#how do you have a sex life after someone gives your herpes?

[gay-drian]

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[iamkidfish]

So happy to read your writing again!! If you’re still accepting prompts could you do #6 for leatin?

Read on ao3!

(chasing someone's lips after they pull away)

Honestly, Leah should’ve expected it, considering Shelby’s enthusiastic insistence of  those ridiculous middle school basement party games, but it takes her by surprise when Toni suggests they all play spin the bottle and Shelby agrees. And okay, it probably helps that they're totally, like, in love or whatever, but still. It’s only been a few weeks since Shelby and Toni called an impromptu meeting so they could announce to the rest of the girls that they were officially together. Shelby’s gotten more and more comfortable each day with the whole “being physical with a girl” thing in front of the rest of them. Well, at least during the day. For the past month or so, Leah’s had to pretend like she hasn’t seen Toni curled in between Shelby and Martha when she's the first to wake up in the morning besides Nora. 

It’s even more surprising when everyone else also agrees to play spin the bottle. That, Leah knows, is no doubt influenced by the second round of Jeanette’s gummies they all ate earlier in the day. This time, they make sure Martha takes the appropriate amount and that she doesn’t wander off into the woods by herself. 

After they gather everyone (it’s even more difficult when they’re all high), it becomes extremely clear very quickly Toni only suggested the game so she could make out with Shelby at any given opportunity. Plus, having both Rachel and Nora playing complicates matters so after two disappointing rounds where nothing really happens except for a lot of bickering (which isn't new) and Toni flat out refusing to kiss Martha (“You had your chance for years but I'm a committed woman now, Marty”) so, according to Fatin and the rules, that meant Martha and Nora, but they giggle so much it's not so much of a kiss than just pressing their smiles together.

Leah can’t say she's too disappointed with the change of game. Yeah, she’s pretty fucking bi and the rest of them are all gorgeous and even though she’s been rubbing some of Fatin’s toothpaste on her teeth every morning, Leah’s fairly confident too many rounds of spin the bottle will give them all whatever the deserted island equivalent of herpes is. She’d rather not repeat any mass outbreak of any type of sickness, once with the mussels was enough. 

Once they get going again, it’s pretty easy to think of questions and before long, Leah’s heard how Shelby vandalized a car, a truly awful description and mental image of Rachel’s first kiss, Dot’s dream Survivor cast, including Jake Gyllenhaal for some reason, and enough knowledge about Fatin’s various sexual fantasies that Leah kinda wants to run into the ocean (again). Most of their truth questions just turn into group discussions but there’s some good dares that get passed around including Martha having to talk dirty to Fatin’s toothbrush for three straight rounds, Dot and Fatin streaking completely naked across the beach, and Toni performing a lap dance on Marcus. For the last one, Leah takes the liberty of covering Martha’s eyes with her hand and Dot covers Shelby’s after her face turns bright red. 

There's a lull in the conversation after Dot tells everyone the time Shelby rapped on the morning announcements and they all laugh, Shelby the loudest out of all of them. Leah doesn't mind the silence since, for once, her mind is blissfully empty of any thought at all—except maybe how laying on the sand kinda feels like floating.

Leah might even say she's...happy. 

Toni's voice cuts through the haze in her brain, “Hey Fatin, truth or dare?” 

She looks up and sees where Toni is leaning against Shelby's leg. There's something about the glint in her eyes, something too mischievous, that makes Leah wary. About what, she doesn't know, but on guard nonetheless. 

“That's easy Shalifoe, truth. I'm an open book.”

“Unfortunately.”

Leah hears Nora whisper to Dot, “Everything we’ve learned about her sex life has been against my will.”

“You’re telling me, she’s been talking about this shit with me since day four. I’m still trying to figure out what she meant by reverse 69.”

“Physically, it shouldn’t be possible. But maybe, Fatin transcends physics by like, sheer power of will,” she hears Nora mutter back to Dot. 

“Alright, who would you kiss on the island if you had to,” Toni asks. Then she adds, “but you can’t say Shelby.”

Fatin laughs and Leah can hear the rumble of it in her chest, from where it’s resting against Leah’s shins. She’s not really paying attention just because she assumes Fatin will say Dot (like she always does and crack a joke about being lesbian lovers, which doesn’t not make her stomach clench uncomfortably. What she actually says kind of shifts Leah’s entire world just slightly off of its axis. 

“Leah, no question. That was supposed to be a hard question, Toni? You gotta step up your game.”

“Okay then, if you’re not a pussy, kiss her right now,” Rachel says. 

“Yeah, no can do.”

Does everyone not realize that Leah’s right here, when everyone’s talking about her?

Rachel looks victorious, like she’s finally outsmarted Fatin, but then Fatin adds, “that wasn’t even a dare.”

“Fine, I dare you to kiss Leah,” Rachel and Dot roll their eyes. 

“There we go, okay,” Fatin shrugs and finally, rolls over to face Leah. 

She doesn’t even get to protest that Rachel wasn’t the next person, so technically, her dare shouldn’t count, but Fatin has either conveniently ignoring the rules or she wants...yeah, Leah doesn’t let herself finish that thought

“Well, wait a minute. Y’all should only be doing this if Leah’s okay with it,” Shelby interrupts and Leah could kiss her, if not for Toni. She smiles a grateful smile to Shelby, who flashes a bright, kind one back.

“I mean it’s cool, I guess,” she mutters. By now, Leah knows she definitely can’t kiss anyone casually and she thinks Fatin should know this too by now.

“See, it’s okay,” Toni says, “Fatin’s finally gonna get some and we get free entertainment.”

“Go on then, put on a show for us, Jadmani,” Rachel heckles and Leah wonders what would happen if she tried to run into the ocean again, right now. 

Fatin stands up and apparently this is going to be a Thing so Leah does too, desperately hoping when she rinsed her teeth off this morning with Fatin’s toothpaste and using her finger as a toothbrush that she didn’t miss, like, any three-day-old goat meat that’s stuck between her teeth. Fatin’s options are pretty slim, so Leah argues with herself that Fatin should appreciate any action she’s getting, regardless of the potential surprise of goat meat.

“You know, you can look a little more enthusiastic about kissing me,” Fatin tells her, quieter so that no one else hears. Leah’s grateful for at least that. 

“Fuck off,” but there’s no real bite to her voice. Leah wonders when that happened. 

Fatin tries to caress her arm and Leah slaps her arm away. Distantly, she hears Toni whisper to Dot: “this is definitely considered foreplay right?”

Leah turns her head, looks to the ocean. It’s not even twenty feet away…

No, she shouldn’t.

Past Fatin’s head but still in her line of vision, Dot and Rachel are making various scissoring gestures. Leah shouldn’t run into the ocean to avoid kissing Fatin, she shouldn’t. Should she?

“Hey, you good?” Fatin’s voice is softer than Leah’s ever heard it. “We don’t actually have to go along with this stupid game if you don’t want to.”

But that’s the thing, Leah wants to. Like a lot. 

“What’s the fun in that?” And it’s not exactly an answer but Leah’s not really concerned when Fatin’s face is so close to hers. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Fatin says, maybe out of breath but she’s too focused on keeping air in her own lungs.

“Okay.”

Fatin’s lips are a little dry like she expected but Leah kind of likes it.

She has to bend her neck down to keep her lips pressed against Fatin’s and in the middle of the kiss, Leah realizes there’s this awkward amount of space between their bodies like she’s fourteen and dancing with a boy at her cousin’s bat mitzvah, so Leah pulls Fatin closer by her hips. A low, strangled kind of hum escapes Fatin’s lips. Interesting. 

But then Fatin’s pulling back and really it was too short of a kiss (even for their stupid dare), so Leah’s only a little ashamed when she chases after Fatin’s lips, eyes half-closed.

 Some of the girls (Toni) are wolf-whistling but it’s all white noise to Leah. She opens her eyes and Fatin’s hasn’t quite moved out of her space yet. 

“How was that for you?” She jokes and yeah, Leah knows she’s bad at flirting, but even that was awkward for her. 

Fatin doesn’t say anything, just looks at her (well, at her lips) with a kind of glazed over look in her eyes. Leah never anticipated Fatin ever being speechless but there’s a first for everything.

Leah opens her mouth to talk but Fatin’s eyes snap up to her eyes and Leah wishes Fatin wasn’t so hard to fucking read all the time. Then, it doesn’t really matter because she turns and runs away without saying anything. 

“Omg, Leah I think you broke Fatin,” Martha says. 

“Yeah right Marty, more like she’s off to go masterbate with her toothbrush,” Toni responds.

Leah’s scared it’s the former.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #341

“anger, misery, you’ll suffer unto me”

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? I don't think so. Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? No, and I never would. Grow up. Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? No. Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? Yeah; guilt would eat me alive otherwise. Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? Fucking ew, no. Have you ever held back a well-deserved compliment because you were jealous? No. Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? Ugh, no. Would most people consider you better than average looking? Ha, no. For yourself, would you rather have a perfect body or high IQ? Give me the perfect body, living in my horrible one has affected my mental health badly enough. I'm fine with having a moderate IQ. I just want to feel happy in my own skin. Have you ever embarrassed some intentionally in public? Wow, no. Have you ever used a false ID? Also no. Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I'm embarrassed to tell people I don't HAVE a job. Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I don't. I'm sure it was RP-related and not friendly, but I don't remember the exact convo. Have you ever got a D or F on your report card? I want to say no; I think the lowest I ever got was a C. If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? Ugh, no. I'm sorry if you're into it, but I'm just not. I would want to ensure they knew their uniqueness and individuality was seen. Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? There's a large number of those kinds of people. What brings out the worst in you? Probably when I'm building up towards a PTSD meltdown. I get VERY short and snappy and am convinced everyone hates and wants to leave me. My mouth also has NO fucking leash, and I know I can say very mean things that I'll regret later. What do you prefer, Skittles or Starbursts? Skittles. Mike & Ikes or Jolly Ranchers? Jolly Ranchers for sure. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Waffles (with syrup). Don't knock it 'til you try it, I'm telling you. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live? Besides birds obviously, there's squirrels, deer, opossums, raccoons... Have you ever had a lucid dream? I think I've had just one. What's your biggest problem at the moment? Probably my anxiety having stunted my growth in so many areas. Have you ever turned down a job offer? I don't think so, no. What's the longest hospital stay you've had? For what? I think my longest was almost two months for suicidal thoughts. Two months might sound long, but it was like... my third or so psych hospital stay for that same reason. What's something really basic that you're terrible at? Even the most simple math. I don't even know the majority of my elementary multiplication tables. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I have one there already, but I plan on getting it covered because it was an impulse tattoo that I feel no connection towards. Have you ever searched for your house on Google Earth? My old house, yeah. Are you a beach, country, or city person? Country. Living in the suburbs has definitely reminded me of that... Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Typing, by a long shot. I make typos texting too much. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yeah. Who is the last person that you said "I love you" to, besides family members? Sara. When was your first real relationship? Sophomore year of high school to early college. Have you ever cried over an ex? I've cried the entire mass of water on Earth over an ex lmao. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? I think I have once or twice, but obviously with consent. What’s a hobby you would like to try out? If my legs worked like actual legs and I didn't sweat like an absolute pig, I would like to try out herping, but without actually interacting with the animal like picking it up and scaring the daylights out of it. I'd just be happy enough looking for reptiles, amphibians, and inverts to photograph instead. Does that still even count as herping? What was the last event you attended? My youngest niece's birthday party. How about the last event you organized? I've never organized an event. What’s something you get excited about doing and want to do it right away? Whenever I take nature pictures, I'm immediately keen to get them into Lightroom and do the postproduction. Is there anything you feel you’re better at than anybody else? Definitely not. What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? If you exclude places like the zoo, that would probably be a rhinoceros beetle or something. Oh no, actually some kind of local moth I don't know the name of. They're beautiful big white boiz. How about the biggest spider? I might be mis-remembering, but I believe at a reptile convention I went to with Sara, one of the vendors had a goliath bird eater tarantula in one of the cups. I do know it was some tarantula species for sure, though. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad. Obviously not romantically, but him just splitting on the family with no proper communication absolutely broke my heart for years. First person to give you flowers or candy on Valentine’s day? I'm sure that would be my parents. If you exclude them 'cuz that's kinda obvious, I believe it was Aaron, my first boyfriend. I'm pretty sure we were together on Valentine's Day, because I remember getting him a giant Hershey's Kiss. First band you obsessed about? I wasn't truly obsessed with any band 'til Ozzy in middle school. Can you do a backflip? No; I've never tried and never will. I was and still am too afraid of breaking my neck. Like I have a MASSIVE fear of paralysis, particularly from the neck down; that fear is actually the biggest one that keeps me from driving, fun fact. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Of the two, definitely a pessimist, but I at least think I align most with being a realist. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I'm unsure. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same sex? Yeah. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Just one. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Tyler once drew a picture of him and me. It was cute. That guy still dove in WAY too fast. Have you ever dated a redhead? I haven't, but I love redheads. Natural red hair is just gorgeous. What are your thoughts on facial hair on guys? Historically, I seem to generally like some, but it really depends on the guy's general appearance. I can like none at all or a full beard and mustache, it doesn't really matter to me. Did you go anywhere today? No; my mom is in Florida with her brothers totally cleaning out Grammy's house, so she's not here to take me anywhere. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Oh yikes, I have a lot. I honestly can't count because I've lost track of how many boys and girls Katie has. You have a choice to shoot your father or die, what would you do? Jesus. I'd rather die; some things just aren't worth living after, and I'd have no desire to keep going if I killed my father. Did you ever cry at the end of King Kong? I've never watched it, actually, but I. LOVED. The video game. I haven't played it in years and only faintly remember how it ends, but I don't remember crying. Are you in any amount of pain at the moment? Quite a lot, actually. It's kinda a TMI subject so I won't delve into it, just know I'm hurting like a bitch. What was the last sugary thing you ate? I snacked on some chocolate chips earlier today... which I really shouldn't have done, but I think I had reasonable restraint and didn't totally binge. When was the last time you did something extremely stupid? Who knows, that's not a rare occurrence, it feels like. Have you been to any parties lately? Only my niece's bday party in February. Thankfully it was kept pretty small, given Covid; not that anyone in that family besides my sister gives a flying fuck about precautions, though... Can you touch your pinky to your thumb around your wrist? Ugh, no. Close, but not enough. I still have thin wrists and hands, but yeah, yay for being overweight. If you were to start a charity, what would you call it? I'd hve to put more thought than I'm willing for one survey question. I'd have to decide what KIND of charity I want to start first, which I'm unsure of. Probably something related to animal wellfare and conservation or something similar to the Trevor Project. Maybe LBGTQ+ youth disowned by their families... I dunno. There's so much good I wish I could do. Are you comfortable with your body? Holy fuck no. It's only gotten worse since I started gaining weight again and almost entirely erased all weight loss progress I'd made. What is your recent inside joke? Most recently made? Idk, man. I don't make those often. Would you rather be a human, vampire, or a werewolf? Er, I'm good with being a human. If I was a vampire or werewolf, I wouldn't exactly be very welcomed, I'm sure, and both have seemingly painful traits to cope with. Are you good at giving directions? It is absolutely impossible for me. I have NO sense of direction, like, at all. I don't know highway names, local exits, etc. etc. etc. etc. Why did you last curse? Pain when readjusting myself due to aforementioned issue I'm having. What is your purpose in life? I hope it involves animals and spreading words of peace and an appreciation for art. What is one of your weak points? I'm very, very, very dependent on others. I'm really working on trying to correct that. I can barely do shit on my own as is. Who was the last person you heard snoring? My cat, haha. Would you rather shower by yourself or with another person? 100% by myself. Another person would just get in the way and make me VERY self-conscious of my body, even if it was my romantic partner. Just please leave me alone to hate myself for 10 minutes. :^) What was your last addiction? You could say my current one is John Wolfe, a really funny let's player I've gotten into. Been bingeing some of my favorite games he has playlists of for a few weeks now. You are in a tank full of spiders, what do you do? Well one, I'd like to know what kind they are. Venomous? Harmless? You gotta give me the details. If I don't have any, then I'm admittedly freaking the fuck out, even though I know I should stay very calm when trying to get out. Fear would win, though. If killing yourself meant saving the world, would you? Saving the world from what? But odds are, yeah. I don't cherish my pretty damn mediocre life more than I do the lives of what, 8 billion people? Have you ever stayed up all night just to talk to someone? Yeah. When was the last time you eavesdropped someone? I kinda do that sometimes when Mom's on the phone and I can hear her from my room, and if they're on speaker. Particularly if the subject is me. When was the last time you went to a club? I've never been to one. How have you been sleeping? Poorly. Are you adopted? No, I'm not. Do you like scrapbooking? Not really, no. Do you collect anything valuable? "Valuable to me." <<<< This. Nothing of great monetary worth, though. Have you ever been beaten up? No, thankfully. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I don't think so, in my personal life. What was the last thing you killed? An ant. Have you ever used someone for money? I never could, no. When was the last time you went to the zoo? Sigh, it's been many many years. I'm so ready to get my goddamn legs back in shape so I can go again, this time with a REAL camera, too. Last time I went was when I still only had a Kodak EasyShare; I have a professional Canon camera now with much more education on photography too, so I would be in absolute heaven with at least twenty memory cards in need, haha. Maybe next fall... Is there a teacher you hate more than anything? I actually never had a teacher I hated in my entire school career. It really, really is as simple as just being a respectful student. In most cases, I should emphasize, because I do understand some educators just suck. Now I had some teachers I wasn't very fond of, but most certainly none that I hated. Do you own colored eyeliner? No. Do you have manners? I honestly think I'm very mannerly. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? We last had to put my dog Teddy down; he had cancer and was literally withering away. I knew in my very core that even if we didn't bring him to the vet to euthanize him, he would've died naturally in a very short period of time; I doubt he would've survived another night. Now I'd like to move on. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination of Vraylar and Lamictal is the reason I'm alive. It keeps my bipolarity and depression under control. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but those are some of my favorite crafts visually. They're very pretty and cute. Can you see the mountains from where you live? Oh hunny, I wish. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? As a kid, yeah. I don't anymore. I'm not really even a fan of April Fool's Day as an adult because of how cruel some jokes assholes play are. Which instrument would you play if you could learn to play one? Maybe violin. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? The left. What are some names you like that start with the first letter of your name? Uhhhh Bianca, Braelynn (look I know it's so stereotypically Southern but it's pretty)... and idk from there, those are the two that come to mind first.

