#honestly the text choice you have is sometimes so funny and so accurate I LOVE ALL OF THE CHOICES SOMETIMES

[theholypeanut]

My ass binge played Date with death yesterday night and I had way better time than I expected: this game is so funny, the dialogue is so well made and I was laughing constantly, it was such a bliss to play

[inventors-fair]

Word on the Street: P&C Runners-up ~

Our runners-up this week are @curiooftheheart​, @deg99, and @shakeszx!

@curiooftheheart​ — Traumatic Flashbacks

Honestly, this is one of those times where the art direction might be a little too much, or at least it would have to be done in a specific way, because wow, this name is on the nose. Good incorporation, though, I like it. The madness is an interesting touch; I wonder what UB Madness would look like as an archetype somewhere? It was done...kind of in SOI but Madness was kind of available everywhere because of delirium and whatnot. No matter, still a lot of fun things to take into account. This having to be pretty much a one-of because it’s kinda impossible to recur for value is a bit of an interesting choice, actually. I wonder what the rest of the set would look like.

And you know what, because there needs to be a second paragraph, I think that the only part that could have potentially edged this up into a winner’s seat would have been either a super-strong line of flavor text or a super-strong art direction. Aside from that, I mean, no notes, it’s clean and it’s interesting. Perhaps the name being so on-the-nose with a contemporary notion is what could guide it towards the viewer (or, I mean, me the judge) asking about the more specific side of things. Specificities drive intrigue. You feel me?

@deg99 — Spectacle Fighter

Spectacle and Fight, heh, I feel you. Clever clever clever. Now, I wanna go over the good of this card, and that’s that you really put the brakes where the needed to go. Like, good lord, in some kind of right Commander build, this card is busted open like a fault line, but in a draft environment, when you pull this you better believe you’re getting value out of it. It’s gonna make them bleed, or at least it better if it’s gonna perform. I love the trample here and how much that impacts the board. The art’s a little squished for me, personally, but you mentioned how you like it, and you know what? This character’s got character for me. They’re a pugilist, they’re gonna smack down. I feel what you want to convey.

Elephant in the room time: “create a X treasure tokens.” As I mentioned in the winners, gotta capitalize Treasures in rules text, and that little grammatical issue is one of those bop-you-on-the-noggin-with-a-newspaper moments that’s less of a genuine critique and more of a jocular reminder to proofread. The card’s strong and impactful and I wonder if that’s actually biasing me a little towards cards that stand out on their own in these contests sometimes. I’mma have to consider that for the next contest. Still, no matter. We’ve got a whole long road ahead, filled with fists, and hopefully less grammatical errors.

@shakeszx — Spell Mastery

“...okay, here’s what I’ll say about that card, here’s my critique there, here’s some wording there, here’s—wait. That’s really funny.” And so, my thought process brought me back to this card, because it really IS kind of funny! Not necessarily the flavor text, but the card itself. It’s perfect little gem that makes me wonder if it can be infinite’d. Hm... It would take a little bit, but I think that this plus Inexorable Tide shenanigans would be absolutely delightful, as the Tide always is. As a limited card, I’m certain that it would shape gameplay, and also that it would be absolutely unplayable. It’s so neat, though, and hell yeah cantrip central! In constructed formats, though... I wonder if UB Storm brews would have fun with it. Getting to basically copy every fourth spell with cantrip after cantrip would add a touch more consistency. T1, land, T2, Baral, T3, this, T4, more guaranteed win. Hm! Curious.

I’m getting ahead of myself. The flavor text is a bit of a sticking point for me, honestly. I don’t think that the goblins of Ravnica are necessarily smart, but they’re smarter than most, and they’ve displayed the ability to write accurately like on GRN’s Goblin Electromancer and in general, they’re a bit more scientific, even when they’re doing dumb stuff. Why make a boom? Izzet mages are better than that! Or at least, that’s how I feel about how this card should have angled; I’m not sure what the point is of turning them into pretty generic goblin-y things, y’know? Still, the card’s fun, and the flavor text is still fun in its own way. Count that for what you wanna.

Commentary up as soon as I’m done with it! @abelzumi​

[iaintyourbro]

Hey I just wanted to make a statement many fans worried about the LTD but as someone who watched and read many animes/mangas with LT genre as a main theme in every of these works the LT end up at the last episode or chapter but with FF7 if it was a main theme to the game why did it end in disc 1 why didn't it end at the last disc despite the OG having 3discs it should have been the climex of the game but it didn't because it isn't important what important is C real identity that the real theme .

Hey anon.

AGREED. The love triangle was meant to enhance the illusion aspect of Cloud’s issue. 

They game even tells us he created an illusion of himself. SOLDIER Cloud was meant to waver between the two women... I do think people make this a bigger thing than it actually was. I’d say, for me, it’s a very small aspect of his personality struggles. I do find it interesting in Remake they took the wavering aspect out. 

I’m of the opinion that Cloud didn’t do anything obvious to waver or attempt anything with EITHER girl. I think he had a thing for both of them, I don’t think as SOLDIER Cloud it was a deep thing. I think his desire was mostly to be a hero and save the damsel in distress. What’s funny is, neither of them really were damsels in distress...

Aerith in OG actually gets pissed at him for saying something like “I’m not gonna let a girl help me.” She pretty much is like “lol buddy okay you’re dumb.” Tifa just is Tifa and can kick all the ass - even in OG. The romance in FFVII OG to me wasn’t really a thing. Even all the GS dates were kind of weird. Aerith’s hints heavily that Cloud isn’t Cloud. Then you get this confirmed later and start unraveling the illusion and are in a state of “WTF IS GOING ON!” At least that was me.

This is the first time I remember going oh shit, what? The one thing in OG that they missed was building up his relationship with Tifa up to this point. The focus was to get the player attached to Aerith, so Midgar was focused on that, and then if you get her as a date option for the GS, that’s your next time. Personally, I never got attached to Aerith in OG because I didn’t like how she was. Remake Aerith is amazing and hilarious. 

I am not a fan of love triangles. FFIV had one, but it was obvious that Rosa had already chosen Cecil to me - so it wasn’t a huge thing. FFVII’s love triangle was vague and almost felt forced at times.

The only reason I honestly knew there was a love triangle was because of the user booklet that came with a game and what it said under Aerith’s description. 

The prison scene was always nasty to me because of course Tifa is like wtf. Aerith is like why are you and Cloud in the same cell? Cloud is like “I have no idea what’s going on.” Cuz he was oblivious - he had no idea that these two were in a “rivalry” over his affections... And honestly only Aerith really shows effort to me. Tifa isn’t confrontational, so isn’t going to do anything. Cloud doesn’t make an effort either way. 

This is another scene where you’re like wow okay. I mean, the whole Lifestream is like that, honestly. You’ve been playing this game and suddenly find out the guy you were playing with wasn’t actually who you thought he was. He’s a dork who never made it into SOLDIER and has somewhat of an obsession with this girl, Tifa, who you may or may not have even paid attention to the first part of the game. 

They make sure to leave up the “...I was devastated. ...I wanted to be noticed.” I took this screenshot out of my four up there cuz I didn’t have room and since they left the text up, but the kid was desperate to get her to notice him. To prove himself to her (and I assume her father). 

I mean, this is an accurate representation of his head when you go into it. The Nibelheim incident includes some memories of Zack and Sephiroth, but Tifa is also over there. I do think in Remake they will expand on this scene and show more about his mother, maybe his father, some other stuff that happened in his childhood, expand on the Mt. Nibel incident, and I think the CC elements of the Nibelheim incident will also come into play for the final part of this sequence once he remembers Zack.

To me, once this happens, it was clear that Cloud was in love with Tifa. That the first part of the game was an illusion, so I didn’t really think much else about it. Then I found out about all the fighting and I’m like... “Why though?” 

Real Cloud was all about Tifa and still was after he’s back. I felt no wavering after that point. Aerith dies, it’s permanent. It’s supposed to be realistic. Dead people don’t come back in real life, no matter how badly we want them to and no matter how many tissues we use to mourn for them. 

I do NOT think the love triangle was supposed to be a main theme OR stick has hard as it did. I think the fans did that, and now with Remake they’re clearing it up so... HOPEFULLY... it’s done. 

I think it’s a shame, because my best memories of FFVII as a teen weren’t the romance (cuz it was like non-existent) but Cloud revealing who he was, Vincent (of course), killing Hojo, the Northern Crater and the Lifestream, the discourse between Cloud and Barret... It wasn’t thinking about who Cloud liked more when he was SOLDIER Cloud. 

People I’ve talked to in real life who played the OG feel the same way. They didn’t even know this was up for debate... and these are casual players, so they didn’t play/watch CC or DoC and maybe the watched AC back in the day, but it didn’t seem to change their opinion. The only time I’ve seen people staunchly saying that it was player choice are those that couldn’t accept the fact that it WAS part of the illusion. And I’ve only ever seen it online. 

For people who actually played remake, nobody even thinks Aerith was a love interest (this is especially true for new fans that did not play OG). And I can tell you, the only people in real life that know I’m a shipper are my husband and my sister. The rest of the people I talk to don’t, because most of them are my co-workers and they don’t need to know this crazy fandom side of me. 

I think with the death of the LTD in Remake, it just opens things up for more interesting subjects regarding the entire cast. It makes Aerith much more lovable because she doesn’t seem to only give a shit about Cloud like she did in OG. I’m sure she won’t be so nasty to Barret when they go to Corel - I’d be shocked if they leave that in. I’m sure she’s not going to ask for a fortune from Cait Sith, and I’m sure she probably won’t even ask Cloud to go out at the GS. 

So that’s my thoughts...

In closing (long closing), I also think it does somewhat of a disservice for us to obsess over who Cloud liked more when he was SOLDIER Cloud. Both women are powerful on their own. They don’t need no man. I think sometimes when we get too extreme into this discussion, we almost feel like we’re defending these women to say because Cloud loves her more, she’s more important. That’s not the case, in my mind. Aerith is important because she’s Aerith. Whether Cloud loves her or not doesn’t impact her importance to the plot.

Same with Tifa. Now, Tifa’s role IS to be by Cloud’s side and ultimately save his life (multiple times). However, Tifa herself COULD function without Cloud. Cloud cannot function without Tifa prior to getting himself back in the Lifestream. If he falls into the Lifestream and there’s no Tifa, that’s pretty much it for him. 

In Cloud’s case, we can get to a point where it’s like he cares about nothing else except women, which we know is far from the truth. Cloud doesn’t seem to say much at all about women or dating in OG - in Remake they do some stuff with Wall Market and him acting like he knows what he’s doing (he doesn’t), but they have him acting like at typical arrogant teen. He’s an awkward dude, and it’s adorable, and it’s not that he’s blind. He obviously is attracted to Tifa early on. If you get Aerith’s red dress he stumbles over his words. 

That’s not to say we don’t care about how Cloud feels. We do. Which is why it’s important that we help him get himself back and get him through his complete breakdown. But the bigger focus should be the fact that Cloud isn’t fully Cloud and the romantic implications of that shouldn’t be weighed as heavily as the importance of getting his mind back.

[soulstied-a]

❥❥❥❥❥❥

↳  𝐈𝐧𝐮 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞

   @negotiiator -   I can’t even remember how long ago I followed you, I think you used to follow my old Hank blog? But we definitely started RPing the most when I decided to write Elijah. You have a better memory for my old threads than I do I completely forgot Allen and Connor interfaced before until it was brought up. I also find it funny how like outside Elijah and Connor’s current relationship, like that Arranged Marriage AU, they clash so much but the chemistry in their normal verse is so on point. And yet, they don’t act differently outside their beginning relationship was just as rocky but they sailed over it and I don’t remember what that turning point was.    Okay the actual positivity. Andrew, Connor-mun, is really sweet person which anyone will notice if they spend a few minutes talking to them in the tags. The few times we’ve conversed too they were really kind and I cannot get enough of their Connor. The chemistry between our muses is so incredible and the depth that Connor feels for just everything is in all the little details of their replies. You can truly feel the emotions of the muse and that is the type of stuff I live for. You’re very dedicated to your muse and I can tell you’re passionate about Connor. I do think we should talk more about Hank and Connor’s relationship because they don’t seem to be seeing eye to eye currently and it makes me sad. 

