#honestly even sometimes I myself am like 'wait... what was that group again?? are these people related to these people? who is that??' hjghj

[rosiecqtt]

Jealousy, Jealousy

Summary; Your back in the capital for the 75 annual Hunger Games waiting for the opening parade ceremony to begin when one of the victors, namely the male from four, comes over to talk to you which sparks certain emotions in Peeta.

Notes; Okay so I’m thinking of maybe perhaps writing a rewrite fic for the Hunger Games because, like a lot of others, I am once again in my Peeta Mellark phase. This is a little snippet from that said potential fic. Read it and let me know if you’d be interested in more? Let me know if you think its lacking anything or has too much, any feed back would be great. 

Word Count; 3.3k

Warnings; It is the Hunger games, so mentions of violence and death. It gets a little spicy at the very end, Kissing and hickeys mostly.

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The last several days had seemed like a blur, and now here I was. Back in the capital dressed in an elegant costume waiting to be paraded for all of Panem to see, literally. Cinna had walked me to the elevator, but he had more things to attend to before it started so he had left me to travel down alone.

The elevator all too quickly arrived at the ground floor of the Remake Center, which houses the huge gathering place for the tributes and their chariots before the opening ceremonies. I'm hoping to find Peeta or Haymitch, or both, but they haven't arrived yet. So I once again find myself alone.

Unlike last year, when all the tributes were practically glued to their chariots, the scene is very social. The victors, both this year's tributes and their mentors, are standing around in small groups, talking. 

Of course, they all know one another and I don't know anyone, and I'm not really the sort of person to go around introducing myself. Back in twelve, I was often teased in school for not being more social, but eventually, I grew to not mind so much. 

 Instead of mingling and trying to find allies, I just stroke the neck of one of my horses and try not to be noticed. 

It doesn't work.

 The crunching hits my ear before I even know he's beside me, and when I turn my head, Finnick Odair's famous sea-green eyes are only inches from mine. He pops a sugar cube in his mouth and leans against my horse.

 “Hello, Y/n,” he says, as if we've known each other for years, when in fact we've never met. 

“Hello, Finnick,” I say, just as casually, although I'm feeling uncomfortable at his closeness, especially since he's got so much bare skin exposed.

 “Want a sugar cube?” he says, offering his hand, which is piled high. 

“They're supposed to be for the horses, but who cares? They've got years to eat sugar, whereas you and I ... well, if we see something sweet, we better grab it quick.” he says with a flirty wink.

Finnick Odair is something of a living legend in Panem. He won the Sixty-fifth Hunger Games when he was only fourteen. So besides Peeta and I, he is one of the youngest victors. He was from district four and was a Career, so the odds of him winning again, were in his favor. I had to admit that he certainly was extraordinarily beautiful. He was very tall, probably six foot two. He has a very athletic build, with golden skin and bronze-colored hair, and those incredible eyes.

I find it hard to form an argument against how beautiful he is. But I can honestly say he's never been someone I would want to be with. Maybe he's too pretty, or maybe he's too easy to get, or maybe it's really that he'd just be too easy to lose.

 “No, thanks,” I finally say, refusing his offer of the sugar. 

“I'd love to borrow your outfit sometime, though,” I say attempting to tease him as my eyes scan his elaborate outfit. 

He's draped in a golden net that's strategically knotted at his groin so that he can't technically be called naked, but he's about as close as you can get. I'm sure his stylist thinks the more of Finnick the audience sees, the better. 

“And you're absolutely terrifying me in that getup. What happened to the pretty little-girl dresses?” he asks. He wets his lips just ever so slightly with his tongue. Probably this drives most people crazy, and I can’t deny that it didn’t raise a blush to my cheeks.

 “I outgrew them,” I say simply looking back at the horses. 

Finnick leans closer to me and takes the collar of my outfit and runs it between his fingers. I look up at his face my eyes watching him closely, trying to calculate his next move.

“It's too bad about this Quell thing. You could have made out like a bandit in the Capitol. Jewels, money, anything you wanted.”

 “I-I don't like jewels, and I have more money than I need.” I stutter out flustered at his close proximity.

I clear my throat and take a step back “What do you spend all yours on, anyway, Finnick?” I say. 

“Oh, I haven't dealt in anything as common as money for years,” says Finnick.

 “Then how do they pay you for the pleasure of your company?” I ask, genuine curiosity seeping into my voice. 

 “With secrets,” he says softly with a charming smirk. He tips his head in so his lips are almost in contact with mine and my face grows hot. 

“What about you, girl on fire? Do you have any secrets worth my time?”.

 “No, I, uh I’m an open book,” I whisper back. “Everybody seems to know my secrets before I know them myself.” I lie hoping he will back off. He smiles. 

“Unfortunately, I think that's true.” His eyes flicker off to the side and I find myself letting out a breath.

 “Peeta is coming. Sorry, you have to cancel your wedding. I know how devastating that must be for you.” He tosses another sugar cube in his mouth and saunters off as anger fills my chest.

 ‘How dare he’. I think bitterly to myself. Did everyone truly think that I was simply faking my love and adoration for Peeta? Did I really come across like I was some horrible bitch using Peeta to make myself look good? A wave of sadness washed over me and I started to question if maybe everyone is right. 

 Peeta's walking up beside me snapped me out of my thoughts. He’s dressed in an outfit identical to mine and my blush returns full force as my eyes scan his body.

 “What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks, a strange tone to his voice. I turn to face him, a frown evident on my face.

 “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say.

 Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.” 

“Really,” I say with an anxious laugh.

Peeta hums in response, watching as Finnick walks up to some other victor he seemed to know. He clenched his jaw tightly and looked back over to me. I thought it was strange but chose to not comment on it as the parade music began signaling for everyone to mount their chariots. 

“Shall we?” He says turning to me and stretching out a hand to help me into the chariot. 

I smile and gratefully accept it, climbing up and pulling him up after me. “Hold still,” I say, as I reach up to straighten his crown. He smiles down at me, and I return it glad that I don’t have to be here alone.

“Have you seen your suit turned on?” I ask him as I step back to make sure the crown is perfectly straight. “We're going to be fabulous again.”, I said teasingly, mocking the strange capital accent.

 “Absolutely we are”, he said with the same one. “But Portia says we're to be very above it all. No waving or anything,” he says more seriously. I nod, Cinna having said something similar.

“Where are they, anyway?” I asked eyeing the other chariots, they had set our costumes ablaze at last year's chariot ride but they were nowhere to be found.

“Maybe we better go ahead and switch ourselves on,” Peeta suggests noticing the panic growing on my face. 

So we do, and as we begin to glow, I can see people pointing at us and chattering, and I know that like last year we are going to be the talk of the opening ceremonies.

 When we’re almost out the door I crane my head around once again looking for them, but neither Portia nor Cinna, are anywhere in sight. 

With a frown, I look up into Peeta’s blue eyes that no amount of dramatic makeup can make truly deadly, and remember how, just a year ago, I thought he was prepared to kill me. I spent most of my entire time running away from him during the game, when in the end he was pretending to hate me all along so that he could protect me, which then created our start-crossed lover's story. I smile at him warmly and grab his hand without a second thought.

 We will go into this as one this time.

The voice of the crowd rises into one universal scream as we roll into the fading evening light, but neither one of us reacts. 

I simply fix my eyes on a point far in the distance and pretend there is no audience, no hysteria. But I can't stop myself from catching glimpses of us on the huge screens along the route, and we are not just beautiful, we are dark and powerful.

 We are the star-crossed lovers from District 12, who suffered so much and enjoyed so little of the rewards of our victory. We do not seek the fans' favor, grace them with our smiles, or catch their kisses. 

We are unforgiving. And I love it. Last year I craved the attention of the audience, knowing deep down that they loved Peeta more than me. I was desperate to gain the fan's attention in order to save myself. But not this time. This time I don’t care because I know I won’t win, nor do I care if they want me to. Peeta is the one who should have more fans. This time he will be the only one going home in the end. 

As we curve around the loop I hold Peeta’s hand tighter. I try to keep my gaze forward, not wanting to meet the faces of the other tributes, but I find it hard to not glance at all the others in front of us. Thankfully the ride goes by quickly and soon I find myself back in the training center but I dare not move until the doors close behind us. It seems Peeta thought the same thing because as the doors do finally close we both let out a long breath. 

Not letting go of my hand Peeta helps me off the chariot then jumps down beside me and together we walk towards our newly appeared stylists. Cinna and Porta are waiting on the far end of the room seeming very pleased with our display during our ride.

Haymitch has made an appearance as well, only he's not standing with them, he's over with the tributes of District 11. I see him nod in our direction and then they follow him over to greet us. 

I know Chaff by sight because I've spent years watching him pass a bottle back and forth with Haymitch on television. He's dark skinned, about six feet tall, and one of his arms ends in a stump because he lost his hand in the Games he won thirty years ago. I'm sure they offered him some artificial replacement like they did Peeta when they had to amputate his lower leg, but I guess he didn't take it. 

The woman, Seeder, looks almost like she could be from the Seam, with her olive skin and straight black hair streaked with silver. Only her golden brown eyes mark her as from another district. She must be around sixty, but she still looks strong, and there's no sign she's turned to liquor or morphling or any other chemical form of escape over the years.

 Before either of us says a word, she embraces me. I know somehow it must be because of Rue and Thresh. Before I can stop myself, I whisper, “The families?” 

“They're alive,” she says back softly, understanding what I meant before letting me go with a soft smile. 

Chaff throws his good arm around me and gives me a big kiss right on the mouth. My eyes grow wide and I jerk back, startled, while he and Haymitch laugh. Peeta watched Chaff with a clenched jaw, giving him the same strange look he gave Finnik earlier. 

I open my mouth to say something about it to him but the Capitol attendants are firmly directing us toward the elevators. I get the distinct feeling they're not comfortable with the camaraderie among the victors, who couldn't seem to care less. 

As I walk toward the elevators, my hand still latched tightly with Peeta's, someone else rustles up to my side. A girl pulls off a headdress of leafy branches and tosses it behind her without bothering to look where it falls. 

Johanna Mason. From District 7 Lumber and paper, thus the tree. She won by very convincingly portraying herself as weak and helpless so that she would be ignored. Then she demonstrated a wicked ability to murder. I admired her greatly and in the games last year many people assumed that I was following in her footsteps with my meek attitude. But unlike Johanna I was not as skilled at killing, just the hiding and playing dumb bit. 

She ruffles up her spiky hair and rolls her wide-set brown eyes. “Isn't my costume awful? My stylist's the biggest idiot in the Capitol. Our tributes have been trees for forty years under her. Wish I’d gotten Cinna. You look fantastic.” She says with a wink. 

My face flushes and I feel Peeta’s grip on my hand tighten further and I find myself growing increasingly curious as to why. 

While we wait for the elevators, Johanna unzips the rest of her tree, letting it drop to the floor, and then kicks it away in disgust. Except for her forest green slippers, she doesn't have on a stitch of clothing and my face grows hot at the realization.

 “That's better,” she says plainly, very unbothered at the fact that she was naked and surrounded by people. 

We end up on the same elevator with her, and she spends the whole ride to the seventh floor chatting to Peeta about his paintings while the light of his still-glowing costume reflects off her bare breasts. When she leaves, I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding and. I watched as the doors close behind Chaff and Seeder, leaving us alone.

We both remain silent for a moment before he looks over at me with a smirk. 

“What?” I ask nervously turning to face him as we step out on our floor.

 “It's you, Y/n. Can't you see?” he says.

 “What's me?” I say confused. 

“Why they're all acting like this. Finnick with his sugar cubes and Chaff kissing you and that whole thing with Johanna stripping down.” He tries to take on a more serious tone, trying to mask the one he's had since Finnick had spoken to her, but he was unsuccessful 

“They're playing with you because you're so ... you know.” 

“No, I don't know,” I say. And I really have no idea what he's talking about.

 “It's like when you wouldn't look at me naked in the arena even though I was half dead. You're so ... pure,” he says finally. I blush, my face turning red again at the implication. “No, I am not!” I exclaim. 

“Yeah, but ... I mean, for the Capitol, you're pure,” he says, firmly. ”And honestly, it's very attractive." He said 

I paused at that, glad that he was behind me, and could not see the blush that seemed to darken my face. I felt his warm hands wrap around my waist as I tried to think of something to say to defend myself.

“I know we are engaged, but no one seems to understand that you are mine, Y/n” Peeta says softly, resting his head on my shoulder as he holds me against him. 

“They don’t respect that you are mine, and I don’t know how to show them that you are”. He said. “But I can show you,” he whispers seductively into my ear. "Yeah?" I ask softly, not trusting myself to be able to say anything else at this moment. 

“Oh yeah, will you let me do that sugar cube?” He asks gently, teasing me with that nickname. I know he was alluding to Finnicks offerings and I couldn’t help the amused smile that fell on my face. I remained still as his hands moved across my waist only to stop and rest on my hips. 

I nervously chew on my bottom lip and nod softly, growing both excited and nervous to see what he had planned. Suddenly his behavior since my encounter with Finnick all made sense. He. was. Jealous. Soft, affectionate, and kind Peeta, my Peeta, was jealous, and it was oddly very attractive. I felt a soft, wet kiss on my neck that snapped me out of my thoughts.

 “I need an answer sweetheart,” he said placing another kiss on the opposite side of my neck.  suck in a deep breath and lean further into him, “Yes”, I say breathlessly and I feel him smirk against my skin. 

 He kisses my neck once again, and I melt into his embrace. He pulls away and looks into my eyes, his pupils were dilated and his breathing was heavy.  “Hold tight then,” He says seductively before spinning me around. I gasp at his sudden movements and cling to him as he backs me up against the wall in his room and pins me to the door with his hips. I gasp and he takes that as an opportunity to kiss me deeply, letting his tongue explore my mouth. I soon find myself pressing back against him and matching his hungry kisses that seem to devour me. 

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and he holds my waist tightly, pushing himself closer to me and I can’t stop the moan that leaves my lips. “Peeta”, I say breathlessly as his mouth leaves mine and he opts to kiss my neck. 

He hums in response and moves his hand up to my neck to where the buttons of my top sit. He starts to undo them, and I let him. Once unbuttoned he pulls it down my arms and rids me of it, leaving me in just my bra and pants. He stares at me for a moment, his eyes taking me in before he moves in closer. His lips press against mine, sending a jolt of electricity through my body. I let myself get lost in the moment, in the sensations he's making me feel. I feel my body melting into him and I reach my hands up into his blonde hair, tangling my fingers in it to ground myself.

He slowly kissed down my neck, nipping and sucking as he went. Dark red and purple marks decorated my skin as he went, successfully marking me ask his. Usually, he was gentle and sweet and though this wasn’t the first time they had kissed, it certainly seemed like the most intimate and hungry. 

He spent what seemed to be hours littering my chest and neck with his marks, successfully marking me as his, and he probably would have continued if Effie, Hamitch, and the others hadn’t gotten back and called for them. 

Pouting I looked up at Peeta, my eyes glassy and my pupils just as dilated as his. He chuckled softly and gave one last kiss to my swollen lips before resting his forehead against mine. 

“Hopefully now you’ll remember and understand that you’re mine Y/n,” Peeta said.  I smiled at him my heart racing in my chest as I looked up into his blue eyes. I nodded as I whispered, "I do." He leaned in and kissed me one last time before disappearing into his bathroom to quickly change. I stood against the door for another moment trying to process what had happened. 

After several seconds I laughed to myself, “Wow”, I whispered to myself as I looked around his room for something I could change into myself so as to not seem suspicious to everyone else. “Just wow”. I whispered shaking my head. My nickname in the Capital was the Girl on Fire, but it seemed like I wasn’t the only one who burning. 

[chuitu]

Entry 02; Adhere to the Basics

Written by: Hóng Hái'er

Uploaded: Oct 08 2996 - 09:15 AM

File Corruption: Minimal

We were given a couple of weeks rest before our first day, less on that to the ones still recovering from the exam... I heard someone lost half their arm that day.

Honestly, if i were given the opportunity i would have a word with the current director of this collation... what kind of a maniac would allow casualties, let alone live Red eyed Specters, Skyrippers and Thunderjaws as the main elimination objective to pass?! How did they even manage to capture them... I don't even want to bother...

"The missing hairs haven't grown back..."

Had to wear Yeva's hairclip to move a couple grouped hairs to cover my still very balded scalp... sigh. I'm glad she even trusted me with her most precious accessory ornament, I won't let anything happen to it, but perhaps she won't mind me using it.

I waited for half an hour in the lounge, taking lazy glances at the tall and luxurious glass chandelier above me, although to my surprise the chandelier wasn't made of just glass, it was adorned with pure white sapphires and moonstones... The precise angled cuts around the edges, just enough to fit in the metal holdings, like a precious grove hanging in mid air, it was paired perfectly with the gold linings, seems like the director has taste... but i still don't trust whoever they are after what happened...

My attention was brought back after my name was finally mentioned in the speakers,, Room E07, 20th floor... That's the director's room, i figured they'd want to see me after my little complaint i sent through email, glad they looked into it.

I made my way to the elevator, i stood by and watched the doors shift to close until i noticed a small figure in the distance, rushing towards this very shaft, by instinct or out of sheer sympathy i reached out my hand to keep the doors from closing completely, letting the person in,

They thanked me whilst being completely short of breath, i couldn't help but stare at the state of their hair.. It was reflecting the light from outside, shiny if i could explain so plainly, like a gem, it was bright red with a slightly magenta hue as it reached each strand's end, unfortunately i was caught staring that i had to justify why i was looking to avoid being called a "creep",,

"A penny for your thoughts, friend?"

