seltzerforever

[seltzerforever]

I think I really will unfortunately love you until the day I die

[seltzerforever]

I miss you. Wow.

[seltzerforever]

I’m tired.

[seltzerforever]

I don’t want you back anymore.

[seltzerforever]

I nearly died two times in 2018. Once on September 7th, and once on November 14th. I went away to treatment on September 13th, thought I was patched up enough to continue my journey on November 12th, and then was sadly mistaken when I tried to kill myself again and had to return to treatment. 

3 whole months of my life were taken from me. Not taken, because... I was alive, and I did work... But everything in the real world was halted so I could learn how to function as a proper human being. 2018 has been the scariest, saddest, most horrible year of my life, and I’m still trying to recover from it. 

I hope I am strong enough to continue with the coping skills that I’ve learned. I thought I was so beyond this sort of behavior and loss of lust for life, but depression is something I let you mute for 3 years. It was amazing but left me unprepared for the intensity that my brain can get to without support. 

I hope this sticks. Because I need it to. Because if it doesn’t I will die. 

[seltzerforever]

Molly Rae, 

I’ve been avoiding this for quite some time now. I think I’ve known that its what i have to do, and have found myself holding on so desperately, that I haven’t been able to. With this, it will all become too real, which is exactly the last thing that I want this to be. I can’t write about you anymore. I actually can barely do much of anything at all anymore. Everything I’ve been asked to write has been pushed away or prolonged because the second any assignment gets to you, or the you that I remember, I freeze. I don’t know how to begin this... I don’t want to begin this. There is a part of me that enjoys the sadness because it just makes sense...With the moments I’m not sad, I struggle to understand how that could possibly be, because if you’re not a part of me, how on earth can everything feel alright? There are bits of me that tell me I need to hurt, that I need to mourn the loss of us for the both of us since you are unable to. I am holding on the hope for two because I feel if I don’t, its an insult to what we were. If I let go, I’m disregarding all that you’ve done for me and all that I’ve done for you. 

If I let go, our memories and laughter begin to blur, and my stability no longer is sure anymore. If I say goodbye, I’m losing all hope, all inside jokes, all the touching, teaching, and exploring. If I let go, I’m abandoning the most enjoyable memories of my life, the best person in my life and the one being who taught me and aided me in becoming who I truly am. There is too much tied to you to let go. I don’t know how to and I really don’t want to, because then it really means its all done. It really means that I have to say goodbye to the most genuine, loving, beautiful, hilarious, and caring person I’ve ever met. I’ll have to cut off a piece of me in the process, and actually see what the world without you looks like for the first time in 4 years. 

If I say goodbye all of our vacations slip away. All of the tearful love making and continuous whispers about the rest of our lives together were all false, and Molly and Max will never be. If I say goodbye, I’ll no longer have the right to daydream about you coming back. I won’t be able to take you to France and propose to you. I won’t be able to get you sewing lessons and interlock our fingers together as you walk me through all of the art galleries. If I say goodbye to you, the thought of you walking down the aisle of your old backyard in Cherry Valley will shrivel up, and the smile that comes to my face when I think about those big treeth, and never-ending pits of eyes you have will go away. If I say goodbye, the future that I’d envisioned for the past 4 years will become skewed and I won’t get to ever spend a Christmas at your moms with our two children. I won’t get to watch you become all that you’re meant to, or get to see the goofy face you make when you’re feeling funny. I won’t get to hold you so tightly ever again and feel in utter disbelief as to how I get to spend my time with the most wonderful thing this world has to offer. If I say goodbye, I’m saying goodbye to the thousands of exploding suns in my heart as I simply sit next to you, and your smell. If I say goodbye, I will no longer get to see the dried up orange paint lodged under your fingernails, or graze my lips over the delicate faint scar on your lower stomach. If I say goodbye, the thought of your wiggling happy toes in the morning will no longer send me into space, and the visions of you in all the wonderfulness that you are will no longer be. If I say goodbye this will all become too real, and that is why I have to say goodbye. Because this is real. What we were is what we were, and not who we are anymore. All of these things happened and overflowed me with feelings I am incapable of verbalizing because they were just that unbelievably enjoyable. Everything that happened - all the good and all of the bad happened. You and I put us to rest and it was and still is necessary regardless of the pain that inflicts me completely from head to toe, inside and out. Nothing is regretted, not a single smidge of what we’ve done. We are exactly where we are supposed to be at this current moment in time whether its what I’d like or not. 

