#him and jisoo are a vibe but still

[awooghan]

fall in love with me (this christmas) ✧.* h.hj

➳ PAIRING: hyunjin x fem!reader

➳ GENRE: fluff, mild angst, best friends to lovers, fake dating, christmas

➳ WARNINGS: mild language, mentions of food, hyunjin is tipsy in one part (he and reader are ‘00 or ‘01 tho so they’re legal), UNEDITED (will be fully edited by new years) UPDATE: fully edited as of jan. 19, 2024

➳ WORD COUNT: 22.9k (final wc after editing)

➳ SUMMARY: hyunjin has one last chance to have a college christmas romance and he’ll do anything to have it—even if it means fake-dating his best friend. (inspired by "cold december night" by michael buble)

➳ NOTES: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! 🎄❄️ i hope you have/had an amazing day with love ones and good food! this fic is my christmas collab with my bestie @ujimoo :3 some parts r kind of rough bc we didn't fully edit yet but i hope y'all enjoy <3

network tags: @kflixnet @straykidsland-main @kwritersworld

prologue.

– halloween.

You didn’t think the night could get any worse.

The night started from the moment you caught a whiff of beer, sweat, and Dior Sauvage as Hyunjin dragged you by the hand to ‘Jackson’s 2023 Annual Hallo-Wang Party’. You could think of a thousand other ways you wanted to spend your Halloween that didn’t involve being stuck here, but you lost a bet with Chan, so you don’t exactly have a choice.

So here you are, sitting in the kitchen with your now-ruined costume sticking to your skin, thanks to someone (Jeongin) spilling his tequila on you when you were playing beer pong. Now, not only is your head throbbing from the smell of frat party, but you have an ugly pink blotch on the costume you took weeks to put together.

You nurse whatever the concoction of alcohol is the punch when Hyunjin, too tipsy for his own good, slides up next to you and rests his chin on your shoulder. 

“Y/NNN~…” he sighs, wrapping his arms around your waist. “There you are!” 

Fighting against his hold on you, you’re finally able to get his hands away from your waist, only for him to wrap his arms around your arm like a lost child. 

“Why don’t you love me?” he mumbles, hiccuping at the end of his sentence. “Do you hate me?” 

A smile tugs at your lips as you turn to look at your best friend. His blond hair falls in front of his eyes as he stares at you. “Of course.” 

His nose scrunches in disgust and he shakes his head as your laughter surrounds him. It somehow makes him feel lighter than all of the alcohol he’s drunk combined. 

“You’re so mean, why would you say that?” he whines. He grabs your arm tighter and shoves his head on your shoulder. 

Exhaling, you pat his head lightly before resting your head on his. It’s like the world goes silent for a moment as you run your fingers through his hair.

You’re both like that for an uncertain amount of time before Hyunjin jumps back up, his arms still around your arm. A large tipsy smile creeps on his face and he suddenly begins to giggle. The way his eyes light up almost makes you do the same.

“I think Jisoo is going to ask me out~” He sighs dreamily.  “I feel the vibes, you can feel it too, right?” 

You catch the way two of your friends, Changbin and Jisung, are watching you from the kitchen door. Sticking your tongue out at them, they return it with winks, eyeing up both you and Hyunjin. 

You turn back to the giggly blond clinging to your arm and shrug. “I’m not sure. I don’t really see her around campus.”

You’re not trying to sound like you’re completely disinterested in what Hyunjin’s saying, but when you already know where it’s heading, you can’t help it. You’re not really sure Hyunjin is even listening though when he sighs to himself and tugs on your arm again. 

“This is—” tug. “My chance—” tug. “For my Christmas romance, Y/Nie.” A harder tug.  “I can feel it in the air!” Aggressive shaking.

Breaking your arm away from him, you huff. Can’t you have one night before Hyunjin’s constant babbling about Christmas and Christmas romances?

“Can we wait till after Halloween to talk about Christmas, please?” you groan, causing Hyunjin to sneer at you. 

“Why do you have to be such a Grinch?” he attempts to whisper—but his intoxicated brain has other ideas. 

You attempt to ignore the feeling of his arms sneakily slipping around your waist again and the way his head seems to fit into the dip of your shoulder as you sigh.

“Ask me about it again tomorrow.” 

…

You really didn’t think the night could get any worse. But after corralling Hyunjin, who could barely stand on his own, back to his dorm, you were proven wrong. So, so wrong.

When you finally untangle yourself from his hold and hand him off to his poor roommate, Felix, it’s 11:58pm. Normally, you wouldn’t care to watch the clock for something so mundane, but you had a feeling he was going to text you the minute you look away.

And sure enough, the second you leave Hyunjin’s dorm building, you feel your phone vibrate in your hoodie pocket.

Hyunnie : it’s november 1st Hyunnie : it’s christmas time bitch!! Hyunnie : ah Hyunnie : sorry for calling you a bitch… Hyunnie : i got excited TT

You can only roll your eyes fondly. At least it’s November now.

one.

– november 1st.

Hyunjin feels sticky. 

Every year he rejoices at the start of the Christmas season, but every year he also forgets that the start is the one part he hates. The morning is so nice and icy-cold, everything sweater weather should be. But by midday… the sweater has to come off. Then he’s sweating in places he shouldn’t be, he’s itching all over, and he’s all grumpy and gross and he just wants to shower twenty times to try and rid himself of the feeling of his clothes clinging to his skin. 

He can see his breath just past his nose as he tries to rid his shoes of the mush that is the remains of fallen leaves. He knows he shouldn’t have worn his pristine white sneakers that you had gotten him for his birthday earlier that year (ones that he, not to mention, cleans frantically after every use). But they go so well with his dark grey jeans that he had to! The things he does for his passion for fashion…

When Jisoo first messaged him asking to meet up by the trees, it felt like a dream come true, one he’s been waiting for for so long. But now that he’s here, he’s not sure how long he’s been waiting, but he feels like he’s a Sim with stink lines coming off of him and he wants to scream. His controller must hate him because nothing is going as he planned. 

So when he finally sees Jisoo in the distance, he lets out a sigh of relief. He sees her try and keep her bag on her shoulder as she rushes over. When she’s finally in front of him, with strands of hair stuck to her face, her mouth slightly open as she tries to catch her breath… all Hyunjin does is blink. 

If you had asked him a week ago, he would have found this adorable. He would have screamed in her face and pinched her cheeks, before running to his dorm and spamming your texts about how Jisoo is the cutest girl he’s ever seen and how his heart has never beaten as fast as it does around her. 

But now he’s standing there, with the love of his life right in front of him, and he feels… wrong. There’s murky puddles and soggy leaves surrounding his and Jisoo’s feet, an angry draft blows past his ears as he tries to read Jisoo’s lips, and a stifling blanket that’s the same dirty shade of grey as his dryer lint trap smothers him from overhead. Nothing feels right, he feels icky, and his heart is fluttering for all the wrong reasons. All he wants to do is run off into the sunset, and not with her.

He barely even hears her as the whole world moves in fast forward while he stands there completely still. And he doesn’t even remember what he says before he walks away, his shoulder brushing against Jisoo’s in the process. He doesn’t even turn back when he hears her call out to him multiple times. 

He’s sure that when he tells you his over-dramatised version of what he assumes was Jisoo’s confession, you’ll do your exaggerated laugh that makes you snort and then complain that you snorted. You’ll look at him in a way that screams ‘I told you so,’ and he hates it so much that he considers not telling you at all.

But even he knows he’s a blabbermouth and as soon as he lays his eyes on you, the words will fall out of his mouth before he even has a chance to think. 

So he goes to the nearest pizza place by your dorm, and he orders your usual: half cheese, half pepperoni. You’re too indecisive to pick just one, so you get both. He orders his own pizza too and he sits and waits, stripping himself of his scarf and his hat before shoving it into his backpack and playing around with his hair, trying to get it to look right before his order is called. 

When he’s finally outside your door, he doesn’t bother to knock—he walks straight in and calls out for you. You rush out of your room, an oversized hoodie covering your frame with your hood up. 

“Damn it, Hyun, can’t you call before you show up uninvited?” you huff, instantly eyeing up the pizzas. “What would you have done if I wasn’t here?” 

Hyunjin shrugs. He knows there’s no way you’d be anywhere else. Your friends are his friends and they’re all in class or with their own significant others… not that that matters…

He hands you your own pizza and smiles at the way you smile when you fall onto the couch and stuff the first slice into your mouth. A muffled ‘thank you’ somehow escapes your lips. Gulping it down, you wipe your mouth with your sleeve, causing Hyunjin to curl his lip in disgust.

“Why are you here, anyway?” you ask before tearing off another bite of pizza.

“No reason.” He’s trying his best to do a Mary-Kate and Ashley and keep his lips sealed, but it’s no use. 

You just blink at him until the dam finally bursts. 

“Jisoo confessed to me and I turned her down.”

Still blinking, you furrow your eyebrows as you look at him in confusion. “But… isn’t that what you wanted?” 

Hyunjin keeps his eyes locked on the pizza slice he’s playing with aimlessly instead of actually eating. He can’t even explain how he’s feeling. He wanted, no, dreamed of the perfect confession, and he blew his chance. Because of… bad vibes? How do you even explain that?

“I… I don’t know,” he mumbles. He sighs, dropping the pizza box on his lap as he throws his head back against the couch to look up at the ceiling. “It just…” He pauses. “It wasn’t what I thought it would be.” 

“Is a confession ever going to be perfect, though?”

Hyunjin sits up instantly at the question. The way he moves so suddenly makes you jump, but he doesn’t mean to scare you. He’s just very… passionate…  about the subject. ‘Passionate’ may not be enough to describe it.

“Of course it can be!” He has to stop himself from blabbing too much. He’s sure you’re tired of hearing his speeches about this, so he just gives you the short version. “It’s the biggest moment of any relationship! With the right person, it’s always going to be perfect. Like, you know in your heart when it’s right, and…” he sighs, “I didn’t feel that.” 

He looks at you, and you nod. “Then… maybe you didn’t like her as much as you thought you did?” 

Hyunjin falls against the couch again. His voice comes out as a whine this time, “But that was my last chance at a Christmas romance!” 

Is he being dramatic? Maybe a little, Hyunjin figures. He’s just lucky it’s you he’s ranting to, because the most you do in response to this is huff and give him a look. If it was one of mutual friends, they would have slapped some sense into him by now. Metaphorically, at least… hopefully.

“This isn’t your last chance at a Christmas romance, you know that right?” you say. “You’re acting like this is your last Christmas, period.” 

He sinks somehow further into the couch. “Okay, fine.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “My last college Christmas romance.” 

“You didn’t have one last year? Why does it matter now?” you ask, reaching once more for your pizza. 

“Because it’s our final year!! That’s kind of the point of it being the final chance, Y/N.” 

Hyunjin knows you mean well, but you rolling your eyes at him as you shove another bite into your mouth isn’t helping his plight. He can’t help but frown at you, though, not only because of your reaction, but now because you’re talking with your mouth full.

“Here’s an idea,” you gulp down some of the pizza stuffed in your cheeks, “just fake it till you make it. Get someone to fake date you.” 

It takes a second for Hyunjin to process what you say. But when he does, he gasps loudly and sits up even faster than last time. He turns and grabs hold of your shoulders so fast that it takes all of your force not to fall backwards.

“You’re a genius!”

You smirk, shrugging your shoulders. “I know. No need to remind me.” 

The look of disgust returns and Hyunjin slowly moves his hands away from your shoulders like you just infected him with something. “Don’t make me regret saying that.” 

“We both know it’s true, though.” 

“I hate you.” 

“I hate me too.” 

He ignores your self-degrading comment and sighs. His arms find their way to cross themselves over his chest once more and he thinks to himself for a minute. He has a world of possibilities at his fingertips, but he knows exactly what he wants to do. Just… he doesn’t know how to say it. Might as well just rip the bandaid.

“So when’s our first fake date?”

You cough out whatever pizza you had left in your mouth and it takes you a moment to catch your breath again. When you finally have a moment to breathe, you look at Hyunjin. “Our what?!” 

Hyunjin simply blinks at you. He just asked the most obvious question in the world, and you’re looking at him like you just asked him to solve a derivative. He doesn’t even remember what that is.

You motion for him to continue, but he’s still blinking. “What?” he says.

“When I suggested fake dating someone, I didn’t mean me!”

“Of course it has to be you!” he frantically tries to explain.  “I-I can’t just ask a random person to fake date me when I have no idea who they are!” 

“So you just assume I’d say ‘yes’?!” 

“Oh, come on, please!” he begs, actually getting down on the floor in front of you. He links his hands together as he whips out his best puppy dog eyes. 

He waits and goes still and keeps giving you that cartoonish pleading stare. Then, you sigh.

“I feel like I get nothing out of this. You get your fake Christmas romance and what do I get? A fake boyfriend I didn’t ask for?” 

He goes still again. He thinks hard about anything that will get you to agree. He’ll pull out the big guns, if he has to. And that’s what he does, and based on the terrified look on your face, he’s sure he has a crazed gleam in his eyes when he says it.

“I’ll never complain about not having or finding a Christmas romance again!” 

Hyunjin can’t believe he said that. You stare at him, he’s staring at you. He’s sure you don’t believe him.

“Come on!” he huffs. “Don’t look at me like that!”

“You can’t keep anything to yourself, you really believe you’d be able to keep that?” 

Hyunjin nods frantically.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he hears you mutter before looking him in the eyes. “Fine. I’ll do it.” 

Hyunjin’s up in another flash, pushing you with all his weight against the couch as he hugs you even tighter. 

“THANK YOU!! You’re the best!!” 

And in the next moment, he’s standing, his hand out for you to take. “Let's go!” A confident beam is plastered on his face. He can’t say the same for you.

“Huh?”

You just keep staring at his outstretched hand. Knowing you’re not going to move, Hyunjin just huffs and grabs your hand, pulling you to the front door.

“On our first date, decorating your dorm!!” 

“HUH?!”

—

As you walk through the store, Hyunjin has his fingers entwined with yours so tightly that you almost think he’s cutting off blood flow. It’s almost as if he was afraid you’d change your mind and disappear if he let go. 

He beelines towards the Christmas decorations. You don’t know why he insisted on buying more when you still have the stuff that he made you get last year—you just forgot where you put it. But you live in a tiny college dorm, so it’s not like you had many places to look.

It’s whatever, you guess. You don't bother to question what’s going through his mind right now. It won’t end well if you do.

Hyunjin’s other hand is pushing an extra large cart you're sure you don’t need, but he got it anyway. He can’t possibly be thinking of filling up the whole cart, can he? You live in a college dormitory. Only so much can fit.

After what seems like a lifetime, you’re both in front of the Christmas decorations. With his hand still stuck to yours like glue, he starts to examine each set of decorations with his other hand, holding it up close to his eyes as if he doesn’t have perfect vision. 

“What are you doing?” you ask. 

“Checking,” he mutters, placing a box of lights back down on the shelf before picking up another one.

“Checking for…?” 

He huffs, drops his shoulders, and stares at you with nothing behind his eyes. “The perfect lights. They shouldn’t be broken and we need to know they’ll shine bright enough.” 

“They’re lights, Hyun,” you respond simply. “It doesn’t matter if they’re perfect or not.” 

Pushing your lips into a line, you stare at each other in silence for a moment or two—honestly, you’re not too sure how long the moment actually is. Hyunjin just looks away, placing the box of lights back onto the shelf. 

“You’re relying too much on everything being perfect.” 

You feel the way his grip tightens around your hand. He stays silent, picking up another box of lights before placing them in the shopping cart. “These are perfect,” he says, ignoring your words. “We should get these.” 

He pushes the cart further down whilst dragging you along in the process. Picks up another set of lights, checks them, and puts them down, before repeating this a few times before he’s happy with the one he’s decided on. He does this for many of the tinsel, for some random ornaments, and for random chocolates and candy canes to hang on the tree. 

You’re fiddling on your phone when he tugs on your hand, causing you to look up at him. In his free hand are two mini stuffed animal ornaments. He’s gazing at them with a look in his eyes you can’t quite place.

“It’s us.” His eyes find yours. There’s a softness to his voice that compliments the warm smile he gives you. “We should get them… they’re perfect.” 

This time, you squeeze his hand back. His smile infects you, and you’re unable to do anything but return it. Nodding, you return your gaze back to the two little stuffed ornaments. “They are perfect… like us.” 

“There’s that smile I missed so much!” he says sarcastically.

“Aaaand moment ruined.”

You tug at his hand, trying to get them to finally unlink. The sweat forming in between them is getting a bit much. 

“You can’t escape from me that easily,” Hyunjin says with a smoulder.

“Ew,” you fake gag. “You’ve been hanging out with Jisung too much. Only he makes the fuckboy thing work, bestie.” 

“Bestie- zoned?” Hyunjin gasps, his over-dramatic look you’re so accustomed to taking over his features. “I thought I was your boyfriend?” 

Your smile drops and you want to smack him and his teasing into next week. “FAKE boyfriend.” 

He turns from you as he hisses to you or himself—you’re not really sure which—before he pulls you further down the aisle. 

“You’re no fun.”

two.

– november 3rd.

Looking around your dorm makes you want to throw up. 

After Hyunjin took you (read: dragged you) shopping the other day, the boy immediately took the bags of stuff to your dorm and started plastering the stuff everywhere. Now, the room is filled to the brim with golden lights and colourful tinsel, and your little desk tree was just as flashy. Considering that your space is a tiny college dorm, it makes the space feel a bit suffocating, but not unenjoyable.

You fear Hyunjin took “deck the halls” a little too far and that your dorm will catch on fire because of it, not just because of the three separate Christmas candles Hyunjin insisted on buying, but also because of how dangerously close they were to the tinsel. You wonder what your roommate, Yeri, would say about this. Actually, you’re not entirely sure when you last saw her.

You aren’t able to dwell much longer on the thought as a knock followed by a crash and yelp pulls you out of your own head. You hurry to the door and open it to find none other than your Christmas menace, Hyunjin, sprawled on his butt in front of you. Bags with what appear to be baking ingredients are spread all over the ground around him. 

“Hey~” is the only thing he says, a sheepish smile on his face, as you stare at him incredulously. 

“What’s all this?”

“It’s…” he starts as you help him up, then trails off once he’s upright. He bends down to pick up a bag of chocolate chips by his feet, then he looks at you and holds them out proudly. “…Our next date!”

You roll your eyes fondly at the boy. Of course, he already thought up a second date idea so soon. Knowing him, he’s probably been planning this since he got home after the first date.

But still, you can’t help but crack a smile. Baking cookies seems like a fun little fake date—after all, it’s hard to make Christmas cookies into some sappy Hallmark scene. Plus, you get to keep half the batch at the end.

What could go wrong?

As you help pick up the rest of the ingredients off the floor, you notice a neatly folded piece of paper fall out of Hyunjin’s pocket. You stick it in your pocket before placing a milk carton and a brown sugar pack on the kitchen island, then you take out and unfold the paper, squinting as you read it.

“Is this… Felix’s recipe?” you say. The distinct way he loops his ‘Y’s gives it away for you.

“N… No…” Hyunjin tries to convince you, but his statement comes out as more of a question than a definitive answer.

You give him another incredulous look.

“Okay, fine, it is!” he huffs, throwing his head back dramatically. “I begged him for the recipe so we could try to make it together. His cookies always come out great, so it can’t be that hard!” He grins confidently, but that facade quickly fades. “…Right?”

A smile returns to your lips. “Right! Yeah!” You’re afraid your smile looks more nervous than confident, though. “Totally…”

“We can do it! I think…”

Hyunjin laughs a little, and you follow too, even if it feels somewhat forced.

“And if we fail, we’ll just get the store-bought ones!” he adds. “Easy as pie.” A small smile dances on his lips. “Anything for my favourite girlfriend~” he sings, winking at you playfully.

Any hint of your smile, real or not, drops at the sentence.

“Fake girlfriend.”

“Potayto, potahto. Now help me with the batter.”

…

“Are you sure you’re doing this right?” you say.

Instead of jumping into baking right away, you and Hyunjin have spent the past ten minutes overwhelmed over the instructions Felix provided. It’s not that they’re difficult or anything—fifteen steps to make some cookies just feels like a lot. 

Especially to two beginners, one of which is struggling to cut a one-pound stick of butter in half with a cleaver. You’re left to watch Hyunjin nearly slice his fingers as he tries, a near-grimace twisted on your face.

“I got it, I got it!” Hyunjin grunts as he tries to push the cleaver down.  “Almost… there…”

The way his fingers are so dangerously close to the blade makes you wince. After another moment, you can’t take watching him anymore.

“Oh my god, give me the knife.”

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to shoo Hyunjin away from the cleaver while he’s holding it for dear life. Knowing him, he could’ve found a way to cut himself even after he let go. Luckily, you both remain unscathed and you successfully cut the butter in half.

“What’s next?” Hyunjin asks as he watches you cut one of the halves. He peeks at the recipe over your shoulder.

You scan the paper for the next step, moving it quickly so he can see, too. “Looks like the… dry ingredients? We can start with the flour, I guess.”

“Flour…”

Hyunjin hums along with “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande as he digs through the ingredient pile on the island. You glance up and find yourself giggling at the silly hand gestures he makes.

“Flour coming right…” he announces, letting out a grunt as he lifts the giant bag, “…up!”

You set the cleaver aside and rush to help him carry the bag. “Why’d you buy the ten kilogram bag?!”

“I didn’t know how much we needed!” He lets out a dramatic huff once you both get the bag on a stool.

“I’m pretty sure a normal-sized bag would have been enough, Hyun.”

“Look,” Hyunjin huffs again and runs a hand through his hair, “I’ve learned from Felix, alright? This is serious cookie and movie date business and we can’t make mistakes.” 

Fake cookie date.

“But there’s going to be mistakes, that’s just how it is.” You shrug, carefully opening the bag, then letting out a sigh as a lump of flour falls out onto the floor. “Just think, Felix’s recipes weren’t perfect straight away—” 

Hyunjin cuts you off with a gasp. A hand flies over his heart as he stares at you with betrayal. “Excuse you, they’ve always been great. You’re lucky I wouldn’t tell him you said that.”

You decide not to say anything else, but get the flour ready to sieve into the mixture. “Do you want to do this or I?” 

Even though he still has too much energy, he gently pushes you out of the way and takes the sieve from your hands. “Me, me, me.” 

Without bothering to do anything else, he takes a handful of flour and dumps it into a sieve and starts tapping at the side of it. 

“Hyunjin!” you gasp, “We could at least measure it first!” 

“Live a little, Y/N!” Hyunjin sways to the music. “You said nothing has to be perfect right away! I’m trying to follow your advice.” 

You blink, half-laughing, half-scoffing. “I didn’t mean to not follow the recipe! We still have to, you know.”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anymore, he just continues to sieve the flour into the bowl. However, by the bridge of the song, he’s so into it that he’s nearly forgotten what he’s doing. While he goes on autopilot, the flour soon enough misses the bowl entirely and lands on the kitchen counter and over his shoes. 

“Oops,” he giggles. 

“I’m baking with a child,” you mutter to yourself, arms crossed over your chest. 

He picks up another handful of the flour and looks down at the mixture before looking over at you. He stares at you, you stare at him. It’s like a silent battle. 

“Don’t you dare.” 

He does dare. However, instead of throwing it at you, he throws it up; and instead of landing on you directly, it falls lightly to the floor, just barely falling into your socks. He grins and a giggle escapes his lips. 

Whatever self-control you have leaves you at that moment and you grab your own handful of flour. As you step forward, he steps back, causing you to raise an eyebrow. 

“You’re not scared… are you?” you question.

He scoffs. “Me? Scared?” He fakes a cackle. “Never!” 

You take another step forward. He takes another back. 

“So you wouldn’t mind if I—” 

Rushing forward, you push your hand into his cheek, letting the flour fall from your hand and over him. Some of the remnants left on his cheek fall as he huffs. 

“That’s it.” He grabs another scoop. “You’re on.” 

You have exactly two seconds to decide what to do before Hyunjin stalks toward you, a mischievous grin on his face and handful of flour held high. You turn and start to scramble away from him right as he pounces, trying to grab you so he can dump the flour on your head.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” He giggles tauntingly. “Don’t you want a hug from your loving boyfriend~?” 

“Fake boyfriend!” you call over your shoulder.

Trying desperately not to trip, you make a mad dash for the living room, Hyunjin’s cackles ring in your ears as he bounds closer. You get two more big steps in and just as you’re about to leap for the couch, a strong arm wraps itself around your middle and pulls you back. 

“Got you~” Hyunjin’s voice is right next to your ear and you can practically hear him smirking in victory. You wriggle around, trying to free yourself but it’s to no avail. 

You’re able to turn just enough to face him and send him the glare he deserves. He just faces you, narrowing his eyes for a second, then that look falls to a more disapproving one.

“Are you ready to follow the recipe now?” the boy asks sassily.

You want to smack his pretty face so bad.

“I hate you.”

…

Surprisingly, Hyunjin keeps his word and actually follows Felix’s recipe, word-for-word. You’re happy with how the balls of cookie dough turned out, even though you just placed them in the oven—and don’t tell Hyunjin, but you ate a bit of the dough. It’s too good.

“And now we wait twelve minutes,” you declare as you start a timer on your phone. You leave it on the island and head over to the living room.

You watch, baffled, as Hyunjin spreads out tattered-looking physical copies of a bunch of Christmas movies over your coffee table. Once they’ve landed in a heap, he turns back and looks at you, the same way a dog does when it thinks it's done something incredible. 

To say you’re confused as to why he brought over DVDs when you could just rent the movies online is an understatement. Especially when he knew full well that you somehow had access to Chan’s Netflix account—you hacked it, but is it really hacking when his password is ilovefelix143?

Hyunjin’s eyebrows basically merge. Instead of being a little happy puppy, he’s now like a puppy with his tail stuck between his legs. “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

Your eyes shift from him to the movies and back.

“You…” sigh. “You know we have Netflix, right?” 

“That’s not the same thing,” he whines. “And you know it! The vibe will be totally off if we watch them all on Netflix!”

You might as well be a fan of BlackPink because all you can do is blink. “And it won’t be if we watch them on DVD?” 

Rising his fist, Hyunjin grabs your shoulder to shake you lightly. As you attempt to push him away, his grip somehow gets tighter. 

“Just pick,” shake. “one to,” he tugs your arm. “ start with!” 

“Alright!” You huff, flailing your arms around to finally get him to drop his grip. You point in a random direction. “That one!” 

It’s his turn to blink. “You’re not pointing at shit and you know it.” 

…

With a movie finally picked out, the title screen theme of The Muppets’ Christmas Carol begins to repeat as Hyunjin is in the kitchen getting the cookies out of the oven. However, after the fifth repeat, you’re ready to pull your hair strand by strand from your head. 

“Are you almost ready?!” you call out to him. “This music is driving me insane!”

Part of you wants to complain more, but you bite your tongue. It could’ve been worse—it could’ve been the theme of When Harry Met Sally on repeat.

Hyunjin appears at the door, tray in hand. “You can’t really go mad if you’re already there.” 

If it wasn’t a threat to the precious cookies currently residing in the tray in his hands, you would have thrown every pillow on this couch at him. 

“You say I’m mean to you, but then this is how you treat me!” You gasp, watching as he rolls his eyes.

You catch the way his lip turns up into a smirk when he sets down the tray of cookies on the coffee table. 

“I’m so sorry my precious girlfriend, whom I care so deeply about, how can I ever repay you?”  