"Ah- Apologies i-"

"Pfft, No need to apologize pal, this ain't the first time i get looked at for my hair.."

They claimed that it was alright and that most people had the same reaction meeting them for the first time, They introduced themselves, "Zhan Soo-Yeon, but you can call me Cinnabar" she even bowed a little while doing so, in return i did the same and introduced myself to them as well, She complimented my glasses saying they looked pretty "chic", i was a bit baffled and left struggling to form a proper sentence, of course, they planned that out and it went exactly as she intended it to be.

She left the elevator by the time it reached the 14th floor, saying that she hoped we'd meet again sometime, i simply nodded as the elevator doors closed once more, now for me to wait for my- nevermind it finally reached the 20th...

Now that i've mentioned it... She did seem quite familiar, where have i seen her before...?

It took me a while to find the director's room, had to ask around for assistance but, i finally made it.

I rang the doorbell and a voice answered telling me to just come in, that i did,,

And to my surprise the Director was not... who or what i expected it to be, they looked like a teenage woman, medium sized, ruffled pastel pink hair, she was covering the other side of her face with some sort of mask...

"Ohoho, so you must be the so quoted 'Son of The Demon Bull King' huh?"

I was taken aback by how she knew who I was, she simply- or should i say he. I didn't think that this polished lady in front of me was actually a polished gentleman, his voice really caught me off guard the first time he spoke.

He got up his seat, he circled me for a few minutes and completely ignored me those past few seconds, soon he grabbed something from his drawers,

Folded clothes?

He told me it was my new uniform, instructed me to use the restroom to give it a try, well, i don't see why not...

"So this is the general uniform, it's actually quite comfy..."

I gave my initial feedback to Salli, he seems satisfied to hear my thoughts, as he was actually the one who designed the uniforms and battlesuits,,

Speaking of battlesuits... He then handed me a 2nd folded pair, it felt like rubber and silk at the same time, i could see a couple of hexagons ripple as i touched it, like it was coated in some sort of active protective film, without a second thought and tried it on...

"Director. What... is this...?"

"Uhh, Your new battlesuit duhh~ I specifically designed it so you agents can move freely without restrictions!"

"B-But... It's.. so..."

"Actually we have a Type B, but unfortunately we ran out, so you're stuck with this one for now,, But hey, atleast i was thoughtful enough to give you stockings and thigh warmers so it doesn't look like shorts."

"... Uhm, yeah.."

To be clear, i was mortified.

A few months had passed and I was getting pretty used to the routine and certain protocols..

* General Assembly

The usual routine goes from General Assemblies every Monday, The Director's speech of the day,,

Intel hunting, Scouting, Data retrieval missions, "Clean-up" missions, It's much but not as toxic as an outbreak event triggering the "Code Null" protocol, one where all agents are advised to gear up and head to an area where a large torn universal fabric is located... and to deal with the creatures that pour out of it.

One thing i can never get used to at all, it takes my entire week, fortunately Mother and Father understood my circumstances, we have video calls every after my shifts...

I quite admire the Captains of this organization... perhaps I'll further explain in another journal log.

- End Log -

[666writingcafe]

So, tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm trying really hard to calm my anxiety about the US Presidential Election, so I've picked a prompt from my Fall Menu and I'm gonna write it for myself. At least for a little while, it should distract me from the impending sense of doom I'm currently feeling.

Order #11

“I’ll be honest: I get off to the thought of you.” Lucifer x GN!MC

It started with a bottle of Demonus and a writing assignment.

This semester, I'm taking a theater class to improve my acting skills for RAD's Improv Club. I've done okay so far, but I've been told multiple times that I have a stick up my ass and need to relax. Maybe not in those exact words, but I'm pretty good at reading between the lines.

I suppose in this way, my pride is a detriment to my performance. I'm afraid of looking stupid in front of other people, especially when they're much more knowledgeable about a subject than I am. I feel rather nervous whenever I'm standing in front of the class, reading lines out loud. If I mess up, I feel like they'd all start mocking me. Word would spread across campus about how the Avatar of Pride isn't good at something, and everyone would stop taking me seriously.

Insecurity is a bitch sometimes.

Tonight's assignment is to write a monologue that starts with the line, I'll be honest: I get off to the thought of you. The professor will read through all of them and select a couple that he wants read out loud in class. Of course, being the prideful and competitive man I am, I want to be among that group. It would be nice to excel at this and essentially prove everyone wrong.

That's where the Demonus comes in.

I honestly tried my best to attack this sober, but the only thing I've successfully written in the past hour is the prompt itself. Nothing else has looked or sounded right. I figured the wine would help calm my frustration and somehow inspire me.

Two glasses should do it, at least as a start.

A gentle knock on the door interrupts me as soon as I've finished pouring glass number one. There's only one person in this entire House that has the decency to knock quietly.

"Come in," I call out, taking a sip of Demonus. The door slowly creaks open and closed as they enter the room.

"I brought you dinner." A plate soon gets set on a clean spot on my desk, away from any paperwork. "I figured you were in for a busy night when you rushed in here as soon as we returned from class, and I didn't want you to go hungry."

"Thanks." I quickly glance up at MC to acknowledge their presence before returning to the assignment at hand. However, I inadvertently meet their gaze, and I'm suddenly unable to look away.

Perhaps it's the lighting that makes them alluring in a t-shirt and sweatpants, or maybe I accidentally grabbed a stronger bottle than usual when I was at the store. In any case, seeing them causes ideas to begin pour into my head.

"Do you need to do anything else this evening?" I ask, my voice sounding oddly desperate.

"Not necessarily," they answer. "I mean, I was wanting to get a jump start on a project, but it can wait until tomorrow."

"Good. Would you mind taking a seat? I need you for something."

"Of course. What do you need me to do?"

"Just be here with me. I'll explain once I'm done writing." MC dutifully sits in one of the chairs across from me and pulls out their DDD as I begin scribbling furiously in my notebook. I can always rewrite this to look neater later, but if I don't get these ideas out of my head now, I'm afraid they're not going to appear again, and I really need to prove a point.

