#hold up ima...ima sob real fast ;;--;;

[mrskurono]

So...okay...hear me out...

This man...

...Having a tea party with you

*inhales deeply* ...this is cheating bc you're my wife and you know how weak I am for tea parties 😤

This is a man so secure in himself and his choices that having an extravagant tea party is not something he shies away from.

Pre marriage he is only finding the finest places that go full on dress code and cotillion etiquette. Nothing is too much even if it is a months worth of prep with classes, shopping and more. Francis pries himself on that once in a life time feeling of seeing you stare at the grandeur of it all. Even if you're one of a baker's dozen in the same area doing the same thing. It doesn't matter he sees the way you look in that dress, sipping that tea and smiling like a fool. It's worth every penny to him.

Post marriage it doesn't stop. Half the time it's some place fancy he's been on a waiting list for and made up the complimentary outfits he's chosen for the both of you. The other half it's your favorite teas steeped under his watchful eye. Done up in his crisp suit as he both "waits" on you in the comfort of your own home. As well as your ver date to the tea party he set up by hand for the two of you. And still he stares at you with that dumb love struck smile as he did in the middle of that grand tea room years before.

With kids, doesn't matter the gender either, he loves tea parties at this point. Though exclusively at home at this point. Long gone are the cotillion etiquette and months long waiting list. Replaced with his favorite thing. Sitting at a cramp, too short table on his bum while his kids dress him up with beads, feather boas and whatever else they haul out of the closet. He's sipping fake tea and laughing with a god awful accent while the kids think it's the funniest thing in the world. Trying to mimic their father and crawl in his lap. The wait list for this place is almost exclusive. But there's always a spot at the table for you. And Francis looks at you with that same love struck look he did millions of years ago when it was just the two of you. If he could believe it, he might love these tea parties more than any of the others.

[youranxiousnerd]

Second Chances Thoughts

bc what

spoilers below

i have...thoughts

ah no chaotic intro, f in the chat

it’s still a nice intro, tho

IM SORRY ARE THEY NOT SHOWING THE TRANSFORMATION?!?!

WHAT

THIS IS A HATE CRIME /j

i used the thingy

no bows either?!?!

this is called high school musical: the musical: the series not high school musical: the backstage drama: the series

wow they got changed fast

“Passable!” 

I’ll be the judge of that oh wait i cant bc they didnt show us

YES QUEEN ASHLYN GETTING THE LOVE SHE DESERVES

ashlyn is such a queen

the perfect belle, stunning

“A couple letters, actually” it’s a sign (literally)

flower touch

AWWW REDLYN

STOP THEY’RE ADORABLE

they love each other so much

east high kids be snooping

not me thinking about carlos’ hand on seb’s back we were robbed im taking what i can get

“You were the perfect Belle tonight. I was really proud”

“Evil genius”

they’re so happy

AWWW A REDLYN KISS WHOOP WHOOP

kourt and howie are so awkward 

“drumroll?”

howie and seb would get along

weird little playoff, maybe he is lying?

they’re cute, tho

sad that they didn’t really get any build-up

“happy now?” “yes”

“If it’s with you, always” MY HEART

just like a fanfic

kourtney just invited north highs beast to east highs cast party

OH MY GOD MAZZARA IS ACTUALLY GETTING A STORY ABOUT HIM

i was not expecting that okay

ej and mazzara are the best

gina is so happy too bad it wont last

gina is an actress 

gahhhh portwell drama

oh god rini let the drama begin

that was very calm, did someone possess nini and ricky?

i really like them as best friends. i was a hardcore rini shipper last season but with all their constant conflict i realized how much fun they are as friends

“we are literally on the same page” 

“just for a moment” I LOST MY SHIT

miss jenn no

oooo seblos please be good

Seb calling Miss. Jenn out on her bullshit since idk when

“That’s a hard never mind now” okay wow

Miss. Jenn is Carlos’ godmother 

This is theatre, not football

CRYING GINA

gini

GINA SUPPORT DAY IS A THING PEOPLE!!!!!

oh wow a plot line actually being addressed

season 1 callback im not ready

gina and nini people!!! 

very sweet scene

ahha jamie callback we all knew it

i would really like to see miss jenns batb audition notes

“I’m in a great place, mentally” if you were you wouldn’t be saying that

OMFG IS SHE NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE!?!?!

like that was a big deal, a big effing deal and then nothing?

you told a kid to jump off something high and you can’t even say “sorry”?!?!

back to the miss jenn love triangle

“I think I’m happy, or gettin’ there”

ricky you don’t have to be there yet it’s okay

that line hit

SEASON 1 OUTFITS

CORE 4 SONG

killer harmonies

sofia giving us that alto rep!!

portwell duet! audition outfits

very good, very very good. this song kinda screams autotune but it still sounds very good. 

last song of the season NOOO but very fitting

Is it just me or does “Second Chance” look like a music video they show in Justice (the teen store) in 2014?

cast bonding yay!

PAUSE THE ONLY SEBLOS MOMENT WE GOT THIS EPISODE WAS A WRIST HOLD?!?!!

DISNEY WTF

LIKE EVERY COUPLE GOT THEIR MOMENT AND ALL THEY GET IS A WRIST HOLD

BFBLBFIWGFSDMBF

shit why does my favorite ship have to be the gay one on a disney show?

east high booing the lily and french boi has me on the floor

“Big Red, you were also in it” BEST LINE OF THE FINALE OMFG

i missed antoine 

sorry carlos has glitter on his face

seb’s smile and wave at north high why am i laughing?

off topic but i have unintentionally started doing the seb wave (you know the one) (with the fingers) in real life.

also gay chair sit

e.j is also doing the gay chair sit 

lily what

you have had like one conversation

ew

she says she likes his face but not his personality? 

im calling bullcrap

pause didn’t lily steal the harness? are we just going to forget about that

probably, the writers did forgot to develop seblos

Let Ricky be single challenge

ANTOINE MY LOVE

REDLYN I LOVE YOU

SHUSH EJ’S SPEECH TIME TO SOB

ummmm

so this season has been for nothing?

all the shit they went through (the self-doubt, relationship problems, the injuries, the death threats) is for nothing?!?

since when does Miss. Jenn not care anymore about the Menkies?!?!

