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duhragonball · 4 years ago

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Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 57-61

This is the “Wizardry” arc.

I don’t know why it just now occurred to me, but there’s more than a hint of the Joker in the Major’s character. He’s always grinning, and now we have him dancing on a blimp while enemy helicopters are firing on him.

The Doctor shits a brick over this, because the arrival of the Vatican’s 9th Crusade force is the first serious resistance that Millennium has encountered since they invaded London. He begs the Major to come back inside and move their airship to safety, but the Major is too preoccupied with dancing like a goofball. Up to this point, the audience must have been eager to see someone take a poke at the Major. I know I was, if only to see what sort of powers he had. I mean, he hasn’t aged a day, but he doesn’t seem to be a vampire, so what’s his deal?

But before we can find out, the helicopter that was about to shoot him gets torn apart by magic wires. Wait... that sounds like...

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNNN!

Yeah, Walter’s switched sides. He’s also younger-looking too, so this must be what Schrodinger was talking about when he told Zorin that the Major and Doctor had a new “toy”. They were too busy turning him into a vampire to bother punishing Zorin for disobeying orders. In the previous chapter, the Major asked about using Walter (without mentioning him by name), and the Doc said something about the rushed nature of the job. Presumably, the Doctor was doing the artificial vampire treatment on Walter all through the night, while Seras and the Wild Geese were defending the mansion.

What I’ve never been sure of is whether this was a spur-of-the-moment decision, or if Millennium approached Walter a long time ago, and Walter’s been their mole in Hellsing throughout this entire story. The Major’s line here seems to suggest this was a long-term plan. “I had already decided half a century ago. The Death’s Head [the Nazi SS skull insignia] is a fitting match for the Angel of Death [Walter’s old Hellsing codename].”

But that could just mean the Major thought of the idea way back then. He saw Walter and Alucard wrecking all his stuff in World War II and thought “This kid would be a good recruit someday!” But when did he make the pitch? Was it last night? Before the Valentines’ attack? Before Arthur Hellsing’s death? Before the end of the war?

I think it’s reasonable to assume that Walter was on board at least before he parted ways with Integra back in Chapter 39. The Captain suddenly showed up, and he told Integra to take the car and flee, because he wasn’t sure he could defeat the Captain and he didn’t want her around in case he failed. But it’s much more likely that he only said this to keep her from finding out that he had a rendezvous with the Major, who arrived soon after.

Now that I think about it, this may be the only reason the Major sent his troops to capture Integra. He wasn’t particularly concerned about her, but he knew Walter would be with her, and he wanted to get him to the Doctor as quickly as possible. This may also be why he ordered Zorin Blitz to hold off on attacking the Hellsing mansion. If Walter had been inside, Zorin wouldn’t have known about his allegiance, and it’s very likely that one might have killed the other.

Actually, yeah, this is why the Major fired those rockets on the Hellsing mansion in the first place. If Walter was there, he would know the attack was coming, and use the attack to cover his departure. Then Zorin probably would have been ordered to give him a lift back to the Doctor. But Walter wasn’t home, and Zorin didn’t wait for orders, and Seras turned out to be much too powerful for her.

Wow, this is like peeling an onion. That must be what the Major meant when he chided Zorin for costing him “precious soldiers.” Her reckless tactics got her and her company killed, but she might have also wrecked his plans to extract Walter, and it’s only a matter of luck that he happened to be at the naval base instead of the mansion. And we know that Zorin knew nothing about Walter, because Schrodinger only hinted about him without mentioning his name. If Zorin had known, he would have just said “Yeah, we’re turning Walter into a vampire right now, no thanks to you.”

Anyway, Walter’s betrayal fascinates me, but also fuck you, Walter, you traitorous piece of shit.

Speaking of treachery, the 9th Crusaders are busy shooting the shit out of London, killing anything that survived the previous night. Millennium is a threat, sure, but Maxwell sees this as an opportunity to conquer England for the Catholic church. I’m not really sure “conquer” is meant literally. I think it’s more like, Hellsing and the Iscariot Organization have some treaty, and I think that treaty applies to their respective governments as well, but the civilian governments might know nothing about it. Maybe?

What I’m saying is that I think this 9th Crusade is supposed to end with the overthrow of the Anglican Church in the United Kingdom, with a new Catholic-leaning regime in its place, so that the Pope would have the same influence over the U.K. that he apparently has over continental Europe.

In that sense, I’m pretty sure Hellsing’s version of John Paul II didn’t order Maxwell to gun down civilians and shout “Die did die die!” over a loudspeaker. He may not have been terribly worried about Protestant casualties, but there’s plenty of Catholics living in London, after all. Maxwell doesn’t seem to care, and I think it’s clear that he’s exceeding his mandate.

And Alexander Anderson knows it. I think the whole Catholic contingent in this story knows that Maxwell’s gone too far, but Anderson’s the only one honest enough to say it out loud. Anderson’s group is still escorting Integra home when the 9th Crusade attacks, and Integra accuses Maxwell of betraying her, but Anderson remarks that such backstabbing is typical in war. So it’s not Maxwell’s duplicity that offends him, it’s the way he’s going about it. When Anderson kills people, he’s doing it to serve God, and God alone. Maxwell’s not serving God at all.

“All you’re serving is his power!!” Anderson says. By “his” does Anderson mean Satan? Millennium? Mars, the god of war? Maybe all three, or maybe it doesn’t matter. I always thought Maxwell was serving his own power, but the point is that he’s not doing God’s will by any stretch of the imagination.

But the others still respect the chain of command. Archbishop Maxwell is in charge of the 9th Crusade and the Iscariot Organization, and Heinkel reminds Anderson that they were ordered to capture Sir Integra, not escort her home. So they all draw their guns on Integra, resulting in the most Integra panel ever.

Then Seras shows up and beats all their asses. Yeaaaaahhhhh! Seras, you’re doing amazing, sweetie!

Everyone’s like “Oh shit, it’s Seras Victoria!” like they’re gonna try to fight her, but Anderson can tell that Seras is now way out of their league. Remember, this group of Iscariots fought some Millennium troops and half of them were killed. Seras tore through about as many Milennium troops without much hassle at all, and that was before she drank Pip’s blood.

And Anderson spares some words of praise for his foe. I guess this is like the owner of a Ford truck exchanging compliments with the owner of a Chevy truck. “You’re a rat bastard, Chevy man,” he says, “but those are some fine Truck Nutz” you have dangling from your tow hitch.” They’re never gonna be pals, but real recognizes real.

Also, I just think Seras looks super extra-cool in this moment. Anderson kind of treated her like a joke before, but now he sees her as a peer. She looks so dark and haunted now, and at the same time she’s more comfortable and sure of herself than we’ve ever seen her. Seras never set out to become a vampire, but she’s still found herself on this path. It’s scary and beautiful at the same time.

But never MIND that SHIT, here comes...

No, not Maxwell, Alucard is returning! I just used this page because Maxwell’s reaction to the news is more interesting than gloomy images of a ruined carrier drifting up the Thames river.

There’s a moment in the Hellsing Ultimate anime, right after Seras and Anderson turn to look, where she’s got this big grin on her face, and she goes “I can feel it. He’s returning.” It’s not in the manga, maybe because it’s not that important, but I’m a sucker for any Seras content, and I love that moment because she can sense Alucard at a distance now, and it’s a very pleasant experience. For Seras, I mean. I suspect it’s actually a very bonechilling, bloodcurdling sensation, but Seras has gone Full Goth, so she digs that sort of thing now.

I don’t know how the hell Anderson can sense Alucard, though. Maybe being a Regenerator gave him super smelling powers, like Wolverine.

And even the Major is pleased, because now we finally have all the major players in the same city. Not sure why the Captain rates an appearance here, when he never says a word, but we’ll run with it.

So, up to now, we’ve had these 9th Crusaders lined up against Millennium soldiers, each cosplaying as troops from old wars. I guess Millennium’s SS uniforms have hint of legitimacy to them, as these guys really were part of the SS back in World War II, before they became vampires. But the point stands, they’re walking anachronisms and they know it.

But then Alucard jumps in between them, practically giddy for a chance to participate in this war. Not to be outdone, Anderson and the Captain perform similar Iron Man landings on the same street. When I watched the OVA, this was about the point I started to wonder if I had missed something about the Captain, because this story has been hinting that he’s like Millennium’s strongest guy, and somehow on par with Anderson and Alucard, even though he hasn’t said anything or done anything this entire time. This would be like if Superman and Goku squared off in the middle of London, and then some rando OC from DeviantArt walked up to join them. Like, we know Al and we know Andy, but who the hell is this dude? I don’t care if he can hang with these two, they should have established that earlier.

Al asks for orders, and Integra makes this big production out of “Kill everybody with a racist uniform and a funny accent.” Okay, fine, but this is a lot of bad guys. How is even Alucard supposed to take them all down? And this leads us to Control Art Restriction Level Zero.

I’m just gonna cut to the chase, because this post is running long enough already. Al used “Level 1″ to make short work of Luke Valentine and Rip van Winkle, and maybe Dandyman as well, I’m not sure. Recall that nothing could stop Alucard on the H.M.S. Eagle. The Blackbird crash, the Millennium soldiers, Rip’s magic bullets, none of it. So he activates “Level 0″, which ought to be even more gonzo overpowered, and starts reciting this alchemical poem which I really out to cover in some other post, and all the bad guys panic and start attacking him.

To all the smartasses who say “Well why don’t the bad guys attack them during the transformation?” there you go. AGAIN. This sort of thing happens a lot more than you’d think, and it never works, because anime/manga creators are more self-aware than you’d think. It never works, because if it did, then it wouldn’t be “attacking a character in mid-transformation”. It would just be “killing a guy before he could do his big move.” So when a character does a big climactic thing like this, there’s really only two options. 1) Have the other characters stand back and watch, or 2) have them TRY to stop it, only to fail, because it’s too late for that.

Anyway, I’m skipping all of that and just showing the end result of Alucard’s power-up. The bad guys tear his body apart, but it doesnt’ matter because that never worked on him before, and then all these undead men crawl out of the black ether that seems to make up Al’s body. Just a veritable flood of humans, all washing out of him like a tide of death.

Anderson starts to figure it out when he recognizes some of the uniforms on these creatures. And if that’s not enough, Integra explains it for Seras. When vampires drink blood, they absorb the very essence of the living being who contained it. “To suck blood is to make the whole existence of a life one’s own.” That’s why Zorin saw Pip’s memories when she tried to read Seras’ mind. By drinking Pip’s blood, Seras has taken on Pip’s soul as well. But that’s just one guy. Alucard’s been drinking blood for over 500 years. And each one he consumes becomes another soul in his personal army.

I’m going to guess that Alucard didn’t always have the ability to manifest all of his victims as familiars like this. Otherwise, how in the hell was Abraham van Helsing able to subdue him a century earlier? The Hellsing family did stuff to enhance and improve Alucard’s powers, so maybe this was one of them. They gave him the means to weaponize all of his victims’ souls, for use in large scale battles like this one.

And I think this might be why Seras is trembling in this scene, because she knows that this ability was passed down to her when Alucard turned her into a vampire. Or maybe, she’s realizing that she’s got something in common with all of those dead people in Al’s army. Alucard made her a vampire, sure, but he still drank her blood, so doesn’t that mean there’s a Seras Victoria creature down there, standing alongside all the Janissaries, Wallachians, and everyone else Alucard has consumed?

Something I picked up on was that this is what all of those eyes in Alucard’s design are supposed to represent. When he used Level 1 you’d see all these eyes staring out from the shadows, and now Level 0 has brought out all these dead people, like they’re the ones the eyes belong to. Although, most of them don’t actually have eyes, just smoke trailing from their eye sockets. So maybe that’s symbolic as well.

There’s also horses in this mess, and that makes me wonder if Alucard drank the horses’ blood along with the riders. Anyway, Archbishop Maxwell observes all of this from his Popemobile and finally confronts the elephant in the room: Alucard is Dracula, like the Dracula. I don’t think it was ever meant to be a secret, but Kouta Hirano’s been dancing around it this whole time, without ever spelling it out, and now he’s finally spelling it out.

I think the only one who might not know is Seras? Someone might have filled her in off-panel, or maybe she figured it out, since it’s not exactly hard, but I don’t know.

So yeah, somewhere in this arc, they do a headcount of all three sides of this thing. Millennium has “572″ soldiers left, and the 9th Crusade has “2875″, while Hellsing, of course, is down to just 3. But Alucard has more than evened the playing field, since he can do this trick and spawn an invincible army. I’m more confused how Millennium lost 428 guys in one night. Seras killed a lot of them, but not that many. Sir Penwood got some and Anderson killed a bunch of them, but not hundreds of them. The Crusaders could have taken out that many, but they haven’t been here very long.

But yeah, they try to form a Phalanx to hold off Alucard’s forces, and it does not work at all. You can’t kill these things because they’re already dead. right? I mean, maybe the Crusaders have holy weapons that can destroy these things, but there’s just too many of them. And the Millennium troops don’t even have holy weapons, so they’re completely fucked.

But what about the helicopters? Well, Alucard drank the blood of Dandyman and Rip Van Winkle too, and their powers are now a part of him, which makes quick work of nearby aircraft. I like how these two look the same as before, but they never say a word. I think they’re the only ones with normal eyes, although Alucard’s shadow tentrils are still fused with their bodies.

The Crusaders’ battle lines are broken, and they beg for Maxwell to order a retreat before they’re all slaughtered. But Maxwell refuses to give up. He’s drunk on his new power, and so he can’t accept that he’s been one-upped so easily. Then the helicopter carrying his Popetruck gets destroyed, and he somehow crashes without getting hurt.

And now he’s got a front-row seat to the same hell his troops are experiencing, but he still gloats, because somehow Alucard’s soldiers can’t get through the glass. He refers to “tektite” reinforcement, and that’s dumb because Tektites are just an enemy in the Legend of Zelda. I’m onto your ass, Hirano.

But then Anderson throws a knife at the glass, and that breaks it, so maybe it was magic glass that only a blessed weapon could pierce? All that really matters is that Anderson has finally turned on Maxwell, and Maxwell is doomed.

Alucard’s dead warriors hoist him up on pikes, fitting for Vlad the Impaler, and Maxwell realizes that he’s going to die alone in a foreign land. The moral is: Don’t start none, won’t be none.

Then this happens, and I’m pretty sure Dark Horse Comics goofed when they scanned this manga for the digital edition. I’d contact them to complain, but they don’t even sell Hellsing anymore because they lost the license years ago. I don’t think a lot of stuff happened on Pages 62-63 of Volume 8 of the Hellsing manga, but I can’t tell. I’m guessing just Maxwell finally succumbing to his injuries while Anderson pontificates about why he had to do it to him. And really, Anderson hardly needs to explain his actions in this case. Maxwell sucked.

Moving on, Anderson contacts all Vatican forces and tells them to withdraw. They can’t beat Alucard, Maxwell is dead, and there’s nothing more they can do here. However, Anderson chooses to stay behind and take on Alucard.

This is Anderson’s reasoning: By releasing all of Alucard’s stolen lives to fight as his army, Alucard has left his person vulnerable to attack. So Andy thinks that if he gets close enough to Alucard, he can finally have a chance to defeat him. If he’s right, this might be his only chance to try.

Anderson further speculates that this may have been the Major’s plan from the beginning. Invade London, force Alucard to use this Level 0 ability, all to leave Alucard vulnerable to assassination. Perhaps the Major was even counting on Anderson to see this opening and take it.

More to the point, I think Anderson kind of has to fight Alucard because it’s the only way his people can escape London. Integra’s orders were clear: None of these invaders leaves the island alive. Alucard would continue hunting down the Crusaders whether they retreat or fight back, so some force has to stay and keep them occupied to save the rest.

Anyway, now we get to the actual part with this scene, where Alucard kneels before his master and she welcomes him back. It’s pretty satisfying to see all these butthole soldiers finally get what’s coming to them.

I’m just gonna put up the entire reunion moment because it’s so sweet. Interesting how Seras sort of reverts to her old self when Alucard returns. For all that badass power she gained from drinking Pip, she’s still uneasy around Alucard. But he missed her and I think that look on his face tells the whole story. He of all people can tell that Seras has finally taken the fateful step to becoming a “true vampire”.

I do think it’s kind of interesting how Seras continues to address Alucard as “Master”. He promised her way back in Volume 1 that she’d no longer be a servant if she drank blood of her own free will, but maybe it’s more complicated than that. Or, perhaps she still calls him “Master” out of respect, rather than any sort of blood bond or whatever you want to call it. It’s like how Anakin continued to call Obi-Wan “Master” in “Revenge of the Sith”, even though he had been promoted to Jedi Knight. The relationship is still there, even if it’s no longer official.

I’m a big, dumb Seras fanboy, so you’d better believe I think about this sort of thing a lot. I’m not real crazy about Alucard/Seras shipping, although I do sort of get it. I’m really not interested in Seras in some freaky-deaky sex kind of way. Take the D/s stuff to the Alucard/Integra room where it belongs. No, there’s something very wholesome between Alucard and Seras, and I could talk about it all damn day. And why not? It’s my blog, and I’ve got the time. So let’s start with--

Um, excuse you?!

Okay, so Anderson isn’t waiting around to take on Alucard, so I guess we’re doing this now.

And whether or not the Major planned for this to happen, he certainly approves...

