#honestly I’ve had to deal with some hard stuff this semester but God also keeps throwing blessing after blessing at me and I’m like ???

[sailforvalinor]

So I’m back from my surprise Thanksgiving holiday with my mom, in which we:

May have visited a certain pub where certain famous fantasy authors used to gather to talk about their stories, although we couldn’t go inside (screaming crying throwing up etc)

Drank lots of tea, lots and lots of tea (glory hallelujah)

Went to a play—albeit, a pretty bad play, but hey it was a play

Played obscure board games and had an absolute blast

Visited several book shops that I nearly cried at the size of

Tried mince pies for the first time, and liked them

Got Christmas ornaments of Emma and Knightley!!

Bought a Pride and Prejudice-themed card game, playing it was hilarious

Feeling overwhelmingly blessed this week

[blueluneacy]

Confessions

AAAAAAAAND WE DID IT BOYS! Yes, I am posting this late. no, I do not care. it’s the TA!Jotaro/reader first place fic!

Word Count: 4k

Also on AO3!

Warnings: not sfw, slight manhandling, bratty ass reader, slight dubcon if you squint, cumming inside

Maybe this wasn't the best outfit to wear to lecture. It really did fit rather tightly around your ass, and god, if you lifted your arms, half of your torso showed. It really didn’t leave anything to the imagination, but who cared? I mean, maybe, but also, you didn’t care much. I mean, what was the worst that could happen, right? Your TA stares at you the entire class? Newsflash, he does that anyway. It was so obvious that Jotaro Kujo had a thing for you, and it honestly boosted your self confidence at least tenfold. He was attractive, strong, and smart. Anyone attracted to men would want to be with a guy like that, but he kept to himself mostly. If you weren’t more perceptive, or maybe if he wasn’t so weird about it all, then you probably wouldn’t have noticed in the first place. But the way his eyes seemed to keep on you for a moment too long, the way he lingered by your desk for just a moment longer than everyone else, the way he almost seemed to freeze up when he heard your voice, it was all too obvious. 

But then, why didn’t Kujo admit it? You were constantly dropping hints at this point that you were interested, often loudly talking about how you were single and looking for a partner while you knew Jotaro was in earshot, but he wouldn’t bite. Not that you were interested in him or anything… Well, that’s a lie. You totally were interested in him, but Jotaro was interested  in you first, so he had to be the one to admit that he liked you. Those were the rules. Totally.

But, alas, you didn’t have much time to really consider the pros and cons of your outfit. You only had Kujo’s discussion today, thank god. It should be a crime to have class on Friday anyway, not to mention that it was at ten in the morning. It should be illegal to have a class this early. Yes, you were at this point nocturnal, but you were also in college. You don’t exist before noon. So naturally, you were up getting ready for your class way later than when you told yourself at three AM last night, and you kind of had to get a move on.  You already had forfeited a real breakfast, stuffing bagels into your backpack and eating them during your discussion would have to do. 

So you headed off on the uneventful walk to your class. Thank god it wasn’t on the other side of campus, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have come for most of the semester. It was always such a hassle to get all the way over there, you didn’t want to deal with it. You couldn’t remember if you actually checked where this class was when you signed up for it, so you couldn’t be certain if this was some sort of foresight on your sight, or just plain luck. Either way, you got to the classroom pretty quickly, sitting down exactly 2 minutes before class was supposed to actually start. You snagged a seat towards the back so you could eat your bagels in peace, but still seem like you were totally paying attention. Jotaro’s eyes on you didn’t go unnoticed, but you couldn’t care to comment on them now, too invested in the idea of food as you pulled out your notebook to take notes on whatever was going to be rambled on about. Jotaro stayed on topic with your chapter, but he seemed to have preferences in what he was talking about. You could tell that what he enjoyed talking about and what he didn’t, because it just showed in the way his tone changed based on the topic. But today… Well, you weren’t paying so much attention to what Jotaro was saying, as the tone of his voice. His voice seemed lower than usual, with a strange gravelly quality to it. Was he sick? I mean, his eyes were on you, they tended to be, but they seemed so much more glued onto you than they were before. You took a bite of your bagel, not even remembering the outfit you decided to wear today and the possible effect that it might have on the man you were certain was at least mildly attracted to you. Nah, you were too busy with that damn bagel. 

So, you let yourself get lost in the cantor of Jotaro’s voice as he talked about this or that regarding this biology course. Truly, you could care less. He was just spitting out everything that the professor had to say during lecture, so why bother? You had your notes and you were fairly sure you understood everything that was discussed. And if you found when you finally reviewed your notes that you had no idea what was going on, then you could go to the million review sessions that were available to you before the text. It would really be fine, absolutely no worries. And thank god, discussions were only fifty minutes. You told yourself that you were going to go back to your dorm and study after this, but you knew deep in your heart that you were going to scroll through social media for an hour, get an early lunch, and then go back to sleeping until like five, where you would rouse yourself and prepare to forget the entirety of your evening. Well… At least, that was the plan, anyway.

And that was that. Class ended without a hitch, and you slowly started to pack up your stuff. It seemed so tiring to have all these people try to cram information into your head so quickly, but alas. College was needed for basically every job industry these days, there was no way really out of it. That didn’t mean you weren’t going to complain on an almost daily basis though. You were thinking about whether or not bacon was going to be left when Jotaro’s voice cut through your thoughts, forcefully and without shame.

“(Y/n). A word after everyone clears out.” You would smirk at that, but the tone of Jotaro’s voice wasn’t what you expected. It seemed frustrated, almost angry. Oh fuck, what had you done wrong now? What possibly could you have done to get yourself in trouble, the whole time you were just sitting in the back and… Wait, was eating in class allowed? Oh no. Oh god, were you really going to get called out for fucking eating a bagel? Life was truly cruel. 

You swallowed as you watched everyone trail out of the room, silently pleading that someone stay, keep you from this nightmare that was confrontation. God, when you said you wanted Jotaro to talk to you, you didn’t mean like this! But everyone left, the door was closed behind Jotaro, and you lugged yourself over to the front of the room to sit across from his teacher’s desk. You didn't even notice how Jotaro locked the door.

“I assume you know why you’re here.” His voice seemed so careful, measured as he sat down, and for once, his piercing eyes made you shrink into your seat. But no, you couldn’t just give in and give up now! You had to be strong! Or, at least act like you were strong.

“Yeah, and I’m not sorry, it was just a bagel, dude. If you have to get your power fantasy from yelling at me for fulfilling a basic need, then maybe see a therapist.” You crossed your arms, vaguely noticing how it pulled your top just a little lower. Jotaro snorted and shook his head, actually amused at how confident you were. About the completely wrong thing, but hey. You really had the spirit.

“You really think I would give a damn about a some stupid bread? You know, I thought you were maybe playing hard to get, but maybe you’re just dense.” He replied, leaving you just a bit shocked. You were so trapped in the euphoria of bread that you forgot you were wearing clothes specifically meant to drive Jotaro wild. “You think I wouldn’t notice your little stunt. I ought to tear off that little outfit and fuck you over this counter like you deserve.” There was a certain growl in Jotaro’s voice that left your knees weak, and you struggled to keep up with the sudden change of demeanor. Maybe you didn’t know Jotaro as well as you liked to think you did, not able to read him as well as previously interpreted. Still, you did your best to pull yourself together, hoping to strike back with some semblance of wit. Even if Jotaro was expressing some sort of feelings for you, you weren’t just going to show all your cards now. Best to keep bluffing and see how the match turns out.

“If that’s what I deserve, I’m not sure I have many objections. But are you actually going to do it, or are you just going to continue to sit there and talk?” You let a smile crawl across your face as Jotaro’s expression got darker, and in what seemed to be instant, he was on the other side of the desk, his lips crashing against yours. You gasped against the kiss, allowing Jotaro to push him tongue into your mouth as his hands reached your hips, grabbing onto them tight. He remained there for a good moment, pulling away when you were finally gasping to put air back in your lungs. He just growled as he used the moment to help pull your top off, throwing it to the side as his eyes took in your form.

“Such a dirty thing, dressing up like that. You like the attention, don’t you? You should only be seen like that by me.” He leaned in to run a hand through your hair as you eagerly moved to unbutton Jotaro’s shirt, ready to get this moving as much as he was. “You’re fucking mine, no one else should be allowed to see you like that.” He replied. You just laughed and hummed as Jotaro shrugged off his coat, ready to bite back just a bit.

“Oh, I’m yours now? I don’t recall that ever being something we agreed upon. Maybe I’m missing something? Like the part where you confessed your feelings to me?” You teased, Jotaro’s freed arm wrapping around you to bring you just a bit closer. It was like if he didn’t hang onto you, you might flutter away, like sand slipping through his fingers, never to return.

“I’ll make you mine then, fuck. You don’t know what you do to me, how many nights I’ve been awake without you there. I love you, you should’ve figured that out by now.” Jotaro grumbled a bit, almost childishly. You paused for a moment, before laughing a bit, shaking your head. God, maybe the reason Jotaro was so quiet was that he never could get out his words in a cool way. When he started talking in a way that wasn’t explicitly planned out, it was almost like he was just saying the first words that came into his brain. Well, maybe he was. Who can say. 

“I know. I was just waiting for you to come out and say it. I couldn’t tell if you were shy or just denying your feelings, so I figured I would give you time in case it was the latter.” Well, that was a total lie. You just wanted a cute confession where Jotaro was all blushing and shit, but that was all out the window now anyway, so who cared?

“Liar. You just were being a sadist.” He chuckled a bit, leaving you just to roll your eyes as you slowly moved down to your knees. Well, fuck it. The two of you were horny, and if you were keeping your shirt off, you were at least going to get a little action here. 

“Maybe I am. Wouldn’t you like to know?” You replied, moving to unbuckle Jotaro’s belt. Belts? It was confusing. Either way, you got the damn thing unbuckled and moved to Jotaro’s zipper, noticing the massive bulge that was clearly straining against Jotaro’s trousers. Jotaro was a big guy, so it would make sense that it would translate to that, but still. Gulp.

“You seem nervous all of a sudden. Why’s that?” You just rolled your eyes at Jotaro’s smirk, slightly tempted to tease him further just for looking that smug at you. But no, not today. Another time, maybe, but not today. You reached and yanked down his pants and underwear without much fanfare. He let a low growl out of his throat from the action, but you were more focused on the size of Jotaro in general. What was your plan for all of this again? You weren’t sure, but mama didn’t raise no quitter. You just leaned in and wrapped your hand around the base of Jotaro’s shaft, looking up at him coyly.

“I’m not nervous at all. Don’t you worry about a thing.” You told Jotaro before leaning forward, hollowing out your cheeks and wrapping your lips around Jotaro’s cock. He immediately let out a groan and let a hand rest on top of your head, his fingers weaving through your hair but not gripping down, allowing you to adjust and set your own pace. You saw Jotaro’s blissful expression and felt just a bit of pride well up in you, knowing that you were the one who caused him that. You slowly moved your head, only being able to reach about halfway before you hit the back of your throat, your body threatening to choke on him, but you make up for it by using your hand on what your lips couldn’t reach. 

You moved at a slow, worshipful pace, taking in the expression on Jotaro’s face as well as slowly working on getting your throat to relax so you could take Jotaro deeper. You could tell he was holding himself back from making any sounds, his teeth digging into his bottom lip so hard you swore that he was going to make himself bleed. You couldn't help but rub your own legs together, unable to sate that aching heat that was pooling in your gut, leaving you to let out a small moan. The vibrations only seemed to spur Jotaro on, unable to stop himself from bucking his hips slightly. You gasped, pulling away from a moment to take a breath, before smirking up at Jotaro.

“You couldn’t help yourself, huh? I bet you would like it if I let you-” You couldn’t get your words out before Jotaro’s grip on your hair tightened, pulling you forward and back down onto his cock. You gagged as he pushed all the way back into your throat, but he just groaned, rubbing your head slightly as if to comfort you. You moaned just a little, willing your throat to loosen just a bit, letting your own fingers dig into your pants as you whimpered at the heat inside of you.

“You talk too much. Just let me… That’s it, that’s better…” Jotaro’s voice was low, akin to something almost guttural as he began to move in your mouth, holding you tight enough to keep you still, but not so tight that you couldn’t move if you truly wanted to. You did your best to stay put, at least. It was actually sort of hot to be manhandled like this, not that you would ever admit that to him. You just moaned and did your best to breathe through your nose as Jotaro had his way with you, relishing in the way his hips would stutter just a little whenever you took the initiative to use your tongue or moan on you. You felt your drool start to drip down your chin as Jotaro’s hips stuttered a bit more, and you could tell that he was close to cumming. But it seemed that right before he actually did, he quickly pulled himself out of your mouth, leaving you to sputter and gasp for a moment. But that moment didn’t last long, Jotaro easily moving forward to push you to the ground, immediately moving to pull off your pants and underwear. You squeaked as your back hit the ground, Jotaro moving in to press his lips against your neck as he pressed up against your entrance.

“Fuck, I bet you would be so tight for me.... Please, let me, I want you so badly…” Jotaro groaned, and if you were any more lost in your own lust, you might actually say yes. But, your own rationality was enough to tell you that Jotaro was far too big, and you were not in the slightest prepared.

“J-Jotaro, please… You know you’re too big, I’m not ready yet… Soon, I just got to be prepared a bit…” You replied, and although Jotaro pouted just a bit, he obliged. You moved to use your own fingers, but Jotaro quickly swatted you away, pushing one of his own inside of you. You immediately let out a soft whimper. God, Jotaro’s hands were way bigger than yours, but still, you weren’t expecting something like this. You felt your toes curl as Jotaro poked and prodded inside of you, adding another finger to help scissor you open.

“G-God, Jotaro… Feels so good, fuck…” You whined, moving to drape your arms over Jotaro’s shoulders and try to pull him closer. It was nice to feel just his skin against yours. He felt so much warmer than you, like his heat was trying to swallow you up, bring you closer to him. Whatever it was, it was working. As Jotaro slowly worked you open, you felt your knees go a bit weak, Jotaro’s lips and occasional teeth on your neck enough to make you moan. Pray to god there isn’t meant to be a class here anytime soon.

You let out a displeased grumble as Jotaro pulled his fingers out of you, your body clamping around him in an attempt to keep him inside of you. Although you were still probably shittily prepared, it was enough for you to throw out all reason as Jotaro moved back to rut against you, a low growl coming from his throat enough to make you quiver.

“Beg for it. Beg for me to fuck you.” His voice was in your ear as he threatened to nip at it, unable to control his mouth from bruising you wherever he got access. Still, you weren’t opposed to the idea of begging. If it meant getting what you wanted, you might do anything.

“F-Fuck, please, Jotaro! Need you, need you so bad! I love you, please, I love you so much, want you to fuck me, please!” You barely registered the words coming out of your mouth, but Jotaro’s eyes widened and left him almost sputtering as he pushed inside of you, groaning as your nails dug into his shoulders. He pushed in slowly, staying still as he could while you adjusted to him. There was certainly a sting from the stretch, but it wasn’t anything that you couldn’t handle. You took a deep breath and tried to regain any semblance of self you had, only for Jotaro to start moving again, and you lost your composure all over again. 

Jotaro let his nails dig into your hips hard enough to draw blood, gripping you tightly as he began to thrust into you at a brutal pace, leaving you to moan as you tried to pull Jotaro ever closer.

“Tell me that you love me. Tell me again, please. Tell me, god, tell me over and over…” Jotaro groaned, and god, you were more than happy to oblige. Who even cares if you spilled the beans first in a technical sense? Maybe you said the words first, but Jotaro was more than happy to show his affection. Hey, you weren’t about to complain about it. 

“Fuck, love you, Jotaro. Love you so much, loved you since I first saw you, fuuuck, there, feels so good, I love you, please!” You whined out, Jotaro just growling and moving faster. You tried to move, to grind your hips against Jotaro the best you could, but Jotaro just held you in place, refusing to let you move. He was content in fucking you until you could barely move at his own pace, which just so happened to be as fast as humanly possible.

“I love you too, (Y/n). You’re mine, all mine, I love you so much, don’t ever leave me. Please, say you’re mine, I’m yours!” Jotaro growled, pressing his forehead against yours in an attempt to gain just a bit more contact with you.

“All yours, Jotaro, all yours! God, I’m gonna cum, please!” You whined out, feeling your body start to tighten and flutter on Jotaro’s cock, the coil in your belly threatening to snap at any moment you would let it. Jotaro just groaned, your words spurring him on to move faster, his thrusts becoming sloppy as he felt himself coming to a close.

“Fuck, cum with me, please, fuck, gonna cum inside you, fill you up, all mine, god-!” He groaned, snapping his hips forward one last time before you felt a warm heat start to fill you up, enough to push you over the edge and leave you clawing down Jotaro’s back, your eyes rolling into your skull. 

The two of you sat like that for a while, bodies pressed against each other as the two of you caught your breath, basking in each other’s presence. After a few minutes, Jotaro finally pulled out and let his lips catch against yours, pulling you into a sloppy kiss. You heartily pressed back into it, letting yourself melt into it as the two of you shared this tender moment.But, as soon as it began, it seemed to end, with Jotaro pulling himself up and starting to redress himself. You pouted, looking up at him.

“I guess you’re not the cuddling type.” You were half teasing, crossing your arms just a little to show you were just the slightest bit upset. Jotaro just rolled his eyes.

“I’m not a fan of cuddling on dirty classroom floors, no. You should have higher standards for yourself.” He replied, leaving you only to laugh.

“You didn’t mind the floor when we were-” You teased, but Jotaro only rolled his eyes and cut you off.

“Shut up. I swear, I don’t know how I’m going to survive you as a partner.” Jotaro replied as he pulled his belt on. The comment made you pause. Partners?

“W-What do you mean by that? Are you saying we’re dating now?” You asked, feeling your cheeks start to heat up just the slightest bit.

“What else? Seriously, you don’t know how to read the room at all.” Jotaro sighed, holding his hand out to you. You paused for a moment before taking it gingerly, only to be yanked up and pulled into Jotaro’s arms. You gasped, feeling yourself pressed up against Jotaro as he held you in his arms.

“Hey. I love you, you know.” You whispered, unable to keep the words from dribbling out of your mouth. It was quick, quiet, as if you didn’t want Jotaro to hear. As if it was some big secret, or that you were afraid that his strong arms would let you go if he heard those words. But he held onto you still, keeping you close to his chest as his hand brushed through your hair. It was almost tender, in a way that made your already jelly knees weaken.

“Don’t worry. I love you too.” Jotaro replied, leaning in to press a kiss against your lips. You let your arms wrap around him, praying that this was no dream. 

But this was real, thank god, and you never felt more at home than you did right now.

[morwensteelsheen]

I’m starting grad school this autumn and honestly I’m getting nervous. Like yes I am v excited about the whole prospect overall and I do miss being a student but am intimidated by 3 hr long seminars and thesis writing and massive amounts of reading… everyone keeps saying it’s gonna be very different from undergrad so okay, but how specifically? Is it the large amounts of reading? I already had insane amounts of reading (humanities degree hurrah) especially in my last two years but could you expound on your own experience and how you take notes/read quickly/summarize or just how to deal with first time grad students?

Oh, yeah for sure! A necessary disclaimer here is that I'm at a certain poncy English institution that is noted for being very bad at communicating with its students and very bad at treating its postgrad students like human beings, so a lot of these strategies I've picked up will be overkill for anyone who has the good sense to go somewhere not profoundly evil lol.

So I'll just preface this by saying that I am a very poor student in terms of doing what you're supposed to. I'm very bad at taking notes, I never learned how to do it properly, and I really, really struggle with reading dense literature. That said, I'm probably (hopefully?) going to get through this dumb degree just fine. Also — my programme is a research MPhil, not taught, so it's a teensy bit more airy-fairy in terms of structure. I had two classes in Michaelmas term, both were once a week for two hours each; two in Lent, one was two hours weekly, the other two hours biweekly; and no classes at all in Easter. I also have no exam component, I was/am assessed entirely on three essays (accounting for 30% of my overall mark) and my dissertation (the remaining 70%), which is, I think, a little different to how some other programmes are. I think even some of the other MPhils here are more strenuous than that, like Econ and Soc Hist is like 100% dissertation? Anyways, not super important, but knowing what you're getting marked on is important. I dedicated considerably less time than I did in undergrad to perfecting my coursework essays because they just don't hold as much weight now. The difference between a 68 and a 70 just wasn't worth the fuss for me, which helped keep me sane-ish.

The best advice anyone ever gave me was that, whereas an undergrad degree can kind of take over your life without it becoming a problem, you need to treat grad school like a job. That's not because it's more 'serious' or whatever, but because if you don't set a really strict schedule and keep to it, you'll burn yourself out and generally make your life miserable. Before I went back on my ADD meds at the end of Michaelmas term, I sat myself down at my desk and worked from 11sh to 1800ish every day. Now that I'm medicated, I do like 9:30-10ish to 1800-1900 (except for now that I'm crunching on my diss, where, because of my piss-poor time management skills I'm stuck doing, like, 9:30-22:30-23:00). If you do M-F 9-5, you'll be getting through an enormous amount of work and leaving yourself loads of time to still be a human being on the edges. That'll be the difference between becoming a postgrad zombie and a person who did postgrad. I am a postgrad zombie. You do not want to be like me.

The 'work' element of your days can really vary. It's not like I was actually consistently reading for all that time — my brain would have literally melted right out of my ears — but it was about setting the routine and the expectation of dedicating a certain, consistent and routinized period of time for focusing on the degree work every day. My attention span, even when I'm medicated, is garbage, so I would usually read for two or three hours, then either work on the more practical elements of essay planning, answer emails, or plot out the early stages of my research.

In the first term/semester/whatever, lots of people who are planning on going right into a PhD take the time to set up their applications and proposals. I fully intended on doing a PhD right after the MPhil, but the funding as an international student trying to deal with the pandemic proved super problematic, and I realised that the toll it was taking on my mental health was just so not worth it, so I've chosen to postpone a few years. You'll feel a big ol' amount of pressure to go into a PhD during your first time. Unless you're super committed to doing it, just try and tune it out as much as you can. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a year (or two, or three, or ten) out, especially given the insane conditions we're all operating under right now.

I'll be honest with you, I was a phenomenally lazy undergrad. It was only by the grace of god and being a hard-headed Marxist that I managed to pull out a first at the eleventh hour. So the difference between UG and PG has been quite stark for me. I've actually had to do the reading this year, not just because they're more specialised and relevant to my research or whatever, but because, unlike in UG, the people in the programme are here because they're genuinely interested (and not because it's an economic necessity) and they don't want to waste their time listening to people who haven't done the reading.

I am also a really bad reader. Maybe it's partially the ADD + dyslexia, but mostly it's because I just haven't practiced it and never put in the requisite effort to learn how to do it properly. My two big pointers here are learning how to skim, and learning how to prioritise your reading.

This OpenU primer on skimming is a bit condescending in its simplicity, but it gets the point across well. You're going to want to skim oh, say, 90% of the reading you're assigned. This is not me encouraging you to be lazy, it's me being honest. Not every word of every published article or book is worth reading. The vast majority of them aren't. That doesn't mean the things that those texts are arguing for aren't worth reading, it just means that every stupid rhetorical flourish included by bored academics hoping for job security and/or funding and/or awards isn't worth your precious and scarce time. Make sure you get the main thrust of each text, make sure you pull out and note down one or two case studies and move right the hell on. There will be some authors whose writing will be excellent, and who you will want to read all of. Everything else gets skimmed.

Prioritisation is the other big thing. You're going to have shitty weeks, you're probably going to have lots of them. First off, you're going to need to forgive yourself for those now — everybody has them, yes, even the people who graduated with distinctions and go on to get lovely £100,000 AHRC scholarships. Acknowledge that there will be horrible weeks, accept it now, and then strategise for how to get ahead of them. My personal strategy is to plan out what I'm trying to get out of each course I take, and then focus only on the readings that relate to that topic.

