#hopefully it lasts. i hate feeling angry and depressed during my period

[celticwoman]

on the bus feeling pretty 😚 im in such a good mood despite everything :D

[twelvemonkeyswere]

very intrigued by hermione/jaime crack 😳😳

thank you both @halfagod​ and @forbiddenfantasies1​ for asking about this! and sorry it's so long okay so - right off the bat, this isn’t anything romantic or anything, but it is crack.

you’ll likely remember there was some fanfic grrm was writing about his own characters fighting other characters. one of the first ones was Jaime Lannister vs Hermione Granger, and since he hates JK Rownling his descriptions of what a showdown between them would be were very uncharitable to the characters to say the fucking least, especially Hermione.

the whole thing is quite a bad read and it sent me thinking that there were a LOT of variables that would play into it if taken seriously, starting with their personalities, ages at the time of the match, reason why they’re fighting in the first place, etc.

and since I like world building and whatnot, I began thinking how to make their showdown realistic and feasable obeying the laws of their respective narratives, and then I decided it would be even more fun (hah) to make as many scenarios with those variables as possible, because that’s the sort of person i am. and then I realized... well. asoiaf began to be published in the 90s.... 1996, to be precise, when hermione was 17, and facing a war against a madman. and the parallels were right there, and thus I made a timeline to see how things would fit, and then some other ideas sprang up from that.

so now the main idea is that it all starts the year after the war, when Hermione comes back to Hogwarts to finish her studies while everyone else goes on with their lives. she’s alone, she has to deal with everything she saw and everything she had to do, and with everyone else in Hogwarts being traumatized too... so she’s depressed, and trying to get better. and in my idea, one of the things she tries is to get back to the things that made her happy before it all went wrong, reading among them.

particularly, reading muggle books. because since she knows real magic now, well, regular fantasy books must lose some of their charm, right? but what if that was what she loved as a kid, and she’s desperate enough to get away from what reality is now, in real-magic world? so maybe she tries new stories, see what she’s missed in the last couple of years.

and maybe she is afraid of being judged for having some of those books or she just wants some peace and quiet, so she sneaks into the room of requirements and foolishly and naively asks for a room where she can “immerse” herself in the book she’s trying to read that night.

and that’s how she meets Jaime, by going into the world of the book. and the idea was then that she would periodically travel into the books and see Jaime at different ages, and as she gets older and processes what happened during the war, her perspective of the events and her life shifts and changes, not unlike Jaime’s story changes through the books.

anyways i wrote some 2k words about grief and healing and it’s been sitting there, looking at me and threatening to become too long.

here’s the bit where she first meets Jaime in case you’re interested

(be warned, I never read HP in English and I haven’t consumed any media about it in YEARS. also i suck at actions scenes)

come ask stuff about my WIPs if you want!

“Who are you?” The white knight demanded.

Hermione frowned and ignored the question, inspecting the trees behind the man, the grass of the meadow under her feet. She had clearly been portkeyed somewhere, where was the artifact? 

“Answer me!” the man demanded. He shifted on his feet, his armor creaking and clinking. “Who sent you?” 

“He said,” a second voice drawled behind her. “Where did you come from?” 

Jumping to one side, Hermione noticed another knight, much closer to her, but also much younger. He was tall, but had a leaner frame even with the white armor, same as his companion. He didn’t have his helm on either, and she spotted it on the ground, likely dropped so the boy could hold his sword with both hands, the point of which was angled at her throat, even at a distance. His curly hair, golden and sticky with sweat, enveloped two emerald green eyes that moved with the murderous intent of a cat. 

Hermione swallowed.

If velas were male, she blinked in confusion, this is what they would look like.

It was stupid to realize that at a moment like this, given the fact her life was being threatened, but no human being was ever that beautiful. It had to be magic. 

She looked around, trying to remember what had been next to her in the Room of Requirements. Where’s the bloody thing?

“Accio portkey,” she swished her wand in a circle above her head, but nothing happened.

“Get her!” the man ordered the boy, and both stepped forward, closing in. Their swords drew up, the man holding it above his head, the boy raising the pommel to his cheek.

“Whoa!” Hermione reached instinctively into her robes and got her wand out. Her mind raced, trying to recall everything she knew about metal charming, but when the knights were upon her, she disapparated with a faint pop. 

She apparated a couple of meters away, shaking her head off the unpleasant feeling of being vaccumed through space. As she opened her eyes, there was a loud clank from the swords that met where she should have been. The boy trembled below the man’s strength, holding his ground with some difficulty.

“Oi, please!” she called to them, holding a hand out in a placating gesture. “Where am I? Who are you?”

As one, the man turned with fury towards her, and the boy frowned in angry confusion. She had a second to recall Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, and, not without failing to see the irony, felt grateful she had learned forgetfulness spells from the best.

“Witchcraft,” the older knight muttered, and the boy only glanced at him for a moment, returning his eyes to her. “Cut her throat!” 

The boy hesitated a second, but when the older man charged towards her, so did he. 

“Wingardium leviosa!” she yelled at the armors, to no effect. “Shit.” She disapparated again, just before they reached her. She apparated by a tree this time, to their right. She aimed at the clothes they hopefully had below their armors and forced herself to speak through the haze. “Wingardium leviosa!” 

Both knights lifted into the air like they weighed less than feathers. 

“Seven hells!” the older knight screamed, anger and fear mixing as he balanced unceremoniously on his spot. 

Iron, Hermione breathed with relief to herself. It was the iron.

She didn’t know what to expect, she had never tried to charm uncharmed metalwork before. Unless you counted locks. Then again maybe that charmed the air around the metal, or maybe there was more magic in this particular iron, she didn’t have the time to--

“What is this?” the young man demanded, as he waved his sword around, testing if he was being held on the spot like a puppet.

Hermione walked towards them with caution. 

“Gentlemen, please!” she called to them through their grunts and curses. “Where am I? Who are you?” 

“Silence, witch!” the older man ordered, trying to stick his sword to the ground in an attempt to descend.

“I’ll let you down as soon as you answer my questions,” she swallowed, reminding herself of the many times she had fought against enemies bigger than her. “I just want to get home.” 

The boy bore his eyes into hers. “Where is that?” 

“None of your bloody business,” she replied instinctively. 

“She’s not from here, ser,” the boy said to the older knight. “She wears odd clothes, speaks strange words.” 

“Shut up, Ser Jaime, get to--”

But Hermione didn’t get to hear what the man wanted the boy to do.

“Ser Jaime?” the name was out of her mouth before she knew it. She squinted at the boy’s armor, saw the seven swords engraved on the plate, and realization hit her. She looked at the boy, then at the man. I’ll be fucking damned. 

“Jaime.” she repeated, bringing the boy’s attention back to her. “Jaime… Lannister?”

[haikyuuwaifu]

Request Pt.2

Pt 1 @ktxb

This is the second part to the Tsukki Angst I received Yesterday:

The first six months without you were the longest six months for Tsukishima. He didn’t know where you were or if you were okay. He couldn’t go to your family; he knew you had a falling out years ago. He couldn’t go to his family, his mother would never forgive him for what he had done. Cradling his head in his hands; his mind drifted back to that day.

At first he was angry, but not because he did it no; he was angry because YOU FOUND OUT he did it. How dare you go through his things. His computer. Did you try going through his phone too? He was filled with complete rage, at the fact that you thought you were better off without him. It’s not his fault you had become unattractive to him. You never wore nice clothes the same way she did. You never bothered to doll yourself up even a little bit. You never wanted to go out anywhere. You had let yourself go and he couldn’t find it in him to be attracted to you anymore...