The void of you is unimaginable, and it can never be stuffed back and stitched up whole again. It can never be replaced, but it can be healed. It can offer space for something else, and make room for all that is left to come into my life in the years to come. I will forever miss my best friend regardless of this chapters closing. My hand will still search for yours in the middle of the night and my eyes will still yearn to see the dimples of your lower back. My fingertips won’t forget the dips of your hips or the crease of your chin. My tongue will miss yours as they dance together, and the warmth of your neck. I will never forget how I couldn’t bear washing my sheets because the thought of your dead skin left behind put my mind at ease. The wave of you will forever collide into me. Sometimes I’m sure only grazing my toes, and others swallowing me whole. I will remember who you were then, and smile, and know that the you that you’ve become now is entirely different. I want to be here for you forever, and never let another person or yourself cause you harm, but I can no longer continue to sit here and wait as I dissolve into nothingness. I am so much more than what I’ve been recently, and we both confidently know it. I don’t want to say goodbye and that is why I need to say goodbye. I need to say goodbye so happiness no longer registers to me as a disappointment under construction. I need to say goodbye so I can remember the good and understand the bad. I can accept all that has happened and be aware of the change that has occurred inside of you and inside of us. By saying goodbye, I can finally allow myself to stop romanticizing what we were, and remember the sickness that drove me to terminate this relationship back in July. By saying goodbye, I can stop blaming the hurt you doused me in on your bipolar disorder alone, and realize that unhealthy or not, your physical vessel of a body caused me unimaginable pain. Sick or not, it was still you that tortured me emotionally in the weeks following our demise. 

It was you, Molly, that had unprotected sex only three days after we broke up. It was you, Molly, that looked me in the eyes and exclaimed that there hadn’t been a time that you’d been happier with hickeys covering your neck entirely. It was you, Molly, that told me in order to have sex with you again, that I would have to force myself to engage physically with others first. it was you, Molly, who went back on your word and told me you could handle having sex with me regardless. It was you, Molly, that told me the sore on your lips that you’d received from the girl you had been with only days after me was not transferable. It was you, Molly, who gave me genital herpes, covered my gums and throat entirely in sores and left me unable to walk for a week straight with a 103 fever. It was you, Molly, that when told what you had given me, exclaimed that it was closure for you. That upon hearing what I had contracted, you were finally able to eat again, because it was the first conversation that wasn’t about us and solely about me since our breakup. It was you, Molly, that told me not to talk to you for two weeks after, to give you space to actually see if you’d miss me at all. It was you, Molly, who came back home from Ohio and said you didn’t want to see me. It was you, Molly, that made countless advances on me and only called me baby the entirety of Liz’s birthday party. It was you, Molly, who continuously rubbed my leg and inched closer to me no matter the number of times I moved further away. It was you, Molly, that did not respect my blatant and very clear boundaries when I told you I didn’t want you touching me. It was you, Molly, that after consuming an entire bottle of champagne, two gin and tonics, a shot of rum, a shot of whiskey, and cocaine you’d found in the trash continued to ask me to make out with you. It was you, Molly, that disregarded all of my attempts to not engage with you, and it was you, Molly, that I took home and let you sleep in my bed due to the state you were in after you’d topped off your recklessness with a Xanax that night. It was you, Molly, that no longer had any sign of the Molly that I used to know when I awoke to those hollow black eyes the following morning. It was you, Molly, that continued to tell me in such detail about the many, many sexual relations you’d had in the two weeks after our relationship. It was you, Molly, that lacked a filter and regardless of my begging, regardless of the many topic changes I attempted, then proceeded to show me texts of those you’d asked to come fuck you in the house I’d just moved out of. It was you, Molly, that told me you liked someone else that morning, and that you were so relieved that we could now just be friends that fucked. It was you, Molly, who continued commenting inappropriate things on all of my pictures, marking a territory that was no longer yours to mark. It was you, Molly, that made me entirely sure that my decision to leave us behind had been the right one. It was you, Molly, who made me remember what it felt like to be worthless and unwanted. It was you, Molly, that due to your sickness or not, became completely unrecognizable. It is you, Molly, who is sick beyond my repair. It is you, Molly, that now has to figure out how to fix yourself, because I’ve done all that I could’ve. It is you, Molly, who I am leaving behind now. It is you, Molly, who I am saying goodbye to. 

