#how can anyone look this good wow
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things I wish I could relive for the first time again:
that magical window where you finish a new piece of media, having watched/read it all by yourself with no fandom contact whatsoever, and you are just so happy about it, and full of interesting theories and takeaways, and just in love with it as a gorgeous piece of art.
because I swear to god as soon as you join the fandom for anything, you're bombarded with how you're supposed to view characters and their arcs, how you're supposed to morally and ethically judge the plot and the ways it apparently failed to present the right message, and if you don't you'll either be shunned for not sharing the popular headcanons or you'll be harassed for not criticizing the source material enough.
like how is it that the fans of a piece of media are also the ones being the most negative about it? If I like a show or a movie or a book, well, I liked it. That's kind of the point. I'm actually not here to tear it apart and talk about how it didn't live up to standards other people had! I enjoyed it for what it was, and forcing myself to find negative things to say about it doesn't actually bring me more enjoyment of it or reap any benefit to me. Fandom's a double-edged sword; you want to join a community to share your love for a piece of art, and the price you pay for a modicum of joy is a mountain of negativity. that's one main reason that I never engage with fandom until I'm completely done with a show, because if I was plugged into all of that commentary and discourse during the process, I'd be completely colored by how I'm expected to interpret everything this piece of art is presenting to me without being able to even form my own opinions.
#this is currently about arcane but it's also every fandom i've been in since the dawn of time#there is so much political discourse about how the show handled the piltover zaun conflict and class struggle and i just#like i don't even know what to say besides. art doesn't have to provide the correct answer you know#it's not asking you to accept their explanation as the right one. it's just presenting a story. a scenario. a nuanced one at that#which of course the internet is the enemy of nuance as we know#especially in arcane i thought it was fairly clear that the end wasn't the bright shining future anyone hoped it'd be.#was anyone right in their actions? did anything turn out the way they wanted? or was it just as messy and gray as real life#we're living in such a myopic time for art where it's believed every story must take the correct stance or be invalid or even harmful#instead of just offering a perspective. a lived experience. a hypothetical. a story.#and when it gets to be headache inducing all I can do is take myself back to how I felt when I watched the show for the first time#and I came away from the whole thing being incredibly moved and captivated by the entire story and its nuance.#i had no qualms and no criticisms and i was very impressed with the depth of storytelling surrounding the political parts of the plot#as well as the character arcs. i guess people like to dunk on viktor's s2 arc nowadays and i just. shrug. i was blown away by it#for me at least i have nothing but pure love and admiration for art after i've viewed it. it's only after interacting with fandom#that the criticisms seep in and now i can't unsee it and even if i don't agree with it it still muddies my ability to enjoy the art#fandom is a curse in that sense. like i seek out art that i enjoy. i have no desire to make myself dislike that art. whats the point#why are the biggest haters of a piece of media the 'fans' of it idk.#me finishing a show: wow i love all the characters and the plot and the cinematography! I want to talk to others about how cool it is!#meanwhile the fandom hating characters to the point of death threats to their creators#after 13 years in fandom i can say this - if you don't need to join the fandom for smth then don't lmao.#you'll be able to retain your genuine enjoyment of the thing.#that whole 'if you didnt like what i made then make your own' philosophy people use on fanfic/fanart should be applied more#to actual published art too. you should be able to meet art where it's at and if you don't like what it's saying or how it looks then#just move on and find something else. another branch of the 'the greatest enemy of the left is the left' tree imo#a show has a lot of queer rep? bash it to the point of making the creators go into hiding for not doing it how you think it should be#no artist will ever be able to satisfy everyone's demands. they just want to put their experiences and ideas into the world#creators that try to do good get more vitriol than those who never try. they're scrutinized harder and judged more harshly#it's just. one of those 'real fucking tired of fandom' nights. the best cure is just going back and rewatching the source material#all on your own and falling back in love with it. just you and your genuine connection with the art.#anyway what happened to steven universe was unforgiveable and it really ruined fandom for me. like. yall don't deserve nice things
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i loveeeee that ppl can draw goodnite
#talkys#thje only good thing qbout constantly perceiving myself from The Outside is like#i draw in my sketchbook ➡️ i imagine someone‚ a non artist‚ looking at my sketchbook#the kind of person that cant draw at all...whether they like my work or not#like wow i can do something they cant#wow‚ how crazy to even be able to do dis. even if it is ugly. its insane that i or anyone can do it at any degree#i loves it#yoshi is going to eat me and turn me into an egg now gn
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accidentally* brainstormed a very complete outline for chapters 4-8 for eih, which should theoretically take us through Part 1. which is. you know. a godsend or whatever.
*accidentally meaning i was just eating delicious pancakes and the thoughts happened. usually its me crying screaming and shitting myself in front of an empty word document where ideas manifest. this is notably much more pleasant.
#that alone makes this weekend a good one#i also bought (leased) a new car yesterday!!!#which is exciting for me because i've been driving my first car for 16 years#even though its a base model its still SO much more advanced#hello how did i live without a backup camera of this long#also like. carplay. and auto windshield wipers. and keyless entry/start. and adjustable steering wheel#AND its electric! kinda. (a plug-in hybrid so has both engines but can run on only electric)#i've finally joined the 21st century#although tbh i thought my first car of my adult life may be something bougie. a BMW or some shit#alas i grew up to be too practical. so i bought a prius. because of course.#listen i live in california and wanted to go electric for forever#alas elon shat the bed by being elon so a tesla was an absolute no go#its funny like... you know that most of your customers for these cars were well-off environment-conscious liberals right#i've seen a tesla with a bumper that says 'i bought this before i knew elon was crazy'#which. like. yeah. fair#other fun events from last week. there was a fire super close to our house and we were in the evacuation zone#which is like. wow. i know its been dry and windy but i never thought it would actually happen HERE#everything is okay and we're safe and it was put out really fast#but definitely gave us a pause and made us think about whats important (our cat. everything else is replaceable.)#but another reason this weekend is good: it RAINED. last night and today.#listen i've been... extremely extremely extremely sad the past week#because of everything. because of 'allowance' of ice agents hospitals and thinking about what i would do and risk because FUCK THEM#suffering isn't moral and doesn't help anyone. just trying to find a way to help my community#and three nice things happening AND just hearing the border fire is under control...#its going to be okay. it really is.#anyway this post is about FANFICTIOn#fun fact i started looking into numerology that has to do with ying-yang#which is helping me decide on how many chapters per 'part'#its clever and unnecessary but makes me happy so whatever#chapter 4 of eih is ~2k works now as a mostly-outline
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I love ye olde nicknames where it's either something genuinely cool like "The Universal Spider" or "The Last Knight" or "Heart of Steel," but there's an equal or even greater amount of boring ass ones like "Jakob the Rich" or "Philip the Handsome", like damn did you even try?
