growled, looking at yourself.

She shrugged and sat on the table that held the radio. “Well,” she slurred out. “What else do I have to do? I’m trapped in our head, remember?”

Huffing out in response you made your way over to a chair that sat in a corner of the room. Sitting down heavily you began to put the boots on. “Any idea where I’m at?” you asked as you tied the shoelaces

“Somewhere in the wood,” she shrugged and looked at her fingernails. You gave her a dirty look when you stood back up, looking out the windows. “How am I supposed to know?”

“You seem to know everything so, thought I’d ask,” you sneered at her.

“Why don’t you get on the radio, call the angel?” she raised an eyebrow at you, crossing her legs. “I’m sure he’d come get you, maybe have a little fun in the process,” you sneered at her as she leaned back on her arms.

“I can’t look at any of them without seeing the shit you planted in my brain, so not a chance,” you crossed your arms and continued to look over the vast landscape.

She shrugged and kicked her legs against the table. “Just an idea, princess.”

“Don’t call me that,” you turned your head to give her a dirty look. “What do you want?”

“I want you to give in to your darkest desires (Y/N/N), I’ve seen everything you’ve seen. I know you want to, just flip that humanity switch and the pain will all be over. You won’t have to worry about loving anyone or choosing who you want to be with anymore,” she smirked at you. “Plus, I’m bored. My little cage in your minds broken so I can have a little more free range.”

“Doesn’t mean I want you here,” you paused and walked to the other side of the building, looking at the mountains in the background. “I’m not going to give you what you want, I’m not stupid.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” she snickered. “You really want to find out where you are, summon the angel or something. Worst case you see his death again, at least you won’t be lost.”

“I could just fly back there,” you glared at her.

“Ah, yes. I forgot you can teleport,” she nodded her head. “Why not just fly somewhere else then?”

“I want to be alone,” you sneered and looked back out at the mountains.

“Secluding yourself isn’t going to help you know,” she pursed her lips. “Believe me, I know. I was secluded in there for a very long time.”

“Don’t care,” you rested your hands against the window ledge and watched as birds flew overhead.

“Not to mention,” she leaned forwards and rested her elbows on her knees. “You have to confront those pesky Winchesters eventually. Especially before Castiel or Daddy dearest blabs. Can’t just disappear sweetheart, they may know about you. But I guarantee that they won’t believe much of anything. You were in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and the only way to get out that fast would be to be teleported. And the only person they knew could was Castiel, they don’t know about Crowley.”

You growled softly. “Fine, then I just won’t go back.”

“Bullshit, you’ll go back. You care about them too much not to. Especially since you already lost that nerdy redheaded lesbian,” she chuckled softly.

You moved to her quickly, throwing her to the ground. “You may be a hallucination but you do not get to talk about Charlie. At all,” you snarled as you put your foot over her neck. “I want you gone.”

“Suit yourself,” she choked out before snapping her fingers, disappearing from your sight. Your foot fell to the ground with a loud thud.

You groaned loudly and gripped the table tightly. How dare she bring any of them up, especially Charlie. Clenching your teeth you threw the radio of the table, shattering it into pieces when it hit the floor. Grabbing the table you lifted it and brought it down quickly, breaking the legs under it completely off. You threw the table top at one of the windows, effectively breaking it into pieces as the table flew out of it.

Screaming loudly you ran to the lockers, ripping them off of the wall, before collapsing in the middle of the room. So many thoughts ran through your head. ‘Why am I so weak?’ ‘Why can’t I protect the ones I love?’ ‘I should be dead, not her.’

Breathing heavily you ran both hands through your hair. You knew she was right, one of them would tell the Winchesters. You were in fact dangerous, even if you never acted out and did something bad, you had the power to hurt people. That’s what they did, they hunted things and saved people. If you became one of the things that needed to be put down, nothing would stop them. Crowley may try to keep you safe but what happens if she was right about the visions, you couldn’t afford to risk hurting anyone.

Crawling over to the door of the room you pressed your face against it. “Fuck,” you breathed out. Clenching your eyes shut the image of your father lying dead in front of you came back. “NO,” you screamed and beat your hands against the door, cracking it in the process. “Stop, please,” you sobbed. “You won’t break me,” you whispered as you opened your eyes and placed both hands against the door. You had to tell Castiel, he may be the only one who could help you.

Sitting back on your heels and taking one more deep breath you prayed to him. “Castiel, can you hear me?”

Almost immediately he responded. “Honeybee? Where are you?” he sounded frantic.

“I don’t know,” you sobbed out loud. “But I need to speak to you.”

“Of course, just come back to the cabin,” he said relieved.

“I-I can’t,” you stuttered out. “I need you to meet me somewhere, alone. Please.”

“Okay,” he paused. “Where do you want me to go?”

“Meet me at a motel in Giddings, Texas. I will let you know which one,” you paused. “Don’t tell the boys, or even Crowley.”

“Then what do you suppose I tell them, they’re all worried sick.”  

“Tell them you’re out looking for me or something. Don’t tell them we talked or where you’re going. They can’t know, not yet anyways. Just, please,” you pleaded with him.

You heard him sigh. “Fine, but you will be the one to tell them when the time comes. They are going mad trying to figure out where you would go.”

Sighing out loud you answered. “Thank you, I will see you soon.”

You closed your eyes ready to fly there when you heard his response. “Be safe,” you smiled slightly before flying to the small town of Giddings, Texas.

…

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Dean asked angrily, following Castiel to the front door of the cabin.

“To look for (Y/N),” he sighed heavily before turning back to look at the eldest Winchester.

“Do you have an idea where she is?” Deans face instantly softened at the idea of knowing where you went. “I mean, Sam and I have been looking everywhere around the cabin, she couldn’t have gotten far.”

Castiel nodded at him before looking to the ground. He knew that Dean still cared for you deeply, maybe even loved you, especially with the mark gone. Dean looked helpless with not knowing where you were and he felt horrible for keeping the information from his friend, but he promised you. “I do not know where she is, but I know that I can look a lot faster then you and Sam would be able to.”

Dean seemed to think about it for a moment before looking at the angel skeptically. “So you’re just going to walk around the area looking for her?”

“I would fly,” he said flatly.

Dean nodded and moved closer to his friend. “It’s a couple hours to drive to town from here, even further when walking. You sure she didn’t have help going anywhere?”

“I do not understand what you are asking,” he tilted his head and squinted at Dean.

“I’m asking if you flew her somewhere else,” he sneered. “I get it, you two are a thing or something now. But you have no right to hide her from me or Sammy,” he glared at the angel.

Castiel swallowed thickly. “I did not take her anywhere, I do not know where she is Dean,” he said gruffly.

“Well it sure looks like you know something,” he paused and pursed his lips. “I’m coming with you.”

“No,” Castiel answered quickly.

“You sure you’re not lying to me Cas? You’re a pretty horrible liar,” Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

“That is not true, I once deceived you and Sam,” Castiel held his hands at his sides.