   @phckinglife / @deconstructlife -   So adding you on discord was the best thing I’ve probably ever done lately. It’s a big stress relief to talk to you so much about Gavin and Henry, I really want to talk more about Cayden and Allen too I think there is something there if they get a chance to work stuff out. But, when I get to peek at our messages while I’m at work and reply I get really happy and it’s just a few seconds between all the chaos I’m currently experiencing that really helps my stress and I can’t thank you enough for just reaching out and being so patient with me. I know I’m erratic with activity and the replies. I owe you so much and instead of getting to it I send you more asks LMAO. I’m glad that doesn’t bother you too!    I haven’t interacted with many Gavin’s, which I do find odd since the fandom says there is a lot I can only list a few off the top of my head, but from what I remember in the game and I’ve watched a lot of people play it since my run, you do appear to have him spot on. The temper and yet the self-hatred at that temper seems really accurate. My Grandfather used to be a lot like Gavin, he had that unrelenting anger and when he tried to apologize he’d still hurt you in the process of doing it and struggle with finding a way to make up for it without actually saying “I’m sorry”. It’s definitely a struggle that I think Gavin can overcome and the way you write him working on that really is easy to read how much of a struggle that alone is for him.    As for Cayden I don’t think I completely understand his personality which isn’t a bad thing! I think it works well for his character. We only get .2 seconds of him in the game and he stands there all creepy and stone like. There is no wrong way to do his character in my opinion and I think I like that I don’t completely get  a read on him. It definitely makes it more interesting to explore threads with him and try to understand him. It also makes Allen’s fear of him stronger. 

   @deviatiions -   I worry for your Connor’s sense of judgement as he clearly has a problem with thinking things through, and Allen backs this up with increased worry as Connor decides it’s fine to take the non-combat unit on calls. We’ve only started really writing recently and talking about Henry calling Connor at 3 am for sex talks about Gavin, and though most of our talks seem about the most stupid of shit I’ve had a lot of fun with the plots we’ve thrown around so far. You’re a really bubbly person and completely fuel all the other shit that goes on with Gavin. I just imagine you and Connor sitting there pointing at the two fucking idiots going “Should we tell him he’s a moron?”.    I really want his and Allen’s relationship to go further, I think as friends they have a lot of potential and I really want Connor to have more friends. Imagining them going shopping and Connor trying to tell Allen he can wear something other than his DPD Uniform and picking out button up shirts together is completely a wish of mine and Elijah just sitting in the back texting his work computer while sneaking pictures of Connor--it’s fantastic I have an entire vision let me have it YOU HAVE MY DISCORD.

   @jericholeader -    You are the only Markus I write with currently and the only one I actively see on my dash, so when I make those headcanons for Elijah and Markus I completely have your blog in mind. You write Markus so well that it’s actually pretty impressive. Like sometimes I feel like I really nail down Hank and Elijah but you write Markus so well that it’s as if you’re constantly watching the game through just to make sure you do. From his personality to his choice of words I can really feel the character you do an incredibly job I can’t say it enough. I hope you stick around in the fandom because you really are a gem to interact with and I want to explore Elijah and Markus’ relationship. Allen too that one thread that questions Markus’ commitment to the Androids, the depth of which he’d go and believe them, I think it can really open some character development for the both of them.    It’s interesting to see Markus doubt himself, doubt his over belief in his own people. Not to mention the outfall of all of that, when the other Androids realize that another was killing their kind and Markus helped arrest them? I think it’ll give him a deeper insight into what Connor feels and the emotion turnaround it will cause on him. How you play that I really want to see. All your threads are interesting and I like fucking with Markus’ head since you have such an understanding of his character.

   @trustinginthelight -   I know I’ve only interacted with Carl and I’ve already gushed about him but I’m gonna do it again. Carl is a very underappreciated character in the game much like Elijah and I hate that DC left out so much of their relationship and 90% of it is simply hinted at and left up to interpretation. From what we do know of Carl though and especially of his relationship with Elijah I believe you have such a grasp on his character that it’s impressive and beautiful. That headcanon you write on him before everything I can honestly see actually happening in the game. Not to mention that bullheaded and bit temperamental personality he is is exactly the type of person that could put up with Elijah and fight through to keep that friendship.    You write him so incredibly and so wonderfully that I am so thankful you picked the character up. Not everyone would write Carl, because he’s not young and capable of being shipped with others so the fact you do and you write him so well honestly, it makes me so happy. Because I get to explore that wonderful relationship that Elijah gets to have with his one friend. If you write the rest of your muses as well as you do Carl I wouldn’t be surprised, I really love your writing! 

   @rcprobate -   I OWE YOU SO MANY MESSAGES. Your one of those people that I look at what you send me, get squirmy over the fanart of Hank and Connor and THEN FORGET TO REPLY. But you’re so patient with me and I appreciate that and I really do love plotting with you when we get the chance to do it. Thank you so much for putting up with me and role playing with me, I really love everything that we have going on and the fact you ship one of those very rare ships and feel it just as much as I do with me. Your Connor is a real joy to write with, and you yourself are such a pleasure to talk with over what we write.    Also, I think Pigeon Android is by far one of the must random and interesting characters to pick up from the game that anyone can choose. It’s really shows what a unique person you are in a good way to take something so small and seemingly inconsequential from the game and turn it into a full blown person. I really admire the creativity that goes into doing that because you have to look though that one small part of the game so thoroughly to find all the little ques and put it together like a puzzle. I love it and I love the detail that goes into him. 

[onedirectionfanfics]

The Shamrock Social Club by @harryonstage​

Somehow you land a consultation with Harry Styles, one of the most renowned tattoo artists on the west coast. He agrees to design your first tattoo and ink it on you himself, but over the course of your sessions together, mischief ensues… 

This month’s featured story, The Shamrock Social Club, brought together avid Tumblr fic readers and Twitter stans alike in excitement and anticipation for each update. It tells the story of a girl determined to get a tattoo and her wildly attractive tattoo artist, Harry—fondly known as “tattoorry” among readers. Check out our amazing interview with the brilliant author behind this masterpiece below!

***

How long have you been writing for?

God, as long as I can remember. I have memories of being in middle school, feverishly writing stories in my composition notebook when I was supposed to be paying attention to the lesson. I was conjuring up elaborate worlds and characters long before I ever planned on sharing them with anybody—before I even realized what I was doing.

Do you have certain habits or rituals you have to do while writing?

A lot of my followers joke about this, but I do a lot of writing in the bath. I turn off all my notifications and commit not to check my texts for awhile, and I cannot write without a giant warm beverage, usually coffee or rooibos tea with honey. I put rainstorm sounds on my bluetooth speaker. The thesaurus app and google dictionary are open at all times. Also, part of the creative process definitely happens long before I ever actually sit down to write—I’m constantly jotting stuff down in the notes app on my phone if I’m out and about when I think of a line to work into a scene later. I have all these sticky notes with like cryptic, half-baked ideas all over my desk at work… I’ll pick one up and all it says is like “The clicks a skateboard makes rolling down the sidewalk” or “The feeling of having an orange peel beneath your fingernails.” And I refuse to throw them away, even if I have no idea what I was thinking at the time. I think most people who write do that to some degree, though.

The ever famous question: how did you come up with this idea?

Honestly I was on tumblr and saw a collage of women with dragon and snake tattoos. I began thinking about the type of person who would want that symbol on them forever, and why. Minutes later, I wrote that “Tattoo You, 1981” blurb on my masterlist—of course named after the Rolling Stones album released that year—and then that became the preliminary blueprint for what is now The Shamrock Social Club. I literally thought it was going to be a one shot at most, but here we are nearly fifty-two thousand words later.

Throughout your writing in this fic, you show a great deal of knowledge about the process of getting a tattoo. Is this from experience or something you learned from researching?

Both! I have a few tattoos. One of them is a stick-and-poke. It’s been awhile since I got my last one though, so I had to refresh myself on the aftercare process. I called the actual Shamrock Social Club a few times to gauge what a master tattoo artist there would charge for something as large as the snake. I also wanted to be sure it was possible for an artist to fill in a tattoo as they work through the outline the way Harry does in the story. The researching process of a fic writer is so funny to me… I wish my readers could see me alone in my room at 2:00 AM eating dry cereal, deeply invested in a fifteen minute Youtube video comparing different types of tattoo inks.

When does a story go from an idea in your mind to paper? Is there a process you go through before writing it out, or do you just get straight in it?

I have so much respect for the writers who can just like, wing it. I personally need to have a story mapped out in bullet points beginning to end before I even open up a new document on my computer. That way, I get more time to sit with it and meditate on how close to reality it seems, and it helps me finagle the order of events and decide if there’s any room for improvement. Also, if I think of a detail or subplot that’s not in my original outline, it’s easier to pop it in and visualize how it synthetically fits with the story.

In all four parts (51k words), not once do you give a name for the main character or call her ‘Y/N’. Was this a difficult task? What was the reason for it?

This is a hot topic right now in the fan fiction community! Sometimes it’s difficult, but I think it helped make the prose in this story more seamless to read. As someone who has written original characters as well as self-insert fics, I think a strong enough writer can make a character feel personable and unique and real without an elaborate backstory, and I don’t feel that it takes anything integral away from the creative process for me. If you can get an audience to root for a protagonist in a couple of chapters through their choices, dialogue, hopes, and motivations alone, to me that’s a much more successful story… I deeply respect writers who are like “write for yourself, not for others!” but that notion doesn’t really keep me up at night. To me, it’s obvious that I’m writing for myself if I’m writing at all, and I’m very comfortable with that fact. Imagine that you’re in school for creative writing and your professor gives you an exercise with a few simple parameters… it’s a bit like that. I still only write about exactly what I want, but undergoing the challenge of writing for an audience has 100% made me a better, more versatile writer. To me that does not feel like a loss, or a compromise. Plus, I think it’s such an interesting way to engage with a story—you are explicitly the protagonist, actively steering your own trajectory with every choice you make.

Was the character ‘AJ’ inspired by anyone you know in real life, AJ?

Guilty as charged. I do tend to Stan Lee myself and my friends into my fics. Aijia, Iz, Steph, Ellen… all of those characters are based on my actual friends. It started out as a joke—I literally just needed a name for the roommate character, but someone suggested I name her AJ and I was like… why not? I love having fun that costs nothing and hurts nobody! Annie and I wrote ourselves into Under the Same Roof, too.

This fic very delicately tells the story of a girl who’s been sexually abused in the past in some way and is on a determined mission to self-healing. A topic not many will brave, but you did. Why?

This is such a good question. Honestly I was on the fence at first. As I was drafting the first installment, Nobody Fucks with a Snake, I knew I wanted Harry’s character to turn her away from the shop at first before he decided to take a chance on her, but I needed a reason why. Like, I needed him to see a glimmer of something in her, and simply him being attracted to her didn’t feel compelling enough to me. I thought it would be really meaningful and it would raise the stakes a little if Harry saw this like… tenacity and determination in her. One of my favorite scenes in the whole story is that pivotal moment in his office when we see Harry really start to understand the gravity of her predicament and how much this snake means to her. He’s so affected by her vulnerability, and it speaks volumes about both of them.

In the drafting process, I was talking with my friend Tanvi who also writes fic, and she wanted to know if there was some reason why Harry’s character feels such a strong urge to help this young woman, and why he goes to such great lengths to respect consent throughout the story. Like, does he have a loved one who was sexually assaulted? Is this a more personal issue for him? I considered this, but truthfully, I thought this story would be so much more poignant and effective if there like, wasn’t some special reason. Consent is necessary. Sexual assault is inexcusable and wrong. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

What was it like writing on an issue that makes a lot of people uncomfortable (but is still so important)? Did you feel like you had a responsibility to fulfil?

As a writer, it’s an enormous responsibility to parse trauma and heaviness and sorrow in a way that doesn’t glorify the pain, especially if you have a younger audience. Most of my readers are in their twenties, like me. I read something recently about how it’s true that writers shouldn’t cover topics such as sexual trauma, eating disorders, or major depression as to avoid romanticizing any of these terrible, life-altering experiences, but that doesn’t necessarily apply to people who have been through these hardships and turn to art or writing as an outlet.

I have an eating disorder. It’s something I talk about openly on my blog—as an aside, you should definitely browse my recovery tag! Through fic, I’ve written about what it’s like to have an ED. I’ve also used fic to write about having a stalker, and in The Shamrock Social Club, of course I write about the complex relationship one has with sex and romance and dating in the aftermath of being sexually assaulted. I write to focus on the triumphs instead of the pain, and I always try to make these experiences awkward, ugly, and honestly gross when they need to be. Without divulging too much of myself online, I’m well equipped to know what all of those hardships feel like. In fact, I’ve read many stories, fan fiction and novels alike, that portray eating disorders, stalkers, and surviving sexual assault in a really misleading light, and I wanted to create something I felt like accurately represented how insidious and terrifying all of that actually is. Most of all, for me, writing this story was so much more about the main character overcoming her strife, and finally feeling like she has agency and control over her own body again. At its core, the Shamrock Social Club is really just the story of a fiercely determined young woman on her own path to healing, who happens to meet a boy along the way. The writing process was very, very cathartic.

