#his death quote was “that was easier than I thought it would be” *three* times in a row

[ponds-of-ink]

I almost beat FNAF 6’s Wednesday Night with Scraptrap, but he got to me first.

However, there’s two funny things about that run is like to point out:

(1) He said the “How Can I Resist..?” line, but didn’t attack. I was honestly thinking he was hiding under the desk like that one meme.

(2) Knights of Cydonia was my choice for background music, and he has the audacity to jump me at the first “No one’s gonna take me alive” right on cue. And then say “Bittersweet but fitting” afterwards. William, you theater kid.

[arliedraws]

What are your thoughts on Sirius and Lily’s friendship?

While many in the fandom focus more on her friendship with Remus, but aside from one quote from the movie, there's not much evidence to support that.

Lily's friendships are mostly unexplored, primarily for Doylist reasons, making her relationship with Snape a plot twist in the story. However, based on little we know about her character, she could have been an close friend to Sirius, not just the wife of his best friend. Lily was loving, intelligent, confident, and empathetic—qualities that would allow her to relate to people with tough personalities.. (some Snape fans argue that she was a bad friend to him, but it’s important to remember that it was not her, who at 15 already wanted and later willingly chose to join a terrorist organization).

I think Sirius was naturally drawn to people he viewed as equals, which could explain why he could become closer to Lily than to Remus or Peter over time.

And her letter to him was the last treasure Sirius has of Lily and James :(

Ummmmmm. I took an hour of my life and wrote this. It’s like three pages of thought. But hey! I think I figured out how I see Lily . So thanks!

TL;DR: Sirius resented Lily until he didn’t, and then they were very close until she died.

If you want to read my full take, it’s under the cut.

First of all, to answer your question, I’d like to look at Lily overall.

I find Lily challenging as a character. There are so many ways to interpret her. She’s described as funny, smart, kind, brave, and beautiful. She’s also popular. And cheeky. Unlike James, there isn’t an unflattering side of her shown to Harry. This is why I’m not much of a Jily person—I wish I had what Jily people have regarding Lily. It’s so much easier to interpret a character based on their flaws than their strengths, their failings and how they deal with them than their successes.

I say this because we have to make guesses to her flaws. She made excuses for Snape for years when he was clearly being a prejudiced asshole behind her back. Who knows what he was actually saying about her? But he was her best friend, and she was loyal to him. Then, when his prejudice becomes public, that’s when she declares it the final straw.

My interpretation is that Lily wants to fit in. Unlike most people at school, she came in with a best friend. How cool! But it prevented her from getting close with anyone else. Maybe she has other friends, but I doubt they were very close (Snape would probably make sure of that). Lily is incredibly loyal—and if Snape says someone is bad news, I think she’d trust him.

Anyway, Snape rejecting her publicly was the last straw. She knew it was coming, but she loved him and she has to believe that people are flawed and deserve a second chance. And a third and a fourth and so on. Until she’s faced with arrogant toerag James Potter defending her in front of the whole school. Even this guy she can’t stand is appalled at Snape’s behavior.

Snape is embarrassing. He just is. He’s desperate, and he thinks groveling and kissing her feet will make up for being chummy and racist with his Death Eater wannabe buddies.

What does this have to do with Sirius?

Well, all this time, she’s spent years with these four boys who are clearly sneaking around after hours, will defend each other to the death, and won’t for a moment put up with anyone bullying their friends. Even pathetic little Peter is worth defending. Remus Lupin might even be a werewolf. But they don’t care—he belongs to them. Even when they’re alone, Lily sees that they aren’t two-faced, they aren’t pretending to care about each other.

It would have been very easy for Sirius to talk shit behind James’s back to stay in the good graces of his family/Slytherins. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t even talk to his brother.

I think Lily watches this over the years and wishes Snape were like Sirius. She wishes that just one time, Snape would defend her. When she finally tells Snape it’s over, I think she was desperately lonely in the aftermath. She’s popular, yes, but all the girls in her year have been friends for almost six years, and how could there be room for her? Lily is also incredibly proud. I don’t think she’d be asking to be friends with girls who tried to be her friend for ages but gave up every time she cheerfully told them, “Thanks for inviting me to hang out in Hogsmeade this weekend, but Sev and I are going to [fill in activity]!”

Anyway, Lily’s pride also keeps her from admitting to James she likes him. Maybe she doesn’t even have a crush or feelings romantically, but she’s incredibly aware of James. I think she’s jealous of his bond with his friends. Lily has an undercurrent of anxiety that she’ll be rejected—she’s a social chameleon. She can charm professors, she’s wicked smart, she’s pretty, and she’s funny and clever as hell. So here’s this guy, James Potter, who seems to be no one other than himself. He doesn’t have to pretend. An asshole, an arrogant prat, but undeniably honest.

James declares publicly that he likes her. This is…uhh…the opposite of Snape. Obviously. But Lily’s pride and embarrassment of the whole situation bruises her. I’m sure she also didn’t want people to think that she was dating Snape—would people think she was dating James to get back at Snape? Would they think she was desperate to be with a pureblood like James?

Meanwhile, Sirius is watching Lily Evans. Her friendship with Severus Snape has just exploded, and he watches her watching James. Sirius, who demonstrates canonically that he is very good at reading people, can see through Lily’s pleasant façade and unflappable exterior. Maybe she has friends, but he can see that she isn’t close with them. She’s a loner. She’s like him.

Here’s where I think Sirius and Lily match up—they’re both fearful of rejection, they’re extremely proud, and they’re exceptionally careful about how they allow others to see them. I think Sirius is more easily offended than Lily, but she’s also better at hiding when she’s hurt. To regain power, Sirius will punish you while Lily will regain her power by pretending it didn’t matter and your opinion doesn’t matter.

As soon as Lily is sans Snape, she becomes a threat to Sirius. He knows it’s only a matter of time before she gets over her pride and gets close to James, so he’s very wary of her. Soon she’ll figure out that James makes you feel like the cleverest person in the room. She’ll figure out that James will defend you until he’s dead. James loves his people too hard, and Sirius does not want to share him.

Well, once Lily and James become head boy and girl, keeping them apart is impossible. Sirius isn’t outwardly cold to her because James isn’t stupid, and he’d quickly know what Sirius was doing, but he’s not exactly welcoming either.

Lily and James become friends in seventh year. This is the first time James has had a friend outside of their group—and there are things he talks to her about that he doesn’t discuss with the others, not even Sirius. And Lily opens up. She even finds herself slipping out of her constant performance, and for the first time in her life, she can say whatever she wants. James loves when she’s silly. Not funny—everyone loves a funny—but silly. And he’s silly with her. And all of the pretending is gone, and Lily can be exactly herself and honest and not try to mold herself into what James wants her to be.

This is not good news for Sirius who has always been the one that James relies on for emotional support. And Sirius resents Lily a little. For the rest of their time at school, he’s fairly certain she’s just pretending.

Then school ends, and Dumbledore recruits them to the Order of the Phoenix. James and Lily are firmly together, and she just “gets” James. At least, that’s what James says. Very naturally, she knows what James is thinking and she respects him, and Sirius is secretly infuriated that she reads people as well as he does. It becomes clearer and clearer that Lily really does love James.

I think Sirius wants James to be happy—if James isn’t going to choose Sirius, then at least Lily makes him happy. And he forces himself to smile, cheers for them, champions their relationship. Except that Lily sees right through him, and she knows that if she doesn’t get Sirius on her side, one well-placed comment about her might influence James.

But also, she loves James and doesn’t want Sirius to fuck it up. There are a few ways they could become friends, but one way I’ve imagined is that Lily invites Sirius out for a drink. A good actor and loyal friend to James, he engages her in the sort of conversation he knows will interest her—they have shared interests, and she’s intelligent and creative like him. As long as they stay away from talking about James, he’s pleasant. Then, once they’re a few drinks in, Lily tells him that she doesn’t blame him for hating her. This stuns Sirius who thought he was being so clever. He insists she’s making things up, but Lily tells him that she feels the same way about Sirius—that she’s scared he’s going to take James away.

This is the sort of vulnerability Sirius needs to see from her. He needs to know that Lily hasn’t won—that she’s just as afraid of Sirius as he is of her, that she hasn’t tried to steal James from him. She just loves James for exactly the same reasons Sirius loves him. Lily promises that she will never keep Sirius away from James.

As time goes on, there are things that Lily can confess to Sirius that she can’t tell anyone else—and, eventually, Sirius starts to confide in her too. But it’s different than talking to James for both of them; they’re so incredibly similar that they understand each other on a level that James just doesn’t get.

I think you’re right—I think post-Hogwarts, Sirius was closer to Lily than he was to Remus or Peter. The friendship was hard-won, but canon supports a tight Sirius&Lily bond with that letter he kept.

In the end, I really do think he lost both of his best friends when James and Lily were killed—one was his soul mate and the other was his best friend.

[duskyashe]

CAMP NANO DAY 1

Calling All The Monsters part 4 chapter 1

[First] [Previous] [Next] [AO3]

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Jason was more than ready to get this over with. Unlike the others, he'd known he wasn't fully human for years, pretty much ever since he'd come back from the dead. Looking back on it, he'd even known the others were slowly changing, too, he just hadn't had the words. He hadn't known there even were words for the feeling of slowly finding his footing among others that were just as inhuman as himself. Well, other than relief.

As soon as Dick confirmed when and where the kid was willing to host tutoring sessions for all of them ("He said he wanted to work with each of us individually, first, but that he was willing to work with groups of up to three at a time if B was more comfortable with that," Dick said with a thoughtful frown, cowl held loosely in one hand. "Personally, I think the first meeting should definitely be two of us, but the rest should be played by ear, but it's your call, B,") Jason was nearly vibrating out of his own skin in anticipation. Answers to all his questions about himself, from his first fully conscious thought after his dip in the Pits to a reaction he'd had to something just last Tuesday, were just out of his reach and he could feel his frustration and impatience building in the back of his throat. Grimacing, he swallowed the urge to vocalize his feelings before taking a deep breath. It was only an hour more before Condor and Starling would be meeting up with their new tutor, he could hold out that much longer. He could.

"You alright there, Jay?" Steph asked as she entered the cave. Her long blonde hair was braided tightly against the crown of her head in preparation for getting in costume.

He shakily let out the breath he'd taken and nodded in her direction. "Just anxious," he said, meticulously going over his guns yet again. He was mostly suited up, himself, just needing to mask up and slip his gloves on. He'd initially had his gloves on, but cleaning his guns was easier and more grounding barehanded, so off they'd come.

She gave him a searching look. "You really believe Phantom, don't you?" Steph asked after a moment.

Jason paused his movements and let out a sigh. "Yeah. Yeah, I do," he replied, setting his cleaning rag to the side and finally looking directly at her instead of just from the corner of his eye. "Look, I'm pretty sure it was fairly obvious to B, Dick, and Alfie, and maybe Tim saw it, too, but I didn't come back from death the same as I was before. And I don't mean "the trauma of my death changed me"," he said with finger quotes, rolling his eyes at the same time. "I mean I literally didn't come back fully human. At the latest, I've known I wasn't fully human since shortly after everything that happened with Tim, but it's far more realistic to say I've known, at least on some level, ever since I first came out of the Pit." Jason sighed and ran a hand through the tuft of white hair that liked to fall into his eyes. "Looking back, almost every single fight between me and another member of the family, except Damian, started because I either misunderstood something someone said or took insult where none was meant, because I reacted based on instinct and emotion first instead of logic, and while I've gotten better at thinking crap through before I respond, interactions between all of us for the past year and a half have been noticeably less tense and have resulted in a lot less bloodshed. That's not all on me, and neither is it all on the Demon Spawn finally starting to get a clue."

"Alright," Steph said, the gears in her head almost visibly turning. "Putting aside you knowing years ahead of us that it was possible to start out human and end up not, what do you mean by almost every fight between you and a different family member except Damian? Are you saying the fights between you two were that different than all the others?"

He blinked at the blonde in incredulity for a moment. "Steph… Damian's from a warrior culture," he said slowly, praying he didn't need to spell it out for her. She just blinked blankly back at him and he let out a soft curse under his breath. No luck. "Out of the entire family, only four of us have been trained by the League of Assassins, and B didn't exactly keep up with the cultural practices after his stay with them. Cass may have picked up on a lot of those practices from her sperm donor and whatever other trainers he allowed her to train under, but she didn't have all of them and didn't really understand what she had picked up or how to actually apply it. I was the only one who, in Damian's eyes at the time, was cultured and spoke a familiar language. He saw me as someone who was reliable, and a part of me saw him in a similar light due to my own experiences with the League right after my resurrection. Fights with the Demon Spawn were more like training spars while fights with pretty much everyone else were basically honor duels." How has this not come up before now? Are the others just as clueless about this crap? Jason wanted to shake some common sense into some of his siblings, maybe scream a little in frustration. If the only ones who knew anything accurate about his and Damian's relationship were literally just the two of them, he was going to be so disappointed in his family…

Steph looked like she was going to say something more on the subject when Bruce and Babs entered the cave, Babs heading to the Batcomputer while Bruce walked over to the two of them.

"I had a feeling you two would still be down here. Steph, go get changed, I'll help you with your hair pins before you head out, okay?" Bruce asked. Steph gave a sloppy salute and skipped off to the changing rooms, though Jason could tell she wasn't going to let their conversation drop that easily. Bruce took a moment to watch Steph go, and Jason got back to cleaning his guns as he waited for his father Bruce to say his piece. "Are you alright, Jaylad? You usually aren't this anxious before an op, especially an information gathering one like this."

Jason finished rubbing down the last part that needed attention before quickly reassembling his guns. "At the beginning, back when the Demon Spawn first came to live with us, did any of his interactions with the family stand out as different to you?" Jason asked instead. He switched to checking his hidden ammo pouches, making sure everything was topped off. He wasn't expecting a fight tonight, but he needed something to keep his hands occupied.

A hand, scarred and familiar, caught his attention as it came to rest on his own. "I've always known yours and Damian's relationship was special to both of you. You both got each other in ways the others are still trying to understand. And yes, I'm aware a large part of that is due to your time with the League, I'm not as blind to your dealings with your siblings as you all seem to think I am," Bruce said with a chuckle. He brought his other hand up to gently raise Jason's head, making eye contact soon after. "I'm grateful you were able to give Damian a small slice of his first home when I couldn't, Jason. While I wish neither of you had ever been in the situations that lead to you both being with the League, I'm grateful those experiences were able to bring you two closer together as brothers."

He stared at Bruce in shock for a moment before clearing his throat and looking away. "Damn it, B, warn a man before you bring out the emotion talk," he said, stalwartly pretending his eyes weren't misty.

Jason saw Bruce smile out the corner of his eye as his father patted his shoulder with the hand that had been on his cheek. "My bad, sorry about that. Finish getting ready then meet by the Batcomputer for a quick briefing," he said before walking away.

As Jason finished checking his ammo pouches and slid his gloves back on, he couldn't help but smile to himself at the faint, almost tangible, warmth in his chest. Things had really changed in the past year and a half, and for the better, at that.

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Danny was both excited and nervous for what this evening would entail. He'd been obsessively going over everything he'd ever been taught about the various non-human beings that called Earth and its various pocket dimensions home in preparation for this night. He didn't know who he was meeting with first, nor did he know how many of Batman's clan he was meeting with, so he and his Fright had probably gone a bit overboard with potential lesson plans. He just wanted to give the Bats a good first lesson about their various species and the instincts and abilities that are a part of them.

He was waiting at the rooftop shrine where he met with Raven, once more sitting cross-legged about a foot above the roof. It had been almost two weeks since he and Raven had set up these lessons, and he was eager to get started. The current plan was that for the initial lessons, if everything worked out during this first one, Danny would be meeting each publicly known member of the Batclan at that exact shrine for basically what boiled down to essentially bookwork before eventually moving on to hands-on training with their current and future abilities at a different, more secure location. He had to admit, it was a pretty good system for having been developed at the drop of the hat between two beings who didn't even know each other yet.

A sudden burst of flame on the corner of the roof drew Danny's attention to Condor's arrival. Y'know, Danny thought with eyes wide with awe as the hooded form of Condor stalked out of the fire with a predatory grace, little tendrils of fire chasing after him, if we'd known Condor literally appeared in a burst of flames at times, lich would have been the last thing we thought of. It's so freaking obvious he's a phoenix that in hindsight I feel like an idiot.

The faint rustle of feathers against fabric had him turning around just in time to see Starling drop down from on top of the shrine and land in a stooped crouch, feather headdress flowing in the breeze as her head tilted ever so sightly to the side, the hood of her own costume shading her face enough to make the florescent red lenses of her full face mask stand out starkly.

"We aren't late, are we?" A soft, almost lyrical voice asked from behind Danny, brimming with power and potential but holding nothing but eagerness and nervousness. Condor's voice was most definitely masculine, but it was almost impossible to tell if it were tenor, baritone, or bass as it seemed to be all of them at once. It was captivating and bone chilling all at once.

Danny looked over his shoulder, more sure in his assumptions of the species of these two vigilantes than ever before. "Not at all, you're right on time. Shall we begin?"

