#hey remember that post from this morning about ocd and obsessive thinking?

[andromeda3116]

me to myself, currently: other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are other people aren't obsessing over your social mistakes like you are

also me: obviously they have all begun to hate me

[hargrove-mayfields]

hey all! have some very specific headcanons while I procrastinate working on the story I’ve been trying to finish!!!

Steve is obsessed with drinking milk. Pop makes him feel queasy ‘cause of all the sugar and the carbonation, water tastes bad, juice is way too sweet, and he’s allergic to coffee which you can’t really drink that all the time anyways, so he pretty much exclusively drinks milk. Billy is horrified to learn this fact and tries desperately to get his boyfriend to drink something, anything else. The milk craze is finally over when they discover that Steve loves iced tea just as much!

Billy cracks his bones all. of. the. time. It literally doesn’t matters what’s goin on like, they’ll just be sitting there watching tv and Bill will crack his fingers and knuckles one joint at a time, roll his shoulders so they crack, pop his elbows just because. Sometimes he’ll be like, “hey Stevie listen to this!” and like, violently crack his collarbone ten times in a row.

Steve is very allergic to pet dander but he refuses to not have at least one pet at all times once he’s out of his parents house. Billy gets sick of Steve being sick, having migraines every day, constantly being congested and itchy all over, so he talks Steve into getting allergy shots. They discover at the first appointment that Billy isn’t going to be able to come to these things because needles freak him out too much after getting out of the hospital.

In addition to needles they learn overtime that Billy has a lot of post Starcourt phobias and aversions actually. To name a select few, he gets jeeped by spaces that are too open, like empty buildings and fields, anything with too many legs (bugs, crabs, etc), windows, (more specifically, he’s afraid of what he’ll see if he looks out there, especially at night), and storm clouds in the day time.

Billy also becomes extremely superstitious after his stay in the hospital. Things like having to sleep on the right side of the bed so he can get out on the right side every morning, thinking odd numbers are bad luck, which means he won’t do anything important if the last digit on the clock is an odd number, letting the phone ring exactly three times before answering (if it rings four or more it’s just not getting answered), and locking and unlocking every door in the house twice. At first Steve thinks it’s kind of sweet, maybe a little funny because like, his gramma did stuff like that, but it gets a lot more serious when they discover that if Billy doesn’t get to go through the motions of one of those things, he’ll shut down entirely with panic attacks. This was learned the hard way when Steve answered the phone after only one ring because he was already expecting a call from Robin and Billy panicked and yanked the cable out of the phone jack and had an hour long meltdown. Not too long after that he gets diagnosed with OCD.

Steve is a dog person and Billy is a cat person. These are indisputable facts. But they get a cat first because they live in an apartment and they want a yard before they can get a dog, and it’s just easier for Billy to take care of a cat until he’s fully recovered anyways because she’s not gonna be yanking him around on a leash. The cat I imagine for them is a big old orange and white ragdoll named Bunker Buster!

When they do finally move into a house, not quite making the jump to Cali yet but just getting out of their apartment, they get a dog like, immediately. She’s a huge white shepherd, like, werewolf sized, named Little Miss Sunshine!

Billy is yellow-blue color blind! He thought for sure his Camaro was green and never actually realized his triple denim outfits weren’t all matching! Steve is the first person to call him out on his not quite accurate descriptions of colors because let’s face it, when he was learning his colors his parents were too busy fighting to pay attention to him, and he was too afraid of teachers to participate all that much, so it just gets ignored and never addressed until he’s with Steve. His brain feels all jumbled up for months after this discovery because he never knew the way he was classifying what he saw was so not on par with the typical experience.

Steve gets glasses halfway through college because he realizes in the middle of a very important lecture that he can’t see jack. They’re pretty sure the sudden deterioration of his vision has mostly nothing to do with all the head trauma and is just a genetic thing because both of his parents and all of his cousins and aunts and uncles have glasses. He has two pairs just to spice things up, one pair is some super thick, round frames that the lenses make his eyes just a little bigger, and the other is a clear-ish chunky pair for when he doesn’t want to look as much like a nerd. He also gets prescription sunglasses to keep in his car and he basically has to wear them as his third main pair because really, he went twenty something years without having to worry about the things, there’s no way he’s going to remember to put on his glasses every single morning.

Billy never ever showers alone after Starcourt. Hot water is too much like the sauna and cold water is too much like the ice baths and he just can’t stand being by himself. He honestly sort of hates water in general after the fact, rain drops, swimming pools, even the ocean, which makes him kind of depressed.

Steve is a little bit of a hoarder. It’s because of his mom, she used to be really big on collecting stuff for the kitchen, like, they have a few complete Pyrex dish sets (yellow and white gooseberry and butterfly gold, to be specific) and a huge collection of wilton's cake pans, so the habit just sort of rubs off on him. It’s things like snow globes, wall clocks, specifically ones with unusual chimes (they have one that plays Christmas music at the turning of every hour), and fancy trinkets that he gets into ‘collecting.’ This is how he and Billy end up with a disturbingly large porcelain clown collection.

Steve’s favorite icecream flavor is black raspberry, and Billy’s is a solid tie between Superman and chunky monkey! (He claims it’s impossible to choose simply because sometimes he wants chocolate and sometimes he doesn’t but!it’s secretly because of Steve’s nut allergy that sometimes he won’t pick chunky monkey!)

When they move into their forever house in the California suburbs they totally have one of those cement goose statues in their yard that they religiously dress up for the changing seasons/holidays!

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[flowerslightning]

The OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in FF7

This thing actually caught my eyes while reading a few theory about FF7R and the word OCD appear in their certain analysis, in IG, youtube comments and some posts in tumblr too. Dunno why but they always relate Biggs with OCD. I looked back to the scenes where Biggs appear and... Okay, i understand why they thinj Biggs has OCD or perfectionist

A lot of people, including the psych students themselves easily confused with OCD and perfectionist (I got confused by it quite often too). Now, is Biggs OCD or is he just a perfectionist? Let's take a deeper look at it

Biggs is not a famous character. So fans dont really care about him, but I do

Disclaimer : i'm not a psychologist. Im an intern and still studying. Psychiatric is not my major field but i got assigned there as an intern for quite a time and we got exposed a lot about psychology too. We didnt learn them professionally like the real psyche students, we learned (and still under training) through real life experience + a little bit from the books.

So there might be wrong interpretation here and there. Pls correct me if I'm misleading u. And pardon my english. Pls dont use any of these terms to diagnose urself. Remember, I'm a student, not a professional.

I kins of blame the social media for portraying OCD in such a nasty way, when someone with OCD is actually suffering inside.

OCD is not just about 'clean clean, must clean this place till squeaky clean' and OCD is not about being perfectionist. OCD and perfectionist are two different thing.

Perfectionist is more to a demand demeanour, eg "I want the cake to be like this. I want it to be pink. No, not that pink, it must be neon pink with slight purple. Do it again. No, i dont want that pink. Do it again. Ahhh yess, nice pink." Someone with perfectionist, after they got their result, they will immediately bcome calm and satisfied. Perfectionist is obviously different from OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). OCPD falls under Personality Disorder and it is different from OCD. Im not going to talk about that

Credit goes to crazyheadcomics.

Look at how OCD got spoken from the media perspective. It is very much resemble to Biggs, dont u think? In reality, someone with OCD always feel stress about everything around them, and they will find it hard to complete their task.

OCD has two components - Obsessive and Compulsive

| 1. Obsessive. It is a repeating thoughts about something and often occur until it makes someone feel stress about it. Eg, u think that ur hand will get bacteria infection if u touch a chair, door, fridge or when holding someone's hand. This thought always appear in ur mind everytime u touch the door, chair, fridge or somebody's hand, but when u touch ur shoes, u never think about the bacteria (in certain cases, some patients become scare of everything they touch)

| 2. Compulsive. It is a repeating of the same actions to fulfill the 'obsession' in order to reduce the stress acted upon them. Usually the 'action' has a specific ways in which the patient believe he has to do it like this or that way or else he will fail. Eg, after touching the chair, he will immediately wash his hand 10x from left to right. He believes the hand washing wont be effective if he starts from right to left

Another sign of OCD is when someone re-checking the door lock few times. Its normal for us to re-check once/twice the door lock for confirmation, but for people with OCD, they will re-check the door lock for about 6-10 times and still not feel satisfied and later they stress out. And also the OCD people, they tend to get annoyed when something is not in particular order and they will immediately fix it eventhough they know they're wrong.

I met a funny woman at the hosp arranging our students' books according to its thickness, when I asked her why did she arranged our books like that,

She replied : "Doctor said I have CDO"

Me : "Sorry, CDO? Never heard of it"

She : "It is actually OCD but I feel so stress hearing that term so I put it in alphabetical order. CDO, much better"

We both had a good laugh. Her case was not serious though, but she was feeling miserable with her thoughts and decided to meet a psychiatrist. I would say she was still in early stage for someone with OCD, but may lead to severe if left untreated

It is really hard to satisfy and convince someone with OCD and they always feel stress about something they shouldnt care too much about. U can say OCD is a fastidious type, and they're actually more than that

If we want to relate this condition with Bigg's case., urmm. The only time where I can spot him being different than the other characters is when he's busy sweeping his front house and when he pat Cloud's head during the Sector 7 plate fall.

The cleaning stuff isnt exactly weird thing for a human to do. But it is something odd, I mean, he just finished his mission with Jessie and survived a jump from the plate, and yet he still have the energy to sweep dry leaves, AT NIGHT! He can wait till tomorrow though and should get himself a proper rest.

Wedge says Biggs has a habit of overthinking stuff

And there we see Biggs sweeping the dry leaves. It might be because he is trying to distract himself from doing his bad habit - overthinking. But urm , i think there'll be higher chance for someone to overthink when doing house chore like Biggs is doing. This is where lots of people say Biggs cleaning the house at night is bcause he has OCD or he's a perfectionist.

But I dont think thats the case. For real, he is completely normal. No sign of him acting weird in that scene. If he really does have OCD or he's a perfectionist, we'll see more of him arguing with Barret about unnecessary stuff. He cant become one of Avalanche's strongest member (not exactly strong, but hey, he's trustworthy). Also, if u notice, Biggs have one earring on his right ear. Someone with OCD will feel irritated by it bcause his ear doesnt look 'balance'. OCD people, even in mild case, they want everything about them to be balance and in good order.

After trying to understand Biggs way of thinking and style through his short screentime, I strongly believe this guy has no such thing as OCD or being a perfectionist. Biggs just cares tooooo much about his friends, he thinks 10 times ahead from the bigger picture in which it frightens him about the bad consequences that will occur to people he cherish.