I took a course in Lent term that dealt with race and empire in Britain between 1607 and 1900; I'm a researcher of the Scottish far left from 1968-present, so the overlap wasn't significant. But I decided from the very first day of the course that I was there to get a better grasp about the racial theories of capitalism and the role of racial othering in Britain's subjugation of Ireland. Those things are helpful to me because white supremacist capitalism comes up hourly in my work on the far left, and because the relationship of the Scottish far left to Ireland is extremely important to its self definition. On weeks when I couldn't handle anything else, I just read the texts related to that. And it was fine, I did fine, I got my stupid 2:1 on the final essay, and I came out of it not too burnt out to work on my dissertation.

Here is where I encourage you to learn from my mistakes: get yourself a decent group of people who you can have in depth conversations about the material with. I was an asshole who decided I didn't need to do that with any posh C*mbr*dge twats, and I have now condemned myself to babbling incomprehensible nonsense at my partner because I don't have anyone on my course to work through my ideas with. These degrees are best experienced when they're experienced socially. In recent years (accelerated by the pandemic, ofc), universities have de-emphasised the social component of postgrad work, largely to do with stupid, long-winded stuff related to postgrad union organising etc. It's a real shame because postgrads end up feeling quite socially isolated, and because they're not having these fun and challenging conversations, their work actually suffers in the long term. This is, and I cannot stress this enough, the biggest departure from undergrad. Even the 'weak links' or whatever judgemental nonsense are there because they want to be. That is going to be your biggest asset. Talk, talk, talk. Listen, listen, listen. Offer to proofread people's papers so you get a sense of how people are thinking about things, what sort of style they're writing in, what sources they're referring to. Be a sponge and a copycat (but don't get done for plagiarism, copy like this.) Also: ask questions that seem dumb. For each of your classes, ask your tutors/lecturers who they think the most important names in their discipline are. It sounds silly, but it's really helpful to know the intellectual landscape you're dealing with, and it means you know whose work you can go running to if you get lost or tangled up during essay or dissertation writing!

You should also be really honest about everything — another piece of advice that I didn't follow and am now suffering for. The people on your courses and in your cohort are there for the same reasons as you, have more or less the same qualifications as you, and are probably going to have a lot of the same questions and insecurities as you. If you hear an unfamiliar term being used in a seminar, just speak up and ask about it, because there're going to be loads of other people wondering too. But you should also cultivate quite a transparent relationship with your supervisor. I was really cagey and guarded with mine because my hella imposter syndrome told me she was gonna throw my ass out of the programme if I admitted to my problems. Turns out no, she wouldn't, and that actually she's been a super good advocate for me. If you feel your motivation slipping or if you feel like you're facing challenges you could do with a little extra support on, go right to your supervisor. Not only is that what they're there to do, they've also done this exact experience before and are going to be way more sympathetic and aware of the realities of it than, say, the uni counselling service or whatever.

Yeah so I gotta circle back to the notes thing... I really do not take notes. It's my worst habit. Here's an example of the notes I took for my most recent meeting with my supervisor (revising a chapter draft).

No sane person would ever look at these and think this is a system worth replicating lol. But the reason they work for me is because I also record (with permission) absolutely everything. My mobile is like 90% audio recordings of meetings and seminars lol. So these notes aren't 'good' notes, but they're effective for recalling major points in the audio recording so I can listen to what was said when I need to.

Sorry none of this is remotely organised because it's like 2330 here and my brain is so soft and mushy. I'm literally just writing things as I remember them.

Right, so: theory is a big thing. Lots of people cheap out on this and it's to their own detriment. You say you're doing humanities, and tbh, most of the theory involved on the humanities side of the bridge is interdisciplinary anyways, so I'm just gonna give you some recommendations. The big thing is to read these things and try to apply them to what you're writing about. This sounds so fucking condescending but getting, like, one or two good theoretical frameworks in your papers will actually put you leaps and bounds beyond the students around you and really improve your research when the time comes. Also: don't read any of these recommendations without first watching, like an intro youtube video or listening to a podcast. The purists will tell you that's the wrong way to do it, but I am a lazy person and lazy people always find the efficient ways to do things, so I will tell the purists to go right to hell.

Check out these impenetrable motherfuckers (just one or two will take your work from great to excellent, so don't feel obliged to dig into them all):

Karl Marx and Fredrich Engels (I'm not just pushing my politics, but also, I totally am) — don't fucking read Capital unless you're committed to it. Oh my god don't put yourself through that unless you really have to. Try, like, the 18th Brumaire of Louis Napoleon for the fun quotes, and Engels on the family.

Frantz Fanon — Wretched of the Earth. Black Skin White Masks also good, slightly more impossible to read

Benedict Anderson — Imagined Communities. It's about nationalism, but you will be surprised at how applicable it is to... so many other topics

Judith Butler — she really sucks to read. I love her. But she sucks to read. If you do manage to read her though, your profs will love you because like 90% of the people who say they've read her are lying

Bourdieu — Distinction is good for a lot of things, but especially for introducing the idea of social and cultural capital. There's basically no humanities sub-discipline that can't run for miles on that alone.

Crenshaw — the genesis of intersectionality. But, like, actually read her, not the ingrates who came after her and defanged intersectionality into, like, rainbow bombs dropped over Gaza.

The other thing is that you should read for fun. My programme director was absolutely insistent that we all continue to read for pleasure while we did this degree, not just because it's good for destressing, but because keeping your cultural horizons open actually makes your writing better and more interesting. I literally read LOTR for the first time in, like February, and the difference in my writing and thinking from before and after is tangible, because not only did it give me something fun to think about when I was getting stressy, but it also opened up lots of fun avenues for thought that weren't there before. I read LOTR and wanted to find out more about English Catholics in WWI, and lo and behold something I read about it totally changed how I did my dissertation work. Or, like, a girl on my course who read the Odyssey over Christmas Break and then started asking loads of questions about the role of narrative creation in the archival material she was using. It was seriously such a good edict from our director.

Also, oh my god, if you do nothing else, please take this bit seriously: forgive yourself for the bad days. The pressure in postgrad is fucking unreal. Nobody, nobody is operating at 100% 100% of the time. If you aim for 60% for 80% of the time and only actually achieve 40% for 60% of the time, you will still be doing really fucking well. Don't beat yourself up unnecessarily. Don't make yourself feel bad because you're not churning out publishable material every single day. Some days you just need to lie on the couch, order takeout, and watch 12 hours of Jeopardy or whatever, and I promise you that that is a good and worthwhile thing to do. You don't learn and grow without rest, so forgive yourself for the moments and days of unplanned rest, and forgive yourself for when you don't score as highly as you want to, and forgive yourself when you say stupid things in class or don't do all of (or any of) the class reading.

Uhhhh I think I'm starting to lose the plot a bit now. Honestly, just ping me whatever questions you have and I'm happy to answer them. There's a chance I'll be slower to respond over the next few days because my dissertation is due in a week (holy fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but I will definitely respond. And honestly, no question is too dumb lol. I wish I'd been able to ask someone about things like what citation management software is best or how to set up a desk for maximum efficiency or whatever, but I was a scaredy-cat about it and didn't. So yeah, ask away and I will totally answer.

[annazverina]

2020 Letter to the World

In 2015, I began writing annual Letters to the World to reflect on what I learned during the year. I shared my first one publicly in 2018, and since then I discuss certain topics that were relevant during the year and what they taught me. Enjoy.

***

I typically don’t start writing my annual Letter to the World until October or November at the earliest, but this year has already been a huge whirlwind for the entire world. I started writing this in April and edited it until the day it was posted. At that point, we had been in isolation for a month. A few weeks later, yet another revolution sparked within the United States. As soon as the riots and protests started, I knew this would be the hardest letter I’ve ever written. 

This year I will discuss coronavirus, racism, social media, and the importance of face to face communication. 

Around the time I finished writing last year’s letter, a new illness was taking over Wuhan, China. This new, mysterious strain of coronavirus was infecting people left and right. But like any other American, I didn’t worry about it, though I kept track of it on Twitter. I remember the time when there were only 600 cases, and it hadn’t spread outside of Wuhan yet. Man, those were the days. It’s amazing how much the world changed within a month, a week, and a few days. 

A month before isolation, my friends and I drove down to San Antonio for the TMEA convention. Tens of thousands of music educators in the same building. At that same time, San Antonio had its first cases of COVID-19. Less than a month later, SXSW was cancelled. That’s when I realized that this was becoming a big deal. The same day the WHO declared the pandemic, my university announced it was moving to online instruction for what would eventually be the rest 2020. My first day of quarantine was 14 March. I began vlogging occasionally to document the experience. 

I barely left the house during quarantine. For the first five months, the only reasons I left were to go walking, move out of the dorm, or to pick up food. My family took a trip to Colorado right before I left for school, which was our first time eating at a restaurant in 150 days. None of my family or our friends officially tested positive. At school, my roommate did, which led to a two week isolation for me. It really bothered me that those who could stay home weren’t. I get that the United States was founded with freedom in mind (even though we’re not free yet), but I don’t understand why people weren’t willing to give up a little bit of freedom and wear a piece of cloth on their face. Sometimes, you have to give up freedom for the sake of the big picture. I learned that many Americans don’t understand that. The United States shut down too late and reopened too early. Those above us care too much about money. The economy is important, but so are people. Human lives matter, including Black lives.

We all know what happened.

Every January in elementary school, we learned about the Civil Rights Movement. However, they did not mention that racism was still an ongoing problem. They implied that it was a thing of the past. God, I wish it was. I don’t think it ever will be, but the things we can do to eliminate it as much as possible are promoting anti-racism and teaching those who come after us that no matter where someone comes from, they can’t form any opinions about them until they know what’s in their heart. 

That entire week after the murder was very overwhelming. It made me wonder what kind of families racist people grew up in to think that it’s okay to not be good to everyone. I live my life with one thing in mind all the time: be good to myself and others. And I think everyone else, regardless of socioeconomic background, race, religion, whatever, should do the same. And we must teach those who come after to follow those footsteps.

There was never a class in school dedicated to being good citizens. They just yelled at the students doing bad things to stop, but never explained why it was bad, nor did they tell them how to be better. Common human decency is something that should be taught K-12, and I honestly think it’s more important than STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math). We cannot force the students to rely on their parents for something like this, because some parents are uneducated, some are not good people, some suck at parenting, and way too many children in the world don’t even have parents. Schools are the ones that need to teach kids how to be good… all the way through. 

WE MUST BE THE CHANGE. Those currently in power appear to not be doing anything, so those who want change must RISE UP. For us civilians, signing petitions and donating is great, and being good, like I mentioned above, is also something we should do. We must change our behavior for the better. We cannot rely on other people to do stuff for us. We must do it ourselves. Change is not a process that can happen over night. So far it’s taken decades/centuries of work, but someday we will be there. Even if we don’t live to see it, the work we do now will help our future descendants. 

After George Floyd’s murder and the explosion of social media, I was super overwhelmed with everything I was reading. I decided to take the month of June off of Twitter, and man, I’m glad I did. Social media in general is a toxic place to be, and cutting out Twitter and Facebook was healthy for me. In terms of toxicity, Twitter and Facebook, in my opinion, are the worst platforms. On Twitter, it’s hard to control what you see in your feed. Most of the tweets in my feed are from people I don’t follow. They’re tweets I never signed up to see, and they flood my feed with posts that sometimes feel like propaganda. Sometimes I feel like celebrities are worshipped like a deity. I often feel like I’m not allowed to have my own personal beliefs on Twitter, rather I have to conform to what the loudmouthed users believe. If I don’t, I’m racist, misogynistic, homophobic, etc. Facebook is similar, but most of the people I follow are my friends or family, so I can’t unfollow them.

Surprisingly, I like Instagram. Reposting is very uncommon, and posting more than once a day is unofficially considered spam, therefore people have to put all their politics into one single post, which I can scroll past and never see again. You never see posts from people you don’t follow, (except for the occasional advert) and overall I think people use it mostly to share photos of their lives. Most of the flaws that come from Instagram are the people who use it, but it’s easy to avoid them. 

My brother shared some statistics with me recently. Only about 10 percent of Twitter users tweet on a normal basis. About 40 percent of people in the United States have a Twitter account. With that in mind, theoretically, the loud mouthed Twitter users only make up about 4 percent of the U.S. population. Or… something like that. I don’t know how accurate these statistics are, nor do I know where my brother got them from. Regardless, social media does not represent everyone in the world. Not even close.

The nice thing about living in a world of social media is being able to keep in touch with friends and family while quarantined. This whole quarantine process made me ever so grateful for face to face meetings. Some people believe no one will ever want to work again once everything ends. That’s not true. I think most people like working. Being able to leave the house every day and do something, even if it’s something you don’t like, is what keeps us sane. When it came time to return to school, I was initially really mad due to COVID. I ended up being okay with it. My school did a fantastic job at keeping COVID cases down for the entire semester (we only had an average of 20 cases a week, compared to some schools who had hundreds). Not only that, but I was able to see my family away from home again. Even though we wore masks and social distanced most of the time, things felt somewhat normal. 

If you are the kind of person who could care less if you see your friends and coworkers in person, don’t forget that most people don’t feel that way. It’s hard to have group conversations on Zoom. You certainly can’t have a party where multiple conversations happen. Don’t assume everyone feels the same way about something. Let people have their social gatherings when it’s acceptable again, and don’t belittle people who feel different from you.

Everyone must do the right thing… all the time. Even when no one is watching. It’s our job to develop the habit of being good to ourselves and to others regardless. If we do that, we’ll be able to go back to a normal-ish life sooner. Lin-Manuel Miranda called America a “great unfinished symphony” in Hamilton. America, you great unfinished symphony, we still have unfinished business to take care of. The change we need won’t come tomorrow. The amount of work we have before we reach the double bar line will take generations to get to. We cannot allow a repeat sign. We must start today. May 2021 be a year of healing.

[martiestudies]

me? coming back to my studyblr after who knows how long and with a long ass rant? well, u know me.

the truth is: idek where to start. i love this community so much, it taught me a lot and i’ve had so much fun all these years. and i’ve also gotten really mad about the double standards and called out the toxicity here. but. i miss it. i still come back to it everytime because i see it as my safe place, and i know i’ll be welcome back everytime. studyblr is just that amazing. 

long story short, i decided to give studygram a shot. and it was nice! i wanted to go all rebranded and be put together and professional there and keep my fooling around here on tumblr because. you know me. i love to fool around here. but idk one thing led to another and yea, im weak for instastories so i went to rant a bit there. and then my phone’s memory got full so i deleted the tumblr app :/ and the studygram wasn’t fun anymore because i got to see all these perfect posts that aren’t really so much “studyspo” and are more like a competition to see how has the more aesthetically pleasing stuff and the most shining things. and i got tired.

and my mental health! guess what? she has been a nightmare lately. fucking virus and the fucking quarantine (and like, go argentina, love how fast and right was everything handled) but. it’s been +2 months now! that’s how long i haven’t left my house!!! and it’s exhausting and deteriorating as fuck!!!!!! i dont even remember if i talked about it here (lbr, i probably did. multiple times) but getting to leave my family house and go live on my own to the city for university has been LIBERATING. and mental issues aside, i loved every single second of the peace i got from it. but now i’ve been back home for like 80? 90? days now ONLY seeing my family and being around them ALL THE TIME and it’s exhausting. for everyone involved, really.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE ONLINE CLASSES. i respect tf out of people who willingly choose to attend university online (like, distant classes and stuff). you’re all tough cookies. BUT! THEN AGAIN! i didn’t choose it. maybe if i had they wouldn’t be so hard? i don’t know, and i think i won’t ever get to know, but !!! I HATE THEM. so much, u have no idea. and like i don’t even have a lot because i only had three courses this semester (thank god) but i still struggled (and still do tbh) a lot. i had to drop chemistry (ME! DROPPING CHEM!!!!) because the toll it was taking on my stress levels and my mental health just weren’t worth it. maths classes are fun somedays and a drag most of the time. i had so much work pilling up but i can’t muster the energy to apply myself to it. and my engineering 101 course............. i guess in another life it could have been so much fun. but i hate it SO SO SO MUCH, it drains my energy so much, it is honestly the worst of it all. 

i wasn’t really to deal with online classes. i barely was able to deal with starting university in the first place, with the headspace i’ve been into for the past months. and now, with quarentine, i don’t even get therapy and have to deal with my mental health issues AND this stressful as fuck situation on my own. i think i deserve some slack, but i still can’t help to feel like i’m failing, you know? and studygram didn’t help with that. but i’m thinking now that maybe i was looking for answers in the wrong place. so, here i am, studyblr.

tbh i still feel like i have A LOT MORE to tell y’all like it’s fucking insane how much i missed ranting here and i feel like i’m seeing an old friend after the longest time and don’t even know where to start to catch up

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 121: New Semester

Previously on BnHA: After an intense shounen throwdown, Kacchan emerged victorious. Then All Might showed up and revealed he had been spying on them. He explained to Katsuki why he chose Deku to inherit his quirk, and told him what happened at Kamino wasn’t Katsuki’s fault. Then he gave him a mini hug, no big deal, I didn’t cry or anything. Anyway, he told Deku and Katsuki that heroes need to have Katsuki’s strength and Deku’s spirit both. And he told them that if they could recognize each other and raise each other up, they would both become the best heroes. At this point that was more than good enough for me, but then to cap it all off, Kacchan was officially inducted into the Club of People Who Know Deku’s Secret, and the circle of trust was expanded. Ugh, this whole little mini-arc has been incredible. Where do we even go from here.

Today on BnHA: All Might lets Kacchan in on The Whole Deal with All for One and all that stuff. Kacchan and Deku become Official Rivals™. Aizawa grounds them and sends them off to bed. The next morning the rest of class 1-A (i.e. the actual good kids who don’t cause trouble and don’t sneak out to beat the living shit out of each other in the middle of the night) heads off to the opening ceremony for the new term. Kacchan and Deku have an actual conversation with no shouting and no crying and no one is getting punched or dying or whatnot! It’s less than ten sentences long but MY GOD PEOPLE IT’S A START. Class 1-B shows up for two seconds to remind everyone that they still exist. Rat Principal gives a long and boring speech and mentions the word “successors” exactly once. All Might is all, “successors, eh?” and has a flashback to when he was first hired by U.A. prior to meeting Deku, and Rat Principal was all “hey we got someone for you here.” WHO COULD THIS MYSTERIOUS PERSON BE.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 151 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.) 

I wonder if I’m emotionally prepared to continue this shit. well here goes

haHA WE’RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS SCENE OMG. IT’S STILL GOING. SURE, WHY NOT. I LOVE IT, LET’S CONTINUE

All Might says he’s sorry Bakugou ended up learning his secret. not in a “why does this asshole know” way, but in a “that’s a huge burden to have been carrying” way

so basically All Might understands how heavy that was for him along with everything else, so he’s apologizing

Kacchan says it’s no big and it’s too risky to tell anyone else anyway. yeah no shit

OH MY GOD

HE’S GETTING THE SAME TREATMENT AS DEKU. THE FULL STORY ABOUT ALL MIGHT AND ALL FOR ONE

which, yeah. seeing as Kacchan actually met All for One face-to-face, he knows about that part of it even more intimately than Deku

and also if he understands the whole thing and knows how long it’s been going on, it might ease some of his lingering guilt just a bit more. because All Might’s right, it really was something that was going to happen eventually no matter what

you guys I’m just really enjoying Kacchan being part of the inner circle so much. this means he gets to be in on all important plot-related things from here on out. because you can’t very well trust him with this and then not keep him in the loop moving forward

(ETA: although I’d like them to do a better job of this! granted I’m still like 60 chapters behind, so they might have caught him up on the specific thing I’m thinking of by this point. but if not, I’m officially launching Keep Kacchan in the Loop 2019 dammit. who do I need to get in touch with. what’s Horikoshi’s email)

anyway, obviously they’re not showing the whole scene because IT WOULD TAKE SO MUCH TIME!! but please show me Kacchan’s reaction now

okay good they’re showing it

lol now that he knows, he’s even more annoyed that Deku went and blabbed to him on their second fucking day of school lmao

(ETA: to be fair, it’s only because he went and challenged Deku and practically blew him up and then had a meltdown after. on their second day. and now we have this shit happening at the start of their second term. they still have two more terms and then two more years of this. will they survive?? will we survive?! stay tuned!!)

and All Might’s telling Kacchan again -- because yeah, he already did, but this is important for him to understand -- that it wasn’t his fault

and obviously words alone can’t make that kind of feeling go away completely. but he understands it in full now and knows the whole story, and to hear All Might tell him so firmly should help a lot

and now there’s a character development moment happening! no big. it’s just Bakugou having possibly the single most important and defining moment in his life which is going to change his entire course from here on out haha. it’s cool. I’m cool

(ETA: even higher. implying that Deku is now the one to beat. the goal post. the watermark. just casually acknowledging it. “chosen one.” no bitterness, no jealousy, and no underestimating him or chalking him down as not worthy either. even as he declares that he’s going to surpass him, he simultaneously recognizes that Deku is still going to be right up there with him at the top. of course. he’s the one All Might chose. how could he not be.

yeah, don’t mind me. I’m just gonna bask in this moment for just a sec. I fucking love rivals, guys. I really, really do.)

how fucking great is this. how fucking perfect is this. they hashed everything out and it didn’t wreck their dynamic or make it stale or boring. on the contrary, it now has more potential than ever before. they’re still rivals. they’ll still push themselves to become better while setting each other as the benchmark. and thus pushing each other to become better as well. but the confusion and hostility and resentment is gone. this is healthy rivalry. they’re not going to all of a sudden become buddy-buddy, but they understand each other now, and there’s a balance there that was missing before

YOU SEE, THEY CAN STILL SQUABBLE AND ANNOY EACH OTHER. but it’s so much purer now

THANK YOU ALL MIGHT. THE REAL MVP

can I just say, in hindsight, Kacchan’s emotions were going to come bursting out of him at some point no matter what. you could see during the fight how hard he was struggling to control them and to clamp back down on them, but he kept losing that battle and breaking down. but All Might is the reason he and Deku were able to resolve things so calmly and healthily in the end. he took full advantage of the fact that they both respect him so much lol. he’s such a good dad and I want him to take both of these kids out for ice cream

-- oh my god

speaking of good dads

well actually this one’s more of a mom

children you’ve interrupted this man’s beauty sleep and I’m afraid you must pay

also

can we just stop and appreciate it for a little bit. why does his hair look better in his off hours than it fucking does at work, honestly. were you just bored and wanting a change of pace. I guess it doesn’t really matter does it

does Aizawa’s ponytail have a fanclub you guys. asking for a friend

All Might’s telling him to hold up a sec and that it was his fault! wow taking one for the team

also can we take another moment and appreciate how fucking cute lil Deku and Kacchan are, being sat down and scolded like the troublemakers they are

now we’re having a quick flashback to All Might meeting Aizawa outside

Aizawa’s telling him about the fight, and All Might is all “I think I know what’s going on, can you leave it to me?”

and yes, just a reminder that even though Aizawa always seems to know everything, and even though he’s a trustworthy guy, he doesn’t actually know about One for All (even though I’d argue that he should, since Deku is his student too)

so now he’s confused and asking what this has to do with All Might, and

I fucking love so much that Kacchan gets to be a part of these moments now omfg

good thing All Might is a smooth fucking operator

fucking look at this master at work, though? he sticks to the truth enough to keep the whole thing plausible, and manages to let Aizawa in on the fact that Bakugou’s mental health has been shaky lately, so now he knows about it too and can be on the alert for it if it becomes an issue again. and he even helps make it so the boys will hopefully be in less trouble

so Aizawa looks a bit more understanding now (but like. still Aizawa though), but he says “nonetheless, rules are rules” and that he’ll dole out an appropriate punishment

fifty points from Gryffindor. but at least he won’t fucking expel them lol

who do you fucking think

Kacchan’s owning up to it because he’s a good, honest boy who owns up to his shit and doesn’t try to weasel out

and Deku is also just such a good fucking kid because he immediately adds that he fought back. yeah, after about a whole chapter’s worth of Kacchan diving at you trying to blow you up, and only after he broke down and started fucking crying and you realized it was a therapy fight

anyways. so they’re grounded

TWELVE YEARS DUNGEON. EVERYONE, DUNGEON. SEVEN YEARS, NO TRIALS

lmao this is why he’s the mom. the strict disciplinarian these kids fucking need

I want to read Bakugou’s written statement of regret so bad

(ETA: I imagine it being a single page with giant font containing only two words: “I REGRET.” he feels it’s sufficient. Aizawa just stares for a moment after Kacchan hands it to him. and then he just shrugs and he’s like, “eh. okay.”)

