#his coping mechanism is ill sleep when im dead

[moriaarts]

Omega and Echo reunion at the rebel base c:

Saw ppl freaking out that Echo isn’t with the bad batch at the end but i offer you this: Echo is a workaholic and was absolutely the only reason Hunter let Omega go off on her own to rebel.

Echo: Thought I told you to stop growing, tooka.

Omega: As soon as you stop gettin’ old, ruug’jag (old man)

[hey-hamlet]

Can we hear more about some of your SVSSS AUs? I’m particularly curious about how the linked souls/dreams one would play out, but they’re all intriguing!

YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON I LOVE YOU

AHeM-

YES YOU MAY

OK SO! Linked Souls! Sickly!Shen Yuan because im projecting a little bit, hes also around 4 years younger than Shen Jiu. When Shen Jiu turns four years old, he starts having hazy dreams of a soft, warm bed, a full stomach, but constant fevers and aches. He feels bitter - not even his dreams let him really enjoy anything. Its quiet and mostly formless until Shen Yuan learns to talk - they gain the ability to talk to eachother, like riding passenger in a car, able to talk and watch but not interact. Shen Jiu learns to read better than any of the other slaves, and teaches Yue Qi everything he learns.

 He tells Yue Qi about Shen Yuan, and Yue Qi believes him because he’d always believe his Xiao Jiu. Shen Yuan likes his Qi-ge a lot, and likes him even more when he sneaks Shen Jiu sweets ‘for a-yuan to taste’

When Shen Jiu turns 11, he’s taken by the Qius. He feels scared and guilty, because Shen Yuan will feel this too, no matter that the little brat didn’t deserve it. He was still too soft and naive, this might break him. He begs Shen Yuan to find a way to leave, but he refuses to leave his ‘big brother’ all alone.

3 years pass, Yue Qi never comes back. Shen Yuan gets sicker and sicker, and Shen Jiu fears that one of them will die before the year’s end - either from sickness or Qiu Jianluo. Qiu Jianluo tries to touch Shen Jiu one night and he snaps, killing the man and everyone in his way on the path out. He might have grit his teeth and borne it if he was alone, but he’s not letting Shen Yuan get hurt like that.  

Shen Jiu doesn’t go with Wu Yanzi after Shen Yuan begs him not to - the man is scum, and while Shen Jiu might be scum himself, Shen Yuan is soft and sweet, he doesn’t deserve to see a man so vile. Cultivating from manuals he steals from people who are likely scammers, he ends up at the immortal alliance conferance. Shen Yuan convinces him to enter - hes too tricky to get himself killed by any of the monsters, and placing anywhere better than the last dregs will be impressive for a 15 year old rouge cultivator.

Wu Yanzi is back! And hes trying to murder Yue Qi, who caught sight of Shen Jiu and froze like a deer in the headlights. Shen Jiu runs him through with a sword he stole from some asshole a few months back and then cries all over Yue Qi’s robes, and then has a very repressed panic attack about getting blood and tears on robes that cost more than his life. 

Yue Qi is also crying! Shen Yuan has no control over Shen Jiu’s eyes but by the way he’s babbling he’s probably also crying! Everyone is crying! 

Yue Qi brings Shen Jiu before his master a bit like a cat presenting a dead bird and Shen Jiu wants to die in a hole a little bit because he’s scruffy and bloody and everyone around him look like peerless immortals. He covers this up by acting as much like a pampered young lord as humanly possible. Shen Yuan is cheering him on internally. 

Shen Jiu is snapped up the the Qing Jing peak master because he’s obnoxiously intelligent and knows a truely frightening amount of characters and some really impressive maths, esspecially considering his lack of formal education (Shen Yuan, internally “Yes Jiu-ge I know, I’m amazing and the light of your life and you’re so grateful to watch my miserable homeschooling lessons”)

Yue Qi explains nothing about why he didn’t come back because! Thats just what the man is like. Shen Jiu is less furious about it and more depressed because having a perminant Shen Yuan in your head helps you develop slightly less violent coping mechanisms. Plus, Shen Yuan can’t hold a grudge to save his life and Shen Jiu uses the fact Shen Yuan missed him as a reason to visit. 

Yue Qi sticks his foot in his mouth a little less. 

