#honestly it is getting harder for me to see it as a mutually toxic relationship 🙃

[indestructiblelittlefuckers]

[Since it was portrayed, even on a romcom show, I think I should give it some weight, so I am gonna talk a little bit about the preseries Ed and violence. And since Izzy is really "wife" coded and the crew family, I am seeing it as a domestic violence.

I think that Ed had violent outbursts in the past, and not just towards the "enemy". It was never that bad, of course, he usually smashed something or hit the wall close/next to someone. Things that didn't seem like anything that they rarely happened really.

And I think after years together Izzy associated that with attention, that at least this was in a fucked up way predictable, something that could be contained, because at least he wasn't risking anyone's life including Ed's. At least he was paying attention to Izzy.

Now, even though I think that Izzy encouraged Ed's Blackbeard, he never pushed Ed to be violent towards the crew...or him. And Ed escalated the pushing against the wall, hitting next to Izzy (there he is) to something that Izzy didn't want to think was possible

All that being said, in our world of writing, I think Ed can be redeemable... but he has to work on it lol.]

[yeoblurbs]

Why Won’t You Love Me

University AU

Pairing: Joshua x Female Reader - Angst with a happy ending, somewhat slow burn, rejected to friends to lovers

Synopsis: Despite the fact that Hong Jisoo has been cold to you from the start, you have only ever looked at him with heart eyes. Except lately it's been harder to pretend like you were fine with his aloof demeanor, and things get much worse when you overhear a conversation you were not supposed to, revealing how Joshua truly feels about you.

WC: 11.6k

Content/Warnings: Mentions of alcohol & drinking, curse words, toxic relationships with siblings, one scene of body shaming/food portion shaming, little bit of Hongjoong from Ateez, shua cries:(, he’s also unreasonable in the beginning, pov switches between yn & shua, Seungkwan is the best friend everyone needs, y/n is a cutie.

a/n: not edited and ending is rushed but yolo

When Hong Jisoo breaks your heart, it comes in a way that hurts more than anticipated.

the two of you shared close mutual friends, and yet, there was a distance that stopped you from becoming any closer. despite the fact that you were often around each other, it seemed as if Joshua did not want to get closer to you. things weren't necessarily awkward, but they certainly weren't comfortable. and that was something you craved immensely, comfort with the person you liked.

though you were not deterred easily. you would ignore the way his smile faltered the moment he saw you, and greet him the same as you would with the rest of your friends; a beaming smile with kind eyes. you would ignore the way he slipped out of conversations that you participated in, staring sadly at his retreating back each time.

and most of all, you ignored the way his genuine smile was never directed at you.

and perhaps you are to blame, for not taking the very obvious hint that Hong Jisoo did not like you. but you were always a little foolish when it came to love, even more so with Joshua. and while you're sure you could have gone months enduring his cold behavior towards you, it all comes to an end at Mingyu's birthday party.

you're getting dressed with Seungkwan, your best friend who knows how you feel about Joshua and your dilemma. He sighs as he lays on your bed, watching you through a frown as you try on your fifth outfit of the night. "Y/n, please, you look good in all of them! Just pick one so we can go." he whines.

you pout back at him, "I promise this is the last one! Be honest, how does it look?"

you're dressed in a tight black cropped tee and a black skirt that hugs your hips well, with sheer stockings underneath. you finish the look off with an oversized black leather jacket.

Seungkwan looks up, "Perfect! Now can we go please?" and you giggle sheepishly, feeling somewhat bad for your best friend.

"Okay, but quick, what about my makeup?" you walk closer and close your eyes, displaying your hard work.

Seungkwan scans your face quickly and flicks your forehead. "It looks good, don't worry."

you jump up and rub your forehead pouting, but happy with his approval.

the two of you leave soon after, and you sit in Seungkwans car feeling jittery at the thought of seeing Joshua tonight.

Seungkwan looks at your wringing hands and smiles softly, "What are you worried about? You know you look gorgeous, and I'll be there with you."

you look to your best friend and sigh as the corners of your lips tug downwards. “You make it sound so easy, but any time we hang out with everyone, Joshua refuses to even look at me." you turn to glance at your reflection in the window, "And even though you’re with me, and everyone else seems to like me just fine, I can't help but want him to like me and stay with me too."

Seungkwan pats your leg sympathetically before returning his hand to the wheel. "Honestly, I don't know why he acts like that either, but maybe tonight will be different. Maybe you'll catch his attention with that outfit you spent ten years choosing." you laugh at his teasing, feeling reassured enough as you see Mingyu's house come into view.

once parked, Seungkwan looks at you and grins encouragingly, "Ready?"

you look up at him nervous, yet determined.

"Ready."

the moment you walk in, you're bombarded with the intense smell of alcohol and sweat. a disgusting mix truly, but Mingyu was notorious for his grand number of friends, so you didn't expect anything about this party to be different.

you grab Seungkwans wrist gently, unnerved by the number of people everywhere.

"You're here! Welcome, Kwannie and Y/n" a booming voice comes, and you smile excitedly at Mingyu.

"Happy Birthday, Minnie!" you jump to hug him and he catches you with ease. you and Seungkwan engage in quick pleasantries with Mingyu as he gives you the rundown of where the beverages and snacks are located. The two of you hand your gifts to him before making your way through the crowd to grab a drink.

Seungkwan pours himself a cup as you opt for a water bottle; you are not trying to get shitfaced in front of Joshua tonight.

"Let's go find the others?" Seungkwan asks, and you nod in agreement, heading up and entering the room closest to the stairway.

you look around, eyes subconsciously searching for Joshua as you study the people sitting on the couch and standing off to the side.

"Y/n! Seungkwan, over here!" you hear someone shout and look to find Hansol, Jihoon, Soonyoung, Jeonghan, and oh, Joshua is there too.

Your stomach feels as if it's in knots as the two of you make your way over to them. you greet them one by one before your eyes land on Joshua.

you smile sweetly at him, “Hey.”

though all he does is nod back with a tight smile and look away. you try not to let his lack of a response affect you, but you're sure it shows on your face as Seungkwan quickly grabs your hand and drags you over to sit down.

when conversations begin to pick up, you try to engage in them happily, though your eyes often drift to Joshua throughout the night, and you feel defeated as he ignores your existence entirely despite participating in the same discussion.

you sigh and stare down at your feet before abruptly getting up; your friends turn to you, and you quickly put on an easy smile looking at everyone but Joshua.

"I'm gonna go get a drink, I don't think this water is going to get me through tonight." you say with an easy grin. they all nod in understanding, though Seungkwan pulls your wrist before you leave.

his wide eyes scan your face, "Do you want me to come with you?"

you shake your head, patting his hair and forcing yourself to smile once more. "I'm okay, I'll be right back, promise."

Seungkwan looks worried, but he lets you go with a reminder. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

you nod, chuckling at his protectiveness as you walk away.

you exhale softly once you're far enough, allowing the sadness you've felt throughout the night to finally show on your face. with a frown, you pour yourself a drink, though you dilute it with some of your water to ensure you don't end up drunk. you take a sip, shoulders sagging at the subtle bitter taste, and head back up toward the boys. except upon reaching the room, you see a pretty girl in your seat.

but that isn't what bothers you, no, it's the way she's engaging in a conversation with everyone else, Joshua included. your chest hurts when you watch Joshua smile and nod at her, eyes sparkling in genuine interest; something you wish he would do with you. you want to run away and isolate yourself in a corner, but you promised Seungkwan you would be back.

you bite your lip and force a cheerful smile on your face as you walk toward them, choosing to stand behind Seungkwan and lean on him since your seat was occupied. Jihoon sees you standing and moves to get up, but you shake your head and urge him to sit back down.

When Seungkwan looks up at you though, his brows furrow and you know you aren't hiding your hurt very well. He stands up beside you and grabs your wrist before turning to your friends, "We're gonna go get some air, we'll come back in a bit." Seungkwan wastes no time dragging you toward the empty balcony.

"What's up? Did anything happen when you went to get a drink? Did anyone bother you?" he asks worriedly, eyes scanning you for any injuries and you quickly shake your head, moving to hug him. "It's not that, nothing happened. I just..."

you sigh into his shoulder, "I don't mean to overreact, but it's so obvious he hates me at this point. Did you see how he was looking at that girl?" you look up to Seungkwan with a sad smile, "I tried so hard to get his attention, not only with this outfit but every time I speak he just won't look my way. But he seemed to like her just fine."

Seungkwan pats your head, and you continue to ramble, "Clearly, the problem is me. At this point, I would rather just hear him reject me." you finish dejectedly.

Seungkwan sighs at your defeated tone.

"Listen, I can't excuse the way he's been acting even if he is my friend. He's being an ass, even if he doesn't like you, you haven't done anything to him for him to treat you that way."

he smiles at you encouragingly, "But, I think you should talk to him about this."

you look at him incredulously, and he laughs at your expression, "Just listen!"

you cross your arms and deadpan. "Okay, I'm listening."

Seungkwan grins gently at you, "I just think if you pulled him aside and forced him to speak with you, he might just be honest and tell you why he's acting that way. There must be a reason, and I think he might tell you if you ask." and though the thought of speaking to Joshua alone and confronting him sounds absolutely terrifying, you figure Seungkwan has a point; maybe there was a logical reason behind his behavior. maybe he would tell you if you asked.

your heart feels lighter at the notion, and you find yourself smiling at Seungkwan as you jump into his arms, "Thank you. For listening to me and the advice and overall just being the best friend ever." you murmur into his shoulder. He pats your back, and you can hear the smile in his voice.

"What else are best friends for, dummy."

ꕥ

and so, with a newfound mindset, the two of you head back to your friends. upon reaching the room, you find the door is closed. Seungkwan moves to open it, before you hear the conversation taking place inside.

"Dude, you have to just tell her soon. I feel so bad when I see her try to get your attention just to see you ignore her." Soonyoungs muffled voice says, and you pull Seungkwans arm away from the knob as you step closer to the door.

"Soonie is right, Joshua. You've put it off for too long now. She's already friends with everyone, there's no getting rid of her and you know one of these days she'll start crying." Jeonghan adds on, and you feel your hands shake as you begin to put the puzzle pieces together on just who they are talking about.

Seungkwan is silent beside you, and the two of you stand still when Joshua speaks. "I know, I know. But... it's so hard." you can hear him exhale tiredly, "She technically hasn't done anything wrong, so I feel guilty that I don't like her. How am I supposed to tell her she makes me uncomfortable with just her presence?" he asks desperately.

Jihoon is quick to respond rationally, "Well, you don't say it like that. You just have to tell her that you can tell she likes you, and while you are flattered, you would appreciate it if she toned her admiration down since it makes you uncomfortable. That's completely valid, Joshua."

A tear slips down your cheek as you take a step back, though you're still close enough to hear Hansol’s voice; you hadn't known that many of your friends were aware of Joshua's discomfort with you, and the realization hurts more than you care to admit. “Just make sure you tell her sooner than later. She looked really hurt when you didn't spare her one glance the whole night but then saw you took interest in Dami."

and if you weren't humiliated before, you certainly were now.

you feel Seungkwan grab your wrist gently, pulling you towards him for comfort, but before you can appreciate the gesture, you hear Joshua speak, wedging a knife into your heart once more.

"I'll see if I can tell her soon. It's just kind of annoying to me, y'know? I have never given her the impression that I like her, so I don't understand why she insists on pushing me so much. She bakes me stuff, stares at me whenever we're all together, and makes me feel like I have to be close with her to not hurt her feelings."

he's silent for a moment before adding the final blow to your heart. "I wish she would just take the hint and leave me alone."

but you've heard enough now; you wipe your cheek and gently shake Seungkwan off before placing your hand on the knob and opening the door. you don't look at your friends' faces, though you can see their mouths open in shock in your peripheral vision. you strut straight towards Joshua, heels clicking as you walk before you stop in front of him.

you observe his pretty parted lips, the way his eyes glimmer when the light hits them just right, and the fact that the boy in front of you who has just shattered your heart is someone you have liked for quite a while.

he opens his mouth, looking to say something, but you didn't think you could handle hearing him speak any longer.

"I'm sorry." you blurt out softly.

"I... you were right, I did like you from the start, and I tried to show it in ways like baking for you and trying to talk to you whenever I had the chance." your voice rings in the quiet room, and the muffled music coming from downstairs makes your head spin.

"I didn't know I made you uncomfortable with my presence, I never would've acted the way I did had I known." your throat hurts and you wish to cry, but as you stand in the middle of the room with your friends and crush looking at you, you hold your tears back.

"I am so incredibly sorry for inconveniencing you all these months. I thought that even though you seemed uninterested, I just had to work a little harder to make you like me, even just as a friend." you smile bitterly as you look into Joshua's widened eyes. "I understand now though, so you won't need to put up with me anymore. I'm sorry that being around me was so hard for you." your voice is laced with heartbreak though it is firm.

you look around at your mutual friends in the room, smiling disappointedly at them, "Well, I'll leave you all to it then. Have a good night, guys."

and with that, you walk out, past Seungkwan, and finally allow the overwhelming amount of tears out.

that night, you wait for Seungkwan in his car while he comes up with an excuse to tell Mingyu, as you two were leaving quite early.

and once you're home, showered, and makeup-free, you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling. you spiral at the thought of Joshua disliking you all along, and you wonder how many of your friends stood there and watched you make a fool out of yourself each time. it feels suffocating; the knowledge that you have been nothing but a pitiful burdensome girl to Joshua and your friends for so long.

but after tonight, you know you need to change.

and so, while on the brink of falling asleep, you make a promise to yourself to never bother Hong Jisoo again; it would be as if you didn't exist, just as he wanted.

your weekend consists of Seungkwan, Jun, and Minghao comforting you. the two had attended the party as well but arrived quite late so you were not able to catch them. Seungkwan updates them on the events that occurred, and while they feel angry with Joshua on your behalf, they are also upset with the rest of their friends who didn't clue you in on how he felt either.

you enjoy the company, however, and attempt to use those two days during the weekend to heal as much as you could; Minghao does some skincare with you, Jun helps you bake a batch of comfort cookies and Seungkwan convinces you to dye some of your hair as the cliche heartbroken people normally do.

and though it all helped immensely, you still feel unprepared at the thought of what Monday brings.

ꕥ

except when Monday arrives, everything feels anticlimactic. you attend class as usual, spend your break with Seungkwan, Minghao, and Jun, and attend your last lecture of the day before heading home. and that should be the end of it.

unfortunately for you, however, nothing is ever in your favor. while exiting the campus, you find yourself running into the last person you want to see; Joshua.

he’s standing a few meters away, back turned towards you while he talks to Jihoon and Hansol. you are not ready to face them, you realize. you move to turn around and find another way home, but Hansol spots you and waves awkwardly, causing Jihoon and Joshua to turn to you as well. you curse internally at his endearingly unsure smile and wave back tight-lipped.

you figure you might as well keep walking now that they’ve seen you. hiking your backpack higher on your shoulder, you make your way toward them. you know they’re all looking at you still, and the knowledge that Joshua has his eyes on you as well makes you want to crawl into a hole and hide for eternity.

you’re not sure if they expect you to stop and greet them, but Jihoon greets you. “Hi, Y/n.”

you nod once in response with an empty smile before continuing to walk home.

while part of you wants to run back and greet the two and Joshua with a happy smile, you haven’t forgotten the promise you made to yourself to leave Joshua alone. and while that normally wouldn’t include your mutual friends, you’re still upset that they hid his immense discomfort from you for so long. you sigh, shaking your head to rid yourself of these thoughts and continue walking home; you would get over Hong Jisoo, you would make sure of it.

-

Joshua stares at your retreating back and hears Jihoon sigh. “Well, she’s definitely pissed at you and I, Hansol. I’ve never seen her look so unhappy with us.”

Hansol nods, face pinched, “I don’t blame her, I can’t imagine how she felt after hearing us talk about her like that.” he sulks, looking in the direction you walked in.

“I need to apologize, there’s no way I’m letting things stay the way they are.”

Jihoon pats his shoulder in agreement.

he glances at Joshua, “So, how did it feel finally getting what you want? Happy that she left you alone?”

Joshua frowns at him, unsure himself why he is not very happy, but decides there must be a reason. “Who knows, it feels too early to tell.” he dismisses, ignoring Hansol's narrowed eyes at his response.

he was probably in shock, he reasons. you’ve been consistent in his life for almost a year now, and despite the uneasiness that came with being in a friend group with you, Joshua was not used to your lack of attention. It’ll feel better soon, he tells himself; if only he knew how wrong he was.

-

you spot your friends again as you begin heading home, though this time they are without Joshua. you sigh before placing your headphones in your ears as you tune out the rest of the world. your eyes are still slightly swollen, courtesy of the humiliating situation you experienced just a few days ago at Mingyu’s party. you have yet to get over it, and the sight of your friends only worsens the heartache. you wonder when the pain will subdue.

you want to be at home, wallowing in self-pity in your bed; the thought makes you move to walk faster until someone grabs your arm. you turn around, jerking your arm with an annoyed expression, ready to tell off whoever grabbed you until you see Jihoon. you tug out your headphones as you press pause on your music.

“What can I do for you?”

Hansol beside him gulps as you take your time to observe him, Jihoon, Soonyoung, and Jeonghan. they all look extremely apologetic, and the sight does diminish some of your pain. some.

“We wanted to say we’re sorry.” Jihoon begins.

the wind blows softly on your face, a contrast to the raging emotions you feel inside of you. the unease you feel surrounded by people who used to make you feel so safe is saddening, but you know none of this is your fault.

Jeonghan moves closer, “There’s no excuse we can give you. We were shitty friends, and that was that. We should have told you about Shua earlier, or defended you. That was on us.”

you stay silent throughout the apology, not exactly pleased with them but willing to hear them out.

“Yeah, and we understand if you aren’t willing to forgive us right away. We’ll work for it.” Hansol interjects. the words sound sincere coming from them all, but you know you’ll need time before you can trust them again.

you nod, face expressionless as the rest of them begin to look dejected.

Soonyoung pouts, “I’m really sorry, Y/n. We all are. And as long as you’re okay with it, we’ll do our best to make it up to you.”

you press your lips together before sighing softly. “Do what you want, no promises that I’ll forgive you right away. You really fucked up and broke my trust.”

the rest of them nod with somber faces at your words, before you wave and begin to turn away, placing your headphones back in your ears. you knew you’d forgive them. it was simply a matter of time for you.

-

The next incident when Joshua sees you is on a Friday afternoon in the library. upon entering, his eyes immediately find you; clad in an oversized hoodie that looks much too cute on you, reading glasses perched on your nose, and your eyes trained on the book in front of you. you look like a dream.

Joshua blinks back to reality at the thought. you look like a nightmare, he corrects himself.

he sighs, choosing to focus on finding the book he needs, skimming through all of the genres and textbooks, unable to find the one for his Chemistry class. he approaches the front desk, speaking lowly to the librarian, “Do you know if the Chemistry 2L5 textbook is available?”

“One moment.” she responds quietly, clicking her keyboard to search for the availability.

she looks up to him with a shake of her head, “Sorry, it’s not available right now. If you’d like, I can add your name to the wait list?”

Joshua's lip juts out in a slight pout, and he is about to accept when someone places the exact textbook he needs next to him.

he looks up and his eyes find yours; you turn to the librarian, “I’d like to return this, please.”

she takes the book from the desk and glances at Joshua, “Looks like you’re in luck, I’ll sign this out for you now.”

he nods, surprised yet pleased, and moves to thank you, but when he looks to the side, you’re gone.

when Joshua walks home that evening, a dazed look in his eye and textbook in his hands, he thinks of you. he had always thought of you as a little too childish and pushy, but as he glances at the book in his arms, he realizes there may be more to you than he initially thought.

-

two weeks have passed since Joshua’s encounter with you in the library, and it is as if you do not exist- or rather, it is as if he doesn’t exist.

he should be celebrating, he should be comfortable; he should be happy. and yet, it feels like something is missing.

he sighs and collapses onto his bed. he doesn’t understand why you ignoring him is bothering him so much. but for someone who really liked him before, you sure are good at avoiding him now. he purses his lips, thinking of your past encounters- or lack thereof.

exhibit a.