I can be vulnerable. I just need to be around the right person in order for that to happen, and if I can channel that into this monologue, then surely I'll get chosen to read it out loud, right?

~~~

"There. All done."

"I'm pleasantly surprised, Lucifer. You've managed to finish before I began nodding off." I playfully glare at MC, who reacts by sticking their tongue out at me.

Fuck, they're adorable.

I briefly explain the assignment to them, and they're astute enough to know that I want to read what I've written to them. Mostly so that they can help me edit, but this little exercise ended up morphing into a confession of sorts.

They need to hear these words come out of my mouth exactly as I've written them.

"Whenever you're ready, I'm all ears," they tell me. Clearing my throat, I begin reciting my monologue.

I'll be honest, I get off to the thought of you. Your smile, your scent, your sense of humor...everything about you turns me on. You have me wrapped around your finger in a way that no one else has before. I want to please you, and I'll do anything for your approval. Just the thought of you makes my heart skip a beat, and my pulse quicken. I want you more than words can describe. So, let me show you just how much I adore you. I'll do whatever you say, be whatever you want me to be, and give you all the pleasure in the world. Just the thought of holding you in my arms is enough to drive me wild. I crave you.

I want to feel your lips pressed against mine. To feel your warm breath against my skin. To hear the sound of your voice as you whisper sweet nothings into my ear. To touch every inch of your body and memorize every curve. To be yours, and for you to be mine. I want to hear the sound of your voice as you moan my name. To know that it's me making you experience true ecstasy would make me the happiest man in the world.

I love you, body and soul. Just let me prove it to you. I promise you won't regret it.

Looking up from my notebook reveals a blushing MC fiddling with the hem of their shirt.

"That was well-done," they mumble. "I'm sure you'll get high marks." They momentarily pause, swallowing nervously. "Can I ask you something?"

I nod my head, closing the notebook so they have my undivided attention.

"Did you have any other plans this evening?" They sound fearful. Are they afraid I'll reject their request?

"None that don't involve you." They initially open their mouth to respond, but quickly close it as my words fully register in their head.

"I see." Another swallow. "I haven't exactly been in this position before. Usually I'm the one submitting to other people. Are you sure you want me to do this?" I walk around my desk and stand in front of them, reaching down to touch the side of their face.

"My dear, silly little lamb, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it. Besides, most of the hard work has been done already. All you have to do is give me an order. You don't even have to use the pact to get me to obey. I'll do whatever you say."

"Within reason?" I chuckle.

"I trust your judgement." MC closes their eyes and takes a deep breath.

"I want you in my bed. I know it's much smaller than yours, but--"

"Done. What else?" My interruption catches them off guard.

"Well...um..."

"Breathe." After MC takes another moment to compose themselves, they whisper,

"I wanna ride you."

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr, @tenkobitch, @budbuddnbuddy

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

was ita for ghosting/cutting off my ex girlfriend after our junior year?

i (currently 17, trans M) knew this girl (currently 17(?), F) from around 7th grade [middle school] to 11th grade [junior year of high school], so five school years/ten ish years total, give or take. we just graduated this year so this is kind of old drama, i was happier not talking to her but i always kind of regretted not giving her like. the reasons why

we dated from i wanna say. the middle of 7th grade to the middle of our freshman year. she broke up with me because her other boyfriend at the time was jealous she was dating another person [both of us are polyamorous]. we stayed in contact but i got a bit distant during lockdown because my mental health was going down the drain fast and i was just kind of isolating myself from Everyone, but got back into regular contact at the beginning of junior year because of our schools dungeons & dragons club.

she was running basically a continuation of the campaign that had been cut short because of lockdown and i didnt know any of the other campaigns DMs so i decided to join her campaign again since i had been missing my character anyways. at this point id been out for about three years i think? and made a point of introducing myself to the group with my chosen name and he/him pronouns. i dont pass very well, but i usually had a trans pride flag and pronoun pin visible on my outfit whenever we had sessions. my character was also a trans man, only using he/him pronouns as well.

whenever she addressed me or my character, she defaulted to using she/her and my deadname, despite my constant correcting her and the other party members. the only people in the party that used both the right name and pronouns for me and my character were the only other trans person (currently 18, F) in the group who she also constantly misgendered, and a guy (currently 18, M) id become pretty close friends with, since we'd accidentally started a running joke about my character being his characters dad.

i started to kind of resent her and the other party members for the constant deadnaming and misgendering and honestly was just waiting for the campaign to be over. it wrapped up at the end of the year and i just took the opportunity to stop interacting with her entirely. i had made other friends that year, and had a few from the old friendgroup we had both been part of, that respected both my name and pronouns with no issues apart from the very rare accidental deadname.

senior year passed without me talking to her a single time, only really seeing her in the halls like. once a week. now that we've graduated i doubt i'll see her all that much except the way you sometimes see a kid from school at the grocery store or the mall or wherever, so theres not really anything i can do to get back in contact or make amends or whatever, and even if i could i dont think id really want to unless she showed she could handle actually using the right name and pronouns for me.

shes shown she can use them for a mutual friend of ours (currently 18, trans M) that passes really well so it just always made me feel like she didnt give enough of a shit about me or respect me enough to actually see me as the man i am. so. idk. was ita?

What are these acronyms?

[dlnj]

Here we go again…. 🤷‍♀️ I’m really trying so hard to fully accept myself as a girl. Well trans-gender girl but honestly I don’t see a difference , if anything we want to be our true female selves so bad we go thru a lot just to be the girl we all know we are inside. I know for sure that this is me, I am Miranda and there was a mistake made I think in the 3rd trimester ?? Can’t remember when exactly we as humans switch gender from female to male in the womb but anyone born male did in fact change from female . That should not have happened with me and I have always suspected I don’t have a normal testosterone count and have way more estrogen than most men do. It was always hard to grow a beard (which works out now that I accept I’m meant to be a girl, once I start HRT I’m guessing it won’t take much for that to stop , or so I hope anyway ) anyway either way I now know and accept that I am a girl and was always meant to be a girl from birth , I also know that that girl was always never supposed to be potty trained and out of diapers but that’s another story although you all should know that at some point I always accept who I am and live my truth , hence the back and forth in and out of diapers for years til about 9 years ago I decided to not be ashamed and go back into diapers which I did . I can no longer sleep well without a diaper and there are many days where I need them all day long which is fine with me I personally cannot wait til it is mandatory for me to always be diapered no matter who can tell . I was able to accept and act on that part of me which I still find weird but at the same time it feel very right and at this point is very normal for me, the point behind my diaper lover/diaper dependency life style (which I am not alone, check us out online ABDL searched almost anywhere and our large not so well know group of Adult Baby/diaper lovers will come up, we are normal people who just either love being treated like a baby or love being diapered , both or any number of things like that, anyway off topic hey sue me I am a talkative girl) (the point in my ABDL talk) is I was able to accept being strange and into diapers -even have a doctors order for them now kind of brace and accepting , if I can accept that than I think I will be able to accept to myself and become that girl I am inside full time and all the way, complete sex change , top to bottom , in phases , first the counselor , then HRT, then top surgery if I don’t grow my own nice breasts , then I will be able to live as and be a passable woman then while my wife and partner would rather me not do the bottom even though this is who I am and I’m kind of an all in type of girl and I do all the way want to be a girl I do love her and our sex is amazing so while I won’t rule out trading in my penis for a vagina I would hold off for a while to see if she can completely accept me as a woman , maybe one day she will come to me in her own and suggest I do the bottom, and if for what ever reason she leaves me my next phone call would be to the surgeon for my bottom surgery. I promise myself, I promise Miranda I will become her full time and let myself out , I’m so much happier as a girl, so much more comfortable. I will be that cute and sexy transgender woman in that short skirt showing off my cute diaper and tight shirt showing off my breasts and tummy. I can’t wait to be her. In all of my pictures I’m always wearing a diaper and sometimes when I’m feeling like a bad girl I’ll play pretend and handcuff myself every which way, in front like I’m being transported to a woman’s prison and/or behind my back like i was just arrested by some sexy guy/ or perfect lesbian girl ready to take me to jail and have their way with me. I’ll post another picture of me In handcuffs and tell you all the way I’d love to live. Kisses 😘

[erika-xero]

Thinking a lot of how social media affect art, how it is getting increasingly more difficult to earn money with it and honestly it just... makes me so sad?.. Disclaimer: I do not want you to pity me. I just want to share some thoughts. Some fears, maybe. Some regrets.

I know that I might never be able to make a good fortune by drawing illustrations, because it seems that I was entirely wrong with my priorities? I always wanted to do more: bigger pieces, more characters and hidden details. I wanted my art to tell a story, if possible.

Who could possible know that most of the people will move to mobile devices with small vertical screens, on which wide detailed illustrations with cinematic feel will look the worst?

Who could possible know that the algorythms of the social media would want you to draw MORE yet, somehow, draw less? I could go insane doing the same stuff over and over again: small portraits, halfbodies in the same simplistic style because they look best in instagram or on tumblr mobile app and gather more attention? And they are also faster to make, thus you can please the allmightly algorythm posting every day or two?..

I love my work, I adore doing various things, I love it when one week I work on a traditional art fullbody with a golden halo and the other three weeks - on a digital artwork with a dynamic fighting scene. But gods. How tiring is it to know that the piece you've been working on will get barely any attention, because three-weeks gap in my posting schedule will, for sure, upset the allmighty algorithm.

They say that it is always bad to switch style or a theme, because people get upset and unfollow you once they see something they aren't waiting to see. Different character body type? Unfollowing. Different facial feature? Unfollowing. Different aesthetic? Unfollowing.

Slightly different shading and coloring? Unfollowing.

But variety has key importance to me. I wish to draw characters which are drastically different from each other. I want to experiment. I want to explore. I want a drawing to be a puzzle I will be solving for hours, days, weeks, never getting bored. I do not wish my work to become a rutine to serve the algorithm or even the general public.

I see, like, those commercially succesfull artists, who post every day earning more money per week than I will be ever earning per month. It is all the same story over and over again: conventionally attractive characters. Halfbodies. Pleasant facial expressions: faint smiles, slightly raised eyebrows. Simple pose, 3/4, detailed clothing. Always the same stylistic choises. Always the same aesthetic.

Of course, sometimes they do draw stronger, bigger pieces, they experiment, they search for something new - but mostly secretely. In private. During the free time they earn - by their hard work and dedication.

I... can not afford drawing stuff for myself in my free time. Honestly, I don't have free time either than the time I spend on my trips to hometown - the only moments I could spend with my family. Neither can I draw five similar pieces in a row, because my brain starts to melt like a strawberry sundae?.. Because when I get bored, I lose concentration? Because, I made variety the key feature of my art and this turned out to be the worst decision an artist can make?

Am I just... weak? Am I stupid? Am I unworthy? Am I childish for wanting my job to be fun and entertaining and fulfilling to do?

There's this group chat I am in, and today someone, the succesful artist, said that anyone, who has less than 10K followers are, to say so, a no one? All of a sudden I feel so upset. My day is ruined. I never had 10K anywhere but VK (which is absolutely useless to anyone doing commissions). I never even cared about numbers... I never wanted to be big. Be popular. For most of the time, my biggest wish was to feel... fulfilled? To be happy, be proud of what I am doing?

I feel fulfilled. But I also don't want to starve myself to death. And I certainly feel like if I, one day, will want to have family, I wouldn't be able to make enough money to afford having a child.

Was I... entirely wrong? Did I waste my time chasing phantoms? Is it too late for me? Will I be among those, who might not survive the hard times, at least, as an artist?

[rosedarkness24]

Cult Shenanigans

Ghost stories

POV Ash

If you had told Ash 80 years ago that she would have her life turned upside down by a green wort worm, be put up for sacrifice to a God she didn't even know, and then saved by a adorable little lamb. She would've socked you in the face and told you to get back to work. Her old village wasn't big by any means. Smaller than the campsite they are at now. Resources were slim, and food was scarce. Being the only girl out of a litter of 7 kits, she had to learn how to fight to survive. But they were happy, and the future was looking up as they had gotten a big shipment of resources and seeds. Though they weren't expecting that the shipment was a trap.

Now, 80 years later, the last surviving member of the village. She has died, been resurrected, died again, and been resurrected yet again. For what, she honestly didn't care to know. She knew she was going to be resurrected. The Lamb always let them know, though sometimes even the Lamb couldn't keep up with who wasn't here and who was. She'd been watching her fearless leader running around doing tasks about the camp. More than what they should be doing in her honest opinion.

The heat of the day was over and giving way to the cool night breeze. The sun would be setting soon, and soon, their work day would come to an end. Shifting on her stiff legs, she let's her butt plop down onto the ground before just falling backward and groaning in tiredness. A stifled chuckle comes from her side, Keith finally making noise after three hours.

"What's wrong, Ash? Getting tired of worshipping the Lamb finally?" A feminine voice echoing across the statue. Of course, Valefar would jump on the chance to poke some fun at her.

"Not as tired as you are after a night with Thorn~" her retort was quick, gaining a dramatic gasp from the fluffy pink cat at her side.

"We have not done the naughty! We just chat a lot that's all."

"And the giggling with sounds of what is clearly you two making out?" She bumps her tail to the cat's arm.

"It's absolutely normal for couples to make out. You're the weird one without someone. Heck, even Keith has a crush on someone." Thron was not having it. Not that she could blame him, everyone has teased him for somehow managing to swing two former followers of the choas God.

"Yeah! You literally fit the lone wolf vibe like our leader. Go find someone or just ask the leader out." Yeah, that wasn't happening. From the number of times she had been witness to the Lamb's rejections, she could tell they didn't really like anyone more than as their flock.

"How about you shove it up your ass Valefar."

"Bitch! I am saying you need a life outside of devoting your existence to the Lamb and Death." She wasn't wrong. All Ash has done since she's been here was devote herself to the Lamb and The One Who Waits. But it's not like a 24.7 thing, she does hang out with her friends, just not as much as she likes showing her devotion. She wanted so desperately to be at the Lamb's side. To be the once they confide in, but so far, they have been distant.

"Well, if we're done poking fun at each other, let's head to bed. Night fall is upon us soon."

"You're dodging the topic, Ash~" The fuzzy red silk worm moves past the statue over to the group. Closing Ash in their little bubble.

"I have a life outside of devoting myself to our God and Lamb. I just know when to separate work from play." Sitting up off the ground finally, she stretched out her back a bit. She wasn't able to do an actual full stretch while sitting on the ground like Thorn. But in a way, she counts that as a blessing. She knows her limits.

"Plus, isn't this like our job? We power the Lamb to help free our God. What else could anyone wish for?" The looks she got weren't ones she liked.

Keith scratches the back of his head. Despite him being the first follower, he never really seemed to be eager about all this. More than once, has he fought with the Lamb about their decisions. And while she understood his values didn't aline well with the Lamb's. It's those same values that have kept him from his death. Those same values showed him that it was okay to be flawed.

"Ash.... I don't think we should sacrifice our health..... especially our mental health." He nervously taps his fingers together. "And That's kinda worrisome behavior...."

"Oh, okay. So we all know Keith is a skeptical bitch." Valefar claps her hands together and takes a deep breath, shooting a glare at Keith who was trying to speak again. "We aren't saying love is devotion. There's a difference, and while you do have devotion. You clearly also have a thing for the Lamb."

How can she have a thing for the Lamb? She wasn't even sure they even thought she was even a friend. Isn't this a little jumping the gun? She sighs, pitching the bridge of her snout out of frustration.

"While you're might not be wrong about me wanting to know them more, that's it. I don't know about you, but I don't think they even know that we exist outside what we do." She pushes herself up off the ground and brushes herself off. "Plus, looking at this from a more modest perspective, I want to be someone they can trust. And I will do so without pushing them out of their boundaries."

Thorn smiles softly and takes her arm into his. "I agree with this. That's a lot healthier way of getting into a relationship compared to my way."

"Oh? Was me pin-"

"Aaaaaahhh! Valefar nooooo!" Quickly, the pink cat covers his taller lover's mouth.

----

Night had fallen hours ago yet. Sleep didn't come for the four, so to combat this, they decided to sneak off to the temple to tell ghost stories. Like scarring the shit out of each other would fix their insomnia. It mostly fueled Valefar's and Ash's gremlin behavior as Keith was too easily spooked by things, and Thorn was so fluffy when they got to scare him.

Keith had been bad at telling ghost stories compared to the rest. Thorn's while can be scary. It was more a predictable scary. Valefar's genuinely scared them all. For a former follower of chaos, she definitely showed follower of death traits long before all this. Graphically telling of true horror stories about things she has done in the past to those who didn't follow the old faith.

Meanwhile, Ash seemed to be more on the supernatural side of ghost stories. Her turn, having rolled around again, She was growing tired. But the others clearly were still wide awake. It was definitely close to midnight or past midnight now. And none of them are going to want to wake up tomorrow. Taking a deep breath, letting her mind clear so she could tell her story. Her ear flicks, and she opens her eyes, an idea in mind now.

"You ever hear about the Lambs that were all sacrificed? What happened to their souls?" Her voice had drops a bit with the seriousness in it.

"A bit of an insensitive story, Ash." Keith crossed his arms, not amused by this at all. And he wouldn't be wrong if he wasn't the one pointing it out. But so far, there were no objects to her using this topic.

"Oh, shut up, Keith. Valefar has been telling fucking old faith stories this whole time." Thorn jabs back to the fawn. "Continue with your story, Ash. I know that I personally never heard anything about what happened to the lambs' souls before."

A smirk danced on the fox's lips as Thorn allowed her to continue. "In my old village, not too far from this campground actually." A lie, "We had worked throughout the night, and when night falls, the barrier between life and death is lowered by the magic in the air. So it was a great time to craft magic infused items to make a protective barrier around the village. Like how the Lamb has those just outside the campground." She gestures to where the stone wall would be outside the temple.

"That night, me and my brother, Jackson, were assigned this task. We hadn't ever done this before. So we spent the whole day learning each one who what they were supposed to do." She leans back and reaches up into the air.

"We came up with a game plan. I would take care of my half of the village while he did his half. It's quicker that way. And we could possibly get a few more hours of sleep." Grabbing onto the air, a silent gesture to how untrue their thoughts were.

"Everything started out fine. I was able to get halfway through my side in such a short time. Finding the whole process of blessing and crafting a mind-numbing experience. I guess I never really noticed the movement in the treeline till I was just mear inches from it."

The room was silent in her momentary pause. She had captured their attention now. "I would not lie. If a doll could be made creepy, it was then. Because right in front of me was a doll of a lamb. One poorly made, I guess it had been made by a lamb if I were to think about it clearly now. Though at the time, it wasn't something we'd make. So, seeing it hanging from a string on its neck really freaked the hell out of me."

