#hope nobody minds me @'ing them

[bangfantanfic]

Our Own World: Chapter 12.

Warnings: Possible mentions of stalkingand yandere behaviour.

tags; @miss-jupiter @imagine-forlife @blaaiissee @millenniumspec @toughbook @darkuni63 @badbyeyoongi @iloverubberduckiez-blog @missseoulite @singukieee @potterbrooke @suhappysuho @doublebunv @sevenpersona @blancflms @childfmoonn @caffeineandreveries @cryingpages @gato-dumbo @xicanacorpse @devilzliaison

A/N; I am alive! Thank you all for being so patient, life has been life-ing and I cannot say it's been enjoyable lmao. I hope this update is okay, please let know! I am also currently going through Our Own World and my other works editing everything! So there may be some changes, so please bare with me while everything is a bit messy. If you would like to be removed or added to my taglists please let me know <3

Being holed up in Jimin’s room had surprisingly been a nice refresher. The only person coming and going from the room had been Jimin, taking clothes to his roommates, bringing fresh clothing to you, and meals whenever they were ready. He spent nearly every second glued by your side, chatting away like he had known you his entire life. He had millions of questions, wanting to know every intimate detail about the life you lived before finding yourself stuck here, although he worded it much nicer. 

In turn, you asked Jimin a million and one questions. You asked about his life, what it was like living with your brother, did he have hobbies, and of course, questions regarding life as a hybrid. You hadn’t ever spent much time around normal animals despite the never-ending line of pets your parents bought home, and so obviously hybrids were a whole new ballgame. Jimin had been thrilled by your interest, answering every question��in length and always making sure you understood everything. The hybrid had shown you so much patience and care, more than you had expected or ever even experienced before. It had been a shock and left you feeling embarrassed and ashamed of the way you had behaved around them all. 

Growing up, despite your parents' interest in hybrids, they never got any. Nobody you knew had hybrids— well obviously other than your brother but his ownership over them had been a surprise! You had very little knowledge of them, only what you had learned through the media, which even you should have known wasn’t the most reliable source at times. All your information, the knowledge you thought you had? Useless. You may as well have watched Fox News all your life. Thankfully, Jimin didn’t seem to mind your lack of knowledge, in fact, he seemed thrilled to share everything he could with you. The two of you had started to form a surprising bond. 

For the first time in almost a week, you woke up alone. It had left you feeling strangely disappointed. The first night you had spent in Jimin’s shared bedroom, he had insisted you sleep in his bed, and you both had bickered for a ridiculous amount of time until you caved in. By the second day, he had rejoined you in his bed, being careful to keep his distance. It was sweet. By day four you were waking up to Jimin curled up around your body, his nose buried into your neck, his hot breath tickling your skin. Strangely enough, you weren’t bothered by the skinship. Your skin didn’t crawl at his touch, even the gentle brushes of his tail on your calf. It was almost comforting. Jimin had picked up on the change in attitude toward touch, slowly amping up his skinship. 

But it was strange to wake up to the disturbed routine you had so briefly experienced. Usually, you woke up before Jimin, the fox hybrid stayed up later than you and slept in longer. Today was different. Deciding to shrug it off, you rolled across the bed blindly reaching for your phone on the bedside table. The blinding white light from your screen caused the device to slip from your hands for a moment before you recovered from temporary blindness. Speedily scrolling through the notifications on your lock screen, your thumb froze upon noticing a familiar name. 

HY- U free today? Was thinking about going on a walk… u interested? 

Staring at the words, rereading, and then reading one more time, you threw the blanket off your body, throwing yourself upward. You still texted the man from the grocery store, Hanyoon, nearly every day, unfortunately, you hadn't run into him again since your first meeting. Covid’s lockdown rules had thankfully finally started to ease up. Whilst masks and international travel still hadn’t gone back to normal, you were allowed to roam the streets again... Exercising for a few hours outside of the house in the neighborhood you lived in was encouraged. Getting out of the house was just what you needed, even if it was with a man you had only met once. Keeping yourself cooped up like this was crazy, of course, it was. Jay wasn’t able to return anytime soon, and just because Hoseok and Jeongguk had scared the shit out of you, it didn’t mean you should close yourself off to the others who hadn’t done anything wrong. A day out was exactly what you needed to clear your head. 

Y/N- sounds great! Whenever you're ready :)) 

Dropping your phone back onto the mattress, you stumbled out of the bed, ankle snagged in one of many blankets that Jimin kept all over the bed. You made a quick mental note to fix his bedding when you got back. Digging through the pile of your dirty clothes that had been shoved behind the door, you found a decent enough outfit. Sure, you could go to your bedroom but the fewer stops the better. If you could avoid alerting the whole house of your departure that would be ideal. 

You were thankful for the one sink in the ensuite that still worked, getting to quick work brushing your teeth. Unfortunately, your hair was disgustingly greasy, but with no time to shower you would just have to steal some of Jimin’s dry shampoo and pray it could fix the cesspool on top of your head. Not bothering with makeup, knowing your unfit ass would sweat it all off, you were quick to ditch your glasses in favor of contacts. Deeming yourself presentable for the public, you quickly grabbed your phone from Jimin’s mattress. Hayoon’s contact alerted you to his arrival at the park nearby. 

To your complete surprise, you managed to make it out of the house without a single soul making an appearance. If you didn’t know any better, you would have assumed the house was empty. Knowing better than to test your luck, you had been quick to slip into your sneakers by the door, taking off down the driveway. Despite enjoying Jimin’s companionship the past week, you craved normal human interaction. Jimin was a sweetheart, but there was something that lingered under that sweetness that often left you feeling uneasy. It could just be you overthinking, subconsciously comparing him to his two packmates that had spooked you, but you weren’t going to completely ignore your gut. You had learned to be better than that. 

“Y/n!” 

A grin pulled at your lips as you locked eyes with Hayoon, your legs picking up pace to meet him faster. Hayoon looked good, dressed in loose black shorts and a baggy white tee. His hair which had been completely buzzed off the first, and last, time you saw him had started to regrow. Thick dark hair had started to flower across his head, making you wonder what kind of style his hair had been before it had been shaved off. 

“Hayoon, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting?” You asked sheepishly, keeping a little space between your bodies. 

He waved you off, smiling down at you. You forgot how tall he was, definitely an inch or so taller than Namjoon. You weren’t short, in fact, you were considered tall for a woman in your country, but Hajoon made you feel tiny, something you couldn't say happens often. 

“Nah, I haven’t been here long.” He assured you, gently bumping into your shoulder as he started to walk along the dusty path. The crunch under his shoes finally jolted your legs into gear after what seemed to be a moment of short-circuiting when the skin of his arm brushed against yours. 

The sun felt amazing on your skin, something you never thought you could say. Even the gentle breeze didn’t bother you. It was still early, the only other people in the park being an elderly couple walking with their arms linked up ahead. Despite how warm it already was, the couple were dressed in thick coats as if braving the city's harsh winter. Watching the way they interacted so freely with one another warmed your heart, they seemed so in love. Growing old didn’t seem as scary if you did it with someone you loved. 

Hayoon must’ve been watching the same scene as you, a soft smile on his lips as he admired the affectionate couple ahead. A comfortable silence had settled over the two of you rather quickly, and you were grateful. Something you liked about Hayoon was how easy it was with him. There were no forced conversations, no bitterness over slow responses. There were many similarities between the two of you, making it almost effortless to keep any conversation going. Any differences were discussed, debated, and settled. Those differences weren’t drastic, nothing that could end the bond that slowly was forming. 

A sound of disgust broke your thoughts, Hayoon’s eyes were still looking toward the elderly couple, only now a third person had appeared. A short woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties had been walking in front of them and now separated off to the left with her arm linked with the elderly woman, the two admiring a shrub of flowers. The short woman had pretty honey-colored hair with ears of the same color poking out– a hybrid. 

Hayoon looked down at you, an apologetic look on his face. His tanned cheeks had a cute pink flush to them. “Sorry– I didn’t mean to.” He stumbled over his words, his cheeks going brighter in embarrassment. 

“Not a fan?” You laughed, glancing back toward the elderly woman and her hybrid. 

Hajoon snorted, shaking his head. He kept quiet as you approached the trio, waiting until a good distance had been made before he answered your question. 

“It’s just.. Weird?” He sighed, his thick brows pulling together. “It’s not natural.” 

Humming, you found yourself agreeing. Hybrids were a strange concept, you found it incredibly difficult to understand why anyone would go out of their way to warp genetics in such a way. What was the real reason for creating such a mess of DNA? Only to ban them twenty years later? What was the reason for banning them? They were a hot commodity, every facility selling out within weeks, the waitlists being years long. The money the government had made from their creation had been staggering, and yet twenty years later facilities were shut down and forced to stop producing. The last few generations were sterilized, and the older generations were also encouraged to be as well. The government was trying to completely erase their creations without an explanation. As anyone could imagine, it didn’t go down well with the public. Hybrid trading has become a huge issue over the last few years, with huge rings being found and shut down every few days. 