I actually get the kids side of this, but not Miss. Jenn’s. 

I was surprised they took this route with the Menkies, didn’t even cross my mind 

“It was five”

Big Red x medicine 

bet your ass ashlyn would have gotten a nomination best actress

“We got a pizza oven” THE EAST HIGH KIDS ARE COMMITTING ARSON

is mazzara staying for miss jenn? they could do long distance but it doesnt have the best rep in this show

gini

ashlyn is the captain of the portwell ship and nini is her right hand man (or whatever second best is called in sailing)

NINI MAKIN THE DEALS

RICKY WHY ARE YOU CALLING HER

WHYYYYYY

“Will you be my first kiss” smiles

OH MY GOD

WAIT NOTHING

WHAT

OMFG THEY CUT IT LMAO

“this summer is about to get hot” SUMMER SEASON 3?!?!

ANTOINE

OMFG HE BETTER COME BACK

I LOVE ABF

WAIT THATS IT

FWBEGLEWG

THATS IT

hey they ended with andrew barth feldman what more can you ask for?

Thats...it?

Oh wait some cast stuff...brb ima cry. The ending has some very series finale energy...I’m scared. Natalie wouldn’t have done the “buckle up wildcats” if there wasn’t a season 3, right? But the bloopers at the end...

The cast ending was great. “You are the Music in Me” was so heartfelt and I’m a sucker for bloopers.

Wait so no Lily home? It was probably a cut scene. 

If we got Lily home, can we get an album with the cast singing all the BATB songs? 

I have so many mixed feelings about this episode. Here is the thing, if you love the core 4 then this was your episode. If you’re like me and prefer the side leads then this was probably a little disappointing since we barely saw them. This episode felt rushed and a little messy, but there were some great moments. Season 2′s writing has felt a little weird. This season lacked the chaotic theater kid energy season 1 had. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with the show. If/when we get a season 3 I really hope the writers find that energy again.

Let’s all give a round of applause for the cast and crew who filmed majority of the season during a global pandemic. That could not have been easy. They gave us a pretty good season under crazy conditions. They definitely had to change some things to fit the current climate. Overall, hats off the the cast and crew because you guys killed it. 

I’m really going to miss this show, hopefully it gets renewed. It has become a comfort show these past several weeks. My sanity says “no, don’t go” but my sleep schedule says “leave.”

To second chances!!

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

In Exchange (Tivali)

Tali’s parents are terrified when she suddenly comes down with a case of appendicitis. 

Read here or on AO3 or ff

___________________

"What it's like to be a parent: it's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but in exchange, it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love."

-Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

___________________

"Ima, Daddy, I don't feel so good," Tali mumbles one night after dinner.

"What hurts?" Tony asks.

"My tummy."

Ziva purses her lips, not unsympathetic. "I did tell you to eat more slowly, did I not, ahava shelli? You probably have gas. I know it is uncomfortable, but it will pass."

"But what do I do to make it stop hurting now?" Tali whines.

"Oh, that's an easy one," Tony answers. "You just have to ride a bike."

Tali frowns. "Ride a bike? But it's night time, Daddy."

Tony laughs, standing and offering his hand. Tali takes it, distracted momentarily from her discomfort. "Not a real bike, baby girl. C'mere, I'll show you."

He leads her to the living room and has her lay on her back on the sofa. "Alright, now give me your feet." Tali laughs a little at the strange request but sticks her legs up in the air all the same. "Perfect. Okay, so I'm going to hold onto your feet and push on them and you bend your knees—we'll work together to make it seem like you're pedaling really fast. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Smart girl. Ready… go!" He starts singing a silly song under his breath as they move. "Ride a bike, ride a bike, ride a bike, bike, bike!" Tali is clearly tickled, and she giggles for a minute after they stop. "Did it work?" Tony asks, grinning at her mirth.

"How do I know if it did?"

"It worked if it made you toot."

"Toot? Ew, Daddy! That's gross!"

"Maybe it is, Tali-Tee," Tony says, teasingly poking her sides to make her squirm, "but it'll make your tummy feel better. So did it work?"

"No."

"Alright, we'll just try again."

When it still doesn't work a second time, Tony exchanges mildly concerned glances with Ziva. Tali probably just has a bit of a stomach bug or maybe some constipation, but it's something they'll need to keep an eye on, just in case.

___________________

Ziva goes to check on Tali a few hours after bedtime, and at first, all seems well. Tali is sleeping soundly, showing no signs of distress.

Moved by tenderness, Ziva leans down to kiss the sleeping girl's face, but she jerks back a little almost immediately. Tali's skin feels too warm, probably feverish. Combined with the upset stomach she had earlier, it's slightly worrying.

Trying not to jump to conclusions, Ziva fetches a thermometer and runs it lightly across Tali's forehead. When it beeps, she turns it over so she can see the screen—it reads 38. It is a fever, but it's not a high one, thank goodness.

Ziva is kneeling next to the bed, trying to decide what to do, when she hears her name being whispered. "Ziva?" She looks up to see Tony in the doorway. "Is she alright?"

Ziva holds up the thermometer so he can see. "She has a fever. I am not sure what to do. If it was higher, I would wake her to give her medicine, but… since it is still low, should we wake her, or let her sleep?"

Tony considers that for a moment. "I think we should probably give her some paracetamol. The fever may be low now, but getting ahead of it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world."

Ziva nods and starts to stand, but Tony shakes his head. "You go ahead and wake her up. I'll go get the medicine."

He disappears from the doorway, and Ziva starts gently petting Tali awake. "Hamuda, it is time to open your eyes," she murmurs. "Come now, wake up, little one."

Slowly, Tali emerges from sleep, opening her eyes and then fluttering them closed again into a squinty frown to ward against the dim light spilling in from the hallway. "'s morning already? I wanna go back to sleep."

Ziva can't help smiling at the complaint. Tali really is just like her father. "No, it is not morning, and you can go back to sleep. Abba and I just need you to take a little medicine first." She hears footsteps and then Tony's hand appears in her field of vision, offering a little measuring cup full of thick red liquid. "It is the kind you like best—cherry!"

