#how are you falling for each other like this you have essentially the same conversations over and over

[teotheratking]

ABOUT JEAN: The monthly discourse

Damn and I thought we were past monthly Jean discourse, y'all are quite off schedule this time.

I do think it's funny how Jean-Heron Vicquemare continues to be The Public Enigma with what could be equivalent of 5 minutes of screen time. All of his appearances can be put into 3 groups: worrying/searching for Harry, watching over Harry, spending 45 minutes on insulting him. So it only makes sense how his discourse as well is surrounded by conversation, what is his relationship with Harry? Him being Harry's Satellite officer is like another added layer to how his whole existence seems in a constant orbit around the center of the Earth - Harrier Du Bois.

When discussing both of these characters I think it is crucial to strip them down layer by layer. When we're doing this Harry and Jean, I think we see far too quickly, how similar they are even with many differences: both are addicts, depressed, having facial scarrings and, of course, both are cops.

When looking at them from purely 'superior and subordinate perspective, they remind me of Robert Eggers script from The Lighthouse (2019) particularly this bit:

The Lighthouse explores the themes of capitalism and perpetual cycles of new and old generations: Young and Old.

We can see similar themes explored in DE as well. The game isn't afraid of constantly putting the players head into the mud, saying: "Yeah, it is that shit." RCM is a constantly moving system that lures people in with the promise of help for community and spits out a hollow husk of their former selves. Though I would say it doesnt do that either as most of them die before ever reaching retirement age.

Harry is surrounded by old dog imagery.

Particularly dogs that are about to be put down or are already dead. I particularly love this segment of the game with Joyce - it is clear that in this segment the black dog licking his wound is Harry, who's getting put down by the system he works in. But what I think makes the scene even better is what follows it:

Every officer's fate in RCM is the same.

It's the years of violence, brutality, system that eats those, who help and enables those, who hurt. It's speed, alcohol, never ending poverty, and as years go by another officer is closer and closer to finally pull the trigger on the old dog that you have become.

One final act in the Disco Inferno.

And there's inescapable horror in all of this: seeing what you will become, what you're bound to become. Looking in the mirror and staring at your partner's reflection - ever present reminder: "This will be you in 10 years to come."

When Jean says "trying," what he actually means is "functional." Having context of RCM system and inherent ableism of it, I think it's safe to say, that "to try" means "to succeed."

Jean isn't anymore functional than Harry as he is simply younger. Harry through entirety of the game is experiencing raining bonefire of decades of drug abuse and effects of poverty and long lasting emotional physical abuse. Meanwhile, Jean is yet to experience the crashing sun. He has 10 years to do so.

In perpetual vortex that is this sinking ship, partnership and comradery, become essentials for survival. Harry and Jean form particularly tight bond, tight enough that both can't evade speculations about their sexuality or type of relationship they have, thus "hetero-sexual life partners" are born.

I see a lot of people insisting, that those two relationship, that they had is what we can see right now in the game: partnership that feels more like a race of self destruction, while putting sticks in each other's metaphorical bicycles. To see which one falls first. But I feel this is complete controdictory to what we hear from the game:

"Trouble in paradise" - I wouldn't use those words if my two coworkers, who try to sabotage each other on the daily would finally get into all consuming fight. Though what do I know about male-centric workplace humour.

No matter, which way you choose to look at it, at the events of Disco Elysium, Jean's and Harry's relationship is at their absolute worst. Rock bottom. Maybe even beyond it, though that depends how one evaluates forgetting 44 years of your life except lost ex goes into equation. What we see is culmination of their every moment together - good and bad, which erupts into terrible earthquake.

Finally, what we see of Jean and Harry's relationship is supposed to be merely introduction, or at least was (Kurwitz pls, let me read the scripts). By small bits and pieces Luiga has decided to reveal to the public is that Jean is supposed to be one of main partners of the second game featuring The Return.

This doesn't deny Jean's role as The Jury or The Executioner in the Final Tribunal. He represents RCM's bigotry, ableism and hypocrisy of it all - a broken system of a destructive cycle - ouroboros eating it's own tail. However at the end of the day he's as much a person as any other in Elysium - full of complexity and nuance, the verdict of we simply do not have enough information of.

Finally at the end of this... I don't know what to even call this, I have no idea how one would arrive to concrete conclusion, that is either: "Jean good' or "Jean bad." All game's characters are some kind of moraly grey - this isn't a MARVEL movie or a fairy tale that people want it to be. It is a commentary of cultures that we all have grown up in. For me DE really resonates from Baltic States history and culture context, because this is all I've ever known.

[eisthenameofme]

i wonder if there's the potential for a solution to the doxxing fucking over marginalized people specifically thing and/or the some people only being able/knowing where to engage with community online thing if we we were able to like. weaponize the relative lack of actual anonymity in the opposite direction.

like for one thing, instead of doxxing just resulting in problems from others in person, using that information to actively support the person instead, and for another for the other potentially more targeted use of the internet to find people to engage with in person (although that one you'd have to be even more careful about in case it worked in the opposite direction. I'm just thinking it would be nice to have something more structured/widespread than happening to find out your internet friends are in your local area, that could potentially be used to circumvent people not meeting in third spaces/other issues people have initially finding local community in person.)

It would be nice if instead of exclusively finding offline solutions/telling people how to be more careful we could also use what's often part of the problem to our advantage when it does happen. Like, having a way to address it that isn't only preventative.

[autumnrory]

i virtually always finish a fic even if i'm not that into it because it's like well it's got tropes i like or i just wanna know how it ends or whatever like it's gotta be really egregious for me to exit out and based on (some of) the tags and the summary i thought i would like this one and i was so happy to have a big huge fic to read but i ended up just reading the first part of 100k and one of the one shots and then i was just like. there's a couple more one shots and another 100k of a sequel and it's gonna be exactly the same so i was just like yeah i don't have to do this

sometimes i don't understand something having so many kudos but this one was especially like??? some of the writing was technically good with descriptions and all but the dialogue, not so much. it's the same exchanges over and over (like jesus no wonder this is altogether 250k when you just rehash the same shit over and over) where steve is just like "you're so perfect for me, i'd do anything for you" which sure is technically accurate to how steve is about bucky but like they barely knew each other in this fic and even with the honeymoon phase, even with them both coming from shitty relationships and both knowing that they want, it's not gonna be seamless with getting together and communicating and easily being on the same wavelength like people in a long term relationship. and like. it wasn't completely gross as some but it was the kind of daddy kink that leans towards infantilizing and i'm just like it is so not sexy to talk to your partner like a child or a pet sdkjfjks i hate it but not only that but also like EVERY side character talking about bucky the way fandom does which like sure, i agree, he is sweet and adorable, but i think it's weird to have everyone going on about an adult like that, like i'm not gonna be mad if my friends say i'm adorable but if my partner's friends kept doing that i'd be like hiiiii i'm not a fucking doll i'm a human being it was just. weird. as if everyone sees bucky as a "little boy" not just steve when they're in bed ksjdfjks

and all the side characters just kind of acted the exact same and there wasn't much to differentiate them. and like i believe people are good and all but everyone rallies around bucky and acts like they've been friends for years and they know him even less than steve does AND steve told people about bucky's abusive stalker ex without permission and i was just like mmmm it's up to him if people know about that lol like he should not have gotten others involved, it would be different to go to bucky's friends for support bc they know the situation but steve's friends did not need to know all that unless bucky wanted to tell them so that bugged me but steve was still basically framed as being completely flawless which hey steve is my fave and i won't hear criticisms of him but even i found it overdone like he can be an overall good person and still make mistakes but that didn't happen here

and then it was just like cartoon villain-y especially with sharon which as i've said pissed me off bc she's put with the likes of rumlow and pierce but it was like oh my god the mcu villains are more compelling in their behavior than this which is saying something bc i think the mcu had interesting villains only a couple times tbh literally she had a "you ruined everything!" moment bc her plan didn't work it was so utterly ridiculous

anyway like i complain about a lot of things i read but this was ultimately just......so boring and irritating in the end so i was just like hey reading the main story is enough to see everything resolved which is all i really need

[xinganhao]

👓 svt with a 'nerd' partner.

anon → "can you do one where their partner is a big nerd?"

⌗ ┆debated for the longest time about the differences between nerd/geek/dork, so this is a bit of everything ( `ω´ )۶! (p.s.: love how the hc's turned out for this one >_<)

‧₊˚✩彡 includes: established relationship, pet names, fluff, cussing, headcanons under the cut.

👓 headcanons .ᐟ

you're rambling again. seungcheol watches, entranced, at the way your eyes light up as you talk about your tabletop games. the way your hands move as you explain things. when you notice him staring, you trail off. he immediately snaps out of his quiet awe to reach for your hand across the dining table. "why'd you stop?" he asks in a soft whine, jutting his lower lip out in a mock pout. "you were getting to the good part about the cleric and the rogue. don't leave me hanging, love." (or: seungcheol always pays attention.)

there's a look of mild exasperation on jeonghan's face as he watches you scroll excitedly through his latest fansign photos. you point out all the characters that are familiar to you, and you get just a little too excited when he's borderline cosplaying. he pretends to be annoyed about it, even though the truth is that he'd play dress up all day long to see you smile like this. "really," he huffs all the same, prying his phone out of your hands. "if i knew this was all it would take for you to fall in love with me…" (or: jeonghan indulges you.)

every time he travels, joshua visits a bookshop. not those chain stores, either. he goes for the obscure ones that sells secondhand, well-loved novels. the types that are a little beaten up and worn around the edges. he'll spend hours looking through the shelves for covers that he thinks are pretty, or descriptions that match the genres you always rave about. it's his little joy, to come home after all these international stops with his arms full of books. "these reminded me of you," he'll say as he holds them out to you. (or: joshua remembers you everywhere he goes.)

a bead of sweat trickles down junhui's temple as he battles with yet another stubborn screw. you've long since given up on trying to help him; he wasn't about to let you lift a finger in this endeavor. he grumbles little complaints as he assembles the overpriced IKEA shelf, but all of it is worth it when you start to stack your things on to it with that sweet smile of yours. he knows he ought to stop putting himself in to these situations. he also knows he'll assemble a hundred pieces of furniture if it meant that you could have what you want. (or: junhui enables you.)

soonyoung really couldn't give a damn about the planetarium. he'd much rather have date night at something more exciting. an amusement park. a concept restaurant. but there's just something so special about getting to walk alongside you at a leisurely pace, to have you whisper to him little fun facts about the projected stars and the styrofoam planets. he knows they're only versions of the real thing. it's just… the way you explain them make it seem like they're just right there. he knows he can't really reach for the stars, so he settles for the next best thing. he goes to hold your hand. (or: you remind soonyoung to take it easy.)

