#honestly im so tired im just so so so tired mind body and soul rn

[idyllic-affections]

HI THERE! IM BACK FROM MY TRIP! And holy moly i didnt missed a lot???? (i think..? I’ll have to read back your post but i want to send an ask now!)

First, love the new theme btw. Yaoshi is also my fav aeon from the aeons we currently know! They are so pretty and divine and i did have a huge stupid smile when Yaoshi kissed us in the simulated universe THEY JUST WANTED US TO STAY SAFE!!!!!!! I sometimes wonder if Hoyoverse is just building them up to be someone you should hate just to make plot twist that turns out, them just simply doesnt know the horrible results their actions does. They do it with good intention but didnt know the results would be bad. But i honestly like their ambiguous morality that hoyoverse have for most of the aeons because well they’re aeons they’re gods ofc they wont follow human morality.

Second, your second oc you have rn is pretty interesting. So i have QUESTIONS!

1. What do they look like? Ik that you said you’re not finished with their design but are they like in a child/teen body but has the mentality of an adult? (Something similar to bailu i guess)

2. What are their element?

3. What does the other aeons think of Ambrose? Like ‘why the hell does Yaoshi have a little human with them’

4. Is Lan and by extension the Xianzhou Alliance aware of Ambrose’s existance and special connection towards Yaoshi? since their relationship with the said Aeon isnt the typical relationship an emanator and aeon would have (i hc that Yaoshi is known to particuraly have a good relationship with their emanators but Ambrose is noticably their favourite one child)

Thirdly, can i just say something? Since i get busy a lot, I dont get to instantly play the new update which sadly leads me to be easily spoiled. Case in point, Tingyun infamous neck snap. I was just casually scrolling on youtube when i saw ‘Tingyun neck snapping in 4 languages’ Like wth youtube!? I try to just forget about it but the mind could never. By the time i do get to play and get to play the quest, i already knew her fate and just keep giving her the side eye. Ik her fate but idk the reason and stuff leading up to it. It was an interesting experience to say the least

Lastly, i am proud to say that i have FINALLY done Dan Heng IL companion quest and have researched enough that i can FINALLY continue on the brainrot i keep talking about, i might finish it this week if i can manage my time better but we’ll see. So keep your eyes wide open!

I hope you have a lovely day/night, now i should go to bed as im tired like hell.. BYE

- 🐱 Anon

HI BELOVED HELLO <333 oh i am SO excited to talk about ambrose. they are so fucking RRRAHGHG i love them....... pleasmelejldjd......

i agree!!!! you cannot call an aeon "good" or "evil." none of them are either of those things. good and evil are just human perceptions of morality, and divine beings like aeons cannot be placed into those human boxes (which is why i think the xianzhou's attitude towards yaoshi is so. odd. bro it was YOURRRR ancestors who looked for THEM!!!! THEY did not look for YOU ALL!!!!!! YOU GUYS looked for THEM!!!!! and hyv really wants me to think yaoshi is the "villain" here HELP AKJSJSGJUFBAJ) AND YAOSHI KISSING US CRIES SOBS SCREAMS they have such a gentle and nurturing soul in my brain. it is so hard for me to look at them and think "yeah that's a villain" THEY'RE NOT CRIES

i don't know if i prefer the idea of yaoshi being completely 100% aware of the consequences of their blessing, or being completely unaware and being so consumed by their path that they cannot see the harm they're doing. i think both interpretations have their own appeal. the second one is definitely more agonizing, though. either way, i do not see the abundance as a villain personally. aeons are not human. human morals cannot be applied to them.

and as for ambrose--

ambrose is, physically, a young adult! a very young adult. think eighteen or nineteen. i want them to be chronologically older than most people on any of the xianzhou alliance's ships, though, so i am working on an explanation for why their mara is less severe and has not completely consumed their consciousness.

i think they're either physical, fire, or imaginary. i haven't decided yet. i'm open to suggestions.

this is SO funny and i love thinking about this. i think most of the aeons were like... what the fuck. What Is That. why does yaoshi have a little human. what the fuck. i think nous would get along w/ them despite nous' involvement with the xianzhou; ambrose sought to be freed from the limitations of mortal comprehension in order to learn more and see beyond their home world, after all. and really, i don't think nous would give a FUCK about the conflict between the hunt and the abundance. they don't fucking care bro they are more concerned with other things LMAOOO. ambrose clashes really badly with nanook because they have a deep set love for humanity and the universe, whereas nanook... does not. the child of abundance, ambrose, does not like the destruction at all so they are ALWAYS going around and eliminating the antimatter legion when they can. IX could not care less about them rip..... IX's apathy is a stark contrast to ambrose's infinite kindness and passion for existence. in general, ambrose doesn't seek out any of the other aeons except nous. nous and yaoshi are the only ones they really talk to.

I AGREE I AGREE i think yaoshi is one of the aeons who really likes their emanators! ambrose in particular is like an extension of themselves (perhaps this could contribute to why their mara is less severe? ambrose is but an extension of their aeon, after all. their aeon's power probably does not hurt them as bad as it does to those who do not share that kind of bond with yaoshi; i think yaoshi can literally FEEL when something is not right with ambrose and vice versa. like, they share a sort of metaphysical bond). lan knows about this, and therefore, so does the xianzhou alliance. ambrose is regarded as an enemy, a thing that needs to be eliminated from the universe... even though they did nothing wrong. ambrose honestly doesn't care because fuck it, you know? there is no point in lamenting the loss of potential allies when those potential allies seem to vehemently hate their parent... but ambrose has learned from yaoshi to have love for every living thing in the universe, so the hate is very one-sided. they are not just a pathstrider. they are an emanator. they cannot emanate their parent's will and strength if they are hateful. so, they have a gentle and tender love for life and that does include the xianzhou alliance. the alliance sees their softness as patronizing, unfortunately. ambrose avoids lan like the fucking PLAGUE because they know that lan would absolutely take any given opportunity to remove them from the universe, and yaoshi would absolutely come to their aid if they sensed that ambrose was in danger. and ambrose cannot be responsible for aiding the hunt in eliminating the abundance. if they survived, and if yaoshi happened to... not survive, they would not be able to live with themselves. so they don't bother trying to make amends with the xianzhou or lan.

NOOOOOO YOUTUBE SPOILERS ARE THE WORST. THEY ARE SO UNAVOIDABLE. TUMBLR SPOILERS? THOSE CAN BE AVOIDED BUT YT.......

ahh that's awesome! i still have to do it HSKNKHSBGKA but you're welcome to brainrot in my inbox whenever you'd like to <3

rest well!!!!

