rusticcottage

[rusticcottage]

QK - Day Eight

Pros

Canker sores mainly diminished

Enough energy to put on makeup and do my hair

Made a homemade dinner last night

Cleaned the house

Did laundry

Picked up groceries for Valentine's Day

Ability to laugh a lot and crack jokes

Holding my bf feels different, more present of him

Very emotional, quicker to be brought to tears

Getting 8 hours of sleep without medication

No RLS

No muscle aches or chills anymore

Cravings down to a few times a day, never lasting more than 15 mins per time

Music hits differently

Feel more aware

Social anxiety and daily anxiety levels are much lower

Cons

Hard to focus on work

No real motivation to do anything

Feel empty inside

Worry I will never feel "normal" again

Sensitive to cold weather

[rusticcottage]

QK - Day Six

Positives

Can focus on work again; projects, emails, meetings.

Music sounds good

Food tastes better

I've cried so much, and allowed myself to heal through my tears. I used to fear crying, but now I see it as a tool to express and move on

My boyfriend has been phenomenal with support. He's understood and encouraged me to get through this

Muscle and body aches are gone

Feverish chills are gone

Appetite is coming back

Laughing more

Waking up with so much more energy! Like I am ready to get out of bed

Was able to sleep last night without any medication aids

Mental clarity/energy is probably at 80% now

Negatives

Craving K throughout periods of the day. Miss the rush of the first dose. The false sense of relief that only lasts for like 15 minutes, then all I am left with is chasing the dragon and all the shit addictive side effects

Canker sores all along my bottom inner lip; they sting and burn and ache so damn bad. Worst pain ever. Making eating hard for me

Mental focus and energy not at 100% yet

I'm kind of feeling naked ... exposed, empty? I've tried to fill it with kambucha, energy drinks, electrolytes

The cold just feels so damn cold on my body. I hate the sensation of being cold and just how overly stimulated I feel about it

[rusticcottage]

QK - Day Three

Dude, today is a mixed bag.

Positives today

Woke up without the typical grogginess that accompanied my habit

Looked forward to caffiene

Listened to music and sang along, got goosebumps

Walked 1.2 miles with my dogs in the AM

Did a one hour hot yoga class in public and survived

Ate a banana for breakfast, and a sandwich for lunch

Been on top of my water intake

Was able to get out of the house 3x today

Cravings are tolerable; in the background more today, but they can go f themselves

Thought about my childhood and the family I was given and felt sad, let myself cry, then moved on. Did not run away or try to mask

Binged on SWU youtube videos to see that my WD and my life is not the worst out there - there are people who've survived worse and recovered from harder substances than me. Everyone says sobriety > addiction

Being in yoga today brought tears to my eyes; was so proud of myself. Haven't done that in over a year, maybe 1.5 years

Put a load of laundry in

Struggles today

Lack of "happy" feelings

Slow to move around

Hard to focus on tasks

House is untidy and I get tired when I try to clean up after myself

Hard to read a book

Hard to journal for too long

Checking my phone frequently, like I am just looking for something and IDK what it is I am seeking

Worried I will never feel joy again

Looked at nature, sunset and did not feel anything

Dogs annoyed me

Sores inside of my mouth; tender to touch, inflammed lips. Chapstick application hurts my lips

Not feeling productive and getting sick of it. I want to get shit done again, come on

All in all, I am feeling my best since quitting today. Feverish chills, lethargy, and muscle aches and pains are minimal compared to the last two nights. Got 8.5 hour of sleep in. Doing my best to stay focused on the progress today versus day before, versus day one. I did this to myself and this is what it takes to get off this shit. Never again will I let an addiction get the best of me like this, in fact all of the suffering teaches me what damage this trash did to my body and how my body is doing its best to bounce back from all the substance abuse I subjected it to.

[rusticcottage]

[rusticcottage]

[rusticcottage]

Quitting Kratom - Day Two

It's important to seek out the positive in this experience. I want to start off with the pros of day two:

Most energetic I've ever been in the last two years waking up in the morning

Looked forward to coffee and cream

More social and relaxed during work meetings; mental exhaustion helps me not work up the anxiety before the meetings

Took a shower

Walked my dogs for half an hour

Drove my dogs and me around the neighborhoods for 40 minutes to change the scene

Made an egg sandwich for myself around noon

Been increasing my water intake today compared to yesterday

Took a gummy to help reduce muscle aches and it helps

Laughed at the goofiness of my puppy

Music sounded better and made me emotional

Had a good cry even though it lasted 15 seconds

Feeling better than yesterday

Now, it's time for the negatives of today

Again, lost focus on work in the afternoon

Binging TV because it's too painful to stand for too long of time, so it feels

Muscle aches

Dealt with feverish body temps on the cold side

Unable to find motivation to work out, or focus on work, or clean/tidy up. My house is less tidy than I prefer it to be

Sore mouth. Keep biting inside of my mouth, tongue, and even my lips now. Dry mouth sensation

With this being day number two, I am hopefully it gets better tomorrow. I'd love to do yoga and walk my dogs on a nice local hike. I'd like to tidy up my home and do some more self care. But idk, we will see how I feel tomorrow.