Liu Qingge hates Shen Jiu On Sight as usual, and is still convinced hes a murderous little noble snake. Shen Yuan is furious, and Shen Jiu has to fight the urge to laugh at the creative streams of insults he gets running. 

Shen Yuan gets well enough to attend high school in person. He doesn’t really make any friends, but hes not lonely considering the other Shen who, while not there constantly, is basically always there by the time his first lessons start. The running commentry makes it less dull anyway. 

He graduates, applies to university. Shen Jiu becomes head disiple. Shen Yuan finishes his first year of a teaching degree before his illness relapses hard. He gets through another year of part time study before he dies. 

Something in Shen Jiu, now Shen Qingqiu, Peak Lord of Qing Jing, dies with him. His students liken him to a ghost, dressed in mourning white, rising late and sleeping early, but often seen wandering the peak in the dead of night. Yue Qingyuan visits often, but Shen Qingqiu says nothing. 

Liu Qingge, angry at what he assumes is a fit of drama crashes onto the peak in a self rightious rage, challenging Shen Qingqiu to a duel. Thats the only time he ever loses a duel to him. The Yue Qingyuan has to pull them apart, Shen Qingqiu still snarling with rage. 

The news that he deviates that night shocks no one. Yue Qingyuan is frigid with Liu Qingge, and it unnerves the other peak lords. 

Shen Qingqiu has barely recovered from one of the worst Qi deviations he’s ever had when a disiple all but crashes through his door, scared shitless of the half dead looking man who stumbled through the peak’s barriers like so much air. 

Shen Qingqiu doesnt dare hope - Shen Yuan is dead, and a world away at that - but wouldn’t his soul be allowed to pass through the barrier? Shen Qingqiu had never had a problem when they shared bodies.

The man (barely a man, he would be 21 if he hadn’t been dead for 3 months) looks truly awful, feverish and flushed, but Shen Qingqiu know’s that face better than he know’s his own. 

“A-Yuan?”

[nachotrash]

MORE INCORRECT QUOTES WITH MY MOOTS

ft: @catchmewiddershins @lilikags and @paradise-creator // no haikyuu boys this time

Pauline: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this? Wid, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.

------------------

Pauline: We're having a baby. Shiyu: Oh, congradu- Wid, slamming adoption papers onto teh table: It's you, sign here.

---------------

Pauline: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Shiyu, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Wid, whispering: Because I have little hands. Shiyu: Because they have little hands.

------------------

Wid: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

--------------

Lili: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword.

---------------

Wid: Pros and cons of dating me. Wid: Pros. You'll be the cute one. Wid: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

(cons. you're the smart one😔)

----------------

Shiyu: Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?

-------------

Pauline: Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids.

-------------

Shiyu: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit!

(*lipbites in 166 cm*)

--------------

Wid: I don't dab. I stab.

(nOw WhEarE HAvE i SeEn ThIs BeFoRe)

----------------

Shiyu: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

(t-pose to assert dominance)

---------------

Shiyu, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because... Shiyu, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

(lmao baby nacho really be bold)

--------------------

Shiyu: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

------------------

Lili: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

----------------

Pauline: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

--------------

Pauline: All of your existences are confusing. The Squad: How so? Pauline: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

(we are the squad now)

---------------

Lili: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

---------------

Wid: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something. Wid: I need my socks.

------------------

Pauline: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

(yes yes you are how dare you)

------------

Shiyu: Yeah I'm LGBT. Shiyu: cuLt leader. Shiyu: God hates me personally. Shiyu: cowBoy hat. Shiyu: *sniffles* Trying my best.

(my asexual ass be like;)

-------------

Wid: *plays shreksophone* Wid: Woo. Wid: Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity. Shiyu: ...Genius coping mechanism my friend

---------------

Shiyu: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated. Pauline: Killed without hesitation.

----------

Pauline: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

---------------

Pauline: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

-----------------

Pauline: I hate Lili. Shiyu: "Hate' is a strong word. Pauline: I have strong opinions.

(oh no)

----------

Wid: How does that even work? Shiyu, mocking them: hOw dO yOu UsE a cOmPUteR aNd KnOw wHaTS GoiNg oN iT DoEsNt mAke SeNSe?! Wid: Your face doesnt make sense.

(...fair enough)

------------

Pauline: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter!

