#hoping to get better soon as I've started taking more care of myself lately

[dangaer]

update: i am not. well

[homestylehughes]

shower sex

pairing(s): luke hughes x fem!reader

summary: after a terrible day, luke knows just what y/n needs. because what's a better relaxation than shower sex?

wc: 1.7k

warnings: smut 18+. little plot, mostly smut! pure filth, no use of y/n. cussing, pet names, dirty talk. oral, fem receiving. unprotected sex, p n v. hints of some angst, and cute fluffy boyfriend luke.

authors note: hiiiii!! luke smut! luke smut! luke smut! i loved writing this, i love luke, going through a luke phase rn badddd. i got this idea when i was writing the headcanons for him earlier. so here it isssss. i loved writing this. like and reblog if you enjoy<3 as always much love<3

happy reading<3

I've actually had the worst day ever. Everything. I mean everything is going wrong today. I was late for work today because I missed my alarm, even with me sprinting throughout our apartment, and speeding to the office. I was still late.

Then, I spilled my coffee all over me. That was my second straw. The worst part about it was that I had to work in my coffee-covered clothes the whole day, not being able to afford to leave work, which would cause me to be even more behind than I was.

I had so much work to do, i stayed 3 extra hours over, not pulling out of the parking lot until almost 8 p.m. everything hurt, each part of my body was exhausted. To make things worse, if they could get even worse, I haven't seen Luke in almost a week. 

The hockey season is wrapping up but Luke has been busy with spending time with his family, after Jack's surgery and training for the worlds. 

We both had hoped that I'd be able to get time off from work to spend time with him and his family, taking a little break for myself. That obviously didn't happen. 

So now, im driving back home to our apartment, in coffee cover clothes, with a pounding headache and empty stomach. The tears are threatening to fall over my waterline. 

Parking quickly in the lot, I get out and grab my things, making my way through the lobby to the elevator. The ride to the 8 floor feels like 30 years before the door opening signaling its floor. 

I slowly trudge down the hall to our door, pushing my key in and turning the lock, the refreshing smell and sense of being home felt in my body. Immediately I drop my things by the door, kicking off my shoes as I do. 

There's three things on my mind right now: shower, eat maybe, and bed. Luke is also on my mind but I'm so exhausted I can't even bring myself to message him back from earlier. 

Making my way to the bathroom, turning the water on to the highest it can go, wanting to burn and wash away the aftermath of the day. Peeling off my clothes, my body quickly relaxes as soon as the hot water hits my body. Leaning my head back letting it run all over my face. 

I can't tell if the wetness on my face is just water or a mix of tears, at this point I'm not sure I care. 

After five or so minutes of letting the water run along my body I reach for the shampoo, starting to wash my hair. The scrubbing on my scalp and the smell of my shampoo is enough to send me into a daze. Wash and rinse and wash and rinse again, the same action repeated with conditioner. 

As I'm rinsing the last bit of conditioner out of my hair, my back turned away to the door of the shower, my eyes closed in relaxation. I feel a hand slowly trail around my waist, my eyes quickly open in confusion, my body fast to move away from the person behind me.

“Hey baby its just me” luke chuckles from behind me, pulling me back into his body from behind, his hands circling my waist rubbing small circles on my hips. 

“You scared me '' I say as I lean back into his body, “sorry baby didn't mean to”, he says, breathing into my neck, his warmth on my neck is enough to make my knees weak. 

“How was your day?” he says, face still nuzzled in my neck. I sadly laugh before i speak “my day was terrible so fucking terrible.” I can feel my eyes begin to fill with tears again. 

Luke is quick to turn me around, grabbing my face in his hands holding it to look at his. “Hey baby, don't cry, it's okay. I'm here now, i'm sorry i haven't been here recently” he says while his eyes are locked with mine, wiping his fingers under my eyes where tears have now fallen. 

Feeling stupid for crying i mute out a small “sorry” to Luke, feeling bad he has to watch me cry like a baby. 

“Hey no, don't feel sorry. It's okay to cry". I don't deserve him, I say to myself. Not knowing what else to say, I push my face to his, locking our lips together. It's been almost a week since i've kissed luke, i missed the feeling of his lips, i've missed the feeling of him around me in general. 

Luke is quick to respond by pulling my hips closer to his body, his other hand on the back of my head. Taking control of the kiss by pushing my lips harder against his.

His tongue pressing against my lips, begging to be let in, opening my mouth slightly against his, lukes hot tongue slides into my mouth. I don't even try to fight for dominance, I just let him take control.

Our bodies moving together against the stream of hot water, the glass door fogging up around us. My body feels like it's on cloud nine just from that. Lukes the first to pull away, his pupils blown with lust, lips swollen and pink. 

“Fuck i missed that” he says, hes hands begin trailing up my body grabbing at my hips, tracing his hands along the under neath of my breasts, the action alone causing me to shutter. 

“Luke” I breathe out, now looking up at him, “what baby” he smirks down at me, now trailing one of his hands to my left nipple, rolling it in between two of fingers. 

“I need you now” I say quietly, “what do you need baby?” Luke says, bringing his face close to mine.

“I want you to fuck me, please” luke wastes no time smashing our lips back to together, walking us backwards and turning us around. My back hits the cold tile, the sensation causing me to moan into lukes mouth, our tongues began to move against each other again. 

Luke suddenly pulls away from me, I whine at the loss of contact. “Be patient baby” he says, as he tails his hand between my legs, pulling my thighs apart, caging me in by putting one of his legs between my thighs and the other on the outside of my other leg. 

I gasp as a feel his fingers slide in between my folds, “fuck baby, who got you this wet?” “you luke, you.” I say trying to push my hips to meet his fingers, my body craving some type of release. 

“Youre a needy little thing tonight arent you baby” he says to me in a teasing tone, “yes i am, and i need you to fuck me now please luke, stop teasing me” i say finally finding my voice. 

“You want me to fuck this little cunt huh?” Luke rasps back to me as he begins to slowly enter two fingers inside of me, I'm so wet, that they just slide right in. 

“I think i might just tease you for a little while longer baby” still slowly moving his fingers in and out of me. My body is rocking against the motion of my fingers thrusting in and out of me.

“Fuck i need more luke, please” i say moaning out to him, hoping he can see how desperate i am for him right now. 

  “Since you asked so nicely” he says, quickly removing his fingers from my pussy. Grabbing one of my legs pulling it up against his hip. 

I pull his face against mine, my hands finding his hair tugging and pushing his mouth against mine, our teeth and tongues clashing against another.

Luke takes a hold of his cock, giving it a few quick pulls before he pushes into me completely. “Oh fuck luke” i moan against his mouth, “you feel so good around me fuck baby” he groans out from above me pulling our lips apart, as he begins thrusting in and out of me.

Each roll of his hips feels like a gift sent from god, his grip on my things hurts so good. I begin to roll my hips to meet his thrusts. 

“Fuck yeah right there baby” luke moans out “keep fucking yourself against me” he says dropping his face into my neck leaving bites in his wake. 

Luke brings my leg higher against his hip, the new angle causing my vision to fog over. “Luke fuck. Oh my gosh,” “right there baby please”. My hands running over the landscape of his back, my nails definitely leaving a trail of red hot marks in their wake. 

The sound of the shower running, and the sound of our skin slapping together fills the shower. I can feel the sweat forming on my body, as luke continues to fuck me. His hand sliding inbetween our bodies, to my clit. 

“Fuck luke, yes right there” i moan out loudly. “That feels good baby, right there yeah? You want me to rub your pretty clit as i fuck you?”. Fuck him and that dirty mouth, “yes luke please, dont stop im close” my eyes falling shut in pleasure. “Fuck baby, i can feel you squeezing against me”

Luke's thrusts began to speed up, I can feel my high approaching. “Fuck luke, dont stop” “im almost there” i say, pulling our lips back together, moaning into each other mouths. 

One last snap of Luke's hips hits right against my clit, causing my whole body to start shaking. “Im coming fuck” i can barely get out as waves of pleasure taking over. My vision is completely white, as my climax racks through my body. 

Luke drops his face against mine, as he comes his moans filling my ears, his hips still snapping against mine, as we both ride out our highs. 

Luke's hips stop moving, trying to catch his breath, as he pulls his face from my neck, I open my eyes slowly to see Luke looking back at me with a slight smirk on his face, our chests still rapidly falling. 

“I think the shower is cold ”Luke says to me while smiling, “I don't care.” I whisper back, pulling our lips together once again in another kiss. Already forgetting about the terrible day, once his lips are back on mine. 

[gretavanmoon]

The Proposition (S17)

Spinning Now: "Birthday Sex" by Jeremih (2009)

Pairing: Danny x female reader

Word Count: 14.3k

Description: Danny's always been that friend and roommate who you never thought of as anything more, until a birthday proposition presents itself in a way that neither of you can deny.

Warnings: Drinking, Cursing, Heavy Flirting, Praise, Dirty Talk, Touching, Wax Play

Smut: Kissing, Oral M!Receiving, Oral F!Receiving, Fingering, Unprotected Sex (use protection!!)

+ This little diddly of an idea has been swimming around in my head for months now, and I've been so excited to get it going. And thanks to the reader who suggested it be a roomies trope ;) Hope ya like xoxo

Girl you know i i i...

HER POV

White or red?

There is no special occasion, simply just the bi-weekly dinner gathering of your friend group that has turned into an every-Thursday-night habit. Not that an occasion constitutes your wine choice, but still yet, the thought quickly crosses your mind. You are all meeting at your and Danny’s house tonight, along with the conjoined group of friends that has been steadily keeping each other fed for the past two and a half years, now. 

You’d been living with Danny for as long as you could remember, taking claim of his spare room sometime after everyone collectively moved out of your parents’ homes. The arrangement worked perfectly, the two of you already knowing how the other ticked after being friends for many years. Your jobs kept both of you busy, giving the other enough room that you didn’t feel like you were invading space in the small house. 

You pull your phone from your pocket as you peruse the wine selections, texting the group chat to check on tonight’s menu. 

You: What are we making tonight again? I already forgot

Jake: Salmon and quinoa and some other stuff

Jake: God your memory sucks

You: Emma, come get your man he’s being mean to me again

Emma: Quit picking on her babe 

You: Ok so I should get white wine, right? Pairs with fish?

Sam: Just get three fuckin bottles of wine, who cares

You: Ok I’m not coming if you guys are gonna continue to harass me

Sam: Too bad it’s your house and you have to be there anyway

You: I’ll lock myself in my room I don’t care

Danny: No Y/N, if they’re gonna be assholes they don’t have to come over. They can stay home and we can order pizza :)

Jake: Shut the fuck up Sam, I’m making the damned salmon and quinoa

Josh: What the fuck is quinoa

You shove your phone back in your pocket as you roll your eyes, the buzzing still consistent as you imagine they are still arguing with one another. 

It's funny how much Danny has been defending you lately. He’s still his normal self, your very good friend who sometimes lets his sweet side get the better of him, but in the past couple of months, something has switched. The more the brothers pick on you, the more he stands up for you. It used to be the opposite, with him joining in on your playful dog-piling any chance he could get. But ever since a couple of months ago… ever since his last birthday…

Almost three years ago now, you and Danny had found yourselves wrapped up in each other’s arms in his bed after a drunken night that started out like any other, dinner, socializing, cards, and way too much to drink. It was his birthday party, and after everyone else had cleared out, you stayed up to clean up the multitude of plastic cups and empty bottles that were scattered around the house. You were both fairly drunk, and you knew if you got the majority of the party cleaned up that night, you wouldn’t have to bother with it all while being inevitably hungover the next morning. 

“I’ll get out of your hair soon, Danny. I’m about to call an Uber to go stay with Emma.” You’d said as you dried the last of the dishes. He was sprawled out over on the loveseat, his shirt halfway unbuttoned and his mess of curls pulled up on top of his head. You’d always found him attractive, but you’d always been positive he was way out of your league. He’d never even given you a passing glance in that way. Except, that night, he looked exceptionally delicious… and your hazy, drunken mind undoubtedly had started to drift.

“What? Whyyyyy…? Don’t get an Uber, it’s too late,” he’d slurred as you walked over to sit on the ottoman his feet were rested on. 

“Becauseeee… it’s your birthday and I don’t want to interrupt your time with whatever guest you might have coming over.” You remember the words felt heavy in your mouth, like it was strange that you had never talked about Danny’s personal life out loud before. Or yours, for that matter. Even after all the years of being friends and roommates, the two of you had always taken things as they’d come… watching as strangers made their way in and out of your bedrooms without a second question.

“Guest?” His face contorted. “I ‘ont have a guest coming over, Y/N…”

You’d let your mouth gape open and your hand clutch your chest in a display of over-dramatics. “Really? No one to give you a happy ending on your birthday?! You must be falling off the wagon, Wagner.” 

What you do remember, though, was how hard he laughed at your half-assed attempt at a shitty joke. 

“I swear! Just me, tonight.” It was at that very second that you remember becoming enamored with the way he licked his lips, how he clicked his tongue just a little, and how his eyes had fluttered closed under his lashes. He’d reached his hand out for you to grab, so you did. 

“You gonna let me be lonely on my birthday, Y/N?” His warm fingers slowly worked their way to interlace with yours. This flirtatious tone wasn’t something you’d ever seen from him before, but for some reason, you found yourself tumbling for it. The deep rasp in his voice signaled something else, something so unexpected from him that you almost laughed it off as him kidding with you.

Your eyes had glanced around the room in confusion, and when you didn’t answer, you felt his foot kick into your leg, bringing your eyes back to look at him. His eyebrow was cocked in the air, as if he was waiting for an answer. 

“You’re drunk, Danny… you don’t…” you’d anxiously answered, nodding your head side to side in disbelief. 

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t want me to… stay…” for some reason, he was making you nervous, and you were having trouble answering him. There was no way he wanted you to stay, of all people. No way in hell.

He’d laughed, sitting up on the couch and leaning over to take you in his arms in a giant bear hug. His face was buried into your shoulder, pulling you close in the warmest embrace you’d had in a while. It was strange feeling him this closely, and you shivered a little at his touch. You’d hugged him back, and then felt his lips drift close to your ear. 

“I actually do… want you to stay here with me. In my room, in my bed, until tomorrow morning…” his voice crackled in your ear, the faint scent of spicy tequila still on his breath. It’d sent chills all over your body, and you had to admit, it was a strangely welcome feeling. Danny had never been this close to you, like this, ever before. His words had shocked your system, though, temporarily deeming you unable to respond. 

So when he finally pulled back from the hug and confidently met your eyes again, you let yourself go with it. You were still fairly intoxicated, but this drop dead gorgeous friend of yours who had hardly ever given you the time of day was now throwing himself into your lap. Why turn him down? It was his birthday, after all. 

“I never knew you were into me, Danny,” you’d cooed, watching as his fingers drifted across the back of your hand. 

He sat back and dropped his head against the cushion again, cracking his fingers above his head. “I‘ve always been into you, Y/N. You’re gorgeous and fun, make me laugh… always been so good to me.”