#2021hellsingliveblog #hellsing #alucard #seras victoria #alexander anderson #the major #the captain #sir integra hellsing #walter c dornez #enrico maxwell #the doctor #warrant officer shrodinger #is that everybody?#i think so #i'm not gonna tag dandy and rip because they're dead

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submissivekillers · 5 years ago

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Lost boys with dom reader? The lost bottoms? Yes please. (Also didnt know if you specifically wanted vamp!reader for these requests but consider, vamp!reader that is much more ancient than the four punk rats and constantly holding it over their heads👀👀👀)

fun fact the lost bottoms was actually the working title for the movie but schumacher was forced to change it by the studio. the more u know

also max is dead in this bc i simply do not Vibe with him

you: you’ll never be like me boys, i’m Old Vampirepaul: how oldyou: old as BALLS

seriously though, you just came to Santa Carla to relax and party and now you’ve got these fuckin punks to deal with??? you will be having Words with max whoops he’s dead

their reactions to you are mixed, at first

david takes the longest to warm up to you; he’s the oldest of the Santa Carla gang now, and between the (justified, considering who sired them) suspicion of an older vamp trying to take power and his protective instincts towards the other boys, it’s a while before he lets down his guard around you

dwayne has his own suspicions, but he also tends to take a cue from laddie when it comes to new people, and the kid loves you. he’ll follow david’s lead most of the time, but he’ll also be the mediating voice to david’s worries - and honestly, something about the way you and laddie look together makes him want to invite you in

paul and marko, meanwhile, don’t take it quite as seriously. they’re not about to tell you any secrets or invite you to the cave without david’s say, but they’re the ones who’ll seek you out at the boardwalk to talk, dragging you to hole-in-the-wall restaurants or piling you with stuffed animals won from stands as “peace offerings”

you have a pretty solid nest egg, considering you’ve been alive (relatively speaking) for at least a few centuries, so chances are you actually have a house to live in. while the boys are very smug about the fact that their cave is, of course, way cooler, that doesn’t mean you won’t end up dealing with some pretty freeloaders once in a blue moon

the first time any of you get in a fight, whether playfully or in all seriousness, it becomes evident that you can and will kick their asses when pushed. they are Not as worried about this as they think they should be

ok this is so embarrassing and 3/4s of them would die before they admitted it (the exception being paul aka Number One Shameless Bitch) but if you’re the like. aristocratic, dracula-esque type? they are so deeply Into It. the combination of your cool, collected demeanor and the wildness lurking just under the surface drives them wild (and let’s be real, you rock the Aesthetic too)

you are the only other person allowed to sit on david’s throne. ninety-nine of the time, this leads to fucking on said throne

when they manage to especially piss you off, your go-to insult is calling them brats. it takes a few times (and maybe a less-angry mood) before you realize just how much the name effects them, especially david. whatever the case, it’s easy to take advantage of

please take advantage of this

#the lost boys x reader #lost boys david x reader #lost boys dwayne x reader #lost boys marko x reader #lost boys paul x reader #nsft #ngl i was def picturing reader as like. full on interview with a vampire type while writing this lmao

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guardiantempest · 5 years ago

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Learning With Manga: Riyo’s Udon Servants

Y’know, for a gag manga, Riyo has put in a lot of thought obscuring his Servant’s identities and giving out only hints throughout the comic’s run. The first three Servants (Rider, Assassin and Berserker) had their biographies spelled out in the print bookbut not their actual names (not that it’s needed, the hints were big enough).

I’m saying Udon Servants because they were apparently made by mixing Udon dough with Grail mud.

Due to the ridiculous amount of images, I’ve added a cut.

EDIT: I posted this without the cut. Oops. EDIT 2: Changed some wordings

Rider

Okay, pastel-colored bunnygirl. No specific identity tied to a rabbit (that I know of) so her appearance is a red herring. Could be anyone at this point.

Passion for filmmaking. There are a lot of influential movie people throughout history from old to new. At least the set equipment implies a director.

Severe hatred of Thomas Edison? Well, I guess that narrows it down to more old-timey directors. Back in his time he screwed over a lot of people, including many foreign filmmakers by plagiarizing their works.

A Trip to the Moon? There’s only one director who has that in his repertoire and that is Georges Méliès. That probably explains her outfit as a the rather-tangential nod to moon rabbits. Her Noble Phantasm is apparently a loooot of her film reels...made out of very volatile nitrate (which destroys Chaldea in the process). She also references older films like Purple Noon when chatting with Olga.

Assassin

Okay, woman with a gun, presumably with lingerie? Perhaps she’s a secret agent, or a modernized take on those assassin seductresses. Throughout the comic she’s shown to be adept with information gathering.

Definitely affiliated with spycraft. I don’t know any woman involved in such line of work (the one female secret agent I know is Nancy Wake, who isn’t). However this is Fate and genderswaps can be a thing. That O&C provides a pretty big hint to her identity. According to Google, it can stand for “Official and Confidential” affiliated with the one and only J. Edgar Hoover. Y’know, now that her identity is revealed in that tweet above, the comic’s art style makes it vague whether she’s really a genderswap or just crossdressing. Yes, the FBI did have a brief history of crossdressing to catch perps. Too bad her Noble Phantasm is practically useless to those who don’t care about keeping secrets.

It’s kinda funny how Riyo gives all his Servants personality quirks, like Melies’ seething hatred to Edison and occasional lapses to violent solutions. I guess this quirk is meant to be more “gap moe”, kinda like that Yakuza househusband? It’s really endearing. Still, I think Olga scored a keeper. In a standard Grail War she can be pretty useful if deployed correctly (and maybe easier to work with than Mata Hari).

I like her suit, I hope it’s one of her ascensions.

Berserker

Woah, she big. There are a lot of significant giants in mythology, and her modernized appearance provides less hints than expected. She ate Nursery Rhyme several pages later and becomes a mainstay in the Children’s Kingdom.

Keep in mind this is before All the Statesmen event on JP, but that blue ox(?) is a clear indicator to who she is: Paul Bunyan, North American folklore figure. This doesn’t come off as a surprise to us since we already had said event spelling it out for us. Unlike her murderous portrayal in the comic though, in-game she’s a total sweetheart who just wants to help...by terraforming any wild terrain in the name of civilization.

Lancer

We first see Lancer impaling Gudako in a comic. The folks in the livestream joked that she’s genderswapped Van Helsing. It seems to make sense, showing that spike. But they clarified that it was a joke so that’s out of the window.

Something of value? She’s referring to fossils. What about the lightning? It’s a reference to her real life counterpart who survived a lightning strike. That’s right, this woman is Mary Anning! A servant who’s not a genderbend this time!

Totally a raging lesbian. I’m not sure if that’s historical, a reference to a recent biopic, or merely a personality quirk. Maybe it’s an extrapolation to her network of women. One of her skills (Sea Lily Charisma) does let her attract women to help her out. Her canine companion is very cute, at least.

She does have a point. As a Lancer she wields giant prehistoric fish. From the speculation I saw on Reddit, I think it might be a reference to a manga/doujin of her being a mage and can summon living counterparts of her fossil. Her Noble Phantasm wasn’t showed because she got tag-teamed by two Sabers before she got to use it.

Archer

A cowgirl! There are quite a few notable wild west legends like Billy the Kid. This one looks like she has animal ears, or just really weird hair. Using a rope and lasso is indicative of “generic cowgirl”, for a Heroic Spirit to wield it means she must be known for using it.

Coyotes, huh? That pretty confirms it: this cowgirl Archer is Pecos Bill, raised by coyotes and most famous for lassoing a tornado (then riding it). According to the print book, one of her personal skills is Rodeo, which allows her to ride something and not fall off (but it’s in no way similar to the Riding skill). Yeah, being raised by coyotes pretty much translates to coyote animal ears...and feral instincts.

I remember reading on Reddit that one of Bill’s feats is shooting down stars, so that might be why she’s an Archer. Riyo sure is drawing from a lot of western influences.

Saber

Well this is a curveball. The very distinct attire should narrow it down though I don’t know which culture seems most appropriate. While there are more than a few pregnant women in mythologies, the comic clarifies that the real Servant is the unborn baby and the mother is just tagging along.

Well, that’s certainly something. I remember reading somewhere that back in the old ages, saunas are used instead of hospitals for childbirth in snowy regions of Europe. The unborn Servant has a Courtship skill that causes him to hit on almost every female he comes across.

There are a lot of guesses for his identity, one of which is Väinämöinen. A demigod who spent a very long time in the womb, can speak while in there, and was born an old man. The evidence feels shaky and debate rages on.

Caster

Jesus Christ, Jeanne, what are you doing?! I just added this page because it’s hilarious.

Mouse maids! A miracle that they survived getting chopped up into bits! It’s rather vague on who they are, guesses include the Rolling Riceball (which is just Benienma’s story) and Ratatouille, funnily enough. Most of their appearances so far is just pandering for Gudako (giving Onigiri, enabling the WiFi, providing Dakimakuras) as an effect of one of their Personal Skills (Servitude).

Their profile says that this isn’t their true form (maybe as a consequence of getting turned to noodles). Their Territory Creation should allow them to make a dreamland and provide anything, but for now all they can make is a good-enough kitchen and onigiri.

Another Personal Skill is Reproduction, which allows them to rapidly increase their numbers when left alone. Nonstop. This can get out of hand fast. People in the comment section were speculating various rat-related myths, primarily ones with a swarm theme.

Although it seems the rats are up to something.

Well that’s terrifying. A guy on Reddit assumed that the mice is connected to Raigo, the accursed monk. I thought it was a very dark take on a folklore/fairy tale, something about mice fattening up someone to eat them.

Okay, the mallet and the sack is definitely a clue. Apparently that represents Daikokuten, who is frequently portrayed with mice near him. I understand what they were trying to do. All this time they were trying to build up for their true power. A god of good fortune and/or prosperity is not to be messed with, especially if he’s currently incarnating RIyo Gudako as a pseudo-servant.

I think their Modus Operandi is pretty horrifying, yet also makes sense. A Master cannot simply summon a god under normal circumstances but summoning its herald(s) who, in turn, will make way for their patron deity seems totally fair.

#learning with manga #fate grand order #fgo #fate series #paul bunyan

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viktor-noctis · 4 years ago

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The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll McSh*tFace

This is my review for the film: The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll McShitFace.

Enjoy.

Tagging @christopherleefan because I think you might enjoy this? Also, I wrote a fic for Taste of Fear (or Scream of Fear for us Americans), and you can expect one for this film as well.

Pre-face: Okay, okay……………………………… Let me compose myself.

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Alright, hit the play button.

London 1874 – I paused just to be sure this was the actual date when the book was written.

It was originally published in 1886.

We’re off to a roaring start.

Ew. Children.

Playing in a garden, yep, this is about what I remember.

Little boy shoves girl’s flowers to the ground, and McShitFace talks about “dumb human animals” when referring to children. We agree on that, at least.

“Play out when they cannot speak out.” Jekyll McShitFace suggests they’ve mentally blocked the ability to speak, due to the fact that they are letting another part of them be free to express itself…. What a load of garbage.

You resigned? Here I thought they fired you for being a creep. The fact that Ernst believes he really is a genius makes me want to punch something.

They’ve been married for six years??

No servants, no friends, and Jekyll has cut all professional ties to study the mind… Like a madman. Yeah, I can see Kitty hating this.

Beyond Good and Evil? Beyond the reach of society?

“A very dangerous man, my friend.” No shit, Ernst. Jekyll is suggesting the ‘higher man’ is the one within, while Ernst suggests that the weaker man maybe the ‘evil’ one. Or what we deem ‘evil’. Jekyll, like some, has come to some crackpot conclusion that by drawing out the ‘evil’ man, the ‘weaker’ man within him, that he can isolate and destroy him… Or something to that effect.

Jekyll never answers Ernst when he asks if he’s used it on anything other than a monkey and I find that telling.

Paul is here. Ernst is leaving.

Jekyll is quite charitable to Paul, if nothing else, and Kitty is putting up a marvelous front. Kitty even tries to get him to spend time with her here, but I have a feeling she knows where this is going. She’s probably done this a million times. This is another for the till.

I can tell Kitty is tired of this. Jekyll spends night and day in the lab. All the time. Yeah, that’d wear on most women. Considering the time period, this is all very strange. Then again, this is a ‘Strange Case’, or it was supposed to be.

Kitty telling him about Jekyll shouting to himself in his room, along with a strange voice that wasn’t his own, for an entire night… “Married to a man of great talent.” Ernst, my dude…

Kitty’s asking if he is insane enough to be sent away. Ernst says he isn’t: “we must both try to help him.” Right.

Christopher Lee! Damnit, he’s so tall. How tall is this actress?

They’re so cute. Terrible, but cute.

The top of her head reaches his nose or so. He’s a damn good kisser…

Kitty looks lovely in blue.

And is an extrovert.

Jekyll is an introvert.

Still hate him.

Don’t bash the girl for liking to go out. Or ask her to: “take the evening off”.

“I need you tonight, Kitty. Stay.” That’s not creepy. After years of being ignored, that’s not creepy in the slightest.

Okay, this might be just me, but… I see Kitty’s perspective. I sort of see Jekyll’s? It’s a grey area. I’ve paused it to explain my reasoning –

Kitty, is an extrovert, as I’ve stated. She gets her energy from going out, being around people, and having a good time. That’s great. Good for her, you have fun girl, and take your boytoy (he really is, as often as he gets in money trouble) with you. Jekyll is decidedly not. To say they are incompatible would be an understatement.

Kitty is the type of woman who glows under attention, who craves it from both her partner and others. But mostly, her partner. Enter Paul, who’s proven to be attached to her mostly through money, but there’s so much more there. Again, I love these two, because they’re so terribly flawed, but so clearly in love.

Jekyll, meanwhile, cut all attachment to “live like a hermit in the center of London”. Ernst’s words straight from the beginning of the film. I bet you Kitty was stifled, for years, before Paul came along. Now, not much is revealed of the how Jekyll became friends with him, when he did, or even why he did, but I want to bet it was during University or something. That seems the most likely theory, given Jekyll’s nature.

The Jekyll side is a bit more convoluted. Again, I don’t think Kitty is being unfair here. There’s no telling how long she stayed lonely, cooped up in that house (reference back to when Ernst talked about no friends, no company, and no servants), and was just… bored, sad, and upset.

Ernst even mentioned the house being ‘in ruins’.

She calls him selfish for making it such an issue. I get the feeling he sort of deserves it. Also, she’s in love with Paul now, so that adds another layer to their relationship not working and being incredibly strained.

“I’m not going to insult my friends for the sake of your whims.” Is what her argument amounted to. Again, the movie is making her sound like the selfish one, but you really have to take into account the history, nature, and aspects of each character. In doing so, I don’t really think she is. I think she’s in love with another man, bound to a farce of a marriage, and is doing the best she can by not staying near her creepy husband.

And yep, human experimentation time.

Yeah, go ahead McShitFace, sit at your desk and wait to become The Literal Worst.

Party time. I’m shuddering. Too. Many. People. Ew.

They’re both terrible.

I love them.

Awful.

Paul complains of being bored, and yet she is bored doing the things he likes. They jab and jibe. He looks at another woman. They jab and jibe some more.

They’re bickering like they’re already married.

Get a room.

Terminate their relationship?

They bring up their attachment, again, always with the money. Kitty likes a man free of shame, Paul thinks he might lose her to a man who had even less. Hahahaha. You nerds. You’re in too deep and you both know it.

The Literal Worst has arrived. And he’s uglier than ever.

The Sphinx? That’s the name of this trash heap ballroom?

Hyde looks like a Tool. Barely two minutes on screen and he’s got the Creep Smirk going.

Hoes do not stand together, I see.

Paul and Kitty smiling at each other, having a grand old time. I love them.

Hyde showing his true colors already, by eyeing up Kitty, while dancing with another girl (though I’m pretty sure she’s a prostitute. Or just a woman who gets around, living off other men’s money). Wow, he also says some not-so-nice things to her before heading after Paul and Kitty, who’s having a hell of a time. Paul can also be a jackass –

“Don’t drink too much tonight, my darling.” She says it with such tenderness, while taking the glass from his hand.

“Cunning little kitty cat. Rather a dull husband than a drunken lover, eh?” Paul’s already slurring. He’s entered cad mode. Feel free to kick him to the curve, my dear. He deserves to nurse his hangover by himself.

She just looks disappointed.

Kitty’s creep alert is going off. Listen to it, honey. Run. Run, far away.

She’s trying to take Paul home.

Then going to dance with Hyde. Fuck. Kitty, listen to your Creep Radar.

Friendship with Kitty? Honey. No. Run. “Can I trust you?”

?? Kitty. No. Do not trust the creep.

Prostitute girl is back, claiming Hyde tried to force her, and some dude wants recompense. Kitty just wants to go home. Paul refuses to leave, to help Hyde.

Has common sense become a commodity that only Kitty is buying??

“Give the lady a few sovereigns, and there’ll be no trouble.” Yeah, sounds like a prostitute. Kitty bids them all goodnight. Paul looks sad to see her go. Should have thought about that before you acted the bastard.

Hyde tells them to go to hell and take the trollop with him. Dude dives at them, Paul knocks him out… And Hyde keeps hitting him. Paul stops him, telling him not to kill him, and then asks him if he’s ill.

“Let me alone, Jekyll. Let me alone.” Dumbass. Jekyll voice coming out of Hyde. That’s not creepy. Paul looks amused by the creep show. Hyde leaves the place, screaming, and being weird.

Lots of voice changing. This actor is actually really good. Jekyll realizes what he did, because Hyde says: “I will be back, Jekyll. I will return.”

Jekyll: “Never. Never.”

So he knows this was a bad idea?

Goes into Kitty’s room, whose reading, and she starts talking about her ‘party’. She wants to go to sleep. Jekyll still comes closer, being a creep. Creep Radar is blaring.

“I need you, Kitty. I need you desperately.” And he comes in, trying to kiss at her, mouthing at her neck. Like a creep. I know this is a parallel to later in the film (yeah, it’s terrible), when Hyde is in control, but I still hate this.

I had to pause during the next scene to do a deep character analysis –

Kitty pushes him off, telling him she’s tired, and even says “please”. As if she should have to beg him to keep his damn creep hands to himself. He still has a wild, crazy look in his eye, and asks: “What are you really like, Kitty?”

“I’m your wife, that’s all I am.” She answers it with such evenness, barely disturbed, and it reminds me of what Paul said to her –

“From perfect wife to perfect mistress, and back again to perfect wife.”

This movie has a lot to do with the masks we wear. We change them, depending on who we’re talking to: family, friends, strangers, lovers, etc. All the different relationships we have require a mask, shadowing the core of who we are, because letting someone see everything of ourselves is too terrifying to consider. We don’t show our true selves out of fear, pride, or some other convoluted mixture of emotions.

However, every mask has a basis, a template of origin.

I feel as if, at some point, Kitty really did love Jekyll. She must have. She married him not for his intelligence, not for his money, but because she genuinely loved him. Kitty loves too deeply, too strongly, and has all the hallmarks of a woman who has been burned by that depth of attachment.

“It’s my fault, a woman who shows her feelings always loses dignity.” Kitty says this during the first bit of the dance she has with Paul, which reveals so much of her character. She doesn’t look at him when she says it, the pain of her admittance is too much, and she shies away from anyone witnessing it. Even Paul.

Her relationship with Paul is strained right now. It’s weird. It seems like neither of them knows where it’s going, too afraid to continue, but even more horrified by the prospect of letting the other go.