With her eyes still clenched shut, Tali opens her mouth. Ziva pours the medicine in. "How does your tummy feel tonight, my love?"

"Hurts." She already sounds like she's halfway back to sleep, though, which is reassuring. It must not hurt too badly.

Tony pats Tali's foot over the blanket. "I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning, baby. You can go back to sleep now."

"'Kay." Within a few moments, she's breathing deeply and evenly again, fast asleep.

___________________

The rest of the night passes without incident. Tali wakes up in a bad mood, though, and only picks at her breakfast. "I don't want this," she finally says, grumpily pushing her bowl away with enough force that milk slops over the side and onto the table.

Tony frowns at her. "You don't have to eat it if you're not hungry, but don't make a mess just because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, Tals," he scolds lightly.

"I didn't mean to!" Tali snaps, and she promptly bursts into furious tears.

Stricken, Tony gives Ziva a wide-eyed look. Help?

Ziva stoops in front of Tali, reaching up to wipe tears off of her face. "What is the matter, Tali? We have nothing to cry about, yes?"

"I—" Tali's sobbing so hard that she has to catch her breath before she can speak. "I don't—I don't feel gooood!" she wails.

"It is okay, sweet one, it is all going to be okay," Ziva coos, drawing Tali into her arms and rubbing her back. "Shh. Take deep breaths, my love." Over the top of Tali's head, Ziva gives Tony a mild reproachful look, and the look he gives her back clearly says 'I didn't mean to upset her!'

When Tali calms, Ziva pulls out of the clingy hug and pushes Tali's tear-wet hair out of her face. "That is better," she says, keeping her voice low and soothing. "Now, can you use your words? Can you tell me exactly what does not feel good?"

"My tummy, Ima. It still hurts!"

"Worse than yesterday?"

"Ken."

"Show me where, please?"

Tali points to her belly button, her lip trembling as tears threaten again. Suddenly, though, she goes a little green and turns around to run to the bathroom.

Her parents follow, wincing as she throws up in the toilet. Tony loosely holds her hair back so it doesn't get caught up in the stream of sick. When she seems done, Ziva grabs a cup from under the sink and fills it with water so Tali can rinse and spit. "Should we take her to the pediatrician?" Tony asks under his breath.

"Maybe," Ziva agrees in an undertone.

Tali, however, overhears. "No!" she cries. "No doctors!"

Tony and Ziva exchange looks again. "A doctor might be able to help you feel better, though, love," Tony reminds their daughter.

"No!" Tali repeats fiercely. She's deathly afraid of needles, which has given her a general case of white coat syndrome. Her parents know that she's likely to upset herself significantly if they try to drag her to a medical office. They exchange one more look, and then…

"You do not have to see a doctor right now, but if you start to feel worse, Tali, you must tell us, yes?" Ziva compromises, gentle but firm.

"Fine," Tali mutters. "I wanna go lay down."

"Go for it, darlin'," Tony tells her. "That's a good idea. I'm going to put a trash can next to your bed in case you have to be sick again."

A few minutes later, Tali's back in bed and Tony and Ziva are in the kitchen talking, worried. "Maybe it's just a stomach bug, but… I don't know. I don't have a good feeling, Ziva," Tony says quietly.

"I do not feel good about it, either," Ziva agrees. "We may need to go to a hospital rather than the pediatrician if she gets worse. But—she will be…" she trails off, apprehensive.

"She'll be fine."

Tony's not sure who he's trying to convince—Ziva or himself.

___________________

An hour later, no one is convinced. When Tali wakes up in hysterical tears, she stumbles out of her room clutching her abdomen, seriously alarming both of her parents. "It hurts!" she sobs. "My tummy hurts!"

Tony reaches out to feel her forehead and grimaces. "Ziva, she's burning up. I think it's time."

Ziva nods seriously.

"Time for what?" Tali demands, her tears taking on a fearful edge.

"It is time to visit the hospital, little one," Ziva says softly.

"Noooo!" she wails, backing away. "No hospitals! I don't want to go to the hospital!"

Tony kneels in front of her, mindful not to spook her further. "Hey, Ima and I will be right there with you, baby. We'll be there the whole time. I know it's scary, but if your tummy is sick, we need to see a doctor about it. It's the only way you're gonna feel better, sweetheart."

Tali stamps her foot, trying to look fiercer than she feels. "No. I won't go!"

"Yes, Tali, you will. I am sorry that you are afraid, ahava shelli, but this is important. You are very grown up, and very brave. I have faith in your ability to do what you must. If you cannot, however, we will have to carry you." With Ziva and Tali wearing matching frowns, they look so incredibly similar.

Tali glares between her parents and then makes a break for it, aiming to hide in her room. Tony deftly catches her, however, and murmurs "I'm so sorry" to her as she struggles against him. He turns to Ziva, rising to his feet with his daughter in his arms. "Let's go. Now," he says grimly.

___________________

By the time they reach Hôpital Necker, the nearest children's hospital, Tony and Ziva are both white-faced and anxious, and Tali is inconsolable. The five-year-old has spent the ride fighting desperately to escape, fearing the hospital far more than whatever's upsetting her stomach.

They bring her inside; Ziva goes to talk to the triage nurse while Tony maintains a tight told on Tali, keeping up a constant stream of murmured reassurances to the terrified child. She has mostly stopped trying to run, but he doesn't set her down—he can't let her know, but he's just as afraid as she is. There's little he can do to protect her, but he can hold onto her and keep her safe for now, at least.

It isn't long before they're in a room and things start moving… Tali gets changed into a hospital gown, her tiny hand gets a new IV, and a doctor comes in to examine her. He can't determine much without some tests, so they draw blood, have Tali pee in a cup, and order a CT.

Tali, for her part, has calmed to mere wide-eyed trembling, and she even sits still for the needle sliding into her vein for the IV—so long as Ima keeps holding her hand tightly, that is. She loses it again, though, when she's informed that Ima and Daddy can't go to the CT room with her. Then she struggles so much that the doctor decides she needs to be sedated.

