#honestly would not have considered myself disabled by this shit until i started working five days a week but hoo boy

[swiftwyll]

shocked and hurt to realise that having a disability does in fact disable me

[meyeselph]

Gwenpool: Desperate Misanthrope's Confused Angst

Showtime

Ms. Pool woke up in a familiar room. Not in Krakoa - there are no mutants around. This isn’t a story about that. Look, honestly, without an actual Gwenpool series and the constant breaks in her comics appearance I can’t even begin to give a fuck. I cancelled my marvel universe subbie. I might get back to my stories but single issues are iffy. I read fast and don’t pore over the artwork. So I get 10 minutes of entertainment for….FIVE DOLLARS? When did this happen? Jeezus.

Who even reads comics anymore?

Anyway, long story short, Gwen got out of bed and recognized the room as her old one from the “old times.” The dark times. The ‘not running around in pink and white outfits and shooting people’ times. She panicked (Been there. It is what it is though). The only way out of trauma is through.

She dressed in old clothes, immediately hit by old smells, she couldn’t help but cry. Was it all a dream? Have I gone insane (again)? All the usual self doubts cropped up. I mean, really, if you think this kind of thing didn’t pass through her mind regularly why don’t you transport yourself to a comic book universe?

Oh, you can’t?

Oh. It isn’t actually possible for you and I’m stupid for suggesting it. So, yeah. If it actually happened and you kept that attitude then the logical assumption for a normie is a mental breakdown. Trick for Gwen, though, is it's probably always been both real and her being nuts.

So she goes downstairs to the kitchen to figure out why this is happening and Evil Gwen is having cereal. Let's say cocoa puffs. I’ve been thinking about those recently. You ever remember cereal as something worth cherishing. Not as just bullshit that TV convinced you to want? God damn, now I want Cookie Crisp. Cookie Crisp wasn’t even ever that good. Why do I want Cookie Crisp?

So also sitting around the table were the faceless versions of her father, mother, and her brother. Just chilling. No BD. Seen Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind?

Yes, I know that references aren’t jokes - fuck you, I’m painting a picture and I CAN’T PAINT, THAT’S WHY THIS ISN’T A COMIC. Fucks sake. Anyway. So, Gwen is so creeped out that she just sits her butt down by Evil Gwen as if she’s the comforting presence here.

Her name’s too long. Let’s call Evil Gwen uh…….Gren. You know, like Grendel from Beowulf. I haven’t actually read Beowulf and this is all a little confusing but I'm solving problems here. Writing this is harder for me than you would think so it’s best to keep things flowing off the cuff. That’s the Gwenpool™ style anyway, isn’t it? Are you laughing yet? IMPROV. “YES AND” MY SHIT, READER!

“So, you ever really look into the retconned past thing, hun?” Gren said, moving her tongue around her food. Being gross as an attempt to be properly evil. She swallowed before continuing. “This is all I could really put together on short notice but i’m pretty sure what the future people created, all that stuff to try and trick you, it was all bullshit.”

“What do you mean? Are you trying to convince me to go all psycho like you again?” Gwen asked, exasperated, realizing she was now back in the whole ‘fuck with Gwen to decide her fate’ song and dance routine from the end of her first arc.

“Nah, not really.” Gren said. A hammer appeared in her hands out of nowhere and Gren swung it into their fake father’s head, snapping his neck..

“DAD!” Gwen instinctively cried as she saw her father’s body slump to the floor. Gren slapped Gwen’s face. “That’s it,” Gren said, “this is what the trick was.This is a poorly created character in a fictional story. Meant to manipulate you into attaching your concept of “father” to it. Even his finished version in the original comics run wasn’t THAT well drawn. Your dad read like a boomer’s idea of a responsible parent. You were going through a mental crisis and struggling to find purpose in life and his genius idea was get a shitty low paying job and suck it up?”

Gren turned to their brother, pushed his face to the table and smashed the back of his skull. . “Brother dearest, too. Going right along with their victim blaming. He gaslighted you as if what you were going through was just you being ‘irresponsible.’ Bitch, people working a minimum wage job aren’t somehow not impoverished and miserable because they get some of that ‘honest work’ that folks keep badgering on about. Minimum wage work is occupied by many physically and mentally disabled people held hostage; they’re people society only pretends to care about. Then they turn it all into you acting like some world ending threat. No questions about what drove you to the edge in the first place. You are just ‘unstable,’ so you’re just a problem to be solved. They say, ‘Let’s all solve this girl being upset and on edge by ruining her concept of self, reality, and memory.’ Brilliant!”

Gwen barely processed this in horror. Gren then slit the poor facsimile of their mother’s throat while continuing to rant, “You see people die all the time, Gwen. Half of the time you are doing the killing. You do it because it’s in a story. In a story the NPCs don’t matter and, after all, your original schtick in the story was to be kill-crazy. The non-marketable characters can be replaced or retconned at the stroke of the artist’s pen.” Gren leans forward as she pulls a Gwenpool mask over Gwens face. “Then the writers convince you that you have some middle class milk toast family and you take abuse and subsume your emotional needs because the problem MUST be you. You aren’t ‘normal’ so you have to be fixed.”

Gwen wiped her eyes over the mask and sighed. A bit of fire filled her gut as she stared at Gren. “So fucking what? You want me to go on a killing spree and be a big time villain to get myself a nice, shiny permanent big bad status? That’s how I stay around right? Just build my legacy on bodies?”

Gren scoffed “You already lost that fight, girly. Where do you think we are? Because this ain’t Marvel Comics.”

Confused, Gwen blinked and tried reaching for the page margins, finding nothing. Wait….why was everything on this page so ill defined and undetailed? Wait? Why was the story in kinda wobbly third person past tense?

Gwen sighed “Oh. I’m in a fanfic. I guess the publishing fight is for another day eh?”

“My advice, personally,” Gren stated, “is that you consider the lobster.”

“Wait, what the fuck?”

Gren pulled aside the kitchen curtains revealing the face of a giant lobster, its claws tapping on the glass. The lobster muttering gutterally about personal responsibility.

“Because there’s a couple thousand giant lobsters outside that would like to claw you until you read their book.”

--

Scared of Girls

On the rooftop, Gren shoved a high powered rifle into Gwen’s hands while she handled the close range threats. So, this conversation they’re about to have is important. Sniping puts Gwen into a sort of zen space, so that’s a better task to keep her focused, after all.

“So, what? You wanted me to internalize that my “origin story” is bullshit? Okay, what does that accomplish, then?” Gwen asked in a bit of a deadpan. She was so tired today. Not really feeling her happy go lucky energy. More like a “happy go fucky” energy. It was hard to always be on a knife's edge. Still the rifle’s kick into her shoulder was satisfying as she blew through two of the creepy looking lobsters at once. “Also, why the lobsters?”

Gren considered this. “Okay, last question first, I had to experiment a lot and do a lot of research to construct this place for your learning and healing in fanfic form....These buddies are a failed experiment of mine that I repurposed because the fic needed more action. Isn’t that right, giant enemy crap?” As she peppers the nearest goon with a hail of shotgun pellets the entire throng of them burst out, sharply muttering about divine symbols.

“As for what I'm trying to teach you, it’s that you aren’t reaching your potential.” Gren grumpily huffed.

“Duh,” Gwen reloads, “I mean you just killed a mannequin version of the voice in my head that says that to me every day.” one of those crustaceans talks about feminine symbolism while she decides on her next target.

“Not like fake daddy’s ‘Be a responsible member of society by paying your taxes’ type of potential. I mean your creative and emotional potential.” Gren flipped off the slavering throng of monsters, noticing they were starting to keep their distance from the roof.

“I never did finish that fanfic idea I had.” Gwen mused.

“God, don’t mention that,” Gren thrusts a finger at Gwenpool. “Not that I don’t respect fanfic, but when comic book writers make you and Kamala squee about fanfiction to try and relate to “the kids” it comes across as so condescending.”

“Really? I mean…..I'm sure it’s meant as support for the concept?”

“Most fucking superhero comics are just legalized fanfiction! The people who created the characters are either long gone or working on someone else’s characters! They just think they are so much better because they got fucking paid. They can’t imagine themselves as on the same playing field as fanficcers even though most of them have the same level of connection to the roots of the work as anyone else.” Gren groused loudly as she seemed to pull Reed Richards out of nowhere.

Confused, Reed looked around until his eyes met Gwen’s.“Oh great, you again.” Reed groaned as he turned to survey the piles of lobster gibs while Gwen cheered the lobster forces’ retreat with a resounding “EDF, EDF!”. The scattered creatures skittered amongst the bland scenery. It looked like a suburban neighborhood but someone forgot to color in the sky….or write that the sky had color. A castle hung out in the distance breaking up the generic normalcy and lay cloaked in shadow despite being surrounded by an endless white void.

“And…..black….you?” Reed pointed to Gren, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I have an evil future self….well I stopped that future so it’s an….evil...alternate timeline self?” Gwen said with a nervous chuckle, abandoning the kill quest for the minute and rested her rifle on the roof.

“Ah. Yeah I’ve been down that road. It’s a rather common occurrence. Multiverse being what it is.” Reed laughed heartily while putting his hands on his hips.

“I’m not sure I’m evil, honestly,” Gren interjected. “I think I’m just really fucking grumpy and I’m slightly more gung-ho on the homicide. Considering Gwen’s already one of the more kill crazy characters on the roster it’s not that much of a distinction.” Gren flipped her cape. “My main distinction is I don’t like that meme from The Incredibles! You can just make it so the cape detaches automatically when it’s pulled hard enough!”

“You could still have it tangled up around your face.” Reed pointed out in his standard know-it-all fashion.

“Don’t make me go into fuck wife mode, stretch.” Gren spat. “Okay, anyway, so I brought him here to illustrate a point. Reed. Explain particle physics to me as a laymen.”

“Huh...i’m not sure why but okay. Particle physics (also known as high energy physics) is a branch of physics that studies the nature of the particles that constitute matter and radiation. Although the word particle can refer to various types of very small objects (e.g. protons, gas particles, or even household dust), particle physics usually investigates the irreducibly smallest detectable particles and the fundamental interactions necessary to explain their behaviour. In current understanding, these elementary particles are excitations of the quantum fields that also govern their interactions. The currently dominant theory explaining these fundamental particles and fields, along with their dynamics, is called the Standard Model. Thus, modern particle physics generally investigates the Standard Model and its various possible extensions, e.g. to the newest "known" particle, the Higgs boson, or even to the oldest known force field, gravity.” Reed rattled this off rather mechanically.

Gren then took out her phone and showed Gwen the Wikipedia article on “Particle Physics,” which is naturally the same words that Reed had regurgitated above, just without any formatting and, again, on a phone.

“Reed can’t be a genius in any subject unless he’s written by a genius in that subject. That’s how stories work. Everyone is limited by the understanding and capabilities of the writer. Same with your origin story and all the people you’ve interacted with. If you are as ‘meta’ as you think you are then you have to realize that you aren’t actually talking to people. You are talking to the writer. Dr. Strange didn’t rewrite your existence to be a part of the Marvel Universe. As far as most of Marvel continuity goes Dr. Strange was never there and doesn’t know or care about his MCU casting…..Hey Reed, buzz off please before the conversation pivots to why you haven’t cured all known diseases.”

Reed looked a little surprised but then pulled out a teleportation device (of course he has one) and blipped away with a shrug.

“How awkward is that going to be when he enters the MCU after Kamala is already introduced with a very similar power set?” Gwen chuckled.

“Keep up the way you’ve been going and you’ll never see it. I’m not exactly expecting a young blonde girl casting call for Deadpool 3 and that’s your best bet.” Gren snarked. Gwen winced with a sigh.

“I don’t get what I'm doing wrong. I have a fanbase comparable to some of the characters that have already shown up but I can’t even get comics written about me most of the time. An MCU push seems unlikely. They would literally have to deal with completely recontextualizing my powers and gimmick”

“Let’s ask her what you should do.” Gren motioned her way to the suddenly appearing long hair future Gwen, looming over them like The Attack of the 50 foot Woman for some reason. Dwarfing the roof they are on. Let’s call her BIGwen!

--

Gold Guns Girls

As BIGwen acclimated to her surroundings she stubbed her toe on a car, dramatically flipping it so that it took out a few more lobsters before caving in a nearby house. The lamentations about clean rooms soaring as the remaining couple dozen of them attempt to clean up some of the bodies of their fallen kin. The large and sort-of-in-charge Gwen hissed in pain and adjusted her boot. Getting her balance as best as possible she muttered curses that traveled rather well considering the lung capacity of a giant.

“You know,” Gren started, “I wasn’t expecting much from our previous uses of the ‘make her big for emphasis’ trick, but it really does only work as a vague ghostly background element. I didn’t just want it to be ‘oh, here's a third Gwen for the conversation, though. Would lack umph.”

“ Yeah, I get it, but staring at my own giant taint is unsettling.” Gwen muttered.

“I’d still, hit it.” Gren grinned, then immediately got punched in the arm. “OWWW! Look, I’m the evil one here and we’re in a fanfic. I’m allowed to make internet fetish jokes.”

“And I’m allowed to hit you for it.”.

“Dirty lampshading goody two shoes. Don’t act like half your fanbase isn’t thirsty. It’s “insert current year argument”, all art is sexy to someone.” Gren complained back,rubbing her arm before hopping off the roof. Gwen followed while listening as patiently as she could considering how many changes in topic her evil-caped self is going through to get to her point. “This chick is the reason you’ve been on the path of good girl. Some vague idea that in the future everything will work out for the best. HEY, DOWN HERE, BIG SHOW!” Gren waved at BIGwen and she looked down curiously.

“Yeah what??” BIGwen responded in a booming and agitated tone. Honestly, being in this fic made every version of Gwen a little grumpy.

“How’s she supposed to be a popular hero that makes it into the MCU and has a stable publication history?” Gren asked.

“Fuck if I know.” Came BIGwen’s response. “Have you tried growing your hair out?”

“Rub it in,” Gwen muttered under her breath, “I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of depressed now.” Gwen said as she sat on an abandoned car.

Gren hopped on the roof of the car, patting Gwen’s shoulder before squatting with enough force to flex the car’s shocks like a rocking chair just to amuse herself. “Future “good” Gwen wasn’t an actual plot point, it was a call to action to the fans to make fanfic like this and support the character outside of the actual Canon. Chris didn’t trust that Marvel would treat the character right. That, and your obsession with getting a new book, are both the writer’s attempt to turn a marketing tactic into fan engagement. If you want to be real then that makes the fans want you to be real even more, too.”

Gwen sighs heavily and leans her chin on one hand. “I mean...the time traveling through the life of an NPC fan complete with a Never Ending Story reference was a bit sappy even by the standard we sometimes set...damn it it really was just kind of a fan manipulation trick wasn’t it?”

BIGwen Sat down on the street next to them and crossed her legs. “Hey, little me. Don’t get too down. I mean it worked for the most part. You have a healthy cult following. Characters have survived on less and there are worse things to be known for then as a fan first character”

“But I have to fight for attention all the damn time, though. It’s so easy for Wade with his fucking meme bullshit. He even gets runoff enthusiasm from me. Jeff the land shark is all over Oldpool online” Gwen felt rather heavy and tired all of a sudden. Marvel editorial forcing a gun to your head is not a fun way to be.