Your story got popular not only on Tumblr but across Twitter as well in a short period of time—an amazing accomplishment. How did you react to your (well-deserving) popularity?

Jesus, the memes that have been born out of this story on twitter and tumblr are… beyond hilarious. And trust me, nobody lurks on twitter more than me. I don’t know if I would use the word “popular” about this story or even about myself though. To put things in perspective, suddenly being under a magnifying glass is still super strange and new to me. I literally had about 500 followers for most of the eight years I’ve been on tumblr until the end of 2018, which is when I started posting fic. I think about this all the time, I could write a dissertation on how baffling it is that people suddenly seem to give me heaps of attention and put me on this pedestal when deep down I know who I am and I know how tumblr works and I know it’s just as likely that people could be sending messages and giving praise to literally anyone else. Everybody has something to offer, I just got lucky. In the grand scheme of things, this story has only reached a very small pocket of the internet and there really isn’t anything about me that makes me more special than anyone else, I’m just a person who had a few people’s attention for a little while because I wrote a story. I’m very proud and grateful to have people reading my writing and it isn’t lost on me how fortunate I am that anyone does in the first place.

The one thing I will say though, is that it’s profoundly moving to me the amount of sexual assault survivors who have come forward in the wake of this story. Anonymously or not, people have been so open, and have shared so much of themselves with me. It’s amazing how alone you can be made to feel when you don’t have an example of someone who has been through the same struggle as you and come out the other side, even if it’s a fictional character, and I think this story ended up meaning a lot more to people than I ever expected it to. I can’t wrap my brain around how special it is that something I wrote could offer some small comfort to another person who has survived something so awful. The response this story has gotten blows me out of the water to this day.

Who came up with the name ’tattoorry’?

Honestly I don’t remember but “tattoorry” is shorthand for “tattoo artist Harry.”

Lastly, anything you’d like to say to anyone who read your fic?

Thank you for reading my writing. On principal, I think that if you find something that makes you happy and it’s not hurting anyone, then that’s worth celebrating. The people who have engaged with this story made into into something so much bigger and more special than I could’ve ever accomplished on my own. 

Thank you very much, this was a lot of fun!

***

Thank you, AJ, for your time and dedication to these questions! Check out more of her work here! 

***If you would like to send in recommendations for next months featured story, please do so here.

[incorrect-marauders]

THE OWLS ARE IN! IT’S TIME FOR THE SURVEY RESULTS!

So, as many of our followers are probably aware, we recently did a survey to get a feel of what people thought of our blog. We got a total of 57 results and we are grateful to each and every one of you for taking the time to let us know your thoughts. Now, we’re here to share the general consensus of what people thought and how we will accommodate these opinions.

We’ll definitely have some changes to the blog, so read on to see what those changes are!

Before we begin, we have a few things to briefly mention.

The results are pretty scattered. We didn’t want to restrict anyone, so most were free response or included “Other”. In hindsight, there were a few questions that could have easily been multiple choice without really restricting anyone. (Side eyes the first question.) Therefore, most of these will just summarize the results we got. Occasionally drop the graph for the multiple choice questions.

Because of the large amount of responses we got, not every answer will be listed here. We highlighted the things that were either most commonly mentioned or had us thinking the most.

If anyone would like to see the full results for some reason (par the names, to keep anonymity), feel free to email us at incorrectmarauders.tumblr@gmail.com and we’ll send it over!

And yes, we are making changes to accommodate these results! That’s what this survey was all about!

We’ll be opening applications for new mods within the next couple days as well.

We’ll have a tiny hiatus as all of this is going on.

Now, we begin...

How long have you been following incorrect-marauders?

The most popular answer seemed to be around 2 months or 10 months. A lot of people filling out this survey seemed to either be relatively new or here since the beginning. Kudos to you incorrect-marauders veterans, and welcome newer followers!

How did you find incorrect-marauders?

Somewhat as we expected. Keep reblogging us, lovely people!

What do you love MOST about incorrect-marauders?

"It's funny.” (x50)

No really, we got 50 variations of “It’s funny,” “It’s hilarious,” “The humour,” “The funny text posts.”

Thanks, we appreciate it!

“How weirdly in character the quotes always are.”

(Similar variations include, “How actually accurate your post are,” “That not every post is as funny, imho, but that they do keep true to the characters,” “How much they fit the characters.”)

“They offer new content to the Marauders 'franchise' as it were because some stuff within the fandom is constantly being reused.”

“How correct it actually is if Joanne made it canon.”

“McGonagall with the marauders and that the sources are listed.”

“Accurate representation, variety of ships and relationships, isnt toxic.”

“Very funny and can be great art/writing prompts.”

“The taste.”

“EVERYTHING.”

These are all very nice, thank you all. Glad we hit where we were aiming.

What do you love LEAST about incorrect-marauders?

The most common response was, “Nothing,” or a variation thereof, but that’s no fun for this question, so here are some of the legitimate criticisms we received!

“Quote sources, I think, occasionally aren't there.”

Our original quotes often don’t have sources. But if there’s one where a mod forgot to credit a source, please just message us and one of the admins will fix that!

“There isn't a particularly nice aesthetic to the blog, e.g. a matching layout and profile picture or quote.”

Yeah, we’re working to fix that. I like pretty blogs too.

“Could be updated a little more.”

(”Not much posting in my opinion,” “Long time between posts.”)

Strangely enough, we got this a few times but our later poll about how often to post were contradicting this. So, unfortunately, we will not be adjusting this.

“I mean I would say that Peter is on it, but can’t really get rid of him...”

(Got a few of these, like, ”Peter being seen as a good person.”)

Sorry!

“Some are a bit too small.”

“I don’t like the long quotes.”

Well, then.

“Seeing my #notp but that isnt rly a minus?? Its called diversity so im not gonna hate or anything.”

Thank you for appreciating the diversity. We get occasional hate over it, but we also get hate over not posting some of the other ships. I suppose that’s what happens when you have lots of different followers of different opinions.

“If I send you a text post you credit the source in # but i'd like you to include a link to my tumblr in the post itself so people would actually find my tumblr. I doent send you text posts anymore, cause it doesn't really profit me and it feels like you get credit for my work.”

We’re sorry you feel that way. We always put it in the tags, just in front of the source. We are more of a mod-based blog rather than a submission-based blog. Anyone is welcome to submit, but about 98% of our posts are created by our mods.

“Sometimes I feel like the wrong characters were chosen or not well thought out.”

We can assure you our mods put a lot of thought into what characters to use, but you are welcome to message us with your own suggestion! (But please note that we are a Marauders blog; we got a few comments about how we don’t post enough Hinny or Romione, but that’s not what our blog is about.)

What makes incorrect-marauders stand out?

Once again, we got a lot about how funny we are, so we’ll skip over those and highlight the more unique answers!

"They don't use things from other people without credit.”

“The love and attention put in to everything.”

“Don't think there are any other blogs about marauders in this style.”

(We got this a few times. ”Like the type of blog and incorrect-marauders was the first one Harry potter themed I found,” also, “Its really funny and pretty much the only blog that just does this kind of post and i LOVE it.” But alternatively... “There are a lot of textpost blogs like it, but it is one of the only ones that I have found that consistently keeps characters in character in the posts and appeals to my sense of humor.”)

“I feel the quotes are in character and from multiple sources which Is cool.“

“How open it is.”

“The continuous content.”

“The posts arent so often that my dash is spammed like other blogs of the same nature.”

“Not sure but I like you.”

Not much to comment on these except we’re happy to see people think this about us!

How satisfied are you with the blog and the posts, in all?

So, you’re telling me, we opened a public, anonymous survey and not a single hater filled it out? Am I impressed or disappointed?

Please explain your response to the previous question.

“I just love the whole blog.”

“It's not my favourite blog ever ever which is why it's not a 10 but i still love it.”

“You guys are just so awesome! But it'd also be cool to have a little, meet the creator(s).”

“Its good but I don't have or want notifications on.”

“It’s the #qualitycontent i signed up for.”

"Always room for improvement, and also there's no 9 3/4 option.”

Awesome! We definitely agree that we can always improve, which is what this survey is for!

How often should we post?

We got a lot of variety here. Some say once a day (which is how often we currently post) was ideal. Others put stuff like...

“I wouldnt mind my entire blog just being filled with your posts.”

While Once A Day is the most voted for, the rest of the options put together, which we’ll name Two or More Times a Day, do win overall. Since we have one new post followed by a reblog, we’ll compromise by posting two times a day, but with one new post a day (the second being a reblog).

In UTC, what times do you prefer us posting?

As expected, not many people cared. But two people felt very strongly and voted for 12am, 1am, and 6pm UTC. So, we’ll consider that.

What characters, relationships, universes, etc. would you like to see more represented in our posts?

We got a lot of responses here, primarily being more Wolfstar, Jily, and BFFs James and Sirius. We also got a lot saying we should post about Hinny, Romione, next gen, FBAWTFT, etc. in which I remind you that this is a Marauders blog.

We also got the hilarious response that said we should maybe post about the “merauders”. Well, we can certainly promise you that.

We also got a lot of people saying more McGonagall. That’s something we can definitely do.

Would you like to see more original quotes from us?

For the longest time, the option 50/50 was at exactly 50%. Kind of disappointed that is no longer, but the 25% option is at 25%, so that’s something. Anyway, we’ll aim for 50/50.

What else would you like to see us post?

This was one of the results that will make the biggest change to the blog. People seem to really love these ideas. So expect...

Marauder Mondays! Every Monday we’ll have Marauder Monday, where we’ll answer asks, reblog posts, and have a party! Probably when we’ll post the “extra” posts, like our GIFs, graphics, aesthetics, videos, etc.

How would you feel if we did sponsored posts?

Combined, it seems like ~75% of those who took the survey are good with sponsored posts.

These results honestly surprised us. We’ve gotten a lot of offers of sponsorships in the past but have always denied them because we didn’t know how our followers would feel. We probably won’t do this in the near future, but it’s an option.

What kind of projects would you like to see us host?

We got so many people suggesting merch. Shirts, stickers, pins, other merch... So we’ll keep that in mind! We’d love some Marauders shirts ourselves.

“Projects that other blogs can get involved with to help other accounts grow.”

Noted!

“An art challenge maybe? like, 30 day challenge where you have to draw them as characters from movies/tv shows? like, friends, clueless, avengers, dc characters etc.“

Definitely interesting. Art challenges would be a lot of fun. Hopefully there’s an interest for this!

Which of our other accounts do you follow/would like to follow?

We’ll look into bringing on people to regularly post on other sites.

What device do you use to browse our blog most often (whether through Tumblr or our site)?

Why are we bothering with a redesign again? Oh, right. Personal vain.

How often do you visit the blogsite?

Those numbers are higher than expected...

What kind of things would you like to find on our blogsite?

“Character aesthetics.”

“Fanfiction links.”

“Marauders fan art would be cool.“

We’ll be working on this! Thank you for the suggestions!

More meet the creator(s) (if not comfortable with should, maybe just telling a funny story)

We got a lot of people saying they’d like to know more about us. We are anonymous, but this particular comment had us thinking. We’ll be implementing something in the near future. We will still remain anonymous, but we will have “blog identifies”, I suppose you could say. More info to come!

Other than show, character, and ship lists, what would you like to see in our navigation?

We didn’t get many new suggestions for this, except for fanart, aesthetics, etc. which we will add as more people join the blog!

Do you have any additional suggestions for us?

"Maybe find a blog that could do fan art, but only if you’re comfortable with it. Also, you’re blog is already so amazing, and any redesign would just make it more awesome!!! Don’t let anyone get you down espically if some one puts something negative on the survey because it is so so great already.”

We got no negative feedback (just constructive criticism), but thank you for your concern!

“um. keep doing this. i like it. it helps fill the gaping void in my soul“

Mood.

“Thanks for making the survey, caring about our feedback, and being awesome overall :)”

Of course! This is not just our blog, this is the Marauders fandom blog. Your feedback means everything to us and we hope you will like the changes we’ll make in response to it.

And that covers all of it! Cookies to anyone who read all of that! Keep an eye out for those new mod applications if you’re interested in joining our team!