Aizawa’s also yelling at them to go to the infirmary if they need to. because yeah they beat the living fuck out of each other. Bakugou’s face got folded in on itself, and he slammed Deku into the concrete from like three stories up lmao

buuut, he says to “heal your selfish injuries by yourselves” and not to bother Recovery Girl. yeah as if they want to be chewed out by anyone else tonight

what are you going to do with these kids I swear. omgggg I love this

so now it’s morning and news spreads fast

lollll I love it!! so much!! the best!

GIRL YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. IT WAS A WHOLE THING. BUT LONG STORY SHORT, YES

Deku says... it’s hard to put into words. ffff

now Iida’s telling them off. because he also thinks he is their dad. poor BakuDeku dealing with dads scolding them left and right

Shouto’s asking Bakugou what he’s going to do about the provisional license supplementary lessons and Bakugou says it’s none of his business. sorry for caring

but really Shouto don’t worry. he just likes to go about his character development the hard way is all

so now everyone’s leaving

AND WE’RE STICKING WITH THESE GUYS

I have no idea what’s going to happen but I’m loving it so much

BAKUGOU IS INITIATING CONVERSATION!?!?!?!

(ETA: nope, Mangastream got it wrong. it should be Deku asking Kacchan what he thought of his shoot style. I would have just posted FA’s scan here instead, but then my reaction wouldn’t have made sense)

NO I DON’T KNOW, WHAT ABOUT HIS SHOOT STYLE

there’s a really long pause, which it turns out it just Bakugou not knowing how to do this without being awkward about it

nothing to see here, just Bakugou fucking Katsuki giving free advice to his rivalfriend Deku because they have a healthy rival relationship. just a little thing we like to call Character Development. it’s how we do things here in BnHA. we develop our fucking characters

so Deku’s asking him about it, and Kacchan’s like, ‘how can I make sure this is still surly’

heeeeee

:))))

(ETA: and now I am going to post the correct translation though because I love this part.

:))))))))))))

I now have a headcanon of Kacchan following through on his vow to adopt Deku’s “observe everyone else and learn from them in order to get stronger” philosophy by starting his own stalker notebook (in secret. obviously. no one can ever know). because if it works for Deku then he should at least try it, goddammit. only his notebook doesn’t work at all because his observations mostly consist of things like “fuck this asshole” and “her quirk is such bullshit” and “when he punches it pisses me off.” one day the others find it and they’re just like “holy shit Bakugou I can’t believe you have a burn book.”)

I expect we’re going to see a lot of the back of Bakugou’s head during these moments in the future lol. I don’t mind. LET HIM KEEP HIS DIGNITY

so now we’re cutting to U.A.

they’re heading to one of the training grounds and Iida is telling everyone to move swiftly and DON’T BREAK THE LINE!!!

IIDA FUCKING TENYA YOU’RE A PEACH

(ETA: he wakes up at night in a cold sweat thinking about this)

ah, interesting. Ochako says Aizawa wasn’t at the entrance ceremony either

(ETA: so far this doesn’t seem to be plot related that I can recall, so I’m going to assume he just wanted to skip out on the boring speeches and have a nap instead)

here comes Monoma. I was wondering when he would hear this news

what are the odds he failed his own damn self

lol Kirishima’s asking the same thing

but Monoma’s laughing

oh snap

oh yeah!? well! our kids had character development! so

lmao Todoroki can’t handle the shame

HE’S LET YOU ALL DOWN

oh my god finally it’s that pony girl from before! I definitely looked at those bonus pages too soon lol

she has a weird accent. it’s cause she’s American, I remember that from her bio

anyway she says that their two classes will have a class together during second semester. like a one-time thing? or like a regular class. because that’ll be nuts

(ETA: I think that maybe this is either happening right now in the manga or just wrapped up, because I feel like there was a lot of class B stuff making the rounds on tumblr over the past couple of months)

Monoma’s whispering something to her

omg

NO DON’T STOP. TEACH HER MORE

oh shit look who it is!!!

Sero says he seems a little “rougher” now. does he? idk

he should have been put in the hero course after the sports festival. and since they’re showing him again and it’s the start of a new semester, can I dare to hope that they’re about to rectify that?

so all the students are lined up for the opening ceremony, and the Rat Principal (whose name I finally memorized in spite of my best efforts. but to me he’ll always still be Rat Principal, so there, Nezu) is waving at everyone

he’s rambling on about how everyone needs proper sleep. wow what a captivating speech

this is followed by a page of All Might and Thirteen, which I’m going to post because it does a great job of showing something I was trying not to get too excited about during the BakuDeku fight

namely, the fact that All Might has finally, FINALLY started wearing clothes that actually fit him omgggg

and the fitted shirt/vest/rolled-up sleeves combo looks damn good on him, I gotta say

anyway, so yet again an authority figure is lecturing everyone about the effects of All Might’s absence and how they’re going to face great difficulties moving forward

honestly, by this point they fucking get it. we all get it. shit’s tough

he’s mentioning hero internships that the second and third-year students are engaged in, and I figured it was just more of the same that the first-years did in the previous semester. but Mina and Tsuyu are whispering to each other, and it seems like they don’t know what this is about, so that’s interesting. maybe they do longer internships in the second and third years since they have their provisional licenses by that point

Rat Principal is still talking. I’ll just post the rest of the speech so I don’t have to paraphrase it

yes, everyone is very invested in making sure the new generation of heroes is prepared for the new post-All Might society. it’s great, but we covered this exact same thing less than ten chapters ago at the end of the provisional exam arc. so this is kind of a retread now

now RP is finally stepping down from the podium and bragging about how he kept thing short and sweet. ahaha. funny. jokes

and All Might is reflecting on RP’s use of the word “successors”

and remembering what Bakugou said to Deku the previous night

and he’s flashing back to, I guess, his job interview with RP when he agreed to come teach at U.A.

flashback!RP is sliding a piece of paper toward All Might

and now All Might’s thinking that U.A. used to contact him every once in a while regarding his search for a successor

oh my god

I’m almost positive that this is the guy with wings that I’ve seen in fanart and shit. oh my god

(ETA: lmao it is not. however, now I’m for reals almost positive that I’ve been spoiled on who the wings guy is, which was bound to happen since it’s been two and a half months since I read this chapter, and I’ve only gotten 30 chapters further in that entire time. and also because once I caught up with the anime I gave in and started reading fanfic. so basically I have only myself to blame)

so Rat Principal thought this guy was worthy of being All Might’s successor, huh. well, he might not be wrong about that. in fact, even though Deku is officially the one who inherited One for All, I’m gradually becoming more and more certain that the next “Symbol of Peace” won’t be a single hero at all, but rather multiple individuals, and possibly a whole new generation. but at the very least, I envision Deku and Kacchan being at the top together, the same way Batman and Superman lead the Justice League and Iron Man and Captain America lead the Avengers. and I can just see the other students from U.A. forming a team just like that, and that team being the new Symbol of Peace that keeps evil at bay and brings hope to the world

so yeah. successors. a whole lot of them. at least I hope so

 haha and that’s the end of the chapter but I guess we have to skip the bonus content since I already posted it! Tsunotori Pony, who has horns similar to Mina and seems to have nothing to actually do with ponies whatsoever, and who is from America. and is adorable

[haespoir]

honestly, i’d like to start this post off by saying thank you!!! never would i have thought that i would ever reach over 100 followers,,, so the fact that i’ve hit 1000 followers seems so unreal to me,, so thank you guys! for supporting my writing and dealing with my nonsensical rambling!! 

with that being said: in honour of reaching 1000 followers, i’ve decided to start a little series on my blog. i’ll be writing for five main groups: nct ( all units ), loona, twice, red velvet and the boyz. these are my favorite groups to write for though i’ve really only ever written publicly for nct. 

i’ve complied a list of 60 aus ( most are from this masterlist and i’ve just chosen the ones that i like ) and 20 songs so just pick one and send me a request! note: most things will be written in bulletpoint and this post will serve as a masterlist for everything! 

example requests: 

“competitive au #1 w doyoung?” 

“angst song #2 with sana?” 

if a prompt is taken, it’ll be bolded with the name of the idol next to it! i’ll also include who requested it uwu basically, it’s a first come, first serve type thing! you can also request more than once!

ok with that being said,,, have fun! 

songs

angst

01. [ younghoon | anon ] “love letter” jinsoul and kim lip 

02. “push and pull” kard

03. “rumor” kard 

04. “lady” exid

05. “see saw” gowon and chuu and kimlip 

06. “walkin’ in time” the boyz 

07. “hard to love” bol4 

08. “destiny” lovelyz 

09. “we were in love” t-ara and davichi 

10. “dont recall” kard 

fluff

01. “hi” lovelyz

02. [ donghyuck | anon ] “walk u home” nct dream 

03. [ heejin | anon ] “what is love” twice 

04. [ jaemin | anon ] “shine” pentagon 

05. “imagine” bol4

06. “nevermind” jeong sewoon 

07. “real man” the east light

08. [ doyoung ] “a girl like me” gugudan 

09. [ yuta | @jenofanclub ] “heart attack” chuu 

10. “the day of confessing my love” jo kwon 

aus

roommate aus

01. friend of a friend needs a place to stay before they get evicted

02. my roommate fell nd broke their arm in the shower,,, what do i do

03. [ yeri | @najaeminclub ] new roommate cooks for the first time and almost burns the house down

04. overheard you singing in the shower you sound angelic 

05. [ doyoung | anon ] your clothes ended up in my laundry and now im wearing your favorite tshirt 

enemies to lovers au 

01. you’re a jerk barista who purposely screws up my name when i order 

02. [ jihoon | @lovejihoonie ] you saw me crying and you weren’t supposed to,, why are u trying to hug me 

03. you come to the restaurant i work at and choose me as your server every time just to annoy me nd i can’t do anything or i’ll get fired

04. [ yuta ] look i know we haven’t said anything nice to each other for years and this is a bit sudden but can you hold my hand and pretend to be my partner for the next few minutes cause my ex is coming over and i can’t be on my own for this so lets just pretend we aren’t mortal enemies okay? omg, you’re saying nice things about me and your arms are around my waist and my heart is pounding in my chest and oh god no out of all the people i could crush on why you?

reincarnation aus

01. [ jaehyun | anon ] i meet and fall in love with you in every lifetime at the same age but your age is always different so it never works out and for the first time i’m meeting you when we’re the same age and i’m horrified that i might fuck this up

02. [ doyoung ] i skipped like four cycles of reincarnation and i know you’re pissed at me for leaving you all those lifetimes but it wasn’t my fault please please will you take me back

03. [ yukhei | anon ] i don’t know how to tell you this but the reason you didn’t see me in our last reincarnation cycle is because for some fucked up reason I was reincarnated as your dog

04. [ taeyong | @najaemini ] we keep reincarnating as people who speak different languages and it’s kind of pissing me off because i can never initially confirm if it’s you but at least i keep learning a bunch of cool new languages each lifetime

height difference aus ( specify who is the tol nd who is the smol pls !! ) 

01. [ jacob | anon ] you were trying to reach for a box of cereal and a whole shelf’s-worth of cereal boxes fell on you here let me help

02. [ jeno | anon ] we’re both baristas and sometimes i have trouble reaching for things and i show up to work one day to find a personalized stool with hearts and my name on it i hATE YOU 

03. we’re in art class tgt and i just opened a cupboard to find a tiny person (you) squished inside and you just looked at and said “shh i’m hiding” we’re on the bus and im really not trying to take up your space im sorry i just have rlly rlly long legs 

04. [ juyeon | @jenofanclub ] you’re afraid that you’ll lose me in big crowds so you always hold my hand but now you just hold my hand when there’s only, like, five people around and I’m getting vry suspicious

05. you’re super short and i’m sorry but it’s really really cute whenever you try to reach that book on the top shelf here lemme help you- oh no don’t be embarrassed, your face is all red and you’re even more adorable now i am going to die

competitive aus

01. [ jaemin ] we’re both ‘team leaders’ at a summer camp for little people and you may be hot but goddammit my collection of twelve-year-olds are going to beat yours into the dust

02. i used to be the best baker in the neighbourhood but then you showed up at Mrs Appleby’s 80th birthday with a stack of brownies which almost gave me an orgasm my honour is at stake and im going all out for the next event

03. [ renjun | @najaeminclub ] a mutual friend invited us to their laser tag party and we’re the last two alive on opposite teams and goddammit if im going down you’re going down with me

04. you’re going to be at the halloween party and you’ve won best costume for the past three years but this year i am wearing the best costume ever if you defeat me i will eat my - wait you actually look really cute when did you turn hot what the fuck um

05. [ donghyuck | anon ] we’re always making stupid bets like ‘bet you can’t drink this whole bottle of BBQ sauce’ but then you did and now you’re sick and i feel really bad here let me look after you

06. did you actually just blue shell me on our date you fucker

college aus 

01. [ momo | anon ] excuse me, I know we don’t have assigned seats in college, but I’ve been sitting in this one for eight weeks and it seems you’re in my spot

02. [ lucas | anon ] bless the spring semester stage combat class for practicing on the North Lawn, because watching my crush get sweaty and worked up while pretending to fight people really Does Things to me, okay

03. i was abroad last semester and forgot to fill out the housing form, but your old roommate dropped out so hi, hey, how’s it going, I guess we live together now

04. both of us turned up at the wrong room for this lecture but don’t know where its meant to be 

05. [ lucas | @najaemini ] we live in halls opposite each other and i keep seeing you changing through your window 

witch aus 

01. listen, i know im new at this and all, but you screeching at the top of your tiny frog lungs isn’t going to help anyone, is it????? don’t you dare croak at me in that tone

02. [ jeno | anon ] we’ve been friends for years, so are familiars are really good friends with each other too. nd recently, while we’ve been doing witchy stuff, i’ve noticed that our familiars are growing extremely close and being affectionate towards each other. that’s weird because like our familiars are supposed to represent our subconscious and that’s not how we feel about each other at all… right?

03. [ seulgi | anon ] i borrowed the broomstick you keep in your wardrobe, and while i was cleaning up some lint; it suddenly shOT UPWARDS AND SMASHED INTO THE CEILING WHILE I WAS STILL HOLDING IT AND IT WON’T STOP MOVING GET ME DOWN FROM HERE I SWEAR TO GOD.

ghost aus ( in which one person is a ghost ) 

01. the neighbours asked one time if I had any roommates and i said no and they just looked really confused because they can always hear me shouting or talking to someone. yea, my neighbours think I’m crazy now, so thanks for that.

02. we’ve been arguing for a solid hour about whether Amelia Earheart actually died when the plane supposedly crashed; i don’t care if you met her one time when you were in purgatory. that doesn’t make a difference!

03. my ghost is really temperamental so i sometimes just scream “FUCK OFF” at it really loudly. it quietens down after that.

04. i’ve become so used to all the weird shit that happens in my house that when i invited people over and you were just throwing books around in the hallway, i completely forgot that they aren’t used to it like i am and now they just ran out of the house screaming. 

05. [ johnny | anon ] you’re a ghost and you scared me so much that i died and i literally rose out of the floor two minutes later as a ghost, now we’re stuck together for eternity and now i’m gonna beat your ghost ass.

06. CAN YOU NOT POSSESS DOLLS PLEASE IT’S NOT FUNNY AND IT”S JUST A DICK MOVE AND SCARES THE HECK OUT OF ME EVERY TIME

you know them but you don’t know them aus 

01. my friend can’t stop talking about how they want to set me up with their other friend so we start texting each other and they’re hilarious but shy about meeting and ALSO there’s a cute bike delivery guy who brings my mail at work and winks at me whenever i sign for a package 

02. [ sana | @jenofanclub ] i’m obsessed with a food blogger who writes about cheap ways to be gourmet in your 20s and i flirt with them over comments but they never post pictures of their face and ALSO there’s a really cute grocery bagger at the store down the street who teases me and always asks to join me for dinner and i definitely want to say yes

03. [ jaehyun | @jaehyunclub ] there’s an overnight IT person at school who always answers the phone when i call about a problem with my computer and i totally have a crush on their voice and their exasperation and ALSO the bakery down the street is always running out of my fave scones and the adorable person behind the counter can’t hide their amusement and i think it’s super rude but also super cute 

04. [ lucas | @najaeminclub ] my boss is always telling me how perfect her son would be for me and she promises he’s coming to the next holiday party and don’t worry he’s heard all about me too and ALSO there’s this dude i slept with once a couple of months ago and sometimes he still sends me dick pics when i ask him to at 3 in the morning cause seriously dude’s got a good dick 

05. our kids are bitter rivals and the only time we ever meet is when we’re both called to the principal’s office and whatever maybe i think you’re kind of cute but your kid’s a monster and ALSO someone keeps buying the last everything bagel at my favorite coffee shop 2 minutes before i get there in the morning and has heard about my plight and has started leaving me bragging notes about it 

06. [ changmin | @lovejihoonie ] i hired a dog walking company and i’ve never met the person who comes to my apartment but they leave me really cute notes and they give my dog presents and i kind of love them because my dog does and ALSO one of the artists at this gallery opening is hella cute and i want them to paint me like one of their french girls

??? aus

01. [ jacob | @lovejihoonie ] im calling to cancel our date bc im actually in the er right now, sorry,,,, i mean,,, i guess u can come here,,,, bring me fries 

02. we’re both meant to be going on blind dates with other people but we sat down at the wrong table and got our hopes up

03. a scary-looking person who unintentionally makes kids cry and a daycare volunteer meet at a children-filled park

04. [ sunwoo | anon ] you’re infamous for being an asshole nd i had to sit next you in class. turns out you’re kinda nice one-on-one. 

05. i let you cheat with my answers on a test and then you got the highest grade possible nd now you owe me a HUGE favour.

06. i just got bowled over by your huge-as dog in the park nd now you’re profusely apologizing while trying to hold your dog off 

07. [ kun | anon ] i kind of naturally spoil people and like taking care of them, you’re always getting sick in class / feeling down in class nd omg i think the teacher ships us???

08. [ yuta | @najaemini​ ] you always like to make me embarrassed by leaning in too close or hitting on me, but i’m used to it now nd one day i decided to retaliate

09. [ ten | anon ] ok so when we were little i accidentally mentioned that i had a crush on you but i always thought you didn’t hear me because you just looked at me weird and never commented but now we’re in high school and omg you just introduced me as your boyfriend/girlfriend/datemate wtf we never discussed this!!!

10. [ donghyuck | anon ] why are you so clingy people will think we’re dating- i know we are but you’re the one who wants it to be secret you moron!

11. [ taeyong | @najaeminclub ] i understand that you’re my bodyguard but that was a freaking FRISBEE not a nuclear bomb jesus christ- hey why are you still on top of me and why have i not noticed how beautiful you are? 

12. you’re so perfect and i’m in love with you but i’ve never actually met you and you keep avoiding meeting up, so i called nev and max to help me figure out whether or not you’re catfishing me

13. [ irene | anon ] you had a party and i got really drunk and stole your toaster, so i showed up the next day to return it and you were really hungover so i made you breakfast (but i burnt all of it)

14. [ jungwoo | anon ] you have dimension-jumping powers and you’re mad that literally EVERY OTHER VERSION OF YOURSELF is dating ( insert idol ). then ur idol asks u out and is confused when u screams ‘FUCKING FINALLY, JACKASS!’

15. [ hyunjae | anon ] i suggested we play spin the bottle so i could kiss you, but now everyone else is kissing you except me :/

[sweetlittlehawke]

Keep Moving Forward

It’s December. Yknow what that means! Let’s reflect on the year. When I made  a post like this last year, it was a hopeful thing. I was excited about the coming year, because I was excited that I’d finally met some people I could hang out with. I love Alea and Brooke to the moon and back, but only having two friends for most of my life is not the best. As much as I denied it for years, my mum’s right. I’m very social. I have social anxiety. But I am a very social person. So, if you wanna read about all that, it’s under a read more. Cause fucking hell did this get long.

So, this year started and I was single, I was in Unity, I was in school, and I was living with my parents. By May I was not single and I was not in Unity. Shortly after that- because end of the semester and stuff and things happening- I was no longer in school or living with my parents. At this point in the year, I’m still not single, nor in Unity (as I doubt I’ll ever go back. To the troupe at least, I absolutely wanna go back to taking classes), or in school. But I have plans to go back to school. I’m halfway to being able to afford a car, and then saving for an apartment, so Sammy and I can go to Cleveland. Because I wanna be close to my friends. I don’t like most of the people I live with presently, and neither does Sam. So we’re gonna move out in July when the lease is up on our place. 

When I made this post last year, I talked about the only table top rpgs I’d played was a D&D 5e oneshot, a game of Roll for Shoes, and was just then stepping into a campaign. Needless to say, that changed. A lot. I’ve played West Marches to it’s end. I’ve been in Alex’s Pathfinder campaign for a year. I spent a semester in Andrew’s Pathfinder campaign (and met my girlfriend through that). I’ve spent two semesters in Jacob’s 5e campaign. I’ve started a campaign of my own at Breakout to get those people into D&D. I’ve gone so far with this, and I love it. I love every second of it. I also mentioned that I’d kinda started in Magic, but hadn’t put any money towards it. That didn’t last either. I’ve built my own custom deck, and that def required spending money. Once Andrew got me a starter deck it was downhill from there. I don’t play a ton, but Magic def did get my interest.

Last year I kinda just made lil shoutouts to Scott, Trevi, and Andrew. But this year I have so many more people to talk about, and to be thankful for. Because they’re not just new people that I’m kinda sorta friends with. They’re my family. So lemme go through this. Lemme take a bit, to talk about this gaggle of people I’ve found, that I love. 

It’s primarily the Pathfinder group. The original Pathfinder group. Alex, Jacob, Andrew, Thomas, Susannah, Molly, and Will. Most of these people are also the people in West Marches, but there are some West Marches people that aren’t in Pathfinder. People like Joey and Adriana, Freddie, Michael, and of course, Trevi and Scott. Now, to go into detail about the specific people, and why I love them.

Alex is just, great. I don’t always feel like I’m super close with him, but he does pay attention to everyone in the group. We recently had a session that really hit that fact home. It was a Christmas session, because it’s December what else are we gonna do? Each of our characters had gifts, and these gifts meant something to each of us. Outside of games though, he’s just as attentive. He’s always supportive, and very understanding of when people need distance or aid. He’s encouraging, and frankly I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him say something bad against anyone. Ambiguous maybe, but never bad.

Jacob- fucking hell this guy. He’s literally the sweetest man I’ve ever met. He’s always trying to help, and encourage people. If he knows he’s done something wrong he apologizes and does whatever it takes to fix it. He knows I’m short on money, so whenever I’m around he’s always offering to buy me food- or just straight up give me his food. He even bought Sammy’s Christmas present for me, because I’m just too broke to do it. I don’t understand how someone can be that selfless?? Jacob wtf?? You’re too good??

Andrew. What an asshole. I love him though. He- quite frankly- is half the reason I’m so close with the Pathfinder group. I befriended him easier than I befriended the others. He’s the one that got me into Pathfinder. At first he seems quiet, and kinda apathetic, he’s incredibly forgetful. But he cares. I got scared one time that I’d fucked up a friendship, and in his awkward Andrew way, he gave me 3 Magic cards and a hug as comfort. It may not sound like much, but giving away Magic cards is a big deal for Andrew. This nerd is also the reason I met my girlfriend, so yknow.

Admittedly, I’m not as close with Thomas as I am some of the others. His personality clashes with mine, so I don’t typically talk to him one on one. But he’s part of the group. We all poke fun at him, but we all poke fun at everyone. This family of ours wouldn’t be the same without him. It’d be too quiet.