-----------

Pauline: My stomach growled super loud in French. Pauline: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. Shiyu: Bonjour. Lili: Le growl. Wid: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

(reminds me of the 'ill speak french between your legs' tumblr legend and im wheezing)

------------------

Shiyu: *tapping fingers on table* Lili: *taps fingers back furiously* Wid: …What’s going on? Pauline: Morse code. They’re talking. Shiyu: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - Lili: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

-----------------

Shiyu: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely. Wid, Lili, & Pauline: Okay. Shiyu: If you don't want to die, give me all your money. Wid: Bold of you to assume I have money. Lili: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die. Pauline: Bold of you to assume I can die.

(pauline is a goddess. goddesses cant die)

------------------

Lili: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong? Wid: Strong. Shiyu: Weak. Pauline: An idiot, is what your are.

(as long as you dont flinch or scream youre strong. unless you get punched in the gut by someone like ushijima ofc)

--------------------

Shiyu: Those darn tall old people. Wid: Darm em' indeed. Pauline: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough. Lili: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead. The Squad: Lili: Hahaha. Lili: ...Is this self-destructive behaviour?

-----------------

Wid: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Pauline. They're mad at you. Pauline: No, it's Shiyu. They're just being gramatically correct! *meanwhile* Shiyu: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them. Lili: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'. Shiyu: I stand by my choice.

------------------

Wid: What do we think of Shiyu? *pause* Lili: *sighs* Nice pal. Pauline: I think they're gay.

=------------

Wid: Where is Shiyu? Pauline: I'll do you one better, who is Shiyu?? Lili: Here's a better question, why is Shiyu?

(i dont know man. ive been trying to figure it out for the last few years)

--------------

Wid: On the count of three, what’s your favorite cake? Wid & Lili: One, two, three- Wid & Lili: Chocolate cake, peanutbutter frosting, and chocolate chunks! Shiyu: Our turn, Pauline! One, two, three- Shiyu: Vanilla! Pauline: I’ve never had cake before. What is cake?

----------------

Pauline: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- Wid: A doll. Shiyu: A cinnamon roll. Lili: A sweetheart. Pauline: Pauline: ...stop it.

(cant deny the truth bby)

---------------

Wid, Pauline & Shiyu: *screaming* Lili: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Shiyu?! Wid: Wait, why are you asking Shiyu that when Pauline and I are also here? Lili: Because Shiyu wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

(i mean... its true )

-----------------

Pauline: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out. Wid: Fucking Shiyu and Lili were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

(manifests dvalin cause i wanna ride on their back and fall off)

-------------------

Lili: Wake me up- Wid: Before you go go Shiyu: When September ends Pauline: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

(cant wake up- WAKE ME UP INSIDE)

--------------------

Shiyu, watching Pauline & Lili panic : What's going on? Wid: Pauline is having a midlife crisis and Lili is just having a crisis.

--------------

Lili: *Gasp* Pauline: wHAT?? Lili: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? Pauline: *inhales* Wid, in another room with Shiyu: Why can I hear screeching?

(shiyu: same shit different day)

----------------------------

Shiyu: Christmas is cancelled. Wid: You can't cancel a holiday. Shiyu: Keep it up, Wid, and you'll lose New Year's too. Wid: What does that mean? Shiyu: Lili, take New Year's away from Wid.

--------------------

Pauline: So, are they your friend or... Lili: They’re like Wid, but if Wid was ordered to be around you. Pauline: Oh, so Shiyu. Lili: Precisely!

(if its about how annoyed i always look then you ahve a point)

----------------

Wid: You’re just being paranoid. Again. Pauline: When have I been paranoid? Wid: Um, when you first met Lili you thought they were an undercover cop…? Pauline: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera! Wid: And last year you were sure Shiyu was a mermaid! Pauline: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?! *Later, when Pauline’s theory is proven wrong* Wid: Do you have anything to say for yourself? Pauline: I still think Shiyu is a mermaid.

(id gladly be one)

--------------------

*Wid drunkenly wanders around the manor and Lili is drunkenly giggling* Shiyu, completely sober: *sighs* Well, looks like it's just me and you against the wold, Pauline. Pauline, going to their room: Nope, just you. *shuts door*

----------------

Wid: We need to distract these guys. Lili: Leave it to me. Lili: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. Pauline & Shiyu: *immediately begin arguing*

(*pulls out dictionary*)

------------------

Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle. Shiyu, with Wid and Lili behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?! Police: Yes…three. Shiyu: Oh, my God— What the fuck!? Police: Wha- Shiyu: Pauline FUCKING FELL OFF!

