#hopefully a lot of this doesn't end up as lost media

[kaisertheadvisor]

Alright, time for some obscure Persona 3 history. I was browsing the old Japanese Persona 3 website, when I stumbled across something interesting. This is what it looks like normally (Vanilla P3 specifically)

But on certain captures of this website on the Wayback Machine, it was set to midnight (JST). The website was coded to have a special easter egg that goes off around that time, as the Dark Hour clock appears...

And then the site is now in the Dark Hour.

Click on the Akihiko, Mitsuru, Fuuka, and Junpei, and cause them to disappear, and Yukari will start to glow.

And you will have unlocked a secret section of the Japanese website! This mostly contained diary entries on various perspectives regarding the Dark Hour (on one section, there even was text regarding Strega's revenge request site), but there also were some secret downloads, namely a supposedly early version of a Persona 3 commercial (which Google translate says it was rejected by a TV station for containing subliminal content?), MP3 downloads, a video showcasing the P3 girls in maid costumes in Tartarus, and a message from Elizabeth to the player (which acted as a tease towards the new Elizabeth requests being added in FES). I have the latest capture of the secret section of the website, as well as a capture of the website during the Dark Hour so you can try this for yourself! (You'll need Ruffle for this)

Speaking of the Persona 3 website, let's go over some of the evolution of the P3 website! Here's the original version of the website when Persona 3 was first announced.

It was updated from P3's initial announcement in March towards May when the newer website was launched, last major update was Fuuka Yamagishi's character profile. Here's a Wayback Machine link for you to try it out yourself.

Here is the website around the time they were teasing FES. Makoto is replaced with Aigis, and there was a section containing audio messages from the developers that would help tease FES. (So far, they are lost media? Hopefully some fan manages to recover them)

And here is the FES version of the website, with both the normal and Dark Hour variations. (Metis replaces Yukari on the Dark Hour variation of the website, though I cannot access the secret section, probably because the silly toaster is blocking the way)

And just for funzies, I thought I'd include this link regarding P3 ads in this blogpost on the old AtlusNet. Hopefully somebody will get high quality scans of the magazine ads and promos used to promote P3 in both Japanese and English.

Now to wonder, what other crazy P3 promotional stunts did Atlus do? I know there was a countdown on the Atlus USA website that counted down the days until the release information on FES would be provided to the world, and I'm well aware of various Japanese gaming magazines that had various info on P3 (that so far only exist as JPEGS on the old Digital Devil Database and other websites), but man, I wanna know more. The fans should be archiving a lot of this stuff. Reload has re-triggered my Persona 3 phase, and I want to know more secrets about the game. I honestly think there's a lot of cool things waiting for us down the line...

[drysaladandketchup]

for the "things you said" writing meme -- matthew/leon, 12 :)

Thank you for the request <3 I realised very quickly I have no idea what constitutes a 'mini' fic. I struggle to write 'mini' anything lol. Hopefully this still satisfies :)

12. things you said when you thought i was asleep

It takes all of Matthew's willpower not to reach over and smash his phone just to shut off the alarm. All that saves his wallet and an awkward trip to the Apple store is the split-second realisation that the shrieking in his ear isn't his usual alarm.

It's a ringtone. Not his own, either.

He pries his eyes open to find the world through the window is still dark. One of the balcony doors is still ajar, letting in a cool night breeze. He's lying on his side in his own bed, the end of the all-star weekend memorialized by several aches and bruises.

His hips and ass are a little sore too, but that's unrelated. Technically.

The ringing stops. Someone huffs behind him.

Someone. Yeah, no, Matthew knows who it is. They may have met up at the bar once the media was done swarming, but Matthew was far from drunk. Painfully sober, in fact. If he's being honest with himself, he was hoping things would turn out this way.

One more time. One more moment. Because it's been a long time since they were them. Longer still since the sex was just sex, since hate became want. Matthew is strong in a lot of ways, but not against this.

"Davo." Leon's voice is low, and still gruff from sleep when he answers his phone. He sits up on his side of the bed, trying not to disturb Matthew, pulling the covers back up over Matthew's shoulder like he thinks he'll freeze to death in this balmy Florida winter.

Usually Matthew's a heavy sleeper. But never when Leon's around. He makes it impossible for Matthew to completely relax, to let time slip by. Leon's just too big of a presence, almost too much to bear. It was more important that everything linger, to bask in the strange comfort of their relationship, whatever it was. They had so little time. Even less, now.

"I know it's late. No, no, I'm not at the hotel. I'm... I'm with Tkachuk."

Leon says his last name like it's wrong, like it's rotting on his tongue.

When he corrects himself, says, "Matthew", it's better, lighter. Like it's ambrosia.

Matthew remembers when Leon Draisaitl saying his name wouldn't have meant a damn thing to him. When that simple act didn't fill him with fondness.

In the silence, Matthew can hear McDavid talking on the other end, but can't quite make out what he's saying. Matthew tucks up under the duvet, breathing quiet and even, trying to focus instead on the distant sound of waves and the ticking clock on his wall.

Ticking. Always ticking. Time bleeds out when they're together.

He doesn't even remember falling asleep last night, but he wishes he hadn't now. He wishes he'd stayed awake longer, just to... just to see him. To look Leon in the eye, to talk about everything and nothing until dawn, to feel big, too-warm hands on his body more and more and more. He wants to make sure he'll remember how Leon feels, sounds, tastes.

"Connor," Leon says, a warning, followed by a sigh. "I know. I know, okay? It was stupid, but..."

Maybe it was. Matthew has a good thing here in Florida. Better than ever. He was happy to leave Alberta behind and start over. So why did leaving make him feel like a coward?

Because leaving was about Calgary, and the Flames. About his career and his future. It wasn't about Leon. Leon was the wrench in the gears; the one thing he didn't expect to have to say goodbye to, the kind of hurt he never could have accounted for.

"I needed to see him." Leon sounds helpless. He's not the only one.

The only time he's heard Leon so lost was after his team was knocked out of the playoffs last season. The Oilers meant nothing--Matthew was pretty fucking glad considering they'd beat out the Flames--but he never wanted to hear Leon like that again.

He definitely never wanted to be the cause of it. Not like this.

Leon is still mumbling into his phone. "Yeah, I'm fine. He's... we're good. He's happy."

A hand settles on Matthew's head. Fingers play with his curls, nails scratch his scalp. A thumb presses just behind Matthew's ear, stroking the soft skin where only hours before Leon had put his lips, whispering sweetness and filth in equal measure.

It takes everything for Matthew not to groan, to whimper and surrender, roll over and climb on top of Leon and take all over again. Beg him to take something--everything--from Matthew.

"I don't know," Leon says then.

It's easy to guess what McDavid asked.

He's happy. But are you?

"I can't even tell him I still love him."

Still. Matthew didn't even know there was a before, let alone a still. Leon never said anything. Fuck, if Matthew wasn't busy trying to remember how to breathe, he'd roll over and punch him.

Then again, what did Matthew ever say? They never talked about it. Never let those closet hook-ups and slipping out back doors and little drinks and dinners and overnights excused as practical necessity be anything more than that. A bunch of chirps and half-truths and aborted discussions because it was all becoming too much. There was too much uncertainty. Too many ways it could go wrong.

It did go wrong. It became something. It became real.

Maybe that would have changed something. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything at all. It doesn't matter now. Matthew left, and neither of them said a word about things like love, because it was easier to hope it would shrivel and die with distance and time.

"I know I'm being stupid." Leon pauses when McDavid interrupts, then huffs. "No, I am. Fuck, I really thought I'd get over it. Maybe I will. Eventually."

Don't you fucking dare, you piece of shit, Matthew wants to scream.

"Not sure I can, though." Leon swallows so loud Matthew can hear it. Then quieter, like he's not sure he's even allowed to admit it, he says, "I don't really want to."

He's still playing with Matthew's hair, occasionally dragging a finger over his bare shoulder or down his back, tracing imaginary lines across Matthew's flesh. Like he's something to be memorized and cherished.

They're both so fucking stupid. Matthew bites his lip and tries not to choke on the lump in his throat. Could be his heart, climbing right up and out of his mouth. He clings to the sheets with shaking hands.

"I'm not going to fuck up what he's got here," Leon says tiredly, voice thick with tension and pathetic resignation.

Leon's not here to drag him back. He wouldn't do that. So why is he here? Just to torture them both? Being with him doesn't feel like torture. It feels like winning. It feels like defiance and decadence and too much and not enough. It feels like what could have been and what could still be.

He didn't find Leon at that bar and bring him home out of pity, or nostalgia, one last fuck for old times sake. It was... it just was. Not an ending. Not some final goodbye. Proof maybe there could still be something. Getting over it was never an option, Matthew knew that well before he stepped onto the ice as a Panther and found himself staring Leon down all over again.

