#honestly feel free to ignore this im just thinking about things with the whole debacle with twitter

[minty-cups]

i think the reason why vtubers arent especially thriving on tumblr unlike twitter is tumblr's userbase doesnt... care for idol culture. which is what vtubers are based on reguardless of how much individuals in the vtuber community might protest they arent basing themselves on.

vtubing is just intrinsically tied to some amount of clout chasing, gaining followers, amassing a large audience. which again, doesnt really quite work on tumblr, because of its userbase.

however i think there's a fair chance for vtubers who are also artists, comic creators, illustrators, musicians, game devs, etc.

i think it has to do with the fact that a plain variety gaming vtuber isnt gonna take off bc playing games ultimately adds less to culture than creating art and stories. which is, as far as i understand it, what tumblr is based around

[foldingfittedsheets]

Hey i figure youre probably pretty done with anons re: the daisy story so feel free to ignore and never answer.

But i did want to say that im so glad you posted that story. Its been a real moment of comfort for me during a stressful time. Not just the story, but the way youve handled the ridiculous BS youve gotten in response too.

Im a writer, and ive followed you for awhile! I love your comics and little snippets across the board and its a little moment i take whenever i do get the chance to log in every once and a while and just skim through your blog and see what little story youve posted recently.

Like, the daisy story is what it is, but i really really appreciate you standing up for yourself and what youve said re: growth and maturity. I have a severe and stigmatized mental illness, and as i go through recovery im often reminded of all the times ive hurt people whether unintentionally or maliciously. Seeing a creator i enjoy not only acknowledge mistakes theyve made so publically, but also not accept the public beating people feel they are entitled to really helps me personally. Like, you don't deserve this level of vitriol, so maybe I ought to be nicer to myself yeah?

I know it hurts and sucks right now, people are vicious sometimes. But i wanted to send some encouragement your way too. Its refreshing seeing a creator being unapologetically human, ugly side and all. I know im full of ugly sides and it feels good to know that its not too late to be a decent person, because theres time to learn and grow.

Its funny tho, all of these people are getting mad at you and saying all these mean things to you about something you know is wrong and have learned from, but none of them have taken the time to recognize that they are actively doing mean things right now. Like..?

I’m honestly so glad to see this. It’s really what I was going for when I shared it as well as just.

I think people often don’t think like, how long is someone on the hook for a past misdeed? Don’t you think someone is capable of growth?! My past actions making me feel guilty is a sign that I’m a different and hopefully better person now.

Thank you for your kind words and letting me know what it meant for you to see the whole debacle go down.

[optimism-blooms]

Here’s my personal opinion about how I’m feeling about Rudy interview’s…………….. and my love for Madison because she is my girl ♥️

Madison baby🥰

I really hope that Madison is so successful after outer banks ends, she has been such a joy and professional actress throughout the entire process! Like she is so honest and open about her character and the relationship on screen with jiara! She is always smiling and really gives her 100% honest answers about the ship! It just sucks because she’s the only one carrying the ship. She’s the only one talking about it in the reviews. She is always giving her honest opinions about them, and she always talks so positive about Rudy and interviews too.  But after the whole debacle with fans shipping them in real life, and not liking her girlfriend, which she was very open about as well as she said in her live on Instagram, people need to stop shipping them together, because she is very happily in love with her girlfriend, and she still being professional because she knows how to promote certain ship that she knows has a big impact on the fans and the people who watch the show, she gets it and I’m so sorry that she hast to do it all by herself and I swear to god if they end up winning at the MTV award’s, and she walks up on the stage by herself I think it’s literally going to be like the final straw on Rudy’s part because clearly if she has to do that by herself, he 100% is not serious about his career and is initially slapping every single fan in the face and it would just be disappointing.

Rudy🙃

For Rudy, it all comes down to him just being determined to stay out of the line of fire by not saying anything, but is not at all helping the situation either and Im not even a hard core shipper of jiara but a little promotion will not cause issues! I feel like he’s the one who can’t separate real and not real, not the fans🙃

Yes i know he is an amazing actor as he has proven the last 3 seasons and I hope he stays like that, but acting like your co star doesn’t exist and completely going out of the way to ignore certain questions about them and the ship you are part of, is down right rude and ignorant and disrespectful to the people who like the show and that particular ship. Really hope he’s starts stepping up his game as they gear up to start filming for season four, because if he doesn’t if he continues doing this, I fear that he may not be successful after the show because honestly who’s gonna want to hire an actor who doesn’t seem to care about his career or the certain character he’s portraying you’re supposed to lift up the costar you work with not act like they don’t exist, which is honestly disrespectful to her too.