It’s go time. Grabbing the pillow, you aim and whack him over and over as he falls onto the couch, his arms up in protest, but his laughter is still loud enough to seep into your ears. “Not the face! I’m too beautiful to die this young!” 

“I,” whack. “hate,” you huff and raise the pillow above your head. “you,” whack. “so much!” 

He somehow grabs the pillow, pulling it towards him. But with his strength, he accidentally pulls you forward, causing you to fall onto his chest. Like on instinct, his arms wrap around you tightly to stop you from falling off of the couch. 

You feel his breath on your ear as he lets out a chuckle and it makes a tingle run up your spine.

“I know you love me.” 

You’re up in a flash, using all of your strength to push him off of the couch and onto the floor. 

“AHH!!!”

You snicker at the loud shriek Hyunjin makes. Plopping your bum on the couch, you shoot your fake boyfriend a petty stare as you reach for a cookie and, very slowly, take a huge bite.

Holy shit. You’ve never tasted a cookie so good before. The way the gooey, melty goodness dances in your mouth is so addictive, you barely notice Hyunjin giving you a death glare from the floor.

“What?” you say with your mouth full, reaching for the remote.

“That’s supposed to be our batch,” he sneers nasally, as if he’s Squidward himself. You try not to spit out the food in your mouth.

“Not anymore.” You point the remote at the TV and hit ‘play’. “You can get the next batch.”

three.

– november 10th.

“Can we let go for a bit?” you mumble, causing Hyunjin to look at you. “My hand is getting sweaty.” 

“Oh, sorry,” Hyjnjin gasps, looking down at your hands. He lets go and rubs his palm against his jeans to wipe off the stickiness that has formed.

“Why are we holding hands so early, anyway?” you ask. “I know we’re telling the guys we’re ‘dating’ today, but they’re not even here yet.” 

Hyunjin blinks at you, takes your hand again, and entwines your fingers. “Because we have to make it look believable from a distance.” 

You try not to laugh. “You think they’ll even notice if we’re holding hands?”

He shrugs, locking eyes with the student worker that’s staring in your general direction. He attempts to follow their gaze. It seems like they’re looking at his and your hands. They could also just be waiting for the microwave oven to ding so they can serve someone their bagel. You never know, though.

“I mean,” he gestures to the cafe worker, “if that person notices, then our friends probably will.”

You raise an eyebrow. “I don’t think that person cares.”

“For Hyunjin?” another cafe worker calls.

With your hand still in his, Hyunjin gently pulls you with him to pick up a freshly-made sandwich for you, and bagel for him. He mumbles a ‘thank you’ before grabbing some napkins and heading for the seating area, scooting past students to the table for four he set his backpack on to call dibs. When the college cafe is always packed for lunch, claiming a table was more than necessary.

Hyunjin presses a finger to his chin as he thinks of where to sit, which chair will allow him optimal coupley vibes. After a moment of contemplation, he chooses one of the seats right by the window.

This prompts you to move to the one opposite of him. But before you can sit down, Hyunjin reaches across the table to grab your wrist.

“No! Sit on this side,” he says, gently tugging your arm.

“Why?”

“I told you, we have to make it believable! Remember?”

It’s a perfect plan. If Hyunjin acts as utterly sappy as possible, his and your friends will surely fall for it. What better way to scream ‘lovesick college couple’ than to sit on the same side of the table together? 

Also, how do you hold hands with someone who’s sitting across from you? Spoiler: you don’t.

But for now, you both eat. You plop down on the chair next to Hyunjin, albeit begrudgingly at first, and you end up finishing your sandwich fairly quickly. Hyunjin, however, takes his time. Not because he’s not hungry—he’s starving. But having half a bagel to work his way through is good in case things get awkward later on.

See? Perfect.

Soon enough, Hyunjin catches two familiar heads enter the cafe. He reaches for your hand under the table, lacing his fingers with yours when you take his hand with a sigh. He even considers subtly scooting his chair over to be even closer to you. Something in the dark crevices of his mind keeps begging him to do it. He’s not even sure why, but he scolds at that voice to wait a moment.

His eyes carefully follow Changbin and Jisung as they get out of line. They both wave at him, and he awkwardly waves back before they turn to each other.

After what feels like an eternity, Changbin steps up to the counter to grab two bagels. Then he follows Jisung to your table.

“What’s up, sweetcheeks?” Jisung says.

Hyunjin glances at you and when you look back, you make an expression as if to tell him ‘go on then’. Hyunjin however, decides against that, turning his attention back to the two boys sitting across from them. 

Changbin’s already stuck half of the bagel in his mouth to the point he’s struggling to chew. It’s disgusting, but for some reason it keeps Hyunjin in a trance. When that trance is broken by you swiftly jabbing him in the rib, he winces, glares at you, and looks back over the table. 

“About that,” Hyunjin laughs awkwardly. If he wasn’t already holding your hand, he would have gone for it to try and calm his nerves. 

“What is it?” Jisung asks, ripping a piece of his bagel off and chucking it into his mouth. “You two finally shacking up?” 

Hyunjin sits there stunned, only listening as you groan in disgust. 

“What is wrong with you?” you say.

Jisung smiles and sends a wink to you before leaning back in his seat. “It’s just my talent, baby.” 

Hyunjin keeps his eyes locked on his bag. This is fake, he repeats in his mind after the word ‘baby’ is uttered from Jisung’s lips. Why does it bother him so much? It shouldn’t bother him—it never has before. This isn’t real. It’s just a simple word Jisung has used to refer to literally everyone in your friend group. Hyunjin’s heard worse come from the boy’s mouth. ‘Sweetcheeks’, ‘’bubby wubby’, schmoopy poopy poo’... all Jisung said this time was ‘baby.’

This is fake.

Hyunjin feels you squeeze his hand. He squeezes it back as he finally looks up. You’re looking at him with your eyebrows furrowed, silently asking him what’s wrong.

This isn’t real…

Now his heart burns. He decides to blame it on too much cream cheese on his bagel. 

“What did you want to tell us?” Changbin tries to say as he gulps down his bagel before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Hyunjin glances over at you, and then back to his friends. He raises your enjoined hands. 

“So… we’re dating!” 

Changbin nearly chokes on his bagel at Hyunjin’s words. He looks up slowly, following your and Hyunjin’s arms up to where your hands meet, and he nods once. “Oh. Well, damn.”

Jisung, on the other hand, takes a moment longer to process the news. But when he does, his jaw slowly drops and he takes in a sharp breath. “Oh. My. GO—”

“Yah, shut up!” Hyunjin leans over across the table to slap a hand over Jisung’s mouth.

“…God,” the younger boy finishes his sentence quietly, his voice muffled.

Hyunjin maintains his stare at the younger boy as he slowly begins to pull back. No more screaming, he begs. He’s had enough of it for the rest of the year.

A tension hangs in the air around the four of them. Changbin goes back to carelessly munching on his bagel, and Jisung is gazing at Hyunjin and you, his very fake girlfriend, with an almost-maniacal smile.

“Soooo…” Jisung starts after a minute. Hyunjin can literally feel him gleefully kicking his legs under the table. “Who confessed first?”

Hyunjin pales at the question. He forgot to go over a cover story with you.

Luckily, before he can struggle to give an answer, Changbin swoops in and unknowingly buys him some time.

“Why are you the one who’s happy?” he questions. “I’m the one who won the bet!”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “You guys bet on us?!”

“We all did,” Changbin says. “Now Jisung owes half our group ten dollars each.”

“Wait, but we still don’t know who confessed first!” Jisung says.

“Why is that important?” Hyunjin says.

“‘Cause it was part of the bet, too!” 

Hyunjin stills again and looks at you helplessly. He squeezes your hand as if to signal that he needs you to come up with something, and fast. Something about how he had the most magical confession to end all confessions during the first snow that didn’t even happen yet this year.

“I-It was me,” you finally say.

Hyunjin has to stop himself from looking at you in surprise.

Jisung gasps loudly again. He’s so wholly entranced, Hyunjin doesn’t know how lucky he should consider himself for it. “Really?” 

Hyunjin watches as you clear your throat before nodding. You smile in a way that he swears he’s never seen before. You tilt your head and break your eye contact with Jisung to look over at him, then you look back at Jisung. 

“You expect him to confess?” You giggle lightly, gesturing to Hyunjin. “All he talks about is how he wants someone to confess to him.”

The two boys across from them are just nodding in agreement. That is true, Hyunjin thinks. He’s probably been talking about that since he started college, maybe even before. He can’t really describe the feelings that come from somebody confessing their feelings to you. 

“And…” you continue, “after the failed confession with Jisoo, I realised I should take it as a sign to confess.” 

You’re smiling to yourself as you shrug your shoulders, keeping your eyes down on the table. Hyunjin has never seen you act—and act this well. Jisung and Changbin are totally hooked, nodding along to everything you’re saying. They’re like two little children listening to a bedtime story doing everything they can to stay awake. You’ve got them wrapped around your pinky finger.

Hyunjin’s gaze focuses on your hand in his. He brings them to his lap and begins to play with your fingers, letting your words between the boys fade into the background. His mind is still lingering around the thoughts of Jisoo and the failed confession. 

He still isn’t completely sure what happened there. Why his crush, whom he was sure he was in love with, faded so quickly and so suddenly. He never thought falling out of like—or love—with someone could be that easy… but if he thought about it too much, he’d probably worry about the possibility of love. He decides that’s not a thought for now. 

“Woah,” Jisung says, his mouth hanging open. “That’s crazy.”

“That means you owe us another five dollars, genius,” Changbin says.

Jisung quickly turns to Changbin. “Let me grieve for my wallet first!” Hyunjin watches as Jisung rests his head in his hands in despair. 

“Why would you even bet on Hyunjin confessing first?” You can’t help but laugh. “You set yourself up for failure.” 

“Because maybe I had faith in him!!” Jisung exclaims, looking up at you. “I thought he’d have it in him!”

You glance at Hyunjin, smile sheepishly, and look back at the two boys that sit across the table from you.

“Well you should have known him better.”

“Ooookay,” Hyunjin says, suddenly moving to stand. “We, um, we gotta get going.” He turns to you, hoping you get the message. “Right, Y/N?”

You nod quickly and stand up too. “Yeah, we were gonna have a study date together,” you say as you gather your things.

“Okay, have fun,” Changbin says coolly.

“But we were just getting started!” Jisung counters.

Hyunjin lets out a sigh. “We’ll tell you guys everything tomorrow, okay?”

Jisung’s eyes narrow and he raises an eyebrow. The way he’s staring Hyunjin down is making him want to shrink up and hide. 

After a moment of awkwardness on Hyunjin’s part, Jisung opens his mouth to speak. 

“Tell us everything?” 

“Define ‘everything’, Ji,” you respond before Hyunjin has the chance to. 

“Everything means everything,” Jisung drawls out. “Like, come on guys, give us the details! The nitty gritty of it all!” He’s now leaning over the table as he pleads. “I just wanna know all about my two best friends’ relationship! Is that so weird?!” 

You share a look with Hyunjin. You’re giggling, rolling your eyes as you look back over at the boy. “Find your own girlfriend, Ji, don’t live through our relationship.” 

Jisung huffs, falling back into his chair with his arms crossed. “You guys are no fun.”

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” you say, and you both wave at the two boys. Changbin happily responds and Jisung, still grumpy, begrudgingly waves back. 

Luckily, this seems to be enough for you and Hyunjin to leave. Hyunjin swings your hands lightly, fingers still entwined, as the cafe door shuts behind you with a small squeak. 

There is no study date. There wasn’t really any regular ‘date’ planned—not unless the confessing? lying? to your friends counts. 

Regardless, you and Hyunjin look at each other and silently agree. You both deserve a sweet treat after that.

four.

– november 17th.

You wouldn’t dare tell Hyunjin, but once he told you about his “fantastical Friday date idea” earlier this afternoon, you’ve been feeling like a bottle of Coke about to explode.

Sure, he’s been a little crazy about hitting all the stereotypical Christmas romance activities, but this is ice skating! It’s fun and it’s romantic enough to scratch Hyunjin’s itch, but not too romantic. You’re only fake-boyfriend and fake-girlfriend, after all.

“Y/N?”

Hyunjin waves a hand in front of your face, bringing you out of your daze. You must have been staring at the fake icicles for too long.

“Huh? Yeah?” you say, blinking a few times.

He holds up two pairs of rental ice skates, one for you and one for him. “I already paid, let’s go put these on.”

You wander over to the benches where other skaters are lacing up. They make it look so effortless, but you and Hyunjin keep getting your fingers tangled in the long laces. And every time you attempt to stand up, your ankles feel so wobbly that you have to sit back down and tighten them. 

Eventually, your skates feel secure enough that you don’t wobble too much when you do make it to your feet. You look over at Hyunjin, who doesn’t look like he’s faring any better than you. 

“Do you think you can get up?” you ask. You’re starting to figure out how to balance, but you hold on to the edge of a table just in case.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin hums confidently. However, the deer-in-headlights look on his face as he slowly lifts his bum off the bench says otherwise. You’d laugh at him more than you already are if you didn’t do the same.

“Are you sure you can get up?”

“Totally!”

As if to prove you wrong, Hyunjin slowly begins to stand up. When he’s upright, he lifts one hand off the bench, then the other. Then he slowly shuffles one foot after the other in the direction of the rink, until he loses balance and nearly falls into the splits.

You try not to snort at his cry that echoes throughout the rink. Of course, you do the same as you try to follow him and your dear best friend returns the favour.

“HAH! Karma!” Hyunjin points and laughs at you before slipping and falling on his back.

“Hyunjin!” you exclaim, shuffling over to help him up.

“I’m fine!” he tries to reassure you once he’s upright again. He reaches for your hand as he waddles his way to the rink, this time successfully, and with you in tow.

You let out the breath you’re holding once your other hand finds the edge of the wall. Maybe you came into the rink too cocky, or maybe the old couple doing laps around you and Hyunjin made this look easy.

After you recenter yourself—well, after trying to—you look at Hyunjin, who has a death grip on your hand. “Are you okay?”

“Yep!” The boy smiles. “Very fine!” He slowly lets go of your hand, attempting to get away from the wall. He’s successful for a few seconds, then he finds himself wobbling again and he quickly grabs onto your arm.

Giggling, you try to shake him off. “Hyun, you’re gonna make me fall, too!”

He doesn’t respond for a beat. When you turn to look back at him, his legs are shaking, but he’s got a stupid smirk plastered on his face. Even when he’s visibly struggling, of course he has to do this.

“Oh, am I?”

You roll your eyes. “Oh, fuck off.”

You try to free your hand again. Somehow, his grip gets even tighter, and he manages to slide his hand down your arm and thread his fingers with yours.

“You’re gonna be wishing you’re holding my hand soon enough,” Hyunjin muses.

“Whatever you say, fake boyfriend,” you sigh sarcastically.

The old couple passes you by again; they seem to be out-skating every couple on the ice by this point. As they go in circles together, they show off their best disco moves as if they were on roller skates instead. The old man, as he swings past you two a second time, makes a heart with his hands behind the old woman, pumping it in the air to the beat of “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber as his wife continues to dance.

You don’t look back at Hyunjin, but you can imagine the stars in his eyes as he watches them. Instead, you pay attention to the way they move their feet. Push out with your right foot, then with your left. Right, left, right, left. With Hyunjin still gripping on tightly to your hand, you attempt to copy it.

“H-Hey!” Hyunjin squeaks from behind you. “What are you doing?!”

“Trying to get off the wall!” you say. You turn your head to look at him briefly. “You want to be a cute fake couple like those two,” you gesture to the old couple, “right?”

He stumbles over a ‘maybe’, but there’s no denying the way he wistfully watches the old man carefully spin the old woman.

You smile fondly. “Then come on. Watch how they move and try to do the same.”

It takes several laps and several more minutes to get into a rhythm. You can’t say that you’re gliding across the ice, but you’re holding your own without clinging to the wall. Barely. Hyunjin, on the other hand, suddenly seems like a natural. His graceful strides make you question if he was feigning clumsiness half an hour ago, or if he was just that good.

You try to catch up to him as you both make a turn and he looks back to check on you. He smiles at you and holds up a peace sign, flashing you a wink—and you freeze. You were already using all your brainpower to remember to keep moving your feet, and just like that, you forget everything you’re doing.

By the time you snap out of your daze, you’re about to crash into Hyunjin. You yelp, flailing as you try to brake. Hyunjin tries to catch you before you fall flat on your face, but you end up pulling him down with you and falling backwards.

Then you realise the position you’re both in. You’re on your back, and Hyunjin is half on top of you. You’re trying to catch your breath, but the way he tries to prop himself up with his elbows somehow sucks the air out of your lungs all over again.

“Hyun, slow down,” you say as he almost slips again. You catch his arms in yours and lose your breath for a third time. “One foot at a time, okay?”

You swear Hyunjin spaces out as you speak—there’s a gleam in his eyes you can’t quite place. But the gleam goes away just as quickly as it came, and he begins to regain his balance enough to stand up.

He holds out his hands for you and you grab on. He then slowly pulls, allowing you to find a way to get up with a pair of blades on your feet.

When you’re nearly upright, you take a wrong step and feel yourself flying backwards. You flail your arms as you try to prepare to land, but you feel Hyunjin’s arm wrap around your waist and pull you in just in time.

For a second, you feel like you’re in a cheesy Disney movie. The moment happened so fast, but feels so slow in hindsight. Now you’re here, your jaw dropped open in surprise, as your hands find their way to Hyunjin’s shoulders. Is this how Cinderella or something felt—

Wait, what the fuck?

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin says. His eyes search yours for any sign of hurt.

You take a beat to respond, nodding rapidly. “Y-Yeah, I’m okay.”

Hyunjin nods once. “Oookay. Do you wanna keep going?”

Right there, you contemplate just packing up and going back to your dorm. Even though the only one staring at you is Hyunjin, it feels like a thousand pairs of eyes are boring into your soul.

However, something in your heart, or maybe your brain, begs you to stay. So you nod.

five.

– november 20th.

Hyunjin stands and leans against the stairrail by the front of the university library. He’s too busy fiddling with his perfectly curated Christmas playlist, fall in love with me (this christmas), to even notice you pull up in your car. So when you honk the horn, he yelps and falls on his butt, then down a couple stairs, before sending daggers your way.

He watches as your passenger side window rolls down slowly and your shit-eating grin becomes clear from behind it. 

“You ready to go?” you ask.

Hyunjin, still glaring at you, slowly nods his head in response. 

“Then get off your ass!” you say. “You’re the one that wanted to go to this!”

He gets up with a dramatic huff and drags himself to the passenger seat of the car. The second he hops in, he leans forward and grabs your aux cord, plugging it into his phone and unlocks his phone, once again showing the Christmas playlist.

Meanwhile, you watch him in amusement. “You want aux?”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes at your sarcasm. But he answers regardless, too excited about the idea of a Christmas tree farm date. Another thing from his bucket list of Christmas dates to check off.

“Of course I want aux!” 

Clicking shuffle, he cheers to himself when the mystical violin intro of “Christmas Tree Farm" by Taylor Swift begins to play. Clicking twice to make the song repeat, he locks his phone before placing it in one of the free cup holders. 

“This is perfect!” He claps to himself, swaying the best he can to the music as he fastens his seat belt. “🎶And I’m somewhere else… just like magic… 🎶”  he sings along.

He looks over at you and you’re watching him again. This time he can’t tell if it’s in amusement or bafflement. “Can we go now?” 

Hyunjin nods, leaning back into his seat with a content smile. “You could’ve started when I got into the car.”

He lets his gaze linger on you for a second. When you look at him, he quickly looks away. Maybe he’s too impatient, but when he looks back at you a moment later to see if you have finally turned your focus to the road in front of you, you’re still staring right at him.

His cheeks begin to feel warm. Your gaze is practically peering into his soul, and you have your heater on full blast—it feels like a sauna in here. It’s not his fault you get cold so easily. It’s also not his fault a little voice in his head is telling him to use it as an excuse to be near you…

No. Bad Hyunjin.

He quickly shoves the thought away into a neat little box, something future Hyunjin will have to deal with. Right now, all present-day Hyunjin cares about is Miss Swift playing through the speakers.

And so he starts humming, which soon turns to quiet singing. Soon enough, the quiet singing soon turns into full-blown yelling of the lyrics. He’s here for the vibe, and the vibe is immaculate. 

“🎶AND YOU WOULD BE THERE TOOOO~!!🎶”

Good Hyunjin!

“Hyun, shut up! I can’t see the road!” you shout, your voice carrying over the music.

Hyunjin throws his head back in feigned agony. “Okayyy, okay!” he groans before bringing it down to quiet singing for the rest of the song.

When the music fades out, it’s silent for a moment. Hyunjin feels his cheeks hurt from how much he’s smiling. When it starts again, he bounces in his seat.

“Again?” you question, bringing his attention back to you. “Can’t we go to the next song?” 

He gasps and shakes his head. “Nuh-uh! It’s for the vibe, Y/N!” He nods slowly to emphasise his point. “The vibe!” 

You nod, your face full of confusion. “And the vibe is…?”

“That we’re literally going to a Christmas tree farm! Do you know how exciting that is?!” Hyunjin turns right to you as you pull up to a stop sign. He almost gets lost in your eyes when you look back at him. “It’s one of the key Christmas dates in the movies! And there’s a whole song about it!” He lets himself ramble on for a minute, trying not to get too lost in his fantasies. Despite his efforts, he soon feels himself about to spiral…

Then you look away.

Hyunjin lets out a sigh as he glances over at you. You’re focused on the road, your eyes flickering around as you wait for a good time to merge lanes. He knows that you only looked away to continue driving, but deep down, he fears that he pushed you away with his babbling.

He just looks down at his lap before he speaks, his voice trembling slightly. “Look, I… I know you hate Christmas, but—” 

“I don’t hate Christmas…” 

Hyunjin is surprised he can hear you with how quietly you’re talking.

“I…” You sigh. “I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this ‘Christmas romance’ thing. Like, what makes it more special than a romance-romance?” 

“Because…” He takes a breath before releasing it. “Christmas is magical.” 

The song ends. He reaches for his phone and his finger hovers over the pause button.

“Hyunnie, you don’t need to stop the—”

He stops the music, ignoring the sigh you let out when you do.

“It’s just…” he starts, then trails off. “I…”

A beat of silence.

“You…?”

Hyunjin looks at you, trying to read your reaction. It’s hard to tell if your furrowed brow is from concentration or confusion.

“Like…” he starts again, then he sighs.

How would he even begin to explain that the warm, fuzzy feeling he gets from Christmas, is one he’s only ever experienced secondhand? How is he supposed to tell you that he hopelessly projects onto an array of chiselled brunet men in cheesy holiday movies without sounding insane? That he dreams of taking walks in the snow and under the Christmas lights and in Christmas tree farms with someone, like all the male leads on the Hallmark channel seem to do? Will it seem naive? Or childish?

At the same time, though, if all these ordinary guys can find love without even trying… who’s to say he can’t, too?

“It’s… like… why wouldn’t you want that, you know?”

But of course, Hyunjin’s feelings are so grand that he can’t find the words to explain it.

You let out a sigh again, a more sympathetic one this time. “I… I guess? I…”

Hyunjin watches you carefully as you find your words. He realises, a few moments later, that he’s holding his breath. Why is he holding his breath? It’s as if this is a big deal. But it’s not. It’s just you.

You shrug, and something in him twists. “I– I don’t know. I just… I can’t see it for myself.”

A thick silence hangs in the air. It seems to taunt Hyunjin, pointing and laughing at him like the playground bully for even daring to open his mouth. He bites his tongue for another moment or two, thinking of a way to lessen the tension. But after that, he can’t bear the silence anymore. 

The song begins again. Maybe he was right to feel like a child.

…

By the time you park, the mood inside the car is much colder than the weather outside it. Hyunjin shuts the door behind him and lets it slam, even though he knows you’ll be annoyed about it. He shoves his hands inside his jacket pockets and hides himself the best he can in the collar of his coat. 

In a moment, you’re next to him. Your own hands in your pockets as you silently glaze over the mass of trees that seem to go on for miles. You both stand there for an uncertain amount of time, just utterly blown away by the amount of Christmas trees.

In the corner of his eye, Hyunjin notices you hold out your hand in front of him and leave it there. He stares at it wordlessly, and after a moment or two of nothing, you make grabby hand motions at him like a small child.

“What?” he questions quietly. When he finally looks over at you, you’re too busy staring at the lights beyond the entrance to look back.

“Just come on. We’ve got a date to enjoy…” You pause and take a breath.  “Boyfriend.”

A breath hitches in the back of his throat. You merely mumbled that last word, but Hyunjin heard it loud and clear. You begin to bring your hand closer to his again, motioning silently for him to take it, and he mentally curses at himself for how quickly his lips twitch up into a small smile.

Slowly, he reaches over and takes your hand in his, linking your fingers together. He uses every fibre of his being not to beam like an idiot.

“Where do we start?” you say, not really aiming the question at anyone.

Hyunjin shrugs. “I mean, we can start with the Christmas trees…”

His comment earns a chuckle from you, then a light punch to the arm. It’s a pity chuckle, but he’ll take what he can get. “No shit.”

Chuckling too, he gently tugs at your hand. “Come on, the Christmas tree farm awaits.”

Hyunjin squeezes your hand lightly as he leads you to the counter. He slips a five-dollar bill in the donation jar before walking in the farm with you. The golden lights of the welcome arch surround him with warmth, just like the feeling of your hand in his, as he makes a beeline for the rows of Christmas trees.

To Hyunjin, you seem content with him guiding you around all of the large Christmas trees, even when he takes longer than necessary to take in the waft of fresh pine coming from a few of them. He tries to hold back at first, but eventually he stops at a tree and comments on how much prettier it would look with a string of colourful lights and candy canes lining its needles. Then you two stop at the next tree, and he babbles about how fun it would be to have a real tree one year.

He’s sure he has stars in his eyes much brighter than the one he’d put on top of a real Christmas tree. And he’s lucky that it’s just you with him and you allow him to ramble on, nodding along as he does so. Every once in a while, he looks at you for your reaction to something he said, and he catches the small smile on your face. Whether it’s at him or the children who chase each other through the gaps between the trees, he doesn’t care. He’s just happy that you’re happy, and indulging in his silly fantasies.

There’s a relaxing aura about being at a Christmas tree farm that Hyunjin never expected. Well, maybe he should’ve expected this from the movies he’s watched, but experiencing the warm atmosphere himself is different than seeing it on a screen. The trees around you two seem to lift the tension from the car off your shoulders. He feels lighter, more at peace. And, more importantly, so do you.

The sun has dipped below the horizon, making way for strings of lights towards the centre of the farm. Lines of a purple hue dip upward to a point that stands taller than all the pine trees that seem to go on for miles. Maybe there’s something there that Hyunjin missed.

The light glow catches your attention, too, and you start walking closer to it, keeping a hold on his hand. You two weave through the rows of Christmas trees until you happen to pass the last row, and you find a spectacle of sparkling lights. Lines of red and white make a tent shape and meet the purple lights at the top. Beneath them, two reindeer made of wire and golden lights greet you. They almost look like they’re cuddling under the tent of red and white—something about it makes Hyunjin’s heart sing.

“Wow…” he whispers to himself.

And somehow, without realising it, words leave your lips softly. Hyunjin is so in awe of the lights, he barely notices.  “🎶Under the mistletoe…🎶”

He almost doesn’t feel your head lightly rest against his shoulder. The reindeer… why is it reminding him of you two?

