#how could i possibly be doing enough when im constantly thinking about myself and how i feel

[depresseddepot]

does anyone have any writing advice about what to do/how to proceed when you keep re-outlining a plot because "wait that might be better"

[lunarsapphism]

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[nvrmorxxi]

[ AU / Speculation for me ] [ I CAN FIX IT .... NOT FOR YOU ]

Okay so because I am a man who hates to see things end badly Im here writing a sort of... fanfiction for myself that cleanse up the mess of Mouthwashing. No disrespect to the whole game but this is my thoughts Some warning for mature subjects and obviously possible spoilers for Mouthwashing!

Basically I thought about the idea of Jimmy being dealt with before he could complete his plan against the crew and it all stems from the idea that there's actually a secret cryopod on the ship. We see only 4 in the main part but there's 5 people on board, which even if you want to argue Pony Express doesn't give a shit, I think its somewhat reasonable to assume that should there be an emergency there would in fact be enough cryopods for everyone to get into so that a potential crew can be saved. This secret cryopod is obviously ONLY used in the case of an emergency and is ONLY known to exist by the captain. Aka Curly. Curly realizes that Jimmy is getting too unhinged and crossing far more lines than hes ever seen him do before. Though Curly fears and cares for his unfortunately stupidly manipulative friend, he realizes he has to take action against Jimmy to ensure no harm comes to the remaining crew. So Curly basically tricks Jimmy into thinking that he's going to be revealing a secret to Jimmy, something only "a captain and his co-pilot can know" before taking Jimmy to this secret cryopod. Since technically having a "potential psychological unsound person" on board DOES class as an emergency and with no "brig" available for holding, Jimmy is put in there. His last moments is Curly's well deserved "betrayal." Thus now Jimmy is a festering sleeping mess inside the cryo-chamber, grinding thru a horrific nightmare where he gets his revenge on Curly, where he gets control of the ship while spiralling further and further into outright INSANITY in some jacob's ladder style purgatory as his mental state is forever stuck "coping" with his anger, his guilt, his fear, his hatred, his selfishness and so on and so forth. Basically everything that happens in the events of Mouthwashing is a already crazy's man nightmare-ish delusion as he awaits judgement day, aka the time when he leaves the pod and has to face the justice he deserves. Meanwhile with Jimmy put away in hold, the crew get a chance to breath. Jimmy overbearing nature eases everyone tension and though it was a hard decision it was a well made one. Its not all perfect however because Anya takes all of this quite hard feeling guilty that it got this far. She does attempt to end her life which she is luckily saved from by Curly and the rest of the crew. Since Anya is now sick, Daisuke has to take over acting as Nurse, following Curly and Anya instructions on how to make this all easier. Anya is safe around Daisuke and his bright optimistic personality is really fitting for a nurse, never once does she feel ashamed or scared and for once feels a sense of relief and freedom. Her commenting that Daisuke would make a good nurse which Daisuke takes to heart since he still obviously struggling to find "what hes good at" Curly temporarily takes up the role of being an engineer with Swansea since, Curly as the lovely captain SHOULD know his ship inside and out too and hey, even as a bonus, he may even show Swansea how to steer a ship. This ends up with Curly and Swansea having a good man to man bond. In the end, Anya recovered free from her abuse and regains her personality and happiness, Daisuke discovers his passion for medical work happily taking college recommendation from Anya, Swansea learns a bit about riding a ship and thinks "hey I could probably do good as a space trucker" and Curly also detached himself from the parasite that is Jimmy who constantly been trying to drag him down! So there, I fixed it. But not for him.

[anucalor]

Mutuals pt.2 (Onyankopon x Black! Reader)

haii! im so sorry for taking literally forever to post this. i was so ready to get back into writing, but i started taking my classes full time (which i passed（＾∇＾）) but now i am getting ready for state and with three jobs... its a lot lol. but im ready to try to get back into it!

i also have Kofi if you ever wanted to support in other ways!

anywho, here ya go!

y/n is a little shy. when she moves back home, her friend mika tries to get her out the house. what better way than to meet mutuals?

(w.c. 2.6k)

warnings: none, language (if any)

__________

It’s Thursday. 

Today shouldn’t hold so much weight, but it did. Besides being the beautiful day before a weekend, it’s the day before Ony and I go on our first date.  

I can’t help but think about it every now and then. Receiving his texts throughout the day doesn’t help either. I've realized he’s much more of a subtle flirt than I would have thought, constantly catching me off guard. I smile and shake my head before looking away from my Apple watch to continue charting. 

I check the time and see it’s a little after seven o’clock. After filling in a few people on my floor and making sure everything is logged in, I go to my locker and grab my belongings. I make my way to the elevator and ride down to the first floor. As soon as I step off of the elevator, I get a phone call. 

Ony. 

I bite my lip to prevent myself from smiling too much before answering. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, pretty girl,” I smile a little wider, “how was work?” 

“It was good. Walking to my car, now.” 

We make casual talk as I continue towards my car. Once I’m inside with my doors locked, I start my engine and begin making my way home. After a few minutes, Ony finally brings up the day I’ve been too nervous to ask about. 

“Mmm... you ready for tomorrow, mama?” 

My heart skips. 

“I, uhh, I am.” I try to sound as relaxed as possible. I can only hope he doesn’t hear how hesitant I sound. 

“What’s wrong? You don’t sound so sure.” 

Of course, he heard... 

“I’m sure... I just have a lot on my mind,” I explain softly. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Ony offers. 

I smile, "Just excited for tomorrow, ‘s all.” I can almost hear his smile in his ‘mhm.’ 

I assume that’s a fine enough answer because Ony doesn’t push the topic, opting to change the subject.  

After about a 10-minute drive, I finally made it back home. I grab all of my belongings and make my way towards the door, making sure to lock my car. I unlock the door to my apartment and walk in, making sure to lock it, as well. 

“You inside yet, mama?” I hear Ony’s voice mumble through my phone. 

“Yeah, I’m inside.” I walk to the island in the kitchen and put my bag on the counter before looking over at my buzzing phone.  

Ony is FaceTiming me.  

I answer the call and gently lean my phone against a nearby object on my counter so that he can see me. The call finally connects and I see Ony leaning back in his chair, fingers moving around on his controller as he plays the game. The corners of my lips slightly raise at the sight of him before I look away for a moment to place one hand on the counter and use the other to remove my shoes. 

“You look pretty, (N/N),” I hear him say over the speaker. 

  I couldn’t help but chuckle as I pick up my phone, shoes, and purse and walk to my bedroom. 

“You say that every time we're on the phone,” I mention with a tired yet teasing tone, “but thank you.” 

He ignores my initial statement and smiles, eyes returning to his TV screen, “You’re welcome.” 

~ 

The night goes on as it normally would; I change and sit on the phone with Yanni for a little over an hour before deciding it is time for me to take a shower and go to bed. 

When I wake up the next morning, it takes me a moment to become fully oriented. When I do, I can’t help but think about how the night could go. Ony and I can realize that being friends is what’s best; we could not like one another, or we could continue in pursuit of a relationship. Of course, I’m hoping for the latter, but only time will tell.  