He is the type that always have a back up plan in his mind. He thinks of 5 possible bad things and comes out with 10 solutions. That's the power of an overthinker like Biggs I'll tell ya

Biggs probably cleaning his front house area at night bcause the next early morning, he will need to leave his house for the bombing mission. Better take care of things the night before the big day. He can ditch the cleaning work but he wont do it, not bcause he's a perfectionist/OCD, but try to imagine this, if ur front house is full with dry leaves and rubbish, it will be unpleasant for the neighbours next to ur house to see. Living in the slum means higher chance for u to get sick if u dont take care of ur surrounding hygiene. Biggs is a kind man, and I believe he doesnt want to upset his neighbours

He probably has overthink this matter like "If i dont do this now, I probably dont have time for doing it tomorrow. Maybe I'll broke my leg from the mission and this trash will be left untouched, then there'll be high chance for the children around here to get sick. What if they get infectious disease bcause of this dry leaves? And then the parents will be worried and the Sector 7 Slum will be in chaos etc etc. Time for plan A. Let's clean this place"

Besides, remember the post where I mentioned about Mental Health First Aid? Biggs, as the side character gives the best MFA to Cloud even without knowing what Cloud had gone through. Biggs is just toooo kind with his friends, he cares too much causing him to overthinks about his friends conditions. He can notice even the slightest change in his friend's behaviour and with his own instinct, he cheers for them

Aww man, how can u not love his personality? He's the sweetest side character ever (and kinda hot too).

Soo as the conclusion for my post here, Biggs does not have OCD. He's a side character with a big heart who cares tooooooo deeply about his friends that leads him to overthink too much.

However, if the devs say Biggs really has OCD then my statement about him will be invalid. I'm sure they have put everything in a very close detail look.

Btw, I personally think Biggs kind of portrays the other small side of Cloud, the overthinking part for their romantic partner. But Biggs express his worry through words while Cloud express it through his actions, eg - like how he always keep an eye on Tifa. He never speak it directly like "I'm worry about Tifa, I must help her", he just simply be with her either she needs a help or not. While Biggs clearly says "Jessie been acting weird, I should go if she needs any - help -"

Action speaks louder than words but sometimes our eyes failed to listen.

Alright, that's it. Thanks for being with me till the end.

[getlostinsidemycrazymind]

Hey!

Leave me alone

Pain is stricken

Handle business not a joke, yeah

Manners missing, travel different

No control, yeah, time to listen

Time to zip it, keep it closed

My description, highly gifted

Take some notes, yeah, lack of interest

Why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah, I'm kinda twisted

So keep your distance, be a ghost

Yeah see I'm inventive, but quite the menace

You ain't know? Well then I'm offended

Let's track your memories, here we go

I went from nobody to kinda famous

Hide my plaques inside the closet I just can't explain it

My wife, she tells me that she's proud and I should hang 'em

But I just leave them on the group right next to my self-hatred

Yeah, yeah, mental health, where's my mental health?

Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well gather around

That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about

That means I might take a normal thought and think it's so profound (Leave me alone)

[?] feel a loser full of doubts

Do the same things, if I don't I'm overwhelmed

Thoughts are pacing, they go round and round and round

It's so draining, let's move onto something else, fine

I'm in the game but they don't even know it

I'm undercover and know when to blow it

Come out of nowhere they don't even notice

Flow is so cold you would think it is snowing

I'm under the weather the wind isn't blowing

Got an umbrella for difficult moments

You gotta admit it, I'm very devoted

[?] so ayy

Hold up my balloons and cover up my face

I can feel them weighing on me every day

I should let 'em go and watch them float away

But I'm scared if I do then I'll be more afraid

Tell them how I feel but I don't want to change

Tell them how I feel but they remain the same

Loosen up my grip they say that's not ok

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Wooh, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

I hate when they debate if we're underrated

We're so overlooked that they're looking over our numbers Nathan

We don't do enough interviews or go out in public lately

We don't post enough on our socials to keep the buzz from fading

Let it fade, yeah, let it fade

Once it's decimated then you drop a song out of nowhere then all the fans embrace it

Then the buzz will surface again, it's part of my operation

I don't need advice from my doubts right now end of conversation

Shut your mouth, yeah, shut your mouth

Better tone it down, close it now

If you make a sound, I'ma change your dial

Funny how? They be acting loud

Coming [?] now, floatin' round

Man the kid is loud, pretty wild, true

I [?] phony but don't really show it

Keep it together by having this order

I go to my room and sit in my corner and talk to myself in a language that's foreign

[?] around, I have to record it

But I know if I don't I wake up in the morning and question my life

And get [?] avoid it

I hate to be different, I hate to be normal so hey

Hold up my balloons and cover up my face

I can feel them weighing on me every day

I should let 'em go and watch them float away

But I'm scared if I do then I'll be more afraid

Tell them how I feel but I don't want to change

Tell them how I feel but they remain the same

Loosen up my grip they say that's not ok

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Wooh, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Remember back in "NO NAME" I said fame called?

Told you I hung up it kinda felt wrong (Leave me alone)

I finally called him back, we didn't talk long

He asked me how I'd been he sent me this song (Leave me alone)

Yeah think he took offense, he kinda seemed off

I texted him that night to ask what he thought (Leave me alone)

It took a couple days to get a response

But once he finally did he said this song sucks (Leave me alone)

Feel the symptoms, couldn't miss 'em, wrestle with 'em

Then I penny flip them, bounce 'em back up nowhere, you should get some

Who you dissin'? Move the switch and don't come in the kitchen

You should listen, cookin' records for my hands are blistering

So persistent, don't forget this, hold the tension, soul is bending

No pretending, open ending, low percentage, whole dimantage

[?] senses, flow tremendous, no [?], no incentive

So intensive, so possessive, too aggressive, watch your step when I

Hold up my balloons and cover up my face

I can feel them weighing on me every day

I should let 'em go and watch them float away

But I'm scared if I do then I'll be more afraid

Leave me alone, leave me alone, yeah, yeah, yeah

Leave me alone, leave me alone, yeah, yeah, yeah

Leave me alone, leave me alone, yeah, leave me alone

Leave me alone, leave me alone, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Wooh, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Wooh, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

[mandeebobandee]

I said I’d write a post with my experience with mental illness and here it is. I put it off for a while because I wasn’t sure how personal I wanted to get, or if anyone would be interested, but hey. It’s been bouncing around in my head for a long time, and if this helps me or anyone who might come across it, I suppose it’s worth it. I’m going to put a read more here so that this doesn’t kill people’s dashes, since I have a feeling this is going to end up being long and rambly, but...here we go.

I’m not actually sure when my first symptoms showed up. It’s possible that I had some form of mental illness almost as far back as I can remember? I remember being in preschool and having a fear of wetting my pants for an entire day, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get the thought out of my mind. In first grade, I remember being seized by a fear that I would start swearing at the top of my lungs in the middle of class. I didn’t, but it popped into my head, and that felt bad enough. A couple of times in 2nd/3rd grade, I had difficulty falling asleep because I couldn’t stop worrying about trying to get to sleep, and I would keep repeatedly counting out how many hours of sleep I would get if I fell asleep right then, and if it would be ‘enough sleep’.

So yeah. I always was a worrywart, it seems like.

I feel like I should note that I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through 2nd grade. I should also note that I’m fairly certain my experiences with religion shaped some of my first experiences with mental illness. This is not to say anything against anyone who is religious - I respect you and your faith. However, certain things I learned through religion...didn’t exactly help me, with how my mind worked.

In Catholic school, confession is a thing. You go in front of a priest and tell him your sins, and he gives you a way to seek penance for it. Usually repeating a certain prayer a certain number of times, or something along those lines. I dunno, it’s been a LONG time since I’ve actually done it. I’m agnostic now, so I don’t exactly go to church.

The reason I bring this up? 

My experiences when I was younger MAY have qualified as mental illness. I’m not 100% certain. What began near the end of 3rd grade? There is NO doubt about that.

It was Good Friday 1998. I was 8, soon to be 9. The reason I brought up my religious background is this - a religion related discussion precipitated my heardfirst dive into obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m pretty sure the comment was relatively harmless in hindsight, my mom making a comment about how Jesus died for our sins or something like that. All I know is that I suddenly found myself besieged by an overwhelming guilt as I thought about everything ‘bad’ I’d done in my life. Saying bad words, sneaking candy when I was 4 years old, all of it kept jumping to the forefront of my mind, and I felt like I had to confess it all to my parents as it came to my mind. I’m not sure how long this lasted...probably only a couple of weeks, honestly, but it wasn’t fun.

Also, the weirdest things became concerns of mine at that point. I had to make certain not to stick my middle finger out too far, or else I was afraid that I’d accidentally flip someone off, which I knew was bad. I didn’t want to say words like ‘wash it’ because...well, the end of the word wash combined with the word it sounded like ‘shit’ and ‘oh no bad word!’.

...I hate to say it, but this was only the beginning.

My mom and I were praying at one point at night when a really bad thought popped into my head. I was terrified, because what if it came true because I thought it while I was praying? And I didn’t really want to talk about it with anyone, because it was so horrible that I didn’t want anyone to know about it.

This continued for much of fourth grade. I was afraid I would hurt my mother. I didn’t actually want to, of course - I recognize now that these were what are known as intrusive thoughts, but there aren’t many nine year olds who know that now, let alone in the late 90s when I was experiencing all of this.

I recall being afraid to even touch knives, if that tells you anything.

I would also pray. By this point I recognized that what I was doing was ‘weird’, so I found ways to hide what I was doing. I would go into a room by myself and go through my routine, or I would do my daily ‘prayer’ in the shower.

...here’s why this was an issue.

I wasn’t just saying a quick prayer. I had an entire script memorized, that had to be said exactly the right way or I’d have to repeat it all over again. And it wasn’t a quick script either. And I often WOULD have to repeat it all over again. I recall at least one point where my parents actually made a comment about how long I spent in the shower, and the water grew cold with how long I spent in there. I didn’t tell them why, because I knew it was weird

That particular phase reached a boiling point one night when I was watching The Lion King. Here, I feel I should note that The Lion King was my favorite movie when I was younger. It came out when I was 5 years old, and I was Simba for Halloween in kindergarten. I had Simba and Nala stuffed animals, a Simba windbreaker with matching pants (yes, windbreaker..it was the 90s, okay?) that I took my school picture in, a Lion King casette tape, Lion King sheets on my bed...

You get the picture.

I bawled my eyes out during that movie, and while yes, I did often cry at certain scenes in that movie, for obvious reasons...this was different. This was almost hysterical crying, and my parents knew there was something wrong. They managed to finally coax me to admit my fears, and that seeing Simba accused of what happened to Mufasa in that movie was...well, it was a little too close for comfort.

Talking to my parents helped. I still had worries, of course, but my next big flare up didn’t happen until 5th grade.