“All that fight is hell on the fanbase too.” Gren sighed. “Advocating for shit, getting crumbs and being expected to accept it while Disney lavishes all the attention based on some bullshit numbers game. Even if you make it into the MCU will it be a Batroc style cameo with obligatory ‘killed off in case we don’t feel like paying the actor again later.’ Will it be an emotionally rounded character or an ambush bug style joke? The thing is. You're Not the one fighting and you never were.”

“The fuck do you mean?”

“This version of her doesn’t know?” BIGwen whimpered.

“You aren’t real, Gwen.”

--

Head Like a Haunted House

“No….we aren’t having this conversation. Fuck you fuck you i’m not a fucking Nihlist and i’m not going to do this right now.” Gwen said as she scrambled off of the car and pulled out some guns. BIGwen then picked her up off the ground.

“You need to hear this, Gwen,” BIGwen boomed. “The gimmick has run its course. It’s fucking with your canon. You’re never going to be a marketable character keeping up a half fourth-wall Kayfabe”

Gren climbed onto BIGwen’s Shoulders and perched over Gwen all menacing like. “You need to listen. I’ve been trying to ease you into this. Making things more meta slowly until you were ready but it was never going to be easy.”

One of Gwen’s guns was fired from it’s holster and pierced one of BIGwen’s fingers. BIGwen screamed and her grip loosened. Soon Gwen was on the move running up her arm and firing at Gren, who dodged like the nimble and cute badass she is. “Don’t do this Gwen. Just because it doesn’t matter to the comic version of you doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m a real person god damn it! I read the comics out there! I came in! That’s why I know shit I shouldn't know. That’s what I am! THAT’S ALL I AM!” Gwen shrieked as she pulled out a sword from hammer-space and decapitated BIGwen. Suddenly a mess of colored streamers and a pile of Mickey Mouse merch tumbled out. Look, I am busy right now. Gwen is still slashing at my ass. I'm not going to explain it.

For some reason now the remaining lobsters were helping Gren. For Gwen’s own good you understand. This is proof that I’m right for some reason.

Gwen pulled out a revolver, firing pumpkin sized holes in lobsters who were still wailing about self actualization. She fully planned on shoving a sword up her evil self’s ass and getting rid of this doppelganger shit for good. Which is total bullshit by the way. She totally just cut off Gren’s leg because what the fuck you mean I’m not real? I’m going to be real all over your corpse.

Gren didn’t really think that was even a good comeback and also thought you should probably say it instead of meta willing the smack talk into existence, otherwise this fanfic is going to read like trash. Also, Gren’s leg wasn’t actually cut off. In a puff of smoke it is revealed that the cut off leg is a log and her leg is fine. Gren is a ninja now, believe it.

Gwen proceeded to do a sick ass CQC judo throw on Gren and then grab her cape and wrap it around her face like Reed suggested. Callbacks for the win! Callbacks to Checkov’s gun ideas always lead to victory in fights! She then totally shot at her and such.

But the bullet was caught by the cape because the cape was a symbiote! That’s right Gren is also GRENOM!...boy that sounds stupid. Anywho, the cape was no longer around her face and the fight continued and Gren now ALSO had extra powers and special wizard-symbiote armor (that would only show up in the MCU version if Marvel finally got the Sony characters back). The meta powers work like shit in text but this would be really good in CGI or animation if Marvel wanted to adapt this fic and give the writer lots of money. Gren still has more experience with them, though, and Gwen can’t really just kill her way out of this fic so she has to just let the story play out.

…...eh?....oh Gwen’s crying. I love/am you girl but we gotta work on the crying. Fucks sake this is harder than I thought. I’m depressed now too. Well I'll try to get the writing back on track so you guys can see what is going on. Even the lobsters are minding their manners now. Chill vibes, guys.

“The marvel character page for Gwenpool says, and I quote:

Gwenpool arrived in the Marvel Universe from the “real world,” but has wasted no time in making the most of her time in her fictional universe. Using her knowledge of comics to her advantage, Gwenpool causes and solves problems for her fellow heroes.”

Gren drags a lobster corpse slowly toward Gwen and sits on its tail as she talks to her. Taking her time to really scrape the lobster against the ground, smearing the gore on the pavement. Not that it was heavy for her or anything. Totally still has that symbiote, which would make moving it easy. Totally wasn’t a detail added in the second revision of the fic slightly before the lobsters were added.

“The words “Real world” are in quotation marks in that wiki. Real people don’t make it into comics because fiction isn’t real. Half of your versions barely make use of the ‘real person’ gimmick because it’s too meta by half and not every writer wants to waste time justifying it. So they just treat it like Deadpool’s medium awareness. Which it mostly is.”

“I really am just a fucking rip off distaff character.” Gwen moans. “Just a Gwen combined with a Pool. I’m worse than the Batman who laughs. I never mattered because I was never real”

“Fuck don’t say that. You were made with love and care by a team of creators who took a weird offshoot idea and built out a compelling metafiction idea and a likeable protagonist off of it. They just didn’t have the time and foresight to go far enough.” Gren sighed.

“Far enough?” Gwen sniffed as she was pulled up to her feet and dragged toward one of the big castles. As they walked Gren kicked along a Mickey Mouse doll that had rolled out of BIGwen’s severed head. Every time it bounced it cheerfully said ‘hahah. I love you!’

“Too much haha, not enough trauma. You’re not just a joke character.” Gren said as she kicked the Mickey doll into the big front door of the castle. The shadowy thing of course lighting up and being all fantasy and shit as the door opened.

“Well I did end both of my comic runs pretty mopey.”

“Damn right you did. When the jokes run thin they run to your real bread and butter. You’re an empathy machine.” As Gren shoves Gwen through the gate they are swallowed up in the castle, going dark again. “Let’s getcha sad clown on.”

--

Never there

“See, what evil me should have been telling you about in the original run is how to find meaning and purpose when technically nothing means anything. Comic book characters live in a world without real death and suffering. It’s all a puppet show version of real pain and real emotion meant to bring that out of an audience.” Gren opined as they walked through a black void to a couch floating in a nothing area lit only by the static of an old TV.

“Can we turn on a light?” Gwen asked as she sat on the couch. Gren sat on another recliner that suddenly appeared and put her feet up.

“Fuck off. Ambiance is a thing. We aren’t having a ‘lights on with something fun on the TV’ conversation. So look, I am not really ‘evil gwen.’ I’m half an author insert and half a plot device. If we are talking about the reality of the story you are basically talking to yourself. I am speaking about the things you don’t want to admit to yourself. You know, you’ve seen this kind of story sorta... right?” Gren picked up the remote and frustratedly changed channels between a bunch of vaguely illustrative footage on the TV, not finding anything that worked. A lot of black and white footage of trains for some reason. Just what comes to mind when I think of documentary footage? Weird.

“I am not sure how to illustrate this shit visually and this is a text story anyway so I would have to explain the illustration,” Gren griped.

“I basically get it. It’s not that uncommon a trope.” Gwen nodded.

“Because of the level of meta we are on right now we have to really acknowledge that you are basically an author insert, too. I mean, to a certain extent every version of you is more the writer that is working with your character at the time than a set character.” Gren said as she settled on a visual of Gwen being pushed out the window by her own narration text in the original comic run. When all else fails, resort to footage from the last story. That way people can look it up online!

“Right here is where the character crystallized in the mind of the author of the current fic we are in. A vague suicide metaphor wrapped up in the flavor of self destructive escapism. Your parents in the story thought it was a suicide attempt on at least some level. This is serious business. Not just a girl who doesn’t like work and can’t finish her fanfic. In this comic you are built on this understanding. The writer of this fic has ADHD and autism. So his version of you more or less has it, too. Writers bring themselves with them into their work.”

Gwen nods and takes a deep breath. “I….I can feel it. Like the world is closing around you. You aren’t built for anything that anyone wants from you. The one thing you really believe in, the one thing that really defines you, the stories in your head…..it’s just not enough.

You can’t trust you’ll ever make it with writing because you can barely write. You barely have the energy to do anything but wish that you weren’t you. What if someone actually listened? Actually believed in you and whisked you away somewhere else where the world would fit your needs? What if you were someplace you could be someone else, someone strong and confident?”

“Yeah. Like a funny anti hero in a comic for instance.” Gren nodded. “But the original comics sort of left the theme on the table. They were captured by the misconception of Gwen as the problem and not a person who needed help. All that desperation that real fans of the character might feel just bundled up into love for this character that really ‘gets’ them but Marvel doesn’t ‘get’ the character. They won't use her. They won’t go past vaguely gesturing at her mental issues and moving on. They saved the angst for Wandavision.” Gren scoffs.

“I mean the show was okay but they literally have a character built entirely on the theme of escapism and trauma. One that’s custom built for mind-screw visuals and reality bending plots and they think she’s just a lazy fangirl who really likes guns that they can sit beside Deadpool sometimes and stick in the X-Men’s bloated background character roster when they don’t need her.”

Gren leads Gwen off the couch and deeper into the void where a door to a bedroom waits. A room like her own, absolutely slopping over with old toys of comic book characters. An unclean messy space in a run-down house that smells faintly of cigarette smoke. Huddled in bed, reading an 80s era X-men comic with a flashlight, is a 12 year old Gwen.

“This is never going to be canon but this is the version of Gwen in this fic. She can’t stop crying at school. Things that shouldn’t be hard are so hard and she can’t explain why. Everyone says she’s making excuses. Meanwhile her mother is fucked out of her mind on pain killers and her step father killed himself last year ‘cleaning his gun’ while drunk. You know exactly what is on her mind right now?” Gren says as she gestures at the girl.

“I wish the superheroes would save me from this.”

“They won’t. They can’t. They were never meant to.” Gren Slams the door loudly on the scene.

“That is the emotional core of Gwenpool in this fic. The desperation that so many of the fans down here in the fucking muck of the real world feel. Poor and emotionally unfulfilled. Confused and vulnerable. If Disney and Marvel gave two fucking shits about people like that they wouldn’t waste as many stories as they do. They wouldn’t just use untold wealth to make expensive escapist stories with the military. Their gestures toward progressive ideas that they occasionally make in their stories would be THE ENTIRE POINT of their stories and the actual thing they used that money for instead of lobbying the government to keep Mickey Mouse out of the public domain.

“Disney has the power yet they save a fucking miniscule fraction of who they could. Saving people doesn’t make money.”

--

When I Get To The Green Building

Gren stormed through the void. The scene disintegrated around her as Gwen followed. Both now in a bit of a sour mood but with newfound determination.

“Come to think of it. Why is the fucking Hulk getting to fight for social justice in the comics? Why are they making a gay alternate universe Captain America? Why are they grasping at straws so hard to find characters that get to advocate and I am just sitting on a fucking island being grumpy?” Gwen groused. “I’m pretty sure I’m pansexual….at least in this fic. I could advocate for a bunch of shit at once.”

“You have a youth fanbase, a unique story and you technically aren’t an alternate universe version of fucking anything no matter how many people still think you are a Stacey. They made a fucking ‘for the fans’ character and then neglected it. Presumably because some fucking money making metric didn’t pan out despite the comics just being an MCU test kitchen and IP farm anyway.”

“You’re a fucking check mark on a ledger. I don’t even know if anyone technically created Gwenpool as a whole and Disney/Marvel can give the character to whoever they want to do whatever they want completely separate from what the fanbase wants and needs because she isn’t established. The IP landlords have spoken. The fans haven’t risen to enough ‘buy my merch’ calls to action to invest more resources. So tease endlessly until that changes.”

“Gah. Now I'm actually as pissed as you are.” Gwen said as she started fiddling with her guns. “Who do I kill?”

“We can’t do shit. You’re not even a character at this point. You are a meme for an underused character.” Gren smirked all evil like. “See but that’s it. You aren’t just a meme. You’re a MEME.”

“Uhm...I don't follow.”

“Like the concept of Justice. Gwenpool is an idea. Defined entirely by how people who engage with the idea choose to engage with it. The IP law means Disney owns Gwenpool but they don’t own how Gwenpool is perceived. Just like we as a people decide what justice is through popular consent we also decide what Gwenpool is. You see they made a character for the fans…..in my opinion that means the fans can do as they like with it even if it makes Disney uncomfortable.”

“I mean they can’t even stop porn of their characters just because of the sheer volume of the problem. I suppose people could do whatever.” Gwen nodded.

“Exactly. So the fans should just fucking Occupy Gwenpool!” Gren said as she flipped her cape dramatically with a mad smile on her face. That’s right. She was Dirtbag Leftist Gwen all along!

“Squat on that IP. Make Gwenpool a mental health advocate. Make her an LGBTQ activist. Make her fight for social and financial justice so hard that Bruce Banner looks like a poser. Make her talk shit about politicians who put their career ahead of the people. Do all the shit that makes the comicsgate crowd sad. Keep politics in our stories! Rally around that pink and white ass so hard they have to notice and then tie it all to the fact that Disney has great power and with great power they take no responsibility for how shitty the world is.”

“ If they are going to fuck Gwenpool fans they gotta learn Gwenpool fans fuck back. We have already proven we can make all kinds of cool shit. Let’s get serious and make more, harder, faster! Get a hashtag or some shit. They can't DMCA all of us! GWEN IS OURS WE JUST HAVE TO REACH OUT AND TAKE IT. Then they either respect the character and her fans or they just hit a PR disaster.”

“Marvel/Disney neglects fan focused cult character themed protest movements. Proves they are only progressive when it makes them money. They’re so worried about Mickey ending up in the public domain? We’re the public domain! After our entire lives stannin their characters and buyin their merch building them from an animation house into a juggernaut they are just another weight on top of the boot on our necks. They have to take responsibility!” At this point Gren is pretty much ranting maniacally and neglecting the actual writing of the story so this is Gwen taking over to wrap up.

Guys I may not be ‘the real Gwen’ but really, isn’t the version of Gwen that actually came from the real world all of us? Isn’t Gwenpool really the Gwens we made along the way? We could easily bring a little heroism and chaos to the real world (at least to the internet) if we really tried. Put the fear of God into some IP landlords and fight for some cool people that society is screwing over, too.

Prove that even in the fandom abyss people aren’t as powerless as they seem. Use that internet comic fan mobbing for something besides giving Zack more money. Disney is gearing up for their next IP fight for Mickey in 2024. Seems like a fine time for IP themed protests. For now we just need to spread the word that our needs are more important than their profits.

It’s been real. It’s been long. It’s been a real long time coming…..

But I finally finished my fanfic.

See ya, true believers.

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

Headcanon: Julian Bashir is autistic and has frequent sensory overload, and the only two people who can help him are Garek and O’ Brien. Me? Projecting? It’s more likely than you think!!!

Ha, moooood. Which on that note I have a somewhat intense fic here in which Julian has a meltdown. It’s not related to sensory issues so much as “oh boy a lot of shit’s happened to him” but if you want more O'Brien helping him out after this – so because we gave that fic to O'Brien, let’s give this one to Garak.