Ziva thinks there's little that's more painful than watching all the fight leave her tiny daughter.

As the medicine takes effect, Tali's eyes start to droop and her death grip on Ziva's hand becomes slackened. Then someone arrives to roll her away, they kiss her gently and tell her they'll see her in a minute, and she's gone.

Ziva sinks into a chair in the corner, suddenly absolutely exhausted.

She feels a hand on her cheek and glances up to find Tony looking at her with concern. "Are you alright, sweet cheeks?"

She can't lie, not to him, not now, so she shakes her head.

"Hey. She'll be back in a few minutes. This is just a test, remember?"

"I know. But… they put medicine in her IV and her hand just went so… limp. I did not like that feeling. It scared me."

Tony sighs, taking her hand to pull her to her feet and then tugging her into a hug. He rests his chin on the top of her head. "I didn't like it, either," he agrees. "You held it together for her until she was gone, though, and I know it helped. She thinks you're fearless."

Ziva lets out a breath of a laugh, pressing her face against Tony's shoulder and drawing comfort where it's offered. "She could not be more wrong."

"Ah, she doesn't need to know that," Tony replies comfortably. "Let her believe you're a superhero for a few more years. I haven't quite grown out of that one myself."

___________________

Tali is returned to them a few minutes later, and then begins a game of hurry-up-and-wait.

The little one dozes on and off on her bed while her mother whispers Hebrew bedtime stories that Tali's too out of it to grasp; talking helps Ziva, though, and she keeps going. Tony sits quietly on the other side of the bed, updating friends and family through text messages. The irony of this role-reversal isn't lost on either Tony or Ziva; the current crisis has drawn him into silence and her into chatter.

After forty-five minutes, the doctor comes back in. "We got the results of Tali's CT scan back," he tells them, and Tali's parents both sit up, alertly focused. "It looks like she has appendicitis. Now," he continues, seeing the alarmed looks Tony and Ziva are sending each other, "I know that sounds scary, and it's true that it does require surgery. It's very routine, though, and it's common. Our surgeons know what they're doing. Your daughter will be fine."

Tali is still too heavily medicated to pay much attention to the conversation, which is good.

"How long will it take?" Tony asks.

"It should be about an hour, maybe two. The surgeon will be able to answer your questions in more detail, though."

Tony and Ziva both have more things they want to ask, but after a rapid silent conversation between them, Ziva nods. "Thank you, doctor. We will wait to talk to the surgeon."

The doctor leaves, and Tony turns back to Tali, who's staring off into space. "Hey, Tali-Tee?"

"Yeah, Daddy?" she asks, smacking her lips sleepily.

"Did you hear what the doctor said?"

"Yeah," she confirms, but she doesn't elaborate.

"Did you understand what the doctor said?"

"Oh, um, no."

That draws a little smile to the worried father's face, and he runs his hands through Tali's hair, tender and concerned and, as always, absolutely full of affection for his tiniest girl. "They found out what's wrong with your tummy. You've got a little piece of you in there that's really mad right now, so another doctor is going to take that piece out so it doesn't hurt you. Does that make sense?"

"Why's it mad?" Tali asks, confused.

"It heard all of Abba's silly jokes and got angry because they were not funny," Ziva chips in. The attempt at levity is weak, but it brings a woozy smile to Tali's face.

"You wound me!" Tony complains, a hand clutching his chest, and Tali giggles.

"How do they take that piece out?" she asks once her laughter dies away.

"First, they give you a special medicine that makes you take a nap, yes?" Ziva explains, lightly tapping the IV with one finger. "While you are sleeping, they make a little tiny cut or two on your tummy and pull that angry piece right out. Then they put on some bandages and wake you up again!"

"I don't want any more needles," Tali complains, but the remnants of the sedative keep her from panicking about it.

"No, baby, no more needles. That's what the IV is for, so they don't have to stick you again."

"You promise?"

"We promise."

___________________

The staff lets Ziva and Tony walk with the gurney as they take Tali to the operating room, and they're grateful. Tali has been given more medications and isn't too bothered by the whole thing for now, but her parents are another story.

At the door to the surgical wing, they have to say goodbye.

"You can't come?" Tali asks, frowning and looking back and forth between her parents until she gets dizzy. "Are you sure?"

Tony jerks his head at one of the scrub-adorned nurses that's about to take the gurney away and shakes his head. "Aurélia here runs a tight ship, Tali-Tee. I think she'd fight us if we tried, and look at those muscles! She'd win!"

"Nobody wins against Ima," Tali contradicts, and Ziva grins.

"And do not forget it." She leans down and kisses Tali's head before switching to Hebrew. The rest is meant for Tali's ears only. "I love you more than anything in the world, my sweet girl," she whispers. "I will be waiting for you when you wake up. You will be fine. I cannot wait to see you again—we have been through bigger things before, yes? We always make it through, you and I. I love you," she repeats, then steps back so Tony can say goodbye, too.

Tony picks up one of Tali's curls between two fingers and drops it again, smiling at her fondly. "I don't speak any super fun languages to tell you secrets in, but don't let that fool you into thinking your mother loves you more," he jokes. "Just you wait, kid—before you know it, we'll be back to running around the apartment at full speed, knocking things off the walls and driving her nuts. Can't wait, baby. I love you lots. See you soon."

"I love you, too, Daddy, Ima," Tali replies, and then she's waving as the nurses roll her away.

Then it's just Tony and Ziva, and Ziva's smile slides right off her face. "We need to go to the waiting room so we will be ready when they come to update us," she says stonily, and turns to walk away without waiting for an answer.

Tony, who had been somewhat afraid of this sort of thing happening, follows her without comment. It's clear that she's been holding back in deference to Tali's own fear, and the fallout isn't going to be pretty once she acknowledges her emotions.

When they get to the waiting room, Tony picks a chair and sits, but Ziva doesn't join him. Instead, she starts to pace, up and down the short aisle of chairs—back and forth, back and forth, something twitchy in her movements. She's acting like a caged animal.

Suddenly, she stops, grabbing onto the back of a chair tightly with both hands and staring off into the distance. Her breathing grows shallow and uneven. "Ziva," Tony says quietly.

