#honestly to have any lgbt+ friends/community around me at all would be nice

[zeloinator]

Dating a cis guy who is new to the LGBT+ (in general but also very new to being considered IN the actual space) is so rough because I am having to cosplay a sexuality and gender studies class but I am also taking it and I cant call him babygirl without him feeling weird about it but sometimes he’s so babygirl and I cant express that emotion with calling him cute.

[polyamorouspunk]

A couple weeks ago one of my friends said (and I quote) "My father thinks the LGBT community shouldn't have rights but he isn't a dick about it so it's fine. I don't think anyone should be forced to support them. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion."

Like, no he won't jump me in the street but he'll vote for someone who'll make it legal.

Idk. I think want to cut her out of my life but she supports me. That meaning she hasn't said anything rude and let me use her address to order my binder.

It just pisses me off that she could think like that because that isn't an opinion. It's prejudice.

I really don't know. Do you have any advice? Am I the dick here?

I was actually having some thoughts about this myself.

So at my work, if you haven’t been following up on my drama, there’s a manager that has been HARRASING us, and I’ve been around for it for one friend and one coworker. This manager is black and gay, super open to trans and nonbinary people, etc. and I’ve REALLY tried to connect to him over being gay, but he just treats me, us, like SHIT! And right now he seems to be targeting another coworker ^^ who is ALSO black and gay!! I just like. We’re supposed to be a community. We’re supposed to love each other but he’s SO MEAN. But the one person who ALWAYS has my back is my friend. And she’s like. Actually homophobic. But she doesn’t make a show of it. She just quietly thinks people shouldn’t be gay. And yet she treats me with actual, basic, human respect where as all of my other coworkers bully me, and sometimes her too. We’re the two that don’t fit in, and it has nothing to do with me being gay/trans clearly. The nicest person to me at work is a girl who doesn’t think I should be gay, and that’s why she’s my friend- because she’s the only one who treats me decently. And honestly at some point I think we’re all going to have to make a choice between gay people who are rude and mean to us and homophobic people who actual treat us with basic human decency and kindness. I get along with her. She’s my friend. She treats me kindly. We laugh and joke and have fun. It was only a point of contention between us. We don’t ever have these moments where our belief systems clash. We can just be friends. I look forward to seeing her every day because I would rather laugh with her than feel like I have to slink around my store and hide in fear of being yelled at.

Ending a friendship because of someone’s beliefs is a personal choice, but instead I’m now looking towards how people treat you. Sure you’re gay. But are you NICE. Sure you’re trans. But are you KIND. And I think I’ve come to the point where I would rather be friends with someone who doesn’t treat me like a freak and yell at me and bully me even if our beliefs don’t align instead of the idea of a perfect minority person who feels like they can bully me and put me down and take advantage of me. I don’t have any friends her but her. I can’t afford to cut people out of my life because they maybe think I shouldn’t be gay when she’s the one of the only people I feel like I can safely talk to. For me it comes down to this: are you kind? Do you yell at me? Do you bully me? Do you put me down? Do you treat me like a freak? Or do you listen to me? Do you compliment me? Do you tell me that it’s going to be okay? That’s what matters more to me right now.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I don’t know if you’ve talked about this before and I know you struggle with going out and you get exhausted and stuff, but in your area, are there any lgbt events you could go to even just for a little bit? Just to try it out. Maybe ask your sister to give you company or something. You could also go alone like with the bookstore. You could end up meeting someone, even making friends like you is nice.

Anon you offer some amazingly sound advice and I really don’t want this come across as me just pushing it aside - but I have a lot of trauma from my local LGBT group. I joined a youth lgbt group when I was in high school and when I say this group hated lesbians, oh boy, did they hate lesbians. I’ve been scared to go to lgbt groups because of this. I’ve also been to events where people my age who are lgbt went and they talked about other groups in the area, but based on the things they were saying they weren’t the type of people I really wanted to be hanging around.

I’m apart of some groups on MeetUp that are lesbian and lgbt women based, but honestly I’m both scared to go and lack a bit of the motivation. All the groups on there are from the city so it would take me a while to get there and then get home again. I still follow them, so I’m hoping one day I’ll get the motivation and courage. But I’m just scared about what could happen. I don’t want any repeats of things that have happened in the past. I know people tend to say this stuff only happens online or whatever, but that hasn’t been my experience. And I tend to get pretty nervous around other lgbt people, not going to lie. It’s a mix of being scared I’m going to be hated, feeling I don’t fit it, and jealously. I went to a convention a few years ago and had a massive breakdown in the convention hall because I say two women together. I don’t think I’m that bad anymore. Like I would start crying sometimes in public when I saw a gay couple because all these emotions would take over me. Now I just tend to get a bit jittery or quiet. And I mean it doesn’t always happen. It just depends on if I’m feeling a bit sensitive that day. If I’m feeling particularly lonely or isolated I think that’s when it tends to get worse.

I don’t want it to be this way though. I’m trying my best to work through it in therapy but honestly I don’t think a lot of the psychologists I’ve had understand what I’ve gone through. I’d been talking about this with one for a while but it took me being admitted into a mental health place and getting a CPTSD/PTSD diagnosis for her to believe me and realise I wasn’t just exaggerating. And with what happened with my last psychologist ( TW ———- ) and the conversation therapy rhetoric I went through I think my head is all frazzled on that end. I’m kind of scared to talk about it again. It doesn’t help that I feel like no one understands where I’m coming from or how to fix it.

Sorry I’m probably not making any sense right now lolol

But you are absolutely right!! I definitely need to be more productive in being apart of the community and meeting people to try and get rid of this feeling. And to stop being a jealous poo head at people in relationships lol. Because that certainly stunts the friendship game.

I’m going to try my best 💪💪 hopefully this year I can go to something and if not this year then next year 💖

Thank you again so much for popping in and giving your very kind advice ☺️💕💕 I hope you have a wonderful day!!

[icy-blue-rose]

Okay I just HAVE TO get this off my chest right now.

I was watching the new episode of 2.43 seiin koukou danshi volley-bu, and well, I decided to check out the comment section because hey! I want to hear what other fans of the series have to say, liked, and so on.

Instead however-

I was met by the most horrid comment section it reminded me why I usually dont actually interact with the anime community (and usually just talk to myself or make posts like this one that nobody will read aha)

But shit, I like, felt so uncomfortable.

Now before I rant a bit, if anyone skimming this may get offended let me make something clear.

If you just arent into the series, or don't like the show/series, then that's fair.

I have literally no problem if you dont like the show, or are simply expressing that you just dont like it and list your own reasons, I completely respect people's opinions and right to openly criticize series, even if I dont agree with it.

However, the following, while I wont actually attack people for it, just made me so uncomfortable for liking the show that I had to talk about it.

So here we go.

2.43 seiin koukou danshi volley-bu is not a sports shonen and so you shouldnt expect it to be written and animated like one.

People are free to say they dont like the animation, artstyle, or way the series is written, we all have our personal tastes.

But, like, it felt like non of the people commenting had a single brain cell.

No I am not exaggerating.

This series is written is a very particular way, one that I'm ABSOLUTELY loving.

I'm not fond of most writing styles and usually have a hard time reading novels but this one I particularly enjoy.

However, it felt like everyone was bashing it for how it's being written, not understanding what the author is doing or setting up, not even understanding the basic structure or style the author has used for their series.

It honestly made alot of the people complaining sound really dumb, no offence, but you all sound stupid.

Then there were our typical HUGE swarm of "ewww gaaaay, omg he blushed, omg so cringe, ewwww"

Which I mean, every sports anime has so I'm used to the endless flood of these types of comments but I find them really annoying because dont get me wrong.

I'm Queer.

I like LGBT anime/manga but I also really enjoy Yaoi and Yuri in it's pure ridiculous form at times (not I'm not saying all BL or GL is the same, I dont think I need to get into this rn)

And of course I enjoy shamelessly shipping and headcanoning characters as well, whatever I want because it's fun and I am aloud to HEADCANON all I want.

So or course I like to jokingly ship sports anime characters for fun, even if I dont genuinly ship it , or sometimes do.

Because I like certain relationship dynamics they can have that are never explored in anime/manga.

However, being serious for a second, I dont genuinly go around saying characters are "Gay for sure 100% yeeee"

People blush at their friends. People and characters can have deep bonds and relationships that arent romantic whatsoever and can STILL feel more like a romance than a real romance, despite it not being intended in that way at all.

It's so stupid to bash a character for "ewww gaaaay shit" when they blush at, someone they genuinly care about and have a non romantic relationship with?

Idk it just makes them seem dumb, internet trolls suck and I usually ignore them, I just feel like complaining today.

In the end I must say, the most annoying group of people in the comments were, as any 2.43 seiin koukou danshi volley-bu fan has seen, the fucking haikyuu fandom.

I feel like I should note that I love haikyuu, I do, it's great, for a sports shonen I do enjoy it alot.

After all I do love me some sports shonens.

But haikyuu fans need to buy some brain cells or critical thinking abilities.

Listen, to all the normal haikyuu fans like myself, I salute you and this is in no way direct towards any of you.

It's for the....other ones.

Haikyuu and 2.43 seiin koukou danshi volley-bu have a couple things in common.

Volleyball

Their source material started getting serialized around the same times

Some character designs look similar.

And I'd say that's about it.

Neither one "copied" a premise from the other.

Okay? Haikyuu fans? For fuck sake? Can you stop "omg they really are running out of ideas huh"

"Omg this is a haikyuu rip off"

"Omg this is a watered down shitty haikyuu knockoff"

I'm going to shoot myself I swear to god shut up.

No.

No.

And fucking no.

It isnt. They started coming out in the same few years, and start completely different, a knock off? How?

I dont even see it one bit.

Now on the topic of some similar character designs.

To put it in a way haikyuu fans would understand, I've seen over 12 Kageyama "lookalikes" in anime, ones from LONG BEFORE haikyuu, and long after.

It's literally a common thing in any media platform, but we've all seen the same character design used before in diffrent shows.

It's not new, character designs were not stolen, please get a fucking brain cell.

Also he looks more like Saiki.K in most of the anime shots in my opinion.

Now, if you like haikyuu and you're looking for another sports shonen to

Live up to the hype, have the same premise kinda or just that awesome animation and typical sports shonen storyline you love to fill the void until another haikyuu season comes out.

Just feel like watching another sports shonen in general.

It isnt the show for you.

Now if you want to check out a volleyball show, check it out and form your own opinion on it and for the love of god dont compare it to haikyuu.

It's a sports drama.

If you like shes like Stars Align, Battery, or even Ahiru no Sora (which I feel has a nice balance of sports and drama, rather then focusing on either category, it balances both really well) then this is a show for you to check out.

I've watched I think 4 diffrent baseball anime? Maybe 5?

I never once compared them to each other while watching.

While comparisons are fun to do! I love reading about parallels, series that inspired other series and examples of how it was done and all that awesome jazz!

It's not the same as actively comparing a show to another one while you watch it.

Especially when they arent even in the same genre category.

Anyways this probably seems like a pointless rant but the comment section actually crushed my week long built up excitement for the new episode, cause I had the misfortune of opening it first to see who else was hyped and enjoyed the episode, only to find well, all of this crap.

And fans like me who tried to politely digress and explain how the writing style is different than the average sports series, or explain why it's written how it is, alot of them got met with SWARMS of more ignorant and just plain ride comments.

Also all my "you're fucking stupid" comments in this rant, are directed towards those people in particular.

Now if you are simply genuinly confused about why there are time skips, why it's written how it is, or any other things, this is not directed at you.

Not at all.

Not understanding a writing/directing style is a completely innocent thing and there are many fans who would be happy to explain it.

The hate is directly towards the arrogant, annoying, internet trolls and haikyuu fandom who has been getting annoying lately? Especially about this show.

[btsandvmin]

Ask: Reply - 2021.03.18

I don’t know what might be the best way to go about asks, but for now I’ll try to answer asks as they come and when I can/want to I’ll collect them together in a post instead of answering indivudually. I’ve seen other Vminie blogs with similar formats and have done a few collection posts like this before, and it really seems to be the easiest way to digest your questions.

Let’s go through what you’ve sent me today as I finally opened up this blog for asks again. :)

Topics:

Ask 1 - Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control Ask 3 - What makes a ship big? Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship (+ edit on other post) Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight? Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis Ask 7-9 - Thank yous and nice things

Thank you all for waiting. <3 Read more under the cut.

Ask 1 -  Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments

I agree with you. I might not look at other ships as focused as I do with Vmin, but I would guess no other ship comes close to how much Vmin have shown their emotional intimacy in many ways over the years. Not to mention how many times even BTS themselves point out Vmin’s bond as special. Not to mention to begin with we shouldn’t be insecure about their bond based on their interactions with others. We should judge Vmin based on how they interact with each other.

All members have skinship (though some more than others), but both Jimin and Tae are super comfortable with touching, sometimes even with strangers. Looking at moments you can ship all ships, and there are even those that believe their ship to be real for almost all ships in BTS at this point. Why? Well because if you focus on your ship and put emphasis on the moments between them as bigger or more important, you can find “proof” for anything. Because that’s just how close and shipworthy all of the dynamics in BTS are. They all love each other, and shippers can find their own preferred love amongst them. 

I think we also need to remember all the things Vmin has CONFIRMED that other shippers try to prove with their own ships. How is tae/kook hugging or ji/kook cuddling supposed to make me feel insecure about Vmin when they have that too AND call each other soulmates in a song that made one of their procucers cry and other things like Namjoon getting goosebumps thinking about their bond? Taehyung cried reading his letter to Jimin and Jimin said no other member would likely truly understand why he cried. Taehyung has called Jimin the warmest person he knows and his one and only best friend. AND AGAIN, SOULMATE. The years of material we have show us again and again how important they are to each other and how they grow and work hard together to make their bond even stronger.

Vminies, please appriciate what we have because we are spoiled.

Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control

Honestly this is a difficult one. The thing is that we know that likely to some degree Big Hit will always be involved with what the boys do and release. But I also think their freedom to express themselves is better than most idol companies, and BTS whole brand is to be as genuine as possible. As for what Tae would be asked to tone down is hard to say exactly, but we do know that Yoongi and Namjoon (and other members) have been pretty dark and honest in their lyrics. I know from a Vmin perspective it could be something either LGBT+ or even directly Vmin related, but there isn’t enough to go on for me to make a good guess. We literally just know that he was told to tone it down. It doesn’t even have to be about the subjects or lyrics, even though that does seem the most likely. But we do know that Taehyung wants to release something that reflect him and that he can be proud of, so I am sure no matter what we get they will be his honest feelings. I am very excited and a bit scared thinking about Tae’s mixtape if I am being honest.