[ not saying that he does not care about his career or character, just what it looks like from my prospective]

The IRL person🤔

And always throwing your relationship with your girlfriend in our face like we get it dude we know you guys have been together, doesn’t mean we have to like her, doesn’t mean we like the situation, but I believe that she is also a big part in why he doesn’t give his honest answers and why he’s so cut off during interviews. And I honestly believe his relationship with her is why he’s so different now, because before they were dating and when he was doing press for season one with the cast. He was so carefree, happy and free spirited but ever since then after season two he just constantly looks like he��s depressed, reserved, uncomfortable and I think that’s a large part to the relationship he is in IRL. I don’t know I’ve never met them in real life. I don’t know what she’s like, but from what I’ve seen online and what fans have said who went to pouglandia about how she is constantly giving dirty looks to fans and is constantly attached to his hip 24/7 is not a sign of a healthy relationship. From personal experience, I’m married and even we don’t spend 24/7 together, we enjoy different things by ourselves. Once again, I’m not saying he is not happy IRL with her, but having her working on the set has probably also made the working relationship for him and Madison 100% times more difficult for them both. Who the hell wants to work with someone who you have to be romantic with on camera in from of your IRL person. Honestly something needs to change because that whole situation seems so strange.

Unnecessary Drama

Even if he don’t ship them together, during his interviews he should still be positive about the working relationship and the ship that he is playing a part of it’s not that deep.

Going out of the way to avoid the question, makes all the rumors about you having something deeper than friendship in the past, starts looking like something did happen between them and now this constant avoidance of the questions, is constantly backfiring and makes fans 100% feel like there is a reason why you don’t want to talk about her… just saying.

I don’t hate him, because you never know what is going on in someone’s life, I just hope things shift for the better because he did an amazing job as JJ this season as did Madison and I will forever be grateful for that💜

[the1975attheirverybest]

hi <3 a bit nervous to send this in haha but I really agree with what a few anons have been talking about here lately so I thought I’d share my two cents on the whole debacle! Please feel free to skip or ignore if you like!

the thing that gets me about all those Swifties hating on Matty for being a jackass or not being good enough for Taylor is that Taylor isn’t perfect either! (And I also really like Taylor Swift)! Like there are plenty of things all of us could be shouting about her while claiming she's not good enough for Matty, but we don't because that would be rude and stupid. Everyone's fave could be deemed problematic for some reason; acting like yours is the one exception and using that as justification for hating on other peoples faves is a) hypocritical, and b) I’m not sure what the right word is… Dumb? Unfortunate? Mean-spirited?

If you purposefully go looking for bad stuff about a celebrity, you’ll find a reason to hate them. This goes for both Matty and Taylor, and honestly just about every celebrity out there. It just seems to me like all of the swifties who are hating were determined to hate Matty from the get-go, before they even learned anything about him. They might've done this to whoever she rebounded with, even if it hadn't been Matty.

Idk. I just hope he (and honestly Taylor) are doing okay right now <3

Also you! I hope ur dissertation is coming along well and that you’re not feeling too stressed about it and that you’re taking care!

-🍀

No, you're absolutely correct! Nobody's perfect, especially not white, straight, rich celebrities (BOTH MATTY AND TAYLOR) and we shouldn't expect them to be. honestly demanding perfection of ANYONE, celeb or not, is harmful and I hope we as culture can move past that at some point, lol. But yeah I totalllyyyy think that if it weren't Matty, they'd 100% be doing this to someone else too. It's just that Matty's messiness makes me an easy target. SO MUCH STUFF you can take out of context/ misconstrue to say horrible things about him. which breaks my heart because, though he may sometimes behave like an idiot, it's always with pure intentions and he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. but oh well.

MY DISSERTATION IS GOING SO SLOWWWW. I really hope that some of y'all will still be awake or something cuz im in for a long haul, if not an all-nighter, and im afraid that without company, i'll fall asleep and miss the deadline lmao.

[businessbois]

Apologies if you’re kinda done with the MCC drama so feel free to ignore this lol

I feel like the worst thing about the ace race debacle was how demotivated everyone was after the fact. I honestly don’t think I would have minded it if the CC’s took it light heartedly but feeling their frustration and anger (justified after going from 3/4/5th place to dead last seemingly without reason) through the screen just really brought down the mood. Which kinda sucks for an event that’s supposed to be a super uplifting and happy and exciting event.

