#holy shit i havent been on here for a month?? damn

[the-anime-enthusiast]

As per request of @tired-jaz here's some dabi fluff for the touya fans 😈 This is purely fluff but here's a lil quick disclaimer ⚠️ jaz this isn't totally what you asked for but Its still fluff and got some pretty sweet stuff in it 😭(pun intended) HOPE YALL ENJOY‼️

NOT AS SWEET

AS YOU (dabi x reader)

DAY ONE ☎️

"3 months, THREE WHOLE MONTHS NAKI. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I havent felt the touch of aan, MY MAN, in three whole months", you scream into the phone, not caring the damage youve dealt to your sisters eardrums.

"Y/N" she screams back.

"Yes..." you retorted sheepishly with a slight ansgt.

"Isnt he coming bacm in like what? 3 DAYS?? I hate to break it to you gurl, BUT PLEASE, calm down, I get it but he'll be there soon."

"BUT"

"NO. NO BUTS. What happened to the logical and rational you i know? The one dabi fell in love with? Youll have him all to yourself in no time. I know its hard, especially cause you haven't been able to talk to him either, but honey please. Hell be there alright. ALRIGHT?"

you sigh, "I'll calm down. You're right I guess, don't wanna embarrass myself in front of him after 3 months..." you breathe out staring at your feet face reddening at the thought of your desperate actions. "I just miss him, a lot."

"Y/n...I get it, i really do, and i hate to do this right now, but i have to go, if you need anything youll tell me right?"

"Yeah yeah you know I will", you respond rolling your eyes simultaneously.

"REMEMBER" the sudden loud tone sending you to jump up, "3 DAYS THEN HES ALL YOURS. BYE BYE!" she acreams ending the call with a kissy sound.

Your hand drops down, looking at the caller ID

"I know" you wisper to yourself.

DAY TWO ����

Grogginess? She practically your bestfriend you think rolling over to the other aide of your bed, arm slewn over your back orher cupping the side of the pillow youve found yourself clutching for dear life to the past couple of months.

"Dabi..." you whisper, eyes squeezing shut trying to imagine his face again as you bury your face into the pillow

"please come home" is the last thing your pillow hears before you pass out on top of it wishing it was him you were on top of instead.

Nothing could quite distract you from his absence like sleeping your life away.

DAY THREE 🍰

Anxiety was eating you alive like you were the twilight saga and a book worm was having a feild day.

"Nothing has changed between us right?" you thought. "Right?" you repeat to yourself, a sickening smile creeping on your face with tears pricked in the corners of your eyes.

"NO" you yell sitting up to hang of your bed.

"I WILL NOT BE SAD. I REFUSE. ONE MORE DAY

"Y/N. YOU GOT THIS! I GOT THIS? I GOT THIS." you chant storming to your kitchen. Given the ungodly amount of sleep you got yesterday, you hadnt eaten barely anything but leftover cookies and some milk.

"OH. MY. GOD." you aggravatingly sighed out

"I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY" followed by a whine as the refridgerator swining open, and then the realization hit you, you wouldn't be surprised if dust and a moth flew out with the door.

"DAMN INGREDIENT HOUSEHOLD WHAT THE HELL" you yell falling to your knees while slamming the fridge shut, followed by a bang on the door with your fist.

Your head soon met the door as well with your begging you from 2 weeks ago to stop the decision of purely doordashing food to your front door while dabi was gone, leaving you broke as hell. Checking your bank account wasn't any better than the fridge, but in optimism you tell yourself, if theres one thing an ingredient household will get you, its crazy amazing dessert recipes made out of practically thin air.

-skip to later that night-

"Holy shit-" you breathe out

"Holy fucking shit, so. much. dessert. So many... everything?" you question scanning your kitchen surroundings, brownies, cookies, Tres Leches, cookie dough, instant jello, popsicles?

"How in the actual hell...did i make...popsicles..."

you whisper before collapsing of exhaustion.

Slowly picking up your phone to check the time, you read 2:45 a.m.

Following is a look of worry, exhaustion, and confusion as you pass out on the kitchen floor.

DAY FOUR - DABI'S COMING HOME

My keys slowy make their way into the key hole, first sturggling due to my franticness to see her. My girl.

"y/n" I whisper out getting frustrated that the key keeps getting stuck.

"Dammit!' i whisper yell as the door finnalg flys open crashing against the wall behind it.

"What the hell? Why does it smell like...HUH?"

He screeches feasting his eyes on the copious piles of desserts covering every kitchen surface.

"What the hell..." he whispers, barely taking the time to notice you crashed out on the kitchen floor.

"Y/n..." he whispers leaning down to you, a look of pity and concern stretching across his otherwise emotionless face.

"baby..." is the last thing he says before reaching behind your neck and waist to hoist you up into his arms.

A feeling of warmth overcomes your body, a feeling of comfort, one you cant quit explain while wrapped up in your Candy Land like dream, one where you of all people were a diety of dessert. Slowly coming back to consciousness you hear the words of your lover...

"baby" you feel whispered against your ear, the familar voice sending shocks through your body.

No matter the lack of sleep and energy spent on your Master Chef Desserts you shot up clinging to dabi like it was the last time.

"DABI" you screeched into his ear as he pulls you in closer.

He presses a kiss to your ear, "hey princess, missed you baby" he says pressing a second one right after the other.

The feeling practically melts you, nothing beats some sweet love from your lover, especially the physical lind.

"Dabi" you sigh

"Yes princess?"

"Kiss me again?"

"Hm?"

You grab his collar pulling his face for his eyes to look into yours.

"KISS ME" you growl locking his eyes with yours noticing the sly smirk spreading across his beautiful face.

"Alright alright, i heard you the first time" he chuckles cupping your cheek and pulling your waist flush against his stomach.

"Since you ask so nicely..." he teases bringing your face close to his.

You can't explain it, maybe its the lack of him you've experienced the past three months or his overall deamenor but its like you cant think anymore. Everythings fuzzy, your nose filled with the smell of the previously baked sweets mixed with the ash and cigarette smell on his collar. You lose complete control melting into his hands, making him work to keep your body up as his lips meet yours. You make note of the gentleness he's displaying, something not often seen, even behind closed doors. It doesn't feel like hes going to give you the night of your life, or like hes about to do whataver he wants to you, he feels like he's about to hold you until the sun comes up, bury his head in your neck, lay you on his chest kissing your head, whispering sweet nothings like

"you're so beautiful baby..."

or

"i missed you so much" followed by his nose burrowing in your hair.

'you miss me too pretty girl?"

maybe a

"Im here its alright princess..."

or maybe

"you need anything baby?"

its almost out of charcter for him, but somethings changed, the way he holds you, something happened. He holds you now like hes actaully scared to lose you. His kiss isn't filled with lust, but love, pure innocent love, one you've never felt, you think leaning more into the kiss slowly making your backs way down to the floor.

His lips press deeper into yours, never wanting to leave but nevertheless he pulls away leaning over your frozen body beneath him.

"Baby" he whispers moving your face so his eyes meet his, given you were hiding it out of embarrassment.

"Yes..." you wisper back peering up into his beautiful eyes, taking note of the difference in his stare. He holds there for awhile, staring into your eyes, searching in them like he'll find something, still holding your face lovingly.

Your left hand comes to meet his hand on your face cupping over it shooting him a small smile.

"Dabi? "

"Hm?" he hums back seeming to come back to reality.

"S-sorry" he stutters a bit, a like shade of pink running across his cheecks.

Your smile never leaves as you bring your other hand up to meet his face, pulling it down to your head to rest his forehead against yours.

"I love you" you whisper.

"Hm..." he hums with a slight chuckle sending a look of horror to your face. His laugh grows as he puts more pressure against your foreheads.

"I'm just teasing baby" he says moving his mouth to kiss your forehead as he pulls you up to sit with him, pulling his hand of your cheek to allow more balance on the way up.

"Just teasing" he repeats moving to kiss your cheek allowing another small smile to come up on your face as his hand meets your face again. He follows with small kisses peppering across your cheeks, forehead, nose, jaw line, and even some daring to your neck. All that's heard throughout your shared apartment is small giggles and the sound of his lips coming off of your skin.

"Hey princess" he says looking for some focus as he comes up to cup both your cheeks.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Your face goes an ungodly red.

"Hm?" you question, face blank, leaving him to chuckle to himself.

"I love you baby" he repeats giving you a warm smile leaning his forhead bacm against yours.

"I..." you smile back... "I love you too dabi" you whisper allowing his lips to come back to yours for one final kiss before your mouths are otherwise occupied scarfing down the pile of treats waiting for you on the counter.

"Pretty sweet huh?" you tease bumping your hips into his.

"Not as sweet as you baby" he replies a sweet smile spreading on both your faces as you match each other's gaze.

[hearteyesmcgarrett]

WIP Year in Review

Number of WIPs Begun this Year: 45 (including finished ones) that are actually more than just ideas or notes. Add like 4 that exist only in note format

Number of WIPs Finished this Year: 44! I dont post things unless im done with them lmao (I WROTE 44 FICS THIS YEAR???? HOLY SHIT)

Longest-Running WIP: again, i dont post things unless ive finished them so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if we count series though, i'm (theoretically) going to write more stargate kinkmeme fills, and that series is 8 works deep and was started back in July. I wanna write more anxious danny stuff too but that series was started years ago (I did add to it this year tho!)

Newest WIP: unnamed nick/monroe grimm fic inspired by a work i like. will theoretically be finished and posted eventually

Most Worked on WIP: I guess we'd have to go back to the kinkmeme series bc I finally finished whumptober earlier this month

Favorite WIP: honestly the kinkmeme has been a blast but im excited to add more to my anxious danny series. mcdanno will always have a special place in my heart

Favorite Completed Work: oh man this is tough!!! If i had to choose, I'd probably say You're the reason I dont want the world to end. it was written for the SGA server birthday bash, follows mcshep over the course of the series, and is the longest oneshot ive ever written. its different than my other works and was fun to do

WIP You're Most Excited to Finish: okay i havent even technically started it, but damn do i wanna create my Thunder Road mcshep series!!!

WIP You're Not Sure You'll Finish: will i ever write the SGA hockey AU???? your guess is as good as mine

WIP Resolution for 2024: write and finish the goddamn thunder road series. now that I'm done with whumptober maybe ill actually have the time and energy to write it.

I just wanna say a massive thank you to @spurious for tagging me in these every week even though i almost never actually participated lmao. joining the gaggle of sga writers on here has genuinely changed my life! i love you all dearly and you aggressively snapped me out of a 2.5 year writing drought. Ive had an absolute blast writing this year and i still cant believe i get to chat with folks whose work I ADORE <3 i can't wait to see what 2024 brings all of us and our ao3 accounts

[awesomesaucem]

Ayoooooo so i use ai text to speech to play back my writing to listen for any funkiness and I think i found the most realistic free one. Not trying to endorse anything or make any pro ai post or anything it was just cool as fuck to listen to this and go "holy shit i wrote that"

like it just sounds so professional you know?

anyway heres a quick little peak at chapter four of TWCIW because I need to share something to let you know i havent given up on this fic i promise!!

writing under cut

He swirled the brandy in his glass with a heavy sigh; his daughter’s words echoing in his mind. It should have been you. Lips curled up in a snarl, more angry with himself than the rest of the world, he tosses back the last of the dregs and reaches to pour another. It’s been almost a month since Marianne sailed away with Roland. Almost a month since he ignored each and every sign of trepidation in her eyes. The same girl who bounced on his knee in fits of contagious giggles was now left to the mercy of the tides. He supposed there were worse ways to go. But not many. The burn in his throat did little to soothe the one in his heart and dragging a calloused palm across his face blinked away the threat of tears as if he could will it. Marianne. The day she was born he swore the clouds parted the sky just for her. It was midfall and the Gods did not favor Summerland that season. Howling winds and thunderous hail sent everyone cowering, praying for a break in the turmoil as little Marianne’s wails were ready to mingle with her people’s. She never got the chance. Eerily, the rains stopped along with her arrival almost miraculously and her parents convinced each other she was their own tiny miracle. Her mother looked out her infirmary window at the sun peaking through the clouds; light glinting off the still churning waves, and tearfully thanked the realms. Marianne, they called her right then. Star of the sea. Wriggling and caked in viscera, even as a newborn she damn near fought anyone that dared to touch her. Shrill cries and writhing limbs, however small, fought their fight well and good to the coos that surrounded her. Dagda bowed to kiss his wife’s sweat matted forehead while his arms dwarfed both of his girls and he believed for the first time in his life that helped to put something good into the world. Now, he wasn’t so sure. “It should have been you,” his broken words echoed into the glass as it tipped back once more. “It should have been you.”

[cloudcountry]

ok ok OK OK. STAY FUCKING CALM. i had to chill the hell out before i read this so i could put my thoughts in order but i am CALM NOW.

i wrote so much shit omfg. hi post fic reading auburn here my state of mind has been permanently altered and i havent ever had breakfast yet. SOBS.

I JUST STARTED READING AND HOLY SHIT DID YOU BASE THIS OFF OF MY HATE RANTS BECAUSE THEYRE SO ME

Now you had to spend every day face to face with one of the most bothersome people at the school. You made your annoyance of him very clear, too. He was an anti-social shut in who somehow still thought himself better than everyone else despite being so pathetic he couldn't speak to someone face to face. How in the world was he supposed to be a talented mage?!

THAT WAS EXACTLY HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF AGO IM SOBBING AND GIGGLING AND CRYING KAJWSGKJSGDFKSJDGHFHKSJDF THIS IS SO GREAT ALRADY

omg..........no because the self reflection and realization that hes not that bad is so perfect bc theyre still so STUBBORN about it. its like once you hate someone you dont just go back from that, even if you start to see the better sides of them after seeing their worst. this is so good JSHJAKHJKHSJAD

OH FUCK A GROUP PROJECT. DAMN. and reader spaced out so they dont have a partner BUT IDIA DOES?>?? and hes offering to share his notes......what is bro playing at...........

omggggggg this is so ME turning everything he does into something rude even though hes being nice THIS IS SO ME. IM IN PAIN. my younger self is haunting meeeee PLS HE JUST GAVE ME POTENTIAL PARTNERS AND IM JUST LIKE. GRRRRR I HATEYOU RAHHHHHH

CATER IS DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. stop why did i immediately think they were schemeing maybe the reader really is me. NO BUT I FEEL LIKE THEYRE TRYING TO SHOVE US TOGETHER. SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY

Not on your life, Shroud.

"Yeah, sure."

FU-

THIS EXCHANGE IS SO FUNNY IM CACKLING AKSJGWSJKFGJSHEF

no something is up.....bro would not step outside for no reason......

aww he bought them a drink :(( wait thats so sweet WHAT IS HE DOING WHAT IS HE SCHEMEING.

NO FUCKING WAY HES INVITING THEM TO A MOVIE?>?? HELLO???? THATS LIKE ASKING SOMEONE ON A DATE ?!?!??!?!?!?!??!

"because now you were walking down the street in the middle of a surprise spring heat spell returning from seeing a movie with your number one enemy ever."

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

awww hes getting them a drink :(( me too i would also pass out from heat i would totally do that. THEYRE ME guys theyre me. HE GOT THE SAME DRINK THEY CHUGGED THE SHIT OUT OF AWW STOP HES SO SWEET..........

NOOOLOO SAJHHGSWEKWFIHGWSIUEFGOUEFOHUGBESGOUHGRWESGIUYBEDAFVOHIUGEADQFGIUOBESWDFGIYUGBAEQFIUGBHAEQFHOUEAFOHG8UFEADOH8IUFEADOHUAEDFZDGBOUIAKWFHBJHAEFVBIYGBQEAFIYGQAWFVBIGYQWEAFIYGAWDIGYBA HIS HAIR IS TURNING PINK OMFG KO ONE HIT SHOT IM DEAD IM GONE PINK HAIRED IDIA OMROFMOFGOMFGMOFMOFMOFGOMFGOMMOPFMOGMOFMOPGOMFOMGFOMFGOMMOGFMOGFOMFMOMOGFBMOFGMOGFGFOMGFRMOGJ CVASDEFSHYIGVBSADFCUOHIGBDFACEOUHBDASEFZCOUHEASDFZCVOLHIUSDFVZOLUIHWRSDFGOHUEWFRSGOHIUEFIYHAIYBDAEBIYUVDSAFIYGBEADFIYHBEADFVIHBYEFADIHBFEADVHIBEASDFGOHIBUFEADBOHEADFVBOUHGEADVHUOBGDFOUSHBFGVAEHBOUDSZVHUOBVDSBHOUEOSGRUHBHOUGSRBHORUSSRIGHUY

OMG THERE IT IS THE ONE SIDED HATRED. LOSER LOSER LOSER YOU COOKED YOU ATE YOU DID THE DISHES YOU SWEPT AND MOPPED THE KITCHEN FLOORS YOU DUSTED THE COUNTERS YOU GOT A NEW DISHWATER AND A NEW STOVE AND A NEW MICROWAVE IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND I ACTUALLY HAD TO GET UP AND PACE AROUND MY ROOM FOR A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING IM DYING RIP DEAD

Though through starring at his face, admitting your difficulty in keeping up your one sided rivalry, and being exposed to what you now could only see as genuine acts of generosity and kindness you were hit with a very quick, and very mind shattering realization.

