#how am i supposed to feel safe here anymore when anyone i meet could be this anon here? the answer is that i can’t)

[thereareeyesinsidethetrees]

Honestly, I never meant to you to feel this way. I just wanna say sorry for ever hurting you ♥️ (/genuine)

you’re a liar and i hate you

your comment about making me feel physically ill was sarcastic as fuck, you specifically keep evading my attempts to block you, and you have shown to be keeping track of this, as shown by your previous ask questioning me on if i am going to block every new follower i get

if you were sorry, i wouldn’t be responding to you again, and you would’ve fucked off after the first few asks

this is the last response i’m giving you

[yuri-is-online]

Soap Operatic Symphony (A Fyuuture Kid AU ft. Scarabia, Pomefiore, Ignihyde, and Diasomnia)

While camping in the mountains during Camp Vargas, you encounter a monster exactly like the one you fought off with Ace and Deuce at the beginning of the year. While trying to fight it off again, a strange portal opens up in the mine and a person jumps out of it to your rescue. He says he doesn't remember much, but it's clear when you bring him to Crowley that this boy is also from your world, despite being a mage, and until the headmage can think of a better solution, he assigns "Yutu" to your dorm.

Something a certain someone has an opinion about.

notes: yeah I have nothing to say for myself, I have other stuff I am supposed to be writing but this wrote itself ok? ok. Anyway this is a future kid au where your son has come back in time to try and prevent the end of the world but mostly to make sure you don't die. You can see this ask for a detailed explanation of what's up with Yuu and my masterlist for other fic. Oh and the other dorms can be found here.

Scarabia

In general, Jamil is going to be torn between being deeply suspicious of the entire situation and feeling like it's none of his business while Kalim is excited to meet a potential new friend.  How they act on those feelings changes depending on who Yutu is trying to interact with.

Kalim- anyone trying to get close to Kalim has to be watched obsessively by Jamil, and Yutu is no exception.  If anything the surveillance is worse due to the strange way he showed up, and Kalim doesn't like it but he understands.  For Yutu's part he seems really receptive to Kalim's efforts to befriend him, which is the furthest Kalim is going to think about it for a while, but he also notices the strange nostalgia and grief Yutu seems to feel when interacting with you and he really wants to help.  He's sure if Yutu would just talk about it, he could give him some good advice.  They get along really well!  But Yutu seems really reluctant to give out personal information… which Jamil really doesn't like. Kalim's sure he doesn't mean anything by it because of how apologetic he is! But he does sort of wonder if he's done something to make Yutu not feel safe around him... it makes him sort of sad.

Jamil- Once he got a look at that portal, Jamil realized that he didn't actually know what it looked like when you arrived at NRC.  He certainly remembers the mess Grim made, but not much about you beyond how confused you looked.  He'll have to ask about it sometime but for now, he's got questions.  Number one: who the fuck is this guy really?  His name isn't Yutu, he sure as shit isn't from your world, otherwise he couldn't be a mage, and his attitude towards you is just suspicious.  He has got to want something, and Jamil is torn between protectiveness of you and his adamant refusal to give himself anymore work.  It doesn't help that Yutu seems very apologetic to him specifically, he swears the kid seems to be apologizing for his entire existence.  It's weird, and he tells him to knock it off because it's not like he's his dad.  For some reason that just makes it worse.

Pomefiore

Vil- Epel is the one to tell him about the monster attack, the portal, and the strange protectiveness Yutu has towards Yuu.  That last thing doesn't bother him as much as you might expect, as soon as he learns that you're from the same world he thinks it's perfectly natural.  Admirable even.  The fake name and desire for privacy doesn't bother him either, as an actor both things seem normal to him.  What worries him is the idea that something very wrong is happening in the background that he doesn't know about, which he makes very clear to Yutu after sending Rook to distract you.  Yutu seems hesitant to trust him, and only offers vague warnings about making sure Yuu stays safe and keeping an eye on Grim.  Well now, they can both agree on that, and wouldn't it be easier if Yutu cooperated with him?  He's not going to take no for an answer.

Rook- Oh?  Ramshackle Dorm has a new member?  What a charming surprise!  He's sure this will lead to many new beautiful experiences.  And he's right!  Yutu is very beautiful, but there's something oddly familiar and yet… wrong about him.  Like he doesn't quite belong here, and not in the same way that you don't belong here.  He looks haunted, his interactions with you scream that he possesses (or to be more accurate used to possess) a relationship that can only have been built over several years.  But you clearly don't remember him, and there's a painful aura of grief in his interactions with you.  He also notices, with a great deal of joy, that the same grief is present when the little one speaks to him.  Just what could that mean? The hunter is in no rush, he'll find out what that means in time, for now he'll keep dropping in unannounced to test Yutu's reflexes. 

Side note: I don't speak French so I don't know if this would be the correct way to say it, but I like the idea of Rook's nickname for Yutu being Monsieur Caneton (Monsieur Duckling), because of how he follows Yuu around. Floyd's nickname I reserve the right to change depending on who Yutu's father is.

Epel- He starts off a hater, I am not going to lie.  Protecting you is something Epel takes a great deal of pride in; he wants to be seen as manly, as the protector, as someone who you think of as cool and trusts to provide for you.  So for a giant portal to open in the sky and drop a new guy determined to protect you from the monsters?  He hates it, he really does, and that's BEFORE Yutu starts living in Ramshackle Dorm.  He's determined to ignore him and not let him into the friend group, which proves impossible because of how Yutu follows you around so fine.  He can sit with you but ONLY IF he accepts that Epel was there first.  Something he's really surprised to see him do?  He should be more suspicious of why Yutu is constantly asking him for advice or acting like he's cool for being so possessive over you but well.  It's Epel he really wants to be seen as cool so he's just not going to think about it.

Ignihyde

Ortho- Ortho wasn't there to see the portal so he can't analyze it, but he can analyze Yutu!  And he immediately finds the Shroud family curse.  How curious, is this something he should tell his brother immediately?  Or should he skip the line and talk to their parents… decisions decisions but he doesn't have to wait for too long for an explanation.  Yutu explains himself pretty quickly when called out and Ortho is beyond excited to learn he's an uncle.  Less excited to learn about the impending apocalypse but he's sure they can fix it if they work together.  Now to double his efforts to get you and Idia together…

Idia- a second person has been isekaid to the NRC oh no.  Whatever will he do?  Well he intended to do nothing but Ortho isn't letting him.  For some reason he seems really determined to get him to hang out with you, almost like he knows about his crush he's been so good at hiding.  He can't complain too much, talking with you is weirdly soothing and much easier than he'd anticipated.  And Yutu's there too he guesses.  Sometimes they parallel play while Idia hangs out with you and that's nice.  It's sort of weird how in tune Yutu is with him though, sometimes he swears they could be related. A thought that Ortho is weirdly determined to encourage, and refuses to explain why... maybe he should be more worried about what anime little bro has been watching recently.

Diasomnia

Right so dragon biology is weird and our knowledge of half fae is very limited.  From how Sebek looks and how Malleus’s birth is discussed, I assume the eggs produced by love is exclusive to dragon fae and other species just get babies in the normal way.  All of that to say:

Malleus- Yutu is an oddity from the jump.  He looks very young, but insists he's around the same age as Yuu, and Malleus swears he feels his own magic is a part of him.  It's like a precious stone has grown some legs and started walking around and talking back to him.  He's a little bit in love, not the same way he's in love with Yuu, but much like a parent would think of a child… perhaps if they get closer he can offer him the night's blessing.  He does seem to be lacking it and that just won't do, something inside him says that needs to be fixed immediately.  Lilia questions him on whether or not he's jealous of how close the little one is to Yuu, which surprises him greatly.  Why would he be- well.  He does wish he could spend more time with Yuu but that sort of envy applies to everyone, not just Yutu.  And none of those guys are so unafraid of him to have made him a friendship bracelet so there. 

Lilia- a mage?  From Yuu's world?  How exciting!  He's very pleased to see how well he gets along with his boys and takes Sebek’s shouting in stride.  It's inspirational how quick he picks up on how gullible Sebek is and immediately starts telling-  well Lilia supposes he doesn't know they're outright lies but the scolding he gets from Yuu certainly suggests they are.  It's all very cute, and something he really wishes he could be a part of, but he knows his time is limited.  He'll just have to treasure these experiences while he's allowed them, something Yutu is very willing to help him do!  What a good kid, he'll have to tell him how proud his parents must be of him.

Silver- A portal, a monster, and a new mysterious person… it's concerning.  Something dangerous has got to be happening with how worried over you this new person is, his name is Yutu?  Weird but then his name is Silver so who is he to judge.  Anyway he introduces himself to Yutu and he asks why he came through the portal and… isn't really satisfied with his answers.  He doesn't think Yutu is a threat, not to Malleus anyway, but there's just something off about this whole thing and it's his task as a knight to make sure the people he loves are safe.  What's that?  Well of course you are one of those people.  You're very important and- why is Yutu looking at him like that.  He's telling the truth, what does he mean that makes it worse? Is it his face?

Sebek- Oh look another perfectly average human who is ok.  He guesses.  Not that he's thought extensively about you personally, only as a precaution to make sure you aren't disrespecting Lord Malleus, you get that right?  Him cornering Yutu with a strained look on his face and shouting at him about how to properly respect Lord Malleus is something he would do to anybody.  It has nothing to do with him assuming that if this person respects Lord Malleus they will be safe for "that human" to be around.  Unfortunately, Yutu is not just anybody and immediately starts yelling back accusing him of disrespecting you.  It's like there's two of them now, just with different biases, rip everyone's eardrums.

[heavyhitterheaux]

Meet Me At the Atlar Part 2

AN: The time has finally come!

Synopsis: You have to deal with the aftermath of learning that your fiancé has cheated on you with your older sister and has apparently gotten her pregnant

Pairing: Joe Burrow x Reader

Read Part 1 first

Joe Burrow Masterlist

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

You felt as if you were in the Twilight Zone with what you had just heard Marlene say when there was a collective gasp that filled the room.

All you did was turn around to look at her to see her staring right back at you and not backing down. Both of your parents looked at the two of you in confusion.

"You are literally nothing but a two faced bitch and I hope that nothing good comes to you for the rest of your life." You softly said while shaking your head in disbelief.

"Well it's not my fault he wanted me!" She shrugged and you could tell that she didn't really care about your feelings. She got what she wanted and that was to your surprise your fiancé and a baby.

"You're an adult and you are just as responsible for your actions as he is. So do me a favor, never speak to me again in your life. And as for you…" You started to say as you turned around to face Joe and simply shook your head in disbelief as all of the guests had their eyes on the two of you but not for the reason that you wanted.

You slipped off your engagement ring and played with it in your hands.

"I'm just going to pawn this seeing as there will be absolutely no reason for me to wear it again. Consider this over."

"Y/N, wait a minute! I can explain!" Joe exclaimed while trying to grab your hand, but you quickly snatched it away from him.

"God forgive me. I am in the lord's house about to curse again but HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN FUCKING MY OLDER SISTER AND GETTING HER PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME AS ME? HOW?! HOW DOES THAT WORK? PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME SO THAT I UNDERSTAND."

"I-...."

"Exactly."

All you did was shake your head as you picked up your dress to make a run for it back down the aisle as Camille, Alex, and Raina ran behind you leaving everyone else standing there.

You could hear Joe yelling for you as well as both of your parents, but you just couldn't bring yourself to speak to any of them.

Once you were outside, you were trying to catch your breath in between the tears that began to roll down your face. Camille along with Alex and Raina stood there comforting you as all three of them brought you into a hug.

"I know, let it out." Alex said as she soothingly rubbed your back as you let out a hiccup.

"But come on, I don't want anyone to see you like this." Raina suggested as she already knew that Joe was more than likely making his way outside to find you.

All three of them led you to the limo that was supposed to take you and Joe to the reception and simply told the driver to take all of you back to the hotel. Camille crawled in behind you but before she did, she threw your bouquet on the ground seeing as you didn't need it anymore.

All of you simply rode around in silence before anyone said anything.

"What do you need us to do? What are you thinking right now?" Raina asked as she played with the hem of her dress.

"That I need to get the fuck out of here." You answered as you started to massage your temples.

"Well where do you want to go?"

"A place where I can lay low for the rest of my pregnancy because I want nothing to do with him and nothing to do with her either."

"Oh, I have an idea. My parents vacation house in Denver. No one will look for you there." Camille piped up and said.

"Will they be okay with me staying there?"

"Girl, considering the circumstances without a doubt. They love you and will probably want to kill him when they find out about this because you already know people can't keep their mouths shut."

"I need to go to the hotel and get out of this dress and grab clothes."

"And then we're going to the airport."

"But…"

"We need to at least make sure you get there safely. We'll stay with you for a few weeks and then come back home. There is no way in hell we are letting you out of our sight in the emotional state that you're in. When we get there we'll find an OB/GYN that takes your insurance and get you set up with everything that you need. Your kid is going to be just fine because they have you for a mother. And I will make sure he doesn't find you, so we'll start by getting you a new phone when we get there. And I'm blocking him because I know for a fact he's going to ask me where you are."

"I just… Marlene. I looked up to her and wanted to be just like her all for her to go behind my back when I get a little bit of happiness. I always supported her through every single break up, when she dropped out of college, totaling our father's car, and that's not even half of it. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a sister anymore."

"Yes you do have a sister. You have us. And we're going to support you through this. You don't need him and truth be told you never did. You've always been amazing in your own right."

Once back at the hotel, you got up to your room and slipped off your dress with the tears still cascading down your face. The clothes that you packed were not appropriate for Denver's weather, but all that could be resolved once you got there and you simply slipped on a Bengals hoodie with one of your black shirts underneath along with some sweatpants before sliding on your shoes.

When you were finished packing up all of your things, your wedding dress was still laid out on the bed and you simply stared at it.

The two of you were supposed to be having your first dance as a married couple at the reception right now, but instead you were about to disappear and pray and hope that he didn't find you.

You took one last look at it before deciding to leave it there on the bed.

You walked to Camille's room and knocked on the door and she answered it having all of her bags in tow too.

"You ready? Where's your dress?"

"I'm ready and I left it on the bed. I want nothing to do with him and besides he's the one who paid for it."

Camille stifled a laugh as she reached over to take your hand and tightly squeezed it.

"Come on, let's go. Hopefully there's a direct flight and we won't have to worry about layovers."

Luck was on your side because as soon as you got to the airport, there were a few direct flights to Denver that would be taking off in two hours or less.

Once settled with your tickets and going through TSA, all of you decided to find a Starbucks since you had been craving a caramel ribbon crunch with extra caramel. This entire time your phone had been going off and not once did you look at it knowing that it was probably Joe along with your parents and the rest of your family. You doubted that Marlene was one of them and you were praying and hoping that she wasn't.

When all of you got to your gate and were waiting to board, you pulled out your phone to find a string of messages and calls and most of them being from Joe which you weren't surprised by. However, there was one from Marlene and you quickly opened it.

Mar- I would tell you that I'm sorry, but the bottom line is that I'm not. He should be with me and not you. So go run along and cry in a corner like you always do when you don't get your way. That's all it seems like you're good for anyway. Can't wait to start my family with Joe and I'll send you pictures of the baby.

"That stupid ass bitch has some absolute nerve." You muttered and Camille quickly took your phone to see what you had been talking about.

"No the fuck she didn't." She said as she grabbed your phone and also showed Raina and Alex.

"Karma is a bitch and I can't wait until it comes for her. How dare she hurt her little sister like that? And you would do absolutely anything for her. I don't know how many times you've bent over backwards for her." Alex piped up and said while sipping on her chai latte.

"I'm just so happy and thankful that I have you three. I just…. I really thought he was the one."

"Well he didn't give you any reason not to think that he was! We were rooting for him! Insert Tyra Banks meme. Like you two are or were perfect for each other. Ever since he kept making eye contact with you at the game we all went to, I knew it was a done deal. We all knew it was just a matter of time before the two of you walked down the aisle. I'm so sorry that he didn't realize what he had in front of him."

"And he's never going to be able to get me back. I don't care what he does, my answer is always going to be no." You quietly said while trying not to cry. You were still so in shock about what just happened, and you did cry earlier but you had a feeling that tonight would be ten times worse and it would hit you like a ton of bricks.

After you had taken off back down the aisle with your bridesmaids following you, all eyes were then on Joe and Marlene.

Both of Joe's older brothers looked at him confused, but your mom was the first to speak.

"I…. Marlene…. How? How in the world did you think that this was okay? And Joseph, don't even get me started on you."

Your father was giving Joe the death glare and had to be held back by your uncles as he was heading straight towards Joe.

"You broke my youngest daughter's heart by going for my oldest? You asked for my permission to marry her and go and pull this shit? And Marlene, why am I not surprised? You can't see anyone be happy except for yourself."

"I…." Joe started to say but was immediately cut off by your dad.

"No explanation is about to save you because there is literally no excuse for this."

"I'm not apologizing because he wanted me instead. It was only a matter of time before he left her for me anyway."

"I was NEVER going to leave her for you and I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. Besides, I don't even know if that kid is mine! I know that Y/N's is!" Joe piped up while running a hand through his hair.

"I mean does it even matter at this point?" Jamie asked while looking at his younger brother.

"But…"

"I mean on the plus side Marlene is pregnant." Your Aunt Diandra said and your mother immediately rolled her eyes.

"You cannot be serious."

"I'm happy for her in that regard!"