“Don’t remind me,” he huffed. “I’m going with you. Shouldn’t be a problem if you’re not lying to me, plus we can take baby. Since she couldn’t have gotten far.”

“I do not have time for this,” Castiel growled and turned away from Dean. He opened the door and walked out, only to be followed by the insatiable Dean Winchester. “Go back inside Dean.”

“What are you keeping from me Cas?” Dean yelled as he ran in front of the angel, placing a hand out to stop him.

“I can’t tell you,” he responded back, quickly moving past Dean.

“Why?”

“Because she asked me not to,” he looked back at Dean and glared. “And after what you did to her, I don’t blame her.”

“That wasn’t me,” he paused before Castiel began walking again. “Okay it was,” he ran to catch up to the angel. “But it wasn’t, it was the mark.”

“She will tell you when she’s ready Dean,” Castiel stopped abruptly when he heard your prayer. Motel 6, room 32. “Dean, I have to go,” he looked at the other man.

“I’m going with you,” he placed his hand on Castiels shoulder and gripped tightly. “Or I’ll track you and get there anyways, this would just be faster.”

“Fine,” he answered back gruffly, knowing you would be pissed. Surely what you needed wouldn’t be that bad though, right. He sighed and prayed to you. “I’m sorry Honeybee.”

“Awesome,” Dean smirked. “Let’s go,” Castiel nodded to him and in the blink of an eye they were no longer at the cabin.

…

You paced around your crummy motel room impatiently. You wish that you could have went to a nicer place but you could only get so much money from hustling someone in a bar nearby. He caught on quickly to what you were doing, so you had to flee.

Sighing you ran your hand through your hair and sat heavily on the single bed. “Hurry up Cas.”

Almost immediately you heard the familiar knock on the door. Getting up quickly you hurried to answer. What you thought would be a happy sight filled you with dread, seeing not only your angel, but the older Winchester as well.

“Hello, (Y/N),” Castiel greeted roughly, you could see the sympathetic look on his face. You knew Dean didn’t give him much of a choice when he left.  

“Cas,” you moved your gaze for the blue eyed angel to the green eyed hunter. “Dean.”

“Hey, sweetheart,” Dean smiled gently at you. Something that you definitely didn’t expect from him.

You moved out of the way to let them inside, looking at the ground as they moved. Without looking up you grabbed Castiels arm and pulled him closer to you. Making sure to whisper so Dean couldn’t hear you. “Why is he here, he can’t be here right now.”

Castiel looked at his friend before looking at you. “He wouldn’t let me leave unless he came with me, he doesn’t know how you left or what’s going on.”

You nodded and released the angel, sighing heavily. “So, I guess you guys found me,” you laughed dryly.

Dean looked around the room before resting his gaze on you. His eyes held more softness in them then you ever remember being there, he looked tired and upset. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “Where is here anyways?”

You swallowed the lump that formed in your throat. “Texas. Giddings to be exact.”

His eyebrows shot up in surprise and he looked directly at Castiel. “You brought her to Texas? What the hell Cas?” he yelled at his friend.

“I didn’t do anything,” Castiel growled at Dean defensively. “She was still healing, I wouldn’t have let her go anywhere.”

“Then how the fuck is she here? She can’t just fly like you or teleport like Crowley,” he growled back, before looking at you. “Did Crowley bring you here?”

You shook your head from side to side before shutting the door to the motel room. “You shouldn’t be here Dean.”

“You just disappeared (Y/N/N), why shouldn’t I be here? I’ve been looking everywhere for you only to find out your hundreds of miles away,” he moved towards you quickly. “What the hell is going on?” he looked between you and the angel.

You raised your hand to keep him from getting any closer. The sadness in his eyes reminded you of the dreams, or where they visions of the possible future, you didn’t really know. “Cas, you need to get him out of here,” you looked up at him sadly.

The hurt in his eyes made your chest clench, he wasn’t the same man you knew months ago. The man that used you for sex and attacked you was gone, you could see that by the way he looked at you. “You can’t just push me away, please don’t.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” you whispered as he placed both hands on your biceps.

“Why would you hurt me?” he looked down at you as you placed your hands on his chest. You took a deep breath as the feeling of him being so close made your heart beat faster.

“Dean please,” you pushed him away slightly, trying to get a distance between you both.

“(Y/N), I think you should tell him,” Castiel spoke from behind you both.

“I-I can’t,” you started to sob as you backed away from Dean. You looked back to Castiel as a tear slipped down your cheek. “I don’t know what’s happening anymore Castiel,” you said as you wrapped your arms around yourself.

Dean looked like a kicked puppy because of how you reacted, which made you cry more. Why did this have to happen now of all times, he was a completely different man without the mark. You were a completely different person with the mark being destroyed. Flashes of your visions came flying forwards. Instead of Dean standing in front of you, he was laying across the bed with his chest ripped open. He heart had been ripped out and his other organs were scattered across the room.

You quickly covered your mouth to control the choked sobs trying to escape. All you could see was his dead body, you could hear both men speaking to you clearly but no matter what you did the image before you wouldn’t change.

“(Y/N),” you heard one of them yell your name as a pair of hands gripped your shoulders tightly, shaking you.

“(Y/N), what’s going on?” the other voice sounded.

Clenching your eyes and fists tightly you tried to control your mind. You knew it wasn’t real, but it felt like it was. Everything in you was telling you that it was going to happen, whether it be right then or in the future, you were destined to kill them.

Suddenly there was a hot stinging sensation against your cheek as someone yelled your name again. Opening your eyes you saw Dean, alive and in front of you looking like he was just slapped himself. “What the hell?” he whispered staring at something on your face.

You turned your head to find Castiel standing beside him, looking in awe. His eyes looked between your face and something behind you. You knew then that your grace had pushed itself to the surface. “Dean,” you whispered.

“Why are your eyes glowing like that?” he asked a bit louder, backing away slowly. “And why do you have wings?” his voice sounded shaky.

“He can see them?” you looked at Castiel confused.

He nodded. “Normally they would be hidden to every creature besides angels, yours are different. They can be seen by everything, but only if you choose to let them see them. You are distressed however, it is a type of defense as well,” He looked at you sadly.

You felt your wings move behind you in a flutter as they stretched. “Dean,” you looked back at the confused hunter as he stared at you.

“What are you?” his brow furrowed.

Taking a deep breath you looked down at your feet. “I’m a hybrid.”

