#how could i possibly be doing enough when im constantly thinking about myself and how i feel

[depresseddepot]

does anyone have any writing advice about what to do/how to proceed when you keep re-outlining a plot because "wait that might be better"

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Oooo I have a request if that's still okay. I have like constantly been thinking about like the fluff possibilities of like winding down after a mission with Tan (or the Twins together). Just the vibes of being in some random terrible hotel and trying to wind down from the adrenaline of the mission.

(I dont know if that is enough for a request, it's probrably more of a drabble unless you get hit with inspiration of the gods. But no pressure to write it, it's just been in my brain lately)

Also I hope you're doing okay❤️❤️❤️

OOUHHH YEAA!! love it!! thanks for requesting 💌

ADAPT.

idk how to tag this, but implied tan x reader at the end?? but lots of lemon involved. idk im confused myself😭

wc. 1033 no warnings. just some blood mentions but it’s nothing really

⎯ ☆ ⎯

Desperate times call for desperate measures. It always has, especially in the field you work in. You have to be able to adapt constantly, change your plans at a drop of the hat.

And while this situation seemed catastrophic to your fairly new team, it was far less dire than they made it out to be: your mishap with bookings at the hotel — somehow reserving a room for a year in advance. Simple mistake really; it was late. You were tired, you were in the car when searching for hotels, you pulled your muscle, your phone was dying, the list was endless.

The twins were notably disappointed to hear that the hotel was fully booked, the spa across the lobby acting like a giant slap in the face to them. While you too were disappointed, you were rather embarrassed: your first time taking charge of accommodation only for it to be fumbled. 

And so you had to adapt, put that motto into place for the dozenth time today. You found a shabby run down motel online that’s only a couple miles away, though it didn’t look the best. While this was a foreign country to you, this is work, not a holiday. There was nothing else available so it should have to do.

Tangerine pulls into the car park, exchanging a couple glances with Lemon in the passenger seat beside him. And with your seat in the back, you had a rather clear view of their disgust for the motel. Yes, it was utterly disgusting, but it did sting to see their contempt. 

The rental car pulls to a halt and you jump out, heading for the main office — practically welcoming the idea for the brothers to have a bitching session about you. 

You collect the keys and head back to the car, knocking on Tangerine’s window, motioning for him to slide it down. 

“So, more bad news,” you start, looking between either brother. “Could only get one room. There’s something going on in town this weekend, so they’re fully booked up. I couldn’t really understand him, but I think that's what he said anyway.”

Lemon’s head theatrically back forward from the news and Tangerine just sighs, a deep exhalation of air as if to tell you he wasn’t too pleased. They pause briefly, like they were gathering the courage before finally unbuckling their seat belts.

You step back from the driver’s door and head to the boot, pulling out all your bags. They join you moments later and grab their overnight bags from the floor, slinging them over their shoulders. 

“Right, which one is our shit heap?” Tangerine asks, looking around. 

“Better not be that one,” Lemon mumbles, pointing at the door with the flickering light ahead, a suspicious box sitting outside. 

You look down at the key, trying to read the number though it's hard to see with its worn use. “Number nine?” you question, tilting it towards the street light to get a better look. 

You all walk forwards in search of the room and lo and behold — it does get worse. It's the one that Lemon very vocally shared his distaste over, that same spiel continuing as you get closer to your room for the night. Though Tangerine is quiet, his brain sure to be loud with thoughts that may be too unkind to share. 

You put the key into the door and open it slowly, making sure there isn't someone or something in there. The twins cock their guns behind you, pointing their barrels into the darkness of the room while you search for the light switch.

“Fuck me,” Tangeine mumbles, taking in the room. 

You’re rather stunned too, the appearance of the motel inside somehow worse than the appearance outside. 

“Someone definitely died in here,” Lemon proclaims, looking around. “Right here, I reckon,” he points to a brown patch on the rusty red carpet beside the bed. “Christ! Look at that! That’s got to be blood.”

“Fucking hell,” Tangerine continues to mutter, glancing over the state of the walls. Bright yellow wallpaper peeling and cracking at the sight. “This is dreadful. Proper dreadful.”

“We’re gonna be killed tonight, I just know it,” Lemon continues.

“This is bad.”

“Gonna die with my last meal being a shit, warm sandwich from a service station.”

“Good god.”

Their muttering voices begin to dwindle and finally they turn to you still standing by the door, their faces simultaneously softening when they spot how unimpressed you look. How almost upset you are by their words. You knew you messed up, but they did not have to go on and on about it.

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

They glance between each other in that way siblings often do, communicating without words essentially. And then they walk towards you, hands reaching for either arm to give them a lighthearted shake. 

“It’s just been a long day, that's all,” Tangerine speaks up, trying to make light of the situation. 

“It’s really not that bad,” Lemon grimaces with the lie, his face unable to sell fib. 

You laugh, shaking your head quickly. “No, it really is terrible.”

“It’s vile.”

“I’m not even gonna be able to sleep a wink.”

“Should we sleep in the car… or?” you prosopse and Lemon immediately bolts for the door rushing to the rental out front.

You and Tangerine look between yourselves and smile at the antics. And as you go to step out of the room, Tangerine stops you — calling your name.

“Hey uh,” he rubs over his arm, seeming to stall. “I hope we weren’t being too hard on you.”

You turn to look at him and your smile widens. “I know,” you nod. “Just been a long day.”

“Right.”

You reply with another nod and itch away slowly, heading out into the night and for the office once more. And as you turn around, you see him lingering in the frame of the door, gaze following you like he was looking after you — visually surveilling your safety as you walk through the unfamiliar car park.

Well that's what he told himself anyway, that it was about your safety. Lemon’s view from beside the car painting a different picture.

⎯ ☆ ⎯

[kiyomitakada]

Mello for the character ask?

oh silly mello where would we be without your silliness

favorite thing about them: god i don't reread the mello parts of arc 2 enough to pick. uhhhh. i like that he's legitimately brilliant and that he figured out kira can kill without heart attacks on his own just by studying the death rates in the months before higuchi was caught. he's a wildcard but he's also a strategic genius. i also like that he is insufferably extra WHY does he have a christian cross on his GUN

least favorite thing about them: called misa stupid. fuck off

favorite line: "i don't underestimate revenge as a motive." that OR "then i guess i'm going to have to do it"

brOTP: the actual answer is halle and mello but i've talked about them so i am going to say him and matt <3 i am constantly undecided on whether this is platonic or romantic to me but i love that mello is like "okay im going to japan now. follow me" and matt is like "what the hell, sure." what is wrong with them. matt do you not have anything better to do. also matt trying to get mello to take over his job monitoring misa is so funny to me it's such a weird injection of frat bro culture into death note of all media

OTP: meronia forever. love story of all time in, again, death note of all media. truly fucking insane how it's basically confirmed that mello didn't plan the kidnapping to beat near but to save him. mello is the only character! in the entire series! to actually experience positive development! puts aside his inferiority complex because there is no race without near, because near needs him, because he needs near, because they are two halves of one whole and mello has always known something is missing in him and only figures out who it is five years later. what the fuck man. extremely sad that this realization is exactly what gets him killed

nOTP: i have not yet figured out the appeal of mello/light although i am sure i could be convinced. mello deserves the older yagami

random headcanon: i talked about this a little while pondering fem!mello but i like the idea that he got a lot of passive aggression for his haircut in wammy's which made him absolutely determined to keep said haircut forever even when he starts not liking it anymore. and after the explosion he's like [lying face down on concrete, waves of pain racking his twink frame] i……… have an excuse to change my hair now……………

also the blue lipstick is because he heard from somewhere that blue was L's favorite color

unpopular opinion: i don't think of him as catholic :pensive: it's possible that he used to be and is lapsed? or left the faith? but i usually see his extremely aggressive use of catholic stuff as decoration as more of a fuck you to the idea of god than anything. the one thing that contradicts this is the rosary (mihael whyyy do you wear the rosary around your neck in plain view whyyyyy) but i wonder if it's more of a, like… comfort object than anything? if that makes sense?? i don't knowww i don't really see mello as someone riddled with the catholic guilt that most catholic-mello interpretations give him. however i am not a mello understander so perhaps i should read more meta to figure out his Deal first

on a higher thematic level i like this interpretation of the christian imagery for both misa and mello as symbolism of them worshipping a false god (light and L respectively)

and OH WAIT I REMEMBERED MY ACTUAL UNPOPULAR OPINION: i pronounce his real name mee-hyle kale. the way soichiro (english dub) does it. sorry.

song i associate with them: i found this song just last week (i'm late i know) but oh my god

I'm gonna get myself in fighting trim Scope out every angle of unfair advantage I'm gonna bribe the officals, I'm gonna kill all the judges It's gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage Our mother has been absent Ever since we founded Rome But there's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home, oh

god it's just so. it just sounds like him. it's gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage!

favorite picture of them:

im obsessed with the shading on this. it doesn't make any goddamn sense. how did livor mortis set in that fast???? he's drawn with pale skin everywhere else in the manga! he should be turning paler in the first few minutes after death! i know they probably did this to be dramatic but what is going on here!

(also i have feelings about mello dying with eyes open and L dying with eyes closed. nothing coherent but. gestures)

[jjkeremika]

Heyy how are you? i hope you are doing fine <3 can you write sick zeke headcanons plss? or maybe sick hc for all the aot boys but including him plss? thx i love how you write them

hi friend<3 sorry for the delay. been thinking on this on A LOT because i feel like zeke acts differently depending on how sick he is.

also features of reiner, eren, jean, and armin

zeke jaeger

• if it’s a little cold, a couple sniffles and a sore throat, zeke is convincing you that he’s perfectly healthy. totally immune.