I feel like if they had let everyone do a redo it would have helped lift the mood back up to where it’s supposed to be. I can understand why they chose not to but still

im a little done with drama so i've been kinda not answering asks that already rehash things i've talked about but yeah it kinda sucked to watch people be obviously unmotivated it brings to whole mood down. even tommy was really bummed about it and it made me sad.

yeah by just how many people were asking for a reset, i kinda wish they did one like they did for bb in mcc7 but also i think theres something about the map loading in or whatever that they can't like when they accidentally did sands of time or the wrong game that one time?

[kindest-way-to-say]

okay so. i’m just gonna rant. about some pain i’ve been experiencing for a while. like, we’re getting into it

if anyone would like to put in their two cents, feel free. im kinda just yelling about my problems into a void, but im definitely not gonna stop people who might know what this is from giving me advice.

idk. my brains shutting down a bit.

TDLR: my left arm has been in constant pain for three days. it’s probably nerves or something. i’m very addled rn. i hate the world i want to sleep for a millennia. i also have had similar, smaller pain issues over a course of 4 months. i hate it here. i would very much like this to not be a thing, please.

so this story starts the mid may. my last month of school. i’m suffering through just to end this bullshit. but i notice that p much every time i have to do some slightly more than normal walking, some random body part of mine will just be in this sort of dull pain.

and i just kinda go. huh. okay. ow. and brush it off. this continues. it’s pretty minor, (like barely a 1/10 on a scale) but enough for me to be mildly annoyed by it on occasion.

go to two weeks before my school lets out for summer.

i get appendicitis and have surgery for it. i’m fine. that situation went better than expected, i was just not the most comfortable.

appendicitis pain traditionally presents in the lower right quadrant of the abdomen. right next to a shit ton of nerves. and the pain i’m going through starts to affect my leg. can’t really walk without alarms going on.

it gets better. i’m not like. comfortable, but i’m just taking ibuprofen a few times a day and managing decently. 3.5/10 pain level average.

but then, as i start going out and living life as a teenager in the summer (hanging out with one person semi-regularly, and doing weird family lunches), i start to notice that most times i leave the house, i’ll come back home with some pretty decent pain in assorted parts of my body.

like my back will hurt, which i just blame on my shit posture. but then it’ll be a weird muscle connected to my ankle or some shit when i am very well known for hating any and all sports except for hockey. which i don’t play.

so i’m not doing things to pull muscles, but i’m feeling twinges of pain kind of a lot. which sucks.

but i brush it off, now consciously keeping an eye on it and taking ibuprofen when needed.

pain levels steadily rise over time, but it’s still at about a 4/10 for the most part. there’s the occasional spike to a 6, but that’s not frequent.

keep going on to mid-july. every time i leave the house, i’m feeling dull ache/twinges in multiple places and my knees feel really fucking off a lot of the time. almost like if your knees were crooked or something?? idk.

but it’s still 5.5 on the worst day. so i just kinda hesitantly mention this to my mom. who’s used to me complaining anyway, but i make it clear that it’s been going on for a while, and it feels like somethings wrong.

and she says “oh yeah we can think about seeing a doctor.”

and i just. okay! cool. fun. rad. sick. vague pain. that’s my favorite activity. i love everything about this.

but i just grit my teeth and bear it. still doing the ibuprofen thing when my ignore it and distract yourself strategy doesn’t work.

now, end of july. trucking along. i’m at least in mind discomfort pretty much all the time. sucks. hate it. i’m concerned.

go to the 31. i pull a crazy all-nighter because i have chemical imbalances in my brain and shit just happens. i stay up for like 44 hours. wild. i sit at my desk for a while, drawing and i notice “wow my left shoulder doesn’t feel that great. huh. i have been sitting here for a while.”

so i go do something else but it doesn’t feel fantastic. almost like a buzzing in parts of my back and my upper arm. on my left arm. i am right handed. don’t know what that’s about.

go to sleep sunday night, i wake up to it just being worse. (also i have some weird circulation problems because of genetics. just random shit. no pain whatsoever. just funky.)

like wtf that’s a 4 right as i’m waking up. what the actual fuck. don’t like that.

but i was raised catholic so none of us talk to each other. so i just joke about my body organizing a shitty coup d’état to a friend and chalk it up to a fucked up muscle. but it’s like kind of moving?? a bit?? weird as fuck. don’t like it. still dull pain, but certainly something that pops up into my conscious mind like 10 times a day.