[torsamors]

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛����

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

[touyaz]

HELLO??!? ACE PLS IM ACTUALLY LOSING MY MIND OVER YOUR TAGS!!!! 😭😭💖💖

Like 'if the spring season was an artform it would be your works'!? Ace that genuinely one of the sweetest and nicest compliments I've ever gotten about my art, like I'm actually sobbing 😭😭🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Pls I'm glad you liked the hair! Like listen I just know it in my soul that this man has like the nicest and softest hair, he has money and buys expensive shampoos and conditioners and all that, winspwow I also wanna play with his hair so bad, and I know his touch starved ass would love it too LOL

But ahhhh thank you enjoying my art, I'm tucking your tags in my heart 🥺🥰💖

PLEASE UR ARTWORK MAKES /ME/ LOSE MY MIND!!! i wanna say theyre cute (esp ur gjou ones!!!) but then i rmb that vampire touji one and it just makes me shake uncontrollably. frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog. ALSO! i genuinely adore the detail u put into gjou's eyes they look SO pretty :(( mf actually has me tripping over my feet as i look into them and he's not even real <////3 im honestly always thinking of that piece you drew where the girl is sitting and he's like,, resting his chin on her titties + looking up at her. deadass always on my mind. makes me all sad n shit that i dont have him doing that w me rn <//3 also makes me smile like a goof at the worst times bc he just looks so !!! <3 so soft and tired and in love <33

&& HE WOULD. HE WOULDDDD. i recently read smth that said gege said he rents a flat but im gna ignore that and say he has a penthouse and his bathroom is god's greatest gift. everything is high-end and luxurious (only the best for the best ;) - he's referring to himself :/) and he's got all sorts of hair care treatments, rows of shampoos & conditioners, body washes and bath salts that he never even thinks of using unless you're joining him. he doesn't even need conditioner, his hair is like naturally so nice, but he loves the feel of you lathering shampoo and rubbing it deep into his roots :( gets him all sleepy and cuddly im gonna cry :(

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && roman

WHEN: january 24-26th 

DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.

@romanbeckett​

Roman

Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??

raelynn

my baby

god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already

raelynn

oh no

how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone

raelynn

Where's Q? Is Aaron working?

Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight

raelynn

ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies

raelynn

i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed

yes please come by when you’re done

raelynn

LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING

absolutely, i'm yours.

u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.

and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.

oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol

raelynn

it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.

like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA

that really made me laugh too hard.

raelynn

like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m 100p a flowers girl

raelynn

YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me

raelynn.

I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes

raelynn

tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

omg but I love body glitter fyi

raelynn

I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that makes me so happy I can’t even lie

I too wanna leave glitter everywhere

man I need to do only fans

raelynn

i would a thousand percent subscribe

both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.

we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

and I love this about you

that sounds like a dream?? Wow

raelynn

would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

my tillies would appreciate it

Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh

raelynn

SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW

clears throat Um. The National Debt.

it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hahahah I love you

raelynn

Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

god it’s so boring isn’t it

would so much rather talk about titties

raelynn

God same.

Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think

raelynn

we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun

it'd look actually so hot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.

raelynn

you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe

raelynn

is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed

raelynn

and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

you’re mine, lovie.

raelynn

i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.

raelynn.

no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.

raelynn

Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence

raelynn.

Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen

raelynn

I believe in you my little tropical starfish

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

raelynn

literally you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hehehehe ⭐️

raelynn

i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you

and i think. i think maybe that's okay?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away

raelynn

yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.

raelynn

idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I think it’ll just take some time!

raelynn

you have so much faith in me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of course I do. I think you can do anything.

raelynn

i'm not really sure.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm

raelynn

and you're the smartest person in the world

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.

raelynn

how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

okay!! I’d love that

raelynn

good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long

raelynn

you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair

revolutionary. better than therapy.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Yes!!!!

raelynn

loml

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp

raelynn

you fucking legend

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee

[...]

raelynn

extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

same

now I’m bored

raelynn

i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh no I’m sorry

who do I need to fight

raelynn

well carson is back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

oh god, tell me more

raelynn

idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to

but anyway i screamed at him in the chat

everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.

like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight

oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously

raelynn.

So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not cool

raelynn

So yeah a lot of crying today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*chick with knife emoji*

me rn

raelynn

Cute but lethal

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*img attachment* 

and not at all high...

raelynn.

you're so hot jesus christ.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn.

love u more than life itself

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 

this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.

raelynn

LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR

AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it would be perfect for my Volkswagen

raelynn.

omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......

big brain

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahahah

raelynn

we should road trip soon

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I would love that so much honestly

raelynn

where should we go?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Disney world!!

raelynn

will u propose to me there

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wouldn’t that be romantic as heck

raelynn.

THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I never turn down anything free.

raelynn

me neither. not the taylor family way

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahaha I love you.

raelynn.

we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yay yay yay yay!

raelynn.

i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021

with Mickey ears?

raelynn.BOT01/25/2021

of course, i'm not a monster.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahaa

[...]

raelynn

I hate dudes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

they’re a mess aren’t they lol

raelynn

Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

babe I’m so sorry

raelynn

Like im just so tired

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

how can I make it better

raelynn.

I don't know honestly and I wish I did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn

I love you.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you’re my baby

raelynn

you're MY baby

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home��-  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[convoy914]

Honestly, what I was hoping for was a sort of "Battle in the Center of the Mind" where Penny overpowers and destroys the virus with her boosted Aura. What I GOT was Watts HACKING A SOUL and Penny having to discard everything EXCEPT the bare minimum of who she is to SURVIVE! It's just... Seriously, CRWBY, way to vindicate literally EVERYONE who's ever tried to dehumanize Penny! I honestly think the only way they could go for a bigger slap in the face is if Blake got back together with Adam!

I really don’t see it that way. It doesn’t really “vindicate” that in my view. It very easily COULD have, but they did make it clear that this is just what she always was. It wasn’t really “hacking a soul” either, honestly I never really got that part? Mind control is a trope. It doesn’t really disprove her being a person? He didn’t rewrite her, he implanted a virus in her. And I GET how you can interpret that as the virus winning, but I don’t see it that way, and I don’t think it was INTENDED that way necessarily. They separated the two. I’d have prefer her stay mechanical myself, I’ve made that pretty clear, but I don’t think this is as awful as some make it out to be. Again, I DO think that you’re overthinking this. I get WHY tho. I’m not really into Kingdom Hearts, but you’ve not exactly made your feelings on THAT one vague. I think you’re letting what happened there affect your judgment of this somewhat. Assuming that it’ll automatically go THAT bad based on something that JUST happened.

Again, I GET IT, more than others would I think, but honestly I don’t think it’s NEARLY that bad. She’s still Penny. I don’t know, I don’t agree with EVERYTHING CRWBY does, but it’s still one of my favorite shows. I’d have preferred her stay mechanical, or a cyborg, but I can live with “energy spirit”. Better than if she DID just get plopped into a human body. I think Luimmy put it well in that “The Maiden of Creation creates herself” (https://luimnigh.tumblr.com/post/645560704516194305/see-im-actually-satisfied-with-what-happened)(not sure I 100% agree with them, but it’s a thing to consider and all that). And I can very much see how some trans people take this as a triumph. It’s a complicated situation. I still think that you’re severely overthinking this, but there ARE legitimate concerns here. All I know is, in my hundreds of fanfic ideas, I’m not 100% going to go THIS route, no. Still, I mean, it’s okay to be upset. I just hope I’ve explained why I can live with this, even if its not what I’d have done. The way they DID do it, tho, is in a way where they tried to make it clear that she already WAS real. This is who she always WAS. I can live with it, even if I’d have preferred her stay mechanical. I don’t know

