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squishy-mochi-is-bright-pink · 2 years ago

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Ew The Freak’s Sister

summary: Y/N is a transfer student living with Eddie who has joined the cheerleading squad for her college application. This is where she met arguably her least favourite person, Jason Carver. The pair bicker constantly, but to everyone other than them there seems to be tension behind it.

warnings: slight cursing, none others

Word count: 2642

A/N:Written because there is a criminal lack of Jason x reader content and I am here to provide. Might be cross-posted to ao3. This is a part of a larger self-insert fic I'm working on with my friends but can be enjoyed separately. I might end up writing a second chapter if I feel like it, or there's literally any demand at all. also, I put Chrissy with Andy because I didn't want her to be single. In this AU Chrissy and Jason never dated so there isn't any bad blood.

“Sorry Nance, as much as I would literally love to get this homework done early, I've got practise after school” Y/N complained thinking about the two hours of jumping about in the autumn heat they had to look forward to.

“I’ll probably stick around in the library anyway and meet up with you after practice, I might actually be able to focus. It’s impossible to get work done with how chaotic my house is.” Nance explained as the two got closer to their last class of the day, psychology.

“You're a lifesaver Nance. Meet me by the front of the school when you’re done. I think Eddies picking me up so you can grab a lift with us.” This had become a semi-regular routine for the girls where whenever one had an after-school activity, the other would find something to keep them occupied until it was over. Then they would catch a lift to one of their houses (very often the trailer) and hang out for a while. After their plans had been settled the two took their seat and got ready for a long hour of note-taking.

After class Y/N bid goodbye to Nancy and walked down the halls towards the locker room to stash their bags and emotionally prepare for a long practice.

“Hey Y/N,” Someone said the locker next to Y/N’s opened and things began to be placed inside.

“Afternoon Chrissy.” They replied changing into a pair of trainers, “You have any clue what we’re doing today? We’ve run more than enough drills, we’ve gotta be on to choreo soon.” Y/N guessed as best as she could while they finished tying her laces.

“I don’t know what we’re doing. But, I do know we have to share a space with the basketball guys today” Chrissy casually mentioned. Y/N paused for a minute to process the terrible news she had just been told as if it was nothing was wrong. However, according to Y/N, there was a lot wrong with having to share practice space. Practically speaking it seriously limited what could get done at practice. Arguably worse than reducing productivity was the fact that Jason would be spending the entire practice making Y/N regret showing up.

“Chris,” Y/N paused for a second. “Please tell me that you’re joking. I’m begging you, tell me this is a joke.” the desperation in her voice was palpable.

“Nope,” Chrissy said popping the p and turning around to face a distraught, fully ready Y/N, “ I heard it from Andy at lunch. Why?” Before Y/N could rise out of the little pit of despair they had dug themself into long enough to respond Chrissy answered her own question. “Oh, Jason. You two are always fighting, right? I'm sure he’ll be too busy with his practice to even notice you’re there”

He was not, in fact, too busy to notice her. Nor was he too busy to bother them.

In fact, since Jason had heard about the change in practice location from his coach at lunch he had been looking forward to some entertainment. Y/N was oh so easy to piss off on a regular day. During practice when she has to run and jump about for an hour in a skirt even Chrissy complains about being uncomfortably short Y/N’s buttons were going to be easier to push than the keys on a keyboard.

Meanwhile, in the boys' locker room a very similar topic was being explored.

“You guys think we’re even gonna get anything done if we have to share a practice space?” Andy asked the other guys as they got changed.

“I honestly have no clue. I mean cheerleaders cant take up THAT much room. It's not like it's a real sport or anything.” Chance replied. Chance had a bad habit of blurting out the first thing that pops into his head. There was never any malice behind anything he said, he just always blurted out the wrong thing. Sometimes this landed him in sticky situations, sometimes it earned him an eye roll and more often than he would like to admit it landed him in lunch detentions. This time it got him a light smack to the back of his head.

“Chance shut up you airhead. You try jump about non-stop for an hour.” Andy, who had delivered the smack, countered. Everyone else got the sense that Andy was just repeating back a conversation Chrissy had very clearly had before. Generally when Andy came out with something that well reasoned it was copied verbatim from Chrissy.

“I don't know how much we’ll get done, but it should be a pretty entertaining practice,” Patrick added pulling his practice uniform on.

“Huh?” Jason looked to his friend for clarification.

“Oh yeah!” Andy said from Jason's left, making him feel like he was the only one out of the four who didn't get the joke. Even Chance is nodding along. Whether or not he was in on the joke, only he knew. “Jason’s favourite person is gonna be there. She's on the cheer team.” Andy continues. He emphasised favourite person and laughed a little under his breath.

“Oh yeah, I guess she will be.” Jason knew exactly who they were talking about. This line of teasing could only be about one person, Y/N. He and Y/N had been trading back and forth insults almost every day since she arrived in Hawkins. When she first got here they bumped into each other in the halls and while she apologised he laughed a little and the seemingly sweet shy girl in front of him, mainly because he had no clue who she was, before showing her to her first class. This sweet introduction was promptly ruined when Y/N happened to find Jason shouting at Eddie from the other end of the hall calling him a freak.

The seemingly shy girl turned to him and began berating him in the corridor in a thicker accent than he had heard her use all day. She called him every name she could think of and asked him what on earth got into his head that raised his ego high enough to call other freaks. Jason was shocked, embarrassed and a little confused why the newest cheerleader was so insistent on standing up for the freak. He later learned she was his roommate and host-sister. Y/N and Jason hadn't been able to be in the same space for more than thirty minutes without a fight breaking out since.

These little fights had become a serious source of teasing for Jason amongst his teammates. Most often just found the sight of her on her toes, finger in his face while she ranted quite funny, they found it even funnier after he found out that the best way to rile the girl up was to not respond and just look at them smugly. This led to Y/N getting more and more worked up until they inevitably stormed off, cheer-mandated ponytail bouncing with rage.

In short, Jason was looking forward to someone to aggravate for an hour. Jason began to zone the others out as he got ready he heard snippets of the conversation around him. He zoned back in occasionally to comment but he was mostly in his own world, up until he heard some of the sophomore bench warmers turn the conversation towards how they were excited to see the cheerleaders and their skirts at practice. That was when he put an end to the conversation and ordered the boys to meet him on the court in two minutes.

That was a line Jason wouldn't allow to be crossed, not on his team. Obviously, being captain Jason was first on the court and met Chrissy who was organising the girls for warm-ups. Y/N was indeed there with the others tightening her ponytail before the warm-up jog. When she looked up and accidentally made eye contact with Jason their eyes rolled so far into her skull that for a second he worried they might get stuck. Jason rolled his eyes at her just before she jogged off. Sometimes, scratch that, most of the time, he found her to be obnoxious, annoying and a bit of a bitch. He had to admit she looked prettier than he wanted to admit in her uniform.

Jason spent more of that practice than he wanted to admit distracted. However, this may just be the best he has performed at practice all year. His teammates had noticed the improvement in his playing and a few theories were spun. Some of the younger ones believed that Jason had a crush on one of the cheerleaders and was showing off to get her attention, guesses on who it was varied pretty heavily. One extremely creative freshman guessed it was Chrissy and he was trying to impress her into leaving Andy, he was of course wrong. Jason’s friends assumed it was something to do with his spiked blood pressure from being around Y/N. Patrick had a feeling that it wasn’t just annoyance pushing him to play this way. Maybe somewhere, deep in his subconscious, he was actually showing off. It had gotten to the point where Patrick genuinely had no clue if those two still hated each other or just had two years of tension that needs to be worked through. He had a sneaking suspicion that neither of them was ready for that realisation.

Y/N’s practice was relatively normal. The biggest point of difference was that anytime she made eye contact they would flip him off as subtly as possible to avoid getting in trouble with her coaches. This fueled Jason’s fire, causing him to play better. Him playing better meant him looking over to her more every time he scored to silently brag. Triggering them flipping him off, and continuing the cycle for the rest of the practice.

Jason’s effort made her want to try harder so as to not be outdone by him of all people. This led to both of them lying on the floor in a puddle of exhaustion by the end of practice, having worked far harder than a random Tuesday required. Neither team was happy about the sudden burst of energy as they all had to try and keep up with it. Most of cheer was spent on drills and the boys spent most of the day on practice matches.

By the time Chrissy managed to drag Y/N back into the locker room to get changed she was panting like a dog and Chrissy had questions.

“So why were you trying so hard today?” Chrissy was very clearly trying to sound casual.

“No reason in particular. Guess I just had a lot of energy.” They replied under their breath with her face deep in their locker, trying to dismiss this line of questioning. As lovely as Chrissy is there is no way she is going to take “I spent the whole practice competing with a boy for no apparent reason other than our tension-filled year-long rivalry” as a valid explanation that needs no further probing.

“Are you sure? Because if you were maybe trying to get the attention of one of the basketball guys, I could help. I mean I’m dating Andy and he's friends with all the seniors, so-” she paused to fix her shirt “you know I could probably set you up.” Exactly what Y/N expected.

“Nope Chris. I swear I’m good.” they replied as they gathered stuff for a quick shower, “I’m not particularly into eejits or cocky assholes.” The last bit wasn’t fully true but Chrissy wasn't close enough to know that. In fact, Y/N’s attraction to cocky assholes was not only well known amongst her friends, but often a source of friendly mockery.

Nancy had finished up in the library about ten minutes before it closed and took the spare time to grab a can of New Coke for herself and a bottle of water for her friend, who had an awful habit of not bringing any water to long practices. Before walking slowly down to meet her outside the locker room.

As Nancy arrived at the locker room practice had just ended, meaning she had at least ten minutes probably fifteen or twenty to wait for Y/N to get dressed so Nancy sat down on the floor and pulled out her well-worn copy of Carrie by Stephen King. If she was going to have to wait, she might as well be as comfy as possible while doing it.

After about ten minutes the boys started to slowly trickle out of the locker room. Lucas was one of the first and stop to chat with Nancy for a bit. Just exchanging pleasantries. Nancy hadn’t seen him much since summer ended and hadn’t found the time to congratulate him for making the basketball team last month.

By the time she was nearly done with chapter seven of her book, she was rudely interrupted by a loud scoff. An annoying scoff that could only come from one cocky blonde basketball captain.

“If it isn’t Wheeler number 2,” he said and when she looked up she noticed his blonde hair was still damp from his shower and falling messily into his face. He looked more tired than anyone else did coming out of the locker room and even Lucas had looked a little worse for wear.

“If it isn’t a waste of sperm.” Nancy retorted looking back down at her book. “You look more disgusting than usual than normal Carver, was it a long day of tossing balls into laundry baskets then?” she said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. If Jason had an offended look on his smug face she didn't care enough to look up and appreciate it.

“What are you even doing here Wheeler? Last time I checked this isn’t the editing room.” For some reason, Jason seemed to believe that his spot on the basketball team made him more important than the work she puts into the school paper. Social hierarchy bullshit and all that.

“Piss off Jason. I can sit where I want when I want.” her eyes rolled behind the book.

“You know, if you really wanted to check out the guys’ that badly you could just talk to us. It would be an improvement from whatever you have going on with the pervert-”

“Fuck right off asshole. She’s here to get me not stroke your mates' fragile ego” came Y/N’s voice from the door to the girls changing room. They turned to their friend “sorry I took so long, you good Nance?” clearly she had been in the shower because her brown her was tied back with damp strands framing their face.

“Yeah all good, just an annoying noise in here,” she said packing up her bag and ignoring the pissy toddler standing next to her. “Eddie still picking us up?”

“He better be or I’m calling Steve, no way I’m walking home after that practice.”

“Harrington? Please don’t tell me you guys have dragged him down to your cult nonsense” Jason seemed genuinely horrified that his old role model Steve “the king” Harrington had fallen to the level of Eddie Munson and his freak crew.

“What about it? Jealous you don't get to kiss his ass anymore.” Nancy teased having witnessed the puppy dog-like expression that Jason would often follow Steve about with during his earlier years at Hawkins High. Unfortunately, Y/N hadn’t moved to Hawkins at the time and missed that phase, meaning less material for mockery.