----------------------

Wid: What is love? Pauline: An emotional minefield. Shiyu: A neurochemical reaction. Lili: Baby don't hurt me.

(BECAUSE FUCK EMOTIONS)

--------------------

Pauline: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions? Wid: Put spaghetti in it. Pauline: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you. Lili: Put spaghetti in it. Pauline: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two. Shiyu: Put spaghetti in it. Pauline: I am no longer taking suggestions.

------------------

Shiyu, pointing to the wall: What color is this? Pauline: Gray. Lili: Grey. Shiyu, turning to Wid: Now tell them what color you think it is. Wid: Dark white.

[emakenz]

i know ive been venting a lot recently, im sorry about that, i just cant talk to anyone about it. i mean i can but i dont want to, theres no point, everyones stressed and worn out by this. i cant c*t myself or h**t myself anymore or i will be taken away, my parents have to lock away all the sharp shit (KITCHEN KNIVES INCLUDED) in a safe with our guns, the main agent thats been assigned to us will regularly visit whether we like it or not, i feel more unsafe than ever because of how the system is handling all this shit. I have to clean my room to make it look like my parents keep me in check, so they dont find other reasons to take me away, or so ive been told. I can already tell they just want me in theur system to profit off of and i cant fucking take it. I just wanna stay home and live normally like it all was before. I havent done shit to deserve this, i just wanted fucking coping mechanisms yet they throw me in this shithole of a situation with NO COPING SKILLS. I just fucking took 40 mg of melatonin to sleep (its almost 8 PM) so i dont have to think anymore. I have to act grown up while being treated like a incompetent toddler, i have to restrain all my negative emotions or ill be deemed unstable and i will have to go back to the mental hospital and be locked there for a week. If i do end up being taken away id be going in the foster system and god knows all the abuse those kids go through. My fucking friend who was murdered earlier this year was dead because the system failed to protect him from his abuser. My family doesnt fucking abuse me, im fucking fine at home, its just this shit is making me have major emotional issues that i cant handle because i dont have a therapist to go to because she broke my trust and never helped anyway. I have to do zoom meetings of group therapy for 6 weeks, 3 times a week eventually. Im okay with that i just. God i fucking hate this system.

My own venting source isn't reliable, i dont feel safe anymore, cant trust any authority. The prosecutor has full say on what happens to my brother. My brother doesnt even fucking remember the crime he committed when he was a preteen. Its fucking bullshit. I have forgotten all about the original trauma because the system has traumatized me way more in the past couple weeks than my family ever has. The system that was built on supporting kids in need forces kids like me into tough situations that i have to fucking defend myself from being locked up in a mental institution or be thrown into foster care when everything at home is fu king great. I dont understand why they insist on ruining my life for profit. My parents could be thrown in jail for the slightest reason and everything ive ever known would be thrown away. I could be thrown into a strangers house, forced to go back to school and get a job and get a license, my shit wouldnt belong to me since im a minor, lose all of the lacking dignity ive got. All because i wanted to vent out my frustrations to my therapist for advice on coping skills. Im not even in danger. The shit happened over a decade ago. Im losing my mind. Theres even more shit to this but im just done. Im tired of it.

I cant enjoy the things ive always loved doing anymore, afraid that they might be taken away from me so i dont wanna get attached. And my depression and anxiety are through the roof. I cant not be upset atm bc im the center of it all. If i died my family would still be in deep shit, if i stayed alive wed all be in shit, if i was taken away or locked up we all would still be in deep shit. Theres very few endings to this that end up good and well. Im just a teen. A moody teen that has a lacking gauge on reality. I dont feel real anymore. Ive spaced out so much its like im watching myself from behind. I cant sleep i cant eat i cant do anything without feeling like im gonna break down. I feel everyones stress and my own, i have absorbed all of it, i cant get it out the way i want to. I have a fucking uti that i need to take care of but im so stressed i forget about my physical pain. I forget to take care of the things i need to do, like grooming and basic needs. My family cant bother cooking much atm since my parents are busy working a lot so weve been eating a lost of fast food, so my diet is shit. Idk man. Things just arent good. I want to scream and cry and sleep and kill someone but i dont think id feel better after any of it. Its all locked inside of me since showing signs of any negative emotions would make me look unstable. So ill just lay here. And wait till i fall asleep. Hopefully i can stay asleep.