i didn’t do anything would result in a pulled muscle (trust me. my school is really intense about theatre and show choir. hard core choreography in everything that i practice 3 times a week during school+whatever play/musical) so i’m really just making excuses to soothe my brain and i know it. full denial.

i took ibuprofen the first and second day. can still tell it’s happening, but it sucks less.

yesterday i play a shit ton of guitar, and i can feel my upper arm cramping up and shit (which. oW. 5.7/10. WHAT THE HELL.) even though there is no strain on my left arm except for pressing my fingertips into some strings. no shoulder shit going on.

so i try to stretch out. no help.

and then the adhd medication instead of sleeping medication debacle happens and i don’t go to bed even though i actively tried to multiple times. i write a poem instead.

hurts mildly the whole time. it starts kind of limiting the functions of my arm. which. what the actual fuck. stiff, a bit seized up in especially bad pain moments.

i get focused on writing a poem and shit i only 20 minutes to get ready to leave for my appointment.

i forgot to take any ibuprofen, and it was already reaching 5.85 levels from sitting in my room.

in the car and in the orthodontist office, my left arm is completely fucking useless to me. half of my brain at all times is focused on like “oW OW OW OW OW” because it’s reached a point where i can’t really ignore it. it’s just there now. moving it isn’t great, it sitting in place isn’t fun either.

i’m at 6.5 levels. from the round trip of like 20-ish minutes, it’s raised that much. a lot of internal dialogue about it.

on the way to the orthodontist, i’m talking to my mom about it. she, sounding kind of annoyed, asks “what, do you want to see a doctor?”. i say “honestly? yes. it’s been 3 days nonstop. steady rise. there’s something genuinely wrong. i’m concerned about it.”

it feels like someone is poking around inside my arm with electricity or some shit. whole arm. shifting localizations and slight fluctuation in pain level. rapid escalation even just today.

i explain what it feels like in less wordy terms. and she says “that’s sounds like it could be nerve-related.”

it’s been three days. i’m exhausted. this has already taken a pretty significant mental toll, let alone discomfort level.

i have a high pain tolerance. i only started actively complaining about appendicitis pain the night before it exploded. that shit festers longer than overnight. i had been i pain for half the week before i said shit. and i just kinda sucked it up until i felt like i couldn’t walk without needing hella support.

but it’s really fucking getting to me. shit ton of weird tension, buzzing. just. constant painful buzz moving around.

i express this. “it’s a non-stop pain bad enough to be something i am fully aware of at any given second. if i stare off, im probably thinking about my arm.” and she kinda dismisses it.

it’s been like an hour, and i’ve gone up to 6.8 levels multiple times. based on patterns, it’s not just gonna stop any time soon, and i’m really good at working around weird problems like this.

like i said. pain every time i go out.

i’m good at hiding when i’m not 100%, but this is beyond me. it’s like someone’s just stabbing me with tacs over and over again. on my entire left arm and on the rare occasion, part of my leg.

i’m so genuinely uncomfortable, and i would this to not be a thing anymore.

[cliveboney]

i just want to give an update on that whole upsetting fic debacle since i kept posting abt it, for closure. feel free to skip this as it’s kind of heavy and very personal; i just want to let myself talk it out so i can let it go and move past it

((warning for depression & vague talk of my personal experience w/ it))

so!! i finished it, the whole thing, it was almost 130k words & it was excruciating & it made me completely miserable and i need to never ever do something like that to myself ever again!

i have a problem, a Thing I Do, where if i start watching/reading something, i want to finish it. i will rarely deliberately drop something altogether because no matter how much im not enjoying it i want to see it through, because theres always something i still do like about it, you know? thats why i finished the first season of k-on, even though i hated it (tho im loving s2 actually), and why i watched all 13 episodes of amagi brilliant park, including the special, even though i hated it, and why i stuck it through to the end with comic girls despite its very fucking best efforts to get me to stop watching, and same with darlifra and many other things because i just. wanted to finish the job. there’s a satisfaction in bringing something to a close, so you’re not leaving any loose ends behind. i may not have liked the story, but at least i finished it.