[mavmax]

The Art of Detachment

When: Throughout Maverick’s Life 

Where: Santa Monica 

Major Warnings: Bullying, Mental Health 

Featuring: Lexa Maxwell, Izzy Maxwell

Maverick was always a very happy child. He loved telling jokes and pulling pranks. He was always known for his smile, the way his nose scrunched up like a bunny and he’d show all his teeth (and lack thereof during the tooth fairy days). Lexa called him a bunny when they were young because of his smile. It’s why she’d chase him around to try and tickle him because she always found his smile endearing. But with happiness came sadness, frustration. Mav remembers their mother telling his sisters, but specifically Lexa, that “princesses don’t cry.” Especially in the public eye where cameras flashed and reporters held out their microphones excitedly. In the public eye, Maverick saw the masks everyone put on, including his own. Lexa was the strong one, Izzy was the kind one, and Maverick, was the charismatic one. He didn’t understand at first why but learned to get into it and smile for the camera, while Izzy sweetly smiled, and Lexa’s lips would curl into a haughty smirk, or often times, she didn’t smile at all. 

He was curious about that, especially when he started school because often times he got in trouble for slingshotting a kid who’d piss him off or slugging someone in the jaw. It wasn’t an anger issue but more of, kids were mean and he defended himself using physical force rather than verbally, especially with how often he’d mix himself up between Korean and English. Sure, he was pretty popular and had many friends, but with that popularity, came the challenge for the title. That was when he went to Lexa. His hands were bruised yet again from angrily punching the punching bag in his room bare-handed. Mav was 10 and just starting the 5th grade, Lexa was 14, her hair tied high in pigtails as a high school freshman. 

She sat him down and sighed, icing his knuckles, and wrapping them up. As much as they often fought the most, she still always had a soft spot for her little brother. 

“Bunny,” she sighed, ruffling his hair. “How are you supposed to play basketball if you keep fighting and ruining your hands like this, huh?”

He shrugged silently. She tilted her head and sighed once more. 

“Well, you’ve got to stop otherwise mom and dad will pull you out and then Izzy and I won’t be able to watch you. Is that what you want?”

“No,” his lower lip began to wobble as his eyes watered and he lowered his head.

“Hey,” she frowned and pulled in Mav for a hug. “I know it’s not fair, Bunny.” 

“I-I’m j-just s-so m-m-mad,” He stammered through sniffles. 

It hurt Lexa to see her little brother this way. He didn’t have to prove to the world that he was likable because of how sweet he already was, but she knew deep down that he’d continue to get hurt and so, the princess who didn’t cry would teach the charismatic prince the art of detachment. First, she let him cry it out, rubbing his back in a soothing way until the sobs subsided. 

Wiping his tears away, she then said, “Princes don’t cry, remember?” 

He nodded slowly. 

“I promise, no one’s going to make you cry ever again,” She promised him. 

And so, it began. On the weekends in between bickering and poor Izzy mediating, Mav was beginning to learn the art of detachment. Mav’s fiery anger only simmered rather than boiled over. There were less wrestling matches once Lexa got him to channel his anger into his words. 

“You have to let it roll off your shoulders,” She instructed, rolling her own shoulders to show him. He mimicked her in the mirror and rolled his neck. 

The next step was easy, Mav was crafty with his insults, but it was all about not letting the anger boil over. Lexa taught him to maintain a composure, to straighten his shoulders back to appear taller, mimicking their dad’s posture before saying what he needed to say. 

The final step was the hard part. Lexa would say it was because she was a Leo, where she could easily act her way through everything. It was why she was able to play the role of the ice princess so easily…and now she was teaching Mav, to protect himself. 

“When they ask you to smile, start with the eyes. They’ll be able to detect any falter of a smile very quickly if your eyes don’t match it. So, we’ll practice in the mirror.” 

Mav practiced each and every time. He smiled with his eyes, then followed up with his nose. After a while, he managed to nail it and then began the tests. 

When he started public school, the method worked. He was quick to cut off people that showed their true colors without hesitation and remorse, even though he silently took the loss in the comfort of his own room. Between basketball, music, and art, they were his healthier coping mechanisms to let the repressed emotions breathe. 

His big test was always around the holidays. Benji was his biggest bully but he was also quick to play the victim and put the blame on a fiery Maverick. So the insults flew like daggers towards his cousin. He picked him apart like his mother’s charcuterie board, calling him everything under the sun from an inbred big-headed bitch baby to the human version of herpes to 병신 새끼 [byeong-sin saek-ki], aka, motherfucker. Each and every time, Benji would tear up, and each and every time, Maverick smiled. 

His downfall would be relationships, however. In high school, he dated the head cheerleader of his class but she had a knack for flirting with everyone under the sun despite them being together. Maverick was pretty observant of that, and with him having a lower tolerance of bullshit, heartlessly dumped her at homecoming as he was coronated as homecoming king, and lost his virginity to her best friend. He never apologized, and this, branded him as the heartbreaker. Throughout the rest of high school he had crushes, he had flings, but nothing really stuck. On the upside, he was able to be friends with many of his ex-flings. 

It wasn’t until college when he entered his first serious relationship. They were both scared first years with completely opposite personalities. She was studious, a good girl, from a well-mannered family, the youngest of four. It was a slow burn relationship as they often studied together in the library, leading to wild make out sessions in his car. The thing is though, this good girl wanted more adventure from this hot bad boy, and although Maverick could do it and give her the world, it wasn’t enough for her. So when he caught her having sex with some heavily tatted guy at the party they both attended and watched her beg and plead to have him back, all she saw was a blank stare. There was no hurt in his eyes, no anger, no devastation, just, blankness as he pulled her arms off of her and said, “Fuck you, Anna.” That same night he wound up screwing some other girl, as if nothing bothered him and went about it as if it didn’t bother him. 

But he broke down the moment he went home for the holidays. He punched the wall so hard that his knuckles bled as he sank down to the floor with tears streaming down his face. The heartbreak strangled him and left him breathless, but he cleaned himself up, quietly tended to his wounded hand and went about his day, with a big smile on his face. 

Lexa knew she had created a monster right then and there and that, ate at her. All she wanted to do was to protect her siblings, the brightest rays of sunshine. Maverick argued that night that he was fine until she blockaded him in, and he fought his tears so hard until he crumbled again. 

“I just want to be as strong as you, Lex,” He admitted.

Lexa sighed. She wasn’t completely honest with her siblings about her own mental health and could only hug Maverick just a little tighter. 

So, then a few years passed. Now he’s in his senior year and the prettiest girl he promised he’d purposely annoy dished everything right on back and he was hooked. He’d chase her down, but then, between the fake phone number and later finding out that she was dating his best friend, Eric, Mav’s wall went back up. He spent the week hooking up with multiple people on a whim while his friends worried about the fact that he was still happy and moving through life like he didn’t just find out his crush had moved on. Even Gossip God was flabbergasted. 

It became easier to detach overtime but harder to attach. Nothing could hurt him to his face, but behind closed doors the ache was powerful. He didn’t want to be seen as the weak kid on the playground anymore, however, so to show others his vulnerability meant he truly cared about them. 

[lettucetacoboatsix]

Eating Ass: Yay! or nay

Anonymous asked:

It's me again: the kinky one. I want my partner to eat my ass. How do I tell him it's not gross?

Hello, my kinky friend!

Thanks for reaching out again! I am more than happy to respond to this message and provide an educational view on this topic, but I want to start with a brief conversation about consent. I am not saying you’ve done anything wrong, but there is a difference between educating someone and trying to convince someone to do something you want. If this is a hard limit for your partner, you must respect that. If your partner seems unsure and wants information and wants to make sure that their safety is guaranteed, please do what you can to make sure that they know they have every right to say no at any point. Be willing to hear “no” and understand that consent can only be given without any sort of coercion and ought to be given enthusiastically. It really is more fun that way. Bodies are weird and gross, and a lot of people consider this specific part of the body to be particularly taboo. Tabooty, if you will.

The technical term for “eating ass” is “analingus” (see also “rimming” and the colorfully named “tossing salad”).   Before anyone reading this says, “Ewwww! Gross!” I encourage you to keep an open mind. It absolutely may not be your thing, and that’s 100% okay. Then  again, if you’re comfortable with the idea and experimental, you might  find a new trick to add to your sexual repertoire. If the thought  makes you squirm in your seat, and not in a good way, then go ahead and click away—but if you’re even a little bit curious about bucal anal contact,   then stick around.  We’ll make that journey together. Can you imagine your current sex life  without any form of oral stimulation? Blowjobs are the subject of many  cringe-worthy 90s teen comedies. We have a song flooding our airwaves  right now that tells you to swipe your nose like a credit card. While we like to pretend that sexual liberation is a linear progression, that is far from the case. Oral sex of any kind used to be a “no-no” in polite society (especially from around the turn of the century until the 1960s), although it certainly still happened when that was the case. There was a time when it was   outlawed in most states, and it was considered a perversion. In fact, there are still sodomy laws on the books  in Florida, Georgia, Idaho,   Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi,   North Carolina, Oklahoma and South Carolina.  Some of these still include statutes regarding oral sex of any variety regardless of a participants genitalia or outward expression of gender. While it is rare that these laws are enforced, they still can be, especially for gay men. But if you go back far enough, like to Ancient Egypt, you might see that wearing lipstick was a sign that you were open to oral sex. Sexual practice is as varied as the human experience. It always has been.

Analingus is one of those sex acts that still remains in the  sexual dark ages, but it does seem to be coming back into the mainstream (see previously mentioned song about swiping your nose like a credit card). While we can probably credit “the gays” with this rimming Renaissance, the actual practice is documented in Middle English literature (see ”The Miller’s Tale” from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales) and while I can’t cite an example off the top of my head, I’m sure I could find a reference in Ancient Greek poetry or Roman graffiti. The point is it’s nothing new. People have been eating ass as long as it has felt good, and since our biology has remained relatively the same for 200,000 years or so, the cultural misgivings are far more recent. It’s time we brought that dark, forbidden kiss into the light (for those who  want to venture into that arena). While shame is necessary for the development of our internal moral compass, there should not be any  shame associated with any sexual act among any number of consenting adults—rimming included. Still, feeling some hesitation and even a little embarrassment about  rimming is normal, for that very reason—the anus is one  part of our body that we have internalized a great deal of shame about  in our culture. The prevailing cultural means to overcome that shame isn’t really fitting. Reading Everybody Poops to your partner is a very specific type of foreplay that will probably be counterproductive if you’re bringing this desire up for the first time.   It takes overcoming some of that to even entertain the  idea, let alone actually attempt it. You might want to try some other forms of anal play first—fingers or   toys—before you introduce the idea of anal oral contact. Since you’re asking, I’m guessing you have that experience, but your partner may not. Likewise, dear readers, if you’re actually curious about it, and not just reading this out of some morbid curiosity like someone slowing down at the scene of an accident,  you probably have already been involved in some sort of anal play. Sometimes people fall into this experience through a delightful  mishap—someone is going down on you, and—oops! The tongue slips down lower  than either of you expected, and you jump and moan and you both look  at each other like: “WTF! What was that?!” Things happen in the dark. If it feels good, and you’re partner’s okay with it, then make your inner Bob Ross proud with your happy accident. I want to reiterate here, If you’re interested in it, but your partner isn’t, let it go. One sex  act shouldn’t ever come between you, and who can enjoy something if they  know the other person isn’t enjoying themselves, too? But if you’re  both curious and interested, just not sure how to proceed, then talk  about it. Who wants to give? Who wants to receive? Sometimes it’s both  of you, sometimes it’s just one of you. Make sure to tell your partner why you enjoy it and what you get from the experience. If there are concerns about   hygiene, then read on, because I’m about to assuage them. The biggest fear with oral/anal contact is fecal matter and bacteria. That’s certainly understandable. A lot of people won’t put food that’s fallen on the floor in their mouths, so it makes sense. If you can get  past the psychological aspect of it, though, the reality is that with proper hygiene, there is very little danger of coming in contact with any sort of fecal matter.  A bit of a biology lesson: fecal matter is actually store above the rectum in the colon. It only moves into the rectum and out through the sphincter when you are defecating, or when you are ready to. There are only trace amounts that remain in the rectum or on the anus,  which can easily be washed away, and if you are looking for actual oral penetration of the anus, not even Gene Simmons’s tongue could make it to the colon. If you are really concerned, there are also things like enemas or anal douching that can help give that extra feeling of cleanliness, but do not overdo it. If you do choose to go this route, use clean water at a safe temperature. Over-douching can lead to a tear in the rectal lining. Infection is the real concern, here—the possibility of introducing bacteria  into our digestive tract from oral-anal contact. The dangerous bacteria  are e. coli, salmonella, intestinal parasites like giardia, and of  course viruses like Herpes and HIV. The good news is you can seriously minimize your risks. If  you are practicing safer sex and you know that  neither of you is HIV positive, has any STIs, and are free of parasites,   careful washing should be sufficient. You can shower together, which is always fun foreplay, anyway. One  technique I’ve learned is to fill the tub halfway, squat down, and engage in some manual stimulation. If you do feel like it’s necessary to use soap, use a mild soap like Dove. You don’t want to upset your microbiome. Press the pad of your finger gently against the tissue of the finger and move in gentle circular motions until you feel it begin to relax and welcome penetration. Turn your finger around a few  times, so the water washes away any residue in and around the  area. If you or your partner are still hesitant, you can use a dental dam (think of it like a condom for the mouth). You can  also approximate one of these using unlubricated condoms (don’t use any  lubricated ones or any with spermicide!) Now, on to the fun part—actually doing the thing. It helps to get relaxed. A  sensual massage from the giver to the receiver can only be helpful.  Whatever you can do to relax each other, do it. Find a position that is comfortable and allows access to the area in question. Popular positions include being on all fours, or standing and leaning over the bed/counter/arm of the couch for two reasons: it provides maximum exposure but still  allows for genital play, and it is the most vulnerable.  One of the turn-ons of rimming can be the surrender in it. You are  opening up parts of yourself to a lover that are generally not touched—not  only that, they have been culturally shunned and rejected. Many of our  associations with the anus are negative: that it is a “bad” part of the body. This is a way to give yourself wholly  and completely to your partner, and for your partner to accept you that  way as well. These positions also allow the receiver to hide their face in a  pillow at first to deal with any shame that comes up.

