#hogwarts exposed sporking

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 10: Twists and Turns

Welcome back, yet again. It´s already been several months since the last time I sporked this fic, and today was th only day I really had time to do the spork.

Despite the title of the chapter being "Twists and Turns", this truly is a very boring chapter.

Let´s get in.

Monday, September 5, 2005

What a difference a year makes, Emily thought to herself as she watched Kim sleeping contentedly. When they first met, Kim was the shyest, most worried first year you could ever imagine. I honestly love how this has to repeated again and again, instead of actually being shown her character developement. Her anxiety was only amplified when her dorm-mates mistakenly jumped to the conclusion that she was a nudist and she ended up having to live the lie.

Why are we told things we already know?

Back then, Kim couldn't wait to close her bed hangings in order to hide her embarrassment at being naked. Now her hangings were wide open and Kim was sleeping coverless, her loveliness completely exposed. One might even say Overexposed!

Cut for boring talks and yet another argument with Janice and Denise - who are the same person essentially - who call Kim and Emily Queer.

"We're not done yet," Emily said, smirking. "Remember, I promised to soap you up."

Oh no -_- "I don't think we should do that," Kim said, suddenly sounding quite serious. "I'm afraid I might like it." Before Emily could respond, Marta considering that her name is spelled "Marta" instead of the typical english spelling "Martha", does that mean that she´s hungarian? entered the room. At first she just stared at them, without speaking. "You guys really do love each other, don't you?" she asked, seeming very impressed. "But not in the way you tried to make Denise and Janice believe." "We're not gay if that's what you mean," Kim admitted, "but I'd do anything for Emily. Other than my Mum, I've never loved a person so much."

At this point it´s not entirely clear if she´s referring to her late biological mother or Hermione, as Jamie and Emilys parents have more or less become forgotten after the end of Too Exposed. "I love her as much as I do Jamie and Caitlin. She's my sister," Emily avowed. Marta studied them both cautiously as if she had something significant to share, but was extremely tentative. "Kim, did you mean what you said? Do you really not let sexual orientation affect how you feel about people? How about you, Emily? Do you think people who are gay are weird?"

I think this is just again a good place to remind people that Neil feels creeped out by gay men, but seems to go with the "girl on girl is hot" trope that´s become increasingly frawned upon since then.

And keep in mind these girls are around 12-14, which makes it even creepier. Emily wavered, not certain just how much private information about herself she wanted to reveal to Marta with her answer. "I treat people the way they treat me," she said. "Their sexual preferences are their own business." She faltered before adding, "It's not right for me to judge other people, when I can't even completely figure myself out. I'm only twelve, but I'm pretty sure I'm heterosexual." She took a deep breath. "But there is a good chance I might be bisexual." "Why are you asking all these questions?" Kim asked. "Because it's hard to always be hiding your true feelings. It would be nice to have someone you could trust; someone you could let your guard down in front of." It was Marta's turn to take a deep breath. "Becky and I are a couple," she said quickly and then waited for a response.

Dun dunn duuuunnnnnnnn "How long have you been together?" was the first question out of Kim's mouth. "We've known each other since we were five," Marta answered, "but we've only been doing things to each other since we were ten."

"....doing thigs to each other since we were ten"

NEIL YOU SICKO "Ten?" Emily repeated in amazement. "You both knew you were gay at ten?" "Not for sure. We just knew we liked to touch each other and be touched. It wasn't until we met you two that we were sure we were homosexuals," Marta explained.

Does this sound like something a 12 year old would say? "What did we have to do with it?" Kim asked. Marta face turned a bright red. "Well, to be perfectly honest, the two of you running around in the buff all the time got both Becky and I rather keyed up." Emily and Kim exchanged nervous looks. "Don't worry, neither of us ever considered approaching either of you. We had each other to satisfy our wants. FUCK YOU NEIL FUCK YOU Besides, you both had us somewhat confused as to whether you liked boys or girls or both." "Do we still get you excited?" Kim asked uncertainly. "You both have attractive bodies, and Becky and I admittedly enjoy looking at you; similar to how someone looks at sexy pictures in a magazine." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS SO WRONG FUCK YOU NEIL Marta paused. "I'm only confiding all this to you because we're tired of hiding our feelings. We want to be open about how we feel about each other, but we'd like to know that at least you two supported us." "You both supported us last year," Emily said, without faltering. "I'll be there for you." "That goes for me too," Kim said. "But...." "You want to know how we can be sure about our feelings and choices," Marta said, as if reading Kim's mind. "We can't be absolutely positive. The two of us only know how we feel when we're together and neither of us wants that feeling to ever end." "I envy you both," Emily sighed. "I hope you both still feel the same about each other a hundred years from now." "I hope you and Kim both still share the marvelous friendship you have," Marta said sincerely. "I also hope that knowing about Becky and I won't make you self-conscious in front of us." "Not in the least," Emily replied. "I can't think of any circumstances in which I'd prefer to be clothed rather than nude."

Because the token lesbian couple can´t possibly com out as a couple on their own without the help of the Sues.

* * * * *

When Emily and Kim returned to the dorm after completing their showers, they found Becky and Marta both sitting on Becky's bed talking conspiratorially. The four girls exchanged knowing smiles as Kim and Emily dressed for breakfast.

Getting dressed must be torture for them. "Did I miss a lot on Thursday and Friday?" Emily asked concernedly. "Not really," Kim said. "It was mostly review of stuff we learned last year. Today should be interesting though. This morning we have our first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class with Professor Weasley, and then this afternoon Professor Longbottom is going to have us transplant Mandrakes in Herbology."

The "Anatomy of the Sexes" part is going to lead to one of the most infamous scenes from this fic.

Wait, you thought it was over once the long awaited freudian "Hooch gets impaled by a Unicorn" scene?

Think again. "Which one of the Weasleys do we have, the male or the female?" Emily asked. "The one with boobs," -____- Kim answered. "She is teaching first and second years." "Somehow I doubt we'll learn anything in that class," Emily said assuredly. "I just can't picture Professor Weasley discussing sex frankly with a room full of twelve year olds, and the textbook looks like it is out of the Dark Ages." "I think she'll be much better than her brother," Kim answered. "He's teaching the third and fourth years."

Because even Kim needs to join in on the Ron bashing that´s so prevalent in this Saga. "You guys about ready?" Becky asked, giving Kim and Emily a smile. "As soon as I slip on my skirt," Emily said, adjusting her mini. "I can't believe you two tarts," Denise said with revulsion. "OMG you guys are so scary!" said Britney "It's bad enough neither of you ever wear bras, but how can you parade around in such short skirts without knickers?" Neither girl verbally answered Denise. Emily did, however, bend over while lifting her skirt to moon Denise and Janice and showed them her middle finger. As they neared the door to their dorm room, Becky and Marta exchanged nervous glances before reaching out and clutching each other's hand tightly. "What do you say?" Emily asked, giving Kim a devilish smile. "Should we give the school something to really talk about?" "That depends on what you have in mind," Kim answered coyly. "I have no problem with you holding my hand, but I'll scream if you grab my butt in public."

The latter is something that is rather in character for Emily. "Would I do that?" Emily asked, starting to slip her hand under Kim's skirt. Kim slapped her hand away. "You're worse than Randy."

Randy, who gets more and more forgotten as this fic goes along.

Speaking of Randy, his character is so pointless and with no characterisation whatsoever that I can´t help but imagine him to look like the NPC meme.

(couldnt find a gif of the meme, but this one extols the same energy) "Speaking of Randy, how are the two of you getting along?" Emily asked. "Have you heard anything from Brian?"

Isnt it interesting that Kim falls in love with an American the summer before Hogwarts is having a big event competing with a magical school from the US?

"Now what's going on?" Harry said, looking dumbfounded, as he realised he had been transported into a bizarro fanfic where he for years acted out of character surrounded by Mary Sues! Becky and Marta entered the Great Hall followed closely by Kim and Emily, both couples holding hands.

Oh, the horror!

"I'm not sure I want to know," Hermione said shaking her head in consternation.

"You don't think they're, what do they call it, coming out of the closet... do you?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Hermione answered, looking rather bewildered. "It would seem to me that twelve would be rather young to be sure of one's sexual penchant. Although I did notice what seemed to be a definite magnetism between Marta and Becky last year."

Which is something she only talks about now.

"Neither of them is my daughter," Harry said, alarm evident in his voice. "What about Emily and Kim? I thought they both were fond of boys."

Cut for a lengthy section of Becky and Martas big coming out along with big praise for the Sues that goes on forever.

Emily gave Kim an angry look, but before she could reply, there was a rushing sound overhead and her attention was drawn to the arrival of a hundred or so owls. The owls circled the hall, dumping letters and packages into the chattering crowd.

This is apparently a big thing. Uncharacteristically, the hall suddenly became extremely quiet. Emily looked toward the head table expecting to see the Headmaster standing ready to speak, but instead she saw what had caused everyone in the room to become hushed. There was a large screech owl circling the head table. That was not unusual because the staff received mail regularly. What had gotten everyone's attention was the red envelope clutched in the owl's beak. "One of the Professors is getting a Howler," Caitlin whispered to her sister.

MUH G00000D

I've never seen that before in my seven years," Jamie said aghast. "Who would be so disrespectful as to send a professor a howler when they are surrounded by students?"

Ah, the Purity Sue in Jamie speaks again. It´s been a while. "I wonder who it's for?" Caitlin asked, but the words had barely escaped her lips, when the owl came to rest next to the Headmaster and politely offered the letter to him.

Well, at least the owl is polite. Katie and Severus exchanged edgy looks and then Katie did something she had never done before in public. She placed her hand reassuringly on top of Severus', reciting the Blessing of Aharon. "You better open it," she said in an apprehensive whisper. "They only get worse the longer you delay. Best you get it over with." "Who would be so juvenile and discourteous as to send the Headmaster a Howler?" Hermione asked disgustedly. "And at breakfast, of all times." "I would be willing to venture a guess," Harry said, a bad taste residing in his mouth, but it looks like we're all about to find out."

The way it is written makes it look like it´s something Harry said in all one sentence. Severus stretched out his hand, relieved the envelop from the owl's beak, and slit it open. For a moment it seemed like the envelope had exploded; a roar of sound filled the Great Hall.

"--JUST WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? --"

Percy Weasley's voice roared, a hundred times louder than normal. The students stared at the head table, as the bellowing voice echoed off the stonewalls of the hall,

"THE STORY THAT APPEARED IN THE DAILY PROPHET DID SO WITH MY APPROVAL. I PERSONALLY VERIFIED ALL THE DETAILS. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SUGGEST THAT I, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC, WOULD APPROVE A STORY THAT WAS NOT FULLY FACTUAL? "WHEN I ATTENDED HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, I CONSIDERED YOU TO BE A PROFESSIONAL, COMPETENT TEACHER. IT IS REGRETFUL THAT YOU HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO THE LIES OF HARRY POTTER AND HIS MISGUIDED LEGION. "I AM NOT A SPITEFUL OR VENGEFUL MAN AND UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN THE BEST OF US OCCASIONALLY FALTER. SHOULD YOU, HOWEVER, CONTINUE TO MISLEAD THE STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS, IT WILL BE MY SAD DUTY TO SEEK YOUR DISMISSAL AS HEADMASTER. Sincerely, Percy Weasley Minister of Magic

Oh well. Again, how am I supposed to take him serious as an antagonist?

Snape calmly rose to his feet as the letter burst into flames. "It is at times like these that people, even students as young as yourselves, are required to make choices, tough choices. I propose that you make your future decisions based on past history. When Lord Voldemort returned in the nineteen-nineties and sought to once again rule our world, Harry Potter and former Headmaster Albus Dumbledore attempted to warn the wizarding world. The Ministry and The Daily Prophet disparaged them both. Fortunately, we learned before it was too late who was giving us truthful information. We should learn from history where to place our trust."

This whole plot recycling after the release of the fifth book makes it all seem so forced and ridicculous.

And keep in mind, all the things from the fifth year onward from both the fics he stole it from are still canon inside this fic together with actual canon! Without further comment Snape took his seat. At first, the Great Hall remained quiet. Then as the students rose to their feet in order to head for their first class of the day, the talk became incessant.

* * * * *

"What if he has you removed as Headmaster?" Katie asked concernedly. "Where will you go? What will you do?" She grasped Severus' hand. "What will become of us?"

Remember:

Snape and Katie Bell are an actual couple in this fic now.

And no, his infatuation with his former students are never called out on.

"The Ministry has absolutely no authority when it comes to running Hogwarts," Severus said confidently. "Albus Dumbledore took care of that after all the difficulty with Fudge and that vicious Umbridge woman. Only the school Board of Governors can remove the Headmaster and that takes a two-thirds majority."

Umbridge, who now officially is part of the canon and hasnt been mentioned until this very point.

The most fun part about is that this fic is getting it´s own form of Umbridge in the next chapter. Just not as well written.

"But what if he goes to the Board and they agree to remove you?" Katie asked, not convinced that Severus' job was secure.

"As long as I have the support of Harry, Hermione and Ron, I'm not concerned," Severus explained. "There are a lot of new, younger Board members now; they respect the Covenant and won't be easily bamboozled by someone like Percy Weasley. Besides, I doubt he'll even approach them. He won't want to take the chance of looking weak if they refused his request."

"No matter what happens, I'll be by your side," Katie declared.

"I knew I could count on that," Severus replied, with a smile.

And now, let´s get back to the most important stuff:

"You never answered my question this morning," Emily said, as she and Kim took seats next to each other for their first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class. "Has Brian written you at all?"

Kim didn't answer, but instead glowed pink as she held up six fingers.

"He's written you six letters," Emily said excitedly. "You must have really made an impression on him."

"I like him, too," Kim said shyly. "If only he wasn't a Muggle. It makes things so complicated. Even posting him a letter is a pain."

FORESHADOWING

"When are you going to tell Randy?" Emily asked.

Randy who?

"I don't know what to do where he is concerned," Kim said concernedly. "He's really nice and I don't want to hurt him. He lost Caitlin to Matt and you to Tyler. If I break up with him, it will be a nasty blow to his ego. Besides, what are the odds of Brian and I ever even seeing each other again, let alone becoming a couple? He's in the United States and I'm here."

I don´t remember it ever actually being stated that Kim and Randy were an official couple.

"I understand where you are coming from," Emily said supportively, "but somehow it just seems wrong to leave Randy under the impression that he is the foremost guy in your life when you are writing Brian. How about Brian, does he know about Randy?"

"No," Kim said hanging her head. "I was afraid he'd stop writing if he knew I had a boyfriend."

This drama seems even more ridicculous when you realise what a non-entity so far, he was just "there", but never had any character arc or any other thing going on apart from being one of Caitlins simps.

The girls' conversation was brought to a halt by Ginny bringing the class to order.

"You won't be needing your wands in this class," she said with a smile. "We'll be talking about a different kind of magic; the magic of love, intimacy, conception and birth. Although we will be following the printed guidelines in your textbooks, I want you to feel free to ask questions at any time and I'll do my best to answer them. Since this is our first session together, I think we should get to know each other. Suppose you each stand and introduce yourself. Then ask me a question that has been on your mind. Who wants to start?"

The way she talks makes me think about that one American Dad episode where they had sex ed and Steve gets laughed at for a stupid question.

The students all exchanged glances, but no one raised their hand.

"I realize that you're all nervous," Professor Weasley said. "You probably aren't used to discussing sex in a mixed group. Thought was initially given to having separate classes for boys and girls, but the final decision was that you should be taught together. Would anyone like to venture a guess as to why it was decided it was best to instruct you as a mixed group?"

At first no one moved, but then a hand timidly rose. "Yes, Miss Thatcher. What do you think was the reason?"

"We'll all be having sex together, so we should learn about it together," Kim said softly.

This is so stupid.

"Hopefully not all at once," Ginny said, straight faced.

When the inference of what Ginny had said settled in, the class broke into laughter. Even Kim laughed at her slip.

"That would be called an orgy, and something we hopefully won't be discussing," Professor Weasley said with a laugh as she put her hand on Kim's shoulder. "We all know what you meant, but I appreciate you breaking the tension. We will also be discussing same-sex relationships, but for the moment, let's confine our discussion to heterosexual, or boy/girl relationships."

This delivery sounds so natural.

As the giggles subsided, Emily's hand went in the air.

Oh no.....

"Our first question," Ginny said, her voice sounding both pleased and edgy.

"Emily Zacherley-Potter," she said in introduction. "I've been a nudist all my life. That doesn't necessarily give me a heads up when it comes to knowledge about sex, but I probably have seen more naked people than anyone else in the room. I've noticed that some men have extremely large things. What happens if you fall in love with someone and it doesn't fit in your twat when you want to make love?"

FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!

Cut, this goes on for so long.

The section ends with Kim announcing that she really loves observing penises.

Cut for a boring scene with Caitlin and Matt, who among other things discuss why Percy doesnt believe her testimony.

We then cut to Ginny and Draco:

"Red, have you ever thought about having kids?" Draco asked, ostensibly out of nowhere, as they headed for lunch.

Because in this Saga, that´s all women are made for.

Ginny stopped abruptly and gawked open mouthed at him. Draco normally avoided any words in conversation that started with letters in the middle of the alphabet such as L for love and M for marriage. So, of course, Ginny never expected to ever hear him utter the K word.

As in the K word in Afrikaans?

"Draco, I come from a large family. Naturally I've thought of having children; not as many as my Mum, of course, but I'd like at least two." Ginny quickly recovered as she kept in mind Draco's usual aversion of any discussion involving marriage. "But it's not something I desperately want," she lied. "I'm content teaching and having you as a lover."

Keep in mind that in this Saga, Mrs Weasley had even more children, as there were two sisters who got killed by Death Eaters shortly before Voldemorts defeat.

Come to think of it, they also haven´t been mentioned since the first fic.

"You like Timmy, don't you?" Draco asked.

"Of course I do," Ginny answered. Suddenly there was concern in her voice. "Draco, please tell me that you're not thinking of trying to take him away from Sam and Ron again."

Even Neil has gotten tired of that already ridicculous plot.

"No! I couldn't do that," Draco replied despondently. "Sam loves him too much. Besides, she's a great mother. Your git of a brother isn't half bad as a surrogate father either. Plus, they've both been first-rate by allowing me to play an ever-increasing part in Timmy's up bringing. I was more thinking of a kid I could be with from the moment he popped out of the oven."

"Have you given any thought as to how old you want to be when you conceive this progeny?" Ginny asked sheepishly.

"That's the tough part," Draco grumbled. "I don't want to wait until I'm an old fart that can't even straddle a broom anymore to teach his kid how to play Quidditch. Yet, I don't want to toss aside my wild youthful years and settle down with one woman too quickly. Maybe I'll be ready when I'm about twenty-five."

Cut for boring, it ends with Draco proposing to her - and this time Neil remembers that her full first name is Ginevra, not Virginia, as she was called in the first two fics.

We get another boring scene with Caitlin and Matt, in which the sudden character assasination Matt begins.

Matt is suddenly evil because he wants Caitlin to wear knickers so others can´t look up her skirt.

Caitlin is not very pleased with this, and thinks about an answer for later.

We then get back to the actual plot of the Saga:

"Can you remember the names of anymore of these Death Eaters?" Salazar Slytherin asked. "They sound like the type of people that would readily support me."

Goyle shook his head. "We were just ending our seventh year when He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was defeated. Many of his followers were killed in battles preceding his demise."

Goyle saying this. Just look at that dialogue. Slytherin paced the room for a few moments in silence, before speaking again. "You will first personally contact all the living former Death Eaters. I want you to offer them the opportunity to unreservedly join me. They should provide us with a strong nucleus." "What if they refuse?" Crabbe asked anxiously. "That would be extremely unwise of them," Slytherin sighed. "I would certainly prefer if everyone that joined my cause did so of their own free will, but I'm not beyond offering incentives. People often change their minds when faced with the loss of something or someone they feel great affection for.

How considerate of him. "Then we will procure as much information as we can on deceased and imprisoned Death Eaters. Their progeny should be eager to avenge their parents. If not, I will offer them an enticement as well. Thanks to the new Minister of Magic, we should have a sizeable organization assembled before the wizard world is even aware of my reincarnation."

Remember all the talk about the resurrected Salazar Slytherin being way worse than Voldemort?

Look at the dialogue here.

* * * * * Jamie grabbed the books off her bed and hurried out of the seventh year girls' dormitory to join Alex and Amanda, who were already in the common room. As she was about to pass the third year dorm, the door opened and Caitlin slowly emerged.

The way this is written makes it sounds as if Caitlin appeared as a ghostly apparition. "What are you doing!?" Jamie asked, coming to an abrupt halt. "I'm about to give Matt an answer," Caitlin answered, trying to hold back her tears. "No you're not," Jamie barked. "At least not until I know the question." End of Chapter 10

Finally.

All the real stuff this fic is particularly famous for begins in the next chapter.

[gascon-en-exil]

Honestly, the fact that most of the critiques against Captain, his writing, and his takes are kept to separate tumblrs with somewhat obscure tags about it instead of leaving reviews on his actual work or posting it in the main tags is already plenty considerate. As someone that grew up in the HP fandom, people used to be outright savage about works like his and would spread it around and rip it to pieces as publically as possible. I̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶p̶o̶r̶k̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶.

I know for a fact that some people seek out certain blogs to hate-read them, because we get mentioned on anon meme from time to time, but that's firmly on them. If criticism or mockery genuinely bothers you you won't be trying to find it.

Much of my earliest time in online spaces was also spent in the HP fandom, so I definitely understand that. I've made this comparison before, but Captain's fic reminds me most of an infamously awful series of fics also with a(n apparently) straight cis male author named Hogwarts Exposed, which also doubles as a soapbox for the author's opinions on canon and a vehicle for his uncomfortably specific sexual fantasies. It and its sequels have been sporked with great relish, although if you're looking to read that I should first call your attention to the truly absurd abundance of content warnings. It's that kind of fic.

Although really, from everything I've read Captain's fic just doesn't rise to that same level of appallingly bad taste. It's been many years since I've read that sporking, but just off the top of my head HE and its sequels include such horrors as a woman's nipple being bitten off by another woman, two nudist prepubescent girls who call each other sisters "practicing" cunnilingus on one another, a preachy abortion subplot that goes to all manner of dreadful places, and a blatant gay caricature who's basically wizard Richard Simmons and is, naturally, an antagonist. That's on top of the author shilling the hell out of his faves and bashing everyone else even more (there's some classic-flavor Ron the Death Eater on display here, if not quite that literally), and the main pairing being pretty obviously the author's projecting wish fulfillment.

I've read one or two things about Hilda losing a leg, and all-around more backstory sexual abuse for female characters than anyone could possibly want, but even so Captain's writing seems to me to be too bland and not bad enough in a funny way to be worth sporking.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 9: Death Times Two

Wow, it´s already been two years since the last time I sporked this fic. I had hoped that a friend would make some art for the highligt of the Saga - which is in this chapter - but for various reasons she wasnt able to do it.

Anyways, we are now back.

The last time we left off, the Sues were still locked up, and Emma Wrong succeeded in resurrecting Salazar Slytherin - who I picture to look and talk like Tommy Wiseau, because funny.

The voice didn’t seem to come from any particular direction, but instead had the sensation that it was emanating from everywhere in the dungeon at once. Then, as everyone watched tensely, the thick steam that filled the room slowly drew together and began to take form; a human form, but not really human, more ghost-like.

“I asked, who dared to wake me?” bellowed the ghostly representation of Salazar Slytherin.

“I did, Greatest of the Hogwarts Four,” Emma Wrong answered anxiously.

“And who are you, woman, to wake me, the supreme wizard of all time, from death?” Slytherin roared.

“I am Emma Wrong, Minister of Magic,” she answered, her voice quaking, “and future monarch of the magical world. My loyal followers refer to me as the Great One.”

I doubt that calling yourself "The Great One" wouldnt really look good while you present yourself to a powerful, recently resurrected Dark Lord.

“THE GREAT ONE!” Slytherin screamed. “You have the audacity to refer to yourself as such?”

Told you so.

Slytherin glanced around the dungeon; first observing Wrong’s cowering followers and then the variety of torture apparatus. His eyes finally came to rest on Jamie and the young innocents chained to the wall.

“What year is it?” he questioned. “Has the world become so depraved that it is now common practice to torture naked, defenseless children?”

Like I said in previous chapters, it would have been a way more interesting twist if Salazar Slytherin would have been disgusted by Wrongs actions and not wanting to impose terror o the wizarding world etc.

“It is the year two thousand and five,” Emma responded. “These are not just any children, but rather the innocents whose blood was needed to make your return happen as prophesied.”

“Prophecy? Slytherin questioned. “What prophecy?”

Damien hurriedly produced a copy of the foretelling which he handed to The Great One. Emma in turn held the document out toward Slytherin, not even sure if this ghostly being had the ability to grasp objects.

LOL

A chill filtered through Wrong’s body as Slytherin reached out and removed the rolled parchment from her hand. The room was silent as he scrutinized the document.

Anyway, the prophecy is recited once again. Neil really loves to copy and paste things we all already know.

Slytherin seemed to read and reread the Prophecy several times before he again studied his surroundings, his eyes once more coming to rest on the innocents. “Which of you is my heir?” he queried.

Yeah, the sight of Ghost!Slytherin having to pause several times while reading this is actually funny.

His question was answered by silence.

“Which is my heir!?” he shouted irritably, staring at Emma Wrong.

“The toddler,” she responded, gesturing in Timmy’s direction.

“How dare you treat my heir in such a debasing way!?” Slytherin hollered. “Release the child from those confinements at once.”

“But he and the others must be killed by you in order for you to be returned to your body,” Emma protested.

Yeah, I don´t think this is Emma Wrongs day.

“I gave an order,” Slytherin roared. “I expect my instructions to be carried out immediately. Release that child!”

“Perhaps you forgot who is in charge here,” Emma Wrong suggested. “I am the Great One. It is I who has awakened you from the dead. You will be following my orders and helping me to achieve the greatness I so richly deserve.”

“You are a whimpering, weak, foolish bitch!” Slytherin roared. “I follow no one’s orders, but I will, with pleasure, give you what you richly deserve.”

Slytherin raised his right arm and pointed his hand at The Great One. Without even saying the words, a blast of green light blazed from his finger tips and illuminated the entire room. When the light diminished, Emma Wrong was lying on the cold stone floor of the dungeon. She was dead.

Yeah, and this is the end of Emma Wrong, the Minister of Magic who secretly ran a series of terrorism, abductions, nipple eating and torture, all happening while our main characters were busy living out soap opera scenarios.

As Jamie, Emily and Caitlin observed the scene horror-struck, Wrong’s underlings fell to their knees.

Damien was the first to break the silence. “If it pleases you, Lord Slytherin, I will release your heir from his bindings.”

“That would please me,” Slytherin said, nodding his head.

And Slytherin was pleeeeeeeeased

Jamie watched as Damien approached Timmy, but then her eyes were drawn back to the body of Emma Wrong. Wrong was an evil woman; she was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people and yet somehow it just didn’t seem right that anyone’s life should end so abruptly, so coldly with no forewarning. A few minutes ago she was the Minister of Magic, respected by the Wizarding World. In her alter ego she was The Great One, feared and loathed. Now with just the wave of a hand, she was nothing but a dead, soulless shell.

It´s already been called out by other sporkers that Emma Wrong was already a soulless shell while she was still alive, especially considering that WE NEVER GOT A SINGLE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.

We never got that many moments of her as the Minister - it was only for 3 scenes, all of whom were in the first fic - the first time when she arrives at Hogwarts to give a talk about the new Death Eater menace, the second time is her appearing at the Yule Ball after Hermiones abduction, and the third time is her and Damien at the wedding reception, the scene that was supposed to be The Big RevealTM that she was The Great One all along.

Special mention goes to a brief mention in the second fic where she is spotted by Hermione during the custody trial surrounding Timmy.

All the other scenes where she appeared during the second fic and here - until her demise - was just her being the generic moustache twirling villain.

It also doesnt make any sense that Jamie Sue feels sorry for her in the "she was still a human" way because we never actually got to know her beyond that Great One shtik.

Also, one of the reasons why I always pictured her to look like Jeanine Matthews in the Divergent series is because Jeanine Matthews and Emma Wrong both were generic villains with the personality and backstory of a cardboard, and Jeanine Matthews was also quickly forgotten about after being killed and no further explanations or backstories were ever given about her.

Here I should mention that in a few chapters Emma Wrong will be mentioned in a off hand remark where it will be totally forgotten that she was The Great One.

Slytherin gave what almost appeared to be a smile. “Is the baby, the heir of Gryffindor?” he questioned.

Jamie nodded her head apprehensively.

“They shall be returned to their parents,” Slytherin said. “Gryffindor was a noble man. Although we died as enemies, he was once my friend. His lineage deserves to live on.”

How noble.

���Begging your pardon, my Lord,” Hooch interrupted. “She,” Hooch indicated Wrong’s body, LOL “told us that the innocents must all die by your hand for you to return to human form.”

“She was a fool,” Slytherin responded. “She could not even properly interpret a Prophecy.

Oh well. Anyway, Slytherin then explains the rest of the prophecy and then....

“Why would I, the great Lord Slytherin, after being returned from a sleep of over a thousand years, want to walk the earth as a mere mortal man when the Prophecy gives me the occasion to be so much more? I can be immortal and invincible if joined with evil."

Who actually thinks of themselves as evil?

“But you just killed her,” Damien said in a meek voice.

“She was not the personification of evil,” Slytherin said with the hint of a laugh. “She was but a warped and frustrated old hag.” He looked knowingly at Damien. “You, my servant, are the embodiment of pure evil. When you and I are joined, no one will be able to conquer us.”

Damien stared uneasily at the ghostlike figure of Salazar Slytherin. What exactly did he mean by joined? Were they to be some sort of partners in crime, or did he intend to live as a parasite off his body as Voldemort had done with Professor Quirrell?

“Excuse me, your ghostliness,” LOL Emily said. “You said my brother and Timmy would be set free. What about my sisters and I?”

Salazar did not answer, nor did he seem angry at being referred to as his ghostliness. Instead he walked, more floated, over to Emily and placed his hand on her forehead. Emily experienced a pain similar to the brain freeze one gets when eating ice cream too fast.

“You are the Seer,” he said in what gave the impression of being a sad tone. “You’re also in Slytherin house.”

Emily nodded her head.

Then he approached Caitlin and likewise placed his ghostlike hand on her head. “The Healer,” he said. “Not just a healer, but an extremely powerful one, and with telepathic powers no less.” He placed his hand on his chin and shook his head sadly before moving on to Jamie.

Again, why didnt Caitlin use her speshul Sue powers to make any of their captors heads explode?

When he reached her, he paused slightly to glance at Timmy and Ben, and then found himself staring thoughtfully at Jamie. “Forgive me,” he said placing his hand on her forehead. “It has been an extremely long time since I have seen a nude female and you are an extraordinarily beautiful young woman.”

Because even Salazar Slytherin is a perv who needs to gush over the beauty of the Main Sue.

“You’re the Spirit Bright,” he said disappointedly, removing his hand from Jamie’s head and walking away from the girls.

“You are all strong, brilliant, talented witches,” Slytherin declared. “I would prefer to allow you to continue to live and serve me, but unfortunately you are all mentioned as members of the conspiracy that could ultimately cause my defeat.

How inconvenient.

“Therefore, I regret that you must die, but your deaths will not come at my hands,” he said looking at Madame Hooch. “Will you please clean up here?”

Hooch’s eyes lit up as if Christmas had come early. “It will be my pleasure, Great Master.”

I already mentioned this previously, but my G-d, Hogwarts Exposed has truly destroyed Madam Hooch for me - all I ever think about when I read that name is the scene from the first fic where she attacks Hermione an bites off her nipple.

“Now it is time we were joined,” Slytherin’s sprit said as he considered an extremely tense Damien. “I would much prefer my own body, but it is critical that the Prophecy be followed unerringly.”

“Come and stand by me,” he ordered the trembling Damien. “It will be quick and will not hurt. Your spirit and memories will not be destroyed, but rather will be overwhelmed by mine. Through you, I will learn of this new world I have been plunged into. Together your body and my mind will eventually rule this world.”

Damien moved to within touching distance of Slytherin and then waited fearfully for further directions.

“Exhale completely,” Slytherin instructed. “Make every effort to remove all the air from your lungs. Once your lungs are empty, breathe in deeply, through your mouth, trying to admit as much fresh air as possible.”

Crabbe and Goyle watched with foreboding; neither of the bulky followers had the mettle to move or speak. Damien exhaled totally as he had been instructed. It was when he inhaled that it came to pass. The vapor like form of Salazar Slytherin first tapered and then was sucked into Damien’s body as if it were a beverage being drunk through a straw. The final effect was, to a certain extent, the opposite of the Dementor’s kiss. Instead of Damien’s soul being sucked from his body, Slytherin’s spirit was added. What was Damien continued to exist, but was overwhelmed by the spirit of Salazar Slytherin.

Despite all that description and the detail at the end, we never actually see Damien again for the rest of the fic.

From then on, it´s just Salazar Slytherin, no one else.

I guess it´s just Neil forgetting about Damiens existence.

For a short time, there was complete silence, as if Slytherin’s spirit was settling in and becoming adjusted to his new accommodations. Then he spoke, but in his own deep penetrating voice, which was nothing like that of the nerdish Damien. “This body is greatly inferior to my own,” Slytherin muttered disgustedly, “but the mind is beautiful, full of such evil thoughts. The Prophecy was correct. Our union will be unbreakable and our power unmatched.”

Something, however, seemed to be confusing Slytherin as he absorbed all of Damien’s thoughts and memories. “What is a Hermione?” he finally asked to anyone in general. “This mind seems obsessed with the subject.”

Of course.

“She was once a captive here,” Hooch explained. “I believe Damien became rather infatuated with her.”

“Apparently so,” Slytherin said. “I must meet this woman some day, but for now there are more important things to do. Until I establish a loyal following, it is best my return remain a secret. You two,” he indicated Crabbe and Goyle “shall accompany me to my secret chamber. I want you to tell me all you know about the individuals that supported this ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’ person. These Death Eaters sound like people who would show me allegiance.”

I love how half of Salazars dialogue so far sounds like a clichee-filled parody.

Salazar moved to the shelf containing many of Damien’s torture devices. He removed the thumbscrews and held them in his hand as he muttered, “Portus.” The device glowed blue and seemed to flutter momentarily in Salazar’s hand, then became still. He flung the gadget to Hooch.

“That is a Portkey. It will bring you, but only you, to my side when you have finished here. Be quick about disposing of the young witches, I sense that a rescue effort is nearing.”

I don´t think this portkey will become relevant later on - especially considering the fact that although Salazar Slytherin now is the Main Villain, more screentime will be given to the other villain of this fic, a very dated caricature of a camp gay.

“What about the boys?” Hooch asked.

