#honestly i went into this expecting teenage murder stuff but i was suprised to see the demon shit! that was pretty cool.

[autism-corner]

awesomee =w=b

[jessemccowbae]

EVERYONE AT OVERWATCH IS HOT. A THESIS.

ALRIGHT KIDDOS SADDLE THE FUCK UP.

We have now officially reached the drunk enough to say shit you ort notta said part of the evening. And we have so many new people showing up, and said to myself, damn self, there are so many pretty people showing up tonight. And then I realized why: it is because LITERALLY EVERYBODY HERE IS ATTRACTIVE

I am not making this up. When objectively removing existing friendships and awkwardness and social niceties and power imbalances and general Reasons It Is A Bad Idea, I would most definitely bang everybody in this building.

So naturally before making suhc a statement I needed to double check the entire roster. And make sure I wasn't leaving somebody out or making someone feel bad. Or anything like that, because even if I didn't want to bang you all I still almost entirely like y'all and don't want to cause no hurt feelings. We're still a family and I still love you okay? But I went down the whole list and. I was right. Literally. Everybody. At Overwatch. Is like 100% bangable. Some over 100%.

For the purposes of this I am leaving Bastion and Orisa off the list. Because Orisa is a youngun and probably doesn't have a grasp on such things yet and Bastion seems to be like... three? Four maybe? Mentally? I mean given that we just had to explain porn I think there maybe issues with the concept of sex, much less consent. But it's definitely not just an omnic thing, as you will see.

So look. We're gonna go straight down the fuckin list and I will Mathematically Prove This To All Of You.

ANA. Alright, this is one of those where like I normally outside of this experiment wouldn't think about it mostly because Fareeha would murder me. But for the sake of makin' the point I will. The Captain was a fuckin' fox in her day and hasn't lost most of it. It's like 80% attitude, she could kill pretty much everyone I have ever met, but even if you base it just on looks she's got it nailed, alright? 10/10 gimme the damn time machine

HANA. I feel like I shouldn't because she is enough younger than me that it's creepy? So I will just say this: if she had been here when I was a 17-year-old recruit I would have basically tripped over my own dick trying to get her to so much as fucking glare at me. Hypercompetence is fuckin hot. */10 but teenage Jesse is like nerf me pls

GENJI. Is a hot dude. I'll just go there, alright? He is. I am also like 90% certain that some of those mechanical parts have functions that weren't in the instruction manual if you know what I'm saying, and I have watched his ass train, you would not believe the fuckin flexibility. Like if you like dudes even a little and you wouldn't fuck Genji you're lying. 11/10

HANZO. Go on and fucking laugh. Get it out of your system, I'll wait here. Okay, you done? Cause this motherfucker is carved out of fucking marble. Like I think if I punched him in the stomach I'd break my hand? And my hand is metal. Just fucking. Chiseled out of granite or some shit. Top to bottom. His face is the same too, he looks like some kinda Renaissance statue or some shit. Like even if I wouldn't bang him, which make no mistake I would, I would still want to touch him a lot to just see how he's fucking real. 13/10

JAMIE. Okay but lemme let you in on a secret. Happy fun laughing sex? Is the best sex. And if this little asshole is half as manic in bed as out you are in for a fuckin' time, alright? Plus he's tall as hell and has long ass fingers and the accent ain't bad either. Solid 8/10, probably a 10 if he could concentrate long enough to put actual effort into seduction? Either way, bring Gatorade

LUCIO. I mean, have you met this dude? He is probably the most gentle and caring and tender jackass you ever met in a bed. Will just dote the fuck all over you until you're a crying mess because you know no human can ever be that good back to him and he doesn't even care, he's just glad you're here, and then he wants to snuggle after. I mean sure, he's hot, but that's fuckin' secondary at this point. 11/10 also probably has the best sex playlist on the planet

MEI. If you have never seen Mei outside of her winter gear. Do yourself a favor. If it ever looks like she is about to take her coat off. Make sure you do not have any food or drink in your mouth. Because the first time I saw her in a t-shirt I basically snorted soda up my nose. She is a sweet and kind and wonderful darlin', make no mistake! But more prurient to the current subject her body does not even make sense. I'm shocked Winston ain't made a project of her yet because that many curves in that small a space has got to violate some laws of physics. Just... so much... EVERYTHING. All at once. Twenty pounds of bodacious in a ten pound sack. Here for it. 13/10 thighs would make excellent earmuffs

