#how much blood do the sky and the river ask for?

[bardicbeetle]

water takes the path of least resistance

water doesn’t care how long it takes

the beating of the river and the rain are patient pains

constant and assuring the collapse of all they reach

seconds, minutes, hours, days—

months, years, lifetimes.

water is happy to wait

there are weaker paths in the meantime

it will take you for itself another day.

[faaun]

lightning fried our satellite dish and now we are alone

[blimpintime]

jade green prologue

azriel x reader

in which Azriel has a personal healer, and she needs to be saved.

word count: 830 words

warnings: light angst, head injury, rhys is an asshole!

unedited

Being a traveling healer meant a few things; one, knowing how to defend yourself is the most important thing next to healing. Two, paying attention to new science and healing techniques will always benefit you and your patient. Lastly, being kind to everyone you meet, will get you further than having people fear you. 

Well, for the most part. Sometimes defending yourself and staying kind contradict one another hence why you are running, no, rolling down a snowy mountain trying to outrun some bandits. 

The snow is wet and mushy, not quite the firm snow that Illriya gets further into the cold season, so you are having a hard time grasping anything to regain balance and stability. Your winter gear is starting to become soaked with the cold and wet ground you have been sliding in, and eventually, you are wet head to toe when you slide into a river with no way to slow yourself down or stop.

Your head reemerges from the frigid water rushing around you, face freezing and refreshed at the same time. The sky is a bright white reflecting off the snow on the mountain making it hard for you to see. At this point, you have no idea what direction you are even facing or heading towards, and your body is dropping its temperature rapidly. 

“Shit.” You manage to cough out, your bag of healing items now long gone in the river.

 You try swimming toward a branch you see floating near you but get swept by the current and smack your head on the branch instead, causing everything around you to go dark.

There is not much that will get a reaction of Azriel but seeing one of his close friends (who he hasn’t seen in years)  floating lifeless in the Sidra was a scenario that made his stomach drop to his feet. 

He isn’t sure how he recognized you, floating face up in the water and blueish gray, but he is glad he did because he quickly shot down to where you were and ripped your frigid body out of the painfully cold water his hands going numb with pain. Your hair glowing around your face no doubt your healing abilities trying to save your body a little, but it is clearly having a hard time considering you still have a large gash on your forehead dripping sticky blood. 

He lifts your lifeless body into his strong arms and winnows to Madja’s healers’ cabin. He feels your pulse faintly but at least it is still there. A bit of panic flushes through his body when he realizes how long you have been in this state. And then anger washes over him, who could do this to someone so kind? He thinks harshly to himself.

Where are you, brother? A voice appears in his head, Not now Rhys. He responds sharply. 

Oh, at a pleasure house? Finally, taking up my advice? Don’t forget about family dinner. Rhysand quips back in a joking tone, to which Azriel blocks him out completely. 

He could not care less about family dinner more than he did right now. You limp in his arms freezing cold with blue lips and eyes faintly closed with what looked to be ice crystals around your lashes and eyebrows. You who have saved him from the brink of death on more than one occasion. You were all that mattered in this moment. 

When Madja finally helped you in, you were lying there with your chest softly rising on the bed. He couldn’t leave your side nor did he want to. 

“It is good you found her when you did,” Madja spoke to him. “She was getting to dangerous levels of freezing. Without her abilities, I am fairly certain her blood would have frozen.” 

Azriel winced and ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t even know what she was doing here. I have never met with her in Velaris.” He responded softly.

“You know her?” Madja asked in the same tone.

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, “Long time friends.” 

She nodded in response. “She should wake when she is warm enough. If there is anything else I can do just yell for me, but I will be in my office.” With that, she walks off and closes the door gently.

Azriel for once does not know what to do, sitting there feels like a waste of time when he could be hunting those down who did this to you. However, he does not want you to wake up alone and confused.

Then he thinks about how he is expected to be at family dinner with his happily mated brothers and the girl he thought he was infatuated with. He felt guilty for a moment thinking about his family being happy when you were lying here lifeless, but then felt anger towards someone he calls a brother. A pleasure house? He scoffs verbally. His soul aches for companionship but right now all that matters is when you wake up. 

a/n: it is a little guy but welcome to the prologue!

[velvet-paradox]

Rewarded

Fandom: Call of Duty/ Fantasy AU Pairing: Knight!König x Princess!Female reader Summary: You've been living a double life to get close to the kingdom's blood Knight. Length: Long Warnings: NSFW 18+ ONLY, L-bomb, friends to lovers, pining, magic, p in v, creampie, smut.

"Squire! Where the devils are you?"

You came running through the stables, your cloak, cardinal red flowed and swirled around your form. You nearly tripped over a bucket, dust and manure kicking up behind you. Maybe you would have reached your destination more swiftly had you not been carrying that book about.

"I say, squire!"

You stopped just short of your Knight, only bumping just slightly into his polished armor. You had done quite the job this morn! You could make out your own reflection in the metal breast plate or rather the reflection you had created.

"I am here sire. I made great haste through the halls but to no avail I am proven to be late once more." Your knight, the one you bet on every joust, a victor, a champion merely looked down at your presence. What König saw was a scrawny squire boy, moppy hair, holes along the thighs of your leggings, boots a size too big and shrouded by a far too portly cloak. The complete opposite of your true identify.

"You need to put that brain rot away, where it belongs. In the catacombs, in the libraries, down in the archives and not in the stables, boy!" König tsked you through his helmet, only enough room to see his gorgeous blue eyes sparkle behind them. One this occasion he had smeared some coal along his face, making the two orbs stand out like stars in the night sky.

You had often wondered what that would be like, oh how you enjoyed his company! To lay beneath the stars out in the mossy valley, just you and your knight, enjoying the silence. Counting stars, making out constellations. Sharing knowledge. Passing the time. He might even one day choose to hold your hand in the misty dark.

"But it not just some tome, sire! Theses are ancient texts, a forgotten language that I refuse to let drift along like wood in the river. Someone took the time to write all of this down, is it not in favor of knowledge to not let that die on deaf ears?"

"You think too much for such a squire. Come now, put that down and help me."

"But sire--"

"Oh no, boy! Not that 'knowledge before the blade' stuff again. Just do as you are told."

You did not wish to set the book down on some filthy hay, König's pride and joy of a black and grey speckled horse, Sapphire, had recently relieved herself on, you kicked over a half full buck and set it down.

"Aye 'ave you been in here long?" The captain, John Price announced with his booming voice into the stables. It never failed to make you jump, stepping on the armored foot of the Knight. He toked on a cigar from some other realm, it smelled sickly sweet it made your nose twitch.

"Yes sir, all evening, why?"

"The princess… she is feared missing. Again. The king of course has asked me to keep it quiet but I thought maybe she were out here with you." John gave you a sneering look as you kicked around some dirt.

"Nay. And why should the princess be out here with the likes of me, then?" König retorted.

He gave you a bump when he heard you curse in the presence of the captain.

You knew why he'd asked, König did as well. It is simply because--

"You two are well aquatinted. Everyone in the kingdom knows that! If she were not lusted after by suitors here or in the next realm, courted by Sebastian Kruger himself but you did not hear such from me, I would say she would on your arm, no?" Price chuckled out plumes of smoke.

"Hardly. We are merely friends. And no, I have not seen her grace."

"Very well. The scouts will be looking over the grounds, if you see her, let her know she is requested to the box."

While they chatted about the celebratory joust, being small and hidden, were able to slink away. An empty stable, no prying eyes, you revealed yourself in the corner. You whisked off the glamour magic that had made you König's squire boy. Rounding your bare shoulders, holes were daintily carved out in a wave like design that carried across your chest. Embroidery details of flowers and leaves sewn delicately through the sheer puffy sleeves.

With your head held high, you hurried out of said stable, outside of them truly, and feigned your innocence. You even hummed a little tune as you passed by, loud enough for if not one but both were to hear, to keep your secret hidden.

"Aye! My lady Y/N, where have you been?" Price barked and proceeded to bow as you made your way back to these men as if you were not just there moments ago.

"My dear captain, is it illegal for me to strut about my own kingdom? Since when?"

"That is not what I meant, I-I merely was concerned for your well being. Foreigners have been known to steal royalty at such large events. Held ransom or far worse, my dear."

"And you think the great König would have allowed that?" You scoffed, leaning an arm onto König's shoulder like a foothold. The gentle rattle of his armor was cool against your sheer sleeves. "I think not sir. I was just strolling about, enjoying the days warmth and as you can see, no harm fell on me."

"Very well," Price announced, hiding his cigar from your dress. "When you are finished here, Sebastian will be waiting for you in the box. Good luck König."

"Yes, König," you taunt, playfully of course. This double life thing was getting quite tiresome but this was the bed you made and you must lay in it. "Very good luck."

"Have you already placed your bets, my lady?" König asked, banter in his voice as well as he stroked Sapphire's tidy mane.

"First thing I did this morning!" actually the first thing you did this morning was use a bit of magic, not too much to be suspicious but enough to polish the armor the big man before donned. "You know I always bet on you."

"Ah! My biggest supporter, really."

"Ha! All of the kingdom adore you König, and you know it." You clasped your hands in front of you, testing him to see if he'd cave and look down at your cleavage. "Where is your squire? he has left his book."

"That old thing, I should just let Sapphire piss all over it. More harm than good that thing. He most likely tore out of here in a frenzy, terrified of Price."

"König! You take that back at once, if the boy has a hobby, let him have it. Lord know he needs something to deal with the likes of you all damn day!"

"I mean this in the nicest of ways dear princess, but kindly, piss off." You snorted when he tripped against the stool, bending over and righting it for him so he could properly mount Sapphire. This time you did in fact catch him peeking. Blue eyes on yours quickly thereafter.

"As you wish sir," you curtsied and just before you swayed away from the stables, you grabbed up the book. "For safe keeping of course."

"Of course, princess."

….

"Whose he up against again?" Sebastian asked next to you, over the roar of the crowd. His breath already reeking of wine.

"Keegan. USMC's finest knight. Did you not see the bulletin when you arrived two days prior?"

"Guess I was too concerned about getting between my princesses legs." You whacked him arm, your father was nearby and heaven forbid he find out you are sleeping with the potential enemy, or that you were no longer pure. Might send him into an early grave.

The truth was you hadn't slept with the man beside you, flirted with the idea, but then he would say something most fowl and you couldn't help but pray your father might put you out of your misery and have the man exiled from the kingdom.

"Watch your tongue, Sebastian. You do know I can order it cut from your face, correct?"

"Would you continue to use it?"

"You are a sick man, Kruger. Ugh."

Everyone was finally settling down for the joust, your countrymen across from you shouting jeers and the dislike for your Knight, vice versa. It was all fun and games until someone had a little too much, lost in their cups, sheets to the wind and made the wrong choice. They'd end up sleeping it off that next day in the stocks if not worse depending.

All that mattered was the book safely hidden under your seat and that König would turn to be the victor, to receive a kiss upon his helm.

Sapphire soon set the scene, prancing out on the left side of the course, shaking her mane, swishing her tail, stomping her hooves into the sand. König held up his arm, his decorated lance, to the cheering crowd. As he did his first lap around, he had Sapphire stop in front of your box and curtsey, König even tipped an imaginary hat to you.

Keegan did the same, one lap and a show of grace and gratitude.

"Who do you suppose--"

"König never fails me."

It was true. Almost as if by some divine luck did König always win once you began betting on the man. You'd watch from your fathers' box until you were old enough to get your own, years now, close in proximity of course, had to remind you not to shout too loudly, that it wasn't very ladylike. You spat at that remark. A lady can choose whatever she does. The tantrums you would throw about hearing conversations of betrothment, sent off or given to some ugly prince or old king. Blegh. The thought of being touched made your blood boil, it was bad enough Sebastian thought you might lay with.

Bundling or bare. Yuck.

One might think, by your words, that you had used your magic to keep the score, keep him on the winning list of things but this was all König. You were told he was special. The faeries told you so one evening in the veranda, making their little mushroom circle so they could live lavishly, dancing about like fire flies.

"You know of König? the blood Knight, yes?"

"Of course."

"He is very special, not only to you but to all the realm, all who look upon him. See that he is looked after. Cared for, loved and he shall return it ten fold!"

"I am not going to use a spell or curse him."

"No no, princess. Not like that. How would you nurse a kitten back to health? with time and care, patience. Preside over him as much as you can and you will be grateful and rewarded."

Their high pitch whispers in your ear tingled the hairs on your arms and neck. The little fae never left your garden, had been there before you were even thought of all those years ago, let alone how would they know about König?

And he did not fail yet again this night. The clashing of lance to chest plate, the crowd, the roar and grunts of pounding steeds and hooves in sand. The excitement, the adrenaline of watching two brutes joust and beat each other back and forth for all its' worth. All the praise, to be champion. All the spoils to the victor. Keegan was a dear friend and ally, all was not lost after the battle. Armor a bit dented, but nothing too serious. No wooden pieces had been lodged anywhere tender.

König trotted Sapphire towards your box and you made your way down the little steps, leaning over the balcony and looked straight into his eyes. They were on fire. He radiated heat and exhaustion.

You put your hands on his pauldrons and leaned in close.

"You fought valiantly, you are rewarded kindly." You kissed both sides of his helmet, lingering a bit on the second one as you could smell his aroma, distinctly König with added sweat of course. Bergamot, red currants, burning wood, hay; divine. "My blood Knight."

Sapphire even allowed a little snout pat before trotting off.

….

"Should I be worrisome, child?" Your father asks of you, as you lay in bed lipping through the pages of the book. He does not care much for your reading habits, most unbecoming of a young lady even though you are closer an age to König than most of the gentry women you surround yourself with. They are of the season, supple and willing to marry old wealth, put up with splotched hands on smooth skin, made some slave woman of her own name in a locked away tower somewhere. You've heard the horrors, seen the terrors. It is not pretty.

"Of what now, father?" You ask without even looking up.

"Of your friendship with the blood Knight," your father paced the length of you room, settling himself out on to the balcony, hands drawn and clasped behind his back. With a sigh you will your legs to move, to bookmark the page and get up. "Are you two… meaning to be more than friends?"

"Father please. König and I are truthfully platonic," you pat his shoulder with a genuine smile, even though behind your eyes and heart you wished nothing more than to be his beloved. "He cares for winning jousts as much as I. A true KorTac champion, yes? A real Knight."

"I suppose your are quite right, I just… I get the feeling there is something there and I do not know if I wish it to be true, someone to look after you once I am gone, well taken care of, loved. I do know you spend some time with Sabastian, supervised of course, to each their own child, I just do not care for his arrogance and stature."

"His stature?"

"He boasts himself too much, puts on airs. Is most embarrassing I must say."

"Agreed! Truth is father, if I were to be presented to someone for marriage I would gladly take König's hand any day."

"As friends?"

"As friends."

….

That was a lie but you did not wish to rush your father off to an early grave, if he knew your true intentions with your Knight. You would spend hours, disguised as his squire boy, listening to him rant and retell you stories of his valor, fighting off ogres at the outer wall of your kingdom. How he'd gained the trust of the elves, the way they taught him a few choice words over roast fowl and freshly caught fish. How the fire breathers danced in the moonlight, when he saved the life of several children from a dragon. He had the scales of the fallen beast sewn into his chainmail for added protection.

Not only did you want to watch the stars with König, some nights you would cast out magical hearts along your ceiling as you wished he would make you see them. Oh to be underneath him, you thought with a sigh, to see his face for the first time, to touch him, to kiss him. Maybe a true loves kiss if the faeries were correct.

"Preside over him as much as you can and you will be grateful and rewarded."

The ballroom is filled with jovial voices, sober until the actual dance begins. Sheathed swords line the walls, of all sizes, your kingdoms banners flow and move against the high ceilings. Other knights stop by your throne and bow their heads before moving on to get a drink, or something to nibble on. Which is what you are doing, quietly of course, cant be seen as royalty with spinach in your teeth now can you?

"Your grace, will you be joining me along the dance floor this evening?" Kruger suddenly popped up, he always does that, he' so slinky. Quiet as the field mice you used to catch when you were small.

"Must I?"

"I would appreciate one dance before I go to the wall, pray tell who knows how long I shall be without your beauty this time."

Forever, you grumbled to yourself and covered your mouth with a fake smile. "One dance."

"One time is all I need, princess."

Gowns of gold and greens, blue patterns woven into the busts, everyone was buzzing about, König's repeat victory, who was going to be wed at the beginning of the season, bets on who would be in the stocks come next morning.

A round of applause erupted and you need not guess who its' praise was for. He towered over everyone here he might as well be an elf. He waved and bowed to everyone, Keegan following suit, getting his own set of admirers. Some flouncy women would be joining him this evening no doubt to soothe his loss.

"Do you think you could handle that much attention, my dear? All eyes would be on you as well if you were to wed the blood knight."

Your father said next to you, a goblet in hand as he watched you watch König do his tour about the ballroom.

"I don't mind. I am not jealous, father. He can do as he pleases, go where he is needed most, helpful as long as he comes home to me in one piece."

"Well… Kruger will be displeased to hear it."

"Pfft, I do not care what the likes of Sebastian Kruger have to say. He is most, annoying is to put it lightly."

"Agreed."

The music is as light as the conversations as you dance a round with Sebastian, he's easy to move with. You've danced with him before, when you caught his eye apparently. He'd been trying to get your attention, bringing you blood stained trinkets in exchange for your affections. You weren't buying it and when he wasn't looking you'd toss them into some bushes with a roll of your eyes.

He suggested another dance when the orchestra faded out into a newer song and thankfully you didn't have to turn him down as you two bumped into König.

"Afraid not friend, this one is for me."

Kruger slunk away, giving you a bow as it would be highly inappropriate to argue with the winner of the nights' champion. It didn't help how König had said for me. You would ride that high for weeks, surely.

"You did save a dance for me didn't you, princess?"

He'd cleaned up, lighter gear of course, different helmet too. He'd even scrubbed off the coal, though his eyes were still just as bright and clear. He bowed.

"Several in fact, my knight." You also bowed and got into position, holding onto his armored body, you began to move about the room. "Have you already danced with some fellow maidens? Am I slim pickings?"

"Ha! I did not know you were suddenly a jester, my lady!" König chuckled behind his helmet, fingers intertwined with your own as he turned to spin you out only to bring you back in with your back to his chest. "Maybe you should start wearing one of those hats as well."

"Oh please, König. I know you are what the youths call a lady killer."

"I shall have you know, your grace, I have never killed a woman in my life!"

"Not seriously, you oaf."

He shook his head at you as you continued to dance, another song melted into the next and you thought he would bid you good night but instead insisted, begged for another dance. Who were you to object to his request? Plus he was warm and playful and you didn't have to pretend, using magic to be this close to him.

"You did not answer my query?" You pulled your body closer, leaning up against his armor, a blur of your reflection caught in the chest plate.

"Nein my lady, I do believe I only have enough energy to keep up with thee."

"You mean your name will not be attached to any maiden but myself?"

"That is correct. Should I use force and bring out my dagger, make it a point to the kingdom that I dare court the princess after a joust? Say the words and I shall." He joked and spun you, making you dip your head back.

"Oh König, you know I am a firm believer of knowledge before the blade."

He stilled for a moment, looking at you with earnest blue eyes. You were about to inquire what was suddenly the matter when it dawned on you what you had just exclaimed.

"I beg your pardon…. I did in fact not know that about you."

You flustered and shrugged as the other dancers proceeded to swell and dance around your still forms. "I uh, it is a common phrasing, is it not? One should be skilled in both, I am sure your squire would not mind giving you a tour in the archives. Should you pull out your blade you may as well bring out your quill as well." You tried to cover your tracks, it seemed to work as he was swaying a bit, getting into the groove of the dance once more.

"I suppose so. I have only heard my squire say such is all. And what shall I learn down there, hmm?"

"Perhaps the art of properly courting."

"Ouch! Oh how you wound me, a dagger to my side. That means I shall have to try harder to impress you then, princess. And I will."

….

You had been down in the libraries all evening, getting permission from König to do some light reading which of course meant you were pouring over that big book. The choice words, the incantations and spells were incredible. Written in a form you had you use your own magic to decipher, it took a few tries to figure out the meanings. Why were they written in the first place? If you know the casts, why keep them locked and in this two clasp book? If you are born of magic, like yourself, you would already have the knowledge, already gifted just needed to harness and control it.

You bit into your thumb while you deciphered the words in the air above you, kicked back, rocking dangerously on the back two legs of your chair.

Just then the doors burst open loudly, others studying shooshed the intruder and you could hear the clank of armored boots. Hurriedly you put the words back into the book just in case.

"Squire! There you are."

"Well yes sire, you told me I could study today."

"I think I have made a grave mistake."

"What have you done?" You asked and brought the chair back to its' original position.

He clanked and pulled out another chair, seating himself next to you, his helmet is in hands. "How old are you lad? Maybe fifteen?"

"I am all of sixteen, sire." Which is a complete farce as you are about double that, give or take a few months. "Why?"

"I figured. You have not yet begun courting young maidens. Do not follow my example as I made an absolute baffoon of myself last night at the ball. I did not mean to admit hidden feelings but I did so freely! How can I court her? What if she thinks I jest too much, I know how much she humors me with her wit but for the sake of my name and title, what shall I do?"

You looked confused. "Who did you make a mockery in front of? I did not see any such act. Was this behind closed doors?" Saliva had pooled in your mouth, had he admitted his admiration to some other beauty after your dances last night? Had you been actual slim pickings? Was he trying his best not to crush your feelings?

"You were there last night? Well my eyes were elsewhere I suppose. The princess, what must she think of me now? I dare not show my face to her. Well, you know what I mean, boy. I was in such a jovial mood I let my feelings out of their cage and for what? She is probably laughing about it with her friends. If word gets out--"

"What did you say to her, sire that would leave you in such a state?"

"I told her in not so many words that I plan on courting her! Impressing her! Showing off as if I have not been in love with her for years, how foolish of me, squire. What was I thinking? Jousting I can do with my eyes closed, protect the kingdom, no problem. Man the wall with the other Knights, tell me when and where. Battle, I have been to plenty and fought valiantly to see another day, clearly. But love, squire? I am but a pest." He clunked his helmet down on the long table.

You winced as you bit your tongue, watching your blood Knight pound his fist as if he were just a boy the age you were glamourized as. Not the recognized Knight all of Kortac and the surrounding realms and kingdoms knew of. He was in love with you? How dreadful it must've been to watch Kruger try to impress you, expressing himself with gestures.

"Sire, maybe this is not the best place to have this conversation," you shakily say, looking about the other knowledge seekers who were giving you two a dirty look. "Maybe your chambers?"

With a huff he lifted his heavy head and looked at you. "I suppose you are right, boy."

You felt incredibly small here, alone, with your Knight. His room was massive, tools of the trade, several sets of armor on display. Swords, some chipped from battle hung up above his bed in display, he did have a book or two set aside but their slipcovers looked a tad dusty. His bed was large and draped with several blankets, fluffed pillows too.

He sat at his desk, taking off his gloves and tapped where his mouth would be. "What should I do squire? What young man knowledge can you share with me if any?"

"I'm afraid I am not the right one to ask, um would you mind closing your eyes for a moment?" You held your hands behind your back, rocking on the balls of your feet.

"No funny business, or I'll take off your nose."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Just humor me a moment."

"Fine fine."

König sighed and shut his visor, you rubbed your hands together as you normal did to conjure up some magic. You took your time to reveal yourself, from the prickling, silly feeling at the crown of your skull to the ends of your feet, shimmering and fading away like balls of sand. Long gone was the boyish façade of leggings and a tattered cloak, replaced by your clean skin and dress.

"They don't have knowledge to share, but I do." Your voice came through and instantly König snapped his visor open and stood. "What are you doing here, my lady? Where is my squire? He was just here… are you in league with him?" König looked around his room, moving about, looking behind curtains, opening cupboards and closets, even the trunk at the end of his bed. Beneath it. Looking for a ghost with no name.

"I've been lying to you, König. It was the only way."

"The only way for what?" He said peeling back the curtains from his window again just to be certain.

Words bloomed and died on your tongue several times over before you finally came up with, "It was the only way I could get close to you unsupervised. No lady in waiting, no escort."

"What sort of trickery is this? Where is my squire, princess? He's here somewhere."

"I am your squire!"

"Prove yourself." He said and paused, waiting, standing still.

With a wave of your hand you transformed into his young apprentice, shock in his eyes. "See. I have been using glamour magic to conceal the truth, the faeries told me you are special and that I should look over you. I would be rewarded if I did and all that was was just an excuse to further our relationship."

"Why? Why go through the trouble?" He asked after being very visibly shocked that you were two in the same, one person, same thoughts, same actions. He came around the bed and looked down at you fumbling with your jewelry, twisting your rings, messing with your necklace. "I am just a Knight."

"Nein. You are not just some Knight König, you are my Knight and I am over the moon in love with you." You answered with a shrug when you changed back. "There was nothing to stop me."

"You love me?" König's voice wavered, on the very knifes edge of sounding accusatory. "Truly?"

"Incredibly so."

He inhaled deeply and walked past you, leaving you to look out one of his windows, you padded your way over to the high glass pane. KorTac was bustling, moving like ants in their hills and nests. Tears welled in your eyes when you did not hear him any further, left to sulk in your own dismay.