“Do not hurt them. They can cause me no harm,” he declared. “Leave them for their parents to find, they will be here soon.” With a wave of his arm, Slytherin along with Crabbe and Goyle disappeared.

* * * * * *

Cut for a scene of Hermione and the others flying, and Hermione has established a weak link of contact with Caitlin.

Caitlin and Emily watched nervously as Hooch hustled about the dungeon making preparations. Neither of the girls had ever seen the witch look so happy, yet so frightening at the same time.

Hooch only paused shortly to twirl her moustache.

Jamie had just finished nursing Ben and was now giving nourishment to Timmy, their captors having not fed any of them since breakfast. This description makes it sounds like theyre not held captive in a setting like this. Because of Timmy, Jamie didn’t speak, but both Emily and Caitlin could read the expression on her face.

“Jamie doesn’t think they’ll get here in time,” Emily said despondently. “Neither do I.”

“We can’t give up hope,” Caitlin said encouragingly. But the words were barely out of her mouth when Hooch approached her.

“The Great Lord Slytherin told me to be swift, but it is difficult to hurriedly extricate revenge that I have waited so long to realize. My only regret is that I won’t be present to actually witness the demise of two of you.

“My lovely Caitlin,” Hooch said nastily. “I imagine you expect me to torture you unmercifully. Admittedly, it would give me great pleasure to turn you into a human shish kebab, but it will give me even more pleasure to know that you have died at the hands of your rescuers.”

And again, I need to ask this:

Why Madam Hooch, of all people? Why did Neil decide to use a canon character for this role, rather than making up his own for this, like a new teacher who started teaching at Hogwarts the same year Hermione started teaching?

Some sporkers and commenters on their blogs have theorised that he simply wanted to use a female canon character, but didnt want to use someone like McGonnagle.

Either way, the use of Madam Hooch as a villain is just so utterly bizarre and so funny at the same time.

“Do you see that crossbow?” Hooch asked sadistically. “It is aimed directly for your heart and the arrow it holds has been soaked in a deadly poison. Can you imagine Hermione’s grief when the opening of the dungeon door sets it off? I can only hope that she will be the one to actually open the door.”

Madam Hooch really seems pissed over the fact that Hermione rejected her and didnt like that she bit off one of her nipples.

“But that is only the beginning,” Hooch cackled, as she twirled her moustache. “In your hand you will be holding the rope that will suspend Jamie Zacherley above the Pyramid of Death. When the arrow pierces your heart, your hand will go limp and Miss Zacherley will become four nicely separated pieces.”

This doesnt make any sense....

“What about me?” Emily inquired, not actually knowing what possessed her to ask such a question.

Neil hasnt given his Authors pet anything to say for a while now.

“You, my dear, are what they refer to as a warm up act,” Hooch laughed. “That is why I haven’t secured your sister in her harness yet, nor suspended her above the pyramid. I want both her and Caitlin to have a good view as I first mutilate and then kill you. Their deaths will come so fast that they won’t get to suffer. Through you they can experience how brutal and horrible death can be. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA Have I already mentioned how eeevul I am?”

“I was hoping you didn’t intend to leave me out of all the fun,” Emily said bravely. Her words sounded plucky, but Emily was scared to death.

“You sound so spirited,” Hooch bellowed as she reached for the breast ripper. “We’ll see how brave you sound after I’ve reduced your tits to a proper size. And that’s only for openers. After that we’ll see how long you can survive the pear.”

Again: Why Madam Hooch?!

“Leave her alone,” Jamie pleaded, lying Timmy on the cold floor next to Ben. “She hasn’t done anything to harm you. If you must torture someone, torture me.”

"I`M SELFLESS, DAMMIT!"

“You don’t understand at all, do you?” Hooch cried. “You’re just like Granger. Torturing you wouldn’t have the desired affects. It hurts you more to have someone you love harmed than it does to be tortured yourself. Watch, you’ll soon understand what I mean.”

I love how overdramatic this sounds.

Emily closed her eyes as Hooch approached. She had never been so frightened or felt so helpless in her entire life.

Caitlin’s brain felt like it was about to explode. Strange, considering she has the power to make other peoples heads explode. Her head ached with agony. Normally when she used her healing or telepathic powers, she drifted into trance. Today she had struggled to maintain a contact with Hermione and at the same time remain focused on what was happening around her. "See? She´s not a Mary Sue, this here is one of her flaws!" She felt that if she tried to mentally stop Hooch from hurting Emily she would cause some sort of overload. What if she not only failed, but also passed out in the process? Then not only would Emily be killed, but she would lose contact with the rescuers. She looked desperately toward Jamie.

The Highlight of the entire Hogwarts Exposed Saga is coming up.

It is something that has been foreshadowed a couple of times since the end of the first fic, and it is one of the times where Neil didn´t suck at foreshadowing.

* * * * * *

“Harry, stop! The connection was strongest as we flew over that manor; it seems to be fading slightly now,” Hermione advised.

“Are you sure?” Harry asked in disbelief. “They can’t be there. That manor belongs to Emma Wrong, the Minister of Magic.”

....yet he had some suspicions about her back when Hermione was abducted.

This should confirm it, yet it isnt brought up again.

“All I know is that I felt the strongest link as we flew over that manor,” Hermione said emphatically. “The children are down there.”

“Wands at the ready,” Harry shouted, as he turned and headed for a landing.

“Potter, are you bloody crazy?” Draco called out. “Do you know who owns that manor?”

“I don’t give a damn who owns it; that’s where they’re being held prisoner.”

This makes it sound like he only suddenly wants to go down there because Draco opposes it.

* * * * * *

IT´S COMING

“Stop, don’t you touch her!” Jamie screamed.

But when Hooch turned to sneer at Jamie, instead of a naked girl, she found herself facing a beautiful pure white unicorn. Caitlin had witnessed the almost instant transformation. Jamie was not only now in her Animagus form, but she was also free, the aged leather on her ankle bindings having burst due to pressure of the transformation.

And now comes the following question:

Why didn´t she do this BEFORE Emma Wrong managed to resurrect Salazar Slytherin?

This is just like how Caitlin isnt using her hyperempath powers to save them like the now forgotten about incident in Ford Lauderdale.

Hooch dropped the breast ripper and reached for her wand as the unicorn, Jamie, lowered its head to charge.

“Avada Keda…” Hooch screamed. But before she could complete the curse, the unicorn’s horn had entered her chest and was protruding out of her back.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is one of the most funny things to ever come out of any non-parody badfic, and it´s so freudian.

It of course now goes further downhill from here.

And this also where I would have put some art depicting the scene - not even AI can do it properly.

* * * * * *

“Please don’t blast off the door,” Severus begged. “Remember who lives here.”

I doubt canon!Severus would have had any trouble doing this.

“It better ruddy well be unlocked then!” Ron hollered, “I’ve no intention of knocking and waiting for the bloody house elf to answer.”

"Look how British I am!"

Fortunately the door was unlocked and Ron held it open, allowing Harry and Hermione to rush inside first, but as soon as Hermione crossed the threshold, she staggered.

“Are you all right?” Harry asked concernedly. “Nothing has gone amiss has it?”

“No, but this is definitely the place,” Hermione panted, trying to catch her composure. “I’ve been here before. This is where I spent my missing week. It’s all coming back. Follow me! I know the way to the dungeon.”

Now I wonder if she´s then going to forget it all again once they leave the place again.

Hermione ran down the hall. The last time she had done so, she was naked and running the opposite direction in order to save her life. “Down those steps and at the end of the corridor,” she shouted to Ron and Draco, who had overtaken her and Harry.

Ron practically flew down the stairs with Draco right behind them. They were almost at the solid dungeon door before Harry and Hermione reached the bottom of the stairs.

Ron reached out to open the door. “No! Don’t open it!” Hermione screamed, feeling as if a part of her were about to die, as Ron’s hand touched the knob and started to turn it.

It´s been a while since we had some Ron-bashing.

In his eagerness to get to the children, Ron hadn’t heard her, but fortunately Draco had. He grasped Ron’s outstretched hand firmly and prevented him from opening the door. “It’s booby trapped,” he said to Ron, only releasing his grip when Ron acknowledged that he understood.

Yes, we get it, the Suethor hates Ron!

“Thank God,” Hermione sighed as she reached the door. “If we open that door, Caitlin is dead. I have to Apparate in.”

“You mean we,” Harry said firmly.

“You don’t know the layout of the dungeon, I do,” she said even more firmly. “I have to go alone. I’ll be okay. Trust me.”

Hermione didn’t wait for an answer; instead, with a soft pop, she was gone.

Just like an Elf.

Had Hooch or any other dark followers been alive in the dungeon, Harry would now be planning a funeral for his beloved wife. Hermione’s only concern upon Apparating was finding the crossbow and transfiguring its deadly arrow to something harmless.

Rather than just freeing Caitlin and the others.

Once Hermione moved the crossbow so that it no longer pointed at anyone, she gave the all clear for the others to open the door. As they entered, the crossbow was triggered and it’s arrow, now made out of feathers, floated harmlessly to the floor.

This is so dumb.

Cut for a heartfelt conversation between Hermione and Harry where she tells him what she went through, with very long copy paste from the first fic so Neil can make it filled.

“It’s good to be home and sleeping in a real bed again,” Caitlin said as she stretched and wiggled her toes in contentment.

“It’s good just to be alive,” Emily sighed. “I thought we were all as good as dead.”

They don´t really sound all that traumatised from being locked away in a dungeon for weeks and almost starving.

“Didn’t I tell you never to give up?” Caitlin queried. “We have something that will always give us an advantage over the supporters of evil. We have love.”

This is so stupid.

“Yeah we do,” Emily said, feeling extremely fortunate to have been adopted by the Potters after tragically losing her own parents. She cuddled closer to her sister. “Speaking of love, where is Jamie? Is she off doing the dirty deed with Alex?”

“She’s with Alex, but I doubt she’s in a shagging mood,” Caitlin said. “I think right now she just wants to be held. Did you get a good look at her after she transfigured back to herself?”

“Yeah! She looked awful. As evil as Hooch was and as much as the bitch deserved to die, I wish someone else could have done the actually killing. Jamie is just too much like her Animagus form, good and pure. I think she’s having an extremely hard time dealing with the reality that she killed someone.”

It would actually have been interesting if we have had the whole "impaling Hooch" moment from Jamies pov, as she was facing a teacher she has known since her first year who suddenly turned evil and had hurt two people she loved, and how hard it would be even to kill her, the lady who taught her to ride a broomstick and Quidditch, even in self defense and to save her sisters.

“That’s why I can never picture Jamie as an Auror,” Caitlin said. “She has all the other abilities to be great, but she lacks hatred. I know being an Auror doesn’t always involve killing, but there are times when there are no other alternatives. Today she almost waited too long before acting.”

Because Jamie Sue is so pure that she can´t hate. Well, aside from being clothed...

“Emily, are you cold?” Caitlin asked out of the blue. “Would you like me to get us another blanket?”

“I’m fine. What makes you think I’m cold?” Emily asked.

Cut for boring, and a mention goes to that Emily told Madam Pomfrey not to make her enlarged boobs too small, as she doesnt want them the size they were before.

NEIL YOU SICKO!

Cut for another scene of sex talk.

“Not to change the subject, but did you get to talk to Jamie at all this morning?” Harry asked.

“No, she spent the entire night with Alex in the Room of Requirement,” Hermione replied.

Harry gave a devilish grin. “Well, in that case, I imagine everything is all right.”

“No, it’s not,” Hermione said, giving Harry an angry look. “Alex contacted me this morning while you were in Severus’ office. Jamie cried all night. He just held her in his arms and tried to comfort her. She’s having a difficult time dealing with what she did.”

For once, we get someone acting accordingly with trauma.

“She had no choice! Hooch would have mutilated and killed Emily!” Harry said.

“She knows that. She also knows that she had no option but to kill her. That doesn’t make it any easier for her to accept. It’s going to take time, love and patience for her to get over this.”

“Perhaps she should reconsider training for a career as an Auror,” Harry suggested.

“That’s a decision Alex and her have to discuss and make together, but I tend to agree with you. She has the mind and physical ability for the job, but I don’t think she has the penchant.”

As Hermione and Harry talked, the owls arrived with the daily mail. As Hermione slipped a coin in the owl’s bag, Harry grabbed the newspaper and began to read the headline.

SELF-PROFESSED GREAT ONE KILLED. HEROIC MINISTER OF MAGIC OF MAGIC DIES DURING RESCUE OF INNOCENT CHILDREN The magical world may never know the full account of what transpired last evening, but we can once again rest at ease knowing that a dark force bent on world domination has been defeated. Sadly this defeat came at the needless loss of our beloved Minister of Magic, Emma Wrong.

This is going to be one of the last mentions of Emma Wrong for the entire series.

What we do know is that on Friday, August 19, 2005 a kidnapping apparently took place at the residence of Ronald and Samantha Weasley, Hogsmeade. Reported as missing were: Timothy Weasley, age four; Benjamin Potter, age two months; Emily Zacherley-Potter, age 12; Caitlin Potter, age 13 and Jamie Zacherley, age 17.

Caitlin should already be 14 now, considering that she´s 15 the next fic.

Though then again, NO ONE EVER HAS A BIRTHDAY HERE.

All Ministry attempts to quickly locate these children were stalled by the lack of cooperation from their parents. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, having evidently allowed their previous success against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named go to their heads; decided that professional assistance was not needed. The experienced staff of Aurors at the Ministry of Magic was informed that their help was not necessary or even desired.

Had the Aurors been fully involved from the onset, this matter would most likely have been solved in days and undoubtedly without the lamentable loss of Minister Wrong’s life.

When the rag tag team of self-proclaimed detectives finally located the missing children last evening, they discovered that our brave Minister had arrived on the scene before them. Aurors conducting an investigation feel that Minister Wrong died while dueling the Great One in order to save the children from certain death. The Great One has been identified as Madam Hooch, a former teacher at Hogwarts who served a brief sentence in Azkaban for a minor offense.

I didnt know sexual abuse was a minor offense....

The Vice Minister, who has assumed the position of Minister of Magic until such time as a special election is held, asks that the magical community not take out its anger over the death of our beloved Minister on Weasley, Granger or Potter. “We all make tragic mistakes at times during our lives,” Minister Percy Weasley said. “We must forgive their blunder, but at the same time resolve that we, as good citizens of the magical world, will not allow ourselves to be misdirected by imprudent people such as these.”

Hermione had been reading the article along with Harry. When finished, they both stared at each other, for a short time speechless.

“What the hell is that all about!?” Harry shouted more loudly than necessary.

The Suethor is trying to recicle the canon-plot with Fudge into this.

“I’ve heard of a newspaper screwing up details of an account, but that story was pure fabrication. Who told them that Hooch was the Great One? And there isn’t a word about Salazar Slytherin,” Hermione declared.

“Talk about losing your appetite,” Harry said, shaking his head in frustration. “I have to contact our new Minister and find out if he’s fallen off his trolley.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Hermione asked.

“No!” Harry said. “My yelling would probably wake Ben. Besides you don’t like when I swear and I anticipate doing a lot of swearing.

* * * * * *

Anyway, Harry then confronts Percy:

“My daughters were not hallucinating,” Harry affirmed. “Jamie isn’t a child. She gave the same account.”

“I’ve been informed that Miss Zacherley was extremely delusional and distraught,” Percy added. “The first Aurors on the scene state that she was wondering around totally nude, covered with blood and mumbling something about committing murder. How can you possibly consider her a steadfast witness?”

“How do you explain the blood on her?” Harry snapped back. “Jamie is a unicorn Animagus. She gorged Hooch on her horn to prevent the bitch from torturing and mutilating Emily.”

“And after that, did the pink elephants do a dance?” Percy asked sarcastically.

This is so ridicculous and contrived, even for Neils standards.

Harry’s face turned red with anger. “I don’t care if you are the Minister of Magic, Percy. You’re still an arse. You always have been and you always will be. Bring your fucking, good for nothing arse here to Hogwarts and Jamie will demonstrate her abilities for you.”

“I don’t care if Zacherley can turn into all seven dwarfs simultaneously,” Percy said arrogantly. “You and your brood are not going to besmirch Emma Wrong’s good name. She was the only one that stood by me after the Fudge debacle. It’s because of her that I’m where I am today.”

“Now the truth comes out,” Harry bellowed. “You don’t care two Knuts about Wrong’s good name. Percy Weasley is all you’re concerned about. If the truth comes out about her being The Great One, her assistant won’t last a week as Minister of Magic.”

This is so stupid.

“She was not the Great One,” Percy screamed.

How am I supposed to take this serious?

“Then explain the dungeon and why the children were being held prisoner in her manor.”

Percy sighed. “It’s possible that Hooch might have had her under the Imperius Curse the last few weeks. We have no way of being sure.”

“Then Hooch must have been one hell of a witch,” Harry declared. “When Hermione entered the manor, the memories of her missing week returned to her. She was held captive in that very dungeon. If my memory is correct, Hooch was in Azkaban at that time. Was she controlling Wrong by owl?”

Percy then accuses Harry of starting a panic regarding Salazar Slytherins resurrection, this is all to show how Neil is retconning new canon from the time into his canon, while simultaneously still holding on to events from the fanfictions he had taken his original canon from.

Ron is ashamed of having Percy as a brother and thinks that the Order of the Phoenix should hold a meeting.

We are now approaching what most of the fic will be about:

When Emily entered the Great Hall for dinner, Kim at her side, she was surprised to find it decorated similar to how it had been at the Leaving Feast. The only difference was that instead of being decorated in just the winning House’s colors, it was decorated with banners of both Gryffindor and Slytherin Houses.

Why?

Emily had barely taken her seat when Professor Snape stood up at the staff table.

“Although we just enjoyed the Welcoming Feast a few days ago,” he said, looking around at them all, “I felt the occasion warranted another celebration.” He paused briefly.

“The occasion I refer to is, of course, the safe return of three of our number,” the Headmaster said. “I would like you all, please, to stand, and raise your glasses, to Jamie Zacherley, Emily Zacherley-Potter and Caitlin Potter.”

Ah, thats why.

The benches scraped as everyone in the Hall stood. Even Dick Bancroft reluctantly got to his feet; he did so more to avoid attracting attention to himself than to salute the girls.

Funny, considering he has the hots for Jamie.

Once everyone was again seated, Snape continued. “I’m sure many of you have read the account of what took place, printed in the Daily Prophet. Most of that article was a cock-and-bull story. It was laden with lies, misdirection and missing vital information. Sadly, the Ministry of Magic does not want you to know the truth. Possibly some of your parents will be angered by what I am about to tell you.”

Even Dumbledore was may more subtle when it came to him bashing the Ministry.

“I was there. I believe, as did my predecessor, that the truth is generally preferable to lies. The only truth in the Prophet piece of writing was that these three girls along with Benjamin Potter and Timothy Weasley were kidnapped. The help of Ministry Aurors was never refused; I myself contacted the Ministry and gave them every detail of the situation.

“What is truly disturbing is that the Ministry has chosen to alter facts and hide information from our world for political reasons. Minister Wrong did not die trying to save the kidnap victims. In reality it was at her instructions that the abductions took place. Minister Wrong was in fact, The Great One; the authorities were told this by four witnesses, yet the Ministry is trying to save face and claim that Madam Hooch was the mastermind behind all this terrorism.”

Snape looked from table to table before continuing. “But what is worse is that the Ministry has decided to stick its head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend that a most serious threat to our world does not exist. The innocents were kidnapped by Emma Wrong in order to fulfill a prophecy and restore Salazar Slytherin to life. She was successful; it was Salazar Slytherin, himself, who killed her.”

DUN DUNN DUUNNNNNNN

Students looked at their friends. Every face in the Hall appeared stunned and frightened.

“I fear we are all facing dark and difficult times, perhaps even worse than when Lord Voldemort was at his height of power,” This is never shown. Snape proclaimed. Without further word, he clapped his hands. In an instant, the hangings for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw joined those of Gryffindor and Slytherin.

“It is at times like these that we must forget our petty House differences and unite against a mutual enemy. As Albus Dumbledore once said, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.”

And now we get to the real biscuits:

“It is because of our need to unite and work together, that I have decided to forge ahead with our plans to compete against our American cousins.” Snape paused to take a drink of pumpkin juice. Just like Salazar needed to pause from reading the prophecy. “Teams from America competed against each other this summer to determine which school would represent the States against us. The winning team from The Salem Witches’ Institute will be arriving on Halloween. That evening, we will select our team”

Ah, back when many still thought that The Salem Witches´ Institute was a school until Rowling refuted that.

Also, this means that this fic will get American Sues!

Not to mention...isnt it interesting that Kim got a new love interest on the cruise who just happened to be American?

Randy leaned over and whispered to Matt. “The tournament is as good as won. Hogwarts can easily beat a team composed of only girls.”

Randy is a character who will be more forgotten about as the fic goes on.

“Is that so,” Caitlin flared, defensively. “Are you saying girls aren’t as good in competition as boys?”

“Nothing personal,” Randy said apologetically.

“Besides,” Caitlin added. “SWI has been co-ed since the nineteen fifties. They just keep the name for traditional reasons.”

FORESHADOWING

“This competition will be very different from the Tri-Wizard Tournament held here over ten years ago,” Snape said. “Firstly, it is a team, rather than an individual event. Secondly, the contests will involve mental and physical challenges as well as the use of magical abilities. In some events, the use of magic will actually be strictly forbidden.

....BUT WHY

“The Goblet of Fire will be picking the Hogwarts contenders, but will be following prearranged rules. The team will be composed of six individuals, three boys and three girls. Each house will have at least one representative on the team and for obvious reasons, first years will not be allowed to participate.”

This pronouncement was followed by moans from the first years.

“Now, let’s be reasonable,” Professor Snape said, shaking his head. “As first years, most of you haven’t even learned to do a proper ‘swish and flick’ yet. However, if any of you get the notion to submit your name anyway, you should be warned. Before presenting me with the names of our team members, the Goblet will spit out any names of first years submitted. Mr. Filch will be standing by with a list of detention tasks to be assigned to those individuals. Now, I’ve rambled on way too long. Tuck in.”

So, as you see, the rest of the fic will focus more on this tournament than on the rise of Salazar. And of course, several soap opera scenarios.

End of Chapter Nine

Finally.

I forgot how long this chapter was.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 13: Day of Reckoning

Hello everybody, it´s been a little while since the last sporking, but here we are. And I hope to get through this chapter in one setting.

As a preparation, since the last chapters sporking, I read ahead the chapters after chapter 12, and believe, reading these unsporked was really a test of patience.

I might as well add that there will be large sections of this chapter I will leave unsporked, as it really is so stupid one has to read it to believe.

"Harry, I feel as if we've failed the girls," Hermione said, her melancholy mood apparent in her voice.

"I know, but we've done everything within our power," he said, caressing her absentmindedly.

"But it wasn't enough. The girls still have to spend the next eight months parading about appearing to be dressed in those appalling costumes. How could Severus agree to Hogwarts participating in this debacle? What was he thinking?" she asked.

"I wouldn't be too hard on Severus," Harry replied. "His intentions were honorable. All the reports he received concerning previous games were positive. When Minister Wrong approached him last year concerning Hogwarts competing against the Americans, he only visualized positive results from the meeting. Like us, he was not aware that greed had tarnished the games and turned them into an adolescent peek show."

And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the last ever time Emma Wrong is mentioned, and it is mentioned in a way that is so nonchalant and without any mentions of her running an empire of terror attacks, abductions and nipple eating.

"When did we catch up with and pass the Muggles?" Hermione asked. "I always thought the magical world was rather prudish and behind the times and now this happens. Even in the most liberal of Muggle schools, students would never be allowed to parade around in such outfits, let alone be forced to do so."

Hermione, you´re in Hogwarts Exposed.

"It isn't our world or the schools that are to blame, it is government corruption and the greed of individuals like Simone," Harry insisted. "I'm not at all happy with the situation, but for now I'm afraid the best we can do is prevent it from escalating. The concealment charm is going to frustrate Rishard to no end. He's looking forward to the girls, especially Jamie, putting on a revealingly good show."

The social commentary is truly subtle.

And the way Harry talks of Jamie giving a "revealingly good show" is rather creepy as well.

Hermione nodded her head in agreement to Harry's comments, but they had done little to abate her frustration. "Even without any accidents, I feel like he's still winning. The vision of the girls in those costumes alone is enough to cause most men to puff up; their various parts popping out was just an added bonus."

"At least the girls should be able to cope with the situation," said Harry, sighing deeply. "They might not be happy with the sexually explicit nature of the costumes, but being nudists, they aren't ashamed for their various body parts to be seen. I can't imagine how Nora and the boys will react. Nora, especially; she is so shy and modest."

Don´t worry, Harry, Nora is gonna be brainwashed into accepting the dogma of naturism soon enough.

"I suggested to Jamie that she should try to convince the others to also use the charm, but I doubt that she'll have much success. The boys will likely be thrilled about the girls being nude, but I doubt they'll be willing to follow suit. Then, like you said, there is poor Nora. I doubt she'll have the courage to even leave her dormitory tomorrow."

"Hermione, what would you do?" Harry asked. "I mean under the same circumstances, would you wear the costume or go naked with only the charm?"

Hermione thought for a while. "That depends on what period in my life we're talking about. Now, I wouldn't hesitate in the slightest to use the charm; I'd have absolutely no problem with my teammates seeing me nude. However, back when I was a young girl in school, it would be a completely different question because I was an entirely different person. As a first and second year, I would definitely have opted for the costume. I can't picture me letting anyone see me nude, even though there wasn't anything much really to see. Even as a third, fourth and fifth year my body still wasn't exactly bursting forth. I would have probably still taken my chances with the costume rather than have anyone see me totally naked."

Does this sound like something the actual canon Hermione would ever say?

Hermione blushed. "In my sixth and seventh year, my breasts would have never been content to stay confined in that costume. I would have had to use the charm out of necessity although I would have died of embarrassment being naked unless you and Ron were my teammates. We were such good friends that I don't think I would have been nearly as embarrassed to be seen by either of you."

Such natural sounding dialogue. I´m so stunned.

Hermione laughed. "Maybe I should have let you guys see me naked in second or third year," she said. "Then at least it would have been evident to you that your one mate was a girl."

"That was Ron," Harry said defensively. "I always knew you were a girl. I just never realized that you were the girl I was destined to love. Speaking of which. You're upset tonight. Would you rather we forgo our normal pleasure?"

B O N K

"Harry, I don't think I could sleep a wink if we didn't make love. Being joined with you, as one, completes my day." Hermione paused. "There is something else we must discuss first, however. What are we going to do about Emily?"

"I don't feel anything needs to be done," Harry said, acting in Emily's defense. "Sure, she's more irrational than the other girls, but her heart is in the right place. Emily's a good girl."

Show, don´t tell.

Emily is by far the worst behaving of all the Sues, and yet Neil wants us to believe that she´s a good girl.

I hate her.

"I wasn't talking about punishing her," Hermione clarified. "I'd prefer she let it out rather than hiding her true emotions and feelings. I was more concerned with the concealment charm. Emily, as you well know, is the radical nudist in this family. Since she was taught the charm, not a week has gone by that she hasn't asked about the possibility of her using it instead of wearing clothes to attend classes. Now Caitlin, Jamie and Kim are about to do it, not for a day, but for eight months. Emily didn't make the team with them and now they are about to do something she's been begging to do for what seems like forever."

"Are you suggesting that we also let her use the charm?"

Well, of course!

Is anyone really surprised at this point?

Hermione nodded her head, a guilty expression on her face. "Harry, I must be the worst mother in the world. Yes, you are! Tomorrow morning I intend to send my two young daughters, their best friend and Jamie off to classes, all totally starkers." "Then I'm the world's worst father because I back your decision one hundred percent," Harry said. "But they won't actually be naked. They'll have on their socks and trainers."

OMG DATS LIKE SO FUNNY OMG OMG Hermione stared at Harry momentarily, and then broke into laughter. "Men," she said, before nestling back in his arms.

* * * * * *

Tuesday, November 1, 2005 "Girls, hurry!" Hermione yelled. "You're not going to have time for breakfast if you don't get a move on." "I think I've lost my appetite," Kim said, as she led the other girls into the room. "This is going to be harder than going nude on the cruise was."

Oh, the conflict! Can´t you feel the suspense in this scene? "You'll be fine," Hermione lied as she inspected the girls. The short walk from the bedroom to the sitting room had been enough to cause Jamie's breasts to burst out of her top. Kim's slit looked like it was trying to devour her tiny triangular bottom. Only Caitlin remained at least minimally covered.

This whole "Caitlin has flat breasts" gag is both really annoying, cringe and reeks of unfortunate implications. Harry and Hermione exchanged perplexed looks. "Is this going to work?" Harry asked, as he held a sleeping Ben. "Doesn't the charm simply replace the clothing? What is going to prevent their goodies from still popping out?"

Harry, you calling them "goodies" makes you seem like a pervert. "The difference is that unlike an article of clothing, the charm isn't actually worn. It is more like a three dimensional projection that appears solid. Clothing can shift position, the projection can't. It will always cover what it initially covered." Hermione paused. "You can even feel as if you are grabbing onto it, but when you pull, nothing happens because there is actually nothing there. You can't touch, rip or tear something that doesn't exist."

How convenient that such spells exist. Occasionally one truly forgets that this is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfic. "Mum, does that mean that it can't get wet or dirty?" Caitlin asked. "Exactly! If you fell in mud, your body would be covered from head to foot. The charmed article would appear completely clean, while in reality you would be covered in mud underneath it. Now, what we want to do is have each of you adjust your costume before I perform the charm on you. You want to cover your breasts on the side as best as you can and also make sure that the triangular patch at your crotch is smooth and covering as much as possible.

The latter part is where I´m asking - why all these details?

Though it´s rather obvious why. "So then once they are covered with the charm, they can't get a camel toe or expose a nipple?" Harry asked.

Well, considering how Madam Hooch is out of the way now, I doubt they need to be afraid of her showing up and attempting to eat their nipples. "No, no accidents," Hermione said, "but unfortunately that still leaves an awful lot exposed."

One might even say Overexposed, am I right? "An awful lot!" Harry repeated, wondering what his reaction would have been at 15 seeing Hermione, Cho or Parvati in a costume such as this. B O N K Suddenly he was having second thoughts about the girls leaving the sanctuary of their quarters. "They're required to go about their normal activities," Hermione said, as if reading Harry's mind. "We have no choice." Harry and Emily stood watching as Hermione did the charm on each girl individually and then as they in turn slipped out of their costume.

I still find it baffling how the main conflict and actual plot of this fic is angsting about these stripperific outfits and that the main villain is a flamboyant camp gay stereotype. They all appeared to be still dressed, but Emily knew from personal experience that they were actually nude. As the girls slipped on their socks and trainers, Hermione gave some additional advice. "I didn't charm the capes because I didn't know whether you wanted to wear them or not. They don't really cover anything; they just draw attention and make you look more ludicrous. Also, be careful how you bend, do a lady-like squat. The front and back of that outfit is only connected by a quarter inch string; it won't hide anything if you bend improperly."

This is the last time the capes are mentioned as part of the outfit, afterwards, they´re never mentioned again.

Like so many other things in this series. Emily had watched, a gloomy expression on her face, as Hermione performed the charm on Jamie, Caitlin and Kim in succession. "I'm afraid that's about all I can do to help you," Hermione said dolefully. "I hope the other students understand. After all, anyone of them could be in your shoes. Speaking of shoes; Emily, quickly slip out of your shoes and socks." "Why?" Emily said staring at her mum questioningly. Then she suddenly realized why. "Are you going to put me under the charm, too?" she asked elatedly. Hermione nodded her head and gave her youngest daughter a weak smile. Emily was euphoric.

I hate Emily.

* * * * * *

"So far, so good," Caitlin said, as they neared the Great Hall. "Caitlin, we used the private stairs from the staff quarters to the Great Hall; no one has even seen you yet," Emily reminded her.

In this fic, you never know though. "I know. I wish we could keep it that way," she said. "I realize this sounds crazy, but I'd prefer if everyone were about to see me nude rather than in this sluttish outfit."

This is going to be a running gag in this fic from now on. "It's not crazy," Jamie assured her. "Kim and I feel the same way." Kim nodded her head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's get this over with." The others agreed as they hurried from the refuge of the tapestry-covered passageway to the Great Hall, bursting with students. As they entered, every eye turned in their direction, but they weren't greeted with the expected wolf whistles or obscene remarks. In fact the relative quiet was unsettling, considering the display they were affording the other students. Quickly, they split. That sounds rather impractical in this fic though. Caitlin and Jamie heading to the Gryffindor table, Emily and Kim to Slytherin. "That went better than I expected," Jamie said as she took a seat next to Amanda. "I thought we'd be greeted with all sorts of obnoxious comments." "That's because Snape chewed out the entire hall just before you got here," Amanda responded.

Yes, the one time Snape shows some spine, it´s off screen! "What happened?" Jamie asked inquiringly. "When the Americans walked in they were given the type of reception I imagine you were expecting. The pretty blonde -- didn't you say her name was Debby? Yes, this one of the few times we get a description -- became quite flustered and actually tripped over her own feet. Brian prevented her from actually falling to the floor, but in the process, both her boobs popped out. The Hall went wild and she's been crying ever since." Jamie glanced toward the Hufflepuff table and saw Debby crying her heart out, her head buried in Brian's chest. "Snape saw the whole thing and literally blew his top," Amanda explained. "He went into a tirade for about ten minutes about how wrong it was that the contenders were forced to wear such provocative costumes and that he was ashamed to be associated with the event. Bottom line is that if anyone treats any contestant with anything but the utmost respect, that person will be packing their bags and leaving Hogwarts."

Oh well. "That should put an end to obscene remarks," Caitlin said, "but I doubt it will have much effect on the lustful stares." "Especially in your case, Jamie. How in the world are you managing to make your breasts behave?" Amanda inquired.

Would you ever have expected to read a sentence like this in what is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfic? "The concealment charm," Jamie whispered in Amanda's ear. "Caitlin and I are actually sitting here nude."

How lucky that no one outside the table hears it, considerng that everyone around them stares at them. Amanda stared at Jamie in total disbelief, before saying, "May I?" Once she touched Jamie, she just sat there speechless, a confounded expression on her face.

Seriously? "Good morning, everybody," Alex said, giving Jamie a light kiss on the cheek and sliding in next to her. "I wanted to be here before you guys," Alex said apologetically, "but I overslept. I hope you and the others weren't given any grief." Without thinking he laid his hand comfortingly on Jamie's. He had momentarily forgotten about the concealment charm, but in a few seconds he was reminded and quickly removed his hand. "Alex, you're the only one that can see me," Jamie said, reaching for his hand. "I don't want this charm changing anything between us." "It won't," he said, resisting a compelling urge to reach out and touch Jamie's tempting breasts.

So much for nudity being completely nonsexual.

* * * * * *

I have no idea why Neil added a break when it´s not even a scene transition.