I’ve rolled through the many stages of grief numerous times thus far. So much so that I’ve accepted that this now is what is now. I’m disappointed for sure. I’m let down and pretty bruised up. But I am okay. My ears don’t emit steam when I think about the month of August, and my stomach no longer caves in on itself to imagine all of the others that get to experience what was once so safe, and sacred to me. I am thankful that you were a part of my life, and that I got to experience what it felt like to have somebody run through my veins. I was lucky enough to witness a love I’d never imagined possible, and the bad does not negate the things that you have helped me overcome and become throughout our journey together. I’ve always said that you were the love of all of my lives, and I’m not taking it back. You were without a doubt a love of this life of mine, but that doesn’t mean the only or the last. Saying goodbye will not put a halt to my love, but I can only hope that it dims it down. I have accepted that this is necessary, and can confidently say that I no longer want you nor need you in the ways I once did. I genuinely and completely want for you to find the control that you’ve misplaced, for you to wear the smile that I met you with – the one bursting with confidence, independence, and joy. And most importantly, I want you to work through any and all troubles, and surround yourself with those that are worth your time and respect you as you should be respected. I love you, I love you, I love you and I don’t want to say goodbye, but I am ready to. Because loving you has grown unhealthy for me. Loving you has become too tiring and I need to come first. You will find goodness, as will I, and if we’re lucky, our paths might cross in the far future. 

Thank you for teaching me to no longer run away. Thank you for teaching me how to stick up for myself. Thank you for showing me how important and special communication can be. Thank you for allowing me to become a part of your family. Thank you for showing me a different outlook on life and all of the amazing colors that it is filled with.  Thank you for showing me how to love my body and to appreciate it for all that it has done thus far. Thank you for being so understanding, and listening when my mind made it hard for me to understand myself. You made it possible for Max to emerge from the ashes and aided me in evolving with your protection, acceptance, and support. Thank you for the laughter, thank you for the tears, and thank you for allowing me the time I was able to experience by your side. You, if anyone, were placed into my life with reason and a purpose. We’ve grown so much together, and all of the pain and aftermath that I endured could never make me regretful. I lived 3 beautiful years with you before we both went through such monumental things of our own. things that no one could have prepared us for. Three insanely bright years before neither of us held any more capacity to focus on “us” and only separately on ourselves. 

I do not regret parting ways with you any longer or hold blame and responsibility for it all alone. We each had involvement and did our absolute best. We tried so hard and got to explore so much. You are the best friend I’ve ever had. 

I wish you all of the clementines, hues of yellow, and mismatching patterns you can get your hands on. I wish you perogies galore, books from Brooklyn’s stoops, and trinkets upon trinkets from all of the yard sales. I wish you all of the goodness and out-of-control beauty that this world has in stock for you. I loved you then, and I love you now. Until our next lives where we can embrace our love once again...

