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tlbodine · 5 years ago

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A Plea for Some Non-Cringe Native American Representation

There’s something that has bothered me for a real long time, and I haven’t said anything because it didn’t really feel like my place to say it. But if pasty white folks across the country will insist on continuing to make these books and comics and movies, then I guess this pasty white girl can make a plea to do it better.

So. Here’s the deal. Native American representation in fiction sucks.

We’re going to talk about why, and then talk about some ways you can do it better. And it’s going to take a while, so join me under the cut.

PROBLEM #1: Erasure

The first problem with First Nations people being represented in fiction is that it, uh...doesn’t happen very often. It’s pretty rare for a show or movie or book to have a Native character, and even rarer for that character to exist without being a vehicle/mouthpiece for some kind of hamfisted message.

And, of course, Native characters who do show up in movies are sometimes played by non-Native actors, which is just. Um.

somebody fucking kill me I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

PROBLEM #2: The Same Stock Character Over and Over and Over

There’s this weird thing where TV shows have A Very Special Native American Episode(tm) where a Native American character shows up in a storyline designed to, idk, provide a tidy outlet for the viewer’s white guilt or something. I see this a lot in superhero stories for...some reason:

Batman and Chief Screaming Eagle (ok, it was the 1960s, surely things have gotten better right? oh...) who’s butting heads with a villain over a bad contract for, uh, the chief’s ancestral lands

There was the Buffy episode “Pangs” where a Chumash vengeance spirit is the villain-of-the day after being disturbed by some construction (and this is honestly one of the better treatments of the premise, at least the episode is well-written)

There was the Smallville episode with Kyla Willowbrook, the Kawatche Skinwalker (I know, I know) who for bonus points dies tragically in Clark’s arms (I KNOW) and who was deeply concerned with...with some construction...disturbing her sacred homesite...(this is starting to sound familiar)

And then there was The Flash episode where Barry is forced to fight with the complicated-yet-tragically-evil Native American activist woman whose crimes involve stealing cultural artifacts that belong to to the museum (yes I’m screaming) and also murdering people...y’know, for vengeance and stuff.

I could keep going but I really don’t think I have to. When your only representation of a culture is a character (frequently a smoking-hot member of the opposite sex to the hero) who is an ambiguous villain who is motivated by vengeance and/or justice over having their land/cultural artifacts disturbed, and who has a valid claim but is really going about it in the wrong way and whose tragic death and/or defeat really gives the white character something complex to think about for two seconds.... well. That’s more than a little racist.

PROBLEM #3: These Are Not Your Stories to Tell

You know what white people love doing?

They love appropriating Native culture! Seriously! They love it! And who can blame them, really? Native people have so much rich symbolism and mythology and cool clothes and neat aesthetics. Painted war ponies and buckskin dresses and shapeshifters and monsters, oh my! Indian burial grounds and vengeful spirits (oh for fuck sake enough with the vengeful Indian trope)

But here’s the deal:

The mythology you’re borrowing from belongs to a group of people who are still alive and sometimes practicing the religion you’re liberally reinterpreting

There is no such thing as a “Native American” myth. You’re talking about literally hundreds of different tribes who are culturally distinct from one another and have their own complex histories of interaction, diplomacy, war, friendship, etc. with one another for centuries before white folk got here. You erase all of that when you treat Native culture as a grab-bag of cool things you can mix and match to your liking.

Maybe, just a thought, stop it with the oppression narratives about activists and/or vengeful spirits who are real threatened by white people disturbing their homes? It’s not that there isn’t a lot to unpack in that -- I mean, white people really did conduct mass genocide against a race of people, for starters -- it’s just that this isn’t really your oppression narrative to tell.

It seems to me that folks writing about Native Americans don’t actually have any idea what Native people are like? They either think of them as anachronistic figures, an extinct and ancient group, or they think of them as people really hung up on their cultural past. Because maybe people can’t think of anything to do with a Native character other than use it as a vocal mouthpiece of one very specific part of their cultural oppression.

But please. Please stop. That is every bit as stupid and racist as making a Black character who only talks about slavery, or a Jewish character who only talks about the Holocaust, or giving all of your gay characters AIDS.

So what do you do instead?

Writing Native Characters in a Way That Does Not Suck - A Quick Primer

I can’t write a definitive guide on writing good Native representation, because there is no such guide, and if there were it would take a whole book probably, and I am not in any way even remotely an authority.

But I can give you some pointers that will help you.

(And to be honest, Native representation is so awful that the bar here is really super low, even just attempting a tiny bit is a really welcome breath of fresh air)

Choose a Tribe

Step one: Figure out what kind of Native people you’re writing about.

Because, as previously noted, Native People Are Not A Monoculture.

How do you pick a tribe? Well, start with geography. Where do you want the story to take place? Obviously people move around, so you can find folks outside of their ancestral lands, but they all started someplace, and a lot of people live where their parents and grandparents and cousins all live.

So where does your story take place? Pick a spot. Then find out what tribes live in that region. It’s not a secret. There are maps:

(Source: http://www.emersonkent.com/map_archive/native_american_tribes_map.htm)

Or maybe you want to go about this in a different way. Maybe you have a specific story idea in mind and you want to write it in a way that would be accurate and respectful. Cool! A good first step on that is to figure out what tribe actually does the thing you’re wanting to write about.

Skinwalkers, for example, originate in the Navajo Nation (Dine` people), although there are related myths from surrounding tribes in the area.

If you’re writing a story about Wendigo, then you should know those myths originate with the Algonquin people of Quebec and Ontario.

If you’re writing something with spiritually significant buffalo, you should probably choose a culture that actually interacted with buffalo -- ie, a Plains Indian tribe like the Lakota-Sioux people.

And so on and so forth.

(Note that this is only the first step. You still have to do a lot of research after this to be sure you’re doing everything properly and respectfully. And, y’know, maybe reconsider if you actually want to tell a story respecting that mythology, or if you just want to sound cool and exotic)

Also, personal preference: Please don’t make your characters Cherokee if you’re just going for “character with Native ancestry.” Please choose a different tribe. For a lot of complicated (and sometimes surprisingly racist) reasons, white people have been claiming Cherokee heritage for a long time, and even when it’s true, it feels cheap and cringey in fiction. If you want to tell a story about the Trail of Tears or something set in Tahlequa, Oklahoma, great! Write Cherokee characters! But if you just want a Native American character for other reasons...pick a different tribe.

Choose a Name

Fun fact: Modern Native people that you meet out on the street don’t have names like “Stands With Fists” or “Running Bear.”

If you have an impulse to name your character any kind of descriptive “adjective + animal” name...just don’t. Please. And don’t go to BehindTheName or some other random site to pick out something that “sounds” Native.

Names in other cultures are tricky. Some (but not all!) Native people may have a cultural tradition of having multiple names, including naming ceremonies (often as a rite of passage in adolescence). Some tribes have clan names. Everybody’s different. But these special names are culturally sensitive, often sacred, and are not a thing readily accessible to white people. White folks spent centuries trying to wipe out Indigenous people’s belief systems; they deserve to have some things kept private and sacred.

So what I’m getting at here is that white writers really, really should not touch on the “Indian naming ceremony” trope at all if they can help it, because it’s gonna be real hard to get the details right, and getting the details wrong is going to make you sound like an ignorant racist. And most of the time, it’s not really that important to a story.

Most contemporary Native people have regular English names. They may also have tribal names and clan names (that they may or may not share with outsiders). But lots of tribal members don’t, and that doesn’t make them any less Native.

My recommendation for naming your Native characters? Find real people from the time period, tribe, and region you’re writing in. Find a phone book or newspaper from a town on or near a reservation for your chosen tribe. Look at names of participants in powwows. Look at the sports rosters for Native schools. Look at historical records like census data from the year you’re writing about. Don’t just make things up.

** One Note: You know how “black” names are a thing? You encounter a similar sort of thing in some contemporary Native Americans. I grew up with a lot of kids who had “weird” names like Kirby, Sheriden, Baskerville, Sterling and Precious. (and by “weird” I mean “names middle-class white people don’t tend to use”). There’s also a lot of black-sounding names in Native populations. There’s some complex reasons behind this, and a lot of sociology of naming, and I won’t spend too much time on it right now but just...so you know. It’s a thing.

Write a Human Being

This really is the biggest thing, and it’s true of every writing you do, all the time, no matter what: Write a real person and not a caricature.

Native people are people first. Their cultural heritage affects them the way anyone else’s culture does. The things they eat, wear, do, believe, the stories they know, etc. are all affected. But Native people don’t have a responsibility to be walking representatives of their tribes. And they definitely shouldn’t be a vessel for white guilt.

(Fun fact: “Iron Eyes Cody,” maybe best known for the “Crying Indian” role in a commercial about pollution, was an Italian-American born Espera Oscar de Corti)

Here’s a really, really good article I found while working on this rant that might be of interest to you as wellas you set out on this quest: https://mashable.com/2015/03/24/american-indians-tv/

I still have so much to say on this topic, and maybe I’ll write more in the future, but this is already very long so I’ll stop. I hope this has been at least a little bit helpful for y’all. Go forth and write non-terrible characters, I beg of you.

*Disclaimer: I am not a Native person and do not claim any special knowledge or ownership of Native culture, and I beg you to please listen to Native voices when possible in your creative endeavors. I’m just a gal who happened to have spent most of my life living near reservations and growing up around Native people and having Native friends and being taught about historical cultures by my mother who has a degree in Southwest Studies and has done a lot of formal and informal research due to her own interests in the topic.

If you found this article helpful at all, please consider dropping a tip in my tip jar.

I also have a book coming out! You can pre-order it now! It features a main character of mixed heritage, New Mexico reservation border towns, and zombies trying to get by like everybody else.

Pre-Order now on B&N: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/river-of-souls-t-l-bodine/1131956124

Or on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/River-Souls-T-L-Bodine/dp/1950305015

Or from the publisher: http://journalstone.com/bookstore/river-of-souls/?fbclid=IwAR14Qna5tMgWBV0We2uGSLreBkmyvZ5SoDAzPQpTKeFn4JR4PWSyKGl0VEo

Or add it to your Goodreads library: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/46183381-river-of-souls

#how to write #writing advice #native americans #cultural appropriation #representation #long post #but please do read it #I worked on this all day

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dreadhaus-literature · 5 years ago

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{A/N} Waiting on the Sun to Rise.

