#how can gods and billionaires and adults know the kind of suffering billy has and still currently deals with

[redrobin-detective]

from the mouths of babes

“Hey there Big Bill, what a nice surprise,” Barry smiled as he walked into the meeting room and found Billy Batson sitting in Marvel’s designated spot. “Hold on a tick,” he commented before zipping to the kitchen and back, depositing a snack in the boy’s hands. “Iris always packs too many hard boiled eggs for my lunch but they’re filling and full of protein.” 

“When are you going to stop giving me food every time you see me?” Billy asked with an eye roll as he bit into the egg anyway. Barry carefully took in the boy’s slightly hollowed cheeks and thin wrists, not nearly as bad when he’d first met the kid but still not good enough.

“Yeesh when my favorite uncle brought me treats, I always said thank you. Kids these days,” Barry teased gently, ruffling Bill’s hair as he passed before going to his own seat. “So why aren’t you Cap right now? You’re almost never on the Watchtower as your charming self.”

“You know I appreciate it, Barry and your guess is as good as mine,” Billy shrugged polishing off the egg and leaning back into the comically big chair. “Bats asked that I come to the meeting but told me specifically to come up as Billy and not Marvel. Maybe he needs a kid’s perspective or something.”

“Or perhaps he wants a filthy mouth,” Diana said with a mildly chastising glare as she entered and took her own seat. “I overheard you talking to Robin earlier. Those are not the sorts of words a young man, much less a member of the Justice League should be using.”

“Sorry,” Billy mumbled, shrinking in his seat. “It’s hard to censor myself around Jay when we get to chatting.”

“You hardly have room to talk, Wonder Woman. You say a great deal of offensive language in the midst of battle, both mentally and out loud.” J’onn countered with a small smile as he took his place. “Flash, William, a pleasure as always.” 

“Dead languages don’t count,” Diana defended sternly but her eyes glittered with mirth. Her small wink in Billy’s direction promised that she’d teach him a few of those forgotten swears before he returned to Earth. 

“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much,” Barry grinned back, elbowing his coworker in the arm. “Now when is Bats going to show up and tell us about this mystery meeting?”

“Now,” Bruce stated, setting a small stack of papers at the head of the table. Most everyone startled save for J’onn who had been the only one to notice Batman’s surprise arrival. 

“Holy shit,” Billy muttered to himself, adjusting himself having half rolled out of his chair at Batman’s sudden appearance. “Warn a kid next time.”

“Language,” Diana, Barry and J’onn all said at the same time. Bruce did not, he’d tried for almost a year to tame Jason’s vocabulary with very little success.

“The first official meeting of the Justice League Morality Committee is now in session,” Bruce continued, handing out various folder packets.

“A morality committee, interesting,” J’onn commented, opening his packet

“The League is expanding by the day, getting involved not just in world ending battles but also politics and day to day problems. You all were carefully selected as the moral backbone of the League, sans Superman who is still with Lantern on Oa but will be at the next meeting. I wish to discuss and debate certain controversial League topics in order to determine the correct path.”

“Ah, that’s why you wanted Bill and not Cap here,” Barry nodded to himself as he flipped through his packet.

“Huh?” Billy questioned, staring at his unopened packet, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I don’t get it, Marvel is literally the embodiment of good and righteousness. He’d probably be way better at this than me.”

“Everything good about Marvel comes from you, Billy,” Diana demurred with fond eyes. “He is an admired and strong teammate with a good heart, but he lacks your human perspective, your weaknesses that grant you such astounding empathy.”

“Marvel is a god,” J’onn concurred. “As are many of the Justice League or as close as one gets to it. You, William, are a boy living a hard won, honest life and thus you can see things from that perspective that we adults cannot.”

“Is that supposed to be some kinda short joke?” Billy mumbled in embarrassment. He brought up his packet to hide his flushed cheeks, missing the brief exchange among the fellow Leaguers. For all that they relied on Captain Marvel for his magic and strength, it was Billy they often sought out for the strength of his heart.

“Moving on,” Bruce interrupted. “One of the US Intelligence Agencies recently reached out regarding our willingness to send some of our more stealthy members in for recognizance into countries and organizations with known ties to terrorist groups.”

“So we’d be spies,” Bill frowned, setting down the pamphlet. “Terrorists kinda suck but that still seems to be crossing some lines.”

“How so?” Bruce questioned. Billy began speaking, not nearly as eloquent or put together as Captain Marvel and yet the world’s most powerful heroes sat there quietly and listened to what the child had to say. 

[shes-a-rebelll]

this might just be ~another~ manic mood swing but..

 i really hope it is the one that goes through. i’ve literally spent so much time wanting to fight against what my parents want for me and what society wants. i just have such a tendency to want to resist any authority or control over me. if someone tells me to do something; it is immediately the last thing i want to do. it’s just an immature emotional response probably stemming from mental illness. and that’s why i’ve been basically demonizing a higher education for the past two years..... because my parents and most of society tells me i will only be successful if i do it.... anyways.

our society is so harmful. the lifestyle that i worship is so harmful. every since i was as young as 11 or 12, an extremely toxic lifestyle was impressed into my brain. handed to me by my false idols.

this lifestyle is one shoved in the faces of many of us in our daily lives. on the cover of every magazine, in the glory of every rock show, in the stories of famous billionaires.

it’s this “rebel against everything and do it your way fuck school it’s all or nothing i’m going to be famous!” ideal. it’s so fucking stupid. but listen. i IDOLIZED people who this WORKED for. i met them. they’re very real.

they got lucky.

the reality they live in is not the reality ANY of us face or can relate to.