mid-game conversations with wonwoo are punctuated mostly with quick jabs, typed out in between lulls. it's a last resort type of thing. most of the time, the two of you are playing with audio. or, better yet, in the same room as each other. there's something liberating in how he doesn't have to reel anything in when it's you, because you know how these matches go. you speak his language, essentially. and whenever he says "one more game?", he knows you're already not too far behind in rejoining the lobby. (or: wonwoo lives to be your player two.)

sometimes, you're so quiet that jihoon forgets you're there. he'll only remember when he tears his gaze away from his computer screen and his eyes land on the studio couch, where you're sprawled out doing whatever your hobby of the month is. it always makes him melt a bit. the way the two of you are just content to co-exist, happy to be in each other's orbit. when he turns back to produce, he goes at it with a renewed purpose. he's got such good inspiration, after all. (or: loving you never feels like work to jihoon.)

mingyu was never the sulky type— until he met you, that is. it's a bit embarrassing, how much of a fool you have him acting like. because what do you mean kim mingyu is jealous of 2d characters? when you return after abandoning him for the latest chapter or the newest episode, he'll consistently act all off-put even though he's sooner to crack than you are. "your anime boys don't love you like i do," he insists, trying his best not to laugh at how silly he sounds to himself. "i'm the real thing, babe." (or: mingyu is a bit of a glutton for your attention.)

it's difficult to be anything but in love with seokmin, especially when he's so sincere in everything that he does. even after he accidentally knocked over the millenium falcon lego set it took you months to build, he's so endearing in his attempts to make amends. he'll spend hours poring over the instructions booklet, and he'll sort through the seven thousand pieces until his eyes are bleary. even then, he shakes his head when you say he should go to sleep. "i like spending time with you like this," he tells you, and you know he means it. (or: seokmin wants to give you the world.)

any other person might be annoyed as the hours tick by with no response. but minghao is not anything if not patient, and he's gotten quite used to losing you to the media that consumes you. if he's being honest, a part of him is probably in love with you because of that. it doesn't matter to him if you respond minutes or days late. all he cares about is that you always come back to him; that's more than enough. (or: minghao would wait lightyears for you.)

seungkwan sometimes feels like a big chunk of his early years were given up to get to where he is now, and so he didn't really have the time to like the things that other people his age normally might. when you came around with all the things that make you happy, though, he can't help but want the same thing for himself. so maybe he is a little betrayed that you watched the newest one piece episode without him, or that you beat all the gyms in pokémon scarlet & violet while he wasn't looking. can you blame him? (or: you are the youth that seungkwan missed out on.)

prior to meeting you, vernon could count on his two hands the instances wherein he's been extremely passionate about something. nowadays, he's always getting in to one petty debate or another about the best frank ocean album or the most insufferable f.r.i.e.n.d.s character. "you bring out the worst in me," he'll joke to you one evening. both of you know that it's the complete opposite. neither of you have to say it out loud, though. all you have to do is start bickering, again, about something that would have everyone else merely scratching their heads. (or: you keep vernon on his toes.)

chan isn't stupid. he's far from it, even. you're just— so smart. unbelievably so. he's not playing dumb or goading you when he's bombarding you with questions. he's genuinely astonished by the extent of your knowledge, the easiness of which you retain all these things. it's one thing to be proud of someone, and it's another to admire them. to look up to them. he feels all that for you and so much more. (or: of all the facts in the world, the one that chan is most certain about is this— he really, really does love you.)

[flemingsfreckles]

Physio’s Daughter pt 3

Jessie Fleming x Reader

Read part 1, and part 2

Warnings: some arguing, some cursing

WC: 3.2k

A/N: hi, I think this is going to have 1 more part, maybe 2 if I end up with enough writing for it.

“Am I really that bad of a flirt that you thought all those conversations we had were strictly professional?”

“What?” Sounding like a stuck record you repeat yourself. You couldn’t believe the sentence you had just heard come from Jessie’s mouth.

“Do your other coworkers offer you their jacket? And stay late to talk with you?” She’s staring at you like you’re an idiot, like you should have known she had a crush on you. She’s acting as if she was walking around with a sign with it spelled out for you and you were in the wrong for not knowing.

You’re skeptical, there was no way she was actually interested in you. Your Mom was right, you didn’t have a career yet, you were so much younger than her, you were her physio, she was a professional athlete with her whole life sorted out. Maybe this was a test, maybe your Mom had sent her in here to see what you would do. Maybe she was joking with you, maybe she knew you had a crush and she was teasing you. Seeing if she could make a fool of you. You’re so lost in your own thoughts you lose track of time.

“I’m going to go. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, pretend I didn’t.” Jessie’s soft voice breaks your mental spiral. She pushes her chair back starting to stand up.

“No, wait.” You put out a hand to stop her. “Sorry, I just, it's a lot to process.” You’re not sure what to say next, she sits back down and you both sit there looking at each other.

“Why didn’t you just say something before?” The question comes out of your mouth as nearly a whisper.

“Because like you, I've also been told it’s unprofessional to date a teammate, let alone a staff member, my whole life.” She adds a small sigh, her breath moving some of the hairs that had fallen in front of her face out of the way. “Plus I couldn’t tell if you were feeling the same. You spent a lot of time with me but I couldn’t tell if you were just doing your job or if you were too nervous to tell me to shut my mouth and leave you alone.”

“I was, I do feel the same, it’s just, it’s complicated.” You sigh, you know you’re about to open yourself to the complexity of having mutual feelings, when you both know you shouldn’t. “It’s just, this is my job and you’re Jessie Fleming.” Your hands gesture up and down her body. You notice a small blush come across her face. “Plus, like you I figured this is your job, you were forced to spend time with me, how was I supposed to know it was by choice? I’m just a student trainer, so I thought why would you have any interest in me when you can have anyone.”

“Because, in the best way possible, you treat me like I’m not Jessie Fleming.” She puts air quotes up when she says her own name. “You just treat me like a regular person. You ask about my family, you ask about my aspirations, you ask about my favorite places to visit and where I want to go. Most people ask me about soccer and sure it’s nice but what’s even nicer is not feeling like I have to be a professional athlete all the time for someone to be interested in me.”

Not sure what to say, you stand up to throw out your coffee cup that you had essentially chugged in the past few minutes using sips of the drink to calm your nerves. Instead of returning to your seat you take a place leaning against the wall, off to the side of Jessie, looking down at her as she remains in her seat. You were too restless to sit back down.

You let out a sigh as you let your back hit the wall. Conflicted between the two sides of the situation. You could tell her you can’t see her, tell her it’s unprofessional, inappropriate. Or you could tell her you want to try this. You let your head fall back gently against the wall, you shut your eyes trying to get a clear thought through your head. Your hands are balled into tight fists at your side, both out of nerves and frustration, unsure of what to do.

When you lower your head back down and open your eyes you come face to face with Jessie. While your brain was screaming between your choices she had abandoned her chair to stand in front of you. You jump a bit, startled by her presence.

“Hi.” Her smile is infectious, she says hello as if she’s just greeting you, as if she hadn’t just confessed to having feelings for you.

“Hi.” It’s a breathless response to her but you’re at a loss for any other words. You do exactly what you know you shouldn’t, you subtly ask her to kiss you, breaking your eye contact to look down at her lips, your own tongue coming out to wet your lips. By the time you go to make eye contact with her again she’s already moving in toward you.

Her lips are on yours, your brain is short circuiting, her body is gently pressed to yours, your back against the wall of your office. The kiss was gentle, her lips softly melting into yours, it couldn't have been more perfect. You could taste her coffee on her lips, as she could likely taste yours. She smelled sweet, her hair, not pulled back like usual, softly brushed against your cheek as if bounced from her forward movement. Your hands found themselves placed on her hips where you could feel her shirt was tucked into her joggers. You couldn’t tell if the kiss lasted 2 seconds or 20 minutes, your concept of time completely thrown by her actions.

“Hey we need you upstairs-” the door opens, the voice of your Mom coming through as she comes to grab you for an impromptu meeting. She was expecting to see you at your desk finishing paperwork, or just on your phone. Not expecting to see the team captain pinning her daughter to the wall of the office.

Jessie pulls away out of surprise, turning toward the door, taking a couple of steps back from you so your bodies are no longer up against each other. You do the same, only you’re against the wall and unable to back up from her, you stumble slightly as you try to move, cursing yourself for not previously locking the door. If she hadn’t already seen the two of you, from the way you scattered from each other it was obvious what you both had previously been doing.

“Are you kidding me?” Your Mom shouts. She’s only looking at you, not acknowledging Jessie’s presence. You knew she wasn’t going to yell at Jessie, but you knew you were about to wish you had called in sick today.

“I’m going to go.” Jessie mutters under her breath before awkwardly rushing to grab her coffee off your desk and passing around your Mom to leave, she doesn’t look back as she turns the corner.

You can’t bring yourself to look anywhere but your feet. You can feel the anger radiating off of your Mom.

“Sit down.” She instructs you, she’s talking through her teeth, pointing at your desk chair. You obey, keeping your head pointed at the floor. She stands across from you. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

You don’t know what to say or what to do besides sit unresponsive to her. Blinking rapidly you try to comprehend that Jessie had just kissed you, and also that your Mom had walked in seeing her kissing you.

“Fucking look at me when I’m talking to you.” Slowly lifting your eyes, your Mom is standing glaring, arms crossed, face red. “What the fuck are you doing? I just told you, you can’t be messing with her and you said there was nothing going on! Now I walk into her practically defiling you against the wall? So what, did you fucking lie to me before? You know how I feel about lying.”

“I didn’t lie before.” Lying was the one thing your Mom hated the most, you learned that as a kid. You didn’t lie to her, you didn’t lie to anyone, you were often honest to a fault. In this case it was the truth, or at least your truth, before it hadn’t crossed a completely unprofessional line, when your Mom had questioned you in the car, nothing had been going on. Now it had, you had kissed, that crossed the line into unprofessional.

“It’s one thing to have a little crush, you cannot be having sex in your work office.”

“Don’t be dramatic.” You couldn’t believe you had to be having this conversation with your Mom, you had hardly been able to wrap your brain around the fact that Jessie had feelings for you and that she had just kissed you. “It was just a kiss.”

“She had you against the wall. So help me god, if you fuck up this opportunity, I will be so pissed.” Her hands come down hard on your desk. You know that if Jessie or any other player was in the training room they’re hearing every word that she was screaming at you. “I’ve worked my ass off to get to where I am, and I was able to get you this job, if you mess up, it’ll come back on me!”

“I’m not going to fuck up this opportunity. You are so fixated on Jessie and I that you ignore all the good work I do! You don’t acknowledge that I’ve been helpful, that I was able to get Jessie back to playing, I help out the team, but you’re so fucking focused on my personal life you don’t see it! Mark sees it! He likes my work, he acknowledges me. He actually appreciates me, you don’t!” Now you’re yelling back, adding to your list of unprofessional actions today. You know you shouldn’t be yelling at her, she was looking out for you.