After talking to God about my worries, I feel a little better and finally decide to get up and get ready, leaving my phone on its charger. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I walk into my room and look through my wardrobe for a dress that’s fancy enough for a dinner date but not overly obnoxious. Wanting to remain on the safe side, I decide on a long black, long-sleeved dress with some heels. Feeling content with my decision, I decide to pick up my phone to check any notifications. 

The very first one is from Ony. 

Ony: Good morning pretty girl. Ima be a little busier today so I won’t be able to talk much. Make sure you’re ready by 6. I’ll see you soon 

I smile before responding to his text, feeling slight butterflies in my tummy. I make sure to let him know I appreciate him telling me he’d be busy and that I’ll see him tonight. Checking the time, I decide to go ahead and grab some breakfast, opting for some fruit, feeling too nervous to eat too much. 

I try to talk myself down, trying not to get worked up over some guy.  

‘It’s just another date with another guy... it’s just another date with another guy... but it’s not.’ 

There's something about Onyan that makes me hope that what we have goes further than ‘just another date.’ Although we’ve only really been able to speak over the phone since we met, he seems to be more genuine than any other person who has tried to pursue me. Mikasa’s words continue to play in my mind as well. Knowing from a reliable source that he doesn’t mess around for fun also puts me a little at ease.  

I just need to relax and trust that no matter what happens, everything’s gonna be okay. 

~  

I sit in front of my vanity, applying any finishing touches I think I need. I stand and take in my appearance. A smile makes its way onto my lips as I reach to grab some perfume. I spray to my heart’s content before grabbing my purse and phone and walking to the living room. Again, I look in the large mirror at my reflection, feeling happy with how I look. Minutes pass before I hear a knock on my door. 

My heart drops to my stomach. I take a deep breath before walking to the door, unlocking and opening it. Once it’s open, I see Ony with a bouquet of light pink roses with white lilies. I give an endearing smile before hugging him. 

“Ony, these are beautiful. Thank you.” 

He carefully wraps his arms around me, a smile on his face as he responds, “You’re welcome, (N/N). I’m glad you like them.” 

I lean away before gently taking the bouquet from his grasp, my hand lightly brushing against his. I lead him inside for a moment while I carefully replace my older flowers with the newer ones. Once that’s done, I grab my purse. 

“You ready?” Ony glances up from his phone once he sees that I have my purse. 

I nod and watch as he smiles, taking in my outfit for the night.  

“You look beautiful, (Y/N).” He stands from the barstool he sat in while he waited and makes his way to me with his hand out.  

  I take my lower lip into my mouth to try to prevent me from smiling like an idiot, and it just barely works. My hand interlocks with his as I respond. “Thank you, and you look very handsome.”  

Which is true. Ony has on a solid black shirt with some loose black pants and white forces. He, of course, has his chain and studs on and a black and white bomber jacket. He bites his lip as he looks down at me for a moment.  

“Thank you, mama.”  I smile before looking at the ground. Ony let out a breathy chuckle at the way I couldn’t hold eye contact before leading us to his car. He leads me to the passenger’s side and opens the door for me. I give a soft thank you before sitting down and bringing my legs inside. When I get situated, he closes the door and makes his way to the driver's side before driving off.  

~ 

After 25 minutes, we make it to our restaurant. I know I haven’t been here before, so I don’t know what to expect. Ony parks and makes his way to my side to help me out. I place my hand in his while he leads us inside the restaurant. The host leads us to a secluded booth towards the back of the restaurant. We walk hand in hand until we reach the area, separating only to sit across from one another. Our host hands us our menus and tells us our waitress will be with us soon. 

I gently look through the menu, eyes slowly gazing over what all the restaurant has to offer. Ony, sitting across from me, can’t help but allow his eyes to gaze over me, only giving his menu half the attention since he already knows what he wants. He swiftly thinks of something to talk about and opens his mouth to speak. 

“Don’t hesitate to get anything you want, by the way. ” My eyes flicker up to his at the sound of his voice. I smile softly before briefly returning my eyes back to the menu. 

“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” 

Ony gently licks his lips before closing his menu completely and giving me his undivided attention. 

After that, conversation was nothing short of wonderful - Ony smoothly leading the us from one topic to another. I could feel my attraction for him grow the more he spoke to me in that soft, deep tone that I’ve grown used to. Due to me not being the best conversationalist, I was hesitant for this date, but it comes so naturally with him. As if he knows exactly what to say and when to say it. 

From childhood memories to stories about work to ranting about the group that we’ve grown to love so dearly. It felt as though we had known each other for years.

After ordering, it took us bit before our food was brought out to us. Even then we joke about how it got quiet when we started eating, knowing that the restaurant he picked was a good choice. We each took our time, slowly realizing that we didn’t want the night to end just yet. Even after Ony paid for our meal, we still stayed to talk for about another 30 minutes.  

After laughing at a joke he said, I turned my phone over on the table to check the time and sigh. 

“Ony, we should probably head out. It’s getting late.” 

He picks up his phone and gives a soft smile. 

“Yeah, you right... Alright, let’s go, pretty girl,” he directs softly before standing. 

 I scoot just a little before turning my legs to the outside of the booth where Ony was waiting with his hand outstretched. I gently place my hand in his and stand. 

“You got everything?” I turn to make sure I didn't drop anything before nodding.  

“Mhm, yeah. I’m good.” 

And with that, he leads us towards the exit. Once we get to his car, he opens the door for me before going to his side. I watch as he walks to his side, trying to hide the goofy grin that’s trying to make itself known.  

He finally sits down in the car before turning to look at me, narrowing his eyes slightly. 

“What?” he asks with a small grin. I shake my head before picking up my phone. 

“Nothing.” By the way I bit my lip to keep from smiling, I’m sure he knew it wasn’t ‘nothing,’ but he chose not to push. Opting for “whatever you say, (N/N.)” 

The drive to my house was mostly done so in peaceful silence. Other than the speakers and the occasional quip, we just enjoyed each other’s presence.  

After some time, Ony pulled into my apartment. He turned off his car and made his way to me. 

“Aww, such chivalry. Walking me to my door?” I quip once my hand is in his. 

He immediately smacks his lips before closing the door. “Mmcht, man gon’ on somewhere.” He couldn’t even finish the sentence without smiling, causing me to giggle. 

We make it to my door, and I turn to him with a sigh. 

“Thank you for agreeing to go out with me, (Y/N),” his voice low and clear.  

I lean my shoulder against the door and sleepily look him in his eyes. “Thank you for taking me out. I really had fun.” 

“Enough fun to want to do it again?” he asks, taking a step towards me. 

I look off to the side, hide my smile behind my hand before dropping it. “Yeah, Ony. Enough to want to do it again.” 

He looks down, a smile plastered on his face. 

Only a few moments passed before he looks back at me and takes another step forward. I tilt my head a little to the side before feeling him take my hand in his, standing directly in front of me. 

“I’m gonna be very honest, (Y/N) - I would really like to kiss you right now.” 

For some reason me being a little tired made me a little bold and I ask, “So why haven’t you?”  

