#him too- but only when he's drunk. he gets angy. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kpopsexstories · 8 months ago

Text

NCT MOST MEMORABLE SEX – Story #21: WINWIN

A new story/member every Monday. Click here to view the posting schedule.

Story: NCT Winwin has sex with Jeno's older aunt (MILF).

Type: VANILLA/UNCONVENTIONAL

Content: Sweet/cute, Blowjob, Missionary, Older woman

Word Count: 5,522

Members: Winwin, (Jeno)

Story #21: WINWIN

Angie was a hefty woman. Tall, sturdy, and with an enormous chest and ass, despite her proportionately narrow waist. She was 43 years of age but had young, smooth skin, and a face which surely must have gone though more than one surgical treatment. Winwin was never quite sure.

There was one thing he was certain of, however: Angie – which was a nickname – was Jeno’s aunt, and it was crucial that his friend never found out about their sexual encounter. As brief as it was it was amazing, and definitely a positive memory, but Winwin couldn’t help but feel utterly ashamed when he thought of what he’d done. Jeno would probably end him if he knew.

Winwin and Angie met when he was 21 years old, 22 years Angie's junior. The reason was the joint birthday of Jeno’s mother and sister – yes, they were born on the same day. The sister had a huge crush on several of Jeno’s talented friends, but Winwin was her latest infaturation, and she had personally requested his presence. Bringing his friend to wish his sister a happy birthday was Jeno’s gift to her that year, and needless to say she considered it the best birthday present she’d ever received.

The party was a big affair, with extended family gathered in a villa outside Seoul. Aunts and uncles, parents and grandparents, numerous cousins and even a few people Jeno himself had never met before were all present.

Among all these strangers, Winwin felt like an outsider and was looking for someone to make him feel less odd. But it was not the talkative and quite pretty sister who caught his attention. It was aunt Angie, who stood out as a bit of a black sheep.

Angie was not like Jeno’s mother – her sister – at all. Not only was her physique much different – her large chest almost burst out of her tight blouse – but she was also very direct and funny. Winwin was certainly a social person, but in this particular group and setting he was a bit timid and shy. Other than Jeno and his sister, who would never shut up and quickly became a bit annoying, Angie was the one who made Winwin laugh and feel relaxed.

It was also obvious very early on this lovely evening that Angie was flirting with the much younger man. She sat a little too close when they made small talk, and made numerous suggestive remarks as the evening progressed.

The longer the party went on, the more drunk the group also became. An uncle was the first to pass out, on a couch where Jeno’s father found him and helped put him to bed. To Winwin’s surprise, Jeno’s mom – the other birthday girl – also got incredibly tipsy. Before the time was even 9PM, the living room was a make-shift dance floor, the kitchen looked like a bus had run through it, and people of all generations were having the time of their lives.

It was as far as you could get from any party Winwin’s own family back in China had ever had. He was impressed, amazed and a little shocked by the whole experience.

By 10PM Jeno was nowhere to be seen. Drunk but happy, Winwin went looking for him. He even dared to ask the sister, even though he knew that in doing so he’d likely start her excessive chatting back up again. He immediately regretted approaching her, made up some excuse, and disappeared into a hallway where there was some peace and quiet.

He leaned against a door, closed his eyes and tried to focus his mind. I’m so drunk, he thought, and immediately had to open his eyes again to focus his vision on a fixed point. He chose a painting hanging on the opposite wall. Wooow, that man is spinning!

Suddenly, the door behind him opened and Winwin abruptly fell backwards. He lost his balance and crashed hard onto the floor.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed.

“I’m so sorry!” a female voice said somewhere above him.

Winwin rubbed his eyes, and finally managed to focus on Angie’s smiling face. She let out a laugh but quickly looked concerned. “Are you alright?” she asked when her smile went away.

“I’m fine,” Winwin said and tried to get up. He lost is balance again, and Angie held out a hand.

When she pulled him up, he tripped and she grabbed hold of his waist to keep him from falling back down. Their faces were suddenly close together, and her large breasts pressed against his tiny chest. A mixture of nervousness, youthful thrill and sexual arousal instantly shot through his body.

“Whoops,” Angie said and laughed when she caught him. “Had a bit too much, have we?”

“Naah, I’m fine,” Winwin said. He genuinely thought he was, and wanted to appear cool and collected in front of the impressive woman. “I just need a rest.”

“Come, lie down,” Angie said. She grabbed Winwin’s arm and led him to a large bed in the middle of the room. This was Jeno’s parent’s guest room, and being a close relative Angie was the one sleeping in it.

Winwin reached the bed and immediately fell flat onto it. On his stomach, he stretched out wide with his arms to both sides. His shirt slid up his stomach, revealing his lower back and narrow waist.

Angie laughed a third time. “Oh poor baby, not used to partying like this family? Stay right there, I’ll go get you some water.”

She abruptly left the room and closed the door behind her. For a moment, everything fell completely silent, though the party at the other end of the house was certainly not silent at all. The murmur of it could be heard all the way to this room.

Winwin smiled to himself. He recalled the sensation of Angie’s body rubbing against his. He suddenly felt a tingle between his legs, and as his dick pressed against the mattress his bulge quickly grew in size.

Angie soon returned, and Winwin immediately felt a little better. She closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed. When she handed him a large glass, he rolled on his back and quickly sat up straight. He raised a knee on the bed to cover the erection he now had.

Angie watched him gulp down the whole glass. Her smile never disappeared from her face.

“Feel better?” she asked.

“Much,” Winwin replied. It was only a half truth.

When the glass was empty he leaned sideways to put it on a bedside table, but at the same time Angie leaned in too to take it from him. She placed a palm on the bed to put her weight on, while reaching for the glass in Winwin’s hand with the other.

Two things happened at this moment. First, their hands touched and their eyes met. For several seconds, they just sat there and looked at each other, Winwin frozen mid movement while reaching for the table.

Second, Angie’s hand on the mattress was between Winwin’s legs, and he’d rolled his erection right into her arm. She immediately felt it, and for a brief moment even the straight-forward older woman was short of words.

Then she finally composed herself, smiled wide, looked at the hand between Winwin’s legs, and said: “Oh my.”

“I’m sorry,” Winwin quickly muttered, but he made no attempts to move away from the woman. He remained in place, the glass still in the air and his throbbing boner still pressed against Angie’s wrist.

When Angie realized that maybe the boy was into her, she suddenly relaxed her body and shifted her weight away from the arm, moved the hand slightly, and placed it on Winwin’s bulge. Gently, she started to massage it while staring at his cute face. She was looking for a reaction, ideally a positive one.

Winwin didn’t stop her. On the inside he was screaming, his young mind going wild. A much older, quite sexy woman had her hand between his legs. This was a wet dream come true, and as wrong as it was he thoroughly enjoyed it. There was no way he’d stop her from doing what she was doing to him.

But despite her sexual touch and the flirty personality she had displayed all night, Angie had no intention of going any further. “How old are you?” she asked, a clear signal that she wanted to.

She genuinely expected Winwin to say an even lower number than he did – Jeno was younger and only 19, after all. She was prepared to immediately retract her hand and act shocked, and she thought that would be the extent of their encounter.

“Twenty two,” Winwin replied, and Angie’s face immediately lit up.

Her plan of simply touching the aroused man briefly and leaving it at that was instantly shot to pieces. Despite their age difference, Winwin was an adult and as a horny as he was. Angie herself was extremely aroused by the sudden turn of events.

She never removed the hand. Instead, she changed approach completely.

“Is this okay?” she asked and squeezed Winwin's dick a little harder through his pants.

“Ye-ah,” Winwin wheezed, then cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he repeated, much louder and clearer this time.

This gave Angie all the permission she needed. “Put the glass down,” she said. It sounded both like an order and an encouragement.

Winwin immediately completed his rolling movement, and twisted his hip to reach the bedside table. When the glass was down, he returned on his back, leaning against a pillow.

A worry suddenly shot through his body. He wasn't so drunk that he couldn't think straight. Though he hadn't been able to locate his friend in the past hour, Jeno – and the rest of his family – was not very far away.

“Maybe lock the door?” he said, before Angie got a chance to do anything else.

If Angie hadn't already made up her mind to seduce and pleasure the young man, this certainly cemented things. If Winwin wanted this, despite them both being drunk, she saw no reason whatsoever to hold back on her own desires.

Angie quickly stood up, walked to the door, turned the lock and returned to the bed. Winwin's heart was beating fast, and it was when she locked the door that he truly realized that this was really happening.

He lay completely still on the pillow, with his legs slightly spread and his head raised to get a better view of the older woman as she returned to his crotch.

Angie, in turn, smiled and looked him in the eye when she slowly started to unbuckle his belt and undo his pants.

Winwin still showed no signs of wanting her to stop. In fact, he too smiled wide when Angie pulled down his zipper, and his underwear and the boner underneath it were exposed.

Angie wrapped her fingers around the shaft, and traced the outline of it through the fabric. Winwin suddenly tilted his head back and moaned.

“Ohhh,” he moaned. The pulsing shaft throbbed as blood came rushing to it. “Holy shit!”

Angie saw it as an invitation to continue, and to go further still. She began stroking the outline faster and faster with her fingers. The seam of the underwear slid further and further down, until suddenly the dick head jumped free.

When she saw it, Angie wasted no time. She leaned forward between Winwin's legs and kissed it.

Winwin opened his eyes wide and glanced down. Angie stared back at him, happy and with a seductive expression.

“Ahhh,” Winwin moaned again, as Angie kissed his cock a second time and let the head slide a little further between her lips.

They sat like this for several minutes, Winwin moaning softly without moving a muscle, while Angie took his head and shaft a little deeper each time she came down on his cock. The underwear kept sliding down, until Angie eventually stopped and sat up straight.

She grabbed the open pants and seam of the underwear, and suddenly pulled them further down his legs. Winwin lifted his ass to help her, and his clothes came all the way over his knees and down to his ankles.

Angie had a huge smirk on her face. The shaft was long and hard, resting on Winwin's stomach. Her revealing blouse showcased her large breasts, and she caught Winwin looking at them. He was leaning on his elbows to get a better view, and had a big smile on his face too.

The glass of water Winwin had emptied had helped, and he honestly believed that his mind was completely clear and aware. He didn't feel at all drunk in the moment. But he wouldn't fully realize what had happened, and what he'd been doing, until the following day when the headache kicked in and the memories of the evening came rushing back.

Now, in the heat of the moment, he felt sober, incredibly horny and better than ever. Angie sucking his cock and taking his clothes off was the most amazing, arousing thing that had ever happened in his life. For now, that was.

And thanks to this belief, and his reaction to what she was doing to him, Angie felt no need at all to stop. Their age was just a number, she figured, and in this case that was certainly true. They both wanted one another desperately.

Once she’d helped Winwin get his pants and socks completely off, Angie leaned back in and swallowed his dick whole.

“Holy fuck,” Winwin groaned when she sucked him.

“Shhh,” Angie whispered and grinned. Perhaps she knew that what she was doing wasn't quite right after all.

“Sorry,” Winwin said and giggled. He worked hard to remain silent while Angie continued to work her magic on him.

“Mmm, I'm gonna come,” he suddenly warned. This prompted Angie to stop. She had young meat in her hands, and she certainly wasn’t about to let things end so quickly.

She grabbed Winwin's shaft by the root, and held it pointing straight up while she let her lips slide tightly up it one last time, until the head popped out of her mouth.

Then she sat up straight. Their eyes met again, and Winwin was mezmerized when the hot woman began to unbutton her blouse. He lay there and watched with his mouth half open as her breasts and bra were revealed.

When the blouse was fully open, Angie slid it over her shoulders and took it off. Then she reached behind her back and undid the bra, which she let fall slowly into her lap.

Winwin nearly gasped. The boner moved up and down as it throbbed repeatedly, even though no one was touching it.

“Do you like what you see?” Angie asked seductively.

“Yeah,” Winwin whispered. This was certainly the most thrilling and arousing sexual experience he'd ever had in his young life.

Angie tossed her clothes aside and sat up on all fours. Slowly she started crawling toward Winwin, her breasts hovering above his crotch, stomach and chest as she moved. When she was directly above his face, she leaned down and kissed him the lips.

The pair quickly began to make out. “Touch me,” Angie said in between their wet kisses.

Winwin quickly raised his hands, and found the breasts dangling above him. He slowly lifted and lowered his hips in the air, as the feeling of Angie's soft tissue in his hands sent an incredible sensation to his dick.

Angie soon lowered herself onto the man. She spread her legs wide, and pressed her pelvis down on his crotch. The boner was squeezed between her body and his stomach. Her breasts rubbed against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her back.

“Mmm,” Angie said.

“Ohh, ahh,” Winwin moaned repeatedly.

Jeno, and what he would think of all this, had long since left his mind entirely.

As time went on, however, Winwin became quite aware of the situation. Angie was amazing, felt great and was unlike any woman Winwin had ever touched in the past. But he wanted more, and suddenly Jeno did cross his mind after all.

It was not a thought of regret or worry about what his friend might think that came knocking, however. In fact, Winwin felt very sure that Jeno wouldn't approve, and rightfully so. Instead, it was the realization that they were in Jeno's childhood home, that they could indeed be caught, and that if he wanted things to go further they'd need to be quick about it. The wonderful moment could be over in a heartbeat if they got caught.

And so, Winwin suddenly stopped kissing and exploring Angie's body with his hands, and asked: “Can I have sex with you?”

The question came out in a way that revealed that he was in fact an innocent, somewhat inexperienced and totally out of his depth young man, in the hands of a much more mature woman. It was the tone of his voice, the uncertainty yet eager spirit in it, that revealed to Angie the she was the one in complete control here. Winwin lay half naked at her disposal, and he wanted nothing else in the whole world than to lay with her.

That's why she asked, for good measure and despite already knowing the answer: “Do you want to?”

“Yeah,” Winwin said, suddenly worried that Angie didn't want the same thing.

“Then yes,” Angie said and smiled calmly. “You can.”

Winwin was beyond himself with excitement, and a sudden passion took hold of him. Now that his wish had been validated, a switch flipped inside him and he finally started taking initiative on his own.

When he leapt up to kiss the woman, she giggled at the sudden move. When he pressed his body closer against hers she rolled on her side as if he was the one guidning her. In reality, her much larger body still overpowered his, and all Winwin was really doing was go with her flow.

Angie lay down on her back, and reached down to pull down her pants. Her thighs were wide and powerful, and her shaved pussy broad and sloppy. Winwin was surprised by what it looked like as he glanced down between her legs, not because it was unusual but because all he'd ever seen before was that of petite girls his own age.

“Take off your shirt,” Angie prompted when she herself was fully nude. Winwin did as he was told, and pulled the shirt over his head as he sat on his knees with his thighs raised straight up.

For a brief moment, Angie admired his body and realized that such a young, hot man was interested in her of all people. I still got it, she thought to herself, as if Winwin was some goal she’d accomplished.

She most certainly did still have it. Winwin hadn't been this aroused in his life.

The sex starts here…

The man's slim body stretched out long when the shirt came off. The hard shaft pointed straight out and swung from side to side as they moved on the mattress. Angie spread her legs wide, and when Winwin was completely naked too, he quickly came down on top of her.

For a minute, they resumed the kissing and Angie was suddenly the one to lay completely still. Perhaps she too was somewhat in disbelief that the much younger man was so turned on by her. She didn't want this to end. She wanted to feel young, and Winwin made her feel exactly that in a way no amounts of makeup, plastic surgery or tight clothes ever could.

As much as their brief time together got Winwin to mature over night, it made Angie feel two decades younger in a heartbeat. It was indeed amazing for both of them.

While they kissed and rubbed their bodies together, Angie spread her large thighs wider, and Winwin squirmed with increasingly broad and intense movements between them. His hands were all over her breasts, and he occasionally leaned down to kiss their nipples.

Angie soon resumed her gentle moaning. “Mmm,” she repeated with her eyes closed. The man felt so small but powerful on top of her.

“Ohhh,” Winwin sighed occasionally.

Until suddenly, he stopped breathing altogether, when he felt something shift between his legs. The dick head had unexpectedly penetrated the vagina, and his shaft was pushed far inside so suddenly he hadn’t even realized what was happening.

The change made Angie feel wilder, braver and hornier than she already was. The family outside was entirely forgotten at this point.

“Oh yeah!” she exclaimed. “Oh yeah, fuck me!”

It was the first time Winwin experienced any kind of dirty talk in bed. All his previous times had been very quiet affairs. It was another reason Angie etched herself onto his brain, and the evening became such a strong memory for him.

“Ahhh,” he moaned a little louder, encouraged by Angie's words. He stopped squirming so much, and instead fell into a steady rhythm. “Ahh, ahh, ahh,” he repeated each time his ass pushed down and his shaft slid back inside the sloppy pussy.

In comparison to her size, Angie realized that Winwin's cock was tiny. She hadn't thought about it before, considering that for his body he had a perfectly respectable tool. But Angie wasn't as tight as she'd once been, and when his body was on top of hers she became very aware of how small Winwin actually was.

She suddenly stopped moaning as she contemplated this. The man kept thrusting into her, and groaning at an increasing volume, poking his tiny head in and out of her. While he was between her legs and lay on top of her wide chest and hips, she toyed with the thought that Winwin was just a little twig spurting out of a large tree trunk.

The thought made her giggle unexpectedly, which prompted Winwin to stop and look up.

“I'm sorry,” Angie quickly said and smiled. “I just thought of something funny.”

That was all Winwin needed to hear. He had no further questions. He was drunk and happy, naked with an older woman, fucking her while aroused to an extent he'd never been before. To him and his young mind, this was as close to paradise as anyone could get. The thought that maybe he wasn't very good at pleasuring a strong and experienced woman like Angie hadn't even crossed his mind, and it never would.

To be fair, Angie quickly realized that her mind had drifted, and she wanted the man to feel good about himself. And so, as Winwin resumed the up and down movements of his adorable ass and his small pecker poked back inside her, she quickly started moaning again. Louder and louder, with more passion each time, to show Winwin how much she loved it.

It worked. Winwin genuinely felt like he was a total stud. He was more than pleased with his performance, and was sure that he made Angie feel as good as she made him.

He did, however, climax sooner than he'd liked. He didn't think about it in the moment, but for years following this sexual encounter it was something he often regretted. He sometimes wondered if his premature ejaculation was the reason Angie never wanted to see him again. It wasn’t, but he didn’t know for sure.

When Angie moaned louder and started rolling her hips under him, Winwin thrust a little faster. As he rubbed his shaft again and again against her insides he soon stopped moaning himself, only panting heavily into Angie's ear.

He eventually held his breath and kept his body completely still, only moving his ass up and down at a fast and steady pace. Angie sensed the change in him and knew that he was close to coming.

“Come for me baby,” she whispered. Winwin took it as another sign that she loved the way he made her feel, but it could just as well be that her mind had drifted again and that by now she just wanted it to end. The truth was somewhere in between.

“Ohhh,” Winwin suddenly moaned. “Ahh, aahh, Ahh, Ahhh!”

Angie held on tight around his tiny body when he released inside her. “Mmmm, oh yeah,” she said when he came, to solidify his belief that it felt incredible to her.

“Ahhh,” Winwin repeated a few more times, while he kept moving his ass at the same steady pace. His slower and slower moans and the fact that his dick was gradually growing soft inside her were the only real signs to Angie that he'd finished.

“Wow, you're amazing!” she said when she felt his muscles relax and the weight of his body increase on her.

“So are you,” Winwin panted in her ear. “Holy shit!”

Angie giggled while Winwin caught his breath.

“That was so good,” he continued.

“Yeah, it was,” Angie said. Considering how young and desired Winwin made her feel, it really wasn't a lie at all.

When he returned to his senses, Winwin suddenly felt very tired. The water Angie had given him had quickly evaporated, as his body exerted itself through the physical activity they'd just engaged in, and because it worked so hard to fight the alcohol flowing through his blood.

When he felt his eyelids closing, he quickly sat up and pulled his now slack dick out of Angie's vagina. She quickly glanced down between his legs to catch one last glimpse of the young meat.

“You still need rest,” Angie said when Winwin collapsed on his stomach beside her on the bed.

Winwin didn't respond, which made Angie smile wide. He's so adorable, she thought to herself, and for the first time she noticed his cute ears.

“You can get some sleep here,” Angie said, but Winwin was already out cold.

Slowly as not to wake him, Angie got out of bed and found her clothes on the floor. She put them on while occasionally glancing at Winwin's bare back and the flat ass on her bed.

When she was done, she took the duvet and gently placed it over him. She walked to the door and turned off the light which had been on the whole time.

Carefully, she peaked into the hallway outside. The coast was clear. She stepped out of the room, quickly closed the door behind her, and went back to the party which was still going strong. She acted as if nothing had happened at all, like she’d just been to the bathroom or something.

On the dance floor, she ran into Jeno and his sister.

“Have you seen Winwin?” the sister asked eagerly.

“Yeah,” Angie replied with a big grin on her face. “I found him in the hallway, so drunk and tired he was almost passed out. I put him to sleep in my room. I'll stay on the couch tonight, if I'll sleep at all, because this party is wild! Come on Jeno, dance with me!”

Jeno laughed at his silly aunt, and quickly started dancing with her. But then his sister interrupted them: “I should go check on him,” she said with a seriously concerned expression.

“No, don't!” Angie exclaimed with a little too much haste. She quickly composed herself. “He’s fine. Let him sleep it off. You'll see him in the morning.”

The sister wasn’t convinced.

“Don’t disturb him, okay?” Angie said with a stern look and placed a hand on her niece's shoulder. “I know what it's like to be a hormonal teenager.”

“Alright, alright,” the sister said. ”Jeez!”

“Now dance with us!” Angie said and smiled wide once more, to lighten the mood.

For a few seconds, Jeno had found his aunt's reaction and tone of voice odd when she talked about his friend, but the thought never fully registered in his dunken mind. Now, the aunt had cast her charming spell on him and his sister, and the family danced and laughed and celebrated long into the night. Winwin would never know how she saved him, but the truth is that she did.

At some point, the night and party came to an end. Some of the many guests went home one by one, others went to bed in various rooms around the big house. Jeno and his sister too eventually called it a night.