This wasn’t malicious, it was-at worst-a case of not thinking through the implications. Or perhaps feeling beholden to follow old plans they made years ago, when they were different people. RWBY’s still one of my favorite shows, but no show is perfect (As an aside, a point of comparison: Steven Universe is still a great show and I appreciate all it did, but I think giving White Diamond a reformation type arc was a mistake. I’d have had her be the ONE person Steven couldn’t get through to, cause there’s some people you just CAN’T get through to. I still like Steven Universe, just something I’d have done differently. Not something done with malicious intent, but still a choice I personally disagree with. Y’know, it’s whatever)

Believe me, I REALLY dislike the whole “robot becomes human“ trope, but this isn’t QUITE that, so I can live with it. I suppose as someone who can really see the appeal of leaving your body behind... (is this dysphoria? Is that what this is? Look Idunno) I’m not saying you have to be 100% okay with this. I’M not. Just that I don’t think it’s THAT bad, y’know? I can live with it. I honestly think that you’re just overthinking all this. Which I get, cause I can be the same. I understand assuming the worst case scenario, irrational though it is. Cause I do that, far more often than I’d like. So, yeah. I’m NOT fully satisfied with this development. I like robots. Always. But I can live with it. I’m sorry if this came off wrong I never meant that I don’t know I’m tired and super anxious. As I said, I get it. I’m doing it myself rn. I’m sorry this is how I feel about it I’m sorry

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE SEVEN

“I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING.” - joey

HOH: Nathan UPSIDE DOWN: Emma NOMINEES: Jev & Kiki POV: Joshua FINAL NOMINEES: Josh C & Kiki EVICTED: Josh C (6-0)

ARIA

So,,,i highkey fucked up but all good things come to an end, I couldn't play the middle forever but the way it ended was just a little earlier than i expected. Also i handled the backlash of the dpov HORRIBLY! I did so many things wrong this week its insane even though i was on all day calling people i still fucked up,,,but its fine nothing i can really do to change that. But from here i want to fix things and do better, which does start with addressing where I fucked up so lets start with that woot woot (also holy shit that double was so draining this is the first time ive felt legitimately tired in a while and its only 1 am) 

1. COMP FLOPS

-literally all my allies flopped on the comps when we REALLY needed to win and its even worse combined with the information I was told where people told me they were throwing just to do well instead- its clear they weren't being honest with me and I settled into their lies without an ounce of hesitation 

2. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE

I just really settled certain things poorly leading up to this night, i think somewhere i majorly fucked up is with emma, if i was able to get her to vote out nick or get jacob to dpov someone she would vote out i would be in a much better position atm but i didn't and therefore ive exposed myself. And if i was able to receive knowledge of her rose gold dpov before hand i couldve worked out a new plan that way

3. DAMAGE CONTROL

This is where i **truly** fucked up and its gonna show in my jury management too, like theres NO way i could ever get nicks vote at this point in time. Also my gut instinct after the vote was to lie about the way i voted to kiki/joshua/nick/jev when i shouldve came clean and used a bullshit excuse about how i heard nick was after me or something. It's gonna damage my relationships with all of them

SO wabam here i am slightly fucked due to me being a mess but its okay!! I'm still in the game and while im not in as good as a position as I was last time im still certain i can get back into everyones good graces!! And i mean this vote did reveal that a lot of people consider me to be in a duo with them??? which um is kinda weird HBFSHDF Like joey and emma were both calling us duo of the season and i was like....k cute cool totally called that and knew we were a duo yup yup- FBHJDSBF LMAO but i mean in terms of my own position you have the two trios (jacob/bri/nathan and jev/kiki/joshua) who are going to go after each other with Josh C and Emma leaning toward jev/kiki/joshua while me and joey lean towards jacob/bri/nathan. Its crazy that its literally f10 and its five versus five with hardly any true middle player (for now wink wonk) 

But now that nick is out I need to think about whats next and whats my next big move. I think rn im involved with a lot of moves but im not the face of them (bri using pov on nathan, jacob dpoving bri) and such but if i want to win I have to make a move of my own and DEF need to work on jury management bc again nick is gonna hate my guts after reading my gbm,,,as yousef would say "oopsie whoopsie" so I think from here I need to get back in jev/kiki/joshua's good graces SOME how and im really tempted to come clean about my vote bc i think thats going to hurt me in the long run and theres literally already an alliance of all five of that side so like....whats the point of sewing mistrust but also, i do kinda want to try just being a dirty crime snake this game and seeing how much control I truly have on this game. Literally EVERYONE except those three knows my true vote and i've told them all to keep it to themselves so we'll see what happens,,,, im kinda tempted to pin the vote on emma just for funsies and tell them that "jacob told me hes close to emma" or some bs like that but also,,,thats kinda mean yknow? Its also a testament to test how much that trio trusts me which im GUESSING is less than emma but who knows maybe ill get lucky :DD 

Anyways in terms of moving on I really need someone who actually likes me to join jury so its not completely set against me the whole time but also im not sure how thats gonna go down ugh. I mean in terms of end game my options are starting to become limited because nathan/bri/jacob would all BODY me at the end bc at this point they've been the face of big moves and I hope my big move can be turning on one of them and getting them out at some point so when i really start to look at a realistic f2 I can win,,, im kinda leaning toward my new duos of emma or joey which is kinda a shocker to me too lemme tell u HFBSDF but joey's perception of the game seems,,,,messy and I think i can beat him while emma is def doing better but she hasnt snapped yet so i think i can maybe beat her. And then jev/joshua/kiki depends im not sure yet but the thing with them is none of them are gonna want to bring me to the end which is super frustrating (i mean i did just snake em so,,,maybe its deserved) 

The thing is that I like being honest about my vote so trying to have an honest game convo with any of those three is gonna be really hard,,,,esp considering they were all my targets for live night but here we are :') And i really dont know what to do at this point which is really annoyinggg (annoying @ myself theyre all lovely) I think im gonna have to wait a bit before i can try getting them all to fully trust me rn i dont know this has been such a mess but im doing my best!! Before i end this probably poorly aging paragraph its trust ranking time

1.myself (FUCK, and i cant stress this enough, EVERYONE)

HUGE GAP

2.Brianna (shes slowly becoming more stuck in jacob's trap but i do still think shes loyal to me, god IS a woman!!!)

3.Jacob (hate having this man so high bc hes bodying this game but he tells me a lot ig :/ )

ANOTHER GAP

4. Nathan (we need to call and discuss live night but he isnt going to like nominate me or anything)

5.Joey (apparently we're a f2?? not sure where that happened but also hes cagey idk)

-smol gap-

6.Josh C (told me his alliance!! shame he doesnt know im gonna rat him out to my side teehee)

7.Emma (we're also a duo?? almost forgot about that but i fucked her over here a bit but i can build the trust back up i THINK)

anothe gap

8.Jev (he talked to me after live night and didnt ask about my vote so thats cute....not sure where we stand...help)

9.Kiki (we talked briefly after the vote but idk if they realized im a snake yet)

10.Joshua (the silence is deafening) 

Not happy w/ my position yet and im likely to just come clean to joshua in a call tmrow because hes honestly really sweet and his friendship means a lot to me but i need to figure out how I leave me connection with jacob/bri out of it.. ill think of something

praying im not the most hated here but if i am it wouldnt be the first time ig, and thats on pewiod <3

JOEY

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I AM THRIVING. ABSOLUTELY THRIVING. Not a damn soul is coming after me, and more importantly, I have numbers on my side, and no one’s gonna be pissed off at me on BOTH sides of the house. People say Josh C is playing both sides? Nah, it’s me. I need him out because I’m trying to ride that middle man status. My ideal plan is to see Emma go home next week, so that way I ain’t responsible. I want to get rid of Jacob at Final 7, and I will damn sure make that happen. Aria and I have a Final 2 that I plan on sticking to. Seeing Nick go was sad, but good lord it was I-C-O-N-I-C.