Oh how I wish that ol’ sun would rise~♫

youtube

I wrote a bit. {Points down.} It’s nothing special, 2nd POV just ‘cause idk what’s going on with anything again and it feels weird to try and write dedicated pieces when stuff’s off. {Waves a hand in a circle.} Said it before, but this time I’m trying not to let it keep me from writing. Used to use that as an excuse to not write or do anything but I keep saying if I keep that up I’ll literally never do anything and I’m in my 30′s, now.

I’m ready to do stuff. And so I’m gonna do stuff.

I’ve been reading “The Writer’s Process” by Anne Janzer, which was recommended to authors who want to know how to prep for writing seriously, sort of like a “how to get started writing novels” 101 book. It had really good reviews on Amazon and I’m on Chapter Five right now. It’s only about 200 pages long, if that, but it’s honestly really useful. It’s got good tips on balancing work/personal life with trying to write (like you have to actually dedicate time to write, can’t just expect to write a novel on wishful thinking) or how to help stimulate creativity. It includes tidbits and tips from psychologists who have done studies on the best way to tackle creative processes like writing so you can get the most out of your writing; it’s really been a helpful tool. The chapter I’m on right now talks about tackling procrastination, lmao, and how to self-discipline--which I have said is one of my biggest problems. I make excuses, I find reasons to not write, I let myself get distracted, but I’ve been saying all year I’m tired of looking back on the year before and spying all the wasted time and just sighing @ myself.

There’s no excuse other than me being lazy and/or making excuses. The older I get, the less forgiving I get with myself about it.

My 20′s I am now realizing was really not a good time for me to try and get published, I’m sort of allowing myself a pass because now that I’m out of that decade, I realize I was working through a lot of shit. I was still dealing with abuse into my late 20′s and while no one’s life is perfect I recognize that I wasn’t in a good enough headspace to dig deep and write well. My emotions are 97% of my writing and they weren’t right. Now that I’m in a better place in all aspects (still working on the living situation, but got less than a year to go, there) I can shelve the self-reflective work and start trying to make something of this talent and imagination I’ve got.

I don’t really know where this aggressive, ��I am going to write.” mojo has come from. I mean I’ve always, always known I wanted to be an author but it was sort of a hobby more than a career. I wasn’t taking it seriously and there’s probably lots of reasons for that--

1. Was dealing with depression and teetering on finding any self-worth enough to try to make something of myself. 2. Been told from a young age that I was not good enough and to give up/not bother trying because I won’t make it. 3. Afraid of failure and the resulting, “I told you so”‘s.

So yeah. I just hid behind fanfiction and sprinkling my OC’s and plotlines through fandom work, which allowed me to express what I wanted to express without fear of failure or putting myself out there. But that’s not enough, at least...I don’t know. I’ll always have a heavy preference for writing for FL and Monica and stuff, but I treat that like...hm. Almost like a treat? It’s a treat for me. To give something of myself to someone I love very much. Her reactions will always be my favorite.

Stepping outside of that, though, fanfiction stopped being enough for me a number of years ago. It was too confining, I had so many ideas and characters and themes and stuff I wanted to put out there that I didn’t want to work in a confined space anymore. Y’know that saying, “Of course you’re uncomfortable and unhappy where you are--you’ve grown, you’ve changed, you are no longer that person. It’s time to move on.”

I feel that.

It was like wearing a pair of shoes that were too small. Yes, I could wear them and get somewhere, but not the distance I needed, and wanted to go. My hopes of being published haven’t gone away. I’m scared to try still, lol, I know my writing’s good, it’s the one thing I know I’m good at, but the way I want to do it is different than the norm. In a way, selfishly, I feel like Christine. She was one of the only people writing paranormal romance when she started, and she’s said how she had to push and push to get her publisher to take a chance on her work, that she knew she had something good and she didn’t give up on it. And now, we have the Carpathians. ♥ I’m somewhat in the same boat with wanting to write 2nd POV. I’m totally capable of making a heroine and giving her a name and backstory but I know what I like to read when I read fanfiction. 2nd POV. It’s more personal, it resonates, and tbh it helped me through some really difficult parts of my life. I want to return that to my readers. To give them that personal immersion that 2nd POV provides. But those aren’t the books that are published.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t have a novel finished or anything, lmao. I just, it’s one of my fears. That I’ll write this novel in 2nd POV and not be able to get it published...but I suppose I should cross the first part of that particular problem before anything else. Can’t fret about being published if there ain’t shit TO publish, DOT.

I’ve got a few novel ideas. Milano hasn’t gone away, lol. He still lurks about, like he’s just waiting for me to get my ass in gear and actually write his book properly.

...I really did sort of just use Yu Yu Hakusho to sort of write my own practice novel of Milano’s, lmao, if I’m being honest. I mean I did also want to go the hipster route and write for Yusuke because he was so under-loved in the community and I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t subjugating favoritism but truthfully I wanted to let Milano loose. I was proud of him, proud of the story and world I’d created around him, and I needed an outlet for it and was too young to know what to do with what I had. Was fucking 18 years old, fresh out of high school, and in way over my head honestly. Now that I’m matured, older, and my ADHD isn’t kicking my brain around like a pinball machine, I think I can do him proper justice.

So yes, Milano, I will still be writing your novel. Just uh, don’t ask me when. Baby steps.

I also have Bram’s story that I wrote 20 some odd pages of outline and prep work on, that I fully intended to novelize. And I still think I have something there, so hold onto your obsession, Bram. You’re up on the board, too.

The most recent idea I had was for a series of novels, called Help Wanted. It actually started from the most recent story I wrote for Monica, where she delivered those specialized herbs to Milano. I essentially work in a service industry and it got me thinking about how I like to take care of people, that you don’t typically see that in romance novels. Usually the heroine is the one being taken care of and while I won’t object to that, I also like to do the taking care of. And it’s not an itch I get to scratch a lot, when I read. So I have been tossing around this series of novels where the heroine of each book is a caregiver of some sorts, taking care of the love interest in some way, shape, or form.

For example, the idea I came up with today was for a human nanny (the reader) who gets hired by a vampire to take care of his child after his wife was staked/murdered. The vampire is hopeless as a father and needs all the help he can get, and his child needs a proper caregiver. The nanny comes highly recommended and to make matters worse, when shown a list of potential caregivers the child picks her out of all the other candidates. The vampire is wary of allowing a human in his home but he’s rewarded when his little one flourishes under the love and attention the new nanny brings. Can the vampire come to trust and love one of the very same who killed his late wife?

Another idea I had was for a bubbly housekeeper/caregiver who comes to care for a depressed zombie/undead. The undead can barely take care of themselves and the caregiver was hired by a Wellness Committee, who keep tabs on supernaturals (think like child or elder protective services). The undead wants nothing to do with life but can’t die--but maybe, just maybe, with a little bit of TLC from their caregiver they can learn to live again. Happily, with the one who truly saved their soul.

Obviously don’t judge me too harshly, I’m literally like two days into this idea, lmao. It’s rough around the edges, like super rough, but it’s something that speaks to me. It’d be sort of like the Carpathians as in like, a shared universe, with all sorts of different love interests per novel--it’d be paranormal so there’d be monsters and demons and ghosts, weres and mers and just--maybe even superheroes! Or that could be a spin-off series or just--

See it’s just a lot and it’s all brand new and I’m still working all this out.

BUT! What’s exciting to me is that I have ideas, still. I still want to write, I’m still living in this creative, imaginary headspace and I’m still wanting to share that world. I think I’ll just always be this person, and that’s not a complaint. I’m glad. Imaginary places got me through my childhood and tbh it’s what’s getting me through this hectic shit we call adulthood.

I’ve been saying, all year, that I’m going to keep going and I’ll probably keep saying it. I’m still working a lot of stuff out, still figuring out my writing process and I need to get back to writing every day (I did it for the first three months of the year so I know I can do it) so that when the time comes for me to sit down and write for Milano, for Bram, for Help Wanted--

That I’ll still be ready to go. 💕

#{A/N} : commentary #{A/N} : ideas

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invelleity · 6 years ago

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psst. be honest. all of the questions. go.

i can’t believe jeanette is tryina kill me in public and i’m still love her??? | not accepting anymoooore | @ltbroccoli

cracks knuckles here we go ( odd numbers 1-9 are here )

2. Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why?

Not very. It’s fun and cute and all, but I care a whole lot more about “clicking” with people and having fun writing with them.

Exception: If someone’s aesthetic is so overblown that I can’t even find the pages on the blog or read the text, I.....won’t interact with that tbh.

4. How do you explain rp to someone in the real world?

(kicks down my roommate’s door at 10pm) “OK so I’m writing— stop screaming, it’s me,— I’m writing a character in Security and you’re like a double black belt or some shit, can you explain how—”

( My roommates all know it’s a thing I do but I’ve never sent them a link or shown them any of the actual writing. They’ve met a bunch of y’all over like Rabbit streams and @rumdaydreams irl though so like.... They Know. )

More under the cut

6. Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

Ehhh, depends on my mood. I lean towards female muses in general ( definitely got a bigger chunk of ladies on my list, for sure for sure ) but I love my boys.

8. Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

Uhhhh A) We’re all such dumb socially awkward blobs so it’s often hard to get to know new people.

B) The feel that if you have a good relationship with one person who writes a canon muse, it’s some kind of lowkey betrayal to write with other people who write the same muse??

C) How much I, a certified card-carrying dumbass, stress myself out about posting on a “regular” schedule. Does that count? Like I want the blogs to look “presentable” lmao and me@me Calm The Fuck Down.

10. Have you ever had a bad experience with commissions? As either someone who makes them or as someone who buys them?

N / A

11. What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

Uhhhh, when I first started was long enough ago and the community was so different a lot of those lessons no longer apply. I wish when I finally jumped over to Tumblr I’d realized quicker how the new like....basic ways of meeting people and posting and all worked, which was mostly just a “calm down and go with the flow more, let go of your stupid rigid old habits” lmaooo.