She doesn't respond.

This isn't the first anxiety attack she's had since reuniting with her family, but this is the first one she's had in public in the last few months. Tony really isn't sure how to react; he doesn't want to startle her, but he also doesn't want to let her panic indefinitely. Slowly, cautiously, he gets to his feet and stands in front of her. "Ziva, look at me. Please."

She does, but she clearly isn't seeing him. Dark, wide, and fearful, her eyes stare at something that's not there.

"Ziva." Tony gently takes one of her hands, and she jumps. Her eyes focus in on him, though, and she seems to remember where she is. Unfortunately, that does the opposite of calming her. All of the sudden, she's hyperventilating and trembling, her eyes clear but wild. "Hey. Ziva. Ziva, listen to me. Just listen, okay?"

She nods desperately, searching for something to hold onto.

"Tali is going to be fine. She's our daughter, remember? She's made of strong stuff. This is a really straightforward surgery, that's what the surgeon said—it's the single most commonly performed emergency surgery for kids."

"But— but I cannot—" As she tries to get the words out, tears start to escape her eyes, trailing down her face and dripping onto her shirt.

"Hey, take a deep breath and try again. Come on, love."

Ziva makes a conscious effort to follow his instructions. "I cannot lose her," she says, swallowing hard. "I have only had her back for—not even two months now, Tony. I cannot—I have lost too much. I would not survive losing Tali."

"You won't." This is firm, almost angry, daring the universe to argue. "We won't. Can you believe that for an hour? Just one hour. Then our girl will be out of surgery and waking up and this will all seem like a bad dream."

"One hour?" Ziva repeats.

"One hour," Tony confirms.

"I will… try."

"That's my girl." Not caring at all that they're in a waiting room full of strangers, Tony lightly drops his forehead to rest against Ziva's. "I'm proud of you," he whispers. "You and Tali both, you're tough as nails."

In response, she kisses him chastely, and then tucks her face against his neck. It's a comforting place to hide, warm and surrounded by someone who would follow her to the ends of the earth, someone who always, always has her back.

They stay there until someone comes to get them.

___________________

Tali is fast asleep when they're finally allowed back to see her, but it doesn't matter. She's breathing and her face is—for now—clear of any pain. She'll be back to normal in a few weeks.

Ziva cries again when they see her. This time, there's no panic attached, but… she's softer now than she used to be. She tries to let herself feel all of the reactions she tried to hide before, because her family deserves her emotional honesty. Something tells her that Tony gets it, because he gives her a warm, sympathetic smile and wraps his arm around her. He holds her until she's done crying.

This feels like the first real parenting test they've faced together, and it's an enormous relief to be on the other side of it.

Tali starts to snore, and they know that everything will be alright.

[hismissharley13]

Eight Years

I hadn’t seen Jax in what felt like forever.  He had told me that he didn’t want me coming up to Stockton to visit, I got it. I always panicked when he got hurt and let’s face it, jail time was not about to go smoothly for a member of Samcro.  Hell, even if Jax wasn’t a patch, he’d find trouble.  That guy had a knack for it.

I figured I’d head over to the clubhouse, everyone was going to be heading straight there...Jax wouldn’t live ‘til the next day if he didn’t see Gemma straight away.  Honestly, the woman was a force to be reckoned with.  Past experience taught me that she had no issue with coming to see her son, regardless of what he was doing.  She never batted an eye the time he’d visited me first when he returned from a run, he’d been balls-deep in me and she just walked in like she owned the damn place.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked her.  She was a caring woman with a huge heart, who’d do absolutely anything to save her family.  She just expected to be put first.  I got that, I really did.  So that’s why I resolved to meet him at the club house each time.  It saved me the embarrassment.

The celebration was in full swing by the time I’d arrived, I wanted to make sure that I looked my best.  My long hair swung slightly with each step, tendrils teased wayward by the slight breeze.  The heels of my boots clacked loudly on the sidewalk, then crunched as I reached the gravel by the club.  There were a few people outside, chatting in the cool evening air.  As I approached, Gemma turned and greeted me with a megawatt smile,

“Hey there sweetheart, up for a party?”

“Hi Gem, I’m looking forward to seeing that son of yours,” I hugged her in greeting and she motioned me inside,

I got two steps into the club and the room spun.  Well, I was spun around in a pair of trunk-like arms.  I let out a laugh of half-surprise, half-amusement as Opie set me back on my feet with a grin,

“Welcome home, Ope,” I giggled at him.  Even in the gloom I saw the bruised eye and cut above his brow and frowned.  Leaning up on tip-toes I kissed his whiskery cheek before stepping around him.  There was a lot of people here this evening, as usual it took me an age to even make it as far as the bar.  I tended to stay out of the way when Jax wasn’t about, so everyone took the opportunity to catch up with me, too.

I leaned across the bar to give Chibs a kiss hello, grimacing as my bare forearms stuck to the tacky residue of liquor on the bar-top.  He grinned, the dimples deepening around the scars on his cheeks as he handed me a cloth to wipe my arms,

“Sorry lass, the prospects hav’nae got the hang of pouring the drink intae the glasses instead of over the bar yet,”

“S’ok Chibby, I’ll live.  Can I have a whiskey and coke please?”

I watched as he poured, the golden liquid coating the glass, two finger widths up the side, three cubes of ice and topped with cola.  Chibs always made the perfect mix, he knew exactly how I liked it and always had a smug look on his face when i smacked my lips in approval at the first taste.

“See boys?  Tha’s how tae make a woman smile,” he winked at me roguishly.  I couldn’t help but grin back at him.  Turning my back on the bar, I scanned the room for the one I’d come to see.  I strained to see over the heads of those in the club and failed.  Huffing to myself I climbed up onto the bar to better view the room; Bobby and Juice were at the pool table, looked like they were playing pairs with a couple of crow eaters, there was Lyla talking to Clay and Piney.  Shit.  Lyla being here meant Ima was likely sniffing round the place too.  If she was sniffing round the club she was indubitably sniffing round Jax.  Jax who I couldn’t currently see.  I dropped my gaze and saw two blue eyes looking up at me, crinkled in a grin.  I squatted down onto my haunches and Tig’s hands grabbed my hips, lifting me down to the floor with ease,

“Hiya Tiggy,” I mumbled in his ear as he squeezed me into a hug, “Where’s my guy?”