The music had long since stopped and the house had become quiet when Angie pulled a blanket over herself and quickly passed out on the couch.

*****

Winwin woke up with the pounding headache he should have expected. For a moment, he had no idea where he was. The door was closed, the lights were off, but the sun peaked through the curtains of a nearby window.

He felt cold yet sticky. The duvet had been kicked to the floor by his feet and he had a faint memory of sweating profusely in the night, when the alcohol started to leave his beat body.

He was surprised to find himself completely naked and exposed. Then he suddenly remembered Angie, and the amazing sex they'd had. He smiled wide to himself, before a worry rushed over him. The door probably wasn't locked. Had anybody come to check on him and seen him butt naked in Angie’s bed? Did Jeno know what they had done?

He picked the duvet up form the floor, then stayed in bed for half an hour as he slowly came to his senses. Then he turned and found a woman's watch on the bedside table. He picked it up too and checked the time.

It was well past noon. He had no idea how everyone else was doing, who was awake and – if anyone – who was still asleep.

Eventually he got the strength and willpower to get up. He rummaged around for a bit and found his clothes scattered on the floor. He put them on slowly while holding on to the bed, the room still spinning, then quickly fixed his messy hair before he built up the courage to open the door and step outside.

At first, the house seemed empty. Then he heard voices coming from the kitchen. When he entered it, Jeno and his mother looked up and smiled at him. Jeno's sister quickly lit up, and became giddy with excitement. Jeno's father looked wide awake but only had a faint smile on his face. And Angie, who was sitting at the far end of the table, newly showered and in a fresh set of colorful and revealing clothes, smiled too but did a good job at looking casual and indifferent.

“Morning,” Jeno's mother said.

“Good morning Sicheng!” the sister blurted out. Her genuine thrill to see him was hard to miss.

“Morning,” Angie muttered, still smiling faintly.

“Morning,” Winwin said and mustered a smile himself. He casually pulled out a chair, then looked at Jeno's mother. “Happy birthday again, and thank you for letting me come.”

“Thank you,” the mother replied. ”It's always nice to meet Jeno's friends, right honey?”

The father looked up and grunted. Perhaps he wasn't so wide awake after all. A memory of him letting it loose on the dance floor suddenly appeared in Winwin's head.

“Very nice,” Angie said when her brother-in-law didn't speak, but quickly realized that maybe if there was one time in her life she should stay silent, it was now.

Winwin glanced at her chest, then quickly caught himself. “You're a great family,” he said. ”And that was quite a party.”

“Quite the party indeed,” Angie said in a low voice, to no one in particular.

“I'm sorry I made you sleep on the couch,” Winwin said to acknowledge her. He too wanted to appear casual, but on the inside he was beyond himself with excitement that he'd gotten to have sex with her.

“That's alright,” Angie said. “I got to spend some time in bed before you came crashing in.”

Winwin grinned, as the memory of the door opening and him falling on the floor came back to him. He looked around and caught Jeno glaring, then quickly wiped the smile off his face.

“Thank you for inviting me, Jeno,” he said to brush it off.

“You're welcome,” Jeno said.

The mother got up and offered their guest something to eat, and soon the whole family were talking as they all gradually came back to life. Winwin and Angie stayed mostly quiet through the lunch, but occasionally caught the other looking.

As great and surprisingly wild as the party had been, the time with Angie was what would forever stay in Winwin's mind, and what would make him horny late at night for many years to come. It was the first and last time he’d get to touch the older woman. But it certainly wasn’t the last time she made him come, and that, my friends, is why this has been Winwin’s most memorable sexual experience.

This was the last story in my series, Most Memorable Sexual Experiences of NCT. Thank you so much for liking, sharing and having followed along all this time. If you’ve missed any members or haven’t been around from the start, check out the series’ page for a list of all the stories. And if you’ve enjoyed my work, please buy me a coffee to show your support, if you can and want to.

I have many more stories in me and will probably do a similar series about a different k-pop group in the near future.

#nct smut #smut #nct #nct dirty #kpop smut #wayv #smut writing #wayv winwin #winwin smut #nct winwin #winwin #nct wayv #wayv smut #winwin wayv

7 notes · View notes

eternal-love-song · 2 years ago

Text

The Lake House

After waking up from the killing game, the participants all go to Rantaro's family lake house to try and heal. Miu, Kokichi and Angie have some growing pains as they try to heal together.

[Kokichi/Miu/Angie]

[VR AU, Recovery, Domestic, OT3, Polyamory, Developing Relationship, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanism, Everyone Needs a Hug, Insecurity, Misunderstandings]

o The Morning Cigarettes tasted like shit. It was a special brand of torture that he'd begun to put himself through after a few weeks spending too much time with Ryoma and Shuichi. They'd been a bad influence and he'd caught their coping mechanism a month after waking up. Better than Miu who'd dragged Korekiyo and Maki into their habit of hard drinking, not as good as Rantaro who smoked much better things than cigarettes. Better still was Kaito, Tenko, and Gonta who had taken up running with a zeal that was probably worse than all the previous methods but technically better in the long run.

Kokichi watched the sunrise as he blew smoke rings into the air. He was keeping his mind focused on the little things. The way the cold, early morning air bit at his skin, the slight burn as he took a drag on his cigarette, the way the smoke looked as he exhaled in front of the sunrise, the feel of the wood underneath his thighs. He'd been up for hours, surviving on coffee, micro naps, and the prolonged noise of everyone around him blissfully preventing him from sleeping. It was better than he had expected. Better than being at that stupid "hospital" run by Danganronpa.

When team Danganronpa told them they were getting kinked out after only two weeks, Kokichi had thought he was going to lose it. As much as he had hated being there, they had no memories and a pinata full of trauma waiting to be cracked out at the lightest tap, setting them all loose was probably the stupidest thing they could do. Kokichi had yelled, Kaito had punched one of the orderlies in the face, and Tenko flipped every nurse that approached them all for a full day regardless of gender. Rantaro was the one that saved the day, telling them all that his parents had offered their lake house to him while he recovered and he wanted to take them all with him.

Korekiyo had tried to decline until Miu got him drunk enough to have a breakdown and the rest of them had swept in with their headpats and kind words, while Angie had given him a sharp enough rebuke to make him feel like he wasn't getting away with literal murder. (Which, really, they all were in a way. Not just the blackened, but Shuichi for solving the crimes and sending his friends to their deaths, Maki and Ryoma for having the memories of doing so many murders, Him and Miu and Kaede for planning one, there were very few of them that could be called innocent here.) Himiko had to be dragged here, since she'd woken up with a renewed lack of vigor, knowing that everything had been for nothing. It was all kind of depressing really. He was kind of depressing. The only fun thing he'd really done since waking up was setting Tsumugi's shoes on fire before he left the facility. While she was wearing them. He hopes she ends up with a weird scar that reminds her of him and how shitty she is, but he knows that people like that don't feel guilt so there's point in trying.

He could hear the runners causing a ruckus down by the lake. Gripping the wooden railing of the deck and leaning forward, he could just about see them. It looked like one of them had tripped, but he was too far to see who. He saw the three of them running more often than not. They got up early and he stayed up late, so it was almost inevitable. Well, if staying up late was the same as not sleeping, at least. He thought it was. The noise they made kept him more grounded than staying in the quiet house while everyone was sleeping and smoking gave him an excuse to sit around doing nothing without too many people deciding to bother him.

"Here the fuck you are."

Seems he spoke too soon. He looked over his shoulder to see Miu, bleary eyed and messy haired, wearing a large t-shirt and shorts to sleep in as she stumbled out onto the deck. His lips curled up in a sardonic smirk. "Here I am."

"Why the fuck are you up so early?" she asked as she stumbled over to him.

"None of your business, cunt."

Miu smacked her hand against his face tiredly before dropping next to him and putting her head in his lap. "Stupid fucking asshole, making me look for you when I'm already goddamn tired."

By tired, she meant hung over. He'd seen her pass out around three in the morning with a bottle of vodka still in her hand and Himiko curled up on the table next to her. Himiko was a surprisingly energetic drunk, but only between three and five drinks, then it was just a bell curve.

Kokichi brushed her hair down with one hand. "No one told you to come looking for me."

"Shut up," she mumbled, pressing her face into his thighs. "Dreamed that your dumbass drowned in the lake."

Miu had been having dreams about his death since waking up. He supposed it was guilt even though she hadn't actually lived to see her plan come to fruition. Some nights not even passing out was enough to stop her feeling like shit and then she woke up and came crawling around him as if he could make her pathetic ass feel better when he couldn't even help himself.

"How'd I get in the lake?" he asked idly, keeping his eyes on the last lines of the sunrise. The sky was almost fully blue by this point and he always missed the pinks and purples of the early morning.

"You walked."

"Oh." Kokichi lowered the cigarette from his lips and rest his arm on the deck railing above his head. He supposed he couldn't blame her for that. He hadn't been much like himself since waking up, not that anyone really was.

Miu grabbed hold of his shirt and he could feel wetness slowly dripping onto his thighs. He pretended not to notice. Kokichi never knew what to do when Miu cried and now was no different. He just continued stroking her head in lieu of having any else to offer her.

"I'm not going to walk into the lake," he told her. "Not my preferred method of death." He thought it was supposed to be comfort or a joke, but even Kokichi would admit that he wasn't really sure.

"That's what I'm afraid of," she told him. "You'll pick the worst fucking thing you can think of and I might not even find out."

Yeah, that sounded like him. He leaned his head against the railing and put out his cigarette on his thigh, quick and hard. He jerked at the burn but stayed silent, another bad habit he had picked up. He told himself that it was safer than putting it out against the deck and ignored that he might have done it for any other reason. He dropped the unlit cigarette beside him so that if it spontaneously relit itself, he'd be the first to burst into flames and he could push Miu away from him. She didn't deserve to die another stupid death.

"Not too many bad ways I could die out here," he told her. "Once you take out the lake."

"You'd find a way," she told him.

Nice that she thought so highly of him when it was too late to be helpful. Kokichi closed his eyes and tried to push that thought away. Miu was his friend or something, best not to have those kinds of thoughts cluttering him up. Best to think as little as possible, really, since thinking had only ever gone badly for him. Just keep his eyes closed, listen to the idiots down by the lake, and stroke Miu's hair until she stopped leaking on him. Small things. Easy things.

By the time Kokichi opened his eyes again, the sky was fully blue and the runners were opening the door behind him to go back into the house. Miu was asleep again and his hand ached for a cigarette.

o The Afternoon The lake house was huge. It had two floors and a basement, enough bedrooms that they could all have a room to themselves but none of them did. Himiko wasn't allowed to stay in a room by herself. The girl had regressed so far in her depression that no one felt comfortable leaving her alone and she bounced between sleeping with Kirumi, Maki, or Gonta. The former two were forceful enough to actually get the girl moving and taking care of herself again, while the latter was so gentle with her that it seemed to guilt her into taking care of herself a little on her own. Miu had chosen a room in the basement, but she usually passed out either drinking in the rec room or passed out in her makeshift lab, a space that she shared with Angie herself or sometimes Kiibo.

Kaede spent more nights on the couch in the living room and others would join her if they had trouble sleeping or just didn't want to be alone. Angie had spent quite a few nights herself squeezing onto the couch with Kaede, unable to sleep well until she had someone beside her. The rare nights Kaede did sleep in an actual bed though, she shared with Tenko. Everyone had agreed that the girl was too indulgent to be trusted with Himiko, not that Tenko had tried to get close to her anymore. A lot of people had drifted away from those they'd hung around in the killing game. Korekiyo couldn't look at any of the girls that he'd considered "respectable" without flinching, Maki avoiding Kaito whenever possible, and Kaede and Shuichi wouldn't sit alone together in the same room.

Angie thought that it would be good in the long run. If Rantaro inviting them all here didn't prove it, then everyone accepting did, they were all too tangled up in each other after what had happened to just break away and that meant they needed to learn how to grow around each other. Angie thought that it was a good sign and she was jumping into it without looking back.

"It's too early to be drinking, Miu," Angie said as she walked into the room that Miu had turned into a makeshift lab. Half the room was messy with tools and electronics and various devices that Miu had begun to half heartedly tear apart. The other half of the room was crowded with paints, canvases, stacks of paper, and pencils.

Kokichi sometimes came in here with them to scribble on the stacks of paper, make a blueprint of something for Miu to build, or even just draw with her. It was one of the things that made Angie smile the most, Kokichi pushing his way into this space with Miu and Angie. In return, Angie had slowly been trying to push her way into the space that Kokichi and Miu shared, since when either of them actually spent any time in one of the bedrooms, they did so together. Angie had been moving between the couch with Kaede and the revolving door of Rantaro's room, which was open to anyone and everyone, but she'd made a decision a week after being here and was still working toward making that a reality.

"Screw you, give that back!" Miu yelled, jumping out of her seat and trying to grab the bottle.

Angie danced away from her easily. "Nope, nope, nope! If you're going to be drinking anyway, you aren't going to do it this early in the day."

"You're not the damn boss of me!"

Angie smiled at her and leaned to one side. "Well someone has to be, right?" She leaned to the other side. "You want someone to take care of you, don't you?"

Miu shrank back from her, biting her lip and avoiding Angie's eyes. "You don't know anything."

"Angie thinks that she knows you pretty well. Miu isn't very subtle, after all."

Miu flinched for a moment before pulling her cloak of bravado around her once more. "No one asked you!" she yelled. "Even if I did want someone telling me what to do, I wouldn't want to listen to your dizzy ass."

"Don't say things that you don't mean, Miu." Angie smiled wider, leaning forward as she glared at the girl. "Or else god will punish you."

Miu jumped back. "Fuck! You and Kokichi both with that shit!"

Angie put the bottle on top of the bookshelf, out of Miu's immediate reach. Then she turned around and gave Miu her normal smile, ignoring the wary look that still lingered on Miu';s face. "If you want something to drink, why don't you come have a cup of tea with me?"

"I don't want any damn tea," Miu muttered. "I want to get drunk off my ass."

Angie skipped over to Miu, taking her hand and pulling her along. "Too bad!"

Angie was pretty sure that Miu hadn't had anything to eat today and would be sick to her stomach if Angie let her drink. She couldn't just bring Miu food though. The girl liked to be stubborn, so Angie had to work in stages and the first stage was to get Miu to the kitchen. Even though Miu groaned and dragged her feet, she still followed Angie into the kitchen.

The kitchen was empty. Angie had waited until after Kirumi had come and gone so that she wouldn't be in the maid's way. Kirumi had come a long way in her insistence of serving others, but it was clear that cooking and cleaning were things that she enjoyed doing even when she wasn't doing it for others, so no one felt like they needed to try and stop her. Kirumi had also gotten much better at accepting their help when it was offered and everyone considered that a success.

Angie pushed Miu into a chair, the girl grunting at the rough treatment. "What kind of tea do you want?" Angie asked.

"The Irish kind," Miu said with a pout.

"That's coffee," she replied. "And Angie's not giving you alcohol, so try again. "

"Ugghh," Miu groaned loudly. "Fine. Whatever. Something with caffeine, I guess."

Angie chose pomegranate tea and went to work making it, humming as she did so. She could hear Miu tapping restless on the table but Angie didn't pay any mind to it. The inventor was hungry for attention at all times, Angie had learned that if she waited long enough, Miu would talk to her and doing things that way usually made them easier.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Miu asked quietly.

"Angie's doing exactly what she wants to be doing." She brought two cups of tea to the table, along with milk, sugar, and honey.

Miu huffed as she pulled her tea cup toward her, squeezing a generous amount of honey into her tea. "Of course the god freak wants to be around me when the twerp I want to be around is ignoring me."

Angie stirred a few teaspoons of sugar into her own drink. "Did you and Kokichi have a fight?"

Miu frowned as she stared into her tea. "All we do is fight. If we were fighting, things would be normal. I don't know what's wrong with that damn brat, he's just been staring at nothing all damn day."

"Maybe he's upset."

Miu slammed her hands on the table, spilling some of her tea. "We're all fucking upset!"

"And you think that means he shouldn't have any reason to ignore you?" Angie asked. She watched as Miu's face crumpled and she pushed herself away from the table, stomping over to the counter to retrieve a rag. Angie sipped at her tea while she waited for Miu's response.

Miu began wiping the spilled liquid from the table, keeping her gaze down and avoiding Angie's eyes. "He does," Miu said softly. "He has plenty of reasons to ignore me. I tried to fucking..." She tossed the rag to the side and slumped back into her chair. "We're the only fucking friendship to survive the stupid killing game! Kiibo doesn't want me to so much as look at his paneling and Gonta never eve3n comess into the damn basement because he knows I'm always down there."

Angie nodded. It was nothing that she hadn't noticed. No one liked to talk about the killing game, some of them danced around the topic like it was taboo. While Angie didn't know everything, she hadn't even heard Kokichi mentioning the killing game since leaving the facility. It was difficult to look someone in the eye when they knew you at your worst, or when they caused you to be your worst self. Angie wasn't really like that. She wanted to seek the other out even more, be even closer to them. She recalled dying all alone, being isolated because she had pushed so many people away, and she reached out for people all the more furiously.

No, she wasn't trying to take care of Himiko, but that's because Himiko wouldn't benefit from Angie trying to get close to her right now. She didn't talk to Korekiyo because he looked like he might throw up when she stayed in the same room with her too long. Tenko and Kiibo and Gonta all acted awkward around her. they were the ones that weren't ready for her and she respected that. That was why she had ended up spending so much time with Miu and Kokichi. Miu needed someone to take care of her and even though she and Kokichi had tangled themselves up together, they weren't helping each other, just holding on. Kokichi wasn't reaching out to anyone or pushing anyone away, he was just standing still. That made it easy for Angie to stand with him, to weave her way between him and Miu.

"Are you worried that he'll start to push you away?" Angie asked.

"He always is! He's... if everyone else has already... What makes us so damn different?" Miu demanded, tears in her eyes. "Why did I think that we would be able to hold on when everyone else..." Miu swiped her hand over the table, flinging the tea cup to the floor and causing it to shatter on the ground. "I hate this! I hate this so much. All I do is drink, have nightmares, and fucking cry."

Angie got up from the table and went to Miu's side, wrapping the girl up in a hug. It wasn't like the divine embraces that she had offered to her student council. It wasn't pretty and comforting, it was tight and desperate and more than a little clingy. Angie wanted to comfort Miu, but she knew that she was the one that really needed this hug, that was desperate to have someone to hold onto to.

Miu didn't hug her back, but she didn't push Angie away either. Just beat her fist on the table as she cried. "Why did I try to kill someone that I lo--" Miu cut herself off with a sob and Angie held her tighter. She hoped that she was helping. Wanted so much to be helpful enough that the girl would stop pushing her away, enough that she would be able to weave herself around her, around someone, anyone, and maybe they would hold on to her back.

o The Night The basement was kind of crowded. While a lot of people either avoided the basement or had better things to do during the day, the night was different. During the night Korekiyo would come to sit and drink with her, lamenting over the things he thought in the game and trying to drink enough to drown the voice of his "sister" out of his head. Himiko would come down to either drink or find a secluded corner to hide in until one of the people that had chosen to watch her came to collect her. Rantaro would sometimes come down there to smoke, wanting to get everyone out of the bottle for a night with a different offer of to calm everyone down, and it was fifty fifty whether or not she'd actually put the bottle down. Sometimes one or two others would drift down but those were the usual suspects.

It was late now. She'd seen Angie upstairs curled around Kaede on the couch when Miu refused to turn in around midnight. Kokichi had been in some depressing talk on the deck with Shuichi and Ryoma around one. Maki had scooped up Himiko before two.

It was close to or after three in the morning now. Rantaro had followed Korekiyo to his room more than ten minutes ago and she was just... sitting here. She felt too sick to keep drinking. If even thought too hard about the bottle in her hand she'd probably puke, but that didn't mean that she wasn't tempted. At least if she was busy bending over a toilet she'd be too busy to think about how quiet it was now, how restless she felt, how lonely... It seemed like Angie was only ever around when she didn't want to deal with the bitch, but the moment Miu actually wanted some company the ditzy bitch was shaking up with someone else. Typical. Fucking typical.

Miu punched a wall. She took a shot that had her throwing up ten minutes later, then she broke the mirror on her way out of the bathroom.

"Wow Miu, I didn't think you were ugly enough to break a mirror just by looking at them."

Miu instinctively hid her hand before she turned around to look at the little gremlin. "Thought you were busy taking it up the ass with Ryoma or whatever."

Kokichi smirked at her, but his heart wasn't in it. It almost never was nowadays. "Oh yeah, you know I can't sleep right unless I'm full up on both ends."

"You never fucking sleep," she spat.

Kokichi smiled as if she'd proven his point. She guessed she'd had.

Miu tried to brush past him. "Outta my way, you damn abortion."

Kokichi slammed his hand against the wall, blocking the doorway and glaring at her. "Show me your hand, you cow. You think I'm stupid?"

Miu thought about arguing. She thought about trying to kick Kokichi to the curb like he did to her. But... he didn't kick her to the curb. He was here. Even though he could be sucking dick upstairs, he still came to check on her, and damn if she didn't want to cry in pure relieve over that fact alone. She huffed as she held out her hand. The light caught on a few small pieces of glass that had embedded themselves in her skin.

Kokichi grabbed her wrist and pulled her over to the counter. "The fuck did you think you were going to do? Go to bed and roll in glass shards?"

"I didn't see them," she muttered.

Kokichi rolled his eyes as he bent over her hand, pulling out tweezers from someone and picking out the tiny shards of glass. "Surprised you can see anything with how fucking bloodshot your eyes are. Drinking, crying, sleep deprivation, whatever the hell Rantaro probably gave you."

"You're one to talk. You avoid the bed like you owe it money."

"Yeah, it mugged me last Tuesday, I've never been the same."

Miu was quiet for a moment, just listening to the soft plink of glass hitting the sink. "You could talk to me, you know," she said quietly.

"Oh, like how you talk to me?"

"Fuck you, I talk!"

"You walk around the subject just like every damn body else," he said, slamming the tweezers down on the sink. "And you think if you get to the bottom of enough bottles you'll stop feeling guilty, but you fucking won't. You tried to kill me, Miu! And you failed. Get the fuck over it."