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HEY EVERYONE!!! So sorry for the wait, I meant to get this chapter finished and published back in May, but, well... That obviously didn't happen (⁠^⁠～⁠^⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ also, you may have noticed something different about this part (⁠ ͡⁠°⁠ ͜⁠ʖ⁠ ͡⁠°⁠) yes, that's right, part 4 of this series has been broken into chapters!!! This will mainly come into play on AO3, as part 4 will be a multi chapter fic over there (as well as actually have a title (⁠；⁠^⁠ω⁠^⁠）) but I thought it was important to acknowledge it here, too!

[seraphiism]

𓆩 ღ 𓆪 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 , 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 & 𝐢

( IT IS EASIER TO TELL A STORY OF HOW PEOPLE WOUND ONE ANOTHER THAN OF WHAT BINDS THEM TOGETHER. )

chara : nanami kento fandom : jujutsu kaisen quote cr : anne carson, lights a/n : posted the original fic 2 years ago ! revised + rewritten.

one. love is not always as kind as the world makes it out to be. to be in love, perhaps, can be such a wondrous thing : to give it, a blessing ; to reciprocate it, a miracle.

but it is not always that easy, not always that simple. in the rhythms of love, there are sharp edges, jagged and wretched and lined with a cruelty and you won't know it until you're bleeding with some kind of heartache.

you learn this the hard way.

you are in love with nanami kento, and he is in love with you. that, perhaps, is one of the most heartbreaking things you have ever come to realize.

( QUESTION : how can i undo this? HOW CAN I FORGET? ANSWER : —————————————————————— )

two. nanami kento does not know how he will die, but he imagines it will be gruesome. to know peace in one's ending is not something he will be granted, but he accepts this with a light heart. he dwells on his life and everything he has known : all the grievances, this dull ache of survival, and a fleeting happiness. he dwells on his funeral, wonders if they will find him, the ache in his chest void, the blood in his veins splattered on unholy grounds ( likely not, he muses, and he cannot figure out if that would be for the best ).

all living things die. that is simply how the cycle works. who is he to decide otherwise?

it is different in a world of curses and sorcerers. acknowledging that you could walk into the hands of death at any moment, departing for missions in which there is no guarantee that you will return to the person or place you know as home-- it is too cruel. unjust, in a way.

he loves you. he loves you, but he cannot.

in days unknown, there will be a time where one of you will not come back. there will be a day where one of you will lay flowers at the other's grave-- the question is simply who will be the one to do so.

he loves you. he loves you, so he will rid of this affection, ignore the remnants of tenderness in a dying heart, and move on. he will not hurt you like that. he cannot bring himself to, and so he will deny himself this bit of humanity.

three. you walk under the cherry blossoms. the sky is pink, hazy, and it is beautiful. it almost makes you laugh-- what a cliche situation this is, to walk side by side with the person you love, the gentle breeze carrying the petals across the ends of the earth.

"do you ever wonder if you've made the right choice, coming back to us?"

you look down at your footsteps, observe the path you take. it goes on endlessly, and it is frightening and exhilarating and right and wrong, but there is no infinity in it. it'll end, somehow, this temporary comfort between you and him, and it will all go back to before : a reluctance in the presence of another and the pondering of what could be.

he stares at you, maintains his composure as he always does. but there is something inside of him that unravels too quickly, and it is with desperation that he keeps a quiet suffering.

the sight of you, peaceful, happy, is all he needs. he will remind himself of this moment in the near future, and perhaps once more in his last moments, because this is the only way he can seek closure in what he knows to be as a necessary hurt.

he inhales, deep, takes in the scent of the cherry blossoms. exhale.

he smiles. there is something inside him that continues to break, but that's okay.

"i've made the right choice."

four. the thought of love, idealized in all its glory, makes you nostalgic. makes you dwell, daydream, and desire for something more. you know it's stupid-- you do, but even you are human. you should remind yourself of that more often.

you study the paintings on the wall. you hate them. always have. you wonder if satoru chose them out himself because god, they're so hideous that you're certain that he was just trying to piss off the headmaster.

there's a loud yawn that shifts your attention elsewhere, gaze focusing on a certain someone : the chosen one, he declares, and you almost laugh every time he deems the title as his. he sits on the couch near you, slouches so much that it's almost as if he could just melt off the furniture.

"satoru," you begin, and your voice is quiet-- distant, almost, "what do you think the most beautiful thing in life is?"

he pauses, scratches his head. rarely do you address him as such, but it's not the most surprising thing in the world -- but maybe it's the way you sound so defeated, so worn out, that it makes him feel that slightest bit of unease and worry for someone he cares for. you feel so far away from him right now, even though you're only a few feet away.

it is a familiar feeling. one he remembers deeply. one he does not like.

but he hums obnoxiously, forces his thoughts away from a past unforgiving.

"me."

"shut up, you fucking idiot."

he grins, takes off his sunglasses.

"why? daydreaming again?"

you don't like to look at his eyes. they're too bright, see too much. you focus on the dreary paintings again, choosing your words carefully.

"hoping." you begin. "i'm hoping." a simple answer. a foolish one, at that. you force a smile. "kind of stupid, right? hope doesn't do much in this kind of world."

you can feel his gaze on you-- heavy. knowing. you meet his eyes, swallow hard. you wish he'd cover them again, because you're not used to this -- the lack of amusement, the lack of pity, but instead, a strange kind of thoughtfulness. you're not sure how to interpret it. best to not.

"nanami is stubborn," he says, adjusting his posture as he sits up a little straighter, "but so are you."

your gaze flickers back to the paintings. there's a lump in your throat now. it hurts, almost-- threatens to render you speechless.

"satoru." you don't know what you're saying anymore. you are desperate to seek answers to something you already know. "is the hurt worth it?"

a pause. a brief silence, ongoing.

"don't you know the answer to that already?"

your eyes sting. the paintings blur just the slightest bit. something aches.

( can't you just tell me, you almost want to beg, your silly little stupid pride on the line, whether i should take the fall or not? )

he puts his sunglasses back on, and though you can no longer see the blue, you know there is a deep sorrow somewhere in the waves.

you wonder if he's still looking at you.

five. neither of you are brave enough to jump. it's for the better. ( it is, it really is, you will reason with yourself, it's better this way. )

"i can do it." nanami says. there's dried blood on his face, cuts and bruises everywhere in sight. it's not all of his blood, but somehow, there's little comfort to be found in the fact.

"yes, i know." you agree without a single hesitation. "but give me this, would you?"

so he does. he leans against the countertop, obedient, watches you sort through the first aid kit like it's second nature ( and at this point, given the first years and their track record, surely it must be ). you gingerly wipe the red that stains his cheek, note the way his jaw clenches in response.

"it hurts."

you smile, bittersweet. your heart twists into a brutal, blinding pain, but you force it anyway, even though you know it's far from convincing. he doesn't mention it. he just looks at you, unwavering, but there's something unrecognizable in his eyes-- something you want to see, but something you want to remain oblivious to. your eyes are stinging again. you bring yourself to break a silence that is heavier than anything you have ever held.

"i'm sorry."

your voice cracks, and his name lingers on the tip of your tongue, sweet and shy, never falling from your lips.

it is almost instinctively that he desires to place his hand over yours, lean into your gentle touch, and remember this fragile feeling forevermore. but to give in is a weakness, and this weakness can only lead to tragedy. there is already enough of that in this life, he thinks ; you cannot carry anymore.

so he swallows the hurt, swallows the suffering. he fights the need to touch you, to feel your presence, understand everything that you are and could be to him. instead, his fingers grasp the bathroom counter so tightly that he feels he could shatter the granite to pieces.

this is the right choice. this is the right choice. this is the right choice. it has to be.

inhale. exhale. there is a gentle curve of the lips, and words that taste like poison, heavy with regret and a longing profound.

"i am sorry, too."

[saskiacornelli]

Quotes that made me feel shit

“Our love wasn’t the kind of love that was written in the cards… it was the kind of love that burned them.”

“Do villains have hearts baby?”

“Always a rebel, forever a soldier, one as a lover, the other don’t bother.”

“Always a rebel forever soldier, one as a lover, the other forever

“I fed them chaos… …so they swallowed me whole. “

“I prefer the men who lurk in dark, dusty corners. After all, that’s where all the secrets lie.”

“You only think I’m perfect because you haven’t seen my soul”. 

“The thing about the people who know how to ignite your rage are usually the only people who also know how to put it out”.

“A smile is strong enough to conceal sadness, because it’s easier for people to acknowledge that someone is happy, rather than offer sympathy for another’s desolation.”

“She wasn’t pretty or attractive. She was damn right lethal and she fucking knew it.”

“I was a Doll, but I wasn’t made of plastic. I was constructed of the names of all those who’d wronged me…” 

“All three of us lived with damage. None of it made sense, the pieces didn’t fit; until we met each other.”

“Love will never die if it exists on the lips of death.”

“Once you’ve tasted the bitter tang of sin on the tip of your tongue, you’ll do everything you can to drink from its poison for the rest of your life.”

“I live for chaos. I bathe in it, dance in it, and fuck in it”

“People who know too much are walking time bombs, ready to explode and exploit at any moment. They have too much control.”

“You are brutally beautiful in your own way”

“Knock knock, bitch now let the devil in”

“Stuck between a rock and a hard place, so I dug her fucking grave screaming, this bitch can’t be saved”

“Fuck love, but it’ll fuck you too…”

“I’ll take away your sadness with my deranged madness.”

“The most beautiful faces hide the darkest souls.”

“Could the same hands that end lives be the same ones to make mine come alive”

“In the dark is where wilted flowers grow, they get watered with the blood of his enemies and the fluid from my broken heart.”

“A wish is just a sentence that’s said aloud in the hopes of it coming true.”

“You’re not just a switch for my humanity, you’re a goal trigger for my rage too.”

“I’d much rather sleep in darkness. It’s where my thoughts reside.”

“My knight was darkness, fighting fire with fire- I fought darkness with darkness.”

“In our world of shattered reflections that look back at us, I’m the girl who wants to dance with the devil.”

“I was light, and I was pure until I wasn’t.”

“Your mind is like your very own diary, locked and sealed between the gushing of blood that is being courted through the fibers of your cranium.”

“The devil should run.”

“I was made for war, not for love. I don’t want to break people. I want them to be broken already. I don’t want to feel that way, but I can’t help myself.”

“Love is savage, love is blind, love is something they may not find…”

“The most crippling pain

That comes isn’t from losing your lover, it’s from losing something that was so precious that you didn’t deserve it to begin with.”

“Some angels have the devil on their side…”

“Love doesn’t care who it destroys to get what it wants.”

“His eyes were the entrance to Hell, and every time he looked at you, he would draw you in closer to the burning iron gates.”

“Lost can be whole again once it has been found.”

“To rare for earth, too doomed for heaven.”

“If he wants a show I’ll give him mayhem.”

“I don’t care if I will fall in love with a devil, as long as that devil will love me the way he loves hell.”

“He set fire to the world, but never let a flame touch her.”

“His love is aphotic, but she’s willing to drown in it.” 

“He held a darkness that could never be touched. She carried a light that could never be seen.”

“A dream is just a nightmare wearing makeup.”

“There’s no price to power; there’s just blood.”

“He told me he loved me. And that may be true, but the only thing left between us, is broken and strewed.”

“Till death we don’t part because even if we do die, our souls still continue to find each other.”

“This world was all fun and games right up until the finally came.”

“I’ve always been one that would prefer to dance with danger than walk with the mundane.”

“To all the fuckers who said I would never amount to anything.

*grins*

Sup.”

The devil furnishes his darkest souls with the prettiest smiles.

And as I was in the darkness so darkness I became.

Most people want to be the sun that lights up your life, but I’d rather be the moon that shines don on you in your darkest hours

Our love tore everything apart… including each other 

Tricksters don’t have hearts. They just pretend they do.

Trouble never looked so fine

She knows who she is. She just forgot it for a little while.

Tell the wolves I’m home

Family ain’t who your born with. It’s who you die for. 

What if the same hands that soothe me are the same hands that harm me

I kind of want to eat u rn

Later. I want to play first

My karma may be a bitch, damn that bitch is beautiful

I was the trick that they could never play. 

She was the greatest game of all…

There was elegance that comes from being carved from the ashes of all the darkness that surrounds you in the world. 

You start as dust, and you end as dust. At least that’s what I always thought. 

I wasn’t someone who needed protecting… they were. 

People whispered his name in fear. I screamed it when he was in between my thighs. 

You may be a princess on the streets and people may fall to their knees in your presence, but in here? You’re my little fucking toy, and the only one kneeling will be you. 

I was her weapon but she forgot to protect her heart.

She wore a thousand faces all to hide her own

Who needs enemies when you have memories that torture you all the time

They say drowning is the most peaceful death, I can imagine why.

To protect a monster, one must be a monster 

The darkness has always lingered inside me, I’ve just subdued it by feeding it my fears 

When you’ve been raised by monsters, they teach you how to exist with them

A killer’s love is as violent as the art in which they take lives.”

Cheers to more bodies dropping. As the old saying goes, may they all rest in pieces.

He exists within darkness so that I can be the light to guide him home

She can see through people. Their lies, their secrets, and the decayed skeletons they try to hide in their closet 

In or messed-up way, the Cherry will always symbolize our bond. We grew as a pair from the earth and shared the same flesh and blood. When one is disconnected from the other, we rot and die. I rot…. And die

Betrayal is a poison , and once you taste it, you can’t get it out

My life is full of messy people who don’t always make the right choices 

Before he was the Devil’s pet… He was mine. 

They killed lots of people, but they would hug me if I’m crying 

She was fearless, and crazier than him. She was his queen. And god help anyone who disrespected his Queen

I’ve seen the devil more than I’ve seen god

The prettiest smiles hide the darkest secrets 

The prettiest eyes have cried the most 

The kindest hearts have felt the most pain

You thought you could live like a saint but forgot that you’re claimed by am Antichrist

Beauty is the deadliest curse of all because it tricks you into thinking you’re attracted to it

People don’t just disappear, other people just stop looking for them

There was a women who also sought the light but it burned her and she fell into darkness 

I’ve always loved messing with people who try to hard at life

They wanted to own me… I just wanted to survive them

He wasn’t cold to be cruel. He was cold out of necessity to survive a brutal world.

I think I scare him as much as he scares me

The foe, the weapon, the ruse, the liar 

Not all soulmates are lovers

Bloodied and broken with the kind of torment that breeds, but never dies. 

A story about two souls destined to be together, but who are trapped in bodies that hate each other 

The stories would never die… not until the real one at least has been told. 

It all started with a game. The kind of trickery that poisons your heart because it knows the mind is week

A daughter, a friend… a liar 

To the people that fuck red flags. Saddle up. 

Hades hollow has a secret, and like the bones of our ancestors that live beneath the waters here, it should stay dead. 

He had eyes that matched the gates of hell and an air about him that made all the warning bells inside my head go off 

I have to know what freedom tastes like on the tip of my tongue 

The worst part about regret is the fact that you do t know when it’s going to hit you. 

The only people who get killed are those ignoring the signs. 

Diavoli dell’oceano (The devils of the ocean)

Who you are today will not be who you’re going to be tomorrow 

He was everything bad that no one should ever want, much less a Queen

There are whispers that go through the streets, and all of them begin and end with us

Bloodied and broken with the kind of torment that breeds, but never dies

Make the high and mighty low arrogant creatures down you go

If I can't have you, my love, I'll destroy you!

if he loves another and gives his heart, then magic will appear and everything he loves will die

Sleeping flame, I summon thee / To your form return / Make the night as bright as day / And burn, baby, burn!

Break my heart. Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break. 

When it comes to the high seas. Not all monsters lurk beneath the surface 

Never break in somewhere unless you know the way out

The only ones that aren’t afraid are the monsters

It’s always the prettiest girls who think they’re ugly

"If it's death that I've chosen, then so be it. Let it flow through my veins."

Sometimes you think you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found

I was so lost in hatred and revenge. You stole what was left of my heart 

You think no one loves you, and yet you attracted the devil babygirl 

Evil queens are just princesses that were never saved 

If you treat me like a game, then I’ll show you how it’s played 

If I can’t have you my love, I’ll destroy you.

Beautiful boy, you don’t even realize that some people look at your madness and see nothing but grace and brilliance 

Why should I apologize for the monster I’ve become? No one ever apologized for making me this way

If I can still breathe I’m fucking fine

Didn’t your mother ever tell you to never shake hands with a demon

Never hide your bad side to make someone stay, show your bad side and see who will stay

People don’t change. They reveal who they really are 

Someday someone will break you so badly that you will become unbreakable 

I’ll never be that me again

Fuck death till us part. Hell better lock its gates if I ever loose you. 

To the girls who think that the grim reaper will fuck like a god

When we’re young we’re taught the distinction between a hero and a villain, good and evil, a savior and a lost cause. But what if the only real difference is who’s telling the story

I found my own light when you left me in the darkness 

Hell is empty and all the devils are here 

The people that are the most broken and the saddest are the ones that would do absolutely anything for anyone else. 