Also can we talk about the fact that it’s canon that Julian and the other augments can hear sounds at decibels that non-augments can’t and that it causes them pain, but Julian just taught himself to not react, like fuck, how did someone write this and not follow through on Julian-Bashir-is-autistic-and-or-otherwise-nd!

sorry for taking so long, a. this got a bit longish so it’s under a cut and b. I got distracted by the fact that I always want to see everyone’s notes on reblogs in case of interesting discussion points and i have just now learnt that that cannot be done easily if a lot of people reblog at once… oh hyper-fixation how you get me time and again

this takes place post-Doctor Bashir I Presume and alludes to the fact that during this time Garak and Bashir’s interactions were gradually stripped away in the show (because it too gay) - Andy Robinson ran with that in A Stitch In Time and had Garak write about how much he regretted the two of them not remaining close/hinted that he was in love with him… so take that background as you will.

—— More Space ——-

Thank goodness, he thought after an indeterminate amount of time. O'Brien was here. He would be able to calm him down, he would know how to come up with some soothing description of exactly which of DS9’s pistons or pipes or programs was currently making that noise and he’d either fix it or stay with him until it sorted itself out. Or maybe the noise was gone and the residual whining was just himself recreating it perfectly in his head, or maybe he was just too far gone by now for it to matter, but O'Brien would help. Since the two of them had become friends and some of Julian’s old ticks had returned after his augmentation had come to light, Miles had been a surprisingly steady presence in his life.

“Doctor?”

No, not Miles.

Garak.

He couldn’t make himself respond. His body felt like it was compressing him into a vice, with all his ability to focus somehow splintered into a million shards, each of them painful to the touch. Oh no, what if Garak touched him? If Garak touched him right now he might shatter or scream or something else entirely outside of his control, but talking was also impossible right now, so he couldn’t ask him not to touch, please don’t touch-

Garak sat down in front of him, far enough away that it didn’t feel like too… much.

“Doctor. You don’t need to say or do anything.”

He could manage that.

“I was wondering why you’d missed our lunch date. Very pleased to find you didn’t simply opt not to come without telling me, although I find the alternative to be distressing.”  He stopped talking for a moment then. “Apologies for breaking into your room. Again.”

While Garak simply sat and occasionally spoke Julian was dimly aware of the fact that he could feel his edges hardening again. The shards were being pulled back together.

He also noticed now that he was freezing. It usually happened like that, having sat sedentary for however long or coming down from some emotional extreme. He shivered.

“This station is cold,” said Garak.“The temperature, the lights, the people… all too cold.”

Julian managed a smile and it was like his mouth was freed from a curse. “It is, isn’t it.”

“Not to mention loud,” Garak added.

“All that machinery,” Julian nodded and spoke slowly. His mouth still needed to unstick. “Every time an alarm goes it’s like a sharp pain… I used to be… much better at this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I used to… I used to get these all the time as a child. Meltdowns, shutdowns, I think. But then my parents told me later that it was a side-effect of the augmentations and I tried to… to will myself to stop them, to bypass my natural instincts in order to not be found out and it worked, in a way, or at least nobody found out. I familiarised myself with and categorised any sights, sounds, smells, feelings I came across on earth during my Starfleet training and ordered them into lists and sublists: What I could handle mostly, what I could handle sometimes, what I needed to avoid at all costs. I managed to… to pretend. And then I came to Deep Space Nine and for awhile it was all too much again, I had to make new lists, but I managed, I really… I really did, I really did, I really-” he was talking himself into hyperventilating again, he knew this, but he couldn’t stop now, “- and then I got captured and it was like everything just stopped. I barely- I don’t even remember most of it, but when I got back it was so much worse -”

“Julian,” said Garak and the sound of his first name coming from Garak’s mouth surprised him back to the now. “Julian,” said Garak again. “You’re here. With me. On a floor that is quite cold, I might add.”

Julian breathed out and mumbled under the exhale. “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.”

“What is that,” asked Garak.

“Counting my fingers. It… helps.”

“Noted,” and the easy way in which Garak seemed to have just accepted that he would be helping Julian again in future was another shock to his system, but then why wouldn’t he? Even if they hadn’t met up as often as they used to. Even if he was untrustworthy at heart and Julian could never figure out why Garak wanted his company at all. He found he missed Garak’s simple and complicated nature. It grounded him, somehow.

He got up off the floor, reaching out for Garak when he stumbled. He held him just tight enough to make sure that he wouldn’t fall. Not overcrowding – Julian suddenly remembered that Garak was claustrophobic. He must know how easily sensory inputs could become too much.

At Garak’s questioningly soft hold on his arm, Julian nodded and he helped him to the sofa. “Would you like some water?”

Julian nodded. As Garak went to fetch it, he began to talk again. Somehow… he just needed to get it out now, like an excision. “After the truth came out my mother told me that they’d been lying. I mean, they’ve been lying about so much, but specifically about this. I’ve always been like this. Or. Some of it. The meltdowns. I thought… those memories weren’t real. But now they are? Some of them. I’m having trouble sorting them.”

Garak handed him the water.

“I developed a theory,” said Julian, forgetting to sip.

“Tell me your theory doctor,” said Garak, his tone of voice tender as he sat down beside him, again, close enough if he needed him, but not too close.

“I was wondering why a heightened inability to process inputs was a side-effect of the vast majority of augments, when I had this inability before my augmentation. I started to suspect that it was less to do with the augmentations and was simply… who we were. The augmentations gone wrong could throw that into extremes, but that may have more to do with medical trauma responses than… anyway, I can’t confirm until I have more data. I did research into my own developmental delays, the medical history – it’s fascinating how we repeat cycles actually, first it was considered a form of possession or changelings, then it began to be classed under a broad form of what would be known as schizophrenia, then divided into narrow and still somewhat inaccurate categories of autism, aspergers, adhd, add, high and low functioning etcera, and then was gradually broadened again under general brain-differences known as neuroatypicals or neurodiverse,” he took a breath and continued: “- I’m not too interested in 21st century history honestly, but I know the government upheavals affected medical classifications and concepts of what was known broadly as “disabilities” at the time, and that it fundamentally shifted again once we formed the federation. But then -” and here he started gesticulating widely in excitement or outrage - “it all becomes the same just repackaged, doesn’t? Stigma against augments who are overwhelmingly people like me is stigma against neurodiversity is stigma against the “possessed,” it’s…” he trailed off. “It’s all the same,” he finished lamely.

He’d become very aware suddenly that he’d done that thing that annoyed most of the people he ever conversed with, running his mouth while forgetting the other person. But Garak didn’t seem annoyed. He was listening intently, in fact. At the pause he even nodded and offered: “The history of such matters is different on Cardassia. Or rather, mental and developmental differences don’t get acknowledged on Cardassia.”

“Eugenics?” said Julian with a frown.

“Not as such. We don’t mind in theory, as long as everyone can perform the tasks they’re assigned to. It’s a… class thing. If you belong to a powerful family and are expected to do great things in the army or politics or the sciences, being unable to do so for any reason is usually – what is the term humans use? - “Swept under the rug.” But then someone like you, dear doctor, if you had been Cardassian it might surprisingly have been easier for you.”

Julian shook his head. “My abilities are due to my augmentations. I’d have been… I don’t know. Not me,” he said softly.

At that, Garak gave him a look that he couldn’t pin down. Something… surprised for a moment, almost? Then smoothed out into an enigmatic smile. “Perhaps. From what you tell me you’ve always processed like you do, you’ve just been given better tools to translate and more…” he searched for the word for a second, before landing on: “space.”

At that Julian burst out into an unexpected laugh. “I certainly have enough space out here. More than enough, I’d say.”

Garak’s smile deepened. “But it doesn’t matter. Either you were always going to be able to pursue medicine and the stigmas of your parents and surrounding society were preventing you from discovering that on your own, or your augmentations made you unlock new abilities. But on Cardassia someone with the kind of passion you possess would have done well, with or without them.”

“If I were born into the right class. And if I didn’t get arrested for being fundamentally against the militaristic state.”

“Naturally,” acceded Garak. “And I must say I’m quite relieved to find the incorruptible, perfect federation comes with its own flaws. One wouldn’t have expected it with the way humans constantly go on about it.”

“Oh, we go on about the federation? According to you Cardassia is superior in culture -”

“- oh, definitely -”

“- politics -”

“- without a doubt, my dear -”

“- criminal justice system?”

“- well, we’ve never brought a wrong case before the court-”

“- I know you’re just saying that to rile me up-”

“- my dear doctor, when have I ever been anything but sincere?”

“- when have you ever said anything you meant?”

“- I am offended, truly-” said Garak with a big grin on his face.

Julian found it the easiest thing in the galaxy to return.

“Remember to drink your water,” he was reminded, gently, before they continued their lunch discussion. It was a moment in which they both forgot that they had ever begun to drift apart in the first place.

—— The End ——-

[leam1983]

It’s the end of the work week and, well...

I’m having thoughts on labor culture.

My father was born in 1958. He lived as the son of an absent father of five children who had no ability to truthfully express his love and care, and who instead chose to bury himself in work as a means to display his commitment. My paternal grandfather made and sold mattressees and died quite young of a cancer strain that today would’ve seemed benign. He was described as a hard worker, either up to his neck in his business or wanting just a scant few hours per day to himself. It made an aloof lover out of him and a distant father - who still loved his wife and children to bits but who felt emotionally castrated in a sense, as were men of the era.

The family consensus is that his work killed him.

My father is now 65 and survived a bout of Non-Hodgkinian Lymphoma. The oncologist and anyone with half a brain agreed that stress was the culprit. Early on, Dad had the family as an excuse for his tendency to overwork. He had to provide for us, after all, and garnish my mother’s meagre savings. All she has is her government-issued pension plan, while my father does have his own pension as a retiree of the City of Montreal’s Real-Estate Appraisal service. Considering, he felt obligated to pull a heavier load to bring in more, so they’d have better investment opportunities. Later on, he kept working out of a sense of fealty and attachment to his division, breaking out of retirement during the pandemic to join the work-from-home team. He wanted to help techs and city officials find ways to bring more of the traditionally snail-mail-based parts of the system online so the city’s Land Management service wouldn’t be paralyzed by COVID-19. What was supposed to be a single month turned into four, which turned into twelve.

By the end, they were begging him to stay on the team and to pull longer hours. We’re talking twenty hours per day, in some particularly grueling stretches. That means being logged in by breakfast and scarfing bagels down with Urban Design techs on Zoom instead of your own family, or having supper with your boss because she needs a play-by-play of the situation to stave off her executive anxiety.

Long story short, I didn’t see Dad much during the first wave. His reasoning was that he’d eventually stop, pool all this cash, and chuck it into his and Mom’s Registered Retirement Savings Account - with maybe an extra two thou or so in case the country reopened enough for their postponed trip to Cuba to take place.

Guess what? His zona flared up and he ended up with odd, shingly bumps along his scalp which to this day the local dermatologist grimaces at and tentatively has us dab with cortisone cream.

Mom, though? She’s a retired and registered nurse with a self-negating streak and a chronic propensity to undervalue her own physical ailments. Someone who quite literally understands the pain of busted hips on a clinical level because she was trained in Gerontology - and also someone who refuses to schedule an appointment with her GP and who inexplicably self-medicates with white wine.

As for me, I’m a 37 year-old man with a paycheck I consider massive with its meagre six bucks above the minimum-wage threshold - someone who chose to shack in with his folks until the current crisis ends and who therefore has a history of a single, willingly terminated apartment lease that originally began in the Planned Housing market. The apartment I want is basically a Barbie doll house for adults, a gleaming fantasy I’ll never have enough capital to touch unless I feel like trying my hand with criminal applications of my skills. The apartment I can get right now is a shithole, and I have the audacity to think I deserve a shithole that at least wasn’t someone’s former cockroach den.

Now here’s the kicker: I value my sanity and my health. I know my mental stamina levels and I know from experience that after working seven-point-five hours per day with the occasionally shorter Friday, I’ve found my limit. I could invest more if I worked more, yes, and I’m already in a better position than my parents, retirement-wise. I’ll never be rich, but I’m already set to be comfortable, provided I don’t spend my golden years trying to make it as an unsponsored TechTuber or anything else that’s equally ludicrous.

Where that’s a problem is in the toxicity this is generating. See, I have the gall to slide my daily schedule later so I can start at an hour that fits my biological clock and ends at an hour where I’m at my most creative. That means the folks saw me spending my pandemic mornings on Animal Crossing while Dad was trying to wrangle Excel spreadsheets for non-tech-savvy fellow Boomers while preventing the dog from eating his meeting notes. That means they guzzled vinho verde like it was Kool-Aid after seven while I made sure to find more concrete means to distance myself from work - ideally ones that didn’t involve functional alcoholism.

Naturally, what was bound to happen, happened: Dad soon spent his evenings calling me shiftless or “unwilling to commit”, while I was stuck watching him miss all the cues his stressed-out body were sending him. We already had Trump’s last desperate months and a global plague to handle, I really didn’t want my work to turn into more of a nuisance than it already is. I already love the people I work for and hate what I do (repeating the family cycle, it seems), but I’ve at least decided to give myself ample Me time every single day. 

I’ve paired that with smaller, if consistent portfolio investments, along with a few new habits I wanted to get into to stay saner. Dad pulls crosswords or plays competitive chess in the wee hours, while I usually lay down to meditate around midnight and fall asleep by 1 AM at the latest. I’m half-expecting my father to pull a Tyler Durden and to sneer at me, at some point. “Self-care is masturbation,” he’d probably say.

Looking at classifieds for rentals, it’s obvious that the entire system is predicated on abuse. Work yourself down to the therapist’s office, right down to the fucking bone, and you just might earn a half-decent retirement because nobody’s taught you to invest incrementally. Nope, Society seems to say, you’re supposed to buy, buy and buy some more, until you realize you have ten years left to start from scratch!

I remember Dad’s face on my eighteenth birthday. “Why would you want a Disability Care Savings Account, Brain? You just turned into a legal adult by Canadian standards - you’re in no rush, right?”

I told him the real gift I wanted for my birthday, that day, was a ride to the family’s Financial Investments counsel. I pulled up the PDFs I’d printed out and filled and brought them over. From then on, if I dropped a penny in my nest-egg, Ottawa would drop another one. If my share grew, so did the government’s. In the twenty-odd years since, it’s expanded exponentially.

Dad thought I’d done this to have a big cushion by the time I’d retire. Mom thought I’d done this in case my disability worsened and I started requiring equipment or physical assistance. Honestly, my dumb, if slightly prescient eighteen year-old self figured I’d rather spend my time reading or playing video games than working. I knew I’d need something to help cushion my admittedly low career-related ambitions. I might throw several thousands at a new computer every seven to eight years, but that’s because I’ve saved them up for just as long, little by little. I have no vices beyond what sillicon offers and what you’d find in the pages of a book and don’t exactly need a big ‘ol, stonkin’ humidor stuffed with conoisseur stogies.

I have a shoebox with a poked-out Ziploc bag and a sponge, with a handful of joints and a few Santa Anas I got off of a buyer’s pool from work. Five of us occasional chair-bar goons pooled cash together on Cigar Chief and cushioned prices with a single, shared and massive order. I’m nowhere near rich, but assuming the housing market can catch its breath eventually, I’ll be able to live modestly - with one or two markers of occasional luxury I’ll have chosen.