12. Have you been involved in drama? Do you regret it?

yES. Yeah. Hahaha ha h.

But ummm, not usually. No. Most of my drama has been either A) me posting the very very softest, most diluted version of barely-touching on my politics and my real goddamn life and people being fuckin butthurt as hell about or B) cutting people who were toxic and draining out of my life. So.

13. Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

cw suicidal ideation ment

Yeah. Once I actually did — when I started college I just didn’t have the time, so I peaced from the larger community to just write with close friends for a while. I’ve also considered leaving the T.umblr RPC a few times, but really only because of long bad depressive episodes. Coming back and “not wanting to literally die irl ha Ha” and catching up with my drafts gets me back on track lmao.

14. Do you think rp has had a positive or negative affect on your life or you as a person?

Positive! Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time wrapped up in fiction and miss my real life, but I’ve learned to keep my time more separate so now it’s just good to have a healthy hobby that makes me happy. Also I’m definitely a much better writer for it, and there a lot of networking skills I think translate to real workplace skills so it’s 👌

15. How has rp changed you personally?

See above, tbh. And it gives me a lot of good outlets for writing ideas that would otherwise stew in my head until I hated myself for never ever writing any lmao. It’s good.

16. If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why?

Oh, I dunno. I wish I could post replies from mobile more easily, god. That’d keep me a lot more on top of my drafts lmao.

17. Have you ever sent a message to yourself on anon? Why?

Not on any of the rp blogs. ;^)

18. Have you ever sent hate to yourself on anon? Why?

No, wtf

19. Do you delete anon hate or post and address it? Why?

Depends on the hate — things I feel need to be addressed or I want to be clear about not tolerating I’ll post. Personal hate and mean shit I delete.

Or if it’s stupid and makes me laugh I will definitely post that shit.

20. Have you ever felt pressured to write something you weren’t comfortable with?

Sometimes. If a partner is actually pressuring me I’m real good at saying uhhh hey, fuck off about that? but sometimes partners will perfectly-innocently be enthusiastic about things I’m not super comfortable with and that’s harder to bring up. So it’s..... more like I pressure myself, whoops.

21. Have you ever followed someone because you felt like you had to, not because you wanted to?

Ehh. Not really. Sometimes I’ll follow a friend of a friend despite lack of interest just because, like.... My friends are smart and good, maybe I’m just not getting the right “vibe” from their blog as who really they are. Sometimes that just means we never click and I unfollow them later. Or sometimes @rumdaydreams drags me straight to mutual hell and we write 20,000 unfinished bullshit and meet irl and she actually talks me into wholeass new blogs and muses. So, you know. Mix bag.

22. What would make you block someone?

Red flags for manipulation and lowgrade emotional a.buse, especially ones I viscerally feel in my stomach from previous experiences. Obvious r.ight-leaning politics ( Weirdly, I’m not particularly comfortable around people who don’t think I or my friends deserve to be treated like human beings! A character quirk, haha! )

Also ngl sometimes I block people just to remind myself I’ve followed them before and I don’t wanna re-follow them six times and look like I’m trying to intentionally harass them. My memory is bad but the block button always knows, lmao. 😅

23. Have you ever stolen something from someone else?

Not intentionally — I try very hard not to steal hc from duplicates or take plots without asking. But, y’know, sometimes an idea sticks in your head and you eventually just forget where it originally came from.

24. Have you ever had something stolen from you? If so, how did you handle it?

Not that I’m aware of.

25. Are you open to duplicates? Why / why not?

Absolutely, for the most part! I like seeing other perspectives, and especially since @thewrongsorts is such a bigass multi it lowkey just makes my life easier.

There are a few exceptions — less because they’re duplicates and more because there are hc/fanon I just......dislike enough I don’t wanna write with them. Not a feeling that’s limited to duplicates tbh.

26. How do you feel about vague posting?

Ehhh. It’s like not a great thing, but I get the appeal. I tend to unfollow if someone posts a lot of it because then they’re just passive-aggressive as a person, but the occasional vagueblog I don’t mind. Sometimes you gotta get shit off your chest but you don’t wanna make it a wholeass call-out, I get it.

27. Do you follow people even if they don’t follow you back?

Generally I unfollow. I’m here to write, if we’re not interacting it’s clogging my dash. ( Honestly I unfollow mutuals eventually if we never write.... ) But very occasionally someone’s got such good #takes and hc that I stick around just bc I stan.

28. Do you read people’s rules before following or interacting?

A l w a y s.

29. What is your opinion on “reblog karma” and do you practice it?

It’s nice! Like.... I wouldn’t require anyone to do it, but it makes people feel better about their blogs, it’s polite. I know I’m happier getting memes as well as passing them along. You know, be social. Connect with people. I always try to practice it, yeah.

30. How have you responded to popular slang used on tumblr? Do you use it in every day life? Do you use it at all?

Uhhh, yeah. My irl social circles are a lot of dumb gay millennials, we use a lot of dumb internet slang.

31. Is there something you don’t know the meaning of but you haven’t asked anyone because you think it’s supposed to be general knowledge?

Oh yeah! Joined Tumblr rpc ten years late with Starbucks! But also like.... I’m a web developer. 90% of my irl workskills are being good at Googlin’ shit. So I’ve pretty much always found the answer on my own, at least. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

32. Was there ever something you had to ask someone to explain?

( See above. )

33. Have you ever experienced discrimination?

Here or irl or....? I mean yes in any case, but much less often in the rpc specifically. This blog is a lot less outspoken ( both about politics or about who I....am....generally ) than most of my others or me irl.

Shoutout to that time I complained one (1) time about how copacetic the H.arry P.otter rpc is and an actual irl n.eon.azi jumped in my inbox lmaooooooo.

34. How do you feel about personal blogs following your rp blog?

Uhhh, I don’t love it? But if they mostly chill and don’t fuck with my actual threads I usually ignore them. ¯\_( ‘ ‘ )_/¯

35. Have you ever cried while writing a reply?

No. I’m not like......good at crying. 😐

36. Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own?

Depends on the blog. Some multis I follow are in fandoms I just like don’t even understand, so I don’t read those. Sometimes I just don’t got the energy. But I read a lot of my friends’ other threads or threads on blogs I stan.

Good writing is good shit and I’m.....a big 👀 bitch. Tbh.

37. What’s one thing that other people seem to hate that doesn’t bother you?

Call-out posts, bringing real life politics into rp, generally acknowledging that we have lives outside of the fictional world that affect how we read and interact with fiction.

( 👏 The O.rder 👏👏 of the 👏 P.hoenix 👏👏 is A.ntif.a 👏👏👏 )

I don’t want to ever push that onto other people though, definitely. (Especially people affected by terrifying irl politics and coming here for escapism. )

38. How do you feel about tagging triggers? Do you tag them? How do you determine what is triggering content and what isn’t?

Always 👏👏 tag 👏👏 fucking 👏 triggers 👏👏👏

I tag things that are common or obviously upsetting, and if someone asks I add whatever tags they need to my list — the “list” is mostly a mental tally so I occasionally fuck up, but god I feel strongly about triggers.

Let 👏 people 👏 who are hurting 👏👏 live. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

39. What advice would you give to someone new to rp?

Poking around to see how other people seem to “operate” and scrolling through posts about how to get started is so so so fucking helpful! Don’t be afraid to do it!

Also reach out to people as much as you can work up the spoons to. If they’re rude back to you, like..... They were never worth your time anyhow. You dodged a bullet.

( Value yourself 2k19 )

#i clearly numbered something wrong in there but uhhhhh oh well.#jeanette tag #answered #ask games #mun stuff #rpc #lonnnnngass post #under the cut #long post for ts #oh jeannete i.....love you #icb i answered all of these #what a day to be alive #icb i ended up tagging kate in this TWICE #kate tag #ltbroccoli

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monkeymindscream · 6 years ago

Note

For the fandom + ships thing—SRMTHFG? The question didn’t specify but I’m interested in both your romantic + platonic/familial ships!

God bless you my dude you rock. :D

True to form I rambled way more than Ineeded to here, and… I’m sorry for that. I love ships, what can I say?

PLATONIC

The entire Hyperforce as a whole, obvs, but I’ll throw outsome faves for the sake of specificity:

Sprx & Gibson – I’m a sucker for pals who’ll rib on eachother endlessly but who unfailingly have each other’s backs.

Nova & Otto – Because they’re fuckin’ CUTIES.

Gibson & Otto – Their friendship probably has the bestdevelopment out of any in the series fight me.

Chiro & Sprx – The protective older bro dynamic Sprx haswith this kid more like TAKE MY LIFE.

Sprx & Nova – I ship them to heaven and back, AND THEIRFRIENDSHIP IS A BIG REASON WHY.

And of course, Chiro & Antauri – If I have to sayanything here you clearly haven’t watched the show.

I also adore any and all platonic/familial relations betweenthe monkeys and Mandarin (to no one’s surprise) whether it be past-tense or anAU. Antauri & Mandarin in particular, but I talk about those two a lot as it is.

Moving away from the Team (and into some definitely non-canon, AU-ish waters):

Chiro & Mandarin – If anyone could get this jerk tochill it’d be this kid. And I’m not just referring to the original here. This kid is also the only one who has even the tiniest hope of looking at Mandy and the team’s situation with eventhe smallest amount of objectiveness (I mean obviously he’d start with some biasin his friends favor, but I trust this kid’s ability to go “waaaait a sec” andcall out both parties if necessary, I believe in him).

Valina & Nova – This is mostly just because neither ofthem have very good anger management, and honestly I think they’re interactionswould be to die for. Valina would be an absolutely appalling influence, but mayhaps we could also flip it and say thatNova would be a good influence?

Sakko & Jin May – We don’t see all that much of Sakko,but I’ve always imagined him as a vessel of limitless cynicism and bitternesswhen he’s not intentionally trying to be cutesy. Pair that up with Jin May and you’ve got instant hilarity.Also their loose history means there’s already tooth to gain traction on whenimagining scenarios.

