#homura trying to save madoka over and over again but nothing works cause she dies in every timeline

[clover-46]

NOW THAT ITS OUT FOR EVERYONE—

BLAKE BEING A SEER THEORIES WERE RIGHT OMG 😭😭. AND HE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE CULT THE DUDE IS JUST USING THEM I WOULDNT HAVE SEEN THIS COMING FROM A MILE AWAY. I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS STUPID AND CRAZY NOT SMART AND CRAZY?? also him going bonkers over trying to save his friend but no matter what he does it’s always the same outcome makes sense on why he’s so obsessive. i mean he’s probably always been obsessive but i feel like bestie dying in every timeline made it worse? also we don’t know how long he’s been trying to save them sooooo… btw isn’t it so obvious he’s the reason they’ll die like it’s staring at him right in the face. my theory is that he makes this deal (?) with the sovereigns and the price brachium was talking about will get bestie killed.

[piduai]

homura starting off as a regular goody two shoes and then selling her soul in order to save her friend and failing, and then failing again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until she's motivated by nothing but despair, her psyche damaged beyond repair after failing to save madoka over and over again, no matter what she does.

jaime spending his entire life smeared by the act of killing his king whom he vowed to protect, who should have been regarded as a god; him as an individual being lost behind his title as a kingslayer. all because he tried to do good. he tried to save a city from the evil that was supposed to protect it, and killing said evil was the most noble thing he has done in his life. and yet it was the good act that dishonored him and branded him as a crook.

levi choosing to let erwin go. he loved erwin with his whole heart. he sacrificed that heart for him. he believed in erwin, and wanted to stand by his side until the end of time. but in the end he chose to kill him, because he knew that, if given a second chance at life, erwin would be burdened with even more responsibility than before, and that the ghosts of those who died at his command would haunt him, and his own otherworldly ambition would crush him. he didn't want to see erwin suffer in this terrible, cruel, senseless world anymore. so he gave up his life.

dae-su being driven to find the one who wronged him and enact revenge only to find out that it was him whom revenge was enacted on, being told that he talks too much and that that's what caused all the suffering for him and his family, and cutting his own tongue off. see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. woo-jin going through with his revenge as a sentimental tribute to his dead sister, only to accept that it will not bring her back, that he was the one who couldn't save her, and killing himself because he has nothing else to live for.

griffith consciously ruining his own life with his own hands after guts left him and being unable to internally take responsibility for it. he loved guts. guts took everything away. he was supposed to be bigger than life, reach incredible highs, be rewarded for his suffering and struggle, but guts came along and tore him down from his self-imposed pedestal, making him just a person, and then guts left. it doesn't matter that he eventually came back. griffith tried to warn guts - if you touch me now, i will never be able to forgive you. and so he did. and so he decided to kill the part of his soul that earns for guts by killing him.

atsuko endlessly chasing michiko, being lost in her shadow, trying to grab onto her as she slips between her fingers like dry sand, never good enough to be her equal or to receive her love. everything in the universe suggested that she should have had the upper hand, but she never did. she hates michiko, she yearns for michiko, she wants to save her and she wants to destroy her, and in the end, after finally catching her, atsuko lets michiko go, knowing that they will never meet again.

tsurumi spending half of his life dedicating himself to a cause, elevating himself above mere mortality and aligning himself with the regime, all while carrying his little grief in his heart pocket. by all means he should have put it behind him many years ago, and his refusal to do so was a self-admitted failure as an intelligence officer, but he chose to live with this tiny speck of sentimentality anyway. and then he hasn't hesitated for even a second to throw his mementos away in order to preserve his ambition.

shuurei was always hard-working and practical, and she valued chances of getting ahead in life much more than matters of love. but she loved sakujun. she knew that he's no good for her; that she's merely a toy for him he will discard as soon he gets bored or it breaks, that he doesn't see her as a person, that he doesn't care about her goals or about making her happy. this is why, when faced with a decision, she chooses ryuki, whom she didn't love but whom could give her what she wants, over sakujun. and then she kills him. and after he is gone for good, she cries for him.

[magireco]

Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!! 

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc... 

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka... 

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation. 

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them. 

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

[altairattorney]

In response to your little rant about Homura's depiction in Rebellion, here's this.

"The end of Rebellion is... controversial, but let's unpack what happened here. What occurred?

Well, firstly, Homura was traumatized and tortured; the Homura at the end of Rebellion is not the Homura of PMAS; she's gone through trauma and loss that PMAS!Homura can't even conceive of. She literally turned into a fucking witch because Kyubey gaslit her into thinking she made up Madoka Kaname, according to Wraith Arc.

Then, during this process, she learns two important facts that fucks her worldview: 1) Madoka didn't want to leave her loved ones and give up her normal life if she had any other alternative, and 2) Kyubey is trying to destroy the Law of Cycles (that is, Madoka Kaname), and has figured out a means of stopping her from interacting with Magical Girls under controlled lab conditions, meaning they could eventually succeed in their objective.

That means if Homura let herself go into the Law of Cycles, she would be unable to protect Madoka, and the Incubators would eventually destroy her. Madoka will have been erased and forgotten with nothing to show for it. Homura could only cope with everything with the promise of being reunited with her and the solace that Madoka's sacrifice was worth it, and Kyubey took that away from her.

And, more importantly: Homura's wish had yet to come true. Homura's wish wasn't to be with Madoka, or to save the world. It was to protect Madoka. To be the one to protect her.

To put it in other terms, Homura was self-loathing to the point of suicide-ideation because she was worthless, good for nothing, a burden on everyone. That she should just die. Madoka saw worth in her, and tried to change that, but Madoka died.

Only one person in her entire life ever told Homura she was happy to have met her and this wonderful, kind, happy, heroic, courageous, beautiful, miracle of a person who walked into her life to tell her those words died.

DIED. FOR. HER.

Died to protect her. Died so that a worthless piece of SHIT like herself could live. Someone who had EVERYTHING in the world died with a smile to protect someone who didn't even want to. Not without her.

Not instead of her.

She was good for nothing before and now her mere existence caused the best person she'd ever known to die. She ruined Madoka's entire life by having been a part of it.

She has to fix it. She has the chance to.

She wishes, wishes, WISHES to go back, to unfuck this, to undo this, to be cool like Madoka said she could have been. To protect her. To be her shield. To be WORTH something because she protected something valuble. To pay her back for all her kindness like she'd never been able to do and finally, finally in her life, have done something that justifies everything else.

She didn't wish for Madoka to live. She didn't wish for her to be saved. She wished to be the one to save her so she could support her and reinvent herself as someone who isn't a garbage shit person.

And every single time, she fails.

No matter what she does. No matter how she compromises herself. No matter what disgusting sins she does (and she never crosses so many lines that she says she WOULD cross). Madoka keeps dying.

And most of those times. She dies for Homura. She dies, again, for Homura. She dies again and again and again and again in order to help Homura.

Until the very last time, she wishes to save Homura (and everyone else), so much that she never existed at all.

Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT. DAMMIT. This is worse this is WORSE THIS IS WORRRRSE!

But she still tries to cope. Madoka's in heaven. She's saving everyone. Madoka had a smile. The world is BETTER, and she'll see her again.

Until the above happened. And Kyubey is going to destroy Madoka Kaname. She won't have ever been born and she won't even be saving Magical Girls. She'll truly be nothing.

Because she came to save Homura, fucking AGAIN.

And all this time she still never saved her. Never ONCE saved her. Not a single time has she ever, ever, EVER fucking saved her. Not ever, has she ever saved her, not even when Madoka made her final fucking wish.

Homura made a wish that never came true. So she never stopped being Good for Nothing. She has never made up for Madoka's kindness. She has never, emotionally, left that moment where she sobbed over Madoka's dead corpse in the water and the rain. And she's done that so many fucking times.

So that's her mindset. So when she saw the chance. She took it. If you can interact with Madoka, you can effect Madoka. So.