That being said, I think there could be lines that they should be careful not to cross. I think it’s possible with Taehyung’s personality who “doesn’t beat around the bush” that he might want to express more than what might be appropriate. Not just from Big Hit’s perspective but for his own sake. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying Tae is an idiot who doesn’t know what’s good for him. I just think at times he might be rebellious against his own better judement because it is something so important to him. For me talking about the Christmas song is partly such a moment, but I still think he was careful and ambiguous enough about it, even though he allowed himself to complain. Still, I am sure if it is about sexuality or even a relationship he knows the risks of being too open about it and would likely understand the need to be careful, or tone things down, if that was the case. A mixtape/album is not something done rashly or in the moment, so no matter what we get I am sure it will have been checked and considered by Tae and by Big Hit.

So basically I suppose the delay could be about creative control but mostly I really think it’s about Taehyung wanting to do well and writing when he feels like it without pressure. Which I feel is a very healthy approach by him honestly. We know mixtapes takes time and we know how Hobi felt about his first one, so I really think we should just give him time and I am sure we will get something amazing.

Ask 3 - What makes a ship big?

Aaaaaaw~! Thank you so much for your love and compliments. I feel like am very lacking in many areas still, but regardless I am glad my posts are appriciated. If I can bring a smile to anyones’ face that is an acomplishment to be proud of. Thank you. <3

As for what makes a ship big or not is of course quite subjective. For me at this point I would say ALL BTS ships are big ships. Not comparing them to each other but just by the huge amount of fans they all have. (I hope you don’t have to learn the pain or liking a rare-pair from a small fandom T-T). Almost all the ships in BTS even have analysis and people who believe in them, and I think that is partly an effect of size as well. That being said I think the bigger a ship is the easier it is for it to grow more. Which is why it is no surprise a lot of BTS ships that were popular right at the start are still the biggest ones now. But with more material and more fans there comes communities focused on their own ship, and they all grow as they get more moments. Vmin too have had a few times when they blow up for a while and gather new curious shippers. Friends is clearly a great example of this. Even Sweet Night seem to be something of a turning point for some to start shipping Vmin. All ships will grown in size with each passing year as we are always given new material. Even if a ship doesn’t get a lot, it will likely get enough to keep fans engaged.

For me I would say the loudest and the most agressive are often the biggest  (more bad apples the bigger the basket you know) and I think we can see some size indications by what ships trend more often etc. Ships can also be big in different ways and in different forums... Like how ji/kookers have taken tumblr as their platform while tae/kookers seem to be on youtube comments a lot.

All in all I don’t think size matters much though. Especially not with BTS where all ships get a lot of material and has their own fans who create for, share and dicuss about their pair. Popularity to me is not really something I think too much about, and honestly I think the way only the most popular pairs seem to get attention in the form of “worry” etc. is very telling. If JK and Hobi share a bed and cuddle and celebrate JK’s BD together, or Hobi post them having a picknick outside their house at night no one bats an eye... But if it was JK with one of Vmin? Confirmed to be dating and all other shippers get worried. 

Going into detail why ships gets big is a different conversation though. :P I hope I understood your ask correctly. Basically I consider all BTS ships as more or less big (perhaps with the exception of 2seok).

Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship

So I got two Tae/kook asks today, seemingly because Tae/kook has had a lot of moments recently. I deleted the first one, but this one I feel is safe enough to share. I’ve talked about tae/kook before... (HERE for example) and I stand by that now too. I don’t have to dismiss other ships to feel confident about Vmin’s love for each other.

Tae/kook has always had a very physical and playful dynamic. Even when Tae changed and toned down this side of him we got moments where he played with JK or they hugged or cuddled close. I do see a little change now after ITS but mostly in that Tae seems to initiate more, not that it looks different in nature. I think when Tae changed his dynamic with JK lost a lot of it’s “main focus” as Tae wasn’t as playful. Look at JK with Jin as a comparison and I think JK in general is drawn to hang with people who are happy and fun to tease. 

Anyways, about their bond I do think tae/kook are close but as grown men they don’t have the same relationship that they used to when they were younger. They simply grew up and their dynamics changed. They haven’t had a lot of more serious conversations, but I think now that distance have become a little shorter after ITS. I think Tae/kook has a great bond that is underrated by many in the fandom but overrated greatly by their shippers. They clearly love each other and have fun with each other and can be very comfortable physically. 

But are they as close as Vmin? Personally I really doubt it. And even if Tae/kook would be real why should that have any impact on Vmin? Surely you wouldn’t think they are together but cheating or something drastic like that. I am also not sure why you would be particularly worried about tae/kook based on physical interactions alone though... I mean, both Hope/kook, Tae/jin, Ji/kook and Vmin also have a loooot of very intimate looking moments if you ask me.

You don’t have to worry about Vmin. If Tae has gushed about Jimin being special to him from 2013 to 2020 I don’t see why 2021 would be any different.

I also got a reply to this post where I mentioned the tae/kook ask I deleted. I must first say that it was my mistake to write JK’s lips and not his lip mole. I have edited the post to make clear he talked about the mole and not the lips.

Either way, thank you anon for giving perspective and adding your thoughts to the moments. Not to mention moments like this happen for all members and I don’t think we can draw any strong conclusions from them saying another members is sexy or something similar. But yeah, people pick and choose what they will remember, and often focusing on the negative will leave a bigger impact than the positive.

Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight?

Hi and don’t worry. I honestly think a lot of Vminies don’t know about this because the first time was such a small moment not many would pay attention and remember it. We knew about it since 2016 where Tae offhandedly mentioned him and Jimin fighting about dumplings once.

I don’t even have the actual source for the first time Tae mentioned it, but it was all the way back in July 2016 in an interview with @star1 magazine, so we know it happened before that.

Then Tae got asked about it on a post it during a BST era fansign as well. Also, did you know the reason they fought was 💜?

Yeah.... Let’s just say I am not surprised at all to hear their dumpling fight having more meaning than first let on. As with most things brought up in the lyrics of Friends it’s something we already knew about since before. I also talked about this in my post Vmin analysis - “Friends”. (Though at that point we hadn’t heard them speak much about it and didn’t know how big of a deal it seemed to be.) It makes me wonder if the other things they talk about in the lyrics might also have more meaning than we know. 

Personally I think the reason we even got them talking about the dumpling incident so much is thanks to JK in the carpool karaoke. When asked what Vmin would fight about he was the one who mentioned dumplings and likely brought more attention to it than if it would simply have remained as one of the many lyrical anecdotes in the song. I am glad we got to know more, because honestly the dumpling incident seems to have been a pivotal moment in Vmin’s relationship.

Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis

Hi and thank you so much for the lovely compliments. Trying to consider all kinds of possibilities I feel should be obvious if you truly want to analyse something, but sadly I think when it comes to observing real people and being invested emotionally that becomes really difficult. Me too have to hold myself back a lot, because in the end there is always going to be room for error. And if I am wrong, who will be hurt? Likely all of you who listen to me and take my words into consideration. So I rather be upfront about the risk of being wrong than to speak too confidently and accidentally ending up misleading someone. I am really so happy and proud over Vminies who can stand back and not become delusional despite everything we actually have (this includes myself, because it’s not always easy to not get caught up in theories).

As for who I am it’s of course ok to ask. I am from Sweden and is 30 years old. (English isn’t my native language so I hope you forgive my mistakes, I know I have a lot of them in my posts). I’ve been a BTS fan since 2016 and Vmin fan almost since the start. I have been a fan of other groups long before BTS too and was pretty deep into the Japanese idol culture before fell for K-pop. For some additional info I also work with marketing and project managing and have a degree in conflict resolution. Thanks for being curious about me. :)

About my big analysis I am working on it still, and of course I hope to post it as soon as I can. I am a bit hesistant in bringing attention to some things though, as I have seen some of my previous theories and speculations be regarded as fact. I don’t want Vminies to run with my interpretations in a way that make them confident in Vmin being real. So yeah, I do want to post it, but I am also a bit worried what reactions it might get. I try very hard to remind you all that my theories are only speculations and we won’t know anything for sure (unless it would be confirmed). It still isn’t finished yet though, but I’ll keep working hard.

Ask 7 -  Thank you for the fic rec

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. I haven’t had too much time to catch up on reading and just added a lot from my bookmarks, but good thing it was so appriciated by you all. Vmin writers truly are amazing aren’t they? :) 

(And don’t worry about me getting bad asks. I think I would have quit a long time ago if I let them bother me too much.)

Ask 8 - Just a very sweet anon

Thank you! I’m ok. Not great, but ok. Life goes on, you know? But I feel like I finally have the energy to blog again, and honestly that feels pretty great. It feels like I’ve been gone forever, but I hope you will still enjoy my musings and thoughts as you send me questions and I write new posts. :3

Ask 9 - The whole world is different from yesterday~ Just with your joy~

Omg what a sweet thing to say, thank you so much, you are putting a big smile on my face right now. I am glad you enjoy and understand my thoughts so much. I know many of you have missed my thoughts and even asked me when I would open my asks again, and so much always happen with Vmin too... (There is literally enough material to write books about them.) Thank you for waiting and being so understanding. I am happy to be back too. <3

Thank you everyone for you asks and I hope you liked this new format. :) I’ll try to keep it up and if you have any thoughts and opinions feel free to share them.

[annetteblog]

Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?  

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone. 

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??” 

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance. 

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly. 

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

                                       /as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet. 

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed. 

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.   

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

                                                    Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience. 

P.S.  And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian.  i like it better and what will u do haha

[bluejayblueskies]

philautia

n. a love based on deep connection to one’s well-being and built upon a love for one’s self; a centered wholeness

Words: 2.3k

Fandom: The Magnus Archives

Relationship: Sasha James & Tim Stoker & Martin Blackwood & Jonathan Sims, Past Tim Stoker/Sasha James, Minor Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood

Characters: Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood, Jonathan Sims, Sasha James

Additional Tags: AU - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff and Humor, Statement Fic (but not in the way you expect!), Aromantic and Asexual Characters, Implied/Referenced Homophobia (very minor), Implied/Referenced Arophobia (also very minor)

Summary:

SASHA

So, according to Tim, I’m supposed to be recording a statement on, quote, my “most swashbucklingest experience as an esteemed member of the LGBT community.” He left this recorder on my desk and stole my scone. Timothy Stoker, I will not forget that.

---

Statements of members of the archival staff at the Magnus Institute, London, regarding certain facets of their aspec identities. Statements compiled by Timothy Stoker on 10th June, 2016. For personal use only.

Ao3 link in reblogs

Or read below:

[CLICK]

 MARTIN

 —really don’t think this is necessary—

 TIM

 Aaaaand we’re recording!

 MARTIN

 (exasperated) Tim.

 TIM

 Oh, come on Martin, it’s more fun this way!

 [MARTIN MAKES A NOISE OF DISAGREEMENT]

 TIM

 You cannot look me in the eye and tell me that this doesn’t appeal to your, and I quote, “retro aesthetic.”

 MARTIN

 (reluctantly) It… might.

 TIM

 See! So it’s perfect!

 …

 [HE SIGHS]

 Obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to, Martin. I just thought it might be nice—to have something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other, you know? Here, I can go first.

 MARTIN

 Tim, you don’t have to—

 TIM

 (overlapping, adopting the ‘Archivist’ voice) Statement of Timothy Stoker, regarding the first time he went to Pride with his brother, Danny. June 10th, 2016.

 (cheekily) Statement begins.

 TIM (STATEMENT)

 (in his normal voice) I realized I was into blokes too when I was 15, you know. Think it took me a while because of the whole ace thing, though that took me until I was in uni to really figure out. I was still fine with sex, you know, always enjoyed it when it came up, just… never really wanted it with anyone in particular. So I suppose I’d assumed for a while that the things I was feeling toward other guys weren’t romantic because I never had the sexual parts to go along with them. (with wry humor) Almost ruined a few relationships that way, actually.

 But I’m getting a bit off-topic. Can’t be one of those rambling statement givers Jon hates. God, I can see his face now, that thing he does with his nose—Martin, you know the one, the- the way it looks like he’s just smelled something really, really rank.

 MARTIN

 I thought you said you weren’t going to ramble.

 TIM

 Cheeky, cheeky. Okay, where was I. Right.

 TIM (STATEMENT)

 Mom and Dad weren’t real big on the whole bi thing, so the first time I got the chance to go to Pride was in uni. The first time I got the chance to go with Danny was after he turned 18 and got his first modeling gig. At least, I think he was already modeling back then. Point is, we were both out of the house, and Danny had been dying to go to Pride with me ever since I sent him pictures of me and Sasha eating an entire box of rainbow-colored donuts that first year. I’d figured out I was ace by then, but it had been pretty recent, so when we got there, I found one of the vendors selling those big flags you drape over your shoulders and got an ace one. Felt a bit weird having the ace flag instead of the bi one like the other years, but I had worn that pink, blue, and purple button-down Sasha got me for Christmas once, so overall, it felt all right.

 And Danny—god, he loved it. Pretty sure he ate his weight in fried food that day.

 [HE LAUGHS]

 Almost got the aro flag he’d borrowed from Sasha dirty, actually, when he—

 (quickly changes course) Ah, nothing! Sasha, if you’re listening to this, absolutely nothing happened to your flag, and I definitely did not have it laundered before I returned it to you.

 TIM

 Aaaaand that’s it! Statement ends, I guess.

 See—easy! (a bit more seriously) But really—you don’t have to record one if you don’t want to, Martin.

 MARTIN

 …

 No, I- I want to.

 TIM

 Are you sure? I don’t want you to do that thing where you just do something because you think someone else wants you to.

 MARTIN

 I do not—!

 …

 Okay, okay, fine. Point taken. But yeah, I- I’m sure.

 [RUSTLING AS THE TAPE RECORDER IS PASSED FROM TIM TO MARTIN]

 MARTIN

 (with an audible smile) Statement of, er, Martin Blackwood. Regarding… a crush. No, no, wait—god, that sounds so juvenile. Regarding himself, and a person who- er, someone whom he—

 [HE SIGHS]

 Fine. Regarding a crush. Statement given June 10th, 2016.

 Statement begins.

 MARTIN (STATEMENT)

 I’m always a little embarrassed to tell people that I’ve never dated anyone before? Okay, a- a lot embarrassed, actually. I try not to bring it up, but people will say things like, oh, you know how it is to shop for a partner or meeting her parents is definitely nerve-wracking—which is wrong on, er, two accounts, actually—and then I feel more awkward not telling them that I don’t know, actually, because I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a week or so. Then, they’ll get all sympathetic, like it’s some- some tragedy that I’m not involved with someone, and that’s worse, because then they’ll offer to set me up with people, or say that they don’t understand why I’m single because I’m a catch or whatever, and I have to give them some excuse about not interested at the moment.