We’ll be taking a tiny little hiatus as we’re figuring some stuff out.

[rickssugarplum]

Ricky Doll

This one is super long, my longest fic so far so be prepared! ❤

(Rick C-137 x Female Reader) NSFW-ish, Swearing, Fluff, Missing Someone, 2300+ words

You’ve missed Rick for so long and you have a Rick Plushie to fill the void. Rick finds out.

As much as you loved Rick, you couldn’t deny his constant adventures across the galaxy had occupied a lot of his time. You could never tell him, that you secretly wished he would spend less time in different dimensions and more time with you. But you weren’t stupid, Rick wasn’t a person who would be tied down. He was not like other men. He had priorities that were beyond relationships. A man of science could not be tied down. You respected his ways, knowing that telling him otherwise would be futile. But that never changed the fact that whenever he was gone, you felt... lonely. 

Sometimes, you would feel a little hurt when you had gone days without seeing him, or falling asleep alone in your bed. Sure, he gave you a special phone to call him from space, but you didn’t think Rick would want to be bombarded with calls while he was traveling with his grandson, putting them in dire situations. Plus, you didn’t want to seem desperate. Lately though, he had been gone much longer than usual, sometimes going weeks without hearing anything from him. He would text you to let you know he was still alive, which you were thankful for. Still, you really missed him. You longed for his company, to have him hold you, to hear his gruff voice whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he would plant you with kisses, and fall asleep with his warm body beside yours. But you were also loyal. Cheating was never an option for you. You wanted Rick and Rick alone. While you knew he could never be replaced in your eyes, you recently found a temporary solution.

A few months ago, you had been dragged along to the Citadel of Ricks. While the genius had despised the idea of a citadel and thought it was basically a bunch of Ricks living as sheep, he had to make a delivery that would pay a ton of cash. You were pretty freaked out at seeing so many Ricks at once, They were all Rick, but at the same time, they were not. You had seen one Rick cleaning the streets, a few cop Ricks, a lizard Rick, and a few homeless Ricks too. It was a huge city filled with them! You kept by your own though for safety. While your Rick was talking to a client, You had been stopped by a Rick, wearing a brown suit, with some stuffed toys in his hands. “HEY, PRETTY LADY!” he startled the ever-living crap out of you. You were not used to a Rick acting so enthusiastic.“Would you be interested in buying a Rick and Morty doll?” He continued on with his little sales pitch. “Only twenty-five flurbos for you own stuffed companion!” He exclaimed. Companion. That was something you were missing lately, you had contemplated that it was a stupid idea, but it would be funny to have. You agreed to purchase the stuffed Rick doll, and exchanged with some flurbos Rick had given you from a trip to Blips and Chitz. The salesman handed the doll over and as you looked at it more closely. It was, oddly adorable.

It was near life-size. The stitching on the face captured his expression accurately. Its eyes were stitched to appear half lidded, lips in a thin line, perfectly capturing Rick’s resting expression. The spikes of his wild blue hair had were sprawling over the doll’s head. You ran your fingers through the material and it was soft to the touch, just like his hair. The skin was the same grey shade and the fabric of the clothes were cheaply made. But look wise, it looked amazing. And you had nothing to complain about. You just had to find a way to hide it from Rick. Surely, he’d make fun of you for buying a freaking stuffed toy, like a 6-year-old. Luckily, the citadel had a free service that offered to drop off anything to your chosen destination via a drop-off portal close by. You quickly entered the coordinates, and threw your new plushie through it. Not even a minute after, Rick returned by your side, 6,000 flurbos richer. You simply followed him as he shot a portal to leave the weird city. You never told him about the salesman, you never tell him about your purchase. Had no thought of telling him either. It wasn’t a big deal.

Weeks had gone by and you hadn’t seen Rick since. The loneliness you felt in your heart only intensified with each passing day without him. At night, you would take the doll out of your closet, smiling as you looked into its felt eyes. You would bring it to bed with you and hold it, wishing it was really him. Sometimes you would play with its hair as you drifted off to sleep. That had been a habit of yours when Rick stayed over. His hair was so soft, you couldn’t help running your hands through it, not that he minded.  You felt you might have gone insane by sleeping with a stuffed version of your lover. But honestly, it helped you process throughout the day, knowing you would get to fall asleep with something physically similar at least. All you had to do is think of him, and he would be in your heart.

In the dark, you were sleeping, clutching onto the plush. The silence was interrupted when a bright green portal swirled to your room, Between the loud warping sound of the transportation and the bright effect it had, you woke up almost immediately. 

“Mmph...” You hated being woken up in the middle of the night but your heart almost leaped out of your chest when you heard a familiar husky voice calling you.

“Hey, I’ve been texting you all night! What the fuck wer-” He stopped when he saw a lump beside you on the side of the bed he would usually sleep, his side of the bed. Rick’s brow furrow furiously, face becoming red; fuming. He looked ready to kill.

“MotherFUCKER!” He screamed as he launched into your bed dragging the source of his anger out of the bed.

“What the fuck, Rick!?” you shouted, now fully awake. 

Next thing you see is him on the ground, punching the stuffed toy, with no rational thought in his body.

“Rick, STOP!!” you demanded, but he would not budge. You watched, freaking out as he kept assaulting his current target.

“She’s MINE, you fucking asshole!!” He screamed out, he was so pissed off, he couldn’t see, or care to see what kind of damage he would potentially do to the victim of his rage.

You jumped off your bed, running to the light switch and turning it on, revealing all of the room, including what had Rick seething with jealousy.

“You’re fucking dead you piece o-” He paused for a second, getting a better view of what he had been pummeling to the ground. It was.....soft, much softer than a human, he looked at his victim’s face and it was like looking in a mirror. It was...him? But a softer version, he examined the damage and he noticed, bits of cotton stuffing escaped on parts of the arm and chest.

“W-w-what the hell? Rick blurted out. Standing up, he picked up the soft item and looked at you, confused at what was going on. Your eyes shamefully moved to the floor, not wanting to see his face. “What is this??” he finally asked you.

“It’s a plush.....of you.....” you muttered, embarrassed. He saw the thing that had been a temporary fill-in for him.

“Where’d you get this?” He asked, he looked slightly intrigued and curious.

“At the citadel. While you were with that client. A salesman Rick approached me selling Rick and Morty dolls” you giggled, thinking about it. “I thought it would be kinda funny to have so...I bought one.” you explained, nervously rubbing the back of your neck, eyes darting across the room. This was honestly really humiliating. He still had one more question though.

“Well, w-w-why was it in your bed?” He could see your point about having it as a funny little gift, but he still didn’t understand why you were sleeping with it.

Now you were completely in an awkward position, you had no real choice but to answer him truthfully. There was no point in lying to him. You took a deep breath before you finally answered.

“It’s just that.....you haven’t been around lately. You’re off doing all these crazy adventures and working on new inventions and I just....really missed you..” you admitted. “I had it mainly to fill the void of you not being here... I’d hug it and would think of you...Nothing and no one can ever replace you, but, it has helped me a little when I really wanted you around...” you finished.

The cat was out of the bag now. He knew the truth. You told the god’s honest truth about how you just missed him and used the doll to cope with his absence.  You mentally prepared yourself to face his ridicule, to hear him mockingly laughing at you for your sentimental, clingy, teenage mentality bullshit. To tell you to grow the hell up and get over the fact he was gone and that you look stupid sleeping with a damn doll. You looked up to see Rick’s face and see his reaction, which had surprised you.

He was looking at the plush that he just mere moments ago had been beating the shit out of. He sneaked in a slight smile. He was actually kind of touched that you missed him so much that you had a doll that resembled him to make yourself feel better about him not being there. In his expression, you saw something else; guilt. Rick knew he had been gone a little longer than he should’ve been. He never liked leaving you alone for so long, he had just had so much on his plate lately and didn’t have time to visit you or take you anywhere. After a while of silence, Rick finally looked up to you.

“Oh baby....” He said as he placed the doll on the edge of the bed. He was making his way over to you, opening his arms.

“C’mere.” Rick wrapped his arms around you in a warm embrace. Your body warmed up at his hold. It had been so long since you had seen him, heard him, felt him. A smile crept on your face as you closed your eyes and enjoyed the moment. You were listening to his soft heartbeat that always made you feel safe, let you know he was there, alive and well. That was something the doll could never replicate. Rick finally spoke up.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been around. I nev-I never wanted to be away for so long, Shit’s just been so crazy lately. I’m sorry you’ve been so lonely.” he apologized as his hand was rubbing your back soothingly. 

“I’m here now, baby...” 

You had listened to every word he said and he sounded so sincere. You had no reason to doubt him. Sure he loved science, but he knew that it was important to let go sometimes. He was always able to do that with you.

“I missed you so much...” you told him, as you were melting in his arms.

“I know. I know, babe...” he muttered. He bent down to kiss the top of your head, rocking you gently in place. “I missed you too....” he confessed quietly. 

Looking up at him, you gave him a warm smile and leaned in closer to his face. Rick leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. It was very soft and welcoming. Then it became more passionate. You felt his tongue sneak into your mouth, making you giggle with excitement. More than happy to let him in, you wrapped your arms around his neck as you kissed back with the same amount of need. It had been too long.

To your surprise, Rick lifted you up as you yelped and wrapped your legs around his waist. He carried you over to the bed and gently laid you down. Before long, he crawled on top of you and attacked your mouth again with lustful kisses. You sighed and shivered at his touches. He stopped to breathe and looked in your eyes. You were dazed to say the least. Then, you felt Rick lightly press his lips to your jaw, leaving you gasping. “Baby....” he muttered into your ear. “I-I-I’ll make it up to you. I promise...” He started moving down to kiss your neck. No biting like he would usually do, just soft lips against your body, worshipping it. He stopped for a moment. Your heart sped up as you watched him take off his lab coat and throw it across the room. He crushed his lips back on yours. He looked in your eyes and whispered, “Mmm...I got a looot of time to make up for.” Crashing his lips again, your fingers traveled to touch his soft hair. His hair. Not some material meant to feel similar attached to a plush doll. You had Rick again at last, and relished in euphoria. You couldn’t get enough.

“Rick...I need you...” you begged as you couldn’t stop touching him.

“Don’t worry baby...” He peppered your neck with kisses again. It seemed he couldn’t get enough of you either. “I-I’m not going anywhere....I’m aallll yours, sweetheart.....” he proclaimed in a whisper. “I’m the oooonly toy you need now.”

Laughing, you caught his lips once more as you both enjoyed each other’s company.

The drought had ended. Rick was finally back by your side, giving you the love and affection you sought from him and him only. While you had no intention of getting rid of the plush toy, it would have to get used to being in your closet for awhile. Because, your Rick would always be your favorite doll.

❤

[stretchjournalemerson]

Rain

By Diti Kohli - Acknowledgments

Thank you Joan Didion––it may be my story and my words, but this essay emulates your essence and your everything. Thank you to Mary for giving a platform to incorporate the innately personal into our academic lives. Thank you to Phil for letting me use your real name and publish this in places where other people actually see it. 

***

Because I am young and malleable and stupid, I adore the rain and its lovable, idealistic connection to warm milk and slow kisses, and the coffee shop kind of pseudo-poetry. So when I sat among a slew of dark-colored turtlenecks on my floor expecting to be folded amid a lull in a text conversation with Phil, I told him I loved rain and I waited. Phil would say he was fond of it too. We had not yet been on our first date so disagreeing with me on anything so infinitesimal was socially unacceptable. He could not say he despised the way it made the world wretched, dreary, and inconvenient. He would not say that. And in that gentle pause where my phone thumped on the carpet and my insides thumped with anticipation unnecessarily under my skin, we began.  

It has been one month and two days since I encountered Phil or more accurately, five rains. When he almost emphatically stuffed his hand into the pocket of my green jacket and interlaced it with my frigid palm on our third date, it was not raining. There was a slight overcast with drifting New England winds we had chosen to endure on our walk down Mass. Ave. Here in Boston, these fall gusts possessed a warm aftertaste that gently caressed my bare ankles unlike alienating gales back home. We walked then because we had no money. His father credited the hundred dollars he lent to him two weeks before and I only had enough cash for half a slice of chicken bacon ranch pizza. The naivety of adolescence though leaves us unimpeded by the burdens of responsibility when they can be alleviated with intimacy. So we shrugged away the fact that we had nothing to spend on ourselves, let alone each other. 

