#honestly it feels like claire could say anything and it would get the same reaction

[galaxy-fleur]

Going strictly off of CV here, but I sooo love how vastly different Wesker is in his treatment of Chris vs everyone else. He's so detached and methodical in his violence towards Claire, treating her as nothing but a nuisance that isn't worth half his effort. In a way, that makes his cruelty towards her even scarier, knowing he literally just does not care enough to give her the time of day or treat her as a person worth making much direct conversation to. And, of course, the only moments he does show some personal interest with her is when he's pondering the possibility of hurting Chris through causing harm to her. He does not care about Claire or her pain, not one bit. He's only keeping her under his boot so she doesn't cause trouble. The only thing he does care about is Chris' potential response to what he's doing.

Compare this to his beat downs with Chris. He's fully engaged with him, practically bursting with emotion, be it glee, malice or pride. With Claire, he is methodical, calculated. With Chris, you can argue he is almost purposefully showing off to him on some level. He needs to see that shocked look in his eyes, and he'll make sure he gets exactly that. It does make you wonder which version of Wesker is scarier to deal with. The cold, detached one that will get rid of you in the quickest, most efficient way possible without batting an eye? Or the pompous, sadistic one that will gladly take his sweet time tormenting you, if only to have you squirming at his feet for his own entertainment?

I love this duality in him, genuinely. You could argue he makes himself vulnerable with Chris by getting so lost in the chase, so to speak. Which is another interesting point to think about. Either way, Wesker is one cruel guy to have to deal with.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Reddit and Twitter need this most but I won’t, because reasons

I have said before I don’t think ALL the Camry and Sydney hate is racially motivated but PLENTY of it is. It’s Richonne 2.0. This isn’t new to me.

There is the outright racist coded comments like claiming Sydney has to be a lesbian, has to be asexual, looks like Kendrick Lamar (yes, it was said), along with the inability to ever empathize with her character.

But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about unconscious bias with people who don’t get that they feel the way they do because Sydney is black. So anyone reading this may want to take a moment and honestly examine what I’m saying.

Unconscious bias is, for example, the thing that leads doctors, sometimes even black ones, to presume that black people don’t feel pain in the same way whites do. It’s not necessarily malicious intentional action or obvious hatred towards us. It’s subtle perceptions that change how one views the nature and capabilities of black people while still being able to be friends with them, respect certain qualities about them, and maybe even at times be allies. But there is always something different in perception that is so invisible that you aren’t aware of it.

I've seen it in white people, strangers and acquaintances, making assumptions about what I’m into or should be, what my education and earnings are, and who I should be friends and lovers with. It’s the thinking we can always handle anything and not be burdened. It’s what is happening a lot with Sydney, especially with Carmy.

People are allowed to not like the ship. They don’t have to. I’m not going to assume everyone who doesn’t is racist. But for anyone who doesn’t I think it would be beneficial to examine a few things.

Viewing the first scene between them, how would you interpret Carmy’s taken aback, entranced, nervous reaction to seeing her? To me it obviously says attraction and surprise. If there is another explanation I’ve never heard it. People just gloss over that interaction and I think it’s a tell. It shows that people may not be able to see him showing signs of attraction to her because she doesn’t look like who you would expect him to be attracted to.

2. How would you explain the way Carmy is constantly looking at Sydney closely like he doesn’t look at anyone else? When we see her from his perspective she if glowy or hazy or out of focus. We don’t see that with any other characters he interacts with aside from that finale flashback with Mikey. He doesn’t look at Sugar like that. Syd is the only one who gets special framing. If you’ve never noticed, why?

3. If you think Syd could be a lesbian or asexual, why her and not for instance Tina, or others on the crew? Sex isn’t referenced a lot so why is it not being referenced with her any different than it not being referenced with others? Often people assume a woman who dresses tomboyish is just that. Why can’t that just be her style? I have plenty of women friends that are straight and sexual with a similar style.

4. Could you imagine the scenes with Syd and Carmy if a man was in Sydney’s place? What would you think of the vibe?

5. Could you see Ayo in the Claire role?

6. Could you see Jeremy and Ayo playing love interests in a totally different show?

7. If Molly Gordon plays Syd could you better picture her with Carmy?

8. When you see a dark skinned black woman in a couple with a white man IRL does it make you especially take notice or feel it’s a bit off?

9. Does the thought of Sydney and Carmy kissing or being intimate make you have an extreme reaction like eeew or gross? Maybe not so extreme does it make you feel awkward to think about it?

10. Do you often compare their relationship to siblings?

11. Can you recognize the Syd isn’t into Marcus romantically and has other options?

12. Can you only envision Sydney alone and not needing romance because her career is all she needs?

13. Do you think maybe Carmy could find her attractive if she looked more glamorous?

14. Could you more easily see Carmy into Syd if she was played by Zendaya or someone that looks similar?

15. Have you never seen a couple that looks like Syd and Carmy?

16. if you saw the Emmy magazine photo shoot did you not perceive the touchy pose with Ayo and Jeremy as sexually suggestive and think it’s an impossibility?

17. How do you think Clairs would react if she saw all of their interactions?

18. Is it easy to view Sydney as having complex motivations and emotions at the same time? Can you possibly see that she’s jealous of Claire because she distracted Carmy from business AND because she has feelings for Carmy? Is it possible to think she can view Carmy as a boss, mentor, and someone she is attracted too and that’s hard to process?

All of these things may not apply to your perception but if any do realize these are very common examples of how unconscious bias plays out when thinking of black women, especially in storytelling. This is a lot of what has historically been seen with similar ships and IRL mixed couples. That’s not to discount the numerous white man, white woman ships that people don’t like, but these things are consistently present with black women and white men presented in the media and celebrity couples. There is always more scrutiny with these pairings.

You may not have a context to understand that. You may have never been questioned in this way. You may be angered to think it’s possible this is a role in how you are viewing things, but it’s the truth based on lived experience and observation. It’s worth examining.

I’m not here to be hostile, I’m just trying to voice in a gentle way what so many here already know and you may not be aware of or ready to think about.

I’m not going to argue with anybody about it but any intelligent, respectful dialogue is welcome and encouraged.

[rmg91]

Clearing the Air

Because we need more Douxie and Jim bonding moments. ...And I wanted to write these two mooning over their girlfriends.

Also on; AO3

                                               ~*~*~*~*~*~

It was a normal day in Arcadia Oaks, or well...as normal as it got for our heroes nowadays with all that had been happening in the mortal and mystical worlds. Point was none of their current big threats were in front of them and they weren't being chased by goblins or gnomes so yeah, normal day for the Trollhunters. A day to try to catch up on missed homework, play video games or hang out with friends who didn't have the weight of the worlds on their shoulders. Or, in Jim Lake Jr's case, do a favor for your girlfriend because you couldn't say no when she called and begged you to help someone instead of her because she had to now watch her baby brother. Now here he was, assisting their newest team member organize some new books at the Arcane Books store.

He didn't mind helping, really, he was doing Claire a favor after all and he'd do practically anything for her and there wasn't really anything wrong with Douxie...The guy was a real life wizard of all things! And had known and worked under Merlin, the very same who had created his amulet, which was honestly just a little awesome he had to admit, but...but he still couldn't help but, well...be jealous of the guy! He was always so buddy-buddy with Claire and making her laugh and giving her little tips on magic and a ton of other things! And of course Jim knew Claire was her own person and not an object and could have other friends but he just...he just couldn't help thinking some days that she was his girlfriend and that this show-off, flirty wizard needed to back-off! Of course he couldn't -would never actually- say anything as he didn't want to upset the raven haired witch he'd been crushing on for so long.

Still he just couldn't fight that ugly, awful, tight feeling of jealousy in his chest whenever he saw the pair together or when the wizard would inquire about doing something with her.

“So Claire had to watch that little scamp of a brother, eh?” Came the accented voice of the, much older, teen as he came back down from the second level for more books.

“Yeah, guess her parents had something to do.” Jim shrugged, not really turning to face Douxie as he shelved more books. He scolded himself inwardly for the flat response, his mother would not be proud of him, but every time Douxie brought up Claire Jim felt the jealousy monster clawing it's way up his throat and he immediately went out of character.

Douxie blinked and tilted his head, still curious as to why the newest Trollhunter seemed to be always giving him a partial cold shoulder. The rest of the gang seemed pretty accepting, Toby was always begging him to see some magic and of course he had hit it off with Claire, but the teen across him seemed to be keeping him at arms length. And he kept feeling glares at his back from time to time. Unsure what he possibly could've done to the usually kindhearted and accepting teen, Douxie scratched at head, flashing a look at Archie (who was, of course, feigning sleep on the counter), before shrugging and collecting a few more books out of a box. He'd figure it out one day.

They worked in relative silence, every attempt Douxie made to converse with Jim to pass the time becoming stilted and stiff. He had managed to start a promising conversation about cooking with the talented young chef but then he made a little quip about how he must of charmed Claire real good with his skills and maybe he could teach him some things, the wizard was hopeless in the kitchen despite his many years on earth, but something he said had shut Jim right down again. Frowning, there had to be some way to figure out what Jim's problem with him could possibly be.

“Oh, yeah! Don't let me forget to pass on a CD for Claire. Was gonna lend it to her but since she's not here...” Douxie said, tucking another book away.

“Ah...sure. I'll try to remember.” Jim muttered, firmly not looking at him from the other end of the store.

Huh...Douxie wasn't sure if he was crazy or not but a thought occurred to him just then, that Jim seemed to get closed off and tense whenever he mentioned Claire. He knew from his time talking to the budding witch that there hadn't been any fight between the two and, obviously, Jim was here on her request since she couldn't be herself, so why...? Suddenly it clicked as he listened to Jim mutter to himself and he had to shake his head. He really could still be such a moppet. The boy was jealous.

“Hey, Mate.” He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before now. The glares, the grumbles, the way he sometimes wound his arm tighter around Claire.

“Hmm?”

“You're jealous, aren't you?”

“What?! No!!” Jim said frantically, all but giving it away with his reaction. How in the world had he figured it out?! He'd been trying to hide it!

Douxie chuckled and shook his head, crossing his arms as he leaned against a shelf, watching the young Trollhunter try and sort himself out, “It's alright, Mate.”

“No. It's not!” Jim said, throwing his hands in the air, “I know I shouldn't feel jealous but I am and-and I don't want to do something that might push Claire away but like I-I just can't help it!” He couldn't stop rambling now, trying to explain his feelings and why he kind of disliked feeling so jealous because somewhere deep down he knew it was silly.

“Jim.” He looked up, blue eyes meeting Douxie's hazel. “It really is alright.” The mage held up a hand to prevent Jim from speaking before he was done, knowing what he needed to hear, “Clare and I are just friends. Honestly I kind of see her as a little sister some days.”

“Really?” So all this jealousy really was for nothing?

“Mm-hmm.” The older boy nodded before gesturing with a slightly flourish as he moved, “And I'll have you know I've been quite happily taken for the past five hundred years or so! So, you really have nothing to worry about.”

“Really? You have a girlfriend?” Jim supposed that shouldn't be as big a shock as it was but well...it was considering just how old Douxie really was.

“Mm-hmm...” Douxie hummed, face going soft with a mushy sort of smile that Jim knew he too wore whenever he thought of Claire. “And she kick my arse if I made such a colossal mistake of breaking up with her. Not that I'd ever want to, mind.”

Jim nodded, understanding that feeling, “Yeah.”

“So, we cool, Mate?” Douxie asked, holding out a fist toward Jim.

Jim returned the fist bump with a smirk, “Heh, yeah, we're cool.” And wow was it a relief to know he'd had been worried for nothing.

And with the matter settled, the two finished the rest of the afternoon sorting and shelving books, talking and gushing over their respective girlfriends. Archie merely rolled his eyes, watching unnoticed at the counter, and shook his head at the two lovesick men before going back to sleep.

~*~BONUS~*~

A few days later found Jim leaning against the counter at the cafe, sipping at the coffee Douxie had just handed him as they watched their girlfriends talking outside, Claire holding in laughter as Zoe gestured with her hands. “So...How much are we gonna regret introducing those two?”

Douxie chuckled, “Ooh-ho....immensely.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Just let these two bond over their amazing girlfriends! Also let them sleep because they go through so much. Anyway, hope you enjoyed!

[lesbianjunimo]

If you’ve played Chapter 12 of Sweet Elite, then you know what went down. Today I am here to humbly attempt to give us what we all want: A MISTLETOE SCENE WITH THE RIGHT PERSON!! WOO!

ANYWAY, here you go!! I hope you guys enjoy. I’ve only romanced Alistair so some others may be ooc but let’s hope not. Putting these under a cut because I’m assuming this is gonna get long!

Alistair:

As soon as he got back with your punch, the crowd around you guys started giggling and pointing. You two just looked at each other and shrugged. That was when they started yelling to kiss.

“What? Why?- Oh.” You finally spotted the mistletoe above the two of you. “There’s a mistletoe, Al! I couldn’t see it behind your head. You’re too tall.” That made both of you laugh.

“Really? Sorry,” he rubbed the back of his neck. The crowd had gotten bored of you both by that point. You took too long, and high schoolers have the attention span of a pigeon.

Having noticed no one was looking anymore, you quickly planted a kiss on Al’s cheek. He turned bright red immediately, holding a hand to his cheek. “What was that for? I mean, I really liked it-”

“The mistletoe!” You beamed at him and he felt like his heart could’ve exploded. He smiled back at you, taking your hand and giving it a squeeze. He was very glad he asked you to the party.

Tadashi:

If you think this man would kiss you in front of a crowd, I’m afraid you are sorely mistaken. I think the most PDA you’d get from Mr. Professional would be him jumping off a bridge after you if you happened to fall off.

So when the crowd starts yelling for him to kiss, he simply rolls his eyes. “That’s not going to happen! Stop shouting, you’ll get us all caught.” A few people called him lame, but no one really had an argument. If y’all didn’t want to kiss, so be it!

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t disappointed. You were, like, super disappointed. You had been wanting to kiss this man since Halloween night! That’s two whole months of staring at his lips! And for what!

You were a bit bummed, but the excitement of spending the rest of the party with Tadashi brought your mood back up. You had almost forgotten about the mistletoe incident entirely until he walked you back to your dorm.

“I had a really great time tonight,” you smiled at him. He blushed, returning your happy expression. “So did I...” And then he did something you didn’t expect. He took your hand in his, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing your knuckles. “I apologize for the mistletoe incident...I’d rather kiss you at a time more special than that.”

OH. OKAY COOL. THANKS. You two said goodnight and you blushed all the way until you fell asleep. Nerd.

Raquel:

She catches on to the hype of the crowd, but she doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable or move too fast. She’s about to tell you just that, but when she turns to you she sees that you’re not as hesitant as she assumed you’d be.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for months,” you’re nervous, but so giddy at the prospect of getting to kiss your crush that your feelings just rush out. You didn’t know what you expected Raquel’s response to be, but the huge smile that spread across her face was clearly the best option.

This girl absolutely dips you to give you a kiss. The crowd goes wild. She is milking it. She has spent way too much time with Axel. It’s a really good kiss, though. So good you barely even register the crowd noise. 

When you’re both back upright and you pull away, you’ve got stars in your eyes. You’re so happy you feel like your heart could explode right out of your chest. 

“Definitely the best party I’ve ever thrown,” Raquel winks at you, and smiles to herself when you burst into flattered laughter. “Agreed.”

Tyler:

Also starts yelling “kiss! kiss!” before realizing that it is, in fact, you two being told to do that. Oh. Well, in that case...

Gives you a really cheesy wink, one that makes you snort, before taking both your hands in his. His expression changes to be really serious. “If you want to kiss, that’s fine by me. More than fine. Awesome, even. But if you don’t want to kiss right now, that’s also cool. Kissing in front of people isn’t for everybody.”

He’s. So. Sweet! Oh my God! “A consent king,” you joke, and the two of you snicker. “But, seriously, I would love to kiss you.” “Really?” He looks absolutely giddy at the prospect. “Really.”

And so you two kissed. It was short, but super sweet. You both smiled through the whole thing. Ahh, you’re too cute! You get a few cheers and hollers from the crowd as you pull away. Tyler has a mind to scream “Thank you!” to both them and the heavens for letting him finally be able to smooch you, but he restrains himself.

“Would you want to do that again?” You ask him when the two of you go back to dancing. “Anytime, anywhere.”

Claire:

Mmm no. This would just not do. A bunch of people yelling at Claire will never do, even if they aren’t being mean. And based on the panicked look on her face, all that commotion is deemed illegal under the “everyone must be nice to Claire at all times” law. You leap into action quickly.

“Hey, hey! Leave us alone! If it’s so important someone kiss, do it yourselves!” You shout over everyone. You get a few boos, but you just roll your eyes and take Claire’s hand, leading her out of the room.

You take her back to your dorm, away from all noise. “How about we just stay here for a while?” You offer. She nods, smiling at you. “Thank you. That was very brave of you to stand up for us like that. I froze up.” 

“And that’s perfectly okay. Anyone would have. I just hated seeing you like that; I knew I had to do something.” You sat down next to her, on the edge of your bed. She leaned over and unexpectedly kissed your cheek.

“We may not have had a mistletoe kiss, but I hope that shows my gratitude.” NO ONE PERSON IS ALLOWED TO BE THIS CUTE. You blush and smile, giving her a nod, before the two of you start talking about how excited you are for the group vacation the next day.

Axel: 

More annoyed than anything. Since it’s him, there’s even more excitement than there would be if literally anyone else was under the mistletoe. Shuts that shit down immediately.

He glares at the crowd before telling them to calm down and leave you two alone. You’re torn between sad you didn’t get to kiss him and happy all the peer pressure to do so is gone. 

Honestly, after that Axel doesn’t seem that into the party. You feel bad. Was it your fault? I mean, probably not...but maybe you could’ve handled it better? Hm...

“You wanna get out of here?” He offers, knocking you out of your thoughts. You agree, and you both head to his dorm. “You seemed out of it back there,” he observes.

“I was just...worried I did something wrong and upset you,” you twiddled your thumbs, looking at the floor. Suddenly his shoes were in your view, and he was standing right in front of you. 

“I don’t think you could ever upset me,” he puts a hand on your shoulder as you look up, squeezing gently. “I was just mad at everyone there for pressuring you. I didn’t want to be in the same room as them anymore. I never want you to be uncomfortable like that. I’m used to large crowds screaming at me, but I don’t want you to have to be.”

“So it wasn’t me? Or that you didn’t want to kiss me?” “God, no,” he replied instantly, no hesitation needed. “I’d love to kiss you. Just not with all those people around.” “Well...what about right now?”

Take a guess what happens sjdssgffkdsfj

Karolina:

Completely immune to peer pressure from anyone she doesn’t respect. All the shouting has practically no effect on her. Her reaction is similar to Axel’s, except far more subdued.

“Oh, stop it. It’s not happening,” she pinches the bridge of her nose in a move that kind of reminds you of Tadashi. Those two do tend to have similar body language. Not wanting to deal with the ice queen’s wrath, as well as seeing that no kiss was coming, people lose interest.

“Sorry about that,” Karol says, when you two move to chat in the corner over punch. “It’s no problem! You handled it just as gracefully as I assumed you would.” If there is one compliment she wasn’t expecting, it was to be called “graceful” for dispersing a crowd. She loved it. She was blushing before she even realized it.

“What? It’s true,” you smirked as you took a sip of punch. She looked away, trying futilely to hid her burning cheeks. “Plus, I think first kisses are better when they’re in a more romantic setting. Maybe we’ll get to do that someday?”

Karol lifts her punch to her mouth, seemingly trying to hide in a dignified way, before locking eyes with you. “If you’re lucky,” she replied, smiling despite herself.

Tegan:

Ew. Not a fan of all the peer pressure going on here. Glared at the gathering crowd. “Stop that. Leave us alone.” He was a whole lot more stern than usual! You knew he could be like that when he was especially upset or passionate, especially after what happened at Faxion. 

“Why don’t we go?” You suggested, voice soft. He sighed and agreed. You took his hand in yours, and he quickly intertwined you guys’ fingers as you left the room. You both decided to head to his dorm to get away from the chaos.

“Sorry,” he looked a bit skittish when you arrived. “What are you saying sorry for? You handled that well! You showed major guts out there!” You smiled at him, sitting down on one of the bean bags. He sat down next to you on the carpet, blushing at your praise.

“Thanks. I just...I really wanted everything to go perfectly at that party. It’s important to me that tonight goes well.” He looked into your eyes, clearly worried he had ruined your night.

“Tegan, literally any time spent with you is perfect. We could be doing math homework right now and I’d still be ecstatic. As long as I get to spend it with you, no matter where, tonight will be my favorite I’ve spent on campus.”

Oop- was that too much? You couldn’t tell. You were about to apologize when Tegan surged forward and hugged you. Oh. Looks like it wasn’t. “You’re the best, Y/N.”

Neha:

Freezes up when everyone starts demanding you two kiss. It’s not like she doesn’t want to, just...not now! She gives you a bit of a deer in the headlights look while you both desperately look for a way out of the situation. 

Spending a night with your crush has absolutely fried your brain, so you do the first thing that comes to mind. Point at something shiny. “Whoa! Look at that!” You point towards the window, at nothing in particular, in hopes your peers will think you actually saw something. To your surprise, the majority of people fell for it! Maybe their brains were fried, too. Probably from finals.

Neha can’t stop herself from laughing at your awful plan, continuing to giggle as the both of you make your escape. You guys go back to her room, closing the door behind you before collapsing into another fit of laughter.

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t think of anything else! I just wanted to get you out of there!” You wipe a tear from your eye as you both begin to recover your breath.

“I don’t know how that worked,” the girl next to you rolled her eyes. “But I’m very happy it did.” She lifted your still-joined hands, kissing the back of yours. You blushed beet-red. “Thank you, Y/N.”

Ellie:

Making Y/N uncomfortable is illegal. And the crowd yelling at you sure as hell seemed to be making you uncomfortable. So Ellie put her foot down. “Alright, alright! Stop it!” She’d brandish her screwdriver as a weapon if she weren’t still on Arlington property.

But, luckily for her, the crowd dispersed quickly after her outburst. You let out a sigh of relief, and she wrapped an arm around your shoulders. You could feel her concerned eyes looking you over.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” “Yeah. That just made me really nervous. Do you think we could go somewhere quiet?” “Absolutely!” She agreed immediately. “How about we play some Honeydew Valley? Tegan will totally let me borrow his Swatch.” (ajsgaksjdgsj i love coming up with weird names for stuff like they do in-game)

“That sounds great.” God, she always knew just what to do. You loved that about her. After asking Tegan for permission and getting set up in her dorm, you two settled down. You had a whole lot of fun playing together. You mar or may not have even married your farmers in co-op ohohoho...