"Do me a favor." Your father said as he approached Joe who could admit to himself how intimidated he was at the moment since your father was an ex-NFL player himself.

"Stay away from Y/N and you better consider yourself lucky if I even let you near my grandchild that she's carrying. And as for you Marlene, I taught you better and since you decided to break up what would have been a happy marriage, you can get out of my house until you can learn to show respect to your sister."

You had been in Denver for about three weeks and was settling in as best as you could. It didn't take long for you to find your own place, but it wouldn't be ready until the end of the month so you were still staying at Camille's parents house.

Your daughter was growing at a normal rate and you couldn't have been more excited for her to get here. However, there was one major problem.

Her father.

Headlines broke the next day about what happened between you and Joe and you had gone ghost. You had gotten a new phone and you only had a few numbers. Since you changed your number also, the only people that had your number were your parents, Camille, Alex, Raina, and both of Joe's brothers. You figured that you would at least give them updates to let them know that you were okay, but Joe didn't deserve that.

You were at the point where you didn't want him in the delivery room and quite frankly you didn't want him near you for the rest of your pregnancy. The last thing you needed was for her to sense that something was wrong with her mother and be under stress. You wanted for him to stay far away from you and her for that matter. However, you wanted your daughter to have a good relationship with him, despite what he had done to you.

She deserved to know him and have him in her life even if you didn't want him in yours. When it got closer to your due date, you had to make a decision if you actually wanted him there with you. If course one side of you is saying fuck him, while the other still has a soft spot and want to share that important moment with him.

Camille had just gotten back to Ohio the day before after making sure that you were okay even though she knew you weren't. Her heart broke every time the two of you talked and she could see it in your eyes how much of a struggle this was for you and for good reason.

She had been waiting for her Chinese take out order when she suddenly heard her doorbell ring. She quickly got up to answer it and immediately rolled her eyes when she saw who it was.

"You aren't my Chinese take out." She said while staring blankly at Joe.

"I…. Camille. I need to talk to her."

"Hmm, talk to who? Your fiancé that you betrayed? Do I have that right? What makes you think that you deserve to be anywhere near her?"

"Come on Camille, I know you know where she is."

"What makes you think that Burrow?"

"Because you're one of her best friends! Just… I need to talk to her! She's pregnant!"

"What you need to do is leave her the fuck alone. You weren’t concerned that she was pregnant when you were going around sticking your dick in places that it doesn't belong. You and Marlene can go fuck yourselves. I know exactly where she is and I'm not fucking telling you so get the hell off my doorstep."

"Just… is she safe?"

"What is it to you? She's good. That's all you need to know and as of right now you aren't allowed in the delivery room. Have a good night." Camille finished speaking as she slammed her front door in his face.

Once the door was closed, she immediately sent you a text.

Cami- Your baby daddy is looking for you

You- 🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽

Cami- Lmaoooo he showed up on my doorstep and I promptly told him to fuck off

You- And that's why we're best friends. I love you for this so thank you.

Cami- You absolutely never have to thank me for protecting you. I got you for life, you know this 💕

You- Look at Baby Burrow's Godmother coming through!

Cami- Are you still giving her his last name? 👀

You- I'm on the fence about it to be honest

Cami- Well whatever you decide I'll support you 100%

You- 🥹

After another month and a half and a whole lot of delays, you were finally settled into your condo and currently folding up clothes in the nursery. Just the week before, your parents along with your best friends threw you a baby shower and loaded you up with anything and everything that you might need for her first year of life.

However, you also felt some type of way when you looked on instagram to see that your extended family threw Marlene a baby shower as well despite what she did to you. From the time that you could remember, you were always in her shadow and you never quite felt that you were good enough. They put Marlene on a pedestal no matter how many times that she might mess up while they acted as if you didn't exist. But Marlene used to never let that slide until she decided to be a backstabbing bitch.

But you knew that she was going to get hers in due time, and you couldn’t wait to see it unfold right before your eyes. If you had done your math right, you knew that her due date was coming up soon and wanted nothing to do with her or the baby.

Almost a week later, Marlene was trying to do anything and everything to get into contact with you as tears were streaming down her face as her newborn son cried hysterically in the background.

She messed up and she messed up big time.

She hurt the one person in the world that she knew would have her back through anything and had a feeling that you would never forgive her for the rest of both of your lives and for good reason.

She kept calling your new number that she had gotten from your mother's phone and it was steadily going to voice-mail.

It was the sixth time when she decided to finally leave you a message hoping that you would answer her.

"Y/N, baby girl. I am so so sorry. Please call me back so we can talk. I know I hurt you and I feel terrible about it. I hurt the one person that has always been there for me. I… I'm calling because I got the DNA results. Joe wouldn't take no for an answer to getting them and….. I get it as to why. Um, I said all that to say that the baby isn't his."

Taglist:

@hoodharlow

@nattinatalia

@a-moment-captured

@wickedfun9

@keiva1000

@dandelionwrites8

[dorkydiaz]

WITH YOU I SERVE, WITH YOU I FALL [1.2k | spec fic | eddie pov] {ao3} part one

a/n: well, i did not expect this to happen..but here we are, please enjoy but you dream of some epiphany from eddie's perspective, aka what the real world looks like. title from epiphany by taylor swift. enjoy!

There are moments in life when things slow down. When you can know what’s going to happen as you watch in slow motion. Sometimes it’s happening to you. and sometimes to others. The nature of being a firefighter is you see those moments a lot. Both versions. Eddie had his fair share of them. 

One moment he’s on the ground watching Buck doing what he does best. And then he’s watching as the outline of his body flails, and then hangs, suspended in the air. 

“Buck!” he hears his own voice clamor through the rain. He can’t take his eyes off Buck's body, dangling, limbs limp. It reminds him of a stained glass in his childhood church. 

“Cap, we gotta get him down. Please. How do we get him down?” his mind is finally catching up with what just happened as each fact rolls over him. They have ten minutes. The ladder is electrified. They have ten minutes. And nobody is moving. He's still up there. 40 feet away. Harness tight around his thighs, bearing all his weight. With blood nowhere to go. 

“I'll go up,” he offers blindly. 

“What? So I can have both of you in the hospital electrocuted?” Bobby fixes him with a look, “We’ll get him down.” 

“Bobby, we are running out of time, he could d—,” there’s acid at the back of his throat, “You don’t think he’s already—?” 

“Eddie, no one thinks he’s dead. but we have to do this safely. I am not losing anyone tonight, okay?” 

He nods. And his eyes go back to Buck. He can’t move anymore. 

He’s not entirely sure how they do it. How they get him back to the ground. But he still can’t move as Hen and Chimney wrap a c-collar around his neck and work to get his heart back into rhythm, get him breathing. He’s not breathing. 

Still all he can do is stand and watch. Praying for the first time in years. 

You spared me, spare him too. 

“I have a steady rhythm.” 

“Let's move guys.” 

He’s pulled into the ambulance, Bobby meeting his eyes as he closes the doors and slams them shut. 

His eyes land on Buck’s hands, carefully placed one on top of the other, pale from a lack of oxygen, wet cold. 

His hand hovers, tracking the line of his body until it lands on his still face. Cheeks waned, brow perfectly neutral. 

Chimney looks up at him, laryngoscope poised. 

“Do it.” is all he can say. Chimney never asked, and he doesn’t have the authority really but he knows the question. It's better this time. It'll work this time. 

You didn’t spare her. Spare him for our sake. 

He finally wraps a hand around Buck's and continues his silent prayer. 

He’s not sure how he lets go. How he watches them take him beyond the doors. 

He’s inside, Bobby's hand on his elbow. 

“Eddie, why don’t we go to the chapel together.” 

It’s not actually a question, so he follows. 

They sit. Bobby prays. He prays in all the ways that he remembers.

Spare him. For our sake. Spare him.

“Wh-what happens now?” he finally asks. Because this part he’s never done before. 

“You go home.” 

He looks up dumbfounded. 

“You go home, and wait because waiting here is the same. And you tell Chris. And find comfort in each other. Because Buck is Chris’ person besides you. He’s your person.” 

Eddie swallows, “I've— I've never had someone like him. I don’t— I don’t know what I would—I thought I knew with her,” he swallows again, “but this feels—“ 

“It’s okay not to know it all right now.  Just remember how important he is to you. Whatever that may mean.”

The rain continues to pelt against the stained glass, artificial light streaming in, covering the altar in dappled colors. 

It feels strange, leaving the building without him. 

--

“Hey dad, where’s Buck?” 

Because it’s Friday night. Buck was supposed to be here. Sitting on the couch, bringing a beer to his lips while they playfully argue over pizza toppings and movies. 

“Hi bud,” Chris looks up, his eyes wide with that knowing look that no kid his age should have. He sits on the bed. He doesn’t know how Buck did this. 

“Chris, there was an accident while we were at work, and Buck. Buck got hurt. He's in the hospital right now. And he’s going to be alright. He just— has to sleep for a while, so his body can recover.” 

“Like you did?” 

“Yeah, a little bit like that. But— Chris, it could be longer. We don’t know. But you know Buck, right? He doesn’t give up.” 

Chris nods and leans into him. And that’s how they stay until eventually Chris nods off. and Eddie lifts him and tucks him into bed. 

He makes his way to his room. The one now indelibly filled with Buck, his touch entombed in the walls. The throw pillows and the plant that he had encouraged Eddie to buy, never forcing him but telling him it would look nice and it would fit in the new room that they repaired together. 

They built this home together. In more ways than one. 

The next few days are a weird routine. Eddie goes to the hospital, he takes Chris Saturday morning. 

Sunday afternoon he walks up the path from the parking lot and finds Maddie standing with a cup of coffee staring after a car with Pennsylvania plates. 

“Maddie?” 

“They— they wouldn’t even come inside. It's been three days, and— I really thought that maybe this time. After— he’s only ever tried to make them see him. But they aren’t going to change.” 

He takes one of her hands and runs a soothing thumb over her knuckles. “He doesn't need them. He has us.” 

“I'm really glad he has you and Chris.” 

“Well, thank you. We wouldn’t have him if it weren’t for you.” 

There’s a hint of a watery smile as she tilts her head toward the doors and they head inside. 

He’s not even sure how many hours later it is. Maddie went home squeezing his shoulder as she left. He can stay, Chris spending the night with Hen and Karen. So he stays. 

His eyes wander over Buck’s body, perfectly still. His brow is still neutral. Pale. 

“I don’t know if you can hear me. If you were awake you would probably rattle off the statistics. But nevertheless, I need you to come home. Please.” He lets his finger wander to the Lichtenberg figure that has begun to spread further below the sleeve of his hospital gown. He had heard about them before. How they were created within billionths of a second or over years. How one thing can change your body down the line. How one decision is the linchpin. 

He thanks the God that he’s been praying to that he made all the right ones that lead him here. Despite every struggle. That he gets to be here, in this life, with Buck by his side. Whatever that may mean.  The hand around his grabs tight, and it’s a shock to his system. Buck looks terrified as tears pool in his eyes. 

“Hey, you’re okay,” and it feels warm in his chest as he takes a breath with Buck. Wiping a tear from his cheek. 

He barely remembers hitting the call button, but soon they’re not alone. Just Buck’s eyes fixed to his across the room among the chaos. 

Whatever that may mean.  Home. 

[three-bunnies-in-a-trenchcoat]

Dear Zelda,

I'm writing this letter to give to you once I see you again. I thought it would be nice to keep a record.

I still can't believe it– I'm on the Surface! I wish you could be here with me, though. It's not nearly as great having to look for you as it would have been if I was with you.

I can't carry much paper with me, so I'll have to keep these letters short.

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

It's been a month since you've fallen. They held a funeral for you today; no one believes me when I tell them you're still alive. Headmaster Gaepora said that it would be better this way, that it would all be alright once I brought you back and that it would give everyone else closure in the meantime.

Fi says that we're getting closer. There's barely any unexplored areas on my map left, so I should see you again soon! I told you about Gorko in my last letter, right? Well, he said that there's a temple near here. I'm going to check that out first.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

Why weren't you there? You were supposed to be there. 

I should've been faster. This is my fault. 

---

Dear Zelda, 

Eldin is really hot. Fi says that the red stuff is melted rock, can you believe it? 

I met these strange creatures called the mogma– they were pretty nice! Not very helpful, though, but one of them said he saw a person in black– is that you? I don't know why you would be wearing black, though.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

…She was right. I was too late. I couldn't save you. I can't save you. I was so scared that Ghirahim had gotten you when I saw the chains, but she protected you while I– while I did what? What was I doing that I could've avoided to reach you faster?

I hope you're okay, wherever you are.

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

The desert is hot and dry during the day. It's cold during the night. There's sand in my boots and my bag and everywhere else. I don't like it here.

I thought about flying my beetle over the wall, just to see if you were alright, but– I realized that since you collapsed it, then you didn't want to see me.

It's okay. I understand. I'm not a very good hero after all, am I?

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

I don't talk much anymore. No one on Skyloft believes me, and I learned that it's better to just shut up. I don't think I've spoken to anyone but Fi in months. Maybe that's for the best. I never have anything that's worth saying, anyway.

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

Where are you? Fi said she can't sense you, and that you're in a different world now. 

You didn't have to flee, I could've protected you! I know I'm not the best, or the strongest, or the fastest, but I'm enough! I'd do anything to protect you because I love you

…It doesn't matter, I guess. You're gone already. I hope you're safe.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

…I don't know what to say anymore. Everything feels so different, like– like I'm changing, and you're changing, and when we meet again we won't recognize each other. 

I'm scared of that. You're really all I have left, you know? My only real friend anymore. You were the only one who reached out to me after my parents died, and… I just don't want to lose you.

…I don't know why I brought that up. It's not important.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

This is taking too long. I asked Fi why I couldn't just learn the song, but she said that I would need to learn more later, and it would be easier this way. I don't see how. I've already wasted a month learning how to play this stupid harp. It doesn't help that Groose is still stuck down here because the statues only work for me.

Din's fire, my fingers hurt. How were you not constantly complaining when you were learning?

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

What the hell was that? What the hell was that thing?

I… I can't do this. Am I supposed to kill that thing? Is that what the goddess wants me to do?

She's wrong. She messed up. I'm not– brave, or courageous, or whatever else the old woman calls me. I'm not a hero, I'm just a scared boy and I don't know what to do because they're all wrong and they're looking at me to help them but I can't! 

It was… terrifying. Every step it took made the ground shake, and it had so many teeth. Its scales were sharp, and every time I touched one it cut through my skin like it was paper. I could feel its power from the top of the pit, and… gods, I really thought it would kill me. 

The old woman– Grannie, that’s what Groose calls her– said that it would probably break out again. I don't know how I'm supposed to face it again.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

I’ve got the first flame. Groose is still stuck on the Surface.

He's been weirdly quiet ever since he saw me fight off the Imprisoned. Or maybe it's just because he saw me stitching myself up, and my scars are too ugly even for him. 

I'm surprised he hasn't started calling me crazy yet. Everyone else does, when they think I can't hear them. I always hear them I know I'm not. I can't be. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes but I'm not. 

Link (why am I even signing these?)

---

Dear Zelda,

I've always known that the robots were broken down, and would probably never be able to come back to life, but it never really sunk in until now.

I met one named Skipper. He's used to guard the flame, and he's helping me find his ship. We had to stop at his home to get a map, and I saw his family. They were broken, of course.

I'd never really thought of them as people until now, but there were pictures on the wall, and a letter from his kid– and I guess robots can have kids, and spouses. I wish there had been some way I could bring them down– but he knew there wasn't. He just looked at me, clearly sad even if his face didn't change. 

I don't know why it's bothering me so much. They've been dead for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years. 

Maybe it's better that I couldn't bring them down. It would just make it worse, right? There's no way to fix them, and they would've just been stuck on the boat like Skipper is. It doesn't stop me from feeling useless, though, and like I could've done more. 

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

It's been one year since you've fallen. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. They pull their kids away when they see me.

I don't blame them. My hair's grown out and I haven't brushed it in months. I carry a bunch of strange weapons. I don't remember the last time I bathed that wasn't in a river, and it's been even longer since I used soap. I'm covered in bloody bandages most of the time, and my clothes are more patches than they are the original fabric. I don’t even talk anymore; it’s like I’m some sort of– wild thing.

I looked in a mirror yesterday. I don't think you'll recognize me. My eyes looked wild and I'm covered in scars. Fi says they'll fade, but I don't believe her. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still Hylian, or if I'm just a breaking sword.

Would you still love me? I don't think so

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

I’ve got the final flame. Ghirahim– he knows about the second Gate. I’m worried he’ll make it into the temple one day, and find you. If I’d been faster, maybe he never would’ve found it, and you’d be safe.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

It has arms now. The Imprisoned– it broke out again. The seal is getting weaker. 

It was just as terrifying as the last time– and even more powerful. And it was faster, too. I barely managed to defeat it before it reached the temple. 

Groose built this catapult, to throw bombs. He's smarter than we ever gave him credit for. I don't think I would've been able to stop it without his help. I was scared he was going to die, though; the bombs he was handling were huge, and the ground was shaking constantly– it wouldn't have been hard for something to happen.

I haven't let him out of my sight since then. I'm– I'm so scared that I'm going to lose one of the only people I have left. He doesn’t even care that I barely talk to him anymore.

Would you– would Hylia take him from me? Because you think he's a distraction from what I'm supposed to be doing? 

Goddesses, my hands are still shaking.