A moment after those words left my mouth, Ony’s hand rests on my neck, his thumb, pointer, and ring finger gently grabbing my jaw to tilt my head upwards. He leans down and presses his soft lips onto mine. I don’t hesitate for a moment before meeting him halfway. Ony slides his other hand around my waist, pulling me in to completely close the space between us. My left hand slides to his wrist as he deepens the kiss.  

It felt too soon when he pulled away. I opened my eyes to see him looking intensely at me. I quickly shy away, opting to look at the ground, my hand gently rubbing the remnants of Ony from my lips as I try not to smile too hard. 

“Thank you again, Ony,” I mumble trying to keep my rapid heartbeat under control. 

Ony looked at me with an adorned look in his eyes.  

“You’re welcome, mama. Go get some rest, okay?”  

“You, too... Goodnight, Ony.”  

“Goodnight, (N/N).” 

---

It’s been three months since Ony and I have been dating, and it’s been amazing. He’s been amazing. He continues to show me just how caring and protective he is - genuine and fun. The way he never fails to make me smile (whether it be after a tough day at work, or I’m just feeling a little down) is something I didn’t realize I needed. 

‘I’m so glad I listened to Mika,’ is something I constantly think to myself. 

She was right when she told me that he would show me the type of person he is. 

And I couldn’t be happier. 

Ony and I are a little more comfortable with visiting each other's houses, opting to just stay in and relax most of the time. Each time we do, we learn so much about one another. From likes to dislikes to family and more. The more we spend time together, the more I can’t help but think about what it would be like to actually be in a committed relationship with him.  

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t try to shoo the thought away, but it’s so hard when Ony is... himself. Going above and beyond is not foreign to him. His emotional intelligence is evident through his desire for clear communication and his (surprising) amount of empathy.  

Gosh, he’s so wonderful. 

My thoughts are cut short by a soft *ping!*  I glance at my phone to see Ony’s name pop up. I bite back a smile before opening his message.

Yanni <3 : Be ready by 8. I got a surprise for you 

---

ah, please be nice. im still getting into the swing of things. i really hope you guys enjoyed this. please excuse any mistake!

i love you but Jesus loves you more. <3

@kxllanxtdoor

@prettypink-princesss

@sevikasblackgf

pt.1

[jjkeremika]

Heyy how are you? i hope you are doing fine <3 can you write sick zeke headcanons plss? or maybe sick hc for all the aot boys but including him plss? thx i love how you write them

hi friend<3 sorry for the delay. been thinking on this on A LOT because i feel like zeke acts differently depending on how sick he is.

also features of reiner, eren, jean, and armin

zeke jaeger

• if it’s a little cold, a couple sniffles and a sore throat, zeke is convincing you that he’s perfectly healthy. totally immune.

• was that a cough? nope. just clearing his throat so you can hear him talk about how healthy he is with perfect vocals.

• does his voice sound a little scratchy? he thought you might like a change in tone, something a little hoarser, a little raspier. so he’s “practicing” speaking differently. like the talented, thoughtful man he strives to be.

• was that a sneeze? no. never sneezed before in his life. maybe you’re not feeling well and are hallucinating. do you want him to fetch you some tea? maybe a cold towel for your forehead?

• sick?! hah! as if. sick of you asking how he’s feeling, maybe. but seriously. nothing to worry your pretty little head over. he’s perfectly fine.

• "yn, honey, honestly, stop asking. I'm really okay. I can do the same fifty push-ups today that I could do yesterday. Need me to prove it? Get on the floor. I'll do it over you~"

• but then when he’s really, really sick—like, can’t hide it anymore sick, bedridden with a fever sick—he’s obsessed with your attention. constantly calling for you to feel his forehead, because he’s so warm and the back of your hand and your so soft lips are oh-so cool and soothing

• could you be a darling and maybe fetch him some tea? please let it cool first, though. his throat is on fire and he feels like he's dying. he needs something cold to quell the heat burning up his insides

• he’s got his arms weakly wrapped around you because he just can’t muster the strength to keep you from pulling away. but he wants you to stay so so badly. he’s burning hot and he wants you to stay and be his snuggle buddy, his comfy weighted blanket

reiner

• total weenie (affectionate)

• 100% makes his condition out to be worse because he loves you doting on him.

• “baby, i think i have the flu,” he’ll complain with a light cough. he preens as you touch the back of your hand to his forehead. any touch from you is enough to lift his feverish heat. “hm,” you’ll hum sweetly, “no fever, reiner.” reiner will cross his arms in a huff, disagreeing with your verdict. “that’s just cause your hands cold!”

• “will you please make me some soup? i’m so hungry. my stomach is eating itself.” “no it’s not, reiner.” “you can’t prove that! with the flu, anything’s possible.” “you don’t have the flu, rei.”

• "babe, can you pass me the tv remote? i'd do it myself but im oh-so weak, and my usually strong, healthy muscles are suffering from this body cold..."

armin

• does this man even get sick? someone coughs near him and he’s pulling a mask out of his bag, protecting himself and you from any rogue pathogens from entering his body. he washes his hands like crazy, dresses for every weather change so that his internal temperature never deviates. his immune system is as strong as boulders.

• but when he does get sick, he's so incredibly nervous about infecting you, he needs to keep his distance. fights his body to keep you away.

• he so desperately wants to be close to you, but he's too conscious about infections and spread. and he's too loving to be the reason you get sick. you need to stay beautiful and happy and healthy. not coughing and sniffling because of a cold.

jean

• plays video games the whole time when you’re not around. tries to be near you when you are. he’s sick? well, uhh, can he still kiss your cheek? can he still sit next to you? will you hand him that nice cozy blanket? will you cuddle him under that nice cozy blanket?

• still adamant about how he can take care of himself, wants to reassure you that despite his illness he still is capable of looking out for himself and grabbing drinks/food/blankets for himself.

• but, well, let's be realistic. he'd do the same for you, so he just wants some love like that too.

• he's also convinced your touch and your love is healing. a couple kisses on the cheeks later and he's already feeling better.

• oh, but not too much better. because then he won't get as many kisses. and he looooves your kisses.

eren

• it must run in the family. sick but doesn’t care, acts like he’s perfectly healthy and normal anyway. continues to go about his day, doesn't really care about who he's infecting. doesn't really think about other people to be honest.

• when he’s really sick though, he uses it as a bartering chip. “i can’t go to your event tonight, baby, im too sick. i need to stay home and rest up to get better like you said.”

• “can you make me some soup please? i would get up to do it myself but im just soooo sick.”

• “will you turn the tv on for me love? my body feels so cold and weak.”

• argumentative if you say no and argue against it. but gives you the sweetest, most innocent smile every time you give in and do anything for him in this state.