Exiting his class, Joshua is startled when he hears Hansol’s honking laughter from across the hall. He chuckles quietly to himself as he walks over to Soonyoung and places a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, what’s Hansol laughing his ass off about?” Soonyoung immediately clues him in, going on a tangent about some embarrassing situation that took place moments before.

except Joshua’s eyes dart to you, a few feet away from him, your arm entangled with Minghao’s. he tunes Soonyoung out, watching you glance at him before whispering something to Minghao and leaving without looking back. Joshua snaps out of his daze once you're out of sight and looks back up, noticing Minghao glaring at him.

Well, it seemed many of his friends were upset with him lately. he realizes he can’t blame them.

and of course, the avoiding didn’t end there.

exhibit b.

Joshua entered the popular cafe next to your campus during his break, knowing it was the group's go-to spot for lunch.

“Shua!” Hansol calls. he looks to the side and sees everyone at the corner table; including you.

Joshua motions to the front, “I’m gonna grab something real quick.”

Hansol gives him a thumbs up in response. Joshua orders a simple sandwich, quickly walking to the table, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

but as soon as he begins unwrapping his lunch, you rise from your chair.

“I actually have a class in 10, so I’ll see you guys later.” you announce, grabbing your bag and leaving with a wave.

Jihoon squints as he watches you leave the cafe, “I thought her class wasn’t for another hour.”

Jeonghan shrugs as he chews, “She probably doesn’t want to be around Shuji. We should give her the space she wants.”

The table is silent for a moment before Soonyoung breaks the awkward atmosphere and everyone speaks again.

Joshua, however, stares at his half-opened sandwich ignoring the conversations around him. suddenly, he did not have an appetite.

but once again, things didn't stop there, leading to:

exhibit c.

“So, who’s house are we meeting at for tonight?” Jun asks no one in particular.

Mingyu sighs dramatically, “Not mine, my place is still trashed as fuck from last week's party.”

Joshua internally rolls his eyes, Mingyu and his weekly parties.

“We can do mine? I’ll text Y/n and tell her we’re doing a movie night.” Minghao suggests, and everyone agrees. Joshua wonders if you’ll come, since you’ve made it your number one goal to not be in the same vicinity of him for the past three weeks. he bites his lip in anticipation, discreetly staring at Minghao typing on his phone as he texts you. he watches Minghao’s brows furrow and lips tug down before he sighs and clicks his phone off.

He lifts his head up, “Y/n can’t make it, but she said ‘Have fun and don’t watch a super scary horror movie or Seungkwan and Soonyoung won’t be able to sleep tonight.’” he giggles as he reads out the last part.

Soonyoung and Seungkwan stand up with matching pouts, yelling all kinds of nonsense but all Joshua can think about is how he’s ruined the entire friend group dynamic from his own stupidity. he wonders if things will ever go back to normal again.

-

another week has passed since you rejected their movie invite, and Joshua feels as though he is losing his mind. it has been well over a month since what occurred at Mingyu’s party, and nothing feels the same. he tries to convince himself that it’s guilt, but even he knows that what he feels goes deeper than that.

but today he can’t think about you; Juyeon, his brother, informed Joshua that he would be visiting tonight. and while lately you’ve been occupying his mind, he knows he has to focus on his brother unless he wants to get scolded.

he sighs for the umpteenth time, staring at the front door of his apartment and waiting to hear the bell. despite knowing it was going to come, he still flinches at the sound. Joshua rises to his feet and inhales deeply before opening the door.

“Hey, Hyung,” he says with a hesitant smile, ignoring the way Juyeon nods in response, face blank.

Juyeon removes his jacket and hands it to Joshua who obediently hangs it up, before sauntering over to the couch.

Joshua quickly takes a seat on the couch in front of him, “I ordered from your favorite restaurant, the food is on the table.” he speaks quietly.

Juyeon ignores what he has said and spreads his legs comfortably, “How have you been doing in school, Jisoo?”

Joshua swallows; suddenly his throat feels dry. “I’m doing well, I’m still at the top of all my classes." his voice is soft, gentle; weak. but he's always been weak when it came to his brother, and it has never gotten better with time.

Juyeon nods, face unreadable, "Okay, good. I expect you to email me your grades when they arrive. Don't disappoint me, Jisoo."

Joshua dips his head, face passive. "I won't, I promise." he stands up, holding his hands behind his back to hide the fact that they are shaking. "Let's eat? I'll get the food ready."

Juyeon nods once again, and Joshua is reminded of his hatred for his mannerisms; his inability to speak if it's not to scold him or ask about his grades.

Juyeon takes a seat at the table, posture straight and face confident as Joshua places the food for his brother first, and himself after.

Joshua is in the midst of placing food on his plate when Juyeon squints his eyes, looking at Joshua's portion. "You're going to eat all of that?" he asks unabashedly.

Joshua pauses, wide eyes looking at his brother as he nods slowly.

it was the wrong answer it seemed, as his brother frowns. "You may want to limit how much you're eating. I noticed as soon as I saw you that you've gained some weight." he dabs a napkin on the sides of his mouth before looking up at Joshua, "You need to keep in good health to take over the company when I'm too old."

Joshua ignores the way his eyes burn, nodding at Juyeon's words, and places half of the food on his plate back in the pot.

The rest of the night goes uneventful, with only a few snide remarks and insults thrown Joshua's way. but that is how it's always been with Juyeon, and Joshua hadn't expected anything different.

when Juyeon leaves, Joshua stands in his apartment alone with an empty stomach. his eyes crystalize with tears and he sniffles, wiping them half-heartedly. he decides to go on a walk, heedless of it being dark outside.

he doesn't know where he's going, but he walks, and walks, until his feet take him to a playground. It's empty, quiet, and dark; the perfect place to cry alone. so he does. he sits on a swing and cries, albeit softly.

he hates his stupid family, and his stupid brother, and the stupid company he has to take over. Joshua hates it all.

he doesn't know how long he sits there crying, but it must be a while as he suddenly feels cold. the night air brushes against his bare arms, goosebumps arising to the touch as he continues to sniffle.

"Um, are you okay?" a hesitant voice reaches out, and Joshua jumps at the sound.

they put their hands up in alarm, "Sorry, sorry! I've just been hearing you cry for the last ten minutes and I finally built the courage to just come and ask-" they step into the dimly lit yellow street light; it's you.

"-if you're okay..." you trail off, arms falling to your sides as you observe Joshua's appearance. Joshua on the other hand, feels horrified; someone he wasn't close to in the slightest caught him crying alone at a park in the middle of the night. he doesn't know what to say as he looks at you with wide teary eyes.

after a moment of staring at each other, you sigh and slowly step closer as Joshua continues to stare at you.

you take a seat on the swing next to him.

"So, what's got you so sad tonight? Did something happen, or was it a particularly sad movie?" you ask quietly.

Joshua certainly isn't in his right mind after all that has occurred in the past hours and decides to stop thinking rationally.

"You know of a movie that would make someone cry in the middle of the night at a park alone?" he asks with a watery smile, and you look back at him sheepishly.

"Not really, but I figured I would give you an out if you didn't wanna talk," you shrug. Joshua appreciates the sentiment.

the two of you sit in silence for another minute, until a harsh gust of wind causes Joshua to sneeze. your eyes dart to his bare arms as he sniffles, brows furrowing. "Dude, why would you leave the house without a jacket at this time?" you berate worriedly.

Joshua sulks when he looks at your concerned eyes, "I wasn't really... in the right state of mind." he whispers. you nod in understanding, before standing up and unzipping your oversized sweater.

Joshua watches you wearily as you walk over to him, stopping in front and bending down to his eye level, before gently placing your sweater around his shoulders. he stares into your eyes confused, but his shoulders sag as the feeling as warmth and comfort overtake his senses.

"Put your arms in, hurry up before you catch a cold." you remind, smiling when he listens and does as you ask.

he's missed your smile, he thinks.

he looks up at you once putting his arms in, and you nod in approval before gesturing to the zipper.

"You do it," Joshua says petulantly, and you look at him with an incredulous face before sighing in exasperation and doing as he asks. he is definitely going to be embarrassed when he wakes up tomorrow, but you've already seen him sob alone before this, so he figures his dignity can take one more hit.

you stand up when you're done, and Joshua murmurs a "Thank you," covering his face with his sweater-covered palms, enjoying the warmth it brings to his cold cheeks.

"I should get going, I'm really not trying to get kidnapped by going home any later than this," you say, and Joshua looks up, trying to ignore the pit of disappointment he feels at the knowledge you are leaving.

you smile faintly at him, "I'll see you around, Joshua. Don't worry about returning the sweater, you can just give it whenever you have the chance."

you turn to leave, until-

"Wait."

you turn back to him in confusion, and Joshua knows he needs to take this chance to make everything right; apologize, ask for forgiveness, and suggest starting over. you have been plaguing his mind for too long now, and after tonight, Joshua knows that he doesn't want to be strangers with you. he wants to get to know you as a person; as a friend, and to do that, he needs to apologize.

Joshua stands up, hands curling on the ends of his sleeves- your sleeves, "I... I just wanted to apologize." he starts, watching your brows furrow.

"For what?" you ask softly, sounding genuinely confused, and Joshua feels like the biggest asshole to exist.

"For everything!" he says frustrated.

"I... was so horrible to you from the start. I didn't even get to know you before I started disliking you, and it's been eating at me for the past month, but I regret every single thing I said that day." he bites his lip, sniffling, and stares at your feet, refusing to look at your face.

"You were never the problem, it was me. I think I got nervous that you liked me and were so forward, but that didn't mean you deserved to be ignored like that, or talked about behind your back." Joshua is breathless at the end of his apology, and he looks to see you staring at him with surprised eyes. "Um... you don't have to forgive me right away- or forgive me at all, of course! but, and I know this is a long shot, but if you were by chance open to it, I'd like to start over with you... as friends?" he finishes hesitantly, chest rising with each breath as he awaits your response.

when you seem to process everything he's said, you blink harshly and look into his eyes with a friendly smile, "Thank you for your apology, Joshua. It means a lot." you turn, starting to walk away.

Joshua's shoulders sag in defeat; he figures this was your wordless rejection to his proposal, until you turn back around.

"Sure though, let's start over!" you call out, voice echoing slightly in the silent neighborhood.

Joshua's eyes light up, smiling widely as he nods back at you.

that night, once Joshua is back in his apartment dressed in pajamas and drowning in the soft covers on his bed, he stares at the sweater on his desk with a giddy smile, shoving his face into his pillow with a happy noise.

he was so excited to see you tomorrow.

ꕥ

“So what, he apologized and you just forgave him?! just like that?” Seungkwan yells, looking at you as if you were crazy.

you giggle at his wide-eyed expression, “Yes, I did. It was a very genuine apology, okay?” but he shakes his head at you in response.

Minghao interjects from his place on your desk chair, “Lighten up, Kwannie. Y/n can make the decision for herself. I’m sure she knows better than us whether or not she can trust him,” he takes a bite out of the apple in his hand, “After all, she’s the one who he hurt the most. She would be more skeptical than us.”

Jun nods, “And I’m sure he won’t do anything like that again. Y/n ignored him for so long which clearly made him react.” he shrugs, moving to pat your head in comfort.

You smile at their responses, “Exactly! Don’t worry Kwan, I won’t get hurt again. I expect quite literally nothing from him.” while you are endeared by Seungkwan's overprotective behavior, you don’t regret forgiving Joshua. you know had you rejected his apology, you would’ve regretted it.

Seungkwan sighs, moving to hug you with a pout, “Okay, as long as you’re sure Y/nie.”

he grabs your face in front of his and squishes your cheeks, “Just promise me you’ll tell me if he does something again, I’ll beat him up!”

“Okay! I promise.” you remove his hands from your face laughing, before Minghao interrupts, “Beat him up with what muscles? You’re about as weak as they come.” he teases, but shuts up when Seungkwan levels him with a glare.

you giggle as they bicker, standing off to the side and watching them with Jun. you had told them part of what happened with Joshua. you just cut out the entire fact that he was sobbing uncontrollably, figuring it was a personal thing.

and so, things have changed once again.

the next time you see Joshua, he’s with the others. you greet them all with a cheerful grin, smile widening when Joshua waves at you and blushes. you assume he’s still embarrassed about last night, and though you should feel bad, you find his reddened cheeks look very cute.

“So! What are we doing for lunch?” you lilt, leaning your head on Minghao's shoulder.

he wraps his arm around you, "Nothing at this rate. These losers are still fighting over where to eat."

that was not the correct thing to say it seemed, as they began quarreling with him now. you sigh and clap your hands loudly, "Okay! Sucks for all of you, I'm choosing now, and I say we go to the cafe like we normally do."

the rest of them stay silent and agree begrudgingly, and you giggle as you step out of Minghao's arm and take the lead to walk there. you hear footsteps get closer to you, and turn assuming it is Seungkwan, until you look up and see Joshua.

you raise your eyebrows and smile, "Hi. You okay?"

Joshua presses his lips together and nods. you notice his cheeks are still a little pink. you bite your lip to stop yourself from grinning.

"Yeah, uh, the others didn't wanna go to the cafe at first because they wanted to try somewhere new, but we couldn't agree on a place." he rubs the back of his neck sheepish, and your stomach jumps slightly when you realize he's actually engaging in a conversation with you.

but you're not as nervous around him as you were before, the blissful innocent feelings you harbored for him have simmered down into a muted version of what was once so intense.

you nod understandingly, "Ah, I see. Too bad for them then." you shrug, and Joshua chuckles at your demeanor.

you arrive at the cafe and everyone goes to order their food. you take a seat right away, however, as you bought your lunch in the morning. you take it out of your bag, unwrapping it as someone takes a seat in the chair beside you. you look up to see the last person you'd expect; Joshua.

he promptly ignores your questioning face and unwraps his own lunch. "So, how were your classes, Y/n?"

you squint your eyes before shaking your head, “Good, good. except my first one, I got paired with someone I don’t really like, but it’ll be okay.”

Joshua is surprised, finding the idea that someone upset you so much you disliked them very shocking, “Oh, what did they do for you to not like them?” he asks curiously.

you open your mouth to respond, but the rest of your friends arrive with their own food. you smile at Joshua, “I’ll tell you another time.”

his bottom lip pushes out unintentionally, and you giggle as you look away from him.

the next thirty minutes consist of the familiar comforting atmosphere that existed between you and the others, before Minghao calls out to you from across the table.

“Y/n, Hongjoong was asking about you the other day.” he wipes his mouth as he speaks, arms folding on the table as he leans over. the table has quieted down, all eyes staring at you with raised brows.

you tilt your head, “Oh? What for?”

“I think he’s into you. He asked for your number, but I figured I’d ask before giving it out.”

Joshua shifts in his seat beside you, an uncomfortable look taking over his face. what was this deep pit he feels in his stomach? he frowns as he watches you smile shyly. “Ah, I see. I don’t know him that well, but you can give him my number.”

Joshua’s breath hitches at your words, and the rest of the table goes completely silent. you to look around in confusion as your cheeks puff out, “What?”

the ruckus picks up again, Hansol waving his hands awkwardly, “Nothing, nothing! We just didn’t know you were interested in dating right now.”

Joshua’s heart drops at the word. you were interested in dating? he wants to pout, why would you go out with this Hongjoong guy when you liked him just a little while ago?

“I’m not saying i’ll date him, I’m just saying you can give him my number and i’ll see where things go, that’s all!” you smile reassuringly, though all it does is make Hansol nod unconvinced.

Joshua knows the others are just as shocked as he is, especially since your feelings for him were not exactly a secret. but you giving your number to Hongjoong meant something has changed. either you wanted a new friend, or you’ve moved on from Joshua.

he finds the latter an upsetting thought.

ꕥ

“Who’s that?” Joshua asks, brows furrowed slightly as his eyes narrow.

Jun’s lips tug upward at the sight of Joshua’s face, “Hongjoong.”

Joshua’s head whips to Jun, “That’s him? He isn’t even her type!”

Jun chuckles at his friends’ words. “And who exactly is her type?” he leans his face closer, eyes mischievous, “You?”

“I never said that. I just meant she’s out of his league.” Joshua huffs, crossing his arms. Jun shakes his head at Joshua who is still burning stares into your back as you giggle at Hongjoong’s words.

what exactly was he saying that was so funny? Joshua could be funny too. why were you standing so close to him too? did he know a thing about personal space? Joshua doesn’t know what expression is on his face, but it must be comedic as Jun beside him bursts into giggles.

“If you like her, maybe you should just confess?”

Joshua splutters, “I do not like her! I’m merely…concerned for her well-being.”

Jun nods, rolling his eyes. “Uh huh, sure.”

there was no way he could like you. the two of you were only just getting to know one another properly! especially after the past events, Joshua was simply glad you accepted him as a friend. he could not like you now after rejecting your advances for so long as well.

“I’m serious. I do not like her.” Joshua stares at the glimmer in your eyes, the pretty color of your lips that stretch into a grin, and the way your hair falls perfectly around your face. “There’s no way I could possibly…”

but then his eyes dart to the man before you, eyes scanning the flirty smirk that is directed towards you as you tuck a lock of hair behind your ear. Hongjoong moves closer, arms wrapping tightly around your waist as you move yours around his neck, and Joshua bristles. when the two of you part, he exhales rather dramatically.

turning to Jun, Joshua presses his lips together. “Okay. Maybe I like her.”

Jun cackles, lips curving into a grin, “Yeah, I could tell.”

Joshua looks at his friend, expression hopeless, “Fuck. What do I do?”

-

“I refuse! I reject you! Not even in one thousand years!”

Seungkwan grabs a couch pillow and chucks it at Joshua as he hides behind Jihoon. Minghao is trying to calm Seungkwan down, pulling at his arm gently but all Seungkwan does is glare harder at Joshua from across the room.

“You can’t like her now! You had your chance, you fucked up and now she’ll date Hongjoong and you can suffer!” Seungkwan laughs wickedly at Joshua’s fear, and he can hear Hansol’s barely contained giggle from the corner of the room as well.

Jihoon intervenes calmly, “Kwannie, that’s not your choice to make. Y/n can decide for herself. Joshua just wanted to tell you because you’re her best friend and you mean a lot to her.”

Seungkwan pouts, cheeks puffing out cutely as he falls rather dramatically onto the couch. “Yeah well, you should’ve seen her the night your best friend Joshua said she makes him uncomfortable to a bunch of people she thought were her friends.”

the room quiets at that, Jihoon not exactly having a response as even he knows the night of Mingyu’s party was something that impacted you and your friendship with most of them.

“Listen…” Joshua stands up, hands falling from Jihoons shoulders as he moves to the side. “I fucked up. I know, I admit it, okay?”

Seungkwan crosses his arms, head tilting up as he listens.

“But I’m really trying here, Kwannie. I should’ve given her a chance before, but I didn’t and that was on me. This time won’t be like before, I’ll be the one chasing her, I promise.”

he walks forward, closer to Seungkwan as Jun, Hansol, Minghao and Jihoon watch in silence. “I’d really like it if you could also give me a chance, I’m sorry I was a horrible friend to you and Y/n. I’ll do my best to make it up to you both.”

Seungkwan deflates, “Y/n especially.” he seems to have given up on his anger after Joshua’s apology, and Joshua smiles happily at the notion.

“Y/n especially.” he repeats.

ꕥ

"Mingyu, hi!" you greet with a giddy smile, moving to hug the tall man as you enter his home.

he grins back, "Y/n!", and sweeps you off your feet, spinning you around as you giggle like children. the rest of your friends watch with amused expressions as he places you down, ruffling your already messy hair even more. you turn to look at the rest of them, "What are we waiting here for, why haven't you guys set up?"

you walk into the living room, placing your basket of snacks down, and beginning to put pillows on the floor. it was movie night, which meant you and the others met up at Mingyu's house and all watched a movie that the majority voted on. tonight it was either The Little Mermaid, or The Exorcist. two very different options, and you were voting for The Exorcist; Seungkwan was the funniest when watching horror movies.

“We were waiting for you to show up.” Jihoon interjects from across the room, beginning to help you place pillows and blankets on the floor.

you stand up, stretching as your arms go up, “Ah, my bad. Well i’m here now!”

you all begin to take your seats on the pillows, snuggling into the blankets. you sigh, content, turning to the side and smiling at Seungkwan. you look to your right to see who is sat beside you there, and lo and behold, there sits Hong Jisoo. your heart jumps for a moment at the close proximity, and you mentally berate yourself for it. you promised yourself you would move on from him, so why was he sticking to you like glue now?