You’d never admitted it, but of course you had pictured yourself with him a time or two. How could you not? Talented, handsome, kind and genuine…always looking for fun and always including you in his outlandish plans. But this…him laying it out on the line like this? It had your body beginning to physically yearn for him, completely out of nowhere. 

“Stop playing, no you haven’t…” you’d argued, still in disbelief. 

He held his hands up in surrender, cocking a sideways smile. “I swear. I just… never had the guts to say anything…”

You contemplated it all for a second, giving him a questioning look that begged for his reassurance. 

“Why not, ya know? Not like we’re strangers…” you’d muttered through a sharp inhale.

You stood from the ottoman and slowly began stepping one foot in front of the other toward him, standing just between his legs. Your heart rate spiked as you answered him, your face flushing with the reality of what you were about to do.  “Just a birthday hookup, huh? Just this one time?”

You let your hand brush against his thigh, your fingers lightly tickling until they reached his hip. It felt as though your hands were disconnected from your body, making their own decision to reach out and touch him as he sat reclined in front of you. Gently, his hands pulled around your waist, his thumbs digging into the flesh, strong and inviting. 

“Just this one time…and that’s it.”

That night, the two of you stayed up until the winter sun was striking through the windows onto Danny’s white down comforter, and only then did the two of you finally drift off to a short but sweet slumber, until the alarm on his phone woke you both in a panic. 

You’d fallen asleep upside-down on the bed, both of your heads at the foot of his king-size. His arm was draped across the small of your back, and his hair was still a messy bundle of curls at the back of his head. 

“Fuck,” he’d muttered, rubbing his eyes. “What time is it?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know, it’s your alarm…”

Suddenly, now, in the light of day and the brightness of the room, the both of you became very conscious of your unclothed selves. You’d felt your cheeks blush at the sight of him, skin still dewy with the after-effects of sweat and sex. You didn’t miss his passing glance of you, too, still halfway wrapped up in his sheets as he maneuvered to the top of the bed to check the time.

“‘S only seven. Shit, I’ve got a headache…” he said, running a hand over his face. 

“Me too,” you mumbled as he laid back down beside you. You pulled the covers up a bit more over your body, feeling extremely exposed in the bright sunlight. He propped himself up on his elbows, giving you a sweet and questioning look. “So, what are we supposed to do now?” you’d asked. “Cuddle?”

His laugh bounced off the walls, the glitter in his eye sending a wave of nerves through your body. 

“We cuddled plenty last night, Y/N. We didn’t end up falling asleep until like, six,” he said, his voice groggy with sleep, or lack thereof. 

“Fuck,” you breathed. “I’m sorry for keeping you up all night, I know you have things to do all day–” he cut you off with a kiss, his neck craning down to meet your lips with the sweetest surprise touch. 

After a few fleeting seconds he pulled away, meeting your eyes as he spoke again. “Don’t you dare apologize to me, Y/N. I asked you to stay in here. Asked you to keep me company on my birthday.” His hand reached up to pull the hair away from your cheek, bringing instant flashbacks of his hands on your face and shoulders last night as he pinned you down, fucking you into his mattress. “I was just completely unaware that both of us would last for that many hours…” he laughed, rolling away to cover his face. 

“God, Danny, don’t embarrass me!” you laughed along with him. 

“What is there to be embarrassed about?! Shit, I think we were great together,” he went on, holding his hand out for you to low-five.

You pursed your lips together, letting your hand clap onto his. “We were, weren’t we? Never would have thought.”

“Shit, I thought about it all the time…” he admitted. 

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” you played, smacking him across the chest. 

“I don’t know, you’re just a girl in my friend group, ya know? My roommate that helps me with rent…didn’t want to freak you out or something and make you hate me,” he explained.

You propped up on your elbow, shaking your head at him. “So we could have been doing this all along?”

“Oh, so you enjoyed yourself, then?” he countered, rolling you to lie on your back as he pulled himself over you again. 

As you gazed up at him above you, small curly strands falling around his face and onto yours, you felt your face get hot, the same need you felt in your stomach for him last night coming back full force. A need you never thought you would have for him. A need that came back to you over and over again the night before, and left you both too exhausted to even bother to see the morning.

“Danny, we fucked like five times, of course I enjoyed myself,” you tried to keep the confidence heavy in your voice. 

His nose scrunched up as he giggled, light and airy into the room. He laced his fingers with yours, lifting your hands together into the air and pulling them back down between you again. This time, you took the initiative and kissed him again, straining to keep things from moving as quickly as they had moved once you finally climbed into his lap on the couch last night.

When you finally separated, both of you refraining from letting it go any further, he disconnected your hands and clenched his jaw. “What do we do now?”

You didn’t want a relationship. And neither did he. That much was very known amongst your friend group, the both of you way too busy with your own lives to devote your time to another. You stood strong in that decision, and you knew for a fact that he would, too. So your mind began wandering, thinking of ways to end this entanglement you’d found yourselves in. 

“What if we just… did this sometimes?” you proposed. 

His brow furrowed. “I’m listening…”

“Our birthdays. Yours in December, and mine in June… it’s perfect. If the both of us are single on our birthday each year, we make a plan to not leave the other lonely…” The idea seemed preposterous, but at the same time, it didn't. A sure-fire way to make each of your birthdays interesting each year, and after the night you’d shared last night, you’re positive he wouldn’t turn the idea down.

His eyes dashed around the room as he considered it, taking a deep breath as he sat up in the bed. You caught a glance of his naked lower half, and your eyes rolled back on their own accord as you pictured his hips pounding into yours last night in the darkness of his bedroom. You sat up too, challenging his gaze. 

He held his hand out again, this time for you to shake. 

“Deal.”

—-

After deciding on the three bottles of wine, two white and a red, your mind begins wandering off by itself, causing you to hardly pay attention to the fact that you are singing the words to the song playing in your headphones out loud. You bite your lips, glancing around to see if anyone had seen you, or worse, heard your horribly flat singing voice. Luckily the aisle is clear, so you make a mad dash for the checkout line, ready to get out and head back home for dinner. 

The drive is short, and when you finally arrive in the driveway, you find that you’re the last one to get there. 

“Hello, hello,” you sing as you let yourself inside, kicking off your flip flops at the door. You set the bag of wine bottles on his island where Jake and Sam are busy preparing the meal. 

“Thank god, the booze is here!” you hear Josh sing through the house as he makes his way over to stand beside you, opening the drawer of the island to search for Danny’s wine opener. You set all three bottles in line on the countertop in a nice straight line. “Shiraz, Y/N? That’s surely a bold choice…” Josh says, rolling his eyes. 

“The label looked pretty, I don’t know!” you counter, shoving your shoulder into his. “It already smells really good, guys…” you say as you leave Josh to the wine, leaning over Jake’s shoulder as he stirs a pot at the stove. Suddenly Danny is leaning over his other side, sticking his finger in whatever sauce Jake is stirring.

“Aht, aht!” Jake swats his hand away just as Danny sticks his finger into the saucepan. “It’s not perfect yet…”

“Tastes good as hell to me,” Danny says, locking eyes with you as he pops his lips over his finger. You feel your insides churn.

“So Y/N, your birthday is next week, you guys planning your weird little bi-yearly birthday hookup still?” Josh nonchalantly asks as he yanks the cork from the bottle of red. Fortunately, it only took nearly two years for your friends to catch on to your and Danny’s little birthday agreement, when Jake inadvertently tried to surprise Danny with filling up his bathroom with balloons, only to find you bent over the bathroom sink. 

“Christ, Josh, you have to put it like that?” Danny intervened. “Geez…”

“What?! That’s what it is, right?” Josh says as he pulls glasses down from the cabinet. You feel your face blush, even though it’s an open topic, at this point. 

Danny pulls himself up to sit on the corner of his countertop. “No, we simply enjoy the other’s company on our birthdays because both of us suck at the dating playing field and always decide to indulge in one another’s availability, right Y/N?”

“That’s correct,” you confidently agree as you listen to the others groan.

Josh throws his head back and laughs loudly. 

“What?” Danny yelps.

“You don’t think it’s funny that neither of you have ever had a significant other on your birthdays for the past what, three years now?” Josh says, eliciting silent looks of agreement from his brothers.

“Mmm, no, I don’t think it’s funny. We both suck at dating, you heard him. This is just…our way of making sure we aren’t alone twice a year.” The attempt at explaining yourselves is transparent, at this point. You know you’re lying to yourselves. It's obvious. Each and every time you pull yourself from Danny’s bed, or he from yours, you feel your bones begging you to stay. You like him, you’ll admit it, but only to yourself. 

Twice a year isn’t enough, it was never enough. And you know for a fact that it will never be enough. On his birthday last year, you could have sworn you heard him say something close to the ‘L’ word as he came for the third time that night, his voice low and whining as you clenched around him, bringing him to his completely fucked-out state of mind. Each hookup had gotten hotter, heavier, and more serious. Each time was better than the last, and this last one was so intense, that you ended up staying in his room a second night, completely breaking your own rules. 

As you slipped out of his bedroom that second morning, his honey brown eyes were begging you to stay, his lips touching his fingertips and blowing it your way as you quietly shut his bedroom door behind you. 

That morning broke you. That morning your heart told you what it wanted. 

That morning was the last time you denied it to yourself– you were absolutely head over heels for him. The yearning you’d felt had begun overtaking your whole self. And it wasn’t just yearning, it was something else. Something more powerful, something you couldn’t grasp the notion of, because you’d never felt it before. It’s now become something that makes your days drag by with the thought of him, not only sexually but personally, too. You feel wrapped up in his life, intertwined with his decisions, and some days you barely even have the time to give each other more than a goodmorning and goodnight. Sure, you still meet up every week with your group for dinner, but the subtle touches and the intense glances that are being shared almost on the daily now have become too much. You want to tell him. You need to tell him.

“Hm. Okay, so… what’s the plan this year?” Josh asks, obviously wanting to pry into your business, just like always. 

“Josh, it’s none of your fucking business. Can you leave them alone for a second?” Sam says as he empties the box of rice into the insta-pot. 

“No, it’s fine. I have big plans…” Danny bites his cheeks in as he denies himself a cheeky smile, swinging his bare feet as he sits on the counter. His eyes are boring into yours, and you swear just a simple word from him would have you on your knees for him, anymore. 

“Big plans, huh?” you try to avoid his stare. 

“Mmmmhm…” he says, grinning to himself. “Might have you running away and never coming back, though.”

You nearly choke on the sip of wine swirling in your mouth. Throughout the years, you will admit, your hookups had gotten more and more mischievous as time went on, both of you pushing each other’s boundaries just a little more each time. Nothing had ever gotten too crazy, but after his birthday last year, it was an unwritten understanding that not much was off the table, at all. 

Sam plugs his ears with his fingers. “La la la I don’t wanna hear details!”

Jake pulls his wooden spoon from the sauce, turning to face all of you. “I do, I wanna hear it. Keep going. What’s the plan?”

“I’m not fuckin’ tellin’ you guys, it’ll ruin the surprise,” Danny argues as Josh hands him a glass of wine. 

“Okay well you can tell me after her birthday then, right?” Jake pushes. 

Emma steps in front of him, taking the now dripping spoon from his hand and running her tongue up the side to catch it from going into the floor. “Yeah Danny, maybe you should give him the rundown, maybe it’ll get his wheels turning,” she challenges, bouncing her eyebrows to Jake as she places the spoon back into the sauce. You laugh at her, feeling no embarrassment in the least. 

“Get my wheels turning?! What is that supposed to mean?!” Jake yells, grabbing her waist from behind and spinning her around the kitchen. 

You lock eyes with Danny again as he gives you a suspicious look of excitement, like he’s trying his hardest to keep his idea locked inside. 

—---

After a rambunctious and wine-drunk dinner, everyone begins to file out of the house, stumbling away to either walk down the street to their respective homes, or catching a ride out with other friends to the nearest bar. You’re left behind again, like always, helping Danny with dishes and pouring out the remaining bits of wine left behind in the glasses. 

“So, next week. The big 2-5. You still down for hanging out?” he asks as he dries the last dish, as if you would ever say no. 

“Actually, I think I’m going to spend this year alone, ya know? Keep it low key, order some take-out and curl up on the couch,” you say with a cheeky tone.

His jaw hangs slack as he nearly drops the towel in his hand. “Really?”

You scoff. “No, Danny. Are you serious? We shook on it, and I don’t break my promises,” you laugh. You slowly walk toward him, the line between friend and more than a friend getting blurrier as time goes on. You want to put your hands on his bare chest, press yourself against his warm body, crane your neck up to meet for a sweet kiss, but you don’t. Because you can’t. Because he isn’t yours. 

So instead you just simply stand before him, leaning a hand onto the countertop. 

He lets out an audible sigh of relief. “Shew, good. I was about to be pissed at you, Y/N,” he breathes as he playfully shoves your shoulder. “Standing me up on your birthday…”

You smile as you realize your feet are carrying you closer to him on their own. You try to stop them, try to tell them no, but you can’t. Now you’re standing in front of him, your chests almost touching as you let your finger trail up his arm to his neck. “I’d never stand you up, Danny. Not in a million years,” you murmur. 

You feel his body stiffen as you let your singular fingertip connect with his skin, your touch a featherlight drift. You glance down at his hand balanced on the cold marble countertop, his fingers tightening and loosening under the weight of his own want to touch you back. You hear him breathe in, fast and choppy as you begin to manipulate the line between friends and more, truly unable to keep it black and white no matter how much you try. Finally you let your eyes look into his, dark and brooding and looking a lot like they do after a few rounds of self-indulgence with you.

“Good,” he growls, “because I have a hell of a night planned for us.”

Us.

“Is that right?” you question, still trailing your fingertip across his arm and neck. You can see the chill bumps forming on his skin now, and you can tell he is physically restraining himself from succumbing to his mental constraints. You have to admit, you’re finding it very satisfying, watching his mind tell his body no. The muscles in his arms flex and tighten as you step closer, slowly tiptoeing to bring your faces close, your lips barely ghosting his. 

“That’s very right,” he whispers, opening his mouth slightly as if he’s going to kiss you, but instead pulling back a little. The proximity is enough to make you feel soaked already, your entire body buzzing with fire for him. 

“When do you want me ready?” you breathe, letting your lips graze across his, your finger now hooked behind his bicep. His hands are still gripping as he balances between the island and the countertop as he leans down to you, restraining himself still yet. 

He’s inhaling and blowing air quickly through his nose, and you know for a fact that he’s holding himself back with everything in him. His jaw clenches hard as his eyes stay trained on your lips. “Want you right now, if I’m being honest…” His words make the butterflies in your stomach explode their wings. 

You can taste the wine still heavy on his breath. “But it’s not my birthday, Danny…” you retort.

He takes a deep breath. “I’m getting to a point where I don’t care.”

You swallow it down. Maybe your thoughts are mutual… Your heart is absolutely racing, like it would do when you found out your elementary school crush liked you back. You don’t even know what to say, at this point, you want him so badly…your vision blurring with the mental snaps of the two of you wrapped up in one another again. 

“You should care, we have an agreement,” you admit through your teeth, as badly as it hurts to say it. “We set our rules.”