“You two suck.” Jason said as if it was the best comeback of the year.

“And you swallow” Y/N responded as the two walked out to the car park.

#jason carver #jason carver x reader #jason carver fluff #stranger things x reader #stranger things

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suganovakawa · 4 years ago

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do you happen to take requests? if so, may i- hcs abt playing and simping on genshin impact with kenma, kuroo, oikawa and bokuto-? you can lessen the cast if you want^^ thank you for the time! i love your blog 💖

GENSHIN IMPACT HERE I COME

genshin impact frenzy!

— kenma, kuroo, oikawa, and bokuto play genshin impact with you!

gen masterlist

taglist ( open! ) —

a/n — this game has taken literally so much of my time, it was only meant to be that i fulfill this request—also bokuto’s has minor spoilers to venti’s story quest! it’s pretty vague but it’s still there

kenma kozume.

✧｡ this guy can take on literally everyone with just the standard team

✧｡ and he does—he sees no point in wishing for people when he’s already got a decent team given to him for free

✧｡ you’ve literally fought with him so many times because he forgets that wishing is a thing and finds it strange that you are willing to spend your life savings on a single five star character

✧｡ he will only wish on the standard banner, since that’s where you can get constellations for the standard team

✧｡ somehow he’s collected so many constellations for kaeya and amber, it’s unreal

✧｡ you’ve debated on sending a complaint to mihoyo because kenma can’t send any of his primogems to you

✧｡ he’s currently AR 50 and still has the beginner’s banner untouched aside from noelle

✧｡ “kenma, would it kill you to wish on a banner once? just one ten wish summon. one time.”

✧｡ “but i already have my team up to level 90, why should i put in the effort to grind for anything else?”

✧｡ “because the other characters look nice?”

✧｡ “okay, and?”

✧｡ there’s no winning against him

✧｡ you ain’t ever catching him simp

✧｡ you almost caught him eyeing kaeya’s new idle animation but to no avail </3

✧｡ timeskip kenma streams on twitch, where even some of his viewers are completely distraught that he never wishes on the banners

✧｡ on multiple occasions he’s held events where he gives you money for primogems, and just streams you wishing for the characters instead of him

✧｡ he’d never admit it out loud, but his heart flutters when he sees the excited look on your face as you pull a five star character

tetsurou kuroo.

✧｡ for shits and giggles he probably decided to choose lumine instead of aether

✧｡ when he realized that he liked aether’s design more than hers, he just stopped using her entirely

✧｡ if he hadn’t gotten all the way to AR 30 before this realization, he probably would’ve started over with a new account just to choose aether instead

✧｡ he doesn’t play this game religiously, but he is far from a f2p guy

✧｡ will shamelessly simp with you if he deems the character simp worthy—if not he’ll just watch you simp and then simp over his own characters

✧｡ he almost lost his mind over albedo and had a heart attack when he ended up pulling a weapon instead

✧｡ don’t even get me started when he laid eyes on ganyu

✧｡ if you can’t get a five star character you want, he’ll purposely spend money so that he gets them before you and rub it in your face

✧｡ that’s what he did for zhongli

✧｡ “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT ZHONGLI?”

✧｡ “i mean, he’s right here. look! isn’t he so sexy? he would be a great addition to my team. you enjoy having jean though! i’ve heard she’s a great healer.”

✧｡ “tetsurou, i am going to murder you.”

✧｡ “no you won’t.”

✧｡ “i won’t. i just won’t help you with domains anymore.”

✧｡ “okay okay wait this can be discussed—”

✧｡ he hates grinding and will continuously hold if off until he physically can’t defeat any of the ascension material bosses

✧｡ however, he completes ascension quests the moment he can—it’s just his luck that he has to deal with the consequences when he has to deal with mobs with his severely under leveled team

✧｡ both of you raced to get to AR 40 first, and you won since you were actually smart enough to level up your characters long before he did

✧｡ you two like completing domains together rather than doing it online or alone

✧｡ genshin is more of a leisure pastime for kuroo, but he finds himself playing it more and more with each passing day

tooru oikawa.

✧｡ surprisingly? he’s much better at genshin than what you were originally expecting

✧｡ it’s probably because he has enough patience to grind for all of the materials SDJKFJKSDF

✧｡ but because he prioritizes volleyball a lot more, he’s only at AR 36 while you’re on your way to AR 47

✧｡ he takes it upon himself to compare himself to childe, and you just have to go with it because tooru will not take no for an answer

✧｡ just to spite you he goes around saying “hey girlie” every now and then

✧｡ he’ll come up behind you quietly and whisper in your ear, causing you to jump at the sound of his voice

✧｡ “hey girlie, hold still.”

✧｡ “TOORU COULD YOU NOT—”

✧｡ “c’mon, you know you you like it.”

✧｡ “maybe if you dressed up into childe’s foul legacy transformation, i would be persuaded.”

✧｡ “SAY NO MORE”

✧｡ simps for both mona and diluc lowk

✧｡ i just know he purposely chooses the suggestive and flirty choices every chance he gets

✧｡ he had a field day with ying’er (that perfume lady idk)

✧｡ he hates spiral abyss with every fiber of his being and refuses to do anything more after he got xiangling

✧｡ he likes flaunting his five stars to random people he plays with in domains just for the fun of it

✧｡ his favorites to flaunt are childe and xiao (he was originally wanting ganyu but her banner expired before he could pull her so he just wasted the rest of his pity and got xiao instead)

✧｡ idk why but i get the sense that he’s eagerly waiting for an announcement that scaramouche will be a playable character

✧｡ he will give you money for genshin if you ask nicely

✧｡ if you ask nicely and you give him something in return

✧｡ but all in all, he does genuinely enjoy the game

koutarou bokuto.

✧｡ kou will either forget to play it for months or you’ll have to pry it from his hands after being locked away in his room for at least a week

✧｡ his favorite five star to use would probably be klee, just because of all the explosions she sets off

✧｡ definitely simps for ningguang and albedo, but will see to it that he proves himself better than any of the guys you simp for

✧｡ he loves using fischl so that he can use oz

✧｡ he doesn’t take the game very seriously but still manages to reach AR 40, even though he has no idea how builds work

✧｡ he has no desire to learn either, he’s just enjoying himself and exploring the world

✧｡ he gets carried away with exploring the world that he found both all of the anemoculus and the geoculus before AR 40

✧｡ goes into emo mode when he doesn’t pull the character he wants

✧｡ the story quests make him sad when he does them, especially venti’s

✧｡ he regretted not having venti after he finished that story quest and just watched the story with venti and his old friend over and over again to mourn

✧｡ and he checks up on stanley every time he sees him anywhere, usually in front of mondstadt at night

✧｡ “i promise you that i will never leave you or let any harm come to you, y/n”

✧｡ “kou, that’s sweet of you—”

✧｡ “i mean it! i would rather die than put you in harm’s way”

✧｡ you have to comfort him repeatedly and eventually gets over it

✧｡ but now he’s saving up for venti’s rerun and has not been deterred or tempted for anyone else, mans is almost at 10k primogems for this guy

✧｡ mihoyo pls give bokuto a venti rerun

✧｡ it’s safe to say that venti slowly becomes bokuto’s favorite character

✧｡ you should watch out before kou becomes too emotionally attached to every character

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johnkrrasinski · 4 years ago

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𝐄𝐱𝐢𝐥𝐞

Chapter 5: Now I’m in Exile

full masterlist // series masterlist // commission open // support my work

Pairings: Dark!Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 8,310

Summary: Steve Rogers; a Hollywood A-lister and your clandestine occasional hookup. Best friends since childhood, but people change and friendships fall out. Now you were merely strangers with benefits. What happens when one day you stopped being his doormat to be a better man’s queen? The selfish Steve Rogers would not like it. How far is he willing to go to get his favorite possession back?

Warnings: smut, non-con/dub-con, dark Steve (in later chapter), angst, Steve Rogers is an asshole in this one, no redeeming qualities. (MUST BE 18+)

A/N: this series is dedicated to the lovely @belovedcherry who commissioned this story and developed the concept. thank you for being a friend when i truly needed it. i’m really glad that you trusted me to write this story for you. with all my heart, i sincerely hope you like it. this series will be updated every day.

The calling tone reverberated in your hand as the beaming grin on your face mirrored on the screen. With every passing second, your anticipation grew. You couldn’t control your fidgeting so you took a deep breath and-

“Hey, boo!” Natasha’s voice modulated.

You lifted your right hand to the front camera’s level, revealing the rose golden Cartier wrapped finger as it glimmered under the light.

“Oh my God! Did he…?”

“Mhm,” you nodded. “I’m engaged, Nat!”

Natasha put a hand over her mouth, “holy shit! Girl, I’m so happy for you! Congratulations!” the gaiety on her face was palpable, you could feel it through the screen. There’s a reason why she and Wanda were the first people you passed the happy news to. After your parents of course.

“Thank you so much! I can’t believe it. Eight months ago, I thought I’d be single forever but here I am…”

“Yeah, things escalated quickly for you! Now you are someone’s fiancee and seven months pregnant. It’s mind-boggling,” she spoke like a proud sister. “I’m beyond happy for you. Really, I am.”

“I know this is probably too soon but, will you be my maid of honour, Nat?”

“You know damn well there’d be no wedding if you didn’t ask me to. Hell yeah, I will!”

“Ah, yes!” you hurrayed in excitement. “Alright, I’ll catch up to you later, okay? I gotta call Wanda too.”

“Do whatever you want boo, it’s your day.”

You hung up the phone and went through your contacts list, then clicked the phone number under Wanda’s name. The excitement bubbled up in your chest as you pictured the smile on her face when she sees the new lustrous thing on your finger.

Eight months earlier…

“Hey, y/n. It’s me, Adrian. It was a pleasure meeting you last night. How is the dress doing?”

“She is going for a dry cleaner. It was lovely to meet you too, except for the drink-spilling stain of course.”

“Sorry about that. But it got me your number and I would’ve done it again if that’s what it costs.”

You smiled down at your phone under the warm glow of the morning sunlight. “You showed me pictures of your dogs and cat so it’s a win-win situation for us both.” Wink emoji.

“Perhaps you and I could chat more about my dogs and my cat over a cup of coffee?”

“Will you promise you won’t spill the coffee on my shirt this time?”

“You have my word.”

“I’ll consider it, then.”

“Next Friday, at 7 PM. Write that down on your calendar.”

“I didn’t even say yes.”

He sent an adorable picture of his pomeranian dog looking up at him with pleading eyes. “How can you say no to this face?”

“Say no more. I’ll see you next Friday.”

Two weeks after the date.

You regurgitated your guts out in the toilet bowl and held up your hair, trying not to let the vomit splotch a strand of it. This was the third time you had to run to the loo to spew the queasiness in your body. You felt dizziness clouding your head. What the hell is wrong with your body? This had been a daily occurrence for the past one week.

You sat on the toilet lid after everything you swallowed earlier was out. You recollected every food that had made its way into your digestion the past couple of days… Did you eat something inedible? Perhaps that ice cream in your refrigerator had passed its expiration date, but you only bought it three days ago at the grocery store and you swore it could still last for two more months.

Maybe that shrimp that you ate at the Chinese restaurant with Adrian last night was stale. Ugh, you’re gonna need to talk to Adrian about this but you didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Perhaps, it was just another sickness caused by an unknown bad food.

But you also retrospected the shift in your body for the past couple of weeks. Your period was late this month… It should’ve started three days ago, what is happening? Could it be…? Oh no, there’s no way. You and Adrian hadn’t even moved it to the bedroom yet, so that means… If you are, then… It must be… Steve’s.

Oh hell no.

You recalled, the last time you and Steve met up for your weekly (sometimes more) hookup appointment was the day after you and Adrian met up for a coffee, which was your very first date with him. You didn’t know there would be plenty more to come so you went to what you had planted your soles so deep in, which was Steve Rogers’s penthouse in the upper east.