“Thank you for changing your plans so last minute,” you mumbled as the night got later, your head having rested itself on her shoulder at some unknown point in the gaming session. “No worries, Y/N! Anything is fun when I do it with you.” 

“Really?” You lifted your head. “Bet,” she replied, and kissed your nose. You nearly died. “Next time let’s make it a real one, hm?” Okay, then you did die, all while she laughed and beat your farmer at the egg hunt.

[blush-and-books]

🥳🎉 Congrats on 1.5k followers!!!🎉🥳

My four word prompt for you is

One: famous au

Two: fluff

Three: meeting

Four: autographs

And anything you come up with will be amazing 💕💕ily

once again i got carried away. but who is surprised??? this was so much fun!!!

Luke Patterson was excited to be at the Grammys for many, many reasons -- but only part of it (a big part) was because Sunset Curve was nominated.

Best Rock Album, Record of the Year, and Best Rock Performance were their three nominations for their third album, Demo Tapes, and specifically their singles Now Or Never (rock performance) and Unsaid Emily (record of the year). It was all that the boys had been working towards, seeing as this was their first time around after a near revolt towards the academy last year for snubbing their sophomore, self-titled album. The four of them were beaming with excitement in their custom suits -- God, custom, as uppity as it was, Luke couldn’t deny he looked hot. 

However, besides the fact that the four boys were rocking their suits and were going to be honored to perform Now Or Never on the same stage that their inspirations had done decades before -- Luke couldn’t help the bubbling in his stomach that he might run into Julie Molina on the red carpet. 

Yes, the Julie Molina. 

After revealing during a round of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts on the Late-Late Show that Julie was Luke’s raging celebrity crush, and she exposed the same truth about him while playing Plead The Fifth on Watch What Happens Live, Luke had been itching to meet her in person. 

Both of them seemed to be on the other sides of the country -- hell, even the world -- at different times, from running the talk show circuit to world touring. He knew they were both from LA, but it never felt like they were home at the same time. 

Tonight, she was nominated for Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Vocal Performance, and yes; Record of the Year, too. And this was only for her sophomore album, Wake Up, and her leading single of the same name. The single had debuted at #1 on the charts and knocked Now Or Never to #3 (it was competing with All Eyes On Me, by Dirty Candi), while the album had been switching with Demo Tapes on the charts for the last month. 

He was honestly hoping that they would get the chance to communicate, or even collab, at some point -- as many avid fans online were urging -- because he was pretty sure she was one of the most talented songwriters in the next generation of the music industry.

He thought they could make each other even better. 

His plan was honestly to try and track her down on the red carpet, and if that didn’t work, he would find her in the auditorium. She would probably be in the front row next to Adele or Beyonce anyways, seeing as how she was (as deserved) America’s Darling. 

“Dude,” Alex elbows him in the gut and gestures to the line of paparazzi and reporters with flashing cameras in microphones. “Stop staring into space and smile. And walk us on, lead guitarist.”

The nickname is said with spite and a smirk, but Luke is overall grateful that Alex centered him in the moment once again and got him to quit looking for Julie. 

She probably wasn’t even there yet, so he shouldn’t worry about it. 

(Even though he’s definitely been fantasizing about how stunning she’ll look tonight.)

Him and the boys walk up to a few reporters to hyperactively answer a few questions while finding time in between to pause for photos of all of them together, and some individual shots. They are in the middle of being ushered down the red carpet when he hears it:

“Julie! Julie Molina! Come here darling, I would love to talk to you!”

There are a few people in between them, but she’s there -- in a stunning, bright purple dress covered in sparkles and small diamonds. Her curls are flawlessly pulled back but still twirling down behind her head, and to be blunt -- she takes his breath away, even though he can’t see her clearly. 

“Luke! Luke!” A photographer is calling out to him, so he is sure to face back and sling his left arm around Reggie as the band poses for a few more group shots. Once again, a technician is guiding them to walk right to proceed along the carpet, and Luke catches that Julie is still being interviewed. 

He doesn’t realize he’s staring when a reporter, the same reporter that’s interviewing Julie, is calling him over. 

And Julie is still standing there, visibly blushing under layers of makeup and sending him a sheepish, apologetic smile. 

Without hesitation, he jogs over, and hugs the reporter. 

“Hi, Grace! It’s good to see you!”

“Luke Patterson, you are the talk of the night -- besides my other guest, Miss Julie Molina, of course.” Grace gestures to both of them, and Luke sees that Julie is still avoiding her eyes, and even though they are currently broadcast on national television he just wants to talk to her. 

“Yes, of course, I’ve been looking forward to getting to officially meet her all night.”

Julie’s head whips to the left to look at him -- he meets her eyes with his classic, joyous Luke Patterson grin. When she reflects it, he feels like the final nail has been hammered into his coffin. 

“No, you have not!” She slaps his arm playfully. “I should have known you’d be a flirt when I met you.”

“So what you’re saying is… You’ve thought about meeting me too?”

Their moment is interrupted by the reporter. “Wait, you two haven’t met before? That’s impossible!”

“And incredibly disappointing,” Luke jumps in. “All of our fans keep asking us to meet but we’ve been touring at the same times, and the timing’s just never been right.”

“I just told Marie Claire last week that Lu- Sunset Curve, sorry, was my dream collab for the future. Our sounds could blend so well!”

Luke’s heart just about shoots out of his chest, so he tries to control himself by biting his lip with a smile. The reporter doesn’t miss it. “Luke, you look happy about that!”

“I- I-” His stutter emerges, but he quickly swallows and changes directions. “It’s just really cool to hear that, we listen to Julie’s music all the time at home, and I have spent an unhealthy amount of time imagining a collaboration, so hearing she feels the same way tells me already that we would creatively blend really well.”

At his side, Julie beams at him. His cheeks hurt from smiling so much, and she’s giggling at his sweet words, and in the split moment that the reporter tries to regain their focus -- their hands brush together as they spin back to face Grace. 

In a bold move, Luke raises his fingers towards hers like they are magnets, and holds his breath while he waits for a reaction. 

He can finally breathe when her fingers link in his; her soft skin brushing along and sending sparks up his arm. 

“Well, I should let you guys go,” Grace says with a sigh, “but thank you both so much for taking the time! Can we expect a possible Julie Molina/Sunset Curve collab anytime soon?”

Surprisingly, Julie takes the lead on this one, her fingers tightening around his hand. 

“If it’s not the next song that I release, then somethings wrong and you guys will need to send help.”

You have a band, Luke tells himself, a band that you need to talk to about-

“I second that,” he finds himself saying with a squeeze to Julie’s hand. 

As the reporter hypes up their announcement while facing the camera, they start to walk away, and Luke realizes he has to rejoin the band on the carpet and not get to stand here and hold Julie’s hand and tell every reporter that he is holding Julie Molina’s hand! 

Julie turns to him. “See you in there?”

“See you in there,” Luke smirks, “I’ll be the one on my feet when you sing.”

“And I’ll be the one holding the Grammy.”

And with a wink, as Luke shakes his head with an awed grin, she makes her way back to the carpet.

--

As it turns out, they do find each other later. Shockingly, Julie asks the band for an autograph, because -- despite Luke’s teasing -- her little brother is apparently a huge fan.

She is the victor in the competition for Record of the Year, but Sunset Curve pulls away with two trophies from their other nominations, and Luke can’t find it in him to be anything but overjoyed for themselves and Julie -- especially as he watches her sing, captivate the entire audience, and get everyone on their feet at the end. 

In a burst of impulsiveness, she joins them in their van after the ceremony; but instead of going to an afterparty, they drive to the boys’ house on the beach and Luke finds himself curled up on the couch in his custom suit right next to Julie (who is almost on top of him), furiously writing down new songs and beginning their collaboration then and there. 

It turns out, they were wrong about one thing. 

The next song released by the two artists isn’t the collab -- the next album is. Julie and the Phantoms becomes their official collaboration project, and spirals into more of a hit than their individual groups. 

Twelve months later, they are back at the Grammys, and everything is the same -- only they are no longer competing. They are a team. And Luke couldn’t be happier about it; especially when he shows up on Julie’s arm.

@willexx @unsaid-emily  

[rechoired]

A problem with the Tales Of Arcadia community

First and foremost, I’d like to ask anyone taking the time to read this to please read the post all the way through before commenting on the matter. There is a lot of dirty laundry to unpack here, and some points will be building off previous ones.

I’ll get right to the point. Most everybody in the Tales of Arcadia fandom will have heard of the blog imthegingerninja / ginger-le-gay. She is one of the most well-known ToA-centric blogs, after all. (If you’re wanting to avoid her on Twitter as well, her account is Margaret Bell, or @The_Book_Bell.)

This is your PSA, TOA fandom: Ginger is a toxic, manipulative person.

This is not a claim I like to make lightly, but it’s long overdue that this issue is properly brought up within the fandom. 

I’ve seen so many people wonder why the Tales of Arcadia fandom is so small. Well, I and many others very strongly believe that Ginger is one of the main reasons for that, if not the main one. To make matters easier, I’ve tried to break this down into some main points. So let’s take a look at how Ginger falls under this category.

Disclaimer: Please DO NOT look at this post as an excuse to harass Ginger or any other blog mentioned here. This sort of behavior is NOT acceptable. The point of this post is to educate those who may not know the extent of her harrowing behavior, nothing more.

1. Dishonesty and Death Threats

[EDIT: Shortly after this post went up, she started blatantly lying about me to try to cover for herself. You can see those lies being easily disproven here]

Ginger has been kicked from at least three Tales of Arcadia servers, all for similar reasons of violence. While I cannot provide screenshots as I am no longer part of the servers they were in, there are multiple witnesses that can verify the disgusting behavior she engaged in. The one I saw specifically was her saying that certain members of the fandom should be gathered up and hunted for sport, among other gross things. (Elaboration of why can be found in point 3, though it still doesn’t excuse this kind of talk)

Here is some points made by another blog that also sums up similar issues with Ginger, though:

While there were multiple instances of her inciting violence towards others, this is unfortunately one topic I cannot provide specific screenshots for at this time. But I will add them in as I can find them. That being said, I want to move to the dishonesty, something I do have a screenshot for.

While you could argue that people sometimes notice the similar things, this is far too close together to be considered an “original find”. The reblog button is there for a reason, but she instead decides to steal the OP’s premise and present it as her own original thought.

There have been a couple other blogs that have confirmed that their theories and analysis posts were often stolen and presented as Ginger’s own as well, to the point where they stopped bothering even making such posts, as the above blog points out. (Out of respect for their privacy, I will not be naming these blogs. Say what you will about that possibly weakening my point, but if she’s willing to so blatantly steal from that person shown above, it shouldn’t surprise you that she’s so willing to do it to others.)

Theory-making and analysis posts aren’t as solidly “original content” as a piece of art or fanfiction, sure, but it’s still common fandom courtesy to give credit where it’s due. Ginger has intentionally avoided extending that courtesy far too many times.

2. Hypocrisy

Most of this is going to be about past Merlin vs. Morgana drama, though there are also words to be said for the incredibly shaky relationships she forms with “friends”.

But first let’s talk about those wizards.

This is a topic I’ve tried to approach with Ginger before, but she borderline refused to acknowledge any of the points I was trying to make, and when she did, I don’t know if I just wasn’t being clear or what, but it honestly looked as though she was purposefully trying to misunderstand what I was saying in her bizarre responses. (To be fair, I was sending messages out of anger because she vagueposted about a blog I admired, calling them a “disgusting creep” because of them simply saying they’d hoped Jim and Merlin would be able to actually bond at some point... Not really a justifiable reaction to such a harmless thought, in my opinion. But my point is, I recognize that the circumstances may have clouded my ability to vocalize my thoughts clearly.)

That aside, we should first acknowledge this post Ginger made to save face after having gotten some backlash about hate-train related things (Side note: I couldn’t find the original post, so this is a screenshot I got from someone else. I did not add the writing. The text underneath it should still be slightly readable, I hope.):

Taken at face value, this is a very reasonable post. I think everybody would and should be able to agree on it. Hate-meme him for fun, sure, but don’t actually harass or insult others over a fictional character. Simple, right?

Apparently not, because Ginger’s done loads of that to others. Probably why the “LOL” was added in, I bet.

This post confused me. First of all, exploring dark topics (”angst”, as you put it) has never been a rare occurrence, every fandom has that content, most in heavy abundance. I’ve noticed no staggering difference in volume of this fandom compared to others I’ve been in. People enjoy angst not because they think the character “deserves to be in pain”, they enjoy a fictional blow to their own emotions. There’s lots of different reasons people like angst, but it’s barely ever been out of a genuine hate for whatever character’s the focus, from all the things I’ve seen. Your own friends have indulged in Jim angst and body horror posts before, does that mean you think they’re awful people? I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain something like this.

Also, way to basically admit you think all Merlin stans get off on child torture. So much for “If you like Merlin as a character, you’re valid”, am I right? God, what a mess of a post. (It’s been very recently deleted, which makes me wonder if she got more backlash on it, but just... wow.)

Let’s look at another one.

Again. Vagueposting about someone specific, I’d wager, since most of the people I’ve seen comment on this topic either think both characters are morally gray, or hate both. 

But of course, when it comes to Morgana, suddenly excusing bad behavior can be justified. Ginger can call someone a disgusting creep because they want a familial bond between Jim and Merlin, that’s just wrong, but pushing the Mom-gana narrative with the genocidal abuser and Toby is completely fine, folks.

(Note: I would like to point out that I really don’t care about what theories and hopes people have for Morgana. You should be allowed to love that character in any way you want, same as I would say for Merlin. My issue with these examples is the completely brazen hypocrisy in which these two characters are treated. You’re obviously allowed to love Morgana without consequence, but the same should be said for any character of the show, and yet it’s not.)

The most obvious instance of this double-standard is well observable here, I believe: 

... I think this mostly speaks for itself. Sorry, but this is very blatantly trying to excuse Morgana’s actions, here.

Oh hey, remember that post about Ginger saying that liking Merlin must mean you want to see Jim in horrible pain? 

Say anything similar about her with Morgana, and suddenly she takes issue with this line of reasoning! 

I’m sorry, but if you can’t take this sort of thing, then you shouldn’t be dishing it out. One of your own friends is still getting hate over the simple fact of liking Merlin, and all this mentality is exactly why.

Let’s look at one more.

Fun fact! Morgana horrifically abused somebody for centuries, tried to kill multiple kids, took horrible advantage of Claire (probably traumatized her), and canonically wanted to genocide humanity, not to mention all the OTHER murders she's committed, both directly and indirectly.

But somehow pointing any of this out “doesn’t count”. This is why the fandom keeps saying more and more things like this: 

And this:

I could be going through her constant hating on Merlin and people who like Merlin for days straight, but I hope you all get the idea by now.

Again, I would like to just reiterate: You can like whatever character you want for whatever reason you want. The problem with this case is the hypocrisy and mistreatment of others, not your taste in characters.

Now interestingly enough, she’s lately been singing a different tune about the guy, switching from the “I hate Merlin I hope he dies!!!” mentality to “Oh he should get a redemption arc too :)” sort of thing.

I’m highly convinced that the only reasons for this “change of heart” is because of the constant backlash she was getting for the obnoxious amount of hate posts being thrown around all the time, but also because Aaron Waltke keeps tabs on the fandom more lately, and has spoken himself about Merlin not being a villain.

I could go on about this point forever, but I think I’ll just leave the Merlin topic with this post going through the hypocrisy of the Merlin Hate Train. In fact, here’s two just for fun.

Now onto more real-world focused areas of hypocrisy. One such instance can be found in Ginger’s Janus Disorder server. 

Just take a look at this post.

While the offender in this case isn’t Ginger specifically, it still takes place in her server, and she made no moves to enforce her “No discourse” rule. All over... what? A random kudos on a fanfiction that’s not even about anything controversial since all characters involved are adults? I immensely don’t understand the point of why this ever had to be an issue, or why nobody spoke up about how ridiculous this is.

I’d also like to point out a certain user called firecat17. For some quick context, waaay back in the Kung Fu Panda fandom (around 2018), this user had been harassing people and saying incredibly vile things, a person of which Ginger had a bit of a feud, but firecat’s anon threats had gotten to the point where Ginger ended up having to block their IP. 

Obviously, the user firecat was the one in the wrong, here. (Also, the irony in this comment is through the roof...)

Interesting point there, Ginger. Sure would be nice if you practiced what you preached.

Why am I bringing this random old drama up, you may ask? Well, it just strikes me as strange that someone who was so vile to Ginger is suddenly on her okay-list again, sending her asks and getting casual responses as if nothing ever happened.

To be fair, there is the possibility that they worked out their differences in private. But given the severity of the kinds of words being exchanged, I would still find that rather suspicious.

When someone who’s said things so vile can be so easily forgiven, yet something as harmless as leaving a kudos on some random fanfiction is considered grounds for harassment, it’s obvious there’s no stability or room for trust among this group of people. Unsurprising when there’s been several instances of this “friend group” turning on each other.

If you think you’re somehow different, that your “friendship” with Ginger or the others is more valued than that, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it’s likely not true. She’d throw you under the bus at the hint of you doing something she deems problematic, as it’s happened to multiple blogs before you.

3. Demonization of and insensitivity towards s*xual abuse victims

(This topic is one that’s hard for me to talk about, being a victim of CSA myself, so I’ve gathered some different sources to do most of the main talking for me. I tried to form more commentary on this myself, but I get too emotionally charged in my responses, and I don’t want that to cloud any reader’s perception of what I’m trying to communicate here, so I’ll try to keep most of my comments brief on this one.)

One thing recently brought to my attention about Ginger and her squad that especially bothers me is their rashness in labeling people p*dophiles and p*do apologists. If these claims were true, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

But these people are accusing others of these horrible things and threatening them on the sole basis of fictional content.

Now before you fly off the handle at me, let me be very clear: I absolutely understand that there are gross people out there who use the “It’s all just fiction” argument to hide their actual, pr*datory behaviors. (We’ve all probably seen at least one or two neckbeard memes of that caliber)

But like it or not, exploring traumatic themes through a fictional lens is something that has been studied and proven to be a genuine coping mechanism for some. It’s not something that works for me, but I knew a few people from past therapy groups that it worked surprisingly well for. Bringing a trauma into a controlled environment and processing it through fictional means can and does help some victims deal with what they went through. 

It’s important to understand that not everyone processes their experience in the same neat, little boxes you have laid out as the only “acceptable” ways of coping. Trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy are commonly used by victims, and it does help some people, whether you like it or not.

I’m already dragging this on too much, so here are some sources for better-worded information on the topic (Warning: Most of these deal with highly sensitive themes such as gun violence and s*xual abuse.)

Source 1 - Source 2 - Source 3 - Source 4 - Source 5 (pages 61 onward, specifically) - Source 6 - Source 7 - Source 8 - Source 9 - Source 10 (and believe me, if those all don’t satisfy you, I can easily supply more.)

And this quote from source 9 I think sums it up best:

“Fiction works differently. My imagination gives me a framework to process the grief and terror and the consequences, even when I myself have not found any resolution. It allows me to enter my own traumatic experiences sideways and linger inside them, if I know I can give them to characters who might be lucky enough to find the antidote: love, connection, community, family. In other words, I can enter — and exit — the trauma loop through stories that are not exactly the same as mine.

This goes for the reader also. Recent studies periodically assure us that stories — literary fiction, hardcover books, even the simple act of reading — promote empathy. We rarely have identical experiences, so fiction is how we practice linking our similar or parallel realities so we can feel them. This seems particularly useful in our current society, where we are all so separated, and are working so hard to block the violence that keeps happening to us from our minds.

Fiction connects us, and it can also contribute to our healing. When we see ourselves in worlds we don’t live in, like The Handmaid’s Tale or The Color Purple, sometimes, that very different violence helps us finally process our own. Because as much as our memoirs and testimonies are brave and validating, fiction does not just mirror our truths so they are safe to experience; it also helps us endure the aftermath. Because long after the immediate experience is over, survival struggles onward, in every moment of our daily lives.”

While most professionals have in the past advised that victims keep their trauma-related works more private, to only show it to your trusted friends or family, the fast-growing use of the internet has led more people to sharing it in an online platform, which is not unexpected behavior.

I unfortunately don’t have the screenshot of the original post, but there was a post made some time back literally telling a fandom member to go and hang themselves over this garbage. A survivor of s*xual abuse, no less. And to top that off, one of Ginger’s squad @emmy-puff commented in support of that violent post, as well as blatantly misgendering the target of it. While, again, I was unable to get screenshots, there are multiple witnesses to this instance, one Anonymous even having called them out on it back when it happened. (I suspect that Emmy deleted that answer due to how bad it made them look.) If anybody reading this has screenshots of the initial post or the ask that came of it, please feel free to share.

I don’t care who you are or who you’re talking about, if you use misgendering someone as a way to hurt them, then you are an insult to the trans community. That is an awful thing to do, and you lose so much credibility if that’s the only thing you can fall back on when getting in a fight with someone. While this post isn’t about Emmy specifically, this is exactly the kind of hateful rhetoric that’s being encouraged in the environment Ginger’s made.

Another thing I would like to point out on this matter is an instance that happened in the ToA fandom a couple years back. I, again, don’t have screenshots available (I believe the original post ended up deleted) but the post in question caused enough of a fuss that I’m sure a few people must remember it... 

A while back, there was an artist that posted uncensored, untagged r*pe art of Aaarrrgghh, Gunmar, and Jim in the main Trollhunters tag. As you can imagine, this infuriated many people. Many of which are among the list of those who’ve been labeled “p*do apologists”. Almost the very minute that post showed up in the tag with no trigger warnings of any kind, the fandom immediately got on OP’s tail about it, because they all shared that basic understanding of “This is a traumatizing subject for many people and they should have the ability to avoid it”. If the people you’ve labelled as pr*dator supporters were really as awful as you say they are, they would’ve jumped to that person’s defense, too. But they were completely against OP’s horrible lack of consideration of survivors, right alongside the rest of the fandom.

Am I saying you have to like trauma fiction? Absolutely not. Are there people that make trauma fiction that are actual pr*dators? I’m sure there are. But those people would be that way whether trauma fiction was out there or not. Gross people have existed and will always exist regardless of what media is out there.

I deeply understand the controversy, uncertainty, and stress that surrounds this topic, I promise you, I do. But the fact of the matter is, some people actually do use trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy as a way of coping, as has been observed in people even from ages as young as 5. To say otherwise is blatantly untrue. This isn’t a matter of opinion or morals, this is plain, studied facts that you cannot change about human psychology.