Once again, the thing that set it off should have been something that didn’t affect me. It wouldn’t affect most people. 

A girl in my gym class cut her knee on one of those rolly scooters that you’d sit on and roll around on in gym class. Obviously not the greatest thing, but you wouldn’t think it would be something that would set someone off...would you?

Ahahaha. Yeaaaaaaaaah right.

To preface, some of this was due to ignorance on my part. I was 10, I didn’t know the details as to how the disease I was so afraid of was transmitted. I only knew that you could get it from blood, and there was blood on the floor in gym class. So then I started worrying that I might have gotten it on my shoes. Then, that anything my shoes touched could have gotten something on them. Then my clothes. Then...

You, uh, get the picture.

I was afraid that anything I touched would give me AIDS. X_X Again, I KNOW now that it doesn’t work that way. I also know that even with other diseases, those pathogens eventually DIE outside of the body, so you don’t have to worry about your shoes being contaminated with the same virus two weeks later. But, again, I was 10. I actually learned shortly after this the truth of how AIDS is spread.

Anyway, this was one of the points where my OCD was most stereotypical. I washed my hands constantly. Obviously my parents noticed, and they tried to poke and prod into WHY I was doing this. Once again, my shame and fear and recognizing that what I was doing was ‘weird’ led me to hide the truth to some extent. We’d watched Johnny Tremaine in class and my dad mentioned that after he watched that movie he’d been afraid that his hand would get disfigured like one of the characters’ in the movie’s hands did. So I claimed that I feared something similar, and that was why I was washing my hands.

I’m pretty sure, looking back, that he probably didn’t buy that.

6th grade came. My mom had surgery. My best friend had diabetes. Neither of these were their fault, of course, but both I’m fairly certain had an impact on my already anxious mind. I started worrying that I would develop diabetes like my friend had. Now, I was old enough at this point to understand that diabetes wasn’t contagious, so at least I wasn’t worried about contracting it from my friend. I was, however, afraid of contracting other diseases, so...yep, the hand washing continued. We also happened to have this lovely book of illnesses from the 80s that my parents bought with an encyclopedia set way back that I spent way too much time reading. Actually, reading that became one of my compulsions. There was an entry that I would read through every night before I went to bed. The same entry.

My mom wound up in the hospital with chest pains a couple of weeks after surgery. They sent her home with a diagnosis of acid reflux. It was 2 in the morning and they took me to a side room to see if I could get some sleep. I couldn’t. We were learning about the plague of all things and I couldn’t get the idea that plague bacteria could be lurking anywhere in that room out of my head, so...yep. Didn’t get to sleep until they released my mom out of the ER at 6 or 7 in the morning.

I started fearing heart attacks around this point. I would literally feel for my heartbeat several times a day, just to make sure my heart was still beating. 

Christmas that year was...stressful. My mom was still recovering from her surgery, there was family drama, my uncle’s girlfriend had a possible diagnosis of TB so everyone was paranoid of being around him because of THAT, my dad’s side of the family insisted on smoking despite the fact that being around smoke made me feel blah...

Still, that was a walk in the park compared to New Years.

We were invited to a neighbor’s New Years Eve party. Everything was fine until I walked in the door.

I still don’t entirely know how to describe the feeling that came over me. 11-year-old me summed it up as ‘I feel like I’m going to pass out’. I tried to continue as if everything was normal. I didn’t want to disrupt the party. The neighbor’s toddler daughter, who liked showing off for the ‘big kid’, wanted to show me a dance or something that she’d learned.

The feeling didn’t go away. I told my mom I wanted to go home, that I still felt like I was going to pass out.

We made it back home. I remember pleading with my mom to take me to the doctor, because I was honestly afraid there was something seriously wrong with me. The feeling eventually abated, but not without my discovering something quite interesting.

Remember that childhood illnesses book? When I read it, I usually stuck to certain communicable diseases that I was concerned about, or things like the diabetes that my best friend struggled with. My mom was looking through the book trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and started reading a definition that stood out to me. I don’t recall what all it said, and we no longer have that book (as it would be over 30 years old at this point). One thing I do recall was that she read something along the lines of ‘feeling like you’re going crazy or dying’.

It was under the heading of ‘panic attack’.

That New Years was the only New Years I can ever recall NOT staying up until or past midnight.

I ended up getting a fever a few days later, and in the midst of my fever, my delirious mind pounced on my fears and kept asking me ‘what if you really do want to hurt somebody?’ I was shaking uncontrollably, not realizing that I had chills and a fever, and ran into my mom’s room sobbing and telling her I thought I was going crazy. She felt my forehead and told me I was burning up.

You can understand why, when it was time to return back to school after Christmas break, I was uneasy as my mom pulled up to the curb to drop me off. I was afraid that I’d get a headache, or that I’d feel like I was going to pass out again, or any of the multiple things that seemed to be wrong with me recently. Of course, I had to pull up my big girl panties and still go to school, but...I started to become afraid to do things, out of fear that they would ‘set me off’, that something like what happened at that New Years Eve party would happen again.

And it did.

Not right away, of course. I didn’t walk into school and have it happen right away. It happened once in gym class. It happened at a school party. It happened when my parents were driving.

It happened twice in one day, at the beginning of 7th grade. To be fair, though, there were special circumstances that day. One instance was precipitated by a mental picture in my head of a plane crashing into our school, if that gives you some idea. Needless to say, even the adults seemed confused and panicky that day, and given how I was already..yeah, it wasn’t any surprise that 9/11 left me particularly frazzled. 

The summer between 9th grade and 10th grade was quite possibly the worst. I spent hours doing my various ‘rituals’ that I had to do each day. By this time, I was already getting involved with online fandoms, and every day before I could actually posted what I wanted to on the Harry Potter forum I was on, I had to post certain posts over and over again. By this point, I more than suspected I had OCD.

I actually mentioned it to someone on the board, who pretty much laughed and said. ‘You don’t have it. If you had it, it would be noticeable’.

...like it wasn’t? Did they think I was posting the same thing over and over again for fun? I was doing rituals until 1 and 2 in the morning for pete’s sake.

This was honestly the pattern off and on through high school. 11th grade was particularly awkward, as it began to affect my grades. Certain readings in American Lit would give me ‘weird feelings’, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish the assignments for them for that reason. 

The summer between 11th and 12th grade was when things hit a head. I developed a thing for straightening shelves in stores, and my dad was poking fun at me doing it at one point. I love my dad, but he can be particularly harsh when he teases, and by that point I was already in a bad position.

I burst into tears in the middle of Walmart. Not one of my proudest moments.

That said...it gave me the impetus to finally go to my parents about what was wrong. I knew I’d needed therapy for a few years prior to this point, I’d just never worked up the courage to talk to them about it.

The first part of the conversation actually went how I feared. My parents thought it was like the diseases I looked up as a child and would come into their room telling them I feared I’d get it (...ironically, I did that BECAUSE of this disorder, but moving on). 

I left the room crying and began to write out my experience year after year, much as I did here (though probably not quite as eloquently...I was 17 at the time, after all). Once my parents read THAT, they finally realized how much this was impacting my life, and agreed to take me to the doctor.

Not only that, but they confessed that they did similar things. Now both of them admit to having OCD to some extent, and it’s pretty darn obvious that much of my family struggles with anxiety and/or OCD...on both sides.

Sad thing is? It took until the millennials (me and my cousin on my dad’s side) and Gen Z (a cousin on my mom’s side) before anyone actually sought help for any of this. X_X 

I’m not going to pretend that I went to therapy and things magically got better. Therapy did help. I stopped therapy when I was 19, because my therapist was about to have a baby. I never went back to see her after that, figuring I was doing better at that point.

Of course, the ensuing decade after that was full of ups and downs.

2016 is probably when things began to get extra difficult again. I began to experience tremors. I would get dizzy/have palpitations. My doctor sent me to see a cardiologist and a neurologist.

They ran their tests, determined there was nothing physically wrong with me. The tremors, dizziness, and palpitations were new manifestations of my anxiety. At some point (not 100% sure when), I also gained a diagnosis of GAD.

Last year, I finally began to see a therapist yet again (the 2017-2018 flu season scared me particularly badly, and I still have a paranoia because of it), and started a new medication. Has everything gotten completely better?

No, but it has improved some from where it was prior to that point. I’m still working on it, and I’ll probably be working on it in some way, shape, or form for my entire life.

But hey, at least I can be more open about it now. And I know that I’m not alone, and that makes a huge difference as well <3

[rhettakins]

Leave Me Alone

Hey!

Leave me alone (Leave me alone)

Painic-stricken, handle business, not a joke, yeah

Manners missin', travel different, no control, yeah

Time to listen, time to zip it, keep it closed

My description, highly gifted, take some notes, yeah

Lack of interest, why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah

I'm kinda twisted, so keep your distance, be a ghost

Yeah, see I'm inventive, but quite the menace, you ain't know?

Well then I'm offended, let's jog your memories, here we go, yeah

I went from nobody to kinda famous

Hide my plaques inside the closet, I just can't explain it

My wife, she tells me that she's proud and thinks that I should hang 'em

But I just leave 'em on the ground right next to my self-hatred

Yeah, yeah, mental health, where's my mental health?

Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well, gather 'round

That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about

That means I might take a normal thought and think it's so profound (Leave me alone)

Ruminating, filled balloons full of doubts

Do the same things, if I don't, I'm overwhelmed (Leave me alone)

Thoughts are pacing, they go 'round and 'round and 'round

It's so draining, let's move onto something else, fine (Leave me alone)

I'm in the game, but they don't even know it

Like I'm undercover and don't want to blow it

I come out of nowhere, they don't even notice

The flow is so cold, you would think it was snowing (Leave me alone)

I'm under the weather, but wind isn't blowin'

I got an umbrella for difficult moments

You got to admit it, I'm very devoted

I'm out in the ring, but they don't always help me, so I...

