#honestly this week is a fuvking

[deeenerys17]

I think he may have fuvked up towards the end which hurt her and hence the unfollows. He is a human after all and it hurts him too. I can see him lashing out like she is now. May be hooked up with someone immediately and he is single. it could have hurt Taylor. I cannot question how much she loved and still does. Her actions,music are a proof. She completely changed her lifestyle to suit both of their needs We can't use when she is lashing out and acting insane against her. Its sad but it is how it is. We know how the media paints her. Its tragic how they ended.

Yes - he could have fucked up or he just simply checks out and left her. I dont know. And its so tiring to continue to think of all the different scenarios that happened. I've been in my head for the past 2 weeks and it's making me insane honestly 😂

You are right she indeed loved him. I wouldn't be surprise if one day we will have a song about how bittersweet their ending is. But we gotta move on..

The media will always be unreliable and harsh towards her. Whats new? Although, I dont see this as something that will have a massive impact on her music compared to 2016.

[brianmaysbread]

Honestly still a lot of peeps make fun of that kid who literally jumped off a building after sitting for their add maths exam but that's honestly mood 24/7 after examinations.

[actually-2000-mice]

-------

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for Friends to Lovers with Rodrick Heffley

Rodrick Heffley x reader

warnings: mentions of a bad home life

a/n: YALL I FUVKING DID IT AND IM TERRIFIED OF THE REPERCUSSIONS

prompt: y/n and rodrick have been friends for a long time, so long boundaries seem to be blurred

you’ve actually known rodrick since elementary school

it all started when he asked you to join his band

“i can play drums, you can play the tambourine because that’s the only other instrument i have! it’ll be wicked!”

your band lasted a week and only had one gig, it was for rodrick’s parents

who LOVED you by the way

they somehow permitted you to sleepover almost every other day, you practically lived at their house

FOR YEARS you did this

terrorizing lil greg

“what’s he gonna do, pee his diaper?”

“rodrick!!!”

always trick or treating together, exchanging candy when you got back go his house (or occasionally yours)

you guys didnt like hanging at your house, your parents were kind of....a lot to handle

starting middle school together, wreaking havoc on all the teachers

rodrick did it to impress you, according to mr. and mrs. heffley

but he’d give you a stupid little smirk from across the classroom after he got scolded so you believed them

whenever anyone gave you shit at school, rodrick wouldn’t hesitate to step in and show them who’s boss

“rodrick, you’re gonna get detention again!”

“yeah, well, i’m not gonna let them be mean to you”

you went to his house after school most days, sometimes you’d get there first while he was in detention

mrs. heffley had after school snacks

“y/n, why don’t you play some video games with greg while you wait for rodrick to get home?”

playing wii sports with greg, who cried when you won

you also had time to do homework while you waited, rodrick usually copied afterwards

when rodrick came home, he’d drag you to the garage to show you his drum skills

he hit himself in the head with his drumstick

“ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark”

next step was high school, which was a weird step up

but you guys had each other

you still spent most nights at the heffley residence, but you had to sleep on the couch instead of on the floor in the attic (aka rodricks lair)

“you two are growing up, so we think it’s best that you don’t sleep in the same room together, right?”

rodrick emptied one of his drawers for you to put your clothes in

but you still end up stealing his clothes half the time

“i wish i could be mad, but you wear all of my clothes better than me”

subconsciously doing couple-y things without realizing it

like rodrick would pull you closer to him when you two were together, put his arm around you, give you his jacket, etc

“are you guys serious? you’ve got to be dating!” -everyone

“rodrick, when are you and y/n going to get together?” -mr. and mrs. heffley

the answer was always the same: “we’re just friendssssss”

watching his band practice and cheering him on no matter what

you’re his guest vocals ☺️

when he got the van, it was a whole new world for you guys

you could go out wherever whenever

(with parent approval usually)

“wanna go ride around for a little while? hit a gas station and get a bunch of candy?”

