#hopefully I'm very wrong and my imagination is just making me think of the worst

[nxvermore]

Is it just me or this recent attacks on Tom seems coordinated? It's so fucking strange. Of course there's the herd effect and people join in without even thinking properly, but where's this whole thing of picking on him comes from? And "picking on" is a very light way to put it. Everything he does people shit on and rejoice in that and in seeing others do it as well. And it seems worse now than when it was for The Crowded Room.

[mmogurl]

Last to Fall Chapter 3 - Dark On Me

18+ | 2.9k | Aegon II Targaryen X Female Dragonseed Reader | Unresponsive Aegon | half sister reader - you're a princess now! Fastest elevation in class ever! wholesome, fluff, severe injury and burns, mentions of death and other bad things, but still... this whole thing is actually kind of sweet compared to what I usually write.

Ok! This chapter was actually very emotional for me to write. I think sometimes I put my mind too closely into that of my characters, because as I was imagining several parts of this chapter from the reader's perspective, I found myself tearing up. Hopefully that emotion comes across in the work and makes it better.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 On AO3

I've also decided that I'm going to try my best to fit every chapter to a Starset song because the whole Series is based off the title of one (Last to Fall). I'm enjoying the challenge of finding one that suits each theme/ story! They're not all going to be perfectly aligned, but I'll try my best. This one is Starset - Dark on Me I especially like the line - 'But I found in you what was lost in me.. In a world so cold and empty.' Thanks to @zaldritzosrose for headers and I actually made all the gifs myself again! Tags: @coffeebooksrain18, @lexi-anastasia-astra-luna, @meggletoomanyfandoms, @theanbitchless (If you wanna be removed or added from/to the taglist, just let me know)

You hear the horns sound and watch from the balustrade as the procession makes its way through the city up towards the Red Keep. The soldiers return from battle victorious, carting the head of Meleys upon a wagon, but you haven’t seen Sunfyre return yet and nobody will tell you what has become of the king. You’ve heard his mother, Queen Dowager Alicent, mention Aegon in hushed whispers with some council members, but she has not deemed you worthy to share whatever information she has.

Even with the king’s decree elevating your status to that of princess, none will tell you what has happened. You must assume the worst. As the caravan draws closer to the castle, you can see another cart led by two horses. It carries what appears to be a casket covered by many blankets and your heart sinks at the thought of your most dire fears come true.

He cannot be dead. No, no. You won’t accept it.

You rush down to the courtyard, to await the arrival of your king, praying to any gods that might listen that he is still alive. A large contingent of the Kingsguard greet you outside and you feel even more strongly now that your assumption must be true. That Aegon is indeed in that wooden tomb, very likely deceased, but your heart still holds out hope that you’re wrong. The massive gates open to the inner wall of the keep and you watch with despair as the wagon is pulled forward.

As the wooden cart stops, your eyes dart to and fro as men step up to bear the casket forth. You catch the gaze of one of the white cloaks standing near you, and plead with him for answers. “Is he dead?” you whisper, desperate to know the fate of the man who had asked you to be his.

He offers a knowing expression of remorse, but nothing more. You are forced to follow behind as six men carry the king inside, be he dead or alive. You can’t help but wonder where everyone is. Where is his mother? His brother? Where is the small council? Is nobody here to witness the return of the king? You can’t help but to cry quietly as you follow the men of the City Watch and Kingsguard combined with your hung head low.

They carry the massive wooden crate all through the castle, heading upstairs until they enter Maegor’s Holdfast. You pass by Queen Helaena who is standing outside of her chambers, observing the procession with curiosity. You can’t help but wonder if they had kept the truth from her as well. When your eyes lock onto each others, her features twist with curiosity at the sight of your tears, but there is no malice present.

Helaena has never been rude or cruel to you, despite her knowledge of your role in Aegon’s life. She almost seemed grateful that you were able to offer him the companionship that she could not. The queen did not follow further, opting to stay back, likely having a sense that even more tragedy was on the horizon. You didn’t blame her for that, but it didn’t change that you must know. You had to see with your own eyes what had become of your love, Aegon.

As the doors to the king’s chambers opened, your gaze fell upon Alicent standing to the side by the windows. Of course she had known, but chose to leave you in the dark, suffering alone with your doubts and fears. When she saw you, she averted her eyes for a moment, her facade of calm cracking slightly before she steeled herself and offered you a nod. You returned the gesture with a trembling lower lip stepping aside to watch what came next.

They removed the lid of the casket and a whimper escaped your lips as one soldier took Aegon’s sword, Blackfyre, from within and placed it to the side with reverence. The soldiers cleared the room as men dressed in black heaved a dark canvas bag from within the wooden coffer. The sight of this actually made you fall to your knees with grief, finally seeing proof that Aegon was not of this world anymore.

A lamenting wail throbbed through your chest as they placed Aegon’s body on the bed. Your hand clutched the footboard as you fell down on one knee, barely keeping yourself upright. Alicent came to stand beside you, and you barely noticed the presence of the maesters entering through your sobbing.

“Is he alive?” the Queen Dowager asked with a mixture of shock and trepidation. The words stopped your weeping instantly as you pulled yourself up and leaned over the bedframe.

“His Grace, remains with us, for the moment,” Grand Maester Orwyle answered somberly.

You let out whining gasp that makes you sound like a pathetic animal, but you can’t help it. “He was alive? And you carted him through the streets as though he were a corpse!?” You cannot help but cry out as you stare accusingly at Alicent, appalled by the treatment he’d received.

“I didn’t have much say in it,” the Queen Dowager replies looking bewildered as the sight before her seemed to sink in. “They told me.. They thought it would be best that nobody saw the injuries he sustained.”

You stop your outrage, realizing that she likely didn’t know the extent of the damage either. Still, you wish she would have confided in you what little she had known so that you might have better prepared for this.

Orwyle takes an instrument from his medical kit and begins to remove pieces of Aegon’s armor. The more you look, the more you begin to understand what has happened to him. The entire left side of his body, from his head all the way down to his leg, has been scorched by dragonflame. His arm appears to have been dealt the brunt of the damage, where the Valyrian steel has melted into his limb, leaving it a gored tangle of flesh and metal.

A cry threatens to escape your lips once more, but you stifle it. There will be time for sobbing later, but for now you wish to keep yourself preoccupied. “I wish to help,” you say desperately, but everyone is so busy at work that nobody even responds. “Please,” you ask again, your brows furrowed with anguish. “I need to help.”

Alicent offers a glance at one of the maesters assisting Orwyle and from there, a chain reaction of assent occurs, until finally a young man tugs your arm and pulls you to the side.

“You can aid me in making the poultices,” he says softly. You cannot possibly express how grateful you are for the opportunity to stay busy, while attempting to save your king. You offer the Queen Dowager an appreciative look from across the room and return to learning how to prepare the treatment for Aegon.

It is likely a good thing that you are not watching as they remove the king’s armor, for you can hear his ragged breaths and the gasp that startles from Alicent’s mouth in response to it.

“Is my son going to die?” she asks sounding petrified. You do not wish to hear it, but you can’t tune it out either.

“I’m afraid I cannot say,” Orwyle responds quietly, turning his head to regard the Queen Dowager for a moment. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Your Grace, these next hours are most critical.”

“Of course,” Alicent replies, taking a step back so that she’s no longer interfering with the healers work.

The young maester in training hands you a plate filled with individual leaves of steamed cabbage and notions for you to take it to the bed. “Take these,” he says quietly as a mouse. You don’t hesitate to obey, not wanting to hinder Aegon’s chances for survival.

You hold the tray out, leaning over Aegon’s bed, to an aged maester with a gray beard dressed all in dingy whites. He begins to take one piece at a time, placing the wraps at the bottom of Aegon’s broken leg and working his way up. Your hands shake slightly, but you do your best to stall your trembling so that you might be of use. Stealing a glance down the length of the bed, you see Orwyle sponging charred bits away from Aegon’s once pristine face.

Your heart aches, but you push it deep down. There will be time to grieve later if he dies, but you refuse to give into despair again before that actually happens.

“Someone will have to rule in his stead,” the cold and familiar voice cuts through your thoughts.

You turn to your right and see Aemond standing there, dead center at the foot of Aegon’s bed. He had always seemed dangerous to you, but has never looked this unhinged before. You can’t help but wonder what might have happened at the battle of Rook’s Rest to change his demeanor so drastically. The way he looks at Aegon, it reminds you of a cat playing with a mouse, holding it by the tail and swatting at it.

You can’t help but wonder how he stands there without an ounce of concern for his brother. As your discomfort grows, you decide that you will have to keep an eye on the prince from now on. You swear solemnly to yourself, glaring at Aemond while you do so, that you will keep watch on the king as though your life depended on it. Just in case.

————

It has been a couple of days now and while Aegon has not yet woken, he has not yet passed into the arms of the Stranger either. He’s been cleaned up considerably, and his wounds all tended to. The only remnants of the horror you witnessed when he first arrived in the Red Keep being the charcoal still tinting his cheek and of course all of the burns that lace his left side. His broken leg is propped up to keep the blood from swelling, but otherwise Aegon looks peaceful in his slumber, despite the audible struggle he has breathing. You lay next to Aegon on the bed, unwilling to leave his side for any reason lest he might wake alone without a caring face to welcome him back. Nestled carefully against the side of him that is not horribly burnt, it almost feels comforting to feel his chest rise and fall beside you with a fire crackling in the hearth.

At first, you worried that Aegon might pass at any given moment, but once he was out of imminent danger, it became a waiting game. Inevitably boredom overcame you as the king continued to sleep. You took to cleaning to pass the time. First, washing and scrubbing every nook and cranny of the floor in his chambers despite the objection of everyone that came across your endeavoring to stay sane. You then moved onto dusting and cleaning out the tapestries. It was one of the few times you’d left the king’s chambers since he returned, but you wanted to take everything outside to be aired out, lest there be a dust storm within.

A soft sigh pulls you from your memories and your eyes open to see Alicent sitting at the side of Aegon’s bed. Her hand is clinging to his as she leans slightly onto the bed. You can tell from her expression that this whole situation has been very taxing on her. Within such a short span of time, she’s almost lost her eldest son and king, and been passed over for the regency of the realms in his absence for Aemond. Given the predatory way the new Prince Regent had been staring at Aegon days prior, this is a decision you wholeheartedly disagree with.

As much as you hate to admit it, you’ve grown to appreciate Alicent’s company. At first she seemed annoyed by your presence, but you can only assume that in seeing your dedication to her son, she’s softened towards you. She’s even shared several kind words with you, which felt incredibly awkward, especially when she began referring to you as ‘The Princess,’ a title you are still not accustomed to hearing anyone speak, let alone her.