[pansy-picnics]

Helloooo I just wanted to say that your trans Varian art is very special and comforting to me <3 it gives me warm soft feelings and it always makes my day thank you very much. The little details you include like what he uses to bind and his family supporting him and also him feeling comfortable enough to take his binder off at the end of the day or around certain people just makes me feel so seen and happy <3 I hope you have a lovely day

AUGHHGJGG THANK YOUUUU you have no IDEA how happy these kinds of comments make me,,,, 🥹🥹🥹🥹 i don’t even really identify my gender myself and im definitely not transmasc but varian is just So violently transgender to me and it doesn’t feel right to not portray him that way. i put a lot of effort into my portrayal of it so when ppl say my art makes them feel seen i literally. scream and cry and throw up /pos

and YES you get it omfg…..the little freak plagues my mind constantly he is SO loved and supported by his family. he’s a very practical guy to me so unless he’s going out for work or has visitors or something he can’t really be bothered to get dressed up or bind. he used to when he first started working in the castle,, but now he feels a lot more comfortable there and if he’s just gonna be hanging around at home he’s not gonna go through all the extra effort. and him feeling safe enough to do that is SO important to me!!!!! it makes me so unbelievably happy that people are able to notice all those details and i’m just so,,, oughggghh

ALSO!! the detail of the binder in particular is actually one of my favorite things i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk about it here…..i’m kind of a history nerd also and although tts doesn’t really have a set time period (and i honestly don’t want it to), i enjoy adding in some historical references here in there cuz i just think it makes the world feel a lot more immersive. but heres a fun fact for you if you want to read:

most modern binders are made up of some kind of nylon or spandex, both of which weren’t invented until around the 1930s or 50s. most people use bandages to portray trans characters in fantasy settings, but bandages by themselves wouldn’t really do much unless they were compressive, and compressive bandages as we know them today also weren’t invented until around WW2. THIS is where corsets come in.

corsets get a rlly bad rep most of the time honestly, because for some reason most people are still convinced they were like. medieval torture devices. and they were used to promote a slim silhouette a lot of the time but so were a LOT of other garments!! corsets alone were undergarments worn on a day to day basis, both by rich and working class women and even by some men in the victorian era. they were just used the same way we wear bras today!! it wasn’t any different!!!

but boned garments like this also had the ability to shape and form the body, and though obviously i can’t confirm anyone was making corset binders in the 1800s people have been able to make modern replicas with similar materials that have almost the exact same effect as a modern chest binder, which tells us that it would’ve been completely possible for someone to hide their chest with a corset like garment AND!! it was quite literally PROVEN to us during the 1920s flapper era!!!

i could go on and on about the flapper era and it’s influence on the general social culture but basically, a LOT of inherent gender roles were being challenged, so women were wearing shorter skirts and haircuts, and women’s fashion trends in general started to take on a much more androgynous silhouette to reflect that. a boxy, more boyish shape was actually strived for and a lot of women with larger chests would wear bodices advertised as “bust reducers” to create this appearance, a lot of which were made with similar materials to corsets of the time!!!

they obviously aren’t exactly the same as a binder we would have today but its shockingly similar i think, and it’s just neat to know that people really have been doing this stuff for centuries :’3

[matthewmurdockswife]

Hello!! Could you please do one where Tony Stark is the readers dad and he finds her SH?? Thank you!

Iron brusies x tony stark (platonic)

Tw: self harm, depictive description of cutting, anxiety attack, hitting,

a/n : guys im always here to talk feel free to talk to me about anything at anytime good or bad my messages are and will always be open you can even send me a anonymous message in the req box if thats what you need to do Talk to me or a friend theres always someone there for you if you look hard enough I promise

I never felt like enough, which is unexpected when you’re constantly put out into the media and are being portrayed as “the happiest person alive” everyone wants my life many envy my family and my life style but not very many people understand it, and I mean truly understand it. Underneath the media personality I had to put on as an avengers daughter and a future avenger hid many scars.

It started a few years ago on accident I was shaving my legs when I accidentally sliced myself. But my reaction wasnt the same as it used to be, instead of being upset I was relieved. It felt like an escape and from that moment foward it felt impossible to stop

“ hey kiddo” My dad walked over to me while I leant against the kitchen island “hey” I remained looking at my phone my voice was faltering and was sure to give me away I didnt need my dad knowing about how I felt. If I ever wanted to be an avenger I cant have problems like this I cant let anyone see me weak.

He had stopped his movements, looking at me he reached out to touch my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me he always seemed to know something was up. without looking I pushed off the island without a glance or a word. I couldnt let him see me break. No one can see me break.

Everything felt out of control, my world was spiralling and so I went to the one thing that put me in control. My razor blades. I took the elevator up to the secluded floor I knew what I was doing in order for me to not get caught I had to think smart. I had this memorized, never say where your going, never go to that floor with another avenger and never use your own room.

I told friday the floor number remaining as composed as possible the cracks in my voice a dead giveaway “ mrs stark are you alright your blood pressure and heart rate have dramatically increased” taking a deep breath I reply to the ai “im fine fri” using an irritated tone in an attempt to conceal how im crumbling apart “ are you sure mrs stark? I can contact your father if needed” fridays tone questioning and concerned “im fine friday im just not feeling well” And I darted out of the elevator the moment the doors where opened

I opened the drawer containg the one thing I needed my razor as I smashed it against the floor over and over again until the metal blades broke free and I grabbed one and pushed it into my leg letting the metal drag across my skin. The blood dripping down my leg.

my hands shook and my body trembled one more I told myself each time. one more and ill be okay one more I kept repeating it over and over again in my head like a melody, a mantra like a prayer for help

my hands shook I felt my mind scream a blood curdling scream when I heard the thing I dreaded most. a knock on the door “hey kiddo you alright friday said you felt sick do you need anything can I come in”

i was panicking i thought i had this covered i thought i could be smooth about this i thiught i coukd do this and no one would know the thought of my father finding out about me about what i am what i do what ive become is enough to start sending me into a anxiety attack “ im about to have a shower” my voice was faulty and a dead give away and i covered my mouth trying to stop the broken sobs from escaping my lips anymore then they already had .” dont lie to me friday said your heart reate was through the rough whats going on kiddo” I let a sob escape my mouth but quickly covered it I heard a sigh and then a click

the door had been opened it was my greatest nightmare my breathing quicked as I lunged full force at the door trying to keep my dad out but he had had the advantage he was standing I was flipped onto my stomach as he pushed open the door once again

“ why are you on the floor kiddo c’mon stand up” he reached under my bicep as attempt to help lift me up “ NO” I screamed ripping my arm from his grasp looking up face stained in tears my dad’s expression written of pure shock guilt washed over me my emotions reaching an all time new high

I felt that drowning feeling begin again in my chest and then in my stomach and the voices in my brain began chanting on how I had messed this up, how it was all over, how I was worthless.Any negative comment anyones made on me being thrown at me by my own mind I scrambled to sit up against the tub holding my legs to my chest gasling hard for air. I was having an anxiety attack in front kd my dad who sat there eyes wide motiomless and wearing a shocked expression he came to sit down next tk me stroking my back while I sobbed wildy he pulled me into his chest while I fought against him throwing weak haphazard punches and his shoulder screaming kicking and crying to be let go off but he knly held me tighter and stroked my hair gently shishing me quieting my cries as he had done when i was younger to console me .

only then did I relax into his embrace

only then did I allow myself to be vulnerable

only then did he notice the multitudeof faded and fresh marks on my legs including the ones I had just freshly reopened

only then was I honest and opened up about the past two years of hell I went through

only then did I begin to see my dad differently as someone who understood what I had gone through because he had gone through it himself. I gained a new appreciation for my father that day, I’ve never been better and I owe it all to him