When speaking of breaking their ‘arrangement’ (look up ‘affair’ in the dictionary), Kitty suggested Paul wouldn’t be able to get along financially without her. Paul rebuffed her, saying that Jekyll and he had been friends for years, and she was just his dutiful wife… despising him.

There’s an ease between them that feels years old, yet I doubt it was from the get-go of hers and Jekyll’s marriage. No, she probably did hate him quite a bit, in the beginning. But there’s a thin line between love and hate, one that can be crossed with loneliness. I like to think it was physical at first, a build up of tension between a woman caged in a house, and watching this man go out and spend her husband’s money.

It was probably Paul who convinced her to come out with him one evening. Fuck it. Jekyll wants to stay in his lab all night? Well, why should you stay too? Kitty probably said no at first. Why would she go out with this smarmy bastard, who gambles, who sleeps with anything that has legs, and drinks himself silly? But then there’s the wanting, the listening to her husband tinker away, watching life go by without her…

She probably went to Jekyll. She tried to talk to him, have dinner with her in the house that night. Without any servants, she’s learned to cook. He makes a point of trying to be nice but talks about his work… Always his work. She asks him to kiss her, as if that’s something she should have to nearly beg for. And what did he do? On the verge of some great breakthrough?

“Not right now, Kitty. I’m busy.”

Kitty, who is strong, vibrant, and beautiful, is not enough to stir a man from the wake of progress. From pride.

Humiliation and defeat, a loathing that breaks through love, stuffs her chest and nearly throttles her on the spot. Retreating, glassy eyed to her room. She probably cried, mourning her broken heart.

After that, she demands to go with Paul.

There’s probably a touch of shock, then a knowing smirk. He’s probably seen lots of women with husbands who ignore them, falling into his kind of life, dancing and drinking and laughing their nights away.

He’s not ready for this one.

Alright, hitting play again –

“But the woman inside of you, is that woman my wife?”

No. No, she’s not. She belongs with Paul.

Stop shaking her. She’s right. Get out.

Take your: “Who am I?”s and get the fuck out.

Cut to Paul being a cad again. Ugh. Go home to Kitty, you absolute tool bag.

He and Hyde are sitting at a table in The Sphinx with two bimbos. Wonderful.

Hyde is a creep. I will say that no less than ten times in this review. I probably already have.

The fuck is this?

They’re doing something weird.

Really weird.

A snake charmer dance.

Am I to assume they wish us to believe that snake is venomous?

Okay, to be fair, all snakes and spiders are venomous, but the potency of their venom varies in such a way that they effect most human bodies on different levels. I say ‘most’ because you can be allergic to something, and receive a far more harrowing experience than 98% of the population.

However, that does not excuse the fact that the creature in question is a ball python and is therefore basically harmless. Minus some swelling and bruising.

I had to pause to write that, okay, playing again –

Yeah, this poor animal is being abused by being forced into a ‘sensual dance’ with this woman. ‘Tigress’, they call her, kill me now. Paul says she’s exclusive to the elite. Kill me twice over. This dance is the worst. That poor snake is confused.

Paul is looking worriedly at Hyde as he stares, transfixed, at this woman. Dude, he wants to get bitch slapped, let him.

Christopher Lee’s eyebrows are doing things to me. Paul is the real eye candy in this shit show.

UGHASDKFJASDKFNAMSDKFJNASDKF

Jkljasdfklajsdklfansdkfnj

Klasjeirkmaskdfnjkasdjf

Klasdmfnkasndf

JKLASJDKLFNASKLDFNJ

UGH

SHE

SHE PUT

THE SNAAEK

HEAD

MOTUH

WHY? WHY? WHY would –

WOULD uuo –

That poor animal.

Tell me that was fake.

She did not really put that poor creature’s head in her mouth.

This is abuse.

Not to mention, really gross. Salmonella, and a million other diseases could potentially exist on the skin of a reptile. Do not handle reptiles and then touch your face, or eat, or put any part of their body inside your mouth. Wash hands after handling, thank you.

Disgusting.

And people are clapping. And cheering.

Is this what passes for ‘exotic’ in the 1700s????

Maybe it’s my modern cynicism, but I am not impressed. I am shuddering in revulsion.

Mostly because of the snake in mouth bit.

Gods.

End me.

I’m about to shriek.

“Forget it, dear boy. She’s not in the prep-school class. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Paul. Paul.

Have you ever considered:

She’s blind.

You’re gorgeous.

And you have a gorgeous woman waiting on you at home.

Why do you bother with the bimbos?

Girl on the right is pretty, okay, she’s like… an 8. Chick on the left is… also pretty, but like a 7.

Kitty is a damn 16, she blows them out of the water. There is no competition. When you’ve already had it all, why bother even looking at anything less? She gets bumped up to a 30 for the fact that she has a brain, she snarks, she jabs with the best of them, and is not afraid to leave you to your well-deserved hangover.

I will fight for Kitty’s honor.

Paul. I’m about to throw down.

He calls the dancer over – Maria – and I can already tell he’s going to –

Yep. Be a bastard.

“She only uses Christian names in bed.”

He deserved that drink to the face.

Even Hyde looks surprised. Then impressed.

Pft – HA! I have to quote this:

“Well, ladies, it seems that I must entertain you both.” He says, while soaked with what one can assume is scotch. “I trust that you will not be too disappointed.” Girl on the right looks like she expects to be disappointed. Ms. Left has her game face on.

“Oh, we’ll just have to manage.” Left is already up and at it.

“Somehow or other.” Right is playing along for now.

“Thank you for your confidence.” Paul’s reply does not sound confident in the slightest. He follows them through a curtain doorway. I’d say, ‘poor bastard’, but he doesn’t deserve my sympathy right now.

Hyde is creeping on Maria now.

“Keep away from him, he is dangerous.”

Yeah. To medium sized rodents.

Actually, considering Hyde is nothing more than a big, smelly, greasy, slimy rat –

Nah, wouldn’t want to give the poor thing indigestion.

“Your friend talked to me like a common whore.”

I assumed you two knew each other? I don’t know, they are weird and vague on that. Alan says he’s tried, then claims what names she uses in bed, and she did throw the drink on him afterwards. I’ve no idea.

I will give this to Hyde: He is a smooth talker. He is also, however, still a bastard.

And the makeup they used on this actress is not flattering at all. I’ve seen pictures of her, and she was beautiful. They somehow made her look hideous. ‘Impertinent’ is a word, though not quite the one I would use for this piece of garbage.

I love putting subtitles on. They’re so dumb.

(Soft sensual music) my ass.

Of course they shag. Why wouldn’t they?

She’s given him an in, now… “You do not buy, you do not beg.” A man who ‘takes’. No, do not give him that.

“A nice, cold wife.” I’m so furious.

They do have a servant! An old woman. Probably a concession after years.

“Mr. Hyde.” Creep.

‘Nanny’.

“Lately, this house has become unused to visitors.”

“The wife of a recluse…”

Trying to sweet talk a woman in love will not go over well for you.

Paul’s??? Paul’s friendship. What a save.

“The question of trespass hardly arises. Mr. Allen has no property rights in me.”

And as for Henry: “Henry leads his own life. He doesn’t seek my approval, and I don’t seek his. Is that wrong?”

OOOOOOFFFFF.

Sweet talk till you talk like that.

“To the boredom of being a neglected wife, and the humiliation of being a rejected mistress.”

It almost felt like she was into the flirting till he said that, but I still get the feeling she wouldn’t have slept with him. You can enjoy flirting, some people do it for a living, but not the act that comes after. As I said before, Kitty wears many masks. This one is short-lived. Hyde has insulted her, and the change in her demeanor is like a switch.

Kitty loves too deeply, to be reminded of her first failing, and the possibility of her loss of Paul is a kick in the teeth. Is she not worth loving? Is science, money, knowledge, other women – is she just no match? Can she have nothing out of this?

“I must say, you are honest. A trifle obvious, perhaps, but honest.” And too close to the surface, too close to the proverbial nail. Kitty is genuinely afraid of losing Paul, and it shows. She’s clinging onto something she feels she can’t hold onto, whether for her already damaged pride or because she doesn’t want to be hurt again. Her face only really started to shift when he said mistress.

“My great affair has already begun.” She’s pulling herself so easily from his arms. He talks about great love since he felt her in his arms, and she just turns away with this casual walk of a knowing woman.

“It was well advanced before ever you appeared on the scene.” She looks almost proud, though there’s still this edge to her. She expects it to crash and burn. She’s just waiting for it.

“I wonder what is the special quality in a man as weak, unscrupulous, and utterly unreliable as Paul Allen?” This really bothers him. Hyde is essentially Jekyll unchained, a copy of the inner, dark urges of one man laid bare, and given free run of the place… And he’s a total rat bastard.

And Kitty is smiling. Kitty is overjoyed.

“I don’t question your description, Mr. Hyde.” She’s radiating with delight. Even that description of Paul in all his awful glory stirs nothing but happiness in her.

“Well then, but why…” And he’s reaching for her, stroking his fingers over her back. It’s this odd mimicry of how Jekyll tried to hold her that night. Ugh.

“I merely happen to love him.” Yes! SHE SAID IT!

“Love? Love is an idiocy!” And she’s laughing again. I’m beginning to believe Kitty uses laughter to cover her pain. Hyde/Jekyll McShitFace uses rage.

“An idiocy of mine, perhaps, but a fact.” Then we get this beautiful close up of her face, the vindication with which she says it has me living –

“I love Paul Allen.” Love, you must be so blind and so wonderful.

(Ominous music). As Hyde descends back to his basement to turn back into Jekyll. Back to the sewer, your garbage monster.

Ernst is here. Okay, something weird is happening again. Jekyll has a heightened metabolism. Probably from sustaining two rat bastards instead of one. I’ve no idea how much time has elapsed, but quite a bit I’m guessing. A week? A month? Another year? Nah, probably more like a week or so.

Jekyll’s life is “burning out at a much faster rate.”

Kitty is fed up with being Paul’s ‘bank clerk’. Yeah, let’s bring Henry into this. ‘Let him deal with life’s little problems and leave us its gaiety’? You are a cad. Why do you love him again, Kitty? You can do better.

She’s sick of being used.

“How can you talk of our love in this way?” Love? Is this the first time you bring it up to her? While asking for money? Aklsjdfkasjdf

Men are annoying.

“You hypocrite!” Thank you.

Debts of honor, my pale ass.

He’s going to Henry.

Ernst knows he’s addicted to something. He says it’s more damning, whatever it is.

At least Paul is honest. Jekyll is being cold to him now. He knows about him and Kitty now. He goes back to his work desk. ‘Going away’. Right. Run.

Paul gets nothing. Notes something must be wrong with him.

Kitty is worried about Paul now.

And fuck – Jekyll is giving full power of his shit to Hyde. His estate, his money, his assets, everything goes to Hyde. This happened in the book, of course, but this completely cuts Kitty off as well.

Also, he even says he’s using Hyde to ‘learn all he can’. You pretty much know it all. Kitty, your wife, is in love with your ‘friend’, Paul. It’s not that hard. You’ve effectively been gaslighting them from the beginning.

“For do I want to return to a life of frustrated isolation and loveless misery?”

I have…

So many problems with this statement alone.

You left your wife, even said it yourself, neglected. For years. So much so, that she’s alone as well. Of course she searched for something beyond you, when you chose to isolate yourself first… And you know what? I’m happy for Kitty, she found something, someone to love and love her in return. Is it perfect? No, but –

Anything and everything can be traced back to you, you sorry sack of literal shit. I’m about to lose it. He’s reaping what he’s sewn, and now he’s trying to escape it.

I’m so pissed off.

He drinks more stuff. Great. The return of The Literal Worst is upon us.

Wow… Never heard Christopher Lee say that before –

“Damn bad luck you’ve been having, I hear, Allen, old man.” Some man comments on the state of Paul’s life, which has gone to hell in a handbasket.

“Damn bad luck.” Paul’s agreement seems to taste as bad as the cigarette he’s smoking. I wonder how many are his, in that overflowing mound of ash and stumps, at the center of the table.

“Oh, well, luck’s a bitch, old boy.” Not sure that was a saying yet, but maybe this is the one that starts the trend.

“Oh, I shouldn’t think so.” Paul looking like he’d like to swallow down the rest of the decanter on the table, with Hyde being the creep that just walked in. “I’ve always had the best possible luck with bitches.”

I just about spit my tea. Not even kidding.

“Almost always, anyway.”

You’re terrible. Kitty should leave without either of you.

How is this review over 4K words? Who’s still reading this?

“Women aren’t a weakness they’re a recurrent necessity.” Paul. Paul. What are you doing?

‘Oldest mistress’.

Paul. You’re awful with money and it’s obvious.

They’re going to go out on the town. Like bastards. Hyde is The Literal Worst.

Snap shots of London’s underbelly during the 1700s… Brawling, lots of drinking and bad singing, and… smoking? Opium? Hooka? Who the fuck knows anymore.

Paul’s out. Hyde is doing the 100-yard Creep Stare.

Paul is out making debts again. ‘Honorable’ ones, at least.

Now he’s out of ideas. It’s been a week. He spent all that money – 5,000 in a week. Ouch. “But you, are a fool.” We agree on that. That is the only thing Hyde, and I will ever agree on.

“And I’ll try Kitty.”

Ha.

Haha.

You can see the wheels turning unpleasantly in Paul’s head. His brow is doing that furrowed thing when he’s confused.

“What the devil do you mean, Hyde?” You know what he means, you just don’t want him to go on. You’re hoping he doesn’t mean what you think he means.

“Well, that should be simple enough for even you to understand.” Again, insulting people while mixing in kind words, though his next ones are far from kind: “I am telling you to obtain your mistress for me.”

Paul is rising out of his chair. His brow is still doing that furrowed thing, but it has gotten even deeper. The rage is coming, a wave that was slow to foam, but quick to rise.

“You unspeakable devil.” There’s still some disbelief, but there’s no denying the shock.

Hyde is doing the creep laugh with a – “How very amusing.” Now you can see the anger, it’s chiseling its way into his features, hard and sharp.

“Paul Allen, breaker of every law in the moral code, is shocked into morality.”

Full blown: I’d punch the ever-living hell out of you. I’m about to.

“You vile, disgusting degenerate.” His lips are quivering. He’s barely holding it together.

“Be rational, my friend.” You’re pushing him far beyond ‘rational’. “I’m asking for the temporary loan of a proven adulteress, of whom you yourself have grown somewhat tired.”

First of all: fuck you. Second of all: Kitty already said he has no property rights to her.

“You go back to hell!” Paul. Punch. Him.

Oh… Wait… Yeah, he’d probably get in trouble for that. And then be sent to jail. And I doubt he wants to be in there while Kitty is out here with this lunatic. Yeah, running out before you lose it seems wise.

Still should have throttled him a bit.

Now what is The Literal Worst doing? Going back to the house…

And sneaking into Kitty’s room. You creep. I’ve never wished to jump through a television screen more.

They only have one servant, ‘Nanny’, is her name.

He’s blackmailing her. With Paul’s notes. Fuck. ‘Buy him back’.

She’s laughing. Yes, that is Kitty’s response to being uncomfortable.

“You utterly repel me.” YES! Go girl! She laughs as he storms out, tossing the notes away. Then she closes and locks the door, pressing her back to it. She was probably more than a little terrified.

Hyde assaults a homeless man, shoving him down, and steps over him. That was in the book… Then back to some cesspit that Paul showed him.

There’s something weird going on here with Hyde and this girl.

Cut to Kitty and Paul snuggling. And kissing. This is the quality content I came for. He’s wearing the same shirt from earlier… Which means he probably took a good long walk, had a small conniption, and then went straight to her.

“Why does love make us behave so hatefully to one another?” Yeah, well, Paul has been the terrible one here.

“Because we’re cowards, my darling. We want everything.” I’m not sure what Paul’s deal is, why he is the way he is… He could just be an ivy league guy who grew up, not knowing how to handle money, he might not come with as much baggage as the rest of them.

Why can’t they just be happy and cute?

Go away? Start a new life? Yeah, do that.

Right now.

Leave.

Before Jekyll McShitFace gets back.

Ah, they planned to mug Hyde, using the girl as a means to dupe him. Seems about right. Also deserved.

Ah, Kitty is leaving Jekyll. About bloody time. Also, the wrong time, considering the whole Hyde business.

Jekyll has destroyed his drugs, though admits that Hyde’s grip is too powerful. Right. As if Ernst didn’t warn you it was an addiction. “No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy him.” You mean you, right? Because, he is, after all, you.

The kids are back in the garden. This can only end well.

Oh, they’re leaving. Good…

Paul and Kitty are making out again. Good for them.

Jekyll shoved a kid. Bad for him.

Same little girl who’s always trying to give him flowers. Yeah, he’s losing it. Rushing back into lab to pen a last will and testament one can hope –

Nope, no such luck.

‘Exorcise him’. Right.

Handwriting switch. Interesting.

Paul admitting to Kitty he’s in trouble with Hyde.

If looks could kill.

Hyde lures them with an invitation from Jekyll, about their last evening together being ‘gay’.

Kitty doesn’t want to go, she’s frightened. Listen to your gut.

Paul wants to stay, because they think he’ll settle. Kitty agrees.

Fuck.

Cabaret. Ugh.

Someone get me out of here. Lots of underwear. This is painful.

Hyde making plans to meet with Maria before meeting with Paul and Kitty, who’s dressed for a funeral. Paul. Don’t. Go. Of course, he does.

Up to Maria’s room. Piss it.

More cabaret. I’ll hand it to you ladies; you can cartwheel and front flip. That is impressive. Also, I’m completely serious, because the amount of muscles it takes to do that are insane. Flexibility is also key. Congrats ladies.

Paul meets with Hyde.

“Surely we can keep Kitty out of this.” He knows something’s up and didn’t want to involve her. Smart, but also stupid.

“Hardly.” Hyde’s reply sets my teeth on edge.

Paul. Don’t go into that room. To meet him in private. Fuck me. Backwards. Paul.

A ball python. How dangerous. Paul. There’s a table right there. Squish the fucker. I mean, I’m against animal cruelty, but in the case of the story, that thing is supposed to be deadly. Squish. Squish. Otherwise, leave him the fudge alone and he’ll leave you alone.

Kitty… Don’t go with the creepy man. Listen to your Creep Radar.

Paul’s dead. Kitty doesn’t deserve this. Don’t –

I hate this. I hate this. Paul is literally dead in the other room.

I’m writing so much fix-it fic for this, you won’t believe.