Joshua smiles, “Are you excited to watch The Little Mermaid?”

“Yeah, but I was looking forward to seeing Kwannie all scared. It’s too bad.” you puff out your cheeks, pouting, until Seungkwan hits you with a pillow beside you and you burst into giggles.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” you plead through laughs, falling onto your back as your head lands in Joshua’s lap. Seungkwan stops his assault, causing you to look up with a breathless smile, and you find yourself face to face with Joshua.

he looks at you so sweetly, your heart jumps; the smile on your face falls. you look up at him with wide eyes as you realize your current position.

he looks down at you with an amused grin, “You good?”

you immediately sit up, ignoring the butterflies that run rampant in your stomach.

“I’m good.”

the rest of the boys watch your interaction closely, before Jihoon sighs loudly and presses play on the movie.

you sit with your knees to your chest, trying your best to focus on the movie and not the boy on your right. you knew getting over him was not going to be an easy task, but his sudden friendly behavior has made it hard to make any progress.

half way through the movie you feel him lean closer, “Don’t you think Flounder is cuter in the live action?” he whispers into your ear.

you barely register the words, shocked with the closeness. “Yeah, his voice actor is that kid from Wonder.” you whisper back, glancing at the others to see if they noticed you two speaking. they all remain focused with the television, and you feel silly for thinking you had anything to hide.

Joshua nods beside you, subtly moving closer until your shoulders are touching. the skin on your arm tingles with the warmth, and your mind scrambles for some sort of reasoning as to why he was acting this way.

the movie finishes soon after, with you quickly standing up and excusing yourself before heading to the bathroom.

your face looks flushed in the mirror; you hate that Joshua still manages to get you so flustered.

you slap both of your cheeks, closing your eyes as you take a deep breath. you can do this. you will get over Hong Jisoo.

you exit out of the bathroom, finding most of the guys passed out on the couch, save for Seungkwan, Jihoon and Joshua. you ignore Joshua’s intense stare as you head straight for Seungkwan. you wrap your arms around him, “Ready to go?”

Seungkwan pats your back, “Yeah, let me grab my keys and we can leave.”

you turn, watching as Seungkwan says his goodbyes to Jihoon, though your attention falls onto Joshua when he takes steps towards you. you tilt your head up, crossing your arms, “I’ll see you around, Joshua.”

“Don’t avoid me anymore, okay?” he asks, “We’re friends now, right?”

you hadn’t exactly thought the two of you were close, but you supposed friends was okay. after all, he’s already apologized to you and you’ve seen him in a fairly intimate setting; him crying in a playground at night. you sigh softly at the reminder of that night.

“Yeah. Friends.” you smile, arms uncrossing as he moves to hug you. you wrap your arms around his back, unsure, as he tugs you close. you can smell the subtle cologne coating his skin as you inhale, hating the way you enjoy the scent.

the two of you part, and you say your goodbyes to Jihoon as well. you leave with Seungkwan, feeling more confused than ever. you had given up on Joshua, not only romantically but as a friend. you feel conflicted, but you suppose you should take things as they go.

it wasn’t like he liked you, so all was well. you can still get over your feelings for him as you stay friends, you’re sure of it!

-

you are not sure of anything. ever since your night meeting Joshua at the park, he’s been acting weird; clingy.

and there was nothing wrong with being clingy, you adore your friends who cling to you and shower you with affection! but Hong Jisoo was no ordinary friend of yours, and you find yourself stumped at his behavior. in the span of three weeks, he has baked you cookies; you specifically.

“I baked these just for you, will you try them?” he smiled sweetly. you simply nodded in response.

he’s also waited for you after class; “Y/n!” he shouted, waving with a cute smile as he stands off to the side. you looked at Joshua in shock, before walking towards him and tilting your head, “What’re you here for?”

“You!” he grinned, “Let’s go find the others, i’m starving.” your eyes scan his face, looking to see if this was some sick joke, but he was completely serious. you walk side by side as you meet up with your friends, shrugging when Seungkwan looks at you two with raised brows. you didn’t know either.

what really did it for you however, was his behavior when you mentioned meeting Hongjoong again.

“Yeah, Hongjoong is gonna be at the party, so I…” the smile slipped from his face as soon as you brought it up, causing you to trail off as you tilt your head.

your brows furrow as you stare at Joshua, “I told him I’d meet him there.”

you bite your lip, figuring you should just ask. “Are you okay? You look kind of annoyed.”

Joshua’s face changes immediately as he forces a smile, “Yeah, yeah. I just didn’t know you and Hongjoong were still talking.”

“Oh, yeah, we haven’t stopped. He’s really sweet, we get along well!” you smile happily as you speak, and though Joshua smiles back at you, you feel something off about his demeanour.

“Oh! That’s good, that’s good.”

you pause. he doesn’t sound as genuine as he normally does. he almost looks… Jealous? you try to scrap the thought immediately, but it stays with you as you go about your days.

ꕥ

you’re getting ready for Mingyu’s party, thinking about the fact that Joshua and Hongjoong are going to be in the same vicinity. you just hope it won’t be awkward, but why should it be? the guy you used to like and the guy that currently liked you. that isn't odd in the slightest.

but that doesn't stop you from overthinking it as Seungkwan sighs loudly behind you. you feel a sense of deja vu as he waits for you on your bed, though this time you are not attending the party in hopes of catching Joshua's attention.

much has changed, you realize. you figure any change is a good change, even if your feelings for Joshua were still there.

"Let's go?" you ask with a cheery smile. Seungkwan nods before getting up and shrugging his jacket on. the two of you arrive somewhat late; a consequence of you taking time to get ready.

the moment you walk into the house you are reminded why you dislike parties, until Seungkwan grabs your hand and you relax. you look around, though before you are able to find a familiar face you feel Seungkwan pull you aside. you look up once you are out of the crowd, finding your friends.. and Joshua. you suppose you should consider him part of your friends now, but he was always going to be a little different to you.

"Y/n! Seungkwan! Where have you guys been?" Soonyoung yells, and Seungkwan responds with a shake of his head as he points his finger at you.

you giggle unapologetically, "My bad!"

the rest of them begin to make conversation, before you feel someone stand next to you causing you to look up. you find Joshua, clad in a white button-up and black pants. his sleeves are rolled to his elbow, and you struggle not to ogle his hands.

he smiles, "You look good."

you look down at your outfit abashed, smiling back as you sigh softly, "Thanks, you too."

Joshua opens his mouth, but before he can speak, someone calls your name.

"Y/n?"

you look behind Joshua, finding Hongjoong. "Oh! Hongjoong, hi!"

he walks closer to you, looking at your outfit from head to toe with a small grin, "I've been looking for you. You look gorgeous tonight."

the rest of your friends sit silent, including Joshua who stands off to the side with his arms crossed. you shift nervously as all attention is on you.

"Let's get a drink?" Hongjoong suggests. your eyes dart to Joshua's, finding that he looks rather annoyed. you know you need to get over him, however, so you accept as Hongjoong takes your hand in his, whisking you off to another room.

"What the fuck was that?" Jihoon asks once you’re gone, and the rest of them shrug in response.

Seungkwan takes a sip of Minghao's drink, ignoring his friends' incredulous expression as he responds, "They've been texting, so it makes sense that he'd wanna see her tonight. Sucks for Joshua but looks like my little Y/n has moved on."

Joshua glares at Seungkwan before his eyes find you, across the room, drink in your hand and Hongjoong by your side. that should be him, beside you.

but then he remembers the last time you were here, and knows he has no one but himself to blame.

"I'm going to get a drink," Joshua announces, stalking off before he gets a reply.

Jihoon sighs once Joshua is gone, "Seriously, Seungkwan?"

"What?" Seungkwan pouts.

ꕥ

the rest of the night goes by fast; you enjoy your time with Hongjoong, finding his personality and yours mesh well.

but you can’t shake off the feeling that you don’t see him romantically. perhaps it is your unresolved feelings for Joshua, but you know you can’t lead him on much longer. you’ve tried to move on, but involving another person was not something you wished to do.

it’s almost 12:00am, and your feet are beginning to hurt so you tell Hongjoong you’re going to leave. he moves to hug you, arms wrapping around you tightly as you hug him back.

but once you part, he pauses. he stares at your face, and you stare back up at him. your eyes are wide as he leans closer, and you know he is about to kiss you. you know you need to reject him, and reject him now.

but before you can, you feel someone grab your arm and you are ripped away from Hongjoong’s embrace.

you blanch, looking up at- Joshua.

he looks annoyed, smile nowhere to be seen as he stands tall. he glances at Hongjoong, “We should get going, you’ll see each other another day!”

you hear Hongjoong yell “What the fuck?!” as Joshua tugs you down the hall and into a room.

you follow, too stumped to pause and ask him what the hell he was doing. he shuts the door, finally letting go of you as you look up at him as though he is crazy.

“What the fuck, Joshua?”

you look around, finding yourself in the same room you were in when you overheard Joshua on that night.

he stands off to the side, silent once again but you aren’t having it this time.

“No, you need to say something, Joshua. That was so disrespectful to Hongjoong-”

“Please, enough about Hongjoong.” he interrupts.

you scoff, “Is that what this is about? You always seemed weird when I talked about him but I don’t understand why. You can’t just hate him for no reason.”

you feel your hands shake beside you as you question Joshua, unsure and angered that he would do something so rude in front of someone you considered a friend. because even if you didn’t like Hongjoong romantically, he was someone you cherished as a person.

Joshua sighs, “I have my reasons.”

you roll your eyes at him, “Care to elaborate? That’s not enough to justify your behavior back there.”

Joshua is silent once again. you observe the way he fiddles with his sleeves; he looks almost nervous, and you feel yourself calm down at the notion.

“Is something wrong? Did I do something? Or did he do something?”

Joshua shakes his head firmly, “It’s not you. And it’s not him either. Well, it’s kind of you, but also me.”

you’re at a complete loss now, “Please, just explain Joshua.”

the silence is deafening. the loud music blares through the door behind you, muffled lyrics that you can’t bring yourself to decipher as you stare at Joshua across the room. what could possibly be so important that he had to interrupt your goodbye with Hongjoong? especially in the manner he did it? you are completely confused.

Joshua sighs, glancing at the floor before staring directly at you. your heart jumps as your eyes meet.

“I like you. I have feelings for you.”

your breath comes to a halt and your hands shake once more, this time for a reason other than anger.

“What do you…”

he sighs, ruffling his hands through his hair. “I started liking you somewhere along the way after that night at the park. I should’ve done things differently.”

your lips part at his confession.

“I should have never avoided you, I should have apologized as soon as you heard me. And I shouldn’t have ruined your chances with Hongjoong back there.”

he looks sulky and annoyed, “But he was going to kiss you! And I hadn’t even gotten to confess. I know it’s unfair, but I couldn’t have let him have the chance to kiss you before I told you how I felt. I’m sorry.”

he’s out of breath by the end of his apology, and you find yourself utterly stumped at the confession. of all things, you were not expecting the man you have been chasing for a year to suddenly confess.

but before anything else, you needed to clarify things. “Joshua, I wasn’t going to kiss him.”

his brows furrow, “Yes you were, he was leaning closer to kiss you, Y/n.”

you huff out a laugh at the anger coating his words, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to kiss him.”

“Oh…” he mumbles. “So you don’t like him then?”

you shake your head with a shy smile, “No, actually. There’s this other guy I’ve been interested in for a while now.”

Joshua perks up, “Oh really? Do I know him by any chance?”

he takes slow steps towards you, hand darting out to gently grasp yours, fingers intertwining as he squeezes softly. you stare into his brown irises,

“Hmm.. dunno. You may have met once or twice.”

Joshua leans closer, breath fanning your face as he bends down. “Just to be clear, we are talking about me, right?” he asks lowly.

you tilt your head up, rolling your eyes with a smile, “Yes, doofus. Who else would I be talking about?”

he frowns, “Well, you could’ve easily been talking about Hongjoong, since-”

you roll your eyes once more before grabbing his face and pulling him towards you. you interrupt his rambling, “I’m going to kiss you, so if you want to run away, now is the chance.”

“Like I’d run away after pining after you for so long,” he scoffs, leaning in and capturing your lips with his.

his lips feel soft against yours, moving slowly as you push forward, deepening the kiss as your hands shake. his left arm moves to wrap around your waist as his right one tilts your head up, maneuvering you into the perfect position. you know you need air but Joshua’s lips make you delirious.

“Jisoo.” you pant, breaking away.

he presses another kiss to your lips, “Mm?”

your hands push gently at his chest, “That was great, but I need air.”

he smiles at your comment, pearly teeth coming into view. he tucks a lock of hair behind your ear, “Whatever my girl wants.”

your chest warms at his words as you push him away with another roll of your eyes. he laughs softly at the action, only pulling you closer as he pecks your temple.

ꕥ

“So, what did you end up telling Hongjoong?” Seungkwan asks, eyes wide and lips parted curiously.

you sigh, “I just told him I was interested in someone else and that I was sorry. He was really sweet about it and promised we’d stay friends.”

Minghao exhales, shaking his head, “Wow. What a nice guy. You sure you didn’t make the wrong choice, Y/n?”

Joshua tugs you into his embrace tighter as he glares at Minghao, “Haven’t I learned my lesson already?”

Minghao sticks his tongue out at him in response causing you to shake your head with a laugh.

Hansol snorts across the room, “Children, I tell you.”

the rest of them begin bickering with one another as you sink into Joshua’s embrace. so perhaps happy endings did exist, even for someone like you. the love and care you so desperately craved from Joshua seemed like a wishful dream, only coming true when you had truly given up.

but you appreciate the journey that led you to where you are now. with a new friend; Hongjoong, and a closer bond with your current friends who made mistakes and made it up to you, you know happiness is not a mere myth.

as Joshua wraps his arms around you and places his chin above your shoulder, you smile at the scene of your friends surrounding you. everything you’ve ever needed was right there.

Extra:

“What did you want to talk about, Jisoo?” Juyeon asks distractedly, the soft sound of pages turning echoing through the phone.

you are seated beside Joshua, hand in his as his other one holds up his phone to his ear. you squeeze once, shooting him a reassuring smile as he smiles shakily back.

“I’m not taking over the company.”

the sound of ruffling papers pauses, a deafening silence comes before his brothers low voice asks, “What?”

Joshua sits up straight. “I’m not taking over the company. I don’t want to.”

“Have you forgotten why you must take over the company? It’s your responsibility! You cannot just refuse!” his brothers' voice sends shivers down his spine; a result of the exhausting power dynamic that has always existed between the two. but Joshua was done with that life, he was done playing the quiet little brother who did everything Juyeon asked for.

a glance at your encouraging face has his heart seizing up. he could do this, if not for himself then for you.

Joshua sighs quietly, “I’m paying for my own tuition, so I’ll choose what I want to study. I’m done with the company, and I’m done with you, Juyeon.”

“That is not your decision to make, Jisoo!” Juyeon shouts, voice so loud your eyes widen as you hear it. Joshua squeezes your hand to let you know he’s okay. he wishes things could have been different.

“Actually, it is. You hold no power over me. I don’t want to hear from you unless it’s an apology. I’ll talk to you some other time, Juyeon-hyung. I hope you grow into a better person and become a better brother. As much as I wish things didn’t have to be this way, I know they have to be for now.”

his voice begins to tremble as he sucks in a deep breath, “Goodbye, Hyung.”

he removes the phone from his ear, finger pressing the end button even as he continues to hear Juyeon yell.

Joshua sighs, placing his phone face down on the couch beside him.

“How was it?” you ask, though you already know the answer. Joshua smiles, somewhat forced as he collapses into your arms.

he inhales softly, “I just need my Y/n hugs and I’ll be okay.”

you run a hand through his hair as you kiss the top of his head, “Sure, that and Y/n’s food. Don’t think you’re getting away with sleeping and not eating dinner.”

he groans and picks his head up, lip jut out as you kiss his pout away. “No pouting, eat and then sleep! I’ll be here the whole time.”

he drops his head on your chest, snuggling back into you, “Yeah, that’s the best part.”

you smile down and peck his head once more. you truly were so lucky.

@scuzmunkie ;>

[leftclown]

My favourite hozier songs are in a week and I, carrion. I'd love to know what that says about me

I'm gonna do them all bc I know it's tough to pick a favourite with him. Also I think it's funny because I went on about how most of his songs are not genuine love songs and then you picked three that actually are genuine love songs

1. Obscurity rating (again, the higher the more obscure)

I, Carrion - 2.5/5; One of the more popular songs on Unreal Unearth, I think most people who keep their finger on the pulse would know about this song but it's not one of his hits. A casual listener might know about this song just because it's new and he's gone viral this year. I think if you ask me again in a year or two I may rank it like a 3/5.

In a Week - 2.5/5; This one equals out because anything from his first album (except take me to church) is automatically gonna be a little higher on that scale, but also, this song is like a queer cult classic. All the gays want to lay down in the woods and decompose together.

I Could be Yours - 5/5; I mean admittedly I didnt even know this one existed. It's an unreleased song so I dont think you can get more obscure than that :^)

2. My assumptions about you

I don't want want to get invasive but dude you're like pinemaster 5000. Prince of Pining. You might pine more than Hozier himself.

All of these are incredibly romantic songs and they all convey like...honestly a submissive position compared to the subject of his love. So I do kind of assume that in a relationship you take on the role of service, your primary love language may even be acts of service. I think that you maybe pine for the kind of relationship where you serve and the other protects, built on mutual respect and not a power imbalance, because there are plenty of love songs of his that explicitly talk about toxic or abusive or imbalanced situations but these are not it. The fact that you are drawn to these shows an appreciation for gentleness in love. And Devotion.

It did not escape my notice either that 2/3 of these songs have to do with death/dying/being a corpse. I don't know what to make of that besides that you have an affinity for death and morbidity (affectionate-- I do too).

3. My Opinion

I, Carrion - It's a really beautiful song, it is one of those that I expect to hit me a lot harder than it does now. This happened with de selby pt 1 where when I first heard it I didnt care for it and then one day, I started crying while listening to it.

In a Week - CW for pettiness; I don't like this song very much, but for admittedly dumb reasons. Its undeniably a beautifully macabre song with strong vocals and good lyrics, so I can appreciate it from an artistic standpoint.

However, there was a period of time before Wasteland, Baby came out that Hoziers queer listeners were like "Hozier is a sapphic icon let's go rot in the woods together". Its 100% peoples rights to feel that way and I understand why they do but I, a gay man, have never felt sapphic once in my life. This song was the exemplary standard of what people expected from Hozier at that time, and it was so strongly associated with sapphic feelings by its reception that I just never cared for it.

I Could Be Yours - You are actually the person who introduced me to this song, and I fuckin love it. Granted, when I was younger I serenaded my husband during our courtship with the song "I Wanna be Yours" by Arctic Monkeys....very much the same sentiment I think. That may also be why he has never released a studio version of it. I love that its folksy, but I would also love to see what he'd do with it in a studio. I just love love love songs that he hollars in.

[littledamadelfuego]

hello!. i hope you can help me this synastry chart with my bf. it’s my first relationship and step into a hard, karmic one. it’s long distance- makes everything harder. we started our relationship online- when we first met it was out of world. I fell in love with him the way I see him, I can't stop getting excited next to him for a second. Wherever, whatever we're doing, I just want to look at him, touch him - or him touching me. There were many times that I wanted to run away from the intensity of my feelings - I even ghosted him. I've noticed more than once - he lives more intensely these feelings. he is more jealous and obsessive. Especially after we have sex- he gets more obsessed. Long story short I am suffering what aspects can cause this?

Hello, thank you for your question!

So, just as a disclaimer I am not an asteroid astrologer-- but I am also going to tell you that there is so much going on here that you really don't even need them to see what may be causing all of this, but I'm sure that they are only adding to everything else that's going on here.

The first thing that I would immediately notice is how your 8th and 12th houses are overlayed. These are both very deep and intimate houses and not only are yours overlaying but you've got a Sun, Moon, and Mars conjunction happening here, and to further magnify the intensity this is all happening in Scorpio!!!