 It’s not that, not really. Dates with strangers, they- they just never work out for me.

 I think I fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum? I didn’t think about it much until Sasha mentioned it once over drinks—I think you were there, Tim, although you were (laughs) very drunk by that point. I told her I hadn’t had a crush on anyone since sixth form, and she threw around a bunch of terms. I- I honestly don’t really remember, it was kind of overwhelming and (laughs) I was also pretty drunk as well. But yeah, it… it sounds about right.

 (hesitantly, as if bracing himself for impact) So… this person. Who I, er. Recently, that is, who I…

 [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

 It’s really strange, that’s all. And a- a lot. I—heh—I don’t really know what to do about it.

 MARTIN

…

 Uh, statement ends? I guess? I, uh, don’t really have anything else to say. (jokingly) It’s not like there’s any, er, follow-up or whatever. (to Tim) Was- was that okay?

 TIM

 (audibly smiling) Yup! Most excellent, Marto. (more seriously) You felt okay, right?

 MARTIN

 (huh) Yeah. Yeah, I- I did. A bit nice, actually. (quickly) As- as long as this stays in the archives, though. It… it is staying in the archives, right?

 TIM

 Oh, definitely. Right next to the section on love potions, I think.

 MARTIN

 Tim!

 TIM

 (laughs) Yes, Martin, it’s staying in the archives. Pinkie promise. Just you, me, Sasha, and Jon. (in the tone of a man who knows a great secret and wants nothing more than to share it) Speaking of Jon—

 MARTIN

 (quickly) Uh, recording ends!

 TIM

 (undeterred) —is he the—?

 [CLICK]

.

 [CLICK]

 SASHA

 Right. So, according to Tim, I’m supposed to be recording a statement on, quote, my “most swashbucklingest experience as an esteemed member of the LGBT community.” He left this recorder on my desk and stole my scone. Timothy Stoker, I will not forget that. It was white chocolate raspberry, and I’m stealing the money it cost out of your wallet.

 …

 Anyway.

[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT]

 Statement of Sasha James, given 10th June 2016. Subject of statement is… hmm. Let’s say… (laughs) A brief relationship with one Timothy Stoker.

 Statement begins.

 SASHA (STATEMENT)

 Tim, I know you’re listening to this, and I just want to preface this by saying that yes, it was Italian that we had for dinner that night, not Greek. You’re thinking of a different friendship-turned-hookup-turned-awkward-aftermath-turned-friendship.

 [SHE LAUGHS QUIETLY]

 Anyway, I guess the best place to begin with this whole thing is by saying that I’ve known I was aro since I was 16 and that I’ve never been very good at talking about it. I’ve ended plenty of tried and failed relationships with the it’s-not-you-it’s-me talk because I didn’t know how to explain that I just… wasn’t interested in romance.

 I wanted to explain it to you beforehand, Tim, I really, really did. We’ve had this conversation, I know I know—I won’t rehash it over tape.

 [SHE SIGHS]

 But the important thing is that I like you so, so much, and—god, this is stupid—I guess maybe I thought that it wouldn’t matter with you? That you could like me romantically and I could like you platonically and it would be fine. Like I said, stupid, but you asked me out to that Italian place—yes, Italian, for god’s sake, I had the chicken parm and you had some sort of lasagna abomination—and I just… couldn’t say no. And it was nice, really. I had a lot of fun.

 And then we slept together. And… that was really nice. But then, the next morning, the… the guilt set in. Because I felt the same as I always had about you—which is to say that I loved you, just not in the same way you loved me—and I became convinced that I’d gone and ruined the whole thing.

 Ignoring you for a week was probably not the correct response. (quieter) Yeah, definitely not my finest moment. But I’d gotten it in my head that the moment I told you that I didn’t feel that way about you and that I would never feel that way about you—or about anyone—you’d hate me. And you don’t have to say that you’d never hate me—I know you wouldn’t. I think I knew it then, too. But fear is a powerful thing.

 …

 Anyway, you know how it all turned out. You finally dragged me out to coffee and I finally told you why I’d been avoiding you and it was really, really awkward for about a month after that and then it just… wasn’t anymore. (audibly smiling) And you’re still my best friend, Tim. Even if you did steal my scone.

 [THE SOUND OF PAPERS RUSTLING AND A CHAIR ROLLING BACKWARD]

 Recording ends.

 [CLICK]

 .

 [CLICK]

 ARCHIVIST

 Statement of Kyle Henning, regarding a strange mushroom he found growing in his garden. Original statement given April 15th, 2011. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

 Statement begi—

 [DOOR OPENS]

 TIM

 Hey boss! Got a moment?

 ARCHIVIST

 (irritated) Tim, please at least knock when the door to my office is closed. I was just about to record a statement.

 TIM

 (unbothered) So if you were about to, that means you’re not recording one right now, which means you do have a moment.

 ARCHIVIST

 (flatly) Shut the door on your way out, Tim.

 TIM

 (brightly) Right you are, boss! Juuuust going to leave this here on your desk. Bring it back whenever you’re done!

 [PAPERS RUSTLE AS SOMETHING IS PLACED ON THE DESK]

 ARCHIVIST

 (dryly) I’m fairly certain that I’m the one who assigns you tasks to complete, Tim.

 TIM

 That you do! I guess I better get back to them then. Have fun!

 ARCHIVIST

 (firmly) Tim—

 [DOOR CLOSES]

 [HE SIGHS]

 ARCHIVIST

 Right. Well, given that this recording is essentially useless now and I hadn’t even gotten to the statement, I may as well start over. (mutters under his breath) Bloody waste of tape and my time—

 [CLICK]

 .

 [CLICK]

 [PAPERS RUSTLE. FOR A MOMENT, THERE IS ONLY THE SOUND OF BREATHING. THEN, JON SIGHS.]

 ARCHIVIST

 Before I begin, I would like to make it very clear that this is not an appropriate use of working hours or the tape recorders, which should be used for statements that won’t record digitally as per Elias’s request.

 …

 That being said, I am… not entirely opposed to this project. So, I suppose…

 [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

 Statement of Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London, regarding… regarding a black ring worn on the middle finger of his right hand. Statement recorded by subject, June 10th, 2016.

 Statement begins.

 ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

 I’ve often been told that I am not a very open person. I don’t necessarily intend to be closed-off, but I’ve also never found the need to disclose every aspect of my personal life to everyone I come into contact with. And yes, Tim—because I trust that you and you alone will be listening to this tape—that is a perfectly respectable way to live one’s life. Not everyone needs to know what I ate for breakfast that morning or who my favorite primary school teacher was.

 …

 I… will admit, though, that in certain circumstances, I… could probably stand to be more transparent regarding aspects of my personal life. Perhaps that’s why Georgie bought me the ring.

 It wasn’t a special occasion. She just brought it back from the shop one day, a few weeks after a… particularly illuminating conversation about certain sexual identities, and dropped it atop my copy of Wuthering Heights. Honestly, I had no idea what it was at first. I- (heh) I tried to make a joke about unorthodox proposals, but I- I don’t really think it landed. Georgie just looked at me and said that she’d seen it on one of the online forums, that it was called an ace ring, and that she thought I might like it. I think I was more surprised about the fact that the ring fit perfectly than at the fact that she’d bought me the ring in the first place.

 So I wore it. And it felt… nice. Understand, I don’t keep quiet about my romantic and sexual identities out of shame or embarrassment or indecision; I simply don’t feel the need to announce them at any given moment. So I’ve always been fond of small things—pins and stickers and such—that I can incorporate into my life, insignificant enough that they aren’t readily apparent to anyone but me, as they’re for me more than for anyone else. My ring is one such thing.

 [THERE IS A MOMENT OF SILENCE. MORE WORDS SIT IN THE AIR, WAITING. EVENTUALLY, HOWEVER, HE SIGHS, AND THE WORDS REMAIN UNSAID.]

 ARCHIVIST

 Statement ends.

 …

 Right.

 (with something that might be a smile) As for your other request, I do have a prior engagement with Georgie and Melanie this weekend. Though if you’re willing to accommodate two more, I’m sure they wouldn’t be opposed to coming along. Georgie’s always telling me that Pride is more fun when you’re with a group, after all.

 End recording.

 [CLICK]

[gayregis]

Honestly if you just wanted to revisit your thoughts on Eternal Flame and its homiesexual text/subtext, I would be delighted. I love that short story and I love hearing your thoughts on the stories aodnsjsjabsjx

fghjkl i just think it was a story very centered on geralt and dandelion’s friendship and it did so in a manner which exceeded the sort of generally accepted norms of “friendship” and went into “being gay for your best friend”

i mean the story literally begins by them both being dumped by their girlfriends, but not too upset about their relationship drama because they have each other for company now. they plan to spend the day and night together, and throughout the story they have the general geralt and dandelion friendship interactions - trying to get some food and drink, joking around, dandelion being overly dramatic or preoccupied with sex and geralt being mopey and unamused. when things go wrong and there is conflict in the story, they of course still are spending the day together and thinking of a way to deal with the problem. overall, the story is a look into day-to-day life of when geralt and dandelion run into each other and hang out.

another thing of note is how dandelion hypes geralt up during when they meet tellico-in-biberveldt’s-form, calling him the terror of strigas and werewolves and all, which is a nice and awarding description for a man whose job it was to kill some shit in a sewer last chapter. of course, it’s dandelion (overdramatic and flowery with language), and they’re close friends, so of course he is going to describe geralt as thus, but it’s a reminder of how positively dandelion views geralt and how he both doesn’t see him as repugnant for being a witcher (as is the case with many geralt encounters) and isn’t ashamed to have a witcher as his best friend (as would be the case with many others, who treat witchers like bad omens), and also since it’s dandelion, it’s telling that he doesn’t let his own arrogance get in the way of lauding his friend with his proud titles and descriptions. although dandelion is self-loving, he is not so overwhelmingly so that he would ever refuse to acknowledge or downplay geralt’s presence.

another thing is how, when geralt, dandelion, and biberveldt are visited by chapelle and the men of the eternal fire, dandelion begs geralt to not start a fight with them because it will end in disaster, and geralt refuses to promise him that, and when chapelle speaks to him, he is internally very aggressive and alert, very displeased. of course, he is geralt, he doesn’t love authority and he dislikes the eternal flame for their persecution of nonhumans... but the aggression he feels towards chapelle reminds me of the aggression he felt towards toruviel in edge of the world when she broke dandelion’s lute, or in season of storms when dandelion has a knife to his throat, it’s only when dandelion is afraid or hurt that geralt really gets aggressive.

but the climax of the story is geralt literally being inable to enact violence towards tellico for the compounded reasons of “i value innocent life too much” and “the embodiment of this value of life is my best friend” ... 

the fact that geralt is pretty aggressive still towards tellico when he turns into him, but once tellico turns into dandelion geralt just... stops fighting and completely rules out any physical harm from the equation. he practically “gives up” the fight, it’s like tellico changing into dandelion was all geralt needed in order to be persuaded, because it’s the only form that he would listen to. after tellico switches forms to that of dandelion, geralt listens to him, and he also is not described as making any sudden movements, he doesn’t think as if he’s in a fight anymore, the narration is not that of a “fight scene” - something i recognize from when geralt is in a fight is that the prose switches to a certain point of view of his where his actions and options are narrated (e.g., in a grain of truth when he fights vereena, the sword of destiny where he fights the dryad scalpers). he instead hears tellico’s every word out, and “reluctantly nods,” and “says nothing.” he’s practically frozen compared to what he was prepared for just a moment ago when tellico took his form, when he threatened to carry him out of the city in a handcart.

and what makes it even more suggestive is that this wasn’t a random guess from tellico that “maybe if i take dandelion’s form he’ll lay off because they’re friends!” ... no, this was strategy that he came up with from literally taking geralt’s form and reading his mind - “i took over your thoughts, only briefly, but it was sufficient, do you know what i’m going to do now?” - tellico, after being in geralt’s form, immediately makes the decision to change forms into that of dandelion, because he knew geralt’s mind while he was in his form. that means that tellico read geralt’s thoughts only briefly but from this inside view of geralt’s mind, knowing what his greatest fears, loves, dreams, hopes, passions, regrets, etc. are... he thought it would save his life to change into dandelion, because he knew from geralt’s mind that geralt would listen to him in that form.

additionally, after this occurs, geralt... doesn’t tell dandelion in the falling action of the story. he had the chance to, when dandelion drew near, he might have smirked and said something like “don’t look too closely at his boots” (tellico-in-dandelion’s-form’s cordovan boots were sticking out of the carpet that geralt rolled him up in, so dandelion could have recognized them if he paid attention, since he seems to be so caring about his footwear as in the beginning chapter)... this raises the question why geralt wouldn’t tell him about what happened, why he wouldn’t communicate to dandelion about this, maybe warning him that tellico could change into him in an effort to evoke sympathy, or to break it to dandelion that his famous persona had been stolen for a little while. dandelion literally jokes and asks geralt why vespula was so surprised to see him, asking what was wrong with her (vespula was frightened because she smacked tellico-in-dandelion’s-form with the copper pan, but then saw dandelion coming down the road... double vision). geralt could have easily explained to him then, he had the perfect opportunity to say, “oh, dudu changed into your form and so vespula was scared for she saw two of you, [insert biting sarcastic comment here about how one dandelion is certainly enough, and how he would be scared seeing two of dandelion as well].” ... but geralt doesn’t tell him, and that makes me think that tellico taking dandelion’s form was a moment of emotional vulnerability for him, something that geralt doesn’t want to share or joke about, something that was uncomfortable for him. that makes me ask the question how geralt emotionally took that confrontation in the alleyway, what he felt about his own actions (or rather, inaction), and why he might be reluctant to share about that.

i think there is also this tension of the myth of the doppler being about the physical world, changes to a physical form, a form which is tangible and real. it’s not only that tellico evoked the image of dandelion, but that he was him - and the narration from geralt’s point of view seems to... lurk on a lot of not only physical characteristics that he noticed, but mannerisms and behavior that he knew instinctively as being those of dandelion. he describes his curly hair, his smile, his laugh ... the focus on physicality, body, face, and how one exists in the physical world, intimate details like those described just seem very out of place for someone who you’d only consider a best friend, a platonic relationship. one could argue that this is just standard narration for describing the changing of a form for a doppler, but the same style of narration was not given when dudu changed into biberveldt, or when he changed into geralt. additionally, things like smile, laugh, song, and style of flirting are very close and positive details, and other more “neutral” aspects like height and weight and clothes could have been described instead. this suggests that the most striking elements about dandelion to geralt are his curly hair, his insolent smile, his rippling laugh, his blue eyes, his song, and his flirting ... which are ... intimate to say the least

and of course the story ends with them going to a brothel! which continues these themes (two themes which dandelion always invites) of the comedic and the physical. what’s also striking to me is that at the very end of the story, dandelion asks geralt if he’s coming along or what, and geralt smiles to him and says he will join him with pleasure. geralt smiling is honestly a rare event (though it does happen, in dandelion’s character debut in the voice of reason he smiles at him), so i think it’s something to pay attention to. additionally, the line translated in the UK edition is “right, very satisfactory. geralt, are you coming?” and “i’ll come with pleasure,” which focuses on the words ‘satisfactory’ and ‘pleasure’ which are also words i wouldn’t relegate to being solely platonic.