Link

---

Did I ever really know you? Was it all just a lie? Did you– did you kill my parents, so that I had to be close to you? Were you just laughing at me the entire time, at this stupid boy that actually thought he had a friend?

I don't know what to think. I loved you. I still do. I should be angrier but I'm not and it's all just not right and I wish we could go back to how it used to be, even if it was just a lie.

---

Dear Zelda, 

I hurt Crimson today. He got hit when we were fighting Levias's parasite. 

It's my fault. It was shooting these… things at me and I was hitting them back with my sword and I missed and I hit Crimson and it's my fault. 

We're stuck on this island until he heals. It's probably going to be a couple of days, since no one is going to come look for me. Everyone is more surprised when I'm there than when I'm gone.

It should've been me that got hit

He's not mad at me, but he should be. I always mess things up.

Goddesses, I hope he's okay. I… don't know what I would do without him. I know most people can survive the death of their loftwing, but… I don't think I would be able to. I already feel like I'm losing more of myself everyday, I can't lose half of my soul like that.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

Groose is a lot nicer than he used to be. He even helped patch me up without calling me a loser. His face was all red when I took my shirt off, though. I think he's getting sick. I'll have to tell Granny about it.

It's… nice to have someone that knows. Fi knows everything, of course, but it's just not the same. Even if we never really liked each other… goddess, I'm just glad that someone from Skyloft believes me. He's even becoming a friend, I think. 

We fought the Imprisoned again today. It was just as terrifying as before– even more so. It started flying, and Groose barely managed to shoot it down in time. One time, he even had to shoot me at it. It feels like it’s breaking out faster and faster every time– are you weakening because I’m taking too long?

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

I can't do this anymore 

I'm tired

Why me why did it have to be me

I talked to Faron today. She's split the song up into these things called tadtones. I need to collect them before she'll teach me her part.  

It's going to take a while. They're all over the forest. She flooded it too, so I'll have to do all of it underwater. 

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

I lost Fi. 

It was stupid. I came down right when the volcano erupted, and– I’m not sure what happened, exactly, but I got knocked out and captured by bokoblins. They took all of my stuff, including Fi– and I was terrified. There was smoke everywhere, and they had watchtowers set up, and I never realized how much I relied on her until she was gone.

Eldin was polite– or at least, he didn’t threaten to eat me like Faron does. All that’s left is one more part.

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

I think this is going to kill me

---

Dear Zelda,

The desert is still awful, but at least there’s nothing going wrong here. I don’t know how much you can hear, but I went through the Gate again. Lanayru was dying, and he needed me to get him a cure. Maybe that counts as something going wrong, but it doesn’t feel like it; Faron’s trial and losing Fi was much worse. 

He said that he could help me relive my memories, some of the battles I’ve gone through, and if I do enough of them, he’ll give me an “absurdly sturdy shield”. I don’t really know if I can do it because some of it still terrifies me, but I need to get stronger, and this is a good way to do it.

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

I got the final part of the song from Levias today. I'm opening the last Silent Realm tomorrow.

I'm scared. I'm tired of the guardians killing me. It hurts so much. Why did you make it hurt so much

You'll be home soon.

Link

---

Dear Zelda, 

It's been two years since you've fallen. It’s the first time I’ve stayed on Skyloft for more than a few days, and everyone is giving me strange looks. Maybe they think I've given up, that I've come to my senses, and I'll stop acting so crazy.

I'm not crazy. I'm not. If it was all in my head then I wouldn't have so many scars and I wouldn't hurt all the time and I wouldn't be so tired.

I was going to tell you I loved you, before you were taken. I was going to ask if you wanted to go on a date with me. 

I still do. But it's been too long. Both of us have changed too much. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been such a coward.

I've found two pieces of the Triforce. All that's left is a room full of enemies, and I'm just waiting to get more arrows. Rupin hasn’t asked what I’m doing with them all– I don’t know if he just doesn’t care, or if something about me scares him too much to ask.

Link

---

Dear Zelda,

I'm sitting next to you right now. You've barely changed, but I look so different. My hands are calloused and shake when I write. Yours are still soft. 

I'm just waiting for the potions to start working, and then I'm going to leave. I don't think I'll survive, but I hope I'll injure him enough that you can kill him. 

I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person. There are more letters for you, in my room on Skyloft. There's blood on some of them; I hope it's not too hard to read. I would have rewritten them, but I've been spending all of my rupees on potions. I'm not really sure why I kept wasting money on paper, because I never really intended to give them to you after the first few, but you might as well have them now.

I hope you can forgive me for being a failure. Maybe it'll be better this way. I barely feel like a person anymore.

If you need a friend, talk to Groose. He's… a pretty okay guy, now. You can depend on him.

Link

---

Dear Zelda and Groose, 

I hope you're both doing well. Pipit's little messenger birds are getting faster– my letter should reach you just in time.

How are you doing? Zelda, I hope you're not overworking yourself again. Groose, try not to stay up all night working on your inventions. Both of you, take care of yourselves. My scars have been doing better, lately. I think it just storms too much in Faron (really, did we have to build the settlement there?). In an unrelated note, do any of your goddess powers involve controlling the weather?

Skipper is doing good! We just got the crystal set up, so now his family can move back home. I think if robots could cry, they all would be. I know I was a little teary. I'm glad they can finally go home. I think Fi would’ve really liked this– she always seemed a bit sad whenever we had to talk to one of the robots.

This is my last piece of paper, so I'll have to end it here. Send some more when you reply, okay? (Just don’t make your letters too long– that poor little bird looked like it was about to collapse when it found me.)

Love, 

Link

P.S. Which one of you keeps taking my hat out of my bag? I need that!

@zelinkcommunity

[annaraebananawriter]

Heeyyyy idk if ur still doing the sentence prompts but like… am i supposed to just let you go?… but with Dream and Nightmare would be 😩👌 just saying 👀🥺👉👈

That's a very good pairing, I agree.

And if we twist it around a bit to make it Dream talking to a ghost/hallucination of Passive Nightmare...well, we'll just have to see how that plays out, won't we?

The only real warning here is Dream living in a state of denial. But we already knew he did that, really, so is it really a warning? But if I missed any other things I should've warned about, please let me know!

Happy reading!! Prompt is italicized.

~oOo~

Dream doesn't tend to pay too much attention to him anymore. He used to, back at the beginning, when he was still in freefall and catching up. Before everyone gave them the looks and made him feel guilty of something. Doing something shameful, something embarrassing. He used to cling and whimper and try to hug him and try to get anyone else to see him. They would all give him these pitying eyes and gently coax him into switching topics.

It made him feel crazy. It made him feel broken. Maybe he was.

But whether real or just a figment of his imagination, after finding that hundreds of years have passed and your brother now hates you and wishes you dead, after finding your friends and being thrust upon yet another pedestal--if all of this happened and you had a ghost lingering over your shoulder that looked like your brother back when he was yours and yours alone, wouldn't you want to cling to him, too? Wouldn't you do everything possible to somehow make this ghost real and tangible?

Nighty always vanished when Nightmare was around, anyway. It wasn't hard to separate the two. There was his brother, his Nighty, who was always with him, just as he should be and then there was Nightmare, a painful reflection that sounded like his brother, but acted so differently and glared at him with too many negative emotions. When he was doubting himself and what he believed, he closed his eyes and reminded himself of this, how this was proof that Nightmare was not his brother and Nighty was they needed saving and only he could save them because only he knew of Nighty's existence.

Why else would he even exist? Why else would he sleep with a shadow above him? Why would Nighty comfort him during thunderstorms while Nightmare was off safe and sound back at his base? Why else would Dream be here, now, if not for the sole purpose of fixing things?

And he would fix this. He has to.

"You're doing it again."

Dream opens his eyes, giving up on feigning sleep. Rolling over, he finds Nighty sitting next to him, transparent hand hovering over his head. Upon their eyes meeting, his brother retracts it.

"Getting lost," Nighty clarifies, even though he didn't need to bother. He always said this. "I told you to stop. It isn't healthy."

Dream hums. People said that about talking to Nighty in the first place. But if he didn't, he wouldn't have had the strength to be here now. It gives him a purpose, something to fight for. Without Nighty, who was he?

"Dream," Nighty says, sounding stern. "Stop."

"I'm not doing anything."

"You're making things harder."

"People said that about you." Dream says, letting himself fall on his back to stare at the ceiling. It was easier to avoid feeling vulnerable this way. "Remember? They said you were--are, I guess--a hallucination my mind conjured after being traumatized. I couldn't bear to let you go, so I created you as company. They wanted me to forget you."

Nighty is silent for a moment. "Maybe they were right."

He's brought this up before. It felt like betrayal, the first time his brother hesitated and suggested everyone else was right. It's eased over the years, but it still stung. Dream closes his eyes. "Please. Don't do this again."

"I have to try. You won't listen to anyone else."

"Because they're wrong."

"Because you don't want them to be right."

"Same thing."

"You don't want me to not be real. You don't want to be hurt by the past. You don't want to accept that things have changed, your brother has changed."

Dream opens his eyes and looks back at Nighty. "Do you not want to be real?" He doesn't acknowledge the rest of what his brother said.

Nighty smiles sadly. "It doesn't matter what I want."

"So, what?" Dream says, closing his eyes again against the burn of tears. "Am I just supposed to let you go? You're not some hallucination, Nighty. You're real. You're real." It sounded like he was trying to convince himself instead of Nighty.

"You could...talk to him." Nighty offers, saying the words carefully.

Him. Nightmare.

Dream makes himself scoff. "No thanks. Nightmare isn't you."

"How do you know that?"

How does he, indeed?

Because Nighty is kind and good and comforting. He gets lost in libraries whenever Dream helps around in one, rambling about books and getting excited over new ones. He has read so many books because his brother has begged him to get them. Nighty is his brother, just as funny and smart as he always was.

Nightmare, on the other hand, is cruel and a killer and mean. He is mocking and insulting and just wrong. It doesn't matter that he always keeps an eye on his boys, turning back at the first sight of one of them being hurt. It doesn't matter that, despite saying he hates him and claiming he wants him dead, he has never fatally wounded Dream, not yet. It doesn't matter that he's seen Nightmare out of fights, when his brother hasn't noticed him, and he's buying new books and laughing and is just--just...happy.

It doesn't matter because it's not real. Nightmare is a facade, something to hide that his brother is lost and scared and in need of help. In need of saving. Nighty is a ghost, yes, but he's...

He's here. Nighty is here, right beside him.

That's all the proof Dream wants.

Dream swallows, turning away. He pulls the blanket up around his chin. "I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight."

Luckily, Nighty doesn't say anything else. Only sighs. "Goodnight, Dream. Sweet dreams." And then he falls silent, ready to wait until he wakes up. He always waits.

Usually, anyway.

Sometimes, when they have talks like this, Nighty is gone when he wakes up. But he always comes back. Because he's Nighty, not Nightmare. He's his brother. He'll always come back for him. He has to. He has to.

[amberlynnmurdock]

New Love, New Haven

CHAPTER TWO: My Older Brother’s Best Friend 

Pairing: Ben Tallmadge x Original Female Character 

Chapter Summary: Sadie meets Nathan’s friends at the tavern. 

Author’s Note: Too long! But in brief, I had so much fun writing this chapter. I hope you enjoy it! 

Archive of Our Own Link

September 1772

Sadie woke up right at the crack of dawn to read the notes Nathan had given her. She was far too tired to stay up by candlelight last night, and since tonight would be another late night (perhaps even later) she knew that morning would be the best time to get some studying in.

Her room had a perfect view of Yale University. In the tavern downstairs, Sadie could only get a peek at the front of the building. From her room that resided above, she could see the top of the building—the building’s bell tower. She thought that an early morning like this was when Yale looked its most beautiful—a soft, golden glow coming up on the front of the gothic architecture.

The other side of her room had her wooden desk, paper, and quill. She wrapped a blanket around her cold shoulders and tiptoed on the hardwood floors. She lit a candle and pulled out Nathan’s notes on John Locke.

Two hours passed, and the sun was finally completely out. Sadie immersed herself in Nathan’s notes, reading about Locke’s origin and how he became one of the philosophers of the Enlightenment. A lot of his sentiments echoed, or at least resembled, what she’d sometimes hear her brother say in private, about things in this new world. Things like property, taxes, freedom… it was no wonder Nathan was getting a bit more passionate when he spoke, and it’s because of material like this, that was inspiring him. Inspiring her.

☆☆☆☆

By evening, Sadie was preparing the bar for closure, or so her father thought. She pretended to be stacking glasses away, when really, she was saving about five of them for herself, Nathan, and his friends.

“Sadie, what’s takin’ ya so long, stackin’ em…oh, never mind,” Richard’s words slurred as he brought a basket of bread to the back. Sadie suppressed the smile she had and tucked a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

“What was that, Pa?” Sadie asked, mustering the most innocent voice she could.

Richard waved his hand, “oh…I don’t know, I think I am feeling a bit logy, I suppose…” his voice trailed off as he leaned on the bar counter. “Sadie, dear, there’s not much people left,” Richard began, eyes half closed, putting a hand to his forehead. Sadie glanced at the floor—there was absolutely no one left in the tavern. Seems the chamomile worked fast.

“Do ya—do ya mind closing up and cleanin’ up for me? I’ll letcha off for the night tomorrow I just—your Pa’s not young anymore.” Sadie, stifling a giggle, walked to her father’s side and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Of course, Pa. Go get some sleep, I’ll lock up and be fine down here,” Sadie urged her father, anxious for him to be in bed. She didn’t expect him to offer her the next night off, which was a pleasant surprise. She’d worry about what she could do with her free night later.

Richard walked sluggishly up the steps. Sadie watched from around the corner of the staircase as her father ascended into his room. Once she heard the door shut, she waited about another five minutes, before she herself quietly crept up the stairs. As soon as she heard a loud, rattling snore from inside his room, Sadie knew it was safe to continue downstairs.

Sadie made sure there was more than enough ale in the barrel and prepped a few tin cans to be used. The bread basket her father left out on the table, Sadie figured the boys would be hungry after God knows what goes on in a drama club. Smiling to herself, Sadie put the bread basket at the front of the bar, for anyone to grab from.

As she walked across the floor to secure the lock on the door, Sadie caught a glimpse of herself on an old, dainty mirror that hung on the wall. She paused—and momentarily panicked. She didn’t normally care about how she looked, since she only ever saw her father and Nathan. Her hair was in a simple braid that fell down the back of her neck, reaching right between her shoulder blades. A few pieces in the front were tucked out, framing her face beautifully. Sadie ran her fingers through them, brushing them out. There, that should do. It didn’t matter to her if she looked nice—she was there to be entertained, not to impress anyone.

Reaching the door, Sadie grabbed the latch but paused when she heard a commotion outside.

“Fill me a bowl, a mighty bowl,” a group of young men shout-sang in the street. Their voices became louder the closer they got, “large as my capacious soul!”

The group of young men all had their arms around each other’s shoulders, surely drunk already and trying not to let the other step out of bounds. Sadie giggled, realizing it was Nathan and his friends. She watched from a distance as they kept skipping down the cobblestone road, their singing starting to slur and go off-key.

Sadie saw that one of his friends had a glass bottle in his hands. He was swinging it about, rather carelessly, and on the last swing, the bottle slipped from his hands, up onto and into a window, shattering glass everywhere.

The boys froze in their steps, mouths agape at the sight of their friend’s destruction.

“Oh, nice goin’, Benny,” one of them teased. The four of them burst out laughing, but their laughs quickly fizzled out when an angry old man came running to the window atop.

“You imbecile children, you’ll pay for that—stay right there!” An old man, with a white mustache, yelled from the broken window.

“RUN!” Nathan shouted at the top of his lungs, "follow me!”

Just as the old man turned away, presumably to follow them outside, Nathan and his three friends booked it for the tavern. Sadie held the door open and ushered the young men inside, quickly latching the door shut and locking it. Nathan and his friends crouched under the windows as Sadie kept watch for the old man.

She watched as the disgruntled old man ran outside his building, in nothing but a robe and loafers, looking around the street, scratching his head. Sadie did feel bad for the old man, and would definitely make her older brother pay for the damages. The old man walked back inside to her relief.

Suddenly, strong arms grab Sadie around her waist and she yelps in surprise, as the person spins her around and gently drops her to her feet. When Sadie realizes it’s her older brother, Enoch, she squeals in surprise.

“Enny!” Sadie calls, giving her oldest brother a hug. “You’re back from York City!” Sadie didn’t even see her brother when they all walked in—she must’ve been too focused on getting them out of sight.

“Indeed I am,” Enoch replies, with a big smile. His fluffy brown hair bounced as he shimmied his coat off, and dropped it on a wooden table. Sadie, looking at her brothers now suspiciously, and then their two friends, squinted her eyes.

“Quite an entrance comin’ back, from you,” Sadie raised an eyebrow, “and are you the one who carelessly threw the bottle at that poor man’s window?”

“That would be me,” one of their friends, sheepishly admitted and raised a hand. Sadie immediately noted the young man’s tall stature—tall, but fell just a bit shorter than Nathan. He had golden brown hair, tied back a little carelessly (probably wound undone from all their drinking), he had a straight nose and chiseled cheekbones…and even in the dim lighting of the tavern, Sadie could see how blue the young man’s eyes were. To put it simply, Sadie was shocked he didn’t notice him before. She was honestly more shocked Nathan had such an attractive friend. The young man caught her eyes and smiled a bit shyly, and Sadie, blushing (but hoping the dim lighting of the tavern hid it) looked away to meet Nathan instead.