Matthew's vision is blurring. His eyes sting, warm and wet. There's blood pounding in his ears, and a hand clutching his heart, a vice around his lungs. He hardly remembers how to breathe.

He doesn't catch the rest of Leon's conversation, except something about meeting Connor back at the hotel tomorrow. Meaning he's staying the night, at least. He's staying.

When Leon hangs up the phone, Matthew finally comes up for air. He relaxes his shoulders, listening to the soft thump as Leon taps his phone against his forehead over and over. Then it clatters on the side table. Leon sighs, sniffs, and sinks back under the covers. He tucks right up against Matthew's back, still burning like a furnace, soft muscle and skin brushing Matthew's spine in all the right ways.

He throws an arm around Matthew and finds one of his hands, worming his fingers through the gaps to hold it. His palm is sweaty, not that it matters at all to Matthew. He can't help squeezing Leon's hand a little, but if Leon notices, he doesn't say a word.

Not until he's wrapped tight around Matthew, near suffocating, like any part of them that isn't touching is a sin.

"Love you," Leon mumbles, barely more than a whisper, pressing his lips right to the base of Matthew's neck. Matthew's body can't seem to decide whether to shiver or melt under the heat.

Leon says it like it's inevitable. Painful. Pitiful.

What he's saying is, I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't say it before. I'm sorry I don't know how to say it now. I'm sorry it's too late, it's the wrong place, the wrong time.

Like he doesn't think Matthew could ever understand. And that's the worst part of it all. They're still not on the same page. Tearing down what they never built.

If Leon's only brave enough to say it when Matthew's asleep, then Matthew will just have to be brave enough to say it in the light of day. He doesn't run, and he won't now that he knows he doesn't have to.

He stares into the night outside his window, listening to Leon breathe, feeling his heart beat through Matthew's chest like that's where it longs to be.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe they can stop chasing time long enough to make the most of what they have. To make up for what they've wasted. And whatever happens after, well, maybe they can stop being afraid of that, too.

[terabyteturtle]

hey!!! Can I have Jin Kazama x Pregnant wife (who happens to be a model) Reader headcanons. An idea I have is what if they have to keep the pregnancy a secret from Kazuya due to a fear of harm??? Make it fluff with a bit of angst

Jin Kazama x Pregnant Model Wife Headcanons

Once again, I apologize for taking so long! I tried my best to encapsulate everything you put in the request. Hopefully, it's what you wanted!

- It takes him a while to process the fact that you're pregnant. When you first break the news to him, he's just in shock. He experiences so many emotions at once that his mind just stops working. You better have a chair ready because Jin will need to sit down and process everything for a few moments.

- Once it sets in, he becomes angry with himself. He took every precaution to prevent this from happening, and yet somehow, it still did. It's his fault. It has to be. Jin blames himself for burdening you with a child potentially capable of mass destruction, and although he's tried to separate you from his family feud, you're bound to get dragged into it anyway, and it's all because of him.

- The fact that you're a model only makes matters worse. You already get a ton of publicity and exposure on a daily basis, but now that you're pregnant, that'll increase tenfold. With help from Lee and Lars, you and Jin have managed to keep both your relationship AND your marriage a secret so far. However, with a child on the way, it'll be impossible to keep that secret any longer. People will ask questions about the father's identity, and it's only a matter of time before the paparazzi find out the truth.

- Upon realizing this, Jin launches into full-on panic mode. As soon as he's revealed as the father of your child, his face is going to be all over the media. And Kazuya will be the first one to see it. Jin isn't entirely sure what his father would do, but he has his suspicions. He can only imagine the sheer horror of G Corp soldiers busting down your door, hunting you down like hound dogs trying to take you and the kid. If those suspicions are correct, then you'll likely be forced into hiding until the war is over. As long as Kazuya retains his powerful position, there's no telling how much danger you'll be in.

- Additionally, the people closest to him are sure to freak out. Xiaoyu and Hwoarang would panic, and he already knows Lars won't take kindly to it. He's not sure how Lee or Alisa would react, and that uncertainty only makes him more nervous. Jin knows that he should tell his loved ones before they find out through the media, but the mere thought of mentioning it makes his heart skip a beat.

- To top it all off, Jin's main mission is to exterminate his bloodline once and for all. The fact that you are now pregnant is pretty much the opposite of what he wanted.

- His course of action was to take Kazuya's life, then take his own. He was ready to sacrifice himself so that the Devil Gene would no longer exist. As much as he loved the people closest to him, as much as he adored and cherished every moment with you, he knew deep down that the world would be better off without people like him.

- But now, this complicates everything. He doesn't want to take his own life and leave you to raise the kid by yourself. Sure, friends and loved ones might help you out, but at the end of the day, you're going to have a lot of responsibility on your hands. Additionally, Jin knows how it feels to have grown up without a proper father figure, and he'd seen how difficult it was for his mother. He knows how it feels to have lost a parent, and no matter how much time passes, it will always hurt. Does he really want his child to witness those same struggles? To feel the same pain? Does he really want to leave you behind, after everything you've been through?

- Beneath that cold, edgy exterior, there's a soft spot in his heart that truly wants to settle down with you, but he doesn't believe it'll be possible.

- As he tries to solve his dilemma, a million questions race through his mind. Like, what if the kid has the Devil Gene? Will he have to kill his own child? But it's not just his child; it's your child too, and he can't bear to imagine the pain you'd feel if that were to happen.

- But then, what if the kid doesn't have the Devil Gene? What if they turn out to be a normal kid? In that case, he'd care for them and love them until the end.

- But that's when a thought strikes him.

- Why does it matter whether they have the Devil Gene or not? They're still human, after all. They still deserve love and compassion and nurturing. Just because they have the Devil Gene doesn't mean they're inherently evil; they still deserve a chance. Hell, Jin himself has it, and although he's done some terrible things, he's trying his hardest to atone for them.

- Maybe Jin could help teach them how to control it. Not that he really has control over it himself, but that's okay. Maybe they could learn together. Maybe that could be their way to bond.

- That's when he starts to realize how happy this truly makes him. He loves you more than life itself, and the fact that he's going to have a child with you is one of the greatest blessings life can give him. Being a father will come with a lot of responsibility, but Jin is willing to bear it and do the best he can for his kid. He realizes that he is willing to undergo the trials and tribulations that loom ahead, and he will fight to the ends of the Earth to keep you both safe.

- Jin will try and convince you to take a break from modeling and lay low for a while, as any publicity will become more dangerous as time passes on. You think it would be suspicious to just drop off the face of the Earth, which is why you let your agency know beforehand that you're going to be taking a hiatus for personal matters.

- As the baby starts growing and it becomes progressively obvious that you're pregnant, you will be heavily discouraged from going outside at all. For the baby's safety as well as your own, it's best that you refrain from going out in public where the paparazzi are bound to catch you.

- Naturally, Jin becomes very protective over both of you. He starts treating you like a glass vase because he's scared of hurting you somehow. He also gets slightly paranoid around the others and sticks by your side to make sure nothing happens to you.

- He still blames himself a lot for everything that's happening, and he's sorry that you can't just have a normal pregnancy. You have to reassure him that no one's at fault for this, and you're just as willing to fight for the baby as he is. If you have to break away from your normal life to keep them safe, then so be it. It'll all be worth it in the end.

- With a lot of encouragement from you, Jin confides in his friends, starting with Lee, who is happy to help you guys out. As the CEO of a well-known company, he can try to pull some strings and get the press to leave you alone. While it's no guarantee that they'll be gone completely, Lee will try his best to hold them off for a little while. He'll also give you a secret place to stay, stocked with plenty of food and water.

- Lars almost freaks out but manages to keep himself composed. He congratulates both of you and agrees to help you out in whatever way possible. If there's anything you need, be it more food, more water, or just more paper towels, he and Alisa will go out shopping and get it for you.

- Alisa and Xiaoyu are super excited and happy for you. Although the circumstances are not ideal, they still want to make sure that you enjoy yourself and celebrate your pregnancy. In fact, they've already started planning your baby shower.

- Hwoarang also ends up being super supportive. Though he makes himself out to be a tough guy, he has a big soft spot for babies. Rest assured, he will fight tooth and nail to keep this kid safe. Also, Hwoarang has officially proclaimed himself the child's godfather, and there is nothing you or Jin can do about it.

- If Jin's stressed out, you let him lay down and press his ear to your belly. Listening to the baby and being physically close to you has become the most calming feeling in the world to him.

- If Jin doesn't know what to do in certain situations, he'll stop and ask himself what Jun would do. He loves his mother deeply and thinks very highly of her. She was a loving and nurturing woman, so when it comes to taking care of you, he tries his best to emulate that kindness. Jun was a wonderful parent, as well as an excellent role model. When the baby arrives and he officially becomes a parent, Jin deeply hopes he'll turn out to be half as good as she was.