Hold up my balloons and cover up my face

I can feel them weighing on me every day

I should let 'em go and watch 'em float away

But I'm scared if I do, then I'll be more afraid (More afriad)

Tell them how I feel, but they don't want to change (They don't wanna change)

Tell them how I feel, but they remain the same

Loosen up my grip, they say that's not okay

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

Woo, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

I hate when they debate if we're underrated

We're so overlooked that they're looking over our numbers, Nathan (Leave me alone)

We don't do enough interviews or go out in public lately

We don't post enough on our socials

To keep the buzz from fading (Leave me alone)

Let it fade, yeah, let it fade

Once it's decimated, then you drop a song out of nowhere

And all the fans embrace it (Leave me alone)

Then the buzz will surface again, it's part of my operation

I don't need advice from my doubts right now

End of conversation (Leave me alone)

Shut your mouth, yeah, shut your mouth

Better tone it down, close it now

If you make a sound, I'ma change your dial (Leave me alone)

Funny how they be acting loud, comin' on it now

It's floating 'round

Man, the kid is wild, pretty wild, true (Leave me alone)

I'm kinda phony but don't really show it

I keep it together, but have a disorder

I go to my room and I sit in my corner

And talk to myself in a language that's foreign (Leave me alone)

I think of a rhyme and I have to record it

But know if I don't, I'll wake up in the morning

And question my life again, always avoiding

I hate to be different, but hate to be normal, so I... (Leave me alone)

Hold up my balloons and cover up my face

I can feel them weighing on me every day

I should let 'em go and watch 'em float away

But I'm scared if I do, then I'll be more afraid

Tell them how I feel, but they don't want to change

Tell them how I feel, but they remain the same

Loosen up my grip, they say that's not okay

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

Woo, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

Remember back in "NO NAME, " I said fame called?

Told you I hung up, it kinda felt wrong (Wrong, leave me alone)

Finally called him back, we didn't talk long

He asked me how I'd been, I sent him this song (Wrong, Leave me alone)

Yeah, think he took offense, he kinda seemed off

I texted him that night to ask what he thought (Leave me alone, wrong)

It took a couple days to get a response

But once I finally did, he said this song sucks (Leave me alone)

Here are the symptoms, couldn't miss 'em, wrestle with 'em

Then I penny flip 'em, bounce 'em back up nowhere, you should get some

Who you dissin'? Move the switch and don't come in the kitchen

You should listen, cookin' records for my hands are blistering

So persistent, don't forget this, hold the tension, soul is bending

No pretending, open ended, low percentage, so demented (Leave me alone)

Whole consensus, flow tremendous, no apprentice, no incentive

Show intensive, so possessive, tone aggressive, watch your step when I (Leave me alone)

Hold up my balloons and cover up my face (Up my face)

I can feel them weighing on me every day (Yeah, every day)

I should let 'em go and watch them float away (Yeah, float away)

But I'm scared if I do then I'll be more afraid

Leave me alone (Yeah), leave me alone (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Leave me alone, leave me alone (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Leave me alone, leave me alone (Yeah, leave me alone)

Leave me alone, leave me alone, ayy, leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

Woo, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

Ayy, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Yeah), leave me alone!

Woo, yeah

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, ayy (Leave me alone)

[romanssippycup]

Hey!

This is my 2,000 post! Because of that I’m gonna share with you guys around 50 useless facts about myself! :D

1. The first fandom I was ever in was Kirby.

2. I visited the other side of the world (London) before I visited the other side of my state. (Washington State).

3. I am mainly right-handed, but teaching myself to do things with my left-hand. I’m almost ambidextrous.

4. I can imitate a fire alarm almost perfectly.

5. I despise painting my toenails and nails.

6. I’m double jointed in my pinkies, knees, and thumbs.

7. I’ve never been a bridesmaid, only a flower girl...three times to be exact. Yes I’m salty. :(

8. I have a horrifically large fear of fire and high speeds.

9. I’m hypoglycemic. I can eat anything I want and have it not effect me. Been between 95-115 pounds for about 12 years of my life and counting. I’m always hungry.

10. I have a nothing box. Litterally, I’ll stare off into space for hours without thinking about anything.

11. My favorite mythical beast is a manticore and has been for years. (One of the biggest reasons why I liked “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?”)

12. If I have to say or even think about a clothing brand my mouth goes numb, because I feel as if I’m putting that fabric in my mouth.

13. I never understood why people dip fries in Frosties(tm) at Wendy’s. It’s disgusting???

14. Yes I like pineapple on pizza, but dislike Grapefruit, green peppers, or almost any other vegetable (yes I know grapefruit isn’t a vegetable) on my pizza. I love mushrooms though.

15. I am an avid corn lover. I love corn. I agree with Roman’s last point “And corn...to eat.”

16. I drink ketchup like Logan eat’s Crofter’s.

17. I can wield nunchucks.

18. I’ll be honest, I am a master of deceit. Take that how you will.

19. I’ve had two hamsters, dragon fish, 7 guppies, 14 gold fish, three dogs, 5 sucker fish, and 1 cat as pets in my life time. Oh...also three spiders. But they were just passing through, made their web, they weren’t bothering me so I let em stay and named em. I’m serious when I say this. Their names were Over There, Under There, and Down There. Yes I named them in respect to their current location at the time. I liked to feed them ants and flies.

20. I used to say “Well frankly...” a lot. My friend got so fed up, that one time she actually slapped me with whatever was in her hand at the time. Coincidentally, yes...it was a raw hot dog. I never said it again afterwards.

21. I pet Jumping spiders. They are the cutest spiders to walk the planet...well that and peacock spiders.

22, I have over 3,000 pokemon cards. Been collecting since 2009.

23. I hate wearing leggings and tights. I’d only ever wear them if my hypothetical significant other told me I’d look good in them, even then I wouldn’t be too happy.

24. I get hooked on little dinky app games so easily.

25. I still like Minecraft.

26. I am still terrible at coloring.

27. I liked my stomach rubbed.

28. I have weak lungs and respiratory system but strong metabolism system.

29. My tonsils are really tiny. I also have an extra wisdom tooth.

30. I can listen to the same song over and over without getting annoyed. My record is 12 hours and the song was Megalovania.

31. I dislike anime, but love the songs and vocaloid. I can practically sing like Hatsune Miku, or Luka even!

32. Became an actual Fander June 10th of last year.

33. I love math, reading, and writing. I despise history.

34. I am very clumsy and drop everything.

35. I loved playing the villain when me and my friends did pretend games when we were younger.

36. I’m technically a Slytherclaw, but I wanted Slytherin.

37. Love being a little shit when people least expect it.

38. My alignment is mostly Chaotic good or neutral.

39. I have three fidgit cubes.

40. I was allergic to dairy and eggs until I was 16. I lived for 16 long years on special food and gluten free stuff. My excitement was beyond the expected when they found out I wasn’t.

41. Was a sheltered, home-school, Christian white-girl until high school. Thank god I’m not anymore.

42. I’ve swallowed a quarter before. I was bored in church, put money in my mouth, and swallowed it. I still remember the horrified feeling when I realized that I did that.

43. Everyone in my family wants me to be a teacher. Hell no.

44. I am very hairy for a girl, but I love that I am.

45. I love women. All women are dear to me. Oh yeah I’m gay, but you all knew that.

46. I have unhealthy obsession with all things cheesy.

47. I’m in college studying to be an Analytical Chemist with a Mathematics minor.

48. I have asperger’s, Bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and Skitsifrantia.

49. I get hurt in any situation. People have been trying to protect me from uncommon occurrences forever, but it never works.

50. I have the entire Sander’s Sides series memorized now. I am not sorry for stating that. XD

There ya go! Hopefully you know me uncomfortably better now! Love y’all!

[simplyrali]

Hope Chapter 4 (Jameron fanfiction)

Chapter 4

When Cameron woke the next morning, the spot next to her on the bed was empty. She ran her hand through the pillow, inhaled deeply and blinked a few times. Cam pulled her covers higher, it was the beginning of the autumn and in the mornings the air was chill.

She got up, ran her hands through her locks and checked the weather outside through the window. Yes, it was sunny, but the warmth that the sun rays provided was almost nonexistent, and windy. Cam put her blanket around her shoulders and with bare feet stepped out of the bedroom.

Joe had always been an early riser. Maybe he went for a morning run?

Her whole kitchen smelled like heaven. He, God bless him, had made her coffee. After the wine last night it really was a pleasant surprise and something that she desperately needed. When she got to it it was already cold but that didn’t matter. Cam took a sip.

Sweet, just like she liked it. He remembered.

Last night… Memories flooded back. She smiled and then took a big gulp of her mug.

It was a great morning indeed.

Cameron heard some rustling outside. She opened the front door and there he was.

Joe sat on one of her chairs on the deck, sipping from his coffee, glasses on the bridge of his nose, and reading newspaper. Every now and then he lifted his head and stared into the distance, just admiring the view.

Cam crossed the threshold, closed the door behind her and leaned against it. That got his attention and he looked at her. Her eyes looked so big, her cheeks were rosy and hair still a mess after their lovemaking.

Both smiled.

“What the hell are you doing outside? It’s freezing out here.” Cam said, pulling closer her blanked.

“Good morning to you, too,” Joe closed his newspaper and took off his classes. “How did you sleep?”

“Well, we didn’t sleep much, did we?” she laughed.

“No, I guess we did not.” He grinned.

Joe pulled the other chair closer and motioned for her to sit down.

“You know, I forgot how pretty it was out here.” He took her left hand and intertwined their fingers together. His eyes feasted on all the green and light around them.

“Just wait a few more weeks. In the autumn everything here turns a thousand shades of yellow, red and orange. The whole damn horizon becomes golden.”

Joe looked in her eyes, what she said finally sinking it.

Destiny.

“Golden horizon, huh?” he chuckled. Soon the chuckle turned into full laughter, his shoulders shaking with the motion. He brought their linked hands to his lips and kissed hers gently, his eyes sparkling.

“What’s so funny?” Cam asked, amused by his sudden behavior.

“Nothing. Just some time ago I received a sign from above that I didn’t expect to be quite so… literal.”

“Okay…” Cameron gave him a look that spoke volumes, she thought he completely lost it.

Maybe he did, maybe he really was crazy. Believing in things in tarot cards and searching for meaning where there’s probably none, sometimes made him question his own sanity.

But that faith brought him hope.

She brought him back here.    

Joe got up and pulled her for a quick kiss.

“Let’s get inside, your hands are cold.”  

“So what exactly do you do at Phoenix?” Joe asked while chewing his steak.

He and Cam were having lunch in the kitchen. Both were sitting face to face on her small wooden table. Underneath it their feet were touching.

“Well, we’ve created an AI game. But it’s not just a game, it’s a whole world,” she put down her utensils and started explaining using her hands as she usually did when she got excited. “You register online, choose a character, customize it however you want – you can change not only his appearance, but give him qualities, talents or certain habits. Then he can meet and live with all these other characters, which are created by other people. It’s like in real life, they create relationships, make decisions and face the consequences afterwards. But, you see, it’s not just the players making choices, the character, based on what characteristics you’ve given him, can make his own decisions or… changes in the environment can push him in certain direction and he creates memories and tries to learn from his mistakes and… And the player sometimes just has to catch up, to adapt… ” Cameron finished a little out of breath.

“Wow, that’s amazing. So… it’s self-learning?” he seemed intrigued.

“Yeah, pretty cool, huh?” she smiled proudly.

“But you’re just using it in games right now, right? Can you imagine what difference it could make if you make the algorithm compatible with robotics or it can be used in medicine and if you could do that then - ”

“Whoa, okay, Joe, we’re not going there.” Cameron furrowed her eyebrows and started to get up.