The Queen Dowager had never acknowledged the decree previously, but then none of the acceptance really matters without Aegon here to share it with. He’d talked of marrying you upon his return and now you wondered if that would ever happen. Your fingers caress softly along his arm, a motion that has become almost involuntarily by now as you huddle to him, hoping that your touch will bring him back.

Alicent stands suddenly, her eyes bleary as she places a hand on her son’s good cheek. She almost looks afraid to get too close, as though admitting the depth of her care for him might somehow make it hurt more to lose him. She nods a soft ‘good night’ to you and goes to leave the room. You watch for a moment as the maester opens the door for her in anticipation, and rest your head back down on the pillow.

And that’s when you hear it, so quiet and coarse that you might have missed it if you had not been right beside him. “Mummy,” he whispers without opening his eyes.

You dart up from the bed with haste, looking at him incredulously, as though he had just risen from the dead. “Queen Dowager!” you cry out, not wishing to disturb him, but needing to get her attention. “Maesters! He spoke!” You realize you are laughing with relief as you call out to the them, brushing the backs of your knuckles upon Aegon’s cheek gently as you coo to him. “She is coming, my love.”

As Alicent rushes back to her son’s bedside, you both share a look of hopeful promise. “What did he say?” she asks, her eyes searching over Aegon as though he might move, and than glancing back to you.

“He said ‘Mummy,’” you answer with a smile, happy to see the look of touched gratitude that appears on her face.

“Oh my sweet son…” she trails off, seemingly unable to put words to how she is feeling. She stands beside him, reaching out with a little more confidence this time. “Mummy’s here,” she offers quietly as the two maesters on duty gather behind her.

Aegon lets out a gravelly sound, his breath hitching as he fights for consciousness.

“We’ll let Grand Maester Orwyle know of this development,” one of the men in white offers. “But if he is soon to be speaking with us, it is good news indeed.”

The Queen Dowager is in high spirits when she is finally ready to leave for the night, so exhausted she can barely keep her eyes open. “Thank you,” she says, looking you in the eyes as she rises from her chair. “You didn’t have to call me back, but I’m glad that you did.”

“Who am I to deny him his mother if that’s who he’s ask for?” you say as though there was no other possible outcome in your mind.

She smiles at you with a warmth she’s never shown you before, nodding slightly. “Will you have them fetch me if he wakes again?” she asks with fondness in her voice.

“Of course,” you reply, settling back into the bed beside Aegon. You are surprised when she walks around to your side of the bed, and proceeds to mother you under the covers.

“If you’re going to spend your nights in here, than the least you can do is keep comfortable,” Alicent says with a hint of jest in her tone.

It is definitely a touch strange as she pulls the blanket up and around you, tucking it underneath you slightly. It’s almost suffocating, but in a nice way. “Good night,” you say, turning on your side towards Aegon. You’ve practically made a nook at his side from the amount of time you’ve spent there by now.

“Sleep well,” Alicent calls as she extinguishes the candles, leaving nothing but the hearth to light the immediate vicinity. She ushers the maesters out of the room, with an authoritative pitch. “Get some rest for the night, my son is in good hands as you can plainly see.”

As the doors close and you’re left in silence, you can’t help but consider how sometimes the worst things in life can really help to bring people together. You’ve also seen tragedy tear relationships apart, but when something beautiful can blossom from the ashes of destruction, it almost feels like everything is going to be alright again. Like Aegon is going to wake up and get out of his bed and move on with his life. And when he does, he’ll find himself rousing to a world in which his mother might feel a little more comfortable showing her thanks for his company.

You nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply of his scent. Despite all of the medicinal herbs and the lingering remnants of carbon, you can still smell him. You press a tender kiss on his neck, right below his ear, humming softly as you taste him on your lips.

Whispering softly, you beseech him with kindness, “I love you, Aegon.” You run the tip of your nose against his jawline, savoring the feel of him. “I’ll wait for you… As long as it takes. Just come back to me.”

[livesworthlivingau]

Lives Worth Living Chapter 18

ISAT/Two Hats Spoilers below. CW: Suicidal Ideation/Mention, Intrusive Self-Depricating Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Hacking up blood, just very emotionally painful themes and tones.

(The lightless void... You're back here... You kneel and hold yourself close, shaking. Tears streak down the right side of your face again. No no no no no no! Not here! Not now!! You have to get out, you have to wake up, you have to get away! You look around frantically, trying desperately to find an exit, some sign of difference, anything but- oh no...)

(You spot it in the distance, the dark cloaked and hatted figure, approaching with silent footsteps. The dark reflection of yourself, here to replace the bright one you had lost.)

(You stumble back, staring in absolute horror as it keeps growing closer. Nonononono... Not you, not again... You shut your eye tight and turn the other way, starting to run as fast as you can manage. It can't get you if you can't see it, right? It's not real, just ignore it!)

(You run in the lightless void, even darker with your eye closed, just sprinting in whatever direction you faced. You can't manage to keep up the pace for long, but you think hopefully you lost it somehow. Just as you begin to slow to a stop you feel a hand suddenly grip your shoulder, clenching down like a vice as you cry out in shocked pain.)

["Stardust..."]

(Your eye shoots open at that voice, immediately getting blurry from more tears forming.)

"Loop..." (You whisper out, unable to stop yourself from turning to face it. You're met face to face with that horrid sadness. Its wide, unblinking eye staring deep into your very soul, darkless and lightless in all the wrong places. It opens its mouth as loop's voice flows out of it.)

["Stardust... You only needed to help me with one simple thing. Get us out of the loops. That's all I wanted from you. And you couldn't even manage that~."]

(Their voice tears into your heart like the knife that once entered it. You choke out a few sobs before falling to your knees, collapsing against the figure and hugging its lower half.)

"Loop... Loop I'm so sorry..."

["I did it because of you, you know! You drove me to it, teehee~. I could barely stand a two day loop with you, how could I bear thirty years? You're terrible, terrible, terrible, stardust~! Imagine having to be stuck watching you crawl your way through the decades, just to watch you repeat a cycle..."]

-"Of erasing my change."- (Mira...)

<"Of never letting me grow up."> (Bonbon...)

|"Of breaking my heart."| (Isa...)

="Of letting me die."= (Odile...)

["Honestly, Stardust, it's a wonder I made it as long as I did~."]

(The tears flow down your face and soak into the figures cloak, just shaking and sobbing.)

"I-I'm so sorry I couldn't help you..."

[""Oh, stardust... You already have. Don't you see? It's your fault I'm gone. There's no longer a Loop in this universe, and I couldn't be happier about it! All you had to do was love me, and accommodate me, and include me in your lurid little life until I wanted to kill myself~."]

"N-No... No that's not true!" (You cry out, pulling away, starting to stand and walk back away from it.)

["Of course it is~! You were so gracious too, ready to hand me the Fighter's heart without so much as asking him. Aren't you the worst, Stardust~? Only one loop in and you're already back to treating your family like playthings, teehee~!"]

"NO! NO I WASN'T! THAT'S A LIE!!"

<"You'd know, Frin... You lie all the time!!! You lied about our super duper wish promise!!! You said you wouldn't make yourself loop and you CRABBING LIED!!!">

(The cold sensation in your body grows even colder at that.)

"B-Bonnie... N-No, I-I didn't! I-I couldn't, I swear!"

["It wouldn't be the first promise you broke, stardust. Remember when you promised not to tell anyone about our past? And then you went right to the Researcher and spilled your withered little heart out~."]

"SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" (You scream, making a scissors sign and swiping frantically at it. It doesn't react in the slightest as a flash of craft slices through it.)

="I'm glad you would trust me with those kinds of secrets, Siffrin. Researching your predicament is going to be the only thing I enjoy about your company for the next thirty years."=

-"When can we move on, Siffrin? You're not going to put our lives on hold just so you can figure out these new loops, are you?"-

"I CAN'T- I-I- IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I-I'M SORRY!" (You scream, gripping your hair and pulling on it, falling to your knees again as you feel the tears continue to pour down the right side of your face.)

["Oh, but it is, stardust! You made that wish, after all! You wished to stay with them! You wished to trap them together with you until they had no choice but to love you and stay with you!"]

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" (You cry out, slashing out with your scissor sign again and again and again, the most you manage is to blow their cloak around the slightest bit...)

|"You keep playing with my heart, Sif. You had your dagger ready, why didn't you use it? Were you just waiting for me to come through the door? So you could make me pity you more than I already do?"|

"SHUT IT YOU BLINDING MONSTER!!!!" (You have to get out of here, you have to escape! YOU HAVE TO GET FREE! You look around for something, anything, there has to be a way out of here! You turn around and start running again, just hoping for some time to think.)

(You feel around for your dagger, you can't find it anywhere. Isa took it from you. He took your way out. He trapped you in here because he cared about you. You run yet again, but everywhere you turn, you see it again, slowly getting closer each time you double back.)

(With one last turn, it's hand lurches forward, gripping your throat again as you choke out, struggling and kicking. You're quickly slammed to the ground, knocking the wind out of you, gasping violently to try and recover.)

["Maybe us Siffrins should stick together, stardust. Why don't you join me?"]

(You fall limp under it... Maybe it was right... maybe you should just put an end to all of this...)

"L-Loop..." (You let out in a pained whisper.)

["It's better being dead, Stardust. Take it from Loop, helpful Loop~ The life of Siffrin isn't worth living. Your little family will be better off without you taking up so much space in their lives~."]

(... It's true... you've consumed so much of their lives in the past 30 years, and this time it's only going to get worse... Maybe they would be better off...)

["Isn't that so much easier? To just accept you'll never truly be worth loving~. I don't know why that silly Fighter of yours bothers so much. You must have done quite a number on that poor man to make him so obsessed with you~."]

(... Isa... You grip at its wrist as its hand remains around your throat. The figure tilts its head some at this.)

["Awww, is my little Stardust getting a second wind? You're so pathetic~."]

(It grips your throat tighter. You choke out, struggling and squirming in it's grasp. You have to get out of here, you have to find a way, you have to make it back... You have to make it, for Isa, for all of them...)

["You were soooo close~. Just one little wish away, so why fight it now? You're so much cuter with that sad, defeated look plastered across your face~."]

(It remarks, lifting you up and slamming you back to the ground again, hacking up some blood. You wheeze and choke for air, kicking about frantically. Get out get out get out get out get out!!! Your mind races, digging for something, anything to help you get out of here... and then you remember it, that visceral shade. The one that lit up the sky on that last loop, the one that flashed in your mind when you said it's name...)

["You better get comfortable Stardust, because I'm going to enjoy killing you over and over and over again! No escape this time~!"]

(Before it can manage to lift you up again, you shout the name of your home. Everything goes to that color as it fills your mind and vision. Once it fades you can hear your own screams, hacking up the same shade across the floor, looking up to see the figure stumbling back in a daze. It's working... it hurts like hell but it's working.)