• was that a cough? nope. just clearing his throat so you can hear him talk about how healthy he is with perfect vocals.

• does his voice sound a little scratchy? he thought you might like a change in tone, something a little hoarser, a little raspier. so he’s “practicing” speaking differently. like the talented, thoughtful man he strives to be.

• was that a sneeze? no. never sneezed before in his life. maybe you’re not feeling well and are hallucinating. do you want him to fetch you some tea? maybe a cold towel for your forehead?

• sick?! hah! as if. sick of you asking how he’s feeling, maybe. but seriously. nothing to worry your pretty little head over. he’s perfectly fine.

• "yn, honey, honestly, stop asking. I'm really okay. I can do the same fifty push-ups today that I could do yesterday. Need me to prove it? Get on the floor. I'll do it over you~"

• but then when he’s really, really sick—like, can’t hide it anymore sick, bedridden with a fever sick—he’s obsessed with your attention. constantly calling for you to feel his forehead, because he’s so warm and the back of your hand and your so soft lips are oh-so cool and soothing

• could you be a darling and maybe fetch him some tea? please let it cool first, though. his throat is on fire and he feels like he's dying. he needs something cold to quell the heat burning up his insides

• he’s got his arms weakly wrapped around you because he just can’t muster the strength to keep you from pulling away. but he wants you to stay so so badly. he’s burning hot and he wants you to stay and be his snuggle buddy, his comfy weighted blanket

reiner

• total weenie (affectionate)

• 100% makes his condition out to be worse because he loves you doting on him.

• “baby, i think i have the flu,” he’ll complain with a light cough. he preens as you touch the back of your hand to his forehead. any touch from you is enough to lift his feverish heat. “hm,” you’ll hum sweetly, “no fever, reiner.” reiner will cross his arms in a huff, disagreeing with your verdict. “that’s just cause your hands cold!”

• “will you please make me some soup? i’m so hungry. my stomach is eating itself.” “no it’s not, reiner.” “you can’t prove that! with the flu, anything’s possible.” “you don’t have the flu, rei.”

• "babe, can you pass me the tv remote? i'd do it myself but im oh-so weak, and my usually strong, healthy muscles are suffering from this body cold..."

armin

• does this man even get sick? someone coughs near him and he’s pulling a mask out of his bag, protecting himself and you from any rogue pathogens from entering his body. he washes his hands like crazy, dresses for every weather change so that his internal temperature never deviates. his immune system is as strong as boulders.

• but when he does get sick, he's so incredibly nervous about infecting you, he needs to keep his distance. fights his body to keep you away.

• he so desperately wants to be close to you, but he's too conscious about infections and spread. and he's too loving to be the reason you get sick. you need to stay beautiful and happy and healthy. not coughing and sniffling because of a cold.

jean

• plays video games the whole time when you’re not around. tries to be near you when you are. he’s sick? well, uhh, can he still kiss your cheek? can he still sit next to you? will you hand him that nice cozy blanket? will you cuddle him under that nice cozy blanket?

• still adamant about how he can take care of himself, wants to reassure you that despite his illness he still is capable of looking out for himself and grabbing drinks/food/blankets for himself.

• but, well, let's be realistic. he'd do the same for you, so he just wants some love like that too.

• he's also convinced your touch and your love is healing. a couple kisses on the cheeks later and he's already feeling better.

• oh, but not too much better. because then he won't get as many kisses. and he looooves your kisses.

eren

• it must run in the family. sick but doesn’t care, acts like he’s perfectly healthy and normal anyway. continues to go about his day, doesn't really care about who he's infecting. doesn't really think about other people to be honest.

• when he’s really sick though, he uses it as a bartering chip. “i can’t go to your event tonight, baby, im too sick. i need to stay home and rest up to get better like you said.”

• “can you make me some soup please? i would get up to do it myself but im just soooo sick.”

• “will you turn the tv on for me love? my body feels so cold and weak.”

• argumentative if you say no and argue against it. but gives you the sweetest, most innocent smile every time you give in and do anything for him in this state.

[anucalor]

Mutuals pt.2 (Onyankopon x Black! Reader)

haii! im so sorry for taking literally forever to post this. i was so ready to get back into writing, but i started taking my classes full time (which i passed（＾∇＾）) but now i am getting ready for state and with three jobs... its a lot lol. but im ready to try to get back into it!

i also have Kofi if you ever wanted to support in other ways!

anywho, here ya go!

y/n is a little shy. when she moves back home, her friend mika tries to get her out the house. what better way than to meet mutuals?

(w.c. 2.6k)

warnings: none, language (if any)

__________

It’s Thursday. 

Today shouldn’t hold so much weight, but it did. Besides being the beautiful day before a weekend, it’s the day before Ony and I go on our first date.  

I can’t help but think about it every now and then. Receiving his texts throughout the day doesn’t help either. I've realized he’s much more of a subtle flirt than I would have thought, constantly catching me off guard. I smile and shake my head before looking away from my Apple watch to continue charting. 

I check the time and see it’s a little after seven o’clock. After filling in a few people on my floor and making sure everything is logged in, I go to my locker and grab my belongings. I make my way to the elevator and ride down to the first floor. As soon as I step off of the elevator, I get a phone call. 

Ony. 

I bite my lip to prevent myself from smiling too much before answering. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, pretty girl,” I smile a little wider, “how was work?” 

“It was good. Walking to my car, now.” 

We make casual talk as I continue towards my car. Once I’m inside with my doors locked, I start my engine and begin making my way home. After a few minutes, Ony finally brings up the day I’ve been too nervous to ask about. 

“Mmm... you ready for tomorrow, mama?” 

My heart skips. 

“I, uhh, I am.” I try to sound as relaxed as possible. I can only hope he doesn’t hear how hesitant I sound. 

“What’s wrong? You don’t sound so sure.” 

Of course, he heard... 

“I’m sure... I just have a lot on my mind,” I explain softly. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Ony offers. 

I smile, "Just excited for tomorrow, ‘s all.” I can almost hear his smile in his ‘mhm.’ 

I assume that’s a fine enough answer because Ony doesn’t push the topic, opting to change the subject.  

After about a 10-minute drive, I finally made it back home. I grab all of my belongings and make my way towards the door, making sure to lock my car. I unlock the door to my apartment and walk in, making sure to lock it, as well. 

“You inside yet, mama?” I hear Ony’s voice mumble through my phone. 

“Yeah, I’m inside.” I walk to the island in the kitchen and put my bag on the counter before looking over at my buzzing phone.  

Ony is FaceTiming me.  

I answer the call and gently lean my phone against a nearby object on my counter so that he can see me. The call finally connects and I see Ony leaning back in his chair, fingers moving around on his controller as he plays the game. The corners of my lips slightly raise at the sight of him before I look away for a moment to place one hand on the counter and use the other to remove my shoes. 

“You look pretty, (N/N),” I hear him say over the speaker. 

  I couldn’t help but chuckle as I pick up my phone, shoes, and purse and walk to my bedroom. 

“You say that every time we're on the phone,” I mention with a tired yet teasing tone, “but thank you.” 

He ignores my initial statement and smiles, eyes returning to his TV screen, “You’re welcome.” 

~ 

The night goes on as it normally would; I change and sit on the phone with Yanni for a little over an hour before deciding it is time for me to take a shower and go to bed. 

When I wake up the next morning, it takes me a moment to become fully oriented. When I do, I can’t help but think about how the night could go. Ony and I can realize that being friends is what’s best; we could not like one another, or we could continue in pursuit of a relationship. Of course, I’m hoping for the latter, but only time will tell.  

After talking to God about my worries, I feel a little better and finally decide to get up and get ready, leaving my phone on its charger. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I walk into my room and look through my wardrobe for a dress that’s fancy enough for a dinner date but not overly obnoxious. Wanting to remain on the safe side, I decide on a long black, long-sleeved dress with some heels. Feeling content with my decision, I decide to pick up my phone to check any notifications. 

The very first one is from Ony. 

Ony: Good morning pretty girl. Ima be a little busier today so I won’t be able to talk much. Make sure you’re ready by 6. I’ll see you soon 

I smile before responding to his text, feeling slight butterflies in my tummy. I make sure to let him know I appreciate him telling me he’d be busy and that I’ll see him tonight. Checking the time, I decide to go ahead and grab some breakfast, opting for some fruit, feeling too nervous to eat too much. 

I try to talk myself down, trying not to get worked up over some guy.  

‘It’s just another date with another guy... it’s just another date with another guy... but it’s not.’ 

There's something about Onyan that makes me hope that what we have goes further than ‘just another date.’ Although we’ve only really been able to speak over the phone since we met, he seems to be more genuine than any other person who has tried to pursue me. Mikasa’s words continue to play in my mind as well. Knowing from a reliable source that he doesn’t mess around for fun also puts me a little at ease.  

I just need to relax and trust that no matter what happens, everything’s gonna be okay. 

~  

I sit in front of my vanity, applying any finishing touches I think I need. I stand and take in my appearance. A smile makes its way onto my lips as I reach to grab some perfume. I spray to my heart’s content before grabbing my purse and phone and walking to the living room. Again, I look in the large mirror at my reflection, feeling happy with how I look. Minutes pass before I hear a knock on my door. 

My heart drops to my stomach. I take a deep breath before walking to the door, unlocking and opening it. Once it’s open, I see Ony with a bouquet of light pink roses with white lilies. I give an endearing smile before hugging him. 

“Ony, these are beautiful. Thank you.” 

He carefully wraps his arms around me, a smile on his face as he responds, “You’re welcome, (N/N). I’m glad you like them.” 