What about Jay’s hybrids? When exactly did he get them, and where from? They were all born before the ban, that much you knew. So maybe he got them legally? Did he follow the government's advice, suggesting (demanding) to have all hybrids sterilized? Jay seemed to want to hide the fact that he owned hybrids, was it because of how many he had? Maybe there was a limit on how many hybrids a person could own that you weren't aware of. Seeing the elderly couple out with their cat hybrid, not a concern in the air, had you confused as to why the seven back home were kept under lock and key. Was it because of their breeds? They were all exotic animals, the laws might apply differently to different breeds. After the ban on hybrids, many laws shifted, and still to this day they are constantly changing, it is difficult to keep up to date. 

The topic of hybrids and Hayoon’s opinions on them piqued your interest. You were still clueless on the topic, no matter how much research you did into it you still felt uneducated on it all. Hayoon had been an excellent source of information, leaving you almost speechless on how much he seemed to know about them. If there was one thing you admired about the man, it was how educated he was on all topics. He always made sure to have himself as well informed as possible before making an opinion, he was a pool of knowledge. He never looked down on you for things you didn't know or understand and explained things as many times as you needed. It reminded you of Namjoon. 

A knot of anxiety pulled at your stomach. Had they noticed you were gone? Were they upset... Maybe you should have told someone, or at least left a note. You know Namjoon has a shitty old phone that's shared amongst the group, but you never bothered to get the number for it. You hadn’t seen a need for it, the only time you had spent away from any of them was to go get groceries. A part of you also just didn’t want them to have your number, the thought of them being able to contact you in the only time you had alone was distressing. Quickly shrugging off your concerns, you turn your attention back to Hayoon who had thankfully not noticed you spacing out. 

They’re fine, they’re grown men, and they can live without you for a few hours. 

“She’s gone!” 

Namjoon slammed his laptop shut, glaring up at Jimin for bursting into the bedroom he was temporarily residing in until Y/N was ready to go back to her own. 

“Have you forgotten how to knock?” He snapped, earning a frustrated hiss from the young fox. 

“Are you deaf!” He shot back, tugging at his hair. “Y/N is gone, I can’t find her anywhere!” 

Jimin’s panic was already distressing enough, the emotion suffocating the room the longer he stood in the doorway, but the anxiety that flooded his nerves was enough for him to feel bile rising in his throat. Namjoon had heard one less heartbeat when he woke up late this morning, but he had pinned it down to either one of the boys had gone walking at the back of the property, somewhere too far for his hearing to pick up, or Jeongguk was sleeping so deeply that his heart had slowed to almost nothing again– a common occurrence when the snake hybrid had a late night. The possibility of it being your heartbeat missing hadn’t even crossed Namjoon’s mind. You had been locked away in his bedroom for some time now, nobody but Jimin had seen you, and nobody would have suspected you leaving. The smell of your fear still lingered upstairs, Jimin would herd everyone downstairs before you would agree to go use the upstairs bathroom to shower. Going as far as making Jimin stand guard on the door until you were done. When did you lose that anxiety? 

Ripping the blanket, Namjoon’s laptop hit the floor as he jumped off the mattress. “Where have you looked?” 

“I’ve been through the yard, the kitchen, our bedroom, and all of downstairs. I haven’t checked Jeongguks room, I was on my way–” 

Namjoon was speeding down the hallway before the fox could finish his sentence. This was a new kind of fear he had never experienced before, his throat closing up and his eyes burning. His lungs were on fire, struggling to keep up with how quickly he was breathing. At the end of the hall was Taehyung and Jeongguk’s room, the door shut and only the sound of one heartbeat fluttering peacefully. Had you found your way into their room? Maybe you had gotten lost and ended up in the wrong bedroom? These things happen all the time! He’ll open the door and you’ll be curled up in someone's bed, and the crisis will be averted. 

With the force that Namjoon pushed open the door, he almost fell flat on his face. Stumbling into the room, his eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness, squinting as he took in two groggy men peeking out from their blankets. 

“Hyung, what the fuck?” Jeongguk groaned, his heart going from nearly stopped to racing. 

“Well, is she there?” Jimin huffed, shoving past his leader to look for himself. To his great disappointment, the room held no signs of you ever being there. Cursing, Jimin shoved past Namjoon, his usual gratefulness replaced with clumsy heaviness. 

“What’s his problem?” Taehyung whined, pulling his blanket over his head to shield himself from the brightness of the hall. 

Namjoon, for the first time in his life, couldn’t find words. You’re not here. There are seven heartbeats, not eight. The knot in his stomach tightened, the bile in his stomach rising higher and higher. When did you leave, how long has it been? Your car is still here, you couldn’t have gotten far. How didn’t anyone hear you leave? A house full of hybrids and not a single one heard you get up and out the front door? 

Impossible. 

“Did you hear anyone leave the house this morning?” He asked as calmly as possible, the shake in his voice far more noticeable than he would have liked. Both grunted out no’s, begging the elder male to close the door. 

It was Jeongguk, finally ripping the blanket off his head ready to start a war over the damned door still being open, that noticed Namjoon’s pale sweaty skin. He looked like he was about to projectile vomit. Frowning, the snake hybrid slinked out of bed and heaved his tired body toward his sickly leader. Pressing the back of his cold hand against Namjoon’s forehead, he sighed in relief. He wasn’t running abnormally hot, so it wasn’t a fever or some kind of sickness. Even with his less advanced hearing, he could still hear the erratic beating of his hyung’s heart. 

“Joonie, you okay?” He murmured, his hand cupping the back of the man's neck as he tried to get closer to assess him better. “You don’t look so good…” 

The concern in Jeongguk’s usually smug tone had Taehyung flying into a sitting position, his hair standing in every possible direction. His puffy eyes zeroed in on his pack leader, his brows pulling together in concern. 

“Is he sick?” 

Jeongguk shook his head, keeping his eyes on the wolf hybrid. Gently squeezing at the muscle in his neck, the snake hybrid was starting to get antsy. “Hey, come on. Talk to us, we can’t help if you don’t tell us what's wrong.” He cooed, the money hybrid making a sound of agreement from behind. 

Namjoon’s tongue pressed against his cheek, his eyes going glassy. He couldn’t get his tongue to work, he couldn’t get himself to say the words his packmates needed to hear. How could he admit to everyone that he had lost you? He could hear Jimin tearing through Jay’s room downstairs, Hoseok and Seokjin hot on his heels trying to calm the younger man down. They didn’t know what was happening either, nobody else had figured it out. 

“We can’t find Y/n.” 

[unformula1]

drunk text, drunk call, drunk oscar (LS2 x OP81)

oscar only calls logan when he’s drunk. logan goes to get oscar, he overhears things he doesn’t want to.  w/c: 1817 day 45 of loscar posts until we get a loscar podium(series masterlist) masterlist | a/n: man i really should post more, also sorry if this is an inaccurate depiction of being drunk. this was not supposed to be this long.

Logan’s phone vibrates on the bedside desk, his ringtone playing softly. He sighs, almost grumbles before he sits up and grabs his phone.

oscar piastri🐨 is calling

Logan sighs and checks the time. 11pm, right on cue.

He picks up the phone and takes a deep breath before speaking.

“Hello Oscar.” Logan says, smiling, hoping the energy transfers correctly, “Where are you right now, and how many drinks have you had?”

“Oh hi…” Oscar says, his voice slightly slurred.

“Is Lando there? Alex, maybe?” 

“Nooo, I want you-” Oscar says before abruptly cutting to take a breath.

Oscar’s drunk. Of course Oscar’s drunk, Oscar only calls Logan when he’s drunk.

Logan lets out a chuckle, “No… Is anyone with you?”

“Uhm- Lando’s here, I think.” Oscar says with deep breaths, “But I really want you here…”

“No, no you don’t Oscar, you’re just drunk.” Logan says, his voice slightly cracking.

Of course he wished Oscar actually liked him, but Oscar was too good for Logan. Logan was just some nobody on the grid and Oscar was the grid’s golden child. 

“Logieeeeee….” Oscar pulls out the nickname, the old nickname.

Logan sighs.

“Osc. I need you to find Lando.” Logan says slowly.

“Lando calls me Osc too!” Oscar says cheerfully. Logan wipes the single tear that he shed. 

He didn’t even know he shed a tear, it just happened. Guess a lot of things just happen. Logan really missed Oscar, and he missed when Oscar would call anytime, not just when he was drunk or out of his mind.

“Yes…” Logan fakes a chuckle, “Find Lando please.”

“I don’t know where he is…” Oscar says, slurring more words, “Can you just come over…”

“I can’t. You know what, I think Alex is there.” Logan says, thinking out loud.

Oscar doesn’t respond.

“Yea,” Logan says, “Stay where you are Oscar.”

Logan hopes Oscar heard him and hangs up.

He’s immediately faced with their call log, which is once every few weeks, at 11pm or around there. All of them, just because Oscar was drunk.

He quickly closes it and calls Alex.

“Hey Alex, you’re at the party… thingy- whatever.” Logan asks, awfully happily.

“Yes, question is, where are you?” Alex says.

“Tired, in my room.” Logan quickly diverts, “Well, Oscar is there somewhere and drunk, please make sure he doesn’t die or anything.”

Alex chuckles, “Okay. I’ll find him, he’s probably with the rest.”