God dammit. Fucking for once. Fucking finally. This time, her last chance she'll EVER HAVE... she will save her.

Save Madoka Kaname. Not a vague concept. Not a hero. Not a law or a god. Not a cosmic idea. Madoka. KANAME. The person who smiled at her and said she was cool. The person who helped her buy a cellphone. The kind, wonderful person who loved and named a stray cat and pressed her face to hers and laughed and congratulated her for her accomplishments. The person who said that meeting Homura was her happiest memory.

Why can't this person, of all people, be happy? All Madoka Kaname wanted was to live her fucking life. With her family. With her friends and classmates. Living her day to day life which wasn't anything special but it was so special to her.

She WILL save her. Goddammit, she failed so many times because she always kept holding herself back but if this is her last chance then GODDAMMIT fuck it all, damn herself too.

She never cared, really, about being with Madoka. She was willing to die for her. She explicitly had plans to leave the town to Kyouko after Walpurgisnacht and LEAVE (probably to kill herself so her Witch didn't come for Madoka). She was going to die for her in Rebellion so that she'd be safe from the Incubators.

If she could save her, if she can finally succeed and protect that human smile living her human life, it's fine if Homura Akemi isn't a part of it. If Madoka can smile, she doesn't have to smile at her anymore. That's PERFECTLY FINE.

So she did it. She stole a piece of the Law of Cycles. Not a big piece. Not the Law, or the Power, or the Salvation. The Law of Cycles still functions in some sense, because there's still no Witches, there's still Wraiths, there's still Angels.

She stole "Madoka Kaname", the human being that the Goddess used to be. She stole her, yes. She took over the universe, yes. But what did she do?

She made it so Madoka Kaname existed, again. Reunited with everyone she cared about. She gave Kyouko, Mami, Sayaka, and everyone else the happiest lives she could give them without undoing their pasts (disrespecting their agency and core selves), even if it was only to keep Madoka happy in her silver garden.

She tortures Kyubey but no one's crying tears over that fucker. She seems to be letting the world run its course as naturally as possible, save for suppressing people's memories of what's really going on.

Sayaka, alive. Nagisa, alive. Living with Kyouko and Mami respectively. Madoka, alive.

Hell, the only change she made that we know of to Madoka's memories is three years in America.

Because, canonically, English is Madoka's worst subject.

And now, she's great at it.

No matter what it takes. Madoka Kaname will be happy. She deserves it. And Homura will make that happen, even if she, herself, never is.

But yeah go off about how Homura is a yandere stalker who likes to kill people."

Hey there! I thank you for your post and your insight, and I wanted to clarify that I don't disagree at all with this view of Rebellion and how it ended. I think it is all correct, actually. The problem I have with it is 1. Rebellion existing at all, and 2. the way they portrayed her choice as an act of evil conceived by a demon.

To begin with, there are a few details that I don't think really make sense considering how pmmm worked. Homura shouldn't even be a witch, first of all. Secondly, even though she cannot know for sure, I don't think Homura would have willingly told Kyubey about the world of before if there were any danger. Heck, I don't even understand how Kyubey could possibly have stolen Madoka, now that she is not an entity but a literal concept, a rule of the universe. Imo that is beyond absurd. Third, I am doubtful Homura would have gone against Madoka's wish, even though I totally understand why she did in the context of Rebellion.

The problem I have with Homura is that people thought about her as a yandere emotionless stalker who has an unhealthy obsession with Madoka even before Rebellion existed. That was a popular sentiment, and the big, big problem I have with this film is that while what she did isn't inherently bad or wrong - as you explained - the movie paints her as a LITERAL DEMON in the moment she makes that choice, and ALSO at the exact same time she declares her love canonically. That is so fucked up in so so so many ways. As not literal it may be, they gave her that creepy smile, and show that Madoka is confused in her new bubble and feels like she is someone else but can't remember why. And Homura brushes it off. As wonderful as it is that she is there, Madoka is uncomfortable, Sayaka is obviously enraged and Homura plays the part of the Evil Character.

This is just all so unfair and so wrong. It doesn't only negate the way this anime ended - and of course Homura deserved to go with peace and quiet like everyone else. No magical girl has to ever suffer like that again, including Madoka, right? (There were so many ways to reunite her with Madoka, but no.) It also visibly paints Homura as being on the dark side, and validates the horrific lens people saw her character through even before the film. It canonizes her as a lesbian in the same moment she is doing something clearly framed as wrong, and, on a surface level, reinforces her obsession. This is just a textbook predatory lesbian trope. I am sorry if you don't see it the same way, but it is just horrific to me.

I will never agree with Rebellion existing. I cannot stand the ending of this anime being undone and Homura being punched in the face and further tortured both in universe and as a character, after all the crap she went through. It is just disrespectful.

And as I said, she deserved better.

[takerfoxx]

Coming to Terms with Homura Akemi, My (Formerly) Least Favorite PMMM Character

Or, How I Learned to Stop Whinging and Love the Emo Meguca!

I have a…complicated history with my favorite anime’s main character (and yes, Homura is the main character. Madoka might be the title character and the show’s POV protagonist, but like most things in this series, that was a clever ruse, and it’s really more about Homura’s journey than Madoka’s). The first time I watched the show, I walked away feeling kind of ambivalent toward her, even mildly hostile. And that’s weird, right? I mean, just look at her! Look how her character arc plays out! She was practically grown in a lab to be my favorite! And you know what? In pretty much any other series she would have been my favorite, no doubt. She would have been a first pick Fav of the Day, the starring character in whatever fanfic I wrote about it, etc. But since the show she premiered in is anything but traditional, the way I eventually came to love each character turned out to be a little…unorthodox.

Now, I’ve gone over most of this before, so sing along if you know the words. My first time watching Puella Magi Madoka Magica went a little something like this:

Episode 1: Blue funny, Pink cute, Yellow badass, Purple mysterious.

Episode 2: Blue favorite, Pink alright, Yellow probably evil, Purple mysterious.

Episode 3: Yellow’s not evil after all, and now is the dead. My bad.

Episode 4: Pink getting all fucked up, SOMEONE SAVE BLUE!

Episode 5: Hate Red for attacking Blue. Kick her ass, Purple!

Episode 6: Still hate Red.

Episode 7: FUCK YOU, BUNNYCAT! Red’s not so bad after all. But someone save Blue!

Episode 8: Aw, hell no, Purple! You don’t threaten Blue like that! You go, Red! You’re pretty cool after…oh shit. BLUE, NO!

Episode 9: GO RED! GO PINK! SAVE BLUE! YOU CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN…no.

Episode 10-12: Stuff is still happening with the plot, but I no longer care. My heart has been shattered, all light has gone from the world. My babies are gone. If only they had more time together, if only there was someplace they could reunite, really get to know one another, and go on adventures together…huh.

So yeah, that’s the story of how I fully got on board the KyoSaya train. Obviously, writing Resonance Days only solidified that, and coming across A Happy Dream by angel0wonder, AKA the potato lady AKA @smxmuffinpeddling (wazzup?!?!), pretty much cemented it as my top reigning OTP.

Now, obviously I got invested in the whole story as time went by. Subsequent rewatchings of the show, mainly through convincing people to watch it blind so I can laugh at them when they get to certain scenes (don’t hate, y’all did it too!) and taking part in online discussions really got me into the show as a whole instead of just being confined in my little KyoSaya bubble. But coming to love the other characters for their own merits took some time.

Mami was next. I’ll be honest, I just didn’t care all that much for her during my first watching, mainly due to believing that she would turn out to be evil for the first couple of episodes (I blame Disney and their recent trend of turning almost every kindly mentor/confidante figure into the bad guy lately), and me being more surprised that I was wrong when she died instead of being shocked that she was killed. Again, had nothing against her, that was just my reaction the first time around. However, she was included in Resonance Days because it felt like the logical thing to do, and she turned out to be so much fun to write for that I really came to love and care for her character in general, and her relationship with Charlotte ended up becoming one of my favorite parts of that story.