“🎶Watching the fire glow…🎶”

The faint melody makes Hyunjin’s ear perk up, causing him to turn and gaze at you. You’re too immersed in the trees and the occasional giggling child running through to even notice you’re quietly singing “Christmas Tree Farm'' to yourself. 

It makes Hyunjin’s heart race just like it did back in the car. However, now, he doesn’t have the car heaters to blame his red cheeks on. He’s thankful you're too absorbed in your own little world to even notice anything going on around you. 

“🎶And telling me, ‘I love you’ …🎶”

It’s like whatever is above is blessing him, letting him in on a little secret, in the form of light snowdrops falling from the sky. They land so delicately on your hair and shoulders and there’s a little flicker in your eyes that Hyunjin can’t ignore.

Never once in his life did he think he would see the first snow with someone. But now that he is, the hopeless romantic in him is screaming at him what he should have known all along.

“🎶Just being in your arms…🎶”

There is no big realisation. There is no big freak-out. There’s nothing to unpack or be scared about when his heart swells just that little bit more than usual. As he’s looking at you—still too oblivious to notice—everything just makes sense. There is no need for perfect, there is no need for the unattainable. 

All he needs is you.

“🎶Takes me back to that little farm…🎶”

He doesn’t need to second guess himself, or try to convince himself of anything. He just knows. All the stories he was told by his parents, the ones he watched in the movies, every little fairytale that he’s held onto his whole life is true.

Maybe it’s not childish, and maybe he didn’t need to chase his fairytale moment at all.

He already has it.

“🎶Where every wish comes true…🎶” 

As you continue to mumble the lyrics to yourself, Hyunjin squeezes your hand, finally bringing your attention back to him. 

“Thank you for being here with me.” He smiles sweetly.

Your returning smile makes his heart do laps. “No, thank you.” 

He squeezes your hand again. You squeeze his back.

six.

– november 23rd.

It’s only when the mass of people leaving your class dissipates that you notice Hyunjin standing out in the hallway waiting for you. He’s leaning up against the wall, focused on his phone. When he finally looks up and sees you, his smile grows and he pockets his phone, holding a hand out to you.

You raise your eyebrow and glance at his hand for a second too long before he makes grabby hands at you. A giggle escapes your lips. “Why do you want to hold my hand so badly?” You take his hand before he can answer.

“Because my dearest and best girlfriend in the world, it’s time for another date,” he muses, skipping slightly and rocking your entwined hands in a more exaggerated fashion. 

Humming and nodding your head, you lean into him slightly. “What are we going to do?”

He shrugs. “I was thinking we go to the park close to campus? Since the snow has settled and everything, we can just walk around for a couple hours until I have to go to class.”

It’s then that you register that Hyunjin called you his girlfriend. Not his fake girlfriend, just his girlfriend. You don’t do anything to correct him right now.

Instead, you look up at him, a pout gracing your lips. “But I was going to studyyyy.”

Hyunjin just shoots you a doubtful look back. “Oh, really?”

“Uh-huh!” you whine. The professor of the class you just got out of kept hinting at a pop quiz next session—considering that you failed the last pop quiz, you really didn’t want to fail a second one.

Nodding slowly, Hyunjin still looks sceptical. “Riiiight, okay.”

“I’m serious! We’re graduating soon, I can’t flunk out now!”

Hyunjin nods again. “Okaaaay, but you have…” he counts with his fingers on his free hand, “five days until then!” He stops in the middle of the walkway, stepping in front of you and taking not one, but both your hands in his. “Come onnnn, please? It’s just one day! And it snowed! It’s the perfect day to not study!”

When you respond with a blank stare, it seems like Hyunjin is forced to take drastic measures. So he tries one more very convincing line. “I’ll make you a hot chocolate when we get home! I know how much you love hot chocolate. Pleeeease?”

Something about the way his bottom lip juts out and his eyes twinkle with hope makes you want to cup his cheeks in your hands and… punch him. Yes, exactly, punch him right in the face. Hit him where it hurts.

But alas, despite your growing urge to lovingly ki…ck him off the fifth floor of the university library, you know even that won’t stop him begging you to ditch studying. So you sigh.

“Make it with milk, not water; whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top. Don’t forget the marshmallows.” That quiz will have to wait another day, but seeing the wave of happiness and relief wash over Hyunjin’s face right before he crushes you in a hug makes it worth it.

“Deal!”

…

The park is less crowded than you thought it would be. In your experience as a college student, you thought more of you would use the snow as a way to escape the stress of upcoming deadlines. Yes, you had to be bribed with hot chocolate to be here, but still. If you know, you know.

Regardless, you’re not complaining that you and Hyunjin basically have the whole park to yourselves.

“We should sit under there,” Hyunjin says, pointing to a cedar tree. Never mind the blanket of snow covering its needles that could fall on your heads.

You look up at him, your face sour. “Is that really a good idea?”

“Oh… right,” he says sheepishly, then points to a bench several feet away from it. “How about there?”

You nod and let him drag you there, ignoring the pathways and cutting through the grass. You take it as an excuse to hear the snow crunch underneath your shoes.

As you both approach the bench, Hyunjin slowly lets go of your hand to scurry ahead of you and wipe the thin layer of snow from its surface. It earns a cry from him at how cold it is, causing you to shake your head fondly. 

“Why not get your gloves out?” you ask.

“I forgot I had them!” He plops down on the bench with a frown and pats the spot next to him. “Sit.”

You take a seat, pulling your backpack off your shoulders and onto your lap. Reaching in the front pocket, you blindly search for his and your gloves. When your fingers graze the soft fabric, you pull both pairs out and hand Hyunjin’s pair to him.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, hurrying to slip his gloves on his hands. Once you do the same, he holds his hand out to you.

You furrow your brow at him. “We just held hands earlier?”

Hyunjin pouts. “But my hands are cold.”

“Is that not what the gloves are for?”

“Y/N…” he pulls out the bottom lip and puppy dog eyes again. Oh no…

Your eyes guiltily flicker between his outstretched hand and his face. His stupid, pouty face that is making your heart feel things you don’t want to think about. God..

“It’s coooold,” Hyunjin whines. “And it’s a coupley thing to snuggle when it’s cold, right?”

Fake couple. But you don’t correct him out loud.

“Okay, okay,” you huff, taking his hand in yours. He smiles and entwines your fingers together.

You and Hyunjin sit in silence for a while hand-in-hand as you take in the serenity. Sounds of children giggling faintly ring from the other side of the small park, and the blanket of powdery snow in front of you is still fresh and untouched. You feel so at peace here, you don’t notice you’re scooting closer to Hyunjin.

Wait. You’re scooting closer to Hyunjin. And you’re leaning your head on his shoulder.

It’s because it’s cold. Yeah. Your bum is freezing and you could use the body heat of a fellow human. It’s like how penguins huddle for warmth in the winter, except you’re not in Antarctica; you’re in a quaint little park on a snowy day with your best friend—fake boyfriend.

And as a good fake boyfriend does, Hyunjin lets go of your hand in response and slips his arm around your shoulders. You feel his cheek gently rest on top of your head. You instinctively wrap an arm around his waist—instinctively? How did you know to do that? What are you doing?

Right, you’re snuggling. Snuggling like any ordinary couple would do. It doesn’t matter if you’re a fake couple; this is how you fake it till you make it, as they say. So you just stay like this for a few minutes. Hyunjin’s making for a great cuddler, anyway. Is he worried about not being as good as the guys in whatever movies he watches? He shouldn’t. Because he’s gentle and warm and sweet and now he’s kissing the top of your head.

Wait, what are you doing?

Your eyes fly wide open. You don’t move, but suddenly Hyunjin’s too warm and you feel suffocated in his arms. Now, all you can think of is any excuse to get up.

As if the universe was answering your prayers, a small tennis ball rolls by your feet. You look at the light green ball, then the dog leaping through the snow to chase it, then a kid you assume is its owner, far away but visibly out of breath. Letting go of Hyunjin, you bend down to grab the ball, running a few feet away before chucking the ball in the kid’s direction.

After watching the dog dash after the ball for a moment, you feel something cold splat against your back. You gasp in surprise and turn to see a frowning Hyunjin.

“You left me for a dog!” he whines childishly. He tries not to smile, but lets out a giggle at the end of his sentence.

You stare at him with your jaw dropped. “He’s cuter than you!”

He gasps loudly in offence and chucks another snowball at you.

“Who’s cuter now?!”

You scoop up some snow and toss it at his chest. “Still the dog!”

He gets up and runs straight for you. You squeak and run away, looping around the cedar tree close to the bench to try and slow him down. He quickly catches up with you, and you soon feel his arms wrap around you and pull you back. You let out a squeal at the move.

“You thought you could get away with that, huh?!” he says in between giggles. You’re just as giggly.

“Let me go!”

“Not until you say I’m cuter than that dog!”

He looks at you and you look up at him. He’s trying to pout at you, but you’re both laughing too much to take him seriously. But there’s something in his eyes, or maybe in his silly back-hug, that feels different… but you don’t want to think about that right now.

Instead, you smile and poke his cheek with one finger.

“Okay, fine. But only just a little.”

seven.

– december 1st.

Hyunjin feels himself buzzing from excitement as he guides you, hand-in-hand, through the busy streets of downtown. He would never admit it outright, but ever since you came up with the idea of fake Christmas dates, watching the switching on of the Christmas lights was high on his list. He’s dreamt of counting down the seconds until holiday lights illuminate the city, and has watched them alone. Just… not with someone. Not with someone who means as much to him as you do. 

He can’t tell what’s louder: his heart thumping when your hand squeezes his as you both tuck and swerve through the busy crowd, or the crowd itself. After his realisation a few weeks prior,  there’s something new and addicting about how your hand feels in his—like they were pieces of a puzzle, like they were destined to fit each other. He can’t get enough of it.  He wonders if Christmas romance movie characters feel their heart beating as fast as his when he’s around you. And he wonders if it makes your heart race just as much, if there’s even a slight possibility that you look at him the same way he’s grown to look at you. 

A slight tug on his hand pulls him out of his daze for just a moment. He looks back at you, who points excitedly at the giant Christmas tree in the heart of the plaza you two had just walked past. Smiling fondly, he follows you to get a closer look.

Hyunjin stops next to you, looking up at the huge, sparkling tree in front of you. He takes a moment to marvel at the bright lights strung across the expanse of the tree, the tinsel hanging from each branch,  and red and gold ornaments sprinkled throughout. The tree stands at such a great height, Hyunjin can barely see the shining gold star perched atop it. 

As his gaze drifts downward, across the tree again, his eyes fall on you standing by his side. In that moment, under the glittering lights bouncing off the small ornaments, Hyunjin thinks you’ve never looked prettier. You’re looking up at the tree in wonder, twinkles in your eyes as you take in the sights. You’re unaware of the way Hyunjin beholds you like you’re the most precious thing he’s ever seen. All the glowing lights surrounding you go dim in comparison every time you smile. 

To Hyunjin, you’re the sun, and he’s just a star in your orbit, circling around you and living for every moment your warm light shines on him. Without you, his world would be cold and dark, just as it was before you came into his life. 

Eventually, he tears his eyes away from you, focusing once again on the tree. Between the strings of bulbs, he sees flashes of a future he can picture with you: your first kiss, waking up to you in the morning every day, your wedding day and carrying you over the threshold of your home when you’re back from your honeymoon. He can see it all. Three kids, two dogs, and a hamster, family vacations, their friends being honorary uncles. 

Maybe he’s getting ahead of himself, but when he’s with you, he can’t help it. You are his forever and a day. 

Every time he steals a glance at you, you’re in a world of your own. You’re so focused on looking up at the pre-hanging lights that you let him drag you along without much thought. Not that he minds much, himself. The little sparkle in your eyes as you look around in awe is utterly adorable. Not to mention that you’re willingly out with him in matching Christmas sweaters—maybe reluctantly at first, but willingly nonetheless. He never thought he’d get you to agree, but now that you did, the oversized tacky sweater somehow makes you look even cuter than he imagined.  

He can’t decide whether or not to scream to the world about how precious you are, or if he wants to wrap you up in a blanket and keep you all to himself. He thoroughly believes the world deserves to see your brightness, but at the same time, he only wants you to smile at him. He wants to be the reason you smile so wide your cheeks hurt, he wants to be the reason to laugh so hard you fall off your seat. 

Hyunjin’s focus returns to in front of him, a small content smile playing at his lips. Not because of you (mostly), but because he already knows the perfect place to watch the switch on. He’s had this planned for weeks now—another thing he will never admit.

Ever since the announcement of the light switch on came on social media a few weeks back, Hyunjin has been on a special mission. Every weekend since then, he’s sneaked off to the city to find the best spot possible to see the lights in all their glory. (He had told you that he had been helping Changbin with some stuff; whether or not you believed him was another story). Somewhere not too crowded, somewhere not too far away. Something perfect—something you deserve. 

That’s when he discovered a small cafe, its entrance hidden in a small alleyway wedged between two buildings. He was surprised at first that it was open since there were no signs on the street to indicate its existence, apart from the small menu board at the bottom of the metal staircase. 

As he guides you into the alleyway, he hears you hum in confusion. Feeling your hand tense up slightly in his, he stops and turns around. 

You’re looking at him with furrowed eyebrows, concern drawn all over your face. With a light squeeze of his hand, Hyunjin sends you a smile. 

“Do you trust me?” he says barely above a whisper, squeezing your hand once more. 

Hyunjin’s smile widens as you don’t even hesitate to nod your head at him.

“Always.” 

Before you get the chance to speak, you’re already up on the roof of the small coffee shop. It’s surprisingly empty with how busy the streets are down below. It makes Hyunjin wonder why there aren’t more people up there, not that he’s complaining.

Even though you’re both out of the crowd, Hyunjin still doesn’t let go of your hand just yet. He’s too content in the way it feels right now, and he wants to soak up every moment of it, because he doesn’t know when he’ll get the chance to again. He could play the clingy card to buy himself more time—it’s something he’s done before when he was sick, and it’s worked—but it doesn’t feel quite right this time. This was different from his usual antics somehow. It feels natural, it feels right. But at the same time, he wants to jump around and do some somersaults, much like his heart in his chest is.

He quickly hides the way his smile drops when you let go of his hand and runs over to the metal railings, gasping at the better view of the hung-up lights. 

When you turn back to him, it’s like everything has disappeared around him and all he can see is you and your smile. He forgets how to breathe, he feels faint, and he wants nothing more than to wrap you up in his arms and to kiss you all over your pretty face. He can’t do that, of course, but will he do it in his dreams later that night? Probably. Most definitely. 

He almost misses it when you speak to him, your smile growing by the second. 

“This is great Hyun!” You’re bouncing in place. “How did you find this place?” 

He shrugs and looks everywhere except in your eyes to try and calm his heating cheeks. 

“Oh you know, I just stumbled upon it.”

He can’t help himself when you hold your hand out to him. “Let’s watch the lights together.” 

So he takes it, letting your warmth dance around his hand in a mix of comfort and giddiness. He’s sure you haven’t noticed the new effect you’ve had on him, too oblivious to the world around you to know when someone is falling head over heels for you. 

There’s a part of Hyunjin’s brain that tries to remind him of the deal. A reminder that all of these events are not real, just as he wanted. However, Hyunjin decides to push these thoughts down into a little box, lock them up with a lock and key, and bury it in his mind.

The countdown is like a faint blur in his ears, the chanting taking a backseat to the person right in front of him. All he can hear is your soft counting, all he can feel is his pulse racing in his fingertips.

“Five, four, three,” Hyunjin squeezes your hand.  “Two…” You squeeze it back. “One.” 

At the flip of a switch, a blaze of colourful lights brighten up the town. But to Hyunjin, even they don’t compare to the awestruck sparkle in your eyes that sets his heart aflame.

eight.

– december 7th.

Since it’s the week before finals, Hyunjin insisted this past weekend that you two have dates every day this week. One, you suggested to stop the dates so you could study and he said no. That’s an understatement, actually—he practically got on his knees and begged you not to do that. Like, shook-you-by-the-shoulders, one-step-away-from-giving-up-his-americano begged.

It’s funnier now that it’s over, but you’ve never seen him more desperate for anything. Weird. Maybe he ate too many of Felix’s brownies that day.

When Hyunjin arrives at your dorm for your daily date today, the first thing he tells you is, and you quote, “Sit your ass down and wait until I finish setting up.” So, not wanting to deal with his whining today, you do exactly as you’re told for once.

You let yourself sink into your couch as your eyes lazily follow Hyunjin around. He goes in and out of your kitchen, places his laptop on the coffee table in front of you, and opens it. The screen lights up, prompting him to input his password, but instead of doing so, he heads straight back into the kitchen without a word. 

Huffing silently, you lean forward and type in his password: the month and day of both of your birthdays. It takes a second, but when the screen loads into an already-opened, paused, full-screen video of a fireplace, you furrow your brows.

“Hyun? What's this?” you call out to him. 

Almost instantly, you hear him groan in response. Then he appears at the kitchen door and stares at you with his arms crossed. “I told you to sit down.”

“Oops?” You smile at him sheepishly. “I’m a rule-breaker.”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes before disappearing back into the kitchen. “A freak is what you are,” he grumbles.

You gasp. “HEY! I HEARD THAT!”

“THAT’S THE POINT!” he yells back from the kitchen.

Getting up from your seat, you make your way over to the kitchen, shivering slightly from the light chill in the air. You stay at the doorway, not wanting to sacrifice your feet to the cold tiles of your kitchen floor. Your eyes land on Hyunjin’s frame faster than you’d like to admit, and he’s standing over two mugs as he places  tiny marshmallows into each of them. 

“I thought I said sit down,” he says, not looking in your direction. You don’t want to know how he knows you’re there; you didn’t even move from the doorway. Maybe he saw you staring, maybe he just knows you that well… you hope it’s the second one.

“I couldn’t sit still,” you huff, bringing your arms across your chest. 

He picks up the two mugs, takes a few steps towards you, and gestures to them with his head. 

“Take these,” Hyunjin says as he hands them over. “Go sit back down, I’ll get some blankets.” 

“M’kay.” Your voice comes out higher than usual. Praying he doesn’t notice, you quickly cover it up with a cough. “I mean, yep. Mhm.”

You hold your breath as you shuffle back over to the couch, exhaling deeply as you place the two mugs on the coffee table next to Hyunjin’s laptop. It’s when you sit down that you notice the whipped cream and drizzle of chocolate syrup he added to top both of your drinks. As your gaze follows the steam lightly swirling out of the mugs, you can’t help but smile. He remembered your favourite.

Not even a minute later, he’s back, your duvet in his arms. Before you can ask why, he throws it down on top of you. 

“ACK!” you shriek. “I thought—” you attempt to speak as you wrestle your way out the duvet, “you were getting blankets!” 

“I got a blanket, didn’t I?” 

“But why the big one?!”

You feel the couch dip as Hyunjin sits down beside you. He helps free you from the duvet before he straightens it out, waving it once and letting it drape down across your laps. 

“So we can do this.” 

You just keep your eyes down on the duvet for a moment. It’s more than enough to cover both your and his legs, which you guess a throw blanket wouldn’t have been able to accomplish.

When you finally look up, though, Hyunjin is smiling at you tenderly. You catch yourself holding your breath again as his soft gaze finds yours. For a second, the brown hue in his eyes reminds you of the chocolate drizzle in your hot chocolate—comforting, sweet—maybe too sweet for some, but just the right amount for you. Has the brown in his eyes always sparkled like it is now?

Wait… what are you doing?

“Oh, u-um…” You blink a few times to try to bring yourself back down to earth. “Then this works, thanks, Hyun.” You take a mug from Hyunjin when he hands one over to you. “So what exactly are we doing?”

“We’re going to cuddle and drink hot cocoa by the fireplace,” Hyunjin hums, nodding proudly before taking a long sip of his drink.

You take a second to process his words, then you glance at Hyunjin’s laptop screen. “But that’s YouTube?” 

He turns to look at you and blinks. If you could reverse time, this would be the perfect time to do it. 

“Well, I know that, but we don’t have a fireplace.” He sighs. “This is the best we got.” 

He leans over, clicks ‘play’ on the video, and the delicate crackling of fire emanating from his laptop begins to fill the room. Maybe it’s not a real fireplace, but the heat you’re feeling from him sitting so close and the comforting sounds make you feel plenty warm.

Hyunjin settles back into his spot on the couch, picking up his mug with one hand. You lift up your mug, too, and softly clink it with his, taking a sip together as well. You’re so engrossed in the sweet, creamy drink melting in your mouth, that you don’t notice Hyunjin has casually slipped his arm around your shoulders until another few sips later. You lean your head against him and do nothing to shake his arm off, even though a tiny part of your brain screams at you to make it stop.

You’ve lost track of how much time has passed, but when the hot chocolates are finished, the crackling has faded into the background and the sound of Hyunjin’s faint snoring fills your ears. It’s enough time and space to let your brain wander. Iit wanders to the way Hyunjin’s cologne is a constant in your life, the way you always know where he is and where he’s been. It wanders to how every piece of clothing you own, and your whole life, is in some way infused with the essence of Hyunjin. 

Moving your head ever-so-slightly so you don’t wake him, you let your eyes gaze at the blond-headed boy for a moment too long. You can’t understand why he tries so hard to chase after perfection, when that’s already what he is. The way his eyelashes lay across his cheeks and the way his nose scrunches up at something in his dream—you can’t help but smile at the boy who has you wrapped up in his arms. 

It made you wonder when the feeling of his arms around you began to feel different. Hyunjin is Hyunjin, your best friend and nothing more than that. This fake dating thing is just that—fake. It’s a made-up relationship, a scheme to give Hyunjin what he’s always wanted: a college Christmas romance. One that started to feel a little too real to you.

There shouldn’t be feelings involved when it comes to fake dating. Everyone knows that. You can count all the romcoms you’ve ever seen on only one hand, but even you know that rule. But the way Hyunjin hugs you tighter in his sleep causes not only your heart, but your head to race as well. You’re suddenly too warm, the laptop is too loud, and you feel like the weight of the world has just fallen on your shoulders. 

Your breathing begins to pick up, but you’re pulled back out of it when you feel Hyunjin move beside you. Your eyes find his half-opened ones; he looks like he could fall back asleep at any moment. 

“Are you okay?” he mumbles before letting out a yawn, his arms still secure around you. 

You hum, pretty much shoving your head into his chest, your eyes focused on his laptop. “I’m okay, Hyunnie.” 

Luckily, the sleepy Hyunjin doesn't question it. He just pulls you closer and places a kiss on your hairline, sending your mind into another spiral. 

“Just take a nap.” You feel him yawn again. “Just enjoy this time.” 

When Hyunjin’s snore fills your ears once more, you let out a breath and do your best to blink away the tears swelling up in your eyes. 

This was a big realisation for your brain to handle on a Tuesday night. And you're not sure what to do about it apart from what you do best—ignore it and hope it goes away. 

nine.

– december 14th.

Before anyone can even say anything, Hyunjin knows he should be focusing on his art theory class. However, as he’s laying down across his desk with his head resting on his arm, he can’t help but stare at his phone in despair. 

It had been seven days—one week—since the magical movie night at your dorm. Since then, all of his messages had gone unresponded—actually, you responded exactly one time: the morning after when Hyunjin had asked about getting breakfast. You were busy. 

He mindlessly unlocks his phone, opening his message chain with you. Still no response or even a ‘read’ alert from you at the bottom. Deep down, he knows you haven’t even clicked on his messages if there is no ‘read’ alert, just like how his fridge won’t magically fill up with food if he doesn’t restock it… unless you turned read receipts off entirely, but that’s too much effort for you to do. 

He lost count of how many times he told you in high school to turn it off when you were in fights with your friends. You’d keep opening their messages and the fights would only continue when they saw you were ignoring them. You always brushed him off saying that there was no point, that they’d still know anyway. 

But here he is, staring at his phone, wishing for something, anything from you. At this point, he would take a ‘read at 3:25pm’ over the vacancy his inbox seems to taunt him with.

He only realises that class is over when the mass of people in the lecture hall scramble around him to leave. Hyunjin picks up his head from his table and sits there a moment longer. 

The other students make a beeline for the door, the professor glances at Hyunjin still sitting there and shakes their head, before following the students out the semi-open door, closing it behind them. Even with everyone’s presence in the room gone, it still feels just as empty as it did twenty minutes before. 

His phone lights up and a little bit of joy enters his heart, only for it to be smashed into pieces when the words become clear. 

Binnie : YO !! 

Binnie : free to get lunch or you with y/n? 

Hyunjin responds with a simple ‘i’m free.’ He locks his phone and shoves it into his pocket before throwing his messenger bag over his shoulder, dragging himself out of the lecture hall to wherever Changbin and the gang are. 

…

Hyunjin can hear them before he sees them. 

Jisung’s incessant screams and Changbin’s laughter are both way too loud for Hyunjin to put up with in that moment. But still, he wonders, following the sounds as they grow closer and closer and the two clowns (said with affection) become clear. 

Jisung’s too busy running around the picnic table, screaming about something with Changbin laughing so hard he has tears streaming down his face. Next to him is a silent-as-ever Chan, watching in amusement with a dopey smile present on his lips. 

It goes silent when Hyunjin drops his bag with a thud on the table. It makes him wince and the stares from three of his friends makes him wish the world would swallow him whole. It’s still silent when he throws one leg over the bench and sits himself down, bringing the other leg in before using his bag as a pillow.

Three, two, one… he thinks.

“What’s up with you?”

There it is. Hyunjin ignores the question as he tries to push his head further into his bag.

“Hyun?” Chan’s voice is softer than the other two boys. Whilst he knows the other two mean well, it’s a lot more comforting when it’s coming from Chan. “Are you okay?” 

It takes all of his strength to pick his head up off of the table and look at the eldest of the four boys. Hyunjin feels as if his default look is to frown and when the other two boys clock on, Jisung is sat down next to him in a flash. 

“Bro,” Changbin starts. “You look as if your mum told you you’d never see Kkami again.” 

This clown (again said with affection) really did not have the slightest indication of how to comfort someone. There was something unique about Changbin, he had heart, but brains? That and reading the room wasn’t always his strong suit. 

“I think what he means is,” Chan rephrases, “you look really down in the dumps. What’s up, buddy?” There he goes, talking as if he’s seventy when he’s barely twenty-six.

“Y/N hasn’t spoken to me in a week…” Hyunjin mumbles, letting his head fall back onto his bag. “Do you think she hates me?” he asks, but to the trio it comes out more like, ‘o u inks smates me?’ 

He isn’t sure who places a hand on his back—he assumes it’s Jisung with the angle. All he knows is he can feel a cold hand just barely pressing through his hoodie. 

“Maybe she’s busy?” Jisung says, patting Hyunjin’s back lightly. “She’ll send her usual emoji update when she’s ready.” 

Hyunjin only picks up his head again so his friends can hear him. “She hasn’t even read any of my messages.” 

It’s quiet, too quiet. When he sits up to look at them and Jisung’s hand falls from his back, Hyunjin’s frown just enhances. The boys look at each other, frowns present on their own faces. Hyunjin doesn’t think they completely understand the situation. But then again, neither can he.

“What do I do?” he says. 

“She’s probably busy with exams…” Jisung blurts out, looking at the two boys sitting across from them before looking back at Hyunjin. 

“Yeah!” Changbin pipes in. “Plus her internship! That’s probably keeping her busy too, especially since it’s close to Christmas!” 