On the curb before the crosswalk on Mass. and Memorial, both of us stood on that uneven, polka-dotted yellow grid someone had cemented on the edge to stop skateboarding heathens from speeding and ruining the sanctity of the well-endowed community. A couple with thick, unfamiliar East Coast accents bickered about the closing time of a museum in front of us. A baby cried a block to the right. And a cyclist zipped around our two frames when we stood immobilized after his first annoyed “on your left.” Phil turned to me and said something flattering and unmemorable that spoke volumes, but only for a fleeting second. 

You see it was a moment of simultaneous tension and release that usually gets lost in the mundane nature of existence; it was an instance feigned by romantic comedies and gobbled by desperate audiences. But it made me feel trite and predictable and gullible and young. I was suddenly scared of feeling what everyone expected me to feel so fast—easily and stupidly inebriated by lust and attention. I feared becoming that little college girl, dancing along to the tune of the first boy who had looked at her with caring, deep brown eyes and a well-intentioned smile. 

***

The Tuesday evening of our first date was rainy, but not with the kind of rain that drives people inside and away from the enticing chill it creates. Rather the one that perpetuates the slowness of the world for just one night of inimitable drizzling. I remember being annoyed that I spent a half hour meticulously curling my hair, thinking that the flounce would detract from my shortage of quirky anecdotes. I did not have fun stories to tell. My roommate had laughed at me, before I left, for worrying about the rings that would adorn my stout fingers and for checking my phone manically before he arrived and for everything. Phil told me later on that he did the exact same. Neither of us wanted to fall into the inferior position of being the one less wanted; it is a common youthful dilemma to deliberate staying the one who is not too invested, too eager. 

Which is precisely what we were. He giggled when the waitress could not understand our order for the third time because I talked too fast and stuffed my head into the menu. “Which one? The sashimi?” she inquired again. Eventually, we got our eel and tuna and salmon. 

We gripped the sushi with open chopsticks and open mouths and made an effort to answer each others’ endless questions with unbothered, impolite dispositions. With every massive bite of rice and seaweed, we had to spend uninterrupted, quiets moments while we gave our bodies the chance to catch up with our brains. It was a forced, comfortable silence. Suddenly, we were infatuated even by each other’s awkward mannerisms and crooked walks and complicated heritage. Two people were thrown into a rinky-dink, fragile kind of love while the rain washed away their hesitations. That day I felt no doubt.

***

Philip was dozing off on my shoulder in a Red Line subway train to Davis. I did not understand the intricacies of the T routes and the significance of the station names yet so I just watch the train plunge us through the unrevealing underground. How many stops did we pass? How many people crossed our path on that ride? Why were we even on the train? I doubt these questions nag at Phil who was dead asleep on the train’s pleather chairs, unbothered by the structures of the tunnels through which we raced, the faces of the people who glanced at his sleeping body, or the robotic voice of the man announcing the stations. But I want to know where we were going so I can look back at where we have been. 

Two elderly women boarded at the Harvard Square Station and sat directly opposite us. They looked at us puzzlingly or rather what I thought was puzzlingly, but later found to be normal. Grabbing Phil’s thigh a little tighter, I began to invoke every one of my mother’s warning statements back into my head. After growing up in a town of needless thank you’s and excessive courtesy, even the slightest unease in the women’s facial expressions was something I had learned to be wary of. I was trained to perfect and immediately enact the cowardly of the two flight-or-fight options and my untempered limbs left me no other choice honestly. 

Their faces softened. I nodded when they asked if we were together and thanked them for calling us adorable and then they whisked away at the next station before Phil even began to stir. Their presence lingered, unbounded and unexplainable. I wished that it would have rained that day just to add a bit of savory romance to a moment of fantasy fashion.

***

It feels trite to write about something so short, so seemingly irreplaceable as my relationship with Philip. No one wants to hear about fleeting teenage romance anymore; it is vain and overused and unoriginal. And yet I write. Because I feel as though this fluttering feeling will be whisked away if I do not cement it on paper, emotions like a heavy rainstorm, messy and raw and unable to be hidden in the way I have hidden feelings before. I plan to walk to see Phil tomorrow. It is a twenty-minute walk and on the way, I will pass a Hermes store that I cannot afford and a homeless man who sings Bob Marley loudly for people’s spare change. With Phil, I hope we will laugh at jokes that are not funny and talk loudly and do work that is separate together and holds hands. I hope his building will not be cold like it sometimes is, and I hope he wears the gray ARMY t-shirt I have told him I like. But most of all I hope it rains. 

Photo by Eitan Miller

[taran42181]

Losing Sean to addiction and illness...one year ago......

I’m not sure why exactly I’m writing this. Maybe because there’s not a human on this earth, I can talk to the way I can to a blank page. It’s too many layers of things and just confusing to be honest.  I’m writing this with limited editing. For an English major it’s not going to be my best work, but the only way for me to get my thoughts out raw and unfiltered is to not care about the silly nuances of grammar. Perhaps that is why I chose to call this blog “Ramblings” because essentially that is what it will be.

I’m sitting here alone, for the first time in weeks. I’m grateful for the chance to quarantine safely in my home with books, tv, food, water, heat, etc. I’m grateful for the extra family time and extra sleep. However, I need my me time. I can only take so much interaction before I need to retreat for a while.  

So what is on my mind..what is on my mind..is that I’m missing my brother. Actually, I’m missing my childhood family as I once knew it. Two gone, One sick and one in another state. Such is life. I’m reminiscent.  I cringe typing this, because so many people have it so much worse. So many people have so many more struggles and why should anyone give a damn about what I’m missing? We all have stuff do deal with in life. I feel, I post too much as it is, about my life on social media..but I’ll never stop acknowledging Sean or my dad. I’ll just keep the details of my feelings to this blog. I can write, which I love to do, without being a “Debbie Downer,” Sorry. 

**********************************************************************************

   Dear Sean, You are on my mind so much. I got to text with Paul and Eric out in Colorado and damnit, I’m thankful for them.  I’m thankful for Rich, too.  I’m glad you had friends that loved you for you. Friends that chose you as family.  It means the world to me. 

I’m thinking of you Sean, because this time last year, you were dying.  You were laying in a bed at CMC, struggling to breath.  I’m scared of the coronavirus and devastated and anxious for the patients laying in ccu beds on vents and their helpless families. I watched what irreversible ARDS can do to someone and its downright terrifying. It’s ironic that I’m hearing what it does, when just a year ago, I was watching it happen to you.

I tried for years to shield people from your less redeeming qualities; the severity of your mental illness and addiction.  It’s so easy for people to judge without knowing the person behind it all.  Some people are unforgiving and I wanted to protect you from them. I didn’t see things through rose colored filters. I was tough on you a lot.  I was embarrassed and sometimes even afraid for you.  I prayed you wouldn’t hurt or kill yourself or accidentally hurt someone else when you were using. 

You started out in life as the funniest, happiest little guy I ever knew.  You were my best, and for several years, only friend.  You never minded hitting record on the cassette player and being my audience when I wanted to sing Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston songs.  We walked home from school together every day, and we started neighborhood clubs together. You let me boss you around and played every game I ever asked.  You always thought of me when you did things and included me. We both had trouble finding our place in the world at times, but had each other.

It broke my heart when you were 16 and I was 18, and I started noticing you had been acting weird.  I had never lived with an addict, and I think it took all of us a little longer than some, to notice the signs.  I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from a bad choice.  You made a choice, and honestly I know it was for the sake of peer acceptance, to try heroin. I’ll never forget the day I confronted you and made you call mom at work and tell her you had been using heroin and couldn’t stop. In hindsight that was a terrible decision on my part towards mom.

It would take days, months even, if I were to write about the years between this day in 1999  and April 1, 2019- the day you died.  So, I won’t recount all of it. In short, you suffered all those years. We suffered as a family.  We discovered you had many physical health issues, some irreparable. We discovered you had more severe mental health issues than the current mental health system was prepared for, and we saw your addiction spiral to an honestly impressive tolerance. I’ve yet to see anyone else compare. I’m not saying that as a good thing, just the reality.  You were hurting, you hurt others and it was a vicious cycle.  I won’t sugar coat it.  You kept your distance and I tried to protect what I could of your reputation when people asked about you. The truth is your mental illness led you to some dark places and with that, you lost many friends and acquaintances. I know some people never knew you enough to form an opinion, other than a bad one. For their lack of insight into your issues, I don’t hold anything against them.  I understand why people would judge harshly and detach from someone who was self destructing. However, I’m so grateful for the people that saw past the bad and remembered that there was a kind, compassionate guy in you somewhere.  I’m thankful for the relatives that would ask about you, remember you at holidays and not take your isolation personal. They forgave your mistakes. They loved you and that never waivered. I hope you know that.  I know you felt shame, Sean.  You felt guilty and hated.  I also know you just wanted to be accepted.  It saddens me that some family chose to not come out here when you died. They chose to NOT be here for mom when you died. They chose to not honor you as a human being.   This doesn’t refer to all of them. Only a couple.  Some didn’t acknowledge your death at all!  I understand and I know you do too.  It’s hard with families and jobs and I hold no ill will. It’s hard, especially coming from out of state. Some of themy expressed their condolences and I was grateful. Some  though, judged you and didn’t like what you had become. Maybe you had done or said things to them, and weren’t on good terms with them. Maybe because you didn’t bother to visit them or engage in their lives. Ha! If they only know what your life had become. Alas though, your death wasn’t important to them. Mom’s loss wasn’t significant. They couldn’t be inconvenienced to be here one day for mom, unless it fit their schedule.  You didn’t have cancer, you didn’t commit suicide. I’m sure they were surprised it took this long.  It makes me sad, but it’s their fears and ignorance that kept them away. I forgive and move on. Guess what though? your true friends and family showed up.  I saw Mike and Lem and some other of your childhood friends. Eric, Paul and Rich. My friends from CMC and so many others. I’m forever grateful for each and every person who came to your service or called. Sean, the bottom line is that your life was complicated. My feelings on everything are complicated. ((sigh))).

 So, having touched on all the negative stuff, I want to tell you how much you meant to me and still do. I know you knew.  I told you all the time I loved you and you told me. We had so much fun together. I wish more of the world saw the Sean that I did.  You were kind, funny and loving. You only showed yourself at your best to your nieces and nephews. Somehow despite it all, you managed to be a positive in their lives. It breaks my heart how much the kids miss you, especially your buddy James. When you were doing well, you were amazing.  Those times in between, when I know you tried harder than anyone has tried at anything, I cherished.  You had so many positive qualities. I’ve still yet to meet someone that compares to your intelligence and quick wit.  You are one of a the best writers I know and could play the best pranks.

Watching you die was the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Even harder than watching dad die.  Ryan and I have talked about the comfort we find in knowing you and dad are together. Maybe dad had to die first, to be there to bring you home.

******************************************************************************

For those of you still reading that don’t know what happened when Sean died.. I’ll tell you. A quick side story though... My mother has a neuroendocrine malignancy and parkinsonism. A tiring and frustrating combination of mysterious symptoms. Anyway, much of the last few years she has been in and out of the hospital. Thankfully, we are closer to a more accurate diagnosis and treatments, but her quality of life has diminished. She was a healthy, vibrant healthcare administrator and an active board member for various community organizations in Denver.  Approximately 7 years ago, was the beginning of her decline.  She still lives life to the fullest though, does not look for help or sympathy, and does her best each day. She amazes me and on her best days you wouldn’t know anything was wrong!  

Anyway, about two weeks before Sean died, she had a bad episode in the middle of the night.  Paramedics took her to the hospital.  It was awful. The next morning, I called Sean to check on him.  No answer. A couple of hours later, my mom now stable at the hospital, asked me if I’d talked to him. I told her I’d keep trying. I called and called. I went over to Sean’s apartment and although I had a key, I had to break the chain lock.  When I got to his room, he was in bed.  He had vomit all over him and was unresponsive.  I called 911 and luckily was able to get him to wake up by screaming directly into his hear.  When he came to, he was lethargic and disoriented. I wasn’t able to ascertain exactly what he had taken.  My only regret that day is that I didn’t go to the hospital with him.  Sean’s had many overdoses. I was frustrated and relieved he woke up and thought this would be another one of his hospital admissions. My mom and Ryan have resuscitated him in the past. He overdosed and was intubated several times over the years, before the days of getting Narcan at home. (And yes, he did get lots of “tough” love too. He was in treatment many, many, many times) Sometimes treatment was hard to get because of his co-existing mental and physical issues, but my angel of a mother never gave up on him. She was scammed out of money by a “recovery coach” and hit a lot of roadblocks through the years, but she always tried to keep him alive. She never gave up hope for him. She has been judged for this, but you find out what you would do when your in situations.  Anyway, enough sidetracking.