Keith's face contorted to confusion, as well as Thorn's. Both had been expecting her to scare them then. Valefar was more interested now. For her, this wasn't normal behavior of a sane person. This was the behavior of someone who genuinely wanted to get a reaction out of Ash.

"I don't really know how to explain it, so this might sound shitty. But just looking at that doll gave me this more unsettling feeling, like something, or someone was just trying to get my attention. I felt like I needed to quickly finish what I was doing there before anything else were to happen." She leans forward. "After a while, though, you can't ignore the eyes, bareing into you back."

The boys both tense up unsettled by the feeling. Being so invested that they themselves felt the pinpricks of goosebumps crawling around their backs. It felt so real to what Ash was saying, as if they actually did have eyes on their backs. Thorn's fur raised making him much larger that he truly was.

"Time didn't seem to go so fast anymore. Going back to a sail pase, as their was silence in the air around me. Nothing dared to make a sound other than me. Cross, wrap, bless, cross, wrap bless." They all seemed to be sitting on the edge ready for something, anything to happen. Uneasiness filled the air as if they were being circled by a predator.

"Snap... I broke one of the sticks." She hangs on the eerie silence. "It's next to me now. I can feel its breath down the side of my neck. But I dare not to look. Don't look Don't-"

"WhErE's My HeAd~" The deeper, monotone, broken voice of a half awake grumpy Lamb comes just beside Thorn and Keith. Causing both to scream in pure terror and scrabble out of the temple. A very shocked and scared Valefar was dragged out by her hairbairned boyfriend. All this just cracked the fox up.

She heard the Lamb coming out of their hiding spot within the temple before. Where exactly that was, she didn't even care. It was just convenient for her to scare the others to bed. She'd been laughing hysterically at her peers. She looked over to the Lamb in her fit of laughter.

They were smiling rather amused as well from the whole interaction. "Having fun there, my dear?" They stepped into the light, the red glow around their mouth and eyes flipping back into their natural look. Though lately after the first bishop's death, their eyes have been slowly turning more red by the day.

"Very my Lamb. It's about time we headed to bed. Thank you for helping them to bed."

There was silence as the Lamb watched her from where she sat. She was suddenly very glad that she was a black fox, as she could feel embarrassment crawling at her.

"....Rest here for the night. It'll keep them in bed." They move over the the podium. Opening up the side and pulling out a few blankets and bags of wool as pillows. "Plus, you look like you're about to pass out right here and now. So bedrest is in order." They smile at her seemingly to be completely unaware of her embarrassment.

"Thank you, my L-"

"Max.... my name is Maximum, but call me Max."

"Thank you, Max." She smiles softly up to them, glad to see them opening up, even a little bit.

[cryptidsurveys]

Sunday, November 10th, 2024.

One of your friends tells you they are going to train to become a cop. Your reaction? It would surprise me if Ollie told me that because they've never expressed an interest in that profession, but I probably wouldn't have much of a reaction. I might ask them why out of curiosity, but that's about it.

Would you ever consider working for the government? Naw. Honestly, working at the animal shelter is the only job I can see myself doing long term. I don't think I could bring the same level of passion and commitment to anything else.

If you had a magical pencil and everything you drew became real, what would you draw? Lmao, if only I could draw.

Your boots were made for: Nonexistence. I am considering purchasing a pair of boots, though. My flimsy ass 15 dollar Walmart shoes are not holding up against all the slush and snow.

The last person you would want to be stranded on a desert island with is: Excluding serial killers, cannibals, and obvious answers like that…let's go with Alex.

Your partner takes an airplane trip. The plane disappears and is never found. How long do you wait for them to return before you begin looking for a new partner? I would probably just assume they were deceased, but that doesn't mean I would immediately begin looking for another partner. Even if they died from some more common cause, I would still have to go through the grieving process, and I can't exactly predict how long that would take.

What would you like to touch? A few weeks ago, I would have said HUMPHREY. But we can pet him now. :')

Does anything you own glow in the dark? I have some glow-in-the-dark stars on my walls.

Would you rather ride a dragon or a unicorn? Dragon.

Do things just always go right for you? They do have a funny way of working out in the end, but I have to go through a lot of shit first.

Are you more like Spongebob who does nothing right but still everything good happens to, or like Squidward who tries to do things right and ends up having nothing good happen to him? Both. Considering how stupid I've been, life has been incredibly merciful. But then there are times when I'm just like���fvck. I'm trying my best. Can I puh-lease catch a break?

Has learning to spell become obsolete? No.

Who do you find yourself in constant conflict with? Why the conflict? I'm not in constant conflict with anyone, but like I mentioned in a recent survey, tensions are arising in cattery again. I'm going to do my best to stay out of it and refrain from choosing sides, but I'm also kind of bummed out. I guess it's human nature, though. Can't group people together without some inevitable gossip/drama.

What subjects do you refuse to talk about? Why are you hiding from them? There are things I won't talk about with just anyone, but it's not as though I never talk about them. I "hide" a lot about my personal life because it's no one's business. I don't want their input or judgement.

Are you every parent’s wet dream? I mean…why you gotta say it like that…

Everyone starts in the garden of Eden but no one can stay there. Why not?

Would you want to join a club that would have you as a member?

When you are exposed to the artwork (poetry, painting etc) of a friend, family member, or acquaintance, how likely are you to criticize it? Unless they specifically asked me for a critique, then I probably wouldn't give one. I would just enjoy it for what it was.

Do you mentally reject people? Before speaking to them? Depends on the situation. Sometimes I don't need to speak to someone to know I want nothing to do with them.

Are you arrogant? About what? I don't think so.

Name the ten bands you are the biggest fan of: This is tough because I'm more of a "song here, song there" type of person. I'm not a big fan of any one band (or ten bands) in particular.

Big nose, is it ugly or does it give the face character? I don't really care what someone's nose looks like.

Who has rejected you? Who have you rejected? Diane still won't make eye contact or interact with me unless she absolutely has to, and I'm just like damn, do you really despise me that much? Over what was essentially your own behavior?

Natural body odor or perfumes and colognes? I don't wear perfume/cologne, but I do wear deodorant.

When you hear someone make a joke about something, will you later make the same joke to someone else as if you had just thought it up? Maybe not as though I made it up, but I'm not necessarily going to interrupt the flow or delivery just to be like, btw, here's my source.

What if someone just says something intelligent, would you use what they said later as if you had made it up? Same as above. Not trying to steal credit or steal someone's thunder, but at some point, I'm going to consider the information integrated into my own thought process.

Ever think about moving to Alaska to live as a hermit? Every fvcking day of my fvcking life.

You are interested in a potential mate who is already attached. Do you encourage him or her to leave their current catch or try to find someone all alone? Not interested in trying to wreck someone's relationship. Plus, if they would leave their partner for me, then they would probably leave me for someone else just as easily.

Do you play in the snow? I have.

Are you an angel in disguise?

Are you a rockstar only no one knows it yet? Naw.

Why do you choose to listen to the music you listen to? Makes me feel good.

Does music these days suck? Some is good, some is bad. That's probably true for every era of music.

Do you find desolation and darkness sometimes beautiful? I am a huge fan of darkness. Maybe not so much desolation (although I do often find it beautiful), but darkness is just so cozy. I have the opposite form of seasonal depression. I hate it when it's all sunny all the time. I need snow and rain and gloom to thrive.

[lgcyunseo]

nostalgia review word count: 410

☆ㅤ ㅤ𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐘;

these last few weeks have been some of the best weeks since i've joined this company. of course there have been struggles and complications and the feeling of defeat, but honestly…it's been the most fulfilling feeling i've ever had. getting to perform with my peers and learning how each of us work has been a fun learning experience for me.

while it has been fun, there's been days where i've wanted to quit. walk out from frustrations. not being able to catch onto things that seem so simple is really hard for me to accept. i try not to give up, as that's not in my nature. but sometimes you need to, even just for a moment so you can really sit back and focus on the parts you just aren't getting. i found myself doing that more times than not.

as someone who strives for perfection, this was really challenging for me. depending on others to do things right as well. but it really helped me learn that working in a group really does take a lot a lot of work. i have a whole new respect for that, and look forward to my future. whatever it may hold.

while i loved every single performance, i think week four was definitely the one week that really grasped my attention. the fast pace of the song and the choreography was something that i truly loved. honestly, the trickier the better for me. i love a good challenge. (even if i whine about it every now and again.)

some things i wish i could improve on are always the same. vocals for sure. i just want to be a bit more stable than i am now. i know i have time to work on it. hell, isn't that why i am where i am right now? sometimes it's just frustrating. i just want to be good. i want to be stable and a powerhouse. that's really the dream right there. i also feel like i could also really improve when it comes to my dancing. i get ahead of myself a lot of times, thinking i know exactly what i'm doing. only to look back and realize i just don't.

i don't think i'll ever be happy one hundred percent with where i'm at, but i am proud of how far i've come and where i am going. i can't wait to see what this life has in store for me.

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

I decided to venture out and spent some time browsing in one of my favorite shops.

I almost got some drawing books but figured it was better to wait then do so besides I already have a drawing book and can always google references for drawing material ideas or at least that's why I am postponing buying them~

I also saw some adorable plushies/stuffies,

I dont know why I like the miniature ones so much, they just make me melt from the cuteness although practically they would be decorative pieces for shelves as too little to properly squeeze with a hug or cuddle with~

Due to that reasoning I avoided buying them although I was tempted especially by a s'more shaped one. I then took my time walking down to one of the cafes. It's really quite nice out despite the chilly air and cloudy skies that show it will eventually rain again. ~

It must be an unoffical day to take your girlfriend or boyfriend out on a date, saw a lot of adorable couples and some groups of girls having a girls day out shopping etc. Sometimes I wish I could join in but it's not like you can stumble over some exchanged compliments and become insta besties or part of the group~

I'd like to have an affectionate guy walk with me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead and there was a couple that were sitting on a swing the girl had her head in his lap and he just played with her hair while they laughed over some intimate conversation~

I almost photographed them because it was so beautiful but thought it'd be rude to try too and am no professional so instead I photographed a beautiful tabby cat with emerald eyes and grumpy looking expression on his face~

The pastries in the cafe were gorgeous so photographed them as well. I am going to have to be extra strict with my diet tomo and the next few weeks to make up for weakness of getting a pastry, I couldn't get the two I wanted most because paying 8 for a mini circle of cheesecake no matter how decadent looking is too expensive~ the other was an ornate cupcake that was too beautiful to image ruining by eating so I settled for the very reasonable cheap priced cinnamon roll and their specialty latte of the month~

I probably ruined whatever attractiveness I had by eating that but oh well, sometimes you just have to do stuff to make you feel happy even if it's only temporary~

Besides I am going to make sure I am very strict with my calories over the next few days combined with workouts should get me in the range I want to be in~

I am attracted to men, but at this point I'd welcome affection from another girl too~

Side effects of being a shy loner... I thought if I could become pretty enough this stuff would be easier, people would want to be friends and getting a boyfriend would be easier too because all the pretty popular girls have it easy when it comes to people wanting to talk, be around them or be friends.~

Maybe I am romanticizing ideals too much this is the real world after all~

I could adopt a pet maybe if I move to place where pets are allowed. But would having an cute fluffy companion solve anything? Its responsiblity, totally dependent on you to care for it, and honestly I want to be cared for once. I always clean up after other people and help when needed because I believe that's what you are supposed too...~

I am both lucky and unlucky that my work allows me to do it by myself no groups or team projects yay! No awkward talking and can focus on tasks but at the same time no chance to make a friend with someone whose a coworker~

[allamericanb-tch]

art heist, baby! thoughts (1)

doing this for every fic i read apparently. did i read half of this in one sitting? yes. will i finish the rest of it tonight? also probably yes.

chapter 1

i am So Excited To Read This

james! ahhhh

remus! ahhhh

remus being a bowie fan in every AU 

james just being james 

wait is james going to steal art because he’s Broke ?! i’m here for it honestly

ooooh is it regulus

or sirius

brazil mention!

oh! money laundering!

IT IS REGULUS!! AHHH!!!

not james already falling for regulus you haven’t even MET the man you spoke on the phone BRIEFLY this is so james of james to do. james jameses like no other

chapter 2

remus 😭😭 i mean valid. james is being very. james. 

“You’re going to get murdered and wind up on some true-crime podcast” that’s the dream isn’t it

“and not because he didn’t know how to parallel park.” REAL does anyone actually know how to parallel park

is sirius the Other Man

james being In Love with regulus ALREADY still 

he got the job! was there ever any doubt

ahhh i wonder who’s on their “team”

EVAN!!!!!

barty mention!

james. dear sweet james. 

evan is so real. 

i’m sorry the old james can’t come to the phone right now. why? oh! cause he’s dead!

appreciation for these end notes

“Regulus: Do this art heist with me or I will kill you and not feel bad abt it at all

James: You're so lovely. So pretty. So beautiful.”

chapter 3

new hampshire ?! (🎶i’m mean because i grew up in new england🎶) (sincere apologies to the amount of times i break into song in my ‘[fanfic] thoughts’ things i genuinely cannot help myself i’m a stereotypical choir kid and a former theater kid)

no way james is just gonna abandon remus. he doesn’t have it in him.

ok remus (?)

GRANT MENTION!!!!!!

THE DRIVER IS NAMED KREACHER 😭

REMUS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE this is hilarious

lily!!!!!!!! i would know that red hair anywhere

“James was panicking. Why was everyone so hot?” this is the best line that has ever and will ever be written

marlene!!!

james is so lovestruck (🎶got lovestruck went straight to my head got lovesick all over my bed🎶)

“Alright, so what have you two been in jail for,” i’m in love with you marlene mckinnon

remus and marlene 

PETER i lowkey forgot about peter

“James wasn’t sure what he thought of Regulus other than that he felt general splendour whenever they made eye contact.”

chapter 4

the summary: “James just stares at Regulus, like a lot. Like A LOT a lot.”

remus not being able to sleep on planes is so real

i love new england so much (i have never been) 

“No relationships were permitted among group members. Absolutely no sex either.” yeah there’s no way this rule will be broken. nope.

“Remus believed it to be a cardinal sin to write in the margins of books and kept a separate journal to document his thoughts while reading.” remus it’s okay to be wrong sometimes

THEYRE LEARNING AMERICAN ACCENTS 😭😭

“Remus was already teasing him mercilessly claiming he had the ‘hots for teacher’” i love remus

james being a little exhibitionist

james 😭😭

the art history is art historying

the jegulus is jegulusing

i was gonna stop here but the end notes say we get sirius in the next chapter so now i HAVE to read it

chapter 5

oh hanky panky in this chapter ?!

frank!!!

omg are they detectives ahhhh enemies to lovers wolfstar ?!

PANDORA!!!! 

wolfstar?! wolfstar.

ahhhhhhhhhh (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

moony!

oh, remus.

peter being a helpful icon

chapter 6

everyone helping james pick an outfit for his ‘date’ ahhhh

“you do look nice” AHHHH

regulus likes oranges!!!!!!! he’s just like me fr

REGULUS BEING A CHILDHOOD DIRECTIONER HELP

james would like harry best

their favorite colors being red and green <3

of course regulus would like that painting

james: “i would steal that painting for you”

regulus just. forgetting he’s driving.

the jegulus is jegulusing

 chapter 7

“It’s not even cooking, you literally had to put the bread in the toaster and remember to pull it out,” Remus fumed again. 

“Your father should’ve remembered to pull it out.”

james being a teachers pet 

eeeee wolfstar 

they’re both david bowie fans AS THEY SHOULD BE

oh no 😟 

peter and james being lifesavers 

eeeee they’re throwing a party

“I want a nice house, a house with a family and enough money for that house to be on the tropical beach somewhere. I want enough money so that nothing will go wrong that can’t be fixed.” peter’s just like me fr

them bonding >>>

dorlene!

JAMES WHAT ARE YOU DOING

not james ratting everyone out to regulus

eeeeee jegulus

KISS GUYS COME ON

chapter 8

sirius!

sirius is down bad

i love fralice

sirius making The Joke will never not be funny

their date <3

pandora! 

REGULUS ?! what are you doing here babe

REGULUS STOLE SIRIUS’ FAVORITE PAINTING OMG

oooh they’re arguing

SIRIUS GOT SHOT?!

gasp

chapter 9

i like that the chapters are short

“nothing much, just 1.2 million” yeah regulus that’s nothing…

ooooh dorlene i love them

regulus just drowning the bathroom

the painting 

jegulus ❤️‍🩹

THEYRE HUGGING

“Oh, James thought. So this is what he was supposed to do. This is what his arms were made for, to hold Regulus Black for as long as he wanted. Until the last day. Until forever.”

a hug from james fleabag potter would solve all of my problems

chapter 10

barty calling everyone criminals and common whores

guns this is so america core 

“mary mary quite contrary” mention

i love barty and evan so much 

oh my god. did james make regulus orange muffins AHHHHH i love james so much omg 

ahhhh jegulus 

pinky promise ❤️‍🩹

ok i need to read another. i would not be surprised if i read this all in one sitting. 

chapter 11

sirius pov! 

their childhood ☹️

wolfstar ❤️‍🩹

not remus reading anna karenina 😭

😧

remus just. lying. to regulus

i love james. 

nooo he and sirius have to be sneaky now ☹️

oh no remus and james are fighting ☹️

ok they aren’t fighting anymore.

james potter, defender of love and lovers everywhere. 

chapter 12

another short chapter! i actually love short chapters so much

this fic is lowkey making me want to steal art

james and peter passing notes i love them

oh my 😭

chapter 13

will this be the chapter james and regulus kiss (pleaseeee)

ahhhhh their date

james can’t ride a bike 😭

minor spelling mistake 🤬

james and regulus bonding

ahhhh jegulus is jegulusing

LUCIUS?! boooo get outta here

the paddle

ahhh i’m nervous for the auction

ahhh regulus not moving his hand 

they’re flirting 

aghhhhh they need to kiss

chapter 14

wolfstar is so illicit affairs

ahhhhhhhh (!!!!!!!!!)

yeah sirius would have a motorcycle tattoo

chapter 15

HANKY PANKY IN THIS CHAPTER?! PLEASE LET IT BE JEGULUS OH MY GOD

guys my heart is beating omg

omg they’re painting each other that’s so cute 

brazil mention! i love brazil 

THEYRE KISSING!!!!!!!! 

oh. 

oh!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!!

giggling my feet so hard rn 

chapter 16

jegulus is JEGULUSING 

guys does this fic actually get sad or

because i’m almost halfway done and i have not felt one emotion other than HAPPINESS

regulus ☹️

oh no lily what’s happening

remus ?!

regulus being jealous of lily 😭 please sweetie lily is very obviously a lesbian and i love her and MARYLILY

regulus being a donna tartt lover

chapter 17

i’m getting nervous (hamilton ref ?!)

what is regulus yapping about

oh ?!

a coffee shop ?! the wolfstar coffee shop perchance ?!

so it seems

oh me oh my

oh ?!

WHAT 

oh. my. god. 

trojan horse ?!

ok yeah

guys i’m scared 

chapter 18

remus ?!

guys i’m scared 

ahh

evan 😭

nooooo why is this not only happiness anymore

regulus just being a hypocrite 

oh me oh my

the lack of question marks in this dialogue is absolutely heinous but i’m willing to look past it because this fic is so good

marlene 😭😭

“Then, the sun peaked above the horizon and the tea went cold and Regulus was alone.” ☹️☹️

i can’t do this anymore i need a break and it isn’t even getting BAD yet

[rubyleaf]

Went through my blog again for the funsies and discovered an old, old tag game from 2016. And boy, am I shaking my head at it. Not only is 17-year-old me hilariously and stubbornly convinced she's straight, she's also very self-deprecating and generally not in a good place.

So I thought: why not answer these questions again, over seven years later, just to see how things have changed?

So here goes. The update.

MOST RECENT:

Drink: Water! I have a glass next to me right now and I'm staying nice and hydrated :) Phone call: Mom, earlier this afternoon, to make sure I'm still healthy and haven't died from acute Moved Out And Living Unsupervised Disease. Shockingly, I'm alive and well. Text: Dad, joking about the Berlin lioness boar thing. I still refuse to believe it was a boar BTW. I don't know what it was, but those pictures do NOT look like a boar.