EMMA

Everything in this game lately has honestly pissed me off first it was me getting blindsided during live night even though i didnt really want to vote nathan if i was being honest i wanted brianna out over nathan because i thought nathan would be more easier to work with them boom Dpov and boom nick going i am like a little unsure if i regret using the dpov or not i do regret it well because nathan won hoh and sent me to the upside down and nick probably wouldnt try super hard for hoh but then again it seemed my so called allies were probably more closer to nick but i am not even sure my so called low confidence is my weakness in my games but i dont know how to be more confident pretty sure everyone beats me in the end at this point unless if i win an hoh if i do at this point Jacob/Brianna/even nathan getting nominated i didnt want nathan out before like if i won hoh i would of put him to the upside straight up nominate brianna and jacob if one of them goes off the block joey gets put up as a pawn after the upside down week im gonna do whatever to make it to the end idc if i go to the end with somebody i cant beat i just want to make this game enjoyable for me as i can i dont want to float for awhile then bring a goat to the end NNN 

EMMA

my shit list  in order to who i target to who isnt on my rader

Jacob > Nathan > Brianna > Joshua = Aria > Jev > Kiki/Josh C > Joey

who i like most to who is most annoying to play on a game level (i dont really hate or dislike anyone on a personal level)

Aria > Jev > Joshua *tiny gap*  Nathan > Kiki/Josh C >>>>>>>>>>> Jacob > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Joey = brianna also joey would be higher but he lied to me for no reason even tho i didnt mind putting alot of trust in me and i love brianna on a personal level but girl i am not good socially with her which is my fault and her fault also jacob kinda assumed stuff about me like not big stuff like meta  but he still told other people except me (people who are out who i love)  Gina/Jakey > Saira=Nick=Monty=Mo *small gap* Nash >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> dog shit > Taylers dinner (dylan and the og homies know it) >>>>>>>>>>>> DEM

but yeah this game has made me happy because everyone is nice except dem but its been hard to play it because if i felt better i think i would of been playing a 100x times better game

JEV

So I'm safe but it comes at the cost of one of my two favourite people in this game. I've arguably grown closest to Josh C throughout this game, but I promised Joshua that if he saved me with veto I'd vote however he wanted and he wants Josh C to leave over Kiki. This week is me and Nash as final noms levels of ugly.

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szNaW65lCJ0&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=8&t=0s

[alexisthinksalot]

well , i’m up , 5:34am

staurday, november 30

its so early.

i’m in the RV

tired as hell. but cant sleep bcs my stomach problems. i think im home sick.

i remember that last night i said “I’m breaking up with you” to Raul.... not really meaning it ... but ...

if i really didnt mean it, would i have said it at all ?

i get he’s busy; but any body who has time; will make time for the things that matter most to them.

Raul coulve at least texted me when he got home yesterday after work n he never did ubtil i said something. & before that ... he didnt say goodmorning or anything like that. which okay. idrc. i get mornings suck ass.

but then later that day (yesterday) he tells me whats really been on his mind. why he really wasnt talking to me.

Turns out this nigga , QUOTE ON QUOTE said “i just want a woman” “a woman who will help me. you dont do shit. you make me go broke. you came into my life n just made me broke agian.”

first of all) he was practically begging me to date him again. everyday he would nag nag nag “be my girlfriend” “date me already” & he would always make jokes and aide comments about how if i was dating him he would buy me this or that of which we would be looking at when we would go out together.

second) it was NEVER like i was telling him to buy me this and buy me that. he decided on his own terms to spend his money. not me. bcs thats not my money.

third) ha just wow i just really cant believe this nigga wants to talk about this while im out on a family trip. like really nigga ? we spend 24/7 together and you wanna wait until im spending quality time w family // fucking refreshing my soul. and he wants to text me “i want a woman. youre not enough. you make me broke. you dont help”

it just upsets me that he brought this own himself (he told me to be his after multiple times of me rejecting him) and now he wants to complain about how im not enough....

that shit hurt me. and it was out of nowhere. and whats even worse is that hes been feeling this way for a fat minute. it explains ... omg everything makes since now .... this all explains why he’s been so quiet this week ... and probably last ... buti know forsure its been all this weekthat he’s been feeling this way.

what a dick. instead of telling me how he feels about our relationship , he just sits back and thinks to himself “i need a real woman. someone else who can help me. i wish she would.” instead of telling me his thoughts. -

communication is everything.

otherwise; i’m out here lookin stupid.

- instead , he got me out her lookin mad dumb !

i’m over here actin like we’re all good. like theres no problems between me and my boo !

but nah apperently there is problems. and i guess he just HAD to wait until i was with my family , enjoying my family time for him to THEN tell me how he’s negatively been thinking about us. about me.

... so yeah i said i didnt want a relationship bcs why tf would i want to stress myself out like dat ?

all of a sudden im a part of someone elses life/problems and honestly thats just too much for me. i have enough of my own shit to deal with. why add another load of shit to my plate ??????

im only 19 ... growing up , i didnt have a stable home so alot of things i shouldve learned ; i didnt get the chance to ... so i feel like i need to be alone. a one man army until i can get myself situated.

bcs truth be told. im not situated.

and thats why raul’s over here sayin what he’s sayin.

maybe it is best if i stay single.

but here’s the catch:

i was kicked out at 17 & my mom will NOT let me back into her home under any circumstances. (bcs her husband will not allow it🙄 like he says what goes in this family !? ha bitch 😒)

i ended up house hoping from rauls to friends to family ...

i lived in OK for a year

got my GED (bcs my dumbass dropped out) & Drivers License (bcs my mom never had time for me) & I even got an ID for oklahoma. 😎

Tía took care of me like she promised. 🥰

but that was last year ... here i am now.

feeling like im back at square one ....

... i feel like this is my cycle ... men ... 🥺

i came from a broken home , then i spent years growing up, looking for a place to call home but having no place to call home ....