“do you even have to ask?”

watching scary movies in his room

“platonic” cuddling in his bed

stuffing your face in the crook of his neck during scary scenes

“come on, y/n! it’s not that bad!”

him having to hold onto you for comfort so you’d keep watching with him

sometimes falling asleep together and his mom or dad coming to check on you later

“alright, time for bed! y/n, you get your usual couch...”

laughing your ass off at rodrick when he messes with greg

manny loves you, sometimes rodrick is jealous of the attention you give to his baby brother instead of him

rodrick scooping you up in his arms when you least expect it, never fails to make you scream

“hey there, hot stuff”

“you’re impossible!”

roller skating together, he held your hand the whole time bc he was worried you’d fall

his friends ENDLESSLY taunt him over your relationship

when he makes plans with others, he always says “let me ask y/n first” which just SENDS his friends oh my god

“dude, that’s your s/o!”

“no, they’re not! shut up!”

hating being apart a lot its so stressful

sometimes you’d have a pretty hard time at home and show up to his house at odd hours, but you were always welcome

you have your own key

“hey, what’s wrong?”

“my parents...they’re just the worst”

rodrick knows its bad when you start crying

he took you up to his room and played some music (quietly as not to wake the house)

you laid on top of him while he rubbed your back and told you that he was there for you

dozing off on him, as per usual

dude, the amount of pictures you have? astronomical

you playing his drums, the two of you going 🤘, an actual nice picture of you guys, him carrying you on his back, kiddos on your first day of school by year, you kissing his cheek “platonically”

comforting him when he was having his own hard times, whether it be an argument with his parents/greg, difficulties with musical inspiration, or anything else

“come here, you need a hug”

“i need several”

“you’ll get ‘em”

talent show! talent show! talent show!

you completely cussed out the rest of his band before they went on bc they had the audacity to replace him

but greg managed to save the day

“greg, my dude, give me a high five, that was awesome”

he wasn’t actually half bad but like, his mom kinda stole the show

more joyrides in the van

absolutely BLASTING the music in there while you and rodrick sat on the floor in the back and ate the taco bell you’d just picked up

“dude, you gotta try my potato griller, it’s a godsend”

“okay, but try this slushie, its so good. i mean, not as good as a 7-eleven slushie, but it’s up there”

finishing your food and laying in the van for another hour bc you just loved each other’s company

but after sitting together alone for so long, you felt like there was something left to do, what was it?

you and rodrick were moving around a bunch and ended up next to each other sitting against the wall of the van

you looked over at each other and hesitated before leaning in to kiss

and you guys kissed for a while

okay, so, you made out on the floor of his van with led zeppelin playing in the background

✨magical✨

it wasn’t awkward or anything, just long overdue

okay it was a little awkward actually

“well, that was” *clears throat* “that was cool or whatever”

“yeah...wanna do it again?”

“oh, for sure”

not like it was a surprise to anyone when you announced you were FINALLY dating

“wait, you guys just started dating? i thought you’d been together for like, at least 5 years” -mr. heffley

“this is great! obviously, we’ll need to set up some boundaries so that everyone is comfortable and safe, but yay for young love!” -mrs. heffley

“gross” -greg

mrs. heffley wrote a column in the newspaper about you titled “my teenage son’s fantastic significant other”

not much changed after you and rodrick got together, just kissing, “i love you’s” and more teasing from friends and school faculty

“we were all rooting for you two, actually!” -the teachers

summer vacation with him

it was always SWEET

going to the pool together, he’d usually lay out on the chairs with you but you were able to drag him into the pool a few times

“come onnnn, it’ll be funnnn”

“you’re lucky you’re cute”

hugs from behind!!! kisses on the top of ur head!!!!

PROM AH HAH HAH

seeing rodrick in a tux was too funny for you, you almost couldn’t stop laughing (especially at the eyeliner he insisted on wearing)

but he just couldn’t stop staring at you

“rodrick!”