Sweet as sugar cold as ice hurt me once, I’ll break you twice

She wanted to feel loved without feeling like she was begging for it

She’s fading away slowly and not noticing 

She passed her hardest moments alone when everyone thought she was fine 

He’s not gods disciple he’s Lucifer’s little bitch

Don’t enter the den of wolves and ask not to be bitten 

You’re my heaven and I’m your hell

I want toxic. I want madness. I want someone who makes me question my sanity 

They say even monsters have weaknesses

Yeah, he is a liar. But he’s a liar that loves you

To the girls who fall for villains… Their hearts are only black until you tear them out 

He was always there to take my hand… even if it was to lead me straight to hell.

Every time you fall, I’ll catch you. Even with blood on my hands  

You’d lose your mind trying to understand mine 

And suddenly, sadness turns to anger 

My mother didn’t raise a fool. A psychotic cold-hearted bitch, but not a fool

Some children are simply born with tragedy in their blood 

Quietly she fell apart 

I wanted to feel love without feeling like I was begging for it 

Personally I’m both fucked-up and misunderstood 

But it made you stronger

I was a child

I didn’t need to be stronger 

I needed to be safe 

I feel like it’s my anger that has helped keep me alive 

Being raised by cold eyes taught me not to cry

Run, and when you come back burn this place to the ground 

So heartless yet so full of feelings 

I have slit throats far more beautiful then yours 

A part of me always knew you weren’t villain in my story

They were the product of every nightmare you were told as a child, only now, they don’t go bump in the night. 

They throw parties to conceal your morbid games, and leave behind the chaos that can never be tamed. 

My biggest fear is that you see me the way I see myself

Abuse can feel like love. 

We are all born beautiful. The greatest tragedy is being convinced we are not.

The problem with trauma is it leaves its scars behind, so it knows exactly where to find them again when it comes back. And it does, it always comes back. 

Yeah I’ve done some pretty horrible things to survive but unlike you poor, delicate, (insert there name) I deal with my shit. You wouldn’t last one day without everyone fawning over you.

I am the object of his art, his desire, and his depthless scorn 

When you make someone fall in love with the darkest parts of you, there’s nothing you can do that will scare them away.

This shadow ruined every expectation I had of seeing the light

I fell so deeply that I’ve found myself in the devils lair being feasted on from the dark god himself

Humans don’t need to decorate themselves in gory make-up and fake blood to be scary. It’s the insides of us- the darkness that lurks beneath the surface that’s what truly fucking terrifying. 

The fun has only just begun little mouse.

When he walks through the room, it’s like the darkness cringes to him. He is darkness.

They’ll soon realize that I sit on the fucking throne, and their nightmares, bow to me.

You might be a psycho, but you’re my psycho, and I’m yours 

To the world, she is formidable. 

To me?

She is the world.

I was certain I would never love him. And now that the rain has calmed, my resolve has shattered, and I’m left with a screaming heart and a silenced world 

For centuries. Both of us wearing different faces, inhabiting different bodies. But the same souls, colliding over and over, until this planet decides to crumble and our souls have nowhere else to go 

Parsons Manor will always be destined to be the house that burns and takes lives 

I always thought I would be protected. Untouchable. I thought I was unbreakable, but I’m the right hands, anyone can be fragile. 

When love grows where have was planted, you don’t get flowers. Just thorns.

Pretending your demons don’t exist doesn’t make them stop chasing you… only slows the race. 

He saw the devil in her beauty, she saw the beauty in his darkness

Life was nothing more than a mask used to forgive someone for all the wrong they did. Love didn’t exist. Obsession did. 

In darkness, even the violent burn of hatred could lead you home

Cunning. Unexpected. Not to be fucked with. Gentle but not soft. 

Forgiveness wasn’t a currency I’d ever spend. If you crossed me I’d simply make you pay.

People don’t tell you their lies. They show them.

In sin, and until the last drop, long live the EKC until our hearts stop

I’d felt the thunder of her dark side over the years, but I was yet to taste its rain. 

The weight of love can be trained to straighten you, or it will be the anchor that drowns you.

Love is like cocaine. Easy to snort, hits fast, but then you realize it’s not worth it.

Betrayal is a wound that most girls cannot forget, it cuts deeper than love itself. That’s why it lingers in our blood as a reminder to us that men like (name) exist, and why at the end of the day, they’ll only ever be some guy you thought you loved 

To love a beast, you must be a best. 

They say you could feel the shadow of death before it took you. And tonight, that shadow was here

If I wasn’t so tired, all I’d be able to feel are the new wounds over my heart.

The hardest part about sharing any kind of trauma with people is sometimes, we don’t want to give the ones we love the pain that we’ve held on to

What’s your favorite food? 

If you let me taste you, it might just be you

I am strong. I am wild. I am a survivor 

Are you still a survivor if you can’t remember the darkest part of your memories

Hit him hard and hit him deep. Strike the heart and make him weep. 

Mater et luna voco, redde unde exierunt, Cinis cinerem. Pulvis sunt pariter 

This women came straight from the pits of hell. She’s strong, smart, and cunning. 

I heard true love never dies, but your love killed me.

She was wild but loyal

She was like the moon, part of her was always hidden away. 

She was wild but loyal 

She was the type to fall in love with the stars  and everything that was beautifully unreachable 

Her angel eyes saw the good in many devils

The devil furnishes his darkest souls with the prettiest smiles

He came into this alley as the predator. He’ll die as the prey 

To defeat a monster, you have to be twice as monstrous. To love a monster, you have to share your soul

They took too much. Left too little. I had nothing to lose, until him. 

My mind is whole, even if my soul is not. 

She’s resistive and unattainable. She has everyone yearning for her attention, only to feed them crumbs

I’ll pain the town red just like they painted the streets with our blood

The time for secrets is over. Tell my story. Save your soul. 

I thought love would rip my heart out. 

I thought it would set me on fire. 

Instead, it turned me to ice. 

I’m still the twisted monster in the night while your the honest hero in the light

Mentally, I was a slut. Physically, I was terrified of intimacy. Spiritually, I didn’t like men. 

You walk a fine line between macabre and uncharacteristically psychotic 

Seduce and destroy

You can play hard to get all you like. I fucking love the chase.

And I like to run

Let the games begin baby

With the fallen, I rise

With the broken, I cry

With the lost, I find my own 

With the outcasts, I am home 

With the forgotten, I remember

With the chaos, I am centered 

With the wrong, I find the right

With the exiled, I will fight

To all the book sluts who go feral over masked strangers that fuck like they kill… I got you

She was the sea. Calm but so deep

She was like the moon, part of her was always hidden away

Take my hand, take my whole life too and dance with me in the dark

The Devil and I get along just fine

Divine violence

A Prophecy of Secrets & Poison

Secrets are cancer, so here’s a truth. I know yours. They were never meant for you!

It’s crazy how trauma makes you push people away when all you want is love

If they tried to take her from him, he’d rip the world apart with his bare hands. And for some reason that didn’t scare him

She’ll know all my secrets except one: that I’m in love with her 

In the trauma of my death, I became the Aglaeca. Those who died by the monster's hand had already been warned. They made their choice. Just as you did.

They say I’m emotionless. I’m not. Because I hated her.

It’s giving little red riding hood if she loved the wolf

They created a monster and asked why I bite

He wanted to play games… but forgot who he was playing with 

Love is a theme park, so let’s burn this bitch down.

They say true love never dies. But they never cut deep enough

She tried to hide her demons… so I ripped her apart to get them. Wonder if they tasted the same way they did all those years ago 

They had the kind of love…that should never exist

[grandhotelabyss]

Rearranging my bookshelves at the moment in chronological order. One thing I noticed is that after Austen... English literature kinda fizzled out. At least until the early 1890s when a whole pile of writers emerge all at once (Wilde, Yeats, Shaw, Stevenson, Conrad, Doyle, Hardy, H. G. Welles, and more; and almost immediately they're followed by a tidal wave of modernists). Whereas for seventy years, aside from the three big poets you're covering plus Alice In Wonderland, it's just Dickens, Eliot, and the Brontes!

Now, admittedly the 'just' is doing some heavy lifting — but so are those novelists, in carrying Shakespeare's language over a seventy-ish year period! And in terms of variety, they feel like both a less *diverse* ('sprawling 18C three-deckers' describes accurately, if dismissively, most of those novels) and, more controversially, a less *fruitful* crop than the bursting quarter-century from Blake's first illuminated manuscripts to Austen's death.

Now you did discuss the 'cultural studies' aspect of the Victorian era, which was very enlightening — but at the same time, Russian, French, and American literature each undergo what are almost certainly their greatest periods! Which makes sense to me considering the *imaginative* ferment I'd expect to be cause by the political and industrial revolutions of the entire period... like, those three countries didn't reduce to cultural studies!

So, three questions: 1) Who am I missing over that stretch from Austen's death to, let's say, Dorian Gray? 2) Do you think this reading is correct, or am I weighting things wrongly, either being too dismissive of the writers named, or giving too much credit to the writers at either end of the century? 3) What, if you can answer something so broad, was different in France, America and Russia?

(Sorry to set you a three-part essay question on a Wednesday night lmao, really I'm just fishing for any interesting thoughts you might have)

If I were to dispute your claim, I would do so in two ways: 1. I'd say that Dickens is so enormous, so much the iconic and canonical English novelist, the one who stands next to Shakespeare, that he carries the whole period; and 2. I'd say (and have already said in The Invisible College) that the Victorian Sage writers like Carlyle, Ruskin, and Arnold have the weight and intensity of the prior Romantic poets and subsequent modernists.

If someone else were to dispute your claim, someone else might say that there are a lot of great novelists in the mid-Victorian period, like Trollope, Thackeray, Mrs. Gaskell, and Wilkie Collins. Someone else might say this, but I could never get interested in those writers, and I doubt anyone thinks they're the equal of Balzac, Melville, or Tolstoy—or of Dickens. On the other hand, we now take the Brontës far more seriously than people once did—I would put them essentially on the same level as Austen and Dickens—so fashions in these things are always changing.

So I essentially agree with you that, except for the writers you name, especially Dickens and Eliot, it's a fairly flat period. I suspect the reasons are the ones the modernists would have offered, despite their sometimes exaggerated animus against the Victorians: the sentimentalism, the censoriousness, the middle-class piety, the imperial self-regard, the padded serials, and all the rest of it.

I've quoted on here before Seamus Deane's slightly offensive view of the matter in his Celtic Revivals, coming from Marxist postcolonial theory (and as I've also said before, this is particularly unfair to George Eliot, who, I must emphasize, translated Spinoza):

It is, I believe, easier to understand Joyce’s achievement in this respect by looking to the Continental tradition of the novel. There the theme of intellectual vocation was much more deeply rooted and was treated with a subtlety quite foreign to the evangelical, female puritan spirit which so dominated the sentimental English novel. Perhaps Middlemarch more than any other single work shows how the innate provincialism of the English novel deprived it of a consciousness of itself as a part of a greater European culture. This is something conspicuously present in the French and, even more, in the Russian novel of the nineteenth century. One could not imagine Crime and Punishment or Le Rouge et le Noir without the idea of Europe, especially Christian Europe, as a living force in them, in their traditions, and in the minds of their creators. But Emma and Great Expectations and Middlemarch survive happily, and more modestly, apart from that idea. Not until an American, Henry James, arrived on the scene was the novel in English Europeanized, and the Irishman Joyce countered this achievement by anglicizing the European novel.

So that "puritan" and "provincial" spirit explains the disparity between the English on the one hand and the Russians and French on the other, who were simply writing in different social circumstances for an audience presumed to contain fewer young ladies in need of moral protection. One might add the English empirical bias against big ideas, which authors as different as Blake and Eliot would so strongly protest.

In Love and Death in the American Novel, Leslie Fiedler says the European novelists held together an audience that consisted of common readers, mostly female, on the one hand, and highbrow intellectuals, mostly male, on the other. The Anglo novelist, by contrast, somehow let this audience fragment early on and had to address either one set of readers or the other.

The American case is particularly instructive: Hawthorne and Melville were neglected in their time, relegated to the margin by popular novels written in "the evangelical, female puritan spirit," of which Uncle Tom's Cabin is the most famous—but we just don't read these books! We read The Scarlet Letter and Moby-Dick instead of The Lamplighter or The Wide, Wide World. It's as if the English Victorian canon had been reduced to Sartor Resartus and Wuthering Heights. This causes the historicist critic to despair, and obviously a certain type of feminist critic too, who especially resents Hawthorne's line about "the damned mob of scribbling women," but what we can we do? We're interested in what we're interested in. And as I said in one of the IC episodes, it's not as if the great female writers of the 20th century wanted to follow in Stowe's footsteps either, since the puritan and provincial spirit was a much a prison for female authors in the 19th century as it was their place (their only permissible place) of articulation.

[hersweetrevenge]

i love the way corey talks and idc i'm making a whole ass post about it. disclaimer: i am in no way a language expert, so i can't say anything super poignant, but that's not going to stop me. all thoughts discussed to death with @slutforstabbings, who also coined the term "coreyism" which i now use with reckless abandon lol

corey has a pretty distinct speech pattern (which i am fighting for my life at all times to replicate while writing) and unusual ways of wording things.

corey's most frequent coreyism (in both movie and novel canon) is his really consistent habit of either repeating what he's saying multiple times, or repeating what other people say to him.

repeating himself

when he repeats himself, it kind of feels like he's trying to fill dead air (which makes sense because when he does this it's usually in a situation where he's nervous). he asks allyson about the halloween party like three times in one breath, "how many people you think will be there? think there will be many people there or not that many people there?"

but there are times when it almost feels like he's workshopping as he talks, trying different phrases until he settles on "the right one". when joan asks about his hand, corey says "He said it's gonna be fine, Momma. He said that you don't need to worry, and he said it would be terrific is what he said." corey basically expresses the same sentiment three times but worded different, until he settles on the best, most affirmative version -- "it would be terrific". he also adds the phrase "he said", or a variation of it, four different times. this feeds into his tendency to quote others too, it's like a reassurance to not only joan but to himself that those aren't his words (even though i have a strong feeling he is partly making it up in this instance, just to placate joan's questioning).

repeating others

now we come to his other habit of repeating things from other people. he either quotes verbatim or parrots phrases he's heard recently. in pretty much all of these examples, it mostly just seems like he has good recall and conversational memory, so "pre-made" phrases are easier to use to make his point than trying to word it himself.

in the novel, laurie tells him to "watch out for assholes... they're contagious", then he repeats the that sentiment twice later on -- once to allyson about dr. mathis (in the novel), and once to terry (both in the novel and the movie, even though the movie misses the setup line), "you just act like an asshole 'cause your father treats you like one, it's contagious, right?" it sounds more like a direct quote when he says it to allyson, and laurie had more recently said it to him, but with terry i doubt corey considers it a true quote, more that he's sort of adopted it as a convenient phrase for his lexicon.

at the allen house, he argues with laurie, "And he said to me, 'I hope you find love'. And I found it... you're the one to blame. 'Cause you go, 'you wanna do it, or you want me to?'" he repeats ronald and laurie here, recalling past conversations (verbatim) to make his point for him. i see him as someone who will remember conversations he had months ago and can bring it up easily when he either needs to remind someone of something or when he needs to "prove" something. [he does this in chapter eleven of @/slutforstabbings' fic, clean again, where he recalls a pretty specific conversation from weeks prior.]