... i just want to be happy while being my own person. i wanna feel like i can do this life shit without a man.

cause rn , the way the universe is playin me; i feel like i’m cursed and i will forever have “daddy issues”

[thepalegoldmoon]

Answers

so i was asked to answer all of these so here i gooooooo!!!!~… kms… ;u;

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

uhhhhmmm i dont really hold hands cause i over heat and the get clammy easily, so the last person i “held hands”/ linked arms with was actually at Anime Boston with this rad dude Jay, we were cosplaying Keith and Lance from Voltron. it was a good day, but we were tired as fuck.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

kinda both depends on the situation and who im around tbh

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

in general or like famous??? uhhhmmm, if we’re going in general tbh me rad ass mate Jay cause why wouldnt I be looking forward to seeing this kid??? hes literally the best thing or person to see ever, duh! and if were going famous??? uhhhmmm music wise either Panic! At The Disco, TOP, orrrrr maybe a tie between some one from the Hamilton, or Heahters musicals.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

again depends on the situation and people. over all id say yeah in some way.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

uhmmm idk because we’d both probably be shit faced and tumbling over each other screaming, incoherently and laughing our asses off. While simultaneously getting into 20 different fights over cheese, bread, and cats. Then crying about video games and anime. probably in the midst of this we’d be laughing and patting each other’s back telling each other how good of a bro the other is an how we’re gonna take over the world by the sheer brute force of dogs and cats

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

uhhhhmmm i dont really have a type but there’s a guy i like alot whos my dream guy tbh, and to me hes perfect in alot and pretty much every single way. ºuº

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not but its nice to hope and dream c:

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

either rn my friend Casey cause shes in spain this week for vacation or my childhood bestfriend Liz cause her birthday just pasted on april 7th and i havent seen her in years.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends on who im with and what exactly kinda stuff were talking about. but im always awkard af with everything so im always uncomftorble.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

mi boi Jay!!~ we tend to get into deep conversation alot. i enjoy it alot tbh hahaha.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

(when i got to this quesion)

 WE WILL BE TRASH GODS!!!~

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

UHMMM pass cause honestly the whole entirety of Heathers and Hamilton pretty much.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

OMFG HELL YEAH I DO!!!!!!!~

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah man thats always been something i believe in because i have the most terrible luck but i like to believe miracles have happened in my life.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i started the change in my social life and i got a really rad friend through the beginning phase of it!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

uhmmm ive only done pecks cause im  fucking looser so that was Jay, so hell yeah i would man hahaha! (hes got a kissable face its nice alright, i swear im not this fucking awkward XD) ((and bro i know youll end up reading this. i love ya man!! i hope this isnt too bad lol~))

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

fuck yeah i do bro. i wanna befriend at least one of them tbh.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really cause the kid left after 5th grade and i never saw him again,

19. Do you like bubble baths?

fuck yes.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont really talk to them haha.

21. What are you bad habits?

i have alot, talking to much and fighting HARD during a fight, and having the worst timing for smart ass comments, and trying to change things i cant change too much. theres more but thats a good few.

22. Where would you like to travel?

everywhere and anywhere tbh

23. Do you have trust issues?

a bit ive more developed them because of shitty people

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

either shower or the part where i come home and either draw, eat, play video games, get to text my boi, or where i get to sleep.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my nose, the corners of my mouth or my big toes.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

text my friend good morning or get up and play with my mouse for a few minutes

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i enjoy my skin tone but i wish i could tan ith out burning although, ive always wanted to either be albino or see what its like to be darker.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

either Jay, or my friend Casey

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope because i dont talk to them XD

30. Do you ever want to get married?

at some point maybe haha

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

almost but the sides and some of my bangs are just a teeny bit off from making it :u:

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

uhmm not really any tbh theyre all to much older than me

33. Spell your name with your chin.

alyxx/ nyxx

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

ew no but i like swimming and to go on walks for fun

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

thats hard cause i need both for background noise

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

not really, i dont think so

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

something really stupid and half the time really provocative

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

ahhhh hahaha well i dont really know because the guy im crushing on is my dream guy js. and if i were to try and describe him id butcher the amazing and astounding beauty of the real person to be honest

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

ahhhh idk, lush?? and anything with food tbh

40. What do you want to do after high school?

die, or move to salem WITCHever comes first -u0 lol (bad pun i know i know)

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

i belive in ALOT of chances tbh

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

either im tired, extremely sad/depressed, overthinking/ thinking, focusing, thinking how to reply something or im REALLY fucking pissed off at you for something.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

REALLY FUCKING AWKWARDLY AND IN REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD SITUATIONS

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

UHHHHHH BOTH!!!!!~ TF?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

THE INPENDING FEAR AND DOOM OF CRIPPLING ANXIETY IF I MISS THE BUS OR if im hanging out wiht someone that day the motivation of not being alone in my room with myself for the whole day or so hahaha, or a con/ meet up which applies to friends.

46. What are you paranoid about?

AAAHAHAHAHAHA IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION???? fucking everything…

47. Have you ever been high?

yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

buzzed not drunk

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

uhhh i dont think so im not really very secretive. maybe like PERSONAL shit but no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

a few times

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

uhmmm either eye color and nose Physically.and personality wise i wish i wasnt so stubborn tbh.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

lush is the closest thing to makeup i use hunny

54. Favourite store?

lush

55. Favourite blog?

@thedevilandhisfiddleofgold​ c;

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food?

uhmmm theres too many to list, all?? except spicy

58. Last thing you ate?

a cracker with nutella on it

59. First thing you ate this morning?

a cinnamon powdered sugar doughnut

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

nope

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Suspending, accused of stealing shitty locker wallpaper panels. THAT I ACCTUALLY FUCKING HADNT ;U;

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love?

YES ;-;

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

never fucking had one kiddies sorry no story time for this one

65. Are you hungry right now?

kinda i want chips

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

uhm my only tumblr friends are friends in real life so not really because how do you like someone more on tumblr than you like them in real life??? not like its impossible its just odd.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

neither tbh, i only use my facebook for my work schedule

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

TUMBLR

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yes i started 13 reasons why

70. Names of your bestfriends?

jay, casey, liz (ranked most to least interaction and tbh who ive talked to most recently, those other two loosers never text me)

71. Craving something? What?

chips, cookies, FOOD, and love, BUT MOSTLY FOOD RN

72. What colour are your towels?

we have mostly white and black towels but theyre all just multicolored

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

(im also counting my stuffed animals as pillows)

at least 11 tbh

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

(refer to last question)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

9

75. Favourite animal?

wolf, fox, raven, snowleopard, cat, snake (i cant choose)

76. What colour is your underwear?

black like my soul bitch

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

birthday cake or cotton candy/ bubblegum

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black

80. What colour pants?

dark grey

81. Favourite tv show?

uhmmmm Voltron or steven universe

82. Favourite movie?

heathers and the crow

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

havent seen the second one (refer to previous question)

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

the lebanese chick and the gay guy that were friends with lindsay lohan’s character

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

thats a hard question cause i love them all ;-;

87. First person you talked to today?

Jay (and caiden???) i sent a message to a group chat right after i woke up, i was pointed at Jay but theyre both in that chat

88. Last person you talked to today?

same chat

89. Name a person you hate?

ahha ahhahaha hahahaha, mmmmm theres alot 

90. Name a person you love?

Jay, Casey, my pets

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

better question… is there not????