#okay tbf the spider guy was also called 'the prudent' and 'the cunning'#but the fact he was such a scheming asshole that he got called a spider is so good#the book i was reading called him the spider king 😭😭#i mean. fair. that guy was an asshole#its funny cause theyre all pretty straightforwardly descriptive#like you can infer a lot abt the people based on that#but 'jakob the rich' killed me. like you KNOW you gotta be rich if that's the thing they chose to describe you#<- his networth was apparently $400 billion by todays standards so#'the rich' you shall be sir!#okay but philip the handsome makes me die every time i think abt him#i was in vienna looking at a portait of his father my boy kaiser max aka the last knight#and it said smth like 'vater des philip de schone' (i cant remember dont bully me)#im like wow! the Handsome! this gut must be pretty handsome#ugliest man ive ever seen.#but in the history book i was reading in his section they kept saying how much of a ladies man he was#ik its true but man. it does not track even remotely by modern standards 😭😭😭#ahhhhh anyways history is the only thing making me happy rn so#hope anyone can appreciate these silly little anecdotes#i am having a lot of fun w this book i kinda wish i took notes#catie.rambling.txt
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Digimon Adventure {Franchise} + Digimon Adventure 02: The Beginning {Movie} ~ 2012!TAICHI YAGAMI & (Ramen chef)!Daisuke Motomiya Serving Taichi (as Friendly)! [+bonus Vmon!] {DigiGift! (Official Art) From HERE} {"DigiGift" was a series of official revival artworks originally released one at a time on/around the 1st of every month featuring various characters from various Digimon anime!} April 2024's calender image was the very first featuring Taichi Yagami's full design from "The Beginning" film in near-full outside of being seen in initial previewed clips of the 1st minutes of the film!
{Light spoiler context under cut!}
Though it's not clear if this kind of scene would take place during or after the film, one can imagine where it might be placed in context with the later story! ("The Beginning" canonically takes place in 2012; Taichi's age should be around 22~ by Kizuna, and, 23-going-on-24 by "The Beginning"'s timeline!) Daisuke, who is always listed canonically as 2~ years younger exactly with no variation, should be around 21-going-on-22!)
I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT DAISUKE+02 CHOSEN WOULD SERIOUSLY """KEEP HATING""" ADV CHOSEN GROUP LONGTERM + OFFICIALLY EVER AGAIN
#taisuke friendship#taichi and daisuke#2012 taichi#2012 daisuke#koushirouizumi posts#koushirouizumi advs#koushirouizumi the beginning#koushirouizumi 02#the beginning spoiler#the beginning spoilers#ambassador taichi#ramen chef daisuke#(Lead Up To It Anyway)#(YELLS I SERIOUSLY NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM ANYONE HERE EVER AGAIN IDEC IF YOU LURKED ME BEFORE +FOR 02 STUFF)#(***NEVER BRING IT UP TO ME LIKE THAT EVEN SEMI SERIOUSLY EVER AGAIN*** OR IM POINTING STRAIGHT TO THIS)#(OK BUT DIGIGIFT IS CONTINUING THIS IS GOOD I MAY GET NEW KOUSHIRO SOMEDAY----)#(I will make it rbable LATER but for now yEAH Tryin to prevent Apr 1st confusion!!!!)#({I can easily see people mistaking this one to be a new series announcement or confirmation without DigiGift context})#(wOW LOOK ITS FUTURE DAISUKE AND TAICHI HOW I ALWAYS IMAGINED THEYD BE NEAR EACH OTHER I)#(*CANT BELIEVE THEYRE FRIENDLY* A N Y W A YYYYY)#i love being right
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anybody else like. dislike the concept of putting the ways youre privileged in your bio in general
#was considering following someone and their bio said 'white american living on indigenous land complicit in genocide'#and its like. dude#that feels like youre just putting a big big flag that says 'LOOK AT ME IM A GOOD WHITE PERSON WHO KNOWS MY PLACE' like#i feel like if youre actually ~one of the good ones~ that should just like. be evident in how you conduct yourself no?#like i dont wanna lend credence to the idea of virtue signalling but. i mean thats literally what that is jabdksbd#thinking abt how every discourse major and minor ive been through has hit some for of 'you MUST put your axis of privilege#in your bio so (oppressed group) can quickly tell if youre speaking over them' and 100% of the time it actually meant#'so (oppressed group) can quickly tell if they can talk over you'#see again that one bnha server that melted down and the ppl who caused the issues were demanding to know everyones ethnicity#and then would aggressively shout at anyone who said white that they werent allowed to talk literally at all#and its like. no youre just using that as an excuse to force people to let you yell at them hello??#insert something here about that post going around saying 'you must have tma or tme in your bio'#like wow yeah no thank you if you want to yell at me you can do so based on the things i say:)#origibberish
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dso stressed i feel like im going to die
#like sooner than i otherwise would#maybe even actually soon#sometimes i think that might be good even. a relief.#i know it wouldnt but i still think it#i told my mom abt the situation and how im feeling like lowkey hoping she would tell me to bail on this thing already#and she didnt really say anything...#idk maybe this was the one time in my life she decided unsolicited advice was inappropriate#feels to me a lot more like an echo of the way she never stood up for me#love her though#sysmates are telling me to trust how i feel but i cant#i cant bail now#but maybe i should sooner rather than later.#ill have an opportunity soonish. i have let people know#that i might#but there isnt yet anyone who could take over#and i dont want to watch the project crash and burn#its an important one in my eyes.#something that makes a tangible difference in peoples lives#and it kind of feels like. if im not willing to die fighting then what am i even living for.#since peace of mind is apparently not a real option i think i would rather fight to the death.#but i keep getting visions of regret and thinking back from the future to now abt how naive and clueless im being by doing this#though those kinds of things usually make me critical of this potential future self.. like why are u being so fucking rude and cruel my bro#im not like that to my past self if i can help it#but god cynicism festers in resentment and overwhelm too so . ugh#like i can see it yeah. and also like i wish this were just a mindset thing but we are talking effects on physical health.#from the stress from this project. like its pretty clear.#and at the same time because of the way my community is being treated it is unthinkable to step down and watch it crash and burn.#i keep thinking idk if anyone would understand. but actually i know some who would. who do#and anyway im already in a position that everyone criticises and doesn't really understand because of the way im looking at it#and it makes me feel so desperate like wow these ppl either can't or won't look at the big picture and the reality of things.
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you getting into 2 things with the word murder in them related to robotics is terrible (affectionate) bc i keep getting confused "that never happened in murder drones wha- OOOOOOH MurderBot"
GOD TELL ME ABOUT IT.
Literally like... I think at the peak of my Murder Drones fixation I went to the bookstore and saw MurderBot and almost picked it up solely because it had murder in the title and also construct/robot stuff. And now look at me...