“Where? We’re just talking…” he looked confused.

“Yeah, it always starts like that and then you start pushing and…” she shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, the point is, I like where I’m now and I’m happy with it. ”

“But AI –” Joe tried.

“Is awesome and, yes, it could be more. But I like creating that, I like the company that I have and I like the people that I work with. I don’t want it to be more, at least not for now.”

He was quiet for a few seconds.

“You’re right. This is your thing, I won’t mess with it.” Joe lowered his head.

She loudly exhaled and then closed the distance between them with a few steps.

“Look I like hearing your opinion, I really do,” she sat in his lap with arms around his neck. “I just don’t want us to make the same mistakes over and over again. We know how this ends.”

Joe nodded. He understood but he couldn’t help it. He always liked technology, it was in his blood, and all these possibilities of what it can do and what it can become excited him.

Technology was the future.

Cameron kissed him on the cheek trying to distract him.

“What about you?” she whispered against his ear.

“Huh?”

“Work. You left Armonk and your job as a teacher there. What are you going to do now? ” She got up and went to the sink to fill herself a glass of water.

“I thought I could try at the University of San Francisco. I liked teaching but I think I’d like my students to be a little bit older. You know, not driven so much by hormones…” he laughed.

“That’s great. With your rich history in tech business I’m sure they’d accept you without a second thought. With a little luck you can be in Haley’s classes.”

“She’s amazing, isn’t she? She’ll run Silicon Valley one day.” He smiled.

“I know, right? You should see her latest project. It’s… next level. She’s years ahead from where I was at her age. I guess that is to be expected with both her parents being geniuses and all…”

“She’s precious little thing, she and Joanie both. I wish she just took some things easier, you know… who she is.”

“That she’s gay? Everybody already knows,” Cam laughed. “The big conversation never really happened, everyone just felt it, you know, some mutual understanding. Last Christmas she brought a girl, Lily, but they broke up pretty fast.”

“Lily, huh, she wrote me about her. She never mentioned bringing her home though…”Joe got up and started putting the dishes in the sink. When he finished he got the sponge in one hand and…

“Joe, what are you doing?” Cameron put her hands on her waist and raised an eyebrow.

“Doing the dishes?” he answered uncertainly.

“No, just… no. Put them in the dishwasher.”

“I don’t see what the problem is. I like doing them –“

“The problem is your obsession with the way they should be washed. It drove me nuts how you watched me in the hands every fucking time I did the dishes. Always looking over my shoulder.”

“Obsession? It’s not obsession, it’s just when you move the sponge in clockwise motion - ”

“Put. Them. In. The dishwasher. ”  

“- the grease doesn’t spread and it protects the top layer of the utensil.”

“You’re an OCD freak, you know. Just put them in the dishwasher,  relax and spend more time with me.” She tried with more gentle approach.

He turned completely towards her. They had to have that conversation sooner or later.

Sooner it was.

“Fine, but you’ll put earphones every time you work and won’t blast music through the entire house.” He stood his ground.

She rolled her eyes.

“First of all, my music is cool. Second, it’s not that loud…”

“You’re loud! Everything you do is loud! Put earphones!” He insisted and crossed his arms.

“Fine! Jesus… ”

“And the right side of the bed is mine.” Joe continued.

“Are you serious, Joe?  I sleep there, that’s where the window is.”

“It’s more comfortable for me since I turn to sleep on my left side.”

“Okay, I guess if you piss me off I’ll just open the window in the middle of the night and hope for the best! I have one condition though, you won’t put that ugly painting in our bedroom again.” She crossed her arms too not willing to back down.

“That’s art.” His lips were pursed in a straight line.

“It’s just three ugly black lines that cross. That’s it.”

“Okay, fine! I’ll put it in my office!”

“Great!”

“Great!”

Both were staring at each other, a little pissed and out of breath it the moment, but glad that they had this out of the way.

“Maybe we should have done this the first time.” Joe laughed.

“Yeah, that would have saved us a lot of nerves,” Cameron agreed. “Hey, Joe. I know we’re different and it won’t be easy but let’s really try this time. You piss me off but I still love you.” She went, put her hands around his waist and buried her head in his shoulder as he held her.

“I love you too, Cam.” He said and kissed the top of her head.

“Great, now turn on that dishwasher and let’s go for a hike.”

Chapter 5 --- >> https://simplyrali.tumblr.com/post/167831911590/hope-chapter-5-jameron-fanfiction

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: Wonder-Ful

Masterpost

4x21: Wonder-Ful

Oh, hey, it’s the Steve Wonder tribute episode.  And now that I think of it - it’s been a while since we’ve had any kind of tribute episode.  Anyway - after what feels like forever, the really nice thing about this episode is that Kurt’s story really starts to get moving again.  And it really doesn’t get put on pause again through the rest of the series.  And that’s kind of nice. 

Also interestingly - we’re at the end of season 4.  And I’ve seen a lot of commentary on how a lot of season 4 and 5 seem to be one big season.  I can see that - and yet, at the same time I think there are some definite tonal shifts between the two seasons.  And I actually think that starts here.  

There’s a lot about season 4 that’s dark, especially in the first half of the season.  But for some reason, there’s a drabness to the season, especially on the New York side.  And then starting here - because Ryan Murphy is an odd duckling and becomes obsessed with things like the color orange -- the show gets a new light, and becomes bright and colorful and cracky again.  And I find that interesting that it comes after an episode called Lights Out.  Like we turned out the lights and turned them back on to this much happier and brighter place.  

Maybe the whole Shooting Star-Sweet Dreams-Lights Out stuff was meant to do that? Maybe not.  I don’t really know.  But what I do know is that tonally, this episode and the next feel more like they belong with season 5 even if they are wrapping up this season and even if the beginning of season 5 feels like an ending to this season.  There are no clear cut lines anymore. 

Coming Home

First of all -- let’s talk about the fact that Kurt has a Men of McKinley calendar.  How do you think he got that? My thought is Tina, tbh. 

So, Kurt’s packing to go back home -- my guess is that it’s spring break.  (Based on the fact that Rachel is taking a midterm, this sounds about right.)  And Burt’s going in for a check-up on the cancer.  Kurt is - understandably - very anxious about the whole thing.  He’s a kid who has already lost one parent, and the thought of losing the other one is unfathomable.  But on top of that - Kurt and Burt have grown pretty close in the past few years, which would make the whole thing even more devastating.  

I don’t think the development of OCD characteristics is completely out of nowhere.  Kurt is a guy who, even like he says in this voice over, likes to be in control.  And his dad having cancer is not something he can control.  So the OCD manifests out of the anxiety.  And, Kurt’s always been a particular person - it does make sense that he’d be even more so when under stress.  

I feel like this opening sequence is important to understand Kurt’s state of mind.  It’s clear how anxious and nervous and scared Kurt is about his dad’s health.  And in the privacy of his own home, while alone, he shows it openly.  But when he gets back to Lima, he’s much more collected and confident - the Kurt that the outside world is used to seeing.  

Coming back to Lima means he gets to see everyone else, too.  Which means Blaine.  Cause - c’mon.  Is he really there to see Artie or Tina or the Newbies? I mean really? 

Kurt says it feels weird to see Blaine again - and he isn’t quite sure what he’s feeling.  Well, I’m gonna quote @flamingmuse​ from her post here - cause I think she articulates what’s going on far better than I can, I think it’s exactly what’s going on: 

“See, I don’t think Kurt does know how he feels about Blaine.  His anger and pain have subsided, but he doesn’t feel the same way he used to.  He doesn’t have that fluttery, giddy, young love, first love kind of feeling in his stomach.  His heart doesn’t leap, his palms don’t sweat, his breath doesn’t catch just to see him.  It’s not hard to look at Blaine anymore, but it’s not the same bubbly joy-filled experience, either.

Yet he looks at Blaine and is at peace.  He is comfortable again, more trusting, more willing to let his guard down.  He lets Blaine hold his hand, he links arms with him, he looks right into his eyes, he talks to him openly, he can even have sex with him without becoming the lovestruck, overwhelmed boy he used to be.  He doesn’t know what that is. He doesn’t know what that means.  All he knows is that it doesn’t hurt and it isn’t the same.  It doesn’t feel like what it was like to be in love before.

He’s only experienced that first flush of love before, and he doesn’t know that all of this is love, too.  He doesn’t know that if he lets Blaine in again he’ll remember how to catch fire and flirt and all of that but that it’ll be different now, more mature, a bit more weathered.

Kurt isn’t sure what he feels, because he doesn’t know that what he feels is a much more adult love.”

And I think this speaks to everything that goes on around this episode - and this time period.  It’s a transitioning period - away from the pain of the break up, but also away from that young love feeling.  Kurt (and Blaine) are growing up.  And they still have a lot of learning to do, but we’re entering new territory here. 

Kurt also is grateful he won’t be alone that week.  He doesn’t just have Blaine -- but Mercedes and Mike are back, too.  And Kurtcedes is definitely not dead as Kurt lights up when he hugs her.  After all these years - Kurt has a firm support system, and it’s really nice to see. 

I’m bypassing a lot of what’s going on in the choir room scene -- because Will’s back to teaching, and he’s already annoying me.  Kurt takes on an old role as he spouts some of the exposition - explaining that Mercedes is back in town because she’s shooting a video for a possible record deal, and he also shuts Kitty down, which I don’t fully know how I feel about because I don’t think Kitty needs to be taken down.  But - you know, last time Kurt and Kitty interacted, Kitty was whining about her ice latte being too cold, so I can see where it came from.   

Meanwhile, Tina’s upset that Mercedes and Mike have been called in to help the Glee club.  And she asks if Kurt’s back to help them with their fashion choices, to which Kurt deadpans that his dad has cancer.  The best part is Blaine’s reaction - which is basically a ‘shut up Tina’ moment.  

Dirty Cute

So - they’re back in the Lima Bean, which now has considerably better lighting, lol.  And Blaine’s all excited about gay marriage.  Hm.  Wonder why?  It’s nearing the end of the year, and Blaine’s finally getting to think about his future - going off to college, going to New York, the possibility of getting married.  Yay - exciting times.  But Kurt - Kurt’s settled on the present, on the reality that he has to face over his dad’s health.  It’s funny - it’s like a reversal of the previous year - where Kurt was in the clouds about the future, and Blaine was more concerned about the present. 

Anyway - the dirty cute line.  Oh, Blaine, you are so awkward some times, and it’s adorable.  Kurt says in his opening monologue that he’s not hooking up with Blaine this time.  And I took that to mean that they’re not doing the whole ‘let’s be friends casual hook up’ thing anymore.  But also, Kurt’s not in the right headspace at the moment.  Yeah, he rolls his eyes a little at Blaine’s flirtatious comment.  It’s not unwelcome, but it’s not just the right time, because Kurt’s got heavier things on his mind.  