Hyunjin looks over at Chan, he’s silent like usual. He has a sad smile on his face, like he wants to say something to calm Hyunjin’s worries, but he’s just not exactly sure what those words are. 

“Thanks guys…” Hyunjin does his best to smile.

Jisung brings him in for a tight hug. Even though he normally would have, Hyunjin doesn’t try to push him away. The coos from the two other boys make his heart feel just a bit warmer. 

…

– december 15th.

Hyunjin should have called first. But with how silent you’ve been over the past eight days, he knew you wouldn’t have picked up. So here he stands, two pizza boxes in one hand as he tries to pluck up the courage to finally knock on your door after standing outside it for god knows how long. 

He wonders if you’ll smell the pizza from inside and open the door yourself so he wouldn’t have to knock. A boy can dream. 

He clenches his fist so hard it turns white. Takes a deep breath, releases it. Takes another one. He thinks about how he’ll knock on the count of three—but then procrastinates even more by thinking about if he means he’d do it on three or after three. 

In actuality, he doesn’t need to do anything when the sound of your door unlocking makes him smile slightly. He knew you’d smell the pizza. 

When the door opens up wide enough, you jump back slightly in surprise. Hyunjin can barely believe himself either. He’s actually here… in all his anxious glory.

“Hyunjin…” 

Your face visibly pales, causing Hyunjin to frown. Did you really not want to see him that badly? Over a week of nothing and this is how you react when you see him again? 

He looks down at your outfit. You’ve got your puffer coat on and your bag draped across your chest, sending the puffiness out in awkward directions. “Where are you going?” 

“I– I’ve got class,” you stutter. 

“Oh.” Hyunjin’s shoulders drop. 

He motions to the pizza boxes in his hand and smiles sheepishly. He watches how your eyes glance at them before darting off in another direction.

“I thought we could chill and have pizza, like normal,” he explains, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m sorry, I forgot you had class today and…” Hyunjin pauses. He takes another deep breath as he watches you, waiting to see if you’d finally look at him. “I was just wondering if we could talk… it’s been a while you know?” 

One of your hands comes up to fiddle with the hair behind your left ear. Hyunjin takes note of how you bite at your bottom lip. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.” 

Hyunjin blinks. You’re still avoiding his gaze.

“Can we at least talk quickly?” he asks. He can’t tell if he’s grateful or not when you open the door wider for him to enter. 

“Okay. Just make it quick.”

He shuffles inside, placing the pizza boxes down on the coffee table that once held his laptop as their makeshift fireplace. Turning back to you, Hyunjin now sees how your hands are shoved into your pockets. Your coat is zipped all the way up so you can hide your face in your collar. 

“Where have you been?” The question escapes his lips before he can even register it. 

He’s watching you for every single change in your body language, every little muscle movement. Anything that will clue him into what the heck is happening. 

“I’m sorry,” you say, barely above a whisper. “I’ve been busy with schoolwork, and my internship is piling more on me because Christmas is coming up.” Just like Changbin had thought. But even then, it didn’t feel enough. 

“You could have said something,” Hyunjin sighs. “Anything. Even just an emoji like you usually do when you’re cramming.” 

He’s surprised when you have nothing to say. You’re just hiding in your coat collar and he can see the distressed look on your face. Hyunjin has never felt more confused in his life, and here you are, doing nothing to help. He feels as if he’s questioning every life choice he’s made up to this point. 

“Are you okay?” he speaks again after another moment. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” 

Hyunjin feels like tiny needles are being pricked into his heart, and your silence is pushing them deeper. The more seconds that tick by, the more his heart crumbles in his chest.

He watches as you take a deep breath in. He watches you as you exhale. 

“About that…” You gulp and take another breath. “We should stop this… we should break up.” 

Hyunjin can hear the glass house around him break into hundreds and thousands of little pieces. He’s sure that in all that rubble is his heart—pierced and splinted, bleeding out from each wound. Yet all that he can do is blink. 

“...What?”

For the first time in his life, he cannot read a single expression or feeling on your face. It’s like he’s been placed in the middle of the desert; no map, no compass, nothing. He’s lost, afraid, and so, so alone. And you’re just standing there, a mere few feet away from him, unable to even look him in the eye.

“We should end our agreement.” You’re fiddling with the strap on your bag as if to keep your mind from spiralling or wondering. “Look, everything with class and my internship is getting busier, and you wanted Christmas dates, right?”

You gulp again. Hyunjin is just silent. He can’t even nod.

“You got what you wanted. You got the dates and to experience a Christmas romance.” You finally look him in the eye, and it’s like one final stab to his heart. “So we should end this now, so we can both focus on the things we need to.” 

You’re finally staring at each other, battling it out silently for who can keep their hold the longest. It’s torture and Hyunjin’s never felt pain like this… it pierces into his stomach so bad that he wants to throw up. 

“Hyunjin—” 

Before you can even finish your sentence, you’re cut off by the sound of the door unlocking. Your eyes widen in surprise as Yeri, your usually missing roommate, walks through the door. She has a suitcase behind her, probably back from whatever adventure she’s been on with her girlfriend. 

You seem glad to see her back in one piece, but god, did she have the worst timing. It makes Hyunjin want to scream. Why now, of all times, did she have to decide to come home? Right when Hyunjin’s in the middle of being ‘dumped’ by the person he’s in love with?

Yeri looks up in shock, takes one of her airpods out of her ear, and grins sheepishly. 

“Oh, I’m sorry…” Her eyes flicker between you and Hyunjin. She’s not sure what to make of the awkward atmosphere, but Hyunjin doesn’t blame her. “I’ll…” She motions to her bedroom door to insinuate the end of her sentence, before dragging her suitcase behind her. 

When the soft click of her door closing behind her is heard, you turn your attention back to Hyunjin. You open your mouth to speak, but before you can utter a word, he shakes his head. 

“No.” He doesn’t even let you begin. 

He wants to scream and cry out, not only in confusion, but in what Hyunjin can’t tell is anger or just pure sadness. He doesn’t, partly because he knows Yeri is within earshot, but also because he doesn’t know if he has the energy. His mind is making so many laps and leaps trying to figure out everything that he just wants to lie down.

He gasps for air. His eyes feel misty and he wants to do nothing but run. 

“I get it,” he mutters, looking away. “You can have what you want.”

Hyunjin says no more, leaving the discarded pizzas on the coffee table. He ignores the way his heart stings when you don’t call after him. He doesn’t even bother to wait for the elevator, choosing to rush down the stairs to get out of the building as fast as possible whilst wiping his cheeks haphazardly with the back of his sleeve. 

He once again wants the world to swallow him whole—or for him to sleep for the rest of the Christmas season. Because, honestly, none of it seems worth it anymore.

ten.

– december 18th.

How is it possible that three days can feel like an eternity? 

‘We should end this.’ Your voice repeats in Hyunjin’s brain in a constant loop. It torments him when he’s awake and stays to haunt him in his dreams. ‘We should break up.’ 

The first day felt like torture. All he wanted to was rant about you, to you. Sure, he could go to his other friends, but when you’re his first choice… what could he do? He couldn’t call or text you now that he wants to more than over. He wanted to cry at the sound of your voice and beg you to reconsider—to go on real dates with him—to have a real Christmas romance. 

‘You got what you wanted.’

Day two was just as hard. When he hadn’t blown up the group chat over some random thing in over twenty-four hours, this was when his friends got worried. So they blew up his phone instead with a mixture of concern and heartfelt care, and whatever you call Jisung’s messages. Hyunjin decided to ignore them, but kept checking his phone on the off-chance he’d get a text from you. Eventually, he turned over his phone and rolled over in his bed, shutting his eyes and hoping the world would disappear for a bit. 

‘You got the dates, you got to experience a Christmas romance.’

Now here he sits, on day three, in the trio’s shared off-campus apartment. He only begrudgingly got out of bed when Jisung threatened to start screaming outside his door. He’s lying sideways across the couch, his feet propped up against the armchair. He hasn’t washed his hair in too long, he vaguely thinks a family of birds might nest in it someday, and his grey sweats have a big blotch of brown on one leg. He spilled hot Americano on himself when he got home after your breakup, but he didn’t have the energy to change out of them.

He knows he shouldn’t be calling it a breakup when you two were never really together. But when his feelings are completely and utterly real, it really feels like one. He feels his eyes start to become misty again, and he shoves his head into his sweater paws as he tries to bury himself in the sofa more. 

‘So we should end this now.’

Chan, Changbin, and Jisung are all watching from the barely-used dining table. They are at a loss for words, they hadn’t thought about the possibility of you and Hyunjin ever breaking up. To everyone in the friend group, you two were set for life, ride-or-dies, the sunshine to the flowers. To them, there was never any possibility of a break up. They just didn’t get it. 

Changbin takes a sip of his protein shake through a bright pink curly straw, and huffs. “This is weird, dudes.” He looks over at the two other boys, who still have their eyes on Hyunjin. “He’s never been like this with anyone.” 

“Y/N isn’t just anyone, though,” Chan responds.

“Yeah,” Jisung sighs, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. His eyes still bore into Hyunjin. “They’re, like, totally made for each other.”  

Hyunjin brings his hands away slightly, sending the best glare he could manage. To the boys, however, it was more pitiful than scary, like a kicked puppy. All they want to do is scoop him up and never let him go until his heart is unbroken.  

“You know I can hear you, right?” Hyunjin asks. “And to be honest, I really don’t like all this mumbling.” 

The boys don’t hold his bad mood against him. He’s upset, frustrated, and they know he’ll apologise when he’s feeling better. Chan takes the lead, opening his mouth to speak before the other two dummies could say anything to make Hyunjin more upset. 

“We’re sorry, we’re just confused on why you guys broke up,” he explains. The other two boys nod their heads as the eldest speaks. “You two have always seemed so perfect for each other.” 

They notice how Hyunjin’s shoulders drop and he goes to hide his face in his sweater paws again. His words come out all muffled and Chan, Changbin, and Jisung all glance at each other to see if any of them understood what he said.

“What was that?” Chan asks. Hyunjin yanks his sweater paws away from his face, turning his head sharply at the boys.

“We never broke up, okay?!”

The trio can now really see how glassy Hyunjin’s eyes have become. They exchange concerned glances with each other, frowns of their own also covering their faces.

“W-Wait. What do you m—” 

Hyunjin cuts Chan off with a hiccup. 

“We— we were never really together... So w-we never really broke up.” 

The boys are stunned, confused and so completely stunned. They don’t know where to even begin to wrap their heads around the confession. But it also leads them to the next question, if it was all fake… why was Hyunjin so distraught now that it was over? 

Now it didn’t take a genius to figure that out, but it was better to hear it from Hyunjin himself.

“Okay,” Chan gulps, “do you want to start from the beginning?” 

So Hyunjin starts from the beginning. He starts off with the confession from Jisoo that was totally not the vibe. He talks about how he went to you to whine about how he was losing his chance for a college christmas romance, to how you suggested he should fake date someone to get the experiences he wanted. To how he had decided you were his perfect person for the task. 

“Why didn’t you just tell us it was fake, man?” Changbin asks, “it wouldn’t have been that much of a deal.” 

Hyunjin sighs, falling back into the chair and letting his head fall backwards so he can look up at the ceiling. 

“I don’t know, just wanted it to seem more realistic I guess.” He sighs. 

“Well…” Jisung continues, “what happened next?” 

So Hyunjin continues with his story. He talks about the decorating of your dorm, he ignores the comment from Jisung about that’s how your apartment got that way. He goes on to talk about the movie night and the cookies to the ice skating, and he talks about the Christmas tree farm. 

“From there…” Hyunjin slows down and pauses. 

The trio is silent, waiting for the blond to admit what they all know. They’re not sure how long he’s silent for, it could have been only a second, but in that moment it could have also been a lifetime. 

“From there… It was different.” 

He looks over to the three boys at the dining table. He felt like his heart was cracking in a whole new different way. When he was keeping it to himself, he could shove it into a little box and act as if it was something future-Hyunjin had to deal with. But now this present version of him hated past him for even thinking about putting the emotions aside to begin with. 

“I don’t know when it happened, or if it happened long before I even realised it, but she’s different. She’s her version of perfect and now it’s blown up in my face.” Hyunjin’s frown is contagious. “I– I love her and now she wants nothing to do with me anymore.” 

“I’m sure that’s not true…” Changbin tries to sympathise, but Hyunjin just shakes his head. 

“You should have seen her, she would barely look at me.” Hyunjin begins to hiccup again. “She’s the love of my life and it ended before it even started.” 

Jisung opens his mouth to speak, but Chan quickly nudges him in the side to be quiet. When Jisung looks at the older boy, all Chan does is shake his head. A look on his face saying let him get this out. 

“Ever since the Christmas tree farm, she’s been different, she’s amazing and kind–” Hyunjin hiccups, blinking away the tears he could feel welling up in his eyes. “She has this sparkle about her and even though I know it annoyed her, she still let me go on and on about how I wanted a perfect college Christmas romance when with her… I don’t need perfection.” 

“What are you going to do?” 

Hyunjin feels like curling up into a ball. He wishes for his friends to stop staring at him. He wants to hide, he wants to cry, and he wants to eat his body weight in a food that isn’t going to remind him of you– not that there were many types of those things. 

“I need to give her the space she wanted,” Hyunjin states. “She can do the things she needs to: focus on work and her internship. And I'll wait…” 

“Wait for her?” Jisung says.

Hyunjin nods. “I’ll wait forever if I have to.” 

eleven.

– december 14th.

When the soft click of her door closing behind her is heard, you turn your attention back to him. You open your mouth to speak, but before you can utter a word, he shakes his head.

“No.” He doesn’t even let you begin.

He gasps for air and you can see him blinking rapidly. You feel your heart tear in two.

“I get it,” he mutters. “You can have what you want.”

Before you can utter another word, he’s out the door. You’re sure the pizza he leaves behind is cold by now, but even if you were hungry a few minutes ago, you’re not anymore. What you want more is for him to turn around, to come back when you call out to him.

But he’s gone. It’s too late.

“Okay, so what was that all about?” Yeri’s voice breaks you out of your trance. 

You’re not sure how long it’s been since Hyunjin left your dorm, your door is still wide open, and you haven’t even moved a muscle. Even though you have class in twenty minutes—that part you didn’t lie about—you want nothing but to run into your room and hide there for the rest of the year.

You clear your throat and your hands go back to the strap of your bag to keep them entertained. “I… I don’t know what you’re on about.”

You haven’t even turned to look at her and you know that she knows you’re lying through your teeth.  

“Uh huh,” Yeri tuts. 

You hear her footsteps get closer to you before she’s come up beside you and is now in eye view. 

“So no trouble going on with Mr Blond Best Friend, then?” she continues to question. 

You stay silent in response, not trusting your own voice. Your eyes start to feel wet. You were able to keep up an act in front of Hyunjin, but now that he’s gone and the vision of his teary eyes keeps repeating in your mind, it’s getting more and more difficult to pretend. 

“Nothing’s going on,” you clear your throat again. Tugging on your crossbody bag, you look at her once before rushing to the door. “I need to go to class, glad to see you back.” 

Yeri can’t even get another word out as you rush out the door, slamming it behind you. You unknowingly take the same route as Hyunjin, rushing down the stairs to get out of the building as quickly as possible. 

Once the cold air hits you, you take a deep breath and wipe your cheeks with the back of your hands. 

You had to, it was the only option.

“Hyunjin!” you call out, looking all around you. Several students push by you, some wearing holiday pyjamas or Santa hats. You don’t understand how they can feel even an ounce of Christmas spirit right now.

You try running somewhere, anywhere, ducking and weaving through the pack of students making their way to wherever they want to go. There are hundreds of students out, yet you can pick out one blond head from the crowd.

“Hyunjin!”

You run faster. Before you’re able to process it, someone on an electric scooter whizzes by, knocking you off your feet. You yelp and stretch your arms out to catch yourself.

And now you’re on the ground. Groaning, you slowly move to get up. Hundreds of students pass by where you lie, but not one stops to help you. Until…

“Oh my god, Y/N!”

You light up for a second at the familiar voice. Once you realise who it is, you roll over, deflated.

Jisung gasps. “You look like death! What happened to you?!”

You blink once. “Gee, thanks,” you say flatly.

The boy stares at you for a second before finally reaching a hand out. You take it and he pulls you up.

“O-Okay, but seriously, what happened?” he says. “Are you okay?”

You search his eyes for a moment before shrugging. What are you supposed to say to Jisung? That you just ruined your friendship with the love of your life?

“It’s about Hyunjin, isn’t it?” Jisung says, his voice softer. The way he’s watching you makes you tear up all over again. He seems to let you process for another moment before reaching over, rubbing your shoulder gently.

“Look,” he sighs, “I… I know you two weren’t real. I honestly thought you were, though.” He then mutters something along the lines of, “So I didn’t owe our friend group sixty dollars after all.”

“That’s your first thought right now?”

“Wait, nonono!” Jisung’s stance changes in a snap and begins frantically smoothing out your outfit, ruffling your messy hair and making it even messier. “It’s okay, it’s okay, everything will beeee okaaayyy.”

You groan and roll your eyes fondly, but you let him continue.

“Okay, but for real now…” He rubs your shoulder again. “I think you should tell him.”

A breath hitches in the back of your throat. “Tell him… what exactly?”

He sighs deeply. “You know what I mean, Y/N.”

It’s your turn to sigh, and you look down at your shoes as your eyes well up again. Jisung smiles sadly at you and pulls you into a hug.

“He misses you, you know that?” he says. You nod, shoving your face in his shoulder before he can see you cry. “And don’t worry, I won’t tell him you miss him, too. That’s your job.”

In between sobs, you nod.

“And once you two get together, I can get my damn money back,” Jisung grumbles.

You let out a wet chuckle and hold onto him for another minute. You’re terrified of what may happen, but no amount of fear in your body is worth the heartbreak you feel right now.

twelve.

– december 24th.

Hyunjin feels… something. 

Every year on Christmas Eve, the boy would scramble to get to bed early, so he could be asleep by the time Santa comes. Obviously, though, he’s since outgrown that tradition, but now he stays up till midnight like every other teenager and college student, counting down the seconds to Christmas Day. It’s as if Christmas is Hyunjin’s pre-New Year of sorts. He may not believe in Santa anymore, but the childlike wonder and excitement he gets during this time of year has never changed. He’s all jumpy and hyper and jittery like a kid who ate too much candy, eagerly awaiting the day that the movies and the lights and the snow have made so magical.

And this year, for the first time ever, he might not be counting down alone.

Going the past week without hearing the sound of your voice felt like walking barefoot through a pit full of Legos—doubly so because he saw you on campus during finals week talking to Jisung once. Jisung! Out of everyone in your friend circle, of course you were still talking to the one who flirts with everyone for fun. At least he didn’t wink at you this time…

But after what felt like aeons of being sent to voicemail, you finally called him back six days, sixteen hours, and forty-seven minutes ago. You said something about meeting up for lunch the day after or something; he barely remembers anything from that call other than that you called. That lunch at the university cafe wasn’t much different. He was so relieved that you were in front of him talking to him again that he wasn’t paying much attention to what you were actually saying.

…Okay, maybe that’s a lie. You rearranged the Christmas decorations he had thrown all over your dorm on your first date, you got all your Christmas shopping done, and you have a super-duper special date planned for Christmas Eve. Dress warm. You’ll pick him up at 8 for dinner. And you’ll both be getting home late.

Hyunjin can see his breath just past his nose as he checks out his reflection in the glass window panes of the university library. He picked out his best winter coat for tonight—the one that goes with almost any outfit he could put together, but also doesn’t take the limelight off of yours. He also broke out the pristine white sneakers—you know, the ones he cleans frantically after every use. Were they going to get dirty in the snow? Maybe a little. But it’s you, and they go so well with his sweater and jeans. You deserve his best fit.

He knows nothing about what your plan is for tonight. All he knows is that you’ll be here in five minutes, his stomach is doing flips inside him, and he’s got shivers going up his spine.

Hyunjin feels something—he just can’t name what that something is. All the adjectives he can think of don’t feel quite right. The closest he can get is ‘tingly’, and even then, he can’t explain why he landed on that particular word. But when you pull up at the library and roll down your window, all the words he’s ever learned fly out the door.

No combination of letters could capture how beautiful you are to him.

…

Hyunjin is surprised to find himself back in the heart of downtown. This time, it’s after a lovely meal and hours-long conversation with you, and you’re the one guiding him around now.

He swivels his head around as he lets you lead, taking in all the glittery Christmas lights the same way you are. Quickly, he recognizes you’re taking the same path he once did to the cafe where you two watched the light switch. He feels like he’s on the Polar Express to the North Pole—yes, of course he was watching the movie before your date tonight. It’s a Christmas must.

Wait… fake date. He nearly forgot these dates aren’t real.

He’s not sure why he let himself get away with calling all these real dates. Clearly, it made you uncomfortable to the point where you felt the need to fake-break up with him. He’s also not sure if he should consider himself lucky that the breakup wasn’t real.

Does this mean the fake Christmas romance thing is back on? You two never actually discussed it, but you did also ask him on a… fake date.

Despite this, there’s still something in the air that’s giving him that tingly feeling. He’s still not sure if that’s the right word. He just knows that standing right next to you on the balcony of an abandoned cafe to witness the arrival of Christmas Day… it feels so, so right. Almost like everything is falling into place.

“Hyunnie… can we talk?”

—

Hyunjin turns to you, his gaze soft, and you freeze in place. Did you really just say that? Now?  What if you ruin Christmas Eve and Christmas because you didn’t wait?

You sigh to yourself, a small puff of air escaping your mouth. You know that this was something you needed to do, both for yourself and your peace of mind. Maybe Jisung, too, and whatever lost money he was moping about that one time. But there’s still ten minutes to midnight. Is that too soon?

No. It’s not. If anything, it’s long overdue. No more running. Plus, if he’s truly your best friend and he doesn’t like you back, nothing should change… right? At least, not for the long term.

“Is everything okay?”

Hyunjin’s honey voice pulls you out of your thoughts. Hyunnie, sweet like honey… wait, Y/N, don’t get distracted. It’s almost midnight.

Take a deep breath.

“Hyunnie, um…” You fiddle with a small object in your pocket as you try to think.

When you look up, he’s nodding. “Yeah?”

Deep breath.

“I’m sorry… I'm sorry for ghosting you and stopping this so suddenly.” You’re blinking and Hyunjin watches as you open your mouth to speak before closing it again. Like the words are at the tip of your tongue, but the courage just hasn’t bubbled up enough. “I…” You take a breath, looking up at anywhere but him as you mumble to yourself, “God, this is so much harder than I thought it’d be.”

You take a little shuffle forward.

“I… I think I realised too late, and by the time I realised, I freaked out and just… I shut down.” You look at him, your eyes boring into each other like you’re both trying to find the centre of each other’s soul. It's too much for you to stomach while you struggle to pull words out of your throat, so you let your gaze fall.

“Realised what?” Hyunjin whispers. You somehow hear it over the crowd of people forming below you.

You shuffle forward unconsciously again, keeping your eyes down. 

“Do— do you hate me?” Hyunjin says.

Eyes wide, you snap your head up and shake your head quickly. “N-No! Of course not.” “Then what—”

Your gaze shoots down and your hand goes for Hyunjin’s. A small gasp leaves his mouth before your brain catches up with the rest of you.

When you finally have the courage to look back up, it’s like everything has blurred into the background. Everything except the boy in front of you, who looks about as shocked as you are at yourself. Is this it? Is this going to be your Hallmark moment?

Deep breath.

“I love you.”

Hyunjin’s eyes grow wider, his mouth opening and closing like a fish a couple times. He probably thinks someone took over your body, that this isn’t really you.

“You… love me?”

You nod and smile. It’s hard to tell if he’s still in disbelief, but honestly, you can barely believe you’re saying these words. But you mean every single one of them.

“I do… and there’s no one else I’d rather have a Christmas romance with.”

There’s a feverish look grazing Hyunjin’s face, his mouth opened just slightly as he gasps quietly. You swear you can see little stars adorning his pretty brown eyes.

“Well,” you clarify quickly, “a college Christmas romance. But I don’t think I want this to end after we graduate.”

Hyunjin’s eyes are crinkling at the edges, his nose scrunching just slightly with the force of his joy. You’re sure of two things in that moment. One, your own expression must look just as lovesick as his. And two, you’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as Hyunjin under the glow of the lights surrounding the plaza. 

“Y/N, I… can I kiss you?”

From somewhere in the streets below, you recognize the gathered crowd beginning the countdown to midnight. You barely pay it half a mind as you pull the object from your pocket. Hyunjin’s eyes follow you as you hold it up over your heads. It’s a small sprig of mistletoe, and you can’t help the proud smile that sweeps across your face.

“You know, you wanted to hit all the Christmas traditions and you forgot one of the best ones.” 

“God, I love you.”

You practically jump into his arms when he presses his lips against yours. Fireworks explode in your chest as the clock rings twelve and cheers erupt from the streets below. It’s all a buzz in your head, though, as you cup Hyunjin’s cheeks in your hands and melt into his arms and lips and just him. 

You hope he never tries to chase perfection again, because you’re sure that this moment, right now, is the definition of it. Nothing has ever felt so perfect, so right, and nothing else will ever come close.

As if on cue, when you two slowly break the kiss, you feel something wet land on your head. You and your not fake boyfriend?—you’ll have to talk to him about that later—look up to see fluffy, white snowdrops falling all around you two.

“Merry Christmas, Hyunnie,” you say, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Hyunjin has the biggest smile on his face as you pull away. “Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

You let out a joyful giggle. It looks like Hyunjin got the cheesy Christmas romance he’s been searching his whole life for. It might not have gone the exact way he’d dreamed of, but you hope he is as happy as he has always made you.

And maybe, just maybe, you also got the ending you’d been dreaming of all along.

[not-goldy]

Someone said he probably didn't show support to Jimin's albums cause he dropped both albums in the middle of His girlfriend's best friend's dropping content. He supported Vibe and Set Me Free but skipped Face and this was when Jisoo released her solo stuff at the same time and Jimin was battling her on the charts. Now with Muse Jimin was up against Lisa, his private plane buddy. Hell he even posted Lisa on his IG more then Jimin. I don't think this was some conflict of interest for him promoting Jimin's over his girlfriend's besties music, but it is kinda funny timing. At the same time, sad cause when Jimin needs him, he's no where to be found. He even supported Jennie right in TKK faces. When she dropped You and ME, he posted that picture of two people dancing & also a song snippet of a red moon & some song talking about me and you together, which was her lyrics and she used a red moon for her theme. I can see supporting his GF, that isn't the issue. Just sad Jimin called it. He said Tae wouldn't do running man with him. Wouldn't do another song like Tae said and wouldn't come to his meet & greet after all those promises and Jimin was correct. He released Fri(end)s, but you can't act like a Vmin truther, 95s is love, one day and then act like his enemy the next and expect people to still buy the he's my best friend/soulmate narrative.

So should we forgive him??🤔

Should I take him back 🤔

For me,it's the fact he could post slides on his page but went crickets for Jimin. I would have felt a whole lot different if he hadn't been active around that time at all.

I didn't enjoy it when Jk did this to Jm on his birthday I certainly don't enjoy Tae doing this. Especially when Jimin did everything to support him during his and even went to visit his meet and greet with his fans knowing damn well Tae stans hate his guts.

Hope he loses his keys and locks himself out of his car

[potatomountain]

TLaM Chapter 5

mutant reader x human ateez

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: there will be potential triggers for anxiety and mental illnesses all throughout this story. Not all characters are nice at first.