- He will constantly ask you if there's something he can do better. From this point forward, Jin will always be questioning whether or not he's doing the right thing. Your input is valuable to him, and if there's any advice or guidance you have to give, he'd greatly appreciate it.

- At the end of the day, Jin wants to be the best father he can be. Your child's happiness, as well as your own, mean the world to him. No one can take either of you away from him, and Angel have mercy on those who dare try.

[technicolorfamiliar]

D O U B L E F E A T U R E !

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari Dir. Robert Weine 1920 // Orlacs Hände (The Hands of Orlac) Dir. Robert Wiene 1924

I recently watched both, Caligari specifically because I was invited on a friend's podcast to talk about the film (I was totally normal about it and definitely didn't make color coded note cards about the making of the movie… I did, I did make color coded note cards). So I figured I would lump these two in one post to switch things up.

--- Even though we talked about the movie for an hour and change, the conversation we recorded for the pod easily could have gone longer. There's so much to unpack about The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Between its historical, cinematic, artistic, and cultural significance and legacy, but also the various players on and off camera, not to mention the film's genesis from concept to page to screen -- there's no shortage of rabbit holes to go down.

Something I wish I had brought up during the recording was the score: The score matters! These updated silent film scores really do affect the viewer experience, and they're so often hit or miss. Of course, the original score for Caligari has been lost to time, but I read that the premier of in New York had classical music (Prokofiev, Stravinsky, etc) played along to the screening; part of me thinks this would be fun to try to recreate. I have no memory of the music when I first saw the film in 2009, but when I rewatched Caligari about a year ago, early in my Conrad Veidt journey, I chose a version on Internet Archive (which is, as of late October, sadly still out of commission *cries in nerd*) and the updated score was almost entirely minimal strings, which created a suitably eerie effect. I couldn't find that exact version elsewhere, so I this time opted for the 2014 restoration that's on Kanopy. The 2014 score is… fine. It’s very busy, trying too hard to sound like a traditional movie soundtrack. There's another version with a really painfully bad guitar-heavy score that I couldn't sit through even 5 minutes of, and still another that's entirely synths. Apparently the new 4K UHD/Blu-Ray that was just released has two new options for the score -- hopefully at least one of them doesn't totally suck!

I noticed deep into my third time viewing the film that I hadn't reached for my phone once. These days, I'll occasionally pick it up and mindlessly scroll through social media while watching a movie. But I think Caligari and a few other silent films require closer attention since they're a purely visual medium. I found myself greedily devouring every frame of Caligari. No shot or scene feels wasted. Honestly, I feel like every movie should be 90 minutes long or less. Anything longer should be turned into a miniseries. But in all seriousness, Caligari is another film I want to physically walk into. It would be pretty easy to recreate these sets, life size in grayscale black and white. The more I think about this, the more I need it. So, so bad.

I also came away this time with a lot of questions, mostly about the main part of the narrative, the story Franzis is telling. But the framing device makes the questions pointless. If the main story is just Franzis's delusion, then the absurdity of the script is totally fine I guess? Except the script that Hans Janowitz and Carl Mayer wrote didn't have Franzis as a patient at the asylum, they hated the framing story twist that was forced on their movie, so all those weird parts of the script and character choices that I'm overthinking and reading too much into are rendered meaningless. It's all in Franzis's head! The story and the characters in it don't matter! Or else are just part of his subconscious! Face palm. Eye roll.

Does the movie even work without the framing device? It would be interesting to show an edited version of the movie without the first and last scenes to someone who's never seen it. And if the twist ending was supposed to dumb down the anti-authoritarian message of the script, I don't know that it's successful. In the end, I still have empathy for Franzis. And we still have an ambiguous ending: Caligari/The Asylum Director looks at Mad Franzis and says, "I know just how to cure him," and there's a creepy iris wipe in on Werner Krauss's face that maybe leads us to think Franzis isn't as delusional as we think he is. So like… even if the whole Dr. Caligari with his sleepy twink in a box story is fake, whatever is happening at the asylum is probably just as messed up if not worse.

Speaking of the twink in a box, I love that Conrad Veidt's German Expressionism is totally different from Werner Krauss's German Expressionism. They both trained and performed with Max Reinhardt, so their foundations as theater actors in the 1910s and 1920s were likely similar. But, regardless or in spite of that shared experience, they are diametrically different human beings and that comes across in their performances in this movie. These two actors are like the textbook definition of "showing" your art vs. "being" your art. Krauss as Caligari is like "ooOOOoo look how ooky spooky and evil I am!", whereas Connie's performance as Cesare, even though it's hyper-stylized, is infused with something deeper, something primal that feels believable in the context of the film.

If Cesare has been asleep his whole life, waking only to be fed Chunky Campbell's Soup and commit murder at Caligari's bidding, then no wonder he reacts the way he does when sleeping Jane finally brings him out of his trance. When she freaks out, he freaks out too because he's had no opportunity to learn how to behave like a human or how to filter his primal emotions in a socially acceptable way. He hasn't lived his life except to be a madman's puppet. He reacts to Jane's panic on instinct and impulse, his desire and fear feel feral, like he's more creature or an animal than a human man. He may not actually want to hurt Jane, but he reacts violently because fight or flight is a basic human stress response! He runs away and eventually collapses because his body can't handle the sudden onslaught of stress and emotion he's never before experienced! And this internal, instinctual tendency to violence is subtly alluded to in the final scene when Asylum Cesare both caresses and slowly picks apart the flowers he's holding. Ahhhhh, I have so many FEELINGS.

And that said… Connie's performance here is wild, but it's real in a way that Werner Krauss's work could never be because Connie was a spiritual humanist who cared deeply for others and Krauss was an anti-semitic piece of shit who therefore could NEVER dig deep enough into his soul or into the collective unconscious the way Connie did to breathe life into his characters. So everything Krauss is doing here and in The Student of Prague is all surface, it's "showing" the audience his training and his actor toolbox rather than bringing a level of honesty and in-the-moment groundedness to these roles.

This is not to say Connie's intense commitment to his work couldn't be, uh, excessive. I really hope Lil Dagover was being serious when she said he would lurk around the studio in character when off camera. Can you imagine? You go up to the craft services table for a snack. Suddenly you feel like you're being watched. You look up and he's looming over you in the shadows, his unblinking glazed eyes boring into your soul. God, I hope this happened and I hope whoever it happened to peed themselves a little.

I also wish we had a behind the scenes photo of Connie in costume with the Cesare dummy. I can't believe someone actually had to make that prop. It'll haunt me forever. (The 1920 Cesare Dummy isn't real, the 1920 Cesare Dummy can't hurt me.)

Bottom line: It's an important film, I appreciate it for both its timelessness and timefullness. But it's not a movie I need to revisit often, regardless of how enchanting Connie's nostril acting may be.

---

The first time I watched The Hands of Orlac, I was floored by the visuals, the staging, and the heavy eroticism. Up until that point, I hadn't seen very many silent films, certainly few as visually striking. I think my initial impressions of this film were somewhat muted on a second watch, but that may just because I knew what to expect.

This time, I wasn't as swept up in the magic of silent era German Expressionist cinema, although stylistically I'm still absolutely 100% obsessed. Art direction wise, this is my favorite between the surviving Wiene-Veidt films (I haven't seen Furcht and I don’t plan to). Orlac is like the darker, sexier, more grown up sister to Caligari's mall goth teen. It's Vampira vs Lydia Deetz.

Orlac is just as much if not more of a cinematic feat than Caligari. The production design and art direction alone feels more mature and in itself tells more of a story.

Very early in the film, we're thrown into a very impressive, very realistic train crash. Opening the movie this way was a really interesting choice -- we don't get to meet the characters before the accident that starts Paul and Yvonne Orlac on their doomed and bizarre trajectory. There is a brief establishing scene of Yvonne reading a really horny letter from her husband, and one of pianist Paul at his final concert before returning home. Then there's a very long sequence of the aftermath of the train crash that almost kills Paul, and this scene brings a level of realism you don't really get in other films of this genre/done in this style. The set construction looks expensive; the mangled train cars piled up in heaps may have been fabricated in the studio, but because of the lighting in the night scene, the billowing smoke from passing locomotives and fires from the crash, it looks pretty damn real for 1924. It's extremely effective and harrowing, especially as Yvonne races to the site of the crash and climbs through the wreckage to try to find her husband. The chaos of the scene, made all the more disorienting by the movement of search lights and the haze of smoke and steam, feels true to life. People are running around, pulling bodies from the ruined train cars, carrying them away on stretchers. Survivors look around dazed, clutching their belongings in shock. It's such a well directed moment in the film, but maybe not the first thing people remember about it. And I think it's inclusion is important because it offsets how weird the movie's about to get.