You had lied to him, pretended to be someone else entirely. Tempted to use magic, to quell your sorrow, maybe conjure up a storm so everyone know how pained you were in this moment. You may have lost him for good. You knew how filthy he thought liars were. Even if you did care for the Knight, your actions spoke volumes. Tomes the size of that book you so cleaved.

The door to his chamber creaked open, you couldn't hear his armor but instead came heavy footfalls followed by the locking of the door. "Do you mean it? The care you have for me? It is true?" His voice sounded different.

"Of course I mean it." You wiped at your eyes, tears had clumped your lashes together as you watch two little girls skip through the market below.

His footsteps pounded the floor, his hands rested on your shoulders and for the briefest of seconds, you caught his face in the glass of the window. You gasped.

"What are you doing?"

"If what you say is honest and true, turn around and face me."

You did, turning around you rocked on your feet seeing his bare face. The shape of his jaw, the curve of his lips and the bridge of his nose. All is revealed. He even smiled a little.

"You are handsome, no wonder you cover your face. Everyone would either wish to be you or to have sex with you!"

König snorted into a laugh. "Well thank you my lady, I have been called many things but handsome is not one of them." He smiled again, wider this time. "I can't believe I didn't realize it was you all this time, you kept your eyes and nose the same."

"I'm glad you didn't, I would be in quite some trouble."

"Certainly," König hummed and touched your face with the back of his hand, he'd never touched you like this before. He thumbs over your bottom lip and chin, tilting up your grinning face. "You are a very naughty girl. You have witnessed me shirtless on quite a few occasions over these last several months. Unchaperoned. How scandalous! And to think every time you went missing you were really with me."

"I was not complaining."

"Nein nein, my squire would do no such thing."

….

The first round of kisses were light and sweet, a hint of some sort of berry slipped into your mouth when he licked inside. His hands in your hair, cupping your face, holding your neck, ghosting over your collar as he wrapped you up in his arms.

It didn't feel strange or out of place when you pulled at the strings of your gown, letting it loosen around your shoulders before letting the garment pool around your feet. You stepped out of your flats, climbing on to his lap. The way his shift moved against your bare skin sent shivers up your back.

His large hands, used to battle and action, calloused and laced with past encounters felt warm against your back as he rocked you, laying back when you pushed at his chest.

"Are you in control, princess? Shall I give up all resolve?"

You only smirked and laid across him, brushing some stray strands of his hair behind his ear. "If you love me you will you let me."

"I would let you do unholy things to me." König admitted, tucking his hands behind his head as you moved down his form, lifting his shirt and mouthing over the skin you found in your wake. A large bruised on his ribs were nursed by your lips, kissing over the tapestry of scars that made him. He took it off soon after, helping you take off his trousers as well.

You stilled your hand above his groin, feeling the heat radiate off his conditioned body.

"Do I have your allowance?"

"You have every permission, princess."

You were overly full when you rose to fit him inside your cunt, already as mess of arousal. The noise he made when you sat, taking all of his length at your speed was incredible. You desperately needed to hear it, more of it. Apparently for König as well as he let out more sighs and moans of pleasure, grabbing your rocking hips and rolled you over with a hrmph.

He hissed through his teeth, "I can't take much more of that pace I'm afraid, my lady."

"Eager to fill me are you Knight?" You giggled, feeling him twitch inside you, he bent down and framed your head with his hands, pining your wrists to the bed.

"All night if you let me."

"Like you said," you leaned up and kisses him hard, flexing your hands. "I would let you do unholy acts to me."

That motivation is what got you pinned and fucked more than once that night. His thick cock slipping through your folds as if you were made for each other, he fit so snuggly. Your pussy trapped him, the praises he sang in your honor. How you sobbed his name when he thrusted into you, moving his hips as if he were riding Sapphire. The reverb of the meat of your ass when he finally rolled you over for a second round, bouncing and reveling in the way König's voice sounded almost watery against your ear.

I love you's in between sloppy kisses, the sharp pinch of teeth on flesh. You couldn't get enough. Yes your Knight was inside you, both of you moving as one, connected. Attached. The look in his eyes when he'd pull his cock out slowly only to push it back into your spongy, wet walls. You moved up the bed, the wood of the headboard bouncing gently with his thrusts.

"You are a naughty princess, haven't even properly courted you yet and here you are, balls fucking deep."

"Keep it up my love, you will cum for me once more."

"Can't believe you feel this fucking good. All our b-banter, our back and forth for this to turn into true love. I love you princess."

König held your throat while you rode him, moaning his name, scratching your nails down his arms. You leaned down, burrowing your face into this side of his sweaty neck, on instinct you licked some of it, delighted by König's groan and grab to your hip, you bit down, sucking on him.

You came again, holding on to him tight, the feeling of him bucking up into you, matching push and pull with a chase to climax together once more. You were already sticky, already filled up three times, as round after round had you two on the edge.

"One more princess, one more time for your Knight." König purred after digging his free hand into your hair, keeping you at his neck.

"I don't think I can! I am empty." You whined but kept fucking him.

"Nonsense princess, you are simply filled with me. Load after load you have taken. I am addicted to this pleasure you have wrought out of me."

It was then that you straightened up, leaning back enough to rub at your bundle of nerves, swollen still, dripping wet with hidden activities. König enjoyed the look of what you were doing to yourself, holding onto one of your breasts as you rubbed yourself faster, König could not take his eyes away.

"König please…. bitte I can't… I can't last… I'm--"

"I know it I know it, my love. I can feel you shaking, let it out for me bitte. Then we rest."

You felt it building up, your heart pounding in your chest, exhausted and incredibly satisfied. You could even hear how wet you were, how messy your pussy could sound. Messy with his cum and your arousal, thinking of yourself roaming your kingdom with his seed dripping down your unseen legs got you there. You toppled over, a fresh release of wetness and you were done for.

"One. Last. Time."

Slain by your own hand.

"Bless you princess, I knew you could do it." König groaned, finishing inside you for the fourth time, you were sure he was the empty one now. The morning light shone through his windows as you both laid there, holding hands and catching your breaths.

You laughed into his shoulder, sore but in the best and earned way possible. He kissed your forehead and tucked into your side. You were glad that you had listened to the fae, because you were clearly grateful and rewarded.

Tagging: @powerfultenderness @nepomami

[nkogneatho]

𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍

—cw: this is just hella angst and a lil fluffy, character death, jjk au but altered a bit, megumi is reader's son and toji and reader are couples so don't get this twisted because of the tags.

—a/n: please cry. or do inhave to cut onions??? no but fr i was sobbing hard while writing this because yaknow how much i love my man :(( please give feedbacks tho i love reading them.

your eyes were resting close. there was sense of guilt, panic and fear gnawing megumi as he sat on the stool next to your hospital bed. there were a million reasons he could've prevented this. a million. but what is supposed to happen, happens. if he rushed home quicker, you, his mother wouldn't be lying on the hospital bed right now. if only he would've been aside you, keeping you company instead of on a mission, he would've saved you from those corrupt sorcerers. but it happened. and now he was scared, praying every god to turn back time or save you somehow even when the doctor's had announced you wouldn't make it.

you fluttered your eyes open, and slowly adjusted your head to meet your son who was resting his face in his hands, probably sobbing.

"me-gumi..."

"MOM?" his voice was drenched in panic and fear but he eased it out, making sure not to startle you. "you're fine. you're completely alright. just rest and go to sleep okay?"

"since when do you lie to your mom?" he was stunned you caught his lie "i know...i know my body better than anyone else," you stated. his lips quivered in guilt. poor boy. why does he blame himself for everything?

"gumi?" he couldn't form words so he just replied with a hum. "it's not your fault. i don't blame you for anything."

"but—"

"you're the best son i could ever ask for. i know i didn't give birth to you, but not once i ever felt like you weren't my son...not on—not once did i ever feel like you weren't a part of my heart...", a tear rolled of his eye. "so don't blame yourself or you'll be insulting my heart."

"you are the best mother ever." you chuckled lightly because you remembered once he brought an essay home with the same topic. "my mom is the best mom in the world," in his crooked handwriting and drawing of you and his dad holding hands with him. oh right. dad. he knew it was his dad that he fought in shibuya when you told him when he was finally ready. he spiraled into a emotional mess to gulp everything and then your words finally cleared the blurry pictures he had in his head of his childhood.

"is there something you want me to tell your dad when i meet him?" megumi stopped breathing for a few seconds before he finally let out a sigh.

"tell papa...i am sorry." megumi and toji never really had that deep and close father-son bond. there as never a right time in their life.

"he is not mad at you megumi. we're—we're parents. we will always love our child even when they hate us. and you hated him for the right reasons." he was in the verge of sobbing. "megumi...look at me." he lifted his head to meet your eyes. "your dad loved you. he really did. and i am sure when i meet him...he will ask about you first."

"promise me you'll be my mom again in the next life?" he offered his pinky.

"i promise." you entagled your pinky with his.

"i love you mom." you smiled. you didn't say it back. you didn't need to. he knew that you loved him so much.

megumi gently took your hand resting on the hospital mattress and tucked it between his palms. he was warm. or maybe it was your blood running cold. colder and colder till you shut off your eyes, the smile disappearing as your muscles relaxed and heart gave up. megumi's eyes lost inq containing the river of tears and they finally rolled down.

*sounds of waves*

you opened your eyes to bright blue sky mirroring on the ocean, the waves emerging and lacing your feet, the sand tickling your toes. you looked around to find something else but it was all just...beach. till your eyes fell on someone they've been starving to see for years. your husband. the love of your life was right in front of you.

toji smiled and you exhaled in relief, but the exhale bought the years of pent up pain appear on your face, making tears fall constantly.

"i waited for so long, baby." god, his voice. you missed it so much.

you ran. you ran till you were in the arms of your lover, and toji embraced you like he would never let go. "i am here." you cried and he did too. his lips pressed against yours so tightly. he stopped to look at you and ponder at your beautiful face. a face everyday that he tried not to forget. he never could but now you were here finally.

"how's megumi?"

"that idiot. always blaming himself. did you mention how shitty i was?"

"he said "tell papa i am sorry, ha."

toji laughed.

"i did. but he still loves you." you both thought it was funny. "he's your son after all. doesn't show it, but he's stubborn like you inside."

"i am not stubborn."

"yes you are. you got yourself killed even when i told you not to. you left me alone to survive in a world without you even when i told you don't. do you know how hard it was everyday to live without you, toji?" your words getting a little unclear towards the end as you sobbed and yelled.

toji hugged you once again. "i am sorry."

"you should be!"

"i know." he kissed your forehead. "why don't you tell me what happened all these years while we take a walk on a beach?" your puppy eyes peered up at him. "we have forever now."

[leighsartworks216]

Get Up Goddamn You!

Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

I still have not played the game yet nor watched any playthroughs (I need to watch Neil's but I just haven't gotten around to it yet) so idk how accurate some of this is, I just sort of went for it so yeah

Based on this post by @jamesdeniscouldnever

Warnings: death. blood, heavy angst, swearing, bittersweet ending

Word Count: 1,139

Masterlist

AO3

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A shock of ice stabbed through your chest and you stilled. Stopped frozen in your tracks. And then it was gone. Torn from your body.

It hurt to breathe. You couldn’t breathe. You gasped and your mouth filled with liquid. You were drowning. But no matter how much your brain screamed, you couldn’t fight it. Your lungs filled up until your ribs ached. It’s okay. That soon faded.

Maybe you were under water after all. Maybe this was all just a dream. Maybe it was river water you choked on. Maybe you couldn’t hear because everything was muffled underwater. Maybe… maybe…

Everything felt so heavy. A jolt shocked your system as you fell to your knees, but it faded with everything else. You thought you heard a scream. A voice, pressing just there at the edge of… the edge of something. Who was that? Why were they screaming?

Your vision spun and jostled and twisted and turned until you were staring up at the sky. A face, haloed by fluffy clouds. His hair almost blended with them as they floated by.

You tried so hard to focus… If you could just know what he was saying. His lips moved so frantically. Too fast. Too…

He looked so scared. So afraid. You wanted to hold him, tell him everything was okay, but your arms remained leaden at your side. No matter how much you fought, they wouldn’t budge. Or, you couldn’t feel them moving, anyway. You tried to tell him instead. It hurt to see him so distraught - if you could just comfort him-

The words got trapped in your throat. You needed to cough. There was too much water in your mouth, in your lungs, in your everything. You needed to breathe. His hand brushed your hair back. It felt so nice. So so nice… So……

You try to remember this man. He’s so beautiful. Was he a god? He had to be. And what were you? Just……

You can’t keep looking. You fight to keep your eyes open, to keep looking at his white hair and red eyes and beautiful, beautiful face. But you’re so tired. And you’re so weak. And a nap sounds so good. And when you wake up, you can find him again, and look at his face, and tell him it’s okay. You just needed a nap. Just a quick nap.

He jostles your body as your eyes slip shut. You can feel the liquid trailing down your neck and down the collar of your shirt, but the darkness calls to you so sweetly. Cold and warm and sad and happy and so, so easy. You fall into her arms without a second thought, as they fade with your life.

Astarion stares at the corpse in his arms. Your corpse. Drenched in blood, most of it your own. A gaping hole in your chest and blood pouring from your mouth. He’s disgusted by how sweet it smells.

His hands are covered in your blood as he cups your face, rubbing a thumb under your eye and begging for you to open them again. Please, just this one favor for him and he’d never ask for anything else. Just please open your fucking eyes. He doesn’t hear the words spilling from his lips, begging over and over and whispering your name like a spell. All he succeeds in doing is smearing blood over your skin.

They have magic - back at the camp. If they just carry you back, lay you down, you could be brought back. The hole would be sewn up, you wouldn’t have blood pouring down your chin like a vampire who gorged himself to an ecstatic death. It would be okay, it had to be. You had to be okay.

He’s inconsolable as he carries you. Your head is limp against his shoulder. Your arm hangs down and sways with each step. There’s blood all over him and all he can smell is you, you, you. The iron lingers in the air and hits his tongue and he wants to be sick. He keeps a brutal pace, everyone struggling to keep up behind him. Your cheek is cold against his skin and he wants to scream. Never in all these weeks knowing you have you ever been colder than him. And with each step, the warmth evaporates from you and the chill sets in.

He lays you down reverently in your bedroll. You cannot feel how gently he treats your body as he tucks your arms by your sides and brushes your hair from your face. And then in the blink of an eye he’s tearing the camp apart.

He digs through every bag he can find, every chest and pocket. He searches for just one fucking scroll. If he could just bring you back, then it would be okay again. He could stop feeling so fucking awful. And you’d be there! Warm and breathing and- and…

And he finds nothing. Withers is missing - wandered off or who fucking knows. Wyll goes to find him and Astarion can���t keep pacing around or he’s going to collapse. So he sits by your side. He can’t breathe. His chest is constricted. His eyes have burned for the last hour and it’s only now he realizes he’s been crying. Your blood dries and cracks on his hands. It’s already beginning to turn brown. He hesitates at first, but then he grabs your hand and pulls it into his lap and gods why did he have to feel so awful.

He doesn’t leave your side. He can’t. You’re already dead, but he fears that somehow you’ll disappear if he looks away for even a moment. If he so much as thinks about slipping between the trees for a bite, he’s consumed with fear and guilt and anger.

So he stays. Your hands get so cold before the sun’s even fully below the horizon. He can’t stop himself from holding them between his own and blowing the warmest breath he can manage, massaging the brief heat into your fingertips. It never lasts. Even the fire does not seem to touch you.

When Wyll finally drags Withers back, the sun is rising, and Astarion is too exhausted to shout. All he can manage is a glare as he tosses a bag of coin at his feet.

And when you at last open your eyes to the bright rays of morning, you’re pulled into his chest. You shiver and weakly wrap your arms around him. He can feel the heat slowly returning to your body. You try to pull away to ask what happened - it’s all a blur - but he holds you tighter. He presses his face into your neck and just breathes you in. You barely manage to whisper that it’s okay, that you’re okay, and he sobs.

---

Tag List:

@satelliteapotheosis

@hypopxia

@flsalazar

@beverlybeav

@angelofthorr

@emiemiemiii

@marina-and-the-memes

[themotherofhorses]

pairing: aemond targaryen x handmaid!reader

summary: “she’s a bastard—‘innit the truth, mother?”

warnings: explicit language. angst. much angst. nothing but angst. i cannot stress it enough.

notes: well this is rather unfortunate.

his handmaid's tales | main masterlist

The raven arrives at nightfall, at an hour so late that only Aemond is awake to accept it. The princeling could not find sleep that night, instead rolling off the bed and crossing the chambers to his windows, before pulling back the heavy tapestries and throwing them open one by one.

The cool air is a welcoming feeling to his feverish skin, hot to the touch from hours of lovemaking under the sheets.

He stands facing the darkness, naked and at utter peace, in pure happiness. His precious girl sleeps soundly behind him, with the thick furs pulled up to her chin, hiding the most of her beneath the blankets. She is so utterly beautiful in the moonlight. It’s been three long months since his sons were born, and Aemond was beginning to hope his seed would again take. His loins ache at the thought, and he fights the sudden urge to slip in between her thighs. Perhaps she’d give him a daughter this time.

In his dreams, she wears her mother’s face, in a gown of Targaryen colors with a dragon hatchling sitting on her shoulder. She pokes him awake in the morning, and pleads for a quick ride atop Vhagar before grandmother arrives to begin her history lessons.

His daughter has his love’s eyes and smile, he thinks again, and her nose scrunches up in the same way hers does.  

I want it.

He shakes his head.

Let her rest, you fool.

When the black raven arrives at his windowpane, he is a bit confused. He waves the bird away before it could make another squawk, and stares down at the scroll taken from it, eying the blood-red ribbon tied into a pretty, tight knot around. In his head, he weighs the choices in taking it as his own. Should he…? Or should he not? His curiosity clashes with his righteousness.

Aemond decides to, in the end.

He takes the scroll to his desk, quietly lighting a small candle before taking a seat and unrolling it out to read. The writing is in pretty cursive yet smells of cheap ink, with a slight smudge staining the edge of the paper. It is addressed to his handmaid, he realizes, starting with her name that leads to a sweet congratulations on her newfound motherhood. Twins, your uncle had said. How marvelous to hear. I hope to meet them soon, my dear.

With all the love in this lifetime—your mother, Alys Rivers.

“With all the love in this lifetime,” he repeats aloud, shaking his head, refusing to believe. His fingers tighten around the letter, the tips turning a jarring white. “Your mother, Alys Rivers.”

Aemond then glares up at the woman lying in his bed, a bitter twist on his mouth. She shifts a little bit beneath his gaze, but remains relaxed and asleep and blissfully ignorant of the rising anger sparking deep inside him.

Who is she? For the first time since he met her, he asks himself that.

He should’ve suspected this.

“A bastard, Lord Beesbury, mothered by the daughter of a milk cow.”  

Aemond turns away from her, back to the darkness outside.

Her mother is a bastard rivers woman, it seems. At least that is how it reads. Alys Rivers. She carries no man’s last name in her letter. What is her daughter, if not the same as her? He picks at his mind, trying to remember if she ever mentioned her father. Aemond returns to staring up at the moon and the white stars blinking high above in the midnight sky.

He suddenly feels no desire to return to bed with her tonight.

But she is the mother of your children, his mind argues, and it leaves him irritated.

She’s given him two heirs, his first-born children, beautiful twin boys that are mirrors to their own father, himself. And the daughter he’s dreamt of…But…they’re bastards too, he then reminds himself. You love them the same way you love her, do not lie to yourself. It was not enough to ease his thoughts, and reason with him, and stop the ugly bitterness from rising in his throat.

Damn her.

Aemond stuffs the letter inside one of the desk drawers, not wishing to lay eyes on it again. Maybe he’ll burn it later in the day. He then shrugs on his robe, tying it around his waist, before leaving the room. She’ll wake up in the morning, and search for his hand buried within the sheets. When she realizes she is alone in the bed, he knows she will pout before readying to tend to her babies, like the mother he’s made her into.

Damn her.

Then she will move on to her responsibilities, like the silly, dumb handmaid she is.

Damn her.

That is all she should’ve remained, Aemond thinks, curiously calm as he strides down the hallway. He doesn’t know where he is going, but he knows he will not return this night. Bastards never amount to anything else.  

Aemond hasn’t spoken to her in three days, dismissing his handmaid from his bedchamber before he retires for the evening. She no longer fetches his hot baths or crawls beneath the blankets with him. He hasn’t allowed it. He avoids the nursey too, where he knows his twin sons sleep in their cots, too young to notice their father’s absence. Aemond walks the halls of the Red Keep, as he has walked a thousand times before, but disregards all the rooms where he knows her presence painfully lingers.

She does not fight nor question him. He knows she won’t.

“Aemond.”

He hears her voice in his slumber, always- sometimes in a breathless whisper, and most times in a scream, or a whimper, or an anguished howl. She always manages to find him, following him into his dreams and nightmares and antagonizing him into insanity. Her shadow stands over his bed. And around her neck dangles the sapphire necklace, while her pretty eyes weep both tears and blood.

“Aemond, please!” she cries, bawling up the sides of her dress in her fist. The plain cloth is stained in dried blood, splashed across her belly and thighs. “Aemond, please, I need you, husband!”

“AEMOND.”

This time tonight, it causes Aemond Targaryen to jerk upright, pulled from a horrible nightmare that still clouds his thoughts. The sheets are tangled between his fingers, and his heart is heaving heavily within his breast. He hears her voice echoing, begging for her husband. “Aemond.” His attention quickly darts to the door, where his mother stands, tall and regal and noticeably pissed. She calls his name again loudly. Although still groggy, he stumbles his way towards her.  

His mother does not greet him. Instead, her brown eyes remain on his empty bed, skimming across the sheets and the way the heavy fur blanket nearly hangs off the foot of his bed. He must’ve kicked it off him during his sleep.

She frowns at the sight, before looking back at him.

“So it is true, then.”

Aemond rubs at his eye, tilting his head in confusion. “What is true, mother?”

“That she hasn’t been seen in your room for the past three days; instead, she’s returned to her old room across the castle, where the other maids sleep. Three days, and three nights.” His mother spoke in anger, yet her face remained a mask that betrayed nothing. It is one thing he greatly admired about her, in the same way it terrified him the most. “And you haven’t visited your sons as well, I’m told.”

He flushes. “I’ve been busy,” he grumbles, shifting on his bare feet. “I’ll see them tomorrow, in the morning after we break fast together.”

“Tomorrow? You’ll see them tomorrow? AEMOND!” she shouts, incredulous. Her hair hangs loosely around her face, and she pushes a thick strand behind her right ear. “You wanted these babies so badly, and yet you are beginning to neglect them before their second nameday. Have you lost all fucking sense?!”

Aemond bites his tongue in an attempt to keep his own temper from flaring up in response to her yelling. He says nothing in return, which he knows only upsets his mother further.

“What has happened, Aemond?” she asks. “This is unlike you. You love those boys, and that girl too.”

“Nothing,” he says, a bit too quickly. “Nothing has happened. I’ve simply been too busy to play anymore games with her.”

“Games? Games?! That is all shit,” his mother blazes. “Utter shit. Do not begin to take me as a fucking fool, Aemond. I am not your father, and I am not your brother, and eldest sister either. Now you tell me, boy, what has happened.”

Aemond sighs. “She’s a bastard—‘innit the truth, mother?” He meets her eyes and feels his poor heart sinking at the silent shock that instantly falls across her features and the way she makes no move to deny it. “A bastard.” Saying it aloud, it makes him wish to return to his bed, and curl up in his sheets, completely hidden from this cruel world that damned him to fall in love with a stupid bastard girl. “A damn, no good, bastard girl from Harrehnal—”

But he is then cut off by a sharp backhand blow to the side of his face that quickly sends him stumbling two steps back, almost falling hard against the wall. Aemond holds his cheek, breath hitching as he brushes a tender finger against the already reddening skin that he knows will surely show a dark bruise on the morrow. It feels hot, and it stings. He looks up at his mother, who has never hit him before.

“How dare you speak of her in such a way,” she spits, purpled with rage. Her hand twitches at her side, as if she itches to slap him again. He deserves it, he thinks. “HOW DARE YOU. She is the mother of your children, and you dare behold her with such loathing venom?”

“AND YOU DID NOT THINK TO TELL ME BEFOREHAND?” he shouts back, half hurt from the realization that she watched him fall smitten with the bastard, and never thought to tell him the truth. “She is the cousin of those bastards that took my eye, their own blood!”

“And? It is the truth, yes, that she is a riverlands bastard, born to a woman at Harrenhal. Lord Larys is her true uncle, who brought her to us at my request. But damn you, Aemond, that girl is so fucking in love with you.”

All his words fall stuck in his throat, and he fails to push them out.

“Have you nothing more to say?”

His queen mother sniffs when he says nothing, shaking her head. “Unbelievable. Perhaps it is best she drinks the moon tea, lest she gives you another child that you won’t love nor appreciate because of its mother’s unfortunate bastardy.” Aemond remains silent, and her mouth drops into another scowl. “You lied to me when you promised that you would never be your father or Aegon.”

I am not, he wants to scream out. His knees buckle in weakness at her cruel words, and the sheer disappointment laced within them. It hurts worse than her slap.

I love her so much, I swear, and my boys too. I love anything she gives me, and I promise…I promise…I promise…

“You, Aemond, carry their eyes and hair and nose, everyone can see. But I know the truth now—you carry their pig attitude as well,” she remarks, pushing herself toward him. “I’ll send her back to her mother, I promise, and find another handmaid for you, one that is to your liking.”  