Susannah is a darling. I haven’t seen her as much recently, because she dropped out of the Pathfinder campaign, and I haven’t been at school. But we still talk from time to time here on tumblr, or the very rare occasion we see each other on campus we always stop to give each other a hug and say hello. Because our friend group had a hellish spaghetti mess of relationships, and we had a good relationship through that. The guy I liked liked her, and it was kinda rough, but we just helped each other. Then when that spaghetti mess was over, and I was getting with Sammy, she was one of the people I’d text like “Holy shit Sam is so cute HELP”

Molly is the best. She- like Susannah- isn’t in Pathfinder this semester, so I haven’t seen her as much. But she had a similar position in the spaghetti mess but without being so tied to me. She just was right next to Susannah and was super supportive as well. She was the other person I texted about Sam. Cause group chats. I’d text her and Susannah together. But even though we don’t see each other a ton, we’re still close. Hell we’re looking at getting an apartment together next summer.

I really never think I’m that close to Will. He’s very quiet, and he’s not very affectionate, so it’s sometimes hard to tell if he actually likes being around people or he’s just dealing with us. But, after a year of being around him, I’m pretty sure he does actually like us. I think he’s just introverted. He doesn’t want to get in people’s way, so he sits to the side and is quiet. But also, his character in Pathfinder was 110% tryna get another PC laid and Will and Susannah both were willing to let me in on that. So, yeah, pretty sure Will is cool with me. We just have different ways of showing that.

Joey and Adriana I’ll talk about together, because I swear these two are inseparable. When I first met them I thought they were dating, but no they’re just very affectionate- and I can’t blame them for that. I’m the same way with Scott and Trevi. I’ve still not gotten to talk to them a ton, but the conversations I’ve had with them have been good. They seem very light hearted on the surface, just comparing ourselves to our characters, but really that says a lot about us. 

Freddie and Michael, I’ll also put together. Not because they’re together all the time, but because I have less to say about them. I don’t know either as well, but they’re both very warm people. It’s easy to become friends with these two. Freddie loves to rub my hair, cause of course half of it is shaved. Michael’s just akin to a ray of sunshine tbh. 

Trevi. Where do I even start? To just say you’re my friend isn’t enough. You’re more than that. You’re fun to be around and talk to, and dance with. You’re relatable and silly and serious and helpful and supportive. You’ve given me a place to sleep when I was too tired to go home. When you graduated I was terrified of you leaving, either going back home or going out to Cali to get a doctorate, cause I knew you’d talked about it. I didn’t wanna lose you. I’d just gotten to know you. Then you stayed here, and I’m glad. Cause you’re my friend and I love you. A couple weeks ago as you were leaving you signed “I love you”. You had your back turned but there was a window in front of you, so idk if you saw, but I signed it back. Cause I really do.

Now Scott. You sir, have literally changed my life. I would not have met most of the people I’ve talked about. I’d have met Trevi, but without D&D as a common ground, idk that we’d have ended up so close. So thank you, for introducing me to D&D. Thank you for being my DM. Because honestly, no matter how many DMs I have, no matter how great they are. You will always be my DM, because you were the first. And now, you’re graduating. You’re leaving school, and you’re going to Columbia. I’m gonna miss you. As selfish as it is, I don’t want you to leave. I’m glad you’re going to keep moving forward, as we all should. But fucking hell will I miss you. You’ve led me on adventures, fighting monsters and demons, I’ve made pacts with Eldritch gods and become War itself. So you go. You go, live your adventures. Write your stories and play your parts. Keep Moving Forward. But you better get your ass back here and visit from time to time okay? Cause I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss your free hugs, and the meowing, and the hair ruffles, and hugs so tight I feel like you’re bout to crack a rib, and the games, and the stories, and just everything. I’m gonna miss you, and I love you.

This past year, and every one of the people I’ve mentioned have changed me. There’s more people I could talk about. Alea, and Brooke, and Tommy, and Sammy, and Tahli, and Sebastian, and Kenna. My actual family. My cousin and my best friend, who I don’t feel the need to write about, because duh I appreciate them. Duh I love them. Tommy and Sammy who’ve both had their own impacts. Who have both changed my life in their own ways. Then Tahli, Kenna, and Sebastian. My nieces and nephew. Tahli, who wormed her way into my heart in an instant, and got me to a place where I actually cared for the other two. Because for so long I shrugged at Kenna. She lives across the country she’s not gonna know me. But then when Sebastian came along, I was so used to Tahli and her reaction any time I walk in the door. Then Sebastian got hurt, and it wrecked me. Because no, he’s tiny, he’s fragile, this shouldn’t happen to a six month old baby. I was so scared to hold him at Thanksgiving because I didn’t want to hurt him. 

I just. I love my friends. I love that I can say that. Because two years ago I hardly had friends to love, and I certainly didn’t feel like they should love me back. Last year I had a few more friends, and I was feeling a bit better about myself. But this year I’ve realized. It’s not just that I have friends that I love. But that they love me just as much. During intermediate acting Abby called me a yankee candle, cause I apparently had a warm, homey, aura. I felt like that was weird, cause I’m so used to being Shadow. I’m used to being ignore, glanced over. But then suddenly, I have friends that won’t do that. Friends that pay attention and love me. I’m still not sure how to handle that, but I’m doing the best I can. 

[abdicatedarchive]

not an interrogation || wren and florence

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍: library // early march.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: wren x florence.

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑𝐒: none.

𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒: wren meets florence for the first time, and the interrogation ensues.

Florence had about an hour before her next class, and since the Language Arts building was close to the library, she decided it was a good chance to check out a couple more books for the weekend. She had found out early in the semester that using this time to eat lunch made her more sluggish and sleepy by the time her French class started, so she quickly adjusted her schedule to have lunch after all her classes were finished around 2. Browsing through the children's literature section ( these books had some of the best plots and covered deep topics ), she stopped in front of the shelf with all the Newbery Medal winners, too engrossed in the titles to notice the person that had shown up next to her.

Wren was very fond of the library, it was nice and quiet. He also was in a developmental literature class and was working on a term paper, and to do that he needed many a book. Wren was making a beeline to The Snowy Day when he realized the blonde was in front of it. He knew he wanted to include it in his paper, it was one of his favorite books as a child, and one of the first children's book about a POC that won any kind of awards. Yes, it was written by a white person, but that could be ignored for the sake of the paper, and of course fond childhood memories. "Hey can I grab something real quick?" he said to the girl.

The sounds of someone’s voice startled Florence so much that she jumped, putting her hand over her heart. It was thumping so hard, she thought she might actually have to go to the nurse on campus. “Oh my God,” she said, looking over at the boy. She took a few deep breaths to calm down and stepped aside. “I’m so sorry. Yes, absolutely. What book are you getting?” she asked. She wondered if it was one she’d read before. “If you don’t mind me asking,” she quickly clarified.

"The Snowy Day I'm doing a term paper on it" said Wren as he crouched down to the caldecott winners and grabbed the book. "What are you doing in this section?" he asked with a kind smile. Wren self defined himself as very friendly, and he loved meeting new people. She seemed a little nervous from the way she was breathing, so he kept that warm smile on his face to make sure she was comfortable.

She tilted her head curiously. “Hmm. I haven’t read that one. What’s it about?” she asked. Maybe she would check it out when he was done with it. “Me? I’m here to find a new book or two to read. I go through at least one a week. These books are my favorite.” Her heart had settled back down by then, and she smiled back at him. He had a warm, friendly smile.

"Well it's not too entertaining for an older reader, it's a picture book" said Wren, "I'm focusing on young readers. But it's about a child in a red jacket on their snow day. The artwork is in quilting/patchwork style, and it's just really sweet" Wren picked it up off the shelf, "I applaud you on reading something new, I just reread pride and prejudice all the time or ready player one" that was if he was reading at all during the week. He usually just read for comfort when he needed to turn off all devices .

Florence chuckled. She hadn't realized it was a picture book. "That's an excellent point. It would probably take me all of five minutes to read. Sounds like a cute story, though. What class is it for?" she asked. She couldn't remember writing any papers about books like that, but if she had to guess, it was either an education class or literature of some sort. Florence had tested out of the required introduction literature class for English, so she hadn't had to take any last semester. She was just in composition now, but they didn't do any assignments like that. "Aren't those very different books? Quite the range. I also don't hear about many male Austen fans, so that's cool." She moved back to the shelf now that he had his book and scanned the remaining books with her finger before picking out Bud, Not Buddy. "I wouldn't say I read something new every time," she corrected him, holding up the book. "This is one of my favorites. I've already checked it out a couple times this year, and I read it in high school, too."

"It's a children's lit class, we're on early development right now" said the boy, "Education credit and english credit." Wren was a huge Austen fan, he watched pride and prejudice when he was an 8th grader and he fell in love with the enemies to lovers trope. He immediately read the book, not that he fully got it in the 8th grade. Since then, it's been a comfort read. "They are very different books, but I'm not really someone who branches out" said Wren, in every way possible, he was a comfort creature. "Oh yeah we read that in middle school, that's a good one for sure" said the boy with a friendly smile. He had enjoyed it, but required reading sometimes killed the vibe.

A children’s literature class sounded amazing. Now she wished she had taken it. “That sounds great. Do you like it? What have you read so far? What kind of range is it?” She laughed quietly at herself when she noticed she was rattling off questions. “Sorry, that was a lot.” She shrugged in response to his confession that he didn’t branch out. There was nothing wrong with that, and she told him exactly that. “We all have our comfort zones.” She just didn’t mention that hers was very much solid. She may branch out in the books she read, but everything else she did was routine and unchanging.

"It's still early in the semester" Wren explained, "so we're just on early childhood books and their impact and how to compose a children's book. So only picture books so far". He liked how excited she got about books, it was refreshing to see someone so into their school work and stuff that didn't even pertain to them. "You're good, I don't mind talking about my classes. Helps me get into them" he said, moving his hand to show it was no big deal. "I'm a big routine man myself, but my roommate is a spontaneous guy ... so we're growing and changing together" said Wren with a laugh, thinking about how little Jet stuck to a schedule in comparison to Wren.

"Good point. I'll try to ask again later in the semester if I see you again," Florence said. She wondered if she would see him again, or if this little library run-in was just a one time thing. The school was much larger than a high school, so it was certainly possible to not know people or see them once and then never again. She was enjoying talking about books with him, though. She brightened when he said he was into routines. "Really? I am, too. Well... a routine woman, but still," she rambled. "That's cool, though. You probably balance each other out. It's not quite the same thing, but my best friend is a little more flexible than I am, so she helps me get out more and meet new people."

"For sure, you can find me anytime, I'm Wren by the way" said the boy, realizing he had not introduced himself at all. They had just started making small talk. "My roommate is my best friend, so I feel that on a whole level" Wren replied, "It's good to find someone who gets you out of your comfort zone every once in a while. Helps me be a little bit less of a stick in the mud, personally." He didn't mean to cause any offense, but he got a lot of complaints from his friends back in California.

Florence winced. How had she forgotten to introduce herself? She mentally facepalmed. "I'm so sorry. I'm Florence," she said, holding out her hand. Was that too formal for this kind of introduction? It was kind of too late to withdraw her hand, though. That would make things weirder. "That's so cool that you're rooming with your best friend. Mine actually just transferred here, but we weren't able to room together, unfortunately. I don't really talk to my current roommate. Honestly, she's kind of intimidating." She wasn't sure why she was telling this stranger about it. Then the name clicked. "Wait... you said you're name's Wren?" she asked. There couldn't be that many Wrens walking around campus.

Wren smiled and shook her hand, he enjoyed the formality of it. He couldn't think of the last time anyone had shook his hand. Let alone another college student. "Well, I'm sure she will warm up to you eventually. There's a ... weird kind of intimacy when you share a room. At least that's what my Nana said about wanting me to sign up for a random roommate. But I didn't want to live with some asshole that I don't know. I'd rather live with an asshole that I do know" he replied with a laugh. He cocked his head to the side, "Yeah, Lawrence Bishop, Wren for short. I'm in a band, maybe that's where you've heard the name before" said the boy. He wondered how she had heard of him, maybe her intimidating roommate was Chanel.

She shrugged. She wasn't sure how to go about getting closer to her roommate, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to try. They were in a nice coexistence, so she was fine with that. "I understand that. I didn't know anyone here really, so I had to just wing it. Last semester was not my favorite, but I'm getting better. Plus, now I have my best friend with me again." She blinked. Yes, she was sure now that this was the same Wren that Juliette had told her about. As a good friend, maybe she should ask about Stevie. He really is the nice one, she thought. "Oh yeah. Are you in The Striking Vipers?"

Wren wondered for a minute who this friend was, he hadn't met anyone who had transferred in. But then again, it wasn't like he was going to know the girl. He didn't know Florence, so why would Wren know someone from her past? That didn't make any sense. "That's good to hear, I'm glad this semester is treating you right" he said kindly. "Striking Vipers, the one and only. Stevie is the mastermind behind it all, and Rosemary is our little star. I'm just there for moral support, and to keep the beat" said Wren humbly, "We wouldn't do anything if it wasn't for Stevie's passion for music, and Rose's ability to organize everything. She got me elected to student body president when I was a junior. That girl is ... terrifyingly organized" Wren explained.

"Yeah, same here," she agreed with a soft smile. "Hey, and now I can say that I've stepped out of my comfort zone and made a new friend. Well, if you're interested in a new friend." He was a nice guy, but he could just be acting polite and making conversation. "Yeah, I've heard about you guys. I haven't had a chance to see you perform yet, though. How do you all know each other? Stevie and Rosemary sound cool. You do, too, but I've got more firsthand experience there. So Rosemary is organized and the star, you keep the beat and were student body president... What about Stevie, other than being passionate for music? Sorry, I'm asking a lot again." She laughed awkwardly. She was rambling and trying to ask about Stevie without making it obvious that she just wanted to know about Stevie.

"Definitely new friends, you should bring your roommate around sometime. Everybody loves our shows" Wren replied, he liked this girl. She was nice and polite, and of course an avid reader. "Well, I went to Temple with Stevie as a kid. We've been friends ever since. Hebrew class really bonds people" said Wren, "and Rose has a great voice, so she had to be a part of it, but we went to school with her too." Wren heard her asking a lot about Stevie, but she seemed just as curious about everyone else. "Stevie is the backbone and the heart of it all. She's got this love for music that is unmatched by any other human walking on this earth. I know I'm talking her up a bunch, but she is sadly kind of off the market at the moment" said Wren, just covering all his bases. Sometimes when he talked Stevie up that much it had an effect on people, "But she might be one of the coolest people I have ever met. I am outrageously biased as one of her friends."

Florence grinned. She was glad to have a new friend. Hopefully Juliette wouldn't have a problem with that. From what she had heard, she still liked Wren but stayed away because of his connection to Stevie. Speaking of Juliette, her smile faltered just barely. "Oh, um, yeah, I'll ask her about it." She listened to Wren talk about his friendship with the two girls. She never would have guessed that he was Jewish, but it was sweet that he and Stevie had bonded over that so young. "Wow, that's a pretty deep passion. I don't even know if I'm that passionate about anything," she said, laughing a little. She had already heard all about Stevie's love of music and her talent for it from Juliette. Her eyes widened. "Oh! No, I'm not... I was just curious, that's all, but... what do you mean kind of? I thought someone was either on or off the market," she commented. "What about you? Now I've heard all about your friends, I'm curious about what you like, aside from books, as we've established."

"Well, they haven't ... shit there's a term for it. My lesbian vocabulary is kind of weak. It's like a thing where women move into relationships really fast, or move in together really fast? Something about a moving truck. This is going to bother me" said Wren as he pulled out his phone and looked it up, "U-haul! Yes, Stevie doesn't exactly U-haul, she fell in love in high school and doesn't exactly date anymore, well ... until now." There was more to that story, especially when Stevie got cheated on really badly by one of her ex girlfriends, or the girl she dumped for Juliette. But he didn't need to give the full report on Stevie's dating life. "So she's just taking things nice and slow, so I'm never sure if they're girlfriend/girlfriend" Wren explained. He smiled when she asked about him, most of the time he just talked about his friends. "Well ... I like Jane Austen, basketball, gaming, hanging out with my family -I'm a twin- aaaaand partying from time to time. What about you, what is Florence into?" he asked, curious to hear about her.

Eyebrows creased, Florence watched Wren with a look of amusement. She knew the term he was thinking of, but she couldn't find a spot to cut in. Then, when he stopped talking to look it up, she felt bad stopping him, so she just let him go. Her heart broke for her best friend when the boy explained Stevie's situation. It had been sweet that Stevie didn't really date anymore, but then he added "until now." Juliette wouldn't like that, but Florence felt obligated to tell her. Juliette was her best friend; she couldn't just keep something like that from her. "Oh, I see. I've never understood the U-haul thing, anyway," she commented. "But, yeah, I can see how that would be considered kind of off the market." She let the conversation drop there. It would definitely be too suspicious if she asked more questions. Smiling back at him, she listened to his answer, nodding along. "You're a twin? That's so cool! Identical or fraternal? Well, if I asked brother or sister, that would probably answer that. I have an older brother and a younger sister. I miss them an insane amount. Does your twin go to school here, too?" There she went again with the rambling questions. "Me? Um, well, I like children's literature..." She held up the book in her hand as proof. "...traveling, baking, board games and puzzles, and stuff like that. Not too exciting."

Wren honestly didn't notice anything: perks of being an oblivious male. He had just been through an entire Stevie interrogation and he didn't even know it. "Fraternal, I have a twin sister, and she goes to FIT in New York" said Wren, she was the shining star of their household. He had wanted to stay a little closer to Nana, he was a homebody for sure. "My friend from high school was really into board games and puzzles, he could talk about them all afternoon. Once you get into them, there is no going back" he replied, his kind smile just ever present on his face, "and I think those are exciting things. My ex-girlfriend bakes a ton, I know it can get very intense and exciting" he reassured her. It always came back to Chanel for him, he couldn't go one conversation without her name in his mouth. He hated himself for it, but he kept his smiling burning regardless.

“Wow! Does she like it there? My older brother is in school in Oregon, and my little sister is still home in Washington. She’s just finishing tenth grade,” she shared. Her parents had been shocked that Florence chose a school across the country, but she knew she had to make a drastic step if she ever wanted to travel the world. At least here, she knew Juliette had friends and family. She may not know them personally, but knowing of people had helped her make the leap. “Oh, really? That’s cool. Puzzles are very calming for me.” She chose not to continue the conversation about baking. She had her opinion of Chanel already formed because of Juliette, so she really didn’t want to talk about her with Wren. “What sort of games do you play?” she asked instead.

"My nana and I would do 1000 piece puzzles a lot. There's almost always one on the kitchen table" he replied when she said that puzzles were calming to her. "We try to do them as casually as possible, or we'd be there for hours at a time" he added. "Just fps with the boys mostly, and some other stuff from time to time. I went on an animal crossing binge this summer, I got really into it" said Wren, he had wasted pretty much the whole summer on his switch. It was a good way to fill his time, and him and Rory enjoyed visiting each other's islands.

She smiled at the thought of a teenage boy putting jigsaw puzzles together with his grandmother. “That’s so sweet. I bet she loves that time with you. I do jigsaws occasionally, but I’ve been really into logic puzzles lately, mostly sudoku.” She had a few apps on her phone of different puzzle games. When she wasn’t reading in her free time, she was likely playing one of those. “FPS?” Florence asked when he finished talking. The confusion was clear on her face. She was not a gamer, so she didn’t usually catch on to the acronyms people used for some of the games.

"I do love a good sudoku in the paper" said Wren, he spent Sunday mornings with Nana after they would come home from church. She would always hand him the comics and the puzzles, it was a nice routine. "First person shooters, nasty habit but they are fun" he replied, saying it out loud instead of the acronym made him feel kind of iffy about it. He was a soft boy, but they were fun with friends. "Well, I have to get back to my term paper. But I will see you around, Florence" said Wren with the kindest smile, he really did have to get his work done though.

“They keep the mind active.” Florence was happy to hear that he enjoyed them, too. A common interest or two was great to have for the beginning of a friendship. “Ohhh,” she responded, dragging the word out. “At least it’s just a game, right?” She couldn’t imagine playing one herself. She didn’t understand the point of shooting games. “Yeah, of course. Sorry for keeping you. It was nice to meet you, Wren.” She waves and flashed another smile, watching him go. Not wanting to say goodbye and immediately follow him out, she lagged behind and searched the shelf a little more to see if she wanted another book. Deciding against it a couple minutes later, she checked out Bud, Not Buddy and left the library, immediately texting Juliette. [ END ]

[sandcastles-hedestroys]

1-70 I want to know it all in great detail

I see, the key to getting asks is to passive-aggressively tag your friends.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Anyone who has ever known me in real life knows I absolutely do not. I have an alcoholic, compulsive liar for a mother and an absent father, plus some grandparents who are so convinced that they are my actual parents that they would probably kick me out if they learned I refer to them as my grandparents. Fun times.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Either my dog or yours lol. I don’t like telling people I love them. That’s something to be shown through your actions, otherwise the word loses its meaning. 

03: Do you regret anything?

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve regretted basically every major decision I’ve made, and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to think for myself. If I had to name a few things that I regret right now, I would say I regret spending my spring break being so bitter. I really did have a good time, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I hadn’t tried to make it about me. My other big regret at the moment is cancelling my campus residence app. I screwed myself out of a guaranteed place and now I’m stuck with a bunch of drama and uncertainty. Also, there’s a friend that I’ve had for years and there were times when I was pretty horrible to her and she stuck with me despite it. I wish I had been mature enough at the time to be the person she needed in her life, instead of causing drama.

04: Are you insecure?

Extremely. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, mostly my face and hair, but a lot of my family in underweight and it was kind of instilled in me, that to be attractive I had to be underweight, like I remember when I started high school I made it a goal to stay below 110lbs until after graduation. I was still growing so that goal was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. Other than that I can be really insecure about asking for the things I want and need. One of my biggest fears is people seeing me as selfish.

05: What is your relationship status?

I’m a single Pringle! I was in a relationship for a few months, but I got dumped because I consistently put my friends before her, which is funny because I’m in the middle of some conflicts with friends over not talking with them enough. I’ve been on a few dates and stuff since then, but I’m in a bad place right now mental health wise, so being single is probably for the best rn. 

06: How do you want to die?

This is kind of dark, but I don’t really care how I die as long as I’m in control of how it happens. If there’s a really wild and interesting story involved that would be even better. 

07: What did you last eat?

I’m munching on some green chili peanuts with a crap ton of Diet Coke. I’m at home right now so I’ve been eating way more than usual.

08: Played any sports?

I used to do ballet, gymnastics, contemporary and jazz, as well as various ballroom dances. I’ve blocked most of it out and lost a lot of my flexibility, but I would love to return to ballet at some point. I miss gymnastics too, but I’m too tall for it lol.

09: Do you bite your nails?

I’ve always been weirdly prideful of my nails and the thought of biting them has always freaked me out, like my nails are my babies. Keeping them nice is a big deal to me so my chompers can stay the hell away lmao

10: When was your last physical fight?

I’ve never actually been in a physical fight. The closest encounters were last semester, when my old roommate got a concussion from a crazy person that used to live with us, and a few years ago when I let a friend slap me.

11: Do you like someone?

I’m assuming this means like like. I’m not super interested in dating right now, but there have been people that have sparked my interest recently.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

I am smol and weak. My fragile shell of a body would actually start to disintegrate if I tried this. I’ve only made it to 24hrs once and my body like completely shut down.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I don’t like using the word hate for the same reasons I don’t like using the word love. There are people that I will not associate myself with and there are people in my life that I don’t feel any positive emotions towards, but there isn’t anyone that I could comfortably say I hate. 

14: Do you miss someone?

There are a lot of people from my life a few years back that I really miss, but I have to remind myself that I was a different person then, and some bonds are meant to be broken. I also really miss a lot of the friends I have at school. I take them for granted until we’re apart and then I feel all hallow, like part of me left too and that really sucks.

15: Have any pets?