“what?! you’re stunning!”

honestly, prom wasn’t all it was cracked up to be

you danced like maniacs for a few songs and ended up ditching early on

but you did end up renting a bunch of movies and getting tonssss of snacks and changing into pajamas as soon as you got to his house

im talking popcorn, candy bars, ice cream, cans of pop, chips, chicken nuggets and so on

and also passing out on each other

“i think i love you a little more, i didn’t know that was possible”

“i have that effect on people”

he makes u breakfast before his mom gets the chance though

“pancakes? for me?”

“i put chocolate chips in them too, you’re gonna love them”

(they were a lil bit burned, still good tho)

you guys really did just spot on get each other

okay but i know you also roast each other sometimes so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

relationship goals, honestly

fresh outta ideas 🤠 goodnight

[jade-parcels]

This id absolutely not related to anything on the blog rn but I thought you would find this funny so:

I am having a furniture breaking crisis. Not like 'oh everything is shit quality' no. My dummy thicc ass keeps fuvking breaking my shit. Last week, The FUCKING TOILET SEAT LID (once you post this I will reblog with picture bcus OMG, it litterly just, shattered). And then just now, the fucking BED LATTICE BS. I just sat down heard a fucking crack. My ass is too fucking powerful for this world Istmfg.

Anyway hope yall can use this as a moment to cheer yall up, cus honestly this is just become common place in ky life with the bs I go through. The amount of times my friends have said to me 'this is litterly smth that could only happen to you" is infinite.....

Bye cause I’ve also broken a toilet lid at A HOTEL!!! AT A FUCKING HOTEL!!!!!! 😭😭😭 we have to stick together man 😞

[the-terminal-show]

I had an x tremely non necessary & on the nose graphic dream as punishment for what my brain perceived as me 'slipping up'. hey I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING. Juuuust a bit..why not use 10kHD ganbreeder processing for something fun instead??? Subconscious be like +straps you 2 the clockwork orange chair+....thanks.. 4 that..This is why teeQla is forbidden.

rare content advisory: my subconscious is militantly straight3dge & s@.distic towards me (probably justifiably in self preservation) and took 'brain+wash' too literally. I rate this hard R on g0re/traumá compared 2 my usual cheeky/comedically violent dream logs (not that anyone reads these lmao)

it started out a real close up on some guy's face shot like a movie scene but he was kinda crying & making strange expressions, almost lewdlike whimpering but then blood pooled down his face and from his mouth too, his eyes went a little slack but he was kinda laugh crying still and twitching.

That kept looping repeatedly but by the 5th or 6th time the camera had panned out some and you could just see a thick metal rod undulating in n' out the top of his head slowly, his facial performance changed each time but he never died, just that sickening half lobotomized indecipherable anguish and pleading over and over while he drooled blood onto himself. Sometimes the rod would speed up, honestly too sh2 fuvked up ero wall hole+cylinder-esque for my liking.

By the 10th or w/e time suddenly there were multiple scenes of different people, but all behaving the same, they also started out zoomed in, and a couple were making a weird crunchy whisking sound. Eventually the camera would pan over all the scenes as they were stacked ontop of eachother like a film roll, zoomed out but still fullscreen size. Some of the people had been skull capped and there was a metal bristled toilet scrubber in place of the rod, it was moving so slowly all the bristles were getting caught on cracks in the sloppy bone breaks & that's why it was crunchy sounding. Some of them had a chunky slurry spilling over the edge & just like the metal rod the brush would sometimes speed up or twist around violently especially if they whined or thrashed around more. Others still had the metal rod but it was covered in blood 2-3 ft up and meaty casing when it came up as if it'd reached their hearts & perfectly sheathed inside the aortic wall degloving it on the way back out.