She says not another word, instead turning to the houseguard that had accompanied her to his hall. “I’m tired. Please help me back to my bedchamber,” she asks, pressing her fingertips against his temple. “I would appreciate such, my good knight.”

His mother leaves him silent and still, sad and scared and helpless and heartbroken, staring down at his toes as they grow damp from his tears.

tag list for "his handmaid's tales": @aemondsblog @dc-marvel-girl96 @neobanguniverse @missalycat21 @enchantingcupcakecollectionfan @padfooteyes @alexizodd @avidreader73 @the-common-cowgirl @inlovewithhisblueeyes @elegantsplendour @katzarantos @fan-goddess @okfashionista @randomdragonfires @aemvnd @mochimommy2002 @fangirlninja67 @iiamthehybrid @bellstwd @katzarantos @crazymusicgirl104

taglist for everything aemond: @randomdragonfires @aemvnd @moonteas @chompchompluke

[chisubi]

a recollection of bellflowers — h. rindō

content. fem!reader, slice of life, implied／referenced infidelity (not by you or rindō), non-linear

word count. 7.4k

note. this is something i’ve been working on for a while because i have no idea how to write rindō . . . >< i wanted this to have a summery shōjo feel to it, so hopefully i was able to capture it well enough ?? (also, sorry, this is a little unedited.)

i had to force myself to finish this or else i would end up forgetting about it again ! there’s only three parts to this, however, updates will be sporadic :x

part one ／ from summer, 1999

Your fiancé has a lover in Tokyo.

He doesn’t tell you, you never ask, you just know — a woman’s intuition is never wrong. Something you learned from your dear mother.

Two nights ago, while you are both lying beside one another in bed, he complains that he has yet another business trip in Tokyo [his last one was just a few weeks ago], he asks if there is anything you would like him to buy — like that dessert you find yourself indulging in a little too much these days, a new novel to add to your collection of unread books that you swear you will get to them eventually, a new set of coffee mugs or a bouquet of your favourite flowers. You tell him, “No, it’s okay. I don’t need anything.”

He doesn’t press when you decline. Instead, he leans down to capture your lips with his before he leaves; the wind rushes by, chilling over the spot he had touched. His “I’ll miss you” never reaches you, carrying with it the ghosts of your past. His “I love you” completely passes you by. Ever-so-fleeting.

It’s been this way for a few months now. You don’t know when it first began, but the signs became more and more obvious as the days passed by. Rather than sadness or anger, you don’t really feel anything anymore. Only regret remains. Those memories and promises you both made together are beginning to fade. And what seems to make your heart shake is that you don’t know what to do, despite change and abandonment seemingly always following after you. Time and time again. Even after all these seasons, you are still lost.

When summer burns, or when fireworks spark up the midnight sky, you feel it on your tongue and skin as the same memories fill your mind once again. That summer night by the river’s edge. And summer nights following that — all of them are unforgettable, always leaving you feeling the bittersweet taste of citrus and honey drowning in the back of your throat. Too sweet, too sour. 

No matter where you are in the world, a spirit of a little girl clinging onto the sandbox of an old playground remains in Roppongi. Abandoned, yet not once forgotten. Your flesh, blood, and bones will always be made up of Rindō and Ran from way back then. You hold these memories deep in your heart so preciously like a collection of little treasures as you continue to grow older.

A quarter before midnight, the moon is down and clouded by the fog; you take the train all the way to Roppongi. It’s strangely empty inside, you cannot see what lies outside. Tired and uneasy, the sound of the midnight train running across the tracks lulls you to sleep.

—

You are eleven when your mother drops you off at your grandfather’s house all the way in Roppongi during the summer; miles away from the countryside you grew up in. She doesn’t wait for your grandfather to open the door to come and greet you. She yells out how she will see you in a few weeks, the engine roars, and she is gone.

You have never met any grandparents before. Your mother doesn’t like to talk about them, so you never ask, not wanting to overstep the invisible line (she is scary when she is in a foul mood). You learn to be a good child because you want to see your mother smile again — she stopped smiling for months now, and you don’t know why. However, you believe she will feel better once she picks you up in a few days.

After all, adults need their rest as well (or something like that).

You soon also learn that your grandfather is a tall, scary man. A seemingly permanent scowl, a low and gruff voice that is only heard through a few words. A strong scent of alcohol lingers on the collar of his shirt – one you sometimes smell on your mother’s breath – he looks at you so emptily, then sighs. The chill in the air prickles against your exposed skin, you gulp.

No matter how silent of a man he is, you are a good daughter, so you introduce yourself to him and thank him for letting you stay with him — “I’ve always imagined meeting you, grandpa. I saw you in a picture before!” 

These words seem to catch his attention. His tracks stop, he doesn’t look back, and all you can see is his wide back. You hear him mumble something beneath his breath, you don’t catch any of the words — you weren’t meant to. Something sticks out about your grandfather. Something you can’t help, but focus on is his missing a pinky. You try not to stare, and he doesn’t say anything when he catches your innocent, curious eyes. Rather, he doesn’t say anything at all to you and you can’t help but become overly sensitive to every draw of his breath.

You wish you were back home in that little countryside town, tucked far away from this bizarre place. You want your mother to come and pick you up.

You would rather be at home with her than here.

—

Surprisingly, you got more sleep than you expected last night. This is your first time sleeping in a bed that doesn’t belong to you; in a place that is so foreign to you.

And you guess it wasn’t so bad. The mattress is a lot softer than the one back at home.

Breakfast is simple and traditional. A bowl of steamed rice, fried mackerel with a side of nattō (you don't like the smell, but you try your best to swallow the beans without making any faces, and fail). The mackerel on your plate is neatly pulled apart, bones discarded, and you smile to yourself. Your grandfather is more attentive — kinder than he looks. Your teachers have always told you and your classmates to never judge someone based on their appearance.

“Um . . . Grandpa?” Silence is met with your call. However, you take that silence as a sign to continue speaking. “Can I, uh, may I go outside for a little bit?” 

“There’s a park nearby,” he simply replies with a few words before directing his attention back onto the television.

Your eyes brighten. “Okay, thank you!”

Quickly shoving down your breakfast, you’re out the door and ready to play.

So, your grandfather isn’t the greatest at giving directions. After some twists and turns and walking back and forth, it is not too hard to find the park he vaguely described. 

There's a group of kids playing on the playground, dangling off the monkey bars and sitting around. Too shy to approach, you shuffle over to the swing set, and rock yourself back and forth.

After some moments of swinging, and looking back at them to your feet, you hear a bunch of footsteps heading towards you.

You look up in anticipation and nervously smile at the group of boys in front you. Maybe they want to join you? [Hopefully.] “Um, hi! Did you want to—” Your words are immediately cut off as someone steps right in front of you.

“Get off.”

“H-huh?”

“H-huh?” A boy mocks with a high pitch tone and your cheeks heat up when you hear laughter surrounding you.

“Get off so we can play,” this one stands in front of you, hair short with a red cap in his hand. “You can hear properly, right?”

Someone says, “No, I don’t think she can.”

Another laughs.

The short-haired boy glares at you, hand reaching over and tugs on your hair — hard. You yelp as your hand immediately wraps around his wrist. “We told you to move, so move,” he harshly shouts and you flinch as your ear rings.

You don’t understand why they’re mad or why they are telling you to leave. This has never happened to you back at home before.

You yell at the boy to let go of you, pushing his arm away as hard as you can. However, this action only leads him to pull hard this time. You yelp. The group breaks out into snickers and grins.

Traitorously, your body betrays you as tears gather in the corner of your eyes. You don’t want to cry — you don’t like crying, never wanting anyone to see your tears. But you feel so helpless and lost and alone.

"Hey, wait, you're gonna make her cry. . .” Someone speaks up and for a second, you’re hopeful.

“I’m not even doing it hard. She’s just being a baby,” the short-haired boy scoffs before he accuses, “why do you care? You like her?”

His face flushes, and beneath the thick frames of his glasses, his widened eyes shake. “No way!”

“I bet you think she’s pretty.”

The boy gags as he takes great strides away from you. His arms cross over his chest as he yells, “Gross. Over my dead body.”

“Oh, is that so?”

It’s a voice that comes out of nowhere, causing you to jump. Colour drained from the faces in front of you; awfully, sickly pale.

And it comes fast all too fast — someone running in between you and the group of boys with a flying fist. Another one and another one. Colour falls from your cheeks mirroring the group and unlike them, you find yourself unable to move. To run away. You think you see a drop of red splattered on the concrete as you tightly shut your eyes, your body shakes and you cover your ears in an attempt to block the sound.

Someone cries. Screams, shoes smacking against the pavement, and laughter — one both loud and taunting. Then all of a sudden, everything goes silent. Hesitantly, you slowly open your eyes. Purple fills your entire vision. You jump at the sudden close proximity, you can feel their hair tickling your cheek as he leans in close to you.

There’s glass covering purple gems.

The boy asks, "Are you good?” 

You slowly nod, “Thank you for, um . . . helping me?” You say this rather confusingly, unable to comprehend everything that had happened within minutes. You take a step back as you look around, you don’t see any of those boys from earlier. They vanished as if they were never here, the footprints made in the sandpit and droplets of blood remind you otherwise. 

Your eyes fall towards his hands that punched those bullies — knuckles all red, you bite your lip to conceal your quivering lips. You turn to the taller boy with no visible cuts or bruises, only a smug grin on his face that matches with the one in front you, and you thank him as well. When you take a better look at him, you notice the two of them sort of look similar.

He looks down at you and waves a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. Those guys were lame for ganging up on you. They always pick fights with people weaker than them.”

“Right, those idiots got what was coming for them,” the other boy adds with a laugh. “Are you not from around here?”

You shake your head.

“Thought so. Haven’t seen you around here before. So, what’s your name? I’m Rindō, and that’s my older brother, Ran,” the boy – Rindō – introduces.

You tell them your name and thank them once again.

“Uh-uh. Just tell us if they bother you again. We’ll deal with it,” says Ran.

You perk up, “You will?”

“Yeah, Roppongi belongs to the Haitani brothers.”

Roppongi belongs to the two boys who don’t seem older than you. Confused, you ask, “Are you guys protectors or something? Like heroes?”

Your words are met with snorts that evolve into laughter. Beside you, Rindō gives you a toothy grin as he readjusts his glasses. “I guess if that’s what you think, then sure.”

The heroes of Roppongi.

The sun is shining and his smile glows.

Meeting the Haitani brothers was probably nothing special, a similar story that could be told by countless people during their youth. However, to you, an eleven-year-old girl being picked on at the playground, helpless and tear-stained, they seemed like your heroes. So bright and blinding. A moment that changes your entire life.

—

Ran and Rindō have come to knock on the door to your grandfather’s house nearly everyday since then. When the old man opens it to see two unfamiliar children, he sighs before calling out your name (which makes your heart jump from your chest from how loud his voice can be). And you’re quick to slip on your old running shoes and bolt out the door.

Rindō tells you he found a cool place the other day, a hidden room at the back of an old shrine, and he wants to show it to you. Keeping up with the Haitanis is hard; chasing after them is even harder. Their legs aren’t that much longer than yours, but their strides are far too long, too fast.

Rindō is kind enough to slow down, only for a moment. “You’re too slow,” he complains before grabbing your hand and pulls you along to keep up with them. Without noticing, you don’t trip over your own feet anymore.

“Careful, Rindō,” Ran lowly warns as his hand reaches out and wraps around Rindō’s wrist, pulling him away from walking up the stone steps. The tall, red torii gate looms above. A crow lingers at the very top. “Don’t you know young children get spirited away here?”

“Huh? Spirited away? Like the movie?”

“No, no. Not the film, Rin,” Ran snickers at his brother’s words, you don’t understand what Ran finds so funny. And Rindō doesn’t seem to know either, but his face is red and he looks mad at Ran. “The legends. Haven’t you heard that the yōkai will come and snatch you up? They take away children who run off alone. They’ll come to get you, dummy.”

Rindō shakes his head, staring up at his brother with skeptical lavender eyes. “No way. You’re just trying to scare me again. I won’t fall for it anymore, nii-chan.”

“Nuh-uh, ‘m serious this time.” Ran says this so lightly, it sounds unconvincing.

Rindō's glare hardens as he crosses his arm. “Okay. Why are you such a liar these days?”

“Am not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No—”

You block out their childish bickering — they always seem to do this. It’s always Ran who seems to start it. And through their yelling, an old memory flashes in your mind. Your head perks up in remembrance as you gasp. 

This garners their attention because they both immediately stop their “argument” and turn to look at you.

“Wait, it is true! I heard that Tomoko-chan from the class next door visited the shrine last summer and she never returned . . .” you pitch in with the eerie rumour your classmates had whispered to each other last year — Tomoko-chan got taken away by a monster. Those words reach to the end of the long hallways and snuck into the wooden panels in the room. Kids at school don’t go anywhere alone now.

In the distance, a crow caws.

So, you learn something new: monsters also live in the city. They don’t only reside in the little town you grew up in. Monsters exist everywhere in the world.

The brothers send each other a look, one that you don’t understand, something only they know — only them. You watch as they communicate through stares alone before turning their attention back onto you.

“Really?”

Quickly nodding, you add, “Yup, it’s true. I swear. Everyone said so. She went to make a wish, and then disappeared. Her family isn’t even in town anymore.”

Ran lets out an exaggerated sigh. He crosses his arms with a half smile to his face. “See, I was looking out for you.”

“Right. Don’t you think you’ve been lying too much to me lately? At least, learn to make it believable.”

Ran laughs before quietly saying, “If you’re scared, just say so.”

The crow above the gate caws, careful, you glance up at the noise, to the long steps then to Ran, and then Rindō, who looks up at his brother clearly unimpressed.

Obviously, Rindō isn’t scared of ghosts, or yōkai, or monsters that eat children. He is already too old to believe in things like that. He protests and says this, despite you and Ran telling him otherwise, Rindō is skeptical. He says he still doesn’t believe you, he can’t believe you would make up a lie and follow Ran, and you tell him you would never lie to him or anybody. Only bad people lie.

However, the Haitani brothers are closer than anyone — they told you this when you first met, so it’s to no one’s surprise when they turn around and gang up on you instead. Because you are scared, or so Rindō insists. Ran says it’s okay because you are a girl and you’re just a baby compared to them. It’s true, you are scared of the yōkai who snatch away wandering children. You aren’t scared because of the reasons Ran says. It’s rather annoying how Ran calls you a baby for something like that.

(You don’t tell him that, though.)

The three of you don’t enter the shrine. They show you around the neighbourhood and some spots they like to hang out at, like an arcade and a newly opened ramen shop. The entire time, Ran holds both of your hands tightly, you are sure he is holding Rindō’s even tighter. Your shadows are overlapped, mixing together. The yōkai don’t come for them or you. You are safe together. 

As the sun begins to set, you stop by a food stall, the old lady running it tells you that you look so pretty and you remind her of her granddaughter. She gives a discount — 100 yen for six pieces. Ran takes out the coin from his pocket and he divides the takoyaki between the three of you before heading home. 

It’s quiet when you enter the house, nobody welcomes you home, but your grandfather sits in the living room watching television again. He spares you a glance, before turning his attention back to the t.v. Static and muffled voices fill the house.

—

A week turns into two, then three. Summer passes by quickly here in Roppongi. Everything moves so fast in the city, it’s exhilarating — overwhelming. Your little body struggles to keep up.

You run, run, and run the days away.

Again and again, you fall.

(Rindō and Ran pick you back up.)

“My mom abandoned me,” you tell Rindō one afternoon, weakly adding in, “. . . I think.” Hopefulness seeps through; a child’s innocence, your naïveté.

Underneath the big oak tree, Rindō turns to look at you while opening the blue ramune and gives it to you to drink first — he was supposed to buy two, but he forgot the rest of his change at home. He says it’s fine because he doesn’t mind sharing his drink with you. He shares drinks with Ran all the time. And you don’t mind it either.

“. . . She will,” he slowly replies, “maybe she is just busy working — adults are like that, y’know. What about your dad?”

Adults are like that, at least the ones you know. Your mom is probably busy, but either way, she lied to you and this is what hurts. You don’t try to hide your disappointment in her.

You shake your head, looking down at your swaying feet. “I don’t know.” 

You really don’t know.

You don’t remember his face, eyes, and everything is blurred, but you recall his boxy smile and a heavy hand that ruffled your hair. 

“I haven’t seen my dad before either. I don’t even think that guy knows I exist.”

“Oh,” you breathe out. “Are you lonely without him?”

He shakes his head, hair bouncing with every movement. “Nah, I have Ran. Even though he’s so annoying these days.”

The two [three] of you are similar in a way. It’s rather comforting knowing you aren’t the only one with a family like that.

Rindō vows to you that he will always be by your side so you aren’t alone anymore, because he has Ran, but you don’t have an older brother like Ran to stay with you.

He holds your hand — one so cold and sticky from the blue ramune. Again, he tells you that you still have him and Ran, because you are his best friend. Maybe he thinks you didn’t hear him the first time. His words are warm, so you don’t mind his cold fingers touching yours — it cools you down from the heat, even if the rest of your body is melting under the summer sun. Somehow, it always finds a way to peek through the little gaps, through the spaces between your fingers.

Together, you finish the ramune with lighter hearts.

At the end of summer, you are still at your grandfather’s house — your mother never comes to get you. That little, big, tiny feeling brewing in you all summer in Roppongi turned out to be right. But you aren’t alone.

Time flows quickly in Roppongi. Months pass by in a blink of an eye.

—

Coming home to the city where everything first began leaves your thoughts in a flurry; too jumbled and twisted. This house hasn’t changed one bit, walking into your old bedroom feels like a dream; both familiar and alien. A few of your old belongings still remain in place, you never have it in you to pack it up and bring them with you. Your mother hasn’t bothered to move them either.

Tonight, you help your mother make katsu curry. A staple in many households; also, the first dish you learned how to make.

You can feel your mother’s nerves as today is the day where you are officially meeting the man she is seeing (whom she had once mentioned as her new colleague over a year ago). He seemed like a normal, stand up man, but you can tell she likes him, so you don’t disapprove of him.

To calm her down (as well as your own excitement and nervousness), the two of you make small talk as you cook.

“Did you love him?” 

You immediately stiffen, the knife stops just above the fresh carrots from your mother’s garden, and you don’t press down. She doesn’t say who, but you already know who she is referring to. Your heart aches without the mention of his name. A boy who isn’t your fiancé. Your soon-to-be husband. “Did you love that boy from back then?”

Your face shines in the knife, the glare of the light above makes your reflection disappear. You force yourself to focus, continuing to cutting the carrot into chunks. The sound of the knife hitting against the cutting board echoes in your ears. “Why are you mentioning that? Why are you curious about it now? It’s been too long since then.”

“I used to think you would end up marrying him in the future.”

The sentence has you turning around in surprise. You harshly swallow, forcing a short laugh. Your heart clogs your throat. Emotions twisting like ebbing waves. “You never even liked him,” your voice doesn’t sound less tense.

“Maybe I didn’t, but you did.” Her expression says nothing — no hatred, regret, or sadness; she is only looking at you so clearly — right through to your leaking heart. All you wish is to run and hide from that all-knowing gaze of hers, you wish you never turned around. “For some people, they are only capable of loving one person their entire life. There’s a saying that nobody forgets about their first loves and for those people, sometimes their first love lasts forever.”

Some people, she says. By this, she means you.

The ring that sits prettily on your finger feels too heavy, squeezing your finger.

“. . . That already ended so long ago,” softly, you say.

The doorbell rings, cutting through the tense atmosphere. There’s an exchange of looks — her expression soft as she offers a small smile of condolence.

The man – Mr. Hajime – arrives earlier than expected. You follow behind your mother as she opens the door and you see bright red roses before you see him. Your mother’s cheeks turn red as she bashfully smiles while accepting the bouquet.

He enters the home and when you meet his eyes, you smile and nod in acknowledgment. Mr. Hajime stops in front of you, pulling out a bouquet with a variety of flowers; of blues and whites.

“Thank you,” you say as he places the flowers in your hand.

His smile is awfully gentle. His eyes match that gentleness, too. An old, loving soul. “No, I should be the one thanking you. It’s nice to finally meet you. Your mother often talks about you.”

You smile as a reply.

You wish to know what she has said. And maybe you will ask him another time, you know you will. There’s no doubt you will be meeting him again and again.

Mr. Hajime moves with familiarity in the house as if he has been here many times before (you wouldn’t doubt if he has). He makes his way to the dining room as he turns on an old song on your grandfather’s beloved record player. You don’t know the title, but you remember hearing it play many times back when you were a kid. It sounds so nostalgic. 

As the three of you eat dinner, a younger image of your mother and you eating in silence overlap, and the bittersweet feeling at how much your mother has grown begins to hit you. Despite her fading black hair and the grays that replace them, and the barely noticeable wrinkles around her eyes; the look in her eyes seems younger — happier. 

You’ve never seen her like this before. Her heart races for her — her love for Mr. Hajime and the happiness he brings to her. You’re happy for her, you really are.

This street and this house bring back so many memories; memories of times that will never come again and new ones are being created. And even more in the future.

Nostalgia continues to devour you. Your heart is aching in many different ways.

—

A year passes by, you don’t hear from Rindō or Ran after a few weeks of sending letters back and forth, and occasional phone calls made on your house line when your mother works overtime on Saturday nights.

Ran had warned you beforehand that he doesn’t do handwritten letters or phone calls or emails [whatever that means], you think he may just not want to talk to you, and strangely, you don’t take much offence in it. Like Rindō has always said, Ran is Ran, he does things his own way. Plus, you had already assumed you would hear updates on Ran from Rindō, however your assumption turns out to be wrong.

Tons of calls and letters left unanswered. You send another one, your final letter to him.

2002 年 4月 22日

Hi Rindō,

I know it’s been a while since my last letter and I haven’t received one back from you either. I make sure to check the mailbox twice a week! I really will be upset if you don’t reply or call me this time for real.

The new year started recently and I’m being forced to join a club this time. Kaa-san is still busy with work, and she comes home exhausted, so I decided to join the culinary club. Coming home to a cooked meal is something everyone likes, right? I am not really confident in my cooking skills though. . .

I miss you and Ran a lot. It’s lonely here without you guys. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me. I won’t forgive you if you did. Write to me soon, okay? I want to know what you have been up to.

And it’s no shocker when there’s no response to it.

Your initial bitterness eventually fades into nothing but nostalgia.

As the years go on, you forget all about the Haitani brothers and Roppongi. Their faces become more and more blurred with each passing month. You must’ve been erased from their memory — a little childhood memory too dazed to remember.

Junior high is harder than it seems — making friends doesn’t come easy, you spend the majority of your time alone. But ever since you joined the culinary club in your second year, everyone there is friendly and supportive, and things begin to change. School becomes a little more fun, and sometimes, you don’t mind waking up so early in the morning.

You find yourself trapped in the middle of a circle. All eyes on you. Ones full of anticipation.

And of course, this could only be one thing — gossiping. They talk about love stories, first kisses, and boys. Unfortunately, the target today is none other than you.

“No, I don’t have a crush on anyone," you firmly state. It’s the third time this week you've been asked this question, you don’t understand why everyone is so curious.

“Ehh, don’t lie!” Sachiko playfully nudges you with a giggle. Eyes piercing into yours, and you inaudibly sigh at her skepticism. You don’t budge when she continues to push and she pouts. “Fine, fine. What about Naoki-kun from the baseball team?”

A chorus of ‘Ahh’s’ and giggles erupt in the room. A telling sign of the boy’s popularity. Even someone like you, who doesn’t care much about boys [yet] knows about him. From what you heard, he spends most of his time practicing baseball and he only dated one girl during his first year for only a week. He’s more serious than he seems, yet he gets along with everyone, parents and teachers included.

He’s good-looking. You aren’t blind, you know this much, but you don’t think you like short hair so much — even if Naoki-kun’s short hair suits him quite well. Still, you end up timidly agreeing with your club members, wishing to get this over with. “Mhm, I think Naoki-kun is kinda cute . . .” 

"Oh my gosh . . .”

“Ah, I knew it,” someone says. “I mean, most girls like him, so it’s obvious, right?"

You never said anything about liking Naoki-kun in a romantic way, you just said he was kinda cute (you guess). You just shrug and the topic moves onto how a student in the grade below you had caught the new teacher from class 2-b and the principal on a date. Your married principal. A classic love affair. The rumour echoes down the streets in the town, forever spiralling.

And in the early morning of May, 2003, your mother enters the house again and you think she may have forgotten something before heading off to work. Instead, she tosses a letter on the kitchen table. She says it’s for you. It’s plain. A white envelope with no decorations — you immediately know it’s not from one of your friends from school and your heart races in anticipation even before you grab it. You flip it over to see if it says who it’s from.

And it does. It’s a letter sent from Roppongi — a letter from Haitani Rindō.

Time slows and your heart beats loudly in your ears. The wind leading into summer suddenly doesn’t feel so slow; the morning birds chirp in tune of your heartbeat.

It was already the end of June, you blow out your candles. Another June goes by and you graduate from junior high.

—

You are sixteen when you meet Rindō and Ran again. 

They surprise you at the train station, and when you see them, you don’t recognise them at all. It feels like you don’t know who they are. They’re suddenly a lot taller, more mature with matching tattoos and dyed hair that you don’t see people your age with — and to their defence, they have always had dyed hair back when you first met. There’s an intimidating air to them which draws you in. An edge you should look out for. One step and you will fall.