"How does it feel to actually finally walk the corridors of Hogwarts nude?" Alex asked. "I know its something you've always wanted to do." "Yes, but not like this," Jamie answered disconsolately. "Although I'm nude, it looks to everyone as if I'm wearing a scandalous outfit. I'd much prefer they see me as I actually am. "Truthfully, I imagine what I really want is a Utopian dream," Jamie continued. "I'd like to live in a world where people just saw me simply as Jamie Zacherley, a world in which I wasn't judged by my clothes or lack of same or by my physical appearance, but rather only by the type of human being I am."

This mega melodramatic monologue just reeks of Ebonys "Why couldnt Satan have made me less beautiful?" speech from My Immortal. "Do you really think the world could ever evolve to the point that people would ignore nude individuals around them?" Alex asked. "No," Jamie answered honestly. "Not unless everyone suddenly started running about starkers and I doubt that is about to happen. For now I'd be happy if people would just stop equating nudity with sex."

Oh well. Alex nodded in agreement. "Oh! Alex!" Jamie cried out. "We have to help her." At first Alex had no idea what Jamie was going on about, and then he saw Nora. She was sitting on the floor in the doorway of an unused classroom. She had her knees pulled up to her chest, her cape pulled tightly around her. The girl was shaking uncontrollably as tears streamed down her face.

Yes, this is the actual first time we actually meet Nora.

While she as an alternate was present in the previous chapter, we still had virtually no introduction to her and she said nothing.

So she was essentially a non-entity.

Without thought, Alex removed his robes and draped them over the emotionally distraught girl. "I'm not allowed to cover myself," she cried, but made no movement to remove the comforting robes. "This is a lot of bull," Alex shouted, "and it's not going on for a minute longer. Jamie, I'm taking Nora to the headmaster's office. I'm going to need the rest of the team. It would help if we had the Americans' support, too. Do you think Professor Granger or Potter could get them?" "Alex, what are you going to do?" Jamie asked.

Jamie, he pretty much already stated it. "That depends on your fellow competitors," Alex answered, as without explanation he picked up Nora in his arms.

How realistic.

* * * * * *

"Professor Snape, what is so urgent that it necessitated my being dragged from my warm bed?" Rishard asked, as he entered the headmaster's office.

"I'm not quite sure myself," Snape responded, frostily. "I did not initiate this get-together; therefore I'm also extremely anxious to learn its purpose. Now that Mr. Simone has arrived, could you kindly explain why we are here Mr. Ward?"

This sounds as if canon!Snape is trying to get out of Exposed!Woobie!Snape. "Yes sir," Alex responded, "but first may I please beg your indulgence as I ask a few questions of those gathered here." "A few questions," Snape agreed, "but be quick about it. This is disrupting the school day."

Wait, they actually go to classes at Exposed!Hogwarts? "These are general questions I'd like to ask of all members of both the American and Hogwarts teams," Alex said. "Please respond by raising your hand when appropriate." "How many of you like the costumes you have been issued to wear for the competition?" Those assembled all watched apprehensively as not one hand was raised. "It doesn't matter whether or not they like the uniforms," Simone shouted huffily. "They have a magical contract."

Which works how?

Do their heads explode when they decide not to wear these costumes? "Yes, we're all well aware of that," Snape replied. "Please allow Mr. Ward to continue his questioning. I would like to see where this is all heading." "How many of you would have not even considered being a part of the competition if you had known before hand that you'd be required to wear such a revealing costume as practically your only clothing for the next eight months?" Alex asked. This time all hands went up.

THE MAIN CONFLICT OF THE FIC EVERYBODY "I'm sorry Severus, but this is a waste of my time," Rishard said haughtily. "Mr. Simone, would you rather waste a few minutes now or a few days later in court?" Alex asked. "What are you going on about boy? Rishard asked angrily. "No barrister would consider taking such a case. Magical contracts can not be broken." "You're wrong," Alex declared. "Legal magical contracts can not be broken. Each of these students is obliged to compete in your tasks, but they are not required to wear your costumes, most certainly not everyday for the next eight months." Rishard shook his head in frustration. "Okay, junior barrister, suppose you tell me just why they don't have to wear the costumes." Alex smiled. "I wanted to be sure, so I stopped and got this book from the library on my way here." He turned to page 169 Get it? and read out loud. "Magical contracts are no different than paper contracts with the exception that there is no printed copy. All the same rules apply. Both parties must be made aware of all the particulars prior to completion of the contract. Noncompliance with items not disclosed will not negate the remainder of the contract." "Very interesting, Mr. Ward," Snape said, "twenty-five points to Gryffindor. This is so in character for Snape. Oy vey. "You might want to consider a job in the legal profession. Mr. Simone, do you still feel that no barrister would consider taking this case?" "This is preposterous, he's just a boy," Simone argued. "Certainly you people can't place any merit in the dribble he's spewing. It has been the authority of the games committee to select participation uniforms for over a thousand years."

"And how long has it been policy to insist that they be worn on a daily basis for eight straight months?" Severus questioned. Rishard hemmed and hawed before saying, "That would be new policy, but it is still part of the magical contract." "Only if disclosed to the participants before they became bond," Severus declared. "I know my students were not aware of your new policy, were you?" Severus directed his eyes to the group of Americans who quickly shook their heads no. "Before returning to your classes, you might want to all slip into something more appropriate for a wizarding school," Snape announced. "You're overstepping your authority, Snape," Rishard warned in his anxious high-pitched voice.

This is the Main Villain, everyone. "I might well be," Severus said. "Sue me if you can find a barrister willing to take the case." Rishard literally shook with anger. "This doesn't change the training or actual competition," Rishard warned. "They must dress as directed for those events."

I have the feeling that if this was set in a more logical setting rather than Bizarro!Dark!Edgy!Potterverse, then I think that if the parents saw their mostly underage children wear these outfits for the events that they immediately would protest and that the events would be cancelled as a consequence to that. "If that indeed proves to be correct, they will," Severus agreed. "Humiliation is always difficult to bear, but rather five days than over two hundred." Severus turned to the assembled students. "Is there anything anyone wants to add?" "Sir, would it be all right if Jamie and I talked with all the contestants for a moment before they went about their business?" Alex asked. "Certainly," Snape said motioning to a corner of the room. Rishard watched suspiciously as everyone gathered around Jamie and Alex. Before Alex could speak, Debby threw her arms around him and kissed him soundly. "I'm sorry," she said looking first at Alex and then toward Jamie. "Brian told me that you were engaged, but I had to kiss him. You cannot imagine how good it will feel to get some clothes on and not be the center of attention for a change."

Oh well, Debby, regarding clothes, I´m afraid to tell you.... "Just don't make a habit of it," Jamie warned before giving Debby a friendly hug. I can´t help but imagine Jamie having a huge slasher smile in this scene and context. "Look, we can't talk here, too much chance of being overheard. Can everyone meet me Friday night at eight o'clock outside the entrance to the Great Hall? It's about these costumes and it's important."

* * * * * *

Cut for a boring scene about Emily and Caitlins relationship dramas, and another boring scene about prom dates.

"You can't imagine how good it feels to wear clothes again," Debby said as she and the other members of the American team approached Jamie and Alex. "I hate that ludicrous outfit. Words can never express my gratitude."

Yes, Debby, and by the end of the fic you will hate clothes alltogether. "Words will have to do," Jamie said with a warning laugh. "You've already exceeded your yearly limit of kissing Alex." Jamie looked around and counted heads. "I think that's everybody then, please follow me," she said. "Where are we going?" Dick bellowed. "And where are Thatcher and Potter?" "I don't want to talk here," Jamie answered. "Kim and Caitlin are preparing a place where we won't be disturbed." "I don't have all night to be traipsing around the castle," Dick complained. "Furthermore, what is Ward doing here? He isn't a member of either team."

Dick is only saying this because the scene needs a contrarian. "He's my boyfriend and he's How hard was it just to write "he is here"? here at my request," Jamie replied. "I might need his help to stick your head in a chamber pot if you don't shut up and stop bellyaching." Debby smiled. She definitely liked Jamie and Alex. Something about them just sparked trust. On the other hand, Bancroft had easily won her disdain.

Like other sporkers have noted in this scene, it would have been way more interesting if Debby found herself more drawn to Bancroft than the way too perfect Jamie Sue. Jamie looked about nervously as the group followed her and Alex as they made their way toward the seventh floor. "Harry offered me his map," Jamie whispered to Alex, "but I was fearful someone else might see it."

And then this is promptly forgotten about. "I don't imagine it's necessary to name names," Alex said squeezing her hand. "I'm disappointed," he moaned. "Your robes are real."

Alex, you pervert!

"Yes, but what's under them isn't. That's another reason I wanted you with me." "Why are you bringing us up to the seventh floor?" Bancroft complained. "There's nothing up here." "Do you call that nothing?" Jamie asked, as they approached a highly polished door with a brass handle. Alex seized the handle, pulled open the door, and led the way in. The room was spacious, and illuminated with flickering torches. The walls were lined with wooden bookcases containing every manner of law book imaginable. How convenient. There were also seventeen extremely comfortable chairs. "I've been on this floor numerous times before and I've never seen this room," Dick complained. "Maybe you weren't looking for it," Caitlin said with a chuckle.

OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY LOOK HOW SMART CAITLIN IS LETS ALL CLAP FOR HER "If everyone will please take a seat, I'd like to get started," Jamie said. Caitlin and Kim remained standing uneasily on either side of Jamie as the others all were seated. "Prior to you getting started, may I ask why the three of you are wearing robes inside on a Friday evening?" Jeff questioned. "What we want to talk about tonight involves a little show and tell," But mostly tell! Jamie explained. "Bear with me and you'll understand in a few minutes. "First I'd like to properly introduce Alex Ward, my wonderful boyfriend, who found the flaw in the contract that allowed us to get out of wearing those hideous costumes nearly every waking moment for the next eight months." Everyone applauded and either kissed Alex or patted him on the back. Surprisingly even Dick Bancroft shook Alex's hand and murmured what sounded like, thanks mate. "Unfortunately, thus far, Alex hasn't found any loophole that will get us out of wearing those atrocities for training or the actual contests," Jamie remarked. "I don't understand," said Nora nervously. "What is the difference?" "Tradition and over a thousand years of precedence," Jamie answered. "Having us wear his awful costumes on a daily basis was Simone's original idea. The concept was totally new to wizard competition and therefore needed to be explained in full before it could become part of the magical contract. It not only wasn't explained, but it wasn't even revealed, therefore it can't be part of the contract."

As was clearly stated earlier that day.

Why is this repeated again if we all already know? "I'm confused," Jeff admitted. "If the costumes are considered to be indecent for us to wear daily, why is it okay for us to wear them for training and in the actual events?" "You've jumped to an erroneous conclusion," Alex interjected. It´s not an interjection when he´s answering the question, Suethor! "The fact that you don't have to wear the outfits on a daily basis has nothing to do with whether they are indecent or not. You don't have to wear them because being required to do so on a daily basis was a change from tradition that was not properly explained before the magical contract was initiated." "You mean that we still have to wear them for training and the actual competition?" Nora asked, devastated. "They're still ghastly and indecent." "That, they are," Jamie agreed, "but unfortunately it has been traditional for event holders to issue uniforms for the games. It was not necessary for this to be explained to us because it has been the accepted policy since the origin of the games." "But certainly not such revealing outfits," Nora pleaded. Alex nodded his head. "I was hoping that we could use that against Rishard, but it seems history is on his side. For a period of over two hundred years, wizards and witches actually competed in the same attire as the original Muggle Olympians." "Didn't those dudes contend starkers?" Brian questioned. "Exactly," Alex answered. "I'm sure Rishard has pointed this out on numerous occasions to those opposing him." "Let me get this straight," Bancroft fumed. "We don't have to wear mini Speedos on a daily basis, but we do have to wear them for the two training sessions and the three actual events when the entire wizarding world will be watching. I was expecting good news. Why are you wasting our time if you don't have any worthwhile to tell us?" "We do have something meaningful to say," Jamie responded. "I'm sorry, I wish we had a way of getting us all out of wearing Rishard's debauched creations, but we don't. We do, however, have a way of preventing body parts from popping out while participating." Jamie removed her robes; Caitlin and Kim followed suit. Kim's face glowed a bright pink as all the competitors from both teams stared at the trio.

This is so dumb.

"The way you're staring at us now, is exactly the way the spectators will be looking at all of us during the competition," Jamie said, disgust evident in her voice. "But as provocative and revealing as these costumes might be on their own, Rishard is expecting us to deliver much more to his audience. He is counting on us to have numerous 'accidents' throughout the course of the contests."

Jamie looked pointedly at Bancroft. "And it's not just boobs that he's hoping will pop out. He wants both male and female privates on display, too." For the next few minutes, members of the American team related stories of the numerous embarrassing moments they had endured during the US competition wearing a less revealing costume than now required. After Debby finished telling the story of how she had spent ten agonizing minutes as part of a human ladder with her vagina completely exposed, everyone sat in silence for a few moments.

That does sound rather unpleasant.

But still strange how no one dared to bring this up while still in the US. Debby looked intently at Jamie, tears filling her eyes. "These contests are going to be seen world wide on wizard cam. I don't want my pussy bared to the entire wizarding world." "We have a way out," Jamie said hesitantly. "It has its draw backs, but it's better than the alternative." Jamie gave Caitlin and Kim a smile. "Are you ready?" Both girls gave Jamie a nervous smile as she began counting. First the three girls did ten toe touches. They followed this with ten sit ups, ten pushups and ten jumping jacks. To finish everything off, Caitlin did a handstand with a full split.

This whole plot is so ridicculous. Everyone watched with amazement, particularly the Americans. "How did you do that?" Brian asked, looking totally flabbergasted. "Wearing those outfits, your breasts should be exposed." He stared at the spot where Caitlin's legs met. "You don't even have a hint of a camel toe. I hate this fic. By rights you should be totally showing off." Debby and the remainder Not balance? of the American team nodded their heads in agreement. "It's impossible. How did you manage to stay in your uniforms?" Debby asked. Jamie took a deep breath. "It was easy," she said. "You see, we aren't really wearing Rishard's costumes. We are covered with a concealment charm. In reality, except for our trainers and socks, we're nude." "What do you take us for?" Bancroft yelled. "Do you actually expect us to believe that blarney?"

Why would a pureblood wizard like him be surprised over that a spell like that exists?

Oh, I forgot - this scene needs a contrarian! "In your case, I'm surprised that you've accepted the principle that the world is round," Jamie said, frustration evident in her voice. She reached out her arm. "Touch my hand." Alex cringed as Dick Bancroft reached out and touched Jamie's hand. Bancroft barely made contact when his mouth open and his chin dropped. He didn't speak, but he did seem on the verge of drooling. Jamie withdrew her hand, but Dick's eyes remained fixed on her body.

This isnt the first time where we have seen Dick gushing over Jamies oh so hot body.

Despite all these scenes, nothing ever comes of it.

Strangely enough, Jamie and Dick actually have more of a dynamic and even somewhat of a chemistry than Jamie has with Alex, who we still essentially know nothing about. "I don't understand how you can consider being nude better than wearing that depraved costume. Either way your private parts are seen," Nora pleaded. "It's extremely different," Debby said. "One way, you're exposed to the entire world. I expect that my pictures will float about on the Muggle Internet How strange how she suddenly mentions the Muggle Internet, considering that they before and after this scene keep mentioning the Wizard Net. for the rest of my life. The other way, you might be seen totally nude, but only by a few people that you intimately trust." Her eyes rested on Brian. "Jamie, would you please teach me that charm?" "I'm in too," said Brian. A couple of the other Americans also agreed, but one girl and the other three boys declined. None of the Hogwarts competitors seemed willing to take the plunge. "Why can't we wear both the costume and the charm?" Nora asked. "We thought about that but it causes numerous problems. The charm is meant to hide flesh, so parts of the real costume sometimes stick out from under the charm. Plus if the actual costume becomes out of place, which it will, there is no way to adjust it. We need to be careful that Rishard doesn't catch on to what we're doing.

I said it before, but my G-d is this plot ridicculous!

So an ancient dark lord returns from the death, and yet this is supposed to be the main conflict of the fic?! "If there are no other questions, I'm willing to show anyone that's interested how to apply the charm." After Jamie had showed the interested Americans how to use the charm, the students separated into teams so that members could become accustomed to seeing their teammates nude.

This is part of the cultish brainwashing for the wonders of naturism.

* * * * * *

Saturday, November 5, 2005 "What do you think practice will be like?" Caitlin asked Jamie as they both nervously nibbled I almost read that as Nipples! at their breakfast. "I've no idea," she said. "I'm just glad that Harry is going to coach and be present at the training sessions. That Rishard is creepy; he makes me uneasy." "I don't like him either. He's most definitely a pervert," Caitlin declared. "Although he seems more interested in watching the boys than he does the girls."

Which in Neils eyes makes him even more evil. "Yeah! His only interest in us is that we expose ourselves enough to satisfy his paying clientele," Jamie replied. "I heard that these training sessions are even open to the public. I wish Nora and the guys had decided to use the charm." "Especially Nora," Caitlin said. "She's so shy. I'm afraid she'll be a basket case before the day is over. She must be assimilated!" Jamie nodded her head in agreement. "You don't mind if I come watch the practice, do you?" Alex said placing a hand on both Jamie and Caitlin's shoulders. "I kind of want to keep an eye on Bancroft." "We'd be disappointed if you didn't come," Jamie answered candidly. "Okay, see you in a bit then," Alex said, leaning down and kissing both girls on the cheek before starting away. "Wait up," Jamie shouted. "We're done eating. You can escort us both down to the Quidditch Pitch." "Now that's an offer I can't refuse," Alex said gleefully. "It's not often I get to escort the two prettiest girls in Hogwarts." He put an arm around each girl's waist. "Do you realize how envious all the other guys are right now and they can't even see what I can?"

This is clearly Neil speaking through Alex. "Just make sure that hand stays on my waist," Jamie warned. "No grabbing a feel of my butt."

I´m surprised Jamie has any boundaries at all. Caitlin giggled. "You can squeeze mine if you want, Alex. I think it would feel neat."

-_- Jamie, Caitlin and Alex all exchanged impish looks and then burst into laughter.

* * * * * *

Cut for a boring scene with Emily and Tyler.

"Good morning," Rishard said, surveying both groups of players. "You certainly all look divine today."

He glanced at Harry and gave him a wink. "This is our first of two 'Get to Know You' sessions. To be successful in these games you must know your teammates and trust them intimately."

"What we're going to do first is a humorous little ice breaking drill using a simple little beanbag. Would both teams please form circles?"

Harry and Buddy had their teams comply, spacing the members about three meters apart in two separate circles. After the teams were positioned, Rishard handed Harry and Bud each two beanbags and instructed them to hold on to them until later. He then walked over to the team from Salem. He handed Debby a beanbag and then whispered something in her ear.

"I wonder what he told her?" Emily asked.

"I'm not sure," Tyler replied, "but I wouldn't want her looking at me like that."

Debby's face was flushed, but she was staring livid daggers at Mr. Simone.

Rishard next walked over to the Hogwarts contingent and handed a beanbag to Jamie. "My, but doesn't that costume display your attributes nicely," he whispered. "Your tits look like they're just begging to be unleashed."

This sounds like completely natural dialogue.

Jamie just glared at Rishard. She couldn't believe that he was talking to her in such an improper way.

I´m surprised that she is surprised at this point.

"I should warn you," Rishard continued, "that costume might not be able to restrain those beauties of yours, but don't worry. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sure the sight will be greatly appreciated by all those watching."

I don´t know why, but it seems that Neil wants to show that he´s a pervert.

"Now then, each team has a beanbag," Rishard announced loudly. "Introduce yourself to your teammates. Tell something unique about yourself and then toss the bag to the player on your right. Take your time; it is more important you get to know your teammates than it is to rush."

Debby and Jamie both began to speak, but since Tyler and Emily were sitting nearer to the Hogwarts team and could hear them better; they concentrated more on their introductions.

"I'm Jamie Sue Zacherley, a seventh year Gryffindor," Jamie announced. "Most of you are probably by now aware of my uniqueness; I'm a Mary Sue naturist."

Jamie then passed the bag to Caitlin. Each player introduced him or herself and then passed the bag on until it reached Nora who was standing on Jamie's left. Nora had a difficult time reaching for the bag. Her left hand was busy covering her crotch, while she tried to cover her chest with her right arm.

"I'm Nora Jordan, vice president of the Gobstones Club," she said timidly.

No idea what that is.

Mr. Simone had been watching both groups waiting for them to complete their introductions. "Now what I want you to do is call out any teammates name and toss the beanbag to that person. Try to do it as quickly as possible, but make sure your throws are accurate. Begin!"

Nora called Jeff's name and then without moving her arm, made a pathetic one hand toss to the boy on her immediate left.

"She's going to need to loosen up," Alex said to Amanda, who was now sitting with him. "She must be assimilated!"

"That's easier said then done," Amanda answered back. "The poor girl is embarrassed to be seen in public in that outrageous getup and I don't blame her. Worse yet, she's scared stiff to move for fear of becoming even more exposed."

Alex was sympathetic to how Nora felt, but at the same time realized that her inhibition might well eventually be the downfall of the Hogwarts team.

Both teams seemed to be having fun tossing the beanbag about; only a few players had dropped it. After getting their attention, Simone gave Harry and Bud the signal and they both called a name tossing a second beanbag into the circle. After a few more minutes the third bag was added. Nora stood apprehensively; she knew sooner or later one of the bags would come in her direction. She was amazed that no one had thus far thrown to her. Obviously all her teammates, Bancroft included, had decided it was best to avoid throwing to the timorous girl.

Oh well. Seems that someone is trying to take Caitlins title of being the Queen of Angst.

Anyway, we now come to another one of the most infamous scenes of the series:

Then without warning, it happened. Three people called his name at the same time and Bancroft found three beanbags zinging his direction. He leaned to his left, stretched to the right and then jumped skyward. Unbelievably he had caught all three bags. He started to send them off in different directions when Jamie flung her arms around him and held him in a tight embrace.

"What the ...?" Dick started to say.

"Your penis decided it wanted some fresh air," Jamie quickly explained. "I'll keep you shielded while you adjust yourself."

I laughed so hard when I read that the first time.

Jamie held on just long enough for Bancroft to put things back where they belonged, and then she hurried back to her position in the circle. Dick just stared as she walked away. That had almost been worth being exposed.

Or even Overexposed.

"I hope she doesn't have to do anything like that too often during the competition," Amanda said.

"You hope!?" Alex said, his face turning a sickly green. "If she ever has to hug him again, I'm going to end up tossing my breakfast."

"That's enough," Simone said. He was still trying to act jaunty, but disappointment seemed to etch each word.

"I wonder what's wrong with him?" Tyler asked. "He seems disappointed about something."

"He is," Emily responded. "Rishard was expecting a tit show and he's not getting it. So far, at least on the Hogwarts team, Bancroft was the only one to have an accident. I know for a fact that he was hoping for Jamie to be out of her costume more than in it."

"I get it," Tyler said. "Jamie, Caitlin and Kim are wearing the charm too. That's how they are able to jump around without Overexposing themselves."

"Our next getting to know you exercise is called 'Reach Out and Hug Someone'," Simone announced.

Alex just looked at Amanda and shook his head. This wasn't his day.

One of the few times something that is meant to be funny where it actually works.

"For this exercise the groups will once again stand in circles. When your coach yells, 'go' you run across and hug someone. On each 'go' you switch partners and hug someone different until each person has hugged everybody in the group. Yes, I mean everybody," Mr. Simone emphasized as a number of hands had ventured into the air.

When Harry hollered 'go' for the first time, neither Dick Bancroft nor Nora initially moved. Nora was simply afraid to move whereas Bancroft found the whole idea of hugging extremely uncomfortable. Once everyone else had paired, with Harry's encouragement, Dick finally moved toward Nora and only just placed his arms around her.

On the first switch, Bancroft ended up with Caitlin. Caitlin hadn't seemed to mind hugging Jeff, but seemed exceedingly hesitant to put her arms around the Dick.

"I wouldn't want to hug that slime ball either," Emily said, commenting on Caitlin's lack of enthusiasm. Then she remembered that Dick was Tyler's brother. "Sorry! I'm sure he's okay once you get to know him."

Cut for more boring Emily/Tyler stuff.

As the pairings continued to change on the field, so did the arousal level of the Hogwarts male participants. Most of the boys had never experienced seeing a naked girl before the previous night, now they were in turn hugging three of them. Their swelling quickly subsided, however, when the boys began hugging each other.

So it seems none of them are gay.

Finally after the members of both teams had exchanged hugs with all their counterparts, Rishard called an end to the exercise. Although his voice still maintained a buoyant air, his face gave away his disappointment. He glanced one by one at the Hogwarts players, maintaining eye contact with the girls longer than the boys. Finally his eyes came to rest on Jamie Zacherley. The girls all looked extremely provocative, especially Jamie. The costumes left little to the imagination, but he had promised his colleagues that no imagination would be necessary. He had guaranteed accidental nudity. With the exception of Nora, the Hogwarts girls seemed to be running and jumping about without a care, yet there had been absolutely no Overexposure. Why weren't Zacherley's tits popping out?

"It looks like it is about to rain," Rishard said, glancing at the darkening skies. "This will be our last exercise of the day. Next Saturday we will concentrate on developing team trust."

Oh well.

Cut for more boring Emily/Tyler stuff.

"Harry! I'm so glad you're back!" Hermione cried, as he entered their quarters. "I was just about to send Hedwig to search you out."

Ah yeah, I totally forgot that Hedwig still is a thing here, given that this was written before the final book came and used another fanfics continuity while then using the canon that was revealed afterwards at the same time.

"What's the matter?" Harry asked, seeing grave concern etched on Hermione's face.

"I'm not sure," Hermione answered tensely. "Severus just stuck his head in the fire and asked that you and I come to his office immediately. Tonks and Kingsley Shacklebolt are on their way." Hermione bit her lips. "I don't think it's a social visit. Severus looked distraught."

Oh well.

It´s rather easy to guess what´s coming next, considering what the last chapter ended with.

End of Chapter 13

Finally.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 12: Follow the Money Trail

Finally, we have reached the chapter where the most infamous shit of the fic and the Saga as a whole begins.

And I love how in a fic thats called "Salazars return", Salazar Slytherins actual return isnt the thing the fic is most notorious for.

When we last left off, the American students from the Salem Witches Institute have arrived, and Emily seemingly had an accident.

"I'm okay, at least thus far," Emily exclaimed, "but don't worry about me. Look at the American team." "What about the American team?" Kim turned her attention to the advancing group. "Oh my god, they all look like they're parading about in their underwear," Kim exclaimed aghast. "Plus, their robes look more like capes. Are they all dressed to look like Superman and Wonder Woman for Halloween?"

Like other sporkers noted, the references to Superman and Wonder Woman aren´t as out of place as they first would seem, as Kim is Muggle-born and Emily was raised in the Muggle World. "Their attire is outlandish," Emily agreed, "but that's not what I'm referring to. Look at the boy in the last pairing; the one walking beside the nice-looking blonde."

Who could it be? Kim looked in the direction Emily had indicated and then froze. The boy and girl appeared to be very embarrassed by their garb, but at the same time were talking and pointing animatedly at the castle, obviously extremely impressed with Hogwarts. Kim immediately recognized the boy; they had become good friends on the cruise. "It's Brian," Kim said in a stunned voice, as the American group passed. "He's a wizard!"

I honestly can´t get over how she´s so surprised over something that´s been foreshadowed to the point it could be seen as a parody of foreshadowing.

"Only witches and wizards can turn into ghosts" - how would a in-Universe Muggle know that? Kim and Emily filed back up the steps with the other Hogwarts students and then, for Emily's sake, made a hurried pit stop in the nearest girls' bathroom before entering the Great Hall and sitting down for the Halloween Feast. The students from Salem had chosen seats at the Hufflepuff table. They all sat discomfitly looking around the Great Hall with overwhelmed expressions on their faces.

Be prepared for a cliché-storm incoming.

By the time the first Hogwarts Exposed fic was written, the whole trope of "American exchange students at Hogwarts had already become almost a parody of itself. The Great Hall, as usual, was decorated festively for Halloween. Pumpkins hanging in mid air illuminated the hall as thousands of live bats fluttered about. Occasionally the bats swooped over the tables in low black clouds.

Ah, the rare instance of actual descriptions of things. "Why is Filch adding three chairs to the staff table?" Kim wondered aloud.

Kim, why are you surprised by that? "Not sure," answered Emily. "One might be for that paunchy person that accompanied the American team. I can't imagine whom the other two are for."

This is the first time that person is actually mentioned.

And yes, I had to check the previous sections and the last part of the last chapter to make sure I didn´t miss anything.

Once the students had all settled down at the House tables, the staff entered and filled the top table. Kim's question concerning the extra chairs was soon answered. Snape entered follow by Percy Weasley, the American chaperone and ...a third person that appeared to be neither a man nor a woman.

Aaaaaaand this is where the person actually gets mentioned - it seems that Neil simply can´t write.

As if we didn´t get that the previous two fics.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and guests," said Snape. "I hope your stay with us will be most enjoyable. The contest will officially open at the end of tonight's feast. Now, please, eat, drink, and make yourselves comfortable"

"I wonder how far we're allowed to go in regards to making ourselves comfortable?" Emily asked with a laugh.

I´m surprised it took this long to get a nudism reference in this chapter.

"Not as far as you'd like," Kim said as the plates in front of them filled with food. The house elves in the kitchen had once again outdone themselves; there was a much larger than normal variety of dishes to select from.

Dishes we won´t get to know exactly.

"I can't get over the fact that Brian is a wizard," Kim exclaimed.

You already said that.

"I can't get over the getup that he and the others are wearing," Emily said. "That can't possibly be their school uniform. It must be a special costume for the events, but who would pick such awful outfits?"

"Maybe that person sitting to the left of Professor Snape," Kim suggested. "Is that a very feminine man or an extremely homely woman?"

And for the sake of funny, I´m gonna imagine that person to look like Divine.

Emily shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not sure which would be worse."

.....why would either be bad in the first place?

Yeah, it´s just Neils homophobia again.

As they ate, most of the students seemed to be nervous and constantly watching the staff table with anticipation.

"Is it just me or is this feast taking a great deal longer than usual?" Caitlin asked as she played with her food.

"I think everyone is eager for the selection of the team to take place," Jamie answered. "Look! Filch is bringing in the goblet. It shouldn't be much longer."

Come to think of it, I don´t think Filch is appearing again after this chapter.

"What qualities do you imagine the goblet will be looking for?" Caitlin asked. "I would imagine that seventh years would have a much better chance of being selected."

Way to tempt fate, Caitlin.

"Not necessarily," Jamie said. "A team needs members with varying talents and abilities."

Talents and abilities that never really will get shown, apart from showing that Jamie Sue is always right.

Finally the golden plates returned to their original spotless state and Snape stood up. Tension seemed to fill the hall. "The time has come to select the Hogwarts team, but before we do, a few introductions and some explanations are in order," said the Headmaster.

Does this sound like something Snape would say?

"Let me introduce our guests seated at the staff table: Mr. Percy Weasley, interim Minister of Magic" - there was polite applause - "Mr. Bud Ryan, coach for the American team" - again a polite response - "and Mr. Rishard Simone, Facilitator of Games from the International Committee of Magical Games and Sports."

"Does that answer your question?" Emily whispered to Kim. "It's a guy. A very short guy with a dyed blonde, curly Afro, fake bronze tan, tight short shorts and shaved legs."

Rishard Simone, as I learned several months after I first read the Sporkings, is seemingly a expy of Richard Simmons, for some really bizarre reason.

Despite this, I still keep imagining Rishard Simone to look like Divine for the sake of funny.

There was a louder applause for Mr. Simone than for the others, but there was also a spattering of inappropriate wolf whistles. Headmaster Snape gave the students a stern look, but it was not close to the severity with which Percy Weasley was looking at him. Obviously Percy had not appreciated being introduced as the temporary Minister of Magic.

I don´t really remember Percy appearing in the fic again after this chapter, actually.

"If that big guy is the American coach, who is the Hogwarts' coach?" Caitlin asked.

Jamie just shrugged her shoulders and put her finger to her mouth, indicating for Caitlin not to talk.

Department of redundancy department.

As per usual.

"The teams will be challenged by three tasks, spaced throughout the school year," Snape announced. "These tests will involve daring, deduction, magical prowess, danger, but most importantly they will test your ability to cooperate and function as a team.

"Now, then, before we select the team to represent Hogwarts, I would like to introduce the students from The Salem Witches' Institute representing the United States. When your name is announced, please come up to the top of the Hall and enter the chamber behind the staff table."

Btw, only two of the American students get named, the others are more or less just background characters with no purpose and personalities.

Headmaster Snape produced a sheet of paper from his pocket and started reading names. As he announced each person's name the student rose from his or her seat and proceeded toward the staff table and then the chamber. The Hogwarts students seemed to be paying little attention to the introductions; instead they were attentively staring at the American's in their revealing uniforms.

Are you beginning to notice a read thread?

"How can they breathe in those outfits?" Amanda remarked. "They almost look sprayed on."

"It would be better if they were," Jamie remarked. "At least then they could move freely about. They all seem extremely self-conscience and embraced. Embraced? How many betas were there again? That poor girl's uniform appears much too small for her," Jamie said, indicating a girl walking toward them.

"Oh my!" Amanda cried. "She has a severe camel toe."

FUCK YOU NEIL

"A what?" Caitlin whispered questioningly.

"When clothing is so tight in the crotch area that the shape of the vagina is unmistakable, it's sometimes referred to as a camel toe," Jamie enlightened her.

"What's it called for guys?" Caitlin asked, staring fixedly as a boy about her age neared them.

"Oh my god! That's Brian from the cruise. I wonder if Kim and Emily have seen him?"

What are the odds?

When Caitlin looked toward the Slytherin table, it was evident by their frantic waving and pointing that the girls had indeed noticed Brian.

After the two reserves for Salem who will never be named were announced and had entered the chamber, Snape surveyed the hall. "Now it is time for the goblet to make its decision. The first six names selected will be the team starters. The last two names will be the alternates.

Oh, this is gonna be fun. Or not.

"As your names are announced, please go through into the next chamber and wait with our American friends."

Again:

Does this remotely sound like something Snape would say?

Snape took out his wand I almost forgot this was a Harry Potter fanfic and that magic is supposed to be a thing here and gave a sweeping wave, plunging the room into a state of semidarkness. All the candles except those inside the carved pumpkins were extinguished.

How specific.

Everyone watched and waited breathlessly. The Goblet of Fire was now everyone's focal point, shining brightly with its sparkling bright, blue-white flames. Suddenly the flames inside the goblet turned red. Sparks began to fly and then a charred piece of parchment shot into the air. The entire room gasped as Snape caught the piece of parchment.

I think most of this is taken directly from the fourth book.