A/n

girlie im so sorry i didnt even see this lol sorry It took me so long to get around to. anywho sorry if this wasnt what you meant also sorry if this is bad its like 1 am my eyes are burning 🤭 love you guys never be scared to reach out for help, and always drink your water <3 bye loves

[leslutdepointedulac]

im 4 days late but if you’re still accepting character ask game questions 9, 13, 20 for louis! -aunteat<3

Of course!! I'm always ready to accept asks for my favourite soggy ferret :soggyuwu: Thank you for this ask 💞 :boop:

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

This is an interesting question, because in some ways I think I could be, but then in other ways I'm like absolutely not 🤧 I think we need to pro/con this lmfao

Pros:

We're both quiet, relatively solitary creatures who will grace people with our presence on our own terms - we won't feel the need to be constantly around each other, therefore are lessikely to get on one another's nerves

We both love to read so we could read together and compare/talk about books

We can make a mess and won't really be bothered by it (mainly because I can rarely motivate myself to tidy up after myself but still)

We can both (affectionately) make fun of Lestat and not so affectionately if needs be

We just generally have similar vibes that I think would compliment each other nicely

Cons:

We both have similar vibes that could also clash horribly e.g. wallowing in despair to the point where we would create a never ending black hole of soggy doom and gloom

Louis' snobby, pretentious nature is only tolerable because he's fictional and I don't have to put up with him. If he was real and we lived together, I couldn't deal with that and would probably call him out on it in a hopeless, failed attempt to get him to shut up with his snobbery

All in all, if we were to judge it based on this list alone, the pros outweigh the cons and therefore I think I could be roommates with Louis. The Black Hole of Horrors™️ and pretentious snobbery is a small price to pay to live with him, I think 🤧

13. What's an emoji, and emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

So funny you should ask me this when I have the perfect emoji 😌

It's our very own :louwee: 🤧 I couldn't possibly pick any other emoji when I specifically made this with Louis in mind lmao.

As for an emoji I think Louis would use, I get the feeling he wouldn't really get the concept of them initially 😭 Benji might try and teach him what they are and how to use them, but I feel like that would just lead to Louis misunderstanding and using emojis 'inappropriately'. Like using 😏 after telling Lestat he can't wait to see him later, and Lestat thinks that means he's gunna get laid but Louis intended for it to just be a general smile. Plot twist: Louis actually does know exactly what he's doing but he's just playing dumb to to mess with people 😭

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

I won't lie, I don't know if this is much of an 'ideal best friend' type situation as such, and it might be kinda obvious, but the friendship I keep on coming back to is with Daniel.

I just think that Daniel is someone who could simultaneously respect Louis' boundaries, while also trying to gently nudge him out of his comfort zone. Say for example, Daniel's the one trying to convince Louis to attend the next ball with him, convincing him that he wants a familiar face (even though Armand and Marius will be there too), and how it won't hurt to get out a bit and interact with other people. But at the same time, if Louis did go and eventually had enough, Daniel wouldn't stop him from seeking out a little hideaway somewhere. He may even join him, if Louis lets him, in the event that the ball has become Too Much for Daniel for one night.

In turn, perhaps Louis would be a source of comfort for Daniel. If he was having a rough-ish night and didn't want to go to Armand or Marius in case they worried too much, but Daniel still wanted a familiar person to turn to, Louis could be that someone. Louis might let Daniel vent to him while he listens, or simply lets him hang out in silence, just co-existing in the same space until Daniel feels better.

And I think as well, their shared history would give them a relationship that's unique to them. How many other vampires can say they met with one of them as a human through an interview, ending with one of them almost draining the other dry? Maybe, in some weird way, that event would bring them closer together?

I just really love the idea of Louis and Daniel together and I think they would make really good friends. They could be good supports to one another while also being able to genuinely enjoy each other's company.

[snailythefan]

Hi Snaily! How have you been? Im here for a pretty serious ask.

My boyfriend has been drawing for a while, I honestly think he's doing real good. But recently he's been feeling down about his art, he doesn't know why he should bother improving his art if his style is *basic* to some people, and it hurts a lot for him. He knows he should be drawing for fun and not force improvement to stress him out, but there's only so much I can do as his loving partner who doesn't draw at all.

So... what was it like for you, Snaily? When you started drawing many years back, how did you not feel like shit looking at how it could be better but you don't know how? What advice can you give to a beginner artist?

(You can answer this privately if you want btw, and ask me for his art if you need to see them. Much love <3)

hi peng!! always nice to hear from u! I'm gonna reply to this publicly because to be honest i can't resist to give this kind of advice to any and all beginner artists (but i am putting it under a readmore because as you know i love to ramble and this will get LOOONNNGGG and will Truly be The Ramblings of a Mad Man (gender neutral))

firstly, since I hear that he feels hurt by the idea that people out there might find his style "basic". That's a rookie mistake (that literally everyone makes when they start getting Serious about Art). The mistake being Caring Profoundly About an Outside Audience that's Ever Watching and Judging.

Which I literally cannot blame him or anyone for it, ESPECIALLY in this modern social media landscape where newer artists feel like they gotta get GOOD at the VIRAL RAT RACE so you gotta get that sweet, sweet validation in the form of likes, reblogs, retweets etc etc.

So that's my first tip I suppose: don't fall for the entrapment of being obsessed with getting any and all sorts of SWEET VALIDATION during your art process. This is hard to condition yourself to! I myself fall prone to it! It's actually kind of natural. Even if the validation you seek isn't online, surely you're expecting it from your peers or teachers or family members or whoever gets to look at your sketchbook (or you know, your medium of choice).

You want people to notice your art and all the effort you put into it. It's okay! DO welcome those who do!! But never NEVERRRRRR NEVERRRRRR commit the mistake of placing the value of your art on how much praise it gets from others. That's a one trip road on having an Absolute Bad Time. THE ONLY PERSON you should be looking to make happy with your art is YOURSELF first and foremost!!! Always!!! This is the Golden Rule!!!

So people (imagined or otherwise) think his style is """Basic""". Okay! That's literally not a crime anyone can arrest you for!! So what if you're LITERALLY starting and your art looks """basic"""!!!!!!! WHAT IS THE CRIME HERE!!!! CAN'T MY MAN JUST CREATE IN PEACE!!!! LET HIM COOK!!!!!

If he's starting out, i think it's pretty expected of him to just have a "basic" style you know? He shouldn't be ashamed of it! The best chef in the entire world right now didn't start making The Most Delicious Food To Ever Grace Anyone's Plate on DAY 1. They probably started with a goshdang sandwich. Many of them maybe. Until they could make the Perfect Sandwich even in their Sleep and only until then they felt ready enough to explore Further Possibilities In The Kitchen.

(Is this metaphor working? I sure hope it is!)

Anyway.

"How did you not feel like shit looking at how it could be better but you don't know how?"

Well that's a fun question because to this day I get extremely frustrated whenever I realize my Art Level isn't up to my standards. But THAT'S OKAY- even in my case!