This review is 18 pages long. If you’ve made it this far, may the gods have mercy on you, because my wrath at this point is endless.

Maria is in Jekyll’s house. He told her to go back to that house, put on Kitty’s clothes –

“The pattern of justice is complete.”

Rot. In. Hell.

Paul and Kitty deserved better. They deserved each other.

Kitty waking up, gods’ I hate this. She’s a wreck. Her hair, her clothes… You can tell she’s about to be sick. She’s barely holding it together. There’s a fucking note… A note leading her to the snake… She finds Paul dead. She’s already shellshocked. Out onto the balcony…

“Paul.” Her last word.

She plummets over the balcony, through the glass roof, and –

Cut to Maria saying: “I love you Edward.”

“I can’t love.” We can agree on two things. Those two things.

“I must be free.” Right before murdering Maria.

Jekyll finally takes back over, rightfully horrified, and runs back to his lab. With three corpses under his belt.

What an interesting mirror effect…

“Why must you destroy?”

“I must be free.”

Then we go back-and-forth, about who murdered, who revenged, and who was wronged. They weren’t in Hyde’s way, but Jekyll was. He doesn’t ‘feel’. Yeah, right…

Hyde is every dark, terrible impulse Jekyll has had, given life and form. His desire to be free, to run rampant, has been a desire of Jekyll’s since the beginning. Free the beast so he could kill it… Then proceeded to twist it to gaslight his wife, his friend, and everyone else. He was living a life, a lie, a sham. The desire for freedom from persecution for our desires, to be allowed to do what we want, when we want, without judgement has been an overarching theme in all of society. People are persecuted for what pronouns they want to use, for how they eat, how they dress, how they talk –

However, because Hyde is merely a reflection, one can assume his desire for freedom is mirrored in Jekyll’s continued desire for the same. Jekyll wants to continue to exist, so Hyde must desire to exist in turn. He’s still composed completely of Jekyll’s desires.

He says he doesn’t feel, yet there is a desperation, a fear in his voice when he says: “You must lose, Jekyll.” Because he’s afraid he won’t. He’s horrified by the idea of being trapped forever, of their relation being found out…

Cut to Inspector being on the case at The Sphinx.

Wow, a lady in gentleman’s clothing runs The Sphinx. Nice.

Jekyll trying to leave a letter to Ernst. Yeah, that’ll go over well. He calls a street cleaner over to take his note to Ernst, but of course, Hyde has to upset that plan.

Again, I give props to the actor for the massive amount of voice switching, and playing the ‘tortured’ scientist, and the King of the Creeps.

Hyde is about to kill this street cleaner. Mate, why did you come into this guy’s house to randomly move something for him? He shoots him in the back, of course…

The Inspector arrives! Not in time…

Hyde is about to torch the place. Of course he is.

He puts up a performance for the police, saying Jekyll is nuts… Whole place is on fire, with street cleaner acting as a sub-in for the body of Jekyll.

I swear, if this fucker gets away with this, I will riot.

Is nobody seeing the Creepiest Grin of the Century?

No, of course not, they’re trying to fight a raging fire.

And of course, there’s a court hearing over the whole thing. Jekyll went nuts. True. He was addicted to drugs. Also true, though it’s not any kind ever seen before. Sought vengeance for imagined slights. True again.

“Fortunate to have escaped – “

Screw you.

Death by suicide. If only.

Do not tell me this is how this movie ends.

“A fine man. A fine – “

Shut up Ernst.

“The higher man.” Shut your face hole, Hyde.

Jekyll is coming out.

“I must leave immediately.” Oh no, you don’t, you bastard.

“Help me.” Keep talking, Jekyll. Get out of there. Confess. You deserve it.

Lots of struggling here. Again, props to the actor.

Inspector, Ernst, and everyone are watching. Do it now, you bastard.

He turned back into Jekyll!

Finally! You did something useful!

He looks really old. Apparently being Hyde aged him decades.

You can still rot in hell.

“I have destroyed him.”

“And yourself, my poor friend.”

“Only I could destroy him.” Dramatic pause. “And I have.”

He’s arrested.

Abrupt Hammer Horror Ending.

Kitty and Paul deserved better.

This review is 20 pages long, over 6K words, and it took me 4 hours to get through it because I kept pausing and rewinding to quote.

You’re welcome.

#The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll #McSh*tFace #I'm So Tired #Christopher Lee #This Took Way Too Long #Movie Review #Kitty and Paul Deserved Better #So Much Fix-It Fic To Write

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vaccinator-medic · 5 years ago

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@saw-7-birds I saw your thing about the TF2 folks having YouTube channels and wrote for it. I got carried away so instead of clogging up your post, I decided to @ you. I hope that's okay!

I guess it's technically a modern day AU as well?

Scout:

His channel name is just VeryFastGuy because he couldn't think of anything else. He posts fitness videos that are wildly inaccurate. Most of the videos are just reasons to talk a lot about baseball and to show off how fast he can run. Baseball fans would love him, and he's fun to listen to, so that's good. Sometimes he uploads footage of various baseball games and provides commentary by yelling over the announcers. Records himself watching every World Series baseball game and yells at the TV. Uses various YouTube channels to troll the other mercenaries.

Soldier:

His channel name is JaneAmerica for whatever reason. Half of the videos are on the USA. Sometimes he sings patriotic songs really badly, sometimes he tries to read the US constitution out loud (he can't read well but he gets a little further each time), and sometimes he talks about the history of the USA. The other half of his videos are of him blowing stuff up and reading romantic (crappy) poetry that he's either found or wrote himself. Scout has a field day trolling Soldier by insisting that there are different lyrics to every patriotic song Soldier posts and by making up US history facts. Soldier responds to every comment by typing in caps insisting Scout is wrong.

Pyro:

Their channel name is xpinkxkittyx32. They upload gaming videos without spoken commentary, and their camera only captures their gloved hands and keyboard. They edit text commentary in and they randomly put cat ears on things in game. Uses the :3 face a lot. They also post toy reviews, still not showing their face, just them dressed in cute sweaters. Some videos are of them setting things on fire in their full suit to see what happens and enabling Soldier's destructive explosion tendencies. Scout tries to troll Pyro but quits because Pyro responds to all of his comments with <3.

Demoman:

His YouTube channel is SCOTTISHCYCLOPSWITHSWORD. He blows crap up on camera. He teaches chemistry concepts as well, but has to be careful about not getting his channel taken down for promoting bomb building. He and Soldier collaborate sometimes. He also teaches proper sword maintenance. He sometimes streams while drunk to just talk about stuff into a camera. People love it for some reason. Occasionally uploads videos of him pretending to sword fight someone. It's usually just Sniper waving a vaguely human shaped sack around with a long stick for Demoman to fight. Scout trolls him with one of his random accounts by saying he has a cooler sword made of various impractical materials. Demoman tells Scout to tell him his location so he can sword fight him every single time. He'll even ramble about it on stream.

Heavy:

The name of his channel is just RussianLiteratureGuy because he thought it would make his channel easier to find. His channel is mostly in Russian. He reads Russian literature and gives his thoughts on them through reviewing them. He puts his literature degree to good use. Occasionally uploads him cooking something. He puts English subtitles in his videos, but the translation is a bit wonky. Once collaborated with Pyro on a gaming video and spoke in English, and people thought it was hilarious. He didn't like it very much, but decided not to take it down when he realized that people were enjoying his over the top commentary rather than making fun of his accent (well, most of the time). He still collaborates with Pyro every once in a while. Scout will leave comments on his videos wildly misunderstanding every video Heavy makes on books on purpose, while also using Google Translated Russian. Heavy, however, seriously discusses Scout's purposely bad takes in his videos so Scout actually ends up learning random things about Russian literature.

Engineer:

His channel name is EngineerIsEngihere. Oh boy. It's all about engineering, complete with all the complicated math that comes with it. It's mostly about mechanical engineering where he designs and builds stuff, but occasionally he posts something about electrical engineering. Luckily, he tries his best to explain all the math. Some videos are entirely dedicated to him building a machine instead of going in depth. Will also blow things up with his various machines, intentionally and unintentionally. Goes on and on about safety and the proper safety items one needs to build things with. Makes really bad dad jokes and puns. Scout uses one of his random YouTube accounts to try and start a rumor that Engineer is 4'7". Engineer mentions the random channel Scout is using in every video and insists he's not that short in a way that makes everyone believe that he is, in fact, that short.

Medic:

Medic's channel name is just DoveMan22352. Almost all of his videos are of his doves done with a low quality camera. It's usually just him petting the doves, feeding them, taking care of them, etc. He makes collages of them but instead of posting them on a blog or something, he makes a 3 second video of just a picture of the collage. Occasionally he'll post himself doing some wild medical science thingy. People mistakenly think he's making an ARG due to this, so he has a small batch of followers that overanalyze all his videos. Scout increasingly points out very minor things in the videos to spur on people that think the channel is an ARG. Medic has no idea what's going on and gets increasingly more confused.

Sniper:

His channel name is Archery And The Outdoors because he thought somehow that he was writing a description for his channel. Posts videos of his mediocre archery skills and videos on neat animals he sees. His commentary on the animals is pretty hilarious, mostly just him rambling off whatever he can think of. Will occasionally teach survival skills, like starting campfires. Has no idea what a "software" is so his videos have no editing whatsoever. Scout makes 30 different YouTube accounts to just post the comment "ha ha old man" on all of Sniper's videos. Sniper responds to every one of them saying "I'm 27." Has to ask Scout how to make the video go into the computer from the camera, and then how to make the video go into YouTube. Scout has access to Sniper's account because of this and randomly uploads videos of him writing "old man" on cardboard signs on Sniper's channel.

Spy:

His YouTube channel name is John Guy so he can hide his identity through a ridiculously common name. He never appears on camera, never speaks, and writes all his captions in perfect English to avoid his typing style from being traced. He mostly just rates various fashion items and complains about food he really hates. Uploads very rarely. Scout trolls him by leaving seemingly innocent comments that also slightly hint at knowing Spy's identity. Like, he'll review a watch and Scout on a dummy account will comment, "Hey! I know a guy with a watch exactly like that," or, "You should upload knife tricks." Every time Spy tries to track down Scout, Scout just deletes his channel and makes a new one. He is also hidden behind a VPN, the Tor Onion client, and a proxy. The only team member with better knowledge on computers is Pyro.

BONUS

Miss Pauling:

Her channel name is Cleaning Up Crimes. It's dedicated to teaching people how to clean up dead bodies and dispose of evidence in various ways. She doesn't get taken down because everyone assumes it's some kind of ARG, a parody channel, or a joke channel. Miss Pauling speaking in a very cheesy, incredibly cheerful voice adds to this effect. Scout doesn't troll her. Instead, he leaves comments through his main channel that's always something like "<3 thanks! I'll use this in the future!"

The Administrator: "What is a YouTube?"

#my stuff

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hellzyeahwebwieldingreviews · 5 years ago

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Untold Tales of Spider-Man 01: Side by Side with the Astonishing Ant-Man – by Will Murray

A.k.a. Untold Tales of Marvel Team-Up.

Scientist Henry Pym (who is also Ant-Man) is worried about the new mysterious character known as Spider-Man. He sends a message to his ants via his cybernetic helmet, asking them to report any Spider-Man appearances. This message is picked up by a shadowy figure (who should be a secret except that Steven Butler's illustration that precedes the story prominently features Egghead) and this figure hatches (no pun intended) a plan.

Two weeks later, a giant tarantula appears at the top of the Excelsior Building and spins a web from it across to the Goodman Building. A panhandler named Oleck witnesses this. I don't know what it is about these prose stories that inspire the writers to use proper names as an honorarium but Murray is big on it here. "Excelsior" is Stan Lee's longtime rallying cry, Martin Goodman was Marvel's publisher all through the 60s renaissance (and before). Jack Oleck was a prolific EC and DC writer from the 50s to the 70s. Anyway, the ants spy the tarantula and send a frantic message to Pym. He interprets the image of the giant spider as the ant's version of Spider-Man and ventures out to investigate. Spidey investigates too. The two heroes meet and Ant-Man, assuming Spidey is behind the tarantula, initiates a fight. (The misunderstanding that results in two heroes fighting is as annoying in prose as it is in the comics.) During this dust-up, Spidey gets socked with Pym's reducing gas and ends up as tiny as Ant-Man. As Spidey fights off an army of ants, Hank makes his way to the tarantula and discovers it is a robot and that Egghead (er... that is, a "hulking figure" with a familiar "bullet shape of the head") is inside. He tries to summon his ants and discovers that his ant frequency is jammed. So, he makes amends with Spidey and the two swap headgear. With Hank's cybernetic helmet, Spidey can now summon spiders, which he sends to sabotage the Tarantula. Realizing that Spidey and Ant-Man are allies, not enemies, Egghead (er... "the man calling himself the Tarantula") uses an ejection seat to make his escape.

In the aftermath, Ant-Man makes Spidey regular-sized again. He tells him their enemy is Egghead who had "cracked the secret of my ability to communicate with ants, and attempted to turn them against me. He failed because my ants are my allies, not my slaves." It seems Egghead has made the same mistake in his view of Spidey and Ant-Man. Ant-Man offers to make Spidey a helmet so that he can contact spiders. Spidey turns him down because "up close and personal, spiders creep me out." The two say their good-byes, sure that they will meet again.

This story isn’t necessarily the best one to kick the anthology off with.

That has less to do with the story’s quality so much as it’s nature as well...a Marvel Team-Up story.

Surely in an anthology titled ‘Untold Tales of SPIDER-MAN’ the opening story should be more typical for what Spidey stories are known for or at the very least you know...more focussed upon SPIDER-MAN????

What’s funny is that in spite of making this fundamental misstep the story makes a point of providing the necessary exposition to enable newer readers to get the gist of who Spidey is, his origins and his motives. It comes off as redundant nowdays but remember back in 1997 Spider-Man wasn’t as well known as he is today.

Anyway, the story itself isn’t badly written and succeeds at what it is trying to be. And that is a silver age inspired MTU story with Spider-Man and Ant-Man.

On that front I have to concede it was structurally pretty perfect. MTU issues back in the 1970s-1980s chiefly existed for the three purposes.

a) Tryout potential new writers

b) Squeeze an extra comic’s worth of cash from the readership because Spidey auto sells anything

c) Promote other characters through exposure to Marvel’s #1 star

To that end most MTU issues tended to give a lot of the spotlight over to the guest stars and the villains (who were typically connected to said guest star) with a cliché ‘super hero misunderstanding brawl’ often happening prior to the heroes uniting against a common foe.

In fact that was just about the standard structure for most guest appearances in the silver age whenever a guest character would show up for most of the issue.

For the most part, this story competently executes that structure as the villain is both from Ant-Man’s rogue’s gallery and the adventure definitely plays more on his home turf than in Spidey’s. However the story is thematically consistent in that regard and makes excellent use of Spidey and Ant-Man’s insect connection through the use of the antagonist, swapping costumes and giving each hero a taste of one another’s abilities (for good or ill).*

The two major drawbacks of this story, aside from simply being an MTU story in the first place (and therefore not a good Spider-Man story) lies in how much of a stickler you want to be.

The first is that the pseudo physics of Spider-Man being shrunk down boggle the mind. I get that if Ant-Man is shrunk down he retains his full size strength because of magic comic book science. And that works fine when he is fighting normal sized people.

But what has always been unclear to me is how that works when he is fighting insects or other animals. If he has the strength of a normal sized human but he’s the size of an ant and fighting an ant is the power gap the same as though he was normal size? Or can the ant hurt him because proportionally the dynamics have changed.

It becomes more insane when you consider Spider-Man’s powers are the proportional strength/speed/agility of a spider. The story claims Spider-Man retains his normal sized strength but his strength is literally dependant upon his body proportions. Wouldn’t he be as strong as a spider the size and shape of a shrunk Spidey?

Again, this is a stickler question because none of the science here made sense to begin with and Ant-Man and Spider-Man were two characters never designed to jive together.

The second drawback lies in the cliché super hero misunderstanding. As was common practice in the silver age, the guest character is typically the aggressor and douchebag and sure enough Ant-Man’s antagonism here feels a little forced and contrived. The story subtextually tries to justify this on Spider-Man’s costume making him just look scary and wild rumours flying around about him. The flipside to that criticism though is that this story is actively trying to evoke the Silver Age. So whilst it was a cliché in 1997 for super heroes to have brawls ensue from misunderstandings, it wasn’t in the era this story is harkening back to.

In fact the wacky science can be argued to be a throwback to that less realistic era as well. After all the comic book UToSM wasn’t written in a style contemporary to the mid-late 1990s.

But it also wasn’t as much of a throwback as this story was. This story doesn’t so much evoke silver age Marvel stories it kind of outright is one but with better dialogue.

Another little quibble is that I feel this story rather contradicts the comic book first meeting between Spidey and Hank Pym, when he was Giant Man and accompanied by the Wasp. There there were a lot less cordial than they leave off here, but again that was not uncommon in the silver age.

Finally the vocal performance was not the best. The narrator frankly sounds too old, fitting only Egghead’s voice and not really anyone else’s. I know he is doing a teen Spidey here, but he wouldn’t really fit a mid-20s Spidey either.

Over all I enjoyed this story, it was fun, it just isn’t the best opener.

What will be interesting to see going forward is if the stories across the book move linearly across Spider-Man’s chronology. If so then that might explain this story’s placement.

*Yes, I know spiders aren’t insects, they are arachnids. But this story doesn’t so while it is a faux pas, the execution of it’s misinformation is very good.

P.S. I should note that this wasn’t the first time Spider-Man had gone on an adventure wherein he had been shrunk down. A story told across the Spidey annuals in 1990 saw Spidey go miniature and team up with Ant-Man (albeit Scott Lang not Hank Pym). I confess to have no recollection of it to compare to, though my gut feeling is that this story probably contradicts it. If nothing else because that story predates this one the fact that Spider-Man would never have mentioned having gone tiny before in the annuals would be something of a plot hole. Of course how much we should hold these stories to continuity is highly debatable, but the intent is cleary to slip into (then) established canon.

P.P.S. The story ends laughing at the idea of Spider-Man talking to spiders. If only the author had known what Paul Jenkins would do in 2004...

#Hank Pym #Ant-Man #Spider-Man #Peter Parker #Egghead #Paul Jenkins #Untold Tales Of Spider-Man

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

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Survey #218

“give me liberty or death. ... ah, fuck it, just give me death.”