Chapter 12

Masterlist

[samwinlover-blog]

Probable Fear Of Abandonment

Pairing: Sam x reader Characters: Sam, Dean, the reader Warnings: injured!reader, hospitals, swearing, angst Request: The reader and the Winchesters have hunted together for years, but when the reader is hospitalized and the Winchesters have to go save the world they leave her behind. The plan was for the separation to be temporary, but when the reader wakes up earlier than the doctors thought she would and sees the Winchesters gone, she thinks they left her. So, with both her heart and a few bones broken. she moves on with her life and starts hunting solo. Years later, fate will bring the three of them together again. On an impossible hunt, not only will the reader see her ex-boyfriend, Sam, but his brother again too!  A/N: Hey guys, sorry I’ve been really inactive lately I’ve had a lot on my plate:( But anyways, I really hope you enjoy this one- I put a ton of work into it because I feel really bad for being so inactive! <3 Tag list:  @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@padackles2010@mamaredd123@milkymilky-cocopuff@iwantthedean@zeppo-in-a-trenchcoat@spntrista @d-s-winchester@just-another-busy-fangirl@winchesterprincessbride@waywardjoy@supernaturalyobsessed@whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname@sandlee44@fangirl1802@kittenofdoomage@evyiione@winchestersmut@purgatoan@mogaruke@therewillbeblood@megansescape@taste-of-dean@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @scarlet-soldier-in-an-impala@deathtonormalcy56@wildfirewinchester@notnaturalanahi@jensen-jarpad@impalaimagining@fangirlextraordinaire@itseverythingilike@jesspfly@love@mysteriouslyme81@mrswhozeewhatsis@aiaranradnay@supernatural-jackles@girl-next-door-writes @spnsasha @27bmm @spnfanficpond @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@spn-imagines-to-feel@spn-ficfanatic​@cleverdame@saxxxology@jensen-jarpad@keepcalmandcarryondean gabriels-trix 

You didn’t want it to end the way it did, with you passed out in a hospital bed and the Winchesters driving off to God knows where in the Impala. They’d left you, but it didn’t make any sense. Sam was in love with you, and Dean was your best friend- or so you thought- so why would they leave? 

When you first woke up, the emptiness of the room scared you more than anything else. All of the tubes and wires the hospital had you hooked up to were nothing compared to the quiet of that god awful room. There wasn’t anybody at your side, Sam wasn’t there holding your hand and Dean wasn’t hovering uncomfortably by the door like he should have been. It was just empty, with nothing but the steady beeping of your monitor to keep you company. 

But you weren’t alone for long- the second you called out for help, dozens of nurses and doctors rushed to your side. They checked your vitals and asked you millions of questions, commenting on how miraculous it was that you’d woken up so quickly. All of the faces peering down at you were those of strangers though, and you’d never felt more alone. 

Your first instinct had been that the Winchesters were hurt too, and that was why they weren’t by your side. But when you’d croaked out the question initially, all you had gotten were looks of pity. 

A raven-haired nurse with a big nose had broken the news, “Honey, they left a few days ago, we haven’t seen them since I’m so sorry” She’d said, and it had crushed you. 

At first you didn’t understand, or just couldn’t comprehend that the Winchesters would leave you, especially Sam. He’d been your boyfriend of three years at the time, and also the love of your life. The two of you were supposed to do everything regular couples did, like get married or move into a four bedroom flat in a quiet neighborhood. So, naturally, you would never have predicted him leaving you to die in a rundown hospital in Rhode Island. 

The hours after you first woke up were some of the worst of your life, and that was saying something. Heartbreak was nothing knew, being that you were a hunter, but somehow Sam’s betrayal- along with his brothers- stung a little more than everything else. The nurses pity made you want to scream, but you held your tongue. You let them poke and prod at you to no end, and kept quiet the entire time. 

Under normal circumstances, you definitely would have snapped at somebody. But you were having trouble adjusting, and really comprehending the fact that the Winchesters were gone. 

It really shouldn’t have been such a surprise though. With the threat of Lucifer looming, and the angels recruiting Dean as Michaels vessel, you should have known they’d choose saving the world (again) over you. Because that was the Winchester family brand apparently, “Save the world as many times as we screw it up, and hope nobody gets killed in the process.”

When the initial numbness had worn off and you truly understood that they were gone, and out of your life forever, you got angry. You hated them, hated their name and who they were, but mostly, you hated Sam. 

You hated the fact that he abandoned you without so much as leaving a note. You got no explanation of any sorts as to why he up and left you, bruised and broken, in a decrepit hospital you’d never been to before. 

That anger, white hot and uncontrollable, was what got you through rehabilitation. With no health insurance, two broken ribs, a severe concussion, and a broken leg, it had been nearly impossible to get yourself back on your feet. 

You didn’t remember anything in the 48 hours leading up to the accident, and that included the motel you were staying at, where your car was, what state you were in, and why you were there in the first place. It was just your luck that your phone, with all your contacts, was with the Winchesters when they left. Because leaving you to die clearly wasn’t enough, they had to take all of your personal belongings with them of course. 

The second those pity-eyed nurses had cleared you, you’d left. Buying a bus ticket back to Massachusetts, where you were born, seemed like the only reasonable thing to do, and you stayed with your sister until you were fully healed. 

Honestly, it was a miracle you’d been able to get yourself back home in the first place. With no money and a lot of broken bones, stealing a bus ticket had been nearly impossible, and sitting through a jerky bus ride had been even worse. 

But a few hours later, you found yourself on your sister, Monica’s, front porch. Being as the two of you hadn’t seen each other in three years, it was fair to say that she was shocked at your arrival. 

Monica, and the rest of your family, had always been convinced that Sam was abusive- what else would they make of the countless bruises and broken bones your job gave you on a daily basis? So when Monica found you, crutching yourself up to her doorstep, she assumed the worse. 

She’d flung the door open and hurried you inside, muttering, “What has he done to you?!” the entire time. 

A few days later, once you’d rested and she’d gotten you a prescription for some pain medication, Monica wanted to know what happened. But you refused to tell her, or anyone else for that matter. It was a combination of you not wanting to have to make up an elaborate lie, and just not wanting to talk about it. 

Your heart was broken, by the WInchester’s betrayal- both of their betrayals. While Sam had been the love of your life, Dean was your best friend. He was the person you’d get rip-roaring drunk and dance on dive bar tables with. And you were his wing woman, constantly deceiving young blondes into spending the night with him. But more importantly, you were each others rocks. All of the good and the bad and the ugly of the Winchesters you knew, and not because of Sam. Dean was the one who’d bare his soul to you, no matter how much he hated getting emotional. And while Sam would tell you things, Dean was the brother who told you everything. 

Six months after your sister had welcomed you into her home with open arms, you’d done the same thing you did three years ago: you ran away. You felt that itch beneath your skin and that need to get your hands dirty, tell tale signs of a hunter who’s been out of the fight for too long. The second your ribs and legs had healed you took off, stealing a 1964 Black Jeep and driving until morning. 

The Winchesters became nothing more than a sad chapter in your life, and you tried to forget about them. You tried so hard, in fact, that you refused to contact any of your mutual friends. Shutting out Bobby, and Ellen and Joe were one of your biggest regrets. But as the years flew by, you found it harder and harder to bring yourself to pick up the phone and call, because you knew there was a possibility that the Winchesters would be there with them. 

A year passed, and the world never ended- so you assumed Sam and Dean had once again saved it. But you didn’t know where that put the two of them, were they dead? The plan had always been for Sam to fight off Lucifer at the last minute, but you didn’t know if he’d actually done it. You tried to put the thought of them out of your head, and over time your wounds healed- you even fell in love again. Well, you wouldn’t exactly call it love. 