If you're Serious About Art (as in, you LOVE making art) you'll constantly feel like you're having to catch up to artists that are doing MILES better than you. Which happens to everyone. Truly it's only the curse of having A Good Taste In Art (so you automatically Set Standards For Yourself based on what you personally consider Great Art).

So again, something to not be ashamed of. But also something to Learn To Live with. I get it!! I truly do!! You see some guy online who apparently is only 14 and they're already making compositions with complex perspectives and an amazing sense of color theory and you'll want to bite off your hands!!!! But you can't let that stop you!!

You're just gonna have to learn to Fail, Constantly. Failing Gracefully! Sucking At Art Again and Again!

You might think this conflicts with the Golden Rule (i mean, if you're not happy with your own art- then what's the point yeah?)

But it's all about Love babey. Loving the process of failing constantly, because deep down you REALIZE you're learning how not to suck little by little.

It's also an exercise in letting Spite guide you. So what if you're bad!!!!!! What if you've somehow committed the crime of being A Bad Artist!!!!!! The cops will never catch me fucker!!!!! SEE HOW I DESECRATE THE HOLY ACT OF "CREATING GOOD ART" AHAHAHAHA!!!! LITERALLY NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!!!! <- the attitude to Have. Yes you gotta be prepared to be Unhinged and to have active Disdain towards 4th Plane Entities that are probably judging your art quality. (Unless my experiences aren't universal and nobody else feels a salacious self-satisfaction whenever they draw something that looks like an affront to The Universe, knowing they can just Try Again).

Anyway those are the benefits of sprinkling a little Spite alongside all the Love for the process of Making Art.

At the start you might feel like you're only making bad art. So! Own it! unironically my life philosophy is that everyone should make more BAD ART!!! ARTISTS OF THE WORLD UNITE TO MAKE MORE BAD ART, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS!

that's for the mental approach at least.

So, what about the technical side? How do you actually take all those feelings of inadequacy and wrangle them into something productive that will help YOU get better at the art you want to make?

with the warning that i am a self taught artist so i might not the the perfect person to ask, but truly the most IMPORTANT skill you want to hone is OBSERVATION and COPYING WHAT YOU OBSERVE.

Basically you're gonna study the artists you like! You're gonna stare REAL HARD at the details in the art they make! And THEN. You're gonna try to copy THAT! Hell, you might even want to TRACE what they do at first** (**THIS ADVICE IS FOR PRACTICING. DO NOT TRACE AND THEN POST ONLINE FOR OTHERS TO GO "hey man wtf this is just you tracing X Artist" DO NOT!!! DO THAT!!!) just so you get a feel for what they have in their art that You Don't and learning how to slowly replicate that.

That's how I learned the ropes at least. Literally printing manga panels and then tracing over them during my Peak Weeb Years. Ah little snaily, how time flies. Another thing i liked to do was watch speedpaints of artists i liked but at like -2x speed. So it was a slowpaint and i could STEAL THEIR SECRETS <- another valuable art skill

Anyway, that's what I think it's the most important (to observe!)

...but also you might want to either take art classes OR watch a buuuuunch of tutorials on youtube for The Basics (basic anatomy! shading! values! color theory! perspective! gesture drawing!!!)

You feel like shit about your art? Fine! Then realize your life is your own and you have the absolute power to change that directly!! GO ON YOUTUBE AND LEARN THOSE BASICS!!!!!! don't be like me and struggle this much with perspective after years of making art!!!! (Though in all fairness, even those good at it struggle with it lol)

So! I am all out of advice for a newer artist.

TL,DR: YOU WILL SUCK A LOT AT FIRST BUT THE MORE YOU PRACTICE AND LEARN ABOUT YOUR FAILURES, THE MORE YOU'LL LOVE TO SEE YOUR IMPROVEMENT AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DO THE ART YOU WANT TO MAKE.

Peng if you could forward this to your bf i would be very grateful. Good luck to you two!!! Thank you for reaching out!! And remember!! Never give up!!!!!

[noaltbruh]

Hello! Im not sure if your doing requests for this still, but if you are could I request 🍨 ❗️ 💤 🌺 💍 for Risotto? Thank you!

Managed to temporarily free myself from the octopath traveler rabbit hole to write this 😎

And of course! I hope you like it 😊

🍨 Are they more chill about their relationship or a bit more possessive towards their S/O?

I wouldn't say "possessive" is the right word in this case. Risotto has put a lot of faith in your relationship and genuinely thinks the two of you are going to last together, if he's decided to commit himself to become your partner.

Moreover, he knows that being the capo of La squadra, he won't always be there, and would be more than glad to know your have other important people in your life to make you happy when he's away.

But. But he's very protective of you and your relationship. He knows that just letting you be in his life means you're always going to face some sort of threat, so when he actually is around, he will be very careful and won't let you get too far away from him.

❗️How would they surprise their S/O?

I like to think that Risotto is not very good at surprising people unless you count him murdering them a surprise. So he'll be kind of lost when the rest of the team suggests him to catch you off guard with something unexpected.

After some thought, he decides that the best way he has to surprise you, is to come home one day to you without you knowing anything about it. Maybe he told you he was going to be away all week, yet there he is waiting on your front door for you to open.

At this point, after greeting you with a kiss and a smile, possibly some flowers too, Risotto will be willing to spend all your time together as you prefer, anything is okay for him and he just wants to make you happy, especially if it had been a while since you two got to he together like this.

💤How often do they fantasize about their S/O? Is the latter constantly on their mind?

Risotto is a very busy and down the earth man. Sadly, I don't think he has much time to daydream about you, to he honest. If he's on a murder mission or investigating about... A certain person he has a problem with, he'll be far too focused on his job to think about his partner.

Aside from that, however, I can actually see him thinking back about little sweet moments the two of you shared, wishing to always make new memories with you and perhaps thinking about what he could do to improve your relationship.

With that being said, considering you'd probably move him with him after some time, especially since he's an adult, he'd much rather make those thoughts become reality instead of fantasizing. He prefers concrete facts.

🌺 Do they believe they deserve their S/O or sometimes feel like the latter is too good for them?

(Can I just say I'm surprised this wasn't requested more? I was expecting it to be one of the most asked, guess I was wrong lol)

Mh...Like I said, Risotto has a lot of trust in you and your bond. He knows he can be quite attractive considering his look and wouldn't be too surprised if you were to fall for him at first.

On the other hand, he will he very surprised and won't really...Understand at first, when you decide to remain with him even after finding out about his job. Doesn't he disgust you? Aren't you afraid of him? Of a literal assassin?

These thoughts sometimes cross his mind and makes him wonder if you're too good of a person to be with a cruel mafioso like him. Wouldn't you rather find someone a bit less... Dangerous? That can actually give you a stable life?

At the end of the day, however, your sole presence is more than enough to take those ideas off his mind very often, and he's gunshot happy with you and hopes you're happy with him.

💍How would they propose to their S/O?

Risotto would think thought proposing you a lot before actually taking this step. Is it too early? Maybe even too late? Do you have everything that you need for a demi-stable marriage? It's one of the most important decisions in his life and he wants to take it with his head, not just his heart.