“I see the work you do but I’m not going to congratulate you when you clean up, that’s your job. But yes I’m focused on your inappropriate work relationship. I don’t want to see you ruin your life because you want to kiss a pretty girl.”

“She’s not going to ruin my life Mom.”

“She can. She’s the captain of this team. You realize that's a huge deal right? Do you know what it’ll look like if it came out that she was sleeping with the student on the training staff? That’ll ruin your future and tarnish her reputation.”

“I’m a student but I’m an adult mom, it’s not like I’m a 17 year old student. I’m an adult! I can make my own decisions.”

“Yes you’re an adult but this is work! You don’t get to make any choice you want, there are rules and paperwork and protocols you have to go through to do what you’re doing. It’s not as easy as the two of you deciding to make out. There are rules to protect you and to protect her, you two need to respect that. I have half a brain to drag her back in here and give her the same talk, but I won’t. You’re lucky I’m not up in Mark's office telling him to reconsider the offer you’ll be getting to take you to Paris with the team. You cannot be seeing her while you work on this team.”

“Okay.” Agreeing to your Mom’s statement but also not wanting to. You didn’t want to have to ignore Jessie again. You wanted to sit by her, talk with her, share smiles across the room, and you definitely were interested in kissing her more. But you also knew she was right, it was unprofessional, at least while you were still working for the team as a temporary student, regardless of age. There were policies, it was only right that you, and Jessie both follow them and odds are the Captain of the team isn’t about to go marching into the HR office to declare that she just made out with you in your office.

“Just so you know, I didn’t lie before. I promise, that was the first time.” Hoping it’ll ease your Mom’s anger a bit you try and explain the situation.

“Now, we’re both going to be late, thanks for that. We have a quick meeting upstairs.” She ignores your statement, and turns to leave. You follow her out of the room, thankful to see no one was in the training room and hopefully no one else had heard your screaming match.

When you walk into the conference room it’s both a mix of team and staff. You can feel Jessie’s eyes on you and your Mom as you both walk in. Even though no one knew what had just happened in your office, you couldn’t help but feel like somehow everyone knew. You could feel your cheeks turning red, taking a quick glance in Jessie’s direction she gives you a sympathetic smile.

You’re not even sure what the meeting was all about, talks of Paris, talks of getting enough sleep, talks of staying in communication with each other, all go in one ear out the other. It’s like a fog has covered your head, you’re unable to grasp anything being said by the coaching staff, by the training staff, by the players. After a couple of hours the meeting is dismissed. Everyone begins to clear out of the room. You stay sitting, drawing circles onto your notepad, not a single note from the meeting written down. A couple of the players say goodbye to you on their way out of the room, you give them a quick acknowledgment and well wishes, Jessie leaves without saying anything to you.

Mark makes his way over to you, placing his hand on the top of your pen, stopping your mindless scribbling.

“Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, I’ve got to help finish packing up but yes, I have a second.”

“I want you to come with the team to Paris. Is that something you’d be interested in? I understand it’s a large commitment, about two months of your time.”

“That would be incredible, I’d love the opportunity.” You’d get to travel, just like Jessie had said.

“That’s great, there’s some paperwork that’ll come with that, I’ll have the administration send it over for you to look at and sign. Since youlll be staying with us, I’d like you to continue your check-ins with Fleming. Keeping her up to date with the girls statuses as they have a few weeks away from camp. Is that something you can do?”

It takes everything in you to not immediately say yes, of course you wanted the excuse to talk to the girl but you shouldn’t, you know you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t be given the chance to have private conversations with her anymore.

“I can, I think it would maybe be beneficial to have someone more senior on the team involved though, just since I’ve never seen how things operate not in the camp setting.” Making the mature choice, you try to incorporate someone else into your chats to make them professional.

“That’s fine with me, I’ll check with some of the team and see who can help you out getting comfortable with that. We really appreciated your help at this camp, it was nice having you, a lot of the girls were appreciative of you too.”

“Thank you, Mark. I learned a lot. I’m looking forward to Paris.” You stand up and shake his hand before he heads out of the room. You grab your note pad tearing off the top page with scribbling across it and you toss it into the trash as you walk out of the conference room.

“Hey.” You hear and feel her as Jessie grabs your wrist. She had been waiting against the wall outside the door. Looking around nervously at who might see you two you shake your wrist from her grip.

She doesn’t even begin to talk before you start, “Jessie we can’t, what happened in my office cannot happen again.” You try and keep your voice low, not wanting to alert anyone around you.

“I know. I crossed a line, it won’t happen again. I’m sorry. I’m also really sorry your Mom saw and I’m really sorry for whatever happened after I walked out.”

“Just a lot of yelling.” You kick your left shoe with your right, feeling uncomfortable at the mix of tension and guilt sitting in the air between the two of you. “She was mad, especially after I told you what she had told me already.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, it’s on me. I’m the older person here, I’ve been around this team longer, I should know better. I can tell your Mom that, if that’ll help. I can tell her it was all me.”

“I’d maybe avoid her, if you can help it. She thinks you were trying to ‘defile’ me against the office wall. And naturally she isn’t too happy about walking in on that.” A small laugh escapes as you quote your Mom’s words back to Jessie. Now that the initial fear of your Mom’s wrath is gone you found slight humor in the situation.

“Oh no.” Jessie’s hand comes to cover her mouth and the blush on her cheeks spreads.

“Yeah. At least you’ll be able to avoid her for a couple weeks until preparation for Paris starts.” Trying to make light of the situation. You can see Jessie is still a little uneasy about it.

“I guess.”

A silence falls between the two of you. Both standing in the hallway looking at each other. Knowing you both wanted each other but also both knowing you couldn’t have each other.

“I should go, have some packing up to do.” You point in the direction of the stairs that lead to the training room.

“Okay, so are we friends?” She asks you. The question is so innocent but it tugs at your heartstrings. You want to be able to tell her you’re friends but you can’t.

“I mean, maybe just coworkers for now? We can figure out if friendship is an option later. Once this all settles.”

“Right, that’s smart. So I’ll see you at the next camp then?” You can tell she looks a bit upset at your answer, but she accepts it.

“See you then Jessie.” You turn from her, it felt sad leaving her, knowing it would be weeks before you saw her in person again.

“Bye.” You hear her shout after you as you turn to go down the staircase. Hearing her call after you makes a smile break across your face. You knew you’d see her soon but you knew it wouldn’t feel nearly soon enough.

[fivelasanctum]

Everything is real

S03 ep.07 and S04 ep.06 parallel: Been doing my rewatch of the series and noticed this gem inside Lila's psyche when she was talking to Allison being reminiscent of her yelling that her and five's life in the alternate timelines wasn't real. A blatant contradiction to what she mentioned here. "This isn't real Five! None of this is real!" -Lila S04 ep.05 Events when time travelling are real and still impact you, just can happen quickly and feel like a whirlwind. She also goes to mention to have something or someone to focus on to essentially keep you sane and grounded.

Five comes in right after they have this conversation, zooming in on him as he came to fetch them for the plan. Hmmmm...xD When Five and her get lost in the subway time travelling system, her focus point is her kids. Just as Lila became Five's purpose for surviving. To protect her and try to get her back home to them. Five also became her focus point. Just secondary to their shared goal. Being together, relying on the other for survival (initially), comfort and affection. Eventually falling for each other since they can sit down and have time to see how they are mirrors of each other in many ways. Lila has shown she has mental barriers both around her heart and mind. Self preservation. Much like Five with his own control over his emotions and keeping others at a distance from all his years alone and serving as an assassin. Lila has the same trauma... with being brought up by the handler and living in the same life. She lied about Stanley to Diego as a way to test him if he would be a good father because she was scared and didn't want to be rejected. Possibly lying about being with many people to make him jealous. Mind games that she probably was taught by the Handler.

In the above images you can see that lila is a very human character with inexplicable flaws. Seeing herself far too broken to have a family and cowardly. She tends to go for the jugular to hurt when she has been harmed or upset emotionally. She goes into denial and tries to run away from her problems to a certain extent. Whereas Five has always cut to the quick with his brutal honesty. Telling her Diego loves her but also the cold truth of how her mother never did. Making her almost cry so she lashed out by diminishing his experience by calling Dolores out for what she actually was. Something to note from their argument in season 4 leading up to their return to their present timeline. He confronted her about what they shared in all those years and that the marriage was broken. Lila lies to herself sometimes and wanted to run away from having to think about anything outside of seeing her kids.

I strongly feel she said those words to Five about it being all about survival and it not being real because she felt betrayed with his lies. Even though his words weren't wrong. She couldn't say anything to his reasoning for doing it. "You know why." Still - it's true to her character. When she saw the hurt on her lovers face...think that's when most of the anger faded from her. Replaced with a sense of powerlessness, sadness and resignment. Yearning to stay there in their happiness bubble (it was still their Anniversary when all this went down) but needing to have her kids back. She appeared as though she was ready to cry because in her heart she didn't want anything to change regarding the two of them. Just trying to push him away yet can't stand hurting him. Perhaps it's difficult for her to hold herself back from that defense mechanism.

This is the look of someone eager to get back to her old married life with the kids right? Again, ready to cry with the situation weighing heavy on her heart. Think why she had tunnel vision to focus on just seeing her kids again was because she didn't want to ponder what happens next with her relationship with Five, talking to Diego...figuring everything out. Damn. This was suppose to be a short post but turned into a mini essay. In short...she was lying about what they have not being real. Just tried to push it away due to in the moment anger with the reveal.

[cherry-smokes]

Winnebago

You and Steve are desperately pining over each other, all it takes is a near death experience and some eavesdropping to finally do something about it before it's too late. Steve Harrington x reader hurt/comfort Warnings: talks of blood, yearning and also this is my first blurb so proceed with caution.

Gruesome. Gnarly. Wrong. Just so wrong. Words flash through your mind, harsh and biting unlike your gentle hands as you tend to his wounds. It’s just not fair.

Steve, the most gentle man you know, shouldn’t have been torn to shreds by those things. You swear you could see the light flowing out of him along with his blood as you wrapped whatever shred of clothing it was that Nancy handed you around his waist.

You figure you should thank her for that. For her help. For granting you all the god given gift that is her mind. You swear you would if you could bear to look at her without feeling sick. It feels so ridiculous to be caught up with unrequited love in times like these. You've never felt more like a teenage girl in your life. When you aren't worried about keeping the gaggle of children you've essentially adopted at this point alive you're worried about Steve being dragged into what you can only consider the pits of hell. It's never ending. First it's the tunnels, then the Russians and now the fucking bats. He doesn't deserve that, he deserves the Winnebago.

The six kids, all probably with the same head of hair and freckles that mirror his. Warm soft eyes, that killer smile. You shouldn't have eavesdropped on his conversation with Nancy, you know that. As you cradled Max's head on your shoulder, ignoring the way her headphones dug into the bone there, you couldn't help but tune out Kate Bush and listen to what they said.