Song you listened to: Saosin – "You're Not Alone" Time you cried: You know, I genuinely don't remember. Might've been weeks ago. I barely cry anymore these days, except from laughter or the occasional tearing up over a heartwarming scene in a show.

Dated someone twice: No, and unless the circumstances were very special, I wouldn't. If the ship has sailed, it has sailed for a reason. Been cheated on: Single, thriving, in my lane, cannot be cheated on if I don't have a partner. Peace and love on Planet Earth. Lost someone special: Lost touch with many friends over the years. Staying in touch is still hard. But honestly, some of them turned out to not be that special after all in the first place and a lot have stayed too, so really, it's fine. Been depressed: Nah. Been drunk and thrown up: Still don't like alcohol, still don't drink ✌️ Your three favourite colours: Purple! And pink, and the third one…maybe red!

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: So many. So so many. Fallen out of love: Yep! Laughed until you cried: Just this week alone! Met someone who changed you: I think so! Found out who your true friends are: Yes. And to the people who turned out not to be—thanks for making it easier to watch you leave right now. Found out someone’s talking about you: In the "bringing up my existence" way? Yes. Badly? No—someone probably did, but not my problem.

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: What Facebook? Do you have any pets: Not at the moment. Hard to keep any in a dorm room. I'd like to maybe get a small dog someday though! Do you want to change your name: Not anymore. When I was little I used to hate my name because everyone kept misspelling or mispronouncing it, but now I like it even if people still get it wrong all the time. Sometimes it still feels weird and othering, in an irrational sort of way, but I can't imagine myself being called anything else. What did you do for your last birthday: Had drinks with some people from my orientation group in one guy's dorm apartment. Casually came out as bi over a game of Never Have I Ever. Wound up at a party even though I had an 8:30 AM class the next morning. Zero regrets. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sitting on my bed and hitting play on the brand-new Meet Me @ the Altar song that dropped last night!!! Name something you can’t wait for: MM@TA EU tour in October! I've been obsessed with them for two years and finally they come here to play some shows and the first time I saw the announcement I legit busted a lip in my excitement. Unfortunately not a hyperbole.

Last time you saw your mum: Last time I visited home—early May I think? What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Better executive functions so I struggle less with getting stuff done, especially uni stuff and household chores. Currently trying to do something about that, actually! If I'm really lucky I might get an ADHD diagnosis in the foreseeable future and maybe meds…? What are you listening to rn: Fall Out Boy – "We Didn't Start the Fire" Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Often. It's quite a common name where I live! What’s getting on your nerves rn: One word: THESIS. Which I for some reason struggle to do anything about. Blood type: Still unknown! Nickname: Several shorter forms of my civilian name. On here, Ruby. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Pronouns: she/her Favourite tv show: At the moment: ATLA (and Legend of Korra), Ted Lasso, Good Omens. Probably more I'm forgetting. High school: Graduated in 2016! College: In my Masters! I have an undergraduate degree in law now :D Long or short hair: Long, down to my hips. I used to have short hair as a kid, but I’ve always wanted long hair. Height: 159 cm or 5′2.5′’. Do you have a crush on someone: I try to tell myself that no, I'm just very fond of the person. Platonically. What do you like about yourself: I'm creative and adaptable! I'm good at winging it when the situation requires it, and I usually get things figured out one way or another. I'm a hype woman for my friends, and I like the way I can find joy and excitement in all corners of life. Also, not to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of my style right now! Right or left handed: Right-handed. First surgery: None. Piercing: None. First best friend: Probably Rebecca, in first grade. It’s a shame I moved away, I wonder what she’s doing now. First sport you joined: Ballet, when I was five or six. Kept doing it until early fifth grade, then changed to horseback riding. First vacation: Probably to my grandparents’ vacation home somewhere at the North Sea. Don’t remember a thing though, I was one or something.

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: Nothing. Drinking: Water, still! I’m about to: Hopefully write a bit more for the mystery project 👀 Listening to: Meet Me @ the Altar – "Give It Up"

WANT:

Kids: Yes, eventually. I'd like a stable partner first (although if push comes to shove I wouldn't mind raising my kids solo), and most importantly I'd like to be my own person for a couple of years and not be bound by duty to everyone else. Travel, explore the world and myself, get all that out of my system so I can truly go into motherhood with no regrets. Get married: Yes, if I find the right person to do it with. Career: Study law and work for the EU or an NGO.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes. I don't pay much attention to lips outside of someone having a cute smile! Hugs or kisses: Kisses are nice, but I still prefer hugs! Taller or shorter: IDGAF. I still love my tall lanky noodle men, but I'm not picky. With women, even less so. Girl is taller than me? Awesome, great for being held. Shorter than me? CUTE. Older or younger: Around my age, rest doesn't matter. I'm at an age where anything between 20-30 is fair game, but any younger or older and it gets creepy. Romantic or spontaneous: A mixture of both. Nice stomach or nice arms: If the person is nice, their body will be nice too. It's an automatic process. I don't make the rules. Sensitive or loud: A combination of both! Troublemaker or hesitant: Secret third thing where they're chaotic but also too shy to really make a move.

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: Does "someone I talked to all evening but didn't know before that and didn't meet again afterwards" count? Drank liquor: Tried a bit, same as everybody. Found it nasty. Didn't try again. Lost glasses/contacts: Don't have any to lose. (Given the way I've been treating my eyes: yet?) Had sex on the first date: I'm asexual and I refuse. Broke someone’s heart: Yes, and let's leave it at that. Turned someone down: I'm a woman existing in public. Having to turn down random men is a recurring part of my experience. Cried when someone died: Not really—I seem to shut down and go blank more than anything else. I used to feel guilty about it, but now I've learned that everyone processes grief and loss differently and it doesn't mean I care less. Fallen for a friend: Yes, repeatedly, it has yet to end well, and it will probably happen again.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: Mostly yes. There are some things I need help with before I can unlock my full potential, but one thing I've learned is that I always manage in the end. And once I get proper help, I have no doubt I'll be just fine. Miracles: I don't like to rely on them, but I do believe that unlikely good things can and do happen. Love at first sight: Not for myself, I need to get to know a person before I fall for them. I do believe in attraction at first sight though. Heaven: It's a nice thought, but whether or not it exists doesn't matter to me. Our task in life is the same regardless: try to be kind and treat others well and hopefully leave the world a slightly better place. Santa Claus: No, and never really have. My parents never claimed he was real; my Christmas presents always came from the family that visited on Christmas Eve. Kissing on a first date: Did it once, it was okay. I think it's one of those "take it or leave it" things—if the chemistry is right, sure, go for it, but it's definitely not for everyone in every situation.

[dakotakazansky]

Ghost • Twenty One

Previous | Master List | Next

Warnings: 18+, Fluff, Angst, lots of Dumb Bitch Juice, Some Smut Pairings: Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x OC & Javy ‘Coyote’ Machado x OC Word Count: 4,922

Kota Ten Weeks Later

It was officially our 12th week of Top Gun, and two days before Christmas Eve, but even like school as kids, or like in the Academy, they gave us the next week and a half off for Christmas and New Years. I was excited to have this week and a half off to be able to spend with loved ones. I was pretty much extremely exhausted after each day at this point. Training hops, and classroom time were getting more and more intense as we neared the end of our time at Top Gun. 

Our current rankings of our Top Gun class proved our little friend group was in it to win it. I honestly felt a lot of imposter syndrome. On one hand I knew I had what it took, to be first in the class like I'm currently sitting with Tate, but at the same time, I could never doubt the fact of who my family is, whether blood or not. I'm far too close with so many higher ups in the Navy that even I doubt myself at this point. I also felt bad because I know that it's always been Jake's dream to have his name on the Top Gun board, but it's also Tate's dream, and who am I to deny her that. It really weighs heavy on me sometimes. 

It's Friday night, and as per usual our little friend group is meeting up at the Hard Deck for drinks and more fun. Jake and I had made the drive over to Tate and Javy's place in his truck, as all of us had decided to go together tonight. The four of us had waltzed our way into the Navy themed establishment the same as we had done every week. I do a little two finger Salute to Penny as we had walked by to claim our spot, with a few other Navy personnel and aviators, by the pool table and darts board. We pulled about 3 tables together to make our usual spot. "I'll be right back, I'm going to grab our first round of drinks from Penny!" I say running off to the crowded bar. 

"Hey Kota!" Penny hollers over the music and chatter at the bar, while she finishes serving the customers that were there before I was. "Hey Pen!" I holler back and wait my turn. She serves 3 people their choice of beers or mixed drinks, before it's my turn. "The usual Kota?" she asks. I nod, "Yes please! Hey, did Ice invite you to our Family Christmas Dinner?" I questioned her. She grabs our first round of beers and slides the glass bottles across the bar to me, "He sure did, got the invite this morning actually." I grab my beer, taking a swig out of the bottle before wrapping a small bar napkin around it so I don't hand it off to one of the others accidentally. 

"Are you going to invite the group there?" Penny asks, nodding her head towards Jake and Javy acting like fools, and Tate laughing at the both of them. "Actually yeah, for once I do plan on inviting those 3. It's kinda nice having people to invite on my own for a change." I chuckle lightly looking back over towards my group of goofy friends. "How much for the beers Pen?" She just shakes her head no to me, "They're on the house tonight dear. Go. Go have fun!" She nods her head towards the group again. "Thanks Penny!" I say grabbing our beers, and walking back over to the group. I set them down lightly on the table, before handing them all out minus mine, which is still wrapped in the napkin. 

"What's going on over here?" I question referring to the goofiness that was transpiring just moments ago. "Just the boys being boys, as per usual!" Tate says cheerily. "Hey so uh, before we get too rowdy, or too invested in pool and darts tonight I wanted to ask you guys something." I say a little nervously. "What's up little buddy?" Javy asks, and I break a smile at the nickname. "That nickname is never going away huh Goliath?" I say, picking back up the nickname for Javy who towers like a whole foot taller than me. He laughs, and I shake my head, "Anyways, my family always hosts a huge Christmas party. Everyone that is family or cherished members of our lives gets invited, and well, I wanted to invite you 3, because you all mean the world to me." 

I'm met with a chorus of, "We'd be honored to." I smile happily at my little found family. "I can't wait for this party, and for you guys to meet everyone!" I say significantly more excited now. "Everyone is hopefully going to be there, like all of Ice's and Mav's Top Gun buddies, and some extended family, I'm hoping Bradley will be able to make it too, I'd love for you guys to meet him!" They all gave me a shocked look when I mentioned all the different higher up Navy buddies that might be in attendance. 

The rest of the night goes as per usual until about the last hour we are there. Jake chatted with Penny for a moment, before gathering our slightly tipsy little group around the piano of the Hard Deck. "Oh I see what you're doing Seresin!" I say catching on to what he's planning. I had told him the story of Mav, Bradley, and I gathering around this very piano when I was younger. I take my seat on the piano bench and play a few rifts to get the feel of it, while Jake saunters off to the jukebox, to unplug it from the wall. I look over to Penny at the bar, who just raises a beer in my direction, and I nod back to her. 

Jake pulls the plug and we are met with a bunch of boos and groans now that the music has cut off. I play one more little rift before starting into Jerry Lee Lewis'  - Great Balls of Fire. What I hadn't known before, was Bradley had gotten the invite from Ice as well, and was back in town, and just so happened to make his way into the hard Deck as I began playing rifts.

—

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain Too much love drives a man insane You broke my will but what a thrill Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny You came along and you moved me, honey I've changed my mind, this love is fine Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

—

As I start the song, and am too focused on the piano, crowd, and my friends I fail to see Bradley snap his head in my direction as I play the song, that takes not only myself, but him as well back to our childhood.

—

Kiss me, baby Mmmh, feels good Hold me, baby Well, I'm off to love you like a lover should Oh, you're fine, so kind Got to tell this world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine

I chew my nails and I twiddle my thumbs I'm real nervous, but it sure is fun Come on, baby, you're driving me crazy Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

—

Jake kisses my temple as I sing the line "Kiss me, baby". and by the time I'm down the song to the line "Got to tell this world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine!" Jake is almost screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs making me blush instantly. Everyone but Bradley yells in unison, "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!" As I finish the song, Bradley downs his drink, with an annoyed look on his face, as he watches Jake kiss my temple. He orders another drink sticking around for one more song, which I play You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' - The Righteous Brothers. Once the song ends he leaves, without me spotting him at all. 

I take a huge swig out of my beer while the crowd cheers and hollers enjoying the musical performance I put on for the bar tonight. I finished off my musical serenade with the same song I had played and sung for Jake on the beach during our picnic date, Lay It Down - ILLENIUM, Krewella & SLANDER. The crowd once again erupts into cheers and hollers as I bow before hopping off the same platform that the piano was up on. I get some pats on the back as I walk towards the Jukebox to plug it back in for the bar patrons. I pick a random song, before my small group of friends and I walk back towards our spot by the pool table.

—

Christmas Eve

"Jake, C'mon we're going to be late, and we still need to pick up Tate and Javy!" I yell, while waiting by the front door with the armful of gifts for my family and friends. Jake comes out of our room dressed in a button down, his jeans, and his Stetson. "Now you know I told you to dress comfy, you don't need to impress my family, they already love you, maybe even more than they love me." I say laughing. "Now we both know that isn't true, they still love you more." he replies. "But... while your pretty little hands are full—" he says before pinning me against the door, and kissing me with a needy passion. 

When we split apart I cock my eyebrow up at him. "Seresin! Truck! Now! Please!" I say dramatically with desperation. He chuckles, taking the gifts from me, and walking them out to the truck, as I lock up the house. We picked up Javy and Tate, and made our way over to my parents house for the smaller Christmas Eve Party. 

As we all approach the door, I can already hear the laughter of my younger cousins. I knock on the door before opening it. I call out, "Hey we're here!" I hear my mother call out, "Welcome in Kota! We're just in the living room!" I usher Jake, Javy and Tate in and shut the door behind us before leading them into the living room. I stop in my tracks, when I notice a familiar figure in the room. "Holy Shit, Bradshaw is that you?!" I say, shocked to see Bradley sitting in the living room with my family. 

"Language!" I hear my elementary aged cousin Morgann yell at me. I bend down to give her a hug, "I'm sorry Momo, I'll watch the language." She hugs me back laughing. That precious little child-like laugh. Bradley slowly walks up to me, and my little group of friends. I stood again, frozen in front of him, taking in the fact he's here. "Kota, you look good," he says sheepishly. I take a few more steps towards him, before wrapping my arms around his waist, my face burying into his chest. "You're actually here." I say, whispering just loud enough for him to hear. "I am, and I'm sorry I've not kept in touch with you." he whispers back to me, hugging me back before we release each other. 

"Bradley, this is Tate, My WSO." I say gesturing to Tate before gesturing to Javy, "Javy, Tate's boyfriend, and a friend of mine from the academy." Jake sets the presents down under the tree before approaching and wraps an arm around my shoulder, "And this is Jake, my boyfriend. Jake, Javy, Tate, this is Bradley, my childhood best friend." They all exchange pleasantries and hand shakes, before I introduce Javy and Tate to my mother Sarah. I notice a small expression of hurt on Bradley's face when I mentioned boyfriend, but I don't bring it up, not wanting to sour the mood of the holiday. 

We all eat a small Christmas eve dinner, before we tuck Morgann into bed, telling her that if she doesn't get to sleep, then Santa won't be able to come to drop off presents to her. It took her no time to climb into her bed for the night, and cuddle up for sleep. Like every year, I read her the 'Twas the Night before Christmas pop up book. She was sound asleep before I had even finished the book. I place the book on the shelf and walk out to the living room again, where Ice and Sarah have matching pjs, and a gift bag for everyone in attendance. 

One of our family traditions is that we all get a set of matching pajamas, and then we drink hot chocolate, sometimes spiked hot chocolate, and watch Christmas movies before we finish last minute present wrapping for the little kids that will be at the party tomorrow. After we all had changed into our matching pj's, Ice comes over with a phone in hand, and snaps a photo of Jake, Javy, Tate, Bradley and I all together on the couch watching The Grinch.

I look around at our little group, "We like to give our gifts to each other on Christmas Eve, so that tomorrow we can focus on all of the younger kids." I say before getting up to grab my gift for Jake, and Tate. "I uh, didn't know you were going to be here Bradley, so I'm sorry." I say referring to the fact that I didn't have a gift for him. He smiles softly, "That's alright Kota, I mean Sarah and I planned for me being here as our gift to you." Bradley replies back, rubbing the back of his neck. 

I hand Jake a little box, and Tate a card, and wait impatiently as they both figure out who'd be opening their gift first, before eventually settling on Tate opening hers first. She hands me a small rectangular box, before opening her card. She reads over the card, before reading the little voucher that was inside said card, "I figured, to commemorate our time as Pilot and WSO together, we could celebrate with matching tattoos." Tate puts the voucher back in the card before setting it off to the side, and getting up to hug me tightly, "Oh Kota! That's such a thoughtful gift, I love it! Thank you!" 

Jake nods towards the box sitting in my lap, "You first Darlin'." I nod and open my present from Tate. It's a gorgeous little black dress. "Tate!" I exclaim. "It's gorgeous!" She laughs, "Now you have at least one fancy thing in your closet that you don't have to rent for a night!" I start to laugh with her remembering back to the parent trap first date with Jake. Jake then opens the little box I had given him while Javy and Tate exchange gifts with each other. 

Jake pulls out a small moon charm, with a K engraved into it. I whisper to him, "K for Kota, and because I'm the moon to your Sun." He holds it in his hand, admiring the beautiful charm, "Kota it's perfect!" He says back in a hushed tone. "I figured I could sew it onto your favorite jacket, or your Stetson." He smiles up at me, "I'd love that." He says beaming that million dollar pearly white smile to me, before he passes a super small box to me.

I open the box to reveal a jewelry box, and inside of that, I see a silver fighter jet pendant on a dainty silver chain. "Would you mind?" I say to Jake as I take the necklace out of the box, and hand it to him. "I'd love to, move your hair for me?" I nod, pulling my hair to the side so he could slip the silver chain around my neck, clasping it shut, as the fighter jet pendant now rests gently, about an inch below my collarbones. "Jake, Thank you, I love it!" I say before placing a kiss to his cheek. "You're Welcome Darlin'. Now you have a little piece of me wherever you go."

My mother clears her throat, before we all finish up with our gift exchanges. "We have one more gift for everyone." She says looking over to Ice before reaching out and taking his hand into hers. Every pair of eyes in the room remains focused on the two of them. At the same time, my mother and Ice hoarsely said, "I'm/He's cancer free." I fly up out of my seat and over to my parents, taking them both into a tight hug, "That's the best present of all!" I say as everyone else gathers around the 3 of us, all joining in to the group hug, although Bradley is sporting a puzzled look on his face, as he didn't know Ice had and now has beaten cancer. 