the music industry, businesses, corporations, fashion, film, are all well-oiled machines. they need stars, but only a limited amount. famous people are picked and chosen through a selective process. they are chosen for how pretty they are, they are chosen for how charismatic they are, they happen to be doing or writing something that is favorable to the general population. they are talented, but i’m telling you, for every famous person, there is absolutely HUNDREDS of people more talented than them simply milling around in society next to you.

famous people don’t tell you this, or they don’t know it. they will tell you to drop out of school and join a rock band, to never have a traditional job, they will say fuck college because it worked for THEM. because they got LUCKY.

well honey, it will not work for me. and it will not work for you.

i am forever thankful for billie joe armstrong with his guyliner, red tie and spiky black hair, commanding the stage and stealing my little preteen heart, and filling me with hope when i was young. i will always be thankful that i picked up a guitar because of him, that i started writing my first poems and songs because of green day. they led to me finding yet another wonderful outlet for expression and creation.

i am not grateful that they idealized becoming homeless, doing drugs, and leaving school for your art. because they are one of the hundreds of bands that played at gilman in the 90s. and what are many of those bands who played besides them doing now? i am sure plenty of those kids had equal amounts of passion, of drive, of dedication and want to be the starts green day are. they all didn’t get it. 

because hoping for that kind of future is simply not reality. and i am sick of living in delusion.

my entire childhood, i practiced so hard, i fought so hard, but it felt like i was fighting against a strong current. some good came out of this fight: a persistence to create, and a lot of practice on the instrument. but a lot of bad shit came out of it.

writer’s block for YEARS because i compared myself so savagely to ALL other writer’s and artists, because i “wasn’t good enough”. constantly worrying about “making it”, “getting lucky” and the odds. feeling like i was never practicing enough no matter how much i practiced because my idols said they practiced for 8 hours a day, why cant i do that why cant i do that how come i cant just focus and do that???? music never being able to take my full focus when in reality i am a well rounded person with so many interests and passions that included a passion for learning and academic skill.

and the whole time feeling so.... sad. sad that i wasn’t ever able to get in a band. 

but i was hopeful because i kept thinking that, well it will all come together magically at some point before i’m an adult!

and of course, it didn’t. haha, any young adult has gone through something similar like this at some point. reality’s tough, it’s true! i’m a pisces, i don’t spend enough time in it as it is...

well, these past few years have been my worst. it has been college dropouts, quitting jobs, suicide attempts, running away from home, ruining my credit, falling into deep debt, costing my family thousands of dollars that went to waste while they were trying to clean up after my mistakes and keep me from going homeless, developing drug dependency to try to cope with my worsening mental health (just making it 10x worse), and falling apart again and again and again. and hitting lower points than i ever have before, as in, FEELING more hopeless and suicidal than ever. these past few months have been particularly hard on me.

i couldn’t handle the fact that this wasn’t the future i fantasized about. as unrealistic as it was, i couldn’t handle the fact that i am an adult and still nowhere NEAR where i need to be if i wanted to make any sort of career as a musician. hitting dead end after dead end and nothing feeling right.

some of my closest friends are almost opposed to school, literally telling me it’s bad for me because it didn’t work out for them. well, i don’t believe it is too late for them to turn their lives around either, that is their decision to make. but i know i’m not giving into this bullshit anymore.

you’re not rebelling. you’re working for barely above minimum wage doing low skill work that numbs your skull. you hate it, you talk about hating it constantly. a ton of people live this way. i’ve never been able to live like this. i thought my ‘way out’ of it was trying to be a famous rockstar. even if nothing came from this fantasy, it didn’t stop it from being at the front of my mind at all times.

i have let go of it at many different points, in different ways. the thing is i have bpd which gives me intense mood swings that alter my entire life views and personality almost on a day to day basis.... as i write this i am literally worried that i will feel completely different tomorrow, because once again i feel this decision would be right for me. but i am letting go. i am letting go of these people i idolize, of this life i idolize. maybe it helped me in my teenage years but it is nothing but harmful to me now.

i want to create because i love to create. i want to write because i love to write. not for fame or fortune or even recognition. no worrying about where it will get me and if i’m good enough. just creating for the love of creating.

i recently was thrown into a depressive episode because i forgot to register for classes on time and couldn’t take the two community college classes i wanted to take. i just gave up instantly. i’m not giving up. i fucking want this. i’m calling, i’m emailing, i’m going in and even speaking to them if i have to. i am pursuing an education in recording arts and i am so excited and it might become something more and god damnit i actually like this and i’m going to do it!!!

i have also been needing therapy so badly these past few months but NEVER wanting to put an effort into actually getting one for myself. i literally had my mom call some for me but they didn’t even call back. it is very hard to find a good therapist and i have had many that haven’t helped me at all, but two who have been very helpful to me. my best friend told me about dbt therapy for bpd (which she has also) and her therapist was able to find one for me that’s covered by my insurance!! the important thing is that i actually CALLED THE OFFICE and SENT PAPERWORK. with my level of motivation, it’s like..., a huge accomplishment!!

so idk. i just hope i’m moving in the right track now. i have felt completely empty and devoid of life for so long, with no purpose or direction. and i feel like i am finally doing the Healthy Thing and i really hope to break out of my unhealthy habits soon!

i also plan on leaving tumblr in 2019 to better my mental health. as i talked about my problems with idolization (aka obsession, something i legitimately SUFFER WITH through mental illness, seriously guys stop normalizing intense obsession it actually has many harmful effects), it’s best for me to leave a website where i do nothing but reblog pictures of band members i idealize from like 10 years ago. on this site i am orbiting around people who don’t know about my existence or give a single shit about me... and that’s just plain insanity. that, my friends, is why most adults leave fandom at some point. maybe it’s not harmful for everyone, but this behavior is sure as HELL harmful to me. i want to focus on my life and the people in it. i want to focus on reality.

probably no one read this but yeah i really had to go off