"Except for the six kids part- that sounds like...a total nightmare"

"If only I had some practice"

"I'm sure...it would be easier with some help."

Too caught up in trying to figure out if the sharp stinging pain you felt was coming from your stomach, chest or throat, you missed the way Steve glanced at you through the rear view mirror.

You miss the way he looks at you now. The RV is empty, everyone has retreated outside to prepare themselves for battle. Children all forced into a colosseum of horrors they should have never had to endure. For a moment, he doesn't think about that. He thinks about you. Your gentle hands. You've always been that way with him. He fears every day that he takes it for granted. He wasn't used to gentleness. Not from his father, not from his peers, not even from Nancy.

He looks at your hands, bloody and cracked. He thinks it's unfair. It's cruel that those hands that have only ever given out care and provided warmth have to be exposed to anything other than that. He thinks he would reach into the sun, melt his hands to the bone if it meant he could give you an ounce of its warmth.

"How is that, is it too tight?"

You gently lay your hands around the bandages you've wrapped around him as you ask the question, avoiding his gaze.

Steve shakes his head, soft strands of hair falling onto his face.

"No...that's good. It's a lot better than before, thank you"

He looks at your face as you start picking up the remnants of your care. Bloodied gauze pads you struggle to keep in your hands as they shake. He can't help but reach out for them.

"Hey, what is it-what's wrong?"

You finally look at him. His heart aches a terrible thing as he sees the glassy look in your eyes.

Your voice is soft, if he wasn't so close he probably wouldn't even hear you as you whisper.

"You scared me so bad."

You sound like a child when you say it. Unable to find more complex words to describe how you felt when all you could hear as you ran to him was screaming. When you saw him overwhelmed by those viscous, ravenous creatures.

Steve's hands move desperately to your face. Trying to wipe any ounce of distress away from it like he can't bear to see you look so sad a second longer.

"I know-I know I'm sorry. I'm okay, I'm here right?"

"I just-" Your words get caught in your throat. They come out thick with emotion and Steve's brows furrow together like his in pain. You take a deep breath, trying to ignore the way it makes your chest shake.

"I have this horrible feeling...that we aren't going to be as lucky this time"

"Don't- Don't say that."

Your hands reach up to cradle his own on your face. You try to burn the feeling of him into your memory. Just in case this is the last time you'll be able to feel them. Just in case you're about to ruin everything. You pull his hands away and hold them out in front of you, taking his face in. Bloody, grimy and bruised yet he looks just as beautiful as he always does.

"I heard what you said to Nancy earlier."

His heart sinks a little bit. He isn't sure why. He can't tell if he's embarrassed that you heard it, that you might think it's some stupid pipe dream you would never want any part of. Worse, he thinks about you wanting that. Wanting it with him, and something horrible happening that would tear that possibility away.

"Oh."

"I think if anyone deserves that Winnebago, the road trip...the family. I think it's you. Anyone would be lucky to get that with you."

There's that warmth again. Spreading across his chest and up to his cheeks as he flushes. He opens his mouth, he begs his brain to come up with anything to say but he can't. Not when the sun is setting behind you and he swears the way the light shines into the RV makes you look like an angel.

"I know...that you want that with someone. And I'm so sorry if this just ruins everything and you can't ever look at me the same after this but...I don't want to die-"

"I'm not going to let that happen-"

He doesn't just mean something happening to you. He wouldn't let anything ruin you two. Steve thinks he would wallow in pain and misery forever as long as he got to keep you. He wishes he had words to explain that to you, wishes he had been better in English so he could formulate poems and novels about how he feels about you.

"What if we can't stop it? I wouldn't be at peace if you didn't know. If something happens to me-and if there is a 'better place' out there...I hope I wake up in a Winnebago. On the shore somewhere sunny and warm. I hope you're there...and I hope you're surrounded by kids that look just like us."

He grabs desperately at your face. One of his hands reaching up to brush your hair out of your face.

"Why can't we have that in this life?"

You swear you can hear your heart pounding in your ears. You can feel the blood rushing through your veins and even so close to the possibility of death you've never felt more alive.

"Is that what you want?"

"Angel that's all I want"

You kiss his palms as he rests his forehead against yours. You pray to whatever force is out there that you have done enough good in this life to be granted a moment of peace in the sun when this is all over.

[vxlkirayaxo]

Hihiihihihi :3

I was wondering if I could request fem! Reader meeting all of Childe’s siblings (pre-relationship, both are pining tho) and reader is like really good with kids and makes them really happy and Childe falls deeper in love, if that makes sense???

Obvi you don’t have to, just an idea ratting around in my silly head :333

Admiration.

I love the way your silly head works :33 this is such a cute concept!!

Character: Childe

Warnings and tags: fluff, one single curse word, love sick Childe essentially

You and Childe have been buddies for a while, so it makes sense that you'll meet his siblings eventually right?

Then why do they look at you like that though?

"Childe says you're really nice!" Tuecer spoke up as he approached you when you walked into the front door. A grin was on his face as he spoke.

'i though Childe said that Tuecer was the nice one...' you thought before Tuecer started to drag you to the living room where the others were.

Childe sat on the couch talking with one of his older siblings before he noticed you and his face lit up.

"ah! You're here!" He got up from the couch and came up to you with a hug. You blushed a bit but returned the hug.

His siblings looked at you with the same look Tuecer gave you, you were confused before a little girl came up to you and smiled.

"I want a hug too..." The girl slightly whined even though she has never met you before, you were nice so you stopped hugging Childe and gave the girl a little hug too.

You didn't notice the mischievous glance the girl gave Childe.

This just kept going on, the whole time while you were playing with the children Childe kept watching them. But eventually he noticed how good you were with children and he felt his heart speed up a bit.

A little while later Tuecer was playing hide and seek with you and you were hiding with Childe. You both sat in a large cabinet next to each other, it was quiet until he spoke up.

"you're really good with children." He complimented you, he glanced at you luckily it was dark enough that he couldn't see the blush on your cheeks.

"thank you, I've always wanted children of my own.." you mumbled, he smiled and tilted his head.

"how many?" He asked.

"uhm... around three I suppose." You answered a small smile on your face now.

"ah, I've always wanted to have a big family when I get married! I guess that comes from my parents huh?" He joked, when you laughed it made him feel like he was falling in love again.

"I can totally see you having a bunch of children." You hummed, soon you and Childe got lost in conversation and were completely oblivious to the three children sitting outside of the cabinet listening to your conversation. They would let you have a while longer before they 'found' you.

Idk if this is good or not, I'll probably remaster it later!!

Let me know if you want to be tagged

[azzibuckets]

this isn’t the end or anything part 2 [pazzi]

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

a/n: pretend kk’s in azzi’s grade😭

word count: 2.5k

part 1 | masterlist

When Azzi walks into the room, Paige’s mind goes blank. In a flurry, her eyes wander from the ceiling to the couch to the boxes of Nike shoes stacked in the corner - anything but Azzi, because she knows if her eyes settle, she won’t be able to help but look.

They’ve been cordial since Azzi arrived at UConn two months ago, holding her boxes as she nervously looked around the apartment. If things had been normal between them, if that conversation had never happened, Azzi wouldn’t have looked so lost and starry eyed when she’d first moved in. She would’ve been already familiar with Paige’s apartment from all the visits they’d planned when they were in high school, late at night and cocooned under the safety of blankets and dreaming about becoming the next iconic backcourt duo. But life was a bitch, and so none of those things had happened, and Azzi had gone through the entire process of signing up for classes, packing all her belongings, and moving into the apartment alone.

And although Paige’s heart aches with longing every time they’re in the same room together (essentially every day since they live in the same apartment), there’s not much she can do about it. Not when Azzi still avoids her gaze. Not when Azzi happens to fall silent every time Paige joins in on conversations with their teammates. And especially not when it’s 12 AM, and Paige is practicing her free throws in the gym, and Azzi walks in, and they make tense eye contact, the atmosphere in the large gym shrinking to a bubble where it’s only the two of them, until one of them inevitably looks away and they end up practicing on opposite sides, only acknowledging each other when a stray ball rolls into the other’s court.

“Azzi, say hi to the live!” KK’s enthusiastic voice breaks Paige out of her thoughts, and Paige smiles a little to herself as Azzi shyly approaches the camera, ducking into the frame to give a little wave. KK brings her phone closer to Azzi’s face. “Azzi, they’re wondering why you’re all dolled up. Give ‘em a fit check.”

Paige scans Azzi’s outfit, only now realizing how dressed up the younger girl is. She’s wearing a light yellow sundress that shows off the sharpness of her collarbone and the fullness of her hips. Her hair’s pulled into a bun, with slut strands framing her face. Paige swallows at the shiny glossiness of Azzi’s lips, wondering if her mouth still tastes like the coconut lip balm she used to always carry with her.

Azzi is positively blushing at all the attention now, with all their teammates now surrounding the camera and hyping her up as she does a little twirl for the live. Paige itches to join them, to tell Azzi how good she looks, but she forces herself to stay on the couch and scroll through her phone, hoping to distract herself enough to slow down the racing of her heart.

“Where you going, Azzarae?” Aaliyah playfully nudges her, asking the question everyone has been wondering.

Paige doesn’t miss the way Azzi’s eyes quickly flicker over to her, then away, before she says softly, “A guy I met at Starbucks asked me out.” Paige knows Azzi is waiting for a reaction, is looking at her from her peripheral vision. Her head swims, and she feels dizzy with jealousy, but she forces her face to remain still and unbothered, even though it feels like something is clawing at her chest.

“Paige, the people wanna see you.” KK nods to her phone, and the last thing Paige wants to do is put on a facade and act happy in front of five thousand fans, but she forces herself to get up and join KK in order to act as normal as possible.

“Doesn’t Azzi look so good?” KK asks innocently.

Azzi feels uncertainty bloom in her stomach. She hates herself for it, but there’s still a small part of her that lives for Paige’s validation. She thinks the world stops when Paige meets her gaze with a piercing stare. “Yeah,” Paige says, her voice low and husky. “She looks really good.” They maintain eye contact for a few seconds before Azzi looks away, trying to hide the red flush of her cheeks. She knows she’s failed when Paige smirks. Unable to stand being in such close proximity with the blonde, she utters a lame, half assed excuse before going into her room to wait for her date to pick her up.

Paige doesn’t know why, but her legs start moving, and she finds herself following after Azzi, slipping into her room after her.

“So you going on a date?”

Azzi startles. The look in her eyes is unreadable, but Paige notices the twisting of her fingers and realizes that the younger girl is just as nervous as she is. “I am.”

Paige nods slowly. “I meant what I said earlier.”

Azzi doesn’t respond.

“You do look beautiful.” Paige’s voice hitches on the last word.

Azzi opens her mouth, but her phone pings with a text before she says anything. She looks down, her jaw set. “My date’s outside.”

Paige’s lips twist into a frown. “He’s not gonna come get you?”

“I told him it’s fine. There’s too many stairs.”