When these two sides eventually come to an agreement, it's time to actually put the idea into action. I think he'd rather propose to you in a very quiet and intimate place, with nothing nor to distract you from each other and the special moment the two of you will be sharing.

It would probably be at night, after a carefully crafted evening spent together, he'd get down on his knee and propose to you only illuminated by the stars and the small sparkle in his red eyes.

"I have to admit, amore mio, I hadn't planned for someone to have such a deep impact on my life after the loss I've experienced long ago. Yet, you never felt hesitation in being with me, despite knowing the uncertainty of what the future may have in mind for people like me. And while I cannot give you safety, I can give you my love, a treasure you helped me discover, and it is only fair that I share...No, that I gift to you, if you'll let me. So, will you marry me?"

[tayter-tot-64]

lets talk about die young by chappell roan!! (im about to yap so be prepared)

i love this song oh so very much you should go listen to it (i prefer the acoustic version better but the not acoustic version is still acceptable)

First off, how i see it, this is a song where chappell is singing to an earlier version of herself, a version who was not okay. This can be seen in the lines "and you've got everything more than enough/if you could have anything what would you want" because it's almost like shes saying "you've got so much why aren't you okay?" which. is not the kind of thing you say to someone who clearly isn't okay. However, it is the kind of thing you might say to yourself when you're trying to get out of a bad place that you don't know why you're in. i know that i do that on a regular basis.

and then some lines i like/have things to say about (buckle up)

-"look at your mama now shes crying/cause she thinks her baby's dying/don't put up a fight she just wants to hold you tight" which i see as her mom wanting to say goodbye because she doesn't know whether or not this will be the last time that she's going to see her child. I can also see it as her final attempt to beg her to not go, as an "i love you so much please, please stay."

-"and look at your daddy he hates lying" this is about what it's like as someone having to watch a person they love go through the worst part of their life. its about going through each day and having to constantly tell yourself everything is fine, telling the person in pain that it's fine/will be okay, and telling other people that everything is fine and dandy. iv'e been in all three of those places with at least four different people and let me tell you it sucks. it is so hard to have to watch and not be able to do anything other than desperately hope that it'll be okay.

-"tried to help you but he's sick of trying" like i said, it's so hard to have nothing to do other than watch as someone takes steps backwards rather than forwards.

-"don't you know you could have the truth/you say im boring so you ignore me/you hear the phone ring so you ignore me" i think that this line is about finally seeing the sparkle of what the future could maybe look like. except in this she's burying those thoughts and feelings down.

-"you hear the phone ring so you ignore me" (yes i know i technically have this one twice shush) this one's more important because it's as though her future self/possibilities are calling but she didn't pick up the phone which could be due to it simply being too hard to entertain the thought of a tomorrow.

-"you say "i don't know how i lost myself"/with a bottle and the bottom of an ashtray/smoking my regrets and realizing what i need to do is pray" the first half of this chunk is her waking up and finally seeing just how bad a place she was really in and how what she was doing to compensate for those feelings/lack thereof was not good for her.

-"and i think i want love wanna find love/and i wanna be loved wanna find love/and i sure as hell don't wanna die young" this shift in the main chorus from "i wanna die young" to "i wanna find love" is her finding something worth living for. its about hope. about how her thought of tomorrow has become bearable because she now has something to look forward to, something she can grasp onto when those hard times come back to take another shot.

this song resonates with so many different parts of me for so many different reasons. it speaks to the me of last year who wanted to die young, it speaks to the part of me now that still wants to die young, and it speaks to the tiny little piece of me now who is finally daring to try and hold on to hope.

so thank you, chappell, for not dying young and for wanting to find love.

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[foxboyclit]

im coming up on my 2 year t-aversarry so here's some assorted feelings on that (put under a cut because i didnt expect it to get this long oops)

first off, im hoping i don't get sick again so i can actually have a tea party to celebrate. even if its a little after the actual date i wanna do something

it looks like i cant grow anything more than some light whiskers but i never wanted a huge lumberjack beard anyway and i still get to shave regularly which is very euphoric. im a little disappointed though because ive always wanted a full beard

body hairs been really good though! its filled out nicely on my arms and legs and i have a full happy trail i am so so happy about that

my doctor said she noticed my shoulders had gotten more broad, which ive heard wasn't possible but apparently it is! and i see it myself too. she said i have more of an inverted triangle shape now, and it makes sense because ive noticed my hips shrink significantly. now apparently i wasn't very curvy to begin with but dysphoria makes me see things that aren't as prominent i guess

its also almost a year since my period stopped and i feel so much better having my emotions and energy levels at a constant state. i never have to think about whether i forgot to bring pads i haven't had cramps in MONTHS it's wonderful. i will say, ive noticed cis women are more comfortable talking about their periods around me and it's a mixed bag of emotions. im glad i give off that vibe that it's okay to talk about it but i feel bad saying "yeah im glad mine stopped" or "this is what i used to go through" which is the most i can relate to now so im kind of...sad? to not be able to talk about it? but also when i did menstruate i hated talking about it to anyone other than like. two specific people. idk

my voice is leveling out more, it still cracks but not as much as it did i feel like just a few months ago? still not where i want it but im getting closer and i love when my voice cooperates and is deeper without those cracks. ive gotten compliments on my voice too when i use my lower register! idk if the majority of people read it as masculine or even androgynous but i like compliments

still getting constantly misgendered, no matter what im wearing but im used to it. at least all my family, friends and coworkers respect my pronouns

ive been dressing a lot more feminine than i anticipated. but im having fun with it! its okay if im actually more feminine presenting than fluid like i previously thought. but also i could have another big swing in the opposite direction. i feel comfortable and stylish either way so im welcoming whatever changes

the gender fuckery of facial hair, flat chest and skirt has been *chefs kiss*

my t levels are on par with cis men! just knowing that makes me smile. estrogen is still high but it wasnt a concern with the doctor so im mostly okay with it

my libidos leveled out nicely, it's still a lot higher than before t but its not as intense as when i first started. adjusting to it has been pretty easy and im happy with where it currently sits.

body acne has mostly gone away! and i haven't had any massive breakouts or changes in my skin!

i swear to god i went down at least a cup size. its been waiting for the right time to pursue top surgery a hell of a lot easier. i always felt like if i had a smaller chest i wouldnt necessarily need top surgery, and i still want it but im more content with my chest now

i think all in all ive had to adjust my expectations for how id look by now, maybe its the dosage or genetics or aforementioned high estrogen or it just hasn't been long enough but i always expected to look more masculine this far in. it's still something i have to deal with from time to time but ultimately im happy with my body and im more okay taking this slowly than i anticipated

i dont have a conclusion for this other than wow. testosterone is one hell of a drug

[booksandpaperss]

some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

[thisdreamplace]