I have a Chihuahua-weiner mix. He’s super old and he doesn’t have a tail and his name is Bob. He’s great. My aunt’s dog is basically my dog too, and he’s a pit mix. His name is Chester and he is actually a giant teddy bear. My friends have a doggo too, her name is Gwen and I am her aunt. She is the most talented and amazing fluffer who deserves the world.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I’m at that weirdly numb point right now where emotions are like a foreign concept to me. I’ve been super stressed and I have a lot of pretty serious decisions at the back of my mind that I can do nothing about at the moment. I’m super behind on my schoolwork and with all this stress, I know I can’t catch up. It’s super frustrating and there’s been a lot of drama amongst my friend group, making me feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my life right now. My age has been preventing me from doing so much recently and since my birthday is around the corner, even the people who claim to understand have been super condescending about my anger over it. There have also been a lot of deaths recently in the city where I go to school, and I’ve learned that death is a bit of a trigger for me, so that hasn’t been fun. I feel like I’m one serious breakdown from being there myself and that’s super scary. 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Somehow, no.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

When I was little I was really afraid of spiders and would go out of my way to have them killed. I had intense breakdowns whenever I thought a web touched me. Now, I regret having hurt innocent creatures and I think spiders are really cool. Leave the land crabs alone!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yeah, knowing what I know now, I think that it would be cool to try and get myself to the point where I am now, but without a lot of the drama.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My dorm room lol. 

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m taking a greyhound back to my college town on Saturday, and Sunday I’m returning to my normal schedule. I’m not looking forward to that eight hour bus ride.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I’m kind of a lone wolf, and I really want to travel so kinds aren’t really in the picture, at least not until I’ve gotten my doctorate. Even then I would either adopt or use a donor, and I wouldn’t have more than two. 

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Right now only my ears are pierced, but I plan on getting my septum done in May, followed by a double medusa. I also really want dimples and a brow done. Eventually I’d do my nipples and stomach as well.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’ve always been geared toward the liberal arts. I love all things involving art, history, and languages. I low-key have always enjoyed math too. I’m working on my bachelors in comparative cultural studies with minors in queer studies and museum studies. I want to carry that on to a masters in gender studies and a phd in Buddhist art. After that I’d like to go back to school fo economics and eventually obtain a masters in economic history.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss people from my past when I’m unsatisfied with the people currently in my life. I have to remind myself that they aren’t around anymore for a reason and that it’s more important to work on the relationships that are relevant. Dwelling on the past does more harm than good. 

26: What are you craving right now?

Some love and affection? I’m not craving anything really. I could just use some peace and quiet.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes. I’ve broken an ex’s heart when I ended the relationship. I was unhappy, to the point where I cheated. This was also the point when I started to question if I was actually a lesbian. I dumped him and never told him why. I broke my friend’s heart when I led her on, but then rejected her because I was in love with someone else (who did something similar to me). I broke my aunt’s heart when I told her I felt like I don’t have a family. I broke my biological mother’s heart when I made it clear that I didn’t want her in my life. I’m pretty good at the whole hurting others thing. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

It’s very possible, but if someone did, they never told me.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I can’t name a specific time, but I’m sure it’s happened.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

What isn’t irritating me right now? Oh my god. 

31: Does somebody love you?

I’ve had a lot of people tell me they do, but I have a hard time feeling it most of the time.

32: What is your favourite color?

I love every color, and I don’t like making colors feel left out, so my favorite changes a lot. Right now it’s yellow, because yellow is a bright, warm, happy color. I also really like pink. The pastels of both of those are 10/10

33: Do you have trust issues?

I legit don’t even trust myself. The only person I honestly trust 100% is my aunt. I have really bad trust issues, but I also overshare a ton. My life is a cycle of sharing my life story and then panicking. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

The other night I went to sleep while drunk and I had this wild dream where I met someone, learned his whole life story, flirted and eventually fell in love with him, came out to him, saying I’m not sexually attracted to guys (he came out as ace too so it was perf), and then he was hit by a car, causing irreparable brain damage. I woke up right after, but that dream will haunt me.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My aunt. I was updating her on my life in college, and it’s been less than ideal.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

I’m a huge believer of forgive but don’t forget. I used to be so bad about grudges that I would be angry even after forgetting what I was upset about. I guess I have the opposite issue here.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. Like I said above, I might forgive you, but knowing what someone did before will always leaving me searching for instances of them doing it again. Trust issues who?

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It’s only March and I already know that it will be one of the worst years of my life. Ugh.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I think I was thirteen. I didn’t know how I felt about guys at the time and I almost puked in that poor dude’s mouth. 

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

I have, and it was terrifying. Midday skinny dipping wasn’t one of my greatest ideas.

51: Favourite food?

Avocado on toast with a poached egg on top, muffuletta, yellow curry, and eggs benedict are my top ones.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Absolutely. I didn’t really believe this until my roommate’s big fight last year. So much happened in one night, that wouldn’t have happened if we had done things even a second later. It was wild, but it was like there was so much pent up negative energy that the universe needed to release, and it found a way to make that happen.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I put some food away.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

The thing about cheating is that it’s when you go out of your way to do something with someone else when you know it would hurt your current partner. It’s something that happens when you aren’t happy in your relationship, and in a lot of cases it can be a cry for help. It is hurtful and a sign that a relationship isn’t meant to be, but cheaters shouldn’t always be villainized.

55: Are you mean?

I can be, but I try not to.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

None, lol

57: Do you believe in true love?

Not really. There are so many people that we have things in common with or who exist on the same wavelength. We might find someone that makes us happy for a long while, but nothing is permanent.

58: Favourite weather?

I love hot, sunny days when you can leave windows open, wear shorts, and only drink things with ice. 

59: Do you like the snow?

I lived in Alaska for over nine years before moving to the Sonoran desert. I moved to Northern Arizona for school, and when I saw snow again, it was as an adult who only saw the negative aspects of it. I hate being cold.

60: Do you wanna get married?

I don’t see myself ever being married. I would have to really love someone if I were to actually settle down and start a life with them. Right now I really only see it as something that would tie me down.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I honestly hate baby as a pet name. It freaks me out. The only pet names I find cute are the unusual ones, like once when an ex accidentally called me cornbread.

62: What makes you happy?

Getting my nails done, binging my favorite show (Archer), travel, doggos, wandering around in stores with my music blasting so I can feel like I’m somewhere away from my problems, seeing people impressed with food I made, completing a project and being proud of my work, etc.

63: Would you change your name?

I hate my birth name, but I’m also afraid I’ve been conditioned to feel that way by my grandparents as a way to attack my bio mom. Because of that, I’ve been going by my middle name and various nicknames. Most people close to me call me Abby, but my favorite thing is to be called Lynn. I’m pretty hesitant to legally change it though.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah, the last person I kissed kinda sexually assaulted me, and I’d like to avoid that.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Reject them as nicely as possible. Dating would be bad for me right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not sexually attracted to men.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I don’t think I have a best friend, period. I don’t think I’m entirely myself around anyone through. Different people will bring out different parts of my personality.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Not sure tbh. 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My aunt. The conversation we had about my life at school was pretty emotional.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

No, for the same reason I don’t believe in true love. Life is too impermanent for there to be someone our soul fits with perfectly. There is too much change for something to be predetermined like that. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

Anyone who has ever been somewhat nice too me. Honestly though I would be willing to die for a lot of people. The thought of anyone else having to suffer really sucks and if I can save them from that, I would.

[ninacarstairss]

you were wondering where i was and if i was okay?? 😭😭 i’m emotional nero. i didn’t even think people would notice if i left for a week i— that is just making my day and my whole week <3 and of course i was!! i missed our little letters in those days!

ugh so you had to work overtime?? it sounded like it was a really rough day, i’m glad you treated yourself to some tea and chocolate later and that you have the night off today

you may not have that kind of building but oh god i’ve always wanted to see australia. it seems so beautiful. and i’m just a sucker for history and new places. as for sicily, yes with cooler weather it’s probably better, less tourists crowds and it’s nicer to visit. and happy to share the pics!!

oh no :,( i don’t know if the temperature would be better or not in taiwan but ugh at least you could have avoided the nosy family friends. i hate it so much when my family forces me to hang around their friends and all they do is ask about personal stuff and make me uncomfortable. but then again, room service and books don’t sound too bad! i’m glad you could stay in and relax even though you couldn’t really enjoy bali.

ohh really?? and yes, it basically is!! i never got to see the band live and i still follow them now a lot and this year i got to see both louis and harry live! it was so so amazing and worth the wait!

thank you again 🥺 i was really stressing a lot about all that, but this definitely helped. especially the really good food. wish i could send you some of that delicious homemade pesto!!

it may be just one class but it’s an amazing start!! i really couldn’t be happier and prouder <3 i can imagine how hard and scary it is but also, the relief of circling your right pronouns!! again it’s such a huge step, i’m so happy for you <3 (and honestly all classes should have this introduction sheet. it just sounds nice). also really happy about this new friend!! he’s definitely going to give you a different experience for this semester with all the extrovert energy!!

oh my god international studies. you know i was studying the same thing in high school and when i got to uni i changed it completely for the same reason?? i hate that they introduce the course as something progressive and contemporary and then it’s basically economics and history. the same boring stuff. really really glad you switched for something you really like now!! (and i don’t know if you said it before, but you’re doing literature now right? or did i just assume because you said you had weekly novels to read for school?😅)

i am currently studying foreign languages and literature, and i honestly love the field of study, but i hate the way they’re teaching it in my degree. it’s all the exact same literature i studied in high school and the language classes are a joke. so i’m thinking about either trying out a new uni and keeping the same degree, or changing it up entirely for journalism which i always loved but was scared to pursue. i’m trying to decide what to do, but i think i definitely have to do something. this degree i’m doing now it’s just making me miserable.

ohh a happy heartstopper fanfic!!! that’s my absolute favorite kind!! and it sounds great really, i can’t wait to read it when it’s done, and the book too!! i would be so honored 🥺🥺 and i’m already crossing my fingers and hoping so hard you get a book deal because i’m sure it’s going to be so so amazing <3

well now i’m very curious (and hungry). what kind of drink is that?? it looks so good and simple, so aesthetically pleasing 😻 i’m currently having breakfast and that looks like something i’d really enjoy now

and i love the biscuits and flower crowns so much <333 they are definitely making my day. hope your day/night is also going amazingly and i’m sending you a ton of forehead kisses and flowers <3

Hello Nero!!

how are you?? i disappeared for a week or so because i’ve been on holiday!! finally, i’d say. i went to sicily with a friend and it was so fucking amazing!! i’d never been there before, and it was way too hot so we didn’t get to visit too many places, but still it was amazing.

we went to the beach a lot, and the water there is so clear and clean, and it wasn’t even too crowded so i was really loving that. then we went to palermo and trapani, and to an archeological site nearby that had an ancient greek theater and a temple and they were so so beautiful!! (i have a very large obsession with percy jackson and greek mythology)

trapani and palermo were also really beautiful. though it was so hot i barely got to enjoy palermo because i felt like fainting half the time and i had to stop to rest in the shadows every other minute :,(

i was also not feeling at my best. i was at a harry styles concert the day before i left and i got out really sweaty and hot because of the venue and the jumping and screaming and then i took the bus home and it was super cold because of the air conditioning, so obviously i got a cold that lasted the whole vacation. but still it was worth it, the concert was so perfect!! i’ve been waiting to be at that concert for 10 years!!!

also, the cold wasn’t too bad and i still got to enjoy the vacation in the end!! and eat lots of really good stuff there in sicily :)

how are you doing nero?? how’s uni going so far?? and how are the flowers you bought for your room?? but most importantly, did you find a table at that cute cafe to claim as your own???

i’m sending you a big warm hug <3

HELLO CECE MY DARLING

firstly, i missed you a lot. i missed seeing your little url in my notifications and your little comments (and stuff to reblog). and secondly, this is just what i needed after a long shift at work. just to give you a mental image, i am nuzzled into the corner of my couch with some chocolate and a cup of tea (a shower can wait)

i’m glad you went on holiday and that you enjoyed yourself! i’ve always wanted to go to sicily, it looks so pretty. unfortunate about the weather, but i’m happy you had a good time nevertheless

i hope going to the beach was refreshing in that hot weather! it would have been so nice without the crowds and with being as clean as you describe it to be. and i love love LOVE ancient architecture, i’m sure sicily has beautiful buildings that hold so much history and culture (and i can totally understand the percy jackson and greek mythology obsession being fuelled by it, i would fully nerd out)

but i’m sad you couldn’t completely enjoy palermo :( heat strokes are the absolute worst! i remember going to bali for a family holiday and i did not enjoy it at all, because i kept getting awful heat strokes. it was just really really hot. where i live is quite humid (which is sometimes worse), but when you’re on holiday (especially with family), you’re outside all the time and i kept having to go back to our hotel room just to get to normal body temperature :(((

i hope you’re feeling better now!! the change in temperatures would have definitely caused your cold, as well as how packed the harry styles venues always are, but that would have been so worth it!! i’ve heard he is a really good live performer!! and you deserved to see him after waiting that long

i am so so happy you got the chance to have a break and just have a good time with your friend! what kinds of food did you get to eat? i’m sure it would have been good!

alright, my turn to update you! :) i am pretty good!! my classes are SO GOOD, i am so so so happy i switched degrees, i was so incredibly unhappy in my og one. i managed to make a friend (yay!). he’s super extroverted though, so my social battery struggles to keep up with his need to talk all the time, but he’s really nice! i also managed to be brave enough to sign my pronouns on an introduction sheet in a class of mine (i still put my legal name, but progress!)

i’ve also been getting into a writing groove too! i am almost finished a heartstopper fanfic and i completed the first chapter of a book i am writing (and i’m honestly really proud of it, despite it being the first draft)

and yes, i managed to find a table!! as i said (at least i think i did), the seating for the cafe is outside. i picked this cute little table underneath a tree, so when it comes summertime, i will hopefully have some shade to cool me down. only downside is the leaves are small enough to shed onto my laptop :( but! it’s such a nice place to study and take my notes before my tutorials and to read over my novels for the week

i am sending you a massive hug back and a forehead kiss <3

[cherriegyuu]

House of Cards | one

(cred.)

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 12.3k 

preview, one, two

I looked at the teacher yet again, still not being able to completely focus on his words. Not because I didn’t want to or because I thought that his class was boring. I loved his class, it was actually my favorite. I couldn’t understand what he was saying because the people out front, the popular kids, were being too loud for whatever reason.

I rolled my eyes at them and tried my best to block them out. I had done the same thing many times before so it shouldn’t be a problem to do it once more. But when I finally managed to do it I wished that I had stayed oblivious for the rest of the class.

“Yoona, you’re paired with Jungkook”

I groaned and slid down my seat. Why is this happening to me?, I asked to whatever deity that was willing to listen an answer. Why, with all the students in that class did I have to be paired to with him?

I wasn’t against it because I thought that Jungkook was a bad student, it was quite the opposite. He was actually a very good student, straight A’s only kind of student. I was against it because I thought that we had nothing in common, no shared interests, nothing that could possibly draw us together, and nothing that could make our assignment work.

“Can’t I do it on my own?” Jungkook asked with his hand raised, something that made the entire class go quiet.

Jungkook was one of the popular kids. No, not just one of them. Jungkook was the epitome of popular kid. I was pretty sure that if you looked up the word “popular” in the dictionary you would probably find a picture of him.

I didn’t even get mad at him for wanting to do the project with someone else. He was right to ask, he had good reasons. And because it was him asking I thought that maybe the professor would cave, all the other ones did. Because it was the golden kid, because it Jungkook, that was asking.

“I don’t think that will be possible” of course Mr. Young wouldn’t fall for it though, it was like he was immune to golden boy’s charm “Whoever I paired you with will be the person you work with until the end of the semester. There’s a reason why I paired you together, I hope you find out soon enough”

By then I was already blocking him out. How was I supposed to work with Jungkook, someone I never even exchanged a single word with?

Just great. Creative writing, for six months, with Jungkook. What could possible go wrong?

  Jungkook and I avoid each other for the next week. During Mr. Young’s class we would sit side by side, simply because it was the expected thing, but other than that we never interacted. But our time was running out fast and we had more than just one assignment to do. Half of it I could do on my own, I was supposed to it on my own, and then I should put my half with Jungkook’s half and then make a whole other thing. It was as simple as that but I was pretty sure that Mr. Young wanted us to do something else because just that would be way too simple for him.

So, with my grades in mind, I decided that I should be the one to approach Jungkook, even if that meant that I was physically in pain.

After the bell rang, indicating that everyone was free to do their next thing, I didn’t move. I didn’t even tried to put my things inside my bag. Jungkook gave me a side glance but didn’t say anything as he got up to put his stuff away. With a sigh I looked up at him.

“Can we talk?”

The words felt foreign in my mouth, like I had never actually spoken to a person before. I never thought the one day I would be talking to him, much less that I would be the one to start the conversation.

“Hum…” he looked over at his friends and gave them a short nod and a second later all of them were gone “What’s up?”

He didn’t make a move to sit down again. Instead Jungkook stayed standing, it seemed like he was ready to run. I should probably feel offended but my feelings were just like his.

“I thought that maybe we could go ahead and start our project”

I hated how nervous I felt and sounded. But talking with people wasn’t really my thing and talking to guys only made that feeling get worse.

“It’s the last project we gotta send in. Why would we start now?”

He sounded bored, his eyes looking at anything else but me. His only behavior only made me feel worse. The pen I held against my hand gave somewhat of a relief.

“I know that but my friend said that Mr. Young…”

“Do you even have friends?” Jungkook snorted but his expression changed half a second later and his eyes went wide “I didn’t mean to say that out loud”

I only nodded at him and focused my eyes at anything else but him. Without looking up at him I pulled out a folded sheet of paper from my notebook and handed it him.

“My notes, just read them up”

I wanted to say more, explain my idea even further to him but the words simply refused to leave my mouth. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him, much less talk to him. But it brought some relief that I had written my ideas down. Everything was in that piece of paper, divided into topics and whatever else I felt the need to add while I was making it. So maybe Jungkook would be able to understand it.

“Yeah, okay” he murmured before he turned around and left. I was finally able to breathe again.

  Another week went by and I didn’t hear a word from Jungkook. I was pretty sure that I had written my phone on that paper I gave him but I started to question myself on it.

Had I really written my number or I just thought that I did? Is he asking Mr. Young to change partners again because he thought that I was too weird? Or maybe…

“You’re doing it again" I looked up at Yoongi, his eyes as bored as ever.

He was my only friend, the only person in the world I felt somewhat comfortable to be around.

“Jungkook isn't being very helpful” I sighed.

I was doing my part, though. I wasn't entirely sure that he thought that my idea was good but because he didn't say anything I presumed that we were going to do that. But then again I could be wrong because you never truly know what is going on inside Jungkook’s head. The kid was brilliant but he was also somewhat lazy, so maybe we would end up doing our project at the last minute and on top of that he would want to change everything I had already worked on.

“You're doing it again” Yoongi scolded me once again.

I met Yoongi when he was a senior and I was just a lousy freshman. For whatever reason he got me a job at the same book store he worked at. While he worked at the small coffe shop I worked at the actual book selling part of the deal.

“Sorry, it's just… This project is messing with my head and there is everything else is also keeping me busy”

He nodded at me and handed me a cup of fresh coffee

“I get it, you have a lot on your mind. Drink up and stay awake for a few more hours so you can get a head start on your stuff”

I shook my head and but even then took the coffee he was offering. I was not the type of person who would simply ignore coffee.

“You should stop giving me free coffee, pretty sure the owner doesn't like it”

His only response was a shake of his shoulders and he made his way back to his spot.

“He said that we could drink it. Probably not the amount that we drink but as long as he doesn't complain…”

I smiled at Yoongi but my mind went back to Jungkook quickly. “Do you even have friends?” He was right, I didn't have all that many friends, Yoongi was the one and only. But even then, even if words were true, what he said stung.

I probably shouldn't care about it, if it was anyone else I would have ignored and moved on. But because it was him, because Jungkook was the person that said those words to me, I felt it harder than I should.

I shouldn't, he was just a person. I person I have known for a very long time but even so…

“Welcome” I said when I heard the other open without raising my head “Can I help…”

The words died in my mouth when I saw Jungkook in front of me, hair wet and the bunny smile he was known for in place. I could only stare at him, not sure of what I was supposed to say. Should I scold him for taking so long or thank all the gods that he was there and we would finally be able to start our project?

“I've been meaning to talk to you but class is never a good place. Too much people around, hard to concentrate”

To many people or you just didn't want to be seen talking to me? The words came to mind but they never actually left.

“You could have texted. Pretty sure she left her number on that paper she gave you”

My eyes grew big at Yoongi’s words and I felt my cheeks get warm, so I was looking like someone who had spent way too much time in the sun. But I was grateful for my friend's words, grateful that he had my back even when he didn't have to.

“Right, your friend”

Jungkook glanced quickly at Yoongi before turning to me again. This time he took a step closer, like he didn't want Yoongi to hear what he was saying. I was tempted to take a step back but I stayed in place knowing that the counter would give us enough space.

“Your notes were really good and your idea is great” I only nodded at him, not knowing what to say “I thought that maybe we could exchange notes for now because I don't think we would be able to meet up, your work and everything”

There was something different. I wasn't sure what it was. He didn't usually spoke to people in that sugar filled voice, he didn't approach people like that, especially people he hardly talked to. He always kept his distance, had always been reserved. It had honestly surprised me that when I saw him at college I saw him surrounded by people . I suppose people can always change. But that change, him speaking to me like that it was not something I could have foreseen.

“That could work. Sunday afternoon okay?” I hate how small I sounded and felt. He was just some guy. I was sure that if he didn't do his part of the assignment I could just write some sad story on his behalf. I could make it different enough from my own writing that Mr. Young wouldn't suspect of anything.

“It's fine, but why Sunday afternoon?”

Jungkook tilted his head to the side a hint of uncertainty in his face.

“Don't people usually go out Saturday night and get drunk?”

It was my turn to tilt my head him. My actions and words made him smile, even laugh a little bit.

“That’s actually very true”

He smiled at me again but this time his smile was different, somewhat more realistic than the previous one he had on. I could only smile back at him. I heard Yoongi scoff the back but I ignored him, it was something that I was actually very good at.

“Sunday afternoon then?”

“Okay, I'll see you then. And this time I won't forget to text”

I watched as Jungkook walked away but stopped at the door. He turned back at me and waved. His actions surprised me and I couldn't wave back at him. I only moved my eyes away from the door when Jungkook was nowhere to be seen.

“Someone is wiped” Yoongi said teasingly.

I turned at him, shaking my head as took a sip of, the now, cold coffee.

“That's not it. I've known Jungkook for a long time, we came to University at the same time. The way he acted today? Not very normal for him”

“How do you know him so well?”

How could I explain to my best friend that I just knew Jungkook?  I was just sort of always around. I was doing my thing while he was doing his, we never even looked at each other. But I knew of him, it was inevitable - especially in the small city we lived in, especially because of who he was.

“We went to the same high school, that's all”

Yoongi raised both his eyebrows at me while he took the cold coffee out of my hands and replaced it with a warm one.

“He doesn't seem to remember you though”

I smiled at him. It was a sad smile but I knew that Yoongi couldn't tell the difference.

“No, he doesn't”

  Later that day I got a text from Jungkook.

8:37pm unknown: hey, it's jk.

I must have started at my phone for about five minutes until I finally mustered the courage to text him back but before I could do anything my phone beeped in my hands and I nearly threw it against the wall.

8:45pm unknown: is this really yoona’s phone?

8:46pm unknown: you have the thing in your hand the whole day, come on and just answer

The only answer that I could give him was:

8:49pm yoona: how do you know that?

8:50pm unknown: you're not the only one with a pair of working eyes, yoona

Without realizing I rolled my eyes and snorted, a tiny smile on my face. Why was I smiling at my phone when Jeon Jungkook was texting me? We didn't do that kind of thing. I didn't do that sort of thing.

8:53 unknown: i forgot to give you my notes, sorry

8:55 yoona:  it's fine, I'll just read them on Sunday.

8:56 yoona: let's meet at the cafe close to campus, library doesn't open on Sundays

His answer didn't come as fast as the other ones, he told took his time to type a simple cool. But, for whatever reason, I was smiling and by the end of the night I had Jungkook's number saved on my phone.

  I was okay the rest of the week. I didn't think about meeting Jungkook at all nor did I concerned myself with the fact that he didn't say hi to me when he sat down next to me in class. I should have asked for his notes, make our job to a little faster but such thing also didn't come to mind.