Madoka honestly took more time. I think the main reason I wasn’t all that invested in her is that she was pretty passive in the series proper while my attention was more on the more proactive side characters. And again, this wasn’t a bad thing! In fact, it was a clever bit of deliberate storytelling, as it’s revealed that she originally was a proactive main-character type, only to unintentionally get relegated to her observer role by the butterfly effect caused by Homura’s time loops. But anyway, the thing that made me turn the corner on Madoka actually also ended up being fanfiction, but not one of my own. Specifically, I came across a popular, yet also somewhat controversial, fic called Persephone’s Waltz (and wazzup, @erinptah!), in which Homura decides to just stop beating around the bush and lock Madoka up in a basement until Walpurgisnacht had passed. And as weird as it sounds, making Madoka a prisoner actually gave her more agency, as the fic really went into detail about the psychological effects of being a kidnapping victim, from the strange rituals to the escape attempts to coping strategies to Stockholm Syndrome to bouts of depression and so on and so forth, all the while never deviating from her core character. It really got me rooting for Madoka and, by extension, invested in her character in canon as well.

That just left Homura.

By then, I had gotten over being a little sore at her for trying to kill Sayaka that one time, and I was interested in where her actions would take the plot. I just wasn’t interested in her, per se, as I hadn’t had an icebreaker moment like I had with the other characters.

And then The Rebellion Story happened.

The Rebellion Story: PMMM’s End of Evangelion

Puella Magi Madoka Magica is often compared its nearly two decade-old predecessor, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and not without reason. Like Evangelion, it took a genre mainly known to be fun and kid-friendly (giant mechs for Evangelion and magical girls for PMMM) and turned it on its head, resulting in a brutal and twisted deconstruction that would end up altering the direction that genre would take for years to come. The key difference is that Evangelion’s brilliance was in many ways an accident, with the bizarre places it went being largely informed both by its troubled production and its showrunner’s personal demons staying bottled up through the early part of the show but letting them loose later on, whereas PMMM was meticulously constructed from top to bottom to become the hand-grenade to the genre that it would become. But in the end, the effects were the same. They even both had a follow-up movie that was not originally supposed to happen that ended up being highly divisive among fans due to the shots they took at the fandom that had sprung up around the original series, even if The Rebellion Story wasn’t nearly as spiteful as End of Evangelion was.

Now, I’ve already gone into at length about how PMMM brutally dissects and deconstructs the Magical Girl genre, and it did it so thoroughly that the genre itself was totally wrenched in a new direction, much like Evangelion did to the Giant Mecha genre. But after you’ve completely taken apart the genre in your first season, where exactly do you go? How do you continue when your work is seemingly done?

The answer: deconstruct yourself.

Much as Puella Magi Madoka Magica went after the Magical Girl genre, The Rebellion Story went after the fandom that had sprung up in the original show’s wake. The first third of the movie gives the fans what they claimed they wanted: a traditional Magical Girl reimagining of PMMM where everyone is alive and working together, everyone is mentally and emotionally healthy, the two fan-favorite ships are just a kiss away from being canon, Kyubey is now a cute and silent mascot that helps out instead constantly manipulating everyone around him, and even the most popular witch is back as a benevolent secondary mascot in a happy friendship with the character she had killed. We see Madoka and the Moemura version of Homura being adorable together, we see Kyoko and Sayaka goofing off, we see Mami cuddling with Charlotte with nary a head-chomp in sight, we see everyone being just being friends and protecting the city from weird but essentially non-threatening monsters. It is basically the summation of a hundred fanfics that had been posted between the end of the show and the release of the movie.

But this is still PMMM, and something is not quite right.

We all know what happens next. Homura starts subconsciously noticing that something is off, she gradually becomes Terminator Homura as she investigates the situation and regains her memories, and the perfect happy world is exposed for the farce that it is. Things collapse, and the truth is revealed: Homura had become a witch that had been trapped inside her own soul gem, those close to her had been lured in to complete the illusion, and of course it is all Kyubey’s fault. Because this is PMMM, and Homura doesn’t get to be happy.

But the movie doesn’t stop with that reveal. Once we learn the truth, it changes targets. It stops deconstructing the fans, and instead goes after something else.

It starts to deconstruct Homura Akemi, its own main character.

Despite her promise to continue fighting on in Madoka’s name to protect the slightly more kind world her beloved had created, Homura had found herself unable to cope without Madoka. Her mission had failed, and without that stabilizing force, despair had slowly crept in, corrupting her from within, to the point where (I believe at least) she had been fighting not to honor Madoka, but in hopes that she would fall in battle and be carried off by her goddess. She had been fighting not in hopes of building a better world, but as a way to seek release from her pain. She had been miserable in Madoka’s new world, even moreso than she had been during her time loops.

And because she had been foolish enough to tell the truth to Kyubey, the little rat had taken the opportunity to use her to set a trap. Madoka had been pulled out of Heaven right into the Incubators’ clutches, and it was all her fault.

Is it any wonder that she had been unwilling to accept Madoka’s salvation during the climatic battle? Is it any wonder that her own labyrinth had featured her own familiars dragging her away to her own execution? Homura hated herself. She hated what she had become, she hated what she had allowed to happen, she hated that she had failed so utterly and completely.

In fact, I’d say that this movie shows something about Homura that I don’t think a lot of people will appreciate me pointing out, and that is as much as Homura was single-mindedly devoted to Madoka, she never really came to know her. I mean, how could she? She only knew Madoka over the course of a few of a few infatuated weeks the first time around, which she then repeated over and over and over again, becoming increasingly traumatized over time. I don’t doubt that her devotion to Madoka is real, but The Rebellion Story does seem to suggest that after a while she was fixated on Madoka as an ideal rather than Madoka as an actual person, something to be protected and possessed rather than as a living, breathing person with her own autonomy.

Now, am I saying that Homura is a bad person and that anyone who felt inspired by her resilience and devotion is wrong? Of course not. Am I saying that anyone that ships MadoHomu is bad, promoting toxic relationships, etc.? Hell no! What I’m saying is that due to everything she’s been forced to endure and fight again, she is a very mentally unhealthy individual, one who is in desperate need of help. And if an actual relationship between her and Madoka is going to realistically work, well, first something  drastic will have to happen to upset her new system and give Madoka her power back, but Homura is also going to need tons of therapy.

As I said before, Homura’s decision to rip Madoka out of the Law of Cycles and turn herself into Homucifer has been pretty controversial, with many people claiming that it betrayed her characterization. To those people, I would say that they never really knew the real Homura Akemi. The show set up an idealized version of Homura, and people had that ideal imprinted in their mind. And I can’t really blame them for that. The show ended on a big, optimistic moment with Homura making a big speech about how she was going to keep fighting in Madoka’s name. It’s all very stirring, and I can’t fault anyone who would feel betrayed by their Homura acting against that promise.

But as a sadistic bastard in another dark show that is now also very controversial once said, “If you think this story has a happy ending, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention.”

Homura Akemi Did Everything Wrong, and It’s Okay to Admit That

Even though The Rebellion Story got me interested in seeing where the whole Homucifer vs. Godoka thing would go, I still wasn’t all that invested in Homura as a person. I was entrenched too deep in my KyoSaya world, and everything outside of that was just so much plot. Most of my focus was on Resonance Days, which just didn’t involve her at all.

It took years, but three things finally cracked me out of that shell. The first was writing Walpurgis Nights, of course. Granted, Homulilly was more of a Moemura than Homucifer, but that story really made me dive deep into her innate insecurities, to explore her struggles with self-loathing and her reliance on Madoka for any kind of validation.

The second was watching through a few blind reactions to the series, seeing how other people reacted to her character and the things that they picked up that I had missed. One thing in particular stood out to me: during Homura and Madoka’s first meeting in episode ten, Homura is actually shocked when Madoka casually addresses her by her first name, as no one ever called her by her first name.