Miu inhaled sharply, feeling tears stinging at her eyes the way his words stung at her heart. Rather than recoil though, she felt herself picking up her own weapons to fight back. "Like you're so much better? You smoke half a damn pack a day and think that's going to help anyone. Learn anything staring at the fucking sky all day? You're even more of a damn load than you were in the killing game."

"Good thing someone finally had the guts to squish me flat," Kokichi hissed. "Maybe if you're lucky someone will do the job right this time and put us both out of our misery!"

"Stop it!" They both turned to see Angie standing in the doorway. She looked angry like Miu had never seen her before as she took in the situation before her. "Why are you doing this?"

Miu avoided her eyes. "It's not your damn business."

Angie ignored her, stomping over to Kokichi and pulling him into a hug, much like she had done to Miu earlier. "Angie isn't going to let you die. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever."

"You think you get a say?" Kokichi asked. He didn't return the hug. Neither did Miu. God, it was so stupidly painful to watch the way she tried to pull them close to her. She should know they didn't have anything to give her. They didn't even have anything to give each other. All they were good for breaking. Objects, each other, all they ever did was break and shatter and ruin whatever the hell they touched. It made her sick. It was no wonder Kokichi would rather fucking die than be with her.

Without thinking, she slammed her hand against the wall again. It hurt and left a smear of blood on the light blue paint, but she didn't care. She did it again. And again. She kept doing it until she felt two sets of arms wrapping around her.

"What the fuck are you doing, you stupid whore?" Kokichi yelled. His voice sounded more panicked than angry, but Miu didn't care.

"Shut up! Just shut the hell up!" Miu yelled. "If you hate me so much then stop fucking--"

"I don't hate you, you dumb bitch!"

"You do!" She pulled away from them both to whirl around on Kokichi. "You avoid me. You leave in the middle of the night. You don't trust me enough to sleep with me because you think I'll--"

"That's not on you!" Kokichi yelled. "My problems are my own damn problems."

"I gave you those problems!"

Kokichi tackled her hard enough to knock the breath out of her and she found herself pinned against the wall, wrapped in his arms. "I love you, you fucking bitch! Alright? Are you fucking happy now?" Miu felt stunned. Kokichi was gripping her like he thought she'd crumble to dust in his arms. She guessed that between the two of them, only one of them had lived through the other's death. "You're such a headache, Miu. Making me say this stupid shit out loud when you should fucking know it already."

"How am I supposed to know it?" she asked, wrapping her arms around him and clinging tightly. "How I supposed to know how the fuck you feel, huh?"

"Shut up!"

They stayed that way for a long time, helplessly clinging to each other. When she finally looked up, she was surprised to see that Angie was still. She'd retreated to the doorway, but she was watching them with dull, glassy eyes. The look was... Miu could admit that it scared her a little. She didn't know how to describe it.

"A-Angie?"

Kokichi squeezed her tighter for a moment before he pulled away and looked over his shoulder to see Angie. He marched over to her, grabbed Angie arm and yanked her over to the toilet. He put down the lid, pushed Angie onto it, and then pushed Miu onto her lap.

"Hey!" Miu objected.

Angie's arms went around her and she could feel the girl crying behind her. It made her stiffen and she shot Kokichi a panicked look.

Kokichi just shook his head. He reached into the cabinet for the disinfectant and bandages, holding his hand out for hers. Miu gave it to him without complaint.

"I don't sleep," he said quietly, "Because if I sleep, I'll have nightmares. I'll remember the press coming down on me or the sharpness of the arrows, or the poison, or being fucking choked all the goddamn time. I'll wake up wanting to wrap a cord around someone's neck so they know what it's like or wanting to crush them. I'll wake up kicking and screaming because feeling any pressure remind me of being fucking crushed."

"You never told me that," she said softly.

"Yeah, well you never asked," he said sharply. She winced, both from his words and the sting of the disinfectant he sprayed on her knuckles. "And I haven't slept properly since we left the facility, so..." He let out a harsh breath. "I don't know, maybe it would be fucking different now. Maybe not. I thought Angie sleeping with you would be enough."

Miu squirmed a bit, being reminded that she was in the girl's arms. She was so quiet and still, it was freaking Miu out a bit. "She's not even with me all the time," Miu mumbled.

"Do you want her to be?" Kokichi asked, raising an eyebrow.

"H-huh?" she squeaked.

"Do you want Angie to be with you more?" he asked.

Miu began wringing her hands. "W-well, I..."

Kokichi rolled his eyes and went back to wrapping her hand. "That's your fucking problem, you never say what the hell you want. You make us fucking guess and then Angie feels left out and I... and I have to say stupid shit that I don't want to say."

"Angie doesn't want to be alone," the girl said quietly from behind Miu. "She just... wants to help."

"You were upstairs with that piano bitch," Miu argued.

"You pushed Angie away when she tried to get you to bed earlier," she said. "But Angie came back."

Miu sighed and leaned back in Angie's arms. She did come back. Kokichi came back, too. No one else really gave a damn about her and even those that did... Rantaro chose Korekiyo over her every time and Kirumi chose Himiko.

"I'm an asshole," Miu sighed.

"Yeah," Kokichi agreed. "Wanna state the obvious some more?"

"Fuck you," she said, though her heart wasn't in it anymore. Miu was tired. She was tired and it felt good to be held and it was probably four in the morning by now and she wanted to sleep. She grabbed Kokichi's hand. "Stay with me?"

"That's not a good idea."

Angie reached out to take Kokichi's other hand. "You listened to Angie when she had her breakdown," the girl said softly. Miu wondered when the hell this had happened, but she did know that the two of them spent a lot of time in the lab together. A lot could have happened while she was chasing her way through bottles. "Angie doesn't mind if you kick her out of bed or scream."

"You're completely batty," Kokichi said.

Miu looked over her shoulder in time to see Angie smile. "She knows."

Kokichi sighed. "Well clearly the two of us are too fucked up to be on our own."

"Everyone here is fucked up," Miu said. Not even Kirumi was immune to nightmares and bad blood. Everyone knew that guilt was the reason she was taking care of Himiko, because she was the only one that wouldn't complain about her help on some level. Kaede couldn't stand to look at Rantaro or Shuichi too long without crying. She'd caught Kaito staring at Kokichi and looking sick more times than she could count. None of them were okay. Maybe they never would be. But they could try. Miu wanted to fucking try!

Kokichi sighed again. "Yeah," he said, taking a deep breath. "Let's go to bed."

Miu stood up, Angie keeping an arm around her as she followed. They all retreated into the room that Miu had claimed. The room that she had been thinking of as hers and Kokichi's, even though he rarely slept in there with her. She was surprised to realize that Angie's things were just as equally scattered around as Kokichi's. There were canvases that Angie painted on the walls, paintbrushes on the night stands, her yellow coat thrown over a chair. Miu felt like such an asshole for trying to push her away so often.

"Angie likes to be squished," she said, looking directly at Kokichi as she said so.

"Then you get to go on the bottom," he replied.

"The fuck does that mean?" Miu asked. "What are we stacking on top of each other in a damn line?"

"Is that not how you sleep?" Kokichi asked.

Angie laughed, falling onto the bed and tugging Miu with her. She pulled Miu's head onto her chest and wrapped one leg around Miu's waist. Miu blushed. "The fuck!"

Angie just laughed at her and stroked her hair. "Just relax Miu, everything is fine."

Kokichi perched on the edge of the bed behind Angie, propping himself up against the wall. He placed a hand on Angie's shoulder and smiled at them both. "If I fall asleep, I'll either fall on you both and crush you or I'll fall out the bed and die."

Angie pulled on one of his arms until she had him in a death drip. "There. Now you'll definitely crush us."

Kokichi laughed and Miu found herself relaxing more and more. She wasn't losing anything. She wouldn't.

"I love you too," she said quietly.

Kokichi pretended not to hear her, but she met his eyes and he looked away too quietly. He heard her.

Angie nuzzled her. "Angie may not love you both yet, but she wants to."

Miu burrowed closer at those words. She didn't think anyone had ever wanted to love her. Kokichi did, but she knew that both of them had wound up with their feelings after kicking and screaming the whole way down. It was a different feeling to have someone choose you. Choose you at your worst, too.

"Yeah, well, I'm not saying that again," Kokichi told her. "So you'd better get good at picking up context clues."

Angie giggles. "Angie thinks she'll manage."

Miu closed her eyes. This was good. This could be really good.

#ELS Writing #Ounaga #Irouma #Irunaga #Kokichi Ouma #Miu Iruma #Angie Yonaga #Danganronpa V3 #Fanfiction #OT3s Are My Heart #polyamory #Angiemiu #Irounaga

14 notes · View notes

jodilin65 · 10 years ago

Text

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31, 2014 Andy really annoys the shit out of me with all his pics on Ask that include jokes and comments about race. I’ve told him a million times I’m sick to death of hearing about race, but it’s like he doesn’t give a shit. I know he has serious memory issues, but come on, how many times do I need to tell the guy before it sinks in? Maybe my lack of commenting about it and checking into Ask less often will drive it home, if my suspicions are correct about him trying to annoy me. If he is trying to annoy me, though, then that kind of tells me something about his character that isn’t very good. True friends shouldn’t deliberately annoy each other like this, should they?

Still worrying about my health/medication issues and still trying to tell myself that I’m not going to drop dead and that sooner or later it will be resolved. I just don’t know how or when. Either way, it’s not easy to just tell myself this just like I couldn’t just “tell” myself the sky is really neon yellow with hot pink polka dots. No one would ever have a negative emotion or concern in the world if it were that simple. Instead, I’m trying to keep as busy as I can to distract myself from focusing on it too much.

I’m still 99% sure one of these drugs was responsible for the anxiety attacks, and as Tom and I agree, we need to get the doctors to consider how I feel and not a bunch of numbers on a blood test. Remember, when I first went to the doctor it wasn’t because I felt bad, it was because my body wouldn’t respond to diet and exercise and I wanted to know why. I also hadn’t had a check-up in a million years.

Meanwhile, I still have my various aches and pains – a funny feeling on my tongue, irritation in my throat, neck pain, mosquito bites, head rushes – and I still wonder if I’m under some kind of new curse. I broke the money curse, though, and I’ll break this one too, if I have to. Really, I just want a day without aches, pains and worries! Just one day.

Since everything is thrown off when you’re not treating hypothyroidism, my period is late, not surprisingly, but that’s nothing. Why do women have to get periods beyond their childbearing years anyway? Even if I’d been as fertile as a rabbit, no one can get knocked up at 48, almost 49, years of age.

Last night at 9:30 I heard a guy shouting somewhere in back. I couldn’t tell if he was pissed, drunk or scared, like something was wrong with someone or something like that and he was freaking out.

The lady across the street took off a couple of days ago for the holiday, and next door’s been quiet at least for today. They haven’t had company and they haven’t come and gone like they usually do, but I’m sure the garage activities, along with the daily outings will resume come Tuesday. I should be sleeping through most of it. I slept forever last night so I’ve got to start setting alarms to help hold my schedule till my appointment.

I woke up a few times here and there, as usual, and had a million dreams. I know I had a few that my dentist was in, but the only one I remember is her sending a letter saying she was dropping all patients who needed 3 or more shots of Novocain during procedures, LOL.

Why, though, do I dream of this particular doctor more than any other? Doctors C and D have only starred in one dream so far that I can recall.

When I think of people like Angelina Jolie, I don’t envy them for the reasons most people do, though I also admit I’m not a celebrity worshipper to begin with and haven’t been for nearly two decades now. I don’t envy Angie for her fame and beauty; I envy her for the money and support she has. I’d HATE to be famous and not be able to go to the freaking store in peace. I don’t care who knows what about me for the most part, or what people think of me, but I can’t imagine having to take bodyguards everywhere I went so people wouldn’t hound me. I also don’t care about my appearance as much as how I feel. But what I WOULD love to have when Tom and I grow old and are facing the end is more money and support than we could ever need like she has. I can’t imagine her ever not having enough money for whatever medical expenses arise, and between all those kids she has and other people she knows, I can’t imagine her not having more than sufficient support when she’s old, ill or dying.

I realize, however, that even if all my friends were suddenly in my town – everyone I know from the US to other countries – it wouldn’t be fair of me to count on them in the end. Those that were still alive, anyway. They’d have their own lives to worry about after all. But will we at least have money to hire the help we may need? That remains to be seen. Just because we’re doing ok now doesn’t mean we always will be.

On a more fun note, we made a huge Amazon order of both fun stuff and necessities. Bedding for the rats, Co-Q10 supplements for Tom, blue cushions for our stools, and a 200-dollar trimming package for all these damn shrubs and bushes. It would cost a million times more to have everything removed and gravel put in its place. Even just getting rid of our one tree would cost a lot more. So that’s why Tom got a kit with a pole saw so he doesn’t have to climb dangerously high to trim branches. There are 8 tools in all, and we have 5 months to pay for everything.

I got patchouli wax melts, a small brass erotic figurine, and a bigger erotic one that’s painted.

We started painting over the kitchen wallboard design with a sunny shade of yellow and were disappointed to find it was much tougher to do than we thought. We knew it wouldn’t be a quick and simple job just because of all the damn edging involved going around counter baseboards, cabinets and the window, but the surface is basically the same material as the unpainted paneling. We’re just not getting good coverage with a brush. We need to pick up some mini rollers. Tom’s going to grab some stuff tomorrow.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2014 Took my statin for the first time in days at 5:30 pm. An hour later I figured I’d be just fine. Sure enough, though, at 8:30, I was just finishing up a movie I was watching when it got me. My head rushed with dizziness and then a few seconds later my heart ramped up into the 120s.

I ran and woke Tom up who’d just fallen asleep and said, “Holy shit, she may’ve been right!”

“Who may’ve been right?” he asked.

“One of my longtime followers. The older lady I told you about.”

Fortunately for me, the attack didn’t last long and I didn’t have to take a chill pill. Makes me wonder, though, just how long it would’ve gone on had Tom not been around to help calm me down.

So I messaged Tammy to see if she’s heard of any connection between anxiety, racing hearts and all that shit, and she not only didn’t know I was on statin drugs, but she confirmed that yes there is, even though the biggest complaint with that drug are severe muscle aches. She also said that if anything the statins are more likely to be causing my side effects than the levothyroxine.

To me, the statins both do and don’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that it would take 5 months to get me, although some side effects are a long time in coming from what research Tom did. He didn't find anything that linked anxiety to statins, but did find that it can deplete your body's Co-Q10 over time (Tom takes Co-Q10 supplements so he's not as tired). It can also mess with your memory.

All I know is that all this medical drama is really starting to get to me. I'm tired of the stress, the worrying and the depression. I just want to enjoy my life! All I know is that I’m not taking shit till I see the doctor on Wednesday, then I'll decide from there what to do based on what she says. Worst case scenario I give up on this shit altogether. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem really is to throw in the towel and just not deal with it. I’d rather not because that’s still asking for trouble. The question is which one will give me the most trouble, especially in the near future. If I’m going to have a sudden heart attack and die before I know what hit me in 10 years, I’d rather that than suffer now.

Tom still thinks it's a combination of things causing it and not just one single thing. We know I'm prone to tachycardia cuz other things have raced my heart out before. I was once on theophylline for the asthma back when I smoked and that made my heart race along with the various inhalers I was on. So it doesn't take much to get my heart going.

So Mommy Dearest has the early stages of esophageal cancer. She emailed Aly to say that she was pissed that Molly broadcasted the news to the whole world and is shutting her Facebook account down and kicking her offline yet again. What’s creepy is that she emailed her at an address she KNOWS Molly isn’t aware of. I always did think she was a stalker and wondered how many of my my-diary accounts and other accounts she was able to hunt down and find on her own. Molly’s got to have gotten her crazy, stalkerish ways from somewhere.

Cancer as a whole may be a shitty thing, but it’s hard to really feel much sympathy for such a mean old bully who was almost as bad as her own daughter. It’s in its early stages, though. She’ll live.

Went to Goodwill and Michael's earlier and that helped take my mind off of things for a while. We got several fun things and it all cost less than $25. I got a mug with pink flowers, silver and clear acrylic gems for the base of one of the fake palms, a large shiny gemstone that can be used as a paperweight, and a very shiny bracelet. You know I love shiny, colorful things!

On the way back there were about half a dozen kids playing in one of the bigger common areas not close to our house. They were all about the same size and age of maybe 5 or 6. I’d have been so pissed if I were in one of the surrounding houses because that’s just so mainstream and so not what I think of when I think adult community. It was the weekend and they were visiting, but I still wouldn’t have liked it even though their screaming would’ve been easier to block out with sound machines than car doors. Car doors really vibrate the place with a jolt much in the way slamming an interior door does.

Speaking of kids, someone at work was selling cookbooks for their kid and I wasn’t too thrilled with Tom for getting one. For one, the workplace isn’t the place to sell things any more than school is an appropriate place for religion when there are churches for that. Secondly, neither of us cook! I can see wanting to support kids and their schools and all that, but I still think he should’ve passed it up.

I never could get into cooking. Not only is it too hot here most of the year for that, but most recipes require so many ingredients, some of which I dislike like lemon juice, salt and pepper, and there’s a lot of measuring and counting, something I suck at. Tom’s better with numbers and he likes salt and pepper just fine, but he doesn’t like a lot of things in general. He hates chicken and fish. He’s not a fan of vegetables either unless it’s potatoes. So even dishes like beef and broccoli would be out of the question.

Had a shitty dream last night. In one we were still living with Jesse who was suddenly starting this new job and anxious for us to move all of a sudden. I told him it may take 2 to 4 months and asked if he was going to kick us out. He seemed like he was considering it and I was following him around the land as we talked, only the land in the dream had several small ponds on it.

Next thing I know Tom and I are homeless and supposedly “voluntarily” trapped in a loony bin. Because we had no place to go, they were going to kill us. At some point in the dream, I found a cell phone on the floor and struggled to try to remember Tammy's number. I wanted to call her and get word to her about what was going on. “Nobody will ever know what happened to us if I don’t,” I said to Tom.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2014 Getting more nervous as my doctor’s appointment nears. I know it’s silly and I shouldn’t. It’s not like I’m going to be sentenced in court for something. I’m just going to see if I can get help adjusting my medication or not.

As for people and body parts annoying me, I had a scratchy throat and heartburn last night (heartburn is also connected to hypothyroidism), but the feeling of a lump being in my throat went away.

It was still a bit scratchy when I got up, but a throat lozenge helped with that. I considered breaking my levothyroxine pills in half and starting that tonight along with the statins, but IDK. I’m so afraid to treat it and I’m so afraid not to, even though I went years before I even knew about this thing.

Anyway, all was quiet next door till they took off shortly before 11am. Not long afterward I went out on my bike down and up the steepest hills in the park. I love coasting down that hill! It’s like a giant slide or a mini rollercoaster. Other than having to break for speed bumps, I just let the bike pretty much take me down the hill. I did a shortened version of my usual route. Not just because I didn’t want to overdo it, but also because I didn’t want to burn either.

I was a bit surprised to find my heart was doing 147 when I got in, but it dropped quickly. Then again, I have fallen out of shape a bit since this shit with the side effects has caused me to slow down the exercise.

So I’m lying in bed to catch my breath and relax a bit before tackling the laundry when I hear subtle movements outside. “Let me go see if they’re back already, or if I’m losing my mind,” I thought to myself, and sure enough, they were already back. It’s cooler today too, and this means an extension of the garage activities. I’ve heard a bike pump and a vehicle door slam, but all other sounds have been drowned out with rain and thunder vids.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 2014 Once again, quite thanks to my 80-something neighbors who have more energy than your average 20-year-old, I am in the laundry room to escape whatever the hell it is they've been doing in that garage of theirs. I just can't figure it out. There doesn't seem to be enough stuff in there to organize in the first place. It's a single-car garage, so it's not very big. They can't be renovating it to use as another room since it's not climate controlled, and I doubt they'd want to always have to keep their vehicle in the carport, but this is really getting old. They have a right to do whatever it is they're doing, but I have a right not to hear it, don't I? She asks me if I can hear them doing their laundry at 6am, then gets noisier??? I don't get it.

I just worry they're going to start waking me up as I sleep later. If I keep hearing a lot of movement over there for another week or two, I'm sure they won't mind my asking what's up. That way I can get a sense of what's going on and if it's to be a regular thing. I just hope he's not getting into some kind of woodworking project, cuz that's likely to be an ongoing thing if he's going to try to sell whatever it is he makes or something like that. I did hear something running while in the master shower and then some hammering from the laundry room, though I do admit that could've been from anywhere.

The rooms that face their place are the master bed and bath, the kitchen, and part of the living room. The kitchen, living and dining area are all one big huge area with the only "divider" being the bookcase and counter.

Later…

Had to take a chill pill last night not so much for anxiety but because I couldn't sleep. I took it just after midnight. I like this stuff way better than Benadryl and Melatonin. Benadryl dries my mouth and Melatonin breaks up my sleep for an hour or so and can give me a headache. The lorazepam doesn't make me sleep forever either and awake feeling rested rather than groggy.

Yesterday my ear/jaw started acting up and I took an ibuprofen. Figures I couldn’t go a whole fucking day without something, huh? Today I’m fine, though, save for a slight lump-in-the-throat sensation that could be anything. My thyroid couldn’t enlarge itself in just 6 months, and would push outward and not against my trachea anyway.

While I may feel ok, my mind still races with worries. How in the world can I ever get myself to just live in the moment? There is so much to enjoy in the present – big things, little things – but I’ll never be able to fully enjoy them as long as I’m worrying… will these doctors really be willing to work with me? Or will we have to start the whole pain-in-the-ass process all over again to find someone who will? I have more confidence in my PCP than in my endo specialist. My endo doc seems to not only lack compassion but she made it seem like my only alternative would be very hard to regulate. So I think that if anyone’s going to be stubborn and put up resistance, it would be her. It’s a business same as any other and they quite often want to do what makes them the most money as opposed to what’s best for the patient.

I just want to enjoy this upcoming 3-day weekend without worrying what health issues we may have now and which ones we may get later on down the road! For years it was anger issues, now it’s worry-wart issues.