#ask#coderiderr#Idk if like... the murderbot fixation is going to be worse than murder drones yet bc it's still early on#HOWEVER consider the fact I have yet to read a murder drones fanfic#and I haven't even finished the murderbot series and am already 9 chapters deep into a 20 chapter fanfic#like it's bad and I don't even have anyone to bounce my insanity off of (yet)#this is my cry for help to get more people to read these books I am so serious#or maybe once the apple+ tv show comes out then I can get people into it (if that is good) (I have mixed opinions on the casting)#me looking at all the parenthesis I just used: wow how murderbot writing style of me
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girl who hates gore and horror draws slay the princess fanart For Some Reason
#I'll post it when it’s done#hhhhh#for anyone asking I guess: I like the game okay. have to look away from the screen during playthroughs sometimes#but most of the time it's not too bad for me#subject matter makes me kinda uncomfy sometimes but the writing is good#I can appreciate the writing style without liking the gorey aspects#anyway (draws fury and razor even though she just talked about disliking gore)#it's okay I don't know how to draw gore so it looks bad and that's comforting to me#because I can look at it and think ''wow that doesn't look like organs at all'' and therefore it's not scary
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When I was working at the sex shop I was pulling poverty wages. I loved my job but I was on food stamps and still barely getting by. When they hired the stores first male employee and he started at my pay rate after I’d been there for three years I quit.
I was initially really nervous when I saw the post for the mattress job. It listed a pay scale that I couldn’t even conceptualize and I appeared qualified. When I got an interview I was over the moon but also petrified. Reactions to my line of work often varied but most people were very embarrassed or skeptical. I worried about how I’d address it in the actual interview.
I lived far to the north of their headquarters and drove almost two hours to get there. When I finally arrived it was in the nicest thrift store clothes I could find, but I shrank inside to see a room full of older white men in nice suits waiting to be interviewed for the same job.
Why did I bother? I was decades younger than anyone else in the room, shabbily dressed, and I suspected I was the only afab person in the entire building. I stewed in my insecurities until I was called in.
The second I met my interviewer I was instantly put at ease. The man had the energy of a therapy dog, he was abound with positive, good natured energy. He was also incredibly beautiful. I grinned back at his welcoming smile as we said our pleasantries. But still. This very beautiful polished man seemed very innocent. How would the sex shop question go?
“I see here you worked at STORE?”
“Yes,” I said hesitantly.
“And that was sales? Or you just rang people up.”
“No, it was sales. I’d help people find products, we were encouraged to upsell, there was sales spiffs, and most importantly we educated customers on products to help them find what they liked best.”
He grinned approvingly and asked, “Can you give me an example of a time you successfully upsold a customer?”
I paused, wringing my hands before I asked, “How vague would you like me to be…?”
“Not at all!” He assured me. “Go for it!”
“Well. A man came in looking for something to make his fingers vibrate so when he was touching his wife it would enhance that sensation. We had cheap $10 cockrings that I showed him first. But we had a rechargeable waterproof one made of nicer material, and after I showed him a demo he bought that one.”
“How much was that one?”
“$110”
“Wow! You had an upsell of 100% from what he came in looking for! That’s incredible!”
He was so truly genuinely stoked and not at all embarrassed that for the first time I saw a tiny glimmer of a future where I didn’t have ramen and peanut butter tiding me over between paychecks.
He asked me to wait then came back to tell me he liked me so much that he wanted to send me right into another interview, if that was okay. He didn’t want me to have to drive back later, it was terribly considerate and exciting. I beamed and told him it would be lovely.
I then had the second worst interview I’ve ever had. The worst goes to the time I applied to be a store manager for a pet food place years later. The district and store manager interviewing me passed notes and texted while I was speaking. When the district manager called to inform me I didn’t get the job I told him I’d never have accepted anyway because I’d never had such a disrespectful interview.
The new man sitting behind the desk radiated an aura of a brick wall. As someone with anxiety I’m highly keyed into the emotional states of people I’m talking to. To receive no feedback at all was my personal hell. After a perfunctory greeting he asked me with no inflection to sell him a pen.
I gathered the shreds of my courage and attempted the Herculean task he’d set me. Through my whole improvised spiel he resisted all attempts at engaging him, regarding me with a cold apathy as I touted the benefits of my fictitious pen.
Halfway through I broke into a cold sweat. My smile didn’t waver but it grew strained as I projected friendliness and warmth into the black hole of his heart. My thoughts scattered and my sales pitch grew redundant in the face of his nothingness. I finally concluded with a hard close and he simply nodded.
He glanced at my resume and commented, “You didn’t ask me to touch or hold it. Though I suppose I can understand from your previous line of work why you wouldn’t.” I shriveled and died inside knowing that I encouraged people to touch dildos all day long and had been too frazzled to offer him the pen.
He bid me a cool farewell. I made it to my car before I started sobbing. I had never been so rattled. I couldn’t understand what I’d done to make him so unfriendly or if my threadbare clothes were what had made him treat me like dirt. I drove an hour and a half to get home, weeping intermittently.
I was therefore taken by complete surprise to receive a call the next day inviting me on board for their five week training program. The first man who’d interviewed me gushed on the phone about how the second guy had loved me and that I was going to be fantastic.
I was in shock. When I showed up to training the second interviewer was charming my new classmates, beaming and laughing. He was an utterly different person. To my dismay I learned he was the trainer for my district and would be my point of contact if I made it through training.
He joked with me later that his interview facade was just a tactic to see how people held up under pressure and I filed him into a category of my deepest enmity. I never forgave him for how small he made me feel that day, but I never showed him the depths of my fury.
I aced every test and went on to be valedictorian of the eight people who had survived the rigorous training process to earn a sales position. When I got my first paycheck I bought myself new clothes, the first non-thrifted things I’d owned in years.
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hi again been a bit... uhhh why'd I wanna make this again? oh right talking about random shit. I do wanna get back into some things I left off with some friends of mine, but due to being me and it being a very hard existence things didnt go as planned and I kinda dropped it and lost interest.... which really sucks cause I have so many ideas for where I wanted to take my story ( working on a kirby au of sorts havent sorted out through the entire thing cause my brain doesnt wanna work with me :/ ) that I wanted to actually bring into existence instead of it all just being in my head or a rough draft. maybe I can push myself into gaining interest again by actually working on it again. what I had orginally thought up is no longer what I wanna go with so new things are hard to come up with. off topic from that I have so many fucking games I need to get back to and the game list keeps getting bigger and bigger its gonna drown me at some point :( whyyyyy do I keep doing this to myself.... doom I'm dooming myself this is what I'm doing. and cause I'm me I'm def gonna be forgetting that I made this post in the first place! dont you love being this mess of a person? isnt this FUN?!