AN: Here we get another one introduced :D woot! Also not all chapters are going to be long, a reminder a lot of the times i don't edit my works and that this is a slow burn, its going to take awhile for mc to meet and trust each of the eight but she’ll get there! 

This is a work of fiction, in particular Fan fiction, and in no way is this a representation or an accurate depiction of ATEEZ or any other idols/people used for this work.

Any feedback is always appreciated and adored! Comment on the masterlist to be added to the taglist &lt;3

Masterlist

previous | next

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While I knew I would go back to the tavern, doing so was a much harder task than I thought. My next weekly exam was upon me before I even got the courage to tell anyone I had gone to the tavern; but really who could I tell?

Considering how eager I was to rush out of the apartment to head to my Father's lab… I really needed an outlet. The friendly vibe of the tavern with the immediate acceptance by both of the humans and the small Typhon child was astonishing to me already. I couldn't help but to think what their motive was. Why were they friendly to me? What had I done to deserve it?

At least San's slightly less cold shoulder made sense, I had made an effort for that and now he didn't seem so hell bent on avoiding me. Sure he wouldn't say anything, but since my plea he had ventured into the living room when I was in there or didn't scurry off when I stepped in. On the one occasion I had asked him what he had been watching, purely curious, he had actually answered me. As well as awkwardly invite me to watch it with him. I knew neither of us were comfortable enough with each other just yet, so I had declined, but the thought had warmed my chest even if he hadn't wanted my presence there. 

Good things were earned, not given, especially to a Typhon. That was a decree I had drilled into my mind since I was young. Even still, there was a bitterness beneath my reasons, a question I found myself asking too often: why did my differences make me unworthy? 

There was a bit of comfort knowing I was not the only one like this, but like a double sided coin there was rage as to why we needed to prove ourselves so much.

I always found myself thinking these things on the train, the clear separation tugging at something deep within me I was scared to acknowledge… there would be no turning back if I did. That didn't make it go away however, the recent rise in my anxiety pushing those emotions closer and closer to the surface. 

Scared, I hoped Doctor Park would be the one examining me once more. My father expected results, and he wouldn't be too pleased with the lack of them. If I expressed the darkness blooming in my chest he would be even more upset. It was Doctor Park I could often confide in, and he would always rephrase it to my father in a way I could avoid repercussions.

Yet it was neither Doctor Park or my father who greeted me at the entrance to the lab. A short, stubby man but with a gentle smile greeted me instead: Doctor Choi Taemoo.

I bowed, and headed inside with him. Doctor Choi had been with my father for about 10 years or so, having gone into Typhon research because of my father, a man he respected. Because of that, he would often expect results like my father, lacking compassion. "Doctor Choi, are you holding the examination today?"

"Yes I am, your father is on a business trip with Jisoo." He smiled in my direction, tone neither friendly or harsh, just entirely business. "I heard he finally told you about his intentions?"

I nodded, a bit taken aback as I was ushered into the usual room. "Yes… are you related to Miss Jisoo by chance?" They did have the same surname; but I could be wrong.

"We had been related through marriage. Her first husband was my cousin." He turned his back to me while overlooking charts, giving me the most privacy they usually do as I stripped into the hospital gown I always wore. "Once he passed, we stayed close with JiSoo and San; I hear he is living with you now?"

"Yes."

"That must be unpleasant, San has a phobia of Typhon's."

"A phobia? Is there a reason?" Gown on, I turned to face the Doctor just as he turned.

He shrugged, motioning for me to climb onto the table. "Yes but I believe you should learn about that from him, as per your father's request I am not to tell you anything."

Perhaps it was my already high strung nerves but I hissed in annoyance. "Of course Doctor Kim requested that."

He lifted a brow and jotted down a few things on his clipboard. "You are unusually on edge… does it have to do with your living situation? Or about your adventure four days ago."

My stomach dropped as he eyed me critically, brow pulled into a frown. Ah, of course Seonghwa had told his father about my visit… was I perhaps involved in another social experiment for my father without realizing it? Was that what the tavern experience was? Another attempt to bridge the gap between myself and humans?

"Don't get it confused, your father was not happy about the idea but… he is leaving your social progress to Doctor Park and I for now so he didn't veto it either. That said, Doctor Park insists not to meddle with your time at that shelter, just that we get updates of when you visit, and if anything… worth mentioning happens. We are aware your nervous system is twice that of a mere human's, resulting in your spine mutation, so we need to know how you react to new environments and new things outside of the lab."

He seemed oblivious to my inner struggle, checking a few things off as he began his examination and checked some things off on his board. "Doctor Park said you had left the tavern in a hurry, and we refrained from reaching out to you so as not to overwhelm you further but it seems we should have." He paused when he peeled my gown back to look at my back, his tone lowered as he continued. "You're having a hard time keeping a full mask, Ty, I need to know what sort of things you are feeling to fry your nerves like this."

I hissed just thinking about home and San, feeling my spine move on agitation at the thoughts. "Overwhelmed. A lot of new things. My safe space isn't safe any more, Doctor Choi, I feel as if I have to be careful even in my sleep so as not to scare him. But then…" I thought of the tavern, my shoulders relaxing- I couldn't dislike the tavern. "The tavern was just new. They were friendly, and it was really good tea and tailored to a Typhon's tastes and needs. The subway is still separated, so I didn't expect a business to be so accommodating to Typhon's over humans."

He nodded, his fingers following the movement of my spine. "Did you like the tavern?"

I nodded without hesitation, pulling at the hem of the gown anxiously. "It was cozy… but I can't consider it a safe space just yet."

For a moment we were both quiet, only the sound of pen on paper filled the silence as he jotted down notes. "So are you struggling with socializing then? Feeling uncomfortable in another humans presence?"

I nodded. "Learning to trust another person is nerve-wracking, Doctor Choi, I don't know what to talk about or how to make them comfortable with me or be comfortable around them. How do you connect with someone else like that?" 

Choi was silent, mulling over my words for some time. "I have an idea; how do you feel about texting or chatting with someone over the internet and working your way up to meeting them? Of course, being upfront about what you are to start, I think it will allow you to build some trust with another person, or well learn what that means to you at a comfortable pace. For example, you can try this method with San. Or a group chat with a few people?"

I frowned, then shrugged. "I've thought of it but I don't know where to start. I don't know anything about social media, or how to socialize online… where would I even look for someone to chat with? Dating apps?" A shiver ran down my back at the thought.

He chuckled, placing a hand on my knee in a comforting manner. "Then we should have you learn right? My son is a little younger than you, and he's San's cousin so… I'm going to give you his number and you can message him when you leave. I'll inform him of this exercise, probably pay him, but he will be nothing but genuine with you. I promise Ty."

Huffing, as much as it bugged me to have someone paid to talk to me, I knew I didn't have another option. "I suppose it is worth a shot."

"Splendid!" He set the clipboard aside and stepped back. "Shift and go work off your nerves in the observation room, then we'll feed you and check your weight and vitals once more." He headed for the room in question, leaving me to shift- I was already halfway there, our talk fresh on my mind.

Why was socializing hard? Was it like this for humans too? 

Or was I just wrong? 

. . .

Despite his instructions, I only stared at the new contact in my phone, having rewritten messages over and over but not a single one I sent.

Now it felt far too late and I could only stare at what I had written while in my bundle of blankets on my makeshift nest of a bed. Was it too much? A whole paragraph introducing myself and saying hello.

"Maybe I can save some face-" Quickly I added a second text, apologizing for my awkwardness. I hit send, anxiety twisting in my chest even more as I stared at the chat as if that would summon a reply.

After a minute of staring at the screen I tossed the phone aside with a hefty sigh. "This won't do…" I pulled myself out of the blankets and began shuffling around the room for some clean clothes and a towel-

Only to dive for my phone the moment I heard the text notification.

> I see I have my work cut out for me. You really didn't need to apologize. How many times did you type out your message? <

I paled, staring at the words and rereading them as if I'd find something I'm missing. "This is Jongho?" He was rather blunt but I don't think I dislike it.

Unsure of what to reply, I began to type out message after message once more, just to be interrupted by another text of his.

> you're doing it again. Just send the first one you type, it's the truest to your thoughts. <

I frowned, slowly sitting up and staring at the message. My thoughts? It feels no different than talking to his father.

> I'm sorry… I lost track of how many messages I typed out. I'll try and work on it. <

> good. I'm Jongho, I'll do my best to help you where I can. <

> pleasure to meet you Jongho- how do you plan to help me though? <

Like instructed I sent the first one I typed out, but stared at the chat still anxious it wasn't good enough or I said something wrong. Every message felt like that. Was I doing this right? Asking the right questions? Giving the right answers? 

> honestly I'm not sure. Dad just said you need a friend to help you with socializing. Typhon's don't have any friends? <

> No, at least not that I know of. We don't get to go to public school until we can mask and even then we are avoided or still raised as homeschooled. I really only have my father as he was my teacher, now my doctor and my boss- I think he would be my boss? <

> you think? <

> He pays me for the continuous participation in his research as his longest standing subject. If he asks me to do an experiment, I do it, and get proper compensation. <

This was territory I could handle as it was just describing my life, as boring as it is, but Jongho was replying quickly and asking questions in a way that just seemed curious. I couldn't see any malice or ill content in his replies, but if there was I was oblivious to it. Perhaps that was a good thing?

> I think I'm going to regret asking this but… Do you have any conversations with him or others outside of this work? <

Regret? My stomach twisted uncomfortably, back straightening as my nerves tingle. Was he regretting talking to me? > I'm sorry if you are regretting this, Jongho, but to answer your question no, I really haven't. People have spoken to me before, but they are usually not kind words. I can give you the details of the few times I have had proper conversation outside of the lab that wasn't unpleasant? They were mostly recent so I can recall them quite well. <

> no no, that's alright we don't have to talk in detail about that just yet. By the way, you are doing alright so far. Answering what I asked to the best of your abilities yeah? But you don't need to be so honest and open right off the bat. < A second text was sent right after. > I don't regret talking to you if that is what you mean, but I do feel a bit bad for taking money for this. I can't imagine how alone you felt. <

How alone I felt? Did I feel alone? I set my phone aside and stared at the wall across from me, covered in all sorts of pictures and posters and stickers of just random animals and things I had found cute. I couldn't recall having a picture with anyone before, or anyone but my father seeing my room or even stepping into the apartment; at least until San moved in. But that wasn't his choice.

Had I really been okay with the solitude and the isolation? The barriers put up between me and others that felt impossible to climb over right now? 

With blurry vision I picked the phone and stared at the fuzzy screen as I blinked back tears. > It is lonely, please teach me how to change it. I don't want to be alone anymore. <

My pure emotions just text block on a screen, but they stung enough that I found my clothes too much and began to strip, wanting to shower. Only as an afterthought did I think to inform him. > I am sorry but I need a moment to calm down. Can I text you tomorrow? <

> yeah… goodnight, I'll talk to you tomorrow < 

Was it silly to think this may be the first time someone had said good night to me? With the sudden ache in my chest, I wondered if it was true, which only fueled the tears more as I headed for the bathroom.

Loneliness felt horrible.

=========

Tag list:   @justhere4kpop  |  @hwaightme-recs  |  @candypop1611 | @legohwas |   @spooo00oky | @sanniessnails |  @babyhailey819   | @simplyalfie | @diamondjen03  | ask to be added <3

[100problemsbutmingyuaint1]

Seventeen as Kitchenware

Hello, welcome to my chaotic brain once again. Imma just... dive into it.

Seungcheol - Chef's Knife

One of the kitchen staples. Integral part of the kitchen. Can be used in cooking... or protecting oneself.

Jeonghan - Vegetable Spiralizer

Gaslights veggies into thinking they're noodles. That's it. That's the plot.

Jisoo - Cookie Cutters

This is a very biased opinion. Like Jisoo feels like that cool older brother that isnt too strict (see Hybe Games). Like cookie cutters are fun shapes and have different sizes. 10/10 would let your toddler use them. In conclusion, Jisoo is a cute enabler and idk he gives off cute spring cookies cookie cutter vibes. Leave me beeee

Junhui - Oven Mittens

Most of the time, it's overlooked - especially when you dont bake a lot. But a life saver when you need them the most. Idk. Like. Jun's magnetism doesnt translate that well on camera. But when I went to their concert... my whole bias list was rearranged 😭

Soonyoung - Citrus Squeezer/Juicer

You know a citrus juicer/squeezer when you see one. It has a very distinct look and design. Very similar to Soonyoung's Horanghae autotune and hand gesture. Both have a clear brand message.

Wonwoo - Pressure Cooker/Instapot

Versatile. You can do a lot of dishes with it. Handle with care and be careful of the pressure. If not. BOOM! Explosion✨️✨️✨️ Inspired by Wonu's cute and angry outbursts.

Jihoon - The Whole Motherfucking Range/Oven

I dont have to expound on this. Jihoon is a versatile king. He dives into different genres. Mans can sing, dance, make bomb ass songs. He's cute one second hot the next. Like. HE HAS RANGE. Hence, he gets the range.

Minghao - Grater

Because Hao is very clear about boundaries. Just like graters. You gotta know when to stop or else you're gonna grate your fingers. 💀

Mingyu - Thicqué Cast Iron Pan

Sturdy, timeless, all purpose. Can take a lot of beating. Like pls. You can fry in it. You can bake with it. But most importantly, you can smack bitches with it.

Seokmin - Old fashioned whistling kettle

Because Seokmin's lung capacity is superior. Like an old kettle. It'll continue to sing until you take it out from the fire.

Seungkwan - Coffee Press

This is solely because of Seungkwan's love for coffee.

Hansol - Meat Thermometer

He's just in his own world. Like. If anyone else has mastered the art of inner peace, I feel like it'll be Hansol along with Minghao. You can put a thermometer in the oven in hundreds of degrees and it'll still be fine.

Chan - Soup Pot/Stock Pot

When you make stock/soup, you extract flavor from ingredients. I think Chan is the same with his older members. Like he is geniuinely still Chan, but you can see some of the older members' unique quirks in him.

[lgcjisoo]

𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝗬𝗘𝗟𝗟𝗢𝗪 𝗚𝗥𝗘𝗘𝗡 ( #9ACD32 ) ⤫ ARENA HOMME (moodboard)

collaborating, and with seunghyun of all people, with a colour that truly didn't resonate with either of them has been.... interesting. it didn't really speak to him naturally, and trying to find things that hadn't crept their way into his apartment unintentionally had been difficult. some of his family's hand-me-downs had been returned back home, and what was left was very few clothing pieces and mostly props. in the end, seunghyun and he had come to an idea of the sort of some dream/haze essence of green rather than blatantly being wholly green in your face, hopefully still being able to be chic whilst coming up with what arena homme would deem acceptable. a bit cool, and eclectic. less neutral than the typical arena homme shoot.

what makes jisoo paralyze less is when it crosses his mind that no, he does not have to dress head to toe in neon, fluorescent chartreuses and there can be touches of green in an otherwise neutral outfit. so that is what he ultimately ends up with, a green vest. a green jacket. a pop of green with bright socks and short cut pants. with relaxed poses, and ones where he seemed a bit detached and unemotive. he thanks his time with spring boys and learning how to dance for helping him with easing into more flexible poses. ( honestly, he's come far from how stiff he could have been like when he first started. )

a bit whimsical, but not whimsical enough; there's a sort of unapproachable energy despite how friendly and warm the green is but... honestly. that's the vibe jisoo's sort of gathered from arena homme anyway.

[dia1tone]

hello, all ! super excited to be here. below the cut is more about jiyeon, and, as always, please like the post to plot !

son jiyeon: 24, architecture major, currently grieving

family

nothing too crazy. just a father, a mother, their son, and their daughter. father owns mugunghwa’s one and only newspaper firm, though it is dying a slow death given the rise of the technological age. numbers are still high enough that it affords them a comfortable lifestyle, but nothing like what it once used to be.

father is a taciturn, aging man. his own brother ended up being the more talented of two. father got to inherit the family business and uncle got to live the lavish lifestyle of world renowned artist. they speak occasionally.

mother is a neurotic hypochondriac. once a talented painter--mom had just gotten accepted into mugunghwa’s prestigious art program when she met dad in the town’s one and only art gallery. she stayed for the potential dad never once lived up to.

jisoo is (was?) the golden child. the star. the prodigy. forever the center of attention, it wouldn’t actually bother her if it didn’t follow them home, too. jiyeon loves him, but she will forever be resentful of the fact that her own wants and wishes had to take a backseat to jisoo’s.

nothing quite noteworthy in the years prior to her enrollment to mugunghwa. 

personality

dutiful daughter. the upper classman you feel like you can run to for any and all of your problems. a shoulder to cry on. the perfect student. your mother’s friend’s daughter she keeps comparing you to.

/

rage simmering just under your skin, a soundless scream into your pillow, watching everyone live their lives while you rot away, biting your tongue, the taste of a nosebleed, pretending to be someone you outgrew

the vibe is that she’s sick of having to be the dutiful daughter. she hates having people depend on her in any capacity but also feels guilty about not helping. hates the responsibilities she has but will continue to take care of them.

plots

of course, town locals. friends, almost family, actual family, frenemies (because she would never outright dislike someone).

a current academic rival, so to speak. she may not want it but god forbid she not be top of her class, it’s one of the last things she can use to measure her self-worth.

something of an ex. you two never really got together and never really broke up.

younger students that idolize her in some shape, way, or form. 

people that befriended her as a way to get to jisoo (ha!)

pls add me @ ella ˎˊ˗ ♡ °#4547 on discord !!

[justalildumpling]

list your top 10 biases and answer the following questions

~ ty @sungbeam & @polarisjisung for the tag

top 10 biases:

na jaemin (nct)

lee donghyuck (nct)

kim sunwoo (tbz)

kim jisoo (bp)

lee jaehyun (tbz)

zhong chenle (nct)

yu jimin (aespa)

mark lee (nct)

johnny suh (nct)

hwang yeji (itzy)

(lmao the way half of them are from nct😩)

questions!

between 1 and 4 who would your rather kiss? jaemin

between 2 and 7 who would be your best friend? haechan! i feel like we’re similar in terms of personality and humour wise and he’s reminds me of my best friend irl☺️

between 5 and 10 who has a better voice? ARUGEHE im so sorry yeji😭 i have to choose hyunjae because UM MISS MA’AM HAVE U HEARD HIS VOICE??? his all about you cover😩😩🫶

between 1 and 8 who is the funniest? they’re both funny in completely different ways but i feel like i resonate with jaemin’s humour more (i think i just have a thing for just weirdass things🤔

between 6 and 9 who would you date? johnny suh. im sorry lele ily and ur daegal but it’s johnny🤷‍♀️ how could i not?

between 9 and 10 who would you do a collaboration with? OMG HWANG YEJI AND HER DANCING SKILLS PLEASEEEEEE if i were to have a collab with any idol i would still choose yeji, she’s just amazing and so so passionate on stage

between 4 and 8 who is the better dancer? mark, our sopa dance king! his simon says cover says it all

between 3 and 5 who would you most likely marry? THIS IS ILLEGAL- ok hear me out, kim sunwoo seems like bf material but hyunjae seems like husband material at least to me rn

between 1 and 7 who would you nurse when they are sick? are u kidding me? ur making me choose between- i- im sorry im have to choose jaemin🤧🤧 i feel like he cares about others all the time and needs someone to take care of him for a change

between 2 and 3 who has a better smile? both. nope idc if this isn’t allowed but ur making choose between the two suns of the group like that’s not possible😐

between 6 and 8 who would you vacation with? ok, even tho it’s more likely that chenle would leave me in the middle of nowhere at least he won’t be lost with me😭 also just chenle in 7llin in our youth was just wholesome, i want those vibes too

tagging w/ no pressure: @pastelsicheng @sehunniepot @daegall + anyone else who wants to do it!!

[topconfessions]

I’m not even a bp fan but i’m on kpop twt and it just always bugs me seeing tweets/ppl in general painting this image that J is a social climber and being all misogynistic just bc she dates men that are literally on the same level as her. I completely agree with everything you just said except for the fact that GD was a win for her, yes maybe he introduced her to important figures fashion wise (chanel to be specific) but that was literally it. She was held back during their whole dating time frame, the only time she was publicly seen was with blackpink and even then, L was the one who was pushed the most. Bey started dating Jay Z when she was literally nothing so you cannot compare her situation to the bp girls, yes L doesnt have that big of an impact in fashion either but she still could pull another respective brand on her own without that man (that doesn’t mean shes not using him to get even higher lmao) the same way jisoo pulled cartier (bc of BP’s name). J was just as big & maybe even bigger than GD when they started dating and with his group image being ruined & him being 8 years older than her it affected her career negatively and there’s no way she needed him at that point, i truly believed she only dated him just to live the fantasy of dating your idol.

Bey was already from a popular girl group. She was not nothing. If this was Ashanti I'd agree with you as she was highly pushed by the labels to be aaliyahs replacement but held in there thanks to her own sound.

You must be new cause I've clearly handed bigbangs ass to them and if anything I am now a former fan of theirs and GD was never my bias or idol, in or out of the group. So unless you're speaking in a broad spectrum on the last sentence of "dating your idol" i.e upsetting fangitls everywhere, you're inaccurate and sorely mistaken if this affects me or I personally care about Jiyong like that. He's a fucking twig compared to me in real life, that's someone I could never date even if I was interested and had access to him cause we're so physically and emotionally different.

That is opinion based. You're allowed to feel that way and "truly believe" that but that's asinine and goofy, you know it is. You think this successful girl now woman only dated GD to upset a nation of kids and others for an ego boost? In the real world they vibes, had some things in common and grew close naturally like all couples do, Maybe attraction too. The only person in Korea we know of that literally fucked or dated someone to piss fans off living the "fantasy" is seo hee who messed with top, she said it out of her own mouth.

So we can say what we think but let's not put what we think as facts.

This isn't a comparison it's an analogy and reference point, I stand on what I said and I can compare the two if I want to. If anything bey needed Jay more than Jennie ever needed GD. Also speaking on Jennies "level" is literally subjective cause she scored and was always secured in ways her other female peers older and the same age as her wasn't in other agencies cause she was / under YG. I'd say HyunA in my opinion is objectively more on GDs "level" than Jennie could ever be. Having access and sharing the same space as well as work place as someone with means doesn't make that person on your level. Never forget that truly where truly created, Blackpink, to give why a pretty feminine easily marketable and more youthful girlgroup that he lacked the entire time that could go up against the likes other SM and others. He wanted something completely different from 2NE1 and so anyone in her position would been where she is now had she not made the cut for the line up.

Where would Beyonce ever be today if she didn't have Jay showing her the ropes and turning onto the game of the industry? There is a lot of dirt and stories the average doesn't know or concern themselves about bey and them.

Anyways, the point still remains. There is nothing wrong hypergamy, social climbing ir just dating men at the same ranks as you or in the same circles. That's life. It's to he expected but it's becoming highly apparent that any responses about this is primarily based on favoritism or being interested in Jennie as a fan and liking her. I need to hear this same sentiment you're responding with as if you don't know who Jennie is and only gave passively watched her career - I need something objective.

this is also why kpop is considered a shit hole these days outside of us, the fans who love it and understand it, cause you can't say anything objective or negative about groups like bts or BP without arguments or heavy debates. We had fun here talking about Jennies path in dating and now its turned into a "she's not a gold digger social climber" resistance. It makes me no difference how she lives because I am not Jennie and don't aspire to have a career in entertainment.

As for GD? he is a win just like Jennie was a win for him in many aspects. How you take that is on you. Also this is Tumblr. Kpop twitter is its own separate entity. We're here. Not there. I don't care about what's going on there unless legit dirt is leaked there. So let's not bring kpop twt into this to transfer it into this convo as if me or anyone else here frequents that shit hole in the first place.

At the end of the day it's not serious for any of us and if you're defending Jennie for how many perceive her, you need to take a hard look at why this is in the first place. 7 Years from now she won't matter as much and she's be looked at the way 2ne1 and hopefully wnwd is looked at currently.

Kpop is microwavable and I can name 15 groups that were IT back in the day nobody talks about or cares about anymore cause they aged out and their fans are old & mature now. You won't gain anything from this just like I won't.

[jentlemahae]

brands saw what bp have done as ambassadors and want to cash in on that with rookies but it’s too early for that. by the time the pinks signed fashion deals they had comfortably solidified their place at the forefront of kpop. they were used as style inspo and everything they wore sold out immediately. bp became global ambassadors 3-4 years into their career, and before they even signed they worked with others to see which brand fit best: lisa-prada, jisoo-burberry, rose-valentino (ysl and valentino literally fought over rose, she’s so iconic for that)

not only that, the pinks were “promoted” after working with their brand for a while and after proving they had significant impact for the brand. eg jennie was korean ambassador for chanel in 2017 and was “promoted” to global in 2019

you and anons are right, the problem with rookies is they haven’t been around long enough to have established themselves like that yet. there’s not really a standout 4th gen gg bc there’s no loyalty. fans switch once a new group debuts. this is a problem for ambassadorships bc there’s the question of longevity. yeah that idol is big now but will they still be in 3 years?

an example of this is a*spa. within months of debut they signed with givenchy, with a global title rather than korean first. at the time they were set to be the 4th gen gg, but i’m not sure if that’s the case anymore. they’re still successful but idk if they have the impact givenchy expected. was the “global” title jumping the gun before they’d earned it? (this is not shade at them btw, i love them dearly)

idt having a whole group as ambassadors for one brand works either. imo i think that’s why *** and LV fell through. they all have different styles so putting them all in the same brand was a weird choice. partnerships are better with individuals bc it has to reflect their personal style or image. this is why bp works (as pointed out by prev anon). this is also why kai and gucci works. it fits his style and he’s proven his longevity in k-pop. then he did well with them, so they promoted him, gave him a collab and he’s in global campaigns. w*nyoung and miu miu works too, it fits her vibe, i hope they do great things together

although bp weren’t the first to officially work with luxury brands, they’re the first to have each member be a global ambassadorship for a different brand. it seems n*wjns are next. but like you said, they’re too young to have any individuality yet. and as a group they have a very specific aesthetic and styling which i’m not sure fits the brands? it just seems brands are trying to snatch them up before anyone else does and that doesn’t bode well for a long term partnership

this is all very well put and i agree with everything !! bp’s massive hold onto the fashion world managed to exist in the first place cs their break into such industry was slow and gradual. nowadays groups jump the gun on so many things and “achievements”, and i think that’s actually detrimental to those groups bcs even though it’s nice now, i think it hinders their longevity and shelf-life. so many groups crash and burn imo bcs companies don’t give them the chances to find their own identity as a group first. honestly this is one of the only things i think yg did well with bp - their whole rise felt very genuine imo, they were allowed to be rookies first and a big name later. i think trying to position a group already as superstars when they’re still rookies is not a good idea (i remember i said this exact thing when a/spa went to coachella last year bcs besides the fact that i dont think they are coachella artists in the first place, it was too soon to have such big promo in the us)

[levantcrs]

ideal types for your muses?

I am so sorry anon but I have over 30+ muses 🫠 I’ll randomly pick five

Jieun/June ideal type is someone who can match her vibe and energy. She likes someone who can take care of her but also give her independence. She does like taller guys, she loves a good height difference.

Hyunjin (v1) likes older men, tall men, he wants a man who can toss him around. But also is good with puppies and can cook. He likes guys who takes care of their appearance well, who has a nice fashion style.

Jaemin looks for guys who are not only handsome but also guys who are fit. A nice smile has him weak. He doesn’t go for anyone younger than him though.