He had you on top with your arse facing him because he enjoyed the view better than your face. You struggled to bounce yourself up and down on his massive size. He could be such a sluggard sometimes but a man like him would always get his way, and if he needed to fuck out some tension, then he’d use you as a masturbation aid for as long as he wanted.

His grip on your hips was ruthless, you knew it was going to cause some bruises tomorrow but you couldn’t care any less. Not when he was pulling you down this deep that you could feel him penetrating your womb. His grunts filled your ears with eroticism and you picked up your pace to help him reach his climax. You shut your eyes with your mouth hanging open as soft moans escaped through your lips. You clenched around him and you felt his cock throbbed, you knew it was coming. Literally. Your coil shattered just a few seconds before he released his seed deep inside you. He pulled out and went to the bathroom to clean himself up and left you rumpled on the couch.

He left to Atlanta the next day to shoot a new movie. Something about an organization reinforced by the Nazi during World War II, and how the Captain leads an elite combat unit to the battle against an organization called Hydra. You didn’t know that until you looked it up on the internet.

You hadn’t received another booty call for him ever since. He was probably sleeping with twenty-something-year-olds models in Atlanta though.

And you had made peace with the tragic reality you were stuck in. You had accepted the reality that you and Steve were like riding down a dead-end street. There was no making love on Sunday mornings and have brunch together afterwards. There was no settling down in a countryside house where your kids could run around barefoot on the front yard. There was no marriage vows and walking down the aisle in white for you.

But all that changed when you decided to take a pregnancy test and the result revealed that you were indeed pregnant. You took three more and the results were all the same. Fucking hell. What the hell are you going to do now?

You had to call Steve, right? He was the father after all. You couldn’t tell Adrian because he would despise you for sleeping with another man and possibly carrying his child and he probably would never want to talk to you anymore. He’d probably regret knowing you at all. And you didn’t want to send him away. You liked him, he was good for your heart and the more you explored him, the more mesmerized you become by his magnetic force.

You were distraught. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know whom to call, so you just sat there in the tenebrosity of your room, out of options and out of clue.

Eventually, you collected your nerves and you dialled Steve’s number. He didn’t answer. He told you once that he didn’t like being called unless he called you first so you never did, but this time, you had to speak to him. “Please, pick up…” you prayed while on the verge of breaking down completely.

You were directed to his voice mailbox.

“This is Steve Rogers and if I’m not picking up that probably means you shouldn’t be calling me.”

Beep. “Hey Steve, I’m really sorry for calling you this late but I really need to talk to you. Please, it’s urgent.”

Three hours later and there were still no callbacks. You had sent him twenty-eight text messages and his voice mailbox was full. If you waited one more goddamn second, you’d lose your mind. So you picked up your phone and bit the bullet and typed the words; “I’m pregnant and you are the father. Please call me back so we can talk about it.”

It was around 4.30 AM when you checked the time on your lock screen. You were fatigued; both physically and emotionally. You had to unwind from every quandary that impinged you today. It was a lot and you were at a complete loss, but you’ll figure it out tomorrow.

You didn’t sleep well that night, you kept waking up whilst it was still dark out, and you had to wake up at 7.30 tomorrow for work. You kept looking at the sleek device that was left unmuted on your bedside table in case Steve called back. He didn’t though. You only slept for an hour and you really wanted to take a day off but you’d lose your mind if you were left alone with your thoughts and no distraction. So you got out of bed, took a shower and prepared for work, with your thoughts filled with the future of this baby growing inside you and Steve. Why hasn’t he called back or even text at all? Does he really think so little of you?

The impulse to check your phone and call and text him every five minutes was adamantine. You tried to control the itch of sending him another text and voicemail but it failed until you read the words ‘not delivered’ in red under the last text message that you just sent. You tried to resend it over and over again and even tried to write a new message but it was the same result.

You moved to your call feature but after a single ring, you were diverted to voicemail. It took you a few seconds to realize that Steve had blocked you. You went to the last media to reach out to him and it was through his Instagram account. You didn’t even follow each other and you were certain that he received thousands of DMs and notifications every day from his obsessive fans. He had 39 million followers for God’s sakes, the hell is one message from you going to mean anything?

But you were despondent and you needed someone to go through this with, especially the father himself. You did it anyway without thinking twice and told him that you were pregnant and you needed to talk to him. You even sent a picture of those three pregnancy tests and attached it on your message. You couldn’t stop biting your lip and tapping your foot throughout the entire way to your work in the train. Man, were you really going to raise this child alone?

Three days later and still no signs of him attempting to return your messages. You had slowly accepted your fate that you were going to carry and raise this child alone. You still hadn’t told Adrian despite talking to him every day and it crushed your heart whenever you heard his elated tone. You could tell that he was really into you and he wanted to take this relationship further but sorrowfully, one way or another, you were going to have to tell him the secret growing in your belly and you were going to have to slaughter this exquisite potential. You wondered if the circumstances were different or you had met at another time or in another universe, would Adrian be the one you were meant to be with?

You made a promise to yourself that you were going to meet him tomorrow and tell him the truth. Delaying it wouldn’t make it any easier and it wouldn’t prevent the doom from happening. If anything, it would only elongate the hurt. So you picked up your phone after you cerebrated it on your mind and clicked on Adrian’s chat room; “meet me at the Drive Brew Cafe tomorrow? Got something I’d like to talk about.”

“Is it something really urgent or you’re just looking for an excuse to see me?” Wink emoji.

“Oh, stop flattering yourself. We really need to talk.”

“Usually, I’d ask a person the matter before I’d decide that it’s important enough for me to meet them in person but I’m giving you a pass.”

“Very generous of you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, y/n.”

You arrived ten minutes earlier than the time you both agreed to meet at. The cafe wasn’t too crowded, thank God, so you immediately ordered a cup of Machiatto for Adrian and a cup of hot chocolate to calm your nerves. After the barista called your name, you walked to the corner booth before anyone could occupy it first. You were going to need some privacy. You sat as your hands trembled from edginess. You couldn’t stop fidgeting and tapping your foot as the second passed by on the clock.

Exactly on 6.30 PM, a dashing brunet in a dark grey vest and rolled-up sleeves entered and you stood up to greet him. He just came home from work and man, it was impossible for him to ever look bad even for once, you were so lucky but life just kept finding a way to eliminate the people you cared about.

“Hey, you look good.” his British accent was thick. He kissed your cheek and embraced you with a warm smile.

“So do you. How was work?” You both sat on the opposite chairs of the booth.

“The ordinary. We had a meeting with a director of this historical film to get us to fund the project. How was yours?” The genuinely curious look on his face nearly changed your mind. Oh, how you wish you could hold on to this moment where you could still have him a little longer.

“Nothing new, just another day at work. This one’s for you by the way.” You didn’t know what more to say when your mind was cluttered so you stalled by passing over his drink.

“So, what’s so important that you needed to see me?”

“Adrian, you know, I really like you, right?” you took his hand in yours as you stared into his striking eyes. “And I’ll always be grateful that you were foolish enough to ruin my dress that night.”

He was perplexed. His eyebrows were furrowed. “As much as I enjoy your companion, I’m sure that you didn’t call me to meet you only to thank me for wrecking your dress, right?”

“Yeah, but um… I just, it’s been wonderful knowing you. And… Oh God, this is going a lot harder than I thought.”

He nodded. A dejected look on his face that you wished you could wipe out. “Let me save you the trouble… You are breaking up with me.” He didn’t say it as if he was guessing, he said it as if it was a declaration that he’d figured out before you could even formulate the words.

“Adrian… I’m pregnant. And you’re not the father, so don’t worry. I know when you first asked me out, this isn’t what you signed up for. So I’m setting you free. I’m sorry.”

You expected him to get up and walk out of the door, leaving you with your alienation but none of that was detected on his expression or his body language. “Who is the father?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Try me.”

“Adrian…”

“Don’t I at least deserve to know who my girlfriend is sleeping with before I even took her to my bed?”

Girlfriend. Huh. Well, that’s first.

“Steve Rogers.”

“Steve Rogers the actor?”

“Yes…”

He snickered. That drew a mystification out of you. “What’s so funny?”

“So you’re into the arsehole type.”

“…How do you know what kind of person he is?”

“The movie that we had a meeting about today? He’s going to star in it and I’ve met him a couple of times at some parties. Not the nicest guy, eh?”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to say.”

He sipped a bit of his coffee. “How did you get involved with a bloke like him?”

So you told him everything; the beginning of your friendship, the fallout, the moment he took your V-card in your dorm, and how years later, he still had you on a chokehold. He didn’t seem to mind one bit that the woman that he had been seeing had a history with someone. He’d dealt with much worse scenarios in his former dating lives. He wasn’t going to let other man’s neglected baby stand in the way of what could be something beautiful.

“I’m not walking away.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m staying. I like you and I know you feel the same way too. We are going to raise this baby together. No child deserves to grow up fatherless. I’m going to be its father.”

“Adrian, but…”

“No buts, we’ll get through this together. Now, let’s enjoy these tasty drinks before they get cold, yeah?”

So you nodded, too dumbstruck by the man before you. You drank your hot chocolate that was cooling down and let his presence soothe you better than the sweet drink on your tongue.

Steve went back to New York after spending nearly four months in Atlanta, shooting his movie. Man, he’d lost count on how many extras he had fucked in his hotel room but nothing felt as good as your pussy. He thought about your last text before he blocked you. You had claimed that you were pregnant with his baby. You must’ve lost your mind to think that he’d buy that shit.

So he picked up his phone, unblocked your number and pressed the call button. Three dial tones and a familiar voice answered. “Hello?”

“Hey baby, meet me at my place tonight.”

“Who is this?”

“Hillarious, y/n. I’m too fucking tired for jokes okay? Come here and suck my cock then maybe I’ll listen to your jokes.”

“Is this Steve Rogers?”

“Fuck yeah, it’s me, y/n. Who else do you think I am?”

A pause jammed the line. “I’m done, Steve.”

“What? The fuck do you mean you’re done?”

“I sent you thousands of texts and calls five months ago and you couldn’t even lift your fingers to answer.”

“I was in the middle of shooting, y/n. You know better than to call me while I’m working.”

“Oh, screw you, Steve. I’m pregnant and you didn’t even care? How much of an asshole can you be?”

“You were actually serious about that?”

“Of course you think I was joking. But don’t worry, it’s none of your concern now. We’re done. Don’t call me anymore.”

“Wait, wait! Y/N!” you cut off the line. “Ah shit.”

He tried to call five more times and you neglected every single one of them. In fact, you instantly blocked his number after the last phone call with him. You didn’t want to be associated with him anymore. You thought that Steve had forgotten about you since he blocked your number first so you never had to do it yourself. But of course, an entitled scoundrel such as he is would never stop taking and taking until you had nothing more to give.

It took you years of anguish, an unforeseen mishap and a beautiful stranger that ended up being the stupendous love you’d been looking for to open your eyes to the rotten core of Steve Roger’s heart. He ever only lusted for your flesh, he never gave a shit about you as a person.

You lived for the hope of it all, you cancelled plans just in case he’d call, and you never once suspected the pitfall, but you were no longer that foolish girl anymore. You had met a real man now and he led you to the path of love and happiness and Steve was no longer the most intrinsic thing on your mind.

Steve was going apeshit. He had never been rejected or denied before, he always had it so effortlessly. Especially by you. He thought he’d always have you by the palm of his hand, he thought whenever he asked you to jump, you’d always say “how high?”, he thought whenever you’d think about walking near to the door, you’d always turn around with a few sensual touches and sugarcoated words, but the renunciation that came out of your mouth sting like a bitch and he didn’t like his ego being trampled over.

He went to sleep later that night, dreaming about caressing you and kissing you as a lover would. Never once did he ever have such a dream about anyone before. Maybe he belonged to you more than he had realized all this time.

It was his fourth time this week of standing on the street of your apartment building after you returned his plenteous gifts that you certainly never even asked for or needed. Why would you? You could easily buy that necklace jewellery, that overpriced velvet dress, and those designer shoes with your own money. And even if you couldn't, your boyfriend could easily afford all those things for you too. But that motherfucker used his money to buy you shoddy gifts such as poorly designed accessories and tacky books and yet you happily accepted them? What a closefisted fool.