92. In a fight with someone?

i dont think so but im aboutabe casue they wont give me times on if theyre coming tomorrow or not ;-;

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2 and a pair of sweat pants i made into shorts

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

hehehe at least 6 or 7. tbh my attack on titan one has been issing for a while and it makes me sad

95. Last movie you watched?

heathers, im not saying the technical last one cause it was gross as fuck and doe not count as a movie to me

96. Favourite actress?

ehhh hellena bonham carter

97. Favourite actor?

johnny depp

98. Do you tan a lot?

not really cause i burn and im afraid of getting skin cancer

99. Have any pets?

2 guinea PIGS and a mouse

100. How are you feeling?

alright kinda missing my friends and also kind anxious

101. Do you type fast?

depends on my mood, what im typing on,  and about

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

so.. many… things…

103. Can you spell well?

fairly decently i think, average nothing over the top but i try haha

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

ehhh Liz and my friend Julia from Germany she was cool.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

there was a girl named shannon who was all over me and head over heels for me, she mightve been a taurus. she tried to use some serious mental shit to try and get me to stay. i told her to seek professional help and not me.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

a 10 page paper and finishing final fantasy, and getting more loot boxes in overwatch

109. Is something irritating you right now?

not really knowing what to do with my senior paper, shop friends, being alone, and not having enough hours in the day and always being fucking tired.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes, i do right now, tbh, but its cool

111. Do you have trust issues?

this was already asked. slightly it depends on the person

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

no one, mentally and close to physiccally jay and caiden, but im always mentally crying. i dont physically cry if i do youre special, im not that soft.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Ash

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i was born in pittsburgh, pa. i lived in townsend, ma and i just recently moved to pepperrel, ma.

115. Do you play the Wii?

not any more

116. Are you listening to music right now?

not really

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YAS

119. Favourite book?

how to make the perfect boy?? (its something like that) i also really enjoyed mrs. perigrines home for peculiar children.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

im afraid of what might be in it

121. Are you mean?

i can be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

ew not wtf

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

probably not

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

kinda but only to an extent

125. Do you believe in true love?

again kinda but only to an extent tbh

126. Are you currently bored?

a bit

127. What makes you happy?

chilling with jay, playing wiht my animal or sleeping 

128. Would you change your name?

i want to, im trying to get Alyxx as my name hahah but i have a genius way to keep ASH

129. What your zodiac sign?

GEMINI BIATCH!!!!~

130. Do you like subway?

yeah its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

uhhhh hahah i already dated my childhood bestfriend. Liz was chill but id kindly turn her down

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

already answered this up top, but Jay

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hmmmm i have too many tbh, id love to put one here but i cant think of a good one atm sorry my dudes

134. Can you count to one million?

maybe but im to lazy to fam

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

hahaha ive told too many to put those down

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

CLOSED OMFG NO #TRIGGERED

137. How tall are you?

5′5.25″ ( THAT QUARTER IS IMPORTANT ;u;, believe it or not i had=ve alot of friends that are taller than me)

138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy-ish

139. Brunette or Blonde?

i myself am a “brunette”

140. Summer or Winter?

kinda both

141. Night or Day?

ehh more night but i enjoy both

142. Favourite month?

either, October, November, December, and i actually am not a fan of my birth month may haha

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope but ive thought about becoming one to cleanse and to get in better shape kinda reasons

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk and white

145. Tea or Coffee?

both

146. Was today a good day?

ehhh kinda

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers but i wanna try a mars bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

hahah either

“ another fucking heather! -sighs- Our love is god let’s go get a slushie!”

-JD “Heathers”

( i relate most to the heather part tbh)

  “ill hook ‘em…” “..and ill cook ‘em!”

-Roadhog and Junkrat “Overwatch”

( YEAH I KNOW IM TRASH BUT ITS A PRECIOUS QUOTE BETWEEN TO REALLY GOOD BEST MATES OKAY!!!??)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

WHOLE HEARTEDLY, IVE SEEN THEM, IVE FELT THEM, IVE HEARD THEM, TALKED TO THEM, I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM AND THEY ARE KINDA SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING BUT I LOVE THEM!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“WOW MAGNUS, you’re probably thinking. That was… stupid!” 

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard 

[not-you-30]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My best friend to not get lost on a concert.

 2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Depends – normally pretty outgoing but if I like somebody or I should be in the centre of attention I can be shy as well.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

People? My best friend, who’s living in London.

Artists? Slipknot, BTS (weird mix ik) & One Ok Rock

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Yes! Most people tend to like me easily. But when people get to know me better they realize I can be pretty complicated as well.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don’t drink any alcohol. But of course all of my friends would.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Funny ones

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

No. Im pretty complicated when it comes to realitionship.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Jimin.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Depends whom I talk with and what’s the topic. But normally not.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My best friend.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

To my best friend about studying.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Life Cycles – The Word Alive (forever one of my top5)

Doomsday – Architects (same as above)

This is war – 30 seconds to mars (again…as above)

It never ends – Bring me the horizon (classic)

Spring Day – BTS (pretty recent)

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yes yes YES

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Sometimes

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Nova rock (as every year)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

No.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Yes can’t believe we are the only one.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No. I don’t really see him anymore.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yes

21. What are you bad habits?

I am lazy and overthinking everything – that’s a really stressful combination.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Right now to asia – Japan or Korea.

23. Do you have trust issues?

No.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Sleeping xD

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My back and arms

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Look at my phone

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Maybe a little bit darker but Im good the way it is.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My family and best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I broke up so no.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I would have a 8-some with a special band xD

33. Spell your name with your chin.

Naaaaaaw

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Horse-riding and normal fitness stuff

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV!

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

I can’t remember so probably no.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Some smalltalk stuff

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Guy 😊 From the look: Either heavily tattooed or pretty feminine. Slim, not too muscular, I like long hair and beautiful eyes.

From the inside: Nice, tolerating (I hate racism and discrimination), he has to have humour, likes to have and give freedom and…well I like a little dark dominant side as well 😉  

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Music/Movie stores or equestrian ones

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I am already in university and have a bachelor’s degree

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Yes

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I am tired or upset

43. Do you smile at strangers? Yes

 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

               Outer space – I love the space

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Music

46. What are you paranoid about?

Disease

47. Have you ever been high?

No

48. Have you ever been drunk?

No

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Yeah but wont post it here obviously

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yeah

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My laziness

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Im not really into makeup – as long as it does its job

54. Favourite store?

Drop Dead

55. Favourite blog?

Wow idk too many

56. Favourite colour?

Black and turquoise

 57. Favourite food?

Curry

58. Last thing you ate?

Salad

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Soup xD

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Can’t remember

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

No

62. Been arrested? For what?

Hell no

63. Ever been in love?

I am honestly not sure.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

It was at a party – not too spectacular xD The guy was a dick.

65. Are you hungry right now?

Yes ☹

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

No

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Yes

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Steffi

71. Craving something? What?

Sweets ☹

72. What colour are your towels?

Mostly orange

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

They are in my bed but I don’t cuddle (anymore) :D

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Twenty – Thirty

75. Favourite animal?

Lion

76. What colour is your underwear?

White and blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

hazelnut

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black

80. What colour pants?

Black xD

81. Favourite tv show?

RN? A few Korean shows :D

82. Favourite movie?

Lord of the rings

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Haven’t watched either ☹

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

21 Jump streets.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Well as I said….haven’t seen it.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory :D

87. First person you talked to today?

My mum.

88. Last person you talked to today?

My dad.

