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2024/03/08 - deleted_user53400f

The way that discord still lists deleted users but removes their names is very interesting. Like how you can still check to see the messages but not see their name.

I always go through and read the messages to try to piece together who you were. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes I've forgotten you entirely. Wherever you are, I hope you're well.

I guess I've personally got so much of my life there, that I can't imagine deleting my account. That's too much of my life vaporized. Not like I can't rebuild from the important parts again, but there are definitely people who I would lose forever.

I guess that's a form of death.

I never realised that's what people mean by "you're dead to me".

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Tried out krita for this one... my photoshop muscle memory broken :(

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Waffle house source image

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As technology progresses, and as machines become more ergonomic, I can't help but feel that we've lost our appreciation for the beauty of creation, and the respect towards the immense forces at play in these machines.

I visited the railway museum today and had the thought while waddling between steam locomotives; titanic masses of steel, wrought to serve the will of man after hundreds and thousands of collective hours of fabrication alone. Wild machines in which were used to tame the forces of nature, but yet still possessed the bestial will common to all of gods creations.

Mechanical joints, intricate pipes, infinite rivets, laid bare for one to see. These commanded wonder for the dedication of man. Relentless power harnessed from nature commanded respect for the power of machine.

The engineer operates the machine through primitive interfaces.

Opening and closing valves of the creature's circulatory system.

Shoveling coal directly into its flaming belly.

Looking ahead by leaning out the side of the cabin.

This is a beast of a machine where the human is both the most important component, but paradoxically an afterthought.

Now I'm not saying that this is comfortable or preferred by any means. I'd take the present day mech piloting paradigm of air conditioned lounge room over this any time. But with this ergonomic and minimalist design, we've also began to lose respect for The Machine.

Respect for The Machine isn't just a thing I made up here. As part of employee training, JR West used to require certain employees to crouch in a service ditch as a Shinkansen passed over head at over 300kph. Objectively terrifying, but also extremely effective at allowing one to feel the power of a 400m long 700ton aluminum tube traveling up to half the speed of sound.

The lack of respect for The Machine can be seen in how we go about our day to day. For those of us who drive, we hop into finely tuned machines consisting of thousands of moving pieces, and we take it for granted that we expect it to work. We use magical black rectangles which allow us to talk to the other side of the planet in milliseconds. And behind the sleek, streamlined veil, is a delicate ballet of electrons and metal, with not even a slight demand for attention or appreciation.

This effortlessness of use of technologies, coupled with design language comparable to Orwellian Newspeak results in us, as humans, struggling to viscerally understand the power and complexity of our own creations. Our lizard brain is just not capable of it.

Technology used to command your attention. Computers used to scream before connecting to the internet. Cameras used to hiss, tick and click. Telephones used to require at least three humans in the right place to operate. All these things are now abstracted and automated away for ease of use, and hidden away for ease of mind, and so; we take it for granted. As a result, the lizard brain thinks technology is simple. But now, one must peel back the Corning® Gorilla® Glass 5 to see the same arcane wizardry, artfully crammed into a portable rectangle. The culmination of human ingenuity.

Something about this disrespect for technology feels analogous to approaching wild animals without caution; like touching an irukandji jellyfish. Like the seamless and harmless looking jellyfish, magical technologies like Tesla Full Self-Driving lure us to approach it without caution. We place our lives in its its flawed, mechanical hands, and when it fails, we are met with it being "intended to be used only with a fully attentive driver".

OECD published a study in 2016 with regards to the international job-related skills. Of which they found that 69% (nice) were only capable of very simple tasks on a computer; and this is just computer literacy! Completely ignoring whether or not the person has an understanding of how a computer functions. This, I would personally would say, is very concerning given how integrated into our lives technology is becoming.

Minimalist design language not only leads us to be unaware of the hidden complexity, but also being uninterested. Unable to fathom the miracle of microscopic connections and diodes that lie milliliters below the the sleek glass exterior. None of the complexity to appreciate the craftsmanship. None of the teeth that the lizard brain would perceive as dangerous.

In the 80's, science communication was at the very least, a critical criteria in the decisions made in the pursuit of science. That whether or not it was to be Big Bird on the Challenger space shuttle, or some other educational figure. Where computers laid their internals bare to let you know "I'm serious business". There's something about it which gives you an appreciation for the complexity.

I think it's the same lack of appreciation which leads people recklessly to AI art. To self driving cars. To touching the irukanji jellyfish.

Undervaluing the process. Pursuing only the results. Unaware of the terms and conditions of service. Leading us to casually make dangerous decisions.

Ultimately, we are all weird apes with weird quirks; gifted with the double edged sword of creation. We swing it where we want, creating whatever we like. However, we have the ability to manipulate our environment beyond what our lizard brains evolved to understand. Thus, if we are going to create beyond the lizard brain's understanding, we should perhaps invest in understanding it instead.

All in all, technological advancement is inevitable. Accessibility of technology to the masses is good. But, we spent all this time and effort, tricking rocks into doing math; building our Tower of Babel. It's odd that we're not investing in some buttresses as well.

This writeup was inspired in part by @gallusrostromegalus and a conversation I had with @shitmynamewastoolong

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Climate change is a hoax

Haha, very funny...

You can stop now...

Please?

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ENOUGH!

NO MORE THESIS DEFENSE! ITS TIME FOR THESIS ATTACK!

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2023/10/19 - On Life now.

It's kinda interesting, looking back on it, given that over the course of the year, their approval has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, and only yesterday, I Mum lent me her washing bag to wash my bras etc. in.

I wouldn't say that either are super supportive at this point, but it doesn't seem to cause as many fights anymore. No one really talks about it, but it's peaceful. Dad's always more friendly about me being trans and understanding, but it really feels like he'd rather not talk about it. Whereas mum occasionally has bits of support, regarding clothes, social stuff, etc. (she offered me a wheat pack once when my tummy was hurting, to which I responded "NOT LIKE THAT!"). But if I mention it, it's as if she suddenly realises and the cognitive dissonance collapses on top of her.

Things are definitely more comfy now, now that I don't feel like I have anything to hide.

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2023/06/27 4:23am - Continued From Before

Coming out to your parents friends really is a whole other beast. When it's your friends, you kind of already have a measure as to how it's going to go, who you're happy to lose if they don't accept you. For your parents friends though, you don't really get much of that.

Update from future me:

As it turns out, they already knew, and it all ended up fine. Dad went to go talk to them shortly after I came out. It's good to see he has a support network, given how stoic he is.

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2023/06/27 4:20am - Couldn't Sleep

There are some days where I completely forget that I'm trans, and when I'm reminded, all I think is "oh yeah...". Then there are days where the fact dictates my entire existence. The days where I meticulously plan out every human interaction. When I'm at the mercy of the general public. When weight of the future crushes down upon me. On these days I wonder, will it be alright?

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Beginnings

Sometimes I'll see the experiences of other trans creators and I'll be hit with the sudden pang to create, to share my experiences with others as well. So I guess I'll start doing that at some point in time.

To share things that I've experienced such that maybe, just maybe, someone will stumble upon these in the future and think "hmm", and that in seeing it, will feel a little less alone. Knowing that someone else has walked the same walk at some point in time. Or maybe it will provide entertainment or insight.

This post is really just a note to myself that I should start doing that. Perhaps I'll see this years in the future and have similar musings. After all, we can live through whole lifetimes worth of events in mere years.

So happy first transiversary me. Here's to the future.