“Hey baby-doll, I think he went to his bunk.  I’ve not seen him for a little while.  You doin’ ok beautiful?”

“Yeah I’m good thanks, glad to have you all back,”

“Damn good to be back, I tell ya.  Now go find Jax,” he ushered me off with a wicked leer and a smack on the ass.

A few more hugs and hellos got me to the corridor.  I brushed my fingers along the blue tank of JT’s bike fondly as I passed, the sensation of the cool metal comforting.  I took a mouthful of my drink, feeling the warmth slide down my throat and settle in my belly.  As I reached Jax’s room, I noticed the door was shut.  Maybe he just needed some alone time; not something he would have had much of this last eight months.  I stood motionless for a short time outside the door, my eyes tracing the grain of the wood as my mind processed the trains of thought, the anticipation building within me.  I filled my lungs and pushed the air out in a slow stream as I grasped the brass of the door handle.  The metal turned easily in my fingers and the door separating me from Jax swung away.

In times of trauma, most people describe it afterwards like it happened in slow motion, or so fast it was a blur.  That wasn’t what it was like for me.  Everything happened in real time, but I noticed every detail.

The spin of the glass as it left my hand.

The drops of liquid as they formed an arc.

The change of expression on Jax’s face.

The smug smirk on Ima’s.

The scuffle as Jax pulled his jeans up.

The smash of the glass against the wall.

The tone of regret in his voice as he said my name.

The crawling feeling of my skin when he touched me.

“It’s not what it looks like,”

I shrugged my arm roughly out of his hands.  Hands that less than a minute ago had been rocking Ima onto his dick.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot, Jax.” I said coldly.  At that moment, I felt nothing but disgust.

“Please, wait, just-”

“-just what, Jax?  What the hell do you think you’re doing? No, you know what?  I don’t give a shit.  I don’t care what you have to say,” He reached for me again and I held a finger up in warning, “NO, you don’t get to fucking touch me,” 

“Where are you going?” he pleaded in a pained voice as i whirled around and stalked down the corridor,

“It’s really not your business any more.” I replied stonily.  I wasn’t going to give him or Ima the satisfaction of my rage.  I strode into the thick of the party and collided with Tig,

“Whoa where’s the fire?” he grabbed my arms instinctively and caught sight of my face, “Baby what’s wrong?”

I looked up into his concerned face mutely.  His lips drew into a line and he ushered me into the club room.  Once the doors had shut, he thumbed away the tears that had escaped onto my cheeks.  Ducking down slightly he asked me again,

“What’s wrong?”

“I, uh, don’t think Jax and I are gonna work out,” I whispered with a watery smile.  Our attentions were drawn to the sudden lack of music.  Jax’s voice rang through the quiet,

“Where’s Kat?  Has anyone seen her?” 

Tig looked at me and I just shook my head.  I couldn’t bring myself to face Jax.  Not right then.  Not after what he had just done.  He took my cue and slid out into the main room.  I heard Clay’s voice answer first,

“What’s up, son?”

“I need to speak to Kat, where is she?”

“I uh, think she left, brother,” Oh Tig, thank you, “she seemed to be in a hurry, man,”

“Shit,”

A few moments of murmured voices indicated Jax leaving.  Tig sidled back into the room where I remained stood in the dark, trembling.   Clay pushed the door open slowly,

"Wanna tell me what's got you lyin’ to your VP?"

"Look, all I know is Kat is upset and Jax seems to be th-ah shit, you gotta be kidding me," Tig had looked over Clay's shoulder and must have seen Ima emerging from the dorms.  Lyla's shrill demand from the other side of the window confirmed it,

"Really, Ima? Jax?  Are you serious?"

Her smug purr made me want to smack her mouth to the other side of her face as she replied,

“Oh please, Lyla, he was practically begging me for it.  Who am I to deny the Vice Pres?”

Clay's indistinct growl pulled my attention back as he let the door swing shut again.  I wasn’t even aware that I was crying at first.  Tig's arms were suddenly enveloping me as silent sobs racked my body.  I got control of myself and concentrated on the scent of leather and Tig's cologne to ground me again.  He was stroking my hair softly, his chin resting on top of my head as he held me tight to him.  As I made to move, he loosened his grip but kept hold of me.  His eyes searched mine as I sniffled,

"Please tell me he wasn't as stupid as I think he was,"

My nod confirmed Tig's suspicion. He dragged a hand down his face in exasperation,

"Stupid sonofa-" the door opening again interrupted his sneer.  I noticed the music had started again when Clay came back into the room,

"I figured sending him out somewhere would be the best option, I don’t know what happened but I think I have a fair idea,” he looked expectantly at Tig.

“Yeah, good.  I'm gonna take Kat to my room until this is figured out.  Do me a favour boss, get rid of that fucking gash Ima,"

Clay's face twisted into a cruel smile, "I'll get Gemma right on it,"

I had no idea what his plans were, right then I didn't care.  I just wanted time to process what the fuck had happened.  I remained silent as Tig ushered me wordlessly to his bunk, thankfully the opposite end of the corridor to Jax's. He sat me on the bed and left, returning with two glasses and a bottle of Jamiesons.

I watched as Tig poured the whiskey, handing me a glass and sipping his own.

"You gonna talk to me, sweetheart?"

I heaved a sigh and swallowed a mouthful of my drink,

"When I opened the door to his room, I was gonna surprise him.  Seems I was surplus to requirement.  He was fucking her into the bed...

...I know on a run there's sweetbutts and things happen, I accept that.   I don't ask.  I don't want to know.  But he's not on a run, Tig, he's home.  I don't know why, I don't-" a slug of whiskey calmed the sobs threatening to break through, "It hurts.   God it hurts so bad," the tears flowed freely as I acknowledged the pain.   I had no more to say,

"Let it out baby doll,"

I held my head in my hands as I felt myself crumble.  I couldn't believe he'd done that to me.  All the promises, all the ‘I love you’s, it all meant nothing.  Eight long years.  I wondered how long he'd been cheating for?  After all, if he'd done it once...