And boy, does it get weird. However, the doctor does say Paul suffered a skull fracture, so it's not a huge stretch to think he also has some kind of brain injury. So I wonder if that has something to do with how the filmmakers chose to show Paul's intense fear and paranoia, as well as the movie's shift in tone and style after his accident. The nightmarishness of the film, from the exaggerated performances to the set design, feels like an extension of whatever might be going on in Paul's head as a result of his injury.

Regardless, I love the choices the art director made. The set, especially the Art Deco mausoleum the Orlacs have for a home, is so perfect. The huge, cavernous rooms are completely unnecessary, but they make the characters look and feel so helpless, like dolls in a doll house. The lines of the walls and the furnishings draw the eye through the frame with just as much intention as the painted sets of Caligari. Even places outside their house become symbolic and iconographic. The news stand is just a window cut out of a massive wall of loose sheets of newspaper that takes up the entire frame. The interior of Orlac Sr.'s house is like a old, drafty castle, looking more like the home of an evil, miserly king. The tavern where Paul is confronted by Nera feels dank and subterranean, just a lamp or two removed from literal catacombs. The outer world is fully a reflection of poor Paul Orlac's inner torment and despair and I AM LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

The new music composed by Paul Mercer is perfect, too. It's all skronky violins and cellos, ominous percussion and piano. It's just atmospheric enough, creating moments of soundscapes, echoing footsteps, aural suggestions of the oppressive cave-like rooms where the story unfolds. There aren't really any memorable themes like in the updated score for The Student of Prague, but that works for this movie. I would buy this soundtrack and actually listen to it on its own, it's that good.

Everyone in the ensemble is basically on the same page in terms of acting style, no one feels out of place or miscast. Connie of course steals the show, but Alexandra Sorina as Yvonne gives him a run for his money. She's a good match for him, delivering an appropriately desperate and hysterical (and deeply, deeply horny) performance as the touch-starved wife. Their scenes together are maybe some of the best on screen romantic moments of Connie's silent film work because these two are wildly hungry for each other. This movie is so funny, it tells you immediately how horny it is; in the first 30 seconds of the movie, Yvonne gets a letter from Paul that says, "I will feel your body beneath my hands," like they're telling you straight up this is going to Horn Town. And the way she grabs at him, presses her open mouth to him, hovers over him in his hospital bed, she is DTF anywhere any time. And no shame, no shade, good for her. This is a sex positive film, and we love to see it. But she's not just the sexy wife, she's also totally ride or die for Paul. She truly trusts him and believes his absolutely buck wild story about being blackmailed by a dead psycho killer. What a gal.

Then there's Paul, aka Eraserhead Baby… because when he wakes up from surgery covered in bandages, he looks like the Eraserhead Baby. Connie is doing some of his finest nostril acting in this role, I have to say. As always, I am fascinated by his physicality and the choices he's making with movement and gesture. When his bandages are finally removed, he reacts as though drugged, his movements slow as though underwater or in a dream. And when he confronts his surgeon after discovering the original owner of his newly transplanted hands, he holds them out and away from his body as if they were coated in something dirty or disgusting. As Paul's life and sanity unravel, his hands and fingers are in almost constant motion, curling, twitching, clutching; his body language becomes more creature-like, moving in a way that calls up Cesare the sleepwalker -- interestingly, the two characters both seemingly at the mercy of forces outside their control.

We don’t get to know what Paul was like before the accident, how much this traumatic event changed him. There's something this movie is trying to say about trauma and how it affects people. The doctor tells Paul, "Nature and a strong will can overcome anything." But if Paul sustained any kind of serious brain damage, who’s to say his personality wasn't affected, or that he wasn't fragile and suggestible to begin with? Either way, in the wake of the accident, Paul's vulnerability and circumstance makes him a perfect target for Nera's grift.

Even without being targeted by a sick weirdo con artist, it's no wonder Paul's really going through it. He tortures and punishes himself relentlessly for something that wasn't his fault! (Been there.) He puts on a recording of one of his old concerts and crumples in grief for having lost not only his livelihood but also his outlet for creative expression -- not being able to do what you used to creatively because of trauma is REAL. He's trapped in his misery. Even his handwriting is different, now a violent scrawl he imagines is due to the murderous acts his hands supposedly committed. He secretly retrieves the planted murder weapon in order to further convince himself he's somehow become evil, wielding it as through he committed the crimes of the dead man whose hands now belong to him. And the scenes where Yvonne comes to him, wanting to both devour and comfort him, he cannot bring himself to touch her. Clearly they love each other very much and their relationship was very physical, so the agony and yearning in his face when she embraces him is UGH IT'S SO GOOD. It's heartbreaking. There's a lot to unravel here about trauma, body dysmorphia, and intimacy that I'm interested to dig into during subsequent viewings.

Final thoughts: There's an annoying part of my brain that wants the movie to make sense, for the timeline to be clearer, for loose ends to be tied up. But I know that none of that really matters because this movie is better received as a dream or a nightmare. And by that logic, it doesn't have to make sense. The Expressionist beats are being hit particularly hard, but the surreal quality allows the filmmakers and cast to get away with it. For fans of Conrad Veidt, this is a must-watch, even before Caligari -- he gets more screen time in this film, gets to play with his silent film artist's palette, and gets to do pathos like he's the king of tragic, pathetic characters. He's gangly, glassy-eyed, and trembling like a small wet dog the whole time and it's superb. Despite not really getting a chance to know the Orlacs before they're thrown into their own personal hell of body horror and credit debt, they're both pretty sympathetic. From psychological commentary to the erotic visuals and tension, it's all very ahead of its time.

[hestzhyen]

Kagurabachi, Family, and Abuse

(This is kind of heavy, so please take care if you choose to read.)

I can't stress enough how much I love Kagurabachi for it's nuanced takes on complicated issues. Legacy, abuse, trauma, and the people involved in these cycles- very sensitive stuff that should be handled with great care. So this manga taking the time to examine issues with delicacy is surprising for an action series where the MC and his foes lose limbs on the regular. The Rakuzaichi arc won me over heart and soul because of how it tackled abusive families in particular.

I don't think it's controversial to say that leaving your abusers behind to focus on yourself is a key part of healing. But when family is involved, that component tends to get scrambled or lost entirely. Somehow if it's a relative or a sibling or a parent, the situation is changed. The victim should try harder to work things out. The onus is on them to find out what's wrong and fix it somehow; become less vulnerable. Even the most saintly, well-meaning ally can fall into the trap of telling the victim that blood-related abusers somehow deserve extra grace. They're abusers but they're also family, after all. Families love each other and good intentions should mean a lot.

We see it all the time in media too. A parent lashes out in anger. A sibling destroys precious, irreplaceable mementos. A cousin bullies and their parents do nothing. Blood relations hit and hurt and do awful things. But family is family at the end of the day, so they come together to heal with tears and apologies. Everyone is suffering in some way but it'll be okay if they stick together and work through the pain. Pan out, roll credits.

Obviously the Sazanami clan was far more skewed towards villainy than what we see in the real world. But the extra context given to Kyoura right before his death humanized all of them. They were abusers who were trapped in the cycle by misguided devotion to familial duty. And now that the cycle is broken, the family has their chance to heal. Braidbro was told to help the little kids and honor Tenri's sacrifice by letting them avoid his fate, so hopefully they manage it. No more slavish devotion to the auction above familial bonds. They can come together with tears and apologies and work towards a better future.

Yet Hakuri won't be there to see it.

In another series, he might have stayed to help after working with Chihiro proved he was strong enough to stand on his own. Hakuri could have rebuilt the family with a new purpose since he's the first since the progenitor to naturally inherit the subspace sorcery. He'd have the clout to do it, being the only one able to ensure business returns to normal. He even landed the killing blow on Soya to prove his resolve and signal a shift in the family's status quo. It would have been even more vindication for him to go from family embarrassment to patriarch, and who doesn't love it when the underdog comes out on top? He could be the one to fix things! But taking over the family would have truly been a bad end for him- proof that he was still trapped.

Because what could possibly make up for what Hakuri endured all that time? No amount of crying and saying sorry and promising to do better heals an abuse victim. Braidbro and Sazasis could make sure he's waited on hand and foot for the rest of his life but the damage was done long ago. The emotional pain lingers far longer than the broken bones and torn skin. Even if Soya was the only one going so far as to use peelers and pliers on him, Hakuri was abused by all of them. They all agreed -implicitly or tacitly- to ostracize him and give him the worst jobs. We saw him getting ganged up on to be kicked and gut-punched. Kyoura wasn't the only one to deliberately look away. Hakuri's torture was a family affair.

