#how did I manage to effectively isolate myself from even my god damn family who I am with every second of almost every day

[rabbit-bf]

I know I get mildly annoying when I’m fixated on something but shit. I didn’t think it was enough for my mom to tell me to shut up about it. But apparently it has been. She sat there and begged me to talk about anything else besides EverymanHybrid and when I half jokingly said I could explain Marble Hornets to her she groaned and put her face in her hands.

This has confirmed the theory I’ve had over the past few weeks that I’ve just been an utterly miserable friend lately. Everyone has stopped replying when I talk about it because it’s all I can fucking talk about. It is literally the only thing I can make a real conversation out of, besides KI and I know everyone’s tired as fuck of me talking about that already. It’s the only thing bringing me joy right now, I didn’t even realize how absolutely truly insufferable I was being. I am so horrible at being considerate at other people I swear to god I have got to get less self centered. What have I been doing the past two months.

[koholinthibiscus]

My Tumblr Journey and mental health

What the hell is this?  Where am I? What do I do and how do I do it?

You often hear of people getting to their 30′s and feeling more comfortable in their skin and just owning, accepting and loving themselves.  Well, maybe it’s because I need psychotherapy, and maybe it’s because I’ve come into adulthood in a period with huge economic and political upheaval as well as a pandemic; but I don’t feel that way.  I feel simultaneously old and young.  clueless about young things (like tmblr) and clueless about old things (like mortgages... even though I have one) 

I’ve deleted Facebook and use twitter sparingly these days so the reason joined this site is to purely vent.  To write my thoughts out and send them into the internet ether to languish, probably ignored.  But just getting it out might make all the difference to my physical and mental well being so I’m just going to give it a shot and see where things go. 

I feel terribly alone and isolated.  I have a type of social anxiety that you probably wouldn't notice.  You might just think I’m an idiot or a bitch.  You might barely acknowledge my existence.  I’m pretty average so I may not register.  But when I’m done talking I will think and think and think about it.  How did I come across?  why the fuck did I say that?  You think I’m a fucking idiot don’t you?  I will simply torture myself forever and ever.  And I avoid social interaction, especially with new people, as much as I can.  I can just about manage in a workplace setting but all my energy for this is taken up with that. 

I feel unheard, unseen and unsatisfied.  I feel a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest.  I feel exhausted and headachey most of the time.  I can’t bear this current situation.  I have a visceral hate for my country.  I can’t bear sad news.  I can’t cope with news that implicates humans as ignorant, unsympathetic, inhumane creatures.  I feel deep sadness at the existential threat our planet faces and confusion and sadness when I realise that barely anyone in my real life feels the same urgency and guilt.  I have changed my lifestyle (probably not enough) to try and alleviate the guilt but it hasn’t worked.  

So I get into things to try and distract myself; fandoms, stories, subjects, video games, novels and I feel sad about it because I feel useless “not good at it” or that they’re a waste of time.  I hate myself so much that my hobbies make me sad. How stupid is that?  I’ve recently been getting into DnD during lock down and watching critical role.  I enjoy it but it makes me sooooo sad and jealous that I don’t have a strong friend group like that who can enjoy playing DnD with the same level of fun, ease and camaraderie.  It literally hurts my heart and I’ve been feeling weird for days.  So I’ve tried to make myself better by consuming things.  I’ve bought a new set of dice and bought some unrelated books.  

I skip from one subject or thing to the next feeling unsatisfied and discontent.  I don’t practice things, I don’t finish things.  I give up. And I feel like I’m giving up at life. I am lazy and stupid.  My hobbies, likes and interests feel like a plaster over a gaping wound and was working but it’s not any more. Getting lost in a fantasy world just makes me feel sad I can’t create my own or be with a group of friends, either on line or on person where I can create together. 