But who are we kidding? The sole reason why you didn’t accept those gifts is that you no longer cared about him. Those inducements didn’t work on you anymore. You were much happier with a better man now. What do you have to lose?

Rather than dwelling in self-pity and resentment, he hid in Range Rover in a black baseball cap and Tom Ford shades from the paparazzi and waited. Waited for her to come out. He had been religiously stalking every social media you had from another private account to track your activities. The last photo you posted on your Instagram was a picture of you and the scary college roommate of yours that he’d forgotten the name of. It was last Saturday.

“Always a delight to catch up with this one. Love you @natasharomanoff.”

under 281 likes and 32 comments. He scrolled through every single one of them and searched for any clue that might indicate your next move. Found one.

Wandamaximoff: “Don’t forget about me!! :(” so they are still friends apparently.

Natasharomanoff: “Same time next week? 💕”

“Absolutely,” you replied to the red-head.

Gotcha. He’ll be there.

So here he was, waiting for you to come out of that building to grab an Uber because he knew you weren’t so into driving. Except for that late-night rendevous of course, because he told you once that he’d hate for a single soul to know there was something going on between you and him. You were a secret and he’d like to keep it that way. Sooner or later, people are gonna talk and headlines are going to break the internet.

Two minutes later, you stepped out wearing a beige coloured cable knit cardigan and a grey jersey maxi dress underneath with a necklace around your neck. He couldn’t see it from this distance but the item had made a few appearances in some of your recent Instagram posts, and he already knew that you wore it wherever you go. It was an initial necklace of the letter ‘A’ in silver.

He hated the arising thought but he couldn’t help but think how ethereal you looked in your casual, maternal clothes. Perhaps even more than when you wore those petite dresses that always made you look uncomfortable whenever you wore them. You walked with grace and there’s this elegance that you just exuded without trying too hard. You could be wearing the most boring clothes or doing the most mundane things like looking down at your phone to text your Uber driver and you’d still look enchanting.

Man, how could he had been so blind all this time?

It shredded his heart even worse knowing that the growing fetus in your belly was his, but when that baby borns, another man would hold it instead of him and the kid would grow to learn that another man was its father instead of him. That motherfucker. He didn’t have any right in raising that baby. You were bearing his child. Not Adrian’s. You belonged to him. You always did. Fate had interlaced your paths long before you were given birth to this world. No one knew you better than him and vice versa. Not even that former roommate of yours or Wanda. Only him. He had to have you back. Whatever it takes.

He was so inflamed with debt and feebleness of his childhood that he turned into someone he used to loathe when he was younger. He strayed so far away from the path that his mom had paved for him to walk in and he wasted the one good thing in his life that kept him going when he had nothing. But he couldn’t turn back now, couldn’t cross out the mistakes that he did. The best he could do is make use of what he is capable of now and utilize it cleverly.

A scheme was formed in his head… He’d have you back in no time. One way or another.

Months went by and his patience emaciated. He had it all drawn out in his head but he had to be very careful. If he rushed or stepped on the wrong stone, he’d end up being decapitated and his career would burn to ashes. Especially with how the paparazzi and the media were always busting up his ass, like hunters with foxes. He couldn’t have that. He had worked too hard to see it all crumble beneath his feet.

He rejected all film projects and public appearances offered by his agent slash good friend, Sam Wilson. Sam was getting a little frustrated by Steve for being unreasonable. He was his most ambitious client, never one to say no to a good script and occasions that could advance his career and generate more profit for both of them.

But after he returned from Atlanta for his last movie, he had been shutting most people out. Sam was always his most trusted confidant, he was his agent, after all, it was his responsibility to make sure the client that earned him the most income was well in health and aptitude. But he was scratching his head trying to get Steve to open up to him.

Sick of Steve’s shortcoming, he called Steve and told him to come to the office.

“Fuck off, Sam. Why can’t you just talk on the phone?”

“Get your ass down here or I will come to your house myself.”

He groaned and hauled himself to Sam’s office, not in the mood for Sam’s garrulous nagging.

Steve knocked on Sam’s door and he saw Sam sitting in his usual black and white attire in his ergonomic chair. He had a frown on his face instead of his usual conceited womanizer charm. “What’s with the long face?” Sam asked.

“Nothing. I’m just worn out.”

“Cut the bullshit. Last time you got your ass to work was six months ago. What the hell is happening with you?”

“I just haven’t found any good script that interests me, Sam. And I told you, I needed a short break. I’ve been travelling nonstop for the past few years to shoot films and press tours, and now I just need to hit the pause button.”

“The Steve Rogers I know isn’t one to rest. He was power-hungry and always craved for more. You also rejected an Oscar potential role. Something’s going on and it’s deeper than just needing a break. C’mon, talk to me man. As a friend, not as your agent. Let me help you.”

It took him a few seconds to brace himself. He didn’t need to tell him the entire truth, he just had to ask Sam fora favour and then the Steve Rogers that made him millions would come back. “You know anyone who’s good at editing photos?”

“…What?” Sam was perplexed.

“Just let me know, Sam. You got any connections to editing experts? Hook me up.”

“What is fueling this?” Sam was bewildered. He looked at Steve like he had just grown two heads out of nowhere.

“Just trust me on this one, alright? You link me to a good editor and business will back as usual.”

“I know a guy.”

Your bachelorette party was fun. You, Natasha, Wanda and a few of your fellow colleagues were invited to the tea party at the garden of The Berkeley in London, which is the hometown of your fiance. You loved London and you always had such a good time whenever you paid it a visit with Adrian.

Now that the weekend was over, it was time to pick up little Nathan from your parents’ house. A beautiful baby boy was born three months ago and he was your parents’ joy. You never told them that the real father was the scrawny kid who used to lounge around on their couch every Wednesday afternoon when there was nothing much to do. Your parents loved Adrian as their own and it was all that mattered.

This baby is going to grow up with so much love from his parents and grandparents. From your chosen family who will become his aunties and uncles. He is going to be raised right in gentleness, affection, and sincerity. And it would never matter how he was conceived into this world in the first place.

You refused to leave this baby for more than five minutes but Wanda and Nat kept insisting that you needed some time for your own. One bachelorette party wouldn’t hurt. It’s only one weekend. Besides, your grandparents were obsessed with baby Nathan and they were going to take such good care of him while you were away, celebrating your single life with your girlfriends before you spend the rest of it with someone.

Now you were back home, you couldn’t wait to see your baby. You had been thinking about him endlessly in London and you missed holding him close to your chest. So you put on your coat and took your keys to drive to your parents’ house but you were stopped by a text message before you could open the door of your car.

“Enjoyed your bachelorette party?” An unknown number wrote.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Who the hell is this?” your thumb typed and pressed the send button.

“You know me. Better than anyone, just like I know you too better than your fiance.”

Your heartbeat quickened. “Stop texting or I will call the police.”

But before you could hit the send button, a picture of your face popped on the screen. But what disarrayed your mind wasn’t your face, it was the body. You were stark naked with your knees on a mattress and your ears teared up, and your lips were wrapped around a shaft.

What. The. Fuck?

“Got plenty more.” the unknown number threatened.

Another picture of you lying on the same bed, except this time you were on your back so your tits were clear cut visible and your mouth was parted slightly like you were moaning. A hand was wrapped around your throat and yours were pinned above your head by another one.

You were frozen in place and the warm autumn air descended into zero degree celsius. Your breath hitched and tears started brimming in your eyes. Who could have these pictures of you?

“I’ve got many more if you’re curious just how much of a slut you can be.”

“Stop. What do you want?” your fingers trembled.

“Meet me at the New York State Pavillon tonight, at 11 PM. Alone. Bring your baby. If you dare to report this to the cops, I will send these pictures to your fiance and post them on every existing site on the internet.”

The words didn’t leave any room for argument or further questions. So you drove to your parents’ house to pick up Nathan for the last time ever.

Adrian was working late tonight. He told you over the phone that a big project was in the work and so he and his team had to stay a little longer in the office to get it done as soon as possible. You were a bit relieved because that means, you could save yourself from whatever was bound to happen when you arrive at the abandoned historical world fair.

“Don’t forget to drink water. I love you.” You reminded him.

You wrapped Nathan in a blanket to keep him warm and you placed him in the infant car seat next to you. Your mind couldn’t stop flashing back to those pictures. Who could you possibly have done so wrong that they thought exaction would be the most fitting comeuppance. It took about 35 minutes via Grand Central Parkway which was the fastest route so you took it. Your mind also couldn’t stop asking questions, so many questions… But most importantly, who could this person be? Could it be… No, no way. You knew him. That was the last thing he’d ever do. Not because he wasn’t a nefarious person but because the world was constantly throwing themselves at him, offering him dollars and women.

He had too much in his plate to look over to yours and wanted to steal what was in it too. After months of not a single contact made, he must’ve had forgotten about you right? C’mon. This is ridiculous. But if it’s not him, then who could it be?

You arrived at Flushing Meadows a half-hour later and then you texted the number. “I’m here. What do you want?” you kept Nathan inside, fearing that whoever the culprit is might hurt him. So you stayed inside as consternation overcame you.

A few minutes later he answered, “step out the car and bring the baby.”

“Don't hurt my baby, please. Take me, but let him return safely to his father.”

“He will. Now, do as I say or I will publish these pictures.”

You trembled. You unlocked the door of your car and stepped out of it deliberately holding Nathan to your chest. You were careful to keep him from crying. The crisp air sent shivers down your spine. You closed the door and waited. Your eyes roved to all over the desolated site. Until it landed on those familiar blue eyes that held more ice than the air.

“…Steve?”

The man you used to know was different now. His face that used to be clean-shaven was now covered in a glorious beard that made him indistinguishable. His dusty blonde hair was slightly longer and he dressed in dark clothes that amplified the sinister atmosphere circling him.

You held Nathan closer to you with one hand behind his head, trying to keep him quiet. “Don’t be like that, let me see my son.”

“No. He’s not yours.” You spat.

He scoffed. “Say whatever you want, sweetheart but it’s my blood running in his little veins. In fact, I think we can take a DNA test and send it to your fiance, how about that? Also, how is Mr and Mrs. Y/L/N?”

“Leave my parents alone, Steve.”

“Are you going to cut that attitude of yours or do we have to do this the hard way? Either way, I don’t mind.”

“I’ll be good. Just please, don’t involve my parents.”

“Good, I know the good girl I knew is still somewhere inside you. Now, drop your phone to the ground and smash it.”

“…What? No! How am I going to-”

He furrowed one eyebrow at you and you instantly understood the peril if you repudiated him once more.

You took out your phone from the pocket of your coat and dropped it to the ground. You stomped it with your foot until the screen was cracked, but Steve wasn’t satisfied enough with its damaged state so he stomped it harder than you did until it was smashed into two.

He led you to his Range Rover that he parked in an empty street and opened the backseat door and you slide into it with Nathan still tucked under your neck. Then he closed the door and walked to the driver’s seat and drove away to God knows where.

“Where are we going, Steve? Nathan needs to sleep. He can’t-”

“Quiet. He’ll be home soon.”

You didn’t dare to ask more questions. The vacancy in his eyes that were reflected on the rearview mirror was petrifying enough as it is. You sat and stared out the window and think about Adrian. Was he home yet? Did he try to call or text you? What would he do when he realizes you weren’t home? You couldn’t help but think that this morning was possibly the last time you’d ever see Adrian. God, you missed him already. You prayed to whatever God was listening that he would save you and your son soon.

Please Adrian, please do something. I love you.

The soft hum of the engine made your eyes feel droopy. You tried your best to stay awake but it was nearing midnight and the jet lag was still encompassing you so the fight in you to stay awake resolved. You gave in to the lethargy with Nathan dozing on your lap.

You were woken up by a shake on your shoulder and you found Steve standing on the open door. “Get up, we’re here.”

In your still languorous state, you got out of the car hugging Nathan close. “Where are?”