So - there’s a lot going on in this scene. While Mercedes joyfully bubbling about her album, Kurt is rearranging the sugar packets into little piles.  And it’s something Blaine picks up on, because he knows Kurt - and this is not normal Kurt. ��(And Kurt is excited for Mercedes and her future prospects, even if he is distracted a bit himself.) 

And then Mercedes asks what’s going on between Kurt and Blaine - cause she was at the wedding, and knew what was going down.  We don’t actually get a Kurt reaction shot, but Blaine chimes in stating that they’re friends and that’s cool.  Which is what Kurt’s standard line was from back in I Do.  They might be talking again, but they haven’t had /that/ conversation yet - and Blaine knows not to push it - especially right now.  

But Blaine also knows the ‘just friends’ thing is also not exactly correct.  And in this scene, and in this episode, Kurt is acting differently around Blaine.  He’s relaxed around Blaine - more so than he was, even, in I Do.  That strange, awkward tension that’s been with them in the past isn’t there so much anymore. They’re in sync again - I mean, just look at how they react to Mike when he suggests changing Mercedes’s lyrics.  The dynamic’s changing - not so much back to what it was, but moving forward together again. 

Mike brings up the whole Tina thing with Blaine, and that’s when Kurt kind of loses it.  Cause that’s trivial compared to what he’s going through.  Mercedes reassures him - she holds his hand and tells him it’s going to be okay.  And Blaine holds his hand as well -- and silently reassures him, in that secret language they have going.  It’s a sweet little moment of (re)connection between the two of them. 

Superstition

Okay - so there are really only two things I’d like to point out about this scene/performance - 

1. This song is from Mercedes to Kurt - basically showering him with optimism and is her way of letting him know everything’s going to be fine. 

2. Kurt and Blaine are dancing together again, and it’s cute.  Kurt looks like he’s having a good time pretty much throughout the whole song. 

Also - something I noticed doing this but this scene must take place in the morning - he goes to his dad’s appointment - and then sings to his dad later that afternoon.  Because Kurt’s wearing the same outfit in all three of those scenes.  Well then... 

In Remission

Well - Carole’s probably the strongest person in that office.  Kurt’s pacing and freaking out about Burt’s wardrobe choices - cause dark blue is close to black and black means death and no.  And Burt’s having a hard enough time without Kurt freaking out on him.  It’s probably a very rare thing for Burt to yell - but it’s a release of the stress more than it is actual anger.  

So the doctor comes in and basically recounts what’s been going on.  Interesting to note that Kurt says his dad has completely changed his diet.  I’m guessing that even from New York - Kurt played a role in getting his dad to be healthy again.  I mean, we’ve seen first hand how Kurt has taken care of his dad, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kurt was on the phone nearly every day making sure things were going smoothly.  

So - the doctor says that the cancer is in remission, and we all sigh a breath of relief as Glee doesn’t take everyone’s favorite adult character from us. 

Meanwhile, it’s loving hugs all around as they all celebrate.  And Burt exclaims that he wasn’t done living yet - as there’s so much to do.  He’d like to see Kurt get married and have kids.  (Foreshadowing? Yes - that’s foreshadowing.  I’m of mind the writers knew exactly where they were going with the story.)  And have old people sex with Carole - to which Kurt is like ‘oh god’ amidst his happy tears.  But Burt learns again - that it’s all about living in the moment.  

And for Kurt - this is a huge, huge weight off his shoulders.  His dad isn’t going anywhere.  He’s so happy and relieved.  His foundation is pretty solid.    And because of that - he can turn his attention to other things... 

But first -- Kurt would like to celebrate by singing a song to his dad, one that his dad used to sing to him when he was a kid.  

He also mentions that he’d like to celebrate one of life’s greatest gifts - a second chance.  And the camera pans to Blaine.  I feel like they’re trying to tell us something ;) 

While not a favorite Kurt solo - it’s adorable and sweet and Kurt does sound good on it.  The choreography is a little ridiculous - but I can almost imagine a little Kurt coming up with all the dance movies a long time ago.  And the whole point is that it’s a lot of fun - and that Burt just loves it.  

(Man - I wish I had more to say about the number, but I just don’t.  The lyrics are pretty straight forward - as it’s a song about how much Kurt loves his dad.  And...that’s about it.  Ah well.) 

It’s a good day for Kurt :) 

Mercedes

Man - it’s almost like season 3 Kurt is back with that hat. Maybe that’s the point? Maybe Kurt’s feeling like his old self again? 

Anyway - he’s bopping along and having fun while Mike and Jake do their thing.  And he seems happy. Man - when was the last time Kurt seemed happy (other than when watching old sitcoms with Santana).  

We get into Mercedes’s subplot here - about how the record producers want her to look a certain way that she’s not comfortable with.  And the fact that image means more than content in show business -- which is a good conversation to have, really.  And Kurt (and Mike) are supportive and indignant on her behalf.  And it’s nice to see Kurt get to help out someone who isn’t Rachel.  

But importantly - while they’re friendship is rare and pretty much background these days - Kurt and Mercedes are still very good friends, and every interaction they have points to that in this episode.  They’re supportive of each other, and they have each other’s backs - and it’s really nice to see.  

Ah man the hoopla over this moment at the time.  No, Kurt’s not blowing anyone kisses.  But he is saying ‘what’s up’ to Blaine.  Yay!

Anyway - Mercedes is gonna do her own record instead of comply to the producer’s demands.  And she has Mike and Kurt passing out Mercedes’s CD (which, wow, did they burn those all last night or something?) - and Mercedes is gonna try to make it out on her own.  Which is crazy hard but admirable.  

And then Mercedes sings Higher Ground - and Kurt’s adorable again bopping along to her song.  I kinda love by the end he’s wearing her jacket.  They’re both so adorable. 

Marriage

Alright - so this scene doesn’t have Kurt in it - but I feel like it’s important to cover.  Basically - Blaine asks Burt for permission to ask Kurt to marry him.  And Burt thinks he’s crazy.  

A couple quick things first -- Burt thinks of Blaine a family.  Burt pretty much already sees Blaine as a son-in-law.  And we get a little mention of Burt in congress -- and that his main campaign is gay rights.  Whoo! 

So - here’s my thing about this marriage stuff.  Out in the real world - no, I don’t think teenagers should be getting married.  I think being that young - there are still a lot of things that you need to learn and go through.  However, I do know people from my own high school who got married and are still married.  I don’t think it’s impossible either.  

Do I think Blaine’s being impulsive? Yes -- I think after the school shooting stuff, and wanting to prove his commitment to Kurt, he’s trying to secure his future in the only way he knows how.  And I get that.  Do I think it’s the worst choice in the world? No - because this isn’t the real world - and Klaine’s story, even as it changes into a more adult love story, is still (and always) a fairy tale.  And marriage and happily ever after is a part of that.  

Burt, meanwhile, has some interesting advice to give out, too.  For one - he points out that you should get married because you love the person, not because you love an idea.  And right now, yeah, Blaine might be a little preoccupied with the idea.  (Though I don’t doubt that they both love each other for who they are.)  He also points out that being married is hard - and it’s a sentiment that will be echoed in season 5.  Big time.  It’s something, interestingly, that Klaine gets to deal with a lot in the last third of season 5.  

And then Burt tells Blaine that he should trust that their love will carry them through what ever hard times.  That they’ll be able to work things through without the need of giant crazy proposals.  I’m not sure if this is good advice or not.  I’m not sure if this is what Blaine needed to hear (it’s definitely not what he wanted to hear).  But this whole scene I don’t think was for Blaine.  I think it was for the audience, to reassure us that the writers are going to give us endgame Klaine.  And we should trust in the narrative.  

But also - I’d like to point out that Burt knows his kid.  And he knows that Kurt still loves Blaine.  And even though this whole thing is happening pretty fast - he knows how the story ends.  Just like we do. 

What a Wonderful Life

Kurt doesn’t really do anything here but sit on that stool and listen, and that was going to be that...  

But then Artie gives an impassioned speech about passion - and I thought it was super interesting. 

Artie: And passion can be a scary thing but we shouldn’t run or hide from it because passion is wonderful, yo. 

Idk - it just felt relevant ;) 

(Omg - the Cassie/Rachel scene after this still feels like the opening of a porno or something.  What even? Rachel: Ms. July, I’ve never been so nervous in my life.  <------ actual thing Rachel says.) 

Ah man - this is one of my favorite little moments from season 4.  Blaine’s wants to ask Kurt something, and yeah, he gets pretty cute when he’s nervous.  Also - note that Blaine says it’s gonna take some courage to ask Kurt something.  Probably a deliberate use of the word courage ;) 

I’m not sure what Blaine wanted to originally ask - but it probably wasn’t about regionals.  But, yeah, he wants Kurt to stick around longer - cause, you know, it’s Kurt.  And Kurt, after all the stuff with his dad is behind him, after he’s finally in a good place about /them/ - is pretty open to whatever Blaine is asking.  And he’s rather surprised when it isn’t something more than just sticking around for regionals.  He’s probably waiting for Blaine to ask him out on a date - or maybe something more.  

And here’s the thing - Kurt’s ready.  He’s in a place where getting back together with Blaine is back on the table.  He loves Blaine, he does know that.  And they’ve seemed to have worked out some of their shit - even if we really haven’t seen it on screen.  And he’s back to a being in a good place in life, so why not take a chance and let Blaine in again? 

Well - Kurt says yes to sticking around for regionals - even though he had already planned to.  And he does seem surprised, and maybe ever so slightly disappointed that Blaine doesn’t ask him more.  He tells Blaine that he should know that Kurt would have said yes.  And I feel like the subtext is a bit more - like if you ask me out Blaine - I’m going to say yes.  

And then they walk out together arms looped together - and Kurt’s grinning.  They have one of my favorite exchanges. 

Kurt: What a wonderful, wonderful week. Blaine: With you in it, a wonderful life. 

And then they change clothes for this performance (Artie did say to meet back at the auditorium at 4) because Ryan Murphy has become obsessed with the color orange (and yellow apparently).  

Omg - how happy Kurt is during this song.  And he and Blaine exchange this giddy look while the lyrics sing out: “I’m not alone anymore”

What do you guys think - they had a quick-y before coming to join the rest of the group? I would not rule that out as a possibility. 