I am petrified of parent hood.  I have an amazing 3 year old.  She is a marvel. But I have a constant dread of failing her. Doing too much, doing too little.  I want her to strive for happiness.  Take on hard things, work at things till she’s good at them, whatever it may be.  I honestly don’t care what as long as she enjoys it, has a passion for it and is ultimately happy.  I want to push her, but I don’t want to push her too much.  I worry about sending wrong messages.  I worry about not doing enough with her.  I do not want to bring her up the way that my mother brought me up. I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes. 

I’m ultimately a kind person who is trying their best but can’t unleash my true potential due to depression, anxiety and self-confidence issues.  I get so angry and sad at people who don’t follow the same ideals as me.  which.... isn’t ideal.  I can’t stand TERFs, racists, ableists, misogynists, right wing people, climate change deniers, ignorant people.  I can’t stand it when people think that poor people only have themselves to blame.  I hate capitalism and colonialism.  I want to change the way the world operates even if it is to my detriment as a white CIS English women living in comfort.  I feel trapped in suburbia where nothing changes and no one looks or is different.  

I don’t mean to fetishize certain communities with that statement and I reliaze that it’s probably ignorant of me to suggest that everyone is the same too, given that I struggle to interact with people.  And I’m not suggesting that I’m some sort of special flower  or that ‘I’m not like other women’ (eeww) either, I know there are people out there I would probably get on with but like I say, I struggle.

It frustrates me when people don’t feel the same way politically.  I think that people’s politics are based on their morals so I struggle with conservatives for example.  I don’t understand them or where they come from.  I want things that people need to be owned by the public and free at the point of access, healthcare being the main one and I fear for the future of the NHS.  Yes, even if it means higher taxes (but I obviously want the super rich taxed more) I don’t believe billionaires should exist.  I want universal basic income.  If the human race keeps breeding, if we keep suffering from pandemics, if we progress technologically to the point where mechanization is even more prevalent, we will not need people to have jobs.  We need UBI to level the playing field.  And I want a vegan world.  All of the above makes my head swim with anger and despair.  What type of world will my child have to endure when she gets to my age?  I fucking hope it’s better than this.  I can honestly say that I believe I am on the right side of history with my politics.  It is ultimately about being kind and humane.  But no... I’m probably seen as a soft SJW snowflake keyboard warrior twat by my family (which is why I went off facebook).  Even though I have a masters in Gender studies and a career in social justice work, but sure, I’m just after the ‘internet points’ or want to look ‘woke’.  I feel like not many people truly know me and if they do know all of the above and don’t like what  they see,  I don’t know man, that kills me.  I want people to think well of me. I want people to think I am a good person. 

I could yap on for ages about this honestly but it would make little sense.

I think I wanted to start this as a place to get my feelings down because I am starting a journey of therapy soon.  My sessions should begin in September but I feel the need to get stuff out now.  I’m having a bit of a shit time in my head right now and I felt like I would burst. 

I’m already worried that I will appear stupid and self centered.  There is nothing particularly wrong with my life.  I have a good job that I love but am also petrified of it and of getting it wrong so I self sabotage, worry and don’t believe in my abilities and I’ve been doing that since college.  (I need to un pack how I feel about work and my actions around it, I have a lot of thoughts, maybe for another time) 

I pick the spots on my face till they become angry red welts, I pick the skin around my nails till they get infected and then I hate myself for how I look, even though it was my fault in the first place.  I don’t shower, don’t wash my face, don’t get enough sleep then look in the mirror and see my greasy lank hair, baggy grey eyes and bad skin and I just hate myself.  Is this an analogy for the entirety of my personality? I am my own worst enemy and I need to give myself a fucking break.  Easier said than done. 

Things to unpack in therapy: 

My work 

My politics and how I interact, deal with people who don’t feel the same way as me

My child hood and family dynamics - It’s fucked up y’all. 

My Child

My husband 

My past relationship

The sick thing I do at night when i think about horrible things, like the death of my child for no god damn reason. (Is it punishment?) 

It’s frustrating being so aware of my issues and not feeling able to do anything about it. 