He scoffs hard. “I don’t remember signing my name on any dotted line, Y/N,” he spurts back, making you feel that drop in your stomach again. He wants to break the rules, too.

You bite your lips in, deciding to cut your losses. You step back from him, disconnecting your finger from behind his arm, and stepping away. The flushed look on his pink cheeks is enough to make you want to run back into his arms, and the look on his face makes it seem as though he just lost the one thing in his life he never planned on having, anyway. 

“I asked you a question, Danny. When do you want me ready?” you say strongly. 

He closes his eyes and recenters, swallowing down his thoughts. “Uh, uhm. F-Friday. Around 8.” He finally cleans up his expression and meets you with a smile again. “Be ready to celebrate.”

—--

DANNY POV

Friday rolls around more quickly than you thought it would. The group had decided to rain-check family dinner this week, planning on celebrating Y/N’s birthday the following weekend when everyone would be in town at the same time. 

Your palms had been sweaty all day just at the thought of what tonight would hold, and you realize that you hadn’t been this anxious for a night together with Y/N, yet. The nerves are positively eating you alive, but you shove them down, knowing that you shouldn’t be having them in the first place. She doesn’t feel for you the same way you feel for her, and she likely never will. 

It’s heartbreaking and wasteful, really, knowing that your sexual chemistry with her is only put to good use twice a fucking year when it should be being shared with her whenever you wanted to show her how much you really care, but. Here you find yourself. 

She’s taking up all the extra space in your mind these days. You feel like you’re floating on air each and every time the vision of her face pops into your mind, you feel like you can feel the blood in your veins rising to a hotter temperature than you’ve ever experienced, and you find yourself wanting to give her all the things she’s ever wanted, and more. Your friend, one of your best friends, you’d say, unknowingly spinning herself into your life in a way that you can’t even tell her about.

That last birthday you shared together, your twenty-fifth, wasn’t the same as the rest before it. Sure, fucking her was high on your list of excellent sexual experiences thus far, but that last time, shit. Had your head spinning for days after. Never had a woman gotten you more fucked up than she did after that night. Two nights, really. That was when you knew it was real. When you wanted to ask her to stay, don’t go… be with me here and don’t ever leave… But your pride got the best of you. So you let her walk out, taking every single last bit of hope you had to make her yours with her as she walked out your bedroom door. 

Could she not see it? Did she not notice how horribly you want her, all the time? Surely she doesn’t think you’re just being nice when you do little things for her… offer to change the oil in her car, take her lunch to work, send her every single funny meme and video you have ever come across simply because you know they’ll make her laugh…

Apparently not. But you don’t want to push too hard, too soon, either. If it’s meant to happen, it will. Hell, you hadn’t even told Sam about these feelings you’d been having. No one knows. This is a secret you’d kept bottled up for months now. 

You come back inside after a quick trip to the grocery store and gently place the items from your arms onto the island, making sure the champagne bottle doesn’t tip over and break. You stick the bottle into the fridge and remove everything else from the plastic bags before rushing into your bedroom to make sure it’s presentable. 

While she was at work, you’d spent the majority of the day cleaning up the general guy-ness of your bedroom, putting on a fresh set of sheets and giving the bathroom a good wipe-down. You’d never cared this much, for what she thinks of your surroundings…

…But you want tonight to be special. You want this birthday to be her favorite one, yet. And you’re determined to do so. You’d placed various candles around the surfaces of your bedroom, trying to make it romantic, but not so much that it will make her think you’re trying too hard.

When you decide that your room is as neat as it’s going to get, you go back into the kitchen and tear into the small cardboard box that’s been hiding away on top of your refrigerator for almost a month now. You’d seen an ad for it while scrolling instagram or something, and you knew right then that you had to get it. Your birthdays spent with her were becoming more and more experimental, and the idea for this year had fallen right into your lap. 

You rip the packing tape off the box, letting it fall to the wayside as you open the flaps, finding the perfectly wrapped 2 and 5 candles in all their glittering glory. Shiny, crimson red wax with metallic gold trimming, long wicks and a thickness that regular store-bought candles just don’t have. You smirk as you pull them from the packaging and lay them in front of her small cake- chocolate with white buttercream icing. Her favorite. A glance at the clock on the stove lets you know you have an hour until she gets home, so you scurry off to the shower to get a last-minute scrub before you inevitably hear her coming through the door. 

—--

Your stomach nearly falls to the floor when you hear the front door unlatch, and you find her a  tired and flustered mess after her long shift. You busy yourself on your laptop, trying your best to seem more involved with what you’re doing than watching her unload her things from her arms onto the table.

“Hey birthday girl,” you mutter without looking back at her. “How was your day?”

You feel her lean all her body weight across the back of the couch beside you. “Long,” she huffs, “but not bad.”

You find the confidence to turn your head to her, finding her resting her head into her palm as she eyes you. You have to reel it all back in as you feel her so closely in your presence again. 

“Good,” you reply, keeping it short. “Not too tired to skip our date?”

She hums a sweet laugh. “No. Most definitely not.”

“Are we…leaving the house? I’m trying to decide what to wear…” she asks shyly.

You have to remind yourself that she’s your friend, there’s nothing to be scared of, you do this all the time…

“No, actually. We’re staying home,” you reply.

Home. Your home, with her. 

“Eight o’clock?” she reiterates.

“Yep, on the dot,” you tease as she stands to make her way to her end of the house.

She sways down the hallway, tossing her jacket over her shoulder as she disappears into the shadows. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

—---

A few hours later, you’re leaned on the island swirling a lowball glass of tequila, waiting for her to emerge from her bedroom. You’d been standing patiently, fashionably early for your birthday date in the kitchen as you listened to the faint sounds of her music playing as she got ready. 

Your nerves are already shot, the tequila doing little to assist in qualming the nervous anxiety swirling through you. So when you finally hear her bedroom door open and her steps coming down the hall, you have to tilt the rest back in hopes that it will hit you a little more quickly. 

She’s dressed cute, but comfortable, and you can tell she did her hair that special way that you’d complimented a few weeks ago. She smells like sweet sugary flowers mixed with the woodsy smell of rain, and just her scent as she approached you was already driving you insane. 

You meet her in the middle of the kitchen, grabbing her hand to twirl her around into your embrace. “Happy birthday, gorgeous,” you mutter, your face falling into her hair for a second. 

Her arms lift around your neck, squeezing just a little as she places the sweetest kiss to your cheek. “Thank you, Danny.” You allow yourself to hold her for just a second, your right hand gripping the wrist of your left at the back of her waist. 

“You hungry?” You ask as you pull away from her. 

“Yeah, whatcha making?” she replies, taking a seat at the island. 

You grab the box of the frozen pizza you’d previously thrown in the oven, displaying it for her. 

“Oh my god, my favorite!” she squeals. “I’m so excited.”

You laugh as you fold the box up, cramming it into the trash can. “Knew you would be. It’s not a five-star birthday meal, but. Let’s be honest. I can’t cook for shit, and you love this pizza more than you love a lot of things…”

“No, you’re so right. I’ve actually been craving it for a while,” she giggles. 

“Wait, I also gotttttt….” You make your way to the fridge, pulling out the bottle of champagne. 

“Shit, pizza and champagne? You know exactly how to make a girl happy, Daniel.” She blushes a little, and you know you’re on the right track for the night. 

“You gotta open it, though. It’s bad luck if someone else opens the champagne bottle on your birthday,” you lie, scooting the bottle to her across the countertop. 

“You’re crazy. Give it,” she rolls her eyes as she takes the bottle, twisting the key seven times and removing the wire casing. She stands from her chair, gripping the bottle in both hands as she searches for somewhere to aim. 

“At the wall! Just not toward a window!” you warn, closing one eye as she begins to push on the cork. Finally it pops off, flying toward the wall as the bubbly pours from the neck of the bottle. “Get it, Y/N, get it!” 

She cups her lips over the overflowing bottle, slurping up as much as she can before it flows into the floor. The two of you laugh as you bring two glasses over, letting her pour them up. Just then the timer for the pizza goes off, and the sound of the beeps reminds you that time is ticking, making your nerves rush for the main event. 

——-

After stuffing yourselves with pizza and downing the bottle of champagne, the two of you are piled up on the couch sharing a six pack of some crazy peach flavored beer she’d bought last week. 

You’re seated on the couch as she reclines across it, her legs in your lap. You’d talked a lot tonight, like more than you maybe ever have before. Sure, you’d been friends for many years now, but majority of the time, you’re surrounded by the other guys always intervening on your conversations, or interrupting your discussions. 

But after three hours of deep exchange, you swear you could talk to her until the end of time, and never get tired of it. She looks natural with her bare, sunkissed legs draped across your lap, and your hand that’s mindlessly drifting over her thigh and knee looks like it belongs there. 

Her drunken laughter bounces off the walls and right into your chest, making your entire self beam with happiness and adoration for her. The way she takes up space in the home you share gives you an inexplicable feeling. Roommates doesn’t even begin to describe what you want to title your living situation with her.

Your faces are blotched red and tears are falling from your eyes as the two of you come down from a laughing fit, and a sweet recovery silence falls over the both of you. Her eyes are bloodshot from the alcohol, and her face is flushed from the belly laughs. 

“You’re really pretty, Danny,” she flits, making you whip your head her way. 

“What?” you ask, embarrassed. 

“You’re pretty. Well, you’re handsome, of course, but. You’re also pretty,” she explains, her words making you feel shy. 

“Oh, thank you, Y/N. Don’t think anyone’s ever told me that before…” you respond. Your hand grips into her thigh a little bit as your head falls back onto the couch cushion. You meet her eyes, the both of you staring at each other while everything else in the room disappears. You hold the gaze for a long while, each passing second making your breathing pick up. Fuck, she makes you nervous. 

Finally, she stands, pushing her hair back behind her ear as she reaches for you to take her hand. “Take me to bed, Danny…” she whispers. 

Okay. 

You slowly stand, keeping her hand in yours as she pulls you into the center of the room. Like magnets, your bodies are pulled into one another, your hands finding both of hers as you turn to walk her backwards down the hall to your room. You move in slow motion as the two of you glide across the wooden floors, taking your sweet, special time. 

You take her chin between your fingers, and push her hair back again before leaning down to press your lips to hers. It’s gentle and sweet and slow, her lips parting only just a little bit as you guide her down the long hallway. You allow yourself the indulgence of her lips, the feeling of her tongue gently swiping across yours, the flavor of everything that she is. It’s all perfect, she’s perfect. 

Her hands finally find your face and hair, entangling themselves like they always do, pulling you further into her. For this only being the sixth time you’ve done this, it feels like the most natural thing in the world to you. It doesn’t make any sense that you waste your time thinking about it, instead of giving her the loving that she deserves. 

But you plan on showing her tonight. You may not be able to tell her, but damned if you can’t try your best to show her. 

“Wait, I almost forgot,” you pause as you approach your bedroom door. “I’ll be right back. Stay here,” you command, squeezing her shoulders. “No peeking,” you whisper as you watch her eyelids close.  

You’d already strategically placed her cake on the table in your room, with two forks and no plates. But the last finishing touch is the sporadically placed candles. You grab your lighter from your nightstand and light them one by one, watching as the flickering flames cast a warm glow across your walls. Perfect. Lastly, you place the 2 and 5 candles in the center of the cake, but wait to light them. 

You slip back out into the hall, finding her still standing with her eyes closed. You grab her hands and pull her to walk toward you. “Keep them closed.”

Her smile lights up your entire world. “What are we doing, Danny? I’m scared…” 

“Don’t be scared, babe. S’just me…”

You pull her inside, instructing her to sit down on the bed as you grab the cake and lighter. You balance it in one hand and flick the lighter with the other, lighting the wicks of both the number candles. 

“Open your eyes.”

Her eyes flick open, finding the room completely illuminated with orange glow. “Ah, Danny…” she gasps, glancing around the room, and finally to the cake in your hands in front of her. 

“Hm hm hmm hm hmmm hmm…” you hum the Happy Birthday song, your voice a bit shaky and jittery with nerves. “Don’t forget to make a wish,” you say, watching as her eyes flick to yours, then back to the cake in your hands. She closes her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again, and blowing out the flames of her 25.

“You wanna know what I wished for?” she asks. 

You shake your head. “No. But I hope it comes true.”

You set the cake down on your nightstand and you sit back down beside her on your bed. You bring her in close again, letting your forehead balance on hers before you make contact. You swear to it, you could get lost in kissing her more easily than you could get lost in a foreign country. You’d kissed her a hundred times before, but lately…now…

Things move slowly, things move sweetly…normally the two of you waste no time in ripping one another’s clothes off, biting and scratching and devouring each other like you’re starved, but tonight feels like it deserves more attention than that. It deserves to be appreciated. 

Your hands drift to the bottom hem of her cream-colored eyelet lace dress, your hand drifting up her thigh. You pull the dress as you go, revealing her thong hugging her hip. Your hand slips below the waistband, and you run your fingers along it and down the front pantyline, the backs of your knuckles skimming across her heat. She whines a little at the contact, and you feel your vision growing blurry. 

You continue kissing her while slowly letting your hands explore her in a way you’ve never let them before, taking special care to pay attention to your every move. The kiss becomes more longing when you let a digit slip into her folds, feeling her wetness coating your finger for the first time in six months. Her hands grip onto your shoulders, pulling your upper body into her. You push her back to lay on the bed, never once disconnecting your mouths. 

Her left knee is bent into the air while the other one lies flat, so you push it to the side a little as your hand still hides in her panties. Her hand is yanking at the back of your hair as your featherlight touch drifts up and down, finally landing on her sweet spot. She cries quietly into your mouth when you land on it just right, using your middle finger to swirl her wetness across it. 

She sits up a little, reaching to your back to pull your cotton t-shirt over your head. You disconnect for just a second to help her, and toss it to the floor. “Mmm there you are,” she mumbles, her hands rushing across the skin of your chest and arms while you go back to work. 

You feel her legs spread, giving you the ok to move further. You let your two middle fingers dip inside of her to the hilt, her muscles already tight and twisting around you. “Fuck baby, you’re tight…” you pull away long enough to say. With your words she tightens around you on purpose, clenching herself as you begin pumping your hand in and out of her. You start to wonder if you’re the only one she’s slept with since December. Not that it’s any of your business, but, lately you’d decided that your feelings for her had gathered so heavily in your chest that that six month gap would be worth it, if it meant she could be all yours.

You watch her face in awe, suddenly feeling no ounce of shyness in the least in watching her come undone around your hand. Her bottom lip bites into her mouth as her eyelids flutter open and shut, and the sounds that escape from her lips make you realize how beyond ready for her you are. 

You continue pumping your fingers in and out of her, feeling her drip down onto the bed sheets below you. “You wanna let go like this for me, baby?” you ask, having trouble keeping your breaths even. 

“No. Yes, but no…” she concedes. “Wanna… want you…”

You smirk. “Go ahead, Y/N, we’ve got all night. You know how we are...” You take the opportunity to twist your fingers inside of her, turning your arm so that your palm is now pressed against her heat instead of perpendicular with it. You lean down and lick a stripe up the side of her neck as you leave your fingers buried deep, stopping the pumping altogether and instead wiggling the tips of your fingers against the spot deep inside her. 