additionally, this might be a bad take but i’m going to say it anyways because i’m gay so i can say what i want regarding lgbt themes ig: the ending of the story is that chapelle is actually a doppler who has taken chapelle’s form, since the real chapelle has died. tellico beseeches geralt, in dandelion’s form, to let him live and live amongst the people of novigrad, because he’s tired of being dehumanized and persecuted, and just wants to live in peace. there is a theme surrounding the dopplers as they are shapeshifters and chameleons, having to change who they are in order to blend in with the rest of society. again, this might be a bad take, but this kind of strikes me as an analogy for being lgbt, because when you are lgbt in a homo/transphobic society, you have to hide who you are and adapt your outward appearance into something that others will accept, and you are persecuted even though you are harmless and don’t mean to cause anyone trouble. of course, this could be a wider analogy about persecution and being marginalized in general (cultural assimilation, anyone?) and compring any marginalized people to nonhumans sucks (wouldn’t be the first or only time sapkowski went there, though), but ig as a gay person i found myself relating to the plight of the dopplers. the ending message of the story is also positive, something like there is hope and life in the world despite hatred (re: tellico’s ending to dandelion’s ballad) and the dopplers, the persecuted ones, are actually everywhere in society despite appearances that they’re not (not the best execution because you know figures of authority suck but whatever)

TLDR eternal flame is a little fruity to me because

geralt and dandelion want to be in each other’s company (as always)

geralt and dandelion’s relationship is again characterized by ability to be casual and comfortable in each other’s presence, working together through difficulty and conflict, and standing up for one another/being proud on the other’s behalf

tellico strategically takes dandelion’s form to evoke kindness and respect in geralt, and it works completely

geralt’s pov focuses on dandelion’s intimate physical and behavioral traits

geralt smiles and tells dandelion “i’ll come with pleasure”

vague lgbt themes about the dopplers

[inkbunny-artist]

Ok, so-

I'm doing the "Lubertober" (or bellitober on instagram), so all of the drawings have Luca and Alberto, obviously.

I basically drew them as kids so far, but I wanted to draw them older in the "Traveling" prompt, riding a vespa together, seeing the world, ya know…

But as I went to show the drawing to my mom, she thought the one hugging Alberto's waist from behind smiling was a girl, when it was actually Luca. She said that they looked like boyfriends and asked if it was my intention. I went and told her that they hugged like this in the movie, even showing some screenshots as proof.

Now, I do ship luberto (It’s totally ok if you don’t ship them! I respect your opinion!), but I know how my mom feels when we show her any gay stuff. I’ve gotten pretty good at explaining fanfic plots in a way that she wouldn’t know who the characters were or even the fandom. Sometimes i can explain the plot and even say the characters, but obviously hiding the times they say they liked each other (like the fic “piccoletto” on wattpad). Honestly she only found out i read gay fanfics bc my little brother told her i was reading greenflame (lloyd x kai, oof that was a while ago-)

But, do you know how hard it is to just show her some things and lie to her face that “its not gay”?? Like, even showing her those screenshots she wasn’t convinced, and the fact that i’ve seen so many post and stuff talking about them and the details and analyses that it could be queer coded--

*sigh* Gosh… I always have to take careful steps with what i tell my mom, and i think tumblr is the only place i can, idk vent(?) about this stuff.

She said she’s ok with gay people but, as she said, “I’m ok with them being like that, but it’s not like i’ll congradulate them for it. Like having down syndrome, I’m not gonna be rude to them, but I don't want other people to be like that too.” (not her exact words but it was close to that). She’s ok with her friends being gay, she liked an actor that was gay and married to a man, she knows that a lot of kids are addopted by them, and she’s happy they love someone, but she gets unconfortable seeing it “everywhere”, like in series and movies as of lately (supernatural is one example, where she loved this series but didn’t like the ending that much, destiel being one of those reasons)

She always says that she wont be rude to any gay person, saying she doesn’t care ‘who they go to bed with’, but she says that it’s not normal, not how things should be. Being on tumblr I've gotten so used to being around LGBT friendly people that I am honestly on thin ice whenever my mom brings up that topic…

I hate talking about politics, it gives me anxiety and makes me uncomfortable, and the fact that she keeps telling me that the LGBT community is ALL about politics and “on the wrong side” at that, always asking “are you supporting them?”, “have you seen what they do during pride month and the gay parade?” and I GET SCARED! I tried telling her that ‘one bad apple ruins the whole barrel’, like the undertale fandom being known as one of the most toxic fandoms just because some people were buttholes despite having nice people in it…

She even told me she would confiscate my phone so i couldn’t see any kind of gay content and not even interact with anyone lgbt. I just wanted to get this off my chest, really… I know tumblr understands it. I don't even know if anyone will see this, but I don't care. this will sit in my blog for no one to read or interact probably.

[izzacsdreamsofrunningaway]

Coming Out

I have always had a lot of confliction centering wanting to talk publicly about being queer. There’s a lot of personal reasons for that some of which I don’t feel like I want to share right now honestly but, growing up I always found solace and permission I needed to be who I am from other people who were willing to tell their story. And it didn’t have to be nicely done or wrapped up neatly. Sometimes the stories that stayed with me the most were messy and ranty and emotional and dark and uncut. I’ve had a lot of blogs over the years. Video blogs and written blogs, websites and tumblrs. You could probably still find some of them. While I’ve never particularity thought I was the smoothest blogger a few of you have liked them. If you remember any of those, ya know thanks for listening to my messy twelve, fourteen, fifteen, seventeen year old feelings. I’m twenty one now and next month is my birthday and around that time I always feel like- Like I’m trying to figure out how I want to start writing the next chapter of a book. And I think every year I say…fuck it to something new. So this year I’m saying fuck it to content creation and I’m gonna try and really throw myself out of my comfort zone and into where I want to be. I have a lot of ideas and often times I find myself too scared or too down on myself to actually execute them. I want that to change. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell people I’m trans since I was sixteen years old. Really since before then because honestly I didn’t even know how to tell myself till then. Like a lot of people in the LGBT+ community, it took a long time for me to have the language to put to all of the things that I was feeling. I got it wrong a lot but that’s not really the story I’m trying to tell right now. Maybe someday I’ll say fuck it to that too. Maybe it’ll just live in my books. I’ve found that I don’t think there’s an easier way than just saying it. I’m trans. It gets easier to say, I know some of you reading this might think that’s bullshit because while I really hoped so. Just last year I thought it was bullshit. That’s okay though. It’s the truth. I don’t think I’ve ever like- formally come out online. Which is so crazy to me because I thought about how I’d do that a lot as a kid growing up seeing so many coming out videos that I’d comfort myself with at night. I know for a fact there are a lot of people who follow or know me that don’t know despite some of the things I’ve posted. So I guess this is that post. I kinda thought it’d be easier to know what I wanted to say here but I kinda feel like I’m just word vomiting and trying my best to keep from boring you to death. Editing is gonna be a bitch later. I think a lot of people would say that I started my transition one year ago on March 17th when I took my first testosterone shot. But really, I started it in December when I was fifteen at a sleepover and after agonizing over it all day finally gave my friend a note that was far too long but basically said I was too afraid to say it out loud, I’m trans and I understood if she didn’t want me in her house because I was a boy. And while I think part of it was some attempt to ask her to treat me the same way she would any other guy friend, for the most part, I just expected rejection. When I sat on my bed a few days later on the phone with the friend I’d called that I had no idea why I’d called not saying a word. Until I finally told her that after all those observations they’d made about how they had never seen me happier than when we did a larp (that’s live action roleplay for you noobs) where the whole day I got to be a boy named Micheal, the questions about why I hated anything girly so vehemently and had no problems with the girls in my school groups saying I looked like a boy and teasing me for being so guyish, and after months of playing with gender expression in secret and making accounts no one knew about where I’d let everyone assume I was a boy. I was sure that I’m not a girl but I wasn’t entirely sure I was a normal boy either. I’ve come out to a lot of people sporadically over the years. Some dismissed it and forgot, I guess thinking it would pass (hah, bet ya’ll are pretty surprised). But thankfully a lot of the first few I told quickly became rocks in a storm for me. When I was a little kid I was obsessed with Hannah Montana and I truly believed that living two lives was the easiest way to be able to be yourself but still survive in the world. I got to do that, for six years, and it sucked. I had people who knew, and around most of them I could breathe for a breif moment when we were alone. But we had to keep everything quiet, I had secret wardrobe hidden behind my closet and at friends houses. Bought myself my first binders the moment I got my first paycheck at seventeen and had to wash them in the shower and wear a jacket before I left the house so no one could tell the huge difference it made. I volunteered at the local GSA (Major shoutout to Jasmyn JAX y’all are the literal best) so I could have a safe space to breathe without having to worry so much about if people found out. Stayed with the one friend who’s mum I told as a practice run for telling my own parents and who immediately took me in as another son. I had pockets where I could exist, but I didn’t feel like I really did. I think one thing baby me was not paying attention to with Hanna, was just how exhausting it is to live a double life. It took a lot out of me, but I was too afraid of what would happen if I stopped keeping the secret. The career I wanted was public, not everyone in my life was understanding or kind about trans people, and the world certainly was not. So I stayed quiet and I got more depressed and life got harder. It’s thanks to the support from some really amazing people in my life that in a new December in 2020, I finally started the process of bringing my two worlds together. Really? It felt like destroying them both. I could sugar coat things, and I could lie like a lot, and I thought about it because I really don’t want this to be something that discourages people from doing what I did. But…some of the messier stories helped me do this the most. People telling me it would all be okay isn’t what made me start to come out of my proverbial closet. It was people who told me that I was strong enough to get through it, and that I wouldn’t have to be strong alone. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of tears and yelling and growing pains. I felt like I couldn’t be myself and I’d taken a hundred steps back. So I went to therapy. And I talked to my friends SO MUCH like if you got eight brick walls of text from me in the middle of the fucking night and answered you are literally my favourite fucking person. My favourite thing my therapist told me was when I told her I was afraid to leave my house in a dress after just coming out and insisting that no one use she/her pronouns for me, that I was scared I’d be judged or not taken seriously. She said “That’s their problem. Why should you be worried about it?” and I have internalized that fully. It was difficult to tell my mother I was changing my name. It never felt like mine, but it was something she gave me. And after twenty years I knew it would be hard to give back. But this was a year of learning to do things for myself, because I need too. I spent the past six years transitioning slowly, like a dripping faucet in winter, and suddenly I was turning up the water. I started a book around the same time to deal with all those messy trans feelings and in the book one of the biggest transitions is really that one character teaches my main character how to be selfish. I could never finish it, and I realize it’s because they were teaching me too and I hadn’t finished learning yet. My name feels like the most important part of that journey because it changed so many times and the first iterations took me a long time to realize weren’t as much for me as to comfort people around me. I’d gone by one name for maybe five years before what you all know me as. Funny enough, Nico was a nickname that I clung to because it felt like me and I wished it was my name. Then I realized, that’s up to me. It took for fucking ever but my full name means, Victor of the people, creator of his own joy. And that makes me feel strong. It reminds me that I am. So if you’re trying to pick a name and thinking “Man I wish that could be me” just fucking go for it mate. It can. It probably already is and you just don’t even know it yet. We always know ourselves better than we think we do. All those things we wish we were, that we identify with and don't really know why. It’s because they’re in us. We are everything we want to be and everything we think we could never be but fuckin wish for every day. We already have it in us. We know that we just can’t always see it. Believe yourself. A few months into the process of changing my name, I called up Planned Parenthood to discuss hormone replacement therapy. And let me tell you they are so fucking important to the community. I’ve always believed that they need to be protected. I’ve never felt more comfortable and taken care of at a medical facility than there. I was so nervous about starting and literally felt like I was gonna have like a breakdown in the waiting room but they played music and the pictures on the walls smiled and I read a book (pretended to read a book) and tried not to like- cry. Which I had been doing earlier. I was like an hour late for my appointment it was a DISASTER getting there I had missed my bus I didn’t ask my friend to take me cause I figured I’d take an uber or lyft NEITHER APP wanted to give me a ride because during this pandemic we’ve had a huge driver shortage so I was in tears thinking I’d miss my appointment and a bunch of stuff was going on that day and I was at my end.  I finally got a fucking cab which cost me so much fucking money oh my gods and I was panicking lowkey in the back seat because I was having one of my “I’m an idiot I’m making a terrible mistake the doctor is gonna look at me and be like I know you aren’t trans AHHH” freak outs that you don’t know about but in my tiny circle of trustees I am fucking famous for. So if you’re having one of those let me tell you something I needed to hear often, you live in a society that your mere existence is going against like 80% of what you’ve been taught about how life works. It is OKAY if you’re scared and it is normal to have a little impostor syndrome or go back and forth. Take some time. Think it through. Trust yourself. And HRT is something that a lot of people but not all trans people want. It is a big medical commitment that is a little hard to find definitive info on and we all kinda teach eachother a lot about and you can’t be 1000% sure how will effect you so if you’re nervous even if you’re sure you really want it? Give yourself some grace. If you WEREN’T nervous it would be wild like okay balls of steel. It’s totally normal to be scared  of new things. While I’ve had a few doctors I’ll always remember my first who was snarky and fun and treated me like a friend. You rock Dr D. She wrote up my gender marker letter and gave me my prescription with no issues just informed consent. We talked about what changes I wanted to see, how I felt, how long I’d felt that way. Did some basic doc check up stuff. And started me on a really low dose once a week that we’ve since slowly uped in order to find my right dose. Now. I found my perfect dosing at exactly a year into HRT. So it takes time, my Doctor literally said some people it takes longer, so if it takes awhile for your levels to mellow out to a place you and the Doc like, that is also normal. I like to tell you things are normal cause I like to text my friend who’s been medically transitioning longer than I have in the middle of the night “Is this normal or am I dying???????” Maybe three months into HRT on the suggestion of my endo (the hormone doctor) I got a vocal coach. I love her, her name is Anne and she’s helped me a lot with my voice transition being so smooth that I literally barely noticed how much it changed till I did my comparison. My voice was probably the biggest point of dysphoria beside my name especially since much less people ever called me by my birth name in Highschool and partly why it was so hard to keep up with videos. I hated hearing it. Now, I have a lot more voice control so I’m actually like proud of it. My coach helps me with singing aswell which very much makes me happy since out of all that I create, music has kind of always been…it for me in a way I can’t really describe, so being more confident in my singing voice feels like it translates into everything I do. I’m just more confident in general. This is the school if you guys wanna check it out it is online so you can sign up from anywhere. https://www.yourlessonsnow.com/trans-voice-training/ I came out at my first job when I was nineteen, before any of this, and while I didn’t experience any real blatant homophobia, I still never felt like a guy. A big part of that was working at a salon no one thought it would be a good idea to be clear about that because they knew I’d lose clients since not all women were comfortable with a man working on them and no one could really understand where while I wanted money sure, I respected that more and both wanted my clients to make that decision themselves and wasn’t interested in compromising myself and who I am because it would make me more money. So I quit. (Fuck capitalism anyway) That’s not at all the only reason but it certainly helped. The next job was complicated, as it tends to be. I was starting hormones and legal name changes at that job, it was the first time I came out during the onboarding. And while I had some issues due more to ignorance about how to deal with certain things and a couple smaller things, I had few issues honestly. A lot of my coworkers were so super kind to the point of correcting guests for me (retail job) and no one walked on eggshells around the subject. The only thing is, when I found that in a workplace, it made me stay longer than I wanted because I didn’t think I ever would again. I tried to leave the job one time and even did a training interview at another store (paid don’t worry folks it was a fight but I got that check for every moment. Never work for free.) where I ended up quiting after the on-boarding because I was told to my face by the manager “You look like a chick so don’t expect me to be mad if people call you one.” Among a whole slew of other insanely inappropriate things to say to another human being. So I left. Ghosted a little, called and asked for a check. While I was livid, I was also scared. Was that all I could expect in the working world? Did I have the best I was gonna get working at a crappy retail job for minimum wage that I barely wanted to wake up for anymore? It was another couple months before I left. Worked the Holiday season at a higher paying retail job that was also pretty crappy and honestly probably violating a lot of OSHA guidelines frighteningly enough. Then got a job where I work now. And let me tell you. You don’t have to deal with “a few issues” there’s always better. Because this is much better. I was terrified to branch out, and I will not lie to you it took a long ass time to get this job my Indeed box looked like a warning sign just red X’s of rejection everyyyyywhere. Some of the companies that did wanna hire me when I looked into how they treated LGBT employees??? Hahahaha no. Please Google these mofos before you take a job. And now this post isn’t about where I work but I think it feels relevant so I will say a bit about that. I work as a Community Engagement Associate for an App called Quirkchat where I get to make content (kinda like this) talking about nerdy geeky shit and figure out fun and interesting ways to well engage the community. I really love my job because I’m not just told that I’m appreciated, I’m shown it. And me being trans? Is literally never an issue. Not even discussed outside of things like when I bring it up for a topic because the reason I really wanted to work for the company is the focus on including people like me. The geek community can be brutal for us Queer folk of colour. I wanna change that, and so does the rest of the team at Quirk. Having those pockets where I could be myself was all that got me through the past few years, and I want to make sure everyone has those. So now I’m here. Obviously that’s not everything, and it’s been a long time so while this is a long post think how six years of transitioning was? Whoof. I’ve been on HRT for over a year, I did my shot last night actually my bandaid has CHarazard on it so I’m very content. My family all know and if you think little siblings have a hard time? You’re so wrong cause my twelve year old sister is like my biggest supporter. If she could have a trans flag cheerleader uniform I really think she would. It’s been a really long journey, and it isn’t over. Cause it kinda never really is. You never really stop coming out, because you’re always meeting new people aren’t you? But I mean I never stop telling people I like cheese either. It’s just a fact about me. Like any other. I eventually want top surgery, I’ll probably be on HRT my whole life, and I think I’ve decided I wanna share my journey with the interwebs. Partly for me, because I’m big into documenting, I still go back and look through my old blogs from years ago. And partly because seeing things like this meant a lot to me as a kid, so even if there’s just like, one kid out there somewhere, reading this under the covers so no one knows and like…I dunno feeling something. Or one parent who needs to get it starting to understand and maybe feel a little more secure that their kid can be happy still. Then it all feels worth it. I realize in all this I never really explained what I meant by I don’t feel like a normal boy, and if I go too far into it gods this is gonna be too long. It is already long as fuck. But I’ll sum it up a little and maybe talk at length in another post. Hi, my name’s Nic. Or Stiles. Or Izzac. Or that weird red headed bitch I’ve answered to that one a couple times too. My pronouns are he/they and I’m trans masculine nonbinary. I know, a lot of words. I think there are a lot of words that could sum me up. But I’m okay with that. It feels like that’s how it should be. I’m queer, and I’m actually really fucking proud of that. And that’s normal too.