With any new sexual experience, I would encourage a session of after care. Check in with your partner. Tell them what feels good both in the moment, and afterward. Ask your partner how they are feeling now that they have shared that experience with you. Show them your appreciation through words of affirmation or gentle physical contact.

So, yeah, in general our meat suits are a little gross, but this is no more gross or shameful than anything else you can do with your body, but there are appropriate ways to have that conversation with your partner and maybe share a new experience together.

I hope this helps, friend!

[viovivii]

Why having a strong dad is IMPORTANT. Every girl needs a strong daddy in their life ❤️ good book. p.s DONT FUCKING BE A DEAD BEAT

this was a good read:

Chapter 1 – You Are the Most Important Man in Her Life

I’ve said this before, but scary. I am also the most important man in my wife’s life, but she was able to make a conscious decision to choose me. Not my girls, they are simply stuck with me!

Meg states that in her practice she has seen many young girls doing terribly unhealthy things to see if their fathers will notice. Young girls crave a father’s attention and love.

Dad’s don’t need to change who they are to be great dads. They need to invest in the relationship and understand what the world is telling your daughters through TV, the internet and their friends. Your job is to protect them from the ugliness that is out there and they naturally look to you to do that.

Next, Meg shares some scary statistics. Here are a few:

What is taught in sex ed. It is ridiculous. Make sure you understand what your school teaches.

One in five Americans over age twelve tests positive for genital herpes.

9% of girls fourteen to seventeen years old experience unwanted sex, primarily because they fear their boyfriends will get angry.

5% of high school girls have had sad, hopeless feelings for longer than 2 weeks. Many physicians call this clinical depression.

6% of Caucasian, 20.7% of Hispanic and 12.4% of African American females have made suicide plans in the last year.

8% of high school students drank alcohol before the age of thirteen.

7% of high school students have used some form of cocaine.

Kids spend 6.5 hours per day watching media of some form.

Kids with TVs in their bedrooms watch 1.5 hours more TV than kids who do not have TVs in their bedrooms. I’m sure this stat would hold true for smartphones.

Meg goes on to cite numerous statistics about how families can win the war against media through strong relationships with their kids. We can win this fight!

Chapter 2 – She Needs a Hero

Despite whatever outward impression she gives, your daughter’ life is centered on discovering what you like about her and what you want from her. She cannot feel good about herself until she knows you feel good about her. She does not want to see you as her equal. She wants you to be her hero. Someone stronger, steadier and smarter than she is.

The only way you will alienate your daughter is by losing her respect by failing to lead or failing to protect her. If you fail to meet her needs, she will find someone who will. That is where all the trouble can begin.

One of the best things you can do as a father is to raise your daughters’ expectations about life. Let her know that she is God’s masterpiece and that she will do great things in this life.

Deep down, we all want authority and rules in our life. We may instinctively want to buck authority, but when our world starts to fall apart, we run to the person who is that authority in our life.

Meg also suggests putting your expectations for your children in writing, now – while they are young. Teenagers are excellent at tangling your thinking. Write down your rules now. Laminate them, carve then into stone

Chapter 3 – You are Her First Love

You are her first love. You have other loves in your life, but she does not. Every man who enters into her life will be compared to you. If you have a good relationship with her and her mom, she will choose boyfriends who will treat her well.

Always be positive. Admire her deep, intrinsic qualities. Always keep the bar high. She will live up to the standards you set.

As she grows older, don’t assume she is capable of making good decisions. Protect her so she is in a safe place to make poor decisions – kids always will make bad decisions. It is how they learn. Enforce curfew. Girls with a curfew know that someone cares and is waiting up for them at home.

Pay attention. Listen closely. It takes time and patience, but it will build bonds that will last a lifetime. Start daddy-daughter times when they are young and stick with it. Teenagers need you more than at any other time in their life.

If you stay with her, look at her and keep listening to her she will always come back for more. She will feel more attractive and rightfully assume that boys that don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you are smarter and wiser than they are). This is a very good thing.

Chapter 4 – Teach Her Humility

“Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, it is thinking of ourselves less.” – C.S. Lewis

“It is not about you.” – the first sentence of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

Humility is hard and it must be modeled. It is the starting point for every other virtue. Humility means having a proper perspective on ourselves, of seeing ourselves as we really are. It also means knowing that every person has equal worth.

Take pride in her accomplishments, but don’t go overboard. Always recognize the accomplishments of her peers as well.

Make sure that she knows that her accomplishments do not define her. Her maker already did that. Trying to define ourselves with accomplishments and stuff is a never ending trap. Give her a firm foundation of who she is in God and it will serve her well forever.

Don’t let the world revolve around her.

Chapter 5 – Protect Her, Defend Her (and use a shotgun if necessary)

Let her know that she is beautiful.

Hug her. It is that important to her. Tell her you love her and how precious she is.

Every boy that dates your daughter needs to know he is responsible to you.

Be aware of the mixed messages she will receive about sex from school. Make sure that your message is the final word on the subject.

She might hate you for this in the short term, but she will thank you for protecting her and she will tell you that sooner than you might expect.

Chapter 6 – Pragmatism and Grit: Two of Your Greatest Assets

It’s OK.

Men are pragmatists. They look for solutions – often when our wives and daughters only want to be heard. Don’t negate listening, but your family needs your pragmatism, your realism, your solutions.

Daughters can become only one of two types of women; princesses or pioneer women. Praise the Lord he brought me a pioneer woman to marry. That gives our girls a much greater chance at becoming pioneers themselves.

Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneers know that their hard work is how they achieve improvement in their lives. They are in charge of their own happiness.

You must teach your daughter to be a pioneer. The other option is not good and can lead to a host of bad decisions later – like marrying for money and stability.

Grit – Your family needs and deserves your best. As men, we often use up the best of us at work and have little left for home. That is not acceptable. We must get our heads right and game faces on for the job (the most important job) that waits for us when we walk in the door to our homes.

Divorce – It is the central problem that has created a generation of young adults who are at higher risk for chaotic relationships, sexually transmitted diseases and confusion about life’s purpose.

Don’t get confused and believe that going to church will keep your family together. Turns out the divorce rate in the church is about equal to that of the non-church going world. You must live out your faith at home and fight to keep your family together.

When your life nears its end your family will be your greatest accomplishment, not any businesses or buildings you may have built.

Chapter 7 – Be the Man You Want Her to Marry

Think about the standards you’d like your daughter’s future husband to meet. Pretty high, right? Do you live up to those same high standards?

It’s tough medicine to swallow, but we likely have higher standards for our daughter’s future husbands than we maintain for ourselves as husbands to their mothers. We’ve got a ton of great excuses. Work is so hard, I have so little time for me, blah, blah…

Are you always patient and kind? Are you an encourager? One day you will be walking her down the aisle to marry a man that will be very much like you. It is the way women are made. They are drawn to what they know.

Show your daughter that your relationship with your family is more important than possessions and expensive vacations. Make the family your priority.

It is a great strength to live knowing that if you lost every material possession, you would still have a life worth living!

Let her know that you will disappoint her. You’ll try very hard not to, but you will. You are human.

Chapter 9 – Teach Her to Fight

Women are emotional. This is truer for teenagers. They have emotions and impulses that must be kept in check or bad decisions will be made. As the Dad, you can help her make good decisions and make bad decisions safely through your direction and authority.

You understand how to battle impulses. You’ve won some battles and probably lost plenty. Your daughter does not know how to battle her impulses yet. That is why she needs you to make her life a safe place to learn these hard lessons.

Choose your battles carefully. Never budge on honesty, integrity, courage and humility. You can let a lot of the other stuff go.

Your daughter’s brain and her capacity for rational thought will not be fully developed until her late teens or early twenties. This is when she needs you most. Don’t get her to 16 years old and assume she is fully qualified to make great decisions.

Chapter 10 – Keep Her Connected

You, Dad, are the most important person in your daughter’s life. Keeping your family together and spending time together as a family is what will help your children avoid the traps in life (sex, drugs, alcohol, gangs). It has been proven time after time. Families that stay together have more successful kids.

Give your kids experiences. Hang out with them, have fun and be a great example. Get away from all the screens, get outdoors, have adventures, have conversations.

Hopefully, this book will help. Maybe this quick summary will encourage more dads to read the actual book (you really must – it is that good).

To all you Dads, fight the good fight.

[asking-jude]

I don’t know what to do I’m so suicidal. I found out the guy I was fooling around with that I trusted I cared for & knew for years gave me herpes. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. Some days I wake up thinking “maybe today’s the day I’ll end it”. I feel like no one will ever love me. My doctor said having this STD isn’t a big deal. But I can’t accept it. I waited until I was 22 years old to finally have sex and now I’m ruined. Idk anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself

Hello, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I cannot imagine how painful this is to you, but I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. Despite being so common, STDs still feel shameful. The vast majority of people with STDs go on to lead normal lives and have healthy relationships. Moreover, know that there are so many people out there who have an STD and don't even know it. Here are some articles on STDs that I think would be beneficial to you: https://stylecaster.com/advice-on-coping-with-stds/ https://rewire.news/article/2011/04/25/unpacking-full-stigma/ https://www.bustle.com/articles/173402-8-reasons-not-to-feel-ashamed-about-having-herpes https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/22/463845334/a-common-secret-struggling-with-the-stigma-of-herpes Here are some articles on how to cope with the regret you feel surrounding sex: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201808/5-tips-coping-regret https://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-regret-8-ways-to-benefit-and-move-forward/ You may find it helpful to join a STD support group. These groups provide a safe space to share your worries and anxieties with people going through similar challenges. There are many online options that protect your anonymity. I highly recommend you look through these links to find a support group right for you: http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/stdsstis/herpes/support-groups/ https://www.stdaware.com/std-resource-center#std-support-groups I'm not qualified to give you any sort of diagnosis, but it sounds like you are experiencing severe depression. If you are not already, I highly suggest that you see a therapist. A therapist can help you keep these depressive symptoms and self-destructive impulses at bay, as well as suggest techniques and ideas to help you cope. The following are some links to potential therapists near you: https://thervo.com/therapists https://www.goodtherapy.org https://members.adaa.org/page/FATMain If these depressive and suicidal feelings escalate even more, you should reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255 or the Crisis Text by texting HOME to 741741 (in the U.S.). These are 24/7 services for individuals who need someone to listen and support them through whatever they need, whether that be difficult times or suicidal thoughts. Take things one step at a time, one day at a time, and be patient with yourself. It is so important to make an effort to get proper sleep, nutritious diet, and sufficient physical activity. These things can greatly impact your mental health. No matter what, remember to love yourself. Engage in acts of self-care - connect with your friends/family, get involved with a new hobby - whatever makes you happy! Here are further tips on how to care for yourself when you're feeling depressed: https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/self-care-for-depression#1 https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/depression-and-self-care-how-to-look-after-yourself https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm It may be hard to believe right now, but what you are feeling will change. You are so brave and strong for reaching out for help, and I have faith in you and your ability to overcome this. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I am positive that you will find someone trustworthy who loves you for who you are. Stay strong and keep fighting. I wish you all the best.

Much love, Siriveena

Asking Jude needs YOUR help! Donate pocket change here and save our safe space.

[sweetheartjeongguk]

pretty kitty (m)

pairing: taehyung x reader

genre: hybrid au, camgirl au, smut, fluff with mild angst (in the future)

rating: nc-17

warning(s): (probably inaccurate) portrayal of cam porn, mention of impregnation and daddy kinks, squirting (lol)

word count: 3.3k+

summary: never in his life would taehyung have expected the shy girl from his history class to be the sex kitten on his computer screen. 

the discovery | the denial | the meeting | the aftermath | the payback

masterlist

It happens when Taehyung is browsing the Internet for some porn - something not unlike Taehyung to do on a boring Saturday evening. His friends are out of town for the night for a concert, and Taehyung had been stuck covering two shifts at the restaurant where he applied to with Jungkook. Since Jungkook is one of the individuals who ditched work to go to the concert, Taehyung ended up being stuck with their gross co-worker who chews his food too loudly and has no shame in discussing his “herpes appointment” for the entire restaurant to hear. Taehyung still doesn’t understand how he hasn’t been fired yet.

Taehyung pointedly ignores the influx of messages that flood his social media. As a tiger hybrid, he is viewed as a prized possession at his college filled with both predator and prey hybrids. Some openly worship the ground he walks on while others cower in fear and rush out of the classroom before he could reach them. While attending one of the biggest hybrid colleges in the entire country has given him some of the greatest friends he could ever dream of having, it did attract not-so-nice people who either wanted to be friends in hopes of becoming popular or having him as their next heat partner.

Needless to say, Taehyung is in desperate need of a distraction from the chaos the day had brought him.

Taehyung sighs as he clicks ‘Next’, completely unimpressed with the boring selections the site recommends. On any other day, he would have been desperate to whack one off to one of them, but today just isn’t the day.

Before he could finally give up, Taehyung stops to recall one of the sites that Jimin had recommended a couple of weeks ago. They had been drunk and ranting together about different things, and one of the topics chosen was porn. Shoving the laptop off his lap, Taehyung grabs his phone, ignoring the thirst texts from Sana from English class, to text his best friend.

hey, what was the site you gave me a couple weeks ago?

It isn’t even a minute later when Jimin replies.

oooo, kim taehyung, are you doing what i think you’re going to do? ;)

Taehyung rolls his eyes, practically seeing his best friend’s greasy smile on his face.

what is it...please? :D

He grimaces at the stupid emoji, but he knows that it’s the only way to get Jimin to tell him what he wants.