I lean away before gently taking the bouquet from his grasp, my hand lightly brushing against his. I lead him inside for a moment while I carefully replace my older flowers with the newer ones. Once that’s done, I grab my purse. 

“You ready?” Ony glances up from his phone once he sees that I have my purse. 

I nod and watch as he smiles, taking in my outfit for the night.  

“You look beautiful, (Y/N).” He stands from the barstool he sat in while he waited and makes his way to me with his hand out.  

  I take my lower lip into my mouth to try to prevent me from smiling like an idiot, and it just barely works. My hand interlocks with his as I respond. “Thank you, and you look very handsome.”  

Which is true. Ony has on a solid black shirt with some loose black pants and white forces. He, of course, has his chain and studs on and a black and white bomber jacket. He bites his lip as he looks down at me for a moment.  

“Thank you, mama.”  I smile before looking at the ground. Ony let out a breathy chuckle at the way I couldn’t hold eye contact before leading us to his car. He leads me to the passenger’s side and opens the door for me. I give a soft thank you before sitting down and bringing my legs inside. When I get situated, he closes the door and makes his way to the driver's side before driving off.  

~ 

After 25 minutes, we make it to our restaurant. I know I haven’t been here before, so I don’t know what to expect. Ony parks and makes his way to my side to help me out. I place my hand in his while he leads us inside the restaurant. The host leads us to a secluded booth towards the back of the restaurant. We walk hand in hand until we reach the area, separating only to sit across from one another. Our host hands us our menus and tells us our waitress will be with us soon. 

I gently look through the menu, eyes slowly gazing over what all the restaurant has to offer. Ony, sitting across from me, can’t help but allow his eyes to gaze over me, only giving his menu half the attention since he already knows what he wants. He swiftly thinks of something to talk about and opens his mouth to speak. 

“Don’t hesitate to get anything you want, by the way. ” My eyes flicker up to his at the sound of his voice. I smile softly before briefly returning my eyes back to the menu. 

“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” 

Ony gently licks his lips before closing his menu completely and giving me his undivided attention. 

After that, conversation was nothing short of wonderful - Ony smoothly leading the us from one topic to another. I could feel my attraction for him grow the more he spoke to me in that soft, deep tone that I’ve grown used to. Due to me not being the best conversationalist, I was hesitant for this date, but it comes so naturally with him. As if he knows exactly what to say and when to say it. 

From childhood memories to stories about work to ranting about the group that we’ve grown to love so dearly. It felt as though we had known each other for years.

After ordering, it took us bit before our food was brought out to us. Even then we joke about how it got quiet when we started eating, knowing that the restaurant he picked was a good choice. We each took our time, slowly realizing that we didn’t want the night to end just yet. Even after Ony paid for our meal, we still stayed to talk for about another 30 minutes.  

After laughing at a joke he said, I turned my phone over on the table to check the time and sigh. 

“Ony, we should probably head out. It’s getting late.” 

He picks up his phone and gives a soft smile. 

“Yeah, you right... Alright, let’s go, pretty girl,” he directs softly before standing. 

 I scoot just a little before turning my legs to the outside of the booth where Ony was waiting with his hand outstretched. I gently place my hand in his and stand. 

“You got everything?” I turn to make sure I didn't drop anything before nodding.  

“Mhm, yeah. I’m good.” 

And with that, he leads us towards the exit. Once we get to his car, he opens the door for me before going to his side. I watch as he walks to his side, trying to hide the goofy grin that’s trying to make itself known.  

He finally sits down in the car before turning to look at me, narrowing his eyes slightly. 

“What?” he asks with a small grin. I shake my head before picking up my phone. 

“Nothing.” By the way I bit my lip to keep from smiling, I’m sure he knew it wasn’t ‘nothing,’ but he chose not to push. Opting for “whatever you say, (N/N.)” 

The drive to my house was mostly done so in peaceful silence. Other than the speakers and the occasional quip, we just enjoyed each other’s presence.  

After some time, Ony pulled into my apartment. He turned off his car and made his way to me. 

“Aww, such chivalry. Walking me to my door?” I quip once my hand is in his. 

He immediately smacks his lips before closing the door. “Mmcht, man gon’ on somewhere.” He couldn’t even finish the sentence without smiling, causing me to giggle. 

We make it to my door, and I turn to him with a sigh. 

“Thank you for agreeing to go out with me, (Y/N),” his voice low and clear.  

I lean my shoulder against the door and sleepily look him in his eyes. “Thank you for taking me out. I really had fun.” 

“Enough fun to want to do it again?” he asks, taking a step towards me. 

I look off to the side, hide my smile behind my hand before dropping it. “Yeah, Ony. Enough to want to do it again.” 

He looks down, a smile plastered on his face. 

Only a few moments passed before he looks back at me and takes another step forward. I tilt my head a little to the side before feeling him take my hand in his, standing directly in front of me. 

“I’m gonna be very honest, (Y/N) - I would really like to kiss you right now.” 

For some reason me being a little tired made me a little bold and I ask, “So why haven’t you?”  

A moment after those words left my mouth, Ony’s hand rests on my neck, his thumb, pointer, and ring finger gently grabbing my jaw to tilt my head upwards. He leans down and presses his soft lips onto mine. I don’t hesitate for a moment before meeting him halfway. Ony slides his other hand around my waist, pulling me in to completely close the space between us. My left hand slides to his wrist as he deepens the kiss.  

It felt too soon when he pulled away. I opened my eyes to see him looking intensely at me. I quickly shy away, opting to look at the ground, my hand gently rubbing the remnants of Ony from my lips as I try not to smile too hard. 

“Thank you again, Ony,” I mumble trying to keep my rapid heartbeat under control. 

Ony looked at me with an adorned look in his eyes.  

“You’re welcome, mama. Go get some rest, okay?”  

“You, too... Goodnight, Ony.”  

“Goodnight, (N/N).” 

---

It’s been three months since Ony and I have been dating, and it’s been amazing. He’s been amazing. He continues to show me just how caring and protective he is - genuine and fun. The way he never fails to make me smile (whether it be after a tough day at work, or I’m just feeling a little down) is something I didn’t realize I needed. 

‘I’m so glad I listened to Mika,’ is something I constantly think to myself. 

She was right when she told me that he would show me the type of person he is. 

And I couldn’t be happier. 

Ony and I are a little more comfortable with visiting each other's houses, opting to just stay in and relax most of the time. Each time we do, we learn so much about one another. From likes to dislikes to family and more. The more we spend time together, the more I can’t help but think about what it would be like to actually be in a committed relationship with him.  

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t try to shoo the thought away, but it’s so hard when Ony is... himself. Going above and beyond is not foreign to him. His emotional intelligence is evident through his desire for clear communication and his (surprising) amount of empathy.  

Gosh, he’s so wonderful. 

My thoughts are cut short by a soft *ping!*  I glance at my phone to see Ony’s name pop up. I bite back a smile before opening his message.

Yanni <3 : Be ready by 8. I got a surprise for you 

---

ah, please be nice. im still getting into the swing of things. i really hope you guys enjoyed this. please excuse any mistake!

i love you but Jesus loves you more. <3

@kxllanxtdoor

@prettypink-princesss

@sevikasblackgf

pt.1

[zoniteillusion-pyritedreams]

can you read wonbin from riize current energy? he just revealed that he not doing well mentally and have some self-esteem issues while also having serious injuries im just so scared that he will go into hiatus bc he clearly been struggling alot since that October situation. 💔

“How’s Wonbin from RIIZE really doing?”

A little messy, but baby, there’s light at the end of that emo tunnel.

Mood Check:

Wonbin is deep in his “I’m trying my best, but I don’t even know if I like myself right now” era. The energy is raw, restless, and quietly aching. (Think, lying in bed at night replaying every interaction he’s had in the last 6 months.)

There’s a mix of self-doubt, burnout, and that classic "I know I have potential but why can’t I feel it?” spiral.

( very kind of was going to end up happening kind of spiraling for Life a better way of putting it. I feel like because of everything that has been going on with the group and the company a lot of the members but specially him have been in this weird space. Like they've been working so hard all the music videos all the preparations for this falling album come back while also still dealing with the alleged so-called "fans" that have also been demanding some form of perfection that they just don't have the energy to be giving.)

Self-Esteem Status:

He’s struggling, but not defeated.

A part of him knows he’s talented, beautiful, and admired (because duh... He's freaking Wonbin. But on the other hand he's definitely seen the comments online and the allegations from some of their again so called ot 6 fans about his Beauty being malfactured or him only being attractive when he is staring forward blankly" I'm not even a big fan of this group but I'm not going to lie when I saw that people were making comments like that about this man it fucking pissed me off because these so called fans forget that artists are constantly struggling with their physical image because of the stupid ass beauty standards that have been created by society and their companies and it's like he is interactive looking dude. Then again these are probably the same motherfuckers that thought that Sohee was it attractive looking either so it's kind of just like damn maybe y'all should look in the mirror or stop projecting because you most likely had worked on or want to get work done.) but another part just can’t feel it right now.

He’s in a tug-of-war between knowing his worth and not trusting his impact. A constant loop of second-guessing.

There’s also this pressure to be Perfect or perform at a level that leaves no room for humanity which is Virgo energy in reverse, screaming “I must do everything flawlessly or I am nothing.”

(I don't think I can sit here and emphasize enough while doing this reading help pissed off I am over the energy I'm getting. Mainly because a lot of this feels like it could have been avoided but once again the company is not doing their job properly. In terms of protecting their artists and giving them the proper tools to handle and deal with certain things.)

Emotionally?

He’s low-key isolating. Not in a dramatic “leave me alone” way, but in a quiet, “I don’t want to burden anyone” kind of way.