A la dream logic none of them could die, only feel everything even with barely only a cup of putty left for a brain but i was still forced to look at their eyes lolling around even when I tried to go do something else multiple times. It wasn't as if they could see me, they were begging nobody for release. And once I finally got nauseated enough to be forcibly woken up any time i tried to close my eyes again i'd see flashes of worse things i don't even want to log, similar to 2 weeks ago which went in2 my top 10 worst dreams since being five to present day and is definitely not being logged ever.

asshole, going 2 lobotomize myself for a new subconscious

[pudding-head-kenma]

Uhg I'm so annoyed

I have a group project that is due on Monday and it's a BIG project and we still have to prepare all of our oral presentation plus a power point plus finish somethings and we're 3 , we agreed to meet via zoom this Monday one of them couldn't because she was tired ... and tomorrow afternoon (it's her who chose because Mrs doesn't want to work on week end like fine okay ) but she just told us that she can't tomorrow afternoon but that she can tomorrow morning after her class but only one hour???? Like wodnekd

How are we supposed to do everything in 1 hour??? The teacher grade like a bitch and I swear if I fail this subject imma throw hands ...

Oh the project counts for 3/4 of our final grade 🙃 and it's graded mostly as a group of fuvking course

that’s terrible i’m so sorry ): 

there are always some people who just don’t do any of the work and get the grade

if you and the other person can somehow get together and do most of the work yourselves, i’d advise doing that and telling your teacher the situation about the other partner

i know that could be seen as “mean” but honestly? don’t  let people take credit for your work because they know damn well they’re not gonna do much of the project in 1 hour

they’re probably expecting lines for the oral presentation too, don’t play into them baby

good luck with the project )): if i can somehow help let me know

[mika-shion]

Can I just fucking have a boy to kiss n cuddle rn?!

[brxkenoutlaw]

My Ocs story summarized -

So uh- my oc. Renae Bailey Oakley. I like to think I made her a in depth character, since I’ve been working on her story for a year now, and building who she is.

Anyways, so Renae was brought up in Canada, living with her mother, father, and big brother Luke (he’s exactly 10 years older than her). The two kids were brought up well, they have good manners and both are disciplined. Renae’s father Michael really wasn’t around too much, since he was gang affiliated, but it didn’t stop him from sneaking away a few days at a time, bringing her mother money and food and now and again to last them till the last time he was able to see them. Renae doesn’t remember too much of him not being around and all, but her brother does. By the time Renae was five years old her brother was taken from their home and put forced into the army, the whole thing had Renae practically traumatized, not knowing if she’d see him ever again. His departure of the little family was something she really never got over.

Fast forward four years later, when Renae is nine years of age, things were ..still a bit off. Michael not being around too much, and when he was it was brief. It was a hello, here’s some money, food, and a goodbye hug until the next week or longer. There was a day where Renae was outside playing with her husky, the family dog they called Shasta. In the midst of running around with the dog Renae noticed that a group of rugged men on horses were approaching their home at an alarming rate, to which her mother called her inside, and to be fast. Renae obviously listened to her mother, but was panicking because she sensed the uneasiness within her home, to confirm the anxiety the group of men had forced themselves into their home with guns drawn and they started looting the house, stripping it clean of any valuables and or money. Renae’s father took her outside and set her down on a horse, saying his hasty goodbyes and told her to get out and not look back. With that he made the horse flee, and unfortunately, she watched her parents both take a bullet.

Exactly one week after that incident, Renae was roaming around in a town she had no clue of the name. She had no idea where she was. Who anyone was, where to go or who to speak to. All she knew was that her parents were gone and she now had nothing. She’s in deep thought as she bumps into a man, and that man happens to be a young Dutch Van Der Linde. He honestly freaked Renae out, because he looked like the same men who took everything she had from her. He asked her for her name, and why she was alone, to which she replied with her name and explained how her parents had been gunned down and her home was looted clean. He then takes her in under his wing, bringing her back to his gang, a new family and a new chapter for Renae. It took her a while to open up to the group too, the only ones she truly even bothered speaking to at first were dutch, Grimshaw, and Hosea. Later on it was Arthur then John.