“Yea… yea. Cool.” Logan says.

“Mhm, I see him…” Alex says after a while.

“Great. So take good care of him, okay?” 

“Mhm, but why don’t you just come over, you could join the party too- I mean, win win.”

“Wasn’t invited, didn’t wanna go anyway!” Logan says, his voice crack betraying him once again.

“Really?”

“Gotta go!”

Logan hangs up before he gets a response, he instantly buries his face into the pillow, placing his phone back onto the bed-side table.

He screams into his pillow.

Yea, he wasn’t invited. That was the truth. The lie was that he didn’t want to go. Truth was he wanted to go.

Everyone was there, except Logan. What a loner Logan was.

Logan sighs and sits upright on his bed. He stares into the blank space, hating every detail of his life.

—

“Mate, where’s your teammate?” Lando asks, pointing at Alex.

“Uh…” Alex hesitates, “He’s tired.”

“From DNF-ing?” Lando comments and Carlos almost instantly smacks his shoulder.

“He’s drunk, sorry, he didn’t mean that.” Carlos quickly says.

Alex nods, “It’s all cool.”

Oscar is laid down next to Alex, well he’s not really laid, he’s just sprawled over the bench.

Alex whips his phone back out, opening Logan’s chat.

Alex: seriously, where are you.

—

Logan grunts, his phone chime snapping him back to reality. Okay, maybe that was for the better, his mind was spiralling.

He violently picks up his phone and opens the message.

Logan: my room Alex: you should come over Alex: its not too late

Logan’s fingers hover over the keyboard, he doesn’t know what to say. Going there would just be social suicide, no one would talk to him anyway.

Alex: everyone’s asking where you are Logan: mourning

Logan gives himself a small chuckle at his joke.

Alex: mateeee Alex: please just come over Alex: it’s like 5 minutes from the hotel Alex: pleaseeeee

Logan doesn’t know everyone on the grid really well, but he knows them well enough to know they don’t want him there.

Logan: it’s not like me being there would make any difference Alex: mateeee what are you sayingg Logan: would anyone talk to me Alex: oscar would Alex: he’s a lil eepy now though

Logan lets out a self depreciating chuckle.

Logan: he would only talk to me BECAUSE hes eepy Logan: he’d go back to lando after 2 seconds anyway Alex: dont say that Alex: just comeeee Logan is adamant about not going. Alex: oscar just asked me where you were Alex: what do i say

Logan scoffs and then sniffles slightly.

Logan: say i’m not there and he can talk to lando

A few seconds pass, which Logan assumes Alex is using to tell Oscar what he sent, or he’s telling Oscar that Logan was a bastard.

Alex: yea no he wants YOU Alex: so you should come over Logan: no. Alex: at least come to bring him back to his room Logan sighs. That wouldn’t hurt him, and would also give him an opportunity to talk to Oscar, even if he was slightly not present in the mind. Logan: fine. give me 10. Alex: yay!

Logan slips on a sweater, which he thinks looks half decent, slips on some shoes and quickly walks over to the bar.

—

He double checks the bar for the 3rd time before walking in.

He scans the crowd quickly and sees the whole bunch of them gathered around in a circle.

He swiftly makes his way over.

Logan finds himself walking in on a conversation which is most likely about him, none of them really notice he’s there yet.

“...and so, I’m just saying he should probably take a few weeks, or years, off!” someone (one of the driver’s friends, probably) says, his hands speaking more than his mouth.

Carlos notices Logan’s presence and whacks the person.

“I raise a point! Being slow is normal but being that slow is just not ok. DNF after DNF.” he repeats.

Carlos clears his throat violently.

“He’s not talking about you.” Carlos says to Logan.

The drivers look up and see Logan standing there. He’s still standing there stupidly, processing what he just heard. They all exchange glances, not sure how they were gonna save this situation.

Logan’s lost in thought. That was about him. They were talking about how Logan shouldn’t be in F1. 

Logan musters every remaining bit of strength in him to not break down, but to smile innocently.

Alex stands up, lifting Oscar up as well. Oscar groans before seeing Logan and waves.

Logan smiles and subtly nods to him.

“So you decided to come?” Lando says.

Carlos prepares his hand just in case he needs to whack Lando.

Alex answers for Logan, “He’s here to get this eepy Oscar out of here.”

“Really? Just that?” 

Logan nods.

“C’mon! Where’s the life in you? Just cuz you didn’t finish doesn’t mean you can’t join us.” 

Carlos facepalms and whacks Lando again.

Logan forces another smile.

A strong assumption to start.

“I’m just… tired.” Logan says.

The tension grows ever so slightly as each second passes.

Logan sighs. He knew coming here was a bad idea. His presence probably ruined whatever vibe they had going on.

“I’m- uh,” Logan points to Oscar, “Gonna take him and go.”

Oscar walks over to Logan and stumbles into him. Logan supports Oscar as they walk off.

“Way to ruin it.” Alex glares at Lando.

“What!? I didn’t mean any harm!” 

Alex rolls his eyes.

“Now he thinks we hate him.” Carlos says.

—

“Logie you came!!” Oscar says as Logan walks with him on the sidewalk.

Logan nods, he doesn’t know how long he can last before he tears up.

“I missed you!!” Oscar smiles and hugs Logan. The positions are awkward since they’re both walking.

“You’re very drunk.” Logan comments.

“Just a few drinks.” Oscar says.

Logan nods.

—

The duo eventually get to Oscar’s room. Logan slowly leads Oscar over to his bed and sets him down. 

Logan hesitates asking a question he has been keeping in his head, he’s not very sure if Oscar would even know.

“What…” Logan starts, which piques Oscar’s interest, “What did they say about me?”

Oscar takes a deep breath, “Uhm, I don’t know, it was pretty blurry.”

“Yea… that’s okay then…”

Logan’s mind can’t help but replaying what the person said about him, and everything else. Lando’s comments, his race, the different things he’s heard people say about him.

Logan’s too tired for it, he unknowingly starts tearing up.

“Aw. Why are you sad. I’m sorry.” Oscar says.

Logan snaps back and quickly wipes away his tears. 

“No- Nothing.” Logan quickly assures.

“I’m sure they all love you!” Oscar does his attempt at comforting.

Logan chuckles dryly.

Oscar pushes himself up and hugs Logan. Logan’s a little surprised but he hugs back shortly after, gripping tightly.

He doesn’t want this to end. He wants to stay here. He doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow and not have Oscar anymore. 

Everything would’ve been so much easier if he wasn’t such a shitty driver.

“I love you.” Oscar says.

Logan doesn’t know what to say, but he starts tearing up again.

He knows Oscar doesn’t mean that. He’s said it a million times, only when he’s drunk. 

Logan sniffles, “Yea… yea I like to think you do.”

Oscar doesn’t fully process that so he just continues hugging Logan.

It doesn’t take long before Oscar’s back to lying on his bed and about to sleep. He looks at Logan one last time as Logan smiles and leaves the room.

Logan gets back to his room quickly and there, he cries.

His back is pressed against his door as he slowly descends to the floor.

He presses the bottom of his palms onto his eyelids.

This isn’t fair. Nothing is fair.

His mind is just a mess of all the flashbacks, all the things he’s heard today.

Logan was trying his best to be better, he really was. He put his effort into everything, but nothing ever good came back. 

He’s not a bad driver, right? 

He can hear his sobs echoing in the room.

Oscar loves him, right?

He would like to believe that.

Oscar only called him when he was drunk, Oscar only said “I love you” when he was drunk. Every other day was as if Oscar never knew who Logan was.

He wanted everything to just be in his favour for once.

Logan begged for that.

[parasolemn]

doodle of Authority? it is my fav skill...

ehe. whoopsies! sorry anon it's been. A Month. and no end in sight

anyways images for you

you can probably already tell some of these are. Older. but yea. there was a lot of "well it's just a doodle I don't need to go super hard on these" and then "this is awful we need to start over" so. there's. a lot of images. most I've drawn this freak ever actually

deserved though. big thanks to my New Buddy who made me see the light like two months ago. he [LONG RAMBLE I DELETED] 🤨 UUGHHH I can't go off on a ramble about authority rn I'm unnormal about him sadly but I have so many words in my brain about him and all the other skills ue ue ue

i should post images...

i did some doodles in my book too when i was working but. eeeh? wasn't really sure if this was what you were after either... also I always take an opportunity to draw encyclopedia hi ency hi. i love throwing ency at the other skills i love thinking about skill interactions

don't mind the date on the last image I accidentally dated it 1st jan instead of 1st feb and couldn't be fucked to fix it. as I said, Old (can i even say stuff is old if it's a month old. uhm. wll i changed my art style so it counts)

parcark: nobody else is autistic about DE skills like you are they won't want to see them blorbified in an ooc but funny way. also parcark:

this was not worth a month's wait. oops.