that’s kind of how it was with this fic. i started reading it because one of my coping mechanisms when im feeling really sad or having a bad depression night is to read angst fanfiction kind of as a cathartic release of those negative emotions, it feels good to embrace them and let them wash through me via the opportunity for projection that fanfiction provides. a lot of the times the content of the fics i read are extremely heavy because that’s just what works for me. so when i saw the content warnings on this particular fic, i wasn’t particularly fazed because it was just. stuff i was used to consuming- i mean honestly the content warnings are often the reason i picked the fic in the first place

this one though. uh. it was a lot heavier than im used to, which was becoming rapidly more apparent the further along i got. i mean, it was fine for a couple chapters because it was hitting very close to home in that satisfying kind of way that i needed that night, but after i got over that initial release of emotions it started going downhill, um, a Lot

two chapters was enough to get me invested, but this was a Depression Fic, about depression, with themes centering explicitly around how mental illness destroys lives and friendships, and its aim was to explore these themes in the most realistic way possible. thankfully, it was also about recovery and rekindling lost friendships, and it did ultimately end well, but it was a very long, painful journey. the author did an excellent job conveying these struggles.

it was a very, very hard story for me to read. i wanted to stop, many times, and i fucking should have. it was a very bad time for me to read a story like this- due to a recent surgery, my thyroid levels are very low, leaving me feeling more sluggish than usual and in effect worsening my depression. im taking medication for it, but the medication takes several weeks to kick in and i’ve only been on it for a little over a month now, so i’ve been feeling very low. i shouldn’t have read this fic. i should have stopped after i realized what kind of story it was going to tell, and how it would affect me, and i was only lucky that it ended as well as it did, because the trigger warnings listed above the very last chapter had me so upset that i didn’t know what to do with myself & it was only after i forced myself to read that chapter that i was able to feel better because it turned out that those warnings were extremely misleading out of context and there was a happy ending after all.

putting that much emotional dependence on a story is unhealthy. this fic made me feel like shit, and that’s unhealthy. it took me back and showed me a very dark place that i haven’t been to for years, reintroduced thought processes that i have moved past indulging in for a Good Reason, and made me feel hopeless and sad about my own future despite the recent positive feelings i’d been starting to have. i saw myself in the characters and their struggles. i saw both my past self and the ugly side of my recovering self at the same time. i related to these characters so deeply and integrally that i couldn’t handle the thought of anything but a happy ending, and i don’t know how i would be feeling right now had things gone wrong in the end. that’s unhealthy.

i’m proud of how far i’ve come. i have come a long way since my darkest days. i’ve learned a lot about self love and what it means to take care of yourself. what it means to find meaning in the little things and to keep pushing forward for them. to hold onto the happiness in my life and keep finding more things to be happy about.

this fic felt like a huge step backward, and i knew it was even as i continued to read it. i ignored every voice in my head telling me to stop, to just let this one go. i wanted to see how the story would end. i wanted the emotional satisfaction of seeing everything turn out okay, of conflict resolution and watching characters get back on their feet. it’s okay to want that, but when the journey to get there is so bogged down with these harmful paths, it’s better to just take a different route altogether and leave it behind. it’s a part of my life that i’ve worked so hard to leave behind me; dragging it back in was the wrong thing to do. 

like i said, im lucky everything turned out okay in the end. but im still dealing with the emotional repercussions. it may have ended well, but all the rest of those 125k words of misery still happened. they still brought my mind back to those bad places. i’ll be able to move past this, i know i will, but i only just finished reading it yesterday, so it’s still pretty fresh in my mind. immediately after i finished the last chapter, i went looking for the happiest and most wholesome fics i could find in comparison. a part of what had upset me so much, besides everything else, was the fact that my favorite relationship from the show was broken almost beyond repair in this story, so i found fics with those characters that showed unconditional love and friendship instead, and that helped me feel a lot better immediately. this fic had been one of the first ones i read for this fandom, so i think it was kind of acting as the defining example of this fandom’s fic for me; repairing that mental connection is helping me move on from it, because there are so many other stories to be told and i’d much rather have those define my experience here instead.

so, ultimately, what did i learn?? listen to ur fucking logical brain when it tells u to stop forcing urself to do something that’s hurting you!!!!! sure i would have been worried over that fic for a while, wondering how it all ended, if everything worked out, but i would have gotten over it, replaced it with better things, and i wouldn’t have had to go through the intense emotional labor i did while reading it. if you’re not enjoying something, it’s okay to just drop it!! it’s not as big a deal as it feels like in the moment. remove toxic things from your life, the quicker you can the better. live to better yourself and keep working at your own improvement. forgive yourself for messing up, take a deep breath, and move on. it will pass, and you will have become stronger for it. hold onto that strength and use it to keep moving forward. 

you can do it. 

i am proud of you.