He feels like he’s walking through fog trying to make sense of who he is outside of the expectations, outside of the noise.

Past heartbreak, disappointment, & feeling misunderstood is still lingering. He’s trying to move on, but there’s a wound that hasn't totally healed.

(I'll never forgive this goddamn company for not sitting here and actively protecting them. I stated before and my other reading said it's definitely been affecting all of the members but it feels like it's starting to physically manifest in quite a few of them in terms of second guessing their positions. How well they are taking care of by the company but also how much they actually matter to the fandom. Like could they possibly be the next member kicked out over something stupid? Are they protected do the fans even care? Definitely The Vibes and the feeling that was coming through while doing this reading.)

What’s Lifting Him Up?

There’s a little spark still alive in him. A soft flicker of joy moments when he does feel appreciated, seen, or connected (Three of Vessels / Joy).

He’s learning that healing isn’t linear. Some days he wants to run the world, other days he just wants to disappear into his hoodie and vibe to sad playlists.

Whether he knows it or not, he’s building quiet resilience. There’s strength in the fact that he’s still showing up even if he’s emotionally checked out sometimes.

What He Needs:

Space to redefine success on his terms.

Genuine affirmation, not just “you’re hot” comments. (although those help too little bit at this point in time.)

A creative outlet that isn’t performative, is something that lets him express, not impress.

( he needs to find an outlet that allows him to be creative without feeling like he's putting on a show. Where he's able to just be creative to be creative it's not being judged by anyone whether it's the company or the fans etc. Also again if you guys end up on their social media accounts and there's a photo of him or did he post something up give it lots of love be like well look at this talented handsome man thank you for existing. I feel like that would definitely help out quite a bit matter of fact I feel like it would help a lot of Idols out quite a bit but especially what he's feeling according to the cards and the energy right now it's definitely The Vibes that he needs to be seeing more of.)

Spiritual Message (courtesy of Nyx):

“You are not broken. You are becoming.”

" Let go of perfection. Let go of shame. There’s transformation blooming beneath the surface even if all you see right now is soil."

Overview:

Wonbin is in a vulnerable place, fighting to balance who he is with who he thinks he has to be. He’s tired, tender, and rebuilding. But once he finds his footing again?

He’ll be unstoppable.

Send him love. He needs it more than we know.

[maruyaaya]

hihi ime (if u dont mind me calling u that) but once again i need ur help, so as you can i am making a fanfic in modern au (kinda filipino highschool love vibes) andndndnd i need your opinions on the characters from greek myth i will using (writing)

the character includes

neoptolemus telemachus peisistratus orestes nuisicaa electra iphigenia hermione nicostratus

andand if yk ppl from greek myth that like in the afterwar of trojan war plsplspls tell me so i can add them :3333 should i add the gods also? (also can i add on how would you think writing them i mean the other characters esp the women?) btw, im making this fanfic fluff and cheesy (NO ANGST!! i have enough of them) thank you mwamwamwaps

HELLOO!!! i absolutely do not mind you calling me ime!! my name is very difficult to pronounce for english speakers so i basically go by every variation of it ever LOL anyways i digress

so surprisingly enough, i actually haven't reread the odyssey in a very long time (i'm an iliad girlie at heart i'd sleep with that thing under my pillow like alexander the great) but, to nobody's surprise, i have a lot to say so i'm going to do my best!!

THIS IS A BANGER CAST THO the dynamics between them will be so fun thats so exciting. i love that its kinda a "younger gen" bc so often you see a focus on the achilles/odysseus/agamemnon generation and a lot of the children get ignored so this is really fun!!

maybe im dumb and stupid but i think youre asking abt how i write those characters so ill yap about that and if thats not what youre asking then idk me and my iliterate ass will just go fuck myself i guess? LMFAO i have written so many essays in the past week april is the worst month of the year i'm so dumb right now

neoptolemus is so... ugh i did not care for him at all until i started writing senses and then suddenly he became one of my favourites. neo is typically written as very abrasive with a short-fuse. he's very arrogant in his abilities, but like achilles, that arrogance is earned as he's written as a very good fighter. i think he should be written as very emotionally stunted—he doesn't understand other people's emotions but he also doesn't understand his own. this could be hilarious to me in a modern au because that man just does not understand anything that anyone says to him. he should have a resting bitch face. he always looks angry and he probably is angry. his self-esteem should be crazy wacky like he should be constantly telling people "i am the best and you are nothing compared to me" but at the same time, he should be constantly afraid of disappointing people. neo's characterization is really interesting bc most of the myths portray him as being needlessly brutal, but then you have ones by sophocles or euripides who portray him as actually having a lot of remorse for what he does and only does them because he thinks he has to. i think you could have a lot of fun deciding which of these characterizations you want to lean into.

telemachus is, to put it in the simplest words possible, a brat. he's very pessimistic and he's convinced everything sucks. basically in a modern au, he is your typical 16 year old going through an emo phase. i like to write him as very emotionally intelligent. he knows exactly what to say to piss someone off and he won't hesitate to do so. his favourite hobby is pushing at people's insecurities and seeing how they react. he also has a temper and he's very emotionally driven though i do think he's better at regulating his emotions than neo is. he's also very insecure. he is constantly afraid that he isn't good enough and i think that's very clear in his actions. he loves being annoying he's my fav brat and his words shoot to kill when he's mad (taylor swift reference even tho he would lowkey fucking hate taylor swift)

peisistratus is gay as hell (he and telemachus canonically share a bed in the odyssey btw). telemachus canonically refers to him as "joy of my heart" like i am so glad i'm a multishipper bc i could not come out of the odyssey and not ship telemachus and peisistratus. peisistratus has a fairly small role in the odyssey so you have a lot of free reign in how you want to characterize him (i'll be honest, i'm not 100% sure what fandom characterization of peisistratus is bc i've never been too into the telepeisi ship). in the odyssey, he's very well-spoken and eloquent. i like to think of him as kinda being impulse control for telemachus—he's better at controlling his emotions and not flying off the handle like telemachus does. he's also very horrendously down bad for telemachus. that cannot be ignored. he wants to hit so bad. he will laugh at so many bad jokes just to get a chance to hit.

orestes is so interesting to me! i think he's very logical and serious. i think he has a strong moral compass and gets very conflicted about whether he should stick to his moral compass or be loyal to the people around him. like after clytemnestra kills agamemnon, orestes doesn't want to kill his mother, but he does because he feels obligated to out of a sense of justice. he sees it as an act of loyalty to his father and the gods. and after killing his mother, orestes basically goes insane because he has so much guilt about it. i think he definitely does value justice. he wants to do what he thinks is right and he is willing to sacrifice himself for that . he's a very conflicted person. personality wise, i do like to think of him as relatively serious and not someone who flys off the handle or gets angry easily. i think he definitely thinks with his head, not his heart.

if you do want to include another character, there's pylades, who is orestes' cousin (and also rumoured lover (as is ancient greece) they could be written just as cousins tho or as romantic lol up to u. i’m pretty sure there’s some myths where they’re romantic where they aren’t even cousins at all and they’re just friends so u can do whatever u want really). when orestes can't decide whether or not he should kill clytemnestra, it's pylades who convinces him to go through with his plan. i kinda view pylades as being the impulsive side of orestes. they play off each other and where orestes is careful and logical, pylades is the guy who goes "fuck it we ball". orestes and pylades can have such a fun friendship. their relationship is very pylades: i'm gonna cut the sleeves off all of my shirts iphigenia: why? pylades: orestes isn't here and he's like 95% of my impulse control

(also btw orestes and pylades is where the “i’ll take care of you” “it’s rotten work” “not to me. not if it’s you” quote comes from so yeah. homosexual)

NAUSICAA MY BELOVED <3 some myths have her marrying telemachus after the events of the odyssey. she's extremely kind and compassionate. i like to think of her as being very trusting and like, she would give her life for anyone. she's definitely fairly emotionally mature, but i really like to think of her as kinda a hopeless romantic. she loves romance novels and daydreaming. however, this is not to say that she's naive bc i think the odyssey portrays her as pretty much the opposite of that. she's very aware of societal expectations and such and she knows how to carry herself in a way that ensures people will think of her positively. she's socially aware and intelligent. despite her hopeless romanticism, i think she's also pretty good at reading people and i like her and telemachus having that in common. they're both very good at reading each other. i think nausicaa's compassion and kindness should be some of her main traits when writing her. she should always be thinking about helping others out of the genuine goodness of her heart. i actually think in a modern au i would love to write telemachus and nausicaa having embarrassing puppy love crushes on each other like theyre so cute

ELECTRA IS SO INTRIGUING i'm honestly very attached to the electra, orestes, iphigenia sibling trio theyre so cute and tragic to me. as an interlude, i recommend the book clytemnestra by costanza casati! its a retelling of clytemnestra's myths and though the book has its flaws, i really love the way casati writes the dynamics between clytemnestra and her children. def worth reading it's very very good.

