#how can anyone look this good wow
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i loveeeee that ppl can draw goodnite
#talkys#thje only good thing qbout constantly perceiving myself from The Outside is like#i draw in my sketchbook âĄïž i imagine someoneâ a non artistâ looking at my sketchbook#the kind of person that cant draw at all...whether they like my work or not#like wow i can do something they cant#wowâ how crazy to even be able to do dis. even if it is ugly. its insane that i or anyone can do it at any degree#i loves it#yoshi is going to eat me and turn me into an egg now gn
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just learned that people are like legitimately pissed that mackenyu buffed up for season 2 ???
#opla#mackenyu#mackenyu maeda#one piece live action#arata mackenyu#one piece#opla zoro#like there are ppl making jokes whatever whatever and then there are ppl that are quite literally clutching their pearls#add this to the list of times that the anime/manga fans said rude/unnecessary things about the opla actors and their bodies#for anyone confused: some other examples include asking whether or not emily would get a breast enhancement to be âmanga/anime accurateâ#and asking whether ilia would lose weight because alvida gets skinnier later in the manga/anime#<- she did but because idk whether she made the decision herself (either a personal choice or for the show) or not i'll just leave it there#(that sentence lowkey made no sense but hopefully y'all get the gist)#but anyway#they're basically talking about how it's a continuity error and he's only supposed to get bigger after the time skip#BRO THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE'S BODIES !!!#like yes they're playing fictional characters but without the help of prosthetics they're just going in with their actual faces and bodies#the fact that you thought someone who filmed the first season in 2022 would look the exact same in 2024 (especially muscle-wise) is insane#there is next to no way he could've made his muscles look the exact same way#even if he did the exact same workouts and ate the exact same foods and just did everything the same#IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS !!!#and bodies (and the way muscle builds on them) already fluctuates over the course of days weeks and months#IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT CAN CHANGE IN TWO YEARS !!!!#like this is actually ridiculous#i have nothing against one piece fans as a whole#but the fact that there are so many creeps and overall weird people who have no grasp of reality in this fandom is so...I DON'T EVEN KNOW#like who is gonna be watching season 2 going âwow that was so good but i wish that zoro was smaller it really took me out of the showâ ?!#LITERALLY WHO?????#i will just be sitting in my little bubble dreaming about zoro crushing my skull with his arms while y'all lose your minds
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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whshdfhfjf.,,,
#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur#look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly#because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..'#anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to#ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts#anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately#a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle#lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix#fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll.#and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material#mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent#a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...)#i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort#and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one#here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try#like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!!#the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still#they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1#of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but#thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where#you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the#competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even#even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!!#the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's#'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h#her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll#eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do'#they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's#it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe#adamandi
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what if. Amy âfix-itâ because hallucifer makes sam so paranoid about dean leaving for no reason that sam gives in and follows him and is witness to the whole thing
#hallucifer: wow. big brother really trusts us. (beat) so somethingâs up right? we know itâs never this easy.#sam: (visibly restraining himself from saying shut up. about to grab his scar.)#hallucifer: (aware heâs about to be banished) donât listen to me if you want but. Iâm just trying to help.#donât blame me if you look in the papers tomorrow and find a obit for your brain-eating girlfriend. and⊠what was her kidâs name again?#sam: (touching the scar. not pressing down. face all screwed up.) || hallucifer: :3 itâs not like itâll hurt anyone#if he really does trust you he doesnât even have to know weâre following him. *and* youâll know your brother still trusts you.#even when Iâm here. maybe he wonât even punch you again. that still hurting?#sam: (grimace. because yeah. it does.) || hallucifer: door number two - he thinks youâve lost it and heâs going to stab that woman to death.#so whatâs it gonna be Sam? ready to gamble your friendâs life on if Dean gives a shit about your opinion?#[and thatâs the point where sam goes to follow dean. still doesnât talk to Lucifer. not there yet. but oh hallucifer is sooo pleased with#himself about this. because heâs Sam. and he picks up on what Sam doesnât. and he could see all of Deanâs little giveaways that Sam was#turning a blind eye to. and now hereâs the perfect opportunity to put a wedge between them and get sam to trust him more <3)#GOD. FUCK. IM UPSET NOW. WHY WASNT HALLUCIFER IN THAT EPISODE. MOST OF THE EPISODES?#such a good fucking concept. squandered.#anyway. idk if sam saves Amy but he DEFINITELY hereâs Deanâs little speech to her about how she canât change.#hallucifer with faux sympathy like (sigh) damn. well. i always told you what he was like. Michael. Michael-sword. no difference.#both of them want us dead the moment we step out of line.#and Sam just frozen there in horror with Luciferâs voice sinking in. and he believes him. how can he not. with dean proving him right#hallucifer#spn#sam winchester#amy pond
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I love ye olde nicknames where it's either something genuinely cool like "The Universal Spider" or "The Last Knight" or "Heart of Steel," but there's an equal or even greater amount of boring ass ones like "Jakob the Rich" or "Philip the Handsome", like damn did you even try?