Even so, a part of him knew that he could just talk to you about getting yourself right and fixing it. He had meant to do those things; but then his co-worker had invited him out and she kept doing it. And she was pretty with her light make-up and her hair falling over her shoulders. Her eyes sparkled in a way that yours didn’t anymore. She was everything you had been, and he was too weak to say no. He found himself smiling more, and laughing freely...but you were’nt the one causing these feelings in him. What he didn’t know was that you were too busy with school to want to go out. You were so close to acheiving your dreams you could practically taste it. You spent all your free-time studying or doing your internship. What he didn’t know was that you would wake up before him, work out and come home; he would wake up with breakfast ready and meals made for the day; as you sat in your office and studied. What he didn’t know was how you took his dry cleaning in when he forgot. Or how you would stop by his favorite place and have his afternoon snack delivered. He didn’t know that you had spent the last two years working in order to put the two of you in the home of your dreams. You didn’t have time to go out; and if you were being honest you preferred being at home anyway. You didn’t have time for make up or dressing up, you didn’t go anywhere. So while you were busting your ass, he was sitting there wining and dining a girl who gave him all the attention he craved; because you had grown up and apparently he hadn’t.

He assumed you would just need some time to process things, and that you two would work it out. He had made a mistake yes, but you were the one who drove him to it. So while he waited he continued seeing her. Since you were gone she spent more time there with him. It felt good, being able to be with her in the open like this. Until three weeks after the incident happened, and she was there when a visitor knocked on the door. Tsukki had been in the shower, after another round of love making so he didn’t hear the door.

The first thing he heard was a female voice yelling, and then another voice yelling over it followed by a third. Wrapping a tower around his waist he made his way to the living room, only to see Yachi standing there with her by the hair. Behind her stood Yamaguchi eye’s full of absolute hatred and Kuroo behind him face void of any emotion. “What the actual fuck Tsukishima Kei!” Yachi screeched at him. “Let me fucking go you psycho.” she snarled at Yachi. Yachi snarled tugging harder, “Shut the fuck up! I cam here to tell my best friend that she was going to be an Auntie. That she was going to be the god mother to our baby, and tell me why; I haven’t been able to get a hold of her since before my fucking honeymoon Tsukishima Kei!” Yachi screamed face bright red. Next to her Tadashi spoke. “Breathe sweetheart, all this rage isn’t good for the baby. Just breathe alright.” Turning to Tsukki he spoke; “ What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Like seriously, how stupid could you be to do something like that?”

Tsukishima made a motion to speak when Tadashi held up his hand. “Don’t say anything, from here on out you don’t exist to me. You don’t exist to me or my wife or our kid; because I could never let someone like you around them.” tunring he made his way towards the door tugging Yachi along. “Why were you with them?” Tsukki asked eyeing Kuroo in his door way. “Because I’m the only one who knows where she is, and there’s no way in hell I’m telling you.” Turning Kuroo walked out, “By the way, enjoy your last few days at your job. Kenma bought them out, and come Monday...you’re fired.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first 6 months were hard without you...the following 18 months that followed were even harder. Tsukishima really did get fired that Monday he went into work. He couldn’t even request a letter of recommendation. It was by some miracle that he had pursued his dual degrees, as he found himself working in the local Museum. 

Things with her didn’t go well either. She left his apartment that same day, pissed off that he was still waiting for you. He didn’t bother to contact her, until she showed up on his door step 6 months later belly heavy with child. That was a shit storm and a half of screaming and yelling. Tsukki didn’t want to be with her, over the 6 month period that they hadn’t spoke he had done some serious reflecting. He realized that he should have been a lot better to you, and that he shouldn’t have stepped out on you. You had left your Computer in the apartment, and he had gone through it; hoping to find any indication of where you’d gone. Instead, he found everything you had been working on. You had saved it there as a back up and he looked through it and actually cried when he saw the amount of work you put in for the two of them. 

A year after the incident Tsukki worked in a museum, lived in a smaller apartment so he could pay child support; and had an overall depressed disposition. His life was absolute shit. He hated his job, his apartment, and he hated the mother of his child. A child he should have had with you. Could it really get any worse?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

18 months after the incident, Tsukishima received an invitation to an engagement party. It was for Kuroo and Kenma...Funny he didn’t know the two of them were seeing anyone, let alone each other. Maybe with some hope you would be there. 

The party was pretty fancy, all things considered. He had no choice to but to bring her, seeing as plus ones were a requirement. Tsukki knew she only wanted to come in hopes of seeing you; so she could rub it in that she had won. BUT he didn’t think she won anything. They weren’t even together, they shared a child and an occasional bed every now and then; but if he could see you...then hopefully he could beg for a second chance.

As the party carried on Tsukishima found himself surrounded by nearly everyone from his old school, his old team, his old job. It was nearly suffocating how many people had been here. Why had so many people shown up for Kuroo and Kenma’s engagement? Why was it such a big deal; everyone had speculated that the two of them were together for years. In front of him he saw Tadashi and Yachi, a toddler being held against him. He moved towards them, strides confident. He was sure they would have forgiven him by now. Tadashi had been his best friend since Middle School, and maybe if he apologized they would help him find you; so he could make things right. As he neared them, his steps faltered when he saw Kuroo step forward to grab the child. Kenma was next to him cooing at the baby. Behind Kenma and Kuroo...was you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You told your boyfriends you didn’t want a big engagement party; it wasn’t necessary when everyone who needed to know knew. But you knew they had ulterior motives. You weren’t stupid. You knew Kenma had bought out Kei’s company just to fire him. You knew both of them kept your whereabouts a secret so they could watch him fall to ruin...you just couldn’t find it in you to care. After what he did to you...after everything you did for him, how could you find it in you to care? So you simply let them do what they wanted. It was better all around...

The first six months were hard...You were heart broken and you blamed yourself...but you weren’t alone and that had helped some what. The following six months after, you had gone to therapy. To talk about what happened, how you felt, the direction your life was taking...A year after the incident you had dropped out of school with Kenma and Kuroo’s blessing to find your new dream. And find it you did...you had become successful over night. And during that time, you had Kenma and Kuroo...they had loved you for so long...they had resigned themselves to never having the chance; because Tsukki was supposed to be your forever. 

They waited the allotted time before approaching you. They wanted to take things slow, in case you weren’t ready. Therapy had helped and you knew that they wouldn’t do what Tsukishima did. They had loved you for so long. So you gave it a shot, and you never once regretted your decision. They made everything so easy for you and supported you and your dreams. It was honestly, amazing. 

Smiling softly you turned towards your godson ready to take him from Kuroo when your eyes fell on the man you hadn’t seen for two years. Behind him was the woman he had cheated with. Funnily enough, she had fallen pregnant and was now a permanent fixture in his life. You couldn’t help the look of satisfaction on you felt as you saw her eyes narrow in jealousy. At the sound of your name you turned back towards him. 

“Hello Tsukishima-san, thank you for attending.” you stated bowing politely. He returned it body trembling. “W-What..how have y...” behind you Kenm and Kuroo smirked. They had invited him on purpose to show him exactly what he was missing. You were gorgeous, glowing, and happy and Tsukishima Kei would never get to see that side of you again after today. “W-what are you doing here?” he asked. Tilting your head you smiled softly. “It would be silly of me to miss my own engagement party Tsukishima-san.” 

and with that single sentence Tsukishima Kei had absolutely shattered....

@dabilove27 @nataliahaslosthershit

[wetookanoath]

personal struggles, the fate of this and other blogs and apologies.