Valina & Skelemandarin – Look I know, I know that literally all these two didwhenever they shared a screen together was spew venom at each other. I know. And I kind of wouldn’t changethat, to be honest, because I kind of love that about their relationship. The.They verbal sniping, anyway. The physical stuff Valina does could. Y’know. Stop, maybe. At the same time I can’timagine either of them ever actually had a healthy, friendly relationshipwith anyone (actually, I don’t imagine Valinaever had a healthy friendly relationship; I know Mandy II hasn’t, since he’s a clone and all). And… what’s the quote? “Necessity breedsingenuity”? Kinda like that, but maybe more like “desperation to have asingular sorry outlet of affection or even stable interaction in general breedstolerance and with luck and a bit of pixie dust, eventual companionship.” Plus I getthe feeling they would gossip/talk shit about other people to eachother endlessly if they ever actuallystarted getting along, which is almost kind of cute, in my opinion.

And then for the last platonic before I move on, SK/Alchemist& the monkeys + Cap’n Shuggazoom. The fam that started it all.

ROMANTIC

There’s a lot of overlap between my platonic and romanticships, so I’ll try not to repeat myself too much:

Sprx/Nova – The classic. I love these guys. Good banter withlots of cute moments to show they care in between. Good chemistry.

Gibson/Otto – They balance eachother out, but not necessarily in the ways that would be expected. It’s not “Gibson’s smart and Otto’s dumb” or “Gibson’s Serious and Otto isSilly.” They both have their moments of seriousness and silliness, and theformer is just blatantly wrong. To me it’s more like “Gibson thinks with hishead and Otto thinks with his heart, and together they help each other fill inthe spaces between.”

Mandarin/Antauri – You bet your whole entire ASS I ship thisromantically as well as platonically!! Mix in everything that’s good about thembeing friends with them being awkward and nervous because “how do romance??what???” Because oi Xan was a douchenozzle, look me in the eye and tell me you can’tpicture him going “romantic attachment bars the path totrue enlightenment, you’ll never become true masters of the Power Primate byindulging in such. Also if you so much as THINK about kissing you’ll probably catchan STD and then die. ABSTINENCE,” to two smol impressionable monkey students. Mandarin goes and files any kind of affection under the heading of “waste of time” andAntauri tries to detach himself from everyone. For this to work they’d have to first acknowledge how lonely this thinking leaves them and then work through these issues t o g e t h e r aaaahh. Also. Either after everything goes to shit or before theyget to the cute awkward parts: foe-yay. Mother of God, foe-yay. I have literallypicked up a book series (which was kind of crap, honestly) and LOVED it solelybecause it gave me my fix of foe-yay. Mix that in to something I already loveand I’m weak I’M WEAK.

Valina/Skelemandarin – Same as above, combine everything I said Iloved about them being friends, and mix it in with some cute shit. I know this onecomes with some hurdles (Valina kinda has the hots for their boss and is thenkinda dead, their relationship ishorribly toxic, they’re completely different species, etc.) but lord knows I’vebeen running this course so long I could jump ‘em blindfolded: Obviously thisis a ship for an AU of sorts, either one where Valina manages to stick aroundto pester Mandy after her death or one where she never died in the first place.Next, half the fun of ships (for meanyway) is looking at how the one person could trigger development in theother, and then the journey they go on together to bring about that developmentand grow closer (i.e. give me enough time in a fic and I can drainthe toxicity out of this bitch of a ship). Finally… Valina’s a witch, and this is a cartoon.Bullshit some magic or shapeshift the desired party into a species to match theother one. There you go. Hurdles cleared.

These are all I can think of for now. These are all of the BIGones, at least. If anyone shares any of these and wants to bullshit about themfor a while hit me up.

#srmthfg #muttering about monkeys #thanks again for the ask!#ladycravenheart

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sharphoe · 6 years ago

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Interview As Your Character: David Carrigan

via @wordsnstuff – The idea of this game is to answer these 20 questions in character in order to develop aspects of your character that are difficult to flesh out in other ways. Have fun with it and be creative, but remember to stay in character. It’s a fun little writing/development/immersion exercise that really pays off. Enjoy!

1. How do you like to spend your free time? I run, mostly. I like the time alone and it keeps me in something that almost resembles good shape. I also listen to music (who doesn’t, though?) and I also started trying my hand at photography recently. Can’t write or draw worth a damn, but Liam figured I could use a creative outlet.

2. What is your relationship with your immediate family members? Pass.

...I can’t?

Ugh, fine. I’m still trying to help my mom get past all the emotional abuse my now ex-dad heaped on her over the years. As for him? Fuck him. He burned that bridge all on his own, I don’t owe him shit. Next question. Please.

3. If you inherited a large sum of money, how would you approach handling it? How much money are we talking? However much it is, the only real answer I can give here is that I wouldn’t be stupid with it. I’ve seen firsthand how quickly you can piss it away if you aren’t careful. 4. Who are you closest to in your life? Hmmm. My best friends? My boyfriend? The man who saved my life? Depends on how you define that closeness. They’re all irreplaceable to me in their own ways, 5. What is your most painful memory? *Sigh*... Pretty sure I’ve never had it worse than when I was tricked, beaten, nearly murdered, beaten AGAIN, disowned, and driven to attempt suicide... all in the span of 24 hours. But, y’know, I could try to think of something else. 6. What is your happiest memory? Well, a lot of moments with Fred and Howie come to mind, but I think the week-long road trip we all took together is pretty high up there. Haven’t felt that free since, y'know? 7. Describe your experience in an education system, if any. Uh... I guess the thing that sticks out is when I was in middle school. Kids had finally reached the age where knowing that I was the son of someone slightly famous wasn’t just a neat bit of trivia. So of course people started to try to be my “friend” to get autographs or money out of it. This continued until his forced retirement... then suddenly those so-called friends were too busy to hang out or talk anymore. And people wonder why I have trust issues.

8. What is your biggest fear and why are you so afraid of it? Besides dying alone, obviously, my biggest fear is bees. Why?I was attacked by a swarm of them as a kid. Someone thought it would be funny to throw a rock at a hive I was standing near, and the rest speaks for itself. Thank God I’m not allergic. 9. To what extent do you believe in hate? Not gonna lie, hate can be a powerful motivator. That drive to show some bully or smartass so-and-so who’s boss by showing them up and doing what they say you can’t? It has its uses, as long as you aren’t consumed by it. 10. To what extent do you believe in love? You’re gonna have to excuse for getting sappy here, but... love is what saved me when I needed it most. And not even romantic love, but the platonic love one man could have for almost everyone he meets. Even when they yell at him, doubt him to his face, and generally act like an inconsolable shithead... sigh. I owe Peter everything for not giving up on me. His love opened my eyes.

11. What is the number one personal rule you have for yourself? “Trust, but verify.” 12. If you saw a picture of yourself, what is the first place you would look? First thing I’d look at (besides my big nose) is what I was wearing that day. 13. How would you describe yourself? I’d say that I’m the kind of guy who would like to be more chill than he actually is. Life just doesn’t really give me the chance. I just want to be left alone to do the things I like doing in peace. Really though, don’t start shit for no reason and I can generally say I’d be cool with you. 14. How would others describe you? “Moody”, “antisocial”, “hard to read”, “unapproachable”, I’ve even gotten “emo” once or twice. Of course, that was only after the money dried up. 15. What do you believe is your greatest weakness? Probably that I have issues with positive thinking. I keep my enthusiasm curbed and my expectations low - cautiously pessimistic, you could say. ...I’m working on it.

16. What do you believe is your greatest strength? You can almost always count on me to give it to you straight... intentionally or not. I don’t like to lie, and not just because I’m bad at it. You can be pretty sure that if I tell you something, I mean it, and that kind of honesty can be hard to come by. 17. What makes you get out of bed everyday? The fact that I got a new lease on life, and I’m not about to waste it. No matter how bad a day could be, I just remember that I might not have had the chance to see it.

18. What is the major challenge you face every single day? I dunno, finding my path for the future, I guess. Just because I have the rest of my life to live doesn’t mean I suddenly know what I want to do with it. So I’m... just gonna do my best. And I’ll see what I can do about helping others out along the way. 19. If you could give a message to your younger self, what would it be? “Things are going to break down for you, hard and fast. You’re gonna want to give up and let it all fall apart around you.

Don’t.”

20. What is it that you want most? Honestly, I don’t really know what I “want” most. I have my (relative) health, my friends, my boyfriend, and a fresh start. I’m content. And I think I just want to give that some time to sink in.

#shar's character stuff #wordsnstuff

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denouxments · 6 years ago

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dylan minnette. cismale. he/him. — did you see { alex mercier }, i haven’t seen the { twenty-one } year old in a while! you know, they’re a { musician }, and have been living in jersey city for { twenty-one years }. some say they're { cynical & indecisive }, but i think they're { generous & talented }. regardless, i’m glad { alex } is here.

backstory

aaaaaand in the door to the right we have trash son #2, alex !! ( woo ! ahh ! ) you can find his dossier page HERE, his biography does not exist yet ( i’m gonna kick my own ass ), and there is a pinterest board for him HERE.

ok so boy is a middle child through and through LOL. his dad is a writer who also works as an english professor at new york university, meanwhile his mom works in human services helping people who have fallen off their track in life and stuff.

alex is essentially a male carbon copy of his mom in appearance but his personality is 100% his dad’s lmao

his siblings are a wanted connection !

also his household includes a deaf cat named shrimp that alex literally fished out of a gutter when he was 14. she’s his baby despite the fact that he’s mildly allergic to both cats AND shrimp ( i r o n i c ). here’s the instagram of the cat i’m saying she looks like

real mundane middle class life. there have been highs and lows like any other family, but there’s no tragedy here folks ! that comes later and has nothing to do with his family !

his dad was really into rock music and playing the drums when he was younger cuz wow the 80s and really wanted at least one of his kids to have good taste in music, so he kept the drum set and all the old records despite the fact that they were just collecting dust in the garage . . . until alex came along !

first was the drums, then it was the guitar, then it was being dual-enrolled in both the band and choir classes, and then, finally, it was starting his own band with 2 friends at only 11 years old

his dad got real lucky cuz alex clearly loved music, and he considers the 80s to be legendary.