"The first team member for Hogwarts is from Gryffindor. Jamie Zacherley, please come forward," he announced.

Wow, what a huge surprise that the Main Sue is on the team!

"No shocker there!" So obvious that even the characters in-Universe acknowledge it. Shouted Amanda happily, as she embraced her best friend. Jamie rose from the table to a thunder of applause; ALL HAIL TO THE MARY SUE she walked hurriedly to the front of the hall, a pink glowing slasher smile on her face. Jamie walked along the staff table and then entered the door into the next chamber.

"I knew she'd make the team," Emily said proudly. "I'd love to be on it with her."

"I'm sure you'll make it," Kim said encouragingly.

I guess the fact that Emily won´t make it is supposed to be a big twist here.

As the clapping subsided, everyone again focused on the goblet, which once more turned red and shot out a second piece of parchment.

"The next member is from Hufflepuff," said Snape, "Jeffrey MacDowell."

Wow, a Hufflepuff. What a surprise.

At first Jeff remained seated as if not believing his ears. Then after prodding from his mates, he jumped to his feet and practically ran to the front of the hall.

Btw, I think it´s at this point that Neil forgot that there previously had been introduced another Jeff at the nudist cruise.

"Do you know him? What year is he in?" Caitlin inquired of Amanda.

"He's a fifth year," Amanda answered. "I don't know him that well, but he seems like an okay sort."

He´s never gonna appear again after this fic so he won´t get that much focus aside from being one of Jamies simps.

"Our third competitor is from Gryffindor, Caitlin Potter," Snape announced.

"Me!" Caitlin exclaimed. "I don't have an athletic bone in my body."

Wasnt it repeatedly stated earlier that athletics werent that relevant in the overall picture?

"Evidently the goblet thinks you can help out the team," Amanda said, beaming and giving Caitlin a quick hug.

Well, she actually does a big help in one of the tasks. A rather explosive help, if you ask me.

"Caitlin and Jamie are both on the team," Hermione said clutching Harry's hand tightly. "They're going to be thrilled when they find out that you're coaching the Hogwarts team."

"I'm worried about Emily," Harry said looking out over the hall. "With Jamie and Caitlin on the team, I'm afraid she'll be dreadfully disappointed if she doesn't make it."

Shut up, Harry Stu, the world does not revolve around that brat. Hermione nodded her head in agreement.

As usual. "Donald Thomas from Ravenclaw is next to join the team," Severus declared.

The most irrelevant character on the team, everyone. "I bet no one from Slytherin will even make the team," Kim declared. "Our house isn't exactly known for support and teamwork."

Way to tempt fate, Kim. "Didn't the Headmaster say that each house would be represented? Emily asked. Before Kim could respond, a tongue of flame shot into the air and another piece of parchment fluttered out. "From Slytherin House, Kim Thatcher," Snape declared.

Dun dunn dunnnnnn Emily hugged Kim as the Slytherin table burst into applause. "That goblet has got to be crazy," Kim said as she dizzily got to her feet and staggered toward the head table.

Yeah, I also don´t necessary get why Kim was selected, but apparently two Mary Sues on the team were not enough. The clapping hadn't yet died down when the sixth piece of parchment shot out of the goblet. "The final member of the Hogwarts starting team is..." Headmaster Snape paused, as if not believing his eyes. "From Slytherin House, Dick Bancroft?"

Okay, apart from what a jerkass move it is from Snape to show how surprised he is from that, I also can´t help but laugh at it because the image of Snape doing this with big eyes is rather hilarious. At first the hall was quiet. Even the Slytherins seemed shocked by the selection of Bancroft. Finally as Dick got smugly to his feet, the Slytherins burst into cheers. The other houses gave a short polite spattering of applause.

Dick Bancrofts reputation within Slytherin itself is so inconsistent, at one moment most of them hate him and his obsession with Jamie, yet at the same time they let him do initiation rites with pureblood supremacist rhethorics.

I guess it´s just a case of BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO "The next two names out of the goblet will be the team reserves," Snape announced. "Should, during any event, a starter be physically unable to compete one of the reserves will take their place." "The first reserve," Snape said, grabbing the bit of parchment from the air, "is Nora Jordan from Ravenclaw." Immediately another fragment shot into the air. "The second alternate is Lee Wilson from Hufflepuff."

At least these reserves get relevant in the plot, unlike the nameless Americans. "How does Emily look to you?" Hermione asked worriedly. "It's hard to say," Harry answered, trying to conceal his own concern. "It must to be terribly disappointing for her not to have made the team when her best friend and sisters all did."

I don´t care.

* * * * * *

Jamie quietly opened the door and stepped into a smaller room, lined with paintings of witches and wizards, many of who smiled happily and gave her encouraging gestures.

Remember, this is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfic!

On the opposite side of the room, the American team was grouped around a fireplace in which a handsome blaze was roaring. They were occupied in conversation and didn't seem to spot her enter the room. Jamie remained near the door transfixed. The firelight had the effect of making the costumes worn by the Americans seem almost translucent.

It seemed like only moments before Jeffrey MacDowell, bursting excitedly into the room, broke her trance.

"Everyone knew you'd be selected," he said breathlessly to Jamie, "but I never dreamed I'd make the team."

"Obviously, the goblet has more faith in you than you do in yourself," Oh, shut up Jamie! Jamie said, embracing Jeff in an sincere hug. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Maybe!" Jeff said. "Just so I don't have to wear a costume like theirs. Did you notice the bottom part is actually a thong?"

The red thread.

"It is!?" Jamie said shocked. She hadn't actually noticed due to the capes draping that area of the body. Jamie now tried to get a better look at the attire being worn by the American's without actually staring blatantly at any of the students.

The costumes were unisex and appeared to share the qualities of a muscle shirt and a thong in one extremely tight and body molding piece. It was a garment she would more expect to find on the French Rivera than in a wizard school competition.

Oh, the horrors!

Yet I wonder why even in the Wizarding World they would let mostly underaged teenagers wear this stuff at a school competition.

"I wonder how the girls manage to keep their breasts from popping out the sides of those tops," she said matter-of-factly.

Jeff blushed. "I was wondering the same thing," he said eagerly, his eyes coming to rest optimistically on Jamie's full chest.

Because Jeff is a pervert too.

Neil, most men don´t do this so blatantly like all the males in the Hogwarts Exposed Saga!

The door opened and Caitlin hesitantly walked into the chamber. Jamie rushed to the door and embraced her tightly. "This is great," she said enthusiastically. "We're going to be on the team together!"

When Jeff burst into the room, it had attracted Brian's attention. Since then, he had been staring fixedly at Jamie. He couldn't get over how much this girl looked like Kim's older friend from the cruise. What were the odds of that happening? When Caitlin entered the room, he broke from his team and hurried over to the forming Hogwarts group.

"You're Mary Sues! witches," he shouted excitedly. "Are Kim and Emily, too?"

"We all are!" Caitlin responded, embracing Brian. "Does this mean Jeff and Mark are?"

"No," Brian said, shaking his head. "I wish they were. They're good friends and I hate constantly lying to them."

As I said earlier, I think Neil forgot that he had already introduced one character named Jeff earlier when he created the Hufflepuff Jeff and only realised it at this point.

One Jeff Limit.

As they talked, Donald Thomas entered the room. Jeff clasped his hand firmly and Jamie and Caitlin both gave him a hug.

LOL he doesnt even get any speaking lines upon entering the room, like he´s just a cardboard cut out!

"I better get back to my group," Brian said, feeling incongruous. "It's great seeing you guys. Tell Kim and Emily I said, hi! After they're done with us here tonight, maybe we can make arrangements to get together."

Brian had just turned to return to the American contingent when Kim wandered through the door. She still seemed to be in shock over being selected, but when she saw Brian; her face broke into a huge grin.

Brian ran to her and literally lifted her off her feet, swinging her in a circle. Kim's face turned bright red as he finally returned her to the ground.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were a witch?" Brian asked.

"For the same reason you didn't say you were a wizard," Kim replied. "That does, however, explain how you knew that someone had to be magical to become a ghost."

So she did pick up on that, then.

At least someone is somewhat smart among the Sues.

"I did let that slip, didn't I?" Brian said guiltily. "It's marvelous seeing you again."

"Bancroft! What are you doing back here?" Jeff barked, as Dick Bancroft barged through the door. "Only team members are allowed in here."

"That's me people," Dick crowed smugly. "I'm the sixth member of the team."

As Brian ran off to rejoin his squad, the Hogwarts group all exchanged bewildered looks. Certainly there had been some sort of horrible mistake. No one less personified the term 'Team Spirit" than Dick Bancroft.

After Nora and Lee joined the group, they all waited nervously to receive further instructions. As Caitlin waited, her eyes kept returning to Bancroft. How could the Hogwarts team possibly win when it seemed an albatross had just been added to the group?

That´s gonna be the least of her worries though, as we will see shortly.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the door behind them opened and a small group of people came in: Professor Snape, followed closely by Minister Weasley, Mr. Simone, Coach Ryan and Professor Potter.

"I'm sorry that I didn't get to address you in The Great Hall," Minister Weasley said, staring daggers at Professor Snape. "I had a great deal of inspirational advice I wanted to impart to you and the students of Hogwarts. But since I was deprived of that opportunity, I will only say that I hope both teams will find this experience both satisfying and rewarding. It is not important which team ultimately wins the competition. What is significant is that you all learn the importance of cooperating and working together." Once again he gave Snape a chilly, trenchant stare. "Good luck to you all."

This wall of text somehow reads like the nonsensical talk of the Griffin council in My Inner Life.

Without a further word, he turned and departed the room.

"Well, that was certainly rude," Rishard huffed in a high voice. "He didn't even take my hand in parting."

"I apologize," Snape said. "I'm sure he thinks he has something more important to do. Now then before we get started, I'd like to introduce Professor Harry Potter to our guests. Professor Potter has agreed to coach the Hogwarts team."

With the exception of Dick Bancroft, the Hogwarts team all clapped appreciatively. Jamie, Caitlin and Kim jumped up and down and exchanged excited hugs.

Why would they hug now?

Mr. Simone, smiled broadly as his eyes stroked Harry. "Wonderful," he said, a pleasant flutter in his voice. "I was hoping I'd get the opportunity to know you better."

"Mr. Simone will be running combined training sessions for the teams and also acting as impartial judge and facilitator for the events," Professor Snape explained. "Mr. Simone, would you care to elucidate further?"

"Thank you, Severus," Rishard said in a come hither voice. "I must say that both schools have assembled lovely teams. I look forward to working closely with all of you."

"If he tries to work closely with me, he'll end up with a mouth full of knuckles," Dick Bancroft grunted softly.

"This is the fifth event such as this that I have conducted for the International Committee of Magical Games and Sports. I'm proud to say that all thus far have been fabulous successes and I'm positive this one will be no different."

Simone placed his hands on his hips. "The players from Salem might be deemed to have an advantage because they have competed against the other U.S. teams, but I assure you that these games will be quite different. They will require cooperation, teamwork and trust unlike any you have ever experienced. Remember, there is no 'I' in team. Individual abilities will not win an event. A challenge is not complete until every member of the team is across the finish line.

Aha.

"The next two weekends we will spend getting to know each other intimately In a fic like this, the word "intimately" can mean something way different and learning to fully trust our teammates. The actual tasks will be spread throughout the school year. You will not be given a date or time in advance. The task could be any day of the week between seven in the morning and seven at night. Unless there are questions, I believe that is all I have to say." Snape was on the verge of dismissing the students when Simone suddenly stopped him.

We´re finally getting to the actual main conflict of the fic: "Oh! My goodness! Silly me!" Rishard squealed. "I forgot the most important thing. I've noticed that the students from Hogwarts have been eyeing enviously the stunning team uniforms that the group from Salem is wearing. The International Committee of Magical Games and Sports had the magnificent House of Gayee "Gayee"? Seriously, Neil? in France create them just for these events." "Fear not! I have uniforms for you, also," Simone said in an excited giggly voice as he waved his hands about gaily. "The only difference is that yours are in green, red, yellow and blue. Oh! Yes! A new rule stipulation is that you must wear nothing more than the team uniform during participation hours commencing tomorrow and continuing until the presentation of the trophies in June. Don't worry about size. One size fits all." Caitlin looked down at herself and then glanced at Jamie. How could the same uniform possibly fit them both?

Oh, the suspense! "If that fruitcake thinks I'm wearing one of those, he's bonkers," Bancroft bellowed. "I quit. One of the alternates can have my starting spot." "Mr. Bancroft," said Headmaster Snape, putting his arm around Dick's shoulder. "For the first time in seven years, I believe you and I agree about something. Those uniforms are ludicrous and debasing. The designer should be tortured and the committee that approved their use by students cursed. Unfortunately, we must follow the rules, and they state clearly that those people whose names came out of the Goblet of Fire are bound to compete and follow all tournament requirements. You will be competing and you will be wearing that travesty of a uniform for the remainder of the year. I'm sure the rest of the school will be as distressed to see you in that get up as you will be to be seen in it. Learn to live with it."

Well, the one time he shows just some balls, it´s this here.

But yes.

Rishard Simone is in fact the Main Villain of this fic and the main conflict is angsting about the ridicculous outfits for the tournaments.

* * * * * *

"Will you girls please calm down," Hermione pleaded. "I saw the competition suits the Americans had on and I agree that they are awful, but I'm not sure what, if anything, we can do at this point. Why don't you go put them on so we can get an idea of just how dreadful they are?"

Jamie, Caitlin and Kim reluctantly grabbed their competition uniforms and headed for the bedroom.

"I don't see the problem," Emily said in an angry voice. "I'd give anything to be a part of that team. What's the big deal about their butt checks showing or the sides of their boobs? I thought we were all nudists? How can a camel toe embarrass you when you're willing to walk around with your twat fully exposed? I'd gladly partake nude if it meant being on the school team."

.....She does kind of have a point here.

"Emily, please use correct terminology," Hermione said, a tone of frustration in her voice. "Jamie and I have both tried to explain this to you countless times before, but evidently to no avail."

"That's because my sister is an exhibitionist," Jamie said, as she returned to the room.

As is Jamie sometimes too.

"Oh! My!" Hermione said as she gawked at Jamie. "That certainly leaves little to the imagination. Turn around and let me see it from all angles."

The uniform without a doubt reminded Hermione of a cut-off muscle shirt being attached by strings to a thong. The shirt part was colored stripes of green, blue and red, while the thong was yellow. The shirt only covered the chest ending just below the breasts. Actually in Jamie's case it barely covered the chest. Her nipples were only just covered by the edge of the fabric and the sides of her breasts were fairly visible. How lucky she killed Madam Hooch before she could see her in that outfit. In the back, two strings attached to the top at either side forming a V, the bottom point of which was just above her bum. At that point they became a single string that disappeared between her cheeks. From the back, Jamie looked like she was completely bottomless. Two strings also attached to the edge of the top at either side in the front. These strings met just above Jamie's vagina where they attached to a triangle of yellow cloth that scarcely covered that area before disappearing between her legs.

The outfit sounds like a stripper or go go dancer outfit.

Hermione shook her head in disbelief. If Jamie had pubic hair, it would all be visible. Thank you for reminding us of the Suethors preferences. She had seen the American uniforms, but not this close. She hadn't realized how revealing they really were.

"I can't believe that they expect you to practically live in these outfits for the next eight months. Going about normal activity would seem unfeasible, competing totally impossible. The boys' uniform is exactly the same?" she questioned. No way in hell could Harry, even in a flaccid state, ever conceal his package behind that little triangle; and what if he got aroused? The very thought was enough to increase her heartbeat.

"According to Brian, it's impossible to get through a contest without popping out several times." Kim added, as she and Caitlin entered the room. "He says that the girls' breasts are out more than they are covered. On one occasion, they were practicing making a human ladder and Debby's costume shifted to one side exposing her entire vagina. She was in the middle of the ladder and couldn't do anything about it for nearly ten minutes."

That really does sound painful.

Also, Debby is the only other American student besides Brian who is ever named.

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand the problem," Emily said in frustration. "They are just body parts. We just got off a cruise where hundreds of people saw us nude. Jamie, Caitlin and I wouldn't have a problem with walking to the library right now totally naked. So, why is it a predicament to have a camel toe or a tit pop out while wearing some stupid costume?"

"Jamie's right," Caitlin said tentatively. "I love you, Emily. Please don't hate me for saying this, but you're different from us. We're all nudists, but I think you are an exhibitionist. We love being nude because we feel free and comfortable that way. I don't do it to excite or titillate anyone." Caitlin bit her lip. "I think sometimes that you like people seeing you naked; that it gives you some kind of thrill."

Because that is exactly how Emily feels.

"Do you feel that way, too?" Emily asked, staring angrily at Kim.

"Sometimes you do go to extremes," Kim answered warily.

"So you all think I'm a tart," Emily cried. "In that case, why am I sitting here hiding my nudity? Why don't I just go display myself to the whole world?"

Shut up, Emily.

Emily jumped from the chair, angry tears running down her face, and ran toward the door before anyone could react. She threw open the door and ran naked out of the Potters' quarters.

"Oh! No! I bet she's headed for the library," Hermione screamed, running to the door.

Oh, the conflict!

Anyway, Hermie Sue runs out to confront Rishard Simone.

Hermione's knuckles had barely touched the door when a voice called out sweetly. "Do come in Professor Granger, I've been expecting you."

Hermione opened the door, but as she walked inside, the sight of a man doing sit-ups naked, momentarily took her aback.

She should be used to be seeing nudity daily, shouldnt she?

"I hope you don't mind, but I prefer to do my exercising in the nude," Rishard said in his high whiny voice.

I love that whenever any of the Potter household or Samantha practice nudism, it´s all good, but when someone like Rishard does it, it´s inherently eeeeevul.

"Not at all." Hermione answered indifferently as Rishard continued his sit-ups. "I favor exercising in the buff, myself. How did you know it was me on the other side of the door?" she asked.

"Reputation and your husband," Rishard answered demurely "He made it rather clear that you would most likely want to talk to me concerning the uniforms for the games. I'm surprised by your concern. I was under the impression that your entire family were nudists."

So he does know about their little naturist cult then.

"As I was trying to explain to my younger daughter, there is an immense difference between being a nudist and using your body to be sexually titillating."

"And you find the uniforms to be sexy?" he asked.

"I find the uniforms to be disgusting," she declared. "This is a school, not a strip club. There is absolute no way the participants can take part in any physical competition without exposing themselves.

"I certainly hope not," Rishard answered, a self-satisfied tone to his voice.

I feel like Rishard is Neils self conscious fighting over how he himself uses naturism as a way for his perversions, yet his other side fights against it.

Hermione just stared at him in disbelief. She found this man totally despicable.

Rishard finished exercising, but didn't bother putting his robes back on. Instead he stood leaning against the doorframe, one hand on his hip, studying Hermione. "I've been told that you are the smartest witch of our time. We´re constantly told it, yet never shown how she is that. It's disappointing that you haven't figured this all out on your own. Why do you think these games are being held?"

"To promote closer unity and understanding between witches and wizards of different countries," Hermione affirmed.

Rishard shook his head as he laughed. "Possibly that might have been one of the original intentions, but now if it occurs, it's just a pleasant by-product. The first games I had a part in were held in Australia against New Zealand. A great deal of money and effort went into preparing for them. It had been hoped that the sale of tickets, food and souvenirs would recoup those expenses. Sadly there was not a great deal of interest in the first two rounds and it looked like we would incur a financial disaster. Then halfway through the second event, there was a slight accident." Rishard smiled.

"A lovely young girl with extremely pleasant knobs fell out of a tree. Fortunately she was physically unharmed but seventy-five percent of her uniform remained attached to a tree branch. Instead of concealing herself behind the tree trunk and waiting for assistance, the young lady panicked and ran to get something with which to cover herself. She had to run approximately a quarter-mile, in full view of the spectators. In the process, she lost what was left of her uniform."

How convenient.

Mr. Simone smiled at Hermione. "For the final event, there was not a single empty seat in the stadium. We sold out of food, cameras, Omnioculars, practically everything. The overall competition didn't make any money, but we broke even. Unfortunately, however, there were no uniform malfunctions that day.

How inconvenient.

Hermione glared at Simone. "Are you telling me that these outfits were purposely designed so that the participants would be constantly exposing themselves? This is all about money?"

What do you think, Hermie Sue?

Rishard didn't answer; he simply gave her a toothy Gilderoy Lockhart smile.

How oddly specific.

"But these are children, certainly neither our Ministry nor the U.S. Magical Government can be supporting what almost amounts to child pornography," Hermione pleaded.

Hermione, you´re in Hogwarts Exposed.

Everyone is a pervert here.

"Wake up to the reality of the real world Professor," Simone advised. "Money speaks. These events now make a fortune and politicians from all the counties concerned want their share. Minister Wrong approached me. I didn't approach her."

This is one of the last times Emma Wrong is mentioned here.

And I think this is supposed to foreshadow something.

"But what about the children?" she pleaded. "Certainly their parents can't approve."

"The voices of a few troubled parents are easily drowned out by the cheers of the boisterous supporting crowds. Besides, these aren't children, they are adolescents; in some cases, such as Miss Zacherley, almost adults. They're not being molested or physically harmed in any way," Rishard claimed. "Why, one might say they are simply being exposed to how much enjoyment their nubile bodies can bring to others."

One might even say Overexposed, indeed!

"You are nothing but a filthy, sick pervert," Hermione screamed. "My girls will not be taking part in your sex show."

"Yes they will," Simone said, now sounding almost threateningly. "Have you forgotten that they've signed a magical contract?"

"Then, they'll wear robes over your hideous uniforms"

We then get to this exchange at the end:

Hermione stared at Simone. She didn't like to use the word hate, but it would be easy to learn to hate this man.

"Mister Simone, do you know what a hermaphrodite is?" she asked.

Rishard looked at her questioningly. "No, I'm afraid I don't"

"A hermaphrodite is a person born with both a vagina and a penis. Would you believe at this moment I wish I were one?"

Yeah, I also couldnt believe Neil actually wrote this.

He looked at her questioningly, trying to discern the abrupt change in the course of the conversation. "Why on earth would a woman as lovely as you want a penis?"

"So I could tell a deviate like you to suck my big hairy dick," she replied. Hermione turned and stormed out the door, slamming it behind her.

Yes, this happened.

Cut for a long conversation on how to go through the tournament without actually wearing the revealing uniforms.

So Hermione suggests they use the concealment charm that makes it look like they´re dressed, when they´re actually naked.

Hermione nodded her head. "That's the one obvious imperfection with my idea. You'll all need to be willing to have your teammates see you nude."

"Dick Bancroft?" Caitlin said, in a disgusted tone of voice.

Jamie looked as if she were about to be sick.

"Do we really have any choice?" Kim asked.

Emily then whines about how she wants to use the charm too, despite not being on the team.

"She's right," Kim agreed, hanging her head. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm using the charm." "Me, too!" Jamie and Caitlin said in unison. Harry just sat with a glazed look on his face, looking from girl to girl and then finally to Hermione. "I can't believe we're giving our blessing to this," he said in amazement.

Are you really that surprised, Harry? "Me either," Hermione agreed. "It's not the best option, it's our only option. I still feel like that perverted bastard, Simone, is winning, but I can't see anyway to get the girls out of wearing his distorted creations. It seems like all we can do is prevent matters from getting worse." Harry kept looking from girl to girl and shaking his head. He felt like he was letting them down. "I'll contact the Headmaster and get his okay for you to all spend the night here," Hermione said. "Harry and I will help you apply the charms in the morning. Between now and Saturday, you should have a team meeting, so everyone knows what to expect. Perhaps Nora or some of the boys will want to follow suit." Caitlin and Jamie exchanged glances. Somehow they couldn't picture any of the boys being eager to join them.

As if.

* * * * * *

"So that means that you'll be spending most of the next eight months nude," Alex said, trying to comprehend the total ramifications of this.

Alex sounds like he´s excited about that.

"Yeah, well except for my socks and trainers, of course" Jamie said. "Truth is, that with the exception of the Yule Ball, I don't see a reason that I'd be putting clothes on at all. I'll shower in the morning and then activate the charm. I'm required to look like I'm in that hideous costume till after dinner. It hardly seems worthwhile getting dressed at seven. I guess I'll just keep the charm on in the common room until I'm ready to go up to my dorm. Then I'll deactivate it."

Yeah Jamie, your life is really hard.

Jamie thought about this and then said. "Maybe, I will need to get dressed. I don't think I want to spend every night looking like a tart in that attire. It's bad enough I have to look that way twelve hours a day."

"Jamie, why not just ask our housemates if they'd mind if you removed the spell while in the common room at night?" You're going to actually be nude, why not just remove the pretence of having something on?" Alex asked.

I´m surprised she hasnt done that yet.

Jamie couldn't believe her ears. "You'd actually be okay with that? You wouldn't mind my being starkers in front of all the other guys?"

"My name isn't Matt," Alex declared. "I know what I have and I've no intentions of losing you by acting like some stupid jealous prat. You were a nudist long before we met and I'm assuming you desire to be one for the remainder of your life."

Alex is such a simp.

We then get through more long pointless dialogue of Jamie angsting about the outfits, and we end on that note:

"Just make sure that hand is on my leg and not between them," she said, trying to sound stern, but not succeeding. "If you cause me to have an orgasm in Flitwick's class and I start screaming, I'll never forgive you."

In this fic, anything is possible. "Speaking of orgasms, I didn't have time for dessert at dinner," Alex informed her. "Would you mind terribly if I had it now?" "That is something I'll never refuse you," she said as she laid back and spread her legs welcomingly.

Yeah, this was actually written down.

Afterwards they talk about whether Alex has told his parents that he is dating a naturist.

We still barely know anything about Alex in the first place.

After several chapters of filler and a whole chapter about stripper outfits, we return to what is supposed to be the plot:

"Nott, I understand you ran into a bit of a problem with the couple you visited last evening." "Yes, my Lord." Theodore Nott cried, prostrating himself at the feet of Salazar Slytherin. "I'm sorry my Lord, but they refused to enter your service. Please forgive me, my Lord. I tried my best to convince them that it was in their best interest, but they were vehement in their refusal."

This is giving me North Korean vibes. "On your feet, Nott," Slytherin commanded. "I do not punish faithful servants who do my bidding. You can only give wise counsel. You've offered them a life in my service, regrettably they have refused."

"Slytherins reign will be worse than Voldemort"

Slytherin crossed the room, giving the matter thought and then returned to Nott. "I'd like you to return to them again before the week is out and give them another chance to join my service. Do they have anything that might perhaps be used as a bargaining chip to influence them to reevaluate their original decision?" "Yes, my Lord. They have two children, both girls. The older attends Hogwarts, the six year old goes to the day school in Hogsmeade." "Hogwarts, dear Hogwarts," Slytherin said, as if reminiscing about bygone years. So you are saying he isnt reminiscing about bygone years? "I have many memories of the school, both good and bad. When you visit them, tell them how very disappointed I was at their decision. Also, inform them that if they do not join me immediately, their daughter will not live to ever ride the Hogwarts Express again." "Oh, and Nott, in order that they realize how sincere I am and how distressed I was that they didn't answer my first calling, I want you to take them a gift on my behalf." "Yes, my Lord," Nott said. "The gift my Lord, what is it to be?" "The severed head of the youngest girl."

DUN DUNN DUNNNNNNN

I can´t take this seriously, as this is only included in order to make Slytherin look waaaaaay worse than Voldemort, despite the fact that he just can´t be taken serious as some evil overlord. End of Chapter 12

Finally this chapter is over.

Oh, and this chapter had 6 writers, allegedly.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 8: The Milk of Life

So, this right here is one of the most feared chapters of the entire Hogwarts Exposed saga, if not the most disgusting one - already the title, "The Milk of Life", is very squicky, to put it mildly.

It´s been quite a while now since the last sporking, but I´m back for now, as I need to do something to kill the time on Tisha BeAv.

I hate this fic though.

When we last left off, the Sues were all whining and angsting about how they all certainy are going to die.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

"He hasn't kept anything down except water in the last seventy-two hours," Jamie pleaded. "If Ben doesn't get some real nourishment soon, he'll die."

You don´t say.

"If the infant dies, so will you all!" Hooch screamed heartlessly, as she twirled her moustache evilly.

"I can only guarantee that all your deaths will be extremely slow and painful, especially yours, YOUR NIPPLE IS MINE!!!" she said, staring at Jamie, before taking her leave and slamming the dungeon door behind her.

"What does she expect me to do?" Jamie cried in frustration to the room in general. "Ben will only drink breast milk. How the hell does she expect me to get that for him when I'm locked in a dungeon?" Jamie dug her fingernails into her own breasts, purposely causing them to hurt. Why do I have the feeling that Neil had the Main Sue do this only for his own twisted fantasies? "What good are these damn things if they can't do their intended job?"

"Why is that?" Emily asked.

"Why is what?" Jamie asked impatiently.

"Why don't women's breasts give milk at all times? I mean once you have reached the age when you can have children, of course. Cows give milk every day of the year and they aren't always pregnant or feeding a calf, are they?"

Why the hell is she asking this in such a situation?

Jamie stared at Emily, suddenly aware of how Hermione felt when asked a question to which she didn't know the answer.

The way this sentence was written gives me the feeling that it was only written so that we are reminded that this right here is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfiction.

"I can't answer that," she said. "Maybe that is one of the reasons why they are starting sex education classes this year at Hogwarts." Jamie shook her head in frustration. "I can't believe that I'm capable of transforming into another creature, yet I can't even explain properly how my own body functions."

My G-d is this dialogue dumb!

And speaking of which, why the fuck does Jamie Sue not use that power, for once?

And why isnt Caitlin simply using her speshul Sue powers to make Madam Hoochs head explode, given the fact that we are shown later that she can do it whenever she wants.

Out of the blue, Jamie was struck with an inspiration. "Caitlin, whilst working with Madam Pomfrey at the Hogsmeade clinic, didn't you say that you were once able to help a woman go back to breast feeding? A woman's whose milk supply had dried up?"

Caitlin had been scratching Timmy's back in order to calm him down. The toddler had fallen asleep, his head nestled in Caitlin's lap. She looked up at Jamie as if reading her mind.

This might as well be another Sue power.

"Jamie, that woman had given birth and was already breast feeding. What I did for her was akin to repairing a broken bone." Caitlin gritted her teeth. "I'm not sure if I can do what I think you're suggesting. I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"Will you try?" Jamie implored.

"But what if I do something wrong, something that damages your ability to give birth or even worse kills you?" Caitlin asked.

Because in the HE!verse, a woman not being able to have children is a fate worse than death.

I hate this fic.

"Then you'll deprive Damien and Hooch of the pleasure of butchering me," Jamie replied. "Caitlin, if there is even the slightest chance of this working, we have to try. Don't you see? If we don't, Ben is going to die."

Emily gulped. "If it works on Jamie, you better do the same to me."

FUCK YOU NEIL

"Why?" Jamie asked staring at her sister in amazement. "I'd certainly be capable of supplying enough milk for Ben's needs."

Anyway, so Caitlin tries her best to use her Sue powers to make this work, or something.

Cut for a scene of Hermione, Harry and Sam discussing the whereabouts of the girls and Timmy and how Hermie Sue won´t be able to sleep until she finds them, or something.

"Caitlin, what on earth are you doing?" Jamie cried anxiously. "They're getting bigger. The last thing I need is bigger boobs."

Good for the Suethor.

"Relax," Caitlin whispered softly. "That's a good sign. Growth and enlargement are a sign of the breasts evolving and preparing for the baby."

-_-

"They're not going to get as large as Hermione's, are they?" Jamie asked in concern.

"Quite possibly," Caitlin answered softly, as if in a semi trance, her hands continuing to move over Jamie's changing body. "Your body structure was nearly identical to Hermione's before she became pregnant. It wouldn't be surprising for it to react in the same way as hers did."

Jamie's body stiffened. "You're not actually making me pregnant, are you?" she asked in panic.

So much for being the top of every class....

Caitlin smiled, although her eyes remained closed and her mind focused. "I'm a healer. There are limits to my ability, as there should be. You are not pregnant, but I seem to have managed to convince your mammary glands that you are."

Is it just me, or is this yet another example of Caitlins Sue powers being pure nightmare fuel?

"Is that why my breast feel so tender and hypersensitive?" Jamie asked.

Caitlin nodded her head. Meanwhile, Emily couldn't take her eyes off Caitlin and Jamie. Emily continued to be in awe of her sister's great power. Again, why the isnt she using said Sue power to make the captors´ heads explode? She had watched mesmerized as before her eyes, Jamie's breasts had increased dramatically in size, her nipples and areolas darkening and becoming larger.

Sounds like she is preparing it for Madam Hooch.

Now, as Caitlin's hands gently touched Jamie's breasts, they began to leak a thick yellowish substance.

FUCK YOU NEIL

"We're almost there," Caitlin said, thrill evident in her voice. "You're starting to produce pre-milk. Madam Pomfrey taught me that normally happens in the second trimester. "Just a few minutes longer."

Jamie was both elated and… she couldn't quite describe her mixture of emotions. If this worked, as it seemed now that it might, she'd be able to hold Ben to her breast and actually feed him; he would live. This knowledge sent an emotional ripple of happiness through her body.

Probably also for the Suethor.

But as she looked around the dungeon, Jamie was brought back to the harsh reality of their dire situation. Was she actually saving Ben's life or guaranteeing the death of all four innocents? What hell would be released upon the world if, in fact, Salazar Slytherin actually were reincarnated?

She had to take one step at a time. The immediate concern was Ben. Her job was to do everything within her power to keep everyone alive until…

Cut. It works, and they are so amazed at it etc.

Madam Hooch stopped so suddenly as she entered the dungeon that she caused Crabbe to rear end her and Goyle to get caught in the chain reaction.

"What the hell happened to you!?" she yelled, staring unbelievingly at Jamie's breasts, immediately getting hungry for her nipples.

Jamie was about to explain what Caitlin had done and why, but before she had a chance, Hooch's eyes fell upon Emily. Her eyes practically jumped out of her head.

"My God, girl, what have they done to you? Can you actually stand without tipping forward?"

Good question!

Anyway, so what follows is a very long flashback in italics that gives more details of how Caitlin turned their boobs big - why this wasnt already told before Madam Hooch came in remains a mystery.

The section ends with this random authors note:

Author's note:

Picture, if you would, a very well endowed woman such as Hermione or Jamie. Now imagine their breasts increasing dramatically in size due to pregnancy. Place those breasts on the body of a slender twelve-year-old girl and you'll have an idea of how Emily currently looks. It's not a sexy or a pretty picture, but rather gross, almost deformed in appearance. The good news was that they were at least functional.

This is gross. But I´m repeating myself.

After Jamie finished explaining, Hooch uncharacteristically laughed, and twirled her moustache. "What do you think of the girls' new looks?" she asked Crabbe and Goyle.