[buffalowingsfortwo]

12/6/19 1:45 am

ash to faith

by now, it should be safe to say that this account, this plan, has died. it was nice while it lasted.

i don’t know if or when you’ll see this posts, or any of my other ones, but im leaving it just in case. it probably won’t matter regardless of what happens next with me, or with this blog, or with our relationship, but i see no reason why i shouldn’t. just in case.

a lot’s happened since my last post. i probably don’t remember most of it. most of it that i can remember doesn’t really matter. so i’ll start from the present.

i woke up today around 9, after sleeping around 4 hours, and i was too anxious to go back to sleep. i thought i might miss something if i did. what i’d miss, i have no idea. but that’s how i feel most mornings and most nights. so i stayed awake. i stayed in bed until around 12. last night, and for the past week, or two, or whatever, i felt heavy and i didn’t want to do anything. but i woke up feeling better today. i listened to fleetwood mac and told myself that today i’d be better. so today i did my homework, i took shawn to meet his mom, i went to class, and i played guitar until i couldn’t feel my fingers. and today was the same as all the others.

during my class tonight, which was the last of the semester, we went over schizophrenia and mood disorders. when we started going over the overlap between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, i remembered that im an adult now and my mom can’t technically stop me from doing a lot of things. so i talked to a sibling, and a friend, and decided that at some point soon, im going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist and get diagnosed with whatever. i have my assumptions about what’s wrong, as do most people i know, but i could always tell you never liked when i tried to define myself by my issues or illnesses. i still don’t know if this was ever a quality that i highly respected or despised. which is probably rude to say. but im not sure it matters.

when i drove home, i felt heavy again. i ate orange chicken, and watched old disney shows, and played guitar, and rubbed my eyes and pulled on my hair a lot. i can’t remember ever doing anything beyond those things.

as i said, the semester ends this week, and i did okay. i probably passed 2 of my classes. im already reenrolled for math in the spring. beyond school, i might be able to get a temporary job at the start of next year because of a nice old man i know through church. it will give me a good amount of money and leave me trapped in the same dead-end town i’ve spent my life running in circles in. i couldn’t imagine a better life if i tried.

we haven’t talked recently. i don’t know if you’ve noticed yet. if you have, it should be some consolation that i haven’t really talked to anyone or made any effort to see anyone in a long time beyond plans that i made weeks or months ago. im not busy. most of the time i have the energy to do things. but i never want to. i think a lot about how you get bored of people and spend your time trying to keep yourself as entertained with life as possible. it’s not that the people around me bore me. i think im surrounded by countless beautiful people. but no one fits. and the more time i spend with them, the more i realize it only makes me feel worse, and they probably have better things to be doing. im not hurt, or upset, or full of any kind of hatred, or sadness, or self-pity, i just don’t want to keep walking back and forth like i always have. so for probably not the first time, im stopping where i am.

a lot of things in my life ended this year. more things are currently ending around me. every day i get closer to the day i stop being me and become someone else. this happens every few years, and i always feel better after i die. i live for the drama of it, and the nostalgia, and the guilt and regret and hope and everything else. there’s a reason i picked this name for myself, and im trying harder than ever to prove that it, and i, do mean something. i don’t feel like myself these days. and i think it’s just because there’s nothing left of the me i was. i don’t know where you stand, or how you feel, or who you are. and i do wonder. but i can’t imagine i’ll find the energy to reach out for a bit. i hope that when the day comes when i can walk and talk and it doesn’t feel like a chore to breathe you’ll forgive me for any potential negativity coming from this stage. i also hope you won’t make fun of me for being so dramatic. it’s the closest thing to a coping mechanism i have.

the next time you see me, or speak to me, i don’t know who i’ll be. i don’t know who i was when we last spoke, and i don’t know if im even a person right now. all i am is tired.

“i’d like to tell you that my sky’s not blue, it’s violent rain, and in my world, the people on the street don’t know my name. in my world, im seven feet tall, and the boys always call, and the girls do, too.”