i'm gonna revisit his music in a moment cuz we gotta start getting into the tragedy that i mentioned ! so alex was like a really chill dude when high school started. he was a bit of a pretentious hipster bitch, but he was chill. he didn’t really say no to things ? like if something or someone just fell into his lap, he’d roll with it and didn’t really think too much about the consequences ? he was a big stoner and lost his virginity and probably way too young of an age because of it. he just didn’t really Care too much lol

he was essentially that quiet stoner that played his guitar in the courtyard and didn’t pay much attention to anything going on around him

. . . unless he overheard you talking about something that was stupid or he didn’t agree with. then he’d butt in to be like “l o l that’s wrong !”

then he met molly ! if you’ve read chloe’s intro for bobbi you know molly ! we love molly ! molly was cute in that girl-next-door way and she was funny with good taste. it was hard for alex not to fall in love with her, really. they were friends first before they started dating, and it was through her that he met all of his current ride-or-die friends. he had never been good at making them, so she was a blessing for his social life. she was amazing. he loved her, his parents loved her, they were good. she was good and then she was gone. just like that. a car accident in which she wasn’t even the driver.

to say the loss devastated him would be an understatement. he shut down completely. he stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing guitar in the courtyard; his presence in class was like that of a ghost. nobody ever knew what to say to alex before, and it was twice as true now. he just sort of Existed for the remainder of junior year, throwing himself into his studies instead of ever really taking the Time to Deal with it all.

it really hit him like a truck when summer hit and it was at this point that his parents forced him to start seeing a therapist.

his therapist recommended he use his band and music as an outlet, since that seemed to be his healthiest coping mechanism. ( see, i told you we’d get back to that ! ) taking this advice, he threw himself headfirst into it. like, he got really into his band. it’d been a bit of a hobby between friends before, and sometimes they worked small gigs, but now alex was also trying to produce them on a bigger scale. this helped him through his grief tremendously, especially because if felt like he was doing molly proud.

alex was 18 and had graduated when all this hard work paid off. after releasing a self-made ep entitled after molly, the band started gaining some serious traction. we’re talking getting featured on spotify’s indie hits lists and their fanbase skyrocketing in size from the couple hundred monthly listeners it had been. suddenly they were getting booked sold out indie gigs left and right all across the manhatten area. it was nuts and it is still nuts. they even have a well demanded

they’ve put out a 2nd ep since the initial takeoff and are now working on a full blown album ! exciting !

so, yeah, that’s definitely an exciting exchange for being utterly heartbroken i suppose. its been years since molly passed now, so he’s okay now for the most part. he still gets sad sometimes, and he still has all the pictures they took together and all the cheesy playlists they made for each other saved. she’s always gonna be the first girl he was ever in love with,, and i don’t think he’s yet to have a serious relationship since her, but don’t worry about him just being a clay jensen 2.0. my boy is faaaar from that and he’s had his grace period, y’know ? he good.

personality

fuuuucking hiiiiipster buuuuullshiiiit ! coffee and vinyl aesthetic all day bby. will call out your shit taste in music

loves to debate and argue semantics. will always play devils advocate even if he agrees with you 100%. also will go on for hours about the political climate and existence if you accidentally get him there

a bit antisocial. he doesn’t really know how to, like, approach people ? and then when people approach him he has a tendency to rub people the wrong way with his lackluster people skills

tries to go to parties and bars and stuff sometimes because that’s Normal, right ?

a ride or die pal when you do manage to befriend him though ! would drop e v e r y t h i n g for his friends and loves to spoil them relentlessly. the type to randomly show up at your house in his 3,000 year old mustang and take you to lunch or just go driving.

big ole hufflepuff

he’s not really that super free spirit that he was before molly passed. now he actually cares a more about his actions to the point of being lowkey paranoid, honestly. like he’s always wanted tattoos but he constantly second guesses what he wants to get cuz he doesn’t wanna be the guy that got a shitty tattoo, y’know ? so he hasn’t done it at all

cynical boyyyyy. he’s one of those guys that’s like “i’m a realist, not a pessimist”. definitely doesn’t have a whole lot of faith in others outside of his friends and family. will always assume the worst out of people and question their motives

thinks of himself as really boring. not in a self deprecating way, but a factual way

hobbies include music, video games ( he does streams of him being shit at pubg on twitch sometimes ! ), watching movies ( horror specifically is a favorite ), sitting on his roof at 3am to look at the sky, going on walks when there’s nothing else to do, and aggressively frowning when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere

seriously he really enjoys horror. halloween is his favorite holiday even though he isn’t really big on candy or dressing up. he just thinks the spooky aesthetic is real fun and its cool to see what everyone else is doing

he’s a skeptic on all things supernatural so all you boogaras better snatch him up !!

i drew this expression doodle page that honestmeme sums up his personality pretty well ( it is messy so plz be kind . . . )

connections

his bandmates is a given. i just need 2 others , , , any gender any fc. i have a wc for it.

either of his 2 siblings . . . another wc

any music friends tbh

rival musicians ? yes

people he just doesn’t get along with in general. he’s a pretentious snot so its pretty easy

unlikely friends ( probably someone super idealistic and bubbly )

childhood friends

he hasn’t had a serious relationship since molly so maybe someone he’s kinda into and that’s kinda into him but they taking it REAL slow

on the off hand some exes from him trying to see if he was ready to date again and just wasn’t

someone he debates with a lot. friends or not, they’re just really fun to banter back and forth with

horror night movie buddies !!

gets blazed w/ him on the roof in the middle of the night rambling about if ants have a conscious

he’s got his own place but a roommate or 2 would be nice !

anything anything anything. he’s constantly finding himself in bizarre situations that he just rolls with so long as it doesn’t leave a bad butterfly effect. hmuuuuuu and we can brainstorm

#jrsy.intro #❝ alex :: musing °✧#the only thing the open house was good for was dylan minnette in glasses #just saying #also this is so late i'm so sorry #some admin i am !!

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justoneday-namjoonii · 7 years ago

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Di piano e forte 06

pt. 1 ↠ pt. 2 ↠ pt. 3 ↠ pt. 4 ↠ pt. 5 ↠ pt. 6

↠Summay: Piano; A keyboard of cypress, played with soft and loud. Was it the ivory and onyx keys that let you escape from your reality…Or was it the man with sable hair and ivory skin.

↠Genre: Angst, fluff. M.

↠Warnings: This fic contains slight domestic and verbal abuse as well as mature subjects.

author’s note: I was feeling this omg the embarrassment the oc feels is real. idk if anyone is following this story but i can’t stop writing it. but this might be the last chapter :3

She wouldn’t say it but I knew she was shaken up. I wasn’t gonna bring it up but I heard someone at the party called police on that bastard, for assaulting her. I figured they’d want to talk to her, and her no-good brother, but something in me just wanted to keep her from that crushing reality, just for a few moments.

“You’re up early...”

You jumped a little, startled by the fact that Yoongi was still wide awake. You came out of the bedroom, seeing him still laying on the couch, drinking tea. The air was admittedly awkward until you properly acknowledged his presence.

“Yeah, um, I just need some water...are you okay? You look like you’ve been awake for a while.” You spoke in a low voice, walking towards the kitchen so you could get some water. He watched you, diligently opening the case of water on the counter.

”I do this a lot at night, I haven’t been sleeping well...”

”Oh...Is everything okay?” You stood in front of his bedroom door, opening the bottle of water to take a small sip. His gaze kind of frightened you for a second. He has innocent, cute small eyes along with a pretty face with adorable soft features. But at the same time he looked so intimidating, so stable and strong—how could someone look so contradicting to his own self?

”I’m sorry, it’s none of my business...I’ll go back to bed...”

”Wait, can I talk to you?...” You were caught off guard by the request but you walked over to him nonetheless, sitting a few inches away from him on the now warm couch from him laying on it.

”Sure...” You sat your water bottle on the coffee table and sat back.

”Look, I wasn’t trying to force you to stay with us. I know you probably weren’t too keen on coming here but I don’t know, where else would you have gone? Y’know? that’s all I was thinking...” He had pure intentions, he wanted to make sure you were safe.

”No, I appreciate it. I didn’t want to bother Mel at such a late hour so I wouldn’t have had anywhere else to go...” When you looked at him, he was licking his lips, twiddling his fingers uncharacteristically.

”I don’t talk about this much but I thought I’d share it with you, I might as well.” He sighed, the expression not faltering in the slightest. “My mom is sick.”

Your brows scrunched up in worry. “Oh my gosh, is she?...”

”Not like cancer or anything but mentally, y’know? She used to have a drug problem but now she’s at a rehabilitation center. I can’t get any sleep because she might not be there for long...”

”What'd you mean?” You tilted your head a bit, waiting for him to further explain.

”My parents are separated, they’ve been for years now, but legally they’re still married. She’s under his healthcare but he got into a relationship and now he’s thinking about divorcing her...If he does that she can’t stay at the center anymore and she’s beginning to make progress. She can’t go anywhere else...I have to talk to him but I’m avoiding it...” Yoongi held his head in his hand, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Have you talked to her about it?...”

“I call her every once in a while but I haven’t seen her in months, mainly because she can’t bear to see me...She blames herself for every single one of my issues and seeing me just- it just brings back bad memories...She’s not ready for that yet, and I don’t blame her...” He sat back, letting out an exasperated sigh.

“Wow...I’m sorry you’re going through that, it must be a lot to handle...” You glanced at him and he was just eyeing you, his eyes looking soft but sad in a way.

“Yeah...” He got up abruptly. “Do you want some fresh air? I need some.” He cleared his throat, and walked towards what looked like a balcony—you didn’t even notice it when you first came in. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and some sweat pants, kind of similar to what he gave you to wear. When you two walked out on the patio, you were in awe that you could see the whole city, alive and breathing in the wake of night. There were two comfortable chairs but he instead stood at the edge of the steel railing, eyes shutting as the breeze blew lightly over him.

“Look at me,” He let out a sigh. “complaining about my problems when you have plenty of your own...” He laughed under his breath.

“It's okay, I’m just glad you trust me enough to tell me about it...”