#astralsys.tx#fronting astral: k#check dni /srs#the answer is no#I hate this so much#every time I think about how my life is goddamn awful I'm just fucking thinking about all the fakers ik in my life#if they fucking saw me and lived this life they would kts#clearly dont understand how this disorder works LOL#you all just think its “mpd” and all fun and dandy dontcha#even the personal fakers ik dont understand how this disorder works either I just wanted to fucking scream at them#and tell them their “case” is not real and they're being fictitious that this is imitative d.i.d. you're doing this on purpose#no you are not a minor discovered “d.i.d. system” who is “fictive heavy” with an obsurd number of “alters / headmates” actually stfu die#I just wanna slap them with sources of researchers of actual fakers and show them make them look in the fucking mirror#THIS IS YOU DO YOU NOT SEE YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR ARE YOU NOT LOOKING AT YOURSELF CLEARLY?!#even if I did that they STILL wouldnt back down and claim to my fucking face that they “suffer” from “d.i.d.”#yeah sure you fucking do with your 73pk+ which most of them are “introject fictives” from either your “HF / SPIN” or new media#and you act like youre rp'ing as them whenever they're brought up in convo and self dx'es with “osdd-1b” 1st and said you've done “research#clearly not good research if you didnt figure out that “osdd1b / osdd1a” are “community terms” and not actual dx'es also claimed self dx'ed#asd adhd anxiety depression & ofc “d.i.d.”. the other 2 are even worse all 3 of them “discovered they were systems” when they were minors#12pk rn but that number kept changing said 51 now 39 30 -> 42 -> 13 -> 12 yeah no way this is fucking real are you fucking kidding me?#all of them but ONE was a non “introject alter” yeah get fucking real buddy not even in active med help and your “member” count went down?#fuck off and then the last one's number keeps rising and rising this is like the worst one thats actually just screaming fake to my face#wow omfg 100pk now it was not like that a couple days ago you have got to be actually kidding me are you seeing yourself like actually rn#and ofc all of them are “introjects” from fucking somewhere and from very recent media too cause ofc it is cant even pretend right can you?#I cant with these fucking people man do you really think you can bullshit me like this to my fucking face with this shit do you honestly#think ANYONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES YOU#ALL THREE OF YOU ARE THE WORST PEOPLE YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD TO ME#ok thats enough ranting out of me I'm just fucking sick of you people#get off the fucking internet#| ✨💫
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my life would be so much better with a 2nd non-bathroom room and a bunny rabbit
#bnuny thoughts#i think im getting burnt out on splatoon and it's making me sad#idk what else to do i wish i could pursue my hobbies but without space or meds i can't muster the strength i need#also i tried looking for a job today and wow. you even need a food certification to be paid minimum wage??#i just can't deal with this shit at all still#job hunting irl doesnt work and neither does online#too many barriers to entry for the simplest of things#i don't understand how anyone functions under these conditions#im not good enough at anything to be paid for it i guess#this system thinks i should die i guess#food is taking up all my extra money nowadays#and im still running out of food stamps#im eating 2 cups of ramen a day ($3 each) because i keep gagging on the $1 maruchan cups of ramen#i ordered a copious amount of noodles on amazon hoping to keep my food costs strictly on my EBT this month#trying to go out by myself as little as possible so that I can afford to be able to *insert literally anything that isn't play video games*#im so so deeply tired of video games i wish i could experience the wonders of life and reality but that costs money each time#video games cost money 1 time and can be played over and over again#sometimes they dont even cost money#but a drink that isn't prepackaged costs at least $5#and food is even more than that#and no loitering because everything is actually private property#and also i feel extremely uncomfortable in public places like parks because strangers have always been hostile to me (in georgia)#and i have not had any experiences that conflict with that trend as i avoid public spaces (which is easy because you have to seek them out)#i want to be in one but i won't feel comfortable because i will feel like i don't belong#also i wouldnt know what to do#and anything like “daydreaming” or “relaxing” would probably result in my dazed ass accidentally staring at someone for too long#i just don't know how to deal with such an intense fear#at least not by myself
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Send Nudes
Summary: Chaos ensues after you accidentally send Spencer a nude pic
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Category: Smut
Content Warnings: (18+, minors DNI) dub-con (Spencer receives an unsolicited nude pic), embarrassment, awkwardness, tension, heavy kissing, male masturbation, oral (fem receiving), handjob, protected penetrative sex
Author's Note: I wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins Wrong Recipient Challenge!
Word count: 3.2k
Masterlist
Panic. Embarrassment. Shame.
It was hard to describe what you felt when you stared at your phone, realizing that you had just sent Spencer Reid a nude picture of yourself.
It was a mistake, of course – right when you wanted to send him a screenshot of an article, you stumbled over the mess in your apartment and selected the wrong picture. Frozen in place, you watched in horror as the read receipt showed up instantly.
Spencer had just seen your naked body light up on the screen of his phone.
A picture he never asked for and probably didn't want to see. It wasn’t a bad photo, some might even call it aesthetically pleasing. But you had never intended for anyone else to see it. It was just a way for you to make yourself feel good about your body.
You contemplated your options. Burning your phone, moving across the country and changing your identity sounded intriguing but difficult to arrange. Instead you decided to text Spencer, hoping that soon you’d both be able to laugh about the embarrassing thing you just did.
“I am so sorry about that. I really didn't mean to send that! Can you please delete the pic and forget about it?”
You didn't get a response. Spencer was never great at texting but you had really hoped to hear back from him. It was hard to tell if he felt just as embarrassed or maybe even offended – you certainly wouldn't want to receive unsolicited nude pics either.
You had barely gotten any sleep when you walked into work the next morning. Worst case scenarios had plagued your mind all night – from another painful workplace sexual harassment seminar to maybe even losing your job over your mishap – you had no idea what would expect you today.
Everything seemed normal when you got to your desk, except for the fact that your favorite coworker didn't even look at you when you walked by him. Spencer usually liked sitting beside you in the conference room and also on the jet, but he did neither of those things that day.
“Wow you really must have pissed Reid off, huh?” Luke whispered when he sat down beside you on the plane.
“Did he say anything to you?” you wanted to know.
“No, he didn't. What did you do? Spill coffee over his favorite chess board?” he teased.
“Oh it’s so much worse than that,” you whined while heat rushed to your face.
Emily decided to discuss the case before Luke could ask more questions. Spencer avoided you for the next couple of hours until you decided you both had suffered enough.
A quiet moment in the coffee kitchen of the police precinct seemed good enough to approach him.
“Hey Spencer,” you said and noticed how he almost jumped at the sound of your voice.
“H…hi,” he mumbled, his eyes fixated on the floor.
Stepping closer, he finally looked at you for the first time that day. The rosy shade spreading over his cheeks was impossible to ignore.
“I’m very sorry about the… you know. I didn't mean to send it but I understand if you feel offended by it,” you sincerely told him.
“I’m not… offended.”
You took a deep breath before you continued talking, “All I want to say is… if you want to discuss this incident with Emily or even HR, I would understand. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable in any way.”
“No, it’s okay, really,” he lied. “We can just forget about it.”
Spencer Reid was good at many things. Lying, however, definitely wasn’t his strong suit. You decided to drop the subject for now, aware that talking more about it would probably not make him less uncomfortable.
The tension between you two was palpable for the rest of the workday. When you stepped into your hotel room that night, you were relieved to finally have a couple of walls between the two of you.
If this thing didn't resolve soon, you’d have to talk to Emily about it eventually. But there was still hope that it wouldn't come to that. The embarrassment about your mishap was already bad enough as is.
The three knocks on your hotel door startled you. With your heart beating uncomfortably fast, you walked over to the door to find Spencer on the other side.
He walked into your room without saying a word. Then he began slowly pacing up and down your room, still silent. He looked at you for a second but his sight fell to the floor immediately after that.