*sighs* fine, here you go. enjoy ;))))

Taehyung scoffs but silently thanks Jimin as he copies the link in the text message into the search bar on his laptop. He prays that he hasn’t been given a link to a sketchy website - he isn’t ready to deal with the embarrassment as to why his laptop gained a million viruses in one night (again).

When the website finally loads, Taehyung can’t help but raise an eyebrow. Dozens of thumbnails pop up of different girls all of different hybrid species, most being bunny hybrids – a hot commodity among the hybrid porn industry – with a few feline and canine hybrids here and there. All were positioned in front of the camera in their most provocative poses, tongue seductively poking through and fingers dancing along the inside of their transparent panties.

Taehyung has never dabbled in camgirls before, but maybe tonight will decide whether he likes it or not.

Taehyung scrolls down the list, trying to pick the first one that catches his eye. Nothing seems to pop out at him – the concepts of each video pretty much the same throughout the page. He merely blinks stoically at the tempting shots of bare breasts and seductive lip bites.

‘Maybe I should just give up for tonight’ Taehyung grumbles to himself as his gaze shoots down to his dick which lays embarrassingly soft inside his sweatpants.

At the end of the third page, right when Taehyung is about to call it a night, one video catches his eye.

It is a pretty short video compared to the other videos – only 11 minutes in length – but it has garnered a fair amount of views. He couldn’t see a clear shot of the girl’s face, but she must be good if she’s had over 6,000 views and it was only uploaded a day ago?

“prettykitty?” Taehyung mumbles to himself.

Without another word, Taehyung clicks on the video and sits back against the headboard of his bed, mentally and physically preparing himself. As the video loads, he scrolls through the old messages saved in the chatroom from the day before.

daddyjeon – damn baby, you look so pretty when you cum

ygym12 – yeah baby, keep touching yourself but you better not cum yet

jxxhyun – fuck, i luv how wet u get. if u need another person in ur videos, send me a message xoxo

On and on, Taehyung scrolls through and sees the same type of messages – ones that basically groan and whine at how hot you are and how wet you are for them. He’s a little weirded out at how these people act as if you are genuinely wet for them and not for the impeding money flow going into your bank account after the stream ends.

Clicking play, he is first greeted with your breasts which is wrapped in one of the cutest pastel pink lingerie sets he’s ever seen in his life. The bra is practically see-through, a little tease of your nipple showing here and there as you shift across the screen. As you lay on your side, Taehyung catches a peek at the curve of your ass which is accentuated greatly by the matching lace panties. He even catches sight of your black tail lazily swishing from side to side.

Hybrids don’t usually show off their ears or tails in person (unless they’re in heat or they concentrate enough to make them appear), so Taehyung assumes that you show them off during your shows as a little treat to your viewers – giving off the illusion that you’re in heat for them.

“Hey guys, long time no see.” You giggle innocently to the camera.

Taehyung swallows the lump that lodges itself in his throat. You sound so adorable and yet the view in front of him is one of the sexiest things he’s ever seen in his life.

“Sorry, baby, I had school earlier,” you pout as you read one of the comments. “I would have gotten to you sooner, but my professor was killing me.”

‘Cute, she’s a college student.’ Taehyung thinks to himself. ‘I wonder if I know her.’

He tosses this thought aside – even if you did go to his school, he doubts that he’ll ever figure out who you are. Not that he cared in the first place, of course.

“What should I take off first, hmm?” You hum, teasing your audience with a little slip of your bra strap.

There is a tiny pause as you read through the comments, but it seems that one comment catches your eye.

“Hmm, someone said my panties…Isn’t that a little too easy, though?” You laugh. “I want to keep teasing you, baby. I can’t have you coming just yet.”

Taehyung gulps again – his dick is already hardening, and you haven’t even been doing anything. He hesitates to place a hand over top, but for some reason, he keeps his hands at his sides.

“Are you touching yourself yet?” You whisper, fingers tracing around your nipple which slowly pebbles underneath the sheer fabric. “God, you look so fucking sexy with your hand on your cock.”

This entices Taehyung to finally slip his hand underneath the sweatpants, kneading slowly. He wants to work himself up until the end, not wanting to come when you haven’t yet. For some reason, you have him under your spell, and Taehyung wouldn’t hesitate to follow your every word.

‘What the fuck is wrong with you, Kim?’

“God, I’m so wet for you.” You continue to caress the swell of your breasts in an agonizing pace. “I bet you wish you could fuck my little wet pussy, huh?”

Upon reading a comment in the chatroom, your hand trails down your stomach to slip inside your panties, teasing at the little bud above your sleek entrance. Taehyung desperately wishes that you would take them off, but you continue to leave the vision to his own imagination.

“F-fuck, that feels so good, Daddy.”

The wet squelching of your pussy as you push one finger inside becomes apparent to the microphone. By the sound of the “ka-ching” alerts on your computer and your breathy laughs, your viewers love it. Shifting slightly, Taehyung can now see your lips, reddened by your constant biting and licking.

Taehyung forces himself to hold back on his strokes. He couldn’t come just yet. You haven’t even gotten to the good part yet, and Taehyung is already reminded of when he was a virgin that came in less than 10 seconds at even the slightest image of perky tits.

“You want to see the toy one of my daddies bought me?” A sharp canine pops out of the side of your grin. “I’ve only used it once, but it feels so good that I want to try it on camera for you.”

The tipping doesn’t subside, even when you move offscreen to grab the toy from what Taehyung assumes is in a box somewhere. When you reappear, you’re holding a long, sparkly pink rabbit vibrator, humming adorably as you show off the gift to your viewers who all probably comment on how cute you are and how ready they are for you to fuck yourself on it.  

“All thanks to Mr. Kim for buying this for me,” You coo into the microphone. “I’ll make sure to come all over it for you, Daddy.”

Taehyung doesn’t know why he imagines that you’re talking about him. He doesn’t know why his cock fills out more at the idea of you talking to just him, telling him that she is all wet and ready for him – ready for him to breed her and fill her up with his kittens.

‘Focus, Taehyung, focus.’

When he finally opens his eyes after taking a breather, he chokes on the sight of you removing your panties and spreading your legs wide to show the camera. He groans in excitement at the clear string of wetness that clings to your panties – oh, how he longs to have a tiny taste of your sweetness. He muffles a growl inside his chest, his tiger counterpart ready to jump out and take what he thinks is his.

Thankfully, Taehyung prides himself on what little control he has left of himself. As you position the toy at your hole, all sleek and wet for the taking, Taehyung starts to speed up his movements over his cock.

“O-oh, Daddy,” Your voice cracks from pleasure as you slowly thrust the vibrator inside, pressing the rabbit piece against your throbbing clit. “You f-fuck me so well, I w-want to come so badly.”

Taehyung has the urge to talk to you and tell you not to come – that you’re only allowed to come when he’s done filling your pretty little pussy up. The sad realization that will never happens briefly visits Taehyung, a sharp pain in his chest – but he reminds himself that it’s his tiger talking and that after he comes, his common sense will come back. On the other hand, Taehyung craves the feeling so much that he wouldn’t even be mad if the lust for you doesn’t disappear even after he clicks out of the webpage and closes his eyes to sleep.

You hold strong in the beginning of your slow but deep ministrations, but it’s apparent that you’re ready to come when you switch on the vibrating setting. You mewl loudly at the sudden sensation, sounding more like a cat than ever. Your pussy seems to get wetter with each thrust, and Taehyung salivates at the sight of your wetness dripping over the toy and staining the sheets beneath you.

“D-Daddy, I can’t t-take it anymore.” You cry out as you grind against the length stuffed inside. “L-let me c-come, please.”

Even over the loud dinging of the tips and the vibrations, all Taehyung could comprehend are your desperate whimpers for release and the visual of your pussy being fucked by the pink vibrator. For a moment, he imagines the two of you in the same room – you underneath him, begging for him to fuck you until you can’t take it anymore and to fill your pussy deep with his hot come. Sweat drips down from his face as he fucks up into his hand, biting down on his lip to avoid moaning too loudly and alerting the neighbors of his not-so innocent activities.

“Oh my god, oh my god.” The moment builds up until it’s broken by your loud cries and the sudden wetness that drenches your bedsheets.

Taehyung finally comes all over his fingers, his release dripping down to stain his sweatpants. He continues to pump his length until he feels the sharp pain of overstimulation. His eyes never strays away from your form – you are now laying down and resting your head against your pillow, your breath hot and heavy.  

“Oh man, that shit’s good.” You laugh heartily, prompting a genuine laugh from Taehyung as well.

From some reason, your voice is starting to sound a little familiar to him. He feels like he’s heard it somewhere before, but he is quick to mark it off as a coincidence.

That is until you lift your head to grin tiredly at the camera.

Taehyung coughs violently as he nearly chokes on air at the sight of your face – your familiar face. The face that he most definitely remembers from his history class. And his English class.

More importantly, from his childhood as the shy girl that cried on the playground on the first day of school.  

‘What the fuck?!’

“Thanks again, you guys. We beat our tipping record! Woohoo!” You throw up two thumbs up, scrunching up your nose and wiggling your body in an excited manner. “Until next time!”

You send a kiss to the camera, your fluffy ears twitching curiously as you lean forward to turn off the stream.

The screen goes blank, reflecting Taehyung’s shocked face back at himself. Taehyung sits there robotically, hand still on his soft dick and jaw practically unhinged.

“What the fuck!”  

“So, how’d your dick appointment with yourself go?” Jimin smirks.

All eyes go to Taehyung who sits there emotionlessly. Jungkook goes to poke him in the cheek, ignoring the growing snarl sounding from Taehyung’s chest.

“Hyung, I think he’s broken.” The youngest snorts. “What site did you show him anyway?”

“The one you introduced me to.” Jimin takes a sip from his coffee cup. “I didn’t think it was that hardcore. It’s just chicks fucking themselves onscreen.”

“You know Taehyung, he’s into all that lovey-dovey couples having ‘intimate relations with each other’ shit.” Yoongi jokes sarcastically, dodging the palm sliding across the table.

“Shut up, hyung.” Taehyung grumbles. “I’m fine.”

“Okay then, why haven’t you been eating your food for the past 10 minutes?” Jimin points at the barely touched chocolate croissant resting on the porcelain plate in front of his best friend.

“I’m just not hungry, I guess.” Taehyung sighs, pushing the plate away and taking a sip from his strawberry juice instead.

“That’s a new one,” Jungkook says in slight concern. “You always eat that every time we come here.”

“Just let him be, you guys.” Namjoon chimes in, not looking up from his cell phone. “He’s probably just having a bad day.”

The whole table hums in agreement and resorts to their own eating. Jungkook continues munching on the assortment of fruits on his plate – being a bunny hybrid calls for a strictly vegetarian diet – while the rest happily chowed down on plates of meat and fish.

Jungkook is the only prey hybrid at the table – Jimin and Seokjin being dog hybrids, Namjoon and Hoseok both wolf hybrids, and Yoongi a panther hybrid. Surprisingly, despite the difference in species, Jungkook fit into their group well and only ever freaked out whenever there were slight scuffles between members and the fangs were brought out.

“Oh, look, Kookie, there’s Ji-Eun…” Hoseok nudges the youngest in the side with his elbow.

“Hyung…” Jungkook covers his blushing face with two sweater paws. “You said you were going to stop making fun of me.”

“I thought you knew me better than that, Kook.” Hoseok grins evilly.

Jungkook replies with a despondent sigh.

“Who’s her friend?” Namjoon asks as he watches the group of three – Ji-Eun, Seulgi, and another girl – walk up to the cash register to order.

“Hmm…I’m not sure. She might be new?” Seokjin answers, cheeks full of meat and rice.

Everyone watches in disgust as he swallows the giant wad of food only to shovel another pile back into his mouth. How he fits all that food in his mouth without choking – the world may never know.

“Anyways…” Yoongi trails off as he wills himself to ignore the sloppy chewing sounds assaulting his left ear. “I think her name is Y/N or something. She’s been here since sophomore year.”

Everyone’s attention suddenly jerks back to Taehyung as he spews his strawberry juice all over the table. Even customers from other tables glance in distaste at the boy before turning back to their own conversations. Thankfully, the trio at the cash register don’t notice Taehyung’s embarrassing blunder.

“Jesus, Tae, what the fuck? I just upgraded my phone.” Jimin wipes away at the juice sticking to the table and to a good portion of his phone screen. “What was that about?”

Taehyung unknowingly glances at the cash register, his eyes briefly scanning over your face, before turning back to Jimin.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Unfortunately for Taehyung, Jimin could read him like a book and immediately shifts in his seat to stare in the direction of the three girls. Upon turning back, Taehyung is greeted with his dumb, shit-eating grin.

“Oooo, Taehyung has a little crush!”

“Ooh, on who?

“Hyung, you like Ji-Eun too?”

“I never knew you liked Seulgi?”

“No, I don’t like Ji-Eun or Seulgi or…” Taehyung mumbles, unable to finish his sentence.

“Oh, I see.” Hoseok holds in a cackle. “You’re into that other girl, huh?”

“No.” Taehyung answers firmly, ripping off a piece of his croissant and sending a scatter of crumbs across the table.

“Hmm, we have a liar on our hands.” Jimin chortles alongside Hoseok, the two evils silently plotting their scheme.

“So, if I go ask her out right now, you wouldn’t mind?” Hoseok asks innocently.

“You don’t even know her name.” Taehyung hisses.

Hoseok raises an eyebrow. “So you do have a problem with me asking her out?”

“Nope.” It takes everything within Taehyung not to growl. “I don’t care.”

“Okay then…” Hoseok sends Taehyung a kind smile (Taehyung holds back an eye roll) before pushing himself off his chair and heading over towards the cash register.

“Oh shit.”

All laugh except Taehyung who consciously suppresses his burning jealousy as he watches Hoseok taps you on the shoulder. As you turn to face him, your eyes instantly widen at Hoseok’s dominating presence. Even before Hoseok can utter another word, you stutter out a quick response before linking arms with Seulgi and shuffling out of the entrance of the coffee shop with the other two girls who shake their heads, uttering unheard words of encouragement to their shy friend.

“What was that about?” Seokjin raises an eyebrow as Hoseok struts back to the table.

Hoseok shrugs. “I don’t know, I just said hi and she acted as if I murdered her entire family.”

“She’s just shy,” Namjoon surmises. “I think I had art with her last semester, and she was always really quiet.  I just didn’t know she was that shy.”

“So, how did you know her, Taehyung?”

Jimin is greeted with an empty chair and half-eaten croissant.

[artificialqueens]

What Happens At Dragcon... (2-4/?) (Biadore) - Miss Alyssa Secret

Yesterday’s one-shot continues with Roy’s adventures on the DragCon floor leading up to Adore’s performance. Except, Roy has to make it out of the dressing room first (without running into Trixie and Katya).  Raja works  her magic, we meet some shippers, and Adore plays dirty.  Also?  Danny likes to take photos during sex…

Chapter One

Read full work on AO3

A/N: Continued by popular demand!  There will be at least two more chapters after this, possibly more.  Tongue in cheek references completely intended. - MAS

********

Chapter Two

“There.”

Roy set down the brushes and leaned back in satisfaction, nodding decisively.  It had taken the better part of the remaining seven minutes to repair the damage done to Adore’s makeup, particularly the lipstick smeared from nose to chin and his thumbprints in the foundation lining her jaw.  He probably could have fixed it in half the time, but her stolen kisses and wandering hands were making it exceedingly difficult to concentrate.  Those same hands gripped his waist when he went to stand, keeping him firmly seated straddling her lap.  