Signing off, Till next time. Stiles

[epinosicc]

This is going to be quite chaotic, but this is something I wrote late one stormy July night about my life this far and how I’ve realized my problems

Okay it’s around midnight where I’m at so it’s time to rant instead of sleeping because I’m a minor and I have ✨issues✨

I tend to think more than what’s probably considered healthy, mostly because I do t have people to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but I don’t know what they’re doing and I don’t want to burden them with my stupid problems. So like any sane person I write my problems on the internet.

I usually think about the weird things when it’s raining. It’s something about the sound and feeling of rain that makes me more content, which makes me think. Now, I don’t have any big problems by any means. I’m simply figuring myself and my life out.

First of all, my previously mentioned friends. I trust them, of course, but at the same time I don’t. And like many who think to much and have a strange amount of self-awareness, I think I know why that is. When I first started going to school, I was confident. I’d already had friends before and thought I knew how to make new ones. The problem with that is that said friends did not go to my school, so I was alone. Until I met my first two friends. They were very nice to me, we played together and got along. The thing that I started noticing though was that if me and one of them arrived at school around the same time and out third friend wasn’t there yet we’d get along great, but as soon as that third friend arrived I’d get ditched in favour of them. And that would obviously hurt me. But we resolved it (not really) and things were going fine. But that experience stuck with me. It was my first taste of loneliness and abandonment (dramatic much?) and it made me doubt myself. I thought that maybe, just maybe, there was something about me that they didn’t like.

Now jump ahead about two years and I was alone Every. Single. Recess. (Oh shit it storming outside right now and some thunder sounded like a bomb) Obviously this only made me feel worse about myself. I just remember being so desperate for some sort of connection with someone. And I got one. I started talking to this person, I’ll call them Bird, and we got along great. Pretty soon Bird was my best and we spent a lot of our time together. I was still sort of friends with the two other people, at least during lessons, and sometimes during recess, but not that much otherwise.

Jump ahead a bit more, another year or so, and my class changed. At my school my class and another (same age as us) we’re combined into one. In this class that we were combined with there were a few new people, one of whom stuck out. Mostly because they didn’t like me, and they weren’t exactly discreet in letting me know. They never said so to my face, but they made it quite clear in how they acted towards me. This also made me feel bad. Is there really something so wrong with me that others couldn’t help but dislike me for it? Can I fix it? What do it that makes me different? (At the current point in my life I’m fairly certain I know what it is so yeah. Fun)

Now, I’d always cared a fair bit about school. I was taught that education was important, and if I was going to spend hours at school I might as well use that time for something, be it academically of socially. So when those around me started caring less about their education and more about things such as appearance and social hierarchy and relationships, I was confused. Why would they just not care? HOW could they just not care? Now, I’m not saying that any of the previous things are necessarily bad things to care about. In fact, ist great! Being invested in your social life and how others view you can be nurturing and make you feel fulfilled. But too much of anything can be bad. Letting yourself care about only those things can be harmful in more ways than one. I’ve never particularly cared about those things; I don’t like dressing up or making myself look good for others. I don’t value others validation of my appearance. What I didn’t notice was that as I believed these thoughts, I started eating less.

But things are still pretty chill. I still struggle with what’s wrong and what makes me different, but that’s fine. I’m pretty sure everyone goes through that at some point in our lives. But now I’m starting to find some answers. I don’t really care much for my appearance or style, I like academic things, I’m starting to fall behind in my social development, people are becoming more bold in stating their opinions, people are more hateful and spread misinformation etc etc (there’s a fucking mosquito who won’t leave me alone fuck off please). And at this point I’m more invested in the online world. But the international online world, not my national online world if that makes sense. English isn’t my first language but I learned it from the internet/YouTube and it’s basically my second language at this point. I learned English for English content creators, and I continued following them, not the ones relevant in my home/country. So I was and still am kind of out of the loop on current influencer events here in the North. This ties in with what I thought to be the answer to my questions: the LGBTQIA+ Community.

I started finding creators from the LGBT+ and I related to them and their stories. But I didn’t think I was one of them. People at school were not afraid to boldly proclaim that being LGBTQ+ was wrong and bad and strange. That there was something inherently rotten about such people. Now, did I agree with that? No. But I let it influence to the point were I thought that others being LBGTQ+ was fine, but me being that wasn’t. I wasn’t aloud to be one of them because there wasn’t supposed to be something wrong with me. But there was something, in the back of my mind, some part of me that knew. That knew who I am and that being me was fine. Too bad that voice wasn’t loud enough.

I still had Bird with me. Granted, they also had other friends, but they still stayed by my side. And they didn’t change like others did. My two first friends are people I also grew closer to at this time. I put our “situation” behind me and ignored it. It was a new chapter of my life, one where thing were changing in the right direction. Too bad I wasn’t too good at reading maps.

At this point I’m in sixth (6th) grade, the worst grade/period/time of my life thus far. After summer break people had changed a lot. Not just socially, but physically as well. We started to mature, we were lite tiny birds, looking out of the nest and thinking about how to take flight and reach above the branches of expectations and reach the clouds of ambition. But some of us didn’t. We didn’t want to start using our wings. At most we took a little peek out of our nest and divided that was enough for now. We began to grow frightened of others and their strange ideas of leaving what we knew was safe. I’m We for those wondering.

I started struggling with anxiety, I couldn’t stand in front of people without being scared and had a few panic attacks during presentations. People would look at me weirdly and I grew paranoid of what was wrong with me. At this point I started eating even less, resigning myself to one potion per meal, and no snacks, sometimes skipping lunch. Once again some of my friends that I had at this point started drifting away from me but now the rest, and I started trusting them even less. I can’t help but think that they’re only pitying me, that they’re going to leave and that they do thing behind my back. There was also someone else who had a big influence on me.

I, along with Bird started hanging around this person, we’ll call them Pen. They were sort of new, they’d always been in our class but had been living abroad for eight (8) months and had just come back. At first things were great. Bird, Pen and I were our own little trio of friends. But soon a change occurred. Pen started getting more clingy, staying uncomfortably close at times and never staying out of our personal space. Bird ended up taking the initiative with one of our other mutual friends and had long talk with Pen which sort of ended their friendship. At first they’d all handled it alone but then Pen involved their parents and thing went downhill. But I wasn’t part of it. Which made Pen hang on to me even more. I could never get away from them, it always felt like they were breathing down my neck. I didn’t tell them this though, they just lost two friends and they must be hurt from it, seeking comfort from someone they still considered a friend. I was uncomfortable, but I felt bad for them, so I continued being around them. Something my teachers had realized at this point was that I tend to take responsibility for other and their actions, and told me that I should try to relax and talk to them as I had seemingly started to become overwhelmed. But I don’t tell others my problems so I didn’t take their help. This kind of escalated a bit next grade.

Grade seven (7) was not my best year but also not my worst. I spent summer break reflecting and thinking, and started to value myself a bit more. I started hanging out with friends more often (usually Bird), and started unintentionally ignoring Pen. Though sometimes, I think it was intentional, as the very thought of Pen at this point made me anxious and uneasy. I thought I could simply let Pen hang around with me, and then let them get their own new friend group. I didn’t want them to only hang around me, it was honestly a bit scary how much I dreaded being around them. The feeling that something was off or wrong around them wouldn’t go away. They didn’t leave me though. No; I became their sole friend whom they refused to leave. In seventh (7th) grade our class was split, with me and Bird being in different classes. I had some friends in my new class though andere became a group. I thought I could nudge Pen to become part of this group. Except that Pen didn’t interact or contribute to the relationship. They weren’t social enough with the group to become part of it, standing in the group only to follow me. And my teachers noticed this and spoke to me. I told them how I was uncomfortable around Pen, and how I would like to not have to sit close to them next time we switched we seats (done every few weeks or so). Teachers agreed. But didn’t follow through. They sat me Right. Next. To. Pen. I confronted them about this. They lied to me. Their reasoning was that one of Pen’s parents had told the teachers how Pen only felt comfortable around me, and that they would like for us to be together at school as much as possible.

I was horrified at this - I couldn’t be held responsible for another students comfort, grades and social life! They basically put all the responsibilities of the teachers - making sure students felt comfortable, helping with schoolwork when needed, making sure the student had friends in the class - on me! I was basically supposed to play friend, teacher and class for Pen! I honestly couldn’t believe it, and told my friends. They told me they understood completely - they could see how emotionally and mentally exhausted I was from taking care of Pen, studying, after school activities and being around people that they were concerned about my well being. They, too, had tried to get Pen to become part of the group, but when only one person is taking care of the ship you can’t expect it to sail. They also felt uncomfortable around Pen. My anxiety only got worse because of this, and I started becoming paranoid that Pen was always watching me, either through my phone or my windows. I could not get myself to relax, not even when totally alone, something I’ve always enjoyed and felt comfortable with.

And at the end of grade seven (7), it happened. I found out that Pen was switching schools. I feel guilty admitting it, but I felt so relieved and free when I found out. Finally, I thought, finally I would get some privacy. All of my other friends are aware of my boundaries: don’t touch me unless I’m ready and aware of it, give me some space, don’t force me to talk when I’m anxious etc. They know, respect and treat me well, and in turn I treat them well and respect their boundaries, but Pen didn’t seem to understand that no, I don’t want you to stand so close to me that I can literally feel you body heat.