You had feelings for Idia Shroud.

DEATH COUNTER: 3 AORUOGUOEWDISKFYUJTHDVEJSRKJTUIFYRTUDTSEYHGCVJBKJNLTURHIYDSUJTCAVBHNKSFGJLDHTUORFSIYEACVJGHKGBFSLJNDOURSDIYEAVCJGHAKBFSJLGODURIDSYHAJUSGCVHBKGJLNOURIYEDUASTGCHVJHGBKJNDLUOREIFYDSUEVCJBHFKGJURIYFEUDTGSCJVHBKJIRTEYFEUDVJCGBHKGIYFUDAVGSCJHITYEGFUSJVD

him stepping out of his comfort zone for them im gonna SOBBBBBBBBBBBB OOURGOURGUOROFUGOUFGUOROURGOU

And a perfect follow up, from here there was no way for Idia to counter your counter of his counter of your attack. He would have to take the hit with at least 3 times the damage now.

THE GAMER LINGOOOOOOOO FUCK YEAAAAA

i keep reading like 38427 paragraphs and forgetting to tell you what i think oops

"Did, past tense, also the possibility I didn't and was just angry because I liked you, the human mind is difficult to comprehend."

if thats not the truest thing ever.............

MORE PINK HAIRED IDIA IM BEING SO SPOILED TODAY MY HEART IS RACING AT 827364827364 KILOMETERS PER HOUR WHAT THE FUCKKKK KASJHGDJHSGDS HEART ATTACK????HELOO DOCTOR I AM SUFFERING FROM S HROOUD ??!!!!

THE SHRIEKS LEAVING MY MOUTH OMFG THEYRE HOLDING HANDS KJSHJHDSGFJDSGDSFDSFGDFGHJSDGHJSGJHDFHJGFGDHJGFHJSDGHJSFDGHJSFGHJGHJFSGHJHJGFDHJGSHJFFDJSGHFSGJSFGJHD ofmgfogofgomgflfgomfknkhbgyjuftsedghd

loser..................lloSER. WHEN I GET YOU. WHEN I GET YOUF OR THIS.

HIHI OK SO LOSER. HERE ME OUT PLS. GIGGLES!!!

IF REQUESTS ARE OPEN WOULD YOU MIND. SPINNING A LIL ENEMIES TO LOVERS/FRIENDS DIDDY FOR IDIA SHROUD AND A GN READER. I WILL KISS THE GROUND YOU WALK ON I SWEAR THIS IDEA HASNT LEFT ME ALONE SINCE I STARTED LIKING HIM. ITS OK IF NOT THOUGH OBVI!! MAKE SURE U TAKE UR TIME BESTIE AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF <333

this is the silliest reader ive ever written

The most annoying thing about attending a prestigious academy is without a doubt, pride. The deadly sin curses every individual at NRC, all of them having been told that they are destined for greatness, fate being on their side.

This obviously leads to some of the most egotistical bastards this side of the Shaftlands being cooped up all together in the same space. Also at the age where the dumbest decisions of maintaining self confidence are made.

To you, one of the many young adults cursed with being a general annoyance was Idia Shroud. You also happened to be sat right next to him.

Funnily enough Ortho was able to convince his older brother to begin attending his classes in person, a thoughtful gesture to his brother, but not to you!

Now you had to spend every day face to face with one of the most bothersome people at the school. You made your annoyance of him very clear, too. He was an anti-social shut in who somehow still thought himself better than everyone else despite being so pathetic he couldn't speak to someone face to face. How in the world was he supposed to be a talented mage?!

The most annoying part of it all was ever since he had started going out of his comfort zone he had also seemingly started to become slightly less of an ass. It was unfair. People aren't allowed to just change out of nowhere when you hate them, you're supposed to hate them!

It didn't matter anyway, Idia Shroud hated you so you were allowed to hate him, even if you suddenly started to see that he was a troubled man, untrusting because the world had wronged him before. It didn't matter if he was simply confident because of his talent that was truly better than others, he was rude anyway.

Idia Shroud hated you, so you hated hi-

"Um, hey?" A soft voice came from your left.

"Hm?" You were so caught up in your annoyance you hadn't noticed your surroundings at all. The rest of the class had already left. And Trein too for some reason? "Crap I was not paying attention for the end of the lecture."

You had said it to yourself, but the firey haired boy with his hood pulled over his head responded anyway. "Ah, I uh... I could share my notes with you...?"

What.

"...Uh, yeah sure, thanks. That'd...that'd be helpful."

You stood up from your chair, still dazed at the peculiar situation you found yourself in. Idia tapped on his tablet a bit before your phone pinged in your pocket, a notification of a shared document bright on the screen. Since when did Idia Shroud have your number? And since when did he help out others for no reason?!

You opened the document to skim through it quickly when something near the bottom caught your eye. A small footnote about a project. A group project. A group project without pre assigned partners.

Ah, that's it.

Once again you were proven right, Idia Shroud being his typical self. He didn't speak to anyone in the class so it's inevitable he had no one to do the project with, and was sharing his notes to try and guilt you into doing it with him by making you feel in his debt-

"The uh, the project at the bottom is groups of two. I think some of the people in the row who sit behind us don't have partners yet." Idia held his tablet close to him, glancing at the door.

"You already have a partner?" Impossible, he was probably just saying that to make you to be the one to ask to be in his group, to safe himself the embarrassment of having to ask.

"Yeah, Cater had already asked me to join his group. He said Trey had grouped up before he could ask him. Well, uhm, I have to go. Uh- you- you can message me if you have questions about the notes!" Idia ran out the door before you could say anything.

...

WHAT.

Something about that made your blood boil. It wasn't jealousy though, it couldn't be. No, no it was disrespect! He said that to be condescending, to brag! To shove it in your face that even a shut in like him could join a group before you. That was his plan all along! To share his notes to get you to ask about the project just to laugh at you for trying to ask to join his group. Well the joke was on him, you'd never be his partner, group project or otherwise!

---

You weren't able to join a group. Stupid Idia Shroud neglected to tell you that those 'people in the row who sit behind us who have partners' joined up outside of class time. And then he had the gall to apologize about you not joining a group as if he hadn't totally 100% planned this.

Suffering was endless and you were ready to give up. That was until Cater Diamond came waltzing up to your row, passing by you to talk to Idia.

"Change of plans, sorry Idia, Trey's partner joined a different group so I'm gonna work with him now. Good luck on the project!"

"Huh?! Wha-?! Cater, wait-!" Idia stared in dumbfounded shock as Cater skipped away leaving both you and Idia groupless. Well at least Idia was just as pathetic as you now.

Idia turned toward you after a moment. "Uh, did you want to be group partners...? Since...since neither of us have anyone to work with?"

Not on your life, Shroud.

"Yeah, sure."

FU-

Truthfully this was the best situation with the cards you had been dealt, likely you could get him to do any of the work you didn't want to, and you'd get a good grade with him as your partner. Doesn't mean you liked the situation, but still.

"Ah, there's a relatively new cafe nearby we could work at? It- it could be better than working in any of the dorms. If you want." Idia shifted a bit, and you couldn't tell what his goal with this was. Was he planning to force you to pay or something? Suggesting leaving and going anywhere was very unlike him. Something had to be up.

---

Eventually the two of you did go to the cafe to work on your project, and when you insisted on not getting anything and just focusing on working Idia bought you a drink anyway.

"I said I didn't want anything?" You pushed the cup away an inch, the drink was colorful, fading from a deep blue at the top to a light pink at the bottom. You weren't sure what flavor it could be.

Idia drank out of his own cup, a bright red drink that looked fizzier than your own. He added something to your project on his tablet at the same time. "I know but I, uhm, I felt uncomfortable being the only one with a drink. You don't have to drink it, just keep it in front of you." Idia paused a moment before adding a rushed "please" at the end.

So you did. For maybe a minute before you couldn't help taking a sip. It was fruitier tasting than you expected, but not citrus or sour. You pulled the cup toward you to move the straw from the pink section to the blue, noticing that the darker color tasted more like some berry you couldn't pinpoint than the pink had. Overall it tasted good. So good, in fact, you drank almost half of it before you remembered you were supposed to be working.

You glanced up at Idia to see if he had noticed you absolutely chugging whatever drink it was he had gotten you, but either he was pretending he hadn't, or he was really into this project. You noticed only a small amount had been drank from Idia's cup.

You were about to say something until you decided that if Idia wanted to waste his own drink, and his own money, than so be it. And with that you stuck your head back down to finish up this project and finally be rid of having to converse with the shut in outside of class hours.

---

Sure enough your project raked in a well needed high grade, even going so far as to be personally complimented by Trein himself. You figured that'd be the end of having to talk to Idia Shroud but Seven forbid because the universe had other plans for you.

'Would you like to go see a movie'

That wasn't exactly the way he had said it, it was a lot more unconfident, and there were a few pauses halfway through, but in the end phrasing didn't matter because now you were walking down the street in the middle of a surprise spring heat spell returning from seeing a movie with your number one enemy ever. It was a good movie too which made you even more mad. Now you'd have to think of him every time you saw it which is not what you wanted to happen.

"I am about to pass out from this heat. I'm sitting down a moment." You quickly flopped down on the nearest bench, fanning yourself with your hand. "How in the world are you not burning up in that hood, Shroud?"

Idia shrugged, slowly stepping away from where you were sitting. "I'll get you a drink, wait here."

"Huh, wha?" Once again Idia had left you before you could argue. He had paid for you guys to go to the movie, refusing to accept you paying him back much to your annoyance. You didn't want to be any more in his debt than you already were. You looked down, attempting to form at least a small shadow over your face, at the price of your neck, when a cold cup lightly touched the side of your face.

You jumped a moment before realizing it was Idia, and took the cup with a small 'thank you'. Once you looked at the cup properly you recognized the blue and pink colors of the cold drink, which felt particularly nice in your hands. You hadn't realized the two of you were near that cafe again, much less that they made drinks to-go.

"You, uh, you seemed to like it last time so I figured it was better to get you something I knew you'd enjoy." Idia's fingers played with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, as he glanced in every direction except for you. You looked back down at the drink again, noticing a small resemblance between the light pink if the drink and a light pink dusting the ends of Idia's bright hair.

"Stop being nice, I'm supposed to hate you." You couldn't stop yourself before you blurted out words without thinking, but you quickly caught yourself just a moment too late, slapping a hand across your mouth in shock of your own harshness.

"Huh-! I- what!?" Idia looked just as confused and shocked as anyone would, which made you rethink if he ever actually disliked you as much as you had thought. He quickly shook off his surprised state and gave you probably the most sarcastic look you had seen from him in weeks. "If you hate me why did you agree to be here...?"

"Ah...I dunno." The both of you stared at each other, growing more confused by the second. You couldn't explain your strange decisions and thought process even to yourself, let alone another person.

Though through starring at his face, admitting your difficulty in keeping up your one sided rivalry, and being exposed to what you now could only see as genuine acts of generosity and kindness you were hit with a very quick, and very mind shattering realization.

You had feelings for Idia Shroud.

Romantic ones. You thought they were hatred but no, thinking now you found certain aspects of him so endearing it made you angry in cuteness aggression. This asshole actually had the capacity to be very nice and kind and helpful and it was so charming it made you want to smack your head into a wall from overstimulation of good feelings.

Wait-

You had just went to the movies with him, where he paid, and now he just got you a drink from a cafe the two of you had already went to together. Activities that required exiting Idia's comfort zone for extended periods of time.

You couldn't help yourself, you had to ask. "Is this a date?" You almost shouted the question at him upon considering the possibility, and you half believed Idia was about to run away with how loud and generally chaotic you were currently being in your extremely confused state.

"Huh!? A- a wha-!?" Idia was giving you the same look you were giving him now both of you more confused than ever. This was definitely quite the confrontation.

"A date! Is it!? I mean it feels like it!" You set your drink down on the bench to stand up. You hadn't even gotten to take a sip yet, but there were more pressing matters.

Idia stuttered a moment longer, before falling silent and seemingly considering your question. "Did, did you want it to be?"

Ah, a counter. You could play this game. "Did you? You're the one who asked me to go see a movie with you."

And a perfect follow up, from here there was no way for Idia to counter your counter of his counter of your attack. He would have to take the hit with at least 3 times the damage now.

And he definitely knew, his eyes squinted in slight annoyance as he considered his answer, finally admitting defeat with a sigh. "Uh," he looked away from you, "sort of? I mean. I'd like that, but...but I'm sure you wouldn't so it's fine, it's nothing."

You were hit with another wave of shock, despite prodding him with the question expecting this exact answer. You quickly responded before he could continue to convince himself you wouldn't return his feelings.

"I'd like it to be a date too!" You stepped forward, reaching to grab his hand before hesitating. He might have wanted to be on a date with you, but that didn't mean he'd be comfortable with you touching him.

"I- you- uh- I thought you hated me?"

"Did, past tense, also the possibility I didn't and was just angry because I liked you, the human mind is difficult to comprehend." You waved your hand as though you could physically wave away his doubts with more than just your roundabout answers to his very solid questions. Despite this you watched as he let out a small laugh, causing you to crack a grin yourself.

You picked up your drink, looking at the horizon as the sun started to set, painting the sky in pinks and oranges that made the street extremely pretty, and drew out the blue of Idias fiery hair, painted with more pink than earlier.

A silent invitation to continue heading back to campus, the two of you began to walk, before Idia hesitantly slipped his hand in your own, intertwining your fingers with his.

"Did- did you want to go on another date next week?" Idia couldn't keep a straight face, failing to hide an excited grin as he asked his question.

You responded with the most sure and prideful answer you had that day. "Yes, definitely."

[scottspack]

LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES......: UNTAMED FIC REC PART 5

WELL HOWDY YALL! HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE! In my last fic rec, published on February 12, 2021, I made a joke about how one day I would get a job and wouldn’t be able to read 856 fics a day. I started another fic rec on April 21, 2021, and then promptly got my job back in early May, causing the fic rec to remain abandonded in my google docs for a year and a half. In that time I’ve moved across the country, settled in a new city, stanned BTS, and had many incredible professional and personal opportunities. And where has all of that brought me? Right back to untamed fic, apparently. This past week i got the itch and have been consuming untamed fic at unprecedented rates, which has inspired me to blow the e-dust off of my abandoned untamed fic rec, add in the shit i’ve read since then, and present it to you; anyone who still cares about the untamed in November 2022! (But mostly this is for @kerasines​, who enouraged me to do this, and @jlf23tumble​, who all of my fic recs are for, always.)

The rules to this rec are the same, but since it’s been a minute: these are in no particular order, they’re mostly wangxian, my favorites are marked with asterisks, and if you read any of these you are contractually obligated to come discuss them with me.

[jungkook bts voice] let’s get it!

The Fire Lapping Up the Creek by notevenyou (Wangxian, E, 66k) ***

Wei Wuxian travels to Lanling for his nephew’s one-month celebration alone, without Wen Ning.

Lan Wangji lives with the consequences.

Canon divergence au where lwj ends up joining the wen settlement and things play out differently from there. OKAY. Okay. I think this might be the last of the Really Big Fics in the fandom that I put off reading for whatever reason and GOD. DAMN. I should not have put off reading this. There is a reason this fic is Big and it’s because its SO GOOD!!!! One of those fics where every single chapter had me gasping out loud, crying real tears, and re-reading full paragraphs bc they were so GOOD. AHHHH!

2022 note: Some of these fics i havent returned to in the year and half since i was ass-deep in the untamed fandom. This is not one of those fics. This is a true, bonafide Classic that I’ve reread multiple times, and been impressed by every single time.

Last note: it wouldn’t be me if i didnt embarrass myself fully in a fic rec, but this author also has an absolutely AMAZING bts namgi fic if that’s something you’re into...actually...all of their bts fics are incredible...

Still in the Water by airgeer (Jin Ling & Lan Sizhui, background Wangxian, T, 45k)

A year after Jin Ling's early succession to the position of Sect Leader, a letter is delivered to him under strange circumstances. A night-hunt follows.

Hanguang-Jun shook his head, and played again. This time, the response was slower, almost coy.

“What did it say?” Jin Ling asked.

“Hanguang-Jun asked what it was doing here,” Lan Sizhui translated. “The response was ‘Waiting.’”

HOLY SHIT. this fic…..is bonkers. It’s another extremely interesting and action-packed case fic. Written in Jin Ling’s perspective, strange forces have been gathering the sect leaders to a strange town where they have to solve a mystery. When i tell you, this fic was the first ever untamed fic to made me cry for non-romance related reasons. It’s SO intense, and SO high-stakes my hands were literally SWEATING reading this shit. 10/10, would let it give me a panic attack again.

After the Final Rose by azurewaxwing (Wangxian, E, 55k)

(A talking-head interview. JIN ZIXUN, 36, entrepreneur.)

JZX: Oh, yeah, he’s a fucking catch, alright. He’s rich, he’s hot, he’s a Lan. Like, he’s been ranked number two among the local bachelors for years, and now that his brother’s seeing someone, he’s number one, right? So, yeah, of course I want to win.