Jeongin (v2) is still confused with his sexuality and finding himself but he knows he likes someone who can relate to him well, he thinks he likes shorter girls, and for guys he thinks he prefers them shorter also but doesn’t mind same height or taller, but again he’s confused and still figuring himself out.

Jisoo looks for someone who can accept not only her but her younger brother, for guys she prefers older or same age, tall and muscular built and for girls she is okay with maybe a year or two age difference. She wants someone who is free spirited, who isn’t afraid to break the rules. Someone who can take care of not only her but her brother.

[richkidznation]

❤️ for mr bolt

[ Bolt ]

"I guess she still counts, so I'll tell you a fun fact about my love life! So, I almost dated Jisoo! Y'know, that girl from Blackpink? Yeah. Actually, before Minjoon asked me out, I was planning into asking her out. But since he came first and I was into both, well, you know the story! I mean, she could've said no but we'll never know, haha.

I still feel funny when I see her, but honestly now I couldn't see myself with anyone different from my Minjoonie."

[chocolvte]

SEVENTEEN REACTION — being the fourteenth member of the group

REQUEST — Hi luv! If it's not a problem, can I request a reaction about being the 14th member of seventeen.

LISTEN TO — hot candy by hot issue

TRIVIA

stage name — yun.

birth name — y/n yoon.

birthday — 12 march 1996.

height — 5’8 or 173 cm.

her ethnicity is korean & afro caribbean but her nationality is french so she speaks lots of languages (french & korean are her first)

she trained for over five years and modeled before and during that time

she was scouted to be a model first, while she and some friends were out shopping

and then she started idol training afterwards

YOUR ROLE IN SEVENTEEN

position — main vocalist & lead dancer.

voice claim — jisoo from blackpink.

very soft and slow like honey

has a gorgeous singing voice and is constantly using it randomly in the middle of her sentences

underrated sense of humor

kind of a voice of reason in the group

she always knows what to do

close with a lot female idols (i.e. jennie from blackpink, joy from red velvet, sieun from stayc)

loves watching kdramas

actually very romantic and emotional

falls in and out of love quickly

SENSE OF STYLE

on stage, she wears a lot of dark clothing

lots of chunky boots and thigh highs

so off stage she loves wearing more soft & feminine styles with a touch of edge

lots of ruffles and lace

and mini dresses and mini skirts

but usually with a big chunky dark boot

so she brings in a touch of her stage style

THE BOYS

with the performance unit . . jun, hoshi, the8 & dino

jun and hoshi consider you their bestie, and they get very offended whenever you’re asked about your many other idol friends in interviews. like no, jennie from blackpink is not your best friend, it’s obviously kwon soonyoung. everyone knows that smh. and jun gets so possessive of your attention, it’s the cutest thing. you and minghao are really close in the sense that you always spend time together. whenever you’re about to head out and do something, one of you always asks the other if they want to come. and dino is like a little kid in your eyes, but you actually get along pretty well. he’s always asking for your advice on whatever is going on. he trusts you a lot.

with the hip hop unit . . s.coups, wonwoo, mingyu & vernon

wonwoo is also a bestie. you’re the same age and you guys are actually really similar. he likes hanging out with you and making music. whenever you spend time together, a song almost always comes out of it. vernon is chill, like an actual little brother would be. you guys practice together a lot because you both know exactly how to encourage and motivate each other while keeping good vibes. seungcheol always treats you like his baby. ever since you joined the company, he’s taken care of you. and mingyu is like a cute puppy who follows you around. you guys modeled together at one point and rumor has it that he used to have a crush on you, but now you guys are just friends, close but still v much bestie vibes only.

with the vocal unit . . joshua, jeonghan, woozi, dk & seungkwan

jeonghan and joshua are always talking about how they raised you. it’s their favorite joke, to act like they gave up everything for you, but also they love treating you like their little princess, so who’s the real winner honestly? woozi loves having you in the studio with him because you always sing things exactly the way he wants them. he loves giving you the killing parts in songs. you’re considered a part of the vocal unit, so y’all work together a lot. you, seokmin, and seungkwan have a very special bond. you’re always joking around with each other, forming lots of dumb inside jokes, and it’s through this friendship that carats get to see your silly side. you guys are considered a little unofficial subunit of your own, since you guys are together so often.

[vanderlindemorgans]

STAY HIGH (Part 2 to Mr. Perfectly Fine)

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Javier Peña x Reader

Word count: 6.9k

Summary: Javier knows he fucked up. He’s been running from his emotional baggage for years now and this situation is no different, leading to him to find an escape in the three things that clouded his life before meeting you: sex, alcohol and cigarettes. After watching you leave the embassy in tears, he resolves to make things right with you at all costs. The main problem? He has no idea how. 

Warnings: Passing mentions of sexual activities but it’s all very low level and not in detail so it doesn’t warrant an Explicit rating, Javier continuing to be an asshole, use of alcohol and cigarettes, a little bit of period-typical sexism (again, it’s only one or two lines). Not beta read. 

Authors Note: Here’s the long awaited part 2! It’s loosely based on the Tove Lo song of the same name because it always gave me vaguely Javi vibes, and I threw in a couple of references to lines from Jisoo’s version for good measure. And yes, I realise the irony in titling a Narcos fanfic “Stay High” but shhhhhhh. 

Also I still can’t speak Spanish. Enjoy!

Part 1 | Part 3 (coming soon) | Masterlist

He knew something like this could only last for so long. Every day it was getting harder and harder to ignore you and pretend that nothing had happened, especially when you stared at him with those cold and bitter eyes. The first day coming into work after the unceremonious breakup he’d expected such a reaction from you: he could see clear as day that he’d been the jackass in all of this. He was the one who made the call, who started the fight, who did everything that led him to where he was now. Did he regret it? That answer, like everything else in his life it seemed, was complicated. Mostly yes, sometimes no. Not enough to have him crawling back to you with a tail between his legs. 

Sex and alcohol. Those were the two things that he filled his life with in the weeks without you. They were the only things, besides his work and relentless hunt for Escobar, that he would give any attention to, though whereas once they took the position of allowing him some distraction from the horrors and trials of the job he endured, now they took up even more of his time, allowing him an escape from your ever lingering presence in his mind. From the moment he woke up daily he’d be reaching for the whiskey, ending up at work every day permanently buzzed. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t drunk on the job before but this was different. This...this was far more personal than anything else he’d ran from before. This was one of the few things that refused to be quieted by any amount of liquor or whores he could find, and deep down, that fact alone did nothing short of terrify him.

He lost track of how many prostitutes he’d seen since the breakup about three days in, and in all honesty he didn’t want to know the true number since it would only further contribute to his own regularly scheduled self-loathing. Some of them were informants in the case but others were girls he picked up at one of Bogotá’s many brothels. Every single one of them he imagined was you, which made him feel all the more disgusted with himself afterwards as he threw stacks of bills at them and scurried off. He almost couldn’t believe his own actual nerve in all of this - he’d always known he was somewhat of a bastard, as others have said, yet even he managed to surprise himself with this. As what anyone else would say, you’d think if he missed you that much he’d try to reach out to you, smooth things over and rebuild what was lost. It wasn’t that simple though.

Which is why after spending a couple more hours across from your desk, feeling your frosty glare rest over him he decided to skip out completely - he couldn’t take it anymore, feeling all the raw unbridled hurt coming from your direction had been driving him mad all week, along with not being able to talk to you due to his own stubborn pride and emotional turmoil. He’d grabbed his coat and mumbled some shit about having to follow up on a few leads, which wasn’t technically a lie: he did have to go meet up with a particular informant that he’d acquired contact with in the past week. He felt your eyes staring daggers into him as he left, the effect of which still somehow managing to pull at the few weary cords left in his heart, the ones that weren’t broken and frayed from years of the chase and an airports worth of baggage that he’d taken with him directly from Laredo. 

It would be easier if things went back to how they used to be. Before he met you, before there was someone that could make him want to bend a knee. When he lived up to that wild reputation of being the manwhore of the DEA, bedding every woman who crossed his path and thinking nothing of them the very next day. With every thrust he gave, he tried to lose himself in it all, hearing the woman’s moans and screams, her body writhing under his and her amber eyes looking up towards him. Her name was Graciella, or at least he thought it was. He couldn’t really give a damn what her name was, the only noteworthy thing about the woman beneath him being the fact she wasn’t you. He was desperate for a moment of reprieve, a moment that he was never going to get from fucking prostitutes and drinking his weight in whiskey.

But what else was he supposed to do?

So many times he’d looked out the door to his apartment over to yours, playing out every different scenario possible of what would happen if he dared knock on your door, and every single one of them ended with things worse than they already were. Though the temptation was high, he stayed away. What made sense to him was to try to move on, forget all about you and focus on what truly mattered at that present time. More than ever he should be dedicated to stopping Escobar and his reign of terror, and without having to worry about your safety throughout every hour of the day he thought he’d get even more work done.

As it turned out, with the chilly atmosphere at the embassy between you two, Javier had only become worse at his job. He couldn’t focus on anything, no matter how hard he tried. Whenever Steve tried to present some new leads to follow up with he would go blank, lost in the depths of his thoughts over you. He’d done his best to hide it, and it seemed to have worked for the most part - maybe a little too well, if he were to be honest. He must have come across as a grade A asshole for brushing you off like that, and he knew that eventually he’d have to face you in some way, no matter how much he fought to avoid it. No amount of divine intervention could prevent such a confrontation from turning venomous, and it could only end in more fighting and screaming, whether it be from you or him.

With all that said, he couldn’t bear to see you cry. When he’d seen tears well in your eyes after delivering his own cutting remarks regarding you, he’d known he fucked up. There wasn’t anything he could say in that moment to make things better, no way to take out the sting of something he’d only said to make you hurt. Contrary to your belief, he did care, and he never stopped once. It wasn’t entirely fair of him to be frustrated with you for doing your job, but he saw how you acted out in the field, how many unnecessary risks you insisted on taking. It hurt him to see you disregard your own safety so much, and to have you brush off his concerns every single time with an eye roll and a simple “I’m fine” only did more to eat away at his patience. He was angry with you, and underneath that anger was fear. Pure fucking fear - for you, of you, of himself in a way too, the things that wormed their way into his brain in the dead of night when the streets were quiet and you were sound asleep in bed, where he’d be leaning half out the window finishing off his third cigarette and running his hair through his fingers as he looked at the city surrounding him, with every drop of blood spilt on those streets and every secret woven into the walls of cinder block. 

He hadn’t expected for you to let him apologise or accept his remorse in any way. Watching you push past him and rush out of the evidence room in tears, ignoring every plea of your name he shouted out...that was it. That was the moment that sealed it all for him, the moment where he’d gone from regretting dumping you and blanking you for weeks to being downright ashamed of himself. Shame was a rarity with him, not an emotion he’d felt often in his long and tiresome life but he felt it now, overpowering every other sense in him and taking the front wheel. Was he wrong to treat you in such a way? 

In those next few moments somehow he made it from the evidence lockup back to his own desk, flopping down hard on the chair without a single care for anything else around him - the different sounds of the office blended together for him, forming a rush against his ears that he was easily able to disregard. All of his thoughts were solely centred around you, and an endless slew of self-loathing he beat himself with. There was no purpose in constantly reminding himself of how royally he screwed it all up, other than the masochistic need for self-inflicted torture, an action he hadn’t done since leaving Lorraine at the altar. 

Minutes passed and he stayed the same, alone in the world that was supposed to have been made with you and him. Nobody attempted to talk to him thankfully, so he was able to sit in his head for a bit, just the way he wanted. At some point the flask of whiskey thrown into the drawer of his desk had made its way out into his hands, and before he knew it half the amber liquid had made its way into his mouth, the burn nothing compared to the sting of despondency on his soul. Eventually, one voice managed to break through the barrier, snapping him back in focus long enough to see Steve standing before him, staring down with a look that was teetering between frustration and disappointment. “I just saw her leaving the building. You mind telling me what happened in there was so bad for her to be in tears over?” he asked in an accusing tone. He, like everyone else in the building it seemed, were more than aware of the less than amicable terms you and Javier had ended things on. He was privy to a few more of the finer details that Javi had told him in passing, but not enough to know the full context.

Returning a glare towards his partner, Javier sighed and reached for a random stack of papers, pretending the contents of it were the most fascinating and engaging thing in the world - anything to ignore the twist in his chest that Steve’s judgement was causing him. It wasn’t enough for him to punish himself for what he did to you: apparently everyone else needed to add their two cents to this too. And for once, he couldn’t blame a single one of them. “We had a disagreement, end of story. It’s not a big deal” he mumbled, fumbling off to the side for the discarded pack of cigarettes he kept around. 

“Not a big deal? Now I know that’s a lie, dickhead. She wouldn’t be running out of work in the middle of one of our most important assignments over nothing. So tell me: what did ya do?”. 

“Fuck off asshole, and mind your business” Javier snapped, lighting the end of the cigarette he pulled from the packet and taking a drag from it, turning away as much as he could from Steve’s scathing gaze. 

He heard the other man snicker at him, and without even looking he could tell the exact expression he was wearing at that moment. Unable to help himself, he let his lips settle into a low scowl, despite feeling that he deserved any and all snark thrown at him for his actions. “Listen, Peña, I don’t know what’s going on between you two but I’m gonna need you to sort it out real fast. We’re supposed to be working to put Escobar behind bars, not having petty little squabbles with our girlfriends”. 

He raised his brows at that remark, taking another long drag of the cigarette dangling between his fingers with an air of defensiveness - if there was anyone who was able to smoke a cigarette passive-aggressively, it was him. “Yeah? I didn’t tell you to get with the program when you were having troubles with Connie” Javier responded. 

“Watch it, asshole. You said that you two were having issues and that it wouldn’t get in the middle of the case, which after seeing how you two have been acting for the past two weeks and having to be your middle man that that was a straight up lie” Steve admonished. 

“How about I just promise you that from now on I won’t bring my personal issues into work with me?”. 

“Not good enough. Tell me what happened”. 

Realising he wasn’t going to be able to weasel himself out of this conversation, Javier drew one last breath of smoke from his cigarette and threw it down into the ashtray on his desk, leaning casually back in his chair as if he wasn’t about the divulge the down and dirty details of everything that he’d ruined with you. “You’ve probably already figured out that she and I are no longer seeing each other” he started, not knowing what to say next since there was so much to say. So much that he would one day have to say to someone but never wanted to say. Did this really all start with that fight two Friday nights ago? Or did it start long before that, way before he ever set foot in Colombia. Was it all to do with you or was it with him? Was he the problem here? While he would become frustrated with what he perceived as your inability to care for your own safety he did wonder if that was the real reason for what happened. Maybe the reason you two fought had more to do with his own troubles than anything you ever did. That prospect on its own was a tough enough pill to swallow. 

“Yeah, didn’t take a detective to solve that one. I also guessed that it ended pretty badly given how many angry glares she’s been shootin’ at you” Steve prodded, determined not to let up on his interrogation of his partner. On some level it left Javier feeling like one of the sicario’s they’d brought in, being grilled for hours on end for various crimes. Not that he was any better, taking into account what he watched Carillo do to those kids, and all the things he’d done himself in the name of getting more information. 

“Yeah, well, I broke up with her over the phone. Took about 27 seconds max. It came off the back of another fight we had a night or two before, so that’s why she’s pissed at me”. 

Incredulous couldn’t even begin to describe Steve’s reaction to his confession - the look on his face was priceless to say the least. “Shit, you didn’t, did you?” he asked, to which Javier had no choice but to confirm with a simple nod. “That’s low even for a bastard like you, Peña. And what happened in the evidence lockup?”. 

“I’m aware. As for that...I said some things that were perhaps a bit harsh and made everything worse. That good enough for you?” Javier replied through gritted teeth. 

“Well, what did you say? I’m not gonna let this go until you tell me the exact words that came out of your mouth to her. Spare no detail on it too, she looked pretty broken up about it when I saw her outside, and I wanna know why”. That fucker was determined alright, a trait that he’d often found useful of Steve was now coming to be a royal pain in his side as he sat there being grilled over his biggest and most spectacular fuckup to date. Sighing heavily, he reached for that flask of whiskey once more and let the hot liquid rush down his throat before he turned back towards his partner and gave him the most bare-bones explanation he could of the things he could take back from ever telling you. “I told her I was tired of worrying about her safety, and that if she wants to die then to be my guest”. 

An air of silence hung over the both of them, for only a minute anyhow as immediately after the brief disbelief left Steve’s psyche he began shaking his head in well-earned disapproval. “Jesus Christ, I can’t believe you sometimes. What possessed you to tell that to your own girlfriend?” he asked accusingly. 

“Ex-girlfriend, and I don’t know. I was angry, and wasn’t exactly thinking straight”. 

“Doesn’t seem like you ever think straight when it comes to her, man” he replied sarcastically, his arms crossed and his gaze turned away from Javier’s own. He could tell in that moment that Steve’s mind wasn’t totally on what was going on in that room - despite how he’d been berating Javier for becoming too embroiled in personal drama, he wasn’t entirely innocent of doing that himself, as he’d snarkily pointed out earlier. He couldn’t help envying Steve in that regard: he didn’t have to come to work seeing Connie everyday after a night of terse words. That reason alone had been a big part originally in why Javier hadn’t tried to pursue you. Workplace romances were too messy, and they always had the potential to turn rotten at just the wrong moment. There was a spark between you two, nobody could deny that from the very start, and you’d had the same thoughts as he had about keeping your distance. By all accounts, nothing more should have happened. 

Except it did. It had started with a drink, then one, or two, or ten more, followed by another twenty other events, all leading up to this tragic finale of fuckery. Had it been a mistake to date you in the first place? Possibly, but he still didn’t regret a single moment he had spent with you. The only regret present was for how it all ended - if it wasn’t going to be forever, then it should have finished on a better note. 

“You need to fix this with her”. 

Javier scoffed at the other man, giving him a withering look to top off his dubiety. “You think I don’t want to? Forget it. She’s not gonna want to talk to me ever again after today. Apologising would be a waste of time” he justified. 

“So then what? You ignore her and pretend she’s invisible like you’ve been doing for weeks up til now?” Steve arched his brow back at him. 

“Alright, you’ve made your point. Tell me, genius, what am I supposed to do? If she refuses to accept an apology and ditches work for the day then what can I do?”. 

“Well, we all work on the same case and live in the same apartment block, you figure it out. Point is that you have to try. She might not listen, and she has every right not to after the crap you’ve been pulling but it’s the best you can do for now” his colleague advised him, walking back over to his desk that was positioned across from his own and sitting down in the chair, craning his head to look into the massive pile of files Messina had left for them to look through. “I don’t think she’ll be back today anyhow. Here’s hoping she’s not too messed up from what’s been going on to come in tomorrow - the more people we have chasing after that fucker Escobar the better” he added, absentmindedly flicking through the different sheets of paper and making note of something or other while Javier stared vacantly over at the remains of his smoldering cigarette in the ashtray, his mind completely lost to you and unable to brought back. 

He wanted to do what Steve had said. He wanted to go after you badly, explain that he hadn’t meant his cruelty and that he was acting like an idiot in all of this. He wanted to try and get you to understand why he was so worried about you, and to talk through it without the need for the metaphorical flames and snipers to come out. In his opinion, you did have too much of a habit of becoming defensive over criticism, especially when that criticism had anything to do with your capabilities as an agent. Which made sense, given how you were the lone female DEA agent working in a team full of guys, and with how some of the other staff at the embassy or even the Search Bloc men would treat you because of that. For you to be in Colombia at all with them on the Escobar case was proof enough of your capabilities, and while he had reservations and doubts at first (expressed only to Steve in private) he was soon proven wrong in all respects. 

Steve did have a point though. He had to try. If his attempts were met with a slap and a middle finger, then so be it. Like a habit, he checked your empty seat again, eyes lingering as if you would reappear at any moment. Not doing anything had so far only made the entire mess worse, so there wasn’t much more damage than him attempting to patch things up would do. And given that you probably weren’t coming back for the rest of the day, he supposed he would just have to go out and find you to talk. 

Lifting himself abruptly, he grabbed at the packet of cigarettes on the desk and muttered something about needing to leave and to tell Messina that he was unwell if she questioned where he was. He could hear Steve saying something back to him, something that sounded suspiciously similar to “I didn’t mean leave now, dumbass, I meant later”, though he didn’t take a whole heap of notice. Two minutes later he was out of the building and in the driver's seat of his Jeep, keys twisting in the ignition and the engine roaring to life with him peeling straight out of the parking lot and onto the busy road. The passing traffic was nothing more than white noise to him, and the twists and turns that he made were habitual in nature, navigating back to the apartment complex. He knew he’d cop it heavily from everyone coming back later on for leaving so suddenly, and he knew whatever he had to say could realistically have waited until later in the day. A fraction of him felt that the confrontation should wait a little longer, the same part of him that was urging him to blank you for weeks upon weeks. He was done listening to that part of him. This was going to happen, and it was going to happen now, whether either of you were ready for it or not.

Slamming on the brakes and skidding to a complete stop on the side of the road, Javier threw the door open of his haphazardly parked vehicle and practically leapt right out, the coursing adrenaline in his veins equal to the high he felt during a particularly difficult bust. Those moments where he’d be standing on a concealed vantage point, gun drawn and green tact vest on ready to give the signal to move forward. His movements would become second nature to him, sewn into the fabric of his being for the longest time now. If he ever felt nervous, it would only be out of concern for potential failure, the possibility that at the end of it all something could go wrong and the bastard they were apprehending managed to slip away from their grasp. Aside from that, he’d be confident. Self-assured. Determined. Focused. 

Now though? He was nervous, frighteningly so. He shouldn’t feel such anxiety about talking to you of all people, yet the feeling of his racing heart thrumming away in his chest suggested otherwise. He couldn’t approach this like he did with a good old fashioned cocaine bust, where he’d disconnect from his emotions temporarily and take on the task of bringing down whatever narco-trafficker and associate their squad had found. Everything about this was entirely hinged on emotion, and Javier knew he couldn’t run away from that fact any longer. The alcohol, the cigarettes, the women...it all had to stop. They were all distractions, things that he turned to when it was all too much and he wanted to avoid the originator of his turmoil, which more often than not turned out to be himself, creating a paradoxical feedback loop of self-destructive behaviour. When he’d been with you the running had ceased for a while, and without you it only returned with a full force, coupled with the damning knowledge that the loss of the one good thing he ever had was all his fault. And where the desire to seek after your forgiveness was overclouded with a bad case of stubbornness and a surprising amount of fear. Fear that you wouldn’t listen, fear that he’d only make things worse…

All of that was coming to an end now.

Pressing his palm up against your door, he pounded a single fist against the hardwood, shouting out your name. “Princesa? Are you there?” he called out, swearing he could hear the very thuds of his own heart in his chest. He expected for the door to creak open slightly, showing your tear stained face before slamming on him again, but no such thing happened. His knocks and calls were met with nothing but silence. He furrowed his brows with concern, wondering why you hadn’t answered him. Were you home but just ignoring him? Or perhaps you were in your bedroom at the far end of the apartment. Maybe you hadn’t heard him. “Princesa, it’s me. Look, I...we need to talk. About today, about what’s been going on with us, all of it. I don’t want to fight, alright?” he announced. No reply came.

“Hermosa? I...I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you and I never meant to. Just…” his voice faltered, not able to bring himself to finish his sentence. Javier Peña didn’t beg. Not for you, not for anyone. 

The continued silence from the other side of the door led him to two possible conclusions. The first, and likely the most obvious, was that you weren’t answering because you weren’t home. The second is that you were home but pissed enough with him to give him the cold shoulder. He was more inclined to believe his first theory, seeing as you hadn’t taken his own cold shoulder well enough to dish out your own. Plus from what he could see under the door there was no light on and he hadn’t heard any sounds coming from your place. If you weren’t home, then where were you? Javier felt his stomach knot with worry, the anxiety from earlier bubbling back up and fueling his paranoia. Where else could you have gone? He knew you didn’t really have friends around there, mostly opting to spend your time with him or Murphy when he wasn’t too busy being moody over Connie. He shook his head at the thought, pulling his hand away from the door and into the pocket of his jeans where the packet of smokes from before was resting. Wherever you were, you had to come back eventually. You’d probably be back later that night in fact. There wasn’t any cause for alarm. Not yet anyway.

Tasting the tobacco on his tongue, he lit up his second smoke of the day, watching as the wisps climbed higher into the air around him and down the stairwell as he progressed down the flight of stairs. The inklings of creeping concern in his head he attempted to ignore and rationalise his way out of his paranoia. There was only so long you could avoid someone for, and Javier was ready to wait. 

For a little while, at least.

_________

Four days. Four days had passed and Javier had heard exactly zilch from you. Every day before he’d go to work he’d trudge himself over to your apartment door, seeing if you’d returned during the night, with no reply coming to every one of his calls. He didn’t know why he bothered after the third time of doing it. With how little he was sleeping lately he knew he would’ve been able to hear if you’d returned out of nowhere sometime after midnight. Those late nights spent with him leaning against the apartment window, chain smoking cigarettes and nursing a glass of bourbon or whiskey, depending on whichever he had on him at the time, looking out for every car that passed and hoping it would be yours. It never was, of course, and it only ever proved to be an exercise in futility and disappointment. 

He’d gotten worse since the last time you two had spoken. The lack of proper closure was getting to him, showing themselves with dark smouldering bags under his eyes and a dazed bloodshot glaze in the whites. He’d had breakups before, most of which he’d initiated himself, and he’d never gotten this worked up over a woman before. It was dangerous how much of his waking hours you occupied, thoughts of you clouding his mind during the times he should have been focusing on something else, and he couldn’t stop it either. It was like he didn’t really know who he was anymore - none of this was the slightest bit like him. How could a rotten and rough breakup with one woman cause him to spiral this badly? The only time he’d ever come close to being anywhere like this was when Carillo had shot that kid in the head in front of his very eyes. That alone had messed him up for weeks, and he still wasn’t completely over it. Come to think of it, that incident had occurred not long before that first fight with you. 

Diligently as ever, he came to work at the embassy day after day, though his mind drifted elsewhere within the first five minutes of his arrival. Other people would say things to him and the words would scarcely reach his ears, and the memories of each day mixed together like paint on a palette. His eyes would wander to the empty seat at your desk every day, his concern from before growing further into a frenzy the longer your absence had gone. He’d asked Steve if he knew where you had gone and he didn’t know. Nobody seemed to know anything, and every person he asked gave him the exact same answer as before. His mind could not help jumping to the worst possible conclusions: what if you had been apprehended by one of Escobar’s men? What if you were trapped and rotting away in some concrete cell miles away from him, frightened and scared for your life? What if you were already dead, your body disposed off in a remote location where nobody would ever find you? Or what if you’d left of your own accord, abandoning the country all together and purchasing a one-way ticket to who knows where?

Javier hadn’t stopped looking for you. Actually, it’s what he was doing with a good chunk of his time instead of any actual work. In between tracing reports and locations of the different associates to the Medellín cartel he’d try to track down where you might possibly be. He’d already taken a trip down to the international airport, decidedly misusing his status as a DEA agent to inquire about passengers on outbound flights. Your name hadn’t appeared on any of their lists, so you were still in the country. The main pressing question still remained though.