“Oh, Benny, don’t be bashful, we’ve all done it before,” Nathan laughed, patting a hand on ‘Benny’s’ shoulder. “I’ll introduce ya to my sister,” Nathan, obviously buzzed, walked his two friends over to Sadie to introduce them to her. Sadie, trying her best to not meet ‘Benny’s’ eyes, focused on her brother.

“Sadie, these are my two absolute scoundrel friends, Mr. Asher Wright and Mr. Benjamin Tallmadge,” Nathan announced as if he were a speaker at a conference. Sadie laughed at her brother and looked at his friends.

“Very nice to meet you, Ms. Sadie Hale,” the one named Asher introduced himself. Asher was just as blonde as Nathan and close in height. She does remember Nathan telling her about his close childhood friend, but never got a chance to meet him, until now. Sadie nodded and smiled.

“Pleasure to meet you Ms. Hale, and I apologize for causing a ruckus outside,” Benjamin stated, grabbing Sadie’s attention by the pleasant softness of his voice, although his words did slur a bit, which made Sadie laugh—second by second she was growing more comfortable around these strange men. But if they were friends with Nathan, she knew they had to be good people, anyway.

Sadie nodded curtly, not wanting to just be seen as the younger Hale sister. And she certainly didn’t want to be seen as submissive.

“Well then, since you so graciously admitted to the crime of that poor man’s window, I’ll see it fit to send you the bill in the morning,” Sadie quipped, placing her hands on her hips. Benjamin, a little startled at Sadie’s forwardness, stuttered to Nathan’s amusement.

“Well, uh—yes, I do suppose that is what is fair and right—“ Benjamin raised his eyebrows and nodded, not knowing if Sadie was being serious or not.

“‘Though she be but little, she is fierce,’” Nathan quoted Shakespeare as he nudged Benjamin in the ribs. Benjamin smiled, returning the nudge to Nathan. Realizing that these were the Hales he was dealing with, Benjamin broke his serious response and squinted his eyes at Sadie.

“I know you lot are jus’ takin the mick at me,” Benjamin realized. Sadie laughed, also breaking her serious nature, and both she and Nathan gave each other a knowing look. “I can’t take you Hales, you’re entirely too much.”

“Well, if you can’t handle us, Benjamin, then the door is right over there. More ale for us then, huh?” Sadie quipped as she began to walk to the bar. Nathan, Asher and Enoch made their way to the bar stools while Benjamin still stood, shocked at the young lady’s quick answers.

Sadie grabbed five glasses and lined them up on the bar. Benjamin slowly walked over, a little intimidated by the three Hales now. He chose his seat at the end on the far right, next to Asher.

“So, are you going to tell me about this drama club of yours now?” Sadie inquired as she began pouring the ale into each glass. Nathan took his glass and swiveled it so the liquid would bubble.

Sadie passed each class to the young men. When she passed a glass to Benjamin, he caught her eyes again, and gave a small smile of thank you—none of the others had thanked her. Sadie gave a slight nod in return, quickly making her way back to the middle.  

“Well, ya know, we just sort of… lollygag, if you will,” Asher explains as Nathan and Enoch hold their glasses to their lips and suppress a laugh. Sadie was amused but she was getting tired of their beating around the bush. She had to know, dammit!

“C’mon,” Sadie pleaded, raising her own glass to her lips and sipping the ale.

“If you must know, dear young, Ace of Sades,” Nathan put on another fake presenter voice, “we practice the art of theater, of course, and tonight we decided to do a rendition of the famous tragedy, Cato,” Nathan raised his glass and the others mirrored his action. They all took a swig of the ale as Sadie remained curious about the choice of play.

“But you are all in such high spirits, why would you choose such a tragedy?” Sadie asked them.

“Because, Sadie, it is our rendition of the play that makes it fun. Of course, we pay our respects to the original, it is a phenomenal piece of work, but tonight, well…” Enoch trailed off, reaching for a piece of bread from the bowl Sadie took from her father.

“Hmm,” Sadie mused, “sounds like it started like serious work until someone brought out some alcohol.”

“That someone would be Ben,” Asher revealed, causing everyone to look at Benjamin. Sadie grinned as she saw Benjamin get flustered by the attention—was he always this flustered, or was it the alcohol?

“Nemo saltat sobrius,” Sadie accidentally slipped out, looking at Benjamin. She didn’t know how Nathan’s friends would react to her knowing about his studies, and she’s been waiting to find the perfect moment to use a common Latin phrase. Sadie blushed and quickly sipped her ale to hide her reaction.

Benjamin, looking taken aback, was impressed at Sadie’s use of the language.

“You know Latin?” Benjamin genuinely inquired. He didn’t know one woman around him that spoke Latin.

“Not the whole language—just what I can remember,” Sadie humbly replied.

“My little—“ Nathan began until Enoch nudged him in the chest.

“Our,” Enoch corrected. Sadie laughed.

“Our little sister is a very bright young lady. I think she studies my notes more than I do,” Nathan chided, bragging about Sadie. It was nice to feel supported by her older brothers in her wanting to pursue education when it felt like the world was against her. She was lucky to have them; she can’t say if anyone else’s brothers would be that supportive of a young woman wanting to learn.

“Not only that but she also secretly fed our father a little too much chamomile, causing him to turn in early so we could have the tavern to ourselves,” Nathan stated. Sadie looked at him in shock that he would reveal such a thing. She didn’t want his friends to think she was some sort of witch!

“Nathan! Gosh—please don’t be alarmed, my father is fine, chamomile is very calming and healthy,” Sadie quickly clarified. Benjamin and Asher laughed, which caused Sadie’s worst fears to quickly wash away.

“Should we be concerned about what’s in this ale, then?” Benjamin examined his glass and looked at Sadie teasingly. Sadie, stupefied at Benjamin’s return for the quick wit, didn’t know how to respond—and she was not sure if it was because of the look he was giving her, or that he really did get her back. His blue eyes danced with mischief and she pursed her lips, letting him win.

☆☆☆☆

The rest of the night consisted of more ale being poured, and more stories of their drama club shenanigans. Sadie found a seat at the bar, next to Benjamin. Maybe it was the ale, but she found herself gravitating toward his presence. She wasn’t afraid to make herself known among Nathan and Enoch’s friends. Benjamin wasn’t an exception.

He gladly welcomed her presence as well. It was casual enough since their attention was now focused at the front of the tavern, watching Enoch and Nathan recite lines from another Shakespeare play.

“And, this is when Ben put on a wig to play Titania, Queen of the Fairies,” Nathan could barely get any word out from laughing too hard—this was clearly a moment that one had to witness, Sadie thought, but she laughed along nonetheless. Benjamin laughed too, unfazed by the fact his embarrassing moments were being revealed.

“It was quite a nice wig,” Benjamin argued, taking another sip from his glass.

“It was a horrendous wig,” Enoch retorted.

“I guess it’s all subjective, then,” Benjamin replied. Nathan and Enoch went on about something else, and Asher joined in the conversation, but Sadie’s attention now fell on the young man that sat beside her.

She felt a strange inkling that one of them was waiting for the other to speak, and she didn’t know why. This was her older brother’s best friend, for God’s sake! She was half uncomfortable that she kept questioning herself around him, but the other half was so curious about him, genuinely, because she had never really conversed with the opposite sex about education, except her brothers, but Benjamin piqued her curiosity from the moment she laid eyes on him.

“So, Benjamin,” Sadie spoke her thoughts aloud. When she said his name, her heart jumped, wondering if she shouldn't have started a conversation at all, and then she realized he kept his gaze on his friends. Perhaps he didn’t hear me?

Anxiously, Sadie spoke again, “Benjamin,” she said a bit louder.

Benjamin instantly brought his attention to her, startled by the young woman’s calling.

“I apologize, Sadie—I’m afraid this ale gets the better of my senses,” Benjamin held the glass up and swiveled the liquid. Sadie smiled in return.

“It’s all right, I understand,” Sadie replied awkwardly.

“You can call me Ben, by the way,” Ben told her. Sadie nodded.

“Okay, Ben,” she said, “what are you studying at Yale?”

Ben turned in his seat to face her more, and Sadie shifted, accidentally causing their knees to touch. Sadie felt a jolt in her chest at the contact, sitting a little back. Ben seemed to notice the contact as well, but he carried on.

“Well, there are plenty of subjects that are being taught currently,” Ben explained, placing the glass on the bar. Sadie sat up straight as Ben leaned over a bit, interlacing his fingers together as he thought aloud. Sadie saw a strand of his hair fall a little looser now. He looked at the ground as he spoke.

“We’ve got Latin—which you are quite well-versed in—also Greek and Hebrew. Really, it depends on the season of school. We’ve learned geometry, which I am not quite a fan of, but this season it is astronomy,” Ben met her eyes and looked so deeply into hers. Breaking the contact quickly, Sadie sipped from her almost empty glass.

“Astronomy?!” Sadie repeated excitedly. Ben smiled softly and nodded. “I don’t think Nathan’s brought those notes to me yet. But that sounds quite fascinating,” Sadie remarked, sighing a bit.

Ben noticed the change in her posture and sat quietly for a moment. As she looked away to watch her brothers and Asher fool around, Ben studied her for a moment, as if in trance. She was young, but she was beautiful—not to mention his best friend’s little sister—but he didn’t see anything wrong with a friendship. And Ben couldn’t deny he was struck by her first impression just earlier in the night. Perhaps he may have underestimated when Nathan told him his younger sister would be hanging with them that night—he didn't expect her to have such a presence, and he felt slightly guilty for making that judgment prematurely.

“I’d be happy to bring you some of my astronomy notes,” Ben offered to Sadie, sitting up a bit more straight now. Sadie’s attention was pulled back to Ben again, her eyes widening in surprise.

“Really? I mean, are you sure? I would hate for you to not have them in time for an exam,” Sadie reasoned, but this was the only time a thought like that came into her mind—she never minded it when she stole Nathan’s notes.

Ben shrugged and leaned in a bit closer to Sadie. “To be honest, it’s not anythin’ I haven’t learned before, so I would be glad to give them to someone who may find them more useful.”

“Okay,” Sadie replied, not being able to contain her excitement. Ben smiled at her enthusiasm. “How will you get them to me?”

That was a good question, Ben thought. He could have Nathan bring them to her, but for some reason, that made him uncomfortable. Ben could come to the tavern himself, but then Nathan might see him—and now Ben was wondering why this had to be hidden at all.

“How would you like me to get them to you?” Ben asked instead.

Sadie looked around thoughtfully, when her eyes landed on Nathan, still laughing and drinking. She, too, for some reason, didn’t want Nathan to be the bearer of the notes.

“I don’t mind if you drop them off here, or if we meet somewhere in town…”

“Okay,” Ben agreed, “We can meet at Chapel Street, as soon as my last class is over, at about four o’clock.”

“Alright,” Sadie smiled, “Thank you, Ben. I truly appreciate it.”

☆☆☆☆

The night was starting to come to an end, at around one in the morning. Nathan helped Sadie flip the barstools on top of the bar. Enoch rinsed the glasses out. Asher and Ben waited at the door with their coats.

The Hale siblings made their way to the front to say goodbyes. Enoch picked up Sadie once more and spun her around, causing her to laugh.

“I am glad you are back safe from York City, Enny,” Sadie said.

Nathan gave Sadie a salute, something he always did to his little sister, and thanked her again for keeping the tavern open.

“Sweet dreams, Ace of Sades, and until next time,” Nathan stated.

Asher waved goodbye, and Ben tipped his tricorn, locking his eyes with Sadie a bit longer.

“Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Hale,” Ben softly declared.

“Perhaps I’ll see you—all—again,” Sadie replied, catching herself. Ben grinned, and only Sadie saw it.

The four of them began to trickle out, with Ben being the last of them to leave. Just as he saw his three friends slightly ahead of him, Ben stopped in his tracks and looked at Sadie.

“Ben, did you forget something?” Sadie asked.

“Nitimur in vetitum,” Ben whispered, his blue eyes bright in the moonlight. The moonlight cast a shadow on half of his face, accentuating his chiseled features.

Sadie squinted her eyes when she translated what he said. And before she could reply, he was already off with his friends. She couldn’t help but ponder his use of the phrase—her yearning for education when it wasn’t allowed, or something else entirely.

We strive for the forbidden.

[authortobenamedlater]

@ladyknightskye tagged me.

Your name: Around here I go by AuthorToBeNamedLater or ATBNL.

Your first fandom(s): In terms of interest, Star Trek TNG. In terms of fandom engagement, seaQuest DSV.

Your current fandom(s): I measure “current fandom” in terms of “currently writing fic,” so Halo and The Mandalorian. Fandoms I love and post about here in rotation: Star Trek, Star Wars, MCU, Babylon 5, NCIS.

How did you first get into fandom? I honestly don’t remember a time when I wasn’t “into fandom” in some way? I suppose I really jumped in when I found FFN.

How long have you been engaging in fandom spaces?: Before you were born 😂 I found FFN very shortly after its launch in 1998.

How often do you read fanfics?: More often than I should LOL.

Top three characters from your current fandom(s): Is this three from each fandom or three altogether? I’ll go with the latter.

Cortana + John, Roland + Lasky (AIs and their humans are a package deal in my world), Kai.

Mando, Bo-Katan, Cara Dune because Cara is still in my Mandalore’s Reluctant Royals AU and if I ever get past the mental block of losing all my WIPs, she has a very important role to play.

Have you ever written fic for a fandom?: Only close to 100 between my FFN and AO3. Not counting the little snippets and micro fics I’ve shared only on Tumblr.

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom?: Aside from the Shadow vessel sponge painting I did in eighth grade art class, no. I’d like to change that though, because some of my off the wall AUs could do with visual content.

Share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: Captain Shaw is married with kids and is a Chicago deep-dish pizza snob.

Tim McGee had an FFN account and probably has an AO3.

Thel ‘Vadam mixes up his English idioms Ziva David-style.

You’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them?: I am not showing ANYONE Halo, unless you come to me saying you want to watch it. And then I’m going to give you a bunch of caveats about how I’m obsessed with it but it’s really not that great except for when it is and you shouldn’t take it too seriously. Buckle up and grab your adult beverage of choice.

For game-verse Halo I’d show Johnson’s speech about the tank in Halo 2 because that’s what Mr showed me to rope me in.

Mandalorian, the first episode.

Babylon 5, I would start with the pilot movie if I could find it and then not let up until you’d watched five seasons of emotional roller coaster. I’d tell you what JMS said in the commentaries for Shattered Dreams and Sleeping in Light and Deconstruction of Falling Stars and how many of the actors died too young. After War Without End I would show you the video where JMS drops the bomb about why Michael O’Hare left the show. By the end of it you’d love the show but you might not love me anymore. 🤣

And finally, what does fandom mean to you?: A place where I can explore the highs and lows of the human experience in a safe environment. Sometimes I can put a little broken piece of myself into a fanfic or headcanon and not feel so broken anymore. I can “talk” about things in fiction that I can’t in real life.

A place where I can meet cool people whose paths I never would have crossed had we not been abnormal about a certain show or character. ❤️

Tagging all who see this!

[safetycar-restart]

Past experiences au with Pierre— how did you meet and how long did it take him to tell you he wanted to try a d/s relationship with you? Since he’d turned away from the community before he met you

Absolutely we can talk about this. We haven't spoken about this in AU in a while but it's so good and I'm very glad to bring it back! (Also reminder that I am a simp because I got embarrassingly excited at my sub sending me an ask)

Since we haven't spoken about this AU in a while, here's a brief summary of the premise of this AU for anyone new or anyone who. needs a reminder: in this AU, the driver mentioned has been in the BDSM scene before and had at least one dom before, but had been completely mistreated/had very bad experiences and the reader is the first dom to make them feel really safe and loved.

So with that out the way, let's talk about Pierre in the past experiences AU.

I think that Pierre would have dived head first into the BDSM community before you. He knew what he wanted and he just went for it.

That was the problem though. He immediately attracted a dominant who saw him as an easy target. Every in personal experience had with the BDSM community was controlled and orchestrated by this dom, everything he learnt and every opinion he had was shaped by this dom.

So when the dom told him that subs are supposed to listen to their Doms, that good subs never talk back or safeword, that the Doms pleasure is always more important, that subs dont get to have a say in the planning of the scene, etc. he just believed it. Because everything he learnt was from this dom and because he was so afraid of losing his only connection to the community.

But eventually it got too much for him. Eventually he couldn't stand the scenes or the relationship any longer, couldn't stand how he felt like he wasn't even a person anymore.

Except because of how the dominant had shaped him, he thought that the problem was that he just wasn't someone who could live the BDSM lifestyle, not that his old dominant was abusive and controlling.

So he moves away from the community and vows to never submit again, completely puts it all behind him and tries to act like everything is fine.

This means that when he met you and started dating you, he told you that he had no experience with kink and had no inclination to experiment with it. Which, fine. You just nod and move on.

Except that more and more, pierre's actions seem submissive to you?? He looks to you for guidance and gets relaxed when you offer him direction, he loves being manhandled during sex, always asking you what you want him to do and getting nervous when you expect him to take control.

But every time you ask him about it, he gets super defensive and very upset. That's what makes you think that he might actually have experience in the BDSM community and that the experience might have been very negative.

In the end I think that you have to be the one to bring it up, because I dont think that Pierre ever would. You sit Pierre down and tell Pierre that you're a dominant, that youre perfectly fine with the vanilla relationship you have now but that you want him to know that you have experience being a dom and would love to dom him if he was open to it.