And the third might get me some hate, but it was through coming across this little video:

Now, like many things I’ve discussed in this post, this video has been pretty polarizing, with some people outright hating it and labeling it as slanderous character bashing. The clickbaity title certainly doesn’t help, and I can’t say I agree with all of its points. But the video really isn’t the character-bashing piece that it might seem like. Rather, it’s as much a deconstruction of a character that has been heavily idealized by the fandom, pointing out the many mistakes and, while it certainly was not her fault, how she was driven more by a personal need for validation rather than selfless love.

That’s when it all clicked for me, all the little pieces coming together.

Despite how badass she appears to be, despite how unwavering her adoration for Madoka is, Homura Akemi is someone who was broken from the beginning, who was re-broken again and again, who never seemed to make the right choice, who was never allowed to have what she wanted, who was never allowed to win, until she finally snapped and ripped apart the carefully-laid plans and systems that seemed to be set against her.

Homura Akemi did everything wrong, and that is fascinating!

Consider: when we first meet her, she is a young girl who has known nothing but neglect, who has been shuffled around by an uncaring system her entire life, who is physically weak due to a heart condition, who is terrified by any kind of attention and is genuinely perturbed just by being called by her first name.

Of all the tragic backstories in the series, hers is easily the worst. Mami and Kyoko’s characterizations are both defined by having a single horrific event in their respective pasts that took everything away from them, events that shattered their worlds and which they blamed themselves for. But at the very least they had something before the cruel hand of fate reached into their lives. Homura never had anything! Her family is so completely out of the picture to not even warrant a mention! Her heart condition leaves her constantly balanced on the precipice of death and frequently leaves her weak and in pain. She’s never had a real friend, never had anyone close, never had anything that made her feel good about being herself. So when the Arch of Victory witch ensnares her with suicidal thoughts, it doesn’t really have to try very hard.

And then Madoka came into her life. A cheerful, outgoing girl who showed her kindness, one who called her by her name and said that it was pretty. Someone who came to her during the scariest moment in Homura’s life like a guardian angel and saved her. Someone who was everything Homura had ever wanted: kind, humble, encouraging, non-judgmental, loving, powerful, protecting, and the list goes on.

Is there any wonder that Homura became infatuated with her? Not one bit.

But then something terrible happened. Madoka and Mami were faced with the horror of Walpurgisnacht, and it killed them. Finally Homura had someone in her life that made her feel good about being herself, and that person was stolen from her. She had to watch Madoka fail. She had to watch Madoka die. And she just stood by and did nothing.

And it is then that Homura made her first mistake. Kyubey being the opportunistic manipulator that he is, he took advantage of her vulnerable state in order to add another soul to his quota. And of course Homura accepted; who could blame her?

But consider this: Homura could have wished for Madoka to be resurrected. Walpurgisnacht had been defeated; it was no longer a threat! Then the two of them (or three, had Mami been brought back as well) would have been together, fighting side-by-side! I mean, it would have eventually ended in tears anyway, but Homura had no way of knowing that. As far as she knew, she was in a traditional magical girl story that just so happened to have a bad end, one that she could have fixed.

Instead, she wished to be sent back in time to redo her first meeting with Madoka, only this time as a Puella Magi. That way, she could help Madoka and Mami prepare for Walpurgisnacht! She could protect Madoka!

It wasn’t enough just to have her dearest (and only) friend back in her life. Homura wanted to switch the roles. She wanted to protect Madoka like Madoka had protected her. She wanted a reason to keep existing, a mission, a way to prove her worthiness, because she still hated herself and needed something to validate her existence.

But it wasn’t that kind of show. She didn’t have all the information. How could she have known that Kyubey was being deceptive? How could she have known of the truth about witches? How could she have known that her time-looping would make Walpurgisnacht stronger? How could she have known that each loop would alter the timestream, entangling both Sayaka and Kyoko in its web?

Still, she kept trying. She made herself stronger and stronger in hopes that she would be able to stop Walpurgisnacht in time. She tried to warn everyone about Kyubey and the witches only to be disbelieved. She watched the others die around her again and again. She watched Madoka either die or succumb to despair and become a witch herself.

And then it happened.

That all-important timeline, where everything in her changed.

The one where she and Madoka finally successfully defeated Walpurgisnacht, but lost everything else. The one where they laid side-by-side in the ruins and the rain, as their cracked soul gems grew darker and the darker. The one where Homura resigned herself to becoming a witch.

The one where Madoka sacrificed her final grief seed, Sayaka’s grief seed, in order to save Homura. The one where she made Homura promise to go back and prevent her from making a contract in the first place. And the one where Madoka died again, not in battle against a witch, but by Homura’s own hand.

Something inside Homura broke that day, something that was never repaired and never will be. It was then that Homura shed the last remnants of the frightened, insecure girl she had been and became the Terminator-esque warrior that we were first introduced to. Her missions was clear then: stop Madoka from making a contract and defeat Walpurgisnacht by any means necessary. Nothing else mattered.

But despite all her resets, despite all her preparations, despite (supposedly) finally having all the information, Homura still kept failing! No matter what she did, Madoka always made a contract and became Kriemhild Gretchen. And Walpurgisnacht just seemed to be getting stronger.

Finally, in the timeline that encompasses the show proper, Homura learned the reason why. She was doomed from the start. Her own resetting of time was only building Madoka’s karmic destiny, increasing the power of both Walpurgisnacht and Kriemhild Gretchen. The more she went back, the more the universe itself stacked the deck against her, and now it was all but impossible. And what was worse, she had done it to herself.

Just look at her in that second to last episode, when she’s lying there bloodied and broken, when she’s about to go back yet again but stops herself. Just look at her face as her soul gem darkens as literal years of despair seep out of the defenses she had built up around herself. She knew that it was hopeless, she knew that both she and Madoka were doomed, she knew that she was seconds from finally becoming a witch after all of her efforts were for naught, and it terrified her.

But then, just as all seemed lost, Madoka herself appeared to save her, but did so through the last thing Homura wanted her to do. She took all of that karmic destiny Homura had burdened her with and made a witch that shook the very foundations of reality. Witches were removed from the equation, and Puella Magi who had succumbed to despair were simply allowed to pass peacefully instead of becoming monsters. The contract system and the advancements wasn’t removed, and the girls’ wishes weren’t negated. But the cruelest aspect of it was.

And all it cost was Madoka’s existence.

Yes, Homura was saved. Yes, Madoka was spared of dying or turning into Kriemhild Gretchen. But the person that Homura had devoted her entire existence to protecting was gone, and by her own hand. Only Homura herself was left to remember her.

Can you imagine how that must have felt, to be forced to soldier on while bearing the weight of that knowledge, to know that you had ultimately failed in your mission and had to go on without the only person that had ever meant anything to you? Sure, there was that whole “always be with you in spirit” thing, but that is a poor comfort to someone like Homura. Yes, the show ends on an optimistic note, with Homura promising to fight on in Madoka’s name, but it’s often been said that the only thing that give a story a happy ending is where you end it. And while I’m sure that many fans would have loved to believe that Homura had done just that, had fought the Wraiths to the bitter end until she was welcomed into Madoka’s arms, the sad fact of the matter is that reality is rarely ever so simple.

In The Rebellion Story we learn how true that is. Without her mission, Homura was unable to keep herself together, and despair did finally overtake her. But instead of peacefully disappearing and being taken by her love, she had made the fatal mistake of confessing to Kyubey of all people the truth about the way things were.

Now, why would she do that? Why tell Kyubey about the witches and how Madoka had changed things? Did she not suspect that he might do something with that knowledge?

Personally, I think she did. Maybe not consciously, but I feel that deep down inside, she hated what the world had become, not because the Law of Cycles had removed a significant portion of the pain, but because Madoka had to erase herself in order to create it. Yes, deleting witches was a net positive, but it wasn’t the positive Homura had been fighting to achieve. Madoka had made her promise to keep her from making a wish, and Homura had to execute her right after. So I do think that she told Kyubey the truth because part of her was kind of hoping he would intervene somehow and bring Madoka back.