Goyle, as normal couldn't take his eyes off of Jamie. The increased size of her breasts only seemed to intensify the Suethors his interest. Crabbe on the other hand was no longer torn between looking at Emily and Caitlin. His eyes now remained focused on Caitlin, totally ignoring the overly endowed Emily.

Crabbes specific interest for Caitlin has never been mentioned before.

"You seem to have lost Crabbe's attention, my dear," Hooch said nastily. "If you'd like those tits reduced in size, I'm sure Damien would be happy to strip some flesh from them."

"Have I mentioned how evil we are?"

"Only if he wishes his own toys turned upon him," responded a mysterious female voice.

Everyone looked in the direction of the voice, but Crabbe, Goyle and Hooch dropped to their knees.

Come to think of it, is it just me, or is this the first scene in this fic in which she actually has a scene?

Keep in mind that Emma Wrong is supposed to be the main villain, yet Neil never uses her or the somewhat interesting "Salazar Slytherin getting resurrected" plot for anything, instead focusing on all these stupid soap opera scenarios.

"Great One, when did you arrive, how long have you been listening?" Hooch asked, fear evident in her voice.

"Long enough," she declared as she stepped from the shadows, "to know that the loyalty these children share for each other is stronger than the allegiance my servants demonstrate for me."

"That is not true!" Hooch wept, flinging herself forward and trembling from head to foot as she collapsed at the Great One's feet.

"Crucio!"

Hooch writhed and shrieked until the Great One finally raised her wand.

LOL

I know this is supposed to show off how eeeevul Wrong is (pun not intended), but damn, this picture of Hooch being tortured by her is actually funny.

"Do not ever take it upon yourself to correct me," she roared.

"Isn't that Emma Wrong, the Minister of Magic?" Caitlin whispered.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

Jamie didn't answer, but merely nodded.

"I gave orders that the innocents should be protected; that no harm should befall them. Yet I now learn that two of them were on the verge of starvation." She looked long and angrily at her minions. "You three owe your lives to these girls. If my plans to awaken Salazar Slytherin had been thwarted because of your incompetence, you would have paid with you lives."

I just love the fact that she prepared all this for Salazars resurrection and actually got the right prophecy and the living plot devices called the Sues, yet she never actually bothered to check in on it after they were captured?

"Give them proper bedding and decent meals three times a day. I shall on occasion sample what you feed them and it best be to my liking," she howled. "If one of them ends up with so much as a scratch on them before the ceremony, there will be hell to pay."

Thus, the whole breast-feeding plot was entirely pointless.

"What about the older Zacherley girl?" Goyle asked.

"Thus far she has been more devoted to my wants than have any of you," Wrong declared disgustedly." She will continue to watch over the children, unharmed, until the proper time. Once Salazar has arisen, I will decide her final fate.

Hooch, Goyle and Crabbe all seemed disheartened, but remained silent.

"Come," she ordered. "We must meet with Damien and make sure that everything is in place. The third of September will be here soon."

The girls stood silently until the door closed, and then all three tried to speak at once.

If I remember correctly, they never really seemed that surprised by that the MINISTER OF MAGIC is the one who had been terrorizing both the Wizard and Muggle Worlds (despite it never really being shown) - if I got that to know, I wouldnt just "nodd".

* * * * * *

More Hermione angsting. She passes out, and wakes up in the hospital - she then says she can´t lose the family that she got.

I don´t care.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Jamie listened as the hour chimed faintly on a distant unknown clock. "The Sorting Ceremony will be starting shortly, followed by the start-of-term banquet," she announced forlornly. "I've always loved the Sorting Ceremony, except when it was mine."

"Oh, how can I now collect more groupies to gush at my Sueness?"

"Were you scared, too?" Caitlin asked. "You've always seemed so brave and courageous."

"I put on a plucky front," Jamie said with a laugh. I think Neil is trying to portray this as some kind of flaw, so he can say "see? she isnt a Mary Sue!" "Besides, remember I was only eleven. I doubt any first year isn't petrified. I was shy, didn't know a soul. Just walking into the Great Hall is overwhelming; then add to that the ghosts, everyone staring at you and the creepy Sorting Hat."

"I found that the scariest," Emily declared. "I hated sitting on that stool with everyone gawking while that Hat made up its mind. There are times I still can't believe I talked it into putting me in Slytherin; I could have been with you guys in Gryffindor."

YOU CHOSE THIS YOURSELF YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT

"That would have been nice," Jamie said, putting her arm around Emily's shoulder, "but you did the right thing. Kim needed you. Besides, look at the great friends you two have become. I have a feeling Kim and you are going to bring big changes to Slytherin house."

Janice and Denise are such a joke of bullies - we are never really shown how eeeevul they are to her, so why would Kim commit suicide because of them?

"Maybe Kim," Emily said sadly; she glanced to check that Timmy was still sleeping. "Jamie, it's time we stopped kidding ourselves. We are just three days away from the new moon. Mum and Dad aren't going to find us in time. We're all going to die and never see them, our friends or Hogwarts again."

The suspense is killing me......

"You can't give up hope," Jamie implored. "I know they are searching for us. They won't stop looking until they find us. You can't give up hoping."

"Besides," Caitlin added lightheartedly, "You have to get back so you can show Tyler your new boobs."

I hate this fic.

"Will you stop it?" Emily shouted angrily. "I've told you a million times that Tyler and I are history." She looked disgustedly down at her breasts. "Even if we weren't, one look at these monstrosities and we would be."

Emily shook her head in disgust. "The most depressing thing is that it was all for nothing. Once Emma Wrong got on Hooch's case, the food changed dramatically and Timmy started eating. I'm deformed for no reason at all."

The fact that Emily lampshades it doesnt make it less pointless.

"You're not deformed," Jamie insisted. "Once we get home, I'm sure that between Caitlin, Mum and Madame Pomfrey, they'll be able to restore you."

Spoiler alert; they won´t.

"If we get home," Emily said in frustration. "Meanwhile, I have two oversized basketballs as breasts and my back hurts all the time."

-___-

* * * * * *

Amanda looked disconsolately around the Great Hall. The excitement normally associated with the start-of-term banquet was absent. Most certainly, the Sorting of new students had taken place as it did at the start of every school year, but the cheers erupting from the house tables had been more sedate than in years past.

All because of the Sues.

Why Jamie, Caitlin and Emily were missing was supposed to be a complete secret, so, naturally the whole school knew about it. Such a cliché. They similarly knew about the prophecy, therefore no one questioned the absence of Professors Potter or Granger from the head table. Amanda felt quite alone and lonely despite being in a crowd. Her two best friends for the last six years were missing; Alex was with the Potters searching, but it was doubtful that she would ever see Jamie again.

THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME GUYS.

Amanda looked around the Hall at the appalled students. They were staring soundlessly at Snape. Many had been expecting Snape to say something about the kidnappings, but this announcement came totally unexpected.

The announcement of the thing that will be the main plot thread for most of the fic:

"Life continues," he went on, but it was obvious he was having difficulty maintaining his own composure. "For a number of years we have been planning a special event that will be starting in October. Since this event will continue throughout the school year, and take up much of the teachers' time and energy, having a Quidditch Cup concurrently would be impractical. I am, however, sure you will all enjoy it immensely."

Severus coughed. "I would find much greater joy in announcing this special event if it were not for the grievous situation we are currently faced with. I'm sure that by this time you have all listened to the rumors concerning our missing students. It is my sad duty to confirm much of what you have in all probability already heard.

I´ve said it once, I´ll say it again:

Snape was way more in character in "My Immortal" than here.

Which says a lot.

"Jamie Zacherley, Emily Zacherley-Potter and Caitlin Potter along with Benjamin Potter and Timothy Weasley were all kidnapped upon return from their summer holiday. They are believed to be presently in the hands of the person calling herself the Great One."

The Hall remained silent, the students hanging on Snape's every word.

"We believe that unless a rescue attempt currently underway is successful, they will be sacrificed in an attempt to fulfill a prophecy evolving the resurrection of Salazar Slytherin."

I love how he simply says it all - I doubt that Dumbledore, who didnt like keeping his students in the dark, would be so open about it.

Amanda noticed that even the Slytherins, with a few exceptions, seemed appalled at this notion.

Like other sporkers have said, Neils portrayal of Neo Slytherin is extremey inconsistent.

"I'm sure that we will all pray for their safe return," Severus added. "Initially I considered canceling the upcoming event, but decided to the contrary. With or without them, I'm sure Jamie, Caitlin and Emily would want to see ties established between young wizards of different nationalities.

I´m sure Neil did not want it to sound so blunt.

"As I was saying, we are to have the honor of hosting a very exciting event over the coming months. The first of what I hope will be many such events that will strengthen our binds with our American cousins. It is my very great pleasure to inform you that the very first International Wizard Survival Tournament will be taking place at Hogwarts this year."

Hmm, I wonder if the fact that there were american characters introduced earlier in the fic might have something to do with that?

This announcement would, under normal circumstances, have been greeted with enthusiastic cheers, but due to the Headmaster's previous illumination concerning the kidnappings, it was only met with only polite applause.

This is unintentionally funny.

"This will be our first competition with the United States since the colonies declared their independence. All the details as far as participating have not as of yet been ironed out, but will be forthcoming in the next few weeks. And now, it is late, and I know you all want to be alert and rested for your first day of classes. So, off to bed."

Amanda remained seated as with a great banging and scraping of chairs the students got to their feet and hurried toward the double doors and into the entrance hall.

"He's right," Amanda thought to herself. "Life goes on. We are all but players in the game of life. No matter who dies; no matter how much they mean to us, the game goes on."

This is supposed to be very deep apparently.

She closed her eyes in an effort to suppress her tears.

Amanda jumped as a hand pressed against her back. "They'll make it," Tony said. "We can't give up hope."

You know, I´ve been constantly referring to how Tony simply disappears, right?

This right here is the only scene he has in the fic - and he is never referred to again, and it is also never noted that they ever broke off, when Amanda falls for Roger.

* * * * * *

Cut for another "we have to find them scene!" lead by Harry.

We then come to the event that we´ve been told would happen for a long time now - and I´m leaving much of it unsporked:

For the first time since their incarceration, the captives had been immobilized. Crabbe and Goyle had entered the dungeon late in the afternoon and one by one chained them, spread eagle to the wall by both their wrists and ankles. Caitlin, Timmy and Emily actually hung by their wrists, their feet, especially Timmy's, not even nearly touching the floor.

That´s another example of unintentionally funny.

Jamie, because she held baby Benjamin, had only been secured to the wall by leather cuffs around her ankles that were connected by chains to the wall. She found it extremely difficult to stand because of the distance apart that her ankles were secured. Two weeks had passed since their kidnapping and now the rising of the new moon was only a few hours away. They weren't going to be rescued; they were all going to die. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLLIIING MEEEEEEEE Jamie watched helplessly as little Timmy bawled hysterically. Caitlin and Emily, who were chained on either side of the toddler, tried to calm him, but their words had little effect on the terrified child.

It was hours before anyone returned to the dungeon, and when they did, Crabbe and Goyle were pushing a huge stone cauldron. It was larger than any cauldron Jamie had ever seen; the belly was large enough to hold two adults, or four children. Jaime shivered at the thought.

And no, it´s never actually said whether this was the same cauldron that resurrected Voldemort.

Crabbe and Goyle had to struggle with the cauldron and even cock it to one side in order to finally get it through the door. Once finally inside, they ignored their captives as they first filled the cauldron with water and then with their wands conjured a crackling fire beneath it.

The liquid in the cauldron heated extremely fast. The surface was not only bubbling, but also sending out sparks as though it, too, were on fire.

This sounds redundant.

"There was definitely something already in that cauldron before they added the water," Caitlin suggested. Jamie agreed.

DUH

As they all watched, mesmerized by the surface of the water, alight with sparks, the door opened. The Great One entered accompanied by Damien and Hooch, they each carried an open container.

"The time has come," The Great One said, first looking at the bubbling liquid and then at the helpless innocents.

Emma Wrong walked over to the cauldron and dumped the contents of her urn into it, the water hissed and turned a vivid yellow.

We never actually get to know what was in them.

Hooch followed and emptied her container causing the liquid to turn a dark poisonous-looking blue.

Damien hesitated as if unsure he wanted to empty the contents of his vial, but when he looked toward The Great One for direction, she returned an impatient glare. He quickly emptied the vial's contents into the cauldron. It no sooner touched the boiling liquid than the potion turned a burning red; the light it gave off filled the dungeon as if sunlight was suddenly streaming in through a hundred windows.

This behaviour of Damien is something that only comes up starting with this scene - this is completely out of character and we never get to know why he suddenly acts this way.

"It is ready for the blood of the innocents," Emma Wrong shouted madly.

"The blood of the heir first," she commanded.

Damien walked slowly toward Timmy, a shining silver dagger in his hand. Timmy struggled hopelessly at his binds, crying even harder than before. Jamie closed her eyes as the point of the knife penetrated Timmy's arm and blood seeped from the cut. Timmy wailed uncontrollably as Damien collected a vial of his blood and returned to the cauldron.

Damien had barely turned his back, when the cut on Timmy arm miraculously healed. Jamie's eyes went from Timmy to Caitlin who was deep in meditation, a trickle of blood on her own arm.

Again:

If she can do this, why isnt she using her powers to attack their captors?

"Blood of the heir, given to return his greatest ancestor."

Damien walked over to the cauldron and carefully added only two drops of Timmy's blood.

"The enemy," Wrong bellowed, seeming to be on the verge of losing control.

This is funny.

Hooch handed Damien a new vial and his cleaned dagger. Jamie clutched Ben to her chest and tried to shield him by turning as best as possible toward the wall.

"His arm is small, the dagger extremely sharp," Damien said, almost sympathetically, as he neared Jamie. "I need but two drops. Struggling will only serve to enlarge the injury."

Again, why is he acting this way?

Reluctantly, Jamie turned toward Damien, thus exposing the helpless sleeping infant. Damien pressed the blade gently against the crook of Ben's arm until blood began to trickle. He collected what he needed and went to turn.

"Thank you for being gentle," Jamie murmured, tears filling her eyes.

What happened to Jamies Sue power of being able to tell peoples intentions?

Damien didn't speak, but gave Jamie a weak nod of his head, then returned to the cauldron to add two drops of Ben's blood. Ben turned restlessly in his sleep as Caitlin healed his arm.

"Blood of the foe…forcibly taken."

"Sight and health," Wrong squealed. "Health first."

Caitlin gritted her teeth, knowing that no one was going to share her pain or heal her wound. So she can´t heal her own wounds? But Caitlin was surprised. Damien was being uncharacteristically gentle. She had expected him to sadistically slash her arm, but instead he had only pricked it enough to cause bleeding.

"The blood of the Healer for Health and Strength."

Emily cringed. Her blood was the final ingredient. Would Emma Wrong actually succeed in resurrecting Salazar Slytherin?

"You have the makings of an admirable foe," Damien said as he approached Emily. "It's a pity that you must die so young." Without further word he slashed her arm. Because of the speed with which it was done, Emily thought the wound would be deep, but it was only superficial.

"The blood of the Seer to light the path."

As Damien added Emily's blood, the Great One mumbled an incantation “Ego narrow meus historia. Concedo me opus causa futurus et ceteri posterum tempus.” and then stepped away from the cauldron. At first, it seemed like nothing was going to happen. The cauldron just seemed to be simmering, continuing to send off blinding sparks.

Then, without warning, the sparks were extinguished. The cauldron stopped bubbling; steam billowed thickly from it, filling the room and obscuring the view. No one was moving; even Timmy was quiet. It seemed like everyone was holding his or her breath waiting, just waiting. Then…

"WHO DARES TO AWAKEN ME FROM THE SLEEP OF DEATH!?"

Yeah, guess who´s back?

Finally, this chapter is over.

Next chapter we will finally see the highlight of the entire Hogwarts Exposed Saga.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 5: Crime and Punishment

I once again hope to finish this chapter in one shot. 

And did you notice one thing? We are already five chapters into the third fic of the Saga, after the oh so grand reveal to our heroes in the final chapter of Too Exposed what the grand plot is. And five chapters in here, and we see NOTHING OF THE PLOT. 

When we last left, Caitlin, Emily and Kim and their american friends went on a nudist hike in the jungle, despite nudism being banned on the island. And just as they came to the edge of the jungle, they just happened to be arrested. 

"Sir, we're sorry," Brian beseeched. "Our clothes are in this backpack. No one saw us. Can't you please just let us get dressed and forget that this ever happened?"

Do you really think this would work? "Keep your hands out of that bag and carefully pass it to me," the officer ordered. "You Americans are all the same; you think we're savages and that you're above ours laws. I'll be making an example of you six."

What are the odds of just happening to get into the hands of a perverted cop? Well, this is Hogwarts Exposed, after all..... "But officer..."Caitlin began to implore. "Silence!" he bellowed. "I'm not interested in hearing any excuses or pleading. Save your whining for the judge. My truck is just at the end of this path, on the beach; head for it now and don't even think about trying to make a break." "But don't you want us to dress before leaving the forest?" Kim inquired. "I want you all to keep you mouths shut and do as you're told!" he answered irately.

Oh well.  Heads turned in shock as the six naked teenagers exited the forest and walked in a line toward the flatbed truck.

Come to think of it, isnt the cop here the one basically making a show here by forcing six naked teenagers to be seen in public? "What type of cop drives a flatbed truck?" Jeff asked his companions a little too loudly.

What an intelligent question to ask in such a situation.  "One that will have no problem shutting your smart ass mouth for you if you open it again," the officer threatened.

"Climb up onto the bed of the truck," he ordered, once they arrived at it. The boys assisted the girls up and then jumped aboard themselves. The bed of the truck had a pipe railing around its edge with three-foot tall supports located about every five feet.

One of the very few moments we actually get a description of something!  As the officer opened the passenger side of the truck and leaned in to retrieve something, Caitlin whispered to the others. "What's up with this guy? He arrested us for being nude, but now he's forbidding us to get dressed. No one saw us while we were in the forest, but now we've gathering a healthy size audience."

Well, it´s an excuse for another pointless scene where everything is fixated on the nakedness. Also, this is also a scene that serves the fantasies of the Suethor.  Before anyone could offer a possible explanation, the officer returned carrying an armful of handcuffs. He threw the cuffs on the bed of the truck and then climbed up himself. "You!" he yelled, motioning to Jeff. "Come here!" He grabbed Jeff's left wrist and slapped a cuff on it, quickly attaching the other side to the pole nearest the truck cab. He then picked up another pair of cuffs, attached one cuff to Jeff's right hand and ran the short chain around the next support pole before attaching the other half to Caitlin's left wrist. He continued this pattern until all six teenagers were standing cuffed to the railing facing the ever-increasing group of bystanders. Because apparently everyone wants to stare at naked teenagers. Then he just walked off, leaving them helplessly secured to the rail. For the briefest of moments, Kim's attention was drawn away from her bloated bladder -____- as she listened in embarrassment to two teenaged boys standing next to the truck. "I've never seen a naked girl before, have you?" The one boy asked animatedly, staring up at Kim in awe.

Have these boys never heard of the internet? "No," said his friend. "This is cool! Hey! How about giving us a better look?"

As I said, everyone is a perv here. 

I also think this is Neils way of showing how eeeeevul a society is that bans nudism.  Kim couldn't ignore them, but neither did she answer. She closed her eyes trying to pretend this was simply a terrible dream, but even so, she was powerless to hold back her tears. Brian, who was handcuffed to Kim's left side, shouted angrily, "Leave her alone!"

How powerful.  "Make me!" shouted the first boy. Then he glanced to his friend. "While he's gone, I'm going to finger her."

FUCK YOU NEIL  Kim recoiled, revolted at the thought, and at the same time realizing also that any incursion in that area would make it impossible for her to hold off peeing.

I hate this fic.  "No!" shouted Emily, who was shackled to Kim's other side. "Don't waste your time on her. I'll let you really have fun."

Oh how heroic of her, by acting so naturally like a girl her age should. Not. 

Also, my G-d is this creepy!  "What do you mean by that?" the boy asked, his interest piqued. "If you give me your word not to lay a hand on her," Emily said, "I'll spread my legs and crouch as low as I possibly can, and I'll let you touch me."

"Emily, you can't," Kim protested. "Yes I can," Emily persisted. "I got you into this. Besides, you know I can handle these circumstances better than you can. To me they're just body parts."

SHUT UP, EMILY, SHUT UP! 

I also hate how “this is not sexual” is constantly brought up in so rapey situations like these. The fact that they all are underage makes this worse.  "Cool!" the boy said eagerly. Fortunately, just as Emily started to squat down, the officer returned. The two boys and everyone else stepped back a few steps from the truck as he gave the horde an appalled look. "You people are just as bad as these brazen deviates! Go on about your business!"

Then why the hell did he want to “make an example”? Slowly, reluctantly the crowd began to disperse. "Your parents must be extremely proud of you," he said sarcastically, returning his attention to his young captives. "High on drugs, running around completely exposed, and having sex in public." "We don't do drugs, and we certainly weren't having sex," Caitlin protested. He turned in the direction of Caitlin, looking as if he were about to slap her surly face, but rejected giving into the desire. "I thought I said no talking! Now I suppose you're going to tell me you're not naked either?" he yelled. "Since you all seem to enjoy exposing yourselves, I believe I'll take the long way back to the station, through town."

“See how evil he is? He thinks they were having sex just because they are naked!”  Obviously, he expected a strong negative reaction to this comment, but everyone seemed to take it in stride with the exception of Kim. "Please Sir!" she begged. "I have to pee something awful. May I please relieve myself before we start the trip?" "You may not," he retorted maliciously. "I suggest that you hold it or you'll be facing additional charges." With that said, he returned to the cab of the truck and started the engine.

This doesnt make any sense!  As the truck bounced insensitively overland toward the main road, Emily gave Kim an anxious look. "How bad is it," she asked concernedly. "Bad," Kim answered. "I'm afraid I'm going to burst any minute and this incessant bouncing about isn't helping matters any." "Why don't you just let it out?" Emily suggested. "Squat down and relieve yourself before we reach the main road." "I can't," Kim responded in dismay. "Not here, not secured like this between you and Brian. I have no way on controlling where it goes; we could all wind up with pee on us."

I didnt need this image -_-  Emily, felt sorry for her best friend who was clearly suffering, but recognized that she was in no position to offer any real assistance. Hopefully, Kim would be better able to hack it once they were on a smooth roadway.

Come to think of it, why doesnt Caitlin just use her speshul hyperempath sue powers on the cop?

* * * * *

That was fun," Hermione remarked, as she and Harry returned to their stateroom. "The tropical forest was so beautiful."

So beautiful it didnt need a description.  "I liked that we finally all got to do something together," Harry added. "I've felt bad that Ron was always missing out on everything." "Ron seemed to appreciate that St. Kitts didn't allow nudity," Hermione agreed. "He must feel awfully out of place all the time. I've given up on the prospect that he'll ever feel comfortable enough to take his clothes off around us."

Cut for boring. 

Their conversation came to an abrupt halt when there was a loud knock at the door. "The captain needs to have a word with you right now," the messenger barked none too politely, when Harry unlock the door.

DUNN DUNN DUNNNNN

* * * * *

"What is with that cop? Is he mental?" Kim moaned, as she and the others waited unattended in a receiving cell, watching the hands of the clock move closer and closer to the scheduled departure time of their ship.

I think this is supposed to give tension. Or something.  They had broken the law; they all recognized that, but they couldn't fathom the manner in which they were now being treated. In the eyes of the law, they were guilty of indecent exposure for having hiked nude, but thus far their punishment seemed to be a prolongation of their crime, only to a much more serious degree.

This whole subplot is so stupid.  Now, still naked, they had spent the last hour in a dank jail cell - a completely bare cell without even a simple bench to sit on and certainly not equipped with a comfort facility.

Finally their evul cruel clothed tormentor returned, a perturbed expression on his face, carrying Emily's rucksack. He gave them a disgusted look as he forcefully shoved the pack through the bars. "Put your clothes on and be swift about it!" he shouted maliciously. "Your parents are here to pick you up." From the sound of his voice, it was lucid that he was not at all pleased with the judgment to let them go free. Probably because the judge found it ridicculous to force six naked teenagers to be overexposed (see what I did there?) in public. No one spoke, but instead they all rushed to dress before psycho-cop I did not change anything, Neil really wrote psycho-cop here. Yeah.  changed his mind. As soon as they were all clothed, he unlocked the cell and pointed reluctantly to a door. Without pause, they all rushed to it, Kim in agony in pink with each step. "Hurry!" shouted Brian's father to them all. "We have transportation waiting. They said they'd hold the ship for us, but I don't know how long."

THE TENSION IS KILLING ME  Hermione grabbed Emily and Caitlin's hands and hurried them out the door behind Jeff and his brother. Kim stood paralyzed, as if afraid to move.

Oh no, it´s coming.... "We have to dash," Harry said, running to Kim and scooping her up into his arms as if she were a doll. "Don't be afraid," Harry said as he hurried out the door. "Everything is okay now. Hermione and I aren't angry with you. We know this wasn't your idea." Before she had a chance to try and squirm free or even speak, she lost control of her bladder.

I HATE THIS FIC. 

It doesnt help how blatantly this was foreshadowed last chapter when Kim drank BEVERAGES, and how much Neil wanted us to remember this.  At first Harry had absolutely no idea what had happened. It was as if someone had opened a spigot and he was being flooded with warm water. Then Kim burst into tears.

As usual. 

I´ll let the following unsporked: "Oh my god!" she cried. "I'm so sorry professor. I've had to go for hours and he wouldn't let me use... I can't believe... Oh, I could just die..." "Calm down," Harry said, as usual maintaining his equanimity. "I'm just glad to know that it wasn't just me that caused such a reaction." In spite of everything, Kim couldn't help but laugh through her tears. "Ben did the same thing to me yesterday," Harry said with a laugh. "Just hold on to me tight until it's all out." Harry turned his back to the balance of the group that were now getting into cabs, as the torrent of warm liquid continued to stream out of Kim. "Harry, what are you and Kim doing?" Hermione shouted. "We have to hurry." "Just give us a moment," Harry begged. "We have some unfinished business." Finally, when the flow eventually subsided, Harry allowed Kim to slip to the ground. He waved his hands over Kim as he spoke an enchantment and then did the same to himself. Kim watched her professor in awe. She knew he was a great wizard but did not realize he was proficient in wandless magic.

This is the first we ever see him do it - if I remember correctly - and he is doing it in a scene like THIS. 

"That should do it," Harry said, grabbing Kim hand and running toward the cab. "We better hurry before they leave without us." Harry jumped into the front seat next to the driver and Kim slid into the back with Brian and his father. As Kim settled herself next to Brian, he sniffed the air and then turned to her. "How in the world can you spend the day hiking in a tropical forest, then going through what we just went through and still smell as fresh and clean as if you just stepped out of a shower?" Brian asked.

Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh fooorreeeeshaaadooowing  "I don't know," Kim said, as she shrugged her shoulders and smiled at Harry who had turned around in his seat and was now grinning at her.

I´m pretty sure this won´t be relevant later, trust me! 

* * * * *

"Don't you guys have any common sense?!" Jamie asked Emily, Caitlin and Kim once they returned to their rooms. Harry and Hermione had been asked, along with the parents of the other youths involved, to join the captain. "This isn't Britain. These people could have chucked you in jail and thrown away the key. What would you have had Harry and Hermione do then - magic you out?"

Well, they are witches, so probably yes - especially considering how powerful Caitlin is, despite how often this gets forgotten.  "I never thought we'd be arrested," Emily said. "That's the problem with you! YOU! NEVER! THINK! Sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit that you're my sister," Jamie said, frustration evident in her voice.

This is one of the very few times where Jamie Sue actually speaks common sense.  "Emily wasn't the only one," Caitlin said defensively. "We all did it." "Then you should all be very proud of yourselves!" she roared. "Because of you, the departure of the ship was delayed for over an hour and, once again, Harry finds himself groveling at the feet of that effing captain."

Why don´t they just use magic? "It wasn't our fault the owls chose now to deliver the letters from Hogwarts," Emily argued. "No that wasn't," Jamie admitted, "but what happened today was most certainly within your power to prevent. Laws are laws and they must be obeyed whether we like them or not. I detest clothes as greatly as you, but there are times when we have no choice but to wear them." "But that isn't fair," Emily protested. " LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR, AND THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!" Jamie retorted. "The sooner you find that out, the better off we'll all be."

Emily sulked as she tried to think of a way to change the subject. "So what did you and Felicite do today while we were getting ourselves arrested?" she asked.

Waaaay to change the subject.  "We spent most of the day at the hospital with her sister, Monica," Jamie answered still rather hotly, but she was beginning to cool down.. "Why? What happened to her?" Kim, who had been sitting quietly, asked. "She has a broken ankle," Jamie answered in disappointment. "But she was going to dance in the ship's talent competition," Caitlin shrieked. "How did she go about breaking her ankle?" "She didn't," Jamie replied, anger evident in her voice. "She was laying on the beach and had actually just dozed off, when a girl playing Frisbee stepped on her ankle and then ran off." "Hold on," Emily cried, as tears of blood ran down her pale face. "Haven't I heard this story before?" "Yeah." Caitlin agreed. "That's how Roz's friends tried to knock Felicite out of the competition last year. That's just too much of a coincidence." "Felicite and I agree," Jamie said, "especially considering that the girl doing the stepping seems to roughly fit Roz's description."

Of course.  "What are Monica parents going to do about it? Roz can't be allowed to get away with this!" Emily declared. "Unfortunately there were no witnesses, and Monica never got a good look at the girl's face," Jamie said disgustedly. "She was in dreadful pain." "It had to have been Roz," Caitlin said shaking her head. "She's eliminating the strongest competition so that her niece has a better chance of winning. If only I had been there, perhaps I could have healed it."

What a lazy way to prevent Caitlin from using her powers.  "Too late for that now," Jamie said shrugging her shoulders. "Perhaps it's best you weren't there. We've drawn too much attention to ourselves already on this cruise." "I thought she was different," Kim said downheartedly. "It was my idea for us to befriend Angel. She is just like Roz - cheating so she can win a stupid contest and not caring who she hurts in the process."

As you can see, this is building up for a massive *~* Misunderstanding *~*  "Sad part is that it will probably work," Jamie said disgustingly. "I've seen the tryouts, and the only real competition Angel had was Monica." Cut for boring. They talk Kim into performing at the contest. 

"I don't think I've ever met such a miserable man," Hermione said, as she and Harry discussed their meeting with the captain. "He makes Captain Blye seem like a pussy cat." "I think I'd prefer to be keel hauled rather than meet with him again," Harry said wincingly.

The saviors of wizardkind, everyone.  "There for a while, I thought he was going to have us all walk the plank," Hermione laughed. "He wanted to throw us off the ship. I could see it in his eyes," Harry said. "But he would have had to do it to all the families involved, and I doubt he could have justified that to his superiors."

Again: Why not using magic? "I understand him being upset, but even he admitted that the lost time could be made up," Hermione said. "I'm just thankful that the St. Kitts' judge was understanding. If it had been up to that perverted cop, the kids would be doing time."

Of course. 

But again, what exactly stopped Caitlin from hyperempathising the cop like she did with that gang of rapists in Florida? "What about the girls?" Harry asked. "We can't just ignore this." "I have an idea," Hermione suggested. "It will cost us a little money, but I think it will be well worth it to make the punishment fit the crime."

Uuuhhh...what cruel punishment could fall on the Sues?

* * * * *

Day Six, Saturday, August 13, 2005, Barbados ...and passengers are reminded again that public nudity is against the law in Barbados."

Oh the horror!  "I don't know about you guys," Emily declared, "but I don't think I'm even going to bother leaving the ship today; it's not worth the aggravation." "Sometimes you make me laugh," Kim said. "Why do you make such a big deal about wearing a swim costume, especially when yours is practically nonexistent?" "It's just the principle," Emily stated. "I'm still being forced to wear it."

As you see, the punishment is that they are forced to wear swimwear!  "I wonder if Bonnie is going ashore today?" Kim questioned. "I'd like to ask her about helping me with a routine." "In that case, we should find the recreation director and see if you can still get in the contest. Then I suggest we head for the pool," Caitlin said. "Professor Weasley and Bonnie spend most of their time there playing chess."

* * * * *

Cut for boring. 

Bonnie agrees to help Kim, while ogling her. 

"What do you think Mum and Dad want to see us about?" Emily asked. "I'm sure it has something to do with yesterday's fiasco," Caitlin answered. "They probably want to insure that there isn't a similar occurrence today." "I'm amazed they didn't punish us; at least shout at us," Kim remarked.

Way to tempt fate.  "They seldom yell, but they do have a knack of making you feel really bad; like you let them down big time," When the hell did they ever do that? Especially to Caitlin? Caitlin explained. "We should have never hiked nude." "I still don't see that we did anything so dreadful," Emily grumbled. "Everything would have been fine if that cop hadn't 'gone off the deep end' with us. It was outlandish the way he paraded us around, not even letting you take a pee." She looked intently at Kim. "How in the world did you manage to hold it so long? Emily asked. "Why you didn't even sprint to the bathroom when we got back to the ship. You must have the strongest bladder in the world." "Not quite," Kim responded, a ruby glow covering her face, but she didn't comment any further. "Oh look! Here come your parents. It looks like they've been shopping."

See? Harry and Hermione both had a devilish look on their face as they approached the girls. Hermione was holding Benjamin, who appeared to be snacking on the run.

More breast fixation, because of course.  "We wanted to talk to you girls before you went ashore today," Hermione started, continuing to feed Ben. "Don't worry Mum," Emily interrupted. "We learned our lesson yesterday. Kim has rehearsal with Bonnie this afternoon, so we're just going to go have a quick look-see, but we'll be wearing our swim costumes." Emily had been clutching hers in her hand and held it up. "You most certainly will," Harry said, "but not that one. Your mother and I decided to buy all of you new swim costumes to be worn ashore for the balance of the trip."

DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNNN

"But Antigua and St. Maarten allow nudity," Caitlin said timidly. "This is your punishment for what occurred yesterday," Hermione said. "If you wear these today and tomorrow without argument, Harry and I will reconsider allowing you to go nude on St. Maarten on Monday." As Hermione handed the identical swimsuits to the girls, they were acknowledged by three completely different reactions. From Caitlin's expression, it was evident that she didn't like the costume, but was willing to accept it as her punishment. Kim seemed to like the attire and was thrilled that they were all the same. Then there was Emily.

Clothes, oh the horror! 

Cut for boring. The girls return to the ship, and Kim says this, indicating her assimilation:

"You know what I've found to be most extraordinary?" Kim asked, but then went on without waiting for an answer. "It seems that people watch you more when you're wearing a costume than when your not. It's like they are waiting, hoping to see something they're not supposed to see. When you're naked they certainly check you out more thoroughly, but then they seem to go about their business realizing that they've seen all there is to see." Cut for a boring scene with Samantha and Jim. 

"Harry, am I a sex fanatic?" Hermione asked as they lay sunning near the pool, Ben sleeping contently next to her in his basinet.