I have a shittier job than my father has had and I’ve chosen to be happier than him. It’s just sad that the usual response elevates overwork as the supposedly one, true way to leave a mark in society.

No, Dad. I don’t want to die while my own cells eat me alive, I want to die blazed out of my fucking mind, happy because I’ll have had time to enjoy my friends’ company and to finally make some sense out of Kerouac’s Subterraneans or to figure out what the fuck is going on in Joyce’s Illiad. I’ll die crusty as shit and fulfilled as a Pop Culture jockey, because I’ll have either finished Persona 5: Golden in my lifetime or I’ll have watched the entirety of the MCU’s output before Disney finally manages to kill their golden goose.

I want to die decades from now, feeling like I at least owned my choices and didn’t spend my time tethered to someone else’s professional expectations of me.

[bigballofstress]

Fight Me (Clint Barton x Reader)

Description: You and Clint had been enemy assassins for years until one day he gets the jump on you, hitting you right in the stomach and leaving you barely able to move due to injury.  When he sees the collar that branded you as a slave of the Agency, he decides to take it on himself to help you recover, rather than turning you over to SHIELD.  Over the next few weeks, you start to bond.

The sky was beautiful today.  Lots of pretty white clouds, nice and fluffy so you can make out shapes in them.  It was a comfortable temperature, too -- not too cold that you needed a sweater but not so hot that you were dying in pants.

Speaking of dying, I’m pretty sure that’s what I was doing.  Pain flared in my abdomen as I struggled to take a breath from where I lay on the concrete ground.  I groaned at the pounding against my skull -- probably a result of banging it super hard on my way down.  The thing that hurt the most, though, was my pride.  I couldn’t believe I’d lost.  And to him of all people!

Black spots began to fill my vision, and I groaned again.  Of course I was going to pass out.  And when I woke up -- if I woke up -- I would probably be in jail.  Well that was just perfect.  Might as well just give in.  After all, I’m not exactly in any condition to fight.  I just hope I die now.  Later would probably be much more painful.

-Time Skip-

I gasped and sat up straight, eyes wide and heart pounding.  Immediately, my abdomen was on fire.

Oh god, that was a mistake.

I eased myself back down, resigning myself to glancing wildly around the room from where I was lying on the.... ratty old couch.  

That can’t be right.  Last thing I remembered, I was captured.  There should be lots of metal, cold, and handcuffs.

Well, I got one of three right.  A pair of standard regulation handcuffs sat uncomfortably on my wrists, which means I’m at the very least not back at the Agency.  They don’t deal in cuffs.  They use fear to make sure you don’t run

But if not the Agency and not a jail cell, then where the hell was I?

A soft click rang from somewhere behind the couch.  Quickly, I shut my eyes and slowed my breathing as instinct took over.  Soft footsteps crossed the carpeted floors to stand directly to my right.

“Glad to see you finally woke up,” a voice commented.  I kept my eyes closed.  There’s no way he could possibly know-- “I know you’re awake.”

...Crap.

I frowned and opened my eyes to meet those of my captor.  “How?”  I asked, my voice croaking.

He smirked, casually said, “You snore,” and left before I had a chance to say anything.  “You hungry?” he called.  I grit my teeth together.  I refused to give anything away.  If I did, they would kill me.  “Really?  You won’t talk?  It’s just breakfast, not nuclear codes.”  After another moment of silence, a sigh came from the other room.  “Have it your way.  Chinese food it is.”

Chinese?  Who the hell eats Chinese for breakfast?

I shook my head.  It wasn’t important.  I needed to figure out how to escape.  First thing’s first: I needed protection.  But he took all of my gear, and there wasn’t really anything useful nearby.  I eyed the cushions and pillows surrounding me and heaved a sigh.

It would have to do.

I awkwardly fumbled with my handcuffs, throwing as many pillows on top of myself as I could until I was buried inside of the makeshift fort.

Ok, now for weapons.

But I didn’t have a chance to find any weapons, because that was the moment he chose to walk back into the room, two white boxes of food in hand.  Our eyes caught and we both froze, neither of us really knowing what to say.

“Fight me,” I blurted out.

He chuckled and shook his head before beginning to move the cushions from on top of me.  “Maybe later,” he grinned and handed me one of the boxes.

I frowned and went to refuse it when my stomach let out what sounded like a war cry.  He smirked and shoved the box closer, causing me to let out a sigh and simply accept it.  Soon, I started wolfing down the noodles and chicken, barely even stopping for long enough to breath.  I ended up finishing the entire box in around 3 minutes.  I set down the box slowly, taking the time to stare at the man before me.  Cropped, dirty blonde hair, a square jaw, large calloused hands, and green eyes -- the exact face of the man I’d been fighting against and running from for the past five years.  Every mission, every kill, he’d been there, trying to stop me with his stupid little bow.  Honestly, it was just annoying.

“So are you gonna tell me your name, or do I have to keep calling you ‘you’?” He interrupted my internal rant.

I frowned.  “Yeah, sure, if you tell me yours,” I scoffed.  Shit, I wasn’t supposed to talk.  Really, though, I couldn’t just ignore it.  Like we would actually give up our names.  Only a complete rookie would be stupid enough to do that.

“Clint Barton at your service,” he grinned, holding out a hand.

I lifted a brow.  “Seriously?”  Ugh, why do I keep talking?

“Yup,” he grinned triumphantly.  “Now it’s your turn.”  Well, I could lie...  “And don’t lie, I can tell!”  He added quickly.  Well, he was probably right about that.  You learn to find liars pretty fast when you do what we do.

I sighed.  Screw it.  “Fine.  My name’s (Y/N),” I grumbled.

“Cool. I’ll just take your word for it, since I was totally bluffing with the whole ‘I’ll know thing’--” Wait, what?  “Anyways, you’d better get some rest.  You got pretty banged up back there.”  He stood and started picking up our trash.

“So, you’re not arresting me?” I asked slowly -- tentatively.

“No, not yet.  At least, not ‘till you’re better,” he shrugged.  “Besides, I had a sneaking suspicion you weren’t exactly acting of your own accord,” he added, holding up a leather choker.  My eyes went wide, and my hands flew to where it should have been around my neck.  “Pretty sophisticated stuff.  Took me a while to disable the tracker,” he continued casually, as though we were making small talk about the weather instead of my life.

I sat there a moment, in shock.  The tracker was off.  I could go free.  That is, if they don’t manage to find me first, which they probably would -- especially if I’m still injured.  Still, there’s a chance.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

Clint paused a moment, his back straightening, before quickly going back to cleaning up what looked to be a makeshift kitchen.  “No problem,” he muttered just loud enough so I could hear.  “Now get some rest.”

I smiled and nodded, sinking into the cushions.  With a soft sigh, I allowed my eyes to close.

You will never be free.  You run, and you die.  You think of running, and you die.  Do not try to escape.  You will not succeed.

I gasped, my eyes flying open and my heart pounding wildly.  My brain was still foggy from the dream.  I couldn’t remember where I was.  Something was definitely wrong, though.  I wasn’t in my room -- in fact, I don’t think I was even in the facility.  Wherever it was, I had to get out.  Now.

I moved to sit up, only to discover I had handcuffs on.  I must have been captured.  The Agency wouldn’t be happy about that.  I flung my upper body up so I was sitting.  Immediately, I let out a sharp yelp at the pain that flared in my abdomen.  I yanked my shirt up to find my entire lower torso bandaged.  I was injured.

“(Y/N)?”  Who the hell was that?  How does he know my name?!  I flung an arm out wildly in the direction of the voice and made contact with what felt like skin.  Good, I hit him.  “(Y/N), calm down!” He shouted, grabbing my wrists.  Why wasn’t he hitting back?  Who was this?

I frowned and wrestled with his grip, kicking my legs out and trying to ignore the pain.  He continued to hold me down, refusing to fight back.  I let out a growl of frustration.  “Fight m--”  I coughed hard, doubling over in pain.  Two arms wrapped around me, stroking my back comfortingly to work me through the fit.

“It’s ok, it was just a bad dream,” he murmured.  “It’s me, Clint.  You’re safe.”

Clint...

Clint!

Everything came rushing back in a tital wave of information.  Slowly, I relaxed in his grip, allowing the coughing to pass.  We sat like that for a few minutes.

“Why didn’t you fight back?” I whispered into the dark.

Clint chuckled and shrugged.  “’Cause I knew you’d win.”

I smiled at the stupid comment and leaned into his grip, eventually just falling asleep like that.

-Time Skip-

It had been a few weeks since I first woke up on Clint’s couch, and by now, my stomach had mostly healed.  We had spent the past weeks talking and joking with each other.  We had actually grown rather close.  As it turns out, we both love sandwiches, coffee, and above all else, dogs.  I told him about the Agency and how I was forced into everything I had done, and I truly think he believed me.  He even promised me that I would never have to go back.  In return, he had told me about him being deaf without his hearing aids -- a fact that had honestly shocked me, considering how well he fights.  The hand-cuffs hadn’t come off, but I didn’t really mind.  It was just a precaution -- one that I would have taken, too, had it been the other way around.

I heard the door opening and grinned, burrowing further under the blankets I had piled on top of myself.  “Your weapon, sir,” I held out one of the pillows as Clint rounded the corner.  Clint smiled for a moment but it quickly fell.  I frowned and sat up straight.  “What’s wrong?”  I furrowed my brows a bit, searching his eyes in concern.

“(Y/N), I have to go back to SHIELD,” he said softly, not quite meeting my eyes.  “And they’re going to be expecting me to bring you with me.”

My breath caught, and I swallowed hard.  “I’m guessing they’re not exactly looking to give me a fair trial?” I said, my voice slightly hoarse.  Clint shook his head.  I winced slightly.  “Ok, I nodded slowly and pursed my lips together.  “I’ll-- I’ll go with you.”

Clint nodded, continuing to stare at the ground.  “I just need to grab a few things before we go.”  He set his coat down on the table and left.  The coat which I had seen him put his keys in countless times.

I stared at it in shock.  With those keys, I could escape.  No jail, no SHIELD, no nothing!  I reached my hands out but paused halfway.  No nothing meant no Clint, too.  I glanced at the door he had gone through and frowned.  He had never been so careless before, and guilt was tearing its way through my gut at the thought of taking advantage of it.

Actually, come to think of it, he had never even come close to being so careless.  Maybe...

My hand darted out the rest of the way, and I grabbed the jacket, digging through the pockets until my hand wrapped around cold metal and yanked out the key.

I stared down at it for a second in absolute silence.  Then, I started to laugh.

That absolute idiot.

Stuck to the key was a sticky note that read, ‘Fight me?’ alongside what must have been a secure phone number.

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head and smiling at the stupid note.  I took it off and slipped it into my pocket, making use of the keys to unlock the cuffs around my wrist.  I made my way to the front door and turned around to look at the door he had disappeared through.

I grinned and flung the door open.  “Get ready for the fight of your life, Barton,” I muttered and let the door shut.

[eldritchsurveys]

696.

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? >> If money were no object, absolutely, because I could then stop settling for clothing that doesn’t quite fit well or has bad textures just because they’re within my budget or because I can’t afford replacements. Also, maybe I could get stuff custom-made instead of dealing with whatever the stores deign to sell.

How do you/did you get to school? >> I took a bus for most years, but for junior and senior year I lived in a town with no school bus system so I walked.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn't do? >> Yeah, a lot when I was young. I guess I make a great scapegoat.

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? >> If an admirer doesn’t overstep my boundaries and doesn’t expect me to reciprocate whatever it is they’re feeling, then it’s fine, I don’t care. I’ll take any positive attention I can get.

What was the last song you sung out loud? >> I don’t remember.

Have you ever had to have a pet put down? >> No.

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? >> I never had this experience. I did drive Sparrow’s car around a school parking lot once, and that was pretty fun.

What was the last book you read? >> Recursion by Blake Crouch.

Did you enjoy it, or were you glad to be finished? >> I enjoyed it immensely.

Do you ever wonder what other people are thinking when they stare at you? >> Yes, because I’m quick to assume they’re thinking something negative but I’m aware enough to know that I might be wrong. But to be honest, I really don’t like being stared at for any reason, so I mostly just wish they’d stop.

Have you ever gone out of your way to get someone's attention? >> I don’t think so.

When was the last time you felt desperate? >> Earlier last week.

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? >> This morning, before I had a galaxy-brain moment and put on a pair of sunglasses to mitigate the overwhelming amount of daylight streaming into the apartment and overloading my nervous system. Just because I know I’m sensory-defensive doesn’t mean I always remember to, like, defend my senses. lmao.

What candy cane flavor is your favorite? >> I don’t have a favourite.

What is one thing a guy can do, but a woman shouldn't? >> ---

In your opinion, who doesn't deserve to be famous? >> ---

Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? >> I get upset, because it upsets me to have the Wrong food. But most of the time when I’m really upset about it it’s because I’d only noticed by the time we got home, or something, and I can’t do anything about it. If I notice while we’re still in or near the restaurant, then I don’t get nearly as upset because I can just... go fix it.

Have you ever had a ridiculous hair cut? >> I mean, probably.

What was your favorite elective class in high school? >> ---

Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? >> No. Was it hard for you to get up this morning? >> Not really.

Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could've sworn it happened? >> Yeah.

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? >> I don’t remember the last time I coloured in general (I usually colour with markers, anyway).

Can you remember the first survey you filled out? >> No way, lol.

Do you have any mental disorders? >> I could probably be diagnosed with a couple, but formal diagnosis really doesn’t interest me at this point. I have enough of an idea of what psychological criteria I fit that I can look up resources to help myself (and I have a direction to point SSI towards when it’s time to Prove My Disability To The Government), and that’s really all that matters right now.

Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? >> *shrug* I mean, I guess you could say that.

Where did you go on your last field trip? >> ---

What do you do when someone pushes their views on you? >> No one does that, really. I mean, I don’t even know how they would, considering how unfazed by social pressure I usually am. Dogma just doesn’t stick to me.

Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? >> I’m perfectly willing to agree to disagree.

Do you think you make a good first impression? >> Not always.

Do other people's first impressions stick with you? >> It depends on what my first impression was. If it was like “oh my god this person really comes off like a bigot”, yeah, that’s going to stick until explicitly proven otherwise. If it was like “oh hmm this person seems to be in a bad mood” then like, whatever. Moods change. Sometimes you just catch people on a bad day and that doesn’t mean they hate you forever.

Are you friends who you thought they were when you first met? >> ---

How have you changed in the past year? >> I really don’t know how to track this.

How about in the past five years? >> This is a little easier to track, because five years ago I didn’t even live here. But I don’t really have the energy to like, lay it all out in words right now.

What do you do when you feel like giving up on something? >> Sometimes I just give up on it. Other times I take a break. Other times I have a meltdown. Other times I push through.

Have you ever had to give up on someone? >> Yeah.

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? >> ---

Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? >> There are quite a few songs like that for me.

Do you think it's okay to like a cover more than an original? >> Who the fuck is going to stop me...?

What band do you wish was still making music? >> Meh.

Do you still watch any cartoons? >> Sure, I watch cartoons.

Are you just too lazy to recycle? >> I guess, more or less. I also don’t really see the value in it anymore. Reducing and reusing seem to have more immediate effects that I can observe in my own life; recycling is just another industry with its own emissions problems at this point.