Nobody should ever have to go through something as horrible as s*xual abuse of any kind, and I know how deeply upsetting it can be to see certain images or stories with those themes in play. Those users with a sense of decency and understanding for fellow victims will tag their posts with the appropriate warnings. After that, it’s up to you to filter out what you don’t want to see. You curate your own internet experience, and it’s just plain irrational to try and harass everyone into conforming to your rules. While it’s an 18+ blog’s job to make sure to tag and label their content appropriately, it is your job to block the things you don’t want to see, whether you’re an adult or a minor. It is YOUR job to blacklist content that you know will upset you, because it is always going to exist on the internet, and any internet user needs to know and understand that. Multiple times I’d seen people going off about posts that were already appropriately trigger-tagged. If you don’t have those upsetting tags blacklisted by now, then the fault is mostly on you in that kind of case, not the OP.

Before I end this topic off, just one more example of blatant disrespect towards victims:

I’m sorry, but the absolute nerve of comparing some random fictional character you’re petty over to an actual pr*dator who’s terribly hurt real children is just awful. Imagine how insulted one of Onion’s victims would be if they saw that. Lord.

Ginger claims to care about victims, but she’s made it abundantly clear that she only cares about those that behave the way she think a victim should.

4. Ableism 

I’m going to just show a couple posts here and let them mostly speak for themselves. 

Just... my God. You looked at the definition of psychopath and decided that was enough to give you qualification to speak like this about it? Do you realize the extensive work and study of human psychology goes into the diagnosis and understandings of psychopathy? Not to mention, you just admit to thinking people deserve hate because of a mental disorder they legitimately have no control over? I’m sorry, but that is just cruel. Demonization of the mentally ill is not cute or funny. Next.

While I’m still annoyed with Emmy’s transphobic treatment of another user mentioned earlier, they make a very solid point in this instance. (The first post they referenced has since been deleted, but here’s the second one speaking out against the ableism.) I feel I don’t need to add much to this, as these points have already been argued very well by users better qualified to speak on the subject than I.

5. Manipulation tactics

This part is more observations of two kinds of abuse tactics Ginger appears to demonstrate, using the above as points of reference. 

First, there’s DARVO.

Then, less formally, there’s this good point about online cult mentality.

Before you say anything, obviously I don’t think Ginger thinks of herself as some sort of deity. While it could be argued that she considers herself a point of authority within the TOA fandom maybe, I haven’t seen enough of this to say for sure how far that goes. So that point can be ignored, because it mostly doesn’t apply in this case. (The “Dictating parts of your online life” might also not apply, but I can’t say for sure as I haven’t gotten any confirmation of that sort of thing in Ginger’s group.)

But there are grains of truth in the other four points, especially that last one. Plain and simple, she’s made people afraid to speak their minds about even harmless things such as character analysis.

Ginger is someone who can’t seem to comprehend different viewpoints and life experiences. She’s extremely unsympathetic towards people she doesn’t understand, as can be observed in above examples. Assuming malicious intent from everybody you can’t understand is a dangerous and hurtful mindset to have, for both you and those who you unnecessarily scorn.

There are a few outcomes I’ve speculated should she ever come to see this post.

1. She will ignore this post completely, pretending as if it doesn’t exist

2. She will dismiss me as being some sort of horrible person, a p*do apologist or something of the sort (despite being a victim of that myself, clearly she doesn’t care about who’s actually been hurt by real p*dos or not if they don’t conform to her narrow worldview), and claim nothing I’ve said bears any meaning, despite the extensive evidence I’ve provided.

3. She will get people to try and attack me. 

4. She will actually address these points in a tactful, mature, and serious manner instead of her usual act of trying to dismiss everything at the slightest hint of non-conformity. (The least likely outcome, but one can dream.)

I could add to this post all day, but it’s long enough as it is and my focus was on getting the main points out of the way. I understand that I lack some of the receipts necessary to back myself up in a few parts, but I know that many other fans have bared witness to those things, so I know there will be at least some people who’ll know what I speak of is true, and that’s good enough for me.

That being said, if anybody has screenshots of the instances I wasn’t able to provide for, it would be greatly appreciated if you could add them into the conversation.

!!!-If you have screenshots, but are too uncomfortable to get involved in this, then you can private-message them to me and I would be grateful and more than happy to add them in while keeping you completely anonymous.-!!!

(I've removed the section with all the tags, as I recognize it was probably going overboard. My goal was just to spread information, not to try and involve those tagged, but I understand how that may have gotten lost in translation and made people uncomfortable. Also, it apparently was showing up multiple times in people’s notifications when I only tagged people twice, so I’m not sure why that glitch happened, but I apologize for that annoyance as well.)

Now, to end us off, my responses to questions or angry comments I’m probably going to get:

You don’t even have all the evidence! How are we to know you’re not just lying about some of this?

Admittedly, I don’t have as much screenshot proof as I would like, that’s true. But for most of the instances I couldn’t provide for, there were other witnesses to her bad behavior. I don’t really have the need to lie when there’s already a lot of knowledge out there of the bad stuff she has done. Nor do I really have the emotional investment in this fandom anymore to lie for the pointless reason of causing drama.

Why post this on a throwaway account if you think people are on your side?

I just don’t really want my main blog associated with TOA anymore, to be frank.

You tagged a bunch of people, so you must be trying to get them to attack Ginger!

No. I tagged a bunch of people because I think this information should be heard on a wider scale, considering the position Ginger has in the fandom. I don’t want her or anybody else to be attacked, but her negative impact on this fandom deserves to be acknowledged.

Again, I don’t think Ginger or any of the others deserve harassment or cyberbullying or anything of that manner, that’s kind of what this whole post is against. And it just hurts the situation more than it helps it. What bothers me is how she’s never apologized for or even once acknowledged the gross way she’s treated people. While she might be more low-key about it now, she still treats people who don’t deserve it like garbage. There are still several people upset about the damage she’s caused to this fandom, rightfully so. I wouldn’t be so loud about making this post if I didn’t think it was something worth drawing attention to. 

Thank you for reading.

[rpd-rookie]

hi ! I wanna request an angsty oneshot (with a happy ending,,) of carlos x reader. something where maybe reader suspects carlos is cheating and confronts him and it results in huge agruments or something along the lines of a fight (nothing physical ofc) but it ends up getting resolved in the end?

Author’s note: Before reading, I just want to make thing clear by saying that I have nothing against Valeveira shippers or the ship in itself. If anything, I respect it (as I respect all ships in the RE fandom) and perfectly understand why people ship Carlos and Jill so much (I’m not blind I felt the sexual tension in RE3remake). I have nothing against Jill either. To me Jill Valentine is the Goddess of Resident Evil along with Claire. It is very important for me to say all this because the last I wrote a jealousy-themed one shot that included a RE ship (that was Aeon) I incurred the wrath (and the hate) of a Aeon shipper. So, now that it has been said, enjoy the story.

Green-Eyed Monster - Carlos Oliveira x Reader

           You could feel it eyes upon you. That green-eyed monster staring at you with a mocking smile, slowly poking you towards an overwhelming anger that you know would soon lash out at your boyfriend who couldn’t seem to notice your gritted teeth and clenched jaw as he was talking about the ‘fabulous’ ‘supercop,’ Jill Valentine, for the umpteenth time.         That little monster had been your companion for days, ever since Carlos had renewed contact with his ‘old friend’. And truth to be told, it was not the kind of company that you liked most. It was permanently clenching your stomach with his claws, filling it with a disgusting nausea you didn’t know how to get rid off, and whispering terrible ideas and thoughts in your ear.   But that’s Jealousy right? That sickening fear that someone will take whom you love most away from you. That foul worry that you might not be good enough in the eyes of your loved one. That panic that someone might take your place.       But what if your place had already been taken? What if you had already been replaced?  What if Jill had already stolen Carlos from you? What if … what if all your fears had already happened?

“Is something going on between you and Jill?” You realised what you had just said a couple of seconds after saying them, as if your words had been quicker that your thoughts, as if the little green-eyed monster had taken possession of you and turned you into the mere spectator of the incoming argument. That’s not what you wanted to say. Or was it?   Carlos lost his smile as he seemed to gauge your feelings through his astonished brown eyes, wondering at the same time if he had really heard your silly question. “What did you say?” You did not reply and simply stared at him with cold blankness in your eyes, waiting for him to say something. “Are you asking me if I’m cheating on you?”           He was vexed, almost angry. You could tell it by the way his sudden gravitas was making his voice sound deeper than usual. But he was also hurt, deeply hurt. You only had to listen to the almost-unnoticeable shakiness and slowness of his words.       “Are you?” Two words. One accusation. But enough to make everything blow to smithereens.

“You can’t be serious.” His eyes widened as he put his cutlery on the table, perfectly aware that he would not finish his meal tonight.      Your accusations were enough to digest. “Honestly Carlos, I wish I was joking.” Your composure contrasted sharply with Carlos’ astonishment. He scoffed, refusing to believe you were bluntly accusing him of promiscuity. “Do you really believe I could do that to you? And with Jill?” That name made you slightly shiver and clench your fists on the table. Carlos noticed and he took great offence at your reaction. “Oh come on! We just took a couple of beers together, Y/N!”     “Yeah. Yeah, a couple of beers.” You repeated with a sarcastic smile as you stood up to clear your plate, which was a mere way to end the discussion as soon as possible. “You don’t believe me.” No indeed, you did not believe him. You believed the little monster on your shoulder laughing at you.       “How uncharacteristically perceptive of you.” As much as Carlos loved you wit and sarcasm, he hated when you were acting that way. It had a knack for getting on his nerves in spite of his incredible sweetness and patience. “Jill is a friend. We survived Raccoon City together.”       “That must forge links, I guess.” You declared as you threw your meal in the trash.           “Nothing happened and nothing’s happening.” He harrumphed, raising his tone slowly while he gestured you to stop with your nonsense already.           “But you wished it did.” That was not a question. That was a direct affirmation that was as sharp a knife and that Carlos couldn’t deny. And it stabbed all the trust you and he had placed in your couple.   “It was a long time ago.” He tried to justify himself but you wouldn’t hear what was to you pathetic excuses. “She never wanted me. Everything remained strictly platonic. And then we went on separate ways.” You nodded though you were not convinced, too focused on the little monster whispering ‘lies, lies, lies’ in your ear.         “And now she’s back and everything you can talk about is her. Jill is amazing. That supercop, you should see how she beat the shit of that Nemesis.”

Carlos sighed, getting tired of your jealousy as his legs were fidgeting under the table. He had no reason to blame himself. He was faithful. Always had been. But he sure as hell had also no reason to silently accept your false accusations. “You’re ridiculous.” He mocked. “I’m ridiculous?” You harrumphed with a forced laugh. “You should see yourself and your heart eyes every time you say her name… God, it’s making me sick.” You turned your back on him, unable to look at him in the eyes, and furiously grabbed the sponge to wash the dishes. “Okay, now you’re acting crazy.” Carlos spat and you dropped your plate in the sink, offended by his words. You were not crazy. You knew what you had seen. Your boyfriend’s smile every time he would mention Jill, that spark shining in his eyes every time he would talk about her and her heroism, and more especially him leaving in the evening to have a drink with her, all dolled up and excited, only to come back in the middle of the night, reeking of sweat and alcohol. Sweat, really?   You know they had sex, don’t you? The green-eyed monster murmured.

“Why don’t you just admit that you’re fucking her? So we can properly fight about what’s really going on.” You demanded.           “Because that’s not true!” He half-shouted. “I’m not fucking Jill. How else can I say it so that you can finally understand?” His gestures were wild and frantic and punctuating his words, showing how pissed he was. The Hispanic blood taking over certainly.           “Oh so now I’m stupid? Fantastic.” You humoured and Carlos bumped his fist against the wooden table as he stood up to assert himself.             “What is it that you don’t understand?! Goodness! You’re insufferable.” He growled but you didn’t lose your spunk and chose to stand by your opinions despite how impressive Carlos was when he was angry.       “Then maybe you should go find Jill. I’m sure her presence must be more pleasant than mine.” “You know what? Maybe I will.”

Exhausted by your childishness, Carlos exited the kitchen to go and grab his jacket by the main door of your cosy little apartment, definitely decided to leave the place and put an end to this stupid argument.   “Fine.” You screamed as you followed him. No way you would let him have the last word. “And maybe I will fuck her too so that you’ll finally blame me for something I did.” He pointed a finger at you, looking at you straight in the eye. He didn’t mean that but he was so furious right now he just wanted to hurt you as much as you were hurting him with your lack of trust and your awful accusations.       “Go ahead! Enjoy!” You waved towards the door, welcoming him to pack up and leave though you secretly wanted him to stay.     “Oh I certainly will. Cause I’m sick of sharing my bed with a insecure paranoid like you!” The rebuke hurt. You couldn’t hide it and you resisted the urge to push Carlos out of your apartment. “You know what the insecure paranoid has to say?” You shouted and Carlos slammed the door behind him. “Fuck you!” You yelled, hoping he would here that from the corridor.

You roared, fingers tangled in your hair, furious and more especially pained. But it took you quite an instant to allow your suffering to truly settle as you were still somewhat holding up to the hope that you boyfriend would change his mind and come back to you. It took you the humming of Carlos’ bike in the street slowly fading away as he probably was riding right towards Jill’s arms.

           You cried yourself to sleep that night. Curled up on the sofa with your little green-eyed monster and his new blue friend he introduced as Guilt. And Guilt was as bad as Jealousy, perhaps even more painful. Guilt was the one murmuring all the regrets and remorse he could imagine. Guilt was the one that could tear your heart off your chest and tell you that it was your fault. Guilt was an ugly son of a bitch.

Carlos only came back early in the morning, around 5 or 6 am, with dark circles under his brown eyes, dishevelled hair and an exhausted slow gait. You watched him sit in silence on the couch next to you and take a deep breath. He wanted to say something. He just didn’t know how to say it. You chose not to pressure him and remained still by his side, legs bent against your chest, puffy eyes staring at him. “I was with Jill.”       The confession twisted your stomach in a painful knot and you felt yourself unable to breathe anymore as if your lungs didn’t know how to function anymore. But this time it was not the little green-eyed monster that was causing you this suffering. That was Guilt. “ We talked a lot… about you mostly.” You listened carefully, aware there was nothing you could do, nothing you could say that would make things better now. “She’s the one who convinced me to come back. She helped try seeing things from your point of view. I understand why you got jealous. I guess if I had heard you talking about a guy the same way I was talking about Jill, I would have got jealous as well. But what I don’t get is how you could actually believe I would be able to cheat on you.” The pressure in your body slowly relaxed when you realised that Carlos did not want another argument but merely a calm explanation, something you should have had from the very beginning instead of bawling at each other.   “I don’t know. I guess I was really an insecure paranoid after all.” Carlos briefly chuckled when he spotted your faint smile.           “I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I was a jerk and …” You placed a hand on his thigh to cut him short. “No. You were right. And you don’t need to apologize for anything. If anything, I’m the one who should apologize. I was the unreasonable one in this story. I let jealousy get the better of me when I should have listened to you and trusted you. I’m sorry. That won’t happen again.” You promised as you looked him in the eye and Carlos smiled so softly it made your heart melt. How much you had feared not to be able to see that smile again after what happened. “Good. I hate when we fight.” Carlos said as grabbed your hand in his and pressed his forehead against yours.         “I hate when we fight too.” You pressed your lips against his, desiring that healing kiss more than anything right now. And it did heal you. And it made the monsters go away. All was fine now.

[goblinconceivable]

i should not have watched that

I’m at that phase where I SQUEE’d through all the awesome that is Betty and Daniel and my heart blew up so I then spun around to look behind me and now hate it all.  Which is actually good, because the hating is a great place to write from.  Fix-It-Fic is a lifestyle.

In short, I’d previously skipped the Molly-Arc, and now I’ve peeked.  In shorter, Daniel sucks.

FFS.  FFS the abbreviation fails to convey what I would like to convey, which is FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  When Ignacio had a heart attack did Daniel literally send a shit ton of flowers, and not show up at the hospital?  Or even, apparently, do much calling and texting, during those 2 weeks?  And then when Betty comes back to a crap-ton of actual work, have her take his VACATION PHOTOS TO THE LAB.  And later has her abandoning her family to run around protecting Molly.

I am livid.  Capslock pissed.  To delve into the deepest recesses of disgust, wherein cold fury reigns through voice of stone: I Am Not Pleased.

I am almost, but not quite, without words.  Because this trend continues forcefully in Season 4, and some of that is pretty interesting regarding the fact that Betty has a wider support network while Daniel pretty much has her (Amanda as replacement was odd and did eventually fail.)

Look.  Daniel wastes about 2 hours of Betty’s time to rush over and tell him what damn SHIRT to wear on Thanksgiving Day.  She runs to the hospital when HIS dad has a heart attack, even though he’s hating her at the time, and she and her family literally are racing around to help Claire and then reunite his family.  Including, may I point out, Ignacio.  Betty is IN THE ROOM with his father when he died.  She watched the man DIE.   Granted unknowingly, he had her BEAR WITNESS TO DEATH.  And you know what, having someone stay with the precariously living inherently holds that possibility.  That’s why you ask them to stay.

Her father has a heart attack and Daniel... sends flowers.  Did he even immediately phone the hospital and have the best put on the case?  No.  I’m bummed Claire didn’t either, but she wasn’t privvy to the whole situation, probably heard second hand, and at least she brought it up and took care of it when she got back and spoke to Betty.

What should he have done?  Literally anything more than he did.  Even change one damn line: “How’s your dad?” to “Your dad came home (at time X) is that going okay?” would indicate he actually cared enough to know anything.

It’s not breaking news that he’s self-absorbed, but even in episode 1 he set aside his shit for a moment and gave her consideration.  This is mid season 3.  He managed to order a Christmas Tree while hideously hung over, ordering flowers takes the same amount of thought and effort.

What do I actually think he should have done, to be worthy of me not spitting on him?  Immediately hop on a plane and go be there for her, and her family, who have also done stuff for him.  The took care of him and welcomed him into their Christmas Tree decorating while Betty was off salvaging the situation that was his responsibility.

Molly could come back with him or stay in Florida, I don’t really care, my intense dislike of her character is plot based but from what I remember she’s a nice person so I presume she’d go back with him and they’d just vacation at home when he wasn’t with Betty.  And considering when she’s sick again Daniel flaked to spend time and energy on her...  I mean, I honestly believe she’d completely understand the whole situation and support his decision.  And, frankly, like him better for it, just as she was impressed when he threw himself under the bus for Betty.  Even though Betty was there because he’d thrown her under the bus for him so this was him not being a complete dick, but she didn’t know that part so whatever.

He’s kinda an honorary member of the Suarez clan and by this point he and Betty are best friends.  He should have been there.  Even if Betty told him to stay, he should have been there by phone and text and a bit of actual effort.

Which is where my horror of mid to late season 4 comes in.  Early on he’s overprotective of Betty, which is a reaction to Molly’s death but does also come from a place of loving Betty.  Then he ditches her for Natalie and the Order (um... your first Friend Lunch should not involve bringing a “date”...) and she’s still running around saving him.  And then we get a series of episodes where they have their one scene checking in with each other before diverging.  Which can be analyzed to conclude that:

They’re being less codependent and learning to stand on their own feet so they could come back together and have a healthier relationship/friendship and appreciate what they have.  But really it’s a drag because their closeness IS a foundation of the show.

When Matt leaves, is Daniel there for her?  Not so much.  But then, does Betty immediately call him?  No, she even goes to the Super to take care of herself.  Betty’s awesome because she's grown more independent, and has her family and even a friend family.  But there’s such a gulf of inequality where Daniel takes, and she gives, and when he’s there for her it’s often work based or insecurity based and smaller stuff and is this Daniel being emotionally stunted?  Still?  What?  Halp I do not compute.

I mean, my takeaway here is that in the first blush of romance Daniel abandons Betty in a moment of tragedy, and Betty remains hugely supportive of him, and when Molly dies he wants her to do what he knows she’ll do: run over to be his emotional support.  Which she does despite being in a dark place herself, because Betty is Betty.  But Betty cannot be some sort of Tardis ATM, if you keep withdrawing much more than you’re putting in, it should fail.

At least by the end of S4 it’s not that the ATM runs out, exactly.  But Betty has stopped putting him first.  They’re friends, but her family comes first, and then her and her career.  Daniel quitting Mode and planning to find himself wherever she is is quite impressive, especially since the promise of romance is not involved.  But for real, he wasn’t there when Ignacio had a heart attack so he’s still in the Black.

In conclusion, Daniel is not worthy of Betty, but I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water, not just yet.  There’s a lot of good in their relationship.  A lot of honest love and support on his side.  There’s just a lot of bad, as well.

Also I can’t believe I  had that much to say based off one scene.  I haven’t even watched the rest of their scenes this episode.  I hope it doesn’t get worse than what I suppose.  (I did read a summary, so I was going off that for the rest of it.)

ETA: In fairness, I feel I need to mention 2x01, where he knows she’s upset, knows where she’d be, finds her, is extremely supportive, and spends the evening with her chucking her memories of Henry in a hole.  He shows empathy, initiative, creativity: basically, he’s her Betty.  And later in the show bigger stuff happens to her and suddenly he’s MIA.  It’s peculiar and offputting.

[residentlesbrarian]

Fandom and Fanfiction Galore

Ship It by Britta Lundin

Aaaaaalrighty...so this was written almost 3 years ago hot out of ClexaCon 2018 and it is...an interesting one. I had and still very much have feelings about this book. Would I write my thoughts the exact same way today as I did back then...probably not! So enjoy this bit of a pre-pandemic pre-a-whole-bunch-of-other-personal-stuff-y’all-don’t-need-to-know-about me talking about a book I still don’t really know how I feel about! Enjoy!

This was another book I found because of the Queering YA panel at ClexaCon 2018. Being able to talk to Britta at the booth after the panel was awesome, because you could tell talking with her that she was a true fan. She knew what being surrounded by fandom was like and it made me pretty excited to read the book.

Unicorn Rating:

Blurb: Living in the environment of fandom can be an insane experience in both good and bad ways. This book delivered a unique experience and look into fandom culture that was surreal to read about outside of fanfiction and tumblr.

Disclaimer: I will try my best to not spoil anything from the book, but my book loving rambles may give more away than a traditional review. Here we go! Ramble time!

Review:

I would say overall this book felt a little weird for me. I didn’t absolutely love it but I also didn’t particularly dislike it. It fell in a very ‘meh’ place for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have good things to say about it, they are just slightly confusing things.