“Fuck Danny,” she breathes. “Keep it there keep it there…” Her eyes squeeze shut as you watch her chase her high, her hand squeezing at your pec and gripping onto it with everything she has. 

It’s impressive really, how much you’d learned her body after just being with her a handful of times over the course of three years, learning her ins and outs and what drives her crazy for you, and stowing them away at the back of your mind until the next birthday. 

You make quick and heady work of brushing your fingers across that spot, pressing your palm against her clit and adding just the right amount of circular pressure in both places. Her legs fall open even further and her head tilts back, all of her muscles tightening as she cries out, giving you her first orgasm of the night. And you had barely even removed any clothing yet. 

When she’s done, you gather up her wetness and pull it onto her stomach under her dress, letting your middle finger massage it onto her skin. “Fuck…” she breathes out, wiping the hair from her face. “That didn’t take me long,” she laughs.

“No, it didn’t,” you agree, sitting up on the bed. “Must be excited to see me.” 

She sits up and stands from the bed, pulling her flowy cream dress up over her hips and hiking one knee after the other across either side of you. You lean back away from her straddle, resting your arms back on the bed as you get a good look at her, already glowy. She reaches up and clasps her hands behind your neck. “Very excited to see you,” she admits shyly. 

“Hm, really? You see me every day,” you poke, trying to feel out her level. 

“Yeah but we can’t do this on random Tuesday afternoons, or in front of our friends, now, can we?” she presses, letting her hips fall onto your lap. You reach one finger to her chest and trail it up to under her chin, pulling her into you. Your heart begins pounding as you fall into a ravenous kiss again, this time bringing more heat than you even began to touch on a few minutes ago. Your hands fall to her waist, pulling her down onto you as she moves her knees to sit closer, pressing your chests together. Your hands travel across her thighs and to her waist, then finally around to grip her ass. 

Though your tongue is burying itself deeply into her mouth, you’re metaphorically biting it. You want to tell her that yes, you do want to move things in another direction with her, you do want to hold her hand in front of your friends, you do want them to know how crazy you actually are for her. So in an act of boldness, you try. 

“Maybe not in this regard, but they probably wouldn’t mind a little PDA…” 

She giggles as she wraps her hands in your hair. “PDA? Like flirting with each other? In front of them?”

“Yeah, just like that. They already know we sleep together sometimes, they have to know we, ya know… are allowed to let it flow into days that aren’t our birthdays…” you swallow the words down, feeling so anxious that she may take them the wrong way, or hate them altogether. 

“You think they’d make fun of us?” she asks, her mouth kissing behind your ear.

“Oh yeah, they would. But, I’d be there to slap the fuck out of them if they embarrass you,” you respond, squeezing your hands into her hips. 

Her tongue is tickling the sensitive skin around your ear as she lays tiny pecks near your hairline. “I think I’d be okay with a little flirting… sometimes it almost happens naturally, anyway,” she says, making your heart rate soar again. 

“Really?”

She nods, coming up to face you now, her cheeks tinted the palest pink. “Mmhm, sometimes I have to stop myself from touching you in front of them. You know, just innocently.”

You swallow hard, knowing the exact feeling all too well. When you’re surrounded by your friends making dinner or whatever it may be, you’ve found yourself having to stop your hand from grazing across her lower back as you walk by, from leaning down to kiss her cheek, anything, all the time. She’s right, it does feel natural to want to do that. 

“I do, too, actually,” you admit. “You… It feels normal to me. Just a reflex.” You buck your hips up into her as you speak, your body begging you for some contact. 

The whimper that leaves her chest ignites that deep carnal instinct inside you, wanting, needing to connect yourself with her again. You gather the soft fabric of her dress in your hands, signaling to her that you want to pull it off. She lifts her arms above her head, allowing you easy access to tear it all the way off of her. As her hair cascades back down over her shoulders you realize that her dress didn’t require a bra. So, you’re left staring at her left only in her thong, her breasts sitting more perfectly than you remember them. “You’re so gorgeous, Y/N, I swear…” you grit, raking over her body with your eyes. 

She hops off of your lap, motioning with one finger for you to stand. When you follow her order, she falls to her knees, working her fingers to unbutton your jeans. “Fuck, wait,” you say. Her eyes glance up at you through her eyelashes. “Pull your hair back.”

She does as you say, pulling her hair into a ponytail at her neck while you undo your jeans with one swift movement. She gets done with her hair quickly, swatting your hand away and pulling your zipper down. “Take them all the way off, Danny,” she demands, and the backs of your knees hit the mattress as you lean over, kicking them and your underwear off one leg at a time. You kick them to the side as she walks on her knees closer to you, taking your already over-hard dick in her right hand, licking her lips just a little before she swirls her tongue around the tip. Everything had just happened really fast, her urgency making your blood pump. Her tongue flattened out against you, and she pressed you all the way to the back of her throat, almost making your knees buckle under you. 

She grabs your hand, pulling it toward the back of her head. You take the signal and wrap your hand around her hair just as her lips meet your base, and you hold her there, feeling the saliva already beginning to pool in her mouth. “God damnit, baby, fuck you’re so good at this. Don’t even need my help…” You loosen your grip and allow her to drag her lips across your shaft, adding hard suction as she slowly ascends off. 

“Want your help, though. Do it…” she motions, so you do. You use her ponytail to guide her up and down you, forcefully pushing and pulling on her head just like she likes it. The first time you did this, you were a bit thrown off, as you’ve always just let whoever was pleasing you do whatever they felt. But she likes it when you tell her when and where you want her to be. 

The candles are physically heating up the air in the room, providing a heat that feels like a heavy blanket on your skin. Your mind flashes with remembering the special candles, and you feel a spark of excited electricity shoot through your body. The baby hairs around her face are beginning to stick to her forehead as her eyes glance up to look at you, doelike and pleading. 

She hums onto your dick as you squeeze her cheeks together, taking a hard hold on her jawline as your opposite hand guides her motions. Your head falls back as you feel the knot tightening in your stomach, but you can’t let go just yet. Her tongue swirls around your tip and the sounds that her mouth is making sound downright ruthless, spurring on your albeit degraded current situation. 

She moans onto you as her lips pull on and off, all by the force of your hand. You pull her hair particularly roughly, watching as the string of saliva connects her mouth to you, still. You take the second to sit down on the bed, physically unable to stand for another second without losing all will to hold yourself up. She moves in closer and digs her nails into the soft skin between your legs, sending a shake through your body. “Mother fucker baby, keep going with that…” you say, biting your bottom lip as you watch her. She scratches at your skin a few more times before you finally decide you can’t take it anymore, pulling and pushing on her head at a quicker pace. 

“Mhmm…” she moans as she nods her head ‘yes’, and you feel the deep rumble in your stomach, telling you that you’re not far. She kisses her lips down tightly on you this time, flicking her tongue in all the right places as you feel her throat tightening around you. 

“So fuckin’ deep baby, shit…” you say as your hips jut forward a few times, your dick hitting the back of her throat. Suddenly you feel your world falling apart as you let go into her, the dim orange light of the room turning into flashes of black and white as you send your streams down her throat. You wrap her hair around your hand as you hold her just where you want her, pulling her closely into you as you hiss through your release. 

When you finally take a breath and your vision unblurs, you watch as she wipes her chin with the back of her hand, standing to her feet again and joining you on the bed, a completely smug and satisfied look on her face.

“The fuck are you grinning about, huh?” you ask, pulling her in toward you again. 

“Nothin’, I just really love being the one to make you make noises like that,” she says, biting back another smile. 

“Well, you’ve got me figured out, seriously,” you compliment her, and it was the absolute truth. 

She shrugs you off. “Eh, I’m out of practice, really.” 

Oh?

“No way, you’re like… well seasoned,” you kid. 

“You dick!” she yells, stifling a laugh. “I haven’t even done that in six months.” You can tell she regretted saying it as soon as she did, suddenly avoiding your eyes and pulling one of your pillows up to cover her chest. 

“...You’re kidding,” you breathe, truly in disbelief. 

She shakes her head. “Lame, huh?”

“N-no, not lame. I–You haven’t, since…?” you stammer.

“Nope. Since your birthday. Go ahead, laugh at me all you want,” she says, motioning with her hand. 

Her words hit you right in the gut. She hadn’t been with anyone since you…

“I’m not gonna laugh at you, Y/N. I… I actually haven’t been with anyone else, either.”

Her eyes meet yours in disbelief. “Really?”

You nod. “Not this time around.”

She sits for just a second, hugging the pillow to her. “Why not?”

You shrug, the nerves bubbling in your stomach. “I dunno, no one’s really…struck my interest. Not enough to bring back home, anyway.”

She pulls one shoulder up toward her ear. “Yeah, mine neither. I’ve…tried, ya know, but.” She swallows. “My birthday is my favorite holiday for a reason.”

You can’t stop the joy that rises in your chest, your extremities tingling and your heart beating in your ears as she basically admits she doesn’t enjoy anyone but you. She hasn’t made it work with anyone else in six months. 

“Six months is a long time to wait, Y/N,” you mutter quietly. 

She pulls the pillow down, moving closer to you on the bed. “Not when what you’re waiting for is all you can ever think about.”

Fuck… it feels like your head is going to float right off of your shoulders out of a pure high at her admission. Your chest gets warm and your mouth goes dry, and you swear if you were looking in the mirror, there would be stars in your eyes. 

She feels the same. 

After a few seconds of disbelief, you find the nerve to answer her, a hardly audible whisper as you bring your face close to hers. “I think I’d wait for you for fifty years, if you wanted me to…”

Her hand cups your jawline as she grits her teeth, pulling you into her again. Your mouth wants to devour her all over again, but instead you take note of the tender moment, laying a sweet kiss to her lips that has a promise behind it. 

Her eyebrows furrow together when you pull away, a look you’re familiar with but also one that told you she’s confused. She opens her mouth to speak, probably to ask you if what you’d just said is true. But nothing comes out. She just stares at you in disbelief. 

Your hand finds her hip as you yank her body in with a little force, almost nose to nose now.

“Yeah, you heard me right. I’d wait for you, I will wait for you, if that’s what you want me to do…” you say, feeling so anxious for the outcome of this conversation you could almost be sick. It’s either going to end really really well, or so badly that you’d end up alone in bed tonight. But the risk outweighs the outcome, and you are ready and prepared to take it, whatever it might be.

She swallows hard as you watch her eyes become glazed. Her hands are balancing around your neck and across your shoulders, and you can feel the heat rising in her palms as her digits nervously fidget. It feels like a hundred years pass in the time you wait for her to respond, and you contemplate taking it all back. Making up an excuse, saying just kidding, we’re just friends… But the panic stops as soon as she finds her words. 

She shakes her head. “Wait for me… you’d, you wanna actually…?”

“Be with you more than just twice a year? Yeah, Y/N, I really would. You– you kinda have held a really special place for a long, long time now.” You swallow again, letting the words you’ve kept pent up for so long finally flow, but still feeling a little embarrassed by the admission. “I just never said anything, ya know, because of our arrangement. It worked so well for us but. I… I don’t know. It feels like more to me, lately.” 

She nods hard again, a tiny smile crossing her lips as her eyes stay trained on yours. But she stays quiet. 

“Can you say something, Y/N?” you ask through a huffed laugh. 

“It is more, Danny. It’s been more to me for a long time, too. You take up more space in my mind than I’d like to admit,” she says, now avoiding eye contact. 

Wow… finally. Finally, there it is.

“Why do we both deny it?” you whisper.

She shrugs, massaging the back of your neck. “I don’t know. But I don’t really want to anymore.”

You wrap your arm around her torso, pulling her weight from underneath her as you lay her flat on her back. 

“Then we don’t,” you say as you tower over her, the candle light flickering in her eyes and off of her skin. Her body is beautiful, there’s no denying that, but what has always gotten you is how she carries herself…how her body language is always reflective of exactly what she’s feeling in the moment. And right now, as her midsection arches up into you begging you to touch her again, you have no other thoughts than to appease her. 

Your mouth travels down her chest and across her belly, leaving long, lingering kisses across her body. As you get closer and closer to her heat, you move to kneel on the floor just as she had for you earlier, slipping your hands underneath her to pull her to the edge. Even in all your wild, drunken sexual adventures with her, for some reason, you’d never concentrated on this. You’d never gone down on her. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to, as it was one of your favorite activities, but the immediate pull to one another on these nights always ended up with getting straight to the good part. Neither of you really ever left time for the embellishments. 

She perks up onto her elbows as she gazes at your face between her legs. “Danny…”

“Let me show you what I mean, baby,” you more ask than say, running your tongue down the inside of her thigh. Her body stiffens as she still gives you that look of hesitation. Your tongue drifts over her opening as you tease her, barely ghosting overtop of everywhere but her sweet spot. She shudders again. “Unless you don’t want me to…”

“No! No I want you to. Please. You’ve just…” she finally relaxes her head back down. 

“I know I haven’t. And that’s on me. But I wanna show you that I’ve been thinking about this, doing just this since the last time I had you…” you explain, finally delving your tongue deeply into her. Her reaction is immediate, her back arching up again as her hands find your hair. The sounds she makes make you strain to keep it together, and the taste of her finally on your tongue is enough to make you want to stop altogether, and get to the good part, but you savor this instead, realizing you’ve wanted her like this for so long. 

You squeeze your lips over her, inching your tongue languidly inside of her and moving it back up to circle her clit. When you finally find it, she squeals, exhaling as her hands rip into your scalp. You glance to the head of the bed, pulling down a pillow and positioning it underneath her back to get a better angle. Your hands snake under her again, squeezing her ass as you pull her in. 

“Fuck Danny, why did you hold back on this for so long?” she asks through a pant, her legs opening and closing over your ears. “Shit…” You realize that you don’t really have an answer.

She’s writhing and fighting herself, and you can tell she’s nearing the peak, until she backs off again, likely wanting to make this last. She hums and purrs as you work over her clit, using your tongue and lips to kiss every single drenched inch of her. You feel like you can’t get enough, until you remember. Her birthday gift. 

You slow things down, pulling away a bit until you see the disgruntled look on her face at the disconnect. “No, don’t stop… don’t go..” she begs. Her expression is desperate, and you want nothing more than to feel her lose herself at the mercy of your mouth. So you dive back in, this time with a purpose.

“‘M not goin’ anywhere, baby,” you manage through kneads of your tongue against her. You bring your arm up between the two of you, using your elbow and hand to press her legs apart while your free hand’s two middle digits enter her again. Your tongue never lets up, circling and swirling furiously as her muscles tense. You take that as your cue to work harder, feeling her clenching around your hand already. You pump in and out of her again, making sure your tongue is pointed exactly where she needs it.

“Fuck, Danny baby… yes…” she breathes, and the pet name sends a shockwave straight to your dick, hearing her utter your name followed by a word so personal. You cup your lips over her clit, using a quick and harsh suction motion as you flick your tongue across it.