Offscreen voice: Do you know anything else about him, besides that he’s rich and hot?

JZX: (shrugging) What else is there to know?

In which Lan Wangji agrees, reluctantly, to be The Bachelor, only to fall in love with Wei Wuxian, his cameraman/producer. Can the Bachelor find his way to a happy ending? And will The Bachelor: Lan Wangji be a ratings hit?

UM LMFAO!!!!!!!! Have I ever watched the bachelor in my entire life? Absolutely not. Was this au well written, thoughtfully planned out, and extremely interesting enough to make me not care? Yes oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!! I fully screamed through the entirety of this fic because it was so FUN! 

too much, not enough by Shamelesscooper (Wei Wuxian/Jiang Cheng, E, 14k) 

“Okay, so good news!” Wei Wuxian says, swanning into the room with just enough energetic cheer that Jiang Cheng knows whatever it is he’s going to say is going to be awful. “We figured out the nature of your curse! You’re probably not going to die! It’s not even going to hurt!”

“Yeah? And what’s the bad news?” Jiang Cheng gruffs, crossing his arms over his chest.

Wei Wuxian does a double-take, like he’d expected his (fake) good mood to fool Jiang Cheng. Like it’s ever managed to fool Jiang Cheng. His laugh is a little shrill, a little frenetic as he says, “Well, uh. You know our ghost friend back there? Yeah, she’s possessing you. Which is why...” He makes a gesture at the general area of Jiang Cheng’s... problem.

“Ah,” Jiang Cheng said, expression souring. “I’m not going to like the cure, am I?”

“You’re not going to like the cure,” Wei Wuxian nods.

-

Jiang Cheng gets cursed on a nighthunt. Wei Wuxian helps him with the cure.

It’s not one of my fic recs if there isn’t at least one (1) fic i feel deeply ashamed for reccing. Here’s that fic for this rec! Post-canon Jiang Cheng gets hit with a sex curse and wangxian, who are married, agree that wwx is the best one to help him out. This was very well written and made me very emotional and i’m always a sucker for yunmeng bros reconciliation, even if it’s in a form that could get me hashtag canceled.

Three Days and a Morning by snickersnacker (Wangxian, E, 14k)

“Do you know how annoying you are sometimes?” Lan Wangji asked, not unplayfully.

Wei Wuxian beamed. “Do you know how stodgy you are sometimes?” he replied.

“How stodgy was this?” Lan Wangji said with a tiny smirk, referring to what they’d just done together in bed.

Wei Wuxian conceded the point. “This has to be against at least one of your rules,” he replied.

Lan Wangji looked suddenly serious. “There are no rules against love.”

---

Between the lines of episodes 42-43, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji return to Cloud Recesses and finally figure things out.

Another episode 43 canon-divergence au that i really really enjoyed! Highlights of this one include wangxian crying about how much they love each other and a very fun sex scene, both of which are just *chefs kiss*

Let's take a ride round the curves of desire by feyburner (Wangxian, E, 5k)

Wei Ying was sprawled on the floor in front of the oscillating fan when Lan Zhan got home from work.

I’m still mad at feyburner for starting that really good wangxian star trek au and then never finishing it, BUT. this sweet little wlw!wangxian ficlet asuages the anger in my heart just a little bit.

2022 note: THE WANGXIAN STAR TREK AU HAS BEEN FINISHED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i will be soft in your heart by martyrsdaughter (Juniors OT4, E, 11k)

"You've been sitting on this," he said, "for five years? A little warning would be nice!" 

Sizhui's responding look was somehow both wicked and absolutely serene. Jingyi saw some of Zewu-Jun in it, which made him just... unfair. Unjust! Ridiculous! So attractive he once again wondered why he'd ever been invited to this relationship. Zizhen was there for moral support, obviously, and because he was too sweet to resist. Jingyi offered little of that.

"I didn't think you were unaware," Sizhui pointed out, as though he were merely reminding him of a pressing appointment. "After our last visit to Koi Tower, did you not ask me to, quote, 'fuck you until you forgot what Jin Ling's forearms look like'?" 

I can’t believe this is the first ever juniors foursome fic i've ever come across bc the material is RIGHT there, but it’s fine bc i've found it now! General plot is Jingyi/Sizhui/Zizhen have all been in a throuple for a while and finally get Jin Ling to join and it’s very cute and sweet and i love all my cute sweet boys!

The Ritual by nightwalker (Wangxian, E, 12k)

Lan Xichen asks Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to participate in a ritual for the protection of the Cloud Recesses. There may be some ulterior motives going on.

Wangxian have semi-not-really-public sex for the greater good of the Gusu Lan, as you do.

Crack me open, pour you out by Tenillypo (Wangxian, E, 16k)

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying says carefully, "do you truly not know you have been speaking?"

Lan Wangji claps a hand to his mouth and, to his horror, feels his mouth opening to answer despite having no intention to do so. Clamping it shut again takes a great effort.

OR

The one where Lan Wangji can't stop talking, and a mild amount of chaos ensues.

I bet you were like “damn, this far into a fic rec from liv and not a SINGLE post-canon-get-together-via-a-curse fic?” YOU FOOL. here it is! Lwj gets cursed to speak his mind! Three guesses as to what’s on lwj’s mind :)

can’t turn off what turns me on by sophiahelix (Yizhan, E, 2k)

The phone screen goes black, and he lies next to Yibo, feeling like he’s been turned inside out. As far as porn goes, it was barely even explicit, but the intimacy of the scene and knowing it’s something Yibo likes enough to watch over and over have left him stunned, not sure what to do next.

At long last, Xiao Zhan licks his lips. “That’s ��� what you want?”

It was so simple, but he can tell Yibo’s embarrassed as he clears his throat and mutters, “yeah.”

YIZHAN! For whatever reason, this smutty little yizhan one shot has stayed on. my. mind. And i’m not even someone who’s big into daddy kink. The power of sophiahelix i guess! WAIT SPEAKING OF…

yesterday, tomorrow by sophiahelix (Yizhan, E, 80k) ***

Before he’s even finished reading, Xiao Zhan knows this is the script, the one that could alter the course of his career. Not like Chen Qing Ling changed his life six years ago, catapulting him from a minor idol to a household name, or the way his more serious roles have slowly taken him to the upper echelons of dramatic actors. This is a love story, daring and bold, groundbreaking and unforgettable, if only he’s brave enough to do it.

So of course, eventually, they bring up the idea of casting Yibo as his lover.

In the summer of 2025, Xiao Zhan and Yibo reunite as the leads in a gay indie film, bringing their complicated offscreen history with them—and secret hopes of making things right.

AUTHOR SOPHIAHELIX DESERVES A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR THIS FIC. yo……. YO……. The premise is that yizhan are back together to film a gay indie movie where they play lovers SO IM SURE YOU CAN GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING. Boy howdy. This might damn well be one of my favorite fics of all time. I know some people aren’t into super long fics but if ever there were one i would urge you to give a shot, it’s this one. *lady gaga voice* talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular

2022 note: a year and a half later and i still think about this fic CONSTANTLY. i just think.......2025........it could happen.........

Pins and Needles by kisahawklin (Wangxian/Wen Ning, E, 7k)

Wei Wuxian works out how to give Wen Ning various sensory experiences. Of course this was always going to lead to sex.

It’s my fic rec and i’ll rec wangxian/wen ning fic if i want!!!!!!! I just think there’s nothing wrong with Wen Ning being appreciated in the way he deserves! Wen Ning stans make some NOISE!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky man by Onomatopoetikon (Wangxian, E, 3k)

“They really wore you down this time, huh, Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying asks as he removes the elaborate headpieces from Lan Wangji’s hair after dinner, his nimble fingers unlocking clasps and unpinning needles.

“Mn” he agrees, almost falling asleep already. “Good to be home.”

“It’s good to have you home” Wei Ying says, running his fingers through Lan Wangji’s freed hair and planting a kiss at the crown of his head. “Good to have you where I can take care of you.”

---

Lan Wangji returns home after some particularly exhausting Chief Cultivator duties. Luckily, Wei Ying takes care of him.

Just a lil tender love and pwp ! I think it’s nice for lwj to have a nice time with his husband who he’s very much in love with. Feels good on my heartstrings!

with intent by Lirazel (Wangxian, E, 10k)

Under other circumstances, it would make no sense for a healthy young cultivator’s golden core to be overwhelmed by mere cold, much less for qi infusions to be fruitless. But these caves and the tunnels that connect them are no ordinary place. This attack on Wei Ying--because that’s what it has to be--is intentional: this place, suffused with the presence of Lan Wangji’s ancestors, is attacking the presence of a stranger as automatically as a guard attacks a thief in the night.

The forehead ribbon isn’t enough.

After wangxian handfast in the cold pond cave to get past the Lan ancestors, lwj realizes that just tying their hands wasnt enough, they have to consummate their fake marriage :)

The dreamers. by orange_crushed (Wangxian, E, 17k) ***

“Stop mothering me,” Wei Ying protests. “Why don’t you ever listen?” He scowls at Wangji, but then the lure of the clean water is too much; he sits grumbling and strips off his vambraces and loosens the collar of his robes and wipes himself down in the steam. Wangji sits on a stool and watches him, and after a while Wei Ying slaps the rag into the bowl and glares back. “Are you going to sit and stare the whole time?” he demands. “You want to see me strip naked and give my filthy evil self a good scrubbing, huh?”

Yes, Wangji thinks.

[This is a story about a horrible war and a beautiful dream; about grabbing happiness where you can find it, and not letting go.]

An EXTREMELY interesting canon-divergence au where wangxian use a mindlinking spell early on in their relationship to fight better together but the connection between them is too strong and the spell doesn’t dissipate so they stay linked through the rest of canon. This one also had me gasping out loud on multiple occasions. 

2022 note: this has been a Frequently Revisited Fic over the past year and a half, it is just as shocking and intriguing every single time!

From my heart's ground. by orange_crushed (Wangxian, E, 38k)

After a while he can feel a palm against his face, gentle fingers soft and soothing. It’s not real, not exactly: he can tell the difference between a ghost’s touch and a living person’s, between a spirit-vision and an overactive imagination. His education has been thorough. But the beating has also been thorough, so for now he forgets what he knows and leans into it, into the hand cupping his cheek. It’s soft and dry as those forgotten petals, as the touch of a pillow. He can smell wildflowers, can taste blood and dirt. My baby, his mother says, and he closes his eyes. My treasure. He barely remembers the sound of her voice, but the feeling of it is just the same. Just the same as ever.

[In which Lan Wangji loses almost everything, plants a garden, and grows a second chance.]

Holy fucking shit, i just realized that this one and the last one are by the same person. Author orange_crush has an absolute GIFT for mind-boggling canon-divegence aus oh my GOD. This one is lwj post-wwx’s death discovering some of his mother’s old things in the jingyi and using them to extremely surprising results. I think about how crazy and brilliant this fic is literally all of the time. Insanity. I love it. 

bless my soul (i'm losing control) by aroceu (Wangxian, E, 31k) ***

Wei Wuxian returns from the Burial Mounds as a vampire.

WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN. A full canon-divergence au following vampire wwx post-burial mounds. I’ll give you one guess as to who offers to be his lil juice box :) Little known fact about me, i LOVE a good vampire au, and am frankly astounded that this is the first one i've come across for wangxian, but i’m not complaining bc this one fucking SLAPS. I’ve read it three times.

2022 update: i’ve read this WAY more than three times at this point

Brilliant Mistake by brooklinegirl (Wangxian, E, 53k) ***

"Fine," Wen Qing says, turning back to Wei Ying. "You're pregnant."

Lan Zhan feels his mouth drop open and has to work to shut it.

Wei Ying reacts not at all. He's swinging his feet where he's sitting on the table, a bored expression on his face.

Wen Qing just looks at him. "I am not joking about that."

Wei Ying stops swinging his feet. He blinks several times in a row. "Wait," he says.

Or:

I woke up at 3AM and sent myself an email that just said:

Modern cultivation friends curse sexy pollen hook up desperate WWX gets pregnant

And then I wrote it. In three weeks. IDK.

[deep shuddering inhale] MY NEW FAVORITE FIC, BITCH!!!!!!!! Remember back when i was like “omg so weird that i read a wangxian mpreg au, i’m never into mpreg aus.” and “omg so weird that i read a wangxian modern au, i’m almost never into modern aus” well when i’m wrong, i’m wrong. If brooklinegirl wants to write a modern cultivation mpreg curse fic then OF COURSE I WILL READ IT. What i didnt expect was for it to be so good that i read it FIVE (5) more times. But sometimes that’s just how life goes. If you’ll excuse me, i’m going to go read this again. 

2022 note: according to ao3 I’ve now read this FOURTEEN TIMES. So. If that’s not my gold stamp of approval on a fucking mpreg fic, idk what is. Life is full of surprises.

like the paradise found by occultings (Wangxian, E, 4k)

It isn’t often Lan Zhan finds herself at strip clubs.

If i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: madame occultings can do no wrong in my eyes. A modern wlw!wangxian au where wwx is a stripper and lwj has a gift card. Let the congregation say amen.

a history of the body by northofallmusic (Wangxian, E, 14k)

Wei Ying's body hurts sometimes; she lets Lan Zhan help her.

A fic about the complicated nature of having a body, and also the versatility of sex toys.

A nice little wlw!wangxian modern au where they get together and have nice sex about it. Chicken soup for the soul.

A Sure Thing by mrsronweasley (Wangxian, E, 95k)

The message says, I require exclusive commitment as well as flexibility. You may spend the night, but not always. I will be the one to keep the schedule of our meetings.

Wei Ying crunches on a chip thoughtfully, then takes a deep breath and writes back, What do I get in return?

This was a trip and a half. A modern au (who am i) where lwj becomes wwx’s sugar daddy. Another instance of “if mrsronweasley (2022 note: who now goes by vesna??? how long have i been gone...) writes it, i will come.” Who am I to turn my nose up at 95k of excellent writing and delicious pining from the queen herself?

all I find is you by daltoneering (Wangxian, E, 10k)

There’s some cruel irony at work here, that the only inn for days would be off-limits to him. It has been months now that he’s been travelling, months since the last rays of sunlight brushed a Gusu mountaintop golden and he wrenched himself away and out into the world, months since he’s seen—well. What are months compared to years. What are years compared to a lifetime.

;

Wei Wuxian has been on the road for months, without a conscious end goal in sight. He isn’t expecting to find what he was looking for in a fully-booked-out inn in the back of beyond.

God is good but a 436th soft and tender post-canon get-together fic is better! This fic has it all: a chance meeting, a fully booked in, BED SHARING, lan wangji with braided hair, the works!

i'm the one for your fire by occultings (Wangxian, E, 43k) ***

Wei Ying, virgin and noted heterosexual, gets hit with a curse of an unusual nature on his 30th birthday — through physical contact, he can read the minds of others around him.

Enter Lan Zhan, hot former rival and current coworker, whose true thoughts about Wei Ying are nothing like he expects. (A loose Cherry Magic AU)

This is a modern au based off of a show that i think is japanese, but im not 100% sure, that’s about a curse where if youre a virgin when you turn 30 you can read people’s mind by touching them, which is an INFINITELY fun premise, so imagine my fucking delight when i realized this was written by MADAME OCCULTINGS!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!!! This fic is so fucking good, another one i've read multiple times already. I may have to formally rescind my statement that i don't read modern aus.

2022 update: this fic has become such a STAPLE to me that i was genuinely shocked to have found it on this unfinished fic rec. READ THIS SHIT!!!!!!! (Also I absolutely have to rescind my no-modern au stadnpoint. I do in fact love a good modern au now. People change!)

flux by SugarMilkTea (Wangxian, E, 60k)

When Wei Ying receives a strange figurine in a rural Gusu village, he thinks nothing of it. Ten months later, he finds himself walking a familiar path.

Ten months spent on the road. Ten months away from Lan Zhan. Ten months after they parted on that ridge in Gusu, Wei Ying comes home.

Another DOOZY of a post-canon-get-together-via-a-case fic. This time there are body swaps. There are ancient deities. There are strange old ladies. I read this feverishly in one sitting bc every single chapter i was like “wait WHAT.” Good good case fic antics.

2022 note: I went to link to the author’s ao3 and they have ORPHANED THIS FIC!!!!! the passage of time is cruel and ruthless.......

Pull out game weak by 74243 (Wangxian, E, 23k) ***

Wei Ying swipes right.

2022 note: i deleted my entire comment on this fic because it simply did not come close to expressing the cultural impact of ao3 user 74243. They showed up at the end of 2020. Wrote some of the filthiest lesbian wangcxian smut fics ive ever read. And then disappeared at the end of 2021. This fic in particular is my favorite of theirs, but honestly if you read it and are into it, i highly reccommend checking out all of their works. i..... [sweats]

Superfan by 74243 (Wangxian, E, 19k) ***

“I’m not going to apologize for my job,” Wei Ying said, “so if you want to give me some kind of lecture--”

“No,” Lan Zhan said. “You misunderstood. I am...” she paused, as if considering the best way to put it. “I’m a fan.”