Pierre panics, telling you that he refuses to go back there and that he can't do it again. You're confused and ask what he's talking about and that's when he tells you what happened.

Your heart just breaks for him, because that's not at all what a good d/s relationship should be.

And when you describe to him the way you work, he just... he wants its so badly?

[softdarjeeling]

How are you doing? You don't post on any social media anywhere anymore.

i've addressed this subject elsewhere before but i suppose i can again. the internet or 'social media', used to be a safe haven for me and overall, a place to connect and meet with other queer, neurodivergent, or marginalized people. since having autism, other mental health disorders, past traumas, and my psychological state made it so that socially, i hardly fit in anywhere in physical life. i've always interpreted the internet as a wonderful resource for not only information but also to form and grow real connections, with being able to relate to seeking connections outside of physical life- for me, those being very, very limited and as i've gotten older and more mature, somehow even more limited. i don't post much on instagram anymore and i'm not sure if i plan to. i don't have a real purpose when it comes to sharing information about my life or my self. the only purpose that currently would exist is so that other people who feel the same as me could possibly connect with me, since they would understand my mannerisms best. otherwise i am okay with anything else passing in any form it wants to. there isn't a goal that i can achieve with posting that would be genuinely coming from my true self. nothing about me makes me more or less worthy than anyone else, no matter what i share online about my life or self, which is why i choose to keep it minimal in those spaces. i also notice and witness lot of depressing topics on social media and other places on the internet too, which i find redundant for even inhabiting that space. i'm surprised at myself for even taking up space online for as often as i have, as the means for me to even exist here has decreased greatly, even though there was a purpose behind why i was doing so. it's almost as if the chances of connecting with people has been taken away from me, simply because i am not grouped in with the majority of socially privileged people. another thing to consider and something that's not obviously relevant but is: there are many things about us as people that do not change. they don't change because psychologically, they are a part of our personality. these are deeply rooted traits that were created from social stimuli since birth. they can evolve over time to be strengthened. as in, we can rid ourselves of the pieces we don't like and enhance the ones we've built for ourselves over time as we've learned to navigate new environments. however, the story from where we came from and our make up never changes. it's really interesting to examine

that doesn't mean that there aren't facts about me worth sharing at all or that anything that i don't share isn't worth knowing- it just means that i feel a shift of freedom online now when i share my experiences. i post or share whatever i want, for the reasoning that i choose in that moment. with that being said, i'm doing alright, i'd like to think. the pet i had is not in my care anymore and she was the most interesting responsibility i had for some time. she kept me very busy. now that she's not with me anymore, i've reshifted my focus back to caring for myself, as it's really needed at this time. some days i've felt that i don't have enough to give myself but i understand why and it's frustrating because it is nothing that has to do with me personally; i can't control certain aspects of reality outside of my life that happen to affect me. my day to day life is what most people would probably consider boring. i read and i quietly sit, mostly- doing not much of anything. my seasonal depression can get bad when i don't have anything to really focus on, so i've been trying hold my inner child steadily throughout these months and tell myself that i am worth the care i am giving to myself. i'm already preparing for the worst by planning ahead and doing the best i can now, it's helpful. i hope you're doing alright, i appreciate your curiosity and concern!

[benjaminalphabet]

it’s so frustrating. i just want to feel normal and consistent within myself again. i feel like there are so many long conversations i need to have, there’s so much closure i never got with so many people. i’ve had so many epiphanies lately. i feel pathetic and empowered at the same time. i have so many multitudes and inconsistencies inside me, i think i could make even DeGrasse Tyson’s head roll. sometimes i feel like i never escape anyone, even when i’m the one who leaves.

my body has gone through war in april, i barely survived. i’m so proud of myself for surviving what i have, all i want is to talk about it, to write about it - but this void is so vast. i have lost so much that i thought was permanent, and trying to organize these new priorities is just so much pressure. i am not sure if the loneliness is user error, or a side effect of being in your 20’s, or if i’m just changing naturally and there’s nothing even interesting or unique about how i feel.

maybe i’m just on a lot of meds from the hospital still and i need to wait to come back to earth. all i know is that Richard Siken is wrong about so much. grief must romanticized, nihilism is nothing to be proud of. my poetry and prose may not rival Wordsworth or Coleridge but i know it is worth writing. i want a good life. i want to be content, i want wholesome things. i don’t see the enchantment in danger and dysphoria anymore. i love everyone i meet so overwhelmingly, i have so many dreams and i feel like they’re all starting to materialize in front of me. it’s exciting, it’s exhilarating, it’s rebirth. but. i am so scared my new life will cost me my old one.

i wish so many people would come back. i’m losing connections with people i used to think were made of nebulas. i have always known that all stars die, but the one’s i picked out to keep for myself were supposed to outlive me. i know it is selfish of me to stake claim on the sky, but my prayers were never answered. something had to be mine, even if it was only pretend. i know it isn’t a helpful narrative but i wish someone would do the work for me. i wish someone would send me the message of reconnection, i have written so many letters. i have never sent a single one. i have written so many soliloquies about faith and devotion, and i have been empty of religion for years. i wish someone would see the light i have worked so hard to cultivate- even though i know i cultivated it for myself. i know that i love myself, and i have worked so hard to get here. i know that my friends love me, and that i have done a good job. i know that these things should not matter, but even ladybugs huddle together for warmth in the winter. i have seen it, my house was invaded last fall. i know i have good intentions, i just wish they were enough. i wish i did not have to carry them alone.

i wish genocide would end. i wish war was nonexistent. i wish we could abandon violence. i wish clementines were always in season, and i wish someone would help me peel them because i always struggle with it. i wish i could fall in love, i wish i could be in a relationship worth being in. i wish my ex didn’t hurt me so bad, and one day i hope i’ll actually be over it. i wish everyone could be safe. i wish i wasn’t still in love with everyone i have ever lost. i wish my father was a real father, or at least i wish he would have tried to be. i wish i had a different last name. i wish someone would miss me when i left the room and ask where i went. i wish i could go back to that bar because it used to be my favorite place in this city. i wish i loved this city like i used to, but lately all i want is to leave it.

i wish astrology and god were both real at the same time. i wish we could invent cosmic energy and i wish dandelion seed wishes came true, and i wish coin flips were prayers and they always told the truth. i wish i had someone to talk to who would understand me and not just assign me the manic dream pixie narratives. i wish i could have sex with someone and not feel like a doll. i wish men would stop choking me, i wish someone would kiss me. i wish someone would have good intentions with my body. i wish i made better decisions. i wish i was a real person, but i think i might just be a character. i wish anyone would actually try to look beneath the surface, i really have never hidden that much. i am not a secretive person, but everyone has assumed me to be so callous. i don’t know why everyone thinks i am tough, i just want to be gentle.

[ducknotinarow]

[07 Summer Von :))))))))))))]

"Hey Sweetpea," Yvonne smiles, kind and knowing, her form a silhouette in the bedroom doorway as she waits for acknowledgement, "Do you mind if I have a small talk with you?"

When she's allowed, Yvonne walks into her room, careful of the various piles of organised chaos as she takes a seat on the bed,

"So, Casey told me about your boyfriend."

Wasn't so much that she was told, more like she had to deal with the idiots complaining about their baby not being a baby anymore, before Casey poorly hinted Yvonne goes and talks to Summer about all of this. Supposes it makes sense, she does end up having to give all sorts of talks to, well, of them,

"Congratulations, I'll need to meet this Aspen boy some day," She brushes passed it, "Now, I'm not here to lecture you about having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or anything else, you're a young lady and part of that is finding out what you like or don't like in a partner, or even if you like having one at all," Yvonne reassures, "What I am here to do though, is to tell you the best ways to remain safe while exploring all these new feelings and sensations."

Clasping all four hands together, she looks to Summer, still smiling as she asks,

"Now, so I know what I'm working with, I do need to ask Summer - how much do you already know about sex?"

Before Yvonne even got an answer, she already knew she was in for a very long afternoon.

| muse interaction

Summer had her stuffed hockey bear held to her chest as she just looked up at the wall. She felt restless to put it best. Everything was just such a mess. Part of her wonders if she should count her hockey pucks lucky however seeing how this compared to most others things was maybe tame at best. But sadly as with anything it meant she had to map out her emotions and thoughts over the matter neither she was all that great about and unfortunately despite her willingness to get into any scrap that came up. She also? Ran from anything to big to handle. Being stuff on an emotional level.

"Hey Sweetpea,"

Summers attetion shifted towards her doorway. Honestly anyone that wasn't one of her dad's right now. Moving to sit up now as she offer a faint sound of aknowldegment. A sort of grunt more than anything else. Summer had pick up some habits from her dad's and one of them was caveman talk.

"Do you mind if I have a small talk with you?"

Again another grunt was given for a response to her aunt. As she shifted to make space for them to claim a spot to rest, thinking about it her aunt was pretty helpful when it came to the whole 'Hey the guy that runs the purple dragons is your father and he's a fucking waste of a human bean and thanks to him you fucking exists and in a curl spin on the wheel of Karma. Casey the guys he'd tried to kill many times over took in the dragons spaw of a child.'

Summer may still be working through all that as well. She needed a pause button on life just to allpw.her a moment to think. She's not sure if a pause button should be allowed for years though.

"So, Casey told me about your boyfriend."

She takes it back she wants and needs thar pause button...maybe uncle.Donnie could make her one. Summer drops her fave into the plus of her hockey bear. "He ain't my boyfriend" Summer mummbles under her breath aginst the plush 'fur'.of her bear.

"Congratulations, I'll need to meet this Aspen boy some day,"

And clearly she didn't say that loud enough.

"Now, I'm not here to lecture you about having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or anything else, you're a young lady and part of that is finding out what you like or don't like in a partner, or even if you like having one at all," Yvonne reassures, "What I am here to do though, is to tell you the best ways to remain safe while exploring all these new feelings and sensations."

Summer suddenly lofted her head up at the mention of exploring here feelings. It was really the only part she kind of listened to a bit at the start as well but Summer couldn't even tell you if she was attracted to someone based on gender alone. Summer could really only tell you she liked hockey and if someone else like hockey they could talk about it. Better if they played. And Aspen did it was why they hung out so often. Even if she hates him at first we'll he was her rival for the captian spot so hate was a string word. But still.

Thus might be fine in the end then! She really had no idea how to explain well any of the mess she had suddenly found herself to be part of. Auntie Von was always a good person to turn to this was her saving grace, staring at her aunt as if the light from heaven was glowing around her even. Watching how her aunt took hold of all four of her own hands before getting that one look on her face. It was a bad look but it was a very 'on to bussniess' express if anything sort of like when your teacher knows they gotta get on to the lesson.

"Now, so I know what I'm working with, I do need to ask Summer - how much do you already know about sex?"

That hevaely glow was quick to dim as Summer pulled an expression at the question. "Ew gross why!" Was her mature response right now. She groned and fell back on to her bed pulling her bear in close to her chest. Taking back any spread of hope she had with her. Causing herself for thinking! This is what happens when you think!! No wonder Dad didn't do it.

"I already know 'bout the egg and Phillipino tubes!" Summer at least offers.

Jeez why did adults always jump to the sex talk! Summer wasn't thinking about sex!! She wasn't even sure how she felt about everything going on but everyone around her kept being werid before she even had a chance to try. Her dad's right away assuming she was dating Aspen and thinking him some gang punk member. Ariel was being werid in general. And now her aunt?! Summer groaned this fucking sucked. But she knows based of the misuse of the word philpeino. She and her aunt were in for a long talk. That Summer was going to hate every second of.

This was great.

[slautertm]

though from a young age she was taught the importance of conversations, it does not make the serious shit any easier. it's part of traveling with anyone and it's part of the reason why normally steph despised it. be it around a campfire or they are now, talking as they move onto another town. talking on the past, on open shit doesn't feel safe, but she supposed she should be glad that he is not mad at her for lying... but even so, the half-elf is far from expecting the words that leave his mouth.

“ you should be on the throne. ” @sleazeballtm says, and steph very quickly turns to him with raised brow and an chuckle leaving her mouth but it’s one that is far from amused, in fact there’s almost this sadness to it but steph does not address such, instead looking out, as far as she can from the man. she doesn’t dare meet his eyes as her mind roams in thought.

a time shortly after she would have said some cocky line on how the world would not be ready for her reign, or a smirk followed by a snarky all in time but she can’t lie to ted. she did not even anticipate telling anyone her own truth. so much has changed though very little is different. now she’s tense, trying to swallow down the emotion that brushes and presses against her throat to very little success. she sighed and tilted her head before she shrugged.

“ i am not certain that thus is my destined path anymore. for several reasons. ” and that, in her opinion, was putting it lightly. “ i am far from leader material, always have been, minor crimes i’ve committed or not. even when i was back there, ridiculously heavy dresses and jewelry and all i knew that, as did my people. ” she joked, looking at him at last before she exhaled, tearing her eyes out to the open land before them. “ and i like to see things, to be out here-" or was that not some sort of excuse of sorts? " …even so, if none of that is the case, i’m a deserter in a way, aren’t i? worse, i left them in their greatest hour of need. ” but she does not want to linger on that, instead raising an idea that has been lingering in her head. " when-" if, it lingers on her tongue, but even with a lack of hope, she is far to prideful to say it outloud. "- i get the chance to return, to kick my father and the fucking thing out... i have been trying to think on who could take over." or find who could, because she certainly had not done just that. all the same, it's a sad confession, and it's clear in the way she stares out at the open road. a much softer question comes out of her mouth after, though trusting, trying to play along with the vulnerable air.

" ... do you really think i could? "

[shorkbrian]

I swear I ain’t in it for the money, but I can’t stop thinking about sugar daddy shoto. Maybe he sweeps a cute little college kid or barista of their feet, just something fun and casual. But this man starts falling harder, needing a way to lock them down to him. Money isn’t quite cutting it anymore, so he decides fucking a baby into her would do the trick. Shoto would push her down into the mattress, large frame twisting her into a sweet mating press. This way they could stay together forever and Shoto would have absolutely no problem providing for his sweet family <3

but fr tho I feel like Shouto is NOT the type for kids.

Mans will tolerate them when they babble or wave at him, but he very actively Does Not Want them.

Always uses condoms, and even though he’ll threaten not to, it’s never a legit thought in his mind to cum inside. Shouto doesn’t want to be a dad.

-----

You’ll be sittin on a park bench, fading sunset dark and pretty in front of you yet all you can do is cry. There’s not really any people around so it’s not like you’re bothering anyone - you hadn’t wanted to cry in your shabby apartment (half the cause of your worries) just in case you received a noise complaint.

“Are you alright?”

A somber, smooth voice is heard. You’re swiping at your tears quickly as you look up, trying to laugh off your state of distress. “Oh, haha, yeah I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” It’s hard to smile with your puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

The man in front of you frowns, hands in his coat pockets, scarf draped around his neck. “You don’t look fine. Mind if I sit?”

He’s already claiming the spot next to you on the bench before you can say a word, turning to you with a passive expression. “Why are you crying?”

And that’s all it takes to have you breaking down all over again, tears streaming down your face. Just one person offering to listen to the heavy burden you have to bear.

‘’M sor-sorry...” You sob, wiping at your eyes with frigid fingers, successful in doing nothing more but smearing tears around your face.

“Here.” The man’s taking off his scarf, gloved hands offering it you.

“I ca-can’t use your sc-scarf sir.” But he’s insistent, pressing it into your hands up by your face.

“I’ll just get another one. Keep it, you’re in need of it more than I am.”

The kindness makes another fresh bout of tears roll down your cheeks, but this time you're able to dab them away with soft fabric as you sniffle.

It takes a moment for you to calm yourself. When you do, you can finally engage in conversation with the man.

You tell him about your job hours getting cut, how you’ve been turned down or ignored by every single place you’ve applied at for a second job. How you’re barely affording to wash your clothes - you have to hang them or drape them across things in your apartment because you don’t have the money to pay for a dryer cycle.

And to top it all off, you’re still short on rent, despite how you scrimped and saved and even forced yourself not to buy groceries this week - you’ve gone hungry for the past three days.

“You haven’t eaten?”

You glance up at the man and his incredulous expression, shaking your head. “I’ve been trying to save money, I thought I could afford my rent if-”

“What kind of food do you like?” The man is pulling out his phone, swiping and tapping immediately. 

“Thank you, but I’m not-” looking for charity is what you want to say. Plus, you shouldn’t accept favors from strange men.

But the handsome man is waving you silent. “I’m cold, plus I’d like to grab a bite to eat before I head home. I don’t like eating alone though, you’d honestly be doing me a favor.”

You take a moment to process. Is he telling the truth? He sounds like an honest guy.

“Seems like the only place open around here is “Joe’s 24 hour Diner”.... You mind burgers?”

So that's how you end up in a booth opposite the man (”Shouto” he had told you as you both headed to the diner), munching away at warm food. It tastes so good, you hardly have time to worry about the man watching you as he eats.

You’d been shocked at his looks the moment you’d seen him in the light of the diner. Pretty two-toned hair, different colored eyes, perfect skin, expensive clothes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s obvious the two of you led very different lives.

“How does everything taste?”

“Delicious.” Is your response, and Shouto seems pleased, nodding before taking another bite of his meal.

Maybe it’s stupid... but you feel weirdly safe with this man. He doesn’t seem to bear any ill-intent towards you, nor has he made any comments about your body or let his hands or eyes stray. He seems like a gentleman.