Everyone heads off to their respective guest rooms for the night. Javy and Tate together, Morgann's family in the room with her, and Bradley in his own room, that we had given him when he was younger, since he spent so much time between our house and Mav's growing up even after Carole passed away. Jake and I made our way to my room, but I paused outside of the door, "Hey why don't you go ahead and go on in, I'm going to go chat with Brad for a moment." Jake nods, "You sure you don't need me to come with you?" I shake my head no, "No I'll be alright, just going to catch up with him for a little bit, and explain the Ice situation to him." Jake nods, as he points into my room, "I'm just in here Darlin' in case you need me." I chuckle, "Thanks Jake, I'll be back in a few minutes."

I pad my way down the hallways towards Bradley's old room, and upon reaching the door I knock on it softly. I hear some movement, and a moment later, a shirtless Bradley is opening the door to see who is outside of it. "Hey." I say softly, "Can we talk a minute?" He nods, opening the door, more allowing me to walk as he closes the door behind me, before walking over to the bed, and sitting down. I sat down next to him.

"How long?" he asks, his voice cracking just ever so slightly, asking about Ice. "We found out, about a week and a half after I started Top Gun, and that was about, maybe 9 weeks ago. I tried to call you, but I guess you didn't have service." He nods, "Yeah, I just got back from a deployment about a week or two ago." He says quietly. I hugged him tightly, "I've missed you." I say barely audible but just enough for him. "When do you leave again?" He hugs me back resting his head on mine, "On the 27th, have to be back in Virgina on the 28th." I sigh. 

"So boyfriend, huh?" Bradley asks, and I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Yeah, I met him during the plebe summer when we were in the Academy." I chew on my lip, "He became one of my best friends, but he'd never replace you, but he did lessen the blow of not having you around. We just started dating about a month and a half ago. Before you ask because I know you will, yes he does make me happy." Bradley frowns hearing me speak about Jake filling the gap he left, thinking I'm not watching his reactions, but quickly swaps to a smile when he notices I'm looking at him again.

"I'm really happy for you Kota, and I'm glad you had him around for when I wasn't there. Hey uh, we should head to bed, maybe catch up more tomorrow?" I can tell he's upset, but I'm not going to push the issue, I nod, and make my way to the door leaving Bradley sitting on his bed. "Goodnight Brad, sleep well." I say before slipping out of the door, and back down to my room, to crawl into bed with Jake for the night. "How'd that go?" Jake asks once I'm settled into bed, and snuggled into his arms. 

"Oh it went as I expected. Not 1000% perfect, but he's happy for us, or so he says." Jake cocks his head to the side, "What do you mean?" I shrug a bit, "He doesn't think I saw him, but he looked sad when I answered his question about us, but immediately changed his expression when I really looked at him." Jake nods, "Well nothing we can do about it tonight, but I would love to get to know him more, I wanna know all the good stories about you, when you were younger!" I playfully smack his chest softly, "Oh can it you! Keep acting like that, and Santa's going to bring you some coal!" I say laughing, as we laid in bed, and eventually fell asleep for the night.

—

Christmas Morning

Jake is still sleeping pretty hard, but I give him a soft kiss on the cheek, before walking out to the kitchen to grab some coffee. "Good morning Koty." I hear my parents say, as I pad my way sleepily into the kitchen. I mumble back a "g'morning" to them. I grab my favorite mug, and a mug for Jake, before grabbing the coffee pot and pouring us both some coffee. I nearly jumped out of my skin feeling a huge palm rest itself on my shoulder, almost dropping both mugs of coffee. "Woah sorry Kota, forgot you were jumpy after you just woke up." I hear the sleep ridden voice of Bradley say to me. "Almost made me lose my coffee, and my favorite mug!" I say pinching my eyebrows together.  He just laughs at me, before grabbing his own mug and pouring himself his own coffee. I take that chance to swiftly make it back to my room, with Jake and I's coffees safely in hand.

Jake's awake, when I walk back into the room, softly kicking the door shut behind me. "Good morning Cowboy." I say while walking over to the bed and handing him the mug of coffee I got for him. "Good morning Darlin'." He replies back, voice filled with sleep and his southern accent coming out thicker. "Little Morgann is going to be awake soon, we should head out to the living room." He nods back to me, but not before grabbing the coffee out of my hand, setting it down on the nightstand and pulling me into his lap straddling him, my arms wrapped around his neck, pulling me into a needy kiss. 

We made our way with coffees in hand, to the living room plopping down on the couch. Tate sits at the arm end of the sectional couch, Javy to her left, then Jake. I'm tucked into Jake's left side, his left arm wrapped around my shoulder. Ice and Sarah are sitting on the loveseat next to the couch. Bradley saunters in with coffee in hand as well taking a seat next to me, and before we know it little Morgie is running in leaving her parents behind, screaming happily that Santa came as she spots the presents under the tree. 

Morgann spends the next hour ripping open her presents from everyone and Santa Claus. She was very excited to get a new squishmallow. I ended up getting her a little metal works model of an F-18 Super Hornet for her and I to build together later.

After Morgann finished opening all her gifts, she totes them all back to her room that she's staying in. Everyone else disperses to attend to our next little job of the day, my family and I get into the kitchen and start prepping the Christmas meal before the rest of the guests get here. Jake, Javy, Tate and Bradley all offer to help but Ice, Sarah and I decline their offer as they are guests today. We make a huge ham, some mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, some of mom's family's recipe of chicken noodles, rolls, and a roast. 

The food is almost done so I run off to get ready for the party, Jake on my heels in case I need help. I quickly shower, throw some dry shampoo in my hair before styling, and then I put on the gorgeous dress Tate bought me. I walk out of the bathroom holding the dress tightly to my chest. "Cowboy, could you zip me up?" He trails featherlight touches down my back before grabbing the zipper and slowly zipping me up, making sure to not catch my skin in the zipper. I turn around taking in his outfit. He's wearing his black Stetson, with a dark Navy blue button down shirt, a nice pair of dark wash jeans and his cowboy boots. "Cowboy you look—" I trail off taking in the handsome man in front of me, "—so incredibly handsome." 

—

A few hours in, and the party is well involved. Mav and Penny are here, as well as everyone from Ice's Top Gun class, and a few others he's met while stationed at other bases. I'm standing with Jake, Javy, Tate and Bradley while we talk to Slider, his family, and Sundown and Merlin's families. I lean over to Jake, whispering, "Hey I need a few minutes, gonna go grab some air outside." He nods, whispering back to me, "Do you need or want me to come with you?" I shake my head no, "No, I'll be fine, please enjoy the party, I'll only be gone a few minutes." He nods again, softly kissing the top of my head before I walk over to Ice and explain the same thing to him. 

I slip out the sliding glass door, and am immediately met with a small shiver as it's slightly colder in San Diego currently. I walk over to the fire pit, turning it on to warm up. About 5 minutes later I hear the door open and close, and before the person can get over to me I can already tell who it is. The wind blows wafting his musky cologne in my direction, and without looking up I call out, "Hey there Stud." I always imagined Bradley and I would've ended up like Carole and Nick. He approaches, saying, "Hey there Honey." 

He takes up the spot next to me, and I lean against him for the extra warmth. I look up at him sadly, and just above a whisper, my voice cracks, "You left, and then stopped talking to me." I feel his shoulders drop, "Honeybee I'm sorry, I never intended to stop talking to you, I just got through basic and then deployed almost immediately and by the time I wanted to reach out, it had been so long, I didn't know how to speak up." I sigh, "You know I almost gave up my dream, because I had lost contact with you?" He looked over to me saddened, "I found out after you went to the Academy, Ice called one day telling me about it." 

"So you and Jake huh?" I nod, "Yeah he makes me happy." I look over to the fire for a moment before looking back into those honey brown eyes, "I always pictured us together you know, thought we'd end up like your parents." He wraps an arm around me, "You know we still could?" I shake my head no, "No, I would never leave him for no reason, I can't do that Bradley." I turn off the fire pit wanting to get back inside to Jake, "We should head back inside, it's a little cold out here." I say getting up, leaving Bradley by the fire pit.

—

A few more hours later and the party is finally dying down. Jake, Javy, Tate and I go around saying our goodbyes. I give Bradley an extra long hug, "Please keep in touch Stud, I really do miss you, no matter how awkward it may feel." He nods, humming a mhmm to me, "I will Honey, I promise." 

We drop Tate and Javy off at their house, and before we pull out of their driveway, I reach over and pull Jake's cowboy hat off his head, plopping it down on mine while he's too busy to do anything about that. He stammers shocked about what just happened, "Uh Kota, you uh..." I chuckle at him with the biggest boost of confidence I could muster, and in a sultry voice I say back, "No I didn't know about the football Jersey rule," I pause a moment, "But I know all about the cowboy hat rule." He turns to look at me quickly, I throw him a wink, and I swear that man almost broke every traffic law in existence, to get us home fast enough to act on my new found confidence.

It took us no time to get in the door, his hat still sitting pretty atop of my head, he pulled me into another passionate, needy kiss, and I can feel just how needy he really is, as his body is pressed against mine. When we pull away, I breathlessly say, "Merry Christmas Cowboy." That was all he needed to hear, as clothing items were swiftly removed, each step of the way, as we made our way to the bedroom as quickly as possible. The need for each other was rapidly growing more and more desperate as we got closer to the bedroom. Safe to say, that was one rowdy Christmas night to remember.

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[grimm-rider]

Entry 24

On our way out of Edeya’s manor (it’s so funny to think she has a manor—I mean I knew it mentally, that her parents were major players and she’d been raised basically like a princess, but to actually see it’s another thing) Nestian stopped us. He told us there was a complication that had come up. I thought at first he was just going to reiterate the fact our families were in danger, that Elvanna had put a hit out on them. But he told us that his human mother was in danger. Apparently in the mirror dimension Nestian had met a summoned creature called an Eidolon that was his mother’s partner, and she had tried to get his assistance to save his mother. But he had refused, because he needed to save Edeya. Because he was afraid that Aenland wouldn’t make it to help try to assist us. Because he didn’t know where I was or what my status was—and even if I was okay I think he didn’t trust in me to get through a fight by myself. Which, given that quintessence golem the Mirror Edeya had become there at the end, honestly his instincts probably aren’t far from the mark. I wouldn’t have been able to affect that thing, it would have been up to Talsune and Roscoe if I’d been the only one there. And I would have had to deal with all of the swarm spirits on my own without Nestian’s handy Lightning Javelins. Which means if Aenland were there I’d have needed to rely on waiting for Nevra’s lightning breath to gather enough energy to be used again, and in the meantime we’d have been dealing with spirits throwing Harm at those who weren’t shielded from it by my power, and draining the lifeforce of those they touched. And if Aenland weren’t there we would simply have no possible way to destroy all of the spirits, unless I could lure them all together to hit them all with chain lightning at once.

Fortunately, that is not how it went. Nestian was there, and while he took a bit of a beating (I had to cast Restoration twice—once for him and once for Aenland, due to the spirits’ life draining effects), he was in one piece. Enough to be embarrassed and try to make an escape when Aenland and I implied that Edeya’s parents were his future in-laws.

As we talked, I mentioned casually that I thought that Elvanna was more afraid of us than she let on. The others agreed, but Nestian asked what made me say that. So I told them about my little venture into Abaddon to meet with Queenie. Edeya joked around, jabbing at me asking if I’d betrayed them. She obviously knew better. None of the others even insinuated that I would have considered it.

Funny. When did it get to that point? A few months ago I would have sacrificed Aenland to a talking tree for safe passage in a heartbeat—or for no reason at all, really. He was unbearable back then. I’m actually fond of that idiot now, even if he still grinds on my nerves sometimes, it’s in a less…volatile way. Nestian was just kind of a stick in the mud who I vaguely appreciated having a mindboggling protective streak. Now…I don’t know. Things are a bit complicated where Nestian is concerned, considering my master killed his father. But I respect the way Nestian always moves forward with what he believes and doesn’t let anything dissuade him once he’s set his mind to something if he believes it’s right and good. I might not care about all that moralistic stuff, but I can appreciate how much it takes a person to stick to their principles. I don’t have any, and it’s easier that way, but I know Nestian’s are important to him, even when they are utterly baffling to me. So I am…trying to respect them.

Edeya was the only one I liked from the start. My fellow Irriseni, a would-be Winter Witch who threw away centuries of tradition to walk her own path. It figures that I’d like her. It helps that before she took up her new semi-pacifist ideals, we tended to see eye-to-eye the most out of the group (now strangely it’s Aenland who tends to see things my way most often). Not that I told her everything. I do worship Norgorber—a few secrets are mine to keep.

Except for Greta. I’ll let her in on my secrets.

…

I miss Greta.

On our way to the rebels’ hideout, I cast Sending as we flew invisibly towards the clocktower. I asked Greta if she was okay and where she was. She replied immediately and confirmed she was okay. She didn’t confirm where she was, but instead apologized for fake dating someone whose name got cut out of the Sending as she ran out of words.

I’m glad she’s okay…I wish we weren’t running around so much right now. I’d like to try to find out where she is and meet up with her. Get her out of whatever situation she’s stuck in. Meet her ‘boyfriend’.

I’m not jealous, that’s ridiculous, Greta is free to do as she pleases. I’d be a damned hypocrite if I got possessive of Greta when I already introduced Cesseer into our relationship.

Aaaaand Edeya and I may have fake dated while Greta was away too, so we’re even anyways.

We arrived to the clocktower not long after that. We landed silently in the overlook where we’d once slain Logrivich—and where I’d made my favorite skeleton. We found the trapdoor leading down locked, and no one responded when Nestian tried knocking—because of course he did.

I think he just thinks it’s funny at this point.

No. Maybe if it were Aenland. Nestian just genuinely considers it the best course of action because he hasn’t died yet from all the times a door’s swung open and someone’s swung a weapon at him shortly afterwards.

I mean, I suppose if it works it works. But if he dies from it one of these days his girlfriend is reviving his ass, not me.

I used the Chime of Opening to unlock the trapdoor (it worked on the first try for once—good thing, I get a feeling it doesn’t have many uses left in it), and we piled down to the floor below. Where we’d once meet the captive singer Bella Belvorica.

Nestian began making a beeline for a bookshelf by the far wall. When Aenland dropped to the floor, he drew his bow and an arrow in one swift action, whispering something to his arrow as he drew it back, then released it. It shot past Nestian and straight through the bookshelf—which vanished as the illusion making it appear there was dispelled, as was an Explosive Rune behind it.

Behind there the bookshelf had been was an opening that appeared to have been created with Stoneshape, which led into a passage containing a spiral staircase leading down, deep down below the clocktower.

We followed the staircase to the bottom and came upon a large set of rooms that appeared to be made for a decent sized force.

But there was only one man there, who seemed particularly jumpy. However he seemed familiar with Aenland, and he accepted our explanation when we told him that Edeya’s parents were former Winter Witches and were harmless.

The rebel was awaiting the return of Solveig, who was still alive and their leader it would seem.

Unfortunately, a moment later another rebel came in with some scouts, and reported breathlessly that Solveig, Bella, and Donya has all been captured and were going to be executed imminently. Scout…the scout…directed us to where they were to conduct the execution, and we raced out.

We made it just in time. We split up to pincer strike the Winter Witches, with Talsune, Roscoe, Aenland, Nevra, and I swooping down from behind where the captives were tied. On the opposite side Nestian and Edeya would run in.

And we got some unexpected help. As the winter sorcerers who were acting as executioners readied their spells to end our allies’ lives, a woman with unusually colored skin stepped from a building and raised what looked like a gun but sleeker—almost like something you’d see on a Dominion ship, minus organic bits. When she fired it, an X was burned into the face of one of the sorcerers and then his head exploded.

It was spectacular.

That was our cue to swoop in. Aenland began firing, taking out one of the sorcerers immediately before they could get their wits about them. Talsune and I flew low over the heads of the captives and landed just in range for Talsune to run a blade through another sorcerer, and I crushed her bones in the same moment. I’d heard the woman with the gun mention that the sorcerers had put up fire protection and that was going to be an issue for her. So looked like it was going to be up to us to cut through them.

I didn’t have a problem with that. I was feeling bloodthirsty.

As Nestian darted onto the battlefield, bringing his axe down on the final sorcerer, the ground began shaking. A reverberating rumbling came, growing closer—enormous footfalls. Then an unbelievably large Rune Giant cressed the horizon, lumbering towards us. It was here to do Queen Elvanna’s bidding.

She had told me that she *was* Irrisen. Apparently the Rune Giants, at least, agree.

Unfortunately for the guardian of Irrisen, we had Aenland. And faced with the archer, the giant was slain with his usual brutal efficientness—just a hunter felling another beast.

While Nestian and Aenland were dealing with that, Talsune and I had lined up the remaining four Winter Witches and caught them in a deadly mix of flame breath and Mass Inflict. They were still standing, so I quickened a Boneshaker on the nearest for good measure. It was maybe a little petty—that particular spell caster had tried to polymorph me into a sheep a moment prior. And one of her buddies had tried the same on Talsune. But we’d both resisted—me with the help of the barrier of fate Vigliv had woven around us, and Talsune through sheer force.

Two of the Winter Witches stepped out of formation, one aiming what looked like another polymorph, but whoever he aimed at clearly resisted because none of us randomly became sheep or whatever. The other one caught Nestian, Nevra, and Aenland in a Cone of Cold. A moment later they, too, had arrows sticking from them.

Talsune slashed through the final Winter Witch, and when I saw she was still alive on the ground, just barely, I cast another Boneshaker to smother the last sparks of life in her.

Another life snuffed out.

I didn’t feel much better. I still missed Greta, and in the back of my mind I was thinking about needing to contact our families to warn them about Elvanna’s threats. It was hard to savor the deaths of a bunch of nobodies right that moment.

While we’d been dealing with the witches and giants and such, the prisoners had been escaping from their bonds. They were mostly all out once the battle was over. The woman was helping Donya with the last of his binds, and Solveig and Bella were already free.

The woman with the strange gun that could pop people’s heads introduced herself as Zernebeth. Now that I got a better look at her, not in battle, I also saw that one of her arms was like a construct’s arm, entirely made of metal. Either that or it was a very strange very flexible gauntlet that covered her entire arm. But seeing as she soon enough told us she had come to Irrisen from Numeria, I think it’s safe to say her arm is technological. One of the strange wonders hoarded by Numeria’s Technic League.

We quickly departed from the scene of the deaths of eight agents of the crown—after I used Decompose Corpse to make them all into much harder to identify skeletons (and perhaps giving a silent nod to the Pallid Princess, in making the bodies decay away). We reconvened back at the rebel base. Edeya’s parents had made themselves at home, having chosen a room for themselves from the ones available. Solveig told us she would have something she needed to go over with us, but she wanted to give us a little time to gather ourselves first.

So I took the moment to take stock of our new acquaintance—possibly ally. I asked her what her story was. After all, it’s not every day a blue one-armed lady pops up and starts shooting Winter Witches to save a bunch of rebels from execution. She must have a reason to be helping us.

Zernebeth was very open with us that she was a former captain of the Technic League, which she called a ‘vile organization’. We let her know we’d had some indirect dealings with them, as Queen Elvanna had been working with that raptor looking man at Artrosa. Zernebeth looked mildly disgusted with the idea of the person, identifying him as ‘Prosser’, and stating that explained where he had been. She confirmed that he was a terrible person. But, she also told us that the Technic League likely didn’t exist anymore as of two days ago.

Apparently the king of Numeria, one Kevoth-Kol, had been woken from his drug induced stupor and he’d done away with the Technic League who had been controlling things in his absence.

Now apparently an elite task force was being sent into a mountain at the capital of Numeria to deal with a different potentially world ending threat than the one we’re dealing with, with Elvanna. So if they fuck up, we could do everything right and save the world from being frozen over just to have whatever they’re fighting take control of the entire world. Apparently.