This year so far has been strange and not good for me and this blog. Some of you know my long history with hate in this fandom and while it’s always nice to hear your kind words, the hate I get is every day worse to the point I had to take off the anonymous option on this blog, my personal, the Library, the writing events and even the damn porn blog.

A few months ago I said I was gonna delete all blogs, and as promised I also deleted my twitter account, passed the instagram account to someone else (who hasn’t done anything with it yet), deleted other b*zzf*ed related blogs I ran, and left others I helped in.

I answered to every and all asks on this blog and the porn blog (most asks now on queue or drafts, waiting to be posted slowly to not spam), finished the event that didn’t went as good as it seemed and passed the administration of the Library to my personal account to never left it die down.

During this time, something happened in my personal life and I found myself in a very dark place I never thought I would go back to after it happened to me many years ago. But it did, and I had to dealt with it all over again, but this time there was a difference, this time I knew were to start and it helped me because I was able to ask for what I needed and get help.

I’m on meds again. I’m not proud of it and it... makes me angry that I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m making less money, lost a person, stopped writing, entered a rehab therapy for two weeks for depression (I didn’t tell anyone but my family, which won me a very long fight with my best friend and two of my best friends online), ended in the hospital last month. 

That long period I spent away from this blog, forgetting to answer replies I got e-mails for and the days of check-in and whatnot for the Exchange, god they were so good even with all that mess going on. I watched and read so many things, even if suffered not writing and other physical things. But I felt good, I really did. Which I think it’s why I was happy to get back here, just to find hate on my inbox yet again (from the same person as always, by the way. This woman really is the saddest person on the planet. Yes, it’s about you. I know you are reading this), and I really thought “why do I keep doing this to myself?”

And then weeks ago I finally realized why. And it’s because I like this show so much. I like the pictures and the stories, the chat group I’m in even if sometimes I feel like they don’t like me, and most important, in spite of all the hate we get here, I love the stories I write for this fandom, and my ship. I’ve never wrote this good, gotten the chance to improve and learn better english too.

I love the writer I am in this fandom and I have wrote so much these past few weeks, and all because I started to write shy*n again. 

So what do I do?

There are days when I forget this blog exists. It’s been so boring, this hiatus and how things have changed, the lack of content makes things dry and easier to forget. I just forget it exists, but then when I get in, it’s fun when there’s no hate. I find it entertaining to go into my blogs and tag everything properly, organize tag pages and make lists of films based on things, make edits, answer old asks I didn’t have time for before.

Since now that anonymous is off I don’t get any asks, I had have the chance to answer in depth so many things I had left behind before, it’s been fun. Like it used to be, January-July of 2018 came again to remind me of how things were before The Change. I enjoyed preparing this blog for my deperture, and I found myself not wanting to go.

My first thought after that revelation? “People is going to hate on me on anonymous for changing my mind”. Isn’t that fucking sad? That I have to condition everything I do so people won’t hate me on anonymous and say horrible things just because I complain bout things, then calm down and change my mind like any other normal person does on a daily basic... on my own, personal blog? 

So, so far, this is what will happen:

The blog reminds, since it’s also kind of an archive for this fandom with how much has been posted that I know it’s resourceful to people for all kinds of things.

Anonymous will perpeturally be off in all my blogs. The Library’s inbox will remain closed.

I’m still going to take my long periods of ignoring this blog, so I’m sorry if you sent me any qs and I don’t answer right away.

It will be on perpetual semi-hiatus, since I will come back once a week to answer things, tag stuff, stock the Library’s queue and the one on this blog.

About the updates, I’m just going to post things I would like to archive myself.

New fanfics/chapters of fics coming every Saturday until I’m done posting everything I wrote these weeks. I’m still writing, so I guess my day of the week to check replies, messages and asks will be on Saturday.

I don’t think I will be around for the new season, not the way I used to. I’m so gonna watch it, but no posts from me anymore. This is a big maybe, since I’m not sure of many things right now, especially with my health as fragile as it is right at the moment.

There’s, so far, 131 original posts on queue. These are: lists that were requested on this blog on such things like all episode Shane called Ryan ‘baby’, personal favorite shyan moments with links (I worked so much in this one, I ended up hating it), etc., edits from many things, included shoots found in old articles and so on, the ongoing ‘fave insta pics’ series of Ryan, Shane, TJ, Sara, Kelsey and the boys in other people’s instagrams, more favorite fanfic edits, and more buzzships edits. Also, a few headcanons, rec lists and solo recs.

Queue will post three posts a day, one original text, one reblog, one original edit. Texts are less than the edits, so when they are over, it will be two edits and one reblog. I will be stocking the queue during my weekly visit, so I don’t know if it will eventually run off original posts or not. 

Library reminds what it is, inbox closed until further notice.

Writing Events is over, though. I’m too tired for that. At least for a long break.

This really all depends on my health and how things are once the show is back. I miss the interaction a lot, so having lost the anonymous option it’s really a big bummer for me, and maybe to the people who did like to interact with me and the blog’s content in a positive way via this option. We’ll see.

And finally, I want to apologize not only for the long of this but for my negative reactions months ago. It was wrong, childish at times and out of character. I didn’t realize I was getting bad, and when I did it had already gotten worse. I can now look at all those desperate posts and see how bad I really was at keeping it together and how desperate I was to be okay. 

While I still believe I didn’t deserve the harassment I was getting, I should had never given onto it and answer back. I shouldn’t. It was not only bad for me, but to the people who followed/follows this blog and engaged into the negativity too. 

I caused that by acting exactly how the hateful people wanted me to, and instead of showing myself as the imperfect human being I am, all people saw was a crying girl asking to be appreciated and loved back. And the reality is that forcing those things to happen won’t make it any better, on the contrary, it makes it worse.

All those times I said, “why does people have to insult me for you to care about me?”, it was because I made it happen. I decided to posts those answers and reply to the hate, and it made people, worried by my answers and the tone of them (yeah, I was pretty suicidal and paranoid, I didn’t realize until recently), send their support. It made it look like that was the case, that I needed to be hurt for people to appreciate me.

But now, I don’t post those things. Had to shut down anonymous asks. And last week I got one ask, just one, of someone saying they love this blog. There was no reason for it, just someone who saw me online and send in their positivity. And it was the best thing in the world, those short words, the best ones.

So yes. My sincere and deepest apologies to everyone, involved or not, for having acted, well, toxic in the past months. Hopefully, it won’t happen again. Meds, no anon and semi-hiatus will make a difference, I hope. And things will be fine.

Thanks for the support, the kindness and the love. And thanks for reading this bible.

Love you,

Nina.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[morethannotenough]

...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back. 

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard. 

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar. 

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now. 

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it. 

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am. 

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable. 

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago. 

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings. 

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.” 

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight. 

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years. 

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[nicolekidmanwigfactory]

ok, so listen to the shit my psychiatrist told me yesterday because IT. IS. JUICY. (TW: eating disorders)

i need to vent but here’s a read more in case you wanna skip this because this is LOOOOOONG

i was describing to her how i’m currently pricing out personal trainers to help me start exercising again in a healthy, non-disordered way because the last three times (in the past 18-24 months or so) that I tried to start working out again, I found myself spiraling and getting overly anxious or unrealistic about my goals, so i’d either overexercise, restrict, and/or purge.

as i described the height of my exercise compulsion-- highest intensity elliptical for 60 minutes or 2000 calories burned (whichever came second) every single day, no exception (Sundays were my off day and I relished them)-- from seven years ago, which was worse than the actual bulimia at times, she just cut me off and said an hour a day wasn’t too bad, ignoring 1. the 2000 calories thing, 2. that i weighed about 130lbs less I do now, and 3. i was either severely restricting or compensating for binge behaviors from voracious appetite swings 4. caused by hormonal fluctuations 5. due to then-undiagnosed thyroid cancer.

BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. then she laid into my dietitian and said eating disorder dietitians in general are overly focused on “making sure their patients are comfortable eating” instead of losing weight (if they're ones who need to, of course). ummm...getting me less regimented in my eating is the fucking point. i’d eat something i wasn’t “supposed” to and then purge it somehow (exercise, vomit, restriction, etc.). <-- that’s the fucking basics of the fucking disorder, and that’s not even explicitly mentioning the mental illness aspect.

again, she told ME, A LONG-DIAGNOSED, DEPRESSED GRADUATE STUDENT WITH A HISTORY OF TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA AND OTHER EATING DISORDERS that i need to lose weight. Yes, i know that. does she really think i don’t know that? i wear my clothes and look in the mirror and have been in eating disorder treatment for the past five fucking years. what makes her think this is news to me? does she not think i don’t remember how I bust my ass off to healthily lose 100 pounds in college, and then gained it all back (and then some) in FOUR FUCKING MONTHS when my bulimia turned into binge eating disorder and my EATING-DISORDER AND QUASI-SUICIDAL MIND tricked myself into thinking this was the healthier option?! BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL REMEMBER. she does have the point that my weight is not healthy in the long-term (of course i know that), but neither is a fucking depression and any kind of eating disorder.

i WANT to lose weight but my dietitian agreed to work with me on the condition that my focus COULD NOT be on losing weight (she was gonna work with me no matter what, but she’s a genius with how she approaches her clients) until my eating patterns were stable and the frequency of my disordered behaviors dropped dramatically (which they have- i’ve only purged ONCE in the past year. My binges are not just far and in between but also much smaller and cheaper than they used to be). so if she’s gonna come after my dietitian, this psychiatrist is also coming after me because i would not be where i am without her (+ my therapist).

okay, i did expect some of this coming into the appointment though, so i did subject myself to this a little. she said some of this stuff in october at the first appointment i had with her but i was able to talk back against it in my head and discuss it with my therapist and i didn’t think about it again for a couple weeks. but the shit she was saying yesterday was just so much more inappropriate and insensitive that I only tolerate it for the refills on my meds.

i’m not saying she’s an awful psychiatrist. i just feel she needs to work on her bedside manner, or at least with her overweight eating disordered patients (because we already feel pretty shitty about that, and you don’t even need to have an eating disorder to feel that) or she needs more training in eating disorder treatment protocol. at one point in both appointments, she implied with the subtlety of a sledgehammer that it won’t be possible for me to have good self-esteem at my current size and weight, which completely defeats the point of body positivity and loving yourself at any size (FYI: Loving yourself at any size ≠ pro-obesity. Anyone who says otherwise is looking for a socially acceptable way to hate on fat people. The key word is “any.”).

All this said, she is a capable clinician. the medication regimen she has me on is working beautifully. my depression is so much more stable and the highs and lows of my mood are more like speed bumps and potholes than the mountains and ocean trenches of before. my anxiety is under much better control too (though a lot of that is because of the strategies I’ve been working on with my wonderful therapist) and the anxiety is also more situational. after all, i did go a gay bar by myself last weekend for the first time ever (it was at 2:00 on a Sunday afternoon, but i still did it despite the anxiety!). 

I am also so appreciative of her ADHD diagnosis. I was apprehensive at first because the diagnosis was so quick and not even the focus of the appointment, but the medication she put me on is working. i thought that high school killed any enjoyment i once had for serious, intellectual reading, but since the medication i’ve started paging through the plethora of books i’ve bought over the years but never read and gotten absorbed by random pages even though i don’t know what’s going on. I don’t remember the last time was able to concentrate for extended periods of times without a deadline or outside pressure. i can read lengthy journal articles in record time and still absorb the information. the only downside is they kill my appetite, which she admitted she is part of the reason why prescribed them for me. (this part i’m not that upset about since i have been on binge suppressants for years and I see this as an additional tool- I’ve had no urge to abuse them other than the ED voice that instinctually tells me to, but I’ve just ignored it from the beginning).

so even though she is highly insensitive to my needs, she is also a highly capable and otherwise qualified psychiatrist. however, during therapy today, i discussed her comments with my therapist and that I would continue to see her while i searched/waited for an appointment with a different psychiatrist, since I had to wait 7 months to see this current doctor. instead, my therapist jumped on the phone, called a couple numbers and was able to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist she trusted for right after the new year. so i only have to see this current one once more and that’s only so I can get refills and continue my current medication regiment, which been working wonderfully for me.

i didn’t mean to make this so long but it feels good to get this out. my clinician is gonna inform my dietitian (which is making me impatient for my next appointment because she was ready beat a bitch last time because of this doctor and i want to see what she has to say this time) and then, if i didn’t mind, she wanted to bring this up with some managers at her location. i don’t care if she informs some higher ups, i just don’t want my name to get back to the psychiatrist until after the next/last appointment. i’m also going to file a complaint, not for vengeance or anything, just so her superiors can hopefully let her know how other patients might interpret her comments.  

at least for me, this psychiatrist’s comments aren’t about me not being able to handle what i don’t want to hear. they were unprofessional, inappropriate, and frankly, uninformed and dangerous. if i hadn’t been further along in my recovery, i might have been liable to abuse my adderall as an appetite suppressant for weight loss purposes, start exercising and dieting again when i’m not mentally ready, or just accept her fat-shaming for what it wasn’t since since it was coming out of the mouth of an MD.

But I’m lucky to be in a place where I can recognize those comments for what they are. And I give credit to my therapist and dietitian, who’ve gotten me that place in the past year and a half (and I guess the current psychiatrist deserves some credit too for her medication regimen that was effective right off the bat, but that’s where I’ll leave it). And to the therapists, dietitians, and doctors I’ve have in the past five years, but mostly to my current ones, because they got me back on track when I moved back to WI and then further along than I have ever gotten before. Their voices are nagging in my ear to myself credit to, so I guess I played my part too.

@lorinwasadiver let me know when you’ve read this bc i want to know your angry thoughts

[azworkingdogs]

Introducing Your New Puppy To Your Older Dog

Appropriately and successfully introducing your new puppy to your older dog is critical!  If this process is done wrong, you can end up with an injured puppy or a fractured relationship where they hate each other for a lifetime.  Neither of those are great options!

Most of the time, the acclimation process goes fairly smoothly.  The majority of people just bring the puppy home and hope for the best.

The problem is that sometimes “the best” doesn’t happen for the new puppy, existing well behaved dog and dog owner.

I have seen puppies seriously injured, broken, and even killed by older or existing adult dogs.

And, I think we can all agree that we want to avoid this at all cost.

The truth is, I think in most of the above mentioned, sad scenario the aggressive behaviors could have been avoided or at least controlled.

Yes, I will admit that some dogs simply aren’t going to accept sharing their space with another dog or new puppy.  If you have a dog that is dog aggressive or has aggressive or reactive behavior tendencies; I would recommend you seek the advice of a local doggy day care facility, boarding facility or even a boarded veterinary animal behaviorist to see if your dog can peacefully coexist with a very submissive, or neutral dog or well behaved puppy.

Trust me, the anguish of losing a puppy to your older dog isn’t worth the risk if you think it is a possibility.