- clementine by halsey

[baleygr]

who gives a fuck what i say here

(tw: eating disorder, tw: mental illness)

i had a genuine fear of starvation when i was a kid, specifically from the ages of like 5 to around 12, and after 12 it was more of like a conscious thing. but my family was rly fucking poor, like dirt poor. like we lived in section 8 housing and we were on food stamps, and there was a lot of financial stress esp after my dad died. so i wasnt the first son either, and my older brother would naturally get more food than me, which makes sense i guess bc i was tiny back then but i just remember this sense of unfairness and then shame and guilt where i felt like i was eating up resources and that i was a burden. i was severely underweight at the time, but so was my older brother bc of shared trauma and mental illness, to the point where i remember when i told him about feeling hungry or tired, he gave me his own coping mechanism which was to literally drink water and sleep it off. i slept so much in middle school, esp with my fucking depression and whole coping with my mom going off the rails bc her husband was dead and she had to suddenly support her family after being a housewife for over a decade with minimal english skills. my older brother was just straight up gone. i was the emotional punching bag so id just stop being around the house as much or id just be in my room and sleep. if i got hungry, i slept. tired, stressed, i just slept that shit off.

now im still classed as being underweight but ive gotten so much better. now i can eat in front of ppl, most days, and eat regular meals. some days i will literally fucking binge eat and stare at whatever food i have holed up in my room, bc i need that fucking tangible security.

but i swear to god. i swear to fucking god one of things that gets me from 0 to 100 after all the shit ive been thru (tagged for later) do not fucking tell me what to eat. Do not try to control what or when I eat. Do not, oh my fucking god, tell me that something's too many calories--you should be fucking grateful I'm choosing to eat anything today, you don't know half the shit I had to do to get here. You are not going to take whatever enjoyment I have.

I'm 90lbs. This is a fucking improvement, I used to weigh even less. So you don't get to look at whatever food I managed to scrounge up and tell me I need to cut carbs out of my diet or something because you're trying to fucking diet or some shit, fucking eat me. you dont get to exercise control over my body and mind and health after years of putting up with so much shit that i cant even write out.

[bandagekid]