Yes, given how sex obsessed everyone is here.  "Not that I can tell," he said, "but I'd have no complaints if you turned into one. That's assuming, of course, that I'd be the object of your lust. What exactly brought about this topic of conversation?" "I was just laying here looking at you, and I suddenly had the strongest urge to take you in my mouth and pleasure you here and now in full view of all these people."

Who talks like that? "Damn you, Hermione Jane," Harry cursed as he quickly rolled over onto his stomach. "You know full well that you'd never do any such thing in public. The only reason you said that was to see if it would cause a reaction. Are you happy?"

No.  "I'd be happier if you hadn't rolled over and hid," she confessed. "You know I love seeing you naked and hard."

-____- "Will you kindly change the subject?

Thank you.  "Okay, I think Kim has a school girl crush on you," Hermione said. "Kim? I hardly think so," Harry said lightly. "She might think of me as a father figure, since her real step dad was horrible, but nothing more."

The closest we ever kind of see of that is the last peeing scene. Otherwise we never see anything alluding to that. 

With that said, the whole thing seems then even more creepy.  "She was certainly holding on to you tightly enough the other night," Hermione said. "Now that you mention it, I guess one could say that she was showering me with her affection." Harry laughed. "Hermione, Kim hadn't peed all day. The poor girl was about to burst. When I lifted her into my arms to hasten for the cab, she lost all control. I stood there holding her, trying to hide the fact that she was inundating me with what seemed like a gallon of pee." "Oh my! The poor thing must have been mortified, and you..." Hermione just stared at Harry lovingly. "You just continued to hold her and then did a cleansing charm on you both. You had no intentions of telling me, did you?"

Why would he? Harry shook his head. "I'm sorry for prying it out of you." Hermione thought a bit and then chuckled. "Since the two of you have been intimate enough to share a shower, has she told you what her talent will be in the contest?" "No," Harry laughed. "That seems to be a well protected secret. Even Ron declined to tell me what's going on. All I know is that she is doing a combination song and dance." "Kim is extremely fortunate that a professional dancer is willing to take time away from her vacation to lend her a hand."

Why does this sound so wrong?

Cut for boring.

It ends with this:

"I'm having the same feelings," Hermione said, sorrowfully. "Emily and Caitlin are both becoming young women. I'm proud of them both, but I wish I could have shared more of their little girl years." "Me too!" Harry agreed desolately.

This sounds so creepy. 

Meanwhile, Ron is having a erection problem, and Sam doesnt now how to fix it. Then Jamie Sue shows up and decides to help them. 

"Look, I know this is none of my business," Jamie said swimming up to them, "but it's apparent you guys have a problem. May I help?" "I'm not sure what you can do to help," Sam said. "I talked Ron into getting in here and now we seem to be trapped." "How strong are you Professor?" Jamie asked. "Do you think you could carry both Sam and me at the same time?"

This sounds so wrong -__-  "That is probably the only benefit to being a werewolf," Ron whispered nervously. "We have incredible strength. But I don't see how my physical prowess will help in this situation." "My dad had a bad habit of getting aroused at the most inopportune time," Jamie explained. This must be running in the family. "Mum and I, or if Mum wasn't around, Emily and I would often shield him -__-  until he could get out of view. When it was Emily, and I we pretended to be fooling around. Emily would hang on his back and he would carry me against his front. To anyone that was watching it looked like he was carrying me off and Emily was trying to stop him."

This sounds so creepy :S  Sam looked at Jamie and then at Ron. "What do you think Ron? Could you do it? We'll pretend to fool around, and then you can grab me in your arms and carry me off right up the pool steps and down that empty passageway." She pointed to a passageway beyond the steps. "Jamie will hang on your back covering your rear. Once were out of eye sight, Jamie can run back for the towels." "I don't know," said Ron reluctantly, as he watched some more people occupy chairs around the pool. "I don't have any better ideas and if we don't do something soon, I'll be stuck here all day." "Just one thing," Jamie added. "I'm sure we'd all be more comfortable doing this the way Sam described, but since I've got some experience with this, it might be better if I cover the front." Ron looked around. Even more people were arriving, and now some were starting to enter the pool. "I... I... Sam she's done this before. I just want to get out of here," he said, now definitely in a panic. "Okay," Jamie said. "Don't waste time. I'm going to scream and splash you. Immediately pick me up, but don't hold me in your arms. That won't hide enough. Pick me up by my bottom and hold me tightly against you."

Jamie didn't give either Sam or Ron a chance to argue. She stood directly in front of Ron and gave a fake scream as she began to splash him with water. Almost forgetting either of them was nude, Ron reached his arms around Jamie, and lifted her off the bottom of the pool. "Don't think about anything," Jamie encouraged Ron, as she pretended to still horseplay and Sam leaped onto his back. "Just head for those steps." As they neared the steps, Jamie realized that Ron wasn't holding her tight enough, his erect penis would be clearly visible when they got above the water line. Without wavering, she grabbed it, forced it upward between their stomachs and then wrapped hers arms tightly around Ron to hold it in place.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK  No one said a word until they reached the shelter of the passageway. By that point, Ron's concentration on keeping up the charade caused him to return to a flaccid state. "I'll run back for the towels," Sam said. "I believe it's safe to put me down now," Jamie said with a smile. "Sorry about grabbing you, but it was somewhat on display."

I hate this fic.  "You weren't uncomfortable doing that at all, were you." Ron said more as a statement than a question. He was obviously embarrassed that she had to grab that part of his anatomy. "No, not really," Jamie said coolly as Sam ran up to them and handed Ron his towel. "It's difficult to explain, but Emily and I were brought up in an atmosphere totally alien to most people. What do you think of first when I say naked or nude? Please be honest."

.....here we go again. Ron turned pink and after some dithering said, "Sex." "Don't be embarrassed; that's what most people would answer. Our society has come to equate nudity with sex. Emily and I would have both answered 'comfort'. It's the same if you mention penis or vagina. Most people immediately think of sex, despite the fact that people urinate a lot more from those areas than they have sex with them. Professor, until you can purge sex from your definition of nudity, I doubt you'll ever be able to enjoy the naturist lifestyle. You must be completely assimilated!” Jamie checked her watch. "I have to go meet my friends; enjoy St. Maarten." Ron watched until Jamie turned the corner and then turned to Sam. "They should have her teaching sex education, not me."

And in a few chapters, she says she barely knows about bodily functions. This makes no sense. Again.  "I'm sure the boys would like that; she'd most likely teach the class in the nude," Sam said. "On second thought they might not like it; she'd doubtlessly require the students be naked, as well." "I think she nailed my problem though," Ron said, a look of self-disgust on his face. "I can't think of nudity without thinking of sex."

I´ll already say this: There is going to be like an entire chapter about such a class, and it goes nowhere.  End of Chapter Five

Sorry no cliff this time, but so as to not completely disappoint you; I've included a teaser from chapter 6.

The teaser is nothing special. 

As I was writing the last chapters of Hogwarts Too Exposed, I couldn't wait to write about the cruise; now I can't wait for it to be over and get back to Hogwarts. For those of you that feel similar, I have good news. We will be returning to the all-magical village of Hogsmeade by the conclusion of chapter six.

Yeah, but till we get to that point, we still have way too much filler of the cruise. The fact that the first 6 chapters are nothing but filler speaks for itself. 

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 3: New Friends

Welcome back. When we last left off, we meet Roz again, the Scary Sue from the last fic. 

Emily's stomach lurched at the very sound of Roz's name. In this case, I actually can´t blame her. Jamie and Emily had known Rosalind for a number of years because both families vacationed yearly at Cap d'Adge. Why are we told this again, since we already know it? In this case, knowing and liking had absolutely no correlation.

No shit, Sherlock!  Roz had detested Jamie from day one and did everything in her power to aggravate and humiliate the girl whenever possible. We are never told why Roz hates Jamie so much, but it seems that she only hates her because of how Pure Jamie Sue is, as clicheed as that may sound. In the last few years, she had even tried getting at Jamie through Emily. Last year, she had tricked Emily into a bet that was both sickening and demeaning. Every time Emily thought of what she had nearly had to do to Roz, she had the urge to heave.

Why is it never brought up that Roz actually wanted to molest Emily? Not to mention that when Roz actually tried to molest her in front of her sisters, Jamie actually did something understandable in that situation - kicking Roz´s face in! But because Jamie is such a Pure Sue, she was so horrified that she did something like that and while Roz was passed out, they had her healed. 

I hate this fic.  Although totally impossible in the din, Roz's head turned toward the group, as if hearing Felicite bring up her name. "Oh shit!" Emily cursed. "She's coming our direction." "Who?" Caitlin and Kim voiced in harmony.

HARMONY HARMONY OHHH LOOOOOOVE 

"Rosalind," Emily said, virtually gagging on the name. Although Kim had never met Roz, the stories she had heard from Emily and Caitlin made her extremely anxious.

I´m actually glad we didn´t have any scenes of Caitlin and Emily telling Kim stories of Roz, that would have been even more pointless filler.  "What's going on here?" Roz said as she swaggered over to the group. "Is this a meeting of the hopeless losers club?" She gave Kim a turned-up-nose glance. "Still picking up new members I see."

Roz shook her head in a self-aggrandizing -___- way. "Daddy said that this year's holiday would be better because we'd be away from all the riffraff, but I imagine the cruise line must allow all types on board or they'd be accused of bias."

As I said, I find it really hard to believe that basically everyone from Cap d´Agde just happens to be on the same cruise ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.  "I'm likewise happy to see you," Jamie said, trying her best to pay no attention to Roz's snide holier-than-thou attitude. Jamie should probably be the last person to complain about other peoples holier-than-thou attitude  "I believe you know everyone except Kim. She's a Sue, just like us! friend of the family." Roz gave Kim the sort of look usually reserved for rancid garbage well, she´s a Sue, so she is not far off! and then turned to a young girl, about Emily and Kim's age, that was shadowing her. "This is my niece Angel," Roz said, acting as if she were introducing royalty. "Angel, you don't even need to know their names," Roz said arrogantly. "Just take a good look at their faces and stay away from them; they're all Sues! not worth your time." Roz turned and walked away as Angel's face flushed. "I'm sorry," she said, sounding sincere. "I... I... I got to go." Angel turned and hurried after Roz. "Well, that was pleasant," Caitlin said acerbically I have never heard that word before, to Emily and Kim. Jamie had returned to her conversation in French SUE! SUE! SUE! with Chantal and Felicite, although now by their frequent glances in the direction of Roz, it was easy to speculate what they were talking about.

"I actually felt sort of sorry for Angel," Kim said. "She didn't appear to be at all like Roz. It looked like she was humiliated by that whole encounter." "I agree," said Caitlin. "It's difficult to believe they are related. Not only do their personalities seem totally different, but also they don't look at all physically alike. I think we should bring her into our Cult! Angel is extremely pretty and Roz is..." Caitlin seemed lost for the proper word. "Roz is an unkempt hag," Emily suggested. "No, that's not being fair to hags in general."

Come to think of it, Roz is the only naturist in the whole Saga outrightly described as ugly, and she also happens to be eeeeevul. Hello, Unfortunate Implications!  "I always thought you were both exaggerating when you described her, but you weren't," Kim said. "She's as miserable and gross as you portrayed her. I can understand a girl or woman not wanting to go to the extreme of being smooth, but you'd think she'd at least trim. And her underarms... ugh!"

Isnt Naturism all about being natural, which bodily hair is supposed to be?

The discussion of Roz came to an abrupt halt when Emily noticed Designated Love Interest #3 Brian walking in their direction accompanied by two other boys; the girls, especially Kim, watched nervously as the boys approached. "Hi," Brian said shyly, upon reaching them. He was addressing them all, but his eyes seemed trained on Kim, who was clearly tense.

This is so forced.  The girls all responded with a muffled greeting. Emily was the first to break the ice. "I see you finally discarded your clothes and got with the program," Emily said, addressing Brian.

Does this all sound like something a 12-13 year old girl would say? "Yeah!" he said. "This is my preferred condition of dress. I've been a naturist my entire life. Unfortunately, coming from Pennsylvania, I don't get to practice it outdoors nearly as much as I'd like. This is Jeff and Mark's first time." He indicated his two friends. "They're only doing it so they can get to see a lot of naked women."

In this fic, it would not surprise me in the slightest.  "You are so full of it," Jeff retorted, and then turned to the girls. "Mark and I have been nudists since we were youngsters; we're fraternal twins. We met this liar on vacation about five years ago; been putting up with him every summer since."

I´m just gonna say this now, Brians two friends are the least of the people who are given any characterisation what so ever over the duration of the whole nudist cruise arc of the fic. They just happen to be there, and don´t contribute to anything.  "How long have you guys been at it?" Mark inquired. "I've been a naturist my entire life," Emily replied. "If I had my way, clothing would never touch my body."

WE ALL KNOW ALREADY  "You sound like a nudism activist," Mark answered back. "I just might be," Emily said, "once I reach the age where my actions won't affect those I care for. Caitlin's only been a nudist two years." "It looks like you and Caitlin get to spend a lot of time bare outdoors," Jeff commented. "You both have great all over tans without a trace of a tan line."

....................... Obviously Jeff had been observing Emily and Caitlin closely, but neither girl seemed the least embarrassed by his comment . It was Kim who blushed because she had very noticeable tan lines. You could see the precise outline of her bathing costume.

Oh, the Horror!  "How long have you been a naturist?" Brian asked, giving Kim a pleasing slasher smile. Kim gulped. She thought about lying, but lies always had a way of coming back to haunt her. Especially since the lie to the other Scary Sues in their dorm is what is making her miserable in the first place.  "I'm not a naturist," she said. "I'm nude lots of times with Kim and Caitlin where they live, but this is the first time I've ever been naked in public." Brian looked at Kim with astonishment. "Then you must be the gutsiest girl on earth," She actually isnt. he exclaimed. "I'd expect you to be scared to death, but you don't look the least ill at ease." "Looks can be deceiving," Kim said with an uneasy laugh.

Well, at least she´s honest!  "Well, one thing is for certain," Brian said truthfully. "You most certainly have nothing to be ashamed of; you're quite lovely." "Thank you," Kim replied, a bright glow covering her entire body. * * * * * *

Snip for a boring scene where Ron is being talked to by the woman from the couple who were ogling them in the previous chapter, and her name is Bonnie. 

We now come to the prelude to one of the dumbest and pervy scenes of the Saga:

"Have either of you ever been on a surfboard before?" Kim asked, looking at Emily and Caitlin. "I haven't," Caitlin said. "Truthfully, I prefer my swimming water in a nice clear pool." "I'm not that grand LOOK HOW BRITISH I AM a swimmer," Emily admitted. "I'd drown if I went out that far." Kim leaned the board back into its rack, dejectedly. "Are you girls going surfing?" Brian called out as he, Jeff and Mark came bounding toward them. "Just looking," Emily replied. "Kim is the only one with the guts and ability to try it." "Then this is her opportunity," Jeff said. "Brian is the main man when it comes to surfing. You'll take her out, won't you dude?"

Even if I didnt know what was coming in this scene, why does this sound so wrong?  "This is a good place to give it a try if you're interested," -___- Brian suggested. "The water is warm and the surf mild. You won't get any thrill rides, but you won't get knocked off the board either." "Why don't you try," Caitlin said encouragingly. "I'm sure the four of us can find something safe to do while Brian and you drown yourselves." "You won't drown," Brian said, reaching out and squeezing Kim's hand. This feels so wrong.... "I'll see to that." "Okay," Kim said giving Brian a smile. "But if I do die, I'm coming back to haunt you." "No chance," Brian said. "Only witches and wizards can become ghosts." UUUUUuuuuuuhhhh.....foreshadowing! He turned to the others. "We'll meet you guys in front of the Banana Beach Bar in about an hour." Kim looked over her shoulder apprehensively as Emily and Caitlin walked off with Jeff and Mark, leaving her alone with Brian. * * * * * * "You have quite a way with cats," Severus said as he watched Katie relate with Crookshanks and Alfred.

Yes, Snape is now starting yet another relation with another former student of his! Yaay Unfortunate Implications!  "They're not cats," Katie corrected Severus. "Crookshanks is part Kneazle and Alfred is a purebred. These guys are both very intelligent and can almost tell at an instant whether you are trustworthy or not."

Just remember:

Neil had by the start of the second fic totally forgotten about both Crookshanks and Alfred, because (in his own words) “they´re not nudists”.  "It's a shame we humans don't possess that ability," Severus commented. "Some do, although most don't realize it or use it to its full potential," Katie said. "Jamie Zacherley is a case in point. Hermione says the ability is strongly manifested in her, but she tends to block it, instead looking for the good redeeming values in people."

“See? She´s totally not a Mary Sue!”  "That sounds like Jamie," Severus said. "How do you think she'd do as a member of staff?" "Next year, just right out of school?" Katie questioned. "But I thought she had plans to go into training as an Auror."

I think this is the first time this is mentioned since the first fic.  "She does," Severus answered. "Unless she and Alex Ward do appalling on their N.E.W.T.s, I would expect them both to be accepted into the program." "I don't understand," Katie said. "If she isn't interested in teaching, why would you be considering her?" "Because Flitwick says she's the best qualified person to replace him when he retires next June." MARY SUE DETECTED BEEP BEEP BEEP Severus answered. "He claims that her abilities stand far above any other candidate we've considered for the position. Not only that, but she's already gained some valuable experience by subbing and has shown a strong aptitude for teaching."

She is one of the biggest Sues I have ever encountered.  "Aren't Ward and she dating?" Katie asked. "Yes! That is what is causing me consternation," Severus answered, shaking his head. "They have been extremely close friends since first year. Very much like Hermione and Harry were. Now, like the Professors, they have been chosen Head Boy and Head Girl. Every indication is that they are destined to be together. I feel that by offering her a position, I'm building a roadblock in the path of their happiness. It would dictate them being apart for three years."

I said this before, but we are never, ever shown why Jamies and Alex´ relationship is supposed to be sp special. 

I doesnt help that most of what Alex does - when he isnt channeling Kirk Cameron - is just to be there and be Jamies Yes-man on everything.  "Are you asking my advice?" Katie asked. "I value your opinion greatly." "Then when the time comes, you must offer her the position. By not doing so, even though your intentions might be honorable, you are trying to control her life. The choice has to be theirs. It will be a difficult choice, but it must be theirs to make."

The way she is saying it makes it sound as if the fate of the world is depending on it! 

* * * * * * 

Cut for another boring beach scene - Sam tells Ron that she´s been hanging out with Bonnies husband Jim. 

I wonder where this is going....

And cut for a Ginny/Draco scene, where they are on vacation and Ginny talks about wanting to be naked. 

We move on to the scene I alluded to earlier:

"Are you nervous?" Brian asked after he and Kim had paddled out to sea a good distance. "Nervous doesn't come even close to describing how I feel," Kim said fearfully. "You'll be fine," Brian said reassuringly. "You just have to trust me. Now getting to our feet can be a little tricky. I'll get up first and then assist you. Once we're both up, relax and lean back against me. Let me move your body in tandem with mine in order to maintain balance. One more thing, forget that we're naked." Forget that we're naked. How the devil am I supposed to do that when you're going to be touching me, when you want me to lean back against you? Why am I here? Why did I agree to do this? Because you´re about to be assimilated. Why is he so nice to me? Why is he so gorgeous? Brian had made what they had to do sound much easier than, in fact, it actually was. Ten times they had tried standing and ten times they had fallen into the brine. I almost except the Dirty Dancing soundtrack to play in the background at this time. Kim was exceeding glad that she was a proficient swimmer; else she would have already given up and begged to return to shore. As it was, she could only picture trying this a few more times. They fell for the eleventh time. "Okay," Brian said with assurance. "The twelfth time is charmed."

UUUHHHHHHH FOOOOORESHADOOWIIIIIING  "It better be," Kim gasped. "I've swallowed about as much ocean as I care to for one day." Brian was on his feet and so was Kim. They were finally actually both standing. "Now relax," Brian said. "Lean against me and let our bodies become one."

:S 

This sounds so wrong.  They were actually riding a wave, albeit a small one, and headed for shore. "This is great," Kim said happily, forgetting for the instant that Brian's naked body was pressed tightly against hers. Then he shifted to change their direction and she felt it. She knew at once what it was and it had nestled itself gently between her butt cheeks. FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!!!!!! Kim panicked and they were both in the water.

I just can´t - and I find it strange to think that this Saga has actual fans.... "What happened," Brian asked after they had both surfaced and caught their breath. "I lost my footing," Kim lied.

Kim, grow a spine!  "Want to go out and give it another try?" Brian offered. "No thanks," Kim begged off. "I've had enough for the first time, but it was fun. Thanks." "It was my pleasure," Brian replied genuinely.

We now move on to Emilys sex obsession:

"Are you sure it was his Willie?" Emily asked as she and Kim lay in bed discussing the events of the day.

I wonder why Emily doesnt just say “penis”, given how obsesses she is with it.  "Well, since I didn't in point of fact see it, I can't be positive," Kim replied. "But I can't imagine what else it could have been. He had a hand on each of my arms and I was leaning back against him." "Was it soft or hard?" Emily persisted.

FUCK YOU NEIL  "I don't know!" Kim said, aggravated at Emily's doggedness. "I just knew it felt weird having a part of him touch me there." Kim thought for a minute. "He must have had a stiffy, otherwise I don't think it would have prodded me to the extent it did. I just know it didn't belong there."

I hate this fic.  "I think you're being overdramatic," Emily said assuringly. "Brian seems like a real nice guy. I'm sure he wasn't trying to do anything improper. It was probably just a natural reaction to his penis having rubbed against your bare skin. Jamie says they sort of have minds of their own sometimes; that guys can't fully control them."

Keep telling yourself that, Neil!  "Speaking of which, have you noticed Professor Weasley's?" Kim asked, her face turning ruby red.

I feel so sorry for Ron in this fic.  "It's somewhat difficult not to," Emily answered. "I wonder whether his large size has anything to do with him being a werewolf." "Probably," Kim answered. "Can you imagine something that large inside you?" She shuddered at the very thought. "I wonder how Sam does it."

Remember this conversation for later in the fic.

I know this may sound weird, but it is actually (kinda) important.  "Well, as we saw when Amanda and Mum gave birth, women can adjust." Emily said, actually fingering herself. FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!!!!! "It must be an awfully tight fit." "Emily, can I ask you a question without you getting irritated and flying off the handle?" Kim questioned warily. "I can only promise to try," Emily said with a laugh. "Lately I seem to have a very short handle." Kim took a deep breath. "Are you and Caitlin gay? Have you had sex? I mean if you are and have, it's okay with me. I just..." She didn't finish.

I actually wonder how Kim got that vibe. 

Emily just stared at the ceiling, completely caught off guard by Kim's questions. "I don't think either of us is gay," she answered. "I'm not sure a person at twelve or thirteen can even be fully confident of their sexual preferences, but we are unquestionably both extremely interested in boys so I don't think that either of us is gay."

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. 

Besides the fact that this here seems extremely homophobic on Neils part - on the one hand constantly denying Homosexuality yet at the same time writing a sex scene between two (UNDERAGED) girls is just classic “Girl on Girl is hot” trope in all its glory. 

Also, apparently Bisexuality doesnt exist here. 

Not to mention that there is a short scene in the last chapter of the first fic in which Caitlin and Emily announce that they are a couple - that scene is never ever referenced to again afterwards. 

Like so many other things in this Saga. Emily took a deep breath, not sure how her best friend was going to handle the balance -___- and I was happy that we didnt have more misuses of the word “balance”  of her answer. "We have experimented with oral sex," Emily honestly admitted. "And we both found that it felt nice." "Oh!" Was all Kim could say in response. "Does knowing that change things between us?" Emily asked apprehensively. "I'm not sure," Kim said nervously. "I love you. You're my best friend, but I could never do that to another girl; not even you."

Well, in this fic, you never know for sure.  "Kim! I love you too and I'd never ask or expect you to do it," Emily replied. "I'm not even sure if I could do it with you. You are my best friend, but Caitlin is my sister and although I can't quite explain it; the two of us have a special something that actually made it feel good and proper."

The fact that she is your (adopted, but still) sister is what makes this even more disturbing - apart from the fact that they are both underage. 

Which again makes me think....Caitlin was raped by Madam Hooch when she was 12, and then two years later "experiments” with Emily - why can´t I help but feel like its a situation where a rape victim goes on to control youngers? "Then I can slumber assured that you won't molest me during the night," Kim said with a laugh.

As I said, Kim:

In this fic, you never know. 

I hate this fic.  "Promise," Emily said. "Will you still hold me if I have another nightmare about that git, like I did last night?"

I think this is the last time we ever hear about the almost-rape at Ford Lauterdale.  "Promise," Kim said, as she kissed Emily on the cheek before turning on her side and shortly going to sleep. * * * * * * More boring stuff, but this thing sticks out:

"How does he do it?" Ron asked as he helped Hermione situate and shade a sleeping Benjamin, all the time trying not to look straight at his friend. Ron was already using a towel to hide his semi-erectness; if he allowed his eyes to fully appreciate Hermione's body, he'd have a full-fledged stiffy that would never give up.

Wouldnt it be kind of interesting to see if Ron was still in love with Hermione despite all the things that happened?

This of course is never followed up upon. 

Ron and Hermione were interrupted by the shrill sound of a woman's voice loudly calling out Hermione's name.

Hermione turned and, upon seeing Michelle Wolfskill, hurried to greet her, giving the relatively fleshy woman a proper hug. Michelle had befriended Hermione last year at Cap d'Adge; she was also responsible for telling the Potters about this cruise. Why are we given exposition again about things we already know? She and her husband, Lloyd, had been good friends of Jennifer and Carl Zacherley, Jamie and Emily's late parents. Who now only are mentioned like this in passing and otherwise no longer acknowledged. Upon first meeting, Michelle in fact mistook Hermione for Jennifer's sister because Jamie and Hermione looked so similar.

Oh. Its been a while since that has been mentioned.  "It's wonderful to see you again," Michelle said, sincerity evident in her voice. At that time she looked at Ron. "Have you brought us a new convert, Hermione?"

I wonder how actual nudists would react to this comment.  "That remains to be seen," Hermione said candidly. "This is Ronald Weasley. Ron, Harry and I have been best friends since our first year of school, despite the fact that we treat him like crap. Ron, this is Michelle Wolfskill. We only just met last summer, but hit it off immediately."

The last part sounds very wrong. 

Again.  Ron and Michelle exchanged smiles and then shook hands, with Ron, naturally maintaining full eye contact. "Where is Lloyd?" Hermione inquired. "Still sleeping," Michelle said disgustingly. "He was gambling till the wee hours of the morning. I didn't realize the ship had a casino when we booked passage or I might have reconsidered. Lloyd has an unhealthy obsession for playing poker, and he also wont have any influence on the plot anyway." Ron listened with great interest. Wizards had nothing that compared to casinos in their world. He was extremely eager to find out more about this form of adult Muggle entertainment. Unfortunately, Harry and Hermione seemed to both eye gambling negatively and Sam had shown little curiosity.

This is the first we ever see any evidence of this. 

This is of course only brought up for a stupid subplot that won´t have any influence or consequences on the main plot anyway.  "That's Samantha, Ron's wife, perched on Harry's shoulders," Hermione said, pointing in the direction of the pool. "We all call her Sam. Jamie is holding their son, Timmy." "You have a very attractive wife," Michelle said, but as she spoke her mind seemed to wander as she glanced at Kim, Caitlin and Emily. "Did you adopt another daughter?"

Basically yes.  "No, although she almost seems like part of the family," Hermione said with a laugh. "That is Kim, she's a good friend of both Emily and Caitlin." "But our family has increased in size," Hermione noted proudly as she bent over and picked up Ben. "I'd like you to meet Benjamin James Potter." "You've had a baby?" Michele said disbelievingly. She gazed at Hermione in skepticism and then at little Ben. Temporarily all other thoughts were erased from her mind as she looked at the adorable baby. "May I hold him?" "Certainly," Hermione said trustingly as she handed Ben to Michelle. "Don't take it personal if he wakes up and starts crying; he's normally been fed by now." "I'll feed him if I may?" Michelle said. "It seems like forever since I've held a baby and giving me grandchildren doesn't seem to be a priority with my children. Where do you have his bottle?"

This is how we know she has children, as it has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again.  "I'm breastfeeding," Hermione said almost penitently because she knew it would draw Michelle attention to her huuuuuuge breasts. Michelle just stared unbelievably at Hermione. There were so many things she was temped to say, so many questions on the tip of her tongue, but she somehow managed to remain mute and instead just nodded her head. "I looked all over Princess Cays for you yesterday," Hermione said. "I'd about come to the conclusion that you had decided not to book passage." "Lloyd and I opted to stay on board yesterday," Michelle advised. "Most of the stops are pretty much the same and Princess Cays, being owned by the line, is the most bland and uninteresting of the islands, and this way, the author doesnt have to write any descriptions of the island." "Ladies," Ron said, getting Hermione and Michelle's attention, "I'm not really in the mood to lie in the sun. If you don't mind, I believe I'll just move over to that table where I'll have a better view of the pool." "Are you sure?" Hermione asked, feeling shoddily for perhaps ignoring him. Ron, however, was already on his feet and didn't answer. Perhaps he hadn't heard her or possibly he was intentionally ignoring her as he headed for the empty table.

I really hate how Ron is treated in this fic - and it only gets worse from here.  * * * * * * Cut for another boring scene with Ron and Bonnie, playing chess - Bonnies husband Jim and Sam notice it. 

"Michele, what's on your mind?" Hermione inquired. "I know you well enough to be able to tell when something is bothering you. It's not like you not to say what you're thinking."

How many betas were supposedly involved in this again? Michelle looked at Hermione hesitantly. "I'd rather not say," she said. "I value your friendship too highly, and we get to see each other so seldom that I don't want to chance saying something that will rub you the wrong way." "Part of the reason I like you so much is because you are frank and tell it like it is. I'd much prefer you come out with whatever it is you want to say rather than let it fester the entire holiday."

It was never shown how close Hermie Sue and Michelle are. This here comes completely out of nowhere.  Michelle shook her head as she bit down on her lip. "You're a Mary Sue! different," she finally said. "I like you. I like you very much, but there is something different about you; and by you I mean you and your entire family." Hermione looked at Michelle concernedly. She was expecting a question in regards to her breasts or her body springing back to shape so fast after having Ben, but she wasn't expecting this. Michelle most certainly didn't know that she was magical, but somehow she had realized that she was unusual.

Sues usually do stick out wherever they are, even in a Saga like this with multiple Sues.  "Last year when we first met, I took an instant liking to you," Michelle said. "I imagine most people do; you have that sort of charisma about you. Of course, I was cheering for Jamie in the competition." Of course she was. She hesitated a moment. "I was watching the day of the contest when Jamie reached the hotel clutching her breasts in pain. Having done some nude running myself in my younger days, I could be empathetic with the tenderness she was feeling. It was evident that the girl could run no more."

I was already thinking in the last fic that it is a miracle that no one saw Caitlin and Hermione perform their Sue Powers on Jamie out in the open.  "But then I watched as you and Caitlin held hands and went into what seemed to be a deep trance. Jamie who had been sitting very quietly, almost as if in a trance herself, began to move about as if... Well, from my viewpoint she seemed to be reacting to her chest being rubbed, yet neither you nor Caitlin had touched her. This went on for a time until Emily came running up to you. She almost went into a panic yelling and shaking the three of you before finally there was a response."

Yeah. Busted.  "As you know Jamie went back and finished that race not showing any sign of even a token amount of tenderness. I kept my judgment to myself, not even telling my husband my suspicions. He probably would have considered me mad anyway. Besides, after what you and Harry had done... how you had taken those girls into your home and heart. I didn't want to think negatively of you."

I wonder, why would this make her think negatively of them?

Neil can´t write.  "But now look at you. Hermione, I've been a nurse for over twenty years," This is also only mentioned right now out of nowhere! Michelle declared. "Your body is flawless. The most obvious unfeasibility is your breasts. Natural breasts the size of yours do not, cannot defy gravity, especially when breast feeding."

This whole breast fixation is really creepy, but not surprising.  "But that's not all," Michelle went on. "Your skin is perfect. Not a stretch mark or even a pimple anywhere. Even the scar you had on your arm last year; probably from a childhood injury, is gone."

Oh G-d... Hermione glanced at her arm, almost in panic. Michelle was correct. The scar that she had gotten on her arm from a bicycle accident was gone. The massages that Caitlin had given her during her pregnancy had done far more than intended.

This is the first time we ever hear of said scar, as it certainly wasnt there the previous fic. 

Neil can´t write.  "Michelle, I don't know what to..." "Look Out! They're attacking!" shrieked a woman. "My god what are they!"

It´s Madam Hooch coming to eat all of their nipples!  "They're going for those girls!" "Someone help them, please! Oh my god, those poor kids." End of Chapter Three

I “love” how Neil loves to end chapters with completely stupid and unnecessary cliffhangers. 

Thank you very much to all of you that have reviewed. I thought that by now you might have tired of my stories, but the response to the first two chapters has been very gratifing.

Yeah, I can´t believe people actually liked it.  Thank you also to my wonderful betas: Amber, Paul, Matt and Peter work very hard to turn my gibberish into a readable chapter. Your betas suck! If anyone is concerned with the direction the story is headed with regards to Sam/Ron/Bonnie/Jim, please address you howlers to Paul. He suggest that sub plot.

Paul is stupid then. 

And believe me: 

It only gets worse. 

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 1: The Streets of Fort Lauderdale

Welcome back! 

So now we have finally arrived to the day that I have been longing for, ever since I started sporking the Saga back in September 2016, 3 years ago...we have now arrived at the third fic, which happens to be my favourite of the Saga, as there is so much meat that needs to be adressed, so much fail...

This fic, among other things, features more stupid plotlines that go absolutely nowhere, giant spiders that explode by Sue powers, more pointless crying, designated love interests, and to crown it all, a very shitty Jurassic Park rip off. 

The subtitle of the fic is “Salazars return”, a thing foreshadowed way back in the first fic (in which Jamie sees Salazar during DADA, facing her worst fear - this is never adressed again afterwards), and outrightly announced in the last fic with the terrible written prophecy that Emily comes out with. 

As mentioned in the last sporking, the whole “resurrecting Salazar Slytherin” is - despite being stolen from the Draco Trilogy - an actually somewhat interesting plot, but of course we won´t see that much of it, instead we again are faced with terrible soap opera situations. 

Well, let´s dive right in:

Friday, August 5, 2005 “They look like they’re having a great time,” Jamie said, watching enviously from the window in the staff tower as the Giant Squid tossed the girls ten to fifteen feet in the air and then ate them as they fell down permitted them to splash back down into the lake before scooping them up and repeating the process. “Why don’t you go join them, Jamie?” Hermione suggested. “It’s not like we have that much packing to do.” “I’d love to except I haven’t written to Alex today, and we pledged to owl each other every day, because we otherwise would cease to exist if we don´t constantly remind us with the fact that we are a couple” Jamie answered. 