Later…

I am sooo happy for my sister! The house has closed and her husband will be down to join her next week. Wish I could be there for the happy reunion!

I chatted with Nane yesterday and had to laugh at the shitty weather she complains about. She’ll be heading somewhere into the sun soon enough, she told me, but doesn’t know where.

Thanks to those who gave me the hair and toilet advice. :) One suggests draining the toilet bowls and soaking those stubborn water stain lines with white vinegar-soaked paper towels, and another suggests Damage Therapy Clear Hair & Scalp Therapy shampoo to help my thinning hair. She had chemo for a while and so she knows all about thinning hair. In my case, it’s caused by the hypothyroidism. The meds can add to it, too. Since we plan on replacing both these old shitters, though, I think I’ll let the water stains live on. I’ll remember it for when the new ones get build-up.

I was working on my story when it hit me - an earthquake takes place in the story… and then one wakes me up for real. Weird. Real weird. And it’s not the first time life has imitated my creative works either.

Last night I was reading about palm reading for the first time in a while, and following the illustrations and what they could possibly mean. I guess a long lifeline doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll live a long life. I asked Andy if he believed in palm reading. He saw one in 1991 after moving to Arizona and the palm reader told him I'd move there within 1 year. Well, I moved there June 9, 1992 and didn’t know I’d be going there till a week or two before I actually made the move.

I’m not sure that I believe in this any more than I believe in gods, ghosts and angels. At least not without some serious direct experience or some scientific evidence to back it up. Besides, even if I knew for sure there was a God, I still say it’s mostly an unfair and cruel one given all the atrocities and tragedies that occur in life.

I’m reading a really good book now called Fractured Persona where this guy in California gets in a car accident and goes into a coma. He awakens in some other guy’s body in North Carolina and is told his wife (who’s not really his wife) actually beat him unconscious. So now he’s got to go along with it so he doesn’t get thrown in the loony bin.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 2014 Believe it or not, I'm in Windows for the first time since we took our laptop to Hawaii. Although it may have improved, it's still not as secure as Macs, so I gotta be careful where I go and what I do.

It's weird being back in Windows and takes some getting used to. There are a couple of features I do miss, like how you can customize colors easier and I like how it puts what's open in little icons down below so I don't have to zoom out to get to things like I do on the Mac. The two aren't really overly different once you get used to them. The X to close windows is on the right for Windows and the left for Mac, though on the Mac it's a red dot, not an X. Time up top on the Mac, down below on Windows…

Like most people, I was resistant to change until the Windows viruses drove me crazy enough to go Mac and be virus-free as we have since I won them in 2008. Damn, I miss winning! But that's a whole 'nother story. Another thing I dislike about Windows is having to turn the thing off before bed.

Anyway, this computer, which they gave him at work, is actually super nice. Windows 7 Professional, I believe it is. It's in the laundry room, which also has a built-in desk. The keyboard is a bit high, but hey, they just didn't anticipate computers like this in 1983 when our house was built. I'm "training" this computer to know and remember my sites. So it doesn't feel stuffy in this room, I put the fan on auto.

Decided I was feeling better enough and was ready to expand my bike ride a bit to something between the circle and going around the entire park. There are now 3 houses for sale on this street, so I noticed. The sun was blinding but my heart was fine. If it wasn't the meds beating the shit out of my heart then I'm not short. Sure enough, as I did my final loop around the circle, Bob was entering the garage from the door in back. That's why I'm in the laundry room on the other side of the house. My 80-something neighbors have simply gotten a wee bit too active for me during the morning hours. I'll be in here till around noon. I just can't concentrate as well on my work with them slamming doors over there like they have been. Tom thinks it's just that getting the new oven inspired them to clean up a bit and get organized and that they'll settle down soon. I hope so! I'd rather work in my usual spot than in here, though this is better than nothing.

I'm actually typing this up as a draft in one of my writing sites, knowing I can pick it up from my Mac and copy it elsewhere. I can do the same here, it's just easier than going through our network. I have to, though, to get at things like my story doc. I'll probably work on my story most of the morning. I'll still hear some things from in here like car doors and maybe landscaping, but nothing major. The lady in the house straight across from the window behind this monitor never goes anywhere and rarely has company.

I'm not going to post this till I'm at my main computer later on cuz I don't have an electronic reader installed on here yet and I like to hear my entries as well as read them with my eyes. I hate typos so I use the Mac's built-in reader.

Making some butterfly shrimp now and sharing sweet corn with the rats, not that I expect anyone to care, LOL. The few times I have gone to the rooms alongside next door's garage I didn't hear a thing. So they wait till I get an escape plan in action before quieting down? Well, part of my job requires me to listen and watch videos so I could really do without all the bumps and bangs, as sweet as they are.

Later…

Started to worry I had a UT infection when I noticed a burning sensation when I peed yesterday (and when I first got up), and had a cramp-like feeling in my lower right abdomen. I don’t think so, though, thank God. I sure hope not! If I do then I’m going to go from wondering if there’s a medical curse on me to believing there actually is one on me. I put some of that cream down there and we’ll see. I’m still burning a little down there, but no ab pain and no discolored piss or anything like that, so that’s good.

I’m actually more worried about Tom right now than I am for myself. He first got chest pains in 2000 that he thought were heart-related but then learned it was exercise-induced asthma. Well, he’s not only had chest pains but trouble breathing as well. One time we had to go home instead of out to eat because he felt dizzy. He tells me it’s nothing and that humans simply have aches and pains and it’s part of getting older and all that, but he would say that. He would downplay things so as not to worry me. Really hope it’s just that he’s been so busy and was simply a bit tired.

While they’re no longer going to be doing Saturdays, I have mixed emotions about the weekday OT which is a forever thing with this position. We love that it’s a lot of money, but I’m not so sure I like him working 45-50 hours a week. Yes, I like my solitude and having some alone time to concentrate on my work, but I’m not sure if I want this much space. It’s easier to deal with now that I’m feeling better, though.

Been feeling better and better. No jaw pain, no pounding hearts, no nothing. So yeah, I’m either going to have to get my dose lowered or go on something else. Decided that Friday it’s back on the statins. That way Tom will have 3 days off on the off chance there are any problems. While I’d certainly rather look bad than feel bad, there’s something unnerving about losing all this hair. My once large round eyes are now nearly swollen shut in a face puffy from having this thing, and my once thick hair is thinning big time, also thanks to having this thing. How can one disease affect so many damn things??? My days of thinking hypothyroidism was only about weight are long over. I’ll probably never be able to lose weight on a lower dose, but if they can keep me from feeling like my heart is going to explode and like I’m going to suffocate, I don’t give a shit. I can at least keep myself in shape with exercise. That’s more important to me anyway. I hate not being able to do physical tasks without getting tired or out of breath so easily.

Although feeling better physically, my mind still races with worries and concerns. Not as much as yesterday, but still, I really wish I could just get this medication thing resolved so I can get on with my life without the worries, doubts and questions! Again, I don’t want to ignore my health, I just don’t want to treat it in a way that makes me feel worse than the problem itself ever could. The only so-called positive thing I can say about untreated hypothyroidism is the lighter, shorter periods. I really thought menopause was setting in.

When I came out to the kitchen to eat something shortly before 10:00, I noticed it was quiet next door as I sat at the counter. In fact, today’s the exact opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I’d never think I was in an adult community.

Bob left right before 11:00 but didn’t make a point of slamming doors several times beforehand. He just got in the SUV and left. This will probably be the last run of the day and he’ll probably go inside once he gets back as it’s warming up out there. They are definite morning people. So I’ve climbed back out of Windows and into my Mac. If we hadn’t set the Windows computer up last night they’d still be annoying over there, no doubt.

To give folks an idea of the setup here, our house is 62’ long and about 24’ wide. There are streets going by both of the short sides and one long side. That would be the back of the house. The front of the house faces the back of next door’s place.

Wondering if we need a new toilet for the master bath. We plan to eventually replace both these huge, ancient toilets, but the master one may have to be replaced sooner. After you flush it and the water stops, it’s just below the water stain line I can’t get rid of to save my life. After a while, though, the water line has crept up above the stain.

In last night’s dream, I was God knows where/how suddenly in possession of the black bitch’s computer. I was curious as to what was on it and combed through it in a way I hoped would never be discovered.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2014 No racy hearts upon waking but I had a weird experience just after midnight. A strong, steady pain in the area where the jaw connects (by my bad ear) woke me up and I had to take two ibuprofen. It was almost like when I had an infected molar, though I have no cavities much less infections that I know of in that area. It really sucked. I hope it doesn’t happen again.

I am not looking forward to next door’s bumps and bangs for the next 6 hours. By 6:30 I could already hear movement over there. They are the worst they’ve been since we moved in just over a year ago and it’s no longer just about them coming and going several times a day, but about slamming doors excessively and bopping around in their garage doing God knows what. It’s just really distracting and annoying at times, but you know Tom and Jodi can never get neighbors who aren’t so active and outdoorsy. Thank goodness they don’t have a dog! The damn thing would either be barking in the door just inside the garage or it’d be out there with them going off on whatever. Meanwhile, the sound machine or sound videos won’t block the vibration of car doors and trunks being slammed, but it’ll block other sounds they make.

Rode a mile on the bike yesterday and my heart elevated in a good way. It didn’t forget to slow down after I stopped working out and was just sitting on my ass either. Even so, I’m up nearly 3 pounds from yesterday for a few reasons. I ate like a pig yesterday. I’m retaining water like crazy now. And my metabolism is probably coming to a stop again or pretty damn close to it.

I did have a slightly racy heart later on in the day yesterday for a few hours but never had to take a chill pill. I thought I might have to in order to help me sleep, but nope. Really hope balance can be achieved as others have encouraged me it can be and that it doesn’t take too long or too much more discomfort on my part. If my only choice were to go untreated vs. put up with such intense anxiety and such heart-pounding discomfort, I’d go untreated. We’re not talking a dry mouth or some slight itching here. We’re talking major, OMG side effects.

I was surprised to hear someone say they had their thyroid removed as a teen. Wow, that young? They slack off on their meds and often go a few months without taking it. They also say they feel no different on or off the levothyroxine, which they’ve been taking for 21 years.

I rarely get headaches, but had another one yesterday. Tom thinks it’s due to a lack of caffeine. I still have caffeinated coffee, just not as often as I used to. I haven’t wanted to have any when my heart would be racing.

Later…

Just after 8:00, the door slamming started next door, so I knew that within 20 minutes or so they’d be off on their first run of the day. Hopefully, they’ll both go out together cuz whoever stays behind gets to bop around the garage and annoy the hell out of me.

I don’t know how long they were out for, but after 9:00 the SUV was just outside the garage and then I heard something loud running that might’ve been a pump. Then I opened the door and heard old '70s music playing on a radio. That could only be heard when I opened the door, but it’s the first time I’ve heard music from over there. Their trash and recycle bins are right outside the master bedroom and I saw Bob dump something in one, then enter the back of the garage, letting the screen door slam shut behind him.

I’m just tired of all the projects! They’re going to end up waking me up if they keep this shit up. They will not go indoors till after noon - 1pm, especially since we’re having a mild spell. If they’re not moving, then what the fuck’s going on over there? I’m hoping they’re just cleaning out the garage and will settle down soon, but I have a feeling that they’ll just go right into some other project, just like Jesse would always do.

Shortly after that, they had company for a while that pulled up in front of their place. It looked like their son and DIL that stayed there while they were on vacation. They were even quieter than Bob and Virginia at their quietest.

I’m just sick of all this activity right outside our front windows! It seems no matter what the age, gender, race, family size, social/economic status, we just can’t get neighbors who aren’t so damn active and outdoorsy. Still, I shouldn’t have to hear a couple of people this often who are in their 80s and not attached to us!

It’s been getting down to 73° in here in the mornings. I keep the thermostat set at 78° Pretty cool for August. I love the savings this brings to our electric bill, but not the outside activity it stirs up.

Saw Virginia leave when the Tuesday landscapers hit the house across the street. I’m guessing she left Bob behind in the garage since I think he’d be driving if he were with her. Now that the landscaping is done, though, and the temperature is climbing, maybe people will shut up around here and give me some peace. I really, really feel like I’m back in an apartment when people get to slamming their vehicle doors like they sometimes do!

Andy said maybe they'll die soon, but I wouldn't want that. They're not THAT obnoxious. Besides, something worse could end up over there.

Virginia's back. Oh, please, please pull into the garage! That would tell me they're probably done coming and going for the day. Damn! She didn't. She's in front of it. So I guess they're either going out again, still working in the garage, or both.

Anyway, I wouldn't mind them getting a cold or twisting an ankle here and there, but they don't need to die. Then I could end up with a couple with their parents/in-laws that are not only always outside and coming and going like crazy, but that also have mutts and rowdy grandkids visiting. I certainly wouldn't want that!

Later…

The SUV disappeared from the carport, but amazingly I don’t know if they went out again or pulled into the garage. I’m just glad it’s finally quieted down. This has GOT to be the noisiest day since moving here. Not just cuz of next door, but there was landscaping in front as well as the common area up the hill. Wait till the leaves start coming down. Then they’ll be out there every day without fail, rain or shine, except on Sundays. I don’t know why, but they catch the leaves faster than they can fall.

On the bright side, my anxiety is now barely noticeable. The only anxiety I have now is about what the future holds for me. People say it can be worked out, but people also said it wasn’t the meds causing my anxiety, including my doctor, and they were wrong. Sure looks that way, anyway. I don’t want to not treat my disease, but I feel so much better that a part of me is tempted to never turn to the doctors. I doubt I’ll do that, but I’m still worried about what can be done without all these issues. If my only choice is to have such killer side effects that are a million times worse than the disease itself, then it’s not worth it. Maybe I can eventually take something that won’t make me feel so awful, who knows? I just wonder if I can ever take anything ever again without fear and without being hyperaware and wondering if every little thing I feel is connected or not.

Looking back on it now, I wonder if I really did accidentally double-dose myself. Maybe it was simply the onset of the side effects I was feeling. Guess I’ll never know for sure.

Tammy left a message on the MagicJack line but I failed to get an email alert. So I chatted live with a helper on MagicCrap’s site and they reset my voicemail for me. Once my account expires in a couple of months, that’s it. I’m done with them.

Finally remembering more of my dreams again. I was in a large house or building and was the only white person present. Everyone else was black. Like most of my dreams, they consisted of a series of “scenes” that made no sense all put together. In one scene I was with a woman and a guy in their 20s. The guy was vacuuming. This seemed to be an upper floor where there were many hallways, closets and bedrooms. I shut the closet doors he’d left open when he was done after he vacuumed them out. This was in some hallway. Then I stepped into a bedroom that may’ve had more than one bed in it. I walked up to one and placed a couple of small dolls on it that were kinda ugly and didn’t seem like anything I’d collect.

In another scene, a woman asked me in an accusatory voice if I told some young guy if his “favorite” person were to be visiting. I guess they weren’t supposed to see each other or something. I shook my head, no, and the woman walked over to me and pinched my forearm. I asked her what the hell she was doing and she said it was a trick she learned to see if people were being truthful or not.

Then I was sitting on a couch between two young guys who started smoking a crack pipe. It suddenly hit me that if they got caught I would go down with them, so I said I better leave. They said they’d leave instead. I said, “Good, go,” and playfully kicked one of the guys in the ass as he rose from the couch. He wasn’t too happy about it either.

Then I was afraid of what inhaling the smoke may do to me so I quickly headed over to a big set of double doors and thought I might go outside for a walk. It was raining really hard, though. I waited a while, then when I looked outside again it was snowing, leaving me stuck with a bunch of strange, moody druggies.

Later…

Someone in the UK thinks my jaw pain was cuz I grind my teeth in my sleep, and Canada’s sure it’s TMJ. Whatever. Just as long as it doesn’t keep happening!

Someone in the US, Cali, to be exact, really thinks Nane's trying to avoid her. She just peeked in on my blog, but still… why isn’t she answering my emails? Could she really be that busy or does she just not want to dump me but not really be friends either? Either way, why do we still have to play these games at times? If her heart really isn’t in our friendship, why can’t she just come out and say so?

MONDAY, AUGUST 25, 2014 Slept well and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Haven’t taken the levothyroxine since early on the morning of the 23rd and have been better since yesterday afternoon after taking a chill pill.

I’m not 100% sure the levothyroxine was responsible for how horrible I’ve felt these last couple of months, but I’m getting closer. All I know is that the less I take of it, the better I feel. We don’t want to rule out the statins completely, though it’s highly unlikely they’re the culprit after 6 months on the same dosage. However, why it took two months after being raised from 50 to 75mcg of levothyroxine now makes sense based on the research Tom did last night. It takes that long for each new dose to work full force. I thought it took a few days to a week for the levothyroxine to leave the body, but it actually takes 2-4 months.

Those who have had their thyroid removed aren’t in danger until 2-4 months after stopping the levothyroxine, so one lousy week isn’t going to kill me. I’m not taking the stuff at all. Then come Wednesday or Thursday I’ll take the statins again and see what happens. Even my sister, who worked in nursing, thinks my levothyroxine dose is too high for my body.

At this point, knowing myself and my body as well as I do, I just don’t see how what I was feeling was any kind of psychological reaction any more than I think it was anxiety that wasn’t connected to the meds at all. But why didn’t the doctor see this?! I know doctors are only human, but still. If I wasn’t half this anxious when things were at their worst in my life, why would I be this way when they’re going great, no matter how much my subconscious may be conditioned to think I don’t deserve good things after so many years of suffering? I realize the doctor doesn’t know my life story either. Either way, I do like this doctor a lot. She’s not just a hottie, but she’s very nice and doesn’t make you feel like just another number like my Endo did, and so I’m hoping she’ll be willing to work with us (yes, I’m taking Tom in for extra support next time I see her which he’s fine with, and that way I don’t forget to relay anything to him), but if not we’ll get another doctor.

I continue to be a bit forgetful that I can’t even remember my dreams. The only one I remember from last night is seeing my dentist. Only she was a GYN and not a dentist. My hair and even my eyebrows are thinning big time and I’m still losing weight. These things are nothing, though, compared to how awful I felt. I’d rather be fat, ugly, old, dumb and poor yet healthy than to have it all while I felt like shit. I may have my anxious moments in life, but not to such a severe degree that I feel like I’m either going to die or end up in the hospital. I knew something was wrong. Never has there been a medication I’ve taken in my life with such horrible side effects. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to take a lower dose or something else entirely without worrying, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24, 2014 Took my statin last night and felt just a little anxious, but not too bad. I took a chill pill at the end of my day more because I was having trouble sleeping than because I was anxious. I crashed just before 8pm. Then somewhere between 3:00 - 3:30 my heart booms me awake. My first instinct was heavy footsteps vibrating the place, then I realized it was my heart. So now I’m wondering if maybe the statins are to blame, though it seems unlikely they’d mess with me after 6 months, if there was still enough levothyroxine in my system to cause it, if it was just anxiety alone, if something was wrong with my heart, or several factors combined. I am so sick of the confusion, the questions and the what-ifs! Tom also tossed around the possibility that maybe my adrenal gland’s a little haywire and that’s what’s causing me to wake up with a racing heart.

Then Tom got up a little after 4:00. I told him what happened and shortly after he comes running into the room and asked what time I woke up. As I told him, I couldn’t remember the exact time. Pretty sure it was no later than 3:30, though. That’s when he told me a 6.0 earthquake hit the Bay area and wondered if I wasn’t perhaps startled awake and that’s part of what made my heart take off on a run like it did, but I don’t know for sure what time I woke up like I said. Besides, even if it was the quake, I’ve been boomed awake by my heart a couple of times before. Tom, on the other hand, is such a heavy sleeper, the epicenter could be right under his bed and he’d sleep right through it.

Although I haven’t taken lorazepam since being up, I have been anxious on and off all morning. This is truly frustrating as hell. I know I’m PMSing now and that doesn’t help, but still. This isn’t like me and I miss the old me! Both Tom and Tammy assure me it can be worked out, but how? And when? She says she’ll call later with tips guaranteed to help my anxiety. Well, regardless of what may be causing it, I’ll do anything. Anything that’ll work!

Tammy pulled out her nursing books and asked me some questions about my meds and what I’ve been doing and I filled her in on dosages and how I’ve been trying different things to get at the core of the problem. She still thinks the worst thing I could do is not take the levothyroxine at all and says I should at least take it every other day. As for the statins, I don’t know what to do. This indecision is driving me crazy. I can’t wait to get in to talk to the doctor on the 3rd! I’m just sick of this shit. Totally and utterly beyond sick of it.

Later…

Right now we have more money than we need and we live in a beautiful house with more space than we need inside a safe and gorgeous gated adult community. It both saddens and frustrates me to know I can’t fully enjoy my life’s luxuries, luxuries I had to do without for so long and never thought I’d ever get to enjoy again. I have had slight but obvious waves of anxiety on and off all morning and finally took a chill pill over an hour ago. Now I feel great and the only thing to keep me from fully appreciating that is knowing it won’t last forever. Any second the tornado will be back to storm through me with its vicious slew of yucky feelings, both physical and emotional.

It is definitely looking like it was indeed the earthquake that woke me up, though, and thank goodness I didn’t know beforehand an earthquake would wake me up as I can assure you that would’ve scared the living shit out of me. Same as if someone had told me before January 14th that I would be diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I’d have been like HashiWHAT??? I’d never heard of it before, though Tom has.

Anyway, 8 people in my town have reported feeling the quake, so who knows how many others felt it that we don’t know about? Tom thinks it woke me up because I was just about due to get up anyway. I usually sleep the standard 8 hours despite not having a set schedule. I’m surprised Andy's mother and sisters didn’t feel it since they were closer to it. Hundreds of people in Sacramento reported feeling it and since I’m barely a stone’s throw over the city line, then yes, I probably did get earthquaked awake.

I still don’t know what’s going on with me and as Tom points out, I may never know. There could be so many factors causing this, but he isn’t worried because it’s nothing dangerous – no matter how lousy I may feel at times – and all I need is just minor tweaking to help me. I hope he’s right! I might have to go on full-time anti-anxiety meds, but at this point, I don’t give a shit. Whatever it takes. I don’t care if I have to live in a bottle of happy pills to stay calm and happy and I don’t care if I get addicted.