Okay actually im also going to specifically throw this one on here bc its my other fave of theirs and ive read it...many times. This author kicked off what i can only refer to as a dyke lan zhan renaissance that has truly stood the test of time.

OKAY SO. There are the 26 fics that I had on my fic rec back in April 2021. INSANE. I was sitting on gold! Despite not keeping up with fic recs, i have actually read a fair amount of untamed fic over the time i’ve been gone, and especially in the last week, SO HERE THEY ARE! [OPRAH VOICE] YOU GET A FIC! YOU GET A FIC! YOU ALL GET FICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

miss me once the thrill expires by idrilka (Wangxian, E, 12k)

“Lan Zhan, explain one thing to me,” Wei Ying says as they make their way through the woods. “What is it about people saying, don’t go into the abandoned, potentially evil shrine, that makes teenagers immediately go into the abandoned, potentially evil shrine?”

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan team up to investigate a curse. It doesn't go quite according to plan.

i HAVE to start with the fic that kicked off my untamed fic rennaissance! my favorite untamed author, madame idrilka, recently started posting all of her fics on tumblr with fun graphics and to my utter surprise 1. i was already following her and 2. SHE POSTED A FIC I HAD NEVER READ BEFORE!!! if there’s any proof that god is good all the time, its idrilka posting a modern cultivation get-together-via-a-curse au. *chefs kiss until my fingers fall off* i owe you my life!

Better When We're Together by emmagrant01 (Jingyi/Sizhui, E, 64k) ***

In a universe where Wei Wuxian did not leave the Burial Mounds after settling there with the Wens and managed to live peacefully ever after, Jingyi grows up in the Cloud Recesses alone. Then one day, Hanguang-jun takes him to meet an old friend, and the course of Jingyi’s life changes.

OKAY SO. One of my favorite fics of all time is this 285k behemoth of an omgcp fic that genuinely is one of my most well-written and amazing pieces of fiction that ive ever read. so IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when i went to check in on miss emmagrant01 and found that she’s WRITING UNTAMED FIC NOW!!!! GOD. IS. GOOD. ALL. THE. TIME. this fic yall.........i truly cant sing it’s praises enough. there is so so so much good shit here. sizhui being raised more fully by wwx, jingyi being raised by wwx, childhood friends to lovers, wen qing is there. it has the works. PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THIS FIC AHHHHHH

good friends by plonk (Wangxian/Nie Mingjue, E, 11k)

“I could invite her over for when the game’s done,” Nie Mingjue offers.

Lan Zhan hums, considering it.

They do that sometimes. Take omegas down together.

now listen.........like i said. ao3 user 74243 kicked off a dyke lan zhan era in untamed fic. and my most controversial love-to-hate author plonk wrote this fic FOR ao3 user 74243. is it a modern au? yes. is it also a fucking abo au? yes. have i read it many times bc im gay and it’s hot? WE DONT NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!! read it or dont, im not your mother! gosh!

Wrong to Say by easilyexcited (Wangxian, E, 5k)

When Wei Wuxian starts talking about how small his own dick is, Lan Wangji is...confused.

i actually found this fic for an anon of Jen’s recently and remembered that i liked it! not to pretend this is anything other than smut, but there are some fairly interesting character study bits for a 5k fic about wwx’s degradation kink

A storm without a warning by Spodumene (Wangxian, E, 22k) ***

Wei Ying loves his life. He wouldn't change a thing.

Change is like a storm. It comes anyway.

UGH man. this fic. talk about fics that made my hands sweat and my stomach flip from the sheer levels of YEARNING AND LONGING. realizing right here right now that this rec will have the most modern aus of any of them. oh how the turntables!

My stranger in the dark by becka (Wangxian, E, 20k)

Wei Ying, bartender at the Unclean Realm nightclub, likes making small talk with mysterious and beautiful Lan Zhan when she comes to the bar. It's a little bit of shock to find out that her favorite customer is a vampire involved in a fight for the safety of the club.

ANOTHER modern au, but this time they’re lesbians and lwj is a vampire. the spice of life!

bend me back, send me flying by  occultings (Wangxian, E, 9k)

It takes longer than it usually would for Wei Wuxian to catch on; the waiter’s mortified, flushed face, the couple with their hands under each other’s robes. The unusual warmth in his belly he has thus far, this evening, chalked up to his feelings for Lan Wangji.

“Oh!” Wei Wuxian says when the realization strikes him. It hits him so strangely that he hears himself laugh, even though the situation isn’t funny. Maybe it will be, someday. But tonight, he — oh.

—

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji get served the wrong pot of tea.

Newly married wangxian + aphrodisiac tea + madame occultings writing = *chefs kiss*

No Compasses, No Signs by brooklinegirl (Wangxian, E, 36k)

The old woman looks at Lan Zhan. "What's his name?"

Lan Zhan looks down at the man's pale, slack face, and presses his own hand against the cut, trying to staunch the blood flow with his glove. "Wei Ying," he says without thinking about it.

The man stirs slightly in his arms, his eyes blinking open for a moment. "Oh," he says faintly. "It's you."

Lan Zhan stares down at him, the stranger in his arms, whose name is Wei Ying. Which is something Lan Zhan knows. How does he know that? How does—he can't—this isn't—

"It's okay," Wei Ying says, reaching up to pat vaguely at Lan Zhan's face. "It's all—" His eyes slip closed again and he's limp in Lan Zhan's arms.

modern soulmate au that was VERY intersting and engaging! that’s love bitch!

sweet talker by vesna (Wangxian, E, 19k)

There's an unfamiliar middle blocker on the opposite team, one they've played a thousand times. "I've never seen her before." And Wei Ying is pretty sure she would have remembered her.

"That? I don't know her name, I think she's new to the team." Wen Qing assesses the woman. "I bet she's trouble. Look at how tall she is."

Well, yeah, she's a middle blocker. Wei Ying bets her height is what got her the position. She's tall and she's, like…super cool. Her dark hair is pulled up into a tiny pony at the crown, revealing an undercut underneath, and she's lean and muscular. She must notice Wei Ying's gaze on her because she shifts where she's looking and looks directly at Wei Ying. Wei Ying grins and waves, but the woman just skitters her gaze elsewhere, pursing her mouth. Hmph. Well. Rude.

When i said there was a modern au dyke lwj renaissance, i meant it! even vesna, aka fandom great mrsronweasley, jumped on the trend to AMAZING results. this made me sweat. when will dyke lwj dick ME down???

Let's Get Real, Baby by vesna (Wangxian, E, 22k)

If Wei Ying had been asked “what sort of pajamas does Lan Zhan wear to bed?” her answer might have been: something utilitarian, like shorts and a t-shirt. Or maybe a set of striped pajamas, like the kind grandpas wear. It would never, in a million years, have occurred to her to say “a slinky silky lacy cami and tiny shorts set,” but that is what she is currently staring—gaping—at as Lan Zhan makes her way from the bathroom to her side of the hotel room.

oh ho ho ANOTHER modern wlw wangxian au by the former mrsronweasley! not dyke lwj particularly, more girl boss powersuit lwj, but it still hits!

give me one good honest kiss by occultings (Wangxian, E, 16k)

The text keeps flashing over and over in Lan Zhan's head like the bulb lights on a marquee. They’d been talking about homework directly before that, swapping notes on music theory in the baroque period. Then, like a fork of lightning out of a clear blue sky: wanna practice kissing? 😚

—

Wei Ying suggests an arrangement. Lan Zhan, in love, deals.

i guess this is the modern wlw wangxian au rec????? the further back i get in my ao3 history the more i realize that the bulk of wangxian fic i’ve read in the last year and a half has been wlw shit. im not complaining!!!!! this one was great, STEEPED in gay pining! delicioso!

mercy, tear it down. by orange_crushed (Wangxian, E, 31k)

“You want me to call you good?” Wangji says. “To make you feel good?” Wei Ying makes a wretched, soft, surprised sound in the back of his throat. “Then will you be good?”

“Uh,” Wei Ying says. His lashes flick down again, nervously. “Good how?”

Wangji hasn’t quite thought that far ahead.

i really like this fic!!! wangxian fall into a bdsm relationship after wwx comes back Wrong from the burial mounds, then evolves into a pretty interesting canon divergence fic. ive reread this a couple times bc the tension is great and this author has such interesting ideas about canon divergent elements!

Love Don't Belong To Me by airinshaw (Wangxian, E, 29k) ***

Ten years ago Wei Ying was forced to disappear from his own life, changing his name and hiding from everyone he loved. Then on his birthday he runs into Nie Huaisang, who invites himself to Wei Ying's birthday party.

The clash of old and new lives freaks Wei Ying out, and he ends up drunkenly agreeing to call Lan Zhan to tell him that he was the love of his life.

But now that Lan Zhan has contact details for Wei Ying, he won't let it go.

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW. THIS FIC. like the summary says this is a modern no-magic au where wwx disappears for 10 years to start a new life and then drunkenly hits lwj up one night. i cant emphasize how much every part of this fic was a punch to the gut, had me gasping, crying, screaming, throwing up, etc etc! ive reread this so many times bc its just SO emotional!!!! AH!

estuaries by vesna (Wangxian, E, 34k)

Wei Ying's back is to him, but Lan Zhan would know him anywhere. His hair is tied into a low ponytail, messy, as always. It's longer now than it was three years ago, snaking down his back, ending just above his shoulder blades. With him is a child—a boy—who's holding onto his hand and looking up at him with his eyebrows furrowed, one finger stuck in his mouth.

Lan Zhan feels utterly foolish peeking from behind a display case at them, but he's rooted to the spot. He cannot move.

another modern no-magic au! this one is pretty angsty but it has a happy ending and i love a kid fic so this one got me good!

got your way with me by vesna (Wangxian, E, 51k)

It doesn't hit Wei Ying until the third time it happens. In his defense, he's not running on all cylinders, and definitely only on four hours of sleep. So if all he's noticed about the guy sharing the elevator with him for the third time in two weeks is his hotness, who can really blame him?

But now that he's looking a bit more closely, as the guy stares resolutely at the number display ticking up, he sees the telltale signs: slightly rumpled collar on an otherwise pristine outfit, bags under his eyes—not so noticeable that they are instantly apparent, but there if you look closely enough—kiss-bitten lips, and (the most damning evidence of all) a hickey blooming just under his ear.

This guy is coming back from a hookup of his own.

we’re in modern no-magic au mode okay, but this time its a fwb au! LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I Wish You Would by brooklinegirl (Wangxian, E, 52k)

Lan Zhan takes a breath. His hands are in fists on his thighs. He stares down at them hopelessly, then carefully unclenches them, one finger at a time, before taking another breath and reaching for his lukewarm tea. He'll go out, tomorrow. Maybe in the late afternoon. Something quick. Something easy. He'll text his brother first, the short note of when he should be home, so he'll know to track him. He'll be fine, just like he said.

i think this might be the last of the modern no-magic aus i have for this part! in this one wwx finds out that his long term boy best friend lwj FUCKS and it sends him into a late in life gay sprial. love it!

Not What We May Be by brooklinegirl (Wangxian, E, 30k) ***

It's Lan Zhan, standing tall, his hand gripping his sword. Has his hairpiece gotten even more elaborate? Or has Wei Wuxian just forgotten how stately it is? He's at the forefront of the group of Lan cultivators and if the pulsing darkness pushes Wei Wuxian's eyes away, then Lan Zhan draws them like there's nothing else worthy of looking at.

Wei Wuxian shakes his head at himself. He's been on the road too long. He's thinking in lines of poetry.

back to my origins, this is a really really really good case fic. another one where the case plot is intriguing and engaging and the wangxian plot is VERY sweet and romantic and satisfying. as far as case fics go this gets a 10/10 gold star!

Give Me a Chance to Fall by brooklinegirl (Wangxian, E, 38k)

Jiang Cheng just blows his breath out and rolls his eyes right back at Wei Wuxian. "Stop being an asshole," he says. "You're lucky this is being set up for you. Do you know how many people would die--literally die--to get the chance to be betrothed to Lan Wangji?"

"Betrothed." Wei Wuxian rolls the word around in his mouth. "It even sounds stupid."

Or, an arranged marriage canon-divergent fic where the war doesn't happen, the golden core loss doesn't happen, but Jiang Fengmian and Madame Yu still die, Jiang Cheng is the sect leader, and Lan Wangji is still called Hanguang-jun because, well, look at him.

okay i already KNEW brooklinegirl is a powerhouse in the fandom and has written many of my favorite untamed fics but i just realized the last two fics and a couple other in this rec were ALSO by her, CMON QUEEEEEEN! love that she can write diverse many different types of stories and they’re all so interesting and emotional and engaging. this is my little love letter to a03 author brooklinegirl. ANYWAYS this fic is a no-war wangxian betrothal au that made me blush multiple times because it was SO sweet and romantic and i had an absolute blast reading this. I’LL STOP DESCRIBING BROOKLINEGIRL FICS AS SWEET AND ROMANTIC WHEN THEY STOP BEING SO FUCKING SWEET AND ROMANTICCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!!!

a light hidden and singing by  occultings (Wangxian, E, 48k)

Since he was a child, since Lan Wangji had first become aware of his own alienating effect on others, he has long resigned himself to a loveless marriage. Perhaps even a companionate one, so long as his partner was agreeable and unbothersome and let him have his own space.

He could not have even begun to predict Wei Wuxian.

(A canonverse arranged marriage fic.)

OKAY! We’re ending it on ANOTHER betrothal au by the amazing madame occultings. this was really so good, the flirting, the uncertainty, the pining, all very well written, in-line with canon, and just all around enjoyable to read! saturated in longing without making me want to bash wangxian’s head together, which is a feat in itself! madame occultings can do no wrong!

THERE YOU HAVE IT. AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF. I PRESENT TO YOU: 1.3 million words across exactly 45 fics. Even though i dont have the time to hyperfixate on the untamed anymore, it has continued to be something i enjoy reading and revisiting when i can. even to this day, there is an embarassment of riches when it comes to the untamed fandom whether thats fic writers, fan artists, or gif editors. i am so thankful to the untamed for getting me through lockdown, keeping me busy while i was unemployed, teaching me so many new things, and letting me make so many new friends. i cant say for certain this will be my last fic rec ever, but it’ll definitely be my last for a while. thank you for reading! i love you!

[saintobio]

i´ve been waiting for so long to leave an ask here :d. i really love sn and its one of my favorites series rn, i really adore how you put the characters and the amount of detail and work that you put in it is the best and makes me think that this would look in the big screen or something like that cuz ive never seen a plot so messy (in a good way haha i really love the twists and development to every single character including the ones that dont play a huge role into the novel) hope i can read++

++ more of it and see what is gonna be at the end !! <33 im glad i found this work ( ill tell u my final thoughts at the end of the series or at least at the end of the 1st season haha)

@japanesevenom said

saint holy shit it’s been a while since I’ve caught your inbox after reading a chapter and I’ve got to say…. I’m speechless I having nothing to give apart from tears and the broken pieces of my heart god damn I mean we knew it all from the start but I’m still really hurt by the revelation honestly you’re going to give me a heart condition it’s not healthy for my heart to hurt this much I feel like It’s caged in metal im crying

But oh my god I love sad desperate satoru it’s truly questionable how much I reread his reaction to the divorce announcement and now to this something about men when they’re begging for forgiveness and professing their love that hits different well I love u

Damn… at least we had lots of fluff on his birthday now we got to figure out custody of the baby my god

Anonymous said

This isn’t really an ask but thank you so much for writing Sincerely Not, I never knew a post that I happened to fall upon at 3 am one morning would take over about 4 months of my life. It’s crazy that it’s coming to an end and I’m excited to see what you have in store for us readers !! Take care 💛💛💛

Anonymous said

im nervous for sn2 omg >///< also tmi was listening to this song "i love you so - the walters" and reminded me of sn ❤️ thank you sm for the great series saint!!! i hope ur getting enough rest stay safe 💟

Anonymous said

i haven’t been able to interact or read the latest chapters because of uni but just wanted to check in! hope you’re doing good and that your days are well Saint!

-🦢

@natsukashii-ai said

Yayy!! finally! i just wanted to addressed your AMAZING work for “sincerely not” wow such a treat 💖 keep the good work sweetie ✌🏻

Anonymous said

i havent written an ask in so so so so long because i know you have a lot on your plate and didnt wanna add to it but i just want you to know that your works are absolutely amazing, ik you hear it from many people already but i just wanna say i appreciate you a whole lot. you stories are fucking amazing i dont know how many times I've reread all of them already. sincerely not keeps me going lately its something that i look forward to every week something that makes me wanna get up everyday 😭😭 i love u and ur works so much words arent enough!!

@sin-with-quiche said

I just want to say I'm a huge fan of this story. I love everything you put into it. The thought, the dedication, the love. I'm sure us readers can feel all of it. I recommended this to my friend, and she absolutely loves it too. We fangirl & discuss about the story! I swear to God, you have first class material to make this into an excellent drama! Do take care of yourself, and don't mind the negative remarks. I love you & your work so much!!! <3(btw I sent another ask long ago, hope u read it!)