It’s probably an effect of lock down but I have been feeling really bad consistently for a very long period of time now and it’s exhausting.  I always have peaks and troughs, feel great to OK for sometimes a good few months then it just comes down on me like a bag of hammers and I feel like death for 2-4 weeks.  

I’ve been having those hiccups more often and for longer.  I’m so fucking tired man.  A couple of months ago a I had a terrible headache for 4 days, could barely move and felt tearful all the time.  I just thought it was a migraine attack at the time (which I very very rarely have) but I coincided with a particular event that I’m not ready to talk about (It’s really not that juicy it’s quite fucking pathetic actually) and I think it was a major depressive episode. 

I think I’m done now, I’m emotionally exhausted after reading this through and my throat hurts from trying not to cry.  Maybe this is the start of my tumblr journey maybe I’ll delete it all in a few days I don’t know.  I had to try something. 

[the-brazen-gear-blog]

What My Depression Taught Me

Almost a year ago, I was walking to Starbucks. I got to these stairs which lead to the building Starbucks is in, and I sat down on them because I couldn’t make it the next thirty steps to get my coffee.

I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous. But what you don’t see from the outside is the battle I had already fought before I left my front door. That particular morning the giant cinder block that keeps me in my bed was especially heavy, but I lifted it. The walk to the bathroom felt like a thousand miles, but I walked it. The effort it took to shower was too much, and I sat down on the shower floor and cried for half-an-hour, but by the end of it, I was clean. By the time I had done the most basic of tasks I was already exhausted.. and I mean exhausted. So when I saw these stairs and realized I didn’t have the strength for one more step, I sat, and I cried. That was the moment I realized I needed to take a semester off school. I had gone to about three of my lectures, total, in the first three weeks of school, and now it was time to admit defeat. Admitting that I couldn’t do school was one of the hardest and most humbling experiences of my life. I have always had a large part of my identity held in being “that smart girl” or “the one who graduated early” or “the homeschooled girl”. It was devastating to my pride to have to admit that I couldn’t handle the three classes I had signed up for, let alone the honours program that I had been enrolled in a few months prior. 

Now, I don’t say any of this to make you feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me. I’m an incredibly privileged physically able straight white cis-woman from an upper-middle class family. I realize that I have an easy life compared to most people on this earth. I say this to give you some background to what I’ve learned in the past year, and the incredible, terrifying, strengthening journey I’ve been on. 

1) A support system can come from anywhere

My core support system consists of the expected people, like my mom and dad and my best friend.. but it also includes my mom’s friend from University, my voice teacher from high school, the parents of my piano and voice students, my theatre professor, and my friend from first year Chemistry. Now, of course, I count all of these people as close friends now but I am only around a few of them on a regular basis. Even so, together they have managed to pull me through some really hard times. If you don’t have a family that you can go to about these things, or you feel like you have a hard time making friends, your support system can be found anywhere. 

2) There is a major difference between being lazy and being depressed, but they aren’t mutually exclusive. 

This year has been, and continues to be, a time for major life lessons. One of those lessons is that sometimes, I am lazy, and I need to work on that. Because I felt as though I had a “legit excuse” for skipping class, and skipping work, and skipping out on plans, I did it all of the time. My “legit excuse” was really only legit about half of the time. The other half of the time I just used my depression as a way out of something I didn’t want to do. I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time, but looking back I can see the difference between the two. It is incredibly important to find the balance between self-care/self-love and just being selfish. Mental health days are real, and they are necessary, and sometimes you genuinely cannot get out of bed.. but if you use that excuse on days where you just don’t want to get out of bed, you quickly become the boy who cried wolf and even help perpetuate the stigma of Depression=Lazy. 

3) Hard work and mediocre grades are so much more satisfying that lazy work and good grades.

As I mentioned before, school has always been my thing. I was homeschooled, I planned my own curriculums, I finished my high school coursework when I was 15. Grades come really easy to me, just like how socializing comes easily to other people (pretty sure that’s just witchcraft though). This year went from me doing ballet twirls through stacks of A+’s and sometimes putting aside the time to pretend to study, to me becoming a rhino violently thrashing through the Killam Library for hours every day trying to find some kind of ability to focus and ending up with C’s. And I am so damn proud of those C’s. 