And he did, and he did so though screwing Homura over. Again.

Within the labyrinth contained within her own soul gem, Homura build the world she had always wanted to exist. The endless loops had been washed away, and she and Madoka were fighting together in a joyful magical girl show. She worked so hard to build a place that would make her happy, but in the end she had been unable to accept even her own gift, in part because she subconsciously knew that something was off, but also because she had conditioned to be suspicious anything that seems like it would be working in her favor.

Learning the truth broke Homura yet again. She had done this. She had been the one to admit the truth to Kyubey, and he had used that knowledge to ensnare Madoka once more. Her love was again trapped by Incubators, and it was all her fault. Is there any wonder that while everyone was fighting to rescue her from herself, she was screaming for them to stop while her own familiars executed her over and over again?

Homura’s decision to rip Madoka out of the Law of Cycles and again rewrite reality is a controversial one, and I get that. But when you put aside the cool, determined badass that she presents herself as and look at the whole of her journey then it only makes sense. She was sick of it all. Sick of being manipulated by the Incubators and their contracts, sick of having her desires denied by the Law of Cycles, sick of being held back by her own inadequacies. She was sick of losing, and that was going to end.

The movie is called The Rebellion Story, and that title couldn’t have been more accurate. Because at the end, Homura rebelled against everything: against the Incubators, against Madoka, against herself, against a world that seemed set against her from the beginning. She forcibly seized control, dominating Kyubey and his ilk, ripping Madoka from the Law of Cycles and reprogramming her to be sweet and docile, and even erasing Madoka and Sayaka’s friendship so that Sayaka wouldn’t interfere. In the end, she finally won.

And she still hated herself. Even after overcoming everything and embracing her status as the world’s new Devil, we see her own familiars throwing trash at her.

And that is the Homura I came to love. The icy, mysterious warrior that she was presented as just didn’t do anything for me. But the broken girl who seemed to have the entire world set against her, that had what little happiness she had stolen from her time and time again, that made mistake after mistake as she tried to fight against the unfairness of everything and constantly made things worse, that finally said “Fuck it” and forced the world to bend under her will but still wasn’t happy at the end it all? Well, just look at the stories I’ve written, the kinds of stories I gush about. That is a story I can sink my teeth into. That is a character worth investing in, because she is just so damned fascinating!

Now, I’m not going to say that she’s my favorite character now, but her story is the one I’m the most interested in. And when we finally get that long-awaited follow-up, I’m definitely going to be swooning over any and all KyoSaya interactions and watching what happens to Mami and Madoka with rapt attention, but the bulk of my investment will be in Homura’s story, because in a very strange way, her story feels the most human.

Now I just wonder how many people I’ve managed to piss off.

[dyingrabbit]

Negated Universe Misadventures - Chapter One

(I thought maybe it would make more sense to post the full chapters here rather than link to fanfiction.net. Kinda long. Sorry to make to scroll for 5 full seconds. Also SPOILERS for Madoka Magica.)

Humor/Dark

Subjective narrator (Homura Akemi)

Word count: 3898

“Fuck” count: 33

Eco Round (Attempt #26)

I'm not gonna say I saw it coming, because that would be vain of me, but I sure as hell knew something was bound to get fucked up this time.

Trying to take down Walpurgisnacht at less than full strength was already pushing it. If Sayaka hadn't gone and blown herself up earlier this would have been a much more feasible operation. But our numbers disadvantage notwithstanding, we were still fucking it up. Kyouko was way out of position, getting distracted by the adds and Mami couldn't seem to land a single fucking shot to save her life. I was clearly the only person who could get anything done. Unfortunately even I can't carry all the time so everybody died again.

Fuck this shit.

Upon reset I awoke to a familiar ceiling. At this juncture I considered a great many things. I had almost lost count of how many times I'd started over by giving this little buckler a spin and all of my runs were becoming confused and hazy. Twenty-five times now I had rushed headlong into this damned loop and each new attempt yielded nothing.

Was I worn out? Certainly. It's no fun seeing your efforts go unrewarded. It's another thing entirely for them to fucking zap out of existence.

Did I regret putting myself up to this? Not quite. Saving Madoka was still priority number one and it wouldn't do any fucking good for anyone if I started feeling bad for myself now.

What was clear was that nothing seemed to be working. It always ended in Madoka dying or turning into a witch. It was one of the universal constants of the timeline. Another thing that was oddly prevalent was Mami dying very early. It wasn't always the same perpetrator, but the cause of death was almost invariably decapitation. There were a surprising number of ways, it turned out, for Mami to lose her head along the course of events. So noticeable was this phenomenon that on the last occasion I actually chuckled quietly to myself.

But in any event, what I needed right now was to strategize. Throwing myself at this brick wall wasn't working so I needed to adapt in order to succeed. What did that entail? In order to beat this time loop I needed to know it from front to back. I needed to find out what made it tick and precisely how to exploit it. For starters, I needed a control run.

To be fair, I also needed a break. This shit was getting fucking exhausting and I was hardly up to jumping right back in again. So there's two dead birds.

Step one was getting money, a practice I had perfected several resets ago. The ability to stop time was a pretty fucking hard counter to any security system designed by man, so I won't bore you with the trivial details. In essence, I robbed a few banks. I stopped feeling bad about it a while ago. The world ended if I fucked this up so I rightfully deserved to have any and all resources at my disposal.

Step two was having a spa day. This was probably the most fucking critical part of the plan so I paid special attention to making sure it was done properly. This entailed no expenses being spared. Importantly, it meant going to the most expensive spa in Mitakihara City, a super classy looking joint called "Subarashi Onsen".

I gave a cursory scan to the brochure in the lobby and quietly cackled, knowing that each and every feature advertised was getting purchased. Even if some of them were mutually exclusive. I didn't give a damn if I had to be there all day, nothing was fucking sacred.

As it happened, the spa's accommodations were somewhat exhaustive and I did in fact end up spending all day there. But the lost day was something of a necessary sacrifice to ensure the rest of the plan went smoothly. Who knows how catastrophic a failure may have arisen if this first step hadn't been executed correctly. It made me shudder just thinking about it. Frightening shit, no doubt.

Alright, step three was pretty fucking boring and tedious but it was technically required according to my outline. I just needed to watch everyone for a while. I wasn't allowed to do anything really. This run was all about getting a solid baseline so I could then semi-directly measure the cause and effect of my actions.

It also meant taking a shit ton of notes. That was fine, as I was a pretty ace note taker, but it also sucked pretty bad because all of my calculations would be based on them and the level of abstraction that would be required of me at the drop of a hat wasn't particularly conducive to easily resolvable data points. I needed to be everywhere, at all times, making systematically unfounded assumptions, and I needed to be correct every time. I needed to be almost entirely omniscient for this to work even slightly. Fortunately my handy little time travel ability made this prerequisite a bit less damning.

Stage one, I suppose, was my classroom introduction. Since I had no intention of reverting to the helpless pleb I had been prior to meeting Madoka for the first time, I felt no desire to alter my current appearance. Still, Madoka recently seemed to recognize me at first sight due to dreaming about me in the previous timeline. So I did need to change something. The glasses would have to do.

So instead of walking in like the drop dead gorgeous yet undeniably bad ass goddess I had been known as for the past several time loops, I settled for walking in as a slightly less gorgeous and bad ass yet very studious looking goddess. The students were impressed, as they always were.

This was generally the only fun part about the whole process. At one point or another fighting the witches was pretty fun, but now that I knew all their moves it was getting dull. The only thing that I found pleasing anymore was the complete adoration I received from these poor impressionable middle schoolers. I put an ungodly amount of effort towards making these kids comment on my hair. Eventually it paid off. I now consistently get one or two girls asking me what shampoo I use. It's disgusting but dangerously addictive.