#okay tbf the spider guy was also called 'the prudent' and 'the cunning'#but the fact he was such a scheming asshole that he got called a spider is so good#the book i was reading called him the spider king đđ#i mean. fair. that guy was an asshole#its funny cause theyre all pretty straightforwardly descriptive#like you can infer a lot abt the people based on that#but 'jakob the rich' killed me. like you KNOW you gotta be rich if that's the thing they chose to describe you#<- his networth was apparently $400 billion by todays standards so#'the rich' you shall be sir!#okay but philip the handsome makes me die every time i think abt him#i was in vienna looking at a portait of his father my boy kaiser max aka the last knight#and it said smth like 'vater des philip de schone' (i cant remember dont bully me)#im like wow! the Handsome! this gut must be pretty handsome#ugliest man ive ever seen.#but in the history book i was reading in his section they kept saying how much of a ladies man he was#ik its true but man. it does not track even remotely by modern standards đđđ#ahhhhh anyways history is the only thing making me happy rn so#hope anyone can appreciate these silly little anecdotes#i am having a lot of fun w this book i kinda wish i took notes#catie.rambling.txt
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lmaoooooo im clearing out a shit ton of like junk photos and screenshots bc my google storage is full and wow
#LMAO there was uh a Period Of Time where i was screenshotting entire convos so my mom could read them#so my mom could confirm for me that it was not in fact me who was losing my mind#like it reached a point i was like crowd surfing live convos bc the other wide was so fucking crazy i was like yall be honest wtf is happeni#it was literally me asking people like read this convo tell me am i losing my mind or is this CRAZY and it was always no this is crazy fr đ#and i just reread one of them and holy GOD i cannot believe i put up with that shit that was CRAZY#oh my god if someone talked that way to me now...#i was truly in HELL. i was in the pits oh my god and i just took it. bc i had to. and OHHH WOW#thank god that is in the pastđđđ#what a reminder of how truly insane and horrible that all was i mean GODDAMN#in hindsight it was actually WORSE than i admitted to myself in the moment#SCREAM#AND LIFE GOES ON!!!!!!!!! it always goes on!! so just survive it!! bc one day you will look back and laugh#god ive been reading them all and it is actually upsetting. reliving trauma fr like WOW. oh my god#im glad i kept these though. bc now 2 years later im fully myself again and i can SEE IT. for what it was. and WOW. just wow. W O W#what a measure of the healing and growing ive done though truly bc i would NEVER let anyone treat me that badly ever again yk#LIFE!!! MOVES!!!!! ON!!!!!!!!!!#i truly feel. lighter oddly reading this all now too. bc it's... validating tbh. like yeah i was Not the problem lmfao holy fucking shit#it is SO clear in hindsight. and everyone was trying to tell me. but i couldnt see a way out so i pushed it aside#but everyone knew and everyone was right like WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW#and it's closed now. the chapter. it's tbh Been Closed but like closed in a final way now#now that ive reread it all and been like yeah. Fuck that. i survived that. and never again! and it's Done for good đ«¶đ»đ«¶đ»đ«¶đ»
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Digimon Adventure {Franchise} + Digimon Adventure 02: The Beginning {Movie} ~ 2012!TAICHI YAGAMI & (Ramen chef)!Daisuke Motomiya Serving (as Friendly)! [+bonus Vmon!] {DigiGift! (Official Art) From HERE} {"DigiGift" was a series of official revival artworks originally released one at a time on/around the 1st of every month featuring various characters from various Digimon anime!} April 2024's calender image was the very first featuring Taichi Yagami's full design from "The Beginning" film in near-full outside of being seen in initial previewed clips of the 1st minutes of the film!
Though it's not clear if this kind of scene would take place during or after the film, one can imagine where it might be placed in context with the later story! ("The Beginning" canonically takes place in 2012; Taichi's age should be around 22~ by Kizuna, and, 23-going-on-24 by "The Beginning"'s timeline!) Daisuke, who is always listed canonically as 2~ years younger exactly with no variation, should be around 21-going-on-22!)