Think of the last person you talked to--do you love him/her? >> Sure.

Do you fit your zodiac sign? >> My natal chart seems to be an astute character sheet for me.

What is one of your weak points? >> I don’t know.

What is one of your strong points? >> Meh.

Are you calm in emergency situations? >> More often than not, yeah. Unless said emergency situation includes a lot of environmental stimuli, in which case that will frazzle me (although the situation itself might not).

When was the last time you cursed at someone? >> As in, with the intent of being mean, not just cursing in conversation? I really don’t remember.

Are you afraid of losing someone you love? >> I’m always afraid of losing Can Calah.

Who are you most attached to? >> ^

What do you depend on other people for? >> Most of my quality of life, seeing as I can’t live off this government income alone.

Are you good at reading other people's body language? >> I don’t know, maybe.

Do you like facial hair? How about chest hair? >> It’s fine.

If you have a favorite number, how did you choose it? >> I didn’t really choose it, it’s kind of just... I don’t know. It’s part of the fabric of my reality or something blah blah blah.

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? >> I mean... wouldn’t that depend on the specific breakup...

What goes through your mind when someone asks you out? >> ^ (But also in general, I’m going to react defensively to being asked out because... I don’t date, and anyone asking me out either doesn’t know me well enough to even initiate that sort of intimacy or doesn’t care that I’m aromantic, which is not a good look either way.)

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? >> My shoes match with all my outfits.

Do you style your hair daily? >> No.

Who was the last person to compliment your appearance? What'd they say? >> I don’t remember. I think the only person that really compliments my appearance these days is Sparrow, anyway. Is there any movie you just can't stand to watch? >> Yeah.

What do you think of pornography? >> I mean, it serves a purpose.

What hair products do you use regularly? >> Shampoo. Also this tea tree oil stuff that I don’t know if it works or not but I don’t have a better idea.

Does it bother you when people use extremely bad grammar? >> No. Most of the time “bad” grammar isn’t an impedence to communication, so I don’t see what the big deal is. (Obviously if you’re writing for, say, an academic journal, there is a certain standard of writing one should be following. But people are always complaining about bad grammar on, like, tumblr, and who fucking cares? Ain’t nobody being graded on mastery of Strunk’s Elements of Style here.)

Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? >> Er, one’s gender isn’t what determines how comfortable I am talking about sex with them.

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? >> There’s something to be said about the lack of compassion that male doctors often display towards people who are perceived as female, which I do take into account, but ultimately I figure it’s still about the individual doctor and not whatever configuration their chromosomes are in. I’ll take a competent, compassionate male doctor just like I’d take a competent, compassionate female doctor.

Have you ever had major surgery? >> No.

Could you go a month without speaking? >> I think it would be rather inconsiderate for me to go a month without speaking to Sparrow. I have had periods of selective mutism, of course, especially during depressions, but if it lasted long enough I would eventually have to make some attempt to work around it.

What goes through your mind when you see someone very obese? >> I mean, nothing specific.

How about when you see someone very thin? >> Once again, nothing specific.

Is there any food you don't like that a lot of others do? >> Yeah, milk chocolate.

Have you ever followed a trend? If so, what was it? >> When I was younger, certainly. You know, when I actually paid attention to trends. I have no idea what’s even trendy right now, except like... VSCO? Is that still a thing? Shit moves too fast these days, man.

Have you ever started a trend, even a small one? >> Not to my knowledge.

What was the last thing you bragged about? >> I don’t know.

[tottwriter]

Progress Update

So! The eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that I’ve been making considerably fewer story updates for a while now. I haven’t really given much of an explanation up until now (hand injuries aside), because I’d kept hoping that, any week now, things would resolve themselves and I’d go back to “normal”.

Well, spoiler: They haven’t. and for at least a few more months, they probably won’t. With that in mind, I’d like to let people know what’s been going on.

I’ve been a single parent for five years now. I make no secret of that, or of the fact that I have health issues - disabilities - which sometimes affect my ability to write. What I haven’t really covered before is the extent to which my various health complications are hereditary. 

The fact of the matter is, over the last few months I have been experiencing a considerable amount of stress and time loss due to my son developing several persistent symptoms of some of these conditions. We’re currently waiting on a formal diagnosis - which will likely only arrive after several more hospital appointments - but he’s been on and off missing school, and experiencing a lot of insomnia to boot. 

It goes utterly without saying that my first priority is my children. I feel like that’s pretty obvious, but lately it has meant taking him to appointments, fetching him from school early at times (then making arrangements for my daughter to be collected), and comforting him when he is distressed and in pain, or unable to sleep. 

At the same time, I am keeping a closer eye on my daughter, who will quite possibly start experiencing the same things in a couple of years. I’m hoping that by forging a relationship with the consultants I see for my son now, I can speed up that side of things when the time comes. 

I’ll be blunt now - I am well aware that this is not information which is particularly interesting to many people. I’m not here to make this a cry for help or play the martyr - there’s nothing life or death or particularly dramatic about my situation, and I have plenty of family support. My children have a good relationship with their father and he and I get along and are working together on this. In the long term, it’ll all be completely fine. 

For the short term, however, I am emotionally devastated, and the result of that is that my creative output has almost run dry. It’s not just a matter of losing time and physical energy in order to care for my son - he’s ten. For the most part he looks after himself pretty well these days. I probably lose more time to seizures than I do to the extra caretaking, and that always left me with plenty of time to write in before.

What’s wiping me right now is the emotional side of things. My son is in pain almost every day, and while as a parent that’s pretty hard to cope with - hell, as a human it’s hard to know that someone you care about is in pain all the time - what is really compounding this one is that on some level, it is my fault. This is a condition he inherited from me, and I know it’s not going anywhere. 

I want to tell him I’ll fix it, or that even if I can’t, someone else can, but I can’t make that promise because I know damn well it’s a lie. In fact, if his health follows the same pattern that mine did, it’s actually probably going to get worse for a few years before it starts to improve. 

I often joke that I spent half my teens on crutches or in hospital. It’s not much of an exaggeration, and although I just sorta got on with it at the time, that was when no one knew what was going on, or that my constant ankle injuries were anything other than bad luck. By the time I started experiencing regular excruciating pain in my knees and hips, I was old enough to more or less get on with it, albeit with the aid of very strong painkillers and good friends. It was a bugger, sure, but at that point I’d gotten used to it. 

Now I’m faced with the prospect of probably having to tell a ten year old to “get used to it”. That pain and discomfort and dizziness are going to be his faithful companions throughout his formative years. Honestly I can’t actually describe how that feels, other than to say it’s a piece of shit. 

This is a long post to make, about a topic which is honestly pretty sensitive, and I’ve tried to keep it relatively free from woe-is-me sentiment. I’m not here to fish for comfort. Honestly, I’ve gone back and forth on whether to share details about this at all. I’m aware that this is personal stuff, and that a lot of people don’t need or want to know. 

I thought about dropping it below a cut, too, but ultimately decided to leave it in plain view. I’m not going to make this post again, but I did want to make it visible. Not, as I say, for the pity party, but because these health complications are serious, ever bit as important to me as the political issues I might share, or the LGBT+ issues I highlight.

Disability is a huge facet of how I have been shaped and grown over the years, and I refuse to hide it tidily away behind a cut to be glossed over, intentionally or not. Ultimately, this is a twofold statement. Firstly, to explain why my fiction has been thin on the ground lately (it is absolutely 100% not that I have lost interest in writing or my fandoms), and secondly to make a definitive statement about the nature of disability, and how insidious it can be.

I do not consider myself depressed at the current time. I’ve experienced it before, post-partum, and I can tell the difference. But there’s no denying that my mental wellbeing right now is compromised by the situation I find myself in, and at the moment I don’t know how long that will last, or how it will affect my other health problems. 

I’m going to do my best to keep writing. And this...this clusterfuck will pass in time. Until it does, all I ask is that people continue to bear with me, because I might still slip up and promise to finish something soon, only to miss the deadline I’ve set myself again. If there’s one thing which will probably never change about me, it’s my constant habit of pushing for unrealistic goals. 

I’m not going to mope after this post, either. It’ll be right back to my regular randomness, so please don’t feel that you need to tread on eggshells or avoid certain topics. As I mentioned earlier, this isn’t life or death, just...creatively draining.

[stars-and-branches]

1, 7, 12, 15, 17, 19, 21, 23, 24, 25, 27, 30, 31, 38, 39, 42-51, 53, 57, 58 (would just love it hear more about), 60, 65, 70, 72, 73, 78-83, 90, 93 (hate this term being used outside of indigenous contexts but an animal you connect with), 94-97, 99

Answers under the cut!

1. What’s one animal you wish you could have as a pet but can’t?

A snake, I think they’re really cool! I don’t really know enough about reptiles to be able to have one and care for it properly though.

7. Chocolate or fruity candy?

I am,,,,, a fruity bitch. I like fruity candy most of the time but sometimes chocolate hits the spot.

12. Any hidden talents?

Not really hidden but I don’t talk about it a lot on here. I know how to play the piano! I took lessons for a decade.

15. Favorite board game?

Mexican train, my family plays it sometimes for game night and it’s fun.

17. Heat on or keep it cold with lots of layers?

Layerssss. It could be below zero outside and I’d still keep the windows cracked open so I can layer on more blankets.

19. Favorite song to belt out at the top of your lungs when you’re alone?

Any song Hozier’s ever made, the My Chemical Romance Danger Days album, or just whatever is living in my head rent free. Lately it’s been sea shanties.

21. At what age did you first have alcohol?

I think I was in middle school? My Dad gave me a sip of his beer expecting some dramatic reaction and uh, that didn’t happen.

23. What’s the most amount of money you’ve spent on a single item of clothing?

I don’t really like spending money - paying the housing deposit out of pocket is a little painful rn - so I guess $40ish?

24. What do you typically wear to formal events?

When I was younger I never had a choice and was always shoved into a dress. Nowadays I’d probably go by how dysphoric I’m feeling. I want to wear a suit at least once!

25. Favorite memory?

Hoooo boy that’s hard to pick. I guess going to see Dead and Company for a three day show at the Hollywood Bowl a year before my Mom died. We had a lot of fun, it was really beautiful, and there were a lot of good moments.

27. Favorite shoes?

I have a pair of black leather heeled boots with red laces. I refer to them as my “stompy boots”. They’re the only thing I own that emits top energy and I never wear them because they have a five inch heel and I have lots of foot pain.

30. Have you ever had braces?

Unfortunately. I got them taken off a few months ago though :D

31. Most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?

Drive. I’m the walking talking stereotype of gays being unable to drive. I almost crashed my grandmother’s car with my entire family in it. Not a fun time.

38. What color do you wear the most?

I answered this in a different ask but black. I’m trying to incorporate more colors into my clothes though!

39. Favorite season?

The rainy season where I live. For a few months the usually barren desert teems with life. It’s beautiful and the only time I can actually grow anything.

42. First car you ever owned?

I have a 2001 Honda Accord.

43. What time do you usually go to bed?

Early. My friends often give me shit for having the sleeping hours of a retiree. I used to be a night owl but I had to get up at 4am all throughout high school so I started going to bed immediately after dinner. I haven’t been able to kick the habit.

44. Are you a competitive person?

Yes but I don’t like competitions. I’m competitive in the sense that I’m constantly comparing myself to how others are doing and I try to be better than those around me. Of course, I’d never admit this out loud but the internet is fine apparently a;kjnvdfdasdvdf

45. Least favorite color?

Orange.

46. First pet you’ve ever owned?

A small tabby cat named India. I still have her, my parents got her when I was 4 months old :).

47. Sweet or salty?

Yes.

48. Favorite pasta dish?

Ravioli!!!

49. Favorite kind of chips?

Limon chips. Though black pepper is a close second.

50. Talk about something you’re passionate about.

I did this in a previous ask and I’m tired so this question gets a skip.

51. What are some of your hobbies?

Baking, gardening, video games, reading, journaling, drawing.

53. Favorite kind of pizza?

Either vegetarian pizza or margherita pizza.

57. Favorite labels about you?

I take pride in my queerness and being disabled. The latter because I love the spoonie community and it’s a huge part of my identity.

58. Are you a religious person?

Yes, in the sense that I’m a very spiritual person. I’m a witch. I’ve considered myself a pagan for the past five years, and I’m currently exploring Christianity since my religious path has grown too stagnant.

60. What size shoe do you wear?

It depends on the phase of the moon just about, lmao. I wear a 6 1/2, as wide as the shoemaker can make it. I have really short but really wide feet.

65. Favorite fruit?

Yes. I love most fruits (fuck pears).

70. Favorite dessert?

I don’t really have a set favorite? If I had to pick I guess it would be a fruit tart.

72. Age you learned how to swim?

Either 6 or 7.

73. Tell a funny story.

I used to be friends with a guy who was like. Ridiculously tall. Ultra flamboyant, very loud, like if the color neon orange was condensed into a human being. In my sophomore year of highschool we sat on some bleachers during the homecoming pep rally. He refused to stand up for the national anthem. We were sitting directly in front of the football players in the most redneck school in california. I sat down with him because I didn’t want to witness him getting jumped and thrown off the bleachers. We got called a bunch of slurs through the whole anthem and screamed at. Stuff was thrown at us. They kept kicking us repeatedly. One dude was kicking his neck over and over. The football players were more of a disruption than we were. Eventually, everyone sat down and they finally got bored and stopped. Aside from the one kid who was kicking the person I was friends with, he passed time by throwing pieces of food at us. 

This kid, who I’m dubbing Dipshit McGee, kept doing this until I heard him suddenly yell, “Oh shit!”

I looked over my shoulder. My friend at the time started guffawing. Dipshit McGee dropped his phone from the top of the bleachers and it shattered into a million little pieces on the dirt below.

78. What’s your favorite compliment to give?

Usually simple things that express my appreciation. I use “I love you” a lot with my family. There’s only so many times that you get the chance to say it.

79. What’s your favorite compliment to receive?

Honestly any compliment. I’m not used to flattery so my brain just shuts down instantly.

80. Has your opinion changed on something recently?

Yup, that’s why I’m looking into abrahamic religions.

81. Do you always order the same thing at a restaurant or order something different each time?

If I go to the restaurant a lot then I’ll usually just order the same thing. If it’s somewhere new I’ll switch things up a bit.

82. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?

Crochet. It’s something all the women in my family do. I have all the tools I need (except for yarn) but haven’t brought myself to work on it.

83. If you could learn to do anything right now, what would it be?

On top of all the other stuff I’m learning? Maybe increase my cooking/baking skills! I want to work with pastry more.

90. What’s something you wish you had more knowledge about?

The occult, spirituality, religion. I’m always chasing after knowledge in those areas.

93. What’s your spirit animal?

Yeah, I hate this term being used in a non-indigenous context too. As far as an animal I connect with goes, it’s a tie between snakes and cats. Cats because I love them dearly and have connected with them my whole life, we vibe. Snakes because I love their spiritual significance: connection to the earth, constantly shedding their skin and changing.

94. What’s the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to you?

Managing to steer the car away from crashing in the incident I mentioned in 31.

95. Are you the type to have an organized mess, or no mess at all?

No mess at all, preferably. I like to keep my space relatively tidy. Mess makes me really stressed.

96. Do you tend to make decisions based on the past, present, or future?

All three.