“I uh…” he began before taking a deep breath. “I lied to you earlier.”
“About what?” you wanted to clarify. “Wanting to go to HR?”
He shook his head. “I said that we can just forget about it but I don’t think I can do that.”
Your heart felt heavy at his words. His discomfort pained you and you wished nothing more than to be able to take it back. “I’m so sorry Spencer.”
“I deleted the image off my phone but…” he paused to finally look at you. The expression written over his face was hard to read. What you didn't find was the discomfort you expected. Instead he looked… cocky?
He continued, “...it seems like it’s burned into my brain. And I can’t help but wonder, was it really an accident?”
“What?! Of course!” you squeaked. “Believe me, I would never want to send you a picture like that unprompted.”
That was when you saw a subtle smirk on his face. “Interesting choice of words.”
You thought about it for a moment. Had you really just implied that you would want to send him nudes if he’d ask you to?
“That's not what I meant,” you tried to brush it off. “And please don’t give me a lecture about Freudian slips.”
His presence filled the room and you felt like you couldn't take deep enough breaths to satiate your need for oxygen. His demeanor was so different from what you were used to and you had trouble wrapping your head around it.
His next question was even more surprising. “Who did you take this picture for?”
The undertone in his voice was unsettling and you started feeling defensive. “I don’t see how that's any of your business but just for the record, I took it for myself. I do that occasionally to make myself feel good about my body.”
It seemed as if he was content, almost relieved with your answer. You scanned his body language again and replayed his words in your head. Then it hit you all at once. Spencer was not here to scold you for what you did.
He was jealous. And he wanted to make sure no one else got to see your picture.
A grin formed on your face as you realized that you could play this game too.
Your tone was laced with a certain playfulness when you asked, “What did you do after you saw the picture?”
The change of your demeanor seemed to take Spencer by surprise. “I just told you, I deleted it.”
“I don't think that's all you did.” He audibly gulped and you noticed his cheeks taking on a reddish color. Stepping closer to him, you whispered, “Did you touch yourself, Spencer?”
A shaky breath left his mouth before he confessed, “Yes.”
“Naughty boy,” You teased him. “You really liked that image, hm?”
Nodding, he took a step forward until there was barely any space between the two of you. “I can't stop thinking about you.”
His words boosted your confidence. “I know I look great in that pic. But I think I would look even better in this lighting right here, don’t you think?”
Before you could bring to action what you had insinuated, you felt Spencer's hands cupping your face to pull you into a kiss. The surprised gasp escaping your throat was muffled by his lips against yours.
He kissed you with a fervor that knocked the air out of your lungs. Weakness rushed to your knees and you had to hold onto him to not tumble back. One hand pawed at his shirt while the other one held onto his shoulder. His lips felt soft yet firm against yours.
When his tongue begged for entrance, you let it. As he deepened the kiss, you could feel heat rushing through body. A few moments ago you really thought you’d have the upper hand in this game you were playing but now realized you were just as pathetic as he was.
Maybe sending him that image was a Freudian slip of some kind. Or maybe it was just some odd plan the universe had to bring you together. Either way, you were grateful for how things turned out.
Your hands became curious as they wandered over Spencer’s body. The tingling in your fingertips could only be soothed by feeling his skin underneath them, so they quickly began unbuttoning his shirt. Spencer showed a similar interest in feeling more of you by the way his fingers dropped down to the hem of your shirt.
Piece after piece both of your clothes fell to the floor, only ever breaking the kiss for as long as necessary. When you stood completely bare in front of one another, you dared to press your body against his to feel him.
It was impossible to tell who moaned first when his length pressed against your stomach. With a firm grip on his shoulders, you moved him back until his legs made contact with the edge of the bed. You pushed down until he sat on the mattress, staring up at you with a curiosity in his eyes that made your heart jump.
As you stepped back, his tongue darted out of his mouth to lick over his lips and you wondered if he thought about tasting you. To your surprise, he managed to not break eye contact until you challenged him, “Go on, take a look.”
His sight scanned your body, lingering on your breasts for a second before moving further down, taking everything in. You couldn’t hold back from looking at him, too. A rosy color had spread all over his cheeks and chest and when you dared to drop your eyes to his cock, you noticed how it twitched slightly against his thigh.
“You’re so beautiful,” he cooed when your eyes met again.
“Better than the image?” you teased, smirking at him.
He only nodded before looking at your body again. It was like he was mesmerized, as if a miracle had just unfolded right before him. It became obvious that he was ready to worship you if you’d let him. But first, you had something else in your mind.
“Show me exactly what you did when you saw my picture,” you told him.
He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Wh… what?”
“Don’t be shy now,” you snickered. “Come on, I wanna see how pretty you think I am.”
The sweet smile on your face seemed to encourage him enough to let his right hand move towards his hardness. It was as if he needed reassurance when he found your eyes and you nodded.
He wrapped his fingers around his cock, giving himself a squeeze and you watched as precum spilled over the tip. Slowly, he began moving his fist up and down his length, swiping his thumb over the head each time he got to the top. The groan that slipped from his lips could only be described as absolutely sinful.
You couldn’t deny how much the sight in front of you turned you on. Spencer was so incredibly beautiful and the thought that your body had the ability to make him feral like that drove you insane.
Arousal gathered at your entrance the longer you watched him. This show was no longer enough for you, you needed more. Your hands found the curve of your chest, gently kneading them before your fingers began toying with your hardened peaks. Spencer’s eyes were fixated on your hands, his mouth hanging wide open and unabashedly moaning at the sight while accelerating the pace of his hand.
Then suddenly, he stopped and got up from bed. Desperation was written all over his face when he looked at you.
“Please,” he begged as he stepped closer. “I need to touch you.”
It was everything you wanted right then, too.
“I’m all yours, Spencer.”
His mouth was on yours in an instant and he didn’t waste any time to move you over to the bed to push you onto the mattress. He followed quickly, towering over you as he kissed down your neck, making you moan in anticipation of what would follow.
He moved further down your body, kissing and nipping on the tender flesh of your breasts before focusing his attention on your nipples. The sensation was almost unbearable and you could feel how your arousal began coating the insides of your thighs.
Spencer smiled against your skin when he noticed you rocking your hips against his leg every so slightly. His confidence grew as he realized that you wanted him just as much as he wanted you.
“Needy,” he chuckled as he kissed down your stomach. “That’s cute.”
Right then you couldn’t care less about being in charge, you just wanted to be taken care of. When his lips brushed over your inner thigh, you opened your legs further to give him better access. He lay down between your legs and didn’t waste any time before he began leaving feather light kisses against your folds.
You watched as he licked his own lips, tasting your essence on them before he found your eyes.
“You’re so wet,” he teased and let a finger move along your slit. “Is that all for me?”
He expected a witty response, like you telling him to bring his mouth to good use for once. So it took him by surprise when you simply sighed, “Yes.”
There was no more game to play. No more back and forth of who was in charge. It was just the two of you, equally as desperate to finally do what you both had been dreaming of for weeks.