Beyond that, most dogs can at least be somewhat acclimated to a new puppy if the situation and training is handled correctly.  Go into it knowing it is going to take some time.

From Your Dog’s Perspective

Imagine, if you will how your dog feels when you bring a new puppy home.

He is probably happy being an “only child” and enjoying all of your attention and now he has to share everything he has with someone else.  And, puppies require a lot of time and attention, making the change even more drastically felt by your dog.

I can imagine that this brings stress and a feeling of helplessness, perhaps even a little depression.  Yet dog owners don’t really consider or think about this when they want to bring a new puppy home.

Putting yourself in your dog’s “paws” may at least help you to be more cognizant of how he is feeling and giving him space away from the puppy while making sure you are also spending one on one time with him.

Puppies Are Overwhelming Beings

  We love puppies!  They are full of life and full of energy!  It is amazing to watch them experience new things and develop.

However, puppies can be very overwhelming to adult dogs, especially older dogs.

Puppies don’t really come with a lot of respect of space and pain.

For instance, you wouldn’t let your three year old run and jump on or bite your ninety five year old great grandmother.   Yet we expect adult and older dogs to find puppy antics charming but not all dogs do!  It is always important to constantly and consistently assess all dog’s behaviors and interactions.

Doggy day care is also a great option for wearing out your puppy.  Your local vet may offer boarding or day care or You can check out Rover.com.

Introducing a Puppy

Introducing a puppy should be done carefully.

First, I like to exhaust my new puppy prior to any introductions.  Tired puppies are always more delightful than wild puppies.  The excitement of the puppy meeting a new dog will be difficult enough to contain, so I suggest a good long walk or play session prior to the meeting.

Pick neutral ground (not a park that you take your dog to all of the time) and put both dogs on leash.

You may want a family member to hold the new puppy while introductions are initially made on neutral ground.  First they should hold the young pup under their arm or at the waist so that both can get a look at one another.  Provided there is no growling or aggressive behaviors the puppy can slowly be lowered for each to get a little sniff of one another.   Harnesses can make this more helpful.

Watch for signs of fear or aggressive behavior from either party.  I remember introducing one of my young eight week old puppies to my existing dog; and the puppy was doing all of the growling.  Respect a growl and give the other part more time to acclimate.  Happy introductions are crucial.

If there are no signs of fear or aggression from either dog the puppy can be set on the ground.  Steps should be taken to ensure the puppy does not pounce, jump on or bite the adult dog.  Allow the adult dog to come into the puppy’s space if so desired.  If the adult dog does not want to investigate the puppy he should not be forced to do so!  Remember aim for a conflict free introduction, even if it takes time.

Let Them Work it Out

I am a big believer in teaching my puppies respectable manners and how to interact with adult dogs so that they won’t cause the adult dog to bite or correct them.

Some dog trainers and dog owners will tell you that the adult dog should just correct the puppy and teach him, himself. However, again, I have seen adult dog that can seriously hurt a puppy with a misplaced, misguided, or angry bite.

Size of the dog matters of course, a Yorkshire Terrier bite is much smaller than that of a Pitbull Terrier.

Taking Them Home

Once the initial meeting has occurred and hopefully everyone is getting along, you may take them home.

Allow your existing adult dog to be off leash and in whatever space he so chooses.  It is your goal to make life as normal as possible for him as you continue to integrate your new pup.

But, keep the puppy on a leash.  Leashes are essential in teaching manners and conditioning good behavior from the beginning!  It will be a bit exhausting keeping your puppy on leash in the house but it will prevent him from annoying your other dog, cat, pet or other family members.  It will also prevent him from developing other bad behaviors like stealing items he shouldn’t have or chewing on your things.

Let’s face it, you aren’t going to allow your puppy to eat the sofa, a sock, or your carpet if he is on a leash and tethered to you.  You are also going to notice when he needs to go outside and go potty, so this is also critical for quick puppy potty training.

If your adult dog wants to interact with the new puppy, he can come into his and your space and initiate interaction or play.

Leash training in the house will also help with puppy potty training, you will know when to take him outside.  You can also teach him to go inside in an indoor litter box or grass potty box if you have a small dog and you prefer this type of training.

Dog Crates

Dog Crates are essential to good dog training and ownership.

Crates keep puppies safe when you are not able to keep an eye on them.  Last week, in the veterinary hospital I work at, we had two puppies come in that needed emergency surgery to have items cut out of their stomachs.

Dog crate training will also help your existing adult dog feel normal and maintain his space while giving him a break from the pup.  During this time you can spend some special one on one time with your original dog.

Crates also aid in potty training. 90% of puppies don’t want to make a mess in their crate and sit in it.  I have a current client who called in a panic because the puppy they have had for less than a week, who was doing well with potty training, started having accidents one day.  The day in question was really cold and our first snow of the year.  Simply, the puppy didn’t want to be outside in the cold and find a place to potty, so he waited until he came inside and was put behind his baby gate to go potty.  It was natural for the pup to want to potty where it was warm.

The owners were in a panic, I got several text messages late one night.  I suggested crating him if he didn’t go potty outside, but they were worried about him making a mess in his crate.  Whereas, I understand and empathize; sometimes you have to make a mistake in order to understand that you don’t ever want to do that again.  Crates can be crucial in teaching this lesson very quickly.

Impact makes my favorite crate and no dog can get out.

Baby Gates and Play Pens

I don’t mind baby gates and play pen areas being utilized once your puppy is essentially potty trained.  But larger spaces that you aren’t consistently monitoring can encourage potty accidents.  It is much better to sneak off to the corner of a room or the corner of a play pen and have an accident, than it is to have an accident in your crate.

However, if there is animosity within the pack between your dog or dogs and the new addition a baby gated area or play pen can give everyone a little space and a good place to be.

Let’s face it, your existing dog is going to want to sit with you and spend time with you like he did prior to the arrival of the new furry package, and if he doesn’t like the new puppy; having the puppy with you constantly might cause some more animosity.  So utilizing a play pen for short periods of time can allow the puppy to chew on some appropriate items or take a nap while the dogs get used to spending time together without feeling forced.

After all, if they aren’t getting along well forced interaction is only going to make it worse.  Calm, quiet, controlled and well behaved interaction is what will help build a better and less stressful relationship.

If They Are Getting Along

  Even if your adult dog and your new pup are getting along famously, be sure to give them both breaks.

Everyone needs a break and some alone time.  Even the happiest couples spend time by themselves and enjoy their own hobbies.  Remember your dogs need breaks too in order to have good mental health.

I feel sorry for dogs that can’t exist without the other pack member.  We see this a lot in the dog training and veterinary world.  At least in the dog training world we can work to get dogs separated and acclimated to being alone and solo for training and spending time with their owners.

In the veterinary world we see the entire miserable part of this equation when one dog dies and the other dog is left alone without any acclimation.  Dogs can and do suffer from severe depression when they have lost a loved one, especially when it was another dog from their pack.

Please do your dogs a favor and give them separate one on one time throughout their lives.  Give them independent training and bonding time with you.  It is best for everyone’s mental health to have some moments to be autonomous.

Positive Reinforcement

  Remember your puppy needs positive reinforcement, conditioning and guidance in order to learn what you like and how your dog’s behavior relates in certain situations.

So often we are quick to tell our puppies when they are doing something wrong and so few people do the opposite and tell their puppies when they are doing something right.

Imagine starting a new job, in a new country where you don’t speak the language and only getting yelled at and corrected when you do something that they deem “wrong” even if it is something you think is “good”.  It would be super frustrating.