[mesillusionssousecstasy]

The Summer I Turned Pretty Season 2 - Episode 1 to 3: Quotes

“- Escaping to your dreams is easier than living with your memories. It’s the being awake that’s the hard part.” (Belly - Episode 1)

“- You had Jeremiah, and it just wasn’t enough. You had to have Conrad, too. God, you are so fucking selfish.” (Steven - Episode 1)

“- No, no, no, no. Nothing is promised. You can’t promise anything. Sorry.” (Belly - Episode 1)

“- I’m sorry. I just, I know you’re trying your best. I don’t, I don’t expect anyone to understand what I’m going through right now, and I think I just have to deal with it alone.” (Belly - Episode 1)

“- Sorry, Mom. You know, Susannah died, remember? (Belly) - You don’t get to use Susannah’s death as an excuse. This whole year’s been hard for me, too. This isn’t about blame. This is about you and the choices you made. It’s about taking responsibility for yourself, even when things are hard. Life keeps going. You can’t just give up. (Laurel) - You want to talk about taking responsibility? You won’t even promote your book because you refuse to talk about Susannah. You gave up way before I did.” (Belly - Episode 1)

“- I knew I’d lose Susannah eventually. I just didn’t know I’d end up losing all of them. In my memory, the three of them will always be entwined, forever linked. There can’t be one without the others.” (Belly - Episode 1)

“- Jeremiah wants me to come because he’s afraid. I still know this boy better than I know almost anyone. So I’ll go for him.” (Belly - Episode 2)

“- Do you think we’ll be in when they find fout out we’re gone? (Conrad) - Oh, I’m not getting into any trouble. I’m telling everyone you kidnapped me.” (Belly - Episode 2)

“- What the hell happened with you guys? (Jeremiah) - He never said anything? (Belly)  - We don’t talk about you.” (Jeremiah - Episode 2)

“- Okay, not to be, like, a dick or anything, but you seem less devastated than I expected. I mean, considering you were practically swallowing his tongue last night. (Steven) - Leave it to you to make kissing sound disgusting. (Taylor) - Anyways, you could do better.” (Steven - Episode 2)

“- Belly, you were my best friend. We hooked up, and then you hooked up with my brother. And then everyone expected me to act like I was fine, and I wasn’t! (Jeremiah) - Okay, well the last thing that we wanted, that... I wanted, was to hurt you. And that’s why Conrad and I didn’t get together at the end of the summer. (Belly) - Yeah, Belly, for what? All of five minutes? That was just so you guys wouldn’t look bad. (Jeremiah) - I mean, you were seeing other people. We thought you were over it. (Belly) - Because otherwise, I was that pathetic loser that was keeping you guys apart. Sorry for what? For Conrad dumping you? Did you really not see that coming, Belly? Because I sure did. (Jeremiah) - I’m sorry because I miss you. I’ve missed you for months. That’s why I called you last night. (Belly) - Yeah, because Conrad wasn’t picking up. (Jeremiah) - Jere, you are the one I called, not him. Look, when Susannah was sick, I was so focused on Conrad and one being there for him, and I should have been there for you, too, okay? And I forgot about you. And I hate myself for that. I... Jere... I hate that I let you down. (Belly) - It happened so fast. Belly, it was really, really bad. I had Dad and Conrad sort of, but I needed you, and you just weren’t there. You left me. (Jeremiah) - I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.” (Belly - Episode 2)

“- But it’s not good enough for an event in New York with a bunch of other famous writers. (Saleswoman) - I’m about as unfamous as a writer can be. (Laurel) - You can’t be unfamous if I’ve heard of you.” (Saleswoman - Episode 2)

“- Wait, wait, wait. But they’re not even talking. Why-why would Jere call her and not me? (Steven) - I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause you’re such a pain in the ass all the time. (Taylor) - Okay, I’ll let her try and clean up her mess.” (Steven - Episode 2)

“- I don’t want anybody else touching you like I do.” (Song - Episode 2)

“- Yeah. You always could read my mind. (Belly) - I’m glad it’s back anyway, our ESP. (Jeremiah) - Oh. I know that you’re not eating any pie because... mm, you’re worried about ruining your abs. (Belly) - I mean, they are a service to mankind. (Jeremiah). - Nicole! (Belly) - Gigi’s dad got caught in some insider trading thing and they had to sell their house. And Shayla’s in Europe with her parents all summer. And so the gang’s broken up. But I guess that was bound to happen at some point. You still have my number? (Nicole) - We both know I won’t call. I doesn’t feel the same as last summer.” (Belly - Episode 2)

“- Why does he still have this pull on me? I don’t want to see him. And I can’t wait for it all at the same time.” (Belly - Episode 2)

“- Ooh. That feels good. (Conrad) - Yeah, that’s ‘cause you’re cold-hearted. (Belly) - For everyone else, maybe. Not for you. (Conrad) - I want it to be with you.” (Belly - Episode 2) 

“- We went to Brown to check on you ass. You know what? I didn’t think you’d pull this shit again. But you don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.” (Jeremiah - Episode 2)

“- There is nothing more beautiful than this. This particular sunset. It can match the beauty of anything in this world ten times over. No matter what’s happened, you can feel the tension of the day drifting away and out to sea. I want to memorize it all, because... you never know the last time you’ll see a place, a person.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- You’d think someone would have invented an easier system by now. (Belly) - If I wasn’t so fucking tired, I’d probably leave tonight. My mom would always fix everything up before we got here. (Jeremiah) - Yeah. The house feels different without her in it.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- The truth is, the hardest part about being here isn’t Conrad. Back home, I can almost believe Susannah isn’t really gone. But here at the beach house, she’s everywhere and nowhere.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- You know, he keeps saying he’s going to figure things out. He hasn’t figured out shit.” (Jeremiah - Episode 3)

“- Uh, Conrad may have listened to me at one point, but I don’t think he cares what I think anymore.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- I know this is hard with everything going on. (Conrad) - Please don’t shut me out. (Belly) - I feel like I just keep disappointing you. Belly, don’t leave it like this. (Conrad) - You... you are the one that made it like this.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- You know, Conrad just pushes people away when he needs them most. (Belly) - There’s only so many times I can take being pushed. It’s fucking exhausting.” (Jeremiah)

“- I mean, then, you know, why would you want to let go of such a-a magical place?” (Jeremiah)

“- What? Is Mr. I Don’t Believe in College having an existential crisis? God, does he even know what “existential” means? I bet you he thinks “SAT” stands for “stupid-ass test.” (Steven) - Can I tell you something? Not everyone measures people’s worth by what Ivy they go to.” (Taylor - Episode 3)

“- I know you worked really hard for it. It just... sometimes it feels like you think that you’re better and smarter than everyone. Uh, including me. Can you tell me what has you all in your feelings so that it can stop being weird? (Taylor) - Does Belly really think I don’t care about Susannah’s death? Am I an asshole? (Steven) - Probably, but that’s not why. Steven, everyone processes things differently, you know? I mean, my therapist says that happiness and grief can coexist. And that’s completely fine. (...) So we just drove all day to show up somewhere uninvited? (Taylor) - Look, I wanted to be there for them, all right? So I invited myself. I’m sorry. (Steven) - Also, gate crashing 101 says we can’t show up empty-handed, so keep an eye out for somewhere to stop. (Taylor) - Just don’t change my seat setting.” (Steven - Episode 3)

“- I should have known it was bad news. Bad news is the only kind that really can’t wait.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- She was helping me. (Conrad) - So you’ll accept her help but not mine? Got it. Glad to know where I fall in the ranking of ex-girlfriends. (Belly) - Grow up. (Conrad) - Go to hell. (Belly) - I should have known you’d be like this. (Conrad) - What do you mean? (Belly) - Forget it. (Conrad) - No, say it. Tell me. (Belly) - I knew it was a bad idea, starting something with you. (Conrad) - I don’t believe you. (Belly) - It was a huge mistake. (Conrad) - I hate you. (Belly) - Good (Conrad) - I never want to see you again.” (Belly - Episode 3)

“- I’ll never let myself be affected by him like that again. I can’t. If I did, it would destroy me.” (Belly  - Episode 3)

“- Guys, I had my lawyers look into any possible loopholes right after the funeral, but there’s none. Okay? The house is legally Julia’s. And believe it or not, I’m just as upset as you are about it.” (Jeremiah and Conrad’s dad - Episode 3) --> Btw this is not accurate and legally wrong!

“- You know, I just feel everyone’s slipping away, and-and the house is the last thing tying us together. (Jeremiah) - We’re not giving up. We’re gonna figure something else out. I feel like us all hanging around the open house tomorrow and being pains in the asses is a pretty good place to start. I’m sure Aunt Julia would love that. Let’s fuck some shit up.” (Conrad - Episode 3)

“- Maybe Julia was right. Susannah did believe Cousins was a fantasy world. But she made me believe, too. So maybe I can make sure it stays that way.” (Belly - Episode 3)

[doylldonmagar]

I meant to make a response to this sooner, but stuff came up and I forgot, and so oops my bad. This post is not intended with any ill will and is intended more for the general undecided public, because I don't really expect anyone with a firm stance to change their opinion based off of me. Anyway, with that said, one last thing before getting into debate points - overall, while I think Percy and Annabeth have some iffy interactions etc, I don't really hold it against the relationship. I think it's an error on RR and I'd rather spread awareness about unhealthy relationships than tell people not to ship the main couple of PJO who unintentionally have some unhealthy dynamics.

Anyway, I'm putting a break here so that I don't clog anyone's feed

So firstly, the poison issue and making Annabeth cry:

I don't think it's worthwhile to try to blame Percy for making Annabeth cry, because they're in hell. Like, they are both getting hit with one thing after another and it's extremely emotionally hard. So of course she's upset, and in this moment of high emotion and fear and trauma, she asks him to not do something that is incredibly scary. Controlling the water in someone's body is an insanely terrifying thing to witness, so it's not unreasonable to think that in the heat of the moment, she doesn't ever want to see that again. And I'm not sure its reasonable to think she would hold him to that in a life or death situation. She doesn't want him to do something horrific if he can avoid it. But homegirl isn't gonna say "oh my gosh percy that's so scary, promise me you'll never do that again - unless you have to" like that just doesn't fit with the story. So once again I blame RR for his wording of these scenes, because I think if Annabeth is as reasonable as we all seem to agree she is, then she isn't asking him to promise to literally never use his powers against anyone kind of thing. I think I've made my point on this.

Percy being suicidal:

I don't think we should really blame anyone for not seeing suicidal signs. That feels like a really dangerous game to play. If people knew when someone close to them was more or less suicidal, that'd be great. But as it is, so so many of us have lost people because we didn't know. Consider the news - how many times does someone's suicide get followed up with a quote from someone close to them saying "we/I didn't know they were struggling" or "I keep thinking over conversations and rereading texts, blaming myself because I feel like I should have known." People don't know. By the last book, they aren't even in their 20s, so they really shouldn't be burdened with responsibility for each other's suicidal thoughts/tendencies/etc.

Prev says Annabeth should "care enough to check in on him" and claims she doesn't even ask if he's okay. Again, I blame RR for this, because he chooses what content to leave in and take out and when to cut the scene. I don't think it makes sense to say she never checks in on him if the book never specifies that she didn't. For all we know, she asks right after the scene ends, or after the book she goes over every day to talk through everything with him, but RR simply didn't say whether she checked in with him. (Did Percy check in with Annabeth? Did either of them ever technically check in?)

Annabeth likes to keep Percy on his toes:

Prev quotes three passages:

House of Hades, XXII Annabeth POV: "Whenever she brought up Rachel’s name, Percy got nervous. [...] But Annabeth didn’t mind making Percy a little uneasy. You had to keep your boyfriend on his toes."

The Last Olympian Chapter One: "She [Rachel] was so much easier to be around than . . . well, than some other girls I knew. I didn't have to work hard, or watch what I said, or rack my brain trying to figure out what she was thinking."

The Last Olympian Chapter Twenty-Three: "Camp went late that summer. It lasted two more weeks, right up to the start of a new school year, and I have to admit they were the best two weeks of my life. Of course, Annabeth would kill me if I said anything different."

The House of Hades quote seems odd to me, I don't get the value of someone being uneasy or on edge. I sincerely believe this to be another RR fail - trying to make the relationship more of a lighthearted punchline. It feels very much like a ball and chain joke to me and it looks like RR just chose a poor stereotype to align with. If your SO intentionally tries to make you nervous, that's messed up. In this case, I'm still a percabeth shipper because I've erased that from their relationship but irl, if someone intentionally makes you nervous - please get out.

The Last Olympian, Percy saying Rachel is easier to be around than generic "other girls" he knows, and he comments that he doesn't have to "work hard, watch what [he's saying], or rack [his] brain trying to figure out what she was thinking." Again, I think RR was trying to make a statement about Percy and Rachel's relationship and was trying to play to the teen boy side of percy, but ultimately sets up P&A's relationship to be unhealthy. Annabeth is supposed to be highly intelligent, so it's reasonable for Percy to not always understand what she's saying. BUT if your significant other is intentionally making it difficult for you do interact with them or says things to confuse you and trap you - that's not a healthy sign. Please don't stick around if they are treating you that way. I excuse this behavior for Percabeth NOT because its "not that bad" or something. The reason I excuse it for them is because I sincerely believe it to be an error of the author's doing and I erase it from the relationship. But irl, people are responsible for their own actions and I recommend everyone be aware, if these examples describe your relationship, that's not a good sign.

Prev points out that Percy says Annabeth would kill percy if he didn't say the last weeks were good. Prev says he "literally thinks anabeth would kill him". Um, yeah, that's a figure of speech. I think we all know Annabeth is not a violence happy teenager. Again, RR tries to make their relationship lighthearted and make jokes like haha maybe the past 2 weeks weren't really so incredible. But that's still RR. And also think about it. Percy grew up with an abusive stepparent. It's not unreasonable to think he automatically thinks someone will be really mad for disagreeing. This seems like it really is just a joke that fell flat. That doesn't have to speak to Annabeth's character, though it's still not a good sign irl.

Prev also mentions that Annabeth makes the comment about keeping Percy on his toes while in hell, and makes the claim that Annabeth is playing mind games and making things worse for Percy while he's already in a bad situation. Turn that on its head really quick - Annabeth is also in hell and is mentally and emotionally wrecked too. This is what Tartarus does to you. Essentially, this can be chalked up to This isn't real Annabeth. She's more or less insane. Tartarus is messing with their minds, that's why they feel like they can't trust each other and why they want to quit and why they experience all the curses, and so on. (but yes, if you are in a relationship where the other person treats you like this, please be safe!)

Annabeth's spoken opinion of Poseidon:

The quotes are from The Lightening Thief. At this point, Athena and Poseidon are not on good terms and Annabeth reasonably sides with her mom, because 1. she has no reason not to, and 2. she is trying to be on her mom's good side. Also she's 12, doesn't know Poseidon, etc. Like yeah it's not good behavior, but it's not as though she met her in-laws and then complained about them the whole ride home. Like this is a 12 year old complaining about someone she's never met but heard negative things about from her siblings, and then in the 3rd quote she warns Percy that none of the godly gifts come without a cost. That's not targeting his family. She's warning him about something that is true for the entire family.

Percy's self esteem:

TLT: Annabeth volunteers for the quest saying she's "the best person to keep [percy] from messing up". I wouldn't take this quote as far as the prev did, saying she's already saying he'll mess up and that she's his only hope. Here's the thing, they haven't known each other for long. She's right that she knows more about the godly world and her strengths are his weaknesses. She's not wrong and she's not necessarily trying to make him feel badly, but she could have worded it better.

TLO: Annabeth gently corrects Percy on a word he read and tells him what it means. I think if she hadn't told him what it meant, this would be a fine interaction by everyone's opinion. Here's the thing, is there a way for Annabeth to know that it's just dyslexia, or is it possible that she thinks he doesn't know what the word is? If he doesn't recognize the word, it's possible that he doesn't know what it means. For sure she could have told him later, but this could also be framed as her trying to keep him from embarrassing himself later. He is really sensitive to being corrected on his reading, so it would have been kind of her to watch out for how she might be hurting him, but this isn't toxic or intentional.

TLO: Percy rates his cleaning job of his house and Annabeth says he's being generous, marks him a 3/5 and he says he knows better than to argue. Again, I disagree with prev. Prev claims she marks him lower than accurate, that Percy felt good about it and she shot him down, and that Percy doubts his ability to make a good enough argument. I think every person would mark themselves up, of course he thinks he did a good job - because he knows how much work he did. In the meantime, she knows how it should look in order to get a 5/5. That quote doesn't need to be framed to make her sound unkind. Athena has a strong emphasis on justice, and we have no proof Annabeth is trying to mark him down intentionally. As for Percy not arguing back, it doesn't have to be him doubting his ability to make a good argument. They're both stubborn and she's not going to change his rating just because he wants her to. He'd have to prove her wrong. And she's not, so it's not going to be worth the effort.

House of Hades: Reyna says without annabeth, Percy couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. Annabeth says that's true. Percy says hey! I agree that if someone is degrading your intelligence, that's not a good sign. It just occurred to me that as a daughter of Athena, it's plausible to think she and her siblings tease each other about their intelligence and that bleeds over into her relationship with Percy. On the flip side, I also think she should be aware of the fact that he's sensitive to negative opinions about his intelligence. I've said it multiple times already: I blame RR. I really think he does a terrible job remembering all of the trauma he's given the characters and so he doesn't make annabeth sensitive to Percy's trauma because it's essentially been written out of the story. I've written lots about this, go find my other posts if you care. For sure it's a lousy thing for her to agree to, and I would have appreciated it if RR had followed it up with a scene where he mentions it and she apologizes because yeah, that's not a cool way to talk about someone, even though it's technically just a joke that fell flat.

New Rome:

We've already covered that Percy is interested in being in New Rome, that it's the safest place for demigods. He does specifically say he feels torn between being in New Rome with Annabeth and being in NY with Sally, Estelle, and Paul. I agree he's never shown much interest in school but I'm gonna come back to this in a second. Prev asked if I was simply claiming New Rome Uni is catered to neurodivergence or if it was stated in the books. I don't remember the books saying so, but considering that neurodivergence is the demigods' neurotypical, I think it'd be ridiculous to think otherwise. And yes, neurodivergence is their neurotypical - both the greeks and romans commonly have dyslexia, though the greeks lean more into greek and the romans more into latin, but Percy was fine with both so that doesn't really matter in this situation. And the ADHD thing is due to their godly side being prepped for wars, and that's true for both greeks and romans, if not more so for romans, considering how the nature of all of the gods shifts to more warlike on the roman side. So the romans should be just as accommodating as the greeks to neurodivergence. Now assuming the University does cater to neurodivergence, then I'm going to return to Percy's lack of interest in school. So we agree that Percy never expected to live very long, so yeah he probably hasn't been planning a future in depth. However, I'd like to cite personal experiences and close friends and family's experiences and say so so many people have an unpleasant school experience and then get to university and it fits differently. That's not unusual, so it's entirely possible that he'd really enjoy learning in an environment that is built for him.