“Good,” Spencer whispered, his hot breath tickling your core, before he finally granted you some relief.
His tongue moved through your folds, collecting your taste before he focussed on your most sensitive spot. He experimented with different motions for a few moments, paying attention to your reactions until he found what you enjoyed the most. Your hand flew to his hair, your fingers intertwining with his curls to hinder him from moving away – even though he had no intention to do so, anyway.
With one arm wrapped around your thigh he hindered you from bucking uncontrollably against his face while his other hand found your entrance, letting two fingers slip into you with ease. He moved with great precision, adjusting the angle and the pace according to your reactions, bringing you closer to your breaking point with every second passing.
The sounds of your pleasure filled the room as you began dancing along the brink of euphoria. With just a few more skillful motions, he pushed you over it. Your walls pulsed around his fingers while your entire body shook. He worked you through your orgasm before he lay back down beside you, placing a gentle kiss against your lips.
You were still panting when you found his eyes. The warm amber of his irises was almost completely swallowed by his pupils, the lust visible in his eyes contradicting the saccharine smile he showed you.
“You okay?” he breathed as he wrapped one arm around your waist.
“Yeah,” you confirmed while one of your hands moved down his body.
Tentatively, you let your fingertips brush along his length, feeling his velvety skin under your touch. “Now what are we gonna do with you?” you purred as you wrapped your fingers tightly around him, making him gasp.
With a torturously slow pace, you moved along his cock. “Tell me, Spencer. What do you want?”
“I uhm…,” he audibly swallowed. “I have a condom in my pocket.”
The fact that he brought a condom to your hotel room when he came over early amused you. He never had any intention of just talking to you.
“So, you want to fuck me?”
“Yes,” he admitted unabashedly. “If you want that, too, of course.”
With a nod you confirmed that that was exactly what you wanted as well. Right after you let go of him, he grabbed his pants from the floor to take out the foil wrapper. You watched as he ripped it open and carefully rolled down the condom.
Then, he kneeled down between your legs, taking a moment to admire the beauty of the woman in front of him.
“Come here,” you cooed and he leaned over you without hesitation.
Reaching between your bodies, you guided him to your entrance. He closed his eyes when he slowly entered you, relishing the sensation of stretching you open inch by inch. When he was fully inside you, he kissed you before he began moving with slow thrusts.
Wrapping your legs around his hips, you brought him even closer. When he was sure that you could take it, he accelerated his pace, fucking you against the mattress until you were sure you would lose your mind.
Spencer’s body began trembling and he suddenly stopped moving.
“Sorry, I’m really close,” he whined and tried to pull out slightly.
“Don’t stop,” you pleaded as you kept him in place with your legs around him. “Please, I need it.”
One of your hands moved down to where your bodies were joined to desperately draw circles around your little nub, making you clench hard around his hardness.
“Fuck,” he whimpered as he began moving again. “I can’t, ah–”
With just a few more deep thrusts Spencer came, his cock twitching inside you as his whole body shook. It was enough to throw you over edge too, entering a state of pure bliss together with him. After you had both come down from your high, you welcomed him inside your embrace, your fingertips gently dancing over his back as he caught his breath.
For the sake of getting cleaned up you separated for a few moments, only to lay back down together soon after. A shaky breath fell from Spencer’s lips and caught your attention.
“So…,” he began talking but didn’t continue.
You propped yourself up on one elbow to find his eyes. “Yeah?”
“I wanted to ask if maybe–”
“You want me to send you that pic again?” you interrupted him with a grin on your face.
“No,” he laughed. “I mean… that’s not what I wanted to say.”
Still in a teasing mood, you snickered, “But you would like to see that pic again?”
“You know what,” he chuckled as he lifted the blanket to get a peek at your naked body. “I think I actually prefer this.”
“Good,” you chirped. “If you want to see more of me you’ll have to take me on a date though.”
Placing a soft kiss on your lips, he whispered, “Deal.”
Thank you for reading! Please like, reblog and leave a comment to show your support and help me stay motivated to write more stories!

Taglist: @adoredfromafar @grumpyy-bearr @frickin-bats @pleasantwitchgarden @cynbx @xserenax-13 @alexxavicry @samuel-de-champagne-problems @evvy96 @reidsbookclub @lover-of-books-and-tea @sebs-oxygen @nomajdetective @kobaltdragon @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @castiels-majestic-wings
#spencer reid#doctor spencer reid#dr spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fic#spencer reid smut#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x reader#criminal minds#criminal minds smut#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds fanfiction
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Let him know that.
I fear he knows already.
#thought I’d bring this one back again for good measure#still doing the math on how Cesare meant to pass this off as a casual thing#I mean I guess that as a man who is getting his big fancy armour fitted for his big fancy war#he was feeling confident#but does that translate to this? hm#i do like that he seems to hesitate the moment he lets his head hang forward#but then he’s already inclining his head at too rapid a speed and she hasn’t objected yet so he’s probably like#yeah shit I’m going to have to see this through or it’ll be weirder#*cue the kiss reaching#I’m not lying when I say that I’ve never seen anyone try THIS hard to avoid sticking their tongue in someone’s mouth#like they are actively de-frenching this French kiss#and then when he pulls away and she looks like she’s transcended her body#he starts getting all ‘ehumyeah so tell him I have a sword now and I can use it to prick things you Don’t like#and she’s like hmmmm yeah thx great#*kisses his shoulder* (?)#he starts chugging on his armour thinking wow I handled that like a PRO#all the people that were in the other side of the room watching this unfold like ehm so they were like adopted or something right or?#I just love this scene I think it’s one of the best hahaha#bc just borgiacest#cesare x lucrezia#holliday grainger#francois arnaud
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𓂃 𝄞 . . . ENHYPEN REACTION WHEN YOU WEAR PRETTY MINISKIRTS



( 𝐵𝑂𝑂𝐾𝑆𝐻𝐸𝐿𝐹 ) 🍮 엔하이픈 형 & 𝑓!reader ୧ 𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑟𝑒 fluff slightly suggestive scenarios reactions non–idol au ꒡⌓꒡ 𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 established relationship pet names kissing physical intimacy physical touch hint of suggestive themes
HEESEUNG
you step into the kitchen, adjusting your skirt as you move, and you can feel heeseung's eyes on you instantly.
he’s leaning against the counter with a glass of water in hand, but the way his grip tightens ever so slightly makes your heart beat a little faster.
“that’s new” he remarks, his voice low, his gaze traveling down your legs and back up again.
“do you like it?” you ask, spinning slowly, knowing full well the effect you have on him.
he crosses the room in a few quick steps, his hands finding your waist, pulling you close. “like it?” he murmurs, his lips brushing your ear “i’m obsessed”.
you laugh softly, but the way his fingers trace slow, deliberate circles on your hip sends shivers down your spine.
“i might have to cancel our plans” he teases, his voice playful but his eyes full of affection “i can't let anyone else see you like this”.
JAY
it's no surprise to you that jay's favorite way of spending money on you is by buying you pretty skirts.