I want to know I am doing the right thing and doing a good job in order to excel in my work.

Treat your puppy the same.  Reward him with wonderful, yummy treats for not pouncing you other pet, cat or dog.  Reward him with treats for keeping four on the floor and not jumping on you.  Reward him with treats for sitting and laying down even if he is doing so on his own terms.  Reward him with treats for all good choices that you like and you will end up with a dog that has a clear and concise picture of what behaviors you like and what behaviors you don’t like.

Most dogs are people pleasers and want to do what you want, but there should be a good pay out and clear and consistent terms that they can understand.

If you are getting a puppy, I strongly suggest that you follow this guide.  Even if things go as planned and both pup and adult dog get along well it is critical to build a strong foundation where you are conditioning good behaviors and doing positive reinforcement.

After all, positive reinforcement and conditioning good behaviors will build a strong and loyal canine companion for a lifetime.

Get started clicker training!  The Clik-R is great because you can put it on your finger so it frees up your hands!

The post Introducing Your New Puppy To Your Older Dog appeared first on TheDogTrainingSecret.com.

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[icantw84it]

Acquired Savant or TBI leading to Talents

Who is icantw84it and how did he come about…….

Hello,  My name is Scott Mele.  I was in a wreck 3.5 years ago.  I was hit at 70mph from behind which split my head open and gave me a concussion that went untreated.  No scans were made at the hospital I was sent home after 5 hours of waiting in the ER to get 11 staples.    Best part, prior to the wreck I couldn’t Draw or Paint but after I could paint Portraits and even Spray paint murals.

Before all of that, I met the woman of my dreams.  Unlike anything I ever felt for anyone, instantly I was taken by her, and she felt the same. TBH she was actually on her way to get the last of her things and move back to WV, when we met.  We were together for about a month…she need to go back home to get somethings from West Virginia. Where her mom and friends lived.   She had so much anxiety from trying to leave she couldn’t make herself leave.  She called me on the day of my wreck, prior to…. to let me know she wasn’t coming back…..Trust me no one ever says they want to live in WV. Jk I am sure its beautiful.

It was pouring down rain and I shouldn’t have left.  I was driving slow like everyone else, but it was coming down so hard.   My car instantly turned side ways, and just like that, I was facing the wall.  Now, I had been driving rear wheel vehicles my whole life.  This had never happened, not instantly!   I gained control of the vehicle but it stalled out.  Everyone stopped.  I looked to make sure behind me.  I didn’t hit anyone Thank god!  I put it in gear and hit the start button.  Bang!  

About a mile back at the exact same time, a guy swerved 4 lanes of traffic at 70 mph and saw the last lane was stopped swerved back lost control and like a missile shot into my car.

Brooke, that’s her name, she drove 5 hours to come take care of me.  She spent 2 weeks with me and then had to leave to go back to work.  At this point I had not really noticed anything.   Two weeks later she was coming back to be with me for a few days, then head back to WV to get the rest of her things.  She came back stayed for one night and left for WV.  That’s right, she did it again.  I was devastated.

I am not sure if it was this moment or the wreck or both.   But from here I can feel myself splitting in two.  I woke up one day and it was like I didn’t associate with anything in my life……. “Why am I staying in this luxury apartment.”  “Why are my bills ridiculous?” ” I don’t want to work with these people or even be associated.”  I was a car sales manager and a very successful one.  I didn’t want this life.  I felt trapt and alone.  I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. Which made me feel even more trapt and alone.  Everyday I would disassociate myself with another part of my life.  I use to work out twice a day.  I LOVED IT!  I remember saying I don’t want to waste my time with that. I was a douchebag.   Maybe part of me still is mostly in part from the intense feeling of not wanting to be alone and doing what I had to, to feel someone next to me.  I wasn’t ugly and I was a great salesman.  A very avid Online Dater and was always keen on finding niches and solutions to problems.  So I milked an online website for as many dates as I could until I got tired of one night stands.  But I digress….

I had so much anxiety from being in my life that I had to find a way to express myself. One day while in Marshalls(Popular Home crafts store) with my kids, I bought $400 worth of art supplies.  That Night I started Painting.  Granted, before this I couldn’t draw or paint.  My dad painted Bob Ross style when i was a kid but I hated it.  I would run when the show came on. I did take 4 years of art when I was in HS but everyone did.  I hated everything I drew.  I think I even have a drawing book from back then which I am embarrassed over.   I doodled in Highschool because I had ADD and that’s what I did.  It helped me pass because I believe it kept my brain active while I digested part of what was being taught.   

Anyways, When I finished my first painting that night…..It was the first time in 4 months where I felt like I recognized a part of me.  Something clicked for the first time.  I became hooked, and started painting everynight from 9pm-4am in the morning and going back to work at 9am in the morning.  I did this for 9 months.So not only was I splitting in two feeling depressed, alone, confused as to who I was, Anxiety from being trapt in my life, heart broken, angry , Disassociated, and drew away from being with people, I also added lack of proper sleep to the list.

So, I wasn’t painting like someone who just started painting. I was painting bodys and forms expressing emotions. However, I needed a challenge and I started painting Portraits. About 6 months in, I got bored of pumping paintings out every night start to finish. . My small canvas was 48in by 24in.  Which is larger than scale.  Not only could I paint portraits I could draw them. Where as before I couldn’t draw something that looked appealing by any means. When I did my first Portrait with flesh tones I nailed it.   Something happened during the wreck its like I took on an artists life.  I don’t even know what I am doing when i am doing it. I just do it and if I mess up I bounce off it instinctively like I had always done it.   

The painting was the only thing keeping me somewhat functional.  I needed it like it was a drug.  I eventually found a way to leave my job and do art full time.  Which was beyond dumb, but I couldn’t keep my focus in the dealership while I was there and I was losing positions like soccer player in the world cup who cant stop fighting.   I wanted out.  So I found a way out.  

I was surviving on my art alone for a good 6 months…Until I got into another wreck.  Same hit from behind at 20mph faster than what I was going.  My body locked up and I stopped working out so I was 15lbs lighter.  I through one of my hips out of whack by 3/4 inch.  My muscles were inflamed all around it and were hard as rocks 24 hours a day.  I was passing out every 4 hours.  I had no insurance and no money.   I couldn’t work a regular job.  I became even more depressed.  I couldn’t keep my apartment that was feeding me all my commissions.  I had to leave Raleigh NC, my hot spot.  This is where it gets real dark. I remember feeling so lost and calculating the amount of time I had left and what I could do to stay.  Before this I never worried about money. I was alone without help.  No one really knew what was going on with me. I didn’t go to a doctor for my brain injury.  I still haven’t.   I was afraid I would lose my ability to paint.  IDK   So no one really took my accident seriously because I never talked about it.  The only people who knew were my fans on instagram. I lost the one thing that was keeping me sane.  My ability to do art whenever I wanted.  I moved to a smaller town and attempted to make it there.  At this point my credit was garbage, i had to leave my apartment so I couldn’t get a place of my own.  I found a house with two bedrooms and I converted one of the rooms into a paint room.  But without constant conversations about my art it didn’t matter.I was behind on my child support.  I was even told that I needed to come up with $800 by next month or I was going to jail.  Even though I was passing out every 4 hours.  I lost everything and I could barely keep myself fed.  

I started making calls to break Timeshare contracts over the phone.  This saved me financially while the leads were good.  Then I went on the road to do it in person in different cities.  The hours were easy and predictable so I could work around them.  