I'm not sure Annabeth is the only reason Percy is going to Uni. It's reasonable to think Paul and Sally really value him going, considering how Sally went as soon as she had the money to afford it. I agree that it might not be a smart move if he's going just to follow Annabeth, and that he'll regret missing out on time with Estelle. I kind of feel like RR is changing the characters to fit a plot point/plotline. I'm not sure if it's particularly unhealthy for Percy to be leaving NY to stay with Annabeth or if it's just not actively healthy. I really do think this is just a bad call on RR's part. I think Percy's so called "codependance" could also be considered as him not wanting to spend much time apart. I think it would be unhealthy for him to try to talk her out of going, but I think him making the decision for himself that he'd rather be with her at uni than without her in NY is fine.

I think prev makes some good points about NR not being incredibly safe and that NY is home to Annabeth and Percy and it doesn't make much sense for them to pack up their lives and move cross country. Though I'd argue that just because some people aren't interested in moving doesn't mean A&P aren't. I love my family, but I wouldn't mind moving up to a 12 hour drive away from them. As long as I can be back in a day, I'm good. But it's different for everyone. Also I don't recall the details of how New Rome is protected, only that it's supposedly the safest place for demigods. And I'll say it one more time - I think RR screwed up. He's been writing for how long?? Like homeboy has just forgotten and changed his mind and is being less consistent than the fanworks now.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who read all of this. If someone else had posted it, I wouldn't read it haha and if you respond to this, I'll probably take another year to respond oop

So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

[shadowsong26fic]

Coming Attractions!

First Monday of the month, so here goes!

(And, as is often the case with these, I'll be keeping an eye on my askbox for an Open Question Night. Anything I've posted about here or on AO3 is fair game; I do take prompts but am not necessarily very fast at filling them)

Year of the OTP

I'm still behind on all of these, haha...I still have to do the three origfic ones for June (but...honestly, I didn't...really like most of the June prompts, ah well) and all five for July, plus get caught up on August. Goal is to get all of that done by the end of the month, but we'll see how it goes (especially since this month involves the Actual Moving sooooooo yeah)

Other SW Fic

Mostly putting this here to say that Precipice is not dead because I refuse to let it die; granted I haven't been actively working on it as much as I should lately, but I will update Someday, I promise. Unless I end up falling out of the fandom entirely, that fic continue.

BSG Fic

Once again plugging the Big Bang/Mini Bang event! There's still time to sign up! We are particularly low on betas, and could also use a few more artists. So given the numbers I'm not going to participate as an author myself (though I'll beta and probably jump in to podfic). Also the idea I had I'm not sure how to structure it (Zarek character study; the general idea was him looking back on his first arrest as he waits for his execution; drawing some on that great quote of his from Kobol "It's a lot easier to get blood off your hands than on it" or something like that; sort of approaching the questions of how much of his rhetoric does he (still) actually believe; some things about charisma and leading other people to their deaths; I was going to title it 'The Blood of Angry Men'...)

Other projects--aside from the OTP stuff, I am still slowly putting The Other Battlestar together. No real ETA on that, but it is coming. And it is going to be. Extremely Long, lol. Even if I do end it after Pegasus, which is my current plan (because while I have Some thoughts, figuring out how drastically things would shift after that is. A Pain. I can more or less do In Spite Of A Nail between Atia and Kimble to get the fleet in Close Enough to that same position by the time that encounter happens but. After. Man.) But yeah, very long, because...I don't need to cover/rewrite everything, but there's a Good Chunk that does need to be reworked, plus covering those six months from the Pegasus side...It's probably going to be Precipice-length (200-250k) by the time I'm done, lol.

There are always other things noodling around in my head, but that's pretty much all that's sort of Actively In The Works.

(But sign up for the event! Join us!!!!)

Les Mis Fic

Yeah so this is the current primary brainrot, lol. Papa and J... is picking up again; Ari will start learning some things in the next chapter! And will find it way easier to identify J than initially expected, lol.

For the stuff Ari won't be able to learn (due to letters/records being lost, either deliberately or because...just...::gestures at the 19th-century French governments:: ), I'm going to post a companion piece after P&J finishes, working title Provenance.

The other project which I'm hoping to start posting soon is a Groundhog Day AU, working title Acheron. I'm excited for that one but. uh. Definitely heed the warnings when it comes out because. Yeah.

Other Stuff

I'm doing the occasional origfic snippet that's not connected to the OTP fills; plus bouncing back to some of the AtLA projects I started on at the beginning of that fandom renaissance, but nothing super concrete coming up.

But also pod_together! Writing is done, recording is mostly done (I think?), I'm really excited for how this one's turned out. Leverage in the style of Shakespeare, it's a delight. (Three scenes; one with Eliot and Parker set fairly early; one with the whole crew in the Exposition scene; and a soliloquy from Sterling which was actually the first thing I wrote XD)

I also haven't forgotten about Incinctus, especially since Nocturne finally has an actual Trailer. But I think I'm going to need to rewatch the show and get in the right headspace in order to actually update it (which I do want to do! I just. Got stuck on the next chapter that needs to come out, haha...)

fun fact: watching castlevania was actually how i ended up getting actively back into bsg fandom XD

...I think that pretty much covers it! Like I said at the top, Open Question Night, and I'd love to hear about what you guys are working on, too!

also this is a reminder to me to finish putting together the Story Details form/do a reminder post about the first GBB checkin coming soon...

[automatismoateo]

I need someone else to read this because I refuse to be the only one who suffers through it. This broke me. I don't understand how these people are real. via /r/atheism

I need someone else to read this because I refuse to be the only one who suffers through it. This broke me. I don't understand how these people are real.

So I got into a discussion with a theist on Tiktok (yes I know, terrible place for a discussion). It started off normally with them making claims they couldn't explain and me asking him for proof of any of his claims.

After a lengthy back and forth, he ended up telling me there was proof of what the Bible claimed, specifically of Noah's ark, of the parting of the red sea, and Jesus having been a real person. It was obvious to me that this was bullshit because he hesitated for another ten messages to send me anything, but to my delight I finally ended up convincing him to send me this so called "proof" through DMs (which was also great because talking through dms is much easier than through tiktok's shitty comments system).

This is the conversation that followed. (It's not necessary for you to read it all)

Now, I can deal with stupid. I can deal with uneducated. I can deal with outlandish claims. But this? This was above my paygrade. Even though it was instantly clear to me that this person had just picked the first three links off Google and called it a day, I THOUGHT, I was STUPID enough to think that maybe, just maybe, if I broke down everything he just sent me, if I tried my best to explain myself on why these were not reliable sources and how they're still no proof of what he's claiming, that MAYBE he would start to realize that he has no reason to have these beliefs, or at the very least that he would start questioning them.

And I was so wrong. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for his last message. This is what it said:

when you take a moment and think about it science can't even prove how the universe was created. let's dissect the evolution claim. evolution claims that 2 atoms came together to form the universe. that would mean that the universe created itself. meaning it had an awareness. and actually the big bang theory is taught in schools. i'm pretty sure you've heard of it. you are the one who is illiterate. science is a physical man made construct. it was our way of understanding the world we live in. and if you stop trying to downplay religion and combine science with religion you will have the answer. first: the big bang theory actually does suggest that let me quote the exact theory(A COLLISION between TWO BRANES could have jolted the universe from contraction to expansion). making that single point(their collision) the start of the universe. which makes my statement somewhat true.

second if jesus isn't proven to be real the why is there an entire era of his time (2023 A.D) A.D meaning after death which refers to the death of Christ. (Jesus Christ). well it wouldn't make sense to refer to the death of someone who doesn't exist now does it? you like to think that you're smart right? maybe you might think that doesn't make sense either. now i have to ask you this, if a person were to make a claim that there was a spaceship with an alien inside of it. and later on they find the spaceship, and it's clearly not from earth. doesn't that kinda prove that the persons claim was true? second: if big bang theory was just a theory then why is it taught in EVERY school in the united states? third: all religious beliefs are based upon faith. that's how religion works actually Imfaoo.you have to believe it's real before you can understand it.seems i'm not the one who's "scientifically illiterate". fourth: you didn't think about your argument very well. your entire point is that "there's no scientific proof that god or a divine being exists so it can't exist". there's no proof that the center of the earth is made of magma so that can't be true right? exactly, that stupid ass argument doesn't make any sense.

fifth: proof of gods existence is in us. the world is to perfectly designed for it to be a coincidence that it was created. the planet is at the perfect distance from the sun to sustain life. that Can't be a coincidence. plus if that's the case then why can't we prove that's what happened? science ALONE isn't the "best method" for determining the truth. if it was then why is religion still even relevant?

This message honestly broke me. I didn't think people like this could actually be real. I didn't even know how to even start explaining how fundamentally wrong his understanding of EVERYTHING was. I didn't think it was possible for someone to have such a fundamental lack of understanding in all areas of science. And that was real. That was a real message from a real person who genuinely believes what he is saying.

I told him he was beyond help and to never contact me again. And now I'm posting this here in the hopes that someone finds enjoyment in my suffering or suffers through it themselves.

Submitted March 10, 2023 at 12:04PM by FlyingUmbrellaThing (From Reddit https://ift.tt/01qBm7e)

[waywardnerd67]

XOXO, Me

Title: XOXO, Me Summary: Where reality meets fictions dreams can be made and nightmares will develop. Main Characters: Jensen Ackles, Anonymous Female Character, Reader Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader Rating: M - Mature Warnings: Angst/Fluff/Implied Smut/Implied Character Death/Stalking Elements/Stalker POV/Mentions of BPD-mental disorder Quote Prompt: “You’re changing the world, and I want to be a part of it.” (BOLD) Troupe Prompt: Childhood Friend Third Wheel Prompt: Stalker Word Count: 2979 A/N #1: @deanwanddamons​ 3K Follower Challenge A/N #2: This one is kind of dark for me. Please read the warnings before reading. 

He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. He was the beacon of light that guided wayward ships through the night. He loved with all his heart and fiercely protected those around him. He was everything I ever wanted in a man.

“Are you ready?”

The man across from me was wearing a cheap business suit. Her love would never be caught dead in a suit like that. He had class and taste.

“Where would you like me to begin?” I asked, looking down at my hands resting on the table.

Glancing up I watched him smile politely, “From the beginning of course.”

Five Years Earlier

“Are you sure this is okay?” I asked.

(Y/N) (Y/L/N) smiled widely, “For the final time, yes. I cleared it with Jensen yesterday.”

My stomach fluttered hearing his name. When (Y/N) found out my favorite actor was her childhood best friend, she immediately set up a time for me to meet him. We were on our way back to her apartment to make dinner for the three of us.

“Do… Do I look alright?” I pulled on my black tank beneath my favorite red flannel.

“You look great. Don’t be nervous. Jensen is a regular guy and I’m really hoping my two friends will become great friends on their own. Don’t think of him as a celebrity.”

I scoffed, “That’s easier said than done.”

(Y/N) pulled into her parking spot and turned towards her, “Everything will be fine. I have a good feeling about all of this.”

Present Day

(Y/N) was right. The evening was one of the best in my life. The three of us drank and laughed and ended up in a snuggle pile on the floor. Jensen was the perfect gentleman and I fell more in love with him.

“When did things change?”

My eyes snapped up to his, “About a year ago. I noticed (Y/N) and him were getting… closer.”

“That upset you?”

I nodded, not wanting to talk about it.

“Part of the deal is you tell me the truth. All of it.”

“I know.” I clenched my jaw, “Yes. He and I had an understanding then he started being with her more and more.”

I watched him jot down a few notes on his notepad, “Is that when you came up with your plan?”

I nodded again, looking towards the small window in the room. The sun was shining in spreading warmth over her skin.

One Year Earlier

I parked my car in its normal spot. I spotted (Y/N) walking in front of the floor to ceiling windows. She was wearing one of his shirts again. I looked closer to see it was my favorite shirt from Jensen's. As I thought of his name he appeared in front of the window. The golden rays from the sun kissed his tan skin.

When I was going to get out of my car, I watched Jensen pressed (Y/N) against the glass. His hands sliding down to her ass squeezing each cheek. His lips trailing down (Y/N)’s body until I could no longer see his face. Her back arched off the glass as his hands pulled down her panties.

My heart was cracking into a million pieces watching the two people I loved the most being intimate. (Y/N) never told me she had said yes to Jensen when he asked her out. She never asked me if I was with him or wanted to be with him. She should have known that I wanted to be with him. How many times had I told her how special he was to me. How he had saved me.

I continued to watch him bring her immense pleasure. The desire for me to be in her place pooling in the pit of my stomach. It was supposed to be me standing there. It was supposed to be me crying out his name. It was going to be me.

Present Day

A small tray of snacks and sodas were brought in. Talking about everything made my appetite disappear. I stared as the man took a long drink from his water bottle then popped a few grapes into his mouth.

“The night you went to Jensen’s home, what did you see happening?”

I smiled, biting my lower lip, “That Jensen would see I was the right woman for him. That he would be gentle and kind letting (Y/N) know he didn’t truly love her. That he was in love with me. That he had always been in love with me.”

“How did you know?” I arched an eyebrow as he continued, “That Jensen was in love with you?”

“He told me so. He was always telling me that he loved me. That he would always be there for me. Protect me. That is why he is the only man worthy of my love.”

I looked over the man’s shoulder to the mirror on the wall. Tilting my head to one side and waving at myself.

“He is here, isn’t he?” I asked.

The man’s face hardened, “That was part of the agreement.”

I smiled, “And, the second part of our agreement? Will it be upheld as well?”

“Yes, as long as you tell me everything. Truthfully.”

“Then continue with your questions. What else would you like to know?” I leaned back against my chair, my bracelets clinking together as I crossed my arms over my chest.

“There is only one part left to tell. What happened the night you went to Jensen’s?”

Two Days Earlier

The house was dark and quiet. My private entrance was open as always for me to come and go as I pleased. (Y/N) was visiting her family back in Dallas all week while Jensen was staying behind in Austin. I had talked to him a little earlier to let him know I was coming over. I took his no response to mean that it was fine. I made the all too familiar trip to his bedroom. As I approached his room, I could hear the echoes of skin smacking together. My blood began to boil.

Peeking inside the door, Jensen was thrusting feverishly into (Y/N). Her cries of pleasure filled my ears and my rage was bubbling to the surface.

“Ohh… god, Jensen… fuck.” (Y/N)’s nails dug into Jensen beautiful back, “Fuck, harder Jensen.”

Jensen buried his face into (Y/N)’s neck slamming into her until both of their bodies began to tremble. (Y/N) cried out his name as he lazily pushed into her a few more times. I touched the cold steel pressing into my back watching Jensen roll off of her best friend.

“I’m so glad you came home early, pretty girl. I missed you a lot.” Jensen pulled (Y/N) into his side kissing her forehead.

Present Day

“Pretty girl was my nickname. That is when I entered the room.”

He kept writing notes, “And what happened next?”

I pushed out a harsh breath, “I demanded to know what was going on. I wanted to know why he was fucking her behind my back when he had invited me over!”

“Calm down, please. I only want the truth of your side of what happened.”

I took in a deep breath letting it out slowly, “I’m sorry. It’s very upsetting to talk about the love of my life being with my best friend.”

He nodded, “I imagine that would be very upsetting. Do you need a moment or would you like to continue?”

“I want this over with so I can speak to him.”

He sat back pressing his pen to his notepad again, “Please finish your story.”

“Jensen and I argued. (Y/N) tried to get in between us and I defended myself with the knife I had in the back of my waistband. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially my best friend. I was just so angry and devastated. The two people I loved the most betrayed me and broke my heart.”

I wiped away the tears falling down my face as the man closed his notepad. He stood from his chair and a spark of hope ignited in my chest.

“I will send Jensen in a couple of minutes.” He walked out the door.

I looked in the mirror fixing a stray hair that was stinking up and tried to wipe away the bags from beneath my eyes. I ran my hands down the front of my white t-shirt hoping he would not notice the wrinkles on it. My eyes snapped up when I heard the door open. My heart was pounding in my chest as the comforting smell of woods and whiskey filled the air. Watching as the man of my dreams, the love of my life walked in.

My heart dropped seeing him holding (Y/N)’s hand as she walked in right behind him. Her left arm in a sling and bandages peeking out beneath her shirt sleeve.

“The agreement was to speak to Jensen alone.” I huffed as they sat across from me.

“I asked for (Y/N) to come with me. She deserves to be here more so than I do.”

I looked into the deep olive eyes of the man who still held my heart and soul. He was breathtakingly beautiful in a simple denim button down and his hair looked so soft brushing down against his forehead. I desperately wanted to reach out and run my fingers through it.

“We just want to know why? Why spend all this time getting to know me, befriend me and become someone I cared about so much? Was it all because I was friends with Jensen?”

I could see (Y/N)’s eyes welling up with tears. I truly felt bad for her. I didn’t mean to stab her in the shoulder. All I had wanted was her to back off of Jensen and everything could have gone back to the way it was.

“At first, it was to get close to Jensen. I had met him plenty of times at conventions but could never spend quality time with him.” I looked over at my beautiful man, “You were always so sweet and loving to me. Calling me pretty girl every time you see me. Flashing that beautiful smile that would light up my world.”

Jensen folded his arms across his broad chest, never looking directly at me. I turned my attention back to (Y/N).

“It was destiny that I ran into you at the Dallas convention. You and I hitting it off as quickly as we did. We were meant to be friends. Best friends, which was perfect since you were already Jensen’s childhood best friend. We could all be happy together. Jensen and I together finally and you as our best friend.”