(You shout it again with another flash. Your senses slowly return again, shaking violently, hacking up more of that bright blood. You weakly look towards the figure as it had fallen to it's knees, the air around it like static, buzzing and glitching, like the house reacted on your last loop. One more time... that has to do it...)

"---------!!!" (Your senses fade again, for much longer this time. When they finally return to you, you're screaming out, on your hands and knees on your bed. You hack up more, staining the sheets with the horrible tint.)

"SIF?!" (You turn to see Isa practically having kicked the door down. You weakly reach your hand out for them, gasping and choking for air, still hacking up more and more of that horrid shade.)

"S-Siffrin!" (Mira shouts as she rushes in as well, Odile is standing at the door still, holding back a struggling Bonnie.)

"Let me see Frin!!"

"Not now Boniface, let them help first."

"FRIIIIN! IT'S OKAY WE'RE HERE!!" (Odile shuts the door behind her as she exits the room. Isa is tightly gripping your hand in his, Mirabelle is pumping as much healing craft as she can into you. You did it... you made it out... you escaped, thanks to the love they have for you...)

"Isa... Mira..." (Is all you can manage to choke out, laying somewhat limp against him.)

"Shhh, shhh, save your strength buddy. We're here, we're here for you..." (You let him hold you gently, just enjoying his warm embrace again. You slowly close your eyes to rest once more, feeling safe from the sadness locked within you, at least for now.)

Huge thanks to @tactical-shrubbery for helping me with the dialogue for MDP, she is SIMPLY TOO GOOD AT IT! I actually had to change the ending because Sif would have literally give up if she kept going ^^;

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.165 Trap

Our trip back to San Sequoia was quiet, as one could imagine. My feelings were raw, like fresh sunburned skin, but there was an odd sense of calm too. I didn't realize the dark cloud that hung over me while I stalled to lay Mama to rest. Now that we've done it, a weight has lifted. Hopefully I'm through the worst of it and things will begin to look up.

We all needed dinner, and Sophia volunteered to cook and get Desiree squared away. She said I'd been taking care of them all this time and asked to let her take care of me. It's not unusual for her to do things like that, but...I don't know. In the moment, I felt so loved. Naturally, I tried to compromise, offering to take one of those tasks while she does the other, but she declined and told me to take some time for myself. That wasn't something I had done much since—honestly, I don't think I've ever really been good at that. Ever since we started dating, much of my life has been about her, and now it's her and Desi. I don't mind serving and making sacrifices for them, but I recognize wisdom when I hear it, so I go upstairs to run a bath. I'm not exactly a bath guy, but I wanted to do something different to make this "me time" special. Besides, I had a lot of thoughts and feelings I wasn't ready to let go, so mulling them over in the tub sounded like a good idea. Just as I'm about to turn on the water, my phone rings. Since not many friends call me, I answered the phone without checking the caller ID, assuming it was Alessia. I was very wrong.

You can imagine my shock when I heard Yasmine's voice instead of my sister's. It sounded very despondent, honestly. I mean, Yasmine isn't the most cheery sim, but there was such pain and weariness in her voice. Naturally, I asked if everything was okay. Last time I asked, the answer was no, and it seems the answer was still no.

"Look, I know we're not friends," she said, "but I don't have anyone else to talk to. I really need to talk to somebody!"

We're not friends technically, but there's no bad blood between us, and honestly, I still see her like a friend. I only let go of her for the sake of my relationship. My protective friend mode still booted up at the sound of her desperation. I wanted to know names and where to meet, heh. The old Luca would have run right over to her house to see what was wrong and how I could help, but I can't do that anymore. I still care about her, but I love my wife, and she is not a fan of Yasmine. But, if I can help, I have to try so I ask what she wanted to tell me, but she said she didn't want to talk about it over the phone. I couldn't deny that it felt like a trap at first, but when she mentioned it involved her children, all my alarms went off. Apparently, she had twin girls. What is up with all these multiples around me? Anyway, I told her I wanted to help, but I could only do it if Sophia could be present. Part of me felt like she would decline because her plan to get me alone failed, heh. But she was desperate and accepted. She said I am the only one she trusts, and if having my wife present is the only way to have my attention, so be it. She lives in Oasis Springs now, and I told her we were practically neighbors and that Sophia and I hang out there a lot. If I could get her onboard, I told Yasmine I'd call tomorrow to set up the details.

We hang up, and I run my bath water. I slide into the tub, my mind reeling, trying to figure out what in the world has her so frantic and desperate to speak to me. And what is wrong with the girls? Hopefully, nothing serious. She agreed to wait to hear from me, so it couldn't have been that serious. Sophia had been around me and Chi Chi and Maira enough to know I only have eyes for her, so hopefully she's had enough time to get over whatever hangups she had with Yasmine. True, I recognize that finding out I had been with someone else while we were talking could be shocking and upsetting, but she knows me. I technically did nothing wrong, and I would never entertain doing that again. Just in case she's still caught up, I'll have to be really sweet to her tonight so she'll be in an excellent mood in the morning when I present this to her. She is being really sweet to me, so rewards were already on the agenda, heh. I'll just have to put in some extra work.

[piastrinorris]

Happy to Help

Pairing: Keys x f!Reader Genre: smut (18+, minors DNI) Word count: 3.7k Summary: Forgetting you'd spoken to customer support from your favourite game leads to something getting sent to the wrong person. A/N: Listen, I know there's a set-up for potentially more. I would like to write potentially more. But nothing puts a writer off more than demands for a part 2, okay? For now, enjoy my first ever Keys fic. :)

Welcome to Free City Customer Support. We appreciate your patience. Connecting you to a member of our team…

Keys: Hi there! What seems to be the problem today?

You: hi, my screen is like. frozen dead. can't do anything, can't click anything. can't alt-tab out, can't ctrl-alt-delete. but i made a lot of progress between save points and idk if it can still be salvaged

Keys: Oof, yeah, that's the worst. Hopefully we can get you back up and running. Real quick, are you sure it's not your internet? I mean, you seem like you know your way around a computer, just worth double-checking, if it's your network then there's not a lot I can do.

You: yeah, sorry, should have added that. everything else that connects to my internet is working. i have an error message if that helps?

Keys: Yes! That's amazing! Can you send me it, please?

You: it says "error 72816: attempting patch repair"

You: there was a spinning buffering wheel in the corner but it gave up the ghost about twenty minutes ago.

Keys: Interesting. I don't remember making that error message, let alone what would trigger it. Are you sure that's what it says? No typos?

You: you wound me.

You: jk jk sorry this is a Very Professional Customer Support Exchange. no, definitely no typos.

Keys: Hahaha, don't worry, I've read far worse messages from people today, that made me laugh!

Keys: This is a little unorthodox but I'm wracking my brain here and I can't think of another solution. If I give you my work phone number, would you text me a photo of your screen?

Keys: Usually, I'd ask for an email of a screenshot, but, well…

You: yeah sure, whatever gets me out of this purgatory.

Keys: Super appreciate your patience here. My number is: 

Keys: [redacted]

Keys: Okay, got it, deleted the message with my number so it won't show up in chat history, in case you're wondering. Data protection and all.

You: the professional techie guy with the techie-ass nickname being cautious about cyber security? groundbreaking.

Keys: Haha! You got me there!

Keys: Oh! Wait! Are you registered as a beta tester?

You: no?? i didn't know that was a thing??

Keys: Yeah, all ours are internal and I don't recognise your username in our database, now that I've pulled it up. I think you must have just slipped through the cracks, let me look into the code of our new test area and see if I can boot you back out.

You: ooh, are you gonna come bursting in through my door with a swat team to erase my memory, too?

Keys: I'm just a "professional techie guy" here, not a Man In Black, haha. 

Keys: Hey, I see you!

Keys: In this code, I mean.

Keys: It's showing up that there's an unauthorized player.

Keys: That's what I meant.

You: well yeah, didn't think you were in my walls or anything

Keys: Just making sure! Didn't want you really thinking I was stalking you or anything.

Keys: Still don't remember making that error message, but that's another mystery, I guess.

You: ooh, maybe the game's becoming sentient and it's outgrowing us all!

Keys: There's that imagination again!

Keys: I'm gonna reset your position to your safehouse, hopefully also keeping your progress intact? If this doesn't work then a hard reboot is unfortunately the only other way.

You: you're a doll.

You: AHHHH IT WORKED I'M BACK AND I STILL GOT A SICK ASS BIKE WAITING FOR ME IN MY GARAGE

You: THANK YOU SO MUCH AHHHHHH

Keys: Pleasure's all mine, glad I could help. Please reach out if it happens again! Or if you have any other issues!

You: will do. so long, techie guy. thanks for everything!

Keys: Happy playing!

— — — —

It's been a relatively quiet Friday evening for you. Nobody's made any plans to go out, and you're unsure yourself whether you have the energy to. You've pretty much spent your whole day gaming, so you should probably fill your social battery a little, but do you really want to go to a bar by yourself?

You glance over at your phone and smirk at it. There is that guy you've been talking to… Maybe you'll send him something to spice the night up.

Once you've done your hair and make-up to add to the whole look, you find your cutest set of underwear, put it on and take a couple of selfies until there's one you're especially pleased with. Your muscle memory has you tapping three message contacts down, where he always is since you've been texting friends all day, and sending the photo on autopilot with the message: Hey, you.

You giggle with delight when your phone chimes almost immediately after - you've really got this guy whipped, huh - but are surprised to see you've apparently forgotten who else you texted today.

[8:23pm] Keys: OH

[8:23pm] Keys: OH NO

[8:23pm] Keys: I think

[8:23pm] Keys: You've sent this

[8:24pm] Keys: To the wrong person

[8:24pm] Keys: I'm so sorry I saw that!

[8:25pm] You: that's okay, i don't mind that you saw it. :)

[8:25pm] You: besides, burning the midnight oil, still being at your work phone?! don't they have out of hours customer service?

[8:29pm] Keys: I… Might have lied about this being my work phone. I normally have one, but it's getting fixed so I thought I would get away with saying it was a work line to help you out.

[8:30pm] You: and then i went and accidentally sent you an unsolicited lewd. sorry.

[8:36pm] Keys: It was just a shock, is all!

[8:38pm] You: well, since we're both here, and since you haven't deleted the photo yet despite how quickly you deleted your number from the chat log earlier, *and* how long it's taking you to reply, what do you think?

[8:40pm] Keys: Oh god, you're so right, I'm so sorry, I'll delete it now.

[8:40pm] You: don't!

[8:40pm] You: like i said, i want your feedback on it now.

[8:41pm] Keys: Oh! Well, it's very nice.

[8:41pm] You: nice?! ouuuuch.

[8:42pm] Keys: What do you mean? Nice is a compliment!

[8:43pm] You: yeah, from your grandma when you've given her a birthday card. c'mon, i can take it. tell me what you REALLY think. :)

[8:50pm] Keys: I… I think you're very attractive.