This time I unfortunately wouldn't get to show off quite as much for fear of drawing too much attention to myself. This meant no more breaking the pole vaulting prefectural record or absolutely killing my math professor's white board problems. But like hell was I gonna drop my fabulous hair. Fuck my spreadsheets. If my curtain of raven black locks was going to significantly alter the timeline then god dammit so be it. After writing my name on the board and wishing everyone a good year I assumed my seat and proceeded to begin note taking.

Madoka, for her part, did steal a few glances in my direction after I sat down. This was to be expected, as I'm difficult to not stare at, but additionally she had probably ID'd me from her dream. It couldn't really be helped. I could have worn a mask or gotten plastic surgery, but those ideas could just as easily go fuck themselves. At least I didn't look exactly like I probably did in the dream. I had the bright red glasses for one. I also had put a concerted effort towards smiling a little bit to hide the stone cold bitch stomper within. That and I made a point not to make eye contact with Madoka. With any luck, she'd think it was all in her head.

After a bit, she seemed to settle down and focus on the lecture. When break came, A few students came to welcome me to the class. I graciously answered each of their questions with poise and class, even the bullshit ones. Then someone asked about the shampoo. I still get a little elated every time, so I launched into my spiel.

"Actually, that's an interesting question. There was a brand that I used to use called-" I was cut off by a really obscenely asinine ringtone.

"Oh. Sorry, Akemi-san. I've gotta take this."

Fucking hell. I couldn't have even one moment of mild satisfaction it seemed. Taking advantage of the lull, Madoka approached me with a timid smile.

"E - excuse me it's Akemi-san, right?" She meekly inquired.

Okay, this was game time. No margin for fuck-ups here. We were gonna play this real cool but also a little guarded.

I nodded while saying, "Yep, that's my name. And you?"

Fucking nailed it. Madoka looked a little relieved that I came across as a normal person and proceeded to introduce herself.

"I'm Madoka Kaname, nice to meet you." We politely shook hands.

This time I didn't ask her to take me to the nurse's office. I went and ate lunch alone from a strategic perch. Not a whole lot of shit was poised to happen at school but vigilance was never a bad thing. Right now the only pieces on the board were Madoka herself and that Sayaka bitch. Things don't really get interesting until after school when they visit that music store.

Stage two was the all important encounter with Kyubey and Mami at the music store. This is generally where I initially make a major impact on the timeline. So this time I anticipated the meeting to play out much differently.

Much to my chagrin, it didn't really. Generally I would rush in here, shoot up Kyubey, and narrowly avoid a confrontation with Mami before peeling out. Now that I thought about it I don't really do much here. This time Kyubey lured Madoka and Sayaka into the witch's labyrinth whilst feigning being under duress.

Fucking bastard.

This forced Mami into rescuing them and revealing her magical abilities. Mami then takes them to her apartment where she talks about the pros and cons of the whole business. Almost exactly the same except no intervention from me. In addition I hadn't blown my cover or given the others a bad impression of myself, so this was already an improvement. That was going in the notebook for sure.

They spent the next couple of days casually tracking down familiars and dispatching them with no trouble. Meanwhile, Sayaka had been granted that super gaudy club that she used to beat the shit out of adds. Madoka whiled away thinking about what she might wanna wish for and precisely how fucking pink and frilly her dress was gonna be. Things were progressing fairly nominally.

Soon they ought to face off against Charlotte and Mami will lose her fucking head. I imagine at this point, Sayaka and Madoka will both insta-contract with Kyubey and probably end up killing the shit out of Charlotte. I'm actually not sure what will happen after that. It really depends on how Sayaka takes the whole thing and how she reacts to Kyouko when she arrives. If they end up killing each other I won't have the man advantage I need to take out big ole' Walpy. But I'm getting ahead of myself now.

Stage three began with Madoka and Sayaka visiting that crippled violin player Kyousuke who Sayaka kinda dug for some reason. After leaving the hospital, they encountered the grief seed conspicuously sticking out of the wall.

Sayaka, the martyr that she is, usually volunteers to stay behind and camp the seed while Madoka goes and fetches Mami from her apartment. Except they both had their phones this time so they just called her up and she was there in a couple minutes.

I must have missed something because I'm not certain how my involvement makes these girls any less aware of their mobile devices. But at least I didn't have to hide in this bush any longer than was absolutely necessary. When Mami arrived, I sneakily followed everyone inside.

For what it's worth, a couple times I've actually managed to convince Mami that something was off with this particular witch. My success rate at keeping her alive through this portion is, nonetheless, lower than satisfactory. Nicer folks might call her free-willed, but the skeptics, the cynics, and the real deal pundits would just call her a fucking idiot. I, being all three of those things, had just about had it with Mami and her gung-ho attitude. It gave me a grim sense of satisfaction knowing she wouldn't be acting so feckless when she no longer had a head.

I silently cursed myself, though, for counting Mami out so quickly. After all, it's not like it was in my best interest if she bit the dust here. If it satisfied my personal vendetta for her to fail utterly without my assistance, that was neither here nor there. That being said, It didn't earn me any fucking brownie points to be optimistic and, given her past performance, objectivity implied a certain degree of pessimism at this stage.

The initiates proceeded into the labyrinth with something of a terrified amusement. Sure, they'd been around the block by now but It would be quite the hyperbole to assert that this particular block was in any sense adequate preparation for what they now faced. So it was good that they were frightened.

Mami on the other hand was practically skipping the entire time. Madoka had just told her that she had resolved to join the ranks as a magical girl. In that moment, all Mami's general misgivings about going it alone had subsided in a flood of tears and a shocking number of "Fuckin' A!" utterances. There were clearly some underlying mental issues here so it warranted taking a note.

Now, with the wind at their backs, they sailed into Charlotte's main chamber to do battle.

I've seen this fight play out several times by now. Generally speaking it doesn't go so well when I'm not involved at first. When Mami lets me assist her, I fuck Charlotte up so fast it makes her head spin. Everyone thinks I'm really cool after that, even if they thought I was a cold hearted bitch before. When Mami doesn't let me assist her, nine times out of ten she doesn't make it out alive.

On a few occasions, one or both of her shadowers have made contracts prior to the fight so it goes much more smoothly even when I'm not there. In all other cases, when I'm not present, Mami gets a big head about herself only to have it swiftly emancipated from the rest of her body. To put it bluntly, I expected to see a headless Mami with near certainty in the near future.

What did end up happening was a bit disappointing. Mami engaged her target with a blistering hail of musket fire for several seconds, as usual. Charlotte responded by doing pretty much nothing for a while, as usual. Mami pinned her against the far wall and initiated her big flashy finishing move whilst shouting "Tiro Finale!".

Nobody else had a finishing move. How vain of her.

After believing the kill was confirmed, Mami dropped her guard for a second. Charlotte sprung out of her doll form straight at Mami, opened her jaw wide open and started munching on the poor middle schooler's head. All of this was expected. I took no notes on this.

What wasn't expected was what happened next. Charlotte quickly finished working on Mami, or decided she'd better go and secure a couple more frags, and focused her attention on Madoka and Sayaka. Kyubey, always on the ball, immediately petitioned them to make contracts.

"Quickly! Make a wish so I can turn you into magical girls!". Sayaka, with an uncharacteristically clear head, instantly wished for Kyousuke's arm to be healed. The transformation process began at once. Madoka couldn't fucking pull herself together and just stared wide eyed at Mami's dismembered corpse.

"Now you, Madoka! There's no time! What is your wish?" Demanded Kyubey. Madoka looked helplessly between Kyubey and Mami's body. Then, wiping away her tears, she managed to eke out a few words.

"Uh, I'd like a really big cake-" In that instant Charlotte swung her head about, slamming into Madoka's fragile frame, and sending her flying into the wall. She impacted with a sickening crunch.

Shit. That wasn't supposed to happen.

It did give credence to my claim that they'd be dead without my help. I guess I hadn't fully believed myself though.

A cake. She wished for a fucking cake. Damn, now I wanted a cake. I made a note of these things.

That aside, It would have been something of an understatement to say that Sayaka was somewhat galvanized at this point. Her eyes were glazed over and a miasma of unadulterated hate oozed from her every pore. With a scream too ungodly for hell she streaked through the air to assail her nemesis.