Robby was nice, and he made you reasonably happy. He was a florist from New Hampshire, who had no idea what you really did for a living, and would probably have a heart attack if he ever found out. You didn’t know if he was oblivious or just choosing to be, but you’d somehow managed to convince him that you sold software for a living- and that was why you were away so much. Robby was a quaint man living in a small town, hell, he even rode his bicycle to work everyday. And even though, deep down, you knew you didn’t love him, he was exactly the type of person you needed in your life, so you chose to stay. But every single defense mechanism, including Robby, you’d put into place in order to avoid the Winchesters forever was foiled by fate. 

During a particularly chilly October, two years after the accident, you were on a case in Vermont. It seemed to be just a typical werewolf problem, being as bodies were turning up left and right with their hearts ripped out, and you weren’t prepared for just how much that case would change your life. You were strolling down the produce section of the town’s local grocery store, inspecting a carton of strawberries, when you saw him again. 

Sam Winchester. 

Without realizing what you were doing, the berries slipped from your hands and rolled across the floor. But you didn’t bend down to pick them up, you just stood there utterly dumbfounded. 

As if the two of you had rehearsed it, his head turned in your direction the second you dropped the strawberries, and his eyes locked on you. 

Words couldn’t describe the look on his face, but it probably matched your own. His eyes went wide and his hands fell limp at his sides, as if he too was dumbstruck to see you again after all those years and all that heartbreak. But then he did something you had not. His eyes went shiny from tears and he started walking towards you. 

His steps were slow, and deliberate, as if he didn’t completely believe you were real. But you didn’t want to see him, you didn’t even want to talk to him. Sam had made his choice all those years ago, and he’d chosen to leave you. 

So, stumbling back into the woman behind you, you backed away from him. You whirled around, using a shelf of carrots for support, and ran down the isle. In a frenzy of emotion, you couldn’t even see straight, and knocked into so many stands and hurrying people on your way out the store. 

When he finally called after you, it was more of a sob than it was a yell. His voice was strained as he choked out, “(Y/N), please!” 

But all he got in return were the sound of your boots slapping against the pavement of the parking lot, as you sprinted out of the store and away from him. You didn’t even know where you were going, only that you needed to leave, but he followed you and wouldn’t let up- all the while yelling your name like a prayer. 

[estrangedaframian]

majorarcanaboysrp​:

Jimmy grinned. “I personally think you’ll very much enjoy it. Or we both will-” he said mysteriously. It was true. it was a gift for Dean but it was also for both of them. In a way. But he wasn’t going to spoil the surprise yet.

Jimmy wasn’t perfect by any stretch but he liked being somebody Dean could count on. He liked that he mattered to Dean. It made him feel strong, like an anchor to the earth. He’d always been a salt of the earth type himself. He sensed Dean needed that kind of stability to make sense of the world. Jimmy sure as hell needed to be that kind of guy.

Jimmy smiled. “No? Because I could enjoy calling you more than a boyfriend-” Jimmy ventured. Trying to get past Dean’s defenses. Thank god he’s pretty, Jimmy thought to himself. Because he’s got armor a mile thick sometimes. “You know I care for you as much as myself, if not more so. Nothing could change that, not in my mind,” Jimmy said sweetly.

“Well good-” Jimmy said. “We’ve got a consensus then. You’ll be my fiancée then til the paperwork is all filled out,” Jimmy said with a nod. A tad possessive but in a good way. A very even, slice of life sort of way.

Jimmy did his best to ignore Dean’s moment of denseness as he thought through the mechanics of doing this in the proper way. The way a fella should, regardless of whose on the other end of the ring.

He’d need to find a pawn shop.

“What if I love you more, Dean Winchester?” Jimmy said with a sappy smile on his face. Feeling absurdly romantic at the moment.

Jimmy chuckled as Dean started talking. He wrapped his arms around the other and looked Dean over. They really weren’t twins. Sure, to the untrained eye they were a hell of a twin set but Dean walked differently, talked differently, held himself differently. Dean had to unwind from strength to strength while Jimmy had a soft openness to him. They both had loyalty and empathy. That was a strong stream between them.

Jimmy looked at Dean, practically down on his belt line. He smiled and ran his hand along Dean’s jaw. “You want me to take you to a pawn shop and an all night chapel, go for what you’re thinking. But you want a big to do and ceremony, we head back to my place and we go from there,” he said, leaving the choice for the urgency of things in Dean’s hand. “What would make you happy Dean? Cause that’s what would make me happy.”

Jimmy didn’t care much who saw what in the nearly empty saloon parking lot. It wasn’t like they were in the middle of the bar. And either way, Dean would get everything he wanted with Jimmy. It just depended on how much of a hurry he was in.

“... I know you care... It’s one of your most attractive qualities.” He took a deep breath. He smiled. But he was hurting. And as much as Dean wished Jimmy didn’t have to know this- He knew that he knew. But knowing was part of the caring, he supposed.

“Fiancée, boyfriend... Whatever works.”

Dean fully approved of Jimmy’s take-charge; he saw the same sweetness and stability that marked everything Jimmy said and did, and he never had to question whether it was good or bad. As far as Dean was concerned, Jimmy was incapable of the latter. That sappy smile and boyish ‘...love you more...’ was all the further proof he needed.

“T- There’s no rush, baby. The washer-ring’s great, and I would love to jus’ go home- Your place, I mean- and take it from there.” Winchester leaned into the hand at his jaw, gradually grabbing it and placing a horribly tender kiss inside the palm.

“I, uh... I think you’re the neatest thing since sliced bread, Jim, but the fact is... I’m not ready to go through any sort of... ceremony. I can’t promise that I EVER will be...”

A rush of air as Dean pulled Jimmy into a fierce hug- Hands clasped around about his head and back, mouth pressed hotly to his ear. “Jimmy, you are the epitome of what it means to be human... The way I grew up, existence- specifically, reality- were always brought into question... I can’t... I can’t explain HOW I’ve come to feel this way, but all that pomp and circumstance... It breaks the illusion for me, Jim. I mean, animals, they... They mate for life, the ones that do, and that’s it... They’re together, forever, on their own terms. They don’t invite the whole flock to watch, and they certainly don’t pay a’ minister or a’ lawyer to recite some ancient rite... If it deeply means something to you, I’ll go through with it, absolutely, but I think if two people want to share their lives, trust should be the only authority figure here... My heart belongs to you. Let me be the vow,  and I’ll carry this washer with me always...”

He wiggled the finger with the metal on it.

“Anyone hits on me in your absence, I’ll whip this puppy out and say I’m already totally and completely in domestic bliss... And he goes by Jimmy-” To take some of the edge off the mood, Dean nibbled down on Jimmy’s ear a bit as he said his name. Oh, boy. That was another can o’ worms-

If they got married, officially, their names would virtually be the same... Imagine...