COUGHCOUGH BY THE WAY . volition design is from @tubrasko (this wasnt the image i asked you abt btw i'm doing a larger one than this RN!!!! grins) suggestion design is from @vesli1 sorry for butchering your boy a bit I only had a pen my pencil broke 💔 empathyyy i stole from @trialofasphodel waves at you Hi ! i know both of u have seen these imgs b4 btw srry for re @ ing you the auth and drama designs are froommmm spilledkaleidoscope I won't @ that's scary.cough

love him. ok bye anon !! i hope you don't mind i know these aren't the best quality o7

[vitentia]

MEDDLE ABOUT .lıllıl.

pairings ━━ street racer!ellie x fem!reader

warnings ━━ TOTALLY AND ENTIRELY inspired by the movie Culpa Mia bc I am obsessed, jealous!ellie, illegal street racing, questionably dangerous circumstances, fighting, use of a gun (not against anyone)

synopsis ━━ ellie williams, notoriously infamous street racer, wanted in many countries both by law enforcement and desire. desire for her car, her skills, her money, and especially what she could do with those hands beyond driving. luckily for you, her favorite grid girl was the only the only one she ever wanted.

playlist ━━ literally any chase atlantic song ever

Your friends excitedly pulled your arm, ooo-ing and awing at everything under the neon lights. A girl friend squealed into your shoulder as an attractive racer walked by and gave her a wink.

“Holy shit! You never told me you had such sex symbols walking your job like an all you can eat buffet.” You snorted at her and shook your head.

“All you can eat maybe but I actually have a job to do.”

“Oh, please, you mean to tell me nobody in here has tried to get with you? That you’ve never been tempted?”

You shrugged, “I never said that.”

Walking your friends over to the gathering crowd, you provided them front row seats to the open road arena and stepped away to lean your head into your favorite car.

“Williams.”

The short haired girl whistled lowly. “Aha, there’s my favorite girl. You gonna be shooting for me tonight?”

“Nah, Dina wanted to do it today.”

Ellie clicked her teeth. “Damn, I was hoping I’d see you in something sexy before I race this asshole.” She nodded her head in the direction of her opponent.

Cameron, upper middle class douchebag who thought he could win every race by being reckless and owning expensive cars. He winked at you from outside his car before sitting inside, no doubt trying to rile Ellie up.

You rolled your eyes and faced her again, “Ignore him. His fancy little cars are no match for this baby.”

“No match for my baby, you mean.” You made a confused face. “Hop in the passenger seat.”

“Woah hold on, you don’t let anyone in this car.” You responded, shock and surprise laced in your voice.

She smirked. “I’ve let you on top of it.”

Both anxious and excited, you bit your lip and looked at her blood red car. “Are you sure?”

“No time like the present, baby. Get in.”

You squealed and ran around the front of the car to get into the passenger seat, your friends shouting sexual jokes at you from afar. Once your bottom hit the plush leather seats you nearly moaned, flipping down the upward mirror, opening the dashboard, all of it was just so…exciting.

“You have been in a car before, right?” Ellie said sarcastically, watching your enjoyment.

“Yeah but never your car. It’s like a spaceship.” You gleamed, she smiled at you and shook her head, resting her arm out the window as Dina sauntered over between the two cars.

She read the basic rules and the promised dollar amount to the loser, roughly around 7k and spoke to each person in the car. When she came around you and Ellie, you leaned on the elbow rest and called out to her from the window.

“Your ass looks great in those jeans, D!” She turned around, hair whipping behind her and gave you a wink as Ellie scoffed.

“Why didn’t you tell me my ass looks good?” She asked, offended.

“It looks good, not as good as Dina’s though.” Your smirked.

Right then, she revved up the engine, hands sitting properly at the wheel and her plan already in motion. Dina stood between the two cars, raising the gun high in the air before finally breaking the tension and letting out a shot.

Before you could even blink, the car was already swiveling through the air. Your heart felt like it was in your throat as you grabbed onto the upper handle for support, but your mind was ecstatic over the adrenaline rush you got.

You didn’t even realize you were smiling and laughing until Ellie broke her concentration to admire you.

The moment fell short when Cameron’s sports car bumped roughly into Ellie’s from behind, sending you forward in your seat with your seatbelt forcing you back.

“What the fuck?” She cursed, bracing herself on the steering wheel before craning her eyes in your passenger side mirror to see.

Cameron pushed into the back of the car again, this time, his smirk visible for both of you to see.

Ellie tilted her head menacingly at him through the rear view mirror and revved up her engine, her knuckles turning white against the steering wheel as she prepared for a particularly sharp turn. You clasped the upper handle harder than before and prepared yourself for the increase in speed. Wind blew about the car dramatically and once the car finished its straight illegal turn, your butt planted on the seat and you finally allowed yourself to breath.

Ellie didn’t say a word nor look in your direction, her eyes pointedly eyeing the finish line with vigor. If you weren’t so attracted to her angry face, you’d be slightly worried.

Cameron expensive car rolled up on its side once Ellie made it past the finish line and it’s owner came out of it in anger. He slammed the door shut uncaringly and stomped over to you and Ellie like a child. You slipped next to Ellie but she lightly pushed you behind her and stood to her full height against the prissy boy.

“You fucking bitch!” He cursed

“Calling me names doesn’t help you, upper side. My money is owed.” She responded calmly, scarier than if she yelled back.

Jesse ran up in the middle and inserted himself between them. “Let it go, man. You lost fair and square.”

Cameron scoffed, unbelieving. “I ain’t giving you nothing. You or your little prostitute, Williams.”

Ellie swore her vision turned red as she revved up her arm for a mean right hook before abruptly being interrupted by Jesse holding her back.

“Not now, Els.” He whispered to her.

Cameron chuckled at her reaction and looked you up and down, sending a shiver up your spine. “Maybe I will pay for you, how much you charge a night-“

As soon as the boy started talking, Jesse mumbled something under his breath and promptly let go of the seething girl in his arms, raising them up to his sides and pressing his lips into a thin line. Without anymore resistance, Ellie swung her fist across Cameron’s jaw and a jaw dropping crack was heard from feet away. You gasped and slapped your hand over your mouth as she pushed him to the ground and pressed her black and white converse into his freshly cracked jaw.

“You’ll hear from my lawyers, you bitch.” He coughed out, barely eligible.

Ellie smirked and leaned down, hand against her knee. “I’ll be glad to tell them all you’ve been up to, Cameron Trevor Mallard Jr.” She roughly pulled her foot away and nodded towards Jesse. “Collect my money and bring it to me by tomorrow.”

No words were exchanged as she took your hand in hers and directed you to the passenger seat, opening the door and buckling you up herself before moving to her side and driving away from everyone. You looked back through the window, jaw agape.

“I’ll tell Jesse to make sure your friends get home safe, okay? I just- I just didn’t want to be alone.” She said, breaths shaking alongside her hands.

“Hey, come on, pull over. You can’t drive like this.” You said gently, putting your hand on her shoulder.

Listening to your words, Ellie pulled over to the side of a gravel road and took a deep breath. Your hand slipped under hers and examined the cuts on her knuckles, kissing them softly.

“You shouldn’t have-“

“No, I should have.” She finally looked at you. “Besides, I’ve been wanted to do put that kid in place for ages. You just gave me good reason.”

You smiled and averted your eyes from her intense gaze, but she leaned forward in her seat and brushed her nose against yours, forcing you to look at her.

“Thank you.” You whispered

She smirked, “Ah, you’re such a sap.” Ellie pressed her lips against yours, undecided on whether she wanted to swallow you whole or take it slow. With the moonlight bouncing off her tinted windows and the darkness of the night shielding you both from any prying eyes, she finally decided to do both.

[dxrksong]

About the Zerum Pressure controversy on roblox

Personally, I can see why people are upset, but I also don't understand it.

Zerum isn't actually Zerum. 'Zerum' is a character. A character connonical to Sebastian's story. Zerum is just more or less cosplaying as her own character.

As far as I know, she doesn't ACTUALLY want to marry Sebastian. She's the sole reason why he even exists after all. So He's HER character. Zeal had given Zerum all right to him, too!

So if she wants to give Sebastian a wife that she just so happens to like cosplaying as, then it shouldn't be a big deal.

Now! For the other problem.

"They would've been 10 years old when they got married!!"

Now here's where I think people miss the point:

'Zerum' and Sebastian are around the same age. Which means something must've happened in order for them to NEED to get married!

There is SO much angst and story potential here. It's sad that nobody sees it! Because 10 year olds don't get legally married for no reason!

Personally, for me, through my experience of story beta-ing, a very angst filled plot point comes into mind:

Imagine you've made a friend, maybe even having met by saving her from a bear attack? You have never met her parents, but she always seems to be hiding from grownups whenever they're around. One day, some intimidating adults dressed in suits start poking around the neighborhood, scaring your friend to the point that they beg you to hide them.

Your family welcomes her in with open arms and tries their best to keep her hidden.

Unfortunately, your family is found out, and your family, along with your friend, are arrested and detained. Tensions are high, and you find out the reason why they were hunting your friend in the first place.

They wanted to use her abnormalities. Did they want to do genetic experiments? Medical torture? Maybe even turn her into a breeder to see if her abnormalities pass down?

Either way, you desperately didn't want that to happen. You were trying to figure out what to do when your law obsessed sister comes up with an idea:

If she's legally binded to someone, they can't take her.

But that poses a problem. Your baby brother is too young to know what's going on, and they don't allow same sex marriages just yet. So that left your 10 year old mind, to bravely take the stand to glare in the face of the government or science adjacent corporation, just to save your friend!