[4/5/17, 9:19:10 PM] aub: but no time [4/5/17, 9:19:13 PM] aub: only time to sleep [4/5/17, 9:19:27 PM] aub: obssessed with sleeping [4/5/17, 9:19:35 PM] aub: just want to go to sleep all the time [4/5/17, 9:19:40 PM] aub: tired of being awake [4/5/17, 9:19:52 PM] aub: today i remembered the story of the fig tree in the bible [4/5/17, 9:20:02 PM] aub: and we had a partner discussion on the moral of the story [4/5/17, 9:20:07 PM] aub: u know it right [4/5/17, 9:20:21 PM] aub: basically jesus is hungry and he finds a fig tree and gets pissed off that it isnt bearing fruit [4/5/17, 9:20:24 PM] aub: so he curses it [4/5/17, 9:20:29 PM] aub: and the next day it withers [4/5/17, 9:20:33 PM] aub: so it’s basically like [4/5/17, 9:20:45 PM] Jimmy: Never heard [4/5/17, 9:20:50 PM] aub: if u don’t amount to anything or you don’t produce anything in life then you may as well be dead [4/5/17, 9:20:55 PM] aub: lmfao [4/5/17, 9:21:12 PM] aub: or you’re as good as dead basically [4/5/17, 9:21:23 PM] aub: no difference whether you’re dead or alive if u dont produce anything [4/5/17, 9:21:31 PM] aub: that’s literally the moral of the parable [4/5/17, 9:21:45 PM] aub: but jesus must have been really hangry [4/5/17, 9:21:53 PM] Jimmy: Right [4/5/17, 9:21:56 PM] Jimmy: lol [4/5/17, 9:21:57 PM] aub: how petty can u be to curse a tree [4/5/17, 9:22:15 PM] aub: then his disciples were like holy shit u cursed it and it died holy shit [4/5/17, 9:22:26 PM] Jimmy: do u think there's a gay gene [4/5/17, 9:22:30 PM] aub: the real moral of the story (positive) is that “YOU BETTER WORK" [4/5/17, 9:22:33 PM] aub: yeah there is [4/5/17, 9:22:35 PM] aub: proven [4/5/17, 9:22:39 PM] aub: like literally [4/5/17, 9:23:00 PM] Jimmy: Rihanna work [4/5/17, 9:23:09 PM] aub: gay physique, especially for males, is different than heterosexuals [4/5/17, 9:23:37 PM] aub: makes u more slender and a little more feminine and ur voice is a little higher [4/5/17, 9:23:48 PM] aub: it’s a different testosterone level [4/5/17, 9:23:56 PM] aub: and estrogen production [4/5/17, 9:24:00 PM] aub: it’s the reason why like [4/5/17, 9:24:04 PM] aub: my friend mitch [4/5/17, 9:24:07 PM] aub: his parents are straight [4/5/17, 9:24:15 PM] aub: but him and all three of his brothers are gay [4/5/17, 9:24:28 PM] aub: so they just literally produced gay children [4/5/17, 9:24:36 PM] aub: you’re predisposed to it based on your parents genetics [4/5/17, 9:24:39 PM] aub: u really are [4/5/17, 9:24:41 PM] aub: born gay [4/5/17, 9:25:06 PM] aub: and also people who are homophobic (men who are homophobic) have this gene where [4/5/17, 9:25:23 PM] aub: ok so basically no one is homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:29 PM] aub: u aren’t supposed to be homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:54 PM] aub: but short answer is [4/5/17, 9:26:15 PM] aub: the reason that homophobic men exist so vehemently and outwardly is because theyre predisposed to getting turned on by viewing gay pornography [4/5/17, 9:26:24 PM] aub: *scientifically [4/5/17, 9:26:48 PM] aub: so their values turn the attraction into fear and hatred of one’s self [4/5/17, 9:27:05 PM] aub: and then they uh [4/5/17, 9:27:07 PM] aub: whats the word [4/5/17, 9:27:09 PM] aub: hold on [4/5/17, 9:27:13 PM] aub: its a psychology defense mechanism [4/5/17, 9:27:27 PM] aub: oh [4/5/17, 9:27:29 PM] aub: projection [4/5/17, 9:27:32 PM] aub: there we go [4/5/17, 9:28:03 PM] aub: when u have like problems within urself and u project it out onto others and how u view the world as a result of inner conflict [4/5/17, 9:28:07 PM] aub: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/ [4/5/17, 9:32:45 PM] Jimmy: Interesting [4/5/17, 9:33:14 PM] aub: like [4/5/17, 9:33:24 PM] aub: like someone cheating on their s/o [4/5/17, 9:33:31 PM] aub: and then their s/o asks them if theyre cheating [4/5/17, 9:33:38 PM] aub: and they’re like no how could u say that [4/5/17, 9:33:41 PM] aub: are YOU cheating on me [4/5/17, 9:33:47 PM] aub: (projection) [4/5/17, 9:34:41 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:44 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:48 PM] aub: which is more me!! [4/5/17, 9:34:53 PM] Jimmy: Second [4/5/17, 9:34:56 PM] aub: my sister wants to buy me a passion planner [4/5/17, 9:35:01 PM] Jimmy: Is that even.a question [4/5/17, 9:35:04 PM] aub: oh really?? [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: my friend said the first [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: im torn between the two [4/5/17, 9:35:31 PM] aub: i reaaaally like the second one’s design [4/5/17, 9:35:47 PM] aub: it’s a little paler in person [4/5/17, 