So to see him walk free of it all makes my heart soar. Because Hokazono fucking gets it. The victim shouldn't be on the hook to lead the reform effort once the situation is exposed. They shouldn't even have to participate in group therapy. In order to truly heal, they need to leave. And Hakuri choosing to do so was framed as the best possible thing he could have done in the moment, thank god. No "but they're still family" guilt tripping from the author here. Hell, Hokazono even went out of his way to make sure Shiba gave Hakuri a clear out. Fuck rehabilitating abusive families thanks to the victim's hard work. Fuck glorifying victims becoming irreproachable ubermensches to stop "inviting" abuse. And a flying fuck off to giving the family the benefit of the doubt by waiting around to witness the improvement process. Hakuri is finally free to move on without looking back, as is every victim's right.

Kagurabachi went above and beyond my expectations for having this be the culmination of his arc. I was a bit worried that a story so strongly focused on family bonds would fall into the same pitfalls as many before it. I've been burned by authors mishandling familial abuse with "family above all" messaging way too many times. But we saw that dumbass mindset blatantly and thoroughly deconstructed into fine particulate matter at the end of the Rakuzaichi arc. And it's really sold me on Hokazono's ideals and storytelling in a way that the Sojo arc didn't.

This manga is more than just flashy sword fights and considering how best to honor and interpret family legacies now. Sometimes, families and their legacies are in fact too toxic to be allowed to continue. And thank god the abused kid doesn't have to be the one to help the family fix their shit after it all comes crashing down. I hope future arcs continue to showcase this level of sensitivity and care for the different types of pain the characters are going through.

[halfbit]

also gonna finally make a taglist post. only including projects i'm currently working regularly on.

reblog/comment if you want to be tagged (or untagged) for these projects. specify which/all please. i'll add links to more in-depth intro pages once i actually make those.

serpent's quest. main project, an isekai fantasy hopefully multi-media work about wolf and his debt and guilt-bound found family job-hopping in a world of magic and shenanigans and definitely not getting dragged into a plot to enact revenge on a god. inspired by tcf, gintama, orv, and every isekai/other world story ever.

project revive. my self-indulgent korean webfantasy type bullshit project. includes gay people, death not being the end, everyone has a secret, women who can kill you one-handed, curses, and a god king that can't be resurrected at any cost. inspired by tcf and a lot of dramatic villainess comics.

13 houses. formerly referred to as "adigore story" or "vampire sack project". plot is currently getting revamped (hah) but basically a closeted midwestern boy ends up getting pulled into a dangerous conspiracy by a young vampire who doesn't remember why he wants revenge. he seems harmless, he's gentle, and kind, but he's going to do whatever it takes to find out what he lost, and to make the vampires responsible regret that he was brought back as one of them.

project western sun. strange vampire x rookie vampire hunter, set in a sci-fi western where the hunters are cowboys. featuring: family secrets, exploding guts, horses that are hoverbikes, legendary outlaws, power imbalances, anime fight logic and guns that break the laws of physics. inspired by trigun and that one vampire anime until it turned out to be the world's most convoluted incest because we can't have shit in this world. also bonanza and other old westerns i would watch on tv a long time ago.

❖ reoccuring tropes in all my work (aka so common that i didn't feel the need to mention them in these write-ups) include: primary gay/mlm relationships, elements of horror varying from fridge, body, and eldritch, frequently mexican characters/protags who aren't stuck as sidekicks or have roles beyond just being the funny guy, some dramatic ass jrpg bullshit— you bet their asses are gonna kill some gods, the little guy/underdog vs. the world/the system, getting angry about the poverty hole, resorting to violence. and revenge.

♧ the tag list will be used for writing releases, art that i'm proud of/directly relates to the story, as well as the more organized lore dumps or major changes for the project.

you're also free to request being tagged for anything related to a project, but i would not recommend that. you would be subjecting yourself to a cruel fate. you know not what seals would be undone.

[radioactive-earthshine]

While I'm talking about Klarion and his incarnations I just want to gush very messily about a little known else world's story that I feel very strongly about being animated that has one of my favorite versions of him.

It's title is Zatanna and the House of Secrets and is stars Zatanna, of course, Zatara, Pocus, and Klarion written by Matthew Cody and drawn by Yoshi Yoshitani.

The following isn't any sort of meta or analysis really this is just me squawking about this book and some favorite scenes while trying to make the core point make sense to hopefully convince you to read it.

The art alone is breathtaking.

It's an absolutely fun and delightful origin story for Zatanna full of whimsy, soft moments, some peril and of course great character interactions. If you're a fan of 80s/90s media you might get a lot of vibes from some popular fantasy movies of the time visually and thematically.

In this version we also get to see Klarion's mother (unnamed in this) as the primary antagonist and I am in love with her character and her design. In this version she is the Witch Queen with Klarion as her direct heir. Naturally, Klarion wants nothing to do with it.

Even so, when Klarion first shows up he doesn't make the best impression on Zatanna but we find out quickly that he's more or less pretty unwilling in his mother's ploys.

(Also I really want to see Zatanna smacking Klarion animated).

The story is also about Zatanna's growth and coming into her powers while uncovering secrets tied to her father and mother.

They each share the braincell here.

Though the be fair Klarion is not as powerful here as he is in other versions of himself so he relies on Zatanna multiple times to save the day.

Pocus is such a delight in this, he reminds me a lot of Binx in Hocus Pocus.

These panels... You can feel the love. I wish my cat would let me hold her like that.

Klarion throughout this adventure with Zatanna really does grow to care about her...

It has soft and cute moments from two parallel people, without giving too much away Zatanna feels alienated by being kept secrets about herself, and her dead mother that Zatara was complicit in. He had his reasons, but being a 13 year old girl those reasons do not feel valid for her right now.

Klarion meanwhile was a child under a stern and strict ruler who does not radiate warmth or love and he is told what to do, and what to be, so much that he does not feel like he has control over his own life. All while maintaining that Klarion whimsy in that he just wants to have F U N.

Klarion begs Zatanna to run away with him and forget about her father who had lied to her all her life, so they both can be free and revel in that childish fantasy of being unbridled by rules like Peter Pan's Lost Boys.

Another scene I desperately want animated.

Sadly, Klarion made a misjudgment and fell back on some habits that the characters is known to do and he loses Zatanna's trust for a while.

Even though they have a sudden bridge between them Klarion still has no desire to really help his mother, and by the end of the book he's not afraid to snipe at her and defy her openly. He's made up his mind about what he wants.

Witch Queen turned both Teekl and Pocus into stuffed effigies and Klarion guards them both, angrily. If you know anything about Klarion there is one thing you do not do... fuck with his cat.

Eventually, Zatanna comes to learn some more truths and fully embraces her magic, which gives her an edge over Witch Queen.

The hopeful look Klarion gives his mother kills me. Naturally, Witch Queen doesn't really answer her. She's hot but there's no warmth in her heart.

And so Zatanna saves the day, Witch Queen is defeated, the house is put back in its natural state and her father, Pocus and Teekl are all restored.

The only thing that wasn't quite fully restored was her budding friendship with Klarion.

It doesn't end entirely on bad terms between them, but it is a note of bittersweet.

I really love this story, it captures fun whimsy while showing a realistic story about a 13 year old extraordinary girl dealing with unnatural problems, and normal mundane problems as well.

Klarion here is very divergent from almost all of his incarnations but he is still recognizable as himself being that fun and free person unbridled by rules. Also his design here is delightful as he has more beast-like traits with fangs and pointed ears. I wonder sometimes if this Klarion will ever get antlers.

10/10 recommend and I really, really feel strongly that this story should be adapted into animation.

[sackfoo]

Stampy's lovely world ending

Spoiker warning of course!

No idea how I'm formatting this but here we go i guess.

I wanted to start off discussing the ending, which people seem split on. I personally kind of found it weird that we didn't get Stampy and HTT calling a permanent truce consideribg fight to forgive made it seem like Stampy was on the slow path to making peace with HTT. I was kind of waiting for it, some reveal that HTT didn't design the trap in the nether since it was kind of Stampy who made the decision to go to the nether, that HTT was working for a higher power against his will or something, that Stampy would find something at HTT's castle that put everything into context, i was REALLY expecting some sort of fake-out ending where things ended on a definitive note but where HTT realized he didn't want the lovely world without Stampy and would invite him to stay or chase after him like Veeva did, but that didn't quite happen. HTT doesn't get any sort of closure one way or the other, it's just implied he owns lovely world now and it's all super lonely and a hallow victory but we don't see that confirmed.