Your grandfather has also changed — barely, but you can see he looks a little smaller than you remember him to be. Older, too. There’s wrinkles around his eyes and mouth — ones due to his permanent frown. Yet his eyes feel warm, they soften when he looks at you.

Ran doesn’t really hang out nor talk to you anymore. During your trip there, he spends most days out and sometimes Rindō tags along with him, in which you stay at home with your grandfather or go shopping. And when you first caught them with bruises on their faces and torn skin on their knuckles, you cried. Catching them two and three more times didn’t make it any better.

You knew from first glance that Rindō and Ran are what people call delinquents, you aren’t blind when faced with the obvious. It feels strange seeing your childhood friends like this — the violence indulge in.

(You couldn’t believe it when you first learned the reason as to why you haven’t heard from Rindō in a long, long time. It’s still hard to believe, but when you see them like this, you can’t refuse it.)

It gradually builds into a routine, always finding yourself in the Haitani home while their mother is away at work. Forcing Rindō down onto his bed as you clumsily clean up his wounds, shaky, and unable to look away. Fretting over the way they’ve been hurt like a mother to her children (this is how their own mother probably feels coming home to be greeted by bruised faces). A burned cd of his favourite songs plays in the background. Quietly, because you’re both afraid of Ran waking up.

“Stop looking at me like that.” His tone is anything, but harsh. His sigh is heavy, yet soft. “You gotta stop worrying at this point. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

You immediately frown as you glare up at him. “I worry because you don’t.”

“You know it’s not as bad as it looks. Can barely feel a thing. You’ve got nothin’ to worry about.”

You quickly retort, “It is . . . Why do you keep saying that? Every time I see you, you are injured. That’s not normal.” Growing more frustrated at his lack of self-care, you softly glare at his tattered hand. You mumble, “What are you and your brother even up to?” More so to you, than to Rindō.

However, he hears you. He laughs, more rather airy than his usual boastful one. “Aren’t you too nice?”

“No, I’m not,” you mutter. “Something like this is normal.”

“I guess that means my world isn’t so normal. I don’t know anyone else like you.”

Those pretty amethyst eyes draw you in. You shake your head, replying, “You will meet others like me. Caring about someone who is hurt is nothing special. It’s . . . it’s human to do so.” You hold his hand carefully in yours, inspecting the cloth to make sure it’s securely wrapped. Thumb brushing over the fabric.

“There’s only you.” 

The room falls silent. The track slowly fades into the next. Your heart races.

Rindō coughs into his sleeve. “Um, I meant that I only know you. The guys I know aren’t really like that at all.”

It may be your mind playing tricks on you. The way he looks and sounds — his every gesture feels too tender to be Rindō. It’s odd, not him. Your eyes must be playing tricks on you too because the look in Rindō’s eyes seems too gentle and intimate. You look away.

“You have Ran, who cares about you a lot,” you point out, eyes looking anywhere but at him.

He quietly chuckles, “Yeah. That’s just Ran though. You know how he is.”

You vaguely reply, “I guess so.”

“You know so.”

“Everyone knows so,” you softly add, “just take of yourself more. Please.”

You lift your eyes for a split second, and he meets you within it. Rindō softly smiles, “Okay. I will, so you won’t cry anymore.”

You can’t look at him for too long without feeling your face flush, it gets too hot, and the unfamiliar feeling of butterflies that invade your stomach, pooling, itching to explode whenever he smiles at you. He makes you so nervous and you don’t know how to react. You’ve never felt this type of nervousness with someone before.

“I don’t cry.”

“I sure hope you won’t.”

You don’t know how to act.

That night, once Ran awakens from his nap, the three of you decide to hang outside. Roppongi is not similar to the countryside in any shape or form and you’re no longer surprised to see the city awake during these late nights. This city is always brighter after midnight.

Rindō had run off to the nearest konbini for drinks due to him losing three rounds of rock-paper-scissors [really, who actually chooses rock], and you and Ran are squatting down by the riverbank with sparklers burning in your hands. Rindō will probably be annoyed that the two of you started without him the second he ran off, but it’s Ran fault if anything. He’s the one who made you grab the sparklers and lit them himself.

However, Rindō wouldn’t be surprised by this, because everyone knows how impatient Ran can be at times.

“Y’know, on summer nights like this, the main character and her love interest would light sparklers together—” Ran begins to say with his sparkler dangles above yours, burning so fast and bright, “—and they will become stuck together. It stays like that, and that is usually when something in their relationship changes. . . I saw it in a shōjo anime before.” He pulls the end of his sparkler before his and yours get the chance to become tangled, and smiles softly at you. Ran looks pretty — prettier than most celebrities you see on television and magazine covers. He’s probably popular with girls.

And you assume, Rindō, too. He’s definitely no less popular than his brother. This thought immediately makes everything feel sour, your smile falters and you look back down at the sparklers. A pile of ash building below. The flames are bright, rushing into your eyes and leaves your head dizzy.

It’s quite beautiful; the way sparks flicker and dimming ashes fall around you. Vanishing within moments it hits the ground.

“You learned that from a shōjo anime?”

He replies with a shrug. “I mean, yeah. It’s a popular trope these days. I know you girls are into those types of things. Quite romantic, hm?” 

You nod and don’t try to hide your smile. You didn’t think Ran was into anime like that. You didn’t know he was a romantic type of guy.

“Don’t laugh,” Ran scoffs. “You’ve become quite rude, huh.”

“I’m not! I just thought it was cute,” you huff in defense.

“Uh-huh.”

He rolls his eyes in which you mockingly repeat back, and you both laugh.

So, Ran is a little different these days. He’s all grown, almost unrecognisably so. But he is still your friend — there is still the Ran you knew back then there inside of him. And you think, he and Rindō could probably say the same about you. Change is inevitable, it comes hand-in-hand with growing up.

“So, this is something you do with someone you love. . .” you mutter his words to yourself. “Why aren’t you doing it with someone you love—well, uh, have you?”

It’s silent. A croak of a frog, a call of a cicada. His answer lies in his silence and it’s sad to hear, because beneath everything, Ran is someone with lots of love to give. It’s unfortunate how he’s never once liked to wear his heart on his sleeve, hidden away deep in a metal cage. He is a nice guy, really. So sweet to Rindō — sometimes towards you.

Ran shakes his head, redirecting the conversation to you. Something he always seems to do. “Why aren’t you?”

You . . . ?

Attentive with the eyes of a hawk, Ran picks up on your confusion within seconds. He tells you not to mind his words which only makes you feel more lost — heart racing. You think Ran knows something, but you do not know what. The unknown is always terrifying and you want to know.

Ran wants an answer that you cannot provide. Beginning to feel warm underneath your thin clothes, you grow anxious under his heavy stare, yet can’t find it in yourself to look away.

His eyes drift for a second and light from the sparklers fall in. He looks back at you, then cocks his head in the opposite direction. Curious, you follow his line of sight — Rindō.

Immediately, you take this opportunity to run. You hand the remains of your incense stick to Ran as you jump up, dusting off the dirt and ash that may have gotten on your clothes. Running up the stone steps, meeting him halfway (you pay no mind to Ran who yells that you got dirt on him). Your shadows reach before your bodies do, overlapping underneath the flickering lamp post. 

“Rindō! Why’d you take so long?” You ask while leaning in, folding your hands behind your back. His blond locks are messy and sticking to his forehead instead of styled in his usual fashion, red cheeks and his chest is raising up and down as he breathes. “Did’ya run here? You’re looking a little red . . .”

He lets out an exasperated sigh, visibly annoyed with a prominent scowl on his face. “This idiot in front of me was taking his sweet fuckin’ time,” he replies, his glasses shift down his nose bridge and you reach your hand up to fix it. However, before you can, he grabs your wrist (a sudden yet gentle gesture) completely stopping you.

You awkwardly mutter, “Um. Sorry . . . ?” 

Rindō blinks before letting go of your hand, shaking his head. “Ah, no,” he clears his throat, “I got it. Thanks.”

Opening the plastic bag, he holds a bottle of ramune towards you. The little spot he touched burns, and it’s then when Rindō asks you what’s wrong because you had suddenly froze in your movements. “Did you want a different flavour? I think I saw a strawberry one left,” he offers, “or you can take my drink. It’s beer, though. You don’t drink, right?”

“No, no. I like it. I prefer the original one,” you decline as you take the drink from his hand. Fingers brushing against his cold ones. “Thanks, Rin.”

“I do, too. It’s my favourite.”

His favourite, yet he had replaced it for some cheap canned alcohol — he and Ran aren’t even old enough to drink, but you don’t really care, either. Things like that strangely suit them.

You bite your tongue when you almost reply, I know. However, you do respond with a brief, “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s a necessity on summer days, y’know?”

You can’t help, but agree. “That’s why I like it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

And you wonder if Rindō remembers everything that happened the summer the both of you first met — you do. Those summer days spent underneath the shade side by side sharing melting popsicles and ramune, running around Roppongi and challenging each other at the arcade games. Aiding new cuts and bruises that appear on the brother’s bodies, Rindō would place a bandaid on your hands and knees every time you had fallen down trying to catch up to them, and whispering secrets only meant for the two of you to know [ones Ran comes to know, unsurprisingly]. You miss those summer days, and you don’t want to see the end of this one too.

Days with the Haitani brothers are unforgettable — so special, a feeling nothing can replace. Your hometown has never once felt like this.

Nobody has made you feel this way before.

You bring the ramune to your mouth, sweetness dissolves on your tongue, your lips tingle, and your heart burns and burns and burns.

—Bang!

A sudden sharp noise causes you to jump, droplets of your drink splash onto your thin shirt and down your chest. The culprit is none other than Rindō, who had bought firecrackers along with the drinks — setting it off a little too close to him and Ran, bursting right beneath their feet. Rindō laughs uproariously due to your surprised expression — so loud and clear, it cuts through the cicadas’ callings, passing cars, and the booming of firecrackers. His smile is like the warmth of summer; brighter than sparklers and the sea of little stars above. Your cheeks heat up, and all you can see is him.

At this moment, it’s two a.m. at the end of July when everything hits you like a huge tidal wave. Oh. You understand it now. 

This feeling burns into you.

Everything feels like summer.

[peachsukii]

fem!reader has a hard time coping with the current situation. 『 ♡ - k.bakugo x fem!reader 』 tw/cw: mentions of hospital equipment, grief, angst ⋆ ˚ʚɞ — I can go anywhere I want - anywhere I want, just not home. And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones. And I still talk to you when I’m screaming at the sky. -`✧ katsuki bakugo masterlist 

Walking along the pathway of the riverbank, you listened to the soft sounds of the water lazily flowing by while finding a spot in the grass. You lie back with your hands behind your head, gazing up at the sunset in the sky. The clouds were painted with beautiful streaks of peach, lavender and fuchsia, swirling into a perfect blend of tropical bliss. The colors offered a semblance of comfort after a long day of patrol - 14 hours, to be exact. The current condition of your hero suit was more than enough evidence of the grueling day. If it could talk, it would be begging to be washed. Reaching into your pocket, you pull out your phone to check the time. 5:47pm The exhaustion was creeping along your aching muscles, warning you to head home before you lack the will to do so. There’s one thing you came here to do - that you needed to be here to do.

You tap the lock screen of the phone and swipe to your contacts. In the favorites list, you click on your favorite name in the whole world.

“ 💥 Katsuki 🧡 ”

The line rings a handful of times before it goes to voicemail, beeping in your ear. Taking a deep breath, you begin to speak excitedly.

“Hey ‘Suki. Today was a busy as hell - sorry I didn’t get a chance to call earlier. I had the sweetest little girl thank me today for helping her and her mom bring their groceries to their doorstep. She came running over to me and asked for help, I couldn’t resist. You should have seen her cute little cheeks, Kats, covered in freckles around her precious blue eyes. It was only six bags, the mom was so embarrassed! I kept telling her it was no trouble, that’s what heroes do. And then…,” you pause.

“Sorry, I’m rambling again. I must be picking it up from Izuku. Anyways, I’ll be heading home in a bit. I needed to clear my head after a long day and swung by our favorite spot by the river.”

A shaky breath escapes your lips, unable to hold back the tear rolling down your dirt stained cheek.

“I’ll be stopping by to visit soon. I’m sorry for not coming by earlier this week, you know how it is with our line of work. I'll be sure to grab your favorite flowers, too. Tiger lilies, right?”

You bite your lip to swallow the sob lodged in your throat.

“I miss you…more than you could ever know. I love you, Katsuki. I’ll talk to you later.”

You click the “End Call” button with trembling fingers. A picture of Katsuki, smiling ear to ear with your face squished up against his cheek on a sunny day, appears briefly as his contact picture fades to black.

“You’re going to wake up, I know you are,” you murmur to yourself through broken hiccups. “You’re not gone…you’re going to wake up, Katsuki. You have to.”

The reality of the situation weighs on your shoulders, but that didn’t mean you had to live in said reality…not yet, anyways.

Until the faint droning of Katsuki's heartbeat monitor was silenced, he was alive.

He's just resting.

i've been listening to "my tears ricochet" too much and the 'just not home' lyric always reminds me of not being able to return to someone you love, or somewhere you loved :( ** i ended up reposting/reworking this to be fem!reader instead of bakudeku cause it just didn't feel like it worked? i like this way better lol

You can read part two here!!

[multimilfs]

Agatha Harkness x Fem!Reader: The Reigning Game, Chapter (6/?)

Chapter 6 - The River's Purpose

Summary: Taking the next steps to protect your kingdom, you're faced with some brutal memories. Also, Agatha schemes.

AO3

A/N: This chapter is moving us into some plot points a little more and I'm really excited to set into motion what I've been brewing for several years now. So many layers... so many.

Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who left comments on chapter 5! It was hard to come back after being away for so long, but the warm welcome made it easier. I ask that if you feel so inclined, please leave a comment telling me what you enjoyed/liked <3 comments keep me writing!

Tag List: @escapetodreamworld @multifandomfix @ghostsunderstoodmysoul @imtrashinflames @thatmacrameisnotgonnahitchitself @thoroughly--confused @white--lillies

Warning(s): Murder, blood, unhealthy coping mechanisms, smut; sadism/masochism, biting, semi-public sex, blood play (kinda), degradation, choking (mentioned), masturbation

| Previous Chapters |

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”  C.S. Lewis

It’s the muffled noises within that bring you to step over the threshold. You drag your fingers along the door as you pass, fingertips slipping over grooves, tracing the familiar picture.

The shades are drawn. Light creeps in around the edges. There’s a chair positioned by one of the windows, and in it sits a figure.

“Why me?” It whispers, moans in anguish, “Please, why me?”

Not this, anything but this.

You stop in your tracks. The soft cries continue, echoing off the walls of the cavernous room. Foreboding builds in your gut, twisting your insides into something awful. She shouldn’t be crying; she had always been so beautiful in joy.

The figure tilts her head back, pleading to the sky, “Why me?”

Nothing here serves you. You know where it leads. You remember the end.

You turn to leave, but the door is replaced by a solid wall. Your hands scramble over its length. This can’t happen—this is your mind, isn’t it? And you want out.

You press your hands against the wall, willing it to release you, but they shake. The only way out is through. That’s always been the truth, hasn’t it?

As you approach, you see how she rocks in the chair, knees to her chest as she moves. Her hands are clenched in her hair, obscuring the face you love.

“Please.” She begs.

You can’t breathe. You fight the bile coming up your throat.

You don’t recognize your own voice, “Mama?”

She continues on as if not hearing. Her hands are bone-white where they clutch her head. Blood seeps from where her fingernails puncture the skin.

“Mama?”

You lay a gentle hand on her shoulder, just as you did then. She lets free a blood-curdling scream.

--

The first thing you do upon waking is turn and expel your last meal onto the ground beside the bed. Your throat feels raw, your middle clenching and seizing as you try to just breathe. Tears seep from your eyes.

Attempting to move makes your stomach turn again. You snap your eyes shut, hands fisting in the furs of your makeshift bed. A miserable whimper leaves your throat.

Half a lifetime of memories and the sound of her screaming is clearer than any else.

For a moment in your anguish all you desire is to call out for her; to have your Mother press kisses to your hair and tell you that you’re safe, it was only a terrible dream. But you’re alone. You’re a woman grown, left to bear the weight of soothing yourself. Agatha certainly won’t do any soothing for you.

Agatha.

You turn over—an action your stomach does not thank you for—expecting her mocking face to watch from the dark. The wind blows open the flap of your tent and a slant of moonlight peeks in. Agatha’s chair sits empty at the foot of the bed.

“Harkness?” You call, voice hoarse.

Only the wind against the tent and a faint rushing of water answer back.

You’re careful when stepping your way to the opening of the tent, desperate for light. Without it inside, you do hit your foot a few times. The pain… helps. Centers you before dissipating all too quickly.

The short grass whips in the breeze. Flowers painted in moonlight twist, petals flying away into the darkness you can’t see. The water is louder, racing away. You admire the glimmering surface from afar.

In the staggering heat of the day you had hardly taken the time to admire this place. More plants and flowers than you’ve ever seen line the riverbank on each side. Shining, scaly bodies of fish leap from the white-water. They fly and spin with the trees as their audience. Then, they’re returned to the depths, gliding downstream where the white-water careens over a cliffside and into the neighboring kingdom on the southern border. 

Short of marching to some battle or another, you’ve scarcely seen any of the kingdom beyond Greymont. And while you love your home, there is so much you ache for. How many scenes matching this one await you? 

To reach the Witch’s barrier you traveled southwest. You’ve been trailing the southern border for days now, having opted to take the Eastern Pass through the Felian Mountains to gain some distance. The foliage here is beautiful and bright and wilder than that of Greymont. You’re eager to travel through the Eastern Pass, even if it means freezing. 

The ground has already begun to steepen and you remain days away. You hadn’t known to expect such scale; the mountains surrounding Greymont are mighty, but few. But you welcome the change. You want nothing more than to see Nethys’ Peak up close. It looms pitch-black against the navy sky. 

So much beauty surrounds you, awaits you, and you’re never going to see it. You’re going to die when that Witch comes for you. The second she made her threats, you’d known it. 

A million steps you’ll never walk. A thousand people you’ll never meet. Countless experiences you’ll never have. 

Tears spring to your eyes unbidden as you walk closer to the river-side. Your bare feet touch something unnatural. Squinting, you make out a heap of dark clothing.

“Come to enjoy the full moon as well?” A voice drawls.

There, with arms propped upon the bank, is Agatha Harkness. She’s blanketed in water from the chest down. The long tresses of her hair float atop the water and obscure most of her form from your vision. You take a deep breath, swallowing hard.

“What are you doing?” You hiss.

“You have eyes.”

You don’t have the energy to match her at this hour, “Why?”

“The full moon is renewing for witches, realigns our power. Did you know this river is the oldest source of water in your kingdom?”

“How do you know that?”

“It’s a feeling.” Agatha says, head propped up on a hand as she tilts her head. There’s a cocky little smile playing at her lips, “Like standing at the base of a fortress and knowing that power lies behind the gates. For a big girl, anyway. Baby witches might just feel stronger, enjoy a prophetic dream or two.”

It’d be nice, you think, to sit near something so powerful and not feel small. You’d give anything to feel a lick of strength right now.

You find yourself sitting on the bank, pulling the skirt of your slip up to your thighs so it doesn’t follow your legs into the rushing water. Agatha watches you. A hand reaches out to toy with the hem of your slip. You raise a brow, but don’t smack the hand away.

The current threatens to pull you away and you only sit up to your calves. You wonder if the force of it pulls Agatha, too, but she stands steady.

“And this fortress, do proper witches have the key to it?”

“It offers enough of a boost that most take it and move on.”

“And you?”

“I could commandeer the whole damn thing if I wished.” She smirks, “But that’d upset the balance.”

“I didn’t know you were bound by anything so common.”

“Balance binds all things living and dead.”

Balance. What form of balance was in play when it came to your Mother?

You shove the thought away. The river is warm and soft, even as it pushes around you. The moon is bright; soothing you for a moment, like a hand upon the shoulder. Agatha’s hand is warm where it rests against your thigh.

“Are such places admired while clothed or is everyone like you?”

“Darling,” Agatha purrs, “there is no one like me.”

You roll your eyes.

“You are singular in how you grate on the nerves.”

She chuckles low. Her hand resting against your thigh shifts, trailing down, until it ghosts against your calf in the water. You twitch. You can’t summon the strength to shake her off. 

“Join me.” She urges.

“I’m happy just as clothed as I am now, thank you.” You say.

“I won’t let you be swept away if that’s your concern.”

“And I’m meant to trust you?”

“Witch’s vow.” Agatha reminds.

There’s something earnest in her face. Her fingers trace patterns on the back of your leg, descending to your ankle. Should you reject her, you’re not entirely sure she won’t just drag you in.

No one lingers to watch the two of you; Agatha had insisted after the first night that she was more than enough protection. The firelight is faint from the rest of the camp. If you listen, you can hear your forces laugh and jeer. Are they aware that they’re steps away from somewhere sacred?

Witch or not, you do find yourself drawn to the idea of bathing in the waters. You want to pull strength from it, too. You want your limbs to stop shaking.

“I’m not undressing.” You declare.

“Pity.”

You lift your body and slide down the bank until the water is up to your own chest. It feels a little colder for a moment, but you enjoy the bite. A collection of rocks press into your feet. There are the jagged ones, stabbing into your arch. Then, the smooth ones your feet nearly slide over.

The current unsettles your footing. You’re pushed forward until your full body collides with Agatha’s. Her arm loops around your waist within a moment.

“Careful.”

You nod, trying—and failing—to clear your mind of just how much she is pressed against you. Through the thin, wet fabric of your slip, you can feel every powerful muscle and delicious curve. You shouldn’t have come, not when you’re drowsy and not thinking clearly.

She is the enemy, you cannot desire her. You won’t.

“You made it look weak.”

“Most things are when paired against me.” She shrugs, as if the statement is not laced with extreme ego.

The silence that descends is almost nice. Agatha, you’ve found, is good at comfortable silence when she chooses to be. Granted, she’s usually focused on a conjured text, or scribbling in a notebook of her own—even still, the time with her has been surprisingly bearable.

She was cruel that first day; no doubt repayment for nearly letting her die. By the second she had returned to her normal self; teasing you one minute, asking questions you didn’t understand the next.

“This is where we’ll set the first ward.” Agatha says.

“Here? In the center of the river?” You ask.

“Higher, where it splits.”

“How?”

“So many questions. I’ll explain when we set it, tomorrow.”

You nod. The hand on your back is tracing patterns again. Against your better judgment, you relax in her arms. The water caresses you easier when you do.

You should’ve known this place had meaning when Agatha was adamant on setting camp here. She’d made an effort to take little interest in anything beyond herself—but then, a spark. An awareness she hadn’t cared to have until that moment.

Reading faces has always been easy; you’re not sure how you missed what you saw in Agatha’s. You haven’t missed anything so obvious since…

Though the water is warm, and the hands on you, too, you shiver.

She’d been so gaunt, cheeks hollow. Your Father couldn’t stand to visit, but you visited twice every morning and night. She hadn’t smiled in years by that point, but she did then; brushing a bony hand over your cheek, smiling, wistful, and murmured, “My little sun.”

When you left, something in your chest felt wrong. And when you returned in the morning she was gone.

The nausea returns tenfold. You try to push the memory of her face away, but it just won’t go. You sink your nails into your thigh but it isn’t enough. Agatha’s nails ghost over your flesh.

Agatha will have no qualms with harming you. You don’t think it will make a difference what purpose it serves, only that she can draw your blood again. 

Desire had danced in her eyes the day you were defeated, dripping blood, and it wouldn’t change now. Yet, if you ask this of her, you’ll be giving into the desire yourself. Can you, in good conscience, allow yourself this, even as a distraction? 

Time is fleeting; the weight of death that looms over your head. Should you turn away from this available source of hedonism and pleasure, then you’ll never know it. You want to know how it feels to be touched before you die. 

You want something other than your heart to ache.

“I need you to hurt me.” You demand.

Agatha’s hand stills. She flinches back, eyeing you, “Say again.”

You’ll blame the exhaustion later.

“Hurt me,” you say, “distract me.”

There’s a moment where she hesitates. Her eyes are wary, looking over you, then around.

“As you wish.”

Agatha’s hands grip the back of your thighs and pull you closer. Her nails dig in, and you whimper, knowing that if you could see it, the water will be red with your own blood. At the same time, her teeth dig into the side of your neck.

Some higher awareness reminds you that this is wrong—she’s the reason for everything terrible in your life, she’s a monster—but you don’t care. Not when her teeth distract from the nausea. Not when the soothing of her tongue chases away your misery.

One of her hands shifts to your inner thigh, tracing threatening shapes. Her hand just grazes the perfect spot between your legs. You moan, your mind screaming yes, please, touch me.

Her lips have moved to another spot on your neck, but her teeth haven’t yet come out to play. You twist your hand in the wet strands of her hair and hold Agatha in place.

“Who knew you wanted to be bruised.” She teases, voice low, “What would your people say?”

The ghost of her hand between your legs is driving you mad. You chase after it, but she pulls away each time.

“Touch me.” You demand.

“Oh, but I am, dear.” She punctuates the statement with a nip to your neck, “What is it you really want?”

“Harkness.” You grit out.

“Tell me.”