The mattress sank to my left as Tig sat down next to me.  He topped off my glass first then his own before offering me a cigarette.  I took it and allowed him to light it for me.   He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I exhaled the smoke.  When we had finished in silence, he spoke softly,

"You found a level?" He instinctively knew not to ask if I felt better.  Like I could.

"Lil bit," I chewed my lip as I contemplated the liquor swirling in the glass.   I took another mouthful as I considered my request carefully, "I don't wanna be alone tonight,"

"Ok sweetheart, you want me to call someone for you?"

"No, I don't want everyone to know.  Can I stay here?" I instantly felt guilty.  Tig had been just as confined as the rest whilst inside, no doubt he'd be wanting a release, "no, sorry Tig.  Forget I asked.  I'll go back to the apartment, I've no doubt you've got some catching up to do," I shook my head with a smile,

"Like hell you will,"

"But,"

"But nothing, sweetheart.   You're hurting.  I'm here for you.   Anything you need. I'll sleep on the floor, you can take the bed,"

"Tig I'm not kicking you out of your own bed on your first night of freedom, share with me,"

Tig looked at me carefully, studiously, like he was trying to read my thoughts.

"You sure you wanna?"

"Look, the guy I've spent eight years of my life with has hurt me tonight beyond measure.   Even if you screwed me and dropped me tomorrow, I don't think I could feel any worse,"

“Oh baby, no,” I didn’t know how much of Tig’s sigh was sympathy and how much was denial.  I felt his eyes searching within me.  I was suddenly very aware of how close his body was to mine.  He shifted slightly towards me and the mood in the room shifted with him.

The air pressed on every inch of my skin.  I felt as if we were connected by an invisible band, pulling me in closer.  I felt like I was drowning.  Like he was my oxygen.  I needed him.   My eyes moved from his electric blue gaze to his lips, watching his tongue dart out across the length of his lower lip.  I felt myself moving closer to him.  He reciprocated.  I trapped my lip between my teeth, allowing it to pull itself free as my eyes flicked back to his.  His fingers ran the length of my jaw as he grazed the pad of his thumb along my lips.  I felt the cool metal of his jewellery in stark contrast to the heated flush of my cheek.

“Sweet girl,” he shook his head a little from side to side as his fingers edged round the back of my neck, “you deserve so much better,” his gaze grew darker as he moved his face towards mine.

I wanted him to know me.  I needed him to heal me.  I had to feel wanted.  Worth something.  I leaned ever closer, intoxicated by the intertwining aromas of whiskey, smoke and leather mixing with his cologne.  My eyes closed momentarily, an invitation.

The spark ignited the charged atmosphere as our lips met...

@charmingoutlaws

@cole-winchester

@hanaissupergirl

Special thanks to my beta readers @twistedrunes @5sos1dsex @scarnotmufasa and @cole-winchester for your eyes and feedback!

[little-owly]

please imagine dark being desperate to pee but having a passionate argument with someone (probably wilford) so he puts it off, then just as the argument reaches its climax (kinky) dark just,, loses it and pees all over the floor, soaking his suit and all (and getting horribly humiliated by wilford and probably subsequently turned on) -ima be 🥂 anon