Goodbye

Max

[seltzerforever]

Everyday feels like it was 2 weeks ago. Just yesterday I was telling myself that I didn’t need to or want to write about you anymore. I’m trying to focus on bringing what I want into my life by visualizing and asking the universe, and feeling confident and without doubt that it will happen. It’s a lot harder than it’s said in the book, because my mind is constantly second guessing itself and circulating.

I meditated this morning. It was nice. It was the first time in a week that I slept back in my bed, and sure enough I had dreams of you the entire time. I guess I’m back on the couch. I don’t know if I wrote about that here? I was having very bad dreams and very bad sleep patterns. I was having night sweats and waking up tired and nauseous and running to the bathroom from my torturous dreams. Leigho suggested that I try sleeping on the couch or moving my pillows to the end of the bed. She said Jimmy gets night terrors and a change of scenery helps him.

Anyway, I’ve been sleeping on the couch and it has actually been helping, but I keep feeling really bad for binx lol. I’ve actually felt bad for binx throughout the entirety of all of this. He’s just so confused as to what the fuck I’m doing.

Today is hard because it marks 1 year since my top surgery. When I think about my top surgery I think about you more than I even think about me, because I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you. I am so fucking thankful for you… You helped me be me in every which way mentally and physically. I could never thank you enough. I can’t stop thinking about how caring you were and how much love you had for me and theres a choking in my throat thats happening and my eyes are tearing just thinking about the ways you used to care for me.

I will love you whether I’m happy as hell and married with children. I will wonder about you and hope you come back for the rest of my life. I’m not being dramatic. It’s the truth. I love you so much and it hurts so badly.

I am so happy with every other aspect of my life. My job, my appearance, my house, my family, my friends, my talents, E V E R Y T H I N G. Except you. There are some days where I do so well. I’m so confident that things will work their way out, and then there are days like today, where my heart is broken in two and I feel like throwing it up and being put to sleep until the day you come back.

I miss you especially hard today. It’s a rainy old scabainey, and I fucking miss you like hell. You took care of me better than anyone on this planet. You loved me more than words could tell, and I was too closed minded and wrapped up in my own problems to give back. I’d like to think I helped with getting you the help you needed. Reaching out to your mom and making sure we found a list of therapists…pushing you to call… giving you support… I did try… I hope you don’t think I didn’t care about you at all. I hope to god that I showed you how much I fucking adore you enough after our break up at least. I want you to come back.

Please universe, listen. I want to be in a loving monogamous relationship again with Molly. I want us both to be happy, and healthy, and strong. My love for you came back too late. I understand. Please don’t let me be replaceable. I would do anything for you in the world.

Thank you. Fuck. Thank you for taking care of me. And being the most amazing thing on this planet… Then. Not now. For whatever reasons you have whether it be your mental health or that you were just too far neglected and need to act out and separate yourself from me…. You’re not Molly. And I can’t be the only one who realizes that.

I fucking love you.

[seltzerforever]

Your mom is so sweet.

She sent me “The Secret” a few weeks ago, and I hadn’t been in the correct mind state to pick it up or concentrate on anything but you, really. I’ve picked it up this morning and it’s really eye-opening. It’s giving me a really amazing outlook on life and the way that I can control my own feelings.

When I’m feeling bad feelings, I need to say, you’re feeling bad feelings because you’re thinking of bad thoughts. It’s probably not that simple and will take some getting used to and working on, but instead, I can desperately try to think of good thoughts. Instead of crying out that I don’t want this to happen anymore, I’m going to try to say what I do want to happen. I know this isn’t all new news, I know your mom has been doing this for so long. I know that you believe in putting things out into the universe and that we’ve practiced lightly on this technique, but reading it is really eye-opening.