So grade eight (8) rolls around and I so does a certain unspecified virus. We therefore had to have school online. For me this was a blessing. I don’t enjoy being around people for too long and I don’t ever want to deal with my classmates bs. The teachers even commented on several occasions that I seemed much happier, which I was considering I didn’t have someone constantly breathing down my neck. And now I start to drift away from Bird. I always considered Bird my absolute closest friend. Almost like a sibling. And now we were drifting apart. We both started walking our own paths, still close together but different in so many ways. We’re still friends to this day, but I don’t think our friendship is going to last until we’re adults anymore. It’s sort of sad, but it is natural. We are both starting to forge our own paths in life, our own docks from which we will eventually set sail from to explore the limitless blue beyond that is life. And one day we might even meet again on some distant island, reconnecting and sharing stories of calm blue oceans to storming black waters. But that will happen with time. For now, I’m content finding materials for my dock with my group of friends, sharing ideas for designs and unfinished blueprints of a distant future. I’m content staring at that great far away horizon painted in the colors of pink, magenta and blue, watching the clouds of today’s events and feeling the winds of tomorrow’s surprises whilst thinking of what one day might be.

TL;DR: I rant about my life and somehow become a poet at the end.

End note - I still struggle with trust and anxiety. I don’t have problems with how my body looks anymore and I don’t confine myself to strict diets and eating schedules. Part of me feels guilty about my situation with Pen, and one part of me feels relieved and happy that I don’t have to deal with them anymore. I’m smart enough and self aware enough to realize my problems and their causes, and I have the tools to craft my solutions. I’m doing good, and know how to keep doing good, at least for a little while more.

[evesbeve]

Hey there, you said your ask box was open for Justin Min's whole thing? I guess I just slept through the whole thing, honestly - could you just go over a gist of everything that happened? I get that it seems like a PR team didn't know how to use twitter (which, mood) and f-ed things up for him, but what were they "cleaning up" in the first place, who's Anna what did they do that warranted such a bizarre thread from the PR team, etc...? 😳

Hey! Okay so this is going to be a lot, so buckle up.

Right off the bat, I just want to say that Justin isn’t cancelled. The situation has been mostly resolved right now (more on that later).

So around a week ago, Justin Min started deleting his replies to fans. Depending on whether you’re on Twitter or not, you might know that Justin is one of the most interactive people of the cast. He knows a lot of fans by name, he has inside jokes with us, and he just interacts a lot with his fanbase. So you can imagine why him suddenly starting to delete his replies was a bit upsetting. There was nothing we could do about it though.

And suddenly, two days ago, Justin deactivated his account out of nowhere, which caused all kinds of drama to go down.

People started pointing the finger at specific accounts saying it was their fault that Justin deactivated (don’t even get me started on that logic; why a grown-ass adult deactivate because of a few teenagers is above me, it literally made no sense), even sending death threats. Others suspected that he got suspended because Twitter’s algorithm saw all these tweets get deleted and was like “welp, bot time.” Long story short, lots of misinformation was going around.

And then out of the blue, Justin’s account was reactivated, and he made a thread directed at Anna.

Now, who is Anna? Anna is a stan on twitter, whose @ I won’t be sharing for privacy, but here’s how they’re relevant in this:

Remember when I mentioned the inside jokes? Well, one of them was between a fan called Matt and Justin. Matt kept commenting on Justin’s tweets asking him to say trans rights. On the one year anniversary of Matt asking Justin to say trans rights, Justin finally said it. Then, Matt made a poll asking other stans what he should have Justin say next, and lesbian rights won.

Around a month ago, Matt replied to one of Justin’s tweets, and Justin responded with something along the lines of “haha, i know this is just an attempt to get me to say lesbian rights,” referencing the inside joke. People started commenting that the way he phrased it was a bit :/ so then he replied to his own tweet with something like “well, i’ll delete this before i get cancelled,” and that’s when things spiraled.

[id: Justin Min’s tweet #1: i see that you are trying to butter me up to say lesbian rights, nice try, matt. nice try.

Justin Min’s tweet #2: oh, here we go. this is an inside joke between myself and matt, if you’ve been a part o fthis fandom for more than a few weeks. but alas, i will have to delete this now before i’m cancelled by the end of the day. keep loving, everyone.]

Lesbians get spoken over and looked down upon not only by straight people, but also the LGBT community. So when Justin tweeted that, lesbians were like “this sounds as if you care more about your own self image rather than our community.” Then, non-lesbians got involved and started either a) calling Justin lesbophobic (which lesbians never did) or b) blindly defending Justin and saying he did nothing wrong.

(Side note: I am not a lesbian, and I’m not trying to speak over lesbians in this situation. But I did talk about this to some of my friends who are lesbians, and they told me that what Justin did wasn’t as big of a deal as Twitter made it out to be. These are their words, not mine. All I know is that it was definitely not bad-intentioned, just a huge misunderstanding.)

Anyway, Anna made a thread explaining to Justin why him defending himself came out as harmful towards the lesbian community, and then Justin apologised and that was it.

Which brings us back to yesterday (26/9/2020).

Everyone is freaking out, posting misinformation, panicking. I don’t exactly,,, know how, but the #justinminisoverparty hashtag started being used for actual hate towards Justin for deactivating, and some people (including Anna, though I think their tweet was in the context of a joke? please take this with a grain of salt though. update: it was in the context of a joke) mentioned that Justin is a lesbophobe.

A few hours later, Justin reactivated his account, tagged Anna, and said this (though it was actually his PR team, more on that later):

[id: Justin’s Tweet: @ [redacted] quickly jumping back on here from my twt break because i’m receiving messages that you’re continuing to spread misinformation, so i want to clarify.]

[id: Justin’s Tweets: 1. all of my interactions with you were deleted because of the need to set clear boundaries due to the fact that your incessant messages and replies from multiple accounts over the last several months were veering into stalking/harassment.

2. for someone who appears to pride themselves on reminding their friends/followers on a daily basis to be careful of the language they use on this app, you seem to be fine with flippantly labeling someone as homophobic/lesbophobic as if they’re cute little adjectives to give to someone, not realizing that such labels have real-life consequences.]

[id: Justin’s Tweets: 3. also noting here than in your original thread, you stated that you neither considered me nor my words to actually be lesbophobic, so a bit confused as to why your story has suddenly changed.

4. i realize you’re young, so i’m genuinely hoping you use this opportunity to learn and grow andbe a little more mindful the next time you decide to tweet.]

The next twenty minutes were pure chaos. Justin deactivated again, everyone started freaking out because that was very out of character for him. People were cancelling him because this could have easily been resolved in DMs, or tweeted without the mention of Anna (a minor) from a mainstream Twitter account.

And then, Justin Min DMed another fan on Instagram (her name is Em) about the situation.

Who is Em? For starters, I’d like to say that I personally know Em and that she’s one of my best friends. I’ve known her for more than a year now, and I can personally vouch for her. Everything that she posted is 100% true (if you want the thread where she posts proof of the DMs, please send me a different ask because I’m scared tumblr will not post this in the tag if I include it here).

The reason Justin DMed her out of all people is because he also kinda knows her? As I mentioned, Justin interacts with us on Twitter a lot, and Em is the one person he’s responded to the most, so he knows who she is. (He’s tagged her more times than other cast members, at least before all his tweets were deleted by his PR team.)

Anyway, this is what Em tweeted:

[id: Em’s tweets: please read this !!!

justin dmed me on instagram and basically the gist of it is that he hired a pr team and they tweeted the thread at anna without knowing everyone could see it. all of the tweets being deleted/ him deactivating was also them.]

Below is the image Em attached to the tweet:

[id: Justin’s DM to Em: hey. this is justin. i’m just hearing about what’s happening on twitter right now. for context, i was asked to work with a team of people to “clean up” my twitter in the past few weeks. they’ve taken the liberty of deleting a bunch of my responses and posts in order to safeguard me (whatever that means) as well as deactivating my account to comb through other things.i believe they accidentally sent anna a message and mistakenly believed the function for her to comment only would mean that she would be the only one to see it as well. needless to say, i’m no longer working with this team and want to personally apologize to her. do you know any way i can get into contact with her?]

And then, in a follow-up tweet:

[id: Em’s text at Justin: sorry for dming you again. is there any other way i can help? i just feel really bad about this whole thing and i know how quickly this stuff can spread if it’s not taken care of

Justin’s text: i mean, i guess you can share the information i’ve given you? it’ll take a bit of time for me to take back ownership on everything as i sever ties with that team, so maybe the sooner the better people know.

Em’s text: okay ! is it okay if i tweet a screenshot

Justin’s text: sure.]

Then Justin’s account got reactivated an hour ago (almost 24hs after Em’s tweets), and he tweeted this:

[id: Justin’s tweet: hi. it’s me. thank you for all your messages. this has been an incredibly tough week for me on multiple fronts. some things you might already be aware of; many other things you don’t know about.asking for a bit of privacy as i take sometime to unplug. hoping to be back soon.]

And that’s all, I think? There’s lots we don’t know about what happened yet, so please please please try not to spread misinformation. This is a stressful situation for us on Twitter, and especially for Justin, and misinformation going around is the last thing we need right now.

tl;dr: Justin Min hired a PR Team that started deleting all of his tweets and deactivated his account. Misinformation started spreading, people started cancelling Justin for no reason. The PR Team decided to respond to Anna, made the response public, deactivated again. Justin DMed Em and explained the situation, and an hour ago, he reactivated and said he’s taking a small break to sort things out.

If anyone has any other questions/clarifications, my askbox is open! Hope this shed some light on the situation <3

UPDATE 28/9/2020: Justin has DMed and apologised to Anna for the situation, and Anna has accepted the apology. Anna posted all of it on their account, but again, if you want a link, send me an ask!

[calamity-bean]

16 new horror films i’ve watched at random lately just cause i’ve been in the mood for horror

Been thinking about horror today, and fun fact, I’ve actually been fairly DEVOURING horror films of late! Sixteen new ones in the past couple weeks, in fact, according to the little list I’ve been keeping! New to me, that is, though they do all happen to be very recent releases (2016 at earliest). Horror is a genre with which I often like to pull up Netflix or Hulu and just pick at random some film I’ve never heard of and don’t know the first thing about; I feel like it’s a genre that depends so much on personal taste and that encompasses such a wide variety of tropes and approaches that I never entirely know whether I’ll like a particular film until I try it. It’s a gamble, sure, and sometimes it’s a dull or infuriating couple hours... But I love horror in general, and I feel like it’s a genre in which even terrible films often stir my imagination with the potential of their premise if not the brilliance of their execution. And you do find those hidden gems.

Anyway, since I love to hear myself talk, I thought I’d share my quick impressions of the ones I’ve watched lately, in case any of you are also in the mood to stream something new! These are (almost) all currently on Netflix or Hulu, so have at it. No specific spoilers; mostly just whether I liked it or not and why. I added a few content warnings where I remembered any elements that, to me, went beyond genre-standard levels of content or involved specific common triggers, but, I mean, they’re all horror films, so do your due diligence if necessary and do expect some level of violent or disturbing content in all of them. 

The sixteen films in question are: Sweetheart (2019); The Lodge (2019); Mercy Black (2019); What Keeps You Alive (2018); Cold Skin (2017); The Golem (2018); Rattlesnake (2019); We Summon the Darkness (2019); The Wretched (2019); They Come Knocking (2019); Pyewacket (2017); The Other Lamb (2019); The Silence (2019); Body at Brighton Rock (2019); Under the Shadow (2016); and Seven in Heaven (2018).

Brief descriptions and impressions and such under the cut!

Sweetheart: Survival/monster horror about a young woman who, after the boat she and her friends were on goes down in a storm, washes up alone on an uninhabited island… and then realizes she’s not entirely alone. Quite liked this one! Like almost any horror movie, it suffers from the fact that monsters are almost ALWAYS far scarier (and far less cheesy) before you actually see their CGI rendering chasing the protag, but that’s typical, we’re used to that. The protagonist is smart and capable, and the actress (Kiersey Clemons) has to carry so much of the film solo and often with very sparse dialogue. Warning for mutilated and decomposing corpses.

The Lodge: A woman who as a child was the only survivor of a cult winds up stranded with her new fiance’s two children in a remote, snowbound lodge. This one was pretty dark! I love themes of cold, isolation, and losing connection with reality, and I think the whole cast does a great job; the acting and production are overall high quality. Not sure it captured my imagination enough for a rewatch, but I did enjoy watching it. My fellow Barkskins fans will notice a few glimpses of our own Renardette. Warnings for onscreen suicide, pet death, and psychiatric/medical manipulation. 

Mercy Black: A young woman returns home fifteen years after, in her childhood, being involved in a disturbing act of violence inspired by an urban legend called Mercy Black. I like the concept behind this one, in terms of the urban legend, the protagonist’s relationship with it; I liked the overall film okay, but I found certain aspects a bit cliche or thinly sketched. Standard supernatural horror levels of violence and spookiness, imo.

What Keeps You Alive: For their one-year anniversary, a young couple vacation to a remote house in the woods, where the protagonist begins to learn some strange things about her wife. I really enjoyed this one. It might be my favorite on this list, and certainly one of the ones I’m more likely to watch again. It’s well structured, well made, with a strong, compact cast, and it’s gotten the song “Bloodlet” stuck in my head for weeks. However, you will probably not enjoy this one if, as I know is the case for some people, you would rather not consume content that depicts LGBT relationships that are unhealthy or LGBT characters who are villainous. I get where you’re coming from, but it means this one probably isn’t for you. It also isn’t for you if you would rather not see some quite brutal injuries.

Cold Skin: Okay, this is the only one that wasn’t actually on streaming, I checked this out from my local library. Set in 1914, a young man takes a post as a meteorologist on a remote island in the South Atlantic, inhabited only by the unfriendly lighthouse keeper… and the creatures that crawl onto shore at night. Gosh… How do I feel about this one? There are aspects that are cheesy, effects that don’t entirely hold up. But I liked it. I like the idea of it, and I like the themes of isolation and connection, and I like the protagonist and overall I think it’s a solid and interesting narrative. Sort of… The Terror meets Lovecraft. Warning for offscreen (but audible, and almost visible) sexual assault.

The Golem: Set in the late 17th century in a rural Lithuanian shtetl, a woman creates a golem to protect her community from the threats of Christians who blame her people for the plague. Thematically, this one centers largely around motherhood, which I think makes sense with how it’s done here, and I always like the supernatural elements of a horror film to have a very strong, personal thematic link with the protagonist’s emotional character arc. Stars Maman Brigitte from American Gods! Warning for mentions of miscarriage and themes of child death.

Rattlesnake: After a mishap on a remote highway, a woman unknowingly makes a deal with the devil in order to save her young daughter’s life. I liked this one as well; I found the protagonist enjoyable, the overall concept straightforward but engaging, and the hot, arid, rural setting — I think it’s supposed to be around Palo Duro? — an effective backdrop. Not spooky-scary, but nice tension throughout. 

We Summon the Darkness: Set in the 80s, three girls travel to a heavy metal concert despite the string of recent killings apparently committed by a Satanic cult. This one is basically a slasher flick — with a twist, yeah, but essentially the slasher model of teens plus extensive violence — and I think it’s a pretty decent one. And I liked the hair and costumes, ahaha. 