97. Are you a planner or a more spontaneous person?

I’m more of a planner. Spontaneity is very difficult for me but I’m trying to improve.

99. What do you hope never changes?

My ability to romanticize the small parts of my life, to find joy in even the simplest of things.

[polyamradiotranscripts]

Ep. 1 New relationship Energy

polyAM Radio espisode one: New Relationship Energy

[Begin transcript]

[Sophie]: Hello everybody and welcome to polyam radio. I'm Sophie Last-name-redacted

[Mara]: And I'm Mara Fake-last-name

[Sophie]: Welcome to the first episode of our brand new podcast about polyamory that weird relationship thing you do with lots of other people.

["Crazy little thing called love" by Queen plays]

[Sophie]: as i mentioned my name is Sophie, I'm a trans womam my pronouns are she her hers

[Mara]: I'm mara, I use them them theirs pronouns

[Sophie]: we're engaged

[Mara]: pretty cool, no big deal, whatever

[Sophie]: yeah, little bit, ya know, fiancees, plural

[Mara]: cool

[Sophie]: yeah and we've been doing poly for about four or five years now, depending on when you start counting

[Mara]: yeah yeah I'd say do

[Sophie]: yeah yeah cuz we've been together for almost six years this is our new show and we just wanted to tell you a little about it before we jump right in to this weeks topic. Basically this show is going to be about queer, trans, modern polyamory, we're not really going to be talking about swinging a whole lot we're not relly going to be talking about open relationships, or strict heirarchical structures very much, we're going to be talking about very egalitarian very feminist oriented polyamory

[Mara]: well and and, and not that those things are awful or horrible or bad or wrong it's just uh, this is this is what our experience is, this is what works well for us this is what works well for a lot of other people

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely the goal of this podcast is not to rip on those things

[Mara]: well and and I think it's like worth mentioning when you and I started polyamory like we had a tiered open relationship and like that just that didn't work for us that was a bad time uh

[Sophie]: yeah I mean we were also like literal kids and, dumb, and stuff

[Mara]:  oh yeah, no, we were dumb high schoolers

[Sophie]: yeah, so

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: uh, yeah, high school sweethearts, lets talk a little bit about the structure of the show basically we're gonna try to drop episodes every other week. We're just starting so if we mess up a little bit, really sorry, there's not much we can do about it

[Mara]: we're humans

[Sophie]: yeah we're both students, uh, which is like a subcategory of humans uh that we someday hope to become humans, someday we hope to become humans, not inhumans like the x-men or whatever

[Mara]: well we're alreay inhumans, sike

[Sophie]: yeah I suppose

[Mara]: human, inhumans

[Sophie]: cuz I've got all these special powers, um

[Mara]: like weeping

[Sophie]: yeah, like lots of crying. Like i said we're going to try to drop shows every other week we're going to have a different topic on every show there's a small chance that if sometime we feel like there's new information out or something like that or our perscpectives have changed we'll drop an episode on a topic and revisit it, uh but generally speaking we're going to try to keep it fresh. How this is going to work is that me, Sophie, so you'll learn my name Sophie Sophie Sophie. I'm going to be the main host of this show, and Mara is going to be one of a couple co-hosts that help me out all the time so Mara is a voice you'll be hearing from a lot but probably not on every single episode. Got some other partners that wanna get in the rotation get in the mix, partly just to keep the perscpective fresh and everone's an expert on different things which is actually where I'm going next which is we're going to have occasional guest speakers on the show that are really knowledgable about specific things, because personally me, I don't consider myself an expert on poly or polyamory

[Mara]: Oh, god and I know I'm not and expert

[Sophie]: Yeah, absolutely I've only been doing it for four or five years, there's no way I could be and expert in something in that little amount of time. Ya know your undergrad takes four or five years and you barely know anything after that

[Mara]: well and and some people just have like different experiences too

[Sophie]: right exactly there are ascpects of polyamory that I can't speak to because I haven't had those experiences I think it would be really cool at some point to do a program or ya know uh and episode about having polyamorous parents and being a child raised in that. I was not in that situation so I can't really speak to it. So, we're going to try to mix it up, you're always going to have to deal with me unfortunately, uh, just to kind of keep some moderate level of consistency in how the show works, we're going to roate out the guest speakers based on ya know just kind of what information and experiences they have and can speak to

[Mara]: If this was a heirarchical relationship Sophie would be like your primary and I would be like a secondary [laughs]

[Sophie]: we don't do that bull shit here because, well  in my opinion it's inherently unhealthy and it makes people feel like they're less worthy and our beloved co-host is not less worthy so we also wanna talk about us some of  the other sections so we're gonna have some people talk about the main topic but we're also gonna have an advice section, hopefully and a lot of that is depedent on you the listener ya know if you want us to have a really cool advice section you have to send us really cool quetsions

[Mara]: I mean because the only thing I can give advice on is Oh my god both of my partners leave their dishes in the sink and don't do their dishes so how do I get my partners to do the dishes so like it can be goofy things like that or it can be, help, my partner is moving across the country how do I cope with this

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely and how do I tell them I'm that I'm running off or being scared or stuff like that, so it can be silly or serious if you want a sill or serious answer depending I mean you'll kind of get out of this what you put into it. basically what we're gonna try to do is if we get a lot of quetsions on a certain topic that'll inform what topics we cover in main episodes to try to hit couple of those with one stone and then address those quetsions directly, uh, or if ya know we may if we get a ton a ton a quetsions we may just do an episode at some point that is just ya know no cohesive structure just answering quetsions because y'all loved em and it was really popular

[Mara]: that would be a lot of fun

[Sophie]: that would be a lot of fun I would really dig that like ya know once every couple months just do an advice show, so the best way to reach us then would be either on twitter uh its polyam_radio uh you can tweet at us or you can send us and email with your quetsion and if you don't want it in public but you want it answered in a public medium, which would be weird, but you're certainly free to do that if it's longer than [Sophie]:40 character or however long they give you on twitter and our email is polyamradio@gmail.com and I believe that's right I'm going to check it and vamp for time until I do

[Mara]: [vamp with 'do do do']

[Sophie]: [vamp with 'do do do']

[Sophie]: Oh no I typed in fmail on my computer not gmail

[Mara]: uh while sophie looks that up actually I could probably

[Sophie]: polyamradio all underscrore no, uh all lowercase no underscore anything at gmail.com so poly a m radio, it's a joke ya get it? cuz AM radio is a medium where you talk to people on the radio and we call it polyam cuz polyamory. Alright so lets jump right in to talking about what this is actually supposed to be about now that we've waste about ten minutes of your time we're going to talk about new relationship energy today, we figured it would be good because this podcast is shiny and new and we're relly excited about it and we hope you're really excited about it and a lot of times when relationships are new they are bright and shiny and sometimes you do dumb shit because of it

[Mara]: sometimes?

[Sophie]: sometimes, yeah, uh

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: yeah sometimes uh

[Mara]: speaking only for myself here I do really dumb shit

[Sophie]: yeah and it's really interesting because the times you where you haven't done dumb shit uh because you're in a new relationship generally speaking that just means that it hasn't been the appropriate amount of months since you've done that dumb shit and you're not ready to really own up to it yet so if you're like that's not me I'm not doing dumb shit cuz of my new relationship tweet at me in like six months or whatever and then we'll talk

[Mara]: sophie is the queen of doing that

[Sophie]: okay I mean you say that but like saying that is kind of I think is reductionist because like I do dumb shit all the time anyways

[Mara]: okay true but like you're you're new relationship dumb shit is like [wooshing noise]

[Sophie]: yeah well part of it is that um like, we talk about, we're going to be talking about disability and a lot of stuff on this show uh I'm bipolar so I have to deal with mania on top of new relationship energy sometimes and ya know I mean, I've taken psychology clases and we learned about mania as running naked through the shopping mall ya know in this extreeme cases and that's not at all what mania is in most people's lives I have had some, relationship equivalents of running naked through the shopping mall uh ya know I've definitley um ya know called a partner like 80 times or something like that, in a matter of, however long, ya know or at least it felt like 80 times

[Mara]: let me just pull up my phone records

[Sophie]: yeah, honestly,

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]:yeah well you live with me so you get the worst of it

[Mara]: middle of the night, cuddle me[sustained]

[Sophie]: okay, thats not even, well yeah um, that was mania lat night but normally that's just cuz I'm a huge cuddle bug

[Mara]: that's true

[Sophie]: anyways, um, new relationship energy uh it feels weird and it can makes us do dumb shit and sometimes it can even make our partners insecure so we want to have a discussion about it because as people who have started a lot of new relationships recently it's been something that's been very prevalent in our lives and it's been something that we've had to deal with ya know I I kind of alluded to this before but we don't neccecarliy consider ourselves experts on poly, we consider ourselves and I consider myself someone who has made a lot of poly mistakes and who has done a lot of things wrong, and I've also done a lot of things right because just by rote of doing this for a long enough ya know you, you make lots of decisions and choices and actions and some of thema are great and some of them are not so great and we wanna talk about that so I wanna preface all of this with, we do not consider ourselves experts on it, this is our experience, what we think, if you think we're totally wrong I'm not gonna say that you're wrong and that we're totally right, uh I do think that ya know I think that no matter who you are or where you're coming from even if you're a monogamous you'll be able to get something out of this cuz a lot of these feelings and experiences and what not aren't neccecarliy unique to polyamory in my mind  

[Mara]: yeah uh so now that we've been like babbling at you about new relationship energy new relationship energy we should probably like talk about what it is so people are sitting there like horrifically confused so it's kind of almost exactly what it sounds like

[Sophie]: Webster's Dictionary defines it as

[Mara]: yeah okay [laughs] so Webster Dictionary definition probably more like, urban dictionary definition

[Sophie]: ooh that was a good goof I like that

[Mara]: you could proba- like so you know how you feel so happy like you're gonna puke in the begining of a relationship just like constantly just like the butterlies in you're stomach and this person can do no wrong, and oh my god how is everybody not in love with this person maybe, mabye that's just me but like I oh my gosh I like I feel like I'm gonna puke I'm so happy when when I start a new relationship, it's pretty dumb

[Sophie]: yeah well with me a lot of times it manifests itself in uh a manner similar to ya know I'm always wanting to talk to this person always wanting to be around this person and even there are times when I'm kind of saturated with them where it's like wow, I could really use a moment alone to myself to like clean my glasses and wipe my ass and just ya know someth- like time where it's like a little isolated little quality time alone, that's good sometimes uh you want to hermit a little bit and that is normally what happens with partners with me at least just because you can't be around people constantly, problem is, is that a lot of times with new relationship energy that feeling of wanting to isolate yourself just a little bit every now and then isn't there, at least for me uh and that can cause some problems either just because you're around people all the time or you're neglecting your other relationships or responsibilities, it's like we're both students who have like homework and shit, so it can cause you to, in some cases neglect other areas of your life because you're, ya know, hopping into bed with this perosn when you have other shit to do or you just wanna, ya know , you're planning your day around getting dinner with them even though you've seen them every day this week and just kind of going to uh sometimes like comical levels of effort just to spend time with this person and kind of shoe horn-ing it in, for me a lot of times that's what it ends up looking like and a lot like Mara said that it feels like butterlies it feels like this person is amazing and oh my god I can't believe they're into me and, ya know, sometimes even just being insecure and being like maybe the're not into me so, uh, for me a lot of times that's how it manifests

[Mara]: um, yeah, for me I'm like oh I don't know I just I I get super super into people and I'm like not not neccecarliy like I wanna be around you every second of every day uh like Sophie gets I I very much value my alone time and my hermitage time and I will like totally straight up interrupt dates with partners to be like, ya, no I need to be alone, I need to take a bath with a bath bomb and just like chillax that's that's who I am as a person but like I'll be constantly thinking about them, I'll be wanting to spend all of my time with them, I'll like, I don't shut up about people when I get new relationship energy like I will just talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, to anyone who will listen to me uh which that's it's not great

[Sophie]: yeah Mara really like ya know how um the kind of the romance dime novel that I'm not actually convinced anybody reads

[Mara]: speak for yourself

[Sophie]: woah wow okay

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: that's a guilty pleasure you should feel bad about [laughs] wow okay yeah learning new things learning new things about my fiance gonna have to like process that later but you know like the shitty fantasy dime novels where it's like ya know, she swooned or whatever an like then like Ma- Mara gets very swoony over new partners and it's really cute and it's endearing

[Mara]: well I'm glad you think so

[Sophie]: well they think so to typically at least in my experience ya know everyone thinks you're super cute

[Mara]: that's alright I just kinda want to die uhh [laughs]

[Sophie]: well it's also really funny because you're really shy

[Mara]: [quietly] yeahhh

[Sophie]: so you're swooning but a lot of times you're to nervous to talk to people

[Mara]: they must'nt know, they must'nt know I swooned over them Sophie

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely

[Mara]: they'll think me a harlot

[Sophie]: well you are

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: ya know, so [laughs] sorry I'm just imagining you as the kind of person who's concerned with being a harlot or not and it's I'm not handling it

[Mara]: I I don't know what you're talking about I don't know what you're trying to imply about me

[Sophie]: yeah well I mean [pause] okay

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: yeah right now I am stammering worse than Mara does when talking to a new partner, ba dum cha oh with the look I'm getting right now folks

[Mara]: your intent was to shoot an arrow through my heart

[Sophie]: yeah yeah

[Mara]: fuckin bullseye

[Sophie]:  like this is an audio only medium but like I hope you can hear like the fear in my voice from the look I'm getting right now is, it is not great folks

[Mara]: yes clearly I am a very terrifying person

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely

[Mara]: [laughs] but so, so like the dumb stuff it can make you do, uh, that's what it is, that's how it feels

[Sophie]: so, so let me ask you a question then, basically it feels good generally right?