THANK YOUUUU SO MUCH 😭😭😭 sn1 is ending soon and i’m really grateful for the love u guys have given this series <33 i appreciate the feedback and support !!

[negandarylsatisfaction]

[SUMMARY: Rick's daughter Melody cant stop thinking about Negan. The two developing a connection before she learns the truth of what Negan had done to Glenn.]

Smut

Negan and Melody PART TWO

It had been about two weeks since you saw Negan. Two whole weeks yet you couldnt stop replaying what happened between the two of you. Sucking your teeth you cursed at yourself for even continuing to think about what happened. You werent interested to see anymore of Negan, at least that's what you tried convincing yourself. It was hard fighting the thoughts in your head, just how much control you had over Negan for that moment until he climaxed. With a sigh you walked out and decided to help Michonne that day with her daily duties. As you walked past where Negan was held captive, you couldnt help but keep your eyes on the door not having any idea your father would catch you. This was the second time now that your father caught you looking at the jail cell in a strange manner. Brushing it off he went about his day as you did.

Negan continued to wake up each day with a hard on, thinking of you and what you did. Truth be told it was hard for him to ask you to leave when he did, Negan felt comfortable having conversation with you. He appreciated that you didnt treat him like an animal locked away, although you didnt know why he was in the cell, the sight of him in the cell didnt make you treat him any different. He wondered if any bit of you would think of coming by to see him, he wondered if you thought about what you did to him. He replayed it in his head only in his head it didnt end with you leaving. He lay in his bed when he suddenly heard the voice of a man calling your name through his window.

"Hey Melody, wait up!"

You turned to find Fred running towards you. Fred was one of the new guys who entered Alexandria within the last month. Since his arrival you noticed how much he looked at you and how much he would try to talk to you. Being distracted in your head with the whole Negan situation you didnt realize that maybe this guy had a crush on you.

"Where you headed to?" Fred asked out of breath as he caught up to you.

"I'm just going to check on the kids, sometimes I help Anne with the classes."

"Maybe I can accompany you."

Negan frowned as he overheard Fred's suggestion.

"I mean, sure if you want to." You smiled at Fred not having any idea the two of you were being heard.

"You look really cute in that shirt by the way." Negan sat up at Fred's compliment and looked up at the window. He wondered if you were wearing that same black top you had when you came to see him. The same black top that showed just enough of a peak at your plump breasts. He made a dirty look knowing this man was probably thinking the same as him when he saw you in that top. Negan stood up on top of a box and put his ear closer to the window continuing to hear the conversation.

"Thank you," you giggled looking down at your shirt suddenly remembering this had been the same top you wore when you saw Negan. You remembered how he couldnt get his eyes off it.

"You alright?" Fred asked noticing you blank out in thought.

"Yeah of course. Lets go, Fred." You smiled before walking off with him.

"Fred huh" Negan mumbled to himself as he stepped down. It striked a nerve of jealousy in him that he didnt understand. Negan didnt even know who Fred was. He lay back down with his hands behind his head brushing off the matter, well he tried to at least. He knew he had asked you to leave but he wondered if this new guy Fred is what kept you from even trying to see him.

The next day you came outside to find your father and the others holding up the fence in the entrance. A few walkers attempted to make their way in but thankfully they were stopped.

"Melody!" You looked to the side and found Gregory, the same guard that let you in to see Negan the last time calling for you.

"Melody, I need your help-" he suddenly handed you a tray of food and threw a set of keys at you.

"What?"

"I need you to give Negan his food, I have to help with the entrance."

"What? I'm not going in there, my dads not even calling for you." You insisted with confusion.

"Listen they need a hand from the outside, now unless you want to do that just take Negan his stuff I'll be back quick." Before you could respond Gregory ran off making you sigh. The last thing you wanted to do was see Negan. Looking around to make sure nobody would see you, you quickly snuck inside and locked the door behind you. You could feel your heart rate go up as you walked down the dark hall. You found Negan sitting back against the wall reading a book. The sound of you entering made him look up and raise his brows.

"Well look who's back," he spoke in his usual cocky tone as you rolled your eyes.

"Dont flatter yourself, Gregory asked me to do this favor." You shoved the tray under the cell as he put the book down and stood up.

"Now dont tell me you dont want to see me." He teased as he stepped close to the bars.

"I don't." You snapped back.

"Why not? Your boyfriend Fred might get jealous?" He grinned.

"Hes not my boyfriend-wait how do you even-" Negan interrupted you with a deep chuckle.

"What the hell do you care anyways?" You squinted your eyes at him.

"Mmmm..I thought a new man caught your eye, sweetheart."

"Again. What the hell do you care?"

"Maybe I missed you." He slowly licked his bottom lip with a smile. You scoffed rolling your eyes in response.

"I mean I know I told you to leave, doll but shit you broke my heart. Thought youd be back."

"Well you thought wrong." You crossed your arms confidently until he squinted his eyes at you.

"You've been thinking about me too, havent you?" He teased.

"N-no, I havent actually." You lied and you werent even good at it.

"You sure? You don't think about what you did to me? Or better...what I wanna do to you." He spoke seductively watching as your lips parted.

"Because I do. I think of it every fucking day."

You took a deep breath knowing damn well that's exactly what you had been thinking since you last saw him.

"Why are you telling me this?" You whispered slowly.

"Cause I want to fucking see you." He blurt out leaving you silent. Truth was, you wanted to see him too but did your best to fight the thought out of your head.

"Do you?" You asked when you suddenly heard the door open behind you and your heart sunk.

"Melody, what the hell are you doing here?!"

You turned to find your dad angrily walking towards you.

"Dad-" you gasped.

"Oh shit..." Negan muttered to himself with a smirk as he realized who Rick was to you.

"I want you out of here-"

"Dad let me explain!"

"Go to your room. Now!" He yelled so loud it made you jump. Negan frowned hearing you tear up before you ran out of the room leaving only him and your father alone together.

"So that's your daughter, huh?" Rick looked at him with intense eyes afraid to even know what he was thinking of you.

"Pretty girl-"

"Watch your mouth!"

Negan couldnt help but laugh in response, knowing the daughter of the man that has him locked up was the one that jerked him off.

"Its no wonder she likes me-"

"She doesnt like you, dont speak of my daughter."

"Oh but I think she does." Negan responded in a cocky manner.

"Your daughter and I actually got to know each other quite a bit and I think she likes that I dont treat her like a fucking kid. I mean shes not...shes a whole lotta woman." A slow grin appeared on Negans face making Rick bang his gun on the bars.

"I'm going to warn you, when it comes to my daughter you really dont want to cross me." With that being said Rick left the room and ran to find you.

In your room sitting on your bed nervous you knew you would be hearing from your father any minute.

"Stupid Gregory," you muttered to yourself wondering why he let your father get back to the prison first. As you sat staring at the floor your father barged in angrily. Rick stood in place for a moment staring down at you disappointed before he began to speak.

"You're going to have a curfew from now on."

"Dad. I'm already locked in Alexandria-"

"How long have you been seeing Negan?" He cut you off bluntly.

"I havent...today was the first time." You lied making him sigh.

"Melody you have to understand that man is dangerous, hes locked up for a reason."

"And you cant even tell me why." You shot back crossing your arms. Your father stood silent staring down at you, he couldn't bring himself to tell you the truth.

"Melody I'm your father and you should just trust me when I tell you something. That's that. Now stay in your room." He slammed the door as he left making you want to pull your hair out. Angrily you lay back in bed and sighed just wanting the day to be over.

Two days passed and you hadn't really spoken to your father, you had nothing to say. Sitting on your porch you saw your father getting a truck ready to go on another run. The supply run would last over night with the destination being far but they knew where to go. You looked over at where Negan was held and saw Eugene standing in the front before realizing your father was watching you with a warning glare. With a sigh you stood up and went back inside.

Negan overheard Rick and a few others were going to get a few supplies. Yet, he was sure he wouldnt be seeing you for a while now, he knew you would be too afraid to. Eugene came inside to check on him and Negan could always tell how nervous the job made him.

"I gotta ask," Negan began to speak making Eugene tremble.

"Why you out of everyone out there?"

"Wh-what do ya mean?" Eugene responded hesitantly when Rick suddenly called for him as he was making sure Negans cell was locked.

"Be right there!" Eugene yelled out before nervously running out being thankful that something got him out of there. Negan chuckled leaning on the bars when the cell suddenly opened.

"Holy shit.." Negan whispered.

"Eugene I need you to help Anne till I get back."

"Well what about Negan?" Eugene asked worriedly.

"He'll be fine. Doors are locked, he wont know you're not in front. Just do me that favor till I get back alright?" Eugene nodded quickly before Rick jumped in the truck and drove out of Alexandria.

Negan heard the car drive out and stepped on the box to get closer to the window to hear who was around. It sounded very quiet outside. Slowly opening his cell door he made his way down the hall. Putting his ear to the door to hear who was outside he slowly turned the knob. Surprised that it was open he let himself out. Negan could've easily used this chance to escape, he could've used this chance to be free but, Negan wanted to see you. Looking to his right he was lucky to catch you going inside the house so he knew right where to go.

Negan hid behind the houses as he snuck his way closer to you. Stopping a few feet away he looked up and noticed you by your window. Distracted completely by the sight of you taking off your top, he couldn't help trying to get a peak. Rushing to the front of your house as no one was around, he quietly snuck inside gently closing the door behind him before making his way upstairs.

Negan could hear you humming to yourself as he slowly went up the stairs. He could hear you coming from the left side of the house. He looked to see your door was cracked and slowly moved closer to it. Through the crack he saw you still with your bra on brushing your hair.

As you brushed your hair all you could think about was Negan. Why the hell did that man have such a hold on your mind? You abruptly stopped singing getting annoyed at the thought of the situation. How he asked you to leave last time then suddenly had the nerve to say he missed you.

"Negan missed me huh," you scoffed not knowing you were being heard.

"So why the hell ask me to leave, asshole?" You stood up throwing your brush on your dresser before reaching behind you and unclipping your bra. The second you removed your bra Negan let out a deep breath at the sight of your round and plump breasts. He could picture them filling up his large hands, he could feel himself getting hard at the thought. You sighed as you suddenly spaced out thinking about that morning. Thinking about how much you actually wanted to suck on his cock. Thinking about how he wrapped his hand around your throat...then touched your breast. Without realizing it you found yourself caressing your breasts.

Negan practically almost lost his balance at the sight. Keeping himself composed he began to rub his crotch area as he watched you twist your nipples between your fingers.

"Oh.." he whispered softly as he watched your hands touch yourself all over, your neck and shoulders. Your eyes closing as you bit your bottom lip and squeezed your breasts. Negan was breaking a sweat watching you, his breathing was heavy as he focused on every part of you. He tried his best to hold himself back but he couldnt control himself any longer and opened the door to you room.

Negan walked inside making you scream as you stumbled back against the wall. Covering your breasts with your hands you couldnt believe Negan was in your room.

"What...h-how.." you gasped in shock as Negan smirked, slowly closing the door behind him and locking it. You couldnt find the words to say, had he escaped? What the hell was he doing here?

"Come on, arent you glad to see me? I sure am glad to see you." He stepped closer as you stared at him in shock. Licking his lips with a twinkle in his eyes he looked down at your hands covering your chest.

"You're gonna put those hands down for me, sweetheart?" You could see he was aroused just as you were. Slowly but surely you obliged putting your hands to your side. He looked down at them licking his lips before looking back up at you and grinned.

"Thats a real nice fucking rack."

Negan chuckled at your shy response he could tell you were nervous and shocked at the sight of him.

"You wanna share with me what your fine self was just thinking about?"

"You saw me...how long were you there?" You finally spoke hesitantly.

"Long enough. Now tell me, what exactly were you thinking of about big ol' Negan here." He slid his tongue between his teeth as he looked down at you excitedly.

"I...um...Negan..." you laughed nervously making him smile, he actually thought it was kinda cute.

"Let me help you out." He blurt out before clearing his throat.

"Were you thinking about this?" Negan suddenly took your nipple gently between his index finger and thumb, twisting it lightly. You gasped looking down at what he was doing as he began to now do it with the other hand as well.

"Negan.." you whispered before he leaned down and took your nipple in his mouth. You moaned throwing your head back as you held on to him, the feel of his tongue flicking around your nipple making you weak. Negan began to pull your pants down as he continued to tease you knowing exactly what he wanted to do to you.

"I dont know if we should right now." You whispered knowing damn well you didnt want to stop. Negan stood up straight and began taking off his clothes as he stared down at you.

"Come on, sweetheart. No ones around to stop you. Plus..." he walked backward towards the bed and pulled you back on it with him.

"I still owe you, remember." He winked looking down at you before leaning in and kissing you. It felt so good feeling his body lay beside yours. Negans hand caressed your body as he kissed you. He placed himself behind you as he kissed the side of your neck and shoulder. He lifted your leg up and began touching your clit. You moaned leaning back against him feeling the tip of his cock press against your ass.

"Mmmhmm..I know you've been thinking of me." He whispered against your ear feeling how wet you already were.

"Dont worry, I'm gonna do exactly what you want me to do." Negan continued rubbing your clit as you felt him thrust his pelvis against you. You could feel the tip of his cock teasing your entrance and you wanted more. He nibbled on your ear as you felt him slide his cock between your lips teasing you before unexpectedly sliding himself in. You moaned as he closed his eyes leaning his face at the soft curve of your neck.

"Holy fucking christ.." he whispered out of breath. The man had been craving the feel of pussy for months and yours being the first one he had felt in a long time he fought himself to not explode. He struggled fighting the intense urge to cum inside you. It was all he could think of doing.

"Negan...that feels so good," you moaned leaning back against him.

"I know baby," you could hear him having trouble to speak and through it all he didnt stop rubbing your clit. It was to the point you felt a giant burst of pleasure take over you that you moaned loudly pushing away from his cock. Negan felt you squirt all over him and cursed under his breath.

"Oh fuck yeah-" he muttered not expecting you to orgasm the way you did. You collapsed against him as he slid his cock right back in making you gasp. Negan held you close his hand grabbing your breast as he continued to fuck you when suddenly there was a knock on the door. Negan and you both froze, his cock still in you before you took a deep breath and answered.

"Who is it?" You spoke in a shakey voice.

"Melody, it's me Fred. You ok?"

Negan chuckled low kissing your shoulder before he began to move again making it harder for you to speak.

"Y-yes...why?" Negan got a rise out of fucking you while knowing the guy who was interested in you was just outside the door.

"I thought I heard you yell from the window, I got worried. I just wanted to check on you." You couldnt respond as Negan purposely began to move faster, more than anything you wanted to cry out.

"Melody?"

Negan right away covered your lips with his hand knowing you both were about to cum as he thrusted as fast as he could.

Your eyes rolling back, Negan felt your body shake against him as you whimpered right as he pulled out, barely in time.

He let go of your mouth as he jerked himself off on your inner thigh biting down on his bottom lip as he did. The amount of warmth you felt cover your thigh as you felt his body jerk against you made you moan softly. Letting out a deep breath he lay back, you panted beside him.

"Melody?"

"Yes!" You yelled out without meaning to out of breath.

"I mean, yes. Sorry I'm fine." You cleared your throat as Fred stood by the door confused.

"Ok...I'll see you around later. We can catch up if you want."

"Sure, Fred." You just wanted him to leave, you struggled to catch your breath with Negan before finally hearing him walk down the stairs.

"Fucking shit that fuck is annoying." Negan stood up wiping the sweat off his face with his tshirt as you began to clean yourself off. You didnt respond as you began to get dressed making Negan turn to look at you as he buttoned his pants.

"You're not going to actually see him later are you?"

"I dont know. Maybe." You responded without looking his way making him sarcastically chuckle.

"What do you care?" You turned to him making him frown.

"Are you still giving me attitude after how I just fucked the shit out of you? By the way, holy fuck I had no idea you were a squirter."

"Neither did I." You responded making him raise his brows.

"Well look at that, fucked you good and made you squirt. You're gonna stop being mad at me or what?" You sighed, you couldnt stay mad at him..not with that look.

"I guess I will." You smiled rolling your eyes as Negan stepped close to you and leaned in for a kiss. He grabbed your face kissing you passionately when you suddenly heard the door slam downstairs.

"Who was that?" You gasped hearing someone loudly run up the stairs only terrifying you even more.

"Melody open the damn door!" You gasped bulging your eyes out hearing your dads voice.

"Shit." Negan muttered as Rick attempted to open the door.

"What the hell is he doing back, he was suppose to be gone for the night?" You whispered in a panic.

"Open the damn door, I know you're not alone in there!" Your father yelled as you looked up at Negan.

"Just open it, it'll be ok. I'll deal with it."

Hesitantly and fearfully you unlocked the door and opened it to see your father immediately turn to Negan.

"Now Rick, before you say-" before Negan could finish Rick ran in the room and speared him to the floor.

"Dad!" You screamed as he punched Negan before Negan quickly turned him around.

"Dad wait!" You screamed watching in shock. Rick stood up out of breath angrily wiping the blood from the corner of his lip.

"You wanna take advantage of my daughter? I warned you not to cross me!" Your father yelled as Negan stood up out of breath.