All for you to be declared legally dead 9 years later when you're falsely accused for the murder of nine people, one person for every year you had kept your friend from the greedy corporation's claws.

Years later. You don't know if she's still even alive anymore. Your only memory you have of her is a photo and your wedding band you were allowed to keep with you, most likely mourning the loss of someone you fought so hard and sacrificed so much for while having little hope of her survival.

The angst! The drama! The feels!!! And everyone is just focusing on false rumors about Zerum kicking them out of the discord group chat when THEY were the ones talking about NSFW stuff in front of literal impressionable CHILDREN that lurk and talk in said group chat!

Yeah, I'd ban you, too.

Oh! And one more thing! If you REALLY don't like the fish man being married. In all technicality, 'Zerum's a widow. Sebastian is legally dead. Stop attacking a real person!

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/751011464262860800?source=share

Seeing the numbers compared, I realized that you are right, anon. It's a privilege to be able to write long fics, regardless of them thinking they're unable to write short fics because short fics are mostly scenes so it's not that long fic writers are incapable of writing short stories, deep down, they don't want to. Maybe it feels wrong for them since they've made an impression they always write long fics, maybe they find short fics less impressive, or believe that people won't give the same feedback as when they post something longer.

But I would like to argue that longer doesn't mean it has a plot. I've read 80k words of a character getting tortured with no chance of figuring things out or getting out of that situation and ended quite the same as the start. I've read 25k fic of characters just hogging. These fics have no stakes, no crisis, no buildup, no development, nothing just series of the same scene over and over with different sets or different positions.

Fanfic is free and that is why you encounter things that are, in a way, out of the box and technically are not allowed in the publishing world. But that's the beauty of it. Is it really that big of a gap for people who can write long fics vs people who can only write short fics? Because of how free fanfiction is, most things are okay to do, including only being able to write plotless or short.

One reason why I get jealous of other authors who manage to write longer fics than me is because I was too busy at the time. I found a good system for myself (dedicating a certain time to finish a chapter and then uploading them as I edit and so on) and you can build your own. I think with the right system, anyone can do it.

Pantsers, plotters, and hybrids are equal to me and it's true because how do you know that a person didn't just recycle the same plot they use from their previous fics, thus being able to write different versions of that story? We've seen the viral meme abt fic writers recycling the same thing and a lot of people admit to doing it. Does this mean they're mediocre or bad writers? It's not like that's against the TOS or illegal. Nobody paid us to keep making fresh new ground-breaking stories. The quality of a fanfic is decided from how you treat it. Do you still like it even after five years? Do you think about it sometimes? Do you feel so ashamed you'd rather put it in an anon collection or close your acc completely and orphan it? Do you wish for it gone to the point you delete every trace of it?

It's not from the amount of kudos, hits, or comments, tho yes it is easier to find good ones if you filter by kudos but there are lots of underrated ones and I've DNF a lot of fics that are not to my liking but have high-kudos because people keep rec-ing it. I want underrated fics to be more popular but not because it needs to be popular but because I hope to be in a community with more like-minded people. Fanfic has no publisher, we can't earn from it so traffic is merely informative so it's the community that matters the most.

In fact, to tell you the truth, after 17 years of being in ao3, I've curated my tag very specifically and stopped using the fandom tag and went straight to the ship tag. I also mostly rely on bookmarks, private collections, word from mouth of people I trust or believe to have the same writing style and taste as me. So it was very niche and limited.

Lots of stories have plots but not all must be in your favor so you gotta figure what you like to start. Are you team canon divergence or AU? what trope do you like? Telling someone to stop comparing is ineffective. We always compare because that's how we communicate. But people feel inferior because they don't feel worthy of themselves. If you start to know what you want, it's easier for you to write more. Whether you're still stuck on making 1k-2k, etc, at least you don't waste your time feeling sad or down and you keep writing. That'll help stimulate your brain and you will improve.

(Also maybe just don't listen to authors who you think are humblebragging. Mute or block them if you need to because I know, to some people who are in the same fandom, these types of attitude have more context to it. Idk abt anon, but in some cases maybe they were moots or the account was owned by another fan they've encountered on tumblr or other social media often, a BNF maybe, or just a popular author that other fans praise or talk about often, and things could get personal. Shit can go south quickly in the community tbh)

--

There's definitely an art to condensing one's thoughts into only a few words.

[graythegreyt]

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!! Who wants ace/aro fic recommendations for Miraculous Ladybug does anyone want ace/aro fic recommendations. Who am I kidding of course you do get in here

The Ace-ing on the Cake - Sailorchibi

This one is THE Aroace Marichat fanfiction in my mind. After several encounters, Chat and Marinette come to understand that they’re both asexual, and begin to worry how their crushes will accept them knowing this. They have a lot of transparent discussions and they may find that things will work out better for them than they’d ever hoped. This one makes my heart so happy :) This author has a lot of fantastic ace works which I'll also be linking, including

Miles Above 

Aromantic Chloe! Chloe, as Queen Bee, feels a growing sense of dread at being left behind by her friends who are getting into relationships and having less time for their friendship with her. She and Ladybug have a long heartfelt talk about her fears of being abandoned. Everyone knows each other's identities in this, and Ladybug does her best to let Chloe know how much her friends value her.

And the last one by the same author: Lost Cause

Marinette is caught up in the fear that Chat Noir will hate her for wanting to pursue a relationship with Chat Noir while being aromantic, but Tikki is convinced that he’ll just be so glad that she loves him so much. Marinette’s not so sure about that, but with Adrien’s encouragement she takes a leap of faith. Aromantic Marinette!

(pockets full of) Stones - felledstar

Aroace Adrien! Adrien keeps telling his friends that Marinette is just a friend to him, but nobody seems to listen to him. Eventually, tired of not being understood, he does some research of his own and has some revelations. This one has a really valuable narrative of how it feels when people won't listen to how you describe your identity in my opinion!! Adrien isn't left hanging forever though-- his closest friends are willing to put their hearts into understanding him. Hopeful ending.

doing romance - @anna-scribbles

I would be REMISS to leave out doing romance from Annascribbles-- it’s just came out but already addresses a lot of the confusion and indeed dread from not feeling the same ways that other people seem to, for romance. Aroace Adrien struggles with feeling inadequate as a boyfriend-- how can he claim to be in love with someone if just a kiss makes him feel so off?

The Hearts of Monsters - @ladyofcreation (and also the whole Heroes with the Faces of Monsters series honestly.)

This is an alternate universe where the miraculous transform the holders into what are, essentially, monsters-- Mari becomes a huge ladybug creature complete with mandibles and two pairs of arms, and Adrien becomes a cat creature with warped limbs and sharp teeth. While our two heroes aren’t interested in one another romantically, they find that they treasure and love eachother deeply, and that’s enough for them- it’s always been enough. Highly recommend the rest of the series as well!

Honorable mentions (stories that aren't ace but do fit the spirit in my credited opinion. They're also just a real kick to read):

Tangled Ribbons and off book by @sadrien

These two stories do a fantastic job in establishing deep friendships in the characters before they begin to harbour honest romantic intentions, which reads so nicely to me and is also just so so beautiful. Highly recommend either of these!

Boys get Dresses, Girls get Suits - @dragonchris

This one’s a gen story and not focused on romance- instead, Alix tackles gender roles in the school, and her class has her back. Very fun!

OKAY THAT'S IT EVERYONE HAPPY READING AND I HOPE YOUR VALENTINE'S HAS BEEN EVERYTHING YOU HOPED IT WOULD BE!!

[rumble-aint-a-rumble-without-me]

🪕 - 🅡🅘🅓🅘🅝🅖 - ships, tell me a little about yourself (personality, general description, likes/dislikes, gender preference) and i'll ship you with somebody from the outsiders!

I'm an average heighted female with pale skin (literally it looks like fucking milk even in summer😭). I have long wavy dark brown hair that is somehow always messy. My eyes are a mix between grey, green and blue and nobody (not even me) can make out their exact colour for the life of theirs since it seems like they are changing colour (from the light and perspective) at every second.

I am straight, but I'm an ally of the lgbtq+ community!

I am very fond of the coquette style of clothing, I'm an hyperfeminine girly that loves to doll herself up. I'm talking full on short white lacy skirts(with lacy underwear too lmao😭) with red heart-shaped sunglasses, cherry lipstick and pink tops with a white ribbon on my hair!

Moving onto my personality; I'm a very sweet girl, I'm the literal mom friend of every friend group I've ever been in. I'm always complementing and praising everyone lmao. I am so totally babying and spoiling the youngests of the group. (literally giving them princess/prince treatment and even paying for them, lending them my things, making sure they've eaten, drank water, etc).

I'm all up when it comes to nicknames, I don't care if you're a boy or a girl I'm opening my dictionary and calling you all the affectionate names written there. (I usually call friends baby, babygirl, babyboy, babes, babe, darl[ing], cutie, sweetcheeks, hottie, hotstuff). (with a partner I would go down more towards sweetstuff, , honey, hun, love/luv, angelcakes, babycakes, lovie, dovey, babylove).