Tom and I went to Denny’s this morning. He got an omelet and I got steak and eggs. God knows we can afford it, though I went easy on the eggs due to the cholesterol. Pulling in almost $800 last week is much appreciated despite how tired he’s been and how shitty I’ve felt, and we felt we deserved a treat. We rarely dine out, but maybe just a few times a year. You never know how long you’re going to do well financially anyway, as I’ve learned. He’s made good money most of his life, but not all of it.

Not sure swapping in money problems for health problems is the better deal, but that’s just how it is. Strange how things turn out, though. In 2011 we were discussing ending it together so we wouldn’t starve to death on the streets. Now we could get a decent living room set with just one paycheck. It’s also strange, and sad, how one’s life can change in just a matter of minutes. One day I was going about living my life. I’d just made the bed up. It was 6:15 on the morning of July 9th. By 6:30, life as I knew it changed for what I hope isn’t forever.

Going to Denny’s always brings back funny memories of when Andy and I worked there back east. It wasn’t funny then, but it is now. We worked graves, and oh, the pranks we’d pull! I wasn’t always a very nice, considerate or patient person back then, and one night Andy noticed I’d been on break an awfully long time. “I’m not on break,” I told him, “I’m fired.”

Some guy was demanding ketchup like I was his slave and not his waitress when I was trying to go on break. He wanted it “right now.”

“Yeah?” I told him, “Well, I want a million bucks and I ain’t getting it. Life… you win some you lose some, buddy.”

Management – uhem – didn’t think that was a very appropriate way to handle Mr. Gimme My Damn Ketchup.

It was funny when Tom asked me something about how something was done there since “I worked there before,” and I was like, “I can’t remember half the shit that happened yesterday, so how am I supposed to remember 1989 unless it pertains to some stunt we pulled?”

It’s amazing I was able to eat my entire T-bone since the stress has been sucking up my appetite a bit. I nibble more than I eat lately. I guess it was just that good, though a bit tough, and it’s not something I have that often. I’m still losing weight, though very slowly. God knows it isn’t from working out cuz I haven’t been doing much of that. Been too afraid to, not wanting it to elevate my heart even more. Still, I’d take 100 pounds just to feel better!

Later…

I guess the quake’s epicenter was 6 miles deep and could be felt for 100 miles. 90 people have been to the hospital and tons are without power. To think that I felt my first earthquake and was awakened by it is both scary and exciting.

So many people have said that if they had to start all over again they’d never have kids because they are just so much work and money. If my rats’ could be as much work as they were this morning, I can just imagine what those with kids go through and am all the more glad I never had any. Yeah, these furry guys really made me work my butt off cleaning tubes, hideaways and burrows, not to mention changing the bedding itself.

What sucks is how winded and jittery I’ve become lately. I wonder if I’m falling out of shape due to a lack of physical activity. One of the reasons I like to keep working out, whether I lose weight or not, is to stay in shape. To be able to do things without getting tired or out of breath. I really should at least make a point of running on the treadmill if only for a few minutes a day.

Tom and I went to Raley’s because he needed cash and we got a few things there that we couldn’t get at Walmart.

Tom and I relaxed in bed reading together. Well, I read and he played a game on his tablet. I tried not to ask myself how I would ever again be able to take medication without fear. I had some back pain when I got up and wondered if I’d suspect the meds if I were still on them. I probably would. “Humans have aches and pains,” Tom reminded me, but his wife is very hyperaware now and questioning everything. God, next thing I know I’m going to be questioning a spot on the wall and wondering if it’s an alien come to study me from outer space. :(

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23, 2014 Doc Sexy has ordered me back on my thyroid pills. I awoke to a message from her saying she definitely wants to see me and to continue my thyroid meds till I see Dr. D. But why hasn’t Dr. D called with an appointment for me? I guess I gotta call her, and then there’s the thyroid ultrasound and blood work to deal with… argh! It just seems so much to deal with! :(

I feel guilty where Tom’s concerned. I feel like my problems are bringing him down. I don’t blame him if that’s the case. I just wish it would end. I want the old me back so bad. The one who didn’t have to live in the fear of her heart suddenly racing for no reason at all and feeling like she was going to suffocate or have a case of the runs.

I haven’t needed a lorazepam since I got up, and I’m trying not to think – what if the main culprit really was the levothyroxine and what if today’s the day I’d have gotten better for good but won’t know that now that I’m back on the meds?

So many fucking what-ifs and questions but seemingly never any answers! :( All I can do is hope I get through the day without any major anxiety. This should be the last Saturday Tom has to work for a while and they should be all caught up at work.

Later…

I want to once again stress to anyone who may mistake my forgetfulness for lack of caring or not paying attention, that that’s not it at all. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t bother with you. Memory loss goes hand in hand with Hashimoto’s as well as stress/anxiety, so please don’t take it personally, ok? I do care and I do try my best to remember things. If that’s not enough assurance for you then I don’t know what else I can do. I’m doing my absolute best to keep track of things here within my home and with those I connect with online. So please don’t insult me by saying I don’t care or pay attention. If you don’t know me better than that then you either need to learn what I’m all about or not be a part of my life. I don’t mean to sound harsh or offend anyone; I’m just telling it like it is. I’m doing my best!

No attacks yet today. Just the usual door and trunk slamming from next door. I saw Bob place a dolly in the back of the SUV. Shortly afterward, they both took off.

I’ve been listening to nature sounds on YouTube not just to drown out little distractions, but to see if it helps relax me. Either way, Tibetan bowls are just as pretty sounding, if not prettier, than wind chimes. One of the things I like better about the vids as opposed to the sound machines I have is that the sound machines keep playing the same short recordings over and over while the vids are multi-hour long recordings.

I still don’t know what makes me ok any more than I know what causes the attacks. I’m still torn between the meds and just a strange case of anxiety. Tom says I may never know and that it could be a spec of dirt on the floor for all we know, and that’s what makes it kinda scary. If I don’t figure it out, then how can I stop it? I just hope the fact that I haven’t needed a chill pill today isn’t because my meds are out of my system. It was only a matter of hours ago that I got Dr. C’s message telling me to continue them. I did, however, have a kiddy smoothie right before I read her message and took the damn pill. This may’ve blocked at least half or more of its absorption.

I just feel bad for Tom. His patience is waning, and not that I blame him or anything like that, but this only makes me feel worse. Feeling bad is one thing. Having it affect others is another.

Later…

My skin has been a lot less dry since returning to Curél lotion and using a creamy body wash instead of a gel wash. You would think by now I’d have learned not to deviate from what works.

I’m both thrilled and bummed to say I’ve been anxiety-free today. Thrilled for obvious reasons, but bummed cuz it only continues to scream “meds” even louder. Between now and the 3rd I’ll be composing notes to take to the doctor cuz I feel the more she knows, the more it might help me. I hate to think that the doctor was wrong while the patient was right but she doesn’t live in my body, after all, and hasn’t experienced my feelings firsthand.

The question is what to tell the doctor without giving her the impression I’m trying to defy her or imply she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Doctors are human too, and they make mistakes. I know this. But I also know that I’M the one living in my body and I know how I’ve felt, so unless I’m surprised with an attack, I trust my instincts and am leaning toward either not taking the pills at all, or taking it with a smoothie so that I get some benefits minus the killer side effects. If time keeps proving my belief to be correct, I really worry just what the hell else I can take. How can they treat me in a safe way? There are side effects and then there are side effects!

Next door had company for a while, presumably to show off the new oven. I think there was a pickup and a car at some point, but it’s been quiet for the last hour or so. I just wish they would make vehicle doors that close soundlessly with all the coming and going they do. I never met anyone in my life who didn’t want to take just one day off here and there, but I know that as annoying as it sometimes is, and as much as I don’t get it, that doesn’t make them wrong.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22, 2014 Happy 54th birthday to Nane, wherever she is. I emailed her twice but haven’t received a response. I let her know it on her wall, but that post disappeared. I’m not in the mood to play tag games with her right now. I need to get myself better.

Polly didn't return to my blog last night. She must not want that cracker, haha. I included a picture of a parrot in the post and the famous “Polly want a cracker?” thing. Of course, if I hadn't made that post in her honor she would've been. My guess is she's Pauli. That was probably a nickname of hers. I'm also guessing she may've had an abortion when she was young and she was looking to see if I knew about it and mentioned it. If I'm right, though, I don't see why it would matter to her all these years later, but who gives a shit.

Later…

Here’s the latest health update, then hopefully – hopefully – I will soon be able to talk about other things more often because my health and emotional state will be under control.

First, I’m glad my birthday picture made it to Nane's wall and that she likes it. Messages and other things are screwed up there, as usual.

I know I’ve said some negative things about doctors in general in my recent posts and that I have trust issues when it comes to them and all that. They may be doctors and they may be intelligent, but they’re still only human, and well, human beings do make mistakes at times. It isn’t that I don’t think mine know what they’re doing or that I’m afraid to trust them, but I sometimes fear the levothyroxine was more responsible for my anxiety than they may realize. Now don’t get me wrong, it was probably a number of things feeding off of each other, as Tom believes. I don’t know if he’s right about my subconscious thinking we don’t deserve to have the great life we now have, or that my subconscious was telling me the meds were bad, but I do know that it’s looking more and more like the levothyroxine really did have the biggest play in the booming heart and intense negative emotions. We do usually know ourselves best and I can truly say that I’ve never had anxiety that extreme before no matter how shitty my life has been at times. It does make sense that some substance was influencing it. I don’t think the levothyroxine was necessarily 100% responsible but it may’ve been around 80%. It’s still too soon to say for sure what things had how much of an influence on causing the shitty feeling. For once, though, it’s definitely not money. For many years, when something went wrong, it was usually about money. Now I just feel like shit. Getting better, but still not 100%.

The first half of my day yesterday sucked. Even though I sure felt like I was going to die and I knew from a logical standpoint that I wouldn’t, it was still scary as hell. Like walking into a room and finding a giant spider on the wall. You know that spider isn’t going to jump off the wall and kill you but you’re still terrified.

I spoke with one of my endo doc’s nurses, and apparently, they all keep in touch with each other as to what’s going on. I didn’t know my primary care would know I stopped the levothyroxine until I saw her in January. I didn’t think I’d hear from the endo doc again either, but the nurse told her to tell me of all the horrible and even deadly things that could go wrong if left untreated (long term, of course, and not tomorrow or next week or even next month)… enlarged thyroid, nerve damage, coma, etc.

She also had a message from my primary care saying that I needed to see her. I will be seeing her on September 3rd, but I haven’t heard back from the endo doc yet. Although she isn’t always prompt, it’s too bad I can’t be flattered that they’re trying to get me back in cuz they actually care about me when it’s probably really about money. Who knows, though, maybe they do care. Still, I know I have to put my trust in them soon enough and get this dealt with. I even postponed the dentist and my ear doc for now since this is more critical.

So anyway, I woke up with my heart a bit racy and took a chill pill. As I feel better and better and more convinced it was the levothyroxine, I can now move on to my next worry and that’s what the hell else can I take that won’t cause me to feel so lousy??? Tom and Tammy both tell me not to worry and that all I need is a minor adjustment, but I DO worry. Sometimes, seeing is believing for me, and until I can see I can treat my Hashimoto’s without feeling like I’m going to die, I cannot fully rest easy. It is a HUGE HUGE relief, however, to be feeling better. That was one of the worst physical experiences I ever had, and it was no fun emotionally either. If I could suddenly know for sure that I’d never experience it again I just might crack up in tears of relief that’s how horrible it was. It’s one more thing to add to my list of traumatic memories, but I’d rather it be a memory than a reality. If another attack does get me later on (I have, after all, falsely thought I’d seen the last of them before), then that’ll suck too, cuz then it could be almost anything. I think Tom’s right, though. It isn’t just one thing. I personally think it was mostly the levothyroxine.

I’m worried for my sister who’s understandably worried for herself who has to see her pulmonologist today. A friend’s taking her because she doesn’t want her to go alone. That’s nice of her. If I was alone and all my friends lived in town, I wonder how many of them would offer to take me if I were in her shoes?

With the way medicine is so advanced today and advancing even more, I believe they will figure something out. Even if they can’t make her better, I think they can help keep her from getting worse.

The gel nails are definitely worth the extra money. Day 5 and I have just a few chips on the tips of 3 nails on my right hand while the left hand almost looks like it was just done. It’s good for if you’re going on vacation for a week or so and you don’t want to take regular polish and make touch-ups along the way. We paid $25 for a set of a color base coat and a topcoat, plus another color base.

Saw Jim again when I was out riding earlier. Yesterday I said hello to Bob while he was puttering around in the garage. They’re getting a new oven, so I guess that’s why I’ve been hearing him in there more lately.

Later…

Without Tom and Tammy's support and constant reassurance, which we all need at times, I think I’d either be dead or in the hospital. Words cannot express how grateful I am to them for their patience and compassion.

The good news is that Tammy didn’t say she had anything terminal when she left a voice message, but she does have a lot of scarring and inflammation along the wall of her chest. Her bronchial tubes are also messed up and I guess that means mucus gets clogged in them. They’ve got her on antibiotics.

As for my case, she says my Hashimoto’s disease is causing some of my anxiety (I never had attacks like this prior to the meds, though), but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m just an anxious person; anxious over the unknown, trying to get help, etc, but the absolute worst thing I could do is stop the meds. She thinks I should take it at least every other day. I still want to wait till I see the doctor, though, which is only a couple of weeks away.

She too, recommended deep breathing and pointed out that all meds have some side effects and that I just have to mentally overcome that (HOW?). She said she goes about her day without worrying if her breathing problems are going to act up and all that, but she’s tougher than me. I feel just fine right now but what’s spoiling my chances of enjoying it fully is knowing that any second, I probably won’t be fine at all. I’m just a wimp, I guess.

I woke up with a racy heart just before midnight and was fine till around 8am when my heart raced on and off for an hour or so. It sucked but was too soon to take a chill pill. I could take one now, but now I’m ok, so I’ll skip it for now. I just miss the old me!!!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 21, 2014 So I get up, check my blog visitor list, and wowee! There's my cousin Polly again after a looong time. But wait. Could that really be the one who never gave a damn about me as a child or as an adult? OMG, you mean now she suddenly gives a shit about me and what's going on in my life?!

But, but, but, if that were the case then why did she search for herself? The fact that she doesn't have the guts to contact me directly makes me wonder just what's going on in that little brain of hers. Not only did she search for her own self, but the town I grew up in as well, and a name I do not recognize. Oh, and she searched "abortion," too. Who the hell does she think had an abortion? T'wasn't me.

Well, folks, maybe someday my dear cousin will actually become brave enough to work up the nerve to contact me and tell me why all the sudden interest in my blog. Yeah… maybe…

Later…

I wish I could report that I’m all better now. No more racy hearts, no more having the runs, no more nasty emotions. But sadly, they’re still occurring on and off. My endo doc’s nurse called asking that I call in. I will later on. Guess she doesn’t want to give up on me. Or does she not want me to give up on her? I know I canceled the appointment in a distraught state, and it’s not like I want to throw my health away and give up on my health problems. I just needed to back off the pills to try to isolate the problem, but that’s just the thing, as Tom pointed out, there is no one problem. Yeah, the meds might’ve influenced the anxiety a little, but he believes that deep down my subconscious is causing my anxiety. He believes that because I was abused and conditioned to believe that I don’t deserve good things, it could be what’s stirring up this anxiety. Things are better than ever for us right now. I do get “suspicious” when things go well after so much hardship in the past, I will admit that, but on a conscious level I definitely don’t want to suffer, and I do believe that if anyone deserves good things, it’s us. I want to breathe easy and know I can treat my disease without fear. Tom also thinks that whatever I believe will make the anxiety stop. If I believe a new medication will do the trick, then it will stop. But that’s another thing I worry about; taking new pills and wondering what they may do to me. After 3 days, though, there may not be much left in my system, which would mean it was indeed much, more anxiety than the pills. That’s WHY I stopped the pills; to see if I could narrow it down at least a little bit.

I hate having to pass messages through nurses and not being able to talk directly to the doctor, but I will call the doctor’s office once they open. They also want to schedule my ultrasound that checks for any signs of cancer or enlargement of the gland itself.

I may put my dentist appointment on hold till I get all this other shit figured out. The thyroid and anxiety are way more important than my teeth.

I just want to feel like myself again no matter what I have to do to achieve it. But I also don’t want to get so bad that Tom has to jeopardize his job to help me. Tom said I’m his number one and he can always quit and get another job in a couple of months, and while that’s really sweet of him, I don’t want it to come to that. I don’t want to end up like Robin Williams, deep in so much despair and beyond help. I don’t think I will, though. I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just want to stop feeling like shit. That’s all I want. Anything after that is just a bonus.

As I told Tammy, I’d rather be struggling in Jesse’s dumpy old trailer and wondering why the hell I was gaining weight with diet and exercise, than feeling like such shit. Kind of surprised my weight hasn’t climbed since stopping the pills, but it’s only been a few days and it’s not like I gained a pound a day. Also, the anxiety is really lowering my appetite.

I felt so good for a few hours yesterday morning after he left, rode my bike, said hello to Jim along the way who was out on his walk, then boom. Just when I thought it might be over, I was later sitting at my computer when my heart ramped itself up. I had to take a chill pill. I slept ok, though, but as soon as I got up, sure enough, my heart was racing. The chill pills don’t make me perfect but they help.

For now, Tom and I agreed to send him quick updates throughout the day so I feel less alone. He reads them on his phone when he gets the chance.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20, 2014 My day ended miserably yesterday and started off just as hellish, but first… prior to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I remember telling Tom that I wasn’t sure what would be worse… the doctors not finding anything wrong, leaving me to wonder why the hell I kept gaining weight WITH diet and exercise, or if they did indeed find something wrong. I finally decided it’d be best if they just told me my thyroid was dead so I could treat it and get on with my life without gaining any more weight. Well, they sure did, alright. Only problem is that while it did seem like a quick and simple fix at first – just swallowing a couple of pills – little did I know that I would develop anxiety worse than anything I’d ever experienced even when my life was at its worst. Like being with an abusive mother, stuck in state-run nightmares as a teen, jailed for a crime I did not commit, or poorer than poor itself.

I took the pills. I stopped gaining weight. I even lost a little, and a little is a lot at my height. But ever since July 9th, life as I’ve known it came to an end, making my weight seem like NOTHING. I still have random anxiety attacks that affect me both physically and mentally. Racing heart, feelings of suffocation, and just about every negative emotion under the sun only it’s intensified in ways I hope my readers can and will never comprehend. Nothing I do and nothing I tell myself seems to stop them and I can never know when they’re going to hit or how hard they’ll hit when they do. How severe will the panic be? How scary will it be? How much will I fear I’m going to die or end up in the hospital? When will it happen? I just can never know. The only thing I do know is that this is NO way to live.

I fell asleep at 1pm (I’m on half days/half nights right now) and could not stay asleep to save my life. I’ve always been known to wake up a few times throughout my sleep, but this was like every 20 minutes or so. At 4:15, I jumped out of bed with a racing heart and took a chill pill. Unfortunately, though, my anxiety escalated to full-blown panic before the pill could take effect and Tom left work a little early, even though he’d already done some OT.

In my state of panic, I questioned the off-chance of it being my heart and not just anxiety and he said that with all the doctors that have listened to my heart lately, that was not only unlikely but that I’d already be dead by now if it was. Hearts don’t usually act like that for months before they get you. “See, it’s calming down now that we’re talking and I’m not magic.”

I agree there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me in that sense, or life-threatening, but we’ve decided that the best thing to do is to put me in reset mode, so to speak, and let my body empty out of all its chemicals. I'm not taking anything but lorazepam when I need to relax and ibuprofen when I'm in pain, because that’s not part of this equation, as Tom pointed out. They do their job and then they leave the body. They’re not long-term like the thyroid and cholesterol meds. That’s why they took so long to catch up to me.

We now speculate it's not just one thing causing these horrible feelings, but possibly a number of things. Just the whole chemical overhaul and all that. We think that I simply made too many changes too fast and my little body simply couldn't handle all the drastic changes and that it threw my chemicals off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. So I am taking a week off from it all. A short time isn't going to cause my thyroid to kill me nor will my cholesterol jump that fast. I am watching what I eat and avoiding eggs and high-cholesterol foods for now. There are a few external anxieties as well, like not knowing what’s going on with my sister.

After a week or so, then we'll decide what's best to do once I'm in reset mode and all the drugs are out of my system. One way or another I've GOT to stop these attacks. They're crucifying in every sense of the word, having my heart race to 120 when I'm just sitting there and feeling like I can't breathe and going to die. The feeling of utter doom when my life is otherwise going great is truly debilitating and I'm determined to stop it whether that means going with no meds, different meds, homeopathic treatment… whatever it takes. I'd rather live just 5 more happy years than 30 feeling like this! It is THAT bad. All I know is I can't do too much too fast at my size. I may be 20 pounds overweight, but I'm not even 5 fucking feet.

As soon as I got up at 11pm, sure enough, my heart was booming in the 120s and I felt like shit. It’s going to take a week or so for all this shit to get out of my system. I’m just trying not to think, then what? Then what??? What if I can never treat my thyroid because everything throws off my chemicals and makes me a basket case? I’m trying to take Tom’s advice and take one day at a time without worrying about a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now. It took 4 hours but right now I feel just fine. But how will I feel in a few hours from now? That’s the scary question. I’m trying to turn those future thoughts off, but it’s not easy. One thing I can say for sure is that a part of me wishes I’d never even gone to the doctor in the first place. Ever. I would go back to living in poverty in a heartbeat to get rid of these God-awful feelings!

My mouth was dry all day yesterday too, but that was probably my fault for having too much soda and not enough water, so I’m making sure I water myself down today.