"Hes not taking advantage of me, daddy please stop. I'm grown enough to make my choices."

"Oh yeah, was Negan honest to you about what he did? Did he tell you why hes locked in the cell? Were you grown enough for him to tell you that?"

"Dad stop it! You never told me yourself." You yelled back at him.

"I didnt tell you to protect you, he didnt tell you so he could get to use you. Why dont you tell her Negan, tell her what you did." Your father and you turned to Negan as you saw the look of guilt in his eyes.

"I'm not that same man anymore." Negan spoke low.

"Tell her what you did!" Your father yelled once again making you jump. Negan stood silent staring at you knowing there was nothing he could do at this point. Knowing you would never look at him the same way again.

"Negan...tell me." You whispered worriedly. Your father didn't want to hurt you, he didnt want to tell you this but clearly it was the only way to keep you away from him.

"Melody....Negan killed Glenn."

Your eyes bulged out as you stared at Negan in silence. He didnt say a word only confirming it to be true. Your eyes welled up with tears as you felt a knot build up in your throat.

"No.." you whispered feeling a tear roll down your cheek.

"That...that's a joke." You responded in denial.

"You...you wouldn't have let me...knowing that...you wouldnt..right?" You stared up at Negan realizing maybe your father was right. He took advantage using you for sex knowing the wrong he had done. He knew how you would feel about it but chose not to tell you so he could still have you.

"Glenn?" You whispered again remembering how you confided in Negan telling him how upset you were of the situation. And that's when he had asked you to leave...that was why he asked you to leave, you began to realize.

"I'm gonna be sick.." you turned away with your hand on your chest as your father rushed beside you putting his hand on your shoulder.

"Dont!" You suddenly yelled shaking his hand off.

"If it werent for you treating me like a damn child...hiding things from me...I wouldnt have fallen for this-"

"I tried to warn you." Your father responded calmly.

"If I would've known he killed Glenn I would've never...ever spoken to him!" You cried out as Negan looked down at the ground, he knew there was nothing he could say.

"Melody.." your father moved towards you making you move back.

"Dont. The both of you leave me the hell alone. Just leave me alone." You ran out of the house wiping your tears way. The two men staying in silence before Rick silently tied up Negans hands. Without alerting anyone you grabbed your emergency back pack you had hidden away by the entrance and quietly climbed out without anyone knowing. You wanted nothing more to do with Alexandria. You felt hurt, betrayed, lost, you thought of your friend Glenn and cried. You couldnt be here anymore and walked off not hearing Eugene call out your name as you ran off.

Eugene ran towards Rick's house catching him as he came out with Negan tied up.

"Rick, shes gone! She left...I tried stopping her-"

"Who?" Rick raised a brow speaking low to Eugene.

"Melody! She left she took a bag and left-"

"Melody." Negan whispered with a frown making Rick glare at him before turning back to Eugene.

"Which way did she go?"

"She went down the road turning left. Ya gotta find her I saw her crying." Eugene spoke in panic as Rick nodded with concerned eyes.

"Alright, here's what you're gonna do. I need you to take Negan back to the cell. I'm going to get Melody. Find Daryl and Michonne and tell them to meet me by the small lake by the road. Got it?"

"Y-you want me to stay with Negan?"

"Yes. Can you do that for me? I'm counting on you." Eugene nodded his head but was clearly nervous for the job. He handed Negan to Eugene and quickly ran off to leave and find you.

Negan watched Rick take off and didnt like the idea of you being out there alone and distraught. Hell, he found himself worried about you. Negan walked with Eugene pretending to stop and fix his shoe with his hands tied in front, he picked up a rock. Quietly he made his way to the cell as Eugene anxiously bought him inside.

"I like you, Eugene. But...I gotta do this."

"Do what?" He asked confused when Negan lifted up his hands and slammed the rock on his head making him knock out cold.

"Sorry man." He whispered before grabbing the knife out of Eugene's pocket and cutting the rope loose. Grabbing whatever weapon he could Negan was not going to let you be out there on your own. He felt at fault and he didnt want anything happening to you. Without being seen Negan climbed up the fence and made his way out determined to find you and bring you back home safely.

If you have any ideas you want to share for the next part, please send them in. Any feedback I appreciate. Thank you

[poptod]

Hi! Can I have an enemies to lovers fic between Ahkmenrah and a Nubian Queen, where their territories are at war with each other (as in a war is literally taking place) 😇😇

notes: man, ive been integrating nubia/kush into my ancient egyptian stories for How long now and i havent thought of doing this? damn. anyway i sort of changed the prompt a little cause i didnt want to get too much into the politics between ancient egypt and nubia cause holy fuck was that a hyperobsession of mine for a bit WC: 1.8k

+

This was... unconventional, to put it lightly. You and a Pharaoh inherited a war from your parents – a longlasting conflict between Nubia and Egypt, and having it end up this way was something no one could have prepared for.

You had directed armies yourself; put yourself in battle, ridden hordes of bulls through encampments and foreign soldiers. It was a purposeful tactic to incite fear in those who opposed you, a lesson in the dramatics handed down to you by your father. He always had an eye for showmanship.

Ahkmenrah conducted undercover operations and covert raids and, at times, led his armies into battle. He was renowned for his work with swords and daggers, often using fire to get his way. By lighting your cities aflame, he weakened the power of Nubia, and destroyed precious resources and lives.

Both of you had earned your share of scars, up and down your arms, puncturing your chest and slashing your skin. You personally fought one another on several occasions – the month-long conflict in Semna, the burning of Buhen, the advance on Aswan. Your officers attested to your hatred of the man, and the people of Egypt were well in the know of the Pharaonic family's distaste for Nubians.

"That bastard cut two of my fingers off," you often recounted, and often (and coincidentally) on the same days the Pharaoh would say, "that little shit ruined my perfect skin."

What he meant by this remained, for a good while, unknown to those who heard it. His officers and advisors had asked him several times, but he never gave a straight answer. He kept it a nice secret till it was inevitably discovered to be long, numerous scars ranging all up his back. From his shoulder blades to the small of his back, scars had ruined the once smooth skin, a gift from you to him.

How you gave him these scars was also unknown, and continued to be so forever. He never answered how it happened and you never spoke about it.

However, the answer became clear, though not officially confirmed.

You looked off the side of the bed, listless eyes drifting between the different paintings lining the bedroom's walls. Unlike the grandeur of the court room and dining room, the images were not of the Pharaoh, instead displaying the wealth of a happy garden. It was art you had somehow come to miss in your time away from Egypt.

Kisses landed on the back of your neck before hands travelled to your waist, squeezing the supple skin as the kisses grew lower. You attempted to shake the touch off but he was persistent.

"No," you said, squirming in place but not bothering to leave your spot on the bed. "I came here to settle my debt and I should return to that."

"Lie here with me and your debt is settled," he murmured, lips moving against your skin as he spoke.

"That is not even close to –"

"Shhh," he said softly, and his movements continued without pause, searching the body he had gotten to know uncomfortably well.

Unbeknownst to the populace and to many of your officials, the two of you exchanged letters. Nothing of fantastic importance nor hatred, but instead a communication between two people who had no one else to relate to besides each other. Where else would you find a King or Queen embroiled in conflict?

So you related to one another, and the information you relayed in your letters was always thrice-checked, a tactic to keep Ahkmenrah from using anything against you. He did the same with his own letters, which you expected him to.

Your worst enemy and closest friend continued to kiss you as you lay in his bed, his hand wandering lower till he tugged at the hem of your skirt.

"I'm going to kill you one of these days," you said as you rolled over, facing him head-on. As usual, your words were curt, to the point, and spoken in a nearly monotone voice with complete seriousness. As usual, his eyes were glittering with the excitement you often sparked in him, the most bittersweet of smiles always tainting his lips.

"You've tried six times and you've been unsuccessful thus far," he said in a teasing manner, his grin spreading.

"Well then," you said as he moved to hold himself above you, one hand planted on either side of your head as he sat between your legs, "one more try won't hurt."

"Please don't try to kill me while I'm having sex with you," he groaned.

"I don't want undead dick in me, so I thought I'd do it before or after," you said, something he apparently found amusement in.

"If you weren't the one that destroyed my alliance with Punt, I would marry you so hard," he admitted before diving in to kiss you, aligning perfectly with your lips. You tried two times to reply, but you were entirely muted, and eventually you gave in.

You hated him from the moment you met him. Was that still true, though? Did you still hate him, the man who had taken so much from you, gifting it back in the form of a physical love. His actions in the throes of passion did not suffice as an apology, so you assumed yes––you still hated him.

After all was said and done, you didn't dare to linger. Being absent more than a day from your country never boded well, though the journey back would take up the rest of the day, as the sun had risen a short time ago. You dressed yourself and bid a hasty good-bye to the Pharaoh, who asked you to stay longer.

"If I stay any longer I'm going to suffocate you," you said as you adjusted your belt.

"Have you ever stopped to think maybe I want that?" He asked, and in pure confusion you turned to him, your expression contorted. He explained further, "I've heard choking can be very good during sex."

"Shut the fuck up," you sighed, rolling your eyes as you turned back to your reflection. He just chuckled, flopping back down on the bed.

You paused for a moment––stopped dressing yourself, and instead unwillingly turned your attention to Ahkmenrah's reflection in the mirror, his curls a mess as he stared up at the ceiling. The slow rise and fall of his chest did not match the heavy blush on his cheeks. As he turned to lay on his side, you caught sight of his back, and the numerous scratch marks lining up and down it.

"Do they hurt?" You asked softly, and though you didn't realize it at the time, they were the first soft-spoken words you had shared with him.

"Do what hurt?" He asked in return, rolling back over to face you with a curious smile.

"Those marks on your back," you said, though you didn't turn to face him, instead locking eyes with him in the mirror. "I never mean to give you them."

"You don't?" He asked, quirking one of his brows. "I've always thought of them as a memento. I mean they hurt, but... most things you do hurt me."

For as right as he was, you couldn't help but feel a twinge of embarrassment for your actions. You had done many things to him and around him, and by both of your accounts, none of the things you'd done had helped him in any way. Except the sex, but neither of you thought of that as your own actions. But he was handsome, and he was kind to his people. Despite the mutual hatred between you he always ensured you were alright with what he was doing in bed. It was two different versions of yourselves––the battlefield, and the home. He was a perfect lover and a ruthless King, and you never bothered to be anything but a spiteful ruler on and off the battlefield.

"Put some lavender oil on it," you said, fixing your collar. "It helps get rid of scars.

"We don't have any lavender oil ever since you cut off our trade network," he said flatly.

"Oh," you paused, "right."

You took one more moment to watch him through his reflection before you took a deep breath.

"I have to leave now. Try not to get into any trouble, or start any, before I get home," you said.

"When will I see you next?" He asked, his cheek squished into the mattress.

"Probably when you wake up at midnight with a knife above your head."

He laughed, but before he could properly respond, you left out the door with your veil concealing your identity. So instead he sighed, turning back to the ceiling as the image of you imprinted itself behind his eyelids. He would miss you no matter how hard he tried not to, and he knew this because every time you left him in his bedroom, emptiness replaced the warmth in his chest. Your warmth.

The moment he passed the threshold of his room, however, he fell back into his natural state––the one he held around his palace officials and citizens. The man who burnt down cities. Very rarely did he ever let this facade fall, and in the following weeks he kept up with it, only breaking it for a split second on a humid evening.

Mail had come into his study, full of letters, plans, and maps all addressed to him. Usually he went through them with his advisors and vizier, but tonight was a holy night, and many of them had asked for the day off, which he of course granted.

The last piece of mail wasn't a scroll or a letter, but instead a small package with a note inside. He frowned as he tore open the sealing, curious to see its' contents. Out fell a sturdy glass bottle, followed by a slip of paper, and the bud of a dried flower.

Get a pretty girl and have her use this on you.

Signed, your friend

He twisted the cork off the bottle. The scent inside was strong enough to reach him without him having to bring it to his nose, and instantly he recognized the source.

Lavender.

He grinned, a grin that only grew larger as he thought of what to say in return. In a flash he grabbed his own papyrus and pen, scribbling down a neat response.

Use it on me yourself, coward.

Signed, your love.

A week later the mail came into your home, and for a good while you sorted through it, though what first caught your attention was the insignia Ahkmenrah planted on each of his covert letters. A lotus. You set that aside––it was not as important as other matters, and it could wait until a little later.

When you did open it, however, you went into such a fluster that a blush coated your face for a good three days.

[kimhargreeves]

Therapy-Justin Foley

Another day and no sign of Justin, i can't believe it's been months since i last saw or heard of him. The friends I had departed each their several ways when they taught after Bryce's confession everything was over, but that didnt last long when Clay found a polaroid in his locker giving hints that Hannah wasn't the last one to be raped by Bryce. I also found some polaroids but these were about Justin way back to a year or two.

Bryce and I would glance at each other and I would glare or give him the finger. I hate his guts for what he did to him, to me and everyone of my friends.

I've been looking for Justin everywhere and begged Tony to help me but there was no luck. I can't believe that idiot would just leave without a note or something, i despise him even more for that, he cheated on me with Jessica and still sent all those pictures of Hannah to everyone in school then later on avoided me most of the time.

It was finally time to head back home but decided otherwise cause my mom might be there and I didnt want to discuss with her again. I walked around minding my own business when i bumped into someone and fell to the ground.

"Are y-you okay?" the voice asked stuttering a bit.That voice i recognize it so i looked up and saw Justin. Holy shit.

"Justin?!"

I stand up on my own surprised to see even see him again. "Holy shit!" i stare at him and wrap my arms around him without a second though, sure he was an asshole to me and the others at school but damn am i happy to see him. I pull back and looks at him with his worn out clothes, he's wearing a light brown long sleeved shirt, with grey ripped pants and boots, his hair all messy and his face worn out.

"The fuck are you doing here?! Why havent you been at school!" i look back to see his belongings on the ground and a card board. Oh, shit...he's homeless.

"Making fun of me?" he asks irritated.

"Why would i? I'm just surprised to see you here...on the fucking streets living for five fucking months on your own!"

"Don't you even dare in trying to bring me back."

"Why not?! Fuck,Justin everyone has been looking for you. Look i understand why you feel so miserable all the fucking time but it's been months since we heard of you, we all thought you were fucking dead."

"It would've been nice."

I smacked his shoulder and he winced at the impact "You are such a fucking idiot to just leave like that, we haven't spoken to each other after all that Hannah incident but i still blame you for all of it. Isn't your mom looking for you?"

Justin glanced at me and sniffed, "You know how she is,she only cares for that bastard." still nodding i grabbed his wrist and tried to drag him with me. "Let go of me (Y/N)." he was beginning to loosen up my grip which he did and stared back at me angry.

"I don't want anything to do with you,liberty, or anyone in school."

I glared back at him and was ready to hit him any second for being so stubborn, "You are coming with me like it or not, don't be the same idiot guy you were from before,don't do it for me do it for Jessica." i mentioned and stared down at my feet.

He stayed silent for a minute and went to grab him bag and got his hoodie on so no one could see him. "About time." i mutter walking next to him. We made it to my house and lucky enough my mom wasn't there, she probably left for work again. "Come on." i open the door and close it once he entered.

"Let's go to my room."

Justin followed me and I handed him a couple of blankets when he began to shiver and looked pale, i was ready to give him a few medicines when he puked all over my bed, "fuck Justin!" i run over and tell him to stand up so i can grab the blankets. He mutters a sorry and rests his head against the pillow. I grabbed the trash bin i keep in my room and placed it next to him, "I'll be right back i have to clean your mess now."

I went to the washing machine and threw all the blankets in and went back to my room and heard him groaning, "Do you have a fever?" i reached my hand and placed it on his forehead, he was boiling hot.

"Justin you should've called me, i just can't believe you've been living on the streets for months on your own."

"Why are you even helping me?"

I look over to see him staring at me waiting for my answer, "I missed you okay and i-i still like you even if you don't return the feelings, we thought Bryce would get arrested but they've done nothing, it's been really hard in trying to survive all alone too."

Justin doesn't say anything but sat back up quickly and threw up again in the bin, i look away disgusted and wait for him to finish. "I-I'm done with Jessica." does he mean it? we both look at each other and he nods.

"There's no use in loving a girl who won't love you back even if i'm still a bit heart broken..i missed you a lot too." he sits up and came closer to me and hugged me,resting his head on my shoulder as he did. I smile and hug him back, "How about I make you something to eat? but first you have to shower cause you stink."

He frowned at that but agreed, so i got everything ready for him at the tub and left him. I went to the kitchen and prepared some mashed potatoes along with chicken,rice and vegetables, with the dish in hands I began to walk up the stairs when the front door opened and i screamed almost letting the plate fall.

"What happen?!" I heard Justin ask from inside the bathroom.

"Shh my mom is here!" i whisper back.

"You arrived early." i tell my mom not expecting her to be this early at home. "I finished my job early." she stays silent and hears the shower running. "Why is the shower on?" shit she'll find out. She began to walk up the stairs and I stood in front of the bathroom door, "I-I was ready to take a shower and decided to fill up the tub."