“There’s also an elevator.” Paige is on Azzi’s heels as she gathers her purse and starts heading out.

Azzi looks at Paige, clearly irritated. “When did you become so judgy?”

“It’s basic decency to meet your date at the door, not sit pretty in your car and send a lame ass text.”

Azzi halts, causing Paige to stumble into her. Paige’s hand reflexively lands on Azzi’s waist in order to steady themselves, but Azzi’s quick to extract herself from the older girl’s touch, not allowing herself to relish in the achingly familiar warmth of Paige’s palm. “I’m sorry not everyone is as chivalrous as you,” Azzi spits.

Paige leans against the doorway, a self satisfied smirk plastered on her face. “I love when you get all riled up.”

Azzi gives Paige a hard stare. “Goodbye.” She tries to shut the door, but Paige wedges her foot in the space and runs after her as she aggressively pushes the button to call up the elevator.

“What’re you doing?” Azzi grits through her teeth when the elevator doors open and Paige follows her inside.

“Walking you down.” Paige crosses her arms and leans against the wall. “Have you noticed it’s dark out?”

Azzi loathes the butterflies in her chest that explode. “I hate it when you baby me.” Lie.

“Just doing what your parents asked.”

Azzi’s eyebrows furrow. “What did my parents ask?”

Paige shrugs. “They wanted me to look out for you,” she says nonchalantly.

Of course. Azzi’s ears burn with humiliation. Up to this point, she’d believed that Paige still cared about her, was even jealous over her date. But of course it was her stupid parents, who refused to see that she was grown up and could take care of herself, who had clearly broken their promise that Azzi had forced them to make of not contacting Paige anymore because she couldn’t bear the thought of her family being able to talk to the love of her life when she couldn’t.

Azzi stops in the lobby, clearly trying to get herself together before meeting her date. Paige uses that opportunity to peer out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of her date. “Is that him?” she points at a man leaning against his car.

Azzi nods, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth.

Paige squints, using her hands as binoculars to try and get a better look at the guy. “Bro.”

“What?”

“Bro.” Paige doubles over in laughter, causing Azzi to get even more annoyed as she looks between the window and Paige, trying to figure out the source of her mirth. “What?” she says louder this time.

Paige, one hand holding her stomach and the other wiping tears from her eyes, takes deep breaths to try and calm down. “I think that guy’s shorter than even KK.”

Heat makes its way across Azzi’s cheeks and neck. She hates the way Paige is poking at every weakness she can find, trying to belittle her date, as if she knows she’s better than anyone Azzi can ever find. “I deserve someone.” Azzi says suddenly, her voice shaky with anger. “You don’t get to have a say in who I date. You lost that privilege a long time ago.”

Paige straightens, her expression sobering as if someone’s just slapped her across the cheek. “You deserve some better than him.” You deserve me.

“Shut up.” The words come out more brazenly and forcefully than Azzi means for it to, and the look of hurt on Paige’s face make her nauseous with guilt.

Azzi turns on her heel, her movements feeling sluggish as she exits the building. She knows she’s running away, running away from her problems and running away from Paige, but she’s been running ever since she shut that damn door and she doesn’t know how to stop.

Paige forces herself to stay planted instead of accompanying Azzi to the car. Knowing herself, she’d probably make a sarcastic or condescending comment to the guy, and even though the selfish part of her wants to send him running, the part of her that is still a little bit in love with Azzi (the biggest part of her) knows that she shouldn’t ruin Azzi’s night, not when she’s put so much effort into her makeup and hair.

But Paige finds it hard to do anything for the rest of the night, thinking about what Azzi could be doing on her date. The thought of another person making Azzi laugh makes her want to throw up. A person who couldn’t even bother picking up his date at the door, she thinks bitterly. So Paige tosses and turns, and as the night gets later and later she can’t help but get more nervous when she still doesn’t hear the click of the door opening. Finally, Paige checks her phone, realizing it’s 2 AM and Azzi still isn’t home.

Almost on cue, she receives a call from Azzi, and she picks up immediately. “Are you okay?” she rushes out, terrible thoughts plaguing her mind. “Are you drunk? Do you need me to come pick you up?”

Her queasiness is calmed as soon as Azzi’s laugh rings out, slightly distorted over the phone but still as breathless and soft as Paige remembers it. “I’m fine,” she says. “I just, um, forgot my key card in my room. Can you come let me into the building?”

“Yeah, for sure.” Paige is up immediately, throwing on a jacket and slipping on her shoes. “I’ll be down in two seconds.”

The first thing she notices when Azzi steps foot inside is how hard she’s shivering. Paige scrambles to take her jacket off and offer it to the younger girl. “It’s fine,” Azzi brushes her off. “It’s only a bit til we get to ours.”

“Tell that to me when you’re not shaking like a puppy in the rain.” When Azzi refuses the jacket again, Paige drapes the jacket over the younger girl’s shoulders anyways. Azzi scoffs, but doesn’t shrug it off. And she definitely doesn’t sniff it.

Paige studies Azzi, not realizing how much she’s missed seeing Azzi in her clothes until now. And although she knows she should be pissed at Azzi’s date for leaving her cold in the frigid Connecticut weather, she can’t help but feel satisfied that it’s her jacket wrapped around Azzi and not a man’s.

As they silently wait in the elevator, Paige thinks of how much better she could do than Azzi’s date. How she would buy the prettiest flowers for her, open the car door, make sure she always has an extra sweater on hand in case Azzi is ever cold - hell, she did the latter even when they were just normal friends. But when she opens her mouth, Azzi must be able to read her thoughts, because she shakes her head. “Don’t,” Azzi warns.

Paige exhales, deciding to opt for the safer route instead. “How was your date?”

Azzi tightens the jacket around her shoulders and makes a noncommittal noise from the back of her throat.

When they enter their apartment, Paige lingers, unsure of what to say but fully sure she doesn’t want to leave Azzi’s presence just yet. “Ice cream?” she suggests, mostly expecting Azzi to turn her down. But she’s pleasantly surprised when Azzi agrees, and she rushes to the freezer before the younger girl can change her mind.

They sit in silence as they settle on the couch and spoon Ben and Jerry’s into their mouths. “Sorry,” Azzi says absentmindedly, tracing the rim of the cup. “I tried calling Jana and Aubrey, but-“

“It’s okay,” Paige reassures. She wants to say more, to say that Azzi could call any hour of any day and she’d always pick up. But not wanting to add more to the long list of mistakes she’s already made that night, she clamps her mouth shut.

“Did you ever imagine we’d be like this?” Azzi’s voice penetrates the silence between them. She busies herself with scooping the melted ice cream from the bottom of her cup instead of meeting Paige’s eyes.

“I’d never imagine that 2000 random strangers on Tiktok would know you’re going on a date before I did.” Paige smiles tightly, hoping Azzi doesn’t see the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “But things haven’t been the same for a while now, huh?”

Azzi picks at her nails, a nervous tic she still hasn’t gotten rid of. Paige smiles faintly, reminded of the memory of them holding hands for the first time. “Your nail beds look horrendous,” she’d remarked to Azzi. Azzi had rolled her eyes. “I can’t stop,” she’d admitted. And before the younger girl knew it, her hand was in Paige’s, enveloped in a warmth that started in the palm of her hand but ignited, slowly spreading its way across the rest of her body. “There,” Paige had declared. “Now you can’t hurt yourself.” Azzi had ducked her head shyly, staring outside the car window to try and distract herself from this new feeling bursting in her chest.

Azzi clears her throat. “I’m still not used to it,” she says softly. “After I met Kobe, I was halfway done typing up a message to you when I realized.”

Paige’s eyes softened. “I saw online. I knew you freaked out.”

“I did.” Azzi paused, bracing herself for her next question. “Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“For kissing me that first time.” Azzi’s voice is pained. The question has been running through her mind since she’d left Paige alone in that room, wondering if all their secretly shared kisses and their moments of intimacy were for nothing.

Paige tilts her head, leveling Azzi with a curious stare. “The only thing I regret is letting you leave.” When Azzi’s eyebrow quirks, Paige forges ahead. “I should’ve fought harder for you. For us.”

Azzi’s breath catches. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do.” Paige leans forward. Her touch is feather light across Azzi’s jaw. “There’s no one else in this world I love more than you.” Then she sits back and casually spoons more ice cream into her mouth as if she hasn’t just changed Azzi’s world with just one sentence.

[goldenwilliamson]

keeping it casual | leah williamson

pairing: leah williamson x reader

a/n: inspired by the song casual by chappel roan - a must listen for all the queer girlies who have been in confusing situationships. it sucks.

summary: reader and leah become friends w benefits, but reader wants more. leah is very clear however on the fact that she wants to keep things casual. miscommunication, a little angsty, little fluffy, and little smutty (if you squint).

word count: 2000

There was no denying your feelings for Leah. Of course you’d always been attracted to her, that’s how you ended up in this friends with benefits, no strings attached situation in the first place. However you had both made it abundantly clear from the start that you wanted this to be casual. You weren’t looking for a relationship, and from what Leah said, neither was she. It was casual sex, and that was that. Except now the lines were blurring between something casual and something real, and you didn’t know what to do about it. 

What began as late night hook ups has turned into essentially living in each others houses, sleeping in the same bed every night, driving to and from training together, and from the outside it would appear you two were in a happy relationship. Everyone could see the way you two lit up around each other. But everyone also knew that Leah didn't have a reputation as a monogamist, and that raised concerns among some of your team mates. Namely, Beth Mead who pulled you aside one day for a conversation that became much more serious than you had anticipated.

‘What’s happening with you and Leah, darling?’ She asked you and you smiled.

‘I don’t know, it’s all a bit confusing to be honest,’ you admitted, shrugging your shoulders. 

‘Y/N, you shouldn’t have to be confused. I really wish Leah would just grow up and be ready for a relationship, she shouldn’t be stringing you along like this,’ Beth said, and your defences shot up. 

‘She’s not stringing me along,’ you said bluntly, ‘This was a mutual choice, we both went into this wanting nothing more than something casual.’

‘But don’t you want more than that? I can see it in the way you look at her that you really have feelings for her. I just don’t want you to get hurt,’ Beth said pleadingly, surprising you that she would come to you to try and persuade you out of this situation with Leah.

‘I can appreciate where you’re coming from, but I’m a big girl Beth, and so is Leah. Whatever happens I can deal with, but for now it’s good. You don’t have to worry,’ you told her and she nodded slightly, though you could sense that she wasn’t convinced. 

The conversation ended there however, and you went back to training. That night when you and Leah went back to her flat, you wound up pressed together, trying to taste every inch of each other. While you rested your back against the headboard, Leah worked her magic between your legs, using her tongue in all the right ways to get you off. This is it, you thought, it’s just sex. But the way that Leah holds you and falls asleep with her face against your neck makes you think about your chat with Beth. Because not only do you want the obscenely good sex, but you want the cuddles, you want the late night conversations, and the waking up together. You want the inside jokes, and the stolen glances on the pitch. But deep down, most of all you want to know that Leah is all yours, yet that’s the one thing that you know you won’t get.  