Another fast forward- 😂 by the time Renae is at her early twenties. Probably like - 19, She has a lot of built up guilt and anger at the gang who killed her parents. She wants whoever pulled that trigger dead. And she |Will| make sure of that. With that being said, at the age of about 19 she goes out on a man hunt. For the leader of that gang, or who she was told was the leader. She sets out, goes to his last stated location. She gets past his guards forcefully and goes straight to his cabin; and to make it short, she beats the everliving fuvk out of him. And kills him, then leaves prettymuch. Then a year later, after Renae had been hunting down gang members and holding them hostage, beating and starving them, basically torturing them until she was given details on who pulled that trigger, she finds him. Elias Greene. That’s her target. She goes on a few day hunt for him, a watch tower up in the grizzlies was where he was staying. Fortunately for Renae he was up there alone since he figured no one would travel that far for him especially in a known bear infested territory. Only one willing to go up there was Renae, even though she had been attacked by a bear at 18. (It’s another story for another time lmfao) anyways , carrying on, Renae goes up there. Kicks the goddAmn door in and confronts him. To which he gets a bit cocky and mouths off which really Renae doesn’t take lightly off, and she hits him first. To keep it short and sweet Renae beats him pretty good but he gets Renae from behind and holds her in a headlock type of thing and (GORE WARNING?) he slits her throat. And with her adrenaline going she frees herself and throws him to the ground and plants a bullet between his eyes, then makes a gOddamn b line for her horse to get help.

She avenges her parents, and gains a scar across her neck for that chapter of her life.

Anyways I tried to write this the best I could. :”) hope y’all like her story

[nc-ty]

11 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @hydranoel (thank you! ily💟☄💖💓💗☄)

Rules:

1. Post the rules

2. Answer the questions given to you by the tagger.

3. Write 11 questions of your own

4. Tag 11 people

My Answers:

1. We are watching a movie together and you’re choosing, so what movie are we watching?

this is so hard slkajsdmvckjn my favourite movie is Peter Pan (2003) but I prefer watching comedies with friends sooo probably some 2 star comedy on Netflix (nothing specific.. just a shitty comedy movie lol) OR if you like musicals then Grease.. and I’ve been wanting to watch the new Kingsman movie but I haven’t had the time so that’d also be nice.. (why do I make answers so complicated wow)

2.You’re in an zombie apocalypse with your bias, so tell me how screwed are you?

honestly the fact that I’m with my bias is entirely irrelevant because I’m killing myself immediately. I have such a phobia of zombies I literally wouldn’t even try so I am 100% screwed and he (the mysterious he, idk who my bias is but he’s screwed anyway) is completely on his own lmao

3.You have to make dinner for your bias group, what are you making?

oooo I can’t really cook so probably spaghetti and meatballs with a tomato sauce or chicken fajitas because those are the only things I can make lol, I think they’d like it though 

4.If you were to have any super power in the world what would it be?

hmm this is hard, maybe invisibility? or possibly the ability to read minds but only by my choice like I wouldn’t just wanna be hearing people’s thoughts all the time.. or teleportation bc i’d just go to random countries for daytrips and then come home to my bed so it wouldn’t cost any money! I think teleportation probably, mind reading would give me too much power

5. You and your bias have to enter a haunted house together, what happens (are they protecting you, you protecting them, both scared shitless, or just laughing at the costumes?)

I think we’re both gonna be scared shitless but he might be more scared than me and then I’d end up laughing at him and then he might see the funny side and we’d end up in a mixture of terror and laughter 

6. Are you a beach person or a mountain person?

beach beach beach ebcahec ahebcabhaeb I fuvking love the beach I wanna live on a beach

7. What has been your recent favorite show or book? (I’m looking for new things to watch or read haha)

hmm my favourite show (not recent but still airing) is the 100 (controversial I know but I love it) and in terms of kdramas the most recent one I watched was Goblin and I loved it!! also a new drama with Lee Jong Suk in it called While You Were Sleeping is currently airing and it sounds amazing so I’m planning on watching that soon (gonna wait for episodes to build up so I can binge lol).. my favourite book recently was the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown (10/10 would recommend but is also not recent, just new to me).. sorry this wasn’t v helpful, I haven’t had a lot of time for reading or watching shows recently