The sounds of crickets saturated the ambience as only the faint glow of the moon illuminated the trees around you. There was nobody around except you and Steve -and Nathan if a three months creature counts-. You put two and two together… Did Steve take you into the woods?

“Steve, what are we doing here?”

He didn’t meet your eye or answered you but instead, he walked toward what looked like a mid-century modern wooded oasis perched on a sloping site and set on stilts. The trees blended with the wood side exterior and wraparound decks. You had no idea whose house this belonged to but it was enchanting.

“Go ahead.”

You approached the resident that was incandescent with yellow lights, giving you a little peek to the furniture inside. You hoped whoever owned this property wasn’t sleeping yet, it was literally in the middle of the night, what the hell was Steve even doing taking you to a stranger’s house?

“Steve, I really don’t think this is a good idea…” as you stood freezing on the terrace. “Can we go back now? I really don’t want Adrian to worry.”

He fumbled with a key and unlocked the entrance. “Get in.”

Your eyes scanned the room to make sure there was no one around that might bust your ass tot he police for breaching before you stepped in. Your eyes peregrinated to every corner of the interior, relishing in the smell of oak and firewood.

He then took you for a quick tour to every section of the house without saying anything that would actually straighten your befuddlement. The decorations were full of vintage and antiques. “You like it?” Steve asked.

“I mean… it’s lovely for sure.”

“Good, then that means we won’t have to redecorate.”

“Wait, wait… What?”

“I bought this house for us, sweetheart. I knew you’d love the cozy design and it’s a perfect place for Nathan to grow up in.”

“Steve, what the hell are you talking about?”

“We’ll work things out. I’ll stay here with you for the rest of the weekend and I’ll only leave when I need to work. You won’t have to worry about anything else, I’ll take care of it.”

“God, you are crazier than I thought. I’m going home.”

He stopped you by blocking the entrance door and glared. “You’re not going anywhere, sweetheart.”

“Steve, get out of my way.”

“You are mine. That baby is my son, you hear me? This is where you belong.”

“I’m gonna call the cops.”

“With what? Your phone?” He derided. “You don’t even know where the hell we are.”

“Adrian’s gonna come looking for me.”

“No, he won’t. Because I’ve sent those pictures of you to him and to your boss, who is it? Tony Stark? And you don’t have any life to get back to. This is your life now.”

Your heart sunk. No, no, he can’t be. He promised he won’t if you did what he said, right?

“You’re lying…”

“I did. I sent it while you were snoozing in the car. Shit, I’d pay a million bucks to see the look on that asshole’s face when he realized just how much of a dirty slut his fiancee is… Well, ex-fiancee now.”

“Why would you- you promised you wouldn’t if I did what you asked me to.”

“Well, that agreement has changed,” he said it so nonchalantly as if he hadn’t just pulverized the life you had built for yourself, the happiness you had stacked on a shelf that took you years to collect; a great job, a loving boyfriend, an adorable baby.

You wanted to lash out, you wanted to smack him in the face but you were too wounded by what you just heard. If you returned to Adrian and your work tomorrow, would you still even have them? Would they even accept you at all? You knew better than trying to report a powerful man such as Steve Rogers to the cops, he could bribe them, he could get a qualified lawyer. He could also make you lose the battle you never wanted to be a part of even if you were the victim, he could easily paint you as the mentally unstable woman that wanted to blackmail him for money.

The media had never captured pictures of you sneaking out of Steve’s apartment. Steve never took you for a stroll in the park or Sunday brunch because that’s all you were; a secret. Steve never wanted to be seen with you and Steve never wanted to share you with the world for whatever reason. Steve didn’t mind being photographed by models and other film stars, but not you. And now, he wanted to keep you in this little vault or calaboose so that you’d never escape and the traces of your history would be erased forever from the world’s memory.

Because Steve Rogers was no longer the man you used to ride around the bicycle with during the summer or the scrawny romancer you used to know, but he was a selfish man, a man with enough ego and ego to completely metamorphosed himself into whatever he wanted to be, no matter how ruthless and perilous that person he is. And now here you were, a mere object for him to assert his powers on, and you knew it wasn’t because of his love for his son or for you, but simply because he always got his way. Always.

“Now you can stay here, accept your new life with me and raise Nathan together, or you can face the disgrace that your fiance and your boss see you as. You think he’s gonna let you come back to his house? You think your boss is gonna shrug it off and let you come back as if nothing happened? No. You’re dispensable, and one way or another, you’re gonna come back to me. Even if you don’t, I’ll find a way to make you.”

“Why me? You could have every other woman in the world… Why me, Steve?”

“Because you think that you can repudiate me… You can’t. You think you can take away control from me… You can’t,” he gritted. “Not a single person in the world can.”

The tears in your eyes fell the floor as your legs wobbled. “Now, let’s not keep our son awake any longer yeah? Put him to bed. And then… You can be the good housewife you were meant to be and perform your duties.”

So he led you to the nursery room and you put Nathan in the crib. You wanted to fight, you wanted to reach that door and run… Even if you don’t know where you were going, as long as you could escape from this maniac. But you knew better than running away to in the middle of nowhere at midnight, in the cold with your son. You also knew better than thinking that Steve wouldn’t do whatever he could to get you back under his feet… so what was the point in countering anymore? Men like Steve Rogers always wins.

After you put Nathan to sleep, he led you to the master bedroom and ordered you to strip. The routine revokes old memory. “Get on your knees,” he commanded as he sat on the edge of the bed, like a king waiting to be served.

You did as he says and stood between his spread legs. “Take off my pants.”

You unzipped it and pulled it down along with his briefs. “Good girl, now, open.”

You parted your lips, wide enough to fit him and circled your tongue around the tip. Just like you used to because he liked the buildup and you knew it better than anyone. He grabbed a fistful of your hair and tugged on it harshly then inched himself back deeper into your mouth. You hollowed your cheeks to accommodate his girth as he hit the back of your throat each time he went back in.

“Ah fuck, I’ve missed that sweet mouth of yours…” He picked up the pace and you looked up to him. His face contorted in pleasure while you were feeling anything but. You feel repulsed, you wanted to push him away but you couldn’t. He closed his eyes, relishing in the feel of your mouth around him and threw his head back.

He moaned as he controlled your movement faster, trying to get himself off. Your eyes teared up as you looked up at him, and his cock throbbed. He climaxed deep inside your mouth as he kept your head down so every drop that he had was spilled down your throat. He kept you there until he had no more to offer and then he pulled himself out. “Get on the bed, ass up, face down.”

You followed his command and waited until you could feel him kneeling behind you. “Just like old times, huh?” He chuckled. You could feel the tip of his cock nudging your clit and then he invaded your body through your entrance. “Shit, you’re still so fucking tight. Did that asshole ever fuck you at all?”

You didn’t answer but moaned instead as you could feel him stretching you like he used to. And no matter how many times he had fucked you, you never truly got used to it. Adrian’s face came in flashes; you recalled how he made love to you, how gentle he would be with you and how intimate your lovemaking session was, a stark contrast to how Steve would treat you. You also compared their sizes, Adrian was average compared to Steve. Whenever Steve entered you, it always felt like an intrusion, an unforeseen attack, rather than your fleshes weaving into one.

He retracted himself and then pushed back in brutally and you whined. He held onto your hips in a bruising grip, as he pounded into you because he was never one for a tender start; he only had wanted to get himself off and that was it. “Does he fuck you this good? Bet you think of my dick when he fucks you.”

Your body jolted every time he jerked himself forward and he groaned and grunted. He hammered into you relentlessly and incessantly, causing you to clench around him. The wetness made squelching noises as you could feel your impending orgasm approaching, forming a dam inside you that was ready to break any second now. He sped up and he screamed in pleasure as the coil inside you broke, you reached your peak at the same time and he buried himself deep inside you, spilling every drop that he had deep in your womb.

“Bet that British asshole doesn’t even make you cum, huh? And I know you always fake it to get him off you.” He sneered as he detached himself from you and got off the bed to clean himself off to the bathroom.

You laid there in the same position, feeling voidness creeping up your heart like you once were; unwanted and alone. Steve had stripped you of your pride, dignity and honour once and even after you managed to climb out of that pit, he found a way to drag you back down once more and locked you under.

And there was nothing else that you could do except accepting your fate as his perpetual prisoner, living under the corruption and unforgiving authority of Steve Rogers. You could only hope that once Nathan is grown enough, you could somehow sneak him out of this confinement to live a much better life and eschew himself from turning into the monster that his father is.

#steve rogers #steve rogers au #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers series #steve rogers smut #steve rogers angst #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #dark!steve rogers au #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve rogers series #dark!steve rogers x reader #chris evans #chris evans x reader #chris evans series #chris evans smut #chris evans angst

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labec99 · 3 years ago

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Hi how’s your week going (warning for incoming rant)

I was flying so fucking high from last weekend and the Harry shows, and goddamn did it crash hard.

So the job I was supposed to start next week got pushed to June, and tbh I have a feeling it will get canceled completely by then

Which means I am still stuck at the job that has been draining the life out of me all year and giving me stress that is starting to manifest in physical ways in my body

And a former colleague had asked if I wanted to staff at a new company that just relaunched but I turned him down because I thought I had a new gig lined up, and now they’re already staffed and don’t have a spot for me

So I was struggling to do a bunch of the things that I had thought got offloaded to my boss to fulfill since I was leaving, but he didn’t do any of it, so I had to staff a bunch of shows really quick, and so many contractors are booked out through the end of the year already

I had to email or text like 6 different Technical Directors, and finally got one who said he was free the 3 dates I needed him

Except then at like 7 PM the night before Thanksgiving he called to tell me his scheduled shifted for another gig and he may not be available one of the dates after all, so then I got to carry that stress through the holiday

AND THEN THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE FUCKING CAKE

My phone got stolen while I was at a bar with my friends last night

(Which is almost impressive because my phone is basically surgically attached to my hand, but I’m too emotionally distraught after this fucking week to actually be impressed) Like literally, there was 5 minutes or less from when I was posting a video on Instagram stories on the dance floor to realizing my phone was no longer in my pocket at the bar, and it wasn’t on the floor anywhere or turned into any of the barkeepers and I even went back today to check their lost and found and no one had it, so someone literally stole it out of my pocket

And I was super annoyed, but I was there with friends and also my sister so like, I got home fine and figured I’d go through the rigmarole of getting a new phone and just restore it from my icloud backup or a backup on my computer

Because I was 95% positive that I had backed my phone up to my new computer that I use for work at some point this year because I specifically downloaded iTunes onto a pc laptop, even though I really only use Spotify these days, so there’s no need for me to have it on here unless I had my phone plugged in, and I was pretty sure I remembered thinking I should back it up onto this new computer while I had it plugged in

Except when I tried to restore from an iCloud backup, it only had my iPad backups, not my iphone, and I haven’t used my iPad regularly since college because it’s like 8 years old at this point and doesn’t run current iOS’s

But like, at the very least it has my apple account data and my contacts and my messages so I didn’t lose that

So I plug my phone into my current computer and it tells me there’s no backup to restore it from

Shit

Well

Let me break out my old macbook that is now 10 years old or more and I stopped using at the beginning of the pandemic because the thought of running zoom and any other application at the same time on 4 gb of RAM was laughable so I finally bit the bullet and updated to a pc laptop so I could game on it as well for work, but hey, at least I know for absolute certain that there are multiple phone back ups on there and I probably backed it up sometime during the pandemic because I was bored, right?

Oh you sweet summer child

The last backup was in 2019, I will have lost 2+ years worth of pictures and videos, but ya know, whatever it’s something at this point and i’ve already spiraled so much in the last 24 hours (not even 24 hours. as of me venting this out my phone got stolen less than 20 hours ago) (which in and of itself I realize is a privilege to be able to replace something like that so fast, I’ve just had so many small shitty experiences compounding this week that now everything feels like a boulder thrown on top)

So I tried to restore from that backup, but for some reason my old macbook won’t recognize the new iphone and restore from there

wtf

I’m tired, emotionally exhausted, whatever

Let me restore from my ipad backup, at least I’ll have my data and account info and messages and calendar and contacts, because that’s all on this ipad and up to date including an appointment on a calendar I made on my phone 2 days ago, so I know it synced since then

Load the restore and it says Some apps may not be compatible

I realize that only ipad apps are on there and I’m going to have to redownload every app from scratch

ugh, whatever

finally load the restore

None of my contacts are there

None of my messages before 4 PM are there

some random lady’s photos are loaded into my photo app. I have never seen this woman before. idk if it’s the person who stole the phone and somehow in the course of her trying to make it hers she added her shit into mine, or if some random data in the cloud got jumbled up, but I have 275 photos of someone that isn’t me.