“go try it on, baby” he encourages, waiting on the couch while you go change. when you emerge back in the living room, he's in awe.
the way the skirt hugs your curves just the right way has him almost drool right then and there, but he's a composed man so he just smiles widely and motions for you to come closer.
“wow, just wow…” he comments, holding your thighs with both of his hands, staring shamelessly at your bare legs.
you place your hands on his shoulders and giggle at his expression. “does it look good?” you ask, taking a few steps back to twirl slowly.
he stands up, closing the distance between you and catching your hand, pulling you against his chest.
“it looks perfect” you look up at his soft smile, and he finally presses his lips on yours passionately.
JAKE
wearing a miniskirt means having jake following you around for the rest of the day like a lovesick puppy. he can't stop looking at you, with that stupid smile plastered on his face.
whenever you're near, his hands trail near your lower back or your upper thigh, rubbing small circles with his thumb.
“can you wear that pink skirt today?” he eagerly asks when you have to go out, and you chuckle, knowing you had him all wrapped around your finger already.
you smile knowingly while pulling the skirt out of the closet and jake's eyes immediately light up.
he crosses the room to wrap his arms around your waist gently, resting his chin on your shoulder.
"can you blame me?" he murmurs, pressing a kiss to your temple "you look so good in it, i can't help myself".
you roll your eyes, but the warmth in his voice and the way he looks at you make your heart skip a beat.
SUNGHOON
his eyes dart over your outfit, and he lingers a moment extra on that cute miniskirt with an unreadable gaze.
but the small smile that he fights to keep in and the shy look in his eyes tell you just how much his brain goes highwire.
“looks good” he mumbles, walking over to you, placing a hand on the side of your hip and pulling you against him.
his hand is constantly near the small of your back, especially when you wear skirts this short.
when you go out, he insists on walking behind you when the path is too crowded.
“just to protect you, nothing else” he keeps insisting as you tease him with a playful smile, but you know his eyes can't help but wander down when you turn back.
you do catch him from time to time, slapping his chest lightly as he stumbles over his words in search for an excuse, and you just laugh at his reddening cheeks.
#enhypen reactions#enhypen headcanons#enhypen imagines#enhypen scenarios#enhypen fluff#enhypen#enha imagines#enha reactions#enhypen x reader#enha x reader#lee heeseung#jay park#enhypen jake#enhypen sunghoon#enhypen heeseung imagines#enhypen jay imagines#enhypen jake imagines#enhypen sunghoon imagines#heeseung x reader#jay x reader#jaeyun x reader#sunghoon x reader#enhypen fanfiction#heeseung imagines#heeseung fluff#sunghoon fluff#sunghoon imagines#jay park fluff#enhypen jake fluff#enha headcanons
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in infinite universes
in which spencer reid picks up uni!reader from a party. you're drunk, and he's in love with you
fluff:) warnings/tags: established relationship, fem!reader, university!reader x professor!spencer but you're not his student, unspecified age gap, um statistic about deaths from drunk driving, spencer is a nerd a/n: this is accidentally so romantic I'm gonna puke
The night is chilly—a still, dry type of cold that comes before snowfall. It’s quiet, like the world is preparing for that heavy blanket of white. Even the pounding bass from the frat house doesn’t make it very far before falling flat at the end of the yard. By the time Spencer gets you to his car down the block, it’s a thready pulse.
“Thanks for walking me,” you say, giving him a saccharine smile as he opens the passenger door for you. His scoff is a thick white cloud, crystallizing against cold, shining skin, slightly pinkened from the temperature. Spencer is glowing like a star tonight. You don’t know if it’s the blurriness from the alcohol in your system smudging the edges of him, or if it’s just that incandescent halo that always seems to follow him around.
“You know I wasn’t going to let you walk down frat row by yourself at one in the morning.”
You pout and look up at him, leaning close.
“So you don’t want me to say thank you?”
Spencer’s mouth is curved in absent-minded affection as he takes advantage of the opportunity to study you up close with darting eyes, entertaining your girlish flirtation, and you in turn get to admire the starlit flush of his cheeks, the way his hair falls around his face and thick eyelashes frame irises that could melt ice. You’re not entirely conscious of the huge grin that cracks open your face, but you suspect its presence when his own lips part, still smiling, like he’s maybe going to say something sweet. Or teasing.
“You’re drunk.”
At this absolute and unarguable truth, you frown. He’s grinning now as he adjusts the thick scarf around your neck, shielding your ears and neck further from the chill that the open car door can’t block.
“No I’m not.”
“C’mere,” he murmurs, and before you can process it he’s leaning down, so of course your eyes are going to flutter shut and of course you’re going to kiss him back. The gentle ferocity of it only has you stumbling in place a little bit, and he steadies you with hands around your waist. It’s over entirely too soon. You blink up at him, your shock and fluster betrayed by the visible huff of air dispelled as soon as he pulls away. He’s smiling even wider now. Vindicated. Eyes sparkling. “Gin? Wow. You are drunk.”
It takes you a moment longer than it usually would to decipher how he figured this out.
“So you just kissed me to prove your theory right?”
The sparkling satisfaction from his indictment softens around his eyes.
“I knew you were drunk when you almost fell down the stairs a minute ago. The kiss was purely selfish.”
“It’s icy,” you defend, and your heart flutters as he comes in for another kiss. It’s soft and still shockingly deep for being on the street, where anyone could see—although everyone smart is inside, and anyone else is too drunk to care that his mouth is open against yours and the heat of it is translating deep in your stomach. You’re dizzy by the time he laughs quietly against you.
“What college student is pounding gin and tonics at a frat party?”
The thick wool of his coat bunches under your searching fingers.
“Me,” you whisper. “I was classing up the joint.”
The final kiss he presses to your lips is sweeter and half smile. “Drunk.”
The murmured accusation shouldn’t make you feel so giddy. Maybe it’s all the gin.
“Not.”
Another little chuckle warms the tip of your nose and your lips as he breathes it out.
“So you’re good to drive us home?”
You itch to kiss him again, but instead, you respond, “One person dies every thirty nine minutes in America from drunk driving.”
“Good job. You passed.”
The praise is accompanied by a thumb rubbing at your hip through denim. He probably thought you weren’t listening when he’d spouted that particular statistic a few hours ago.
“Do I get a gold star?”
He kisses your head.
“We’ll see. Get in.”
On the way home, that last shot hits you. You slump down in your seat and hide your face in your hands.
“Oh, Spencer. I’m… I’m drunk.”
You feel him glancing at you before he sets a concerned hand on your thigh.
“You okay?”
Morosely you nod.
“Yeah. I took a shot with this… Delta Phi Epsilon guy, right before you got there. I wasn’t gonna, but he was like, no, you have to! And now I realize that was dumb.”
Spencer’s hand finds the back of your head, stroking your hair.
“Do you know what I’m going to say about frat boys pressuring you to drink?”
“It wasn’t like that. He was really nice.”
“I’m sure he was,” Spencer says dryly. “Lots of men become really nice when they think they might have something to gain.”