Sean was taken from his room with paramedics and police to the hospital. I fully believed he would be ok.  I had to work that evening and called the hospital to check on him.  I wasn’t able to find out where he was or what was happening. My mom found out he had gone into respiratory distress and had been intubated. Sean, having been intubated previously on several occasions, had repeatedly told my mom he did not want vented ever again. I’m glad we weren’t there for them to ask us, because his honest feeling was that he didn’t want to be saved but we didn’t have a written dnr and we didn’t want to lose him. In any case, he was intubated and admitted. I went to see him the next day and when I spoke quietly to him, but he woke up and started trying to talk over the vent. I told him I loved him but I was leaving because he needed to rest. I reminded the staff of his high tolerance for sedatives and told them I’d try to stay away as to not agitate him.  The nurse was very sweet and understanding.

The next few days I was there in between kids activities, school and work.  I tried to visit him and my mom as much as I could.  Fast forward, each day Sean got sicker and sicker. I left my phone in my car one day to get coffee at wawa and when I came back I saw the hospital had called. Sean had coded, but they got him back. I went over to the hospital. I took my mom from her hospital room to ICU to see him. They did a TEE but it was negative. They told me he was septic. He had a very bad infection in his lungs. He had what you may be hearing about now on the news, called ARDS. He was so hot that I could have literally cooked breakfast on his skin.  He was on a cocktail of antibiotics.  Sean had pre-existing lung issues and the night before I found him, Sean had taken drugs. Which ones and what kind, I’m not sure of exactly. He had sedated himself so much, that he went to bed, drank something in his sleep (he had a bottle of orange juice with him) and he aspirated. Had he not taken too much of whatever he did that night, he wouldn’t have been lethargic and under the influence. Had he not brought orange juice to bed, he wouldn’t have aspirated. Laying in bed for a day, after choking, and his breathing diminished, made for him too become too sick to recover.

He continued to deteriorate until they could not longer keep him vented. (side tracking again, if your family member is intubated for any reason I strongly suggest you research what you can and know your rights and options). It came to a point where we had to make a decision. Sean was “out of it’ for most of the time, but he would wake up at times.  It was agony because we knew he didn’t want to be vented but he needed it to live.  The Palliative care doctor decided we could slowly wean him off things that made his judgement cloudy. Not immediately, but when and if, he was coherent enough, she would talk with him directly.  We ask him and he communicated with head nods and pointing. He even tried writing and then he tried and pointed at letters on a keyboard.  The day came around and Ryan, mom, me and the Palliative care doctor spoke with Sean.  His intensivist told us his lungs would “never recover.” If he were to be take off the vent, the only way he could live was to have a permanent trach. My mom having health issues, and at the time, still a patient herself, wouldn’t be able to care for him full time.  He would be likely left to live out  years and years, in a nursing home on a trach.  If he was healthier and this was reversible for him, it would've been a no brainer. Unfortunately, he had a lot stacked against him.  The doctor explained to Sean what happens if we take the tube out.  He kept motioning for us to take it out.  She explained without the trach he would stop breathing eventually.  He indicated in several ways, he clearly understood. For Sean, living each day was a struggle. I think even if he had a better chance at recovery, he still wouldn’t have wanted it.  She asked him if that's what he wanted several times and each time, he indicated yes. I had to leave the room to not lose it and break down.  So it took a while but they slowly weaned him off of the vent.  He asked for Mountain Dew, his favorite. He couldn’t swallow or drink so we put the smallest amount on a one of those little mouth sponges, and gave him a taste. He coughed and coughed, but smiled.  He wanted his music, so we played his favorites for him. Frank Turner, Billy Brag, mainly. (much of the music he introduced me too is now stuff I listen to regularly) The three of us spent the next several days with Sean, watching him die. We told him stories, he listened. He tried to laugh. He cried. We cried. He slowly and painfully left the world after three or four days. I can’t even remember how long it took. I told him I would get a tattoo to match one of his. He pointed to one on his arm, that he wanted me to get. The day after his death, I got the tattoo.  His breathing became more difficult. His skin burned and burned and even with cooling packs, they couldn’t help him. It devastated me to see him suffering at the end of his life, even though the nurses tried their best to keep him comfortable. Each time he had what I now know is called “Cheyne-stokes” respirations, we would think the time was near, but he kept on. We told him it was ok to go and that dad was waiting. My angel mother prayed over him, with him. She sang to him and I’m damn positive she delivered him to God herself and helped him transition peacefully between the two worlds. I don’t know where she got the strength. She never left his side until the last day. I wasn’t as strong. I couldn’t handle hearing his breath sounds without crying. I’m glad my mom and Ryan could, but I know it wasn’t easy.  So, if you’re still reading this long story. wow. and thank you .  I feel better for having wrote it out. It’s so much to talk about.  I have some really great friends that let me vent to them during it all and have been there for me still. More angels that walk this Earth. <3

I know this is jumbled and all over the place. Half talking to Sean, half talking to whomever is reading.  I apologize, but it has been cathartic for me to get it out. 

Sean, in the end, I love you. Your life mattered. You had many positive impacts on people.  You are missed. We are grateful for having had you for 35 years and I won’t ever forget you!! 

[allhailkingp-a]

⭐ 💟

Send in a symbol to find out what my muse’s results were and whether I think it’s accurate or not. ( still accepting??? maybe??? fuck I dunno )

Send in 💟to find out what kind of ‘dere’ my muse is

( That’s nice, but it’s super wrong.  Keep in mind I actually got tsundere the first time I took the quiz.

I honestly don’t care enough to think about what he’d actually be LMAO.  I looked up a list and fuck dude there’s like 20 types and no one’s got time for that.

I guess we’ll never knooooooow.  Or we’ll go with the first thing I got a few days ago.  That’s closer, to be honest. )

Send in ⭐to see my muse’s Homestuck ‘True Sign’

( Here’s what we got to work with.

That’s right… Gemlo… apparently.

Let’s break down what this means.  Join me under the cut for some really in-depth analysis of what I think of this result.

For one, Porky got one of the Gemini signs… because he’s a Gemini.  Wow.  who would have thought.  I’d copy and paste what the site says about yellowbloods, but holy fuck, it is a text wall.  So I’ll summarize best I can to my understanding.

Yellowbloods or the Gemini whatever the fucks are the smart sign™ of the set.  Kind of intellectuals, but like, assholes.  They tend to be a jack-of-all-trades.  They have high energy.  They can, quote, “talk circles around people”.  They’re good at making money.  They’re impulsive.

Yellowbloods strike me as being the Ravenclaw-esque type of character trope.  Porky is really smart, I feel strongly about that, but he’s not an intellectual type.  He’s just a dumbass who kind of isn’t that stupid sometimes.  I think the general gist of the yellowbloods make sense, but… it’s a sort of… I don’t know.

I was trying to place the Minches on the hemospectrum and I was thinking mid-to-upper class, but this actually does kind of make sense to me.  But upon reading about the blueblood signs/Scorpio (which is what I am… fuck…), that makes more sense overall.  Here’s the highlights of the blueblood description.

“Of all the sign classes, they have the potential to do the most good, but also cause the worse harm. They can be incredibly effective, and also incredibly destructive. Tell a Blue Sign this and chances are they would agree with you. They are magnetic and adaptive, able to adjust how they present themselves in any situation. They have a mask for every occasion […] They are powerful and successful, but they also tend toward jealousy. They often resent those they see as more well-positioned than they are.”

The quiz does encourage you to pick either your sign based on birthday or what you’d feel connected to so we can just pretend he got blueblood and move on.  What I find funny, though, if he were a yellowblood, is how psionic abilities are heavily connected to yellowbloods and Porky just… isn’t psychic.

Anyhow, that’s that.  Onto lunar sway.

My mans got Prospit.  I also have Prospit sway, coincidentally.  Here’s the fun thing about Porky getting Prospit sway.  Half of it makes sense to me, the other half doesn’t.  But, not to spoil things for you, I still agree with the selection because there’s no way in hell he’s a Derse dreamer based on the description provided.  It’s not him.  But what does Prospit sway mean for our bravest little chubster???

Prospit dreamers are more about being in the moment and much choices based on gut feeling.  They don’t think things through and their wants and decisions can change on a dime.  They’re also more okay with authority and attempt to coexist with it.  They’re trusting and poor at hiding their true selves.

All right, so.  That’s pretty accurate.  Hell, even upon summarizing it, I realized I agreed with it more than I initially thought.  So, as we may or may not all be aware, Porky is very prone to changing his mind.  He moves the goalposts for people constantly because he does not know what he wants.  Ever.  He doesn’t think things through pretty much ever, though he definitely did more as time went on.  I disagreed with him coexisting with authority until I realized… Giygas.  He found a way to coexist with Giygas to protect himself.

He’s not trusting, certainly, but let’s be real… he’s so shitty at pretending he’s not evil or that he’s not doing whatever it is he’s planning to do.  The Prospit description just takes a more optimistic look at Porky’s personality, let’s be real here.

And now to move on to Aspect.  I’ll also be talking about Class because I genuinely don’t know why they didn’t include that to begin with.

As we can see, Porky got the Heart aspect.  What does the Heart aspect say about Porky?

Here’s the first line of Heart’s description: “Those bound to the aspect of Heart are very concerned with their favorite subject: themselves.”  It goes on to explain that players who have the Heart aspect are mainly concerned about identity.  Who are they?  What does it mean to be who they are?  It’s not inherently selfish, but it can be, obviously.

Okay.  So.  Aspect is harder to pin but here’s the thing.  I don’t inherently disagree with this choice.  There actually is a lot of connection between Porky and his identity.  He has a massive problem with not knowing who he was for a long time, and you can see him forge an identity as Earthbound goes on, but after that, it becomes more difficult to define because he is out of the bounds of the “rules” that he was playing by previously.

Let me say a thing on Class real quick, because if they’re gonna give us Aspect, let us just take the whole Classpect passage, y’know?  Porky got a canon classpect, actually.  I’d pin him as a Prince of Heart, specifically.  This is important because it actually does change how he interacts with the Heart aspect as a whole.

Look, there isn’t much canon to go on about the exact roles Prince of Heart plays and what that even means.  But I’m gonna nab an analysis from someone who was really popular for their classpect analyses back in the day, because I generally agree with the ideas presented.  Here’s some highlights.

“So they ruthlessly cut down passion and instinct for the things they feel strongly about, not letting themselves be controlled by the whim of emotion either to enjoy things or suffer through them […] A Prince of Heart has a strange mix of violent stubbornness and total apathy, perhaps making them virulently apathetic to something they absolutely refuse to care about one way or another, or being stubborn about the fact that they actually for real totally don’t care about the thing at all, nope, uh-uh […] this might also be expressed in an extreme desire to the point of obsessive craving for a thing or person, not so much just love as an over extreme very needy and jealous form of love.”

However, do note that I don’t 100% agree with the Porky fitting into the Prince of Heart classpect so easily.  It really emphasizes a lack of emotion in the context of a Heart player, and to be fair, Porky tries to be above it all, but not in the way say, like, Dirk is as our canon Prince of Heart.  But this is just a fan interpretation.  It’s a really good start, though. )

[beyondforks]

Book Review: The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli

The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli Genre: Young Adult (Contemporary Romance) Date Published: April 11, 2017 Publisher: Balzer + Bray

Seventeen-year-old Molly Peskin-Suso knows all about unrequited love—she’s lived through it twenty-six times. She crushes hard and crushes often, but always in secret. Because no matter how many times her twin sister, Cassie, tells her to woman up, Molly can’t stomach the idea of rejection. So she’s careful. Fat girls always have to be careful.

Then a cute new girl enters Cassie’s orbit, and for the first time ever, Molly’s cynical twin is a lovesick mess. Meanwhile, Molly’s totally not dying of loneliness—except for the part where she is. Luckily, Cassie’s new girlfriend comes with a cute hipster-boy sidekick. Will is funny and flirtatious and just might be perfect crush material. Maybe more than crush material. And if Molly can win him over, she’ll get her first kiss and she’ll get her twin back. 

There’s only one problem: Molly’s coworker Reid. He’s an awkward Tolkien superfan with a season pass to the Ren Faire, and there’s absolutely no way Molly could fall for him. Right?