If I hadn't just watched Madoka get fucking demolished, which was never easy, I'd have probably been a bit turned on by the whole display.

Sayaka slammed into Charlotte, blade first, driving her flailing, tube-like body straight to the ground. Rising quickly, she began mercilessly hacking at the witch's face. Unfathomable amounts of blood and gore gushed from each wound coating the once cute blue outfit Sayaka was wearing. She began syncopating expletives with each slash of her sword.

"YOU—PIECE OF—SHIT—FUCKING—BITCH—CUNT—MOTHER—FUCKER!" Holy shit this was hot. Her manic carvings had left her victim mangled and unrecognizable. With a last cry of utter despair, Sayaka drove her blade straight through Charlotte's face.

There was a horrific screech that reverberated off the walls. It was so immediately deafening that I dropped my notebook to cover my ears. But Sayaka remained motionless, her hands resting on the hilt of her sword which was still deeply embedded in the flesh of her enemy, and her head downcast. The screech increased in frequency until it was no longer audible. Then Charlotte exploded.

The labyrinth quickly dissipated, leaving only Sayaka, Madoka, and I in front of the hospital. Madoka was strewn about in a very unnatural manner. I could tell pretty easily that she was toast. Looked like almost every bone in her body was broken and Sayaka could tell that pretty easily too.

She crawled over to her friend and gingerly pulled her body up onto her lap. It seemed like she'd spent her allotted screaming budget in the preceding encounter and now all she could do was quietly sob. So she did. Her soul gem turned from bright blue to a depressing shade of navy.

Kyubey waited closely by in anticipation, no doubt upset that his big catch had all but gone to waste but, regardless, happy with the quick turnover of his most recent contractee.

Alright then. I quickly summarized the most important details of this engagement in my notebook: Mami dies. Madoka dies. Sayaka goes off on Charlotte. It's really bad ass and sexy. Charlotte is terminated. Sayaka despairs and turns into a witch. Good. Now I was calling it. The timeline was dead.

Facing no repercussions from exposing myself, I emerged from the bush that was my hiding spot and pulled a Desert Eagle out of my buckler. There was really no need for this to go any further so I decided to give Sayaka the old Of Mice and Men treatment, as it was the most merciful way to do this.

She either didn't hear me walking up behind her, or didn't care. I glanced over at Kyubey, who had just now noticed me, gave him the finger, and shot Sayaka in the back of the head.

No grief seeds for you, motherfucker.

Before resetting, I decided I'd indulge myself one last time. I really wanted some cake. Unfortunately, it was rather impossible to get rid of Kyubey after the show I'd given him earlier. Even after destroying his body he kept coming back to bug me with useless questions, mostly pertaining to who the hell I was and what I knew about witches and shit. Only after sitting down in a café and acquiring my cake did I begin to humor him.

"I'm basically your worst nightmare." I said, taking a bite of vanilla frosted angel food. "I can do this shit as many times as I fucking want to and you can't stop me." I was speaking a little unduly loud and the nearby patrons were giving me confused glances.

"I wouldn't be so confident, Akemi Homura-san." The Incubator countered, "It is a certainty that you will eventually see the futility of this endless cycle and succumb to despair."

Okay, I'll give this monster credit. He did make a good point. It was totally possible that if I didn't find a route with a good ending soon I was going to start losing it. But I could delay that. I just needed to make sure to pace myself. That's what this run was all about anyway.

At some point I was going to have to look at myself in the mirror and ask what I'd be willing to settle for, or if I'm willing to settle at all. What constituted a good ending, and if that was achievable. But that was for some other time.

I put the rest of the cake into a to-go box that the waitress had given me and awkwardly tried to shove the box into my magic bottomless storage unit. Meanwhile, Kyubey gazed at me with a look of bemused contentment or maybe seething angst. I couldn't really tell. He kinda just looked like a pedophile or a serial killer to me so It was tough to gauge his demeanor at any given time. In any event, I'm sure he thought he'd gotten to me with that last jab. Which he had, sort of. But fuck him, so what?

"Perhaps you're already losing hope, Akemi Homura-san." He said evilly.

I'd had enough of him. I'd like to say what I did next was in one smooth motion but If I'm being honest with myself it certainly didn't look all that practiced. That is, it was choppy as all hell.

First, I heroically jammed the rest of the cake box into my shield. Next, I grabbed some cash and left an equitable tip for the nice lady who had served me. Lastly, I grabbed Kyubey by the throat, threw him on the floor, and shouted,

"AM NOT! FUCK YOU!" before emptying my Deagle magazine into his chest.

Then I reset.

TO BE CONTINUED

[recentanimenews]

The 10 Most Unlucky Characters in All of Anime

Fortune favors the bold, so the saying goes. But sometimes, luck just isn’t on your side. Whether it’s an unlucky time at the gambling tables, the constant taste of defeat as victory slips out of your fingers every single time, the inability to find that special someone, or just seeming like a rain cloud is constantly parked over your life, being unlucky is never great. For some people, though, it just seems like their luck is never going to turn around! In anime, sometimes this manifests itself as a cosmic reason for unlucky turns, a personality flaw, or even a literal stat line in your character profile! But for some of these characters, their lack of luck is their own reward, making them memorable or even funny; for others, their misfortune is part of their tragic fate, making their coming up short even more heart wrenching as we realize they’re probably never going to make it.

While these characters may not have anything lucky to look forward to, they’ve at least lucked their way into our list of unluckiest characters! So, without further ado, let’s take a look at our lucky (or unlucky…) winners! And as a final reminder, there will be some spoilers spread out, so read at your own risk, and don’t curse you luck if you get spoiled!

10. Yamcha (Dragon Ball / Dragon Ball Z / Dragon Ball Super)

Yamcha is certainly one of the saddest cases not just because he's really unlucky, but because his misfortune continues to magnify over the course of the story. Starting off in Dragon Ball as a dashing rogue bandit, Yamcha’s transformation through the years has seen him on a steady decline, always on the back foot while the rest of the Z warriors step forward. Yamcha’s first blow comes with his break up with Bulma, followed by his tragic (and now iconically funny) death at the hands of the Saibamen. While Yamcha would recover from death like most Dragon Ball characters, his pride and place in the cast never seemed to follow, as he would spend successive sagas always in the background, and finally in Dragon Ball Super as the butt of jokes for his cowardice and weakness… but at least he never died again!

9. Meow (Space Dandy)

Frankly, none of the Blockhead, Bonehead, and Pinhead trio of Dandy, Meow, and QT are particularly “lucky,” save perhaps Dandy, whose odd qualities revealed in the finale to have a very special ability through successive shifts in alternate universes. But of the three of them, Meow is probably the unluckiest, which he contributes to quite a bit through his laziness and carefree personality. Always the butt of jokes and Dandy’s pranks, everything bad that happens to the cast tends to happen to Meow first. When a zombie outbreak hits the galaxy, Meow is the first crew member of the Aloha Oe to succumb, and that’s one of the least bad things to happen to him! Meow generally finds his advice ignored, and his cowardice tends to get him into more trouble than it gets him out of. Perhaps Meow’s purpose is to be the counterbalance to Dandy’s quirky luck, but no matter what, Meow always seems to get the short end of the stick, even missing out on getting to taste the greatest ramen in the universe! If that isn’t unlucky, I don’t know what is.

  8. Koichi Zenigata (Lupin the 3rd)

Sometimes luck isn’t focused on how successful you are with money or chance, but instead about how successful you are at your job. To that end, there’s probably no one unluckier than Inspector Zenigata, the hard-boiled but soft-hearted man tasked with bringing Lupin to justice for his crimes. Zenigata is routinely the foil for Lupin’s schemes, always arriving a second too late, finding more questions than answers, and left with fixing the messes that Lupin leaves for him. Even when Zenigata manages to capture Lupin, such as in classic episodes “One Chance to Break Out” or “The End of Lupin”, things just don’t go the inspector’s way! Lupin and Zenigata might have a warped sense of friendship and respect, but that doesn’t change the fact that the poor inspector will likely spend the rest of his life always coming up tragically short. And that isn’t even taking into account his abysmal luck when it comes to love, where all of his romances end tragically one way or the other for the detective. Keep that chin up, Zenigata!