Do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? Me. What is the nearest glass object to you? A cup. Were either of your parents baptized? I'm sure my mom was, but I have no clue about Dad. The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? No. What was the last computer game that you played? World of Warcraft. If you had to choose a new cell phone, what phone would you pick? Some sort of iPhone. I hate my Samsung. Has anyone killed one of your pets before? People have run over our cats before, but I'm certain that wasn't intentional. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. Are any rooms in your house themed? No. Is there a song that as soon as you hear it you are happier? At least to a degree. Do you have a push lawnmower or a riding lawnmower? We don't have one; Mom pays someone to do it. He uses a riding one, though. When was the last time someone teased you? Idr. Would you trust a vehicle that automatically parallel parks for you? Lmao could probably do it better than I could. Have you ever hit a car while parking? No, but I rarely drive anyway and never park close to others. When you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken? Burgers. When was the last time you used Microsoft Excel? No clue. What was the last thing that you recorded? I was WAY too excited the rare felhound mount dropped for me in WoW so I had to show Sara while I screamed lmao. Have you ever edited an article on Wikipedia? No. Do you like the show Futurama? I've never been into what I've seen. Have you ever found an arrow head? I don't remember ever having had. Have you given up any bad habits for someone? Don't think so. Who is with you? My cat's in the room, as is of course Venus. In what part of your life so far, have you learnt the most about yourself? 2017-2018, probably. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. What aggravates you most about people in general? I guess if you want to put all humans together, I guess you never know what's gonna hurt who. When they have a valid reason to be hurt by it, anyway. Are your ears pierced? Twice in each lobe and then my right tragus. What did you last say out loud? Something to Teddy about wanting so much attention. Not at all in a bad way. Do you like anything about being angry? Fuck no. Did you have a summer job this year? No. Where do you wish you were? I've been dying to be at Sara's BAD LATELY MY MAN. Do you get surprises often? No, nor do I like them. I get too nervous. Name a crime you have committed? Illegally downloading things. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? No, not normally. You're in jail… Who bails you out? Dad, most likely, taking money into account. I don't even know if he could afford bailing someone out, though. Are your feelings hurt easily? YEAH. What’s the ultimate cake topping? Just frosting. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails? Never. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? Nope. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? Lol no. Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? No. Have you ever needed stitches? At least twice. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? I'd say no, even if it was Sara. We're not ready for that yet. Which fictional character do you wish was real? Sobs all my favorites of everything are villains and therefore shouldn't be brought to life. Uhhhh. Idk. Maybe Harry Mason from SH 'cuz the entire human population deserves a dad like that. Do you own a lava lamp? I wish. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Yes to hot tub, but you couldn't pay me to set foot in a sauna. Have you ever had chicken pox? No. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. We would've found fossil evidence by now, I think. Who’s your favorite god from ancient history? Man, idk. I love mythology. But memory is pretty faint though so I don't remember what most did/what they stand for. What was the last present you received? Uhhhh I'm not sure. Could you go out with someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. I am not being a mother figure for anyone. What was your first alcoholic drink? Hard lemonade. What was your first detention for? I've only ever had detention for excessive tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever appeared on YouTube? EW LET'S FORGET THAT. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you like your own name? I do. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Fuck no. Could you ever split up a couple for one reason or another? I mean I'd urge one to leave the other if they were abusive or not really in love or something like that. I wouldn't out of my own interests. Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? The Paul brothers are fucking obnoxious trash. Is there anyone you work with that you don’t get along with? Why? N/A Have you ever been romantically interested in a coworker? No. Have you ever been romantically involved with a coworker? No. What is the game you’re currently playing most often on your phone? None. Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? Adopt. I understand the temptation of wanting a certain breed of pet, but you've gotta think beyond your desires here. There are so, so, SO many homeless cats and dogs especially that need homes. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, I believe. Why were you last pulled over? I never have been, thank GOD. Do you have any friends that own a private lake? I can just about guarantee no. Are you cool with swimming in a lake? It would depend on the lake. Do you have a drone? No. Do you have any t-shirts from any local businesses? No. Do you listen to any talk shows or podcasts? Only Mark's and his friends'. Do you know anyone who’s had their own podcast? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you stayed in a hotel? The beach. Do you know anyone who is freaked out by cats? No. What kind of music do your parents listen to? Mom loves (classic) metal and rock like me, but she also enjoys Christian music. Dad likes rock and classic metal/rock. What do you do when you can’t escape thoughts of your ex? I mean, I'm a bad person to ask, because my PTSD is tied to my ex. My case is far more extreme. All you really can do is try to do things to distract yourself. What do you think about indoor pets? Love 'em. How it should be most of the time for most animals. Would you agree that love is blind? Very. Did your first real significant other change you at all? Yes. Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? I don't think so, if I was to ever be in that situation with a man again. How many schools have you been to? Five, but I'm about to start my sixth. Do any songs give you goosebumps? I get goosebumps very, VERY easily when it comes to music. I don't even have to really like the song. What do you think about divorce? Sadly necessary in extreme cases. What’s your favorite way to eat peanut butter? In a Reese's lol. Do you still watch any cartoons meant for kids? I don't watch TV now, but if I was still into watching shows, I'd totally still follow Pokemon. What’s your favorite kind of cereal? Man, idk. Maybe Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What were you doing the last time you were on a roof? Just sitting up there. Do you have any stickers on your car? Mom has I think one? Have you ever given someone flowers? I'll always remember this one Mother's Day where I went down our old path with my sister and friend and we picked up SO many flowers to put in a glass cup as a bouquet for Mom. So yeah. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? I don't usually search them out, but they're on my iPod, and I won't generally skip 'em if a Nirvana song comes along. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I hate seeing animals in pain and/or dying. Are you easily scared by horror movies? Not at all. How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? I've never been pulled over. When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? I've no idea. Do you enjoy plane journeys, if you’ve ever been on one? If we're just talking the ride and not the process leading up to it, and so long I've the window seat, yeah, they're fine. What’s the last movie you’ve seen in theaters and can honestly say you enjoyed? I adored the live action TLK, truly and thoroughly. I didn't at all get the hate. Like I know a common criticism is they took the realism too far (they were lacking in expression), but I liked that, honestly. It made it feel all the more real. I mean honestly, I possibly liked it more than the animated (save for the "Be Prepared" singing), and that movie is sacred to me. Have you ever seen your father cry? I've only seen him tear up like once in my life. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? They'd be confused as fuck because I'm the polar opposite of promiscuous, monogamous, advise that to only happen after marriage, and am with a girl. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? It's going great. We're just ready to no longer be long-distance. How big is your bed? Queen-sized. Do you believe the Holocaust happened? No??????????? fucking????????????????? shit??????????????????????????????? Ever spent any time on a military base? No. Have you ever tried putting black pepper on mac ‘n’ cheese? (It’s good!) Yes, delicious. Has a wild animal ever been loose in your house? Not our current house. We lived in the woods beforehand, and we did have mild mice problems in the winter. Have you ever felt a temperature below 0? No. Have you ever seen a volcano? Not in person. Are you a fan of Janis Joplin? I've actually never really listened to her. Have you ever mowed the lawn (even a little bit)? No. What’s the closest river to you? The Tar River. Don't mind sharing considering it's ginormous. Who were the last 3 males you talked to? My nephew, his dad, then my own dad. What was the last form of communication you used to speak to your best friend? (e.g. text message, phone call) Text. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Uhhhh I think some kind of white wine? Did you like it? Not in the slightest. What’s your favorite feature of the person you’re currently interested in? She has the cutest random little freckle on her hip. Do you remember the first CD you ever bought? I believe the first I personally wanted and got was the Swan Songs album by Hollywood Undead. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You have NOT lived until you've eaten Bojangle's fries. They have a special seasoning that is absolutely spectacular. The Bojangle's experience is so important that it's the first place we went when Sara first came here lmao. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Don't believe so. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. What is your favorite gaming console? PS2, always. What was the last major city you visited? Chicago. I mean, or Raleigh, if you count it as a "major" one. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? I only really consider Jason and Sara as "romantic" relationships. Have you ever used a leaf blower? No. What would you say is the worst part of high school, period? The shift from child to young adult. Hormones make the experience so, so much more difficult than it needs to be. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? Red. They're usually the most crisp. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? It'd either be Mom or Sara, definitely. I can't really say without being in that moment, idk. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? Fuck no. I've only ever done it once and never will again, even though the one occasion went fine. Who was the last person to call you fat, if anyone at all? Myself lmao. What color skin does the last person you danced with have? White. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. What is the worst name a friend has ever called you? Do you remember? I can promise you one has most certainly called me a bitch or worse. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? At the start of high school, I remember I'd sometimes daydream about being a guitarist, but it was never something I like, actively craved. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? *blinks* Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. When did you last spend the night at someone’s house? December of last year. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? If I'm at Sara's. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier? NO. I'm much unlike I used to be in that I prefer brightness. It actually does affect my mood; I recommend to aaaaanybody who suffers from depression to stay in a bright room. I used to live in the dark as well, and I promise, it makes a difference. Have you ever learned any self-defense? If not, would you be interested in learning? No, and yes, especially with how incredibly paranoid I am. Do you like Gushers? Yaaaaas hunty. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have anything to worry about? LOL HUH??????? NO WORRIES??????? How old was the last child that you spoke to? Three. What is the name of the last perfume you put on? "Crazy Lady." That perfume is years upon YEARS old. It was a birthday present from Summer, and seeing as I barely ever wear perfume, it's still in my room. Expired, I'm sure, lol. Are you waiting for something to arrive in the mail? No. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Do you like your orange juice with lots or no pulp? NONONONONONONO. I absolutely will not drink orange juice with pulp. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I think so? How long have you had the hairbrush you are currently using? I use a comb now that we've had actually forever. What projects are you doing now for school? I'm not in school, not quite yet anyway. :') Do you know what durian is? Do you like it? No. I would never try it. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I don't know, and I don't plan on looking. Most likely some selfie. Do you like coconut flavored things? NO. Coconut is disgusting. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't think so, and I truly hope not... How often do you get a fever? Like, never. What kind of laundry basket do you use? It's just a plain, white, plastic one. As a child, did you ever have a clown or a magician at your birthday parties? I actually believe I had both. I know I had a pair of clowns once, and with how into magic I was, I would expect I've had had one. Do you have a permit or license? I have my permit. It's more than due time I work more towards my license... List all the stores you’ve been in this past month. I think the only one is PetSmart. Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? No, because I was never that childish. Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Do you like sour candy? My favorite! Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Most likely Pink Sands Beach in the Bahamas, but honestly I'm terrified of the Bermuda Triangle, so that's unlikely, lmao. That black sand beach in Hawaii, however, will do. Are all nighters something you have grown used to? BIIIIIIITCH I've outgrown that shit. I'm rarely up past 10 at the latest these days. Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? Anything, no. Smoothies or slushies? Slushies. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? Nooooooo. Elaborate on a way you have volunteered? I once volunteered at PetSmart during an adoption event, giving the cats and dogs attention while people visited. I absolutely fell in LOVE with a dog there that I begged Mom to get, and she came pretty close. I cried leaving, ha ha... Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? No. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Um, Ozzy????? Duh??????? My Dad???????? Is great?????????????? If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? And here you have it, the stupidest question I've seen on a survey. Have you ever been around someone who was high? Yeah. Could you handle living with a male roommate? No, with how afraid I am of men. It'd only work if it was with a long-time bf. Have you spoken to your mother today? Father? For once, both. Do you live by yourself? No. Do you shower every day? No, it's unhealthy and I don't find every day necessary. Especially when you live my hermit life. Is English your native language? Yes. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? N/A Do you watch PewDiePie? Very, very rarely. I'm not that into his content anymore, and his humor changed from more original to heavily meme-ish. Are you married? No. Did you ever color your hair pink? No, but totally not apposed. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? Yeah, some. Do you salt your popcorn? Sadly. Do you like McDonalds? Don't even try to bullshit, you don't mind McD's. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. It's a cool series though, and I enjoy watching LPs of it. Do you like horror movies? YESSSSSS my favorite. Is your favorite animal a dog? No. Do you like chicken nuggets? mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM What color is the ceiling in the room? White. Do you like religion? It's interesting, but has done a shitload of evil. However, it has also made wonderful people. It depends on how you use it. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yeah. Can you twerk? Idk and idc. Do you like dabbing? It looks remarkably stupid/like you're sneezing into your elbow. Do you like fishing? I do, but I've stopped doing it. I feel too bad for the fish. Do you like sleeping? Oh fuck yeah. What do you think of Fifty Shades of Grey? Fucking disgusting, whether in book or movie format. Do you swear in front of children? No. Which Pirates of the Caribbean do you like the most? Never watched 'em. What do you think of Rob Zombie? I enjoy a lot of his music. How far out of your age bracket would you date? Once you hit 10 years, it's a no for me. Have you ever had an STD? No. Is the area you live in more liberal or conservative? I live in the South. Take a wild guess. Have you picked out flower petals, saying, ‘He loves me, he loves me not?' No. Do you like to pace? It's not that I "like" to, it's just a habit. What’s the greatest thing about science? Learning about the world around us. Discovering how life works. Does it annoy you when people dumb themselves down to be cool? It's not "annoying," it's just stupid. Intelligence is cool. What’s a song you like from the genre you hate? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw is a heavy exception. I adore that song. Are your parents divorced? Yeah, they separated when I was like, 16-17. Who was your first friend? Brianna. Have you ever been to Germany? Hell, I wish. What do you hear right now? I'm currently obsessed with "Brand New Numb" by Motionless In White. Have you ever been ice skating? No. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Would you consider yourself a shy person? I am one of the shyest people you will ever meet in your life. Do you like techno? Yeah, actually. I've really gotten into electronic music. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Can you whistle? No. My lip ring is probably what makes me unable to anymore. How many X-rays have you had in the last 2 years? Three. One of my knees, then over the course of two years, I believe two for my teeth at the dentist. Are you on good terms with your last ex? Yeah. Do you own an Xbox? No. Favorite Snapchat filter? I've never used Snapchat before. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. What’s the worst thing you have ever done? Depends on how you mean "worst." Most damaging to me, let myself turn Jason into a god in my head and nearly kill myself for it. As far as most immoral, probably be partially responsible for why my former best friend and her bf broke up because he wound up liking me because I was a dumb 12 y/o. What's your favorite candle scent? Probably coffee or cinnamon rolls. Do you take any medications daily? Yeah. What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) An annoying combo. What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) A small one. Are you going to change your last name when you get married? Yes, I hate my last name. Last person you called? Mom. Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? I don't like sprinkles at all. The texture ruins treats. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom, I'm sure. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I wouldn't say "scary," just incredibly awkward. You'd never see me do it. Would you want to be in a collab channel on YouTube? I don't even want to risk popularity, so no. Do you watch any collab channels? Which ones? Game Grumps and Sam & Colby, mainly. What colors have you dyed your hair, if any? Black, purple, and red. What is your gender and sexual orientation? Female and bisexual. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No, but they seem REALLY fun. Ever performed on stage? Was it scary or amazing or both? Yeah, many times for dance. It was really neither for me. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. Have you tried the Beyond or Impossible burger? Thoughts? No, but I want to, especially as I plan on returning to vegetarianism at one point. When was the last time you ate your all-time favorite candy? Oh wow, months. When was the last time you made friends with old enemies? Some time last year, Rachel and I reconnected. She's cool as hell now. When was the last time you took time to pray? It's been a long time. I don't believe it does anything. What is a movie that you heard about recently that you do NOT want to see? Is that "Cats" movie real or was the trailer a fever dream???? What do you do during long trips in the car? I just blare music. Best kind of music to dance to? And the worst kind of music to dance to? I really love "different" songs that warrant a modern sort of dance style. It was my favorite when I took dance, and it's by far my favorite to watch. Worst, I guess like, screamo. How would you dance???? Last candy you tried that you did not enjoy? Or one that you did enjoy? Oh my god. So I tried that new Reese's doughnut from Krispy Kreme today, and it. Was. Repulsive. A candy I actually liked, idk. I rarely ever have treats anymore. Were you a chubby or thin baby? I was normal. Have you ever not given a tip at a restaurant? Why didn’t you? N/A, y'all know my money situation. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve considered doing lately? Okay, I'll admit I at least briefly pondered the possibility of getting a nipple pierced after an eternity of saying I never would lmao. I'm not, tho. Have you ever known somebody who ran away? Most likely. What are your thoughts on Batman? I think it's cool he has that policy of never killing anyone, and he also doesn't have any actual powers, does he? I don't remember. The whole Batman universe (or comics for that matter) is one I don't really connect to anymore, as it was Jason's obsession, so it's a dangerous topic for me. When I say Dr. Seuss, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Green Eggs and Ham. I loooved that book as a kid. Rollercoasters that go upside down… yes please or no thank you? Hell to the motherfuckin no thanks. Is there a certain place or store you especially hate going to? Grocery stores. What was the last animal/pet that you met? There was a BEAUTIFUL standard poodle Mom and I briefly interacted with at the pet store a week or so back. Is there something in particular you always seem to forget? Straighten the shower curtain after I get out so it dries properly. When was the last time you had to wait in line for longer than a few minutes? *shrugs* Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No. What was the last board game you played? I think it was all the way back when Sara, Girt, and I played Scrabble.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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huahsu · 6 years ago

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YEAR OF THE GHOST DOG

[TL;DR version for the New Yorker -- I loved many great short songs and became obsessed with (1) a very old, much longer one (2) and YouTube comments this year.] [links to previous year’s lists at the bottom]

A while back, I found myself in an extended funk. The reasons are uninteresting and honestly a bit dumb, a mix of everyday bummers and more existential stuff, all of which manifested in a kind of 360º sluggishness. I couldn’t really figure my way out of it but I believed that I would eventually stop feeling this way.

One night, I saw that someone online was selling a copy of the Emulations “These Are the Things,” a magnificent soul ballad 7″ out of Oakland. I wasn’t exactly homesick for the Bay Area, but something about the song’s roots, as well as its overwhelming feeling of optimistic yearning, resonated with (through?) me. There’s a moment when the singer’s falsetto peaks, and the piano starts cascading, and things feel like they’re going to work out after all. The copy for sale wasn’t in great shape, and it cost $100, an extravagant amount of money to spend on a piece of music. But I convinced myself that I’d feel better at some point, weeks, months, or years later, and I’d listen to my Emulations single, and recall that weird summer/fall.