Jensen scoffed, “That was never going to happen. What gave you the idea that I wanted to be with you in the first place?”

His harsh tone aggravated me, “You told me. The first night we met at (Y/N)’s apartment. She had fallen asleep on the couch while you and I were sitting on the floor sharing a bottle of whiskey.”

I could not help the smile spreading across my face at the memory playing in my head, “You pulled me into your side as we watched a horrible TV movie. You asked me why I was such a big fan of yours. I told you ‘You’re changing the world, and I want to be a part of it’. And what did you say to me?”

“I have no idea what I said five years ago.”

My heart broke in two with a final crack emitting from the center, “You told me I already was a part of you and always would be. That we would change the world forever together.”

Jensen stood up walking towards the door, “I can’t listen to any more of this.”

“Wait! Please, don’t go yet. I know what I did was wrong. I should have been honest from the beginning.” I looked over to (Y/N) silently pleading with her, “I’m sorry I hurt you. You know that right? I feel terrible about hurting you. Both of you.”

I looked back up at Jensen only for the small spark he always lit inside of me to be extinguished by the look on his face. Anger burned in his eyes before turning to pity as he held his hand out to (Y/N).

“Just a second.” She reached out, placing one hand over mine, “We’re going to make sure you get the best help possible. I believe deep down you have a good soul and I want you to flourish into the person you’re truly meant to be. I forgive you.”

Tears streamed down my face hearing (Y/N) say those words.

“I forgive you and if it’s alright I would like to come visit you from time to time.”

I nodded, “Yes, of course. Both of you, please visit me.”

Before (Y/N) walked out the door, I called out to her, “(Y/N), I forgive you too.”

A tight smile appeared on her face, “Thank you.”

***

As soon as (Y/N) was outside the in-patient behavioral unit she let out a long, shaky breath. She had not expected to be so emotional seeing her friend locked up. Jensen ran his hands carefully down her arms.

“You’re an amazing person, (Y/N) (Y/L/N). There is no way in hell I could have kept my composure like you did.”

“What did the doctor say?”

Jensen sighed, “He believes she has some form of Borderline Personality Disorder stemming from a traumatic childhood. From what he can gather, she probably watched a lot of TV to escape her home life and fixated on me from when I was on Days of Our Lives. At least, that’s what she had told him during their first session.”

(Y/N)’s heart broke for her, “I meant what I said, Jensen. I want her to have the best care and I want to come visit her.”

He lifted her chin in order for her eyes to meet his, “Once again, you are a truly amazing person. I will make sure she is taken care of. For now, we have an appointment with a caterer for a very important date coming up.”

“Yes we do, Mr. Ackles.” She smiled, twirling the ring on her left hand.

“Your chariot awaits, Future Mrs. Ackles.”

He held out his elbow for her and she looped her good arm through his. (Y/N) looked back at the double doors leading back into the behavioral unit. Her friend flashing before her eyes from when they first met and being replaced by the last image of her saying she forgave her. A silent vow that she would not give up on her.

Six Month Later

(Y/N) was lying out in the backyard waiting for Jensen to return from directing his Walker episode with Jared. Their friend and bodyguard, Clif, walked out holding an envelope.

“This was waiting for you at the gate.”

Her name was written on it with no postal markings. Dread pooled in the pit of her stomach. Before she could open the letter, her phone rang.

“Hi doctor, is everything okay with…”

“Mrs. Ackles, I regret to inform you that your friend has escaped the guarded unit. She managed to find a way out by befriending the overnight porter. He was found unconscious in her bed. The original detectives from your case are searching for her now. They will be in contact with you soon, but I want you to be prepared that she may come to your house.”

(Y/N)’s hand began to tremble and a phantom pain radiated from her shoulder, “Oh my god… um, thank you for calling me. I will call my husband right away and take all the necessary precautions.”

She ended the call and quickly went into the house. Clif was already on the phone with the detectives and (Y/N) tried calling Jensen’s phone getting his voicemail immediately.

“Jensen, she’s out. Clif is talking with detectives now. Handsome, please be careful. I love you.”

(Y/N) sat on the couch, clutching the envelope in her hand. She did not need to look at the letter to know who had left it. Her doctor had told (Y/N) weeks ago that she could no longer visit. She had read in a magazine about her and Jensen’s wedding.

Looking down at the letter, she opened it, taking out the single sheet of paper. She gasped reading it and her phone buzzed with a Facetime call from Jensen.

“Are you alright?” He asked, immediately upon seeing her face.

“No. I-I’m scared.”

His eyes widened, “I’m on my way home right now. Everything will be okay. The detectives have patrols coming to stay outside the house.”

“Hurry home, please. I love you so much, Jensen.”

“I love you too, pretty girl. I’ll be home soon.” Jensen ended the call.

She set her phone down beside her standing from her seat, “I know you’re here. You don’t have to hide.”

(Y/N) watched as she stepped out from the shadows of the room holding a gun out in front of her.

“As I said... Jensen. Will. Be. Mine.” She pulled the trigger and the shot rang in (Y/N)’s ears.

The letter floated down to the floor beside her as pain spread throughout her chest. Looking over, she read the simple sentence again, praying Jensen would get to her in time.

He will always be mine and I’m here to take my place. XOXO, Me.

The darkness crept over the edges of her vision until dragging her into the dark abyss.

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[gryffindorhealer]

There are some additional thoughts on this topic in my stream/reblogged or likes on mine. Thoughtful examinations of something I didn’t see in multiple readings of the books. Viewpoints, insights which are impacting my current re-read. And I am if a mind that these provide a deeper support for one of my Headcanons about the Deathly Hallows. And about the concept that Xenophilius Lovegood mentions, someone possessing all three becomes the Master of Death. It is all there in canon. Yet it isn’t very obvious, even in canon.

So since I’m reblogging @the-toughestest-hufflepuff I am first going to quote one part because it’s what firmed up my HC:

“Death greeted Harry like an old friend, and gave him a choice, granted him a chance to live life how he would like to, and blanket his friends with the same love protection his mother gave him.”

We also learn in canon, Harry’s ancestor that acquired the Cloak used it to hide from Death until they lived a full life and felt ready to greet Death as a friend. This is a key point.

They didn’t try to be stronger and more badass than anyone else. They didn’t need to bring back anyone they lived that already completed this part of their Journey. They simply wanted to be allowed to complete their Journey, on their terms.

This is a very strong character point.

So, reading the books and trying to work with the Master of Death concept, I came to this. (I will stipulate, it is built on a foundation of other studies of philosophy, Zen in particular.)

Death is inevitable. We are born. We live, we die.

As a Registered Nurse, I’ve witnessed death many times, and I came to the conclusion (perhaps surprising) that doctors and nurses don’t save anyone’s life. We do our best to point them on the path of continuing to live; but when it is one’s time, Death is there. There is no “victory” to be won.

And just as the hiding place for the Philosopher’s Stone was set that only someone who wanted to protect (but not use) the Philosopher’s Stone could find it, only someone who wants to protect the Deathly Hallows can become a Master of Death. Because they accept their mortality, they respect Death and death’s purpose. And so they do indeed become friends with Death.

Death recognizes this in Harry. Yes, he wants to use the Cloak (which he is in direct line connection with the original recipient) to meet life on his terms. He doesn’t want (or need) the Wand, it is “more trouble” than it’s worth. But he does want to protect the Wand. He uses the Stone once, yes to make it easier to go to his own death. Even within the context of the story, he ain’t summoning his Dearly Departed because he misses them, but because he intends to join them. (That their representations may be incarnation/images of Death is unimportant to Harry.)

In fact, he then “hides” the Stone in one of the best manners possible, thereby protecting that Hallow as well.

Death recognizes this, Harry only wants to use the one Hallow he has any particular claim on. He has figured out that the logic of the Wand is such that he could control it, he doesn’t want it. He also figures out the Stone to the extent that he simply asks for company in his final steps, on his final journey.

Harry is worthy to be a Master if Death. And Death honors this status.

That Harry’s vision of Dumbledore in Kings Cross could be another incarnation of Death is possible. That could also be Dumbledore himself; Death knows they don’t need to hide themself from Harry.

And the rest is what we all read (and be damned to Movie Harry and the scriptwriter who will not be named that wrote that scene near the end of the film breaking the Wand. That’s fab fiction).

Did J.K. really try to convince us that James “Take Harry and run while I fend off the baddest Dark wizard ever without even my wand” Potter and Lily “I will literally sacrifice my life for my son��� Evans and Sirius “I broke out of prison to hunt the douchebag who betrayed your parents because I was scared he would try to hurt you and btw let me come out of hiding to fight in the fucking MINISTRY which is actively trying to find me because my God damned godson is in danger don’t tell me what to do” Black and Remus “I’m actively tryna keep your ass alive so Imma stop you from yeeting yourself through a veil of death and also I named you godfather of my newborn son” Lupin were just, like, OKAY with Harry basically committing suicide by Voldemort???

[ameliora-j]

happier than ever // hp x reader

words: 1.7k

warnings: breakup, talk of the war, angsty asf, i think that’s all but as always lmk loves! :)

a/n: based on happier than ever by billie eilish,, italics are flashback/song lyrics

a/n ii: i do NOT like nor do i promote billie eilish in any way at all. but the song is trending on tiktok and i thought it’d be a good fic idea

it was the biggest argument the two of you had ever had. the one that resulted in the end of your relationship. you regretted every single second of it. you knew that he was trying. that he just wanted to help. he was trying to make a better world for himself. for everyone. for you. for both of you. so you could have the future you always talked about.

but lately he wasn’t around. he had a lot of responsibilities, you understood that. but you were his girlfriend. and lately he wasn’t being much of a boyfriend. you tried to push it away when he called rain checks on your dates. or when he was late because it “slipped his mind.” or when, sometimes… he didn’t even show at all.

it was your final straw when he showed up three hours late for your anniversary dinner. it wasn’t even your true anniversary… that was two weeks ago. but he had missed that because he was at hagrid’s hut with ron and hermione. you pushed it off with a shrug and a small smile. no more than a “it’s okay harry, i promise. i know you have a lot on your plate right now,” as you kissed his cheek and retreated to your dorm for the night.

but that night… that night you just had so much pent up anger. you were sick of it, truthfully. and you flipped out. “why’re you so dressed up, love?” the question would usually have made your heart sink. but by now you were used to it. now you just scoffed. you were numb to the hurt of him forgetting.

“had an anniversary dinner with my boyfriend. but it seems like he forgot… again,” you spoke plainly.

“darling i’m so sorry you have to believe me,” he implored.

“it’s fine harry. really,” you shrugged as you blinked back your angry tears.

“we can… we can reschedule. tomorrow i promise,” he bit his lip hopefully.

“no. it’s fine,” you shrugged.

“okay. if tomorrow doesn’t work, we can try next week maybe?” he tried again. you shook your head again. “okay well if not next week then i’m not sure. i’ve got army meetings and ron, mione, and i have plans with hagrid. plus we’ve got the end of years coming up so i have to study. when do you want to reschedule for?”

“i don’t harry,” you answered, finally letting the dam break. two tears fell slowly down your cheeks. “i don’t want to reschedule. or try a different day because there won’t be one. it’ll just be the same thing all over again. you’ll be late. if you even care to remember that we have a date at all,” you spat bitterly.

“yn, i’m trying,” harry quickly became defensive at the venom spitting from your tongue. “i’m doing my best really, can’t you see that? i’m trying to save the world here, you’re not making it easy by being so clingy,” he spat ruthlessly.

“then let me make it easier on you, harry. you never have to worry about me again,” you offered a sad smile as you turned and began to walk away.

“you’re breaking up with me?” the sea-eyed boy was dumbfounded.

“yeah. i’m making saving the world easier on you. you won’t have to worry about a clingy girlfriend anymore. go do what you need to do and save the world harry,” you told him. “too bad you couldn’t save your relationship as well,” you sniffled as you retreated to your dorm.

it hurt you to leave harry. but you both needed it. two years of dating and an even longer relationship… and it just all went to shit. it exploded right before your eyes.

you spent the following weeks buried under your covers. sobbing your little heart out, when you weren’t in class. you knew what would come of breaking up with hogwarts’ golden boy and the savior of the world. the dirty looks. the whispers. however, what you didn’t expect… was for the whole wizarding world to hear about it.

what you didn’t expect was for the front page of the daily prophet to read in big, bold lettering: “THE BOY WHO LIVED: HEARTBROKEN.” you read through the article by rita skeeter and you were fuming. she had called you “cold” and “heartless.” and much, much nastier words that you couldn’t even repeat, all of which were completely untrue.

harry had made you out to be the bad guy, of course. the golden boy could never do anything wrong. you scoffed as you picked up the paper and stormed your way to the great hall. all conversation at the gryffindor had died down as their eyes locked on you, storming over to harry. “you LIAR!” you screamed as you roughly shoved his chest, throwing the paper down in front of him.

he raised an eyebrow as he looked down at the article. “i see no lies here,” he shrugged, causing ron, ginny, and hermione to stifle a laugh. you rolled your eyes at this. “you’re nothing but a cold. heartless. bitch,” he spat ruthlessly.

“as if! harry that’s you! you’re cold and you’re heartless! you don’t care about anyone but yourself, oh chosen one,” you spit right back.

“cold and heartless when i’m saving the world?” he raised an eyebrow as he scoffed.

“please cut your little bullshit ‘i the chosen one am saving the world’ ploy. it’s nothing but bullshit! neville could save the world just as well as you can,” you shook your head. “you’re nothing without your title harry. absolutely nothing,” you growled. you saw red. nothing but red. you were positively pissed. anger was the only thought processing in your brain. “you’re an entitled brat harry. who never sees himself in the wrong even when you break hearts.”

“then i guess we’re one in the same, aren’t we, yn?” he snarked.

“oh please. you wish harry. i don’t relate to you. i could never relate to you. cus i would’ve never treated me as shitty as you did,” you shook your head as you spoke. crossing your arms defensively as you prepared to tell the chosen one all about himself.

“i treated you so shitty and yet, i still work my ass off to continue to save your life along with everyone else on the planet. right,” he scoffed.

“cut your bullshit harry. stop with the savior of the world shit. you scared me half to death with all of the dangerous shit you did. you stick your neck out and swim oceans for people who wouldn’t even step over a fucking puddle for you! you think these people care about you? they don’t! you’re a pawn in their little war. that’s all you’ll ever be!” you scoffed again. “i don’t even know why i’m wasting my breath. you only ever listen to your fucking ‘friends’ anyway,” you put air quotes around the word as you forced yourself to keep your tears at bay.

“so what if i’m a pawn! i’m helping! you’ve had everything handed to you on a silver fucking platter you’re entire life! you’d never know what this life feels like!” he shouted back.

“that’s your problem harry! you never see anyone’s problems but your own! you weren’t even aware of the fact that you made me miserable! for weeks you made me miserable. i couldn’t even tell if i still had a boyfriend or not!” you harshly rubbed your nose on the sleeve of your robe. “i wish it wasn’t true, but now that i’m away from you, i’m somehow happier. at least i know you don’t love me anymore instead of having to wonder every night,” you shook your head.

“we’re done yn! you made that very clear when you left me after forgetting one date! why do you care so much!” he yelled.

“because it wasn’t one date harry it was multiple! hogwarts was my home harry! and you made me hate this school!” you shouted.

“so what?! we’re over yn, i’m moving on and handling it in my own way! you should too!” his face was red and the vein in his neck was protruding. all eyes in the great hall—including those of the professors’—were on the two of you.

“no! cus i don’t talk shit about you all over the daily prophet or in school for that matter! i’ve never said anything bad about you!” you yelled at him.

“well why not? apparently you have every right to since i was such a horrible boyfriend for trying to make a better world for the two of us to have a future in,” he scoffed.

you rolled your eyes and decided upon not wasting your breath at his use of that defense yet again. “cause that shit’s embarrassing harry! you were my everything and all you ever did was make me fucking sad!” you rubbed at your nose again, nearly positive that the tip of it was now rubbed raw.

“i’m sorry that you feel like i was so terrible to you. i’m sorry that i couldn’t save our relationship like i saved the world like you said,” he shook his head.

“oh don’t try to make me feel bad harry! i have a whole laundry list of good and bad things about you. but at some point the good stopped outweighing the bad,” by now the inevitable had happened and tears had begun to spill slowly over your lash line.

“really? cus it sounds like you have nothing but bad things to say,” he snarked with a small scoff.

“i mean i could list all the times you showed up on time, but it’d be empty because you never did. you ruined everything good in my life, harry. and you always say you’re so misunderstood but you’re not! you’re just a heartless, selfish, asshole!” you shoved his chest roughly. “just fucking leave me alone! and keep my name out of your mouth,” you rolled your waterlogged eyes as you walked away.

once you were in the safety of your dorm, you let it all out. you slid slowly down the closed door and pulled your knees to your chest, releasing all the sobs you held in during your screaming match. your heart broke for the second time in less than a month. you choked over sobs as your stomach twisted in pained knots, matching the feeling of your heart thumping behind your ribcage.

your everything was gone. but somehow… you were happier than ever without him.

[blackspoon99]

The Sign of Three Pt. 3

Sherlock x Female! Reader

TW: Drinking, Language, Potential Emetophobia (If you’ve seen this episode, you know), Spoilers to Season 3

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Part 5

“Of course, there’s hours of material here, but I’ve cut it down to the really good bits.”