Carillo had come in earlier with another one of the Search Bloc guys: there was no mistaking the man's stiflingly cold presence, his reputation causing such an air of unsettlement that permeated every room he walked through. As out of it as he was he couldn’t miss the Colonel’s arrival, especially given how the whole reason he had for being there was to go over the leads they’d accumulated from their last raid. He let Steve do most of the talking that day, only really chiming in here and there when needed. Thankfully ever since the incident with the kids Carillo had left him alone, preferring to opt for having Steve tag along with him whenever intel had to be followed up. He paid as little mind as he could to the happenings around him and kept solely focused on the ways he could try to track you down. He felt more like he was tracking a criminal rather than investigating the whereabouts of his ex-girlfriend - not that you’d given him much of a choice in the matter with your disappearing act. It was one thing not to show up to work for a few days straight, but it was the fact that you hadn’t returned home that really worried him. 

As the Colonel was leaving, he took note of the man striding alongside next to him and an idea came to his mind. Perhaps he’d been asking the wrong people in regards to your whereabouts. 

“Trujillo!”. 

At the sound of the sudden call to his name, the man turned to face him with a hint of confusion spread across his face, no doubt taken by surprise to be taken aside for a further discussion by him of all people. He proceeded back to where Javier was standing, giving a slight nod as he came forward. “Peña. Is there a problem?”. 

“You guys have vehicles patrolling the streets of Bogotá, right?”. 

His query earned a lone raised eyebrow from Trujillo. “I thought you already knew the answer to that. Why, what do you want to know?” he asked. 

“My...uhh, colleague, hasn’t come in for a few days. I’ve been asking around here to see if anyone knows where she might be but nobody seems to have anything. None of your guys would have happened to see her in your patrols?” he questioned, attempting and failing to keep the desperation of his desire for an answer out of his tone. He’d spent far too long pretending to be fine with all of this, and he was reaching the end of his thread. “You’ve probably seen her around her quite a bit, she’s a-”.

“Your ex you mean?” Trujillo interjected, effectively silencing him. He noticed the look of surprise on Javier’s face and shrugged. “Don’t act surprised that everyone knows. Neither of you seem to be great at not mixing business with certain personal matters. Sure, someone on Search Bloc might have seen her around. I haven’t come across her myself but I’ll ask around, call you if I find anything out” he added. 

He mumbled a low “Thank you” and returned back to his own desk, where he was still seated now, half an hour later, periodically glancing over at the phone to see if it would ring. Once or twice it had, regrettably with people on the other end who had nothing to do with Trujillo. He would have been less tense if the calls had delivered any type of good news regarding Escobar or one of his cronies but he was given nothing of the sort. To say that the wait was getting to him would be entirely correct and also a massive downplay to what he truly was feeling - stressed was more of a proper word for it, though it fell short as well of honestly describing the emotional lows that he was experiencing. Just as he was beginning to think that Trujillo had forgotten to inquire of your whereabouts, the phone on his desk rang for the third time that day. Snatching the receiver in his hand, he was put at a certain amount of ease at the sound of Trujillo’s voice on the other end of the line, though only somewhat. “You’ve found her?” he demanded, anticipation filling him up that he might finally have a clue to where the hell you had disappeared off to. 

“Yes. One of the others saw her out the front of this hotel a day or two ago. He didn’t think to report it since he wasn’t aware of who she was at the time”. 

He couldn’t believe it. He actually had something that could be called a lead. “Can you give me the name of the hotel?” he asked, grabbing a pen and a loose envelope that was thrown off to the side of his desk. 

“La Farmiga Regia Bogotá. You’ll know it when you see it, you can’t miss it”. 

“Great, great...thanks a lot” he spoke in a hurried voice as he hung up, scratching the name of the hotel down and throwing the scrap of paper into his pocket upon completion, reaching forward to grab the keys to his car. He spotted Steve giving him a certain look out of the corner of his eye as he left, almost as if to say he saw right through his half-baked lies he gave about going to meet with an informant, though he said nothing and simply watched Javier leave with that knowing glint in his eye. 

He’d never sped as fast as he did in his life as he did right then, chasing off the high of finally getting to see you again after what felt like forever. That is, if you were still even at the hotel at all - for all he knew this was yet another bullet point on a wild goose chase after you. He hoped it wouldn’t be - he’d had his time for self-loathing and regret, now was the time for action. He might have run a few red lights here and there but he couldn’t give a red hot shit about that. Too much time had been wasted already, there was no sense in adding to that. 

Diving out of his car and throwing the door shut with a thud, he reached for his yellow aviators that were perched on his perfectly aquiline nose, tilting them down just slightly so he could take in the sight of the hotel in front of him - Trujillo was right, you couldn’t miss the place. He was partially surprised that you’d take up residence in such a gaudy establishment: on a few of the raids you two had conducted you always let a small comment slip about the lack of taste many of the cartel members had in their choices for decor. That was when it hit him that this was the perfect place for you to hide out - it was the last place anyone expected you to be. 

Well, if his information was correct.

Bursting through the hotel doors, he made a beeline for the front desk and pulled out his badge from his pocket, flashing it quickly to the brunette concierge. “Can you tell me if this woman checked out a room in the last couple of days? It’s urgent” he inquired, before giving your name to the woman. He knew he shouldn’t be misappropriating DEA resources for personal matters but he had no choice - he knew you were most likely there but without a room number to seek out that information was next to useless. 

“Of course, I’ll have a look for you” the woman nodded frantically, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear while she typed away at the keyboard in front of her. “Yes, she’s up in room 217, checked in there about four days ago”. 

Javier gave her a brief nod of gratitude and raced off again, this time towards the elevators. There wasn’t any need for him to hurry anymore since he knew you were there, he just couldn’t help it. His heart was going crazy in his chest, ringing in his ears as he punched in the number for the second floor with his breath coming out in low drawn out pants. He thought of everything he wanted to say to you, all the ways things could go wrong from what he was doing now. What was he going to say to you when you opened up your door to him? Would you say anything back? Would you listen to him at all?

An eternity later the elevator doors slid open and admitted him to the second floor, to where he wasted no time barrelling down the corridor and searching for your room. The rows of doors flashed past him, the numbers descending the further down the hall he got. He’d become so preoccupied with himself and his own mission that he’d almost crashed into one of the housekeepers, earning him a well deserved scowl and a low muttering of “cabrón” under the woman’s breath when he’d pushed past her. Soon enough he was right in front of the door to room 217, raising a single fist and throwing it against the smoothed oak wood. 

And not a moment later was when he was met with you once again, hair knotted up and wearing a crumpled t-shirt and panties. The dazed and forlorn look in your eyes vanished immediately as you saw him, being replaced with alarm and vague hostility, though to his surprise you didn’t slam the door in his face afterwards like he had anticipated. You didn’t say anything at all in fact, standing in the doorway of your room and watching him with intensity, waiting for him to break the spell of silence surrounding the both of you. 

“Hermosa…”.

Tag list:

Permanent: @greeneyedblondie44

MPF trilogy: @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @theultimateslashgirl @brandyllyn @voidmalfoy​ @ikinmahlen​

[alexhziee]

Review: A Piece of Your Mind

We all love differently. We all cherish things, memories and people differently. We see and feel things differently. Differently, we put great value in things while others don’t or vice versa. That’s what makes us unique from each other, you do things your way and I do things my way. I remember things this way while you grieve that way. This drama is a good contrast of characters, needing someone, loving someone, looking at them from a far and looking at them closely. 

It's one of those dramas that you had no plans on watching cause you already had a prejudice about it, that it would be boring. It's those that you never expected are usually gems that really struck you. It's nothing flashy or extravagant but the story and the way the drama made you feel, is what made you love it more. 

I don’t watch melodramas for the reasons that I find it a bit dull or slow and requires too much emotional investment. And reading the synopsis for this and watching the trailers, it gave that exact vibe especially with the aesthetic of it all. 

STORY

“We all love differently” is a good phrase to summarize the drama. Ha Won and In Wook’s love for Jisoo is different as are Seo Woo’s and Soon Ho’s love. 

Ha Won and In Wook’s love for Jisoo and her memories are quite the opposite. Ha Won cherished everything about Jisoo. She was the sunshine on a rainy day, she was the light in a dark room, the fire during winter and the warmth during cold days. She was Ha Won’s rock. He was willing to drop his life for her (he did) and would never regret it. 

Ha Won knew his place and never forced her, he waited and waited patiently and even when he realised that she loves someone else, he didn’t argue with it or fought, he respected her decision. Even when their lives moved on Ha Won held on to his love. Even with a tiny memory, he held onto it, he held onto her memories, he held onto her. Having a piece of Ji Soo was enough.

“I only want a small piece of her”

In Wook started loving his wife from afar. He watched her and loved her with all his heart. She was his partner and his other half as he did for her. She was his loving and supporting wife and he cherished and loved her just as much. He didn’t expect though that a past mistake could put a strain to their love and trust. In Wook loved her but his pride got in the way. 

He expected her to just accept it and move on and when she didn’t he distanced himself thinking that it was the best way to let her heal. But there was a part of him that hated Ha Won for loving his wife, he was insecure and guilty. Unlike Ha Won, a piece is not enough, he wanted everything from Jisoo.

Seo Woo and Soon Ho both love someone and the way they approach their love was different but still kind of the same. Seo Woo at first just loved Ha Won just like he did for Ji Soo, patiently and quietly but when she saw that he was hurting, she didn’t comfort him with flowering words but rather slapped him with the truth. 

While Soon Ho, she stuck on his side despite him pushing her away. She was persistent and that was her charm. She wanted to comfort him by being there she didn’t want him to be swallowed by grief. 

His tears give me pain. I want to tell him it’s okay and that he shouldn’t suffer anymore. I want to be able to give strength to my husband. 

-Ji Soo

Seo Woo had a question that I really liked and Eun Joo’s answer was even better. 

 Is one percent potential or false hope?

If you think, “I have a whole percent” it’s potential

If you think “I only have one percent” it's a false hope

I love the idea of viewing one thing differently. Depending on how you see it, it can be a good thing or it can be a bad thing. It's how you see it and how you believe it that matters.

There are a lot of lines in the drama that really struck me, especially when dealing with emotions from situations you can’t control. 

Seo Woo would say to Eun Joo one out of the 100 reasons as to why it won’t work out with Ha Won but I say for every dozen of reasons for it to be wrong, there are thousands of reasons for it to be right. 

“Being sad when you should be angry or annoyed is bad for you. Its okay to be angry”

I forgot who said it but I love that line. 

“Its gonna be okay, the world changes on its own”

I love that the romance was slow at times, it was refreshing from other dramas since it was slow and values too much on each character's feelings, there's no villian who vows to ruin everything but it rather focuses on the grief of loss, the desperation of longing and moving on from pain. 

There is a really good chemistry between both leads, they are the kind of pairing that you want to watch for a long time, which is why it's a bit sad that it got cut short into 12 episodes. 

CHARACTERS

Moon Ha Won is the kind hearted genius who founded M&H and the leading innovator of AI Programming. Despite his success, Hawon is longing for his first love, Ji Soo. His childhood friend and only friend when he was still living in Norway with his mom. 

What I really love about Ha Won is his consistent love and loyalty to those he values. He is very patient and calm, so it was quite different when he got mad. I love that he is such a cool boss and understanding uncle to Soon Ho, despite them being the same age or was he older by a few years?

I love Ha Won’s kind of love. He is not forceful, obsessive or constrictive but rather he was patient, understanding and sentimental. He’s not a high maintenance kind of guy (lol) he values simple things. He has this innocent look that you can’t help but fall in love with.

I love that his feelings (for Seo Woo) didn't just magically appear. It wasn’t love at first sight, he fell in love with her by understanding her. His feelings gradually developed the more he understands how Seo Woo thinks. When he first saw her, it wasn’t love but rather curiosity. He was kind of curious about her and the more he spent time with her, his curiosity morphed into something more.

Han Seo Woo is the recording engineer for a classical music studio. At first I kind of thought that she was just a normal person who is just trying to survive day by day but as the drama progresses, the more secrets of Seo Woo’s life unfolds which reminds of the saying “Don’t judge the book by its cover”. Seo Woo kept her pain inwards, like the majority of the characters in the drama Seo Woo is dealing with or have dealt with memories that are just too painful to handle alone. 

There was a time that it seems like Seo Woo is in love with not the actual person but loves Ha Won's love for Ji Soo, do you get me? She said she loves looking at him when he is asking about Jisoo, the way he cherishes her, misses her the way he gives his all for Jisoo, not being negative or being pessimist but it seems like she is in love with Won's idea of love. 

But after watching it all, I know that she genuinely loves Ha Won. 

I kind of get her dilemma and why she did what she did. She was being thrown in this rollercoaster of emotions and a person can only take so much.

Moon Soon Ho is the biological granddaughter of the diplomat who sponsored Ha Won and his mom while they were staying in Norway. She is like the complete contrast to Ha Won, she is impulsive, impatient and opinionated but that's just Soon Ho’s charm. 

I was a bit disappointed with her though, putting her crush over Ha Won, oh how much I wanted to rip her off the door but somehow I think it was for the better ‘cause Ha Won had the time to cool off and not do something impulsive. 

Kang In Wook is the tormented pianist who records at the recording studio who is also Ji Soo’s husband. I actually didn’t like him at first but I was moved by his pain. He genuinely loves his wife but his pride is his downfall.

It hurt my heart watching him in pain. 

ACTORS

I love the actors. Of Course I love Jung Hae In, although I haven’t watched a lot of his work since most of them are in genres or themes that I was not interested at all but everytime I do get to watch him, I always love him. Somehow this kind of genre and theme just perfectly fits him. 

Then Chae Soo Bin is one of my favorite actresses. She is really pretty and really good at acting, I saw her on I’m not a robot  and Sassy Go Go and I just fell in love with her. She is like a walking doll. 

Although I was a bit disappointed with Lee Ha Na (Soon Ho), I can’t pin point out what but somehow I was kind of disappointed with her in this, although I loved her in Voice with Jang Hyuk not the following season (lol)

And for Kim Sung Gyu, my amazing and awesome Young Shin from Kingdom. I love him here and in the kingdom, he perfectly played the tormented pianist really well. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I rarely like OSTs or drama BGMs. I often find them subjective, like it fits for that single purpose alone and after the drama has passed, it's just no longer meaningful but somehow all of the music in this drama just gives me shivers (tbh, Idk why) but it just does. I find myself looking for it and constantly having it in repeat which is a big help for me right now since my insomnia keeps on coming back. 

e Aesthetic for the drama is very soothing, warm and calming which perfectly fits the overall feeling of the drama. The cinematography is really great and the locations are breathtakingly beautiful. 

Would I recommend it? Yes, it's a refreshing drama that nourishes your heart and your soul. It's one of those dramas that doesn’t need the over the top climax or horrifying or despicable villains. All the emotions that each character goes through from pain, desperation, grief to happiness is the main gem of the drama. 

If you haven’t watch it, instead of being led by stereotypes and prejudices (like me from the start) that melodramas are boring and dull, watch it with open mind and open heart and then you can genuinely judge if its a good drama or not.

ABOUT THE DRAMA

Synopsis

An innovator in the world of artificial intelligence programming, Moon Ha Won has made quite a name for himself in the AI industry. The founder and brain behind the popular portal site, M&H, Ha Won is a man everyone knows. A man devoted to his work, everyone knows he doesn’t take what he does lightly and expects his employees to follow suit, but he’s also known as a kindhearted, rational thinker, who never gets angry and never loses his cool. An ideal man, with a soft heart, Ha Won believes that when it comes to love, having even a small fraction of his love’s heart is enough to sustain him. But that theory is put to the test when Han Seo Woo wanders into his world.

A classical music recording engineer, Seo Woo hasn’t had the easiest life. With no family to support her, and no place to call home, Seo Woo has spent the majority of her life wandering and alone. Despite her difficulties, Seo Woo has managed to keep an open and optimistic mindset, believing that all things happen for a reason. Wandering down the path life has laid before her, Seo Woo soon finds herself crossing paths with Ha Won. As the two begin a journey together, they come to find that sometimes two different halves really can make a whole.

Episodes: 12 Aired: Mar 23, 2020 - Apr 28, 2020 Aired On: Monday, Tuesday Original Network: tvN Duration: 1 hr. 11 min. Content Rating: 15+ - Teens 15 or older Director: Lee Sang Yeob Screenwriter: Lee Sook Yun Genres: Romance, Life, Drama, Melodrama

Source:https://mydramalist.com/38491-half-of-half and google

[luxekook]

good boy ❂ hjs

❂ pairing: han jisung x reader (ft. hyunjin, changbin, & minho)

❂ genre: smut (pretty much a pwp), slight fluff, crack

❂ summary: in which you encounter a baby boy in your kitchen and you just have to make him yours

❂ word count: 3.4k (this was supposed to be a *drabble* lol)

❂ warnings: 18+, cursing, dom/sub themes (dom!reader & sub!jisung), alcohol, smut [sex toys (cock ring), teasing, biting, spitting, edging, jisung being whiny, oral (m receiving), noona kink, voyeurism, nipple piercings]

“So, you’re saying you could get any girl in here?”

You scowl as you overhear this inane conversation happening in your very kitchen. When your roommate Jisoo said she wanted to have a few people over, you should have known she had really meant that she was going to invite the entire damn university. 

Your small apartment is now overrun with co-eds, and you are planning to escape right back to your room once you finish grabbing your wine from the fridge. Parties aren’t really your thing. You prefer smaller and more intimate gatherings. But then again, your tastes have always been peculiar.

Which leads you to where you are right now, dressed only in your friend Soobin’s stolen t-shirt and your tiniest pair of sleep shorts, glaring over at the small group of gossiping boys across your kitchen island.

“Of course!” One of the boys nods, his full cheeks flushing. He’s admittedly cute with wide eyes and pouty lips. His hair is a mess of dark brown with lighter streaks mixed in. His whole vibe is amusingly at odds with his words.

“He’s such a sub,” You conclude, chuckling slightly. You’re pretty sure the only thing that boy can get from any girl in your place tonight is a thorough punishment.

You’re too deep in your analysis to notice that you had spoken aloud until you’re faced with four boys - three of which look entertained as hell and the fourth looks like he either wants to run away or to fight you. 

“Can I help you boys?” You sigh, cradling your wine to your chest. This is why you should have bought a mini fridge - less social interaction.

“You think Han’s a sub?” The tallest boy grins at you, “Why?” 

You smile slightly back up at him. He’s handsome, with striking eyes and a sexy as hell lip ring. 

“I am not a sub,” Han whines, recapturing your attention with a glare and a vicious pout. “Take that back!”

God, he’s adorable. Your lips twitch as you try to remain impassive. You haven’t seen such a bratty boy since your last sub had graduated over the summer. And now you’ve been without one for about a month now… Maybe things could be looking up for you.

Maybe you’ll play with him and see.

“No,” You say, shrugging slightly, “I don’t see what’s so bad about being a sub anyway. Baby boys are always very well taken care of, Hannie.” 

Two of the boys choke on their drinks, the one who had talked to you earlier gasps, and Han flushes bright red, his mouth opening and closing.

You grin wickedly at his speechlessness and saunter right up to him. Rising to your tiptoes, you lean into his body and whisper into his ear, “If you change your mind, my room is right down the hall, baby boy.”

You nip his earlobe lightly and then pull back. “Night, boys,” You wave with a smile as you exit the kitchen, sending a wink at Han who looks shell shocked.

And as you make your way down the hall, you hear, “Fuck me.” 

You just hope he asks you that later.

Almost an hour later, your wine is halfway gone, and you’ve pretty much given up all hope on your prospective sub. Sighing, you take another sip of your pinot and contemplate going against all of your principles and venturing back out into the throes of the party.

And then you hear the lightest of knocks on your bedroom door. Your smile is immediate. Setting your glass down, you hop off your bed and pad over to open your door. Sure enough, Han stands there looking like he might bolt at any second.

You wait for him to speak first and watch gleefully as he fidgets under your gaze.

“S-sorry,” He finally mutters, turning away from you, “This was stupid. You obviously were just messing with me. God, now I look like a dumbass, and Hyunjin will never let me live this d—”

You take pity on the poor boy, grabbing his wrist and tugging him into your room. Shutting the door behind him, you point to your bed.

“Sit,” You order and internally squeal in excitement when he complies without hesitation. The way his wide brown eyes are gazing up at you makes you melt, but you keep it together. “Now, why did you decide to come visit me, Hannie?”

“Jisung,” He blurts out and then ducks his head, blushing.

“Jisung,” You test it out slowly, and he reacts, shuddering slightly. “You like it when I say your name, huh?”

“Yes, noona,” He nods, gaze still on the floor. You gently place two fingers under his chin and lift his face up to look at him.

“Jisungie,” You murmur, “Have you been asking about me out there? How do you know that I’m older than you?” 

He blinks up at you, “I asked Jisoo-noona, and she said you’re in the same level as her.”

“Jisoo,” Your eyes narrow, and then you refocus on the situation at hand, “Now, Jisungie, I’ll only ask you one more time. Why are you in my room?”

You feel him swallow beneath your fingertips. “I-I don’t know,” He tries.

“Really,” you arch an eyebrow, swiping your thumb across the seam of his lips.

“Fine!” Jisung’s glare is as cute as it is fierce, “I’m here because you’re really hot even though you’re kind of scary and you embarrassed me in front of my friends and you might be out of my league and—”

You put your palm across his mouth, silencing him. “Oh, baby boy. Are you here because you think I’ll give you something? That’s not how this works, Jisungie. Subs have to earn their rewards, you see; and I don’t think you’ve earned one just yet.”

“How can I earn one?” He begs as soon as you take your hand away, “Please, noona. I’ve been half hard since you walked in the kitchen looking like you had just been fucked… But now I know it’s more likely that you had been the one to do the fucking.”

Oh my. Your mind connects the dots. “Baby boy, is that why you were making such outrageous claims?”

“Well,” He pouts, “I wouldn’t call them ‘outrageous’...” He notices your unimpressed expression and sighs, “Fine. Yes. I wanted to impress you, okay? Clearly that backfired.”

You can’t help yourself. You lean over Jisung and cup his cheeks in your hands, “Aw, you’re just so cute, Sungie. What am I going to do with you? No… more like what am I going to do with you first?”

Jisung squirms under you, bringing your attention to the growing bulge in his tight jeans. 

“Are you drunk, lovely?” You purr, running your hands down his chest.

“N-no, noona,” His breath catches as you drag your hands farther down, teasing the waistband of his jeans. 

“Do you have a safe-word?” You pause your ministrations and look into his eyes to assess his level of comfort.

“Damn,” He breathes, “You’re gonna fuck up my shit good, aren’t you, noona?”

You roll your eyes to the ceiling, “Not if you keep saying things like that.”

“Noted,” He salutes you with a smile and you glare. Straightening, you walk over to your drawer of fun. 

“I’m still not hearing a safe-word, baby,” You call over your shoulder.

“Um,” His face scrunches up adorably as he thinks, “Yosemite?” You laugh slightly as you peruse your collection of sex toys. You had a poster from that National Park on your wall.

“Yosemite, it is,” You say, finally choosing your toy for the night. You flex the cock ring between your fingers. Oh yes, this would work just fine. “Baby,” You turn back to Jisung as he still sits on your bed. Your eyes immediately fall to his hands as they press into his crotch. “What are you doing?”

Jisung takes his hands away immediately, “Sorry, noona. You’re just so sexy.” His stare burns into your bare legs. And then he notices what you’re holding. “Oh, fuck.”

You laugh, “You’ll love it, baby. Promise. Now, I’m going to wash this, and when I get back, I want you stripped and laying on my bed, okay?”

He nods furiously. “Good boy,” You praise, and you almost sigh at the way he lights up at your words. How in the world has this boy not been claimed yet? 

You head into your bathroom and take your time washing the ring. Even though you haven’t used this one yet, it still doesn’t hurt to be careful. Patting the cock ring dry, you reenter the bedroom and take in the sight before you.

Jisung is spread out on your bed, his cock hard against his stomach. His hands are clenched at his sides as he seems to be trying his hardest not to touch himself. You walk over to him, running your hand up his body as you go and then leaning down to place the lightest of kisses on his lips.

Pulling back, he tries to follow your mouth and you laugh, “Oh no, Sungie, you’ll take what I give you, and no more. Got it?”

He nods, not looking too pleased. 

“I want your words, baby,” Your thumb pads over his nipple and he hisses a breath in between his teeth.

“Y-yes, noona,” He whines, already desperate for your touch.

“Good. Now, Sungie, have you ever used a cock ring before?” You ask, stretching the object in question out in front of you.

“No, noona,” Jisung bites his lip, squirming a bit on your bed as he stares at the way your fingers play with the ring. “But I want to try.”

“Okay, baby boy,” You kiss him again and he moans into your mouth as your tongue slides out to brush over his full lower lip. Pulling back slightly, you murmur, “Remember your safe-word, lovely.” 

His wide eyes blink up at you and you can’t resist kissing him once more, this time nibbling his lip between your teeth and drawing a delicious whine from his throat. 

You straighten and walk to the foot of the bed. Climbing up, you straddle Jisung’s legs and set the cock ring down to the side for now. “Ready, baby boy?”

“Fuck yes!” 

You shoot him a look and he gulps, “I-I mean, yes, noona!”

God, he looks so good sprawled out underneath you, at your mercy. Even his cock is pretty, a feat you honestly hadn't been sure was possible. Oh, you are going to wreck this boy.

You lean over his cock and let your spit drip from your mouth and onto his length. Jisung moans as he watches you with dark eyes, his pupils blown out. “Noona is filthy,” He groans as you finally wrap your hand around him and slowly move it up and down to coat him fully.

Leaning down, you lick the bead of precum from the head of his cock and smirk at the low whine that Jisung makes in response. Gripping him tightly, you take more of his hard cock into your mouth and suck. You bob up and down, continuing to squeeze his base and his balls in your hands.

Jisung is quite vocal, you discover, as he moans your name in between what seems like every curse word under the sun. You swallow around him and almost laugh as he cries, “Fucking Christmas tree!” 

You release him and giggle, “Christmas tree?”

“Noona,” He whines, “Don’t judge me. I can’t think when your mouth is on me.” 

You just shake your head at the beautiful boy beneath you and then tell him, “Let me know when you’re about to come, okay?”

He nods swiftly, eagerly anticipating his release. Oh, what a mistake, you grin internally. You lick your way up his shaft from base to tip and then take him back into your mouth. You don’t take it slow like before; you blow him hard. Your hands squeeze him and you swallow him over and over. 

His legs are shaking underneath you as his moans pick up in volume. You wonder if his friends can hear him now. Honestly, they’re probably right outside your door right now, you think. Might as well give them a good show to listen to…

“I-I’m gonna come,” Jisung groans, his hips thrusting up shallowly. You immediately tighten your grip around his base and remove your mouth from him.

Jisung gasps, “N-no! Please, I’m so close!”

You pay him no mind, grabbing the cock ring from beside you. “Do you remember your safe-word, Jisung?” You ask, pausing to make sure he’s still okay with what you plan to do.

“Ye-es, noona,” His teeth bite down on his lower lip as he looks at you desperately.

“And do you want to use it now?” You aren’t sure of his limits and you don’t want to push him too far.

“No, noona,” His eyes narrow resolutely, “Give it to me.”

“Oh, baby boy,” You grin, “I will.” Slowly, you slide the ring down his cock with ease after having thoroughly sucked him off already. “If this gets too tight, tell me right away, okay, baby?”

He nods, “F-feels good. Tight.” Your eyebrows raise. Does Jisung even know what cock rings are used for? You might have to pay closer attention to him than you thought. 