I was far more worried by the other assignments, all the other classes, my job and everything that I had to pay for. The good thing about living at dorms was that I did that have to worry about rant, that was already covered by scholarship.

But once Sunday came along I was a nerve wreck. I was hyperventilating left and right and sweating. Oh God, I was sweating so much. I took two showers before going out to meet him. I would probably have taken a third one if I had the time.

Much to my surprise Jungkook was already there when I arrived. He had a bunch of notes and small pieces of paper scattered across the table and he was looking outside expectantly. When he saw me he smiled and waved. I wanted so bad to turn around and leave, just run away to the furthest place I could find. But that wasn't a possibly, a choice that I had. So I walked inside and prayed to whoever was listening that this one day would end well.

  I never had a haircut, not until I turned four or five. I can't be sure of the date, but I was really young. The kind of age people don't usually remember. But that day I remember. I remember as if it was happening right now. I had the most beautiful hair, the darkest shade of black - very snow white like - and it was straight all the way down with little curls at the ends.

I was raised by a single dad so he didn't care very much about me getting a haircut because beautiful girls should always have long hair, he used to say.

Thinking back at it now it was really annoying to have such long hair. It was always stuck on my face, getting in the way of me playing with mud or whatever else it was. At that age I still didn't know how to tie my own hair, I tried a couple of times but it was way too long and my arms were too short. I made it work though. I would tuck my hair inside my shirt and when my dad gave me a cap that fit my head I would use to tie my hair up. None of the things I did I were the ideal but it was the only thing a four or five year old with no money could do.

One day my dad walked inside my room and said “I think it's time for you to have a haircut”. And I was honestly so happy. I followed him through the house, jumping because I could barely contain myself.

How silly are kids? They find  joy and happiness in the most silly things. A water bottle filled with beans or corn it's the coolest thing because it makes noises, teddies are great because they are fluffy, soft and sometimes as bright as the sun

So I followed my dad inside the bathroom. He took his shaver from the cabinet and smiled at me. He shaved my head, I was left with about half an inch of hair.

Back then, because I was so young and naive, I thought that my dad was giving me a present. I had been talking about a haircut for a very long time, so he did what I wanted.

It was only a few years later that I found out that my dad wasn't giving me a present, he was actually punishing me.

  I looked up at Jungkook, expectantly. I loved writing, hence why I wanted to go around the world writing about travelling. But having someone stand in front of me, reading what I wrote, while it was nowhere near finished was the most nerve wrecking thing that could ever happen to me. Sometimes I would allow Yoongi to read what I wrote but I had to really be in love with it and most things I wrote weren’t as personal as the words Jungkook was reading.

Mr. Young wanted us to write about our own lives and see how people with completely different backgrounds could have similar life experiences. Sometimes I think that he only paired Jungkook and I because we came from the city and went to the same school, and with one good look someone could tell that even though we grew up in the place everything about us is different. Or maybe he thought that pairing two good students together would create something worth of reading.

Jungkook put my notes down, his eyes on my face. I ran a hand through my hair hyperaware that it was looking at it. Since that day I never had long hair again. I would let my hair grow until it reached my ears thinking that maybe just once I could let my hair get long again. But then I would just get uncomfortable and cut it.

I wished I had put a cap, like I did most days when I wasn't going to class. I hated the looks I got from some people when they say my hair. Girls should have long hair, I heard some of them say. But that day if felt even more uncomfortable because Jungkook knew half of the reason behind it.

The worst part of the project would be how much Jungkook was going to see of me. He would just see a every tine piece I had worked so hard my entire life to hide. He would see it all, the ugly and the bad and to be honest I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. My life simply wasn't something I talked about often, or at all. And it wasn't like I had many people to talk to. I had Yoongi but he didn't ask and I didn't tell, it worked that way for us.

“Is all of this real or…?” Jungkook asked.

I reached forward and took my notes out of his hands, hiding them away inside my notebook.

“Mr. Young said that we should be as real as we could” I answered him quietly.

“Yes, like based on true facts kind of thing. That?” he pointed at where I had put my notes “Doesn't seem like something someone would fake”

I couldn't keep looking at him and before I even knew what I was doing I was pressing the own inside my palm.

“Not everyone has a good one”

I kept looking outside the window. The street was empty everyone either too lazy or still facing a hangover to leave the house. I liked it that way, when I could walk around as I wished without anyone looking at me - or at least without me thinking that there was someone looking at me.

“Will you let me read yours now?”

Jungkook had said that he would only let me read what he wrote after he read mine. I extended my free hand, palm up, waiting for him to drop his notes on it. But I waited in vain because he just shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You’re not reading my notes”

I could only stare at him for a few seconds – his eyes, his nose, his lips, and the little mole under his lower lip. Everything about him screamed that he really wasn’t going to give me his notes. So I did something that I never thought I’d do. I grabbed his book and note books from the table and put in front of my. My hands flying through the pages trying to find whatever it was that he wrote but all I could find was pages filled with numbers and things that I had no idea of what they meant.

“You didn’t write anything, did you?”

I organized his things the best way I could and put it back in front of him. My actions earned a small smile from Jungkook, something that he made sure he hid very quickly.

“If you didn’t do anything why are we even here?” I sighed.

His answer was to take his phone out of his pocket and show it me. Everything that he had written was in there. He gave me thing very willingly but it was no surprise that it had a password and the probability of me knowing what it was from zero to none.

“You people and your passwords” I mumbled.

“What, don’t you have one?” I just shook my head and gave him his phone back “No way”

Jungkook grabbed my phone from the table and looked at it. It was a new model. Yoongi had won it from somewhere and gave it to me since he had changed phones recently. Jungkook’s eyes went wide as he went through my phone. I wasn’t worried about him seeing anything that he shouldn’t because there wasn’t anything o my phone. The only app I download was one I could use to listen to music, the few pictures on it were from trees and places I wanted to go, I always erased my messages and there wasn’t like I would text someone constantly.

“The only people in your contact list is me and that guy?” he looked at me before continuing to go through my phone “At least your taste in music is half descent”

I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed my phone back. I was done with him, with being there. If we weren’t going to make any progress I had no reason to be there. I could have stayed back at the dorm and get some of the other smaller assignments done.

“Look, I’m going to head back” I started to put my thing away and got up “I’ll see you in class”

I head out to the door but only took three steps out of the coffee shop before Jungkook caught up to me, his hand grabbing my arm. I stood frozen in place, the color drained from my face. I wanted to take a step back and move away from him but I stayed in place, waiting for whatever it was that he had to say. It couldn’t be anything bad, I knew that.

“Sorry” Jungkook said when he saw my face. He let go of my arm and took a step back, something I was grateful for “Let me give you ride”

I was ready to say no, so ready but when I looked at his face I simply couldn't do it. He had this apologetic look on his face, maybe for scaring me or maybe because he read a little bit of my story. Either way the look was there. I tried to convince myself that the only reason why I was taking his ride because it was getting late and it was a long walk back to the dorms.

I nodded my head at him and followed Jungkook as he made his way to his car. He went to get the driver's door but stopped and walked to me, his hand going to handle and he pulled open the passenger’s door for me. I got in without a glance at him, my heart beating rapidly inside my chest, like a hammer hitting a nail.

I couldn't bring myself to start conversation with him and it wasn't like we had much to talk about anyway.

Once we reached the dorms, after a very awkward car drive, I got out of the car with a quiet thank you and walked to the door quickly. Before going in I looked back and saw Jungkook's car still parked outside. I walked back to him, my hand hitting the window loudly.

Jungkook was startled to see me, his eyes wide for a second before he rolled down his window.

“Did you forget something?” he looked at the passenger’s side but it was empty, all of my stuff in my hands.

“Would it be easier, if you send me your stuff? You don't have to watch me while I read it…” I trailed off not knowing what I was saying.

I wanted to make it as easy as possible for him because then it would be easier for me too. I didn't really cared if I ended up having to burden it all, as long as we did it all I was going to go forward with it.

He tilted his head to the side, something I saw him do way too times.

“Would that be okay?” I nodded at him once and in return he gave a toothy smile “I need your email”

I reached inside the car and pulled his hand that was holding the wheel. He looked at me in shock as I took a pen out of my back pocket and wrote my email on his arm.

“Was this really necessary?” he asked when I was done.

I smiled at him and nodded before walking away.

  It felt like my phone was alive. Suddenly it started to beep with new messages.

Out of habit I read Yoongi's first.

09:07pm Yoongi: how was date with golden boy?

I frowned at my phone wondering since when Yoongi had become so concerned about my well-being.

09:10pm Yoona: fine, not much progress done though

09:11pm Yoongi: as expected

I rolled my eyes at phone and sat down on my bed. My fingers hovered over the scream, my mind telling me that maybe this time I shouldn't read the message. But I knew that I should, especially because it was from someone who helped me so much.

08:59pm unknown: hey yoona, hope everything is going well. you're already halfway there, i know you can make it. 🙂

I smiled at the words on my phone. That person was the only one, in the whole world, that always told me that I could make it. She presented me with opportunities and gave a choice, she didn't try to cripple me or take the steps in my place. She was the one who told me that I could walk on my own.

09:15pm yoona: hi, everything is fine right now. i’ll keep working hard no matter what

I left Jungkook's message for last.

09:05pm jk: can i be honest?

09:17pm yoona: sure

I looked at screen for a long time, my eyes expecting to see those three dots indicating that he was writing something but they never came. I went through my phone, looking at some of the old pictures, whatever relaxing playlist playing the background.

I was almost dozing off, my eyes nearly closed when my phone vibrated in my hand. With a sigh I looked at the screen, my eyes going a little wide after I saw Jungkook's name on it. I even blinked a few times to make sure that I wasn't seeing things.

10:43pm jk: it makes me uncomfortable when people read my things, even teachers. After reading what you wrote it made me think that you are better than me.

10:44pm yoona: we are two different people, you shouldn't compare us. Send me your stuff, i promise that i won't judge.

I nearly cried out in happiness when I saw a new notification of email. In the subject it said you promised not to judge. I smiled, surprised that Jungkook was actually somewhat of embarrassed. It was a side of him that he didn't let people see very often. I doubted that the people who went out with knew about it.

Taking a deep breath I opened the file.

  Nothing interesting happened in my young days. To be honest I don't even remember it. My earliest memory was of when I was eight years old. I was in school, the class as loud as someone would expect but suddenly everyone stayed in silence. The teacher walked in, a small boy following her.

When I was a kid I didn't fully understand why that day, out of every day, simply stuck to my mind. I finally found out why: it was the expression on that kid's face.

It was of pure fear. Every kid gets scared on their first day but that kid looked terrified. I used to sit in the back and even from that far I could see him shaking.

I swear that I knew that boy from somewhere, I was so sure that I had seen him before. But when I walked around town, trying to figure it out, the boy was nowhere to be seen. As I got older I still looked for him but I told myself that I didn't know him, that whatever it was, it was just in my head, just in my mind

I used to watch him. He intrigued me that much. We had most of the same classes but once lunch came around the kid would just disappear. The kids never said his name, he had no friends, so I never knew who he was. I once tried to take a peek at the teacher's folder just to know that kid's name but it wasn't there. It was like that boy who were the same clothes every day, clothes that were way too big for him, didn't exist.

  I couldn't contain that sob that escaped me. I had to cover my mouth with both hands so my roommate didn't hear me and wake up.

Just why would remember that, Jungkook?

  Jungkook and I became quite close after that first day, or the least someone could expect us to be. I would even catch Mr. Young nodding at us approving that we were making some progress. But something didn't change though. We still didn't talk in class but I would hand him my notes and he sometimes would draw a smiling face whenever he thought that I was way too focused on class to notice him.

I never was though. I was always hyper aware for him, of the way he looked at me, of the way he would tilt his head whenever he saw a pen against my hand. I could also feel his friends’ eyes burning a hole in back whenever I was with Jungkook. On the Sundays we met they used to follow him, sit in a table at the corner and make too much noise, enough so that Jungkook himself got angry and told them to stop.

We started to text each other every night. Most nights it didn't even have to do with our project. It was just him sending me some random facts about the animal world. It was cute. Too cute.

  My dad and I don't talk to each other. We didn't back then and we were as heck don't talk now. He had some expectations for me, expectations that eventually I am going to meet. I will take over his business like he wants, I will move back home like he wants. I am going to do everything that he wants. Every last thing. I'm going to be the son he always wanted.

I just wished he would let me be myself for a while, just while I'm here at college. I'm not asking for much, am I?

My mom is a complete different story. She has always told me that I should do whatever I wanted, even if that meant that my dad would be disappointed. “Just be happy, Jungkook. I'm sure your dad is going to be happy too” she used to say. She doesn't anymore, though. Right now she just sends me stuff she thinks I'm interested in: games, dance, music, cooking, engendering, sports. I'm pretty sure she sends me whatever she sees. I think that she goes “oh, Jungkook could do this” and then she will send me whatever it is.

I have a lot of friends, I get messages the whole day, but none of them sends me as much texts as my mom. And I'm not about to complain about it

I believe that I have the best of both words: an overruling dad and a mom who just wants me to be whatever I want. It's weird and crazy but I wouldn't change a thing about them.

  04:12am yoona: your dad is sort of not a very nice person.

04:13am jk: that’s one way to say it. Why are you still wake?

I looked around myself: books sprawled everywhere, my notes and my notebook in from of me. My roommate went to a party and said that she was going to stay with her boyfriend for the night, so I was enjoying the hours I had alone to do some studying. Not something that most 20 year olds wanted to do on a Friday night. I could have gone out, Yoongi invited me to a party his friends were giving but I wasn't in the mood. I was never in the mood.

04:15am yoona: studying. shouldn't you be at a party?

I wondered just how many parties kids that went to same college could throw at the same day.

04:16am jk: I was but I left, all that weed was making me dizzy.

04:17am yoona: good call

04:17am yoona: wait, are you driving right now?!

04:18am jk: maybe…

04:18am jk: yoona, you still there?

I refused to read the rest of his texts, though that didn't stop him from sending them. My phone kept vibrating but I just ignored it, until it lighted up with Jungkook's name and phone.

“Oh, now you're driving and talking on the phone. You drank, in directly smoked weed. You shouldn't even be inside a car right now! You really…”

“Hey, hey!” Jungkook managed to speak louder than my rambling “I'm not driving anymore, you're right. I'm sorry”

I stopped talking, my body going straight to a rest mode when I heard Jungkook's voice. His voice was something that has always gotten me to calm down when I was nervous around him. He didn't have to elaborate much, just my name. My name coming out of his mouth was enough.

“I'm living long enough to hear all sorts of weird things” I mumbled more to myself than to him.

I never once expected to hear Jungkook say that he was sorry. But then again I also never thought that we would be working together…

He laughed and I swear to God that I could see him smiling, all cute and sweet. And just what was happening to me?

“Are you done with your next part?” Jungkook asked.

I looked around myself, trying to find where I put my notes.

“Yeah, a couple of hours ago” I found then under my laptop, the only part of the bed that wasn't over filled with something “Do you want me send to you a picture?”

“Can you read it for me?”

His words caught me off guard. Why did he want to hear me say the words? Writing my story was already hard enough, reading them out loud for him would be even harder.

“I don't think…”

“Please, Yoona. I like your voice and I would like to hear your story through you”

God why couldn't I say no to him?

“Are you sure no one is there with you?”

“Yes” I could hear him smiling “Say those words to me”

  I was ten years old when I first went to church. I didn't go there because I suddenly wanted become someone religious or because I felt that there I could be truly happy. I went there because I had to.

I heard from kids at school that some of their parents were giving old clothes to the church so people who needed it could just go there and get some.

With my heart heaving and unsure steps I walked inside the church.

It wasn't as full as I thought it would be. In fact there was only one woman inside. She was folding some of the clothes and tucking them away inside a box. I felt my heart drop when I saw that. It was over, there was nothing left for me.

But the woman heard me walk in, kind of hard not to when every step I took echoed across the huge room.

When she saw me, the woman smiled and waved me forward. I walked towards her slowly, my heart like a thunder inside my chest. People used to make me nervous, even more then what they do now.

“You are so lucky” she said, the prettiest smile on her face “We still have one dress left. The prettiest one, if you ask me”

She bend down and put her hand inside a box, from where she took the most beautiful yellow dress I had seen in my whole life. I wanted to take it so bad, put it on and act like a girl for the first time. But I knew that shouldn't, knew that if I accepted the dress from her I would only get in trouble when I got home.

I just shook my head at her, my fingers pointing at the clothes that were still on top of the table. It was boy clothes, thick and warm and it would give me some comfort during the winter.

“But those are boys clothes” I shook my head at her and kept pointing at the clothes “Okay”

She gave more clothes than what I asked for, more clothes than I needed, more than what I could store. But I took everything that she was giving. I wasn't sure when another of those church things would happen again.

“Yoona?” I was about to walk out, a bag full of clothes in my tiny hands when the lady called my name.

My name could be heard all through the church. It echoed in the most desperate way, just like that woman's voice.

How does she know who I am?

  My voice was shaky as I finished reading. I never once thought that one day I would say those words out loud. I was okay with writing them, it helped - and it honestly wasn't the first time I was writing about myself. But saying those words out loud for someone to hear was something that I didn't expect to ever do.

“Was that lady your mom?” Jungkook asked.

His voice no longer sounded tired. I knew that he was with me the whole time even though while I was reading I complete zoned out.

“No” my answer came with a sad smile “She was friends with my mom”

He was quiet for a while. I could picture him sitting in his car, his eyes closed as he heard me. I wanted to be there with him. I wanted to do so much with him. The kind of things that people do when they are friends, when they are more than friends. But I could never bring myself to say something to him.

“Will you tell me about everything else?”

I froze for a moment at his words. I didn't know how to answer him. No one has ever asked me before how my life was, people simply assumed they knew or they just didn't care enough . Did Jungkook care or was he just curiosity driven?

“Why?”

“I don't know. It seems that you have a lot to say and no one to hear”

I asked myself for about half a minute what I should do. And to be honest the answer was quite easy.

“My mom died giving birth to me. I was told that she always knew about how dangerous it was but even then she choose to go forward with it. My dad was against it but he accepted her choice. But when she died he lost it, he couldn't do anything. My mom was his center, you know. He tried to be a good dad, sometimes I would get a glimpse of the man he once was, the man I only heard about. He made me dress like a boy because I look like my mom a lot, he thought that if I was a boy he wouldn't see her all the time.

“That lady at the church was friends with both of them, she had her own child around the same time my mom did, a boy. She helped me so much, Jungkook, the kind of help you only get from a parent. I used to be jealous of her son. Not because he was bad or anything, he was actually a great kid. I was jealous because he had a mom and dad. But I also used to admire that kid. Not for anything especial, he was just plain good. He had so much but wanted to give out most of it”

Jungkook was quiet for a while, not a single sound coming from his end of the line. I even thought that maybe the call got disconnected.

“Jung…”

“That guy, were you in love with him?”

I could only smile.

I wasn't in love with that kid. I admired him but I wasn't in love with. But I was in love with whom he had become.

  I became bold after talking to Jungkook on the phone, for over three hours - the sun was already bright in the sky when we hang up.

I would text him whenever I felt like it and he would immediately reply, like he was expecting it; I would nod at him whenever I saw him in a hallway, sometimes he would smile back at me or a nod was all I got.

I started to crave our late night talks, the little drawings in my notebook he would make, his texts, our meetings every Sunday afternoon - that sometimes would become nights and ended up in us talking in his car. His smile was the prettiest thing I had ever seen.

But maybe I became too bold.

For whatever reason I thought that I should talk to Jungkook while he was with his friends. As I approached him something in my head just screamed at that I should turn around and leave. But I decided to ignore that part of my brain and just what my heart was begging me to do

So with shaky hands and a dried mouth I stood in front of them: Jungkook, two guys that I never seemed to remember their names and a girl. She hated me, I knew that much. Her looks towards me were already really bad before but they became even worse after Jungkook and I were assigned to do a project together.

“Hi” I said.

I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. One of the guys snorted and the other one tried to hide his laughter and there was the girl. Nina? I wasn't sure. Her eyes bored into mine and I unconsciously took a step. I didn't care about any of them though. The only one that I wanted to have some sort of reaction was precisely the only one who didn't.

Friends only where people can't see us.

My eyes stayed on Jungkook for no longer than a second before I looked away from him.

“I need my notes”

I tried to make my voice as bored as possible, my eyes never on him for way too long. Jungkook took his backpack off and pulled out whatever paper and handed them out to me.

Truth was that my notes weren't with Jungkook, they were just the first excuse I found after I realized that I needed to get away from there.

I nodded my head at Jungkook and walked away from him.

He tried to talk to me during class, as much as we would talk to each other in those moments. He reached for my notebook to draw his smiling faces but I would always pull it away. He also gave a funny look when I left but I ignored him yet again.

  I couldn't get up on the next morning. My body ached all over and it felt like my head was about to explode

“You look like shit” my roommate said.

I could only nod at her, agreeing. Suddenly I felt her hand on my forehead but I already knew it. I had a fever. It wasn't very hard to tell really. I body was on fire but I somehow still felt cold. I wanted to pull at least another four covers over me but I knew that I shouldn't, that would only make matters worse.

“We don't have any medicine” she said.

I waved a dismissive hand towards her, my eyes still closed.

“I just need to sleep. If I need something I can call a friend”

She probably nodded, I wasn't sure, before she left and I feel into sleep again.

 I woke I few hours later, my phone busing like crazy. I reached a hand for it, answering it without looking.

“Hm?”

“Yoona? Where are you? Why didn't you go to class today?”

It was Jungkook at the other end, his voice was desperate and it seemed that he was running. I wanted to answer him but it felt like my mouth had forgotten how to work and the only thing that I managed to say was a low hum.

“What's wrong? Where are you?”

“Dorm”

The got disconnected before I or him could say anything else. I wasn't too sure of what was going on but I didn't care very much. All I wanted to do was sleep and feel better.

 I woke up again when I felt a hand in my forehead before it was replaced with a cold wet towel.

“How did this happened?”

I half expected to see Yoongi when I opened my eyes. Though he seemed like someone who didn't care very much, he did care, more than people thought. He knew that I wasn't the kind of person to just skip work or class. Those two things kept me alive and going, I wasn't about to simply toss them out.

But it wasn't Yoongi the one was nursing me, it was Jungkook. He had this kind of agonizing look on his face, his hand moving across my face with the towel.

“It rained last night” I said trying to keep my eyes open for longer than one second.

I felt silly for being happy that Jungkook was there, happy because he could be anywhere else with anyone else and for some unknown reason he choose to go and stay with me. It was a stupid thought really, especially because of what had happened the day before.

Part of me wasn't hurt. What did I expect, that suddenly the golden boy of college would be nice to me? I was mostly angry at myself for thinking that a couple of months could change things. I was still the same person, with the same problems and insecurities. I didn't know who Jungkook was though.

When I thought back at our schools days I could no longer see that boy; when he was alone with me he was that kid again but the moment he turned around to be with his friends he was someone else entirely. Someone I did not that want to be friends with.

“How are feeling?”

I pushed him hand away, making too much effort to get to sitting position. I was finally able to look at him, see him. God, I wish I didn't. His face showed so much, too much. Happiness that I was finally awake, confusion as to why I was in such a state.

“Thanks you for coming, I feel better now”

It was a lie, I wasn't feeling better at all. My head was spinning and I felt like throwing up but I wasn't about to say that to him.

“About yesterday…”

“You can go now, thanks for the help”

His face  almost broke me, the way he looked at me like I was the one who somehow had betrayed him. At the same it made me go soft it also made feel angry at him. How dared he look at me like he was the who had been hurt?

“Yoona…”

He tried once again but I stopped him.

“I lived my whole life in secret, being someone's dirty little secret. I got away from that and I'm not about to go back because of you”

I wasn't sure how I was saying all of those things. Where that strength was coming from, that resolution, everything about it was a mystery to me. I could hardly keep my eyes, it hurt too much to speak and stay sitting felt like one the worse ideas I've ever had. But I still did it. I couldn't show just how weak I was.