When she finally lets go, her cries and slurs of curses echo through your room, the most beautiful sound you’re sure you’ve ever heard. Her hands stay tangled in your locks, forcing your face into her as close as you can get. You savor it all, the sight, the sound, the taste… you wonder why you ever denied yourselves this piece of the puzzle after all this time, but then again, maybe saving something this intimate for right now is exactly what was supposed to happen. 

Her body jolts and shakes as she lets the pleasure wrack through her, and you devour every last bit. You crawl up her once she opens her eyes again, her hand freeing from your hair and back down to your face, pulling across your cheeks and mouth as she wipes her wetness from you. Her voice is strained as she finally speaks. “Fuck that was…”

“Fucking delicious,” you finish, pressing your lips to hers again, making her nod into you.

“Yeah, fucking delicious,” she agrees, wrapping her legs around you and using the leverage to pull you onto her. If you weren’t rock hard before, you surely are now after witnessing her falling apart for you like that. You can tell she’s already ready to get things going again, but you stop her, pulling away like you had done before. You stand from the bed, watching that same look of disappointment come across her features. 

“Don’t look at me like that, just wanna give you your birthday gift,” you say, walking around the bed to your nightstand. You grab the cake and place it carefully into your lap, grabbing the lighter again as she comes and sits beside you. 

“I already blew out my candles, Danny,” she says, balancing her chin on your shoulder.

“You did, but I didn’t tell you that these are special candles. Not meant to be blown out,” you explain, flicking the lighter to life and igniting them both.

“Not meant to be blown out? Why–”

“Because they’re really an oil,” you say, putting the lighter down and grabbing the plastic tray under the cake again, holding it up between you. “These are candles specially made for us to let melt and drip onto each other. Not like regular wax, these don’t burn as hot. Once they start to melt a little, they turn into a body oil.”

“Like a massage oil?” she asks, and you nod. 

“Mmhm, see, you can already smell the lavender and bergamot. They had birthday cake scented, but. I thought that might be overkill,” you smirk. Her eyes drift down to the candles with intrigue, and she bites her bottom lip in. “We don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But, I’ve heard good things…”

She picks up one of the candles from the cake, carefully licking the icing off the bottom. She holds her opposite hand out palm down, and lets the melty wax oil drip down onto the back of her hand, a few droplets of dark red liquid dripping down between her fingers. 

“Doesn’t burn at all,” she says, reaching to grab the cake from you to set on the table again. She then takes your hand, letting the wax drip down onto your hand, too. 

The sensation is more of an extremely warm electrical pulse than the burn you’d expect, and it quickly dulls as the oil cools. It doesn’t harden like normal wax, instead it just turns into a thick oil. You take your other finger and rub it across your skin, feeling the softness of the lotion-like liquid sink into your skin. “Wow, no, it feels good,” you agree. 

“Lay back,” you suggest, and she does, handing the candle off to you. 

You question the situation, not knowing exactly where to drip the oil to make her feel the best. You assume maybe her chest and stomach, maybe even down her legs, if she feels up to it. You hold the candle directly above her sternum, raising your eyebrows in final question before you let it drip. 

“Yeah, go ahead,” she says, her hand landing on your knee. 

The red liquid finally falls through the air, a singular drop that lands and splatters across her chest. Her mouth opens just a little, but then her surprise quickly turns into a devious smirk. “Feel good?” you ask. 

“Aha, yeah, actually. It burns pretty bad for a split second but it goes away…shit, do more,” she pleads. 

You go along with her request, drizzling tiny drops between her breasts and down her stomach, nearly completely coating her in the oily liquid. 

“You sure you like it?” you ask as you watch her face repeatedly turn from a surprised grimace into a devilish look of satisfaction. Thankfully, that second look, you’re more than familiar with. 

“Yessss…” she hisses as another drop falls onto her skin. “I feel so…” her mouth lies open as you continue letting the oil drip and pool, the floral scent filling your nostrils.

“So what?” you ask.

Her eyes bore into yours as she bites her lips between her teeth, her hand still gripping hard into your leg muscle. “I like the pain. It’s like… I don’t know how to explain it…” she breathes. “Like a sensation I don’t want to ever end.”

You take your free hand and gently massage it in, taking time to work over her nipples and stomach. “God, that feels so good…” she whispers, her hand now digging into the muscle of your thigh. You place the candle back on the cake, turning to pay special attention to rubbing your hands over her muscles. 

The heady scent of the oils mixed with the residual alcohol still flowing through your system brings a whole new dizziness to the atmosphere, and you feel as though the whole situation is only becoming heavier. You reach over to your phone sitting on the night stand, and flip your music to some psychedelic playlist. The distorted guitar and scratchy bass sounds bring you both to a new plane, and you take the moment to recognize the woman you have your hands on, and how she feels underneath them. 

Her eyes flutter open and closed as your hands drift, massaging the soft oils across the mountains and valleys of her body. “You want me to do you?” she asks, eyes flicking back to the candle. 

You shake your head. “No, shh. It’s your birthday, just relax.”

She smiles a little as she gets comfortable again, moving her body a little closer to yours on the bed. Your hands travel up her shoulders and neck, slowly kneading the tense muscles. Then you move on to her hips and waist, squeezing at the thickness of her. You feel yourself getting turned on all over again just by touching her this way. You watch as her hands drift across the tops of her legs, gripping at her own thighs. The visual is almost too much, watching as her fingertips pull at her skin. You reach to grab the still-lit candle, adjusting your body to sit beside her legs. 

“‘M gonna try your legs, that okay?” you ask.

“Yeah, go ahead…” she mumbles, her eyes still rolling around behind her eyelids. You move between her legs and let the wax drip onto her inner thighs, not really caring if any lands on your comforter. “Ffff…” she hisses, biting onto her bottom lip. Her face contorts from pain to pleasure as the oil cools, and you replace the candle, making your way back to massaging her. 

Your hands nearly cover the entirety of her upper thighs, your fingertips digging into the skin just as hers had done a second ago. You push the oil all around, paying special attention to start at her knees, and slowly work your way up. You have half a mind to lick into her again, seeing it now from this view, but you stop yourself. Your thumbs rub into the creases where her legs meet her heat, and she practically moans out at your touch. 

“You’re being such a fuckin’ tease, Daniel,” she says, her hands cupping her breasts.

“Mmm, I don’t think you understand how hard it is to stop myself right now…” you huff. 

She bites her lips again and shakes her head side to side, obviously feeling the same emotions as you. This doesn’t feel like it normally does, and you feel more anxiety than ever to satisfy her. You watch as she reaches her hands for you, signaling for you to get things going. 

“Don’t stop yourself then,” she stutters, her voice almost shuddering. Her hand grips into your hair again and pulls you up, your hands crawling up either side of her as her nails claw and pull at your back. 

Suddenly your mind finds itself again as you remember to grab protection. You balance your forehead on her sternum, both of you already panting and sweaty as you pull yourself away to reach for your bedside drawer. 

“No, just—it’s fine,” she says, grabbing onto your arm. 

You meet her with a puzzled look, not quite understanding that she’s changing her mind on a whim. This is one part of your agreement that you both have always stuck to. 

“What? I’m—“

“Just…it’s fine. Don’t get it,” she says, giving you a look that could kill. “It’s been six months…right…”

You think it over, rolling the thought over and over in your mind. “You sure?” 

She nods, “Yeah, yeah I’m sure. I’m…we’re good. I promise.”

You feel your heart growing in your chest, feeling a new wave of anxiousness and…something else bubbling up. It’s almost blinding you to even think about what’s about to take place, this already feels so different than before. 

The slick of the oil across your chests make your bodies slide against one another as you line yourself up, both hands on either side of her head. Her hands gently drift across your hips, a devilish smirk sneaking across her lips. 

“Gonna feel you for real for the first time…” she says gently, looking more excited than you’d seen her in ages. 

“Yeah, no pressure,” you answer, pressing yourself through her folds. The sensation alone is making you quake, feeling her against you without a barrier. 

“What, you nervous or something?” She asks, digging her nails into your scalp. 

You clench your jaw, feeling the tip enter her just a little bit. “Kinda.”

“Daniel…shut up. No you’re not.”

“I swear,” you reply, pressing in just a little more. “Different now, like this.” You feel your heart beating from your ribcage. 

Her hands grip behind you, pulling you in towards her, but you hold back. “S’okay, just me… please…” Her legs lift and her ankles cross at your lower back. 

You push forward, telling yourself it’s okay to fill her all the way to the hilt. It’s now or never, and you’ve waited so long for this, wanted her for real for so long. You make sure to watch her face as you bottom out, taking in every single detail that you can. 

HER POV

It’s almost dreamlike…

The dim and comforting glow of the room, the sweet scented oil that’s relaxed your muscles, the dying feeling of excitement from the gift Danny had gotten you…

But mostly, the feeling of his body towering over you and buried as deeply as he can get, finally without the use of protection. 

You’d been wanting Danny for real for longer than you’d like to admit, now, and now that it’s finally happening, it’s almost as if you couldn’t have dreamt it up any better. Of course he feels nervous…you do too. Something in the air has shifted, and it’s not just because you both had finally admitted to wanting more than your predisposed agreement. 

“Fuck, Danny…” you can’t help but yelp in a pitiful high-pitched squeal. Feels just like you always thought, but somehow better. 

Much, much better. 

He begins to pick up a pace after you lock your ankles against him harder, forcing his hips to find a rhythm. “You good?” he asks, almost shyly. 

“Yeah, better than good, shit…”

His left hand grips your jaw with a little force before he brings his lips to yours in a heated mess. His thrusts are working in perfect time, hitting you in just the right spot to tighten the knot deep inside you already. 

“You feel so perfect baby…god, never thought I’d have you like this…” his lips are hot against your skin as he speaks, his teeth nipping at your sensitive spots every few seconds. 

“Leave a mark, baby… gimmie a reminder…” you breathe into his ear, making the light nips on your chest switch into slightly painful lovebites that you’re positive you’ll be able to see turn into bright red marks tomorrow. He growls into your skin as his teeth sink in just enough to make you squirm beneath him.

Though the room is flickering with a tangerine glow, the multicolored vibrance of the light flashing behind your eyes brings a whole new depth to what you’re experiencing, an overwhelming feeling of unwarranted pleasure that is undoubtedly ripping you apart at the seams. He’s all you’ve ever wanted, better than anything you’ve ever felt, and he’s been living under the same roof as your best friend for way too long.

You can tell he’s getting closer by the tumbling of his thrusts, but you swear you never want it to end. The euphoria taking over your mind is making you dizzy. 

Suddenly he slows down a little bit, rolling himself to the bed but keeping himself inside as he plucks you to straddle his lap. Your hands find his pecs as you begin swirling your hips, feeling him at a completely different angle, now. His curls are laid out behind him on the white blankets, and his chest is gleaming from the oils. 

You begin bouncing on him, his hands gripping into the thick muscle of your thighs as you grind on him. His head leans back, his jaw moving between hanging open and clenching tightly. “Y/N, shit…I’m not gonna be…”

You can feel the twist in your stomach, the deep tightening letting you know that you are close, too. You lean down and press a slow and needing kiss to his lips, showing him all the emotion that’s currently coursing through your body in the act. “Me too baby, just do it. Want to feel you…” you stammer through the ravaging feeling of your impending orgasm. You squeeze him hard, sending you both over the edge, tumbling down together in a flustered mess of echoed praises for one another. 

He stays buried inside you for just a few seconds as you both come down, neither of you wanting to be the first to speak when you finally catch your breath. After a minute of silence, you let yourself come out of the cloudy bliss, sliding yourself up and off of him. 

As soon as your body hits the bed beside him, he’s craning over you again, gathering you up into his arms into the most loving embrace you’d felt from him yet. 

“Every six months isn’t gonna work for me anymore, Y/N…” he admits, fully submitting himself with an honest look in his eye. “I just…”

“Me neither, Danny. It’s not enough. Won’t ever be enough,” you admit, taking his face in your hands. And it was true, after experiencing him tonight in the way that you did, there was no way you’d ever be able to wait for him again. There’s too much emotion involved that you’ve both been hiding for too long. Too much still yet to explore. 

“Stay, please? And not just for tonight,” he whispers, his thumb gliding across your cheek. 

You nod. You know there’s nothing on this earth you want more than to wake up every day next to him…the friend who has always been just a little bit more. 

“Okay,” you concede, sliding your body into his. 

“Okay? Yeah?” He asks with an excited lilt. 

“Yes. I’m not going anywhere,” you respond. “Couldn’t leave you if I wanted to...”

The low chuckle that rumbles through his chest and onto your cheek pressed against it feels so longingly familiar that you wonder why you ever thought it wouldn’t work out to begin with. “What took you so long?” he asks, wrapping and squeezing you hard. 

“Could ask you the same…” you laugh into his chest. 

You fall asleep with him that night a different woman than the one you were when you walked into his room, and not just because you’re a year older, now. You’d finally gotten everything you’d ever wanted. 

Danny nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck, sleep already lacing his voice. A soft feeling of comfort washes over you as you realize how safe and protected you feel in his arms, and how you aren’t too shy to admit that this feels more right than you could have ever anticipated.

Now you won’t have to wait six months to share your love with him again. You’ll be able to share it with him tomorrow, over coffee in the kitchen.

He presses a sweet kiss to your temple as you let the heaviness of sleep overtake you, already falling into a dazed place of complete contentment.

“Happy birthday, baby.”

.

Taglist:

@wetkleenex-gvf @britney-gvf @gretas-sweat @josh-iamyour-mama @highway-tuna @bestfriendsallstrungout @jjwasneverhere @gretavanbrie @writingcold @thewritingbeforesunrise @myleftsock @edgingthedarkness @its-interesting-van-kleep @jjsooobsessed @ageofcj @starcatcher-jake @capnjaket @cozyjakey @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @stardustjake @dancingcarbon @builtbybrokenbells @gretavangroupie

[twisted-wonderland-shenanigans]

Hiatus Update

Hey everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and is ready for the next year!

I'm really sorry that I keep falling into a hiatus status, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about some things.

No, this isn't an announcement of canceling my AUs or that I'm dropping Twisted Wonderland! I still love the series very much and I still have far too much in mind with the AUs to stop thinking about them so soon! I just wanted to get that out of the way since I realize my lack of content creation lately seems to have worried a few people, and I'd like to apologize to everyone for worrying you all.

That being said, that brings me to my next point, and...it's going to get serious. No TW, it's nothing like that! Just...me speaking my thoughts and realizations. TLDR at the end if you want to skip the ramble!

I've been writing for this blog for...gosh, I think about three years now? It feels less than that for me, but that's a lot of writing done over the years. So many AU ideas, so many asks, so much love for the AUs I've created that--honestly--I almost didn't even start this blog had it not been for some encouragement from a good friend. And I'm glad I did! These past few years have been some of the most creatively liberating times I've had before I ever discovered Twisted Wonderland (would you believe it was originally Leona that made me want to play it despite Malleus being the one that kept popping up in my feed to the point I had to try and figure out what his name was? XD).