I am so confident, I get compliments constantly and that's because this whole time I’ve been dying to feel confident. I’ve been looking at all these boys I wanted to look like, and desperately hoping that I did, in turn, look like them eventually. I thrive at my job because I picture myself there. I got with you in the first place because I unknowingly was concentrating on us being together before I’d go to bed. I’d picture scenes of us kissing and having fun and that's exactly what we’d end up doing. Every job I’ve ever had I’ve pictured myself there. It all makes sense!!!

I don’t know if it’ll just be smooth sailing from here on out or anything, but I’m excited. And I think it’s real, and I believe that I can do anything. I will only grow from here on out.

[seltzerforever]

I am something that is hard to lose. I am one of a kind. I am extremely funny, charismatic, and one of the most caring people I have ever met in my entire life. I will drop anything and everything for any of my friends. I am something to be missed. I am particular and rare to come across. 

I would miss me. So would so many others had they lost me. I am so important. 

[seltzerforever]

This song is interesting and doesn’t make me think of you, actually. It makes me think of me. I feel this song would be hard for someone to listen to had they lost me, instead of me losing them. 

It makes me sort of at peace? It makes me think of myself as something someone would want. It’s interesting and I don’t think I’ve ever found a song quite like it that makes me realize what it would be like to lose myself. 

I've been watching you For some time Can't stop staring At those oceans eyes Burning cities And napalm skies Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes Your ocean eyes

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you gimme those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Falling into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes

I've been walking through A world gone blind Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time He left her lonely with a diamond mind And those ocean eyes

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you gimme those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Falling into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes

[seltzerforever]

You’re not my dream girl You’re not my reality girl You’re my dreams-come-true-girl All the troubles in my past That’s just what they are And all the delusions that took host then passed Have only made my immunity strong I’ve been blessed Your eyes are two moons I hope this voyage Will not be ending very soon To scry in orbit With these mirrors of perfection To die in the arms Of your affection What land is this? May I never wake… You’re not my dream girl You’re not my reality girl You’re my dreams-come-true-girl

[seltzerforever]

We move like cagey tigers We couldn't get closer than this The way we walk The way we talk The way we stalk The way we kiss We slip through the streets While everyone sleeps Getting bigger and sleeker And wider and brighter We bite and scratch and scream all night Let's go and throw All the songs we know

Into the sea You and me All these years and no one heard I'll show you in spring It's a treacherous thing We missed you hissed the lovecats We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully Wonderfully pretty! Oh you know that I'd do anything for you  We should have each other to tea huh? We should have each other with cream Then curl up by the fire And sleep for a while It's the grooviest thing It's the perfect dream

into the sea You and me All these years and no one heard I'll show you in spring It's a treacherous thing We missed you hissed the lovecats We missed you hissed the lovecats We missed you hissed the lovecats We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully Wonderfully pretty! You know that I'd do anything for you We should have each other to dinner We should have each other with cream Then curl up in the fire Get up for a while It's the grooviest thing It's the perfect dream

Hand in hand Is the only way to land And always the right way round Not broken in pieces Like hated little meeces How could we miss Someone as dumb as this? I love you, let's go Oh, solid gone How could we miss Someone as dumb as this?

[seltzerforever]

I think about you with everything I do…. Every. Single. Thing. You are on my mind. Why now is right, Molly.

There is a lot of regrets and “what if’s” that haunt my head, though I know better than to dwell on the past and am truly a firm believer of “everything happens for a reason”. How was I so blind for so long. It’s so crazy to think about what your brain is capable of. I was completely shut off. I didn’t have any feelings, I wasn’t even excited to go home in fear that the house was going to look like a bomb shelter, and there would be a crying, unhygienic girl sitting on the couch exclaiming that she had nothing to live for and didn’t know what she was going to do with her life. I was the only outlet you had at the time and I hate myself so much sometimes for not being able to be there for you. I am so fucking upset with myself that I couldn’t drop everything to be there for you when you needed me the most. You were there for me through everything, even though your sickness you would try to be so open with your communication and tell me everything that you needed from me.