[8:51pm] You: there you go! it's super adorable that you're stammering over text, btw.

[9:01pm] Keys: [image attached]

[9:01pm] Keys: It felt weirdly unbalanced that you at least didn't know what I looked like, too.

[9:02pm] You: well damn, no wonder they call you keys, because you are just my *type!*

[9:02pm] You: get it?

[9:03pm] Keys: …That was cheesy as hell.

[9:03pm] Keys: But I like cheese :]

[9:03pm] You: oh yeah? give me your cheesiest pick-up line 

[9:13pm] Keys: Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe!

[9:13pm] You: i award that 🧀🧀🧀/5. you could be cheesier.

[9:19pm] Keys: Okay, fine.

[9:20pm] Keys: Are you Google? Because you have everything I'm searching for.

[9:22pm] You: 🧀🧀🧀🧀. are YOU google because i'm feeling lucky. ultimate cheese has no comeback. c'mon, you're so close.

[9:26pm] Keys: Oof, okay, give me a sec.

[9:28pm] Keys: Although really you should never use Google if you can help it, they already datamine so much information out of you that the less you use any Google product, the safer you are. I use DuckDuckGo myself, but you should really do your own research when it comes to cybersecurity rather than just blindly trust someone, even if they are a professional.

[9:28pm] You: keys.

[9:29pm] Keys: Right. Sorry.

[9:38pm] Keys: If you were a grade, you'd be A+, because I want to take you home and show you to my parents.

[9:39pm] You: okay, that wins. maximum cheese for keys 🧀🧀🧀🧀🧀

[9:39pm] You: next ranking category: 🌶️ 

[9:39pm] You: let's see what you got, hot stuff

[9:45pm] Keys: What?! I can't just send you stuff like that! That's so forward!

[9:46pm] You: keys you've seen my tits

[9:46pm] You: i think we're past that

[9:55pm] Keys: Accidentally!

[9:55pm] You: and all the time you spend scrolling back up to it is "accidental", too?

[9:56pm] Keys: …How could you tell?

[9:57pm] You: every now and then you take a little bit longer between messages. just assuming you're scrolling up lol

[9:56pm] You: like i keep saying. i don't mind at all. you don't have to be shy around me

[9:58pm] Keys: Well, since all my cards are apparently on the table so obviously…

[9:58pm] Keys: Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a foot-long.

[9:59pm] You: ????? talk about 0-60! also i think that deserves negative 🌶️ for the psychic damage it caused me to read

[10:00pm] Keys: You just turned my software into hardware.

[10:00pm] You: what happened to "that's so forward", eh?

[10:01pm] You: but, credit where it's due, 🌶️🌶️. normally a 🌶️ but from you it's like a 2.5/5

[10:01pm] Keys: Your outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.

[10:01pm] You: oh

[10:02pm] You: oh my god

[10:02pm] You: oh you sweet boy, you're googling them, aren't you

[10:02pm] You: or whatever you use instead

[10:04pm] Keys: Some of us need the extra help! We're not all as smooth as you.

[10:04pm] You: sure you are, baby, you just need to get comfortable

[10:05pm] Keys: But I'm already on my bed!

[10:05pm] You: not just in that way! try taking something off

[10:06pm] You: and then send me proof 😇

[10:11pm] Keys: [image attached]

[10:11pm] Keys: ;]

[10:12pm] You: taking off your glasses doesn't count, dork!

[10:12pm] Keys: [image attached]

[10:12pm] Keys: like this?

[10:13pm] You: holy fuck

[10:13pm] You: hi you're hot

[10:14pm] Keys: Hahaha, thank you? I still don't feel any more charismatic, though!

[10:15pm] You: well, going back to your line about being like a good grade you wanna take home… does that maybe mean you also want to pin me up on the fridge?

[10:18pm] Keys: Well, the fridge isn't very sturdy. I think I'd rather do that against the wall.

[10:18pm] You: okay now *that’s* hot

[10:18pm] You: and what would you do with me once you'd pinned me to the wall? 

[10:24pm] Keys: I'm not very good at all of the imaginative talk stuff that sounds sexy. Even using the word seems like the total opposite of what I'm trying to do.

[10:25pm] You: not at all, sometimes bluntness is the sexiest thing of all.

[10:29pm] Keys: Well, I'd really like to kiss you. All over, actually. 

[10:29pm] You: *all* over?

[10:31pm] Keys: Yeah. The way you were posing made your neck look amazing.

[10:32pm] Keys: Oh god, now I sound like a vampire

[10:34pm] You: i promise you don't, that was my intention when i took it lol. besides, vampires are sexy as hell. i'd love it if you kissed my neck

[10:34pm] You: would you touch me?

[10:35pm] Keys: Wouldn't I be holding you against the wall?

[10:36pm] You: true, but there's other ways. like, you could put your leg between mine to keep me in place

[10:37pm] You: mmm, and then i could grind against your thigh while you keep this little promise of kissing and touching me *all over*

[10:37pm] You: does that sound good?

[10:41pm] Keys: Oh god yes

[10:43pm] You: and then that leaves my hands free to touch you, too. i wanna play connect the dots with those cute little moles of yours

[10:47pm] Keys: Oh my god

[10:48pm] Keys: that made me want to trace them myself for some reason and that felt so good

[10:49pm] You: you're touching yourself AND not paying attention to grammar anymore? for lil ol' me?

[10:49pm] You: that deserves a reward, i think 

[10:51pm] You: [image attached]

[10:51pm] You: i seem to have lost my bra, come over and help me find it?

[10:58pm] Keys: holy shit 

[10:58pm] Keys: can i just say what i'm thinking and then you can tell me if i'm going to far 

[10:59pm] You: i think you mean *too, nerd boy, but yes, i'd love that

[11:06pm] Keys: sorry typing is getting difficult at the moment

[11:11pm] Keys: i want to hold them so bad. they look amazing, especially with your nipples so hard

[11:11pm] You: when you say typing is difficult, are you touching yourself right now?

[11:12pm] You: because now i'm playing with my nipples and wishing it was you

[11:13pm] You: tell me, baby. you want me to rub them? squeeze them? you wanna come over and suck on them?

[11:17pm] Keys: i want to feel them get hard. want to touch them while i kiss you

[11:17pm] You: attaboy! i knew you had it in you

[11:19pm] You: they're so sensitive now. and humping my pillow as if it’s your leg isn't enough, can i touch myself for you, please?

[11:23pm] Keys: oh god yes please do

[11:23pm] You: are you okay to call? i have a feeling both of us are getting preoccupied now

Your phone lights up with the name "Keys Freecity" and you immediately put it on speaker, letting the phone rest on your pillow next to you. "Well, hey there."

"Uh, hi." His voice is shaking and his breath is hitching.

"You know, you never told me if you were touching yourself or not," you point out.

"I - I am," he stammers out, and you purr back.

"God, I wish I was there to do that for you. Or at least to watch. I bet you look so fucking good right now. What are you thinking about, then, huh?"

"I was, uh… Thinking, about… The way you look up in those photos… And…" He falters out, but you hear the faintest groan, still.

"Aw, you want me to suck you off, baby?" You tease. "Thinking about me looking up at you? My lips wrapped around your cock? Mmm, I bet it's so big I can barely fit, huh?"

"I… I mean, it's not the sandwich I promised earlier, but… It's definitely bigger than… Average," Keys explains, and you don't hold back on the moan that hearing that news elicits from you.

You still laugh softly at his joke. "Yeah, I could tell, baby. Fuck, when are you coming over and splitting me in half already?"

"God, I wish I could," he replies in a strained voice. “Also, it’s really - hot when y- you call me that.”

"Yeah? And how do you like it, baby? You wanna fuck me on my back, so you can keep watching me as you play with me? Or you wanna be the one to lay there and take it while I bounce on your dick? Or d- do you wanna just - bend me over and - fuck me senseless, huh?" As you finally give into temptation, sliding your hand beneath your panties and finally giving your clit the attention it's been craving for far too long, your breath hitches and your voice gets weaker.

“Oh, god, I… All of it, god, please, I don’t care, just want you,” he groans through the phone.

“I want you too, baby, you sound so good,” you croon sultrily, rubbing yourself in faster, tighter circles. “Are you close, hm? Gonna cum for me? I wanna hear you get off so bad.”

“Wanna - wanna get off for yo- with you, want you, please,” he whines.

“Mmm, tell me one more time, baby. What are you thinking of now?” You ask as you sink a finger inside of you. “Thinking of fucking me, yet?”

“Mm - mm-hm,” Keys whimpers. “You - You on top of me, talking like that and - and riding me, treating my cock so good.”

“I’d treat you so good, baby," you groan, adding another finger. "And you'd fill me up, wouldn't you? Fuck me - oh, right there," you whine as you curl your fingers to hit just the right spot. "Oh god, Keys, need you inside me."

Something about you saying his name short-circuits his brain. You just about hear his strained string of moans and profanities through the phone, picturing in your head how that sweet face of his must look - eyes glassing over, lips slightly parted, chest heaving. Maybe you’d fuck him with his glasses on. Maybe they’d be clouded over, knocked askew on his face as you bounced up and down on his dick. “Did you just come for me, baby?” you coo, your shoulders tensing and toes curling as you feel your own release building.

"Mm-hm, yeah, made - made a real mess of myself, shit," he half-laughs with exhaustion.

“That’s my good boy,” you smile dazedly, your core convulsing around your fingers. "Want me to cum for you, too?"

"Oh, shit, you haven- where are my - God, fuck, yes, let me hear you s… Say my name," his voice shakes with the effort he's trying to exude confidence into his tone, betrayed by the immediate, "please," that rolls off his tongue.

Closing your eyes, imagining that look on his face again, pressing your phone flush against your ear as if it pulls him closer to you, you finally leg out an, "Oh, god, Keys!" before finally feeling yourself gush down your fingers, past your hand, even. Breathing heavily, you pant, "Shit, baby, I think you made me squirt."

"Is that a good thing?" he asks meekly.

"Very. You doing good, now?"

"Very!" He repeats back to you, breathlessly, making you laugh. "Sorry I was so… Pathetic, I guess. God," his voice muffles as though he's rubbing his face while he talks. "But it did sound like you were into it a little," he points out with a lilt in his voice.

You grin, "I sure did, but if you wanted to do it again, but more… Confidently, I'd be more than happy to do that again. If you wanted."

"I've never really done… Any of that before, like, at all," he starts, and you interrupt him with a laugh.

"Yeah, no shit, Mr Subway!"

"Ah, like I said, that's not entirely untrue," he laughs awkwardly. "But I've especially never done anything with a total stranger, much less someone I helped through work, um, they can't - you wo- please, don't -"

"You mean this isn't standard practice for Free City customer support?" You tease sarcastically, before adding in a serious tone, "I won't tell a soul. Besides, I like having you as my dirty little secret."