' Mr. Dean Winchester and Mr. Jimmy Dean Winchester’

Unfortunately, Dean Olsott sounded an awful lot like a solicitor (or someone in an equally obnoxious profession). Though better that than to sound like a man who had just married himself.

Yeah. He wasn’t even thinking about how much they resembled each other, physically. This union really was a lot more complicated than just tying the proverbial knot.

[mittensmorgul]

So hi I'm not at all involved in spn meta world but I saw a post or two about the horseman famine episode with the sex and burger and how Dean claimed when he was hungry for something he'd feed himself and here he is now feeding himself multiple things. Work, weapons, sex, food. He even grosses himself out when the food is wrong. He's craving something or his worry for Cas and he's trying to fill the empty. Right? His behavior is 100% understandable and explainable.

Yeah, the most recent four posts in my tag for 5.14 (My Bloody Valentine, the episode with Famine) are all about 12.18.

(I guess once this posts, it’ll be five...)

SAM I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.CASTIEL Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...

I don’t think that’s meant to be an exhaustive list of the things people might be “starving” for, either, just like the list of “human things” he gave Hannah in 10.01 wasn’t meant to be the entirety of human things that angels don’t understand (art, hope, love, dreams).

This time there was no magical outside force at work on Dean, just his own internal issues. I already wrote about that some in this post.

This struck me equally hard as a parallel for Dean’s tendency to self-medicate his problems. Sometimes it’s through actual medication (like the time he offered Sam a bottle of random pills and when questioned what they are Dean only replies, “effective.”) He’s long ago learned how to manage these sorts of problems for himself. His whole life, he really didn’t have the time or space (heh) to have the same sort of extreme reaction to his situation that Sam did in running away from hunting and going to college.

And heck, this strikes me as both a “parental” thing and a depression/anxiety/insert the mental health issue of your choice here coping method. And it’s ALSO part of the reason why sublimation has been one of his go-to coping strategies. He couldn’t usually show any of this “weakness” to Sam, as the most consistent parental figure in Sam’s life. It was easier to just play off a lot of his coping strategies as who he was as a person instead of admitting that they WERE coping strategies.

And heck now I’m sadly thinking of 4.13 again, where we see Dean’s difficulties. John has abandoned them for a much longer time than normal, Dean’s stuck in this school watching over Sam while also worried about John and angry about having been left behind again, and he plays it all off as this “bad boy” character who doesn’t care about anything. The other students, like Sam’s friend Paul and initially the girl Dean is interested in, think he’s “cool,” but we eventually see through it here.

Amanda calls him out, saying she thought there was something more to Dean because of how he relates to his brother (kind, caring, gentle, etc.), but he enacts his womanizing persona and goes after another girl because things were actually getting too serious with her. He wasn’t allowed to have a serious relationship with anyone, but he was never going to stick around long enough for that. John would come back, and he’d have to drop everything and disappear again. Just like with Robin in 9.07. It was a self defense mechanism against being hurt again, but he still needed that kind of comfort and reassurance that comes from human touch, you know? So he got really good at satisfying that need.

And it’s part of his self-medication arsenal, along with drugs, with fighting, with using food this way, along with hustling pool (because hey it not only satisfies that need to be good at something and score a win, but also keep the family afloat), with hunting in general. We often see him trying to work out a problem or distract himself from a problem he can’t solve by maintaining his weapons (sharpening a knife, cleaning a gun, or a whole arsenal of guns) like at the beginning of 12.18.

But because these are coping strategies he uses in order to avoid having “chick flick moments,” (and yes, we know he loves chick flicks and so does Sam), the only way he can avoid a chick flick moment of his own with Sam (who is always pushing him to talk about his issues rather than act out), is to have made his coping strategies seem like another normal part of his personality.

This goes to the foundations of “Performing Dean.” He is absolutely not that jerk Sam has laughed about who gets weird about food or sex or whatever coping strategy he’s employing at the time. I mean, going all the way back to 1.03 Sam didn’t get that Dean WASN’T just being Dean and creepily hitting on Andrea like he’d been ogling their waitress at the beginning of the episode. Seeing the way Dean treated Lucas was shocking to him, and showed him a side of Dean that Dean largely kept hidden from Sam... because it was a side that had RAISED Sam, essentially.

But now in s12, Sam is finally seeing Dean drop that performance a little bit. He only seems to haul it out when he’s seeking out one of his go-to coping tools. In 12.18 it was almost like watching two different Deans. The worried, meticulously cleaning all the guns while getting frustrated about a lack of communication from Cas version, which led directly to his abrupt dropping of everything related to researching the case to get his fix (sleeping with Carmen, then having his weird food battle with Sam, finally ending when all his needs were satisfied when he got that burger), and then everything that happened after that. And it all hinged on what he said to Sam in the conversation at the lunch counter right after visiting the meat factory:

Sam: Seriously, Dean? After what we just saw? How-- how can you eat?Dean: Grow up, Sam, okay? Burger's beef, bacon's pig, Soylent Green's people. But this -- this... This is Heaven.Sam: (going on a face journey of ew) Wow... right...Um, so... uh, What’s the word, you find anything?

All while “Burgers and Fries” plays in the background: “Burgers and fries, cherry pies, it was simple and good back then.”

And Sam’s a bit shocked not only at Dean’s words and his ability to keep eating when he “should’ve been” grossed out, but at Dean’s tone of voice. At first with the “Grow up, Sam, okay?” he sounds at the very least frustrated that Sam doesn’t get the nuances of Dean’s performance yet. Because part of that performance has always been Sam openly joking about what a jerk Dean can be, or how gross he is sometimes, and Dean is normally content to play along and joke right back. Like, haha yeah I’m just a walking stereotype nothing to see here just keep moving along as you were people just Dean being Dean.

And right here, Dean’s trying to show Sam that it’s not always or entirely something to joke about. It might have been simple and good back then, but it’s not anymore.

I think this is just another instance of Dean showing Sam something more truthful about himself, and he doesn’t appreciate being teased about it as if it was just another “Dean being gross and weird” sort of thing.

At the beginning of 12.18 while he was cleaning the Colt, Sam had been responding to Dean’s concern about Cas with reassurances, and the “he’ll be fine, he always is,” sort of thing before Dean changed the subject to finding Dagon.

Sam says he’s been up all night looking at books on demons, while we’re left to wonder what DEAN was doing all night if he wasn’t looking at books on demons. But he just TOLD us what he’s been doing... he’s been looking for Cas (well, with the limited tools available to human beings looking for angels who don’t seem to want to be found and might not even be alive if they were hunting Dagon who seems to be able to vaporize angels with her mind...)

And we see that worry play out in his behavior, getting antsier and more distracted from the case, relying on his Kill Everything (but five things) Gun to take care of the case for him, and seeking out his drug of choice to help him deal with his worry.

Just like he said in 5.14, when he wants something, he gets it. When he has a need, he fills it. Maybe not with the right thing to take care of the underlying problem that’s causing the need, but with the sort of temporary fix that he’s learned will help him cope.