9:35:57 PM] aub: more of a tiffany blue than an electric one like that [4/5/17, 9:36:29 PM] aub: jimbles i just want to be a genuinely better person [4/5/17, 9:36:43 PM] aub: but i think the more i think about these goals the harder it is to achieve them [4/5/17, 9:37:15 PM] aub: i think things are less about motivation and more about discipline and i’m jst too fragile for all of it [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: i finally realized [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: or [4/5/17, 9:37:57 PM] aub: i saw something on tumblr and i felt relieved and validated [4/5/17, 9:38:03 PM] aub: that someone mntioned that [4/5/17, 9:38:34 PM] aub: online csa is real and it’s thing even if a lot of people don’t recognize it and it’s just as traumatizing as irl csa [4/5/17, 9:38:52 PM] aub: especially because mine is both [4/5/17, 9:39:17 PM] aub: it’s hard for me to label it as csa because i don’t want to admit it [4/5/17, 9:39:59 PM] aub: but ive become more in touch with trauma and ptsd and csa recovery coping blogs and [4/5/17, 9:40:13 PM] aub: i think for the same reason that i’ve come to identify with bpd is that [4/5/17, 9:40:48 PM] aub: the things and experiences and feelings that other people, others diagnosed with it/have definitely gone through it are the exact same things that i identify with [4/5/17, 9:40:55 PM] aub: the same thought patterns [4/5/17, 9:41:30 PM] aub: it feels good to know that i’m not the only one who thinks horrible things like this to myself [4/5/17, 9:42:03 PM] aub: like u know dont touch me im impure im dirty ill nevr be able to be clean again [4/5/17, 9:42:12 PM] aub: or bpd like [4/5/17, 9:43:02 PM] aub: ill cut you off before you do i hate you i love you i hate you i hate what you’ve done to me i love you please dont ever leave me ill kill myself without you [4/5/17, 9:43:09 PM] aub: it’s [4/5/17, 9:43:16 PM] aub: i feel so ashamed all the time [4/5/17, 9:44:15 PM] aub: i like to hope that im not just licking my wounds here and wallowing in the comfort of a safe community [4/5/17, 9:44:22 PM] aub: i like to think that this is part of the healing process [4/5/17, 9:44:40 PM] aub: but i wonder all the time if ill ever heal or if i’ll just stay damaged goods [4/5/17, 9:45:31 PM] aub: i wonder if anyone will want to touch me or be with me like this or if anyone could love me like this [4/5/17, 9:45:57 PM] aub: and the feeling impermanence and irrationalism [4/5/17, 9:46:42 PM] aub: as if i forget everyday that i’m loved and have to be reminded by large displays of affection or else i get paranoid, vindictive, hateful, withdrawn [4/5/17, 9:46:52 PM] aub: carrying all of these things all the time is hard [4/5/17, 9:47:03 PM] aub: i don’t even know where all of this is coming from [4/5/17, 9:47:08 PM] aub: maybe from some place deep inside me [4/5/17, 9:47:28 PM] aub: i really thought i couldn’t think anymore but i guess it’s still there [4/5/17, 9:51:23 PM] Jimmy: um [4/5/17, 9:51:33 PM] Jimmy: nepo [4/5/17, 9:51:46 PM] aub: sorry i [4/5/17, 9:51:52 PM] aub: i know it just comes tumbling out [4/5/17, 9:51:58 PM] Jimmy: tmblr [4/5/17, 9:52:00 PM] aub: stop [4/5/17, 9:52:06 PM] Jimmy: Tmblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:08 PM] aub: i was gonna say that [4/5/17, 9:52:13 PM] Jimmy: Tumblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:52 PM] Jimmy: r u okay my manz [4/5/17, 9:53:21 PM] Jimmy: it's no good to think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:29 PM] aub: i always think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:32 PM] aub: im just giving u examples [4/5/17, 9:53:36 PM] Jimmy: I know [4/5/17, 9:53:44 PM] Jimmy: what is bothering u [4/5/17, 9:54:01 PM] aub: is that a question or statement :0 [4/5/17, 9:54:16 PM] Jimmy: Both c: [4/5/17, 9:54:45 PM] aub: care // temporex [4/5/17, 9:54:56 PM] aub: “i must be talking to a wall” is my favorite line [4/5/17, 9:56:32 PM] aub: and uh [4/5/17, 9:56:48 PM] aub: idk man [4/5/17, 9:56:58 PM] aub: ive talked to u abt it before but [4/5/17, 9:57:24 PM] aub: it's hard to articulate [4/5/17, 9:59:13 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:59:16 PM] aub: im gonna do this [4/5/17, 9:59:19 PM] aub: but not on twittee [4/5/17, 10:00:00 PM] aub: my sex life is a lot of personal stuff out and grow up to be a one on one of the only thing that was my first time having sex was in a hotel room with my abuser in the summer of my fav flowers [4/5/17, 10:00:03 PM] aub: fuck [4/5/17, 10:00:23 PM] aub: ...... [4/5/17, 10:00:37 PM] aub: i need to sit down [4/5/17, 10:16:02 PM] aub: jimmy [4/5/17, 10:16:05 PM] aub: im in love with myself