That isn't to take away from the episode though. If that's how Stampy wanted to end it who am i to tell him otherwise? I can see the intent behind it and respect it even if it's gonna leave a hallow hole in my heart that i am forever scared to fill again due to fear of whatever i fill that void with ending too, or worse, the people behind it turn out to be huge jerks and the community doesn't feel very safe. Wait what was i talking about again? Oh yeah, Stampy cat. I won't knock it for the ending being a little too heavy on the bitter rather than the sweet, it's a good episode and i can always just download the world when the download is released and all that, and assuming Youtube doesn't go bankrupt and all of Stampy's older vids don't become lost media, i can at least go back and rewatch all those old series whenever.

On the subject of people making content to fill the void and hopefully fostering a safe and inclusive community though, as i said in the past, I hope the ending of Lovely world pushes people to make more fun long term family friendly but also genuine content like lovely world. Stampy made these minecraft videos for so long and it always felt fun to watch him, it felt like he was being genuine the whole way through, there weren't a bunch of fast pased annoying edits and Stampy didn't feel like he was putting on this loud in your face persona to keep our attention, and most importantly, he was super kind and inclusive and respectful on top of being so imaginative and creative. I really wish there were more content creators like that on the platform. LGBTQ+ kids don't really have a lot of spaces to go where they can feel so safe and i think it's important that they have those spaces where they feel welcome.

Not saying those spaces don't exist but even when Stampy was still actively making videos, those spaces were fairly few and far between. I just hope that more people who grew up on Stampy take this opportunity and we get a renaissance of people making videos like Stampy and fostering communities like Stampy's while also bringing their own things to the table. SMPs maybe kind of fill that void but they're not for everybody (me included) and not what I'm talking about. The only other person i can think of that is closer to what i mean is Sqaishey, who is also amazing and feather adventures is still going for the foreseeable future, i just think it'd be nice if there were more people like Stampy and Sqaishey for kids to look up to and feel welconed by, as i have reiterated like 9 times in the last minute because I'm not good at making my point or ending a post like this.

[rahleeyah]

Do you think that by killing off Kathy instead of a divorce between her and Elliot, that El is still not "choosing" Liv? That when EO get together it's more of Elliot being "well my wife's dead so I guess I'll be with you". For many fans the choice of killing her off was not the best choice for the reason I state, and cause to fridge a female character is gross too.

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you understand what I am saying.

No, I don't think that.

I know a lot of people feel that way, but as we've discussed on this blog before I really do feel that Elliot couldn't choose Liv over Kathy while Kathy was still alive, not least bc Olivia wouldn't let him. And yes, of course, he could've gotten divorced from Kathy and then turned up looking for Olivia - and it would've been interesting to see Olivia be able to really vent her anger at him in those early days - but there's something....off, if Kathy's still around. She's still such a source of insecurity for Liv - does Elliot really want Olivia more, did he only come to Olivia bc Kathy finally got rid of him (which is essentially the same as only coming to Liv bc Kathy died, maybe even worse), has Olivia taken something from Elliot's family, do the kids resent her, etc - and Olivia's own reticence I think gets in the way too much if Kathy is alive. Olivia has been telling herself that Elliot is someone else's husband for so long that even a divorce isn't enough to nudge her, I don't think; it certainly didn't the first time. And yes the first time they were still partners but this time he's left her for a decade (why is he only coming back now? Isn't Liv still a consolation prize in this version?) and if she leaps straight into her anger without those months of caring for him maybe they don't ever recover.

And like what's the timeline. Elliot comes for the ceremony while still married to Kathy and Liv is furious and he leaves Kathy? Idk about that. Elliot gets divorced and only then turns up? Yeah I don't love that either.

And yeah, obviously, fridging is a serious issue that we do need to talk about but also characters have to die sometimes. We can't just never have a character die, never have the other characters experience loss; that's ignoring a whole vast swath of human emotion that does need to be explored in media. And if you're gonna kill someone off so that you can talk about grief and trauma and love and healing, pragmatically you're gonna kill a side character. Bc you want to keep your mains around for later. You need your mains. They're the story.

On the one hand, it would've been nice to see Kathy stand up for herself and go out and make a new life and not be beholden to Elliot. On the other hand, life doesn't give us all happy endings. Kathy had just as many choices as Elliot did. She asked him to come to bed, she asked - pushed - him to come back to raise Eli. She was happy in Rome. With him. Maybe Kathy didn't want another life. Maybe she wanted her husband - she worked hard enough to keep him - and maybe her ending is tragic, but life is tragic. A man looking at his cell phone while driving hit my mother head on and we spent a week in the hospital with her, jumping every time her eyelashes fluttered even tho we knew there was no activity in her brain. In the perfect story, her eyes would've opened. She would've woken up. We wouldn't have lost her. We did. The story doesn't have a happy ending. We stumble thru our grief. I kind of like it when the stories I consume reflect things I've felt in my own heart; it helps learn to name my emotions, and find connection and solace in the knowledge that I am not alone in feeling them.

Not every story has a happy ending. Kathy's didn't. That's not a crime imo.

[babyangelsky]

Now that Anti Reset and Perfect Propose have soothed my salty little soul and I've had some time to sit with the finale I just wanted to get some thoughts out.

I'm...unsatisfied, to say the very least. I know we got that "to be continued" which hopefully means we get another season or a special or a movie or something to tie up all these loose ends because I need them tied. Cliffhangers by nature are meant to leave at least a couple of loose ends untied but Den. Bro.

Even if what we saw was a season finale and not a series finale, that doesn't really help because even season finales give a little bit of closure. Here there was no closure. None. Anywhere. That finale didn't leave me with the anticipatory kind of frustration that season finales have been leaving me with my whole life, where I'm excited to see what happens next. It left me with the frustration of needing answers but not knowing whether I'm actually going to get them.

One, because there's no guarantee we'll actually get a continuation. How many series have we seen announced that just never get made? (Wish Me Luck and Love Puzzle, I'm still waiting for you) And two, because Den has lost my trust as a writer.

I've been writing for eleven years. Not in any sort of professional capacity, just as a hobby, but even so I feel qualified to say that we tell on ourselves a little bit through our writing. Through any creative medium really. Part of the artist always goes into their art, they're reflected in their art.

I remember @heretherebedork saying in a post that Den's hangups about kink, virginity, and sex within and without the context of a committed relationship were coming through in his writing choices, and they did. Especially when you compare Playboyy to Only Friends which you can't help but do because there's so much overlap. Echoes of Only Friends were always present from the very beginning.

Den said himself that what he didn't get to say in Only Friends he said in Playboyy, and to an extent I do think that's true. I do think he touched on a lot of things he wanted to touch on, but that's just it. He merely touched on them. Commentary about sex and sex work was there in Playboyy and when it was done well, it was done really well.

When it wasn't, it stayed very surface level at best and at worst, it hindered not only the development of the characters and their relationships but also the plot.

I enjoyed Playboyy. All I ask of the media I consume is that it entertain me and I try not to look at it through the lens of a writer. If a piece of media I consume entertains me, it has done its job. Playboyy did its job but I am so dissatisfied with that finale and that dissatisfaction is deeply rooted in my lens as a writer.

I can't just see it as a piece of queer media about sex. I can't help but see all the things I would've changed or done differently or excluded all together. Stories about sex have the right to exist. Stories that talk about and include sex have the right to exist.

But if you set out to write a holistic story about sex that runs the gamut of experiences on both an individual and societal level, which is what Den intended, how then can you demonize the aspects of sex that don't conform to your worldview while idealizing the ones that do?

That I think is my biggest beef with Playboyy and with Den's writing. If I can't trust you to do what you said you were going to, how can I trust you to tie up the entire tassel of loose ends you left in your plot?

Who knows if that all made sense but I just needed to get it out of my system so I can rest. I hope we get some sort of continuation for this story because I have so many goddamn questions but I'm honestly wary of hoping for it.

[ham-kat]

Losing interest in my hobbies

I was a part of an art club in my uni to encourage myself to draw more since I felt burned out if drawing and even though I barely have time I tried to go there in the hope that I would do more art and find more artist friends but sadly I didn't have a click with anyone there and felt really lonely there, which didn't help me escape burn out and art block, but this has been for so long I feel that this is just me losing interest in drawing and becoming an artist, only time will tell.