Conversation flows easily between the two of you, even sharing a few chuckles at times. He’s some fancy rich businessman, you learn, and you share about your own life, laughing at the comparisons. Shouto can’t fathom growing up in a house with less than five bedrooms and a personal servant.

He asks for your number, and you’re hesitant in giving it - he surely can’t be interested in you? But he seems so sincere, it’s hard to say no.

When the two of you part ways, Shouto gives you a wave, “Hope to see you again soon, and under better circumstances.”

“You too! And sorry for being such a mess and stopping your walk-”

Shouto shrugs, cheeks beginning to pink from the cold air as you two stand outside the diner. “You needed help. I like to assist.”

-----

The next morning you wake to find an atrociously large sum deposited in your Venmo account by none other than a Shouto Todoroki.

Immediately, you’re calling him. “It’s too much, we just met. How can you give away that much money to some low-life?”

You hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “You’re obviously struggling. I was wondering what your hours are this week, perhaps we could talk about this over dinner? Or lunch, if that fits better with your schedule. I’m flexible.”

It’s a few days later, days spent questioning yourself, questioning his intentions, before you see him again, both of you deciding to meet for lunch to further discuss... whatever had just happened.

“Was what I gave you adequate to cover your rent?” Are the first words out of Shouto’s mouth after you greet each other.

“Yeah, more than enough-” You squirm. “But I need to ask.... why?”

“Why?”

“Why me.” 

“Oh.” Shouto’s expression clears. “That’s easy. I told you a few days ago - I like to assist. I’m quite lonely, and it feels nice to use my money on someone other than myself. I think providing for someone brings me... I wouldn’t quite say joy, but... contentment.”

You contemplate his answer for a moment. 

“Well... you saved me with my rent, I don’t really know how to thank you.”

The man leans forward. “Well.... I know it might be a bit sudden, but how would you feel accepting me as a.... benefactor of sorts?”

“You mean like a sugar daddy?” Is your immediate, blurted response. You want to slap yourself for speaking before you have the chance to think about your words, but luckily Shouto just lets out a light laugh.

“If you’d like to call it that. I’m willing to provide financial assistance for you, in exchange for companionship, if you’re willing to give it.”

Your face heats up as you drop your eyes, fidgeting nervously in your seat. “I don’t feel comfortable with a... a sexual relationshi-”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” Shouto cuts you off before you can continue. “I wasn’t trying to insinuate a contract of that nature. I’m thinking more along the lines of accompanying me at meals, sharing experiences with me, providing company and friendship to a lonely man. If it seems that we’d like to progress further than that after we get to know each other, well, that will be addressed then. For now-” Shouto meets your eye, dipping his head a smidgeon so he can look at you directly. “All I ask for is a simple, non-intimate bond between two people.”

This is crazy.

And yet you accept.

The situation may be wild, and completely absurd, but you’d be a fool not to say yes.

Shouto is charming and handsome, respectful, courteous - you could go on and on about his positive qualities. He just seems like a sad, lonesome man swallowed by work and responsibilities, too stressed and busy to put the effort into making friends the conventional way. 

-----

Months pass by.

You’re eating at every meal, sated and never going hungry. You’re able to move into a new place, one that doesn’t smell like cigarettes and sits right next to a railroad.

Clothes aren’t a worry anymore, you have your own washer and dryer in your new apartment (Shouto offered to buy you a house, or a penthouse at the least, but you couldn’t justify it to yourself). You’re able to afford new things, and pretty dresses, shoes that are comfortable and fashionable and that fit.

You no longer have to wear clothes down until they have holes in them. You’re able to go to the doctor’s when you feel sick, able to pay for health insurance.

Life is good.

Shouto is a personable man, serious, but he can be rather funny and even crude at times.

The doubt and thoughts of “Why is he doing this for me?” and “I’m not good enough for this.” plague you, but Shouto always seems to catch on, reassuring you that you’re exactly what he needs - a friend.

And you’re more than happy to be that.

You think sometimes, that even if he wasn’t paying you, you’d still like to be friends with Shouto Todoroki.

Until he starts acting weird.

“You should just stay at my place. I have more than enough room,, it’d be easier for both our schedules. We’d get to see each other more often.”

“Uhm...” You don’t really know what to say. You like your freedom, and having your own place where you can walk around in your (expensive) underwear without being bothered.

“I think it’d be nice, don’t you? We could have breakfast every morning, you wouldn’t have to worry about traveling to and fro, we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other nearly enough.”

He’s pushing, insistent. How are you supposed to tell him no? He’s paying for your entire life. Plus, it wouldn’t be that bad to actually live with him. Shouto’s an amicable man.

So you move in.

“I bought you a few things, they’re on your bed.” 

Shouto’s striding into the kitchen where you’re making coffee, buttoning up his shirt as he comes closer. You’ve found that the man likes to sleep in nothing but boxers, shrieking and flushing an embarrassing shade the first time he’d come to wake you up with a sweet “welcome” breakfast in bed.

It’s taken a while to adjust, but you finally feel that you’re fully settled in.

“Oh, you really don’t ha-”

“I wanted to. I went through your closet - your clothes are nice, but your underwear seemed to be lacking.” He’s so matter-of-fact.

All you can do is stare at the back of his head.

“Could you pass me a spoon please?”

-----

Shouto had splurged on expensive, fancy lingerie. 

At least eight different sets were laid out on your bed. It was overwhelming. It also felt.... a bit intrusive? They were all in your size, in a complementary color for your skin tone. 

Weird.

Not as weird as the onset of Shouto’s casual touches.

You’d be reading, or drinking tea and watching cars race by on the street so far below, and Shouto would come up behind you, caress your sides before intertwining his fingers with yours on one hand. He did it as if it was a normal thing, but it felt anything but normal.

Or you’d be on the couch together, and Shouto would shuffle closer until his large body was pressed to yours, almost curled around you. The faux-cuddling was a bit more off putting. How do you tell him no?

The touches became more and more intimate, Shouto’s gifts more and more frequent until you weren’t even spending a penny, the man taking care of everything.

The arrangement was beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Shouto’s bi-colored eyes seemed to always be on you, tracing the shape of your body, watching you move, or breath, or sit. It was distracting, and you felt bad for feeling this way towards the man who’d pulled you out of poverty, but it was so unnerving.

He seemed to notice.

“You’ve been so stressed these past few days. Is something wrong?” Shouto’s rubbing a hand into your shoulder, hovering over you at the dinner table.

“No?” Is all you can manage, wiping your hands on your napkin as you finish your food.

Shouto frowns. With a sigh, his hand drops from your shoulder and the man leaves your side, heads toward the kitchen.

You clear your plate from the table, following after him so you can wash it and put it in the dishwasher before you head off to get ready for bed. 

But Shouto is rummaging in a cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses to accompany the bottle of wine that’s standing proud on the island.  It’s your favorite, a sweet wine that Shouto knows you like, always brings it out when he decides to drink whisky or bourbon after dinner.

He pops the cork and pours you a glass while you finish with your dishes, handing you the glass when you turn away from the sink, pressing it into your hands. “Let’s relax a little bit, it’ll be good for both of us.”

You’re fine with that, knowing that a little wine won’t hurt you, especially when it’s of such fine quality. You’d never dreamed that you’d be able to taste such richness in your lifetime, spend frivolous amounts of money on wine and fine eateries. Yet here you are.

Shouto pours himself a glass, barely a sip filling the bottom. The man raises it to his lips and takes a swig, grimacing a bit in his flat, unexpressive way. You giggle a little.

“Too sweet?’

The man nods, setting the glass back down. “I’m not entirely sure how you can stand to stomach it. But if it makes you happy-” He shrugs, before pulling on of the bar-stools out from under the island so he can sit facing you, long legs stretching out before him.

You look at him, and he looks at you, and then you take another sip of wine to avoid the awkwardness.

“You’re distancing yourself from me.”

The accusation is quiet, Shouto’s eyes focused on your fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass.

He’s always been straightforward with his words. “Is there a reason you keep drawing away?”

The wine disappears from your glass, sliding down your throat and settling in your stomach. You fill your glass again before speaking, struggling to find the right words without upsetting your... benefactor.

“Well, Shouto... I don’t really know how to...” You trail off, hoping Shouto will say something, change the subject, say it’s alright and move on to something else.

But the man stays silent, eyes appraising you.

Taking a deep breath, and another gulp of sweetness, you try again.

“Sometimes the closeness... like, physical closeness? Makes me, well, uncomfortable.”

Hopefully, that would satisfy his curiosity for now. That wasn’t the only reason you’d been avoiding Shouto seeming distant, but you didn’t think sharing the others would result in anything good.

Said man accepted your response, dropping his eyes to his lap as he mulled it over. More wine was consumed, glass re-filled. You felt nervous.

“You’re saying that my touch isn’t something you’d prefer.”

Biting your lip, you soften at his confused expression, at the hint of sadness swimming behind his eyes. “Kind of. I don’t mind you Shouto, you’re really kind, and you’re good company, and a wonderful friend. I just don’t think the.... the intimacy is for me.”

Shouto raises his head, stares at you with those pretty eyes, lips parted as he comes to terms with your words. 

“It sounds like you don’t trust me. I would never hurt you, you know this.”

You scramble to assure him. “I do! I do trust you, and I know you wouldn’t.” (at least you hoped) “But I guess I just... Coming into this agreement I wasn’t ready for that type of... thing. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

The man rises, shakes his head as he steps closer to you. “Don’t worry, I remember our first conversation about that aspect. I see that for you, that type of relationship would only begin after you really cared for the other person, trusted and wanted to see them happy, am I correct?”

“Oh, Shouto-” You rush. “No, I care for you, and I trust you, and of course I want to see you happy. I think it’s just, y’know, my last relationship like that went really bad, and it sucked. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Shouto nods, understanding. “I see. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me then.”

A smile crosses your face, and you feel relived that he accepted your rejection with grace and understanding instead of violence or anger. “Thank you, it means a lot to me.”

The mood of the room shifted, from tense and uncomfortable, to easy and light, and you poured another glass of wine, laughing a little at how worried you were about the conversation with Shouto, only for it all to turn out fine.

“I’m going to go drink some of the liquor that’s kept in my room. I could mix a few drinks for you to try, you might like how sweet they are. I know hard alcohol isn’t quite your thing.”

You beam a smile, nodding your head eagerly. Before, you’d feel apprehensive about going into his room with him to drink alcohol. But with the conversation the two of you just had, you knew - things would be fine.

-----

The room was spinning and you felt giddy and light. You were definitely tipsy.

“You can lay down on my bed, you’re getting wobbly on your feet.” Shouto had offered, and you’d gladly accepted, flopping down onto his comfy bedspread with a laugh at how the motion made butterflies rise in your tummy.

Shouto leaned against his dresser, swirling whiskey in his glass as he watched you, a half-smile across his face. You smiled back, before closing your eyes, a little bit tired as you realized that you might be a bit more than just tipsy.

Shouto had mixed quite a few drinks for you, and you’d drank each one eagerly, impressed with how little alcohol you could taste in each one. You don’t remember how many you had, but it didn’t really matter.

The next thing you know, hands are on your waist, scooting you further up the bed so your legs no longer hang off the edge. Cracking open an eye, you’re met with the visage of red-and-white, eyes soft and warm as they regard you, Shouto’s face tinged a bit pink from the few drinks he had consumed. The man had never been too good at holding his alcohol.

When those hands started to slip beneath your shirt, you wiggled like a little worm, not really comprehending the situation. Maybe it was a dream.

Your shirt was discarded, then your pants. It felt much more comfortable now, and you mumbled a “thanks” to the man helping you settle for bed. He was so nice, Shouto took such good care of you. You still kind of couldn’t believe the turn your life had taken with him, the good luck pushed into your path.

Someone was kissing you.

With a grunt of surprise, you kissed them back, meeting their feverish pace and trying to keep up, soft lips puckering and pushing against your own with intent. Kissing felt good. You liked kissing.

Then a hand was cupping your face, stroking tenderly over your cheek before it began sliding down, down your neck, into the valley between your breasts, trailing over your bra. It felt funny.

Pushing back for air, you gasped when the hand on your chest started squeezing at you, eyes flying open with the startling, sudden sensation.

Shouto was hovering over you, lips puffy, panting as he stared at you with lusty eyes, an uncharacteristic look on his face. This... this wasn’t supposed to be like this. You knew. Hadn’t the two of you just talked about something... important? Was it important?

You didn’t feel panic until a hand cupped your sex, feeling your skin through your panties.

This wasn’t right.

Alarm bells were ringing, dull and far away, but you didn’t think that Shouto should be touching you in such a way. you should be going to bed.

“Mm, Sho, can you stop?” But your words felt funny on your tongue, and Shouto didn’t stop. Maybe he didn’t hear you.

His hair tickled your chin as the man bent to mouth at your tits, pulling the cups of your bra underneath them so he could feel your hot skin, let his saliva drag slick and wet against your chest. 

Your hands instinctively rooted themselves in his hair as you gasped again, not expecting such a move, tugging lightly at his head to pull him up. Shouto just groaned, teething gently at your breasts and not moving an inch. His hips were grinding against the bed though, as he stood between your spread legs.

Before you knew it, your panties were gone, bra clumsily unclasped and discarded, and you were completely bare. Shouto was undressing before you, struggling with the buttons on his shirt before giving up, easily ripping the fabric of his body with one tug, grumbling.

You didn’t feel so tipsy anymore.

“Shouto, what’re we doing? We shouldn’t be doing this, we need to stop-”

“Stay down.” Was his firm command, a hand splayed across your naked chest and pushing you back into the mattress as you tried to sit up. It made you breathless, the growl in his voice, the dominance emanating from the man. You stayed still.

“This’s gonna make us a stronger couple.” The man slurred, eyes dark and hands wandering, effortlessly keeping you pinned against the bed as he ground his hips forward against the edge. You were getting scared.

“Wait-”

You fell silent as one hand pushed down his pants, his underwear going with them, pink cock bobbing free. He was so pretty down there, and it made sense, all of him was pretty, but you suddenly realized the weight of the situation, what was happening.

“Shouto, no, oh my god. We gotta stop right now, we’re drunk, we’re-we’re-”

“Don’t care. Not gonna let you hide away from me this time.” Shouto shook his head, taking his cock in one hand and giving it a long, slow pump, flushed tip weeping precum and wetting his hand.

“No, no, this is wrong. I don’t want this, I could get pregnant!” You cried, beginning to panic for real, pushing against the one strong hand anchoring you to the bed.

Shouto just chuckled, letting go of his cock to crowd against you, getting up in your face to press a wet finger to your lips, the salty taste of his precum threatening to slip into your mouth unless you kept it shut. “Shhh, shh. If you stay nice and still, if you do what I say, I’ll use a condom.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re gonna listen to me, you always do.” The man nodded to himself, once again dragging his cock against the bed between your legs, as if he couldn’t stop himself. “Or else I’ll fuck you raw.” The finger was pulled from your lips, only to be wagged teasingly in your face. 

You couldn’t believe how he was acting.

“Be nice.”

Shouto tapped your nose with a neatly manicured finger, before groaning as he heaved himself upright, red cock bobbing against his stomach, desperate for attention. The man gave you a look, as if to say “don’t move” before he took his hands off you, heading for his dresser.

Once you saw him pulling out a strip of condoms, you were on your feet, stumbling toward the door.

Although panic had sobered you somewhat, you were still struggling with the effects of the alcohol, so your reaction time was maddeningly slow. Slow enough that you weren’t able to truly fight against Shouto when he grabbed you from behind toned arms wrapping around your middle and heaving you into the air, only to throw you back on his bed.

You were almost sick on the bedspread, world spinning and stomach protesting, but you were able to calm yourself.

But then Shouto was on you, flipping you onto your back, a soft hand pressing against your throat threateningly. 

“You want to have a baby? Want me to cum in you so you’ll get all fat with kids? Hm?” He was so intense, almost choking you, straddling your waist and keeping you pinned. It was too much

You were able to manage a tearful, desperate “No!” despite the hand around your throat, and Shouto backed off, releasing the pressure to instead stroke his hand against the sides of your neck.

“Stop acting like this, it’s the next logical step for us. You said you cared for me, wanna make me happy. This’ll make me happy. I won’t be like the last guy.”

His cock was pressed against your stomach, and you could feel it twitching. Shouto clambered off of you, letting go of your neck so he could grab the condoms he’d tossed on the bed before snatching you up.

“Do what I say and I use these.” He waved them in your face before tearing one off, beginning to open it. 

You stayed still, gazing at him blearily, limbs feeling fuzzy, mind feeling the same.

The condom was rolled onto Shouto’s cock, the man spitting into his palm and giving the latex a few rubs to make it slick before reaching for you.

He dragged you to the edge of the bed - the perfect height for him to fuck you - and you didn’t fight, terrified of his threat. You couldn’t stand the thought of a baby.

(You didn’t know, but neither could he)

“Wanted to do this since I met you.” Shouto mumbled, pushing your panties to the side with a few fingers so he could guide his tip to your hole. “Want you so bad.”

You didn’t know what to think of this side of Shouto. This unreserved, uncareful, slurring mess of a man that loomed before you, gaze dark and wild, limbs everywhere as he groped and squeezed and appreciate the shape of your body.

But he must’ve gotten impatient, because then he was pushing inside.

It hurt, stinging pain rippling up your back and you keened, causing Shouto to pause. One of his hands darted down to wrap around your calf, hauling it up on the bed so he could lean forward and press it to you chest, sinking his cock a few inches deeper.