I can see why this is so magnetic because with your joint Scorpio placements (I am a Scorpio stellium myself, so I want to share where exactly I'm speaking from) you two are both inclined to crave a deep & passionate relationship in some way, particularly the individual with the Moon & Mars in Scorpio-- these are both emotional planets-- and the fact that they are sitting on the other's Sun, this implies that there is an emotional understanding as well as a physical understanding. Sun-Mars aspects can represent a strong, but volatile attraction as well.

Of course, with this all happening in the 8H it shows that sex is highly integral to this relationship, and for the 8H sun, I think this can be addictive because anything related to the 8H will help the Sun person feel purposeful, and I can definitely see this as not being able to keep ones hands from another.

More so, as the Mars person has their natal Mars in the 12H the 8H sun person is likely bringing out a side of the Mars persons sexuality that they didn't even know they had--- very addicting & potentially dangerous as well.

There is also a mutual Mars-Sun connection with the Pisces Sun & Virgo Mars--Mars has the tendency to make the Sun person chase them (think of the Sun as ego, and Mars as ones physicality/sexuality-- sometimes the sun person can view the mars person as a conquest-- you have mutual Mars-Sun aspects so this may go back and forth), and this is passionate/indicates but is even more volatile than the conjunction, which can already be volatile on its own.

There are also so many physical attraction aspects, on top of the Sun-Mars conjunction/opposition, you have mutual Venus in the 1H which indicates finding each other beautiful/attractive, the Sun square Venus can also indicate attraction.

& then you both have fire Venus' which further amplifies that you two need passion and fun in a relationship so the back and forth will make this even more addicting for fire Venus placements!

Overall, there is a very Martian theme to this relationship (especially with the Scorpio & Aries placements), so there is likely to be a lot of intensity, and passion-- but Mars is double-sided-- as are the 8th & 12th house so at times this intensity may be volatile, and yes, the definite potential to be toxic, but the Scorpio sides of you are going to find it hard to leave toxicity completely alone.

Your mutual suns in the 12H would tell me that this relationship has a karmic element and you all may have the potential to bring out sides in one another that you are not particularly fond of.

Honestly, you have so many passionate aspects in this synastry I'm not sure I touched on all of them here, but I tried my best to discuss what stands out to me, so I hope this helps :).

& as always you can receive a full-reading here :)

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

Hey Pookie, I wanted to do a ship/ships, I just don't know what fandom's the limit. Can I please do Outsiders, ATLA and PJO/HOO?🥺

Okay, so. I'm brown, like tan skin, dark brown eyes and silky brown hair. I don't really have anything interesting about my looks, but people tell me that my eyes are kinda warm, but intense at the same time? I'm 5'4 (short, ik), and I have a pretty decent body (just ignore the fact that my legs are almost twice the size of my arms). I'm a straight (I think?) girl and my pronouns are she/her.

I love listening to music, reading and watching shows and movies, like I'm a huge pop culture fan. My favorite color is blue (basic ik) and tbh I'm kinda a huge simp. I curse from time to time and I have slight anger managing issues, but I love to laugh too.

Tbh, all I want in a relationship is like, good vibes, but the ability to have fun too. I kinda have an "I can fix him" mindset, but then again I have a "They'll make me worse", which is kinda the same, but totally different. I don't really have a type, but I just don't like redheads.

I like to doodle on my hands and I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. I kinda have mommy and daddy issues (you don't wanna know) and I also have anxiety (diagnosed pookie). I do have exzema on the back of my neck too.

I love, love, love, LOVE spicy food. It must be the brown genes inside of me tbh bc I HAVE to eat tajin, ,like at least twice a week. I do like sweet food, but not anything pink. Eww.

Okay pookie, ily bye.

Your Fandom Ship(s): Johnny Cade (The Outsiders), Sokka (Avatar the Last Airbender), and Frank Zhang (Percy Jackson and the Olympians/Heroes of Olympus)

OK so you didn’t give me too much personality so this makes a bit harder so I’m mostly going off of what you want in a relationship and I think that Johnny Cade would be a really really good match for you because that I can fix him mindset is a little bit toxic, and I think that he would be a really good way of breaking you out of that because he is a really kind soul and I think he would also need someone kind like you in his life to help you know bring him up a little too, and I really feel like you guys have a mutually beneficial relationship personality wise, and I just feel like you guys would be people that could really get along and I have a head canon That he loves spicy food too, so I’m sure you guys could go together and eat spicy food the rest of the gang kid like has no idea how you guys consume

This is a very rare case where the I can fix him mindset would probably work without making you any worse because I mean, yeah we all know his major character arc was being sexist, and then realizing that women are actually bad asses and he should be worshiping them from the ground up, but anyway I feel like that would be a really great character for you because yeah you could live out your I can fix some mindset to your heart content without any problem and honestly honestly, I just think that you guys would be a really cute couple because he’s alsoa really just silly funny cool type of dude and you guys both need to work on your anger issues which is something that you guys could work out together. Yay but also seriously he would have a lot of fun and his favorite colors. Also blue too. I mean that’s not canon but that’s how I see him. Also, let’s be so for real. He loves the water tribe. His favorite color is gonna be blue. Out of all of the characters I’ve shipped you with I ship you guys the most because you guys are just such a vibe honestly and honestly, I just I don’t know. I just see it so hard. I’ll see you guys would totally have competitions of who could down the most spicy food in the least amount of time and he would definitely be like oh I’m so gonna win, but then you would beat him by a mile and then he would be so cranky about it.

OK, so he is a similar case to Johnny Kay where I feel like he could really help you break out of the I can fix him mindset because he is such a sweetheart. If you read the books, you know that this man is pretty strong. He’s a child of Aries he can fight but he is such a sweetheart and you know when you first read the book you think oh that he doesn’t belong in the Aries cabin because I mean, let’s well. I know it’s a different God because it’s Roman, but whatever we’re going to ignore that but anyway I just feel like he would do really well with kind of sweeter guys like this because it could help you break out of that toxic mindset once again and also I just feel like you guys would totally vibe together which is something that you wanted in a relationship and yeah, I feel like he would have a lot joking around with you and reading books…

[tearlessrain]

HELLO, I'm going to try and be the chance I want to see in the world, hahaha. So TELL ME PLEASE, who is your favourite swtor OC? And how do you relate them to the story of the game; is it canon for them, do you write/imagine/rp stories for them adjacent to the game or totally divorced from it...?

eeeey thank you for the ask! sorry it's taken me so long to get to it, my brain has not been cooperative on any front this week

I have several I'm very attached to but I'd have to say my favorite is my Imp Agent, Khatte Antilles (pronounced "cat." he's a cathar. I originally made him as a joke character before he developed a personality/backstory and now I just have to live with my choices.)

the fact that I had to go back four years in my art folders to find an image of him suitable for all audiences really tells you all you need to know already tbh

Overall he lines up pretty strongly with the canon basegame Agent story, it was kinda one of those "if it ain't broke don't fix it" situations because I do love the Agent storyline a lot. The headcanons kick in more in the DLC/Alliance zone and in his backstory, and I definitely fiddled with the timeline of things because he was very young for his first mission on Hutta (definitely no older than 20, probably closer to 17/18, he lied about his age and joined ImpInt at 13 claiming he was 16 so that makes everything more complicated. he only got away with it because the people doing his paperwork were all human and Imperial and had no idea what a 16 year old cathar would actually look like), but he's in his mid 20s for most of the basegame questline and in his early 30s by the Zakuul era. Basically it all works out that there are some unaccounted for years between Hutta and the rest of act one, and some very accounted for years during the Carbonite Timeskip because he's not the canon Commander and being incorrectly frozen in carbonite is one of the few medical horrors that hasn't happened to him. He spent that time having a mental breakdown because he believed that the only person he still trusted in the galaxy had been killed by the Empire, and channeled his feelings about that into wiping out every trace of the Castellan Restraints and their development, including the people who worked on the project. It was all very dramatic and probably would have also have included himself if Lana Beniko hadn't tracked him down before the Empire did and dragged him back to the Alliance to help organize and lead their Intelligence division, which wasn't fun for anybody but did ultimately lead to him getting therapy and starting to heal from the clusterfuck that was his career.

I also expanded on his relationship with a few NPCs quite a bit, he's got a History with Darth Jadus and met him not long after joining ImpInt, because Jadus saw someone that young and vulnerable as a perfect opportunity to mold himself a loyal (or at least scared into submission) man on the inside and eventual personal Hand. it did not work out for him; Khatte was both more willful and more loyal to Keeper than he bargained for, and by the events of the game he absolutely loathed Jadus and also knew him well enough to handily unravel the rest of his plan. he clashed even harder with Zhorrid once she "inherited" him because unlike Jadus he held no fear or respect toward her and no amount of getting barbecued by Force lightning at every meeting would change his mind. This has all lead to him having a distinctly unfavorable view toward Sith, which he voices probably more often than is advisable for one's continued health and safety in the Empire.

he also had an extremely toxic and mutually abusive situationship with Hunter throughout the latter two acts that he's still unpacking the baggage from to this day, and still has a much healthier slow burn romance with Vector (let him kiss the bug man EA I am begging you it's 2024).

But yeah, Alliance era he's honestly thriving as much as could be expected for someone with his history, I've got him in a whole multiverse situation with some friends' ocs where he's free to be a horny disaster in a much safer and healthier way than he used to be.

[weasleylangs]

dirty little secret / g.w

‘i go around a time or two, just to waste my time with you’ 

Summary: Being friends with benefits was a mutual decision, a way to relieve stress when needed after a stressful twelve months. It was decided it was just between them, not to be anybodies business but George and Y/N’s, but she doesn’t want to be his dirty little secret anymore. Pairing: George Weasley x Fem!Reader Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI !! no graphic depictions of sex but there’s one really fucking steamy kiss and sex & fwb situations/hookup culture is discussed heavily, sweet aftercare for both reader and George, jealousy & possession (nothing toxic), alcohol / drinking, food.  Word Count: 5.6k AUTHORS NOTE / aaaaa the first instalment for my pop punk series!!! this one is based off dirty little secret by the all american rejects! im going to kiss @weelittleweasley for helping me write the steamy kiss btw!!!!!

POP PUNK COLLECTION 

(all 18+) taglist / @spacexcowgirl @weelittleweasley​ @lumos-barnes​ @butterflybuchanan​ @levylovegood​ @omghufflepuff​ @mitsukui​ 

----------

Y/N hears George when he reenters her room, a glass of water in one of his hands, a washcloth in the other. Her legs still feel slightly numb from the pleasure she had just been on the receiving end of, a blissed-out expression on her face as she makes grabby hands towards the man in her doorway. 

George smiles dopily down at her, helping her sit up before handing her the glass of water. “How are you feeling?” he asks, checking in as he starts to help clean Y/N up. He quickly stops when she winces, scared he hurt her. “Fuck, sorry,” he whispers, pulling his hand away but when she laughs and grabs his hand, he relaxes.

“It’s fine,” she smiles, the look of euphoria still gracing her facial features. “Just a little sensitive,” she says honestly. George nods slightly, a proud smile on his lips as he goes back to cleaning her skin, taking extra care in areas where Y/N would be sensitive. 

He’s always like this after sex, making sure she’s okay. It’s a part of the reason why Y/N agreed on being friends with benefits with him in the first place, he’s the most trustworthy person she knows. 

It all started when they were twenty-one; the war had finished, their loved ones were safe and they so desperately needed to unwind in a very specific way after the stress of the previous twelve months. It was a mistake at first, two best friends drunkenly joking about sleeping together and the next thing they knew, they were rolling in the sheets together. Y/N was positive she ruined her longest friendship, but when George began his own personal ritual of aftercare, she knew she couldn’t let him go easily. 

This is why when the preposition of friends with benefits was put on the table by George, she immediately took it; six months later they’re still sleeping together, and even though her feelings for George are evergrowing, she’s happy with their current situation. 

“You sure you’re okay?” George presses when he’s noticed Y/N’s eyes glazed over. He’s worried he went a little harder than usual tonight. The stress of getting the joke shop back up and running has been getting to him and he needed a release of pressure in more ways than one.  

“Yes, I’m sure,” she says, taking George’s hand in her own before pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles that causes a soft red hue to develop across his freckled cheeks. That’s something else she’s learnt about George since she began sleeping with him; he needs aftercare for himself just as much herself, and he mostly needs it in some form of physical affection. “Just thinking, nothing bad. I promise.” 

George nods asking if Y/N’s good to be picked up. She giggles when she realises he’s taking her to the bathroom so she can pee. He sits her down on the toilet before turning around and gasping as he sees his reflection in the mirror. “Fuck woman,” he exclaims, before twisting his body so he can see the scratches that start at his shoulders and trail down his back. “Were you trying to rip me apart?” 

He hears a giggle come from behind him, quickly followed by a toilet flushing. He feels her frame push past him so she can wash her hands and when she reaches to grab some cream to put on George’s back she lets out her own gasp.

“George Fabian Weasley, what the fuck?” Her neck has a hickey, and not just a small one. She’s beginning to question whether George is part vampire when she looks up at him and he’s smirking at her, a mischievous glint in his eye. “It’s Spring! I have lunch with Angie tomorrow! I can’t cover these!”

George almost feels bad, but his admiration for his work on her neck is slightly winning over his guilt. “I’m sorry, darling,” it’s genuine and they both know it when Y/N’s scowl falters slightly, threatening to smile.

“No, you’re not,” she says, grabbing the cream for his back and pushing him back into her bedroom. Before she begins to help George, she stands in front of her drawers, grabbing clothes to put on now she’s come out of her post-sex haze. She hears the redhead behind her chuckle when he recognises the sweater she puts on as his own as he puts his own boxers back on. “But I guess it’s payback. Your back’s going to hurt tomorrow and Fred’s going to wonder why.”

None of their friends are aware of... their arrangement. They agreed, knowing they would make it weird. After all, Fred’s engaged to his long term girlfriend from their Hogwarts years and their other friends have all started putting themselves out there, so it’s safe to say, they’re the last two to start to settle down. 

But they like their current relationship; it’s carefree, it’s simple, it’s not complicated like a proper relationship and if they’re honest, they get some mindblowing sex out of it. So it’s not anybody’s business but each other’s. 

After a while, Y/N’s finished putting the cream on George’s back. She spent the time mumbling apologies whenever George winces, she didn’t realise how hard she was going so she makes a mental note to not rip apart his back the next time they see each other. She presses a gentle kiss to the base of George’s neck, something she doesn’t think too much about but it feels like it’s blurring the lines between romantic and platonic right now and she feels herself panic a tiny bit.

“Do you work tomorrow?” She asks George, who hums in agreement. His eyes are droopy like he’s almost falling asleep and Y/N expected this. He’s putty in anybody’s hands the second you start trailing your hands gently up any part of his body, specifically his back. “Are you sleeping here tonight?” she giggles as she asks and George sighs. 

“I probably shouldn't but-” he cuts himself off with a yawn before rolling over onto his back. “Your bed is just so much more comfortable than mine.” 

Y/N rolls her eyes, pushing him slightly before jumping off the bed and leaving George to frown at her when she moves from her spot next to him. She grabs her wand from her bedside table, walking through her flat to make sure all her lights are turned off before enchanting ‘lumos’ so she can light her way back to her bedroom. 

“You’re letting me stay?” She nods at his words, crawling into bed with him. While she knows George is a sucker for physical affection, Y/N is also well aware he hates sleeping cuddled up to people so she gives him his space in the bed. Because of this, she doesn’t expect George to shift his body so even though they’re not cuddling, they’re still close, a simple form of comfort that neither of them can decipher as platonic or romantic.

“Yes, you can stay,” she says, rubbing her thumb along George’s hand as a way of saying goodnight, “but you wake me up before 9am tomorrow and you die.” 

-----

When Y/N wakes up the next morning to her alarm going off, the side of the bed is empty and cold. Her alarm clock reads 10:30am, so she knows George has been gone for a few hours at this point. She feels a small sense of sadness, remembering how fun the mornings are the times George sleeps over and stays until she wakes up. 

She sighs, deciding there’s no point in dwelling on George’s absence. When she walks into her kitchen, she checks her kettle; cursing George when she finds it empty because she knows he just had to have a cup of tea before leaving this morning and rolls her eyes as she fills it herself. Her kettle’s boiling as she potters around when she spots a piece of paper with George’s writing all over it. 

‘George’s excuses for the hickeys’ the note reads in his messy scrawl, and Y/N has to stifle a cackle before she continues to read. ‘1. ran into a door’ is scratched out immediately and she knows George probably thought it was a good idea at first before realising the hickeys are on her neck, so the running into the door isn't feasible. ‘2. bug’ is the next one and she has to stop herself from rolling her eyes and when she goes back to George’s oh so incredible list, her breath hitches. 

‘3. be honest and say you hooked up with someone’ makes Y/N’s heart sink. She hasn’t slept with anyone besides George in the past six months, hasn’t wanted to either for that matter, but it makes her realise something. 

She doesn’t know if George is the same. 

She’s well aware of their situation and the lack of commitment outside of promising to come over later, but her emotions hit her harder than she thought they would. While she wouldn’t complain if she and George became something more, she knows it’s not what either of them is looking for at the moment, so she doesn’t understand why she’s so hurt. Does George think I shag other people? she thinks before the kettle starts to hiss to indicate the water is boiled and she’s brought back to reality. 

After drinking her tea, Y/N begins to get ready, trying her best to cover the purple bruises littering her neck and trying to keep herself under control while she admires them in the mirror. Soon enough, she’s out the door and making her way to Diagon Alley where she spots Angie, talking with Fred.

“Y/N!” Fred exclaims as she gets closer and waves frantically as she walks towards them. “We’re just talking about how we think George has a bird!” Y/N chokes on air, her brows furrowing at Fred’s words. They’ve been so careful, a bit too careful when it comes to hiding their relationship from their friends so she doesn’t understand.

“Why do you think that?” Her tone is casual, trying to act natural as she tries to find out what signs could point to their... activities being exposed, and to his brother of all people.

Fred starts laughing again, holding his stomach as he tries to tell the story. “He didn’t come home last night- I only noticed because I was up at 3 and his bedroom door was open which was weird because he didn’t tell me he was going out!” Fred’s animated when he’s talking, taking a sip of his drink and using his free hand to emphasise his story. “And when he was reaching for something in a closet today he winced, like his back hurt!” 

Y/N stares at Fred blankly, memories of the night before flooding her memory when Fred mentions George wincing. She knows now is not the time to start thinking about how good George made her feel last night. “What does wincing have to do with anything?” 

She knows she made a mistake when Fred’s eyes widen, staring at her. “Well, my dear prude Y/N, my back only hurts when it’s scratched up from a good fu-” 

“Okay, we do not need to hear about your sex life,” Angie says, grabbing Y/N by the shoulders and steering her off. “We have a lunch date that you’re not invited to.” She’s smiling when she says it and when Fred bids the two girls goodbye, Angie calls out something about making fun of George for her. 

She’s quiet on the walk to the cafe she and Angelina have planned for lunch, lost in thoughts. She’s stuck on the idea of George sleeping with other people even though she knows she was the one with George last night, that she was the one scratching up his back. They walk in tandem, Angelina raving about Quidditch while Y/N nodded in acknowledgement at appropriate times. 

Eventually, they reach the cafe, quickly taking a seat and looking at the menu. It’s then when Angelina’s hand pulls the menu down from Y/N’s face and she’s giving the girl a questioning look.

“What’s wrong?” She asks.

Y/N stares at her, not understanding how she did anything to convey any feeling at all, let alone a feeling of something being wrong. She’s about to deny it when she looks Angelina in the eye, and she realises she can’t lie to her because she’d be questioned for the rest of lunch. “Do you think George has a friend with benefits?”

Angelina giggles at Y/N’s words, smiling slightly. “I know you’re sleeping with him.” She says it so casually that Y/N doesn’t even process what she said for a few beats. She half expected her friend to admit she was also sleeping with George, after all, she used to suspect they had a thing when they were teenagers but this is the last thing she expected. 

She’s so baffled she can’t even deny it, no words leaving her mouth for a second before she just stares at Angelina, “How?”

Angelina keeps smiling, quickly ordering their drinks when the waitress comes over and requests a little longer to decide on food before turning back to her friend sitting dumbfounded across the table. “Fred might be stupid and oblivious, but I’m not. I see the way he looks at you.” 