I consider myself as a very touchy person, I like to hold hands, hang onto someone's arm, legs/shoes touching while sitting, hugs (a lot of hugs) and cuddling! I love cuddling! /all of this both with platonic friends and romantic partners. Though I will back off and tone it down if someone's uncomfortable with so much physicall or verbal affection and resort to gift-giving (hand-made trinkets or small things that reminded me of that certain someone, etc) as love-language.

I am a very sensitive gal when it cames to being gifted something, I will fr tear up 😭. I literally cherish every little thing that my friends give me, even if it's a fucking bubble gum wrap paper, it's getting a spot in my 'memory box' lmao.

Even if I'm sweet and have literally no idea how to fight, if someone tries to mess with my loved ones you bet your ass I'm gonna throw myself at them and try and beat them up as much as I can, even if I end up with my face all bloodied and pretty much more hurt than the other person 😭 (i just love my friends that much).

I laugh at almost everything, and I consider myself pretty much easy-going, I'm okay with every and any kind of plan as long as it's with my loved ones.

HOPE IT ISN'T TOO MUCH TEXT IM SORRY IF IT IS AND I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAY EVER

Sodapop! I think your softer personality would go well with him? He likes to try and nail down your eye color so if you catch him staring, don't be alarmed. He loves your clothes and that's all I have to say about that. Pet names and physical touch? He's in love. He's so in love. I'd bet money that he'd try to teach you to fight? But if push came to shove, he wouldn't mind fighting for you :)

[pb-dot]

WIP Wednesday: New WIP Introduction

Writing decisions are funny. I think I'm going to make a conscious choice at some point, but that's basically never how it works. After spending some time percolating on this or that decision, I find myself having decided with all but absolute certainty already. I do consider this a part of Writer Brain, in that it seems my subconscious has worked the problem at hand while I was doing other things, which is awfully kind of it.

Anyway, this is all to say that I have decided what this year's NaNoWriMo project is going to be, and that I today plan to tell you all about it. As much as I have figured out at time of writing, at least.

My project this year will be The Artist, although I am considering vague-ing down the tittle a little bit. Perhaps The Impossibility Artist, or The Painter and The Impossible, Madness; Art or something like that. Titles are hard, but I figure I'll let this decision sit on the backburner for a little while. With a little luck, my brain will come up with something amenable all by itself.

With every project I undertake, I try to keep one particular challenge in mind. I do this because I find it useful to further my craft and also perhaps build a teensy tiny little bit of confidence in my own abilities while I'm at it. This time, I'm going to write a protagonist, a 1st person POV protagonist at that, who's not wholesome. In fact, I plan for him to be a kinda fucked up guy, maybe even a really fucked up guy on balance. I do this because it feels right for a horror novel, and I want to see if I can do it, but also because my protagonists in The Clockwork Boy are honestly little cinnamon buns and while that is cute, it's not quite what I'm looking for here.

The challenge, I figure, will be indulging in moral grey cynicism but not becoming mired in it in it. I do want both my protagonist and nominal antagonist to come out of this changed for the better. I just hate horror that ends on a note of loss and nihilism and no lessons learned by nobody, because that's just real life most of the time, and that's not fun nor engaging for me. It'll be a narrow road to thread I suspect, but my convictions wouldn't be worth much if they're not tested in the spin cycle of adversity.

I've gone a while without speaking any on what the story is about, so here it is briefly. Our (as of yet unnamed) protagonist is an art critic obsessed with a controversial contemporary painter by the name of Tomasz Gildebrant. The reclusive Gildebrant has taken the art world by storm despite, or perhaps because, rumors that viewing his pictures drives weak-willed individuals into acts of extreme violence, destructive debauchery or both.

Our protagonist catches hints of Gildebrants inner circle being on the move, and immediately springs into action to try to secure contact with them. His goal? Nothing short of a face-to-face meeting of an artist who doesn't even allow pictures of his face. Needless to say, our hero has crossed some ethical and judicial lines by the time the invitation to join Gildebrant in his isolated alpine home.

Upon their first meeting, our protagonist notices Gildebrant seems almost impossibly gregarious for a recluse. The darkness inherent to his work is nowhere to be seen, neither in the man nor his impeccably, arftully minimalistic and shockingly modern home high up in the Carpathian alps. There are, however, little hints that something isn't as it should be, like how the doors to the guest room locks automatically half an hour before midnight, and just how many pairs of shoes crowd the entryway.

So, without spoiling too much, we're going to explore some avenues of paranoia, as well as learning some harsh truths both about our determined point-of-view character and his enigmatic host. Perhaps, if it all falls into place, it'll turn out sweet, and if it does not, I hope it at least becomes tragically beautiful.

Anyway, before I disappear entirely into the poetry corner today, I figured I'd talk some shop. This book is by all probability going to be longer than TCB. I originally envisioned The Artist as a triology, but figured I could also execute what I wanted in a single work if I showed some discipline. So, that is what I will try to do, although I will have to try a slightly different approach to outlining than my usual method to see if it all fits.

I probably won't talk all that much about this WIP on here before I'm done with the bones of the story and the characters. Hopefully that'll be before Oct 31st, but if I have to pants it come November 1st, i'll pants it and probably start ranting in a sufficiently unhinged way on here. I'll put down a tag list post as fast as I can come up with a working title that I can live with.

[deadmomjokes]

Hope you're doing well with all the hectic life stuff you mentioned! How is everyone doing, and how was the conference?

Thank you so much for checking in! It means a whole lot to me (especially because we ended up getting forgotten by quite a few folks irl who had said they'd come by to help with stuff 🙃)

It's going better now that the conference is over. Not to say that the conference was bad. It was actually really great. I got excellent guidance on writing an official query letter, I did very well on my presentation and panels, I had fun, I learned stuff, and- biggest news of all- I did 3 pitch sessions for a manuscript and all three were enthusiastic about it and asked for partials!

The not so great news that comes from that is that I'm kind of in the middle of rewriting the thing, so now I'm racing the clock, hoping that I can finish the rewrite before someone comes back requesting the full. And lemme tell ya, it needed the rewrite. So it's not like I can hand them the old version if I want any chance of actually landing a contract. So stress is still ongoing, but it's good stress in a way, I guess?

But! My husband feels great and is basically just waiting for doctor's permission to resume normal activities. He was up and walking the day after surgery, and the pain it was meant to remedy is totally gone. So it was a massive success! He's still barred from lifting, bending, and twisting at least through the end of March, as far as we know; he goes back on Monday for the doc to do a follow up, and we'll get more info about it then.

Our daughter has decided to spontaneously potty train herself after watching a younger friend who is just learning to use the potty, which is a total shocker to us. Welcome, but absolutely out of left field. One of the things she's been in therapy for is her panic and terror about the potty, and she just... decided. It's so weird. Great weird, but weird. (I'll take it tho.)

But, unfortunately, the saga of trying to figure out her stomach issues hasn't been going great. We had her appointment and they wanted an endoscopy, right? Told us that the scheduling department would be in touch within 2 weeks. After two weeks had gone by, I called them, played switchboard transfer tag, and eventually found out that the doctor had never put the order in. The people we were talking to who found that out for us helped get it put on the doctor's priority list so it would officially go to scheduling, and then said they'd try to get us bumped up the waitlist since we should have been scheduled already based on initial appointment date. Only nope, turns out they couldn't do that because of how the system works, gotta wait another two weeks. Meanwhile, mind you, she's not allowed to take the medicine that actually helps control the symptoms, so she's a hungry, tired, cranky, pained mess. So two weeks later, I call them back because- big surprise- no word yet. They said they see the order, but scheduling just hasn't gotten around to it yet. They flag it for immediate attention. Two days later, I get the call to schedule it, and due to the fact that she had a cold recently, they wouldn't get her in any sooner than a full month after the last symptoms. Now you know a cough can linger for ages after you stop being contagious, particularly in a high-pollution, cold, low-humidity environment, which is where we live. But policy is policy.

So all that comes out to the fact that unless she gets sick again, her endoscopy is the week of St. Patrick's Day, and after that she can go back on the meds that helped best while they compile the results. At that point, assuming it confirms what we all think it is, we get referred to the nutritionist and start the arduous task of elimination-diet-ing a child who exclusively lives on bagels and cream cheese. She's not gonna be happy. Nobody's gonna be happy. But it'll be what it is, and it'll help her in the long run.

All in all, life is still crazy, and I'm totally losing my mind some days, but it's not quite as crazy and mind-lose-y as it was. Which is progress!

[treba-neco-napise]

A message for the bad days

I wrote this after I got from a period of pretty bad depression and anxiety and realized that I just needed some doomsday protocol for when it happens (spoiler: I didn't put it together before I got into another). I took it out yesterday and reading it helped me a lot. So I'm sharing in hope it helps someone else who resonates with it.

(This is very personal and not written for notes, I'm just hoping it might reach someone in need. So I'll be deleting criticism and blocking haters, don't waste that time.)

Hey, buddy. This is just your anxiety speaking. I know you don't think it is - it is. Your brain is scared, it shuts down certain parts of itself and keeps running on anxiety to keep itself safe from threats because it registers one threat you're currently under and from past experience concludes that you're threatened from all directions.

You're not.