When you woke up the next morning you brought it up with Leah, in a subtle way, deciding to tell her how Beth had pulled you aside. 

‘Beth doesn’t understand not wanting to be in a relationship, because she’s always in one,’ Leah had told you plainly. 

‘Yeah,’ you agreed meekly, not sure how to digest that fact that Leah was still telling you that she didn’t want to be in a relationship. 

While at the beginning you were on the same page, now her refusal to be exclusive feels like a knife in the heart. Because you had given Leah the best of you, and she still didn’t want to be with you, and that felt personal.

Despite all the feelings arising on your end, you two continued your pattern, living in each others pockets and sleeping together, but not putting a label on it. Now you were even attending Williamson Wednesday’s as you had dubbed it. The one night a week where Leah and her family all went round to her Nan’s house for dinner and board games. You had wondered what this meant for your relationship, regularly spending time with her family. In front of them she never tried to hide the fact that you guys were romantically involved either, she would gladly take your hand, or let her arm settle around your shoulders or waist, even steal a kiss. Leah’s own mother Amanda had praised you privately in the kitchen one night, thanking you for making her daughter so happy. And yet, her daughter remained certain that she didn’t want a relationship.

At this stage you were starting to feel disillusioned by it all. You started really questioning how on earth Leah could truly believe anything about your relationship was ‘casual’. 

It all came to a head one night when you were out at an event together. You two were ready to walk down the carpet to get photos taken and Leah had planted her hand on your lower back, initiating that you two would walk together. 

‘We wouldn’t want the press thinking we’re a couple now, would we?’ You said sharply, stepping away from her and choosing to walk first by yourself. You were tired of the mixed signals, and when you looked back at Leah you could see that you’d shocked her. 

When you got to the end and walked on through to the next room Leah came quickly to your side, ‘Have I done something?’ she asked in a low murmur.

You settled your rising emotions with a breath and then turned to face her, ‘I just didn’t think you would want to be photographed with me by your side, seeing as you’re pretty adamant about how you don’t want to be in a relationship with me.’ 

‘Woah, where’s all this coming from?’ Leah said, stepping back slightly and holding her hands up innocently. 

‘Forget it, let’s just get through the night,’ you say, putting it to bed for now. 

Instead of spending the night with Leah, like you’d want to, you let yourself socialise and catch up with people who you hadn’t seen in a while. However you mind never strays from the blonde girl who you’ve completely fallen for. You’ve tried to push your feelings away, and tell yourself to just enjoy it for what it is, but you can’t do it anymore. You decide to leave early, ordering yourself an uber home, rather than using the car organised to transport you and Leah. In the back seat the emotions overcome you, and the tears finally fall. You begin to process how much you truly do feel for Leah, and you start to feel like an idiot for allowing her to just use you for sex for this long. 

When you get home you can’t even bare to look at yourself in the mirror to remove your makeup. You just clumsily step out of your dress and crawl into bed, feeling lonelier than ever. Your pillows muffle the sound of you crying as your body shakes in the sheets. Hoping sleep will find you soon, you close your eyes and try to think about anything else. It’s no use but, your mind completely revolves around one person now, and the fact that she doesn’t feel the same way only makes you feel worse. 

After what must be about an hour of wallowing, you hear your front door creak open and close and the click of heels on your floorboards downstairs. You know immediately who it is and you keep your eyes firmly shut, trying to stable yourself mentally for all this to come to an end. 

You’re laying with your back to the door when she enters the room, her presence bringing with it an energy that never fails to fill you up with love and affection. 

‘Hey,’ she says gently, stepping closer to the bed until she kicks off her shoes and pulls off her blazer then crawls under the covers herself, wrapping her body around yours and holding you against her. The tears come again and you find yourself silently crying. 

‘Baby, please talk to me, what’s going on in that head of yours?’ Leah pleads, affectionately planting kisses into your hair as she runs her hands over your body. As much as you wish you didn’t, you relax into her touch, while your mind continues it’s internal battle about whether or not you should bring all this up.

‘I can’t do this Leah,’ you say, spinning around. She releases her grip on you and pushes your hair out of your face so she can see you properly. 

‘Can’t do what?’ Her eyebrows knit together and her lips are slightly parted, trying to process the night.

‘I don’t know why I let this go on so long,’ you can’t even look at her, because seeing her face makes you want to forget about how you feel and let everything continue as it has been. You roll your face into the pillow, groaning and wishing this could be different. 

‘You don’t want to be with me anymore?’ Leah echoes the information she is receiving back to you. 

‘No,’ your voice is muffled by the pillows as you make your admission, ‘I want to be with you, that’s the problem, because you don’t want to be with me.’ 

Leah examines you carefully, smoothing down your hair as she tries to find the right words.

She speaks slowly when she does, allowing all the words to sink in, 'Y/N, of course I want to be with you, I thought I was following your lead with this whole friends with benefits thing.'

'What?' You turn to face her as you remember all the times she made it very clear she did not want to be with you.

'I would’ve made you my girlfriend right away, but you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I want to be with you, I thought you were the one who didn’t want a relationship,' she says, shaking her head, realising how this was a serious error in communication from both of you.

'Are you kidding me? I thought this whole thing was on your terms, and it was just about the sex for you,' you say.

'Are you blind?' Leah scoffs, smiling, 'You’ve basically moved in to my house, you come with me to visit my family every week, I thought I was making it obvious that I want you to be a part of my life.'

You smile at yourself now, feeling silly for not having just had this conversation sooner, 'Why didn’t you just say something?'

'Because I was scared! You always seemed a bit off about it all, but now I can see why,' she says, looking you deep in the eyes like she is finally understanding you in a new way. 

'We both should have said something then,' you say and Leah nods.

'I can’t believe you would think I would use you just for sex, what am I, a man?' She says in sarcastic shock.

'You didn’t say otherwise!' You quip back. 

'Well I guess I did want to keep having sex with you, that’s why I didn’t say anything,' she shrugs.

'Me too,' you smile.

'But you know this is so much more than sex, even though that’s also really great,' Leah says, letting her hand rest on the side of your face. 

'It is for me too. I want everything with you,' you say, feeling like you’re stepping off a cliff, falling into a new part of your life. A life with Leah. 

'So do I. I love you, Y/N, so much,' she says and you eliminate the short distance between your faces, kissing her gently.

'I love you too,' you say, resting your forehead against her as you pull back. Leah closes the gap now, kissing you again, and again. 

‘So does this make you my girlfriend, then?’ She mumbles between kisses as your hands roam over her waist and thighs trying to take off her outfit.

'It better,' you say, not wasting a moment before connecting your lips back to her skin, just to make sure she knows just how much you’ve been waiting for this moment. 

[genericpuff]

Was the Hera×Echo thing for real?! Was it like planned??? It doesn't feel like it was planned! It feels like Rachel just wanted to queerbait to gather more new readers wtf

yeah it's exactly that tbh

FASTPASS SPOILERS AHEAD !!!

like what more realistically happened is she saw people headcanon'ing Echo and Hera and went "yeah sure I'll do that!" without actually writing the fucking relationship.

This was even a problem back in S2 with Echo's character as a whole, she's introduced as this mysterious 'double agent' character who's almost definitely working for Zeus-

-but then aside from two scenes involving Echo accompanying Hera to the motel to retrieve Persephone's things and Echo warning Daphne that Apollo clearly isn't 'over Persephone' (because he had, y'know, barged into Hera's office demanding Hera's blessing) the whole "Echo is a double agent for Zeus" thing was only confirmed after Daphne was turned into a tree and Echo said "FUCK YOU ZEUS, I'M NOT GONNA DO YOUR DIRTY WORK ANYMORE!" which ... huh? Where's the plot? It feels like there was an entire story there that just got dumped entirely so that Hades and Persephone could play golf with diamonds.

Like this was presumably where Echo ditched her obligation to Zeus, but it had nothing to do with Hera, it was because she heard (I'm assuming from Thanatos) what happened to Daphne.

After that we only ever see Echo again when it's implied that her and Hera had some kind of falling out. No idea what over, maybe it was Hera finding out that Echo was a double agent, maybe Hera called her a slur, we have no clue what. But it's sorta just tacked on during an ongoing monologue about how Kronos has affected her.

The only other 'hint' we got towards it was Ares calling Echo Hera's 'girlfriend' but that doesn't mean a whole lot when we've literally never seen these two have more than two scenes together.

So now Rachel making them kiss feels more like her taking credit for writing a plotline that doesn't exist and was fabricated entirely in the audience's headcanon. And this is something Rachel does a lot, she basically relies entirely on her audience filling in the blanks for her nothingburger plot and then of course gets to take all the credit for being a "smart and inclusive writer". Where? Literally where the fuck is the actual writing?

Imagine if we had gotten a proper B-plot showcasing the relationship between Echo and Hera. Echo is working for Hera as a double agent and doesn't want to blow her cover, while Hera is suspicious because she worries her husband is up to something. Over time they work together, grow closer, Hera realizes that Echo makes her feel a kind of happiness that Zeus hasn't made her feel in a long time, Echo realizes that she can't keep lying to Hera about why she was hired and decides she values Hera's loyalty and respect over Zeus' because she has feelings for Hera now. Maybe Hera finds out about Echo being a double agent, either by overhearing a conversation between Echo and Zeus or because Echo outright tells her, and eventually it resolves with them finally admitting their feelings towards one another and Hera realizing that she's felt trapped in a loveless marriage that's essentially serving the same purpose as her union with Kronos, sacrificing her well-being for the good of a King. They kiss and Hera confronts the original perpetrator of her trauma, Kronos, ready to end the cycle of her abuse once and for all.

Like, the plot is right fucking there but Rachel keeps dumping it in favor of focusing on the boring ass heterocis nightmares that are Hades and Persephone, who get SO MUCH FUCKING SCREENTIME of just telling each other how amazing they are and how much they're in love (meanwhile we didn't even actually get to see or hear what Hera wrote in the letter to Echo, we have to just assume) but still tries to take credit for writing queer stories by just vaguely hinting at a queer relationship that has had zero development or actual screentime. It's Hestia and Athena all fucking over again.

It also doesn't bode well for LO passing the whole "bury your gays" test because Hera is literally marching to what she's expecting to be her death. So she's established as a bisexual character, just for her to be sent to her death, while Echo will undoubtedly get shoved out of the plot again.

And, I shouldn't even have to remind y'all of this, but Hera has been racist to nymphs in the past and Echo was her direct subordinate, her personal assistant.