Yet despite all that writing and hyper-fixating, I've come to realize and accept that I'm experiencing quite the huge burnout...and I have been for quite a while without realizing or accepting it.

It's not because of any particular wip fic or art that I've been slowing down. The burnout had been happening for a while and just boiled over, and I think as a result...I started doubting myself over time. Doubting that what I was writing was going to be good, or that I'd be able to fulfill everyone's requests or asks in a way that makes them happy or feel that I put as much effort into the writing as I do with others, feeling like I'd be letting people down if I don't make something as long or detailed as some of my other responses, or making promises of grand ideas and not being able to deliver on it. I didn't feel connected to my writing, that it wasn't meant for me to enjoy or feel like I could be part of.

To put it simply, I put far too much pressure on myself, and the lack of feedback or reactions beyond likes on some fics I spent a lot of time and effort on didn't exactly help my mind's relationship with my own writing. Because of that self-imposed pressure, I'd...forgotten what it was like to love my own writing, to enjoy the process for what it was and to feel like I can just write what I want and feel included in my own adventures. Writing consumed me to the point that most days...I'd only be able to stare at the blank screen or my notebooks, the words and scenes in my mind yet unable to string them together in tangible form and yet I felt terrible NOT sitting there trying to write.

It was a pretty vicious cycle I couldn't break until now.

Lately, I've been focusing more on self-care. Not just physical stuff like hygiene or cooking better home meals (though I am doing that), but I mean giving myself other things to enjoy on my self-care wheel.

This is what I mean by the self-care wheel (link to instagram post ). It puts it in a way that makes sense, and I hope it helps someone else as well! Here's a screenshot of the post for those who don't have Instagram.

I've been watching more anime and other shows on streaming services lately, I've been playing other games like World of Warcraft (which has become my current obsession!) among others, and just...essentially breaking up the routine I had where I did nothing but writing, so I could take a break. And honestly? I've been able to write other things again. But this time for myself.

I feel like I'm able to enjoy the process again.

I love my writing again!

But I know better than to just assume that things are okay now and I can jump back into the blog so soon. I don't want to repeat what I had been doing when I thought my burnout was gone and just silently falling into hiatus again. Healing isn't a linear process no matter what it's for, and things won't get better if I don't start being kinder to myself.

So to bring a long story short:

I'm okay. I'll be okay, I just have to remind myself to enjoy more hobbies and interests in my life to make each day more fulfilling--more rounded. And when I come back to Twisted Wonderland, I'll go at my own pace and remember to write for myself too. I'd still love to chat and ramble about it or even about other fandoms or things to try! I've spent far too long building this blog to let it and the wonderful people who have followed and commented and even sent asks and fanart go away, and I want to connect in a way I feel I hadn't been able to in ages. ;;v;;

Remember to take care of yourselves, and find other things to fill your self-care wheel! It'll take time and effort, but I promise that things will start to feel better the more you realize you've got other things to make life worthwhile. 💝

TLDR: I'm okay! I'm just going to be on hiatus for a while longer and working more on self-care to remember to enjoy life as it should be enjoyed. Writing and concept art will resume at my own pace when I feel I'm able to consistently enjoy the process of writing for the fandom again. Would love to ramble and chat about other hobbies and interests and interact with the community though!

[goron-king-darunia]

Eggtober 3rd, 2024

"Anxieties and Anger" Fried Egg in Monochrome

(Krita, soft chalk default brush, 10 colors/values of red, 20 minutes.)

Inspired by life kicking my ass recently. A bunch of things didn't go right this year, I got sick for the first time in years, and I've just generally been dealing with being unwell, anxious, busy, and all around not managing well. I'm trying to take better care of my health, but it's difficult to make time and track down help because the earlier part of the year was all insurance nonsense, and now it's trying to pin down doctors that take my insurance. My dentist did make an appointment decision for me, which was actually helpful since I kept putting it off due to other stressors. But I haven't been in for a physical lately and I'm having emergent symptoms along with stuff I've been putting off getting looked at or considered. I am wondering if I should start treating my ADHD again, among many other things.

It's just hard to cope with the realities of adult life sometimes, especially with ADHD, and it's frustrating having to manage so much. Life stops for no-one, and certainly there are people dealing with more than me, some even better than I am dealing with my own problems, but it makes it no less frustrating. I wish it was easier to just ask all my dumb anxious questions and not get billed for things that aren't treatable problems. I don't know how true it will be with my new doctor, but with my old doctor, you could get billed extra for bringing up new things that the appointment was not about which is wild to me. What do you mean it basically has to be a different appointment for all 15 new things I'm worried about even if they're probably nothing?!

It doesn't help much that medicine really is such a new and wiggly field of science. It doesn't feel like it is, because we have so many sophisticated medicines and machines for caring for so many things now. But it wouldn't take doctors decades of study to be good doctors if just anyone could tell the difference between "that perfectly normal mole and a really sneaky melanoma" or "that symptom could just be stress-induced and will go away if you calm down" versus "you are actively dying of a disease that's incurable because you waited 1 day too long" or "you literally have a known vitamin deficiency and this symptom will improve with supplements" versus "this symptom is actually new and while it can happen because of your vitamin deficiency, you're actually having a more serious problem."

Of course I'm one of those idiots that goes to Dr. Google for things and then freaks myself out over nothing. But the fact remains that I don't make time to see my doctor enough. And I should. So I will try to do that moving forward.

Whatever happens, I'm doing my best to make time to enjoy Eggtober. It's one of the few things I do for fun as a little "just because" and it's helping me take my mind off things for a bit.

Hoping to see my new PCP soon and start handling my body and health, and with luck, other things will improve bit by bit. There are other things that can't be solved that easily, but without a healthy body, I'm never gonna tackle everything life has decided to throw at me. Wish me luck!

Tagging @quezify as customary, and also because apparently Tumblr is having a bug where art won't show up in the tags without a transparent bar of pixels in it because Tumblr is a functional website...

[vioartemis]

I love her so much... (part 2 [au])

(Jenna Ortega x fem! reader)

Summary: What if Jenna had followed you that night, and tried to hold you back? Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 2 [au] Warnings: angst (just a little bit I swear) (English isn't my first language, I'm sorry if there are mistakes or if something doesn't make sense TvT)

Emma waited until your sobs stopped to take a step back and lead you to her car. Your eyes were red and puffy from crying that much.

"Where are we going...?"

"To my apartment. I'm not letting you alone after this"

"Y/n, wait...!"

Jenna's voice made you freeze just as you were about to get in Emma's car. You turned around slowly, trying to hold back your tears.

"I'm sorry...! I'm so sorry, for everything! I love you more than anything...I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lately... work had been overwhelming for everyone, and Percy asked me to help him- I'm not trying to find myself excuses...! I- I should have talked to you about it instead of keeping it all to myself... I'm sorry Y/n..."

She seemed genuinely sorry. You wanted to give ger a second chance, you really did. But the little voice in your head was telling you that she might hurt you again.

Taking your silence as a negative reaction, she started to walk away. Your heart ached at the sight, and you found yourself taking a step forward, almost instinctively.

"Go." Emma told you "Follow her"

You look at your friend and nodded.

"Thank you. For everything" you said with a grateful smile, before running after the brunette

"Jenna!"

She froze, not certain she really heard you call her, and turned around hesitantly, eyes full of hope when you stopped in front of her.

"I... I don't want it to stop... us, I mean"

"Are you.... are you giving me a second chance...? Y-you still love me, even after what I did...?"

"Of course I still love you..." you reassured her "Now let's go home, hm...?"

"Wait I- here..." she started, handing you the box you gave her earlier "I don't deserve it..."

"Jenna-"

"No, Y/n... I- I've been such a bad girlfriend, I don't deserve any gift... But I promise I'll get better, to be worth your love..."

You stayed silent for a second, before nodding and taking the box. Your fingers brushed over hers.

"We can go now" she said quietly

You nodded again, and you both walked back to your shared apartment.

Once you got there, you got ready to go to bed. You had put on your pajamas, and slipped under the covers, soon followed by Jenna. She stayed on her side of the bed, not sure you would want her close.

That caused your lips to curl up slightly, touched by her thoughtfulness, and you moved closer to her, snuggling in her arms. It was the first time in weeks that you really slept together, in each other's arms.

It had been so long that you melted in her embrace. Her arms felt so nice around you, her perfume invading your nostrils felt so right, and so did her whole body pressed against yours.

It didn't take you long to fall asleep, a smile on your face.

At the sight of your sleeping figure, Jenna felt a wave of relief wash over her; she was afraid she'd never get to see you like that again.

"I missed you, I'm sorry..." she whispered, placing a soft kiss on your forehead "I love you..."

<><><><> ♡ <><><><>

A few months had passed since that night, and everything was back to normal. Your relationship with Jenna was doing better; she was here - as much as her job allowed her - and she was doing her best to show you how much she loved you, how much she cared for you.

Tonight, you were supposed to have dinner together at 8. It was now 11, and she was still not here. You had texted her, called her, but didn't get any answer.

Your stomach flipped at the thought of things turning out like it did months ago. You couldn't do it again.

You decided to wait for her, determined to talk to her, and when she finally arrived - around 1am - you sat up in your shared bed. You waited for her to enter the room; she seemed surprised to see you were still awake.

"I thought we would spend the night together..." you said "What happened?"

"... Nothing" she replied, shaking her head

"No, it's not nothing. I called you, I texted you... you're doing it again, Jenna..."

The look in your eyes made her realize she fucked up again. Her worst fear was becoming real, again.

"I- it's just..." she sighed "I'm a bit overwhelmed... with work, with the responsibilities, with Percy..."

At the sight of tears forming in her eyes, you took her hand in yours.

"I'm here for you, you can vent if you need to..." you gave her hand a reassuring squeeze

"It's just... there always are unexpected problems at work, we're under a lot of pressure lately, more than usually... and I need to come up with important things for next week, and I still don't have anything... and Percy's always asking me for help for stupid things...! And even if I want to say no, he always manages to convince me, and I don't even notice it! I'm so tired, Y/n..."

You pulled her in for a warm, comforting hug, rubbing her back gently.

"It's gonna be okay... I'm here, I'll do my best to help you with that... You should have talked to me about it..."

"I'm sorry I- I didn't want to bother you with that..."

"You never bother me Jenna, I-"

You got cut off by your girlfriend's phone suddenly buzzing. She gave you an apologetic look as she picked up.

"Hello? ... ... What? No listen Percy, I- ... ..."

She looked up at you, biting her nails nervously. The concern in your eyes, as well as the warmth of your hand on hers, and your love for her gave her the courage she needed.

"No, stop. I'm not available right now. ... ... It's 1 in the morning, Percy. I'm not at your disposal, nor your personal helper. ... ... Find someone else to help you. Bye."

She hung up with a sigh, and when her gaze met yours again, your eyes were full of pride, love, and relief. You were proud she was able to stand up for herself, to stop getting 'controlled' by him. And you didn't miss the opportunity to let her know that.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to do it sooner... I- I'm sorry I almost fucked everything up between us because of that... But I won't make the mistake again. From now on, I'll try not to keep everything for myself. I- I don't want to lose you. I don't see my life without you..."

You felt you heart flutter at her words. Hearing her say that made you so happy... so happy, and so relieved.

The few doubts that had popped in your head earlier had completely disappeared now. You were sure you could trust her not to hurt you anymore.

You reached in your bedside table for the box you had given her on your anniversary and handed it to her again. She gave you a questioning look, visibly confused.

"When you gave it back to me, you said you didn't deserve it. Well, I think you deserve it now" you said gently, as she took the box "I've been wanting to give it to you for a little while, actually..."

Her eyes were shining when she looked at you after opening the box, and she had a big smile on her face.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it! I- it's so beautiful...!" she threw her arms around your neck and pulled you in for a tight hug "Thank you... Thank you so much!" she pulled away to give you a sweet smile "Can you help me putting it on?"

"Of course!"

You carefully took the necklace out of the box and waited for her to turn around, before moving her hair to the side. You were quick to attach the jewelry around her neck, and placed a gentle kiss on her soft skin once you were finished.

"Here you go, my love"

<><><><> ♡ <><><><>

Almost a year and a half later, you found yourself in a quite familiar position: crying in Emma's arms.

"It's okay... just- try to breathe, please"

"I- I'm just... I'm so..."

"I know, I know. Everything's gonna be okay"

You pulled away at her words, taking a deep breath and wiping your tears carefully.

"Yeah, you're right... Everything's gonna be perfectly fine"

"That's what I want to hear!"

Suddenly, the door of the room opened, revealing a nervous Hunter.

"What are you doing?" he yelled-whispered "We're waiting for you...!"

"She's ready, don't panic!" Emma replied, before turning to you "Just breathe, and it will be fine, okay?"

You nodded, and she gave you a brief hug, before exiting the room to join the others, leaving you with Hunter.

"Are you ready?" he asked gently, offering you his arm

"Y-yeah, I think..."

You both made your way to the main room and waited behind the door. When the music started, you took a deep breath.

All eyes were on you walking down the aisle, arm hooked under Hunter's. Yours, however, were glued to the gorgeous brunette ahead of you: your soon to be wife, Jenna Ortega.

[Previous part] || [Other ending]

[improbable-implosions]

In the spirit of @curioscurio 's soup posting lately, I would like to tell y'all about a little tradition of mine, then tell you how I pull it off, so you'll have to excuse me while I go all recipe blog on you, for just a moment.

Video description: A video of a recently oven-warmed bowl of french onion soup, with a moment from The Adventure Zone: Amnesty overlaid in the audio. In this audio clip, Justin McElroy as Duck Newton says the following:

"All I could think about was all the french onion soup I missed, and... if I died, all the french onion soup I'd miss out on in the future! I-I-I swear to god, but I turned down saving the world to eat french onion soup."

After first hearing this particular episode of TAZ, I had to head into town for my once a week upload spree, for at that time, my internet was horrible enough that even getting video up through a coffee shop's internet was an improvement to blocking the connection all weekend at home.

Normally, I'd go into a starbucks, hole up with my tea, scone, and settle in for the long, slow process of these uploads, but this time, that french onion soup really stuck in the back of my head, so I hit up the local panera instead, to give the french onion soup a shot, as I'd never had it before. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I burned the roof of my mouth, but with what was left of my taste buds, I IMMEDIATELY understood how Duck felt. There's something about even a mediocre soup that grounds you into the moment you're living, and for that day, I managed to have a much better time than usual, despite slogging through the ice, snow, and wind to halfway sneakernet my work onto a platform, unsure if any of it'd get seen.

From that first bite, I KNEW I had to have this more often. Sure, the panera version was just average, but I bet I could find a better way if I made it at home. Fast forward to new year's eve, where I found myself at home, all day. Used to be, my mom's side of the family would have a big bash for NYE, but the plague coming down killed that pretty solidly, so I needed something else to do. I normally would watch the Twilight Zone marathon, but I figured this time, well, french onion soup takes so much darned time, might as well spend my day on it!