Y/N doesn’t think George looks at her in any particular way, at least he doesn’t when she isn’t under him and she notices Angelina’s eyes soften when Y/N doesn’t say anything. “You didn’t know before sleeping with him?”

“Didn’t know what before sleeping with him?”

“That he likes you?” Y/N thinks Angelina’s being stupid; it’s always been her liking George and George not noticing, not the other way around. George has always been sweet and gentle in bed, way nicer and way more giving than any other romantic partner in her past, but she’s always chalked it up to him just being George. That’s how she’s always known him, how she knew him when they met at 11, how she knew him on the Quidditch pitch when they were 15 and how she knows him now, at 22 and in his bed. 

“He doesn’t like me, you’re just making stuff up!” She’s adamant Angelina’s just messing with her but Angelina just sighs, obviously ready to move on from the topic. “He doesn’t,” she whispers to no one in particular and she feels Angelina grab her hand, rubbing a thumb across the top in a comforting kind of way.

“I guess it’s not my place to say,” she starts, “but I’ve never seen George treat someone else like the way he treats you. It’s like... It’s like you’re glass, that he’s scared of breaking you and you have to be in his sights at all times.” It’s soft and Y/N knows it’s genuine as much as she hates to admit it. 

The conversation changes, thankfully putting Y/N and George out of the hot seat but she’s hanging onto every word of Angelina’s, suddenly overthinking every interaction she’s had with the redhead in the past few months. Panic starts to set in and it only gets worse when Angelina bids her goodbye.

Her thoughts are loud; does she like George or does she like the way George makes her feel? What if George has liked her this entire time and she’s mistaken her feelings for romantic when they’re purely physical? 

As she wonders, she realises she’s being stupid. Y/N knows she likes George, she’s liked George for so long and she likes him so much it hurts. That’s when a new thought arrives, a more sinister thought, a meaner thought; What if Angelina is just completely wrong, that’s always a possibility. What if George doesn’t like her back at all. 

-----

She wanders Diagon Alley, making her way to the Apothecary after remembering she needs some more Valerian sprigs to make a new batch of the Potion for Dreamless Sleep. She’s muttering to herself as she wanders the store, thinking about how these days her best night's sleep are spent besides George but the thought is quickly pushed away when she spots her ingredient of choice and she can barely reach it. 

“Fuck,” she mutters, looking around for a stool or a shop assistant so she can finally get out of Diagon Alley. She’s about to give up and leave herself when she’s met with a tough body slamming into her own. Apologies spill from her mouth quickly, feeling terrible she almost knocked this poor guy over in the middle of the Apothecary but when she looks up, George is looking down at her.

“What do you need, darling?” The nickname makes her heart race and she only hopes George can’t hear it seconds away from beating from her chest. She doesn’t respond immediately, preoccupied with how nice he looks and it’s not until he waves in front of her face that she responds.

“Sorry,” she says, shaking her head in a way to push away her thoughts, “was looking for some Valerian sprigs.” She hopes George minds his own business, memories from her meeting with Angelina flooding her thoughts. She starts to over analyse the way George looks at her, whether it’s as if she’s glass, like Angelina claims but when she looks at George, he’s reaching up and grabbing the jar for her.

“Treacle fudge?” He questions, and it takes her a moment to process he’s asking why she needs the ingredient. 

“Dreamless Sleep,” she replies, embarrassed. She’s never needed a sleeping potion when George is around, his presence alone is enough to fight off any unwanted nightmares but that’s the last thing he needs to know. Thankfully, he doesn’t comment, just puts the jar back up on the shelf when she’s done and motions for her to follow him around the store. 

He stops in front of the rose thorns, silently debating how many to get when he feels Y/N’s eyes on him. “Love potion, for WonderWitch,” he says, grabbing some and putting them in a bag before making his way to the counter. He grabs the Valerian sprigs from Y/N’s hand, placing them alongside his rose thorns and ignoring her protests when he hands some Galleons to the shopkeeper. 

“I get a discount,” he says when they exit the shop, “plus, I didn’t mind.” Y/N stares at him, not able to read a single emotion on his face. She thanks him and takes the Valerian sprigs from him and places them in her bag. 

“Do you wanna come over tonight?” He asks, rubbing the back of his neck. “Fred won’t be home.” His cheeks are flushed red, almost like he’s shy asking to see her for the second night in a row. The word ‘yes’ is on the tip of her tongue, threatening to spill out without her permission. She badly wants to let the word slip as well, but her thoughts from earlier come to the forefront once again and at this moment, Y/N can’t seem to convince herself that George wants her in the same way she wants him.

“No, sorry,” she says bluntly, and she doesn’t miss the look of shock on his face. Y/N has never turned George down and while he respects her no, it confuses him nonetheless. “Just... Not feeling well. You know?”

Y/N knows George doesn’t believe her, she sees it in his eyes, but he hums in acknowledgement before lifting his wrist and checking his watch. “Look, I’ve gotta go, Fred’s going to kill me,” the words are forced like he wants to stay and make sure everything is okay between the pair and he’s being pulled away too soon. “I’ll see you sometime this week, yeah?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Y/N says, knowing he doesn’t mean sometime this week in his bed, but the thought happens before she can stop it and it’s right now she realises she needs to push George away before she gets more hurt. 

-----

It’s been a week since Y/N turned down George’s offer to come over that night, and she has a feeling he’s avoiding her. Usually, when Y/N denies him it only takes him a few days before he comes crawling back or vice versa; they’ve never been able to go long without falling into bed together, the co-dependency on each other for a hook up was one they never discussed, but was known, so the fact George didn’t end up in her bed during the week makes her painfully aware something is wrong and even though she knows it’s her own fault, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  

The suspicion is only confirmed when she’s dragged to a bar in Muggle London on the following Saturday night. Angie, Katie and Alicia’s complaints that Y/N’s been too high strung this week getting to her and their peer pressure eventually worked. She doesn’t mind the bar- it’s not too busy but it’s still got enough people in it for a good time and Katie and Lee are getting everyone drinks when Y/N spots a head of bright, auburn hair across the room. 

She doesn’t even think twice before knowing it’s George, and it’s got nothing to do with the girl next to him, hanging off every word he’s saying not being Fred’s fiancée. The way she feels in her entire body when she spots him, the ache in her heart she feels is what confirms it’s George. He’s the only person to ever have this kind of power over her and at this moment, she wishes he didn’t. 

Because George is flirting with the girl next to him and she’s batting her eyelashes, clearly happy with the attention the cute redhead is giving her and Y/N wants nothing more than to be in her place and it hurts, even more, knowing she usually is in her place. George is a lot more comfortable talking sex once he has a few glasses of whiskey, so the flirting gets turned up to an eleven and all their friends laugh at his forwardness. 

Angelina sees Y/N staring longingly at the younger twin and without words she knows something is wrong. So she grabs the tequila from Katie and places it in front of Y/N. “Drink it.” She looks at Angelina, confused why her attention was stolen from George but smiles happily when the shot glass is in her hand. 

It burns as it slides down her throat, after all, tequila always does. She quickly takes the lemon from whoever’s holding it out to her, pulling a face as the sourness meets her taste buds. Angelina, Katie and Alicia and hollering when she looks back at them, her friends successfully stealing her attention from George as they drag her to the dancefloor. ABBA is playing over the loudspeaker, and the girls yell in excitement, they would never pass up the opportunity to dance to ABBA; memories of post-Quidditch parties and sneaking Firewhiskey into the Gryffindor Common Room coming to the forefront of their minds. 

They dance for who knows how long with Lee joining them as he dances between Alicia and Katie, playing up the ladies’ man role. It makes Y/N laugh, Lee clearly loving the attention from the girls but it’s at that moment she spots George and the girl from earlier, dancing; George’s hands are on her hips, respectful but holding her close and it fills Y/N with a feeling so horrible, she has to turn around to push the vile, green monster back down. 

Thankfully, or not so thankfully, she’s not entirely sure just yet, she turns to face a guy. He’s cute, got a puppy dog look about him and he smiles at Y/N in a way that indicates he’s asking to dance. She says yes, of course, and her hands wrap around his neck. She hates that she’s spending this time dancing with him comparing him to George; his hands aren’t as calloused, he smells like mint as opposed to the familiar scent of cinnamon and Earl Grey tea, her heart isn't racing like it would if she was with the redhead. 

George sees her across the dance floor because his eyes haven’t left her all night. He knows he’s leading this poor girl on, Bianca is her name; he’s not going to end up taking her home like he knows she’s hoping, but he needed a distraction. When he sees Y/N starting to dance with a guy, his jaw tenses and his eyes narrow; he knows he’s being stubborn. If he just talked to Y/N everything would be sorted but he doesn’t want to be the one to break, he wants Y/N to come to him, to want him. 

Their eyes meet across the dance floor, the guy’s head dipping into the crook of Y/N’s neck, his arm is wrapped around her waist as her back is pressed against his chest, grinding her bum onto his crotch. She tries to look away from George but she can’t, his eyes are enchanting and this is the most attention they’ve gotten from each other since that day in Diagon Alley. George whispers something into the girl’s ear, his grip on her hips getting tighter but his eyes never leave Y/N’s. 

It’s Y/N who breaks eye contact, her head falling back onto her dance partner’s shoulder and when George sees open mouth kisses pressed to Y/N’s neck, he snaps. He mutters an excuse to Bianca and walks as fast as he can to the girl he wants. He sees his friends snickering at each other as they dance but no one says anything.

She feels his presence before she feels him grab her wrist, so he doesn’t scare her. Her head immediately pops up, looking George in the eye. “Oi, nah. I had her first,” the guy behind Y/N says, his grip visually tightening on Y/N as if she’s a toy and George is coming to steal it, but he has to stifle a laugh; the guy’s confident, George’ll give him that.

“Nah, mate,” he starts, the music changing to a more sensual R&B song as he speaks. He sees Y/N blush at his simple words and he gently tugs at her wrist again, not in a demanding kind of way; he’s asking, pleading her to follow him and when she steps away from the guy she was dancing with, she mutters an apology before letting George drag her where he wants to go. 

----

They don’t even say two words to each other once they’re in the bathroom together. George pulls her inside quickly, before pushing her up against the door, attaching his lips immediately to her neck before he gently sucks and bites, subconsciously leaving a small hickey like it's the most natural thing in the world for him to do. She’s missed having him this close so when her fingers rake through his long hair, she gives it a gentle tug before pulling his mouth up to her own, wanting to kiss him with everything she has, needing him even closer. He obliges of course, always happy to give Y/N what she wants.

When George’s lips finally meet hers, he’s kissing her like it’s the last time they’ll ever kiss; it’s messy, desperate, like most of their kisses are, hands gripping wherever they can just to ensure the other isn’t leaving. George is intoxicating to Y/N like she can get drunk from the taste of his whiskey covered lips alone and her head spins when she feels his hands rake up her body, grasping her waist and pushing her harder against the door. A small moan leaving Y/N’s lips is all George needs to force his tongue into her mouth, massaging their tongues together and she tugs at the hair at the nape of his neck again, desperately needing him as close as humanly possible without defiling this public bathroom. The action makes George whimper, loving nothing more than having her fingers tugging at his auburn locks and it gives her a slight power trip. Just a slight one, as she tries to take control of the kiss. 

It doesn’t last long because before she knows it, she’s whimpering under his touch and surrendering everything she has to him as his hands caress her body, grabbing and pulling her to him wherever possible. His hands eventually land on her thighs, and when he grabs them and hoists her up, her legs immediately wrap around his waist. The action alongside the pressure on her crotch makes her moan and she feels George smirk at her noises, obviously feeling proud of being the only person to be able to do this to her. He pivots slightly once he’s holding her, placing Y/N on the counter next to the sink so they’re finally level to kiss comfortably. 

He keeps his spot between her legs, refusing to detach his lips from hers, his hands crawling from her thighs to tightly grasp her hips. If it was any other day, Y/N would’ve said something, telling him to be careful of bruises but right now, after watching him flirt with the girl out in the bar for hours on end, there’s nothing she wants, no needs, more than George marking her in every way he can. 

“Mine,” she moans without thinking, as his lips leave hers, slowly making their way across her jaw and onto her neck once again, licking, biting, sucking. George has always loved her neck and he knows how much she loves having her neck touched. “You’re mine,” she repeats when George doesn’t immediately push her away, and she doesn’t even have time to decide to panic before she hears a groan in her ear.

“Yours,” he whispers, his hot breath causing goosebumps to prickle along her skin. The words don’t even process in her brain before she feels George pull away from her. The lack of contact makes her whine, she never wants to be far away from George ever again but he smiles, presses the most gentle kiss on her lips before looking her directly in her eyes, “I’m yours.” 

Her heart stops, she never thought for a second she’d hear George mutter those words, let alone in a dingey, small bathroom of a bar in Central London, but here it is. “Don’t play with me, Georgie,” she whispers. From her spot on the counter, she can look him directly in the eyes; his cheeks are flushed red, his pupils are blown, lips swollen and red. His hair has gotten messy from her pulling at it but she can’t bring herself to feel bad that she ruined his perfectly styled hair because at this moment, she thinks this is the most beautiful she’s ever seen him, so vulnerable and the look of adoration in his eyes fills her chest with hope. 

“Would I ever play with you, darling?” He asks, his words are sincere and she knows it. It’s soft, reminiscent of all those times he’s looked after her after having sex, when he promises to look after her, always. 

“I’d hope not, I was having fun with…” She trails off, realising she never caught his name before she starts laughing. She feels George’s hands tighten against her thighs, hyperaware of his touch on her skin and she grabs one of his hands. “I didn’t actually know his name. I was pretending he was you.”

She says it so softly she wouldn’t be shocked if he missed it, but he didn’t. He hangs to every word she says, he always does and when he smiles, Y/N feels herself relax. “I was using Bianca to make you jealous,” he admits, laughing to himself. He knew the pair of them were being stupid, that they could have just talked but the fear of rejection clearly got the best of both of them. 

“I’ve liked you for so long, and maybe I shouldn't have put friends with benefits on the table knowing that, but I needed you.” He’s never spoken truer words, his left hand leaving her thigh and gently caressing her cheek. Her makeups smudged from both the sweat from dancing and the desperation from not even five minutes ago, her hairs messy and her lips are swollen just as much as his but he wants to take her home, right this second, and show her in so many ways how much he loves her.

“I like you, too.” 

His eyes prick up at her words and he didn’t realise he wasn’t holding eye contact until now. She takes her own left hand and mirrors George’s action on himself; hoping to convey everything she’s felt for him through nothing but looks. “I had to back away last week, I thought I had to get over you. Angie said some dumb shit and I started to overthink and I’m so-”

He cuts her off with a kiss and it’s so different to their usual ones. It’s soft and gentle like they could stay here for hours doing nothing but kissing and they’d be perfectly content. George pulls her body closer to his, desperate just to have her near when he pulls away, pressing his forward to hers. “Don’t say sorry, please.” 

She opens her mouth again to speak and that’s when he cuts her off again, with another kiss. This happens a few times before Y/N is a giggling mess and George is just kissing her for the sake of having their lips pressed together. “We know now, that’s all I care about.” 

This makes her smile and her heart soar; the boy she’s loved for so long, liking her back once felt like it could only be a dream, and she has to pinch herself multiple times before she finally believes it’s her reality.

They soon realise they’ve been standing in this dirty, bar bathroom for way too long and George helps her down, grabbing her by the hips to stabilise her when her legs slightly give out. He takes her hand in his, softly kissing her knuckles before he opens the bathroom door to sneak out. “My place or yours?” he asks, but he quickly stops, “I’m not expecting to fuck, but like I mean if it happens it happens but- Godric, we can just hang out I’m happy with that unless you want to fuck-”

Y/N’s giggling at his stumbling around on words and she shushes him slightly, his face going bright red when she's the one leaning to press a chaste kiss to his lips. His face is bright red when she speaks, “My place. I live alone.” she winks and runs off after saying this, George hot on her tails and even though there’s music and George’s favourite song is playing, Y/N’s laugh as he chases her out of the bar is his favourite noise. 

[huihuiheart]

Angstober 2021:

Navigation

October 2021 Schedule

Please read before continuing: A new fic drops at 1pm EST everyday. Everything will include specific warnings as necessary and warnings will be included below. Will not include smut, will me mostly SFW though some may have slightly suggestive themes or other themes that may not be safe for some readers. Anything that could trigger or so on will be included in warnings, please please read warnings BEFORE reading the work. All works will be tagged: Angstober 2021

Continuation Requests: 0/3

Key: 💜 - Gender Neutral 💗 - Female Reader 💙- Male Reader

1. Shattered Glass - Xiumin - Summary: You had forgiven him too many times and all for the same mistake. You just wondering if you would learn to forgive yourself for putting you through all that heartache. - Warnings: Cheating(repeatedly), heartbreak, one sided love, being led on. - 💜

2. Fools - Juhaknyeon -  Summary: He played you for a fool, but it was too late to take back your feelings now. - Warnings: Player themes, kind of cheating (they were never in a relationship though, so), mentions/implications of sex. - 💜

3. Arrangement - Taehyung -  Summary: You had to marry him to get ahead in life, but there wasn’t much reason that he need you in his. - Warnings: Arranged marriage, one sided love, Taehyung is honestly just a jerk, like he just doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, cursing. - 💜

4. Broken Promises - Ateez-  Summary: Accidents happen, but when people get hurt because of them it makes it that much harder. Perhaps even to the point where they aren’t sure that they can even forgive. - Warnings: Car accident themes, hospital themes, breakup (can be friendship or romantic not explicitly stated), arguments, crying, cursing. - 💜

5. Too Late Now - WinWin-  Summary: Your actions only seem to prove to Sicheng that you really don’t care about your relationship, and now it’s too late to change that. - Warnings: Arranged marriage, broken hearts. -💜

6. Pawn - Soobin -  Summary: To Soobin you were just another disposable pawn. -  Warnings: Fake friends, manipulation, lies, smoking, cursing. - 💜

7. Trust Issues - Bang Chan-  Summary: Lies are too easy to believe when there’s trust issues involved. - Warnings: Cheating themes, yelling, cursing, exposing of secrets, mentions of health conditions, lies, just in general things blow the fuck up. 💜

8. Broken Things - Mark (NCT)-  Summary: Mark came crawling back after things ended poorly, but you’re not so easily swayed this time around. - Warnings: Mentions of arguments, mentions of a bad breakup. - 💜

9. Shot - Donghun-  Summary: What you did was to protect the man you love, but he didn’t see it that way. - Warnings: Mafia themes, hitman themes, criminal themes, death themes, breakup themes, threats, cursing. - 💜

10. Appearances - Yuta -  Summary: You thought that things were finally changing, that maybe in the end it would all work out. Only he wanted them to work out a different way. - Warnings: Arranged marriage, cheating/infidelity - 💜

11. Steril - Mingyu -  Summary: You’ve never felt so alone in your life, especially not while someone was laying right besides you and now you’re wishing you could take it all back. - Warnings: Hospital themes, car crash themes, mentions of speeding. - 💜

12. Broken Things - Hyunjae -  Summary: You both knew that it was over, but that didn’t mean that part of you didn’t care anymore...only maybe that kind of made it worse. - Warnings: Mutual agreement to break up, but it’s still an emotional breakup, crying. - 💜

13. New Girl - San -  Summary: San had found someone new and they didn’t like the history that the two of you had together. - Warnings:  Friendship breakup, friends with benefits (in the past, mentioned but no actual explicit content), cursing, yelling, gender neutral reader but San has a girlfriend in this who isn’t reader, San’s girlfriend is a manipulative bitch, she’s just kinda toxic honestly. - 💜

14. Paparazzi - Monsta X- Summary: You knew getting caught up with them was going to be an ordeal, still you thought you’d have everything under control...thinking that was your mistake. - Warnings: Secrets revealed, breakup (whether you want to consider it friendship or more is up to reader), problems with press, getting fired, mentions of drinking/being drunk, cursing, crying. - 💜

15. Ruined - Suho -  Summary: Junmyeon blamed you for ruining a part of his life you knew nothing about, and so in turn he wants to ruin yours too. -  Warnings: Mentions of infidelity, gn reader but mentions of Junmyeon being with a woman, arguing, breaking things, screaming, cursing, crying, threats. - 💜