Oh god, the stag night. You almost laughed just thinking about it. It was unbelievable that Sherlock was willingly telling this story to an audience. You were fortunate enough to witness some of the events of the night firsthand.

The story began the morning of in Baker Street, 11 am:

It was a Saturday morning, and you were over having tea with Sherlock. For the two of you, “having tea” consisted of you both reading in complete silence while you happened to be drinking tea. It was a common occurrence, and for you, it was a treasured tradition. You were curled up in John’s chair opposite Sherlock. Today, you were reading Emma by Jane Austen. You peeked over at Sherlock to see what he was reading. Sherlock was reading a book titled “Atlas of Forensic Pathology”. Riveting. The book looked so heavy; it would probably go straight through the floor if he dropped it.

You returned to your book. This was probably your third time reading the Jane Austen classic. You were inexplicably drawn to the plot, the message, the love story, all of it. You finally were at your favorite part. When Mr. Knightly said to Emma, “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” You looked at Sherlock over the pages of your book. You couldn’t help but consider the relevance of the quote in your own life.

When you first came to terms with the fact that you were in love with Sherlock, the feeling had burned through you. You couldn’t focus and constantly fought the urge to tell him. Possibly because of the several near-death experiences you'd had. After you made up with Sherlock at the engagement party, the feeling persisted but it was almost duller, easier to live with. You’d slowly regained security in Sherlock’s role in your life and you no longer constantly worried he’d leave again. You returned to your version of mundane and your unrequited feelings for Sherlock became the new normal. It had become more of a consistent ache than a burn.

Sherlock interrupted your thoughts: “Shouldn’t it be relatively easy to find a new book to read if you work in a bookstore?”

“True, but I like this one,” you said without looking up from your book.

“Why? What do you gain from reading a convoluted story of questionable morals that provides no useful information?”

You finally put your book down. “Because, I like to read for fun. Maybe you should try it sometime.”

Sherlock smiled and scoffed at you then returned to his book.

You shook your head and downed the rest of your tea. “Okay, I’ve got to go to work.” You got up and took your mug to the kitchen. On your way back to gather your things, you noticed an open file on the kitchen table that looked like a John Watson scrapbook. You pulled the first paper off the stack to see a cutout of John’s head pasted onto the Vitruvian Man. “Sherlock?” you called over your shoulder, “What’s this file for?”

“What file?” He asked.

You picked up the file and carried it back to the living room. You returned to your seat and started thumbing through it.

“Oh. That’s for the stag night,” said Sherlock.

“Stag night? I didn’t think you would want to do that sort of thing”

“Why not?” He swiftly closed his book. If you didn’t know better, you’d take the action as a sign of offense.

“Uh, no reason,” you said hastily. The file was full of peer-reviewed studies on alcohol consumption, detailed chemistry notes, and copies of John’s medical records. The last page was a detailed schedule of where they were going and how much they were going to drink every hour. “This is awfully thorough.”

“I needed to ensure the maximum amount of enjoyment for the both of us for the duration of the night.”

“How considerate of you.” You put the file down and leaned forward. “So, what do you have planned?”

“John and I will be drinking at a pub on every street we ever found a corpse.”

“That is oddly perfect for the both of you.”

“I thought so,” Sherlock said with a grin.

You looked at the time. If you didn’t leave now, you’d be late. “Well, I’m off. See you later, Sherlock.”

“Yes, yes, goodbye,” he mumbled and returned to reading. You left the file on the table, gathered your belongings, and left for your shift. 

---------------------------------

Later that evening:

You closed the bookshop at 8 pm and headed to the tube station. As you made your way through the crowded streets, you heard your phone ringing. You dug through your bag to find it as you walked. You saw Sherlock’s name on the caller ID and answered it. Your ears were immediately assaulted by electronic dance music.

You heard Sherlock’s voice first “Shut up John, I’m calling her.” He shouted over the music

“Who?” you then recognized John’s voice.

“Her John, I’m calling her!”

You struggled to hear the call over the booming music “Hello?? Sherlock? Why are you calling me?”

“Oh! It’s y/n! Hello!” John shouted into the phone. You winced at the volume.

“John? Where are you? Are you drunk?”

“Stag night! Sherlock tried to measure my piss. Then he got into a fight.”

“Give me that back” Sherlock’s voice “Y/n meet us back at Baker Street. It’s an ‘mergency”

“What did you say? Sherlock? It’s really hard to hear,”

“Baker Street. Now!” He shouted then hung up.

For a moment, you stood in the street, dumbfounded. It was only 8 pm and both Sherlock and John were piss drunk at some club. You couldn’t even begin to process the rest of the information. So much for Sherlock’s plan, although it did seem like they had “maximized their enjoyment”. You weren’t about to miss this.

——————————

You arrived at Baker Street by 8:30 pm. You opened the door to find Sherlock and John laying across the bottom of the stairs. “Hello boys, I’m here.” You announced.

At the sound of your voice, Sherlock and John scrambled to sit upright. Sherlock fell down a step in the process. You tried your best to suppress your laughter. “So, I’m here. What’s the emergency, Sherlock?”

“Right, you,” He said, raising his arm to point at you. “Upstairs.”

You watched Sherlock and John slowly stand up. John lifted one foot to climb the stairs, then stumbled backward.

“Do you need help, John?” You asked.

“Nah,” he said, “‘s alright, I’m fine. I can do it myself.”  

You slowly helped Sherlock and John up and into the flat. Sherlock tried to take off his coat, but his arms got stuck behind him. You giggled and gently pulled his coat off him and hung it on the coat rack. You lead Sherlock over to his chair and he flopped down into it.

You went into the kitchen to get some water for him and John. You figured they’d need it. You searched the cabinets, but there wasn’t a clean glass in sight. You resorted to the clean beakers on the countertops instead. You poured two 250mL beakers most of the way with water and walked them back into the living room. When you returned, Sherlock was sitting in his chair. He was drinking from a glass of scotch.

“Sherlock,” you groaned. “Where did you get that?” You attempted to reach for the glass, but he pulled his hand away, spilling it all over himself.

“It’s okay, this is fine,” he said, staring at his scotch-soaked shirt. “Oh,” he started. “I almost forgot,” Sherlock leaned over the side of his chair to grab something off the floor “You left this,” Sherlock said and handed you your copy of Emma. You hadn’t even realized it was gone.

“That was the emergency?”

“I still don’t understand how you could read this 3 times,” Sherlock slurred. “It’s so- what’s the word? Incorrect? ‘There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart.’ What an absurd thing to say” He contorted his face into an expression of disgust and took a sip of scotch from the glass in his hand.

“You read it? Today?” The fact that Sherlock had gone out of his way to read your favorite book made you unnaturally happy. You knew not to read into the things with Sherlock, but sometimes you couldn’t help yourself.

“You left it behind and I was so bored. Besides, I had to understand why you liked it so much. I still don’t know.”

You leaned over and snatched the glass of scotch from him. “I don’t think that’s the best idea, do you?” You handed him the beaker of water.

“Thank you,” he said with a goofy grin. In all the years you’d known Sherlock, you had never seen him like this. It was odd to say the least yet decidedly hilarious.

“Where’s John?”

Sherlock didn’t answer but pointed in the general direction of the bathroom. You decided to take the seat opposite Sherlock. As you sat down, Sherlock put his water on the floor. He then leaned forward and put his head in his hands, staring at you.

“What are you doing, Sherlock?” you asked.

“You,” he said, pointing at your face “are so hard to figure out sometimes, you know that?”

“Me?”

“It’s soooooo annoying. I can tell what almost everyone is thinking all the time, but not always you.”

“You think I’m hard to read?”

“Yes, you. Y/n L/n.” He waved his hands around while he slightly slurred his words.

“Okay then, how about this: I tell you what I’m thinking right now, and you do the same. Then, for one moment, we can understand each other completely.”

Sherlock furrowed his brow “You first.”

“I’m thinking… that I’m glad you called me.” Sherlock smiled and nodded. You giggled, “Now it’s your turn, and don’t lie to me. What are you thinking in this moment?”

Sherlock paused. “I’m thinking that my shirt’s all wet,” he said with a slight frown.

“That’s your own fault,” you said, putting one hand over your mouth to contain your laughter.

John re-entered the room holding post-it notes and a sharpie. “I’ve just had the best idea,” he said with a sloppy grin.

-----------------------------

The three of you all had post-its stuck to your foreheads, each with names written down. John sat in the client’s seat with the name MADONNA scribbled on the piece of paper stuck to his forehead. Sherlock, much to your enjoyment, had SHERLOCK HOLMES sloppily written on his forehead. As per the game, you had no idea what was written on yours. Sherlock was lounging back in his chair, resting his head on his hand.

“Am I a vegetable?” asked John

“You? Or the thing?” Sherlock asked smiling. The two of them snickered.

“Funny!” said John.

Sherlock looked down and smiled. “Thank you,” he choked out.

“To answer your question, John, no,” you said.

“Your go, Sherlock,” said John.

“Erm…. am I human?” he asked, turning to you.

“Sometimes,” you said with a smirk.

“No, no, it can’t be sometimes, can’t have that…”

“Fine. Yes, you’re human” you confirmed. “My turn. Am I a man?”

“Yeeep” answered John. “Sherlock, you again,” John said, forgetting it was his turn.

“Am I a man?”

John nodded. Sherlock kept going. “Am I a tall man?”

John looked at you and started laughing before he even spoke “Mm, not as tall as people think.” John’s head flopped to the side as he let out a hiccup

“Nice?”

“Ishh,” John said skeptically.

“Clever?”

“I’d say so,” you interjected.

“Do people…” he made air quotes as he spoke the word ‘people’ “... like me?”

“Not really,” you said, chuckling “You tend to rub them the wrong way.” If you had to babysit your adult drunk friends, you might as well have some fun.

“Hm,” Sherlock nodded intently. “Am I the current King of England?”

You and John immediately burst into laughter. “Good guess, Sherlock. But you do know England doesn’t have a king?” 

“Don’t we?”

“No,” John said. “Y/n, you go now”

“Right, okay. Am I a friend of ours?”

“Ehh, yes?” Sherlock said.

“Yes, yes they are Sherlock,” said John “Jesus.”

“Well, that narrows it down significantly. Am I Greg?”

“Who’s Greg?” Sherlock asked.

You rolled your eyes and took the post-it off your forehead. The name “Gavin” was written on it in Sherlock’s handwriting. Of course.

“Hey!” Sherlock yelled, “Cheater, that’s cheating. John, did you see that? Y/n’s cheating.” Sherlock got up and took the post-it from your hand. He leaned forward and stuck it back on your forehead. “There. Now it’s John’s turn.”

“Am I a woman?” asked John. He slumped in his seat. Sherlock immediately started giggling. “What?” John asked.

“Yes,” confirmed Sherlock

“Am I a pretty woman?”

“Er, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences, and role models.”

“But am I pretty?” John asked again.

“Yeah, Sherlock? Is John a pretty woman?”

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who you’re supposed to be.”

“What?! You picked the name,” John said.

“Ah, but I picked it at random from the papers,” Sherlock said, flailing his arm over to the stack of newspapers in the corner.

“I don’t think you understand the point of this game, Sherlock,” you added.

“So, I am human, I’m not as tall as people think I am ... I’m-I’m nice-ish ... clever, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way.”

“That’s correct,” said John.

“I’m you, aren’t I?” Sherlock asked, pointing to John.

“Ooh-ooh!” Mrs. Hudson chirped as she knocked on the door. “Client!” Behind Mrs. Hudson was a woman wearing a nurse’s outfit with a cardigan over it. You scrambled to take the post-it off your forehead as you stood up.

“Hello, I’m sorry, but this really isn’t a good time—”

Sherlock immediately stood up and interrupted you. “It’s not a bad time, no, no Y/n. We always help a person in need.”

“Do we?” you said with a forced smile and looked over at John for help. John just stared back blankly at you with a goofy drunken smile.

The woman beamed “Thank you,” she said. “Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes?”

John imitated a slide whistle, and pointed to Sherlock’s post-it on his forehead. Sherlock flashed a wide toothy grin. You put your head in your hands in defeat.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A few moments later, you’d made the woman, Tessa, some tea, and you John and Sherlock were sitting on the couch. Sherlock was sat in between you and John. Tessa sat in a chair opposite the three of you.

“I don’t ... a lot ... I mean, I don’t ... date all that much ... and ... he seemed ... nice, you know?”

You looked over at Sherlock and John hoping they could keep it together. John was blinking slowly and heavily while trying to stay awake. Sherlock was listening to Tessa’s story intently.

She continued. “We seemed to automatically connect. We had one night – dinner, such interesting conversation. It was ... lovely. To be honest, I’d love to have gone further ...”

Beside you, Sherlock closed his eyes and began to lean into your shoulder, dozing off. You subtly elbowed him, and he straightened up abruptly.

“But I thought, no, this is special. Let’s take it slowly, exchange numbers. He said he’d get in touch and then ... Maybe he wasn’t quite as keen as I was ...”

You looked over at John who was practically asleep with his eyes open. He had a blank stare and his mouth hung slightly open.

“But I – I just thought ... at least he’d call to say that we were finished,” Tessa concluded, tearing up slightly and looking at the floor. Immediately, Sherlock’s face contorted into an expression of sympathy as he dramatically brought his hand to his mouth. You stared in disbelief and handed Tessa a tissue. “Thank you,” she said to you. “I went round there, to his flat. No trace of him. Mr. Holmes…”

Sherlock leaned forward and rested his head on his hands.

“I honestly think I had dinner ... with a ghost.”

You and Tessa waited to hear what Sherlock had to say. You leaned forward to look at Sherlock and John’s faces only to discover they had both fallen asleep.

“With a ghost, Mr. Holmes!” Tessa repeated, louder.

You sharply elbowed Sherlock in the ribs much harder than before, and he sprung awake. “Boring, boring, boring,” he mumbled, then turned to you and put his hands on either side of your head. “No! fascinating!” He exclaimed, his face right up close to yours. Sherlock then turned to John “John – John! Wake up!” John finally stirred awake.

“I’m up,” he mumbled.

“Apologies about my ... you know ... thing,” Sherlock said, pointing at John. “Rude. Rude!” he yelled straight into your ear. You grimaced at the loud noise and put your hand on Sherlock’s forearm to settle him.

“Yes, that’s enough, Sherlock,” you whispered. “Uhm, go on, Tessa.”

“I checked with the landlord, and the man who lived there died. Heart attack. And there we are, having dinner one week on.” She turned and began to rummage through her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper and handed it to Sherlock. You grabbed it before he could take it. It was a print-out of an online chatroom. “And I found this thing online, sort of chatroom thing for girls who think they’re dating men from the spirit world.”

You nodded. This actually seemed like a decent case. Too bad Sherlock and John probably wouldn’t remember one word of it tomorrow. Sherlock tried to stand up next to you, wobbled, and then put one hand on the top of your head to steady himself. You groaned and struggled to untangle his hand from your hair.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find him in ten minutes,” Sherlock said confidently. Tessa smiled in relief. “What’s your dog’s name?”

You facepalmed and stood up next to Sherlock. He leaned over to wake up John. “John! Wake up! We’re meant to ... The game’s ... something” he said, waving his hand around.

“On!” yelled John.

“Yes, that,” Sherlock said, walking out the door. “Come on, Y/n.”

“Wait, Sherlock. Where are you going?” You protested, following him down the stairs.

“That’s a good question. Where are we going?” he asked Tessa in the foyer.

“Oh! Well, I suppose we ought to go to his flat,” Tessa said.

“Sherlock, no,” you said, “You can’t leave...” you looked off the the side awkwardly “…like this.” He ignored you and dragged John out to the sidewalk by his sweater sleeve. He stepped out into the street and hailed down a cab.

“40a, Jasmine Grove,” interjected Tessa as the cab pulled up.

“Are you coming Y/n?” Sherlock slurred.

“No!” you yelled. “And neither are you.” Before you could reach him, Sherlock climbed into the cab after John and Tessa and slammed the cab door in your face. The car drove off. 

“Come on, really?!” you yelled in frustration. Now you had to follow them. You ran to the edge of the sidewalk and decided to call a cab for yourself.

--------------------------------------------------------

You finally made it to the apartment to see Tessa and a man you presumed to be the landlord standing by the door. It was a rather modern apartment with exposed brick and abstract furniture. John was standing in the corner with his hands crossed over his chest and his lips pursed. He was swaying slightly, trying to keep his balance. You pushed past the landlord to see Sherlock kneeling on a shag carpet holding his pocket magnifier. As soon as you walked in, he face-planted into the carpet and passed out.

“He’s clueing for looks” John announced, proudly.

“Oh god,” you said, scrambling over to Sherlock. You grabbed his upper arm and tried to pull him up. God, he was heavy. 

“That’s it, I’m calling the police.” The landlord pulled out his cell phone.

“No, no, please, that won’t be necessary,” you protested.

“This is a famous detective. It’s Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson,” Tessa clarified.

You finally managed to get Sherlock to straighten up. “When did you get here?” Sherlock asked, looking up at you. Then, he bent over and immediately threw up on the carpet.

“Ugh why?” you groaned and plugged your nose. Sherlock wiped his mouth on his sleeve and then clicked his magnifier shut.