There will be the good days, I assure you. Please believe me, you will feel better, and when the good days come back, you'll realize how awful you were truly feeling. It's good that you got through it. You got through all that abuse and bullying and hiding who you are and you're still here today, scarred but still standing.

Please stop comparing yourself to others in suffering, we all have our fights and no one is judging how you cope with fighting them. And if someone is, ignore them. You're hurting nobody but yourself, the one you definitely shouldn't be hurting.

Please reach out. Write down a list of people you don't trust and why. Write down another list of people you do trust and reach out, start a conversation with them even if you think it's meaningless and without a purpose. I'm speaking from experience, you will feel better talking to someone. You might come up with ideas for more discussion as you go. If you think they'll be annoyed that you want to talk to them, do it anyway. They won't be, they like talking to you, that's why you trust them. And if they are, they're not worth it. It's not your fault, ok? If they don't appreciate you as you are, I do. I love you just as you are and I'm sending a big, firm hug. Yes, you, the reader, you don't think I mean you but I do. You're enough, you're enough just as you are. If you're thinking whether I'd say that to a murderer and/or a narcissist, yes, I would. And if they're enough, of course you are.

No "should"-ing will fix the world. I know you know how it all should be and that it seems simple to know, you're a smart and good creature. Not everybody is like that, unfortunately, and that's okay. The world is the way it is and we have to roll with that, your mind might be too far in its idea and the world can't catch up with it. Let go. You know yourself that perfect world would be far from perfect in reality.

Stop to smell the roses, stop right now, stop what you're doing, don't ask why for a moment, just be in your shoes, in your perspective for a minute.

Okay?

That feels better, right? Good, keep that going. Stay in that. Summon the other perspectives when you need them and until then, stay in your shoes. You don't have to consider everything all the time.

Don't sacrifice your wellbeing. That test or appointment doesn't matter in the long run. You might fail or miss it despite all that effort. It's not your fault, okay? If you're going to put that much effort into something, make it a deal. Imagine it, visualise it as a contract with yourself - you do this big amount of work but you'll stop at a certain time, no matter how much or little you got done, and will make peace with it even if you don't want to. You will rest after this amount of work, properly rest, and you can add a specific reward for that. But make sure you accept it as a reward after you know it. Get up and do the workout even if you don't feel like it, just a jumping jack or a push-up. You will like it when you give in and accept the pain, stop fighting it and watch over yourself, making sure you're still okay.

Don't abandon yourself, ever, be your own best friend at all times when everybody else is against you, even if everything you believe in is wrong, trust yourself and be kind to yourself. When you start spiralling and abandoning yourself and not listening to yourself, stop. Really, stop right now, again,

See that? The Earth is still spinning.

The world hasn't fallen apart because you stopped racing just for a moment. Now, think it all through, consider if you really have to do all this right now, today, this week, this month, this year.

Can it wait?

Yes?

Would postponing it cause more problems?

No?

Okay, you can do it tomorrow, or schedule it for another day.

It's not your failure, it's not incompetency to put off what makes you feel this bad to be overwhelmed by. Don't overload yourself, you know what happens - you end up here again. :D

Be kind to yourself, put it off and schedule rest first.

[sweetswesf]

People will try to disrespect and distract you. Even when you’re minding your business and trying to do right. That’s how you know you’re close. Identify the devil and chase him away. Ain’t nobody got time for folks operating against the program at this point in the game.

I haven’t blocked him again yet, and am extending him much more grace than he deserves right now because I don’t know what he is capable of and I still have to see him at the gym. I will take further measures if it gets worse.

Also, people, stop doing stuff like this. I’m only sharing to be completely transparent of the BS people have to go through when they’re on their journeys to greatness. Sometimes it’s not just work. Life be life-ing on the side too. I haven’t had sex in…at least 5 years, I gave up porn (almost about a year now) especially because I don’t want ANYTHING getting in the way of potential blessings, and have never had a boyfriend. I live alone. I’m lonely often! The temptation is there and possible! But I believe that God has something better if I’m patient.

I knew the test would come up again, because lust is something I’ve struggled with in the past, I just didn’t know how or when, but I’m glad I was able to turn it down. I know it’s the devil and I’m laughing at his attempts right now. I have a huge future and I’m glad it’s getting easier for me to make better decisions. I’m DEFINITELY not perfect, but better than I was. Amen?!

Every time my parents try to gaslight me for times I felt unsafe in the past or they just decide not to reach out for months or say they need a break from me after THEY caused hard, I think about things like this and how I would never tell them. How stressful it is to just exist as a solo Black woman in a big city. 🤷🏾‍♀️ This is by far NOT the first time a man has expressed unwarranted hostility here.

I want to get out of this city. But the one thing that would help me do that, which is getting a remote job, seems far away when this and other things run through my head when I need the utmost focus in these high pressure coding interviews. If you’re experiencing something similar, don’t give up hope. Keep ya head up. You’ll get freed soon. I share my testimony to help others.

[clairelutra]

in full-tilt 'scream into pillow' mood tbh. I WANT TO WRITE FIC. I WANT.

after all the "fails" so far, the requirements i've managed to gather are:

sappy/devoted friends (to lovers/at least heavily flirtatious) with ample interactions in canon that say they just really enjoy each other, and i have to be able to very easily wax poetic about each of them

generally hopeful/upbeat/humorous tone but with some stakes

a setting that i wouldn't mind living in (comfortable and relatively safe) and allows for slice of life fun, but that is not purely mundane

a premise that could lend itself to au-ing enemies to lovers without needing to wildly change the setting (a bit of remixing/met the other guy first/for want of a nail at most)

also need to be able to write a/b/o and soulmates and make it Interesting both ways

neither half of the ship dies at the end

i just fuckin love reading/watching/playing it (which also means it needs to not be rinsed clean or overly Wholesome)

soul eater soma are too "old married couple" not enough pure enjoyment in each other

skip beat's setting is too mundane

tlt's main ship wasn't sappy enough

everything about jshk is just too fuckin depressing

okami's main character is a dog

none of the main bridgerton romances have any deep stakes or bountiful au potential

botw/totk zelink doesn't have enough interaction

dragon age's setting is too damn uncomfortable

ouat's depressing as hell to watch

vespertine isn't expansive enough a sandbox

spiderverse miles/gwen are too far apart on a regular basis for slice of life

the rune factory series doesn't have enough adversarial potential

trigun's setting looks horrible to be in

kaguya-sama's setting and plot don't lend themselves to the kind of fic i wanna write

bnha's not horny enough (only one character actually cares about fuckin and nobody likes him!!)

naruto isn't fun enough to watch/read

ditto bleach

please don't tell my parents i'm a supervillain's characters are too young

the golden trio of harry potter don't actually interest me all that much

the tales of series is too damn depressing

i don't want to live in any of the final fantasy worlds to my memory

i'm just... ???????? gotdamn this shouldn't be so hard

[mxalexis]

Morning musings

I didn't think this would be my first post here after The Great Migration, but I've been toying with these thoughts for a while and I have to get them out somehow.

So, my mental health is terrible. Like, truly awful. To the point that putting one foot in front of the other has been an internal battle so tough I don't know how I haven't crumbled yet. To the point I regurlarly have panic attacks, sometimes twice in the same day.

My skin feels like it's itching contantly. I can't stand the feeling of my clothes when I'm dressed, but I also highly dislike feeling air touching my skin when I'm not, so I basically feel like crap about my body constantly. And that's without adding gender dysphoria into the mix.

The things I used to like, or take joy from, now feel stale. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't see the point, or I simply can't because no energy.

Everything is a struggle. Even thinking about doing laundry has me completely depleted.

And while I've been slowly getting better, which I recognise and appreciate, things are still extremely hard.

And this morning, I had an epiphany.

I've started feeling this way since even before the summer (probably around may, maybe april this year). This means at least a 6 months battle with my own mind. And it's exhausting. I'm f***ing tired.

It's hard enough as it is, but I realised this stuff has taken so much from me. My energy, creativity, motivation... But also very specific moments.

I turned 40 this year. I used to look forward to this, I had plans, lots of enthousiasm. And ultimately, nothing happened. That day, I took a nap and didn't even have the energy to cry, even though I was feeling awful.

Now it's the 24th of december in the morning, and I know the same will happen over Christmas, and the new year's celebrations. Just another milestone, another occasion to feel joy and happiness, that depression has stolen from me.

And it's hard, but I also know there's nothing to be done about it for now. I just have to hold on, do what I can, and I ultimately will make it out of that crappy place. This will end, I have to remember that.

Anyway, I'm sure nobody is going to read such a long rant, and it's fine. I wrote it for my own sake. But on the off chance someone did, I hope it brought you some peace.

[piastrinorris]

Hi its me again and i am absolutely back with my strabger things/doctor who brainrot

Because it is insane how easily these two shows can be combined. Like, literally enough for the doctor to show up in hawkins, 1980-whatever, maybe just wanted to checkout the vibes but suddenly hears of some kid disappearing??? Or strange deaths- so goes to investigate, meets this kids in the mall or just wherever and boom, adopted a whole crew of sidekicks for the adventure and ready to kick some alien (demogorgon) ass

I can imagine dustin trying to label them as something frim dnd but the doctor is just like, actually this is an ancient species predating [...] from planet [...] and everyone just staring blankly back.