The plot was actually one of the things I liked the most about it. Even though it was a crazy unrealistic plot, it helped capture the absolute lunacy of being a member of fandom culture perfectly. Sometimes being a fan is a simple life of surfing Tumblr and liking posts but sometimes the craziest things happen and change your life forever. In this case the reader is swept up in this craziness with Claire and the unrealistic aspect of it all made it feel more realistic as counterintuitive as that sounds. That is what the fandom experience can feel like at times, everything makes so little sense it actually circles back around to making sense, but enough about that...time for some character rambles.

Now we have two perspectives explored in this book. That of Claire, the fangirl, and Forest, the actor who has never had to deal with fangirls before. Let’s start with Claire. I am of two minds on her. Part of me really doesn’t like her, mostly because she is a person that in real life I probably wouldn’t spend time around and, as I’ve stated in a previous review, I have a hard time separating myself from characters and remembering that they are only teenagers. Multiple times I actually physically facepalmed, while reading a hardback book! That isn’t easy to do, but I did it, because she was doing things that just seemed so illogical from my perspective. But I am an adult, so of course I have a completely different perspective than a teen who is away from home and feeling a little out of control for a plethora of reasons. Now the other part of me really liked her, strangely enough for those exact same reasons, she was so real that I went full ‘Mom’ mode and wanted to sit her down and have a talk about what she was going through before she did something she was going to regret. Even if I found the character to be unlikeable the fact I was still on her side and wanted to help her really shows the depth that was written into her.

Now moving on to Forest. Oh, Forest. He was a character that I was very intrigued by at first because his was a perspective I, as a fangirl myself, had never seen in a book before, but damn if he didn’t make it so hard to like him. Some of the things he said and did made me want to throttle him. I could excuse some of the stuff Clarie did because of her age and the craziness of everything going on around her, but Forest is an adult and should know better. He would improve and his actions would start to win me over, but then he would overreact to something and make me want to put on my throttlin’ gloves again. I felt like that Tyra Banks ‘I was rooting for you!’ reaction gif while I was reading this multiple times. Again, though, there were parts that I was glad Forest called Claire out on her actions when it was called for, but overall they both needed an intervention to have them sit down and just chill for five seconds.

I actually genuinely liked a majority of the side characters in this as well. I actually have less of the weird mental confusion when it comes to the side characters. Rico was cute and great around the fans. Jamie was a total asshat but he was written to be that way to foil Claire in her mission to make ‘Smokeheart’ cannon. One of my favorite scenes in the whole book was actually between Claire and the social media consultant, whose name I totally remember and am just choosing not to put in because I think that’ll be all avant garde...okay fine I forgot her name and I am not digging the book out to find it. Anyway...I can’t really go into detail about the scene because, you know, spoilers but it was so well done in the context of the story.

Now for the last big character I want to speak on, the love interest, Tess. Now I really liked Tess and even understood how she wanted to keep her nerdy hobbies a secret from her small town friends. I was lucky that I grew up in a family and a circle of friends that let me embrace my passions no matter how off-the-wall they may seem to others. Tess obviously didn’t have that kind of support but she was still so passionate just privately. I will say though, ironically given the title of the book, I don’t ship it. Tess and Claire definitely share an instant attraction and the chemistry is there but they have so much growing to do before they are anywhere close to having an actual healthy functional relationship. Maybe if we saw more of them it would feel more compelling but it just wasn’t for me.

So my final thoughts on this book are just...a little discombobulated. Part of me was really happy to read a book that portrayed a part of my life that is so hard to put into words at times. I have never been a rabid fangirl, but after Lexa’s death I had to try and explain my utter devastation to people who just didn’t understand why a fictional character mattered to me so much. This book captures at least a layer of the fandom experience in a way that I’ve never seen before. The problem I have in the end though is how problematic everything that happens was, and then the ending just felt so sudden. We didn’t see any of the characters address their issues on the page. I hope this review made some coherent sense, because this book still doesn’t really make sense even in my brain, but I need to wrap this up now.

Queer Wrap-up: Okay, so, for our rep we have a questioning main character who definitely has some queer tendencies, but overall her realizing her feelings took such a back seat to her mission to make a fictional ship cannon on a show that was already filmed it took away from the rep as a whole. It just felt like the focus was so split that the actual rep gets lost in the pages. There is no argument by the end of the book that Claire is queer, which earns the three unicorns on that alone, but some of the tropes that played parts in the book were just so cringey that I couldn’t rationalize giving it more than that. Even with a couple side characters who were revealed to also be queer they weren’t enough to cover for the less stellar parts of this book.

Links:

Britta Lundin’s Website

TheStorygraph

Amazon

Okay, so if you couldn’t tell by that train wreck of a review this book just confused me. It kept me just interested enough to pick it back up after I’d put it down, but also wasn’t that bad. It lives in a weird oxymoronic vortex in my brain that honestly gives me a headache if I focus on it too much. There were aspects of this book that I did genuinely like but it all gets swirled together with the parts that made me put it down and need to take a break. If any of you want to discuss those more spoiler-filled aspects please send an ask and I’ll welcome you into the cyclical nature of whatever this book is doing in my brain. And as always if you want to read this but don’t want to spend the money without knowing for sure you are going to like it, go to your local library. You’d be surprised what they have on their shelves just waiting to be discovered. Trust me, I’m a lesbrarian.

[mayapenelopeclutterbucket]

To all my followers and melendaire shippers get ready for me to be sappy af 💕💕 I tried to keep this short but y’all know me everything ends up way too long

Not to be a dramatic bitch or anything and be that person who stops watching because of a ship but I don’t know if I can do it next season guys I really don’t.

I was getting ready to change my url to Claire Browne and make a fanvideo after the season ended because I knew we’d get more melendaire content in the finale but after this I’m just done. This show made me so happy especially with everything going on in the world today and the fact that it got taken away from just like that and I’ll be bitter about it forever sucks. The fact that all it changes now depresses tf outta me the show actually got me to be active on tumblr and now it’s over

I know it shouldn’t be about the ships but they just did the character and the fans so fucking wrong okay they really did.

So this may be one of the last posts I make myself about the show so I just really wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to this fandom and these shippers. We’ve been through fucking hell and supported and each other and have been there for each other through every mishap and shared so many theories back and forth and I’ve never been that deep into a ship or fandom on here and I fucking love you all so god damn much.

Despite what the writers did to us tonight I still wanna thank the show for bringing these amazing fucking women in my life and introducing us to each other and be the first few to openly ship melendaire way back in the beginning of season 2 and starting a group chat because of it.

So to my girls:

@pinkobsessedfreak the baby and the pessimist of the chat I love you so much katie and I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t reached out to me in season 1 about melendaire and I will forever appreciate that. It felt like we were the only two at the time shipping it and to see you grow so much as well throughout high school and the chance that I got to see that means the world

@gilbxrt-blythe the optimist to my angst and who always cheered me on with my endless theories and would never leave me hanging talking about our ship. You always came in clutch with you Canadian promos 😂 and the fanfictions and have always been there for every single one of us and I love you so much Abby

@romancelvr the most levelheaded one out of all of us. You have always tried to calm us down and always gave so much wisdom and insight to the show, the ship and our lives and I will always be grateful for that. I’m going to miss your analyses of the show and how you had so much faith in things turning out okay tonight and I wish so badly you were right I love you so much sarah

@bellarke-rollercoaster you always gave Katie a run for the money about who was the pessimist 😂 but you’ve always managed to brighten up the chat with your bluntness and your humor and I love you so much for that. I’m glad to have known you and be there for you when I can and you do the same for me. I love you so mel and just you wait we’re all gonna visit you in France and annoy the shit outta of you

@jillrox202 you were the 2nd person to ever reach out to me about melendaire and we started messaging about them I was so happy to have found another friend to talk about them with. You’ve always come in clutch with the melendaire stuff happening on twitter and insta and always gave us links to the BEST fanvids and updated us on so much. If there was anything happening with melendaire you were always the first to know. I love you so much Abby and I’m so glad we became friends

@maddieandyou I know you left the chat last year but you still impacted my life and the fandom so much! I love your constant typos and you’ve always spit balled back and forth with me about theories and we could go on forever reblogging each other back and forth with new ideas and I’m gonna fucking miss that so much. You’re honestly probably the heart of this ship and brought the melendaire fandom/shippers so much closer together I love you Maddie

And to all my followers! The silent supporters and the ones who have always commented on my posts or reblogged or sent me asks, and the ones who have reached out to me when I was struggling personally, thank you so much for always making me feel welcome and being on this journey with me.

I would list you all but this post would end up so much longer then it already is but seriously I see all of you and please just know how much I love y’all.

Seriously you all have changed my life and I’m so fucking grateful for that and wish things could’ve ended better for us

I’m gonna miss y’all and your love and support for my shitty and always too long reaction posts and I’m gonna miss making memes and talking about theories with you all and I’m just gonna miss melendaire and Neil Melendez 😭😭

[itsafanficthing]

Healing

Another One Quote One Shot. This is a stand alone to a larger fic that I'll never write. The Quote is in Bold and Italic.

Thank you as always to @notevenjokingfic and @balfeheughlywed for putting this together again, finding the quotes, coordinating, beta-ing and being generally brilliant.

If A03 is more your jam: Here

“You broke my heart, Jamie.” She was breathing heavily. Trying to stop the water from falling from her eyes. How many more tears would she cry for this man?

“Ye think that it wasn’t hard for me? That it did’na hurt me?” His voice was rough. His accent always got thicker when he was upset.

“Hurt… hurt you?” She repeated the word. Hurt. “It may have hurt you. But you broke me. You may have been hurt. But you weren’t broken.” She shook her head. Damn her eyes. She could feel the salty water making tracks down her cheeks. She looked down, too afraid to meet his eyes. How much more could one person break?

“Sass-”

She hissed at the pet name about to fall from his lips and he stopped abruptly.

“Ye dinna understand what it was like for me.”

“What it was like for you?” She repeated incredulously. “No I bloody well don’t know what it was like for you because you didn’t talk to me. You just left.” She paused as she felt the knife in her heart twist again at the truth in her words. “You left. No reason. One night, bags packed and you were gone.” She laughed humorlessly,  “Sure. Be hurt. Feel that I have wronged you in someway. Because you’re right. I don’t understand. I didn’t then. And I sure as hell don’t understand why you’ve come back now.”

He had the good sense to at least look abashed at that, though she didn’t see it. She couldn’t look at him.

Broken. He had broken her heart when he left. Picked up his things and left- like he’d never been there.

She’d switched laundry detergents, washed her sheets, removed the smell of him from the house, from her memory.

She’d taken down the pictures of them together and locked them away. The weeks after he left were a haze to her. She went to work, she came home, she ate because she knew she had to, she slept because her brain shut down. She wasn’t really living. Claire was robotic. Going through the motions, waiting for each day to get better.

It did. Slowly. It became more than routine to get up, shower and go to work. She found some happiness in her work once more and her coworkers commented that she looked happier.

Happy. She was never truly happy now. He’d taken that from her. Which was ridiculous of course. He didn’t hold her happiness and she shouldn’t have put so much of her faith in a man that was flawed. But she’d loved him. Deeply. From her soul.

When he left, her heart had broken; her soul had fractured and she didn’t know how to put any of it back together again. People said that a broken heart was like a clean snap of a twig. One minute whole: the next in two.

But it wasn’t like that for Claire. Her broken heart was suffocating. It was a slow and deliberate crush under the weight of loneliness and depression. Her heart didn’t snap like a twig. It was slowly squeezed of its life. The love that she’d held for anything oozed out of her, leaving behind a despairing loneliness and isolation that faced her every morning.

She wanted her heart to break quickly. Crack or snap once and then she could begin the work of healing. But the agonisingly gradual process of compressing her soul under the gravity of her dysphoria meant that she couldn’t even think about healing. There was no chance to heal when a wound was still open and bleeding.

He said that it hurt him as well. She knew pain. She knew hurt.

Did he know broken? Did he know what it felt like to break? To look in the mirror and have no idea who the person was that was looking back at you? To look at yourself, recognise your features but somehow, you were lost?

Disassociation, the doctors called it. She’d written a paper on it when she was at university. She’d known what it meant theoretically then, but she was completely unprepared to experience it herself.

She’d put too much faith in him. Invested too much of herself in him and when he was no more, what was left of her? An empty shell of a woman, whose heart would not- could not stop bleeding.

He was flawed, so was she. They never pretended to be perfect. They fought, they disagreed but to have him leave so unexpectedly, so quickly, shifted her. The world came off its axis for a moment and she struggled to right herself in this new world. A world without Jamie.

She’d thought that they would grow old together. That they would lose each other to life eventually. She had never thought that she would lose him through choice.

Faith and trust in a flawed human. It was her own fault, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret it. Even as she was trying to suture her still weeping heart, she couldn’t bring herself to regret falling in love with him.

And now, here he was, six months later, standing in front of her, like nothing had changed.

She was not the same person and she was sure that he wasn’t either. How could he be? How could she?

“Will ye let me explain?” He asked cautiously. She still hadn’t looked at him again. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t.

Why should she let him explain anything? What would an explanation do to a damaged heart? Would there be any comfort in knowing the reasons he had left her? Would it just bring more pain? Could she handle any more pain?

Claire sniffed loudly. The tears falling from her eyes causing her nose to go as well. She hated crying. She hated crying in front of him. More than anything, she hated crying because of him.

“Please. I ken ye dinna understand. But I would…I think when I tell ye why, ye will.”

Claire finally looked up at him, wiping the tears from her eyes as she did so. She couldn’t actually meet his eyes, her gaze focused somewhere on his cheekbones, the two small scars that she’d loved tracing with her fingertips late at night. The mole on his left cheek, slightly raised from the skin. Not an imperfection by any stretch of the imagination. It suited him.

The ridge on his nose- broken at the age of twelve in a fight with his brother, neither of whom came out of it without scars. The almost blonde stubble that was scattered along a square jaw that Claire had once joked, “could cut a man”. Eyes- she couldn’t meet his eyes. She knew the depth of the blue, sparkling when he laughed, storming when he was angry.

The memories of her fingers tracing the familiar path along his jaw, the mole, the scars and the way he would close his eyes as she tried to memorize his feature by touch alone. Her memory didn’t do him justice. He was beautifully made- made for her, she had thought. But she should have known that it would come to an end. Good things were never made to last.

“I can’t forget what happened. Explanation or not. And I don’t know… I don’t want to forgive you. Hating you is so much easier and I think I deserve easier for a moment.”

“Claire, I -”

She held up her hand to stop him.

“I can’t, Jamie. I want to. But I can’t. Now now -”

“Then when?” Jamie interrupted, taking a step toward her.

Claire took an involuntary step backward away from him and flinched as though he had raised his hand to her. Jamie was dumbstruck at her reaction and froze in place, not daring to move.

“I don’t know if there will ever be a time that I will be ready to hear why you broke my heart.”

“Please Claire. It’s important that you know.”

“Important for who? For you? To relieve the guilt? So that you can feel some sort of justification for leaving me? Don’t worry about it. You can leave here in the knowledge that I’m fine. I’m still alive. I’ve moved on.”

“Have ye? Moved on?” Jamie asked taking a tentative step toward her. Claire stood her ground this time, arms crossed protectively against her chest.

“I’m trying,” she answered honestly. Though why she owed him any kind of truth about her life, she didn’t know.

“Because I haven’t. I haven’t thought about anythin’ else for six months.”

Six months ago Claire craved to know why he left, why he’d given up on them. But now?

It didn’t make sense for him to miss her. It didn’t make sense for him to care.

He’d made the choice to leave. He’d made the choice to pack his bags and go. So why should he think of nothing else for the entire time that they were apart?

Did she need his reasoning? Did she even want it? Claire had spent so long working on herself, to open herself up again, to even consider the possibility of falling in love again. But she knew, deep and buried in her soul, she would never love someone like she’d loved Jamie. And maybe that also included Jamie again. Could she ever love him like she had before?

“Would ye believe that I left… because it was what was best for you?” Jamie asked tentatively.

Claire couldn’t help the scoff that came from her mouth. It was an involuntary sound but the idea that he would leave and it would be anything but soul crushing for Claire was laughable.

Claire glanced up at Jamie briefly and was surprised to see that he was completely serious and was totally confident in what he’d said to her.

“No. I wouldn’t believe that.” Claire shook her head and felt a grin come to her face. Ridiculous. It was a ridiculous thought and she was having a ridiculous reaction to it. She should be screaming, crying, throwing punches and instead all she could do was laugh. She felt a chuckle burst through her lips at Jamie. She sounded hysterical.

“That’s… that’s laughable, Jamie. Of all the things you’ve ever said to me… that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It’s the truth, Sassenach.”

Claire felt her heart clench at the nickname that only sounded right coming from Jamie’s mouth. One minute she was laughing at the ridiculousness of what he was saying, the next her heart was compressed again hearing a familiar, at one time, loving nickname. Her stomach flipped as if she was on a roller coaster.

“I just… you might think that… but there’s nothing… there’s no way that I,” Claire paused trying to think through what she was trying to say. “You might think you were doing what was best for me… best for us, but there will never be any part of me that agrees with that.”

She watched as Jamie swallowed heavily and nodded slightly. For the first time she looked properly in his eyes and was genuinely surprised to see tears brimming on the blond eyelashes surrounding the blue of his eyes. She shouldn’t have looked in his eyes. For all that Jamie was talented at hiding his emotions, or what he was thinking, looking into his eyes not she could see the pain and regret in them now. Red rimmed- almost hungover in nature, they were not nthe eyes of Jamie as she knew him.

“If ye’d let me explain to ye-” Jamie began before Claire cut him off.

“When did you fall out of love with me?” She asked abruptly.

“I did’na.”

“When did you fall out of love with me?” Claire asked again, slower, unsatisfied with his response. “Because that’s the only reason I can think of that would cause you to pack up your bags and vanish. It’s the only thing that I could think of. You gave me no explanation of why you were leaving. I spent,” Claire took a deep breath as the tears in her throat made her voice wobble, threatening to choke her, “I spent six months, evaluating and assessing our relationship wondering when you fell out of love with me, when you began to hate me so much that you would leave me with nothing. Did I work too much? Did you meet someone else? Was it all my fault? Was I ignoring the signs? All these questions, daily, running and running and running through my head. Never giving me a break. Making me question everything about myself. So, I need to know. When did you fall out of love with me?”

“I did’na, Claire. Never.”

“I can’t-” Claire gasped as the lump in her throat threatened to choke her. Jamie reached out to her and she turned away from him. She didn’t think that she could bear to be touched by him.

“No explanation.” The words burst from her before she could stop them. “Nothing. Like you’d never existed. Just gone. And you come back now thinking, what? That I’d just be sitting here waiting for you?” Claire could see his somewhat blurred reflection in the window in front of her. Jamie was still reaching out to her, his hand hovering in the air. She was breathing heavily. She was snapping.

Maybe this was what people meant when they said that the heart broke like a twig snapping. Was this how she finally broke? She’d been crushed for months, suffocated and desolate. Was this the moment that she finally broke? A clean snap in two? The final tethers holding her to Jamie. The reason she couldn’t move on from him.

The anger. Was it that anger that fractured the last little piece of her?

“You left me with nothing after I’d given you everything. Every part of me. You had it. I gave it to you gladly. And you took it. You took it all Jamie. Until you decided it wasn’t enough, until I wasn’t enough. And you left.” Claire could feel her pulse beating heavily in her temples. “I don’t want your explanations. I don’t want your reasons. I don’t want…” Claire paused before the lie passed her lips. “I don’t want you.”

“Claire…” Jamie pleaded taking a step towards her. He was going to touch her arm and she braced herself for the contact.

Snap.

There it was; the final breaking point. As soon as Jamie’s large, warm hand came in contact with her shoulder, so gentle, so familiar- Claire felt it. She was completely broken.

She craved his touch. She craved him: and now she was completely broken.

Claire buckled under the weight of her heartbreak and her knees collapsed. She heard Jamie yelp in shock as he moved to catch her before she hit the stiff wooden floors.

No. He was too close. She could smell him. The familar smell of his laundry detergent. The smell of his aftershave. The smell of Jamie. It washed over her and she felt light headed.

His arms were wrapped around her as they crashed onto the floor together. Jamie took the weight of the fall and an “ooff” of a breath was pushed out of his lungs as Claire came into contact with him.

It was too much. The smell of him. Being cradled in his arms again. The sigh of contentment that he made as his nose nuzzled into her wild curls. It was familiar. It was... pain.

White-hot, searing pain lancing through Claire’s stomach, her temples, her finger tips. She made a sound of distress and Jamie’s arms loosened on her slightly and she found herself gripping his upper arms, too afraid to let him go, too afraid to touch him; stuck somewhere in the middle.

She whimpered but the all encompassing pain that had engulfed her body at first was subsiding and all that was left behind was a dull ache.

“Claire?” Jamie’s voice was soft and careful as he brushed some of her curls away from her eyes. He was so tender with her. Didn’t he know that every touch caused her physical pain? The sound of his voice, saying her name, like it was made for his lips- it hurt.

“You have to go,” she whispered. Her throat was hoarse, as if she had been yelling for hours. Her body was limp, pushed to the point of exhaustion. She’d given up and she’d given up in Jamie’s arms. The searing pain was the pain of a heart finally broken. A heart that had been beaten and trampled, that was weak and fighting for life. A weak pulse, threatening to give up.

And then with a touch from Jamie, an electric jolt to the system, her heart was restarted. And it hurt. Nobody ever said that healing was painful. The break was supposed to be the painful part. The healing was supposed to be… healing. It was supposed to give her life again. She didn’t think that healing was supposed to tear her apart again.

But she was whole when she was with Jamie. And she hated him for it. That after all this time, after all the pain and the heartache; when she was with him, she could breathe.

“I’m so sorry, Claire. I dinna think I’ve said it yet. I… Christ, to hold ye again, it’s like my heart will beat outta my chest, but to hold ye when I’m the one that hurt ye… feels like my heart is bein’ ripped out of me again.”

“Again?” Claire asked weakly. She was leaning into him. She couldn’t help it. He was solid and it had been far too long since she’d been held by someone. By anyone. By him.

“When I left, I left my heart with ye. It’s sounds so stupid. I canna sleep. I canna eat. Simple things, I canna enjoy them any more. Everything reminds me of ye. It was stupid to leave. It was… I was trying to help ye, I swear it, I thought it would be best. I thought I was holdin’ ye back. Ye deserve to be so much more, ye deserve to have so much more, an’ I could’na give it to ye. I still can’t. But I’m too selfish. I need ye. I’ve always needed ye.”

The words were pouring out of Jamie and Claire stiffened in his arms.

“I’ve wanted ye since the first time I’d seen ye. But I’ve loved ye… well I think I’ve loved ye just as long. I dinna have a life without ye.”