I am getting cravings, thoughts that tell me "take a dose, to help with the WD." But guess what, the WD is all thanks to this insidious plant, so it can go f itself. IWNTKT.

[rusticcottage]

Quitting Kratom - Day One

Woke up with the same brain fog as I've experienced in the last year, since I used the day before. Already withdrawing and needing to dose. This time, though, I went for the coffee pot and chugged it down. Followed that with prescription meds.

No anxiety, but also no concentration in the morning. Around 11 am I started to feel small traces of disassociation from my body, kind of like the feeling you have when you're battling a flu or cold pathogen. Very sore and kind of feverish.

Around Noon, I stopped working. Truly could not sit still in my office chair and focus on the content. Felt very irritable sitting there, so I migrated over to the couch and put on a show.

I decided to walk the dogs for 30 mins about 1.5 hours later. Took another pill.

I came back to my couch and had the The Mick playing in the background, and also debating whether to take a gummy or not. I end up taking a gummy and it kicked in 30 mins later - now I am feeling anxious. Nice work.

I haven't pooped all day and had only two chocolate cookies. I barely drank any water. I feel pretty weak and a loss of appetite. The cravings started to come online around 11 am, but I dove into the subreddit and talked myself out of breaking my desire to end this dependency.

I forced lasagna down my throat and headed to bed around 730 pm to scroll on my phone, surrounded by my dogs.

Fell asleep around 1030 pm. No RLS or insomnia, thanks to prescription meds.

[rusticcottage]

Reasons for Quitting K

Want to feel joy and happiness again

Want to feel like a conscious human

Want to cry again

Want to enjoy music again

Want to meditate again

Want to get back into yoga and pilates

Want to find awe in nature

Remember memories

Stop numbing my daily experiences

Stop postponing my anxious feelings

Face my fear in life head-on

Reduce the anxiety

Stop gut inflammation

Get back into regular hikes

Have motivation to read and write

Restore my biotin health

Stop waking up in WD and exhausted

Stop going to bed exhausted

Stop mixing drinks multiple times in a day

Stop planning my life around a substance

Stop hiding the green sludge from society

Stop dosing in public bathrooms, my car, and in secrecy

Stop being so dependent on such a messy substance

The high lasts for 5-15 minutes, one time a day. Then I'm just chasing the dragon for the rest of the day

Removing nausea from my daily experience

Can't be on this forever - eventually need to quit. Why not now?

[rusticcottage]

[rusticcottage]

Franz Kafka, 1912

[rusticcottage]

quitting kratom

1 - 1.5 year, 20-30gpd daily habit

Tomorrow, I’m waking up and not dosing. I’m quitting Kratom after a year long use cycle. It served its purpose in my life, helped me get through one of the hardest times of my life and I’m thankful for it. However, I am done. It’s no longer needed and I want to feel alive again.

[rusticcottage]

[rusticcottage]

[rusticcottage]

autumn dusk

[rusticcottage]

Mountain Dew Commercial Disguised as a Love Poem

-Matthew Olzmann

So here’s what I’ve got, the reasons why our marriage might work: Because you wear pink but write poems about bullets and gravestones. Because you yell at your keys when you lose them, and laugh, loudly, at your own jokes. Because you can hold a pistol, gut a pig. Because you memorize songs, even commercials from thirty years back and sing them when vacuuming. You have soft hands. Because when we moved, the contents of what you packed were written inside the boxes. Because you think swans are overrated and kind of stupid. Because you drove me to the train station. You drove me to Minneapolis. You drove me to Providence. Because you underline everything you read, and circle the things you think are important, and put stars next to the things you think I should think are important, and write notes in the margins about all the people you’re mad at and my name almost never appears there. Because you made that pork recipe you found in the Frida Kahlo Cookbook. Because when you read that essay about Rilke, you underlined the whole thing except the part where Rilke says love means to deny the self and to be consumed in flames. Because when the lights are off, the curtains drawn, and an additional sheet is nailed over the windows, you still believe someone outside can see you. And one day five summers ago, when you couldn’t put gas in your car, when your fridge was so empty—not even leftovers or condiments— there was a single twenty-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew, which you paid for with your last damn dime because you once overheard me say that I liked it.

[rusticcottage]

[rusticcottage]

moonlit daydream