Uni is a big part of me losing hope to stay an artist but it wasn't the first reason, the toxicity of Twitter and other art communities didn't help either, sadly I was projected to political Twitter instead of more artists, which made me care about meaningless political arguments instead of doing art, I do regret using Twitter to be honest, the other platforms of social media didn't really show my art which was discouraging to me even though it shouldn't matter but i can't lie and that it didn't bother when I was younger. When I was young I thought to myself that if people online like my art then it would encourage me to do more and be better which is the most destructive thought process you can have as an artist. I also believe that taking off a full year to study for tawjihi (senior year if highschool in Jordan) didn't help my art because after I finished the year it felt like I lost all of my artistic skills like I'm in square one. I do hope that i don't lose my interest to my hobby because I love art and I like to draw but I feel that life has been stressing me for so long that I barely have any time for my hobbies and idk when does this stressing ends. I will try to show my art in here but I'm not promising that y'all will like it lol. Of course not everything in my life is doom and gloom, I met new people and I discovered new things that interest me, Im also doing the impossible ( watching one piece) and hopefully I'll watch more anime, I also go to a lot of places that I have never been in because I was a cave goblin who doesn't go out of his house (mainly because the street of my neighborhood is not the best for a kid to grow up in so I just didn't go out in general). I'm also really excited to start gaming again, hopefully I'll do it as soon as I get money, which I'll be getting while working in the summer semester and to test if I can't balance studying and working at the same time, working will be a pain but also financial freedom is the best thing that will happen to me to be honest lmao. I will post more blogs about work and my experience so if you wanna see that you better follow me ;).

[nemesisvortex]

Just read most of Kamisama Kiss, spoilers for Kamisama Kiss, Howl's Moving Castle, and Fruits Basket, Inuyasha, Romantic Killer beware

I need recommendations for stuff that's basically "It was you all along"

Sofie traveling back in time and telling Howl to come for her in Howl's Moving Castle

Nanami going back in time to save Tomoe and in the process of trying to keep the timeline how she thought it happened (him falling in love with Yukiji) she creates that and he falls in love with her

It was her all along

A non-time travel variant of this can be Tohru and Kyo from Fruit's Basket, especially with the bait and switch with the hat, but like, he knew and loved her all along (not immediately in Kyo's case, but he wanted to know her if I remember correctly)

I'm a sucker for all variants of lifelong companions

Childhood best-friends who lost touch and forgot about eachother only to reunite and fall in love all over again, memories slowly returning

one or both reincarnating and finding eachother again, Inuyasha was close but I disliked how they handled Kikyo and Kagome as reincarnations, it would've been nice if they had explored more of the fact that they're the same *soul* and what that means, as is, Kikyo is so horribly different from Kagome, vindictive, cold, etc etc, its hard to believe that they're kinda the same person, you can see it a little in how loud Kagome is, as like, an extreme version of Kikyo's quiet vindictiveness, but there's just too much dissonance between the two that it feels it was only a plot point for the drama + bonus damseling Kagome for a hot minute, which dont get me wrong, love a good damsel moment, but thats just when its done well, and I dont know if I can say Inuyasha handles its damseling well

A smaller variant of this was done really well in Romantic Killer, best show, where knowledge given at the end of the show recontextualizes everything before it into a micro "it was you all along", where every action Anzu did to avoid Kazuki and the whole romantic otome game plot line actually helped him and he found himself falling in love because of it, breaking his phone on accident when his trauma was acting up so he was able to briefly recover, and not pressing him on it, avoiding him (not treating him like a piece of meat) and standing up to girls who dont care about what HE wants

Yeah, stuff that recontextualizes things works really well for this I think, like Nanami making sasamochi for Tomoe when he was sick, and we see a brief flashback of someone making him sasamochi when he was a kid, and we learn later that it was also Nanami here and he was pretending to be a kid

His favorite food is sasamochi because Nanami made it, and Nanami made it because it was his favorite food, a closed loop

Side note: Kamisama Kiss has one of my favorite portrayals of time travel ever, it makes perfect sense, doesn't hurt your brain, and makes things 10x better by recontextualizing everything you thought you knew without breaking it

But yeah, this is a really long winded way of asking if anyone has recommendations for media that fulfills this particular niche, preferably without spoiling the good stuff if I choose to read it for myself, I used a lot of examples so hopefully that gets across what im looking for

I should probably do a breakdown of what I liked so much about Kamisama Kiss, I said a lot here, but yeah

"It was you all along"

gud stuff

[enbyhoshi]

ao3 wrapped 2023

hello again! i only ended up writing (+ posting) two fics this year (total of 16,033 words) compared to the staggering seven of last year - so i went back and forth a lot about whether i should even make this post, but i ended up doing it anyways! here we go!

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from the start

wonhao, 7.4k, G, library co-owners to lovers

minghao fest fic! to be honest, i wasn't really planning on joining the fest as i hadn't written minghao before and was too nervous to, but after seeing this prompt i just couldn't pass it up. and thank god i didn't! one of my favorite types of fics is where the story takes place or focuses on the main pairing's (along with the rest/some of the other characters in whatever media is being written about) workplace, especially when it's super specific lol. and who doesn't love a lil library romance? wonhao were made for this. another favorite thing of mine, this time more on the writing side, is sneaking small references to other loved medias hehe. this time it's a reference to the dimension 20 season the unsleeping city: chapter 2 episode 1 with minghao cleaning up the orange juice in the romance section. very random but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favorite part:

“Oh,” Wonwoo mumbles. He looks a little out of it, like he’s as shocked about this whole situation as Minghao is. “Cool. I mean– that’s good. I didn’t have a plan if you ended rejecting me.” “Quit your job and move to another country?” Minghao jokes, despite the fast beating of his heart. “And what about our child?” Wonwoo jokes with him, voice a little weak. Minghao tries not to think about how he’s the cause of that. “We can’t have it travelling between countries all the time.” “I can’t believe you just told me you love me while I’m covered in orange juice.” Minghao says, trying to swallow down the huge smile that wants to break out. “This is the worst possible place for a love confession.” “Well,” Wonwoo says and his eyes dart to something above Minghao’s head and when he looks it’s the label of the particular section they’re in. It’s the Romance section. “I’d say it’s pretty fitting.”

2. untouched

soonhao, 8.6k, M, gg!bss & their stylist hao

girlies.... another minghao fest fic lol! this fic was somewhat of a surprise, since i came up with this prompt on a whim and just kinda put it on the ever-growing wip pile. and then the 2nd round for mhf happened and thought you know what! might as well! in my mind, this fic was supposed to be way different than what it ended up being tone-wise. think more angsty, more toxic, more i-just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-and-i-know-you-desire-me-carnally-so-i'm-gonna-use-you-as-a-rebound. basically toxic yuri but make it soonhao. unfortunately it got lost in translation and it turned out more like a typical fic but maybe its for the better lol.

favorite part:

“I did,” Minghao says. “It was good. Do you really have the acorn hat in your bag all the time?” A bashful smile breaks out on Soonyoung’s face. “You know I don’t. I just thought it’d be a fun anecdote.” Minghao smiles back at her. Her hand reaches out to move the hair from Soonyoung’s eyes but then she realises what she’s doing and draws her hand back. “The jeans too?” she says like nothing happened. “That was more…” Soonyoung looks away like she’s thinking about it, her smile turning into something softer now. “More of a personal moment that I wanted to share, I guess.”

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and that's it! truthfully, i was trying to finished at least one more fic before the year ended - and then i got sick (still am) and could barely look at a screen for more than 20 mins (still can't) lol. hopefully that fic gets published early next year then :) thank you for reading this far! see you in 2024!

[lesbiansanemi]

If I’m to be frank… I think RGU just wasn’t your taste and that’s valid. But I don’t think it was executed sloppily or had bad writing. I think it’s worth seeing why many people find RGU great and/or impactful, because while it wasn’t for you, I don’t think that it’s nice to imply that other people’s tastes are questionable because they love RGU.

Hope this doesn’t come off as rude. You were rambling, but RGU means a lot to me so… I wanted to give a response.

So.... I do fully acknowledge that quite a few of my complaints with RGU do stem from certain choices/storytelling techniques that just aren't my personal taste (as I mentioned in the original post) however... I also fully stand by my opinion that it did have some poor execution and sloppy writing in certain aspects. I like to think I have decent enough media comprehension to tell the difference between just not liking something personally vs it being poorly technically done

I went into the series really, really wanting to enjoy it, and it was pretty much within the first episode or two that I realized no matter what, I wasn't going to. Part of this had to do with the heavy emphasis on the "slice of life" aspect (as this is not something I enjoy), as well as the storytelling techniques that were being used (heavy emphasis on repetition, extremely overt visual metaphors. etc). I do acknowledge that's all personal taste though, and has nothing to do with a series being good or bad. Regardless, I was a bit disappointed by that, but I did my best to keep good faith while watching because I know it's a series a lot of people really enjoy and think is good, and I wanted to understand why.

Unfortunately, I was pretty consistently let down. For starters, I think the series made the mistake of leaning far too heavily into the aforementioned storytelling techniques that it ended up with bad pacing. It was so focused on its patterns of repetition that it lost itself (and audience attention).

Beyond that, my main two complaints are the imbalanced way it tried to integrate anime-typical slice of life shenanigans and.... literally everything else it was trying to do, and, one of my least favorite things a piece of media can do, lean far too heavily into its own subjectivity to the point that it hindered itself.