You take him back into your mouth and his hips immediately thrust up. You push him down with your hands firmly pressed to his hips. You feel him swelling in your mouth as the blood gathers, no doubt making him more sensitive than before. 

“A-ah, noona!” Jisung moans. His hand latches into your hair as your mouth sinks up and down on his cock. “G-gonna come, please.” 

Oh, baby… You nod despite knowing his impending disappointment. He would learn quickly. You take him deeper than before, your nose brushing his pelvis, and he comes without the rush of relief that usually accompanied the sensation.

You pull back, watching as his face contorts in an array of emotions in a short moment - elation, confusion, frustration, dissatisfaction. “N-noona,” He cries, looking down at you in horror, “What—?” 

Gripping him lightly, you marvel at the thickness of his length and the veins that pop out, more pronounced than before. 

“You’re so pretty, Sungie. So good for me, baby,” You murmur as his eyes squeeze shut just from the mere stimulation of your palm surrounding him. You kiss his cock, worshipping it with your mouth, with your tongue.

“Noona,” Your eyes flick up to look at Jisung’s face. Tears are leaking from his eyes as his chest heaves. “Please. Have to come so bad, it hurts.” 

You release him and he sobs, “No-o! Noona!” His hands grip his cock, but he’s so sensitive that he releases it immediately. More tears flow from his wide eyes as he pleads, “Please, noona, please.”

You aren’t even sure he knows what he’s asking for; and so you decide to present him with some options. 

“Baby boy,” You press kisses up his stomach, his chest, and finally to his cheeks. Wiping his tears, you gently kiss his lips. “Do you want to come in noona’s mouth or on her tits?”

Jisung’s eyes widen more than you thought possible as he practically yells, “Tits! Please, let me come on noona’s tits!” 

Placing one last kiss on his lips, you move back down his body and tug your shirt over your head. 

“Fuck,” Jisung breathes as his eyes immediately drop to your chest, taking in your pierced nipples. “Noona, you’re so beautiful, so fine.”

“Oh, baby boy,” You laugh, “You’re so sweet.”

“Not sweet,” He scowls, “I’m strong. A tough man. A ah—”

You grab his cock and squeeze, effectively cutting him off. “You were saying?” You grin.

“So evil,” He mutters, his voice cracking.

Chuckling, you slowly and gently remove the cock ring from his hard length. If you’re being honest with yourself, you really want to sit on it right now. But it’s too soon for that entirely. So you’ll just have to settle for making this cute little baby boy come harder than he’s ever come before.

Jisung is already a moaning mess underneath you as his blood-flow finally returns, heightening his sensitivity. And when you take him into your mouth, he lets out a string of what you can only assume to be curses that definitely are not in any language you’re familiar with. 

Your tongue swipes over the pulsing vein on the underside of his cock. One hand moves up and down his base while the other moves up his body to tug on his nipples. Jisung’s head is thrown back as his abs clench, his thighs shake. He’s moaning your name like a prayer as his fingers dig into your hair.

“I’m close,” Jisung groans, “Please, noona!” 

You pull back, keeping your hand firmly on his cock, moving up and down. You move your body closer to him as he comes. Ropes of his come coat your tits as he moans loudly at the sight and at the sensation of finally getting his release. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” He chants, still coming. You carry him through his orgasm, stroking him and murmuring sweet words. 

Finally, he sinks back into the softness of your bed, spent. You continue to stroke him, “How are you feeling, baby boy?”

“Fucking great,” Jisung grins, looking so fucked out. “Noona, you’re like an orgasm wizard.”

“I’m a what?” You laugh, releasing him and hopping up off the bed. You start to shuffle over to your bathroom to get cleaned up, but Jisung whines, stopping you in your tracks.

“No-o, noona, come back,” He pleads, “Wanna see your tits up close.”

“Are you joking?” You roll your eyes, but give in nonetheless. Quickly grabbing a damp washcloth from your bathroom, you walk back over to Jisung. He props himself up on his elbows, taking the sight of his come on your chest.

“Damn,” He licks his lips, “Noona, you look so good covered in my come. You made me come so fucking hard. Come on, let me taste you. Let me make you come this time.”

You shake your head, smiling, “Oh no, baby boy. You still haven’t earned that privilege yet.”

“What!?” Jisung fully sits up now, “But-but, noona! You have to be so wet right now, right? Please.”

You lean down, a breath away from his lips as you say, “I am so fucking wet for you, Sungie. And once you leave, I’m going to touch myself to the image of you falling apart under me.”

Jisung’s breath hitches, rendered speechless. You move away from him, wiping your chest clean and shrugging your t-shirt back on.

“Stay here,” You order, turning back to look at the beautifully ruined boy on your bed, “I’m going to get you some water.”

He just nods, pouting adorably. Oh, he is going to be so much fun, you think. Flicking the lock on your door, you pull it open and sigh at the sight you’re met with.

Three boys stare at you with wide eyes and varying states of embarrassment. Jisung’s friends, as predicted, had indeed enjoyed the show if their unbuttoned jeans were any indication. The boy with black hair and intense dark brown eyes blushes under your assessment. Next to him, the boy with lighter brown hair and delicate features stares back at you with a somewhat challenging look in his eyes. And, finally, the tallest boy with that goddamned piercing licks his lips, tongue flicking over the silver hoop on his lower lip. 

“Enjoy the show, boys?” You arch an eyebrow.

“Not as much as Han,” The light haired boy mutters. 

You size him up, “And your name is?”

“Minho,” He answers, glowering. “That’s Hyunjin and Changbin,” He adds, pointing at lip ring and dark eyes. 

“Minho,” You murmur, reaching out to brush your thumb across his cheek, “Be a darling and get your friend Han a glass of water, would you? He just came so hard all across my tits - as I’m sure you heard - and he needs to hydrate.”

They gape at you once again, eyes flicking down every so often. 

“Well?” You level Minho with a stare that sends him off. You wait for his return in tense silence, and when he finally reappears with glass in hand, you accept it from his grasp. 

“Now,” You say, addressing the three of them, “Are you going to come in? Or are you just going to stand out here all night?”

And that’s how you end up spending your Friday night surrounded by four good boys.

You just might like parties after all.

© luxekook do not repost, edit or translate

[mochii0park]

 meraki; chapter 01 I jhs

Title: Meraki

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader / Jin x Reader

Part of series: Waterlilies and Japanese Bridge

Genre: angst I fluff

Pairing: literaryscout!hoseok x writer!reader

Word count: 4.5k

Summary: Throughout your whole life you lived in your sister’s shadow, watching from side-lines as she formed herself into a successful businesswoman with an envying life. Never being able to fill her shoes you gradually understood the meaning of an estranged family and the burden it carried. The twenties began slowly slipping from your grasp which had been embedded with insecurities and longing for fulfilment. Pouring your heart out to strangers with a pseudonym meraki, you began second guessing the decision when an email lands in your inbox.

Author's note: unedited, it's 2am I'll reread it tomorrow

Taglist: if you want to be added to the taglist message me

@namsope32 , @cuteipat , @ofvopemin

Masterlist

Meraki masterlist

< intro | chapter 02 >

Seokjin got engaged and moved to the USA.

Your lanky fingers hover over the keyboard, the reality of the situation still lingering in the air. The send button felt heavy, as if the action would make a shift in your universe. You have already made mends with how things were going between you, but it still felt crushing.

Sucking up the little pride you had left after lying to your friend, you push the button and lock the phone hoping to gain some sanity in your walk back to the apartment. It had been a regular night out with your friends. Coffee chitchat alongside freshly baked cookies which you got as an apology for being late.

Your mutual friends felt the need to notify you of the sudden change in Seojkin’s life, wanting you to hear it from them first. Pushing it to the back of your mind as nothing but an additional fact, you continue through the night with a smile. That lasted until you the rounder the corner.

Seokjin had been your friend through university and even later as you grew up and struggled to make ends meet.  You had been there for him when his girlfriend of five years decided to dump his ass having a shift in her feelings towards him. You mended his heart through late night talks and rides across the city. He was your kiss partner after breakups, picking up your self-esteem and gluing it together. In conclusion, Seokjin was your everything. If only the feeling was mutual.

Days before deciding to confess to him, he blasts your phone with messages about a girl that pulled all the strings in his heart and awoke oceans of memories. Kim Jisoo was his high-school crush with whom he lost contact after entering his last relationship. Reconciling through social media the two hit off where they last left it and suddenly you became the dust under his shoes. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months of not seeing him. With a deeply rooted pain in your chest and a jealousy for the new girl in his life you stepped down allowing Jisoo to consume his being. Afterall who were you than a mere friend, easily replaceable.

The last slap came when you drunkenly confessed, having enough of their roller coaster like relationship. That was the last time you’ve heard of Seokjin’s teary-eyed voice telling you goodbye over the phone. No matter how many times he told you this sounded like the end and the suffering he felt was unbearable; it was nothing compared to the sound of your heart shattering into pieces.

Sehun told you many times that the timing was so off it made him uncomfortable, but that’s the thing about you and Seokjin. Everything was off with the two of you. From kisses to cuddles to nudes after midnight to serious conversations about pineapple pizza. Friends don’t do that, is what you kept telling yourself when the feelings for him slowly grew from platonic to romantic.

In midst of your thoughts your phone rang. Sehun the attachment dealer flashed across your phone. Giggling at the memory of how the nickname came to be, a warm feeling nest itself inside your chest. “Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“I left the Howl Cafe, I’m near home.”

He hums, the sound of the blinker echoing in the distance. “I’m there in five. Meet me at the bus station at beginning of your street.”

There were instances when disobeying Sehun felt like the biggest thrill of your life but right now when feelings you couldn’t pinpoint ran through you clouding your judgement, Sehun felt like a silver lining. As you wait for him to arrive, you can’t help but scroll through your phone in search for that one picture of Seokjin.

The only one you’ve saved after your last conversation. He was leaning against the wall of the bakery, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. His bleached hair fell over his rimmed glasses giving him an emo vibe. It was somewhere around three am when you’ve taken this photo. 

Both of you exhausted from running aimlessly around the city. He begged you to visit this bakery at the top of a hill, assuring you about the quality of their goods. You remember that night vividly, how you would steal a kiss or two in the shadows hiding from the reality. How he would woo you with his terrible French accent and you would answer him in your broken German.

You miss him. You miss him to the point where it physically hurt.

Sehun honks ever so caring about the people sleeping peacefully in their homes. He bursts into laughter at your jumpy reaction making you feel annoyed as you lock your phone. Settling yourself in his car you wait for his I told you so, but it never comes. Instead, he turns on his Spotify playlist clicking on Olivia Rodrigo’s good 4 u blasting it a such high volume all thoughts you had were overridden with the upbeat song.

Sehun had been your friend for the same amount Seokjin was. The two knew each other through a few short encounters, for some reason they never crossed paths for longer than ten minutes. For that you were thankful. The song comes to a finish and Sehun observes you from his seat. The lights of the city painted on the window illuminated your face, giving him a prefect view of your perplexed expression.

“How are you feeling?”

You knew he would ask this question, after all the sole reason you were driving on a highway was because of your damped mood but in whole honesty you didn’t know the answer.

“A part of me had expected it. He talked about marrying her, but he also talked about wanting to drop everything and own a cottage in Sweden.”

“Your taste in men is terrible. Remember Mark? The guy who had so many career goals but couldn’t leave his house because he thought having a life outside work was overly distracting for his oh so important career as IT support at ZARA? Or Mino who was so high you couldn’t recognise him when he dropped the weed after your breakup.” Sehun snorts.

You roll your eyes at him. Surely your boyfriend track wasn’t the best but it’s not like you seek out boys with issues, it seems that they attach themselves to you and you can’t get rid of them without a major heartbreak. “Whatever.”

Sehun stretches forward pulling your favourite chocolate bar out of the compartment, throwing it in your lap. You smile, munching on it as you switch the song to Zayn and Sia’s Dusk Till Dawn.

“I just expected him to inform me.”

Sehun shakes his head. “I am not sure why you expected that. You two haven’t shared one conversation in two months. You’ve asked for space when he told you he can’t choose between you and Jisoo. Plus, that was a dick move to be honest making him choose between his girlfriend and his best friend.”

“Space,” you emphasise,” not utter silence. He didn’t move two fucking blocks Sehun. He moved to a whole fucking country without telling a soul. Our mutual friend finds out through an Instagram story. Fucking Instagram. And I don’t care, he was a dick that started this charade might as well end it.”

By now you were fully shouting, the tears that threatened to spill before now rushing down your face. In this moment you didn’t care much about Sehun’s awkwardness regarding tears and crying, that was pushed aside when he backed Seokjin’s decision and pissed all over yours.

“Y/N,” he whispers, turning down the volume as you whimper, “there is not much you can do. You must respect his decision. You can’t force someone to love you.”

It was your turn to huff at the stupidity of his words. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t go about kissing people. Respect decision? Fuck that. Did he respect me when he made a fool out of me?

“No.”

Sehun exhales knowing that in this case you weren’t in the right mind to have a rational conversation. Seokjin was your weak point, he knew that much. Your emotions began to pour out, leaving you a sobbing mess in his car. 

“Look, I can’t stop you from having all sort of emotions for him. I can only advice you to turn off your phone for tonight and give yourself time to process the information before doing anything you might regret.”

 “I won’t blast his phone with insulting messages if that’s what you think.”

“Good, also don’t eat out your emotions. You can’t stand too much sugar in your system.” 

“Thanks doctor. I’ll just write out my emotions instead.” You say leaning into the seat, closing your eyes as you listen to the music.

“You still write on that blog?” You can hear some amazement in Sehun’s voice, and you know it’s not to mock you but to praise you for managing to stay faithful to one thing this long. You had a reputation for giving up on things in early stages because you couldn’t finish them perfectly.

The rest of the ride was spent with you eating out your emotions with the food Sehun bought from your local fast-food restaurant. Not much was said between you and him as he drove into the night letting you process the whole situation, only dropping you off at home when you felt yourself calming down.

Once in the confides of your room you strip yourself of any pent-up emotions letting all the pallet of different feelings overran you. Taking a pen, you let your heart pour into endless words scribbled away in your notebook. When you’ve felt empty the high gone, you take your laptop opening the site you’ve a long time member of. It came to you on Instagram in a form of a poorly done advertisement. It was a website for people wanting to share their poetry with strangers.

At first, you’ve done what you always do: began self-doubting your poems and their worth. Most of them were written in a spur of a moment when you felt like you would burst from the number of things you felt. But one night, when sleep couldn’t come to you and the pain of losing the person you held dear lingered in the air threatening to choke you; you signed in posting your work. It was raw and you suddenly felt exposed and naked in front of the world.

That’s how Meraki came to be. How your pseudonym became your shield, allowing you to burden it with any thought or emotion you’ve felt. In the online world Meraki was a fierce writer, letting her readers know of the pain and suffering she felt. In real world Meraki was an introverted person hiding herself from anyone willing to come close.

                                                   ____

 It was a hot Wednesday morning when you’ve gotten an e-mail from your sister informing you of her whereabouts. Due to your mother’s work preventing her from traveling, she decided to pay you a visit instead; much to your delight. The days to her wedding were numbered and so was your sanity.

Luckily for you she and her fiancée decided to stay with your parents.

The thought of her roaming the halls of the only place you’ve managed to cover in comfort was disturbing you. It wasn’t that you hated your sister but although you’ve dealt with your own insecurities some parts of the trauma still hung over you.

You’ve managed to avoid her for a good number of days since she landed in Seoul but now a week later you ran out of excuses. That’s how you found yourself sitting in a posh sea food restaurant, juggling your anxiety during the family dinner.

The last time you saw your whole family was at your grandfather’s birthday (which happened six months ago). The event left a bad taste in your mouth after you’ve spent majority of time listening to your sister’ success only receiving attention when she addressed you.

Solar and her fiancée Minho discussed the menu as they skimmed through different meals. You have been so busy staring at one spot that you’ve never noticed the waiter taking orders.

“Y/N?” Solar spoke catching your attention.

“One chicken fillet for me please.” You were so preoccupied with different thoughts you never saw what they had to offer therefore you went with your go-to food.

The moment the waiter leaves the table with the menus, your mother scoffs. “Aish you’re eating chicken again, we’re in an exclusive sea food restaurant and you’re embarrassing us.  “

“Mother, let her eat what she wants.” Solar interrupted your mother’s complaining, switching the topic to her wedding dress. Your mother beamed at the photos she showed her.

It was somehow sad how much power Solar had over your parents. One word was enough to ease them into doing whatever she liked whilst you had to beg and crawl your way and even then, you were no match for her.

You felt severely out of the place. The two talking about preparations while your father and Minho gushed over their new apartment in Tokyo. You sat there in your chair counting down minutes until you could leave. Any other day you wouldn’t bother to attend the dinner but now Solar insisted you showed up. Something about the sight of her family warming her heart, bunch of bullshit.

“How are you doing Y/N?” She asks ignoring your mother as she mumbles under her breath about your bad habits, one being smoking.

You took up smoking in your last year of university when the pressure of getting a master’s degree and balancing your parents had been too much to take in. A lot of your friends decided to find comfort in weed, but you never understood the thrill of it. Rather than spending enormous amounts for just one puff, you could buy a pack of cigarettes and still have money left for some booze.

“Not much, same old same old.” You answered pushing your nervousness away.

There wasn’t much happening in your life. You’ve started a job in a bookstore and spent your free time either with Sehun or Jihyo.

“How’s Seokjin?”

That one question had caught the table’s attention and suddenly you felt a terrible need to smoke one. Your families were acquainted through work, your fathers working together on a project. They had been shocked when they discovered that you and Seokjin had been close friends for a long time.

“He’s fine.”

“I heard he got engaged,” Your mother spoke up,” to Kim’s daughter Jisoo. Ah what a wonderful being that one is.”

“Oh?” Solar gave your mother a perplexed look narrowing her head at you. You played with the glass in front of you, the object suddenly becoming interesting.

“I thought you and he were dating.” Minho joined, telling the words that were stuck on the tip of your sister’s tongue.

“Y/N and Seokjin? Don’t make me laugh. They are worlds apart. Seokjin is so focused on his career while our Y/N thinks writing will make her a fortune.”

Taking a sip of water, you try your best to wash away the nasty words threatening to leave your mouth. Your parents never approved of your career choice not that you even cared about their opinion.

Solar hums pulling her lips into a straight line. “I’ve must’ve mistaken then. I was sure I saw you-“

“Here is your food.”

And that’s how you were saved from the embarrassment of having to explain to your sister that what she saw was imagination playing tricks on her and not you and Jin making out in front of your house. It was awkward enough when she pestered you about it the next day.

The conversation takes on a different dynamic and you breathe out in relief. You were still trying to process the news and talking about him wasn’t helping your soul.  You gather yourself before your façade could fall and mask it with a stoic expression continuing your countdown till desert when Sehun would call you for an “emergency”.

Right on time you think as your phone began to ring.

You pretend to gasp covering your mouth to show concern as Sehun sputtered nonsense. He kept talking about his trip to the gym and how his feet hurt from all the exercise he did while you tried not to show disgust as explained in detail how hit his little finger against a metal device . Solar shot you a worried look as you excused yourself from the table.

“And the award for the best actress goes out to Y/L Y/N” Sehun pitches once you close the door of the restaurant. Shooting a quick apology message to Solar, you jump into his car deJa’vu hitting you.

“I should get paid for spending so much time with you.” Sehun dripped in sweat, his black shirt sticking moistly to his body, hair pushed back.

You shrugged falling into a comfortable silence. Half an hour later he stops at the number 13, the windows of your house distinguishable by the large number of flowers catching last rays of Sun before the night settles.

“That will be 100 won and a Mcdonald’s later when you’re free.”

“Yeah, not happening” you tell Sehun, already halfway out of the car, rucksack slipping from your shoulder.

He raises a brow at you.” I am not your personal driver Y/N. I had to leave my girlfriend to drive you back.”

You scoff as you roll your eyes at him.” I’ve told you to call me for an emergency. There was no picking up included.”

He mimics your words mockingly before pressing the gas pedal leaving you behind him. Unlocking your apartment door, you’re greeted with your dog sleeping in the hallway not giving you a second glance as you pass over him. Haku’s snores echo through the empty apartment warming your heart. The Shiba became your companion two years ago when you were going through a rough patch. It took some time for you to get used to each other but now you couldn’t image not having his snot buried into your business.

Turning on the lights you sit at the kitchen table pulling your leg up to rest your head on the knee. Opening your laptop, you see a few notifications popping up on the sideline about your recent orders. Just when you were about to close the notification center you see one mail standing out. The name Jung Hoseok makes you jolt in your seat.

Dear writer aka meraki,

I hope this e-mail find you well. My name is Jung Hoseok, I’m the CEO of ZER Publishing company. I’ve taken interest in your poetry and would like to have a meeting to discuss a possible collaboration between us.

Kind regards,

Jung Hoseok

The scream that came from you couldn’t possibly be human. Closing the laptop as if it will burn you, you throw it on the sofa choosing to avoid it until tomorrow.

You didn’t know how he found you giving that any personal information on the site was strictly private. Pacing back and forward you facetimed Sehun. He picks up after three very long rings making your heart beat erratically against your chest.

“I swear to God if this is another one of your emergency calls.” Sehun stands there in nothing but a towel hugging his waist. He moves to the other side of the bathroom, bare feet pacing against the marble floor.

“I got an e-mail.”

He curses, his voice muffled from the towel pressed against his face. ” You called me to tell me about a mail?”

“Not any mail, Sehun. I was contacted by Jung Hoseok.” You whisper still walking back and forward, Haku following every step of yours. Sehun tries not to pay close attention to you, getting slowly dizzy from all the commotion.

“And something tells me I should know who that is?”

You halt taking a moment to stop yourself from starting a conversation about common knowledge again, it was a sour subject. “He messaged through the mail used for Meraki.”

This time Sehun is quite for a few seconds taking in your words. You don’t see him, but you can hear deodorant spray and shuffle of clothes. “How? Isn’t that private?”

“Yes.”

And suddenly the anxious feeling was back. The poems you wrote there were strictly private, the mention of your love life and your hardships with your family were never meant to be linked back to you. You’ve checked the websites policy not wanting anyone to associate you with the account. If that were to happen you can immediately start packing your things to move to another continent.

“I am sure he didn’t hack it; nobody is that desperate. Maybe he contacted the website owner?” Sehun takes his phone, hair freshly washed strands falling over his face. He moves from the bathroom to the kitchen placing you carefully , so you could see the whole room.

You think for a second, there was a possibility. “Isn’t that a violation of my privacy?”

“I can try to read out the rights and policy. Come up with a text signed as your lawyer but Y/N” Sehun’s voice is soft, something he did to calm you down. He stood in the middle of the kitchen, eyes having an internal battle, the look you’ve seen on him in rare moments.

“Yes?”

“I am sure if you refuse, he won’t bother you. I am also sure you don’t have much to lose if you agree.”

                                                         ____

Hoseok was on his fifth coffee by noon, deprived of any sleep last night.  He was starved for a good literature piece that would leave him in myriad emotions. Sadly, he came up with an empty line. He spent his days cocooned in the corner of Suho’s café reading page by page poetry that awoke no emotion except irritation. He was on the brink of losing his mind.

Suho slides into the booth, careful not to startle Hoseok.” Have you found anything?”

Hoseok ruffles his hair before resting his head in his hands. He was desperate enough to visit fanfiction sites in hopes of stumbling upon work that had  the spark.

“Maybe you should take a break? Visit those open mic nights where people recite their poems?”

Hoseok shakes his head having already used that option last week. “I’ve been to three mic nights and not one was interesting. I am on a verge leaving everything behind to become a stripper. Yoongi did say I have an amazing body."

Sehun by now used to his friend’s dramatic antics shrugs his shoulder.” You should really take a break. You’ve been searching for a month now.”

Hoseok wished he could take a break, but the existence of his firm lay in his hands. That enough gave him tremendous worry pushing him way above his limits.

“I know but if I don’t find a good piece in a month, I can close the firm. Do you know what that means? Hundreds of people losing their job.” Hoseok wasn’t the one to crumble under pressure but now he felt like crying. Suho offered him a smile he’s seen before, the pity smile. Patting his shoulder he gets up at the sound of doors opening ,customers swarming in.

At the end of the day Hoseok thinks everything has turned against him. His laptop dies in the middle of reading, and he discovers he forgot his charger at home. In all the despair and anger he accidentally knocks over the mug spilling coffee over important documents and his newly bought jeans. The stain will probably leave a small burn that he wasn’t ready to face today. He’ll take care of it tomorrow.

On the side Suho observes his restless friend. He felt bad for not being able to help him more, but he already used all his resources and sent them anonymously to his mail only for Hoseok to turn it down.

Sehun walks into the café with his gym in one hand and candy in the other, drops of sweat forming on his forehead. He was waiting for a call from Y/N, prepared to jump into his car at any second. He greets Suho, his sight landing on an exhausted Hoseok bumping his head repeatedly against the table lightly. He hoped to never reach this point of insanity. 

“What’s his problem?”

Suho follows Sehun’s line of sight. Hoseok sits in the booth, forehead rested against the table. Both his mind and body were tired, and the clock was ticking. “He needs to find a good poetry piece to publish otherwise he’s toast.”

In that moment Sehun weights his options. He knew how self-conscious you were about your work thinking it lacked emotion and quality and this seemed like a good opportunity to prove you otherwise. On the other hand, there was the issue with people closely linked with your poems. He takes his time picking between different sugars, steering the coffee slow enough to buy him at least one more minute.

Pushing the bills to Suho he takes a sip. “There is a website called Nora, it had lots of good poetry. I've read some.”

Suho nods following Sehun out of the café promising to deliver the message to Hoseok. Once locked up he slides back into the booth watching Hoseok pack his belongings ready to call it a day. “This costumer told me about Nora site. You should give a shot.”

“Nora?” Hoseok mocks, he heard of all the websites used for writing but Nora didn’t ring a bell.

“I think it’s new. I’ve never heard of it but he seemed sure of his words. The worst that can happen is he lied and knowing Sehun that’s unlikely.”

Hoseok nods eager to go back home to his cat Nobus and prepare himself a warm bath to release the tension built up in his muscles. Waving goodbye to Sehun, he exits the shop from the back door and turns on the engine of his car driving away to the beat of classical music easing him.

Entering his small apartment located in the centre of Seoul, he throws his shoes to the side not bothering for order tonight. Slouching himself on the couch he pets Nobus, the cat bumping his head against his arm purring softly. With eyelids half closed he opens the website on his phone, picking poetry as his preferred category.

Selecting a random writer he opens the first poem, eyes scanning the text.

 I love you             like the habit I picked up in college                  of sleeping through lectures                  or saying I’m sorry                  when I get stopped for speeding             because I drink a glass of water                  in the morning                  and chain-smoke cigarettes                  all through the day             because I take my coffee Black                  and my milk with chocolate             because you keep my feet warm                  though my life a mess I love you             because deep down I know                  you'll never be mine again   (author of the poem: Nikki Giovanni, I added three last sentences)*

With every word that Hoseok took in he felt himself back in university, all drunk on the idea of loving the girl that sat two seats in front of him during microeconomics. He relives the ecstasy of having love running through his veins, he feels the desire under his fingertips for just one touch, he crumbles at the pain of finding her kissing his best friend. Hoseok feels like his heart had been ripped apart with just few simple letters placed in a neat poem.

He sees the words meraki scribbled in a messy handwriting under the poem and he feels as if his prayers have been answered.