I think Klaine’s back on, ya’ll.  ;) 

[come-join-themurder]

Obsessive - Part 19

The Reader and Juice finally slept together, but someone could sink the boat before it ever makes it off the dock... (This will be multi parts so check back for my next installment. As always, if you want to be notified of my updates just let me know and I will message you when I post new chapters) **Disclaimer: I do not suffer from OCD so I cannot begin to imagine what it is like. Any and everything that I am writing is what I’ve learned from people I know and the internet as well as asking advice from friends who know more about it than me. If anything is wrong or inaccurate of someone with OCD, please excuse my ignorance, as I said I am asking questions to help with the descriptions but I’m sure I will get something wrong eventually.

Juice Ortiz x Reader

(GIF isn’t mine)

____________________________

A knock on your front door woke you up and you began to sit up when you realized you were being held against the mattress by a pair of tattooed arms. You chuckled when you felt lips on your neck, and rolled over to face the handsome man in the bed with you. “G’morning,” he mumbled, his hand rubbing his eye as he woke up, “I’ll get it, it’s probably Hap and the prospects.” Juice stood up and walked out of your bedroom and you watched from the bed as he disappeared out of sight. You pulled yourself up to a sitting position in the bed, remembering that you fell asleep without any bottoms on. You stood up quickly and grabbed your pajama pants off of the floor at the foot of the bed, jumping back on the bed trying to look as if you were groggy when you heard Happy’s voice from the front door, “I’ve needed to piss since 6am,” you heard him rasp as Juice answered the door. “Why didn’t you piss in the bushes?” Juice questioned, laughing. “Neighbors were watching me like hawks, peeking out their windows all night. I don’t think they like us being here. Dude why are you only wearing boxers?” Oh shit, you thought, he’s gonna figure it out. “I, uh, I was just about to shower when you knocked,” Juice was quick on his toes and you’d never been happier that you hooked up with someone intelligent. The last thing you needed was Happy telling your dad you and Juice hooked up. You breathed a sigh of relief from your bed as you heard Happy’s boots on the carpet coming towards your room and you grabbed your phone, pretending to be interested in something on the screen as he walked in. He made a bee line for your restroom. “Good morning, Happy,” you spoke as he passed by, not even glancing in your direction. He didn’t bother to close the door or try to be discrete as he stood before the toilet, you weren’t trying to see anything but the idea that he just plain didn’t care if you did shocked you and you blushed as you looked down. Sure you’d seen your fair share of penises out in the open at the clubhouse, and Happy’s had been one of them, but there was a difference between being there and being in your own home. The toilet flushed and you looked up as he turned to walk back out into the room, “I’m taking you to work today so wear something you can ride in,” his voice was authoritative and you didn’t dare tell him no, even though you really didn’t feel like having helmet hair today, so you just nodded in response.

Suddenly you noticed that he wasn’t looking at you anymore, his eyes were fixed on a spot on the floor. Anxiety was coursing through your body before you ever followed his gaze because you knew what he was staring at. Last night replayed in your head. Juice had tossed the condom box onto the floor and Happy just spotted it. You jumped up from the bed, tossing the comforter on the floor at your feet to cover the item on the rug as you stood, praying he didn’t ask any questions. With the comforter now blocking his sight, Happy lifted his head to look at you, his jaw twitching as he furrowed he eyebrows at you, waiting for you to say something. “Well, I uh, I gotta get changed,” you cleared your throat, “I’ll come outside when I’m ready.” Happy’s expression turned from grim to amused as your reaction confirmed what he had already suspected, one eyebrow cocked as a subtle smile pulled at the corners of his mouth and he nodded to you. “Don’t take too long,” he rasped as he stepped out into the hall. You fell back on the bed, sighing heavily and covering your face with your hands, your cheeks turning ripe red as Happy’s knowing smirk etched into your brain. He was going to tell your dad and Clay would kill Juice before you ever had a chance to enjoy your time with him or establish a relationship with him.

Right on cue, Juice came traipsing back in, halting at the doorway when he saw you in your frustrated state.

“Hey what’s wrong?” he asked, walking over to you and sitting on the bed beside you, staring at you intently while he waited for you to answer him. “Pick up the comforter and you’ll see,” you groaned. He looked at you like you had grown an extra head, but he obliged, leaning down and grabbing it to pick it up. Instantly he felt sick to his stomach as he gulped in fear, he knew why you were having a meltdown and he was about to have one too, plopping down on the bed beside you and mirroring your pose, hands covering his face as he groaned frustratedly. “I’ll go talk to Happy,” Juice sighed, sitting up as you lifted yourself to a seated position beside him. “Maybe I should talk to him?” you suggested, thinking maybe the pleas of a woman would channel his baser instincts to protect you or something. “Good idea, you do it,” Juice spouted a little too eagerly and you turned to look at him, an amused grin on your face, “You pussy…” you joked, nudging him with your elbow. “That’s funny I don’t remember hearing you saying that last night,” he had that shit-eating grin on his face that you loved so much and you leaned into him, capturing his lips in a kiss as you stood, shrugging off your night clothes and tossing on jeans in a tee shirt all while Juice watched from his position on the bed. You turned around to face Juice as you pulled on your boots. “I’ll see you this afternoon?” you asked, leaning closer to his face and he licked his lips as he stared into your eyes, “Mhmm,” he nodded, taking your face in his hands and kissing you deeply, his tongue diving into your mouth as he pulled you down on top of him and you laughed, “I have to go,” you chuckled, pulling away from him and standing up, straightening out your clothes. “See ya later,” he called to you as you walked out to face Happy.

[glammerstudioco]

The Ugly Truth: All About My Life

The Ugly Truth: All About My Life

 Kristina Adleina Fowler

Hey Dolls, my name is Kristina Adleina and I want to welcome you to my Blog, this is my first unofficial post for my Blog and today I am going to get into my personal backstory and why I decided to start a blog in the first place.

I am hoping that by sharing my life story that it can help anyone, in any way of their lives. Also, I want to be as authentic and transparent with my readers. So, let’s get into this “All About Me” article.

All About Me

Now it’s time for me to share my story and get real with you for a minute, so, let’s state the obvious here my names Kristina Adleina Fowler and I’m 29, living in Sudbury, Ontario Canada. Sudbury is a decent place to live and grow up, it’s like a bunch of little towns all connected together, it’s beautiful with that small town to feel but it’s really nothing for me to write home about. I’ve always wanted to leave here for some time now, I feel like I’ve just outgrown it all and all the people that are in it.

One day I will leave to travel the world to do makeup and to share my talents with everyone. But for now, I will keep doing Makeup, grow my Business and make Blogging my thang. So, enough about that and let’s get into who I am. Well, I am quite a unique character, I am that type A person who always needs things a certain way and meticulous about everything thing I do, very much a perfectionist. I am that take charge GirlBoss, where everything needs to be in my control but I when it is, it always turns out the bomb.

But, I am also very funny and humorous and always making everyone laugh no matter what I look like. I am also a huge geeky-silly type of chick with a hot exterior. But, I am very genuine, empathetic, generous, kind-hearted and authentic. But I will not take any crap from anyone. I love to help others and I love, love, love to make people look beautiful with my magical makeup skills. Makeup & Makeup Artistry is my number one passion and I love to sprinkle my makeup fairy dust and make everyone look beautiful and feel confident about themselves. I am very much all about empowering women and standing together as a united front because there is power in numbers and each woman is out there doing her thang and they deserve to be empowered just as much as the next lady.

Me & My Family

Now let’s get into my family, I have a son named Ryder who is now 7 and a half, he’s getting so big very quickly. Ryder is my everything and my life if I didn’t have his big ocean blue eyes, his sandy blonde curly hair and his big funny smile looking at me every morning I don’t think I would get out of bed, what would be the point? He’s changed my life so much and has made me a better person, I am very thankful for him and I love him more and more every day. Ryder’s like most 7-year-olds, full of energy, always on the go, dislikes school, all he wants to do is play hockey and hang out with mom and dad.

Ryder’s dad, Troy is amazing with him and they love each other so much it’s crazy, almost makes me a bit jealous. I was with Troy for over 10 years and we have not been together for a while now, but we are still very close to Ryder and he will always be a part of my family. My mom, Debbie and my dad, Dave were together for about 10 years as well and they got married and had me than my little sister, Kori-Lynn who is 26 now.

My mom and I are a lot alike and we look like twins, we are so much alike that we often butt heads on things in life like parenting, but if I didn’t have my mother I don’t know where I would be. She’s always been that tough love type but always there whenever we needed her no matter what, she’s a lot like my papa (her dad) who is now passed but he was my best friend in life and still is in spirit. My sister Kori has 2 kids of her own my niece and nephew Kiara and Daylan.

My mom then remarried to my stepdad Andy and had my little brother who is 12 years younger than me, Seth who is 18 now. My dad also remarried to my stepmom Angela who already had a son, Brandon and then they had my little sister, Kansas. Which Kansas, Kiara, Ryder, and Daylan are all a year and a half apart which is funny cause Kansas is their Aunt, but they don’t see it that way. My family is huge, this is just my immediate family which doesn’t include all aunts, uncles, and cousins but I am super close with my mom’s side and they have always been there for me through everything.

Who is Kristina?

Kristina is an empowered female who has been through and seen a lot in only 30 years. But those occurrences in my life have made me full of strength, knowledge, and power. I will never let anything hold me back again because there have been so many things that have held me back and I will no longer allow anything to hold me back again.

I am humbled by my life experiences and I am extremely eager to right my wrongs. I want to give anyone that has or is now on the same road, that I was once on, someone to relate to, someone to get advice from and a platform as a resource for anything they may need in life and business. I am also a very passionate and caring woman, there are so many things that I want to do with my life that I know can and will benefit others in many ways and I know that I will always strive to accomplish as much as I possibly can.

Throughout everything within my long journey, it has brought me to realize that life is to short and it can literally be over in an instant. I want to do nothing more than to live for today and to make every moment count.

Fighting Mental Health & Addiction Issues

Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty details, I want to mention that I do suffer from Mental Health and Addiction issues. I am not ashamed to speak about it or any part of my life, I want to be open and honest with everything because I know that it can help someone from hearing my story and maybe inspire them to do something great with their lives.

That alone is something that brings me much happiness, I want to be able to help as many people as possible with these issues and having this blog will allow me to do just that. And this is all I truly want to do.

My Diagnosis

Of course, the obvious question is what exactly do you suffer from? Personally, I suffer from “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” also known as GAD, which is characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things and affects 6.8 million adults in the U.S alone. (Anxiety and Depression Association of America)

Also, “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” aka OCD, it is made up of two parts obsessions and compulsions, you might have one or both of these symptoms that cause a lot of distress. Obsessions are unwanted and repetitive thoughts, urges and images that don’t go away and cause a lot of anxiety. Compulsions are actions meant to reduce anxiety caused by obsessions and would experience distress if they can not complete the compulsions. (Canadian Mental Health Association)

Substance Abuse Disorder aka (SAD) Addiction is a complex disease of the brain and body that involves the compulsive use of one or more substances despite serious health and social consequences. Addiction disrupts regions of the brain that are responsible for reward, motivation, learning, judgment, and memory. It damages various body systems as well as families, relationships, schools, workplaces, and neighborhoods. (National Centre of Addiction and Substance Abuse)

I have officially diagnosed about 4 years ago now from my Psychiatrist at CMHA and I was prescribed a bunch of medication to relieve me from my symptoms, along with a bunch of work to do on myself, various programs and counseling. It was only then that I realized how serious the issue was and figuring out what I was going to do to fix it.