------------------------------------------------------

The next morning…

The landlord had called the police and the night ended with you watching Sherlock and John being driven away in the back of a police car. You’d immediately called Greg hoping he’d let them go. Greg had said the best he could do was try and let them off with a warning if they spent the night in the drunk tank. When the station opened, Greg sent you a photo of Sherlock and John asleep in a cell with the caption “Come and get ‘em!”

You walked into Scotland Yard and Greg was there to meet you. “Thank you, Greg,” you said, handing him one of the 4 coffees you’d brought.

“God, what on earth happened to them?” Greg asked, taking a sip from the coffee you gave him.

“Stag night got a bit out of hand,” you said. “Afraid I lost control of the situation.”  

“You can say that again,” agreed Greg as the two of you walked through the station to the drunk tank.

“Rise and Shine!” Greg bellowed as he swung open the door. John was awake and sitting on the floor. He had his hands on his head while Sherlock was still fast asleep on the bench.

“Oh my god,” John said, grimacing in pain. “Is that Greg?”

“Get up,” he said “Y/n’s come to collect you. Managed to square things with the desk sergeant.” John painfully and slowly got up. “What a couple of lightweights! Y/n said you couldn’t even make it to closing time!”

“Yeah, could you whisper?” John asked.

“NOT REALLY!” Greg shouted straight into his ear. Across the cell, Sherlock jolted awake, mouth wide open in shock. He tried to stand up, then fell backward back onto the bench. You walked over and helped him up.

“There you go, Sherlock. Nice and easy,” you said quietly and handed him one of the coffees. He took it and stumbled out of the cell, head down. He looked like hell, not to mention the way he smelled. You caught up to John and handed him one of the remaining coffees, leaving the last for yourself. You took a sip of your coffee and continued down the hall. 

“Well, thanks for a ... you know ... an evening,” John said to Sherlock.

“Oh, it was awful,” Sherlock said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I was gonna pretend, but it was, truly,” said John. He then turned to you. “Y/n, I am so sorry, that was—”

“It’s okay, I had fun,” you said with a smile.

“At least someone did,” said Sherlock. “That woman, Tessa, dated a ghost. The most interesting case for months. What a wasted opportunity.”

“Really? That’s your takeaway from this?” you asked. He shrugged. “Come on, boys, let’s get you home.” 

A/N: Stag night! I love this part of the episode, so I hope I did it justice. Funny story. When I was writing this, I was trying to find real book titles for Sherlock to read and I came across a real book titled “Surrounded by Idiots” I wanted to use it in the story SO BAD but it was so perfect, that it sounded cheesy and made up lmao. I’m 100% certain Sherlock would have it in his bookcase though. 

Taglist: @the-chaotic-cow @amoeebaa @scorpios-echos @sad-bitch-h0ur @drifting-away-in-space @that-thing-in-the-graveyard 

[sevsnapeposts]

Snapetober Day 11: Old friends.

finally one on time after two days lmao. cheers everyone, for the longest chapter so far. as a side note, i HC that Lucius is bisexual, whilst Severus is demisexual. ah yes, warning: explicit content. it's not /that/ bad but it's still for +18. up in ao3. please enjoy.

Day 11 - Old friends.

--

There are all kinds of friends, so different and varied that it’s a difficult task to classify them, but Severus could try: There were the ‘friends’, with many quotes, that he had made among the Death Eaters, those who only sought him out for favours and errands; also the colleagues who eventually became some sort of friends, like the ones he had at Hogwarts, with whom he could chat about superficial and scholarly matters, gossip and so on; another thing was friends who became somewhat of a parental figure, like Minerva, who cared about him and didn’t hesitate to pester him about any of his bad habits.

And after all those major categories, occupying a unique and special place, was Lucius Malfoy.

He wasn't too sure about what to call Lucius’ category, though. What do you call someone who is your friend, but was also your protector, your tutor, in a way your superior, and also your lover?

Severus remembered each instance perfectly. He often wondered why the handsome and wealthy prefect that Lucius was when he arrived at Hogwarts had decided to take him under his wing when he was nothing more than a filthy mudblood —words from his peers, carefully spoken outside of Lucius' hearing range, of course. He once asked him, but Lucius only gave vague answers, from ‘cause I wanted to’ to ‘you were less bad’. The most realistic thing he could ever get out of him was that Lucius saw potential in him.

During the three years that Lucius studied with him, he showed him many things besides what it was like to be the protégé of a rich boy. He confessed secrets to him and taught him forbidden things, from Dark Arts books to what it was like to smoke a cigarette. Lucius always carried with him the best brands, which left a minty or sometimes fruity flavour. Severus always smiled a little when he thought of the first time he inhaled the cigarette smoke and nearly choked, Lucius' laugh natural and free from malice, genuinely amused by his inexperience.

"Try inhaling less, see if it's easier to hold it in”, he had said, showing him how to do it, his thin lips forming a fox smile when, on the second try, Severus was able to expel the smoke through his nose instead of suffocating.

Of course, offering cigarettes to a 13-year-old was reprehensible, but Severus didn't care. At least it was a vice that would only hurt him, compared to the one his father had, for example. The habit had stuck with him for the rest of his life, and while he couldn't get hold of those expensive cigarettes, he had learned to appreciate the simplicity of those that had no flavours.

When Lucius graduated, Severus felt awful. One would believe that it was because he would no longer have someone to defend him from everyone, which was a true point, but not the main one. Severus truly liked Lucius, and he was going to miss him oh so much, more than he would like to admit. Basically every afternoon was spent together, unless Lucius had too much homework or was out there to hook up with someone.

And speaking of hooking up, Severus would never forget the intimate moments he shared with the blond.

The first time they had kissed, for example. Severus was 15, Lucius 21, and they had run into Hogsmeade ‘by chance’. It happens that Lucius knew when the excursions would take place and in almost all of them he went through the trouble to go to the town to see him, spend the day together, many times lying in some remote corner of the world, doped to infinity and beyond. It was in one of those times when, without quite knowing why, he and Lucius exchanged glances and a second later, out of nowhere, they were kissing. Severus had never kissed anyone before, but Lucius of course had, so he was the one who showed him how to do it, how to move his lips with his, how to tangle their tongues perfectly. Lucius would confess to him a few days later, in a letter, that he might have not been as drugged as he had led him to believe, but that he simply couldn't think of another way to show his… interest in him.

Severus would have been angry had it not been for the ghost of his lips, thin and firm, pressing against his, biting gently, still felt on his.

It would take almost a year for them to take a significant step in their private relationships. After things went to hell with Lily, Severus became too depressed, resorting more intensely to his bad habits but too terrified to be intimate with Lucius. By then he didn’t hide his intentions, which had gone from simply kissing him to caressing him, to putting his hands under his robes, to marking his neck with his fangs. He hadn't touched him directly yet, as he wanted his explicit permission first, but he had pressed their bodies tight together, imprisoning him against a tree trunk, allowing him to feel what he caused in him, the kind of intense desire that he aroused within him.

His sexual tension only increased until, on Christmas’ Holidays in his sixth grade, Severus went to the Manor. Lucius had invited him, since he would stay home alone after his parents left on a trip to France.

"The Manor is rather big, and I feel terrified to be here all day alone, but I don't think I can survive the night without someone by my side. You will come with me, right?".

Severus had felt nervous to the point of wanting to puke. He thought that, as soon as he appeared at the Manor, Lucius was going to undress him and do all kinds of things to him in any part of the house; but it wasn’t like that. He was forgetting that Lucius, dying of desire as he was, was still a gentleman, and a patient one. So, he spent the first day showing Severus around the Manor, helping him arrange his things in an adjoining room, offering him the best food (and making sure he ate everything, knowing well how poorly he fed), letting him explore the vast library... Point is, he had let him do what he wanted, explore at ease, enjoy his home. Severus had been relieved at first, but by the end of the day the nervousness had returned stronger.

Lucius had teased him a bit when he saw his hands were shaking, the smile growing when he asked if he was ready, if he was sure, and the ash cheeks turned deep red. Severus nodded, refusing to speak for fear of stuttering and causing the blond to laugh more.

Taking his hand, the young Malfoy guided him to his own room, leaving him standing there as he closed the door, seconds later standing behind him, his mouth rushing to kiss and lick his neck, one arm wrapping around his waist and pressing him against his body, the other groping over his intimacy, waking him up as much as he was. Severus had exhaled a shaky sigh as they walked to the bed of silk sheets, where Lucius undressed him and dedicated himself to giving him all the pleasure in the world, to making him reach places that even with the use of drugs had never reached before.

And all this without the blond taking off a single garment.

When he did, showing his slim figure to the black-haired man, nestled between his legs, skin to skin, Severus could swear that he had touched the sky. Feeling Lucius' hips move against him, his hands holding his, his mouth going from his lips to his neck to his ear, where he moaned his name with passion and adoration... It was something unbelievable, something out-worldly.

He couldn’t determine, when they finished a long time later and Lucius got into the shower (“separated", he had said, "because otherwise it will do me no good to bathe"), if he enjoyed more of his lips travelling all over his body, every inch of it; or if instead he enjoyed more of every inch of him entering his body. Even when they did it again the next night, he couldn't know. He also didn’t know when they did it in the morning, nor on that day that they even forgot to eat, too entangled in pleasing and filling another type of hunger.

It was the best Christmas of his life.

He and Lucius continued their adventures until the blond got engaged, at which point he reluctantly stopped all kinds of sexual encounters with Severus out of respect for his future wife. Severus didn't mind as much as Lucius, being that his sexual drive and need were much lower than the older's, but it did leave him several restless nights, unable to sleep, having to settle for finding a way to give himself all that pleasure, alone.

The good thing was that they continued to frequent each other. Maybe there was no more sex involved, but their friendship was still strong, as was their interest in the Dark Arts and cigarettes and experimental drugs. They began to see each other much more after Severus' graduation and his official union with the Death Eaters, where Lucius was basically in command of him, giving him a little more freedom and confidence than the rest of the Dark Lord's followers.

It was only shortly after Halloween Eve of that fateful year that the two friends had another of those encounters. Severus desperately needed something to hold onto, someone to hold together all his broken bits, and Lucius was there for him, drunk enough to forget about his wife and sober enough to make sure that he wanted it, that Severus wanted it, and that it would only happen that time.

In the end, it happened more than ‘just that time’, but it also ended sooner than their libido would have liked.

Over the next several years, their contact became a little less frequent, a little more distant. Lucius had all the time in the world if he wanted it that way, having his life settled, but Severus carried too many things, and now he also had the responsibility of taking care of a lot of brats. Making sure they understood their classes, passed their exams, and didn't question his authority just because he was much younger than the other professors was something that took too much energy and time. By the time his godson entered Hogwarts, he and Lucius communicated mainly by letters, the constant visits being a thing of the past.

After the arrival of Draco and Potter, however, the blond's presence echoed once again in his life. It was still less constant than before, but every few months Lucius went to Hogwarts to see what his son was doing and to stick his nose in things that shouldn't matter to him, and of course, to hang out with the Potions professor. Usually they were content to drink tea in the younger's office, talking about how their lives were going and complaining about everything like two old ladies. Severus' mood improved significantly after his visits, and stayed that way for at least a couple of days, a record time for his standards.

Sometimes during those moments, he felt like hooking up with him again. The years suited him well, but Severus wasn't sure if it was an innate desire or if it was the blond's fault, who was still watching him with nothing short of lust.

By 1995, Severus and Lucius once again gave free rein to their wishes.

"I must admit, I'm surprised you're here, Sev", Lucuis commented, ushering Severus into his office at the Manor. “You usually spend summer vacations at Hogwarts, right?”.

"Yes, for it's too annoying to be among Muggles again", said the black-haired man, sitting down in the chair in front of the desk where Lucius was sitting. He looked around the room, a place he had never entered. It was quite simple, with a bookcase to his right and floor-to-ceiling windows in each corner, highly polished black wood furniture, a few plants to give it some life, and a fireplace to his left that lit up the room and kept the cold at bay. .

"I totally understand you in that sense", Lucius said. Severus let him finish counting his money instead of saying something, and the blond ended the work shortly after, closing the notebook he was writing in and stuffing all the galleons into a bag with a wave of his wand. “It's a total hassle, but I like to make sure everything is complete. Anyway, what brings you here, Sev? It's not that you're not welcome whenever you want, but I'd like to—”.

"Draco and Narcissa?", Severus interrupted. He didn't want to sound too eager, but the bothering he was carrying on his body was making him uneasy.

Lucius seemed to ignore his tone of voice, leaning back in his chair. He waved his hand.

"They went to the beach or something. You see, Draco loves hot weather and Narcissa had wanted to go swimming since Merlin knows when”, he explained. His grey eyes slid to black eyes, a kind of question in them. Slowly, almost cautiously, Lucius added: "They're not expecting me for three days, you know".

He didn't have to say more. In a second, Severus had risen from his seat, Lucius copying his action, and soon they were stumbling backward until they hit a wall, the black-haired man's hands gripping Lucius' hips as his tongue tangled with his, the blond’s hands unbuttoning Severus's clothes.

Without second thoughts, without asking a thing, Lucius soon pulled down his lover's trousers and knelt in front of him, his mouth moving to run his tongue the entire length of his. Severus closed his eyes and shoved his long fingers into Lucius' silky hair, letting him play and explore his body. He wanted to focus on pleasure, wanted to focus on forgetting about his doubts and problems. It felt kind of wrong (it would feel bad, if he weren't stuck in the other man's mouth and throat) to use Lucius as an escape, but there was no one to turn to, and God knew Lucius had no problem if he sought him out for those things.

Sooner rather than later, Severus could relax, let go of the weight that was always on his shoulders. His ragged gasps filled the silence of the office along with the wet and exciting noises Lucius made down there as he devoured him, hips moving to meet the slow rhythm that marked the blond's head.

He didn't let him finish, however, in typical Malfoy fashion. He rose instead, one hand going to tend to the erection, the other stroking his cheek before kissing him. Lucius always did everything dirty and kinky, ​​and Severus loved to taste himself on his lips and his tongue.

"Let's go upstairs", the owner of the house declared, a rough nod from Severus the only response from him. With a wave of his wand, he pulled his pants up so that he could walk, although he left the important part in the air, so he could continue stroking him all the way to the room that was permanently reserved for Severus.

The door closed and robes flew through the air, mouths meeting in no time once again, bodies clenching and erections brushing against each other. They lay down on the bed, Lucius on top as usual, pushing his hips against Severus' body, increasing the friction of their intimacies.

"Oh, I’d give everything to fuck you in my own bed”, he gasped, licking and sucking and marking his jaw and his neck and his shoulders, hands intertwined, skins gradually covering in a light layer beaded with sweat.

Severus didn't reply, letting himself be carried away by pleasure. Oh yes, that was just what he needed to appease his thoughts, to clear his mind. It was a temporary relief, he knew it well, but better than nothing. Of course, Lucius was not a ‘better than nothing’, he was something better than many things, much better in fact, and breaking the rule that he had settled himself about not to fuck with him any more because he was a married man was something that he was willing to do, at least for this one time.

He didn't know when Lucius flipped their bodies, letting him sit on top of him. Severus took the cue and guided his bodies into the immoral union, a shaky gasp escaping his lips and a deep groan rumbling in the blond's chest. It was as if their bodies recognized each other, adjusting to each other immediately, allowing them to quickly find a rhythm instead of wasting time settling. Severus felt the depth that Lucius reached, delighted in that sensation and in the one that the blond provided with his hands, tending to his erection.

Beneath him, trying eagerly to suppress his sounds, Lucius watched him adoringly, dedicating all kinds of lewd words and commands, ranging from ‘as tight as ever’ to ‘I want you to cum on my chest’. Severus wanted to fulfil his whims, each and every one of them. Sometimes he wished Lucius were single. Sometimes he would like to belong to each other, for at least that way things would be easier and more bearable.

Desperation and the reckless pursuit of pleasure soon brought them both to an end, with Lucius finishing still inside him and Severus, indeed, on his chest. In the ecstasy of their encounter they closed their eyes in pure pleasure, Severus' name entangled in Lucius' moans, Lucius' one spilling like honey from Severus' mouth.

The young professor got up once he was completely finished, laying down next to the blond, breathing in forcefully to steady his agitated heart. He knew Lucius and knew that he would soon ask him if he was ready for another round, and he would be. They had three days to have fun, to forget their lives, to feel that they were each other’s and delude themselves in that illusion.

"Let me tell you", Lucius muttered hoarsely, gasping between breaths, "it's still as good as the first time”.

Severus nodded heavily, in complete agreement with his friend.

His old friend. That was all that Lucius could be, all that he could be to Lucius. It didn't matter how much Severus sometimes wished they were together, that they were more than just friends and occasional lovers. They would always rush to a bed and go no further, for Lucius's heart was light and volatile, and Severus' was too heavy and rested in pale hands with long fingers and reddened knuckles, hidden under a curtain of blond hair that did not belong in the absolute to the man lying next to him.

"How much do you fancy having something to cover your eyes?", the aforementioned asked a while later, when their pulse had returned to normal and their bodies were beginning to cool.

"As much as you do", Severus replied, willing to continue fooling himself for as long as he could by Lucius' side.