He chuckles, "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. Maybe the next time you're feeling up to it, we can video call."

"N-Next time?!"

You hurriedly add, "If you wanted, you sounded like you did, if this is the first and last, that's totally -"

"No! I mean, yeah! I mean… If that's… Cool," he stammers.

You smile, "It's very cool. Just gotta be a little more confident. Isn't there something you do when you need that extra boost? Like, surely in the game you gotta be a little more self-assured around trolls and hackers and shit, right?"

He groans, "I was hoping you wouldn't ask about that."

Grinning wickedly, you poke further. "Well, now I have to know. Who are you in the game? Have I ever seen you?"

"I… I play a cop," he admits, sounding as though he'd rather the ground swallowed him whole. "It's usually me and my buddy, and he's - he's a rabbit."

You light up. "Shut the fuck up, you're Dirty Stripper Cop?!"

"Oh god, the players call me that, too?! It's bad enough that Mouser does," he groans in despair.

"No, this is perfect. You just let me know when you’re ready to bring… Dirty Stripper Cop to our little talks, and I’ll be waiting,” you bite back a laugh as you repeat his character’s nickname in the hopes that he’ll still take your offer seriously.

A moment of silence exists between the two of you before he pipes up, “...And what if I still want to talk to you, without… All of this? I mean, if that’s all you want, then I guess, but… I dunno, you still seem really cool, and you made me laugh today, even at work when it felt weird in my cheeks to start smiling. But if this is all you want with -”

The rest of his words get drowned out as you move your phone away from its position to look at your dating app notifications. Keys has apparently not been your only option tonight. And you’ve never been one to commit. But something tells you that this was the best offer you’re getting. And the next one will be. As will the one after that, and that’s not even set in stone, yet. But you’re hoping to guarantee it.

As you return your headset to your ear, he’s still rambling. You cut him off with a simple, “Keys.” He shuts up quickly, and you continue, “I - I meant it. I wanna talk to you again. Maybe more than just this, I dunno, I’m bad at this sorta stuff. But… You’re cute. In more ways than one. And if you wanna keep talking, I’ll try. But that’s all I can promise.”

“That’s enough for me! I’ll, um, I’ll text you in the morning, then? Or is that too soon?”

“I honestly wish I could tell you,” you admit sadly. You hope it gets through to him that your reservations aren’t on his part.

Thankfully for you, he doesn’t seem so keen to give up. “Alright! Well, I suppose I got some cleaning up to do before I get some shut-eye. Um, so I’ll talk to you, tomorrow… At some point. Um, goodnight!”

“Goodnight, baby.”

[luveline]

I'm sorry to send you such a loaded question, but as a young adult, how do you stay motivated and... I don't know, do the things you have to do? Ever since I left high school, I've felt that it's hard to commit to anything, especially the things I have to commit to in order to have a future, because everything seems so monotonous and uninteresting and stressful to me; because I feel like I'm not capable of doing anything, of being competent.

Anyways, I love your blog. Your writings are one of the few things that make me happy on the worst days xx

that’s okay! I’m gonna try and answer you clearly !! cw for suicide mention

So first I want to say that I’m really sorry you feel this way! It’s quite a heart ache to feel uninspired or uninterested, or worse to feel like you’re not capable of doing things everyone else is doing. You deserve to wake up and feel happy and confident in yourself and your abilities! And I want to say I’m sorry in advance if this is not quite the answer you’re asking me for!

so, when I was around 18/19 (and well beyond those years, but this was when I was very done and defeated and, you know, crying myself sick every night if I wasn’t just laying in bed) I was in university, but I didn’t finish the year at campus, and I had to go home. I’m not sure if this is something I should be saying because it’s so personal but I just want to sort of be honest with you cos I don’t want you to think you’re alone in that feeling. But anyways I had to go home, I was really lonely and I just felt like I couldn’t do what everyone else was doing, like there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t cope with the kitchen, I couldn’t use the bathroom there, I didn’t know how to turn the heating on, couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t navigate the bus by myself, and I felt so pathetically stupid, I had such low self esteem for myself that I felt like I should kill myself just because I was so useless —I didn’t WANT to understand these things. I just didn’t want to do anything. And the reason I’m mentioning it is because while I don’t think it’s okay to assume these things of you, I want to emphasise that there can be a common link between feeling like you aren’t capable and a mental health issue! Of course, you can feel quite useless without that though, so not telling you that that’s definitely what you have going on but more wanting to say that if you think it might be useful, you can have a look at mental health issues and perhaps see if you’re relating to them. But beyond that, hopefully on the way to answering your question, is how I managed to feel more capable and how I now find motivation to do things I have to do.

I sort of had to do a reset, or a sabbatical! I’ve always been an upset person unfortunately, and I had a long few months where I didn’t do anything at all. I’m really, really fortunate that my mother let me stay at home while this was happening however reluctant she was, I can’t imagine really what I would’ve done or what could’ve happened to me if she didn’t let me stay there. I always thought about how she could’ve just turned me out and she probably wanted to, because for months I stayed in bed. I didn’t talk to anybody, deleted all my social media, and I stewed in how much I hated myself for not being any good at anything. I felt soooo stupid and so alone, and I probably cried myself to sleep every night wondering about my life and if I’d ever have the motivation to go on. There are still times now where I am intensely upset and unsure about things and what I’m capable of, but the difference between then and now, and the reason for my motivation I think, was that I was able to foster a need for something? I’m really so sorry if this sounds like total total nonsense, but I needed something. I wanted so badly for someone to “save me” from my not being able to do things, I spent a lot of time thinking about that. Like, how I could be saved. And then I strung out the middle man without realising I was doing it! It is very hard to go from having no motivation and no sense of self ability to then being confident, but I do think you can do it! I needed someone to get me a job and I ended up doing it myself, I needed someone to be gentle with me when I was sad so I started speaking to myself with a more kind inner voice and seeing myself as someone who didn’t need to be perfect to be good.

There was lots of bits of advice I tried to take on. Not all of it is kind to myself, some of it is though!! Like, for example, there’s a sort of parody of it now that says “I think you’re thinking about yourself too much” but one of the ways I stopped hating myself and instead started to believe I could do things and achieve was by thinking about the level of self obsession I was feeling to constantly think of myself. And I promise I’m not trying to say something hurtful to you, I absolutely don’t believe you’re self obsessed, but you’re also not incapable!! In a slightly more annoying take on your feelings, why can’t you do it if everyone else can? You absolutely can! I personally believe sweetheart that you can do everything I can, but you need more support, or you need to be fostered with some love. You are not incapable, you are not incompetent, you are a smart, kind, and important person. There is nobody else like you on the entire planet and I’m better for it that you’re here.

I apologise profusely if I’m projecting too much on you, I’m not trying to say you must feel exactly as I did years ago, but I think your ask really is important and I really want to give you an answer to your question because I know I felt exactly the same at some point. Working toward a future self I didn’t even like or believe in was boring. Nothing in me wanted to work hard or study or continue because I didn’t look forward to achievement.

sorry this is all so long! Hopefully this last bit is the actual advice you might be able to use. Beyond that wisdom about trying not to dedicate too much time to thinking of myself, there are lots of “rules” I tend to live by, in order to just keep going forward. For starters, you deserve to have fun. You deserve good food, nice clothes (not showy though you deserve those too, but nice sturdy clothing), a warm safe house, and you need to work for it! We defo deserve to work less for things but I keep going and trying to better myself because I know I need to do this in order to be comfortable. This will sound out of left field, because the focus of the book is not strictly motivation, but there’s a graphic novel called my lesbian experience with loneliness by Nagata Kabi that has stuck with me because she has this same sort of view as to feeling like she’s stuck in monotony, and there’s one bit in particular where she talks about doing things for yourself you might not do, I.e making sure you have underwear and socks that are clean and whole. I grew up poor and I’m not super rich now either, but since I read that, one of my priorities is having whole and clean underwear, and that did help me find the motivation to work or to study. We need to function in a way to maintain good standards for ourselves, and even if you have boxes of clean socks, there might be something in your life you can think about working toward! I throw away underwear or any clothes that don’t fit me right, and I don’t feel guilty about it when I would’ve before because I know that feeling well dressed is good for your heart. Does that make sense? To give yourself a good standard of life, you have to keep going. As well as that, another way I stay motivated to go on which I’ve talked about before maybe (not that I expect you to have read this) is my writing. I’m motivated sometimes to do things I have to if only because I need free time to think deeply about the things I want to think about. Also I love writing more than pretty much anything, even if most writers will look at what I’m doing and laugh or wonder why I’d dedicate so much time to some things in particular, because I love it. If I can make sure my rent is paid every month, that’s a promise I have a room to sit in every night where I can write whatever story I want! Another motivation is my ability to give bits of myself? It sounds ridiculous because I don’t genuinely believe I’m giving myself to people but to try and be a positive part of someone life is a good place to start if you feel purposeless. My relationships with my sisters are a tether for me and I’ve tried so hard and so much to make these relationships count, as well as with long distance friends, and recently ish I got back into contact with friends I couldn’t maintain relationships with when I was feeling down, and now my life feels very changed. I don’t live solely for myself, (though it’s okay if you do, because its hard and sometimes a lot of pressure to live for and around others) so that gives my life more purpose, and gives me more reason to do things I have to do. I also desperately enjoy this blog !!

I’m genuinely so sorry if this is all useless. I’ve been typing this answer since like 1:05 and it’s much later now, but it’s because it’s hard to describe to you the things that give motivation, because I know deep down how impossible it feels when you have none. I don’t expect you to read this and think aw jade you’ve solved it I’m fine now actually, I just hope that one thing in here can lend you an idea as to what to do next. If you’re struggling to go on, there are lots of options available to you in the UK such as the SHOUT text line for stress, depression, and eating disorders. They’re free to text and anonymous! I don’t think there’s one answer to giving yourself purpose, it is a very hard life and I don’t blame you for feeling incapable or bored or worried or anything you’re feeling, but I do for sure know you can do this, because I can do it, if that makes sense. Like I bet we’re extremely different people on account of uniqueness but also bet we have so many similarities!! And I certainly don’t mind guessing that you’re a loving, caring, person who deserves to feel more fulfilled. It’s my recommendation that you try to understand why you’re not feeling your best right now, that you talk to someone if you can, that you have some faith in yourself, and that you treat yourself with the same love and patience as you would any other person experiencing burnout! again I’m so so sorry if this is all rubbish. I’m forcing myself to stop now. So sorry if it doesn’t make sense or if half of this is completely unrelated to what you’re asking. I love you and I hope you feel better, genuinely truly ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[felixcloud6288]

Dungeon Meshi Chapter 1

Oh boy! It's my first time reading this series that took Tumblr by storm. I can't wait to read about the adventures of Laios and Marcille and Chilchuck and...

who?