Facebook is fucked up AGAIN and Nane has been unable to see my messages, so I emailed her. I thought something was up. She and her family also vacationed up in "den Bergen." She said to check out the pics, but I don't see any on her wall. :(

What else… Bob was hammering something in his garage yesterday morning at 9:30. Then I heard what sounded like duct tape being unrolled, and then a vacuum. Really hope he doesn’t make a habit of making a racket, but that would actually be quite a luxury as opposed to these killer anxiety attacks.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014 No racy heart in the shower. I knew that wasn’t right for my heart to go on a rampage just because I showered. It probably would a little bit if I took a very hot bath or got in a Jacuzzi, but not only was that not normal, I like my showers cooler at this time of year. The swallowing issues, eye and head pressure may not have been connected, though. Can’t say for sure. I’m still frustrated over the whole thing despite feeling better without the killer heart/anxiety issues. I’m going to miss having a metabolism. But I should’ve been TOLD and WARNED. My Gosh, how could my PCP not suspect the anxiety was connected to the levothyroxine? With all the complaints similar to mine? When I asked if there were any side effects she said, “No, it just may make your heart racy.”

The correct answer would’ve been, “It may make your heart race like hell, give you the anxiety from hell, knock your hair out, and maybe give you a few other minor problems. It could get severe enough that you can’t stand to treat the disease and will therefore have to ask yourself, which is the lesser evil, the meds or the disease?”

Like I said, I’ll treat the damn disease and take my metabolism as soon as there’s a way to do it that doesn’t leave me feeling absolutely miserable, but if it exists, I don’t know about it. I appreciate the doctor fixing my ingrown toenail and taking care of my female problems, but now I’ve got trust issues when it comes to doctors. I’ll talk to Tom some more when he gets up, but if he’s not overly concerned or worried over me not taking meds, then I won’t be either. So chances are I’ll be canceling appointments.

Anyway, I took a nap for an hour and a half late at night, which is a good thing because I got up earlier than I wanted to.

Day 3 and my shiny gold gel nails show not the slightest hint of chipping.

Gonna need to really back off the high-calorie foods – sweets, pasta, pancakes and other rich foods and stick to meats, fruits and veggies.

Later…

Canceled my appointment with my endo doc online, giving a brief statement as to why.

Gonna keep taking my cholesterol medication since not treating my thyroid is only going to raise it. Since I have no side effects from the simvastatin, why let my cholesterol levels get so high?

I don’t understand, though, why Tom thinks the side effects of the levothyroxine are coming from my subconscious. If that were the case, wouldn’t I have had side effects from the start? At first I thought it was just the stress of accidentally ODing, but then I found many others said their own side effects took them a couple of months to catch up to them, too. Mine came a couple of months after she raised my dosage.

In better news, Tom got a dollar raise!

MONDAY, AUGUST 18, 2014 Tom said he read an article about a news anchorwoman who’s had anxiety all her life. Her way of dealing with it was to become an alcoholic. That’s sad.

Tom also says I’m “stronger” than that. That’s sweet of him but sometimes I don’t feel that way. I am determined, however, to get through this one way or another whether that means ultimately taking anti-anxiety medication regularly, quitting my meds, changing my meds or whatever. I don’t want to drink, of course, but I’m not going to let it rule me.

Tom assures me I’m already better than a week ago and MUCH better than a month ago. Well, I’m definitely better than a month ago since I no longer have such severe anxiety that turns into downright panic attacks. I’m no longer afraid to be alone or having to call him at work. But that underlying feeling of emotional yuckiness still comes and goes in waves and just 60 seconds of this shit can really crucify the spirit. It’s that bad, and the spontaneous racy heart is annoying as hell.

I’m just trying to keep busy and focus on happy things. I like being busy anyway, and I like being happy, too. Bad things happen in the world. It isn’t that I’m unaware of that. I just choose not to dwell on it whenever possible. It’s like knowing cigarettes are bad for you and smoking them vs. knowing they’re bad but not smoking them.

Anyway, I go to take a shower and in the shower, I’m aware of my heart accelerating a bit. I get out, see it’s 110, then I see a spider on the bedroom ceiling where it meets the wall above the bed. Next, I’m thinking, “Oh, great. This is really gonna jack the hell out of my heartbeat,” as I ran for the vacuum to suck the bastard up. But as soon as I did so and sprayed a shot of bug spray into the vacuum before turning it off, I felt perfectly calm. Calm, cool and collected after killing something I’ve always found creepy as hell. Even stranger was that I go on a bike ride on the type of terrain that should bring my heart around 120 and come home to find it’s only at 104. Interesting, huh? Well, I am strong and fit and need a more challenging route like the park’s perimeters. I’m just not brave enough yet for fear of my heartbeat going over 130-140 unless I bring Tom along. We both want to ride together more often regardless of what’s going on, but he has limited time and I have a crazy schedule, so syncing up our rides isn’t that easy.

I just wish that fucking mutt would quit going off on me and I thank goodness it can’t be heard in the house! I’d be calling that office so damn fast if I were next door. I feel bad for next door unless they’re deaf. I don’t know about that, though, cuz their front light went on for a few minutes and I’ve never known that house to have a motion sensor of any kind. They’ve definitely got the damn things (I think there may be two now) tied up in back of their carport. Either that or they’re barking through an open door/window, but I think they’re actually outside. No one came to shut them up either and certainly, someone had to have been home. What rude assholes! I only made a few rounds around the circle, mostly cuz I felt bad for anyone that was disturbed by it than I did annoyed for myself since our house is far enough away from it and I can escape the damn thing anytime I want to. It was getting late.

We’ve been talking about taking vacations (to tropical places) every January and mixing up the fun with the home improvements. The home improvements are fun too, but they are time-consuming, a pain in the ass, and costly. But so is traveling. Even a cheap trip to Florida where we flew economy and stayed in cheap motels (Tammy could feed us for the most part), would be at least $1500, and that would be more than the cost of most of what’s left on our “to do” list. The only thing that would cost as much or more than getting new carpet would be if we replaced windows and had a company rip out our too many trees, bushes and plants and replaced them with gravel or something simple like that.

Yesterday morning I did my nails in gold gel chrome. It is a bit thicker than regular polish but you can still see the ridges I have in my nails. Not as much, but still somewhat. Can’t wait to see if it really lasts longer than regular polish since this is an epoxy and not acrylic. I stuck my hands out in the bright sunlight yesterday morning as Tom was watering and that helped set the epoxy quickly. The dazzling gold was blinding in the sunlight!

Later…

Bye-bye, thyroid meds. You may’ve given me a metabolism for a while but you also made me miserable and drove me crazy. I’d rather be fat, fatigued and forgetful once again than deal with the racy heart you gave me and the anxiety from hell.

Yes, I have quit all my meds. Ah, an 84 heartbeat is much comfier than a 112. NO DOUBT whatsoever in my mind that it WAS the meds. My PCP isn’t very bright or at least isn’t very experienced with Hashimoto’s cases. I’ve read that so many others also said it took a couple of months for the symptoms to get them too, and that they did come on rather quickly when they did. As I told Tom, if he can think of some alternative that will let me treat the disease without killing me, let me know, but right now I can’t come up with anything. Other meds mean problems with doses. Numbers are critical so lowering the dose is out. I can’t “get used to it.” I could mask the symptoms with a permanent chill pill but then I will always live in a fog. I would rather feel good and have this thing kill me in 5 years than suffer the side effects for 10 or more years. It was a truly God-awful feeling. We weren’t just talking about a dry mouth or something like that. Even the hair loss was nothing compared to the anxiety, racy heart, funny feeling when I’d swallow, and eye/head pressure. Might have to work out more now to counteract the slowing metabolism and ward off joint pain. That joint pain wasn’t just age or lack of exercise, but the Hashimoto’s. I just didn’t know it at the time just like I didn’t know the hoarse voice, wimpy periods and other shit were connected.

I only ask that if I appear forgetful to friends that they keep in mind it’s not that I’m not paying attention or that I don’t care. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t bother with them in the first place.

Anyway, I know there are some risks in not treating my condition, but life is about taking risks, isn’t it? Every time you get in your car you risk getting into an accident. Every day there is a risk that a meteorite may fall on our heads. As my metabolism slows the weight gain and fatigue will return and my heart will be at risk, but if anything bad really does happen that should be years away. A coma, as the heartbeat gets slower and slower and the metabolism completely dies, should come with plenty of warning because you should feel exhausted all the time. There’s the risk of a goiter too, because the thyroid will now try to work harder to produce what it can’t produce on its own and that can enlarge it. Again, this would take years.

I realized that the only thing in the way of me feeling better was ME and that if I just stop taking the damn pills I’d be better. I’d just have the original symptoms, though they are certainly the lesser of the two evils. God still hates me but I’M in control of my life. Besides, I know He’s not going to kill me anytime soon. He can’t have fun torturing me in some way or another every few years if I’m dead.

I will survive. I will just do it in a way that doesn’t make my heart feel like it’s going to jump out of my chest.

I’m going to love being pill-free once again except for my vitamins and not having to worry about remembering to take them and what over-the-counter stuff might interact with them, though I would’ve put up with the hassle had they not made me feel the way they did.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 2014 God, I’m a real idiot! I decided to delete my group on Facebook. The way to do that is to delete your members and then yourself. Like an idiot, though, I deleted myself first. I contacted Facebook about it, but I don’t expect to hear from them. It wouldn’t hurt anything if it just sat there, so it’s not that big a deal.

Tom and I talked about the communicating through pictures thing. He is the ONLY one who knows about it and understands that it’s a psychic thing and not an imaginary friend thing or voices in my head.

Today is Tammy and Mark’s anniversary. Unfortunately for them, they can only wish each other a happy anniversary by phone.

Really worried for Tammy at this point. Her breathing test didn’t go well. She said something about how a nebulizer usually helps her improve, but this time it didn’t. I guess there is a lot of inflammation in her lungs and her immune system is shot, too. They feel it’s too risky to do anything to boost her immune system. She had a UT infection and instead of taking the week it normally takes to kill that off, it took her a month. In her words, she said she’d know more on Friday but right now it “doesn’t look good.”

But does “it doesn’t look good” mean she’ll get worse? Or just that she won’t get better?

Later…

Went to Walgreens earlier just for fun and decided to try Sally Hansen’s Miracle Gel nail polish that doesn’t require any kind of UV light, so I got a kit that comes with polish plus the top coat. I also grabbed a single bottle, so I’ve got Tidal Wave, which is like a royal blue, and Game of Chromes, a shiny gold.

Only problem is I can’t try it out now because I don’t have any nail polish remover to remove my old polish with. Tom’s going to Walmart in a few hours. I’ll probably be too tired to do them then, so I’ll wait till tomorrow. Some of the reviews I read suggest it would probably be best if I did it during the daytime and could stick my hand out in the sunlight to help it dry faster.

We also grabbed some pistachio nuts and caramel truffles, and he got a new dry-erase board to use for programming notes.

Later…

Had a great day yesterday that didn’t end quite as well. My heart raced out a bit in the end as I was trying to sleep after being up 18 hours (112). It wasn’t scary but it was annoying. I had to take a chill pill to relax enough to sleep. sighs I feel like the old me (minus the unmedicated effects of the thyroid disease) is gone forever. Tom keeps saying I’ll adapt. He doesn’t know when, but I will go longer and longer between chill pills as I get used to the thyroid bringing back my original “old self,” as funny as that may sound. The one who was naturally anxious but had learned to deal with it.

I think yesterday’s racy heart and trouble sleeping was more the junk food that I had too far into the end of my day than actual anxiety. I realize now that hoarding too much sugar when you’re naturally wound up and on a drug that’s boosting your metabolism, isn’t a very wise idea. I don’t have to throw away all my weekend snacks, but I should definitely have fewer treats. Having 5 rich truffles, then some nuts, and then trying one of the brownies Tom got, was a bit overkill. If it weren’t for the meds I’d be up a pound. Didn’t ride yesterday so I definitely want to try to get in a ride tonight.

Tom also thinks I'm "psychically acting" like change is coming, saying I'm able to sense change before it comes and then I get all antsy over it, not knowing if it's to be good or not. Well, if any of this is on account of upcoming change, I hope it's good!‎

Based on my typical time frames for sensing the unknown when it comes to change affecting us, we'd probably have found out this week if that really was the case. A win notice for me? A raise for him? Both seem doubtful right now, though I did have that dream of winning a trip, which could be a good sign.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 16, 2014 Got up a little while ago and am almost afraid to face the night ahead not knowing what anxiety/depression may hit me. It’s very random and gets me when I least expect it. I was fine when I wrote my last entry, but as the night progressed I was aware of a subtle yet distinct underlying feeling of anxiety and depression. Tom’s theory has got to be right about the old me and her chemicals being thrown off, cuz I haven’t gotten this way without a reason in centuries. Meanwhile, my life is fine. Everything’s going great. There’s no external reason, so to speak, for me to feel this way. I can totally see how it can drive some people to suicide no matter what they’ve got going for them.

Tom also believes I’ll adapt and that I will continue to get better and better. Well, the severe physical type of attack has stopped. It’s now down to just an emotional feeling. Still a shitty way to live, but at least my heart’s not booming like crazy and I’m not feeling dizzy or running to the toilet. So yeah, I’m better, but still not good. I don’t want to feel so on edge every other day or so, but I’m not sure yet if I should run to the therapist, ask my PCP for a full-time chill pill, or just give it a little more time. I wish I could quit the meds altogether but if I do that I have the original problems all over again. If anxiety comes on tonight I’m not going to wait for hours hoping it’ll get better. After an hour or so I’ll take a happy pill. I’d rather not feel bad enough to do so in the first place, but we’ll see!

Took a break from working on this entry to apply the glitter tea rose stickers above the bed, which arrived today. They look great! Stylish and colorful without adding a gaudy, circus-like touch to the room. If I had to start over again, I wouldn’t have painted the hallway such a bold shade of pink. I probably should’ve done the pale lavender there and a paler pink in the second bedroom, but oh well.

As I was applying those and waiting for my food to cook, sure enough, my anxiety and my pulse rate went up a bit. As soon as I sat down and started eating, though, I was fine. I hope Tom’s right in guessing I’ll learn to live with these meds without taking a regular chill pill or returning to the therapist, but I sometimes feel like my only options are going to be to chill pill it regularly or stop the damn meds.

I know another stupid thing I need to do is stop watching such sad stuff when I’m already feeling kind of blah. Was it really smart to watch a documentary on condemned prisoners’ final 24 hours on death row like I did last night? I was never big on the news due to its often sad and infuriating content. The problem with the Internet is that there are links everywhere, making it harder to avoid. Still, I don’t have to click on them or watch such sad and depressing stuff on YouTube. I guess I was watching these things for a while not just out of curiosity and because I like to learn, but to remind myself that things could be worse. Right now I definitely have it better than a lot of people, maybe even most. I have a sleep issue that’s debilitating, yes, and a disease that’s a pain in the arse, but I am otherwise healthy, loved, well off financially, and living in a beautiful home.

Despite how well things are going at the moment, I sometimes wish we could get the hell out of Cali. My skin is drier than dry here and we’ve had some of the scariest times ever in this state. But unless poverty revisits us and we lose the place, we should be here for over a decade.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 15, 2014 Tomorrow, which is just about to arrive in the east, Tammy will be Tom’s age.

For those of you who have asked, yes, I’m doing ok now anxiety-wise. I want to thank those that have prayed for me since this shit started over a month ago, but as always, I was on my own to work through it, and any support I did get came from those that walk on two legs and a bottle of pills. Don’t know if it’s because there is no God or at least one that doesn’t give a shit, but it was/is up to me to get through these things with the love of my good friends and family. But hey, I did survive and I will keep on surviving, and I do appreciate those who thought of me. :)

Looking at it from a logical standpoint (or at least what I personally consider logical), when you consider the fact that no God seems to give a shit about those suffering and dying from Ebola, or about the kidnapped females in Iraq, it only makes sense that none would give a shit about me. Like what would make me so special, right? That’s ok, though, for my husband’s love is what’s most important to me. Tangible beings that I can see, hug, touch and feel, along with those I can only communicate with online

I know that in today’s time, a white person who says even the slightest negative thing about the behavior of blacks is automatically presumed racist, but I don’t care. I’m not going to let popular opinion/belief stifle me from expressing myself in my own journal because I know what I really am and am not and that’s good enough for me.

I still don’t know all the particulars and while it’s sad that the black boy was shot and killed in Ferguson, it really irritates me that these incidents are always automatically labeled as racist or hate-based. Yeah, there are a lot of corrupt, trigger-happy cops out there who are high on power and have their various prejudices. Sometimes they can be worse than the civilians. No doubt about that. I’ve known this for years and haven’t been the least bit afraid to express my feelings towards cops in general. But racism makes no sense in this case. If it were all about killing innocent blacks just because they’re black the numbers would be much higher. They wouldn’t kill just one, but more like one a week or at least one a month until they were fired. In addition, how the hell can the cops always know if someone’s armed or not? If what little I heard is true, the kid gave the cops every reason to believe he was armed and dangerous. Can’t expect the cops to just stand there in cases like that.

Meanwhile, rioting every time something bad happens is never a solution. It only makes you look bad. It’s ok to be angry, but violence isn’t the way to solve problems like a few groups of people seem to think it is.

I’ll bet the cop that shot that kid is shitting in his pants at the thought of his name being released if it hasn’t been already. These days you just don’t shoot blacks and get away with it, though you’re still perfectly able to shoot all the whites you want. That’s just society’s double standards for you, only those “standards” have shifted over the years. A black person can make all the racist jokes they want at work with no repercussions whatsoever, but if a white coworker dares open their mouth, out the door they go.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 2014 Unfortunately, I got a little anxious late last night and took a happy pill shortly before bed for the first time in a week. Tom said he didn’t understand why I was so against taking them when I asked if he thought I should take one or not. It isn’t that I’m against it; it’s just that I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to.

My heart wasn’t racing and I wasn’t having those dizzy spells that make you feel like you’re going to pass out. No runs either. I just felt almost as if there was an invisible pressure on my throat and like swallowing was a touch difficult. There was an underlying feeling of apprehension I just couldn’t shake no matter how much I tried to focus on the millions of positive things going for me. The nurse was right when she said you can’t control this shit. You learn to live with it but you can never know when or where it’s going to hit you. I’m sure those who have never experienced it may be tempted to roll their eyes and say, “Get over it. Just get over it.”

Oh, how wonderful and easier life would be if we could “just get over” this or “just tell ourselves” that.

But I can and will learn to deal with it. It’s all I can do. Tom just said he read that Robin Williams was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s and that’s probably what pushed him over the edge. I wonder what additional diagnoses may push ME over the edge, but I hope I won’t have to find out. A part of me wishes I could rewind the hands of times to before January 14th when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, back to when I was pill-free save for an occasional painkiller or allergy pill. Yet while it would be nice to just stop taking pills and quit going to doctors, that would only invite the original symptoms back into my life and they would ultimately kill me. So I feel kind of stuck at times. Not exactly looking forward to what may lie ahead, but knowing I can’t go back either.

The anxiety and feelings of underlying dread and doom are getting less severe and less frequent so that much is good. Will I ever have to go back to the therapist and take full-time anxiety pills? I don’t know that yet. I hope not. I don’t want to have to spend $35 every week or two just because we can. I’d rather spend that money on things for the house and for our savings as well.

Tom and I are pretty sure that while screwing up my meds last month has a part in it, I was always naturally anxious, but I eventually got used to it and learned to live with it. Besides, we often handle things easier at 20 than at 48. Then as my thyroid died off, the anxiety went away. Remember, the thyroid affects everything and not just weight. Now that I’m on thyroid medication I’m “normal” again as far as what’s normal for me goes, and the anxiety is back and I have to learn once again to deal with it. I’m not used to feeling this degree of anxiety, not that I didn’t have my anxious moments when the shit would hit the fan in life before the diagnosis. But it was a different kind of anxiety that was less physical, if that makes any sense.

I woke up feeling a bit antsy but when Tom came home we chatted and I ate, then I felt better and decided to hold off on the chill pill. I hope I stay that way for the rest of the night!

On the bright side, I’ll probably never lose those 20 pounds with all the weekend snacking I love to do, but shouldn’t have to worry about gaining uncontrollably like I once did. Furthermore, Tom will have earned around $300 extra with just 6 hours of OT during the week, plus working Saturday. Back when he was working 10 hours during the week and 8 hours on Saturday, we could’ve lived off just the OT alone.

The extra money will help a lot because while the bulk of the home improvements is done, we still need to finish the painting, redo the kitchen ceiling, get a living room set, get a new garbage disposal, redo the floors and several other things as well. The place could use new toilets, and we still have a house and car to pay off.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2014 Even though "How is your foot?" is a simple question, it is nice that I can ask it in 5 languages (English, ASL, Spanish, Italian, German) when I am so damn dumb with numbers and other things.

Tom's feet sometimes get swollen. Oh, and the dream premonitions might be back but in a good way. At least I'm hoping that's the case. Back when there was less competition and I was able to win things more often, I would often have dreams of winning right before learning of a win. And I don't mean a little piddly win like a book or CD either. I rarely won what I dreamed of winning, but still, I hope last night's dream of winning a trip to NY (I'd try to get a cash equivalent on that one) is a sign of something good to come. If not a win then maybe a raise for Tom. When he came in I told him about the dream, and he told me that ironically, they asked if he'd be willing to do a job that pays a bit more. They are, however, not in the habit of putting their actions where their mouths are, so we don't want to get our hopes up.

Got a message from Tammy today. Andy wondered if moving to a warm climate would actually worsen her health and I asked her if she thinks that could be the case, but she’s pretty sure it’s not the weather, but all she’s had going on instead. It takes time to get settled, and she couldn’t obtain the oxygen she needs right away. I just wish she and Mark would both quit smoking and get into shape. Being in shape is more important than what the scales and inches say. She does, however, go swimming in the pool and take walks on the beach, so she’s not totally immobile.

After the house closes Mark will be going to Ohio to see his brother who is in his 70s, and his daughter Stephanie with whom he’s had numerous problems. I guess she is both mentally challenged and irresponsible. She says she hasn’t seen either of the girls, Becky rarely calls, but Sarah keeps in touch.

Walmart’s got this really neat thing going on now where if you punch in the number of your receipt online, they’ll pay you the difference of any item that was cheaper in another store. With just one receipt we got $4 in savings, though he wants to wait for it to build up a bit before he gets a gift card, which is what they give you.