You should extract yourself from her and return to the tent. Nothing good can come from giving her this—giving her you.

But gods you want. Since the summer celebrations, you’ve ached. You remember passing rooms and hearing the sounds the other women made. You waited. With destruction on the horizon, why wait anymore?

“Fuck me.” You beg.

The answering laugh in your ear sends shivers down your spine. Agatha is everywhere, all at once. The feeling of her is euphoric.

One hand toys with you over the fabric of your slip. Deft fingers rub, feeling, but your nipples are already peaked from the combination of cold and desire. The friction draws a moan from your throat. She pinches, hard, and your hips jump, you choke out a groan.

Her lips have yet to stray from your neck. The bites she deals you are delightful, painful, on the edge of too much yet just enough, but it’s her kisses you prefer. No comparison exists for the softness of her lips, the pressure so light it almost tickles. Would they feel the same way against your own, or would they be rougher, dominating?

You shut that thought down. Kissing implies intimacy.

“Hold on to me.” Agatha murmurs.

Lacing your fingers around her neck, she gets started on the real work. Her other hand releases your waist and delves between your legs.

It takes everything in you not to come from the first touch. The touch of her is firm, knowing, as two fingers slowly work their way inside you. Her thumb ghosts over your bundle of nerves.

You’re no stranger to the power of a delightful orgasm; your own hand is a reliable companion in pleasure, but this… this is indescribable. To be touched, to be at the mercy of not knowing what she’ll do next adds another layer you could never experience on your own.

Her breath is hot on your ear, “The Good Queen, spread open beneath the moon, no better than some desperate, common urchin.”

“Fuck you.” You snarl, but roll your hips, impaling yourself further on her fingers.

“You couldn’t handle me, darling.”

You imagine the sight of Agatha Harkness beneath you, hair spread around her head, your hands firm on her throat as she squirms; the pathetic, weak noises she’d make with the little air you allow her—her eyes dark with desire so ravenous it could consume you on sight. You clench around her fingers.

“I hate you.”

Her thumb sets a brutal pressure upon your clit. You know it won’t be long before you’re coming.

“How humiliating it must be, then, to need me so much.”

Agatha’s right. Humiliation burns through you, but turns molten along the way. Her fingers continue to rub over the spot inside you that conjures lights behind your eyes. A well placed swipe to your clit and you’re done, falling over the edge.

Your fingers dig into her shoulders, something between a groan and a shriek leaving your lips. Agatha moans in your ear. Your body tightens, clenching, and you roll your hips over her hand to keep it going, even as it hurts.

Agatha’s hand on your hip stills you. You whimper into her neck when she pulls out, leaving you empty.

Face buried in her neck, you miss the way she pulls back to regard you; with moonlight and a strange look in her eyes. Her hands are gentle, free from the bite of her nails. One hand holds you against her. The other pulls through your hair, working out any knots in the strands. It’s nice. Comfortable. Which is precisely why your stomach turns as the euphoria wears off.

You tense. Agatha’s touch stills.

The rush of water is no longer intriguing, Agatha’s arms far from comfortable. What have you done?

Though you feel like you’re made of jam, you take a step back, surprised to find your feet steady on the stones below. You look Agatha in the face—you won’t give her the satisfaction of seeing you cower—and smile, the business-like smile of a Queen, despite the tears in your eyes.

“Goodnight.”

Agatha tilts her head, “Goodnight, dear.”

When you haul yourself back up onto the bank and walk as quickly as you can back to the tent, you feel her eyes on you the entire way.

--

The Captain is on her feet the second the opening of the tent allows the morning light inside, golden blade in hand. She lowers said blade at who enters, “Your Majesty.”

Agatha raises a brow at the welcome.

“I understand my wife set a meeting with you.”

Though the Captain’s blade has been lowered, she remains taut. Her eyes shift briefly to the opening of the tent. Agatha senses the suspicion lingering in her mind, though she does well to push it down—not fast enough, however.

Agatha could grin at how they lord over you, protect you as if you’re some helpless fawn in the woods. Do they not remember the goddess who led them on the battlefield, the woman who cut down dozens to reach her? You’re hardly the wide-eyed innocent they believe you to be.

No wide-eyed innocent would have begged her jailer to fuck her, for starters.

That is neither here nor there, though. Sharing such information with your forces would hardly aid your opinion toward her; not in the way she requires.

“I trust Her Majesty is well?” Thena says.

“Dealing with a small bout of sickness.” It isn’t a lie, if the evidence at your bedside was anything to go off of, “I thought it best she rest a while more.”

She’d almost blanched at your appearance when she returned to the tent. The sight of a pale, shaking woman had been the last thing she expected. For a moment, she hadn’t recognized you.

Agatha had waved her hand and cleaned the mess. Then, with a more precise hand, she placed her fingers against your forehead, digging; bright images of color she couldn’t comprehend flashed, there and away, playing out a story she couldn’t follow but could feel tormenting you. A calming brush of her own magic had returned some color to your cheeks.

Her words to the Captain ring true; if you are to be of any use while setting the wards today, you’ll require all the rest you can get.

Though suspicion still lingers, the Captain nods, “Please, sit.”

Agatha eyes the map atop the table. She notes the areas that are marked.

“What orders did she give you on the subject of extra forces?”

“She wanted as many called to service as the kingdom can spare.”

Agatha sighs. You really hadn’t been thinking in the midst of your panic, had you?

“She wants this handled quietly. Tell the battle masters to keep their soldiers sharp, but nothing more. I’ll handle a more discreet force of power.”

--

You stomp through the brush and uphill, pointedly ignoring Agatha’s put-upon sighing as she follows behind. There’s a barely-there path you follow alongside the river. It’s lined with flowers in some areas, though others find brambles pulling at your skirts.

The river is stronger the higher you trek, though you’re not sure how it’s possible. Only last night a section had threatened to sweep you away. You can only imagine what this area would do.

“Are you going to pout all day? I’d like to know how difficult this task is going to be.” Agatha drawls behind you.

“I am not pouting.”

“Oh, of course, my mistake.”

You whirl on her in a patch of chamomile flowers. Glaring down from your only-slightly-taller position, you point a finger straight at her chest.

“You had no right to go against me like that.”

Agatha raises a brow, “I think you’ll find I had every right, if that was my aim.”

“What would you call taking over my meeting and overturning my word—aid?” You scoff.

“Allowing a Queen who lost control of her faculties to attend a meeting rather than healing would go against the best interests of your kingdom. Remember those pesky things I’m bound to?”

For a moment, you had taken the loss of control comment to mean your mental faculties; the very ones that’d prompted you to fuck her in the middle of the river you now stand beside. Then you remember your bout of sickness and flush with embarrassment. When you woke up this morning to find the evidence missing, you assumed it had been imagined.

“You can’t expect me to believe you care.”

“No, but I did not spend hours bathing in moonlight to lose what I recharged so soon.”

“Is that what you call what happened?”

Agatha grins, chuckles dryly, “Ah. So that’s what this is about.”

“No.” You deny, turning to continue on your way up the incline, “Simply an observation.”

She matches pace, keeping in line with your own stride. You can see her grinning from the corner of your eye.

“Did I touch a nerve when I made you come, princess?” Agatha teases.

“Ugh!”

You throw your hands up.

The incline comes to a slow stop, leveling off. You stop and realize just how out of breath you are from the hike.

Spread before you is a quiet section of the river with two veins shooting apart. One grows choppy, running downhill fast in the direction you just came from. The other follows a lazy curve away from its sister path. 

A near-placid pool holds the water before it decides which path to take, collecting the runoff from the mountains. It is this pool that Agatha steps up next to and begins removing her layers. You growl, covering your eyes.

“I don’t care to travel back down in wet clothing, dear.”

“You have magic—just wave yourself dry.”

“And deny myself the pleasure of watching you squirm?” She laughs.

You cross your arms and pointedly look anywhere but at her. Though in your periphery you notice she’s at least kept her shift on, thin as it may be. Even the silhouette of her is enough to render you speechless. The whole of her had been pressed against you only hours ago. You clear your throat.

“Why, exactly, are you getting in?” You ask.

“Easier to call on the magic if you’re standing in the center of it.”

You nod, perching on a rock beside the water, “I do love a show.”

“You’re joining me.”

“No magic, Harkness.”

Agatha shakes her head, “Every being has a spark of magic in their blood, though it may not manifest enough to make them a true witch. Barring that, you are the heart of your kingdom. Your presence focuses the intent of the magic.”

“You speak of the magic here like a living thing. Focusing it, calling on it—what’s next, marrying it, too?”

That earns you an eye-roll. A sharp pain strikes your hip and you jump, catching the dissipating wisp of violet.

“All magic is a living thing.”

“And yours chooses to live with you… questionable.”

“It doesn’t live as we know living.”

“What of the river?” You ask, tilting your head, “You said it’s especially old. Does it live closer to our experience or further?”

“Closer. A special case.”

“How so?”

She sighs. The endless barrage of questions seems to annoy her just as much as it sates your curiosity; you smirk, pleased.

“It’s from the time of Light and Darkness and Chaos. Older than the First Coven. Chaos made this river; imbuing it with more power—thoughts and desires. Which is conveniently why we can use it for the wards.” Agatha explains, hands waving and fingers twitching. Violet flows from her fingers every now and again, forming wispy pictures of crowns and the like, “It aches to do more. To be more. My direction and your intent will give it the great purpose it craves.”

You look into the water and almost believe you can feel the magic there. A primal, ancient desire to run free and fast, but also to do more—shift, protect, live. It wants to help you, it only requires guidance.

Agatha runs her hands over and through the ripples with near-reverence. She stares into the depths like it’s whispering secrets. 

If it’ll protect your people, then you’ll do whatever is required; even if you’re convinced Agatha is making half of it up to see you in various states of undress. You shed your outer layers and embarrassment. The dress pools in a heap at your feet, which you step out of. You’re left in a similar shift to that of the night before.

Watching, Agatha licks her lips, and holds a hand up to you.

“My Lady.” She teases.

You take her hand and accept the assistance into the depths. The water is warm. You correct, “My Queen.”

She smirks.

The water laps gently at your form as Agatha leads you to the center of the pool. It comes to settle just below your breasts. The push and pull reminds you of a child tugging at your skirts.

Quiet is the air. The breezes wait, watching, eager to see their sister directed. You’re oblivious to the stillness. The water holding to you is warm, as is the hand in your own.

Agatha stops and takes your other hand, stepping back until the two of you form the shape of a full moon. She inhales deeply and you mimic the action. Then, her eyes close, and her head tilts back; baring her face to the warmth of the sun. She chants;

Chaos filia, 

Quid est quod desideres? 

Filia tenebrarum Domine, 

Quid est camena? 

Lucis filia, 

Audi me et esto usus.

Complete stillness creeps over the world. The river stops; bending, waiting; and you feel a deep tug in your abdomen. Agatha continues to chant until she cuts off rather abruptly.

There’s the buzz of magic all over your body from your connection to her. The electricity of her purple cascades over and around you. You watch as she straightens and opens her eyes. They’re dark, heavy lidded.

She steps forward. One blackened hand comes to press right above your heart. Purple dances in her eyes.

“Hear her.” Agatha urges, pressing harder.

The tug grows. Then, you hear.

Purpose! Purpose! O Mothers, what is your will? A voice asks, eager, almost childlike, Allow me use!

Agatha’s orders don’t come in the form of words, but rather, images; a solid invisible wall; the Witch and all the terrible of her, barred entry. You feel the river’s attention shift and regard you. It waits.

Intent. It wants intent.

Images flow similarly from you; your people, tired and weary, whom you ache to see safe; your friends without fear in their eyes; curious eyes and little hands that seek out your own. The river attempts to embellish, tugging and pulling at your intent. You hold tight to the images in your mind. Those are the things you crave, the things you will—you are not to be cajoled otherwise.

The Chaos is not pleased. Yet, it bends.

You do not open your eyes, but you don’t need to. In your minds eye you watch every molecule of the river light up in white, all of them racing through their paths; into streams along the border, below ground to the worms, into the fray and over the cliffside bordering the next kingdom; as they run, they dance and interlock, forming an impenetrable wall that glows purple upon full realization.

The wall pulses as if to say, are you pleased? You are. You’re very pleased.

The tugging inside you stops. On all sides, sound creeps back in, from the smallest bug to wolves in the forest. The river babbles and roars.

You’re left with a euphoric desire that nearly brings you to your knees. The lidded eyes of Agatha tell you she must feel it too. Her hand begins to trail from your chest toward the apex of your thighs. Catching her wrist, you shake your head.

Those images are still bright in your mind. They’re intimately coupled with the knowledge that Agatha poses a threat to them. Subdued and bound as she may currently be, the touch of her hand still makes you sick.

You redress beside the river and begin the descent back to camp alone, uncaring of the way your still-wet shift clings to your flesh with each step.

--

Agatha lays in the grass beside the river, letting the sun dry her. Somehow the warmth of it doesn’t truly penetrate. Her hands are cold. She’s near-shivering despite the heat of the day.

She sighs. There’s still so much to be done.

With the easiest task of the day behind her, she thinks about the one that awaits with dread. It would be a mercy to handle all of it herself. But, though she hates it, she can’t handle this new threat alone. 

Two fingers between her lips, Agatha whistles, shrill and measured.

A beat passes before Aquila appears in a cloud of black and purple smoke. She perches on the rock next to Agatha, the same that you’d been sitting on only hours ago.

Aquila tilts her head, then warbles.

“Yes, I did have a reason for calling you. Give me a moment.” Agatha huffs, but scratches affectionately at the raven’s neck.

She summons parchment and a quill upon sitting up. It hovers before her, waiting. She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.

The trust on her side is tentative, but what other option does she have? She can’t go to the Court of Crones. She’d be killed on sight by the Court of Mothers. And the last one is useless.

Had things not turned out the way they did, she wouldn’t be in this mess. They’d have to do her bidding without question. She sneers at the situation.

Aquila warbles again, impatient.

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you have more pressing engagements?” Agatha asks, “You should lay off the Greymont mice. You’re looking a little fluffy.”

That earns her a rather vicious nip of the fingers. Agatha wipes the blood off on her dress, ambivalent.

Squaring her shoulders, the quill jumps to life. She can’t put this off anymore. It moves quick, scrawling out her message;

I call on your wisdom and sisterhood. The old shrine, two days' time. Sundown.

A. Harkness

The parchment rolls itself up and finishes with her signature purple seal. It attaches to Aquila’s leg where she sits. The raven stares down at it, then up at her Mistress.

Agatha regards her, “Find Lilia. Don’t return until you do.”

--

The walk doesn’t quell what the ritual summoned in you. If anything, the time alone to think left you worse off; your shift drying, but the space between your legs wetter.

You understand the allure of magic, now. The energy that’d come off Agatha still sends shivers down your spine. What you’d give for some of that power for yourself.

You try—and fail—to find a purpose for the day. Meetings are scant and activities even more so. You attempt to read, but your vision blurs. You practice your swordsmanship but it only serves to make you warmer.

Near sundown you give the order that none are to disturb you. You shed layers down to your slip and bend over the end of the bed, fingers reaching as deep as you can manage, biting back the whines under your breath. The angle isn’t quite right, but there’s nothing to be done about it. You work your fingers hard until you squeeze around them, trying to ignore the blue eyes swimming in the back of your mind.

--

“Her Majesty was terrified, I tell you.”

Walking back in the dark, she stops behind one of the outlying tents. The words root her to the spot.

“Come on, Phillip. Her Majesty faced down an entire army without flinching.” One voice says.

“Maybe so, but whatever was in that bubble had her babbling. If I didn’t know any better I would say she went a little mad.” The original voice responds.

A third voice laughs, “I say she already is.”

This would not do.

Agatha summons her armor with a wave of her hand. It’s heavy, but familiar. It still boasts bloodstains from that final battle. Another wave and she’s sitting across from the three soldiers around their own fire. They don’t notice her at first.

“An interesting rumor.” She drawls.

All three men jump to their feet. One begins to shriek before cutting off the sound. They bow. Glancing over their minds, she can feel the primal fear in their veins. She breathes it in deep. God, she forgot how intoxicating it could be to make grown men quiver.

She really should play with the forces a little more. It’s endlessly enjoyable.

The one she recognizes as the second voice stutters, “Your Majesty, our apologies—”

Agatha waves away the apology, having no use for it.

“How many have been told of what you witnessed at the barrier?” Agatha asks.

Two of them look to a third. Ah. This is the little talker, then. He fits the bill; smaller than the other two, lackluster. She wonders if he is any good among the ranks beyond his loose lips. 

“None but us, Your Majesty.” He offers.

She rifles through his mind to find he’s telling the truth. Good. That’ll make her job much easier then.

Agatha grins, shark-like, “Let’s keep it that way, shall we?”

All three necks snap with a carefree flick of her finger.

--

She stands steps from the tent when the wave of pain hits her, forcing her to double over against a tree. It’s like lightning is rushing through her body and popping all the joints.

The scarred-over X on her palm throbs in warning.

Another wave hits. Agatha’s hands dig into the tree, cutting open the flesh. Her nails threaten to crack.

Agatha groans, then snarls under her breath, “I got the message!”

Her palm tenses once more before it all comes to a stop. She takes a long minute to curse the forces of nature before entering the tent. 

[familyvideostevie]

living high until that fatal day

a/n: i never do this. literally, never. when i'm not here i'm writing stuff that's not x reader for ao3 and this is a fic i posted over there. it's a time loop story about joel and ellie. @bageldaddy told me i had to post it here. without her this fic would not exist. thank you so much, bea. so, here we go. if you read it, thank you. let me know what you think. joel miller & ellie williams gen fic. 7.5k words warnings: Time Loop, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, kind of???, it resolves, Suicide, only in one of the loops!, Canon-Typical Violence, joel gets stuck and has to figure it out, Father-Daughter Relationship, thoughts about sacrifice and love, POV Joel, mostly, this one is kind of intense folks, major character death tag is cause well the loop ends one way or another, gonna diverge at the end, but it ends well!!! i promise, also this is pretty firmly game but hbo folks should be okay!

summary: joel finds himself stuck in a time loop of that day in salt lake city.

Joel lies to her. 

He's got dried blood under his fingernails and his shoulder aches from the kick of the rifle and he's so, so tired. 

But he lies to her. 

If he was a smarter man he'd have thought of something better. Told her that the hospital got raided or they had a FEDRA mole, how the whole thing was a sham from the start. He doesn't know if she was awake for any of it. If the last thing she remembers is him reaching for her and failing to save her. If she remembers what it feels like to drown. 

It's hard to look at her in the mirror but he manages. Just keep driving, hands tight on the wheel. Don't white knuckle, don't spook her. She's in the car. She's safe. He did it. 

"We found the Fireflies," he says. She doesn't look at him. "Turns out there's a...a whole lot more like you, Ellie. People that're immune. It's dozens, actually." 

There's a strange pull in his gut, a pull that he's felt a few times before in the moments before everything went south. When the soldier pointed his gun by the river, when Tess looked at him on her last day, when he fell off the ledge in Colorado. But he ignores it. 

"Ain't done a damn bit of good, either. They've actually st--" Ellie closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. She doesn't look at him. "They've stopped looking for a cure. I'm takin' us home. I'm sorry."

She turns her back to him and the pull becomes a burn, becomes a black hole under his ribcage taking everything with him. He blinks once, twice, wonders if he got shot and didn't notice, if he cracked a rib and it punctured his lung, if --

The road in front of him disappears. 

He can't see a damn thing -- not like the lights went out, like there is nothing to see. There is nothing in front of him at all.

Then, Joel wakes up yesterday. 

___ 

He jolts awake with a strangled yell. Ellie kneels over him, the rifle he taught her to hold slung over her shoulder. It's just past dawn based on the color of the sky and how he can make out most of her face, her withdrawing hand and her unimpressed but slightly concerned frown. 

"You were talking again," Ellie says. "Nightmares?" 

Joel tears his eyes from her and thunks his head back down on his crumpled up jacket. The trees stretch high above him and he tries to get it together so he doesn't spook her. 

They’re camped within sight of the highway. Salt Lake City has been looming for days now and Joel doesn't want to take any chances. The ring-road is almost clear, dotted here and there with cars and a fair amount of supplies, enough that Joel suspects people haven't been here for some time. If this is another Colorado State situation, he's going to have to put Ellie in a car and take them back to Jackson before she does something stupid.

She's fine. Well, no, not quite. Things aren't the same and they never will be but he can tell she's doing her best and he won't ask more than that. Their pace has slowed this week and he's having a hard time figuring out if she's sliding back into some sort of post-Colorado haze or if she's nervous about actually arriving in Salt Lake. 

God knows he's nervous as hell.

But every day she'll walk as far as he tells her to and won't complain. He knows she wants to get there. They have to get there and it has to work -- because he doesn't know what they're going to do otherwise. 

She asked him a question. Nightmares. Joel sits up and drags his hand down his face.

"Somethin' like that."

Ellie shrugs and starts to clean up their camp now that he's awake. He still hates letting her take watch, but she needs to feel in control of things, so they split it most nights. She hums a little bit as she works and he has hopes that today might be a good day.

But that dream... It comes back in flashes: the giraffes, the tunnel. Ellie hanging from the side of the bus because she jumped to save him, her small frame sinking slowly, just out of reach. The crack of her ribs underneath his hands. The hospital. The Fireflies.

Joel gets up, rolls his shoulder at a phantom pain and looks down at his hands. Crusted with dirt and nothing more. 

Jesus Christ. He's losing it. 

They set off. 

The blue hospital sign seems to shine in the spring sun all too soon.

"This is where we get off. Let's go, kiddo."

Joel talks even though he knows she's not listening. He talks to take his mind off of the echo that sits at the base of his neck with every step. Has he told her he'll teach her guitar before? He's been thinking it for months. 

Ellie trails behind him, kicking rocks and half-heartedly searching cars when he asks her to. She heads for a faded blue sedan but he stops her. 

"Blue one won't open, don't bother." 

The look she gives him makes him think about what he just said. "How do you know that?"

He blinks. How does he know that? Before he can explain it, Ellie shrugs and keeps walking. 

The disinterest is new and it doesn't sit well with him. She's been through a lot, more than any kid deserves, and they're almost there. He figures it's worse today because of that. 

"I dreamt about flying the other night."

Joel's stomach twists. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Go on, tell me about it."

She tells him about her dream, about how it felt to fly and then fall, and he is dizzy with deja vu. 

"I've never been on a plane." Ellie looks at him like he can tell her what it means. Like he has any damn answers at all. "Isn't that weird?"

Joel hums and swallows the lump in his throat. The bus terminal. Ellie, drowning. Firefly after Firefly in his path. His hands flex around a gun that isn't there. 

"Well, you know. Dreams are weird." It tastes like a lie in his mouth but he can't figure out why. 

It gets worse when they find the bus station, when she runs off in search of something that's got her smiling. Her small hand reaches for the giraffe, her eyes bright, but Joel feels like he's watching it through a fog. He knows what she's going to say before she says it. 

"So fucking cool."

Joel has seen a lot of weird shit in his life but whatever is happening here is leagues above the rest. It bumps up against something in his brain, like the answer is just out of reach but he can't fucking get there. Always a step behind when it counts. 

Ellie hands him a picture of his dead daughter and something in him comes dangerously close to snapping. Instead of gratitude or sorrow or anything that would make sense, he's terrified. 

He's fucking terrified because this happened. Which means he knows what comes next. 

But there's no time to worry about it. They pick their way through the tunnel, through the runners and the clickers and the fucking bloaters. The pressure on his neck gets heavier, gets almost unbearable. He's strung tighter than he's been in years, like the walls are closing in on him and there's a timer he can't see. 

When they get to the rapids, he waits for Ellie to get to the other side of the bus until he jumps on it but it dislodges. The dam in his head breaks and he yells, screams at her to run, to leave him, but she jumps on the bus anyway. 

She drowns.

Joel doesn't doubt that the Fireflies are coming -- he hears them --  but he doesn't take his eyes off of her, doesn't stop the chest compressions until he's knocked out.

The rest of it is a blur, his sense of reality already warped by his need to get to the operating room. To save her. 

Joel picks them off one by one, floor by floor, hardly taking note of how familiar it all feels. He doesn't even give the surgeon a chance to speak before he's dead, a bullet between the eyes. He knows they'll make it to the elevator. He kills Marlene. He drives them away.

He lies. 

He wakes up yesterday again.

___

It takes a few days before Joel purposely deviates from what he's thinking of as the script. His head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds when he wakes in the clearing, Ellie's eyes on him.

He thinks about it as they pack up camp. Can he get them out of here? Would that be allowed? The rules of this aren't clear to him but he figures it can't hurt to try. They could turn around right now and make it back to Jackson in a week or so. 

He watches Ellie carefully arrange her things in her bag, watches her stop to admire a butterfly in the branches above. He watches her and tries to see her alive and not pale on an operating table. 

"Ellie," he says. "I got a bad feelin' about this."

She loves to tell him he's overreacting but today she crosses her arms and sits back on her heels. "What do you mean?"

Her scream as she falls into the water. Her ribs cracking beneath his hands. The piercing alarm in the hospital, her body warm but limp in his arms.

"What if we waited?" She frowns but he keeps going. "Went back to Jackson, rested up. Took a break. Come back in a few months with a bit of a crew. Tommy'll give us some guys, hell, I bet he'll come with if you want --"

"No," Ellie says sharply. There's an edge to her voice he hasn't heard in a long time. "Joel, shut up."