4) A freshly made bed makes the world a better place.

Even if you get right back into said bed. 

5) So does a luxurious shower.

It’s hard to be sad when you are a soft, good smelling, clean and shiny god/goddess. It’s also a lot easier to go outside once you feel clean and shiny and good. 

6) Motivation is a privilege, not a given. Don’t take it for granted.

I am so, so happy to say that after lots of adjustments, and “new pill” side effect flus, I have found a combination that works. I am motivated. I have been up and doing things before noon almost every day for the past month. Waking up and wanting to do something, anything, is incredible. I will never again take that feeling for granted. I will get up, and do as much as I possibly can, so that if the bad days come again, I haven't wasted the good days.

7) Daily gratefulness isn’t just some yuppy thing. It actually does help. 

I have a home. I have food. I have access to medications and therapy. I have parents that can help me out financially so I can afford to not work or do school for a semester. My body is healthy even when my mind is not. I am able to go to university. I have a good, healthy family situation.There are so many things that I can be grateful for.

8) Solitude can be really, really healthy.

Wandering through a Chapters by yourself, looking at, smelling, and basking in being surrounded by books isn’t weird. 

...okay maybe it is but it’s still incredibly soothing. 

9)  People are generally kind.

The amount of support I have received from acquaintances, old friends, employers, even some strangers, has been incredible. Watching the news, it can sometimes feel like the world is evil and scary and bad.. but people surprise you and come through in unexpected ways. 10) I am strong. Really really f***ing strong. 

I have battled my own brain with a complete lack of motivation, irritability, wanting to isolate my self, wanting to never leave my room again, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety attacks. It’s not easy to fight off thoughts of your own death with a stick made out of anxiety and the granola bars you’ve been eating for four days because you can’t leave your house to get groceries. But I did it. I’m present. I’m about to go shower and do some work. I weathered a violent storm in the middle of the ocean, and came back in one piece. 

Yesterday, I walked out of Starbucks with a delicious Frappuccino after working on a website, creating a budget for myself and for my new company, talking with a new potential roommate, and generally working really hard. I sat on these stairs and realized how far I’ve come in the past year.

I am alive, I am vibrant, and I am proud.

[mandaani]

Know Yourself in Detail

Hello guys, how are you, I hope you guys are really really well. In this article, I am going to describe myself in pretty detail. From my SWOT, Hobbies or interest, where I come from, Education and many more. This article I make to not just to make you guys know about me, but through this article, I want to know more about myself too, and try to explore it through make it in an article. Why? Because I can explore more about something when I can write it. Btw, after this one, I hope you guys too will post about you, hence we can know each other deeply, even we are never meet.

Okay lets begin.

My name is Meri Andani. People usually call me Meri. Currently I am living in Kukusan Beji, Depok, West Java. I live in Depok started from 2014, approximately 2,5 years until right now right?. Previously, I life in East Lombok, and I born in east lombok too, just from 2014 I was move to Depok for high academic purpose.

I fulfilled my education from elemantary school, junior high school until senior high school in east Lombok. I am a graduate student from Elementary School which named SDN 06 Kembang Kerang. SD 06 Kembang Kerang is located Montong Pace. Montong Pace is the name of a village in East Lombok, and that nearest from my village which named Bagik Rebak. Bagik Rebak is a villlage in Lombok which located in the middle of nowhere, but its not too hard or difficult to reach, even it is located in the middle nowhere.

After graduated from elemantary school, I continued my education to Junior High School which named SMPN 02 Wanasaba. SMPN 02 Wanasaba is located in Karang Baru. My junior high school also can categorized as the school which located in the middle of nowhere, but its never mind to me, as long as I can got a whortied education program, and not too hard to access, its oke. Actually, before I registered to SMPN 2 Wanasaba, previously I registered to the favourite school in my region, but I was rejected. Even, I remember that my education score record was good in my elemantary school, and now I just grateful for what I have been through.