“When I saw you walk up to me yesterday I was so happy. When you smiled, still close to the door, I wanted to smile. You stood there in front of me and said hi, all I wanted to do was say how beautiful you looked” Jungkook took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving my face “I like you Yoona. Not simply as project partner or a friend. Its more than that, a lot more”

I could no longer breathe, something that at the moment was already very hard.

Had I really heard those things from Jungkook or was I simply hallucinating because I wasn't feeling that well? If Jungkook was really there those words did he actually meant them or was he just saying it for shake of our project? Thoughts like that ran through my mind but I wasn't quite sure of what was the truth.

“That's a great speech, Jungkook”

I wasn't sure what it all meant but whatever it was I was willing to take a risk.

  The next morning I wasn't still one hundred percent but I was well enough to at least go to class.

After saying those words to me I thought that Jungkook would leave, or at the very least I would wake from that dream, but neither of those things happened. In fact Jungkook stayed, he nursed me in and out of sleep, his hand always on my face or holding mine.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, Jungkook was still there, his hand holding mine tightly. He was asleep, his body on a weird position and his head on my bed. I was surprised to see him still there.

Until that very moment I still thought that I was dreaming, thought that that all those moments when I opened my eyes for the briefest second I would blink and Jungkook would be gone. But he was still there.

I still didn't know how to act around him. I was somewhat thankful that when I woke up he was gone. I looked over at my studying table to see medicine and a note.

Take this and get a shower, I'll see you later. jk

I smiled at his note and put it inside my drawer but did just as he had said.

  The first thing I saw as I walked inside the building was Jungkook. He stood tall next to his friends, a bored look on his face. Whatever it was that his friends were saying wasn't all that entertaining. He looked just as good as I remembered, dressed in all black.

I wondered what I should do. I questioned myself if I should walk to up to him and say something, thank him for what he had done. But I decided that the best thing I could was just to not say anything. I could always text him or call him later if I thought I needed to. I didn't want to have a redo of the previous day.

His words were still on my mind but I chose not to do anything about them just yet. I loved to hear them, it was everything that I have always wanted someone to say to me but I was dangerous waters to pass through.

So all I did was walk pass him, my head down. Not making eye contact was a good thing, I thought. I even heard that girl, Nina, snort and the boys laugh but all of it died down once Jungkook called my name.

“Yoona!”

I froze in place, not sure if I had heard it right. I turned around slightly, just in case my ears were playing some kind of trick and none of that had actually happened. But it was all true, Jungkook was taking quick steps towards me, while I stood in the middle of the hallway with my eyes wide.

Everyone was looking at us, trying to figure what exactly was going on.

“I can't believe you would just walk by” I looked quickly over his shoulder to where his friends were and he did the same “But then again, I can”

“I not sure how to do this” I whispered to him.

I know that he knew exactly what I meant. What were we? What did that mean to all the people around us? How should we do it all?

“I'll explain it. First, you say hi” Jungkook raised his eyebrows at me, a tiny smile on his face when I shook my head “Come on, say it”

I wanted to hide my face, I felt my cheeks get red from embarrassment but not because I didn't like it. It was because I liked it too much.

“Hi” I said shyly, my hands trying to cover the redness in my cheeks.

“Then I'll do this” he pulled one of my hands away from my face  and intertwined our fingers, his lips going to my cheek quickly “and then we'll go to glass”

Who knew that Jungkook could be so cheesy

  Every day after that seemed like a dream. Jungkook and I were always around each other, it seemed like we were attached together.

Every morning I would make an effort to wake up early so we could meet before class. When I walked out from the dorms Jungkook would already be waiting for me leaning against his car. I couldn't help but always smile at him, I wondered just how I managed to get so lucky.

I could never forget the first time he went to pick me up at work. Yoongi was being oddly cheerful that day, cracking jokes left and right. His good mood didn't die when he saw Jungkook walk inside or when the younger boy ordered two coffees or even when Jungkook walked up to me and handed me one of those coffees.

“You know I could have gotten that for free right?” I asked him, the teasing in my voice evident.

Jungkook simply rolled his eyes at me and smiled, that bunny one I liked so much.

“Are done yet?”

I could feel Yoongi's eyes in us the whole time, mostly in Jungkook. Every movement the he made as closely watched by my friend.

“Almost, we close at eight” I pointed at the clock in the wall “and it's still seven thirty five”

Jungkook nodded and turned around to seat at one of the many empty tables but Yoongi's voice stopped him.

“Wait, are you guys dating?”

I looked over at Jungkook, silently saying that he should be the one the one to answer. I never did the dating thing so it was kind of hard to answer and besides I didn't know exactly where we stood. Were we a couple, official dating, or we were just getting to know each other?

“We're dating” Jungkook answered without a second thought

It made me happy that he didn't have to think so much about it, that he wasn't questioning himself as much as I did.

I looked at Yoongi expectantly. His reaction could be anything, you never knew with him. One second he was complaining about everything, eyes bored, saying that he just wanted to go home and sleep. The next minute he was all cute and sweet, acting like a sixteen years old boy filled with cheesiness.

“Oh, thank god” he threw his arms in the air, surprising both Jungkook and I “I couldn't deal with her pining anymore, she didn't say anything about it but it was all over her face. That first day you came here? I thought that she would faint. And then every time you guys met for the assignment she had this longing look on her face”

I had never seen my friend babble so much and for the first time since Yoongi and I had been friends I wanted him to just shut up. But that wasn't the case with Jungkook at all. He was enjoying the whole thing. Yoongi talking like crazy and me trying to shut him up? Not something that someone would see very often.

“Okay, that's enough” I took off my keys from my pack pocket and the tag name from my chest and handed them to Yoongi “You can close alone tonight”

I walked around the counter and left the store without a single glance back. I didn't know why I was so angry. I don't think I was even angry, I was just embarrassed. Jungkook didn't need to know that I had a long time crush on him. That boy was overfilled with confidence, and that knew would only make matters worse.

“Yoona!” Jungkook left the store a few second after me “Come on, wait up”

I stopped close to his car, my arms folded across my chest and and unamused look on my face.

“Why are you being like this? Your friend was only joking”

His words sounded sincere but he had a smirk on his face. I just wanted him to stop doing so we could get in car and go away.

“It's embarrassing”

Jungkook's smirk turned into a full out smile as he reached for my hands and pulled me closer to him, our chest inches apart.

“Would it less embarrassing if I told you I have been pining over you for a long time too?” he let go of my hands so I put them around his waist and he did the same thing “Even before we were set up to do that project together?”

I shook my head at him, a tiny smile playing on my lips.

“I don't believe you”

Jungkook simply shook his shoulder and untangled himself from me.

“Oh well, I tried”

  The day we send our project in I almost had a heart attack. I kept wondering if we had done a good job, if we managed to convey all of our emotions through our writing. I had tingling feeling all over my body and I kept gripping Jungkook's hand like my life depended on it.

He kept whispering that it would all be okay, that we did a good job and that we tried our best. I choose to believe him. I could be out there freaking out or I could just be with him, doing whatever it was that he wanted to do.

It made me feel sort of bad that Jungkook wasn't hanging around with his friends anymore. The guys would still call him and text him and I'm pretty sure that whenever I wasn't with Jungkook during the day they would be around. But when they saw me approaching they would scatter away. I told Jungkook many times that he should just go out to meet them, go to the parties they were inviting him to. I could stay at the dorm waiting for him, or even in his place, but he wasn't having any of it.

“I'm not going to leave you here all alone”

He was shaking his head from side to side and pulling me towards him, his arm around my waist while my hand were on his hair.

“You should do things you wanna do too”

“I wanna stay here with you. That's all I want”

He pulled me tighter against him and let his body drop on the bed, pulling me down with him. I laughed quietly at him and got a smile from him in exchange.

“Why would I go with them when you are here waiting for me?”

I could only smile at how thoughtful Jungkook was. Thoughtful isn't the correct word, more like how he made me a priority just like I made him. And it wasn't like he had much of a competition.

I leaned forward, my lips brushing his ever so slightly. I sighed in contentment when he tighten his arms around me.

“I like it too, us being here together. There is nothing better than this”

  It was the last day of school. Mr. Young had made everyone anxious by leaving the results for the last day. Most kids had already left school to enjoy the summer but everyone in Mr Young's class was still at college waiting impatiently for our grades.

I cluched Jungkook's hand tightly, too nervous to even say something to him.

“Come on, babe. It's going to be fine. We did great”

I nodded at him still feeling nervous. The thing I hated the most was that Mr. Young was going to give our grades out in front of the whole class.

Everyone took a deep breath and stayed quiet as the professor walked inside the room. Suit and tie in place just like any other day, to be honest he looked a little more fancy than usual days.

“I have to say that I'm a little disappointed in some of you” he said and leaned against the table “A few groups, people that I'm sure that I don't have to say their names, didn't work as a group. While some of you did a poor job some did an excellent job, better than anything that I could predicted”

“Let's name the cows” some student at the back said “Who did the best? I'm sure everyone wants to know”

“We all know that's going to be me, so you don't have to be very dramatic to announce it”

I turned around to look at Jungkook's friend, Taehyung. Everyone was laughing at him and he looked very confident but there was something about the way he was acting that implied that he actually felt truly nervous. Not that I could blame him.

The entire situation was way too nerve wracking for anyone to walk normally.

Mr. Young seemed to debate Taehyung’s request for a minute before he nodded his head. He reached out behind him reaching it for the stock of folders on top of his table and taking the first one out.

“When I paired these two together I wasn't sure what would come out of it. It would either work out really well or be a complete failure” he started to walk away from his table, going around the tables of students “Both of them are great writers but with very different styles, both tend to take the reins at whatever they are doing so I thought that I would be interesting to put them together. But right now I see that it worked out very well. Even better than what I had thought, it was one of the best works any student had ever done in one of my classes”

Mr Young walked around class for maybe another thirty seconds before he disappeared behind Jungkook and I, the only two kids with the tables together, or sitting down - everyone else was standing or sitting on top of the table.

I yelped and jumped in surprised when I saw an arm between Jungkook and I. It was Mr. Young's arm holding the folder.

“Congratulations you two. You did a brilliant job”

 I was pretty much jumping as we left class. I could hardly believe that we had gotten an A, much less that we were the best in class.

“I told you that you didn't have to worry that much” the teasing in Jungkook's voice was evident “ You were working with me after all, zero percent of chance of failing”

I could only roll my eyes at him and we made our way to his car. That was our last class of the year, now we had the whole summer ahead of us, or at least part of it.

Jungkook was going home to see his family, he invited me to go with him many times but I just couldn't bring myself to say yes. I wanted to go back home again and I wanted to see his mom, someone who much like a mother to me. But I just couldn't, not when I wasn't sure that things with my dad wouldn't go bad.

“Just a couple of weeks, it won't the that bad. You would love my mom” I already love her “and my dad won't be around much so you don't have to deal with him”

I smiled at shook my head at him. I snacked my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me as I leaned against his car.

“Go home and enjoy time your parents, be a nice kid. I'll be right here, in two weeks, when you come back”

I stayed in my tiptoes and kissed his lips quickly, I was still somewhat embarrassed to do coupley things when people were around us.

“And that's when the real fun will start”

  While Jungkook was away I decided that I should tell him about it all, that I was that kid in his school, that the person who helped me was his mom. Every single thing that I hadn't told him yet. And to be honest it was pretty easy to make up my mind.

I had no reason to hide those things from him, I hadn't done anything wrong. If anything I had been wronged by someone. I accepted people's help because I had to in order to survive.

I will never forget the day he came back, three weeks later - not two like he had said. It seemed like that first day he went by the store. He had a goofy smile on, his backpack in one shoulder and arms open wide.

“Now, tell me that you didn't miss me”

For the first time in my life I squealed. I ran around the counter and pretty much threw myself at his arms, making him laugh quietly against my hair.

“This is a bit more welcoming than what I expected” he whispered so that only I could hear him.

“Don't say that you don't love it”

I took a step back  but didn't pull myself away from him completely. I had missed it, being Jungkook's arms, simply having him hug me. The nights I layed in bed alone without a word were hard so all I wanted to do was stay in his arms for as long as I possibly could.

“I do, I love it”

It was the way he said it that made think that his words had a deeper meaning to them, it was the way he looked at me like he was seeing something beautiful and couldn't look away that completely gave it away.

I wanted to say it back, I felt it too. But I decided to keep my words to myself just for a while longer, just until we were alone.

“The two of you are gross” Yoongi said from behind us, popping the bubble Jungkook and I had created for ourselves.

“No offense, but you'll get it when you have a girlfriend”

I took another step back but Jungkook didn't let me get too far from him, holding my hand.

“I do have one” my friend's eyes that looked bored perked up at the mention of his girlfriend “and we are not like that”

I nodded my head, agreeing with him. Yoongi and his long-term girlfriend, Mina, didn't act like Jungkook and I did around each other. Event tough we weren't very explicit about it, everyone knew that we were together, we were always holding hands or Jungkook had his arm around my shoulder, sometimes he would kiss me when he thought that no one was looking - which was a lie because it was college and there is always someone looking. Yoongi wasn't like that at all, he would at most hold her hand. Mina didn't seem to mind it either.

I wasn't quite sure why they acted that way but I always chose to blame it on their age.

“Hm… I have no answer for that”

Jungkook shook his head making Yoongi and I laugh. I turned to my friend, a pleading look on my face. If he could just this once, just one more time, close the store on his own I would be forever greatful.

“Get out of here you two, it's giving me nausea”

  I had an either feeling go down me spine the moment Jungkook walked through his buildings door. I wasn't sure why I felt it but at the time I choose to blame it on wind. But it wasn't the wind, of course it wasn't.

It was Nina.

She was standing at Jungkook's door, her arms folded across her chest and her head down. The smile I had on my face just a second before died and I stopped walking. Jungkook hadn't noticed her until I refused to take another step.

“What is it?”

His voice faded as he turn to looks at where my eyes were. His eyes winded for a while before everything on his face changed and he looked very serious.

“How did you know that I was going to comeback today?”

As she heard his voice Nina looked up, a smile on her face until her eyes fell on me.

“Taehyung told me”

“He should learn how to shut up” it was all Jungkook said before he pulled me forward to door “You should go”

I tried to keep my head down and not look at her and I managed to do just that until Nina started talking.

“How long are you going to be like that? This was all supposed to be just a little bit of fun right? It was a bet Jungkook,  she was a bet, how long do you plan to keep this thing with you?”

i hope you all can love it as much as i do

[nutmegtales]

Chaos

So, here’s the thing. I fucked up, like really fucked up. I’ve always been a bit of a fuck up, but it never really mattered all that much because I’ve also always been a bit of a nobody, someone who could just slip through the cracks of life and be forgotten. This time though, this time at least some people are going to remember me.

You know how a while back the ‘Gifted’ started appearing, with all their super cool powers? And you know how everyone sort of freaked? Just like in the comic books. Things were pretty weird for a little while. The politicians were figuring out how best to use this revelation to their advantage, the gifted ones themselves were all trying to find their place again, and the ignorant bastards of the world started shouting. But it did all settle down for a bit, didn’t it. I mean once the government decided that ‘gifts’ had their up sides, it got a bit easier. You remember seeing sometimes on the news when someone or other would use their gift for ‘the good of the people’ and save a few kids or put out a fire or something? Yeah that was pretty cool. I didn’t really pay all that much attention to it at the time. Bu then you remember what happened not too long after? How the bad ones started popping up? Yeah that’s when the shit really hit the fan. All the ignorant bastards started shouting real loud then, and things started changing again. Do you remember? I do.

I remember lining up at my university first day back for the second semester for their ‘health checks’. Saying there had been an outbreak or something, and everyone had to be tested and accounted for because we couldn’t risk the spread of such a dangerous communicable disease. No one asked any questions did they? There wasn’t any warning, no one knew if it was just our Uni, or other schools too. It was for the health and safety of our community, so we all just went with it. None of us realised it was the whole country. Every school, every work place, every government department, every house and even the rural communities… Everyone, homeless or rich, toddler or granny, worker or student. No one slipped through the cracks then. I wish I had.

The majority of us, like 99.99% of us, left with nothing but a little prick on our arm and a cookie. But the others… I remember getting to the head of the line, giving my name and being taken inside the closed off room that was usually a med lab. I remember asking what the diseases was and being given some long and overly complicated medical term to shut me up… it worked. They asked me a few questions, like had I been feeling different lately, had I travelled overseas recently, you know the stuff you’d expect. I answered honestly, I’d felt as depressed as usual and hadn’t been out of the country since the last time I’d seen my parents, years ago. That was all pretty usual. I’d been to the doctors plenty of times and was used to the routine questions and the bubbling fear in my chest as I hoped they wouldn’t think I was a hypochondriac or say I was dying or something terrible.  Then they said they needed to take a blood sample to determine what level of risk I might be at. I didn’t exactly like needles but of course I said go for it. I mean, why not?

I left a couple minutes later just like everyone else, a prick on my arm and a cookie. I had a lab to get to across campus and was now running too late for a morning coffee, which was a bummer seeing as I had a full day of labs and lectures to attend today. The lab was pretty boring, the usual meet and greet and what to expect in this unit. It drawled on a bit, but finally it was time to head off. I had a half our gap before my first lec, just enough time to enjoy a good coffee and some breakfast from my favourite little café. I’d ordered my coffee and was milling around outside nibbling at my pie till it was ready, greatness takes a little longer of course. I remember one of the med girls from earlier approaching the café, that’s when the anxiety kicked in. ‘oh god I’m at high risk and they’ve come to tell me I’m infected already, what if I’m dying, how much longer do I have?? Weeks? Days? Hours??? Oh god oh god oh god’. She walked straight passed me without a second glance my way.

Okay, so I may have overreacted a little and already planned out who would get all my possessions in the time it took her to pass me, but I mean, c’mon she was looking straight at me. She walked up to the barista as he called my order, which is why I had the displeasure of overhearing their conversation. I’d expected to hear an order for the wonderful coffee they serve here but instead. “Excuse me, Mr John Carin?” the woman had asked “I’m sorry to inform you that we have identified you as a high level risk, I’ll need you to come with me, quietly please, and don’t run”.

He ran.

Of course he ran, because he knew, he knew exactly what this was about, what everyone else didn’t know. My coffee was knocked onto the ground as john grabbed my wrist and hauled. Why did he have to grab me? Couldn’t he have just run? Or grabbed someone else? I mean, me? Really! Of all the people in the coffee shop! The woman wasn’t exactly surprised and was quick to act, she was right behind us as we got to the middle of the courtyard, with something, that I silently hoped was a tazer, in her hands. I remember freezing, all my limbs locking up as terror tore through me, everything screaming at me to get out of there, but I didn’t. I heard behind me, as my throat was roughly grabbed “back off bitch, or I’ll crush the small one”. He meant me by the way. The woman just laughed and said it wouldn’t do him any good… that was helpful.  That’s when I really freaked because the ground just in front of me started to churn and crunch, the bricks slowly cracking and turning and crumbling smaller and smaller into fine bits. Like a fucking coffee grinder, the bricks like the beans. “fuck” I wailed, and yeah it was a wail, you would too. John was a fucking human coffee grinder and I was getting uncomfortably close to the churning ground, and this bitch wasn’t even trying to help me. “fuck fuck fuck”. The woman pointed the, oh shit now I could see it, the definitely a gun and not a tazer at all, straight at me and apologised “better fast than a slow grind”. What the fuck! Didn’t these people have protocols, like… don’t shoot the innocent human shield??

Fuck fuck fuck, the ground was slipping under my feet, scraping at my shoes, the only thing keeping me upright was flipping coffee grinder john. I saw the woman flick the safety off the gun and steady herself. Idiot john was telling her she didn’t have the guts and to just let us go, the oaf was egging her on. That, my friends, that is when I fucked up.

By now of course there was a crowd, there were plenty of phones out recording my imminent death, the crazy woman had back up who to my horror were quite content to let her deal with the situation.  Mr coffee grinder john seemed to have no intention of leaving alive at this point, and I, well I was at breaking point. Everything in me was screaming to leave, to escape, to run, to slip between the cracks of life and just get out. Of course, everything in me didn’t quite have all the facts and didn’t seem to understand that hovering above a giant grinding pit wasn’t the best time to brake my captors hold. Everything in me, decided it didn’t care. I felt a horrible sensation scrape down my spine and burst behind my eyes as the bitch pulled the trigger. My ears rang, eyes felt heavy and everything faded out of focus, my fingers tingled and I had a horrible burning in my lungs. Things changed. It was chaos. John was dead, a bullet in his chest where my head had been. I stood next to his body a few steps away, completely unscathed, and totally numb, staring in shock as the woman and her back up ran towards me and told me to put my hands up. I did. Everything felt sluggish and I must have been too slow, one of the guys in the back up grabbed my arm and twisted it behind me, latching a hard metal cuff around my wrist. He went to grab my other hand and again snapped the cuff securely around it. That’s when I fucked up again. I took a step to the side and… slipped through. The cuffs lay on the ground at the feet of the back-up man, a few steps away from where I was now. I looked up in surprise and said “fuck”. That’s the last thing I remember before something hitting me in the back of the head, hard.

By NutMegTales

Read my other stuff here: Elsewhere University, Blood Tales, Dark Ones, Misc, Poetry

[academla]

Summer 2017 Update

Hey guys! Finally, another big update post. If you haven’t read these before, I split it into sections: Academic, Financial/Professional, Social, Mental Health, and anything else I feel like. Feel free to skim! (Give this a like if you’re actually reading it because I feel like most people ignore these update posts, which is fine, I’m just curious haha.)

Academic

I go back to school on September 5. I’m super excited, but I think my underlying anxiety has been affecting me a bit.

Classes I’m taking on campus: Classics of Children’s Literature, Abnormal Psychology, and Ethics & Society (an Honors seminar).

Classes I’m taking online: History of World Civilizations Before 1500 & Child Psychology.

Here are some comments on each class so far (I’m nothing if not thorough, guys):

Children’s Lit: Well, Harry Potter is on the reading list, so I’m already there. I’ve emailed the professor already and she seems super nice, so I’m pretty excited. The syllabus is a bit intimidating; I’m sure it will be fine, though, and having a nice professor makes a huge difference.

Abnormal Psych: I’m going to have the same prof as I did for Intro, and I’m really pumped about that (so is she). I’m nervous because the tests are harder and longer, but she was very reassuring that I’ll be fine. There was a whole issue because I thought that Abnormal had service learning linked to it (service learning is basically where you get experience doing things related to the course, so essentially volunteer/internship work) and was planning to use an internship that has been in the works since the winter for that. However, turns out that it isn’t linked. My prof was super nice and said she would be flexible. I emailed my adviser in a bit of a panic, and she informed me that actually service learning is no longer a requirement of my major. So, I’m going to go ahead and do the internship for my resume, but not have to worry about the assignments and grade aspect.

Ethics & Society: I don’t know anything about this really, but I do know that the professor is well-liked and I’ve seen him a few times.

History: Okay, so I hate history. I’m quite well-rounded as a student and I know that I’m lucky that most classes, I do very well in and enjoy. But history just... I don’t even know. My history teachers in the past have all thought I was really good, and I was grade-wise; I simply didn’t enjoy it. So to make this bearable, I know I need to have a professor I like. I was going to take it on campus, and emailed briefly with the professor I was going to have, but he had bad RateMyProfessors ratings and struck me as not very personable or understanding or nice. I checked about online courses and saw that there is one being taught by the director of the Honors College that I’m in, whom I really like and has a great reputation and ratings. Unfortunately there is a $125 fee associated with online courses that I wasn’t aware of, but cost-benefit wise, I really think I’ll be happiest like this.

Child Psych: Oh GOD. Why am I so extra? I emailed the prof once and she was super nice. Then I replied, and since online courses are different from real-life ones in that you don’t really get that ‘getting-to-know-you’ vibe with professors because it’s so remote, I mentioned that I can be an anxious student. I just said basically that means sometimes I’ll ask a lot of questions or check and double-check things for reassurance. I also asked if she was a professor willing to look at drafts or not. She completely got the wrong impression and sent back an email (that was quite final too; signed it “All the best”) as though I had been a hysterical student coming to her with anxiety that I had no idea how to handle. She told me that there are personal counseling services offered by the college as well as the writing center with writing tutors. I’ve had outside counseling for 7 years, and I’m a writing tutor... so that was ironic and also a little embarrassing. Whoops. Honestly, when I get embarrassed about things like that (which I often do) I kind of remind myself that I’m just there to learn and hopefully earn that A, so what they think of me doesn’t matter that much.