I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT DAISUKE+02 CHOSEN WOULD SERIOUSLY """KEEP HATING""" ADV CHOSEN GROUP LONGTERM + OFFICIALLY EVER AGAIN
#taisuke friendship#taichi and daisuke#2012 taichi#2012 daisuke#koushirouizumi posts#koushirouizumi advs#koushirouizumi the beginning#koushirouizumi 02#the beginning spoiler#the beginning spoilers#ambassador taichi#ramen chef daisuke#(Lead Up To It Anyway)#(YELLS I SERIOUSLY NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM ANYONE HERE EVER AGAIN IDEC IF YOU LURKED ME BEFORE +FOR 02 STUFF)#(***NEVER BRING IT UP TO ME LIKE THAT EVEN SEMI SERIOUSLY EVER AGAIN*** OR IM POINTING STRAIGHT TO THIS)#(OK BUT DIGIGIFT IS CONTINUING THIS IS GOOD I MAY GET NEW KOUSHIRO SOMEDAY----)#(I will make it rbable LATER but for now yEAH Tryin to prevent Apr 1st confusion!!!!)#({I can easily see people mistaking this one to be a new series announcement or confirmation without DigiGift context})#(wOW LOOK ITS FUTURE DAISUKE AND TAICHI HOW I ALWAYS IMAGINED THEYD BE NEAR EACH OTHER I)#(*CANT BELIEVE THEYRE FRIENDLY* A N Y W A YYYYY)#i love being right
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âITâS OKAY HUMAN! YOU HAVE BEEN SO BUSY FACING NEW CHALLENGES AND OVERCOMING DIFFICULTIES. THERE WERE SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO GIVE UP OR NOT TRY BUT YOU PERSISTED AND STAYED DETERMINED. LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED! DONâT JUST BRUSH IT UNDER THE RUG, SILLY HUMAN. EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS WERE STEPS TOWARDS BIGGER THINGS AND YOU SOMETIMES EVEN MANAGED TO MAKE GRAND LEAPS FORWARD, IT LOOKED REALLY COOL WHEN YOU DID THAT, NYEH HEH HEH! SO PLEASE, REMEMBER TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS. YOU HAVE BEEN SO STRONG IN WAYS THAT MAY NOT SEEM OBVIOUS BUT CAN BE IN THE MOST IMPORTANT WAYS. CANâT YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? SEE WHY I AM SO PROUD OF YOU?â
Sometimes I get really sad that my spark of creativity has left me again. I know it will come back and it may be in a different form or medium but still, I miss it. Havenât been able to enjoy Undertale or the fandom like I used to, makes me feel like Iâve abandoned something I cherished so deeply. All of it still holds a special place in my heart, I just canât access the same passion I used to have. Though, I canât help but get a little emotional imagining what Papyrus would say if I apologized for being gone for so long and that it still might be a while until I return.
#vent#my art#papyrus#uuuggghhhh listening to undertale music while I write this is just getting me more emotional#dangit papyrus why you gotta help me see myself in a better light dangit#the other day i saw a post about how self shipping was a form of loving yourself and UGGGGH#that hit me right in the heart because⊠wow⊠man⊠i never looked it at that way and i guess yeahâŠ#i want to see myself the way i imagine papyrus would#its like something doesnt allow that when its just me. my self doubt would creep in⊠drowning out the positive thoughts#then i just shift. i escape into fantasy and imagine a happiness i think is impossible#to be seen and loved and its funny how a shift in perspective can let you imagine that possiblity#the possibility that you are lovable. that you are wonderful. capable. strong. kind. so full of potential.#Others could possibly say this but it just hits home how very important it is that I see these qualities in myself.#That I learn to love myself and acknowledge all the good that there is on my own#anyways⊠for anyone still reading. Thank you for hearing me out#Remember you are deserving of love. Always. And I hope you can see all the wonderful things about yourself that there is to appreciate
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anybody else like. dislike the concept of putting the ways youre privileged in your bio in general
#was considering following someone and their bio said 'white american living on indigenous land complicit in genocide'#and its like. dude#that feels like youre just putting a big big flag that says 'LOOK AT ME IM A GOOD WHITE PERSON WHO KNOWS MY PLACE' like#i feel like if youre actually ~one of the good ones~ that should just like. be evident in how you conduct yourself no?#like i dont wanna lend credence to the idea of virtue signalling but. i mean thats literally what that is jabdksbd#thinking abt how every discourse major and minor ive been through has hit some for of 'you MUST put your axis of privilege#in your bio so (oppressed group) can quickly tell if youre speaking over them' and 100% of the time it actually meant#'so (oppressed group) can quickly tell if they can talk over you'#see again that one bnha server that melted down and the ppl who caused the issues were demanding to know everyones ethnicity#and then would aggressively shout at anyone who said white that they werent allowed to talk literally at all#and its like. no youre just using that as an excuse to force people to let you yell at them hello??#insert something here about that post going around saying 'you must have tma or tme in your bio'#like wow yeah no thank you if you want to yell at me you can do so based on the things i say:)#origibberish
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thank you so much for sharing your process/lineart/and just in general. i've been watching your vods on youtube and it's rlly inspiring and satisfying to watch...godspeed!