“About earlier, I shouldn’t have done that, I feel like I took advantage of you at a vulnerable point...” The confession kind of shocked you, given it was only a kiss and you thought he may have forgotten about it.

“If I didn’t want you to do it I wouldn’t have let you, it was just a kiss...” You were now twiddling your fingers anxiously, your heart beating a tinge faster than normal. “Do you regret it?”

“To be completely honest, I don’t know.”

“Oh...” Why did his response make you feel dissatisfied?—Or maybe you were expecting a yes or no answer, not ‘I don’t know’. You had to think about it if he were to ask you the same question you’d most probably have the same answer.

“Is that okay? To not know how you feel about something...” He was asking you as if you had any clue about relationships like this. “Because I don’t think I want to know...” He looked down, his head hung low in dismay.

“I guess you don’t have to know...” There was a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table and he reached for them. He was taken aback when you placed your hand over his, stopping him from grabbing the pack.

”You...You shouldn’t smoke...” He looked up at him and his eyes darkened, making you cower back a little. “It’s not good for you...”

“Y/n, it’s pretty evident that I don’t smoke to better my health, I’m an adult...” He set the pack down and took one out anyways, not lighting it, just holding it between his similarly white fingers. “I know it’s bad but I don’t do it often, just every now and then, it helps me get my mind off of things.”

“Oh,” You retracted your hand, “well, we all have our outlets I guess...” You sighed, holding the sleeve of your shirt to your nose. He exhaled deeply, sitting the little white stick on the table.

“I think I’ll head back to bed...” You stood up, taking a deep breath before sighing. “You should too.”

“I would if I could, but I really can’t sleep.” He spoke slowly, picking up the cigarette again. You walked to stand directly in front of him, his half-lidded eyes almost looking upset. “Well, you don’t have to sleep alone...” You extended your hand to him, that being the bravest things you’ve done all night. He looked at your hand, wondering if you were suggesting what he assumed you were suggesting.

“Do you know what you’re implying?...” He asked, still not reaching for your hand, you nodded. You knew exactly what you were implying and Yoongi wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. You had just gone through a lot in one night, this may or may not be appropriate.

In spite of that, he took your hand and he let you lead him to his bedroom. You were kind of hesitant but you were starting to feel things for Yoongi, things you didn’t want to say aloud but wanted to express them somehow. You released his hand and stood in front of the bed, intimidated now that you were in here, what if this was awkward? What if he didn’t feel the same? He looked to you, furrowing his brows when he really grasps the idea of doing this.

“Let’s just sleep, okay?” His warm hands went to your back but before you knew it you had you pushed him on the bed, making him grunt in surprise. His hands instinctively went to your waist, keeping you from completely smothering him with your own body. You straddled him and cupped his face with both hands, admiring his small eyes and soft features, before pressing your lips to his. What is she doing?—His hands left your waist and he froze. His expression went blank and he wasn’t returning the affection, you found yourself panicking, why isn’t he doing anything? Does he not want me?...

He was tempted, he really was, but this can’t happen. He knew you probably didn’t even think of the potential consequences of doing this but he did, as much as he would enjoy it, it can’t happen. His breath was shallow and his movements were languid, making you nervous beyond what you imagined. You deepened the kiss, almost forcing him to kiss you back, at least he gave you that. He felt so bad, he could sense neediness and desperation seeping from you—this was dangerous. “Y-Yoongi...” You spoke in a whisper. “Yoongi, please...” Your voice was almost pitchy and you were out of breath.

“We shouldn’t do this Y/n...” He tried to still your movements but you whined in response, he was saying things contrary to what he was feeling. His hands on your waist and his thumbs pressed into your stomach as if to keep you at bay. “Fuck, Y/n-” His breath hitched when you pressed against him.

“I want to Yoongi.” You tried to get him to give in with kisses and caresses—but he was about to die, you honestly didn’t know how hard it was to reject you like this. “I really do, please...”

“No, I need you to stop...” That was really harsh and it struck a raw nerve, making you tense. He swallowed. “No.” He grabbed your arms firmly, looking you in the eye to let you know how serious he was. “I’m sorry, but no, it’s not the right time...I don’t want to hurt you, so no, I’m sorry....” He saw the look in your eye, your heart was shattering into pieces and he had never felt so bad about telling someone no.

“Hurt me?...” Your eyes were getting teary and you covered your mouth with your hands. This was a mistake...You were shaking out of your control. You sat up and covered your mouth, you were resisting the urge to bolt over to the bathroom and lock yourself in there. The rejection was eating away at your insides and shame along with that, tears threatened to leave your eyes. “You can’t hurt me...I’ve been hurt by everyone who is supposed to love me, I know what it feels like to hurt. I just wanted to know what being loved feels like by someone I trust, just once...” You had to stop yourself from sobbing.

“I know you just want to forget about what’s happened but this isn’t the way to do it, this will only make it worse...” He sat beside you, “Real love isn’t a feeling that manifests from physical intimacy, love is the fate for two people to find...I don’t think those two people are us, not now at least...I just don’t know and I want to be sure about something as serious as that.” He sighed, lying back and bed as he curled into a ball about 2 feet away from him.. “Look, I care about you, okay? I don’t want you to regret this... ” He was literally trying to save you and that’s why it hurt so much. You were sure that if he were any other man he would’ve done it, but he just wouldn’t.

“What makes you think I’ll regret it? How could you possibly know that? You don’t know, Yoongi. You’re telling me how to face my problems but you smoke to forget about your problems, you’re a hypocrite...” You bit down on your bottom lip anxiously. “Is it me? My body?...”

“No, God, no.” He felt awful that he had to do that but he knew you’d be thanking him later. “I swear, it’s not you Y/n, I think you’re beautiful, really...Anyone would be lucky to have you but I’m not letting you do this unless you know you’re sure, and I don’t believe you do...” He licked his lips, ruffling his hair a bit. “Shit, please don’t hate me for this...”

Could he have let you down any harder? Yoongi was like a savior to you, you saw him as the closest thing to love and now you just felt empty. A few minutes of silence went by and his gaze fell on you, seeing that you were still awake he started to regret what he had said. He placed his hand on your shoulder, you looked back with furrowed brows.

“Don’t try to touch me now...My pride is hurt...” You mumbled. He laughed a little, even now you were cute. Without saying anything he wrapped his arm around your waist. “L-let go...” You punched lightly at his arms, groaning when you felt him nuzzled his head into your shoulder. “Stop, Yoongi, let go...” He sighed, holding the front of your shirt in his hand and curling behind you. You saw the sun was trying to come up, take the precious night time from you, when would you ever be able to do this again? “Shh...” He pulled the cover over the both of you and he said nothing, he just held you against him tightly, breathing lightly against your skin. You had a scent of spices, sugar, vanilla, pistachio, and mousse...

You woke up under his heavy limb, he was lying down with his arm resting on your hip. You had to process the fact that you were waking up in bed with your piano teacher.

Footsteps approached the door quickly and you heard the door open.

“Yoongi, I’m headed out- oh...” Suddenly you heard Namjoon and you tried to hide behind Yoongi, the door closed seconds after that. Namjoon was guilty of barging into Yoongi’s room because it was just the two of them. That’s why he was so shocked to find you in bed together, but for some reason seeing Yoongi with you took some stress off of him. He could rest assured that at least the two of you had each other right now.

Luckily, Yoongi wasn’t awakened by the sound so you were able to save yourself the embarrassment by pretending you were asleep. Without a sound, not that he would’ve heard you since he slept like a log, you rolled out of bed. The humiliation from last night began to set it and you suddenly wanted to get out of his bedroom.

Last night he had said there was a new toothbrush for you in his bathroom—he was so kind to think of something small like that, or maybe he didn’t want to be around someone with day older breath. As much as you would’ve liked to stay, you needed to get home and get your life together, you couldn’t stay here forever. When you got to the bathroom you discarded the clothes he lent you and put on the ones from yesterday, you wished they were clean though. You looked over at the bed, and he stirred a bit. You found that he looked so peaceful and innocent when he slept, it was cute. You knew Yoongi had a piano somewhere so you took it upon yourself to go look for it.

You found it, sitting in what looked like a small studio, ou hoped he wouldn’t mind you going in there because that’s what you did. It was a very nice keyboard and you fiddle with buttons to turn it on, and when it finally did turn on you adjusted the volume and began to play.

He would probably be surprised to know that you actually practiced the songs he showed you. Your technique was still not that great but at least you had a good sound.

“You sound good...” Yoongi came up behind you and his hands rested on yours. His pretty pale hands pressed against yours, causing you to tense. “You practiced...” He commented.

“Yeah, that’s why I took lessons...” You cleared your throat, trying to move your hands. “Of course I practice.”

“Well, let’s play together then.” He skillfully placed his hands over yours, his fingers were as light as a feather. You were nervous of course, not only because you weren’t the best pianist but you had just gotten out of bed with him, after a humiliating then life-change night.

“You kept caressing me, did you know you did that in your sleep?...it must be your little habit...” He muttered, a small grin coming to his lips.

“I was not. You were the one touching me Yoongi, I was trying to be as far away from you as possible...” You sighed, stopping your fingers from moving. “And by the way, your roommate barged into your room this morning, I pretended like I was asleep.” He chuckled a bit, still steadily playing the piano.

“Yeah? He was probably surprised.”

“Oh, so he’s not used to you having girls over?...”

“Nope, never.” Why were you relieved to hear that? His love life was none of your business yet hearing he didn’t have one excited you.

“I’ll take you home.” He mumbled, standing to his feet.

“Home? Actually, could you take me to my house then Mel’s house, she said I could crash there for a little bit. Besides, I parked my car over there...” He nodded.

“Someone called the police on that guy last night-”

“Do we have to talk about that?” You cut him off, looking at him as he pulled up to the apartment parking lot.

“Because I don’t want to, I’ll be right back...”

“Okay then.” He said to himself, a tinge of attitude in his voice. All he did was remind you that not only were you assaulted last night but you had to decide whether you wanted to press charges or not. He could imagine why you rather not talk about it so he made the decision to not bring it up anymore. When you came out all you had was a weekender and a backpack, and you packed pretty fast. You tossed your bags in the trunk and quickly got in the passenger's seat, not even glancing at him. He pulled off and the ride was silent from there.