All and all, I’m excited for school to start. I want to learn things and take notes and have stuff to do. I also have waves of anxiety, which I’m working very hard to combat with reality checks and focusing on the positives. Oh, and I got an A somehow on my chem accelerated summer course :)

Financial

I have worked two jobs this summer after a lot of miscommunication and lack of clarity:

A preschool, the same one I worked at during my gap year. It was unfortunate because I thought I was going to work full-time there after my chem course, but they didn’t need me because they had so much help. I ended up working Thursdays and Fridays there and Monday through Wednesday at my dad’s job. Now that all the summer help is leaving, though, they’re back to being in desperate need. Everyone there is pretty stressed (and families have been leaving).

At the place my dad works. They produce food and formula for people with metabolic disorders (primarily PKU). I was extremely appreciated there, which was nice, and I got a $4 raise on my second week! They’re desperately understaffed and having problems with their products, as well as not being able to keep up with general demand. I electronically filed faxes dating back to 2016, stuffed envelopes (my favorite), put in tons of orders (one day I put in 34 out of a total 62 orders that day), and by the end was allowed to check emails and reply to some of them. I LOVED the job. However, there’s the possibility I might be able to work there on Fridays during the school year, which I would love. It’s stressful there because there’s so much shit going on and people are basically running around putting out fires all day, but I enjoy my work so much.

During the year, I’m hoping to work at my dad’s job on Fridays, do my psychology internship (if you don’t recall, I’m going to be working at a VA hospital helping with a study on suicide prevention), and tutor! I’m a math and writing tutor. They’re two completely different trainings and types of tutoring, so it should be interesting. Luckily we get to shadow a writing tutor for awhile before being on our own.

I’m not doing well with money, guys. The entire year of 2017, I’ve only made $300 or so. I’ve spent $1,800 on school, even with scholarships, and $940 on medical things such as medication and copays. I did win a $1,000 scholarship which has been very delayed in arriving and I’m praying it will get here by the end of this week or next week so it can be applied to my account. I didn’t work over winter break, which was really my downfall; I needed the time for a mental health break, though... so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it.

Unfortunately it took awhile too for me to lock down my jobs, meaning I only got to work for like 4 or 5 weeks. That really isn’t very much money even with the raise I got. Right now I’m owing $615 per month for my payment plan, and even with tutoring and potential Fridays at my dad’s job, I’m definitely going to lose money. I’m considering taking one winter class online, so I can still work all winter break. That $125 extra fee from my web class sure didn’t help me.

But I must soldier on! I’m going to make sure that none of my money ever goes to frivolous things and never goes to waste. Money is meant to be spent and not hoarded, as my mom reminds me, and it’s okay to spend some on things like going out every so often as well, so I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that (though I still am). School was always going to suck up money. I’m trying very very hard to stay in the moment now and not stress about next semester or worse, what will happen when I get hit with that $30k bill when I transfer and don’t have even close to that much saved.

Social

I’ve changed several times throughout my life socially. In 9th grade, I was extremely social because I needed to be and I had trouble being by myself. It was a lot like that through high school. When I made online friends in 11th grade, they were my social life while drama and bullying and shit went on in real life. Recently, I had a major burst in socialness online, and eventually reached breaking point when I became embroiled in drama.

Look, I’m 20 years old. I’m turning 21 in November. I had to ask myself, why the fuck am I on vacation with family, working on scholarship essays last-minute, and spending my time in the bathroom on my phone dealing with drama with someone years and years younger who’s slandering me to people whose opinions I shouldn’t give two shits about?

That was a big reality check. Because I wanted vengeance, I did. I wanted so badly to expose someone who was gleaning attention and convincing others and spreading half-truths and ruining people’s lives. But then I realized, you know what? That isn’t my goal in life. My goal in life isn’t to tear people down because they’ve torn others down. It’s so, so difficult. I was angry. I was upset. This person violated all of my principles. And we had the evidence against them, we could have potentially won most people over, and I wanted it not for my sake but for the sake of those they had hurt so much more than they hurt me.

But I couldn’t do it. In the end, I called it off. I backed out. I told people to lay off and let karma do its work. I realized how toxic the situation was, how absurd it was for me to be living on the internet when I’m in one of the most exciting periods of my life. How utterly imbecilic I was acting, getting caught up in so much senseless, meaningless, fruitless drama.

After that, I disengaged further from large social groups. I was already overwhelmed by the amount of people always trying to talk to me, so I had to cut myself off from that. And it feels so. Much. Better.

I’ve become more introverted, really. I work all day, then I write fanfiction and watch Netflix and color in my room by myself and I love it. I have any number of people I could hit up anytime and ask to hang out or video chat. But I don’t feel that push, that obsessive need, to be social all the time. Social media became addicting. I still work on that.

I’ve stayed in touch with real-life friends and done things with them when I had the energy, money, and time. Unfortunately my ex and then long-time guy friend both asked me out, and that was incredibly awkward, and the end of that. The trouble with my school is that there are a lot of dual enrollment students who are like, 16 or 17. Much as I love them, I’ve been thirsting for someone my own age with similar interests who I can hang out with. At the tutoring training I attended, I met someone (a guy, oooh). He’s 21 and we had a really good time together. I’m hoping we can hang out once the semester starts! I also met a girl who’s only 17, but she seems very mature and sweet and I also hope to hang out with her.

Things are good socially. I’m always working on that area of my life (with regards to mental health, mostly) but I’m still going strong. I have moments of loneliness for sure. However, I’m happy with myself and happy with my life. That’s what counts.

Mental health

If 10 is completely flawless and 0 is utter breakdown and 5 is rough, I would say my summer has been a solid 7 or 8. Which is pretty damn good!

Areas I’m working on still:

Body image. My ED voice has been loud this summer. That’s probably the area of most concern to me.

Anxiety. It hasn’t been too bad, but with transitions it usually increases, and I’ve noticed myself being more anxious (free-floating anxiety mostly) and irritable in the past few days.

Worrying way too much about others’ opinions. This pretty much traces to the internet. I mean, before I went on hiatus, I had tens of thousands of people criticizing my every word and move. That takes a toll. Moreover, as a fanfic writer, it’s pretty difficult to post things to the internet without craving comments and kudos and hits. I’ve turned off viewing hits for my own sanity, and taken breathers when I felt like I was getting too hung up on the ‘popularity’ of my fics. I write for myself, because I enjoy it. Not for the attention. I just have to remind myself of that from time to time, and I try not to be competitive. It’s really the numbers that get me - the hits and the kudos. I mean, I compare myself to people in different fandoms, fandoms I don’t even write for. It’s so dumb.

All in all, I’m proud of how I’ve been doing. I do have moments of stress mainly about money, but that’s par for the course. I would say I’ve made a 100% improvement from last summer/year and intend to continue doing so, even in light of the impending stressors.

Other

My new favorite movie is Gifted. Oh my god, I love it so much. I’ve seen it like, 5 times (2 of those were illegally whoops). I’ve been fairly active on Snapchat still - add me there edye327. I don’t really have much else to say, except thank you to people who have bought me things from my wishlist that I couldn’t otherwise afford. I haven’t gotten anything recently, but I just wanted to reiterate my appreciation.

If you’ve read this all the way through, reply with the color of your favorite shirt.

Much love,

Edye

[the7thshepard]

Life update and some introspection. It is long, and it is super personal. You’ve been warned.

(Sorry to my mobile user followers, you might get lambasted with a long post anyway)

If you’re curious enough to snoop through here, sweet. It means that amidst all of my followers who like and reblog the stuff I like and reblog, you probably give a damn? Or you’re just nosy. Either way, thanks for coming. You’ll need to pull up a chair, I’d imagine. It’s gonna get long.

As of right now, I’m spending Thanksgiving day alone. I’m writing this from the dining table of my apartment in California as it rains outside. I’ve received several invites to do things with friends, but so far have accepted none of them. Part of me knows that I will be sad today because of that, but the other part of me just doesn’t have the energy or wherewithal to deal with other people today. Yet, I’m leaving myself open for any opportunity, should it present itself.

This decade has been kind of a wild ride for me. I’ve spent almost all of it in school. I began high school, graduated high school, started college, switched majors around twice, fell in love, came out, got my heart broken, graduated college, worked for seven months, then started graduate school in August. How did a Kansas boy like me end up all the way in California? It’s actually quite the story.

I had decided my second senior year of my undergrad, way back in Spring 2018, that I was just going to finish with a performance degree and just go home and work for the rest of my life. Whatever job I could find, as long as I could keep it and it could bring me stable income, I was going to go home and give up playing the horn. I been so burnt out on school and everything that had happened around me over the course of my undergrad that I had decided it just wasn’t worth it to continue pursuing. I had wrestled with this idea for the longest time and eventually settled on everyone thinking I’m a coward for getting a degree and just disappearing off of the face of the earth. It was the easiest solution.

But something quite unusual and rather miraculous happened.

October 2018, my undergrad horn teacher, one other horn player from my studio, and I all went to Wichita for the MidSouth Horn Workshop. This was nothing terribly huge - I had been to two before - but what became of it was. I ran into my current horn professor, though, at the time he was not teaching me, nor did I have any inclination that he taught private lessons. My undergrad horn prof. and I ran into him earlier in the spring during the same event in Conway, Arkansas (it was hard not to - he was one of the featured artists of the event). He and I spent about 30 minutes talking about horn playing in the exhibition hall, and I was beyond inspired at that point to continue getting better at horn (obviously something changed in the span of 6 months that changed that mentality, but I digress).

I didn’t think I would ever meet him again, if I’m being 100% honest. But we did. We had run into each other in the student union on the Wichita State University campus. He and my then-current horn teacher had struck up a conversation (I think it was something about what he was up to and if he’d like to play with ESU’s jazz band, since he was on his way through that area in the spring semester). Somehow, someway, the conversation got turned onto me.

“What do you think about grad school?” was the question.

Now, you have to understand, this shook me. My plan was to graduate, go home, and give up. I had no further intention of carrying on playing horn or doing music or any of it. Cowardice.

“Uhhhh,” I stammered. I didn’t honestly think I was cut out for grad school. Sure, I eventually wanted to get my doctorate in something, but that was kind of a pipe dream; something so exceptionally unachievable, that I was better off not thinking about it. “I hadn’t.”

Thus, initiated a 20 minute conversation about grad school and how my now-current horn professor wanted to hear me play and, better yet, attend his school. I’m pretty sure I spent the next like 3 hours waffling about it.

The other horn player that was with us (let’s call him B) slapped some sense into me.

“You should do it, it sounds like an incredible opportunity.” B had said something along the lines of this.

“My main concern is money, etc. etc.” I tried to make excuses back.

“Grad school would be perfect for you. All you really have to do is focus on your playing.” My horn professor told me.

“You didn’t come this far, just to come this far.” B said.

(Slight divergence in the story, my mom just called me as I’m typing this and now I’m having to fight back tears. She sounded so concerned that I’m spending Thanksgiving alone right now. Anyway.)

That struck me hard. I didn’t learn horn just to give up after graduating college. I didn’t play horn for close to 13 years only to run away when the opportunity presented itself. I didn’t quit at any point along the way, no matter how stressful or draining, and I shouldn’t quit now. My mind was made up.

I talked to my now-current horn teacher about how I was interested in studying with him, and about his program and what was offered, etc. He wanted to hear me play but was busy that weekend, so I would need to send him some recordings of my playing. I sent him my senior recital that I played later that semester. Over the course of the next 3 to 4 months, I would graduate from college and then spend the rest of my time working while I finished up the graduate studies application to my school. I was accepted into the program, and got some assistanceship money to help out.

The next 7 months were really nothing to note, as far as this journey is concerned. I worked part time at a gas station, played in a terrible non-paying gig, ended up dropping one of my best friends - a story for another time, but overall, I ended up taking a massive break from my horn. My dad thought that I wasn’t practicing enough and that grad school was gonna kick my ass, but so far, that hasn’t completely happened yet.

The day finally comes. I move to California with my dad’s help. As you can imagine, it’s a whirlwind of a day. Flying 5 hours out, getting my stuff moved in, buying groceries, etc. By the end of the day, its time to say goodbye. Dad can’t stay, because he’s got a flight in the morning for some stuff he’s got going on back home. He tried to fight back his tears, as I am almost about to cry myself. The door closed and now I’m bawling. wow that was a lot of mixed tenses, no im not fixing it, and no i do not take criticism, send tweet

At this point, I felt isolated. I’m in a new place where I know no one and I’m by myself. The first person I bump into is the other horn grad student. He stops by to say hi, I apologize for my terrible playing because I haven’t been playing consistently for the past seven months and oh god I’m rambling. It goes how you expect awkward first meetings to go. The next evening, I meet the two seniors in from the horn studio and a senior clarinet player. I never felt so blind sided by questions, and they were all really chatty. Me, being the awkward human being I am stood there, giving minimal answers, and being overwhelmed by questions about literally everything. Holy shit.

I end up bumping into my now-current horn professor on Monday (let’s call him Prof. A) in the bathroom of the music building, again really fucking awkward. Prof. A told me to go to his office while they finish up the faculty meeting downstairs, and that the other grad horn was in there organizing music. Round 2 is not nearly as awkward, thank god. Around 30 minutes later, Prof. A shows back up and treats us both to Chipotle and a lengthy talk about how we have to be the “heavyweight boxers” of the studio (there was an anecdote in there that makes it all make sense, trust me). Again, holy shit.

The rest of the week goes about how you would expect. It is the week before school after all. I spend most of my time practicing. My roommate shows up. I don’t really run into anyone else in the studio for a few days. Though at the end of the week, we have a horn hang, where most of the studio is in attendance. Super awkward at first, but then it opens up. Then, school kicks off, and its all good from there.

But why am I telling you all of this? Well, first of all, kudos for sitting through my life story up to this point. Second, I think this story is key to a lot of introspection that I need to do. And third, I just need to put this all out there, get it off my chest, you know?

Since coming out to California, I have been unimaginably blessed with perhaps the best family of people I could ever want. I have a great teacher who is helping me be better at doing what I love. I’m surrounded by great, fun loving musicians who want to see others succeed and it’s been such a positive experience being out here. I literally cannot imagine what my life would be like had I not seized this opportunity.

I’ll be the first to admit that grad school so far hasn’t totally met my expectations. I thought that I would immediately get better, that I would excel, have a bunch of friends, get better at playing horn, and maybe (selfishly) find a guy. It wasn’t immediate, and looking back, I don’t think it ever could have been. Because the path I’m on takes work and courage to keep going even when the results don’t seem obvious at all. Also, let’s be 100% real, there was no way in hell I was gonna find a guy within like 2-3 weeks of being here. That’s just not realistic lmfao

Since coming here, I’ve grappled with the feelings of inadequacy and sense of not belonging that come with the territory. Initially, I thought that I was never making progress and that I was never gonna be as good as the other grad horn. I wasn’t a good enough horn player. Why was I here? What made me think that I could make it out here? Thoughts like that. They’ve only intensified as the semester went along.

But my friends have proved me wrong.

The only thing that everyone could and would expect of me is to be myself. Whatever that means, whatever that sounds or looks like. I can’t be anyone else other than me, no matter how tempting it is to compare myself to others. I just gotta follow my own path. This was and still is a hard lesson for me to learn. I don’t think I will ever totally understand it, until I can realize that I am good enough as I am now. I am making progress to get better, but I have to be comfortable with where I’m at now for it to be worth it.

The thought of running away from all of this terrifies me, but it’s a real and almost ever present thought I have. I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made. I don’t want to turn my back on my friends. I don’t want to give up crazy socks at concerts, ice cream afterwards, playing in horn choir, horn hangs, or just the general screwing around. My horn people are my family, and I won’t turn my back on them because I’m afraid of not being good enough. They have never had reason to think less of me, so I shouldn’t. Even when I do, I’m thankful that they’re there to help me out of my emotional ruts. As long as I am here surrounded by these fantastic people, I will always be good enough and I will always belong.

I didn’t come this far just to get this far. And I will take it all the way. No matter what it takes, because the people closest to me have given me the courage to make it happen.

So, even though I may end up spending my Thanksgiving alone, I’m not alone. I never have been nor will I ever be. My friends, my family, everyone who’s cheering me on from the sidelines, watching and waiting for me to succeed, they’re all with me, no matter how far away they might be. This is what I’m thankful for.

[jk-snoddy]

“DAMN IT, ICARUS!” Stories of Flying Too Close to the Sun.

Theme: RISK (...but mostly failure)

When I think about the creative risks I’ve taken in the past few years the first thing that comes to mind are the failures. In my eyes, the word “RISK” paints pictures of potential danger, humiliation, and disappointment. It’s like streaking naked across a college campus, in the day, at lunchtime. But it also paints the slim opportunity of being an outlier in that wide margin of likely failure. I faced this predicament when I decided to make my first narrative film in college. It was garbage, it pissed me off every step of the way.

Me and my friends, Denny and Joe, had banded together in the spring of 2012 and decided to start a film production team at our college. We made two mediocre music videos, did video documentation for hire, and thanks to Denny's big mouth telling any and every one that "WE HAVE A COMPANY!" we became known as "those video guys". I don't know where we got the gall to think that we were official in any way, but for some reason, we had our heads puffed up by our third gig. We felt like hot shit.

Fast forward to December 2012, it was near the end of the semester and Denny just kept talking about how he wanted to make this movie he’s had in mind for the past seven months. The idea had to do with a young male coming out of the closet to his father.  He was super gung-ho about shooting it and creating a story about LBGTQ characters. Although I didn’t connect with the story, the last time I made a narrative film was in high school. I felt this urgency to get behind the camera again and direct something that wasn’t a music video or someone's band in a basement. So I figured with a little common writing sense and empathy I could tell this story. So I told him “Fuck it, I’d be down. Let’s make a movie.” On the last day before Christmas break, I was called in for a production meeting in the school atrium. Before I could even blink, Denny had arranged a small quasi-core production team consisting of a screenwriter, David (who eventually became one of our main actors), our sound guy, Mitchell, and Georgina, our production assistant, Denny who acted as producer, and me as the director. Joe went MIA before the production began. Before the end of that day, I was sent a potential draft of the “screenplay” David had written. The ball was starting to roll a little bit faster than I was used to; this wasn’t all talk anymore. But I had to keep up. Don’t even get me started on the title the producer had in mind.

January was dedicated to editing the script that was written in less than a week. For some stupid reason, I decided to take part in some of the writing duties. For the entire month, I had my stale revisions shat upon by the team who would constantly go back and forth on what it should be and what it shouldn’t. February came and we were casting for each role, finding a cinematographer, setting up our Kickstarter page (we didn’t reach our goal), and trying to deal with our own classes/lives which were crumbling right at our feet due to mounting stress.  March arrived. The semester was halfway done; my personal work and my grades were suffering. The cast was finalized, and we were set to shoot during the week of spring break. I felt nothing but tension as the first shooting day drew closer. I didn’t have a decent night’s sleep since January. We reserved every Canon MK II and light kit that the film/animation department had to offer, along with sound equipment, batteries, and CF and SD cards. We had to keep track of all of this stuff. Every employee at my school’s equipment stockroom loathed us.

The first day of spring break arrived, principal photography was a complete nightmare. We had the police called on us for shooting near a restaurant, that wasn’t even on screen. It turns out that you can’t trust a fine art photographer to do the job of an actual cinematographer just because the camera has a video button. It was the first time I ever had to fire someone. The first week passed and we were missing so many scenes, the production dragged on for the remainder of March into April. After the first week, we lost our half of our core team. Our sound guy, Mitchell, was a Berklee student at the time and had to focus on finals (along with arranging our score and doing ADR). Our PA had to continue her own classes and studio work. We were down to a skeleton crew and we had to recruit our other friends who were willing to help out. Because we were using school equipment at the time, we had to keep checking out (and extending, and returning) cameras, lighting, and sound gear constantly. Everyone at the stockroom wanted to kill me.

Because we didn’t have a budget, we poured our non-existent cash into coffee and donuts for every set. Turns out you can’t expect an entire cast and crew to run off of Boston cremes. Nor can a 20-year-old subsist on junk food for a month straight and be a good communicator and college student. My diet for the majority of the semester consisted of Dunkin Donuts, black coffee, vending machine pastries, and Adderall. 

(There are only plain donuts left.)

This film was no longer a labor of love and enthusiasm, but a chore. We started off cock-sure of our abilities to make this movie, but the moment we got started we were hit with reality. Each day brought a new plateau of pressure and it was far too late to back out.

Being on set wasn’t an exclusively negative experience. Each day of shooting was a healthy learning experience that helped us understand what it takes to be a make a film. I was learning how to effectively express my needs to the performers and how to really direct a story through enforcing subtle undertones to their roles. Directing for me was becoming an intuitive process that became easier to tap into. Because we let our cinematographer go I took on the role of DP myself. It was rewarding because I was able to achieve the shots I was trying to capture in terms of the look and feel. It was hard, but it felt better shooting it than trying to relay shot ideas to someone who was always in their own head. But figuring out how to properly light a scene was more experimental, which meant using more time on set figuring out the composition. We powered through the month of April to get the final pick up shots that we needed and we completely wrapped by the end of the month.

As soon as the school year ended we were trying to set a hard deadline for the final cut before the screening date. FUN FACT: just because your producer is enthusiastic about being an editor, doesn’t give them the chops to actually cut together a movie. We screened the “final” cut to all of our friends, classmates, crew members, actors, and co-workers at the Fenway Health Clinic screening room. It was the biggest disappointment I ever had to sit and watch. There was audio out of sync, a lot of areas where my experimental cinematography style justed looked tacky and wrong, the stale writing was really prominent. It was a shit-show. Most of my classmates, friends, and other creative contemporaries had to sit through that film and I knew that they felt embarrassed for me. From the time that I saw the first rough cut, I knew that it wasn’t going to be the best thing ever. I was honestly hoping Denny could’ve made my stale shooting into something palatable, I was wrong.

The director is supposed to be the calm face of the production. Every day I brought my anxieties, neuroses, and vulnerabilities with me on set. My fragile ego at the time couldn’t handle outside ideas and criticisms from my producer (or anyone on set) because I felt I was CONSTANTLY RIGHT. The fear of not knowing what I was doing balanced the sting of being told I was wrong. I was like an open nerve of my own exposing. To this day I still think about this project and how I handled myself with the crew and actors. I was struggling to manage as a leader alongside everyone else’s opinion and hurrying the fuck up.  A bad day on set is pretty discouraging. But three bad days in a row, including class the very next day, then more filming immediately after, was like shooting my motivation in the face in broad daylight. 

It’s been a while since I made something of that scope. Mostly fearing to make the same mistakes I made the last time. But the fear of failure will never justify your losses when you never continued moving onward. That’s a big failing on my part as an artist and storyteller. Virgil Abloh (Founder of Off-White, Creative Director at DONDA, friends with Kanye West) said “Find the domino effect. Create the project that’s latent with intention and see what comes after it”. This slightly justifies the artistic risk in making bad work, learning from it, and continuing forward. Looking back, all I did was think about this project and see it as a critical failure on my end as a storyteller. When what I really should've done is embraced it as a part of the process. All this time I hated myself for how it came out, that I forgot that we, a group of early 20 something's, actually had the audacity to finish an entire movie.

I could go on and on about how the resources were bogus, or the lack of money and manpower held us down. But it’s inaccurate. There was no amount of cash or gear that could’ve saved us from ourselves. We took on way more than we should’ve, didn’t plan each step well, and we failed as a result. I think about the unnecessary urgency we had put on ourselves to get this film made instead of slowing down and using the standard process. The heartbreaking part was the toll it took on my personal relationships with everyone in the project. I wouldn’t have guessed how much the tension would fracture my friendships. If I ever get the chance to make a movie soon (god willing) I’ll walk onto the project with my battle scars from the last time. I’ll use paranoid due diligence to make sure I'm not creating a product that I'll look back onto 8 years and cringe about its inception.