Not a very reassuring thought, but Zernebeth said not to worry about it. She seemed very confident in the abilities of the people handling it. So I suppose I’ll just have to trust they’re competent and won’t fuck this up for everyone.

I suppose they could say the same about us, but I’m confident in our ability to see this through, so I’m not worried on our end. I just don’t like the idea of leaving my potential life or death or freedom or whatever in the hands of utter strangers I don’t even know the capabilities of.

Zernebeth doesn’t seem worried though, and she seems like an intelligent woman—joining an ill-fated league of technofascists aside.

Zernebeth told us she would not be of much help to us at the moment—she was a powerful wizard, but she was currently sans her spellbook. If she could get that back she’d be a force to be reckoned with. For now she just had that blaster gun thing, which apparently had limited uses. I asked Aenland about the guns we’d collected for the rebels, thinking we could give one to her, but apparently he handed them off to Nadya before they separated, and we hadn’t seen hide nor hair of her since then.

In fact, all of our companions who weren’t our core ‘four riders’ were missing. Nadya, Greta, Jadrenka, Cesseer, Anastasia, and Dimitri were all missing without a word.

According to the two rebels Aenland had saved, those who were with them seemed to hear something and then gathered up all the guns they had brought and left for somewhere without an explanation. It sounds like they received a Sending. We’re theorizing it was from Jadrenka, because they were seen leaving with a black-haired half-elf woman—and with her skills Jadrenka could have easily switched out her Winter Witch disguise for a half-elf form to continue keeping a low profile.

Aenland suggested we Sending them. I told the others I could, but I had been planning on saving my uses of Sending today so we could all contact any family members Elvanna might be targeting to warn them. Nestian pointed out that our companions might be in more immediate danger. He said that if it came down to it, he would give up his uses of Sending.

Why does he always do that? Put others first and give up things? Doesn’t he ever get frustrated giving and giving and letting himself get hurt for others and never letting anyone else do the same for him? I don’t understand him. I just don’t.

I agreed, however, since clearly this is what everyone else wanted. We’d do it after we’d talked to Solveig.

Zernebeth seemed legitimately remorseful for the things she’d done in the past. Apparently, whoever was in this elite team had really made an impression on her. She told me that she first thing she was going to do when she got her spellbook back was make it up to Donya—she even had the diamond for it already.

The implication was clear. And that’s, I think, all the motivation any of us need to get her spellbook back. As if getting the help of a powerful wizard wouldn’t have been motivation enough.

That haunt we’d seen all those months ago, of the child who Nazhena had murdered…that all could be wiped away.

Zernebeth said she hoped even though redemption was dead, she could do this much. I told her she didn’t need gods to seek redemption. That’s a bunch of bullshit. If you want to be better, you do it. You don’t wait for a god to tell you it’s time, that’s lazy, that’s just making excuses.

Zernebeth seemed to like that.

As for me…I hope that bringing back that kid will smooth over the lingering sickness I feel every time I think about having worked with Nazhena—even if I only did it to get to Elvanna. I don’t know what all I did back then, how much I helped her when I pretended to be her friend, how much I got my hands dirty to keep the mask firmly in place. I know myself. I know if I had a role to play and I needed to not get caught under any circumstances then I would do whatever I had to in order to play the part—although I might have also done whatever I could to undermine her where possible when in her blind spots.

But since I’ll probably never get my memories back at this point, I’ll never know exactly what I did while rubbing elbows with the most vile people in Whitethrone. I could probably ask Baba Yaga…but I don’t know that hearing it would help any. It’s not productive.

I left Zernebeth to tinker with her gun thing. Aenland went off with Nevra somewhere, and Nestian told Edeya maybe she should go talk to her parents. She agreed, and grabbed Illivor to go catch up with the family she hadn’t seen in years. It’s hard to imagine what she must be feeling right now. I don’t know what I’d been feeling in her shoes.

Nestian and I were alone in the main meeting room. Nestian told me that he had something he needed to talk to me about. He explained there was something he’d left out from his story about meeting his mother’s Eidolon.

When he’d been returning back to reality from wherever he’d met this being, for a moment he saw many white tails.

We only know one person with multiple white tails. Especially someone connected to Nestian’s family in any way.

Nestian told me he’d originally come to the decision that he wasn’t going to kill Master Keisuke. Because I cared about him. He didn’t feel like revenge was worth hurting a friend by taking someone away from them.

But, he said very seriously, if Keisuke has his mother and she’s in danger, he will kill him. That’s different. That’s not revenge. He will do whatever he has to, to protect her. To save her.

I told Nestian I understand, and that he should do what he thinks is right—regardless of how I feel about it. He should go with what he feels he should do.

I’m never going to be happy about having to fight Master Keisuke. I’m never going to want it to come to that. But I understand…to an extent. I don’t understand Nestian foregoing revenge—that’s something I would personally never do. If someone killed a member of my family I would hunt them down and kill them, and if I were feeling particularly vindictive I’d kill their close family too—first, before I kill them, so they’d have to see it. And I don’t put nearly as much weight on family as Nestian does. That’s why Elvanna had better be ready for a storm if she actually touches my family, because she’s not going to break me that way, she’s just going to make me want to be more creative in the ways I kill her and perhaps ways to make her afterlife torment.

…I wonder if a wish that would affect Elvanna’s afterlife would count as a wish for my benefit…I could get very creative with ways to hurt her with a wish…

No I’m not wasting a wish on her.

Anyways…

I don’t understand him foregoing revenge. But I understand that he needs to save his mother. If someone I cared about were in danger, or harmed, I would tear whoever had caused that apart—and I expect no less from others.

Nestian seemed to accept my response. He asked me if I knew where Master Keisuke might be keeping his mother. The only place I could think of was the Nonagon—but if she was there then we had no way to get to her, its wards were far too powerful to try to brute force our way past from what I’d seen the one time I’d been there. I told him I knew of one place, but I didn’t know what the chances were he was holding her there, and if she was there I didn’t have any way to get there. I did tell him that if he wanted me to try speaking to Master Keisuke—maybe gather some information subtly—I can Send him without using any spells, so that option is always open. For the time being, he wanted to be more certain of things before he went that route.

That’s fine, although I will have to Sending Master Keisuke soon enough. He’d requested I reach out when I get back to Golarian. Once I’m not running around like crazy I intend to do so.

Solveig gathered us up shortly after Nestian and I spoke. She told us about the fact the rebels were fairly scattered at the moment—currently it was just the small handful they had here. The Iron Guard had been utterly decimated in the early days of the rebellion, and the other followers of the Everbloom had been scattered to the winds when the last base was compromised. Fortunately for them, Solveig had been granted a vision ahead of time by their patron deity and was able to evacuate and set up shop elsewhere for the handful she was able to track down again—but most of the rebels were scattered.

As for the Crone Queens, they had split Whitethrone amongst themselves and now most of them spent their time in fortified strongholds across the city. Only two could be found outside of strongholds: Vain Betyrina would flit from one social event to another—and kill anyone who dared comment on her desiccated visage—and Desperate Velikas controlled the Royal Library, which was surprisingly still accessible to the public.

The Royal Library was also where Zernebeth’s spellbook would be.

Solveig told us she would have a mission for us later tonight, but we’d have some time to rest before then. She had two powerful associates coming into town we needed to meet up with. A cleric of Cayden Cailean and a warpriest of Calistria. They would be arriving to a Winter Witch bar late this evening. And she expected a fight to break out—apparently trouble had a tendency to follow them.

I asked if a Winter Wolf would be out of place in this bar, and Solveig said they would not be—in fact the prince of the Winter Wolves and his entourage drank there sometimes. I filed that away for later. That would be perfect. I hadn’t planned on using the Rimepelt again without Greta’s go-ahead, but this was not the sort of situation to get caught up in thoughts like that. I was too recognizable without a disguise—and given my skin’s pallor it would take a lot of time and make up to make a passable disguise for me. But I was also the best at talking us into places (and talking us out of trouble). I could use the hat of disguise, but with Winter Witches anyone could have True Seeing on, or a dragon around, or a summon with True Seeing—relying on an illusion was a risk. The Rimepelt was a true transformation—looks, scent, and all from what Greta and Nestian have said. It would be a lot harder for someone to see through that disguise—especially since I know Winter Wolves intimately well at this point.

So we decided that I would go in with Nestian and Edeya, while Aenland, Nevra, Talsune, and Roscoe would wait for a signal on the roof across the street.

But that would come later in the evening.

As we split up to rest, I brought up the Sending spells again. I thought it would be a good idea to message the people who were in danger now. Nestian thought we should start with our missing companions. I agreed seeing as this seemed to be what everyone else wanted.

First I messaged Anastasia—my logic being she was a fairly clear-headed woman, on top of the fact that we desperately needed to know where the heir to the throne was. I asked her very basically where she was and what the plan was.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t taken into account one thing when choosing Anastasia as my target: she doesn’t know anything about magic. Not even the basics everyone in Golarian learns at a young age. Like the fact that a Sending is only 25 words long. (Unless you’re me or Master Keisuke and can bend those rules a little, but that’s a whole different story.)

I had to force me message through some resistance—the feeling of sending a message between planes. So that told us one thing: she was somewhere that wasn’t on this plane.

When Anastasia replied, she rambled on, and only got a little bit of actually relevant information to me. Namely that Baba Yaga had given her instructions to go to some sort of cache, and she didn’t know where she was exactly.

We figured based on what we knew, it was likely that Dimitri, Nadya, and Jadrenka were all with Anastasia. Which meant since I’d already checked in with Greta, only Cesseer was unaccounted for.

Aenland left, uninterested in hearing how Cesseer was doing, because he’s still being a total brat about monks. I messaged Cesseer and received a much more succinct answer from her. I could tell she was still on this plane. And she answered that the mirror had sent her to some sort of arena, possibly a jail of some kind. She was having to fight to survive. She was going to try to bust out when the opportunity presented itself. She was as okay as she could be.

So that’s…not optimal, but she’s in her environment, at least. She’ll be fine until we can find her, I don’t doubt that for a moment.

I conveyed this to Nestian, then asked him if he would like for me to message one of his family members. He told me that Aenland and I still needed to contact our families—he would go after us. I told him he doesn’t always have to sacrifice himself and put others first in every little thing. Nestian argued that his family could take care of themselves the best of ours—my family were just average people, innkeepers not fighters or magic users, not in any way prepared to defend themselves, and Aenland’s mother was in a fragile state. Nestian’s family were bears, and Peanut was apparently a powerful druid in his own right, so they were the best protected.

I wanted to argue. Not because he was wrong but because it bothers me that he keeps doing this. But I didn’t have an argument for that—he was right, loathe as I was to admit it. So instead I took a seat and cast Sending—channeled through the pocket watch for the final time I could this day, to steal away as many words as I could for this message.

To my mother.

I know myself. I wouldn’t have contacted my parents in the last year. The things I had gotten myself into weren’t for them—the life of a partially-undead double agent serving Baba Yaga was an entirely different world from the simple life of an innkeeper my parents were living. It would have been dangerous for them to even know about most of what I was doing. And how would I have explained it anyways?

So I knew as I cast the spell that this would be the first time my mother heard from me in over a year. With no idea I’d been through two deaths, a bout of amnesia, and made the deal to be one of Baba Yaga’s riders twice over in that time.

“I’m sorry I haven’t reached out. I’m fine, but you both need to take shelter. Ustalav was not far enough, Elvana has set her eyes on you.”

It was the best I could do with the words I had.

It only took a moment before I received a reply. I heard a voice I hadn’t heard since leaving for Irrisen, over a year ago. It only felt like a few months ago with my memory loss. It felt like a lifetime ago.

“Calio, it is good to hear from you. We will take shelter in our way. We have enough money for a wand. Will Send if anything occurs.”

That was good. That was exactly what I needed to hear. A tension curling inside that I had barely registered lessened slightly. Slightly. They weren’t safe yet—merely informed. My parents—and my friends’ parents—would not be truly safe until Elvanna had been dethroned.

Nestian pointed me in the direction of Aenland—because of course Aenland had to go first—so I made my way up to the roof where Aenland and Nevra were talking. Nevra asked me about Cesseer, so I told her what I’d learned. Then I told Aenland that I’d finished contacting my mother, and asked him if he’d like to reach out to his.

Aenland gave a bitter laugh and said that even if she were no longer comatose, she wouldn’t want to hear from the runaway who got her husband and favorite daughter killed.

I had nothing to say to that. I don’t know his mother. I couldn’t deny his assumption about how she’d feel, for all I knew he was right. I suppose I could have pointed to the fact he left to get a weapon to end Treerazor’s life rather than ‘running away’, but what difference would those semantics make?

Nevra filled the silence by suggesting we reach out to a Huntmaster instead. So that at least someone was informed of the danger. Aenland reluctantly agreed, and gave me some long-winded elven name with FAR too many titles, which took the combined brain power of both me and Talsune to even try to remember. I’ve already forgotten it. Huntmaster Grell Sun-something-something-shadows-and-something-about-leaves. Anyways I remembered it well enough at the time to get the Sending through. I warned the Huntmaster that foreign assassins from Irrisen’s current regime were targeting Aenland’s family, and to be on the lookout.

I got a very rude reply. This man is fortunate he is all the way in Kyonin, or I would have taught him some manners. He said he doesn’t know who I am, and he doesn’t know why anyone would target Aenland’s family—said in a tone that very much implied he didn’t think highly of my friend. But he agreed to be on guard.

I don’t know if I believe that he will take the threat seriously, given his tone. But I told Aenland that the Huntmaster was informed and would be on guard—and left out how rudely he’d reacted to Aenland’s name.

Aenland apologized for being such a downer. So I told him that he carries his sadness better than most people.

Hell, if he hadn’t said what he did, I wouldn’t have realized just how much all of this weighed on him. He always seems so above it all, so chipper and quick to bounce from one thing to another. It’s easy to forget that his father and sister were killed by Treerazor’s minions, and his mother left comatose. He doesn’t stew in it—at least not openly. If it were me, I’d be consumed by it. I’d throw everything I was into destroying Treerazor and getting sweet vengeance. I don’t think I’d be able to swallow down my anger in the way he somehow masks his sadness behind such a jovial persona.

I don’t know if I said the right thing. He seemed…confused, maybe? I don’t know. Edeya, or even Nestian, would have been better suited for this conversation than me. I don’t know how to comfort people, it’s like speaking a foreign language I never learned and I can’t cast tongues to cheat my way through it. I’ll make observations or point out facts, and sometimes I can think of an observation that might help deescalate someone’s emotions like I did for that lovely gentleman who was going to shoot himself in front of my friends. But comforting someone, trying to just make them feel better, whispering empty promises that everything will be alright and things will get better and ‘you’re going to be okay’, as if you can know that…that isn’t me. I prefer to act and to fix things than to talk about feelings.

As far as Aenland goes, fixing things could either be seeing his mother alive and well—which isn’t a guarantee. Or killing Treerazor and getting his much-deserved revenge. That second one, at least, I can help with. If he doesn’t just run off to do it with his mushroom girlfriend without any help from the rest of us, that is.

Anyways, once I was done Sending the Huntmaster, I returned to Nestian. I told him I had sent every single person we needed to Send except for anyone Nestian wanted to contact. I had two uses of the spell left, just for him.

First Nestian contacted Peanut. He asked for his mother’s and her Eidolon’s names, and let them know she was in danger. Peanut replied that Nestian’s mother’s name was Hilda and the Eidolon was Jiji. There were apparently quite the pair.

Then Peanut told us that he was going to be in town in two days—and that he was finishing this.

Those last words had a biting air of finality to them, and I felt like they were partially aimed at me. Or perhaps, more accurately, at Master Keisuke.

I told Nestian exactly what Peanut told me, not leaving anything out. Then I suggested since he knew his mother’s name now, he could use the final Sending to try to reach out to her.

After some hesitation—some worry she wouldn’t know who he was—he agreed.

He sent a message informing her that it was a message from her son via a friend, and asking where she was and if she was unharmed.

The Sending was received—I am positive it was received. But something kept the receiver from responding. I passed this information on to Nestian. She was alive, I could tell that much, but something was blocking her off from me.

That was enough for him for now.

We parted ways to rest until our evening mission.

That night we made our way to the Winter Witch’s bar. We ran into a patrol, but nothing we couldn’t handle—just some shapechanging golem in the shape of one of the Crone Queens, a couple of ice elementals, and some sorcerers. We got the drop on them and dispatched them without breaking a sweat.

As we neared the bar, I activated the Rimepelt and returned to the Winter Wolf form I’d used last time we’d been in White Throne. I wished it was Greta on my arm instead of Edeya—not that Edeya isn’t a lovely woman, she is incredibly attractive as well. But Greta would have loved kicking up some trouble in a Winter Witch bar.

At Nestian’s suggestion, Edeya and I were pretending to be together, while Nestian—in human guise—played the role of our bodyguard. Edeya joked about me seducing her away from Nestian, but quickly dropped it, saying she was sorry but Nestian was more her type.

I would hope so, seeing as Nestian is literally her boyfriend.

Not that I’d say no if the idea of having a third were ever floated, but neither of them strike me as the sorts who are into that sort of thing.

Anyways, we walked right up to the bouncer like we belonged there. He stopped us, noting that he’d never seen us around before. I told him that I was just in from Red Tooth. Edeya added that she was showing me the sights. Nestian remained silent—the picture of a strong and stoic bodyguard.

The bouncer gave us a once over, then stepped aside. He let me know that some of the patrons were a bit jumpy about Winter Wolves being in their wolf form in the bar, so it would be best if I stayed in human form. Although the venue was a popular place for the prince of the Winter Wolves and his entourage to make an appearance, so Winter Wolves were hardly a rare or unexpected sight there. As we walked past, he asked if we were here for the VIP event. I didn’t dare ask about it and risk blowing our cover, so I simply smiled and said of course.

Our little trio made a bee-line for the bar. I subtly scanned the room as we walked. There were a number of Winter Witches here, as well as an unexpectedly high number of Ice Devils which appeared to be for protection and intimidation purposes. By a back wall there was a curtain that seemed to lead back to some sort of VIP area, and two blonde brutes were standing guard.

In the middle of the bar was a man who seemed to be having an animated conversation with some admirers, a mug of alcohol in one hand and a small glass of wine on the table. I pegged the Caleanite immediately. He looked like a fun guy to have a chat with.

In a dark private corner of the room an elven woman was sitting with a man at her arm. She looked closed off and uninviting.

I knew who I was going to talk to first.

When we got to the bar Edeya ordered herself some wine, and me spiced wine, with a wink saying she knew it was my favorite. She’d taken note of Greta’s preferences, it seemed. I don’t know if ALL Winter Wolves favor spiced wine, necessarily. But I will say I’ve certainly gotten a taste for it, drinking with Greta, so Edeya wasn’t entirely wrong either way.

I took my glass when it was brought to me, and then made my way to the Caileanite’s table, taking a seat across from the man without waiting for an invitation. The man greeted me jovially, introducing himself as Joseph Molot, and I greeted him in kind, noting that he seemed to be the life of the party. We had a little back and forth—it may have dipped into a hint of flirting, it’s a bar these things happen—but it was purely for show, to keep suspicions low—as I reached out to his mind and telepathically told him that I knew he was here for the resistance. His grin grew at that, as he responded by saying his ‘little flower’ was reaching out.