“Do you mind if we make a stop?”

“I don’t mind, I don’t have anywhere important to be...”

Before you knew it he had pulled in to what looked like an apartment complex, you wondered why you were here.

“Do you want to come inside? I don’t know how long I’ll be.” He offered and you were going to decline but you figured it was better than sitting in the car for what could be an hour.

“K.” You got out and followed him up the creaking old flight of stairs, he knocked on the door and awaited an answer.

“Hey,” the door flung open, “I thought you were coming later with Joon?”

You blinked in surprise at the guy who answered the door, he was pretty. His sunshine like smile and distinct features made you wonder how many beautiful friends Yoongi had.

“I don’t have anything else to do so I figured I’d help now,” Yoongi walked inside, expecting you to follow suit. “This is y/n, y/n, Hoseok, Jimin, and Jin.” He pointed at whoever he named.

You waved. “Hi...”

“Hey.” They were all doing their own thing and you weren’t sure where to go.

“Jungkook is in the studio.” Jimin pointed as he continued to scroll through his phone as he was curled up on the recliner.

“Okay, make yourself comfortable y/n.” That’s all he said before disappearing back into the house. You decided you didn’t want to stand there awkwardly so you just took a seat on the couch. They already seemed pretty invested in what they were doing to really acknowledge you properly.

“Hey, y/n, right?” Jin spoke from the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”

“Um, I think I’m okay.” You were trying to be polite.

“Nonsense, come on, come get some breakfast.” He beckoned you over so you just scurried over to the bar stools of the kitchen.

“Thanks.” He handed the plate and you began to eat, he was a phenomenal cook. “Wow, this is delicious.” You grinned.

“Thank you, I do try.” He smiled, knowing he was probably wooing you over with that little plate of heaven. You finished eating quite quickly and you insisted that you could wash your own dish, and so you did.

“Hey, Y/n, you know how to play battlefront?”

“Yeah, it’s one of my favorite games.” Your eye sparkled with wonder, you saw Hoseok reaching out to give you the controller and you went over and grabbed it.

This is nice.

It was nice to take your mind of of some things, it’s been a rough few days and even a video was a source of relief.

“Wow,” He laughed, “you really do know how to play.” You beat him in the first round and you weren’t gonna lie, it was an ego boost.

“You must not play very often...” You playfully provoked him, seeing he wasn’t backing down now. “Another round?”

“Yep.” And you started again, making good use of your smack talking skills, he ended up laughing about 99.9% of the things you said. You couldn’t help but feel relaxed here, like you were home.

“Ha!” You exclaimed. “I won!” It was the 6th round and you won 2 to 4. He glared at you but it was all in good fun.

“Okay, okay, you beat me, I except my defeat.” He has to giggle at the way you tight lipped grinned just because you won a little game. After about 5 more rounds you two decided on a movie, that movie was Ip Man, the greatest movie series of all time. It was such a coincidence that both you and Hoseok have such similar interests, when it comes to games and movies at least.

“So,” He spoke suddenly, his words staying quiet because of the movie dialogue, “you and Yoongi are friends?”

“Uh, yeah...we go to the same university and he teaches me piano sometimes.” You cleared your throat, you weren’t even sure if that made you two friends, well it did but it felt a lot more complicated than that.

“Really? That’s nice.” And that’s how the conversation ended.

You weren’t in close proximity to each other but you saw how he’d just smile at nowhere in particular before his gaze landed on you. You expected to be looked at since you were really just some random girl that Yoongi just brought over. You looked to the side and blushed a little, he was so cute and you wondered if you’ve ever seen him on campus or somewhere.

“Yoongi doesn’t share much with us, he’s such a crab about his personal life, so come on, are you guys together or—?”

“Oh, no. We’re just friends, really...” Friends who slept together, but still friends. “Nothing more...”

“That’s interesting, hes never brought a girl over before...”

Instead of verbally answering you awkwardly nodded. You got more comfortable and soon fell asleep while laying on the arm of the chair, he was gonna be a while.

“That was good Jungkook, we’ll work on the second verse tomorrow.” Yoongi picked up his bag and glimpsed at his watch.

“Ah, it’s been three hours? Why didn’t you say anything...” He completely lost track of time, he didn’t know why you didn’t say anything to him.

“You have some place to be? You always stay late.” Jungkook spun around in his chair and watched Yoongi stand at the door, leaning against the door frame. “Is it the girl you brought, are guys a thing? She’s pretty by the way.” Jungkook smiled, finding it funny that his Hyung may have a love interest.

“We’re not a thing, or whatever you wanna call it. I’m just looking after her, she’s going through some personal stuff.” He sighed. He figured you were probably hungry or something, it wasn’t his plan to drag you here.

“Y/n, are you-”

He froze, there you were, kissing one of his best friends on the couch. You were the first to see him standing there and you immediately pulled away, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

“Oh, hey, hyung-” Hoseok wiped his lips and a slight rosy tent graced his cheeks.

You stammered.“Y-yoongi.” The lip color you were wearing had transferred to you hands when you instinctively started wiping your lips. “Um...” You looked down at your lap and a wave of guilt washed over you—more embarrassment than anything. He stood there scrutinizing the two of you for a few seconds and then he just walked out.

You sighed, there was no easy way to explain this. In no regards to Hoseok, you went running after him, hoping his plan wasn’t to leave you there. By the time you walked out of the apartment, he was in the car, looking as scary as ever. You hesitantly opened the passenger seat door and sat down, you didn’t know what to say, or if you should even say anything. Hadn’t even started the car, it was cold outside and the heater sure would be nice.

“C-can you-”

He held up his hand, shushing you.

“Look, what you saw was nothing, it was my fault I-”

“I don’t care who you kiss, it’s your body and I don’t have a say in it.” He spoke bluntly, pushing the keys in the ignition and sighing. “Kiss who you want...” That hurt, after all he’s done for you he didn’t care who you were involved with—did he really not care?

“No, Yoongi listen, he asked me and I said yes, we were just joking around and it was stupid...”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to justify it-”

“Why're you doing this? It’s obvious that you’re bothered by something.” He crossed your arms. “Maybe the fact that I was just kissing your friend, by accident...”

“How the hell does that happen by accident? You threw yourself on me last night and now you’re kissing someone you hardly even know.” He hissed. “For someone who was just assaulted you sure don’t have a problem trying to get into people’s pants...”

“How could you say that? I thought we had-” You paused and frowned. “You just-...you didn’t have to go there, it’s still raw...” Now you were upset—you didn’t even force Hoseok to kiss you, you two were talking and a harmless joke ended in a small kiss.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” He apologized, knowing you already felt bad about that, he shouldn’t have said that. “Y/n, just forget it. I’ll take you to your friend's house.”

“But-”

“I care about you and I’d even go so far as to say that I’m starting to love you...” He finally uttered out how he really felt. “You’re so sweet and kind, and what you did last night-...you were gonna give up your...” He trailed off. “I don’t know how to deal with this, okay? So please, just give some time to think about it.”

Love...

you?

“We’re here.” He pulled into the driveway.

“Did you mean that? What you said earlier, because-”

"I'll talk to you later Y/n, I promise I’ll call you...”

“No, tell me. Because I’m starting to feel the same way and I don’t know if you-” He cupped your jaw and his expression was a look between fond and sad. His hand slipped behind your neck and pressed his forehead against yours and you looked to him with pleading eyes.

“Yoongi...” You looked at his closed eyes.

“Take care of yourself, I’ll see you at our next lesson.” He sat back in his seat and tried to rollback up the window, you stuck your hand through it.“Take your hand out of the window.” You took your hand out of the window and went to grab your bags. When you closed the trunk you walked up the brick walk way, and you could feel Yoongi staring at you from the car.

“Y/n, you made it.” Mel hugged you, looking a bit confused when she saw Yoongi watching you and her. “Oh, Yoongi can come in.” She offered.

“No, he’s just dropping me off,” You looked back and he was pulling out, driving away with a small, unenthusiastic wave. “I have a lot to tell you.”

“Oh, ok, come on in, I have some food on the stove if you’re hungry.” She locked the front door and you went to your usual guest room.

“So, what’s going on? I know you had to deal with your brothers sick friend, were you staying with Yoongi?” She pretty much connected the dots.

“Yeah, and last night I made a big mistake...” You laid back on the bed, kicking your shoes off and stretching out.

“A big mistake? What kind of mistake?...”

“We slept together...”

“Oh my gosh...” Her eyes went wide for a few seconds but you shook your head.

“It’s not what you think, all we did was sleep, that wasn’t my initial plan though and I feel so dirty...somehow I let his friend kiss me and he saw, I know he’s not happy with about that. And earlier he said he’s started to love me. I feel the same way...But he said he needs time to think and I don’t-...I’m really confused right now...”

“Look, it’s okay.” She pat your shoulder. “Affairs of the heart are just hard, sometimes you don’t know how to feel and it’s a messy situation, but you’ll get through it...” She left the room and you just laid there.

Of course you had to get up and take a shower, a day like this needed a good washing off. When you changed into your pajamas all you wanted to do was jump into bed and sleep—so that’s what you did.

You let the warm blankets and soft pillows engulf you as you drifted further into unconsciousness.

Zzzz, zzzz. The buzz of your cellphone

Yoongi

You answered it and held it to your ear, he sighed in relief when he heard you sigh lowly. “I know it’s late but I couldn’t call earlier, I had to talk to my dad...He’s getting married next month so any financial help my mom was getting is pretty much gone. It’s all on me now kid...” His tone was pained and you felt bad for him, even remembering what had had between you two you felt like he was doing worse than you.

“God, baby...I feel bad, I don’t even know why this is so hard for me...last night you don’t know how hard it was to tell you no, and now that I look back on it I really wanted to say yes. But that could’ve ended bad and you know it, that’s why I refused. You’re special to me and to think I could’ve easily hurt you kills me inside....”

“You can’t avoid getting hurt in relationships, I know that first hand...”