The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli was a surprisingly fun story. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading it, but it kept me entertained. I've read many reviews saying how Molly based too much of her self worth on if guys liked her or what other people thought of her, and she did, but who doesn't when you're in high school? Personally, my teen self related to her in so many ways. I think it it a rare high schooler whose self esteem isn't based on what others think of them at least a little bit. Most of us aren't that strong, especially as teenagers. I think that's the whole point of the book. We all felt like something was wrong with us. This story shows us, we weren't alone.

Chapter 1 I’m on the toilet at the 9:30 Club, and I’m wondering how mermaids pee. This isn’t random. There’s a mermaid Barbie attached to the door of the bathroom here. Which is a pretty odd choice for a bathroom mascot. If that’s even a thing. Bathroom mascots. But the door opens, letting in a burst of music from the club. This is not a bathroom you can enter discreetly. A stall door clicks shut just as I’m opening mine. I step out. There are mirrors above all the sinks. I suck in my cheeks so it looks like I have cheekbones. And it’s quite a transformation. Sometimes I have the idea that I could maintain this. I could spend the rest of my life gently biting the inside of my cheeks. Except for the fact that it makes my lips look weird. Also, biting your cheeks definitely gets in the way of talking, and that’s a little hardcore, even for me. Even for cheekbones. “Shit.” There’s a voice from the stall, low and sort of husky. “Hey, can you hand me some toilet paper?” She’s talking to me. It takes me a moment to realize that. “Oh! Sure.” I grab a wad of it to pass under the girl’s door, and her hand brushes mine as she takes it. “Okay, you just saved my life.” I saved a life. Right here in the bathroom of the 9:30 Club. She flushes, and steps out of the stall, and the first thing I notice is her shirt: red cotton, with an awesomely artistic rendering of the letters G and J. I actually don’t think most people would recognize them as letters. But I do. “That’s a Georgie James shirt.” The girl raises her eyebrows, smiling. “You know Georgie James?” “Yeah.” I smile back. Georgie James. They were a local DC band, but they broke up years ago. You never really expect to meet anyone our age who’s heard of them, but my sister used to be obsessed. The girl shakes her head. “That is awesome.” “It is the awesomest,” I say, and the girl laughs—one of those quiet laughs that bubbles up from your throat. Then I really look at her. And oh. She’s beautiful. This girl. She’s short and slender and Asian, and her hair is such a dark shade of purple, it’s almost not purple. Thick-framed glasses. And there’s something about the shape of her lips. She has very well-defined lips. Cassie would definitely be into her. The glasses, especially. And the Georgie James shirt. “Anyway, thanks for saving my butt. Literally.” She shakes her head. “Okay, not my butt.” I giggle. “It’s okay.” “Thanks for saving my labia.” I shrug and smile back at her. There’s just something about this kind of moment—this tiny thread connecting me to a total stranger. It’s the kind of thing that makes the universe feel smaller. I really love that. I drift back into the club, letting the music settle around me. It’s a local band I’ve never heard of, but the floor is packed. People seem to like how loud the drums are. I’m surrounded by dancing, moving bodies and dimly lit faces, heads tilted up at the stage. Suddenly, everything starts to feel huge and impossible again. I think it’s because there are so many couples, laughing and leaning and earnestly making out. There’s this feeling I get when I watch people kiss. I become a different form of matter. Like they’re water, and I’m an ice cube. Like I’m the most alone person in the entire world. “Molly!” shouts Cassie, waving her hands. She and Olivia are near the speakers, and Olivia is actually wincing. She’s not exactly a 9:30 Club kind of girl. I’m not sure I am, either, but Cassie can be pretty persuasive. I should put this out there: my twin sister and I are nothing alike. We don’t even look alike. We’re both white, and we’re both sort of medium height. But in every other way, we’re opposites. Cassie’s blond, green-eyed, and willowy. I’m not any of those things. I’m brown-haired and brown-eyed and nowhere close to willowy. “I met your dream girl,” I tell Cassie immediately. “What?” “I made a friend in the bathroom, and she’s really cute, and I think you guys should fall in love and get married and have babies.” Cassie does her raise and wrinkle eyebrow thing. She’s one of those blond girls with brown eyebrows, and it’s hard to explain how perfectly it works on her. “How does that happen?” “How does love happen?” “No, how do you make friends in a bathroom?” “Cass. You’re missing the point. This is the dream girl.” “Wait a minute.” Cassie flicks my arm. “Is this a Molly crush? Is this crush number twenty-seven?” “What? No.” I blush. “Oh my God. Your first girl crush. I’m so proud.” “We’re at twenty-seven already?” Olivia asks. Which I’m choosing to interpret as her being impressed with me. So, I’m a prolific crusher. That’s not a bad thing. Not that this is a Molly crush. I shake my head and cover my eyes. I feel a little helium-brained. Maybe this is what it’s like to be drunk. My cousin Abby told me being drunk feels like you’re floating. I wonder if it’s possible to get drunk without drinking. “Hey.” Cassie peels my hands away from my face. “You know it’s my job to mess with you.” But before I can reply, Olivia holds up her phone. “Hey, it’s eleven forty-five,” she says. “Should we be heading to the Metro?” “Oh!” I say. The Metro closes at midnight. Also, I’m starting work tomorrow. I have an actual summer job. Which means I should probably get at least a little bit of sleep, so I don’t pass out at the register. I hear that’s not professional. We weave toward the exit, and it’s honestly a relief to step outside. It’s cool for June, and the air feels nice against my legs. I’m wearing this cotton dress that was plain black when I got it, but I sewed on a doily lace Peter Pan collar and some lace around the bottom. It’s completely improved. Cassie and Olivia both text as they walk, and they don’t even trip over the curb. I admire that. I hang back a little, just watching them. They fit here, on U Street. Cassie’s got this perfect, messy ponytail, and she’s dressed like she threw on the first thing to fall out of her closet. Which is probably accurate, but it works on her. More than works. She has this way of making everyone else look overdressed. And Olivia is tall, with this fresh-scrubbed kind of prettiness—except she has a nose stud and blue-streaked hair that make you look at her twice. And I guess she’s considered chubby, but not as much as I am. I do wonder, sometimes, what people think when they see me. It’s strange how you can sometimes still feel self-conscious around people you’ve known your whole life. Literally. We’ve known Olivia since our moms were in La Leche League together. And for seventeen years, it’s been the four of us: Cassie, Olivia, me, and my cousin Abby. Except Abby moved to Georgia last summer. And ever since, Cassie’s been dragging Olivia and me to the stuff she used to do with Abby—open mic nights and concerts and wandering down H Street. A year ago, Olivia and I would have been tucked up on her living room couch, watching Steven Universe with Titania, her schnauzer-beagle mix. Instead, I’m surrounded by people who are infinitely cooler than me. Everyone on U Street is doing one of three things right now: laughing, smoking, or making out. I turn toward the Metro pole, and right away, I see the dream girl. “Cass, it’s her!” I pull on Cassie’s tank top. “In the red. Look.” The girl leans forward, digging through her purse. There are these two hipster white guys hovering near her, both absorbed in their phones: a redhead wearing skinny jeans, and a dark-haired one with dramatic bangs. “But you never explained why she’s Cassie’s dream girl,” Olivia says. The girl looks up from her purse, and Olivia turns away quickly. But she sees me. The dream girl waves, and I wave back. “Oh. She’s cute,” Cassie whispers. “I told you.” I grin. “She’s walking over here.” And she is. The dream girl is walking toward us, smiling. So now, Cassie’s smiling. She’s staring at the ground, but I can tell from her cheeks. “Hi again,” says the girl. I smile. “Hi.” “My savior.” This girl must seriously hate drip-drying. “I don’t think I even introduced myself,” she says. “I’m Mina.” “I’m Molly.” “Your shirt,” Cassie says, “is the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I’m just.” She shakes her head. Mina laughs. “Thank you.” “I’m Cassie, by the way. And I’ve never met anyone who’s heard of Georgie James.” Okay, that’s bullshit. I’m standing right here. “You know what’s funny,” Mina starts to say—but then the dramatic bangs boy pokes her arm. “Eenie Meenie, let’s go.” He looks up, catching my eye over Cassie’s shoulder. “Hi. Nice to meet you guys, but we have to catch this train.” “Oh shit,” says Mina. “Okay. Well—” “So do we,” Cassie says quickly. And somehow it happens: our groups merge. Cassie and Mina fall into step beside each other, and Olivia’s right behind them, in her own world, texting. I step onto the escalator and lean into the handrail, trying not to look like a sheep that lost its herd. Molly Peskin-Suso: disoriented introvert, alone in the wild. Until I look up and realize: I’m not actually alone. The hipster boys are a step below me on the escalator. I accidentally lock eyes with the redhead, who asks, “Why do you look familiar?” “I don’t know.” “Well, I’m Will.” “I’m Molly.” “Like the drug,” says Bangs. Like the drug. Like I’m a person you would associate with drugs. The train pulls into the station almost as soon as we step off the escalator, and we have to sprint to catch it. I slide into a seat, leaving room for Cassie, but she plops down next to Mina. Olivia settles into the seat beside me instead. And then moments later, Mina’s hipster boys drift toward us. Bangs is reading something on his phone, but the red-haired guy grips the pole and smiles down at us. I look up at him. “Will, right?” Okay. So he’s cute. He’s a tiny bit really extremely cute. “Good memory!” he says. And then Olivia introduces herself, and there’s this weird, hanging pause. I wish I were the kind of person who knew how to fill a silence. I’m not. Olivia’s definitely not. “Oh, and this is Max,” Will says, after a moment. Bangs glances up from his phone with a tiny smile. “What’s up?” And ugh—he’s cute, too. Except no: I’d actually describe him as hot. He’s one of those guys who’s so hot, he’s not even cute. But he should rein in the bangs. “So, who does Molly look like?” Will asks, staring me down. “Sorry, but it’s driving me crazy.” Max appraises me, pressing his lips together. “No idea.” “She seriously looks like someone.” Actually, I get this a lot. I think I must have one of those stupidly generic faces. Weirdly, three entirely unrelated people have told me I look like this particular teen actress from the seventies, though I’m sort of a fat version of her. And strangers are always telling me I look like their cousin or someone from their summer camp. It freaks me out just a little bit. Like, there’s this part of me that wonders whether I actually am related to all these cousins and camp friends. Here’s the part where I should probably mention that Cassie and I are sperm donor babies. So that’s a thing in my life: that tiny niggling idea that everyone I meet might actually be my half sibling. “I’m just going to gawk at you until I figure it out,” Will says. Across the aisle, Cassie snorts—and I suddenly realize she and Mina are watching us. They look extremely entertained. Heat rises in my cheeks. “Um, okay,” I say, blinking. The train slows to a stop, and Olivia stands. “Well, here’s Chinatown.” “That’s us, too,” Will says. I guess that’s not surprising—half the world gets off here to transfer. The doors spring open, and Cassie and Mina trail behind us as we step onto the platform. Cassie’s typing something into her phone. “Where are you guys headed?” Will asks, still staring a little too hard at my face. “Takoma Park. Red Line.” “Oh, okay. Opposite direction. We’re Bethesda,” he says. “So, I guess this is good-bye.” I never really know the protocol for this kind of situation. It’s like when you’re in line at a store, and a grandma starts telling you all about her grandchildren or her arthritis, and you smile and nod along. But then it’s your turn to check out, so you’re just like okay, well, good-bye forever. Which is kind of tragic, if you really think about it. There’s a little computer sign that says how long you have until each train gets in. Red Line to Glenmont arrives in ten minutes. That’s us. But the Red Line train to Shady Grove is basically pulling in now. Will and Max and Mina leap up the escalator to catch it. By the time we reach our platform, their train has already left the station. So, that’s it.

Becky Albertalli is the author of the acclaimed novels Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (film: Love, Simon), The Upside of Unrequited, and Leah on the Offbeat. She is also the co-author of What If It's Us with Adam Silvera. A former clinical psychologist who specialized in working with children and teens, Becky lives with her family in Atlanta. To learn more about Becky Albertalli and her books, visit her website.You can also find her on Goodreads, Facebook, Tumblr, YouTube, and Twitter.