anyway electra is so <3 to me. she's one of my fav mythology figures. i think that she, orestes, and iphigenia should all be very close as siblings. that's what makes their myths all the more tragic. like not a day goes by that i don't think of the orestes: how could you recognize me after all these years? electra: what a stupid question. i was born knowing you exchange like oh my god it makes me sick. i think electra should be very emotional and that should be a point of conflict between her and orestes. orestes thinks things through logically, but electra follows her heart for better or for worse. electra feels things very intensely. she wants vengeance. she gets consumed by her grief and rage. i think of her as someone who very badly wants to understand the world. she wants to know everything. she wants to understand why she feels things so deeply. i'm very influenced by the way casati writes electra in her novel, but i love seeing electra portrayed as someone who is a little unsettling. like you look at her and you cant really tell what's going on in her head. there's a quote from casati's clytemnestra that says "sometimes electra says things that make [clytemnestra] suffer, and she wonders if her daughter does it on purpose. it seems unlikely, but a thought creeps through her mind, making her restless: what if electra can be as unkind as her father? what if she is not quiet because she is shy but because she is crafty?" and later in the novel, electra tells clytemnestra "broken people fascinate me". i love electra being portrayed as someone who is a little shy and quiet, but it's because she is feeling all these emotions so vividly and passionately and she doesn't know what to do with them all. and she wants to understand the world because she thinks it will help her understand herself. she can be purposefully cruel if she thinks it will aid her

on the contrary, i like writing iphigenia as someone who is very bubbly and outspoken. i like her as being very optimistic and likeable. she's charming and you can't help but fawn over her when you meet her. she and electra act as foils in this way in my head bc iphigenia is someone that you can't help but love while electra is someone who is very difficult to love (i say this in very simple words). i think iphigenia is very compassionate and also feels emotions deeply, but in a different way than electra does. iphigenia, i think, is very empathetic and likes to help people. i think she is objectively, the kindest and most likeable of her siblings which is what makes her sacrifice even more tragic. but i really do like writing iphigenia and electra as the extrovert/introvert duo. i think the orestes/iphigenia/electra trio is so fun to write because they all have such complex issues and i have so many thoughts on them. in a modern au, iphigenia is probably the popular girl of the school, but the popular girl who is actually really nice and everyone loves her. like she's head cheerleader, but she's also saying hello to everyone in the hallways and all the teachers love her and it leaves electra in her shadow a little bit. ugh i could talk abt electra, orestes, & iphigenia for so long theyre so <3 to me

hermione! i think you have to give hermione mommy issues. it would be really fun to explore how hermione is affected by having the most beautiful woman in the world as her mom and how it felt to have her mom leave her (or kidnapped depending on interpretation) when she was just 9 or so. i really like to write hermione and orestes' relationship as one based on love. i think they really do love each other and it's why orestes fights neo for hermione. i think hermione can def be entitled and a lot of it stems from her parents (her mother is literally helen of sparta like cmon now i don't blame her). hermione can be jealous and i love to write that as coming from insecurity—hermione grew up with the most beautiful woman ever as her mom. her self-esteem has to be insane like no wonder she's jealous; she probably thinks she can never live up to her mother. i think hermione probably lashes out emotionally because of that jealousy. a lot of her characterization has to stem from her circumstances—she's used as a political pawn for most of her life and that def affects the way she views herself. she needs so much therapy. if anyone has seen saiki k, i actually think of teruhashi a little bit when i think of hermione. hermione is definitely her mother's daughter and i see has as very similar to helen. i think hermione is definitely someone who acts as if she is much more confident than she really is—it's kind of a mask. you guys know the song oh no! by marina? the line that says "cause i feel like i'm the worst so i always act like i'm the best" that's so hermione to me.

now, i won't lie to you, i don't know much about nicostratus. i don't think there's many famous myths on him at all iirc? or at least, i can't think of any off the top of my head. i think he's probably a character you can have fun with it and shape how you like. you can def give him the same kind of parental angst from helen and menelaus that hermione has and giving hermione a sibling dynamic is so funny. but yeah, i don't know much about him so i'm not going to just lie to you and make stuff up LMFAO

as for other characters, clytemnestra has a few other kids you could include though they're not as interesting as the main 3 to me. there's also pylades that i mentioned earlier. there's polyxena too! she might be a bit older as she's a daughter of priam, but she is the youngest one. off the top of my head, i think she's described as being 18 in the final year of the war? this would make her a couple years older than neo who is typically between the ages of 12-15 in the final year of the war. so she could be included albeit she is slightly older (she was promised to achilles tho so again, she might be too old for the story you want to write). on a similar vein, there's cassandra and helenus who are in a weird age range of likely being younger than the achilles generation, but quite a bit older than the neo/telemachus generation. i love cassandra sm tho (i named my dnd oc after her LMAO) she's one of my favs ever. those two could be included if you want, but are older than polyxena who is already older than neo so idk if that's too much of an age range for what you want.

okay so as for the gods, one thing i really like doing is that in modern aus where they go to school, i love writing the gods as their teachers LMFAO. idk if that's what you wanna do, but i think it's so funny. like can you imagine poseidon being your gym teacher. or athena teaching you math or something??? it's hilarious. so that is definitely an idea

ALSO LOVE THAT THIS WILL BE FLUFFY AND CHEESY too much angst in this fandom LMFAO (i say, as i write my mcd neomachus fic)

I HOPE THIS HELPS i think this answer might be even longer than the last ask you sent which is genuinely a feat. oh my god i fear i have mental problems. VERY EXCITED TO SEE WHATEVER YOU WRITE <3

[napthyme]

as someone who is easily influenced by others around me (whether online or irl) i can be effortlessly molded to reflect my current friend group(s) opinions, feelings, and beliefs - even at my own expense.

(( sorry just writing that out made me think of solas and i never made that connection before - maybe i should write more when i jsut wake up lol ))

ANYWAYS —

(( read more cut for a mess of scattered thoughts ↓ ))

i remember being told before that my love for solas made me a *bad person, for various reasons. (if you know of the character, its pretty easy to guess a few possible accusations)

and i think because of that, i started to internalize and overthink; "what if this does make me a bad person?" & "it doesnt matter how this character makes me feel, because my love for them reflects me as a person - so i must be horrible if other people see them as such."

so i started to give up my own autonomy and not express how much i love "problematic" characters. there was a good period of time where i would just parrot other peoples opinions; which is truly exposing my people-pleasing trait. i would repeat really negative things about my faves to try to change my own belief — to fit theirs.

— and im truly tired of suppressing myself for others. i dunno. after 30+ yrs of bending and breaking myself apart to appeal to and appease other people at my own expense - im just exhausted.

because in the end, it doesnt matter.

people will still find ways to make you the villain.

it doesnt matter how kind or patient you are; if you let other people walk all over you from the start — then they will come to always expect you to be malleable and meek. they will do a double-take and get offended when you finally start to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.

and they deserve to know the real you. its unfair to not let them know who you really are. i feel like a liar constantly, thinking about how ive worn this mask for so long.

and its honestly true what they say, that youve worn the mask and played the part for so long that you just dont know who it is beneath it anymore.

long rant of various emotions mingling and meshing with each other. i could honestly keep going and delve into multiple topics and thoughts that have arisen from just this - but another time.

at the end of it all —

im just glad im finally learning (albeit slowly) how to just allow myself to be myself - even if its scary as hell.

and how to set boundaries.

and how to speak my mind.

and how to be selfish.

and how to put myself first; choose myself first.

(( and this takes practice - consistent practice. better late than never.))

when all of your growing up you were punished and ridiculed for being authentically you; it ingrains a survival tactic that is hard to unlearn and break.

and ive met people (even if its just a few) who have loved and accepted me - for me - the authentic, real and weird me.

i know they exist - even when it feels like they dont or that theyre rare.

i have to hold onto that hope.

i have to believe they exist.

because - i - exist.

and thats proof enough.

there are people out there who will love you for who you are; but you will never find those people if they dont know you exist.

& i want to exist. as myself.

i want to be comfortable in my own skin. for once in my life.

— GOING TO STOP MYSELF HERE;

but basically; this is my reminder to myself. and a way to just, get out all of these feelings and thoughts that rattle in my brain like a broken magic eight ball. might just delete this later, not sure. i tend to re-read things a lot and then get Too Aware and Too Embarrassed.

but this is myself - the current me - the present rambling and incoherent self - they deserve to exist; for a little while at least.

anyways; gonna go get something to eat - if youve read this far; thank you. i hope you are having a wonderful year so far (even with all the shit going on).

and if you arent — i sincerely hope you have more good days than bad and i hope you find the people who will help cultivate that reality.

[cosmickid-inmotion]

me complaining about my coworker, im being annoying just carry on lol

I'm just so frustrated by the idea that people treat me like a freak when i say I dont like animals. I DO NOT LIKE ANIMALS!! I want to live a pet free life!! I dont think they are cute, i think they are gross, i think pets are so so gross, I have OCD okay. Dont ask me why the ocd applies to animals and not children. ASk the ocd.

So at this residential place I'm in one hallway, coworker is in another, on the other side there 3 more workers, and a managers that walks around incase theirs issues or gives breaks.

most of the shift im just monitering the hall and can be on laptop or read etc and i dont gotta talk to this coworker but omggggg she's annoying. Like always talking to me about things i dont care about, constant complaining, constantly talking bad about other coworkers on different shifts loud enough the kids could hear, etc. She will NOT get the hint I dont want to talk. I will sit there being talked AT for several minutes.

so, after the kids are all up im standing outside the bathroom as the kids take turns doing their thing brushing changing etc and she comes up to me holding a pin and says "You're going to love this"

i already know I won't, because she doesn't know me enough to actually know what I like. it's not a pin with bruce springsteen or Oscar Isaac, it has a cat and it says something like "I like cats more than people"

after 12 hour shift I'm not in a humoring mood. it goes like this.

"i dont like cats"

"well, insert whatever animal"

"i dont like animals"

"what?"

"Nope"

"Well, still, the i dont like people part"

slightly annoying because we have 15 kinds and about 6 other coworkers in this room that are people. "I like people."

"really?!"

"yeah that's why I'm in human services"

This was a bit of a dig bc she's in human services too. I dont really like the whole "ugh i hate people tee hee" edgy thing that so many people adopt. I think its annoying. I've witnessed and experienced the worst humanity can offer and i still believe in the inherent goodness.