I finally accepted that life sucks this week and called my mom and cried on the phone for half an hour

Oh and also

I managed to get a parking ticket while I was waiting in the Verizon store for the order to be processed, because when I went to refeed my meter because I knew it was running low, there was a ticket that had been printed 5 whole minute prior, because LA Parking cops are just utter shit stains with nothing better to do with their lives

And my dude and I aren’t seeing each other any more and it fizzled out in a way that left me with a huge lack of closure. Like, I’ve gotten soft ghosted more times than I care to admit, it’s the go to way for all of my attempts at relationships to end, because I will keep texting and trying to talk to these men and they will slowly but surely just stop answering

But like, we were dating for nearly a year. And then we didn’t see each other for a while because our schedules got a little hectic, but then also the text messages started fizzling out to and I kept trying to find things for us to do like go to the movies or something and he kept being busy

I Never get to the point in an attempt at a relationship where I give up on it. I am always the last person giving effort. But once it hits that point, where I can tell the energy has shifted and the answers become less frequent where I realize that I can’t be the only person trying and if they are done putting in effort then why am I still trying to make something happen here?

And I’m mad that that’s how this went too.

Grow a pair and dump me, you coward.

So to recap, Lost the job I was looking forward to, the relationship I was in fell apart, my phone was stolen, I lost all of my digital phone content from the last decade (which feels like losing a piece of me, because I am an introvert so the digital world is where I feel home the most), and I got a parking ticket.

Sigh.

Ok. Now that that is vented out.

Gonna take my assemblage of digital devices to the apple genius bar tomorrow and see what they can frankenstein merge together out of these backups that do exist. I still have my work computer and everything I need to do stuff for my current job and I can explain stuff to my boss on Monday and hopefully get him to give me a hand on some stuff to get these December shows up and running.

I have a ton of photos and videos on social media of the last few years, so my memories are still there somewhere. I have my health (for the most part), I still have a job and income and a roof over my head, I have my parents who were both willing to help me pay to replace the phone right away, I have scores of lovely and amazing friends in my life. Most of the digital information I need is backed up in other places so I just need to reaggregate it all into my phone.

I’m just hella bad with change, so if you throw a bunch of shit changing in a small time frame at me at once, I crumble a bit.

#Just a hellish shit show of a week #I can't believe someone stole my phone #just fucking bullshit #I know I'm lucky that I can bounce back from this #Getting knocked down so much like this just hurts

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jiminrings · 3 years ago

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hey bestie!! idk if you’ll get this but just wanted to say heartburn has been on my mind ever since i read it ! not only bc it’s phenomenal but also i’m a psych major and i’ve been literally just trying to analyse how OC is going to process all of these events and heal. my personal take is, given her family history, the relationship with jimin would be the one to ‘defy’ the impression of love OC grew up around; i think she struggles with this idea of being inherently unloveable and the relationship with jimin and his family was reassurance like “no, you ARE worthy of unconditional love”. but because jimin emotionally cheats, OC instead views his actions as a reflection of her self-worth. she believes it was bound to happen bc why wouldn’t it? she was not ‘enough’ for him and that will reinforce the idea of her being unworthy of love. she will instead view her ‘not being enough’ as conditions that she needed to satisfy to be ‘worthy’ of attaining love. this could be a stretch, but based on my take, i think in the process of moving on from the relationship i could see OC shifting to a mindset of “i’m just not the type of person who people fall in love with” and “love just isn’t for me” and “i don’t really believe in marriage in that i think i’m not a person who is meant to be in long-term committed relationships.” this would develop as a self-defence mechanism, where the idea of “love isn’t for me” sets up a safety net for OC where she removes the expectation of her idea of ideal love and would protect her by keeping others at a distance. depending on OC’s processing of what’s happened, she could engage in various self-destructive processes, ranging from throwing herself unhealthily into work to even starting casual flings in an effort to desensitise her/make her comfortable with the notion that love and intimacy are not meant for her. i want to know what your thoughts are (only if you’re comfortable discussing this!!). sorry i went on an entire spiel, i just get really excited trying to analyse characters !! anyways, you did a great job and i am so excited for part two !! -psych major

bestie first off let me start to say that i LOVE u thank u so much for reading n loving heartburn <3 the fact that you’re a psych major and are analyzing it awes me so much!!

i agree!! given her “comfortable” upbringing in which she never really struggled for much but no one was really there for her, having this pressure from her dad and being alone as a lonely child, never really knowing her parents enough bc their relationship was long broken even before she gained consciousness, etc.... she found a home within jimin and his family and she never really wants to let go of it!! not until jimin cheated :((

i agree!! oc started to resort to that mindset ever since yoongi started texting her. even up until jimin breaking up with her, oc blames herself and looks at what could’ve been her shortcomings and not jimin’s — as much as she’s mad n distraught over what he did, she can’t help but blame herself because now that she’s conscious of her actions, now that she’s in a different situation compared to her family by blood, what did she do now to deserve this?? was it her fault? was it doomed from the start?

jimin’s family, especially soomin, plays a big part on her whole morality :(( she loves soomin as a sister, as a separate entity entirely, and it’s not just because she’s jimin’s sister or since she feels obligated to please her fiancé’s (now ex) family. she will definitely throw herself in self-destructive processes but won’t even notice that she’s doing it.

pls don’t apologize!!! i’m sO SO happy to have received your ask n i wanna give a big kiss to ur brain <3 ily thank u for being here

#answered #people i love #heartburn feed

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b0ttl3d-up-st4rs · 3 years ago

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Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

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eponymous-rose · 6 years ago

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E55

This week’s guests are Laura Bailey and Taliesin Jaffe! This week’s theme: leaning hard into the post-con tired. This week’s conspiracy: beards. Why? How? WHEN?!

Announcements: General Admission tickets for Gen Con on August 2nd go on sale tomorrow at 10 AM Eastern Time! Everyone was really blown away by the love at ECCC (over 200 people were at one of the CR cosplay meetups!). Kickstarter update: with 30 days left in the campaign, over $7.6m has been raised thus far. If the next stretch goal is hit, there will be an entire 10-episode series. Brian and Laura also know Ashley’s idea for a one-shot and he’s excited to see it happen.

There will be no episode on Thursday, March 28th and no TM on the following Tuesday due to family commitments and half the cast being out of town.

Without further ado, it’s time to discuss Episode 55: Duplicity!

This episode sets the campaign 2 record for most player d20 rolls at 211. 230 was the record number of d20 rolls in campaign 1, in episode 114. 752 damage was dealt by the Mighty Nein, 280 of which was against each other. Jester and Caduceus both dealt 44 damage, none of which was friendly fire. By the end of the episode, the M9 had 8 spell slots left among them (of 45 total).

Taliesin’s reaction to last episode: “Maaaan. Ow. That hurt.”

For Clay, Taliesin only keeps notes for things he thinks he’d pay attention to. He occasionally peeks at Laura’s notes, mostly for entertainment value. Sam has the most detailed notes at that table right now.

Laura’s strong reaction to Caleb going bad was partly Laura just “giving Liam a lot of shit, because we’re actually siblings,” but this kind of betrayal was also a new experience for Jester.

Are they feeling betrayed by the M9? Taliesin: “Nah, he had siblings, man. He’s fine.” Laura: “Jester does not have siblings. She was pretty distraught about Caleb doing that.”

“This doll definitely comes alive at night.”

There is a very strange puppet show with Laura playing Caleb and Taliesin playing Jester until they decide it maybe makes more sense to swap.

Taliesin’s first thought with the explosive arrow was “Fuck, that’s expensive.” He knew Jester had the spell slot and he knew Clay would be okay. “That was not dumb. It would’ve been worse to be at the mercy of that creature there for a moment. I was toast no matter what. Better to do that there so we could get it in right away.” Laura points out that Sam had the explosive arrow prepped for that action regardless.

Jester is “definitely fighting the fear that she faces during battles now, because she feels mortal,” especially after seeing Caduceus fall. But at the same time, she is “at her core, a protector, both physically and emotionally, of people.”

Laura points out that she doesn’t heal in battle as much because she knows that she won’t be able to overcome the damage enemies are doing; it makes more sense to save lower-level spell slots to bring people back from unconsciousness than to heal people who are nearly down.

Gif of the Week: an extensive (and amazing) dice fail compilation!

Taliesin: “Oh man, that vision from the Wildmother was really good. That was Matt just giving me a big hug for everything that happened.” He’s excited to see some backstory hints there. “This is not what rattles him. Other things rattle him.” He’s of the opinion that grave clerics have probably been pushed to this place in ceremony a few times before.

Jester feels good about the revivify spell, but it’s also made the power of her abilities feel a lot more real. “Healing’s always second for her.”

Clay’s death experience was mainly just significant to him because it involved the Wildmother basically giving him a thumbs-up. “He definitely has a philosophy on the notion of destiny that’s very specific.” Taliesin’s excited to see how Caduceus will act if and when siblings show up. “I think he’s a trash fire. I don’t think this is the Caduceus you get when his siblings are around.”

Laura mentions the blood lust that comes up whenever Matt mentions that a baddie is “looking pretty rough”; it tends to make it tough to concentrate on anything else.

Fan Art of the Week: the revivify spell and Caduceus’ vision.

Jester’s bravery pre-dragon came from naiveté. Now it comes from love, and the people she surrounds herself with. “It’s like she’s trying to find the bravery herself.”

A question points out that Percy’s inventions indirectly led to Nott firing that explosive arrow... and hence he was somewhat responsible for killing his own character. “This is literally what the character was intended to do. This is literally what Percy was invented to do.” He absolutely thought last campaign that he may be killing a future character with his actions as Percy.

“Jester believes in the other gods. She just thinks that the Traveler is way cooler than any of them.” In her mind, the Wildmother has the same sort of relationship with Clay as she does with the Traveler. That’s why she immediately took the “go get his mom, he needs help” approach with her plea to the Traveler.

Is Caduceus holding a grudge against Nott? “I think there’ll be a little bit of a ‘hey, little buddy, be a little more careful there going forward’ talk.” But things happen.

Jester has had a bit of a “Fuck, I should have been there for Molly, too” reaction after the revivify.

In Clay’s mind, fiends are slightly better than the undead. “They’re better, but they don’t belong here. It’s like having an infestation in your home.”

“In retrospect, Nugget really should’ve stayed with Momma a little longer.” Sprinkle’s well-protected. “That’s how I’m saying Sprinkle is not dead.”

Taliesin has really been enjoying his first experience as a cleric. "There’s a lot of satisfaction to looking Matt in the eye and ruining something he’s been working on.”

Search for Grog Questions! CR1 SPOILERS ENSUE!

Taliesin and Laura felt like they didn’t miss a beat going back to Vex/Percy: “Fuckin’ power couple, man.”

Laura had no recollection of the joke about Percy losing his arm in the original episode and was extremely confused. Taliesin honestly didn’t believe Matt was going to do it, but he respects Sam’s commitment to the bit.

The Golden Snitch actually got stolen at some point when Matt’s car got broken into. Taliesin now has an Anti-Snitch that’s been working pretty well.

There’s some ideas thrown around about what to do with Percy’s arm. Some sort of greeter/wacky inflatable tube guy is the general consensus.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long text post

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kinktae · 5 years ago

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no idea if anyone has said this yet but i feel like kiri only told jk she wanted him to spite y/n and that she has no desire to get back together w him 🤭

bitchin 8 asks because i suck

spring2787 said: Pls tell me my son didn't do that to her in bitchin 8.... Ahhh.. Jeon Jungkook.. You dumb brat... 🥺

Anonymous said: You’re such an amazing writer, like damn you have SO MANY PEOPLE invested in your stories that you now have 1247294 people ganging up on jungkook and forming protection squads for y/n 🤣🤣 I’m so excited for what’s to come !!!!