“I’ve never said this to anyone but I don’t think I can stand doing this to you any longer...” He swallowed, trying his best to stay calm and collected.

“What is it?...”

“I think I fell in love with you.” He just said it right out, putting his heart on the line for you to cast your pick. At first you weren’t sure what to say, you were in love with him too and you had been too scared to say the actual words—he did it for you. “Yeah, I know it’s cliche, I fell in love with my piano student...”

“I left my phone charger over your house, do you mind if I go over in the morning to get it?...” He knew what you meant by that—an implicit message saying you wanted to see him, he wanted that too.

“I have something even better, I’ll bring it to you and we can have brunch...” He offered. Knowing good and well that you would have no problem with that, you two would be able to talk about your hush-hush relationship and hopefully clear the air.

“Okay...sleep well.”

“I don’t know how I’ll do that without you...but I’ll try. Goodnight Y/n.”

“Goodnight Yoongi...”

#yoongi angst #yoongi smut #yoongi fic #yoongi fluff #bts yoongi #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts angst #bts fluff #bts smut #bts piano #yoongi piano au #DI PIANO E FORTE #I can’t let this series die #im too invested

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teddyryker-blog · 8 years ago

Text

no place like home // task 5.

For Teddy, the Foxhole Court had always represented a place of safety, a place where he could go and know that the outside world couldn’t get him, a place where for even an hour of practice he could be completely himself. But now, sat in the locker room with a journalist and a camera, his skin itched with anxiety, he stared at his surroundings like he was seeing them for the first time, tapping his foot anxiously on the tiled floor until his leg got tired. He hated Wymack for letting these people in, depending on how well this interview went he might end up hating him more.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“You could too.”

“I need you here.”

“You’re being selfish. I’m coming back, you idiot.”

“But you don’t want to do you?”

Teddy woke with a start. This was how it was these days, waking up with a jolt and Jewel’s voice ringing in his ears. The dreams didn’t start until a week or so after the Ravens game, after he’d tried to forget all about it by drinking, getting a shitty tattoo, focusing all of his energy on practice and looking after Bacon. The dreams were exhausting and Teddy woke up with headaches, he hadn’t felt completely awake since they started. They woke him up at ridiculous times and they rattled him too much to let him peacefully fall asleep again.

He sat up, the room dark, and felt around on the end of his bed until Bacon nuzzled his wet nose into Teddy’s palm, his tail thumping on the mattress and assuring Teddy that he was okay. I’m here, I’m safe, it was just a dream, he isn’t here; it was the same mantra he mentally uttered to himself every time he woke up now, sometimes the reality of it hit him too hard and he’d lie back down, quietly sobbing into his pillow until the sudden wave of grief passed and Teddy managed to pull himself together enough to get started with the day.

The day of the interviews had loomed over Teddy, the press conference had only intensified his contempt for journalists and news outlets alike. He’d made it pretty damn clear he was interested in this predicament, he’d been absolutely serious when he threatened Grant with ‘gone girl’ing’ himself. As much as he hated it, Teddy knew there wasn’t a way around it at this point.

“Do you want a water or something before we get started?” The journalist, Alastair, asked. He looked to young to be on a job of this calibre (maybe an intern or something), who was barely taller than Teddy and kept dropping his notebook and muttering ‘darn’ under his breath like his mother would smack him over the head if she heard him cuss.

“Please.” If Teddy had learned anything from being in the public eye, it was that drinking during an interview was a good way to delay answers, give him time to think of something that wasn’t rude or irrational. Alastair tossed him a bottle of water and Teddy caught it. He held the bottle tightly and smoothed his thumbs over the condensation on the plastic.

“Nice catch.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time.” Alastair sat next to Teddy on the bench and turned so he was at an angle so he could face him head on. He looked Teddy over, squinting like he was judging him a bit. “Nervous?”

“Yeah,” Teddy said, laughing lightly, “honestly, I’m not a big fan of the press.”

“Aw, don’t worry, I’m nice,” Alastair said, the humour in his tone and the smile he cracked surprising Teddy. “I’ll go easy on you.” Teddy smiled back briefly before dropping his gaze and sipping at the water to distract himself. He felt more at ease, thinking he’d let his anxiety get the better of him because of that mess of a press conference. This was different, there weren’t dozens and dozens of reporters hounding him and Alastair seemed nice. “Okay so starting off nice and simple: what’s the atmosphere amongst the team like now after that win?”

It was nice and simple, an ideal question that Teddy knew he could answer. “I guess we’re more excited about the upcoming game. Motivated,” Teddy said, “the last game gave us a confidence boost for sure.”

“Glad to hear it,” Alastair said, smiling again. Teddy smiled back nervously and drank from the water bottle again as an excuse to break eye contact. “Do you plan to play professionally after college?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Teddy said on the tail end of swallowing his water. It was a lie of course, Teddy knew exactly what was going to happen after college and it didn’t involve Exy. He’d go to work for his dad, it’d stay like that for the rest of his unless he went to prison or got himself killed. It didn’t make much of a difference to Teddy at this point.

“Fair enough. What got you into it? Have you always played?” His tone was conversational but when Teddy looked down he could see the questions all scrawled out in the notebook, some were underlined or circled in different colours, so much so that the pages kind of just looked like one big mess.

“My sister got me into it,” Teddy said, choosing his words carefully as not to open a door that could lead to questions about him and his family. “She signed me up to a little league team when I was...12 or 13? Just so I’d have a hobby really. I’d dabbled in it before but after that it became a pretty consistent part of my life.”

“Any other Exy players in the family?”

“Nope.” No that he knew of anyway. Neither his brother or sister had played, they’d both dropped out of high school at 15 but for very different reasons. Michael spent most of his academic career under suspension, after dropping out he committed his time to working for their dad and developing an addiction to meth. Mandy dropped out to raise Teddy, she’d had neither the time nor the confidence to play a sport like Exy even before that. Teddy didn’t know enough about his dad to make a judgement though, really all he knew about his dad as a person was that he was born in Italy and nearly died once after he got shot when he was 16. Maybe he had played Exy, it was a mystery to Teddy.

“The first one to go to college too?”

“No, my sister went to community college for a while.” The words were out of Teddy’s mouth before he could even think about it. They’d been quick fire questions, he’d been dumb enough to follow Alastair’s pace rather than thinking about his responses. “It wasn’t for her,” he said quickly.

“I see.” Alastair didn’t sound convinced. He squinted at Teddy and it took him a moment to realise the other was reading him. So far this was one of the weirdest interviews Teddy had ever had, it felt more like an interrogation in some ways and a simple conversation in others. “So, you grew up around a considerable amount of crime-”

“Well, I’m from the Lower Bottoms in Oakland so yeah.” Teddy got defensive quickly, he saw where the question was going and he wanted to keep far away from talking too in depth about his family. The fact was that Teddy couldn’t, he’d be putting himself in very real danger if he did.

“I’m just wondering if - in your opinion - would you be playing Exy at all now if a team like the Foxes didn’t exist?” It was Teddy’s turn to squint dubiously now, not out of offence but confusion.

“I don’t understand the question.”

“Well...” Alastair sighed as he thought of a way to rephrase, clearly trying to keep from getting on Teddy’s nerves. “I imagine a lot of the people you grew up with went down, well, pretty different paths right? Like, the crime rate from your neighbourhood is high and there’s a high drop out rate for students, so I’m just wondering if you would’ve ended up similarly if you didn’t have Palmetto.”

“I was never like that to begin with,” Teddy said sternly, “like yeah, I came from a bad neighbourhood but I went to a really good school, I had awesome coaches and friends like I could’ve gone to a lot of different teams,” he explained. “But I wanted to be in this program. The Foxes are great because they give chances to players from out-of-the-norm home lives and histories and that’s why I wanted to play for them.”

“So it must be kinda hard when you see your childhood friends taking pretty different roads, right? When you’re enjoying success?”

“Not really. You just have to work for it, y’know?” That wasn’t necessarily true on Teddy’s part. Obviously it was hard to not feel bad for the people he grew up with, he’d gotten to go to college and play for the Foxes when so many of the kids he grew up with were in prison, in rehab, working 3 jobs to support kids they were too young and dumb to be raising.

“Does it help having a support from family and friends?”

“Of course,” Teddy said quickly. He had to be careful here, as far as anyone here knew everything was fine with Teddy and his family (or rather, as fine as things could be). He’d only be getting himself in trouble if he said otherwise. “Having a support network at home is always helpful but when you’re here, it makes more of a difference when the team is close, y’know? When everybody on the team supports each other, it makes it a hell of a lot better when you go out and play with them.”

“And do you think the Foxes are that kind of team?”

“Yeah, definitely. They’re the best.”

Well, that went...smoother than Teddy expected. It was a little surreal walking back to his room after the interview, to have faced a member of the press and not be seething with anger or anxiety. It went well, as much as he hated to admit it (and he’d never admit it to Wymack). The questions had remained mostly relevant, nothing Teddy couldn’t respond to even if he had to bullshit his way through some of them, it was much easier than he could’ve anticipated.

He felt lighter when he shut himself back in his room, greeted by Bacon trotting over to him and jumping up at Teddy until he fussed over him. He felt better, getting it all over and done with had lifted a weight of Teddy’s shoulders, now he felt like he could focus a little more. After making himself some well earned coffee, Teddy sat on his bed and decided to get some studying done with Bacon curled up at his side watching him type and read like he understood anything that was happening. For a minute, Teddy felt genuinely content...until he felt a familiar disturbance under his mattress.

Teddy’s heart sank and he put the pieces together quickly: it was his emergency phone, the one that only rang in case something was going wrong, the last time he’d used it was when he’d smashed up his previous one. Teddy hand dived under the mattress and he snatched it up, his heart pounding as he recognised Mandy’s number.

“What’s wrong?” Teddy immediately asked when he picked up.

“They found Jewel.” Teddy’s stomach flipped, he went lightheaded and it was like he could feel the blood draining from his face, along with all of the remnants of his good mood drifting away as quickly as they’d appeared.

“What?” He asked weakly.

“Last night. I’m sorry, Teddy...they just arrested Mikey...”

#foxholetask #self para #grief tw #even I hate me for this

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