Claire shook her head. It’s wasn’t right for her to love someone this much, while at the same time hating them with everything she had.

“Ye make me want to be better. Ye make me better. And without ye… I can survive, as I’m sure ye can, but it’s no’ living. It’s existing. I dinna want to just exist, Claire. I want to live. I’m so sorry. I’ve pushed ye away… I’ve pushed ye beyond… beyond what anyone should bear, I canna tell ye how sorry I am. I ken ye hate me, I hate me, but I need ye. I need ye to forgive me.”

“How,” Claire’s voice cracked and she cleared her throat before starting again, “how could we ever… we’ll never be what we were.”

“I ken that.”

Claire felt Jamie nod as his nose brushed against her scalp.

“Do you? Because you’re coming back like… like I’ve just been waiting for you to come back. I’m a different person now.”

“Aye, I ken, nor am I. I suppose I’m askin’... will ye forgive me?”

“How can you ask me that?” Claire’s voice broke again and a fresh wave of tears started from her eyes and she shuddered in his arms.

Jamie spluttered a nonsensical response, words mumbled (I love you, I need you, I’m sorry, I can’t live without you), words running together as she felt tears in her hair. He was crying. Claire had only ever seen Jamie cry twice in his life. Once, two weeks after his father had passed away, and again, when his niece Maggie was in hospital. Not once had Jamie every cried over Claire, never had he cried in front of her if he could help it. Both times he’d turned and shrugged away from her touch. He hadn’t let her comfort him, no matter how much she had wanted to.

Now she could feel the dampness in her hair as he continued to repeat what seemed to be becoming a sort of mantra (please, forgive me, I love you, I’m sorry). He was gripping her tightly against his chest, as if when he let go she would simply disappear. He spoke in Gaelic, and so low that she could not have told what he said, even had she known the words. But the whispering voice was thick, and the moonlight from the casement behind him showed the tracks of the tears that slid unrehearsed down his own cheeks.

She hated him- hated him for what he did to her, for how he left her. She hated him for his apologies, she hated that today was the first time he was truly showing her how much he loved her. She hated that it felt right in his arms, like the piece of her that had disappeared with Jamie when he left was finding its way back home.

Claire hated that she loved him. She hated that she knew she would take him back, because he was right. She could survive without him, but it wasn’t living. She hated that she was only existing without him. She hated that her heart had skipped a beat at the sight of him standing in front of her, palms up in surrender, in apology.

She hated who she was without him and she hated that she was better when she was with him. She hated depending on him, she hated that she still trusted him. She hated that logically she knew it was wrong, that she shouldn’t want him anymore, that her heart was cracked and breaking, it was suffocated, crushed what she thought was beyond repair, but at the sight of Jamie she felt like she was taking a breath for the first time in weeks and her heart started to beat again.

“I hate you so much, Jamie.” The words were a whisper from her dry and cracked lips. Jamie’s mantra stopped abruptly and a shudder went through this body and echoed through Claire’s.

“I hate what you did to me. I hate the way that you left. I hate… I hate you so much.”

“Ye… ye canna forgive me?” He sounded so desperate, so lost. She had never heard him sound so broken before and she felt her broken heart beat irregularly in her chest.

“I hate that you broke me, you broke my heart and I hate, more than anything, I hate,” Claire throat closed up and she had to clear it a few times before she could speak again. “I hate that after everything, after hating you so much, I can’t stop loving you.”

Jamie’s breath left him in a whoosh and he pulled her roughly against his chest.

“I love ye, I’ve never stopped. I never will.” Jamie spoke quickly as if he was afraid that she would take the words back.

“I don’t know how you can ask me if I’ll take you as you are, no matter how much we’ve both changed, because no matter how much I might hate you right now, I’ll have you, whoever you are, no matter how much we’ve both changed, I want you anyway I can.”

Jamie twisted, moving Claire so that rather than cradling her from behind she could see his face. Although she had felt the dampness in her hair, and knew that Jamie had been crying, she was still surprised to see his red rimmed, still leaking eyes.

“I love ye, Claire. I promise that ye will not doubt it for another day as long as we both live.”

Claire swallowed heavily at the sincerity in his voice.

“I… may I… kiss ye?” Jamie’s asked shyly, waiting for her permission before moving.

Claire found that she had lost her voice somewhere along the line and simply nodded in reply.

He was hesitant at first. A soft peck against her lips. Almost not a kiss at all. Just holding Claire tightly for a moment, as if he was assuring himself that this was what she wanted.

He pulled back to look at her, to make sure that this was ok. In truth she had thought of this moment deeply, obsessed over it as it clouded every other rational thought of how much she should hate him. The moment that she would see him again, the moment that she would give him a piece of her mind; the moment that she would have a chance to turn him away. But this moment wasn’t anything like she thought that it would be. It was soft and tender and she was pulling him closer, she wasn’t turning him away because what was life without him but an empty black void of despair and loneliness.

As his watery eyes ran over her face, seeking permission, asking for forgiveness she leaned forward and connected their lips again. His hands moved to her face, cupping her jaw as he kissed her, thumbs wiping away tears that she didn’t even know were falling. Her hands were steady on his arms, feeling the solid realness of him, confirming that yes he was here, she hadn’t just imagined this, from her love starved brain.

Jamie broke from the kiss first and buried his head in Claire’s neck and she could feel his lips moving over her skin. He did always like her neck. He was mumbling something in between each press of his lips to her skin but so muffled by his proximity to her that she couldn’t make out a single word.

“I don’t know what you’re saying,” Claire said, her heart beating steadily in her chest for the first time since she had seen his packed bags by the front door.

“It does’na matter. Stuff and nonsense really,” Jamie answered pulling back from her skin to look at her before he leant forward and tenderly kissed her again.

Breaking, healing; suffocating, breathing. Arcs on an emotional pendulum that felt like it had nearly killed Claire. But it hadn’t. She still lived.

They still lived.

[chilly-me-softly]

Last Friday Night • (Part 6)

Chapter 1       Chapter 4 Chapter 2       Chapter 5 Chapter 3

Tag: @lfcxlouise @mwdders @walkeers

"Can't sleep?" the girl jumps up and the book in her hand almost falls down. She turns slightly to see the boy leaning against the doorway rubbing his eye. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you" he adds approaching to her.

"No, it's okay. I was- I wasn't even reading it" she snorts as she places the object on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Two important things had happened in the week that was coming to an end, their "relationship" had become public and they had told their families the news. Well, not in that order, but they were still the two most important things that happened during the week.  

It was enough to show Ben with a bandaged finger to spread the news, but managing their parents was tough. Of course they had told them the truth, neither of them thought their parents were stupid or wanted to make fun of them. So the truth seemed the right choice.

There were very different reactions between the two families.

It was obvious Claire's parents wouldn't take it too well. Her father was a particular type, so stubborn you couldn't have an argument with him. He always had to be on the right side of the argument because everything he said was written law -even if all the decisions were left to others to make. Her mother, on the other hand, was somehow different, or so the girl believed. She had her own boundaries but with her she could definitely have a more open dialogue than with the man.

And it was in fact her mother's reaction she feared the most, her judgment the most important one for her. She would never have expected that, no matter how wrong she might have been and how unrealistic the situation was. Her mother and father, incredible but true, after years of bickering had agreed on one thing. If she closed her eyes she could still hear the screams echoing in the house and she sitting on the couch helplessly without having a chance to say anything -not that they had heard anything, just trying to make her feel like shit.

In Ben's family instead there had been more understanding, that or they were very good at not expressing their emotions unlike her family. They had been in shock, for a few minutes in that living room silence was the only noise. But little by little the two had started asking questions, scolding the two boys and trying to understand. It was undoubtedly a strange situation but they were showing their love for their son even though they didn't agree with his choices, so much so that Claire found herself apologizing and running away from the room. Ben had found her sitting with her back against the bathtub and her face hidden between her legs, her wound still fresh.

"Give them some time" Ben's always trying to be there for her after the last few days, to make her feel better. A weight in his chest overwhelming him to think that she's going through everything for him. And she doesn't even know him.  

"Everything's going to be okay"

"Would you be offended if I told you to fuck off?" the guy shakes his head giggling, she's not really in the mood to hear that shit. She knows her parents, they're still standing there digging at each other for a forgotten anniversary over 20 years ago. And she doesn't want to live like that every time she has to be in the same room with them honestly.

"Shouldn't you be asleep? You have a game in a few hours"

"I'm just checking on my wife, you know? It's my duty after all" he shrugs while she sketches a smile, slowly the always worried and nervous guy is giving way to the real Ben. A kind, funny, sweet boy who could turn out to be a good friend in the long run.

"About that, uh, I think we're wearing the wrong rings" Claire giggles slightly as she takes off the ring that started it all.

Ben looks at her with one eyebrow raised, "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's got our names in it to begin with. And I'm not an expert, but I think I should wear the one with your name on it" the guy pulls out the item in question and notices his name engraved on it. In his defence he can say he hasn't yet got used to the new but familiar weight on his hand, turning it over in his hands to study the smallest details was still too early.

"Give me your hand" Claire silently watches the boy take her hand gently and put the right ring on her finger this time. They look into each other's eyes when she did the same and it's like a deja-vu, the same mix of emotions as a few days before when the same thing was done after signing that contract.

"We should-we should go" he clears his throat nodding, standing up and pulling her with him.

"Tomorrow's your big day" with a slight elbow to the side he passes her, giggling as he glances over his shoulder and sees her standing still on the spot.

Claire takes her time to take a deep breath, collect her things and climb the stairs. But when she gets to the top she realizes to her amazement that Ben is still waiting for her in front of her room door. "You'll do great" a kiss left on her cheek before heading into what is her room now and closing the door in front of the boy who is just waiting for that before returning to his own room.

The alarm for her debut in society, as Ben liked to call the day, sounds too early for the girl. It's just a game, she remembers passing a hand over her face, a game where you have to pretend to have had a secret relationship for years with what is now your husband. But still a game.

"Do you remember a football game lasts ninety minutes right?" Ben teases her while she has her face almost completely hidden in the cereal bowl, trying not to think about what is going to happen soon but her head -or Ben- doesn't seem to be of the same idea.

"Ha ha, how funny you are. But who's the guy rehearsing putting the tape on his finger? Ah yeah, you" she replies sharply rolling her eyes. The two seem working to complete one another without noticing it, if one is nervous the other acts as if nothing is happening, trying to transmit strength and calm to the other.

And Claire has every right to be nervous, now it's her turn. After today, everyone will know who's the wife of the Leicester defender everyone's been talking about lately. She feels nauseous just thinking about it.

They knew each other better in those days of course, but she's always afraid something might go wrong. That one of them might talk too much and spoil everything. The keywords for the day were, in fact, never far away and keep it vague.

"Okay okay, sorry" he raises his hands in surrender but keep the smile on his face. He knows he should be nervous too -actually deep down he's shitting his pants- but there's something different about him that day. It's either Claire's already more than obvious concern or the fact she's wearing the shirt with his name on her back. He doesn't know exactly, just that by looking at her he felt her anxiety and immediately tried to lighten the weight she feels by making a few jokes. "But if you like any of my friends, can you not show that?"

"Stop it" she complains by hiding her face behind her hands while he giggles, she'll make him pay for it at the first opportunity. He already knows.

Then time passes quickly, he leaves to go to practice before the game with the promise to call him if something happens on the way to the stadium. Claire has never been to a stadium, no one has ever taken her there and football wasn't exactly one of her main interests. So she is amazed to see the King Power even though she knows for a fact that there are others in the country bigger and better looking. She smiles at some children excited about the match as she tries to remember the directions repeated over and over again in those days, and eventually manages to get there.

She feels someone's eyes on her as she predicted, but the atmosphere there is too beautiful to worry about strangers. So she decides to enjoy the match as much as she can, her eyes always fixed on the home team's number three.

And it's when even the additional minutes are over that anxiety starts to return inside herself, now it's time to get to know Ben's second family.

 Chapter 7

[three-drink-amy]

In the Eye of a Hurricane

I’m so sorry for the delay between chapters. Between my real life and other fic projects, this one just took a bit longer. I promise to not let it get that long after this one! Thanks for reading! 

master list - AO3

Chapter Eleven

Claire stared down at the letter in her hands. Four words and an initial were all that graced the page, and yet it was seared into her brain. 

It has been delivered. 

-N

She knew for safety’s sake, he hadn’t put more detail. It could have ruined her if a longer letter had gotten lost or intercepted by the wrong person. The message was simple and informative for the person who knew what it meant. The papers had been delivered to Frank. What she wished had been added to the letter was his reaction. How did he take it? Did Ned have any feeling on how much longer this all would last? 

But sadly, there were no answers to those questions. Just four words and an initial. Nonetheless, she couldn’t put the letter down. She kept staring at it as though it would change and reveal new information. 

The staring continued even as Jenny pushed Ian and Jamie into the kitchen, trying to talk over their protests. “We have something to discuss as a family, aye?” Jenny yelled to them. 

Both men looked over at Claire. Jamie looked concerned and Ian followed him as he walked closer. “Is everything alright, Claire?” Ian asked. 

Claire nodded. “Yes.” She pulled her eyes from the note to look over at Jenny. “What will the discussion be about?” 

“Christmas,” Jenny replied. 

“Tis still a few days away,” Jamie reminded. He crouched down in front of Claire. “What’s the matter, a nighean?” 

“Nothing,” Claire lied. 

“Well something seems to be,” Ian maintained. 

Claire sighed, looking back to the paper she’d dropped in front of her on the table. She handed it to Jamie. His brow furrowed as he read the short note. “Frank got the papers,” Claire informed the room. 

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Jenny asked, walking closer to the table. 

“Of course, yes,” Claire agreed. “It’s just that my whole life now rests on what happens next.” 

Jamie placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Ye ken whatever happens next, we’ll support ye.” 

“Aye, or defend ye from it,” Ian added. Jenny nodded in agreement. 

Claire smiled at them, taking Jamie’s hand in hers. “Thank you,” she choked out. “It means more than you know.” She cleared her throat. “So why don’t we talk about Christmas? Something cheerful might be a good distraction.” 

“Good idea,” Jenny said. She sat down at the other end of the table. Jamie sat down next to Claire, Ian next to Jenny. “So Christmas Day will just be the four of us and Jamie. And of course we’ll have our annual party on Hogmanay.” Everyone nodded in reply. “But I thought we could have a couple of people over on Christmas Eve for dinner.” 

Jamie narrowed his eyes at his sister. “Which people?” 

“Now before anyone starts giving opinions, let me just say that I’ve already invited them,” Jenny asked, clenching her teeth nervously. 

Jamie sighed. “Let me guess. Tis Laoghaire ye invited?” 

“Look, I talked to her about what ye asked me to speak wi’ her about,” Jenny started. “Twas an awkward conversation, but I think she understands.” 

“Think?” Ian asked. 

“I was as clear as I could be wi’out making things too uncomfortable,” Jenny corrected. “Anyway, twas just going to be her and Mrs. Fitz on Christmas Eve and so I invited them when I saw them at the market. The rest of the grandkids arena coming until Christmas Day and I hated the idea of them just being there alone,” she explained, flashing Jamie pleading eyes. 

“I understand where ye’re coming from,” Jamie said cautiously, “but understand where I’m coming from. I dinna want my holidays to be spent wi’ a girl who constantly targets and offends the woman I -” he caught Claire’s look and cut himself off, “Claire.” 

“The woman ye Claire?” Ian asked, giving Jamie a strange look. 

“I won’t let him use the “L” word,” Claire explained with a small grin. 

“Because of the divorce?” Jenny asked. 

“No, because the bloody man won’t let me say it back if he’s said it first,” Claire told them. 

Jenny stared at Jamie in confusion. Ian nodded beside the other man. “I suppose I understand that.” 

“What are ye -” Jenny started before she cut herself off. “Never mind. Back to Christmas! Look, I will do my best to make sure Laoghaire is on her best behavior. And honestly, I dinna ken if she’d act that way in front of her grandmother. So I think it will be fine.” 

“Better be,” Jamie muttered. 

“Now, onto Hogmanay,” Jenny continued. “There will be lots of people coming from the village. Jamie, I’m sure they’ll all be too happy to see ye.” 

“Will it be...safe?” Claire asked. “I mean, I don’t really go into the village just in case. Will it be safe for me to be at this party? I can always just stay up in my room.” 

“Ye’ll do no such thing,” Ian insisted. “It will be safe. I promise ye. None of these people would do ye any harm.” 

“More than that, I’m not sure they’d know who ye are just by looking at ye,” Jenny reasoned. “And if we just told them a different story, they’d have no reason to connect ye wi’ the woman people were looking for back in October.” 

“So what would my story be?” 

“How about mostly the truth?” Ian suggested. “Ye’re Jamie’s lass.” 

Claire looked over at Jamie, noting the smile on his face as he reached for her hand. “I suppose I could go by my maiden name. No one’s heard of a missing Claire Beauchamp.” Jenny nodded in approval. “We could keep most of the details the same,” Claire continued, looking at Jamie. “We met in the war and were separated. Maybe we began corresponding after the war and you invited me here when war-torn London was too much and I needed a place to heal.” 

“Sounds like something Jamie would do,” Ian mused. 

Jamie shrugged before nodding. “That would coincide wi’ the vague stories we shared with Laoghaire and Mrs. Fitz as well. And explain why ye’ve stayed.” 

“Well I’ve stayed because of you, fool,” Claire said, squeezing his hand. 

Jenny smiled at the two of them. “Are ye excited for yer first Christmas together?” 

Claire and Jamie looked at each other before glancing over at Jenny. “It’s actually not our first Christmas together,” Claire corrected. “Jamie was in the tent over Christmas of ‘43.” 

“Aye, that’s right,” Jamie recalled with a fond smile. “Twas right after I got there.” He laughed as he was clearly thinking of that day. “Ye wouldna let me sit up yet -”

“Because you couldn’t,” Claire reminded.

“And yet ye brought me eggnog that someone had somehow gotten ahold of,” Jamie continued. 

Claire laughed. “That’s right. That was a stiff eggnog,” she remembered. 

“Aye, we ended up sharing it,” Jamie finished. 

Jenny made a humming noise, causing them to look at her. She smiled at them. “Makes me happy to ken that at least one of yer Christmases away wasna terrible.” 

“Well I’m obviously verra much excited for this Christmas, Janet,” he promised her. “Tis been too long since I’ve had a proper Lallybroch Christmas.” 

“Then we should be getting everything ready,” Jenny said, standing up from the table. “Let’s go, folks.” 

* * *

Claire was hiding. She’d finished her shift in the tent, but she knew that if she went to the mess tent, she’d find Jamie there. He was leaving the next morning and she had absolutely no idea what to say to him. It had been so sudden, the way he’d changed. There should be some logical explanation, but she couldn’t figure it out. They’d been close (closer than they should be) the entire time he’d been there. But then the flip had switched and he treated her like any other nurse. Like they’d never crafted an elaborate lie for his benefit together. She wanted to confront him and ask him why he was choosing to leave, but she never did. But she couldn’t deny, she was hurt. 

Claire was sneaking between tents when she was discovered. 

“Nurse Randall.” 

Claire closed her eyes, sighing. “Yes?” She turned around to see Jamie standing in front of her. 

“I wanted to thank ye,” he said. 

“For what?” she asked exasperatedly. 

Jamie took a small step closer. “For saving my life.” 

Claire shook her head. “Please, I didn’t do anything.” 

He raised one brow at her. “Ye did. More than most people think ye did.” 

A silence hung between them, making her want to ask him all her questions. Why was he leaving? Why did he shut her out? Had she done something to offend him? 

But she didn’t ask any questions. “Just be careful,” she whispered. “Or else it will have all been for naught.” 

He laughed lightly. “I will.” 

When another silence fell upon them, Jamie took it as his cue to part from her. 

Instead of going to the mess hall, Claire went to her tent. She laid down on her cot but sleep wouldn’t find her. The whole night was spent worrying about Jamie and already mourning his absence, even when he was still at camp. When the sun was rising, Claire got herself up and prepared herself to go say goodbye to the person who’d meant so much to her. 

The jeep was packed and ready for those departing. Jamie stood apart from her, seemingly unsure if he should say anything to her. Their eyes locked and he sighed, deciding to make his way over to her. 

“Take care,” he said, bidding her farewell. 

Claire could barely meet his eyes. “You too. I meant it, be careful. Don’t be a bloody hero.” 

Jamie laughed. “I’ll do my best.” His hand reached out but dropped back to his side. “Ye be careful as well, Claire.” 

She felt tears springing to her eyes. “I will,” she whispered. 

A call from behind him meant it was time to go. Claire looked up to Jamie, trying with all her might to memorize the look of him. His hand shot out quickly, grabbing one of hers. He squeezed her hand and released it before she could even process it. 

“Goodbye, Claire.” He walked off towards the jeep. 

“Jamie!” she called. He froze, but didn’t turn. “Goodbye.” His body heaved with a sigh before he hopped in the jeep. 

Claire curled her arms around her torso, shrinking a bit in her sadness. She watched as the jeep pulled away. Tears started to steadily fall down her cheeks as he got further and further away from her. When it was out of sight, Claire slowly turned and walked back toward her cot. She was close to sobbing and wanted to be as secluded as possible when the emotions within her finally broke free. Curling in on herself, she wept for the Jamie sized hole in her life, all the while ignoring how absolutely wrong it was. 

* * *

When the knock on the door came, somehow Claire was the only one around. Jenny was putting her feet up after Ian, Jamie, and Claire had all insisted. Ian was upstairs helping Wee Jamie through an ill-timed meltdown over God knows what. And Jamie was putting the last touches on the Christmas tree they’d been decorating as a family. 

Claire strode to the door and pulled it open, welcoming Mrs. Fitz and Laoghaire into the house. “Happy Christmas!” she greeted. 

Mrs. Fitz pulled her immediately into a hug. “And Happy Christmas to ye, my dear! Ye look just bonny,” she said with a large smile. 

“Thank you,” Claire replied with a dip of her head. “I’m so happy the two of you could join us this evening.” She leaned in closer to Mrs. Fitz. “I took charge of the meal, which I assure you was only because of your sage teaching.” 

The older woman beamed, wrapping an arm around Claire’s shoulders. “That brings me so much joy, lass.” 

A sigh from Laoghaire grabbed Claire’s attention. “I find it hard to believe that Jenny would just give away the Christmas meal.” 

“Well, it wasn’t entirely willingly,” Claire admitted. “She was feeling quite tired and the rest of us made her take some time to rest.” 

Laoghaire nodded, looking around the entryway. “Ye really fancy yerself part of the family, don’t ye?” 