The Wretched: A teenage boy becomes convinced that his new neighbor has been possessed by something evil. I like the narrative and the characters in this one okay, but where I really have to give it props is in the overall visual presentation of the supernatural threats; it’s able to lean into uncanniness and human body horror that work well on film rather than presenting a creature created wholecloth (which, as I mentioned earlier, often doesn’t work super well).

They Come Knocking: On a drive into the middle of nowhere, a father and his two daughters hear something knocking on their caravan at night, asking to be let in. Okay, so… this one is a black-eyed children story (with a setup reminiscent of ye olde Anansi’s Goatman, too, in a way), and I have to admit that black-eyed children are one of those tropes that doesn’t work for me even as a creepypasta, it just strikes me as lame and dumb. And I did find the actual children in this film to be, well, cheesy and dumb-looking. But the human side of the narrative — the characters and their relationships and emotional aspects — is actually pretty well done! So I found it engaging enough in that regard.

Pyewacket: A teenage girl who has a difficult relationship with her mother lashes out by trying to summon a demon to kill her, only to regret the ritual right away. I think this one was well done, too, pretty dark, with a spooky forest setting and some genuinely creepy glimpses of the supernatural threat. I am also delighted to discover that Pyewacket is actually the name of a familiar spirit according to the confession of an accused witch in the 17th century. (Not delighted by the fact that this poor 17th century woman was tortured for being an alleged witch, but delighted that there’s a little historical inspo here.) Warning for a fairly graphic death by burning.

The Other Lamb: This one is not horror as in “scary” but horror as in thematically disturbing and a little eerie. A young girl who’s been raised in a cult — all female except for their leader, to whom all the members are either wives or daughters — begins to question her faith. Slow, quiet, and a bit surreal, with some slightly feral-woman themes that are up my alley; I think I enjoyed it? The cast is quite good, especially the protagonist (Raffey Cassidy) and cult leader (Michiel Huisman with, I gotta say, some truly lovely hair). Warning for onscreen but nongraphic (as in, clothed and not showing anything below the neck) sexual assault of a minor.

The Silence: A deaf teenager and her family struggle to survive amidst an apocalypse of deadly monsters that attack based on sound. No, I’m not talking about A Quiet Place. I do feel a bit sorry for this film, because I know that it was conceived of and began production well before A Quiet Place came out, only to essentially be doomed by its striking similarity to such a successful film… And honestly, it’s not as good as A Quiet Place; it’s cheesier, there are more plot and character holes, the ultimate main threat feels disconnected from the premise, and the core theme/character arcs aren’t as cohesive. But it’s not TERRIBLE. It’s more of a B-movie-esque monster/disaster flick, is all. And I like Stanley Tucci, so at least he’s always fun to watch.

Body at Brighton Rock: An inexperienced parks employee gets lost in the backcountry and has to spend the night watching over a (possibly murdered) body she stumbles across while awaiting rescue. This one… hm. It’s like, I didn’t hate it? But it was frustrating. It reused the same scares / fake-outs multiple times, and even by horror movie standards the protagonist was maddeningly careless. I think it was all the more disappointing because I do like the setting and premise but felt it could’ve been better. 

Under the Shadow: In 1980s Tehran, during the air raids and missile strikes of the War of the Cities, a woman begins to fear something evil is stalking her young daughter through their emptying apartment building. This is another top fave, and I think overall the most well constructed film on this list in an objective sense. Strong narrative, strong characters and acting, a really great atmosphere of claustrophobia and tension and dread, and an interesting and effective setting. Would absolutely watch again.

Seven in Heaven: At a house party, two teenagers enter a closet as part of a kissing game, and they exit into a parallel universe that is similar but different in striking ways. This one was, hm… okay? I felt like it could’ve gone so much farther with the potential of alternate universes, in terms of really making them weird and interesting, and although I don’t expect a film to spell out everything for me, I just thought that the whole underlying mechanism of what was happening was left too unexplained. Also, the background characters looked like they were played by actual high school-age teens while the main characters looked like your standard Hollywood 20-something “teens,” which created kind of a weird dissonance lmao. But it was okay.

Overall, I didn’t HAAATE any of these; most were fine, some I found less engaging or more frustrating than others, and some I really enjoyed. I did start and then not finish a few more as well... I watched about 20 minutes of Black Rock (2012) before deciding I wasn’t in the mood for where it was going, and I just barely started We Are What We Are (2010) but realized I was too tired and distracted by other things to pay enough attention to subtitles at the moment. On a not strictly horror note, but it’s still thriller so we’ll toss it in, I got a ways into The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017) because that’s a helluva title and I wanted to see Barry Keoghan’s work outside Dunkirk (the only film I’d seen him in), but man, that’s a weird one huh, very slow, very odd style of dialogue. I’ll still likely finish some or all of those at some point, but I just wasn’t in the right headspace when I first tried. 

Anyway, this has been me telling you what movies I’ve been watching! I’m sure you’re enthralled. And please always feel free to talk horror movies to me or send me recs!

[missperfectlyfine13]

Could This Be Something Real? (Chap. 5/?)

Read below or on AO3

“Breaking up” with Beca…no scratch that, “dating” Beca was seemingly one of the biggest mistakes Chloe has ever made.

She should have known better when she offered to fake date that she would only end up hurt. Although she never thought she would end up madly in love with the girl. With how strong her feelings were…are, Chloe’s surprised she didn’t realize how she felt about her best friend sooner. It took them to actually date for her to realize.

Chloe has spent the last few days crying it out and trying to figure out where she went wrong. It’s clear Beca feels something for her but every time they took it a step further she pulled back. Was she coming on to strong? Did she scare Beca? Or did she read her completely wrong? Maybe Beca doesn’t like her like that at all. Maybe they’re destined to only ever be friends, although that might have even been ruined during their fall out.

They haven’t talked since it happened. Which is why Chloe is utterly confused right now.

B: I have a huge favor to ask

She stares down at her phone, at a text from Beca, for what seems like forever. She really shouldn’t answer it, but her fingers twitch over the keyboard betrayingly so.

C: What?

B: I hate to ask you this…but I really need you to be my date one more time

She’s unbelievable. What part of ‘I’m done’, doesn’t she get?

C: For what?

She could chop her own fingers off, that was not the response she wanted to send.

B: A charity event to help homeless LGBT youth…I know it’s random, but I told them I would bring you a long time ago, they were really excited to have us

Of course, it has to be for the kids, way to tug on her heart strings. Even so, Chloe should say no, she should tell her no, put her phone down and walk away.

C: When is it?

Yet again, her fingers betray her.

B: This Friday night

C: Ok but because it’s for the kids…and this is the last time Beca!

B: Omg thank you so much Chlo. I swear this will be the last time

Chloe groans, throwing her phone down on the sofa next to her. What did she just get herself into?

************

Friday night rolls around and Chloe is staring at herself in the full-length mirror in Beca’s bathroom. Beca had asked her to come over and get ready at her house, since her hair and makeup team would be there. Chloe had begrudgingly agreed.

They really did a wonderful job though, and her gown is absolutely gorgeous. She swears she’s never been in a more beautiful article of clothing. It’s floor length and baby blue, it’s a princess style cut, that frames her figure perfectly.

The moment she sees Beca though, she has to remind herself that she’s supposed to be angry at her. It’s hard when she looks so radiant. She’s in a dress similar to Chloe’s, but it’s a cream color and a bit slimmer than hers. Her hair is pinned up in intricate curls. It’s altogether far more feminine and girly than Beca ever dresses. It makes Chloe wonder why she chose it, it’s definitely not her norm.

“You look really nice,” Chloe manages to breathe out, her throat has gone dry at the sight of the girl before her.

“So do you,” Beca compliments her back, her eyes wandering up and down Chloe’s form.

It’s the most they’ve spoken to each other since Chloe arrived 3 hours ago. It makes Chloe unbelievably sad that this is what it’s come to. She used to talk to Beca all day, she told her everything.

“Well, we should get going,” Beca says abruptly, leading the way out to the car waiting for them.

************

Chloe is realizing that she’s been in this situation a few too many times now. It feels eerily similar to the moment that broke them a week ago. Except there’s a bite of hostility between the two. She hopes it’s not palpable enough for anyone to notice.

Beca has a had a few too many drinks…well so has Chloe and everything is starting to feel all too comfortable. Even with the bad vibes, Beca is a little too handsy. Choe is giving into it more than she would like. Beca is due to give a speech on her experience being part of the LGBT community very soon and Chloe is starting to wonder if she’ll be coherent enough to not make a fool of herself.

“Bec, you really should lay off the drinks for a bit. Why don’t we get you some water or a soda,” Chloe grabs the short tumbler of amber liquid from the brunette’s hands.

“You’re not my mom Chloe,” Beca pouts but lets Chloe take the glass from her anyway.

“You’re right I’m not your mom…I’m your girlfriend,” Chloe’s voice drips with sarcasm as she says it, “and someone has to make sure you’re with it for your speech.”

Beca’s face softens at the mention of her speech, “Oh shit, do I sound drunk?”

Chloe shakes her head no, “You’re fine, but you’ve just slurred a few words. Drink some water and try to sober up quick.”

She doesn’t drink any water, just sits at their table with her arms crossed over her chest. Chloe doesn’t really know what her problem is tonight, but at least she’s not drinking any more.

The time finally comes for Beca to make her speech and Chloe watches carefully as Beca makes her way up onto the platform. She only missteps once, hopefully no one suspects that she’s as tipsy as she is. She starts to speak and honestly, she really is doing a great job. She’s a little looser, sharing a little more than she normally would but in this case it’s ok. Just when Chloe is sure she’s done and is going to make her way back, Beca points a finger out into the audience, in Chloe’s general direction. This can’t be good…

“One more thing before I head off the stage, I want to give a big shout out and thank you to my wonderful girlfriend Chloe.”

In a matter of seconds, hundreds of faces turn to look at Chloe. She squirms under the sudden attention.

“Without her…I would be nothing. She’s beautiful, kind, so caring and she makes me happy every single day. I love you more than you will ever know Chloe.”

The crowd erupts into oohs and ahhs at Beca’s little dedication. Chloe’s face instantly heats up at the words. Did she really mean that? Was it for show? Or was it the inner workings of a drunk Beca? Either way, Chloe can’t help the way her hands are shaking, or her pulse is racing.

After what feels like a century, Beca finally makes it back to their spot. She slides onto the chair next to Chloe, beaming ear to ear.

“So, how’d I do?” she gives her a toothy grin.

“Beca…why did you say that?” Chloe’s voice quivers as she asks it.

Beca’s hand slides onto the top of Chloe’s leg, the younger woman gazes into her eyes, “Because I love you Chlo.”

This is getting almost cruel, Chloe can’t help the tears that are already in the corner of her vision, ready to spring free.

“Don’t say that,” Chloe looks down at her lap, where Beca’s hand still lays.

“Why?” she actually looks like she doesn’t get it.

Chloe sighs deeply, “Don’t say that unless you actually mean it…my heart can’t take much more of this.”

There’s a flash of recognition on Beca’s face, she seems to instantly sober up, “Wait…Chloe. Do you have feelings for me?”

Chloe actually laughs at the question, “Oh my god Bec, did it really take you this long to figure it out?”

Beca just looks back at her dumbly, not able to form any coherent speech. The cats out of the bag, so Chloe figures she might as well keep going.

“That’s why I asked to break up. I can’t stand to pretend that you’re mine for one more day. I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but I can’t help how I feel,” the red head quickly justifies her words and gets ready to receive the world’s biggest heart break.

Instead of being quietly rejected, Chloe finds herself being dragged away from their table, towards the bathrooms. Beca hasn’t found her words yet but apparently knows what she wants, the way she had grabbed Chloe’s hand and pulled her up from her seat. Beca drags her into the bathroom, Chloe sighs in relief when she sees that it’s seemingly vacant.

Before Chloe can even ask why Beca dragged her here, the brunette surges forward and captures Chloe’s lips with her own. Chloe kisses her back hungrily, not caring that they are in a public restroom where anyone could walk in. Her heart soars and her entire body tingles. The kiss is packed with every ounce of emotion both girls have held in for weeks. It’s nothing like any of their other kisses. Chloe can feel that this is real.

Beca breaks away for a second to mumble against Chloe’s lips, “I love you so damn much Chlo.”

Chloe whimpers before pulling Beca back into her, her tongue begs for entrance into the other girl’s mouth, which she is quickly granted. She feels herself being slowly guided backwards, until her back collides with cool tile and she hears the click of a stall door. The newfound privacy makes Beca spring into action, her hands wandering all over Chloe’s body. Chloe can’t help the loud moan that reverberates throughout the bathroom when Beca’s lips leave hers to trail down the side of her neck. As quickly as her lips make the descent down Chloe’s neck, her hand finds it’s way to a cloth and sequin covered breast.

Even with the onslaught of sensations, Chloe manages to breathily make her own feelings known, “I love you too Bec.”

Beca moans into her skin and her hands take a firmer hold on her breasts. Chloe squirms under her touch, already embarrassingly turned on. She doesn’t want this to happen in a bathroom stall, not their first time. So, when Beca drops to her knees, Chloe grabs her hands and forces her to look up.

“Not like this Bec, come back up here,” she says softly, her body is screaming at her for stopping but they can’t, not here.

Beca looks disappointed, but Chloe pulls her into a slow, lazy kiss.

“I want this Beca, believe me I do, but not in a bathroom stall, fully clothed.”

Beca nods understandingly, “You’re right, I feel the same.”

Beca leans back in to kiss Chloe deeply, pulling her as close as she can.

“You want to get out of here?” Beca pulls away and asks.

“Don’t you have to kind of be here?” Chloe quirks an eyebrow.

Beca shakes her head, “Not anymore, I did my part.”

“Oh ok, let’s go then,” Chloe gives her a small smile.

Beca grabs her hand and leads them from the stall and the bathroom. Chloe feels like she’s glowing she’s so happy. She’s not sure what this means for them yet, but Beca feels the same. Beca loves her and that’s all Chloe has ever wanted.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Forty One

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

October 8th, 1996

Remy dashed after the retreating figure. “George! Hey, hold up!”

George stopped and glared at Remy, and Remy felt frozen in place. “Were you ever going to tell me?” he snapped.

“Tell you what?” Remy asked.

“That you had a crush on me?!” George asked. “You’re sick in the head, Remy! Don’t you know that you can get in serious trouble for being gay?!”

“Who...who told you I had a crush on you?” Remy asked, searching George’s face, blood roaring in his ears. It couldn’t be. No...it couldn’t...please don’t let it be him.