And whoa yeah that’s no way to live, but Dean seems to recognize this too. It’s just he doesn’t really have a way to solve that underlying problem right now in the middle of this other case, but even with the Colt, hunting gods can get you real dead real fast if you’re too distracted by those problems to do the job properly.

I don’t even remember what the question was at this point. But here have a patented Mittens Rambling Mess Of Tangents. :P

[shirtlesssammy]

The Raid: Because it’s always nice to watch Sam Winchester save the day Recap

Then:

See you next season in 5 seasons!

Now:

We pick up right where we left off last week. Mary tries to explain her partnership with the BMoL. Sam wants to know how long she’s been working with them. She admits that the Brits brought her the Ramiel case. Dean’s response: “Cas almost died.” A hunter did die. Mary feels awful and admits that she lives with Wally’s death all the time. Dean’s response: “Good”.

Three Days Later

Mary and Mr. Ketch arrive at the Death Star the BMoL compound Moonbase, dressed all in black, clearly just finishing a mission. Mr. Ketch is still all heart eyes over their latest toy, the AVD, which seems to turn a room into a disco, and sends all sane creatures running for their lives --monsters included.

Once inside Ketch passes his overnight bag and barks out orders to Serena, a scientist with three PhDs. A nice reminder for us to not humanize this particular dashing monster. Mary stares forlornly at her phone. Dean hasn’t answered any of her texts. Mary thinks back to the bunker fight, and we all grab a giant box of tissues. Dean is so angry, and hurt. He lashes out. He makes some good points, but to be fair, so does Mary.

Dean: How about for once, you just try to be a mom.

Mary: I am your mother, but I am not just a mom. And you are not a child.

Dean: I never was.

I’m telling you, a nice beach vacation at the beginning of this season would have done wonders. Too bad the people Mary is currently working with had to go and kidnap her youngest son. Once again, I’m loving the Mary trajectory, but boy does it suck. And Dean calling his mother “Mary”, ouch. It was expected, but it sounds so odd coming out of Dean’s mouth.

Mr. Ketch catches up with Mick. Taking out vamp nests is so routine and boring for our handsome psychopath. “Boring is good,” affirms Mick. Yeah, enjoy those words now Mick. Mick also wonders where they are on recruiting Sam and Dean. Mr. Ketch doesn’t understand the bother, but Mick informs him that the “old men want them on board.”

Back at the bunker, Dean caught a case. Or not really, but is still really upset about Mary, and needs to hit something. Poor, even-tempered, bury it all inside and don’t even show the audience your pain Sam asks if Dean wants to talk about it. I love how Dean says “No”, but then jumps right into talking about it. He’s not ready to listen to reason though, and the second Sam hints at compromise, he jumps up in need of drinks, plural. I see Dean’s A+ coping mechanisms are in full effect. He tells Sam that his middle shtick isn’t working. “For once, pick a side,” he grumps before storming off screen.

That argument pushes Sam to meet with Mary. Mary tries, again, to apologize and explain what a world without monsters would be like. She throws out the whole Stanford thing --which seems a little manipulative. Sam left that world, and it took a long time, but he’s reconciled himself to being a hunter. I can only imagine that Sam does, in the back of his mind, late at night, think of Jessica and the life they had--and the life they should have had, but it’s all too late. He knows that any settling down he’ll do, it’ll be with another hunter. Even if monsters or the supernatural are gone from this world, there will still be something else that needs saving. It’s who he is. 

For Science:

Sam gets a tour of BMoL HQ, and gives Mick the cold shoulder. Mick lets it slip that they have a plan to exterminate every last vampire in America. Go on, Sam’s listening.

Dean comes back to an empty bunker, when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Dean’s Mystery Date: Mr. Ketch!

Mr. Ketch brought Scotch. Go on, Dean’s listening. (Natasha: Oh, Dean. You hapless alcoholic. ...Or swayed by Ketch’s suave good looks? Dean knows to look past a pretty face, right?)

At the briefing, Sam meets all the Red Shirts power players for this regional set-up for the BMoL. He learns that they’ve wiped out every vampire in the midwest except for one little nest. They’re all holed up in a hotel in Wichita. The AVD is locked and loaded.

At the hotel, the remaining vamps console each other over their fallen brethren, when in walks the Alpha Vamp! Long time, no see!

At the bunker, Dean and Mr. Ketch enjoy a ridiculously erotic round of drinks. 

Long pauses, long sips, shared inclinations. “You’re a killer, Dean Winchester.” That’s the second time this season that someone’s called Dean that! He is not like Mr. Ketch! His hunter code is nuanced, and he cares too much about people to be reduced to a mere killer. Anyway, Mr. Ketch’s seduction of Dean ends with “vamps” and Dean is hooked.  

At the Moonbase Pierce fanboys all over Sam. (You’re Sam Winchester? Squeeee!) Mick saunters up to Sam and asks him what he thinks of their satellite operation. Sam's impressed by Serena and Alton but he warns Mick about Pierce who “calls himself the Hunter King of Baton Rouge.” Mick confesses that, other than Mary, their hunter recruits are less than impressive.

Dean and Ketch, meanwhile, pull up to the hotel the vamps are holed up in ready to kick some fanged ass. Ketch attractively prepares a seriously deadly looking gun and then sees Dean's mess of a trunk. He likes the old fashioned machete Dean pulls out and begs a blade of his own (Boris: Ketch is very impressed with Dean’s blade, you could say). He wants a challenge. Then those two stone cold foxes killers head in to storm the vamp hideout. The hotel is empty, though. Dun dun DUN.

^^ Wherein Dean challenges Cas’s crown as Eyeroll Champion of the US^^

Back at Moonbase, Mary tells Sam that she invited him there so he can understand why Mary is working with the far more sophisticated BMoL. (<--sick burn: ours)  “So it wasn't a sales pitch?” Sam asks. “Because it was a good one.” Ooooo, Sammy. They saunter past security camera footage displayed on a monitor, showing a guard on patrol. Cut to outside the bunker where our hapless guard hears twigs crackling from the underbrush. He goes to check it out when HISS SNARL vamp attack.

Ketch, meanwhile, has turned up exactly one vampire. He sets into questioning her, chortling at her distress. Ketch's mode of interrogation mostly involves punching and yelling, which means that Dean FOR ONCE gets to play good cop. He pulls Ketch off of the girl and hunkers down in front of her. Dean wants information too, but he won't promise her freedom in exchange for information. Instead, he'll “make it quick.” She breaks at this offer and tells them that the other vampires are hunting the hunters back at Moonbase.

Serena zeroes in on Moonbase's security feed and notices that the hapless guard has disappeared. As they watch, the dead guard is hoisted into view of the cameras and then the Morris vampires head for the touchpad entrance at the gate. They use the guard's hand to open the exterior gate. (Suggestion for next time: simply rip the hand off for easier portaging. Why haul around a whole dead body when you can just put the part you need in a pocket?) (This practical monster tip is brought to you by Natasha and probably psychopaths everywhere.)