What do you mean there's a badass warrior lady in the party? Why did no one tell me this?

Actually, she's kinda struggling.

And she quit the team? This is the worst series ever!!

All jokes aside, the first chapter isn't wasting any time to give us the basic plot setup. The very first page gives us the bare details to give the plot an excuse to exist. By the third page, we've been given a rundown of the primary struggle the protagonists will have to overcome. By the seventh page, we have the personal reason for our protagonists to go on this journey.

So the dungeon is a great kingdom from 1000 years ago sealed away by a magician. And the reason people are exploring it is because whoever kills the magician inherits the kingdom.

I don't think the ruler of ruins is as grand a title as it sounds. This sounds like the setup to lure victims in to charge a lich's phylactery. But hopefully the story will give us more detail later.

I'm loving how the story goes over the actual logistics that would have to go into exploring an unknown area. Seriously, nothing ever talks about toilet paper.

Laios suggested Marcille and Chilchuck leave the guild so he could sell their equipment. So I guess there is an adventurer's guild that they have to be registered before being allowed to use their gear or explore the dungeon.

I guess it's more a means to get in contact with other adventurers and find job offerings and not really a union since it doesn't offer a means to rescue anyone or provide any necessities.

You have to already have money to make money as an adventurer. It's not an option for poor people.

This is a cute shot.

Laios did not hesitate to suggest they start eating monsters. He's coming up with every excuse he can to justify it because he's embarrassed that he just wants to know how they taste.

I do like the simple justification that there must be a natural food chain in the dungeon for creatures to survive in it and therefore people should be able to sustain themselves in there as well.

The first of what I imagine will be many tantrums from Marcille. She's so different from chapter 0 where she wasn't bothered at all and seemed to even enjoy eating monsters.

Senshi had been listening when Laios suggested eating monsters and was just looking for an opportunity to introduce himself. I can just imagine he was minding his own business when he suddenly heard Laios talk about eating monsters and Senshi just inched closer and closer into the conversation until the autistic need to talk about his special interest overtook every inhibition he had. Especially when Laios was doing it wrong.

That's a pretty cool concept for a slime. I guess it's based on a slug with how it has a foot for moving around. The actual body is super transparent. When Senshi killed it, he was grabbing at a certain spot in the slime. I guess he was feeling for where the slime was most firm so he knew where to stab the actual body.

Someone asked if the dungeon has been around for ten years. I'll have to make a note of that if it ever comes up.

The chapter is not being completely consistent with what anyone's hands are doing at a given moment. For example, Laios pulled his monster manual out of his armor using his left hand while holding the mushroom monster in his right, but then he handed the manual to Chilchuck using his right hand. Later, Laios was using his left hand to try carving the mushroom, but in the next panel, he's using his right instead.

My best guess is Laios and Marcille are right-handed while Senshi is ambidextrous. He cut the slime and chopped the scorpion using his left hand, but he cut and chopped the tree branches with his right.

Laios definitely prefers holding things in his left hand and his sword is placed for right-handed use. Marcille holds her staff in either hand depending on the situation. If she expects combat, it's in her right hand, otherwise it's in her left.

I haven't seen Chilchuck do anything of note with his hands, but I'm guessing he's right-handed since that's the hand he was holding utensils with.

Note to self: Don't read this series while hungry.

back

[sukifoof]

I was thinking about Asriel as the Royal Scientist, and I remember in one post you said in the tags, how you considered drawing him as one for your Asriel survives AU, before saying you can't imagine him holding down any job without freaking out

Now, I'm not asking you to draw him anyway, I'll be fine either way. It is just important context cuz that's what gave me my personal thoughts right now about him, and I wanted to spread them because I think they're optimistic in the end, if cliché and generic (warning, I'm really bad at sympathizing with other people, so I might be just, completely wrong about what I say next)

I have little doubt Asriel would be very lost at first about what he is going to do with his life now that The Barrier is gone. Typical confusion after exiting a time loop, compounded by the years of untouched trauma and other mental health issues. Maybe spiralling further as he may consider himself a burden for all those problems he can't handle on his own

He would try resuming being The Prince, go back to what he thinks people want of him, but it's not going to work, he distrusts himself too much after everything he has done. When he inevitably fails, he hits a new low. But eventually, perhaps with Frisk's encouragement, he finds it in himself to open up about it, talk to other people, seek help

Alphys, who in a very real sense is his creator (slightly more metaphorical in this AU, but she's still the one who woke him up from his coma), and one of the few people who know how he works, might be one of the first people that Asriel speaks to about his problems, feeling that she'd understand. They talk to each other about the regrets that they have, bonding over similar troubles, and maybe shared interests (bonding as friends. Alphys is faithful to her wife, and Asriel is on the aspec, so it doesn't go further)

At some point one of them might just naturally suggest that Asriel help out around the lab, and while he's helping, and they're talking with each other, Alphys realizes just how much knowledge about all sorts of things Asriel has, and one day she offers that he become a full-time assistant at her lab. This freaks him out, and in the moment he rejects it and runs away, which both of them later despair over, in a sense of "oh god I was to hard on him/her, now I destroyed our friendship, I'm the worst, I can't do anything right"

But eventually they talk to each other about it (encouraged by their friends) and they realize that neither is harboring any resentment towards the other, and they make amends. Asriel starts out working with her part-time, and while it's initially very scary for him, and he probably has several other freakouts along the way, I think Alphys, being prone to freakouts herself, would be more than understanding. Eventually he becomes her full-time assistant after all

Hopefully combined with therapy which he really, really should receive, he eventually starts feeling good about himself again, even if it takes years to get there. And he realizes, yes, this is the job he wants to do. He can help people without actually having to be there, with a much more manageable amount of responsibility to handle. He's finally happy, as the Assistant Royal* Scientist (* although at this point it is possible that Asgore and Toriel would abdicate, seeing as their son won't take over from them, it might just be easier to end the monarchist government right then and there)

Of course, while Asriel is immortal, Alphys is not, and as the decades pass, she will get older, weaker, less able to do her job. The day when she resigns from her post to let the (physically) younger Asriel become the next Royal Scientist will be a difficult one for both of them, and even more so when she finally turns to dust, although I hope that by this point he would be better equipped to handle the loss of those close to him. It will still hurt, but I hope with new experiences and skills he's learned over the years, he'll be able to deal with that pain, or the pain when his parents or his other friends die, better than he did with the pain of Chara's death

Frankly, not being seen as royalty anymore, especially by the younger generations who won't remember monarchist rule, he might find life easier as he's no longer so isolated as he was as a prince, no longer has to reach the same standards as before

The trauma, and other pain that follows, they will never fully leave him, but he's got a quite literal eternity to learn how to live with them and not let them control his life. And if mortals can do it, then I think he too can, over the course of several years, or even decades, figure it out. I think, as fucked up as he is, at the end of this nightmare road there is happiness waiting for him, however long it takes him to get there. I just want him to be happy goddammit. And I think that a 30-or-40-something Asriel will be happy

Thanks you for listening to my TED talk, and have a magical day

HI IVE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THIS FOR SO LONG CUZ ITS SO GOOD AND IN CHARACTER!!! u are so right for this i LOVE this i dont have much to add on cuz ur points are all so good. asriel has so many issues and i think he would probably feel a Bit Better if he was able to put his knowledge to use to help people and it might help him come to terms with death a little better..... anyway they are siblings and they occasionally bother each other. extremely kind mayor who took over after papyrus and local freak scientist who is seemingly some kind of sludge <3 i may draw more of this when i get the chance cuz the idea of these middle aged freaks is so funny to me i love them dearly

[amelikos]

Spinel posting.

Something, something, Spinel observing his surroundings and using people's traits, qualities, and feelings against them. I think I brought it up a while ago, but I just love how much this whole situation shows that Spinel knows people, and in this situation Amethio... that he has observed him enough, and knows him well enough, that he knew that if he trapped Amethio and Liko together, Amethio would set their beef aside and work together with Liko to escape. Which means that Spinel would have the blackmail material to frame him. I think it's great. Spinel is aware of his surroundings, but in a bad way because he'll use that against you (he used Amethio's kindness against him!).

I still have questions about him and I wonder what's wrong with him (affectionate). My interpretations are challenged every time and with the whole "Amethio is special to Gibeon so he was bound to get in our way" (from HZ064) and the PR posting about "Spinel seems to show loyalty towards Gibeon, but is hostile towards Amethio", I'm not sure what to think anymore. Something I thought about is that maybe Spinel was taken in by the Explorers, and just wants Gibeon's love for himself. I don't know. This whole situation with setting up Amethio feels like Spinel is jealous of Amethio's grandson status and wants to reclaim Gibeon's attention and love for himself. I'm not saying that's what will happen of course, just a thought I'm throwing out there because that crossed my mind. Or he just wants to break families apart because it's his hobby. Who knows.

Anyway, I hope they'll depict more of Spinel's character in the future, and hopefully we'll get to know more about his past or his circumstances. Let's hope he doesn't end up boring and that he'll have no "reason" for his nonsense lol. By boring, I specifically mean TR levels of boring or like the early villains in the franchise. They make me yawn. The kinds of characters who have nothing going on under the surface, with nothing to find there or to scratch. Being like that is one of the worst things a character can be for me. I just want them to make me think or try to understand what's going on with them (that's personally what I find appealing in characters). He can be fucked up idc, but he can't make me yawn basically ww (I'm just writing this out just because, this is not meant to be imagining the worst.)

Actually, Spinel makes me think a bit of green-haired villains we got in Precure recently. Which I'm bringing up because I keep going on about Horizons being a shoujo and a magical girl. Spinel makes me think of Narcistoru and Battamonda (both from the Precure franchise), green-haired ikemen who got very good arcs btw (not saying Spinel is exactly the same, just that he reminded me of them in various ways). They did villainous things in the context of their shows, and literally had to learn to be kinder ww I was satisfied with their arcs. Battamonda, especially, was a character who terrorized the main characters during an arc but there was a lot to scratch under the surface and his development beautifully connected with the wider themes of the series and with one of the main character's. Anyway, not to keep going on about Precure, but Horizons feels more like modern anime in terms of characters and trends and I see that a lot in the Explorers, in a way. They don't feel like the villains we usually got in the past games? Some of the characters in the Explorers (notably Sango, Spinel and Agate) remind me of other characters in other anime airing currently, so I feel like they are aware of stuff like this. (And I also keep going on about them knowing exactly who they are targeting with Spinel's character so...)

Anyway, where would we be without Spinel. Every time he gets involved, we get good stuff (Liko and Dot moments, and now Liko and Amethio moments).

I hope we'll learn more about him eventually... it's hard to predict what will happen or what direction they could take. They really could be going anywhere.

[treason-and-plot]

REPLIES TO CONNOR FIGURING THINGS OUT AND SOME UNRELATED WAFFLE!