Hey dream! just a heads up, this is gonna be a pretty long ask i hope you don’t mind 😭 but i sent you an ask earlier this year and your response helped but i still find myself struggling with quite a few things when it comes to the law 💀 i’ve been contemplating on sending another ask for some time now because honestly, i didn’t want to go asking people for advice because i felt like i had to figure this stuff out all by myself. but, i’ve finally decided that it’s okay to have some guidance and i think you’re the right person to come to for that 💃🏽 lately i’ve been feeling kind of lost? like i feel stuck. i started consistently listening to edward art’s videos on youtube and i feel like they helped a bit, then i got back on tumblr after a long time and i started reading your posts along with heavenlythea’s and some others. and i think my views on the law are starting to change?? like i’ve been reading posts about letting go and indifference, non duality and i’m like oh! okay that makes sense but then i’ve been so used to things not happening for me and “failing”, sometimes i still wonder “is any of this even real? am i really the I AM?” and i really don’t know how to get myself out of that. like i’m waking up everyday trying to figure this out and i’m still having the same old, boring ass experiences 💀💀 i feel like every time i think i’m close to figuring it all out i get stuck and then i’m like 🧍🏽‍♀️🤔 okay now what? but then…i’m not sure i actually know what i want fr lolll. so yea, i hope that wasn’t confusing 😭 but some advice would be very much appreciated 🤍 also, could i be 🤸🏽‍♀️ anon?

hiii 🤸🏽‍♀️ anon :3

yeah, there's totally no harm in coming back to someone/something time to time that helps guide you forward !! we don't have to constantly be alone and figure everything out for ourselves, this world is totally a guide.

hmm you wonder how to get yourself out of the questioning but don't. i think that... it's pretty normal to stay there, even for a long time. i think online you see a lot of people who are like, "it all clicked over night <3" which is great but i think for many of us it actually turns out to be a .... journey. and thats what i try to highlight and normalize a lot through what i share.

when you say how youre always trying to figure this out and youre waking up always having the same old experiences... it's because you continue to be the same old you. how could you expect anything different ? bc you understand the concepts on a thinking level ? that doesn't do much for us. the true change comes in changing in ourselves, in actually practicing what it is we read about. we put so much pressure on the ego to make sense of something it's not meant to make sense of. the god within already knows, so stop taking that on as your daily task. your daily task is actually surrender, acceptance, trust. to enjoy and experience these things you read about. not just think about it and try to understand it.

you mention how youre so used to "failure" and i get it, because i was too for so, so long. and tbh the way i got myself out of that was simple. i decided to dare to think for once i can experience smth new, for once i can experience a new outcome. and that's all i did. i didnt miraculously heal my anxiety or suddenly realize how im god and none of this is real. i just let myself be, and opened myself up to the possibility of something different than what i'm used to. and that was literally enough. it's not that hard, we just tend to be scared of letting it be simple.

i hope this makes sense, and i'm excited to hear about how you advance in your journey xo

[reilleclan-blog]

I was really hoping I could leave my abusive mother but I'm still stuck here. I had lost hope with certain things until I got a call about an apartment and I thought it'd be this but the universe keeps taking opportunities away from me I don't understand what I'm supposed to do . I feel trapped and yeah I feel like I will never escape I don't make enough money for the apartment and it's possibly gone to someone else. I tried getting another client but they haven't reached out to me since last week. Literally posting on the internet and interacting with others is all I have most ppl in my life wouldn't care about anything I feel pride over. I don't want to argue I don't want to fight . I don't I just want to live but it's hard all the time.

At this point I'm gonna say a lot of stuff that is stressing me out and if that means "exposing" then I guess so. My mother began spam texting me to clean .. basically the entire house b/c I'm home or b/c "I don't work a real job" I work part time and with my adhd and autism I'm lucky I still have a job. But I don't understand why I'd ever have to clean this big ass house ON MY OWN when I've cleaned it MULTIPLE times on my own just for my mother to re dirty it not even trying to keep it clean how it was. It feels like if she wants to talk to me she talks to me just to boss me around and that's it. She doesn't have problems with other ppl's daughters helping them or FEEDING them. Cause btw when I moved back in with my mother she wouldn't feed me she'd go out not saying where or when she'd be back and have leftovers spoil or wouldn't let me have anything when she knew I wasn't working and knew I was barely eating.

So yeah the little money I had "saved" went to buying $100 worth of groceries or fast food cause I didn't have many options. And again I'm fucking disabled but nobody cares about that b/c I'm not "disabled on the outside". But back to cleaning this house MOST OF THE MESS is from my MOTHER everything is from my mother. I'm not perfect I have some clothes I haven't picked up a couple unwashed dishes but most of that is from my mother and her doing favors for ppl b/c she wants to be liked or whatever.

I don't have a problem helping my mom but when I'm being berated and told I'm lazy just for this lady to spam text me to clean up HER MESS. And for her to call our family to tell them I'm lazy.. and I'm just wasting oxygen in this stupid fucking house.. that's not a good feeling at all. And I hate that I care for my mother but if I don't do something her way or right away or (in this case cleaning an entire downstairs by myself when it has papers and arts and crafts and HER SHOES and she has a TON of clothes she's bought) I'm immediately "the bad guy" I'm so tired of these fucking ppl I'm so tired of family saying "we don't know what went on in that house" THATS RJFHT U DONT SO WHY THE FJCK DO YALL MAKE ME THE VILLIAN B/C U SEE ONE ASPECT OF OUR LIVES OR INTERACTIONS. I'm so fucking tired THIS IS LKKE EVERYDAY MESS.

Yes I'm not the cleanest but I KEEP MY MESS IN MY ROOM AND MY ROOM WOULD LOOK LIKE THE CLEANIEST IN THIS BITCH IF U SEEN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. IM TJRED I WANT TO LEAVE I WANT TO FUCKING EXPERIENCE THAT MAYBE SOMETHING CAN BE GOOD OUT THERE INSTEAD OF LIVING IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. AND MIND U WHEN I WAS ASKING MY MOTHER FOR HELP WITH THE APARTMENT SHE TOLD ME SHE EOULD HELP THEN CHANGED HER MIND AND I BEGSN TK CRY MY EYES IUT BECAUSE JF IT WAS ANYONE ELSES KID SHE WOULD HELP THEM THEN LETTER SHE GAVE ME WHAT I NEEDED BUT WHY WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED TK BE HURT BY THESES "ADULTS" IM TOLD IM LOVED BUTNI HAVE NEVER DELT IT NEVER

MY DAD IS JUST S HUSK OF A DUDE I CALL DAD IM SO FUCKING TIRED IM TIRED . I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE ALMOST ALL THE TIME BECAUSE J FEEL BROKEN I FEEL ALONE THATS ALL I FEEL I FUCKING HATE THJS PLACE I actually sh and at this point it really just feels like only options. I feel trapped I try to embrace myself with hobbies I love but I constantly see stuff I don't have or what others have or what's happening around our world but I'm still stuck in this hell hole feeling trapped. I'd say I have become happier as a person but my mother just takes it away and finds any reason to hate me. Yes it feels like she hates me and my father and at this point I don't think anyone can convince me they don't. I want to forget everything and move on but my brain constantly brings up my trauma I don't want to remember it.

If u tell me to "just be positive" I might shoot someone in the face. I'm JOKING HAHAHA I'm just so lost I wish I felt like I was cared for I wish someone would even care as I type this out. Nobody cares not even my blood

I don't think anyone wouldn't care if i disappeared but it'd be too late for anyone to care. I'm sorry I can't hold on I don't know