it's no problem at all! and I'm very glad you enjoy the VODs haha, they're really the best way to see how I go about anything! including the pixel-pushing and repeatedly redrawing the same line lol
#bakuspeeck#ask#tbh Im just always a bit embarrassed by how many hours of absolutely unscripted words said in my voice there are#my art stuff aside. truly how do u guys sit through That#fskjdfhd sometimes u can really tell I don't speak english in real life#tbh even with the video Im wrestling with I do think the streams are good Specifically for the#kinda rough parts. like theyre the most realistic estimation of my actual drawing speed lol#the video just so that it can actually be followed has to be edited. once again I'll try my best. but its a video#you dont get to see me spamming undo and turning the canvas like a pinwheel in a video. ideally#but those are crucial steps. to drawing#its a bit of why I try streaming. Im a staunch believer in being the worst anyone has ever done it#so people can look at me and say wow. theyre doing absolutely kindergarten shit. maybe drawing isnt a miracle art#its just grit and sweat babeyy! annoying and tedious sometimes. but always can be done#holds ur hand. lets draw ok? a whole world awaits us
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good moment
#ramblies#some little good things happened over the last couple days and im finally feeling it#like just.... WOW i dont know why i worry so much. a moment of clarity without the self doubt and im realizing just how good it can be#i need to be kinder to myself i think. i dont know why im so cruel like ooooghghgh im so overbearing but also i dont give enough#ooogoghg im so fucking average ooggh im living a big grand mistake and everyone will see through my supposed 'facade'#(like girl what facade. ur not even acting. what fucking facade. ur exactly as it says on the tin. you know this. they know this.)#like bitch shut the fuck up!!!! shut up!!!! everyone fucking cares about you!!!!! the sun is fucking shining!!!!!!#god i feel so undeserving at times and yet whenever im not desperately grasping the warmth just falls into my lap#like what on earth... i wasnt even asking and yet youre all here. how did i get here. why do i suddenly feel worthy.#i know it wont last but thats okay i always look for this feeling in the mundane things... good to know it can catch up to me like this!!#ill probably delete this later this is embarrassing but i just need to shout from my soapbox a little bit#i feel weird about talking to anyone specifically about this. woe. positive vent upon ye.
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Holy shit I'm gonna fucking die this is so good
Long hair wyll? Ponytail? Or just hairstyles you think could be fun for him. Love how you draw him!!
Thank you! Iâve always imagined him with twists. He could pull off anything, though.
#holy moly#hes so#wow#im in love i think#this is so#his beauty transcends space and time#i love him#need him to hug#me#going feral#im going insane#this is actually insane#how can anyone look this good#im gonna dream about him#op just know you've made my life infinitely better#thank you#so so much
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When I was working at the sex shop I was pulling poverty wages. I loved my job but I was on food stamps and still barely getting by. When they hired the stores first male employee and he started at my pay rate after Iâd been there for three years I quit.
I was initially really nervous when I saw the post for the mattress job. It listed a pay scale that I couldnât even conceptualize and I appeared qualified. When I got an interview I was over the moon but also petrified. Reactions to my line of work often varied but most people were very embarrassed or skeptical. I worried about how Iâd address it in the actual interview.
I lived far to the north of their headquarters and drove almost two hours to get there. When I finally arrived it was in the nicest thrift store clothes I could find, but I shrank inside to see a room full of older white men in nice suits waiting to be interviewed for the same job.
Why did I bother? I was decades younger than anyone else in the room, shabbily dressed, and I suspected I was the only afab person in the entire building. I stewed in my insecurities until I was called in.