16. Affair - Hongseok - Summary: This is the last thing you would have expected from Hongseok, but now you saw it...right before your very eyes. - Warnings: Cheating themes, it’s gender neutral reader but he cheats with a woman, heartbreak, mentions of nudity, crying, mentions of sex (Hongseok is literally caught cheating, so...). - 💜

17. Regrets - Jeonghan - Summary: Even after breaking up his words still rang in your head and your heart, you couldn’t shake them and yet you couldn’t live with them either. - Warnings: Mentions of breakup, exes, some issues with self-worth/self-doubt, mentions of therapy. - 💜

18. Not What I Wanted - Sejun - Summary: You and Sejun had different ideas of what your future looked like and there was not going to be any changing of that. - Warnings: Mentions of pregnancy ( it's a conversation topic reader is opposed to it right now but doesn't say they would always be), disagreement, argument, cursing, taking a break (they don’t get back together in this piece though, so take that how you want). - 💗

19.  Race For Love -Yeosang - Summary: After years in love you were both tired of this cat and mouse game, the decision had to be made. Would you stay or would you go? - Warnings: Mutual pining (for a long long time), non-breakup breakup (they were never technically a couple so take that as you will. - 💜

20. Empowered - Kai - Summary: You finally built up the courage to walk away from a relationship that should have ended a long time ago. - Warnings: Implied toxic relationship, breakup. - 💜

21. Admit It - Heochan - Summary: To him you were the whole world, to you he was just another mark from the competition. - Warnings: Mafia themes, honey trap themes, kidnapping themes, heartbreak themes, gun themes, blood, betrayal, revenge themes. - 💜

22. My Turn To Break - Hongjoong - Summary: You’d been there to piece him together for so long that it was hard to realize that you were the one who was actually falling apart. - Warnings: Broken relationships (friendships + romantic), crying, heart break. - 💜

23. Love to Hate You - Doyoung - Summary: It was always hot and cold, back and forth, and it was perfect...until it wasn’t. - Warnings: Implied smut, kind of breakup (off and on relationship), it’s a messy situation, cursing. - 💜

24. Secrets - IM - Summary: Secrets were kept and the damage had been done, but maybe with time it could be undone too. - Warnings: Accusations, assumptions of cheating (they’re just assumptions), cursing, reading someone’s diary, taking a break, themes of therapy (nothing wrong with it, just a warning in case it does trigger someone). - 💜

25. Warning Signs -Taeyong - Summary: The warning signs were all there, he just chose to ignore all of them. - Warnings: Implied smut, cheating? (they were taking a “break”), cursing, breakup, crying. - 💜

26. No Choice - Bang Yongguk - Summary: You thought you were finally free, until he showed up at your doorsteps with threats once again. - Warnings: Yandere themes, blackmail, stalking themes, threats, messy breakups, toxic relationship, breaking and entering, cursing, slight mafia themes. - 💜

27. Undoable - Kim Sungjoo - Summary: You had been played like fools only to be ripped apart all to easily, but maybe some thing were unfixable. -  Warnings: Implied smut, drinking, drugged drinks, lies, cheating themes, breakup themes, yelling, cursing, crying, punching. - 💜

28. Scars - U-Kwon - Summary: He just couldn’t let you go, not when he needed you this badly. - Warnings: PTSD(from a kidnapping), mentions of scars, mafia themes, yandere themes, cursing. - 💜

29. In The End - Kim Taeho - Summary: His heart had been broken and that was no minor thing, still it didn’t make what he had to do any easier. - Warnings: Heartbreak, cursing, friendship breakup, some minor gaslighting, crying, toxic relationships. - 💜

30. All An Act - Jinhoo - Summary: You had been together for so long that is was hard to remember why you were together, that didn’t mean it was easy to say goodbye though. - Warnings: Love that faded away, pressure from family, breakup, cursing, drinking. - 💜

31. Restrictions - Kuhn - Summary: Some of the worst things are done with the best intentions. - Warnings: Hurtful words, breakups, crying, cursing. - 💜

[mochamamii]

yandere!nct: having children.

▹ a/n : hi there! it’s been a while since I posted, hope all of you are doing well. I only did this for 127 but I’ll add the other members later once I work through some old requests. as always, requests are open! thanks for reading ♡.♡

▹ triggers : yandere themes, toxic relationships, mentions of abuse

「 Taeyong 」 : 

I don’t think Taeyong is really interested in having a child. Taeyong would see having a child around as more of a headache than anything else. Taeyong wouldn’t want you or him to become distracted by a baby. The only time I really see Taeyong agreeing to have a baby is if his significant other was pushing for it, or if he believed that he could use a baby as a way to manipulate and control his partner even more. If Taeyong were to have a child with his partner he’d probably be a very emotionally detached father, his love for his child would only exist because the child would be an extension of his partner. He’d care for the child, but not in the way a normal father would. He’d be very distant, and would let his partner be responsible for taking care of them for the most part. Taeyong would probably never physically abuse the child but he’d have no problem making his s/o believe he would just to keep them in check.

“Don’t be fooled Y/N, I will take this baby away from you just as quickly as I gave them to you.”

「 Taeil 」 :

Taeil would be completely on board with having a child with his partner. He’d honestly just see it as a natural occurrence of events. To Taeil, regardless of how his relationship with his partner came to be, he considers the two of you to be in a regular, loving, and mutually consensual relationship. So, things like marriage and having children would come really easy for him. In fact, Taeil would be upset if his partner expressed that they didn’t want a child, not that they really have a choice anyways… Taeil desires having a traditional, picturesque family with his partner at any costs, so if his partner were infertile or unable to carry a child he’d go as far as kidnapping a baby to fulfill his dream. Taeil would be super into gender roles as well so his s/o would be expected to do most of the work in raising their child. As a dad Taeil would be pretty loving, but he’s still a yandere so his concept of love is a little warped. 

“Why are you crying my love? This is a happy moment, we’re finally going to be a real family.”

「 Johnny 」 :

Johnny would be sort of indifferent to having a child. He, like Taeyong, worries that the child could prove to be a distraction, or cause you to misbehave. Johnny is really sadistic, and he lives to isolate you and make your life miserable all the whilst knowing he’s the only one you have left to lean on. A baby could complicate that, he hates the idea of feeling like you’d no longer need him after having a baby, or feeling like he’d have to compete for your time and affection. Johnny is selfish and he wants to consume all of your time and space, he wants to be the only thing on your mind 24/7. Johnny doesn’t like using condoms though so if you were to get pregnant by accident he’d use your child as a weapon. He’d separate you from your child as a way to punish you if you misbehaved. Johnny would actually be pretty affectionate to the child, but again Johnny is selfish and always has an ulterior motive attached to everything that he does. Johnny would intentionally make the child love him just so that it would make it harder for you if you ever tried to leave.

“Daddy’s home sweetheart, don’t look so sad, look at how excited our daughter is to see me.”

「 Yuta 」 :

Yuta doesn’t just want to have one kid, he wants to have multiple kids with his partner. Yuta loves the idea of having a big family. Yuta doesn’t really care if his partner is on board with the idea, it’s happening one way or another. Yuta also has a breeding kink so it’s really just a matter of when you two have children, not if. Yuta would be really upset if his partner didn’t share the same enthusiasm that he does when it comes to having children, so much so that it honestly would kind of turn him off completely if his partner was actively rejecting the idea. Yuta is the kind of yandere that loves often, he’s a natural flirt with a wandering eye, it doesn’t take much for Yuta to move on to his next muse so it’s best for whoever he’s currently involved with to keep him happy and comply, because he’ll get rid of them in an instant and start over with someone new if his needs aren’t being met. With that being said, Yuta would be just as chaotic of a father as he is a lover, Yuta���s just as possessive of his children as he is his partners. Yuta is the type of yandere to move his family out to a secluded area just to keep them all to himself. 

“This is better isn't it? All of us out here, with no one to disturb us.”

「 Doyoung 」 :

Doyoung would want children but it would take a long time for him to fully commit to the idea. Doyoung wants children but he wants to be sure that his partner has fully submitted themselves to him before he can start a family with them. Doyoung needs to know that he doesn’t have to worry about his partner running away or escaping before agreeing to have a child. Although Doyoung would like to have a child, he’s okay with not having one if his partner was super against it. He’s okay with it just being the two of you, and wouldn’t force it on his s/o. Doyoung is obsessed with the idea of everything being perfect and would be a fairly demanding father. Doyoung wants his children to succeed and be skilled individuals so he’d take on more of an authoritative role in his children’s life. Not to say that he wouldn’t be a loving father, he’d just expect a lot from them. He’d want his children to excel in everything that they do. Doyoung shows his love and affection differently, so he’d not be too touchy feely with his children, he’d show his love by giving his children anything that they need and want. Doyoung’s super into gender roles, so he expects his partner to do most of the work when it comes to raising their child. 

“If you want a child so badly, you’ll have to show me before I can trust you not to leave.”

「 Jaehyun 」 :

Jaehyun’s into the idea of having a child. Similar to Taeil, Jaehyun wants that picturesque, traditional family that you see in the movies. Jaehyun wouldn’t rush into having children with his partner, he’d prefer to wait so that he can try and let his partner get accustomed to the idea. But, it really wouldn’t matter to him if his s/o didn’t want a kid because he’s always going to get what he wants regardless. Jaehyun is perfectly fine with beating his partner to make them obey and submit to him but he’d never physically hurt his child, so he’d be much gentler with his partner whilst they’re pregnant. Having a child with Jaehyun would only work to amplify his yandere behavior, Jaehyun feels that the two of you are now bound together for life so he’s not going to ever let you slip out of his grasp once you have a child with him. Jaehyun would be an extremely loving father and would do his best to conceal his yandere behavior from them, and he'd become angry with his partner if they ever did anything to make their child question what kind of relationship the two of you have. 

“You need to do better at covering your bruises, what if Y/C/N had seen them?”

「 Jungwoo 」 :

Jungwoo would be a little scared about having children with his partner. It’s not that he’s completely against having a child but he’d be worried that he wouldn’t be able to give them a good life. Make no mistake, Jungwoo is a yandere through and through, but a small part of him understands that keeping his s/o captive is wrong so he’d feel conflicted about introducing an innocent child into an already toxic equation. Jungwoo is a really clingy yandere and he doesn’t like letting his partner leave the house and he’d feel the same about his child so he’d worry about them not receiving formal education, or having a regular social life. Jungwoo would be much more open to having a child with his partner if they were explicitly asking to have one with him. As a dad, Jungwoo would be super cuddly and affectionate with his child, Jungwoo would be really attached to his child and he’d hate to disappoint them, so much so that his partner would actually be able to use their child as a way to manipulate Jungwoo if they wanted to. 

“I’ll do whatever I need to take care of you and our baby, I promise.”

「 Mark 」 :

Mark’s not interested in having children. It’s possible that he could change his mind later on, but for now he’s against the idea. Especially, if the two of you just began dating. Mark would be reluctant to have kids because he wouldn’t want the responsibility. Mark’s yandere behavior causes him to be a little unstable but he still tries to be as logical as he can with his decisions. Mark wouldn’t really want kids because he wants to be the only one taking up his s/o’s time. Mark is needy and needs constant validation from his partner, to him a baby would be a distraction more than anything else. If Mark’s partner were to get pregnant by accident, he’d do his best to adapt but the change would be difficult for him, and at least for a while he might have feelings of resentment towards the child. Mark’s partner is a very influential figure in his life so his s/o would have the power to dictate Mark’s attitude towards the child. If Mark’s partner is patient and makes sure to not neglect his feelings, Mark could develop love for the child.

“Not even a baby is going to come between us, don’t ever think otherwise.”

「 Haechan 」 :

Haechan doesn’t mind the idea of having a child. He’s not actively trying to have a child but if it happened he’d welcome the baby with open arms. Haechan would be sort of emotionally inconsistent when it came to his relationship with his child. He loves them but like most yandere’s Haechan’s concept of love is really different compared to other people. One minute Haechan would be really loving and involved with the child and then the next he’d be detached and removed, not wanting much to do with them. Haechan Is still young himself and he’d need time to grow and mature so don’t expect much help from him when it comes to parenting. Haechan’s relationship with his child is comparable to that of a friend, or a sibling. If Haechan were older when he had the child he might behave differently. 

“What do we need a baby for? Are you not satisfied with the way things are now?”

[akabane-yum]

OTP Asks - All Of Them (9-16) <- Part One

For @toorumochi assass :P

For the Angst

9. Have they made each other cry?

Short answer: Yes

Long answer:

Karma knew that Gakushuu would be a difficult person to live with and that he was sensitive despite his hard exterior, but that didn’t mean he didn’t get annoyed too sometimes.

That night they were arguing about who knows what, saying things they didn’t mean, when the insults became half truths and eventually full truths that became insults. Karma said something along the lines of “Oh, and it’s not my fault your dad didn’t raise you right but it your fault that you’re becoming exactly like him, don’t ask me why I’ll need therapy more than twice a week after this.”

If it hadn’t already clicked to Gakushuu that they were fighting fighting before then, now he got the message. He ran out of the room without another word and Karma had to pace to cool down. Karma decided to sleep on the couch that night and only realized Shuu went off crying the next morning, when the air was cold and rigid and Shuu had tear stains under his eyes. Karma didn’t say anything though, he didn’t really know how to fix it. They ended up spending that whole day apart and eventually had a long talk.

———————

Gakushuu made Karma cry when he told him they’d probably end up breaking up. Karma was joking about meeting Shuu’s mom and Shuu just laughed saying he didn’t think they’d make it that far. That messed with Karma’s perception of permanence and what he thought they were. He thought they were gonna get married some day and that they were going to live together and... what? He tried to ask Gakushuu why he thought they wouldn’t make it and Shuu seemed unbothered. He said something about how they were incompatible in many ways and how they were both handfuls and how life would get harder and how Karma probably wouldn’t be able to handle all the weird changes in Gakushuu’s life because of how the businesses was booming. They said goodnight after that and Karma found himself outside at 3am taking a walk. He didn’t realize he was crying till he came home and Shuu asked him why he was crying. His first instinct was to say he was doing drugs but that would get them nowhere. Instead he said he didn’t want to talk about it, and they went to bed. He could think about permanence another day. And he did, they talked about both that and their insecurities going forward to try to salvage their relationship. (I can imagine that this is a few years into their relationship.)

10. Write a ~300 word argument scene for them.

In another post !

11. What causes them to fight?

The lighthearted answer would be: anything and everything. They fight over how many pillows they need but always laugh about it in the end.

Another answer would be: the fact that at the beginning of their relationship they were insecure about themselves. You know you really shouldn’t get into a relationship until you love yourself enough, at least in most cases. But for them I’m guessing that the mutual attraction was enough for them to get together, which isn’t always bad b u t for them they had a lot to unpack. It’s surprising and maybe even kinda toxic that they stayed together after the first part of their relationship but now they’re happy. I can imagine that they’re happier as adults at least, and that they still do fight over small things like the TV volume but those fights don’t even count as fights. It’s just a little conversation to keep them going yknow?

12. Do they have differing political opinions?

Kinda? Gakushuu is a businessman and probably took a course called “creating capitalism” so we can assume he’s pro capitalism, and on the other hand Karma joined the bureaucracy in Japan (and Japan is, if I’m not mistaken, a socialist country) so he’s probably at least pro socialism.

I just want to comment on how this is cool because Gakushuu being pro capitalism is a solo player as the CEO with the most shares of his corporation. Whereas Karma who we assume is pro socialism works as a bureaucrat for the government. Which is cool because capitalism is more about individuals climbing the corporate ladder and whatnot whereas socialism is more of a government intervention thing where the government has control and places limitations. (There’s way more to it but I tried to badly summarize.) So they’re both doing very well in their respective economies. That being said, we could go into the capitalist tendencies in Japan but we won’t! AHEM THE MAIN QUESTION WAS ABOUT POLITICS BUT I WARPED IT SORRY THEYRE PROBABLY BOTH MORE LIBERAL BUT I WONT GO INTO THAT.

Anyways to finish off explaining the “kinda” I answered with, I said kinda because I don’t think they feel strongly enough about their own (preferred) economies to argue about it. Though maybe Karma will complain about some of the disparity in wealth he sees between Gakushuu and others but honestly I don’t see them caring much, since they have the luxury of living in their own bubble of karushuu happy fun. I hope this blurb made sense.

13. Name something they would never do for the other person

Gakushuu would never give up his ambitions to be with Karma. Sounds sad but after letting go of some of those insecurities that were there at first, he’s found his self worth and won’t give up all his hard work for anyone. Is that selfish? Personally I don’t think so, because it would be selfish for someone to ask him to let go of his dreams for them. Karma would never do that anyway, so. By give up his ambitions for Karma I mean like if Karma were to ask Gakushuu to drop his work or him, he’d be dropping Karma.

Karma would never settle down entirely because Gakushuu asked him to. This is similar to the first one but I don’t think he wants to calm down and live in another tropical country and retire young just because they have enough money you know? Not like Gakushuu would ever ask him to slow down but if he did then Karma would still probably work a few jobs because of how boring life would be without something to do. This is basically like Gakushuu’s but I feel like Karma’s is less intense and he wouldn’t break up with Gakushuu right away because of this.

Take that as you will ^^

14. What would be a dealbreaker

This is the same as the last one I think. Telling the other to slow down and pick between their passions (for work lmao) or them. Since it’s the same ish for both of them I don’t think there would be that much of an issue though. Maybe if Karma killed Shuu’s cat then that would be a dealbreaker, who knows.

15. What are traits they dislike in one another?

Karma dislikes how Gakushuu is a workaholic and Gakushuu hates how Karma is taller than him :P also how quick he is at making impulsive decisions. HmMm maybe also how Karma snores- that’s not even a trait i- anywayyyyssss

16. If they broke up, what would be their opinions of each other.

Oh boy. I’ve thought about this for not karushuu things too so here’s my take on this:

Karma would consider Gakushuu as an addition to the toxic people in his life. First his parents, then some of his teachers, and now his first boyfriend. He’d remember the happy moments they had together but quickly try to replace them with the sadder memories. He’d try his best to paint Gakushuu is the worst lighting, he’d villainize (not a word but shh) him so he could go on thinking he didn’t do anything wrong and it was Gakuhsuu’s toxicness that tore them apart.

Gakushuu wouldn’t think of Karma. Not after a bit of time, not because Karma never came to mind again after the breakup, but because any thoughts of Karma would be illegal. Honestly I can see him thinking that his time with Karma was an era of weakness. He can’t go back to that weak state, not even in his memories, so he doesn’t. (Well maybe in the middle of the night some days he does but he’d never admit to that.) I hope my grammar here was bearable lmao.

I’m sorry I’m tired lmao I can’t proofread but yk :))) next part up soon!