He sent his admirers away, telling them to go ahead and get another drink at the bar. I asked him what brought him here, exactly? He told me that he knew that the big man himself was going to be here, so this is where he was going to be. He asked, what about me? Did I ‘ride’ here? I gave a sharp grin at how much he knew—or had surmised—and confirmed his guess.

Then Joseph decided he was going to stir up the hornet’s nest a bit. Make things a little more interesting before we left. He got up onto the stage, where some band or another was playing, and clinked his glass to get the room’s attention as he made a toast. He toasted to this fine city, thank goodness the riots had been quelled so soon so they could keep the downtrodden populace beneath them. And to Queen Elvanna—may she choke on her own blood.

I couldn’t help but grin at the immediate effect that single curse had on the room. Everyone froze. The Winter Witches rose from their seats, hands going to their wands. The two blonde brutes began cracking their knuckles. The Ice Devils didn’t seem to react—but I suspected they were buzzing with anticipation as well. I stood, drinking down the last of my wine and then dropping the glass to the floor as Joseph asked if it was something he said.

No one knew I was on his side yet. I could work this to my advantage.

A moment later the woman from the corner of the bar stormed up onto the stage. The woman began telling him off about the things he’d said—saying she couldn’t believe he’d say such things and get everyone all riled up…without her. In the blink of an eye there was a whip in her hand, glowing with some sort of greenish light.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Nestian and Edeya approaching me. Nestian was motioning for me to use the Stone of Farspeech. So I did, telling Aenland up on the roof that shit had just gone down. Although I’m sure Talsune was already well aware and on his way to swoop in and join me for this brawl.

Someone charged the stage and all hell broke loose.

And as it did, the curtains to the VIP suite opened.

And out stepped Vain Betyrina—one of the remaining ten Crone Queens, asking who had dared crash her party.

[captainsspnanon]

C2E64 - A Dangerous Chase - rewatch reaction

I think I’m ready for some journey to Bazzoxan tonight!  Definitely won’t get it finished, but ready to jump in.

(also I just bought a crap ton of dice.  I already have 10 sets.  I only play dnd once a month.  I am a full goblin at this point.  This was honestly one of the reasons that I was scared of getting into dnd, because I KNEW I would go goblin.  I tried not to for like, a year, and now I’ve given in.)

….So.  I also watch an Australian pokemon go youtuber, ProPlanty. …..I just want to know how he would react to this ad bit from Sam.

THAT’S a shirt that’s never been restocked!  Wonder what it looks like up close.

*removes a whole bunch of math in regards to locate object with the realization that the problem is not distance in dnd being bs, the problem is me and my failure to conceptualize any level of ‘higher’ math now that I’ve been out of school for ages.  I used to take calculus!  Now I use a calculator for everything.*  Well, one legit piece of info I did get is that when they sensed Obann at the edge of the 1000 ft spell, it would have taken one of them only just over 1.5 minutes to dash to get there.   ….wait.  *does more research*   World record for a 300 meter dash (which is 984 feet) is 30.81 seconds (Wayde van Niekerk from South Africa on June 28, 2017).   ….I am reminded of many posts online talking about how you really shouldn’t try to relate dnd to real life.  I am learning that lesson for myself.  (Beau with her movement of 45, using dash and step of the wind, would run 1000 feet in 44 seconds, so that’s at least

No I’m not going to continue that thought.  I am backing out of that tangent that ended up being useless and getting back into the episode.  I’m still only in the Last Time On!

For what it’s worth, I fully recognize that Laura and Taliesin both being in the black and yellow outfits means that I’ve seen clips or gifs from this episode for SOMETHING, but I can’t think of what it could be!

Ah, the discussion about “Orphanmaker”.  I still have quibbles with the reasons for the name, because it just plain confuses me.  I suppose it’s indicative of the attitudes of the tribe, that they give each other tough sounding names despite not living up to it, but it always ends up muddling how I feel about the name.  I also suppose that this is the point of the name though, that it ISN’T some narratively clear cut “Yasha earned the name through her actions with Obann but since she can’t remember it she doesn’t know how she got the name and thus how she would relate to being called it”. Instead it’s “Yasha was given the name by her tribe, basically just considered it a nickname/title, then actually ended up earning it under Obann which she doesn’t remember, which now adds a layer on to how she may feel or relate to the name once she knows about her past again”, which isn’t bad don’t get me wrong!  But it doesn’t slot easily into a story beat, which I guess is why I struggle with it at times (which says more about me than anything). To be fair, a reason for it may have been Ashley choosing the name to 1) sound badass and 2) give Matt something to play with during her amnesia times.  Does Ashley ever actually clarify out of campaign? (I also wish we knew what Zuala’s tribe name was.  As it is, I think we only ever know Orphanmaker and Skyspear?)

I love how Matt will present Option Safe and Option Cool and the group ALWAYS goes for Option Cool.  Travis’s delight at going through the Barbed Fields, the “ground zero of the calamity” is so palpable.  It also makes me even more happy that Travis was in the Calamity one-shot, he deserves it!  LOOK HOW EXCITED HE IS.

(I also love how Matt will sometimes take a joke and play it super straight – Sam asking Maruo if she’s seen Stranger Things and Maruo responding that she’s only seen half of the first season [hey me too], such a well balanced joke that throws everyone off)

Pike spoke Undercommon?  I did not know that!  Then again, I thought Yasha DID speak Undercommon.  No, critrolestats has her with just Common and Celestial.

Aw man, they never do get to Charis.  To be fair, I’m not surprised that Caleb doesn’t know what it is on a 26, I’m assuming it’s just a regular place in Xhorhas.  *looks at the wiki* Okay, a sweet little place, but not devastating that they didn’t get there.  Not worth a one-shot either.

I do love when this group is just all on different pages but all focused towards the same objective.  I think this is the most obvious moment of it playing out, with Maruo even referencing the mixed messages several times.  I don’t think any other group was this Messy, but it works when it’s the Nein.

I love the moorbounders so much!!  I think they’re about to lose them though, yeah?  Don’t they leave them in Bazzoxan and never get them back?  SAD TIMES.

I’m really glad that Ashley rolled high for Yasha to be able to share information about the Barbed Fields.  Because of where she’s from, she’s not really a PC created for infodumping, especially because the areas of Xhorhas that they have gone to are outside of her travels.  But being able to give a good chunk of info about the Barbed Fields has to feel good.

Ah, maybe this is the moment why I recognize the outfits?  Beau needing a short rest but refusing to ask for one, so Caleb immediately telling the group how weak he is and how much he needs a rest.  These two are SUCH a great pairing.

I don’t know if I remembered the joke before it happened, or if I just got it before they did it, but after Jester and Caduceus indicating to use spells at the end of the day, I did the little les mis singalong too XD

Ah no.  This is the Canon episode.  So far we’ve got “don’t shoot the messenger”, “don’t beat a dead horse”, and golf. Edit from later – and ravioli!

Slight spoilers for campaign 3, but I miss the sense of travel and exploration we have from C2, which doesn’t make SENSE because there IS travel and exploration in C3!  But for whatever reason, it doesn’t resonate as much with me like journeying through the Barbed Fields and stuff, and I have no clue why.

WAIT THIS IS WHERE YASHA GETS THE SKINGORGER???  I 100% forgot and thought Obann gave it to her!!  Maybe he only gives her the breastplate.

Fun fact!  I have no clue if this is just me or not, but I haven’t felt like any of Yasha’s swords actually FIT her, you know?  The Magician’s Judge, Skingorger, the Holy Avenger, Scaldsaber, they all SOUND cool AF, and apparently cleaver-style swords are her thing, but I dunno.  Maybe it’s because the fact that she did use so many swords that it ended up feeling like there wasn’t one that fit her well.  Unlike Fjord, where he has the falchion which just absorbs different characteristics, and then gains …. gains…. Hold on…. wiki help me….the Star Razor.  And both of those swords feel so strongly like they FIT, and the changeover has strong significance and character impact.  Whereas Yasha is just a little more like a videogame, swapping out one weapon for another when it’s better suited for it.  I suppose not everyone needs an Iconic Weapon though. How many weapons did Grog end up using?  Wiki shows EIGHT different weapons!  Plus just whatever normal axe he used at the beginning of the campaign which doesn’t even look like it’s on his wiki page so NINE?

For what it’s worth, cool combat!  Just not much to say.

Have I mentioned that I’m super mixed on the nickname Jessie for Jester?  Like, it’s a completely legit nickname that fully makes sense in context, and it’s cute that they all start having a nickname for her, so I do love that.  On the other hand, it’s just kind of a regular name?  Fjord, Yasha, Caduceus, Nott – all insanely unique names.  Beau/Beauregard?  Uncommon and rarely a female name.  Caleb is a normal enough name, but I feel like that 1) works with this concept, and 2) I mean, Bren Aldric Ermendrud is so not a normal typical name, and I feel like adding Widogast helps make it more unique.  And then “Jessie”.  *shrugs*  It’s a pretty stupid whine on my part, but it’s the bit of mixed feelings for the nickname.

Fjord giving Jester a kiss on the cheek, causing her ALL sorts of confusion!!  Honestly?  I’d love to know the out of game conversations that Laura and Travis had in regards to in game romance.  We know the bits said on Talks, but I’m assuming that those are exaggerated for humorous effect.  If I had to come up with and submit a question for the tower on 4SD, it would probably be ‘what is an example of some out of game conversations you have had with the other players or DM that you would feel comfortable sharing?’

Caleb uses Magic Missile more than I remember him doing so.  Then again, I think I underestimate this spell.  I remember being, not annoyed, but feeling like Matt wasn’t have Essek be super efficient during the Lucien fight when Essek just kept using Magic Missile. Probably just my own biases against the spell.  It IS automatic damage, no roll to hit or saving throw, so that is beneficial. Critrolestats says cast a total of 20 times, so it’s not like it was one of Caleb’s high use spells.  I think I think of it like Chromatic Orb – good for very early campaign and that’s all.  Can you tell I don’t play too much dnd yet?  (to be fair, also just played a druid, messing around a bit with a rogue now)

(looking at critrolestats, I’m sad that they didn’t track the spells that Essek did, but it makes sense because they don’t track NPC spells.  Essek is a PC in my heart, okay???)

I don’t know if this is the first time that Nott gets a nat 20 immediately followed by a nat 1 on the auto-firing, but I know it’s not the last!  I feel like this happens at LEAST three times.

Ooo, nice!  Obann name drop AND the Angel of Irons in the same questioning of the head!  Smart plays, good deception checks, and well picked questions.

I do wonder if this plot thread of the cult was always meant to be a sort of open closed plot revolving around Yasha, or if Matt has/had further ideas for Tharizdun.  It honestly could go either way.

I forgot that we got a canon reference to Marion’s agoraphobia before it actually came up for the party.  I like that!  I’d misremembered and thought that the party was the first time. Probably just the first time we clearly see it from her.

It’s very interesting seeing Caleb pushing so hard to stop Luc from being brought to the Chateau, because he’s so sure that Marion is now under suspicion.  Liam pushes it in many episodes, and while it’s discussed, it’s also discarded and Luc is still brought there.  In reality, it’s only in episode 128 that Marion is ever in danger, and it’s because of the break in at the sanatorium that the party do, nothing to do with the letter.

I love the games where they don’t want to stop playing and beg for more time.  This time it was an option!  But Laura needed to stop for health/baby reasons, and that takes priority.

[writer-citation-needed]

It may sound crazy, to want to live the same day over and over again with no end in sight. Hell, I would have even thought it was ridiculous before I ended up here. However, it's really not as bad as the movies make it seem. Consider the following:

My social anxiety is practically gone. Don't want to talk to someone? I already know exactly where nearly everyone in my town is at basically every single minute! At this point I can pretty much navigate social life like a video game- the dialog tree only reaches so far after all.

So much time to watch TV, movies, read books, listen to podcasts, etc etc. This one seems like a pretty obvious perk. There's a lot of great stuff I would have missed out on with the loop, plus with the state of media I doubt anything good will come after me.

Well, I was pretty lucky to have my loop on a day with no bills or appointments or any major responsibility, really. I hated being an adult. It's great being able to just chill (not to mention, no more periods!)

I woke up with a warm feeling across my face, a beam of sunlight having been gracing my features for some time now according to my phone. Before all of this time loop business I wouldn't have woken up past eleven AM, but I don't exactly have a shift to wake up for anymore (I thank myself every day for having taken the day off) so I don't feel the need to rise and grind per se. Besides, nothing around here opens until later in the morning anyways.

As I dress and wash my face (I'm not so far gone in the loop as to stop caring about my hygiene, although of course I've had my fair share of lazy days) I try to make my mental to-do list for the day, knowing I'll have to write it down after breakfast. I've really taken to journaling the past few months of the loop, since it allows me to keep a record of everything I've done and how long I've been here. Otherwise, I think it would all run together.

Alright, list time, I think.

Today's a good day to finish up that sweater; it's nearly done. Kara will like the surprise. When is she at the library? Wait no, she doesn't go to the library. I'm thinking of Milly. Crap. I think Kara's at home 'til three, so I can pop by if I can finish that up soon. Great!

I haven't gotten around to trying Grouch's strawberry latte yet, that would be a nice treat. I'm honestly shocked it's taken me this long to get around to their coffee, I didn't hate it that much before the loop.

Maybe then I'll finish up Drag Race Canada. There's only what, five more episodes? Psh. (Thank god for Rupaul's franchising. The only way you could watch all those seasons is if you were in a time loop.)

That sounds like enough for today. I'm exhausted from running around yesterday. Someone should have told me not to make a batch of soap without knowing fifteen other people that wanted it! Oh well, it probably made their nights.

After a nutritious meal of Eggos and peaches I got to work on that sweater. Crochet didn't take to long to learn, and luckily there's a million patterns online for me to work through. It's a good hobby for me. I do feel bad for the library stitch group's yarn that I keep 'borrowing' for all my projects though. Luckily they won't remember me asking by the time the sun rises again.

I do sometimes wonder what happens to the material things within the loop. People I get. They wake up exactly how they were the day before. Objects, though? I've never had anything mysteriously disappear at night, nor has something broken magically reformed during the loop. This sweater for instance- once I give it to Kara, what will happen to it? Surely it won't stay in her closet forever. She'd notice a handmade sweater randomly at the back of her closer and know it can't have just have shown up. Maybe the material gets recycled throughout the universe or something, I don't know.

Without realizing it, I came to the last stitch. It's a nice little garment, not really meant for this summer weather but would do quite nicely in October.

I shove the sweater in my good old tote bag and slip on my sneakers before embarking on my quest to Kara's neighborhood, right by the elementary school. Going out used to be unnerving with the deja vu feeling being unavoidable, but I've found comfort in it after all these days. It's a lot like Stardew Valley in my opinion, With the right timing, I know exactly where everyone will be and how they'll react to whatever I do to spice up the day. Even someone like Kara, who I had only spoken to a few times before the loop, is someone I now know inside and out. I can hear her reaction now, "When did you have time to make this? Just yesterday you said you were swamped with assignments. It came out lovely though. Thank you." She wouldn't even-

I lose my thought alongside my footing as I stumble on the sidewalk and fall flat on my face. At least the sweater blocked some of my body from the impact. I look back to make sure I didn't drop anything, but what I see confuses me more than anything that could have fallen from my bag.

A person.

On the sidewalk.

I know it doesn't sound like something that would warrant such a reaction, but you need to understand that there hasn't been a single person on this road in all the hundreds of days I've taken this route in town! That's why I go this way. So imagine my surprise to see a real, genuine human being curled up on the ground much like I am now after my graceful maneuver.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." The figure begins to say. Their voice pierces through my ears like when metal scrapes against itself. I wasn't meant to hear it. It's wrong. Why?

"Who are you?" I blurt instinctively. I don't recognize their tone, their accent, their vocal quirks.

"I'm Dell," they reply. A name I've never heard around these parts.

My guard goes up.

"I'm Lila."

"Again, I'm really sorry for making you fall. I hope you aren't hurt." I look closer at Dell's face. They really do look sorry. Maybe for more than just our collision. Their eyes look puffy, their hair unbrushed. To summarize: a wreck.

"It's okay. Nothing a bandaid can't fix." It sounds foreign coming out of my mouth- I've never said anything like that before.

I barely hear when they mutter "I wish a bandaid could fix all this."

Again, alarm bells. Why haven't I ever seen Dell here before? I can practically count the leaves on the trees after the number of times I've walked down this very road. Surely I would have stumbled into them (literally) one of these days. Still, I can sense that they have something more going on. I can't let myself treat the people around me like NPCs just because I (usually) know their every move.

"What's wrong? If you don't mind my prying." I've sat up at this point. We both face the road now.

"It's not something I can really explain."

"Dell, believe me when I say I am probably dealing with something weirder"

They sigh. "Okay. I guess it won't really matter anyways. You'll forget it too."

Dell thinks, choosing their words wisely.

"I just feel like- like I'm trapped. And the world keeps going on without me, and I can't figure out how to change it. Change anything."

My eyes widen. It makes sense now, their unfamiliar face, strange voice and sudden appearance in my once comfortably unchanged routine.

Dell's like me.

"Me too!" I say a bit too enthusiastically. Seeing their look of disbelief, I continue, "no, I really mean it. I've been here for a while. On this day."

It's Dell's turn for shock. "Really? You aren't messing with me?"

"Nope. If you want, I have proof." Dell nods. You open your tote bag and reach for your notebook (you've grown accustomed to taking it with you so you can take note of any creative ideas you have or interesting things to mark for the future). As you flip through the dozens of pages already filled, Dell's jaw drops.

"How long have you been here?" They ask meekly, like they don't want to hear your answer deep down.

"I only started keeping a serious record about five months ago but it was a while before I thought of it."

Dell frowns. "And you don't know how to end it?"

"I haven't tried. Honest, it's not so bad. Like reading the script for a play. Everything falls into place perfectly." I offer them my favorite upside.

"I just wanna go back. I miss my life. My real one. With unpredictableness and everything." Dell whimpers. They look like they're going to cry, and it makes them look younger than they already did. I hadn't thought of it before, but it's entirely possible that they're a child. It must be hard for them.

New item added to my to-do list: help Dell leave the loop.

I don't know if it's even possible, really. I certainly haven't thought about learning the lesson that landed me here. Why would I? I get to enjoy all the best parts of adulthood without any of the responsibilities. It rules. I try to explain this, but it falls on deaf ears.

"Don't you miss your family, Lila? Your friends?"

Another thing I hadn't thought much about. I had fallen out of touch with my friends after high school, and since moving away from my parents I don't call them much.

Huh. I haven't called them at all.

My stomach churns.

Dell can see the way my lips frown. "Lila?"

It must be harder with loved ones near you. Not celebrating holidays or good news or anything other than one day's set events. Not being able to tell them what's happening, or worse confessing to them and having them wake up the next morning with no clue of your situation. No one to turn to, no one who understands. Not a single unplanned moment.

"We'll get through this. I'll make sure." I take a deep breath. I don't know what to do for know, but I know that I'll be able to think better with some caffeine.

"Have you tried Grouch's before? It's a really good cafe."

Dell shakes their head. "My dad says they have terrible coffee."

I laugh. "I thought that too, but give it some time and your mind might change"

We stand up and I lead the way. The sweater can wait- I can just deliver it again tomorrow.

Now, I have a much more important goal.

I have to get out. For Dell. For myself.

You are stuck in a time loop, but you have no intention of ever breaking out of it. After literally millions of resets a new person appears in the loop and asks you why you are still in the loop.