First off, I'd like to express my heartfelt appreciation to @mysimsloveaffair @dandylion240 @hurricanesims @bool-prop @simbico @windermeresimblr @oasislandingresident @pixelcurious @simlicious @simsdada @nectar-cellar @percosim @wannabecatwriter @ninjaofthepurplethings @muses-circle @zosa95 @simsdada @parystrange and @anamoon63 for your sweet well wishes on my flu post. I don't think I have ever had the legit flu before, although of course I have had my fair share of colds and viruses, and it really hit me hard. Worst thing was the fever and the loss of interest in everything. I still feel a bit weak and shaky but I'm 99% better. Thank you again for helping me get through it! I love youse all!🤗 Now, on to the replies to my last story post:

@justanothersimsblog

Why lie about it? Just be the supposedly proud you are of being the side piece

Because it matters to her what Connor thinks of her despite her denials. That's also why she didn't have a cigarette on the way over, in case he smelled it on her ;=)

@wannabecatwriter

Truth hurts, especially when someone smart confronts you with it.

This particular situation must be very unsettling for Saffron, who's used to being the smartest person in the room!

@echoweaver

Well, being that she's a high school student, the other explanation would be that he knows his peers would be creeped out regardless of his marital status -- as they should be.

I don't know if that would be a deterrent to be honest- at least not amongst Aussie men. In my experience they would be high-fiving him and offering their congratulations, as vile and depressing as that sounds!

@queeniecook

Hahaha, I love this!

@oasislandingresident

I am waiting for Saffron to either burst into tears or bust out of there tbh

Saffron bursting into tears would be epic. I can't remember an occasion that she has ever burst into tears! You're probably in a better position than me to remember if it's ever happened, lol!

@simsaralove

There’s no fooling Connor!

Try and fool Perceptive Sims at your peril!

@ktarsims

LMAO - Deny it all you want because you don't want him to know, Saffron, but Connor's very perceptive. You might fool him into thinking you don't know the guy's married, but he's certain of his facts. (He's right, too.)

Also I get the feeling that once Connor has made up his mind about something it's virtually impossible to get him to budge!

@sweetnovember77

First of all, it’s none of Connor's business. Saffy, you do not owe Connor an explanation. Most, if not all, of your mistakes can be excellent learning opportunities. If Connor wants to be with you, make him earn your love. —Not badger you for it. He needs to back off.

Except they are playing Truth or Dare so she kind of agreed to be badgered when she signed up. I think one of the underlying rules of Truth or Dare is that you don't participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable and hopefully Saffy would understand that. And I totally agree that mistakes can be excellent learning opportunities, except Saffron hasn't yet realised that she has made a mistake...which is going to be potentially disastrous.

@kscriba

In a vacuum, if I didn't know Saffy, just based on her answers I would assume it's a sugar baby situation LOL

This made me guffaw! I really can't imagine Saffy being in that kind of situation though because she is so strong-willed and independent. I could actually imagine her being a sugar mama though once she becomes a wealthy and successful lawyer!!

@muses-circle

I can't decide if Connor is honestly interested in Saffron and going about it the wrong way, or if he's doing this to be a smut jerk. He's totally right (and the truth hurts), but at the same time, Saffron's there to hang out...right? IDK, something about this feels off.

I think the first line is true! It may not be immediately obvious because of his good looks and privileged aura, but he is definitely lacking in key social skills. But he does genuinely want to get to know Saffron better.

@batsheba

Busted! Me thinks Saffy do protest too much. Maybe she's a tiny bit embarrassed of the relationship or that Connor so easily figured it out?!

I also think she knows she is protesting too much but feels temporarily powerless to stop herself! Connor has really gotten her flustered. And she feels torn between wanting to stay and being scared she will expose herself further.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WAFFLE:

So I've been reading some of the comments posted in response to that aesthetics poll, and people have had some very interesting and diverse opinions. Here are a few of my thoughts.

As a storyteller my primary focus is on my writing, and editing my screenshots comes a very distant second. I have to confess though I once did try to download Reshade, around the time Sims 4 was released because as a Sims 3 blog I was hemorrhaging followers and I thought I had to up the ante as far as my screenshots were concerned to stem the flow. Anyway it froze not only my game but my entire PC, and I was so scarred by the experience I never tried again. I have never owned Photoshop either. I use Picasa and Pixlr to edit my pics and I'm generally happy with the results although I am envious of certain Simblrs who manage to combine lush photo editing skills with engrossing storytelling! But if anyone ever came into my ask box and criticized my screenshots I would reply that virtually all my creativity is expended on my writing, sorry, and if you're not following me for my Sims story you may want to reconsider that decision!

I'm probably not typical of most of the community either because I don't *get* a lot of the aesthetics that garner hundreds of notes. For content to resonate with me it has to touch something emotional, and a picture of a Sim with no context just isn't going to do that for me no matter how amazing and beautiful the edit. I'm here for Sims stories, and legacies and gameplay that communicate the lives and loves and all the idiosyncrasies and quirks of our Sims, no matter what iteration of the franchise you're into!

[kinetic-elaboration]

October 7: Tom/Daria, Cuddles

Cozytober 6: cuddles after a bad day

(I know I'm a day behind; at some point I'll skip what I'm not inspired by or possibly combine something)

Tom/Daria, ~720 words, 28 minutes

This is from my plane-thoughts 'verse (working on that title lol) but probably/hopefully doesn't require context to understand

*

They're not living together yet but the girlfriend is out of the picture. Everything is about to fall very quickly into some sort of place.

Daria's up late almost every night wondering if she should write the next great American novel, actually. If she should try to write fiction again. If she should try to submit it somewhere—or her essays, or something, fuck, the night's so claustrophobic in her little shoebox apartment, so stuffy on the sixth floor, so she still has the window open even in October. She sits right next to it and she calls Tom up. He's awake, which is somewhat of a surprise. They talk for almost two hours and only some of it is about Bromwell—none of it's about them.

She gets in the habit of it. She starts telling him about her ideas. Late at night, it's fine, it's not real.

He invites her over. That's not real, either. She passes out in his bed from sheer exhaustion, likes how the desk in the corner has all of his books on it and none of hers, none of that heavy, oppressive weight at the edge of her vision.

He keeps his window open too because she's gotten so dependent on that cold breeze to help her sleep.

On Thursday, she calls him up as soon as she gets home, right after her last class of the day. He answers on the second ring like he was waiting for her. She tells him that this all fucking sucks.

He doesn't answer for a long while, like maybe he's turning around the profanity in his head. That sneaky voice that's been waiting for something to go wrong—for him to lose his interest, now that he's learned too much of her or even just because she's not forbidden anymore, or for her to wake up—that low-down voice that likes to whisper evil things like you're going to get hurt so bad, you're going to feel the worst pain of your life, it's talking to her again.

"You want to come over and not talk about it?" Tom asks.

She furrows her brows, only briefly. "Do you have any other suggestions?"

When they made out in the stacks, he took all of a minute before sliding his leg between her legs. Tease that long and something's gotta break all at once. Wanted you from the moment I met you, he'd whispered.

She still hasn't gotten around to asking him, Do you know what that did to me?

Now she imagines him shrugging on the other end of the line. "I don't know. My bed. Some blankets..."

"All right."

Her hand's shaking a little as she sets down the phone. Not from nerves, not at all—rather, she sees it now, from a sort of relief. She already knows that as soon as she crosses the threshold, she'll be sinking into him.

In his bedroom, all the lights are off except for the desk lamp on the far side of the room, just enough to see by as she stumbles out of her boots and pulls her jacket off. Sets her glasses on his bedside table and rubs at her eyes. The air is cool just as she likes it, with that bitter outside chill that only comes on after dark. He takes off his shirt before he slides under the blankets with her, and his skin is so very warm, like maybe she's forgotten what skin feels like, or like maybe they don't make many humans just as warm as him.

She wraps her arms around him and her legs through his and she feels him breathe deep like he wants to go boneless against her, too.

His hand feels big, but gentle, when his fingers card through her hair.

"You okay?" he whispers, probably because she's shaking again. Goddamn. She says she is; it's only half the truth; the rest of it is that he feels right and she doesn't understand why.

He wraps the blankets closer around them both. She thinks about nothing but every detail she can catalogue of him. Maybe she'll write it all down later. It won't be anything like this, so warm and real.

"Yeah, you're okay," he answers for her, translates for her, promises her. "You're really okay. You're all right."

[ashtraythief]

Hi. I’m dying. I had a dream last night where you posted the end of Underneath, which should be a good dream, right? Nope. My dream gave it the worst ending possible. Jensen cheated, of all things, with someone he knows in his real life, and someone sends pictures to Jared. In a shocking twist, Jensen comes clean about everything, the cheating but also being Jensen Ackles and Jared just forgives him. I remember being so confused in my dream that you would take the story in this direction. I didn’t think Jensen would ever cheat, but if he did, I can’t imagine Jared just forgiving him. He’d burn their house to the ground he’d be so mad. I wouldn’t want to be the man that cheats on him, that’s for sure, haha. I’m still so relieved it was a dream. I checked your a03 the second I woke up, really happy there was no chapters of Underneath posted, haha. First time that’s happened. Like lying about your identity because your an FBI officer is forgivable to me, and we support it because Jared is a mob boss after all, but cheating is just not, haha. My dream self fully believed and accepted that was the ending. But anyway, ok, I don’t say this to make you stress about the ending. Whatever it is, it’s going to be great because you wrote it. I just thought this was funny and totally bizarre, so I’m sharing lol. Have you ever had underneath related dreams?

Omg nonnie, now I'm dying 😅 I'm both flattered and horrified that you dreamed about underneath and your brain came up with that. Because you're right, Jensen would never cheat and Jared would never forgive that if he did lol. There'd be murder, definitely. (tho now I'm having dark thoughts about Jensen going home trying to find his equilibrium, getting drunk with Steve and Chris, and there's this guy he used to hook up with in college and it's just--easy and Jensen needs to feel in control, not like with Jared who takes him apart every time, where Jensen doesn't have any defenses but with this guy, Jensen doesn't feel like that and it's. yeah. A way to step back, to focus. Nevermind that after he feels hollow and even worse and he stumbles to the bathroom and throws up and he's not sure whether it's the booze or the guy he fucked, and well, after, he rinses his mouth and stares in the mirror and he just wants to turn back time only he doesn't know how far, only knows that this was. wrong. But. We're not thinking about that! Because Jensen would never.)

Anyways, hopefully, if we're lucky I'll be able to wrap up the Meet Cute prequel this month (prayer circle my beta has the time to clean up the very wonky next installment) and then maybe the Pied Piper prequel next month and I don't want to jinx it, but I have been working on a fun, porny J2 timestamp so there's hope for more fic this summer. And yeah, it's inconsequential stuff, but I swear they actively resist the End, so I have to approach it covertly lol.