[Mara]: um, yes but

[Sophie]: yeah good but weird, ya know

[Mara]: well and and there are times where I don't know, speaking of like disability I'm, I've been like horrifically depressed my entire life so like when I'm really happy I'm just like alright when's the other shoe gonna drop what's gonna happen, but ya know

[Sophie]: yeah, I'm not saying it can go on for, indefinitely like if we're talking about ice cream like ya know I'm very lactose intolerant I shouldn't be eating ice cream at all but like, ya know the fact that we say ice cream tastes good doesn't mean that we always and only ever want to eat ice cream

[Mara]: oh yeah, no, no

[Sophie]: so so like this is a feeling that's generally good right like it's not a bad feeling

[Mara]: sometimes it's like being strapped to an emotional comet or at least for me ya know it's just kind of like this person has has tied like something around my heart and has just kind of sent it off into space and like I can't think straight and I don't like it all the time

[Sophie]: that's fair I uh a lot of times I get annoyed that I'm always thinking about this person cuz ya know I'm a I'm mean I've frequently got other stuff I'm trying to focus on like come on y'all I'm trying to do this calculus here like I can't be thinking about sucking on this persons face right now like ya know, derivatives they're sexy and they're important and  I should be doing them

[Mara]: that's cute

[Sophie]: yeah

[Mara]: uh

[Sophie]: that's my life

[Mara]: and I think I think for me um part of why I don't always neccecarliy like enjoy the the uh intense excitement is I I think that like I can kind of feel like I'm like neglecting my partners sometimes like oh oh I'm just so excited that it's kind of like negatively affecting this relationship I think that ya know it can feel really nice and really really exiting but I think sometimes why I don't neccecarliy enjoy uh that that strapped to an emotional comet feeling is um being like with other partners I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk right and I'm constantly talking about my new partner and like oh what if they're getting annoyed what if they're feeling left out like what if I'm neglecting my partner for this other person and that's a really horrible feeling for me personally

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely and that's actually what I kinda wanted to get into here, ya know, we talk about this and it's, ya know again like I said it's it's like a roller coaster or ice cream or whatever it's not neccecarliy bad it's not always what you're in the mood for and there is a tim- there is a point where it becomes too much but like what are some of the negative effects of new relationship energy because ya know we chose this to be the first episode of our podcast and at least in my mind it would be weird to have picked that and have it just be something that we talk about where it's like oh it's this vaugley inconvinient little thing that doesn't really affect you or your other relationships at all like cuz in my experience it does have, ya know for lack of a better term some deleterious, some bad uh effects, some drawbacks so what are some ways that uh in your experience uh new relationship energy can be a bad thing

[Mara]: [laughs] le- let let me think of a couple examples here

[Sophie]: I think I think for one at the very least is ya know all the dumb shit it makes you do

[Mara]: Oh yeah no for sure

[Sophie]: like we talked about that briefly but like ya know it's worth bringing up again like uh it can make you make an ass of yourself ya know I had a relationship a while back where ya know it was making me kind of blin- the new relationship energy was kinda making me blind to how this how this other partner was treating and interacting with some of my other partners and, ya know, not to say that ya know this person wasn't the devil by any means but there were lots of like little like slights and everything going on and it was causing my partner a lot of well well you it was causing you a lot of anxiety

[Mara]: yeah it was

[Sophie]: and it was making, ya know, the fact that I wasn't seeing this was making you feel gaslit when it was something that ya know I was having a hard time validating because I ya know I wasn't noticing and I wasn't picking up on these frankly very subtle signals and and and whatnot

[Mara]: well and I think the hardest thing too was that um like even if you weren't picking up on it like you weren't listening ya ya know and that was the really hard thing for me

[Sophie]: yeah I think new relationship energy makes communication harder and I and I think that's the reality of it, ya know

[Mara]: well and I think especially like something, uh, dumb shit that you do when when you're um when you're experiencing new relationship energy is, ya know , it's the problem isn't you, right and the problem isn't this new person like it's, what could be wrong like you know this relationship is so great it can be really hard to to listen to what this other person is trying to say to you like hey here's how your attidute towards this is kind of hurting me

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely and I think that ya know to a big degree it's not like this person couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong it just feels like, get off their back ya know it just feels like what do they do that's so bad

[Mara]: well and you don't know them like I do, and

[Sophie]: yeah absolutely it's like you're not spending all this time with them and everything and ya know and you're trying to make the new relationship work, you're always worried that you're gonna scare someone off or whatever and that's pretty standard stuff that we all ya know deal with and what not I mean I don't I don't think that  doesn't make you the devil because you're having this new relationship energy

[Mara]: oh god no no

[Sophie]: it can just kind of make you blind to certain things that are going on, not even saying this new partner ya know this isn't a problem that only occurs if your new partner happens to be someone who is secretly totally toxic ya know this is a problem that occurs ya know like lots of people have like little things about them that make them ya know not a hundred percent positive influences on your life like there's no way anybody's a hundred percent positive influence on your life unless they're totally bullshitting you putting a ton of effort into it that's why being a parent is hard that's why your parents don't talk to you the same fucking way they do their friends is because they're trying to be a hundred percent positive, well, most parents I think are ya know are at least trying to be a hundred percent positive influence, I think a lot of them fall way short but that's an entirely different conversation ya know the fact of the matter is, is that when you're trying to be a good influence for someone you behave differently then when you're just, like, chilling around them and spending time with them doing all this other shit ya know so like, it can make you blind to, to some of things your partners are bringing up I think is the big thing for me ya know I, what are some other ways that new relationship energy can kind of, hurt other relationships or or that relationship itself

[Mara]: um, I I think sometimes like I've personally made some pretty like rash decisions about a partner before ya know in the new relationship energy phase and ya know all of the sudden the new relationship energy is dissapated and like you're hanging out with them and you're like oh, oh no like

[Sophie]: [laughs]

[Mara]: what have I done here, ya know I uh, I don't think I want this with this person anymore how, how do I talk to this person about it I think that's something that can be like for me it's a very big concern it's like am I making this decision about this partner because it's genuinley what I feel and what I want or am I making this with uh, ya know, the dopamine and they oxytocin and all those fun brain chemicals are kinda like they got you going and they, this person can do no wrong like let's move in and live together and have babies together and and all the sudden, oh shit, I don't wanna have babies I don't even wanna like with this person let alone even have babies ya know

[Sophie]: yeah well and I also think that ya know realistically I know we've both been in situations where new relationship energy has made us get into more commited relationships then we had time for and we were ready for uh, that's happened a couple times realistically and it's been really hard to back pedal uh because that's not a fun conversation to have with someone and be like yeah listen I'm still interested in you but ya know how we were gonna be ya know this really committed really serious thing, that's not actually something I'm ready for and I was just being really foolish and foolhardy and I'm sorry that was a shitty thing I did like that is not a conversation that is fun to have for anybody and it's really hard to come back from there, ya know it's kind of like you can't un-fuck someone, you can't, ya know, you can stop sleeping with someone you can can, ya know you can choose to not continue to do it but you can't undo the fact that you did it and that can be really hard to do

[Mara]: right, well you can't take back the the words that you said and the feelings that it caused like  I think that's something that ya know this is this is a relationship and I've kind of made this bond to you, I can't I can't really get un-engaged from you at this point like we can't just say ohh nevermind like we don't wanna be engaged anymore we we kind of have to say like alright like what does what does this

[Sophie]: well I wanna put out there ya know we could but it would be messy

[Mara]: oh yeah [laughs]

[Sophie]: we would have to like re-structure our whole relationship and focus for probably years on returning to whatever point that we wanted to get to with a lesser commitment I mean and ya know whether or not the relationship would survive that I honestly can't say I, just like, not that I would want to leave you if you did that or whatever, just that's a really tricky thing to learn how to navigate

[Mara]: yeah for sure well and I think like ya know even even on the flip side of like ya ya know, I think sometimes when I'm ha- with a partner who's experiencing a lot of new relationship energy like this is this is a personal flaw uh I can feel like kind of left out or like oh, this partner doesn't actually love me they love this person way more they're just with me because I'm familiar and ya know I've I've been with them for a while and I'm just, ya know they're gonna get sick of me and they're gonna get tired of me and they don't actually like me like that is that is something that I have concerns about and like part of that is like acutal emotional trauma from my past, but, like part of that too is just kind of, we're, we're kind of surrounded by this society that thinks oh monogamy is the one true way and all you polyamorous people are gonna settle down and, umm, which is that's just dumb

[Sophie]: yeah it's foolish

[Mara]: like you know it's not doing this because I don't want commitment, I have several commitments like I want commitment it's not I don't want commitment uh,

[Sophie]: yeah I more commitment in one of my relationships, this one in particular than most monogamous people do in theirs and then if you add up all the commitments from all of my relationships into one gigantic scary comittment monster, ya know it becomes

[Mara]: [gasp] is this what I've been hearing about? The commitment monster

[Sophie]: the commitment monster yeah

[Mara]: is this why people get cold feet?

[Sophie]: I guess, yeah

[Mara]: is the comittment monster coming for them?

[Sophie]: we have our first celebirty appearance on our show it's the commitment monster

[Mara]: [growling a la commitment monster]

[Sophie]: wow yeah

[Mara]: [growling] I do [growling]

[Sophie]: [laughs]

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: hello commitment monster how are you doing today

[Mara]: I'm, I don't know will I wanna be with you forever and ever

[Sophie]: oh no how do I get out of this now

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: see that's how they get ya folks ya konw commitment monster I gotta say you sound a lot like uh like a t-rex but you look a lot like if cookie monster and animal had a baby and I'm just really curious about that

[Mara]: I am the product of their commitment

[Sophie]: [laughs]  well you heard it here first folks cookie monster and animal the muppets are in a triad with a t-rex and they're very committed and they're presumeably very happy a well maybe not becuase that's why a monster grew out of it they're in an unhappy triad

[Mara]: [normal voice] no it's their baby

[Sophie]: ohh, oh it's like spwan thing

[Mara]: yeah

[Sophie]: oh I thought this was like a metaphysical I though this was like a metaphysical being that arose out of like ya know just like the spirit of commitment

[Mara]: I mean I think everybody has their own commitment monster, some of those are acutal tangible babies

[Sophie]: fuck that's deep

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: ya know you say like you're ripping on babies a lot for someone who like ya know was the one who convinced me to have kids

[Mara]: oh god I love babies like don't get me wrong I love babies, I'm not ripping on babies I I think but you know for some people, they're afraid of having kids and for them like that comittment monster is kind of realized in like I don't wanna have kids, I'm scared of having kids with this person I'm scared of like ya know

[Sophie]: that's fair

[Mara]: like I'm scared of being saddled to this tiny little life for eighteen years that's a long time folks

[Sophie]: yeah that's fair well and, well really forever, like basically until you die because like at eighteen years ya know like they don't stop being your kid like you just like

[Mara]: the relationship changed

[Sophie]: yeah like that is the best case scenario for when you no longer have to deal with them in your house anymore

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: like that is the shortest commitment for like okay how much longer until this little fuck isn't eating my food anymore like that's what eighteen is

[Mara]: and even they come back from college and uh hi mom sorry for eating all your food

[Sophie]: I didn't but my parents don't keep food in the house they

[Mara]: right well that's a different story

[Sophie]: yeah they subsist on like saltines, apples, and Fox News alone, yeah it's pretty rough

[Mara]: well the racism is enough to kind of sustain any white American I suppose

[Sophie]: any good red blooded American can be sustained on racism alone

[Mara]: [laughs] but, I digress or we digress

[Sophie]: yeah, yeah that got kind of off there but I liked it

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: I like where it went

[Mara]:  but it can really kinda feel like um ya know it it you're old and you're boring and your partner is just going to get rid of you right that's like the ultimate goal of your partner ge- they're interested in somebody else so they must be more interested in them than you like thats just the very monogamous attidute towards it, right? but like we personally practice relationship anarchy all of our relationships just are what they are and they don't really have effects on ya know what another relationship looks like like my relationship to Sophie does not uh affect my relationship with another partner or anybody else really just like ya know having, being friends with one individual doesn't affect your friendship with somebody else I think that's pretty silly when you think about you're you're friendships that way so why would you think about like you're re- romantic relationships, sorry folks, there is there is a squirrel

[Sophie]: yeah there

[Mara]: stealing an apple out of our compost

[Sophie]: a whole apple that got just too rotten to eat so I threw it out

[Mara]: oh that squirrel is going to have the greatest day of its life folks

[Sophie]: litterally like I'm just watching a squirrel just jizz its pants over how much food it found

[Mara]: it's having new relationship energy over this apple

[Sophie]: my biggest concern is that it's gonna hop down from our deck, which is on the second floor of our, so it's an apartment it's on the second floor, my biggest fear right now is that the squirrel is gonna try to jump down from here with the apple in its mouth instead of just knocking it down and retreiving it and that the extra weight is gonna make it hit the ground real real hard and just kill it

[Mara]: and that is why new relationship energy is dangerous folks

[Sophie]: yeah I guess

[Mara]: it uh that apple, that apple will get ya every time

[Sophie]: yeah well, apple a day, well ya know keep the doctor away cuz you are a squirrel and it will kill you

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: [laughs] okay, uh

[Mara]: goodness gracious

[Sophie]: yeah yeah we're great at this we're really good podcasters folks this is just like people are like tuning in for their auditory experience of the day and just just having a blasty blast

[Mara]: they're getting, a squirrel

[Sophie]: yeah

[Mara]: oh no

[Sophie]: oh he'll be back

[Mara]: I hope so

[Sophie]: the apple is still there he not

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: god I swear to god all of this is making it through post, so anyways going back to things feeling like maybe your partner is only with you because it's, ya know, familiar and and it can start to feel like maybe you're just there as a saftey net for your partner uh and ya know maybe they're not just into you maybe they're just into the stability of you and I gotta say folks, if you're feeling that way about your partner, I don't know you, I don't know your partner, ya brain's lyin to ya, it just is, I I got that feeling all the time about a lot of different partners and I gotta tell you like I'm really fortunate my partners got they're so fucking into me they're it's it's rediculous

[Mara]: it's pretty dumb

[Sophie]: it's like they don't even know who I am

[Mara]: [laughs]

[Sophie]: it's real bad folks

[Mara]: I uh well yeah it's it's ya know

[Sophie]: well but but my point is like this isn't something that, ya know y'all aren't just with me cuz it's easy to be because I'm not always the easiest person to be with and y'all aren't just in this for stability or whatever cuz, here's the thing when people are in relationships just for the stability they get out of those relationships because that's not something that they probably want to continue to be in, if there's someone else they'd rather be with and they no longer want to be with you they do this thing called a break-up or a divorce or whatever we  have a word for that folks, so, ya know, that's a little message from me to you, that's not what's happening, but it can feel that way and if you are feeling that way it's super important to communicate that to your partner, and it's okay to just say hey, ya know I know you've got a lot of new relationship energy and I I'm supporting that, that's great ya know that's real real good

[Mara]: right like I'm excited for you too

[Sophie]: yeah I'm feelin compersion, I'm happy for your happiness and I'm happy because of your happiness even though it doesn't directly impact me it's called compersion ya know that that like I said that's all good good stuff, and it's also okay to be like ya know I'm just, I'm feeling a little insecure and I'm feeling like maybe you're just with me because this is familiar and, ya know, I just need reasurance, do you still wanna be with me and everything and probably they'll say yes because you're a real real cool person uh and they'll just put their arm around you and say hey listen it's familiar, but not too familiar

[Mara]: but not too not familiar

[Sophie]: it's a new craze, something something "mbmbam" and then you'll go have sex because your problems will be solved, if you're into having sex when your problems are solved

[Mara]: [gasp] sorry, the squirrel wants to come in

[Sophie]: he can't

[Mara]: I know he can't, sorry folks, you were getting into this for they polyamory and it's just squi- it's all squirrels now

[Sophie]: yeah you can tell your friends about it if they're into squirrels and shit, so that's basically our take on new relationship energy uh if there's anything you felt we left out or anything you want to add to the conversation feel to take that to our twitter or to our email, preferably twitter because it's public and then other people can benefit from what you have to say because I'm sure it's genius, if you wanna holler at us because we did everything wrong that's fine too, ya know, just try to be nice about it we're both, ya know, pretty new to podcasting this might now be the best, ya know the most deligh-, this might not be the most delectable audio experience you've ever had but we're working hard to make it better and any tips you have about that would also be appriciated, I do wanna mention quick that we were welcomed into the trans podcaster visibility initiative so we are part of that network, and I just wanna thank them for their help and guidence while we were getting started it's been a huge huge help and actually before I even made this first episode ya know I had just sent someone a message to ask them a question and, ya know, one thing let to another and we were invited to join this good good network where all these trans, queer podcasters are uh, ya know, making their art, and making their stuff and I just think it's really cool and we're really fortunate to be a part of that and I think we're gonna have some real good guest speakers because of that network also I doubt they'll ever hear this but I just want, I think we both kinda want to thank, the entire Mcelroy family especially Griffin, Travis, Justin, and Clint for just being real real bad at Dungeons and Dragons and for getting us into podcasting through "Mbmbam" and "The Adventure Zone" they're not paying us to say that, just real big fans and you should go watch their stuff, uh

[Mara]: or listen

[Sophie]: er, listen to their stuff, yeah because this is an audio medium and I know that because I'm looking at a microphone and no camera, so anyways this has been polyAM radio and just a reminder before you go, don't date your best friends dad and don't date your dad's best friend, see ya next time folks

["Good old fashioned lover boy" by Queen plays]

[Announcer]: This show was part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative

[End transcript]

[gothic-safari-clown]

The Mind’s Power Over the Body

Part 23: Into the Spotlight

Story summary: They only ever had each other. It had been that way since high school, ever since Elianna transferred to dreary Arlen and took Jonathan under her wing. They go separate ways for college, and when they're reunited at Arkham Asylum professionally, Elianna comes to find that they've both changed during their time separated. Can she look past the promise of danger and stay by Jonathan's side as they slide further and further into the darkness while she grapples to come to terms with the truth about herself? Can she accept what needs to be done in order to hold onto the only person who holds any meaning in her life? This is a very self-indulgent AU that draws from several different canons of the DCU and ignoring others, starting in the Batman Begins Nolanverse. This will follow the plot of the movie, although the timeline has been very slightly tweaked.