8. Your trapped in the last show/book you watch/read, how screwed are you?

well the last show I watched was x factor and that’s pretty gross and I’m tone deaf so I really don’t wanna be trapped in the x factor.. I’m screwed, another situation that calls for me to kill myself, it’s almost worse than a zombie apocalypse

9. Are you a coffee or tea kind of person?

neither I hate them both but I love the smell of coffee

10. What’s a song you have been listening to lately?

here have a list of songs that don’t match and that you didn’t ask for

Hearts Don’t Break Around Here - Ed Sheeran

Subeme La Radio - Enrique Iglesias

Blue Jeans - Lana Del Rey

MIC Drop - BTS

I Would - Day6

Don’t Flirt - Winner

Secret - Bobby ft DK and Katie

I Like It - CLC

My I - Seventeen (Jun and The8)

11. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?

the beach, specifically in Carvoeiro in Portugal (everyone please keep Portugal in your thoughts atm) and it would preferably be early-to-mid July

My Questions:

1. Which kpop artists do you like? (I feel like I actually don’t know this about most people which is strange hahaha like obviously I know your main group but not the whole list!)

2. How was your day today?

3. Do you enjoy camping or is it your idea of hell? 

4. What’s your favourite Disney movie? or just movie if you don’t like Disney for some reason :/

5. If you could speak to animals for a day which animal would you want to speak to and what would you say? (this is a weird question ik)

6. Do you have any hobbies that you love? What are they?

7. What’s your favourite book?

8. Tell me about your favourite outfit pls (pics would be cute if you want!!) and if you don’t have a fave outfit then.. what do your pyjamas look like??

9. Rant about something that pisses you off (I love listening to people rant)

10. You’re trapped on a deserted island and you can bring one kpop idol with you.. who do you bring? 

11. If you had a week to do whatever you wanted with unlimited money and no responsibilities, how would you spend your time?

I tag @jeno-jeyes @kpopmainlizzy @cherry-ten @ytsgf @jaetennys @jjhyunct @reikojinxx and @spookyjaems 💖💖

[mywildloves]

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better about yesterday. I thought about it a lot last night and it made me really sad. In August I would have been there 10 years. After I had Jackson though, my work environment became toxic and Im glad I dont have to go back. The stress of having to be 100% perfect or I get written up was too much to mentally deal with. Plus the rush commute to get to therapy twice a week. I had to constantly battle my boss over what little PTO I had and constantly remind him that going to therapy twice a week eats it up. There was nothing I could do, yet he still fuvked with me. Thats all over now, and honestly it's a relief. A huge weight of stress lifted off of me. I feel good. There are a lot of things to take care of now, to lessen the financial burden of me only getting unemployment until I find a new job. I'll be home so now I can do our laundry at some random time during the week when no one is there instead of having it done and spending lots of money. I can go grocery shopping during the day, so there's no more weekend rush to take care of it all during the weekend so we can at least have a day to unwind from the week. I'll actually be able make vegetable puree to sneak into turkey burgers and meatballs, and cook! We had to do a lot of take-out while we were both working. Im gonna take a week to decompress. I havent had a vacation in years because of maternity leave and then all of the therapy that came after, plus my hospitalizations. I was never able to build time to take a vacation. So Im gonna. For one week. I'll keep a eye out for positions opening up, but Im not going to start the crazy job search until Im feeling better and calmer. I think a week playing with the boys and resting, lots of sleep, is what I NEED. So it's not all bad. I will find a new job. Ive got lots of experience to bring to the table; authorships, a cover photo, my cold wave imaging innovation... Plus almost 10 years experience. Im also toying with the idea of getting a Masters degree... there's a lot to think about. But, I've got time. Not a ton of time, but time.