"Ellie --"

She stands abruptly, takes a few steps back. "I said no."  The look on her face tells Joel he's already lost. "Are you -- are you fucking kidding me? You want to go back? Now?"

He sighs. "Just to rest up. We don't know what we're walking into --"

Ellie throws her hands around in disbelief. Her eyes look wet. Christ, he's made her cry again. He promised himself he wouldn't do that. 

"We don't know if they'll still be there."

"We don't know if they are there."

"And we won't find out if we fucking run away like cowards!"

Joel stands. "I don't want another Colorado State situation, Ellie --" Her face shutters. Mistake. 

"Don't bring up Colorado," she growls. "You don't know what that was like." 

Damn right he doesn't. He knows by now what happened but he'll never know how hard it was for her to survive when he was busy dying on that mattress. But he has to try something or they'll just end up here again tomorrow. Yesterday. Whatever. 

The idea of her suffering makes his hackles rise, makes his blood run cold

. 

"Can I finish a god damned sentence?" he snaps. Ellie is undeterred and snaps back.

"Not if it's going to be about leaving. We-- I -- we're not fucking leaving. Not after everything. We can't."

Joel sighs and drags a hand down his face. This girl. He's trying to save her and she can't see it. There's no way to make her see it and it's his fault. She should know by now that he'd do anything, anything, for her. He lost that battle a long time ago, probably longer ago than he'd like to admit. 

"I know," he tells her. "Just...if you want to give it all up, to go back, we can. We don't have to go through with this."

Ellie's eyes are blazing and her tone is disappointed. It cuts deep. "Yes we do. I thought you'd understand that, Joel."

He follows her this time as she stalks down the highway towards the hospital. No mention of six strings, no dreams about planes. They catch the giraffes but she doesn't stick around to watch them for as long. It's a different kind of loss to be without her smile, her laughter. Joel wishes he'd never opened his god damned mouth. 

"I'm sorry," he says. "For earlier." Ellie pauses on the stairs and half turns to look up at him. "I know it's important to you."

She sighs. "I know you mean well." Joel closes his eyes. He knows what comes next. "But there's no halfway with this. Once we're done, we'll go wherever you want, okay?"

He plays his part for the rest of the day, just to get it over with. 

___

Next time, Joel waits until they're watching the giraffes to try something different. 

"So," he says. "This everything you were hoping for?"

Ellie gives him her half-smile. "It's got its ups and downs, but...you can't deny that view, though."

He seizes his chance. "Wanna go down there?" 

She perks up. "Really? Do you think they'll let us get close?"

"They might. Let's try." 

They manage to backtrack a little bit and end up on the field. It smells like a zoo but Ellie is thrilled to be so close so they post up on the roof of a rusty FEDRA Jeep. Two of the giraffes end up eating out of the tree right above them. Ellie holds her breath. 

"They just...don't care, do they?" she whispers. "How long do you think they've been here?"

She leans into his side and cranes her neck to watch one of them use its tongue. 

"Don't know," he says. "Big ones could've been from before. But the tiny one s'probably younger than you."

"So cool," she says again. "They're from a zoo, right? I wonder if anything else lives in the city."

They've been sitting here long enough that the sun has started to set. Joel allows himself to hope. 

"Might be. What do you say we spend the night here and look on the way to the hospital tomorrow? Daylight'll do us better."

Ellie chews on his suggestion. "I guess," she says. "Are we safe here?"

"Should be." Joel has no idea, frankly. He sure as hell wants them to wake up here in the morning. He wants to make good on this idea, wants to show her something else that'll make her smile. He wants this to be a bizarre, unexplainable day that he'll forget about with time.

"I'll keep watch."

They set up camp crowded against the fence so Joel can see the whole field. The giraffes leave them alone and Ellie falls asleep quickly after they eat.

In the quiet open air the dread in his gut returns full-force and he knows he's wrong. Again.

A branch cracks and he whirls around, rifle in hand to find three men pointing their guns at him through the wire. They might be wearing Firefly jackets but he can't tell. He doesn't care. Joel dares to look at Ellie for a second and sees she's still asleep. 

It's a mistake.

One of them follows his gaze and his eyes widen.

"Holy shit," he whispers. "She looks like who Marlene said --"

"Shut up," the second one hisses. "On the ground, old man."

"How are you gonna get around that fence, hotshot?" he says. "Ellie. Ellie, wake up."

She blinks a few times and sees his stance. scrambling to her feet with her knife in hand.

"Holy shit. What the fuck?"

"Get behind me."

One of the soldiers points his gun at her. 

"Don't move."

It's chaos after that. The guys shout at each other. 

"Don't point it at her! Don't you remember the fucking briefing?"

"You hadn't even joined when we got here, you don't know. We've been looking for her for months --"

"If you shoot her we're all dead --"

Joel locks eyes with Ellie.

"When I say run, you run. Okay?" 

The fear in her eyes turns to determination. Brave girl, he thinks. I'm sorry. He waits for the idiot pointing at her to look away and takes a deep breath. What's one more day?

"Run!"

Joel doesn't check to see if she obeys before firing through the fence. The rifle is incredibly powerful at such a short range and where there was once a head there's only mist. Joel clears the chamber as fast as he can and gets the second one in the shoulder but he's not fast enough for a third and before he realizes it he's on his back in the grass. 

The Firefly's assault rifle litters Joel's chest with bullets but he doesn't feel it until he tries to take a breath and nothing comes. It's like he's underwater.

At least he didn't make her cry this time.

__

Joel isn't much of a believer in anything but he decides fairly quickly that he's in Hell or something close. God knows he deserves it. 

His sins are countless, his ledger dripping with red just like his hands. They will never be clean. What he can't figure out is how he got here. Did he die somewhere in St. Mary's? Is the real world somewhere else beyond his reach, now? If he died then what happened to Ellie?

He tries to make tallies in the bark of a tree on the edge of camp but they disappear every time he wakes up. He makes do with his own slowly unspooling brain. Two, five, ten.

Ellie is much the same every time but somewhere around day twenty she asks him about it. "How do you know where everything is?"

They're in the bus depot before the tunnel. He's taking them quickly around the tents, putting off Ellie handing him a photo of his dead daughter. It's muscle memory at this point. A pair of pliers here, some rags there. A half-empty but uncracked bottle of hooch behind that blood-stained bed, some bullets under that overturned partition. 

"Just payin' attention."

"I pay attention!"

Joel uses the excuse to grin at her. It's hard sometimes to remember that she has no idea what's coming, that he can and should be good to her every chance he gets. The violence has already started to blur together in his mind. Killing everyone in the hospital is by far the easiest part of this fucking loop. These parts are harder. 

"Didn't say you don't."

"I feel like that was a double negative."

She's still energized from the giraffes and he knows she's working up the courage to talk about Sarah, but right now he wants to spend time with her. He spots the Firefly medal tangled in the shattered floodlight and points it out. 

"Ellie," he says. She's at his side in seconds, looking up at him with eyes brighter than he's seen in weeks. "Wanna get that down?"

She gives him her classic why are you like this look. "Are you going to be weird and pick it up?"

Joel shrugs and leans on the rotting tank nearby. "Just want to check your aim."

"My aim is really fucking good and you know it!" Even so, she picks up a brick from her feet and palms it, eyeing the silver circle before winding her arm back and hurling the brick towards it. 

She misses. Maybe three hundred miles and a trail of dead bodies ago she'd have stormed off, embarrassed and pissed. But she just makes a face at the still-swinging medal and then looks at him. "How did I miss that?"

He pushes off the tank and scoops up a glass bottle. "Sun s'probably in your eyes." Joel stands next to her and eyes the target, trying to compensate in his mind for her height. "Stand here." Ellie moves over in front of him and he hovers his arm over her. "Can I?"

She nods. Joel presses the bottle into her hand and she takes it as he maneuvers her with a hand on her elbow until she's got the trajectory he thinks will work. 

"Now?" she asks. "Feels pretty fucking similar to what I was doing."

"Just trust me. Throw a little lighter than last time. And higher."

Ellie sighs, but once he steps back she does as he says and nails the medal hard enough that it drops to the ground. She whoops and turns around, hands high in the air and a wide smile on her face. Joel tries to breathe through how easily she puts her faith in him. 

"Fuck yeah! Did you see that?" She holds both hands out for a high five and he obliges. 

"Sure did. Nice job, kiddo."

When Ellie hands him the picture of Sarah, he pulls her in for a hug. He half expects her to shove him off but instead she allows it, twisting her hands in his shirt as he cups the back of her head. 

"Thank you," Joel says quietly, thickly. 

Later, when he finds her on the operating table, he presses his lips to her forehead for an extra moment before picking her up and heading for the elevator. 

__

He messes with the order of things a little bit. Tries to make their morning last longer, tries to stay watching the giraffes for an hour or so. 

Sometimes it works. 

Sometimes it doesn't. 

Watching Ellie drown over and over fucks with his head more than the hospital does because he can't stop it. At least while he's leaving behind corpse after corpse he knows that she's asleep upstairs, waiting for him. In the tunnel, he knows that the only way out is through, but she has to fucking drown first. 

He gets sloppy. 

He forgets about the runners in the side rooms when he ducks in to avoid a clicker and takes a step too close. Ellie is behind him as always and he shoves her back blindly as three runners slam him against the metal railing of the stairs before he can reach for his gun. He's too surprised to feel anything, but their breath smells like rotting meat and something worse, something that makes his eyes water. 

Joel searches the room for her and finds her -- pale-faced and terrified, already reaching for her knife. He tries to say her name but it comes out as a scream when one of the runners goes for his shoulder, jagged teeth ripping through his shirt in an instant. 

"Ellie -- run, Ellie -- GO --" He begs her to leave him but his voice stops working as his throat is ripped out. The last thing he sees is her horrified face as she raises her pistol.

And then he wakes up yesterday. 

___

It occurs to him on day 30 -- if he's keeping track accurately -- that he's got one of the smartest people he knows at his disposal. Kid's got an encyclopedic knowledge of space as well as science fiction stories. He asks her while they're still on the highway, stalling though he can see the blue H sign from here.

"Y'ever read stuff about time?" No reply. "Ellie?" She's staring at that deer again. "Ellie."

"What?" 

"You read any stories about time back in school?"

"Uh, sure," she says. She tugs her sleeves over her hands and catches up to him, eyes on the ground. "Why?"

"Saw a weird movie 'bout it once. Somethin' reminded me of it this mornin'. Guy gets stuck in a...shit, what did they call it?" Joel peeks inside an RV and smells rot so he leaves it be. "He lives the same day over and over."

"A time loop!" Ellie sounds more excited about this than anything they've talked about for days. "Those are so fucking cool. Scary, though. I feel like I'd go crazy."

Joel drags a hand down his face. "Yeah," he says. "How do you think you get outta one?"

"Well, how did the guy in the movie do it?"

"He stopped bein' an asshole," he says. Ellie laughs. 

"Well, we know that's not possible for you. Guess you're fucked."

"Guess so," he mutters. 

The H sign is close enough that she'll see it any minute. He wishes for the hundredth time that they could just stay out here all day, just talking. If he had a guitar he'd play for her. If he had a fucking car he'd put her in it and turn around, even though it wouldn't do any good. They'd just end up right back here because he can't fucking figure out how to get out of this. 

"I think you just have to change, right?" Ellie says. She's looking at the photo of an airplane on the bus. This time she doesn't tell him about her dream. Is he losing pieces of her, already? "I guess it doesn't have to be about yourself. Maybe something you do, or something you say. It's the universe telling you to make a different choice, right?"

That's the fucking thing. The choice isn't an option. It's not even a choice. 

The one thing he hasn't tried and will not try is leaving the hospital when Marlene tells him to. He'd rather die a thousand times, rather live this shit show over and over for the rest of eternity than let them cut her brain out. They will not touch her while there is still breath in his body. 

He'd do it all over again. He will.

__

Joel tries a hundred things and they don't work. 

After his conversation with Ellie he decides to really fuck with the day. Doesn't matter, right? So long as she's not put in any extra danger he considers it. He begs her to walk away, get on his knees and pleads with her throughout the day. Doesn't work. She just gets pissed at him like that first time and he doesn't push it because he can't bear to see her cry. He lengthens their morning in the clearing, fakes sick or says the rifle is jammed and needs cleaning. That goes south, too, when a pack of runners wanders through the woods and straight into them. They make it to the highway and have to miss the giraffes because they're running. 

One time Joel spends all day zig-zagging them around the city to avoid the tunnel. The Fireflies find them much the same way except they shoot him on sight and grab Ellie right out of his arms as he bleeds out on the cracked asphalt, her screams echoing in his ears. 

Another time, he ties them together in the tunnel with some fraying rope and they both drown. 

Killing Marlene early gets him a bullet in the head and not killing her at all gets him back where he started, no change. 

Joel even begs the doctor to run more tests first, to try blood, to try anything, but it takes too long and the alarm sounds and he's cornered in the operating room before he can grab Ellie and go. 

Nothing fucking works. 

But what is there left to change?

__

His mind starts to fray. He loses count of the loops and it becomes hard to detach himself from the slaughter. Not even the good moments -- Ellie's laughter, the awe in her face when she sees the giraffes, her jokes and her muted but still sharp sarcasm -- keep him afloat. He's lost, adrift in a sea of blood and bullets and it starts to eat away any humanity that was left in him. 

The blood of hundreds, thousands maybe, is on his hands and he feels nothing.

Once and only once does he get there too late. Everything else goes like it always does but maybe he took too long on the first floor, maybe he took too long picking the guys one by one instead of using the assault rifle, maybe maybe maybe. 

When Joel gets to the pediatric ward he knows something is different -- he can hear a buzzing sound, something loud and unnatural. The stale air is thick with something metallic, tinged with death. The buzzing stops and he finds his feet glued to the floor outside the operating room. Voices on the other side of it, murmuring and the clink of metal on a tray. Joel's hand shakes when he reaches for the knob because he knows whatever he finds on the other side is going to kill him. 

But he opens it because he has to. The doctor is at the sink this time, the nurses nowhere to be found. Ellie's body is covered in a sheet, blood seeping through the fabric. Joel looks away. He just stands there, his heartbeat loud in his ears as the world ends. 

The first time his daughter died, Joel thought he could will it not to be so. He held her as long as he could, whispered her name with her blood drying on his hands until Tommy begged him to get moving. 

This time, he knows it's true and he knows there's only one ending. 

He raises his gun at the doctor who is now leaning on the edge of the sink. The door swings open and the nurses return, eyes wide and vibrating with the energy of a job well done. He swings over to them and kills them both with quick headshots. The doctor has barely turned around when he's dead, too.

Joel breathes, ears ringing. He manages one step closer to the operating table but his knees buckle and he goes down hard on the cool tile. His vision is blurry. Is he crying?

"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so fucking sorry, baby." He angles himself so he won't get any blood on her and then presses the barrel of his gun to his temple and pulls the trigger. 

__

If Joel was on the edge of losing his mind before, now he's laser focused. He doesn't pull any more shit. He settles back into the loop, savoring Ellie's laughter with the giraffe and gunning down every sorry motherfucker in his way at the hospital. He will not get there late ever again. 

So when Marlene says something different the next time around and he almost misses it.

Ellie is dead weight in his arms but she's warm and he can see the rise and fall of her chest. The hospital was messier than usual because he rushed this time, cutting down the Fireflies like it was his last stand. There's blood in his hair and crusted under his fingernails and his shirt is beyond ruined. 

"Are you going to tell her what happened here?" Marlene presses her hand into her side, blood leaking from around her crimson palm. "Are you going to tell her what you did?"

He lies to her.

Every time.

It's never occurred to him to try something else. Even though he's changed almost everything about this damn day except that. 

Because Joel knows what happens if he tells the truth. He knows what that will cost him.

And he doesn't know if he'll survive it.

He's afraid. Joel doesn't want to lose her and if that makes him selfish then so be it. He wants to take her back to Jackson and give her a bedroom of her own and as many stupid comics as she wants and three meals a day for the rest of her long, peaceful life. He wants her to grow up and grow old. 

He'd kill a thousand more Fireflies to make it happen.

He'd damn the whole world. 

Because he loves her and it fucking hurts. 

This girl and her puns and her comics and her god damned bravery and her bleeding heart. He doesn't want to lose her. 

But is this, whatever this endless hell is, is it fair to her? 

If it's breakable, if he has the ability to get them to tomorrow, to get them to Jackson, to get them home, shouldn't he? If he loves her shouldn't he give her a life even if he's not in it?

Joel gently arranges Ellie in the backseat and shoots Marlene in the head. 

__

For a few seconds Ellie thinks she's in the car on the way into Pittsburgh. The hum of the old engine, the rocking motion of the truck. But -- wait. She's lying down. The car smells...musty. And she's cold like she's wearing a dress and --

"What the hell am I wearing?"

She flutters her eyes open. Different truck. Backseat. Is she in a...hospital gown? What the fuck? Where is she?

"Just take it easy," Joel says. Okay, so she's with Joel. Something in her chest settles. She must be safe. "Drugs are still wearin' off."

Drugs? Ellie pushes back into her memory and tries to find something, anything that'll give her a clue as to what's going on here. They were in the bus tunnel. The water was rushing, Joel jumped on the bus and it started moving and she...fell into the water? 

It's a blur after that. More of a blank, really. Did they get to the hospital? Did they find the Fireflies? Based on her weird fucking outfit it sure seems like it.

"What happened?"

Joel's eyes flick up in the rearview mirror to look at her. "Let's get you into some clothes, first. Then we'll take a break and I'll tell you everythin'."

He sounds tired. More tired than he's ever sounded, frankly, but she can't imagine why. And he can't seem to stop looking at her like she's going to disappear. Like he hasn't seen her in ages. 

"Okay," she says slowly. "Where the hell are we going to get those?" 

"Your bag is on the floor by your feet." Joel veers off the highway down an exit ramp and Ellie sits up. Her head feels light for a second and then really heavy so she braces her hands on the seat in front of her and takes a few deep breaths. "You okay, kiddo?"

"Yeah. Fucking...drugs, I guess. What'd they do that for?"

"They ran some tests. We'll talk about it."

Normally she'd push him but something feels off. Ellie tries to get a good look at his face but she can't, not from this angle, and not with her head fucking pounding like it is. She's missing so much time. It makes her skin crawl, makes her heart race. Joel is here, she tells herself. He wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. 

He parks them at the edge of a cemetery and gets out of the car to stand guard while she changes out of the gown. Her last pair of jeans, apparently, and a grey t-shirt with a few holes in the collar. She wishes she had a sweatshirt or something to wrap around herself, to pull over her hands and feel covered. But beggars can't be choosers. At least someone put her shoes in her backpack. 

Joel doesn't turn around when she opens the door but she sees him stiffen. 

"I'm done." He looks back at her and she finally sees his face. "Jesus Christ, Joel, what happened to you?"

It's not just the blood. Sure, he's got dried streaks of it on his neck and in his hair. Ellie glances at his hands and sees it crusted under his fingernails, too. But he looks wrecked. Older, somehow. He looks like something terrible happened, the way she remembers his face when he fell from the balcony in Colorado, when he found her in the burning restaurant. But somehow it's worse. 

He's looking at her like he can't believe she's real. 

"Alright." Joel lowers the rifle and ignores her question, clearly. "Didn't see anythin'. Should be fine to sit here for a bit."

"Are you going to tell me what the fuck happened?"

He moves like he's going to drag a hand down his face but thinks better of it. "Yeah," he says. "I am." 

Ellie swings her legs so they're hanging out the door. Joel leans the rifle against the truck and crosses his arms. "You're making me kind of nervous, man."

"Just...promise me you'll hear me out to the end."

Yeah, something is going on. She doesn't like it. 

"Uh, sure."

"What do you remember?" 

Good fucking question. "The tunnel. The bus and -- water. I fell in, right?"

Joel nods, clears his throat. "Jumpin' on the bus was dumb. Don't do that again." 

She snorts. "Yeah, okay. Point taken. But I was afraid you were going to drown!"

"You did." He delivers the news in a flat tone she doesn't like. She drowned?

"Are you serious?"

"I got us out of the water and tried to get you breathin' again." Ellie realizes her chest is sore. She imagines Joel doing compressions like they showered her in school, imagines his panicked face, his hoarse voice calling her name. Fuck.

"Did it work?"

"No," he says. "Fireflies found us first and knocked me out." 

"That doesn't make sense." She frowns. "They knocked you out?"

Joel shrugs. "Just tellin' you what happened."

This isn't how she imagined it would go. She never told Joel, but for weeks she's been thinking about waltzing up to the hospital and telling them who she is. She pictured Joel telling her jokes while she got her blood drawn, pictured him staring down nurses and doctors while they made the cure. She figured it would take a few days, maybe a week, and then they'd be on their way back to Jackson. She had hoped Marlene might be there, too. She has so many questions about her mom. 

"What did they do with me?"

Joel looks troubled. "I...don't exactly know. It was a while before I saw you again."

It makes her skin crawl. He must be able to tell because he keeps talking. "I'm sure they just ran some tests while you were out. They brought you back, made sure you were breathin' okay."

"Tests?"

"I'm gettin' there." She feels like he's having a hard time looking at her. Something close to but not quiet dread sits heavy in her stomach. What happened?

"Joel..."

"I woke up inside the hospital. Marlene was there. Told me they didn't know it was us, that they'd been waiting." He pauses, drags a hand down his face. "You didn't wake up or nothin'? You sure?"

Ellie shakes her head. She doesn't remember anything after the tunnel. 

"Well, she told me they could do it. They had a doctor who could make the cure."

The air rushes out of Ellie all at once. "Are you fucking serious?"

"And then she said..." Joel chews on his words and looks away from her. He looks angry. 

"What did she say?"

"Makin' a vaccine...would've killed you."

The bottom drops out of Ellie's world. It's like a hundred doors in her brain open at once. 

It would have killed her? Are they sure? Did they do enough tests? Were they going to? Why didn't they wake her up? Were they going to ask her? How did they get out?

She swallows them all and manages just one in a broken whisper. "What did you do?"

Joel looks right at her. "I stopped them."

If Ellie wasn’t already sitting down she thinks her legs would give out. She knows that Joel meant what he said to her in Silver Lake. Knows that he'd do anything for her.

But this?

"What do you mean?" He shakes his head. "Joel. What do you mean, you stopped them?"

His shoulders slump. "They told me to leave and I refused. And I made sure no one can follow us to try again."

Static builds in her ears. She can read between the lines. She speaks Joel now. He killed them all, that much is clear to her. He killed them all, Marlene, too, probably, because she was supposed to die to save the world. Hot tears sting her nose and gather at the corner of her eyes. 

"But I -- but we -- I was supposed to...I'm the cure!"

"You're a person. You're a kid. Don't matter what's in your brain, you ain't dyin' for --"

Ellie pushes out of the truck and to her feet. Joel steps back to give her room but she knows he probably wants to touch her, to reassure her. The anger fills her, makes her face hot and her heart race. 

"Who said you get to make that choice? If they said I had to die maybe I should have? Then it would mean something --"

"Your immunity ain't the thing that matters most. You are. So I picked you," Joel yells.

She's really crying now, huge heaving sobs that make it hard to talk, make it hard to convey how angry she is. "Well, you picked wrong, asshole."

"I ain't gonna apologize for it. I'd do it all over again, the exact same way. Every time." Joel's expression is as serious as it gets. He used to look this way all the time. No nonsense, no room for argument. 

She tries to find the words anyway but they don't come.

"Now, you've got some options here," he says. "I think the best one is for us to go back to Jackson. I know Tommy'll take you in, and --

She laughs, or tries to. 

It sounds like something bitter and awful to her own ears. First he tells her she was supposed to die today and now he wants to leave her?

"Are you fucking serious, Joel? You want to leave me again?" 

Joel's brows pinch together. He looks pained. Good. It feels like her chest is caving in, like her lungs aren't working right anymore. This must be what it felt like to drown in the bus terminal, to sink slowly, to fade away entirely. She read once that drowning was supposed to be peaceful. This hurts. 

"I want you to be safe," he says. "Jackson is the best place for that. I don't have to be there if you don't want me there --"

"I didn't fucking say that!" she yells. "I -- Jesus, give me a fucking second, okay?"

He stands by the door as she paces back and forth, tugging her hands through her hair. 

She was supposed to die. But she didn't. There's no cure. And it sure fucking sounds like Joel didn't leave any option to try again. 

He traded saving the world for her. 

It's too much.

"What do you want, Ellie?" Joel sounds like he's been awake for days. Like he's in pain, like he's being hollowed out. He sounds like how she feels. 

She digs the heels of her hands into her eyes. 

"I want none of this to have happened! I want us to go back to this morning and I want us to not have gone into the bus tunnel and I want you to have asked for tests first, I want them to try something else. I want Marlene to tell me why they didn't wake me up. I want to do it again but differently, I want things to be different, I --"

Her words break off into a sob. "Ellie..." She opens her eyes and finds him reaching for her. His shirt is stained with dried blood but she steps into his hold and his arm wraps around her. 

"I don't know what to do, now," she whispers.

Joel exhales a shaky breath. "I know you wish things were different. I wish things were different. But they ain't."

They stand there, his hand dragging up and down her back. She listens to his heartbeat and remembers those nights in the basement when she thought it would stop any minute. 

"Fuck," she whispers, then pulls away. He lets her go. "Fuck, Joel."