"Okay? but why are you taking the food?"

"Cause i'm hungry and want to relax while eating. Alright see you later." i opened the door and quickly shut it behind me. "You finish in there?" i ask when he doesnt make a sound and opened the curtains to see him naked still showering.

I blush and close it, "Fuck! sorry!" i tell and hid my face with my hands.

"Why are you even here?!"

"I told my mom i was gonna shower, she can't know you're here. I- I made you some food might as well just relax in the tub and eat. "Alright." he answers and i open the curtains again to see him sitting on the tub.

"Here you go i know how much you liked it when i cooked for you." i hand him the plate and he seems so happy to finally see some home cooked meal. He happily eats it entirely and even licked the plate clean, "It was so delicious thank you (Y/N)." i blush at the compliment and placed the empty plate on a table.

I meet Justin's dark eyes and feel safe once again with him, "I'm glad that you're back." he smiles and reaches to touch my cheek and i lean into the touch. "and i'm happy i get to see you again." i smile and stood up and began to take off my clothes.

Justin looks surprised and looks the other way, "What a-are you doing?"

"I told my mom I was taking a bath, so that's what i'm gonna do." i tell Justin joining him.

[underwaterdogballs]

The Birth House - Ami McKay

[ im only a new reader, so im still working on the reading daily thing ]

time it took me - 2-3 days (i was really into it lol)

published - 2006

pages - 368

TW for book: physical abuse, sexual abuse, sex scenes, sexism, violence, teen pregnancy + birth

chapters - 47 + epilogue, and there are notes from the Willow Book at the end (i actually typed the whole thing up lmao ( x ) )

genre - historical / realistic fiction

5/5 stars (but my standards are really fucking low, so don’t trust me)

honest opinion - I loved it. It was a great book for me. I loved the MC (stands for Main Character), and it was just a great book all around. I can't put my opinion into words, but I'd highly recommend it, but if you've faced sexual abuse and/or teen pregnancy I might pass it up, as it may be triggering.

basic summary (no major spoilers) (im writing this 3-4 months after reading the book, so sorry if a bit inaccurate) - 

Takes place in 1910s-1920s (WWI), Nova Scotia. Basically Dora Rare (first daughter in 5 generations of Rares), is drawn to Miss Babineau, a midwife and eventually after a few years becomes a midwife herself. But soon Dr. Gilbert Thomas, comes by and brings promises of quick, painless birth, and now many people start to question Babineau’s methods. Miss B disappears, and now Dora has to fight for her traditions. 

in depth ‘summary’ (spoilers. and a whole lot of them) !!CW!! physical abuse, sexual abuse(?), few sex scenes - 

Alrightie, buckle up.

“On the evening of a full moon in June, Silent went out in his canoe to catch the shad that were spawning around the tip of Cape Split. As the night wore on, Annie began to worry that some ill had befallen her love. . . . She walked to the cove where they had first met and began to call to him, promising her heart, her fidelity and a thousand loves to his name. The moon, seeing Annie’s sadness, began to sing, forcing the waves inland, strong and fast, bringing Silent safely back to his lover. Since that time, every child born from the Rare name has been male, and even now, when the moon is full, you can hear her voice, the voice of the moon, singing sailors home.” < why all Rare children have been men (for past 5 gen) >

Dora Rare is the only daughter in 5 generations of Rares. When Dora is first mentioned, she is 17 years old, and has 6 older brothers. Marie Babineau drags Dora to Mrs. Experience Ketch’s 13th kid, which would be a very prominent memory. Anyway if she didn’t give birth to this child today, she’d die. So she did, but she did not want her child. She pushed him away. So he died. Mr. Ketch is not deserving to be called a father, but here we are. Being the 1910s, he was a sexist wanker. “’I don’t trust nothin’ that can’t piss standin’ up.”’ like bitch who the fuck do you think you are?? 

Mrs. Ketch is a victim of serious domestic abuse, if the amount of children didn’t tell you otherwise (women can choose to have this many children, but... holy fuck.)

Archer, someone who Dora is sorta fond of (its been a while, dont remember her feelings), didn’t wish to fight in the war, but Grace and Precious really didn’t fucking like that. “’If I could, I’d march through Europe myself, killing Huns right and left, gutting them with a bayonet and crushing their skulls with the heel of my boot. But I can’t, and neither can any other woman who might wish for victory over evil... and neither can these boys who are too young to serve their king.’ She glared at Archer. ’But you can’” Mate. Take notes from Mulan. Masquerade as a man and beat them all. Fucking coward.

After Archer drags Dora to an empty room, Dora starts to become a horny fuck, and he begins undressing her, she mentions that that was her first kiss, and this Archer hoe backs off, and leaves.

Dr. Thomas comes bearing promises of quick and painless births. He makes Miss B and Dora seem like they’re using wooden tools and sawing a woman in half to get her baby out and taping her back together. Like stfu.

Well, a chapter or 2 later, Dora learns that she is marrying Archer, and she can’t refuse it. 

A couple pages later, on the start of chapter 18, B orders Dora to get her 2 long-handled spoons and to grease them up with tallow, to get a teacup cover out from Grace Hutner’s sweet spot, cause she’s a horndog.

On the day before their wedding night, Archer wants Dora to give him a bj. A motherfucking blowjob. As a thanks for the permission to marry him. 

“Come on, Dorrie. Just get on your knees. It won’t take long, no one needs to know. Now open up that mouth and take me in.” im not even going to say anything.

Anyway, the day before Dora has to marry Archer Bigelow, Miss B dies. :(

Archer wants Dora to give up the midwifery stuff (i think its sorta cool tbh, but k mate). This horny fuck wants sex every damn night. The book mentions the ‘supposed to hurt the first time’ and ‘breaking a woman in’ and just to let you know, the book talks like this bc it’s set in the 1910s-1920s, but irl, it doesn’t have to hurt the first time, i don’t think (but i havent fucked yet, and i dont plan to so idk), and breaking a woman in makes it sound like an object of some sort. 

On page 174, Archer attempts to punch her, but he misses and makes a hole in the wall. 

Dora gives in to sex when she doesn’t want to, and bc of her ‘obligations as a wife’  he treats her more like a sex toy than a human being. (not every guy is a piece of shit in this book, just most of them)

She heads to Dr. Thomas through a friend or her familys advice, and is diagnosed with hysteria, which is probably just ignored horniness, or a high libido or smth, the Doc basically uses a vibrator thing on her and the book states it’s better than what she’s felt in the arms of her husband.

(im wrapping this up cause my fingers are cold)

Influenza starts to pop up, and after Dora is outcasted for her practices, she goes to one of her older brothers.

Brady Ketch, husband of Experience Ketch, dumps his beat up and bruised pregnant 13-year old daughter on Dora’s doorstep, she dies, but delivers a perfectly healthy baby that Dora adopts as her own, and names Winnie/Wennie or whatever the fuck her name was.

After she comes back, she turns back to midwifery, and bars Dr. Thomas with a pitchfork after he attempts to interrupt a delivery (not Ketch’s daughter, as she died in childbirth) (obvi)

Archer dies out in sea, after Dora didn’t give him a thing known for protecting sailors from drowning and to bring them home safe and sound. But Archer has a brother, Hart, and claimed that he always had feelings for her, and he was disgusted at how he treated her. Dora doesn’t marry him, but stays as his lover. Also, the epilogue is about electricity coming to Scots Bay.

[themeed]

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

[authorofdanger]

Miroh

Genre: angst with slight fluff

Skz zombie apocalypse au

Not much warning really

It's pretty short but I got bored

🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♂️

The storm finally calmed after nearly an entire day of harsh rain and strong winds. Sitting up on a high branch in the first climb able tree I could find I hung my bag and bow on the branch while ringing my shirt out. With the temperature being basically below freezing and having no dry winter clothes or jacket I knew shelter was a must unless I wanted to go through hypothermia.

My body shook violently as another breeze hit my arms and I determined it was time to look for the closest town. Taking a careful glance around me I couldnt see another moving object in sight so I grabbed my few items and leaped out of the tree, bow and arrow at the ready.

Walking through the woods has been scary enough as it is recently with the limited food supply and starving walkers that have been found in hoards but nothing adds fuel to the fear more than being completely alone. I kept my steps as silent as I could and listened to the best of my abilities but in the end I could only hear the thumping of my rapid heartbeat that never seems to calm these days. I use to be able to ignore it when I was with a group but being alone you tend to notice more about ok but yourself compared to when you are with loved ones.

****Four months earlier****

"Y/N you breathe any louder and the walkers will here you," Minho joked as we crept through the abandoned town. Playfully hitting his arm I tried even harder to control my breaths so he could move his jokes onto one of the others. "Unless they hear your blabbing first," Seungmin hushed, "seriously Minho were we not just attacked by a group not even a couple of minutes ago? Let her catch her breath. We all know she is a terrible runner." Rolling my eyes there wasn't much room for arguments. The boys were athletic and strong, only keeping me around for my ability to provide medical care and my shocking ability to hunt. I've tried teaching them for weeks but only successfully having Jeongin shoot a dose after using five arrows and chasing after it.

"Hey it could be worse. We could have Jisung not being tired." Jisung faked a hurt expression with his jaw dropped and a hand slapped to his chest but you could see from the bags under his eyes that if we were to take a small break in one of these buildings he would collapse from exhaustion. "Last I checked I kept watch while I let you guys sleep. I did all of you a favor," he gasped. Placing a soft kiss to his cheek I slightly chuckled at the tiny his face turned and how large the smile on his face turned. "Me too," Jeongin whined while pulling at my arm. Giving him two on his uninjured cheek he seemed satisfied with his reward. I was just happy he was talking again.

He once didnt say a single word for nearly two months due to the trauma of us losing our best friend after we found his family who was going a different way then we were. They claimed to know of a society going west but we were heading east for one we knew of. It was a no brainer he would go with his family and we couldnt be happier for him but we miss him terribly. It took me saving his life and nearly getting bitten for him to find his voice again.

"You are such a baby," Seungmin groaned but apologized once he caught a glimpse of my warning glare. "Last I remembered I beat the shit out of Jisung when he called him a baby. Dont think I wont do the same to you." The boy is an adult now and I refuse to allow the others to treat him as less. "She's stronger then she looks man," Jisung added as he grabbed his wrist, "I thought she broke something!"

"Guys listen," Minho interrupted, "do you hear that? It's called silence and I prefer ot over your bickering." Before I could open my mouth Jeongin grabbed hold of my hand and mouthed a "thank you" while we continued to walk. Security wasn't a feeling we felt but there was a sense of it when we were together. We had eachother.

*****

Taking in a deep breath I had to force myself to think of other things to prevent myself from crying again. After being separated by an attack from a hoard I have been struggling to stay alive, wondering if it was really worth it.

****Three months ago****

I desperately rushed through the city to find the others. Being separated was bad enough but not knowing if they were okay only added to the anxiety. There were bodies and gunshot holes everywhere but no sign of my friends. Losing hope I slowed my pace to a speed walk but kept my eyes shooting everywhere. Then I saw it, Jeongin's bandanna that I used to wrap his ankle after a nasty gash. He never removes it, leaving that for me to do when I wanted to check his wound for infection. I knew it was his when I saw the my fading initials in the corner of the red fabric.

I couldnt stop the tears that rolled down my face with the knowledge that something terrible had to have happened. Tying it around my wrist I spent hours circling the area but when all I found was his bandanna and a few broken arrows from his crossbow I knew one of three things could have happened. They escaped, they got turned, or they got devoured. My heart shattered and all hope was lost. I was alone and I was afraid.

****

Tightening the filthy bandanna around my wrist I took a few more glances around before I spotted glimpses of buildings just a few miles north. Maybe there is food, hopefully there is because I havent had a meal in days and it's taking a toll on my health. With the constant hunger and running I have become extremely thin and weak but just strong enough to keep moving.

The town was in ruins but the market had a few canned items left. I also was able to find more arrows in a hunting shop and medicine in the local pharmacy. "This should hold me off for a couple of days," I whispered to myself before climbing up to the top of a diner's rooftop to look for walkers.

"This place gets worse each time we come," a voice said in the distance. "Shut up and look for some food. I think we havent scoped out that store all the way since we were attacked last round," another ordered after an echoing smack filled my ears and a pain filled wince. "You hit too hard Hyung!" Fear filled my veins. Last time I ran into other survivors they nearly killed me with a gunshot to my shoulder. I still have a hard time moving it since I never got medical attention and it only happened less than a week after losing my friends.

"Any signs of walkers," another voice asked, "I'm not risking us being separated with a sign of danger." I held tightly to my bow and prepared an arrow before deciding to move backwards to try and escaped unseen. "Nope. I think we are fine," a familiar voice groaned, "now can we hurry so we can go back. It's cold out here!" "Minho," I muttered to myself. Crawling to the ledge I carefully peered over to catch a glimpse of the group below. There were three boys I had never seen before but my heart was bound to explode when two familiar faded hair colors caught my eye. With black roots I could see the beyond faded green hair and another faded red. Seungmin and Minho? They're alive!

"What's that," one of the boys growled after spotting me, "guns at the ready!" "Fuck," I muttered before quickly trying to escape. They're alive! Are the others? I didnt have time to think as gunshots filled my ears. "Is it a walker?" "Its too fast to be a walker!" Picking up the pace I felt my lungs burning but kept going after a bullet barely passed my ear. "Stop your fire! It's not a Walker!" I hid behind a dumpster before my legs could give out and tried to keep my jagged breathing quiet. 'Breathe any louder and the walkers will hear you,' Minho's joke replayed in my mind. Even if it was them chasing after me they arent alone and are not afraid to kill me on the spot. I was in serious danger.

Hearing footsteps I stopped breathing all together and listened carefully as multiple footsteps crept past me. "It looked like a girl," Minho whispered. "Minho did you see what she was carrying," Seungmin asked, "she had a bow. It was silver." Many people we have come across had bows of all kinds of colors but rarely did we see a shining silver one like mine since my father handmade mine before the outbreak as a birthday gift. I never got the chance to thank him after the outbreak began due to him getting infected.

"Y/N," Minho called out. "What are you doing," one scolded, "she could be dangerous!" Damn straight I am dangerous. "Dangerous? Y/N is as dangerous as a housefly. She is just a nuisance," Seungmin scoffed. Rolling my eyes I knew if the situation was different I would have slapped him by now. I could see the men from a small crack just behind me but it was hidden enough to where it would be hard for them to see me. Prepping my bow and silently sitting up I had it aimed just a few inches away from them just in case I needed to scare them. "She is as scary as Jeongin. They are both a couple of babbling babies," he added. I then released my arrow, it landing in the fence right next to the faded pink haired boy. "Holy shit," he yelled in a deep Australian accent making me internally laugh but hood it in to not be found. "Definitely Y/N," Minho and Seungmin said in sync.

"Look man we arent going to shoot but dont threaten my men," the faded blonde yelled, "now come out where we can see you." "Drop your weapons. You can take me down without them anyways," I called trying to sound as strong as I humanly could. Slowly each of them lowered their guns and held their hands up to show they were unarmed. I hesitantly crawled out of my spot and made direct eye contact with the two of my four boys. "You're alive," Minho gasped before racing to me and engulfing me in a tight embrace with Seungmin joining on the other side of me. "Shoulder," I winced, "watch the shoulder."

They both immediately pulled away and gazed at my body. Soaked and filthy with blood and dirt I looked as horrible as I felt even with the rain washing some of the grime off of me. "We thought the walkers got you," Seungmin stammered as tears rimmed his eyes, "we didnt even have time to look for you. The boys found us but said they never saw you while searching the place." "I looked for you guys for days. I didnt leave the city until I was nearly attacked again! I was alone for since then thinking you all were," I couldnt even finish after my voice cracked. I placed my head onto Minho's chest and allowed him to rub my back soothingly. "We need to go," the blonde ordered, "I hear walkers."

****

The ride to their base took around half an hour in their safari looking vehicles but looking at the multiple fences let me see just how secure they were. They seemed to reside in an altered town with handmade wooden fences that had to be atleast twenty feet tall that must have taken months to make. "I know it's not the best looking place but its safe," the pink haired boy sighed as we pulled in but I shook my head and gave him a shy smile. "Its better than a simple tree."

As we pulled in there were around fifty people waiting around the parking lot to see if all of their men made it back. In the distance I could see Jeongin and Jisung waiting patiently by a tall and clean building that had to have importance to the people who resided here. Minho helped me out of the vehicle and held his arm around my waist as we walked past the crowd with Seungmin hot on out trail. "Y/N," Jeongin cried once we got into eyesight, "oh my god!" Trampling me to the ground I could only cry as he pampered my face with kisses and tears as he repeated over and over "I'm so sorry!"

"Innie! Innie stop it's okay! I'm here! You're crushing me!" Slowly prying himself off me me Jisung helped me get up and then yanked me into him, body shaking as he tried to be gentle. "How did you survive? Oh my god I'm so sorry," he mumbled into my shoulder. Jisung and Jeongin were always more likely to show emotion so their shaking and crying didnt phase me just as Minho and Seungmin tried holding composure. Running my hand though his quickly fading brown hair I tried soothing him while also bringing comfort to myself. They're alive, they are okay, and we are all together now.