“I thought he was gay!” You laugh, uncovering your face. “Sorry, dad. I won’t drink alcohol or talk to boys anymore.”
Spencer makes a face and you know you’ve successfully traded pounds of flesh.
“If you call me dad again I’m making you take an abnormal psych class.”
You give him a lazy smile which he only takes his eyes off the road for a few seconds to admire.
“I’d take abnormal psych if you were my professor.”
That perpetual upturn at the corners of his perfect mouth flickers wider.
“Wow. Does gin make you sexually frustrated?”
“It makes me lazy. The professor-student thing is really low hanging fruit.”
“Yeah, it is. You know I’ll expect better material from you once you’ve sobered up.”
You sigh and let your head loll to the front again, studying the tunneling road through the windshield. A few flakes slash the headlights. Your mind wanders. You don’t bother reeling it in.
“I’m really glad I’m not your student. I’d have the worst crush on you.”
Spencer casts you another side-long glance before adjusting the rear-view mirror.
“You don’t have a crush on me now?”
“Of course I do. But you like me back. If I was your student you’d never look at me like that. I would just have to pine after you and fall in deep unrequited love like all your other female students.”
He hums skeptically.
“I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t imagine not being in love with you.”
“There are universes where you’re not. There are infinite realities where I am your student and you don’t like me back and you’re dating other girls who aren’t me and you’re saying this exact stuff to them.”
“True. There are also infinite realities where I find you and I fall in love with you.” Spencer reaches over again, taking your hand and settling them, joined, in your lap. “For each trillionth of a billionth of a second of the life I’ve lived thus far, there are infinite universes which exist solely so I can fall in love with you in a new way. Over and over again. There’s not a choice I could make in any timeline, or in any universe, that doesn’t lead an infinite number of me’s to an infinite number of you’s.”
The engine hums. The tires roll.
Other than that—it’s dead silent.
Because how could he ever expect anyone to respond to that?
You slink low in your seat and bring his hand to cradle your face, warm against your cheek.
“I hate you,” you mumble. Spencer strokes your jaw absentmindedly, not at all concerned by your dramatics.
“You hate me? I just said I love you.”
“No, you did not. You said th���I don’t even wanna call it romantic. Romantic doesn’t—I don’t even know what that was. You can’t just say things like that, Spencer! You can’t just casually say stuff like that to me, and especially not when I’m drunk, because I’m gonna start crying!”
The last word pitches up and perfectly illustrates your point as tears begin to roll down your cheeks—still nipped by the cold.
Spencer quickly pulls the car off to the side of the abandoned road.
He’s all affection as he twists to face you and take your face in his hands properly, thumbing away tears.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“You j-just love me so much,” you sob.
“Yes,” Spencer laughs like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I do. I love you so much. I didn’t mean to make you cry, sweetheart.”
“You—you don’t even realize, that you said the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to anyone, and you love me more than anyone’s ever loved anyone, and—and—”
You cut yourself off with another hot wave of tears and a shuddering cry.
“Oh, my girl,” Spencer coos through an adoring little laugh as he pushes hair out of your face. “You are so drunk, baby. Come here.”
You let him undo your buckle and pull you across the console-less seat (thank you, vintage car) into his arms. For a minute or two you can hardly speak, crying into the warmth of his jacket as he holds you.
Eventually, you manage to raise your head and pull back enough to look at him. Immediately he’s assessing you with those soft eyes, watching how you wipe away whatever tears didn’t soak into his clothing. Under his watchful gaze, you exhale a sniffing laugh.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.”
It’s so immediate you’re knocked off balance again. “Well—you were just being nice, and I—”
“I do love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone.”
Usually, you dislike being interrupted.
In this instance, you’ll let it slide.
It’s simply too earnest, too honest as his eyes dart between yours like he couldn’t contain it. Like you said it and the thought struck him right in the face—an obvious truth he hadn’t considered before.
“In infinite universes?” You sniffle.
“In infinite universes,” he agrees.
Both of you notice the snow has started to come down outside. Over the course of a few silent minutes, it gets heavier and heavier—a soft hail, sheets of whispering white.
You’ve never been afraid to break the silence with him.
But maybe if you weren’t drunk you could keep your questions to yourself.
“How many snowflakes are we looking at?”
Spencer hesitates, drawn from some kind of hypnosis.
“Hard to be sure. Heavy snowfall like this could easily put us at six inches within the hour. In that case we’ve watched around point two inches fall. Visibility is probably reduced to about a quarter mile… point two inches across a square quarter mile is a hundred and seventeen thousand five hundred square feet of snow, average density of flakes at this temperature being about three kilograms per cubic foot of snow, and a snowflake weighs maybe… point zero zero zero zero zero two kilograms, so, roughly… very roughly… we’re looking at one hundred and forty two million snowflakes. That’s my best guess.”
You look up at him from where you’d been resting your head on his shoulder.
“You’re the coolest person ever.”
He blushes.
Tries to reply.
Looks back out the window and huffs a nervous laugh, like you’ve flustered him.
“Lots of people could do that. The math isn’t too complicated. It’s also probably wrong.”
A slow smile blossoms on your face.
“You’re never wrong. So… what percentage of infinity is a hundred and forty two million?”
“Uh… undefined,” he laughs, looking back down at you. “But… in tangible terms, which is inherently contradictory because infinity is completely intangible, and actually pretty meaningless to mathematicians—more of a philosophical concept than a numerical one… it is a very small fraction. It’s nothing.”
“I don’t want philosophical,” you murmur, reaching up to graze your knuckles along his cheekbone. “I want hard numbers.”
He catches your hand and holds the tips of your fingers to his lips as he thinks, watching hundreds of millions of snowflakes falling from the wide black heavens through narrowed eyes.
“A googol is written as a one followed by a hundred zeros, and a googolplex is a one followed by a googol of zeros. That’s the largest named number we have. It surpasses the estimated number of atoms in the universe. It’s too large to conceptualize. Mathematicians don’t really have any practical use for numbers above one trillion, but the largest number you’ll find in a dictionary and which might be formally accredited is a centillion, which is a one followed by three hundred and three zeros. It’s bigger than a googol but hardly a fraction of a googolplex. But—okay, we’re setting aside the conceptual numbers. What was your question?”
Your head spins as you laugh.
Too much gin. Too many IQ points.
“Infinity divided by, uh… the number of snowflakes I can see right now.”
The engine is still on—heat blows steadily, warming your arm through a coat and sweater, and whatever it can’t reach is warmed by Spencer.
“Right. Okay. Well—to put it into perspective, with snowflakes, you have around one septillion that fall each year. That’s twenty four zeros, so… a lot. Are you with me?”
“No.”
“Great. So, a hundred and forty two million is basically infinity.”
This earns a clumsy, drunken laugh from you, and he smiles like he’d been hoping for that.
It’s so warm in the cab of his car. It’s so warm under his gaze.
Outside, the snow continues to fall.
For each flake, there is a world where you and Spencer fall in love. And in the grand scheme of things, you’re not looking at very many.
In infinite universes, you’ll find each other. For eternity.
You’d be happy with just this one.
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