[lit-in-thy-heart]

you know what, what's the point of being on this platform if you don't get to bellow into the void about your interests in the hope of finding someone with the same interest?

in light of this, let me inflict a lowdown of the victorian literature (mostly novels because poetry is difficult to collate) that i've read for my module this year upon my mutuals

i'll do a separate one for vampire novels and reblog with the link

because what are the victorians without vampires? straight

bleak house (dickens): what a ride that was! yes, it was nearly a thousand pages and, yes, some chapters i was like can we move on please, but that's dickens for you. honestly, i loved it. if you're looking for thinly-veiled lesbianism, this is the book for you (esda all the way, if they even have a ship name). unfortunately i already knew one of the plot twists due to watching dickensian five years before, but there are plenty more to go around! if you can get through the first chapter describing nothing but fog and the law courts, you're in for one hell of a treat -- just don't google anything about it until you've finished because you will get spoiled (or don't share a house with me, where i'll tell you the entire plot as i'm reading it). definitely recommend, but marking it down for the heteronormativity with allan. (9.5/10)

villette (c. brontë): where to fucking start. i, quite frankly, do not care for charlotte brontë, and when reading the earlier novel agnes grey by anne, i could see some more things that charlotte has filched for this travesty. no victorian novel is going to be without problems, but this one was xenophobic, ableist and, of course, racist. the protagonist doesn't really give anything away, which is meant to make her more mysterious, but it just renders her an empty vessel. oh, and she tells you stuff that she's figured out waaaaaay after she says she's figured it out, a bit like she's allowing you to feel smart for making a connection before going 'oh yeah i knew that like twelve chapters ago, keep up'. some of the passages are really striking and there's maybe one character who's likeable but that's about it. i'd say it's more a story of omission than repression tbh. (4/10)

janet's repentance (eliot): wait, have i even finished this? no, no, i have not. it's fine, i wasn't going to tell you the ending anyway. i did get hooked eventually, there were just a LOT of names thrown around in the first few chapters, and a word that i didn't know was used frequently (turns out it was a name for the followers of this guy). i did get strong hester prynne/arthur dimmesdale vibes from some of the main characters, but janet is a very sympathetic character which, after reading villette, was nice. slightly depressing in some places, but a good enough read if you're not cramming it in the day before your tutorial, because it is mildly dense. (7/10)

the wonderful adventures of mrs seacole in many lands (seacole): not what i'd been expecting to read on my module, what with it being a biography, but enjoyable nonetheless. horrible histories lied to me, though, she was in her 40s/50s when she treated people in the crimean war, not in her 20s, but that's minor. it was actually quite funny??? like she was very reluctant to give away to give away her age and almost slipped up a couple of times, and also made some very biting remarks about people who were passing comment on her skin colour. for a biography, it wasn't hugely biographical, in that she was married for what seemed all of five minutes before her husband died, when in fact they were married for several years, but if you want an in-depth depiction of war, this is for you. not what i'd usually read, but some of the descriptions are so vivid that it does read like a novel in places, though sometimes the descriptions were so detailed that i did tune out at odd intervals. (9/10)

the happy prince and other stories (wilde): if you're feeling low, don't read these. don't. especially not 'the nightingale and the rose', because that was honestly heartbreaking. really well-written, some passages were just beautiful, i just wasn't in the right headspace to fully appreciate it. it also has a lot of death, i should probably explicitly say that. (8/10)

agnes grey (a. brontë): chef's kiss, honestly. if i'd read this last year then i think it definitely would have hit a lot harder, what with agnes moving away from home for the first time and struggling with loneliness around people who she is different from. beautifully written, i'm irritated at myself for not reading it sooner, even though i've owned a copy for about four years or so. agnes does come across as a bit wet sometimes, but those moments are rare and far between, she's overall a resilient character who is trying to make her own way in the world. seeing as i managed to get through the whole thing and didn't lose focus on what i was reading, i rate it higher than jane eyre (which is a rip-off of this anyway). we stan anne. though i am marking it down for the underdeveloped romantic relationship that just pops up (9.5/10)

now for some old classics that weren't taught on my module, but i can't not mention them

a tale of two cities (dickens): this was my first dickens book and oh my word what a book. yeah, okay, lucie is a bit of a wet dishcloth and has basically no personality, but there is definitely something there between her and her maid. sydney is my baby and oh so gorgeously dramatic ("you have kindled me, heap of ashes that i am, into fire"), which was perfect for the pangs of unrequited love. the plot is slightly confusing, and you don't really understand everything until right near the end, but i loved finding parallels in the chapters set in france with the chapters set in britain. oh and the showdown between miss pross and madame defarge is wonderful. i had a tradition of reading it on the run-up to christmas, just because that was the period when i read it for the first time, but i haven't done that for the past two years just because of exams and stuff. now, bleak house just pips it at the post, but i still love it dearly. (9/10)

wuthering heights (e. brontë): i couldn't review victorian literature and not include this. there are very strong similarities between this and villette (seems charlotte really drew on her sisters' work), particularly in terms of me not liking a single one of the characters except hareton. everyone is called cathy. literally. and heathcliff/cathy one is a toxic ship that should not be boarded. it is obsession, not love. the second volume is basically a repeat of the first one, thus showing that humanity will never move past its vices and will be caught in a vicious cycle of self-destruction for the rest of time. again, though, beautifully and vividly written. the characters are the type that you love to hate. (8/10)

the tenant of wildfell hall (a. brontë): what. a. book. this was a book that was simultaneously loved and condemned as scandalous when it came out. there's mystery, there's a woman escaping a horrible situation and making her own living, and there's a well-developed relationship! and the characters are likeable (i love rose, she's great, completely goes off at her brother when she has to do things for him all the time), which always puts it onto a winner. there's one chapter with gilbert that i have to skip just because i hate what he does in it. there are quite a lot of religious references, with redemption playing a huge part in the novel, but even the religious views brontë expresses went against a lot of the teachings of the anglican church at the time. do i even need to say that it's beautifully written if it's anne? marking it down for gilbert's behaviour and arguable control of helen's narrative. (9.5/10)

far from the madding crowd (hardy): i love this book. a little more uplifting than tess but still with the drama and murder you'd expect from hardy. maybe my review is influenced by my tiny crush on bathsheba: she's not the best role model but damn what a woman. gabriel isn't quite bae but i love him all the same, i'm so glad he's happy in the end. (9/10)

[bobateastay]

A list of responses on what readers like/dislike seeing in smut, put together to help writers. Certain answers have been excluded/edited to avoid repetition. It’s worth keeping in mind that some complaints seem to be things that could be avoided with more detailed tags or warnings on the author’s behalf. This is all feedback taken from a survey made by @violethhj ! All advice under the cut.

Things readers dislike seeing in smut:

Degradation.

I don't really know but I’m not a big fan of when writers make people out to be yandere or extreme doms.

Anything that’s hurting the s/o like slapping their face.

How everything has choking or daddy kink and when both characters fall asleep immediately afterwards.

Gagging and anal.

Excessive jealousy and possessiveness leading to sex, e.g. ‘you can't wear that, I'll need to punish you’ type of stuff. It seems like a very unhealthy relationship to me and I know that I wouldn't let someone rail me after they tell me what to do like that.

Use of ball gags.

Seeing the words “sensitive bud” always kind of made me feel weird.Just anything that not all women (if female reader is specified) have. Yes, I have big enough boobs to grope but not everyone does, and not everyone has the perfect body.

Not prepping the reader if it's just head on penetration and the female hasn't had time to get wet/it isn't stated. Especially if it's something like ‘it hurt but I let him fuck me anyway’. Also if it's a full-on fic with a bit of a story and the time between sex starting and orgasm is too short (lack of build-up in the sex scene).

I only hate it when the reader is pictured as skinny and almost perfect. I'd love to have a reader insert story with a bigger tummy, sorta saggy boobs and stuff.

When it’s rushed and the storyline gets unclear.

Size kink. I definitely fit the height requirement but I’m chubby, not petite and “small”.

"Bundle of nerves" makes me uncomfortable.

"His member" just say dick please I beg of you. Also very toxic relationships that are just kinda normalized - like bdsm is so popular in smut and a lot of smut writes it incorrectly.

Honestly any allusions to taboo/nasty kinks.

“Blushed,” “red/pink cheeks,” “hair in a messy bun” etc..

I hate the use of like random nouns or adjectives as a placeholder for cock or pussy or tits! For example: “his rod,” “her flower,” “their mounds.”

Idol does all the talking while the reader can’t form coherent words.

I don’t like daddy/mommy kinks because it reminds me of p***philia.

Incredibly naive/innocent reader (written like she has never even heard of sex).

Mentions of hickeys/hand marks/bruises/blushing since those are harder to show up on darker skin which is what I have.

Reader not sticking up for themselves.

When the author describes nipples or genitals as having a pink color. For dark skinned people it's the nipples are darker and then a gradual darkening in the lower region. Regardless color should not be described if it's a reader insert.

Things readers enjoy seeing in smut (60% of these answers were dialogue related! Authors please take this into consideration!):

Dialogue! Or maybe just a short phrase. I love it because it feels more intimate/natural. Also like it when the reader is wanted - with more hardcore smut/dom!idol smut I still want something to show mutual attraction. Like the idol isn't just a fuck machine - they also want to feel good and are enjoying the sex.

In dialogue: they're lowkey humiliating/patronising by speaking in soft voice or chuckling and mocking and things feel intense but not rushed and then the moment hits. When they slow down and then go rough again and it goes like that.

Proper progression! PWP is perfectly fine but you can’t look at a stranger in a library for one second and with no dialogue, context, or build up you’re all of a sudden being bent over a desk with no kind of relationship or chemistry even hinted at.

I love it when authors portray a teasing scene, the small descriptions that most authors don't bother to include (i.e., “his hard on brushed lightly against her inner thigh as he reached for his shirt”).

I love when dirty talk is written well, when it feels like an actual conversation, not just ‘yeah, you like that’ and nothing else.

Non-sexual teasing.

Receiving oral, finger sucking.

Description of the partner’s physical/emotional feelings and not just the reader’s.

I love a good plot! I like the build up of waiting for the smut to finally start.

Moments that aren’t super serious/realistic embarrassing moments.

Really soft aftercare.

Longer foreplay.

Emotions from both parties.

[a-moth-called-mof]

Because I'm feel like it

I need to vent about my mixed feelings about Fwt for a sec

If I mentioned anyone's names or talk about anyone, I don't mean the actual irl person, I mean their characters in the Dream SMP

Tw // Manipulation, unhealthy relationships, toxic co-dependency(I guess?)

Disclaimer: I will be talking about some of my conflicting feelings on Fwt. This includes negative opinions on Fwt so if you are a Fwt shipper and you don't want to read about this, please feel free to scroll past this. I will also be talking VERY negatively about Character! Dream

Okay so I've been a Fwt shipper for a while now and I've gotten quite attached to this ship. However, ever since the November 16th War™, I've been having mixed feelings about this ship and shipping this ship is becoming increasingly hard.

Now, due to the lack of canon content and acknowledgement, shipping this ship was already hard but after the November 16th War™, it somehow became worse?

Okay time to rant about some of my problems with this ship:

( I'm not going to talk about how they basically never interact because literally every Fwt shipper and their mother has already mentioned it )

1. Dream is a bad person :/

Now Dream has never really been a good person to begin with but before the. November 16th War™, it was easier to ignore or downplay this because there were other villians like Wilbur and Schlatt. When Wilbur and Schlatt were still alive, it was easier to make Dream look more sympathetic and likeable because in comparison to both Wilbur and Schlatt, he could easily be seen as "not that bad".

But now that they're dead, you can't really do that anymore. Also the lack of "main villian" for season 2 is really not helping. (Because I'm a certified Technoblade apologist) I don't really see Technoblade as a villian, much less the "main villian", meaning this leaves only Dream left as a possible "main villian". This has kind of caused me to realise that Dream is a really shitty manipulative person and it's becoming harder and harder for me to keep ignoring that.

2. This relationship seems pretty one sided

(This is more of a minor issue honestly) Basically the only person who actively brings up and talks about this relationship is Fundy. Fundy's always talking about how much he loves Dream or how much he can't wait for their wedding, etc. Now this is fine and all but considering the fact Dream's only brought up their relationship like once or twice and doesn't seem nearly as enthusiastic about it as Fundy, it's starting to seem pretty one sided. It doesn't feels like they're mutually in love and more like one of them is just in love with other while the other awkwardly tries to ignore him :/

3. The possibility of Dream manipulating Fundy

Let's be real, the only reason anyone ships this ship (me included) is because they want good things for Fundy so the fact that there even is a very real possibility of Dream manipulating Fundy is kind of just Yikes, not gonna lie.

Now the fact that Dream kind of has a track record of manipulating people and using them for his own personal gain(This is such a red flag, I swear to god-) and the fact that Fundy is probably in one of, if the most, vulnerable place in his life right now(more on that later) really rubs me the wrong way.

Also Dream's lack of visible interest in Fundy really isn't helping his case whatsoever

4. The date of the wedding

The wedding is allegedly happening today(?) or at least soon. Honestly when I first heard the news, I was overjoyed but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to hope it doesn't happen yet.

As mentioned before, Fundy isn't doing too well at the moment. He's going through a lot and I really don't think he's in the right mental state to get married right now. I feel like he, at least, needs to work on his issues before he can even consider getting married

5. Their current relationship in canon is pretty unhealthy in my opinion

They barely communicate and Dream just straight up hasn't talked or checked up on Fundy after the November 16th War™. Like I didn't expect Dream to apologise or anything but like HE DIDN'T EVEN CHECK UP ON HIM AFTER THE FUCKING WAR. DOES HE JUST NOT CARE??? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW HE JUST STOOD THERE WHILE HIS FIANCÉ WAS BEING BEAT UP BY THE FORMER DICTATOR WITH A GLASS BOTTLE-

Idk, I just don't really like their current relationship in canon

6. The possibility of Fundy developing an unhealthy co-dependency on Dream

(it's getting late for me so I'm going to have to be quick)

Okay so let's just say Dream isn't manipulating Fundy and they are genuinely in love. Well there's still possibility of Fundy developing an unhealthy co-dependency on Dream. Look, Fundy's going through a lot right now and I'm scared he's going to rely way too much on his relationship with Dream to keep him happy. Don't get me wrong, relationships can and should make you happy but they can't be only thing making you happy because that's extremely unhealthy and it will eventually overwhelm your partner, causing your relationship to fall apart

(Then again, I'm a random teenager on the Internet who's never dated anyone so what do I know :/)

I need to go to sleep soon so I'm going to have to end it there :I

All of that being said, this in no way means that I will stop shipping this ship but I just felt like I needed to acknowledge some of my problems with it. I am genuinely hoping they sort through their problems and have a healthy relationship

Also, I have been trying to write this for the past 2 hours and it is now midnight so I hope this at least made some sense

(Love how the majority of this is literally just me shitting on Dream and thinking Fundy can do better lol

Oh the struggles of disliking Dream, being a Fundy stan that just wants good things for him and being a Fundywastaken shipper 😔 /hj)

[prorevenge]

Neighbours refused to be quiet, so I played the long game and made them move out

A few years ago I got hired at a job in a big city with expensive rent. I slept on my brother's couch for a few months while I struggled to find a place, but eventually found someone in an old building who wanted to get out of their rental agreement. The apartment was pretty close to work and in a nice area, so I took it, almost too good to be true...

It didn't take long for me to realize I made a big mistake. The building was old, and the walls were made of plaster. Any sound reverberated like crazy, I could hear people cough and sneeze like they were standing in my place. What's worse, I shared one of these thin walls with my neighbours, who were absolutely fucking insane. They just would not shut up. I would hear a man and woman argue constantly, often until 2 or 3 in the morning. And by arguing I mean literally screaming and shouting and throwing things against the wall. When they weren't arguing they were always just LOUD, shouting and whining at each other like little kids constantly. Pretty much the quintessential toxic, obnoxious couple. And the shit they would argue about was so stupid! I remember hearing an argument about who's turn it was to steal shampoo from the drug store. One time the boyfriend decided to yell "THE BIBLE SAYS WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS" over and over again for some reason. Almost every day it would be something different and uniquely annoying.

The first real incident happened when I was woken up by screaming and banging against my wall at 1am. I did what I usually did (blasted Kenny G through my speakers at the wall until they shut up), but this time it didn't work. The banging got louder so I stopped the music, but then it got worse and sounded like a fight. It was hard to describe, but it sounded like the woman was getting beaten up. At this point I was more concerned than mad so I called my superintendent, who told me to call the police (not the US). The police came, the neighbours told them everything was fine, the police left, it was quiet, I went back to bed.

Literally the next night I am woken up again at 1am by my neighbours having another argument. This time I heard a BOOM, then the woman say "oh my god" in an weird voice, and then banging and what sounds like someone being strangled. The noises were freaky and way more concerning than even last time so I called the police again. The police came, the neighbours told them everything was fine again, the police left again, and it was quiet again, but this time the police called me back and basically told me I was an idiot for wasting their time. They said there was no evidence of any fight and both neighbours denied anything even happened. Even the superintendent said that no one else on the floor complained and intimated that I was starting to become a nuisance. I decided from this point forward I was going to go full Spielberg with video evidence.

The noise was bad for the next 6 months, and I would get woken up at least once a week after midnight by yelling and screaming. I made a few written complaints, a few videos as evidence, and sent them to the property manager. There was enough to serve them an eviction notice and go to the landlord/tenant board, but somehow the property manager fucked up the date for the hearing and it never actually took place. Thankfully the noise stopped anyway (for now...), so I assumed the neighbours finally got the message and would be quiet from now on. I didn't fight for another hearing because the eviction notice gave the neighbours an opportunity to be quiet, which they sort of did.

As an aside, the video evidence I gathered during this time was BEAUTIFUL. I was pleasantly surprised that my phone was very good at picking up their voices. It got to the point where I would get excited when I was woken up in the middle of the night, because I would run out into the hallway and film their door and room number as the noise blasted out and echoed down the hall. I gathered some damning, unambiguous evidence, pure gold, and it was all timestamped at around midnight or 1am. But because the hearing got cancelled I didn't get to present my evidence (at least not yet...)

For a few months, everything was reasonably ok. They were still loud as fuck during the day. and there were a few times after 11pm on weeknights where I went to their door and asked them to keep it down, but other than that things were mostly better, and I was starting to be able to relax in my place for once. Yet again it was too good to be true...

One day around 2:30 in the afternoon I start hearing this weird, high-pitched screeching coming from my neighbours place. And it doesn't stop for hours. I'm sitting on my couch trying to figure out what it is. It sounds like a giant fucking tropical bird moved in next door.

Well it turns out, after all the shit we went through a year ago with the noise complaints and eviction notice, my neighbours decided it would be a good idea to get a dog.

And of course these obnoxious assholes couldn't just get a quiet, normal, well-behaved dog. They had to get a completely untrained, 4 month old, tiny, yappy Pomeranian that was INCAPABLE of being quiet. This thing would yap and screech and bark over and over and over EVERY DAY for HOURS.

While I'm still coming to terms with how miserable my life is about to become, I get a note under my door. On it, my neighbour writes that she just got the dog as an emotional support animal for her mental health, and asks the whole hallway to please try to tolerate the noise.

Fuck that shit. I'd already been living next to and listening to these neighbours scream at each other for over a year. They were confirmed fucking morons; two insane, toxic assholes in a mutually abusive relationship. I knew with CERTAINTY that they weren't capable of taking care of this dog properly and the noise situation would go to complete shit.

And regarding the mental health, I was going through my own troubles during this time (in part due to lack of sleep) and was seeing a therapist. The last year of complaints should have made it clear to anyone that noise was a problem for me, especially getting woken up at night. Of all the things this neighbour could have chosen to help their mental health, they chose the most obnoxious thing possible. They knew getting a loud dog was going to be a problem and they did it anyway. It was time for WAR.

I realized if I wanted this noise to stop, or to be even taken seriously, I needed a mountain of evidence against my neighbours. I researched the evictions process and everything that was required. I checked the forms my superintendent would have to send out for an eviction notice. I read threads on reddit about slumlords and neighbour disputes. It became clear to me the only way to win was to be religiously disciplined both in gathering evidence and refusing to retaliate (no more Kenny G). I became a noise-complaint monk, taking a vow of disciplined log taking, and relying on mantras like "shut the fuck up... shut the fuck up...."

Once I submitted my first written complaint, things got bad. My neighbours flipped out when they realized I was complaining again. I heard stuff like "OF ALL THE APARTMENTS IN --- WE HAVE TO LIVE NEXT TO THIS FUCKING GUY?!" for a few days. Then the loud arguments in the middle of the night started all over again. And one of the neighbours got into the new habit of SLAMMING their chest of drawers against my wall at 2am.

The barking also got much worse. The emotional-support-animal letter said that the barking would get better once the dog was trained, but from what I could hear my neighbours methods of training began and ended with screaming at the dog just like they screamed at each other each day. "NO! BAD DOG!", "BE QUIET!", "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" came through my wall in new and varied combinations every day. And every time an argument started between my neighbours the dog would always join in, even in the middle of the night. The constant level of noise was insane.