"So who is she again," the pink haired boy from earlier asked as four men approached us. "This is Y/N. She is the girl you were supposed to find when you found us," Minho said with a hint of harshness in his tone. They had to be angry. They were lied to and they knew it, I knew it. Nobody came to look for me that day and I was right where we got separated from! "There arent enough apologies I could provide," the familiar blonde sighed while running a hand through his locks, "but what matters is she is here now right?" "This is Chan, Felix, Changbin, and Hyunjin. The eight of us run this place but Chan is the big man," Jisung explained as he fully let me go.

"You talked about your shoulder," Hyunjin asked, "can I take a look at it in the clinic?" Nodding my head I followed behind him with Jeongin glued to my side as we entered the tall building from earlier.

****

"It looks pretty nasty but I think it will be fine since I cleaned it. We're going to keep an eye on it for the next week or so alright," Hyunjin asked after the last stitch. "Thank you. I could only do so much with a travel first aide kit from a drugstore." Jeongin kept a firm grip on my hand as his friend left the room, leaving us in total silence. "You've been alone this whole time? In the woods? Injured," he asked lowly. "I'm okay now," I encouraged while ruffling his almost white locks with a soft pink hue. "Still havent found dye huh?" He shook his head and mumbled "not worried about it anymore. Too busy around here."

His eyes were full of emotions but I could see so many questions filling his mind that he was pondering if he should ask. "You know to help us feel better we would come up with ways you were alright? Jisung tried making the theory that you found Woojin and stayed with him." Giving him a soft smile I tried to change the subject to clear his mind. "Do you like it here? The boys seem nice." "They baby me. Alot."

I immediately got frustrated but fought to contain it. Have the boys not realized he isnt a baby? Even after I beat the shit out of Jisung? "But Chan has been teaching me how to lead. He told me if anything happens he wants me to take over Miroh. It's pretty cool but kinda scary." My body relaxed at this, so the babying wasn't so bad that he wasn't given respect. It's a big job to lead and he is being trained to do it!

"I'm so proud of you. I know you can do it." "I can now that you're here. Y/N?" I let out a soft hum, listening to everything he had to say, "you know we are staying here right?" "As long as I'm with you boys I dont care where we are. I'm never losing you again." "Well then welcome to Miroh."

[microcroft]

I would like to personally thank you for pulling me into vindell hell I'm finally finishing bones due to the pandemic so this is *finger guns* a-okay with me

vindell!!! holy shit!!! i still havent finished bones because as a psych major i feel personally victimized by what the bones writers did (which i wasnt when i stopped watching back in like 10th grade? i think? but still, its the principle of it all) damn i miss my boys vincent and wendell. sorry i probably am never gonna be writing any more for them at least for a very long time because its been years since i watched the show so my ability to write the characters is very weak and i really am only able to write about stardew valley anymore  but i appreciate that the work i put into that little ship is still goin strong!!! heres something: Vincent survives but only after hours and hours of intensive surgery (oh god imagining the medical bills physically hurts lets hope brennan throws in some money, hes gonna be like “crap why couldnt i have been shot back in england?”). all the other interns are there for him at the hospital but wendell hardly seems to leave his bedside. throughout the rehabilitation process wendell is always there for him too, wheeling him around the hospital, helping him learn how to walk again and eventually driving him back to his crummy apartment nearly all the way in annandale even though it was 4 pm and traffic was horrible. he cant live on his own anymore, at least not for right now, wendell immediately offers to rent an apartment with him ( “my lease is almost up and i hate my neighbors anyway, plus it will be cheaper than living on my own” ( he lied, his lease wasnt almost up)). Wendell helps him break his lease and move out of his crummy apartment to a new one in falls church and then continues helping him even more. He understands, he doesnt push him to do more physical therapy on the days where the pain in his back is worse, doesnt coddle him when he wants to do things on his own, doesnt push him to answer if he is ever going to go back to the internship or not. one day vincent turns off the tv, and turns to wendell and just asks “why?” of course, wendell doesnt really understand the question. vincent elaborates. wendell gets nervous and quiet for a moment. 

“we were good friends before, vincent, and then when i heard you got shot it felt like i did too. i really couldnt stand the thought lose you. I almost realized why way too late. I didnt want to give up any opportunity i had to spend more time with you, hear more of the random facts you have stored somewhere in your brain, at first it was mostly just reassuring myself you were still alive, but once that fear faded away i really just wanted to be close to you because youre my best friend, vince.”

“what did you realize?” vincent asks softly

“what?” wendell pales

“you said “I almost realized why way too late” what was it that you realized wendell?” 

wendell is sweating now

“um... uh... I guess you deserve to know... I dont expect you to feel the same way, its completely fine... I realized that I love you, vincent, romantically, and well, platonically. I didnt want to make things weird between us, im more than okay just being friends with you but i understand if now things are awkward and-”

“hey wendell?”

“huh?” wendell says nervously

“shut up for a second” he says curtly

“okay”

“can i kiss you?” vincent asks, sliding closer to the other on the couch.

wendell chokes

“what?”

“is it okay if i kiss you?” he asks, not wanting to just spring it on him, consent is always important

wendell cant figure out how to form words so he just nods shakily

vincent launches himself at wendell over the gap between them on the couch hissing a little in pain due to his blatant disregard of his own healing ribs and wounds. none of those things mattered right now though, because wendell loves him too, has loved him for months and now its time to make up for the lost time. 

[wickymicky]

2020 Comeback Ranking: April Update

oops im a couple days late lol

here’s a link to my last update: (x)

this is all just my opinion, of course. im not ranking these in terms of what the objective bests are, im just ranking which ones i personally like the most

Dreamcatcher - Scream: it’s been like two and a half months but there’s still nothing else like this song. dreamcatcher are my favorite group, so my expectations were high, but they didnt just live up to my expectations, they fucking shattered them lmao. i hoped the song would be good but how on earth could i have seen this coming? seriously, this is on a whole new level, this is unprecedented. i’m not exactly sure if it’s my favorite dreamcatcher song overall, but i’m in love with and in awe of this direction for them, and it’s without a doubt my favorite song of the year. usually when i listen to a song for the first time, even if it’s a comeback i stayed up all night for, from a group i really like, my first reaction is usually sort of “woah, i need to listen to that again to make sense of it”, but i remember my first reaction to scream was like... i was stunned, lol. every detail of it is exactly right, they nailed every square inch of this shit. i dont expect anything will surpass it for me this year lol, except maybe another dreamcatcher song haha

Cignature - Nun Nu Nan Na: what a fucking debut, lol. this is everything you could possibly ask for from a girl group banger in 2020. this song is way too anthemic for this piece of shit year though haha. i love pretty much every second, every detail, about this song... it’s such a breath of fresh air. it’s so catchy and yet has the dirtiest, gnarliest industrial synths throughout it, which is right up my alley, it’s an easy way to win me over 

Elris - Jackpot: speaking of catchy songs with gnarly production.... yeah so i had this on my list when it came out, but i had more than 10 songs on that list and it was number like 12 or something, and then last month i also had it outside my top 10, but it occurred to me that actually i like pretty much every part of this song, and that definitely makes it one of the best of the year lol. like i noticed that i was listening to it way more than a lot of songs that i previously had higher than it, haha. there’s a reason for that.. it’s cause this song is good oh and their bside This Is Me is worth mentioning too. i’m not doing a ranking of bsides this month because im tired rn, but like, if this song was a title track then it would be just as high as jackpot, probably. this song’s got some real momentum, damn... it’s just so satisfying. the dance break in the bridge isnt my favorite, but it doesnt ruin the song for me, and ive gotten pretty used to it. everything else in the rest of the song is perfect though. literally... literally perfect. that’s not hyperbole.

Dreamcatcher - Endless Night: who the fuck else would ever even consider doing a song like this, let alone nail it like they have... this style of metal or jrock is so cheesy but who the fuck cares lmao this song beats ass and that’s all there is to it

Izone - Fiesta: i love izone’s luxury edm, it’s such a cool style. and like, this is probably their strongest example of that style so far. well, it might not be as “luxury” as LVER or Violeta, but it’s their strongest edm so far, i think. and this music video is nuts... and the choreo is one of the most visually satisfying of the year too... just all around one of the best comebacks so far. which is weird, cause this was supposed to come out in 2019 lmao... i wonder where i would have placed it on a 2019 year end list.... hmmm

Cignature - Assa: this song, holy shit... they’re making a goddamn name for themselves and i love it. theyre a force to be reckoned with. i personally prefer Nun Nu Nan Na, but i really had to think about it, lol. i know i put others in between NNNN and Assa here on this list, but these are all fairly even and close together, tbh. i love that this song shows a different side to cignature while using the general sound from NNNN, with some lyrics in common as well... it really is a “debut lead single b” huh? 

Loona - So What: i cant think of anything to say right now that hasnt already been said haha. you all know this song and have strong opinions (one way or the other) on this song lol, we’re all orbits here

GFriend - Crossroads: you know, i don’t listen to this song nearly as much as the others here, but every time i do i wonder why i dont listen to it more often. it’s hard to explain, i just really like it. it’s warm. but also sad. but not slow, it’s not a slow sad song... it’s a warm sad song with some momentum to it, and it really hits me sometimes. but seriously every time i go to make one of these lists, i look at my previous list and go “really? crossroads? ive only listened to this like twice in the last month, i’m definitely not including it this time”, but then i listen to it again just to be sure and i go “oh yeah, i forgot, this song is really good”

hmmm... i’m having trouble thinking of two more that definitely deserve to be the remaining spots in my top 10... i can think of a lot of songs i love, but either i dont feel quite *that* strongly about them right now (but might in future months, like how jackpot rose in my ranking just cause i was really feeling it this last month), or it’s something i think deserves to be in my top 10 but i just dont really have anything to say about it right now, you know? like maybe its something i think is great, but i havent been listening to it that much lately, not as much as previous months anyway. either way, there’s just a bunch of songs i feel like could go in the last two spots and there arent any two individual ones that i really feel like i have to put there above the others, so i’ll just list them here as honorable mentions lol

honorable mentions / candidates for 9 and 10 (in alphabetical order)

3YE - Queen Apink - Dumhdurum Cherry Bullet - Hands Up Itzy - Wannabe NCT 127 - Kick It Pentagon - Dr Bebe Sunmi - Gotta Go Weki Meki - Dazzle Dazzle 

i love all of those, i highly recommend all of them, but i wouldn’t really know which two belong in the number 9 and 10 spots. my gut would say weki meki, pentagon, itzy, or nct, but obviously it cant be all four... and yeah, i’m just not sure. so i guess i only really have a clear top 8 this time around lol, that happens sometimes

[brunhiddensmusings]

random movies/shows i just remembered were a thing

there is no point in any of this other then me being impressed that i remember all of this shit and reflecting on ‘i couldnt make this up if i tried’ a live action tv series of alice in wonderland, it was violently 80s an ‘alf’ cartoon series, that was MORE violently 80s an alice in wonderland cartoon series from the makers of the alf cartoon series which was only moderately 80s neverending story animated series that is somehow underwhelming enough it erases memory of itself a show where james earl jones sits in some kind of negative plane room that has a floor, doors, windows, a chair, and one lamp yet somehow no walls, the windows just kind of hover there. he told stories. how the hell did a show where james earl jones just tells soothing stories fly under everyone's radar? a live action reading comprehension series that featured a kid with magic gloves that rode a stationary bycicle to warp through dimensions that im sure no other human being ever saw so im partially thinking it might have been a hallucination except hallucinations typically have higher production values an animated glowworm movie that was trying to do with the glowworm dolls what MLP the show did for MLP the toys. it contained at least one song i can still remember the tune of 25 years later. there was a moleperson that gave off strong lesbian vibes who was rebelling against her biker vibe moleperson family an animated movie about ‘the lollipop dragon’ that seemed like there was other content on the intellectual property but ive never seen any, taking the form of a car race through whats essentially candyland to prevent liver and onion flavored lollipops being the new official christmas candy to be distributed by santa clause live action series that was only ever on at like 4AM where someone tells fairy tales that are slightly more disturbing then they should be while illustrating them in chalk which is one hell of a trick the animated series ‘mummies alive’ that was trying to basically copy/paste everything they could from the ‘gargoyles’ show but forgot to make it good not to be confused with the ‘tutenstein’ show, which somehow made less sense ‘dink the dinosaur’ a tv series hoping nobody noticed it wasn't actually land before time the animated series a live action series where a modern family was trapped somewhere that was a dinosaur infested jungle so they had to live in a tree house that was only just barely taller then the t-rex that was continually stalking them. the moon had claw marks on it i think? it was basically swiss family robinson but early 90s animated movie ‘the elm chanted forest’ that im more just baffled my parents were able to acquire something that obscure in their pirated vhs collection, i cant think of a possible reason anyone in my family would ever have been in the same room as a copy of this. like damned i havent even seen any of the youtubers that rate obscure bizzare movies even mention this fever dream. the highlight was probably when the talking mushrooms started breakdancing in a impressively racist manner like damned you raised the bar on racist cartoons somehow for about two minutes in an otherwise completely inoffensive movie from i think croatia. seriously its the best part, even better then when the cactus king summons his sapient weapon minions and engages his ferris wheel of doom to kill all the beavers

the animated series ‘superdave’ about a daredevil who gets repeatedly maimed, and repeatedly framed it as though he was a real person in the way jackie chan adventures does the animated series ‘wish kid’ where macully culkin aged 9 is granted basically fairy odd parents style wish abilities from a baseball glove. gilbert godfried its there, constantly, like hes almost there as much as the kid is holy crap i forgot the tazmanian devil got his own show for like five months yall remember when the ps1 first launched? when the game cases were strangely huge for no particular reason because they hadnt adopted the jewel cases yet and there were only like seven games available for the system and none of them even knew how to incorporate memory cards? ‘blazing dragons’ was a point and click adventure game that happened to be one of those seven games, eric idle was one of the people who made the game yet ive never met anyone who remembers playing the game or even hearing anything about it. yeah, this game had an animated series.... it was surprisingly witty in a were not even trying to make sense way that was purposefully avoiding explaining its world live action series ‘zoobalie zoo’ where people in the worst fursuits known to man just kind of exist in an almost entirely empty set where a handfull of circus cage wagons that i assume were their homes were the only structures outside of like two cardboard bushes why the hell was ‘mighty max’ not a cultural icon the way invader zim was, that show rocked so hard ‘the robonic stooges’ where the 3 stooges are robots jhon candy had an animated series where he played himself as a camp counselor. it.... kinda worked almost, blending the generic 80s camp movie ‘bad land developer’ formula with self aware complaints. it only stank a little the animated ‘happy days’ spinoff where they have a time traveling spaceship

not to be confused with the one where the partridge family lives in the year 3000, or when casper the ghost lives in space.... im beginning to see a trend here ‘starship troopers’ the CG series where surprisingly nobody ever died an animated series about a green rabbit on a spaceship that i only recently learned also was not a fever dream from when i was 8. all images i see of it only convince me more that im still hallucinating its existance i cant rmember the name of it but a live action series about aliens living on earth, all the adults have actual costumes to disguise themselves as humans but the baby, who is apperantly the ruler of the universe, is a disturbing pink puppet. also they have magic powers instead of technology and the theme song was ‘wishing on a star’. memories of this show still occasionally haunt me but it was still better then charles in charge just on novelty value there was a ‘jhonny quest’ reboot that aged him up and incorporated CG for a kind of cyberspace setting for the sole purpose they had a villian that was a quadrapallegic but could do things in the cyberspace setting, yet really nobody should have cared because the cyberspace setting wasnt connected to any real world imput devices so he was just the main boss of his own videogame why are you picking on this man. they were foggy on if haji actually had magic powers or just really hardcore yoga skills, and one fanatical zealot villian who basically escaped from the place they keep the well written batman antagonists you remember the ‘the way things work’ book? it had illustrations on every concept of physics and mechanical processes that used mammoths to explain everything from the screw to the lever to sewing machines to integrated circuits. yeah, it had an animated tv series .....somehow not to be confused with ‘cro’, an animated series about a mammoth that was frozen, thawed in the late 80s, was able to talk, and was a framing device for his stories of a weirdly sexily drawn caveman teen that invented all technology

it was basically ‘the croods’ but better and 30 years earlier a live action series based on ‘harry and the hendersons’.... im surprised they could create enough material for one full episode like seriously where do you go from there? its surprisingly hard to think of a story for ‘were a modern 80s family who has bigfoot as a roomate’ an animated series where a basketball player, baseball player, and hockey player are secretly superheroes. there was also a hardcore badass old lady who did most of the work. wayne gretszky was the one nobody respected the pocket dragons had a show. yes, a show based on collectable porcelain figurines that were marketed for their cute value on home shopping network CG series ‘vanpires’, yes it was about sapient cars that were vampires and actual live children who turned into cars that were vampires. that is all oh yeah, there was a back to the future animated series, i thought i repressed that better speaking of repressed memories, i cannot escape the knowledge that ‘super duper sumos’ and ‘mega babies’ existed, booze cannot erase this knowledge

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..