As often happened with independently produced records of the sixties and seventies, “These Are the Things” was pressed on styrene, rather than vinyl. Styrene is a kind of plastic that’s lighter, cheaper and much more fragile than vinyl, and you can tell the difference by a kind of hollow plink when you put it on a turntable. Styrene also means that it has a limited life, and that each time the needle drags across its grooves, the record degrades a little bit. Over time, styrene records that get played a lot no longer sound as crisp or clear (or so it seems). I listened to it once it arrived, feeling a bit of regret at this wild expenditure, but also imagining my future self’s gratitude. I imagined entering into communion with everyone who had played this copy before me. I decided to only listen to the song once a year, if that--after all, each time I listened to the record, the song was changing, slightly.

A few months later, I felt normal (whatever that means) again, and the record became a marker of...I’m not sure what--maybe a kind of blind, stubborn optimism. Someone years later uploaded the song onto YouTube, which means I can listen to it whenever I want. This fall, I was trying and failing to spend less time on the Internet. But I decided that, instead of going on Twitter and Facebook, I would just read comments fans left on YouTube. I became obsessed with reading all the intimate histories people shared with one another--the chance encounters, the teenage dates and breakups, the seventies shop owners who recalled the days when stocking the right hit single could cover an entire month’s rent. I was listening to the Emulations when I noticed this comment, from Deric Jackson, who was apparently one of the group’s members: “I sung this song when I was 19yrs old. It was a pleasure to record and send this messageout into the airways. I have been with the women that God had given me to marry when I was 22yrs old. I did not understand at that time I was singing about my own life and the women who I had not met, but how wonderful it is to be with my wife fo 35yrs and life is still a breath of fresh air and wonderful. I would like to say to all real men love your wife, never worship her only one to worship is God alone.“ I’m pretty agnostic about most things relating to providence. But I felt as though I had been living in these words: “I did not understand at that time...” Jackson’s song was a prophecy, maybe even a conjuring, of his own path, and I wonder what he hears when he listens to it now. Sometimes you don’t know what’s coming next. But there’s always another song, and it doesn’t always sound the same as the last time.

(LATE 2017 BUT I REALLY DOUBT ANYONE NOTICED AKA THE FRENCH “MO BAMBA”) Junior Bvndo, “T’as ça #3 (Kylian Mbappe)”

I WILL LISTEN TO ANYTHING THAT USES DISTORTION Sheck Wes, “Wanted” OR OLD SCHOOL STABS Santi feat. Shane Eagle and Amaarae, “Rapid Fire” EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I LIKE THINGS THAT SOUND MESSY AND SLOPPY BUT ARE ACTUALLY PERFECT Caleb Giles featuring Cleo Reed, “Name” WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN AS GOOD AS IF IT HAD BEEN PERFECT, THE WARPED AND SMUDGED BEAUTY IS WHAT MAKES IT BEAUTIFUL Tirzah, Devotion Niagara, Apologia SAME, BUT SLIGHTLY OFF-STEP Blood Orange, “Charcoal Baby” THE BEST GENRE OF MUSIC REMAINS “SADE” Sade, “Flower of the Universe” and “The Big Unknown” Amber Mark, “Love is Stronger Than Pride” Bon Iver and Moses Sumney, “By Your Side” Kelela, “Like a Tattoo” 808s AND HEARTBREAK AND NEAR-OCTOGENERIANS Swamp Dogg, “She’s All Mind All Mind” I WASN’T AS ENAMORED WITH A LOT OF “NEW JAZZ” BUT DID LIKE Sam Wilkes, Wilkes Sam Gendel and Sam Wilkes, Music for Saxofone & Bass Guitar …WHICH REMINDED ME A BIT OF THIS FACEMELTING REISSUE (RIYL: ALICE COLTRANE, DON CHERRY, ETC ETC) John Tchicai, With Strings SPEAKING OF TERRIFIC JAZZ-ADJACENT STUFF Dos Santos, “Manos Anjenas” THE ORIGINAL “BIG MOOD” Okonkolo, Cantos THE YEAR I REALLY REKINDLED MY LOVE OF THE CELLO Clarice Jensen, For This From That Will Be Filled Oliver Coates, “A Church” …WHICH I DEFINITELY PREFER TO VIOLIN--ESP PIZZICATO--THOUGH THIS WAS QUITE GOOD Sudan Archives, “Nont for Sale” HARPS ALWAYS SOUND GOOD Leya, The Fool Meg Baird and Mary Lattimore, Ghost Forests ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR WOODBLOCKS AND VIBES Kate NV, для FOR AS WELL AS MIAMI BASS SIGNIFIERS (KICKSTARTER FOR CITY GIRLS TO RAP OVER DJ BATTLECAT IN 2019) City Girls, “Act Up” AND BANJO DRONE...WHY NOT Nathan Bowles, Plainly Mistaken ALBUMS THAT I LIKED IN 2018, AND THAT I SENSE I WILL LIKE EVEN MORE BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR Ben LaMarr Gay, Downtown Castles Can Never Block the Sun Neneh Cherry, Broken Politics AN ALBUM THAT I WISH WAS TEN ALBUMS Tierra Whack, Whack World AN ALBUM I WISH WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER Pusha-T, Daytona OF THE MANY REASONS I MOURN THE DEATH OF “THE ALBUM,” ONE IS THAT I ALWAYS LIKE TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE DO WITH THAT LAST SONG YG, “Bomptown Finest” OR HOW ALBUMS, FULL OF SIGNS, ANGLES, FLEETING MOMENTS, CIRCULATE AND RE-CIRCULATE Angelique Kidjo, Remain in Light AND HOW THEY ARE LIKE WHAT NOVELS REPRESENTED IN THE AGE OF POETRY—OPPORTUNITIES TO LIVE INSIDE COMPLEXITY, SPACE, A DEMOS U.S. Girls, In a Poem Unlimited ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR WAS A SOUNDTRACK... Kendrick Lamar et al, Black Panther AND TEASER FOR Jay Rock, Redemption AND ANOTHER WAS JUST SOME RAP SONGS Earl Sweatshirt, Some Rap Songs WHICH ISN’T TO SAY ARTISTS DON’T STILL VALUE AND HAVE FUN WITH THE FORMAT Vince Staples, FM A TWENTY-FIVE TRACK ADVENTURE INTO VIBES Pink Siifu, ensley AND SOMETIMES TWENTY MINUTES OR SO IS ENOUGH boygenius, boygenius ONE MORE ALBUM THING – FIRST SONGS HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE THESIS STATEMENTS, AND STREAMING HAS ONLY APPLIED MORE PRESSURE TO THE SOOTHING, BEWITCHING, PERFECT WELCOME Mac Miller, “Come Back to Earth” MAC MILLER AND THUNDERCAT LOOK SO HAPPY HERE whole thing, but esp six minutes in, and even more so about nine minutes in THE BEST VIBES Show Dem Camp feat. Boj and Ajebutter 22, “Damiloun” Koffee, “Toast” HAPPY-GO-LUCKY B/W DEVIL-MAY-CARE Shoreline Mafia, “Nun Major” I LIKE NEF AND EPs PERFECTLY SUIT HIM Nef the Pharaoh and 03 Greedo, Porter 2 Grape

RAPPING AS FAST AS YOU CAN OVER FREESTYLE/HI-NRG WILL NEVER SOUND BAD TO ME… SOB X RBE, “Paid in Full” SOB X RBE, “Carpoolin’” …ALTHOUGH THEY ALSO SOUND SICK OVER FAKE GHOST DOG BEATS, TOO, THIS WAS ONE OF MY SONGS OF THE YEAR SOB X RBE, “Paramedic!” SAME WITH MEDHANE Medhane, “The Garden” TRIPPIE REDD PUTS OUT A LOT OF MUSIC FILLED WITH TRANSCENDENT MOMENTS, BUT RARELY MAKES TRANSCENDENT SONGS, AND IT PAINS ME A BIT THAT MY FAVORITE SONG OF HIS THIS YEAR WAS Diplo featuring Trippie Redd, “Wish” TRIPPY-ASS DOO-WOP Cuco, “Sunnyside” A STRONG HARMONY IS A VISION OF WHAT LIFE COULD BE Ben Pirani, “How Do I Talk to My Brother?” WHERE WERE U IN 94 Young Echo, Young Echo SWEAR I'VE NEVER HEARD MUSIC THIS “GREY” ManOnMars, ManOnMars IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A FAKE D’ANGELO SONG, IT SHOULD BE THIS GOOD Patrick Paige III, “Voodoo” LIKED THIS, BUT IT’S ALSO POSSIBLE TO BE A BIT TOO FAITHFUL TO THE PAST Teyana Taylor, “Hold On” NOT QUITE FAYE WONG DOING THE CRANBERRIES (RIP DOLORES O’RIORDAN) BUT STILL MEMORABLE Katherine Ho, “Yellow” LIKE THE BEST PARTS OF FEELS-ERA ANIMAL COLLECTIVE, BUT TAIWANESE Prairie WWWW

NEVER THOUGHT TO VISIT THE LOUVRE UNTIL The Carters, “Apeshit” video BROWN EXCELLENCE Humeysha, Departures "BROWN BEATS” FOREVER RIP Cameron Paul

MY FAVORITE DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR Pharoah Sanders playing “Kazuko” in a tunnel near the Marin Headlands LIKE NONE OF ITS INFLUENCES (FOOTWORK, AMBIENT), LIKE NOTHING ELSE OUT THERE, REALLY Foodman, Aru Otoko No Densetsu DARESAY SKI MASK WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN BOOED OUT OF THE CIPHER Ski Mask the Slump God, Beware the Book of Eli THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON I’VE SEEN ON THE BIG SCREEN AT THE PAST THREE YEARS’ NETS GAMES IS Young M.A., “PettyWap” DEMOS FROM A GROUP I HAVE ALWAYS ADORED, BEFORE THEY FOUND THE SOUND THAT I ADORE The Nonce, 1990 EXTREMELY GOOD AND LARGELY OVERLOOKED REISSUE Suzanne Menzel, Goodbyes and Beginnings FOUR TET IS GOING THROUGH HIS LIVE ARCHIVES, AND IT’S A TREAT TO STUDY HIS ARC/EVOLUTION Live at Hultsfred Festival, 18th June 2004 Live at LPR New York, 17th February 2010 Live in Tokyo, 1st December 2013 Live at Funkhaus Berlin, 10th May 2018 STRANGE TO LIVE IN A MOMENT WHERE BEING WEIRD SEEMS A BIT DERIVATIVE. STILL, THIS IS BLISSFUL SahBabii, “Anime World” HAPPY FACE Smino, “Klink” SAD FACE Drake, “In My Feelings” (especially this version) “JIM FROM THE OFFICE” FACE Pusha-T, “The Story of Adidon” STOLE YOUR FACE Sophie, “Faceshopping” FACE/OFF YG and Mozzy, “Too Brazy” Sammy Bananas feat Antony and Cleopatra, “Slow Down” Kode 9 and Burial, Fabriclive 100 GASSED FACE E-40 and B-Legit, “Whooped" ABSOLUTELY FACEMELTING Todd Barton and Ursula K. Le Guin, Music and Poetry of the Kesh VACATION AWAY MESSAGE SiR, “D’Evils” Bad Bunny x PJ Sin Suela x Nejo, “Cual Es Tu Plan” BEST OPENING DISCLAIMER TO A VIDEO 808INK, “Come Down” “TAGS: LATIN CHORAL CUMBIA GOTH LOS ANGELES” San Cha, “Cosmic Ways”

BEST USE OF “OOCHIE WALLY,” STILL ONE OF MY FAVORITE BEATS EVER Stefflon Don, “Oochie Wally freestyle” BEST USE OF “SUPERTHUG” Rico Nasty, “Countin’ Up” EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS--THE HEADBANG MINIMALISM, THE LAS VEGAS WALGREENS--BUT ESPECIALLY THE LINE ABOUT WELLS FARGO Rico Nasty, “Trust Issues” “ORGASM ADDICT” (RIP PETE SHELLEY) Victor Oladipo, “One Day” “I JUST TOOK A FLIGHT TO FRANCE TO COP CARDIGANS” Black Thought and Styles P, “Making a Murderer” “AT THE EMIRATES I MILLY ROCK” Manzo and Malachi Amour, “Lingard” DOPE TUNE, AND UNEXPECTED KELLYANNE CONWAY REFERENCE JPEGMAFIA, “1539 N. Calvert” YEAH YEAH YEAH (RIP MARK E SMITH) Travis Scott and Drake, “Sicko Mode” R-E-S-P-E-C-T (RIP ARETHA FRANKLIN) Rosalia, El Mal Querer REEL DEAL, “DRIPPIN’ DOPE (SAXAPELLA)” (1989) Gunna, “Top Off” WAMP WAMP (WHAT IT DO) B/W WAIT (THE WHISPER SONG) Vallee feat. Jeremih, “Womp Womp” SAD REGGAETON IS NOT BAD Bad Bunny, “Solo De Mi” SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, 2002-PRESENT Temani, “Power” Westerman, “Confirmation” REAL LIES, POET LAUREATS OF “YOUNG PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT BEING OLD” Tom Demac and Real Lies, “White Flowers” A SONG DESIGNED TO SOUND LIKE IT CAME OUT THIRTY YEARS AGO, WHICH ALSO FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT A MILLION YEARS AGO (IT WAS JUST JANUARY) Bruno Mars feat. Cardi B, “Finesse (remix)” TAY-K WAS JUST A YEAR AGO Comethazine, “Highriser” FAVORITE 2 BRIDGES MUSIC ARTS “MIGHT AS WELL” RANDOM PURCHASE OF THE YEAR Kizaki Ondo Preservation Society and Clark Naito, 木崎音頭 Kizaki Ondo FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT TEN YEARS AGO (IT WAS JUST JAN/FEB) BUT I NEVER GREW TIRED OF IT Rich the Kid, “Plug Walk” ODDLY REASSURING THAT PEOPLE STILL JANGLE Massage, “Oh Boy” Earth Dad, “Walter” ...AND DISCOVER WORLDS FROM WITHIN THEIR BEDROOMS Soccer Mommy, Clean ...AND EXPLORE THE CONTOURS OF GROWLING AND NAGGING Sada Baby and Drego, “Bloxk Party” ...AND CAN USE THE PAST TO MAKE SOMETHING SO VISIONARY AND FORWARD-THINKING Virginia Wing, Ecstatic Arrow Mitski, Be A Cowboy ...AND LOOKING FOR FOURTH WORLDS Arp, Zebra ...AND MAKE IMPOSSIBLE RHYTHMS Heavee, WFM ...AND THAT ARTISTS I HAD NEVER HEARD OF, WORKING IN IDIOMS I HAD NEVER HEARD OF, MIGHT STILL BLOW MY MIND Odunsi (the Engine), rare. JUNGLE LIVES X-Altera, “Blowing Up the Workshop” mix TOP THREE TIMES I SAW STANDING ON THE CORNER THIS YEAR 3 - The Merciful Allah Black Hole Theatre 2 - The Time it All Ended with Fireworks on Grand St. 1 - An Empty Storefront During a Blizzard

{HONORABLE MENTIONS -The Time They Brought a Monolith -THEME DE YE-YO [Respect to the Gods]} SONG OF THE SPRING, SUMMER, WINTER, YEAR, STILL UNDEFEATED ### A CHURCH AND JOHN LENNON’S “IMAGINE” :: 2017 SIKH DEVOTIONAL MUSIC :: 2016 SPOOKY BLACK :: 2015

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seeksstaronmewni · 6 years ago

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Oh, Joy! The Insanely Amazing Art of Animation Cartooning in Ren & Stimpy

In the era and world of the “modern” cartoon, there’s one show that started and defined most of the cartoons that we watch today... and that show is Spümcø’s/s The Ren & Stimpy Show.

What is there to love about a crazy, wacky, gross, dark and violent cartoon that people say is “ground-breaking”?

The gags. The detail. The sound. The stock music. The design. The animation. The layout artists...

I could go on about a show that was a part of @nickanimation’s/@nickelodeon... although, while considered a “kids” show, it truly is one of those... “cartoons for MEN”.

WARNING FOR HATERS: Before I go on, in regards to the show’s controversial creator, If his wrongs cause you to think hatefully of him, AVOID THIS POST! Don’t associate your hate with my posts and tweets about this ground-breaking cartoon.

Anyway, let’s look deep into the magic of the wackiest cartoon ever created that changed animation--namely “Western” animation--forever and for good...

THE TALENT

Under the creators Lynne Naylor-Reccardi, Jim Gomez, Felix Forte, and controversial creator John K., many gifted artists were a part of this amazing series, including @donshank, Charlie Bean, Carey Yost, Bob Camp, Chris Savino, @stephendestefano, the late and great Chris Reccardi (I began this article prior to his death on May 2nd, 2019 A.D.), Marc Perry, Mr. Lawrence (the “Ooh! My leg! My leg...” guy), Vincent Waller, Donovan Cook, Larry Murphy, Richard Pursel, @gadworks, @ncrossanimation, and many others. These people, many of whom were in the layout department, would go on from Spümcø to work on some of the most popular pieces of “Western” animation in history, like Spongebob Squarepants, The Powerpuff Girls, Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Laboratory, Star vs. the Forces of Evil, Mickey Mouse (Paul Rudish era), The Incredibles, the also ground-breaking The 2 Stupid Dogs/Super Secret Secret Squirrel Show and so much more!

One thing to note about these creatives is that John K.’s production company, Spümcø, was based in Canada, and so were its staff and creatives. I note this as most Canadian cartoons these days have no creatives who work in popular American animation (save for Wild Kratts character designer Alan Stewart, who did character design for some Season 7--or, in “reboot terms”, season 2--episodes of The Powerpuff Girls, as well as Lauren Faust’s My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Season 1 of Johnny Test). Most Canadian cartoons these days are on PBS or Cartoon Network, and some of those are imported from Teletoon or YTV. Such Canadian cartoons as Total Drama’s franchise, The Adventures of Benjamin Bear, My Pet Goldfish is Evil, and the like don’t have creatives who work on more “American” media.

Certain talents of Ren & Stimpy included Michael Fontanelli, Charlie Bean, Vincent Waller and Eddie Fitzgerald (creator of CN’s Tales of Worm Paranoia), who went on to contribute their artist talents in the YouTube Poop-phenomenon Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, which somewhat resembles that art direction of The Ren & Stimpy Show. Such talents also contributed to another insane-looking cartoon, Film Roman’s The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat. Likewise, one of my favorite character designers, Carey Yost, who contributed to The Powerpuff Girls, Uncle Grandpa and Spongebob Squarepants, was a major layout artist on this show. Charlie Bean (Samurai Jack, The Powerpuff Girls, The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat, Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog) and Don Shank (most of the above, plus Sym-Bionic Titan) also served as layout artists, and they with Carey created a gem of a Cartoon Network Minisode, Buy One, Get One Free*, which reflects the animation and art of Spümcø and features creatives of Spümcø.