Claire bit back the retort she had at the tip of her tongue. Instead she shrugged with a fake smile. “I suppose so. It all comes down to them welcoming me into the family.” She saw her shot and she took it. “Especially after recent developments,” she added. 

Mrs. Fitz raised an eyebrow. “And what developments would those be?” 

Claire hugged her arms around herself, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious. “Jamie and I have...rather, uh, taken up with each other.” 

Laoghaire’s face showed fury while her grandmother squealed with delight, wrapping Claire in another hug. “Oh dearie, how wonderful. The two of ye make such a pair!” 

“Thank you,” Claire replied, blushing. 

“Where did ye say Jenny was?” Laoghaire asked. 

“She should be in the sitting room.” 

Without another word, the younger woman left them. Not long after she departed, Jamie walked into the room, his hand finding Claire’s waist. Claire looked over and smiled at him as he greeted Mrs. Fitz. 

“Claire, here, was just telling me the good news,” Mrs. Fitz said with a wink. 

Jamie looked at Claire, a bewildered expression on his face. “Sorry, I guess I was just excited,” she confessed. 

He shook his head, a broad smile on his face before he leaned in and kissed her temple. “Well aye, I suppose it’s a verra Merry Christmas.” 

“Indeed,” Mrs. Fitz agreed. “I’m so happy for the both of ye. I could tell the moment I saw the two of ye together that there was something.” 

They shared a look before glancing back to their guest. “Well, I need to go check on dinner. I would never hear the end of it if I burnt Christmas Eve dinner,” Claire said, excusing herself. Jamie squeezed her hand once as she walked away. He turned to escort Mrs. Fitz into the sitting room where the fire was roaring. 

The evening had turned out beautifully. Jenny had promised a nice night and it had delivered. The one comment at the door was Laoghaire’s only barb at Claire. After dinner, the group sat in the sitting room again, feeling the warmth of the fire as they imbibed and shared stories. Claire curled into Jamie’s side, clutching her glass to her chest. He placed a kiss on her head as his arm crept around her back. 

Occasionally throughout the evening, one of the adults would get up to refill a drink. Jamie returned with a mug in his hands, switching from his typical whisky. Claire furrowed her brow but asked nothing. She sat up, allowing him to reclaim his seat before she curled back into him. He took a long drink before holding it out to her. “Tis a bit strong. Can ye help me finish it?” he asked, a reminiscent grin on his face. 

Claire met his gaze before looking down to see the eggnog in his mug. She mirrored his grin, leaning up to kiss him quickly. “I’d be happy to,” she agreed, taking a sip of it. Coughing a bit, Claire looked back up at him. “Christ, you weren’t kidding. I thought that was just a joke.” 

Jamie laughed, bringing her in closer. “Ye think anyone in this house would make less than strong eggnog?” he asked. 

She nodded, chuckling. “Fair enough,” she admitted, taking another sip. 

“This is a lot better way to share it, is it no’?” Jamie asked.

“I don’t know, there’s something about wartime and the fear of dying,” Claire disagreed. Jamie’s face filled with concern. She laughed, smacking his arm. “I was kidding.” She laid her head on his shoulder and handed the mug back to him. “Of course this is better. Every part of it is.” 

When Young Jamie started to fade, Jenny and Ian both took him upstairs to tuck him in, leaving him with promises of Christmas morning. Claire felt the need to play hostess in Jenny’s absence and got up to put plates and cups in the kitchen. As she turned from the sink, Laoghaire walked into the kitchen behind her. Claire stood there silently, watching the girl. 

“I wanted to apologize to ye, Claire,” Laoghaire said, shocking Claire to her core. 

“Oh?” 

“I havena been verra kind to ye, I’m afraid,” Laoghaire admitted. Claire’s eyes flicked to a point just over the girl’s shoulder where Jamie stood in the doorway, cautiously approaching. Laoghaire sighed with a shake of her head. “I’m no’ quite sure why I’ve been so harsh to ye.” 

Claire narrowed her eyes a bit, taking a deep breath. “Well, I have an idea. But it’s alright.” 

“I can see that ye’re important to the Murrays so I wanted to apologize for the way I’ve spoken to ye,” she continued. 

“So ye’re only apologizing to Claire because Jenny and Ian care for her and no’ because ye feel bad that ye treated her like shite?” Jamie asked, revealing his place in the doorway. 

She whirled around, looking at him. “Jamie, that’s no’ what I meant.” 

“Well it’s how it sounded,” he pointed out, walking over towards the sink where Claire stood. “How about ye try again?” 

“That’s not necessary,” Claire said, holding a hand in front of Jamie. “I appreciate the sentiment. I think - ” she looked over at Jamie “- and well, hope that we’ll be in each other’s lives for a long time.” 

A dark look crossed the other girl’s face, but she quickly tried to cover it. ��Of course. Grannie and I should be going. But thank ye both for a lovely evening. Please relay that to Jenny as well.” 

Both Jamie and Claire nodded. “Of course,” Claire replied. “And we’ll see you for Hogmanay, right?” Laoghaire nodded before walking to the other room. 

Jamie turned to appraise Claire. “Why were ye so nice to her?” he asked. 

Claire shrugged, moving to put her arms around his neck. “I don’t really give a flying fuck what that girl says to me. I’m too happy,” she said with a sigh as she leaned in to kiss him. 

Jamie’s hands found her waist, pulling her ever-so-slightly closer. “I like that answer,” he whispered against her lips. 

* * *

The next morning, Claire was gifted the most special Christmas morning she’d had since she was a small child. A small kiss to the forehead roused her. Her eyes fluttered open to see Jamie looking down at her, a wide smile on his face. “Merry Christmas, mo nighean donn.” 

Claire reached her hand up to ruffle through his hair. “Merry Christmas, Jamie.” Her hand tightened in his hair and she brought his head down for a kiss. “How long have you been awake?” she asked between kisses. 

“No’ long,” he admitted. “I just couldna wait for ye to wake up. I apologize.” He laid back down in the bed, bringing her to rest against him. 

Claire wrapped an arm around his torso, letting herself curl into him as she tried to wake up more. “I can understand that, I suppose.” She chuckled to herself. “Though you’re almost like a child on Christmas morning.” 

“Well I must remind ye that it is Christmas morning, Sassenach,” he said with a quick kiss on her nose. Her nose wrinkled in reply as she laughed. “And I’ve something for ye.” 

She opened one eye, looking at him speculatively. “Do you mean an actual gift or were you talking about -” she cleared her throat and looked down “- something else?” 

Jamie laughed, running a hand along her stomach. “I mean an actual present. Though ye ken it wouldna take too long for that either, should ye be interested.” 

Claire shook her head as she laughed. She sat up in bed, sitting against the headboard and pulling the covers with her. “Present first,” she grinned. Jamie nodded, jumping out of bed to go grab it. 

She looked around Jamie’s room, trying to find the parts of it that made it his. Most nights since they’d returned from Edinburgh, they’d retired to separate rooms, but Jamie would sneak over to hers. Claire often gave Jamie a hard time for it. She figured Ian and Jenny knew what was going on. But for whatever reason, Jamie insisted upon it. Last night had been different though. Jenny and Ian had gone to bed while Jamie and Claire had been cleaning up the kitchen. They’d walked up the stairs hand in hand and Jamie had simply pulled Claire in the direction of his room. She’d raised a brow at him, but he only shrugged and kissed her. 

Jamie walked back over to the bed, his hands held behind his back. “Okay, dinna be too hard on me,” Jamie started. “Tis been a long time since I gave anyone a gift.” 

“You gave Young Jamie a gift just a month ago for his birthday,” Claire reminded him. 

Jamie gave her a look. “Alright, let me rephrase then. Tis been a long time since I gave anyone a gift that I thought would really matter.” 

She smiled brightly, holding her hands out for it. He stared at her before finally moving his hands and placing the long, skinny box in her palms. Claire looked down at it, noticing the careful wrapping. Her long finger hooked in the corner of the paper and she was tearing it open. His eyes were on her the whole time. Taking the top off the box revealed a silver locket in the shape of a heart. Claire gasped softly as she picked it up and looked at it closer. The heart was decorated with an intricate etching of thistles. She turned it over in her palm before opening it. There was an engraving on the back of it. Mo chridhe. She didn’t even know what it meant, but she was touched by it. Sticking a fingernail between the hinge, she peeled the locket open, letting out a breathy laugh at the picture inside. It was Jamie, likely just before he was initially sent off to war. 

“Twas the only picture I could find,” he confessed. 

Claire looked up at him, tears swimming in her eyes. “It’s perfect,” she assured him. “That’s who I met.” He smiled at her, his hand laying on her knee. “I only have one question.” 

“My heart,” he answered before she could ask. He stared at her, his emotions clear on his face. 

Claire beamed at him as she clutched the locket in her fist. She leaned forward and brought him in closer. “Thank you,” she whispered just before kissing him. Their heads rested together, taking a moment to just be with the other. 

“I have something too,” she said, pulling back from him. “Let me go get it.” Walking back in the room, her arms were full with a large object wrapped in a blanket. She set it down on the bed in front of him. 

Jamie looked at her curiously before he moved to pull back the blanket. It took some effort to get it untangled. He threw the cover behind him, gazing down at the present before him. It was a beautiful wooden chest with “Fraser” carved into the top. Jamie glanced up to her and then back at the chest. “Claire, this is gorgeous. Where did ye find this?” 

She sat herself down on the bed next to him, her arm linking through his. “I found it in a shop in Edinburgh. I didn’t buy it when we were there, but I bribed Ian to go back and get it for me so I could surprise you. He’s actually the one who carved the name in there. I owe him. A lot.” 

Jamie ran a hand over the smooth wood in awe. “It’s beautiful,” he said with a shake of his head. 

“That’s actually not the whole present,” Claire added. “Why don’t you open it?” 

He looked to her with an excited expression. Opening the chest revealed a number of books hidden inside. His mouth dropped open as he pulled ten different books out of the chest. His eyes were wide and curious as he looked over the titles and back to her. 

“I remembered what you said you missed most,” she explained. “During the war,” she added. “You told me you missed home, but you also missed the simplicity of sitting down and reading a good book. So I found these in the bookshop in Edinburgh. Some of these are ones I’ve enjoyed and a few of them are some of Uncle Lamb’s favorites.” 

Jamie hadn’t spoken as he looked through the books. Claire grew nervous at his silence. He finally looked back to her after he put the books back in the chest. “All that time, I hung on every word ye said,” he confessed. “I never imagined that ye might have been doing the same.” 

Claire laughed, her hands landing on either side of his face. “Every bloody word,” she promised. 

“I love ye, Claire,” he sighed. Claire rolled her eyes. Not a typical response. “Sorry,” he said with a laugh. 

She shook her head with an amused grin. “One of these days.” 

Claire leaned in and kissed him, moving closer to him. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her against him. She sighed into his mouth as his fingers wound through her hair. They were setting a slow pace. Jamie’s hands moved from her hair and roamed down her body, making her gasp as he pressed forward and laid her down on the bed. He hovered over her, looking down at her. A smile and a caress between them, they were kissing again, moving faster this time. Quietness was key with a small child around. Claire couldn’t help but keen a bit as Jamie’s hand ended up sliding up her nightgown, finding the very spot she wanted him. 

His mouth crashed against hers as a way of quieting her. “Ye ken I love yer wee sounds, but we canna be heard,” he reminded her. She rolled her eyes and flexed her hips against his hand. His fingers were moving against her in delicious ways. He’d quickly sought out different ways to make her cry out. She fastened her arms around his neck, pulling him down to kiss her again. They only had so much time before the rest of the family expected them to be opening presents. Claire pushed down his pajama pants, taking him in hand. It was Jamie’s turn to make wee noises. 

Their breaths were already heavy. Claire looked at him, giving him a nod. He took the hint and drove into her, kissing her to absorb her cry at their joining. She clutched him to her, moving eagerly against him. They rocked together, holding and encouraging the other. The sound of Jamie breathing Gaelic to her was all she could comprehend. He pulled the top of her nightgown down, making it bunch around her torso, before he kissed across her chest. 

Jamie’s attentiveness and eagerness as a lover had brought her release faster than she’d expected. She fell apart around him, biting her lip to avoid crying out the three words at the front of her mind. She held him as he spilled into her. He rolled to the side and brought her with him, both of them staring at the other with sated smiles. 

“Merry Christmas,” Claire panted. 

Jamie leaned forward and kissed her. “Indeed.” 

* * * 

Christmas continued to be a wonderful day. There had been so many different reasons for joy that swirled together, leaving everyone content and pleased. Jenny felt joy at her first Christmas with both her child and her brother there. Jamie felt joy at being back with his family and having Claire with him. Claire felt joy at feeling like she was truly part of a family for the first time in a very long time. The peace of the day wasn’t lost on any of them. 

But Christmas eventually passed and made way for Hogmanay. The peacefulness of Christmas led to a jittery excitement over the Annual Murray Hogmanay Party. Jenny wanted everything to look perfect. As Claire stood back and gave it a once over, she thought Jenny had accomplished her mission. 

She’d never celebrated Hogmanay before and Jamie was more than happy to tell her all that she should expect. They spent every night between Christmas and Hogmanay, curled together, talking about the party. Claire smiled to herself in the dark as she picked up on how excited Jamie truly was. 

The weeks they’d been back from Edinburgh had been just about blissful. She’d never felt this way with anyone but Jamie. It was easy and comfortable when not passionate and tender. Each facet of their relationship was a stark difference to her past. She clung to Jamie easily though nightmares, the occasional times she had them. He soothed her back to sleep and held her tight against him. Her dependence on him was growing and she knew it should frighten her. But it just didn’t. She loved him and she was excited for more people to know. 

* * *

Ian watched as the party continued around him. Jenny astounded him every year with the amount she could pull off. Each decoration was perfect and each guest seemed to be having a wonderful time. He walked over to his wife and wrapped his arms around her from behind, his hands settling on her large belly. “Looks perfect, Mrs. Murray,” he mused. 

She hummed in reply, her arms coming up to hold his. “Look at them,” she said in reply. He didn’t need to ask who she meant. He glanced over to see Jamie and Claire smiling like idiots as they talked over their drinks. “They’re just so happy.” 

Ian nodded. “Aye, that they are.” He’d been certain by the look on Jamie’s face when Claire showed up nearly three months ago that there was something between them. But as he watched the two of them, blissfully happy with the other, he realized he had no idea just how much there actually was. Young Jamie ran over to the pair of them. Jenny and Ian watched as Jamie picked up the young boy and Claire eagerly spoke with him. It almost felt like looking to the future, with the two of them talking to their own child. They were so engaged with the boy, so attuned to each other, that it seemed like no one else was at the party. 

“I need to refill the trays,” Jenny said all of the sudden, disturbing Ian from his observation. 

“Aye, I’ll help ye.” 

They walked into the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind them. While refilling the trays, they couldn’t help but comment on what they just watched. 

“It makes me happy for him,” Jenny said needlessly. “To think that something beautiful came out of this bloody war.” 

Ian nodded. “I ken just what ye mean. To look at them, ye can just feel how happy they are to finally be wi’ each other.” 

“I just hope it lasts,” Jenny replied darkly. 

Ian sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Aye. I think my two wishes for the new year are as follows: One, our new bairn comes happy and healthy. Two, Claire gets her divorce.” 

Jenny sighed. “I think that’s a fair list. I just hope that Randall leaves Inverness, goes back to England, and doesna try to find her again.” 

“I think we all hope that,” Ian agreed. The sound of a door closing made Ian whip his head around. No one had entered the kitchen. He was suddenly nervous that they’d been overheard. Walking to the door, he peeked through into the hall. No one was around. Releasing a sigh of relief, Ian walked back to his wife and helped her carry the trays back out. 

* * *

Someone had heard Ian, though. She bolted from the kitchen after hearing enough. Trying to make herself blend in the crowd, she went over and pretended to be part of a conversation. Her eyes drifted, though, always lingering on Jamie and her. She’d always suspected something was off. Her stomach clenched at the sight of them laughing together and holding each other. It was wrong. Jamie wasn’t supposed to be with her. And worse than that, the bitch was still married. It was there at that party that she hatched her plan. 

She couldn’t drive, so it took her a week to get enough rides to Inverness to find and meet the man she was looking for. 

“You’re Randall?” she asked, looking the man over.  

He scowled at her. “What do you want?” He seemed worse for the drink. 

A smile spread across her face. “My name is Laoghaire and I ken where your wife is.” 

* * *

Miles away, back at Lallybroch, Claire was curled in Jamie’s arms, feeling safe and secure. She had no way of knowing all hell was about to break loose. 

Next chapter

[chemiste]

She - H.S. soulmate au

blue - the first time you see them

It doesn’t matter how you see them. It could be a photo, a video, the back of their head on a crowded sidewalk. All that matters is that you’ve now seen them, your soulmate.

For most people, one day they may find themselves going about their schedule as planned. Maybe shopping, getting groceries, or going clubbing, and suddenly their world changes. They drop their new Prada purchase on the ground as they gaze up to the bright blue sky, the milk carton in their hand no longer a version of grey but bountiful sapphire, the drunk girl’s sequin dress now sparkling in the disco light a captivating periwinkle.

Hopefully, they’re able to get their bearings in time since sometimes, unfortunately, their soulmate won’t see them as they drive away from the store or leave the bar with other friends. But if they do, and that person looks up from the carton in their hand to the women holding a box of rice down the aisle, its like magic.

For you, it happened at a very young age. You had been at the mall with friends, going through the J-14 magazines in the back section of Claire’s.

“Oh my god! I got Zayn from the quiz!” your friend Maggie exclaimed excitedly. The rest of your gaggling group of 13-year-olds gathered around her as she pointed out the famed ‘which One Direction member will you marry!’ quiz in the magazine. You weren’t a big boyband fan and honestly didn’t know what she was talking about until you went over.

“Who?” You asked, going through big title names like Justin Bieber or Usher and not ringing any bells. She grinned, “It’s a new band that formed from the X-Factor, they are totally gorgeous and now I’m pleased to say I’ll be marrying”— she shoved the glossy paper in your face— “this one!!!”

You pulled the booklet back to take a better look. On the top of the page was a picture of five boys. They seemed to be on a bus of some sort you realized as Maggie pointed to the boy with the beanie in the far left of the photo. “That’s my future husband, isn’t he just dreamy?”

The girls around you giggled like all tweens would while looking at their celebrity crushes. Some exclaimed their love for other members like ‘Niall’ or ‘Louis and Liam’.

“Who’s that one?”

You drew your finger to the last member on the right, “That’s Harry Styles—“ “ The love of my life!” Your friend Bernice shouted—“He’s the youngest member and a total heartthrob as well!” Maggie laughed, throwing her hand out to poke Bernice in a teasing manner.

The photo had just been various shades of grey for you, nothing surprising. Plus, Claire’s was a mainly ‘pink store’ you’ve heard it been called by parents so it wasn’t until your group of friends walked through the food court and past the Dillard’s sign did you realized something major had changed.

You could see blue.

purple - the first time you hear them

A few months after your mall surprise, a school assembly had been called. You and a couple friends from math were walking together to the gymnasium for the pep rally being held to cheer on your band going to competition and briefly update students on what’s new. You had grown to love blue and always wore monotone outfits of various shades of the color but who could blame you? It was your FIRST color! The moment you saw the Dillard’s sign, you flipped.

You and your friends screamed and jumped around you in the middle of the mall which may have looked a bit funny to any bystanders, but then you suddenly all stopped and had the same realization— your soulmate must be somewhere in the mall!

Y’all searched for hours until coming to the conclusion that they must have left some time ago, but it still gave you hope that they must live in the area! You lived in Austin, Texas, and sure there was a slim chance that your soulmate could have been a tourist, but right in the middle of March? Not likely.

Unless they were here for SXSW, well then you were screwed.

“I see a couple of open bleachers over there.” One of your friends pointed out and you started to weave your way through the loud and crazy mess that was your school. A song started over the speakers and screams erupted from your fellow classmates.

You’re insecure

Don’t know what for

“What’s up with everyone?” You yelled to Anika as people belted out the lyrics to the specific song with more enthusiasm than you’d ever seen from the student body. “It’s a new song that just got released by that band from the UK! South Direct or something like that?”

Being the way that you are is enough

Your eyes lit up with recognition, “Oh, One Direction?”

Everyone else in the room can see it

Everyone else but you

Anika nodded and opened her mouth to say something more but the school somehow managed to get louder as they screamed the chorus to the song.

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed

But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell

You don’t know

Oh, oh

You don’t know you’re beautiful

You laughed at the scene before you and bobbed your head along with the song. As it came to a close you chatted with your friends while waiting for the principle to come out and give her introduction speech for the student and faculty. What you didn’t expect was to see her in an entirely different color than grey or blue.

It was purple.

Your eyes bulged out of your head as you whipped you head back up the bleachers on each side of you, desperate to see someone that had the same reaction as you to her dress.

You had heard your soulmate, and they had to be in this room.

yellow - the first time you hear them laugh

Yellow is an odd one for sure, any type of laugh, giggle, chuckle, snicker, or guffaw could spark this shade to life for you.

You were a junior in high school, studying in the library during you break period. You had kind of given up on the whole soulmate thing when your extensive research in middle school bore no results.

The minute the fateful assembly had been over, you raced home and looked through the yearbook for hours, trying to see if fate would show you your soulmate again. At school the next day you made sure you laughed, made eye-contact, brushed up against or touched in some way with EVERYONE you came in contact with.

You thought maybe they had missed picture day and so that should make it easier to pick them out, right? Wrong.

After the school year ended, you sort of stopped caring about the whole ordeal and had a strange resentment for the retched boyband that had given you another color to haunt you every day. As the group blew up, you avoided them at every turn, declining invitations to see their concert when they came to Dallas, instead choosing to listen to original movie scores and orchestra recordings, and Disney.

LOT’S of Disney.

You watched your friend bump into their soulmate at ACL, or heard them while tanning at Barton Springs, but never anything for you. You guessed that your soulmate must have moved right after the assembly or changed schools and that these were going to be the only colors you saw for the rest of your life.

I mean, sure, you could try one of the ‘soulmate finder’ apps, but in all honestly, they creeped you out and didn’t seem 100% certified. Who wants to record themselves laughing at a camera while wearing as much yellow as possible somewhere with blue and purple all around them?

When Etude No. 5 started to die out as the battery life in your headphones dropped to zero, you mumbled a quiet “fuck” and started digging through your backpack for the travel charge box you kept with you. That’s when you heard it.

Through the quiet brushes of flipped pages keyboard tunes, and scribbled lead, you heard a little laugh and some chatter come from the computer section that was only divided from you by a long bookshelf. You strained your ears to listen to what sounded like, an interview? From a computer? You shook your head, whatever it is it’s not like it matters, the librarian should come to force whoever it is to turn the volume down, and it probably won’t distract you from finishing your essay.