I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. Sorrier than I have ever been to anyone in any situation ever. I am full of regret and anger that I couldn’t get my brain in check. That I didn’t even realize that my brain wasn’t in check. I knew… We both knew… We could see how I’d shut out the conversations surrounding my lack of affection. It all makes sense that this blew so far out of the water and I guess that’s what kills me the most… That it could’ve been preventable had I fucking understood that I needed help and needed a different sort of therapy months and months ago.

I am so sorry that I made you feel hurt and unwanted when you’re the one true thing I’ve ever wanted so selflessly and completely. There wasn’t a close enough contact I could get with you. Even when we’d make love I’d want to curl up entirely inside of you. Our tongues rubbing together and our saliva colliding, our skin brushing off on each other wasn’t enough. I needed your spit in my stomach and the dirt from your fingernails tucked into my own. I wouldn’t want to wash my sheets because I knew they had been covered entirely by you. I wouldn’t want to shower after we fucked because you were all over me. It’s all I feel, it consumes me and it kills me. How could I have let something so special to me slip through my fingers? I want every single bit of you the way I used to before I got so consumed and eaten whole by my own head.

I thought my brain was so much stronger than it proved to be. I prided myself on understanding how the gears in my head turned and were so happy that I could oil up the parts that ground and screeched. I was blind. I’m so regretful. Though I know that you can’t change the past, and I know that this all had to happen for both of us. I didn’t know how to deal with what I was going through… No one could really prepare me for that. I tried to reach out desperately to other trans people. Hopeful I would meet just one person that wholly understood where I was coming from, and the fear of feeling alone, the lack of response I got that matched up so perfectly to my own head was defeating.

I didn’t realize it then because everything in my life was so perfect, but I was going through the motions. Blacking out the fact that I didn’t like who I was looking at. Afraid that I’d never love myself the way I used to, even though there wasn’t ever a complete love I felt for myself. I’d pick apart every inch of my face, and none of the changes moved fast enough. My voice wasn’t deep enough, there wasn’t enough facial hair, there wasn’t enough bottom growth. My sides were still curvy and my stomach lacked a happy trail …. Everything.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

It doesn’t take away the hurt I feel now, but it partially makes me blame myself for all of it even though I’m well aware that there were other contributing factors as well. I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. Together or apart I hope that we can both be happy and healthy, but it is so hard to envision you not in my future. It is so fucking hard. You are so special to me.

[seltzerforever]

I want to buy endless disposable cameras and just take pictures of each other's naked bodies constantly. I want a whole album of us for the future. I am finally so confident in my skin that I want to do the wildest things and break out of the boundaries that I’ve held for myself sexually for so long. 

For as long as I can remember I’ve had hold-ups during sex. Whether I didn’t feel I was in the correct body, didn’t feel that the parts I had were normal for even the gender I was at the time, insecurities about my breasts, feeling like I wasn’t experienced enough, etc. 

I fucking love my body. I love the sex I’m capable of having now and all I want to do is experience and explore that. I still have an interesting complex when it comes to having sex with just anybody, and I’m not forcing myself to explore that should I not want to, but I’m sort of eager. 

I just have a very particular want when it comes to having sex with someone. I’m very very attracted to a highly female body and find uncomfort when it’s anything but. 

[seltzerforever]

Do I even take you back should you want? I don’t think there's an option, but I’d be embarrassed with how everyone thinks you’re broken and falling off the deep end. I guess just like you have a fear of people thinking something about two people getting back together, I have to push that away should you be in a better headspace when and if that time comes.

[seltzerforever]

I want to get endless sex toys with you. Anything that piques our interest in the store to try out with one another. I want to try anything and everything we ever even thought of doing and treat ourselves sexually the way we always wished we could.

I guess you’re already doing that, yeah? I feel a little sick about that… And maybe I should stop hoping it’s you and I that get to explore, because I might’ve already been replaced by now.