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It’s fine to swerve every now and then from your relationship or marriage with your close friends. However, there’s a fine line between friendship and infidelity. Friendship is a relationship of mutual happiness and support. On the other hand, infidelity is a violation of a couple’s verbal contract regarding emotional and s*xual exclusivity. They’re two completely different things. Sure, life happens; and sometimes, life gets very messy because people mess up. But affairs never just happen out of the blue. Lots of people—both men and women—have to ask themselves what they can do to make their relationships with their partners or spouses better. A healthy relationship or marriage requires several things in order to foster intimacy. Those things include open feelings, romantic fantasies, and intentional encounters. The romance is enticing in the early stages of an affair, but many cheating partners end up having to deal with reality in the form of a wake-up call. Not all cheating partners or spouses will feel guilty and apologize for their actions, but some of them will become disheartened. You can disagree all you want, but Johnny Depp‘s famous quote, “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second,” is indeed accurate. From bouts of depression to falling for a best friend, many Reddit users have shared their reasons for cheating on the discussion website. So, let’s take a look at 15 users who revealed their cheating confessions on how their affairs started.

#1 Ending A Toxic Relationship Teens are just starting to navigate the world of romantic relationships. Even if they have great guidance from their parents, teens can find themselves in a toxic relationship with no purpose. A Reddit user reminisced about her previous relationship saying, “I was in a relationship where neither of us were happy. I met my ex bf 2 years ago. He was nice; he was funny; he was cute. We started dating. After a few months, he started to follow me. It was slightly creepy and I thought I just imagined it. But when I was with my best friend, he asked me when I went home last night “because I random drove by your house and your car wasn’t there. That was around 2 in the morning.” Well, after a huge fight because of this, I spent the night at my best friend’s house. With a few bottles of wine and that deep, deep unhappiness…My best friend and I are together since almost a year and I couldn’t be happier.” The user was aware her actions were wrong, but she had to do what’s right for her.

#2 Dealing With Insecurity When a guy is insecure, he’ll have difficulty falling in love and might resort to affairs as a way to self-medicate. A Reddit user wrote, “I cheated on my current girlfriend by talking to another girl. Nothing really happened. Not so much as a nude photo was even sent, no ‘I love yous’ or nothing, just the possibility of leaving my current were talked about. She found out about it. I lied and made it even worse. But at the end of the day, we talked about it and she realized that I never felt valued or appreciated. I felt used and she’s done her fair share of backstabbing herself and at no other point in time have I ever wronged her. Sadly, nothing’s changed so far. She’s still unemployed and does absolutely nothing and I still work my a** off all the fricking time. I’m down to one day a week now and I can’t even pay all my bills.” The user is clearly worried about himself and is simply dragging things out because he wants to make his girlfriend feel the pain for her actions, but all he’s doing is creating damage.

#3 Getting Even After you’ve discovered you’ve been cheated on, the thirst for revenge can transform even the sanest of us. A Reddit user put out a few statements saying that he basically cheated on his girlfriend because he wanted to seek revenge for her doing it to him first and admitted that the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with was awesome. His affair was short-lived and only lasted for a couple of nights, but it made him feel good. Retaliation affairs can sabotage the potential recovery of a relationship because it’ll distract you from dealing with the actual issues that led to the affair in the first place. The relationship is likely already vulnerable, and you’ll unlikely teach the cheating partner or spouse a lesson because it’ll just make you look bitter. Getting even isn’t the smartest choice because you can make them feel justified in having their affair, but to each their own.

#4 Being Too Young To Know Better Perhaps this Reddit user didn’t know what love meant at the time. He chronicled, “I was in a relationship for 3 years with my high school sweetheart. It was actually 3.5 years. But, whatever. It ended because I wouldn’t take her back after what she had done with someone else. She lied to me whenever I asked if she’d done something. She looked directly in my face with her big eyes and lied to me. In that moment, I was filled with trust. Until I found out through my best friend. We texted each other. She texted me tough sh*t like ‘its none of your business’. Though we weren’t officially together when she committed her act, I didn’t have it in me to keep her. When it came to her wanting to talk about it, I bid her farewell and let her go. We haven’t interacted since. I didn’t take her back or hear her out a final time.” It probably wouldn’t be healthy for him to go back to the relationship anyway.

#5 Avoiding Serious Medical Issues The majority of Reddit users are young and male. The discussion website definitely saw one user at his candid best. He affirmed, “Not a married cheater, but I hope I never become one after recently finding out about my dad. To the best of my knowledge, he has carried on at least two long-term affairs with women in their 20’s throughout my childhood. There are probably quite a few more skeletons in his closet, like high-end hookers or one night stands; but I don’t even know if I want to find out about those. My mom has known for at least 3 years. For 2 of those years, she was battling cancer; and for all 3, she has had to put up with the sh*t I give her.” Cancer is a serious disease that can be treated so people can live longer lives. If you’re in a relationship with a healthy person who fell ill, you should at least have the decency to leave them because serious medical issues are already a pain in the a*s.

#6 Struggling With Depression A Reddit user admitted to struggling with depression saying, “I cheated on my long-time girlfriend and was subsequently busted several years ago. I wish I could say that my girlfriend did something horribly wrong; but she didn’t. I did it for incredibly selfish reasons. I went through a severe bout of depression and thought that the fresh and intimate connection of a new girl would help fix my mental health problems. It didn’t. Not worth it.” Depression is more than feeling sad and going through rough patches. It’s a serious mental health condition that requires medical care. Its effects can be devastating to the victims and their families if left untreated. About 16 million American adults had at least one depressive episode in the past year. People from all walks of life can experience depression. But with early detection and a successful treatment plan, the path to recovery is within reach.

#7 Slumping Arranged Marriage Future plans are something most of us have thought about at a young age. A Reddit user brought up future plans saying, “I’m 19 and I was in an arranged marriage with someone 25 years my senior. I got married when I was 18. It has to do with a lot of family politics and circumstances that I would rather not get into. But to make a long story short, for now, I’m seeing someone my age and he’s aware of my status. As soon as I finish school and become self-sufficient, I plan on divorcing my husband.” There’s a never-ending debate over love marriage versus arranged marriage. For every relationship to work, there needs to be empathy, respect, and unconditional love. In this case, the young lady started a new relationship to mask the damaged one. She didn’t even try to work things out with her much older husband. In the end, any marriage—whether love or arranged—can be a success or failure.

#8 Hating The Other Half A Reddit user shared a bizarre story of how his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. The user explained saying, “I wasn’t the cheater. I was the cheated-on. She came over to hang out. She brought me food. Tacos. They had sour cream. She knew I don’t like sour cream. I told her I wasn’t going to eat it. I told her I’d leave it on the table for my mom and sis to eat. She flipped and stormed off. That night, she met up with her ex and cheated on me with him. So…she cheated on me because I refused to eat sour cream. Honestly, I was always good to her. Her cheating was not justified.” I agree with the user that the reasoning behind of his ex-girlfriend’s cheating wasn’t justified. She knew that he disliked sour cream, but she didn’t accommodate his taste buds and mentioned the removal of it when she ordered the tacos. It’s a win-lose situation in favor of the man.

#9 Losing Interest In S*x When looking back in her marriage, a Reddit user recalled, “I am a married woman having an affair with a married man. I was faithful for 15 years and then my husband lost all interest in s*x. No matter what I did or tried, he wasn’t interested. I’m in good shape, take good care of myself, and above average in looks. I tried to get my husband to go to the doctor but he refuses. He is able to perform, just doesn’t have an interest. I know it’s nothing personal but it hurts to be rejected over and over again. I was starting to feel ugly and depressed. I thought about leaving but didn’t want to do that to my kids. One night, the kids were at my mom’s and I decided to surprise hubby with new lingerie. I put it on and sat down on the couch next to him. He ignored me and asked me to move because he was watching TV and I was in his way. He didn’t even notice the $100 corset and panties I’d bought at Victoria’s Secret and had been saving for a night with no kids.” As a result, the user cried in the restroom for an hour. After her husband went to bed, she created a profile on Ashley Madison to find a man who was open to dating her. She eventually found a man who was in a similar situation like her. They kept it strictly s*xual and met once a week in different locations—including his office after work hours. However, neither party wanted to tear their family apart, but they both filled in voids of s*x, which is what they both needed.

#10 Working Away From Home Work travel can be both a blessing and a curse. In this Reddit post, a user breaks down his feelings saying, “Here’s the deal. My wife and I have talked in the past about the fact that I get jealous sometimes when she travels for work. It’s usually when she goes to conferences that have multiple late-night parties and stays out late. I’d call that my main trigger.” The user added that he was dealing with a new situation as his wife went to a trade show instead of a conference and hosted a booth. The men in her booth invited her for dinner at 5 pm, which triggered him, causing him to send her a text telling her to let him know when she got in her hotel room safe and sound. She didn’t respond to him until 1:45 am. He didn’t know how to cope with his feelings and had an urge to cheat.

#11 Running Away From Conflict Some people don’t know how to deal with conflict in a relationship. As a result, they run away from conflict, which often leads to resentment. A Reddit user acknowledged that she didn’t love her boyfriend anymore. She went on saying, “I didn’t love him anymore. It had been a year since we last had s*x or even kissed. It was an unhealthy relationship, to say the least. I went out one night and got too drunk and hooked up with someone. That’s how I realized I didn’t love them, because I didn’t even feel guilty after. It was such a relief to experience human contact again. I ended things shortly after. He doesn’t know. Telling him what I did would have made a bad breakup even worse. I am a human trashcan.” When someone commits to a romantic relationship, there will always be some sort of conflict. The user didn’t seem to have brought up the no-kissing issue because the boyfriend was mentally unstable and allegedly got angry whenever she asked him for something more than a hug. They have very different conflicting ideas, which was why she cheated.

#12 Sleeping With A Boss A cheating boss can be just as bad as a straying partner or spouse. A Reddit user recalled saying, “Walked in on my wife of 2 years in bed with her boss. I remember just kind of standing there in shock for a few minutes until she noticed me. When she saw me, I just turned around and left without saying a word. I don’t remember much after that. I kind of blacked out for a few hours—lots of crying, begging to forgive her, etc. Packed my sh*t up and left the next day. Luckily, we didn’t have any kids or a mortgage or any assets, so it was a clean break. In retrospect, I should have seen the signs, but I was young and naive…I guess.” The user saw the positives of the situation. But still, he didn’t deserve to walk in on his wife cheating on her boss. That probably won’t end up in a happily ever after anyway.

#13 Getting Bored At Work In a Reddit thread for married cheaters, a user described his affair after being bored at work one day. He stated, “I’ve been married for the last eight years to my beautiful wife. We have three kids, and I love them more than life itself. I work at a boring a*s office, and that’s what started my problems. A female co-worker of mine started to become friendly, and we play around with each other just to make the day go by. This led to touching, flirting, rubbing, and eventually, it became intimate. It all happened so quickly that before I knew it, we were having s*x in the car before work, in the storage closets, and going on ’business trips’ together. No guilt whatsoever; I never even really thought about it.” Despite the fact that people can lose their jobs, affairs are quite common in the workplace. People tend to mingle in the workplace, and if someone is intentionally or unintentionally seeking a connection, a fellow co-worker is likely to provide it.

#14 Falling For An Older Woman Toxic relationships can lead to breakups, but they can also lead to young men falling for an older woman. We’ve all heard the term “cougar,” and although it may not be an epidemic, it’s certainly on the rise. Most of the time, age gaps in relationships are far greater for people who marry later in life because they want girl toys or boy toys; but let’s focus on young men who are attracted to older women. A Reddit user said that his current relationship was toxic and that he had his eyes on a 37-year-old when he was 19. He claimed, “It was the craziest thing. I worked in the front desk at a clinic within the hospital. She would walk by every day at the end of her shift. She was a nurse on the floor above me. Always in her workout gear. I guess she always saw me checking out her a** when she walked by, idk. But one day, she handed me a napkin that said “Call me :*” and had her phone number. I nearly melted.” He lived out his dream of dating an older woman.

#15 Wanting An Older Man May-December romances are a common trend in Hollywood, but they’re often laced with drama in real life because one or both parties have to leave in messy cases. A Reddit user–with a wife of 12 years along with two young children–wrote a contradictory post saying, “I love my wife. She is a great mother, a great provider for the family, and we make a great team when it comes to raising our kids. However, she leaves me feeling undesired. There was this new girl at work that I became friends with–nothing more–and talked to at work often. She was 17, and I told myself there was no way I was even flirting with or considering getting involved with this girl, even though I was starting to feel an attraction to her. Well, she turned 18. I told her then that we could become Facebook friends, and that led to exchanging numbers, which led to texting, which snowballed down the hill. One day, we went to a party at a friend’s house with a bunch of co-workers, and in a drunken moment, I spilled the beans about having some emerging feelings for her. A week or two later, we kissed for the first time. And then made out.” The good news is that most of these issues can be handled, just like any other relationship issues…regardless of age.

Source: TheRichest