Molly really has changed, considering the fact that she no longer visits my blog daily even though she can. More so is the fact that she doesn’t even seem to be contacting Alison, her main obsession, every day anymore. Maybe she’s texting or emailing her, but she’s not contacting her on Ask or Twitter regularly which I know of. I still don’t want to get too close to her, cuz she’s still always going to have a moodiness and neediness about her I could do without.

Later…

When I remember Mary I find it hard to remember the good times and not find myself resentful instead over how she used me and then falsely accused me of creating a blog to bash her with, which she supposedly learned from someone else. That is, without ever having the decency to ask me about it first. I can’t stand people with such severe trust issues that they can’t trust anyone and I mean ANYONE. I’m sorry she was burned so bad so many times by so many people, but people like that are too moody for me. She’d be amazingly compassionate one minute, then high on paranoia the next.

That wasn’t the only thing that caused me to let go of her. She not only can’t admit her faults and apologize for them, but she does nothing but use people. As wrong as it is, this too, I can understand to some degree. She has been a slave to this one or to that one for most of her life. It wasn’t until her 30s that her life finally belonged to her and even then there were still some serious restrictions. Still, while she may have a creative, intelligent and caring side, all she knows is to milk people for whatever she can get from them. She will use one bad boy’s money after another to get what she wants, even if it means putting up with some abuse. She wouldn’t stoop as low as some of her exes – gosh, I hope not anyway – but she is still attracted to what she’s always known and that’s men who will literally pay to abuse her.

She is as addicted to shopping as some people are to food. A new dress may not be worth the bloody lip it used to be worth, but a little slap is probably still worth it. At least last I knew it was from our last communications. The last guy I knew her to be with might not have actually slapped her, but I know she was afraid of him. She told me so in her own words. This was some rich drunk she was using to furnish her apartment and support her after she was fired from her job. Now if it’s a mutual Sugar Daddy agreement of sorts, that’s fine. Nothing wrong with it if both people are happy. But how can material things mean so much more than love, respect, honesty and being treated like a human being to some people??? Perhaps I am wrong to judge or question this, but hey, it’s her life. She has a right to live it as she sees fit and just because her priorities may seem a bit warped to me, I realize they may be very sensible and reasonable to her.

Funny, though, how easy it was to let go of this person I have actually met and spent so much time communicating with than it was to let go of a 6-year cyber friend of mine that I never met. I could let go if I had to, of course, but the thought of it saddens me unless there were ever worse disagreements than there have been. Some things are worth forgiving and working through, as far as I’m concerned, and some things aren’t. Still, it’s funny how some people we can get mad at and dump while others we can get mad at and not dump. Or not dump for very long anyway. I guess it just depends on how far the good exceeds the bad or vice versa.

I don’t hate Mary. Never have, never will. I hope her life is all she wants and dreams it to be. But her absence doesn’t leave me with a sense that something’s missing in my life like those few days the other person wasn’t in it.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2014 “So many people want to be ‘normal’ and so many want to stand out uniquely. I just want to be me.” ~ Another unknown tweet quoter

Andy told me in a PM that he didn’t want to say this in public for fear of offending anyone but they were sick of hearing about Robin Williams’s suicide when the guy had everything he could ever want. Yeah, I can see where some may perceive that as rather insensitive, LOL, cuz some things just aren’t that simple I’m afraid. Depression is a disease, not about being a rich, spoiled brat. It alters your mind and your way of thinking so that no matter what you may have or not have in life, you’re still depressed and if it’s severe enough you’re not very rational either. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain, not a conscious choice.

I don’t think everyone is necessarily insensitive, though, as opposed to uninformed and inexperienced. When it’s something people don’t get or haven’t experienced firsthand, they are quick to appear less than empathetic. I’ve seen the same attitude where my sleep disorder is concerned, and so have others who actually have clinical depression.

I told Tom I wondered why he hadn’t gotten help since he certainly had the money and the resources, but like he said, not everyone can be helped. Even a friend who's suffered through the same thing said one shouldn’t assume he could’ve gotten help, and then Tom reminded me of Steve Jobs. He had all the money and medical help at his fingertips yet cancer still killed him anyway. Not everything is that cut and dry. I used to think hypothyroidism was about weight when in fact it’s about a helluva lot more than just that!

What really pisses me off is how you only hear about black kids being shot by the police, and the usual talk of how oh-so-wonderful God is. Damn, does that get old! I know I shouldn’t let people’s opinions and beliefs get to me and on pretty much any subject in the world I don’t, but the God thing in particular is that one thing that really gets under my skin. Again, I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but I can’t help but take offense to hearing the very being praised that I believe sat back and allowed a lot of misery into my life. That is unless Tom’s theory is the correct one. He thinks there probably is a God but that it doesn’t play a role in our day-to-day lives. He believes the events of our lives are simply random. He said that if everyone’s life were the same, then he’d say he could see a pattern that suggested something was controlling it to be that way. But because no one’s the same, he thinks it’s all just dumb luck.

Whatever the correct theory is, I’m just sick of hearing about God. God, God, God! I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but I think we all have our pet peeves we don’t quite understand and that we can’t just chuck aside that easily. But I know that no matter how many times I tell people, hey that’s YOUR fantasy, belief, or whatever you want to call it, people are gonna do whatever they’re gonna do, so I just try to ignore it whenever possible. Still, it really gets to me at times. Like praising a woman’s rapist, you know? Imagine how she’d feel.

I didn’t read the article, so I can’t say if the black shooting victim was provoked or if it was a matter of police brutality. That’s not the point. What bothers me is knowing that if this kid was white it would never have made the news. These days when a white kid gets shot, no matter how undeserved and unprovoked it may be, no one gives a shit. They only give a shit when they’re black. As I’ve said a million times before, two wrongs don’t make a right. Favoring blacks isn’t any more ok or correct than it is to favor whites and I don’t care how not so politically correct I may sound. As usual, though, the vast majority will side with the blacks whether they’re innocent or not.

Later…

I currently have 21 finished stories and 6 unfinished, one of which I’m working on now. Just thought I’d share that interesting piece of news. :)

Andy shared some pics of his place with me the other day, which both Tom and I saw, and I must admit I was rather impressed. I thought the place would be a mess, but it wasn’t. It’s nicely decorated, and while the colors may not be me, they are definitely stylish and go well together. If you can stand that climate and to be attached to others, he’s got a great deal that would be very hard to find elsewhere.

It was only 87° today so the pool was a touch chilly. It was great for tanning, though I don’t seem to be getting any darker. Oh well. At least I’m not burning.

Rode my bike 10 times around the circle last night, which equals 2 miles. My heart rate was 120 when I got back, which is reasonable with no steep hills in that area. The weather was gorgeous, too. A bit warm for bike riding, but windy and beautiful. That mutt barked at me twice as I went by, and I thought I got a flat when I heard a loud pop, but I didn’t. The drone of freeway traffic was a bit loud but soothing.

Before taking off I felt slightly apprehensive (at the thought of how I’d feel riding alone?) but once I made a few rounds and saw that I was still feeling just fine, the feeling diminished.

Anyway, I finally got paid for my last round and jobs and ordered those stickers. Then sure enough, not even a half-hour later, more payments came in. So now I have a bit of a head start for my next goodie goal, an erotic figurine.

Decided to pass on the toe ring for now. Yes, I’m addicted to the things and can’t seem to get enough of them, but the two I currently have are enough for now. Besides, I couldn’t make up my mind just which ones I wanted and with my skinny little toes, getting one that actually fits without having to overlap the ends, can be a bit tough. 6mm seems to be a common size, but I need 5mm and even that’s slightly big.

Anyway, life is good except for loud traffic waking me up in back twice today. I don’t know why it sometimes wakes me up while other times it doesn’t. I made adjustments to the sound machine and we’ll see if that helps. That is the ONE thing I would change about this place if I could is to get rid of that street running by the bedroom! The sound machines drown out landscapers and every other sound you might hear around here, but those super loud vehicles like UPS trucks. What’s with the rise in loud vehicles anyway? Even Virginia pointed that out. You hear something that sounds like a semi or a giant RV coming down the street, but then you look out to find it’s just a pickup.

Later…

Not that agreeing with me is mandatory or anything, but I'm amazed how many agreed on my last entry pertaining to the subject of God that everyone seems to love to discuss. I totally agree with the one who said they're learning that God is the worst thing to ever happen to humanity. In many ways, this is very true when you think about it. Look what "God's" done to the twisted minds of Muslims. Maybe they'd find some other reason to slaughter people if no one had decided a God exists, but maybe not.

Also, look how many people hate gays because "God" supposedly hates them, too. I not only think this is bullshit since if there is a God I don't see why it would allow for any groups of people it hated, but I do think God can hate certain individuals. He's made that obvious enough to me since the day I was born to the wrong woman. There are worse mothers to have, but mine was bad enough.

I think people can also become delusional in the name of God. If I'm supposedly fair game to the devil for hating God, then why have the last few years been wonderful with the exception of a few rough spots we all have to deal with in life? Why do I have a guy like Tom? And how can there be atheists like Nane who are mostly happy and God-lovers like Tammy who are mostly miserable?

Furthermore, it irritates me when people give Him credit He doesn't deserve, like when they try to tell me shit like how blessed I am for the languages He's "given" me. Sorry folks, but I gave myself those languages by studying hard. Oh, something up there may've set my brain to pick them up easier than most people, but I'M the one that studied and I'M the one that learned them, thank you. Give credit where it's due and keep in mind all that HUMANS do! You know, those things that walk on two legs? We really are responsible for much of the good that comes our way and it often has nothing to do with anything inhuman.

Ok, enough God-talk for what will hopefully be a long, long time, LOL. As I’ve always said, we all can’t help believe what we believe any more than who we’re attracted to, but it would be nice to hear about a bigger variety of things, even if they’re as mundane as the weather.

Another airplane-loud truck went by checking out our bulk trash pile but decided nope. They don’t want those old bulky stools. We’ve also got some boxes of trash out there like the rest of the old curtains, and the wooden platform the dishwasher came in.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11, 2014 Not much to say today. Tom’s doing some coding now and I’m just doing my usual thing. Last night I felt a lot better emotionally than I did the night before.

Right now I’m waiting for the people I’ve done jobs for to hurry up and pay me so I can do some shopping. They don’t usually take this long. I’m going to grab those stickers I want to place above the bed.

I did a prescreening survey for a clinical trial study they’re doing in my area for those taking statin drugs. They pay well, but the problem is I’ve worried enough about side effects to last me a lifetime, and with my anxiety and all that I’m not sure, as Tom agrees, that participating in this study would be such a good idea. I’ve had almost no anxiety this last week as I get further away from the incident that triggered it in the first place, but why take chances of stirring it up? It was nice, though, to make a few bucks just for a few minutes of prescreening questions, but we’re not desperate for extra money right now.

Once it’s cool enough around 9pm or so I’ll go for a quick bike ride. Just around the block a few times, though. I’m not going to go around the park. Not after dark.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 2014 “Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.” ~ Unknown

Last night I dreamed we were living in Florida near my sister and her daughters. I guess we owned a house there and were going to consider selling it and moving into an apartment next to her. I also guess that I thought I’d be ok living attached to someone that I at least knew, and there was to be no one on the other side of us or above and below us.

My mother was still alive because I was thinking of her being 30 miles away and wondering why she didn’t want to move to be closer to us.

Tom had a week of vacation when it was agreed we’d stay at the apartment with the girls during that week and do various things during the daytime. I don’t know why everybody stayed there, LOL, but Tammy had 3 couches in her living room and one just outside of it alongside the kitchen counter. I slept on that couch while Tom, Sarah and Becky slept on couches in the living room, all on different walls. I could only see Tom from my couch, but not the girls. Off the kitchen were a dining area and a hallway leading to the two bedrooms and a bathroom. Tammy slept in her bedroom, as usual.

I was frustrated because I lay there all night unable to sleep. When I finally did sleep, one of the girls noisily got up to use the bathroom and left the hallway light on, which woke me up, then Tammy woke me up when she came out into the kitchen. Exhausted, I asked if I could go sleep in the spare bedroom.

“And piss everybody off?” she asked.

I glanced at Sarah who’d just glanced from Becky back to me, realizing that it would be unfair if I got the comfy bed while everyone else (who didn’t live there) was stuck on couches.

In an instant the scene “split.” It was like I was interrupted by me checking in at home. I wanted to check my email for any important messages cuz we didn’t have our smartphones with us.

Next thing I know it’s getting dark and starting to rain. I realized I was barefoot but ran back to Tammy's that way; barefoot and in a sundress. I was running alongside a wooded area and wondered if anyone would stop to offer me a ride. A motorcycle pulled into a narrow drive in the woods in front of me, but no one stopped.

After running for about 10 minutes I was back in the “scene” with everybody on their assigned couches and Tammy in the kitchen. Only Tammy had turned into my mother who was now in tears at the thought of losing us when I asked her if we could sleep at home but be back bright and early each morning to partake in the activities we planned for the week. I had to assure my mother we were just a few minutes away. “I ran it, after all, mom.”

Later…

Yesterday Tom trimmed our too many bushes and blew leaves out of the carport. It took a long time and if anyone around us wanted peace and quiet, they certainly didn’t get it for a while. But today, neither are we. Someone’s been sawing and hammering on and off and it does get annoying. Especially on a Sunday when things are usually the quietest.

Since Romeo’s proven he can behave by not shoving bedding out of the cage like he used to do, we once again put them in the bigger cage. They seem to prefer that cage as it’s not only more spacious but they have ramps they can climb to get to the higher levels. Hoodie can scale the walls, but Romeo's gotten too old and too fat, and Sugar’s disabled. Hopefully, Romeo will continue to behave. This cage is a bit harder to clean, but it looks nicer.

Yesterday evening a wave of anxiety swept over me. I was like, oh no. Just oh fucking no. But fortunately, it passed in less than a minute. It was the same shit – I started to feel dizzy and my heart started to race and pound. It’s a truly miserable feeling. I was totally dismayed to experience even just seconds of this shit. It felt like a bit of a setback to me and I later felt a bit depressed. Just knowing that these things can creep up on me anytime, anywhere, for any reason, is a really sucky thing to have hanging over me. But I know I have to learn to live with the damn things just like I’ve had to learn to live with other shit.

Tom still feels I’ll get over this phase just as I have other things in life. Will I ever get over the what-ifs that still creep up on me at times? Feeling depressed or anxious can lead to some really nasty thoughts for me. Again every possible, horrible, miserable, scary, depressing what-if went through my mind last night and I just couldn’t turn them off.

I didn’t know this (or maybe I did but forgot), but Tom has life insurance through his job and I could live alone for years if anything happened to him, although I can’t imagine ever wanting to. I honestly don’t see how I lived alone all those years before we met to begin with. It was tough, all right. Tom cheered me up in no time today, but when I was alone I didn’t have anybody to pull me up when I’d start to sink down in a pit of sorrow. Most people are happy to be a part of your life when you’re up, but you know how selfish and cruel they can be when you’re sad, scared or ill. They just can’t deal with it and will often blame the person who’s down and that only makes them feel worse being kicked down when they’re already down.

Again my mind got stuck on imagining if I were suddenly told I had a terminal disease, what it may be like to die, and what kind of afterlife may await me, if there is such a thing. Tom pointed out that dying gets “easier” as medicine advances. Even with something as deadly and as horrible as the Ebola virus, they still expect to have a vaccine for it within a year. Still, it would be nice if all states treated dying people as well as they do dogs, instead of just Oregon and Washington. I mean I see Tom’s point, and I’m sure things will be even better 30 years from now, but it’s still something that’s playing on my mind too much, and the possibility of what, if anything, may lay beyond. Sometimes I feel like my life has become nothing but pills and fears of dying and death. I’m trying to change my outlook on things, but some changes take time.

I asked if he thought the fact that I can’t be alone like I used to be meant I’ve grown weaker with time, but he doesn’t think so as opposed to just being different. He reminded me that people’s needs do change over the years, and well, I’m not in my 20s anymore. At the same time, he feels I could survive on my own if I absolutely had to, though it may take me time to adapt. Even if that were true, I can’t imagine wanting to. Live without the only guy who’s ever totally accepted and loved me without complaint, control or pushing me to be somebody I’m not? Who loves me when I’m up AND when I’m down and who always felt my absolute best was good enough, and even my almost best was good enough, too?

And then I imagined the unimaginable some more and wondered if I’d ever be “trapped” between life and death if he were to go first. What if I didn’t have the guts to end it all for fear of botching it or something, but knew I couldn’t go on living either?

Yes, I know this is a depressing entry. I’m sorry even though I’m not, since this is, after all, my journal. Still, I’ll tweet the link but won’t share it on Facebook. I don’t want too many others to drown in my sea of what-ifs along with me if I can help it, but on a positive note, I do feel much better at the moment. :) Both writing and having a loving husband are rather therapeutic. No crush could replace this guy, that’s for sure, and yes, I fully admit I’m still drooling over that hot judge, haha.

Damn, was she glamorous and gorgeous! What wasn’t to like? Her makeup job was perfect, I loved her hair and the way its style suited her so well, full lips, eyes of chocolate, and perfect skin tone. Not too dark, not too light. I didn’t realize she was black at first. I thought she was Hispanic till the camera zoomed in on her and I heard her speak. She may be a little top-heavy body-wise, but I don’t care, LOL.

Later…

Another thing that had me depressed was my bike. I used to love to go out riding day or night, with or without Tom, and I hadn’t one single fear. But now I can’t even enjoy that much in the way that I used to for fear of an anxiety attack hitting me when my heart is already elevated. Tom thinks that the more I go out there and see nothing bad happens, the more confidence I’ll have. Hope he’s right!

I almost considered canceling my dentist appointment, not wanting to be hit with one of those things while they were working on me, though my next appointment is just a check-up and a cleaning job.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9, 2014 Went for a bike ride and came back with a heart rate of 133. Tom's was only 104 cuz his resting heart rate is lower.

Tom read an interesting health and fitness article where they did a study to see if running was really more beneficial than walking. They did find that getting your heart elevated more by running was not only more beneficial but that all it took was 5 minutes a day. In other words, you get the same benefits at just 5 minutes a day as you would an hour. I always knew that more was not better, but I didn’t know just 5 minutes was enough. I thought 20-30 was more like it.

Anyway, I decided I’d ride the park’s perimeters (this takes 15 minutes) when I’m on days and around the circle 5 times (this takes 10 minutes) when I’m on nights. Even though I seem to be over my anxiety and it was indeed connected to the OD, I don’t want to risk being startled by a skunk or a possum darting out at me at night and it spawning an anxiety attack, which could escalate into a panic attack, while I was on the other side of the park.

I was so pissed yesterday. They wait till I pay $130 + $20 in shipping for Rachel just to lower her to $106, prime eligible. :( But that’s how things usually work for me; never get any breaks in life. Maybe I’ll nab the other two I like that are also now on sale. I just hate it when the requestors take forever to pay up. I want to get some glitter tea rose stickers for above the bed. I’ve made the money for them but haven’t received it yet. I need just a few more bucks in my account.

Not sure if I mentioned this yet or not, but I found Twitter to look better than it ever has before with the new Facebook-like layout and so I rejoined. I’m mostly using it to post pictures and blog links. There are a few random thoughts I’ll throw in, but it’s all pretty much stuff I include in journal entries.

I had a dream I accidentally sent Andy and a couple of others the story I’m working on now instead of journals and Andy, who hates to read books, said it was awesome so far, LOL.

I’m so glad I’m not next door to Andy! His mom and others are visiting right now.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8, 2014 This morning I pulled out an old half-shirt from my drawer that I had since the 90s. It's tie-dye with spaghetti straps and I said to myself, "This little old shirt is never going to fit me." But it does! EASILY. I'm glad too, cuz it's always been one of my faves and is oh so comfortable. Amazingly, it doesn't look faded or frayed at all for its age.

Enjoying another day free of anxiety. I’d say I’ve finally kicked this thing and have recovered. It feels so damn good, too!

Not much else to say right now. I’m just finishing up the week’s household chores like laundry and running a load of dishes. Then it’s on to my online work/fun.

For dreams, I remember one negative one, one positive one, and one that was pretty neutral. I liked the one where I was sitting (outdoors at a picnic table?) happily chatting with my sexy doctor, but not the one where I was at a heart specialist and said, “My heart’s beating hard right now” and the doctor told me it was only beating 57 BPM.

You know, I’d have told you in the past my least favorite body part was the uterus. But after all the shit I’ve been through in the last month, I’d say it’s definitely the heart.

In the last one, I was sitting on a plane next to a woman and her teenage daughter. The woman was accusing her daughter of stealing cigars when she wasn’t looking.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 2014 After taking a week to get back to me, even though she could’ve done so sooner, I heard from Nane. Unlike Tammy and Andy, who describe Rachel as being “gross” and “scary,” Nane likes her. I’m proud of myself, though, for not getting back to her right away. I probably won’t wait a whole week, but still, no more getting back to her ASAP while she takes her sweet time with me. If I’m not important to her, she’s not important to me.

The pussy cream the doctor gave me has eased a lot of the burning and itching.

Feeling the absolute best and most like my old self since last month! I don’t even have a hint of anxiety and I even rode my bike a mile. :)

Last night I felt a little restless as I was waiting to fall asleep but was determined not to take a chill pill. Besides, as I reminded myself, it wouldn’t knock me out. They didn’t knock me out during the daytime, so they certainly wouldn’t knock me out at night.

“Things take time to get over,” Tom told me, assuring me the anxiety would one day be a thing of the past.

As I lay there, I realized I was aware of my heart racing and got up to check it. It was at 107. As I stood there with my finger in the monitor, I watched it drop into the 90s, got back into bed, and felt fine. Eventually, I drifted off, hoping I’d sleep forever since I wasn’t exactly keen on the idea of dealing with whatever tomorrow may bring.

But I slept my usual 8 hours and woke up fine. No racy heart, no nothing. By then it was after 6am and Tom had left for work. I even had a positive money dream for once, but don’t remember the details. It seemed to have to do with something we were selling that would be an ongoing thing. Not sure if I said this in the form of a question or a fact, but I said something to Tom about being anywhere from very comfortable to rich, and he agreed in a very matter-of-fact way.