89. Name a person you hate?

Nobody tbh

90. Name a person you love?

My mum 😊

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

No

92. In a fight with someone?

My ex-best friend…it’s not really a fight we just don’t talk anymore. I wish we still would ☹

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

4 or 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Oh God…maybe 10

95. Last movie you watched?

Uhm somethings with last summer on Netflix

96. Favourite actress?

Saoirse Ronan

97. Favourite actor?

Timothée Chalamet

98. Do you tan a lot?

No

99. Have any pets?

Yes a cat and a bunny 😊

100. How are you feeling?

Good…a little bit stressed due to many exams.

101. Do you type fast?

Yeah pretty much

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Not in a long term point of view

103. Can you spell well?

Well there are surly better

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah…my ex-best friend

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes 😊

 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Yeah…

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Every week multiple times 😊 I have to foster horses 😊

108. What should you be doing?

Maybe studying but I did it all day so I guess Im good.

109. Is something irritating you right now?

University xD

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes…

111. Do you have trust issues?

No

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname?

The same as today 😉

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Of course – multiple times 😊

115. Do you play the Wii?

Yes

116. Are you listening to music right now?

No

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Yes 😊 Especially when Im sick

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah

119. Favourite book?

Uhm…some historical novels 😊 And the captive prince novel 😉

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Yes when it’s completely dark

121. Are you mean?

Normally not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

I’d say no but I think I would still excuse it.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

No but I never plan to xD

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yes

126. Are you currently bored?

No

127. What makes you happy?

Music, concerts, horse riding

128. Would you change your name?

No

129. What your zodiac sign?

Leo

130. Do you like subway?

Yes 😊

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Happened to me – we worked it out 😊

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I’ll get architects “Souls don’t break the bend” tattooed in two days so yeah…

134. Can you count to one million?

I could but it would take some time xD

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I can’t remember tbh

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Depends if my cat sleeps in my bed or not. If he does, they are open 😊

137. How tall are you?

1.68m

138. Curly or Straight hair?

straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

Spring :P

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

December (Advent, Christmas & New Years Eve 😊)

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Not yet but I don’t really eat much meat.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

It was okay 😊

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything

  149. Do you believe in ghosts?

No 😊

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

“…considerable power and a warrior of long experience.”

[treveesamoe-blog]

august 20th 2018

i got back from hawaii this morning. alot has happeneed since my last entry  and a lot is soon to be happened. in two days exactly because thats when i move into my apartment and start my sophomore year at lmu. i honestly cant remember what it was like to be in college or go to school. i always say and think this but i feel so different now. i feel like im just in the passenger seat of life letting it take me wherever it feels. i feel like there isnt control and ive given up trying to harnass it the way i envision it. im tired. im bleh. i dont allow myself to be sad or mad or happy or anything. id say most of my present is dedicated to anxiety. for a month now on and off ive had this awful wobbly like im on a boat feeling. imm convinced it has something to do with my inner ear. but i also just think its a perfect storm too. i have too much sodium in my diet (my world famous top ramen really did that), i dont eat enough protein or enough in general, im detoxing my body from 2 years of weed abuse plus adderall plus nicotine plus coke. and i was surfing in rough waves and driving to high elevations and back down to sea level and then back up and then down and then through curvy roads on the road to hana. and i start school in a few days and im nervous about what its gonna be this year. at the same time im kinda just like well summer is gonna end and its all gonna be over soon no matter my feelings so why not just let this wave take me wherever. im not sure if this is a healthy mindset. i just wanna live in the present. like in SKAM when isak says “life is now”. life is in this moment that im writing this entry. life is in the now. and im determined to keep myself in the now not floating to the darkest or most nostalgic parts of my past or the fears or expecations of my future. im just gonna enjoy what is around me now. whenever now is. thats my goal.

i picked up my “HEAT” bomber jacket from grandma today and we ended up looking through her moms and grandma’s memory boxes. hard to put into words how meaningful that was. family really is everything. i love my grandma and ive realized she deserves to be protected from my demons, even if i dont always see them that way. see look im actually honest in these entries lol. i have such a rough choice ahead of me telling her and my dad. i just want to enjoy how it is now before i taint it with who i was born to love. i choose my grandma over unhealthy worldy desires. i want to make her proud. and that means not settling, but finding my guy. someone im proud of and that lifts me up. hes out there and i know hes fun and cute and happy and i know hes waiting for me too. i trust the universe will bring me to him when the time is right and the stars align haha. for now im just gonna focus on my health and school. love can come find me. and i know it will not when im waiting for my life to begin but when im running with it. 

in other universe news, i prayed that the universe would put a boy in my life and it HAPPENED lmaoo. honestly doesnt even seem real that it happened but it really did. so this guy chris that i met on tinder (lol i know tinder gross stupid dum whatever but hey, it put him on my radar and im not complaining). anyways he was at the same resort town as me in maui this past week with all his friends! how crazy is that! hes the one guy thats been on my mind for a while now and we both end up in hawaii right next to eachother at the same time?? thats freaky universe stuff right there idc. hes going to lmu next year which im excited about but not too excited lol we know what happened with instagram matt last year when i got too hyped. so im just keeping this one as a friend.he even called it a “perfect start to a magical friendship” lmaooo. ok but the tea is that ive been saying to katherine that i wanna be friends with him at lmu. so at least were on the same page about (even though he beat me to it the little bitch haha). it was fun though hanging out with him. i mean it took me getting caught sneaking out and getting yelled at and having my sister and my mom guard the door at night and curfews but hey i got to spend a few hours with him and it was so easy. hes cute too. not that great of a nose but i actually dont even care. great eyes. and hes funny. i just feel like its always awkward with guys like occidental matt where i can barely stand the awkward tension between us. occidental matt is perfect for me looks wise but when i take that away im annoyed by him haha. he isnt funny (or at least my kind of funny.. which by the way is hilarious like if u dont think im funny then ur stupid sorry) and hes boooorriiingggg. and possesive. and moody. blah blah blah i dont need that in my life. i want someone im excited to see. it sucks though cuz im really just not talking to anyone rn. i realized that i just go from one “online boyfriend” to the next because im nervous to not be talking to someone. but thats so weakkk like thats not how i need to live. im choosing to live my own life and love my own self and take care of my self before searching the fake internent for my soul mate. this years about me. about what i can do without drugs and in good health. im determined, and im ready. hahaha okdramatic im always ending these like this. OH WAIT. scatterbrain alert bitch i didnt even finish what happened with chris and his friends. ok so i met him in the lobby and we hugged. we immediatly started talking wiht no awkwardness. he did stumble on his words though at first. i thought it was cute. then we went upand i said hi to his friends and we made cookies with the oreos in the middle and listened to mama mia (gayyyy) and took fireball shots and i drank BEER LOL. then we took the beers on the beach and i bummed a cigarrete off of some rich drunk white ladies. chris said i was smooth. i felt powerful with him,like my full smooth self. likei was light on my feet or something. then we sat at a bench and the softest orange cat walked over to me from far away and let me pet her. ok dont laugh but i really think that was the universe that sent that cat to remind me thats what brought me to that moment. it was like a hello. i just got the chills thinking about that haha im so dramaticcc. then this blonde drunk girl came up to us and we immediatly connected on a spiritual level. she gave me her purple and white lei and she talked about how she couldnt handle her family anymore,but she loves them. then my mom had to pick me up and i said bye to everyone. i guess she smoked chris and his friends out later that night which is so chill haha if only i still smoked weed. i cant beleive that was my life for more than a year. so weird. stoner trevor what a phaseee.

well thats all i got tonight. this was such a scatterbrained shit post but now at least i dont have to worry about forgetting any of this. goodnight future trevor.