After graduated from junior high school, I was registered and acceped in one of favourite Senior High School in my region. And from this stage, I knew more about myself, and I knew about what the thing which I am interested and so on. In the second year, I joined the Economic Olympiad Club, and had joined in this club taught me many things and very help to more understand in the economics subject and also in the mathematic subject. I had joined the competition in Economy for two times, in the regency level and in the province level. It such a great experience, and those competition may help me too to pass the test in the selection of become a  university student. I got a good rank in my class, mostly I got the 1st place and sometime got the 3rd place in my class. And those achievement were a ticket for me to passed the test in university selection. But the most factor which sent me to passed the university selected was Pray. Hard Pray, Pray and Pray. Oh I forgot to tell that in the senior high school, I was a student who really really didn’t like about cheat. I try to did all my exam based on my personal capacity. Keep your honesty and keep integrity, Guys!

In short, I have been accepted to become a student in the best university in my country, which named Universitas Indonesia. Truly, this is a beyond expectation for me to accepted in this University. Previously, I  have a plan to registered in Airlangga University, which located in Surabaya and also categorized as the top 10 University in Indoesia, but I cancelled it because there were just few senior that study in there. And finally, I committed to registered in Universitas Indonesia, which high risk, because there were so many competitors, and even, I chose a major, management, which usually become a highest devotee in Indonesia.  But, my way to got this university as not smoothy as I tell you like now, I had been forbidden to got into university because financial reason, I remember that at that time, I got high pressure and stress. And I confess that it was not easy.

And finally now, I am pursuing my bachelor degree for management major in Universitas Indonesia. Here,  I got so many challenges and stuggless too. And its natural for every students that usually come from the territory to get compete in the urban area and in the best university. There are many kind of the struggles, from the cultural side, environments, habit and many more.

In my first year of study, I got high pressure especially from the cultural side and the way my friends behave to me. And fortunately it just not happen in me, but in another student especially from the territory too. This phenomena is not a thing that must be hidden again, because I think people usually know, and may be it is good if we categorized as public secret. The public Secret which I mean in this article is the cultural that students who come from territory usually not too got good behavior from the students which come from urban Area. And you must know guys that most of the students in Universitas Indonesia are come from Urban Area.  Simply, I really really felt it, when I felt that I have no friends, I did many things alone, like pray, went to canteen, study, went to class and so on. Those all actually made me stress, I felt there are no one want to friend with me. Unfortunately, those pressure effect to my education performance. I though that I was a student who is not too care about education, less spirit, I can’t saw how was students compete out there, and simply I felt isolated. I was not good in my education and my organization and so on, in my first years of study, and it was continued to the second year of study.

Until, I found the day which I make me miss myself as an active student, friendly, have many friends, and diligent as like as in my Senior High School. I want be back as the student like what I was in Senior High School. I realize that there are no benefit to become a passive student and still perceive that become a student which come from territory virtually didn’t got friend is a very bad and worst perception. I try to change, try to left out the negative perceptions and start to make new positive perception, and try to friendly, make my friend comfortable with me, show that I am caring with them, try to helping them and shows that I am a person with a good team work, and many more. And those all lead me to the new environment, a very comfortable and competitive environment. I have many friends, I can learn much things from them, I am proud that now there are many of them asked me to help them and asked to join their group or team and so on.

Simply, I just want to say that, negative perception and attitude won’t give benefit, the negative just give you a negative things. Be a positive person, show your ambition, do good and do best, have a good team work and have a leadership characters. Not too care about people perception which make you feel that you are nothing. Just do good and do best, with a good intention to. Make God as your primary intention,  make yourself and your family as the intention. Have a desire to give good impact to others, not spread negative impact to others but be inspiring.

Challenge yourself, focus, keep up your Ibadah. Be a very good person in front of God, and automatically you will be a good in front of human too.

Be brave, be ambitious, and give the dogged and damn efforts for everything you wants.