"i like some people"

me, plainly, "I like most."

She then proceeds to bring up AGAIN "you dont like animals?!?!? really?!?!?"

Me, very annoyed because she's almost sneering at me, "So, when I said i don't like animals, what i meant by that was that i dont like animals" straight faced.

I check out at this point bc she continues questioning how i can possibly not like animals, telling me the animals she likes and does, and then telling me some sob story about not being allowed to have pets growing up bc she ALWAYS brings up her bad childhood out of no where and girl, I am NOT YOUR THERAPIST

insufferable interaction

I try to position myself by the kids or the day staff bc i like talking to them ;-;

[pansy-picnics]

Helloooo I just wanted to say that your trans Varian art is very special and comforting to me <3 it gives me warm soft feelings and it always makes my day thank you very much. The little details you include like what he uses to bind and his family supporting him and also him feeling comfortable enough to take his binder off at the end of the day or around certain people just makes me feel so seen and happy <3 I hope you have a lovely day

AUGHHGJGG THANK YOUUUU you have no IDEA how happy these kinds of comments make me,,,, 🥹🥹🥹🥹 i don’t even really identify my gender myself and im definitely not transmasc but varian is just So violently transgender to me and it doesn’t feel right to not portray him that way. i put a lot of effort into my portrayal of it so when ppl say my art makes them feel seen i literally. scream and cry and throw up /pos

and YES you get it omfg…..the little freak plagues my mind constantly he is SO loved and supported by his family. he’s a very practical guy to me so unless he’s going out for work or has visitors or something he can’t really be bothered to get dressed up or bind. he used to when he first started working in the castle,, but now he feels a lot more comfortable there and if he’s just gonna be hanging around at home he’s not gonna go through all the extra effort. and him feeling safe enough to do that is SO important to me!!!!! it makes me so unbelievably happy that people are able to notice all those details and i’m just so,,, oughggghh

ALSO!! the detail of the binder in particular is actually one of my favorite things i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk about it here…..i’m kind of a history nerd also and although tts doesn’t really have a set time period (and i honestly don’t want it to), i enjoy adding in some historical references here in there cuz i just think it makes the world feel a lot more immersive. but heres a fun fact for you if you want to read:

most modern binders are made up of some kind of nylon or spandex, both of which weren’t invented until around the 1930s or 50s. most people use bandages to portray trans characters in fantasy settings, but bandages by themselves wouldn’t really do much unless they were compressive, and compressive bandages as we know them today also weren’t invented until around WW2. THIS is where corsets come in.

corsets get a rlly bad rep most of the time honestly, because for some reason most people are still convinced they were like. medieval torture devices. and they were used to promote a slim silhouette a lot of the time but so were a LOT of other garments!! corsets alone were undergarments worn on a day to day basis, both by rich and working class women and even by some men in the victorian era. they were just used the same way we wear bras today!! it wasn’t any different!!!

but boned garments like this also had the ability to shape and form the body, and though obviously i can’t confirm anyone was making corset binders in the 1800s people have been able to make modern replicas with similar materials that have almost the exact same effect as a modern chest binder, which tells us that it would’ve been completely possible for someone to hide their chest with a corset like garment AND!! it was quite literally PROVEN to us during the 1920s flapper era!!!

i could go on and on about the flapper era and it’s influence on the general social culture but basically, a LOT of inherent gender roles were being challenged, so women were wearing shorter skirts and haircuts, and women’s fashion trends in general started to take on a much more androgynous silhouette to reflect that. a boxy, more boyish shape was actually strived for and a lot of women with larger chests would wear bodices advertised as “bust reducers” to create this appearance, a lot of which were made with similar materials to corsets of the time!!!

they obviously aren’t exactly the same as a binder we would have today but its shockingly similar i think, and it’s just neat to know that people really have been doing this stuff for centuries :’3

[matthewmurdockswife]

Hello!! Could you please do one where Tony Stark is the readers dad and he finds her SH?? Thank you!

Iron brusies x tony stark (platonic)

Tw: self harm, depictive description of cutting, anxiety attack, hitting,

a/n : guys im always here to talk feel free to talk to me about anything at anytime good or bad my messages are and will always be open you can even send me a anonymous message in the req box if thats what you need to do Talk to me or a friend theres always someone there for you if you look hard enough I promise

I never felt like enough, which is unexpected when you’re constantly put out into the media and are being portrayed as “the happiest person alive” everyone wants my life many envy my family and my life style but not very many people understand it, and I mean truly understand it. Underneath the media personality I had to put on as an avengers daughter and a future avenger hid many scars.

It started a few years ago on accident I was shaving my legs when I accidentally sliced myself. But my reaction wasnt the same as it used to be, instead of being upset I was relieved. It felt like an escape and from that moment foward it felt impossible to stop

“ hey kiddo” My dad walked over to me while I leant against the kitchen island “hey” I remained looking at my phone my voice was faltering and was sure to give me away I didnt need my dad knowing about how I felt. If I ever wanted to be an avenger I cant have problems like this I cant let anyone see me weak.

He had stopped his movements, looking at me he reached out to touch my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me he always seemed to know something was up. without looking I pushed off the island without a glance or a word. I couldnt let him see me break. No one can see me break.

Everything felt out of control, my world was spiralling and so I went to the one thing that put me in control. My razor blades. I took the elevator up to the secluded floor I knew what I was doing in order for me to not get caught I had to think smart. I had this memorized, never say where your going, never go to that floor with another avenger and never use your own room.

I told friday the floor number remaining as composed as possible the cracks in my voice a dead giveaway “ mrs stark are you alright your blood pressure and heart rate have dramatically increased” taking a deep breath I reply to the ai “im fine fri” using an irritated tone in an attempt to conceal how im crumbling apart “ are you sure mrs stark? I can contact your father if needed” fridays tone questioning and concerned “im fine friday im just not feeling well” And I darted out of the elevator the moment the doors where opened

I opened the drawer containg the one thing I needed my razor as I smashed it against the floor over and over again until the metal blades broke free and I grabbed one and pushed it into my leg letting the metal drag across my skin. The blood dripping down my leg.

my hands shook and my body trembled one more I told myself each time. one more and ill be okay one more I kept repeating it over and over again in my head like a melody, a mantra like a prayer for help

my hands shook I felt my mind scream a blood curdling scream when I heard the thing I dreaded most. a knock on the door “hey kiddo you alright friday said you felt sick do you need anything can I come in”

i was panicking i thought i had this covered i thought i could be smooth about this i thiught i coukd do this and no one would know the thought of my father finding out about me about what i am what i do what ive become is enough to start sending me into a anxiety attack “ im about to have a shower” my voice was faulty and a dead give away and i covered my mouth trying to stop the broken sobs from escaping my lips anymore then they already had .” dont lie to me friday said your heart reate was through the rough whats going on kiddo” I let a sob escape my mouth but quickly covered it I heard a sigh and then a click

the door had been opened it was my greatest nightmare my breathing quicked as I lunged full force at the door trying to keep my dad out but he had had the advantage he was standing I was flipped onto my stomach as he pushed open the door once again

“ why are you on the floor kiddo c’mon stand up” he reached under my bicep as attempt to help lift me up “ NO” I screamed ripping my arm from his grasp looking up face stained in tears my dad’s expression written of pure shock guilt washed over me my emotions reaching an all time new high

I felt that drowning feeling begin again in my chest and then in my stomach and the voices in my brain began chanting on how I had messed this up, how it was all over, how I was worthless.Any negative comment anyones made on me being thrown at me by my own mind I scrambled to sit up against the tub holding my legs to my chest gasling hard for air. I was having an anxiety attack in front kd my dad who sat there eyes wide motiomless and wearing a shocked expression he came to sit down next tk me stroking my back while I sobbed wildy he pulled me into his chest while I fought against him throwing weak haphazard punches and his shoulder screaming kicking and crying to be let go off but he knly held me tighter and stroked my hair gently shishing me quieting my cries as he had done when i was younger to console me .

only then did I relax into his embrace

only then did I allow myself to be vulnerable

only then did he notice the multitudeof faded and fresh marks on my legs including the ones I had just freshly reopened

only then was I honest and opened up about the past two years of hell I went through

only then did I begin to see my dad differently as someone who understood what I had gone through because he had gone through it himself. I gained a new appreciation for my father that day, I’ve never been better and I owe it all to him

A/n

girlie im so sorry i didnt even see this lol sorry It took me so long to get around to. anywho sorry if this wasnt what you meant also sorry if this is bad its like 1 am my eyes are burning 🤭 love you guys never be scared to reach out for help, and always drink your water <3 bye loves

[smegma-overlord]

Why are most leftists so bonkers?

Disclaimer: I am an angry leftist

It feels like on the left you've got like 3 or 4 camps of people who claim to be Marxist but act like they've only learned about it through YouTube videos or vibes. It feels like for every sane leftist you find, there are about twenty in some nonsensical echo chamber. Why though? It's not like Marxism isn't internally consistent (it's a system of analysis) and detached from reality (predicated on outside observation). Please don't hit me with the 999 shitillion dead bread lines I think we're all old enough to know that there is context for the historical failures of self proclaimed Marxist movements.

Back to the groups of people though it's like there so much cognitive dissonance. College professors who use Marxist principles to analyze Colombian dance or whatver but immediately revert to liberal slop talking points whenever anything impactful is brought up. What happened to "the point of philosophy is to change the world?" They do all this historical analysis just to come to the conclusion that if we let Native Americans make 12% of all decisions everything will be better (I don't beef with indigenous people just those who put them on a magical pedestal). I know there are some great profs out there for sure but I also know that these outnumber them.