I finally got help from a pain specialist.  She looked at me and knew exactly whats wrong with me.  She fixed about 90% of me.  I still have some lingering issues like fatigue and exhaustion after extreme exertion in short bursts.  All things I can hopefully fix.  So back to painting…..

So great i can paint portraits who cares.  Two years after the wreck during the time I was breaking Timeshares, I got bored with portraits and needed a challenge again.  I picked up a spray can, mind you I never liked graffiti or even cared for it. I thought murals were pretty but never even really noticed. I never even drew a  graffiti piece.   I picked up a can and did a graffiti piece on the side of a building that said for lease.  4 colors blended with a bubble and not bad at all using cheap spray paints from walmart.  Then a 8 ft tall crushed coke can.  nailed it.  Then a guy drove by and asked me to do something for him in his gym.  I sprayed a 10ft by 30ft Graffiti piece that said The Dungeon, for his gym where he had 40 people work out in front of on the daily.   Huge for someone just starting out.  but nailed it.   By this time I had been spraying for  a total of 10 days.  I told the building owner that I was ready to paint my mural.  He asked, ” have you ever done one before?”   No, but I got this!

In 10 days I spray painted a 50ft by 50 ft tall mural on the side of a building.This was the first time I painted about Brooke and the wreck….Honestly I picked some photos of random things built up a story in my head and painted it.  When I was done I realized it was Brooke and I painted about where I met her and overcoming adversity by using Koi fish. Which before I researched it I had no clue that’s what it meant. 

Subconsciously, I was telling myself to get over it I guess.    It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt like a big piece of me was healed.  For the first time I was able to think about Brooke without feeling extreme emotions…  I felt I was going to be able to paint murals for my living but realized that my location, bills, timing, were all working against me.  I had to make a choice to support myself and make myself not feel like I was going to be homeless everyday, or continue fighting for something that I wasn’t sure I could do for very long without any support.  After almost being homeless 3 times during this period I decided to go back to car sales.  

Today I sit in a car dealership and I bite my tongue about the leads and the traffic and opportunities and remain grateful I have a job. After a year of not painting I finally picked a model on instagram to paint and have been painting her on a 89in by 72 in Canvas.   I can only give 2 hours at a time to it.  And I haven’t lost any of my ability to paint.  I can’t commit to it like I did because that would mean going back down that rabbit hole

I fought so hard to get out of.  But I give what I can to it and then try to appease the other side of me by sustaining my lame but stable Car salesman position in a small dealership.  I say this because of my other sides I have ruined my opportunities in other dealerships by wanting more power, control, leads because of my previous experience and knowing I can do more and make more if I had those things. 

To the best of my knowledge its like having a revolving glass door of personality  strengths, and depending on the situation and what I am doing that side is more prominent and in control or acting and making decisions: 

One side of me is a salesman, a damn good salesman that thrives on Power and Control and financial gain.

Another side of me is the Artist that is Content with just being alone and Creative.  Getting lost in my work and not being social.  Still desiring the need to see people but not really wanting to be a part of a group.

The last side is the side of me that wants to do nothing but loathe on my self pity and depression, play video games to distract myself and not accomplish anything.  He can’t remember to do things.  Constantly distracted worthless in almost every way to the other two sides of me. I think collectively we all hate him even he hates him.  Which I have identified and am trying to change. 

No, I don’t black out when one side takes over.  So maybe its not Multiple Personalities.  Yes, I remember everything. All I know is that its confusing when I try to decide who I am and what I want to do for the rest of my life because its a constant tug of war.  When I am selling I want to be with people and spend money, find girls I want to succeed and have control.  When I am painting I want to be alone and lost in my art for ever not caring about anything else.  When I am not doing either of those and not on adderall, I want to play video games and be left alone dwelling on my life and what I lost.

By writing that I understand that I haven’t made much progress. But to be honest and for you to see the full spectrum of things I had to say it.  I take adderall because I hate being him.  I had been taking adderall before the wreck so those two personality conflicts were preexisting.   I remember calling him the other guy.  Or I would mention that the Other guy would leave adderall lying around the apartment in different places each time.  And while I am working on a painting and get stumped or frustrated with my thought process I would sigh and as I am exhaling I would be in plain view of an adderall that the other guy left for me.  Genius!  lol   

Anyways.  This is a detailed snippet of my last three years after my wreck.  Outside of hating myself the only other thing all three of me share, is the desire to want to find someone that understands me and to be with.  

I think we all want to get my story out now, and find a way to make it known.  Its inspiring for some reason. I don’t know why, but I do love when people feel inspired to do something they have been afraid to do. Or to take another shot at life.

Has my experience been for the better.  I don’t know it depends on who you ask of the three.  I did gain the ability to paint  and pick up styles of art I haven’t been exposed to over night.  

Why did I write this…..I figured it would help someone in their research, maybe it will lead to shedding some light on my situation, help me in some way.  IDK, but I find that every time I tell my story it helps with my anxiety.   

Thank you for reading.

Sorry if it was all over the place. My grammar is horrible and I haven’t really had a chance to sit down and proof this, so again…. I apologize.

-icantw84it

This is a link to my art.

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[lofidiaries-blog]

STUMBLR - USE YR CONFUSION

Here’s a lo-fi strum with some brio, recorded spontaneously and quickly dissected and strengthened architecturally by Courtney, who has a fine ear and excels at producing music. She knows what sounds good and what doesn’t and she helped me turn an old song that had been kicking around for eighteen months into a real song, lo-fi as it is. This isn’t the final mix, as I think I’m still going to edit some of the vocals (I have two takes to choose from on top of the guitar, of which I have just the one take): https://soundcloud.com/user-895154951/sir-surrenderz

This record was initially going to be 15 songs, taken from a batch I wrote in May during a difficult period of depression and anxiety and insomnia. But since last week, which is when I get Joe’s amp and Telecaster into my room, the record has ballooned care of some spur-of-the-moment recordings, ironically using old songs. “Sir Surrender” was a demo recorded in autumn 2013 when I was living in Guelph. It lived on my iPod (not iPhone, kids...iPod) for a few years until I started digging through the old demos one night last summer. I was homeless last August (and last November...and this past February) and sleeping at Stone’s Place, a bar I worked at on weekends and on Thursdays for a full day maintenance shift. I slept there at least twenty times, on one of the ratty old couches that have been there since the place opened in 2000. Thankfully I didn’t pick up scabies or bed bugs, but I did pick up some new song ideas from a trash heap of old forgotten tunes.

So I’m pleased that one of them has made this imminent Stumblr record, under the silly title “Sir Surrender.” Another old one is “Engine Adored,” recorded just yesterday but written at my friend Tanya’s house in April 2016 while I was staying there for the month. I paid rent, but it was cheap, and I spent a lot of time busking and hustling (I watched My Own Private Idaho twice that month, though I should make it clear that there is nothing romantic about sex work. The first woman I had to kiss was so unbelievably disgusting that I almost didn’t think she was real. I thought maybe she’d staggered out of a Roald Dahl book, one of his matronly lumpy villainettes, like the angry principal in Matilda, one of the Witches, the grumpy grandmother in George’s Marvelous Medicine, or maybe even that hateful hag from The Twits:

I don’t mean to sound like a shallow motherfucker, but it was difficult for me to perform my duty that night. The woman had been drinking and tasted like rotten whiskey and regaled me with long boring stories about her time as a meth addict. Well, hustlers can’t be choosers, I figured, so I went with it and earned my money. You gotta do whatcha gotta do. After all, a woman who has to pay for sex is not going to be pretty. Indeed, my client was about as far from that sexy vixen from Seinfeld and Twin Peaks who picks up River Phoenix as one can get. But hey, I got a song out of it. “Engine Adored,” that is, a lightning-quick, get-in-and-get-out strummer, reminiscent of a record I made with my other (old?) band called Might Minutes, a long one that went wherever it wanted to, sometimes heading to the shores to surf, other times cruising a poppy melody down the middle of the road. 