It just makes zero sense to me why Rachel would suddenly force in a queer relationship between two characters who weren't traditionally gay in the original myths (once again removing the queer aspects of CANONICALLY LGBTQ+ GODS AND GIVING THEM TO THE STRAIGHTS INSTEAD) when Hera's story had more than enough to work with through her trauma from both Kronos and Zeus and her loyalty as the goddess of marriage that's kept her trapped in a loveless and abusive relationship. So now instead of having a subplot that could have been about the goddess of marriage realizing that no one should have to stay in a marriage that's robbing them of joy and the "sanctity of marriage" isn't worth being miserable for life, we have a subplot where the goddess of marriage who is racist to nymphs routinely cheats on her husband and now confesses her love to a nymph who we never even saw her interact with outside of two instances where it was simply a working relationship.

[elysiansparadise]

hi ely, how are you? i would love to have more insight on how to deal with a mercury square mercury in synastry if that's possible? thank you so much!!! 🤍

Hello love, I’m doing very well. I hope you are too. And sure, I can give some tips. 🤍

How to deal with Mercury-Mercury square in synastry?

This square indicates different ways of communicating. Styles of thinking, expression and understanding can be very different, leading to misunderstandings, disagreements or difficulties seeing things from the same perspective.

As for practical approaches, I can mention the following:

🤍Practice active listening: It is essential to pay attention without interrupting, genuinely trying to understand the other's point of view before responding. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and shows that you value what the other person is saying. It is crucial that in this relationship both work on creating a safe space for the other to express themselves and not feel judged for their way of thinking or their opinions.

🤍Be patient and clear: Since misunderstandings can easily arise, it is important to clear up any doubts or confusion before they escalate into bigger problems. Try to ask the other person what they meant by saying something and don't jump to conclusions. Take a moment before responding, especially in times of conflict, to prevent arguments from escalating.

🤍Empathy is the key: You need to try to put yourselves in the other's shoes and understand their perspective before judging or pointing out. Understand that in some occasions the other will not think like you or you like them. Keep an open mind and make the effort to understand things from a different perspective.

Some aspects in astrology that can help with this are the following:

🩶The positive aspects between Mercury-Jupiter can help you understand their differences more easily, you can even appreciate and value these differences. You can help each other to have a more open mind and to consider the same issue from different perspectives. In addition to this, it makes conversations flow and they are able to talk for a long time, enjoying the insights that the other can provide.

🩶Venus making positive aspects to Mercury or Venus falling in the other's 3rd house can help you find middle points on which you both agree, likewise, despite the differences between you that this square can bring, with the influence of Venus you can feel more attracted to the other. They can find solutions more easily and are more likely to have harmony in their conversations.

🩶The harmonious aspects between Moon-Neptune can help you feel more affection and appreciation for it, as well as make it easier for you to feel empathy for the other. There is a strong desire to understand each other, to know each other deeply and to love each other unconditionally. Both are willing to adapt to the other without problem and, being harmonious aspects [trine, sextile, quintile or biquintile] they do so without losing the essence of who they are.

🩶Mercury overlays can be very good to counteract this square. For example, if Mercury falls in the other's 3rd house, it indicates that they genuinely like to talk to each other despite their differences, they can connect very well and easily share what they think, it is even possible that they have more similarities than they initially seemed. If it falls in the other's 5th house, both will feel drawn to the way the other communicates, a lot of fun and a more lighthearted tone that makes differences not an impediment to enjoying each other's company. Or if it falls in the other's 9th house, even if they do not think similarly, this does not have to be a problem, since they can make the other expand their mind or see things in a different way, they can teach each other to have a perspective different and will be more willing to not be so closed or stubborn in their own truth.

🩶Moon falling in the other's 3rd, 4th or 7th house is a great help for this square, as both will want the other to feel comfortable with them. There is a need for communication and coexistence to be fluid, and together they will want the relationship to progress. They have loving and caring feelings toward each other, which can motivate them to work on these issues together. 

🩶Pallas conjunct, trine or sextile Mercury or Mars can help resolve conflicts rationally. They will find solutions to any difference or conflict that arises quickly, taking into consideration what they both want and need. It will not be a constant fight to see who is right and they will like to maintain a calm and pleasant atmosphere between the two. Both make an effort to understand and listen to the other.

🩶Mars making a conjunction, trine or sextile to Saturn helps a lot for both to be patient with the other, as well as not jumping to conclusions and taking things calmly between both of them. It gives durability to the relationship and the ability to go through possible issues in a mature manner without losing focus and desire in the relationship. They are stable and know that despite differences, they can rely on each other and trust that their intentions are good. They will not hesitate to want to improve together so that the relationship prospers.

🩶If you both have mutable energy in your natal charts it can be very useful, as it not only makes you adaptable but even makes you interested in those things that make you different. They can connect quite well despite their differences and put themselves in each other's shoes. They will have no problem making an effort to understand each other's point of view, no matter how different they may be.

🩶Having a Mercury well positioned in the composite chart favors good communication that stands out for being fluid. Mercury in Gemini, Mercury in Virgo, 3rd house, 6th house, or conjunct the angles [1st, 4th, 7th or 10th houses].

🩶Both the positive aspects between Moon-Mercury and Saturn-Mercury are great indicators of patience and the desire to reach an agreement without minimizing each other's opinions. Both can show the ability to practice active listening. They will dislike talking over each other or raising their voices, it is even likely that this couple does not like to argue.

[essektheylyss]

The thing about Phineas/Jonas is that like, it's actually a great illustration of why it's so stupid to try to shut down a ship with "well, I get more of a familial vibe," and, inversely, to complain any time someone does suggest that a dynamic feels very familial in nature, in the same way that it's patently stupid to try to ascribe nuclear family roles to a found family. These aren't antithetical dynamics! They're not rigidly bounded, not least when you don't have any real blood ties! Honestly I really wouldn't consider myself a "shipper" for this show because the vast majority of the character dynamics can fall any number of ways, and I'm interested to see where they go.

This dynamic is interesting because it has been previously a very defined circumstance of mentorship and has also been, in many ways—which Jonas essentially states in this conversation—patronly, to the point of patronizing. But that's also a dynamic that was rigidly upheld by the Trust! It no longer applies, because, as stated, they're both at zero. When the Trust falls, all that's left are people, who now have to renegotiate how they relate to each other outside of those structures. Whatever specifics existed in this relationship prior to this point are irrelevant, because the thing that mattered enough to outlive the Trust is the fact that they actually cared for each other regardless of the roles they were forced to play, and they now get to—and, in lieu of anything else making their decisions for them, must—choose for themselves where they go from here.

[cripplecharacters]

Hello! I'm in the middle of a story where my character is about to become Deaf/HoH in one ear as a result of a gun being fired right next to her ear.

I've been doing a lot of research on the effects of being deaf in one ear and was hoping for some tips on how to accurately depict it without falling into any harmful tropes if I haven't already?

Some key things to note are that this is a fanfiction about Attack on Titan, so she's fighting a lot and hearing is very important.

She has had an ability that she was essentially born with that she can see memories of the past and future, and she also visits another world in her dreams and such. Would it be harmful if in this other world she could still hear? She's one of the only characters who can go into the other world and it's not as though she could rely on her hearing in the other world (shes rarely there with other ppl) or use it to hear properly again in reality (if that makes sense)

I just figured it'd make sense since she was essentially there in spirit

When she's seeing someone else's memories she's essentially seeing through their eyes/in their body so that's another instance where she'd still he able to hear assuming the person she was seeing through was hearing

It's really mostly going to affect her ability to fight, and because a big part of her motivation is gaining freedom and not letting anyone fight/die for her, it takes a toll of that makes sense.

This is the first time I'm writing someone with a disability such as this so I want to make sure I write it right, and if I can't or am causing any harm, I won't write it at all

I hope this all makes sense, and if not I apologize

Hi!

You did not write a lot about how you are treating your character’s hearing loss so I don’t know if you are falling into any tropes. Here are some tips:

Deafness in one side, especially when used to equal hearing in both ears, can make someone feel off-balance due to the uneven input. Your character will have trouble locating sounds and may find herself constantly turning her head to try and locate where noises are coming from with her hearing ear. She will also likely struggle with conversations among multiple people because of that difficulty with sound location.

In terms of accommodations: I don’t know about tech in your world, but a lot of audio these days is mixed/surround sound style, meaning there is a difference in audio to each ear. In many modern devices there is an option for mono audio so output through both ears is the same—your character will want to use that. A hearing aid may also help, but not necessarily, and hearing aids are not a cure.

You mentioned she’s a fighter. Hearing loss may affect her ability to hear commands or incoming attacks, but with assistive technology (like a hearing aid or an fm system) if those work for her, and an increased reliance on visual cues, I don’t think she would have to stop fighting because of her hearing loss. (Admittedly I don’t know the source material so if I am missing something about how fighting operates, please let me know. But deafness shouldn’t remove her fighting ability.)

As for the dreamworld, I think it best if she was not functionally hearing because that is acting as a cure. Maybe it can work sort of like a movie, where someone else’s input is received through her own senses? So even if they are hearing, she still hears with her hearing ear.

Mod Rock

[drconstellation]

First-Order Archangels

Part 1: Maybe You'll Spot An Archangel

GABRIEL: I told you you could ask. However, I am the only First-Order archangel in the room, or, you know, the Universe, so I'm not gonna answer so much. But you feel free to knock yourself out with all the asking.

While I was writing my meta series The Passion Of Jimbriel it became fairly obvious to me there was something more going on between Crowley and Gabriel in S2 than just the numerous pointers to Crowley's pre-fall angel status. They are acting as both parallels and foils to each other, and in places you can swap their characters and get the same story at a different time – and that just opens up a whole new window of context and insight into things. For pre-reading, see this meta from @vidavalor that nicely lists some obvious parallels. It doesn’t mention everything though, so I’m going to discuss parts in more detail.

A foil is a character who contrasts with the protagonist, to highlight or differentiate certain qualities between the characters. Crowley and Gabriel do this because they have come from essentially the same place, and share some story elements, but they still end up in different places.

There is a lengthy original discussion about Crowley's pre-fall angel status here, for pre-reading. It points out the obvious and some not so obvious points that ops have noticed in S2 telling us about Crowley's pre-fall status. Rather than just go through them all again, I'd like to look at some other scenes in S2 that also tell us something about both the similarities and the differences between these two high-powered entities as I go along. In addition, I’ve done a series of posts looking at Gabriel as a shoulder angel (links at the end of post,) because quite often he’s on the demonic left-hand side – which makes sense when you realize he’s a Crowley parallel.

Take the arrival of Gabriel to Whickber St and the bookshop. I’ve already mentioned this parallel story line a couple of times now, but lets look at it again in more detail. It mirrors the opening of S1E1 where the serpent climbs the wall of the Garden of Eden, morphs into a demon and starts to converse with the angel standing on the wall.

Back in the present day, we have a Gabriel, who also tends to present on the sinister-side, walking up to the gate of the present day Garden (the bookshop), which is still guarded by the same angel as it was 6000 years ago, and basically tells Aziraphale he has “fallen.”