Roughly an hour later, you’ve completed your lovely paper on how things would have been different if women had been given more positions of power long ago (coughsexismcough) and slip on your aviator shades.

Your parents had given them to you as a birthday present freshman year, they were tinted blue so everything you looked at was, well, blue. You loved them and wore them all the time. It’s silly but they made you feel cool. You packed up and left the library as the school bell rang to end that day of class.

Only when you got home did you practically choke on the goldfish you’d not-so-graciously shoved in your mouth when you saw that your mother’s flower vase was filled with sunflowers.

Very yellow sunflowers.

“Fuck.” Was all you could say as you grabbed the whole carton of goldfish and went to your room.

green - the first time you dream of them

This color comes to many within the first few months they learn about the concept of having a soulmate. Little kids restless in their tiny racecar beds, thinking about the person that is meant for them. Often times, said children wake up to see the vibrant green leaves on the tree outside their bedroom window waving hello to them as the race off of to tell their parents about the dream they just had. The Dream.

Your friends all were able to see green by the time junior high was ending. It was a little disappointing to be the odd one out when they would make green friendship bracelets that of course you had but couldn’t see the happy color it produced, only the shade of grey over it.

You yourself were surprised when you didn’t have a dream of them the night after you saw blue, you guessed that maybe your mind had been so caught up on finding the person that it didn’t take a moment to actually think about what they would be like.

How they might react to one of your dad jokes that you take the liberty to present in a dramatic way, if they snore or not after a long day of work, or how they make their tea.

This is why it was a surprise you woke up one lovely summer day before your senior year to see that your journal was actually a lovely lime green with tiny lemons scattered on the cover, not red like you originally had guessed.

Your dream wasn’t anything defining of the person. In rare cases, people were able to see fragments of their soulmates while in dreams, but that was only one in a million, and no, yours didn’t magically let you see the person or where they lived but just connected the pieces of your first color moments.

The blue Dillard’s logo standing out to you in the mall.

Your school jamming out to music and the surprising appearance of the purple dress.

And— the laugh at the library.

Wait, hold on, the laugh from the computer at the library?! You fell back on your navy sheet cover pillow grasping your hair. How on earth was that the defining laugh? You had always assumed afterward that you must have heard it on your way out through the crowded foyer at school or when you had the windows down and you drove through your neighborhood.

“Well isn’t this perfect.” You mumbled to yourself as you climbed out of bed, noticing every piece of green that was spotted in your room. Your favorite sweater was jade, the mismatched sock you had put on last night with a blue one an emerald green. The family picture frame on the wall in the hallway a simple Olive.

Maybe the biggest surprise to you was that your old and ‘most comfortable recliner in all the world’ was a horrendous Feldgrau. Your parents found out you had finally achieved earth’s pigmentation when you came into the living room exclaiming, “Oh my god, how have we not gotten rid of this thing yet?! That color is disgusting!”

red - the first time you make eye-contact

This shade could sometimes be the first color a person sees or maybe the last, or not at all for those with blind partners. All your friends said it was an out of body experience, it’s not just seeing the shade of red but the connection between you and your soulmate just feels like electricity is shot into your veins and it’s hard to control your breathing in the moment because it’s so powerful.

Today was a lovely October day in the great Lone Star State and you were visiting a friend who was studying biophysics at UT.

“Y/N girl it’s been ages since I saw you! How’s the semester treating you?”

Danica asked you as you both sat on her sofa in her small apartment next to campus. She was a junior this year and used to live in your neighborhood, you had been friends for what seemed an eternity. She was smart as a whip and made everything seem brighter, she had short red hair and two freckles underneath her left eye that you had always admired.

“Everything’s well, I graduated early so now I’m taking college classes through community college until next year. Economics is kicking my butt though.” You state with a smile, taking the cup of Earl Grey that had been cooling in front of you.

Dan twiddled with her thumbs and mumbled something to you when you put down the teacup. You rolled your eyes, “Come on Danny, spit it out!” The girl next to you took a few moments as it seemed like she was having a debate with herself.

“Will you come to a concert with me?!” She finally blurted out. “I know it’s last-minute but everyone else seems to be only studying and I need my part wing woman!”

You laughed, Danica had always been a spontaneous chick, ready to do anything right in a second. You loved her for it and it took you to some very interesting places and events, plus lot’s of concerts.

Eyeing the crazy red-head who now had her head in your lap, you asked, “Who’s playing at the concert?”

She smiled sheepishly up at you, “Harry Styles…”

You dropped your head back on the couch behind you and groaned, looking up at her stuccoed ceiling. Dan jumped up from her position and propped up over you. “Please! I know you’ve got some weird vengeance against the band he used to be in but can you give him a chance to redeem just himself?” You blew a raspberry as she looked down from over you with sad puppy eyes.

“Fine!” You whine, admitting defeat where it was needed. She squealed and dropped down to straddle you for a hug, knocking the air out of your lungs at the same time she squeezed the life out of you while shouting, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!”

Danica popped off you and raced to her room, you stood up and followed the ecstatic girl to her sleeping quarters. A shirt flew out of the doorway that you managed to snatch from the air as you entered the doorway. “What on earth are you doing Dan?” You questioned with a smirk, leaning up against the wooden frame.

She threw a dazzling smile at you, “WE need to look our best for this concert and that means dressing up! Our soulmate could be there for all we know and this is the defining moment to show off if we’ll be just platonic soulmates or romantic soulmates.”

The two of you ended up going through her whole closet but eventually came down to the perfect outfits. Danica decided to go for a set of black skinny jeans, blue blowy tank top and some wedges that she swore were “the most comfortable heel in all creation”.

After a bit of debate, you decided to go for a pink skater dress, with black velvet strap ankle heels that you most definitely put gel pads into (lmao they are literally life savors). You couldn’t see the pink but you both always loved the specific shade of grey pink usually was so you went with it.

You both did your favorite makeup and took a bunch of photos in the wall mirror Danica had out in the living room before eating and grabbing a Lyft to the Moody Theater. On the ride there Dan talked about how she had won the tickets in a raffle that she had called drunk a few months ago and forgot about till she received the tickets in the mail a few days ago. You both walked arm in arm into the theatre, showing your tickets to the scanner.

“Excuse me! ‘scuse me, sorry about that!” Danica chirped as she practically dragged you to the front of the standing crowd, you couldn’t believe how close the stage was, and surprising how low it was too. Usually, when you would go to a concert with her, the stage was almost five feet high, but the ACL Live one was only about three, making it seem cozier or more connected with the audience and performer.

When the lights went down in the audience and the stage lights shined back up at you, it was amazing.

The overhead lights cast down on the first few rows of people crammed around the stage and it was so surreal. Save for those few dozen people, you couldn’t really see anything behind them except for a couple of phone lights and the silhouettes of bodies anxiously awaiting the arrival of Mr. Harry Styles.

“I love his new album, Fine Line, it makes me cry every time I get to the end of the track!” Dan said to you while bouncing up and down ready to jam.

You smiled and gave her a big hug, “Well here you are up and in person with the man that sings to you every night.” She sighed, “I wish he could just be my soulmate, I mean we’re practically made for each other!”

You both laughed but were overtaken by screams as a man walked out wearing a different shade of grey, white pants, and black boots. On his hands were the signature rings of his initials as well as blue and yellow-painted nails.

He struck a pose that slightly confused you but when Dan lost her mind with the rest of the crowd, you went along with it and clapped too.

What do you mean?

I’m sorry by the way

Never coming back down

Your eyes widened a bit as you actually knew the song, “I’ve heard this on the radio countless times!” you shout to Dan who gives you a thumbs up.

Can’t you see?

I could, but wouldn’t stay

Wouldn’t put it like that

What do you mean?

I’m sorry by the way

Never coming around

Be so sweet if things just stayed the same

(La-da-da-da-da)

It was strange really, it seemed like the blue you once knew as a lightly mellow pastel turned very bright and sharp, the backset lights flickering between shades of blue you’d never noticed before.

Huh? You scanned the crowd that was lit in front a bit, seeing if there could be a slim chance that the missing piece of your life puzzle could be here.

All the lights couldn’t put out the dark

Runnin’ through my heart

Lights up and they know who you are

Know who you are

Do you know who you are?

Shine, step into the light

Shine, so bright sometimes

Shine, I’m not ever going back

You closed your eyes and shook your head, looking back up at the man with suspenders before you. The song comes to a close and the audience erupts in applause and cheers.

“Hello Austin! ’s wonderful to meet ‘ye here, ‘m Harry.”

Purple lights flood the crowd and you cheer with the crowd, throwing a ‘hello!’ into your welcome cry.

Strangely, the musician seems to catch something in the crowd as his eyes get big and glance over the whole auditorium. Harry seems to snap out of it and you think nothing of it as he finishes the introduction and goes through a couple more songs.

He sings Watermelon Sugar, (which gets a few moans out of Danica) Canyon Moon, and then Adore You. After the final verses from the song, he takes a swig of water and a moment to chat with the crowd.

“Texas is somthin’ id’n’t ?” Well, that got the crowd going. Telling a bunch of Texans that their state is pretty cool? That will get them riled up. He continues, “It’s such a big state! My whole birth country could fit in ‘ere with room to spare!”

He grabs his guitar and starts to strum a bit on it. He looks down and says into the mic, almost like he was bashful to tell a certain secret.

“This next song I’m gonna play for you I wrote… about a certain someone.”

Shouts were thrown at the stage faster than bras during Kiwi, most of them consisting of ‘Soulmate!’ The British man definitely heard them as a small smile graced his face.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before throwing his arms out and stating, “I’ve never told the story behind this song so why don’t I do it deep in the heart of Texas?”

Crowds. Loud. (You get the point.) Dan basically was squeezing the life out of your arm she was so excited him he said that.

“This song is about, a person that is constantly on my mind, for those of you that don’t know through the deep dark web—” a couple chuckles fill the air “— I am one of the lucky people that can dream sort of ‘bout their soulmate.” This got some gasps in the audience, but surprisingly stayed quiet, hanging off his every word. “I see them, in flashes, and there’s such a strong connection it’s sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning.” He cleared his throat as though taking a moment before stepping off a cliff.

“I wrote this song, so hopefully I find her. Here’s She.”

The audience ate it up as the intro started, all excited to hear his song now with the new knowledge.

Nine in the morning

The man drops his kids off at school

And he’s thinking of you

Like all of us do

Sends his assistant for coffee in the afternoon

Around 1:32

Like he knows what to do

The crowd is enraptured with the performance, swaying and singing along. But you just stand there as you try and decipher the emotions running through you. It’s unlike anything you’ve felt before. Maybe the gravity of his song weighs on you more than you realize.

She (she)

She lives in daydreams with me (she)

She’s the first one that I see

And I don’t know why

I don’t know who she is (she, she)

He scans the crowd, just the tops of heads. It’s hard to make eye-contact when singing the song cause it evokes so much emotion. But as he turns around to glance at his bandmates during a small pause between verses, he’s blown away at the sight of blue lighting the wall behind him.

You watch as he turns back around frantically scanning on the opposite side of the crowd you’re on before closing his eyes and singing a few more verses of the song.

Lives for the memory

A woman who’s just in his head (just in his head)

And she sleeps in his bed (his bed)

While he plays pretend (pretend)

So pretend (pretend)

You decide to copy him and just move your body to the rhythm of the song, letting it flow through you like you’ve never let a melody do before.

She (she)

She lives in daydreams with me (she)

She’s the first one that I see

And I don’t know why

I don’t know who she is (she, she)

She (she)

She’s the first one that I see (she)

She lives in daydreams with me

And I don’t know why

I don’t know where she is (she, she)

As he finishes the last verse, he walks while playing around the stage and dances with the other guitar solo that plays on. He dancewalks the edge of the stage looking at all the people in the audience, some reach out to him, others have cell phones pointed up, and some just smile.

Then he starts coming closer to where you and Danica are standing. You look over to see her buzzing like a hummingbird and laugh. The lights in the crowd flood yellow as a strong chord is hit on the guitar and Harry is immediately looking over to your area. His behavior piques your interest but nevertheless you focus back on Dan who looks like he’s made eye-contact with.

Harry knees down to her as she almost faints from the closeness in proximity to her.

“Wha’s your name love?” She squeaks and says, “Danica!” You chuckle at her response and turn to look at the man who’s still crouched down by you.

That’s when you make eye-contact.

You’d been told stories and secondhand experiences about the moment you finally see your soulmate fully and your wonders never amounted to this moment. It was as though everyone else had disappeared and the only people that existed were you two. You felt like a bolt of lightning had struck you in your spot. Your lungs were heavy to breathe with and only when you both snapped out of your small trance did you take a deep breath.

You faintly smile and let out a sigh. Finally. You glanced down to his shirt when your peripheral vision caught sight of something new.

“Nice shirt ya got there. I love the suspenders too.” His eyes crinkled from his smile at your comment.

“Quiet a lov’ly dress I see you wearing.” You look down to see that ironically, you both are matching in fuchsia attire.

You look back up at the man who has now stood and is realizing the song has ended but really REALLY doesn’t want to leave the spot he’s in.

You nod toward the microphone that was waiting for him in the mic stand. He smiles and with a bit of spring in his step, he walks back over and turns to his bandmates to chat for a second.

“What the fuck.”

Oh right, Dan is here. Along with lots of people around them. You look quickly to your left and right and breathe thankfully as it seemed the people around you were too drunk to care and luckily didn’t seem to be recording.

But Danica was there, and she was gobsmacked.

You grin at her and shrug your shoulders. It takes a moment of just staring at you dumbfoundedly before she socks you on the arm and shouts, “I can’t believe you had a vendetta against your soulmate’s band!”

orange - the first time you touch time

The concert ends, very well and happily. His encore was fantastic and you definitely noticed as few hip moves thrown your way when he sang Kiwi at the end. You honestly don’t know what to do when a bright white light washes over the room to let people trickle out and go home.

You walk with Dan to the side of the stage where a security guard was stationed by a small door that most likely led to the stage. You turned to Dan right before you went up to the beefy guy with a taser, “What in the world am I supposed to say?! I can’t outright say, ‘hey I’m Harry’s soulmate, he just met at the concert and I wanted to get backstage’ now can I?!”

The security guard seems to have noticed both of you now since you’re dressed in a bright pink dress you now realize and are kinda failing around. Basically a giant pink target. You know you’re done for when he opens the gate and is walking to the crowd arena you’re in but then, a flash was pink and white flies through the stage door and past the guard. You hear several people shouting from whatever corridor the door is connected to as you’re picked up and swung around.

You cling to the person holding you as you take a deep breath of their cologne, it’s warm vanilla. You open your eyes and gasp as you see the Longhorn’s banner standing out in bright burnt orange block letters. You’re finally set down and you’re able to see him clearly for the first time without stage lights and 3 feet of space between you.

“My name is Y/N.”

Harry smiles and laughs, “ello’ soulmate, I’m so happy to find you.”

You tuck your face into his chest, not caring that he was pretty sweaty after a full concert, hell you probably are too. “Thank you for the song,” you say when you look back up at him, “it’s wonderful.”

“Oh, I’ve got plenty more for you love.”

<3

[jack-andthestalk]

Our Son, Arc II, Unreachable Chapter 13.

With thanks to @balfeheughlywed she has the patience of a saint. @notevenjokingfic for allowing me to test her patience and @ladyviolethummingbird for explaining her confusion. These gals rock. I want to thank @missclairebelle because she helped me plot some of what is about to unfold here at the very beginning of this Arc. Thank you to you all for continuing to read, love the anons, still haven't got through them all. The reaction this story creates blows me away. 

Jamie's monosyllabic voice recording answered. "Hi, this is Jamie, leave a message after the beep.”

Plummeting my heart into my shoes. Again. 

 Where are you?

  ____

Willie wriggled impatiently within my grasp bringing my attention back to him.

“dinna hold my hand mama! We’re past the gate.” He rolled his eyes dramatically, cheeks burning the same crimson Jamie’s did when he was embarrassed.

 With one final tug, he broke free and ran up the school path. "What about my kiss?" I shouted after him, prodding myself in the cheek and pouting my lips slightly. Willie rolled his eyes for a second time but dutifully ran back and kissed me quickly.

“See ye later mama” he bellowed as he pushed the school door open and let it bang noisily behind him. I tutted in my mind as I saw him drag his bag haphazardly behind him down the glass corridor.

 Glancing back down at my phone I willed it to ring. It had been three days since the book arrived and after foolishly waiting until the next day to contact Jamie for fear I would draw attention to him.  I tried his number with all attempts to reach him falling flat.   My chest felt bruised from the hard thrum of my heart against it, persistent and unusually fast. It was so unlike him.

 Since our return to Boston, Jamie had phoned religiously. I had only taken his call on the first occasion and passed the phone to Willie for all the others.

 I walked quickly back to the house, I still had a few hours before my shift at the hospital.

 My mind raced with possibilities of why he had turned his phone off, what had caused him to stop ringing Willie? No matter what had happened since our return to Scotland Jamie had rung consistently. A guilty feeling tugged at my insides. Maybe if I had taken his calls, instead of fobbing the phone on to Willie, I might have some idea where he was, what was happening. I should have trusted him. The other part of my brain tried to comfort me, you couldn’t have known, he didn’t tell you.

 I hadn't planned on ignoring him as I had; the first call once we returned had thrown me. I expected something totally different from him, needed it. Instead, he had turned everything on its head and left me reeling.  

 The idea of Jamie with Geneva was hurtful; beyond hurtful given what she had conspired to do to our family but even after Dougal confirmed it. Something inside of me kept a glimmer of hope, or maybe something more akin to trust that Jamie wouldn't do that. He was honorable, not just with me, with his family, his friends. Apart from getting with me at Jenny’s wedding, he had never appeared to be a man that would cheat and to cheat so blatantly.

 Even then he had ended things with Laoghaire before we slept together. It was no excuse, but there was a pull between us, a pull so strong I would have done the same in his shoes had our roles been reversed, no man would keep me from Jamie, and a voice inside my head was telling me that no woman would keep me from him.

 So when he phoned on our first evening back in Boston, I had imagined for him to have a reason, an excuse. I hadn’t predicted the vagueness on the other end of the phone. There was no doubt about his nerves, his voice was clearly shaking, but he lacked any words to tell me what the hell was happening there, never mind what was happening with Geneva Dunsany.  

 The tremor in his voice should have told me he wanted to say more than he did, but I was so angry, so much had happened in forty-eight hours. I didn’t hear what I should have.

 “Ye went back early”, he had said cautiously.

 It hadn’t been what I was expecting. My mouth incapable of speech had hung agape as  I stood in my kitchen, clenching the hem of my sweater with such vigour I thought it might rip.

 He took my silence for what it was and began to speak again.

 “Jenny told me.”

 I presumed he meant Jenny had told him I had gone back to Boston early.

 He cleared his throat and hesitantly, all most painfully said “Claire –”

 I had waited, holding out for something, words of comfort anything that would ease the ache in my chest at what I had been led to believe about him and Geneva.

 Jenny had told him, he knew what I believed or was led to, he knew the pain and humiliation I had felt since she had answered his phone and laughed seductively, before telling me that Jamie couldn’t come to the phone.

 If she could have conjured up an image and hurled it down the line to me that night it would have been her curled around his hips, holding his phone in the air while she threw her head back and laughed at my stupidity.

 I had gone to bed that night in a mixture of alcohol, rage and broken-hearted tears. In the morning I had stilled my mind and my heart and told myself that Geneva Dunsany was capable of these types of games and so much more, promising myself that Jamie would have an explanation.

 Jenny had arrived with coffee and pancakes from Ellen, and reassured me as only she could that Geneva was a desperate slapper and “Jamie wouldna risk the clap to lie with her.”

 I snorted into my coffee, my heart slowly unwinding to its normal rhythm when she took my hand and said: "honestly Claire, Jamie is too in love with ye to want another woman, its nay true and he will tell ye."

 Later on, showered and ready for the day I was wrestling with Willie to dress him when Dougal Mc Kenzie had knocked on my door. “A word lass?” was all he had said before barging past me.

 Shooting me his most sympathetic smile and telling me clearly and without preamble that Geneva had phoned him to tell him of my late night call.

 “How truly sorry she was that ye should find out in such a way. She and Jamie would never want to hurt ye.”

 Shoulders straight and head held high. I had merely asked him to leave before emptying the contents of my stomach down the toilet.

  Twenty-four hours later and back in the safety of my galley kitchen in Boston, Jamie’s name flashing on my screen with the same urgency that would draw me to answer it without hesitation, without a conscious thought but the need to hear him tell me it wasn’t true. I wanted to curl into the shelter of his shoulder and have him tell me there was no one but me, that Geneva Dunsany had robbed his phone and Dougal Mc Kenzie had not spoken an honest word in all his life. It hadn’t gone down like that.

 “Claire I – “

 Please make it better.

 “Remember what I asked ye?”

 Was he serious? That just on a whim, on a promise I had made before I heard directly he was sleeping with someone else. He wanted me to honour my promises?

 When he had asked that, I thought he meant trust him not to get arrested, trust him to come back, trust him to love me. God, I didn't think he was asking me to fucking trust him to insanity.

 “Can – you – explain? I had hissed out between gritted teeth.

 A pause that went on too long, because if he could explain this nightmare, he shouldn't need time.

 I heard him take a large intake of breath, and something like a sniff, maybe a sob. I didn't move didn't flinch. Waited with bated breath to hear what he had to say.

 His words were choked with emotion; I didn’t need to see his face to know it was buried into his palm.

 “I – love – you.” He had all but whispered, slow and precise, for a minute I had taken it as a balm before I realised that wasn’t what I asked.

 I had asked him to explain, and he couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

 Loving me wasn’t the issue, had he fucked her?  Could he tell me what the hell was happening?

 “I need more than that Jamie.” My tone did not broker argument; he knew he had one chance before I was gone from this conversation.

 "Right now - I canna say anything other than that Claire." Each word punctuated angrily, and his breath was brimming with frustration.

 I had said nothing other than “I will put Willie on; I have nothing more to say.”

 ____

 That had been seven weeks ago, I refused each and every one of his calls, handing the phone to our son. Willie blurting out the highlights of his day, ranging from “and then Johnny said let’s put a straw in the milk – " to "I dinna like Julie sitting beside me Da, she smells like flowers it makes me sneeze." I had no idea what Jamie advised on his end, and I tried to walk into another room. This way it would be easier. Each evening Willie returned the phone with the same message. "Da says he loves ye.”