Sam orders lockdown (because he’s Sam Fucking Winchester and he’ll give the fucking orders around here) and Mary gets on the horn to warn everyone (in this case, red shirted security guards) to fall back into the safety of the compound. The vamps find a door into the compound, killing one of the escaping guards. Fortunately, Mary and Sam bust in and lop off a vamp head, knocking out the other. Sam locks down the door again, then stops Mary from killing the last vamp. It's interrogation time!

On the security feed the vampires spread out to surround the building. The captured vampire laughs at their distress and tells them that his father, the Alpha Vampire, has come to save them all. Serena scoffs at this. The Alpha's in Morocco according to the Brit’s latest intel. Sam sets them straight, though, and tells the room that he last met the Alpha in North Dakota.

The vamp starts villain laughing at the room so Mary chops off his head (squicking out Serena and Alton). They've got a big fight on their hands and the Moonbase isn't built to withstand a long defense. Mary heaves a long suffering sigh and takes stock of their weaponry, both human and hardware. “Who here has killed...anything?” she asks. To her dismay, only Sam and (EXASPERATED SIGH) Pierce have any experience at all.

“We gotta arm up,” Sam declares. “Weapons on the table.” Everyone dumps everything they have – a few knives, some rope, and small weaponry. Mary sets her bloody machete on the table, like a badass (but a tidy one).

Bigger weapons are in the armory, including the AVD. Mary wants to go get it; they can set it off in the vents and take out some of the scattered vamps, bug bomb style. Sam despairingly asks if they have anything stronger, because the Alpha will likely barely be dented by the AVD. Mary throws Mick a significant look: GET THE COLT, she mentally orders. Mick hauls out an equipment case and opens it up for Sam. The look on Sam's face, guys...

Sam carefully picks up the Colt, huffing an astonished (and emotional) breath. “Where did you get this?” he asks Mick.

“I stole it,” confesses Mary. “From Ramiel.” (Mary haters out there, I'm just saying she could have lied and Mick would have made something up to back up her lie. So. At least she's laying all of her cards on the table.) Mick bemoans the fact that the Colt doesn't work. They don't have any bullets for it. At this Sam Fucking Winchester pulls up a notepad and American Men of Letters the crap out of the situation, writing down the ingredients for a spell to make more bullets. “Got the recipe from my buddy.”

“Bobby Singer?” Mary asks. (FUCK YEAH, BOBBY. We miss you! We keep sending you letters in Heaven. WHY WON’T YOU WRITE US BACK? #HeavenIsAPrison)

Sam tasks the nerdly folks in the main compound with creating bullets for the gun. Meanwhile, all three hunters head for the armory to get the AVD. In order to get to the fuse box armory they've got to unlock the velociraptor vampire proof doors first and head out into enemy territory. Sam opens the door and immediately velociraptors vampires try to storm the compound. Sam vows to hold off the velociraptors vampires and sends Mary and Pierce off in the other direction to get the weaponry.

Mary grabs the AVD from the armory. In the center of the compound, Mick performs the spell over the bullets when he's interrupted by Pierce pounding on the door. Alton lets him in and then just hangs out in the open door when Pierce rushes inside. “What happened?” Mick demands.

“My swift and inevitable betrayal happened,” Pierce replies. Alton gets speared in the back by the quickly revealed Alpha Vampire himself. Pierce smiles stoogily at the Brits. Serena, bless her somewhat badass heart, rushes the Alpha vamp and gets gobbled for her trouble. Mick snatches up his newly minted bullets for the Colt and hides them away as the Alpha grins at him.

Meanwhile, Sam Fucking Winchester has just finished beheading his eleventieth vamp in the cramped hallways of Moonbase. He heads to the armory.

Back in the central office we learn that Pierce, though a hunter, has been bought off by the Alpha. “Alimony's a bitch,” Pierce explains. (Pierce. You're a hunter. Aren't you practically indigent anyway? I can’t believe you’re still trying to make a life in the legal circles of society.)

“I'm old,” complains the Alpha. “I like living quietly.” The BMoL have been a real pain in his fangs. He knew what they were up to in England but didn't interfere because, well, “it's England.” Ooooo sick burn, Alpha! America is his home (starts humming America the Beautiful) and it's time for the BMoL to Get. Off. His. Lawn. LOL.

In the armory Sam finds Mary passed out on the floor. Pierce had bashed her in the head just after she retrieved the weapon and then stomped on the AVD, crushing the weapon. (Psssh, Natasha scoffs. Way to cheap out on the casing, Brits. I’ll “fix” that detail for you in the fanfic.) Sam and Mary head back to the main center.

The Alpha, meanwhile, makes a super appealing offer to Mick. He'll call the headquarters in England, concede defeat, and then be devoured on the live feed. I mean, who wouldn't be on board with that plan? As the Alpha is cheerily performing his evil villain monologue, Mary and Sam creep in, machetes at the ready. Mary knocks down Pierce and Sam pulls out the Colt and points it at the Alpha.

“There are five creatures on this Earth that gun cannot kill,” scoffs the Alpha, “and I'm one of them.” Sam calls him on his bluff; the Colt is the only thing holding the Alpha at bay. Mick reveals his new bespelled bullets to Mary and they sidle ever closer to the Colt, and Sam.

Sam lays his own offer on the table. His family kills vamps that get out of line and for now, the Alpha has permitted their spotty attacks. Sam tells the Alpha to let him and Mary go and things will go back to the way they should be: “hunters and vampires, cops and robbers, a fair fight.” The Alpha can take Mick as a tasty to-go snack. Mick lunges in anger at Sam and they share a scuffle. Meanwhile Mary takes a swing at the Alpha. Sam lifts the Colt back up to the Alpha who chortles that the gun isn't loaded.

“You sure?” asks Sam Fucking Winchester.

We flash back. Sam notices Mick's bullets and significant blinks are shared. When Mick attacked Sam he shoved a bullet in his palm, Mary distracts the Alpha, Sam loaded said bullet, and....cut back to present. The Alpha realizes he's been played in a split instant, just before Sam cocks the weapon for firing.

BANG!

The Alpha drops in a haze of electric Colt-induced lightning flares.

Later, Mick stares down at his bloodied compound, the bodies of Serena and Alton littering the floor. Mary interrupts his brooding to tell them it's clear outside; all remaining vampires are either dead or have run off.

Cut to the garage where Dean and Ketch have at last arrived. Mick accuses Ketch of abandoning his post. “I don't know how it is in your ivory tower but down here in the muck, people die,” Ketch bites out, attractively. Ketch claims that he was out making a play for Dean, doing some nice killer bonding time (comparing weapons wink wink nudge nudge say no more), and simply following the BMoL handbook in his pursuit of the Winchesters. It's not his fault that Mick's compound fell apart. Then he drops the mic and walks off.

Meanwhile, the Winchesters confront each other.

Dean: So. Went out, back later, huh?

Sam: Just getting a drink, huh?

Mary: So lying is a thing in this family? Thank god, I fit right in.