Then there are the Marxist-Leninists who are constantly in competition with themselves and others about whose the most revolutionary. They claim to be the most scientific socialists on the planet but want to install a one party state powered by nothing but idealism. What pisses me off the most is thier pseudo intellectual postering. They will go on and on about absolutely fucking nothing and get mad when you call them out for it. And then they'll be like "yeah you gotta agree with me cause unity." These larpers are so fucking annoying telling me to read theory while directly contradicting Marx. I cannot emphiasize enough how much I hate Lenin for setting communism back at least 200 years (MLs can cope). I hate him and by extension everyone who is bald. About 90% of genuine criticisms of leftism apply exclusively to these pretentious assholes.

Anarchists. I don't really beef with them as whole (even though I disagree with their beliefs) but there are problem categories. You again have the performative types like above but also people who get their education on socialism from an infographic on Instagram. Also the Redditors and general debate bro people which apply to like all of these categories tbh.

And then the PRC copers. Wow the nationalist right wing government gave out benefits this is socialism in real time. Absolute cinema.

That was a tangent but my point is nobody believes in pre-soviet socialism anymore. Why are people like this? You'd think it'd be the MLs suffering why me. Why can't we learn from history? Why does the sane and sensible always lose to its flashier couterparts? At the risk of becoming a pretentious asshole myself, I can't help but think I'm the only sane person on the planet.

But this wasn't always the case. There were many well intentioned and truly democratic socialist movements in the past that didn't compromise their beliefs. The Paris commune, the first and second Internationals, and thinkers like Albert Einstein used to be tangible forces of sane socialism (I wish I could give more examples in the global South, but the gaps in my knowledge combined with less favorable historical conditions made fewer genuine attempts at socialism possible. Which isn't to say there weren't principled people or genuine attempts.) Did the Soviet Union really kill the dream of socialism in the next 100 years? Will there even be a planet to save by then?

Does anyone agree with some or at least part of this? I feel like im grasping in the dark for any semblance of hope. I just want people to be fed *and* vote for whoever they believe in. Is that such a big ask or am I the stupid one? Also, if anyone does agree, I was planning on making more posts (preferably less angry) about socialism, theory and implementation. Lmk if anyone would like to see that.

[leslutdepointedulac]

im 4 days late but if you’re still accepting character ask game questions 9, 13, 20 for louis! -aunteat<3

Of course!! I'm always ready to accept asks for my favourite soggy ferret :soggyuwu: Thank you for this ask 💞 :boop:

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

This is an interesting question, because in some ways I think I could be, but then in other ways I'm like absolutely not 🤧 I think we need to pro/con this lmfao

Pros:

We're both quiet, relatively solitary creatures who will grace people with our presence on our own terms - we won't feel the need to be constantly around each other, therefore are lessikely to get on one another's nerves

We both love to read so we could read together and compare/talk about books

We can make a mess and won't really be bothered by it (mainly because I can rarely motivate myself to tidy up after myself but still)

We can both (affectionately) make fun of Lestat and not so affectionately if needs be

We just generally have similar vibes that I think would compliment each other nicely

Cons:

We both have similar vibes that could also clash horribly e.g. wallowing in despair to the point where we would create a never ending black hole of soggy doom and gloom

Louis' snobby, pretentious nature is only tolerable because he's fictional and I don't have to put up with him. If he was real and we lived together, I couldn't deal with that and would probably call him out on it in a hopeless, failed attempt to get him to shut up with his snobbery

All in all, if we were to judge it based on this list alone, the pros outweigh the cons and therefore I think I could be roommates with Louis. The Black Hole of Horrors™️ and pretentious snobbery is a small price to pay to live with him, I think 🤧

13. What's an emoji, and emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

So funny you should ask me this when I have the perfect emoji 😌

It's our very own :louwee: 🤧 I couldn't possibly pick any other emoji when I specifically made this with Louis in mind lmao.

As for an emoji I think Louis would use, I get the feeling he wouldn't really get the concept of them initially 😭 Benji might try and teach him what they are and how to use them, but I feel like that would just lead to Louis misunderstanding and using emojis 'inappropriately'. Like using 😏 after telling Lestat he can't wait to see him later, and Lestat thinks that means he's gunna get laid but Louis intended for it to just be a general smile. Plot twist: Louis actually does know exactly what he's doing but he's just playing dumb to to mess with people 😭

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

I won't lie, I don't know if this is much of an 'ideal best friend' type situation as such, and it might be kinda obvious, but the friendship I keep on coming back to is with Daniel.

I just think that Daniel is someone who could simultaneously respect Louis' boundaries, while also trying to gently nudge him out of his comfort zone. Say for example, Daniel's the one trying to convince Louis to attend the next ball with him, convincing him that he wants a familiar face (even though Armand and Marius will be there too), and how it won't hurt to get out a bit and interact with other people. But at the same time, if Louis did go and eventually had enough, Daniel wouldn't stop him from seeking out a little hideaway somewhere. He may even join him, if Louis lets him, in the event that the ball has become Too Much for Daniel for one night.

In turn, perhaps Louis would be a source of comfort for Daniel. If he was having a rough-ish night and didn't want to go to Armand or Marius in case they worried too much, but Daniel still wanted a familiar person to turn to, Louis could be that someone. Louis might let Daniel vent to him while he listens, or simply lets him hang out in silence, just co-existing in the same space until Daniel feels better.

And I think as well, their shared history would give them a relationship that's unique to them. How many other vampires can say they met with one of them as a human through an interview, ending with one of them almost draining the other dry? Maybe, in some weird way, that event would bring them closer together?

I just really love the idea of Louis and Daniel together and I think they would make really good friends. They could be good supports to one another while also being able to genuinely enjoy each other's company.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

I am constantly amazed and impressed as hell at the nutritional science you've been doing on yourself to even stay alive in the face of unforgivable medical neglect. (I don't suppose any lawyers in your area would take on a pro bono malpractice case in return for a percentage cut of the expected winnings afterward? I'd suggest contacting your local bar association – IME, they can typically point you to someone who will do it for something like 10% if you seem to have a reasonably clear-cut chance of winning, and the fact that you have so much self-conflicting and mutually-conflicting documentation in your doctors' own words and have figured out exactly what tests under what circumstances would would prove your case suggest you'd be an ideal candidate; they might also be able to court-order those tests under the specified provisions as part of building that case.) I've been trying to even find the energy to do an exclusion diet for the past decade now to figure out why half the things I eat cause fatigue (or syncope, that one time!) but between narcolepsy and the fact that bupropion and disordered eating apparently permanently killed my appetite, it's all I can do to get half the recommended daily calories by shoving whatever takes the least food prep within reach into my mouth indiscriminately, and nothing useful has shown up on tests. Occasionally I manage to eat just enough to catapult myself out of starvation mode and end up losing MORE weight I can't afford. 🙃 I don't know how you do it.

(Something to do with at least some of you having overruling powers and less learned helplessness, I'd guess? I used to engage in constant automatic self-therapy and dissociate from anything inconvenient; these days it's a struggle to even think a lot of the time, and my options are either near-catatonia or panic attacks.)

Anyway. I hope my likes on your personal/medical posts come across as validating instead of prurient, or something. It makes me happy that you're figuring stuff out and making progress, because you deserve to be in as little pain and as much health as possible. It's just hard for me to form words a lot of the time.

You are very sweet and don't worry, I don't take your likes in a negative way at all.

I actually would like to contact a local lawyer about a lot of stuff, and I will the moment things stop snowballing on me, but I can only deal with so much at once and I just can't prioritize it over keeping my apartment in a state that won't potentially cause more problems, or getting my body baseline functional at the moment.

Honestly, it's probably that my parents acted like my own needs were my own problem to figure out and solve since I was a baby, outside of food clothes and shelter. Learned helplessness isn't in my mental vocabulary at all, but I think I have an opposite kind of problem where it just doesn't occur to me in most cases that I could go to another person for competent help?

The notes these people have made themselves during health episodes are really damning, but also I can't physically appear in court or meet with someone without risking corona exposure now, and so that has to be prioritized behind getting on top of this health episode, making my apartment presentable to landlords, and then probably trying to get some dental work done before my two cracked molars actually cause a problem. I just don't have any more in me right now and I suspect they've been counting on that.

This started when I was 32, apparently, and every time I get close to catching up, something else is piled on, like a no fault eviction or another health episode. Or both, at the same time.

I manage to do what I do basically because the other option is to lay down and die, and I just don't know how to stop fighting or how to put down a problem that needs solving, ig. I have the kind of brain that will dream about the problem I am working on at night coherently enough to wake up with actionable solutions? The more stressed I get the more emotionally detached and solution oriented I get, which is useful, if not also it's own kind of pathological. Part of me is shaking in the corner crying, and part of me became non responsive about 5 years ago, but the rest of me just doesn't know what to do except fight forward.

If I ever get on top of everything it is OVER for so many bitches. Especially if I can narrow down what's causing the weird symptom sets and then get it to show up on an actual test. I can't help but feel that my shot in court would be a lot better once I have actual answers and a medical professional willing to attest I actually have said -physical- condition. I at least need to gather the documentation of the conditions I do have diagnosed and the test results they are based on, but my own doctors did not make that easy. I hope you find your appetite, and joy again, you also deserve recovery and good health. Just trying to shove enough of whatever you need to function into the face opening is a valid survival strategy and one I use almost daily.

<3

[snailythefan]

Hi Snaily! How have you been? Im here for a pretty serious ask.

My boyfriend has been drawing for a while, I honestly think he's doing real good. But recently he's been feeling down about his art, he doesn't know why he should bother improving his art if his style is *basic* to some people, and it hurts a lot for him. He knows he should be drawing for fun and not force improvement to stress him out, but there's only so much I can do as his loving partner who doesn't draw at all.