“..‘Dore…” he murmured, tucking a stray bobby pin back under her wig, “You need to get back out there.”

She stubbornly ignored his attempts to catch her attention, fondling his semi-hard dick and sucking the leaking wetness off of her fingers.  He could feel her erection rubbing against the underside of his balls as she rocked in the chair, and it was a struggle not to give in.  

“Hey.“  Roy gently gripped her wrists, lacing their fingers together between their chests.  “I don’t want to either, but, yeah.”

Danny stared back from behind Adore’s makeup, longing and frustration written across her face. 

“Fuck.  I know.”

“It’s just a few more hours,” he soothed, kissing the knuckles of both hands before pushing himself to his feet.  This time, she let him stand, pulling her up as well.  The stiff gold fabric of her pants would hide the evidence, but he was going to need a few more minutes before he could re-button the shorts.

“Go on, I need to fix this.”

She caught his shoulders as he went to turn back to the makeup cases.  

“Nah, you just look like me after making out with fans.“  Her grin was lopsided, tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth.  "Leave it, yeah?”

“Only for you.” He rolled his eyes dramatically but couldn’t hide the affectionate smile.

They both froze as footsteps passed too close by for comfort, and Roy nudged her gently towards the curtain.

“Runway."  Adore pressed their mouths together one last time, lips still sticky with his pre-come.  "Don’t be late."  

********

Chapter Three

Sneaking back out of the dressing room was exponentially more complicated than sneaking in.  They’d fortuitously picked a time when most of the queens were at their booths or out on the floor, but now they were starting to stream back in for touch ups and costume adjustments.

Roy peeked through the sliver of space between the curtain and divider, mentally tabulating the number of times the door opened and footsteps passed in or out.  A few feet away, Katya was doing what sounded like gymnastics against the other side of the partition while Trixie took a call from what was probably her boyfriend.  

He needed to slip out of there before someone else came looking for Adore and found him there instead.  That would likely result in one of two things; either whomever it was would completely blow his cover, or worse, they wouldn’t recognize him at all and call for security or start whispering about Adore’s supposed behavior.  They might not have a neatly categorized relationship, but it was an open secret that any perceived deviation from would spread like herpes through the drag network.

Twisting the tattered T-shirt hem between his fingers, Roy was close to taking his chances with a dash for the door when the curtain snapped open in front of him.  

“Be right there!” Raja sounded completely nonchalant, waving Katya back around the corner.  Before he could say anything, Raja crowded him back into the small space, shutting the curtain again behind her.

“We’re heading back out.”  Trixie sounded like she was right outside, and he shrank back, ready to dive behind Adore’s oversized suitcase.  He’d always gotten on well with the life-sized Barbie and her faux-Russian shadow, but Roy really wanted to keep his visit for Danny only.  Well, as much as possible, given the exception fixing him with a bemused look.

“Adore asked me to get her phone charger,” Raja called back, “meet you guys on the floor after I get it, I don’t know how she finds anything in this mess.”

”Probably Bianca has labeled spares of everything.”  Trixie’s voice was laced with dry humor.  “C’mon Kat, Raja can catch up.”

As the door banged shut behind them, Raja pointed a long, elegant finger at his chest.

“I’m surprised, you know.  So unexpected, Adore must be rubbing off on you.”  She paused, the double entendre registering.  “Well, clearly, but really, I thought she was just going to pine away on social media.”

”Ummm…”  Raja was barely a year older, but in moments like this Roy felt unimaginably close to saying ‘sorry Mom.’

”Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”  The hand attached to the finger waved ephemerally.  “Just wasn’t expecting you to be living so dangerously.”  Her enigmatic smile softened the words, clearly meant as a tease.

”Thanks.”  

She tilted her head to the side, the tiny gold charms on her headpiece chiming quietly. A frown creased her forehead, and she seemed to be studying his face.  

”What?”

Raja dug into the open cases on the vanity, coming up with cream foundation and a contour shade.  Gripping his chin gently, she spun a brush between her fingers before doing…something to his face with deft strokes.  

“Much better.”

Roy was justifiably confident in his makeup skills, but being scrutinized by a legend like Raja was enough to make anyone nervous.

She turned him to face the mirror, and he did a double take.  Somehow, she’d altered the contour he’d drawn in to soften the sharpness of his jaw, nearly erasing the creases bracketing his mouth and making the bridge of his nose appear lower.  Without the dimples and aquiline nose, hiding the two most distinctive Bianca features meant that his chances of being recognized on sight alone were now vanishingly low.

”How?  I’ve never been able to…?”

”I can show you later.  It’s about the angle you’re painting from.”

He’d always had a healthy respect for Raja’s ability to paint others, but this was a firsthand demonstration of why Sutan had a successful career long before he ever set foot on RuPaul’s runway.

“Actually, Adore really did ask me to get her charger.  I don’t suppose you know where she keeps it?”

Without looking away, Roy reached for the Misfits backpack slung on the back of the chair, unzipping the outer pocket and handing the bundle of cord over.

Still smiling serenely, Raja leaned forward to kiss his cheek.  “Perfect.  I’ll make sure the coast is clear, then let’s get you out of here.”

********

Chapter Four

Roy prowled the convention floor, reveling in the anonymity of being buffeted by the crowds.  He thought back to the nearly two decades before Drag Race where his face was unrecognizable on Bourbon Street or at the Ritz, just another gay boy until he put on Bianca for the evening.  

The sense of nostalgia was short-lived though, as he nearly walked right into a mixed group of teenagers stationed outside one of the bathrooms.  They were oblivious, engrossed in whatever had them hunched together over their phones.  He was about to nudge his way past to get into the restroom when what they were saying caught his attention.

”…look, I’m not saying it means anything, but you can totally see how she’s liking Bianca’s posts!”  That was a skinny girl wearing an Adore tank top and flannel tied around her waist.

The boy on her left wielded his own phone like a holy text, waving it in front of her face.  “Yeah sure, but Bianca keeps calling different people ‘my good time gal’ and saying she loves them.  It’s not significant, obviously.”

Roy casually leaned on the wall a few feet away, back mostly turned as he pretended to fiddle with his own phone.

”But what about all of the ABCD tour photos?  The ones where they’re holding hands and the way they look at each other and all of the touching?”

”Well…”

”And Adore’s body language-!  She’s leaning on Bianca and-“

”Whatever.”  A third member of the group scoffed dismissively.  “Adore could do so much better than that.”

There was a collective gasp, air pressure dropping into negative territory as a full group of under-twenties held their breath.  The first and second suddenly allied themselves against a common foe.

”What the fuck?”

”I can’t believe you just-“

”Adore isn’t going to fuck your sorry ass, so you might as well shut up about Bianca.”

”-dumbass biadore shippers.”  The person turned on their heel and stalked off in the other direction.  Roy couldn’t decide if he should be amused or indignant, but finally settled on texting Adore himself.

Your fans are currently arguing about whether or not we love each other.  Also, if my balls strangle in these shorts I’m blaming you.

The delivered and read notifications immediately popped up, followed by the (…) typing notification.  

Adore’s response arrived a few seconds later and he nearly choked at the surge of lust the picture evoked.  

It was one Danny had taken a few weeks ago before Roy left for London.  That had been one of the last few days they’d been able to spend together with just the two of them, and somehow discussing their tour plans had turned into insatiable need for bare skin on skin.

The composition was skewed from the angle Danny had been holding his phone, but all of the details were clear.  In it, he was buried balls deep in Roy’s ass, hand yanking his head back by the hair as they fucked over the dresser in Roy’s bedroom.  The photo captured his shoulders at the bottom of the frame, and his face and Danny’s torso reflected in the mirror on the wall.  His mouth was hanging open, eyes glazed and hands braced against the edge of the dresser.  All of the things normally neatly arranged on top were overturned, swept aside in their haste.  

Roy tried to subtly adjust himself as he focused on the purpling love bites scattered across Danny’s chest and stomach, thinking of the whimpers of pleasure they’d accompanied.  He remembered Danny’s intense stare as they locked eyes in the mirror, remembered telling him to take a picture “because it’ll last longer”.  He’d intended to make Danny delete it, but had gotten distracted by rounds two and three that afternoon and evening.  

He moved to the restroom, locking himself in a stall and peeling down shorts and tights.  Palming his stiff cock, he took a picture of his own and sent it in reply.

Don’t tempt me, I’m already so fucking hard I could jerk off right here.

(…)

Prove it.

[earlybird820]

The Ultimate Betrayal

I’m supposed to be getting married to the love of my life today. Today is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. But two days ago, two days before our wedding, I discovered the unthinkable.

            On Monday night, four days before the big day, Rob completely out of nowhere tells me he is not sure we should get married. That he hasn’t even written his vows and that every time he sits down to do it, he comes up with nothing. All of this is giving him doubts. I tell him I know life has been a little crazy lately—with our jobs, school, and the wedding planning not allowing a whole lot of quality time between the two of us. But work has calmed down for me, I graduated so no more school, and the wedding planning is done. We will now have the rest of our lives to spend together and that relationships take work and I am more than willing to give it everything I have. I have no doubts, I want to marry him, I love him and always have. It seems that nothing I say is easing any of his doubts. He is still as unsure as he was before our conversation. We go to bed, say we’ll talk more about it tomorrow.

            Tuesday, now three days before we walk down the aisle. I text him at 7pm to tell him I am just leaving work and would he like me to pick up dinner on the way home. He says he is also staying late at work so he’ll get his own. He doesn’t get home until after 9pm. I ask him why he had to work so late. He says he lied, that he actually met up with a friend that he hadn’t seen in a long time just to talk to someone else about these doubts he is having. I ask him how that conversation went. He doesn’t give me much more than he did the night before. Super vague responses, no real concrete reasons for his doubts that seem to have appeared out of thin air. Again, we go to bed with nothing resolved.

            Wednesday, two days before the nuptials. This is supposed to be a date day, just him and I. Couples massage in the morning, lunch, write our vows together, dinner, movie, hopefully some intimacy. We got through the couples massage and lunch. He was short with me the entire morning. We get home and he gets in the shower. For the very first time in the four years we’ve been together, I decide to look through his phone for answers. I thought maybe he was talking to his friends or family about these doubts and that he is being more open with them about it than he is with me and I needed answers that I clearly wasn’t getting from him. What I find instead sends me into an instant panic attack.

            I see a few recent texts between him and another girl, Deanna—how he will cherish the time that they had together. Texts from her about how he made his decision to go through with the wedding and chose me over her. My whole body is shaking, My heart pounding, feeling like it’s going to shoot through my chest, I can’t breathe. I grab his phone, my phone, and purse and get in my car. I drive toward my sister’s house but then realize that’s where he would expect me to go. I pull into the Ikea parking lot and pull out his phone. I brace myself and enter his password for the second time. It takes me over two hours to read the entire text string that started in July. Several times I had to put the phone down and stop crying enough to go on.

            They used to work together seven years ago and Rob had a crush on her then. She tells him that she had a crush on him then too. He says his mind is blown. What could have been? If only he knew way back then. She recently has moved back into his department at work, same floor, can see each other from their desks. They start flirting at work, flirting through texts. They decide to go out for drinks one night after work. They make out in the bathroom corridor at the bar. They can’t stop thinking about it, how hot it was, how they wanted to go further. They meet up again, another bar. They make out in a bathroom stall—they text about what they did to each other in detail. How hot her little moans were.

            Now they are meeting up regularly, making out in their cars, at parks. She is engaged also. Neither one of them have the balls to call us by name. We’re only referred to as “the roommates.”

            At this point they’ve done everything but actually have intercourse. She texts him that if they do go further, she needs to tell him something. She has herpes. But she would never do anything when she has a flareup. He says that he appreciates her telling him and that as long as they are careful, it’s fine. They have sex. In the car, at her house when “her roommate” is on a fishing trip. He continues to also have sex with me, knowing that he could be passing on an STD.

            The weekend of my bachelorette party, he stays the night at her place. The weekend that I am staying at my sister’s to watch her girls while she is in Florida, he asks her to come to our place, in my bed. She doesn’t go. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she had a prior engagement. She also says, “wouldn’t you be worried ‘the roommate’ might find evidence?”

            They tried to break it off a few times, but then would go somewhere to talk and it would start right back up again. They told each other how they had never fallen so hard and fast for anyone else. They were falling for each other, they were in love. It took him less than two months to tell her he loved her; it took him ten months to tell me. But how could he call off his wedding when it was so close?

            A couple weeks ago, her “roommate” asks her if she had a guy over. She admits it. He leaves her. Rob wants to comfort her. He is now wrestling with the idea even more about calling off the wedding, but he is being deployed to Iraq in January for a year and he and Deanna would only have a few months together. She tells him that she will wait for him, that she’s already waited seven years. He doesn’t call it off.

            The wedding date approaches ever closer. I had told Rob weeks ago that I really want to go somewhere, just the two of us, the weekend before the wedding. He suggests Chicago—I have never been and he has always wanted to take me. I’m excited. But the week before we are supposed to go, he tells me that unfortunately work is sending him to Cleveland that weekend, so we can’t go now. I’m bummed, but I understand. He doesn’t go to Cleveland. He spent the entire weekend with Deanna, as a last love fest before he was to marry “his roommate.” That one stung deep.

            He texts that he can’t call off the wedding so close to the day, after everyone has already spent all that money. That he and I would inevitably grow apart because of the time and distance away while he is in Iraq, then we would get divorced when he got home, and he and Deanna could be together. Clearly this was so that his friends and family would never know that she was the one who broke up his marriage and then they would be able to accept her; they would be completely unaware of the infidelity and he could save face. He is a coward.

            Throughout all the texts, he said things to her and did things to her that he also said and did to me. He held her in his arms, kissed her forehead, wiped her tears. Laid in bed talking with her. Each one was another punch to the gut.

            While reading through the texts, Rob had gotten on his computer at home since he couldn’t find his phone or me. He started to Facebook message Deanna telling her I left the house and he couldn’t find his phone. Was she receiving any weird texts? She said no. All of these messages between each other were popping up on his phone and I could see them.

            When I finished reading everything, I called my sister, hysterical. I texted my parents, his parents, and his sister that the wedding was off, that he has been cheating. I went home to confront him. I walked in and he asked me where I was. I handed him his phone and said, “Reading your texts. You got your wish. The wedding is off. You can go be with Deanna” He doesn’t say a word. I run upstairs to pack a bag; my sister is coming to get me. I come back downstairs; he is on his phone, probably texting her. I tell him I want him out of the house by tomorrow, that he did this, and he can go stay with Deanna. He tells me that he tried to talk to me before. I tell him that he had two months to talk to me, that he waited until four days before our wedding to tell me he was having doubts. I’m crying and screaming at him that he knew how important our weekend away meant to me, and that he lied to me and said he had to work when he was with her. That he is a piece of shit and they deserve each other. He says, “I will be out of the house tonight.” No apology, no explanation. With a final “Fuck you, Rob”, I storm out of the house.

            I spend the rest of the night going from shock and numbness, to crying hysterically. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m sick to my stomach. I just keep replaying all of it in my head. The signs I didn’t see until now. I remember him coming home completely soaked one day recently. He said he went for a run and got caught in the downpour. But he was actually with her at a park, making out in the rain. They texted each other about it, how romantic it was, sent each other gifs from The Notebook. He was texting her while we were at my family vacation, told me he was tired and went to bed both nights long before the rest of us. But when I would go up to our bedroom hours later, he was still awake on his phone. I had assumed he was watching sports; he was texting her. He was texting her on my birthday. And just last weekend, while he was with her, he had the audacity to text me, “Hey babe, how is it going back home?”