Anonymous said: Ummmm.... I just binge read all of bitchin and let me tell you that it WAS LITERALLY THE BEST THING IVE EVER READ! I LOVE THE SOCIAL DYNAMICS BETWEEN YN AND JUNGKOOK AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE YARAS PERSONALITY

cheeky-kookie said: Hey bb just me dropping in to give my opinion on the Bitchin' Chapter because I havent done it yet & you know how whipped I am. JK did a big uh-oh and fucked up. Hes confused. Kiri came and it's what he wanted forever. My theory is that it probably didnt feel like what he wanted after the fact and that's why he met up with MC. ALSO, the MC is upset (understandably) but she cant blame him bc she has given him no hint that there could be something there. Overall, good chapter :) Still whipped.

Anonymous said: I "kombucha girl"-ed to y/n telling jk she would never fall for him but I've decided it's what she (bitchin!jk) deserves 😤😤

unknowntalesx said: oh my god that anon went off 😂😂 nd the other anon has a good point! he might be very confused and wanted to see if y/n had feelings but alas the dirty dickin was still dirtyyy, oh meathead, i lovE bitchin

yourdelights said: watching everyone freak out over bitchin makes me very glad that i decided to wait and read it all after it's finished. i'll still end up suffering, i'm sure, but i'll get all the suffering done in one shot. like ripping off a bandaid after wetting it first.

Anonymous said: Lmaooo I'm over here sipping on my tea, waiting for Yara to wear her black latex suit and give little Jungkook a visit.. Honey, you've got a big storm comin 🍵🍵

Anonymous said: I feel like Kiri is going to cheat on him again and THEN he'll finally have the big revelation that oc was the right girl for him all along

Anonymous said: the real question is: is kiri going to use what happened and jk “cheating” on y/n with her to hurt y/n 😶👀

Anonymous said: Lmaooo I'm over here sipping on my tea, waiting for Yara to wear her black latex suit and give little Jungkook a visit.. Honey, you've got a big storm comin 🍵🍵

Anonymous said: I feel like Kiri is going to cheat on him again and THEN he'll finally have the big revelation that oc was the right girl for him all along

Anonymous said: the real question is: is kiri going to use what happened and jk “cheating” on y/n with her to hurt y/n 😶👀

Anonymous said: rose i really hope u know that we want to y/n to have an least a moment with taehyung in this goddamn fic called bitchin

Anonymous said: thank god we just ship y/n with tae in this house right

Anonymous said: we are going to beat jk’s ass after all that shit he did with y/n 😤 meanwhile i wanna say a very important thing: taehyung WOULD NEVER do that lmao bye

Anonymous said: Me after reading about what Jungkook did to OC in bitchin08: I hate to say it, I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, I don’t know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street for little bitches who don’t know how to process their feeling and need to get their shit together before a pissed off best friend come to chop their dicks off because he couldn’t keep it in his pants, and I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry to this man

anonbebe97me said: Please, for the love of God, update Bitchin’ soon. I literally felt it so bad when he admitted what he did. My entire heart collapsed. I cannot even. Your writing is so good- I genuinely laughed during so many moments in this series and you might be my favorite writer. Seriously, I love you

Anonymous said: bitchin’ is legit the best thing ive ever read

Anonymous said: Same anon who has a (metaphorical) hole in her chest now...This fic is written so beautifully and I feel like I didn’t express that in the previous ask... it’s too good and damn why I did I have to get emotionally attached to these characters because now I’m genuinely Devo 😪 but still looking forward to what comes next (whenever it comes :))

Anonymous said: Damn chapter 8. Of bitchin’...BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. But I know your a great author so I BEG IT WORKS OUT AND THEY GET BACK TOGETHER BECAUSE I AM TOO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED AND THERE IS A HOLE IN MY CHEST FROM THE ANGST OH MY

Anonymous said: So I was putting off Bitchin 8 for a little bit because I didn’t know if I could handle it. I don’t know why a fictional story has me so effed up, but it does. So tonight I read it and OMG now I’m all angsty and upset! Why do you do that to us? Suchhhhh a good fic and amazing writing, but whyyyyyyy must you make us feel this way. This boy needs to get his shit together and just love her already. My heart can’t take it. 🤦🏻‍♀️❤️

madjammil said: I am waiting with bated breath for part 9 of Bitchin'! Part 8 had me all distraught 😭

Anonymous said: Will Y/n fight Jungkook? 🤧😂

cuteipat said: Should I prepare tissues or not?

toomuchdaegu said: art 9 dropping on my birthday, that is very much adequate

sydney--chan said: Your new mobile theme looks really good babie 🥺🥺 I cant wait to get my heart stomped on again during bitchin' 9!!! You're the only person I'll allow to do that to me HEHE hope ur doing well luv u ❤❤❤

wallbitjch said: Bijj stop teasing us 😤😭 huuhu but thankyousomuch ok 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘💕 bitchin foreva

Anonymous said: fanservice is gonna be yara x tae i KNOW IT

Anonymous said: Fuck Jungkook. Stan Yara.

Anonymous said: YOU MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH BITCHIN' KOOKIE OMG until chap 8. 🤡 You nice keep going.

Anonymous said: so, either taeyara shit happens or y/ntae shit happens... bro lowkey kinda wanna have y/ntae just to piss jk the fuck off man like fuck u jungkook

Anonymous said: I can’t wait for this Bitchin update. You better heal my heart. After last time, I shouldn’t trust you, but I’m placing my heart in your hands once again. Don’t hurt me. Jk you’re the best. I love you.

Anonymous said: When I say I'm not ready for pt. 9 of bitchin' I mean, FUCKKKKKKKKK NO I DON'T WANNA CRY STILL CRYING OVER PT. 8 😫

Anonymous said: It's a shame to do this while i'm drunk but i just want you to know that i love you and i will probably Fall asleep when you Will post pt 9 of bitchin' but i really really love the way your posts and your writing make me smile, giggle and dmkdldldldldlldldldldl scream when theres no Word to descrinw how i feel. I love you, please, have a great night know that you maks my heart boom boom 🥺🥺🥺💜💜💜

cheeky-kookie said: I re read Bitchin' 8 and almost cried because Jungkooks heart was breaking slowly I just- Hes an idiot but he cares for MC

Anonymous said: if kiri doesn’t drop dead in this chapter imma take matters into my own hands 😡 also chop off jungkook’s dick, he doesn’t deserve it

paolaa9700 said: Don’t gonna lie, I hate you for making me wait for the new chapter of Bitching until 4am (in my country). But you think I’m gonna stay awake until that hour just for that? Well you are right cause I’m gonna freaking wait. I’m already so nervous oh my god, oh my god! I can’t put in words how nervous and happy Im 😂

Anonymous said: mskjxjsmksksdkdjndlskxjbfbjc i just read pt.8 of bitchin and eye- fuck why did you do that to me? 😭 (also i think i’m new here, but i just want to say i’ve been reading your work for almost an entire year and it never ceases to amaze me! 💗)

tinievmin said: YOUR NEW THEME IS SO CUTE OMG!!! Also, I’m so excited for bitchin’ pt 9 but I’m terRIFIED THAT ILL STILL BE MAD AT JK ))):

rebekahoofblog said: im READY for pt 9, got my reminder SET. bitchin makes me wanna draw jungkook until i pass out boutta make more fanart i love ur writing the most 💞💞have an amazing day

#ask

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tamiddyinyourcity · 5 years ago

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2:12am.

Gonna make a video for each and every single pervert, groomer, or sexual assailant of mine for the month of April, also known as Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

A scary feat, but not so much due to me being afraid of repercussions, moreso just reflecting on things. (And, making videos that others might not find any interest in, or are low quality and uninteresting.)

I'm not afraid to call these men out. I have nothing to hide. They're the ones who felt the need to sexually assault others, not me.

First up, Scotty.

I almost made a song to make light of Scotty "pretending he couldn't hear me" saying no eight times. Like how in Eurotrip, they sing the song Scotty Doesn't Know?

It was gonna be like that.

Shit, I forgot to include that in the video....

Oh well, I can always add a TL;DW to the video.

Scotty was supposed to be a rebound after that terrible relationship ending with Zack #2.

And I know I said I wanted to have a new memory to overwrite the ones with the ex before him, but I meant POSITIVE, not negative shit to haunt me and make me feel undesirable yet still not in control of my body.

Let's see...

I could say no eight times or more, and he would still keep persisting.

Him thinking that me politely rejecting his aggressive neck kissing and choking, was me playing hard to get, and thought that whipping out his dick TOTALLY UNPROVOKED IMMEDIATELY AFTER AND SHOVING MY FACE TOWARD HIS DICK AS HARD AS HE COULD would work instead of valid consent.

Him playing the "you didnt say anything/i didnt hear anything, i have bad memory and hearing, so it's not my fault" when he sure the fuck saw and heard me give every signal possible to not wanting to have his advances keep continuing.

Me saying my boundaries or limits or what I wanted? Ignored. Me saying "hey that really fucking hurts please stop thrusting as hard as you have it causes me pain?" Would result in him death glaring at me with a blank face, doing eye contact, and aggressively doing it anyway.

Surprise surprise, I feel terrible and emotionally distraught, cry, am in pain, or literally need to stop having sex due to him using my cervix as a battering ram and rendering my thighs, stomach, and pussy in general in agonizing and mildly paralyzing pain? Never stopped him from CONTINUING his gross and aggressive behaviors. He kept going. Or trying to make me feel bad for having to stop, and would insist on groping or licking without me wanting it, and so forth.

Aaaaaaaaa pain.

I plan to edit the recordings and then post them, send them to his family, and block all their numbers.

If he didn't want the legacy of being a rapist to be known, he shouldn't have been one.

It gives me chills to think about the consequences, but..... whatever. I don't talk to anyone in his family anyways. He's still gonna travel the world to foreign countries, with his rich ass family, and be fine either way it goes.

His disgusting ass.

Anyway.... yeah. Peace.

#scotty #exes

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jodywegner · 6 years ago

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A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them. Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

#bad day #rant

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streamacademe · 5 years ago

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Week 113, Day 786.

Update on laptop: 15% chance of survival, so not ideal. But, all of my data has been backed up for a grand total of $89, so that’s a win! In the meantime, I have stolen my boyfriends laptop, which I would say is a relationship perk except the forking thing crashed literally as I was about to post the now old version of this entry. Luckily, I’m in the lab until 22:30 tonight and would love nothing more than to re-write something I spent 2 hours on whilst running an experiment... 😠 As you may have guessed, lab work is still as full on as it was last week, averaging my presence in the lab at around 13 hours a day, which as tedious and tiring as it is has also been awesome as I’ve completed 5 out of the 7 experiments that I wanted to do and am on track to complete the final two this week! I am also learning a lot. Nevertheless, I am very glad that my PhD is not lab work based, I think I would lose my mind; I’m more of a fieldwork kinda gal. 🌿 Aside from lab work, last week I gave a talk at the Environmental Protection Agency in Denver on the importance of drinking water storage tanks and their impact on water quality. The enthusiasm with which my research was received was highly motivating, leading to some great questions and engaging conversations. I couldn’t have been more grateful for the experience. ✨ In my spare time (whatever is left of it) I have been exploring the beautiful state of Colorado. Below is a photo of me by an old school house in Golden, which is an exact replica of a shot taken of me there in the summer. I never would have thought I’d be back here so soon. I guess hard work (and a decent project budget) pays off. Photo: Me by an old, but well kept, school house in Golden, CO. Source: My camera.