I see what the series was trying to do in both those regards, but again, I don't think it did it as well as it could have, or even... that well in general. It's late for me and I have work in the morning, so I don't have time to write up everything I would like to say about this (hopefully I'll manage it in the next couple of days, as well as talk about the aspects of it I did actually enjoy) but that's the gist of my complaints.

Finally... So like, I get the series means a lot to you, and you don't have to agree with me, but I also don't have to agree with you. Just because a lot of people like the series or think it's impactful and put together well doesn't mean it fundamentally is. It definitely doesn't mean I have to think that.

My snarky comment of "I don't trust your media tastes if you tell me this is perfect high art" is a bit of an unfair generalized blanket statement that obviously has more nuance than that. I could have phrased that better, but tbf I wasn't expecting many ppl to read the rambling tags on an untagged post

However... sorry.... but a part of me is standing by that. I disliked the series, and did not think it was nearly technically as good as I've seen people tout it. Therefore, if I see someone very confidently talking about how much they like it and how good it is... It's safe to assume we have very different media preferences and criteria for what makes something technically good. That's fine, but I'm not going to trust a lot of other opinions about media from them, because we're likely to continue disagreeing. That feels like... a fairly logical conclusion to me but idk

I'm not the end all be all of media criticism. I'm not saying you have to agree with me, but I'm sticking by what I said. Sometimes people say/imply media I enjoy is bad, and therefore if I like it, that means I have bad taste and opinions on media. It happens when you're talking about media, especially on the internet. With something so subjective, there is never going to be a piece of media that everyone comes to the same conclusion on, and you kinda just have to learn to accept that.

Idk, I also hope this doesn't come across as too asshole-ish, I'm just saying I don't agree, and I don't think I have to acknowledge that "RGU is that good actually, I just didn't like it personally" if I want to criticize it because I don't think that

[menefie]

So...

I write this to hopefully help anyone caught in the net of mental illness or a stressful life. I know in such state it can be hard to take care of yourself, but it's the time to do it the most. It's imperative actually. Turning to your vices only makes the situation worse. Often a lot worse. So actively fight to do your best and GET RID OF THE JUNK as much as possible.

Let's be on clear what junk is: everything you rely on that doesn't reinforce healthy habits or energy.

Of course number 1 is junk food, which includes liquor, and it may sound corny, but it's important cause a lot of your well being relies on a healthy digestive system. Junk food wreaks havoc on the gut and, in turn, the rest of your body. With that, make sure your getting enough of necessary vitamins cause deficiencies cause disorder in itself.

Number 2, unnecessary medications and supplements. Many people already know how bogus a country's medical health system can be, but the natural remedy business has become very bogus too. Most readily available medications and supplements won't do much for you without possibly causing other problems. Unless you can die without taking a certain thing I urgently suggest alternatives. Be careful with natural supplements as alternatives cause many are being sold with too much or too little of what you need, or don't come with proper warnings or instructions.

Number 3, toxic people. Some people really live to be in opposition, or are so messed up mentally they just can't be any good to you. Some people's way of being simply won't mesh with yours. Cut anyone causing substantial negativity out, and set clear boundaries for those you can't cut out. Don't let anyone make you feel you're wrong for doing so, or that you'll be lost without them. Stay true to your intuition with this.

Number 4, negative media consumption. That casual social media scroll can seem so harmless but it can be doing a lot of mental damage. Aside from the obvious seeing things that cause self deprecation or rile up negative emotions, it should be known the average algorithm attacks the psyche. Going from good to bad and back in a matter of seconds isn't healthy for the mental. TV does the same depending how and what you watch. Too much nonsensical or violent content wears at mental stability. I personally don't watch much TV and vet my socials by blocking, muting, unfollowing a lot of content/people.

This is just the junk you've control over. This society is filled with so much junk that cutting these things won't necessarily be an end all, but it'll make a major difference.

Also I know some people have the attitude we're all going to die anyway so why try, but I figure may as well live the best you can while living. Then there's people seemingly impervious to the junk, but trust it's affecting you. You may notice it more down the line, but the stuff I named factually causes problems for near all people.

Be MINDFUL. Be FOR YOURSELF. LOVE.

[pinksilvace]

@imsosocold Sure! I talked a little bit about the unfortunate implications in this post, which lightly touches on disordered thinking, the link between OCD and psychosis, delusions, and obsessive thoughts in a general sense, but I'll break the claim down further.

(Side note: in both the linked post and the one I'm reblogging now, I mistakenly referenced Belos' OCD as if it was canonized. Above, I said that it was so in season 3 because that's when Belos' backstory was explained and we got more context for his character, though the connection could have been made in season 2 as well. While this diagnosis is not strictly canon, it would be a hell of a lot harder to argue that Belos doesn't have OCD.)

The simple answer:

There is a type of OCD known as scrupulosity, which relates to moral/religious obsessions and/or compulsions. From VeryWellHealth's page on it:

Fan interpretations can vary the figure whose words Belos is scrupulous for - the Lord, the Caleb of his youth, the local minister, whatever. For this answer, that part doesn't matter much. The important bit is that we know he had a strict religious upbringing that informed his beliefs, life goals, and actions going forward.

Some of the above obsessions may look familiar. We see instances of these poking through his character in

3x02: "I tried to save your soul." He believed that Caleb was well on his way to Hell, behaved immorally, etc. to the point that he saw killing him (compulsion) as the only solution

3x03: "Finally, I can cleanse this perdition myself!" Upon looking up the word "perdition", the first three definitions to come up are 1) Loss of the soul; eternal damnation, 2) Hell, and 3) Utter ruin. He wants to destroy (compulsion) the Boiling Isles because this is how he views it.

2x21: "Please, I don't want to see another human life destroyed by this place." In his mind, humans+witches=death. He needs to kill the witches (compulsion) if he wants to save humanity - or, vice versa, if he doesn't eradicate the witches, it will bring about humanity's ruin.

There might be more examples, but tbh I'm writing most of this post off the top of my head.

Because of the way that OCD is stigmatized, compulsions are generally presented to the extreme in media (see: everything about Belos' character), but some of the above could be addressed in fanon while others pass in canon:

Acts of self-sactifice - One could argue that many things he's done for his cause would constitute "self-sacrifice", including the self-harm, political maneuvers, and leaving home/remaining in the Boiling Isles to complete his mission

Agreements with God - One-sided bargaining, if you will. One instance where this happens is Caleb's death; Philip committed a sin by committing fratricide, but he did it in the name of something good, so theoretically, God would forgive him this misdeed.

Disregarding this, OCD can come in "pure O" form, which exhibits only mental compulsions that appear invisible to observers.

The reason I treat Belos' OCD as canon is that it basically is. Like, it's not just a facet of his character - it's kind of his whole deal. Everything he does is a result of his scrupulosity. Everything.

That's the short answer. I could go on about how he was unable to change because he got caught in a cycle of obsessive thoughts and lost any support system he might have had, or how there's evidence he was aware of his own hypocrisy (yet another OCD symptom) because of the guilt that the grimwalkers represent, or how his delusions of grandeur are a result of his obsessions, but I think I'll end the post here. Hopefully, this clears things up :).

I really do wish that the Owl House had managed to stick with its original goal of being subversive for so many reasons, but right now I'm thinking about the finale again and how Belos was framed as a downright evil dude. A lot has already been said about this decision, from how it hurts the development and arcs of multiple characters to how it neglects a lot of the subtext that made Belos such an interesting villain to begin with, but it also just generally falls into common tropes from a character design standpoint.

Belos is designed, inside and out, in such a way that ensures the viewer KNOWS he's the villain based on pre-existing stereotypes prevalent in media. He's not young or conventionally attractive; I've seen fans go so far as to call him ugly because of what is essentially a skin condition. Season 3 confirmed that he has OCD and psychosis. The curse is shown to give him some sort of chronic pain (+limited access to relief medication, which loses effectiveness [note that Eda will likely always have access to elixirs while the same can't be said for Belos and palismen]). He has a foreign accent. He was given a rough childhood (that the audience is expected to disapprove of) to "explain" how he got to where he is.

Something about it feels really rotten. He's a villain, no doubt about it, but a lot of his traits - many of which are heavily stigmatized - are not present in any other cast member (the closest I can think of is Hunter, who has facial scarring and undefined trauma symptoms potentially (?) including psychosis [the big difference here is that Belos is shown to have had episodes repeatedly while Hunter was shown to have one moment of non-possessed hallucinations for what looked like the first time]). It would have been nice to see a show shooting for subversion not use such commonly villainized attributes for the villain, or at least, for the villain and only the villain. It especially stinks considering how the showrunners pressed the message that he's evil through and through.