“You’re gonna take it.” He hissed before messily kissing you, pressed so close together that it was hard to breathe. “I’ll make it feel good after you do.”

[allmightluver]

**bnha spoilers** I'm just sat here with renewed realisation of what All Might is going through. 40 years. /40 years/ he held and refined that power and dedicated his every waking (and sleeping if Vigilantes is anything to go by) moment towards the goal of defeating AfO and creating a society in which people could feel happy and safe. And now as it turns out AfO is still alive, society is broken and he has given a literal piece of his soul to this young boy leaving himself with only phantoms

Yes. I don’t think people quite grasp what all he’s going through.

It’s been shown recently to us that some, if not most, heroes have underlying ambitions in becoming a hero. Whether for money, glory, fame, popularity, doesn’t matter. They’re ultimately in it for themselves. Toshinori’s intentions from the beginning have been the most pure- he wanted to be a symbol that people can look to and know things will be ok. A symbol of hope. This boy was only around 14 years old when he decided this. What kind of 14 year old sees the world that clearly? Sees that people have no hope, that a veil of darkness covers them. The only thing I can think of is- Toshinori did not have a good childhood. Something had to have happened to a boy that young to stop seeing the joy in life so early, and see the world’s flaws. Truthfully, I believe he was an outcast- due to his quirklessness. Most likely an orphan, perhaps abandoned by his parents, as we’ve never seen him have any family. I do truly believe Toshinori has been alone all his life. I don’t doubt more could have happened to him as a child before he met Nana. 

Some may argue that Izuku is the same age, and therefore it shouldn’t be that hard to see why Toshinori wanted to be a hero at such a young age. BUT, Izuku had someone to look up to, ever since he was a child of four years old, to inspire him to be a hero his whole life *cough cough* All Might. Izuku also was quirkless, much like Toshinori, and an outcast because of it (hence where I assume Toshinori was much the same). But ultimately, Izuku wanted to save people because he saw his hero do it. It really wasn’t until Izuku was a bit older, has been in UA, has been on rescue missions, has seen what the heroes see, that I think he’s truly realized how dark the world really is. Toshinori didn’t have that. He didn’t have someone to inspire him as a child, someone to look up to, a hero to inspire him to help others. At that time, heroes hadn’t become as popular as they are in present times. Toshinori saw the world for what it was, on his own, at a tender age. I think that day Nana ran into this blonde hair kid, she eyed him up, noticed his scraggly form, looked into those captivating blue eyes, and saw a man who’s lived through the world’s horrors- experienced the worst it has to offer-, and wants to save everyone he can from the same fate, all in a 14 year old boy. 

Then after only a few short years with the woman he saw as his mother, she’s killed in front of him because of his own weakness- he wasn’t strong enough yet to protect her. The only other person his life, Gran Torino, literally abused him. He beat him to a pulp, taking his own emotions out on a teenager, and I doubt Toshinori said anything of it. He probably thought he deserved it. He’s still afraid of Gran Torino to this day, remembering the beatings and expecting more for his failures- even if he doesn’t know what they are surely he’s at fault for something, but he’s the only person who’s stood by his side for this long. Even while at a distance, and spouting nothing but criticisms along the way. But Toshinori had to put aside his own emotions to be that hope for everyone. He left everything he knew to go to a new country on his own, to learn how to be a hero, to be that hope for someone.

Vigilantes showed us just how hard he worked. Toshinori literally stayed awake with no sleep for days on end- 3 in the chapter I’m referencing- because people needed help, people needed saving, and no one else stepped up. He fought villains, rescued civilians, repaired damage, cleared rubble, (even accept and eat food that was against his dietary restrictions after his injury) whatever the public needed, all while draining himself further. He worked himself to the point of exhaustion because he had no help, once literally falling asleep while mid-leap across the city because he simply could go no further. 

^^These happen in succession of each other^^

No one stepped up to say “Hey, Mr. Number 1, you’ve been working hard lately. Let me help you!” No one tried to take over his position. Even the Number 2 hero, Endeavor, never tried to take some of his burden. His only goal was to try to be better than All Might in terms of power- he was never trying to be the hero that the people relied on All Might for. Everyone relied on him when things looked grim. He was the back up plan. And all of this happened before Toshinori’s injury. 

The only thing he ever wanted to do- help people- he can’t do (at least the way he’s always known how to). The ability to save people has been taken from him in the most gruesome way. He was finally able to fight the man that killed Nana, and in a rage that I’m sure echoed with all of the emotions of the previous users, he smashed that man’s head like a grape. But not without consequence. Several organs are gone. The pain is excruciating. He wears that man’s mark on his body for the rest of his life, never truly able to rid himself of the filth.

Then we have Nighteye’s betrayal. The man that helped him as a sidekick, the man that grew to be his only friend. Now some people may ask why Toshinori flipped like he did to Nighteye looking into his future when he was concerned about him making it through his injury. What I believe is Toshinori didn’t want to know when he would die (and really, who does). Now he knows he’s on a time limit, knows the clock is ticking. Time is running out to keep the world at peace, and with him as he is now, how long can this go on? 

I think the betrayal, doing something that Toshinori specifically asked him not to do, is what hurt the most. How can he trust Nighteye anymore? He already can only count on one hand the people he can trust, let alone befriend.

He’s wasted away into a skeleton, a shell of the man he used to be. He can’t over exert himself without his only lung bleeding in protest. It’s canon in the side books that he really doesn’t eat much, which isn’t good for his diet without a stomach now (he’s supposed to have several small meals a day). He is quite literally punishing himself by starving. (Granted, he doesn’t feel hunger anymore.) He’s a sick man, beyond medical help at this point. They can only stabilize him and hope for the best. For five years now he’s in constant pain, every day. He loses blood like sweat. Surely his veins are bruised and collapsed with how many times he would have needed to be hospitalized. Whether from losing too much blood, being too dehydrated or starved from “forgetting” to eat, or an organ failing as body continues to fall apart. “...even as my body rots and grows frail...” - Toshinori People are bound to stare at him as he walks down the street. A tall, willowy, skeleton with a grimace on his face and blood stains on his clothes as he coughs up more into his own hands. There would be the ones who outright ignore him when they walk by, the people who offer pitying smiles and sympathetic glances or just outright stare, and then ones who are afraid of his appearance- children screaming at the mere sight of him and running to their parents to hide from the monster. Each one is another knife in Toshinori’s side, an ache in his chest. If only they knew who I really am.

Losing Nighteye took a toll on his hero work as well. Mirai was a huge help in the past, and took care of all Toshinori’s paperwork, while also reminding him to take care of himself. Without him, Toshinori was even more buried beneath his responsibilities. Plus, now he was on a time limit. He even snapped briefly in his first meeting with Tsukauchi, accidentally revealing himself as All Might because he was under too much pressure, and telling the detective he literally couldn’t handle doing everything by himself (who graciously took over the paperwork side of things for him). 

He was living a double life now, having to lie to people left and right about who he was while in his small form, about how he became so sickly, why he was here in the first place who the heck is this skinny old guy. Surely he had multiple visits to the doctor while continuing to repair the damage done by AFO (there’s a limit to how much the body can handle at once. And things I’m sure continued to fail as time went on). Then he would be bedridden for as long as the doctors could keep him strapped to a bed, until he couldn’t take the people’s cries for help any longer, and would jump into action. (It’s also revealed he has something of a super hearing- able to hear danger- which may have been a form of danger sense of OFA that was never fully unlocked?. Either way, he surly could sense disasters happening while he could only lay and heal from his latest surgery. Those poor doctors must have had to re-stitch him several times). People blame him for not preparing society for his retirement, that he failed in passing on the torch so to speak, but in reality he did everything possible to keep society from falling for 40 years, doing all within his power just to keep things afloat. He is only one person. One human being, he can’t do everything despite trying to. Society failed All Might.

People blame him for not being a good teacher. He didn’t exactly have the greatest teacher himself to learn from. He’s never had to teach anyone anything, he just punches! He’s learning. And for his own credit, he’s an incredibly wise man, he has years of experience under his belt, and an intelligence score of 6/6, scoring up there with Nezu! He may not always have the right way to bring something up, but he’s doing his best. Yet even he blames himself for Izuku not being able to control his quirk better. Every time the boy hurts himself, it’s just another tally on the chalkboard of Toshinori’s failures. He himself knows the boy deserves better, better than him. Useless. Pathetic.

Then his friend from America, Dave, essentially became a villain trying to preserve Toshinori’s legacy after Toshinori told him about his injury. Dave went behind his back, threatened people, injured people (pretty sure people died), all for Toshinori’s sake. Something he didn’t want to begin with. Having to put your only other friend in jail for trying to help you surely couldn’t have been easy.

Oh, by the way? All For One isn’t dead. All Might will fight him again, publicly, have his weakened form exposed to the world, and have his own emotions toyed with as he finds out about his master’s grandson in the villain’s hands. Would Nana hate him for leaving her son alone like she’d asked, and dooming her grandchild to be raised by the greatest villain? Could he have done anything to save him? But Toshinori isn’t allowed to feel, he has to smile and push his own feelings aside once again, because there’s a villain to be fought, and only he can fight him. Despite coming out on top, he’ll have suffered severe head trauma, broken left arm, destroyed right arm, and several cuts and bruises that are sure to scar. And then, his quirk, the only thing that’s been allowing him to help people, the gift given to him that he carefully held for 40 years and molded into his own until his very consciousness was permanently carved into it, blows out like a match in the wind. And he’s done. Used up. Empty. Broken. Hollow. Alone, again.

He overhears his student, Bakugo, admit that he blames himself for All Might’s retirement. If he hadn’t been captured, All Might wouldn’t have had to save him, and he wouldn’t have had to fight AFO. Of course Toshinori knows that’s not true, his time was about to run out anyway. It would have happened one way or another. But how can he explain to this child that he wasn’t the cause of his hero, the world’s greatest hero, fighting for his sake, bleeding for his sake, being forced into retirement to keep him safe. Every time Bakugo sees the bandages covering Toshinori’s body is another reminder of the pain and sacrifice Toshinori willingly gave to keep him safe. Toshinori wasn’t held when his mentor died. He wasn’t told it was ok to be sad, that grief and mourning was a natural process, that it takes time to heal. He wasn’t told it was ok to cry. Instead his feelings were beaten out of him as he wondered if Gran Torino blamed him for Nana’s death. He already blamed himself How then, does he comfort a child mourning for him? For what he lost.

And then he gets the call to come to the hospital. Mirai, Nighteye, his old sidekick friend, has been gravely injured, much like he himself was only a few years ago, and most likely won’t survive the night. And to his horror, Nighteye is happy to see him, smiles at him, says he doesn’t hate him for what happened, only wants Toshinori to be happy. He can’t accept that, at least let him apologize, reconcile his sins before it’s too late! But it is. Another fractured piece of his heart gone.

Of course, seeing your students beat up and their arms completely destroyed must have hurt. Instead of being able to save these kids, they’re the ones that hurt themselves to save everyone else. And if Bakugo had kept OFA, things could have been very different (especially with what we know now of OFA and people with quirks). Toshinori wasn’t mad at Izuku for transferring it away, he’d never regret choosing Izuku, and I believe he still would have stayed by Izuku and Bakugo’s side should it have stayed in Bakugo, doing whatever he could to help.

As he tells Aizawa, “I’ve decided to live,” -that statement seems so melancholy, besides obvious reasons. It sounds more like another task he has to accomplish. He didn’t die he was supposed to die with the AFO fight, and now the whole life he lived is over. The world has no use for him anymore. If not for Izuku, he’d have nothing left keeping him here. But because his boy made him promise to live, he’ll do so. Though it almost seems like he says those words with regret. “I’ve decided to live.” Not, “I’m going to live!” “Nothing can kill me!” “I won’t go down without a fight!” No. “I’ll live if I have to, only because you asked me to.” The man is obviously and outwardly depressed. He has so many things against him. No doubt has severe PTSD, anxiety, among others. Not to mention his own physical health. Every day hurts. It’s painful to be alive. Why would he torture himself if he doesn’t have to? For you, my boy. You’re the only thing keeping me here. The only light in my dark world.

He tries to help Izuku find out the previous holder’s quirks, to help his boy in any way he can now that he’s worthless, and goes days on end without sleep, running his body into the ground. He even forgets Christmas. Only to find that by giving the boy the same gift he had received, he may have just doomed him to an early death, among psychological torture (danger detection). (Granted, he really doesn’t know how everything works, and he’s afraid to talk to anyone about it). His boy could live only half a life.

It’s only been a few months since he retired, and society has fallen into shambles. People are blaming him. People are dying. He watches helplessly as his colleague fight his fight for him, and end up battered, bruised, crippled, dead. He students, his boy, battle the monster he should have killed. Children are bleeding. This shouldn’t happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Is everything he worked for, everything he fought to protect, to build up, to inspire, is all for naught?! Did he live a foolish dream and doom the world? Was all the the friends he lost, tears he shed, the organs he destroyed, the pain he endures on a daily basis from the hole in his side, and the blood he continues to bleed every day, for nothing? The public, the ones he protected for so long, mourn his absence, but surely there are those among them who also blame him. The statue from his last fight in Kamino one that he never asked for was decimated in a mock of his catch phrase- the one that was supposed to give hope.

Now he can feel his own vestige speaking with Izuku in the OFA realm, even with out OFA in his own body anymore. His clock as nearly reached it’s limit, Nighteye’s prediction is due any day now. The only thing he wants is to see his boy smile at him, to give him some shred of hope. Yet the child remains unconscious, and Toshinori can’t even hold his hand from the bandages covering his arms. Will he still be able to fight? Is there any coming back from this now? Did I break him?

With all Toshinori has been through, I’m honestly surprised we haven’t seen him just outright break down. Anyone, anyone, else should have crumbled under the pressure of holding up the world for 40 years alone. And instead of being able to pass it on to someone when he can no longer bear its weight, it simply falls to into the abyss. People don’t credit All Might enough for everything he’s done. Most don’t realize the sacrifices he’s made. His character is so unbelievably profound and deep, it’s more than just the “I am here!” people focus on. He’s a deeply troubled, layered, complex character. And I can’t find fault within him.

[just-jordie-things]

Insecurities - Richie Tozier

word count: 4319 warnings: swearing summary: Richie’s greatest fear is not being good enough for her- and It knows to use that against him ___

Richie Tozier loved his girlfriend.  He idolized her, he prioritized her, and every day that he was with her felt like a miracle.  She was his favorite person, the light of his life, and he was so goddamn in love with her that it consumed his entire being.

Thing was, (y/n) was out of his league, and his friends and peers reminded him of it, every, fucking, day.  Either with a joke about how he landed a girl like that, or a comment about how she’ll find someone better too.  His friends weren’t purposefully being assholes, and they never knew how deep their words could cut into Richie.  But he’d never told them how insecure he really was.

(y/n) never thought anything of it.  She loved Richie and that’s all that mattered.  He made her happier than she ever could have imagined herself being in this town.  In this dreary place she lived, he managed to be a ray of spontaneity and sun that she was grateful for every day.  She longed to tell him how much she loved him, she’d never gathered the courage to say it before, but always felt the words burning in her throat. She knew her friends were teasing, and never second guessed them or Richie’s feelings about it.  

That is, until Neibolt. ___

“This, is a bad fucking idea” Richie had muttered into her ear when they’d walked onto the property.

She wasn’t sure if it was out of annoyance for wasting a day that they could have spent at the arcade, or out of his own fear for trekking into the obviously haunted house.

If it was fear, she knew he wouldn’t say anything about it.  So instead, she grabbed his hand and gave him a smile.

“But it’ll make for a great story!” She’d declared.

(She has a tendency to reprimand him on his idiotic ideas, and he always argued that he would have a good story to tell later.  So when she repeated his words back to him, he glared a bit)

(y/n) winked, before giggling because Richie always made a funny face when she winked at him.  After dating her for a year or so, he has never gotten used to the sight of her winking at him.

But then again, a part of him was still in disbelief that she was his girlfriend and she was winking at him.

He tugged her closer to his side by her hand as they walked into the house.

“Oh, gross” Eddie winced, and continued to complain the further they walked into the hall.

The clubs’ steps gradually slowed.

“What the fuck?” Richie hissed, eyes narrowing while he looked around.  “This is a fucking crackhouse-“

He stopped abruptly when there was a loud creaking, and the whole group froze in place.  They went silent, ears on alert for the next haunting sound.

Richie’s hand tightened around (y/n’s), making sure that she was secure at his side.  She looked up at him, brows furrowed a bit, clearly conflicted about Bill’s plan.

Another creak sounded, and her eyes shot towards the sound, just in time to see a door slowly swinging open.  To their surprise, no one, or nothing, appeared in the doorway.  It only revealed an empty room.

When Mike took a few tentative steps towards it, (y/n’s) feet also began to move, as if on instinct, her brain told her not to let her friend investigate alone.

“(y/n)” Richie called for her in a hushed voice as she pulled her hand out of his hold.

She glanced back at him as if to say ‘I’m alright’, and then moved swiftly on the tips of her toes up to Mike.  They shared a look, before nodding their heads, and walking into the room.

As she examined the old run-down bedroom, she felt her heartbeat steady, as did her breathing.  The floorboards were worn and creaky, and the walls had indescribable stains on them, but there was nothing more to it.