 Up until the book arriving I would grind my teeth or clench my fingernails into my palm to stop myself retorting "tell your father I said to fuck right off." I never would but the fear of it blurting out of my hot-tempered mouth was a risk I had to prepare for.

 Now I would give anything to have him ring, wanting to know he was ok, that I believed him, that I loved him too.

  After dropping Willie to school and safely ensconced inside my living room I was desperate for any information I could find on Hellwater, anything that might fill in the gaps of what Jamie was doing. Sitting bow legged on my living room floor, laptop cradled precariously between my legs, I typed in Hellwater and almost held my breath as I waited on the page to populate with search results.

Nothing glaringly criminal jumped out at me, Hellwater’s official webpage, media articles discussing the estate and its history, and various Olympic games news reports that mentioned Hellwater for training and breeding of horses. I knew from Jenny that some of these high bred horses had originated from Jamie and was the main reason why William Dunsany had been so taken with Jamie.

Below all these articles was one solely focused on Lord William Dunsany himself, again nothing stood out as new information, he had inherited his title, the Dunsany family had held Hellwater estate for generations, and in the past ten years, they had won numerous awards for being the most accomplished equestrian centre in Europe.

Under personal history it listed William Dunsany as married with three children. I knew of only two daughters. Gordon. One son? I hadn’t heard of him. I opened a second tab and typed in the name. The first link that popped up on my screen was an article detailing the death of Gordon Dunsany almost six years ago. The only son of Lord and Lady Ellesmere, died tragically while abroad in Panama. Very little else apart from listing his previous employment as financial controller of Hellwater estates. So Geneva had taken over from her brother?

Typing Geneva's name into the browser was much less satisfying, and certainly no mention of her untimely demise. Instead, it showed a few images of her pictured at some D list royal events, a few polo matches and more recently at a charity gala in aid of injured jockeys.

I noted the date was the same night Dougal Mc Kenzie had come for dinner and subsequently the night I went on to hear her high pitched giggle on Jamie's phone. I searched up all images of the charity gala, but Jamie was either not photographed or didn't attend. He certainly had no word of attending a fundraiser, but he had said so little about what he was doing in Hellwater, him not mentioning it wasn't significant.

The second article in a financial publication mentioned Geneva taking on the position of financial controller at Hellwater; it was dated one year after her brother died. Listing her educational background which all seemed to be science-based. If the article was accurate, she had very little accounting or financial training.

A weird sense of sadness passed over me at the tragedy which had befallen the Dunsany's, leading to Geneva having to leave everything she had pursued to fill her dead brother's shoes. My mind stretched to wonder how a family who had been through such heartache could be so underhanded in their dealings with Jamie, knowing it separated him from his family.

I was just about to close the article down when I noticed a third link detailing the recent upsurgence in Hellwater business ranking. It also consisted of a paragraph with information on the new state of the art, equestrian centre that would commence construction this year with a budget of over 10 million sterling at its disposal.

A sprig of jealousy tightened over my heart as it occurred to me that I had wholly underestimated Geneva Dunsany in terms of her ability within her job and also in her want of Jamie.

My phone vibrated on the floor beside me, and I almost keeled over in my haste to answer it. My heart sank when I saw Jenny’s name flash up on my screen.

"Hi, Jen," I said feigning brightness. I knew how worried the Frasers had been about Jamie, I couldn’t even attempt or want to tell them what I had discovered in the past three days. Brian would be back in ICU and Jamie would never forgive himself.

“Claire – “

She sounded like she had been running. “Are you alright Jenny, what’s wrong?”

“Oh my god” –  she said more urgently than I had ever heard her speak – “ have ye seen any UK news?"

I scrunched my nose up in confusion before she all but shouted.

 “Turn on yer UK news!" I hastily scrambled across the floor to my TV, fingers slipping as I tried to think of a channel that had good coverage of British news reports, settling on BBC news and waiting for the screen to adjust.

My eyes blinked, once and then again as I made sure it was Hellwater grounds I was staring at. Two uniformed officers standing guard outside the main gates, one talking casually into their radio transceiver.

A red banner at the bottom of the screen read. Lord William Dunsany and his daughter Geneva Dunsany have been arrested in an early dawn raid at their Hellwater estate, this morning.

A bead of sweat ran down my neck as I waited for the news banner to update.

Lord Dunsany and his daughter have been charged under the Police and Criminal Evidence Act and were under investigation by HM Revenue and Customs Police and Criminal Evidence team.

Suddenly the picture above the banner changed, and Geneva Dunsany appeared on the screen handcuffed and been led from her home by several plain closed policemen.Her father following closely behind her.

Her head bowed to hide her face as she was guided through a maze of photographers and television crews.

A report stood in front of the Hellwater estate, holding a finger to her ear in anticipation of a question from the news-desk. Her British accent was bright and chirpy as she detailed the little information that could be released at this time.

The arrest is said to be in connection with one of the largest tax fraud cases the HMRC has investigated in recent years. Both intrusive surveillance and property surveillance had been practiced under the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000, and it is believed the Dunsany’s have been under investigation by the HMRC for some time. The Dunsany family have declined to comment at this stage.

My legs gave way, and I fell back awkwardly against the couch. I could still hear Jenny's voice asking if I was there from the phone on the floor.

[atopearth]

The Legend of Dragoon Part 4 - Moon and Fate

It's the final chapter!! It's definitely going to be a blast like the others, I'm kinda sad it's going to end😭 Woww, I can't believe Miranda hit Rose, that was so rude. She didn't need to take what Rose said so personally honestly, because it's obvious that Rose is heartbroken, confused and doesn't know what to do right now. I'm sure she's the one that wants to lash out the most yet she's holding it in! What right does Miranda have to hit her? Anyway, Death Frontier is such a nice place to train! I don't even need to run around for monsters because they jump on you instead! Now I can take everyone to Dragoon level 5~🥰 Death Frontier is a pretty annoying place though, I'm glad I just used a map online lol. Anyway, so the Ulara Wingly Forest are the ones who made a choker for Rose that made her time stand still for all these years in order to fulfill her mission.. Honestly though, I think if the Black Monster was someone Dart didn't know, I'm not sure if he would be able to come to terms with it so fast, but I guess it's a good thing that it was Rose because it made him understand her burdens better and how much it hurt her to have to do it for so many years just to protect this world. Ohh, so Charle Frahma who made the choker for Rose is the older sister of Melbu who was the leader of the Winglies. Zieg killed Melbu during the Dragon Campaign, but apparently there is another person named Faust who led the Winglies too. This name was mentioned somewhere else for a side quest I think? Hmm, even though Faust was Melbu's right hand man, he was wary of him due to his enormous magical power and how he was able to make an apparition of himself that had similar powers, so he somehow made(?) a Vanishing Stone that could make the apparition disappear just in case he ever needed it. Faust controlled the Tower of Flanvel that killed other species hmm, but it was shot down by a human contraption, the Spear Shooter, so now it's under the glacier huh? And I assume if they think he was dead after that, it probably either means he's still alive hiding there or his apparition still remains there to this day... So, even though there used to be five towers of Signet Spheres to be broken, now there are only three and that's why Zieg needed three Divine Moon Objects to break them and get access to the Moon That Never Sets. Ohhh, so that weird place in the Crystal Palace at Deningrad was actually a Signet Sphere! It was broken by the Divine Dragon! Guess it was meant to be... But I guess the Divine Moon Objects really are as simple as they are, they really are just items with enough amount of magical power to break the Signets. I see, Melbu and Charle both wanted different things, he wanted to rule and dominate whereas Charle wanted everyone to be free and at peace. She made the Signet Spheres to restrain the power of the Crystal Sphere, but Melbu realised her plan and so made the Divine Moon Objects to counteract them. So, Rose and Dart did resolve their "differences" with a fight at Death Frontier before coming to Ulara. She accepted death, but Dart told her that the Black Monster was dead, and that they were only left with a companion that was going on the same road as them. That was really kind of him to say tbh. I'm happy he told her that she's no longer alone and has companions now. Rose can rely on others now without carrying the weight of everything by herself🥺 I think it's kinda interesting how for a city that makes anything and anyone inside it immortal, there are so less...facilities, but there is a bar. They understand how immortality brings unhappiness and so they have a bar for Winglies to drink away the pain of immortality and yet no one chooses to step outside of this place to live a limited but possibly happier life. It's just... interesting to think about tbh. It was nice to stay the night in Ulara and look for our party. It's been a long time since we got to really interact with them considering how most of it has just been plot stuff, so it was nice to be reminded of all their respective reasons for going on this journey and for continuing it to the end.

After treading through the Home of Gigantos back to the Twin Castle of Fletz, it was nice to just be able to ride the ship to Rouge (Haschel's hometown) haha. On another note, we finally get to know who Princess Lisa has been admiring with her telescope all this time!! I should have known I guess, because just like Princess Lisa, Nello was the first one I talked to and I was so happy for him because he's finally succeeded in growing greens on barren land, so he hopes to be able to make the whole Barrens into a place of green. It's still hilarious that Princess Lisa was stalking Nello with a telescope this whole time though hahaha. It was also nice to take Albert to Princess Emille so he can have a proper farewell with her. I think it was really sweet how he shared his fears with her and she accepted it wholeheartedly and wished for his safety. It was sad that she couldn't find it within her to send him off because she knew she would plead for him to stay if she did, so it's understandable. I hope they get a happy ending later on. Wow, there were so many Wingly cities and they were so organised about everything?! They had the birth city where they only allowed selected babies with strong magical power to live, they had the death city for where all the "deaths" went, the magical city to research magic and the law city to like govern and rule with their justice system in a sense. Lmao at the Mayor of Rouge's description of a random stick in the water, I honestly thought it was a stick but it's literally a tower hahahaha. It's definitely one of the cities with a Signet hahaha. On another note, I see, Martel was gathering stardust to save her daughter and to wish for happiness for her after her coma. I think it was really sweet how the stardust we gathered for her made her daughter wake up, but the daughter told her that having her mum and baby brother with her was happiness already, so she didn't understand why some lady told her she would be granted happiness in her dream hahaha. She's a wonderful daughter. Omg though, to think that the last prize of the stardust would be the Vanishing Stone! Isn't that the thing that will make Faust's apparition disappear? I guess this is important for a side quest then... Ohh wow, it was so cool when the sea split and a path was made to the Magical City of Aglis! I guess someone has been there all these years?? It's kinda amazing how Savan has been here by himself for thousands of years just waiting for Rose. Initially, he researched magic hoping to revive a world where Winglies ruled, but after watching over the world through his mirror, he realised that wasn't needed. But, when Rose appeared, he found a new meaning to his research in saving the world etc by seeing her courage and endurance, he then made the Psychedelic Bomb and Moot, where the former has lots of magical power and the latter can probably seal the Moon That Never Sets? I like the individual challenges of courage each character had to go through in order to activate the Psychedelic Bomb and make it more powerful. Seeing Kongol face head on with Emperor Doel and believe in his friends now was really nice, he isn't estranged by his past where he was alone fighting for the dream of every species being equal through violence, he is now fighting for it with his friends and the people that helped them come here to save the world. I think Albert's one was really fitting. Like, it was obvious that he needed to stay here and prioritise his duties as a Dragoon before a king, but I think it was something hard for him to choose, because as a king, he has to carry the responsibility that he is on this journey and not protecting Serdio. I think it was nice to see how much Bardel's little sister's death actually weighed on Meru, but also how she needed to overcome that to have the courage to continue on this journey to save the world. I also liked Haschel's one where he needed to accept the past that he wasn't able to stop Claire from leaving. It's hard to face, but it's true. I think Rose not needing a choice was perfect for her. She has already come to terms with what she must do to continue her journey and will not waver, so it was unnecessary for her to even hesitate, and I really liked that. And, as expected, Dart's one was related to choosing to save Shana no matter what. Courage to love but also to save the world, from the moment he went on his journey, he already possessed such courage (as expected of the protagonist haha). It's kinda cool how the Psychedelic Bomb is actually an item you can use in battle! It's also repeatable, nice! As expected, Zieg was able to manipulate the Last Kraken (guardian of the Moot) and I guess now our hope of sealing the Moon That Never Sets is gone... I feel so bad that Savan ended up dying alongside the Signet Sphere and Moot... I didn't think the Dragoons could create such a reaction against the Signet Sphere... It was nice that the magical creatures and Savan prepared for Dart and them to be teleported to Zenebatos before they died. They may have perished but at least they did their best for the future they believed in... Anyway, now that we have Coolon, the wings that Savan provided for us to fly back to previous cities, it's a bit easier to access side quests! Still have to run through annoying places midway zzzz but I guess it's a tiny bit more convenient lol.

Time for side quests! It's kinda silly but it took me until we got to Vellweb to realise that Shirley was the White Silver Dragoon from the Dragon Campaign that we saw in Rose's memories. To be fair, Shirley as a ghost doesn't look as radiant as before so it took me a while okay?! Haha, anyway, I'm glad that even though Shirley isn't able to take the other four Dragoons to rest, she at least had the time to ask Rose to help them. I see, the reason why Syuveil (Jade Dragoon) can't rest is because after researching life and death his whole life, he realised the darkness of the world where death lies and fears going there... I guess ignorance really is bliss... Rose's words giving Syuveil hope that life is just a great wheel where you cycle through life and death may give him the hope that he can experience the warmth of life again, and I hope he does. But whatever is awaiting him, he may be able to face it better now. Omgg, Damia (Sea Dragoon) was only 15 when she died!! That's so terrible... I mean, sure she had special powers due to being half human and half mermaid, but in the end, the fact that she stayed here all this time because she didn't want to go to the after world alone really shows how much of a kid she still was and how scared she must have been... I guess it's nice that at least the other Dragoons will join her... Ooh yeah, Belzac (Golden Dragoon) was the one who was trying his best to protect Shirley but they both ended up dying... It's pretty sad though, it's kinda like how Zieg did his best to protect Rose, and at least he succeeded... It was kind of unexpected that Kanzas (Violet Dragoon) was a man that killed many and kinda had memento dolls for every kill, yet somehow Shirley's nobleness was what attracted him into joining the Dragon Campaign and hoping to find a "brighter place" by fighting with them instead of just killing without any other meaning to his life. I guess Shirley really must have been a beautiful soul to attract so many people haha. It's rather saddening to see Rose's memories when she goes to Fort Magrad, because the Zieg there says that even if one of them dies, their affection will last forever. For Rose, it really did, but for Zieg, is that really true? Otherwise, it's nice to see the place where Diaz rallied up the humans and the the Dragoons to win back their freedom from the Winglies. The Polter Armour was much easier than the Dragoons though! You just need a Talisman to keep things less annoying and then just heal as needed lol. The Dragoons did much crazier damage and their skill animations took so long haha. As for the Magician Faust, I'm pretty glad I got the Legend Casque (I spent a lot of time farming those robots for money with Miranda loll) for my team because his magic counters and his amount of turns are pretty dangerous lol, he would have done so much damage if I didn't have them! I would have had to heal every turn I think lol. Otherwise, it's kinda crazy that he's been plotting world domination in this hole for 10,000 years, like, does it take that long to try and mobilise his Flanvel Tower again? 

Anyway, Zenebatos is an interesting place. I found it funny how you can change the law! And lol, I checked out getting arrested and being sent to the prison for fun, and lolll, Kongol saves Dart and them because he was too heavy for them to teleport him straight to the prison hahaha. It was annoying how you had to do the whole process again to go to the Death City Mayfil though😭 The Wingly battle music gets so repetitive btw lolll. Anyway, Mayfil is a very interesting place, because it keeps a lot of the dead and those who haven't "completely died" because of their respective reasons for wanting to stay in this world. It was interesting to see the Dragon Spirits like the Divine Dragon who couldn't die properly because it was so prideful and couldn't accept its death, but at the same time, it was sad to see Lavitz. I didn't expect to see Lavitz, and I didn't expect to see him manipulated in his death, so I'm glad we freed him, because it seems that he wasn't able to die properly because he was so worried about Dart and his journey.. Why is he such a bro?! T_T So, I'm really glad that even if it was in death, he was able to see Dart and Albert one last time and be able to show them where the Signet Sphere was. It was really heartwarming to see them all together again even if it was brief. Dart's right though, Lavitz lives on in their hearts. Anyway, as expected, the last Signet Sphere is broken as well, but nothing deters Dart since he's not going to give up until it's really the end! The Divine Tree is kinda creepy, like just thinking about how species came from these fruits and how if the God of Destruction were to be born, it would be through one of these fruits too. Soa really is playing with them by dictating everything as if all the species are his pawns. 

Omgg the individual battles! I know they're not too hard, but I still remember being so surprised with them as a kid that it's made me paranoid into levelling every character at least a bit now in every game I play lmao. Anyway, it was nice to finally see a bit more background to Miranda's story. As a child, she was so hurt and broken over her mother leaving her, it changed her into becoming a strong and independent person, but as she became strong, she couldn't shake off the loneliness of the abandonment and the lack of love. She always focused on the fact that she was abandoned and never wanted to understand why it was such a difficult decision for her mother to leave her (since the father was terrible and always took her money to drink etc). I'm glad that even if it took a long time, Miranda has finally come to terms with the pain of her childhood and can maybe believe in love and friendship more now. Haschel facing the Claire that couldn't bear the burden of his strict discipline from a young age was quite disheartening to see, but I'm glad that after going on this journey with everyone and having time to think about it himself, he was able to realise that what was important wasn't his ancestral art or the amazing latent potential of Claire, but instead Claire herself. It’s just sad that he’ll never really get to see her again... It was really nice to see Kongol's first meeting with Doel. No wonder why Kongol admired Doel so much, he met him when he was a child after all his clan had perished. He found a new reason to live with Doel. It was cool to see a more wholesome battle this time around. Kongol has always been a good guy, so it was nice that he just needed to overcome his admiration for his brother's strength in order to feel that he's really strong enough to help Dart. It was sad to see that not only did Rose have to kill the Darkness Dragon to get the Dragoon Spirit to fight in the war against the Winglies, but she also ended up having to kill the baby Darkness Dragon she raised because it got out of control. She's killed so many people and creatures because she always prioritised the people and world above all else, and it honestly hurts to see her be hurt by all that. I'm glad that Doel killing Albert's father was addressed again, it was somewhat brief though since you're not really sure whether to believe in Doel or Albert's memories, but Albert is right, even if it was true that Carlo wasn't a great king, Doel didn't have to kill him like that and then reign in the way he did after. His reign was consumed with the idea that power dominates and it definitely killed and hurt a lot of people just as it saved some. But I also think that if Albert didn't go on this journey with Dart, he might not have necessarily been a great king either, so I think this was a good experience for him to learn through Doel that power isn't everything, and that he needs to rely on others and not just himself like Doel did. I really liked Meru's ordeal. Although Meru isn't exactly prideful as a Wingly, I'm sure she was at least a little worried about going to the outside world herself when she's never met humans before, so I think it's nice that she met Dart and them and understood that there wasn't any need at all for Winglies and humans to segregate each other, because everyone is equal and should be the same. Btw I love the wacky room with the static and then the moon showing up, it's such a cool room!

Melbu Frahma possessing Zieg by transmigrating his soul to Zieg's body was something I kinda remembered along the way, but it's kinda saddening to see Rose and Dart have to face this. They solidified their resolve to defeat one of the most important people in their lives and it turns out that he was being controlled all this time... I knew it was about time for Lloyd to appear again, just because he needed to give the Divine Dragoon Spirit to Dart, but I'm so annoyed that he appeared just to be killed for that, it makes me so sad because even though he killed lots of people, he dreamed of a utopia for this world. I hate that he just died like that... Otherwise, I love that Meru never really expected anything from this journey when she first followed Dart, but now that she's experienced how awesome this world is, she wants to protect it and I think that's really cool. I have to admit, after farming the 00parts for my Legend Casque and Armour of Legend, it really makes the last boss battles really easy lol. Not complaining though since the last battle still took so long lmao. The Divine Dragoon Cannon was a pretty cool skill, but yeah wow, Dart looked pretty cool and monstrous as the Divine Dragoon haha. Anyway, I guess it was to be expected, but Rose and Zieg killing Melbu Frahma and sacrificing themselves to make sure of that was understandable, I mean that's where everything started so killing him again should be where everything ends. It's sad that Zieg never got to properly talk to Dart, I mean I had questions too, but seeing Rose and Zieg finally get to be together forever made me happy for them even if it's in death. I guess they can reunite with all their friends now. As for the rest of party, Haschel and Kongol staying in Rouge to teach children was really cute. I'm also really glad to see Princess Lisa get to finally talk with Nello lmao. Meru and Guaraha going around Lohan and just enjoying themselves was hilarious but wholesome. Miranda staying with her sisters and the Queen was expected, but it's nice to see her have a brighter disposition. Albert marrying Princess Emille was a great moment, since he's finally back to being king and taking care of his people haha. Dart and Shana rebuilding their home in Seles was such a heartwarming moment though, he's finally able to prioritise what's most important to him as Lavitz told him to, and is making a happy family. It was so nice to see.

Overall, I really enjoyed the game! I think the last disc was a bit rushed compared to the rest and was a bit too “scripted” for me in some parts, but I still really liked it all. Like, even though it felt really scripted, I really enjoyed how each character had to get past their mental barriers to further strengthen their resolve, it's kinda corny but I really like those haha. I loved the variety of Additions, I feel like Rose could have had more but oh well, I spent the whole game levelling up everyone's Additions at my own pace and only really finished them all when I got to the Moon, which I'm glad of, because once I finished it, I got bored of them hahaha. Anyway, back to the story, I really enjoyed Dart and everyone as characters. I absolutely loved how well Haschel and Meru got along since they were both such big kids, but I also really loved how Dart and Shana developed their relationship. Lavitz was such a bro that I could never forget even though he only appeared in the first disc, but I think his existence really makes you realise how important it is to cherish the people next to you when you can. However, I think what I loved the most was Rose's story. You only get glimpses of it until near the end, but I think Rose as a character really grows on you, and makes you really feel for her circumstances once you realise that she was fighting alone for 10,000 years. So, I'm really glad that she got to be with the real Zieg in the end. Kongol is the wholesome and kind giant that I never knew I needed. He was such a cinnamon roll that I couldn't help but like him. I'm sorry young me called you ugly and never used you!! Young Lily was such a fickle girl lmao. But yeah, I really loved the whole journey because it was really fun to get to know about each character and their motivations alongside the plot, I still kinda wish we got to see more of Lloyd but oh well, I'm okay with it I guess haha. The Divine Dragoon was pretty monstrous looking btw haha, but otherwise 9/10! I loved the game! I'm glad that my childhood memory of loving this game still persists through adult me! Definitely one of my favourite classic JRPGs. Now, I really want to play Thousand Arms again lol.