He sighs. "Yeah, kiddo. Fuck."

He told her the truth and that means something. It hurts, it hurts so bad, and it doesn't absolve him of anything, but that matters. 

"I'm so angry with you," she says. "I don't know how to forgive you for...for...saving me." 

It sounds stupid as she says it but Joel nods solemnly. 

"That's alright." 

"But I..." She wants to get this part right. "Let's go back. To Jackson. We'll figure it out there. But you...you have to swear to tell me the truth. Just like this. We have to be honest with each other."

Joel meets her gaze without blinking. "I swear."

Ellie takes a deep breath. The anger, the horror, the disbelief at what he's done settle a little bit. She has no clue what comes next, but this is a start. 

"Okay."

__

Joel wakes up. 

His back hurts and his shoulder aches. It's dark, darker than it should be, darker than it's been for hundreds of days.

Ellie is asleep in the backseat of the truck. 

It's tomorrow. 

thank you for reading. let me know what you thought!

[yourejinx]

Undeniable Bonds

Azriel x F. Reader

Warnings: angst, as per usual. SPOILERS for other SJM series. Mentions of blood, descriptions of injuries, mentions of death, feelings. Not proof read.

Author’s note: Merry Christmas everyone! It took me MONTHS but is finally here, hope you like it. Sorry for making you wait for so long, life has been nothing short of chaotic. I'd like to thank @crazylokonugget , I read your comment. It was the rush of inspiration I needed to get back into writing 🫶🏻

CHAPTER SIX 

The moon was shining big and bright above the night sky in the city, there was music being played by the river despite the chilling winds of the winter and laughter filled the air around The Rainbow. It all seemed so livid, so peaceful and merry in contrast with the emotional turmoil brewing in your insides. 

You were feeling everything at once, every single thing you had tried to keep concealed for centuries now was ready to combust. You felt confused, and angry, resentful, wary…and underneath it all naively hopeful. It would be a lie to say you had successfully gotten rid of your feelings towards Azriel, if anything all the awful things you've done to each other hurted all the more because of that. He was a friend once, and a good one. Gentle, caring, protective, used to actually enjoy the other's presence, go on walks during the nights when the world felt too heavy, just silently supporting each other. Shared laughs at stupid jokes played at Cass and Rhys, sneaking around while in other courts just for the fun of it, knowing no one would ever find you. You were a team. Until one day you weren’t, he just decided it wasn’t worthy and that was it.  

How were you supposed to open up to this person, when he hadn’t even seen the worst in you and deemed you unworthy? How could you ever trust him again? Yet, here you were, walking side by side next to the Sidra like the old times. You could punch yourself in the face just for considering this, every anxious trait screamed at you to leave, you didn’t owe him a single thing, didn’t have to explain anything. So why did you keep walking alongside him? 

“So…uhm,” He started, nervously scratching at his nape. Trying. He was trying to be open, didn’t hold up that mask of coldness to conceal his emotions, not once. “You and Lucien..?”

“None of your business.” you snapped out of instinct. 

He avoided looking directly at you, focusing on some distant light across the bridge. 

You let out a deep breath, this wasn’t going to work. 

“Just talk to him.” Amren’s voice rang in your head. Try. You had to try, you didn’t have to let him know much just…let the conversation flow, right?

“It was a long time ago, even before Amarantha..” you started, casting a sidelong glance at him.

He turned to you, features soft under the moonlight. Gods, he was unfairly beautiful when he wasn’t an ass. You fixed your sight on the river, if only to keep on track. “Nothing really happened, we were young and drunk at one of Tamlin’s masquerades, we made out and that was it.” 

He nodded slowly and cleared his throat, “And now?”

“Is this what you really want to talk about? He’s my friend, not that I owe you any explanation. Or is this your way to ask if Elain is available now?”

You couldn’t help it, the audacity of this male prying into your private life as if he hadn’t been lusting after Lucien’s mate of all people. Hypocrite doesn’t begin to cut it. 

“I don’t care about Elain, I care about you.” 

You wanted to laugh. “Since when? If I recall correctly you despised me until a week ago, you were either insulting me or just blatantly ignoring me in favor of her, or anyone else really. Then all goes to hell and suddenly I’m worth living for?!” 

He grimaced, “You– you remember that?”

You sighed tiredly and sat down on a bench overlooking the Sidra. “Yes, I remember. I just…I don’t understand you.” 

Azriel just stood there beside you, shifting his weight uncomfortably, not being quite sure what to do.  When he didn’t move or say anything you continued, “I want to believe you,” you swallowed around a lump “but do you hear how it sounds? After all we’ve been through. I trusted you and you threw that in my face, how do you expect me to believe that you care about me?” 

This wasn’t going as he was hoping for, but at least it was something. You were speaking to him more than two sentences, which was a lot more than he deserved to be honest. You could yell at him, curse him, punch him in the face if you wished and he would take it. No complaints. Anything if it meant you’d show him how you truly felt, he wasn’t sure he could endure your silence again, knowing how much he had hurt you. He needed you to let it all out, so he could do something to fix it. 

“I don’t expect you to believe me right away, of course not. I know that I have to earn your forgiveness and one day if I’m one lucky bastard I might earn your trust back once more. But I also know that even when I try to make things right you may not forgive me at all, and I’ll accept that too. Honestly? I just want to know how you feel with all that has happened. The only thing that matters now is you.”

You let out a shaky breath, turning away from him. “I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, everything is a mess.” 

He moved then, crouching in front of you and grasping both your hands on his own, making you look at him. The earnest way he was looking at you, the desperate feeling swimming in his eyes that traveled all the way through the bond. It made you gasp, with all that’s been going on you forgot to put a shield up. Now you could feel him, all of him, which meant  he could feel you. 

“I have no damn right to demand such mercy from you, but if for a single moment you find in your heart a spec of doubt, a small sign of will to forgive this coward for wronging you so unfairly, I just want you to know how sorry I am, for everything. I regret it all, I wish I could take it all back. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, until the day I part from this earth I will fight for you.” 

You were quite sure your bottom lip was trembling as much as his hands were, trying miserably to contain the unwelcomed tears pooling in your eyes. Those were such nice words, the silly part of you that always longed for his recognition wanted so desperately to believe, but there were still too many unresolved things, too many questions still running frantically through your head. And one recurrent thought…

“Did I really have to die for you to notice?”  Your words hung heavy in the air, with a mix of accusation and vulnerability.

Azriel, gaze intense and haunted, looked as if you had just punched a hole through his chest. In that moment, the shadows that bound him seemed to soften, and he confessed the truth that had long eluded you both. It wasn't the brush with death that made him take notice; it was the fear of losing you that shattered the carefully constructed barriers around his heart.

"No, it's not about noticing, it's about realizing what it means to lose you," he admitted, his voice a low, gravelly murmur. Azriel's jaw tightened, a small sign that betrayed the internal struggle within him. "It's not so simple. The thought of a world without your laughter, your presence....Losing you was the worst of my nightmares coming true. I've always cared, but I let my past dictate my actions, and I was cruel to you because I couldn't bear the thought of history repeating itself. But I was wrong, and I almost lost you because of it."

“What do you mean?”

You had unconsciously leaned in closer to him and he swallowed audibly at the intensity in your eyes —obsidian black that sometimes showed swirls of violet and blue. Like lightning striking the midnight sky. They were a rare sight, a beautiful one, he knew that only happened when you felt too much. The telltale sign of the emotions you were so desperately trying to hold back from reaching him.  

“I will tell you everything you want to know, in time. I will lay my heart down for you to step on if you wish. But I believe that is a conversation on its own, I wish to explain everything to you and I don’t think I can do it tonight.” He looked almost pleading. “There’s nothing that can excuse the way I treated you, I’ve been a coward, and an asshole and you have every damn right to be angry with me, to hate me. That much I understand. I just hope you’d be willing to listen when the time’s right.” 

You supposed it was fair. It still made you uneasy and you pulled back a little, ignoring the hurt that flashed through his eyes. Given how strained your relationship was, you guessed it was normal he was still doubtful about sharing too much too soon. You weren’t that willing to particularly share much of yourself yet, if ever. 

Gods, you wished you could rage about everything that has happened, and hated the way his words had soothe an ache in your heart you were making an effort not to acknowledge. 

Time. It would take time to heal, and trust, and effort on both sides to make this work. Whatever this white flag he had weaved tonight meant. You knew it was the right call to make, for the sake of everyone, to try and make amends. That didn’t mean it was going to be easy, some things were too deeply engraved in your heart to let go. 

Did it make you a weak, spineless female to want to give in to him? What was the cost of it? 

“Alright,” you muttered, standing to your feet, Azriel followed you. “If I agree to do this, I’ll need you to be patient. I’m not ready yet to let you in, I still have my doubts about this. I think you understand why. But I want to try to be friends again, that’s as much as I can offer you right now.” 

Friends. That was a lot more than he had dared to ask for, even if in his heart he desired more. It wasn’t about him, nor his desires, it was about you and giving you what you need. So if what you needed from him was friendship, he’ll take it. Make the most of it. 

Azriel nodded, something sparkling to life in his eyes that wasn’t there before. The bond thrummed quietly with emotion. Hope. 

“One step at a time?” you offered, extending your hand to him. 

“One step at a time.” He repeated, taking your hand. 

It was awkward but welcomed, the feeling of something settling within your chest. The mating bond had been neglected for so long that the weight of it felt weird now, as if a missing limb had been spoken into existence. Azriel seemed to notice too, absentmindedly reaching his hand up to rub at his chest. 

You tried not to shudder when he gently tugged at it and opened your mouth to suggest keeping the ends closed for the time being. Unless until you were more comfortable with each other. It was way too intimate and overwhelming otherwise, and that you were not ready for yet. 

“Maybe we should–” you stopped as you felt something warm and thick dripping to your lips. Pressing two fingers to the spot and watching them stained red. Blood. 

Azriel quickly caught up to the movement, body stilling in alert.

“What's wrong?” he asked, stepping closer. 

“I don't know,” A strong pang shot too fast to your head making you gasp and causing you to fall forwards. Azriel’s arms instantly wrapped around your shoulders, holding you to him. His shadows were in a frenzy, surrounding you both while he inspected your face for any signs of injury. 

“Y/N? Talk to me, where does it hurt?” He sounded agitated. 

You could hear Azriel’s voice being muffled and muffled by the second, could feel his warmth and the firm press of his body against yours, but everything was quickly becoming a blurry image. Like some distant dream everything started to fade from sight, the whole scenery changing, twisting and re-adapting. 

Velaris had been replaced for a cold, dark room, the air thick and musty. The sound of crashing waves filling the otherwise silent space. Rusty chains hung wicked and ancient from the stone walls, an iron coffin sitting vacant across from you, open and expectantly waiting for its occupier. You couldn’t move a single muscle, only stare through eyes that were not yours, scent with a foreign nose, the smell of fear, and blood, and immense sadness. 

You blinked twice — or rather this…person whose mind seemed blending with yours did— and gazed down to gauntlet-covered hands. Iron, yet again. There was a slight tremble to this other body, a female’s body, from pain so deep from within her guts and the fire blazing underneath, it rose and rose and rose, flaring until it was pushed down and forced to remain still.

She looked up again, to the lone white wolf lying a few feet away, already watching her. The animal tilted his head to the side as if in contemplation and blinked three times. 

“Are you okay?”

—----------------------------------------------

Sound was the first thing to return to you, hurried, hissing voices coming from somewhere around you. 

“I swear on the Cauldron I'll have their heads on spikes as ornamentations for your throne.”  A low, deep growl laced with intent. You recognized Azriel’s baritone voice from beside you. 

Violet and blue-ish gray greeted you when you finally opened your eyes, immediately recognizing the Town’s House living room.

What in hell had that been? It occurred to you that you had dreamed about her before, the female, recognized the same lemon verbena and crackling embers scent from previous dreams, although never catching a full look at her. Who was she? Was she in danger? Was this a warning? 

Frowning you propped up to your elbows to sit, back resting against the couch’s armrest. Feyre gave you a soft smile, sitting down next to your legs. 

“How are you feeling?” She asked, worry staining her features. 

“I'm fine, just a little dizzy.” You craned your neck back to look at the male standing behind the couch, one of his shadows slipping away to caress your cheek before returning to his master. “What happened?” 

Azriel's honey gaze settled upon you, shoulders sagging a bit from relief at the sight of you awake. “You were unconscious for a few minutes, I flew us back here and called Rhys. I didn't know what to do. Are you sure you're ok?” 

“Yeah, I'm alright. Thank you.” You tried to smile softly but barely managed to slightly lift the corners of your mouth. He nodded, unconvinced. After a moment to cringe, you added, “Whose head are we having on spikes?” 

Silence. 

Rhys cleared his throat. “Your brother’s and Damien’s.” Suddenly the room’s temperature dropped. Feyre shifted uncomfortably in her place. We hadn’t openly discussed the situation yet. “If this is a side effect of whatever they did to you, we need to find the–” 

“It 's not.” you interrupted him. 

It wasn't like you didn't want to find them and finish what had started two centuries ago. But it was your fight, you didn't wish to trouble your family with it. Didn't want Rhys particularly involved out of anyone, he was the reason they came back. Albeit unbeknownst to him. They still lusted after his crown, his throne, they wanted vengeance. Your blood as well as his. 

Azriel stared at you, contemplative. You could sense he wanted to ask more but was debating whether it was pushing a boundary or not. It was all new to the two of you, too fresh to know what was appropriate. 

Fidgeting with your entwined fingers on your lap, you decided to offer some truth. Even if they didn't believe you, even if it sounded crazy. 

“This has happened to me my whole life. It doesn't always knock me unconscious, most of the time it's just dreams.” 

Rhys frowned but it was Azriel who asked, “What sort of dreams are those?” 

“I can't fully explain because most of the time I don't understand them. But it is almost like my mind goes somewhere else, like I share one consciousness with another. A female. Though I haven’t figured that out until tonight. I've seen scraps of her mind, and the places She's been, but I don't know her face.” 

You could practically see the engines in Feyre’s mind working.  She had stayed silent for most of the interaction, paying careful attention to each word. 

“And what happened in this…dream? What did you see?” asked Rhys this time. 

“Not much, she seemed to be in some sort of mausoleum? It was barely lit, few candles here and there. It had to be some isolated place next to the sea, I could hear waves crashing against rock. The air was thick and musty. There was a wolf with her.” 

“Do you think it is possible you're dreaming about someone in the Summer Court?” Azriel caught your attention once more. 

“I don't know, could be. But it feels off. There were chains on the walls…and an iron coffin. But she was alive, I think. Maybe she’s a prisoner?” You turned to Feyre then. “You’ve been there when stealing the Book of Breathings, does this sound familiar? Some place you may have seen?” 

She shook her head. “No it doesn't. That doesn't mean it does not exist, I didn't get to see much of the Summer Court. But why would Tarquin keep an iron coffin?” 

You sighed, rubbing your temples. “I don't know, it doesn't make sense. Why would I be dreaming of a female in the Summer Court? How do I relate to that?” 

“What if they're not dreams, per say, but visions? Like Elain's…” she pursed her lips, deep in thought. 

Azriel tensed beside me, I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. I hadn't seen Elain around that much after Solstice night, coming to think of it. Does he think it's my fault? 

“Hadn't thought of it that way. Honestly, I read too much, since I was a kid. I was convinced my mind made it all up until it started to happen during day time. But either way, I don't think this is the case. I mean, nothing that I dreamt of has happened, and if it did, it didn't involve any of us. So we have no way of knowing about it.” 

“It still bugs me. There has to be some explanation to it. It clearly affects you, I don't believe it's normal that these dreams cause you nosebleeds and make you pass out. What if it gets worse?” Rhys pointed out. 

“Beats me. I know as much as you do.” 

“We’ll have to look into it. Whatever this is, and whoever that person may be. Is there something else you remember?” Azriel's brows were pulled together tightly, but his eyes were gentle when he settled them upon me. 

“I just…one time I recall feeling her, here in Velaris. I — she— saw you two.” You pointed to your high lord and lady. Rhys stilled. “But it was like she was falling from the sky, or rather falling through. You were pregnant with little Nyx.” You told Feyre and turned your head to look at Azriel. “I don't remember much about it. I must have passed out, you found me in the hallway shortly after.” 

Azriel gave a tense nod. “I remember you lying face down on the top of the stairs, your books thrown all over the place. Your nose wasn't bleeding though, I thought you were drunk.” he said apologetically.  

I shrugged. “You didn't know, and I couldn't explain either.” 

“If this is a person that's been here without us knowing, then we must start to investigate immediately.” Rhys cut in. 

“But where do we start?” I asked. 

“I'll see if the wards of Velaris had been tampered with, for starters. Maybe we can find some imprint of magic. In the meantime I’d say you learn about bonds and connections, how they work, check your mental shields. If you have access to her mind then there's a possibility she has access to yours, there has to be a link somewhere.” 

“Alright, I'll start to look into it right away. There has to be something in the library about mental connections.” 

“You should rest now.” Azriel placed a hand on my shoulder. “I'll help with the research tomorrow. We can go to the library after training the Valkyries. If that's okay with you.” 

You nodded and relaxed a little. Ignoring the warmth that his touch had spread across your back. 

“Yeah, it's fine. Tomorrow then.” 

—---------------------------------------------------

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[crow-mortis]

.//---------ch. 0 - in which the girl arrives on the gorkhon artemy/female oc fic -- read on ao3

She moved to the town on the Gorkhon river when she was only 12. 

Her mother had been of the Kin, and upon the woman’s sudden death, the relatives there were the last of her blood with want of a 12-year-old orphan girl. Her father had never been in the picture; her mother was a runaway from the steppe for many years before she was conceived. 

She arrived at the station with barely an idea of where she was or what was waiting for her there. The endless, grassy slopes of the Eastern Steppe stretched out and onward all around her; she followed it with her eyes until she could no longer see the end from the beginning – until everything melded into one, singular shape. 

She had shivered then, terrified at the remoteness of the Town, and how tiny she felt in comparison to the wilds around her. Despite the vastness of the hills and sky, she felt so very small; her body felt constrained, like she had been packed tightly into a box of her own grief and fear. The emotions closed in around her, threatening to choke the life from her throat. Her breathing hastened, her hands gripped tightly to the strap of her bag – a singular knapsack containing the few items she could call her own. 

She had been lost in that fear until a voice – male, young, maybe a few years shy of maturing – roused her from that small, dark place. Her green eyes had met with blue ones – held there for a long moment before a hand extended toward her with a sigh.

The Burakh family were of the steppe people, though no blood relation to her. She learned that her mother and Isidor had been children together, and he recounted vividly the day she left as he fed her a meager meal of rice porridge and bread. She listened to him talk as he peeled a boiled egg for her – she studied his hands and the delicate way he pulled each piece of the shell from the membrane; the precision of a menkhu – a healer versed in the traditions of the steppe.

Her mother’s family had perished in a fire within the district named the Crude Sprawl. It started with a lightning strike, and after the winds of the steppe snatched the embers into the air, multiple houses were engulfed in flames – all the Kin screamed in agony, their voices one in the darkness as the steppe took their homes.

Isidor finished with the egg as he finished the tale, slicing the white and yolk and placing it gently into her bowl of porridge – a period at the end of that story; the book on her family name snapped shut as she watched the porridge grow cold in her bowl. 

Isidor took her as a ward, opening his home to her and granting space for her in a small bedroom in the western end of the house. She learned the boy that found her at the station was called Artemy, and he was Isidor’s son. He was two years older and had dreams of being a surgeon – they didn’t speak much. Though, that wasn’t necessarily for lack of effort on Artemy’s part.

She spent the first few weeks in silence, her face a slate carved with grief. She took up a few of the household chores. Busying herself with tasks kept her from thinking – it kept her numb. She would do the washing. Sometimes she helped with the cooking, always the first to excuse herself but the last to leave the kitchen, absently scrubbing dinnerware until her fingers ached. Anything to not think about it – anything to remain empty.

Artemy tried many times to include her in conversation. Isidor did as well, despite being a rather quiet man himself. She had decided after the first few weeks that Artemy must favor his mother. Though Isidor’s smile lines, nose and brow were prominent on the young man’s face, the blue-gray of his eyes were distinctly other. She never saw a photograph of the woman, and she refused to ask about her.

Though, she could guess. Sometimes when Isidor saw Artemy smile and laugh at something, she could see the sadness tugging at his eyes, despite how he would gently chuckle as well. Artemy had said they were Kindred, though not Kin – they had both lost their mothers, and the quiet comfort in knowing that began to wear down the walls of her grief, even if only little by little.

One evening, after her fourth month within the Burakh household, she had blurted her name out to them – the taste of her own voice strange on her tongue as she recited the name her mother had given her. Violet.

Isidor Burakh, to his credit, did not crack a smile then, and had simply stared with his son, the two exchanging a glance in the silence that followed. She fixed her eyes on her plate of nearly-untouched food, waiting for laughter that never came. 

Isidor had simply inclined his head, slightly lifted his glass, and given a soft, “bide kharaan” – we see you.

Things felt lighter after that. The steppe began to feel like a friend and less like a foe. Artemy would lend her books and she would spend the small hours before the sun sank low reading in the shadow of the Crowstone. Sometimes she and Artemy would collect herbs together, the young man determined to make it a competition and always returning with a basket overflowing. 

She was introduced to his friends – Lara taking a specific interest in her – and the group would rarely be found one without the others in tow. 

She and Lara developed a friendship. Together they shared a love of books and their compassionate hands would heal the boys when they would get into trouble – Griff was always the catalyst, and he had taken to poking fun at the two girls frequently. Violet found a sliver of joy each time he would tense in pain as she dabbed salves on a scraped knee or bandaged a cut hand. 

Violet and Lara became the den mothers of the group, taking to calling each other by a nickname. Names were gifts in the town, and she had been nicknamed Birdie, which Lara always said was so much prettier than her own – Gravel.

Often they would read together in the steppe, and Violet found her voice in befriending Lara. She would read passages out loud as the other girl braided steppe flowers and herbs into her dark hair – the two would skip home, laughing and smelling of twyre and swevery. 

Though she hadn’t made a point of it, she began to learn the words and traditions of the Kin. They respected Isidor, and as a menkhu he was the only healer the people trusted. The man was the only healer the Town had as well, and a portion of the Burakh household served as a clinic. 

Artemy would help; Isidor would teach him to see the lines – the connections of all things. Violet would listen sometimes as he instructed. Lines represent the paths between things. The links that connect them. The laws that govern our lives. Between evil Sky and kind Earth is a Line. The veins of our lifeblood are Lines. A Line carries the inevitable retribution for evil deeds. Family ties, the way children reflect their parents… Those are Lines, too.

Artemy was smart, more than he realized. Violet would observe in silent awe as he navigated both the society of the Town, and the otherness of the Kin. He walked the line between the two much like his father did – In the way Isidor was loved and trusted, so too was Artemy. Though he was not a menkhu, the Kin would take his help and thank him with braided cords, talismans, and other handmade baubles. Artemy would accept them with the grace of a doctor - despite being a boy in his teens.

Before she realized, an entire year had flown by. Lara conspired with the other members of their gang to throw a surprise party for Violet. Artemy had asked her to accompany him to the station – he’d heard that twyre grew there sometimes out of season and he needed more for his father’s reserves. 

They arrived and found Griff, Lara, and Rubin already waiting for them; a blanket was spread over the stone of the station platform and decorated with various pies and bread and other confectionery that Violet had never even seen before. They had all yelled out a “Surprise!” and Violet had needed to blink away the burning of her eyes as Artemy tugged her down onto the blanket with the others. 

They ate, joked, and told stories over the previous year. As Violet looked out at the grassy steppe around them, she felt none of the fear or grief that had locked her voice away in that very spot one year prior. The warmth of the others as they bickered playfully, laughter floating along the breeze, made her feel lighter than air. 

Artemy had nudged her gently and shared a funny anecdote with the others about when he found her there. Violet chirped in with her own input, voice small in comparison but still jovial. They all laughed and Artemy leaned back on his hands, his fingers resting atop hers as he did so. 

They both glanced at them, then each other, before Artemy went headlong into another tale. He didn’t remove his hand, even when Griff pointed out his blush and snickered with Rubin about how much Artemy resembled a tomato. 

Something heavy had settled in her chest that day; the steppe no longer felt like a cage. As she walked back toward town with the others, the sun sinking low over the ridge, she had looked down at where Artemy’s hand still grasped hers and she felt more at home than she ever had.

Years flew by them in a blur; they all grew up, grew slowly apart as each of them took a place in the Town. Artemy’s hands felt nothing like they did that evening so many years before as she held them gently in her own at the station. 

The train whistle floated toward them, and she tried to ignore it – tried to focus on the curves of his fingers, the texture of the calluses there. He was avoiding her gaze, so she dropped her own to the stone beneath her feet. She knew what she wanted to say. It clawed at the back of her throat like a ravenous beast, sending scalding heat down where it settled in her stomach, threatening to make her sick. 

The seconds dragged, her heartbeat was a muffled thud in her skull as she tried to will herself to speak. Even when she felt the gust of wind and the heat of the brakes releasing as the train pulled into the station, she had no voice. Artemy gave her hand a slight squeeze, and her gaze snapped up to his – green eyes meeting blue.

For a single moment, the world fell away around them. For the briefest of seconds she was back at that station so many years ago; she was a girl, eyes too dry to cry anymore. He was a boy, eager to get back to his friends and their games, but too softhearted to leave her standing on that platform alone. 