[macamellow]

skedaddle

[doctordeadzone]

Fffuckijhbschool is fucking tryna kill me

[babsaros]

Im screamin I've literally been coming in at the same time for over a year but now they're telling me that my attendance is wrong bc apparently the time i come in is late im screaming this isn't even my fucking fault lol even if i rode the bus i would get here at the same time my mom drops me off im gonna fight the whole system im so mad im sad

[oddful]

i’ve had at least 4 people tell me my personality has changed this year but hear this okay .. 2019? my only worry was to save money for my LA trip & in 2020 a lot changed A LOT...

In 2020, i had to start applying for school bc the A level thjng didn’t work out so i applied for an art school..an art school ... the course i wanted required me to build up a portfolio AND write in an essay .. fuck my life it was so difficult at that point no one was talking to me i was gg thru some emotional turmoil & had strained my friendship with everyone which i soon apologised to everyone and we moved forward ... god building a portfolio the fuck 10 prep boards in 2 weeks? + an essay? dude one piece not ONE BOARD one piece alrdy took me like 3 hrs and this is w/o the PLANNING BTW ... imagine at that time i wasn’t talking to anyone and no one to encourage me not that i should be expecting that but ... u catch my drift? it was so difficult like sophia stopped talking to me & he also fully left me on read for an entire month? how can i not overthink where i went wrong? how i can i not overthink when he went out w other girls n shid & im here like what t fuvk???

aside from that .. in march we found out my job was closing down ... amidst the pandemic .... where everyone now is cutting cost & they’re letting people go .... ya’ll ... i support myself the fuck i pay my own bills buy my own shit imagine what t fuck was going thru my mind at that point???? I HAD SCH TO WORRY ABT NOW I HAD A JOB CRISIS IM RLY LIKE WHAT T FUCK????? where am i gonna get a job i’m like syaz relax it’s not the end of the world you’ll get thru it just be optimistic about it yknow?

listen.. sch & a job ... these r factors i have no control over yknow? it’s not one of those problems where i’m like “ah fuck i’m so fat” & it’s within my limit to go change like just go on a diet & exercise yknow? sch & work these are EXTERNAL FACTORS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ITS LIKE EVEN MORE STRRSSFUL THESE ARE NOT MINOR SETBACKS THESE ARE MAJOR SETBACKS DO PEOPLE UNDERSTAND? Major setbacks that will shape my future.... and now i was gg thru 2 major things - am i gg to sch? am i gg to have a job? what am i gonna do?

you can’t expect me to be the same jovial little syaz everyone knew the chill syaz not a worry in the world looking syaz i was just great at concealing my emotions it was only this year it was so fucking unfortunate that my 2016 episode returned bc IT WAS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. While i’m alrdy at it, don’t be a fucking idiot & tell people “i’m always here if you wanna talk” & then go around being like “i’m not your fucking therapist” like relax? i’m not asking u to solve my shit? just listen to me and give me a little it’s okay syaz it’s not difficult no? Like i’ve never asked anyone to ‘feel’ for me or whatever it’s JUST LIKE ???????? THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO GOT ME OUT OF MY SHELL TO TALK ABT MY PROBELMS AND THEN THEY’re like “UHH ITS TOO OVERWHELMING” THEN I STOP TALKING ABT MY PROEBKMS THEN ITS “ WHY DONT U TELL ME ANYTHJBG” CAN I EVRR FUCKING WIN AT THIS POINT?????

ONE THING PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO STAY THE SAME WHILE JUGGLING TWO MAJOR SSTBACKS OH GOD THREE BC WHEN MY HELPER HAD TO GO HOME I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS HOW DO U expect ME TO BE THR SAME HAPPY SYAZ WHILR JUGHLING ALL YHESE??? ITS LIKE HOW CSN I JUST THINK OF GAMES AND YOUTUBE VIDEOS AND MEMES ALL THR FUCKING TIME R U SCTUALLY OKAY??? U THINK I HAVE NO PROBELMS??? i’m so tired eh like i’m never confiding in anyone anymore idk