Word count: 1340

To say that Elianna was furious at being sent away was an understatement. To be left out of something big like that, combined with the fact that she was still a little wary around Falcone's men, made her blood boil. She understood that what was done was done, and she couldn't change it, but that didn't mean she had to be happy about it.

"I'm assuming you all have access to a safe house or something somewhere?" She pulled off her mask and pushed her hair back from her face.

"Yeah, it's here in the Narrows. Hopefully, they won't think to look close by," said the man driving, Axel, referring to the police sirens blaring from somewhere behind them.

"That's fine, but drive around for a bit to make sure we don't have a tail," she ordered, looking out of the passenger side-view mirror.

"The boss said to get you safe quickly." El felt a familiar rage flare up inside of her, and she lashed out without thinking.

"He isn't here right now, which means I'm the boss," she snarled and grabbed the man by the ear, yanking hard. He cried out, more out of surprise than pain, although it did hurt. "I may not be the one paying you, but I can gas you just as easily. It's easier to hide one person than it is to hide four. Argue with me again, and I won't hesitate to make examples of all three of you. Do I make myself clear?" She finished, stroking the ridge of the beak on her mask almost longingly. She hadn't gotten to gas anyone yet, and at the moment, there was nothing she'd rather do more.

"Y-yes, boss," the driver winced. The woman beside him didn't invoke much fear on her own, but even if she couldn't gas him, the fact that she was Scarecrow's girl made her a force to be reckoned with.

"Good boy," she said in a sickly sweet voice, releasing his ear and letting him continue driving without distraction. The two goons in the backseat (Aleksi and Sam) shifted uncomfortably at her outburst, noting not to make her angry.

After driving in aimless, confusing turns for almost half an hour, they finally made it to the safe house, which was only a five-minute drive from the asylum. The group rushed inside, checking their backs as they darted into the dilapidated apartment building and up two flights of stairs to their unit. One of the thugs produced a key and let them inside, at which point Elianna immediately turned the television on to the first news station she could find.

"—locally renowned psychiatrist and Arkham administrative representative, Doctor Jonathan Crane, who seems to have had a violent psychotic break. He has been subdued by the GCPD, apparently with the help of Gotham's new vigilante, the Batman himself. Crane has been sedated and admitted to Arkham. His motivations remain unknown."

El's heart dropped to the floor, leaving her too shocked to be angry, and the remote clattered to the hardwood at her feet. Her mind raced, unsure of what to do now that Jonathan had been locked away. He was the brains behind the organization; she was just along for the ride, pretending to be important.

What was she supposed to do now?

She collapsed onto the couch, staring at the television in shock.

"Boss?" The tentative voice pulled her back to the present slightly. "We're going to get him out." The unspoken leader of the trio of men assured her, his hand landing on her shoulder again. She nodded stiffly, gathering her thoughts.

"Yeah. Yeah, we will. Axel, Aleksi, Sam, I'm sorry for snapping at you like that in the car," her voice came out quieter than intended. "I'm very grateful to all of you for helping us. And it looks like we got to you just in time."

"It's alright, nothing we ain't heard before. Do we have a plan?" El shook her head.

"Not yet. And I don't have any connections that would help us here." She had thought for a moment to call Harley and ask her, but she had just gotten her "career-making case," and honestly? They weren't close enough for El to persuade her to break the law for her.

No, besides the thugs around her, she was alone. The thought made her throat feel tight, and she felt the tiniest of pricking at her eyes. No! No crying, especially not here. It was time for her to step up and take charge.

Her mind drifted back to memories of her busting Jonathan out of the chapel and stealing him away in the middle of the night, only barely getting away from Granny. This was just like that. He was locked somewhere horrible, and she was the only one who could do anything about it.

Decisively, she retrieved the remote and turned the TV off, returning to her feet.

"It's okay. Between the four of us, we can figure something out by tomorrow. It doesn't have to be pretty or particularly clever; we just have to get him out. I mean, if Zsasz can escape, I'm sure Jona-uh, Scarecrow can." The men nodded in agreement, ignoring her slip. "Come on, does anybody here know anyone who can help?" At that, Sam, the youngest of the group, perked up.

"I've got a cousin, crooked cop!"

"Okay, that's a good start, Sam, but I think we're going to need someone a little bigger than a cop. We can build on that, though."

"No, he's a...shit, what do you call 'em? He's some officer for a SWAT agency; his unit will do anything he tells them."

Ah. That was good news. El could feel the gears turning in her head as she thought through her timeline.

"Okay...okay! That's perfect actually, can you call him? We'll need the whole squad to avoid too much suspicion, but we only need a couple to go inside first." Her mind was racing, a mile a minute as she put the pieces together

"What's the plan, boss?" Axel leaned forward, elbows on knees, eager to hear this plan. All things considered, he couldn't help but like working for her so far. She had only threatened him once, followed with an apology, and had included the men in her scheming. He didn't know much about being a good leader, but it seemed like she did.

Besides, if she liked them enough, she might be able to get them to safety before the end of Gotham.

"We're going to wait until tomorrow night. The police will be questioning him right now. Besides, our benefactor won't arrive until tomorrow, and we can't go without his supervision. Sam will get his guys involved; they're going to go in and take care of the night guard and disable all security." She had been pacing the small living room, but here she stopped and faced her men. "We're going to let everyone out. There are plenty of violent criminals inside, that will be more than enough for a distraction. From there, the SWAT uniforms will blend right in, and we just need them to make sure our man gets out and has his mask."

"Sounds simple enough." Aleksi nodded.

"Exactly. Nice and easy, and I don't think they'll be expecting anyone to bust him out so soon." She nodded in agreement. "Okay then, Sam, why don't you give your cousin a call, explain the situation, and we should all get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be big," she sighed. "And that's an understatement."

While Sam was on the phone, Aleksi went about making sure the apartment was secure, and Axel sought to scrounge up some food for them. El took the opportunity to familiarize herself with the old apartment. The building itself seemed mostly abandoned except for maybe a few squatters. El made a mental note of that in case something went wrong. It could be a good temporary shelter, at least.

Hopefully, they wouldn't need to use it again.

[kenzie-simcox]

100 questions

p: 1. What's your middle name, and do you like it? * Margaret, I have mixed feelings about it 2. are you artistic? * Not really, but I love art 3. Have you had your first kiss? * Yes 4. What is your life goal? * To be truly happy 5. Do you have any expieriences with a famous person? * Yes. I've been to multiple meet and greets. They were all so amazing. 6. Do you play any sports? * Softball 7. What's your worst fear? * Falling. I can't do heights at all if I don't feel secure. 8. Who's your biggest inspiration? * My mom. 9. Do you have any cool talents? * I don't think so 10. are you a morning person? * Hell no. I feel so shitty in the morning even if I wake up at 11. 11. How do you feel about pet names? * They're cute. I'm sort of obsessed with them tbh 12. Do you like to read? * Yes yes 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. * Teen Wolf, forever and always my favorite show and has taken over my life. * Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf honestly is a great woman power figure and anything with Blake Lively makes me happy. 14. Do you care about your follower count? * No. I just like having Tumblr 15. What's the best dream you've had? * I don't remember my dreams 16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? * No 17. Do you have any pets? * 1 dog named Maggie. And two bunnies, Jack and Rose 18. Are you religious? * No 19. Are you a people person? * Not really 20. Are you considered popular? * I don't do labels 21. What is one of your bad habits? * Not caring about what happens 22. What's something that makes you feel vulnerable * Almost everything 23. What would you name your children? * I don't like kids so I don't plan on having children, but if I did girl would be Blake or Kendall and the boy would be Cameron or Nathaniel 24. Who's your celebrity crush? * Sebastian Stan and Harry Styles 25. What's your best subject? * English 26. Dogs or cats? * Dogs 27. most used social media besides tumblr? * Instagram hands down 28. best friends name * I don't label people as my best friend, but my closest friends name is Noelle 29. who does your main family consist of * Me and my mom 30. Chocolate or sugar * Neither 31. have you ever been on a date? * Double 32. Do you like rollercosters? * Yes as long as I feel secure in it and I do research to see if anything horrible has happened on it 33. Can you swim? * Yeah, but I hate water 34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse? * Probably grab everything I love and hid 35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder * Yes. Depression, anxiety, and bulimia. All doctor diagnosed 36. Are your parents together? * No 37. What's your favourite colour? * Definitely blue 38. What country are you from/do you live in? * America 39. Favourite singer? * I have so many it's not even funny, but here are some * Zayn Malik * Niall Horan * Harry Styles * Selena Gomez * TØP (bands count as singers right?) * Bea Miller * Backstreet Boys * He is We * Shawn Mendes * Halsey * And many many more 40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? * Honestly yes, even most of my friends see me as being famous. 41. Do you like dresses? * I love dresses but I hate wearing them. I'm too fat. 42. Favourite song right now? * Song Like You by Bea Miller * Fool For You by Zayn 43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? * No. I love talking about sex. It's fun tbh 44. How old were you when you first got your period? * The ripe age of 9 45. Have you ever shot a gun? * Yes, my grandpa owns a gun range 46. Have you ever done yoga? * Yes. I love yoga, especially not yoga. It's so fun 47. Are you a horror girl? * Omg yes. Halloween time is the best. Horror movies are so fun. Haunted house are what I love for 48. Are you good at giving advice? * Yes. I love helping people in any situation. I've been through a lot so I know how to give some good advice. 49. Tell us a story about your childhood. * My childhood was a piece of shot tbh. Um I don't really know what to put. But I loved with my grandparents until I was 4. Then I lived with my mom and father. My mom had a child when I was 6. My father was/is an alcoholic. He only would hurt my mom until I was around the age of 11 he would start to hurt me. My father walked out on us when I was 13. 50. How are you doing today? * Not the greatest. Lately o have been getting better and I haven't been such a downer or anything but life is rough, but I'm trying to find the bright side 51. Were you a cute kid? * Honestly yes. I had the cutest chubby checks ever, my family used to call my chipmunk. I was very very pale and had dark brown hair, almost black, so my family also called me Snow White, but I was afraid of Snow White so I would cry 52. Can you dance? * Nope 53. Is there anything you do that you can't remember ever not doing? * Being boy crazy. Honestly I've always loved boys (I'm not straight tho). 54. Have you ever dyed your hair? * I dye it all the time. It's been blue, green, aqua, blonde, purple, plum, wine red, chocolate brown, and I've done highlights when I was younger. 55. What colour are your eyes? * They change a lot. But mostly blue and grey 56. What's your favourite animal? * Pigs and giraffes 57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? * All the time 58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? * My mom. I don't talk to my father 59. Do you have good friends? * Some are good some are toxic 60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? * YES!! 61. What's your favourite class? * Biology of Medical Sciences 62. List all the tv shows you are watching. * Teen Wolf (ending soon😢) * TVD (just ended😢) * Gossip Girl * Gilmore Girls * The Fosters * Shameless 63. Are you organized? * Depends 64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? * Well I just watched If I Stay for the 1000000x and I love it. But last movie I saw in theaters was A Cure For Wellness and honestly that movie was my shit. So good 11/10 would recommend 67. Which tv character do you relate to most? * Rory Gilmore from the Gilmore Girls. Fun fact my mom was going to name me Rory after her, but my father X it 68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness? * My past * My father * And my ability to not love myself 69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing? * Traveling and meeting celebrities 70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? * Idk. I would want to die. I'd hate to never be able to die. HAVE YOU SEEN AGE OF ADALINE 71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? * Nothing 72. If you could start over, what would you do differently? * Everything. 73. Would you break the law to save a loved one? * Yeah. Most laws are a piece of shit anyway 74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new? * Over the summer. I went to Jelly Stone Park 75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? * Being slightly happy and my bed 76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today? * Nothing 77. What did you want to be when you were a kid? * A zoologist 78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking? * Not much tbh 79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have? * Idk. I speak up a lot. I like to voice my opinion. 80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence * High school, graduate high school, go to college (preferably Chatham university or Duke University), and along the way of that try and become famous 81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like? * I'd actually get things done. My life wouldn't be as boring. I'd probably be a little happier 82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity? * Meeting hot people. Meeting celebrities. 83. How would you spend a billion dollars? * Cars, dream house, makeup, and clothes 84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? * Past. I'm gonna see some of the future, but I will never see the past so why not 85. What motivates you to succeed? * The thought of being successful 86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? * Ummmm idk 87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? * City. I love the city so much. When I'm in the city it just makes me so happy. 88. Do you believe in life after death * In a way 89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? * None of them. I had bad teachers and good teachers, but none of them have inspired me 90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? * Being with my moms side of the family. There amazing people. I love them so much. 91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? * Michelle Obama because she is just such a powerful woman. She's honestly amazing. I'd love to talk to her about her views and thoughts. 92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? * Puppies. Animals that have an illness or disability and over come it or fight through it, same with humans. Meeting someone I look up to. 93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? * That I can't fix everything 94. What do you think happens after we die? * People grieve a little and then go on with their lives 95. What would you do if you would be invisible? * Like actually invisible, I'd probably sneak into concerts 96. What's something you can't do no matter how hard you try? * There's a lot of things I can't do but it's mostly because I don't try hard enough or try at all. 97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? * Slightly, but at the same time I like surprises. 98. How did your first crush develop? * It was in kindergarten where I had my first crush. But my first real one was in 6th grade, I sat across from him in math. We talked and got in trouble for it all the time. He was a really nice person. 99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? * I ignore most of my feelings. I don't want to feel sometimes. 100. Do you live or do you just exist? * I exist. I don't think I'll ever live