            I realize now that there were many times he was texting her while in the same room with me, even lying next to me in bed. And I was not suspicious in the least. Because I loved him and I never thought him capable of such selfishness, such betrayal. I wonder when it was that he stopped loving me, because how could someone do this to someone they love? How and why could this happen? I will never understand.

            These are questions that I will probably never have an answer to, and I know even if I did, it wouldn’t change anything, but goddamnit, I deserve an explanation.

            So today is my wedding day and I will not be walking down the aisle to the future that I had envisioned. But I am strong and though I know it is going to be a long road to recovery for me, I know I will eventually be okay, even happy. And I hope one day he realizes what he lost, if he hasn’t already. How he threw away an amazing woman who loved him unconditionally for a selfish two-month fling.

[cheekybabycal]

Look at Me in the Eye

Summary: Calum and Y/N decided to give their relationship another shot, but it’s not long until the two become three. Now Y/N is faced with a difficult decision.

PART ONE

Rating: 14+

TRIGGER WARNINGS: anxiety, panic attacks

Warnings: swearing, mentions of unprotected sex, mild smut

Word count: 2.6k

Author’s note: my first fanfic on tumblr! Welcome to my page, hope you enjoy the shit I post. My writing is usually long (about 2k and above) so join the ride if you’re patient. That’s it, happy reading!

Y/N didn’t really believe in karma. She didn’t think that there was some weird, hidden force, returning positive or negative energy back to her. If she got something she wanted, it was because she worked hard for it. Not because she helped someone she barely knew find their way to a classroom back in 2013. Or if, god forbid, something bad happened to her, she would trace it back to why it occurred, and she would never assume it happened because of something mean she said a few months back.

But as she sat on the edge of her bed, her hands gripping the hem of her grey NYU sweater, her mind racing and her heart pounding in her ears, silencing the noise of the early January wind outside her window, she couldn’t help but think about what she could have possibly done to the world to end up in this position.

There were only a few times in Y/N’s 21 years of living in which she was, at least in her own opinion, unnecessarily rude. Other than that, she can’t think of anything she has done for ‘karma’ to come back and bite her in the ass. Okay, so maybe she stole a tiny stuffed puppy key chain back in 2nd grade, but surely that didn’t count...

Y/N wasn't stupid. She knew unprotected sex had consequences. She had learned enough in 9th grade health class to last her a lifetime. She knew about chlamydia and herpes and warts and HIV, and of course, pregnancy. But ever since she got back together with Calum (a decision she might be starting to regret), she had been happy. As in, actually, literally, genuinely happy. And so, it didn’t really bother her if they fucked without protection. The first time they did, though, after they got back together, was after quite a few hours of partying, both of them ridiculously drunk. She remembers leaving sloppy kisses on Calum’s skin, however much of it she could reach, as they stumbled into his apartment (which she moved into a few weeks after that night). She also remembers freaking the fuck out the next morning and running to the closest convenience store to buy a Plan B.

After that night, Y/N went on the pill and tried her best to keep up with the schedule. She even went as far as setting reminders on her phone for the first few months. But when her phone suddenly started blasting during a lecture, she was quick to get rid of the alarms altogether, and made a mental note to herself to take the pill at the same time every day.

And truth to be told, she was pretty consistent with it.

Until she wasn't.

Y/N and Calum had been tested and both of them were clean in the STI area, so using a condom or a birth control pill was solely for the purpose of not getting pregnant. However, since taking the pill at the exact same time, every single day on a regular basis was a bit of a challenge, they decided to go back to the classic – and easier – protection method, condoms. At first, Y/N didn’t want to say anything to Calum because she knew that for some men, condoms reduced the total amount of pleasure they would feel, but it turned out that Calum was fine with using them, and that was the end of that.

For the life of her, Y/N can’t remember how this could have happened. Never in a million years would Y/N think that she would be sitting alone on the bed she shared with Calum, shaking with fear of what was about to come.

Well, technically, she wasn't sure. Not yet anyway.

She couldn't bring herself to take the test.

So there she sat, on the bed, her heart hammering as she felt a panic attack coming. And it did.

Just as her lungs started to tighten and her head started to spin and her limbs started feeling numb, Y/N heard the front door open.

“Hey, I'm home.” Calum’s voice rang in her ears, causing her breath to hitch in her throat. She couldn't call back to him if she wanted to, and God, this was the worst timing possible because Y/N knew, she just knew, that the second she would see Calum, the whole thing would get even worse.

She tries to focus on her breathing, but her head is spinning too fast for her to count her inhales and exhales. So instead she tries grounding herself, sliding off the bed to land on the floor and grip the soft carpet under her. It doesn’t help.

“Babe?” Y/N can hear his footsteps coming down the hall and towards the bedroom, and all she wants to do is melt into the carpet that she’s gripping so hard. She hugs her legs tightly to her chest (bad move, since she can’t breathe) and rests her forehead on her knees, planning to keep herself hidden from him for as long as she can.

“There you are.”

Well, there goes that plan.

“Shit, Y/N are you okay?” he’s by her side within seconds of stepping across the threshold of the room, crouching down beside her and placing a hand on her shoulder. “What happened babe? Where does it hurt? Do you want some water?”

She looks up at him, a single tear spilling down her left cheek as she tries to control her breathing. He is so caring, so sweet, so loving to her, and she’s about to crash his entire life and everything he’d worked hard for.

“Fuck, it’s another one, isn't it? It’s okay, just focus on me,” he speaks calmly, now sitting next to her on the floor and wrapping his right arm around her. Calum was familiar with Y/N’s panic attacks and had helped her through a few, so it was safe to say he knew what he was doing.

She rests her head against his shoulder almost immediately, and as her heart continues to pound out of her chest, her arms give out and drop by her sides, causing her legs to wobble and land in an awkward lean against Calum. “Just focus on me,” he repeats. “focus on the sound of my voice. Here, give me your hand.” He gently takes her hands in his left one and starts playing with the rings on her fingers, and then the bracelets on her wrists. “These are really pretty. Almost as pretty as you. But I like this one,” he says, gliding his thumb over the small and simple rock-centered ring. “It kind of reminds me of that sculpture thing we saw at that mall downtown, do you remember that one? With the rocks and the little fake birds. It was fun to look at.”

Y/N knows what he’s doing: distracting her, and it’s working.

“I... yeah, remember,” she says weakly and between sharp inhales of air. “keep … keep talking.”

“Right, I always thought it was weird though. Because birds fly in the sky, and maybe near mountains, but the rocks on the sculpture looked like ones you would find on the beach, you know? And the birds didn’t look anything like seagulls, either, so what was the artist trying to accomplish?”

A light, throaty chuckle leaves Y/N’s throat, and she realizes that her heartbeat is starting to slow.

“Anyways, today was a good day at the studio. We got this really cool new song. Not the whole thing, but we have the bass down, thanks to me...” He laughs then, and she swears that the sound of it started to clear her head. “and Luke and Ash are working on the lyrics real hard, so that’s a plus.” and as he continued to talk about his day, Y/N feels her lungs opening up again, and oxygen reaching her brain again, and her heart rate slowing down back to normal. Almost, anyway. But it’s good enough.

After what seemed like forever, her breathing goes back to normal and she feels grounded. With a weak smile, she looks up at him, wanting to kiss every inch of his face and then his neck, and she wants to whisper in his ear that she is having his child but she isn’t sure yet and she doesn’t know if he would be happy or not and her thoughts are suffocating her so she just looks into his eyes.

He brushes a few loose strands of hair behind her ear and leans down slowly. Ever so gently, he tilts her head, looks into her eyes, then at her lips, and closes the small distance between them. He presses his lips against hers lightly, and at that moment he could swear that this was the most intimate kiss they’d ever had, and when Y/N grabs his face with both of her hands and deepens the kiss, Calum is sure.

They fit so perfectly. Like they are meant for each other, and a slow warmth crawls up Y/N’s body and rests on her cheeks, a light pink spreading against her face. She smiles against his lips and pulls away, looking up at him, his chocolate eyes meeting her hazel ones. Their gaze holds for a moment, each looking into the other’s soul, and then she straddles him, resting her forehead against his.

“I love you,” she whispers, and even though they have already said I love you to each other about a dozen times since they got back together, she can feel Calum’s grip on her waist tighten before he relaxes a split second later and wraps his arms around her to pull her closer to him.

“I love you, too. So, so much”

Y/N can feel herself loosen, the stress she felt from earlier dissolving just a bit after hearing him say it back to her. At least now she knows that once she tells him, once she actually finds out for sure, that he will be supportive.

Hopefully.

She kisses him again, this time with more fury, like she can melt all her worries away with his lips. Her hands find their way to the nape of his neck and she plays with the dark curls there as he tugs on the material of her sweater. It’s a beautiful, passionate moment, but she wants more. Experimentally, she grinds her hips down on his, and a low groan escapes from the back of his throat and she feels the vibration of it on her lips. Taking that as a positive sign, Y/N continues to move her hips, grinding down on his forming erection and hearing his breathing quicken. She loved the sounds he made when he was just beginning to get aroused, because it almost sounded like he was trying to fight it, and Y/N always found that oh so sexy. Pulling her out of thought, Calum slips a hand under her sweater, rubbing circles against her back before moving it up to cup her breast. She sighs into his mouth, quickening the pace of their kiss as she relishes in the feel of his skin against hers.

But then he lowers his hand to her ribs, down her stomach, and when his fingers gently graze against her abdomen, she opens her eyes and stops everything she is doing, pushing him away with just a bit of force.

Calum blinks at her. Pulls his hand away. “uh... did I do something?”

She bites her lower lip and looks away, shaking her head. Great. Now she had to explain why she was all weird, which would most likely lead to him asking why she had a panic attack in the first place.

Just great.

“I... um, no. You didn't do anything wrong; I’m just jumpy today is all.”

He continues to look at her, as if he is debating whether to ask what’s really wrong, and Y/N prays that he won’t actually do it. After a long moment, Calum sighs and wraps his arms around her, and she leans into him, her face resting against his shoulder.

They stay like that for a while before starting what they had going before, back up again. It doesn’t take long for them to get really into it, and soon they’re stretched out on the floor, Calum lying on his back on the carpet and Y/N on top of him. They are a mess of lips and teeth and tongue and hair but they’re laughing and Y/N feels lighthearted. She stops to look at him, to really take in the beautiful sight that is her boyfriend, and then helps him get rid of his shirt. She’s a bit shaky when he slips his hands under her sweater to take it off, but she decides against pushing him away and instead lifts her arms to help him. After Calum pulls her sweater off of her, he sits up, with Y/N still on his lap, a look of worry on his eyes.

“Hey,” he says gently, lifting her chin so he could really look at her. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Calum, you know I know that,” Y/N really isn't sure what else to say.

He stares at her, then presses his lips softly against her forehead. That’s all it takes for her to kiss him again. It’s a heated, passionate kiss, full of emotion, like they haven’t seen each other in years, and they can’t get enough of it, of each other. She pushes him back down on the floor and bends over him, smiling against his lips as she starts to grind on him. He lowers his hands to her ass, squeezing gently before hooking his thumbs in the waistband of her leggings and dragging them down. She gasps into his mouth as his fingers linger over her belly but she doesn’t want to disrupt the moment, so she ignores the nervousness that starts to poke her in the back of her mind. She can tell he wants this to go forward, and there isn’t much she can do when he raises his arms to her back and unhooks her bra.

She wants this; she really does. It’s been a long day for her and there is nothing she’d rather do than spend the night wrapped in Calum’s arms. But if she’s this sensitive to when he’s touching her near the abdomen, how will she react when he’s inside of her? Y/N doesn’t want to find out.

“Cal...” she breathes his name to get his attention, but he sees it as a sign of encouragement as he trails his lips from her jaw to her neck, leaving marks here and there, and her breath hitches in her throat because Calum’s lips on her skin are setting a slow-burning fire within her and she just wants it to grow.

He flips them over so he's hovering over her, and buries his face into her neck, trailing the forming hickies down to her sternum, to each of her breasts. He takes his time with her, getting her to gasp and moan as he pays attention to each nipple. Once he feels it’s enough, he continues his path, trailing his lips and tongue down her stomach, along the faint line of her abs, and then right down to...

She pushes him off before he can get to her lower abdomen, startling him. Sighing, Calum pulls away and sits up. “That’s it. What’s wrong?”

[therandomfics]

Anniversary: 20

As spring rolled through New York and the ice and snow melted not only from the ground and trees, but from your shoulders as well, you found yourself trying to get out and meet new people. Not necessarily for dating, although you weren’t opposed to it entirely - after all, how long had it been since you’d been hugged, or kissed, let alone had physical intimacy? You tried to think back. It had a month since your divorce, plus six months of separation, plus the month that you’d left Sonny alone... eight months? And that was only because of the limited but enjoyable lip service you’d had with Sonny. 

You didn’t want to think about how long it had been since you’d had sex. The idea of opening yourself up to someone like that made you vastly uncomfortable. It reminded you of how you felt your freshman year of college and how you’d almost had a panic attack when you lost your virginity. Similar feelings took you over again, but you shook them off. You were an adult, a grown woman, beautiful and capable, and if a man wanted to rush you or shame you, he could piss off. 

In your attempts to meet new people, you’d struck up a friendship with the woman who lived beside you. You lived on the top floor of a house, essentially an attic transformed into a studio, and she lived in the next house over in a similar situation. Her name was Anna and she was close to your age. She worked in the city and trekked in daily, so you saw her mostly on the weekends, but you enjoyed her company nonetheless. She was witty and funny, always had a good story to tell, and always brought the wine when she visited you. It was a good friendship. 

“So, confession,” you began as you sat at her apartment one Saturday afternoon. You were both single but didn’t know each other’s stories just yet, so the topic of men was on the table at any given point in time. “I think I’m gonna branch out and start dating. I mean, not really dating. Nothing serious. Plus men are kind of stupid. I just don’t know where to start because there’s so many places online to look - and I know, online isn’t everything but I wanna screen them first if I can.” 

Anna laughed and filled your glasses up again before she pulled her phone out and hesitantly held it to her chest. “I was on Tinder. I thought we were too old,” she explained and you nodded in agreement, having had some interesting experiences of your own on that app. “But I met this guy a year ago and he’s really charming! I’m so surprised! He lives in the city, so sometimes I see him after work and we’ve actually spent the night together a few times. I deleted the app and so did he.. I mean I guess it’s getting serious?” 

You smiled and let out a laugh. “After a year? Yes, I think it’s time to get serious. That’s great, though! I’m happy for you! So you’re saying there’s hope on Tinder after all?” 

She nodded enthusiastically and unlocked her phone. “Oh. Wait. Well I was going to show you a picture but neither of us are on Tinder and he’s not really the selfie type.” 

“It’s okay. I’m sure if he’s gotten your attention he’s pretty handsome,” you said encouragingly. 

“He is! He’s tall and athletic, and smart, and sarcastic. He’s got really gorgeous eyes that I swear change color.. blue, green... so nice,” she swooned and took another sip from her glass. “I’m so glad I met him! We’ve worked near one another for a few years and didn’t know it. He said he’s just been out of a really bad relationship so it’s good we’re taking it slow. Actually, Y/N! Actually! He’s going to come over later tonight and stay. Won’t you please come meet him?”