Sam expresses surprise that Dean would “drive like a bat outta hell” to try to save the Moonbase when he hates the BMoL and didn't know Sam was there. Mary and Dean share a significant look.

“It's not your job to make my lunch, kiss me goodnight.” Dean says to Mary, breaking my fucking heart. ”We're adults,” he says shortly, and he's going to have to accept that Mary is going to make her own choices. Most importantly, Dean calls her Mom again. They've reached a temporary peace. (Natasha: It hurts but I’m also happy for them. This show!)

Pierce gets marched double time through the garage by Ketch. Ketch states that he's going to dispose of the renegade hunter in an unpleasant fashion. All three Winchesters are on board with this. (Which...yikes, dudes. I didn’t think you were up for cold blooded revenge killing. Sigh. I guess we really are in the darkest timeline.)

Mick wanders up and Sam heads over to him. Mick thanks him for his work and confesses that he messed up, he swings into full apology mode when Sam just drops: “I'm in. Look. Tonight was bad. But the Alpha vampire is dead. You're changing the world and I wanna be a part of it.” As for Dean? “Give me some time,” says Sam.

Natasha: Man, the BMoL make a strong case. Mutters to self: Just remember what they would do to Garth. Just remember what they would do to Garth. (And probably Cas.)

Boris: It's clear Sam and Dean don't need the BMoL. It's an interesting, and more than likely ill-conceived, choice for Sam right now to side with them, but things are going to get pretty heavy with Lucifer and the nephilim. Only TFW has handled Lucifer and a nephilim before. The BMoL are the props for our heroes. Things are going to get twisty, and we're going to be thankful that Sam's on the inside to blow the organization up. I’m reminded of Toni’s murder board --the Brits have no clue what they’re getting themselves into. I also hope that Mary course-corrects soon. And echoing Natasha: If the BMoL want to rid the planet of all supernatural creatures, where does that leave Cas? Garth? Kate? (And all those monsters similar to the once-living ones, like Lenore, Benny, and Amy) 

“Quotes,” they said, attractively:

Yeah, Mary, it is.

We don't just charge in, all John Wayne, guns a'blazing.

Places to be, vampires to behead.

We should move fast to keep the rats from fleeing the ship.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

daughter-of-the-rain-and-snow replied to your post “Speaking of the possibility of Dean as a future “new Ellen” suggested...”

Yep yep yep.. all of this. I think that Cas has a better understanding of this, cause Sam to some degree, falls into the "performing!Dean". So Cas looks for what Dean really thrives on. Like for instance, one can be daydream but it doesn't mean that we want to accomplish that. It's all in the subconscious.. so as nightmares and dreams. This is why also the shadow/empty specifically says to Cas that happiness is the key. Even peace (let the sun shine over you and all that

Well, in this specific case I think it’s a pretty subtle difference - I mean, I’m saying this starting from the assumption that Cas knows what he’s looking for and finds what he’s looking for. Since he’s so quick at switching from traumatic memories to different memories, I’d say he is able to find what he’s looking for, so it’s interesting to see what he’s looking for. Namely, he does not actually go for memories of moments where Dean is particularly happy, or moments in contexts that weren’t particularly happy. Sure, cheery maybe. But... we have seen Dean being happy, we know when Dean is happy, what makes Dean happy or at least as happy as he can get. But Cas doesn’t explore there.

Why? Maybe because happiness is vulnerability, and vulnerability does not get along with contentment (or better, the other way round). Maybe he just understands that Michael can’t have placed Dean somewhere really happy, because Dean would still manage to get out of that. There was a tumblr post some time ago that explained that joy and sadness are very close in the brain, and that’s why it’s easy to go from strong joy to strong sadness, and in fact the stronger the emotion the easier is for the brain to slip. Maybe that’s Cas’ reasoning - that Michael would have placed Dean somewhere kinda neutral, on the positive side but not too much. Contentment. Dean is used to strong emotions. He “thrives” on those because that’s what he knows and knows how to handle, more or less successfully.

It’s possible that the scene goes like this: Cas initially assumes Michael, being a big douchebag, has buried Dean in pain. (Reminder: Gadreel tricked Sam with essentially ordinary routine, Lucifer didn’t even have to trick Cas because Cas was too depressed to fight back. Michael went for Bad the first time, according to Dean.) Then Sam suggests that maybe Michael has changed tactics from the last time, when Dean fighting back gave Michael a headache. And I think that maybe here their reasonings diverge: Sam suggests that Michael is giving Dean something Dean has never experienced (as opposed to trauma/pain which, Sam reasons, is the thing Dean is totally in his element in), but they seem to have a different idea of what that is. (It’s a small moment so I admit that this interpretation is, well, an interpretation, not something I can demonstrate for sure - I’m just musing about it as I write) Sam seems to think: what’s something Dean has pretty much almost never experienced? Happiness. Let’s look into his good memories and see if there’s something that really stands out! Cas seems to think: what’s something that Dean has pretty much almost never experienced? Contentment. Let’s look into memories where he’s sort of comfortable or something and see if there’s something that stands out?

So Cas says, contentment, and Sam seems to misunderstand, because he is puzzled when he starts hearing the memories Cas is digging through. He seems to be like, wait, this is Dean being happy? Because it’s not - because Cas is searching for kinda neutral emotions, for moments that are on the positive side but cloaked in comfort/safety (defense mechanisms count as such). Strippers! (The date with Nick ended up being... problematic, but he had fun while it was fun. But! Cloaking that with enthusiasm for the strippers is safer - mind, I’m not saying Dean is in denial, just that strippers are safer) Posse! (Cowboy stuff is good, but we risk to get in a complicated place so let’s make it safe, okay?) Pie! (Safer choice than cake, because of reasons, okay?)

...Am I saying that Cas is digging through the Medium Place of Dean’s mind? Yeah, kinda.

Anyway. I want to add something. About Sam hearing Dean’s supposedly “good memories”. That just occurred to me. That could be painful. Um. Remember Dark Side Of The Moon? How the good memories (genuinely good memories, albeit bittersweet in perspective) of one brother were painful for the other? Now consider this. Sam makes a face when they hear about the strippers, and I wonder whether he recognized where that memory was from. I’m assuming yes, because that siren case must’ve been pretty... memorable for him, in a very bad way. In fact, the “good memories” Cas scouts? Meeting Henrikssen when he was still a threat (not a good memory for Sam), the siren case (not a good memory for Sam), learning the reason Sam hates Halloween (so the recollection of a not-good memory for Sam), the frontierland episode (Sam didn’t have much fun), when Dean asked for pie before Sam was brought to Azazel’s death match game (not... good... for Sam...).

I am not really drawing a conclusion here, because the episode doesn’t dwell there, but... could Sam have felt sort of weirded out by the fact that what he expected to be Dean’s good memories did in fact have no positive associations for him? Again, it’s a small scene, but Yockey must have picked the various memories very carefully, and there are 13+ years of material to pick from so it’s not like he struggled to find scenes to use. So what was he telling us there...?