“Jacob told Darren, who told me,” George sneered.

“I...that was last year, George! I don’t have a crush anymore!” Remy lied.

George scoffed. “Whatever! I can’t believe you thought we could be friends. I don’t associate with queers.”

Remy stayed frozen in place as George went to his next class. Remy heard snickering from behind him. Jacob and Darren were standing there, and Darren high-fived Jacob. “Nice one. Want to sit at lunch with me?” Darren asked.

“Sure thing!” Jacob exclaimed.

Jacob told the most popular kids in school. Remy couldn’t move. The whole school must know by now...

  August 22nd, 2001

Remy watched Emile closely whenever he could get away with it in their small apartment. Emile had been wearing T-shirts over the summer, so Remy could watch his arms, but he couldn’t see any other exposed skin below Emile’s neck, and Remy was worried that Emile might be hiding fresh injuries. After seeing Emile bang his fists against his head repeatedly in frustration and then hide in his room for the rest of the day and not acknowledge Remy the next morning, well, Remy was worried.

In all honesty, he wasn’t sure he still had the right to worry over Emile, but it didn’t mean he just stopped caring. He kept to himself, too afraid to openly check on Emile, but when he was alone in his room, his head would drop, his tears would fall, and choked sobs would escape their prison. He had screwed up, probably irreparably damaged not only his relationship, but his friendship with Emile. His one friend in life who he could always count on. Who helped him find Kim. Who encouraged him to make more friends. And he had gone and tossed away that bond.

It was one morning when Remy was making breakfast that Emile walked into the kitchen, wincing as he placed a hand on his abdomen. Remy tried not to freak out as he did a mental tally of all the sharp tools in their apartment and their locations. Nothing seemed out of place or bloody this morning, but that only soothed Remy’s nerves so much.

Emile glanced over and caught Remy staring, and Remy turned back to his toast. “What?” Emile snapped.

Remy flinched minutely. “It’s nothing,” he mumbled.

“No, I didn’t cut myself, since I know you’re wondering. My stomach happens to be upset,” Emile growled. “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of hurting myself over your words.”

“Do you honestly think I want that, Emile?” Remy asked. “Because I don’t.”

Emile didn’t even glance in Remy’s direction at that, and Remy felt his stomach sink. “What can I say, Emile? I’m sorry! I crossed a line I didn’t know was there, and I won’t cross it again!” His eyes pricked with tears. “I want to be your friend. I don’t even care if we don’t date anymore, I just want to be your friend again.”

“Well, I don’t,” Emile said, gripping the counter with white knuckles. “Because we’re always doing this. We cycle through good times, and then one bad thing happens and we’re back where we started, at each others’ throats, only this time we know where to find the jugular. I don’t want to keep going through that cycle the rest of my life.”

“But we can get better at that, can’t we? I’ve gotten more stable! I just didn’t realize that we both had strong opinions on this! Can’t we...can’t we at least be friends? Can’t we at least try?” Remy begged. “Please, Emile. I don’t want to lose you.”

Emile’s eyes were hard as he finally looked over, and Remy knew he looked pathetic. Eyes red and puffy, tear tracks on his cheeks because he was always such a crybaby. He would never outgrow that. “It’s a bit late for that,” Emile said simply, pushing himself off the counter.

Remy wilted. “Oh,” he said softly. Then, “Will you take me to therapy still, or should I walk?”

“How did you get there last week?” Emile asked.

“I didn’t. Kim’s getting ready to move practices, and states. We’ve been moving from every week to every other week, in an attempt to get me used to not going to a therapist as often, because if I choose another one, then I might have to be put on a waiting list for a while,” Remy said.

“If?” Emile asked. “Not when?”

“Well, considering this whole situation, I’m pretty sure that I can’t get any better than this,” Remy said, letting his arms spread before falling to his sides. “I didn’t think I needed any more help, two weeks ago. I thought I’d be fine. But clearly, all the change has just been superficial, if I’m still hurting you.” He shook his head. “Why am I even telling you this? You don’t want to be my friend, you don’t want to hear about this.”

Emile looked conflicted for a brief second, before his face returned to its stony, neutral state. “I have to get to work,” he said by way of reply, grabbing some granola and leaving the kitchen. “If you need a ride to therapy, call me. But I’m sure you can walk there just fine in about an hour.”

Remy nodded silently, turning back to his toast. He listened to Emile get dressed in a hurry, and head out the door, slamming it possibly a little harder than necessary. Flinching minutely, Remy went back to eating his toast. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to eat, but he needed it if he was going to be working today. He tried to avoid the thought that Emile would be upset if he didn’t eat. Emile didn’t want to be friends, he had made that very clear. And people who weren’t your friends didn’t actively want you to care for yourself, not in the sense that friends did.

He was alone. He felt so alone, and it wasn’t fair, except it was. He had brought this punishment on himself, and now he had to face the consequences. Remy took a deep breath, forcing the bile crawling up his throat back down. Now was not the time to cry himself sick. He had work to get to, and therapy later tonight.

Remy walked his way to the local coffee shop, wishing not for the first time that he could have gotten that promotion to manager. Instead of him, Steven had been promoted. Which, that wasn’t the worst choice they could have gone with, but Steven didn’t exactly go the extra mile, either. He would look out for himself, and only himself.

As Remy came in the doorway, a couple people nodded at him, and he offered them weak smiles back. He hadn’t been able to tell anyone here about his issues with Emile, just implying that he had a bad couple weeks over a break up, without being able to use Emile’s name, because Steven was always around. It frustrated him to no end that he was constantly forced to hide this part of himself. He wanted to jump on the counters and scream, “I’m here, I’m queer, and if you have a problem with that, then say it to my face!”

But that would be suicide when it came to his job, so he forced himself to keep his mouth shut just a while longer. He didn’t know how much longer he’d have to do it, considering that yeah, Fairview was liberal enough, but not the people inside it who he ran into on a daily basis. He wondered how any of the blue politicians actually got into office around here, if there were so many homophobes, but, he reasoned, if the politicians didn’t reveal their stance on the LGBT community, and focused more on schools or taxes or whatever, then they could slip under the radar and help people like Remy, which he appreciated.

Even if he no longer had any plans to date, or get married. He saw Emile as really the only one he’d be willing to risk hate crimes for. Who he’d find a way in the legislature to marry. And now Emile was gone. Probably never coming back. And that sucked.

One of his coworkers cornered him in the back room as he was tying his apron on. “Boyfriend troubles?” he asked in a low voice. Steven was one of the few people still in the dark about Remy’s identity, because Steven was very vocal about political views, and he was very, very conservative. He also happened to be using the office one room over.

“We broke up. Really messily. Two weeks ago. And he’s still snarling at me, and I feel awful.” Remy shook his head. “I mean, he has the right to, I was the one who provoked him, but I really wish I hadn’t.”

“And he won’t listen to you?”

Remy laughed. “Would you, if I were a complete and utter asshole to you all because I didn’t think you could get hurt?”

“Not at first. But two weeks is a long time, man. He’s not still licking his wounds, he’s holding a grudge.”

“Look, I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be fine,” Remy insisted. “It’ll be okay, I’ll be okay. I just need a little more time, and maybe a new roommate. I know it would make him feel better, at the very least.”

“Picani! Where are you?!” Steven asked, walking in.

“Right here,” Remy said. “Just struggling a little with the straps on my apron. Bradley was helping me.”

“Well, fix it fast, because I need both of you out here for the morning rush,” Steven snapped.

The second he left Remy breathed a sigh and Bradley grimaced. “Is it just me, or did Steven get worse when he was promoted?”

“Not just you,” Remy said. “Although I always thought he was fishy, so this is less of a surprise to me personally.”

Bradley grimaced again and both of them left the back room to deal with the morning rush. Remy appreciated the distraction so long as he didn’t think about it as a distraction. Because if he did that, he would get memories of the shelter, and hanging out being happy with Emile...and he would get upset and possibly teary-eyed that he couldn’t have that anymore. And no one wants their barista sobbing into their coffee, Remy, so you have to pull it together, man, Remy reminded himself.

A pang in his chest resonated when he remembered Emile calling him “girl” on those days where he was super confused about his gender, and he bit his lip to keep back the tears. He kept biting at every little thing that came into his head that reminded him of Emile, which had to be about half of the world, until he tasted copper. He put a hand to his mouth, pulling it back to see blood. He winced. He hadn’t realized he was biting that hard.

Retreating to the bathroom to wash his hands free of blood, he tried to force all thoughts of Emile out of his mind. It wasn’t working very well, in all honesty, but he had to try. He couldn’t end up sobbing into someone’s coffee. Steven would get mad and all his other coworkers would know something was up and those who had initiative when it came to friends might kill Emile. He didn’t want Emile dead, he just wanted to be friends. But he had squandered that opportunity, unaware of how much he needed Emile’s support until it was gone.

The rest of his shift, Remy was on the edge of crying, but never actually broke down. He got a few concerned looks, and a massive headache from holding the tears back, but he managed to do it in the end. And the second his shift ended, he was out of there. He walked back home, only to realize that Emile would be back at this point too. He turned away from the door and walked back outside the complex, resolving to go to therapy. After all, he didn’t have a lot of time before his next appointment anyway. Not if he had to walk there.

He trudged along the sidewalk, letting himself cry just a little, trying to ease the headache that was killing him. He was tired, and miserable, and he could feel a tickle in the back of his throat. He sincerely hoped he wasn’t getting sick. The last thing he needed was to be stuck at home with Emile before Emile’s classes started up. But knowing his luck, he would end up with the flu and be bedridden for a solid week.

When Kim opened the door to her office and let Remy in, Remy sighed. “I screwed up, Kim. Like, really badly.”

“Let’s talk about it,” Kim said. “I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

[crazedlunatic]

Paparazzi

“Kurt, you need to get on the internet right now.”

Kurt, who was staring at his computer screen and trying to come up with an idea to fix a dress he was working on, sighed and removed Alec from speaker phone. “What?”

“So, they’ve figured it out.”

“Who has figured out what?”

“Your fandom has figured out who Blaine is. His full name and they know you two are engaged.” Alec said. “Eric saw it on Facebook. It broke out on Tumblr apparently. Now that they’ve got his name, well… you know people with blogs and social media.”

“They know his name and that we’re engaged. They would have found out his name when we legally changed our names anyway.” Kurt tilted his head, staring at his screen.

“Someone posted where he works. Address and all.”

“Fuck.” Kurt hung up, calling Blaine.

“Kurt, what is going on? I mean I know I made my social media profiles public after Harvard but I have 3,000 friend requests on Facebook, 5,000 new followers on Instagram, and I’m even getting notifications for a Tumblr I had open when I was fifteen.” Blaine said as soon as he answered.

“I don’t know. Alec just called and told me; that’s why I’m calling. What do I need to do?”

“This picture is from, like, my twelfth birthday party. What in the actual hell?” Blaine sounded like he was half paying attention to Kurt. “Why would anyone let me have my hair that short? It’s disgusting.”

“Blaine, can you pay attention to me?” Kurt opened his internet browser, googling ‘Blaine Anderson Kurt Hummel.’ “Oh fuck.”

“I know, right? I mean I know there have been pictures of me with you floating around since you made it big but they’ve never known my full name and honestly, they never even hinted at us maybe being together. And now they know my full name, that we’re engaged, and where I work at? I’ve also gotten ten things of flowers from random men which is flattering but creepy.”

“They’re mailing you stuff? Nobody mails me stuff.” Kurt scoffed.

“Little league soccer pictures? Pictures from the Sadie’s Hawkins dance in high school? Trigger warning would have been nice, just saying. I feel like I need to take a restraining order out on your entire fandom.” Blaine sighed. “I don’t even remember those skinny jeans.”

“People you went to school with before Dalton are probably uploading pictures now… geeze, Blaine. I’m surprised your sperm even took after those skinny jeans.” Kurt gasped. “What do we need to do?”

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do at this point. It’s just old pictures making rounds and there’s no personal pictures of us posted yet; just the same ones that the paparazzi uploads when we go to the gym or out to eat.” Blaine closed the internet from his computer.

“I am so sorry.” Kurt sighed. “They didn’t even act this crazy over me when they found my social media accounts.”

“Well they found your professional ones… I don’t have professional ones to have filtered.” Blaine responded. “But you better go and make your other one unsearchable because we’re listed as engaged so… so that’s how they know. Have you checked your personal Facebook, Kurt?”

“Oh, God.” Kurt sighed, pulling out his personal cell phone and pulling it up. “Apparently I’ve got so many friend requests nobody can request me anymore… on my personal one. So, it’s only a matter of time before pictures of us together, very clearly together, pop up.”

“This is fine. I mean, it’s not like you’re Matt Bomber or Neil Patrick Harris, okay?”

“This is three weeks after the New York show and London’s is next month. These are the first big shows I’ve done solo. Oh, God. Jason was right. She said this would happen but I didn’t think it would.”

“What?”

“He said once they caught wind of who you were, that we’d end up a power couple for the LGBT community. I don’t want to be a power couple. I don’t even wear good clothes to work anymore. I don’t like public speaking or having my picture taken or anything.”

“Relax, Kurt. This doesn’t mean we’re going to end up being a power couple.” Blaine interrupted his impending freak out.

“We’re getting married in three months. We’re having twins in five months. I can’t have a crazy fandom following, okay? It’s hard enough to remember to brush my teeth before bed some nights.” Kurt rambled on. “Oh my God.”

“What?” Blaine asked, sounding alarmed.

“There’s a picture of us shirtless and kissing from the beach trip we took after we got engaged. Oh my God, I’m so white. And you just look perfect. Great.” Kurt whined.

“Who the hell took it then?”

“I feel unclean.” Kurt whimpered. “I need to call a lawyer. Yeah, I should get a lawyer. And have these taken down because if my Dad sees this, he’s going to be so obnoxious for a year. He’ll mail copies to us and we’ll go home in and our room will be wallpapered in it.”

“Uhm… you’re marrying a lawyer.” Blaine said slowly.

Kurt looked at his phone when he got a text.

Looks like you’ve got a problem, kid. There’s a reporter here asking all about you and Blaine.

“They’re at Dad’s house. They are at Dad’s house.” Kurt yelped. “Blaine!”

“This will all blow over. I mean, we’re boring. You take an hour getting ready for bed and I can’t put lids on coffee cups. We are not interesting enough to hold attention that long.” Blaine said, voice gentle and reassuring.

“Y-you’re right.” Kurt took a deep breath. “We’re pretty boring. Surely it’ll blow over… right?”

Blaine didn’t answer and Kurt could hear someone, likely Adrian, saying, “Goddamn, Blaine. Could those pants have been any tighter?”

“Bob’s going to kill me.”