You smiled and nodded, finishing your glass of wine. “Yes. I will! But that means I’m going home for a while so you can do whatever you need to before he gets here. Just text me, ok?” 

“Okay!” 

Although you were happy for Anna, you were jealous, too. You’d been on Tinder and OkCupid for nearly a month now and your only successes were in trolling men who thought they were God’s gift to women. One guy on Tinder sent you his address. You declined, politely, only to be called a whore. It was an entirely different world now than it was when you’d been dating - the era now known as BPS. Before Peter Stone. You had, though, been chatting with a guy you’d matched with on OkCupid. He was very articulate and humble, two traits you appreciated, but you were kind of bummed that for whatever reason, he only had one picture and it wasn’t exactly close enough to really see his face. Still, he was nice, and you at the very least appreciated having someone to talk to these days. 

And then, at the end of the day, there was always Sonny. Always. You hadn’t spoken in ages although you’d considered sending him a message nearly every single morning when you woke up and realized that you’d lost him. Maybe it was better that way? You’d reactivated your Facebook but you’d been hesitant to see if he was really in a relationship. You were quick to assume when you saw him post a picture of himself with a gorgeous female, tagging her and the works. Instead of investigating, you just unfollowed him. He wouldn’t know you were friends but he wasn’t visible to you anymore, and he wouldn’t know how angry you were with him for moving on. 

He had promised, and you reminded yourself of that every morning, about ten seconds after you thought about reaching out to him. He promised to wait forever and he hadn’t. What did he think, you were just going to run off with him into the sunset? This wasn’t a Harlequin romance. This was real life, and you had to sort your life out before you dragged him into your pit of misery. You thought you were doing him a favor, but apparently that wasn’t the case. 

The ding from your computer let you know that you had a new message. You were pleased to see that it was from your new friend on OkCupid. 

Brighton19: Hey, cubsarescrubs. One day you’ll tell me your real name. Anyway just wanted to let you know that I hope you’re having a great day. I spent the morning doing some volunteer work - does that get me brownie points? - for underprivileged kids. Thankful to say that they were all really appreciative and despite their hesitations at first, we grew on them. If you’re ever in the city and you see lime green bikes I bet we built them. How’s your day going? 

You smiled. He was so nice. It was weird, though, that he was from Brighton Beach. In your time in New York you’d never met anyone from there. 

cubsarescrubs: Alright I give. My name is Y/N. What’s your name? Or should I just call you Brighton? Sounds like you had a really productive day!! That’s great. I love that you’re part of outreach programs; that’s a really big bonus for you. My day is going well. My neighbor’s introducing me to her new boyfriend tonight so that’s.. fun? I mean surely I’ll be jealous but patience is a virtue and all of that jazz. Get it. Chicago.. all that jazz? Ok.. I’m going. 

Brighton19: Benjamin. But you can call me Ben. Actually if you called me at all I’d be happy. :) No pressure I’m only teasing. I won’t keep you, but I hope you enjoy your time tonight. I’m heading out soon myself, got some friends I’m going to meet up with and maybe if I can con them into it, head to see the Yankees. 

cubsarescrubs: Gross... to the Yankees. I fully support the White Sox though. 

Brighton19: Why? Your name says Cubs? I don’t know too much about baseball just trying to impress you.

cubsarescrubs: Well you know I’m from Chicago. Let’s just say I used to know a guy... hope he’s got herpes now. Probably does! Talk later! :) 

So Benjamin from Brighton Beach. What an interesting development. God, you hoped he wasn’t 50 and balding... if, that was, you ever decided to meet up with him. 

Another burst of inspiration hit you as you sat in front of your laptop, scrolling through the endless drama of Facebook. Maybe you needed to get over yourself. You typed in Sonny’s name in the search bar and then clicked on his profile picture to bring up his page. 

There it was, in plain view. 

Dominick Carisi Jr Detective at NYPD Lives in Manhattan, NY From Staten Island, NY ❤ SINGLE

Your heart stopped. So who was she? You picked up your phone to text him, but as soon as you did Anna called. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey! He’s here. He’s cooking us dinner, isn’t that great! So come over in like twenty minutes.” 

“I don’t want to interrupt your dinner, Anna.” 

“NO!” She laughed in the most giddy way you’d ever heard. “He’s making all three of us dinner, Y/N. See you soon! Can you bring another bottle of that cab? Thanks!” 

She hung up and you looked at the small wine rack on your kitchen counter. Cab, hmm? You slipped your flats on and grabbed your purse. It would have been quicker to take the car out of the garage and drive, but you didn’t want to arrive too early, so you set out on foot to the grocery store. Anything for Anna and her mystery man. 

Tag List: @halloup @sasbb23 @enthusiastic-french-toast @juliie-isabel @inlovewith3 @glimmerglittergirl @babypink224221 @thebeckyjolene @braincandyreads @cecilyjmorgenstern

[seltzerforever]

Molly Rae, 

I’ve been avoiding this for quite some time now. I think I’ve known that its what i have to do, and have found myself holding on so desperately, that I haven’t been able to. With this, it will all become too real, which is exactly the last thing that I want this to be. I can’t write about you anymore. I actually can barely do much of anything at all anymore. Everything I’ve been asked to write has been pushed away or prolonged because the second any assignment gets to you, or the you that I remember, I freeze. I don’t know how to begin this... I don’t want to begin this. There is a part of me that enjoys the sadness because it just makes sense...With the moments I’m not sad, I struggle to understand how that could possibly be, because if you’re not a part of me, how on earth can everything feel alright? There are bits of me that tell me I need to hurt, that I need to mourn the loss of us for the both of us since you are unable to. I am holding on the hope for two because I feel if I don’t, its an insult to what we were. If I let go, I’m disregarding all that you’ve done for me and all that I’ve done for you. 

If I let go, our memories and laughter begin to blur, and my stability no longer is sure anymore. If I say goodbye, I’m losing all hope, all inside jokes, all the touching, teaching, and exploring. If I let go, I’m abandoning the most enjoyable memories of my life, the best person in my life and the one being who taught me and aided me in becoming who I truly am. There is too much tied to you to let go. I don’t know how to and I really don’t want to, because then it really means its all done. It really means that I have to say goodbye to the most genuine, loving, beautiful, hilarious, and caring person I’ve ever met. I’ll have to cut off a piece of me in the process, and actually see what the world without you looks like for the first time in 4 years. 

If I say goodbye all of our vacations slip away. All of the tearful love making and continuous whispers about the rest of our lives together were all false, and Molly and Max will never be. If I say goodbye, I’ll no longer have the right to daydream about you coming back. I won’t be able to take you to France and propose to you. I won’t be able to get you sewing lessons and interlock our fingers together as you walk me through all of the art galleries. If I say goodbye to you, the thought of you walking down the aisle of your old backyard in Cherry Valley will shrivel up, and the smile that comes to my face when I think about those big treeth, and never-ending pits of eyes you have will go away. If I say goodbye, the future that I’d envisioned for the past 4 years will become skewed and I won’t get to ever spend a Christmas at your moms with our two children. I won’t get to watch you become all that you’re meant to, or get to see the goofy face you make when you’re feeling funny. I won’t get to hold you so tightly ever again and feel in utter disbelief as to how I get to spend my time with the most wonderful thing this world has to offer. If I say goodbye, I’m saying goodbye to the thousands of exploding suns in my heart as I simply sit next to you, and your smell. If I say goodbye, I will no longer get to see the dried up orange paint lodged under your fingernails, or graze my lips over the delicate faint scar on your lower stomach. If I say goodbye, the thought of your wiggling happy toes in the morning will no longer send me into space, and the visions of you in all the wonderfulness that you are will no longer be. If I say goodbye this will all become too real, and that is why I have to say goodbye. Because this is real. What we were is what we were, and not who we are anymore. All of these things happened and overflowed me with feelings I am incapable of verbalizing because they were just that unbelievably enjoyable. Everything that happened - all the good and all of the bad happened. You and I put us to rest and it was and still is necessary regardless of the pain that inflicts me completely from head to toe, inside and out. Nothing is regretted, not a single smidge of what we’ve done. We are exactly where we are supposed to be at this current moment in time whether its what I’d like or not. 

The void of you is unimaginable, and it can never be stuffed back and stitched up whole again. It can never be replaced, but it can be healed. It can offer space for something else, and make room for all that is left to come into my life in the years to come. I will forever miss my best friend regardless of this chapters closing. My hand will still search for yours in the middle of the night and my eyes will still yearn to see the dimples of your lower back. My fingertips won’t forget the dips of your hips or the crease of your chin. My tongue will miss yours as they dance together, and the warmth of your neck. I will never forget how I couldn’t bear washing my sheets because the thought of your dead skin left behind put my mind at ease. The wave of you will forever collide into me. Sometimes I’m sure only grazing my toes, and others swallowing me whole. I will remember who you were then, and smile, and know that the you that you’ve become now is entirely different. I want to be here for you forever, and never let another person or yourself cause you harm, but I can no longer continue to sit here and wait as I dissolve into nothingness. I am so much more than what I’ve been recently, and we both confidently know it. I don’t want to say goodbye and that is why I need to say goodbye. I need to say goodbye so happiness no longer registers to me as a disappointment under construction. I need to say goodbye so I can remember the good and understand the bad. I can accept all that has happened and be aware of the change that has occurred inside of you and inside of us. By saying goodbye, I can finally allow myself to stop romanticizing what we were, and remember the sickness that drove me to terminate this relationship back in July. By saying goodbye, I can stop blaming the hurt you doused me in on your bipolar disorder alone, and realize that unhealthy or not, your physical vessel of a body caused me unimaginable pain. Sick or not, it was still you that tortured me emotionally in the weeks following our demise. 

It was you, Molly, that had unprotected sex only three days after we broke up. It was you, Molly, that looked me in the eyes and exclaimed that there hadn’t been a time that you’d been happier with hickeys covering your neck entirely. It was you, Molly, that told me in order to have sex with you again, that I would have to force myself to engage physically with others first. it was you, Molly, who went back on your word and told me you could handle having sex with me regardless. It was you, Molly, that told me the sore on your lips that you’d received from the girl you had been with only days after me was not transferable. It was you, Molly, who gave me genital herpes, covered my gums and throat entirely in sores and left me unable to walk for a week straight with a 103 fever. It was you, Molly, that when told what you had given me, exclaimed that it was closure for you. That upon hearing what I had contracted, you were finally able to eat again, because it was the first conversation that wasn’t about us and solely about me since our breakup. It was you, Molly, that told me not to talk to you for two weeks after, to give you space to actually see if you’d miss me at all. It was you, Molly, who came back home from Ohio and said you didn’t want to see me. It was you, Molly, that made countless advances on me and only called me baby the entirety of Liz’s birthday party. It was you, Molly, who continuously rubbed my leg and inched closer to me no matter the number of times I moved further away. It was you, Molly, that did not respect my blatant and very clear boundaries when I told you I didn’t want you touching me. It was you, Molly, that after consuming an entire bottle of champagne, two gin and tonics, a shot of rum, a shot of whiskey, and cocaine you’d found in the trash continued to ask me to make out with you. It was you, Molly, that disregarded all of my attempts to not engage with you, and it was you, Molly, that I took home and let you sleep in my bed due to the state you were in after you’d topped off your recklessness with a Xanax that night. It was you, Molly, that no longer had any sign of the Molly that I used to know when I awoke to those hollow black eyes the following morning. It was you, Molly, that continued to tell me in such detail about the many, many sexual relations you’d had in the two weeks after our relationship. It was you, Molly, that lacked a filter and regardless of my begging, regardless of the many topic changes I attempted, then proceeded to show me texts of those you’d asked to come fuck you in the house I’d just moved out of. It was you, Molly, that told me you liked someone else that morning, and that you were so relieved that we could now just be friends that fucked. It was you, Molly, who continued commenting inappropriate things on all of my pictures, marking a territory that was no longer yours to mark. It was you, Molly, that made me entirely sure that my decision to leave us behind had been the right one. It was you, Molly, who made me remember what it felt like to be worthless and unwanted. It was you, Molly, that due to your sickness or not, became completely unrecognizable. It is you, Molly, who is sick beyond my repair. It is you, Molly, that now has to figure out how to fix yourself, because I’ve done all that I could’ve. It is you, Molly, who I am leaving behind now. It is you, Molly, who I am saying goodbye to. 

I’ve rolled through the many stages of grief numerous times thus far. So much so that I’ve accepted that this now is what is now. I’m disappointed for sure. I’m let down and pretty bruised up. But I am okay. My ears don’t emit steam when I think about the month of August, and my stomach no longer caves in on itself to imagine all of the others that get to experience what was once so safe, and sacred to me. I am thankful that you were a part of my life, and that I got to experience what it felt like to have somebody run through my veins. I was lucky enough to witness a love I’d never imagined possible, and the bad does not negate the things that you have helped me overcome and become throughout our journey together. I’ve always said that you were the love of all of my lives, and I’m not taking it back. You were without a doubt a love of this life of mine, but that doesn’t mean the only or the last. Saying goodbye will not put a halt to my love, but I can only hope that it dims it down. I have accepted that this is necessary, and can confidently say that I no longer want you nor need you in the ways I once did. I genuinely and completely want for you to find the control that you’ve misplaced, for you to wear the smile that I met you with – the one bursting with confidence, independence, and joy. And most importantly, I want you to work through any and all troubles, and surround yourself with those that are worth your time and respect you as you should be respected. I love you, I love you, I love you and I don’t want to say goodbye, but I am ready to. Because loving you has grown unhealthy for me. Loving you has become too tiring and I need to come first. You will find goodness, as will I, and if we’re lucky, our paths might cross in the far future. 

Thank you for teaching me to no longer run away. Thank you for teaching me how to stick up for myself. Thank you for showing me how important and special communication can be. Thank you for allowing me to become a part of your family. Thank you for showing me a different outlook on life and all of the amazing colors that it is filled with.  Thank you for showing me how to love my body and to appreciate it for all that it has done thus far. Thank you for being so understanding, and listening when my mind made it hard for me to understand myself. You made it possible for Max to emerge from the ashes and aided me in evolving with your protection, acceptance, and support. Thank you for the laughter, thank you for the tears, and thank you for allowing me the time I was able to experience by your side. You, if anyone, were placed into my life with reason and a purpose. We’ve grown so much together, and all of the pain and aftermath that I endured could never make me regretful. I lived 3 beautiful years with you before we both went through such monumental things of our own. things that no one could have prepared us for. Three insanely bright years before neither of us held any more capacity to focus on “us” and only separately on ourselves. 

I do not regret parting ways with you any longer or hold blame and responsibility for it all alone. We each had involvement and did our absolute best. We tried so hard and got to explore so much. You are the best friend I’ve ever had. 

I wish you all of the clementines, hues of yellow, and mismatching patterns you can get your hands on. I wish you perogies galore, books from Brooklyn’s stoops, and trinkets upon trinkets from all of the yard sales. I wish you all of the goodness and out-of-control beauty that this world has in stock for you. I loved you then, and I love you now. Until our next lives where we can embrace our love once again...