7. Touma Kamijo (A Certain Magical Index)

It’s an odd fate when your luck is the cost of your special power, and it’s even more of an odd fate when you don’t even know that’s what you’re giving up! But such is the case of Touma, whose magical ability “Imagine Breaker” allows him to negate any and all magical, divine, and esper abilities… including his own luck! Touma’s childhood was nothing but miserable due to his then misunderstood ability, as people cursed him for their bad luck and constant misfortunes. Touma’s father eventually sends him to Academy City to enable him to get a fresh start and take him away from the superstitious and cruel people that haunted his childhood. While Touma’s power is indeed amazing, allowing him to stand up for people and be a hero, it’s one that’s come at a great cost to his personal life. Perhaps the saving grace here is that Touma’s always taken his fate with stride and done his best to live as a good person, even as he finds himself in constant troubling situations and problems.

6. Iyami (Osomatsu-san)

It’s possible to consider that one’s luck is a reflection of their personality, as if luck is a karmic cycle: you get what you give. In that case, pretty much everyone in Osomatsu-san gets exactly what they deserve from Lady Luck, but there is perhaps no one quite so deserving of their bad luck than Iyami. It’s tough to stick out of the crowd of miscreants and misanthropes the way Iyami does, to the point that it’s hard to even feel bad for him when things go wrong! Iyami’s always looking for a quick and easy fix to his problems, made worse by his lack of scruples and his frankly off-putting personality. Even when things start going his way, his greedy sense of self-worth always ends up sabotaging his plans, leading him right back to where he started… and let’s just say that in a world where your words can manifest as a boomerang and come back to hurt you, Iyami’s are so powerful they wipe out a whole city just to scrub him off the earth!

5. Ichiko Sakura (Good Luck Girl)

Is it possible to be *too* lucky? An overabundance of luck might seem like a good thing at first, but not when it comes at the suffering of those around you. That seems to be the case for Ichiko, whose Fortune Power is so high that it causes bad things to happen to people around her instead, absorbing their luck and turning it into her own! To make matters worse, Ichiko is at first not even aware that her power exists, and has no idea why bad things seem to happen to the people she spends time with and cares about. Ichiko keeps herself distant from other people, trying to avoid a repeat of her childhood trauma, but it isn’t until the God of Misfortune Momiji appears that things start to change… and not in the way you’d think! With Momiji’s (reluctant) help and the assistance of a weird monk, Ichiko finds a way to start giving her luck to other people, saving them from their troubles and dangers!

4. Anne Hanakoizumi (Anne-Happy)

Taking enjoyment in the misfortune of others might seem cruel in general practice, but in the case of the cast of Anne-Happy, that’s where all of the fun is! Class 7 is a class if misfits who all suffer from some odd misfortune, and that’s nowhere better encapsulated than in Anne, who viewers meet hanging off of a bridge after trying to rescue a dog! Anne’s constant misfortune doesn’t seem to sway her always cheerful disposition, and she constantly tries to do her best despite falling into manholes and other ridiculous unlucky events! But Anne’s misfortune seems to have a way of working out for the best, and the members of Class 7 find friendship and happiness together despite their constant mishaps. They say “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, but Anne might trump that with “When life opens a giant pit underneath you, turn it into a hot springs trip for you and your friends”!

3. Homura Akemi (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

If you had the ability to try and stop the greatest misfortune in your life, what would you do? Most people would likely leap at the chance, but as most situations prove, it isn’t always that simple. For Homura, she wants nothing more than to save her beloved Madoka from suffering her tragic fate and becoming one of the worst monsters in creation. To prevent this, Homura uses her ability to slip through time in order to try and prevent the cycle from completing, but always finds herself coming up short, having re-lived the same tragic events nearly 100 times! Homura’s misfortune may not seem the luck based kind, but it is perhaps one of the worst fates someone could have, always seeing the same things happen time and again and never knowing what could have gone wrong, living alone and trapped in a cycle that never ends. Even by the end of the series, its questionable whether Homura really achieved what she wanted, indicating that maybe this cycle is still not over, and Homura’s wish may never come true.

2. Taizou Hasegawa (Gintama)

Sometimes, life deals you a bad hand. In the case of Hasegawa, life didn’t stop there, making sure that probably everything that could ever go wrong went so wrong it became abstractly hilarious. Hasegawa starts Gintama as a government employee tied to the alien prince Hata, and after losing his job, becomes known as “MADAO”: Totally Hopeless Old Guy (and, as the series progressed, a lot of other insulting alternative titles!). Hasegawa’s problems are mostly due to miserable luck and cruel twists of fate, as he’s a good and kind person at heart who tries to do the right thing whenever he can. Unfortunately, those things require him to be humiliated, usually by the same people he considers friends and allies, such as winning a rigged gameshow to help a sick girl, that success comes at public and extreme humiliation. Being a MADAO is a lonely existence, and for Hasegawa, his only solace is his sunglasses. But at least by the end of the series, Hasegawa gets some redemption as being hailed a hero, so at least he ends up better than he started off! Whether or not it was worth all of the humiliation and defeat, well...

1. Lancer [Diarmuid] (Fate/Zero) / Lancer [Cu Chulainn] (Fate/Stay Night)

Now, this is technically two people, but perhaps no two characters share such unlucky fates as the Lancers of the Fate universe! Such seems to be the fate of Servants with such abysmal luck attributes, both at E rank! The two spearmen have a lot in common, from dashing good looks and affable personalities, to their deadly abilities with their weapons. Unfortunately, the Holy Grail War isn’t won by simple ability, and for these two servants, the failures of their human masters, and their seemingly unfortunate fates, seem to be working against them!

Diarmuid, betrayed in life by his master, finds himself in death summoned by Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald, and the pair seem quite possibly able to win the Holy Grail easily. Unfortunately, Kayneth’s pride and arrogance get him into trouble, and Diarmuid’s cursed beauty mark bewitches Kayneth’s fiance, Sola-Ui, who in her obsession to have Diarmuid all to herself tortures Kayneth and throws their plans to the winds. With no real leadership at the helm, Diarmuid tries his best, wanting to engage Saber in fair combat… until Saber’s Master, Kiritsugu, takes Kayneth and Sola-Ui hostage, forcing the crippled Master to use his last command seal to force Diarmuid to mortally wound himself! Betrayed again and denied a warrior’s death, Diarmuid dies cursing the Holy Grail and everyone involved… fittingly, his curse seems to have some merit, as almost all of the people involved go on to suffer tragic fates.

Fate/Stay Night’s Lancer fairs relatively just as poorly. Cu Chulainn was one of history’s greatest warriors, but finds himself stuck serving the odious Kotomine Kirei after Kirei steals the right to wield a servant from Lancer’s true master, Bazett, behind the scenes. Cu is an affable opponent and spends much of the series trying to do the right thing despite the control of his twisted master, and in the alternative routes of Heaven’s Feel and Unlimited Blade Works, Cu manages to redeem himself somewhat, although his fate is never truly reversed to a happier ending. Although the Blue Panther never manages to win the Holy Grail, he does get to take his revenge on Kirei, giving him the comeuppance he’s deserved since Fate/Zero! Bittersweet victories taste the best when your luck is so abysmal! At the very least, in the timeline of Today’s Menu for the Emiya Family, Cu’s finally gotten something close to happy ending…

Have any other unfortunate characters you think deserve to be on the list? Let us know in the comments!

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Nicole is a features and a social video script writer for Crunchyroll. Known to profess her love of otome games over at her blog, Figuratively Speaking. When she has the time, she also streams some games. Follow her on Twitter: @ellyberries 

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