Might Minutes has 19 songs on it, falling just shy of seeming like a mammoth record. An album with 20 songs seems like a serious commitment. One can get cold feet well before pressing play, whilst blowing bubbles and scanning the track listing. And I knew MM was a special record, the last great record of our early era, the first five years (like Stalin’s infamous Five Year Plans, I measure my other (old?) band in five year increments. We are currently in our third five year segment, having started as a band on July 1 2005, and have little to show for it but a few wretched albums that I would never have lent my name to in the old days. In the old days, very few of those songs would have made it past quality control. But now, distracted by life, distracted by love and the lack thereof, I’ve been releasing records like High Hopes and Almost Awake, hoping vainly that titular alliteration might distract our few faithful listeners from the banality of the music. Comfortable or no, a rut is a rut.

So here’s hoping that this project lights a fire under my ass. I’m not just using Stumblr as a way of kickstarting the zeal I once burned with for my other (old?) band. No, this is a project I take very seriously. But it doesn’t have the freight of history barreling behind it like my other group. And something about that rushing freight comforts me. I was more comfortable releasing somewhat half-assed records like High Hopes and Almost Awake because I knew there was a solid foundation of great releases for those lesser albums to stand on, like a great stone mansion garnished with garish, birdshit green vinyl shutters purchased hurriedly at Home Depot under bad lighting, so that purple looked blue and green looked grey. Valor Specialty Products supplies Home Depot with vinyl shutters nationwide. Valor also serves Lowes, Home Depot’s direct competitor. If HD ever found out that Valor was supplying Lowes as well, they would shitcan Valor so fast you’d hear the bang from here (Valor is located in the barrens between Brampton and Missisauga, Courtneypark and some other bullshit boulevard). I know this because I worked at Valor for a few miserable years. Back then I’d race home to Orangeville in my white van and record music until night fell, tracking old songs like “Waiting” and “Bicycle Man” and “Tell Me His Name” and “I’m Home” and a long-lost b-side called “November Man” that I burned onto CD directly after mixing and speed off to James’ house to play it for him (this was the era of MSN Messenger though, so I easily could have just saved the song as an mp3 rather than a wav and sent it to James online rather than burning it to CD and driving down to deliver it, like an old man printing off chain letter email jokes and handing them, like delicate prizes, to his kids during the Christmas holidays.

I ran, sweating, to James’ bedroom, dragging his tortoise-like torso along with me, for James was a slow moving vehicle in those days, not like now with his careful, mechanical discipline evidenced by his weary, resigned devotion to his job. I put the CD into his computer’s drive and found WinAmp (I miss WinAmp almost as much as I miss MSN Messenger...alas, when I first saw that Facebook chat window back in January 2009, I knew MSN was doomed) and played James the song at a deafening loud decibel level. He nodded carefully, digging it, snickering a bit at the excessive feedback I’d gone into for the outro. 

“Well?” I panted, eager for praise. “Whaddaya think?” A measured pause. “Sounds like Collective Soul.”

I was preparing myself for a long, bitter argument in which past instances of bonding and friendship were revealed fraudulent when I realized something important: He was dead right. I’d taken the vocal melody from a Collective Soul song. And not just a few syllables, no. I’d taken the entire phrase, note for note.

Fuck.

There went “November Man,” into the shitcan so loud that people in Mississauga, especially ones working in warehouses in and around Valor Specialty Products on Courtneypark and Whateverthefuckitscalled, heard it and nodded their heads, order having been restored to the universe. You don’t rip off 90s rock bands, especially Xtian ones.

But hey, I always liked the title. So now, twelve years later, ladies and gentlemen and those who identify otherwise, I give you “November Man.” You’ll hear it when it’s done, hopefully before August.

There’s also a track called “Never An Unkind Forever,” a homage in name only, not sound, as my sonic garden lacks the bulldozers to make such noise as the man who hung himself in a Detroit hotel room once did. Detroit Suicide City is a title I was mulling over for a while too. So we’ll see.

David is coming to do vocals tomorrow at 430PM. I’ve got a work function to attend from 1PM to 4PM, meaning I should be up and at ‘em by 11AM, since I’ve got to get to the clinic first and I don’t have transit money right now (broke til Friday...story of my life). After work I’m going to race home and lock Contin in my bedroom until at least midnight, hoping to get him to do a few rounds of almost every song on this record. A few of them don’t even have lyrics or an established melody yet, so I’m thinking tomorrow will be rich in collaboration. Wednesday morning will be spent mixing, and Thursday through the weekend will be spent tracking piano and keyboards and, finally, mixing. I hope to have a fairly solid batch of close-to-final mixes by this time next week. I just have to remember to edit the drums in some of the songs. “Minerals” has a pre-chorus I need to pay more attention to, and “Lemonade V Gatorade” has some fills I need to fix.

Stumblr. Use Yr Confusion. LG61 Side Eh 01 Bloviator 02 Lemonade V Gatorade 03 Demons & Dolls 04 Black Tie Affair 05 Sincerely 06 Stadium Room Only 07 Engine Adored 08 Kings of Queendom 09 I Threw It All Away Side Be 10 Kill Yr Parents 11 November Man 12 Me Online 13 Come What May 14 The Air Up There 15 Long Way Back 16 Sir Surrender 17 Minerals 18 Never An Unkind Forever 19 One Straight Line

Might add one more, we’ll see, make ‘er a 20er.

Using Audacity this time around has proved very fruitful and fun. Last December I couldn’t be bothered to learn how to use it properly, so I tried to track vox into Audacity, then transfer the takes into Cool Edit on a different laptop via flashdrive. All that instead of just learn the (extremely user friendly) audio software. I remained faithful to Cool Edit for a good ten years, but all good things must come to an end. Having finally learned how to use this program, I feel confident that I will be finally able to finish the BCN record I’ve been unable to finish for the past year and a half. So, while I have Joe’s amazing amplifier in my possession, and once I get a bass to borrow, I will be tracking bass for all the BCN songs that have not yet been completed for our long awaited, mammoth double album, whose title I’ve been welching on for some time now. It was Keep It Beautiful for a long time until I jettisoned that one for Better Days Are A Toenail Away, a great title but also the title of a song, and while it would be very BCN (not to mention GBV) of me to name an album after a song and then not put that song on the album but a subsequent album, I still feel weird about it.

Anyway, here’s the track listing for my other (old? former?) band’s upcoming double album, which will be finished and released regardless of our status as an active working unit.

Guy I Know

Basement Nights

Hibernating

Expert Advice

Fighting Ways

Time Passed Endeavors

Nervous Man

Cocations (or Cocaine Locations)

Faces & Interfaces

Ride the Rocket

How To Build A House You Won’t Hate

Sad Shitty Supermarket Holds Senior Citizen Day

If It Kills You

Ocean City

Sittin Down

Monday Fucking Monday

Bird of Bees

Suckin Down Bags

Warmer Water

Battle Crying

Please Don’t Die

Hey Thirsty!

Laundry Days

Ocean City (Bistro Abortion Version)

Like A Tower

Happy Faces

Murray Had A Birthday

Phanta

Travel Information?

The Pizza Years

Basement Nights Again (Sans Brocals)