Goodbye

Max

[thecrotchhand]

health class >:(

-ug

-did somebody say rick of suicide

-”ooh, there’s a laser!” -student teacher

-good ways to manage stress- “punching a hole through the wall”

-”do you have a long-term goal?” “dying”

-”we should deport justin bieber back to canada”

-”if you say you're gonna do something, then do it" "i'm gonna kill myself ;))"

-"i'm busy singing Africa by Toto" *off-key singing continues*

-"when you lose weight, where does it go?" "it goes to weight heaven"

-the guy next to me started playing Africa quietly from his phone

-"i'm talking to bowl cut. just kidding chris. i love you." "...i'm getting a haircut."

-"you don't lift to get swole" -st

-"that sounds not good for you" "i'm gonna try it"

-"during pregnancy, the women in here are gonna need more folate, iron, and calcium" "no, i'm gonna need a coathanger"

-"liar liar pants for hire"

-"is eustress good stress or bad stress?" (long silence) "it's good stress! yay!" -st

-good ways to relax- "11 hours straight of anime"

-"everything's gonna be ok" lmao good joke

-"precipitation... wait i mean perspiration. it still counts, it's raining from your body."

-ways to manage depression- "kill yourself :D"

-help the teacher (flynn) has been yelling at us for the past five minutes

-uh oh she said damn it's gettin' wild

-she went back into her office after and all of a sudden we hear a quiet "oh, happy Wednesday"

-"is it possible to have an abortion 700 weeks late?"

-"what's the r-word we talked about?" "rawr XD"

-"what does autonomy mean?" "it's like grey's anatomy but for cars"

-alcoholism is a good sims trait

-guy: sneezes

guy's friend: "god bless... america"

-”what do you say to your sibling during an argument?” "you should've been aborted" “no”

- "your personality might be kind of boring" "like a potato!" "yeah"

-"what does down to earth mean?" "it means you're like the lorax, you speak for the trees"

-"he was happy?" "yeah! put him working with me and larson for ten years and... we fixed him!"

-the student teacher generally has a habit of sarcastic yaying and it entertains me

-"jason (chris) move your head" "just throw a rock at it, it'll move"

-someone was trying to come up with weird phobias and someone suggested genital herpes

-"sir you've been diagnose with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia " "aahHH"

-"if someone comes up to you and says a mean word, you're gonna be upset" "hey sam" "what" "fuck"

-"i found a big circle"

-"*cough* flynn"

flynn, out of nowhere: "i heard that"

-"have you guys seen cabin in the woods?" "wait, the one with the cabin in the woods?"

-:(

-"let's say you don't have a gun" "pft, not in america"

-we were talking about miscarriage and cody goes "fetus... deletus"

-examples of anger- "when mcdonald's doesn't have ice cream"

-video from the 80's: "depression isn't talked about"

-a seal saved this guy's life and he just: 'ah yes it was all because of god' ¿¿¿???

-80's commercials are the weirdest shit

-yepperdoodles

-"...gonna get addicted to xanax"

-"you guys all did a really good job on your tests" "i got a C" "i got a D+" "yeah there wasn't a single person i was not happy with"

-"you say you see really good scores, but what i'm seeing is a D"

-examples of compromise- "i got a D+, but i feel i deserved an A, so let's meet in the middle with a C" "but what do i get out of it?" "if he passes the class, you don't have to see him anymore"

-"oh no my one feeling"

-"what are some ways to resolve conflict?" "killing yourself"

-"put away the candy this is health class"

-(talking about conflict) "...then the fire nation attacked"

-(softly) "yo what the heck dawg"

-"if they started a rumor-" "kill them"

-"when i was-" "a young boy"

-"you got two more weeks with the student teacher, then you get me back" *high pitched screaming*

-"they never broke out, and then one of them broke out"

-"wrestling uniforms are skimpy"

-(across the room) "hey man, can i touch your butt?" "i don't mind, dude"

-"let's say my wife is going to leave me and i'm... celebrating! oh wait"

-"they're fat and skinny, they're white, black, pink, purple, and orange-" "trump"

-"listen, idiotface"

-"do you think... the government is hiding the cure for cancer...?"

-i love government conspiracy theories during health

-"i... declare... bAnkrUptCY"

-"are we watching a movie?" "maybe if we're lucky it's the ring and it'll kill us"

-lmao i don't need drugs to feel numb

-"aww, flynn, we know you're drinkin' a bottle in the back room" "yeah, just look at ya, why wouldn't i?"

-The Weed™

-"weed stops your sperm from being produced correctly" "perfect, it's birth control too"

-"weed might shrink your... parts" "i think i'll just stick to meth"

-"weed might give you a special needs child" "it's wilson 2.0!"

-"i'm gonna be a drug dealer but not a mean one like a nice, happy 'eyy, wanna buy some drugs? :3'"

-oh no, grandma's growing weed in the basement

-"ahh, the weed's on fire"

-"guess that's how they caught the drug dealers. the deer were high"

-teacher: "ooh, i just sounded like yoda: don't smoke The Weed™"

-"hey, where can you buy a still? asking for a cousin"

-"raise your hand if you want to watch hentai"

-this guy keeps responding to people with "yes, my child?"

-"they put aborted fetuses in vaccines" "oh honey no"

-"how do you keep yourself from getting sick?" "stop breathing"

-examples of painkillers- "cocaine"

-"i know elvis presley is still alive because the king never dies"

-biggest drinker in our grade: "am i gonna be an alcoholic?" class: "you already are"

-c o m p r o m i s i n g  p o s i t i o n

-"trick question, i am hentai"

-"what would you do... if i said i could put you in your own hentai"

-"you're gettin' a hole in your nose oh my goodness"

-"depression" "nope" "wait... depression"

-"I can't remember the happiness i felt before drugs" "i can't remember feeling happiness at all"

-"oh you're back! just in time for meth"

-"oh my garage"

-"lotta meth in that town" "nah just incest"

-"it kills your brain cells. which some of you can't afford (staring directly at the class alcoholic)"

-"why do dentists have the highest suicide rate?? probably because everyone hates the dentist, i dunno"

-"that's accusations" "uuuuuhh no" "oh"

-"oh my gads. you got some meth?"

-"in the puss!" "terms" "sorry. vag!"

-"there's a pretty good chance that drug came out of someone's anal cavity" "that's why i don't do heroin"

-"hey, whose buttocks did this come out of?"

"i'm gonna go shoot myself with some dog food, brb"

-"oh my chicken pie"

-"i've been told we're gonna draw a penis"

-help they're genuinely discussing giving babies steroids

-"most of the female reproductive cells are useless" "just like my brain cells"

-the teacher keeps referring to developing babies as "little rat" and "alien creature"

-"if you eat my period snacks, i will eat you"

-*chiming* "is that santa??"

-"what's the only fluid that doesn't go to the baby?" "water" "no" "air" "no" "earth" "..." "fire"

-"you're supposed to snort those calcium pills" "don't snort the calcium pills"

-"mr. o'reilly, when'd you miss your period?"

-"is it true you puke the day after you get pregnant?" "no, if you puke the day after, it's from the alcohol the night before"

-fetus = jumbo shrimp

- i too, am a very sad lookin' heart

-"no, you cannot throw up your baby"

-"now that we've taken the baby home, we need to figure out what to do with it" "flush it down the toilet"

-"if you wear a hat all the time, all your hair is gonna fall out and die" "ha ha kevin, you're gonna die"

-"since i was 14. and i'm 112"

-"big dumb"

-"what do you want to be when you grow up?" "dead"

-"my parents say: 'hey... whatcha doin' with that 24-pack?'"

-"did jeffery dahmer's mom love him?" "hope not"

-"ohh i love the smell of babies *sniff sniff*"

-"they can be found in places that are... places"

-"why are there rotting apples under here?" "no you gotta let those ferment"

-"what's something you lose by age 3?" "hope"

-the guy in front of me had marvel porn on his phone????????????? hentai hulk's bright red ass is permanently ingrained in my mind

-"what am i supposed to do to live 2 more years? wrap myself in bubble wrap and eat brussel sprouts?"

-"for every 10 pounds overweight you are, subtract 1." "-50"

-"you're wearing a flamingo shirt, you're no one's favorite"

-"you don't snort viagra"

-"how do you feel about having guns in our home?" "how do you feel about how quickly i'd use it to kill myself?"

-"hey, 2 seniors walking down the hallway! wanna give her your papers?" "outta my way. hey! get back here and gimme your papers, ya bums."

-"it's not just the genitals that transfer STDs" "left calf"

-"what if they got an STD some other way?" "drinking sprite"

-"...serial monogamy-" "cereal is for mornings"

-"...trading sex for-" "chicken nugget"

-"you wanna try sex wearing a hazmat suit, go ahead" "don't kinkshame me"

-"STI: spaghetti time infection. it's an epidemic"

-"g- ross"

-"AIDS didn't come from sex with a monkey" "it's definitely about sex with monkeys"

-"what kinds of drugs do i need if i have AIDS?" "nothing, you wanna die"

-"do you know what they do to get rid of genital warts?" "chop your dick off" "mix wart cream with water and drink it"

-oh no they found out what they do get rid of genital warts

-"they shove a q-tip in your penis" "iiiiii'd rather die"

-"is that what tinder is? swipe right if you want crabs?"

-"i would suggest not setting your genitals on fire"

- "your penis doesn't do tricks"

-"do you have a driver's license? *nod* "do you have a car?" *nod* "are you a big boy?" *unsure nod*

-"i know it's only the last day but i will make you suffer for every last minute" "then i'll just do what i always do *sleeps*"

-our resident alcoholic was washing the board and people were jokingly flirting with him so he tied his shirt into a bikini and continued washing so the teacher docked him points for it. don't worry he was already failing

[askresponse]

Hello i have a question about STI and aids

A lot of people have questions about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV/AIDS. Many people wonder:

- “How do people get STIs and HIV/AIDS?”

- “How can I protect myself from getting STIs and HIV/AIDS?”

- “If I get an STI or HIV/AIDS am I gross? Will anyone want to have sex with me?”

- “How are STIs and HIV/AIDS treated? Where can I get treatment?”

Here are some basics that everyone should know:

STIs are extremely common and many sexually active will get an STI at some point in their life. Similar to other types of infections (i.e., strep throat, pink eye, ear infection, etc.), if someone tests positive for an STI, they can get a prescription from their doctor for medication to treat it. Most STIs can be cured, and all STIs can be treated, which means that most STIs will go away completely after taking medication. For the STIs that cannot be cured (HIV/AIDS, HPV, and herpes), medication can make the person’s symptoms go away and can prevent them from giving the STI to future sexual partners. So, it’s definitely possible for someone with an incurable STI to have a happy, healthy sex life if they take their medication as prescribed and practice safer sex.

STIs are transmitted when bodily fluids are exchanged between two people, generally during sexual activity. Bodily fluids include semen (“cum”), pre-ejaculate (“pre-cum”), vaginal fluids, blood, and breast milk. The most effective way to protect yourself against STI transmission is to not engage in any sexual contact. However, there are effective ways to protect yourself if you are sexually active:

- ALWAYS using a condom or latex barrier for vaginal, anal, and oral sex

- Get tested for STIs each time you have a new sexual partner

- Have an honest conversation with your partner about STIs and ask them to get tested before you have any sexual contact

Many people think that STIs have obvious symptoms, but that’s a myth! The most common symptom for STIs is no symptoms at all, which means that many people will not know that they have an STI unless they get tested. If left untreated, STIs can lead to long-term health concerns, so that’s why it’s important to get tested for STIs once you’re sexually active. There are a number of places you can go for testing, often low cost or free:

- Your doctor’s office

- CVS or Walgreens minute clinics (or other walk-in clinics)

- Planned Parenthood

- Howard Brown Health Centers

For more information about STIs in general, check out these resources:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/statistics/prevalence-2020-at-a-glance.htm

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/get-tested

https://howardbrown.org/

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-illinois

For more information about HIV and AIDS, check out this resource: https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/whatishiv.html

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 210: Delayed Rejection - It’s Fine Til it isn’t

First thing’s first, I did end up not getting ghosted ha! Kelsy started her herpes journey on Herpbler and was inspired by Ella Dawson’s anonymous profile there.

Kelsy became loud in her personal life and on social media about her herpes status. She shares a story about having flown out to meet with a guy she had been talking to. He introduced her to 25ish of his friends. They were intimate and the sex was average. Not getting oral is NOW a boundary for her, but she made an exception because he checked the boxes. He said he just needed time to be comfy with it. He got real quiet on her after the visit was over and she wondered why. He eventually shared he wasn’t comfortable with her having herpes and he’s a nurse too so he had the information.

We discuss how to navigate people saying they’re okay with us having herpes and then later not being okay with it. Managing the emotional labor with boundaries is key. They might already have herpes, but they just don’t know because of how tricky testing is as well as all the misinformation that’s out there making it challenging. So how do we REALLY know who’s okay with us having herpes? We don’t, man. It’s unfortunate but we are always taking a chance with someone. So all we can do is measure people’s actions and the consistency of that alongside their words. People are willing to unlearn stigma for themselves. We have to trust that.

What having herpes REALLY means is the same thing for any other condition. We learn to give our body the best opportunity to operate at its natural capacity. A health condition creates a baseline for us to work with. As herpes is a highlight to an underlying trigger, we speak to Kelsy’s suicide ideation after her diagnosis. We also speak to her fear of abandonment and the narrative “What’s wrong with me?” as the topic when not being chosen given one’s weight of your value as it relates to your herpes diagnosis. Having herpes added to her security in herself only because she was willing to explore this within herself.

Accepting my status doesn’t mean you’re a good person, and rejecting my status doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Don’t put all that weight onto someone accepting your diagnosis to the point where you overlook the red flags and other incompatibilities. Not wanting herpes is perfectly fine. Hell, I didn’t want herpes and here I am. It’s ok to not want herpes, what’s not ok is invalidating the wholeness of a person. I think this is an excellent follow up from episode 208 where I talk about '“lowering my voice” when it comes to having herpes and sharing what I do to keep those around me comfortable. It isn’t brave to be loud about our status, it’s confronting internalized stigma that is. I know I personally have some work to do around that for sure. Talking about sex is challenging and not “normal”. Filtering in people receptive to sexual health communication through sex positivity and people’s relationship to mental health leads to a higher likelihood of a positive disclosure and much more pleasant interaction. We get to a point where we have to stop caring so much about what other people think in the short term for the sake of our own bigger picture of wholeness.

We discuss how we can benefit from communicating about past challenges in relationships. Having the sexual health talk should be just as normal as speaking about past relationships. Another thing to consider is how we look at compatibilities outside just herpes status?

She also shared an experience she had disclosing her status to a health care worker who hadn’t known their herpes information. They were unaware that HSV1 can be genital story. WE ARE THE EXPERTS OF OUR EXPERIENCES! Take the opportunities to share experiences where it’s safe to do so for ya! Look at who has herpes that we’re NOT hearing from! Most people are okay with their status, don’t know or it just isn’t an issue for them. The younger folks navigating stigma correctly! They’re communicating, utilizing resources, becoming empowered far earlier than those before us. Now we have Safe Slut, Positively Positive, Shana Singleton, etc. TikTok… the list goes on.

The end of stigma isn’t a universal ending of stigma. It comes at an individual level to be shared as needed and within the communities of those who’ve ended it within themselves. For Kelsy, it took 6-7 years to hit up a therapist in regards to the trauma that came from the relationship/person who gave her herpes. Empowerment and taking care of yourself is asking people about their status despite being someone positive in their status. Value yourself! Having a support system, their friend, and resources helped her not end her life. @herp3tic Goddess