So... what was it like for you, Snaily? When you started drawing many years back, how did you not feel like shit looking at how it could be better but you don't know how? What advice can you give to a beginner artist?

(You can answer this privately if you want btw, and ask me for his art if you need to see them. Much love <3)

hi peng!! always nice to hear from u! I'm gonna reply to this publicly because to be honest i can't resist to give this kind of advice to any and all beginner artists (but i am putting it under a readmore because as you know i love to ramble and this will get LOOONNNGGG and will Truly be The Ramblings of a Mad Man (gender neutral))

firstly, since I hear that he feels hurt by the idea that people out there might find his style "basic". That's a rookie mistake (that literally everyone makes when they start getting Serious about Art). The mistake being Caring Profoundly About an Outside Audience that's Ever Watching and Judging.

Which I literally cannot blame him or anyone for it, ESPECIALLY in this modern social media landscape where newer artists feel like they gotta get GOOD at the VIRAL RAT RACE so you gotta get that sweet, sweet validation in the form of likes, reblogs, retweets etc etc.

So that's my first tip I suppose: don't fall for the entrapment of being obsessed with getting any and all sorts of SWEET VALIDATION during your art process. This is hard to condition yourself to! I myself fall prone to it! It's actually kind of natural. Even if the validation you seek isn't online, surely you're expecting it from your peers or teachers or family members or whoever gets to look at your sketchbook (or you know, your medium of choice).

You want people to notice your art and all the effort you put into it. It's okay! DO welcome those who do!! But never NEVERRRRRR NEVERRRRRR commit the mistake of placing the value of your art on how much praise it gets from others. That's a one trip road on having an Absolute Bad Time. THE ONLY PERSON you should be looking to make happy with your art is YOURSELF first and foremost!!! Always!!! This is the Golden Rule!!!

So people (imagined or otherwise) think his style is """Basic""". Okay! That's literally not a crime anyone can arrest you for!! So what if you're LITERALLY starting and your art looks """basic"""!!!!!!! WHAT IS THE CRIME HERE!!!! CAN'T MY MAN JUST CREATE IN PEACE!!!! LET HIM COOK!!!!!

If he's starting out, i think it's pretty expected of him to just have a "basic" style you know? He shouldn't be ashamed of it! The best chef in the entire world right now didn't start making The Most Delicious Food To Ever Grace Anyone's Plate on DAY 1. They probably started with a goshdang sandwich. Many of them maybe. Until they could make the Perfect Sandwich even in their Sleep and only until then they felt ready enough to explore Further Possibilities In The Kitchen.

(Is this metaphor working? I sure hope it is!)

Anyway.

"How did you not feel like shit looking at how it could be better but you don't know how?"

Well that's a fun question because to this day I get extremely frustrated whenever I realize my Art Level isn't up to my standards. But THAT'S OKAY- even in my case!

If you're Serious About Art (as in, you LOVE making art) you'll constantly feel like you're having to catch up to artists that are doing MILES better than you. Which happens to everyone. Truly it's only the curse of having A Good Taste In Art (so you automatically Set Standards For Yourself based on what you personally consider Great Art).

So again, something to not be ashamed of. But also something to Learn To Live with. I get it!! I truly do!! You see some guy online who apparently is only 14 and they're already making compositions with complex perspectives and an amazing sense of color theory and you'll want to bite off your hands!!!! But you can't let that stop you!!

You're just gonna have to learn to Fail, Constantly. Failing Gracefully! Sucking At Art Again and Again!

You might think this conflicts with the Golden Rule (i mean, if you're not happy with your own art- then what's the point yeah?)

But it's all about Love babey. Loving the process of failing constantly, because deep down you REALIZE you're learning how not to suck little by little.

It's also an exercise in letting Spite guide you. So what if you're bad!!!!!! What if you've somehow committed the crime of being A Bad Artist!!!!!! The cops will never catch me fucker!!!!! SEE HOW I DESECRATE THE HOLY ACT OF "CREATING GOOD ART" AHAHAHAHA!!!! LITERALLY NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!!!! <- the attitude to Have. Yes you gotta be prepared to be Unhinged and to have active Disdain towards 4th Plane Entities that are probably judging your art quality. (Unless my experiences aren't universal and nobody else feels a salacious self-satisfaction whenever they draw something that looks like an affront to The Universe, knowing they can just Try Again).

Anyway those are the benefits of sprinkling a little Spite alongside all the Love for the process of Making Art.

At the start you might feel like you're only making bad art. So! Own it! unironically my life philosophy is that everyone should make more BAD ART!!! ARTISTS OF THE WORLD UNITE TO MAKE MORE BAD ART, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS!

that's for the mental approach at least.

So, what about the technical side? How do you actually take all those feelings of inadequacy and wrangle them into something productive that will help YOU get better at the art you want to make?

with the warning that i am a self taught artist so i might not the the perfect person to ask, but truly the most IMPORTANT skill you want to hone is OBSERVATION and COPYING WHAT YOU OBSERVE.

Basically you're gonna study the artists you like! You're gonna stare REAL HARD at the details in the art they make! And THEN. You're gonna try to copy THAT! Hell, you might even want to TRACE what they do at first** (**THIS ADVICE IS FOR PRACTICING. DO NOT TRACE AND THEN POST ONLINE FOR OTHERS TO GO "hey man wtf this is just you tracing X Artist" DO NOT!!! DO THAT!!!) just so you get a feel for what they have in their art that You Don't and learning how to slowly replicate that.

That's how I learned the ropes at least. Literally printing manga panels and then tracing over them during my Peak Weeb Years. Ah little snaily, how time flies. Another thing i liked to do was watch speedpaints of artists i liked but at like -2x speed. So it was a slowpaint and i could STEAL THEIR SECRETS <- another valuable art skill

Anyway, that's what I think it's the most important (to observe!)

...but also you might want to either take art classes OR watch a buuuuunch of tutorials on youtube for The Basics (basic anatomy! shading! values! color theory! perspective! gesture drawing!!!)

You feel like shit about your art? Fine! Then realize your life is your own and you have the absolute power to change that directly!! GO ON YOUTUBE AND LEARN THOSE BASICS!!!!!! don't be like me and struggle this much with perspective after years of making art!!!! (Though in all fairness, even those good at it struggle with it lol)

So! I am all out of advice for a newer artist.

TL,DR: YOU WILL SUCK A LOT AT FIRST BUT THE MORE YOU PRACTICE AND LEARN ABOUT YOUR FAILURES, THE MORE YOU'LL LOVE TO SEE YOUR IMPROVEMENT AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DO THE ART YOU WANT TO MAKE.

Peng if you could forward this to your bf i would be very grateful. Good luck to you two!!! Thank you for reaching out!! And remember!! Never give up!!!!!

[tayter-tot-64]

lets talk about die young by chappell roan!! (im about to yap so be prepared)

i love this song oh so very much you should go listen to it (i prefer the acoustic version better but the not acoustic version is still acceptable)

First off, how i see it, this is a song where chappell is singing to an earlier version of herself, a version who was not okay. This can be seen in the lines "and you've got everything more than enough/if you could have anything what would you want" because it's almost like shes saying "you've got so much why aren't you okay?" which. is not the kind of thing you say to someone who clearly isn't okay. However, it is the kind of thing you might say to yourself when you're trying to get out of a bad place that you don't know why you're in. i know that i do that on a regular basis.

and then some lines i like/have things to say about (buckle up)

-"look at your mama now shes crying/cause she thinks her baby's dying/don't put up a fight she just wants to hold you tight" which i see as her mom wanting to say goodbye because she doesn't know whether or not this will be the last time that she's going to see her child. I can also see it as her final attempt to beg her to not go, as an "i love you so much please, please stay."

-"and look at your daddy he hates lying" this is about what it's like as someone having to watch a person they love go through the worst part of their life. its about going through each day and having to constantly tell yourself everything is fine, telling the person in pain that it's fine/will be okay, and telling other people that everything is fine and dandy. iv'e been in all three of those places with at least four different people and let me tell you it sucks. it is so hard to have to watch and not be able to do anything other than desperately hope that it'll be okay.

-"tried to help you but he's sick of trying" like i said, it's so hard to have nothing to do other than watch as someone takes steps backwards rather than forwards.

-"don't you know you could have the truth/you say im boring so you ignore me/you hear the phone ring so you ignore me" i think that this line is about finally seeing the sparkle of what the future could maybe look like. except in this she's burying those thoughts and feelings down.

-"you hear the phone ring so you ignore me" (yes i know i technically have this one twice shush) this one's more important because it's as though her future self/possibilities are calling but she didn't pick up the phone which could be due to it simply being too hard to entertain the thought of a tomorrow.

-"you say "i don't know how i lost myself"/with a bottle and the bottom of an ashtray/smoking my regrets and realizing what i need to do is pray" the first half of this chunk is her waking up and finally seeing just how bad a place she was really in and how what she was doing to compensate for those feelings/lack thereof was not good for her.

-"and i think i want love wanna find love/and i wanna be loved wanna find love/and i sure as hell don't wanna die young" this shift in the main chorus from "i wanna die young" to "i wanna find love" is her finding something worth living for. its about hope. about how her thought of tomorrow has become bearable because she now has something to look forward to, something she can grasp onto when those hard times come back to take another shot.

this song resonates with so many different parts of me for so many different reasons. it speaks to the me of last year who wanted to die young, it speaks to the part of me now that still wants to die young, and it speaks to the tiny little piece of me now who is finally daring to try and hold on to hope.

so thank you, chappell, for not dying young and for wanting to find love.