Also, definitely using the psychic paper to get into the hawkins lab ... and would probably close a baby gates with a sonic screwdriver lol or at least try to analyse it

So yeah, thats it for now. Sorry lmao. Hope you have a good one 💖

i am absolutely obsessed with this au oh my god please always talk to me about it

LMAO i love the idea of the doctor looking at the spore-destroyed plants and like sonic-ing them to try and figure out what's happened just for dustin to be like "oh thank GOD you're not normal" and to suddenly infodump everything about the upside down onto the doctor who's just like. what the fuck are any of these words

and even if the doctor were able to define the actual species of the demogorgon and the actual name of the upside down, the mind flayer, vecna etc, the party would still use dnd terms to the point where even the doctor just gives in and starts calling it all their terms for it

maybe since there'd be more extra-terrestrial stuff in this au, dr brenner would have been using alien tech of some kind, or would have been studying alien dna and trying to create a hybrid race, either way i think the doctor being able to tell el what she really is and how she came to be would give her a bit of an existential crisis, that'd be like the main arc of the doctor being there, is that even the doctor needs el's help but she's gotta come to terms with who she is, why she came to be and what the full extent of her powers could be

and even the older teens would be instrumental in helping the doctor figure stuff out, like jonathan would have taken just the right photo that looks inconsequential to the everyman but fills a v important hole in the doctor's logic. nobody could figure out what the flaying process is until nancy follows someone looking suspicious towards the steel mill. robin would sneak off to follow her own gut, almost get everyone killed in the process, but would find a way for them to gain access to even the most deadlocked parts of hawkins lab. and, of course, there would be the Classic Human Moment(tm) where steve would suggest something that everyone laughs at him for bc it sounds so ridiculous but the doctor. the doctor calls steve the most brilliant mind in the whole entire universe (dustin doesn't know whether to be more proud, horrified or offended) bc he's helped the doctor to crack the whole entire thing.

ohhhhh i really love the idea of the doctor coming to hawkins nowwww

[theimaginatrix27]

I just posted a fanfic I've been letting stew in my mind for a decade and a half, because getting the beginning just right was way harder than I thought, but I've actually gotten somewhere with it, and am glad I finally have something to show for my claims of writerly aspirations.

I do not have a chapter buffer. I wrote three chapters in NaNoWriMo and then decided I was posting on Christmas, and did it, with some polish.

This fic is long. I wrote up a list of all the planned books in the series, and there are like, eleven of them. I have no idea at this point how long any of them will be. I do not know what a year's worth of chapters is even going to look like.

I often come up against the type of "writer's block" where I don't know quite how to continue the story because I know where we're going but there's a connecty bit I need to pace the story out or it'll feel wrong. Either that or I don't know how to continue the story because I changed part of it in the previous book or earlier chapters, and now I have to rewrite those bits to get an idea of what hasn't been covered yet at the point where I was at before making the change. (That's where my original novel series is at rn and I've been stuck on how to deal with that for over a year now. So I have not been writing it.)

With this fic project, though, I've at least decided I won't be changing anything fundamentally once it's been posted publicly, and I'm kind of hoping doing this will train me into pushing on with things.

I literally can't do a buffer right now though unless inspiration strikes. I'm trying to do what another favourite fic author does and post about 1k words per day on a forum thread for the purposes of beta-ing and keeping myself on-schedule. So far, it's worked, but also nobody has commented on the thread and I'm a little sad about that, but it's only been a week since that went up.

My fanfic has no comments yet on AO3 either, though, and it's been up for two. Maybe it's just too early in the story for anyone to have thoughts on it?

Anyways, my point was that I really don't have the patience for chapter buffers unless it's original and not about to be posted anywhere. Once I finish a fic chapter I want to post it, because I was writing a fic for a while where I could go more than a year without updating, and any completed chapter was a victory. It's ... still ongoing, but mostly because I've started editing it now, and then been procrastinating on that, but the edit has meant I can't continue the story until the more polished earlier sections catch up to the bits I'm happy enough with to leave alone.

And please don't tell me to stick to one project until it's done, all my projects are too long for that to be a viable approach for me and I have so many stories... And I write scenes out of chronological order when they're vivid in my mind and I don't want to lose them, but of course without the connective tissue I can't post anything for those stories...

Derin, you once said that posting consistently in a web series is very important for the growth of audience. But how do you keep yourself motivated to create stories on schedule? Whenever I try to do it, I just lose motivation and get stressed out or bored with my project

My answer is to have a big buffer. I aim to have a buffer of at least one year's worth of chapters. That way, I can take a month or two off every now and then to avoid burnout. It is also far, far less stressful. Not having a buffer is the most stressful thing a writer can do, do not do that.

So far as long-term sticking to projects goes, there's a few skills involved here and all of them involve a lot of practice. The first thing is what I call the Shiny New Fruit problem. This is something you see pretty much every newbie writer doing -- they get a great idea for a story, they know how it's gonna start, they have a cool premise and a twist that's gonna BLOW EVERYONE'S MIND, it'll be great! They start writing! Their first chapter is cool and unique and full of promise, and they get great feedback, and they move onto the second chapter and it's also great, and...

Quite quickly, they run out of "great chapters". Most of the time, the start of your story is low hanging fruit, so far as writing goes -- it's where you get to introduce all your cool concepts and you're not weighed down by anything established yet and all the Cool Stuff That's Gonna Happen is still in the future, it's your perfect imagined version of it and not the (usually worse) version that ends up on the page. Then you run out of low hanging fruit, and it gets slower and harder, and you have to do a lot more actual work and it doesn't feel so new and exciting any more, and a newbie writer thinks, "oh, this isn't as fun, the story feels more boring to write, that part didn't come out as well as I'd hoped -- this story must be bad". And sometimes they might give up right away. Or instead they might continue... but they're distracted, because solving the issue of how to get those two guys out of prison in chapter 6 just gave them the BEST idea for a different story, it's gonna be so much better, the characters are great and they can already feel the words pouring out of them and...

So they run off to pick the low-hanging fruit for their new story, and before they know it, they have nine unfinished stories on their hard drive and not a completed story to their name.

Every writer will get distracted and enthused about new ideas for projects. This isn't a newbie problem. The newbie problem is letting them tempt you away from the viable projects you're already working on so that nothing gets done. My solution to this is very simple -- I am not allowed to write my future projects until I finish my current one. This way, all that enthusiasm for the future project is transmuted into motivation for the current one -- I can write that cool story about a bug alien who adopts and astronaut but first I have to push through the slow part of this story and get this story finished. This has always worked really well for me.

The second reason that you might lose motivation for a story you're working on is that the story is indeed bad, or at least, the version of it incubating in your mind isn't ready yet. The problem with this is that every story feels bad when you're bored or frustrated with it, and it takes a lot of practice to tell the difference between a genuine dud idea and one that your brain is lying to you about because it wants to play computer games instead. My advice on these is to push through anyway -- it almost certainly isn't a dud idea, and if it is, you'll learn way more by completing it than abandoning it.

The third reason is burnout. Now, it's important to note that everyone is bored and frustrated with their stories sometimes. I got sick of writing space intrigue and took a month off to play Subnautica (I could afford to do this with no stress because of my massive chapter buffer), then came back when I felt like it -- that isn't burnout. I've procrastinated for weeks before because I'm up to a really complicated scene with a lot of emotional beats and new information and it's hard to write so I don't wanna -- that isn't burnout. Burnout is what you get when you don't manage these things properly for way too long and grind your brain to paste. I have a lot of tips for avoiding burnout, but they'd take a long time to explain, so all I'll say here is that learning to recognise and avoid burnout is a skill that you will gain with experience.

The fourth reason that people get bored and frustrated is that writing is a skill, and it's a lot harder to do than it looks. Writing when you're not in Full Inspiration Mode is exhausting. It's difficult. It almost always looked worse on the page than you expected; your favourite authors do so much better than this, why doesn't your work look like theirs? It's just words! You know words!

This one trips a lot of newbies up, because in Full Inspiration Mode, writing is easy. someone can have five chapters pour out of them in that mode, and then look at their page two days later and go, "huh, writing is so much harder today". then they'll call that "writer's block" (that is NOT writer's block) and decide to write again when they "feel inspired".

Do not do this. It's a trap. If you only write when you're inspired, you will not succeed as a writer. Take advantage of your periods of inspiration, obviously, but writers must learn to forge ahead without them, because they're going to get fewer and smaller as the low hanging fruit all get picked and you simply will not keep up with a schedule relying on them, whether it's a web serial update schedule or a deadline given to you by a publisher or simply the desire to have a manuscript ready to pitch to an agent before you die of old age. The world is full of people who are "writing a book" and have been doing so for thirty years with almost no progress. If you want to finish, you need to write when it's a bit tricky, when it's a bit boring, when you're not inspired at all and aren't entirely certain where things are going. Fortunately this, like everything else here, is a skill that is honed with practice.

So, yeah. That's my advice. Have a chapter buffer, the bigger the better. Make sure that your writing pace is faster than your publication pace. Avoid these quitting/stopping pitfalls. That's pretty much it.