Jamie and Alex would be starting their seventh and final year at Hogwarts in the autumn and had been best friends since their first year. Last year they had finally acknowledged that the feelings they shared for each other went far beyond friendship. Both Alex and Jamie planned to train as Aurors after they completed Hogwarts and then, in due course marry. 

Again, what is it that is so special about their relationship? Nothing has ever been shown to us why they are so perfect for each other, not to mention that Alex has absolutely no personality outside of being Jamie Sues love interest. In fact, Dick Bancroft has more chemistry with Jamie, and that is saying a lot!  When Jamie’s parents died during her fifth year, she had thought that life, as she knew it, would come to a crashing halt. Jamie envisioned saying good-bye to Hogwarts and having to seek some sort of menial employment in order to support herself and her then ten-year-old sister, Emily. 

I actually don´t know why we all of a sudden are faced with a recap of things we already know.  Professor Granger, who had been a mentor to Jamie, refused to think about this alternative. Since the girls had no living relatives, she and her fiancé, Harry Potter, insisted on caring for Jamie as a sister and becoming guardians to Emily. Harry and Hermione did this without hesitation despite Hermione having previously adopted Caitlin, a then eleven-year-old girl 12, actually, also because her age is going to be important the next fic who had been orphaned and abused. And so Harry Potter, now at the ripe old age of twenty-five and married for only slightly over a year, finds himself the father of three children: Caitlin, who would soon turn thirteen fourteen, as she turns 15 in the next fic and start her third year at Hogwarts; Emily, now twelve and entering her second year; and Suespawn Benjamin, Hermione and Harry’s newborn son, just over two months old. “Harry, will we be able to Portkey all the way to Fort Lauderdale or will we have to do it in phases because of the distance involved?” Jamie inquired as Harry entered the room, ready to kiss her arse. “That is the one advantage a Portkey has over Apparating,” he answered. “There is no limit to the distance you can travel. Our group is rather large, however, and so I’ve arranged for three Portkeys.” 

What could possibly go wrong?  “Three? Why so many? And what about Timmy and Ben?” Jamie inquired. “Timmy is rather young to understand he must hold onto the Portkey and Ben, well he just can’t.” Timmy is the four-year-old son of Samantha Bowman, an American Sue witch. Sam had originally come to England searching for Timmy’s birth father but, after a year of no leads, had given up and settled in Hogsmeade where she met and fell in love with Ron Weasley, who suffers from lycanthropy. He had just been released from Azkaban and, at the time, was working in a joke shop owned by his twin brothers, Fred and George. It was at Harry and Hermione’s wedding that Samantha and her son were initially observed by Timmy’s birth father, none other than Draco Malfoy. Draco made a legal attempt to gain custody of his son, but upon failing, begrudgingly accepted the state of affairs and his current role in his son’s life. 

Maybe it is a good thing that we never actually see any of the moments between Timmy and Draco.  “I secured three Portkeys mainly because of Ben and Timmy,” Harry explained. “Traveling by Portkey can be rather rough treatment, especially with a large number of people thrashing their limbs about. I propose that you girls use one Portkey. That will allow Hermione and me to secure Ben between us and the Weasley’s to do the same with Timmy.” “But will all three Porkeys have the same coordinates?” “Yes,” Harry said assuredly. “The only drawbacks are that we have to allow ten minutes between departures, and that we will be arriving in an area that none of us are familiar with. But I’m sure everything will go well.” 

Again, what could possibly go wrong? Also, fooooreeeeshadowing. 

* * * * * *

“I’m tired,” Kim whimpered, “Can we get out of the water for a bit and take a break?” “I’m rather exhausted myself,” Caitlin agreed. “You two are worse than two old ladies,” Emily complained, but she conceded and headed for the shore. “I wish we could shrink Elmo and take him on holiday with us,” she said glancing back at the Giant Squid. 

Yeah, and I´m now totally imagining the Giant Squid with the head of Elmo.  “I’m sure that would go over spectacularly with the other ship passengers,” Caitlin said sarcastically. “Somehow I don’t think they would take kindheartedly to a giant squid in one of the ship’s swimming pools.” “Nah! I guess not,” Emily said sadly. “I’m going to miss him though while we’re away.” “I’ve never been on a cruise ship before,” Kim said excitedly. “I’m so glad your parents invited me to go along.” 

And believe me, we are going to spend a lot of time on the cruise ship, even more time than the nudist resort last fic. 

Anyway, Caitlin and Emily get Kim to walk to Hogsmeade for icecream semi naked, while they themselves are under that charm again. 

The main reason why Emily wants to go to Hogsmeade is because she has the hots for Roger Fortescue, the guy running the shop - HE IS TWENTY WHILE SHE IS TWELVE, AND THEIR FEELINGS ARE MUTUAL WHILE NEIL PORTRAYS THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS A GOOD THING. 

Also, suddenly more recap of things we already know in the middle of everything:

Both Emily and Caitlin are naturalists and preferred to be unclothed whenever possible. Jamie and Emily’s parents were nudists and they raised their daughters in the naturists’ ways. Both girls feel extremely uncomfortable when clothed and would much prefer to always be naked even if others about them are clothed. They don’t see being unclothed as wicked or sexy, but rather as natural and comfortable. Jamie befriended Caitlin when she first started Hogwarts, and was the first real friend and positive role model Caitlin had ever had. It was by accident that the young girl discovered Jamie was a naturist. Caitlin was so impressed by Jamie and her explanation of her lifestyle that she was tempted to try it. She became an immediate convert. 

This makes no sense. 

Kim is a most unenthusiastic nudist. This is an understatement - she is completely forced to it by the other Sues! In order to avoid lingering embarrassment from a cruel prank on the Hogwarts Express in her first year, she had all her cartoon-imprinted underclothes destroyed ´destroyed´ - this sounds like Emily did a Crucio or Avada Kedavra on them. This caused her dorm mates to mistakenly assume that she, like Emily, was a nudist. She now uncomfortably lives that lie. Why though? She has actually become at ease being naked with Caitlin, Emily and their family. The cruise, on the other hand, will be her first experience at public nudity, and she is exceedingly apprehensive. 

And all of a sudden, this:

They had only gone a few hundred feet past the gate, when Caitlin came to a sudden stop. “Did you feel that,” she cried nervously. Kim looked at her questioningly. “Feel what?” she asked, a bewildered look on her face. “I didn’t feel anything.” “I did,” Emily piped up. “It felt as though something hot was trickling down my back. Kim, remember when Professor Flitwick demonstrated the Disillusionment Charm on us last Christmas, the charm that made us blend in with the decorations. It felt exactly the same as when he lifted it.” 

Of course this is an indication of that the modesty charm won´t work later - but what makes this pointless is the fact that it is never brought up again or explained who was behind this. 

They then gush over the fact how fast the ice cream shop was built:

“Wizard contractors take some short cuts not available to Muggle builders,” Emily added. “Yeah!” Kim said. “One might call it magic!” They all chuckled.

This is actually funny, as the Sues on several occasions throughout the fic COMPLETELY FORGET MAGIC, especially a crucial scene in the second half of the fic comes to mind. 

And for the sake of it, this is how I´m envisioning Roger Fortescue:

And the next section...well, I´ll leave that unsporked:

“Well, what have we here?” the clerk behind the counter asked. It was undoubtedly a rare sight to have three towel-clad girls enter his establishment. Although he had addressed all three girls, his eyes only inspected Emily. “Did you girls just get out of the shower?” “No silly,” said Emily dreamily. “We were swimming and had the urge for some ice cream. This is my good friend Kim. She is going on holiday with Caitlin and I.” Roger gave Kim a smile of recognition, but quickly turned his attention back to Emily. “I’d say Kim was extremely fortunate. I would really enjoy being on vacation with you for a week.” At this comment, Emily blushed, but Kim and Caitlin exchanged uneasy glances. This smooth talking git might entrance Emily, but, although she didn’t know why, Kim had taken an immediate dislike to Roger. “I was hoping perhaps you had come to visit me,” Roger said suggestively. “But since you prefer ice cream, what can I get you?” Emily seemed content to stare at Roger; therefore, Kim decided to place her order. “Could I have a small cone of chocolate, please?” “I’ll have a small cone also,” said Caitlin, “but make mine vanilla, please.” “And what about you, beautiful,” Roger said. “Could I have one of those swirl mixes of both kinds?” Emily asked sweetly. Roger purposely served Caitlin and Kim first. The girls sat down at one of the many empty tables as Emily waited to be served and pay. As Roger handed Emily her cone he got a mischievous grin on his face. “Do you know what they say about people who get mixed ice cream?” Emily shook her head, no. “They say they go both ways.” Emily blushed a deep shade of red, but made no comment. Instead she asked, “How much is the total bill?” ”That depends,” Roger said devilishly. “Perhaps we could work out an agreement that would be both easy on your pocket and easy on my eyes.” “What do you mean?” Emily asked innocently, not understanding. “I envisage you looking quite nice in your swim costume,” he said, licking his lips. “If you drop the towel and model it for me; all three cones are on the house.” Emily licked her ice cream, both to prevent it running down the cone and to give her time to think. Her bathing costume was rather skimpy and dropping her towel and modeling seemed like a rather sexual thing to do. On the other hand, she was a naturist. If the world were fair, she’d be happily standing here completely nude at the present time. Besides, she’d sort of like Roger to see her in her bathing costume and free ice cream in the bargain sounded like a great deal. Emily looked around the room. There were only six other patrons in the shop; four pre-teen boys at a table near the rear and a young couple near the window. This felt so weird. She had absolutely no qualms with the entire world seeing her naked. She had even walked naked to the grocery when she was ten, yet modeling a bathing costume in an ice cream store somehow seemed wrong. “I’d really love to see how nice you look,” Roger said entreatingly. Her decision was made. “Would you hold my ice cream?” she asked passing the cone back to Roger. “Now don’t snicker. I’m only twelve and with a bit of luck my figure will develop considerably more.” “I’d never laugh at you, besides I think you have an excellent figure,” Roger said. “Okay, here goes,” Emily said, stepping back from the counter. She couldn’t believe how nervous she was as she undid the towel and in order to avoid seeing Roger’s expression stared anxiously up at the ceiling. As she felt the towel brush her body on its way to the floor, she began turning slowing, allowing Roger plenty of time to scrutinize her before finally looking him in the eyes and saying, “Well, what do you think?” Roger had dropped Emily’s ice cream on the floor. The young girl that was sitting near the window had grabbed her spellbound boyfriend and dragged him from the shop as the four young boys at the rear went wild. Caitlin and Kim, who had been absorbed in conversation and paying little attention to Emily, jumped to their feet. “What happen to your swim costume!?” Kim asked in a panic as Caitlin ran to pick up Emily’s towel and toss it to her. It was only when Kim asked what had become of her costume that Emily realized that she was indeed standing there starkers. “Roger, I’m sorry,” Emily said. “I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry if I made you ill at ease you. Somehow the concealment charm that covered me was canceled.” She started to wrap the towel around herself. “I’m not embarrassed,” Roger said, not taking his eyes off Emily, “and you shouldn’t be either. You’re splendid.” “I’m not embarrassed,” Emily said, letting the towel slip off and into her hand. “Do you really think I look nice?” Roger corrected her. “I’d say fabulous. Nothing would please me more than to have you spend the balance of the day in my shop just as you are.” “Maybe that could be arranged,” Emily said boldly. “I don’t think so!” Caitlin said, giving Emily an appalled look. “We have to go! Emily, please cover up!” When Emily made no effort to do so, Caitlin grabbed her arm. “Suit yourself,” she said with frustration. “Kim, please help me.” Before Emily realized what was happening, Caitlin and Kim had dragged her out the door and on to the thankfully deserted street. “Now will you put that towel on?” Caitlin asked. “Why?” Emily answered defiantly. “There is no one about, and I’m quite comfortable like this.” Emily tossed the towel to Kim and started boldly walking away from the shop and in the direction of the path that would return them to Hogwarts. 

Well, as you can see, Roger is a perv and Emily loves to be starkers in front of other people. And Rogers relationship to Emily is as mentioned earlier, treated as noble. Barf. 

And the charm was lifted, of course. 

On their way back to the castle they meet up with Trilogy!Draco and “Virginia” Weasley who wishes she could be as nude as the girls. 

The sections ends up with this:

“I don’t think Elmo cares if or how we dress,” Emily answered casually, and then added. “Mum likes us to use the concealment charm, but it’s really not necessary anymore on the school grounds. Most of the staff has seen at least one of us nude. It’s really no big deal any longer.” ‘Maybe not to you’, Kim thought and then turned toward the castle and said, “let’s go.” 

This is never picked up on. 

Sunday, August 7, 2005 “Ron, will you please cheer up,” Sam said with annoyance, as she and Ron finished packing. “We’re starting our vacation tomorrow, not going to a funeral.” “That’s easy for you to say,” Ron groaned. “If I had your body, I wouldn’t be concerned with being seen nude either.” “If you had my body, I doubt we’d be married,” Sam said with a laugh. 

Yeah, the Ron-bashing gets worse with each chapter.  “It’s not funny,” Ron moaned. “You know what I mean. I feel like I’m the king of the string bean geeks going on vacation with the Perfect Body Club.” “We don’t all have perfect bodies,” Samantha insisted. “Well, maybe Jamie and Hermione do, because they are Sues, like me!. Hermione is going to have men losing concentration and falling overboard.” “Perhaps you haven’t looked at yourself in a mirror lately,” Ron commented, “but you should put yourself in the same category.” “You’re sweet,” Sam said brushing against him as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “And that’s another problem,” he said, looking down at a specific part of himself. “It’s totally out of control. It’s ready for action and you barely touched me. If it were the day before a full moon, that’s to be expected, but the next full moon is a ways off. I think I’m turning into some sort of sex manic. Emily and Caitlin caused a reaction the other night and they’re little girls.” 

This is the author handwaving “I´m not a pedo!” “They aren’t that little anymore,” Sam declared. “Their bodies are becoming more womanly every day. Besides, I don’t think that even calm, cool Harry could have handled what happened to you.” 

Why does this sound so creepy? “I wasn’t doing too badly watching them play Twister , although I had to turn away a few times,” Ron said. “Don’t they realize the view they afford when they get into some of those positions?” 

This sounds very misogynistic to me.  “I’m sure they do, but they don’t care. I have to admit that it bothers me a little knowing that my now smooth front will afford people a better view of me. I’m not nearly as comfortable with my body as the girls.”

Anyway, Sam promises Ron lots and lots of sex on the cruise while the girls will watch Timmy. 

Monday, August 8, 2005 8:00 AM “The Weasleys will be here any minute now,” Harry said anxiously. “Are one and all sure they have everything they need packed?” “Why are you insisting we take so much clothing?” Emily questioned. “We are permitted to be unclothed at all times aren’t we?” “When on the ship and at nude beaches, yes,” Hermione answered as she did a cleansing charm on Ben’s bottom and readied him for the trip. “But when we travel about the islands or go souvenir shopping, you will need to be dressed and not just by the concealment charm. I have qualms about any of us even using that anymore now that you girls have discovered yet another imperfection with it.” 

FFFFOOOOORESHADOOOOOWIIIIIING Crookshanks and Alfred both paced the room as if sensing that the family was shortly going to be deserting them. 

This is the first time we hear of them ever since the first fic, as the Suethor simply forgot about them since they´re not nudists - and that is really the reason he wrote!  “Can’t we take them with us?” Caitlin begged. “They’re going to be lonely.” “No we can’t,” Harry said emphatically. “Beside, they will be much more content here, where they have free rein to roam about our quarters and the castle grounds, than they would shut up in a ship’s cabin all day.” “You are sure that Professor Bell won’t forget to look in on them and see that they are properly fed?” Emily asked concernedly. 

Why does she suddenly care about them? “Katie loves animals,” Harry responded. “She’ll see to it that our pets are well taken care of.” As the others finalized their packing, Kim had been reading the cruise brochure and checking their itinerary with animated anticipation.

DAY    PORT                                                                           ARRIVAL                  DEPARTURE

1          Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, United States                                                               5:00 PM 2          Princess Cays                                                               9:00 AM                      4:00 PM 3          At Sea 4          St. Thomas                                                                   7:00 AM                      6:00 PM 5          St. Kitts                                                                        7:00 AM                      3:00 PM 6          Barbados                                                                      8:00 AM                      5:00 PM 7          Antigua                                                                         9:00 AM                      6:00 PM 8          St. Maarten                                                                   7:00 AM                      6:00 PM 9          At Sea 10        At Sea 11        Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, United States                           7:00 AM

I actually think he stole that from an actual brochure. 

“We’ll actually be anchoring at six different islands,” Kim stated with enthusiasm. “I’ve never been further away from home than Hogwarts.” 

And the description for some of them are copy pasted as well. Some, well, might as well be nowhere.  “I’m looking forward to having a wonderful time,” Hermione said as she began breast-feeding Ben.

Such an important detail. 

“Professor Potter, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why are we leaving so early?” Kim inquired. “Isn’t the United States’ east coast five hours behind us in time? If we leave at nine, it will only be four in the morning there, not even light yet.” “You’re correct,” Harry said rather perturbed. “The American Magical Authority, which is the counter part of our Ministry, insisted that we arrive before sun rise; less chance of us being seen.” 

What could possibly go wrong, again?  “What the hell are we going to do from four o’clock in the morning until five in the afternoon,” Emily blurted out. 

Well, you´ll soon see.  “Maybe we should spend the time teaching you to talk like a proper young lady,” Hermione suggested. “I’m sorry Mum, but that’s thirteen hours,” Emily said apologetically. Hermione looked concernedly at Harry. “Exactly what are your plans for all that time? she asked. “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Harry responded. “I rented a hotel room nearby, where we can all crash or watch the tele until checkout at eleven. Then we can head to the dock and board the ship. Even though we don’t sail until five o’clock, there will be food and drink available for us from noon, and we can take a tour of the ship.” “That sounds like a good plan,” Jamie said, tearing herself away from her latest epistle from Alex. 

-___-

At least we don´t hear any of the things in the letters. 

Cut for more copied brochure exposition. 

Then this:

Caitlin rushed to the door and ushered the Weasleys in. “Why are you dressed?” Timmy asked disappointedly. “I thought we were going on a nudie coose?” 

Timmy is one of the worst things in this fic. 

Also, note the inconsistencies in the way he talks.  “We are Timmy, it’s just that we can’t get comfortable until we’re actually on the ship,” Caitlin responded. Without warning, Timmy grabbed the hem of Caitlin’s tiny skirt in his hand and pulled it up to her waist. “Caitlin has no knickers. I can see her gina!” he shouted. 

NO.  Caitlin leaned over and lifted Timmy into her arms. “You, young man, are getting to be more and more like your Aunt Emily,” she said giving him a big hug. “Your mother better break you of that habit before you enter primary school in the village or all the little witches will be practicing hexes on you.” Ron looked at Caitlin and then around the room. He could not understand her and the others’ lack of reaction to what Timmy just did. Then he finally comprehended that this girl was normally naked, and that it didn’t bother anyone. Why was he so different? Why did it bother him? 

Because Ron is the only person with a sense of reason and is therefore demonised. 

Anyway, they all take the portkey. 

“Damn,” Harry murmured looking nervously around the room. Hermione could never get Benjamin into his harness quickly enough. Harry didn’t like sending the girls first, but he had no choice. Fortunately, Jamie was a powerful Mary Sue witch, so he figured that they’d be okay. 

If only he knew..... “Girls! Hurry! Over Here!” He shouted. “Each of you, hold onto the umbrella. Don’t worry! You’ll be fine. The Weasleys will be along in ten minutes and your mother and me shortly thereafter. Move at least twenty-five feet from your landing point, but don’t leave the area.” Jamie, Kim, Caitlin and Emily had barely clutched the old umbrella when Emily felt as though a hook just behind her navel had suddenly yanked her irresistibly frontward. Her feet left the floor; she could feel Caitlin, Jamie and Kim as their bodies bashed into hers; their legs becoming entwined as they sped forward in a howl of wind and whirling color; their hands stuck to the umbrella as though it was pulling them magnetically onward. Emily had only expected the trip to last a few seconds, but instead it was minutes before they finally slammed to the ground in a bruised entangled mess. “Emily, will you please get your privates out of my face,” Kim asked as if gasping for air. 

Remember that this is Hogwarts Exposed? “Caitlin never complains,” Emily retorted without thought and then looked nervously from Jamie to Kim and then Caitlin, hoping that in the confusion no one had heard her comment. Yeah, remember the incest scene from the last fic? I wish I forgot it. Neither Jamie nor Caitlin seemed to be paying her any attention as they disentangled themselves, but Kim had definitely heard her and was staring at her piercingly. 

Cut for a scene with Hermione, Harry and Ron talking about how the girls will be okay - with Ron having the last word:

“Hermione, they’ll be okay,” Ron said in his most reassuring voice. “What could possibly happen in ten minutes?” 

Tempting fate Ron, tempting fate....

“I wonder where exactly we are?” Caitlin said as she staggered to her feet. “That trip threw my equilibrium out of whack.” “Me too,” Jamie said leaning against a nearby wall. “Well, one thing is certain,” Emily commented. “Whoever programmed that Portkey has never actually been here.” “You’ve got that right,” Kim added nervously. “I understand transporting to a discrete location, but this is a dirty, filthy back alley.” “Yeah, I’m glad we won’t be alone here long,” Jamie said. “Lets move closer to the main street and more light. It’s eerie in here.” “Now you’ve gone and hurt my feelings,” a voice echoed from the shadows ahead of them. “This alley is our headquarters. Perhaps we should clean up, but most ain’t stupid enough to come here uninvited.” 

Yeah.  “And there are four of them,” a voice from behind commented. “One for each of us.” “I get the older one with the big titties,” shouted a third voice from the dark. 

Yeah, we suddenly get a gang of rapists for no other reason that sensationalism.  “Hey, they’re just kids,” said a fourth disembodied voice. “From the sound of them, from England and probably lost.” 

That is one of the most unrealistic things I have ever heard from a “gang member”.  “Lance, are you a faggot? ‘Cause if you are, how ‘bout suckin’ my dick,” the first of the boys to speak responded. “Pete, what is the name of our club?” “The ’Chasers’, Art. And you’re our president,” answered the boy who had commented about Jamie. 

Wow, the dialogue...it´s terrible.  “And what do the “Chasers” do, Phil?” Art asked his voice sounding as if he were extremely intoxicated. “We’re tit-and-pussy chasers.” Phil answered, laughing raucously as he stepped from the shadows and was soon joined by his compatriots. As the gang closed their circle on the girls, the one referred to as Art, snapped open a long switch knife and waved it menacingly. Jamie whispered softly to the girls, “Wands on three. One… Two… Three… 

Why doesnt Jamie just use magic immediately? Yeah, this is completely pointless, and will be an extended scene in the next chapter and it will never be brought up again afterwards.  End of Chapter One

Thankfully.

And I think it´s time for me to start the spitefic which I will use as a framing device for some of the chapters from now on:

Ebony Dark´ness Dementia Raven Way woke up. She was on a silver ground, surrounded by darkness, just like her middle name. She wore a white dress, too white, for her taste. 

She looked at herself in her reflection on the ground - she gasped. “I...I have no goffic make up on! What is happening!”

The last thing Enoby remembered was that everyone was in the Great Hall, surrounding her together for the final showdown against Vlodemint and da death deelerz. She had swung her wand and yelled “Avada Kedavra”, and now she was in this dark space, surrounded by darkness. 

Suddenly, a light came up - a familiar face came out of it. It was.......Gerard Way! 

“Gerard! I can´t believe its you, what is happening!” Ebondy cried out. 

Gerard spoke up with his goffic, ethnic voice: “We need you, Ebony, the times are dark. MCR has split up, and Hogwarts is in danger of Sues who may be more powerful than you. Especially one certain is the most dangerous one, and Draco is dating Ginny!” 

“That bitch!” Evony exclaimed. 

Gerard held his hand out, while a flame came out. It then showed a picture of a pale smiling girl with dark hair and green eyes, who obviously wasnt gothic. 

“This is Jamie Zacherley, she is the most powerful of them all. But in order to defeat her, you must go to other universes and destroy the other Sues there. The first Universe I´m sending you to might seem familiar - it is Hogwarts, but a much more preppy and sappy one in a eternal tube of HappyLand! It is reigned by Ariana Black, a Sue so powerful and annoying that everyone kisses her arse while everyone who doesnt is evil!” 

Suddenly, a portal opened, and Gerard guided her into it. “Take this”, Gerard said, giving her a black goffic wand. “This will help you against all the Sues you will have to fight. In the end, there can be only one!” 

Then he disappeared. 

Ebony whent through the portal. She was in the Great Hall, but everything was pink, sappy, and preppy. Ebony shuttered, but was now prepared for the worst. Then all the students came in to the hall. 

She gasped. 

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 23: The Seer

Welcome back to the sporking. I know it´s been a year since the last time, but I finally got the energy to continue. I hope to finish the sporking of the second to last chapter of the fic today already.

When we last left off, there was (yet) another cliffhanger, and I´ll just say it now, it´s the Moaning Myrtle, as she also had to be dragged into this dreck. As she died as she was still a virgin, she is curious to what Jamie and Alex are doing. It ends with this here:

Myrtle was reluctant to leave, but decided that a descriptive conversation was better than nothing. "You won't forget; you promise?" Myrtle practically begged. "I'll come visit you in your bathroom immediately after my last class," Jamie promised. "Would it be possible for him to drop the towel before I leave?" Myrtle asked, almost pleaded. "I don't think so," Jamie said. "Alex isn't a naturist. He's rather embarrassed for his privates to be seen." As Jamie was speaking, however, Alex did something extremely unanticipated. He loosened his towel and let it drop to the floor. "Myrtle, if it's all right with you, I'd like to come and visit you with Jamie tomorrow," Alex said. Myrtle stared at Alex, her face carrying an expression that actually resembled a smile as she stuttered, "Th... that would b... be nice," before disappearing, with a swooshing sound, down the drain. Jamie just stood staring at Alex and shaking her head. "You never cease to amaze me Mr. Ward. What possessed you to drop that towel and tell Myrtle you'd accompany me tomorrow?" "Everyone makes fun of her; calls her 'Moaning Myrtle'." Alex said. "Jamie, she was no older than us when her life was taken from her. She never got to experience love like we have. What if that had happened to one of us? And now she's destined to spend eternity in the Hogwarts plumbing system. "I feel sorry for her. If dropping my towel gave her a smile and made her existence more bearable, I'm glad I did it," Alex admitted unashamedly. Jamie had a tear in her eye. "Add another entry to the long list of reasons why I love you," she said. "Meet me in the middle of the bed, and I'll show you just how much."

Jamie is such a speshul and selfless Mary Sue that she wants to teach a ghost about Sex. Yeah. Right.

*barf*

* * * * * *

Cut for a very boring and dragged out scene with Harry and Hermione talking about their past, whether Caitlin and Emily are “done with it” and a reminder of the court case regarding Amanadas pregnancy.

* * * * * *

"I can't do this!" Ron grumbled. "People are only supposed to be naked when they have sex or take a shower. Not when they sit down to dinner."

I feel for Ron right now, even though this strawman dialogue is terrible and forced. "You never seem to have a problem with me being nude the majority of the time," Samantha protested. "That's because you're a girl, a very attractive girl. Girls look good naked, but it's gay for a guy to parade around like this," Ron argued. "What will Timmy think?

You can really feel here how much Neil hates Ron. "I don't know," Sam admitted. "I only know that if we're going on this cruise, you have to start somewhere and being nude at home in front of Timmy and me seems the logical first step." "Maybe this whole cruise thing was a bad idea. Perhaps we should just forget it and see if we can get our money refunded," Ron suggested. "Is that what you really want to do?" Sam asked, dejectedly. "I'll have Hermione check into it, if you like." One look at the disenchanted expression on Sam's face and Ron realized he couldn't back out. "It's just.... Look at me! I'm a tall scrawny, pile of freckles. Maybe if I was some Greek Adonis it wouldn't be so bad."

Cut for more boring. And then Timmy comments on how big Rons penis is. Oh G-d is this terrible....

Friday, February 18, 2005 10:00 AM "Do you have any idea why the change of location for the meeting?" Hermione asked as Severus and she hurried toward the conference room. "It was made to sound like it was being done out of deference to you," the Headmaster responded, "but I imagine it's more of a surprise inspection of the school." Is Neil trying to make already out of character Snape sound like Dumbledore?

"I'm sorry Severus," Hermione said guiltily. "I didn't mean to make trouble for you. It's just that I couldn't sit idly by and let Amanda be tossed out of school without even trying to prevent it." "There's no need for you to apologize," Severus said. "I totally support your viewpoint. I'm just concerned that this meeting may turn out to be more about Professor Granger than Amanda Pierce. Of course they will make this all be about Hermie Sue. The board was rather backed into a corner and compelled to keep you on after the Playwizard incident. They might see this as an opportunity to vent their frustration." 

Be prepared for a totally clichéed court case filled with Strawmen, even worse than the custody case earlier in this fic.  "Amanda doesn't have a chance of staying in school, does she?" Hermione asked, aggravation evident in her voice. "I can't believe the Board of Governors would use her to get back at me." 

Come on, we all know that she is going to stay.  "I doubt they would allow Amanda to remain under any condition," Severus answered. "Phineas Buster -___-  and his wife will, however, take great pleasure in making you think the outcome is because of you." Hermione came to a sudden stop. "If they've already made their decision, why are we wasting our time?" "Because they are bland moustache twirling villains who do this all for the LOLs Hermione, I believe in miracles, and I believe in you," Severus said, putting his arm around Hermione, encouragingly. "If anyone can pull this off, it's you." 

Things Severus would never say #9784553  "I wish I had your faith."

* * * * * *

12:15 PM "I believe that concludes all the business before the Board with the exception of the Amanda Pierce issue," Phineas Buster announced. "I move that she be immediately expelled. Those in agreement please signify." 

It´s time to find a gif that pretty much illustrates this character:

"Excuse me," Severus said interrupting Phineas, "Aren't we going to discuss the matter first? Professor Granger has been waiting in the outer chamber for over two hours to address the Board on the subject. The governors exchanged glances of varying surprise, most seemingly unaware that Hermione was planning to testify. 

Why were they, though?  "Yes, I received your owl stating that the learned Professor would like to address us," Mr. Buster said patronizingly, just as he paused to twirl his moustache. "I really feel it is a waste of our valuable time." "It most certainly would be," Balla Buster seriously?, concurred. "The little trollop got herself pregnant and thus must pay the consequences. Hogwarts is a school of witchcraft and wizardry, not a school of sin and fornication." 

Here we have the stereotypical puritan strawman. For the sake of the LOLs I´m gonna imagine her like Aunt Lydia. 

"But if Professor Granger has been waiting that lengthy a time to address us, we should at least afford her the respect of listening to what she has to say," Amelia Bones urged. Much to the chagrin of Phineas Buster, many of the other governors agreed with Ms Bones. He paused again to twirl his moustache. 

"Very well," Phineas said reluctantly. "Headmaster Snape, will you please ask Professor Granger to join us?" As Severus stood to go and get Hermione, Phineas commented not the least bit softly to his wife. "This should be good; the tart defending the trollop." 

As Hermione entered the room, she glanced at the faces of the twelve governors, trying desperately to hide her feeling of total despair. She´s so beautiful, it´s a curse! At age fifty, Amelia Bones was easily the youngest board member; she at least acknowledged Hermione with a smile. As introductions were made some of the others gave her a polite nod, others simply glanced at her grumpily.

Hermione had immediately recognized Professor Tofty and Griselda Marchbanks from her O.W.L. tests and was shocked to discover that Neville's grandmother was on the board as well. The balance of the members, she had never met before, but they all shared one commonality; they were, for the most part, ancient. 

Now, I myself am not that big on knowlegde on HP-lore, and therefore don´t know these names, but I find it really annoying the way Neil just puts in random names to show off his big knowledge and trying too hard to sound like JKR when writing. 

His writing sucks.  "Professor Granger, the Headmaster informs us that you would like to address us prior to our expelling of Amanda Pierce," Phineas Buster echoed in an irate voice. "Please make it brief since it is already past noon." Hermione had intended to maintain her composure, knowing that it would serve no good purpose to anger the governors, but the way this arrogant bastard addressed her made it sound like she was an annoyance and that Amanda was already out. "I'm sorry that you feel I am wasting your time," she said, addressing the entire board, but directing her gaze at Phineas Buster, "but I feel a young woman's future is of more importance than stuffing our faces. I'm sure you can survive." Hermione looked intently at Buster's portly stomach. 

Beauty equals goodness, after all.  Severus grimaced. He had doubted that Hermione had any prospect of convincing the board to allow Amanda to remain, but had hoped the meeting would at least be civil. Evidently, neither Phineas Buster nor Hermione intended to restrain him or herself. 

But Hermie Sue is of course in the right when she acts this way.  "We have to guard the reputation of the school," Balla Buster said, smugly. "Perhaps Miss Pierce should have been more concerned about her future when she decided to act as foolishly as she did. Your alzheimers is dangerous!" 

Snip.

Then this:

"They should abstain," Bella Buster it´s hard to know whether this is what Neil originally wanted to name Ballabuster, but for several paragraphs her name was “Balla”, and for the rest of this scene, it´s “Bella” - it really shows how bad Neils writing is and how bad his betas are. If these betas actually exist, that is.  bellowed. "In my day a young lady never considered having sex before marriage." Hermione studied Bella, who had to be at least one hundred fifty. "Was yours a prearranged marriage," Hermione asked. Bella was caught off guard and became flustered. "Well, yes, but what does that have to do with it? Brides were all virgins. Our generation had morals." "May I ask how old you were when you and Mr. Buster were married?" Bella dithered before finally saying, "Thirteen."

This is the first time we hear about this kind of young marriages in this Saga - and keep in mind, in this scene it is treated as wrong and oldstylish, but in the next fic Neil has no problem with a 13-14 year old girl having a relationship with a guy in his twenties. 

And cut to the end of the trial, with Draco saving the day and Amanada can remain in school despite her pregnancy. 

The next part I think is a proof of Neil being a fan of the Draco Trilogy:

Hermione ran to catch up with Draco. "Draco," she yelled. He stopped and turned toward her. "Thank you," she said, kissing him on the cheek. 

The Draco Trilogy all over again.  "Don't go all mushy on me, Granger. It's still me, Ole Draco. I've not suddenly become one of the good guys." 

"But what you did in there," she said, looking confused. "Nothing has changed. At some future meeting, we'll undoubtedly be at each others' throats again," Draco said dismissively. "Some things will never change. I'm a pure blood and you're a muggleborn." 

This sounds so forced. 