A couple of hours later came the big question – should I go out on my bike, should I go out walking, or should I stay inside on the boring treadmill? I had to do something because I didn’t want to fall out of shape, so deciding I couldn’t stay afraid of exercise and riding forever, I took the bike out. My heart rate elevated only in the good way that it’s supposed to when you work out. I don’t like to do just cardio, I like to strength train too, so later or tomorrow some arm and ab work is in order. Being fit is more important to me than whether or not the numbers on the scale and the inches around my waist go down or not.

My only complaint now is a slight ache in my chest that didn’t last long. But now I have a stronger ache on the same side only it’s in back where my left shoulder blade is. I took an ibuprofen, so if it’s the pulled muscle I suspect it is, it will go away soon.

Next door has already been out twice and the last time I heard them loading stuff up in the SUV. They’re not done yet since the thing isn’t parked in the garage. Wish they would slow down!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6, 2014 Took my meds at 5am and was hoping to be chill pill-free from here on out, but I felt a little restless on and off till 9am. Before that I went out on my bike but only made one round around the block, not wanting to get my heart going too much. First I had a levothyroxine block to get over, and now I’ve got an exercising block to get over. Elevating my heart reminds me of what happened and I always wonder if part of it is anxiety or all from working out. I’m just afraid of hitting insane heart rates like 161.

According to a chart, however, it says that my max heart rate for my age is actually 175 and my target heart rate when working out can be up to 145. Well, I better get back into the swing of things because while diet makes me lose weight, exercising keeps it off. If I slack off too much I will go back to gaining.

Tired of feeling anxious on and off I took a chill pill. I’m a little disappointed in myself, but at least I went longer this time. I just hope it really is masking anxiety and not side effects. No one else seems to think it could be side effects, so I gotta just trust them.

If I can’t go all day tomorrow without the chill pill, I’ll at least try to go longer. Over the weekend when Tom’s here I would be really surprised – and dismayed – if I needed it. Like I said, if I end up going through this bottle, then I probably need something full-time. Still hoping I won’t, though. Tom doesn’t think I will, but we’ll see.

Not really impressed with my new toe ring, but it’s better than nothing.

I de-cluttered the bookcase by mostly weeding out many of the collectible Barbies. That way there’s less to have to dust.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2014 Had a sad dream last night where for some reason I wasn’t able to live with Tom. I’d only known him 15 years, though, not 21. I don’t know who I was living with, but every time he would come and visit me I found it very hard not to beg him to take me with him.

Then there was another dream where I was walking my bike, which was having problems. I stooped to try to fix it when I overheard a woman’s voice through an open doorway. Although I could hear her clearly, I don’t remember what she said. I just wanted to hurry up and fix the bike so she wouldn’t spot me and think I was eavesdropping.

I felt wonderful yesterday and so far today, too. Just a little shaky my first hour and then I was fine. Thinking I might skip the lorazepam tomorrow. As I always try to, I’m making a point of focusing on positive, happy things and thoughts as others have suggested to me and as I naturally try to do anyway. Sometimes bad things get in our faces and there’s no avoiding them, but when the choice is mine I choose positive over negative.

We’re having another cool, cloudy day where it looks like it may rain but never does. At least not yet anyway. Very unusual for August. Wanting to get out and get some fresh air, I went out and pulled my bike out. I miss riding regularly. I’m just hesitant to do so till I make sure the anxiety attacks aren’t going to return. Each day that they don’t, I feel a little more confident. But confidence takes time, so I thought that rather than do a 2-mile round around the park, I’d just make 5 rounds around the circle which would be a mile. But after just one round, Virginia was heading toward me.

Not surprisingly, she was curious about why the paramedics were out last month and I told her I accidentally took too much of the levothyroxine I was given for hypothyroidism. I had to laugh when she said that now she could tell everybody what happened. When you live in a retirement community, people tend to know those around them and feel a sense of concern and curiosity not often found in regular neighborhoods.

Anyway, it turns out she’s on the exact same meds. Also, she was given the same thing for anxiety and both she and Bob take statin medication.

She kept saying I look great and that it’s her fault that she never loses weight because she loves to eat. Me too, though as long as I’m not in the obese range I’m not worried about it. I wasn’t going to tell her that, though, cuz she clearly is obese.

She asked again if we could hear them and what my schedule was and what I did and all that and I told her that I don’t really have a schedule. I also told her all I hear are car doors and landscaping but nothing else. Told her I write and do artificial intelligence work online as well.

I asked her if she noticed more loud car stereos and she said not so much as vehicles that are loud themselves. Yeah, there does seem to be a lot of loud pickups and even some cars. I’m still amazed at just how much traffic goes through this park.

I asked about the first people in here before the last couple and she said it was a woman named Fay who lived alone but was very active. Alone in a house this big?! A 1-bed, 1-bath would be just fine for me if I were alone, but just like some people who have had kids say they can’t imagine life without them, I can’t imagine ever going back to living alone like I did for about 9 years prior to meeting Tom no matter what the size of the place may be. Anyway, Fay moved to another state and died in her 90s. “No one that lives in your house dies young,” she told me, LOL.

They’re from Minnesota and I told her we sometimes think of hitting Florida when he retires, but don’t know if we really will or not. So much can happen in the next 13 years.

When I told her I was originally from Massachusetts and that Tom was originally from Arizona, which was where we met, and how we spent a few years in Oregon before coming to Cali, she said she thought my accent sounded northeastern. Yeah, I guess that no matter how many years I live in the West I’ll always sound like a “Masshole.”

Her SIL’s from England and we got on the topic of accents and languages. I threw a few lines at her in Spanish, Italian and German and she agreed it must come in handy to know. It does. Plus it’s fun. Learning languages is hard but has always been like a game to me as well, and I play it well, too.

I was complaining to Tom that the levothyroxine makes my periods heavier, but as he reminded me, they make them normal. Three days is normal for a woman, not those late periods I would get that would flow heavy for just 5 hours and then spot off to nothing in a day. I thought it was menopause setting in even though I’m still kinda young.

“Is there anything you can’t do?” Someone anonymously asked this on Ask and I swear I’ve been asked this before. I smell Mrs. M in this one. It’s the first name to pop into mind anyway.

Then someone, who appears to have asked Aly questions as well, was asking me about blogging and if I made a decision as to where I’m going to blog and all that. Kim?

I asked Aly if she thought some of the poorly worded questions we’ve both gotten could’ve come from Kim, and she wasn’t sure. She says Kim claims Ask doesn’t work for her but isn’t sure what to believe and knows she has to tread lightly where Kim is concerned. Kim is such a people pleaser that she can’t tell facts from lies when she talks to her. We both agree Molly is the lesser of the two evils. Molly may follow and sometimes contact you, but she isn’t the vicious stalker Kim can be, and Molly is always Molly. But even Molly needs some restraints of caution, as Aly admits. She’s changed, yes, but she can still get a bit clingy and demanding.

Aly was thrilled to get my email. I admit I do miss our chats and speculating what the trolls are up to. She has too much good to just throw away forever. I think she’s just a little confused as to what she wants and what’s best for her and can be very softhearted and forgiving. She swears she never tried to sabotage my friendship with Adonis or hack into any accounts. She also says she didn’t mean anything malicious in not being forthright about the trolls and can totally understand why I felt the way I did. She said she never had Molly added while we were friends on Facebook. Kim, yes, but she had me blocked since she always loves to play the victim when it comes to those she’s harassed.

Andy still drives me nuts at times with the same old, same old shit. God. Food. Celebrities. It’s like that’s all his life is about; his delusions about God, his beloved food, and the celebrities he worships so damn much. Really hope he can leave these things at home when he comes to visit.

Tammy's doing better but is tired. Mark’s lonely up in CT waiting for the house to close and the girls haven’t even seen her since they moved down to FL. They just got jobs, so I guess they’re preoccupied with that. Plus, I notice that typical selfishness in them that we all experience in our 20s where we don’t really appreciate our family much. Oh, they appreciate the hell out of each other and I’m sure they see each other all the time. But when it comes to parents (other than their abusive dad) and aunts, they really don’t care much. I’ve noticed long ago that I hear way more from people in other countries that I’ve never met than I ever will from my nieces. In some ways, this is a good thing, though, cuz then I might have to hear all about the prick that will hopefully croak of its cancer soon.

Becky and Sarah are strange. It’s like they’re more than sisters. It’s like they’re soul mates. Probably due to their looks, they only have each other. I just can’t imagine either of them ever dating, especially Becky.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4, 2014 Not sure I’m looking forward to being left alone all week as the last of the anxiety fades away for what will hopefully be forever. Just one minute of that awful feeling is like an hour and I don’t ever want to feel it again! Gonna chill pill it when Tom leaves for the next few days just to be on the safe side and give me that extra boost of confidence. I’m hoping that by the end of the week, I will feel strong enough to go without that.

Woke up several times during the night and once I considered chill-pilling myself back to sleep, but instead I just waited patiently for my body to fall back asleep on its own. Again, I don’t want to get addicted to the stuff.

My goal will be to keep busy as much as possible. The lorazepam may make me drowsy, so I may have to take it easy here and there. I’m going to mostly do some cleaning, ab exercises, and then my usual online stuff.

Later…

The day’s going great so far. A little shaky the first hour or so, but I’ve been fine ever since. The question is, am I fine because of the chill pill, or would I be ok either way? Tom thinks I would be and I hope he’s right. In another day or two, I’ll skip the chiller. Stuff still makes me drowsy, but it didn’t knock me out. It just made me take longer to clean the section of the house I cleaned today. I do it in 4 sections in 4 days rather than all at once. It’s easier that way, especially since it’s so big. Hell, just dusting the 8 living room/dining room window blinds takes time.

It definitely does look like the doctors do know what they’re doing after all, LOL, and that it was anxiety brought on by the double dose of levothyroxine and not the levothyroxine itself.

Anyway, I just hope that whatever landscaping or home improvement jobs that are on for today will be my only annoyances. If it weren’t for the drowsiness they cause, I could really get used to these chill pills and can clearly see how addicting they could become. I expect, however, to make a full recovery by the end of the week and be free of the chill pills altogether. I just hope I never ever again experience such God-awful anxiety ever again in my life. It was truly torturous and horrible in every sense of the word. I’d rather killer period cramps. They hurt, but at least they’re not terrifying. But when your heart races up a storm, you can’t breathe, you feel dizzy and this strange sensation rushes through your head and down your shoulders and arms… I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Well, second-worst enemy. :)

Can't believe it took next door till 10:30 to make their first trip out. I’m sure she’ll park in the driveway when she returns and that it’s not her/their only trip out today.

I also can’t believe it’s August! It’s so cloudy and chilly in here. It’s going to be hours till the AC kicks on, but it will come on since we are on for 88° today.

We moved the rats into the ferret cage because it’s so much easier to clean, and Romeo was kind enough not to make the mess he used to make by pushing bedding out all over the floor.

I tweeted to Aly and asked her a question on Ask. She answered the question. I “liked” one of Molly’s answers and she apologized for past problems she’s caused me and said she wanted to be friends and prove she’s a changed person.

I never thought I’d say this but I do believe Molly has changed to some degree. I can tell this just by how less often she visits my blog. But there’s still a clinginess about her that makes me not want to get too close. I’ll answer a few questions here and there on Ask, but that’s about it. Besides, she’s not very bright and she still has severe mood swings. She asked what made me want to hurt myself and I had to explain that the OD was accidental.

I had sexual dreams and a couple of dreams that my endo doc was in, and what is it with schools lately in my dreams?

I don’t really remember the sexual dreams very well, but it seems that when I have them I’m performing solo and not with someone else. A sign that I’m on my own? Even if I was suddenly horny as hell, that doesn’t mean Tom would be, too.

The first one Maruja, as I’ll call my endo, was in a college. It turns out that she was teaching a course there. I’m not sure what it was or if she knew me, but she seemed to have a thing for me. In a good way, that is.

In another dream, we were a definite pair. We were over someone’s house that was having a party or some kind of get-together. We had a baby with us. It seemed to be ours, though I don’t know if I was younger in the dream and I was the one that had it, or if we adopted it. Maruja got pissed as hell at me at one point and practically dragged me out of the place. Others were worried she would harm me and I said, “Don’t worry. She won’t. She’ll just yell at me a while.”

Once we got home, some people at the party we left called the house to be sure I was ok.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3, 2014 My 32” Jade doll has worn the same shoes since 1999 and they have become discolored. So now she has new shoes! They’re size 3-6 months and are sneakers of a soft cloth-like material as opposed to canvas. They’re pinkish orange with silver glitter and blue hearts. The laces are ribbons instead of traditional shoelaces.

My 24” Hillary doll that I got from Goodwill also had old, discolored shoes and she’s now wearing silver glitter shoes in size 0-3 months.

Jasmine got a new outfit since I never really cared for her original one. It’s just a pink swimsuit with matching flip-flops.

While I am beyond grateful as hell to Tom for his patience and support in dealing with these health issues, and while I appreciate that I’m his number one and how he’d quit his job to take care of me until the funds got so low that he had to get another one, I still feel bad. Ever feel bad/guilty about something you know you shouldn’t and that isn’t your fault, but you still feel bad anyway? Sort of like accidentally dropping a heavy book on someone’s foot. You didn’t mean it and they know you didn’t mean it, but you still feel bad anyway. Well, it’s like that. I feel bad that I have had to hog so much of his time and attention and that I’ve been costing us a fortune (we owe a couple hundred for the biopsy), but I know he is the one person who truly, TRULY loves me for he has NEVER complained.

I felt ok for the most part yesterday but got drowsier than expected when I took a chill pill a half-hour after taking the levothyroxine. I also had a few semi-anxious moments when I became a bit breathy, but nothing major. Today I’ve gone chill pill-free, but may chill when Tom leaves for work tomorrow just to be on the safe side. I had felt slightly off a few times earlier, but again, nothing major. I even dyed my hair. You can see how thin it is now in front due to the meds, but I’m not bald, so I can’t complain too much. The loss of my tan and hair is pretty trivial right now as opposed to how I feel.

Since it’s been about a week since that scare of a heartbeat of 161 when an attack hit me while bike riding, Tom went with me this morning (exercise is always good for him anyway) and we went for a short ride just to see how I’d do. He reminded me to feel free to stop if I needed to. I stopped at the crest of the hill just to make sure my heart would slow down when it was supposed to. When it did, we coasted down the hill (the part of my route I find most fun), looped around the lake and headed back uphill. My heart was booming like it was supposed to at about 130 and not an insane 161, so that was good. I have felt great ever since! I just hope I continue to feel this way. Each day that goes by that I feel good will gain my confidence back. How I still wish I could wind the calendar back to the 9th and undo the accidental double dose! That’s no doubt what’s caused these waves of anxiety.

Later we’re going to put the rats in another cage that’s much easier to clean. Only problem is that since Hoodie didn’t get that big, the little devil may escape. Even Sugar’s not that big, but he’s disabled. Romeo’s huge, though, so he won’t escape, but he may push the bedding out all over the place. I don’t know why he does that, but we’ll see.

Had two disturbing and one cool dream last night. In the first disturbing one, I said something like “Are you worried things will get worse?” to Tom and he nodded. The house we were in didn’t look like ours and it couldn’t have been in an adult community because tons of screaming kids could be heard outside.

Then in another dream, I was going to this school of some kind, though I don’t know what for. When the alarm went off, Tom was already at work and I realized I hadn’t slept a wink. I had no energy whatsoever to go to school. So I called and told him I needed to catch up on my sleep and he wanted to come home. I assured him I was fine, just tired. I didn’t want him to risk his job by leaving work.

The cool dream was speaking both Spanish and German. I was telling Nane in German that the buildings we were walking by weren’t old, and then I was speaking in Spanish to some guy at an intersection I was waiting to cross on foot. He was on his bike and was speaking Spanish to himself. He told me in Spanish that he likes to speak his thoughts aloud in Spanish as a means of practicing and I said I liked to do the same thing at times, also in Spanish.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 2014 Yesterday turned out to be anxiety-free, for the most part. I felt the most like my old self since this shit began on the 9th.

I am determined as hell to have another anxiety-free day, even though it’s back to my thyroid and cholesterol meds today. In a few hours, it is, when my stomach’s had a chance to empty out. That’s when I’ll take my levothyroxine. I’ll take the other pill at the end of my day. I’m still going to chill pill it a half-hour after taking the levothyroxine for about a week or so until I can see that I’m ok and no harm has come to me. I chill-pilled as Tom was leaving for work yesterday and it didn’t knock me out or anything like that. 0.5 is a very low dose when it comes to lorazepam.

When I take that pill Tom and I both will remind me that it can’t hurt me, it was only in my mind thanks to scaring the shit out of myself when I accidentally double-dosed, there’s no evil God out to get me, it’s a supplement and not a medication, just like he and a follower whose input I really appreciate said. She has reminded me of this fact as well as being more careful about names. Oh, I’ve always changed or dropped last names, but she got me to realize that if I’m Googled, certain people might know whom I’m talking about even without last names. While it may be true that people should think before wronging others if they don’t want it mentioned anywhere, I don’t want to deliberately offend people. I write to express my life, my feelings, and my experiences, after all. Not to piss people off.

Going to Walmart in a few hours and I guess that’s it for now.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1, 2014 The blood has been drawn and the verdict is in. My TSH levels are high at 16 which is probably my fault thanks to the meds putting such a fear complex on me that I had coffee too soon after taking the stuff the last two days. This blocks absorption. So now my pituitary gland is back to shouting these useless commands to my thyroid.

So it wasn’t the pill, but it was. The OD put such a serious mental block on me so that even though side effects are rare and no one’s ever died from the stuff, it’s triggering these horrible anxiety attacks I thought were sudden killer side effects. The only time you should be jittery from the meds themselves is if you’re taking too much and therefore thrown into the hyperthyroid range.

To back up a bit, Tom went to work yesterday morning and I set about doing some household work like laundry and running the dishes through the dishwasher. I thought I’d be just fine, but OMFG! It was terrible. So terrible and so scary I had him come home. My heart raced like crazy, I felt dizzy, I couldn’t breathe. It was like I was suffocating even though our little finger monitor said I was at my usual 99% oxygen level. Still, it was just so, so awful! I felt like I was going to die.

We went to the lab at 9:00 and I got the blood drawn by the same Asian lady that left me bruised last time. She did a good job this time. I have tiny veins, so it wasn’t her fault. My veins are child-size, LOL.

We then got a bite to eat at Carl’s Jr. and came home. I was surprisingly tired and probably depressed too, not just from all that was going on, but PMS as well. I slept from 10am – 4pm. When I got up at that time I not only found my erotic wall statue had arrived (she’s lovely) but my blood work results were also posted online.

We talked about it and as Tom said, I’ve got this thing in my head that has convinced me the meds are bad, the meds are bad, the meds are bad… The mind, unfortunately, can be a powerful thing.

“But I don’t believe I’m tall,” I told Tom.

“No, but you believe you’re fat.”

LOL, I think everyone does whether it’s true or not. Either way, I’ve stopped taking the levothyroxine and I think the only way to fully get over my anxiety is a change in meds. There are half a dozen or so thyroid medications and people do often make changes. Given the blood work results and what my PCP doc said as well as what my endo doc may have to say, I could probably continue the levothyroxine and gradually get over my anxiety trips, but I’d rather not.

Tom even inspected the stamp on the pill and checked online to be sure they were indeed the correct dose. Lucky for them too, or I’d sue the shit out of the pharmaceutical and move to Maui.

Still tired, I went back to sleep from something like 5pm – 10pm. I have “coincidentally” felt very much like my old self since being up and skipping the levothyroxine. Funny, ain’t it? rolls eyes sarcastically

I may chill pill it when Tom leaves just to be on the safe side. On the meds or not, these things can sneak up on you at any time, and when they do they attack with a vengeance. It’s a horrible, horrible experience to go through.

Meanwhile, I have a nice silver toe ring on the way with black footprints which I’ve purchased with my online earnings.

I was going to help the guy who owns Kiwibox with weeding out spammers, but I’m not sure I’m up to the task right now. I need to get my life back on track before I focus on other things. Why oh why did my thyroid have to fail in the first place?!

Later…

So I guess I’m not changing meds after all. The doc, who knows what’s been going on with me, recommends I stick with the same stuff. She said the alternative to levothyroxine would be the so-called "natural hormone" which is thyroid hormones from pork thyroid glands, dried and powdered for treatment that in general, it is more difficult to adjust the dose of thyroid medication. Then she said to come and see her if I want to discuss changing meds further.

Well, I sure as hell aren’t about to take that pill till Tom’s home tomorrow. Then a half-hour after it’s had time to absorb I’ll be chill-pilling it till I can see that I can take it without issue for a while and that yes, it was just anxiety triggered by accidentally double-dosing myself and not side effects I was experiencing.

One thing I can say for sure is that today I’m the most anxiety-free I’ve been in weeks. I just really hope it’s cuz not taking the pill today has eased my anxiety and not because I was one of those super rare people who was suffering side effects that are now diminishing as the meds leave my system.

Hazel was chosen as the resident of the month, so we saw in the monthly crier. We saw her sweeping the streets the first time we came to check the park out. We thought she worked for the park or something, LOL. She’s 80 years old and she lost her husband 21 years ago. They mentioned how anyone who lives near her has the “cleanest” streets (referring to her sweeping obsession), haha. Her husband and 3 kids used to work in the landscaping business. One daughter is in Utah and then she had a son that fell when trimming a tree and died. Aw. :(

She’s lived here 8 years now and her other daughter comes around to help make sure she remembers to eat, take her meds, and lock her door. She was a swimsuit model in her younger years and gave judo demonstrations.

I have absolutely had it with Kiwibox and all its 10 million glitches and problems! The 1000 entries I have there can just sit there forever, and the nice but clueless owner can figure his problems out all by himself or get others to help.

I did hear from Aly after all. She insists she doesn’t use her hacking experience for fun, though she admits she has definitely kept some things from me. She’s too likable to hate for just a few flaws, but I’m not going to add her back on Facebook or anything. Just keep in casual contact. Besides, she’s proven I’m not the kind of person she’d rather keep in contact with that often, so casual contact is fine.

Sometimes I wonder if Andy’s playing with my head or if he’s just that brain dead. He insists EVERY journal entry of mine talks of weight, but that’s totally not true. There are other little things that make me wonder about him, too.

0 notes