“It’s just old” Mike said, a similar expression of relief on his face.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” (y/n) looked back out to their friends to assure them that they were safe.  “It was nothing-“

Before the word could even leave her mouth, the door creaked again, and slammed shut before anyone could move.

“(y/n)!” Richie was the first to leap to action, but by the time he’d gotten to the door, it was already locked.  And no matter how much he yanked and pulled on the rusty knob, it would not budge.

She was pounding her fists against the other side of it, and from the sounds of it, he was pretty sure Mike was trying to kick the door down from the other side.

“(y/n)! (y/n) it’s gonna be fine! I’m gonna get you out!” RIchie hollered, enlisting in the help of Bill and Beverly in trying to kick open the door.

But even as everyone was kicking, it was no use.  The door would rattle in it’s frame, and not crack even a little bit.

“It’s It!” Beverly declared, trying to get the boys to halt in their frantic kicking before they hurt themselves.  “Guys- Richie- we won’t be able to break it open, it’s like- cursed, or something”

He didn’t want to give up that fast, he wanted to keep kicking this door until his shoes were worn through and his feet were bruised, until (y/n) was free.

“It’s alright!” (y/n) called from the room.  “Mike found a part of the wall that’s caved in, we’re gonna try to break through it to the other side of the hall, okay?”

“W-we’ll meet you o-over there” Bill said, already heading around the corner of the hallway with Stan.  Even though it was clear she’d only been informing one person.

“Richie,” She spoke again.  “Go on, I’ll be fine, Mike’s here with me, I’ll see you in a couple minutes, okay?”

She was trying so hard to keep her voice brave, but he could hear it begin to crack, even through the door.

“I’m not fucking leaving you-”

“Richie, go, I don’t want you standing alone out there,” (y/n) ordered.  “I gotta go help Mike with the wall, see you in a minute”

He could barely hear her footsteps take off, and then leaned forward to press his ear against the wood, hoping to hear them breaking through with ease.  But now he couldn’t hear a thing.

Richie spun around, about to alert Eddie and Ben how oddly enough he couldn’t hear their friends tearing through a wall.

But Eddie and Ben weren’t there.

“Guys?” Richie hollered, breaking into a jog in hopes to catch them around the corner, where Mike and (y/n) were supposed to meet everyone.

But no one was there either.

“Hello!? Guys!? Where’d you go!?”

He began to yell a bit louder now, rushing around anywhere he could in search of his friends, but he hadn’t found, or even heard anyone.  How had they abandoned him so fast? Didn’t they notice?

“Richie?” A scratchy but familiar voice called from behind him.

He turned on his heel and was instantly relieved at the sight of (y/n).

“Oh, thank fucking god” He breathed out heavily, taking swift steps towards her.

She, however, took a sharp step backwards.

“Don’t come any closer” She snapped, and Richie froze on the spot.

“W-what-?”

“Stay the fuck back!” She screeched now, so loud that the harsh words echoed down the halls.  They seemed to ring in Richie’s ears for a lifetime.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly.  But he did as she asked, and didn’t move any closer to her.  “Did something happen-?”

“Jesus Richie fuck off!” She snarled now, and if that wasn’t shocking enough, she stormed up to him, and shoved him against his chest with both hands, mustering all the force she could.

Richie stumbled until he tripped over his feet and fell to the ground.  He couldn’t believe she was strong enough to push him to the ground like that.  (y/n) wasn’t frail by any means, but she shouldn’t have been able to knock him down with such ease.

“Blabber and hover- blabber and hover with you!” She was yelling down at him now, and Richie pushed himself up on shaky arms.

This was incredibly unlike her-

“You can never just leave me the hell alone! Can you!?” She went on, voice booming unnaturally with each bark.  “Always on my ass, always crowding me!”

If he wasn’t so afraid, he would have noticed how with every word, her teeth turned more ragged, and sharper.

“Do you think I enjoy it? Being stuck with you? It’s a goddamn burden! I can’t stand to be around you- I fucking hate you Richie Tozier!”

“Y-you’re not- this isn’t-” He could barely speak his throat was burning so bad from holding back tears.

This couldn’t be (y/n)... (y/n) would never…

“What, I’m not real?” The word came out in a vicious snarl, and suddenly she warped into another figure.

He wasn’t sure if this one was worse.

“You piece of shit!” Henry Bowers barked.  “Haven’t I told you to stay the fuck out of this town!?”

Richie lunged himself backwards, trying to crawl away from this horrible nightmare as fast as possible.  But the more he tried to scurry away, the worse the image in front of him became.

“You’re a freak!” (y/n) screamed in his face again.  “You’re a loser, Richie.  You think anyone would want to be with you?”

He couldn’t breathe- the tears- the panic- it all welled up inside of him and he knew he was going to explode soon.

“This isn’t real, you’re not real, you’re not her”

“Aren’t I though?” Her voice dropped to a haunting whisper, and she leaned in close to him.  “Aren’t I!?” She screamed.

Richie closed his eyes, shaking his head rapidly and hoping that when he opened them again, she’d be gone, and he’d wake up in his bedroom.  This was just one terrible fucking nightmare, it’ll be over soon-

“The real (y/n) doesn’t have the guts to fucking tell you” She snarled, reminding him of his reality.

“Stop it!” Richie yelled, unable to hold back his tears any longer.

“She’s never been able to speak up and say-”

“Go away!” He begged, voice cracking in desperation.

“She knows she’s too good for you, and let’s face it fuckface, I am too good for you”

He didn’t have it in him to beg It to leave him alone, as he broke down sobbing into his hands, enduring the cuel wrath.

“She hates you, for dragging her down, for hanging off of her like a dog,” Her tone slowly warped into something more squeaky, and masculine, until she wasn’t exactly the image of (y/n) anymore.  “Ohhh… she haaates you Richie”

When he dared to look, he was met with the gruesome sight of a circus clown.  A rather large circus clown.

“But you can stay, Richie, you can float with us!”

“No- no…. no no no!”

He covered his face again as he pleaded and wept uncontrollably.  He wished that It would just get it over with, because he couldn’t take this torture anymore.

“Richie!” A voice screamed.  Not the scream that he’d heard just moments ago, but a worried shriek.

Even still, he kept his hands planted safely over his eyes.  It couldn’t get in his face if he couldn’t see the form it had taken.

“Richie- Richie,” The voice panted again, this time soft, and close to his ear.  “Hey, it’s me” She murmured.

Gentle hands grasped onto his wrists, and pulled on his arms until he revealed his face.

He was met with the concerned eyes of his girlfriend, her brow so furrowed there were lines on her forehead, and a pout on her lips that he’d never seen there before.

“Babe,” She whispered so soft he was certain that he’d imagined that too.  “What happened?”

He flinched when she reached for him, and the action shattered her heart to pieces, but she tried her best not to show it.  Tentatively, she reached her hand out to place against his cheek, pulling her sleeve over her palm to wipe away the flow of tears.

“You’re- are you-”

“I’m real,” She nodded, beginning to realize what had happened.  “It’s me, promise”

His eyes wandered her features unsurely, and she sighed.

“Do you want me to prove it?” She murmured, and began to speak before he could even nod his head.  “On our first date, you called me sweet cheeks, and then got so embarrassed about it that you tripped and dropped your ice cream” There was a weak smile on her lips at the memory, hoping that it would be enough to calm Richie down.

He let out a shaky whimper, before surging forward and wrapping his arms around her torso.  He held her so tightly that she had to control her breaths, but it was alright because he believed her and things were going to be okay.

“It’s alright,” She cooed into his ear as he cried into the crook of her neck.  “I know, it’s awful”

One of his hands cradled the back of her head, fingers tangled in her hair.  The other was fisting the material of her jacket.  He couldn’t speak, he was crying so hard, ut it was enough to know that she was here right now.

(y/n) rubbed his back in soothing circles as she held him for a few moments longer, until she knew it was time to go, and pulled away.

“Come on, we gotta get out of here,” She whispered, wiping his opposite cheek tenderly.  “Eddie broke his arm” She told him as she helped him to his feet, and intertwined their fingers as they raced out of Neibolt.

The others, besides Eddie, were standing in the front yard.

Eddie was being shoved into his mother’s car, while Mrs K was scolding their friends.

“I knew my boy shouldn’t be playing with the likes of you all,” She rambled, snarling at Beverly in particular.  “This is all your fault.  All your fault! I hope your proud of yourselves for maiming my boy!”

She stormed off to her car, and Eddie could barely wave out the window before she’d driven off.

“I know where It is,” Bill spoke after a beat passed.  “And n-next time we’ll come p-prepared”

Richie’s eyes widened before glaring at the boy, finding it ridiculous that he thought it was a good idea to not only come back, but to come back and retaliate.

“No next time, Bill!” Stan begged, shaking his head.

“We have to,” Beverly said.  “Ben, you said so yourself, It comes back every twenty-seven years-”

“Fine! I’ll be forty and far away from here!” He answered.

With his words, a layer of tension settled over the group.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t save Georgie,” Richie grumbled, pulling away from (y/n) to head to his bike.  “But you can still save yourself” He finished, brushing past Bill’s shoulder.

“N-no,” Bill stammered, pushing Richie back by the shoulder.  “T-take it back!”

“Face the truth, Bill! You’re chasing a lie-!”

He couldn’t even finish before Bill pushed harder, and swing a fist against Richie’s cheek.

“Bill!” (y/n) screeched, leaping forward to break them up before something could happen.

She grabbed Richie by the elbow before he could land a punch, and yanked him back while Mike grabbed a secure hold on Bill.

“Face it! We’re losers! That’s it!” Richie snarled.

He shrugged (y/n’s) hold off of him, and her eyes shot to his, broken, and hurt.

“I’m going home.  I don’t want to get fucking killed too” He muttered, and when he stormed off to his bike, Bill didn’t stop him this time.

“R-Richie?” (y/n) called brokenly, stumbling forward on wobbly legs, but it didn’t matter, he was already zooming down the street as fast as he could.

Before she could crumpe to the ground, Beverly grabbed a hold of her, hugging her against her side comfortingly.

It was silent as everyone dispersed, barely giving each other a second glance as they rode off.

Beverly hugged (y/n) tight before she got on the back of Bill’s bike.  Murmuring a soft, ‘see you later’ that (y/n) wasn’t quite convinced of.

She didn’t have the energy in her to bike home, but the only other option was to sit outside Neibolt, alone, and the sun was beginning to set, so she gathered what little strength she had left in her to slowly make her way home. ___

When she came home past dinner, covered in muck and bruises, her parents barely batted an eye.  Even as she let out a soft cry with every step up the stairs, it was like they tuned her out completely.

It had thrown her around like a ragdoll after she tried to defend Eddie.  As brave as she’d tried to be, she’d been terrified, shaking straight down to the bone as she forced herself to stand in front of him.

The demonic clown had simply swing an arm, and sent her tumbling across the ground.

It took a long shower to get all the dirt scraped off her skin.  But even as it was washed down the drain, the memories of this afternoon would haunt her for life.

Maybe Bill was right.  Maybe It needed to be stopped now, before he could just keep coming back and traumatizing a new generation of children every thirty or so years.  But even if she really wanted to kill the creature, she wouldn’t even know where to begin.  And her brain was already swarmed with a worse thought,

Was Richie done with me?

She sniffled a bit at the idea, but wiped her eyes before they could be filled with tears.

No, he was just angry, and scared, he would never… he wouldn’t just leave like that… would he?

A few knocks on her window made her jolt up in bed, nerves spreading throughout her body like electricity.  She instantly thought that It had found her, and was back to finish what he’d started.

But as she rushed to turn on the lamp sitting on her bedside table, her muscles relaxed to see it was only Richie, waiting rather impatiently for her to unlock her window.

She threw the covers off of her, and moved as quickly as she could to let him in.

As soon as she pushed the window upwards, he was crawling in, oddly silent.

“Hey,” She murmured, not wanting to alert her parents downstairs that her boyfriend had snuck in.

He’d done so a million times before, and they’ve never gotten caught, but today was a rather awful day and she didn’t want to have one more thing ruined.

“Are you feeling be-”

“We need to talk” Richie mumbled, effectively cutting her off with the upsetting words.

“O-Okay…” (y/n) answered, trying not to jump to conclusions.  “What… about..?” She asked slowly.

“I think-” He started to speak quickly, but just couldn’t seem to finish the sentence.

He couldn’t even look her in the eyes.

“We- we should- we need to break up”

It was like her heart plummeted right out of her body, sending every nerve to go numb.  She had to have heard him wrong- this wasn’t like Richie- maybe this wasn’t even the real-

“I- I want to break up” He added in an even quieter voice.  She caught the crack in his words, and she shook her head in confusion.

“What?” She could barely manage to say the one word.

“I know you heard me,” Richie sighed, eyes finally flickering up to hers.  “Come on (y/n) don’t make this any more difficult than it-”

“You’re the one being difficult!” She whisper-hissed, eyes widening a bit in frustration.  “What are you doing? Wh- why are you-”

“Come on,” Richie whispered.  “Don’t do that-”

“Give me one reason why we should break up” (y/n) crossed her arms.  She wasn’t going to let him walk away that easy.  Something was up, and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

“We’re not a good fit, alright?” He answered, volume raising a bit above his previous murmur.  “We don’t work, and I was a fucking idiot to think that we would”

“Richie…” (y/n) sighed in disbelief.

“You wanted an answer-”

“Where is this coming from?” She asked with a shake of her head.  “I know you don’t really want to break up-”

“Well we have to!” He yelled, and they were both silent for a minute, trying to see if her parents had heard him.

When there was no response from downstairs, she snapped back at him.

“Why?” She stressed the word, desperate for him to just fess up whatever it was that was bothering him.

“Why? Do you even have to ask, (y/n)?” Richie asked.

Her eyebrows knitted together as he spoke in such a harsh tone.  Richie never talked to her like that.

“Look at me, (y/n)! I mean, come on, it was only a fucking matter of time before you got bored and realized how much of your time you’ve wasted on me!”

If she’d thought him trying to break up was horrible, this was even worse.

“Oh, Rich-”

“I’m a loser, (y/n), don’t you see that? Don’t you see how terrible for you I am?”

He was breaking her heart with every word.

“Haven’t you heard them? What people say? What our own friends say?” He asks her, but she doesn’t answer, because she can’t.  “I am dragging you down with every second of being with you”

“N-no-” She can’t hardly choke out the word, but Richie vents on anyways.

“Might as well just end things now, before one of us gets hurt”

He turns around, as if to head back out her window, but (y/n’s) faster.  She wedges herself in between his body, shutting and locking the window before he could just walk away.

“No, s-stop running away,” She cried, and when she looks up at him, she realizes that he can’t look at her because he’s crying too.  “Richie,” She whimpers, shaky hands reaching up to cup his face, making him look down at her.  “That’s not true, none of that is true-”

“It is” He replies, brokenly.

She shakes her head, and steps closer to him.

“It lied to you,” She tells him.  “I know It probably told you some terrible, nasty things,”

Richie squeezes his eyes shut, and the next thing he knows, he’s falling to his knees.  But (y/n) follows, kneeling down with him and shuffling even closer.

“But babe,” She murmured, “It was lying, it was all a trick”

She could feel his tears slipping down his cheeks and over her fingers.

“I just- I don’t want to drag you down-”

“Drag me down?” She repeats in a whisper, thumbs stroking away his tears once more.  “Richie,” His eyes open when she says his name, soft and sweet-like.

She pushes his glasses up on top of his mess of curls so she can swipe away the tears under his eyes.

“You do nothing but lift me up,” She tells him.  “You’re my ray of sunshine in this terrible fucking town,” An anxious and uncertain smile trembles on her lips.  “And all those things you’re so worried about, I love about you,”

There’s a pause as her eyes flicker between his, before gently placing his glasses back on his nose.

“I’m in love with you,” She murmurs.  “I love you so much,” She repeats in a sigh, just in case he didn’t hear her the first time.  “So much”

A short breath of a laugh escapes him, and a small smile begins to tug on his lips as he looks at her.  He knows she means it, he can feel it, he can see it in her eyes that she’s being genuine.

He takes her hands from his face, setting them gently in her lap before cupping her face in his own hands.

“I love you too” He tells her, and before he can lean in, she’s shooting forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and planting her lips on his firmly.

It’s unlike any other kisses they’ve shared.  It’s desperate, and careful, and loving, and conveyed every last drop of fear that they’d had in losing each other.  She’s kissing him so passionately that her chest is heaving, but she can’t bear to pull away now.

Richie holds her in his lap, and she’s wrapped up in his arms so securely that she’s sure, and she hopes, she’ll never be able to get out of them.

When her lips are swollen and her lungs are burning for oxygen, she finally leaned back slightly, but only by a few centimeters.

“You can’t leave me,” She tells him through heavy breaths.  Her eyes are still closed, but he’s staring intently at her anyways.  “I need you too much- don’t leave me”

He nods in agreement, caressing her cheek affectionately.

“Okay,” He hums, and kisses her lips chastely.  “I won’t… I won’t”

She falls forward, and embraces him tightly.

Richie’s arms wind around her lower back again, and they sit for a long time like this, catching their breath and holding onto one another firmly, so that neither can leave.

“We have to go back” Richie says after a long time.

“I know” She murmurs against his neck.

“We have to kill that fucking clown” He says, voice dropping it’s gentle tone, turning hard, and final.

“I know” She repeats, the same vengeful tone in her own voice.

Nothing was ever going to come between them again, that was for sure.

___

taglist: @thegr8kush​

xoxo ~ jordie