And also Neil desperately trying to portray Draco as “in-character”. Not to mention that the blood status here seems misplaced too, considering this canon where Draco was abandoned by Crabbe and Goyle etc.  "But..." "I was concerned that you might have a fit and end up quitting," Draco admitted. "You might be an insufferable, know-it-all, but you're too damn good a teacher to lose." 

-_-  Hermione simply smiled. "Protest all you want, but I think there still might be hope for you."

You´re in Hogwarts Exposed, all hope is lost by default here. 

* * * * * *

Cut for a  boring scene with Quidditch info that goes nowhere. 

Now we get back to the actual plot again:

"I think perhaps I should have listened to you," what 12 year old talks like that? Emily said in a conceding voice as they seated themselves at the long Slytherin table. "I'll change clothes immediately after breakfast." "What made you change you mind?" Kim asked. "My bare bum against the wooden bench. If there isn't enough skirt for me to sit on, it must really be short," Emily admitted. "It's a weird thing about being a nudist. I'm not the least bit bothered if anyone sees me totally naked or even gets a glimpse of my so called private parts, but it does bother me if people think I am purposely dressing to expose those areas." 

Besides the fact that she talks like an adult, these are all LIES. Emily lives only to be seen naked by others!  "Most people probably wouldn't understand, but I believe I do," Kim said supportingly. She has been assimilated. "You don't dress skimpily in order to be sexy, but rather just because you hate wearing clothes." Repeating this Mantra won´t make it true. 

"That's it," Emily said, relieved that Kim understood, "but most people can't identify with how naturists feel having to be clothed all the time." Emily looked around the Great Hall. "Fortunately for me, most people either ate early or are skipping breakfast today." 

The dialogue, as you might have noticed, gets worse and worse each chapter.  The Great Hall, which on a school day was always crammed with students grabbing a good breakfast before the start of classes, was normally much calmer of weekends due to many students and even staff opting to sleep in. That was either apparently especially true today or everyone had eaten early, because with only fifteen minutes left before the end of breakfast, there were only about fifty students total at the four house tables. 

I though there were classes on weekends too? Remember last chapter? The Slytherin table was especially empty with huge gaps separating those present. Dick Bancroft and his ever present shadow, Dennis Crow were seated at the end closet to the staff table, so naturally Emily and Kim had sat at the extreme other end. The only other Slytherins present were the Scary Sues Denise and Janice who were on the other side about two-thirds of the way down the table and Tyler, who was on their side about mid table, sitting alone. Emily and Kim were enjoying this relative privacy; using the time to talk about the cruise. Emily had just taken a sip of her orange juice when it happened. UUUUUUUHHHHH At first Kim thought the glass had slipped for Emily's hand and broken, but then she saw the blood and realized that Emily had crushed the glass. 

Now we get to the thing that is the next oh so big point of the main plot that is mostly tossed aside for the boring soap opera bits.  Emily seemed oblivious to her injury as she stood up from the table, blood dripping from her bleeding hand. Kim tried talking to her friend, but Emily appeared to be in a trance, not even aware of her surroundings. When Emily spoke; it was with a voice not her own, but deep and raspy and so loud that her words echoed through the Hall. 

Remember the plot point about Jamie and Emilys father being a “seer”, who apparently couldnt foresee his own death? And how he definately was the last in his line with this power?

Yeah, it´s Emily who is the seer in the prophecy. 

Here is the full prophecy - be prepared for Neils purple prose:

"THE STARS PROCLAIM THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST DARKLORD FROM THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS FOUR, THE GREAT LORD SLYTHERIN'S SPIRIT SHALL POUR. TWO OF HIS OWN, SEER AND HEIR, TWO OF HIS ENEMIES, HEALER AND HEIR, TWO DROPS OF EACH, NOT ANY MORE, WITH THEIR DEATH BY HIS HAND, TO HIS BODY HE WILL BE RETURNED, TO WALK THE EARTH A MORTAL MAN, BUT WHEN SLYTHERIN AND EVIL ARE JOINED, NOT EVEN THE COVENANT WILL BRING THE RESULT DOWN. THE DARKEST OF TIMES THEIR JOINING WILL BRING, SORROW AND PAIN WILL OFT BE THE FAME. MANY WILL DIE DREADING THE NAME, SALAZAR SLYTHERIN. THE WORLD WILL HAVE BUT ONE HOPE AND THAT IS TWO CUBED TO EIGHT WITH HEALTH AND SIGHT AND SPIRIT BRIGHT, THE HEART AND SOUL AND MIND WILL ADD THEIR WEIGHT BUT ONLY WHEN THE FLAMING DAUGHTER AND THE MOONCHILD JOIN THE FRAY WILL THE WORLD DEFEAT EVIL AND RETURN SLYTHERIN TO HIS GRAVE"

When she finished speaking, Emily collapsed to the floor in an epileptic type of seizure. Kim was at a loss as to what to do as her friend violently gyrated on the floor, shaking and tossing about. Since Emily and Kim had been seated on the wall side of the Slytherin table, none of the members of other houses were aware of what had happened to Emily. Of course. Yet no one could hear her oh so deep and loud voice. Most were discussing what she had said, thinking she had perhaps fainted and would be attended to by staff. That was until Denise yelled to her cousin. "Dick! Hurry, you can't miss this," Denise shouted. "Zacherley is having some sort of fit, she's tossing and turning about on the floor. Her skirt is nearly up to her waist and she doesn't have any knickers on." 

And no word about the prophecy. Neil, your writing sucks! Also shows how basically everyone in Exposed!Hogwarts is a perv.  You would have thought that she had announced that Honeydukes was giving away free candy. Not only Dick, but also every other student in the Hall, both male and female, ran frantically to witness the sight. But Tyler was nearest and, despite the fact that Emily hated him, he didn't hesitate to run and throw his body on top of hers to obstruct the other students from viewing her. "Her breasts," Kim shouted in panic to Tyler. He had successfully succeeded in covering Emily's lower extremities with his body and was doing his utmost to maintain that coverage despite her gyrations, but now her breasts were also exposed. Not knowing what else to do, he quickly covered them with his hands. "Just what type of perversion is going on here?" Professor Malfoy said, looking down scornfully at the couple on the floor. End of Chapter 23

Of course on a cliffhanger again. 

As always, I would like to thank those of you who took the time to review. Without your reviews I doubt the original Hogwarts Exposed story would have ever been finished, yet alone become a series.

Thank you also to my wonderful betas: Amber, Paul, Peter and Matt.

....who missed out the Balla/Belle inconsistency during the court hearing. 

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 2: An Old Friend Part 2

Welcome back. The last time we left off, the Sues - excluding Jamie - decide that their time on the nudist cruise will be spend as (underaged) singles. 

I hate this fic. 

"Will you guys hurry up?" Jamie urged. "It's traditional for all passengers to be topside when the ship casts off." "Sounds like another stupid tradition to me," Emily complained. "Especially, since we have to get dressed to do it."

SHUT UP EMILY, SHUT UP! 

Jamie didn't make any further comment thankfully, but rather just stood tapping her foot as Emily took her time dressing.

After they had finished lunch and toured the ship, everyone had returned to their staterooms to relax until it was time to set sail. Kim was already dressed, having chosen to stay that way. Actually, Kim would be quite content to remain clothed the entire cruise. She was dreading dinner. It would be her first time nude in front of a bunch of strangers, and she was extremely nervous.

You know, I really love how the other Sues go on and on to reassure Kim that it´s totally okay for her if she wants to remain clothed, yet all seem instantly more happy when she actually then takes her clothes off. 

"Come on girls," Harry urged. "You don't want to miss the ship casting off and leaving port."

Cut for more boring. Oh, and Ron is totally fascinated by how not everyone on board is attractive, and indicates a overweight man that Harry and Hermione met the previous year in France - that is like one of the very few times where non-attractive nudists are ever acknowledged. 

"May I have your attention please," the voice echoed over the public address system. "We have now cleared port. Although not required, except in the ship's four swimming pools, clothing is now optional in all areas of the ship. As long as you remain on board, clothing will not be required until our return to Fort Lauderdale. Anyone going ashore at our various ports of call will be required to dress appropriately."

Emily looked at her watch and then at Caitlin and Kim. "We have an hour until dinner; let's go for a stroll about the ship."

"Sounds like a plan," said Caitlin, who, like her sister had undressed upon returning to their quarters.

I´m surprised that it had to be mentioned that she was naked already. 

"Okay," agreed Kim, as she headed for the door.

"Didn't you forget something," Emily asked as Kim reached for the knob. "You're still dressed."

See what I mean?

"Oh! Yeah! How dumb of me," Kim said nervously, as she hesitantly started to remove her clothes. The moment she had been dreading had actually come sooner than dinner. In a matter of less than a minute, Kim was ready. At least, she was physically ready. She doubted she would ever be truly ready for what she was about to do.

For G-ds sake Kim, just remain dressed if you wish to be dressed! 

Without pause Caitlin opened the door and walked out into the corridor. Emily, bringing up the rear, practically pushed Kim through the door. As she heard the door click shut, Kim heart leapt to her throat. They were out in a public area and about to walk about the ship. Instinctively, one hand reached to cover her vagina and the other arm tried to cover her breasts.

"What are you doing?" Caitlin laughed. "This is a nudist cruise."

"She's right, Kim," Emily added. "All you're going to do by trying to cover yourself is draw more attention. Relax; we all have the same equipment."

I really hate this fic and its euphemisms. 

Kim left her arms fall to her sides and tried to relax, but that was much easier to say than do.

Much to Kim's relief, they made it to the lift without running into any other passengers. 'Maybe everyone is in their staterooms getting ready for dinner,' she thought to herself, not sure exactly what it would be necessary for a nudist to do in order to prepare for dinner.

You know, I kinda have a feeling that Neil never actually met any nudists in real life. 

Anyway, it´s time to meet Kim´s Love Interest/Relationship Sue! 

As the lift stopped at the Caribe deck so the deck is where the caribs live? and the doors open, Kim held her breath, but there was no one waiting to enter. Once again, she held her breath as they stopped at the Dolphin deck, only this time there was someone waiting to board the lift. It was the handsome boy that Kim had eyed in the serving line.

What a coincidence! 

He was alone, but fully dressed and Kim automatically went to cover herself. Emily and Caitlin, as if reading her mind, were too fast for her, each grabbing a hand and holding it to her side.

Why does this sound so creepy?

“You shall be assimilated!” 

"Hi," said the boy pleasantly. "You all certainly didn't waste anytime getting with the program. My name is Brian."

"I'm Emily, that's my sister Caitlin and this is our best friend Kim," Emily said.

Department of Redundancy Department 

"Nice meeting you," Brian said as the lift came to a halt at the Promenade deck and they all exited.

"I have to meet my parents now for dinner, but there is a teen social tonight. Hope to see, you and your friends there," he said, giving Kim a smile.

It is never mentioned how old Brian exactly is, but it is implied that he is around 16 - which doesn´t make anything better, especially if one knows about a scene that comes in a later chapter.....

"Talk about working fast," Emily said, after Brian was out of earshot. "Not even an hour out of port and you've already landed the best looking guy on the ship."

Again, Kim is around 13....

Kim would have blushed, but she had turned scarlet the moment Brian had entered the lift and she still maintained her pinkish glow. "He was talking to all of us," Kim said defensively.

"He might have been talking to us all," Caitlin agreed, "but he was definitely chatting you up."

"I can't believe he saw me naked," Kim said, physically shaking.

NAAAAAAKEEEEED 

"He's a nudist. I'm sure it was no big deal to him; he's probably seen hundreds of girls naked," Caitlin said reassuringly. "Besides it's a plus for you. Now that he's already seen you nude, you shouldn't be as nervous later tonight."

"You forget," Kim said, fretfully, "I'm not like you two. I'm the girl that actually likes to wear clothes."

Yet who still succumbs to the pressure to be naked by the other Sues. 

* * * * * *

Cut for boring - and Ron still feels awkward about being on the cruise. 

Anyway, they are all in the dinner room, and Kim feels like everyone is staring at her, and tries to concentrate on the food, as is Ron. 

Then this happens: 

The only time he looked up was when Sam mentioned that the same young couple was looking their way. Ron glanced at them quickly and then, for no explicable reason, waved at them. Much to both his and Sam's shock, the couple smiled broadly and waved back.

This is the introduction to a very stupid subplot that goes nowhere, if one looks at it in the context of the whole fic. 

After dinner the adults returned to their rooms and decided to call it an early evening. Taking the time change into account, and all the emotional turmoil, it had been a long exhausting day. The girls, however, weren't sleepy and decided to check out the teen mixer that Brian had mentioned. Kim wanted to see Brian again, but was thwarted in her efforts to get the other girls to agree to slip on some clothing.

Did Kim really think that this would work?

"The brochure says nudist cruise," Emily reminded Kim. "No one is stopping you from putting clothes on LIES LIES LIES, but this girl isn't going to except when absolutely necessary."

"I'm sorry Kim. I'm with Emily," Caitlin said. "This is our holiday; our chance to be ourselves."

As if anyone is actually stopping them from being themselves on Hogwarts, where everyone basically worships them. 

"Being Emily and Caitlin's best friend doesn't come with a requirement that you be a naturist," Jamie said, putting her arm around Kim. "If you'd be more comfortable wearing a little then by all means, do it. None of us is going to coerce you into practicing naturism."

Shut up Jamie, you´re the one who started this nudist cult in the first place! 

Once more, Kim was faced with the decision to either dress or not. And once more, she halfheartedly chose to emulate her best friends.

Grow a backbone, Kim. 

"Remember, if at any time you change you're mind, its fine with us," Emily said. Caitlin agreed.

 L I E S L I E S L I E S 

With that out of the way, the girls quickly headed for the teen center.

Although Kim still felt anxious, she at the same time felt somewhat relieved. This had been her decision and if worse came to worst; she knew she could wear clothes anytime during the cruise. She kept trying to convince herself that this was something she wanted to do.

So she is getting assimilated. 

When they reached the correct deck, it was easy to find the teen center. All they had to do was walk toward the blaring music. While there was a dance floor, no one was dancing; instead they were competing against the sound system and trying to hold conversations.

They had no more than entered the crowded room when Jamie waved excitedly. "Look! It's Chantal and Felicite," she shouted.

We know what´s coming. 

Jamie had met these two girls last summer at Cap d'Adge, and had become fine friends with them. Why are we being told this again? I mean, I guess most of the people who read this fic back when it came up on Schnoogle already read the previous two fics.... After everyone said hello and introductions were made, Emily, Kim and Caitlin stood listening in awe as Jamie conversed with the two girls in fluent French.

MARY SUE DETECTED BEEP BEEP BEEP

For the most part, they didn't understand any of the conversation, only picking up on an occasional word here and there until Emily and Caitlin heard Felicite unmistakably say 'Roz' and point toward the far side of the room.

I told you so. 

Isn´t it really bizarre how the nudist cruise - which started in Florida, of all places, mind you - is filled with most of the people who regularly go to Cap d´Agde?

End of Chapter Two

****

Ebony was really creeped out by the place she had jumped in to - it wasnt just the fact that CWC was written all over every sign, roof, and wall, but that there otherwise was something really off about everything. She saw no people outside. 

As she walked through the street, someone seeming whispered to her. 

“Hey, you there!” 

Ebony looked around, and saw a dark shadowed corner where the voice came from. She walked inside. 

She saw several people hiding there, behind a trashcan. 

“What are you doing here? And what is this place? And what does CWC stand for?” Ebony asked them. 

We are all gays and lesbians, and we are hiding from the creepy hedgehog monstrosities who serve their master, Christian Weston Chandler. Since he got hold of the city of Charlottesville through unknown means with his creatures, everything has gone downhill, and he persecutes LGBT-people!” 

“How horrible!” Ebony said, and gasped. 

“And all Chris Chan, as this maniac calls himself, wants, is to find himself a Boyfriend Free Girl. He wants to own every white girl he can find, and he has killed several young men because he thinks that they are taking girls away from him!” one of them said. 

Another one then said “The leader of the resistance, Mary Lee Walsh, has gone underground, and is trying to figure out how to dethrone him. She has had several battles with him and his right hand, Sonichu, one of his hedgehog monstrosities.” 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WILL IMMEDIATELY REPORT THIS TO CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER, ANOTHER HIDEOUT OF HOMOSEXUALS HAS BEEN FOUND!” 

Ebony looked around - it was a purple creature, unbelievingly ugly and did not look like a hedgehog. 

“Oh no, this is Magichan! We are all going to die!” one of them said, crying. 

Ebony knew what she had to do. 

She took out her wand and yelled AVADA KEDAVRA at the creature, making it explode. 

Everyone cheered around her. 

“You did it, you finally did it!” 

To be continued.....

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 2: An Old Friend Part 1

So, it´s been a while, but so many things have happened, but now I´m finally done with my masters thesis. Now let´s go back into the travesty that is the Hogwarts Exposed Saga. 

When we last left off, the Sues had portkeyed to Fort Lauderdale, only to be apprehended by a gang of rapists. Yeah. 

But, as if knowing what to expect, each boy leapt toward a different girl on the count of three, knocking his respective target to the hard asphalt covered ground. Art had targeted Jamie and held her menacingly against the ground, his knife at her throat. "If you try anything like that again, I'll slit you in two from your skinny neck right down to your cunt. Get the message?" I´m kinda surprised that Jamie Sue wasnt able to fight back, given that she is so powerful. 

"Art, something is weird about these girls," Phil said, holding out Caitlin's wand to Art. "These three were all carrying sticks like this in holsters attached to their leg." "Where is your little stick Miss Big Tits? "Art asked as, without warning, he lifted Jamie's skirt above her waist. Momentarily he froze; then as he rubbed his fingers over her mound said, "You and I are going to have lots of fun."

Just in case you forgot that this is Hogwarts Exposed.  "Guys, check out this bitch!" Art yelled as he forced Jamie to her feet, her skirt still gathered to her waist. "No panties and not even a trace of stubble anywhere on her pussy or ass."

I hate this fic.  "These two don't either," yelled Phil and Pete. "This one is a smooth as a baby," voiced Lance.

A smooth what? Kim stared at the severely pockmarked Lance. Other than knocking her to the ground, he hadn't touched her and had no way of knowing what he had just declared.

That doesnt mean anything.  "Gentlemen, we are about to have a party," Art declared, "but not here. Let's take these ladies across the street to the parking garage where we can see them better." "What about the sticks they were carrying?" Phil inquired. "Just toss them," Art instructed. "They're probably some new type of stunner or spray. I don't intend to fuck up my night with them. You guys lead the way with your lady friends. "And ladies… don't try anything. I'll have my knife at 'Miss Big Tits' back the entire time. One mistake on your part and she'll be making a visit to the morgue."

In case you haven´t noticed, all of Neils bad guys sound the same. 

Meanwhile, the others portkey to Fort Lauderdale as well and can´t find the girls, except for their wands. 

Emily had never felt so scared and vulnerable in her entire life. As they crossed the street, a number of automobiles sped by, but the drivers evidently were in too much of a rush to notice the terror on her face. A taxi slowed down, but Art waved the driver on. When they reached the garage, Phil yanked open a metal door leading upstairs. Caitlin screamed, as his hand reached out and prodded her butt. He shoved her face first into the cement steps. "Scream again bitch and you've had it," he threatened.

Isnt Caitlin supposed to have these superior Sue Powers due to her being a Hyperempath, that can make her torture everyone with her mind as she pleases?

Why isnt she using that now? "For Christ's sake, leave her alone," Lance said. "Let's just grab their dough and get the hell out of here before someone tips off the cops!"

In case you haven´t noticed, Lance is Neil´s self insert Mary Sue here, the token good guy of the rapist gang.  "You are a fucking fag!" Pete declared, ripping off Emily's skirt with one hard yank. "This looks like prime stuff to me. No way am I going anywhere before I fuck this hairless little bitch. Besides, shit for brains, do you see any pocketbooks?" "You got that right. Look at these boobs!" Art said, ripping Jamie's top off as easily as if it were made of tissue paper. "You don't think I'm going to pass up the opportunity to suck on these babies, do you?"

I have a feeling that Neil is speaking through Art as well.  "Don't worry," Lance whispered in Kim's ear, "I won't hurt you."

That doesnt sound creepy at all in a situation like this. Not.  "But what about them?" Kim begged softly, her eyes glistening. "They're my friends. Please don't let this happen." Lance looked helplessly at Kim, as she stared at Caitlin, who lay motionless on the stairs, blood trickling from a gash on her forehead where her head had made contact with the rigid cement.

Caitlin, use your Sue Powers dammit.  Pete brandished a fifth of whiskey and after taking a swallow shoved it in Emily's face, slopping it all over her. "Stop wasting that stuff," Art yelled. "What's the matter, think you're too good to party with me?" Pete grabbed Emily by the back of the neck. "Open your mouth," he hissed. Digging his fingers into her neck, he pulled her head back. Finally she gave in and opened her mouth. He poured the whiskey slopping it in her face and forcing her to swallow. Emily gagged, but resisted heaving. "You're a sloppy little bitch," he said, ripping her shirt open and wiping her face with it. "Damn, I can't wait to stick my shaft in your little gold mine. FUCK YOU NEIL Phil, hold her for me." Cut for more creepy rape build up. 

"Jesus, she's pissing on herself," Pete said, drawing his hand away, but only momentarily. The vision actually seemed to be exciting him as he quickly unzipped his pants. His penis in his hand, he started to lower himself on Emily.

Neil has some really creepy fetish with peeing, if you haven´t noticed. And it´s getting worse in a few chapters on..... Then, just as his body was about to make contact with Emily's, he let out a terrifying scream and grabbed his head with both hands. Blood was covering both sides of his face and his body was writhing in agony.

Why did it take so long for Caitlin to use her Sue Powers again?  "What the fuck!?" Art yelled, no longer paying attention to his captive, Jamie. "What just fuckin' happened?" Jamie now had the opportunity she had been waiting for. She hastily removed her wand from the invisible sheath she had been given by Mr. Ollivander for saving his shop. Why didnt she do this immediately when the rape gang appeared in the first place?  "STUPEFY! STUPEFY! STUPEFY!" she yelled in quick succession as she pointed her wand and shot red beams of light at Art, Phil and Pete in turn. But when she turned to Lance, Kim stepped in her path.

What is it that makes Lance so different from the others?

* * * * * *

The others try to find the girls, and suddenly Hermiones gets to make hyperempathic contact with Caitlin. 

"Their okay," she finally said. "It was touch and go for a bit, but everything is under control now."

I repeat: it would not have gotten this ugly if Caitlin had used her Sue Powers on them earlier!  Harry, Ron and Sam stared at her. "Caitlin?" Sam finally asked. "Did she just contact you telepathically?" Hermione, nodded. "Her Sue powers are unbelievable when she concentrates on using them. There is a parking garage across the street. They're on the top floor. We should try to get there before the magical reversal people arrive." They hurried to the mouth of the alley and then practically ran across the street and up the stairs of the garage. When they reached the roof, they momentarily all froze as they absorbed the sight before them. Kim was standing talking animatedly to a youth who was wearing what appeared to be a gang jacket. This is the first actual descrition we get of them. Three other youths, dressed similarly, were lying unconscious and tied securely. Jamie, Caitlin and Emily seemed to be reassuring each other, their clothes either partially on and torn or not on at all. "MUM! DAD!" Emily shouted as she ran toward them. "IT WAS AWFUL!"

Yeah. 

But given that this is Hogwarts Exposed, not really surprising. 

And in general, rape is not a thing that should be used for angst or shock value in fiction - it´s just wrong! 

"Mum, I know it was wrong," Caitlin cried. "You warned me about using my Hyperempathic powers to injure, but I had no choice. He was about to rape her! I couldn't let that happen… she's my sister… I love her.

Caitlin, this was pretty much a situation of self defense, and you could have avoided most of the rest if you used your Sue Powers earlier.  "They all thought I was unconscious, but I wasn't. I was concentrating, trying to reach you, but you hadn't arrived yet. He had getting ready to… oh god, you know… then I remembered the knife they were using. I visualized it slashing his face on both sides, and immediately he was screaming and blood was gushing from the slashes I had given him through my thoughts." Hermione looked toward the boys to see which had been slashed. "He healed as soon as I stopped visualizing hurting him," Caitlin explained.

Apparently Caitlin is such a pure Sue that she couldnt even kill the guy who was raping her sister.  Hermione put her arm around Caitlin. "I know what you think you did was horrible, but listen. You have been given a gift, a powerful gift that is capable of both saving lives and taking them. Your choice to only hurt him when you could have just as easily killed him shows get strength of character. Your Dad and I are both very proud of you. Use your Mary Sue Powers wisely, my Child!" "I imagine that is your handiwork?" Harry asked Jamie as he studied the unconscious and bound gang members. Jamie nodded her head. "Once Caitlin had them distracted, it was easy to get to my wand. Muggles don't stand a chance against magic."

The last sentence sounds kinda creepy.  "That is why under normal circumstances it should never be used against them. I think, however, that in this case the use was certainly justified. What about him?" Harry asked, indicating the boy talking to Kim. "He seems different from the others," Jamie answered. "He didn't touch Kim and even tried to talk the others into letting us go."

And now we move to the most disgusting aspect of this completely pointless sub plot - the portrayal of Lance as the main victim of this entire thing!  Lance was speaking in a soft voice to Kim. "I've never been with a girl, even on a date or anything. Girls won't have anything to do with me. I can't help my face; it's so ugly. But I wouldn't ever want a girl that didn't want me. Do you think a girl like you would ever want to go out with me?"

Why the fuck are they talking about this, just right after attempted mass rape? "Yes," Kim said. "If you were nice to her, and protected her, a girl would want to go out with you."

Shut up Kim -_-  Lance stared at Kim for a minute, trying to decide if she meant it, or was just lying to make him feel better. What possessed her to do it, she'd never know, but Kim kissed him, and then ran to talk to Caitlin leaving the boy standing dumbfounded.

Neil´s wish fulfillment  After a few minutes of conversation with Harry and Hermione, Kim returned to Lance with Caitlin by her side. "Lance, my friend Caitlin has Sue powers that are uncommon even among our people," Kim said. "I've asked her to try something, something that could change your life. Will you trust us?" "Yeah," the youth said without hesitation. "I trust you." "I've never tried to do anything like this," Caitlin said. "I have to touch you; actually run my hands across your face. It won't hurt. Whether I'm successful or not, it won't hurt."

So....she´s turning him into a frog? Lance nodded his head. He wasn't sure what these girls had in mind. He was still trying to deal with the information that witches actually existed and that Kim and her friends actually were.

And yeah, they won´t wipe his mind afterwards.  Caitlin began to run her fingers and palms against Lance's skin, akin to a sculptor working with clay. She missed not a spot as her fingers caressed his nose, ears, checks and neck, every part of his head. Then for the briefest time, hideous scares and pockmarks invaded her face. Subsequently, as fast as they came, they were gone.

So she turns him beautiful with her Sue Powers. Because Beauty equals Goodness. 

"I think you'll find the girls quite eager to kiss you now," Kim said, gazing at Lance with appreciation. "Be careful though in your choices. You, better than anyone, should know that outer appearances don't necessarily portray the person within."

Barf.  "What did you do?" Lance questioned. "She gave you a second chance," Harry said. "One of the prime excuses you had for falling into the company of these scoundrels no longer exists. Leave now while you still can, with the memory of what has transpired intact. Remember what has happened, but tell no one, else you will be considered by them a liar and a fool. Now get out of here."

Easily forgiven. 

I hate this fic.  Lance looked in turn at Harry, then Caitlin and finally Kim. "I wish I were a part of your world," he said smiling. "I'll never forget you," he added as he turned and ran down the stairs.

I wonder if Neil ever planned on having this cardboard stand return as a possible love interest for Kim. 

Because he certainly never appears again or is ever mentioned again after this chapter.  The boy had barely disappeared from sight when two loud pops, announcing the arrival of members of the American Improper Use of Magic office disturbed the early morning quiet. "What the hell happened here!?"

* * * * * *

The American Accidental Magic Reversal Squad, once they arrived, had been quick to put everything back into its proper order. The three gang members had their memories adjusted, and were portkeyed to the scene of a staged robbery, where they were taken into custody and charged by Muggle police. Obviously, under the circumstances, it was impossible to charge them with the crimes they had actually committed against the girls, but this way they would at least serve deserved jail time.

Well, yeah. 

Cut for more boring talk, including Harry talking about cancelling the trip, only for the Sues to object. 

"I actually prayed to die rather than have them touch me," Jamie sobbed. "I didn't want to leave the shower after I finally got in. I felt like I could never wash the stench of him off my body. But now I realize I have to put it behind me. It's over. Concentrating on it will only soil the future and continue giving our attackers power over us."

Neil, this isnt how trauma works -_-  "Never pray to die," Caitlin said, hugging Jamie. "That summer when Hooch attacked me and I was abandoned in the woods, I prayed for a fast death. God knew better and didn't answer my prayer. Now I have you, all of you." She looked from one to the other. "I have horrible memories in my past, but my present with all of you makes them bearable. You can never forget atrocious things like what happened today, but you have to go on and savour the positive things life offers."

Caitlin only ONCE acted like a girl who was raped by another woman, and that was when a naked Jamie dragged on her. After that, nope, she never acted like that again, exept for that one “agony of the stick” scene that never was mentioned before and never got mentioned again afterwards.  Kim had sat quietly as everyone commented. Then as tears burst from her eyes, she spoke. "Maybe what happened today was for a greater purpose. I'd like to think it was to give a person a second chance at life. I'm hopeful that because of us, Lance's life will change.

Yeah, yeah yeah, after a gang tried to mass rape you all, Lance is surely the main victim here. I hate this fic.  "People can affect other people's lives, you know. You've all affected mine." She looked from person to person, her eyes finally stopping on Emily. "Before, I met you, I tried to kill myself three times. I was getting better at it. I think if I had tried one more time, I might have succeeded. But you stuck your nose into my life and turned it upside down, or maybe in my case, right side up."

Well, the Mirror of Ytidun said so.  Caitlin, Emily and Jamie stared thunderstruck at Kim, as did Harry and Hermione. She had never before revealed this information about herself to them. "Ruffians like we met today are no different than terrorists," Kim stated. "They are cowards that strike the innocent and defenseless. We can't let our lives be directed by such lowlifes."

Again, this is not how trauma works! 

This section ends with this:

"We're also hungry," Emily announced. "Do you think this place has room service?"

* * * * * *

Although certainly not able to remove the morning's experience from their minds, the girls all left the hotel with a determination that they would not allow it to ruin the holiday they had looked so forward. As they squeezed into two cabs for the short trip to the dock, Hermione shushed Emily when she suggested that perhaps her Mum should put an enlargement charm on the interior. When they passed the parking garage, Caitlin and Jamie exchanged nervous looks and reached for each other's hand, sure that Emily and Kim in the other cab were sharing similar feelings.

This is the last time the whole incident is mentioned. Afterwards, the Sues act as if it never happened, and as said earlier, Lance is also never mentioned again. 

And I wonder, why the hell was this portion in this fic in the first place?

What was the purpose on it? What effects is this going to have on the rest of the fic? 

I guess it was used for the same reason why Caitlin and Hermione were molested by Madam Hooch - pure sensationalism. 

"Why did those two blokes look at us so strangely?" Ron asked as the two cabs pulled away.

Foreshadowing.  "Think about it," Sam said. "The drivers were Muggles and they just transported ten people to a dock to go on a cruise." "Yeah! So what's the problem?" Ron asked. "I think they were rather confused by the fact that we had no luggage for a ten day cruise." Sam answered. "Oh my!" exclaimed Hermione. "I should have thought about that." She looked carefully around. "Harry, you and Ron best enlarge our luggage before we board the ship. It might be a nudist cruise, but I'm sure it will seem very strange if we appear to have no luggage."

Occasionally you forget that this is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfiction, more so than with My Immortal, of all things.  "Is that our ship?" Kim asked wide-eyed. "It's beautiful." "That's it," Harry said. "The Sun Princess. It is ten years old, but as beautiful as the day it was launched."

He used the name of an actual ship.  "It is pretty," Emily agreed, "and extremely big. I can envision getting lost very easily."

Cut for more boring, they check in, and the section is including a throwaway character named Bill.

As Bill guided them to the lift, Jamie pulled Hermione aside. "Just two of us to a room? Does that mean that Alex and I would have had our own room together for ten days if he had decided to come?" Hermione gave Jamie an 'I'm sorry' smile and nodded her head. Jamie shook her head. "I'm going to kill him. When I see Alex Ward in September, I'm going to literally kill him." She didn't mean it, but was just frustrated that they had missed this wonderful opportunity to be together.

We never get to know why Alex didnt get to come, and as we never actually see Jamie go after Alex, this was just very pointless. 

So, the Sues are then having lunch, and then we get introduced to Kims actual love interest:

Between bites, Kim was checking out a very handsome boy who had just joined the serving line. "We're here to have fun, right?" she said. "Let's make a pact that anything that happens the next ten days stays on the ship."

Kim is around 13. You´d be forgiven for forgetting this, given the way they all talk.  "Sounds to me like someone intends to cheat on Randy," Caitlin said kiddingly.

You forgot that Kim and Randy were a thing? You´re not the only one, given how forgettable and pointless Randy is in the first place.  "Not so much cheat as have fun," Kim explained. "Randy would most likely get upset if he even knew I talked to another boy."

Again, we know next to nothing about Randy, except that his name is Randy and that he hangs out with Matt, whose character gets assasinated later in this fic.  "Yeah!" Caitlin agreed. "Matt's the same way. He's really special to me, but he can be rather possessive at times."

This is the first time in the entire Saga that this is established. Neil, there is something called show, don´t tell!  "Does that mean that we're four single underage girls on the prowl for a good time this week?" Emily asked. "Make that three girls," Jamie corrected. "And be careful how good a time you have. Remember you guys are all underage."

For once, I agree with Jamie. Yeah, I can´t believe I actually typed this.  "Gee Sis! Get a grip," Emily said. "I didn't mean anything like that. I just meant swimming, dancing, fooling around. After what happened this morning, I'm sure none of us are thinking about sex."

And then it´s never even hinted at again. 

Also, you most likely already noticed how Emily is the one of the Sues that basically only talks about sex - yet in a few chapters it is suddenly established that she doesn´t know how children are made. 

I hate this fic.  "You got that right," Caitlin said, and Kim agreed.

So, I can´t bear any of this any more today. 

But lets return to the framing device:

“Ha, that was rather easy!”, said Ebony after she had eliminated Ariana Black and all her cheerleaders. Suddenly Gerard Way appeared in front of her. 

“So, I finished up this preppy poser!” said Ebony, “where do you want me to go now?” Gerard then opened up another portal. “The place I want you to go now and defeat the Sues is very dangerous. It is a world so terrible, not even you can comprehend what is happening.” 

Ebony then jumped sexily into the portal. 

She then found herself in a very colorful and cheerful place. It was a very colorful city, and “CWC” was written on everything, even the roofs. 

Ebony wanted to vomit.