Despite how awesome it is here, I am quite homesick. I mainly miss my cat. But, I also think that because I travel quite a lot, be it within or outside the UK, it has really made me appreciate home. I also find that with doing such a mentally and emotionally draining job I need more rest than I normally would, and it is home where you go to rest your bones. 🦴 Before I go, a little on minimalism and sustainability... If you’ve been a reader of mine for longer than like 2 months, then you will know that I’m trying to become more minimalist (an oxymoron right there). Well, I thought that I was totally getting there when my laptop died and I wasn’t too bothered. However, I was wearing a beautiful aquamarine gemstone bracelet in the lab the other day and it must’ve come off with the glove I was wearing as it was no longer on my wrist when I got home... Upon realizing that it was missing, I cried for at least an HOUR. I was especially upset because I knew that the likelihood of me retrieving it from one of the many bins in the lab was futile. Upon calming down, I was trying to establish why I was so distraught over a material item. This bracelet isn’t sentimental to me, nor is it the only gemstone bracelet I own (I have at least 50), and yet it physically hurt to lose it... Admittedly, I’m an avid gemstone collector and this particular bracelet was comprised of quite an unusual shade of aquamarine, but still, it was just a bracelet! I thought that upon waking up I’d be over it, that I was just really tired the night before. However, when I got into the lab that morning and, without much hope, found it in the bin, I was elated! I don’t believe that I would be like that with every piece of jewellery I own, but it definitely made me realize that I have more stuff to work through than I thought, before I am where I want to be with minimalism. �� It has been nice to write a longer post than I have been able to the last couple of weeks. It has been less pleasant to have to write it twice, but hey ho. I hope you all have an outstanding week! Remember to pay attention to the little things that make life beautiful. Photo: One of those things that make life beautiful - Sunset over the Rockies. Source: My phone camera.

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kosmic-songbird · 2 years ago

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Ik I don't really have a lot of followers but I wanted to make this announcement anyways. So, here goes, know that if you see any sad or venty posts I'm just going through it rn.

I'm going to try to tag these posts as #bad brain so you can block that tag if you need to because I know how it is when someone is constantly in doom and gloom mode without reprieve and I don't wanna force that on anyone. Not even unintentionally.

That being said, this blog is kinda my echo chamber so I will be using it here and there for some sad girl hours posting. Normally I wouldn't, but I just... I need somewhere to ramble without feeling like I'm going to overwhelm my loved ones.

So let's sum up why I feel The Worst™ right now, shall we? I recently lost a job I really liked because my Bipolar 2 disorder spiralled after I moved and I now have no money and feel like a constant burden. Searching for another job has been disastrous because my anxiety and aforementioned BP is acting up so bad I can't keep a sleep schedule, take my meds regularly, do basic things, or even regularly do things I love so I've been very selective about applying for jobs because I don't want to lose another one if I can't handle it. One of those things I'm floundering at is worshipping my Goddess (Hekate) my ancestral spirits (Cara and Great Grandpa Spurgeon) and my ancestral/land spirit (The Deer Woman--I'm a registered Lower Muskogee Native American but I look white AF and am more white than native so I normally keep my tribal practices and beliefs close to my chest. It's very personal to me alone so I don't feel it super appropriate to share much of that on here). My orchids are also hurting since I'm struggling and that hurts because I literally have 9 of them and they're all named. My dogs miss their momma being present and more affectionate. I think even my cat knows something is wrong. My physical health is abysmal too rn. My best friend decided that me setting some boundaries was too much for her and after a nasty falling out I'm starting to believe she used some sort of hex on me. I'm going home to my absurdly haunted house tomorrow to visit my family and I'm terrified because I tried banishing whatever the thing that hates me there was and it kept coming back within hours. I literally couldn't be in a room alone without being scared, emotionally distraught, or experiencing paranormal activity at that house by the end of it. Yet, even with that, I'm happy to go home to my somewhat problematic conservative, Christian family because hey, at least I'll be out of the house and talking to someone other than my boyfriend. (He's wonderful but I think we all need friends outside our significant others, no?) They're really, really excited to see me and it just feels like a tiny ray of light to be wanted. God, I even tried to sell my feet pics out of desperation 2 and my account on the site I was using got suspended??? I only uploaded once and didn't use the messaging system at all?? Like geez, I can't catch a break and it sucks. I really, really just want something to go right for me soon. My boyfriend can't keep working as hard as he is to take care of us both without my help and I owe it to myself to get better. I really want to feel better.

Okay, that's enough moping for now. I'm going to try to get on with it. Wish me luck 💙

#bad brain

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the-og-mkt · 7 years ago

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All you've gotta do is call; and I'll be there, yes I will. You've gotta friend.

Veronica glanced back at her mother, who was being spoken to quietly by one of the rehab Drs while being lead out of the lobby and further into the facility itself. How in the hell did we end up here Mom…? We were supposed to be the family that rose above the Neptune standard. Mothers that didn’t drink. Fathers that didn’t regret their decisions. Daughters that weren’t damaged and dead emotionally….is this really our life now..? Forcing herself to smile politely at the receptionist she headed towards the parking lot. She had been trying so hard to keep it together in front of her mom, trying not to seem weak or afraid for her. But underneath that was the hurt, anger and sense of utter betrayal that she felt so deep in her core, it almost outweighed any relief she had in finally finding her mother.

As she headed back towards the highway she could feel the pent up rage she’d been stifling starting to fester out. Why is it that ‘going to rehab’ is made to seem so glamorous, and yet actually it’s more like leading someone to their doom? The ultimate walk of fucking shame. I’m too weak, my family is too tired of dealing with me so they need to pay someone to fix it and make it all go away..!! If there was one thing Veronica understood, it was knowing what it was like when your family felt useless if it came to helping someone deal. When Lily had died, instead of trying to talk to her or figuring out a way to help her cope with her grief, her parents had sent her to a counselor in hopes that a stranger could better help her get through it all. That had been a joke and a half. The only thing she got from that whole ordeal was knowing what part of town to avoid being recognized when on a stake out or during field work in one of her disguises. Veronica looked at the clock; it was 6:45pm already, she hadn’t eaten (not that she had much of an appetite) and it would take about three and a half hours to get home. Looking for a distraction she flipped on the radio. ‘All My Life’ by the Foo Fighters came on and Veronica turned the volume up as loud as it would go. She pounded the button to retract the convertible top with her fist and barreled down the I-5 as fast as her Lebaron would go (which was only about 78), letting her mind blank out and allowing Dave Grohl’s hypnotizing voice carry her back towards the Hellmouth.

=========================

Two hours and forty five minutes later, her brain was fried. Her brain only allowed itself an hour of reprieve before it kicked back into high gear and she started to get worked up again. She had gone from distraught to elated to terrified and then the anger set in. Anger at her mother for not asking her father for help. Anger at Keith for not doing more to find her. Anger at FUCKING JAKE KANE for even putting themselves in this situation in the first place! Anger at Lily for being dead and leaving her to deal with this all on her own. Anger at Duncan for basically throwing her away without remorse, practically to the 09er wolves. And then she got to Logan. Logan…Logan who she loathed above all else. Who had made it his personal goal in life to crush her like a bug every chance he got. Logan, who always made sure he was in her face. Never relenting. Never backing off. Logan. Logan….But now…now…he never really was in her face anymore. Sure, he was always close by, sometimes it was like she literally felt him when he was near. Lately he hadn’t thrown insults her way, or goaded her in front of his friends. No, ever sense that day in the Journalism room when she saw him working on Lily’s memorial video. Something had passed between them that week. At first she wasn’t sure but when the memorial came and Logan’s video had included her homecoming tape – that SHE, VERONICA MARS was actually in a video made by LOGAN ECHOLLS of all people…! It was the look they shared that night, the first genuine smile she’d seen directed her way from him in over a year. And the emotions she’d felt from that one look stirred something inside her that she couldn’t explain if she tried. She had tried to suppress it, but it came creeping back up that Christmas during the poker game – before the night went to hell. And two weeks ago, when he showed up at her door that night so broken and alone – it came roaring back in full force and then some. When It turned out to be Trina in the Regent’s suite two nights ago, she found herself enraged with fury towards the vapid woman and was more than willing to let Logan break down in her arms that night. And maybe, just maybe had the immediate desire to kiss his tears away (not that she would EVER admit that!) And now…..now they were….frenemies? Forgotten friends? Enemies without the evil? She had been driving on autopilot at this point, and when she came to was shocked at where her car had stopped. There she sat, in her dingy Chrysler in the heart of the 09erdom, right in front of the Echolls mansion.

What . The. Actual. Fuck…?! Why am I here of all places? Why am I not in front of Wallace’s house..? Wallace my reliable BFF. My go to man. My only friend after so long….so long after…. The Fab Four. The only people who knew me. The real me. Lily. Duncan. Logan. Logan…. LOGAN! She shot up straight as a rod in her seat. Of course it would be Logan’s she’d ended up at. Just like she would a long time ago. When they used to be friends. It was always Logan she called when her mom came home drunk and got into it with her dad. Logan. Never Lily. Always Logan. Logan knew her, knew all about her Mom. Knew what it felt like to loose a mother to alcohol. Knew what it was like to feel like it was somehow your fault for their drinking. It was always Logan. She pulled up to the gate and entered the code,surprised her’s still worked after all this time. As she parked her car off to the side of the driveway, she pulled out her phone and hovered over his name. She suddenly felt beyond exhausted; it was like an anchor was weighing her down in her core and she was having trouble lifting her arm. Coming to the realization that he may not even pick up she reluctantly pushed send and waited for him to answer. She could tell he had picked up as the phone stopped ringing and she could hear the tv faintly in the background. She inhaled slowly, not wanting to make the first break the silence, and held her breath until she finally heard him speak.

“Hey….Veronica…” he sighed. He sounded so lonely and defeated. As she finally exhaled she was worried she’d made the wrong choice until he said “is everything alright? You’ve been siting down there in my driveway for the past five minutes. You’d probably be more comfortable here in the warm house than freeze in your convertible.”

That was all it took. One simple act of selfless kindness from the boy who’d truly broken her heart when he turned against her. This wasn’t that boy. This was Logan. Her Logan. The boy she missed fiercely and needed in her life so god damn much. She let out a loud wail of a sob and let the wall go. The flood gates opened and all of her emotion from the day came rushing out.

He was at her side in one minute flat. He didn’t even wait for her to acknowledge him. In an instant he had her unbuckled and scooped up into his arms heading towards the front door. She buried her head in his neck and clung to his shirt for dear life while she continued to sob as he carried her upstairs to his room. “My mom… I-I f-found her… d-drunk…Jake K-Kane…rehab…oh Logan!” Was all she was able to get out. All the while Logan was circling his room, turning off lights and the tv. He grabbed a blanket and tried to lay her down on his bed. When she wouldn’t let him go he shifted her onto his lap; he removed her shoes with one arm and then reached for the blanket, covering their legs as he laid down taking Veronica with him. “Is your Dad home?” He whispered into her hair. Still sobbing, she could only shake her head no. She felt him nod and then kiss her forehead, pulling her in tighter for a hug.

What felt like hours later, Veronica found herself curled up against Logan, their legs intertwined and her head on his chest. The tears had subsided and she was left with shuddered breath. Logan was rubbing tiny circles on the small of her back, his face turned into her hair, slowly inhaling what she assumed was her marshmallow smelling shampoo. He had only uttered soft nothings to her as she’d cried, never asking questions and expecting nothing in return. As she lay there feeling herself begin to drift to sleep, she felt him inhale deeply and sigh. “I’m so sorry Ronnie, for everything. You never deserved any of it…” he kissed the top of her head and squeezed her in a half hug. Veronica smiled, knowing that he meant it. What ‘any of it’ entailed exactly she wasn’t sure, but still she knew he meant it. She did the only thing she could do in response to that honesty, and turned her face up planting a soft, slow but chaste kiss on his lips. He immediately returned it by giving her back one exactly the same, before rolling onto his side and pulling her close- this time burying his face in her neck.

Veronica smiled as she snuggled in. As she felt herself teetering on the edge of sleep she had one final thought to the crazy, emotionally draining day.

Logan, my dear friend.

#lv au week #day 3 #logan and veronica #vm fanfic #veronica mars fanfic #enemies to friends to lovers #eventually #maybe tomorrow

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