ANGIE. Okay. Look. You know all those American movies where there's this like shallow useless prop of a Gorgeous European Woman who's flirty and sexy and statuesque and golden? Now imagine they're also friggin crazy insane brilliant and like the kindest most loving person you ever met in your life and can also cook. Why do the rest of us even exist. Fuck me sideways. 11/10

FAREEHA. She is smarter than me, cooler than me, tougher than me, more educated than me, and can and has beaten me up. If you're into ladies and muscles this is your second best bet on base. And she's good at fucking everything? Which, again, I'm into, you should be too. 10/10 wear your pads

REINHARDT. Look. I'm just gonna come right out and say what we're all thinking. He's like 6'6" at least and about a yard wide at the shoulders. Even if he's just proportionally average he's still probably hung like an elephant. And hey, still got the bod after all these years, it's impressive. 11/10 I am a tall dude I've never been held up against a wall and it sounds fun

ROADHOG. You know what? Hog is a super fuckin sweet dude. I was not expecting that. But like, I got a big soft warm hug earlier just because I was drunk and sad.  And we ain't even super good friends yet. So honestly this probably goes the same way as Lucio, basically. Plus he's got big hands so hey. 10/10 why the hell not

JACK. I mean, fuck, look at him. Fuckin blond-haired blue-eyed pristine midwestern beefcake asshole. Got a fuckin' statue. You'd do him just to say you did it. 10/10

SATYA. Look, I'm normally real good at reading people and the whole aloof and mysterious thing is kinda played out? But she's working it. Like, just warm enough on occasion to reel you in a little. I dig it, very controlled, well executed. If you're into someone else taking control it's totally there. Or just insulting you, if that's your thing. And I mean, also gorgeous eyes and legs to the fuckin moon but did I even need to say that? No, no I didn't. 11/10

TORBJORN. YES I SAID EVERYBODY. Now look. Everyone wants to talk shit because Torb is small which is a fuckin disability actually, and it gives him migraines and shit and it makes everything hard and it sucks for such a good dude. But I have two points here. One: he is an engineer. I have seen him work. The level of manual dexterity is fucking astrounding. Two: He has like eighty-leven fucking kids, so he is CLEARLY doing something right. 10/10 get you some old man

LENA. Is a doll, alright? Everybody knows that. But everything I said before about happy fun sex applies here. Like yes, super cute, got it, but she's just like. Fun and happy just to be around. Lena makes everything a good fuckin time and if anything should be a good time it's fuckin', right? 11/10 maybe 12 if she brings British chocolate

WINSTON. Yeah I know. I said everybody. But like, here's the thing. There's the obvious Not A Human issues. That's weird. And weird in a way it isn't with omnics because he's a thing we normally don't view as equal but he's special and separate. So I am not gonna say this in a like, of me way.

But here's the thing. Winston is just. Good. Better than any of us, seriously. And he's the reason we all ended up back here. The reason I ended up back here when I damn well don't deserve to be. I walked away from the best thing that ever happened to me like a fuckin' idiot because I was scared and you all just. Let me back in. Like I didn't stab every damn one of you in the back when y'all needed me most.

I deserved what I had. Being alone and scratching out a meal and on the run. All I was doing was reaping what I'd sown myself and now... this. Now I'm home again and you all just act like I didn't...

And Winston gave me this. What I didn't deserve the first time around and sure as hell didn't deserve a second chance at. I owe him everything. I owe him my damn life. Winston is good and kind and amazing and wonderful and I want him to be happy and have whatever he wants, and if that includes getting laid then by God I hope he finds it.

10/10.

Anyway.

ZARYA. Holy hot damn. Like, I understand submissiveness in bed and whatnot, I may not entirely feel it but I get it. But I've never quite gotten the like, actual physical roughness thing? Until now? Because I'm pretty sure I want her to punch me. Honestly I'm suprised Lena can hold a conversation with her without choking. 11/10

ZENYATTA. Yeah yeah y'all were waiting for this weren't you. And this was gonna be a pretty standard "lol vibrating robot parts" joke but a little while ago I was snifflin' into this shot glass and he put one of those happy orbs on me? And just... guys everything is so good. I love y'all a bunch and we're all here together, an' we're doin' good an' makin the world better and it's so good. An' it don't even feel fake-good like getting drunk and forgetting your problems, which I was failin' to do earlier. Just... like there's so much good stuff already in the world an' I just couldn't see it before. Anyway what I'm sayin' is bangin' Zen might be the path to eternal enlightenment. 11/10 align my chakras baby

AND THAT. Is the thing. Is the post. That I have spent like an hour on now? But everybody here is hot and I'm surprised I can goddamn function.