My Personal Experiences

Now it’s time for me to share my personal experience with Mental Health and Addiction. This path in life that was given to me might have been a shitty hand but I can say I had a great childhood and I was an amazing kid growing up, but there were early signs of the OCD and the anxiety. They weren’t extreme symptoms, basically I needed to have to have everything a certain way, in a particular way and order, I had to have my hair pulled back ever so tightly so there were no “bumps in my hair” most adults would have cried from the hair pulling but I sat there every day and needed it or else I was fit to be tied.

I remember and still to this day I never did like longer socks anything that past my ankles I felt restricted and I just wasn’t having it, my clothing had to be a smooth cotton material and I never wore jeans always matching tracksuits and everything from my hair ties, to socks and shoes were always matching and I had a different suit for every day of the week and always wore each suit on that exact day of the week. I had my “babies” that were cotton fabric bears and there were three of them and to fall asleep I would have them on my face and twist my finger around the ear and tickle my face with it. Now, I had to be about 3 years old here and I remember this stuff as clear as day because it was these things that carried through to my teenage and adult years but things got different of course.

Like needing to shower twice a day and having to be so clean each time that there was literally never any hot water left for no one else and then there 4 other people who are showering on that same tank. But it wasn’t until I was 18 that I began to use hard drugs, OxyContin and fentanyl were my drugs of choice and of course, I partied before with booze and weed and experimented with other drugs. But it was when I began to use prescription pain medication that my entire life had changed with just a few pills. Things began to fall quickly out of my control and before too long drugs were my end all and be all, it was my breakfast, lunch, and supper and it was the only thing that ever understood me.

The power of these drugs grab a hold of you and completely change your identity, so much so that you can’t even look in the mirror at your reflection. They take hold of your body, mind, and soul, you become so physically dependant on using them that when you don’t have the drugs you are sick like the worst flu known to mankind times 100. They slowly begin to deteriorate your mind and your body and everyone you care about in your life want nothing to do with the person you have become, with the lying, stealing and doing anything to chase your next high.

After dealing with this type of behavior for on and off over a period of 10 years, knowing that your still lucky enough to be here on this earth. You might get clean and continue to relapse continuously because there’s no book on the right way of doing things. But it’s a hard fight and I had always wanted it no matter how many times I continued to fall back, I never wanted to go back to that life. But something was pulling me there and I know the devil was one of those things, but being through this experience and learning everything I know now had kept me there to learn so I can assist other people on the same path as myself.

Overcoming It All

So what can you do to overcome Dual Diagnosis such as these? There are many things I have tried to do and achieve over these 10 years of pain, horror, and anguish like this. I had quit on my own many times, cold turkey and I would self-medicate with weed and Ativan to subdue the pain and anxiety I would be feeling.

I had gone on methadone for a short period, went to church, went into counseling, and many other programs just like it and I had gone on suboxone for about 4 years without the consult of a doctor. After almost 10 years of not ever quite figuring it out yet I had gone in to see a Psychiatrists at our local CAMH after going through months and weeks of painstaking devastation, continuous crying and feeling like I am losing my mind and my ex-fiancé bringing me to the hospital the crisis intervention centre because he was truly scared and wasn’t sure what was going on with me.

After seen my Doctor I had started my first round of antidepressants “Cipralex” and at first they don’t kick in right away, but after a while, some of the symptoms began to clear up and for a while, I was doing good and not using. But unfortunately that all didn’t last, once everything fell apart I had decided to go on Methadone and to take it very seriously and to switch medications. The Doctor ended up weaning me off Cipralex and onto Trintellix, which is more for anxiety and OCD symptoms but still an antidepressant.

Then I started out on Methadone and the day I started on the program was the last day that I had used drugs. Now, it took time to get used to the program and needed to be there every morning and adjusting doses so that you feel normal. After 2 months of being on the program, I was eligible to start getting my carries, which is your drinks you get to bring home for the week.

After 2 months I had my full carries, so I had my life back and everything was going great with my new medication and there were no issues at all. Since then it has been well over 3 years and that first summer I had started college, I was speaking at mental health and addiction engagements telling my story, I started back up doing Makeup Artistry and I started my own little business doing makeup and much more. There have been many things I have been able to do in these 3 plus years and I am making up for lost time.

With so much time on my hands and doing makeup I felt like I finally had a purpose on this earth and starting my business gave me that purpose.

My Love for Beauty

My ultimate passion in life is to make others feel beautiful with the power of my talent as an artist, to give the gift of self-confidence and to use the knowledge of my words to help heal their soul. I have always been in love with all things beauty and makeup for literally as long as I can remember. It has always given me that extra boost of confidence when I wasn’t feeling the most secure with myself and it has always allowed me to express myself, however, I wanted to.

I was 17 when I started working in a legit beauty salon, I learned all the tricks of the trade and its essentially were I truly did fall in love with all things beauty.

History as an Artist

But I must let you in on a secret, from the time I was 12 I wanted to be a hairdresser and makeup artist. I always loved everything about beauty, the way it made me feel about myself and the connection between you and your client for lack of a better word. My Aunt was a hairdresser, I was always fascinated by everything that she did and it was always a dream to open my own salon one day.

I can remember when I was 13, heading into high school I started dying and cutting my own hair, there was a heck of a lot of trial and error, but after a few years of tragic hair misfortunes, I basically nailed it every time. As the years went on I would go into the local hairdressing school about 5 times within a short period of time and by the time I was done working at the beauty salon I knew that being a hairdresser was off the table for me. I focused in on what came more natural to me and that was Makeup Artistry & Esthetics, they had taught me everything I needed to know while working and doing my high school co-op program and I ran with it from there.

I was doing it from my home and traveling and I had all these plans for this luxurious beauty salon, my mind and heart were set for many years to come. Going through everything with my addiction and mental health issues wasn’t something that was always easy to focus on when it came with the future but, this was still my dream throughout it all. When I did get clean over 3 years ago within the first year I decided to go to College and change my profession into something that I can get a degree in that I can help others with mental health and addiction issues, so I enrolled in the Child and Youth Care Practitioner Program.

Honestly, I did so amazing in the program I was on the Dean’s Honour Roll and I was throwing out 90-100% all the time and it was all based around mental health and how to assist children and families struggling with various issues. But after my 4th semester I just felt like this wasn’t going to fill my cup every day working for children’s aid society and after my ex-fiancé went to jail while we were together I was just done with everything so, I left. But it was back to Makeup that finally pulled me out of that dark phase and it really helped me to put my focus into starting my own Makeup Artist Business.

Everything about all those situations seemed to be all for a reason now that I think back on it all and its lead me to here today and I don’t regret any of it.

Starting A Business

As I just mentioned, starting a Business sort of just happened and it wasn’t something that I really planned on doing so soon. When I began doing makeup again I just figured I’d freelance for now and continue with my business when everything’s planned out as it should be. My girlfriend Angel and I ended up hooking up since high school, she had mentioned to me that if I needed anyone to do hair while I do makeup that she would be my girl.

So, not that long after I had one of my biggest gigs since I decided to do makeup again, we would be traveling a few hours to do makeup and hair on set for a magazine photoshoot and everything seemed to just fall into place from there. We started doing both makeup and hair services for weddings, events, graduations, photo shoots and all kinds of special occasions.

I was working with some direct sales companies as well and during a party we held we ending up meeting Alanah who wanted to sell beauty products and wanted to learn how to do makeup and hairstyling, it seemed like a fit so we went ahead with teaching her the ins and outs of the trade. As we had more hands on deck we decided to expand by doing our own photoshoots with models and photographers to hopefully create great content for magazines and hold our own events.

That summer we tested it out and held maybe 5 of our own events and it was really fun, something I could see myself doing but it was a lot of work to do everything plus what I was already doing and it just didn’t seem like anyone else was truly invested in any of it.

Also doing the whole direct sale cosmetics gig was not a fit what so ever, they wanted me to be the owner/operator of my territory with no previous experience, no one under me I was to start from square one and they basically helped with nothing so I had to make a choice. Anyways, with all these new changes I had to make many of my own changes as well, so I basically decided to distance myself from everything and everyone, then to continue to do what I was doing when I first started out, so I would do makeup, hairstyling, esthetics and do makeup lessons as well.

Then I wanted to get in with technology and the way of the internet so I decided to start my own blog but I was going to do absolutely everything myself. I learned everything from start to finish and as I went along, designed my entire site and took as many courses as I could. Now here I am writing my first post, with so much to say and still so much more to learn.

My Future Business Endeavors

As you might expect, as a blogger there are many options and many roads you can take on the internet. But I do have a game plan and I know things can change, but I want to continue blogging of course, then I will be creating course content for my own online makeup academy.

I will also produce content for a YouTube channel, I would love to write a book about makeup artistry and even about my personal story, I’d love to create my own cosmetics brand and create a great influencer roll for my readers. For my service based business at home, I plan on building a beauty bus, a huge studio with my cosmetics store inside and with makeup, esthetics, hairstyling and lash/brow bar. I will also have my own makeup academy attached to it all.

Right now I have my studio and office in my basement and I have all my travel equipment to go on set and to work at weddings and such, but I obviously want more. This summer I am starting a business mentoring program so that I can do my business plan and apply for grants and business loans so I can begin to expand my business goals.

But for right now I want to focus on blogging and all of my online business endeavors and I hope to grow this team to bring all of you and my future readers amazing content to learn and to be more knowledgeable on many topics.

But I must let you in on a secret, this is all just small paragraphs on each topic within my life so that each of you could get to know me a bit better. This is all clearly not my entire life story and history behind everything but it gives you a general outline about the topics that I am passionate about and the things that have shaped me into who I am today as a woman.

But I will definitely elaborate on each of the topics and subtopics I mentioned here today so that you all will get to know who I truly am inside and out. I will get to share my story on a national level to bring awareness and knowledge. Also, my true love and passion is makeup and being a makeup artist so I want to be able to help and teach all of the beauty and makeup lovers out there and anyone who is or wants to become a makeup artist or start a business especially within the beauty industry. I am truly blessed to be doing this and there will be much more to come in the future.

Thank you all for listening and please share to spread the word about my new and glamorous blog.

Love, Kristina xoxo 

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