She memorized the lines of his face; the way his eyes wrinkled in the corners when he gave a light smile. She traced the angles of his jaw with her eyes, eagerly committing every scratch and imperfection to memory. She wanted to remember him, as they were now, knowing that when this was over they would be changed, altered – other.

The vibration of his voice in the air shook her. She hadn’t caught what he said, his voice stolen by the wind and the whistle of the train. He adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder, and his gaze dropped from her eyes to her lips. He paused, as if considering something, but thinking better of it. With a final squeeze, the warmth of his skin left her hands, the chill of the wind replacing it. 

She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, but the next sensation she remembered was a hand on her back, gently nudging her between her shoulder blades. 

“C’mon Birdie, you’ll catch your death out here.”

[khush-chronicles]

My own grandfather was a freedom fighter. But that is his achievement, in his lifetime. What right do I have to benefit from that? Even my dad wasn't born at that time.

My grandfather used to work as a police officer for a Nawab in a palace (which is now used as a museum) in Dhaka before the liberation war. My grandmother was the beloved handmaid of the wife of the Nawab. the 8 siblings of my mother were born and raised in the palace.

My grandfather was courageous. But he had 8 children and a wife. So during the massacre of 25th March, he left the city. My grandmother still says how she had to step over and on dead bodies, and walk to her village from the city all the way. How the river she had to cross through a boat was filled with fresh dead bodies, how vultures were eating the flesh by the morning of 26th March. She says that was the last she ever saw a vulture in her life. Vultures are nearly extinct in our country today. She is an 87-year-old woman, who often forgets her grandchildren's names. She can still clearly describe the horrors she saw.

After coming back, my grandfather started a grocery store. But his spirit to fight remained. He used to refuse any Pakistani who came across him. No service at all. He used to sell Milk tea with cream. Which my grandmother made at home. Pakistanis apparently loved the cream, but he always refused. He used to give shelter to the young freedom fighters in his home. Wrap them up in mats and make them stand beside cupboards so it'd look like it is just a rolled-up mat. My grandmother used to feed them like her own children, even though she was younger than a lot of them. Such were their spirits, such was their love, such was their will to serve.

The Pakistanis my grandfather used to turn away, came with military officers, beat him up in front of his own shop, thought he died, and threw his "body" in the river. His "body" was brought home to my grandmother, who didn't cry. She stood firm. My grandfather laughed, that supposed dead man laughed and said, "Fooled them".

This happened again. But he pretended to drown to save himself again. Then the man proceeded to drown 3 wooden boats full of military men in the same hour. He came back and went straight to the freedom fighter camp, collected weapons, and disappeared. Came back as a victor, a proud Bangladeshi, a warrior, a free man, and paralyzed.

He received a pension from his previous police job. But never collected the Freedom Fighter certificate. He didn't see any point in dragging his paralyzed body to a few villages away just for a piece of paper that said freedom fighter. He kept the rifle though. My grandmother now threatens people with it. Badass couple.

When asked, why he did not collect it, he used to say, "Are you free? Are you alive? Are your family members being killed? Am I alive? Are we looking at the green and red flags? Then we're liberated. We are fighters. Our freedom is our certificate."

Where is that freedom now, Nanu? Why are we dying again? Why is that piece of paper more important than our safety and lives? Are you watching from the sky? The sky was painted red yesterday, did you see? Do you know it is the blood of our brothers and sisters? The grandchildren you gave so much up for?

[dawneternal]

A Wild Thing | One

⚘ Summary: Elain makes a decision, Nesta has something to say about it, Lucien is surprised

⚘ Warnings: anxiety, angst

⚘ Word Count: 2.1k

AO3 Link ⚘ Masterlist

The world is blue. A deep Aegean blue, filling the endless space above, around, below. It is still and empty.

A bright, poisonous green pours into the ether in the way lightning spreads through the sky. The way that a river forks on a map. The way that veins spread under skin.

Blue turns to red. The color of spilled blood, slowly bleeding into the calm space. The color of anger and revenge fills everything and the web of green is a hideous, blinding contrast.

The vicious red is fading into maroon. Deeper and deeper, absorbing all light with it as it becomes an inky black. The green is throbbing like a weak, beating heart. The veins morph, taking on a dimensional shape, shifting into vines with budding leaves, growing small white flowers that wither and turn brown.

Urgent, it is all so very urgent as those flowers fall and die and the blackness swallows them up. Black as the space between this life and the next one. Black like the nothingness inside the Cauldron.

The last of the flowers fall away, into eternity. The vines do not grow any more. Then slowly, they fade into that void and nothing remains.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Elain's eyes flutter open. She stares at her surroundings with suspicion, wiggling her fingers to determine whether or not she is still in the vision. She can move them, feel the texture of the linen sheets beneath her fingertips.

She let her hand fall limp against the fabric and sighed, watching the morning light pour across the floor as remnants of her dream danced behind her eyes. Laying in the silence, she shifted through the images, hoping they may reveal their meaning if she meditated on them long enough.

But there was nothing of meaning, and it grew harder to focus as the rest of the house woke. Muffled footsteps and voices wove into a song of life. Elain pulled the covers up over ears and ignored them.

In the moment, the visions were so clear. They invoked such strong emotions she could almost piece it all together. But when she woke up, the imagery became desaturated and foggy within minutes and all gut feelings faded into nothing. She was left no closer to understanding than before.

A deep, restless itch surfaced just beneath her skin. She could not go back to her post-cauldron state, living constantly intertwined with the visions. Back then, they muddled her thoughts because she had not learned to let them come and go. Now, it did not matter what she did, how hard she tried to sort them into neat boxes and go about her day. They wanted her, wanted to pull her under the water and let her drown in nonsense, filling her body and mind to take for their own.

A few weeks ago, asking Feyre and Rhysand for help would have been out of the question. Feyre was busy with her little boy and Rhys had yet to comprehend that he had pissed Elain off. They would tell everyone, anyway, and then it would become a whole thing.

But the itch in her veins was growing stronger, the pull of the visions more demanding. She could not stay in one piece much longer.

Her window was closing. Lucien left for the Spring Court soon. Her stomach flipped as the reality of what she was about to ask settled in, but anxiety dissolved all the resistance in her body.

Feyre's lovely, musical laughter filled the hallway as she passed by Elains door, followed by Rhysand's deep, rumbling chuckle. And Elain made up her mind.

She tossed the covers back with trembling hands and shoved her freezing feet into slippers. Teeth dug into her bottom lip as she wrapped her robe around her shivering form and shuffled toward the door.

Slippered feet came to a stop just before the door, fingers hovering over the knob. How exactly was she supposed to explain how she knew where she needed to go? That wasn't even something she understood, herself. She just knew it was true. Answers lay in the Spring Court.

Elain shook her head, willing her doubts to disappear at least long enough to let her try.

As expected, Feyre and Rhysand stood at the bottom of the landing stairs, preparing to leave. Rhys held up Feyre's coat as they laughed together about something or other. A scene sweet enough to fill Elains mouth with a bitter taste.

She ignored it, smiling anyways, as her sister and brother-in-law caught sight of her at the top of the stairs.

"Morning, Elain," Feyre's smile faded as she took in the sight of her sister - thin, tired, and curls tangled. “Is everything alright?”

Elain’s lips parted as she inhaled, heart hammering, and in one breath she poured out her confession, “I want to go to the Spring Court with Lucien. I think I had a vision about Tamlin.”

She descended the stairs as the pair digested her words, eyes wide as they watched her. Elain waited, eyebrows slowly drawing together as the silence dragged on. Rhysand remembered himself and smoothed his expression, masking over into calm neutrality.

"What was the vision?" He asked, nothing in his tone indicating any alarm.

“Well, they've not been very clear, lately,” Elain stammered, fingers tightening around the worn bannister, “It was mostly colors. But I'm certain it was about him. And I'm hoping that if I go, they'll get clearer.”

"If something is wrong, we can take care of it." Rhysand said, gently. He was studying her, searching for hidden things. She did not particularly care for it.

"It's not that. I'm not even sure what the visions are trying to tell me. I…I'm worried about what will happen to my mind.”

Silence settled in the foyer again as Rhysand and Feyre looked at each other, a wordless conversation passing between them. Feyre's brows knit together in worry, blue eyes sending something pleading in her husband's direction. Elain watched her sister take a deep breath before she turned to her and said,

“There is no one else there, Elain. It would be only you and Lucien. You would have to stay close to him for protection.”

Elain shifted her weight, bringing her gaze to the floor in order to hide her annoyance. As if that was not the first thing she considered. Her discomfort around Lucien seemed so small compared to the idea of her visions untethering her from reality. Was she that shallow, in their eyes?

“I know.” She swallowed.

“It may not be very comfortable," Feyre continued, her voice soft like Elain might shatter, "It hasn't been clean there in a long while.”

“I can clean.” Elain said. There was something heavier in that statement than either sister wanted to admit.

So Feyre cleared her throat and forged ahead,

"It will be for a whole week. Maybe more."

"I can keep busy."

"Tamlin may not be very friendly to you," Feyre continued to press. Elain's nails dug into the wood.

"Fine," She huffed, "I don't have to go.”

Her mind was already reeling with back up plans, body tensed to turn and flee back up the stairs.

"No, no," Feyre said quickly, "I don't mean to dissuade you, I just don't want you to be unhappy.”

Elain swallowed hard, trying to stuff down a rising wave of defiance. But in spite of herself, her eyes snapped up toward Rhysand, burning bright. She slammed her mental shields closed so he could not hear the word that rattled around, deepening her anger. Mistake.

Feyre's mouth open and closed, her confusion written clearly over expression. Rhysand did not react at all, not one muscle in his face twitched as he met Elain's fury.

"Lucien leaves tonight after dinner," He said, too smooth to be oblivious, "If you would like to go, you're welcome to leave with him then.”

“Thank you,” Elain said, surprising herself with her amiable tone.

"You'll let us know right away if something is wrong or you need help?" Feyre pressed.

Elain nodded and offered a small smile. A little apology. Feyre smiled back, though her eyes were sad, filled with unsaid things.

Rhys offered a nod, and Elain returned it before making her way back up the stairs. There was silence, the creaking of the steps emphasized as Elain trudged, wondering what they were saying about her. Then there was a snap and she knew they were gone.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Elain's bedroom door burst open, door knob hitting the wall with a bang. Elain did not flinch, did not even turn around. She said nothing, only continued to fold the pile of clothes before her and arrange them neatly in her bag.

She knew who it was and had expected this visit from the moment she had spoken her request.

“You are not going to the Spring Court.”

Nesta was breathing heavily like she had run here, her voice equal measures firm and riled.

“You can't decide that for me,” Elain said quietly, tucking a rolled pair of bloomers between two folded dresses. She turned to face her sister, shoulders squared.

"Elain," Nesta said, her voice scathing. Her own shoulders were drawn up, hands balled into fists at her sides. "Tamlin is a beast. He does not leave his beast form. You don't have any training to protect yourself.”

"I don't think he's going to be much trouble right now, Nesta. He's very unwell." Elain brought her hands to rest at her waist, resisting the urge to fiddle with the lace trim, "And I won't be alone."

"Yes, let's discuss that. Because one moment, you barely even speak to him. Then you're running away with him to a court that's gone completely wild." Nesta scoffed.

Elain closed her eyes, hurt washing over her like waves of salt water. Stinging. She had tried to tell Nesta about her visions. She thought maybe her sister would understand.

“This is bigger than that. I won't be running around the spring court with him. And I'm not running away with him.”

Elain's cheeks burned at Nesta's implications. She was certainly not making it any easier for Elain to convince herself that she could manage to keep away from Lucien. All she needed to do was be there, in the Spring Court. There was no need for them to talk or…bond.

"I will not refrain from telling you I told you so when he does something stupid and breaks your heart," Nesta drew herself up to her full height and looked down her nose at Elain, crossing her arms. "And I will not refrain from punishing Rhysand for letting you go if you come back injured.”

“Do what you want,” Elain glowered, her voice low, “Say what you want. I'm going.”

"I think you forget that I have seen Tamlin in his beast form and you have not," Nesta growled at Elain's dismissal. "I would think my opinion holds some weight.”

"I think you forget that I have seen the inside of a Hybern war camp and Tamlin in his beast form," Elain turned and snapped, loosing the tight leash on her temper for a moment. The way that Nesta forgot those things infuriated her.

Nesta said something else, but Elain had retreated, arms crossed around herself for support. Nesta cared, she tried to remind herself. But she cared in a way that whittled Elain down into a smaller version of herself, irritated and sensitive. Nesta lived her life as a battle and Elain had no interest in fighting. She'd never win.

She heaved a sigh of relief when Nesta scoffed once more and stormed away, the door slamming shut a welcome end to their conversation.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

A familiar awkwardness settled into Elain's bones as she closed her bedroom door behind her. Chewing her lip in anticipation, she made her way down the stairs and into the silent living room. The small journey felt agonizingly long, and her heart hammered as she stopped on the plush patterned carpet, slowly lifting her eyes to meet Lucien's.

Lucien stood before her, a bag thrown over his shoulder, hands in his pockets. Immaculate, as always. Even with that unmistakable emotion written across his fine features. Incredulous, like he had been waiting to see if she would show up. Incredulous, like he still didn't believe it.

The defiant thing within Elain thrashed at his silent accusations, filling her body with that restless itch again. But she behaved herself, returning his curt greeting and letting him take her carpet bag.

Then he offered her an elbow, and Elain had to take a deep breath. This was something she avoided at all costs. The moment her hand landed on him, she was dizzy. Dizzy from her whole being singing in relief.

Mate mate mate, her heart chanted so loudly that she wondered if he could hear it. He gave no indication that he could, eyes straight ahead as he winnowed them away into the wild of the spring court.

[tojigasm]

Heavy with Blood and Sick

Authors note: thank you so, so much for 10k!! I adore you all endlessly and cannot thankyou enough for the joyous support and adoration you've all expressed towards my work. I hope you all enjoy this celebratory piece ♡♡

Warnings: 18+, minors dni, nsfw, labor, pregnancy, pet names, unexpected pregnancy, graphic birth, blood, pain, crying, fluff, love, angst

Synopsis:

"Easy, easy, sweetheart." He's soft behind you, grounding you as another contraction rips itself through your body.

"Breathe fr'me, deep breaths," he strokes his hand down your shaky arm, "good girl," Jake presses a kiss to the back of your head when you groan again.

"I cant- I cant..." your cheeks are swollen and hot as you pant into his hold.

Jake pulls you into him, pulling your hair behind your ear, "you can," he nods with his words, reaching down to cup the underside of your heavy middle, "calm down, kid."

He doesn't understand it. Doesn't know why you don't just come out with whatever the hell it was that was so obviously bothering you. It annoys him that you're crying in his lap, sobbing and choking, sniffling against the thunder and rain that shatters in the sky, making you jump ever so often. Yet you still won't tell him what's wrong.

He eventually stops prying, settling on running a big hand up and down your back in gentle rows.

"You okay?" He only asks once your broken cries have dissolved into quiet sniffles.

You don't say anything. Nodding into your arms cupped over your knees.

Jake eyes you at your quiet response, moving to speak before he pauses. He realizes he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what you need and how to help.

"Sweetheart?"

"M'pregnant." You cut him off. It's so sudden Jake thinks the confession shakes you as well.

It does.

Jake nods, humming softly before tucking you back into his hold. "Tsuy wasn't happy I gather?" He motions languidly to your position in his lap and you nod. He sighs through his nose at that.

And he's so warm. So warm and big and rough. So stern that you nearly start crying again. The blue stripes and scars a mocking reminder of tsuy. He doesn't let you go back to your home that night.

-

Jake hates when you do this.

Hates the way you look over his children with sorrow eyes. Whether its watching the three by the river, helping Neytiri with Tuk, briading Kiri's hair. It's all the same, the same look.

He knows the last six months havent been kind to you - riddled by your surpise pregnancy ontop of your mate leaving you. He'd taken you under his wing at that, both he and Neytiri taking you in as their own which had soon bloomed into much more.

Often Jake finds himself thinking back to the day the three of you had mated. Making the bond between the two of you had brought upon something he hadnt expected; rather than a flush of excited heat he'd been met with a heavy sorrow.

He often wonders what you think of, what you need. He doesnt quite know.

"Hey hon," Jake nuzzles your cheek as you thread blades of grass together. He takes a seat next to you, pulling his own handful of green from the root to start braiding together.

You hum in acknowdlegement, crossing your legs under your swollen middle. You like days like this, days where the wind in the forest is soft and cool and the trees seem to sing.

You can tell Jake wants to say something. He's always been that way, very straight to the point and naturally paternal to those he loves.

"What is it?" you sigh, folding over the last blade of the strewn plants.

He's quiet for a moment, eyes shifting from his hands of bent grass to your figure beside him. "Are you alirght?" He asks finally, dropping the ripped blades to the ground.

"Why wouldnt i be?" you answer sharply, fingers pulling a bit tighter at the ends of your necklace. He doesnt respond but you know whats coming, know that he'll eventually unravel your soft walls you so despeartely tried to build up over the past few months.

Jake's hand cups under your chin, stroking the base of your ear soflty. "Hey," he calls gently, placing his free hand on your wrists to push them down to your lap.

"Look at me, sweetheart," Jake speaks so softly you could cry. His hand on your chin turns you gently to meet his eyes. His amber ones search your teary ones before he's pulling you into his lap with a soft hum.

He doesn't try to coo you, doesnt quiet your heartfelt sobs and your choked cries. He lets hismelf be there, lets himself soothe a hand up and down your back as you cry into his chest.

"You're gonna be okay. I'm gonna take care of you, you're gonna be fine, honey."

—

Neytiri had been out on a hunt. Away for a week at least and heavysome you became with worry, sick, and labor.

It'd only been a few hours since your contractions started to get closer together. Every ache and pull against your womb simmering in the heat of your strength.

You rocked back and forth on your hands and knees in the heat of the nearby springs. Jake helping to relax your muscles as you felt another contraction rip its way through your womb.

 Jake, beside you, kneeling and running his hand over the skin of your back, gently massaged the rough of his palms into your shaking nerves.

"Haa... haa Jake” you cried, the pressuring heat in your belly so heavy you can feel your knees buckle beneath you. You nearly collapse at the intensity of it. Grasping for Jake as air catches in your throat.

He catches your arm, finding a soft patch to meet your heavy eyes.

“I’m right here, whatta need, sweetheart?” He stroks the skin of your shoulder, moving his hand from your back to rest on your wet cheek.

You whimper, “just,” you look back at your belly through a pant. "I want 'tiri," you cry, head dropping between your shoulder blades.

Jake nods softly.

“I know, hon. I know."

—

“Jake, i can’t.” you pant, back to Jake's chest. 

"Easy, easy, sweetheart." He's soft behind you, grounding you as another contraction rips itself through your body.

"Breathe fr'me, deep breaths," he strokes his hand down your shaky arm, "good girl," Jake presses a kiss to the back of your head when you groan again.

"I cant- I cant..." your cheeks are swollen and hot as you pant into his hold.

Jake pulls you into him, pulling your hair behind your ear, "you can," he nods with his words, reaching down to cup the underside of your heavy middle, "calm down, kid."

You sob, falling into his hands.

"Hurts so bad."

“i know," he nods, rubbing your shoulders softly, "m'right here.”

—

“Jake, pease,” you said mumble through a sobbing pant “please, just make it stop.” 

You couldn't breathe - you felt like your lungs were being crushed, your legs had gone numb, pins and needles stabbing into the heels of your feet and tail, running up the muscles of your swollen caves. Child birth was sickly.

Jake sat behind you, his chest to your back and his arms beneath your own, stroking the taut skin of your belly.

“Shh...c’mon, c’mon another push for me please.” Jake whispers into the back of your head, the scent of your heat claiming his nerves slightly.

“I cant. Jake, really, I can't.” you were so exhausted. 

“Yes you can.” Jake slid both hands under your arms to hoist you up to be sitting more. The abrupt change in position startling you.

“Kay, on three you're gonna give me a big push, okay?” Jake bent his head over your shoulder to kiss your cheek, lips against your damp skin as he did so. 

You nodded and readjusted yourself as much as you could, gripping your hands on his muscled thighs which sat on either side of you. 

“You ready?” Jake asks, rubbing his hands up and down your arms comfortingly. 

“Mhm” you nod again, preparing yourself for the inevitable contraction. Right as the first tendrils of pain passed through your belly you grit your teeth and pushed, eyes screwed shut. 

Jake's soft praises soothe you as you groan. “Such a good girl for me.”

—

Your legs were beginning to twitch from supporting your weight for so long. tail heavy to the ground and ears droopy with unease.

You sat in a squat, your legs spread and your nails digging into Jake's thick skin.

Jake sat in a squat in front of you, large hands holding the tops of your spread thighs.

“Ya doin’ okay?” Jake cooed, looking between your legs as he asked, quirking his head a tad to look up at you.

You nodded through a sob “Y-yeah- ah!” another contraction ripped itself through your body making you curl in on yourself, dropping a hand from Jake's thigh to cup your belly. 

“Jake, get him out,” you sob, lids heavy and cheeks hot.

“m'doin' the best i can, hon,” he rubbed your thighs with his rough thumbs. “you're doin' so good." 

You nod tiredly.

“Kay, gimme another push, you can do this." Jake nods, tilting his head to get a better look at your face. 

With a hiss, you bore down into another push, legs widening as a white hot pain stroke itself through your opening. 

“Jake, it burns!” You throw your head back into cry out as you continued to push. 

Jake took his hand from your belly to place both in a cupping position beneath you. “That’s okay, its all okay. Just means the baby’s crowning.”

Suddenly the pain spread itself throughout the entire bottom half of your body, spreading through your legs and numbing your toes in pure aony as you pushed. 

“Ta- agh!” you hissed and pushed again. 

“Keep your push, right there sweetheart, I can see his head.” Jake's tail perks and his tongue falls out to lay across his bottom lip, eyes zoned in on the small tuft of hair that would've been nearly invisible to the naked eye. 

“It hurts, oh my god it hurts.” you hissed and bore down again, your swollen lips drawing into a straight line. 

“Stop, stop, stop.” Jake interrupts you. 

“Why? What's going on?” you heaved. 

“Nothin’ relax.” Jake looks up at you, “You just gotta let yourself breathe, you're gonna pass out.” 

You went to say something when another contraction shook your core again. 

“Oh god, help, Jake, help me!” You could feel the baby began to crown, your legs widening to accommodate. 

“I’m right here, sweetie, you're doing so good.” Jake ooked at you, putting his hand between your legs and feeling around, focusing on what he was doing as he copied breathing with you. 

“In-” He took an exaggerated inhale “And out” he exhaled dramatically and you copied, the breathing exercise going on for a couple of seconds.

“Whew!” Jake laugh, shaking his head a bit, “Getting' dizzy haha.”

You side eye him which he returns in a sheepish smile. The small moment being interrupted when you groaned again, squeezing your eyes shut and curling in again to push. 

“Can you feel him?” your eyes fall shut.

“Yeah, kid, I got him, don’t worry, just keep breathing.” He cups the baby’s head, letting you push again as he helps to maneuver the top of the head out. 

“Ah! gentle, please- it hurts.” you sniffled and opened your eyes, craning your neck to try and see over the curve of your belly before Jake pushes your head back up some.

“You’ll hurt your neck.” he scolds, taking your hand from his shoulder to bring it around your middle to his own. Your fingertips graze a small tuft of hair and you're left to gasp lightly.

“Th- that's him?” you look up at Jake in exhaust, too tired to fully register whether or not what was happening was real. 

Jakes eyes are watery, “Yeah, kid. That’s our baby." He looks back down, moving your hand back to his shoulder, grounding you as you pushed again. 

“Oh, wait, wait, wait- right there, one more big push, his nose is almost out.” Jake readjusts his weight on both feet, stepping side to side slightly. 

You pushed again, a smooth pop! Filling out your body as you felt the head slip out of your body. 

“Oh there he is,” Jake stroks the small tuft of black hair on the smooth skin of the baby’s head “Hey, lil' bud."

You still sat in your squat, eyes closed and taking deep breaths as you try to calm yourself down, brows furrowing at times when a small jerk of pain would make you jump. 

“You okay?” Jake notices asked, baby’s head still in his hands, looking up at you. 

You nodded, trying to stop yourself from crying. 

“You’re okay baby, I’m right here. If you needa' cry then cry.” he reaches up and to kiss your forehead. 

Shivering, you begin to push again, the shoulders slowly breaching your body. 

“So good, so good, he’s almost out.” jake soothes, pulling lightly at the shoulder being pushed from your body. “C’mon just one more big push, you’re so close.” 

“Fuck!” You exclaimed and bore down once more. 

Finally the shoulder slipped out, followed by the baby’s body, falling into Jake's grasp, his huge blue hands dwarfing the baby. 

You fall back onto your bum at the release of the baby, going to reach for him as Jake scrambled to swaddle the infant within thatch wraps before handing him over to you. 

You cup the baby in your hold, hands shaking as you run your finger over the plumpness of his cheek. 

“Hey baby,” you coo through tears, leaning down to kiss your baby’s head before looking for Jake who had grabbed a blanket and was wrapping you in it. 

Squatting behind you, he leaned over your shoulder to turn your head and kiss you. 

“Hold his head, honey, like this- there you go.” Jake corrects gently, bringing his hand under your own for support.