THE DETAILS

First thing to note in both art and animation is the barrier-breaking levels of exaggeration. The “wild take” is a common element to slapstick cartoons like The Ren & Stimpy Show, and the controversial creator was a part of Hanna-Barbera Cartoons (which developed the Cartoon Network and its studios). Many Spümcø creatives would work at H-B, too. Hanna-Barbera, who worked with animation legends like Tex Avery, would create some of the wildest takes in cartoons with A Pup Named Scooby-Doo!, but The Ren & Stimpy Show’s Season 2 opener “In The Army”, written & directed by Bob Camp, features what is probably the wildest wild take ever conceived by man in the history of history:

“You don’t want to anger that big, dopey...”

“...sar...”

*( Sound Ideas, BOING, CARTOON - FLAT JEWS HARP BOING )*

*clink!*

*( Sound Ideas, THUMP, CARTOON - TUBE THUNK 01 )* [+12 pitch]

*glass breaks*

*( Sound Ideas, WOBBLE, CARTOON - SAW BLADE WOBBLE, MEDIUM )*

This wild take is really slow, huh?

Wait for it...

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

As if that weren’t wild enough, his brain pops out of his skull! Now, that’s more than just icing on the cake... it’s GENIUS!

Teen Titans GO! is perhaps the peak in the evolution of the “modern” cartoon that began with Ren & Stimpy, and in the hands of producer/director Luke Cormican, a layout artist on Ren & Stimpy’s “Adult Party Cartoon” episodes. It’s very nice that, in TTG episode “The Streak (Part 2)”, there was the parody illustration of duos in media, comparing Robin to Ren and Beast Boy to Stimpy. Some of the character designers on TTG worked on shows that included creatives from The Ren & Stimpy Show, too, namely Chris Battle.

One of the most popular episodes, of course, is the season one finale, Stimpy’s Invention.

These shots from the scene of Stimpy attempting to invent something are just beautiful! Great attention to detail and the lighting (including effects design) give a very cinematic, theatrical feel to a mere, 11-minute episode of a TV show. The art of the series has the charm of a 1940′s Paramount/Famous Studios “Noveltoon”, the Bob Clampett-directed Merry Melodies/Looney Tunes shorts (a major inspiration for John K.), and the Saturday morning cartoons of the 1960s, and the show’s creatives would become part of certain modern cartoons in the 1990s, some of which were dubbed by @cartoonnetwork as “Cartoon Cartoons”.

Also cinematic to the quality is the authentic film grain, a result of recording the cels (animated frame by frame on their respective backgrounds) on film. The deterioration of the episode’s film masters make it look believably like something out of the 1960s or even The Golden Age of Hollywood, the 1940s! (I personally dislike the quality that the videotape masters add to the picture, though. It may be that, in the future, UHD / HD prints could use the actual film masters, though!)

Some shots of Stimpy in Stimpy’s Invention have a color mistake where, like in the title card of the pilot “Big House Blues”, Stimpy’s nose is red instead of blue. It looks pretty swell on him, though.

The grooves and moves that Ren & Stimpy make during the montage of the song Happy Happy Joy Joy are filled with bouncy, weight-distributing pieces of animation, with lots of squash and stretch.

Speaking of “squash and stretch”, the above pics are of the extremes as Stimpy does a take of joy when he succeeds at making Ren be happy.

The takes of the characters really stretch their design and animation. Aurally, a common sound effect to accent these takes is a quick, loud record scratch, and their shaking/trembling movements often sound like a record rapidly skipping.

Regarding one of my favorite character designers, much of the designs by @cheyennecurtisart and @lynnvwang in early episodes of Disney’s Star vs. the Forces of Evil (particularly “Brittney’s Party”) are highly graphic and detailed, and that work of hers reminds me of the designs by Chris & Lynne Reccardi, Jim Smith, John K. and others. Very similar are the designs of @stephendestefano on Disney’s Mickey Mouse, which are also very graphic and extreme with character takes and injury aftermaths.

In the infamous Happy Happy Joy Joy sequence in “Stimpy’s Invention”, to stop himself from being controlled by the Happy Helmet, Ren whacks it (and thus himself) with a hammer to break it..

...and every hit pushes the extremes of not only the looks of his body, but also the styles of the psychotic-looking backgrounds.

Often in the show is a lot of mental breakdowns, including the end of Stimpy’s Invention as Ren goes from being the angriest he ever was in his entire life...

...to becoming very jovial as he comes to love being angry. That also causes a change in these psychedelic, psychotic backgrounds. The practice of such backgrounds came to other cartoons of the 1990s, such as The Shnookums and Meat Funny Cartoon Show, in the episode “Night of the Living Shnookums”, with art direction by Lynne Naylor.

Another great episode, one of my favorites, is “The Boy Who Cried Rat!”, directed by Vincent Waller, who, replying to my tweet compliment, described the episode as “a chance to tip the hat to all the amazing cartoonist/ writer/ funny people who took the time to invest theirselves into their artwork for the enjoyment and tutelage of the regular folks and cartoonists to come.” The episode involves a literal game of “Cat and Mouse” and Stimpy tries to make a living for him and Ren by unleashing his inner cat in service to a couple. It probably bases itself, of course, on Tom and Jerry, and Ren’s costume references the fashion of Mickey Mouse.

Eventually, Stimpy is forced into eating the rat whom Ren plays (this reminds me of another classic cartoon, @paramountpictures’s Noveltoon called Cheese Burglar, featuring Herman and Katnip). In terms of cartoon physics, though, how did Ren become small enough to fit inside Stimpy’s mouth?

This episode features a very clever, unexpected visual gag that is the result of being hit with a frying pan.

See? and it’s not even a violent image, either.

Sometimes, the show would feature various segments among the episodes, including their close-out segment “What’ll We Do ‘Til Then”. The Ren & Stimpy Show actually predates Animaniacs (1993), VeggieTales (1993) and Uncle Granpda (2013), which were similar with a variety of segment material.

THE ANIMATION

The animation is certainly something when one considers the defining quality of this show’s animation, which occasionally was produced by Rough Draft Studios in Seoul, Korea, one of the most popular animation studios today. There’s also some great timing directors, like David Feiss (Cow and Chicken, I Am Weasel, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy), Bob Jacques, James Tim Walker (Samurai Jack, The Powerpuff Girls, Tom and Jerry: The Magic Ring), Kent Butterworth (Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog) and even the awesome Tony Fucile (Osmosis Jones, The Iron Giant, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Inside Out, The Little Mermaid), who was uncredited for a few episodes like “In The Army” and “Ren’s Toothache”).

This scene of animation from the episode “Nurse Stimpy” (frame shown above) is one of the very best pieces of animation ever done in the series. The balance between slow and mostly fast-paced animation/timing, along with weight, looks very cinematic--of theatrical-quality animation (like Don Bluth, Tony Fucile, etc.). The film’s quality is fairly deteriorated here, but film specks and stuff add to the cinematic feel.

THE SOUND

The sound design, of course, done at Horta Editorial and Sound, which became/folded into Hacienda Post at Sabre Media Studios, was also defining for the modern cartoon as an unusual array of sound effects were used to accent all sorts of takes, impacts, etc. The use of Hanna-Barbera & Warner Bros. sound effects (mostly available from Sound Ideas) with Disney sound effects (mostly available from Hollywood Edge’s Cartoon Trax Volume One) became a very common blend for many sound designers, up to today. Hacienda Post’s founder and president, Timothy J. Borquez (Spongebob Squarepants, Samurai Jack, The Powerpuff Girls), served as the Re-Recording Mixer and Supervising Editor, as well as the uncredited sound designer, and considers the groundbreaking show to be “a laboratory for using classic sounds (in different contextual situations); adding Foley and new design to create "hybrid" textures and moments. We conscientiously did this and it opened up a whole new world for us! A lot of this was done on the mix stage.” He worked with talented sound editors like Michael M. Geisler, M.P.S.E., Michael A. Gollom, and sound/music editor William B. Griggs. Speaking of cartoon sound design expert Michael M. Geisler, M.P.S.E., in an Animation World Network article, Michael Geisler described the detailed process of sound design in a moment of the controversially violent scene in “Man’s Best Friend” (which never showed the credits): “Sometimes the eyelid closing and the eyelid opening are two very separate actions, and so each motion, open and close, must have different sound effects. In "Man's Best Friend," the classic Ren & Stimpy episode that introduces George Liquor, Ren smacks George with his own "Prize Bludgeoning Oar" and George's eye pops out of his head like a piece of meat. The eyelid does a wet sounding movement down over the eye until the eyelids meet and blink (splat, wet hit), and then slosh up again.” For some reason, however, on prints of that episode, George’s blink is silent.

The music for the show was usually unoriginal, very much like the series soundtrack to Spongebob, as it was mostly composed of music provided by Associated Production Music (APM). This included classical music, too, just as Tom and Jerry, Disney’s Silly Symphonies and Warner Bros.’ Merry Melodies/Looney Tunes would often use. Someone even created 3 volumes of Production Music from Ren & Stimpy, unofficial collections of APM music from the series. I kind of wish that they made those.

You may wonder at this point: After many years of seeing almost nothing of this series, how found I The Ren & Stimpy Show in my life?

I knew or remember very little of the show as I grew up (at least attempting to watch the episode “Ren’s Pecs” one Sunday afternoon in 2007 on Nick), but on August 13th, 2016 I saw another Spümcø project, the later Yogi Bear (or Ranger Smith) episode “Boo Boo Runs Wild”, on @adultswim. John K.’s approach to a classic Hanna-Barbera cartoon (CN doesn’t even air this stuff on anymore) was very inspiring. Looking the names of the team up on IMDb, I found that they were a part of many amazing cartoons that i grew up watching! In May 2017, recommended on my YouTube user were “disturbing” scenes from The Ren & Stimpy Show, including Ren’s insane threats in Sven Höek (the audio of which I heard in a YTP where the King [of Hyrule] goes psycho and does the same menacing threats) and perhaps a spiritual taste of Hell in Stimpy’s Fan Club. Ren’s acting (voiced then by creator John K) was so hilarious that, from that point onward, I desired to see more of this groundbreaking cartoon on which I was missing out.

On the day that I began to concept this post, June 18th, 2018, in my final visit to Toys ‘R Us (a local one, though I remember visiting the New York one in 2001), I got collectible Ren & Stimpy figures, and at the time of this post’s original concept I placed Ren and Stimpy in the presence of my Aku wacky wobbler.

It’s interesting that a 2018 Google spot regarding how children react to crowd noise used an excerpt from the episode Stimpy’s Fan Club. This practice is like certain phone commercials (namely T-Mobile, I think) that use some brief footage from “public domain” cartoons. Likewise, what Google did with that ad makes The Ren & Stimpy Show feel like a public domain cartoon (and the highly famous Merry Melodies/Looney Tunes and Popeye shorts were often distributed as “public domain” too, though WarnerMedia holds the ultimate rights to the shorts).

From a Christian viewpoint, The Ren & Stimpy Show is sometimes controversial, but its biggest controversy is whether it’s really a kids show or not--perhaps more of an adult show--mostly due to violence and intense situations like the aforementioned mental breakdowns (this excludes the “Adult Party Cartoon” episodes as those were deliberately produced for adults). Of course, classic cartoons of MGM, Warner Bros. and other studios would often show violence, sensuality, smoking, and alcoholics (even though Cartoon Network/Boomerang still rates them “TV-G”), so even those weren’t produced completely with children in mind. That’s why I consider this show and the aforementioned classic cartoons as “cartoons for MEN”.

The humor and heart of The Ren & Stimpy Show isn’t the purest either, given all of Ren’s hate and violent anger, but Stimpy’s Fan Club has an actually touching ending: after attempting to kill Stimpy or otherwise at least upset him, Ren discovers that the one fan letter addressed to him was from no one else but Stimpy himself--and Stimpy meant every word in his letter. Then, Ren is broken to tears.

THE FUTURE?

As a devote cartoon-watching guy, I find great inspiration from the barrier-breaking art and animation, visually and aurally, of The Ren & Stimpy Show. If you love slapstick comedy and cartoons, then this one’s definitely worth a watch--essential viewing. I surely hope that it comes back again; I can agree on one’s opinion for the show to come back (and, if you want the show to be rebooted as I do, share this IMDb list with Nickelodeon/Spümcø or whatever studio’s in charge). Now, if Viacom/Nick is willing, [adult swim]/Turner/WarnerMedia or some other studio may be better off to purchase the rights to Ren & Stimpy, as Nick or at least Paramount no longer wants anything to do with the series (due to the objectionable material in the “Adult Party Cartoon”), according to this article.

There were rumors of an upcoming Ren & Stimpy short that Nickelodeon Animation was producing. IMDb once removed the title, but now the short “It’s Our House Now!” may be in production by Jessica Borutski, also a former layout artist on the “Adult Party Cartoon”; this may be based on a short John K. sketched to promote Sponge Out of Water.

The closest thing to Ren & Stimpy so far is John K.’s Cans with out Labels [WARNING: some strong language and nudity], a dark, edgy Kickstarter short featuring George Liquor, including storyboards & layouts by Jim Smith and amazingly cartoonish, detailed, over-the-top animation, contributed by @gadworks, @mikepelensky and @sandrarivasart (a DVD is available for $25 purchase here). Color cards were made by @kalikazoo too.

In the future, also, it would be swell to see true high-definition transfers of the actual film negatives for the non-digitally animated episodes of Ren & Stimpy. Most filmed cartoons were often recorded onto videotape masters, which lowered the quality, and I suppose that some of the film negatives still exist in Spumco’s/Nickelodeon’s archives. In point of fact, this clip of The Muddy Mudskipper Intro here looks like it came from an actual film negative (of which I tweeted), with brighter colors and no videotape quality. Though the film looks fairly aged, it looks better than usual prints of the scene.

As we come to the conclusion, I have some additional notes: I began this post in January 2019. 5 months later, Chris Reccardi died, so I refer to him in my posts as the Late and Great Chris Reccardi. He and his family are in my thoughts and prayers. A documentary premiered at Sundance 2020 on January 28th, 2020, Ron Cicero’s Happy Happy Joy Joy: The Ren & Stimpy Story; while the controversial creator is known for some terrible things he did due to mental issues in the past, the least people could do is respect the work of both John K and his groundbreaking team. If it weren’t for them, many great Western animation projects for Cartoon Network, Pixar, Disney TVA, Nickelodeon and others would not be the same.

Before I close, whether or not you think negatively of John K., here’s something you should know, understand, and remember about the value of the creatives of The Ren & Stimpy Show: "Brilliant cartoonists like Lynne Naylor, Jim Smith, Bob Camp, Vincent Waller, Rich Pursel, Elinor Blake, Bill Wray, Chris Reccardi, Gabe Swarr and many many more added a lot of richness and personality to the cartoons. Actors like Billy West, Cheryl Chase, Mike Pataki, Gary Owens, Eric Bauza and others inspired us all to capture the subtle nuances in their readings. Henry Porch, Bill Griggs and Tim Borquez contributed much to the wacky new sound design style Ren and Stimpy was known for. We also had some very talented producers like Chris Danzo, Libby Simon and Kevin Kolde who helped me execute the totally new production system that gave the artists ways to express themselves more personally. These people and more are all heroes to me. Think of them when you remember my cartoons." I will always think of these people and pray for them.

For the inspiration, I give thanks to the entire Spümcø staff and creatives who went on to produce some of the best cartoons ever made.

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blamebrampton · 7 years ago

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Eurovision 2018 final

And now, 12 hours after the rest of the world, and startlingly unspoiled, I hit the finals! I’ve not been recapping the touristy bits in the ‘postcards’, but if you’re thinking about visiting Lisbon, or Portugal in general, get to it; it’s utterly gorgeous. I’m hoping for somewhere in the top 10 for Jess, and I wouldn’t mind seeing Denmark win. They won’t. It’ll be someone awful, I just know it.

We open with fado music and it is pretty bloody splendid: melodic twanging steel strings and a heart-rending woman’s voice singing a song that is almost certainly of woe but resilience (my Portuguese is terrible). There are no unattractive people in this broadcast, it should be mentioned. Yet another reason to visit!

Another hot fado female vocalist, this time with drummers. She sounds more political, but again, I have no idea. I do know that Portugal is a country that has an amazing tradition of vocalists and narrative music, and I think we are seeing it shown well tonight. I like this a lot better than the usual blather from presenters. Though I like the women, they are admirably quick at moving things along.

And now some local DJs. Look, it was never going to stay glorious. Flags go past. There are many. We are welcomed to the grand final and the crowd goes wild. Hello contestants, I’m thrilled you get a moment in the sun before the horror of the contest descends. They are all smiling and lovely and I hope they all go on to have happy lives. Denmark are actually amusing! Bless their hairy hipster hearts!

You know, I can honestly say that everyone I’ve heard in this final can actually sing and on that basis alone, 2018 is already a good year.

The presenters are back. NCIS is dressed like a Goth prom queen, Blondie is wearing a beaded shower curtain, Saintly is cosplaying a tall Kylie Minogue (I loathe the fact I need to specify Kylies these days) and Little One has come dressed as an entrant from Greece. I actually know all their names now, but they’re longer, so it’s nicknames for me, I’m afraid.

I’m not going to repeat performance notes from the semi finals, but if you’ve missed every other piece of Eurovision commentary, a. Well done! b. What the hell are you doing here? c. I’ll let you know if anything new happens.

Ukraine, Melovin, Under the Ladder. Now I’m not focusing on the madness of the staging, I can mention that he and his backing singers are selling the hell out of this one. I like it a lot better the second time around, and the vocals are tight. It’s still a totally nuts Dracula moment, but if it wins I will not be at all upset.

Spain, Amaia y Alfred, Tu Cancion. Arena full of people holding up their lit phones. Young people singing to each other from opposite sides of the stage. It’s all very sweet. Now they are holding hands. Now they are hugging. Keep it nice, kids, you’ve got two minutes to go. They are lovely, but so wholesome that I feel listening to this song represents 100% of my daily intake of Vitamin C and roughage. Nice climbing crescendos and key change towards the end. Big lights, earnest singing into each other’s faces… this is a song that speaks of carefully studied microphone angles and breath mints. Bless.