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 4

7 april 2017 3:55am i can’t help but feel like you don’t give a shit about us anymore. idk. i texted u last night about the adex thing, even though u didn’t have mine u were just being helpful. by searching and all. idk i just can’t help but feel u don’t give a shit about us anymore. is your decision really no? is your decision really for us to go our separate ways? did u really give up on me?

4:17am i find myself alternating between moments of being needy or indifferent to you. i think i’m getting bipolar.

help

. idk what to feel anymore. what’s wrong with me. why am i feeling this way??

4:28am i thought i heard someone fall and my door opening wtf i got so scared. i looked out of the covers and didn’t see anything but i’m still fucking scared. ugh i hate it when i hear something in the middle of the night. holy shit it makes me paranoid. i wish u we’re here with me now.

7:43am i dreamt of u again. i couldn’t remember much, but we were happy

9:53am some days i feel nothing at all, some days i feel everything a little harder. and today’s one of those days.  let me slip into a coma and wake up when all these is over.

some vs guy called me over to assist bc he thought the tulips were all falling over and he said they looked like they were in bad condition. so i went over to see what he was on about. LOL there was nothing wrong with the plants and bc they were so tall, they were just flopping over. i guess he thought they were dying or broken and was hoping that i could cut some off and he could take some home. sorz dude. they just look like that. 

the tall flopping tulips reminded me of u being so tall that u started hunching over. and i teared up again.  yesterday i felt nothing at all, i felt fine. i thought i was slowy getting better. i was wrong. im feeling everything today. everything is rushing back to me so fast and hard i cant hold back my tears. idk. i need u even more today. but i don’t think u feel like you need me anymore.

12:31pm we went to marina sq to eat. we passed by the carls junior that we ate on the day u POP. idk why i felt even more depressed like i just felt super empty suddenly. now while waiting for the rest to draw money, we went into the korean shop, and the first thing i saw was your fav onion rings that i promised i would buy for u if i chanced upon it. i took it without thinking and then only realized that i won’t be seeing you anytime soon when i was going to pay at the counter. i was trying so hard to keep my tears in bc everyone was with me. idk i feel terrible.

2:59pm holy shit this visitor had a gopro hero 5 and WTF HE SAID GO PRO TAKE A PICTURE AND IT RLLY DID. IT HAS VOICE RECOGNITION WTF COOL BEANS. omg is that why u wanted a gopro hero 5???

5:30pm tho bought magkoli and it didn’t taste as nice as i thought it would. we drank a little in office and everyone didn’t rlly like it. and tho asked me to ta it and finish the whole bottle. honestly, if it tasted better i would have. bc i think i really need a drink rn. i’ve been feeling super shitty today. everyone asked about u. everything reminded me of u. i miss u so much.

8pm the urge to drink is real. i need a strong drink to knock me out so i wouldn’t have to deal with my late night thoughts. i bought rice beer from cheers. i would prefer vodka or breezes or sth but i would need more than 10 bottles of that to make me drunk. the rice beer was the only one which had the largest amount but q low alcohol level. oh wells i guess it works. as long as there is alcohol in my system i guess i can cope. i can’t wait for my parents cell group to leave before i can go down and drink. times like this, i wish i still had our soju and beer in my fridge, then i would be q drunk i think. idk. i wished i was drinking and smoking with you instead of alone. even though i love being alone, i would still prefer your company over being alone, even in silence.

8:45pm saw this on snapchat

How To Know If You Have Found Your Soul Mate

1. An Inner Knowing

Call it love at first sight or just a moment of intuition, a lot of people know when they have found “the one”.

If you feel comfortable, energized and intimate with someone even though you’ve only just met them, there’s a good chance the r/s will go the distance.

2. Mutual Respect

R/s often fall apart when the two people try to change each other.

Soul mates, however, accept one another (flaws and all) and when they step back see a partner they are very proud to be with.

They don’t want to change each other, so they tend to be less critical of each other, even when they disagree. they want to be the best partner possible to support the person that you are.

3. Being On The Same Page When It Matters

Soul mates don’t agree on everything. However, when it comes to the most important things in life like your values, goals, core beliefs and priorities, you are totally on the same page.

Soul mates tend to see the world through the same lens which makes their connection so much deeper because they understand one another.

4. Support And Nurture Each Other Soul mates celebrate each other’s success and help each other when the going gets tough. Soul mates are always rooting for each other and are proud to support their partner in everything they do.

Soul mates can help support you to great heights of personal and professional success.

5. Best Friends Forever

Soul mates just “get” each other. They can understand each other on a very deep level, even if they’ve only known each other for a short amount of time.

if you find someone who very quickly becomes your number one support, your partner in crime, and the first person you text when you have good or bad news, there’s a good chance that you’ve met your soul mate.

6. A Shared Version For The Future You share the same key values and what the same sort of things out of life, otherwise resentments grow and the r/s begins to sour.

To share a life that you both love, you first have to agree on what life will look like.

7. You Challenge Each Other

This can be challenging, because it will mean that the two of you are often encouraging one another to move out of your comfort zones.

The unique combination of challenges and support provided by a soul mate is a major catalyst for personal growth - and in the future, you’re sure to be grateful to each other for all the encouragement.

8. Sex Is Mind Blowing

Because they have such deep connection, sex between soul mates is destined to be unlike anything has either of them has ever experienced.

Soul mates profound love for each other combined with their ability to be honest and vulnerable creates a level of sexual chemistry that is off the charts.

9. You Both Fight To Make Your R/S Work

No matter how deep your connection, soul mates will inevitably run into bumps in the road - whether it be difficulties with family members, illnesses or financial troubles.

True soul mates find ways to fight together in order to make things better, because you’ll both want the r/s to survive more than you’ll want to defend your own egos.

10. You Feel Comfortable

You feel so comfortable around each other from the start. Even in the emotional whirlwind of falling in love. soul mates will find that they’ve never felt more secure in opening up to someone and showing their true self.

Soul mates delight in each other’s little quirks and feel great empathy for each other’s flaws and vulnerability.

11. You Can Spend Time Apart

Soul mates are able to strike the right balance between time together and time apart. they trust each other and still feel close when they are doing separate things, rather than being consumed with jealousy or anxiety.

They are able to let each other do what’s best for their individual lives yet at the same time also know that you’re happiest and more fulfilled when you’re enjoying quality time as a couple.

even though we do majority of wtv that has been said here, there are some things we still have to improve on. and i am willing to work on that with you. as long as you are willing to continue working on us with me

11:19 high but not enough to text you or call you. i miss u i wish u we’re here with me rn. i always associate the feeling of being high and drunk with you bc you’re the person i always drink with. and maybe bc of us always coming back to my place to have drunk sex after clubbing in the past. i just want to feel your skin against mine. i just want to feel your body heat against me. i just want to feel your arms around me. i just want to be taken care of by you like in the past when i'm high and drunk.

idk i'm tired. i miss u. i need u here in bed with me rn.