For over a year, l logged every instance of yelling, shouting, and barking coming from my neighbours apartment. It didn't matter if it was after 11pm or not at this point, I was trying to demonstrate how I can't get peace at any time of day. And when I say every instance, I mean I had minute-to-minute logs of every loud noise and every word I heard from my neighbours wall. If I was woken up in the middle of the night it went in the log. If I heard the dog bark from 12pm-1pm on February 2nd it went in the log. If I heard someone yell "YOU PEED ON THE FLOOR AGAIN, FUCK!" at the dog it went in the log. Honestly it sucked and made me almost lose my fucking mind, but by the time I was done I had pages and pages of notes

Obviously written logs wouldn't be enough. I already had a decently fat stack of video evidence to demonstrate the true character of my neighbours, but I needed current evidence if there was going to be another hearing. Fuck Spielberg, now I was Coppola in the heart of darkness. I got more videos of screaming and shouting coming out of their door. I got videos of banging and barking against my shared wall. I got videos of screaming, shouting, banging, and barking all at the same time, or in any combination. I had amassed a war-chest of video evidence to be deployed at the next available hearing, but I was getting war-weary

At this point I was like 6 or 8 months into the complaints process and I could barely take it anymore. I was getting woken up like 2 nights a week and would be a zombie at work (I complained about my neighbours at work often). I was finding it harder and harder to keep myself from blasting music, or banging on their wall, or kicking their fucking door down. But I managed to stay strong, and I followed the eviction process like it was my religion. I sent in a second written complaint, then a third which resulted in an eviction notice, which gave the neighbours an opportunity to be quiet. This time they didn't give a fuck, if anything they were louder than ever before. I was looking for other places to move into when I finally get good news from the property manager: there's a hearing date!

There was light at the end of the tunnel, but once the neighbours heard about the hearing date they did everything they could to fuck me up. There were no attempts to stop the barking anymore, it was constant. The screaming matches were back in full force, and when they started yelling and screaming the dog would go nuts! It was just an insane amount of noise.

And the drawers were ridiculous! Honestly I never expected the slamming drawers to be that bad but they easily eclipsed the barking and the shouting. They would SLAM and SLAM and SLAM the drawers over and over again against my wall. And because of the plaster it would BOOM BOOM BOOM and echo through my whole place. These assholes were definitely doing it on purpose.

3 days before the hearing date I go to bed at 9:45pm. At 10pm I'm still not asleep but I'm startled by BOOM BOOM of the drawers, I log it and go back to bed. At 11:30pm I wake up to BOOM BOOM BOOM again, and I'm pissed off. It takes me half an hour but I fall asleep again. Then at 12:45am BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM there it is again! I call my superintendent, tell her what's going on, the super calls them and tells them to stop. I fall back asleep. Then at 1:30am BOOM BOOM BOOM I wake up super fucking angry, it's obvious they're doing this on purpose to piss me off before the hearing and get a reaction out of me. I call the super again, and go back to sleep again. Then at 2:45am BOOM BOOM BOOM I can't take it anymore. I scream "DO IT AGAIN!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!" I lost it, I couldn't help myself. My discipline broke. My superintendent calls me and tells me my neighbours just said I yelled a death threat through the wall (what the fuck?) and that they're calling the police (WHAT THE FUCK?). Everything just feels fucked now, I can't sleep so I just wait until morning. No police show up and I go to work. I realized I couldn't even stay at my place anymore until this hearing was over, so I went back to my brothers couch for the next 3 days.

Finally the big day arrives. I gather my evidence: Over a year of meticulously logged noise complaints, 6 instances of video evidence (I cherry picked the gold out of 20 good ones), the previous eviction notice the neighbours received, 4 written noise complaints (including the 2 from the previous eviction notice), a letter from my co-worker about poor work performance due to lack of sleep, and even a letter from my therapist about how my neighbours' excessive noise was affecting my mental health.

I got there and met the property manager and superintendent, who were there with the owner of the property management company and a slick looking lawyer. I handed the lawyer all my evidence. I gave him a usb stick with the videos. I even handed over my big bluetooth speaker to make sure the videos were loud enough to hear (laptop speakers suck).

I look over to my neighbours and they are wide-eyed. They look scared! Finally!

We all go into the landlord/tenant board room with everybody. The adjudicator first asks if anyone wants to mediate instead of going through with the hearing. My neighbour's hand immediately shoots up. I say in front of everybody "I don't want to mediate!" but apparently it's not up to me and the lawyer takes me aside.

The lawyer tells me if it goes to mediation, the neighbours and the property management create an agreement (e.g. no more noise at x o'clock), and if that agreement is broken once it results in an immediate eviction. He explains if we go in front of the board instead it's a 50/50 chance they either get evicted or get off completely. Obviously mediation is the better way to go, I know these idiots are already incapable of keeping quiet, so I agree with the lawyer. We go out to find the neighbours and they're nowhere to be found. Turns out they opted for the free legal counsel ( I wonder why) and won't be available until the afternoon.

While waiting I explain to the property manager, owner, and lawyer what happened a few days ago with the slamming drawers all night long. When I made my complaints before no one really took them seriously, but today everyone is very interested in everything I have to say.

The afternoon comes, and I'm excluded from the mediation meeting because it's between the neighbours, the lawyer, and the owner. I can't hear what they're saying but I can hear my neighbours yelling and shouting from inside the room so I know it's not going well for them.

Everyone leaves the room and the lawyer comes up to me. He tells me the mediation failed, the neighbours refuse to change their behaviour and won't accept any terms. The lawyer says they have to go in front of the adjudicator again but by now it's almost the end of the day.

I wait another hour or two and everyone comes out. I see my neighbours leave as the lawyer comes by again and explains. Apparently, after the mediation failed, the property management owner offered my neighbours 2 months rent FREE if they agreed to move out in 2 months. The neighbours agreed, but when they all went in front of the adjudicator the neighbours changed their minds and said no! And apparently a second offer was made, which they said yes to, and then no again, all in front of the adjudicator! They ended up running out of time and the adjudicator cut the hearing short and said it would have to be resolved in a second hearing. I was disappointed, but the lawyer assured me that because of how capricious and insane my neighbours behaved in during the hearing, they would almost certainly be evicted during a second hearing. I was dismayed that it wasn't over, but hopeful the end was coming soon. I also felt vindicated, it was finally clear to everyone that my neighbours were actually insane and I wasn't just making this up.

The next two months weren't as bad as before. I continued my long steady march of logs and videos. But the noise definitely let up, especially the drawers. One day near the end of the second month I started to hear insane barking, it would not stop. It went on for hours and hours and hours. I called the superintendent to complain when they told me it was probably because the neighbours were moving out today. YES! HAHAHA! FINALLY! Apparently she couldn't tell me earlier because of privacy reasons. As they were moving out I blasted 'Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye' on loop, put in some earplugs, and took a 2 hour bath.

My apartment is quiet now and I can finally sleep. It wasn't exactly the satisfying crushing blow I wanted but my discipline paid off and now I can live in peace.

(source) story by (/u/ZapoiBoi)

[therodrigator6]

Well, hello there fellers.

You can ignore this text post if you want, it comes straight from me, completely outside of Drawings or Proyect updates.

I just really felt as though I needed to take the time to write up my thoughts into a, very possibly, LOOOOOOOOOOOONG post, since I have a LOT on my head right about now.

So, my melancholy, rather depressing, but perhaps amusing, musings, under the cut.

Right, so my whole string of thought was sort of just... proppeled out of me reminiscing about the past... 2 years, maybe year and a half.

I got thinking hard about She-Ra again, LMAO. and I know, I KNOW, why am I even thinking about that damned show again.

BUT, I was really thinking hard about how much I went through, positively I mean, how much growth I had (Around my art and my vocation obviously) with She-Ra.

And really, if you were to scour through my blog, if you went back all the way to... maybe it was late 2018, early 2019, when I posted my first fanarts around She-Ra, you’ll see how far back I was, skill-wise. I mean I wasn’t exactly a beginner, but I weren’t no Grade A artist neither.

And PRIOR to all of that I had more or less drawn fanart intermitently.

Anyone who followed me back when I made RWBY stuff, specifically Whiterose fanart could attest to that. I wasn’t consistent at all, and I experimented more often than not with every single drawing I was making. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed drawing stuff for RWBY, I sort of miss it now LMAO.

But I can certainly see just HOW POWERFULLY drawn I was to She-Ra, because my output of content and the growth of my skill as an artist was EXPONENTIAL. I suppose in a way I owe it really to MY sudden... obsession? Fixation? on that show.

VERY HONESTLY, at this point in time, I feel like I could REALLY speak on what things drew me to She-Ra, and precisely what things KEPT me there. IDK I think it used to be a very special little show.

On one hand? I really had just decided to watch it because I was starting to fall out of love with RWBY.

RWBY WAS a show I’d also loved, and which also meant a lot to me, but the things that MEANT a lot to me, were just not given the story I would’ve been interested in. That AND the small fandom space I’d carved out for myself was getting even smaller. Smaller AND very... toxic? Uncomfortable? I felt as though... my efforts and my involvement in that fandom were neither welcome nor appreciated at one point, let alone the fact that on the SHIPPING side of things, it stopped being fun.

So there I was, starting She-Ra up. I’d known about it for some time before, and I’d *Heard* that it was a fun good show, and most specially... *With an active, HUNGRY fandom, raging about a very popular Ship*. So I thought to myself, YAY, I’ll watch this show and I’m REALLY gonna do my best to go for everything popular.

I was tired of unwelcoming fandoms, tired of enjoying the very little measly, *Unpopular* things about shows, this was all about having a GOOD time. And maybe finally getting my works out, really finding a motivation to create stuff.

I mean in hindsight, now I know I fucked myself over MANY times.

You see because, as soon as I started watching She-Ra, I TRIED to do something different about the way I consumed shows.

In the past I used to be VERY ship-centered about my show experiences, to the point were FANON-Ship-centric relationships with shows would make the stories I was watching really boring and bleak in comparison. I had been afraid at the time, that THIS would also ruin She-Ra for me. So I really thought about... NOT tainting my vision and perception of the show with... Fandom stuff, Fanon or Ship-centric views, NOT EVEN CREATOR INTERACTIONS. I really tried to watch it blind and enjoy it for what it was.

Fool I was, I should’ve done the opposite.

It’s a tired old story, and a really redundant thing for ME to talk about. But I really felt a DEEP disappointment with She-Ra. Akin to LOSS almost.

Cuz you see, for a year and a half I ended up CENTERING myself on She-Ra, on more than one level.

On one hand, I TRULY believed She-Ra was a show with a story that I loved, there were plenty of characters that REALLY spoke to me. Characters like Glimmer? for example? And her storyline? for me are *one in a million*.

Of course I’m... REALLY compacting my She-Ra experience. I had come to appreciate MANY things about it. It’s world, it’s story, the characters, the comedy, the animation, the people who loved it and grew because of it, etc.

Furthermore, once my initial *doubt* about the show had passed, I really immersed myself in the fandom side of things. And I gotta say, I really enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I think I experienced a new level of feeling like I *belonged* in a community, and a feeling that people LIKED what I did for it, and that people wanted MORE of ME in it.

Alongside that, and going back to animation. Geez, She-Ra came at the best *or worst* (depends on how you wanna look at it in hindsight now, LMAO), time of my life.

Literally on the verge of me finishing up with Prepschool and having to chose a career for University.

Prior to She-Ra, I really was trying to pinpoint my vocation, and animation had been in my mind for a LONG time, since Steven Universe really.

AND... Idk, AGAIN, THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT SHE-RA... which told me... “This is important”. Animation is important, being able to tell tales for people is important. Telling tales for people who need it, or people who don’t often get to tell tales is important. This medium is BEAUTIFUL, I MEAN, LOOK AT EVERYTHING IT CAN SPAWN OUT OF PEOPLE.

So it helped me make THAT decision.

Also alongside these things well... I go back to all of that about “Belonging”, and “community”.

Boy I met some of the most amazing friends I ever have in my life. People whom I respect, people who I admire, people who thought like me, liked ME, enjoyed this show, etc.

OF COURSE, at the time, and I really should’ve known better. We met out of our mutual LOVE for Glimmadora, LMAO.

ME? FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNPOPULAR SHIP? Who’da thought.

AND I DID SO, *DAMN NEAR DIVORCED FROM FANDOM* LMAOOOOO, you can see how my “I’ll learn to love whichever aspects of this show I’m *gonna* love, outside of fandom influence” policy really just fucked me in the ass.

AND GOD, DID I *LET IT* BE A PART OF ME.

That comunity, those friends, that ship, that show, those creators. It was all I thought about, and it DROVE me. so much so I put up with so much shit from my University. I put up with so many bad things in my life that were going on because of that show.

And I see now that many of those friends I mentioned did too. GOD, how I wish... we just hadn’t.

I think... for most of us things had already been pretty shit, not gonna lie.

There was the pandemic, for a start. Prior to May the 15th I had an uncle of mine die of COVID, which shook me to *my* core, but dear old She-Ra and the Glimmadora fandom gang were there to cheer me on. (This was around the time really horrid people in the She-Ra fandom, whom LOATHED Glimmadora with a passion were making “Glimmadora shippers must have Covid, since a symptom of Covid is a lack of taste” Jokes btw.)

And I think of my friends also, who have always spoken to me about their problems and their lives. For all accounts I think, they’d always had it harder than me, and they found themselves a WILL and a DRIVE to go on... through this, through She-Ra, and our friendship.

Then May the 15th came and it’s all been going downhill from there HSEBRGJKSEHRBGKJSERHGBJK.

I mean... I understand NOW, just how DAMAGING for myself it was to... cling so much to that show, to all of it. NEVER should’ve connected the drive of my vocation to it.

Cuz yanno... even if I HAVE continued to grow and get better the past few months, some things haven’t changed for the better.

For instance, I basically LOST my entire space here, in fandoms, in ejoying shows. I LITERALLY ONLY CREATE NOW... Either out of spite, or for my friends.

There is a VERY DEEP loathing now within me about stuff like... Catradora for example. I hate it, it makes me feel disgusting, simple as that. And THAT kind of feeling isn’t welcome here, also simple as that. So I’m out of a space and that hurts.

PFFT, basically all the pieces I produce now, which I still do with a She-Ra theme. Nobody’s gonna wanna consume MY content anymore, and they don’t. I made sure they couldn’t because I knew, I wasn’t going to be able to stomache this She-Ra fandom anymore.

That’s been another thing too. I don’t like being a contrarian, I don’t like being the guy who thinks the thing everybody loves is bad or wrong, and if I could SO HELP ME GOD, I’d change my entire view of it all. I don’t really care about being right or wrong anymore, I just want that peace of mind back.

HELL, there were people I knew since 2016 almost, who kinda just told me...

Shut the fuck up or leave.

On some cases I shut my mouth, on others I just left.

And yanno... I do feel miserable about it. But it also makes it all the harder when I think of my friends?

GOD DAMN, EVERYTHING THAT *COULD* GO WRONG, WENT WRONG FOR THEM.

ALWAYS, for all of my friends. And even through the hurt, I sit here and think, well I think I still have hope! I think I still have a drive to go on and persue animation  and tell good stories.

But I understand now... that *I* have a priviledge over my friends. The priviledge of support. I’m not REALLY alone, there’s people helping ME.

My friends don’t have that, and I can’t give them that, how I wish I could.

And it does just HURT only being able to tell my friends, “HEY! Have hope things’ll be better!” And then we all turn to the only beacons of hope we shared, and seeing them all dull and out of light. No Glimmer of hope.

Like, how do you tell people to hold out, to keep fighting, to keep trying to STILL CHASE THEIR DREAMS... When you can’t even help them keep their heads high when they’re trying yo get a damned job. When no matter how much THEY try they keep getting knocked down.

When there’s no longer a space were they feel confortable sharing their creations, because everyone they had ONCE tried to please with them? suddenly decided they were of no value.

So here we are.

I’m starting up a new semester in a couple of days, hopefully building myself up more to chase MY dreams... whilst all my friends suffer and can’t chase theirs.

Shit’s fucked. I wish I could do more.

PFFT, I guess, long story short:

Life unfair, Me Sad.

Me Angery, Me Bitter

Me Lost, They Won

Boohoo I guess.

SO ANYWAYS... I really just... needed to put these thoughts out in words. Scream to the void as it were.

I can’t wait to go back into discord or twitter or tumblr and see how my friends can’t catch a fucking break.

And how things will continue to get worse before they get better.

God I hope they get better, for all of us, if not atleast for them. They’ve already gone through enough.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

alright everyone raise your hand if you know where this is going.....yeah im sorry, this is about to be a train wreck of a vent post

okay so ur local teen is a smidge anxious and upset if i do say so myself. for the main reasons, of course. i’ve done literally nothing all summer, and the jealousy and anger is catching up with me, and it’s really just *chef’s kiss*. um, im also PMS-ing so that’s probably why i’ve consistently felt like shit for DAYS on end. um, i cant really tell my mom that i “can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, it’s not a trans thing, it’s called i think im fucking losing it” or something similar, not anything else. it’s um.....i absolutely hate it. i cant really talk to my therapist right now, which limits my options to family and friends. i /could/ talk to my family, but i wouldnt want to worry them, and i dont want them to send me to a psych ward. and i know that my friends are here, and they always are, but i dont want them to worry, a lot of them have jobs, and i also feel like i overshare a lot....i do overshare a lot, actually, and ive realized that it’s kinda frowned upon. so im not gonna do that. (check back in with me, this is going to cause me to bottle my emotions) i cant really find the healthy medium between those two.

let me just talk about fandom shit really quickly, because my god, i belong to a few and theyre notorious for being “toxic”. okay so, fandoms arent toxic, people are toxic. a lot of the time, a large group in that fandom have done something really shitty, or are known for something really shitty, and everyone forms one negative opinion of that group of people. kinda like stereotyping, but not quite. let me talk about BNHA for a bit. this fandom is known for “being toxic” now, let me say, i see a LOT of shit going on, a lot of discourse, and its nasty as fuck. its gross. my rule is “do what you want within reason” i just....jesus the shit going on...um. so it’s gross sexualizing of minors, all that shit, ew, nasty, disgusting, hate it. but like...bad things make it harder for me to enjoy a piece of media that BRINGS ME LEGIT JOY. like bad ppl, just SHUT THE FUCK UP, let me enjoy this. i go “am i a bad person for liking this” no, no im not, theres just a fuck ton of bad apples who kinda fuck everything up for everyone. thats it. 

and heyy, this is where we get into deep rooted issues. i have intrusive thoughts. i usually dont dwell on them, because of my relationship of “if you think this will happen, it will, especially if it’s a bad thing” and like?? i have a grandfather who’s older, im terrified of something happening to him, my dad is older, im terrified of something happening to him too. my mom as well. and especially my brother. and me too, like of course me! i have random aches and i go “is this it, am i just gonna die from this” and there’s the constant fear that i have of “i could be secretly dying and know nothing about it.” which is fun to think about. and sometimes before i go to sleep, i think “i could wake up and be dead” so thats also lots of fun to think about. my thoughts are terrifying. as well as that, i know they’re also probably not that normal. for someone of my age, absolutely not. there’s no way that im not like??? losing it with these thoughts.

also i hate the fact that my parents are arguing over some of the dumbest shit. i can hear my mom talk about my dad from MY ROOM, she’s in the kitchen, all the way across the house. and she does the same thing with me, which i hate. it hurts to have people talk about you, but especially behind your back. when they might think that they cant hear you. i hate that she does that. if she has a problem with me, please say it to my face, it’s gonna hurt, but i honestly dont even care enough, like thanks for damaging me, but saying that i keep “doing this shit” years ago, still sticks with me.

i sleep all day (because i go to sleep at 4, 5 in the morning) and also because being awake reminds me that im wasting my life, and my time. there’s also like nothing to do. i could clean, but for what? if i bake too early in the morning, i get frustrated, and scared that im just gonna feel sick (another fear of mine, yayyy), like i have when i bake too early. going outside is boring, i cant go outside of the house. my friends in town probably arent vaccinated, so theres that. my mom thinks im seeing one specific person (and im not) and for sexual reasons, in which, thanks a lot. it’s not even for that reason. i just want a hug, that’s it. it’s literally so simple. i want a hug, and to sit in the park and just bask in the sunlight with people that actually love and appreciate me. for once. but apparently i cant.

im just....done with everything. and tired.

i honestly need a fucking psychological evaluation, so does the rest of my fucking family. im tired of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. there’s no way that the normal person does these things, and thinks these thoughts. 

but yeah um, if ur under 18, write smut, do what you want, but dont show your naked ass on the internet bestie, it’s not worth the trauma.

yes, i write smut, yes its what im known for, HOWEVER, my mutuals dont see me in a sexual light, they see me as me, ellie the kiddo who writes smut and who also bakes occasionally.

ima go eat.