Slovenia, Lea Sirk, Hvala, ne! This is the one that stuck with me since I last saw it, but more for the snappiness of the staging and performances than for the song itself. They are enormously charismatic and the choreography is very well put out there. She changes it up tonight and tells them to stop the music and has the audience sing the refrain with her, which I really liked and thought much more successful than the fake cut in the semis, even if the chap in the audience the camera cut to was clearly wondering what the hell was happening and whether he had accidentally eaten the wrong brownies before he headed out tonight. I’m keen on these girls and hope they do well!

Lithuania, Ieva Zasimauskaite, When We’re Old. Sweet whispering song girl is back. She remains sweet and whispery. She and Joanna Newsome would make a lovely duet. Her voice is genuinely delightful, though there is a little more assist in the reverb than she needs: makes it all sound a bit more Jared Leto than is optimal. But I quibble, she is a delight. Her husband comes to join her at the end again and she seems deeply moved. Bodes well for their future.

Austria, Cesar Sampson, Nobody But You. I resent Cesar’s bad T-shirt more than in the semis, because he is a hot young man and we should be allowed to enjoy him in all his loveliness and that plasticky bit is very distracting. The backing vocals in this track are probably the best in the whole contest, and he has a beautiful voice that I hope to hear more of. In a perfect world, John Legend writes a better version of La La Land in which this chap and his best friend come to LA to pursue their dreams and both succeed without hurting each other. It’s actually a decent song, it just sounds like a lot of other decent songs. But his performance is something very special.

Estonia, Elina Necheyava, La forza. She is lovely, her frock is lovely, her voice is lovely, this song is not going to win. Which is a shame, because I would like to see the ECS back in Tallinn. If they had a European Frock Contest, this would be douze points from everyone.

Norway, Alexander Rybak, That’s How You Write A Song. He is a super chap and I hope he does win Eurovision twice, but if he does it with this song, I will be looking at the countries that vote for it with thinly veiled disdain. This is the sort of song that would have had Paula Abdul dancing with an animated cat in the 1980s. But I will say that it is lovely to have him back so that Nigel Kennedy will finally have to give up any idea that he’s the hot young man with the violin. The crown, which was never really Nigel’s, is clearly Alexander’s.

Portugal, Claudia Pasqoal, O Jardim. Pink hair gets an extra 10 points from me to start with. Sounds like London Grammar, in both tune and delivery, but since I love them, that’s fine. Her frock is a nice wrap-around black number with thigh split. She’s joined on stage by a woman who looks a bit like Kirsten Stewart, and the two of them are in fact much cooler than practically everyone else in the stadium. That was a nice soft song that you would wrap up a big night or start a romance with and I liked it a lot. I want to see it in the top five, but not winning, because it’s too expensive to do this two years in a row!

The presenters make a knowing reference to the queerness of Eurovision and it comes off as an inside joke not an arch piece of commentary, and this is the point at which I accept that I have fallen for their charms and will never be free of this annual horror.

United Kingdom, SuRie, Storm. We’ve done something unusual this year and sent someone good. It won’t help, but it’s a pleasant change. More pink hair, with a sort of Annie Lennox hair and jumpsuit arrangement. I hate to say this, but this song is actually pretty damned good. What the hell? We’re usually awful. The staging is admirably simple and the performance is a cracker, and there is some fuckwit invading the stage to shout something and WELL DONE YOU, YOUNG WOMAN, you held that together amazingly! She is in fact bringing it even more strongly, even though the incident clearly affected her. How amazing is she! ‘Some absolute cockhead’ is the Australian boy commentator’s description of the stage invader and he is 100% on the money.

They skip to the green room with Little One while they deal with the stage invader situation and she is talking to vampire boy from the Ukraine who offers to bite her neck and talks about his personal brand. If he doesn’t have 100,000 followers on Instagram and a YouTube ‘presence’, I will be very surprised.

Back to the show!

Serbia, Sanja Ilic & Balkanika, Nova Deca. This song remains as OTT and epic as in the semis with costumes and wailing mysticism that puts me in mind of nothing so much as one of those epic episodes of Xena that your girlfriends used to trot out in the 90s to talk about when lesbian subtext becomes text. It’s classic Eurovision and if it wins I will be thrilled.

Germany, Michael Schulte, You Let Me Walk Alone. It’s apparently a song to his father, who died when he was young, and it’s got a hell of a dose of the Ed Sheerans, from the hair to the singing style. It’s saved from the annoying side of the Sheerans by the personal message, which comes through strongly. Though it’s a little unfair in the ‘you will never know, because you let me walk this road alone’, unless his father took his own life. Just saying. Exactly the right mix of sentiment and ten-year-old newness that could win, thanks to a very strong performance.

Albania, Eugent Bushpepa, Mall. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this song in the semis and I am still surprised about it now. It’s everything I would usually mock, including a safe 80s chord sequence and handclapping, but it somehow works superbly and he looks a little nervous, yet has an actually superior classic rock voice, instead of the standard ‘thinks is great, is OK’ frontman. I think the dungaree drummer, who has done both of his straps up tonight, has won me over.

France, Madame Monsieur, Mercy. It’s political! And about refugees. And my French isn’t good enough to follow it entirely, but she is all the children, her name is Mercy and she is fleeing war and is alive and she needs our help. It’s actually a cracker of a tune, and the Jean-Paul Gaultier outfits are the classiest of the evening. Far too attractive for this shindig.

Czech Republic, Mikolas Josef, Lie to Me. I think what troubles me most about this song is that I keep expecting Will Smith to appear. Much as in the semis. They are perfectly good, it is just not my cup of tea. Nice little flip at the end, and the dancing is excellent. Bless em.

Denmark, Rasmussen, Higher Ground. I’m putting this out there: I think I want these guys to win. But it’s entirely based on the fact they are singing about pacifist vikings and I have mentally built them up into a rejection of toxic masculinity in favour of human decency and manliness meaning things like facing your fears and having integrity, which I can get behind. If there is a MeToo/Weinstein moment for any of these chaps, I’m coming after them with an axe. I do like a Wailing Medjeval Epic though.

Australia, Jessica Mauboy, We Got Love. Jess is gorgeous and she loves a crowd, which is good because the crowd loves her. Every lovely thing I said about her in the semis remains true. Alas, it also remains true that this song could be better. But it’s grown on me. We may be powerless to bring down the US government, and its lesser evils the UK and Australian governments, but we’ve got love and regular elections, and New Zealand, and it will be OK in the end. She’s a champion and I hope she makes the top five!

Saintly and Blondie are back mocking social media and rightly so.

Now NCIS is eulogising the first winner of the Eurovision Song Contest, Lys Assia, who died at the age of 94 in March. For five seconds. There’s efficient and there’s cold, ladies.

Finland, Saara Aalto, Monsters. This is the other song I want to win, though I have to confess I wouldn’t mind if the UK won, after SuRie’s amazing turn. But Saara’s voice fills the stadium and sails up and down the scale. Still with the Annie Lennox Bondage Backup Dancers, which makes two tributes to Scotland’s finest Oscar winner in the one show. I’m slightly less convinced by the song the second time round, but the performance is great. Her backwards death dive at the end is a cracker!

Bulgaria, Equinox, Bones. This song remains all about the girl’s Heey-yays for me and nothing has changed. It’s another one that is very good, just not for me. Cup of tea time! Good lighting at the end. T2’s Turkish Apple is definitely the right tea for tonight!

Moldova, DoReDoS, My Lucky Day. Kids, I am all for polyamory, but it should be based on mutual communication, not sneaking about. It turns out well for them, though, and it’s a fun song.

Little One is here with the audience and everyone is Very Drunk. I think she is trying to pick up a tall British girl, and I like her even more.

Sweden, Benjamin Ingrosso, Dance You Off. This is a favourite with the punters but not with me. Soz, Ben.

Hungary, AWS, Viszlát Nyár. It’s the lovely Lordi Lite lads and while I respect his vocal cords for surviving the sustained abuse, I am skipping through this one as it’s getting late here and there are hours of judging to go.

Israel, Netta, Toy. The Aussie commentators have mentioned that she would have broken a stage invader and I think this true. She looks as though she would have enjoyed it, too. I feel you, Netta. The chicken bits are a bit distracting, but she sells the hell out of this and it’s bright and bouncy. Another one I won’t mind winning. Also, more pink hair. I was clearly two years ahead of the curve on that one.

The Netherlands, Waylon, Outlaw in ’Em. Apparently, Waylon is cool with people who don’t really like country. Which is good news. I do like country if it’s Johnny Cash or Dolly Parton, but yeah, on this one we’re just going to have to quietly share a beer and talk about something else, Waylon. You’re a good chap and your band is excellent, so if you win I won’t be upset, even if I still don’t like this song. It’s just my taste rather than there being anything objectively bad about it. Hang on: turns out the band are the dancers. They are going off and taking the piss in epic quantities and I like it quite a bit more after that.

Ireland, Ryan O’Shaugnessey, Together. Apparently China cut the broadcast of this one due to the gay backup dancers and Eurovision cut their contract in response. Well done, Eurovision! This song remains sweet and beautifully performed, with the backup dancers really carrying the whole show. But there’s not a lot to it aside from the lovely staging.

Cyprus, Eleni Fouriera, Fuego. Another one I will not be surprised if it wins. Spectacular combination of song and performance, with fabulous backing dancers/singers (again, the best combo set). If Beyonce came to Eurovision in disguise, this would be her performance, and I am reading the whole thing as a tribute to Queen Bey, which is pretty easy given that practically every aspect of it references her. She is nervous as hell at the end, but the performance was stonkingly good.

Italy, Ermal Meta and Fabrizio Moro, Non me avete fatto niente. Written in response to the bombing in Manchester, this is a strongly serious track from a country that can often be flippant at Eurovision and in the first thirty seconds we see the passionate political engagement that explains the entirety of Italian politics. It’s a strong piece and well performed, including wailing hero notes towards the end and overlays in the various languages of Europe declaring defiance to terrorism. I think it might be in with a shot.

Presenters have had a costume change. NCIS is Morticia Addams, Blondie is Meryl Streep circa 1988, Saintly is Sophia Loren circa 1968 and Little One has come as a Glomesh handbag. Oh, holy moly, it’s recap time before the votes. We learn that SuRie was invited to perform again and has decided not to. Bless her toughness! I am fast forwarding through this as life is too short.

Blondie’s cleavage is plunging to her belly button and I am just impressed by the amount of double-sided tape holding that outfit together. The interval act is local musicians, who are splendid, but I need to get a few things done while I listen, so you go and download it from the official site. Worth your time!

Another recap, more fast forwarding. Australia’s commentary team are doubling as the royal wedding commentators and I think I might actually catch that on SBS as it would be a bit of a giggle. It’s Australia’s multicultural channel and I love it because it’s full of international films and news, but I have an American friend who refers to it as ‘That channel where your government gives you free soft porn.’ Mate, it’s Swedish film and you just need to expand your horizons!

Blondie is with the audience and she has found some Irish people who are delightful. And now they are doing Portuguese pop culture things that go over my head, and recapping Junior Eurovsion, which is like Senior Eurovision, but with more sedate images and sober contestants. The Junior winner sings a little of last year’s Senior winner, which is apparently a new condition for entry into Lisbon as every man and his dog as been trotting it out. Saintly presenter might be a little drunk, you know.

NCIS and Little One are in the Green Room, introducing Salvador Sobral, last year’s winner, and he’s looking a bit healthier, which is good! Still as fey as ever, but find your schtick and stick with it, I say. Lovely new song, you should download it, too, as I need to put a load of dishes on, so won’t be describing it. Ah, he’s had a heart transplant. Excellent! That is good news!

He’s joined by the legendary Caetano Veloso and they (Caetano for the most part) sing last year’s winning song and it’s quite lovely. Salvador is visibly moved by the whole thing. Where is his sister? Apparently he’s been slagging off some of the other songs and it’s caused an upset, but seriously, Sir Terry Wogan made a career out of that and there are thousands if not millions of us who do it on an amateur basis, so why should he miss out?

Little One has some fans pretending to do some last-minute voting, and she has been the hardest working presenter. I hope that tall British girl she was chatting up earlier has a cold bottle of gin and a big cake for the two of them later tonight, she’s earned it!

Jon Ola Sand says votes are ready to go! Jury votes first.

Ukraine first: 8 The Netherlands, 10 Israel, 12 France.

Azerbaijan, 8 Hungary, 10 Serbia, 12 to Albania.

They are FLYING through this.

Belarus, 8 Norway, 10 Austria, Australia is nowhere at the moment, 12 to Cyprus!

San Marino, 8 Sweden, 10 Germany, 12 to Israel. He’s chattier than the others.

The Netherlands, 8 Sweden, 10 Austria, 12 Germany.

FYR Macedonia, 8 Serbia, 10 Cyprus, 12 ESTONIA! YAY

Malta, 8 France, 10 Italy, 12 Cyprus, which is starting to pull ahead. Australia still nowhere.

Georgia, 8 Austria, 10 Estonia, 12 Sweden, who take the lead. Meh.

Spain 8 Austria, 10, Israel, 12 Cyprus. UK still on 0, which is for once entirely unfair.

Austria, 8 Sweden, 10 Germany, 12 Israel, who pop in front. It’s a big battle tonight!

Denmark, 8 Austria, 10 Australia, THANK YOU! 12 to Germany.

UK, 8 Bulgaria, 10 Israel, She cracks onto Jon Ola and I respect that, 12 Austria. Not a sausage to Oz, you bastards.

Sweden, 8 Australia, 10 Austria, 12 Cyprus.

Latvia, 8 Estonia, 10 France, 12 Sweden.

Albania, 8 Bulgaria, 10 Cyprus, 12 Italy!

Croatia, 8 Moldova, 10 Israel, 12 Lithuania. The UK has 4, which is not enough, but there we go.

Ireland, 8 Germany, 10 Bulgaria, 12 Cyprus. Nothing for Oz. I’m reading this as a protest against Peter Dutton’s appalling treatment of refugees.

Romania, 8 The Netherlands, 10 Spain, 12 Austria.

Czech Republic, 8 Sweden, 10 Ireland (nice!), 12 Israel.

Iceland 8 Israel, 10 Albania, 12 Austria. Denmark is down on 7, alas.

Moldova 8 Bulgaria, 10 Israel, 12 Estonia!

Belgium, 8 Sweden, 10 The Netherlands, 12 Austria, which is terrific given how good his voice is!

Norway, 8 Austria, 10 Sweden, 12 Germany.

France, 8 Germany, 10 Australia, Merci!, 12 Israel. They and Austria are creeping ahead.

Italy, 8 Denmark, 10 Germany, 12 Norway.

Australia, 8 Estonia, 10 Germany, and Ricardo Gonzales’s Aussie Portuguese accent is a cracker. 12 to Sweden and FUCK YOU ALL the Australian jury. This is how we get Turnbull and Dutton.

Estonia, 8 Cyprus, 10 Lithuania, 12 Austria.

Serbia, 8 Italy, 10 Germany, 12 Sweden.

Cyprus, 8 Italy, 10 Moldova, 12 Sweden and you are all clearly drunk. The jury votes are all over the shop.

Armenia, 8 Israel, 10 Moldova, 12 Sweden.

Bulgaria, 8 Czech Republic, 10 Lithuania, 12 Austria.

Greece, 8 Sweden, 10 Moldova, 12 Cyprus. I typed that 30 seconds before she said it. No need for correction.

Hungary, 8 Austria, 10 Albania, 12 Denmark! YAY! The Vikings go off! They are chuffed.

Montenegro, 8 Moldova, 10 Albania, 12 Serbia. Big surprise!

Germany, 8 Ireland, 10 Austria, 12 Sweden because they are all drunk. But Austria is still ahead!

Finland, 8 Sweden, 1o Bulgaria, 12 Israel.

Russia, 8 Israel, 10 Sweden, 12 Moldova; look, they were fun.

Switzerland, 8 Lithuania, 10 Estonia, 12 Germany.

Israel, 8 UK THANKS, 10 Sweden, 12 Austria.

Poland, 8 The Netherlands, 10 Germany, 12 Austria.

Lithuania, 8 Sweden, 10 France, 12 Austria.

Slovenia, 8 Cyprus, 10 Austria, 12 Sweden.

Portugal, 8 Austria, 10 Albania, 12 ESTONIA! Oh, Portugal, you are so delightfully odd. I love you guys.

That’s it for juries, but we have the popular votes to go. Australia currently in 12th, Denmark and UK nowhere, which is cruel on both counts. Austria in first place, which I think is down to a great performance. Sweden second, probs down to the drink. The Israel song is third, which I think will go up with the popular vote.

Jon Ola Sand is back. He says the public votes are exciting. Here we go! They are reading them out from lowest to highest.

9 to Australia. Fuck the lot of you. Unless that’s a protest against Australian refugee policy and black deaths in custody, in which case, fair enough. 18 to Portugal and Spain 21 Sweden YES! Good! Sorry, I mean, Oh well. 23 Slovenia 23 Finland Rude. Should have been more. 25 UK Very rude! Should have been lots more! 32 The Netherlands 58 Albania A joke. The people are morons. 59 France Ripped off. 62 Ireland 65 Hungary 66 Bulgaria 71 Austria NO!!!! WOE!! Sorry, mate. You were triff. 75 Serbia Should have been more. 84 Norway 91 Lithuania 102 Estonia 115 Moldova 119 Ukraine Fair, they deserved some points for that show. 136 Germany Surprised it wasn’t more, he’s rather good. 180 Denmark I’m good with that one. They are stoked. 215 Czech Republic 249 Italy and they are also thrilled. 253 Cyprus I think she is both heartbroken at not winning and thrilled at not bankrupting a Cypriot TV station with the cost. ISRAEL HAS WON! (though I missed how many popular points they got. More than 253)

(This will be a tiny bit awkward if the whole Iran war thing kicks off. Maybe this will be the kick up the bum that Netanyahu needs to pull his head in. I would very much like my friends in Israel to have fewer things to worry about, so not starting wars seems like an excellent idea.)

Netta is thrilled, the ladies are a little drunk, Jessica Mauboy has snuck off to party with the Irish mob and fingers crossed Mr Austria’s phone is already running hot with people who want to put that glorious voice with better songs. But keep the backing singers. They were ace. Netta sings us out and we are DONE for another year. Goodnight, Eurovision. Why can’t I quit you?

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