The second I met my interviewer I was instantly put at ease. The man had the energy of a therapy dog, he was abound with positive, good natured energy. He was also incredibly beautiful. I grinned back at his welcoming smile as we said our pleasantries. But still. This very beautiful polished man seemed very innocent. How would the sex shop question go?
âI see here you worked at STORE?â
âYes,â I said hesitantly.
âAnd that was sales? Or you just rang people up.â
âNo, it was sales. Iâd help people find products, we were encouraged to upsell, there was sales spiffs, and most importantly we educated customers on products to help them find what they liked best.â
He grinned approvingly and asked, âCan you give me an example of a time you successfully upsold a customer?â
I paused, wringing my hands before I asked, âHow vague would you like me to beâŠ?â
âNot at all!â He assured me. âGo for it!â
âWell. A man came in looking for something to make his fingers vibrate so when he was touching his wife it would enhance that sensation. We had cheap $10 cockrings that I showed him first. But we had a rechargeable waterproof one made of nicer material, and after I showed him a demo he bought that one.â
âHow much was that one?â
â$110â
âWow! You had an upsell of 100% from what he came in looking for! Thatâs incredible!â
He was so truly genuinely stoked and not at all embarrassed that for the first time I saw a tiny glimmer of a future where I didnât have ramen and peanut butter tiding me over between paychecks.
He asked me to wait then came back to tell me he liked me so much that he wanted to send me right into another interview, if that was okay. He didnât want me to have to drive back later, it was terribly considerate and exciting. I beamed and told him it would be lovely.
I then had the second worst interview Iâve ever had. The worst goes to the time I applied to be a store manager for a pet food place years later. The district and store manager interviewing me passed notes and texted while I was speaking. When the district manager called to inform me I didnât get the job I told him Iâd never have accepted anyway because Iâd never had such a disrespectful interview.
The new man sitting behind the desk radiated an aura of a brick wall. As someone with anxiety Iâm highly keyed into the emotional states of people Iâm talking to. To receive no feedback at all was my personal hell. After a perfunctory greeting he asked me with no inflection to sell him a pen.
I gathered the shreds of my courage and attempted the Herculean task heâd set me. Through my whole improvised spiel he resisted all attempts at engaging him, regarding me with a cold apathy as I touted the benefits of my fictitious pen.
Halfway through I broke into a cold sweat. My smile didnât waver but it grew strained as I projected friendliness and warmth into the black hole of his heart. My thoughts scattered and my sales pitch grew redundant in the face of his nothingness. I finally concluded with a hard close and he simply nodded.
He glanced at my resume and commented, âYou didnât ask me to touch or hold it. Though I suppose I can understand from your previous line of work why you wouldnât.â I shriveled and died inside knowing that I encouraged people to touch dildos all day long and had been too frazzled to offer him the pen.
He bid me a cool farewell. I made it to my car before I started sobbing. I had never been so rattled. I couldnât understand what Iâd done to make him so unfriendly or if my threadbare clothes were what had made him treat me like dirt. I drove an hour and a half to get home, weeping intermittently.
I was therefore taken by complete surprise to receive a call the next day inviting me on board for their five week training program. The first man whoâd interviewed me gushed on the phone about how the second guy had loved me and that I was going to be fantastic.
I was in shock. When I showed up to training the second interviewer was charming my new classmates, beaming and laughing. He was an utterly different person. To my dismay I learned he was the trainer for my district and would be my point of contact if I made it through training.
He joked with me later that his interview facade was just a tactic to see how people held up under pressure and I filed him into a category of my deepest enmity. I never forgave him for how small he made me feel that day, but I never showed him the depths of my fury.
I aced every test and went on to be valedictorian of the eight people who had survived the rigorous training process to earn a sales position. When I got my first paycheck I bought myself new clothes, the first non-thrifted things Iâd owned in years.
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hi again been a bit... uhhh why'd I wanna make this again? oh right talking about random shit. I do wanna get back into some things I left off with some friends of mine, but due to being me and it being a very hard existence things didnt go as planned and I kinda dropped it and lost interest.... which really sucks cause I have so many ideas for where I wanted to take my story ( working on a kirby au of sorts havent sorted out through the entire thing cause my brain doesnt wanna work with me :/ ) that I wanted to actually bring into existence instead of it all just being in my head or a rough draft. maybe I can push myself into gaining interest again by actually working on it again. what I had orginally thought up is no longer what I wanna go with so new things are hard to come up with. off topic from that I have so many fucking games I need to get back to and the game list keeps getting bigger and bigger its gonna drown me at some point :( whyyyyy do I keep doing this to myself.... doom I'm dooming myself this is what I'm doing. and cause I'm me I'm def gonna be forgetting that I made this post in the first place! dont you love being this mess of a person? isnt this FUN?!