How to we know this? It is a reference to the Fall of Man, when Adam and Eve ate the apple the serpent offered them, they suddenly became aware of their nakedness, and hid from God. Gabriel has already upset the love-apple tomato cart on his way to the door of the bookshop, its a sign of the chaos to come.

The fallen angel is not sure of his name, so he prompts with a question…

And asks for shelter under the (reluctant) angel’s wing..

But there is one thing he does know, the one thing that drew him to Aziraphale in the first place:

AZIRAPHALE: Then why did you come to my shop? GABRIEL: I don't know. I just thought I should. You know what it's like when you- when you don't know anything at all, and yet you're totally certain that everything would be better if you were just near one particular person?

Later, Aziraphale realizes that he must give Gabriel a new name to hide him – because fallen angels take on a new name, don’t they? Just like Crowley did.

Then we get a confession:

Which is what Crowley loves about Aziraphale as well - that bit of unpredictability, because you know how humour kind of works? It throws the unexpected at you.

Early on in S2 we find out they are both in trouble: first His Royal Smugness, then Our Hero himself. Our view is turned upside down, with the angel made the bad guy and the demon the good guy who needs to win. But both of them are being hunted by Shax.

Then we get one of the early clues pointing to Crowley's high status as an angel:

SHAX: A miracle of enormous power happened last night. The kind of miracle only the mightiest of Archangels could've performed. CROWLEY: Mm? SHAX: Somewhere very close to your friend's bookshop. Are you telling me you don't know what caused it? CROWLEY: How'd you know I didn't do it?

Shax stalks and threatens both of them, sometimes at the same time:

Another parallel Gabriel and Crowley shared in S2 were associating their identity - no, lets rephrase that - "essence" was one description I've seen - with boxes.

Gabriel arrives with a box that strategically covers his front, and quickly tosses it aside once Aziraphale opens the door to the bookshop. It lies forgotten until Gabriel mentions it a while later. Inside it is the fly from Beelzebub - an object from Hell - so it really needs to be 'invited' across the threshold of the bookshop by Aziraphale to be able to enter. The box initially appears to be empty, Once inside, the fly is free to roam. It has a message written on one side of it.

The same goes for the matchbox. Message included.

ah, wot? you say. Yep.

The matchbox represents Crowley, probably in more ways than one, but I'll just go through the stuff relevant to this meta here.

I notice I'm not the only op to connect the line from the Book of Job on the side of the matchbox with Crowley. The line is from Verse 41, which talks about Leviathan. Among the various shapes it is described to take is a great sea serpent. This deserves its own meta for further discussion, which I plan to do after this one, because yes, Crowley is Leviathan in disguise, but there is much more to it than that. But for now, just know that the matchbox is Crowley.

Once you know this, it makes sense that Muriel finds it - a discarded cardboard box by the front door to Heaven - and deals with a material object that shouldn't by rights exist in Heaven. Then a certain demon finds Muriel lurking outside during the siege on the bookshop at the end of S2E5, and talks them into letting the certain demon be escorted up into Heaven where he doesn't belong, where he's free to roam around - only he needs a guide because he's not sure where to go. Ah Muriel, you poke the Serpent, he's going to poke you back. Good thing he likes you, and it just was a gentle nudge.

Two empty boxes, two cases of memory-loss. That is what S2 seems to suggest to us at first glance.

Gabriel's seems to be the most straight forward in hindsight - find the fly and restore Gabriel to his original "Gabriel-ness." But its more complicated than that. When pushed to remember, his lilac eyes return and another voice can be heard speaking through him of the past. This happens twice, with the second one being part-prophecy. What is really triggering these episodes of channeling? Is it God or someone else speaking through him? We really aren't sure at this point in time.

Then there are questions around Crowley's memory. Did he have his memory wiped when he fell? Was it wiped repeatedly? Was it not wiped at all, and he just pretends he doesn't remember? Neil has even said he is an unreliable narrator about his own Fall, so who are we to trust at this point? Crowley does seem to understand in the end some of the problems Gabriel is having with his absent memories and that brings them to a temporary truce.

Both Aziraphale and Michael inspect their respective "empty" boxes, and neither notices anything obviously amiss. Gabriel's box just seems empty to Aziraphale, he takes no notice of the fly container in there, and archangel Michael tentatively inspects the matchbox brought to them by Muriel but nothing seems out of place there either.

Crowley's change in costume in Heaven during his little infiltration caper with Muriel is also another clue to his past status as an archangel. He has a silvery-gray suit, similar in style to Saraqael's to reinforce the link with them, but at the same time he is also mocking the other archangels and their elite status. We've assumed for a while now that the appearance of the tactical turtleneck signals that Crowley is up to something sneaky or spy related, but I'm starting to think it also relates to a bit of a power play (and Crowley certainly laid the power on for Mr Brown in the pub!) Looking back at S1, Gabriel's not adverse to wearing one either when he needs to be at his worst (or best. Your choice.)

The way one dresses is a way of expressing and reinforcing authority, and its something both Gabriel and Crowley do without much thought. They have been used to being in a position of power and/or independent authority for much of their existence, and I would say that even if Crowley is a few steps down now from where he started, and he's more cautious around those higher ranking than him than he used to be, he still retains that knowledge of what its like to be at the top.

Crowley's usual near all-black costume is a form of power dressing in itself. Whether is was in the past, when black was an expensive color to buy and maintain in clothing, or in the present day, we are still respectful of those in a stylish cut of black.

Gabriel's impeccable tailoring as Supreme Archangel also commands respect. So it's no wonder that one of Gabriel's first requests on regaining his memories was to ask for new clothes! He wasn't just being the vain archangel we believe him to be (although, I think there is still some of that) you also need to consider the elements of the reference characters that went into his shop assistant character: Granville, the belittled shop assistant nephew from the sitcom Open All Hours, who got stuck with all the shop duties from his uncle and felt like life was passing him by, and the silly Monty Python gumbies, that complained of hurting brains - lovable and much loved characters, but not ones you'd really want to be forever. We all want to be loved, but we want to be respected as well.

For all his fierce posturing around Gabriel, there is a brief moment in S2E3 where Crowley backs down and treats Gabriel as an equal - and that is reflected in a change of dress as well. His outside jacket off and sleeve-garters on, Crowley sports a look we haven't seen since S1 when he was home alone in his Mayfair flat. He patiently explains gravity to a curious Gabriel and then describes his "Operation Lovebirds" plan to his puzzled companion. He admits he hasn't "done weather in ages." It's just a quiet, charming moment, watching two ex-archangels get along together.

You're smiling, aren't you?

This meta continues in Part 2: Foils of War, where the differences between Gabriel and Crowley get explored in more detail, and how Aziraphale and Beelzebub act as mirrors to each other a few times as well.

This meta is part of a series on Gabriel: Gabriel as a Shoulder Angel: S1 Study S2 Study Part 1: Ep.1 The Arrival and Ep. 2 The Clue S2 Study Part 2: Ep.3 I Know Where I'm Going and Ep. 5 The Ball S2 Study Part 3: Ep.6 Every Day

First-Order Archangels Part 2: Foils of War

First-Order Archangels Part 3: Seeing Eye to Eye

[eeveecraft]

The Fracturing and Decline of the Tulpamancy Community

Why am I back? Well, I've been thinking about this for a while and a friend of mine just discovered the Tulpamancy stuff. If you're reading this, you know who you are. Still not happy that you found out, but it got me thinking about some stuff I want to write down.

So, some of you may know, #RedditTulpas, the official r/Tulpas Discord server shut down like, a few months ago. The Tulpa.info server got shut down back in 2023, and there's also the debacle that happened with Tulpa Chat several years ago. Basically, all of the largest Tulpamancy Discord servers get shut down for whatever reason once they hit a certain point. The main reason why tends to be drama driving the staff to their wits end, which eventually leads to the server being shut down for the well-being of the staff's mental health.

I mean, I guess there's Tulpa Central with its 1,300+ members, but even though Kopase (eugh) isn't the owner anymore, it's still a server that deliberately excludes other forms of Plurality, and I don't think communities like that should be encouraged to exist. Because let's be honest, that's just thinly-veiled ableism and ignores how Tulpamancy techniques can help disordered systems function better. Oh, that and the fact that other plurals can have tulpas, too.

I also want to bring up how r/Tulpas has drastically declined in quality; we are especially cognizant of it because we moderate that subreddit. There's a lot of low-effort, redundant, and sometimes low-key unhinged posts on the Subreddit, and there is very little actual productive discussion. Most posts there nowadays are just questions, many of which have to be removed because they're already questions that are answered in the FAQ or so basic that they should be asked in the pinned post.

With Reddit specifically, I think a factor in this decline is the direction Reddit has been going with trying to become a publicly traded company, especially with their API changes essentially killing third-party apps. That, and Reddit gleefully giving away all of its user posts to OpenAI with no ability to opt out. We ourselves only check Reddit to moderate the subreddit nowadays because of these changes, and we wouldn't be surprised if others followed suit.

However, this doesn't discredit the general trend we've seen with the larger Tulpamancy communities just declining or outright dying.

The Tulpamancy side of Tumblr has been pretty quiet for several years now with the only major Tulpamancy-specific blog besides ourselves really being Sophie's and maybe Caflec's, and we're hardly active in terms of making posts (we just don't have much to talk about anymore).

There was also the Tulpa.info Mastodon instance, Tulpas.social, but that died pretty damn fast. Plural Café closed invites the moment we tried recommending it to others and has been gradually falling apart, too.

My point is: there's hardly any actual large gatherings of Tulpamancy systems anymore. I remember in one of my Tulpamancy Help videos, I explained how the community became fractured, but I think it's gotten even worse. Like, don't get me wrong, I don't think the community should be a monolith; niches exist for a reason. However, there's something just... disheartening about seeing gatherings of 1,000+ Tulpamancy systems just getting dissolved; thousands of people conversing, exchanging ideas, and helping each other just... separated.

You're probably wondering, "Well, if you're complaining about it, you surely have some kind of solution, right?" Well, not really. it seems to be a cycle tied with the general makeup of the community; enough people in the community just seem to be drawn to petty arguments and drama that takes a toll on the people who manage these communities. So for larger gathering to exist, the people need to be palatable. Otherwise, as new communities form and people flock to them, the same people that caused the downfall of the others before will follow suit. And to be frank, I don't quite have a solution in regards to getting people to stop gravitating towards and starting mentally-taxing drama. That's up for the individuals inside the community to figure out, let alone want to change.

So, what's the conclusion? I guess it's just that I believe the community is heading towards some kind of recession, a dark age of some kind. And that makes me sad to extent because the more Tulpamancy spreads, the more its techniques can be used to help people. There's a reason anthropologists and psychologists are studying Tulpamancy, especially with the interest in its possible therapeutic applications. Despite that, I want to be optimistic and hope that eventually, the community finds its stride again instead of fading into further obscurity.

7-15-2024