So, I threw together the ingredients, (roughly based on binging with babish's, just a few edges sanded off, promise, I'll get to explaining it soon) and lo and behold, it's TRULY something that can and should be a highlight of your year! As a result, I've now got a new tradition to go with the twilight zone: Every new year's eve, I spend most of the day working on homemade baguettes and french onion soup, to celebrate with a bowl of something beautiful, difficult, and, most of all, present in the moment, in hopes that my year can go just as well as the moments that I start with. (I've also included my partner in this, but she doesn't care for french onion soup, so she chooses a similarly time-consuming or decadent soup I juggle alongside the onions)

In addition to that, since I'm making FAR more than I can safely eat in the coming week, I take half of it, and throw it in the freezer. This half is, usually, for sometime in July. Halfway through the year, when I have some times where things get rough, (I swear, it's always July and October around here, oof) I break out that french onion soup, as a reminder that good things, good things can come again. The last of that middle-of-the-year batch for 2024 is what we see in the video, by the way!

Anyway, enough of me being sappy, you want a RECIPE, don'tcha?

Ingredients:

2 3 pound bags of onions. I tend to go for a mix of red and vidalia onions here, but you can surely use normal white onions, too!

2 to 4 fennel bulbs (optional, but I find they add some nice anise vibes to the soup)

6 to 12 cups of broth depending on how much you cook your onions.

(preferably beef, but I'm not gonna explode if you use a different one. I tend to use whatever I've got in the freezer from making broth outta my various kitchen scraps, usually most of my post-thanksgiving broth)

1 bottle of dry red wine, of which we use 1 cup (I use cabernet sauvignon, hence the extra half stick of butter, but if you want to omit that half stick, sherry is more traditional!)

1 and 1 half sticks of butter

Grueyere cheese, for melting o'er top! (I also add parmesean and, occasionally, whatever other flavorful cheese I've got lying around)

Baguette chunks, to go beneath the cheese but overtop the soup as a crouton. I just use Claire Saffitz's baguette recipe, mildly adapted for my sourdough starter, to make some demibaguette, but you're well within your rights to instead use a bakery baguette.

various herbs and spices, with particular attention to peppercorns, cloves, garlic, parmesean rind, green onion, parsley, and sage (optional, for boosting the stock)

Equipment:

your favorite chewing gum (yes, really)

A dutch oven, or large enough pot to hold all those onions

A second, medium size pot to reheat the frozen broth in

a knife you're comfortable using a LOT, if not a mandolin for how many onions you're chorpin'

Some sort of scraping implement compatible with your dutch oven, wooden spoon is traditional, but I've been known to use a silicone scraper

Step 1: Chop your onions. Chewing your favorite gum so you don't get whammied by onion stank, first cut them in half, along the line of the root and stem, then remove the paper, roots, and stem. Once you've halved all your onions, cut them in to thin-ish slices, along that same "pole to pole" line, somewhere between a quarter and an eighth of an inch thick, in slices I like to call "structural" size. The onions need enough integrity to withstand the LONG caramelization process, but not so much they take a million years to finish caramelizing.

Step 1.5: Chop your optional fennel, in a similar shape to the onions. If it came with stems, keep those for improving the broth in lieu of cloves!

Step 2: Preheat your dutch oven with the stick of butter. Once that butter has begun to foam, toss your many, many onions and fennel in the pot. it's going to look like WAY too much, but I assure you, it cooks down a remarkable amount.

Step 3: Begin caramelizing your onions. This is a LONG process, even on medium heat. Stir intermittently, you don't want them sticking, but you do want them to slowly shed fond onto the pot. I do it until they're starting to progress beyond jammy into something so dark as to nearly resemble the wine we'll be deglazing with. Do I overdo it? maybe! There's a reason I do this once a year, it takes easily half the day!

Step 3.5: If you're using store bought broth here, add it to your second pot, alongside the various spices and herbs, and perhaps a few celery stock and carrot chunks. Leave it on a middling simmer in the back while you're caramelizing onions, so it takes on all those delicious flavors.

Step 4: Once the onions have become donion enough for you, deglaze with that cup of wine. Scrape THOROUGHLY, all that fond has a TON of flavor!

Step 5: Add the half stick of butter immediately after getting the fond up, you've got to counteract those tannins!

Step 6: Add the broth, straining out those spices and additions if you used them. If it doesn't seem soupy enough, add some heated water to balance it out, you've done SO much to build flavor here, it's not going to explode if you dilute a smidge. I like to just see the texture of the onions in the fluid when I stir. Let it come up to a full simmer, if not a light boil, and hold it there until the alcohol has cooked off to your liking. (I let it hold for a Good While, as I like to taste the flavors, not the booze)

Step 7: Plating! Mostly fill an oven safe bowl or ramekin with your delicious, delicious soup, plonk enough baguette chunks overtop to fill the surface area, then grate a (frankly) irresponsible volume of your cheeses on top of that. Toss the whole affair in a 350f oven until the cheese is browned, bubbly, and you can't stand waiting a single second longer!

The world is full of problems for us to solve, my friends. Remember to take a break just before you feel you need it, life is something chipped away at day by day.

[o2studies]

༻`` 1 June — Saturday 56/60

🧡 academia >> / (planning to study a lot of Russian as I've finished this year of school now)

🧡 physical health >> I walked a good bit today, there was a kind of fun day at a park and so I went there with a friend and it was SO MUCH FUN!

🧡 self care >> Sleeping in that little bit extra this morning

I went with K today on a single ride 6 or 7 times and it was amazing! So so much fun, we were screaming our heads off (it the one in the middle picture) and enjoying the music and the slightly sick feeling of being spun round at 100mph. It also felt really freeing to just scream and really funny whenever I'd say 'wee' in a childish tone whenever we'd start spinning in the seats again. We went to her house afterwards, had food, watched Emperor's New Groove (1 & 2) and had way too much fun texting out friend from each other's phones. It was an amazing start into summer.

More updates about this last week:

My exams went quite well I think. There is a couple I might have to retake next year but we'll see whenever I get the grades (I'm praying to God they're all A's or at least high B's). I'm quite happy with how they went tho and mostly proud of the revision I've done for them (I have really died down the revision in the last week and was so tired—physically and mentally— of it all)

I've been falling into some depression-related habits on this past week, sleeping in way too late and constantly, not taking care of myself, being really tired in the evenings and just wasting away the afternoons on my phone & isolating. I am already better and I know I'm working to keep being better. I'm really proud of myself for how quickly I'm bouncing back from that

I wrote some more in my journal recently and started writing out some goals for this year's summer! I would like to write at least some of them out on a post here soon and properly reflect on the list.

My parents had a conversation with my the other day about how I'm allowed to get a part-time summer job this year! I'm really excited, it would be good for me in many ways plus it'll keep me slightly more busy in these next 3 months which is good

I also got my driving licence!! Woo!!

I'm talking with my friends more often and really bonding with them too. We're getting a lot more comfortable around each other too (and the friendly flirting sessions we sometimes have are just so fun XD). We are going to make a good few plans for meeting up over the summer.

After the last exam I talked to another friend, A, while waiting for our buses and I forget how much I love having them as a friend. It was really nice to hear more about them and how she's been doing and her plans for the summer. I'm hoping to meet them sometime next week after their Birthday.

This might be it for now.. If I can remember anything else major that's happened I'll make another post to add to this.

Good night/morning everyone :)

[yandere-romanticaa]

I was taking about a freind about natlan and we both said that natlan feels almost like it was rushed or thought too poorly even if the company had years to run the plot and years to make the nation it felt so thrown put together with no thought.

We also mention now a lot of natlan as a whole kinda…is a bit of well it’s very stereotypes is the gentler way of putting it. A lot of the inspo for each characfers either miss-match certain inspo or yk the skin…as a whole was an issue

I also personally feel like I started to play three and four soon- second hsr the third came is Withernf waves and an upcoming call Nikki infinity I believe in Dec- I might be stretching myself more but I feel the reason I play either wuwa is combat but also lowkey rewards are much mroe generous. I’m honestly playing hsr jusy for Sunday and nikki bc fashion gatcha is so cute

I’m not sure if anyone feels this way but natlan and it’s characfer feel like their kinda like if you want better exploration for natlan you kinda have to pull for these characters to make it easier and and force to pull for that just feels too forceful?

I never really cared nor had enough interest in the characfers ngl but I think it for me personally it always was because how I felt when natlan first launch and it kinda just went on as the patches kept getting release- my issue with the characfer skin, inspo, deisng etc I think seeps into more and I’m more so hoping that the patches over

Hope this makes sense!

A massive issue I have with Natlan is that I feel as though a lot of the characters true potential is locked behind constellations.

I pulled for Chasca recently because I'm honestly in love with her and I'll gladly claim her as my wife. I use her frequently but.

But.

I feel as though the game is forcing me to get her to at least c2 and that's just straight up unfair. It's common knowledge that Genshin is Hoyo's cash cow meanwhile HSR is the passion project, but it's still somehow so slimey to me. I get it, gacha games are here to make money and at the end of the day they are a business, it's literally their job to do so. But Genshin has been really pushing as of late I feel like.

Also, I've looked at the leaked gameplay for Mauvika and Citlali and I have to say, Mauvika, to me personally, looks less like a Genshin Impact character and more like a Zenless Zone Zero character. This isn't necessarily a complaint as I've seen some ZZZ gameplay and I have some friends who love that game, but due to the previous world building that Genshin has established I just do not think that it fits all that well in Teyvat. I could be wrong for the ZZZ comment though because I have never played the game nor do I really wish to, so feel free to correct me on that.

I also feel as though there's a certain air of grandiose suspense just missing. I was at the edge of my seat for the whole Fontaine Archon quest and while I liked the Natlan one too, it just pales in comparison to Fontaine.

[krunktrunk]

It feels like I'm always letting you guys know that I'm late with updates 💔

both of my fics are going to have late updates this time around, I'm making sure to take care of myself so I've been giving myself a short break from writing! hopefully both, or at least one will have an update within a week but do know they will be back just giving myself a breather.

I started writing fics in January of last year and since then I have managed to write/publish 213,195 words, that's in just over a year and a half 😵‍💫 during that time I'm dealing with school, my part time job, and a head injury turned chronic head pain problem-we-dont-know-whats-wrong-🤷.. (ao3's writers curse is real yall)

I love writing fics, and I love getting comments and seeing how you guys react to them, it has been an outlet for me. I started writing and posting to ao3 as a way to push myself to start writing more and actually maybe get better at it, and I've loved the things I've been able to create, and I have ideas for more fics in the future!

cat got your tongue, and dirty shoes, the fics I'm currently writing, are probably my favorite fics I've written in this time, and they will both be ending soon. don't worry, there's still a handful of more chapters, but they are reaching their end, and I'm genuinely proud of what I've created, and I hope you've enjoyed reading, and that you'll continue to read what I create :)

[itsbelvina]

Hey everyone,

It's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened, and I haven't been in the best health. I got the flu, had headaches, a cough, and period cramps. But now, I'm feeling much better.

So many things have been going on, and I've noticed I've become colder. I haven't shared much lately because I feel like no one really cares about how I feel. I kind of forgot why I started blogging in the first place, and now I need to find ways to keep myself motivated.

I've changed a lot, and I'm not sure why. I've started avoiding conversations with people around me. When I meet them, I feel really anxious and can't control myself. I start sweating and always think about getting home as soon as possible because I just don't like being around people anymore.

I know that social interactions are important. I know that I need to keep people close to me so I won't feel lonely, but I'm just not into it anymore. I want to stay private.

It's strange because I used to enjoy talking and sharing my thoughts. Now, it feels like a burden. I don't feel like myself, and it's hard to explain. Maybe it's just a phase, or maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.

I'm trying to figure things out, and maybe this is just part of the process. I hope I can find a balance between staying private and still feeling connected to others. Right now, I need to focus on myself and what makes me comfortable.

Thank you to those who have been supportive and understanding. It means a lot, even if I don't always show it. I hope to get back to a place where I can share more openly again. For now, I just need some time.

Take care, and thanks for sticking around.

[sunshinekindof]

I kind of miss you

I felt terrible. It was the middle of the work week, and I had already managed to get sick. My throat was sore and my voice was hoarse and I couldn't stop coughing. My mood was lower than ever. Plus, I haven't seen Timothee in almost a week. We were going to meet with him a few days ago, but he constantly postponed our meeting, referring to the large number of work and working meetings. At first I was understanding about this, but today I was especially sensitive. I felt weak and all I wanted was to wrap myself in a blanket and snuggle up to my boyfriend. I know I acted like a little girl, but I didn't care.

Thank God it was already the end of the day, and I was free. I took the day off tomorrow and called Timothee. What if he's already was free, and we can finally see each other? I was able to get through to him only on the second attempt.

"Hey you" he said. He was in a good mood.

"Hi Tim. Will I see you today? It's been a while and I kind of miss you"

“I have one more meeting but I think it will take about an hour, after which I am all yours, my love”

"Really? Are you sure you can do it?" I asked hopefully.

“Yes, my love, I promise. I'm sorry, I gotta go, see you soon"

Before I could answer, he had already hung up.

Well, now my mood is clearly better. Just an hour, and I will be warm and in the arms of a loved one. From one thought, my mood became better and better.

Before I went home, I went to the pharmacy. While I was buying medicine for myself, my phone rang and the name of the person I needed so much right now was displayed on the phone screen.

"Hey baby, are you free?" I asked and heard there was music playing in the background.

“My love, listen...I'm sorry, but can I see you tomorrow? I'm really sorry, but this meeting is very important and I only need one evening and tomorrow I'm all yours. Promise"

My heart skipped a beat at his words. Seriously? Again?

“Tim, look, I don’t want to distract you, but maybe you can come to my place later? It doesn't matter how late it is. I will wait for you. Everything is fine, but I would not like to be alone today, ”I asked, although I already knew in advance what he would answer me. This has already happened. Timothee was so engrossed in his work that we didn't see each other for about a month.

“No, baby, go to bed, don't wait for me. I will be late. I want you to get enough sleep."

Yes, I thought, of course. He just did not know that I had not slept normally for 2 nights. I didn't want to tell him, but still... So, okay, I told myself, it's time to be a big girl and not be so needy. You can handle everything on your own.

"Yeah ok. I'll see you another time" I said and turned off my phone. I didn't want to listen to what he had to say. I've heard it 1000 times already. I didn't blame Timothee. I knew what I agreed to when we started dating, but still, like a stupid girl, I hoped for a miracle. We all want a miracle sometimes, right?

But we live in the real world, so I took a taxi and drove home. The drive home took me about an hour.

When I entered the apartment, I immediately smelled my favorite food. What? When I entered the kitchen, I saw Timothee cutting vegetables.

" Timothee? What's happening?" Seriously what?

When he heard my voice, he turned around and looked at me with a smile. But as soon as he saw me, the joy in his eyes immediately changed to excitement.

"Oh, baby, how are you feeling yourself?" he asked me.

"I'm...great," I said, but was caught in a lie when I started coughing loudly.