Thanks for your message, nonnie ❤️

[ceaseless-rambler]

Okay just watched Gomens s2 and I'm fully intending to watch it again but with a notebook tomorrow. Until then, thoughts on That Conversation. Spoilers under the cut!!

Okay first, elaboration on the notebook thing, there were several bits that made go "hmm that seems odd to leave there" or that I snagged on for various reasons and I will be collecting those and I may be red stringing them. We shall see.

And now, the Conversation. The breakup, the divorce, them not understanding each other, whatever you'd like to call it. My instinctual reaction to Aziraphale's backtracking to "Heaven is Good and just and right" despite having spent two seasons revealing that they're none of those was "heaven always did use more cult tactics." And I still think that's a solid part of it. We've seen various points where Aziraphale has been desperately appealing to the bureaucracy in Heaven because he knows it isn't right, but he just gets brushed off over and over again. When the second highest power just appears and says "you were right, actually, you've been right all along," that kind of validation is going to mean a LOT to him. He's presented validation, a supposed opportunity to fix it, and a supposed opportunity to be with Crowley on a silver platter. It seems insane not to take it.

Except, the way he talks about Heaven. Those don't sound like his words, not anymore. Maybe way earlier, but now? All the things he's seen? And the phrase "second-in-command," I cannot imagine him wanting Crowley with him as anything less than an equal. This is one of those red string things I'll probably mention later, but there's something else going on here. Apparently there's a "Metatron miracled him via coffee" theory, but that feels wrong to me too. I need a more complete picture of all the bits that stuck out to me to keep theorizing so i should move on but this really is snagging me.

Moving on before I get tangled up in that, "I forgive you" absolutely fucking broke me. That is the worst thing Aziraphale could have said. Going on about how Heaven is Good, how he can make Crowley an angel again (which is definitely coming across to Crowley as "I can fix you, I can make you Better, you aren't good enough for me like this") and then when Crowley is trying so desperately to make Aziraphale see how much he cares, that he loves him, Aziraphale responds as though this is something that must be forgiven.

To be told by the person you love that you need to be changed in order to even be around them, to be told that you are not good enough because of something you can't control but is a fundamental part of you, and then when you say you don't want to be different you just want them, they treat that as something horrible, something that they have to forgive? Maybe it's just me being queer but that hurt. And I think Crowley took it the same way I would have.

I still don't think that this is all Aziraphale. It doesn't sound like him. We know that angels can fuck with both the memories and the very existence of anyone. Maybe Metatron fucked with Aziraphale's recollections? I'm fully expecting him to have his memories yanked in s3, so this could be the beginning of that.

I do not have the energy to make sure this follows a coherent train of thought so if it doesn't, well. It doesn't. Hopefully I got my point across

[spade-deck]

I think something about growing up in a certain environment might be messing with my development

Something about always being told to develop and express my own opinions, separate from the adults around me while, at the same time, being heavily ostracized and yelled at for being "stupid and young" and having "no idea what you're talking about" when I express those opinions

Something about being told to be who I am and never let society define me, yet being actively punished and called slurs when I don't fall into the three categories of girl

Something about being told I'm just a kid and kids make mistakes sometimes, yet getting screamed at and called childish when I have a panic attack, meltdown, or literally any other form of breakdown

Being told I can always come to an adult for help, yet being called crazy and that there's "something wrong with you" and that "I seriously fucked up raising you" when I try to talk about it to someone I'm supposed to trust

There's something in the silent scorn of low grades, the very obvious comparison to siblings that makes you feel guilty cause "you're acting like your brother", as if being my brother, who I love with my very soul and has been there through literally everything bad, is the worst sin imaginable

There's something in the religious undertones to every conversation, as if disagreeing with someone older than you is a sin and that she's a parental figure so I HAVE to treat her word as gospel, or I'm disobeying God

Something in the weird superiority, the way she automatically knows everything because she's older and therefore my feelings are invalid because my mom was never like that or she wasn't, while at the same time I'm too old to do anything childish like get excited or cry

There's a silent feeling of wrongness in my body that hovers over any interaction with an authority figure, that I'm automatically wrong and they're automatically right and that just having any sort of conversation is me being a stupid kid who doesn't know anything and can't even form the "correct" opinions, and that I'm wasting their time

It goes beyond that too, my brother gave me the same feeling with my peers. That he's right, I'm wrong, and that's how it always will be. I have no opinions, no sense of self, no nothing because if I ever express that, something bad will happen.

There's so much more, this isn't a vent, just me realizing shit and I'm so tired and god I wanna go to bed

This is un-tagged so hopefully my mutuals see this before strangers do

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

This page is slowly becoming dedicated to my ex

Firstly, before everything else, the new Bruno Lady Gaga is fucking heat.

Today was eventful. Bought a bass that I had been eyeing for awhile. It's next to me now as I write. I played really bad today in the shed, though, which is a common experience but nonetheless just as painful. It's running your head into a wall. I'm dissatisfied with my playing because... I just am. I don't know, hoping tomorrow will be better. Also going to buy a piano off of my brother's boss which I'm excited about.

After that, I went out with my gym bro to like this very purposely antiquated old city. Like think cabins and a bunch of antique stores. I was looking for a typewriter — still am as of writing this — but because of its aesthetic this city was very touristy and, thus, had a really nasty tourist tax. It's a nice cute area, though. My gym bro also made me a really cute card and brought me cute gifts and I feel bad since I didn't have anything for her and I wish I acted more appreciative of the gifts when I got them; I appreciate them a lot, don't get me wrong, but I wish it had shown more pellucidly.

My gym bro's parents were also accompanying us; they drove us. And often my mind kept getting overcome by thoughts of relationships. My gym bro's parents are in a very good relationship (I can't say the same about my parents), and my gym bro has been dating someone for four years. I can't even imagine myself yet in something that long lasting. Like yes I desire that and I want to have that, but I've never been in a relationship for more than seven months. Like how do you guys do that. I can't even conceptualize that as anything more than something I long for.

My gym bro asked me randomly the day before for five of my crushes and I listed four guys and Suni Lee. A part of her gift for me was those four and Suni in a "smash cake". I appreciate it greatly, but also I began suffering from the way it served as a mirror, a vessel for introspection. Because I wanted Suni so badly. And the four other men were still so attractive to me and my eyes flickered between all five of them like an indecisive fruitfly hovering over a fruit basket, but my heart felt a rush for her that I hadn't felt for any of the other men.

Like I want a really masc girlfriend. A really gay girlfriend. And my ex could act like that perfectly before being a man the day after and like I felt like they were made just for me. I am slowly becoming a dedication to my ex.

Anyways, I might busk tomorrow with my friend if she's up for it. Me and her could've been a couple once, but I fumbled it; and a large part of me is convinced that we'd still be together today and our lives would be so unlike the ones we live right now had I just been better; had I known to make the right decisions. But perhaps it's better that we are here right now the way we are.

Truthfully, I'd rather have her cancel tomorrow, so I can ask my coworker if I can come in and work with her tomorrow, and hopefully she'd have found no one to come in and take that other half because honestly I think I might be in love with her and it's so stupid and unbearable because she's gay and I'm gay and like being a guy who falls in love with your lesbian best friend is the worst thing in the world you could ever do and like any sort of romantic feelings I have for her disintegrate the moment my image of her in these fantasies becomes more concrete. But I don't know. I dream a lot about transitioning and then the two of us becoming a thing; or me dressing as a woman for my gig and her accidentally falling in love with me as a woman, not knowing it is actually me.

And like I think this just epitomizes the fact that I constantly fall in love with the wrong people, and that I'll never get right who I fall in love with. I'm a dedication to my ex.

[valla-chan]

copying this from my own tags cause actually i want to talk about this on the post after all.

Warning: Long text! feel free to skip!

I feel like having one parent of one kind and one of the other made me this fucking mess that i am now, in a way. It was never explicit or outright but it Never Needed To Be.

I would get harassed for my nails and hair and mannerisms and be made the butt of jokes that i didnt understand by one parent, and then the other would tell me im great the way i am. i guess also there was some kind of ongoing speculation between them as to what my sexuality was?? i do remember that.

It really created this strong, unrelenting feeling that i have a very narrow path to tread before people begin speculating on the different ways that i'm actually somehow fucked up or weird in an unlovable way, but as long as i tread lightly then i can toe the line.

of course, my life has improved since then because they split when i was a preteen (#aayyyy) but it did last long enough to do damage...

(otherwise how else do you explain trying to always "lose people's trail on you", when you feel like theyre onto stuff going on in your head? Trying to maintain the image people have of you, so they dont fall apart at how disgusting you actually are, or instead start drawing uncomfortable connections that will lead to them to that realization anyway? “Finding out”? Finding out what? Who the fuck knows by now! but theyre gonna find me out! and then theyre gonna hate me!)

Results?

For at least a decade and a half everyone has been “Going to Find It Out” about me and i have no fucking clue what that means anymore. because ive already come out and transitioned n shit, and ive been fine for it. that was like my biggest secret for a while. But that feeling of people i care about "finding out" is real enough to keep me from doing anything! (other than hrt cause i woulda literally have offed myself if i had to live even 5 more years as a guy... so thank fuck for the support yknow lol cause otherwise i would have figured out some DIY shit under the table by then. but other, more surface level pursuits still feel off the table, because they are not motivated by literal death if i dont do them in time.)

But its like... the damage is already done.

ive got a supportive family. even the worst of most of them have come around.

But those mental patterns are Mine now. Those thoughts are not theirs to take back anymore.

I have internalized those years of uncomfortable treatment into my own mind and how i work. thats on me now, and im trying to explore and help myself now and its hard.

So make sure to constantly tell your kids that you would love them even if they turned into a fuckin slug. And more importantly, that you accept them and promote them for everything they want to stand for even if you dont agree. Cause MAN, even for maybe not intending to do anything wrong、that shit influenced and ruined every interaction and decision in my life since! Theres no taking that back, even if done on accident through just being a goober parent influenced by current social norms! So imagine doing that level of harm on purpose!

You will create a kid that doesnt have to wonder on the extent of the bounds of how much they will be loved, they will KNOW those bounds. They will feel those bounds in every decision they make and every choice they consider. They will know FOR SURE that they will not be loved for themselves、and that will be on YOU.

and a word of advice, love their potential too... love their choices and their visions and the people they look up to. Cause people change. They are designed to.

you cant just love someone for who they are now and not those other things、or they will be stuck in trying to be that person for life.

And to anyone who reads this who knows me, hi! If this says anything about me as a person, then good! It should!

I think that my mid 20s are going to be some of the most intense self reflection ive had yet, and hopefully that actually goes somewhere unlike how it never does. so forgive, me voices and memories, for becoming someone who i like and who the people i hate don't.