PLEASE YES GIVE ME MORE HUMILIATION WITH THE EGOS I CRAVE IT SO FUCKING B A D L YThe meeting room is filled with the egos as they continue to argue over the newest project to take over Mark's channel -- Ma//rkip//lier TV. Some saw it as an amazing and fool proof plan to help tarnish Mark's reputation and gain control. Others saw it as yet another waste of time and resources. Take a wild guess at which side Dark was on. It didn't change the fact he's had to relieve himself for nearing an hour and a half now. Not daring to leave the meeting room, the last time he did -- he had returned to an all out physical fight between Wilford and Ed Ed//gar. One that required many many many long visits to Dr. Ipl//ier to heal them both. Dark had been subtle about his pressing and desperate need. Keeping his thighs close together. Sneaking a hand in between his legs to hold himself when needed (or when Goo//glepl//ier and The Ho//st weren't looking). Dark could practically /feel/ his bladder bulging against his suit. The need growing even more as he endured the arguing. The idiots not backing down from their arguments. "Enough!" Wilford yells, hitting his fist against the oak table. Angry and frustrated -- why wouldn't Dark and half of the others see how amazing the project was? How easy it'd be, how useful it would be! "Don't be an idiot, Wil." Dark groans from the other end of the table. Why did he have to be stuck with a murderous dumbass for a leader? Why couldn't Wilford just /end the damn meeting or call a break?/"Excuse me? You got something to say, Dark?""You. Heard. Me." Dark growls. Blue and red glitching around his body. Oh. So he wants to play like /that/. Throwing another tantrum like a child because he can't get his way. Or maybe jealous he could never organize what he did. Typical Dark. "Actually, no, I didn't. Your VHS static background bullshit is louder than ever. Learn to control it and /maybe/ I can understand you for fuckin' once." Wilford retorts. A smirk on his face as he watches Dark slowly come undone. Something he knew Dark hated to do, especially in front of their fellow egos. The same egos that looked up to them. What can he say? It was fun. "Maybe you should learn to tell the difference between a good idea and a horrid idea." Dark replies, anger rising in him quickly, as it always did. "Drop the subject and move onto whatever is next on the agenda for today. "No.""Wil. Move on with whatever else is in the agenda for today--""And I said no." He smiles, "actually, lets /stay/ on this topic! Now, who signed up for what show?"No one dared to speak. Bim looking over at Dr. Ipl//ier. The Ho//st resting his head in his hands. Even Goo//glepl//ier whirled on stand by as the tension grew. And Dark still shuffled in his seat. Ever so discreetly."Nobody wants to talk about your moronic idea because we all know it's going to fail. We all know it's going to fail like the other plans you had." Dark growls again, "call a break so we can regroup and figure out a new plan by me--""Shut the fuck up, Dark." Wilford spits out, "you think you're really this great? You think you're the best out of all of us? You're not -- you're just as stuck and lost here as the rest of us--""Wil. Chose your next words carefully." "Oh, is that a warning? Did little old me strike a nerve in you? Or are you just trying to keep up the tough evil front? I know what you're really like,"Wilford steps away from the front of the meeting room. All eyes on him as he approaches Dark. Pulling him from the table -- Dark using each bit of willpower he has to not hopelessly wet himself. No, not here. And especially not in front of Wilford. "I know your fears. Your secrets. Your weaknesses. You may think you're the manipulative cunning bastard here but I'm not as dumb as I look." Wilford smiles. "Get away from me." Dark growls out again. Trying to scoot back into the table. All the egos staring him down. Waiting a response. "No. Not until you admit my idea is a good one. Not until you greenlight it and let me fuckin' work." "Never." He groans. "Never in my life would I go along with such a moronic idea. You're a murder. You're an idiot. You're some nobody who spews lies and you know it," he huffs, his bladder screaming at him to go, "hardworking? Smart? Amazing? What, are you describing everything you can't be?"Wilford lifted his hand without warning and slapped Dark. No longer caring for words. Dark's entire head moving with the slap. The echo of it surrounding the room. Some egos gasping, others looking away, some even looking at Wilford in horror."You...you fucking lunatic! You imbecile!" Dark outright screams, standing from his seat. Fists clenched and ready to pounce, "do you have any idea what I am?! I am created from the darkest arts and most ancient rituals your mere mortal brain can never under-fucking-stand! I am the evil of manipulation and greed smashed together! I am an enteral fucking flame and you, you freak, do not EVER lay your hands on me--"Dark closes his eyes tightly as it happens. The floodgates opening as he struggled to keep balance. It moved so fast, emotions getting in the way of his concentration. Anger and pain distracting him from his bladder's pleas for relief. The warm urine rushed down his legs. Soaking his grey suit a dark, nearly black, color. Obvious to the others what was happening. The hissing combined with the pitter pattering of the urine -- forming a sizable puddle under his and Wilford's feet -- made Dark nearly cry. His worst fear coming true: coming undone and becoming vulnerable. He sobs as the stream dies down. Wet warmth hugging his crotch and legs. Socks, pants, and underwear completely soaked. Some egos look away in respect. Others sit open mouth and surprised. Oh, but not Wilford. Definitely not Wilford."Did...did you just piss yourself? Oh...ha...ha ha ha ha!" Wilford doubles over laughing. Crying with laughter and pointing like a schoolboy. Cheeks and face glowing red as he laughed harder, "oh! Oh my god, he's crying!"The egos who had looked away looked back to see. Indeed, Dark sniffled and teared up. No. No way this was happening. No way this was real--"What's a matter? What happened to being edgy and evil?" Wilford laughed, moving Dark so he faced the others. Soaked pants and teary expression exposed to them. "What happened to being an eternal flame, Darkidoo? Did you piss that out--""Let m-me go." He sniffled."Nah." Wilford replied, holding Dark's arms back in a tight grip. "See what happens when you fuck with good old Warfstache? Does anyone else want to be a pathetic asshole and wet their pants like a child?"No one dared to speak."It's ironic you had a widdle accident, Darkidoo. I was just thinking about how much of a /child/ you are. How you throw tantrums and cry when you don't get your way." No. Dark shuffled as Wilford pulled his hair more. All of it mixing together -- the shame. The humiliation. The degrading remarks. Even the warmth from his own urine began to excite him. Becoming shamefully hard in his suit. "Oh. You're a pervert too, aren't you? Ew, fucking gross -- have you no shame, Dark? Getting your dick hard not only in front of everyone but in your own piss soaked pants?" Wilford scoffed, "you call me a freak yet you're worse than I ever could be.""Wil--""Shut up!" He screams. "Shut the fuck up for once and listen to me! I'll let you go and jerk off in peace or clean up. But only when you give me the okay on my project. If not, you can stay standing while I talk to the others about their roles in the shows. All while you show them your hard dick in your wet pants."Dark nods, grabbing the clipboard from Wilford's hands and signing off on the project. Sobs and whimpers rattling out of him as he was humiliated. Mercilessly. "Good! Glad you see things my way, piss baby!" Wilford laughed, "run along and don't cause another puddle. Come back here when you're done and clean up your mess, got it?"In the tiniest voice he could muster, Dark nodded, "...okay.""Good boy. Now, Bim? You said you wanted to do the gameshow? How about..."Dark didn't stick around to hear anymore. Running out of the room and into the open hallway. Panting and sobbing as he awkwardly walked towards his private office. Wondering how the egos see him now. Wondering how Wilford could be so cruel. Wondering if it's possible to even get over the humiliation he endured. And all for a stupid fucking TV channel.***"So! Piss baby, think of what you want to contribute to the channel? I think you'd fit right in with Doc's show. Maybe you can be the main focus for his episode on adult incontinence and bladder issues!" Wilford laughed in the hallway to Dark's closed door. "Go away," Dark panted. Now in new pants (actually -- sweatpants and cheap underwear, thanks to Dr. Ipl//ier running out to help him gather new clothes) around his thighs and jerking off in his office chair. "Nah. You looked so pathetic in your wet pants and puddle. Like some scared kid -- even Go//ogle and Ed agreed with me."Oh. That brought him closer to his orgasm. Jerking himself faster as he thought about the meeting room discussing him after he left. The laughter they shared. The degrading names. The obnoxious comments.A heat filled his body as he approached it. So close -- so close."Oh well, I'll leave you alone to cry or something. Enjoy dry cleaning your suit. And enjoy being known as the office piss baby for a while now. Bye bye!" Wilford called out. Just as Dark came. White cum shooting out to land in his hand and down his cock. Throbbing in time with his beating heart. And there he say after cleaning up. Ashamed. Humiliated, and more aroused than he had ever been before. A blush creeping on his face as he returned to work, ignoring the feelings.Hopefully, they'll pass in time.

[21yroldmeesh]

back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L 

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience.  i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later 

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL 

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point. 

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now. 

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l 

and hes like a super big gentleman 

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted. 

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that. 

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs 

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21