"Yeah, I see," Timothee said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“Timothee, what are you doing here? You said that…" 

“I know what I said and I'm sorry about that,” he interrupted me, “I was in a meeting, but your voice seemed strange to me, so when you hung up, I started calling you again, but your phone was unavailable. Then I called you at work, in case you were still there and I could pick you up, but you weren't there anymore. Your colleague answered my call and said that you had already left and that you had been feeling unwell all day. That's why I left early to take care of my girl."

I didn't want to cry, but my eyes were starting to fill with tears.

"Tim, you shouldn’t..."

“Of course you should. I'm sorry baby" he said and hugged me, pressing his lips to my forehead.

"God, you're hot" Timothy said and looked at me

"Thank you?" I smiled

“I'm serious, you have a fever. How long have you been feeling unwell?” he asked seriously

I lowered my eyes to the floor and replied, "Well ... since yesterday .."

"And you went to work?"

“I couldn’t leave, I have deadlines”

“And you didn’t tell me that you feel bad,” he began to scold me

"I didn't want you to worry"

“But what about the talk that we are partners and …” he continued, but when a tear rolled down my cheek, he immediately fell silent. God, I've become so sensitive that it's annoying

"I'm sorry"

“No, forgive me. I love you. Will you let me take care of you" he asked gently and pressed his lips to mine for a moment, but I immediately recoiled

"Don't kiss me, you'll get sick"

"Try to stop me and see what happens" he said and pressed his lips against mine again. I missed him so much that this time I did not resist. As he backed away from me, I whispered, “Thank you. I missed you"

“And I missed you. So much. Now go wash your hands, dinner is almost ready" said Timothee and turned me towards the bathroom.

"Yes sir" I said with a smile. My recovery will definitely be quick.

[blogger-yura]

Entry #51 Oct 04th '23

#YurasLife #WholesomeWednesday #SelfCare

𝐖𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐝𝐚𝐲 - 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐞

Hello, hello! Yura's back today with a new post~. And who'd have thought? It's a wholesome Wednesday!

It's been a second since my last of these, hasn't it? Well, it's been a second since my last of anything! I am around, just doing a lot more in real life than online. It's getting difficult to balance some of the things going on, work, life, love. But, I'm not complaining! It is what I chose for myself.

What I love, really.

I thought it was a good time for one of these, especially with everything going on in my life, I like sitting back sometimes and reminiscing, analyzing, and realizing how far I've come. Sometimes, I forget to actually appreciate my efforts because I wouldn't be where I am without myself, really.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐨𝐟

𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞

𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡

My thoughts tie onto today's quote, "The deepest for of self-care is building a life you're in love with", because what's the point of living a life you hate and can't handle?

I'm not saying it's easy, or it happens overnight, but working on ourselves and working on building a life we love... Shouldn't it always be the goal? I spent a while working on surviving. Day to day, paycheck to paycheck, foreseeing the next setback, preparing for the worst. And it was awful. You end up dreading, expecting the worst for the future.

One of my greatest acts of love to myself was to stop working towards survival and start building the life I want. So I can love it, enjoy it, and grow from it. The thing about staying in a place that's hurtful and negative for the soul is that you get familiar with the feeling of losing yourself, and then it's too late to find us again when we realize we're not the person we once were, or we hoped to be.

It wasn't easy. It took a lot of hits and falls to stand where I am, but unlike when I was just surviving... Standing back up made me stronger, not weaker. I believe it takes a lot of bravery, courage, and a good support system to just turn your life upside down. But it's also about selfishness, wanting better for oneself. Being selfish isn't always bad. That much I've learned.

So tell me, or think to yourself, do you love the life you lead? Are you working on something that'll make you great? Or are you surviving.

The first step before growth can happen is always recognizing our weaknesses. Can't figure out something we don't know, can we?

Ah, I'm a little soft again! Aren't I? Haha! It's the season! Fall is all about giving room to new beginnings, did you know? So maybe, if you want, do give it a try. Try and make this fall bring something new for yourself and your future. It might seem a little scary in the beginning, but there's never a loss in wanting better.

I'll go now, because besides new beginnings, October also brings... HALLOWEEN! Spooky season is here, and I can't wait to share all the exciting things I have prepared this year for it!

Will I see you around to celebrate? Haha! Stick around! You won't want to miss out ♡

All the love, my sweet angels! I'll be back soon~ Don't miss me too much! -Yura ♡

💗: @clubwnderland [💙] @jinju-oc @moonlightchn @kimheebby @nana-n-nono @coffeexdreamcb @silcntxnight @livealittleoc-cb @minsour-r @multi-esme @urtwice @san-cb @reve-rv @domrachaa @oppositesattraxt @lunaaofthemoon @badbf-cb @domxbot @the-hellhounds @monsterhigh-cb @theinvitation-bot @hwangroyaltycb @welcometosector1 @multi-joong @vanilladaises-rp @redlight-cb @theonesxcb @hybridsheltercb @beaconhillsxbot @yandereyeri @fallenangels-cb @shin-haneul

[lancedoncrimsonwings]

hiyo! i know we aren't like, close or anything, but i wanted to say i'm sorry you're having such a rough go of things right now and i hope things start to look up for you soon. things will get better, if you give them time; you've survived everything you've ever gone through up until this point, so whatever's going on right now, you can survive this, too. nothing can last forever. not the bad things, not even the things that feel in the moment like they have no end in sight.

of course, that's not to say that you shouldn't let yourself feel sad or angry or whatever else you're experiencing right now, because that is absolutely your right! feel your feelings. it's good to not bottle things up, and it's okay to not be okay. just be sure that you're also taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself, and extending to yourself the same grace and compassion that you would show a friend if they were in your shoes.

anyway, there's absolutely no pressure to respond to this; i know we're strangers to each other, and i don't know how full your inbox might currently be. but just on the off chance that you see this, i wanted to pop in and say that i'm rooting for you.

chin up, my friend! you CAN do this, and you're not alone <3

TW; suicidal ideation mention, self harm ideation mention, mental health talk

Debated whether or not to answer this on here but I wanted to say;

Anon, I don't know who you are, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

You and the few who reached out helped me more than I can say.

I found solace in these words from you and maybe they might help others feeling the same way as I have been lately too.

That mantra- "you've survived 100% of your worst days so far" is one I repeat to myself every single time I feel like this, reading it here made me cry, but in a good way. It was so so validating to have someone support me in the exact way I truly needed at that moment.

And it's true, we're often our own worst critics and we never give ourselves the same allowances we would anyone else. I'm trying to see things in the "what would you say to a friend feeling like this" way, but damn, it's hard to. I wasn't strong enough that night to treat myself with the kindness I, like anyone else, deserved, but rereading this the day after helped me to try.

I'm not in the darkest depths I've ever faced, and I'm doing so much better than I did in this boat many years ago, but facing those demons again was... terrifying. I've never truly escaped the suicidal ideation or the urges to harm myself, but being so close to both for the first time in a long time truly was a wake up call. (Disclaimer; I'm safe, did neither, and don't intend to)

I'm proud of the work I've done, proud of bow far I've come and the fact no matter how bad I'm feeling or how much I'm struggling to cope that I AM still coping much better than I used to.

It sounds cliche as shit, but I'm living proof that it gets easier. Sometimes I forget that, but Anon, you helped to remind me.

I'm not coping well right now, nor am I really "ok" yet. But I have hope I will get there.

In the words of a friend of mine;

"Sometimes the best that we can say, is that we've made it through this far and we haven't died just yet. Sometimes the world's too much to take, but it's ok to feel that way, and you are not alone in it."

- "Sometimes" by City of Ashes

I have "Sometimes" tattooed on my hand and "Survivor" across my knuckles as a reminder of this. Sometimes just getting through a day is a win, and if that's where I have to be at the moment, then one day at a time it is.

I have survived every day so far, and sure, maybe one day I won't. But I never thought I'd make it this far, yet here I am. I can keep going.

[artbyaleksandr]

🐶🐱Gallavich🐶🐱 💚💙Intropost🧡🖤

HI  ~  MY 🐶🐱Gallavich🐶🐱💚💙Intropost🧡🖤 

  💗 from @callivich thank you 💗

I'm not good at English I use translate most of the time 🥺 I've been in this fandom for almost a year now. But I'm a shy person  😳 💦  and a foreigner  💦 I follow a lot of fics. (I read it every day for almost a year) I follow many Writer. I hope to get to know more people in the fandom  🌟

Name: (can be a nickname)

Aleksandr /  AA

Age: 

20 + 

What made you fall in love with Gallavich?

I really like the Ian S1  That's probably the whole reason lol I saw a video of Ian dancing in TikTok. At first, I didn't care. But it shows up in my feed a lot. Until I continued to study the character of Ian, so I knew Shameless and was a gallavich stan ever since. (I quite believe Ian is definitely a character that I will fall in love with because of his character. I'm really looking for something new and interesting and yes I quite like the TOP HOT character and the warm hair color and I like the Power Bottom pair.  I bet against myself. What if I went to study Ian's character and I found out that he was top I would follow and yes I guessed everything right lol )

How long have you been a fan?

Late 2022

Favourite Gallavich moment/scene?

I love the S1 moment, the scene where Ian visits Mickey. I fell in love with the Smile scene to this day.  😊

Favourite Shameless character apart from Ian and Mickey?

I like Lip, he's my favorite character. I like smart characters. I like him 3rd in the show and I hope he gets better with every EP and disappointed in the latter ss)

Do you write or draw or make edits? Feel free to link to your work!

I drew, you can follow me here.  In the future there may be 18+ images/CMS/open of requests.

 / Tw :  @ARTbyAleksandr / IG : art_aleksandr_aa

Favourite type of Gallavich fics? Are you into angsty canon type fics or maybe fluffy one shots, perhaps you like dramatic canon divergent stories or interesting AUs - share what tropes/genres you like!

Since I've been following I've read a lot of Gallavich fics, really a lot.

I like Alpha/Omega /AU royalty / Mpreg👼 /Wolf Vampire🐺🧛/Hybrid🐶🐱

/fantasy🧚‍♂️🧝‍♂️/jealous Ian

I hope someday someone will write a girl! Mickey, not Tran, 

I need a fic F/M 🥺💦

Favourite Gallavich quote?

" Likin' what I like don't make me a bitch. "

"I Can Take Care Of Him, OK? Let Me Take Care Of Him Until He's Better."

I love you, Mickey Milkovich. More than anything.

Anything else you’d like to share about yourself?

Hello, I love the character Ian BUT  Mickey is always the best character.  I'm a foreigner. Almost all of my language and reading depend on translate. My language is very weird I like talking But I'm pretty shy for for starting a conversation I hope to have more friends in fandom. I'm cute. I can love you as soon as you talk to me.  (I came from a fandom about Japan before.idk much about European culture. Most of my drawings are Japanese style. I like the type of dog/cat. 🐶🐱I hope I can practice drawing 18+gallavich and be able to post.

[crushingcasanova]

Hi there :) I’m so sorry for my late response , things have been pretty freakin hectic .. i am here now , don’t worry :)

listening to you talk about theatre is so … mesmerizing. i love listening to people in general but .. its just so fun listening to you talking about that knowing how deeply you care about it. how its part of your life. im just sorta enamored（≧∇≦）

i agree , i absolutely adore fine arts. i just can’t get into anything else. its so awesome that you make jewelry!! ive been trying to get fully into it , but i cant seem to find the exact beads i need. but trust when i do .. its gonna be awesome. i do a lot of arts and crafts , and I really adore coloring. ive tried drawing but .. im so terrible , and i just hate being bad at things.

i definitely would say that i love people’s flaws .. usually those things are my favorite things about them ^^ but at the same time , i tend to get myself into bad relationships , then stay because “i can fix it! we will be fine and in love because ill help them!!” i bet you can guess how that turns out .. </3 i also agree that in most situations .. i don’t like to reach out , even if in my heart I do want to. i get nervous , and at times feel like if I didn’t reach out , no one would talk to me .. so i self isolate. im glad that im welcome here .. even if im kinda jsut like , a random person that doesn’t matter and is just yapping … </3

ughhh repurposing is so nice and so fun .. it makes you feel like you’re worth something , yk , giving an old piece a new home. its so rewarding. thrifting and antiquing is always rewarding , because almost every time i go , i find something. i almost never leave one of those stores empty handed .. (im also a shopaholic so ..) but its awesome that you do resin work !! is that calming ??

thank you so much for your kind words , i did get a good amount of sleep last night <333333 i have a few questions :)

what’s your fashion sense?

do you have any pets?

that’s it. thank you so much for letting me be here , hun !!

-🎭

Hello Cheshire <3 I quite missed you, so I was really happy to see you in my inbox again! I hope you've been well, dearie :) I know you mentioned it was hectic, so I hope you get a moment to relax!

I'm very honored that you like to hear me talk about theater! It's one of my biggest passions, honestly, because I adore being on the stage. I'd love to hear some of your favorite musical takes too, if you ever would like to share. I've always been into deep analysis, and I've done a lot for the Phantom and the Great Gatsby in particular :) I was lucky enough to see these before they closed, too, so I like to comment on the staging and the acting from the amazing actors who played my favorites. It also is a big inspiration for a lot of my writing, like this Great Gatsby one I did a while back about the beauty of Gatsby's obsession :) I hope you get those beads soon! I just started working with beaded jewelry a while back, and I make these kind of big pieces for some of my friends. I gifted my beloved a set inspired by them a while back and mailed it to them, and I'm planning to make some for my friends this year. I am sure you're not as bad at drawing as you say, but I think I completely understand the thought behind it. That's why I'm not really a fan of math, since I can never get better at it ... but I'm trying :) coloring is fun too, though! I completely understand self isolation, I used to be like that but I've changed a lot :) my beloved really stressed the importance of communication and taught me how to be more vulnerable and open up, but it's been an uphill battle. I don't think you're a random person who doesn't matter, dear! You bring a smile to my face with your messages, and it means a lot to know you care enough to talk to me too :) I agree with repurposing things :D It is lovely to give them their own home, I agree. It's kind of cute that you think of it like that :) I also am a bit of a shopaholic too, but I'm quite picky, so I usually leave empty handed. My resin work is quite fun! I would say it's a bit relaxing, but only at certain points in the process. The designing and the unmolding is fun, but not the pouring, because it starts to solidify quickly. You have to work quickly and then let it cure overnight if it's not UV resin. It can get a bit stressful As for your questions:

My fashion style is very cutesy, I'd say! A lot of skirts and sweaters, I usually don't wear jeans or other forms of pants very much to be honest. I wear a lot of pinks, blacks, purples, etc. I also am a big jewelry wearer, so I have a lot of that, and I usually am kind of maximalist when it comes to outfits. I also always have cute matching purses when possible :) I used to be a bit more like, hot topic emo style when I was younger, and I still shop there, but definitely less. I also wear a lot of dresses! I'm very hyperfeminine, I'd say, at least fashion wise. I think there are some pics somewhere on this blog, that I did for a follower special, or maybe some in love letter? Not sure! How do you like to dress?

I also do have a pet! I have a little black dog named stella :) she's a little cute miniature schnauzer mix! Do you have any pets, dear?

I hope this finds you well! I was so excited to answer this, sorry it took me a minute! Definitely took me a while to yap ^^;