#astralsys.tx#fronting astral: k#check dni /srs#the answer is no#I hate this so much#every time I think about how my life is goddamn awful I'm just fucking thinking about all the fakers ik in my life#if they fucking saw me and lived this life they would kts#clearly dont understand how this disorder works LOL#you all just think its âmpdâ and all fun and dandy dontcha#even the personal fakers ik dont understand how this disorder works either I just wanted to fucking scream at them#and tell them their âcaseâ is not real and they're being fictitious that this is imitative d.i.d. you're doing this on purpose#no you are not a minor discovered âd.i.d. systemâ who is âfictive heavyâ with an obsurd number of âalters / headmatesâ actually stfu die#I just wanna slap them with sources of researchers of actual fakers and show them make them look in the fucking mirror#THIS IS YOU DO YOU NOT SEE YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR ARE YOU NOT LOOKING AT YOURSELF CLEARLY?!#even if I did that they STILL wouldnt back down and claim to my fucking face that they âsufferâ from âd.i.d.â#yeah sure you fucking do with your 73pk+ which most of them are âintroject fictivesâ from either your âHF / SPINâ or new media#and you act like youre rp'ing as them whenever they're brought up in convo and self dx'es with âosdd-1bâ 1st and said you've done âresearch#clearly not good research if you didnt figure out that âosdd1b / osdd1aâ are âcommunity termsâ and not actual dx'es also claimed self dx'ed#asd adhd anxiety depression & ofc âd.i.d.â. the other 2 are even worse all 3 of them âdiscovered they were systemsâ when they were minors#12pk rn but that number kept changing said 51 now 39 30 -> 42 -> 13 -> 12 yeah no way this is fucking real are you fucking kidding me?#all of them but ONE was a non âintroject alterâ yeah get fucking real buddy not even in active med help and your âmemberâ count went down?#fuck off and then the last one's number keeps rising and rising this is like the worst one thats actually just screaming fake to my face#wow omfg 100pk now it was not like that a couple days ago you have got to be actually kidding me are you seeing yourself like actually rn#and ofc all of them are âintrojectsâ from fucking somewhere and from very recent media too cause ofc it is cant even pretend right can you?#I cant with these fucking people man do you really think you can bullshit me like this to my fucking face with this shit do you honestly#think ANYONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES YOU#ALL THREE OF YOU ARE THE WORST PEOPLE YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD TO ME#ok thats enough ranting out of me I'm just fucking sick of you people#get off the fucking internet#| âšđ«
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my life would be so much better with a 2nd non-bathroom room and a bunny rabbit
#bnuny thoughts#i think im getting burnt out on splatoon and it's making me sad#idk what else to do i wish i could pursue my hobbies but without space or meds i can't muster the strength i need#also i tried looking for a job today and wow. you even need a food certification to be paid minimum wage??#i just can't deal with this shit at all still#job hunting irl doesnt work and neither does online#too many barriers to entry for the simplest of things#i don't understand how anyone functions under these conditions#im not good enough at anything to be paid for it i guess#this system thinks i should die i guess#food is taking up all my extra money nowadays#and im still running out of food stamps#im eating 2 cups of ramen a day ($3 each) because i keep gagging on the $1 maruchan cups of ramen#i ordered a copious amount of noodles on amazon hoping to keep my food costs strictly on my EBT this month#trying to go out by myself as little as possible so that I can afford to be able to *insert literally anything that isn't play video games*#im so so deeply tired of video games i wish i could experience the wonders of life and reality but that costs money each time#video games cost money 1 time and can be played over and over again#sometimes they dont even cost money#but a drink that isn't prepackaged costs at least $5#and food is even more than that#and no loitering because everything is actually private property#and also i feel extremely uncomfortable in public places like parks because strangers have always been hostile to me (in georgia)#and i have not had any experiences that conflict with that trend as i avoid public spaces (which is easy because you have to seek them out)#i want to be in one but i won't feel comfortable because i will feel like i don't belong#also i wouldnt know what to do#and anything like âdaydreamingâ or ârelaxingâ would probably result in my dazed ass accidentally staring at someone for too long#i just don't know how to deal with such an intense fear#at least not by myself
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