i am not gonna play victim here bc i do suppress all my anger n sadness bc of my whole mindset to be a femme fatale lil strong bitch & when i’m at my peak whoever gets it will get vomited on by me. Bc i’m helping my friends with their shit then i’m overwhelmed when i csnt help them then it’s either S or R who has to deal w my shit and i truly am so sorry that i did that bc the both of ya’ll have told me before that it gets overwhelming when you don’t know how to help me and it s too much to absorb but i m working on it n rly i never wanted them to feel for me or anything it’s just nice to know someone is willing to listen to me yknow? idk i did a lot of things on my end but i’m gna take some time off to really heal bc honestly idt i can emotionally heal from what i heard & just hearing 4 DIFFERENT people tell me i’ve changed is like ... yea guys i know? but w all these gg on how can i not? how can i be the same syaz? jm tryna find the old me i miss her too ... just 3 weeks ago i was telling sophoa that i feel like i’m in the movie insidious .. i miss the old syaz i do & frankly after i got accepted into nafa & got transferred to another store i was starting on my journey to find myself yknow? idk

All in all i am truly sorry for hurting anyone along the way especially thru my emotioanl turmoil .. bye

[disasterforeverafter]

I’m so sick of feeling shitty!!! I’m sick of being up till 8 am and seeing the sun rise before I go to bed!!! I’m sick of feeling like my friends don’t care even though intellectually I know they do!!! Two of my best friends told me they love me not six hours ago and now I’m like “they don’t really care, they’re closer to each other than they are to you, you’re the third wheel and you always will be, if you disappeared it would take weeks for them to notice” and that’s bullshit! I fucking hate being depressed. I’m tempted to do shitty self destructive things all the time and I’m tempted to push people away to see if they’ll stay or go and I’m tempted to just curl up in my bed and stay there. Sometimes the only reason I get out of bed is because I have work. And work is shitty and stressful and hellish hours, hence me staying up till 8 am. Food isn’t appetizing or I gorge. I am not fucking coping because the best thing for me has always been going to bed early and being around people and I’m alone for hours upon hours and up till 8 am. This fucking sucks and there’s still 10 or 11 weeks left of this utter bullshit. I’m dumping this on tumblr cuz I can’t fucking ask for help to save my fuvking life but this is a step up from not doing anything. I hate how exhausting it is to just fucking fight self destructive urges. I’m having nightmares all the time. I’m considering dropping off the map for a week or more, just to see how long it takes for someone to notice. But guess what? No one will!!! I hold up a majority of my friendships with my effort alone and it’s exhausting. I always feel like I care more than the other person. I can usually prove it which makes it worse. I just want someone to give a fuck and put in some fucking effort and of course everything feels worse at 5 am but I still feel this to a lesser extent when it’s normal person hours. This is just a fucking block of text cuz honestly my tumblr personal posts are just diary posts to get my feelings off my chest but I’m an attention seeking bitch who just wants people to see I’m fucking struggling. I want to relapse so fucking badly. I keep trying to like justify it to myself. I cry like every fucking day over it. I’m no fucking more recovered when it comes to that than I was the first day I stopped. My scars fading fucks me up!!!!!!!!! I always felt like my scars were proof that I wasn’t faking. And they’re going away so what proof do I have to myself and to others? Does my suicide “attempt” even count? Or does Ian calling and talking me down make it null and void? Do I have to remember something well for it to fuck me up or is the bare flashes of holding my breath under the water and staring at the ceiling and finding myself gasping for breath on the bathroom floor... is that enough? Does it count? Does my pain count? Does it even fucking matter? And my amazing college friends ignore me in the group chat and who’s even conscious at 5 am that I can ask for help? And what does help even entail? Does talking about my feelings even make it better? I think my friends could all individually come up to me and say “hey, I really care about you” and I’d still think no one gives a fuck about me. I wish people could read minds so I didn’t have to ask for support to get support. If you read all that... wow. Go you. Hope I didn’t upset you